Chelm Stories Told By Fishl

Chelm Council stories told by Philip “Fishl” Kutner

How Fishl Won the Honorary Nar Award By Philip \"Fishl\" Kutner A long time ago, in the City of Warsaw, in \"No\" chirped up Ruvn Raykhman, the banker, Poland, there was an Arbeter Ring conference—the \"All those names are used in di goldine medine. Let's theme of which, was, How to Increase Membership. It call it the Nar Award after our shtot nar (town fool).“ seems that all the major cities in Poland like Warsaw, There was an instantaneous roar of agreement Lodz, and Bialystok had active Branches, but the and the shnaps was passed around. They danced outlying derfer (villages) had no Branches. clumsily in circles all night long to celebrate the It was decided to place all the money and \"know solution to their problem. However, the next morning how\" on a single test dorf (village). They wanted to set when the Mayor reported to his wife the goings on of an example on a test case which could be written-up the previous night she asked him, \"But, who will and used as a model for organizers to use in Branch receive the Gimpel Award?\" development. The site chosen was Chelm. Quickly the Mayor reconvened The City Council, A messenger was immediately dispatched to the The Chief Rabbi, The Superintendent of Schools, The Mayor of Chelm notifying him of the plan and the Banker, and The Chief Gossiper. When he explained arrival in a month of a distinguished group of the let down he had after his wife's question, the representatives consisting of the National Executive entire council room was set in deep gloom. Director, the Director of Member Benefits, and the \"I told everyone of that all the problems were Director of Culture and Education. solved\" blurted The Town Gossiper in tears, \"No one Upon receiving the message the Mayor will believe me any more. What am I to do?\" immediately became upset. How was he to prepare \"Ah, hah\" blurted out Kluger Veysman, The for this auspicious occasion? He hurriedly called an Superintendent of Schools, \"You didn't appoint me as emergency meeting The City Council, The Chief The Superintendent of Schools for no reason. Let's Rabbi, The Superintendent of Schools, The Banker, give the award to Gimpel the town water carrier. and The Town's Chief Gossiper. After all he carries water from the river to the school After stuttering through reading the message, the at the top of the mountain, and when it's winter the Mayor sat down and began to wring his hands. \"Oh leaking pail leaves a stream of freezing water. It gets what can we do to be sure all goes well?\" so bad that little children can't go to school.\" The Chief Rabbi wisely said, \"Let's all form a \"But why did we put the school on top of the Branch before they come and then everyone will be a mountain\" asked Gerta Geretner, the town Gossiper.” member and there will be no problem\". Chief Rabbi, Frumer Rov, quickly replied with \"Excellent idea\" said the Banker \"We can even this explanation. \"I believe that we need to teach have elections and have a Chairman, Vice Chairman, Family Values, and those are Lofty Ideas. The higher Financial Secretary, and ten Trustees\". up we are, the closer we are to God and the loftier the ideas.\" \"What a wonderful idea\" said the Superintendent \"No, Gimpel shouldn't get the Award,\" stated of Schools, \"We'll need an installation of officers.\" Ruvn Raykhman, the Banker, \"It should go to Beryl \"Oh, we can have it ready when the Workmen's Blostfunzikh, the Town Crier. It’s his idea to build a Circle National Executive Director, the Director of windmill at the top of the mountain to pump water.\" Member Benefits, and the Director of Culture and \"Yo, I mean yes, and when there was no wind, he Education come\" chirped the Town's Chief Gossiper. had all the men blowing out their lungs and it still did \"Oy\" said the Mayor. \"How can we have an no good. No, he doesn't deserve the Nar Award.\" installation without our honoring someone? We must \"You didn't elect me Mayor for no reason. I have the right person for the right reason,\" gleefully said have an honoree.\" \"Farvos nisht, why not give an award to the Meyer the Mayor. \"There is no doubt that the First Annual Nar Award should go to Fishl the Organizer.\" organizer with the best idea?” Asked a Councilman. A shout arose from all in great excitement. It was \"What is his idea to warrant this prized Award?' came the cry from everyone in the Council Chambers. then and there decided that the First Annual Honorary Nar Award would be announced at the Meyer the Mayor arose, and he smugly replied, installation in a month in the presence of the National \"He organized the pregnant women in a Labor Union. Workmen's Circle dignitaries. All the women get pregnant sooner or later and they \"But to whom shall we present the award?\" was all go into labor. Naturally they'd all want to join a the question raised by another Councilman. labor movement. When those Leaders come, we'll \"Your right\" replied the Mayor, \"and I thought we have everyone belonging to The Arbeter Ring, and had the problem all solved. Wait, I have it. Let's have we'll have the nominee for the First Nar Award.\" Everyone danced and drank all night. Even the a contest\". Kluger Veysman, the Supt. of Schools said, \"Let's Mayor's wife, Vaybele, was pleased the next morning. call the Award the Oscar, Emmy, or Tony\".

My Friend from Chelm fun Philip “Fishl” Kutner To be honest my friend really wasn’t from Chelm. It seems that there was a depression and some of He just said it. He really believed it. His reasoning the rich folks became poor folks and had to move was that his grandmother was from Chelm, and to the poor end of town. This threw the whole town that meant the seed for his mother must have been off balance and women began to wail in the street in Chelm, therefore he had to be from Chelm. and children ran around in circles. Even the dogs began to howl and the cats stopped chasing the His wife’s real name was Chelma, but the other mice. It was a real dilemma. children in school couldn’t say the Ch, so the teacher said, “let’s call her Thelma.” So from then A town meeting was called and the mayor raised on his wife was known as Thelma. Maybe you the question. The Weiss Rabbi stood up and know someone who had the same experience. proclaimed that there is a simple solution. They would sell lottery tickets to the poor folks and Anyway, every time my cell phone rings and I see whoever were the winners would exchange houses his number on my cell phone screen I know my with the rich folks. The proceeds from the lottery friend wants to come over—he has a problem. He tickets would go to support the police department, tells me that I am the best psychiatrist in the whole fire department, recreation center and senior center. world, and that I ought to charge money. It seemed all was set, for the Chelm Rabbi was To tell the truth all I do is listen and say “yo” when truly Weiss. However, Chelen the rebetsn then he looks up at me. If he keeps looking at me, I say reminded the rabbi that Chelm does not have any “yo, yo” and he continues. After a while he has police (all Chelmites are well-behaved). There are talked so long that he reaches a conclusion and no firemen (all the homes are made of mud and thanks me for my sage advice. stone). There are no recreation centers or senior centers, for there is no free time (all the people are I do not want to leave you with the impression that busy sweeping the muddy streets). “Besides” said every time he comes it’s a problem. Sometimes he the rebetsn, “The poor people do not have money comes over when he is lonely for the old country. for lottery tickets.” My friend likes to sit on my back porch just as the sun is going down and watch the mosquitoes land “At that moment I awoke from my dream” said my on the screen. My wife had me screen in the porch friend. “I was in a cold sweat, and could not fall so we could sit outside without getting bitten. asleep again. I tossed and I turned and it did no good. I went down for a glass of hot milk and I still My friend said that no place in the world had could not fall asleep. If I do not solve this problem, mosquitoes like Chelm. When he was a little boy I know I will not be able to fall asleep tonight. Oh his father took him on a visit to Chelm to see his what shall I do? great grandmother Chaya Lema. That was when he first saw the giant Chelmosquitoes. He said that no I listen to this calamity and nodded often with one around town has bigger mosquitoes than we interspersed, “yo, yo.” I was sure that my friend do. So he comes to look at ours. would soon solve this Chelmblem, as he had solved so many Chelm problems in the past. However, Let me tell you about this time my friend called after an hour of deep brainstorming, it became and said, “It isn’t fair. Can I come and talk about obvious that this was no minor problem and that it?” Before I could reply, he said, “I’ll be over.” there would be need for some lateral and creative thinking. It soon reached the point where I felt it It seems that my friend had a dream, and in the was necessary to interject my white-haired wisdom dream he stood right in the middle of Main Street into the problem-solving procedure. in Chelm. The rich people lived on the North end of town and the poor folks on the South end. Since “Why not have a simple drawing and not have any Main Street was the only street in town, the poor money involved?” was my suggestion. “Oh, no” folks and rich folks’ houses faced each other. said my friend. “Everyone will think Chelmites are poor. It would be terrible.” Suddenly, his eyes lit We all know that there are many more poor folks up and he said, “I solved the problem. We shall that rich folks so how did it work out that Main give all the people a yud, alef, vov note (I O U). Street was the same size on the poor side as the rich They can then proceed with the lottery”. My friend side? Well, that is the story to be told. had solved the problem, and went home happy.

Our Yiddish Club Prepares to Visit Chelm by Philip “Fishl” Kutner Not long ago the subject of our heritage came up at “Are there any sites to see in Chelm,” asked Rokhl Our Yiddish Club Meeting. Some of us brought in a the Raykhe? She then proceeded to answer her own letter that we had in Yiddish from an older relative. question. “There are famous underground chalk One thing led to another, and we decided that we tunnels winding around 40 feet under ground.” would like to trace our roots. Mendel the Computer Maven volunteered to look As we delved deeper and into our backgrounds it online and see what he could learn about Chelm. seemed to lead us to a common town—Chelm. “Hey, “Maybe I could take my laptop along, and we could let us visit the home of our ancestors and learn more e-mail back home,” added Mendel. about our family ties.” It was the words of Nar. So we shall tell you the story of our visit to Chelm Nar the Narrator whispered, “Maybe Chelm doesn’t through Nar’s eyes—he will be our narrator. have electricity, and then he let out a little chuckle. “Where is Chelm,” said Heshy the retired Chocolate With all these questions came the realization that Maker? No one knew exactly, so they decided that there was much to do and learn before the club could for the next meeting they would find out. visit Chelm. There was general agreement that each (Narrator) Chelm is 40 miles S.E. of Lublin in Poland, member would go home and ask his or her spouse if and near the Bug River and across to Ukraine. he or she wanted to go along—that is, all except Belarus is a short distance northeast. Pincus and Perele. You see—they are man and wife. “If we are going to visit Chelm, what else do we need And so the Yiddish Club meeting closed. We had to know, and what preparation do we need to make” our usual coffee or tea and Bobe the Baker’s home- asked Pincus the Pickle Maker? baked bobke. What is the land like around Chelm mumbled Perele We may never know exactly what happened when the Pearl Peddler? each member of the Yiddish Club went home and (Narrator) North and East of Chelm are marshes and peat told his wife or she told her husband. But we do bogs. Chelm is also the name of a province. One of three know that each member did get the approval, for on the Eastern border the entries in the journal show that all members of the club did go on the trip. What does the name Chelm mean blurted Benny the Beer Brewer? But that is getting ahead of the story. There was (Narrator) Chelm means mountain in Old Polish, for much research and preparation to be done by the there is a mountain in the center of town. (150 ft) next meeting. It was only a month away. There was the matter of the passport. Not everyone had an “What do we need to take along” asked Fayvl the updated one. Fire Fighter? Of course there were many other matters to handle. “I remember that my grandfather belonged to the What clothes would they need to take along with Chelmer Branch of the Workmen’s Circle in New them? This was especially important to the women, York,” interjected Tova the Teacher, “They even had for they did not want to embarrass or to be a landsmanshaft” embarrassed by the Chelmer women. “Where shall we stay in Chelm” came from someone (Narrator) What do you call a person from Chelm? in the back of the room? We need to have a place to Is he a Chelmer, Chelmite, Chelmist, Chelmian or eat and to sleep. It was Leybl the Librarian. Chelman? This brings up still another problem. If he is a Chelman then that is sexist. A policeman is “Naturally there are probably no hotels in Chelm. now a law enforcement officer, a fireman a fire Besides it would be too expensive,” responded Gitl fighter—a Chelman would be a Chelm Person. the Gardener. ”We’ll stay in a Bread and Breakfast,” Actually, in Chelm they call themselves Chelmers. she interjected. So, we leave our Yiddish Club members to research “There is a Polish National Tourist Office in and prepare. We shall visit them next month as Hoboken, NJ (201-420-9910). Maybe we can get they make their final arrangements, say their information from them” said Danny the Doctor. goodbyes, and set off on their journey to Chelm.

The Last Days Before Embarking to Chelm and the Garden of Eden At the previous meeting of Our Yiddish Club, “Yes, but don’t make the same mistake you did last located in Yenemsville, we decided that we would Peysakh and forget to erase the old copy and we visit Chelm, Poland and learn more about our past saw your visit to Disneyland”, said Heshy the history, for all of us traced our family roots to retired Chocolate Maker. Chelm. We had things to do and things to learn about Chelm before our final monthly meeting. “Chelm needs an old-fashioned Jewish Deli,” piped up Pincus the Pickle Maker. “I’ll show them how to No longer were we meeting in each other’s home, make great pickles that snap when you break them.” for our Our Yiddish Club was now too large and we had already joined IAYC and attended the last Perele the Pearl Peddler said, “I’ll show them how conference in Baltimore. Our meeting place is now to buy the best pearls from Japan. That’s the best the JCC in Yenemsville. place to buy them.” As each day passed, our phone calls among the “Yes, but I can really make a difference. Everyone group increased and one could feel the excitement knows that they love beer, and I can show them in each household as the meeting day approached. how to use those hops like those that grow west of Even the spouses were caught up in the activities of the Front Range of the Rocky Mountains in preparing for our trip to our ancestral homeland. Colorado” countered Benny the Beer Brewer. No longer would we say “Next year in Chelm.” “With all those wooden houses they have a lot of Since we were going back to learn more about the fires. I’ll show them how to use Knox boxes for the birthplace of our parents (in some cases it was our offices and businesses so they won’t have to break grandparents or even great-grandparents), the down front doors,” added Fayvl the Fire Fighter. question arose where did our family live before they came to Chelm. This seemed to be the over- “English is important internationally and I can help riding question as The Yiddish Club date the English teachers,” said Tova the Teacher. approached. Leybl the Librarian then reiterated Tova’s words. It was our last meeting together before our trip. When the day arrived, and the telephone squad Gitl the Gardener said nothing, for her mind was had made its calls according to the telephone tree, on her girls, Gella, Gerda, Gussey, and Greta. the exchange of information showed that everyone was ready for the journey. Passports were in order, “The hospital at 22-100 Chelm, ul. Hrubieszowska, clothes were packed, extra medicine tablets had near a route to border crossing to Ukraine in Zosin been ordered, copies of their personal medical is in bad condition,” muttered Danny the Doctor. records had been secured, a second pair of glasses was packed and cell phones and laptop computers Rokhl the Raykhe offered to finance the hospital were in order. Gifts of Yiddish books were repairs as Our Yiddish club’s contribution to Chelm. packed—including an extra copy of Der Bay. “We’ll need to computerize the hospital. I‘ll teach Discussion hinged on what we would do once we them the latest technology,” was Mendel the arrived. Should we stick together in a group, or Computer Maven’s input. should we each go his or her way and make our own contacts? It was decided that not only would Everyone except Gitl had said how they expected we go to learn about our ancestors, but each of us to aid Chelm in their effort to come into the 21st would try to be good ambassadors and help to century, or if not, at least into the 20th century. Lest bring the latest information about our own skills you think Gitl the Gardener was shallow, you are and knowledge of our trade or profession. This here and now being assured that her time to shine way it would be a wonderful way to return the will come in a future chapter. It will be a surprise to favors the Chelmers undoubtedly would extend us. her, her daughters and the rest of Our Yiddish Club. Nar the Narrator said, “I shall take my video camera and film our trip. We could give them a So we leave Our Yiddish Club to do their final copy and sell copies when we get back. Maybe the packing before embarking on their visit to Chelm, IAYC will buy a hundred and send them to all the Poland. Next month we shall go along with them member clubs.” on their journey to their ancestral home.

Our Yiddish Club’s Journey to Chelm and the Garden of Eden Our Yiddish Club members from Yenemsville Benny the Brewer was very eager to visit the Zywiec decided to visit Chelm and learn about their common Brewery. It is the Guinness of Polish stout. heritage. They have researched their genealogy and made plans. This chapter deals with the flight to Pincus the Pickle Maker had dreams of opening an Warsaw and the train trip to Chelm. old-fashioned Jewish deli just like the one he had lived above when he was a kid on Pitkin Avenue. Departure day has arrived. All of our plans have After all, when Jews come to visit Chelm, they’ll need been made—or so we thought. Our families came a place to eat. to the airport to see us off, and the excitement began to grow as we realized that we finally shall Sitting next to Pincus was Heshy the Chocolate be going home. After boarding the plane and Maker. He came from Ocean Avenue and getting comfortably seated we became quiet and remembered the old candy store and the delicious began to think what it will it be like. Will the frapes. His mouth watered as he thought about how Chelmers accept Our Yiddish Club? the Chelmers would love his delicious drinks. Nar the Narrator wrote in his logbook. “We took a Bobe the Baker learned that there are no Starbucks Boeing 767, Flight 27 of Lot, the Polish National in Chelm. The closest things are little bakeries that Airlines, and left JFK International Airport at 10:30 also sell coffee. Opening a Starbucks along with the P.M from Terminal 4. Arrival in the Warsaw baked goods would be an instant success. Airport (WAW) was at 1:15 P.M. the next day at Terminal 1. The 6,854 kms. (4259 Miles) flight took Gitl the Gardener was the most nervous of all. She 8 hrs 45 mins.” But we are getting ahead of had read that G-d had made Chelm into the best ourselves. This article is about the flight over and place on Earth to live. The Chelmers were the the next one is about the Joyous?? Arrival! smartest people, and the smartest people had the choice of living anywhere on Earth. After all didn’t Tova the Teacher and Leybl the Librarian had they chose Chelm, somewhere in Chelm had to be researched the subject and wrote many notes about the best place—The Biblical Garden of Eden. what the club should know. Here are just a few: • Time is on a 24 hour clock starting with midnight Perele the Pearl Peddler and Rokhl the Raykhe took and 1:00 is 1:00 A.M., and 13:00 is 1:00 P.M. turns going to the—you should excuse me, the you • Dates are reversed so that 13/5/04 is May 13, know where. For them there was no fond thoughts 2004 while we would write, 5/13/04 and no sleep. • Money: $1US is 4 Polish zloty (ch) • Metric system is used based on multiple of 10s. Fayvl the Fire Fighter had been the last to board the Distance in Meters: 1 meter is 1.1 yards or 3 ft. 3 in. plane. His thoughts were of the Chelmer yidn who Weight in Grams: 1 kilogram (1000g) is 2.2 pounds. labored in the camps and perished in the chambers. Volume in Liters: I liter is a little over 1 quart. Prior to WWII there were about 15,000 Jews in Temperature: Fahrenheit F° is 1.8 x C°, plus 32° Chelm. December 1942 the remaining half was sent to and exterminated at Sobibor. If C is 20°, F° = 1.8 x 20 = 36, +32, F=68° Temperature: Centigrade C°= (F°-32) divided by1.8 After a tiring trip, the plane landed in Warsaw, and we took taxis to the Warsaw Central Station. The If F is 68°, C°= 68 – 32 = 36, divided by1.8, C = 20° train departed Warszawa Centralna at 11:07 and arrived in Lublin at 13:33. There was a 23-minute As the plane flew above the clouds, each one slowly wait and the train arrived in Chelm at 15:10. The time drifted off to dreamland. Mendel the Computer on the train was 4 hours and 3 minutes. The ride was Maven wondered how cyberspace affected Chelm. uneventful, for we were tired and slept for a while. How would the old stories be different if they were written with computers for the Computer Age? Since there are no Der Bay issues in the summer, your Since Spam is not kosher, how would the Chelmers editor has time to research and get feedback from our prevent their PCs from becoming treyf? 13 club members. They all have made plans on visiting the sites and doing their share to help Danny the Doctor asked himself what Chelmers improve the lot of the present-day Chelmers. Be were like on other planets. After all, G-d made other especially alert to anticipate the visit and excitement Earths before He left this one. Maybe he did not in Chelm’s Garden of Eden. Have a good summer— destroy the others. When the stork dropped the see you September as we continue this series. babies over Chelm, maybe they also dropped others on other planets.

