What I did on my Holiday

with a dainty foot. She turns around, swivelling smoothly likea ballerina, presenting me with her splendid rear view. Herbuttocks are firm and round, glowing like polished chestnutsunder the flashing lights. Placing her feet a careful distance apart she slowly, veryslowly, begins to bend forward from the waist. I watch themuscles in the backs of her thighs moving below the silkyskin, the tension growing in the tendons behind her knees. Thecrack of her bottom opens and her arsehole stares back at melike a blind man’s ravaged eye socket. Lower and lower she goes, until her face appears, upsidedown and smiling, between her legs. Her hair pools on thestage like thick black oil poured from a can. She stops whenthe top of her head is no more than an inch from the floor. I stare and stare, my eyes wide. I can feel my heart thud-ding in my chest and hear the rasp of my breathing. The sweattrickles inside my clothes. I feel as though I’ve developedtunnel vision, my eyes and my attention focusing exclusivelyon those few square inches of dark flesh between her upperthighs. I can see every perfect detail: her pubic hair is thick andtight-curled, glistening like black wire under the lights. Herpussy lips look swollen, bulging outwards under the pressureof her posture, parting slightly to reveal a thin vertical line ofred inner-flesh. The sweat runs on her thighs and as I watch,one glistening bead appears over the curve of her backside,running quickly down the cleft of her buttocks, detouring mo-mentarily round the little pucker of her arsehole, then descend-ing into the wet valley of her muff. I’m off my stool and weaving my way through the tablesat the rear of the bar before I’m even aware that I’ve decidedto move. I find the loo and barge through the door. I choose acubicle at random, slamming the door and fumbling with the 50

lock with one hand while the other wrenches my shorts downaround my knees. My cock springs forward, huge, red and angry looking. Igrab him by the neck as though I want to throttle him. Twoswift tugs and my spunk shoots across the little space andsplatters on the back of the door. Five seconds, start to finish. A new world record. I tidy myself up, then wipe the door with toilet tissue -please leave these toilets as you would wish to find them! I siton the loo seat and wait for my breathing to return to normal,for my heart to stop hammering, for the sweat to stop runningin my armpits. Then I go back to the bar. I’m safe now. Unassailable. Allpassion spent. Let her do her worst, I shall not succumb to hercharms. But I know, deep down in a quiet, satisfied place inthe back of my mind, that I’ll think of her again. I’ll conjureup that image on lonely nights until the day I die, or sufferTed’s fate. She’s provided me with wank-fodder for the rest ofmy life. I almost feel like paying her for it. I’m looking forward to the rest of the show, but she’s notthere. Her place has been taken by another girl: slender, nubile,erotic, but not my little angel. I feel a quick stab of disappoint-ment. I’d wanted to go on watching her, safe in the knowledgethat I could think with my brain now instead of my dick. ‘Where’ve you been?’ Ted asks, and I come back to thepresent with a start. ‘Eh? Oh, just to the loo.’ ‘You were gone a long time,’ he says, his tone faintly accus-ing. ‘Was I?’ I thought I’d only been a moment, but I can’t besure. Time flies when you’re enjoying yourself. 51

‘I thought you weren’t coming back,’ he says, and hisexpression is crammed with emotions: guilt is in there, and Iwonder what he has to feel guilty about. Then I see her. She’s weaving through the tables from theback of the bar, heading our way. The red g-string has beenreplaced by tight jeans and a simple purple tee-shirt, but evenwith her clothes on she exudes sexuality. I feel momentary panic as the realisation hits me. I musthave unwittingly given her a signal. She thinks I want her.She’s come to fetch me. What the fuck should I do? I’m goingto be stuck with her for the next twenty four hours. And a littlevoice in the back of my mind whispers: ‘Do what you knowyou want to do.’ And then she’s beside me and I can smell her perfume,dry and musky, and the blood surges once more through mybody, raising my cock from the dead and making me catch mybreath. And then she passes me by. Her hand snakes around Ted’s shoulders as she slips ontothe stool on the other side of him and says, ‘Hel-lo. You buyme drink?’ * 52

6 ‘I’m sorry Mike,’ Ted moans. ‘I’m really sorry. I couldn’thelp it. I thought you’d pissed off. Left me on my own. Andthen Benny came over and I knew he was going to ask why Iwasn’t with a girl, and I couldn’t tell him. I just couldn’t. Andthen I thought…why not? If I have to have a bird, I might aswell have her as any other.’ Might as well have her, I think bitterly. He might as wellhave her…as though she were nothing special. As thoughshe weren’t just the sexiest living thing on this entire fuckingplanet. Jesus Fucking Christ, what a waste! What a goddamnedstupid waste! Ted, the only man in Thailand who can’t get itup…with her. It’s…it’s…obscene, that’s what it is. ‘I’m really sorry I let you down Mike,’ he says. ‘You didn’t let me down Ted,’ I tell him. ‘But now you’re the only one without a girl. The lads’ll takethe micky.’ ‘I don’t care. I knew when I came here I had no intention ofsleeping with a prostitute. Nothing’s changed. What you toldme…it made no difference….I only thought that if we stucktogether it’d be easier for you. But it doesn’t matter to me. Thelads can say what they want. Fuck ‘em.’ He stares into his drink, still not convinced he hasn’t let medown. He just doesn’t have a clue! ‘She seems quite nice though,’ he says, glancing across thebar to where his girl is chatting with Benny’s. It’s gone three 53

in the morning and we’re back at Jacky’s bar for a nightcap.‘She’s not bad looking either.’ Not bad looking. ‘You reckon she’s all right, don’t you?’ ‘She looks fine.’ ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with her tonight,though,’ he says, sinking into misery again. Give her to me you stupid, fat, useless bastard! I scream inmy head. ‘It’ll be all right,’ I tell him. ‘Just make out like you’retired, had too much to drink. She won’t mind. She’s gettingpaid anyway.’ ‘I suppose so,’ he says doubtfully. ‘I’m going back to the hotel. I’ve had enough.’ More thanenough. ‘I think I’ll stay on for a while. Have another couple ofdrinks. You know, add credibility.’ ‘Good idea. I’ll see you in the morning.’ I leave the bar without speaking to the others. I’m definitelynot in a talking mood. The street is much quieter now. The whores who are stillcircling are a sad looking bunch - late night specials, bargainbasement stuff. I shrug off their offers without a word, plod-ding heavily towards the hotel. The night air is cool and I stopfor a minute near the beach, take a few deep breaths to clearmy head. I need to sort my thoughts out. What the hell was I thinking back there? There’s no way Iwant to fuck a whore. I knew that when I left England. Thereis just absolutely no way I am going to take a chance of catch-ing AIDS or syphilis or any other of the cruddy diseases thesewomen carry. No way. So why do I feel like strangling Ted? He’s done me afavour, really. If he hadn’t caved, I might have made a terrible 54

mistake. And how would I have felt tomorrow morning if I’dwoken up next to her? Terrible (fantastic), that’s how! Worriedsick (smug). Horrified (horny). Ashamed (proud) of myself. When I arrive back at the hotel I find the bar still open forbusiness. The two young men I saw this afternoon are in theirfamiliar place on the bamboo sofas. This time they’re sittingtogether, side by side, watching another football match on thetelly above their heads. Two girls, perhaps the same ones, Ican’t be sure, sit on the other sofa. One has fallen asleep andher head lolls on her neighbour’s shoulder. The other sits andgazes into middle distance with wide eyed boredom. Sitting at the bar, alone with a tall, iced drink, is Linda.She looks about as dejected as I feel and a sudden wave ofkinship sweeps over me. We don’t belong here, Linda and I.We shouldn’t have come, but we did, for our own individual,mistaken reasons, and now we’re suffering for it. We’re in thesame boat, really. The least I can do is buy her a drink. ‘Hello, Linda,’ I say, moving to take the stool next to her. ‘Fuck off,’ she says sharply without turning round. I fuck off quickly, knocking the stool over in my haste. I’m walking quickly through the dining area, heading forthe stairs, when I hear my name being called. ‘Mike! Mike, hold up a minute.’ Mean Bob is rising from one of the tables at the far side ofthe room. A Thai woman sits beside him and he motions to herto stay put as he comes over to me. I wait impatiently, one footon the bottom stair. I’m really not in the mood for this, what-ever it is. I just want to get to bed and let oblivion take me. He shuffles up close to me and glances nervously aroundbefore speaking. ‘Hello Mike,’ he says. ‘You on your own?’ ‘Yes,’ I say shortly. I’m in no mood to discuss my attitude toprostitutes again, but he seems to have something else on his 55

