Project X-Out

201 almost feel sorry for the grieving wife who has to go through all this death in the family. I should get some sleep, though. I don’t want to be tired on a stalk. Laughter of children echoed from the distance, and I could feel a cool autumn breeze brushing against my neck and through my hair. I can’t open my eyes, though. I think I was moving, though I couldn’t be sure. “Daddy,” they cheerfully called out, “come play with us, Daddy!” I opened my eyes to see two little girls with strawberry-blonde hair playing in an open field of wildflowers. They had to have been no older than four years old by looking at them. I watched, motionless, as they ran around the field laughing. “Why don’t you go over there, sweetheart?” Samantha leaned on me from behind. “Sammy, you know—” I cut myself off from talking and looked at her. “You can’t be real.” My eyes widened and my heart fluttered. “You died.” “Daddy!” They called out playfully, again. I couldn’t help but turn around to look at them. They were picking some wildflowers in their matching white dresses. They are so cute at this age. “Then why don’t you stay here with us and make it real?” She directed my face toward hers. I could see the blood pouring from the side of her head and spread all over her. “Don’t you still love me?” I can feel tears running out from my eyes. “Of course, I do.” “Then stay.” She leaned in to kiss me and I didn’t hesitate away like I should have. “Daddy,” one of the girls said, seemingly upset about something. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” I looked down at her, then kneeled. “What are you sorry for, little princess?” She stabbed me in the stomach with the same knife I’ve used to kill so many people with. I didn’t feel it, but I did feel weaker when it happened. I was unable to move. “W-why?” I don’t know why I asked that. I doubt a little girl is going to know why she just stabbed her father.

202 Samantha kneeled over me and slit my throat with the knife. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move. This felt all too real. I know I’m dreaming but I can’t wake up. After what seemed to be days of sitting there in darkness with my throat slit wide open I finally woke up. Sara, still sleeping beside, cuddled up with the blankets as I lay completely uncovered and exposed. This is why I hate sleeping. I walked to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and saw the time on the clock read 11:11. I guess it’s time to wake up Sara and get ready to find Jonny. I flipped the kettle on and walked back into the bedroom. I climbed back onto my side of the bed and brushed the hair out of Sara’s face. “Time to wake up, my dear,” I whispered. She didn’t move. It didn’t even sound like she was breathing. “Sara, wake up.” Again, she didn’t move. Now I’m a little worried. I checked for a pulse but didn’t get one. I grabbed the blanket and threw it off of her. There was so much blood everywhere. A large hole in her chest where, what looked like, a knife was pierced through had blood flowing out of it. The white sheets soon became soaked in red. “It’s too late; she’s already gone,” Samantha said while standing at the end of the bed. “You.” I’m in shock and don’t know what to say. “You did this?” Of course, she did. There’s blood all over her and she’s holding the knife. The next thing I knew the other child from before had also stabbed me in the stomach. Now I’ve been stabbed by two children, that are apparently mine, my dead girlfriend kills me, and now my fiancée is dead, and I know I’m dreaming. I fucking hate dreams. I blacked out and waited, again, for what seemed like hours until I finally flinched awake. I looked over at Sara, only this I felt for a pulse and checked under the covers for any blood. Nope, no blood, just nude. That’s always a good sign. Back to the kitchen, I flipped the kettle on and looked at the clock, which read 11:11. Talk about a coincidence. I didn’t want to go back into the bedroom, mostly because I didn’t want to know if I was dreaming or not anymore. It’s a scary

203 place inside my head when I’m alone. I guess having Sara with me is all that’s keeping me from going insane. The kettle finished boiling the water, and I made my tea. I sat down in my chair in the living room, drinking my tea and waiting for Sara to come out of the bedroom. Hopefully alive this time. I finished my tea and placed the cup on the end table next to my chair. I don’t know why I’m feeling so sluggish right now. I closed my eyes and waited for Sara to come out. I hope she comes out soon; I really don’t want to fall asleep. “Lex?” Sara whispered my name while gently shaking me awake. I opened my eyes. “Good morning, love.” “What are you doing out here?” she asked. “Just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you.” “Let’s get up.” She smiled. “I think we have quite a bit of work ahead of us with Jonny.” “How did you—” she interrupted me. “It was on your desk.” “Right, do you still want a debrief?” I asked. “I want to know why the Marker files were open.” I explained to her that Jonny’s last name is Marker and that he is the son of Vincent Marker. I’ve already got the address his mother lives at and I’m almost certain Jonny is there too. “What are we waiting for, then?” She seems especially excited to do this today. It almost makes me feel not so sluggish seeing her so happy to do this with me. “You’re driving.” I smiled and winked at her. She signed while trying to hold back a giggle. “Fine, I’ll drive. Where to?” “La Salle.” Also known as Ticket City.