Our Yiddish Club’s Arrival in Chelm and the Garden of Eden By Philip “Fishl” Kutner Members of our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville Chef Czeslaw’s Chelm Cuisine. journeyed to Chelm to learn about their ancestral hometown. In the last issue the tired but eager Entrées group had pulled into the Chelm train station. Actually there are 2 stations in Chelm—the Chelm Capon Cutlet Casserole Miasto Station and the Central Train Station. Carp in Chrain First to greet us were the taxis to take us to the Chilled Couscous Kamena Hotel—the most exclusive hotel in Chelm. Cholent Chowder The cabbie told us that Chelm was the site of the original Garden of Eden. He assured us that: Corn Chicory Chicken • only perfect people on the earth live in Chelm. Cubed Calf Calves • there are at least two mosquitoes, two rats, two mice, two toads and two snakes. Those were the Vegetables reasons he gave us to prove the argument that Candied Carrots Chelm is truly the original site of gan eydn. Carmelized Cabbage Driving to the hotel we noticed men, women and Chopped Chickpeas children lining the streets and waving flags, it made us feel like conquering heroes. Chunky Crudités Cream Cheesed Celery Our convoy stopped at the Chelm Convention Center for the ceremonies. We were met by the Chelm City Creamed Cauliflower Council, the Chelm Chamber of Commerce and the Cucumber and Chives Chelm Chinese Checker Champs. Meanwhile the Chelm Children’s Cadet Corp played music. Dessert Cashew Cookies Mayor Krzysztof Grabcguk (Prezydent Miasta Chelma) was the main greeter. He was elected in Challah 2002 and told us a little about Polish Politics. He Cheddar Cheese Crepes told us there are 8 major parties, and almost a 100 Chocolate Cheese Cake parties altogether. They are divided into Populist, Left, Center and Right. Chremslach Compote Just before we left the honorable mayor told us that the world thinks that Chelm is populated by fools; Cranberry Cinnamon Custard however, he assured us to the contrary that it was all a hoax contrived to get the city on the international Beverages map. Everyone knows that Warszawa, Lodz, Krakow, Cherry Cordial Coconut Cream Wroclaw, Poznan, Gdansk, Szczecin, Bydgoszcz, Lublin, Katowice, Bialystok and Czestochowa are the Colombian Coffee dozen largest cities in Poland. Even Slupsk 40th in size has over 100,000 people, and that is almost twice After dinner we viewed a slide show. The speaker told the size of Chelm. What could they do to bring us that Chelm is on the Lublin Upland by the Uherka notoriety and not cost them anything? You and the entire world know the answer. River, and is the left tributary of the Bug River. It is on the towering mountainside of a cretaceous hillock. After all the greetings, ceremonies and speeches, we were glad to get to the hotel, relax and go to Chelm has two public colleges—one is a branch of dine. The matre de, Czeslaw, handed us the menu. the Medical Academy from Lublin, with a nursing He said that the chief chef, Cyprian, cooked the best cuisine in Chelm. We were handed the menu. department. Then there is the Teachers Training Since no one spoke Polish, we asked Czeslaw to College and two private colleges. A branch of suggest Cyprian’s specialties. Czeslaw said it Catholic University in Lublin (KUL) is planned. would be better if he just translated the menu. The political system changed in 1990. At first the privatizing of commerce and service advanced most rapidly. But now there has been an increase in service companies and manufacturing. Today the mineral industry leads the economy. Its growth started with the founding of the Chelm Cement Works in 1960. Tomorrow morning we finally shall visit the Chelm Garden of Eden. Be prepared to read about it in the next issue of Der Bay as our Yenemsville Yiddish Club travelers continue their visit to Chelm.

Our Yiddish Club in Chelm and the Garden of Eden by Philip Fishl Kutner Our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville journeyed to Gitl the Gardener was disappointed in the Garden Chelm to learn more about their ancestral heritage. of Eden. Her dream, of seeing the dreamed flora In the last issue the tired but eager group spent their and fauna of the biotic origin of all life, proved less first night on a high note. They looked forward to a than inspiring. Nonetheless, she was upbeat with good night sleep. Everyone called home and assured the belief that most of the others would find their their loved ones that they had arrived safely, and experiences rewarding. After all, hadn’t Benny the were treated like royalty. All looked forward to the Beer Brewer, Bobe the Baker, Pincus the Pickle next morning when they would take their first Maker and Heshy the Chocolate Maker all had a sightseeing tour—to the Garden of Eden. magnificent banquet at the hotel? “Yes, we all had a great meal,” added Nar the Narrator. Early the next morning, before departing, Chelm’s Chief Fool (CCF) briefed us. He was one of the On the way back the bus driver sensed that Gitl the wisest men we ever met. He started his presentation Gardener was displeased with the Garden of Eden. by quoting our own Mark Twain who said, “The He said we could stop at the Chelm Landscape Park, first day of April is the day we remember what we located in Chelm, Sawin, Dorohusk, and Ruda Huta. are the other 364 days of the year.\" He happened to be an amateur ornithologist and told us that more than 1050 species of plants, 150 “One should not visit the Garden of Eden without a species of birds and more than 800 species of prior knowledge of its history. The docents there butterflies live there. This made us all feel better. are young college kids and do not have the knowledge and experience of an old fool.” Before going back to the Hotel we stopped at the Chelm Tourist Information Center located at: “You all have read about the creation of the Garden 22-100 Chelm, ul. Lubelska 63. They can be reached of Eden in your chumash, but what happened to it at: tel. (+48 82) 565 36 67, tel/fax (+48 82) 565 41 85, after Adam, Eve, the snake and all the rest were and their e-mail address is: [email protected] kicked out? No, it did not cease to exist. Geologists check their website at: www.um.chelm.pl/it.htm know about Continental Drift. It seems that the The clerk told us that our Kamena Hotel, located at: earth’s crust is in constant flux. There are areas 22-100 Chelm ul. Armii Krajowej 50, had good where plates are being submerged in subduction tourist information. Its telephone is +48 82)565 64 01 zones and others that are emerging in mountain building. Thus the ancient area where our ancestors We were told that the Pre WW II Chelm population were first created has moved to Poland and just was 30,000, and over half of them were Jewish. north of where we are. Someday it will be right There was a story told about an elderly couple, Berl here where you are now standing.” der Blinder un Blume di blinderke who saw the world through rose-colored sunglasses. With that magnificent and erudite introduction we loaded the bus and headed for Poleski National The question came up about Chelm being the City Park. It is in the western section of the Leczynsko- of Fools. The Director of Information laughed and Wlodawska Plain and is located between the reminded us about Meiringen in Switzerland; Hums Wieprz and Bug Rivers. The size of the park is in Iran; Lagos in Mexico; Montieri in Italy; Kampen almost 10,000 hectares. The park is about 24,000 in the Netherlands; Bemböle in Finland; Tälje in acres in size A hectare is = to a square, 100 meters Sweden; and Mols in Denmark; Durachesok the on a side. Our guide told us that the park has imaginary Russian town of fools and of Schildburg floodplains, lakes swamps and peat bogs. While it the German market town that was the laughing is beautiful, we did not find it a gan eydn. stock of Europe. The Director said he’d be available if we needed any assistance. We then went back to This was our first disappointment, but we all the hotel, tired after our first full day in Chelm. decided that the real reason for our visitation to Chelm was to find out about our ancestors and At dinner it was decided that Leybl the Librarian help the Chelmites. We were all sure that there Tova the Teacher, and Mendel the Computer would be many stories to take home about our visit Maven would visit schools and libraries. They’d to Chelm. On the bus ride back to Chelm we learn how the Chelmites are educated, and suggest worked out our game plans. Our 13 Yenemsville how to better use cyberspace. So, do come back next Club members had started their task of seeing and month and follow the adventures of Our Yiddish trying to experience their ancestors’ occupations. Club from Yenemsville in their visit to Chelm.

Our Yiddish Club in Chelm and the Visit to a School and a Library by Philip Fishl Kutner Members of our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville School & Local Community Sporting Activities: journeyed to Chelm to learn more about their “We organise competitions in; basketball, soccer, heritage. In the last issue the group spent its second volleyball, swimming, etc. Here are examples of the night on a high note—all but Gitl The Gardener last year’s events & competitions our school hosted: who was disappointer in the Garden of Eden. At breakfast Nar the Narrator told us that there • A football tournament organized in cooperation would be a briefing on info found by Mendel the with the Town Centre of Sport and Recreation and Computer Maven while googling on his computer. the Society of Propagation of Physical Culture. Mendel said ATT has unlimited international phone • A sport and recreation competitions named calls to a country. One can call 24 hours a day/7 days Sports Winter Holidays is open to all. a week for $49.95 a month—call 800-315-2655. • A football tournament organized with our Police Included are Israel and Poland. (No kidding). Department, Fire Department & Border Guards.” Nar said that Victor Ashe, Mayor of Knoxville, TN, Our Library Visit was sworn in June 23, 2004, by President Bush to be Ambassador to Poland. Mayor, Ashe was elected Leybl the Librarian said that biblioteka is the Polish president of the U.S. Conference of Mayors in 1995, word for library—like the French bibliotheque. There and he established a sister city relationship with are 26 university and research libraries in Poland, but Chelm in Poland Mayor Ashe led two delegations none listed for Chelm. Biblioteka Narodowa in to Chelm, one in 1997 and the other in 2000. Warsaw is the Polish National Library. YIVO honored Dr. Michal Jagiello Narodowa’s, Director for his Today Leybl the Librarian Tova the Teacher, and “support of Jewish cultural initiatives.” Mendel the Computer Maven would go together and visit a school and a library. Mendel said that there are 4 libraries in Chelm. • Biblioteka Muzeum w Chelmie, Our School Visit Chelm Museum Library The entire town new about our mission and we were welcomed. The Principal (dyrektor) assigned a • Biblioteka Pedagogiczna w Chelmie, star pupil to take us around. We went to an English Teachers' Library in Chelm class and Tova questioned the students. She was pleasantly surprised that the students knew what an • Biblioteka Urz´du Statystycznego w Chelmie, appositive is and not to use syntactical redundance. • Chelmska Biblioteka Publiczna Tova complimented the teacher (profesor) The Main Public Library in Chelm Our student guide told us. “Stefan Czarniecki, who is the patron of our school, was a great commander. To We visited the Chelm Museum Library. It has 9000 commemorate his life we celebrate Patron’s Day. It is volumes (mainly art history, archeology, nature a festival for all those connected with our school. and hand collection). There have 104 (XVI – XVII) Every year on this day we come in smart clothes to century prints—the remainder of an old collection: remember Czarniecki’s life and his merits. It is an bazylian, pijarski & monastery of Reformat fathers. occasion to present our scientific, artistic and sports achievements and to award winners in the cultural Mendel the Computer Maven’s URL Research competitions; English, French, Russian and German.” Home Pages of Polish Libraries “The final part of Patron’s Day, based on tradition, http://www.wsp.krakow.pl/Pl-win/biblio/adresy. html is an artistic performance by the School Theatre. It is http://www.biblos.pk.edu.pl/doc/b_links.html also an occasion to present the most interesting http://www.uidaho.edu/~majanko/ankieta/libraries.htmml participants of English, French Russian and German song competitions. There are performances by On the way back to the Hotel Kamina we shared Chelm’s modern dance band called Takt, whose thoughts. Then Leybl, Tova and Mendel phoned members are our students. To have better home and told of their visit to a school and library. integration between students and teachers we play sports matches. It is fun for both sides.” Danny the Doctor and Fayvl the Firefigter decided to spend the next day together, for Danny is at a burn center, and Fayvl is interested in burn therapy. Tune in next month as we follow Our Yiddish Club members on their visit to Chelm, Poland.

http://departments.firehouse.com/dept/Shenando ah2PA Polish Genealogical Society of America There is a Poland Village and Poland Township, 984 N. Milwaukee Ave. Chicago, IL 60622 OH The first one is a library that belongs to the Chelm Town of Poland in Maine museum. 9000 volumes (mainly art history, archeology, nature and hand collection). There're Poland Fire Department (Herkimer County), NY also 104 old prints (XVI - XVII century), that are a remainder of old collection: bazylian, pijarski and Poland, Indiana monastery of Reformat fathers. The most interesting of them is a work by unicki bishop Poland participated in the 2002 International Jakub Susza \"Phoenix tertiato redivivus and Ancient picture of Chelm\". Firefighters Olympics at Christchurch, New Zealand. There were 55 events and each had the second link is to the Teachers' Library in Chelm. categories. Poland, in its first appearance at the The fourth link is the Main Public Library in games, received 29 medals and 15 Gold. Poland Chelm. That could be very interesting. came in 12th, and the USA 8th. There were 30 countries participating and over 1500 athletes. Also a link to google's list of polish online translators: SAPEX conducts project surveys based on existing http://directory.google.com/Top/Reference/Dicti buildings and undertakes to achieve optimum onaries/World_Languages/P/Polish/ performance of equipment and services based on Poland emergency numbers are: Medical: 999, Fire the given constraints. department: 998, Police: 997 SAPEX has created teams of local experts who To show solidarity after 9/11 firefighters in Poland intervene in all installations and guarantee sounded their sirens on Sept. 12 and Hungarian firefighters tied black ribbons to their vehicles. maintenance of hospital equipment. Firehouse.com Web Date Hopital Country Polish American Fire Co. No. 4 1984 Katowice Burn Center Poland Address: Poland 115 W. Center Street, Shenadoah, PA 17976 Email: [email protected] [email protected] Medical University of Silesia - The Medical About Polish American Fire Co. No. 4: University of Silesia consists of three faculties: Polish American Fire Co. #4 proudly protects an Faculty of Medicine and Division of Nursing in area of 1.5 square miles. We operate out of Five stations that protect a primarily residential area. Katowice (the one that carries lectures in English), Our department is a public department whose Faculty of Medicine and Division of Dentistry in members are on a volunteer status. Zabrze and Faculty of Pharmacy and Division of Department Type: All Volunteer Medical Analytics in Sosnowiec. * Services Provided: * Firefighting Karol Marcinkowski\" University of Medical * Search & Rescue Sciences in Poznan - The University offers a 3 year study program in nursing. Graduates receive the Number of Stations: 5 degree of B.N. After a further 2 years graduates receive the degree of M.Sc. (Nursing)

Why A Hen’s Comb Falls Over An Original Chelm Story by Fishl While everyone knows that Chelm was a shtetl, that would be written, and left for all of posterity not everyone knows that all of the yidishe to read and ponder. Before we go any further mames had chickens in the coops attached to the let’s hear what argument the rebetsn used, and back of their houses. Richer ones even had a why the Chelmer men would not accept it. goat. Fresh eggs and goat’s milk are the best medicines for a sick person. When God made chickens, both sexes had erect combs. However, when an enemy threatened Anyway, one day clever, little Yankele was the chickens’ nests the hens told the roosters, sitting in kheyder, daydreaming as usual, when “Go and protect us—charge those enemies and the melamed came over and gave Yankele a spear them with the points of your combs.” But sharp rap on the back of his neck. Yankele this was not what actually had occurred. quickly awakened and looking right in the melamed’s eyes asked him a question. It proved Everyone knows that the rooster is a proud to be the start of the greatest turmoil and side- and a cocky bird. All that he likes to do is strut taking that Chelm had ever seen since antiquity. around all day long singing cock-a-doodle-do. He does not want to get his feathers ruffled or We already know it was Yankele’s question that his proud comb bent. precipitated the dilemma, that it occurred in the kheyher, that it occurred one day when the So it became the duty of the hens to protect melamed rapped Yankele on the back of his their nests and to go out to do battle. Everyone neck. Nu, but what did Yankele ask, and why knows that you don’t tangle with a mother hen did it create such a division in the shtetl? when she is guarding the lives of her baby chicks. There was no problem for the melamed or the town folk when Yankele asked why ducks don’t You can guess what happened. After many have combs and wattles like chickens, but this hundreds of years and countless encounters was another matter. When it came to why combs the hens’ combs began to flop to a side. Even of hens fall to the side and why Rooster’s combs the Mendelian selection and Darwin’s Survival are erect, that is an entirely different matter. of the Fittest didn’t work here. On the one hand there was the viewpoint led by Now you know why this disagreement almost the rabbi. His learned position was that the tore Chelm apart—until Yankele, now a very rooster is a proud bird. He has a beautiful old man had daydreamed a solution. curved tail with many feathers. He struts around crowing, and so it would be natural that his He said, “All of the other birds like the ducks, proud bright red comb be erect for all to see. geese, turkeys and pigeons do not have erect That sounds logical, and all the men of Chelm combs. This means that both the males and raved about their wise rabbi. females must have equally worn them down in their battles with intruders. Since the rooster is But that is only the beginning of the story. Word the only one who has a stiff comb, he must be spread that the rebetsn had another explanation. the only coward. At first it was only gossip, but then the rumor went all around until the chief rabbi in Warsaw This wise statement, by the elderly Yankele, heard about it and decided to visit Chelm. has never been challenged by any rabbinical scholar. In fact there is a separate trachtate that It seems that in the thousands of years rabbis has been added, for this matter does not fit into have debated the torah, the mishne, gemore and any of the existing categories. To this very day all of the commentaries this question had never all talmudic students study this case as an been raised. Imagine it was the opportunity for a example of the complexities in God’s creations once in a lifetime opportunity to have a decision and how Yankele solved this enigma.