mind. ‘You seen Ray?’ he says. ‘Last I saw of him he was in Jacky’s bar with the others.’ ‘Any idea when he’s coming back?’ ‘I haven’t a clue Bob. When I left he and Benny werelinking arms and singing football songs. They could be therefor the rest of the night for all I know.’ ‘Shit. ‘Yeah, well, that’s life. Now, if there’s nothing else…?’ He chews a blackened thumbnail for a moment, then givesme an appraising look. ‘D’you know anything about cameras?’he asks. ‘A bit,’ I say cautiously. ‘Why? What have you done?Bought a dodgy one of the back of a tuk-tuk?’ ‘Nah, nothing like that. It’s just that I’ve, uh, got thiscamera, see.’ He looks nervously over his shoulder, ‘It’s Ray’sactually. He lent it to me. But I don’t know how to make itwork.’ ‘Can’t this wait ‘til morning?’ ‘No,’ he says quickly. ‘I mean, I want to use it now.’ Heglances over his shoulder again at the woman and gives me alewd wink. ‘If you know what I mean?’ he says with a grin. I check her out. She’s about thirty five I’d say, thin ratherthan slim and rather tired looking, like an old sofa that’snearing the end of it’s working life. She sees me watchingand gives me a big red-lipped smile that doesn’t get anywherenear her eyes. I wonder why, if he’s going to all the trouble ofvideoing her, he didn’t choose someone better looking. She’sdefinitely not my idea of a porn star, but then neither is Bob, soI suppose they deserve one another. I sigh resignedly. ‘Okay. Where’s the camera?’ ‘It’s in the hotel safe. For safekeeping like. Tell you what,you go up to your room, and I’ll bring it up. I’ll be with you in 56

a jiffy.’ Two minutes later he knocks on my door. Even his knocksounds furtive. He slips in sideways and takes a good lookaround the room. ‘You on your own?’ ‘Yes, still on my own’ I say in a tone of voice that doesn’tinvite further comment on that subject. His shirt is bulging like he’s six months pregnant and he un-buttons it now and pulls out the camera. As he does so I catcha glimpse of white string vest underneath. I examine the camera briefly. It’s the one I saw on the barearlier, a fancy model with all the latest features, as you’dexpect from someone like Ray, but I can see how the basicfunctions work. ‘How much is she charging?’ I ask without real interest,while I try out the various features. ‘How d’you mean?’ ‘How much extra. For appearing in your porn film? I mean,she’s not going to do it for nothing, is she? I’d have thoughtthat would be a bit above and beyond the call of duty, wouldn’tyou?’ The thought clearly hasn’t occurred to him. ‘I dunno. Iwasn’t planning on paying extra for it.’ ‘Well I suggest you get that point straightened out first.Could be embarrassing in the morning. Right, I reckon I’veworked this thing out. It’s got a lot of fancy features but youshouldn’t need them. Here.’ I hand the camera back to him andbegin my lecture. ‘You look through here, right? You press this button torecord, right? You press this one to zoom in and out, right?You press that one again to stop recording. That’s about all youneed to know. Okay?’ He looks doubtful, so I run through it again. ‘What’s the little red light on the front for?’ 57

‘That tells you the camera is recording.’ ‘Can’t you turn it off?’ ‘I suppose so. But why would you want to?’ ‘It’s…it’s off-putting.’ I can’t see it myself, but I’m tired and fed up and I just wanthim to leave so’s I can go to bed. I find the relevant menuoption and turn the light setting to ‘off’. ‘There,’ I say. ‘It’s off. Now, if you’ll excuse me…’ ‘Yeah, right.’ He’s looking at the camera in his hands likeit’s a bomb. ‘Ta for that. I think I’ve got it.’ ‘You’re welcome,’ I say, easing him towards the door. ‘Havea nice time. Don’t sprain anything and, if I can offer a piece ofadvice…’ I think about the woman downstairs, imagining hertired body. ‘...I’d go easy on the zoom if I was you. Night.’ He leaves and I shut the door gratefully behind him. I con-sider showering but I can’t be bothered. I climb into bed andshut my eyes. Five minutes later, after my second wank of thenight, I’m asleep. Good night Pattaya, and good fucking riddance! * 58

7 I awake feeling stale, jet-lagged and hung over. It’s nearlynoon. I’m not sure what time they finish serving breakfast so Ishower quickly and head downstairs. The dining room is empty except for Benny, sitting aloneat a table by the window. He’s reading the Bangkok Post andeating bacon and eggs. ‘Morning, Benny,’ I say. ‘Am I too late for breakfast?’ ‘You’re early. The others are still in their beds.’ ‘D’you mind?’ I indicate a chair at his table. ‘Be my guest. I take the seat opposite him and quickly scan the menu.‘How’s the food?’ I ask. ‘Not bad,’ he says without looking up. He turns the pageof his paper, folding it neatly so that it lies by the side of hisplate. I can see he’s got it open at the financial pages. ‘Interesting reading?’ ‘Mmhmm,’ he murmurs. ‘Checking your stocks and shares?’ ‘I like to keep my finger on the pulse.’ The waitress arrives and I order the same as Benny, baconand eggs. I watch him read his paper, his eyes moving steadilyfrom left to right, and think about the little lecture he gave thelads last night before we went out. ‘You seem to know a lot about Thailand,’ I venture. ‘I know a bit.’ 59

‘How come? You haven’t been here before have you?’ ‘I have my sources,’ he says mysteriously. ‘Ah. Sources, eh? That would explain it.’ I suppose I’m feeling bitter about last night. I wouldn’t nor-mally bother taking the rise out of Benny. He looks up from his paper at last and gives me a cold look.‘You come to a foreign country like this,’ he says, ‘You gotany sense, you do a bit of research first.’ ‘Research?’ I say, carelessly allowing the sarcasm to showin my voice. ‘Somehow, Benny, I can’t see you pouringthrough volumes in a library.’ ‘I’m not a fucking moron,’ he says hotly. ‘I can read.’ I realise I’ve overstepped the mark. It’s time to back down.‘I wasn’t suggesting…’ ‘I may not be management, like you,’ he grates, ‘but I’m notbleeding ignorant either.’ ‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ ‘Yeah?’ he says darkly, ‘Maybe, maybe not.’ ‘So what else did you find out about Pattaya?’ I ask, tryingfor conciliation. ‘This and that.’ I sigh wearily. ‘It’s too early in the day for this, Benny. Let’sjust pretend we’re friends, shall we?’ He shrugs and turns his face back to the paper. We lapseinto silence and I pass the time fiddling with my cutlery andglancing around the room. That’s when I notice a furtive figuresidling towards the door. ‘There’s Bob,’ I say, and Benny glances up. ‘Oy, Bob,’ he shouts, ‘Over ‘ere mate.’ Bob starts guiltily at the sound of the familiar voice. He hes-itates, glancing over his shoulder at the staircase, then comesover. ‘Morning lads,’ he mutters. 60

‘Pull up a chair,’ Benny says. ‘I won’t right now. I’ve just got to pop out. Get someaspirin. Bit of a hangover, you know?’ ‘Tell the waitress, ‘ Benny says. ‘They’ll send someone outfor them.’ ‘Nah, cheaper if I get them myself,’ Bob says, alreadybacking away from the table. With a final glance at the stairs,he disappears into the street. ‘Not like Bob to have a hangover,’ Benny says. ‘He canusually hold his drink.’ ‘I doubt it was the booze. I saw him when he came in lastnight and he was all right then. Must have overdone the sex.’ ‘Yeah, well, that’s what we’re here for, ain’t it. ‘Mmhm, ‘ I mutter non-comitally. ‘So how about the rest ofthe lads. Did you enjoy yourselves?’ ‘Not bad. ‘Where’s your girl?’ ‘Sent her packing. Don’t want her hanging around crampingmy style. Where’s yours?’ ‘I didn’t bring a girl back.’ He looks up again, surprised. ‘Why not?’ ‘I don’t sleep with prostitutes.’ ‘You what?’ ‘’I don’t sleep with prostitutes.’ ‘Why not?’ I shrug. ‘I just don’t believe in it.’ He looks affronted. ‘What the fuck’s that mean? “Don’tbelieve in it.” It ain’t a bloody myth mate. It goes on all thetime, all over the fucking world.’ ‘Maybe, but I don’t want any part of it.’ ‘Yeah? Too high and mighty to sleep with a whore, are we?’ ‘If you like.’ Benny looks like he has more to say on the subject but at 61

that moment we’re joined by Ray and John. Their girls followin their wake, whispering together as they walk. Ray automat-ically sits at our table, pulling the last chair out for John as hedoes so. John hesitates for a moment, glancing guiltily at hisgirl, then sits. The girls are relegated to the neighbouring tablebut they seem neither surprised nor put out. I recognise John’s girl from last night. I thought she lookedyoung then, but she looks even younger now without make-up. The contrast with Ray’s girl is pronounced. The older girlis wearing full war paint, even this early in the morning. I’mjust thinking how odd this is, when I notice the bruising alongher jaw line. As she whispers to the younger girl, I see that hermouth moves awkwardly, the lower lip looking fat and numb. My attention is dragged back to the men when I hear Bennysay: ‘His Lordship here is just telling me he don’t sleep withwhores.’ He’s pointing at me with an eggy fork. ‘Fuck ‘im,’ Ray says. ‘All the more for us.’ ‘Why don’t you sleep with girls, Mike?’ Johnny asks. ‘I do sleep with girls. I just don’t sleep with prostitutes.’ ‘But why not? Don’t you think they’re attractive? Rose,here…’ he says, indicating his girl who, hearing her name,looks up and gives him a shy smile, ‘…she’s the best-lookinggirl I’ve even been with.’ ‘Sure,’ I say, ‘They’re very good looking, but…’ I stop then, looking at his big, strangely innocent face. ‘Butwhat?’ he says. ‘But I…uh…’ I want to say, don’t you realise the risk you’re running, ofcontracting AIDS or something? Don’t you know that half thegirls over here are HIV positive? Doesn’t it bother you thatyour girl has probably slept with a dozen men in the last week?And what about your fiancée, Trish, back home? Doesn’t shecount for something? 62