204 ’Till Death Do Us Part LaSalle is a small town, almost as small as Amherstburg. Despite its size, it has a rather large police force. There are people getting pulled over for speeding on just about all streets and you can’t pass a single coffee shop without seeing a cop at every single one. I’ve never actually seen the police station in La Salle, but I’d assume it has to be rather large to hold this many officers a day. “His house is just around the corner at the end of the street. It’s a dead-end so you can’t miss it.” We are just going to do a drive by and see if we can see him. Once we get a good view of the area we can look for a good stakeout position for tonight. “You weren’t kidding about the cops, eh?” She pointed at a whole bunch of officers surrounding Jonny’s house. “Wait, isn’t that the place we need to go?” You’ve got to be kidding me. “Yeah, that’s the place. Just drive up and turn around, slowly.” We drove as close to the house as we could and slowed down. There was an ambulance bringing out a stretcher with a body bag. Looks like someone died here. It better not have been Jonny. I’ll be very upset if I don’t get to have the pleasure of doing him off myself. “What do you want to do?” she asked. “We’ll have to come back when the police are gone.” This isn’t looking so good. We drove off and headed back home. In a rage, I threw my knife into the living room wall once I entered the house. “Fuck!” “Calm down, Lex,” Sara tried. “We don’t even know it’s him.” “But what if it is?” I’ll be so mad if I don’t get to take him out. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be something you can do.” “Not if he’s already dead.” “What about taking out the person who took him out?” I quickly calmed down. That’s not a bad idea, actually. Normally, if an assassin takes out your mark before you do, it’s up to you to take out that assassin so you can get paid. “That’s a good idea.” I love having her around. She always thinks of something to keep me in check.

205 I just need to find out if someone killed him or not. If he died from natural causes or an accident, then there’s nothing I can do, but if someone murdered him, then I can always get the satisfaction of killing another killer. I apologised to Sara as she grabbed the knife out of the wall. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to get frustrated there.” She handed me the knife. “It’s okay, and you can make it up to me by teaching me how to throw like that.” The rest of the day was spent going through the neighbourhood. The dash-cam we have on the car recorded the scene enough to give us an idea of where to hide out so the police won’t be able to see us. The only catch is we can’t drive right up to the house and park because of all the police that’ll be around. The scene looks too big to be just an accident. Something definitely happened here, and Jonny was murdered. I have no doubt about it. Sara and I are sitting in position near Jonny’s house and the police are still here. What could they possibly be looking for that would require an all-night investigation? Sara whispered to me, “Back patrol is on a break and there are no dogs. We can get in.” As we got up, an officer kicked open the front door and dragged out Jonny’s mother in handcuffs. She was struggling and kicking her way through the policemen. After a few attempts to get free an officer used the stun gun on her and she was taken into the back of a squad car. Motherfucker, the police beat us to the punch. I grabbed Sara by the hand and took her back to the car. With Jonny’s mother arrested and Jonny dead it looks like the police are going to get their own type of justice this time. It’s irritating to have to take in, but I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. Besides, Jonny is dead. That should be good enough. When I got home, I X’d out Jonny from my journal and went to bed with Sara. She seemed a little worried that I didn’t talk much after we left the scene. Maybe she just understands that what I chose to do wasn’t what I wanted to, but what I had to do instead. I’ll bite the bullet this one time.

206 “Lex, I’m sorry things didn’t go so well today.” I’m not sure why she is apologising. She didn’t do anything wrong. “Don’t apologise, love. It couldn’t be helped.” I kissed her and turned off the lamp next to the bed. Everything went black. Not even the moon’s light was shining through the window as tonight is a very cloudy night. I closed my eyes and tried to listen to Sara’s heartbeat but I was unable to hear anything over all the noise inside my head. All the sirens from today, the police radios clicking on and off, the police chattering at a crime scene, and my own thoughts on how I didn’t get to kill Jonny. It’s all so loud. The next morning, when I woke up I didn’t see Sara next to me in bed. The light that was shining through the window was orange which must mean she’s up a lot earlier than she usually is. I got out of bed, fairly quickly, and felt a sudden rush of blood to my head. My brain felt like it was going to explode. I don’t recall drinking last night, so why do I feel so hungover? I left the room and headed for the kitchen. Maybe I just need a cup of tea. Kettle on and cup in hand, I waited for the water to boil. I just stared at the wall, completely forgetting to check for Sara after I got out of bed. My mind was blank and my arms were weak. Then I began to think, Why does this feeling seem all so familiar? I looked over at the clock and realised why it was so familiar. I’ve been drugged. It’s not morning, it’s evening. “Son of a bitch!” I dropped my tea cup and went back to my room to get dressed. It couldn’t be an intruder because none of the alarms have been sounded. The cameras would have picked up anyone in or out of the house in the last week. I checked the alarm system and it was manually deactivated. Shit, the cameras were turned off too. Sara must have done this, but why? I grabbed my phone off my desk and called Sara. It went right to voicemail. “Sara, call me as soon as you get this.” I’m sure if I’m more worried or angry at her right now. After a few moments of rage, I decided to clean up the glass off the floor, finish making my tea, and wait for her to come back home in my chair. If she has a good reason for drugging me in my sleep then I’ll try to see it in my heart to forgive her. Though, I’ll never be able to fully trust her again.