Our Yiddish Club in Chelm Visit a Hospital & Firehouse by Philip Fishl Kutner Members of Our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville His plan was to work with the Karol Marcinkowski journeyed to Chelm to learn more about their University of Medical Sciences in Poznan. The heritage. In the last issue the group’s third day saw University offers a 3-year study program in Leybl the Librarian Tova the Teacher, and Mendel nursing. Graduates receive the degree of B.N. After the Computer Maven visit a school and a library. a further 2 years graduates receive the degree of M.Sc. (Nursing). At breakfast Nar the Narrator said that Mendel the Computer Maven would brief us on info found Firefigting in Poland while googling on his computer. Mendel said that: Danny and Fayvl then visited a firehouse, and spoke • The Polish Genealogical Society of America is at: with the fire chief. They learned that a fire 984 N. Milwaukee Ave. Chicago, IL 60622. department is called straz pozarna (fire guard), and a fire engine is a wóz strazcki. Professional firefighers • Unlike our 911, the Poland emergency numbers belong to a national organization and are financed are: Medical: 999, Fire department: 998, Police: 997 from the national budget—as are the police. To be a professional firefigher one attends a school in • There are towns in the United States named Poland Czestochowa or Warsaw. The national organization in Ohio, Indiana, Maine and 2 in New York. website is at: http://www.kgpsp.gov.pl/ • To show solidarity after 9/11 firefighters in Poland Graduates receive the title of lieutenant-warrant sounded their sirens on September 12, and officer (or second warrant officer in Polish, Hungarian firefighters tied black ribbons to their chorazy). They then lead firefighting actions. A vehicles. prerequisite is that one has to be 170 cm tall (5’7”). Fire engines for professional firefighers are custom • Prof. Stanislaw Batawia, Poland wrote that in built, mostly truck make Star. January 1940, the Chelm Lubelski Hospital, patients (128 women, 304 men and 18 children) were Also there are volunteer groups. A few people can machine-gunned and buried in the hospital grounds, organize, build a firehouse and rent it out for under the eyes of the Polish hospital staff. The SS parties, weddings, etc. to finance their expenses, needed the buildings for their quarters. and may get funding from their town. They provide general help to the town: pump water out Today Danny the Doctor and Fayvl the Firefigter of flooded cellars, etc., and get most of their will travel together, for they have a common interest. equipment from the professional group. Danny’s practice is at a burn center, and Fayvl is interested in burn therapy. They learned that there Poland participated in the 2002 International was no Burn Center in Chelm and that the major one Firefighters Olympics at Christchurch, New Was at the Medical University of Silesia in southwest Zealand. There were 55 events and each had Poland. categories. Poland, in its first appearance at the games, received 29 medals and 15 Gold medals. Katowice Burn Center Poland came in 12th, and the USA 8th. There were 30 countries participating and there were over 1500 The Medical University of Silesia consists of three athletes participating. faculties: Faculty of Medicine and Division of Nursing in Katowice (the one that carries lectures in On the way back Fayvl told Danny that during the English), Faculty of Medicine and Division of time he was going to be at the IAYC conference in Dentistry in Zabrze and Faculty of Pharmacy and Minneapolis next June, that he was going over to Division of Medical Analytics in Sosnowiec. visit the Burn Center at Regions Hospital in St. Paul. Fayl believes it is the best center in the Upper By far, of all the members of Our Yiddish Club Midwest. Danny would prove to be the one to have found the most needing to be done in Chelm. Danny decided Back at the hotel the conversation at dinner was that as a member of the American Burn Association about how quickly time had passed, and how little Board of Directors and a speaker at the next time was left. Only Perele and Rokhl had not been convention, May 10-13 in Chicago, he would report heard from. Tune in next month as we follow Our on the need for helping Chelm set up a burn center. Yiddish Club members on their final day in Chelm.

Our Yiddish Club’s Last Full Day in Chelm Our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville came to Chelm They all clapped their hands and stomped their feet, to connect with their ancestor’s hometown. We have for they knew that Fishl would be very impressed and traveled with all of them, except Rokhl di Raykhe honored. and Perl the Pearl Dealer. We also learned a little of Chelm today. So let’s visit the group at breakfast and But suddenly gloom passed over the club members hear of their plans for their last full day. when Heshy asked, “Where would the money come to build this dream.” As usual, Nar, the Narrator, led the discussion. Nar cleared his throat and stood up with a glass of orange Rokhl had a smile on her face, and in a low voice said, juice in his hand and said, “I had a dream and I “I shall donate the money in honor of my late would like to have us all raise our orange juice husband, Khayem der Karge. He would smile up in glasses and drink a toast to the resettlement of Jews heaven to learn what I did with his hard-saved in Chelm.” money. We would name it Chaim’s Chelm Cheder or Khayem’s Khelm Kheyder.” Rokhl raised her orange juice glass, and after the toast, asked, “How are we going to get Jews to Everyone was elated, for that would take care of the resettle Chelm.” finances, for Rokhl was a very, very rich woman, (ongeshtopt mit gelt), and she had no children. “That will be no problem,” said Nar.“ After all didn’t 20,000 Jews make to the frozen wasteland of After breakfast they decided that they would go Birobidjan?” around Chelm with a real estate agent and locate a potential site for the Chaim’s Chelm Cheder or “You’re right,” said Perl. Khayem’s Khelm Kheyder and would have enough room to build the Gymnasium and a Yeshiva. Nar proceeded to summarize his dream and lay the groundwork for the resettlement of Jews in Chelm. After many possible sites were dismissed, they all He explained that Birobidjan was a failure because agreed on the famous caves under the city. It would they didn’t start from the ground up. “What we need have excellent climate control and would not require to do is start a kheyder far kleyne kinder. We would any landscaping. have the CCCPTA.” With mission accomplished the group went back to “What is the CCCPTA,” asked Beryl. the Kamena Hotel to celebrate and pack for their return flight to America. They would report the great Nar replied, “That’s the Chaim Chelm Cheder PTA. news to Itzik Gottesman who would write a beautiful All of the parents with problem children who have story for the Yiddish Forward. been spoiled would come to Chelm instead of being sent to boarding school.” And so, dear readers of Der Bay, ends the tales and tribulations of Our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville. By this time all of the club members were caught up in However, it is only the beginning of all the Nar’s dream. The teacher said, “We even could have a happenings in Rokhl’s money bringing to reality gymnasia for the older children.” Nar’s dream of making Chelm, once again, the site of a thriving community of naronim. “That’s a great idea,” responded Nar. “They would be gymnocologists and take courses in gymnocology.” With your financial support, and urging your children and grandchildren, with problems, to make “This sounds better and better. Maybe we can even aliyah to Chlem—we can all help make this a reality. make your dream come true,” said Berl. So, send your letters of support to Der Bay, and urge Nar enriched his dream. “We then could have an other fools to do likewise. We shall publish the internationally famous Yeshiva where students from sincerest ones. We urge you to use a pseudonym so all over the world would come to study. In fact we that you will be able to show your modesty, and would give the graduates a Ph.D. degree.” others will not come flocking to your door and then you will truly be one of the Chelm Naronim. “What’s that?“ asked Tova. So return next month, and learn how Chelm began Nar replied, “That’s a Phishl Degree.” its journey back to the good old days.

Our Yiddish Club’s Return to the U.S.—Nar Proposes A Plan Our Yiddish Club (OYC) from Yenemsville went to than a yidishe kup, and the Technion is the premiere Chelm to connect with their ancestor’s hometown. Israeli science institution.” They also learned a little about Chelm. On the journey back to America plans were laid to fulfill Nar continued his narration and said, “In preparation Rokhl di Raykhes wish to spend part of her massive for the project, I sat up all last night and used my fortune that her late husband Khayem der Karger knowledge of grantsmanship. I typed up grants to left her. It would be to establish an ultra modern Phishl Moishe, NASA and the Technion. Yeshiva in the caves below Chelm. • Fishl Moishe—Supply additional financing Nar the Narrator assumed the role of Project • NASA—Supply equipment and supplies manager. After all he had a Ph.D. (a Phishl Degree) • Technion—Supply the technical know-how” in science and an MBA (an Emese Barimter Advocat). With such credentials, his many successes, and his “In filling out the RFP (request for proposal) I used ability to convince anyone of his narishkayt—he was the rationale that we need to take the best of all everyone’s natural choice. worlds. The secularists are the realists and use the modern science and technology. The fundamentalists Rokhl had had complete faith in Nar, but raised some have the enthusiasm, joy and fervor of Judaism. concerns about him when Nar laid out his plan and Besides they are the resource for our Yiddish the steps he would take. Nar stood in the aisle of the language. Students will learn Yiddish, Hebrew, plane on the way home and gave the outline of the Polish, and of course English. following general plan. After an initial outburst of clapping from everyone on “There will be no problem,” said Nar “After all didn’t the plane, suddenly gloom passed over all when 20,000 Jews make aliyah to the frozen wasteland of Heshy asked, “From where are we going to get the Birobidjan?” Nar summarized his plan and laid the students, teachers, and all of the support staff...” groundwork for the resettlement of Jews in Chelm. He explained that Birobidjan was a failure because they Nar was caught off-guard and said, “hmm, I never didn’t start from the ground up. “What we need to do thought about it. Let me think a moment.” is start a kheyder far kleyne kinder. We would have the CCC—the Chaim Chelm Cheder.” At this point there was an announcement over the loudspeaker. ”This is your captain, we shall be The Plan landing soon. Will all personnel and passengers return to your seats. We shall be landing at JFK in Nar proceeded to explain. “It will be the forerunner of about 15 minutes. There will be a short taxi time to the an ultra-modern, internationally famous Yeshiva gate—remain belted until the plane comes to a where students from all over the world would come complete stop.” to study. It would be in the famous caves below the city. At one time they were mined for chalk to be used As the plane slowly landed, each club member to write on blackboards.” thought how he or she could help Nar solve this problem. Soon they would be home and have many “While Rokhl has enough money to get the project stories to tell of their trip to Chelm. started, we shall need much more for such a grandiose project. My plan is to approach Phishl Dear readers, with financial support, and urging Moishe the large tobacco company. As part of the your children and grandchildren, with problems, to settlement, tobacco companies have to contribute make aliyah to Chlem—we can make this a reality. hundreds of millions of dollars to publicity and education.” Send your letters of solution to Der Bay, and help Nar solve this seemingly unsolvable dilemma. We urge “Another source is NASA. They are interested in you to use a pseudonym so that you will be able to developing closed-system environments. Our caves show your modesty, and others will not come are ideal for carrying out avant garde experiments flocking to your door and then you will truly be one and developing new techniques utilizing closed- of the Chelm Naronim. quarters living.” So, dear readers, return next month, and learn how “Yet another source of assistance is the Technion in Nar solved the problem of getting students, teachers Israel. Everyone knows that there is no better kup and support staff to come to the caves under Chelm and establish the Chaim Chelm Cheder.

Problems Arise in Nar’s Proposed Plan for the Chaim Chelm Cheder (CCC) by Philip Fishl Kutner Last month, on Our Yidish Club’s flight home from All went well until the Forverts spilled the beans, let visiting Chelm Poland, Nar proposed a plan for the the cat out of the bag and published the list of CCC. However, a dilemma surfaced when Heshy winners. Nar was bombarded with phone calls and asked where were we going to get the students even a lawsuit threatening him with demeaning the teachers and support staff to come and live in name of a loved misfit. Each refusee was humiliated Chelm in the CCC which will be established in the that he/she was not a qualified prospect for CCC. chalk caves carved out beneath the city? To prevent the escalation of a public scandal, Rokhl Nar phoned Fishl, editor of Der Bay, and asked if turned again to Nar and said, “You got me into this he could put in an RFA (request for advice) from mess, come up with an idea to get us out of it.” his erudite readers. The request was fulfilled and the mail carrier delivered bushels of responses. Nar turned for assistance to his dear friend, Fishl. After much deliberation the plan began to gel. First Almost to a tee they read, “ I am deeply moved by all D and U applicants would have to fulfill all of the Nar’s plight for staff and students for the CCC. I criteria to show good faith. Not surprisingly, down to have a _______ (you fill in the blank— daughter– the last one, each complied. This showed how in-law, son-in-law, husband, wife, under-achiever, detested they were and how miserable they were. dyslexic, dysfunctional or addictive) who would benefit from being removed from a normal Jewish The plan was to cave (house) a third of the group. home and be in a sheltered, caring and loving cave. Since the day in Chelm has 24 hours, they’d be in the cave and learn at the CCC for 8 hours. Since they Fishl delivered the bushels of responses to Nar and would sleep 8 hours, the unemployed Chelm with Rokhl helping they spent days reading and households could have boarders. Chelm has 21% rereading the letters. They decided to sort them unemployment. Also, they would not be fed during into piles of qualified (Q), doubtful (D) and those hours. Households received for each sleeper unqualified (U). The criteria that were established $5 per night, $30 per week or $120 per month. for each of the three categories were based on: (These numbers are important. A budget had to be submitted for grants to make up a shortfall. • How large a check was sent to be sure that their _______ was selected. We have taken care of 16 hours. What can we do for the next 8 hours? Since we are working on 3 shifts, • Corroborating letters of reference who attested to there had to be something that they could do at the qualifications of _______ as a viable different hours. Oh, it was decided to have the shifts candidate for admission to CCC. go 8am-4pm, 4pm-midnight and midnight-8am. • The willingness to send continued contributions The easiest was the first group from 8am-noon. to see that _______ would not leave for at They would be teachers aides and help teach least a year. English speaking and reading. In the second group the girls would be mother’s helpers and also baby- • A psychiatric evaluation which attested to the sit so the moms could have free time. The boys fact that a vacation from a normal Jewish would be doing handy jobs around the house. This environment would definitely make would be in return for 2 meals a day. him/her a better Jew. The toughest job was what to do with the midnight- • Accepting and signing to live by the narishkaytn 8am shift. The decision was made to place them in established by Nar—known as the N.N.s or the library. It was always empty those hours and for enens (Nar’s Narishkaytn). the brightest teachers staff and students, they could spend the time reading and studying. The only extra • (***Most important of all, and being the main cost was the extra heat and electricity. Also some reason for selection) A letter from the could be placed in the hospital for night duty. applicant himself/herself stating that he/she is in an unbearable situation and It appeared this problem was solved, but how are any place would be better than where the problems of the cold and dampness to be he/she is now. handled inside a cave without polluting the environment? Come back next month and see! It was interesting to note that Nar reported that the applications were equally distributed among Q, D and U. This resulted in more than a sufficient number of qualified and accepted teachers, staff and students.

Nar’s Plan for the Chaim Chelm Cheder (CCC) Cave Environment by Philip Fishl Kutner Last month Nar solved the problems of getting to see that _______ would not leave for at teachers, support staff and students. The problem least a year. likewise was solved on how to handle the large number. It was decided to have a total of 240 • A psychiatric evaluation which attested to the because they could be divided into groups of 120, fact that a vacation from a normal Jewish 80, 60, 40, 20, 10, 5, 4, or 2. Since there would be 8- hour shifts, there would be 80 in the cave at a time. environment would definitely make The distribution would be 20 teachers, 20 support him/her a better Jew. staff and 200 students. This would be a student teacher ratio of 20:1. This is excellent. • Accepting and signing to live by the narishkaytn established by Nar—known as the N.N.s or The support staff would consist of administrators, enens (Nar’s Narishkaytn). office staff physician, a nurse, a psychologist, specialty area teachers, labor trades, nurserymen, • (***Most important of all, and being the main computer and electronic mavens. reason for selection) A letter from the applicant himself/herself stating that he/she is in an unbearable situation and any place would be better than where he/she is now. Plans called for a Buckminster fuller style geodesic It was interesting to note that Nar reported that the dome to be built above the cave. It would have a applications were equally distributed among Q, D radius of 50 feet. Thus it would be 50 feet at its highest point, have a diameter of 100 feet and a and U. This resulted in more than a sufficient floor space of 7,857 square feet. number of qualified and accepted teachers, staff and students. If fabricated in the U.S. it would cost approximately 2 million dollars; however if it would be done in All went well until the Forverts spilled the beans, let Poland the estimation would be between $500,000 the cat out of the bag and published the list of and $600,000, about $2500 per person. winners. Nar was bombarded with phone calls and even a lawsuit threatening him with demeaning the name of a loved misfit. Each refusee was humiliated that he/she was not a qualified prospect for CCC. Nar phoned Fishl, editor of Der Bay, and asked if To prevent the escalation of a public scandal, Rokhl he could put in an RFA (request for advice) from turned again to Nar and said, “You got me into this his erudite readers. The request was fulfilled and mess, come up with an idea to get us out of it.” the mail carrier delivered bushels of responses. Nar turned for assistance to his dear friend, Fishl. Almost to a tee they read, “ I am deeply moved by After much deliberation the plan began to gel. First Nar’s plight for staff and students for the CCC. I all D and U applicants would have to fulfill all of the have a _______ (you fill in the blank— daughter– criteria to show good faith. Not surprisingly, down to in-law, son-in-law, husband, wife, under-achiever, the last one, each complied. This showed how dyslexic, dysfunctional or addictive) who would detested they were and how miserable they were. benefit from being removed from a normal Jewish home and be in a sheltered, caring and loving cave. The plan was to cave (house) a third of the group. Since the day in Chelm has 24 hours, they’d be in Fishl delivered the bushels of responses to Nar and the cave and learn at the CCC for 8 hours. Since they with Rokhl helping they spent days reading and sleep 8 hours, the unemployed households could rereading the letters. They decided to sort them have boarders. Chelm has 21% unemployment. into piles of qualified (Q), doubtful (D) and Also, they would not be fed during those hours. unqualified (U). The criteria that were established Households received for each sleeper $5 per night, for each of the three categories were based on: $30 per week or $120 per month. (These numbers are important. A budget had to be submitted for • How large a check was sent to be sure that their grants to make up a shortfall. _______ was selected. We have taken care of 16 hours. What can we do for • Corroborating letters of reference who attested to the next 8 hours? Since we are working on 3 shifts, the qualifications of _______ as a viable there had to be something that they could do at candidate for admission to CCC. different hours. Oh, it was decided to have the shifts go 8am-4pm, 4pm-midnight and midnight-8am. • The willingness to send continued contributions

The easiest was the first group from 8am-noon. They would be teachers aides and help teach English speaking and reading. In the second group the girls would be mother’s helpers and also baby- sit so the moms could have free time. The boys would be doing handy jobs around the house. This would be in return for 2 meals a day. The toughest job was what to do with the midnight- 8am shift. The decision was made to place them in the library. It was always empty those hours and for the brightest teachers staff and students, they could spend the time reading and studying. The only extra cost was the extra heat and electricity. Also some could be placed in the hospital for night duty. It appeared this problem was solved, but how are the problems of the cold and dampness to be handled inside a cave without polluting the environment? Come back next month and see!