I want to say all of that. I want to justify my position. But Ican’t. I remember Johnny’s worried frown last night when heasked if it was safe, fucking a prostitute if you wore a condom.Perhaps if I’d spoken up then, I could have said my piece. Thelads would just have scoffed and talked him round, but myconscience would be clear. But to bring it up now, after he’salready slept with this girl, is that fair? Won’t it just cause himunnecessary worry, spoil his holiday? Or is it even more unfairto let him go on taking chances, blinded to the risks by thehollow assurances of these whoremongers? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m right. Is it safe if youuse a condom? Maybe it is. But is it completely safe? I justdon’t know. What I do know is that it gives me the willies justto think about it. ‘…I…I just don’t …feel the need,’ I finish lamely. ‘Why’d you bother coming then?’ Ray sneers. ‘We wouldn’thave missed you.’ I’m getting sick of all the aggression being directed my way.First Benny, now Ray. Why the fuck did I bother coming? Imust have been out of my mind. If it hadn’t been for Benny…and then it hits me. Benny, that’s why I’m here. Benny andhis silver tongue. Benny and his talk of discounts and how thelads would have to pay more if he couldn’t get the numbersup. The discount that Ted, a member of the Committee, hadheard nothing about. ‘I was doing you a favour,’ I tell Ray. ‘You ain’t doing me any favours,’ he snarls. ‘Fucking wetblanket, that’s what you are.’ ‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Ray. In fact, I’d say you owe meone. Ask Benny.’ The man in question is giving me a funny look, wonderingwhat the hell I’m up to. ‘He’s the one who talked me into coming,’ I go on. ‘He was 63

very persuasive. He put up arguments that I simply couldn’tdiscount. Didn’t you Benny? Why don’t you explain it tothem?’ He’s got it now, and the look on his face tells me my stab inthe dark has drawn blood. I don’t know what happened to themysterious ten percent discount, and Benny must know I don’tknow, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to discuss it here andnow. ‘Fuck it,’ he says. ‘If he don’t want to get laid, what’s it tous?’ Ray is clearly surprised by the sudden about-turn, butBenny moves quickly to change the subject. ‘You paid your bird yet Ray?’ he asks. ‘Not yet,’ Ray says, with a last sullen glance at me. ‘You keeping her then?’ ‘Nah. Thought I’d buy her breakfast then kick her out. Startfresh tonight.’ ‘Same here,’ Benny says. While they’re talking, a woman appears at the foot of thestairs. She looks about the room hesitantly, then comes over toour table. I recognize her as Bob’s porn co-star from last night. ‘Please,’ she says to Benny. ‘Bob?’ ‘You got the wrong man, darling,’ Benny says. ‘Do I looklike a mean old git?’ ‘Where Bob?’ the woman asks. ‘Gone to get some aspirin, love,’ Benny replies, but thewoman obviously doesn’t understand. ‘I look for Bob,’ she says. ‘Well he ain’t here,’ Benny says, and turns his back on her.‘Where was I? ‘Oh yeah…’ Ignored, the woman looks forlornly around the room andheads back up the stairs. ‘What about you, John-Boy?’ Benny is asking. ‘You getting 64

rid of what’s-her-name?’ ‘Rose,’ John says shyly. ‘No. I…I thought I’d stick with her.For the time being like.’ ‘Good is she?’ Ray asks. ‘Clear the old pipes did she?’ John grins. ‘She’s fantastic.’ ‘Might give her a try myself then,’ Ray says. ‘After you’vedone with her, of course.’ John looks as though Ray’s hit him, and Benny, never slowon the uptake, gives him a shrewd look. ‘Fucking Hell, John-boy. You ain’t gone soft on her, have you?’ John blushes. His big face turns deep, ruddy red, accentuat-ing his ploughboy look. ‘No Benny,’ he says. ‘I just…just likeher, that’s all.’ ‘She’s just another whore,’ Ray says maliciously. ‘Just aset of tits, fanny and arse for you to shoot your load into. Youdon’t want to go getting all emotional about it.’ ‘I’m not,’ John says miserably. ‘I just thought I’d keep herfor another night.’ Then he gets an idea. This doesn’t happen to Johnny often,and it’s a bit pathetic to watch really. His big face lights upwith the brilliance of it. You can almost see the proverbial lightbulb going on above his head. ‘It’s like Benny said,’ he tells us, ‘It’s cheaper if you keepthe one girl for the whole two weeks. Isn’t that right Benny?You said it was cheaper, didn’t you?’ ‘That’s right John-boy,’ Benny says, not unkindly. ‘Youkeep her if you want mate. Don’t mind me and Ray. We’reonly pulling your plonker.’ ‘Which is what you’re supposed to be paying her for,’ Rayquips and the tension eases. The dining room is filling up a bit now. A half dozen guestshave arrived while we’ve been talking, and now I see Tedweaving his way between the tables, his girl following dutiful- 65

ly behind. He looks worried. ‘Ted, you fat old fuck,’ Ray shouts. ‘Over here.’ Ted and his girl take a seat at the next table, with Ray andJohn’s girls. ‘Morning lads,’ Ted says nervously. ‘Thought you was never coming down,’ Benny says. ‘Beenhaving a bit of morning glory, have you, you randy bugger?’ Ted glances at his girl who has quickly fallen into conversa-tion with the other girls. ‘Overslept,’ he says. ‘Shagged out after last night’s exertions,’ Ray says. ‘Youwanna watch it mate. You’re not as young as you once was.’ Ted gives us a sickly grin and ducks inside a menu, but he’snot escaping that easily. ‘So how was it?’ Ray asks. ‘Worth the money, was she?She looks like she goes like a steam train. Very limber, thesedancers.’ ‘Oh, ay, very nice,’ Ted says. ‘Very nice indeed.’ ‘Nice!’ Ray explodes, and the girls turn to look at him. ‘I’dexpect something more than nice, from a bird that looks likethat. She’s prime meat, she is. If I’d had her last night, you’dhave heard her screams all the way down the hall.’ I’m watching Ted’s girl as Ray says this, and somethingabout the way her face hardens, the animation draining outof it to be replaced by a cold, hard mask, makes me think sheunderstands a bit more English than most of them. ‘She’s…she’s a lovely girl,’ Ted quavers. ‘Really…lovely.We…we had a really nice time.’ ‘There’s that fucking ‘nice’ again,’ Ray sneers. ‘Listen mate,if you don’t know how to use her properly, pass her over here.I’ll take care of her.’ My eyes are still fixed on Ted’s girl, so I’m probably theonly one who sees her slip her hand under the table and givehis leg a reassuring squeeze. Then she leans across to herneighbour and whispers something in her ear. The other girl 66

squeals with shocked delight, eyes wide with disbelief, butTed’s girl nods meaningfully, holding her hands out in theold fisherman’s gesture indicating the size of the one that gotaway. According to her, Ted’s been hiding a cucumber in hisjockey shorts. The gesture is lost on nobody, and our table goes quietwhile Ted looks abashed and grateful, and the three girlsgiggle ecstatically. Then Ray’s bird calls for the other girls’attention and holds her hand out with just an inch of spaceshowing between thumb and forefinger, and they go into con-vulsions. Her words may be spoken in Thai, but her gestures are mul-ti-lingual. Ray’s face is black with fury. He starts to rise fromhis seat but Benny places a restraining hand on his arm. ‘Sheain’t worth it mate,’ he says. ‘She’s just a cheap whore.’ Ray subsides slowly, his jaw muscles working. He reachesinto his trouser pocket and pulls out a wad of notes. Peelingtwo from the top, he tosses them on the table before his girl.‘There you are,’ he says. ‘Now fuck off. And don’t show yourugly face in here again.’ The girl gives him a look of purest hatred. For a moment Ithink she’s going to fling the money back in his face. Then shepicks up the notes, folds them into her handbag, and stands up.The other girls are looking up at her with concern. She bendsback down and kisses each of them on the cheek, then flicksher middle digit at Ray and stomps out. ‘So what you planning on doing today, Ray?’ Benny says,apparently unperturbed. ‘I hear they rent speed boats by thehour down on the beach. Or jet skis. We could hire a couple ofjet skis and have a race. What about you John, fancy comingalong?’ ‘I don’t mind,’ John says, watching Ray nervously. ‘If Rayfancies it. Do you Ray?’ 67

‘Yeah,’ Ray mutters darkly. ‘Why not? Get us away fromthese fucking tarts for a couple of hours, won’t it? I mean, theyhave their uses, but you don’t want to have to look at theirugly brown faces all day, do you?’ ‘Well then,’ Benny says, ‘We’ll have a couple of quick onesin the bar, then hit the streets, okay everyone?’ ‘Actually, Benny,’ Ted says, ‘We won’t come if you don’tmind. Anna here is going to take me sightseeing. There’s atemple outside town she wants to show me.’ ‘Sounds riveting mate,’ Benny says, ‘but suit yourself.’ Benny’s up then, folding his paper and making ‘time-to-go’ motions. As we all stand to join him, the woman who waslooking for Bob appears once more. She’s carrying a suitcaseand this time she doesn’t hesitate, heading straight for the doorto the street. ‘Here,’ Ray says, ‘Isn’t that Bob’s case?’ ‘Could be,’ Benny says, ‘Could be.’ ‘You reckon she’s nicking it?’ Ray says. ‘Shouldn’t we stop her?’ I ask, beginning to rise from mychair, but Ray puts a restraining hand on my shoulder. ‘Bollocks,’ he says. ‘Serve him right. She must be hard up ifshe reckons it’s worth nicking his shitty old clothes.’ ‘Probably wants his underpants as a souvenir,’ Benny quipsand they all laugh heartily while the girl makes good herescape. * 68