207 Goddamnit, we are supposed to get married and she goes and pulls a stunt like this. What the hell was she thinking?! After about half an hour of waiting, she finally crept her way into the house. I had all the lights off and the bedroom door was shut. I heard her open the bedroom door, that’s when I quietly got up and stepped over to the bedroom. I stood at the door, waiting for her to turn the lights on to see that I wasn’t there. Let’s see how she likes being worried about where I am. Just as I thought, the lights went on then off in a flash. A second later she opened the door and bumped into me. I grabbed her, hip-threw her to the ground, and mounted. She had a knife in her hand but I was able to force her hand to throw it to the ground. “Please don’t hurt me, Lex!” she begged. I want to tell her to give me a reason not to, but I really wouldn’t be able to hurt her regardless. “Why did you drug me?” I need to keep at least somewhat calm in the midst of all this. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to try and help you.” What the hell is she talking about? “Help me?” I didn’t realise my forearm was pushing harder and harder against her oesophagus until I heard her starting to choke. I let her go and stood her up against the wall. I flicked on the lights with the switch next to her. “I took care of them for you,” she said, giving me an adored look. “I got your revenge on Jonny’s mother.” “You killed her?” As shocked as I am, she was able to bypass a police force to kill someone for me, I need to know how she did it. “How is that possible? She was being watched by several police officers at any given time.” Wait, did she kill an officer? “I took care of everything.” Now I’m angry again. “What did you do?!” She started crying, “I thought you would be proud of me for doing this for you.” Honestly, I am a little proud of her. I just don’t understand why she had to do this without me. There has to be something more she’s not telling me or she’d have just shared the plan with me to begin with.

208 “I am proud of you, but there’s something else, please tell me,” I said softly, loosening my grip on her. “It doesn’t matter. Jonny and his mother are both dead. You’ve got your mark and now you don’t need to worry about it anymore.” Tears still flowing from her eyes, she cracked an unforgiving smile. She killed the police officers that were with the mother. She had to have it. That is the only thing I can think of that she would have to do, firstly get past them, and second not tell me about it. I have to ask her. “Did you kill the surrounding officers?” Please say no. She went quiet. “I need to know.” I gave her a stern look and tone. “Did you kill them?” She walked over to the computer in the bedroom and pulled up the live news. There was a reporter at a scene in LaSalle, “We’re here live in La Salle where two squad cars reportedly got a flat tire while transporting an elderly female woman to county prison. The officers reported seeing something on the road then they got their tires flattened on county road nine earlier this evening. Not too long after that all radio communication went dead.” She had the camera man get a brief shot of what was behind her. “As you can see, there are EMTs everywhere right now. It’s been reported that four officers have died in what looks to be an assassination on the woman they were escorting.” She turned it off there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to kill the officers, but they left me no choice.” I reached over and turned it back on. The reporter was giving names of those who had died. The list consisted of five names, the last of which was mentioned was Detective Valory Liam. Son of a bitch, she killed Valory. Sara is distracted at the screen right now. Her look when she saw Valory’s name appear was nostalgic. This wasn’t just a random coincidence. She killed Valory on purpose. But she’s my fiancée, soon-to-be wife. I can’t . . . but I have to. I reached behind me and pulled out my syringe. “Sara, I love you so much.” She looked at me and I stuck the needle in her neck. Before she could realise, she was unconscious.