Minutes of OYC March 20, 2005 As reported to Philip Fishl Kutner Fishl had not heard from Our Yiddish Club (OYC) only in Yiddish, Yinglish or Eynglish, but no English. Our authority will be Leo Rosten and from Yenemsville since they had returned from their his Joys of Yiddish. visit to their ancestral home of Chelm, Poland. So he asked his friend Nar, the OYC forzitser, to update Perele the Pearl Peddler: I second the motion, no, ikh shtitse a firleyg. him. It seems that Chelm affected the OYC more than they had affected Chelm. Readers of Der Bay may Benny the Beer Brewer: sa vot iz she seyen—iz she sekuhnen da moshun? remember many of the 13 OYC members who went on the trip to Chelm. Nar: Benny, ya gotta spik tu da tsher. Pincus, az der program forzitser, vos tuen mir haynt? ******************* Nar: The meeting of Our Yiddish Club is now called to order. Will the Secretary please read the minutes of the last meeting. Leybl the Librarian: Mr. Chairman, how can we Pincus the Pickle Maker: Der program iz “Kveln have minutes before we have seconds? fun di kinder.” Yeder mitglid zol zogn a por verter fun di kinder un eyniklekh. Nar: Pincus, as parliamentarian how do you rule Gitl the Gardener: Ikh hob nor eyn zun, un er iz Pincus the Pickle Maker: Leybl is right. We cannot gey. read the minutes until someone seconds a motion. Nar: Meynt dos az er iz freylekh oder er glaykht mener. Nar: But we have no motion on the floor. Will someone make a motion? Gitl: Yo! Leybl: I move that we call Our Yiddish Club— Nar: Yo, vos? Undzer Yidish Klub, so that it will be in Gitl: Er iz freylekh, un oykhet er glaykht mener. Yiddish. Everyone: (“Yo, yo, yo” is heard throughout the Nar: Vainraykh in zayn verterbukh ruft dos meeting hall. Then a moment of silence). homoseksuel. Nar: Fayvl, why are you raising your hand? Do Rokhl the Raykhe: Bay mir iz dos ibergekert. you want to speak on the motion? Mayn tokhter Teresa hot a meydele vos heyst Trudy. Zi glaykht nor froyen. Vi azoy ruft men Fayvl the Fire Fighter: I would like to offer an dos af yidish? amendment to the motion. Instead of calling Our Yiddish Club, Undzer Yidish Klub, we Nar: Ikh veys nisht. Vaynraykh hot nisht aza vort should call it the Sho Yidish Club. Sho in in zayn verterbukh. Dos iz genuk vegn kinder Hebrew is hour and hour comes after minute. un kinds kinder. Lomir itst esn. Bobe, vos hostu gebakn far undz? Nar: Leybl, if you accept the amendment, we won’t have to vote on the amendment and the Bobe the Baker: Haynt hob ikh gebakn a babke far motion. mayn geburtstog. Leybl: I accept the amendment. Nar: Bobe, vi yung bistu? Nar: Good, will all in favor, raise their hands. Since Bobe: Kh’bin nayn un draysik—tsvey mol. everyone raised both hands, the motion as amended passed. Editor’s note: So ended the March 20, 2005 meeting of Our Yiddish Club from Yenemsville. During the Heshy the Chocolate Maker: As long as we have business meeting they changed their name and made a motion, made an amendment and decided to speak only Yiddish, Yinglish or changed our club name, I think we ought to go Eynglish, but not English. all the way. So I make a motion that we speak

The First Chelmrolet Rolls Off the Assembly Line! by Philip Fishl Kutner There was the first CCC (Chelm Car Celebration). It be chosen. Third, since Chrystler is the smallest of the was a rejoicing that Chelm had not seen since the big three, and since Hershl Ferd was not good to the rabbi’s first son was born. Balloons filled the sky and Jews, and since General Motorn was the largest, the Champagne literally flowed in the streets. decision was made to go with GM. We are getting ahead of ourselves. When Ditroyt heard about it, there was a flurry of How did this come to be? How did Chelm get to action. GM stocks doubled overnight, and money build its own automobile plant? Let’s hear the story flowed in to build an ultra-modern assembly plant. as it was first reported by the Alte Press, the AP However, soon a series of problems arose. It dealt newswire service. with the unskilled laborers available among the Chelm Labor force. Since the women had done all *************** the work, the men had no work ethics or skills. The development all started late one night as the CCC (Chelm City Council) was winding up its Ditroyt was in a quandary and the GM stocks fell to business. It was reported that someone said that it half its original value. A bright idea occurred to the would be an opportunity to do something about GM CEO, call in Fishl as a consultant/arbitrator. Chelm’s high unemployment rate—approaching After all, he had experience in such matters. Besides 50%. In Chelm all the women worked, but the men Fishl’s Feeble Fee was only a GM contribution to Der had only temporary jobs. It seems that the men could Bay and the monthly copies to be on file at the GM, only get part-time work in helping their wives Ditroyt, Library Headquarters. produce babies. Fishl’s Final Formula The article further states that the incentive was the recent entering of Poland into the EU, the European 1. GM auto designers would make drawings for an Union. This would open up Chelm to tourism and ultra-modern, new type luxury SUV taxi that great prosperity, but how would tourists get around would be able to smoothly maneuver the Chelm if there were no modern cars and the muddy streets city ruts. filled with ruts would not be conducive to automobile travel. 2. The taxis should be equipped with a state-of-the- art GPS (Global Positioning system). There was Further reading of the report explains that the CCC always the possibility that the Chelm taxi would approach the IMF the International Monetary drivers might venture out of the city limits. Fund to borrow money from the International Bank to build a modern automobile manufacturing plant 3. The factory should be built with outside laborers in Chelm. so that time could be used to get the men of Chelm to learn about the WWW (wonderful •It would employ only men—thus solving Chelm’s world of work). unemployment problem. 4. A kosher kafeteria should be built in the plant so • They would build a special vehicle, a luxury SUV, that the employees would have a kosher hot with off-road capability to maneuver Chelm’s meal during the long, cold, snowy winter days. rutted roads until there would be so much money that a regular paved road could be built. 5. Instead of coffee breaks the time would be spent in davening. • It would be called the Chelmrolet, the General Motorn SUV luxury model. 6. Finally, the highest rewards to the recipients for attendance and good workmanship would be Lest you think that the CCC was not thorough into their selection of aliyes at the High Holiday looking at the matter of choosing a parent company, Services. let me assure you that such was not the case. On your next trip to Europe visit the modern shtetl The astute reasoning went like this. First, the people of Chelm. It now has a single lane paved road most likely to come as tourists to Chelm would be down the main street and all around the shtetl. Jews, and the USA has the most Jews. Second, since Taxis always pass by going around and around in USA has the most cars, a USA manufacturer should wide loops and down the main thoroughfare.

Chelm Convenes a Beth Din By Philip “Fishl” Kutner At the very start let me tell you that this was no every The hotels in the new Chelm Jewish quarters were day occurrence. This was no laughing matter. No, it so crammed that prefabricated hotels were flown in was not something to be taken lightly. The entire on Air Force One. President Kust, trying to increase shtetl spoke about it morning noon and night. After his popularity among the Jewish voters, personally all a Beth Din is the convening of the Jewish High ordered the services of his own Air Force One. Court. Finally came the day of the trial. All was in order. Who were the individuals involved? What was the The media was in the balcony so as not to interfere principle to be upheld and what was the specific with the panel of judges, the plaintiff, defendant, legal point that was the cause of this highly unusual the lawyers, the court recorders and the bailiffs. and extraordinary historical event? The balcony was twice the size of the lower level, for the media came from all over the Yiddish- Let us cut to the chase, let us let out the whole nine Speaking World. yards, let us not dilly-dally around, but get right to the core of this matter. Dear readers of Der Bay, we wish you to know that our editor, Fishl, has personally set up an office in On the one hand it related to the rights of an author Chelm for the duration of the trial. At first he was to have his manuscripts kept in contact for perpetuity going to send Dr. Izzy to cover the proceedings, but versus the rights and welfare of the masses. Fishl’s dear wife Serke convinced him that it would be a shande, for his readership expected nothing but Specifically it deals with the use of the word the best. So at this moment Fishl is comfortably luftmebtsh. How is it possible that a single word can quartered in downtown Chelm only a short distance have such an overwhelming effect on the worldwide from the newly constructed Yiddish quarters. Yiddish Community? The panel of judges literally represented all religious Everyone knows that Jews have been The People of ideologies and came from all over the Yiddish The Book and that knowledge, and its accompanying World. Our own Nar the Narrator of Fishl’s Chelm studying have a foundation in Jewish culture for stories was unanimously selected as the chief judge. millennia. Part of this dilemma was the rabbinic concept of pilpul, or hair-splitting dialectical debates. Thus began the famous case that was known as the Case of the Chelm Luftmentsh. The plaintiff was the The question was, ”Should the time-honored famous lexicologist of the Greypritsh Yiddish-English, tradition be set aside for the common good when English-Yiddish, Yiddish-Polish, Polish-Yiddish times change and new knowledge is uncovered?” Dictionary. Yes, none other than Yehudah Graperich. So what was the new knowledge that precipitated Advokat: Dr. Greypritsh, please state your case. the convening of the Beth Din? Of all places why was it convened in Chelm? After all everyone knows that Dr. Greypritsh: I just have finished the revision of Chelm is far from the Yiddish centers today in New my internationally accepted standard for the York, Los Angeles, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. Yiddish language. If I had to change the definition of a luftmentsh, it would mean that I would have to Yes, why would such media interest have been retype all the pages from M-Z. Besides, if Sholom generated that channel WJEW from New York and Aleichem, Mendel or I.L. Peretz were here they channel KJEW from Los Angeles would send their would agree with my definition of luftmentsh, and top anchor women to cover the proceedings? they were the great literary writers of Yiddish. The New York daily Yiddish newspaper, Der Chelmer At that point one could hear a loud murmur of Yid (worldwide circulation of 350,000) the Tel Aviv agreement from the judges. Nar admonished the based weekly magazine, Der Nayer Chelmer Yid judges for voicing their agreement. “The case is not (claiming to have a worldwide circulation of 350,001) over, the prosecutor has another witness and we both sent their top reporters to Chelm. still must hear from the defendant.” The media moguls are not fools. When advertisers Return next month, Dear Reader, as we follow the rush to double advertising space, then the media Case of the Chlem Luftmentsh, hear the next witness follows the time-honored maxim of publish or perish. and learn of the defendant’s testimony…

DISCOVERY OF A LOST CHELM MANUSCRIPT By Philip Fishl Kutner The Der Bay newsletter was the first to release a construct the geodesic dome. Thus Rokhl di Raykhe report of the news of the discovery of a heretofore, could make a very sizeable donation to the relief unknown manuscript entitled, The Wisdom of the efforts of the great tsunami disaster. Chelm Sages. It was initially reported at the first meeting in Yenemsville of (OYC) Our Yiddish Club The outline of the grants called for the seeds to be after the Club had returned from its fact-finding visit sprouted in the darkness of the cave and gibberelic to Chelm, Poland. acid placed on the tips of the sprouts upon beginning brought up to the dome after sundown. Each night It seemed that the Head Librarian of The Higher the plants would be returned to the darkness of the Vocational State School in Chelm had heard from his cave until the next nightfall. An elaborate system of dying grandfather the rumor that a time capsule had transport would be designed to move the plants been buried many years ago in the deep recesses of a swiftly and with minor disturbance. cave under Chelm. This information was relayed to Leybl the Librarian when Leybl had met the head By this time news of the discovery of the existence of librarian. The Wisdom of the Chelm Sages had reached the chair of the congressional appropriations committee. The Well, it seems that one night while everyone was committee decided if the information is correct that asleep Leybl the Librarian sneaked down into the the Request for Proposal (RFP) should be altered and cave and after much searching found the long-lost that the amount be greatly increased. Chelm Time Capsule. Upon opening it, he found only a single item—the tome, The Wisdom of the Chelm Because the manuscript was written totally in Sages. He quickly shut the time capsule and returned Yiddish, it was necessary to have a Yiddish-English to the Kamena Hotel where the rest of Our Yiddish translator at the hearings. Members of OYC took Club members were sleeping. turns at this task, for the grueling by the congressmen and congresswomen was intense. Leybl had stored the manuscript in the bottom of his valise and did not open it until he returned to So it was. The hearings held in Washington were an Yenemsville. When he opened it, much to his instant news success. It matched the media coverage surprise, he realized it was written entirely in of the Lindbergh Kidnapping Trial, O.J. Simpson Yiddish. It was organized in sections or chapters. Trial or the Peterson Trial. It did more to foster the revitalization of Yiddish than any event in history. The first section dealt with plants. It seems that the Universities clamored to establish Endowed Chairs photosynthetic process has a counterpart in the of Yiddish Studies. albinosynthetic process. The substance chlorophyll has a counterpart called albinophyll. Photosynthesis TV announcers and newspaper reporters constantly is powered by sunlight while albinosynthesis utilizes were urged to make this story their prime concern. the rays of moonlight. Because of the vast public interest in the United States and the international community, the hearings The section went on to say that the seeds had to be were headlines day in and day out. Advertisers sprouted in total darkness an then exposed to moon clamored for more time. Best of all, Chelm, Our light and placed in total darkness during periods of Yiddish Club and Yenemsville tee-shirts became the sunlight. If this procedure were to be diligently fashion rage for teenagers. Income from their sales followed fruit trees and vegetables plants could be soared into the millions. grown to maturity and bear edible produce. The OYC has been one of the founding members of Leybl then suggested that they write a grant for the (IAYC) International Association of Yiddish research and development (R & D) to NASA for use Clubs. When the IAYC contacted the OYC about in spaceships traveling on long voyages to distant supporting the IAYC Conference to be held in Tel galaxies and to NOAA (National Oceanographic and Aviv, the OYC voted to pay the transportation, Atmospheric Agency) for undersea exploration and registration and accommodation costs for the the possibility of establishing an ocean bottom city. presidents of each IAYC member club. The million dollar grant from NASA and the half This came from only the first section of The Wisdom of million dollar grant from NOAA would be sufficient the Chelm Sages. Follow this series in Der Bay as Leybl to purchase to purchase the cave property and the Librarian translates succeeding sections.



Moishe the Mikve Maker from Minsk Visits Chelm By Philip Fishl Kutner Moving along the muddy road one May day, Moishe Naturally Mayer the Mayor wanted Moishe to stay the Mikve Maker slowly made his way along his at his house and Molly, his wife made a special milts regular route repairing and making mikves. Mikve- for supper, and so Moishe spent the night in the making is an art just like a scribe writing and Mayor’s home. repairing Torahs. The next morning everyone went to the Great Chelm Moishe came from a very long line of mikve makers. Shul. All the men sat downstairs on the main level Mendel his father and Mayer his father’s father and while the women and girls were in the balcony. all the way back as far as anyone in Minsk could ever trace, the family had been in the mikve business. The gossip among the women was how to get From father to son the art was handed down. Moishe to design a mikve. For generations now Chelm had no mikve. It seems that a fire had burned These mikves were no ordinary mikves. Much love the last one—having been set by a distressed lover. and care went into each design—no two were alike. Since no one in Chelm knew how to design a mikve, Once you had immersed in one of Moishe’s Mikves the women went down to the river to bathe. But you were never the same. There was an ethereal aura each spring the water was muddy and this made the that surrounded the place. It was said that Meshiakh men very unhappy. Thus the women were not herself came to bathe in the Great Minsk Mikve. clean, and this silenced the baby-making machines. Towns vied for Moishe’s workmanship. When Moishe came into town, all the women sent their Since Moishe could not leave anyway, why not have husbands to invite Moishe over for dinner. him stay this next week and design a new mikve. With Moishe’s design the men of Chelm could Moishe always was home for the Shabes, for Miriam, proceed to build the new Chelm Mikve. his wife, would not tolerate his absence over the Shabes. Each Monday Moishe hitched Malke, his That night everyone in town came to plead with trusty mangy mare, to the wagon and set out to bless Moishe to design a one-of-a kind Mikve. Moishe and repair many mikves. No longer did he travel was overwhelmed by the sincerity and enthusiasm more miles, for his promise to Miriam kept him of the Chelm mentshn—especially the maidens. He locally. This happened when his son Meksele was agreed and proceeded to design the most elaborate born. mikve he had ever made—with the possible exception of the Magnificent Minsk Mikve. As with all things human, problems arise. One stormy morning, while Moishe was on the new Moishe received a huge sum and set out on his way macadam road, a tremendous storm arose and home. It was an uneventful journey and his mare washed away the bridge home. The boatman would brought him home before sundown. not cross the swollen river. So Moishe decided to go along the river until he would find another bridge or Meanwhile back in Chelm there was a town another boatman. It was now Friday morning and he meeting. Plans had to be made on carrying out the had to be home before sundown. construction of the Chelm Mikve. Soon a dilemma arose—no one in town could read the plans, and Well, as sometimes happens matters became worse. town pride would not let them tell anyone else. Moishe got farblondzhet, and even though he drove After all, what would the others think if they found his mare harder, it seemed that he was getting out that no one in Chelm could read Moishe’s plans. further and further away from home. It would be a terrible kharpe un a shande. Because sundown was rapidly approaching and he Just like in all democratic societies, it was decided to would not drive during shabes, he looked for the call a town meeting and to have the combined town nearest Jewish home. It seems that in traveling so far mind to come up with a solution. that he had reached the outskirts of Chelm. Finally, a wise woman said the reason no man could When word spread out that Moishe was stranded read the plans was because they did not hold the away from home, and looking for a place to stay over paper properly. If it was turned upside down, it the shabes, every woman and maiden the length and could be read. Lo and behold, as soon as the plans breadth of Chelm started to primp and prepare to were turned upside down all became apparent, and have him stay at their house. so the Majestic Chelm Mikve was built.

The Chelm Comicbukh—A Bestseller By Philip Fishl Kutner The publisher of the New York Tsayt called in his parents had sent him. He would not study and only redactor and noted that there should be a feature wanted to draw funny pictures of the melamed. This story about the success of The Chelm Comicbukh. annoyed the melamed and even being it with a After all, the Yiddish version was #1 on the Tsayt’s kontshik didn’t help. Fiction Bestseller’s List, #2 in the English version and #3 in the Mandarin version. This had never Luckily, one day an alter Lublin lerer saw Gimpel’s happened in all the time that the list had been caricatures and was instantly impressed. He sent a published. letter home to Gimpel’s parents and suggested that Gimpel’s talents would be wasted at any Yeshiva The redactor agreed and it was decided to send their and to immediately enroll him in the Warsaw dynamic young cub reporter, Yingele, to cover the National Art Resource (WNAR). story. They figured it would take a month for Yingele to travel, get established, make the proper Suddenly Gimpel’s fame began to spread and he contacts, do the interviews and send back the published his first Comicbukh. It was only a small installments to be featured in the special zuntik book of caricatures. One day Gimpel saw a comic zhurnal opteylung. book, in English, at a newsstand. He immediately got the idea to create Yiddish stories from his Yingele Travels to Chelm drawings. The rest is history. Word soon reaches Chelm un ale meydelekh fun 14 Gimpel Characters (GCs) biz 19, un ale alte moyds 20+ began to primp, for Yingele’s picture was published in the Chelm Gimpel admired Chaim Schmaltz and his GCs. So Freiheit and the news announcer on WNAR told he called them Pishke Shvarts, Fistashke, Shnapsi, how handsome Yingele was—and that he was Serkele, Ketsele, and Hintele. single. Their adventures in Chelm were the source of This was Yingele’s first major assignment. He Gimpel’s cartoons. Don’t be surprised when you decided that to be successful his mind had to be find Pishke Shvarts sending e-mail messages to his 100% on the task and not to be detracted by any pet kesele and she meows him back. female overtures—mainly mames. Another series of episodes in modern-day Chelm Yingele’s flight to Warsaw on Lot, the Polish takes place in the string of cafes, kave hayzer, bikher Airline, his train trip to Chelm took him through kromen and boutiques surrounding the old town Lublin and his arrival went without a problem. It square. was especially planned that he would arrive at night—quietly and go directly to the Kamena How to Get Your Very Own Copy Hotel. The Chelm Comicbukh can be purchased at your Yingele Meets Gimpel, Der Groyser Knaker local bookstore. If they don’t have a copy, ask them to order it. The book has 256 pages of cartoons and a Early the next morning Yingele walks down ??????, comprehensive Yiddish-English-Mandarin Glossary the main street of Chelm and enters Shternbucks. in the front. The cost is only 12 Tsarist rubles and He walks to the back to a small table where Gimpel includes shipping and handling. is waiting. The owner had been untergeshmirt to put a sign outside that read The Chelm If you have trouble purchasing your own personal Shternbucks will be closed a month for copy, and would like to receive a Fishl’s autographed renovations. copy, please send Fishl 14 Tsarist rubles and a self- addressed, stamped, brown envelope. The envelope Yingele was surprised, for he saw a young boy who must be 9”x12”, for the book is 8.5”x11”. had just recently begun to grow facial hair. How was it possible that Gimpel could be the famous For librarians, the ISBN has not been assigned; cartoonist of the Bestselling The Chelm Comicbukh? however, it does have a CSBN (Chelm Serial Book Number) which is chelm1-0000-1. This will assist the Gimpel explained that he was kicked out of every person at the bookstore.* Because of its difficulty in cheder in Chelm and even in Lublin where his ordering, YIVO, NYBC and the WC do not stock it.