8 ‘Heads up lads,’ Ray whispers loudly. ‘Look what the cat’sdragged in.’ We’ve been in the bar for half an hour and the atmospherehas lightened with the help of liberal quantities of booze. Rayin particular seems to have recovered his spirits, which meanshe’s being a pain in the arse. The sight of Linda is guaranteedto make him sit up and take notice. She heads for the exit, eyes straight ahead, clearly deter-mined to ignore us, but Ray has other ideas. ‘Hello darling!’ he calls. ‘Fancy a quickie?’ ‘Prick,’ Linda mutters as she comes abreast of us. ‘Aw, don’t be like that,’ Ray scoffs. ‘Aren’t you enjoyingyour holiday then? Maybe you need a good seeing to. Tell youwhat, I’ll give you a hundred baht to suck my dick.’ Linda’s control breaks and she swings round on Ray andsnarls: ‘I hope you all catch the pox and your dicks fall off.It’d serve you right.’ The lads guffaw and Linda stumbles through the door anddisappears from sight. ‘She needs a good seeing to, that one,’ Ray says. ‘Obviouslynot getting enough from old Adrian. I could put her straight. Ilike them with a bit of meat on them. Or a bit of meat in them,my meat, eh?’ He laughs loudly. The light from the entrance dims briefly and I look up to seeBob slipping through the doors and taking a good look around. 69

‘Where the fuck did you get to?’ Ray asks. ‘Your bird waslooking for you.’ ‘Had to get some aspirin,’ Bob says. ‘Bit of a headache.’ ‘Woose,’ Ray sneers. ‘Has she gone?’ Bob asks nervously. ‘She left about half an hour ago,’ John says. ‘She was carry-ing…Ow!’ ‘…carrying on a bit,’ Benny butts in smoothly. ‘Crying andstuff. You have a bit of trouble with her Bob?’ ‘No, no.’ Bob says, shaking his head. ‘No, everything wasfine. I thought I’d let her have a bit of a lie in, like.’ ‘Very considerate of you,’ Benny says, and exchanges asly grin with Ray. ‘So Bob, now you’re here, make yourselfuseful. It’s your round.’ As Bob dolefully orders the drinks I turn to John who’ssitting next to me at the bar. ‘I gather you’re enjoying yourself?’ I say. ‘Oh yeah. This place is fantastic.’ I grunt non-comitally but he goes on with enthusiasm ‘Youshould get yourself a girl Mike. They’re great.’ ‘No thanks.’ ‘But why not?’ I look at his big, innocent face. I can see he’s having awhale of a time. He can’t begin to understand why I’m not. ‘Listen, John. You’ve got a regular girlfriend back inEngland, haven’t you?’ ‘Trish?’ He gives me a shy smile, full of quiet pride. ‘Yeah,sure.’ ‘Doesn’t it bother you…I mean…having sex with Rosehere, while your girlfriend is sitting at home in England?Don’t you think that’s wrong?’ He looks confused. ‘I dunno. Why? D’you think it’swrong?’ 70

‘Don’t listen to him,’ Ray says. I hadn’t realised he couldhear us. ‘He’s just a fucking kill joy.’ ‘If you don’t mind, Ray,’ I say. ‘This is a private conversa-tion.’ ‘Tell him to go fuck ‘imself, John-Boy,’ Ray says round me.‘He’s trying to turn you into a nancy boy like him.’ I turn my back firmly on Ray and say: ‘John, I’m not tryingto spoil your fun. Really I’m not. I just want to understand theway you feel about this place. Your girlfriend, Trish, I’d heardyou were serious about her.’ ‘We got engaged last month.’ ‘Hooked, more like,’ Ray says. ‘She hooked you like a fish,son.’ John grins and shrugs, as though he’s used to this sort ofribbing. ‘But doesn’t she mind you being here?’ I say. ‘Oh yeah. When I told her, she did her nut. Her and hermum both. They didn’t want me to come.’ ‘But you came anyway?’ ‘Course. Couldn’t miss a good piss up with the lads, couldI?’ ‘Too bloody right,’ Benny joins in. ‘He ain’t married yet.She can’t tell ‘im what to do ‘til she gets that ring on hisfinger, ain’t that right Johnny boy?’ ‘Right,’ John says happily. ‘Here, John,’ Bob calls from the far end of the group. Itseems the whole world has decided to invade our conversation.‘You’d better fill your boots while you’re here, ‘cause youwon’t be getting any for a while when you get back home.’ ‘I wasn’t getting any before I came here,’ John replies.‘Not since I told her I signed up.’ ‘That’s fucking women for you,’ Bob says hotly. ‘Bitches,the lot of them. They use sex as a weapon, to get their own 71

way. If you do something they don’t like: no sex. If you arguewith them: no sex. If you forget their birthday: no sex. That’swhy I never got married.’ ‘I thought it was because you’re so ugly no bird wouldmarry you,’ Ray sneers. ‘No,’ Benny says. ‘It’s because he’s so mean he wouldn’tbuy a wedding ring.’ ‘Bollocks,’ Bob says. ‘I could have been married a dozentimes over, but I’m not having any woman telling me I can’thave sex when I want it. Sod that. I’d rather pay for it.’ ‘That’s not like you Bob,’ Ray says, ‘Paying for somethingyou could get for free.’ ‘Free?’ Bob explodes. ‘Don’t make me laugh. D’you thinkJohn’s going to get it for free when he’s hitched? Listen son,I’m telling you, when I hand over my twenty quid I know whatI’m going to get for it. A damn good shag. But you silly youngsods, you marry them, then the next thing you know you’rebuying them houses and furniture and clothes and all thatshit. And what do you get out of it? A five minute fuck oncea month, that’s what, if she’s in the mood and if you haven’tdone anything to piss her off. Just you wait and see.’ ‘I don’t know,’ John says doubtfully. ‘Trish quite likes sex.’ ‘She won’t once you’re married,’ Bob predicts darkly. ‘Youmark my words. The only time you’ll get a sniff is when shewants something. And just try asking her for a blow job andsee what you get. You call that free? I call that stupid. AskBenny here. He knows what I’m talking about.’ Benny nods wisely. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned in thislife, it’s this. There’s no such thing as a free lunch or a freeshag. Everyone pays, one way or another.’ ‘But you don’t pay for it Benny,’ John points out. ‘I mean,Jenny in the canteen, she doesn’t charge you, does she?’ ‘Not money,’ Benny agrees. ‘But I pay for it in other ways.’ 72

‘How d’you mean?’ ‘Romance. I pay for it with words. I tell a girl the thingsshe wants to hear. I tell ‘er she’s beautiful. I tell ‘er she’s thesexiest little number I’ve ever had in my life. All that romanticcrap. They love all that. Gets their knickers off quicker thananything that does.’ I try to picture Benny being romantic. I find I don’t have theimagination for it. ‘Do you tell them you love them?’ I ask. ‘When the occasion demands. But generally I steer clear ofthat. Makes things complicated. When it gets to the stage thata bird won’t give you a shag ‘til you tell her you love her, it’stime to move on to the next one.’ ‘So what you’re telling us,’ I say, ‘Is that you lie to them foryour own purposes. That doesn’t sound to me like paying forit. It sounds more like getting it under false pretences.’ Benny gives me a nasty look. ‘Well, you may see it thatway,’ he says. ‘But the way I see it, I give ‘em romance andthey give me sex. Fair exchange see?’ ‘But your romance is just a pack of lies. You cheat them.’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Ray butts in. ‘Seems fair enough to me.Benny lies to them and they fake their orgasms. What could befairer than that?’ The others have a laugh at Benny’s expense, but he’s stillfocused on me. ‘All right, Mr High and Mighty,’ he says. ‘Youwas married wasn’t you? What about your wife? You sayingshe didn’t use sex to get her own way?’ ‘We weren’t talking about me…’ I say, but Benny isn’tready to be deflected. ‘We are now. The way I heard it, she left you, right? Sowhat was all that about?’ ‘I’m not prepared to…’ ‘I’ll bet you’re not,’ Benny says. ‘But you’re quite happy totake the piss out of us, ain’t you?’ 73