209 I set up the bedroom with plastic bags and tied her tightly to the bed. The floor, covered in black plastic, made me upset to have to be here. This is my fiancée, and this is my house. I don’t want to kill her, but she’s gone too far. She’s killed people in the past that I didn’t approve of, but this is different. This time she executed four officers, one of which was my friend. I liked Valory, she was a good cop. Seeing Sara restrained to the bed with her arms at her side and eyes currently closed just makes me think of what it will look like when she’s dead. She’ll still be beautiful and I’ll still love her. So why am I going to kill her? “Lex,” she whispered, “I love you too.” She smiled and kept her eyes closed. I started to tear up and lost focus on what I was supposed to do. I walked over to her and kissed her on the lips. I can feel my tears falling off my face and onto hers. She kissed me back, eyes still closed. I drew my knife from behind me without taking my lips off hers. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing with fear. She opened her eyes and looked directly into mine. “I’ll tell Sammy you said hello.” Still smiling at a time like this. She knew it was long coming. I don’t know if I can do this. I looked at her, closed my eyes and with one unwilling thrust, I plunged the knife into her heart. I let go and fell to the floor in tears. I just killed the only person who could truly understand me. The only person who knew me. My only friend. The blood dripped off the wrapped bed and onto the wrapped floor, ticking louder and louder with every drop. I wish I could undo what I just did, but I can’t. I find it ridiculous that I not only watched my first girlfriend die, but then I had to kill my second; all unwillingly too. I spent longer than I’m willing to admit crying in the corner of that room. Afterward, I cleaned up the room and hotwired a boat from the local Marina. I took it out to Crystal Bay, the place Sara and I had spent an evening at after we killed a hitman out to kill her. We borrowed his boat after we killed him and spent two nights on the water just holding each other under the stars.

210 Sara always said she wanted to go back to Crystal Bay, but we never got around to buying ourselves a boat. I hear they are expensive to have, anyways. Sitting here with her body wrapped in bags makes me sick to my stomach. “I’m sorry I couldn’t physically put you with your sister. I hope you can forgive me, my love.” This is too upsetting for me. I tied the rope around her wrapped body and attached the other end to three cinder blocks. All at once I pushed them into the water and instantly, she faded into the darkness of the bay. “At least you’ll never miss coming here,” I cried. I didn’t stay to listen to the water or look at the stars that night. I didn’t even go home. I just bought the boat back and disappeared in the night without a trace.

211 Hello, My Other Half Manic whispers to one’s self fill this empty room. I sit here in this empty, dusty place I call a home. Nothing is left, not even my kettle for a cup of tea. I haven’t eaten in days and I haven’t showered in a month or shaved since I killed Sara. I don’t go outside and I don’t like it inside. I filed a missing person’s report two days after I killed her. The police interrogated me and made me think they would find her. For a short time I even believed them, but the truth was there all along. I killed her and dumped her body into a river. I gave away everything in the house over five months ago and have been living in this empty hole I call a home since her passing. At night I can sometimes hear the echoing of her voice in the walls. I don’t dare go into the bedroom as there are just too many memories I would rather not be reminded of. The only thing I haven’t gotten rid of was a USB with all my computer files on it, my tools, and my journal. I have written in my journal many times since she died but only recently stopped as I am confident in killing myself. The journal has been updated with all the details of everyone I’ve killed and where I dumped their bodies. I will clean it up and remove any trace that I ever owned before I turn it into the police anonymously. As for the USB I guess I’ll take it with me to my grave. I’ll just implant it into the sole of my shoes I’ll be wearing on my deathbed. Hopefully one day, if my grave is ever opened up, someone will find it. I pulled out the knife that I used to kill Sara with. The blood was washed off the same night I killed her. I couldn’t handle the pressure of seeing her blood on my hands anymore, but the more I think, the more I realise that it will always be there. Perhaps I should just end my life right now and save all the hassle. I examined the knife. It’s still sharp from so long ago. Beauty in my eyes, even. It wouldn’t be that hard. With one swipe I can just end it all. My throat? My wrist? My leg? There’s so many points I can just end it all with. What one to choose? I think I’ll go with my wrist. It’ll be nicely covered in my casket so my family won’t have to see the cut on my throat.

212 The voice in my head that has been bothering me for years is saying not to do it. He keeps telling me I have far too much to do before I can die. Is this really a “he” or is it really just a figment of my imagination? Maybe it’s my subconscious thoughts trying to prevent me from dying because deep down inside I’m still afraid to die, even after all I have done. I’m not sure why I’m trying to make sense of this?! I should be dead by now. I pushed the knife against my wrist and slowly drew a small amount of blood. It wasn’t enough to cut the vein, though. I tried again, this time with an open wound. I could feel it this time. The vein was cut. It didn’t feel like much, but I can tell it was cut. It’s just a matter of time now until I’m dead in a pool of my own blood. In a matter of minutes, I blacked out. I’m finally coming to see you Sara. We can be together once again. A distant yelling echoed through my ears, and I could feel the hands of someone holding mine. It’s Sara, I knew I’d meet her again. “Sara,” I struggled to whisper. The voice was very faint, yet panicked. “Hang in there, help is on the way.” Did I just hear help is on the way? “No . . .” I don’t want help, I want to die. What the fuck are you doing?! Let me die! “Hang in there, man,” a voice said. “The medics are here.” I tried to open my eyes. I need to end my life now but I can’t find my knife. Someone picked me up. I’m elevated and rolling somewhere. What is going on? Why isn’t Sara holding my hand anymore? I’m too tired to deal with this. I’m just going to go to sleep and hope to see her soon. “So you’ve finally done it, eh, Lex?” a familiar voice said from in front of me. I opened my eyes to see who it was. “You again.” A lifetime of torture from my own mind. I guess I deserve it.