The Invention of the C.H.E.L.M. by Philip Fishl Kutner Word reached the outside world that the third most result from investigations made by the student). Of marvelous invention of all time had been created in a course the C is for the name of the shtetl Chelm. distant shtetl in a remote section of Eastern Poland. It Now the whole world knew that the C.H.E.L.M. was third only behind the invention of the wheel and acronym stands for the Chelm Heuristic English the zero in the Arabic Number System. Language Machine. There were full-page ads in all of the newspapers, While the mystery had been solved, the questions and in the New York Tsaytn it had a full centerfold started coming in faster and faster. In general they spread. T.V. ads extolled the virtues of the centered on—how does the machine work? C.H.E.L.M.. Cohen, Cohn and Coan realized that they would It was such a hot ticket item that requests were need to hire a team of tech writers to explain the flooding in—how could one buy stock in the operations of the C.H.E.L.M.. A search was begun in C.H.E.L.M.? Dealers in equities searched for the Silicon Valley for the best tech-writing firm. With all company symbols on the NYSE. They learned that of the expertise in the Greater San Jose Area the CHE is for Chemed Corp., and it provides hospice search team still was not satisfied. It was decided to care. No, that was not the company. CLM was a broaden the search and ask Microhard for advice. company in Chile. After much delay they were able to reach Velvel, the Cohen, Cohn and Coan decided that the investment Microhard CEO (Commander of the English companies needed to know what symbol to use for Organization). His advice was, ”Since a Chelmer C.H.E.L.M., so they decided to call Chelm and ask invented the C.H.E.L.M., have a Chelmer write the the Wise Sage of Chelm. The response was swift and tech support for the tech manual that would showed the reason why she was called the Wise Sage accompany the C.H.E.L.M..” of Chelm. “Since YIVO uses KH instead of CH, call it KHM.” Everyone was elated. When word got out of Velvel’s advice, the speculation in the speculative C.H.E.L.M. stock There is always a dark cloud in every silver lining. It skyrocketed. The IPO (Initial Public Offering) of the came suddenly in an e-mail message from a young stock had been $1,000 and had split twice in the first child in La Paz, Bolivia. “What is the C.H.E.L.M., and week, because of the speculative-driven market. The what do the letters stand for?” stock changed the financial situation from a ber to a bik market. Frenzy overtook Vant Gas and the phones began to ring in Chelm. The response was, “The C.H.E.L.M. is At this point let us return to our shtetl Chelm and see a machine and that is what the M stands for.” Joy hit what is transpiring in the international headquarters Manhattan and there was revelry in all of the pubs. and the manufacturing plant where the beta phase of C.H.E.L.M. is just closing and mass production is It was not long before someone asked, “But what about to begin. kind of a machine is it?” The answer over the phone was loud and clear, “A Language Machine.” The C.H.E.L.M. international headquarters is located in downtown Chelm in bobes kikh. It all started This time the callers were not satisfied with partial when Fisheles bobe said, “Ya shud loyn eynglish.” answers. They wanted to know what the rest of the Being highly creative, he contacted Yankl Halpern in words were for the letters in the C.H.E.L.M. Japan. Yankl, a lexicographer, devised a system for acronym. looking up words in kanji and with Roman letters. “What kind of a language machine is it?” This Then a study was made of Ludovic Zamenhof’s answer brought many, “Of course what else could it Esperanto—Zamenhof was born in Bialystok in 1859? be?” So that Der Bay readers are not left in the dark, He developed Esperanto, a universal language. the answer was—English. The E stands for English. The manufacturing plant was bobes old barn where Further prodding gave the reply that H stands for the cow, 2 goats and a horse had been stabled. It was heuristic (of or constituting an educational method in now cleaned and even had a concrete floor. which learning takes place through discoveries that

To purchase C.H.E.L.M. stock or the latest model of the C.H.E.L.M., send 100 rubles to Fishl, c/o Der Bay. He will forward your request to Chelm and your good-natured local psychiatrist.

Chelm Gets A Landsmanshaft By Philip Fishl Kutner To this very day no one really knows how the news At the initial meeting of the newly-formed Chelm was leaked—but leaked it was. The Chelm Freiheit Landsmanshaft, it had been agreed unanimously to headline read: have all meetings transacted in the language of their folks —Yiddish. Polish, Russian, Ukrainian, German, CHELM TO GET A LANDSMANSAHFT French or even English could be used for the rare need to cuss. After an all night meeting, the CCCCCC (The Central Coordinting Council of Chairrmen of Chelm Clubs) After debate concluded on the writing of a had agreed on the wording of a resolution to be constitution and the bylaws for the first Chelm presented to the Chelm Shtetl Council—the highest Landsmanshaft, It further was decided that on the Governing Board of Chelm. shtetl outskirts they would build a beautiful meeting place—the CCC (Chelm Country Club). It was agreed 100% that no one would leak the news until the Chelm Shtetl Council first was informed of Then attention turned to how they would raise the the resolution—es past nisht. large sum of money needed to purchase the land and build Chelm Landsmanshaft’s own Chelm Country Was it one of the Chairmen who spoke in his sleep? Club. Was it one of the Chairmen who had too much Abie the Accountant turned to Lemke the Lawyer shnaps in shul? and asked, “Can we incorporate and get a 999c Was it one of the Chairmen who told his wife who non-profit status.” Lemke responded that 999c was for a not for profit status, but that an 888c could be swore she would not tell a soul? used for no-profit status, but it would necessitate Was it the trusted watchman who closed the meeting that all of the wives needed to agree to be held responsible for any of the unpaid debts created by hall? the men of the Landsmanshaft. Was it the secretary who took the minutes and It was decided not to go for a 999c or even an 888c accidentally left them out? status. Since the Landsmanshaft would be for men only, another form would be needed that would We may never, ever, know, but it was the talk of the permit them to get the best return on their shtetl. It was in each of the shternbucks kavehayzer. fundraising. Shmuel the shoykhet/shatkhn who also Women spoke of nothing else as they hung the was the shtot mohel came up with the brilliant idea Wednesday wash on the clotheslines. Men mumbled of having the wives form their own CLA (Chelm after minkhe all about the latest news. Landsmanshaft Auxiliary). Its sole purpose was to do fundraising to build the Chelm Country Club. How did this matter ever come to be? Why would Chelm want or need a landsmanshaft? A special secret meeting was held in which the wives They asked, “What is a landsmanshaft?” of the members of the Chelm Landsmanshaft were invited and Shmuel explained the wonderful mitsve These were the questions, and discussion swirled all the wives would do if they ran kugel baking parties over. Even the kinder in kheyder whispered these as fundraisers for the men’s Chelm Landsmanshaft questions. building fund. It was further explained that the women could have their own CLA, the men would Because Chelm had suddenly been thrust into the even allow the CLA to have its meetings at the CCC. 20th century, radio, telephone and a visitor had brought news of the outside world. This led to Needless to say the wise women of Chelm did not Chlemers visiting nearby Lublin, distant Warsaw and fall for this ruse; however, on your next visit to even the planet Amerike on the other side of the Chelm, if you go to the very northeastern edge of the Great Ocean. shtetl you will find a sign that says—Future Site of the Chelm Landsmanshaft Country Club. When the Chelmers returned, they were different, and spread all kind of rumors about what life was Every few weeks the sign needs to be straightened like outside of Chelm. They became like foreigners in out, for the boys use it as a target for their stone- their own shtetl. They were mocked and were not throwing on their way home from kheyder. permitted to attend any of the club meetings or hold office. Soon these outsiders banded together for health, cemetery, unemployment, and social benefits. They formed the Chelm Landsmanshaft

How Chelm Became the World Center for Alzheimer Patients By Philip Fishl Kutner While sitting around the big mahogany table, the • Who would handle the medications? Chelm City Council (CCC) was lamenting the lack of • Where would the relatives be housed when they revenues and the high unemployment rate. Suddenly Hymie slammed his fist hard on the mahogany table came to visit the patients? and said, “Ikh hob di entfer tsu undzere tsores.” Yup, • Who would handle the payments? I have the solution. It was already near midnight and the council If you want to be a winner, do what the winners do. decided to end the session and that a committee of America is the number one country in the world and the council would visit The Lublin College of they got there by using slick slogans. Emma Lazarus Physicians to learn more about Dementia. said, “Give me your tired…. President Bush himself a Compassionate Conservative. We can call ourselves ------------------- Compassionate Chelm. The mayor headed the committee to Lublin, and the meeting with the dean of the college went Who would think they would want the misfits. well— until… Yes, until the dean asked “Why do Chelm Common Sense would say give me your rich you want to bring over here meshugane amerikane and talented people. By taking in the ones no one else mentshn? The mayor replied, “They are no wanted, they became the richest country in the different than the rest of the amerikane. Ale world. amerikane zenen meshuge.” Councilwoman Shoylee said, “You are right. Let’s With this assurance the committee was satisfied, take in all of the Alzheimer patients. We can afford to and with the cooperation of the Dean assured, the house and care for them much cheaper than they can next step was to contact amerike and line up the in America. Our housing and labor costs are much flow of clients (It had been decide not to call them less.” patients). Councilman Hymie said, “See, we can put our idle The next day Mayer the Mayor e-mailed Fishl fun teenagers to work and rake in all those taxes from the Der Bay and asked him to contact Nar in rich Americans. There are 4,000,000 Americans who Yenemsville and ask if Our Yiddish Club would are demented. If we had only one percent, it would handle the details on this side of the Atlantic. He be 4,000. That would be more than we could possibly said that they would pay a commission of 6% for handle.” each client, and that it would be split evenly between the club and Der Bay. It was decided then and there that there would be a retraining program so that there would be a pool of Fishl was ecstatic, for it meant that Der Bay would Chelm Caregivers and the patients would be housed be free to everyone and Our Yiddish Club from in the Chelm Homes of the unemployed. This would Yenemsville could send all of their members to the take care of the housing problem. next International Association of Yiddish Clubs Conference. “Shah” said Mayer the Mayor “First we must learn all about the many forms of Dementia and about the The mayor then asked Fishl if the next conference main form, Alzheimer’s. I know that the mild form might not be held in Yenemsville and Our Yiddish lasts about 3 years, the medium form can last 2 to as Club could be the sponsoring host and Nar would long as 10 years and the severe form about 2 years.” be the chairperson and coordinate the conference. Most likely we won’t get patients with the mild form.” Fishl decided it was an excellent idea, but first there had to be a constant stream of demented clients. It Then the discussion turned to selection. was decided to ask the readers of Der Bay to • Should they take only male patients? cooperate in this worthy cause. If you are or know • Should they take only Jewish patients? someone who is demented and would like to have or your loved one have the kind and loving care Other questions arose that only can be found in Chelm immediately • How much should they charge? contact Fishl at [email protected]. • How were they going to get the patients? • Who was gong to train the caregivers? Please include in your message; Yiddish name, size of the client’s bank accounts, value of the portfolio and a medical certificate certifying dementia.

The Chelmer Gaon and Chess by Philip Fishl Kutner Stop! Did you say Chelmer Gaon. That is not The Gaon and Chess possible. How can Chelm produce a Gaon? Vilna had a Gaon, but Chelm—no! There must be a It all happened one day when Max der Melamed mistake. came to the Gaon with his problem. Because the Gaon had so large a following Max had to wait Yes, it is true, and the explanation is really quite fully two weeks before he was permitted to enter simple. It was determined that intelligence is a the Gaon’s Court. By this time the situation had Mendelian recessive trait. There are six genes deteriorated so badly that the parents had called a discovered that carry the trait of very high meeting, and Max der Melamed could not sleep. intelligence—brilliance. Finally Max’s wife Millie went to the Gaon’s Court It so happens that Chelmers have an unusual and pleaded with the men outside to intercede. It disproportionate number of these dominant genes; had gotten so bad that last Friday night Max did however, there is a very minute possibility that not fulfill his husbandly duties. This truly was a three genes from the mame and three from the tate crisis. When the Gaon was made aware of this line up to be recessive in the zygote and thus create crisis, he immediately had his lieutenant advise a genius. Remember that only three come from Millie to have Max come early the next morning. each parent—it’s possible. Happily Millie returned home, and Max was told The Chelmer Gaon’s tate was Simon the Shusters the good news. This burden was removed from his son and his mother was Sadie the Shnayders narrow shoulders, for he knew the Gaon would daughter. Thus there was yikhes in his family. That give him sage advice that would solve the is—yikhes in Chelm. dilemma. With the pressure removed Max again was able to perform his husbandly duties. Perhaps you may ask, “When did the parents realize that they had a genius?” The Gaon was the Early the next morning Max went to the Gaon’s eleventh of twelve children. By the time he was Court. He laid the problem before the Gaon. Since born they had a great deal of practical experience in the use of the computer, searches easily could be knowing about the mental and physical performed on Giggle, and the students became development of kinder. bored. By the time the Gaon was three years old he The wise Gaon said that the students needed to be already was completely potty trained—fully two challenged in a modern way. In addition to years before any of his siblings. This was highly knowing the Talmud, mishna, gemorrah it was unusual in Chelm and the Chelmer Frayheit carried necessary to compete in the modern world. The a full series on the Gaon and predicted a brilliant best way is to learn all about strategy. This is when career for him. By this time he could even sing the he recommended chess. alef, beyz giml song. Chess has an almost infinite set of possibilities. Several of the shkheynem with tekhter of the same Devising a game plan is part of Game Theory. age already were trying to make a shidakh for the Generals devised sets of possibilities and then tried young Gaon, but his wise Chelmer parents would to have counter-measures for each one. It is akin to hear nothing of it. Their son would marry a very coaches developing a game plan against an rich girl from Lublin or Crakow or even Warsaw, opposing team. with a huge dowry. When the melamed told the parents and students ***** what the Gaon advised, there was immediate Let us speed up the story, and we now have the acceptance. The students began playing chess with Gaon grown up. He has his court, his family and their parents and sibling at home. Then they played check out some of the wisdom he has expounded to on the computer with students from other the many admirers and followers all over Chelm. schools—even as far away as America. Naturally the advice he gave covered many areas The students could play chess only after they had from child rearing, kashruth dilemmas, health mastered their homework. This is another example problems and marital advice. Then came chess! of the sage advice given by the Gaon of Chelm.

Ellen Grinshpan and the (CFRB) Chelm Federal Reserve Board By Philip Fishl Kutner With the admission of the, Rzeczpospolita Polska, It was interesting to note that when Ellen tried this Republic of Poland, to the EU, European method of decision-making on a kroyt zup, a Union—the European Common Market, it was kartofl zup or even on a borsht, it was obvious in Warsaw that there was the necessity for unsuccessful. To make the matter even more a national financial policy. There was an intensive mysterious it was correct only when she used this search undertaken throughout the Republic to find method on her own stove, in her own kitchen in the most astute financial planner with impeccable Chelm. fiduciary credentials. This created a problem for the national There was a special joint meeting of the Senate government. How could the Polish Federal Reserve (upper house) and Sejm (lower house). It was Board not meet in the national capitol? It was called by the President with the full backing of the decided that if the commission was given the title prime minister. The unanimous decision was made of Chelm Federal Reserve Board, it could meet in to poll the members of the Warsaw Stock Exchange Chelm. It was also decided that the chairperson of (WSE) to determine the person with the highest the Board be known as the Chairlady. degree of honesty, integrity, intelligence, diplomacy, tact and knowledge of the international However, there was an error in the printing of the monetary systems. announcement, and it went out as the Charlady of the CFRB. A charwoman is a woman who is hired to The WSE had been reestablished in 1991 when the do heavy household cleaning, especially hired by new political and financial system took place in the day. Poland. In its early days it floundered because of the lack of a sound national financial policy. When Ellen found out about the error in printing, Advisors were called in from abroad and they instead of being angry, she was very pleased. After concurred with the idea of needing strong all it showed her humility and earthy background. leadership in the financial sector of the economy. Everyone in the entire Republic of Poland was When the governments of the 49 provinces pleased with the wise choice of Ellen Grinshpan as (Wojewodztwa) were contacted, and their the Charlady of the CFRB. Under her leadership approvals also were received, it was decided to go the Republic of Poland flourished, and Chelm ahead with the vote. It was published first in Cedula became renowned internationally as a center for the daily official bulletin providing information financial advice. In fact the Dean of the Harvard from the WSE (Warsaw Stock Exchange.) There are Business School visited Ellen and offered her a 26 members of the WSE and when they were professorship. Ellen graciously thanked the Dean, polled, all selected Madam Ellen Grinshpan. What, but declined the honor, for it would have taken her you have never heard of Ellen Grinshpan? Who is away from her beloved kitchen in Chelm. this Ellen Grinshpan? To this very day if you visit Chelm, you can stop by In the Chelm Wojewodztwo, in the municipality of Ellen’s home. On the first Friday morning of every Chelm, there was a matriarch who was head of the month Ellen’s Kitchen Cabinet, known as the most successful Polish investment company—Ellen Chelm Federal Reserve Board meets to decide the Grinshpan and Company. She was a mild- Polish Federal Rate. The meeting s are always over mannered, elderly, Jewish bobe who made her before noon so that Ellen can finish the traditional decisions based on the twirling lokshn as the preparations for the shabes and then visit the strands swirled in the boiling chicken soup. Yes if it Chelm Mikve. went clockwise, and no if it went counter- clockwise. Several reliable reports recently have been received by Fishl from members of Our Yiddish Club from Even as a young child Ellen had shown great Yenemsville who had returned to Chelm and had promise of her future potential. Her mathematical visited Ellen. The reports stated that if you tell her ability was far superior to any of the other children that you love to speak Yiddish, and that you are a even at the gymnasia. She was able to count on her reader of Der Bay, she will invite you for shabes fingers faster than any boy in her class. Likewise dinner—and you can taste her famous chicken soup her cooking ability was such that even the older with lokshn un beblekh. If any other readers visit women would come to Ellen for her unique recipes. Chelm, please write Fishl of your experience there.