‘I wasn’t…’ ‘She probably found someone with a bigger dick,’ Ray says.‘I reckon Mike here couldn’t satisfy her.’ ‘Piss off, Ray.’ ‘Nah,’ Benny says. ‘It weren’t that. Way I heard it, shefound someone with a bigger bank account. Ain’t that rightMike?’ I say nothing. I’m thinking of getting up and leaving. ‘That’s the point I was making,’ Bob puts in. ‘A womanexchanges sex for money. The bloke with the money gets thesex. They’re all whores. Every last one of them.’ ‘That right Mike?’ Benny says. ‘Your wife a whore, likeBob says?’ I look along the row of faces, all turned towards me, allwaiting to see what I’ll do. Ted, at the far end, is lookingworried, as though he’d like to help but can’t. John is lookingpuzzled, like he just can’t understand what all the fuss is about.Ray is downright hostile and Benny…Benny looks like a kidwho’s pulled the first wing off a butterfly, and is giving it timeto thrash about in agony before pulling the other one off. ‘Fuck it,’ I say. ‘Do what you like, the lot of you. I don’tcare.’ I finish my beer and make to get up. ‘I’m going to get somefresh air.’ ‘Plenty of fresh air in England,’ Ray calls after me and Ihear them snigger. I don’t know what I’d intended to do next, but as I step outinto the street, I see Ted’s girl heading towards me, weavingthrough the traffic on a little blue Honda scooter. She’swearing a lightweight summer dress, her slender brown armsand muscular legs glowing in the sunlight. The breeze of herpassage whips the little skirt around her thighs and I catch 74

the merest glimpse of knickers, white cotton, virginal-look-ing, contrasting strongly with the brown of her thighs. I feelanother pang of regret. Can this really be the same girl whoflashed her muff at me last night? Perhaps, if I’d seen her likethis…? She pulls into the kerb and treats me to a fresh, white smile.Ted appears beside me. ‘You going to be all right Mike?’ he asks with a glance overhis shoulder towards the bar. ‘Me? Of course.’ ‘Don’t mind them. They’re just a bunch of piss artists.’ ‘I know. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.’ ‘Listen Mike…we’re here for two weeks, you know? Youmight want to bury the hatchet with Ray and Benny. Other-wise, it’ll be a hell of a long holiday.’ I sigh. ‘I know. And you’re right, I will. But somehow, Ithink it’s going to be a very long two weeks whatever I do.’ ‘I’ve got to go,’ he says. He looks doubtfully at the littlesaddle of the bike. ‘You could come with us,’ he suggests. ‘Don’t be a berk. Go and enjoy yourself. You’ve got a goodgirl there. I envy you.’ ‘Do you really? Envy me?’ ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Really. Now piss off and have fun. She’swaiting for you.’ He steps forward into the stark sunlight and leans to kissher self-consciously on the cheek. She hands him a bright redcrash helmet and I feel another stab of jealousy as I rememberthe little red g-string she was wearing last night. Ted strapson the helmet and climbs awkwardly onto the rear of the littlebike. He looks a bit comical, his wide backside flowing off thesides of the narrow seat. Anna gives him his instructions andhe wraps his arms around her tiny waist, a soppy smile on hisface. With a final wave they totter out into traffic and disappear 75

up the road. Benny appears beside me. ‘We’re off into town,’ he tells me. ‘You coming?’ ‘Am I invited?’ ‘Course,’ he says with a grin. ‘You may be a prat, but you’restill one of us, ain’t you?’ ‘Christ, I hope not,’ I mutter under my breath as we set off. * 76

9 The town looks very different in daylight, somehow bothdirtier and cleaner. Without the bright distraction of neon theshabbiness of the place is more obvious, but the sun does itsbest to compensate by providing thousands of tiny pinpoints ofreflected light. We leave the hotel and head along the beach road, stoppingevery now and then to inspect the merchandise for sale at thevarious little stalls along the way. Mostly its clothes, and thelads have fun bargaining with the little brown stallholders fordubious pairs of Calvin Klein jeans and Nike trainers. ‘Look at these,’ Ray scoffs. ‘Supposed to be Levi 501’s.’ He holds a pair up for us to see, displaying the zip whichoccupies the place reserved in the real item for the trademarkcopper buttons. ‘Piece of shit,’ he says, plonking them back down on thestall. ‘Some of ‘em ain’t bad,’ Benny says. ‘The labels look good.You wouldn’t know them from the real thing. And they’recheap.’ They are indeed, and in the end we all buy at least one pair,but Benny gets into protracted conversation with one of thelittle Thai stallholders. I watch them chatting away in somebastard mix of Thai and English with lots of added hand ges-tures. I should have known that Benny wouldn’t be stymied bya little thing like a language barrier. He talks the international 77

language of money. In fact, seeing him here, chatting with hisnew friend, it strikes me that a creosoted Benny could almostpass for a Thai himself. He’s the right height and build and hehas the same way of using his hands while he talks. To my surprise, he reaches into his shirt pocket and pro-duces a business card which he gives to the stallholder. I can’thelp wondering what it says: “Benny Slipshaw - SlipperyBastard” perhaps? He shakes hands with the little man and I know that somesort of deal has been struck. I’m intrigued. I’ve never givenBenny much thought before, but I’m beginning to realise thatthere’s more to him than meets the eye. Our little group moves on and I hang back, waiting untilBenny’s separated from the others by a little distance. ‘Doing a little bit of wheeling-dealing on the side Benny?’ Isay. ‘Just buying some jeans. Like the rest of you.’ ‘More than one pair, I suspect.’ ‘Maybe.’ ‘This isn’t just a holiday for you is it?’ ‘No harm in mixing business with pleasure, ‘ he sayssmugly. ‘I may not be a professional, like you, but I know howto cut a deal.’ ‘I don’t doubt it. Like the one you cut on our fares, for in-stance. Perhaps you’d like to tell me about that one. Just whatdid happen to the ten percent discount you told me about? Teddoesn’t know anything about it, even though he’s on the com-mittee. And I’m willing to bet the others don’t either.’ Benny shrugs. ‘I told you. It was already taken off the pricewe quoted.’ ‘So why not tell Ted and the others about it?’ ‘No need for them to know,’ he says, and for the first timeI’m absolutely sure he’s lying. 78

‘Bollocks! If I know anything about you, Benny, I knowthis. If you were saving the lads money, you’d be damned sureto let them know it. You’re the sort who does people favours,but never lets them forget that they’re in your debt.’ ‘Think what you like.’ ‘Oh, I will. And the same goes for the others, when I tellthem. I can just imagine what they’ll think…of you.’ He stops walking and turns to me, first glancing up thestreet to where the others are still shopping for clothes. ‘All right,’ he says. ‘I’ll tell yer. We got a deal all right, butit weren’t ten percent off. It were, buy six, the seventh goesfree.’ ‘And the seventh, presumably, was you. Even though in factI was the seventh to sign up. So you got a free place here, eh?’ ‘Nah. I split it with Adrian. Booked the tickets through him,din’t I? We each paid half price.’ ‘I see. Then it’s a pity he didn’t get to enjoy his ill-gottengain, isn’t it.’ Then the full extent of the irony hits me. ‘Jesus,’ I say. ‘Linda got Adrian’s ticket. That means shepaid only half price. In effect the others are subsidizing herfare.’ I clap my hands together with the joy of it. ‘Oh that’sbeautiful. They don’t want her here but they’re paying half herfare. That is truly wonderful.’ ‘Yeah,’ Benny says bitterly. ‘Dead funny. You planning ontelling them?’ I give this a moment’s consideration. ‘No. I’m prepared tokeep your dirty little secret. No sense in making the holidayany worse by adding a lynching. But it’s going to cost you.’ ‘How much?’ he says quickly, true to type. ‘Not money. Just words, Benny. Just words. And with you,they come cheap, don’t they?’ He waits, not asking me what I want him to do. He’s a cool 79

customer, is Benny. ‘We both know I shouldn’t be here, yeah? I don’t belong inthis group, and I don’t belong in a place like Pattaya. I madea mistake listening to you, but I blame myself for that. I knewbetter, but I let you talk me into it. My fault. But now I’m here.I don’t intend to suffer two weeks of misery at the hands ofyou and the others, understand? I’m fed up with all the wise-cracks and aggression at my expense. So I want you to put astop to it.’ ‘I can’t tell the others what to think,’ he says. ‘They’regrown-ups. They make their own minds up about things…andpeople.’ ‘Oh, I think you underestimate yourself Benny. I’ve seenhow even Ray kow-tows to you. I can’t begin to imagine whatdirty little secret you and he share, and I don’t want to know.I just want you to use your…influence…to get the others offmy back. If I don’t want to sleep with prostitutes, that’s mybusiness. I don’t intend to be the butt of your jokes for the restof the holiday. Understand?’ ‘I’ll see what I can do.’ ‘That’s great Benny. I can’t ask you to do more than yourbest. But I’m sure your best will prove good enough.’ John is coming towards us. I notice Benny’s face change,the smarmy smile appearing as he thrusts his shoulders backand the confidence returns. ‘Benny,’ John says. ‘Can we go over to the beach?’ ‘Course you can my son,’ Benny says. ‘I quite fancy apaddle meself.’ We cross the road, dodging taxis and Songthaews, and forma line along the fence that separates the beach from the road. As I’d guessed the night before, the beach is packed. ‘Not many women about,’ Ray says. ‘They don’t sunbathe, the Thais,’ Benny says. ‘They prefer 80

their skin light, the lighter the better.’ ‘Why’s that Benny?’ John asks. ‘Light skin is posher. Shows they got a bit of class.’ ‘Rose is quite light-skinned,’ John points out. We all look ather. She doesn’t understand what we’re talking about, so sheblushes when she finds herself the centre of attention. ‘Yeah,’ Benny says. ‘She’s a classy bird all right, John. Youdone well there.’ John beams and squeezes his girl until she squeaks, and therest of us turn our attention back to the beach ‘Well, well, well,’ Benny says. ‘Look who’s enjoying thedelights of sun, sea and sand.’ We follow his gaze and find Linda, lying on a sunbed, sur-rounded by deeply tanned men. It’s clear she’s not with them,and it’s equally clear she would prefer that they weren’t there,but privacy is a rare commodity on a beach like this. ‘She’s very pale,’ John points out, skin-colour apparentlystill on his mind. ‘Blondes,’ Benny nods. ‘They have very pale skin. Youwatch, she’ll turn red as a lobster in that sun.’ She’s lying on her front, sunglasses perched on the top ofher head, but as we watch, she rolls over onto her back. She’stopless, and her heavy breasts wobble as they settle into theirnew position, blinking into the sun. ‘Is she allowed to do that?’ Bob asks. ‘I don’t see anyoneelse with their tits out.’ Benny shrugs. ‘Dunno. But her jugs ain’t bad.’ ‘She’s a big girl, all right,’ Bob says. ‘Bit saggy for my taste,’ Ray says. ‘Wouldn’t stop you giving her one,’ Benny says. ‘Only if she asked me nicely,’ Ray replies and they burstinto raucous laughter. Benny turns away, and we all follow him. 81