213 “Yes, me again.” I looked myself in the eyes. My other half looks so evil compared to me. “I’ve come to give you one more opportunity. Walk with me.” We walked into the white unknown. There was no path, no air, and no life. It was all just a white mist in a white wasteland. Is this how I see my life as just a white mist? “You’ve tried to avoid me since we were kids.” He seemed so calm. “But today that changes. You’ve done many terrible things in life and I want you to know that I was always there by your side helping you out.” “What do you mean?” “Did you ever notice that every time you got lost you always found your way back.” What is he getting at? “Every time you were in a situation that seemed out of your hands, you were always able to get through it on top. Have you ever wondered why that was?” Actually, I assumed it was just luck. “Luck?” “No, not luck.” He made me feel so small with that look just now. “I was the one who helped you. Sometimes you black out. When you do, it’s me who takes over. I am your other half, the stronger half, if you will.” “I guess that makes me the smart one then, right?” “If you were smart, you wouldn’t need to question that.” Asshole. “What do you suppose I will do then?” He stopped walking and looked at me. He just stood there looking at me, not a single word said. “Well?” He opened his arms as if to hug me. For some reason, I walked into his arms. It all went white. I jolted awake. Was that just a terrible dream? “You’re awake!” A woman with brown hair, wearing a dress shirt, skirt, and flats was sitting in a chair next to my bed. Her legs were crossed and for some reason I checked her out. I hope she didn’t notice that maybe I can blame whatever they have me plugged into. “Who are you?” I was only partly aware of what was going on. “What I want to know is who are you?” She had a clipboard and a pen in her hands. “The EMTs told me that you tried to commit suicide. Do you remember that?”

214 Right, I was supposed to die but someone saved me. “Yes, I remember that.” “Why did you want to die so badly?” She clicked her pen and prepared to write whatever I say on that clipboard. I let out a sigh. “Just leave me alone. I’m going home.” “Unfortunately, you won’t be going home.” “What?” I forgot my journal, USB, with all my killing tools in the middle of my living room. “Why not?” “You’re a threat to yourself and possibly others around you. I can’t allow you to leave.” I pulled out the IV from my hand and got out of the bed. I’m getting out of here now. “Officer!” she called out as an officer turned the corner and entered the room. He shut and locked the door then stood in front of it. In my state, I don’t think I can get past him. I’ve lost a lot of blood. Perhaps I can fake a collapse. He has a gun on his hip; if I can get him to assist me up, I can grab it from him and finish this once and for all. I looked at him and slowly made it look like I was starting to lose vision. With a few small foot movements and a small weaving motion I collapsed to the floor. The officer, out of instinct, rushed over and helped me up. I unclipped his holster and drew his gun. The first thing I did was flip the safety off. I kicked back to the door with the gun drawn up. The officer looked scared for his life. I bet he’s never had a gun aim at his head before. “Don’t make a fucking move or I’ll shoot you both.” I threatened them, but I don’t think I’d kill them. I felt for the doorknob behind me and unlocked it. Without taking the gun off their sights I slowly stepped forward and opened the door. I felt a small prick on my neck and blacked out. When I woke up I was in the same bed, only this time I was restrained by leather straps. A doctor must have drugged me when I exited the room. Sneaky bastards. “Are you going to cooperate with me this time, Mr. Rivers?” the same woman asked. Great, now she knows my name. “What do you want?” It wasn’t a question since I really don’t care.

