Protocol Safe Word for Friends and Family

PROTOCOL  Safe Space   Conversation Contract    For friends & family of those recovering from N​ arcissistic Abuse    Narcissistic Abuse Recovery i​ s a lengthy and difficult process for victims of  narcissistic abuse. Healing is not linear, and there may be set-backs. The ways  the crisis manifests may make the victim appear unstable themselves in  addition to their disordered partner with NPD. Friends and family often want  to help but have no idea how and struggle to understand what is happening  to their loved one. At times, they may feel as overwhelmed as the person they  are trying to support. The following contract is a proactive measure to set  expectations and boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship and protect  everyone involved.  I would suggest preparing for the conversation by calling for a pre-talk  protocol meeting. Share a copy of the “The Essential Guide to Understanding  the Language of Narcissistic Personality Disorder” to provide some  understanding of terms and experiences. Then give them the contract as a  guideline of expectation and boundaries to maximize the share and facilitate  healing.    Name of friend /family member:___________________________________________  Name of recovering abuse victim:​__________________________________________   

  RULES OF ENGAGEMENT      Victim  ● No need to give full disclosure, share as much as you are comfortable  with, and have awareness that oversharing may cause distress in helper  ● Try to stay rooted in reality as much as you can find it. You are coming  out of an addictive type of mental conditioning that may confuse you  for awhile until you can find your way out of the fog.  ● Do not spend more than 50% of talk time talking about the narcissist-  Decrease that percentage by 10% each 1-2 months with the goal of  being self focused (not narc focused) by the end of 10 months.  ● Focus on statements that identify feelings:  ➢ “I feel fearful,”  ➢ “I feel hopeless,”  ➢ “I feel humiliated”  ● After identifying the emotion, try to explore a few reasons why you feel  that way:   ➢ “I’m scared of being alone or abandoned,”   ➢ “My attachment style is probably over anxious,”   ➢ “I am sad that someone I trusted could harm me like that”  ● Spend at least 25% of the conversation on coping strategies, healing  modalities, self-care, what you are doing to make progress.       

  Helper  ●  ● No need to try to fix anything- unless you yourself are a victim of  narcissistic abuse, you will not know how repair this kind of damage.  ● Ask if they want to know how you would handle certain circumstances  and respect the idea they may not want to know what you might do:   ➢ “Would you like to hear something that works for me when I feel that  way?”  ➢ “I have a few ideas about some things you could try when you start to  feel like that. Would it help to hear them?”  They may just want to talk and do not want you to try to find solutions.  The power of telling their story, sharing their narrative, and actually  hearing themselves say things out loud that they may have been  unaware of until they say it is sometimes all that needs to happen.   ● Know how to listen silently with occasional affirmations or  sympathy/empathy which is maybe all they need:  ➢ “I bet that was super scary.”  ➢ “Wow, that is terrible. I am so sorry this is so hard right now.”  ➢ I wish you didn’t have to go through this, but I know everything  will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”          SAFE WORD:_​ ______________________________________(example=s​ nickerdoodle​)   

  When to use the safe word (stop word)  ● The victim needs to stop the conversation due to increasing feelings of  anxiety or negative emotions.  ● The listener needs to stop because they are beginning to feel  overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, or triggered.  ● When either party feels triggered by past experience.  ● When the conversation begins to repeat or get stuck in a loop  ● When there is any judgement, blame, criticism, or unsolicited advice  ●