‘Come on. No point in wasting time here,’ he tells us. Let’sgo hire some wheels. Have a proper look around.’ We’ve already passed a couple of places hiring vehicles.Benny takes us back to the nearest one. A long row of gleaming motorbikes lines the kerb and Johncircles slowly, his eyes caressing them lovingly. ‘Can I haveone of these, Benny?’ he asks. ‘Don’t be daft,’ Ray says, and John’s big face falls. ‘You’dbreak your bleedin’ neck on one of them. You got to knowwhat you’re doing on a machine like that.’ ‘This is what we need,’ Benny says. He’s standing next to alittle open-topped four by four. It’s Japanese, a Suzuki or thelike, small and neat. But Ray has other ideas. ‘Fuck that,’ he says. ‘This is the one I’m having.’ It stands at the very front of the lot, an American Jeep, thepaintwork bright orange and black, huge chrome bull bars atthe front, padded roll-over bar lending it an air of danger. ‘Four litres,’ Ray says. ‘That’s more like it. Bit of guts to it.’ He talks with the vendor and the deal is quickly done. A sur-prisingly small amount of paperwork is involved and the mandoesn’t even ask to see Ray’s driving license. ‘Everybody in,’ Ray calls, jangling the keys merrily as heclimbs behind the wheel and Benny takes the passenger seat.John and his girl climb into the back seat, and Bob climbs inbeside them. That just leaves me standing on the sidewalk. ‘You can sit on the fucking bonnet,’ Ray laughs. ‘I promiseI won’t go too fast round the corners. Hah!’ ‘I think I’ll skip that,’ I tell him. ‘I’m happy to just wanderaround.’ ‘Suit yourself. We won’t miss you.’ He turns the key in the ignition and revs the engine hard,producing a roar and a cloud of blue smoke from the exhaust.‘Listen to that. Lovely.’ 82

He puts the beast in gear and roars off from the kerb,already leaning on the horn as he bullies his way into thetraffic flow. I watch them go with mixed feelings. I’m glad to be alonefor a while, but I’m alone in Pattaya, a place that has so farfailed to endear itself to me. ‘Think positive,’ I tell myself. There has to be more to thisplace than women and booze, and if there is, here’s my oppor-tunity to find it. * 83

10 I mooch around the shops for another half hour. I find abook shop and search the English language section. I can’t finda novel that interests me but I buy a guidebook, “The LonelyPlanet Guide to Thailand”. I reckon I’ll take Benny’s adviceand do a bit of research. I wander on, but I’m beginning to find the heat opressive. Icould do with a nice cold beer and a shady spot to sit and readmy book. It seems my subconcious is ahead of me because, withoutreally planning it, I find myself outside Jacky’s bar. Like Pattaya, the bar looks different in daylight; quieter andsafer. Jacky herself is missing and only three women are onduty. Two are playing pool and the other, too old and ugly tobe a prostitute unless she caters for a special taste, is behindthe bar. She gives me a warm smile of recognition, though Idon’t remember her from last night. I order a beer. There’s a little brown guy playing pool with a fat white manin shorts. I watch the game with half an eye. The little chap isreally very good, but he’s hiding it, letting the fat man thinkhe has a chance of winning. He strings him along until they’redown to one ball each and then pots his last red easily andslams the black down with a satisfying thunk. Money changes hands, confirming my suspicions; he’s ahustler. The fat man waddles off, and the little chap gives me a big 84

smile and indicates the table with a wiggle of his eyebrows. ‘No chance,’ I tell him with a smile. ‘You’re too good.’ He giggles happily and says something in Thai to the olderwoman behind the bar. ‘You play him?’ she says. ‘No money. Just fun.’ ‘No money?’ I say to the little man, and he nods enthusiasti-cally. ‘Okay,’ I say, and select a cue. The game is quickly over. He doesn’t bother to hide his skillfrom me, knowing I already have him sussed. ‘Another?’ I say,and he nods happily. We play four games and I lose every one, but I’m gettingcloser. He’s a good player all right, but I’m not bad myself. Iknow a trick or two. I begin to slow the game down, spoilinghis rhythm and win the fifth game. He laughs delightedly andI feel pretty pleased with myself, though I’m still not sure hedidn’t let me have that one, to sucker me in. He says something in rapid Thai and points at the bar. Ifollow his finger and notice for the first time a big brass ship’sbell hanging above the bar. ‘What’s that about?’ I say. ‘He say, he play you for ring of bell,’ the woman tells me. ‘What does that mean?’ ‘You lose, you ring bell.’ ‘And…?’ ‘And you buy drink for everyone in bar,’ she finishes, andgives me a big gap-toothed grin. I look around. I’m the only customer in the bar, but Iassume she means everyone, so that includes him, her andthe two girls. I’ve no objection to buying them a drink, but Ireckon I’m being suckered, so I shake my head. ‘No way,’ I tell her. ‘He’s too good for me. But I tell youwhat. I’ll play her for a ring of the bell.’ I point at one of the girls. She’s been watching the games 85

and I’ve been watching her, on and off. The woman translates and both the girl and the man quicklyshake their heads. Thought so. ‘Okay,’ I say, ‘How about a game just for fun? No money.’ This seems an acceptable compromise and she gets up andbegins to rack the balls, accidentally getting some of them inthe right places. While she’s doing this, I buy myself anotherdrink and tell the woman to get one for herself and the others.They all look happy at that and we toast each other with ourglasses and the atmosphere becomes most congenial. ‘What your name?’ the girl asks me. ‘Mike,’ I say. ‘What’s yours?’ ‘Kara,’ she says, and I wonder why none of these girls usetheir proper Thai names. Probably because we couldn’t pro-nounce them. ‘Where you from?’ she asks. ‘England.’ ‘Ah, England. Manchester United.’ ‘That’s the one. How about you? Where are you from?’ ‘Me? From Isaan.’ ‘Nice,’ I say, having no idea where Isaan might be. ‘Shallwe play?’ She breaks, getting two balls down, one of each colour. Shegiggles delightfully, covering her mouth with her hand. ‘I no play you!’ I cry, pretending to put my cue down. ‘Youtoo good!’ They all burst into happy laughter at this and I milk it,stomping off to the bar and shaking my head when she wavesme back for my shot. I finally let her coax me back, andthe game continues in this happy spirit. I take it easy, goingalways for the most difficult shot when it’s my turn and ap-plauding and joshing her when she pots or misses. I’m really 86

enjoying myself. I let her win, though it isn’t easy. It takes her ten goes onthe black and causes a lot of hilarity in the bar before shefinally flukes it in. We retire to the bar. ‘Where you from?’ she asks, when we sit down, and I do adouble take. Didn’t we just do this bit? ‘England.’ ‘Manchester United!’ she says, and I nod. I gather she’s not too bright, or has a goldfish memory,but that doesn’t seem too bad, considering how pretty she is.Not stunning, like my little dancer from last night, now Ted’sgirlfriend Anna, but very nice. She’s much bigger, five fouror five, pretty tall for a Thai girl, who seem to come in threesizes, small, tiny and Lilliputian. Her skin is paler than most too, and the shape of her facesuggests that she’s Eurasian rather than pure Thai. I canimagine how she came about, and it seems she’s following inMamma’s footsteps. ‘How long you here?’ she says. ‘Two weeks,’ I tell her, and she nods as though that’s goodnews. I realise that I’m raising her hopes here. I still haveno intention of sleeping with a prostitute, but I have twelvemore days here, so I need to be able to talk to them, don’t I?I wonder if I should spell this out to Kara, but it all feels socomfortable, I don’t feel like bursting her bubble yet. We seem to have run out of conversation but she hasanother trick up her sleeve. She speaks to the older woman anda box appears on the bar before us. ‘What’s this?’ I ask suspiciously. Kara tips the box up and a multitude of little wooden blocksspill out on the bar. ‘You play?’ she says. I recognise the game. It’s called Jenga and consists of astack of wooden blocks with which you build a tower. Then 87

each player takes it in turn to remove a block from one of thelower layers and place it on the top. It requires a steady handand a steadier nerve. ‘You go first.’ I say, and she plucks a piece from the bottomwithout a second’s hesitation. Then it’s my turn and I almosttopple the whole tower by trying to emulate her style. Every-one laughs. The little man, the other girl and the womanbehind the bar have all crowded round to watch. To watch memake a fool of myself, most likely. It’s not as easy as it looks.I focus and withdraw a piece, to general mutters of approv-al. Kara whips the next piece out as though it were speciallygreased for her and the game continues in this pattern. Whenthe tower falls in a spectacular avalanche of wooden blocks,everyone commiserates with the loser, me, and helps to pickthe pieces of the floor. We play for half an hour and I can’t remember when I lasthad this much fun. There’s something incredibly innocent inthe childlike enjoyment they take from the game. Before I know it, it’s three in the afternoon and there seemsto be some kind of shift-change going on. Three new girlsarrive and Kara’s colleague goes to fetch her handbag. Karaherself regards me expectantly and I realise that I have tomake a choice. She’s happy to stay, but that means she’s mine.Otherwise it’s time for her to go home. I finish my beer in a swallow and collect my guide bookfrom the bar. ‘I have to go now,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll be back later.This evening. Thank you for the games.’ I don’t think she understands the words but she knows she’sbeing dumped. She watches me all the way out into the street. I go back to the hotel. I’ve had enough beer for one after-noon. I can grab some sleep, or read my book. Or, if I wasn’tsuch a dick-head, I could be taking Kara back to my room tofuck her brains out. 88