215 “What I want is for you to tell me why you want to die so badly.” Again, she clicked her pen and prepared to write. I guess there’s no use fighting. I’m kind of tied to options here. “I put my life in someone’s hands, and now they’re gone.” “You had a bad breakup?” she asked as if it were the most ridiculous reason to die. “No, she died.” I turned my head away slowly. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Writing everything down, I doubt she’s sorry, “Can you tell me about the set of knives you had in your living room?” Oh crap, she saw my knives?! “They belonged to my fiancée. Well, it was a gift from her, rather.” It wasn’t really, but what else could I say. “Your fiancée, what was her name?” “Her name was Sara. Sara Rivers.” “Wait, you’re the same Rivers from the news about six months back, aren’t you?” So she does watch the news. “Yes, I am.” “How do you know she’s dead? Last I saw the report stated her as missing.” “Soon to be legally pronounced dead. I don’t want to have to see that day.” “I see, I see.” Does she really? She asked many more questions following that and had me explain to her, pretty much, my life story. This is the worst day I can think of. Might even be worse than killing Sara. I don’t know if I’m going to get caught and spent my life in prison or if she will let me go so I can kill myself later. As long as it’s not prison then I’ll be happy. “Are we done?” I asked. “For now, yes.” She clicked her pen and attached it to the clipboard, “I’ll allow you to go home on the condition that an officer remains with you throughout the night or you can stay here and sleep in a bed rather than a floor.” Is she even allowed to do that? “I’ll go home, thanks.” “An officer and I will go to your house to make sure there is nothing there that you can hurt yourself with. Once I come back we will give you a lift back.”

216 Crap, if they find my journal I’m screwed. “How about you let me come along with you and I’ll wait at the front door?” She paused and looked at me with suspicion. “Very well. Get dressed, I’ll be waiting just outside the room.” She pointed to my clothing I was wearing when I was brought into the hospital neatly folded and placed in a plastic bin on the table near the door. The ride back to my house was completely silent. An officer was trailing behind us to make sure we went to our destination. I sat shotgun in this woman’s car as she drove. It pains me to think of Sara at a time like this, especially. “We’re here.” She pointed out. We walked up to the house and had the officer open the door. He stepped in and made sure the entrance was clear of intruders then allowed us both to go in. “Oh, what a nice home you have here.” She was joking, right? “It could go for a little more furniture, but aside from it being empty, it’s rather quaint.” I walked over to the living room and saw that my journal and USB were not there. Yup, I’m screwed. “Is something wrong?” She pulled out her clipboard and pen again. “No, just—nothing.” How am I going to get out of this mess? My journal could have been taken by anyone. Those kids maybe, the EMS, or perhaps an officer. No, it couldn’t be an EMT or officer. If it was, I wouldn’t be here right now. I have to find whoever ‘saved’ me. “What else are you here for?” I asked her after I sat down on the floor in the corner of the living room. “I want to know why you wanted to come back here.” She clicked her pen. “So please, tell me.” I tried to get as comfortable as I could against the wall. “I don’t like being too far away from home for too long.” “I doubt that’s the reason at all.” She wrote something down again. “What’s the real reason?” I hope she doesn’t plan to annoy me all night. I might just end up killing her. “I gave you my reason already. If you don’t like it then get over it.”

217 “I want you to admit yourself in my facility.” She sounded so upfront about it. I got up and approached her. I’m at a loss for words. My heart is racing and my mind is cluttered with everything that I’ve done. I can’t think straight anymore, and I feel different. Like there’s something I’m supposed to do right now, but I can’t remember what it was. “I’d rather die instead.” I kicked the notepad out of her hands and it landed across the room. I swiped her feet up off the ground with a kick and she landed hard. She screamed while falling and the officer charged in with his gun drawn. I looked at her and smiled. She knew what I was going to do. I knew what I had to do. I picked up her pen and hid it behind my back. I charged the officer with my hand behind my back. “No!” she screamed, but she was too late. Not knowing what I had picked up, the officer only saw it as a weapon. He fired two shots into my chest and I fell to the ground. I can feel the bullets go right into my chest and one comes out the other side. I fell to the floor, blood pooling underneath me. Before I knew it, I was back in the mist, only this time I was alone. “Hello?” I shouted out for my other half, but there was no answer. “Where are you?” It was all so quiet. The only noise was my echoing shouts for my other self. “Alex, where are you?” I’m alone again. Even in death I remain alone and without any help. I lay down on the misty ground and just looked up at the white sky. At least, I think it was the sky. Memories of Sara and Samantha rushed through my head and I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. This place won’t even give me the satisfaction of crying. My chest pushed up in the air as a sudden electrifying pain shot through my body. I gasped in pain as it happened again. This pain is so terrible, yet I feel I deserve it. The white around me turned black, and the mist turned red. In a few seconds, everything was dark again. My hands are wet with blood, and I’ll never be able to wash them clean. Am I going to spend my days living in this darkness for all eternity now? “He’s stabilising, that’s good.” Did someone just speak?