Mayn Shtetele Chelm by Philip Fishl Kutner What if there would not have been the khurbn, Didn’t you hear the news? It was in the Khelmer shoah, Holocaust? Freiheit. It was on the radio station WNAR. Yes, Fishl is coming to town. Imagine all the way from What if there would not have been monsters in Amerike—no, not Amerike—Kelifornye. daytshland overrunning, decimating, torturing, What would happen if the barimter redaktor Fishl and cremating? fun Der Bay asked a question of a Chelmer Yeshive What if my people were allowed to live their bokherin and she could not answer the question correctly? normal, anti-semitic, corralled, highly taxed, quota- ridden lives? What if He wrote a different history? Last night I dreamed of Mayn Shtetele Chelm—and You see, in modern day Chelm things have all of the other shtetelekh no longer there. Neither changed. It is not like the olden days. We are living Mom nor Pop came from Chelm or even Belz—but in the 21st century. Yes the Gaon of Chelm is a froy, from towns much like Chelm or Belz. a mame mit ire eygene kinderlekh. While we were fortunate that mom and pop came Let us not waste time. Let us go down to the train to America before the Great Depression, we boys station and meet Fishl as his train pulls into the never saw our real shtetele. station and all of the children are carrying their fons and the blare of the shofars from the Chelm What if everything had been different, would my Yeshiva Orchestra plays, Mayn Shtetele Chelm. shtetele have a telephone in each shtibele? Would each heym have a garadzh? As Fishl steps off the train, he trips and falls. He Would the older teenage boys and girls on shabes was so surprised that, for a moment, he did not see be strolling and speaking our mame-loshn? the pothole. It was not what Fishl expected. When he awoke, he was in the shpitol and a khelmer When one is confronted with the harsh, stark and krankshvester was taking care of him. naked truth of the event that makes the many older Jewish misfortunes look like a speck in the great It was the headlines in the Khelmer Freiheit. It was Sahara Desert—how can one play the game of, on the radio station WNAR. Luckily it was not a What If? major health problem—just a concussion. But just suppose one could what if—What If. Soon Fishl left the khelmer shpitol and toured the Only a Dreamer can what if, but if this storyteller Yeshiva. All of the meydelekh were called to the closed his eyes and just imagined a What If scene in auditorium for an assembly, and Fishl selected Mayn Shtetele Khelm. What would life be like for several from the audience for questioning. Every our Sholom Aleichem’s Tevye and his mishpokhe question Fishl asked was answered perfectly. in 2005? The next morning the barimter redator Fishl fun Tekhterl, nem mayn hant un lomir geyn shpatsirn Der Bay would leave and write glowing reports in mayn dreml in dem hayntik—mayn shtetele about the Chelmer Yeshiva. khelm. Our story is not over, for everyone still could not All of the narishe kinder and all of their narishe get over the embarrassment of having Fishl fall eltern un zeyde-bobe are busy with narishkaytn— because of the nasty pothole at the train station. that is, their daily tasks in their homes, in zeyere kromen, baym taykh in shul un in der Chelmer After much deliberation di kluge khelme gaon Yeshiva. Yes the Gaon of Chelm is the principal of came up with a solution. “The reason Fishl fell was the Chelmer Yeshiva. because there was a pothole. But if there was a tepl- lokh, there would not have been a problem— and What is going on in the Yeshiva today? Why did Fishl would not have fallen.” the Gaon call a lererins meeting? Why was there such a buzz at lunch in the Yeshiva Kafeteria? Why If you visit Chelm today, you will find at the site of were the kustodians kleaning and skrubbing to the still existing pothole at the train station a large have the Chelm Yeshiva look spotless like a granite monument inscribed with—Vu der shpitol? barimter redaktor, Fishl fun Der Bay, hot gefaln.



The Chelm Tails & T'filn Co. by Philip Fishl Kutner Everyone was wondering how did the Chelm Talis Chelm Talis & T'filn Comapany & T'filn Co. get listed on the NY Stock Exchange, the world's foremost stock exchange. After all, many At first the Chelm Talis & T'filn Co. was a local shop people in America had never even heard of Chelm. and then a production plant (the shed behind Reb Chaim's shtibl). Then it grew to a small building For years Reb Chaim was living, as they would say, that was the old printing shop for the local paper hand to mouth. He was barely able to feed and and finally a new building at the edge of town. clothe his 13 children. He toiled long hours at the sewing machine making taleysim and then going to As the demand increased geometrically, and the the shed to cut the thongs for the t'filn production kept falling behind the orders, even the new manufacturing plant became too small. At this First he cut the shel-yad leather straps for the hands point, not only were the 13 children employed, but and then the shel-rosh for the head. The shed was all of the extended family and friends—nor yidn. filled with long black leather strips to be part of bar mitsve gifts along with the traditional taleysim. Stock was sold to raise money for the expansion, and then went on the Warsaw Stock Exchange. When Reb Chaim's son, Charvey, came back from Because of the great demand for the products and studying at the yeshiva in Warsaw he brought an the low production costs, the profit margin was iPod with him. This was no ordinary iPod it was a very high. The stock split every week for a month. miniature iPod. In fact it was so tiny that it could fit into the little box of the shel-rosh. One need not be a The IPO (Initial Public Offering) was 1 euro. A rocket scientist to guess what Charvey said. month later it had split 4 times, and was listed at 100 euros. The sky was the limit. Word got out in By programming the haftorah and all the prayers, the international markets that the greatest growth the bar mitsve yingl could be perfect every time. Of stock was not in Hong Kong, Tel Aviv, New York course there was a period of experimentation until or London, but on the Warsaw Exchange. the iPod could be set perfectly in the shel-rosh box. The stock was being bought up in a buying frenzy Charvey then proceeded to suggest that the taleysim that included; Gates, Buffet, Ellison, Walton Trump, should be modernized. The plain white with black Murdoch, and Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud. or blue stripes was boring. What’s needed is some Of course the Prince would not have anyone know colored pictures like tattoos. In fact it was suggested that he purchased a Jewish owned stock, so he had that a talis be personalized for each bar mitsve yingl. it set up in a dummy corporation. If he were interested in a particular sport or board game, they could be embroidered on the talis. While It was at this point that The Chelm Talis & T'filn Co. there are taleysim with scenes of Jerusalem etc. they was listed on the NY Stock Exchange. Sooner or are not personalized. Likewise, the gold trim adds later the balloon had to burst and the stock tumbled color and helps add to the beauty of the talis. back down to a U.S. dollar and even lower. Making a custom-made, embroidered talis and t'filn With the glamour gone The Chelm Talis & T'filn Co. with an iPod inserted in the shel-rosh required a was kicked out of New York, and even Warsaw did completely different method of operation. Much not want the company listed. Reb Chaim was forced more space would be needed and additional help to go back to his shed behind his shtibl and make beyond just the labor of Reb Chaim. the old-fashioned taleysim and t'filn. The help problem was easily solved with 13 However, Reb Chaim still has the papers of the old children. Each child was assigned a task and it was stock, and anyone narish enough can purchase the worthless stock for a 100 dollar donation to Der Bay. fitted into the child's day of school and study. Since there was no work on Saturday, it meant that Reb Chaim is doing this wonderful gesture in Sunday was the day in which most of the work was appreciation for all the free publicity he received done. Batik and silk dying skills were the domain of from Fishl. The stock certificates will probably go the girls, while the boys worked with the leather fast. They will be distributed as long as supplies last. and the electronics. Sorry, Der Bay cannot send any refunds.

Chelm Computer Club Committee Philip Fishl Kutner Chelm had a visitor. He was a computer salesman the synagogue would be out because someone from Lublin. At a meeting of the Chelm Elders he might want to use it on the Sabbath or holy days. made a presentation on why Chelm should have a computer. His argument mentioned the United There was only one place where all would agree—the Nations and how it was possible for third world Chelm Kavehoyz. The coffeehouse was conveniently countries to bypass the 19\" century and go into the located near the train station. Everyone was free to latter half of the 20\" century—so why not Chelm? talk there, and it was open 364 days of the year. The only day it was closed was on the Chelm-Lublin All this sounded logical to the town Chelm Elders; football (soccer) match. Sooner or later every Jew in however it raised many questions. Questions flew town came to the Chelm Kavehoyz. left and right and there was bedlam. Finally Mayer the Mayor said, \"This will get us nowhere. We must Who would learn how to use the computer? have a committee to look into the matter and we must lay out the questions they must ask and get At first it seemed that it was not important, the answers to them. couldn't anyone learn how to use the computer? The salesman had said that even a child can use Because of the nature of the task it was decided that a computer. However, word got out from Hershl the committee must be made up of the greatest talent the horse trader, who had just gotten back from in Chelm. Selected for the Chelm Computer Club the Annual Lublin County Fair, that the best Committee; were Mendel the math teacher because people to learn the computer are the teenagers. computers have numbers, Lena the language teacher because computers have letters, Peshke the postman Reb Ruvn, principal of the Chelm Talmud Torah, because you can send e-mail and Donele the town was asked to select a group of students to learn detective because you do searches on the computer. how to use the Mac that the salesman had sold to the Chelm City Council. It had an operating The committee was charged with researching the system of version 0.1—the salesman had assured following four questions/problems and report back them that it was the latest version. to the Mayor and Council. What would the computer be used for? • Why do we need a computer? • Where would the computer be kept? It's a good question. The salesman said, \"It is used • Who would learn how to use the computer? for searches.\" Immediately the mayor laughed and • What would the computer be used for? said, \"From now on when anyone forgets something, we'll just ask the computer.\" Everyone Why do we need a computer? agreed—that is enough reason to have a computer. This was the simplest question to answer. After all, All went well until Tshepe's mother came to a didn't the computer salesman tell them that the council meeting and told the wise councilmen of Director General of the United Nations said, \"It is Chelm, \"The only searching the computer boys possible for third world countries to bypass the 19th did on the Mac was for computer games and girls. century and go directly into the latter half of the You should excuse me—without any clothes.\" 20th century.\" The Elders looked at each other and no one wanted to admit that maybe the Director Immediately the Chelm City Councilmen voted General of the United Nations could be wrong. Was to shut down the Chelm Kavehoyz, pass an Chelm like a third world country? ordinance outlawing computers and to discard the computer. Where would the computer be kept? If you visit Chelm today, you will find a plaque on This was a moot question, for it was obvious. There the building that housed the Chelm Kavehoyz. was only one place it could be kept. The idea of it The inscription reads, \"Site of the Chelm Kavehoyz being in the Chelm City Hall never even came up. where the Mac computer was located.\" Likewise The possibility of it being kept in the library was you will not find a computer in all of Chelm, for out—the librarian always wanted silence. Of course the ordinance is still on the books.

The Chelm Banking Problem by Philip Fishl Kutner Jews have always been travelers. feed. When this matter was brought to Sheyne, she Even Jews were among the traders on the caravans agreed, but where would the money come to feed to bring spices from the Far East. all the sons Jews had to be peddlers with pushcarts and horse and wagon. Leybish convinced her that it was like going to Jews were forced into specific trades to eke out a America—that in Chelm, the Chelmer pockets were living, for they often were not permitted to live, or filled with gold. And so the next morning Leybish visit certain areas or even restricted from some took his small satchel of clothes and a few hard- occupations. boiled eggs for lunch and set out for Lublin and then to Chelm. No person or area is an island unto itself. Everyday discoveries are made. We need not tell now all of the adventures and Sooner or later it had to happen. misfortunes that befell Leybish on his journey, but Word reached metropolitan Lublin and Warsaw by the time he arrived in Chelm, his satchel and that there was, in the hinterland on the banks of the most of his clothes had long since been lost or Uherka River (a tributary of the Bug River) a shtetl stolen. However, he managed to send a letter home of simple folks—fools. The women would buy all every week about his experieces—the travels and kinds of shiny trinkets, and the men would pay any the tribulations he encountered. price to please their wives. It was ripe for picking. As soon as Leybish, The Warsaw Stranger, arrived In Warsaw there was a young man Lamed Leybish in town, he aroused much interest by his stories of Luftmentsh (everyone called him Leybish) who how he would make everyone rich by opening a had a great scheme. When he heard about the bank. distant Chelm, he concocted a plan to form a bank and have all of the Chelmers deposit their money When the matter was brought to the Chelmer in the bank and he instantly would become rich. Rabbi, he said, “It is not a matter for me, but for the Shtetl Council.” His first problem was that he had no money to start his bank. His plan was to sell shares in the bank So the Shtetl Council convened a special meeting, that he would call The First Shtetl Bank of Chelm. and Leybish was asked to present his proposal to That sounded impressive and he was able to make everyone prosperous. Leybish’s convincing convince friends and family that this time he had a reasoning was that, “All big towns have a bank and good idea. all banks have money. So if Chelm had a bank, and all the Chelmers put their money in the bank, Another problem was that his wife, Sheyne, Chelm and all the Chelmers would be rich.” wanted to stay in Warsaw until all their sons had training for their bar mitzvahs. When the couple It was not long before all of the money in Chelm was first married, she lived up to her name, but was deposited with Leybish, and there was much after years of childbearing and childrearing, most rejoicing. of the bloom was lost from the blossom. Leybish told them that the way a bank gets even Leybish became a father every two years. Even more money is to invest it. So off he went to though his wife was already just past forty, she was Warsaw to earn interest upon interest. still bringing sons into the world. In fact at the time this story takes place, she was shortly ready to give However, sadly he never reached Warsaw, for birth again. robbers stopped the wagon and stole all of the Chelmers’ money. Whenever he brought up the subject that maybe Sheyne should stop having children, the reply was, To this day Sheyne is still waiting for Leybish to “He willed it, and who were they to question return. His sons have all had their Bar Mitzvahs, Him.” been married and have sons of their own, but Sheyne still is waiting for Leybish to return. It occurred to Leybish that if he would go to Chelm for three years, He would look with favor at Meanwhile the Chelmers keep writing to Sheyne Sheyne, and they would not have another mouth to asking when Leybish will return with their money.



The Chelm vs. Lublin Wagon Race By Philip Fishl Kutner Quite some time ago the champion Lublin Loggers When the week passed, the team of four Chelmers sent a courier to Hymie the captain of the Chelm met with the entire group. After much discussion a Wagon Wheelers (CWW). The letter was full of game plan was developed. It was decided that they snide remarks about the manhood of the CWW lost because Lubliners had 3 men pulling the wagon bokhers, and included a challenge for a 4-man and one man in the wagon holding the reins. The wagon-pulling race. The letter stated that the Lublin Chelmers had just the opposite—3 men sat in the courier would remain in Chelm until a reply was wagon—one holding the reins, a second blowing the forthcoming. It further stated that their courier bugel and a third playing the drum. would personally take the response, for the Chelmer courier probably could not find Lublin. The game plan did away with the musical instruments, for it added weight and it meant that According to the Chief Archivist of the Chelm the puller could lighten the load and move faster. Courier, many years ago, a Lublin wagon pulling However this raised a problem, what would the team had trounced a team from Chelm. The loss was Musicians do in the wagon? It was decided that the so heart-wrenching that Chelm never accepted the bugeler would urge on the puller by repeating the challenge again. After many years, the invitations rhyme; stopped coming, and it was lost in the memories of the elder Chelm sages—that is, until now. Khap, Khap, Khap, Klipity Klops Chelm is on top and Lublin Flops The letter was read at the following meeting of the CWW, and the idea that anyone would insult their The question was raised about what to do with the manhood and that Chaim their courier could not drummer. After much brainstorming the decision find Lublin was too much to swallow. A letter was was reached to have him face backwards to see how dictated and sent with the Lublin courier to Louie far the Lublin wagon was behind and let the Chelm the Lublin Loggers’ chief Lieutenant. In essence it team know if the enemy was catching up. accepted the challenge with the contest to be held at the upcoming Annual Lublin Fair. The choice was A week before the race, Chelm held a pre-victory made to embarrass the Loggers on their own home party. The entire town came out to celebrate and grounds. urge their contestants to come home as winners. Both clubs selected their respective teams and began Early the next morning the team started the 70 a regimen of a strict nutritious diet. The CWW kilometer trek to Lublin. It was decided that they bokhers ate bowlfuls of golden chicken soup with would use the six days as a toughening period and kreplekh to build up stamina for the grueling event that instead of having a team of horsed pull the of a kilometer. In addition physical conditioning wagon that their human team would do the pulling. took up several hours every day. They alternated Because of the rainy season and the many deep ruts, upper body exercises of weightlifting and the plan was to cover 10 kilometers a day. cardiovascular exercises of Jumping Yankls and skipping rope. On the day of the race The CWW team was still 10 kilometers away and they forfeited the race. It was a As the weeks passed, the CWW bokhers became humiliation that they could not face. How could very physically fit, and they were sure that the they go back to Chelm and tell them that the Chelm match would be an easy victory and the Lublin team had once again been defeated by the Lubliners. Loggers would be greatly humiliated in their own city. However, no effort was made to account for the According to the story in the Lublin Ledger the mental/psychological aspect of the grueling race. CWW team was jeered all their way through Lublin. It was said that they kept on going and ended up in Despite the Chelmers best effort, they lost the Bialystok—never to return Chelm. kilometer long race by over 100 meters. On the way home all four Chelmer racers were very quiet and If you visit Bialystok today, you will find that there upset. It was decided to take a week off and then to is a story about fools arriving from Chelm and were meet and decide on a strategy for a face-saving married off to four old maids who could not find rematch. There was no doubt that, with adjustments anyone who would marry them. The story further to the team effort, CWW bokhers would be relates that the four couples were sent to America victorious and have a face-saving experience. and all became multi-millionaires.

Discovery of The Book of Chelm by Philip Fishl Kutner On an upper bookshelf in the last stack in the old So, what did it say? What is the bottom line? How Chelm Public Library was a thick, dust-covered was Chelm founded? Who were the original settlers book. Its black cover had long since faded and the of Chelm? Why is Chelm known as the City of Fools? edges of the acid paper pages were turning brown. All of these questions were addressed and answered at the conference by these internationally renowned It was this book that caught the eye of Nar the Yiddish scholars.. Narrator, one of Our Yiddish Club members from Yenemsville on our trip to visit Chelm, Poland. When Der Bay received an early copy of the proceedings, he asked the Chelm librarian if he could check out and a concise summary of the conclusions was the book, she answered, “You can keep it—no one published. Needless to say, the answers to each of the has ever taken it off the shelf.” questions would require a full chapter in itself. Here is a very, very brief summary to the answers as they It was only after returning home, and taking the book appeared in the report. to an antiquarian dealer, that he learned it was The Book of Chelm. The only way that the brittle pages How was Chelm founded? could be turned was to place a thin spatula between the sheets and inserting a clear plastic sheet between Chelm was the original site of the Garden of Eden the brittle sheets. It was decided to make copies of founded by God herself. It was chosen because of its these protected pages and never turn them again. solitude and beauty. Because the original settlers of Chelm were evicted from the Garden of Eden, it was At this point we must leave the story for an vacant for millennia. Then wandering bands of Jews explanation of the historic significance of the book’s wishing to escape from attacks by Mongolian Huns discovery. Readers who know about the Book of sought refuge in the bucolic environs of Chelm. Mormons (an account written by the hand of Mormon upon plates taken from the plates of Nephi) have an Who were the original settlers of Chelm? idea of the similarity and nature to The Book of Chelm. The wandering bands of Jews who first inhabited Joseph Smith found the Gold Tablets in a field. The Chelm were the Lost Tribes of Israel. They were book recounts the history and is the basis of the called the Lost Tribes of Israel because they lost their Mormon belief. Likewise The Book of Chelm recounts way in their journey after leaving the Promised Land. the start of Chelm and how it was populated. The Because they were lost, we would call them losers. story about an angel dropping baby fools in one spot (Chelm) is totally incorrect according to the account Why is Chelm, known as the City of Fools? meticulously recounted in The Book of Chelm. Fools do foolish things. People who do foolish things A quick look at the date 1344 and the handwritten are known as fools. The Lost Tribes of Israel got lost pages in old medieval Yiddish made the book totally because they did foolish things. All they had to do uninteresting to the Chelm scholars. It was only was to follow the stars, just as a mariner does at sea. Nar’s discovery that gave the Yiddish scholars of the Unfortunately they did not and got lost. In their world access to the greatest Jewish discovery since wanderings they finally were so tired that they the discovery of the ancient scrolls in a cave in Israel. decided not to go any further. Would you believe they ended their long journey in what now is Chelm. Scholars from Hebrew University, Tel Aviv University, Bar Ilan University, Vilnius University The Elders of the tribes knew that some day, many and Oxford University came to Nar’s home to look at years in the future, that the question would be raised, the copies Nar made of The Book of Chelm. Each “What happened to the Lost Tribes of Israel?” It was maven read, transcribed and translated the tome. decided to write The Book of Chelm YIVO convened a conference (attendance by Copies of The Book of Chelm may be borrowed, by invitation only) of the world’s top Yiddish scholars. readers of Der Bay, from the Yenemsville Yiddish Papers were presented at plenary sessions and a Public Library. The original was copied by scribes. vigorous debate ensued about the premises and Requests must be sent to Oystsugn fun briv in der conclusions drawn by each presenter. After much redaksye (Excerpts from Letters to the Editor) in care debate and compromise it was decided to release a of the editor. It will be published and the request will final version of the translation of The Book of Chelm. be forwarded to the Yenemsville librarian.