‘Well Mike,’ I sigh, ‘I just hope you know what you’redoing.’ I spend the afternoon reading my guide book and I discoverthat, sure enough, Thailand is a big place with a lot more goingfor it than Pattaya. Bangkok, for a start, a teeming metropolis of twelve millionpeople and the gateway to Asia. Then there’s Chiang Mai,the second city of Thailand, yet only one twelfth the size ofBangkok. From here, apparently, backpackers set out to trek inthe jungles of Northern Thailand. And then there’s the islands,Ko Samui, Ko Samet and the rest. Golden beaches, palm trees,bamboo shacks. I like the sound of the islands. They sound peaceful. I wake to a light tapping on my bedroom door. It’s Ted andhis girl. ‘We’re just on our way out,’ Ted says. ‘The others havealready gone. We’re meeting them at that bar with the pooltables.’ ‘Jacky’s place. Okay. You’d better go ahead. I need to take ashower.’ ‘We’ll wait downstairs in the bar if you like.’ ‘Fine. I’ll be ten minutes.’ I shower in record time and pull on clean clothes, includingthe new jeans I bought that afternoon in the market. By thetime I get down to the bar my legs are sweating and I considergoing back and changing into shorts. But my shorts had a longnight last night, and they really need a wash. I choose hot butclean. They make a surprisingly attractive couple, old Ted andAnna. A day in the sun has added a healthy pinkness to Ted’scheeks and his silver hair looks freshly washed and fluffy.Anna’s hair too looks newly washed, and for a moment I 89

wonder whether they’ve been showering together. The thoughtsends a stab of pain through my guts, but I console myselfwith the thought that, whatever sexual frustration I feel at thethought of them showering together, it can’t be half as bad asTed’s frustration at being able to do nothing more with her. We walk slowly through the streets, Anna with her armlinked through Ted’s. I brush off a few women who approachme without having to think about it. Everything gets easierwith practice. At Jacky’s bar, the first face I see is Kara’s, the girl I playedpool with this afternoon. I hadn’t expected her to be here. Ithought her shift was finished. She sees me almost at the sametime as I see her, and she looks down, as though embarrassed,but peers out at me from under her fringe of hair. She mouths‘hel-lo’ at me and though I can’t hear her across the noise ofthe bar, I hear her in my head. Benny and John are sitting on stools at the bar. As Ted and Imove in their direction, Benny slips off his stool and heads usoff. ‘Hello lads,’ he says. ‘You might wanna choose anotherbar tonight. Ray’s got a bit of a bee in his bonnet. I’d stay outof his way for a while if I were you. He’s in a mood to hitsomeone else before the night’s out.’ ‘Why, who’s he hit so far?’ I say. ‘Bob.’ ‘Bob? Our Bob?’ Ted says, shocked. ‘What on earth for?’ ‘Silly sod borrowed Ray’s camera without asking. Should ofknown Ray’s funny over things like that.’ ‘Maybe,’ Ted says, frowning. ‘But hitting Bob…that’s goinga bit far, isn’t it? I mean, they’re mates, aren’t they.’ ‘They was,’ Benny says, ‘But that ain’t all. Bob, randybugger that he is, reckons he’s going to film himself on the jobwith his bird. But he doesn’t want her to know about it. Scared 90

she’ll charge him more. So he hides the camera. Sets it up ontop of his wardrobe and covers it with a shirt, just the lenspeeping out like.’ ‘That’s a bit unfair,’ Ted says, looking troubled. Benny shrugs. ‘I dunno. What she don’t know…’ ‘But something went wrong,’ I suggest. ‘Too bloody right. This morning, Bob does a runner. Meansod’s trying to avoid paying his bird. So he legs it and leavesher in the room.’ I nod. ‘We saw her. She was looking for him’ ‘That’s right,’ Benny agrees. ‘And when she couldn’t findhim, she went back to the room and waited a bit more. Andwhen he still didn’t show up, she decided to take her fee inkind. So she helped herself to whatever was lying around.’ ‘Oh God,’ I say. ‘You mean…?’ ‘Yeah. She found the camera.’ ‘So it wasn’t just his underwear in that suitcase,’ I say.‘Woops.’ ‘Woops is right. So Ray ain’t exactly a happy bunny rightnow. And he’s especially unhappy with you Mike.’ ‘Why? What did I do?’ ‘Seems you knew Bob had the camera. Showed him how touse it, he says.’ ‘He told me Ray loaned it to him. I had no reason to thinkotherwise. But even then, I don’t see how that puts me atfault.’ ‘Yeah, well, you was the only one who knew he had it.When that little bird walked off with Bob’s suitcase thismorning, you could have stopped her, couldn’t you?’ ‘I was going to, if you remember,’ I point out, ‘But Ray toldme not to. Seems to me he’s hoist by his own petard.’ ‘Maybe, but I wouldn’t tell him that if I was you. Look out,he’s coming over.’ 91

‘I want a word with you,’ Ray growls as he approaches.‘You lost me my fucking camera.’ ‘Now Ray,’ Ted interjects, ‘Mike wasn’t…’ ‘Shut up Ted,’ Ray snarls. ‘This don’t concern you.’ ‘It doesn’t concern me either Ray,’ I tell him. ‘It’s betweenyou and Bob. And I understand you’ve already dealt with himin your own inimitable style. So don’t try bringing me into it.’ ‘You are in it pal. You let that fucking bitch walk out withmy camera this morning. You bloody well knew it was in thatcase. That makes you responsible. Five hundred quid thatcamera cost, and someone’s going to have to pay for it.’ ‘Not me. I suggest you take it up with Bob, when he’sfeeling better.’ ‘He’s already coughed up his half,’ Ray says. ‘Now it’s yourturn.’ ‘Not a chance. Claim it on your insurance. That’s what it’sfor.’ ‘He can’t,’ Benny chimes in. ‘He ain’t got a receipt for it.Fell of the back of a lorry, didn’t it.’ ‘So you’re going to have to pay,’ Ray says menacingly,‘One way or the other.’ ‘Don’t threaten me Ray,’ I tell him coldly. ‘You may havebig muscles, but you shouldn’t let them do your thinking foryou. You hit me and I’ll see you put away for it. And you’lllose your job. Ten years down the drain. Reckon it’s worth it?’ ‘If you think you’re getting away with this…’ Ray muttersdarkly. ‘Getting away with what?’ I say, getting angry in my turn.‘What exactly did I do? Let me tell you. You brought an un-insured camera to the red light district of Pattaya. Not a smartmove on your part. Bob borrowed it without your permissionand lied to me about it. Not smart on his part. Then, when wesaw her walking out with Bob’s suitcase this morning, it was 92

me who wanted to stop her and you who stopped me fromdoing just that. You didn’t care about Bob’s stuff, did you? It’sjust ironic that in stitching him up you stitched yourself up aswell. Some would call that poetic justice. So don’t waste yourtime trying to make me a party to this. You have only yourselfand Bob to blame. Is that clear?’ Ray is going to hit me. I know this for a certainty. I’mwatching his eyes. They say that’s the way to know when aman or animal is about to launch itself at you. I don’t knowwhether it’s true. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. And thisisn’t going to be a fight. It’s going to be a massacre, and I’ll bethe one getting massacred. But I’ve had enough of Ray. I’vehad enough of Bob too, and Benny. I’m sick to the back teethof the lot of them. And I’m holding a pool cue behind my back. I took theopportunity while Ray was growling at me to back up to oneof the tables. I may only get one shot at it, but I reckon I cancrack his skull before he pounds me into dust. ‘Come on Ray, me old mate,’ Benny says in a placatingvoice, pushing in between us. ‘Let’s not spoil the night, eh?We’re out to have some fun, pull a few birds, right? AndMike’s got a point. He didn’t actually know the camera was inthat suitcase did he? ‘Yes, Ray,’ Ted joins in quickly. ‘You can’t blame Mike forBob’s stupidity. It’s simply not fair.’ ‘Bob’ll cough up the rest of the money when we get home,’Benny says. ‘I’ll see he does, or he’ll be banned from the club.Now let’s go get a drink. I’ve had enough of this place. There’snothing happening here. Let’s go find a club where we can getsome whores. Come on.’ Reluctantly, and with a last deadly backward glare atme, Ray allows himself to be led from the bar. Benny, Rayand John, with John’s girl in the rear, disappear out into the 93