218 “Good, get him to the room Dr. Lake arranged for him.” Who the hell is Dr. Lake? I could feel someone pushing me on a bed. The noises I heard sounded like they were being announced directly into my head. Nothing was quiet. Then after a door opened, a swish of a curtain, and the peeling of tape it all went quiet. I could open my eyes, but I didn’t want to. “Don’t even think about it, Mr. Rivers.” There’s that woman’s voice again. The woman with the notepad and pen. I opened my eyes and everything felt so fuzzy. I was grinning but I didn’t know how to get rid of it. The nurse who was inserting the IV into my arm was startled by the fact I opened my eyes so soon after surgery. “You can leave as soon as you’re done,” she said to the nurse without taking her eyes off me. I’m restrained to the bed, but I can’t move my arms or my legs. My eyes are pushed down in the centre making it look like I’ve got bad intentions set for this nurse. It may be true. I do feel changed. Like somehow I have a new goal or mission in life. I just want to kill everyone. “Lex, my name is Dr. Brandi Lake,” she finally introduced herself. “You are, by law, now under my direct supervision. You are to remain in the institution under special surveillance at all times. Do you understand?” No! I don’t understand! I nodded my head yes. “Good.” she clicked her pen and put away the notepad, “Get some rest and we will get you transferred to my institution once you’ve recovered enough. Until then I’ll be seeing you around.” She just got up and left. What the hell is going on? “Come back! Please, come back.” No words came out of my mouth, only laughter.

219 Outta My Head “Dr. Lake,” a balding doctor halted Dr. Lake in the hallway of her institution. “I have a package for you.” “What is it, Dr. Sheppard?” she replied, accepting the package from him. “I’m not sure. The delivery notification said, ‘Your eyes only!’” She looked at the brown envelope, which contained a thick package, and smiled. “It’s okay, and I know exactly what this is now. Thank you.” He nodded and walked back the way he came. Dr. Lake didn’t open the package; instead, she placed it in a safe located behind a hidden compartment located within her office’s bookshelf. Along with that was another envelope, also unopened. “Mr. Rivers,” she whispered, “we’ll get you better soon.” She closed the safe and shut the door hiding it. She sat in her chair and made a phone call to someone. “Hello?” the man on the other line said. “Hello, is this Charlie Rivers?” she asked. “Yeah, that’s me,” he replied. “It’s Dr. Lake, from the Colorado Mental health Institution in Pueblo. I would like to know if you’re up for visiting your brother any time soon?” “I don’t know.” He seemed hesitant. “I just started school last week and am not sure when I can get the time to head down there.” “If you can come, I’m sure it would mean a great deal for your brother to see you.” “You think he’s ready for that?” “Yes, I’m certain he’ll be ready.” “Okay then, I’ll come by in October. For his birthday.” “Terrific, I’ll see you then. Just give the office, here, a call so you can get the flight bookings processed. Thank you.” She hung up the phone. She turned on her computer monitor and flipped through a number of screens until she finally reached a window where a patient was sitting in the corner of a room with no bed. The only thing in the room was the patient and a straightjacket that he managed to get out of.

220 She smiled as she stared at the man in the corner. He looked up and started directly at the camera, as if looking at her. “You’ll see your brother soon,” she said. “Rivers.” It’s been three years since Sara died, I think. I’ve been locked up in this institution for as long as I can remember. I tried to talk but my words won’t come out. Someone else speaks for me, someone inside me. The walls are floor and walls are soft and I’m always finding myself restrained one way or another. I’ve been in the restraints so many times that I can easily get out of them now. I have someone come in and clip my nails weekly while another one holds me down as if I’d struggle. I laugh when nothing's funny and I hear voices when no one is there. The walls have so much detail to them when I look around. Actually, everything has so much detail to it. I can see everything clearer than I’ve ever been able to. Just last week there was a fly buzzing around my food, and I managed to stab it with my fork before it flew away. Disgustingly as it is to admit, I still ate my food with that very same fork. When they bring me my food there’s always three of them. One to hold the food and two to make sure I don’t hurt anyone. I would never want to hurt anyone, they are all so nice. It’s just, some days I can’t stop myself. Knowing all that I do about fighting and with all the training I’ve had, it took this place over a dozen men to restrain me. I think I was upset because the food sucked or something about corn. I can’t remember everything I go through while I’m here, for some reason or another. I beg myself at night to end the suffering, and my response is to sit there in the corner and just stare at the walls. I also get this feeling every now and then that someone is watching me through the camera in the corner of the room. I don't like being watched, but in this place, it cannot be helped. I just start at it for a few minutes every time I get that feeling and then it goes away. I write the name Sara in my mind, but I’ve forgotten what it meant until recently. My memory has faded greatly since I entered here. It’s sickening to think I won’t have any memory of any of it. If I don’t keep reminding myself of past events I’ll lose it all. I’ll