How Chelm Really Was Created by Philip Fishl Kutner Angels dropping babies, storks dropping fools— “What should I leave?” he asked his grandfather. those only can be stories for little children with But at that moment the grandfather began to fade keen imaginations. This is the real world. As a away. Immediately the very wealthy landowner grown-up, wouldn’t you really like to know the reached out to grab his grandfather, and at that truth how Chelm came to be? Here is the truth as it moment he awoke from his dream. His grandfather was told to my maternal grandmother’s, maternal had disappeared, but on the palm of the very grandmother’s paternal grandfather. wealthy landowner’s right hand was written— C r e a t e T h e S e c o n d G a r d e n o f E d e n. This real story of how Chelm really was created was passed on by the next greatest storyteller of all The Start of Chelm time to his daughter, to her daughter un azoy vayter. Not a single word has been changed in all Early the next morning he had his stagecoach of these generations. I tell it to you exactly as my prepared and se out to find the location where the mother told it to me when I was a very young T h e S e c o n d G a r d e n o f E d e n would be child. located. Late in the afternoon of the second day finished came upon the site of where Chelm is Since this is the very first time it has appeared in today. He immediately knew that this was the print, it has profound historical and cultural place that his grandfather had told him about in the significance, not only to Jews all over the world, dream. Stakes were placed in the ground and but to cultural anthropologists who are concerned markers were put on trees to let anyone passing by with the origin of mores and folkways of emerging know that this now was the property of the very communities. wealthy landowner. The actual time has been lost in antiquity. We know After returning to his estate messengers were sent it is so old that even the eldest of the Chelm Elders out to find the best city planners, the most creative could tell you, but they will swear to this day to the architects and artisans to plan, design and finally to complete accuracy of this account as it is related build T h e S e c o n d G a r d e n o f E d e n. here. When all the streets had been laid out, all the Here is the story in its entirety as it was told to me. homes built, the Great Synagogue erected, the yeshiva and mikve finished, the central In the Beginning marketplace laid out and the City Hall was about to be dedicated, a problem arose—what shall we Not far from the very site of Chelm today was a name T h e S e c o n d G a r d e n o f E d e n ? very wealthy landowner. His family name, his age, his appearance, the nature of his vast estate, the How Chlem Was Named origin of his vast wealth has long since been lost. All that is left today is the role he played in how The above question was asked by the youngest son Chelm was created. of the very wealthy landowner. This startled the very wealthy landowner, just as he was ready to It seems that it all started one night when very Moses the City Hall with a bottle of Manishvitz wealthy landowner had a dream. In the dream an wine. angel appeared in a message directly from Him. What follows, is the dream and the message. “I know,” said the youngest son of the very wealthy landowner. “Since you had the idea in a The very wealthy landowner sat under a huge kholem, let’s call the town CHELM!” Everyone shade tree on a stifling hot night and eventually fell thought that it was the perfect name. asleep. In his dream he dreamed of having a dream. This is what he dreamed he dreamed. If you visit Chelm today, you will notice that it is still called Chelm and all the people there are called The very wealthy landowner actually saw his great Chelmers, Chelmites or Chelmians—never Fools. grandfather appear out of the darkness and told him that the very wealthy landowner should leave What was it that you just asked, “Where did the something so that for all eternity everyone would original fools come from who inhabited Chelm?” remember the very wealthy landowner. Ah, dear reader, that is the theme of another story.

Chelm’s Bill of Rights by Philip Fishl Kutner Who found the Chelm Bill of Rights? Where was it When this highly unorthodox set of rules was read found? Who wrote it? What did it say? What at the archaeological conference, not only was there impact did it have on the good citizens of Chelm— a stir of utter amazement, but it immediately was and to the rest of the world? headline news in the newspapers and television internationally. It became the center of conversation The lead researcher who discovered the Chelm Bill at scientific meetings, sisterhood meetings and in of Rights presented a paper at the Annual taverns. Conference of the International Association of Archaeologists. Prof. Nakhum Noitall Department • Archeo-paleontologists wanted the documents to Chairman of the Obscure Archaeology Department be Carbon 14 tested to determine its age. at University College, London gave the presentation, and it had the greatest attendance • Handwriting experts wanted to analyze the writing and media coverage of any of the sessions at the to determine the personality of the writer. conference. • Bankers wanted to bid on them as an investment The team of archaeologists, that Prof. Noitall led, instrument. consisted of internationally recognized researchers from around the world. The discovery was made in • The great museums of the world called to have a passage heretofore overlooked in the chalk mines them on exhibit. under the City of Chelm, Poland. • Theologians wanted to analyze them for possible There was a note attached that read: “I am making changes in their dogma. this document, for I am not sure that Adam, Eve and the Snake will follow my commands. If it is • Children, women and lovers regaled in their new- necessary for Me to banish them from the Garden, found acceptance and roles. then this place will be the Heaven on Earth that the Garden was supposed to be. If this should occur, • The media had a field day, for it meant that then the wonderful people who inhabit this Garden everyone wanted to know what others were saying. will have another set of commands, for they will be unique inhabitants.” As for the Chelmers, at first they were oblivious to the notoriety. Then at a meeting of the city elders, the The documents found included: matter came up for serious discussions. Rebe Ruvn was quite distraught. He saw this as undermining his • The Declaration of Dependence authority. However, one of the invited women said • The Commandments “Everyone knows that the women are the boss at • The Chelm Bill of Rights home in the bedroom, and the men outside of the home where it counts.” All shook their heads in Just as the United States Bill of Rights is a list of agreement. amendments to the Constitution, so is the Chelm Bill of Rights a list of amendments to the She continued and said, ”In Chelm the only kind of Commandments. Jews we have are God-fearing, law abiding citizens— not the other kinds, so we can treat everyone alike.” The Chelm Bill of Rights Again there was nodding throughout the room and complete agreement. • Thou shalt have fun and laughter. • Thou shalt play games all the days of your life “As far as those men who like other men, all men in • Thou shalt love thy children Chelm get married. If men like men, then they don’t • Thou shalt teach your children to be happy. hate men and everyone gets along well—that’s got to • Thou shalt consider thy wife as an equal be very good.” Thus the Chelm Bill of Rights made • Thou shalt not demean Conservative, Reform, Chelm a better place to live. Reconstructionist, Humanist or Secular Jews. This happy situation was not the case for the rest of • Thou shalt not chew gum during services. the world—the ultra fanatical type. It meant that the • Thou shalt not use idle chatter during services. power and hate, that fanatics wielded, would be • Thou shalt not denigrate the rebetsin. diminished. A ray of hope spread over womankind. • Thou shalt not hate him who loves another man.

Why Chelm Needed a Navy By Philip Fishl Kutner It all began with a visit from America. Some of our It was decided that only good swimmers would readers may recall that the Yenemsville Yiddish be permitted to join the Chelm Navy. To select the Club U.S.A. visited Chelm to research their officers it was decide to have a swimming race genealogical heritage. While there, they told the across the? River. The fastest swimmers would be Chelmers all about the great inventions of the 19th the officers and to be a crewmember one had to century. swim across and back without resting—after all the Atlantic Ocean is very, very wide and … After the Yiddish club left, it was decided that the newly founded Chelm Chamber of Commerce On the day the bokhers were tested another test needed to promote visitation from Amerike to was given. It was to determine the admiral of the Chelm. This required products that everyone fleet. The fact that there would be only a single would associate with Chelm, and thus was boat/ship, in the beginning, did not deter Chelm founded the Chelm Chreyn un Charoses Company. from selecting an admiral. The question was, how What has this to do with Chelm needing to have a do you decide from among all the Chelmer naval navy? Good reader, wait, it will all enfold in good officers who would be their leader? time. Many suggestions wee made and tried, but none That part was easy. The women of Chelm were of the “sailors” who had passed the qualifying test great balebostes and making the chreyn un was able to pass the new tests. Finally everyone charoses was the easy part. They had learned the agreed on a single contest to choose the one with art from their mothers who had learned it from the best credentials to lead the new Chelm Navy. their mothers. Since these two food products are seasonal, the local market was soon exhausted. Since the “officers” were the best swimmers, the contest was limited to the “officers”. Since the At a hastily called meeting of the Chelm Chamber selection was based on the best swimmers, the of Commerce, one of the entrepreneurs recalled endurance factor was very important. Everyone hearing that when you produce too many goods knows that swimmers sometimes swallow water. locally, it needs to be shipped elsewhere. It never Therefore the one who could swallow the most occurred to them to use the freight train that water would be the admiral. stopped daily at the Chelm Train Station. After all if you wanted to ship something—don’t you have It was not that simple. The fact was brought out to ship it by ship? that if you drink a lot of water, you must void the water. Since voiding the water in the sea would Luckily the Uherka River goes by the Chelm knolls make the Atlantic Ocean unfit to swim. Thus the and it leads to the Bug River which leads to the winner would be the contestant who could drink Baltic Sea and to the Atlantic Ocean. the most water in an hour and not void any. Before the ship could be built, there had to be a Imagine the laughter that erupted when contestant naval yard. Nachum had a skiff that he used to after contestant stopped drinking and quickly ran ferry farmers across the Uherka River. He had built to the Chelm Community Outhouse (CCO). Since his ferryboat/raft by tying together planks until it no author has ever written about the CCO. Let us was big enough to carry a whole wagonload of digress a moment to tell you that it was the pride people plus the horses needed to pull the wagon. and joy of Chelm. Chelmers always plan ahead. After all why meet Only the Chelm Synagogue was more ornate than problems the last minute when they could be the CCO that was located next to the Chelm Mikve. solved beforehand? One of the minor problems was The reason given is that visitors to Chelm would who was going to sail the ship across to Amerike? use the CCO. These travelers would go home and tell everyone about the magnificent CCO. Naturally sailors need to be ready in case, God forbid, the ship would hit an iceberg and sink. So Chelm has a navy and one boat/ship. If any of Thus sailors had to know how to swim. Luckily the Der Bay readers visits Chelm and its CCO, your all the boys in chelm would swim in the river even editor would appreciate a detailed description with after the spring rains turned the water into a fast architectural drawings of the stately edifice and its running, muddy current. luxurious accommodations.

Chelm Copyright Code (CCC) By Philip Fishl Kutner News of the long lost code was spread across all of Each country has its own copyright code. In fact we the many international networks. It was in bold even have the © symbol to denote that a book, story, print in all of the headlines and in all of the major article, etc. has been copyrighted. Even this rule of newspaper. Television commentators spoke of it for international law is not always followed. Rogue days upon days. nations have turned an eye in cases of mass production of musical CDs, videos and cassettes. This long lost paper was found in a time capsule deep in the chalk caves under Chelm. Along with it Well, after many years of thought, discussion and was a clear explanation of the code and why this debate, representatives came to Chelm, and at the location was chosen. The finders were the lead tribunal each representative presented the findings members of a Yiddish-speaking, spelunking club of his/her regional symposium. It soon became from Yenemsville, U.S.A. apparent that there were two camps with opposite philosophies. Thus read the accompanying document, “We the higherarchy of this first ever Sanhedrin can see far, The Do-Good, God-Fearers felt that if that’s far into the future. We see a world of foolishness: the way God wanted it, it was good enough for them—all copyrights should be removed • where man will turn against man without any Grandfather Clause included. • where man will become very selfish. • where families will be disrupted The Evil, Rogues felt that authors, publishers • where mothers or fathers will leave their children lyricists, as well as printers would not create or • where a few will amass great wealth publish new material, for it would affect their • where there will be no concern for the masses ability to amass wealth. • where man will fight against man • where disease will be rampant What first appeared as an insurmountable obstacle, • where nations will die of starvation proved no match for these tribunal judges who were • where people will not obey His Commandments. the Sages of Chelm. It is common knowledge in Chelm that these pious men daven in he morning as So we have created the Chelm Copyright Code.” well as the afternoon and evening. “We declare that God has given the Commandments, It is during this time that creativity occurs. Since no and he did not copyright them. Who gave man or man is permitted to speak about mundane matters woman the right to say that his or word is more during prayer, the wives soon learned that it was important than God’s word? Therefore we decree the the best time to make requests and to give opinions. Chelm Copyright Code that states, “NO PERSON Since no man ever responded during prayers, the SHALL HAVE THE SOLE RIGHTS TO ANY STORY, wives assumed that the husband consented to the PLAY, POEM, SONG OR ARTICLE.” request. Rarely did he shake his head from to and fro as his body shukled up and down. The International Yiddish Community decided that this was too important a matter to be handled It was in the household of the Chief Sage of Chelm lightly. In fact the matter was immediately brought that a resolution to this international dilemma was before the United Nations General Assembly. All first promulgated. It was Kluge Ketsele, the wife of other debate ceased. Even the Security Council Chief Sage of Chelm who spoke the words that were placed this priority above Iran’s nuclear arms race, the basis for the resolution confronting the nations the North Korean problem, the Palestinian issue and of the world. Here is what she said, “Why not give world terrorism. each side exactly what they want?” The decision was reached that The Code must have This bit of brilliant wisdom caught the Chief Sage great thought, discussion and debate. It was too of Chelm off-guard and he stopped shukling and smiled at Kluge Ketsele. How could it be otherwise? important a matter for just a few representatives at She filled in the game plan after the prayers were the U.N. What was needed was to have regional completed. “Let’s charge twice as much for each item. Half will go as in the past and the other half symposia and a representative from each of the symposia would come to Chelm and give a report. will go to the needy, and it will be a mitsve.’ So Then the wisest judges of Chelm’s sages would ended the problem of the Chelm Copyright Code. render a decision.

The Famous Chelm Get Case by Philip Fishl Kutner A get is a Jewish religious divorce. Like everywhere second marriage and the children would be else sometimes a divorce is needed to satisfy one or considered mamzeyrim. Of course the ketubah stated both partners in a marriage. It was no different in that the wife would not be entitled to the return of Chelm. So, tell me, why was the Chelm Get Case so her dowry if she: famous? After all Jews have been getting gets for centuries. There had to be some something special • gossiped because the landmark decision has been quoted • was not tidy from Israel to Los Angeles, from Stockholm to Cape • used foul language Town, South Africa and Melbourne, Australia. • committed adultery. • did not go to the mikve. First, you should understand how the get works • did not cook tasty meals. and what is a ketubah. A get is a legal document by • did not keep the house clean. which a man can divorce his wife. It is given at a • could not conceive in two years. rabbinical court. All that the husband needs to do • refused to keep a kosher kitchen. is throw the get at the feet of his wife. She cannot • spoke evil of the husband’s family. initiate a get—yes, only the husband can. • did not wash her husband’s clothes. • dressed improperly (did not wear a shaytl). The ketubah is the official document of marriage. • did not care for the chickens, ducks and geese. It is the Jewish religious marriage contract. It is signed by the couple, officiating rabbi and by a According to reputable witnesses at the hearing the witness. wife is quoted as saying, “I was a virgin when we were married and I want my virginity back. Since Let us immediately go to the famous case that my husband took my virginity, therefore it is his precipitated the whole matter. It was number alef, responsibility—he must return it.” beys, veys on the court docket, but since the start it has been shortened by the press and TV, and called Because of the difficulty in the case, and Der Bay’s the gey veys case. desire to help the wife in her hour of need, Der Bay is offering a 100-ruble reward in cash in czarist The husband was a very wealthy merchant who rubles. If you have located the lost item, or have was away for long stretches of time on business. information leading to its discovery and recovery, His vast fortune was accrued from trading in spices please immediately contact Der Bay. Your name, from the Orient. Since the distance is great, we can address, phone number, e-mail address, social understand why he was away for such long security number, place of employment, bank PIN periods at a time. number and your mother’s maiden name all will be published in Der Bay. You will receive the koved in Being a man of the flesh, he soon desired female the press that you fully have earned. companionship. On one trip he stopped in Vienna, and happened to meet a young woman at a kave To this very day no one has received the reward hoyz. She used her feminine guiles and quickly and the marriage has never been severed because captivated his attention. Upon his return to Chelm the terms of the ketubah could not be met and the he decided to give his wife a get and marry this get has not been sanctioned. The husband is still voluptuous damsel of his dreams. going on his travels to the Orient, but he never stops in Vienna. It would be too painful for him to When the matter was brought before the Court be there and not see his beloved. of Wise Rabbis of Chelm, it became clear that the wife was not a foolish woman and also was very If any legal minds among the readers can assist or learned. She was knowledgeable about secular if anyone with a metal detector can locate the wife’s Polish Marriage Law in addition to knowing the virginity, everyone would be happy. The wife is many rules of Jewish Marriage Law. not in a position to enter into a desirable new marriage without her virginity and the husband The wife’s defense dealt with fulfilling the terms of cannot marry his damsel of his dreams. The lovely the ketubah. It clearly stated in the ketubah that if the lady in pining away hoping some day that her husband institutes a get, the wife is to receive back wealthy lover will return, marry her and live ALL things that she brought to the marriage. happily ever after. Thus the husband the wife and Without a legal get the wife could not enter into a the damsel are all sad.