crowded street and are lost from sight in seconds. ‘Phew.’ Ted breaths a long sigh of relief. ‘I thought youwere going to get hurt there Mike,’ he says. ‘I’d have been onyour side of course, though I’m not sure I could have donemuch. Ray’s a terror when he gets going.’ ‘Thanks for the support Ted,’ I say, quietly replacing thepool cue, still out of sight behind my back. ‘I think it’s timewe had that drink.’ Ted insists on buying the round and I let him gladly. I justwant to sit down, to stop my knees trembling. I’m amazed thatI got away with it. It didn’t matter that I had right on my side.With animals like Ray, that’s not what counts. I look around and see Kara still watching me. I give her alittle wave and she hops off her stool and comes over. ‘Hello Kara,’ I say. ‘I want you to meet two of my friends.‘This is Ted….and this is Anna.’ ‘Hel-lo Ted,’ she says, then changes to Thai to speak withAnna. Immediately the two girls start to chatter away, asthough they’ve known each other for years. I’ve noticed thisbefore with other girls. It’s as though being prostitutes makesthem all sisters. I order Kara a drink and settle on a stool, Ted next to me.He’s grinning all over his big face. ‘Well?’ he says to meexpectantly. ‘Well what?’ ‘Tell me all about it.’ ‘All about what?’ ‘You and this girl…Karen is it? Kara! So you changed yourmind then?’ ‘I haven’t changed my mind Ted. I’m not sleeping with her.I hardly know her.’ ‘Oh. Only I thought…seeing as how you bought her a drinkand all….’ 94

‘We’re just good friends,’ I tell him dryly. ‘So how’s itworking out for you?’ ‘Fantastic,’ he says, beaming again. ‘She took me all over.We saw a couple of temples and we went out to this lake. Itwas great. Really great. She’s a lovely girl, you know. Notwhat I expected at all. And she doesn’t seem to mind…youknow.’ ‘That’s great Ted. I’m very happy for you. Looks like youcan relax and enjoy your holiday after all.’ ‘You know Mike,’ he says, suddenly serious. ‘I reallythink you should reconsider your attitude towards these girls.They’re excellent company.’ ‘Ted,’ I say carefully, ‘I know you mean well, and I don’twant you to take this the wrong way but, with respect, myobjection to prostitutes hardly applies to you, does it?’ ‘How d’you mean? ‘Disease, Ted. I won’t sleep with a prostitute because I don’tfancy catching AIDS. You’re not running that risk are you?’ ‘No,’ he says doubtfully. ‘I see what you mean. But I stillthink, if you had one just for company…’ ‘And not bonk her?’ I shake my head. ‘I couldn’t do it.Jesus, I’m having enough trouble keeping my libido in checkas it is. If I actually had one in bed with me….’ ‘You do fancy them then?’ Ted asks, as though relieved tohear it. ‘Of course I do. Christ, last night…’ I stop, realising that I’m about to say something really crass.Last night I was stiff as a post at the sight of Anna doing herstuff…the same woman Ted’s telling me is such a great platon-ic companion. Ted looks uncomfortable too, so I can tell he knew what Iwas about to say. We fiddle with our drinks for a moment andthen he says, ‘How about a game of pool? You and …Kara… 95

and me and Anna. Mixed doubles. We could have a pound onit to make it interesting.’ ‘You haven’t seen Kara play,’ I tell him as we move to oneof the vacant tables. ‘I may as well give you the quid now.’ It turns out that Anna, beautiful, super sexy, excellent-com-pany Anna, is also a shit hot pool player. She and Ted trounceus in less than two minutes. Kara pulls her face into a cari-cature of dejection and pretends to cry on my shoulder. Wechallenge them to a return match and we lose again, but I don’tcare. The more we play, the more I like Kara. The only problem is, I can’t talk to her. Her English is prettymuch non-existent, and although there seems to be a naturalaffinity between us, this can only take us so far. I want to sit atthe bar with her and talk about her life. I want to know whereshe comes from, what her childhood was like. Does she likewatching movies? What kind of music does she like? I even,for fuck’s sake, want to know what her favourite colour is. I want to do all the things we’d do if she were English andwe’d met in a bar and taken a shine to one another. But I can’t.All we can manage is this play-acting. Fooling around andgross, pantomime emotions. It’s great fun, but it’s not enough. After losing six games we go back to the bar. We automati-cally form two pairs, Ted and I together, the girls on the otherside of him. Perhaps that’s why the English lager lout at thebar across the way feels it’s all right to walk across and say toTed, ‘Here mate, which one these girls is yours?’ Ted doesn’t answer but Anna leans in close to him, probablyto get away from the man’s beer-breath, and wraps her arm inhis. Seeing this, the man nods and turns to Kara. ‘You like agame love?’ he says, indicating the pool table. She turns a stricken face to me, pleading with her eyes forme to tell him where to go. He follows her look and raises hiseyebrows in surprise. ‘Sorry mate,’ he says. ‘Is she with you?’ 96

‘No,’ I hear myself say. ‘She’s not with me.’ He doesn’t make me repeat it three times, like Paul’s denialof Christ, but I feel the weight of betrayal on my heart anyway.Kara stares at me with real hurt in her eyes, then slips off thestool and moves with the man to the pool table. Ted and Anna are staring at me too, like I’m some kind ofbaby-killer. ‘Mike…?’ Ted says hesitantly, but I shake my head. ‘Forgetit Ted,’ I tell him. ‘Let’s get another round in.’ They leave soon after that, to eat in a restaurant Annaknows. Ted goes through the motions of asking me to jointhem and I do the decent thing and decline. Then I’m alone again. I’m just thinking about maybe jumping into the sea andending it all, when the barmaid, the older one who served methis afternoon, comes over. She places a contraption on the bar before me and says,’You play.’ It’s not a question. The misshapen lump of blue plastic on the bar turns out tobe a game called ‘Four-in-a-Row.’ You drop plastic countersinto holes and try to get four in a row. Sort of vertical knotsand crosses. It seems that prostitutes are pretty keen on kids’games. Personally, I’d prefer a good game of chess, but I don’tsuppose she’d be up to that. Pride, of course, comes before a fall. Within five minutes I’ve formed the opinion that thiswoman would whip my arse at chess too. She’s certainly doingso at four-in-a-row. She places her pieces on auto-pilot, usingmy thinking time to clean glasses, serve customers and stareidly into space. After losing six games in quick succession. I’ve begun toget a grip on the winning tactics. I concentrate hard and winthe seventh game. Her dismay at losing is heartening. She calls 97

all the other spare girls in the bar over to take a look at thisfarang who beat her at four-in-a-row. I gather it doesn’t happenoften. She lays her dishcloth aside and gets serious. We playfor another hour and I win two more games, a pathetic totalcompared to her score, but each one causes her a satisfyingamount of anguish. When I indicate that I’ve had enough, she buys me a drink.We haven’t spoken a single word of English to one anotherthroughout, but I reckon she’s one of the nicest people I’veever met. And she’s achieved her aim. I’m feeling better. Jacky has arrived now, and she comes across to say hello.She’s heard about my triumphs at four-in-a-row, and my singlewin on the pool table this afternoon. It transpires that the manI beat is her husband, and my feat deserves another free drink.I’m beginning to feel smothered in good will. But as the evening wears on and my beer intake exceeds myusual limit, the euphoria wears off. I keep catching glimpses ofKara with that Scouse lout. Instead of doing the decent thingand taking her swiftly away, he’s got her sitting by his side,with one arm over her shoulder and a pint in the other. Everynow and then he reaches down and squeezes her tits, and hismates guffaw. I want to go over and punch his lights out. About midnight, Ted and Anna put in another brief appear-ance and my depression deepens. They’ve had a nice meal,apparently, and now they’re going to a show. No, I still don’twant to join them. They leave, and I watch Anna’s pert littlebehind wiggle off into the distance. I can’t stand this any longer. I get off my stool, wave anartificially cheery farewell to all, and head back to the hotel. As usual I’m approached by women and I find myselfscrutinising their faces, sizing up their tits, admiring their neatlittle arses. The hunger is on me and I have to force myself towalk on, head down. 98

Get ye behind me Satan! I’m not actually tired yet, just tired of Pattaya. But at leastthe hotel feels like sanctuary. Once I’m in its cool embrace, I’llbe safe. I can lie on my bed and read my guide book, or justlie back and think of England. In fact, I wouldn’t mind anotherdrink. Perhaps I should get my guide book and take it down tothe hotel bar. If tonight is anything like last night, I’ll have theplace pretty much to myself. I step into the bar and the feeling of déjà vu is overwhelm-ing. The place is empty, save for the lone figure sitting at the barnursing her drink. I know, I just absolutely know, what will happen if I go overto her and say hello. She’ll tell me to fuck off, and I’ll slink offto my room like a whipped dog with its tail between its legs. But no. Not tonight. After all the crap I’ve been throughtoday, all the shit I’ve been served at the hands of MessrsBenny and co, I’m in no mood to be told to fuck off by her. I take a stool at the far end of the bar. * 99