221 lose their image and I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it back. Sara and Samantha, I’ll never forget you. I promised that. The door buzzed. This means “Get as far back as you can and don’t move” to them, but for me it means that I have a chance to leave. With one quick motion I can trip the first guy who walks in, the second will try and grab me by the shoulders, and the third, by my waist. I just have to slide between the two and they’ll more than likely butt heads. Once that happens I can kick them both into the room and shut the door. These walls and doors are made to keep sound in, so unless someone is watching from the security room they won’t be found anytime soon. It’s all too easy. Now only if I could move. The first guy brought the food in and placed it on the ground in the centre of the room. There are no utensils and everything is made from edible wrappers and containers. Impossible to kill myself with chemical ingestion. Once they leave I eat. If I move before that then they get scared and almost always knock my food all over the floor. Idiots. Another meal of loneliness with a depressing dessert:­ Jello. I’m not even sure why I bother eating. If I just starved myself to death it would be so much simpler, but my body seems to be controlled by something else and I’m forced to eat. After I finished eating the terrible, tasteless food, the three men came back and collected the garbage. This time, though, they were accompanied by Dr. Lake. “You can leave us.” She waved them out. “Are you sure, ma’am?” The tall one in the back asked. “Yes. Go.” Her confidence in thinking I won’t kill her right now is surprising. “Hello, my dear, Lex.” She smiled. “I’ve got some good news for you.” She knows I can’t talk, so why bother talking to me like I will reply to her? “Your brother is coming down for your birthday.” My brother?! I haven’t seen my brother since before I moved out with Sara. I miss him so much. The last encounter I heard that I had with him was when I got shot. He agreed to be the one to sign off on everything to

222 put me in this place. I forgive him for it though; he doesn’t know the whole story. She doesn’t seem at all scared. I want to kill her right now but it’s like she knows I won’t. What gives her this confidence? “I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. Sleep well tonight.” She leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. This is the first time she’s done that. What does this mean and why did she do that? I spent that night thinking about my brother. I can’t even remember what he looks like or what he sounds like. I miss him so much. Dr. Lake said he’ll be here for my birthday, but I don’t even know when that is anymore. I don’t even know what day or month it is now. I hope it’s soon. Twenty-nine Days Later I’ve waited and I’ve waited but still he doesn’t come. I was told that my brother would be here for my birthday but they never told me when my birthday was or what day it was. The door is buzzing, but it’s too early for food. I ate not too long ago. “Are you ready to see your brother, Lex?” Dr. Lake was standing at the door. I nodded my head. She waved for Charlie to come in and he entered the room. Tears filled my eyes as I saw him enter in and smile at me. “Hey bro, how you doin’?” I missed him so much. “Charlie…” I just said my first word that I wanted to say. I was in control, that time. “I love you, Charlie.” Tears are now flowing out of my eyes like a fountain as I feel almost normal for the first time in years. He walked up to me and gave me a hug. I wanted to hug him back but this straight jacket was stopping me. “Here, let me get that.” Dr. Lake untied the jacket and helped me out of it. I hugged Charlie back tightly. It’s so good to see my brother once again. I was afraid I’d die here alone, forever. I know this

223 visit will only be a short one, but it gives me hope that I will one day be able to get out of here. Hopefully sooner rather than later. “I’m sorry that I can’t stay long,” he said. “I wanted to come by and wish you a happy birthday.” He looked over at Dr. Lake and she nodded at him. He turned back to me and pulled out a birthday card from his back pocket. It was just a simple card with a picture of my mother, step dad, two younger brothers and him on it. Everyone signed the inside of the card wishing me a happy birthday. This is honestly the most I could think to ask for right now. “Thank you, brother,” I cried. “Tell everyone at home I miss them and I love them.” I noticed tears starting to form in his eyes as he said, “Just get better and come back to tell them yourself, okay?” I smiled and said, “Okay.” He got up and left the room. Dr. Lake just stood there, touched by the moment she witnessed between my brother and I, then left the room. When that door shut behind them I knew that I was changed. I wasn’t becoming a worse person nor a better person, but instead a new person. I’ve spent years confined in this hell thinking about what I’ve lost, wishing that I could just die and get rid of the pain. What I failed to realise was that I would be causing more pain to my family by taking my life away from them. They need me, and as long as I have them I’ll try harder than ever to remove this voice from my head and take back control over myself. I will finish what I started and I’ll do it for my brothers, my family, Samantha, and Sara. I will X-Out every last one of them and keep moving forward. The world is about to become a considerably safer place when I leave here. After all, I did make a promise. I intend to keep it.