Chelm Has a Duel by Philip Fishl Kutner Jews fighting among themselves—who ever heard courtyard was packed with townspeople and of such a thing? Questioning, disagreeing, arguing reporters from the Chelmer Chadoshnik and the debating, raising one’s voice, questioning the Lubliner Linke. legality of your birth all are part of Jewish culture. But to raise your hand and strike another Jew, that At the Gaon’s Court just does not happen—especially in Chelm. So how is it possible that Chelm had a duel? Inside, the matter before the Gaon proceeded in an orderly and gentile manner. Being in the presence Actually the confrontation occurred between two of this great man had a calming effect on those at wagon masters, one a Lubliner and the other a the session. Chelmer. It all began one spring day on the two- lane highway between Chelm and Lublin. I say After each side eloquently elaborated on the merits highway, but it actually was a deeply rutted, dirt of their case, the Gaon asked for a glass of shnaps, road. In the springtime the higher side of the cleared his throat and began reciting his decision in highway was barely passable, but the lower side a sing-song manner. was completely out of the question. Whereas each of the two parties feels he is right, It seems that the weekly stagecoaches met midway whereas the honor of each city is at stake, a duel is between the two cities at a particularly muddy and a befitting way to settle the matter. However, rutty location. Immediately the two wagon-masters whereas there is a discrepancy in the size and got down, and as they walked toward each other, strength of each party, the duel must be fair. they shouted for the other to back up—all the way Whereas the two men are bible-reading men, then to their hometowns. the bible duel of slingshots will be used. Whereas the stronger and heavier man has an advantage, Naturally neither one was willing to accommodate there needs to be a balance on the size of the the other. They argued so long that the sun finally slingshot. The stronger man will have a small came out, the water receded and the other lane of slingshot and the weaker man a large slingshot. the road became passable. However, this is only the The Gaon ended by saying that his men would beginning of the story. Both wagon-masters felt bring the slingshots and missiles to the battle-site. they had to uphold the honor of their city. They The date set was January 9, 1919--191919. agreed that only a duel to the death would salve the honor of their respective hometowns. The day arrived, and the weather was cold and damp. It was at the exact spot of the confrontation After much further conversations between the two on the Lublin-Chelm Highway. Each combatant men, their seconds and even their thirds, it was was dressed warmly and awaited the arrival of the decide to leave the details to the Chelmer Gaon, the Gaon’s coach with the weapons. acknowledged wisest rabbi in all of Europe, if not in the whole Jewish world. Shortly the coach arrived. The slings and slingshots were given to the two men and they were told to Before we go further, you must hear a little about face back-to-back, wait for the signal, take 10 paces, the 2 would-be duelers. And what they expected of turn and stretch their sling and let the slingshot go. the Chelmer Gaon. The Gaon gave the Lubliner a small sling knowing The Lubliner came from a dynasty of wagon- that the stretch would break the sling and the shot masters going back many generations. He was 6’6” would not be propelled. On the other side, the tall, built as strong as a wine barrel and weighed Gaon gave the weaker man such a heavy slingshot 260 pounds. The Chelmer was 5’5”, a full foot that he could not stretch the sling. When both shorter, and weighed almost 140 pounds. He had wagon-masters realized the folly of the situation been a yeshive bokher, but was not adept at his they ran towards each other and embraced. studies. His father apprenticed him to an older Chelmer wagon-master. Today, if any of Der Bay’s readers visit the site of the Chelm-Lublin duel, they will find that this two- Word soon spread about the confrontation and the lane highway has been paved. There is an inn and a upcoming meeting with the Chelmer Gaon. The plaque with the date and names of the combatants. day of the meeting arrived, and the Gaon’s Please write us of your visit there.

Chelm’s Model Jail by Philip Fishl Kutner Criminologists from many countries came to present for a minyan. Soon the only daily place to Chelm to learn about an innovative method of say Kadish was at the Chelm jail. Even for those rehabilitation. Because the standard punishment who came only once a year, it definitely was for breaking laws has been incarceration without appreciated. rehabilitation, the rate of recidivism has been high. Even in the United States it costs more to house a • Since each repentant had to do community criminal than it does to educate him. service, the inmates would chop wood for the poor, carry water, and take care of the livestock. Thus the How Chelm Came to Have a Jail poor, elderly and sick were not a burden on the shtetl. In the process the criminal developed Jews lived quietly in the small sleepy shtetl of compassion and new skills. Chelm for centuries. As bible-fearing people, transgressions were rare. When they did occur, the • Perhaps one of the most novel areas of wise rabbi quoting scriptures, made wise decisions. rehabilitation was a method by which the inmate However, as time went by and strangers came to could pay back the debt to society. Because of the town with word of the outside world, the number poor medical facilities, Chelm had a high mortality of sins increased. It was then that a new form of during childbirth and the men died from infections. punishment was needed. The old “Eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth” left too many disabled The novel approach was for a widower to go to the Chelmers who became a burden on the shtetl. The jail and select a stepmother for his children. As wise sages of Chelm decided that a jail would be long as she tended to the needs of the children and necessary to punish the offenders, but it would the personal needs of the widower, she remained have to be a place where the criminal would leave free. On the other side a widow came to the jail to rehabilitated and would be doing community select a stepfather for her children. Often she had a service. small business and he had to be helpful and do his share of bringing in income to support the family. The Nature of the Jail In both cases parents with children are not as desirable as single men or virgins, and this helped No bars or locked doors would exist in the jail. alleviate the problem of single parents. Inmates would live inside and sign out when they left and sign in upon return. Since Chelm is the • One of the top advantages of the Chelm jail came closest place to the Garden of Eden, no one would with its utilization as a reformatory for juvenile want to leave the shtetl. If someone did not return, offenders. By having the children mixed in with the the word was out and the person soon came back. same-sex adults made for a comfortable home-like environment. The elders acted as a stabilizing effect Accommodations were simple but more than on the youngsters. It gave the elders a feeling of adequate. The men and boys had their own section importance and made them act as better role and the women’s and girls’ dormitories were on models. the upper floor. The women did the normal household chores and the men did the repairs, Youthful offenders are given the opportunity to gardening and took care of the livestock. continue their religious studies full time. If not, they accompany an elder on the rounds of Part of each day was set aside for study and the community service. They are apprenticed and learn illiterate soon learned to read and glowed in their a trade. The only way they can be released is for new knowledge. their families to accept them back, or for them to mature and eventually be married to a widow or Benefits to Chelm widower. • Little by little Chelm began to reap the rewards of In recognition of Der Bay’s positive publicity of the this innovative means of incarcerating its sinners. Chelm Jail, Chaim, the Chelm Commissioner of Since services were held every day to help atone for Corrections has sent a Chelm Citation to show its their sins, there always was a minyan. Yes, the big appreciation. Furthermore, any reader of Der Bay shul was overflowing on the High Holidays and will be warmly welcomed and receive a guided was full Friday nights and Saturday mornings, but tour of this internationally renowned model house during the week there often was not enough men of correction.

Khlavne, Chelm’s Famed Clarinetist by Philip Fishl Kutner It all began with a challenge from the Lublin Shofar hen cackling a duck quacking and even a snake Blowers Association. A Chelmer once mentioned hissing. that the Chelmer Shofar Blowers are much better than their Lublin counterparts. Since the contest As Khlavne grew into a young man, he also started never actually did take place, we do not know to to learn to play the clarinet. He could make the this very day whether this statement is true or false. clarinet sound like a shofar and the shofar to sound However it did lead to another story and a series of like a clarinet. Since the clarinet is the events. quintessential klezmer musical instrument, it was not long before his interest turned to klezmer In Chelm undoubtedly the best shofar blower was music. Simkhe the Shames. He was the fourth in an unbroken line of superior shofar blowers. His He was compared to Giora Feidman. It was not ability to make his shofar wail and croon was like a long before Khlavne formed his own band, the crane in the marsh. He could trill and do magic Khlavne Chelm Kvortet. His fame spread far and with his shofar. wide beyond the borders of Poland, and there was a rumor that his group might be invited to a future Just as was being done in shuls all over the world KlezKamp. on Rosh Hashanah, Simkhe replicated the age-old sequence of the three sounds of the traditional When you next have a mitsve—a wedding or shofar blowing: bar/bat mitsve seriously consider having Khlavne and his group play for you. Your event will be one Tekiah -- One long powerful blast. It proclaims that to remember. God is our mighty ruler. Khlavne has produced three CDs: Shevarim -- Three medium blasts. It is our individual promise to do our best in the coming Sounds of the Chelm Shtetl—Replications of daily year. activites of Chelmer men women and children. Teruah -- Nine short rapid blasts. It is our Love Songs of the Birds—The beautiful avian reawakening to the call for the New Year. sounds of the forest are reproduced on the shofar and accompanied by the other members Simkhe’s son, Khlavne, sat on his father’s knee and of the kvortet. marveled at the beautiful tones that came out of his father’s musical instrument. As Khlavne grew Shofar in the Shul—The traditional trilogy of older, Simkhe placed the shofar to his son’s mouth, Rosh Hashanah shofar blowing. The long and it made funny sounds. single blast is ear shattering and seems endless. The 3 medium blasts sends shivers up When Khlavne was only five, he received his first and down your spine. The 9 blasts gets you out miniature shofar for a gift. Just as a young athlete of your chair in a hair-rising finale. walks around with a piece of athletic equipment so that it actually feels as a part of his arm, so did There is a special rate for major vendors purchasing Khlavne carry his shofar around all day long. multiple copies. Individual copies may be had by Wherever Khlavne went, his shofar went along. sending 12 kopeks (cash only) to Khlavne Associates, c/o the Chelm Recording Studio, Khlavne did not try to imitate the traditional Narishkayt, NY 10016-0011 sounds for the High Holidays. Unlike his father Khlavne changed the pitch and tone until the This includes labeling, packing, shipping and sounds were unlike any that had ever been heard handling. You also will receive an autographed from a shofar. picture of Khlavne when he was a little boy sitting on his father’s lap. It is a wonderful memento to Khlavne went into the woods and visited the hang in your den. outlying farms. Everywhere he roamed, he tried to replicate the sounds of the animals and insects. Contributions also will be accepted for the lost Soon his shofar could sound like a lamb bahing, a children of the Chelm Foundling Asylum. Please calf mooing, a colt neighing, a rooster crowing, a earmark these funds separately.

Chelm Gets Electricity By Philip Fishl Kutner Politicians make promises—sometimes they even To get the electricity from Lublin they would use a keep them! foot wide extension cord. The cord would lie on the ground except where it crossed a road, and there it It all began in a hotly contested mayoral race in would be snaked underground. Where it crossed Chelm. At a town hall debate, Gershon the leading the river, it would be laid like the Trans-Atlantic candidate for the conservative Gor Frum Party Cable. promised that if he were elected that there would be a brilliant light bulb in every kitchen in all of Meanwhile the conversations all over Chelm was Chelm. It would not be an ordinary light bulb, but about the new luxury that would be in every a very special one. household from Grober Gimpel, the wealthiest grain dealer, down to the humblest cobbler, Simon It has been reported that upon being challenged as the Shuster. Each and every Chelm family would to the kind of light bulb, Gershon said that it would be treated equally. be a CIRCLE, (Chelm Infra Red Light Emitter). It would be have an incandescent glow for reading so Instead of smoky kerosene lanterns there would be that the men and boys could use it for studying. the smokeless electric light bulbs that could be Then in very cold weather, and on the Sabbath, it turned on and off with a flick of the finger. Another would automatically convert to an infra-red heater. advantage is that the infra–red heat lamp would Thus it would not be necessary to lug the cholent take the sharp chill from the long, cold winter pot to the bakery to be kept warm overnight for the nights. shabes. The final problem came in how to finance the Needless to say, that when the Chelm mayoral ambitious venture. The estimate was that a million elections were held, the Gor Frum Party won in an dollars would need to be raised. The commission unprecedented landslide receiving every vote decided that the Chelm Public Utility should offer except those of the other candidates and their IPOs (Initial Public Offerings) on the Warsaw Stock immediate families. Exchange. The initials would be CPU. It was decided to establish the original price per share at After the installation ceremony had been held and one-dollar. the gala inaugural had taken place and things had settled down, it soon became apparent that Mayor Der Bay’s readers are being offered a once in a Gershon had to attempt to deliver on his promise— lifetime opportunity for investing in a pre-offering. but what to do? If 1000 readers invested $1000 each, the entire amount would be raised. To make the offering Gertie, Gerhson’s plump, beloved wife, suggested more desirable, there is an automatic reinvestment that the wise Chelm rabbi should be consulted. plan so that dividends can be reinvested without Arrangements quickly were made for the meeting commission at the lowest list price on that day. and the wisdom of the ages was revealed. Furthermore, the dividends would be tax-free of “Appoint the CPUC (Chelm Public Utilities any Chelm taxes. An additional incentive was Commission) and let them solve the problem” was added. If any investor wants to incorporate in the advice given by the rabbi. Chelm, there will be no charge for incorporation. The commissioners were selected as you would in a Call the Chelm Public Utilities Commission at: horse racing rap sheet—based on the sounding of 011-34-4881-633-1229, e-mail [email protected] the names. Beryl was selected as the Commission or write to: Chairman because B is the first letter of bulb and E Chelm Public Utilities Commission is for electric. c/o Mayor Gershon’s Office ul Bialystokivina 36, 25-989 After several commission meetings and a great deal Chelm, POLAND of research and discussions, it was agreed upon that there would not be a generator built in Chelm. Please do not send cash. A bank draft or cashier’s It would ruin the bucolic appearance of the shtetl check for $1000 should be sent to the above address and would be a polluter. Instead they would buy for each share you wish. It is recommended that the electric power from Lublin, After a lengthy you maintain a balanced portfolio and not invest period of negotiations, a price was agreed upon. too heavily in any one stock.

Emperor Chew Chow Visits Chelm Philip Fishl Kutner Many years ago in distant Cathay, the Imperial For weeks to come the major conversation in the Emperor, Chew Chow, became bored. He was aging market, and in the street, was the upcoming visit of and no longer were the beautiful young maidens Emperor Chew Chow. What did he look like? How able to please him. His court jesters wee telling the did he speak? What was the style of his clothes? same old jokes and doing the same old tricks. Would he bring the Empress? One day, word reached the Imperial Palace of a Meanwhile, back in Cathay, the mission had distant place called Chelm where all of the people returned and reported at the Emperor’s Court. were fools. This caught The Emperor’s fancy, and he “Their skin is white, and the men wear very long decided to personally visit Chelm. But first, he must beards. Even the boys have long earlocks. The send a mission with exotic gifts. women have many babies and cook all kinds of tasty foods.” Plans were made to bring spices from the Orient and beautifully embroidered cloth. Advisors told him of To show the Emperor a little about the Chelmer the unusual customs of the Chelmers. The people do customs, they brought back a talis and t’filn. When not eat pork. The men have only one wife. The girls the Emperor saw the memorabilia, He knew exactly do not have their feet bound. Most surprising of all, what to bring as a gift on his visit to Chelm. He they trim the you know whats of little boys. ordered the finest silk cloth be made into a talis and above the blue stripes he had Good Luck inscribed Meanwhile back in Chelm word had reached that an with Chinese characters. all-powerful and extremely wealthy ruler was sending a mission to their shtetl. There was gossip Then his master craftsmen were ordered to make an about where the land was and all about the unusual exact duplicate of the tefilin made out of the finest people and their powerful and wealthy ruler. Some pigskin. Instead of being black, it would be a said that he was like Solomon and had a hundred beautiful golden brown. Upon seeing the beautiful wives—no, a thousand wives. finished talis and t’filn, the Emperor exclaimed, “The Chelmer Chief Rabbi surely will be greatly The mission From Emperor Chew Chow arrived in impressed.” Chelm. It was like a parade coming to town. There were so many men riding on horses with brilliantly Now that the beautifully handcrafted gifts were colored clothing. There were drums beating and complete, the Emperor’s party was ready to make horns blaring as the procession entered Chelm. the trek to Chelm. The Yiddish-speaking leader was led into the rabbi’s The trip was quite uneventful. Messengers were court while the rest stayed outside and were sent a day ahead to give the Chelmers time to admired by all of the Chelmers. After the meeting, prepare for the Emperor’s arrival. Luckily shabes Emperor Chew Chow’s mission left Chelm. That was over and the plans could go full steam ahead. night the rabbi gave a report of the visit—this was instead of his lengthy sermon. There was a huge The Rabbi’s house was the most elaborate home in crowd. In fact it was as big as for kol nidre services. Chelm. It was decided that the Emperor was to be the rabbi’s guest. The long parade of marchers came Di khineze mentshn zenen zeyer sheyn ober zey into Chelm accompanied by drums and bugles. The trogn modne kleyder un hobn modne firungen. Di Emperor’s carriage was led to the rabbi’s house and mener hobn lange tseplekh vos heysn kyus. Zey the customary greetings exchanged. zogn az es iz vi a khazer-veydl. However, when the Emperor’s gifts were Oykh, esn zey nisht mit a meser, a gopl oder a lefl unwrapped, there was a sudden hush and all the ober mit vos zey rufn hak-shtekelekh. Zey haltn Chelmer faces turned white. When asked why they tsvey in eyn hant un makhn azoy vi a feygl est— were not excited by the gifts, the Rabbi said, “They efenen un farmakhn dem shnobl. are so beautiful—we are speechless.” Zey hobn gebrakht a geshmakn trunk vos heyst tey. To this day the Emperor’s gifts are hidden in a trunk Es iz broyn un gut mit honik un tsitrin. Zey zogn az in the rabbi’s barn. If a Der Bay reader visits Chelm ven es iz kalt indroysn, iz take a glezl tey a and takes a photograph of the Emperor’s gifts, Fishl mekhaye. has offered $1,000 and will publish it in full color.

Chelm Gets a Municipal Golf Course by Philip Fishl Kutner Poverty-stricken Chelm decided that the only way Our Chelm expert agronomist knew that Crabgrass the shtetl could survive, and even thrive, was to is an annual plant that germinates in April, sets foster tourism. All of the American magazines that seed in August, and dies with the first frost. were purchased in Lublin showed hotels and golf He told the council that there are 235 varieties of courses. crabgrass and they fall into two common types-- hairy crabgrass (Digitaria sanguinalis) and smooth The hotels were not a problem, for they read about crabgrass (D. Ischaemum). B & B’s (Bed and Breakfast) that were small individual homes. There were plenty of such Gimpel contacted the Polish National Agricultural homes in Chelm and the women were excellent College who contacted the Elstel Farm and Seeds cooks. However, when it came to golf courses, it Co. in Ardmore, Oklahoma (1-800-858-7333) was quite another matter. Not only had they never distributors of the best Red River Crabgrass seed seen a golf course, but also they did not know what for advice. Naturally they agreed to help. it was. Maintaining the Turf Further research showed that it was a Jewish sport, for it had chai holes and par is four times chai. First the course had to be laid out. When Tiger Gimpel the Gardener was put in charge, for they Holts heard about the plan he was so excited that read that it was important to take care of the he flew to Chelm on his private jet and volunteered greens. his time to lay out the course. Tiger said, “First you need to have traps. So clumps of bushes, the He set out to visit the Paczoltowice Golf Course in watering holes and gullies were located.” Malopolska. After filling many pads of notes and speaking with the grounds-keepers and the person There was a stumbling block with the size of the who ran the clubhouse Gimpel returned to Chelm hole. Holts wanted it to be the size of a cup, but the to report to the mayor and city council. City Council decided that it would be better to use a bucket. This way the players would have better Gimpel’s long report could be summarized by scores and be able to brag back in Amerike. The grouping the list of problems that needed to be pails would still have their handles left on so that solved to have a championship golf course into after the season, they could be used to feed the three categoies. livestock. • Where would the golf course be located? The goats and cows would graze the pasture, I • How would they get the right kind of grass? • How would they maintain the greens? mean the golf course and when the crabgrass got too high the Chelemers would go in with their scythes and make hay. This would be fodder for the cows and goats in the winter. Locating the Golf Course The golf course has now been laid out, and all is ready to go except some minor items. You may be a The location of the golf course proved to be simple. manufacturer or know someone who is able to It was decided that the community pasture on the supply these items. edge of town was the solution. This was where the Chelemers brought their cows and goats to graze. • Magnetic golf balls and strong magnets to be Since it already belonged to the shtetl, there was no placed in each hole. need to raise the already scarce money. • Two inch spikes for the golf shoes so that the Getting the Right Kind of Grass golfers could walk on the golf course and not have the goat droppings hit the golf shoes. Gimpel suggested that the grass should be easy to maintain and be able to be used for animal feed. If you can supply these items, please send a Crabgrass, Crabgrass, Crabgrass was the answer. certified letter to the: You don’t have to take care of it, for everyone American Friends of the Chelm Golf Committee knows that it crowds out other grasses—it’s a weed Yenemsville Yiddish Club (an unwanted plant). Yenemsville, USA. 00000-0000