Transformative Emotional Intelligence for a Positive Career and Life

_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Empathy. _____________________________________________________________ BENEFITS:____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ D. LEARN Describe how to learn Positive Change. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ IONE.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. UT_____________________________________________________________ IB_____________________________________________________________ NOT FOR DISTRTEI LEADERSHIP SKILL: DECISION MAKING De inition Decision Making is the ability to use effective problem-solving and conflict- resolution strategies to resolve issues. It requires using a systematic model to approach the problems that occur daily. 135 f

The ability to make quick decisions and demonstrate good judgment has an important emotional component. The experiential mind comes to the support of the cognitive mind when difficult problems require resolution and important decisions have to be made. Much has been said about how emotions interfere with reasoning, and more must be understood about how emotions spark creativity, curiosity, and intuition. The experiential mind plays an extremely important role in shaping your fundamental values and your characteristic behaviors. Emotions are a source of energy for high performance, motivation, and innovation. As shown in Exhibit 7.3, Decision Making is both a science and an art! DISTRIBUTION 7.3 FOR NOT TEI LESSON 9: DECISION MAKING STEP A Self-Assessment: Explore Read each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most Often (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– number combination. 136

1. I make a decision and act instead of worrying about M=2 S=1 L=0 possible alternatives and becoming tense. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 2. I make my decisions independently and rarely ask for M=2 S=1 L=0 help from supervisors, family, or associates. L=0 3. I follow an established process that guides me when L=0 making important decisions. L=0 4. When involved in a group project, I suggest solutions L=0 that other group members accept. L=0 L=0 5. I am a good decision maker. M=2 S=1 L=0 L=0 6. When faced with making an important decision, I can see several alternatives and make a decision based on M=2 S=1 priorities. 7. My decisions are usually accepted as “good” by the M=2 S=1 people affected. M=2 S=1 M=2 S=1 N8. My friends and coworkers ask for my help when M=2 S=1 IOmaking important decisions. T9. I am decisive when a stressful situation calls for an immediate decision and action. IBU10. I seldom regret the decisions that I have made. R11. I make decisions easily and with good results. M=2 S=1 IST12. When faced with making an important decision, I am M=2 S=1 not overly anxious about making a wrong choice. DStop and add your score. (Max. score = 24) Enter Total Score => ORTransfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. NOT FSTEP B Self-Awareness: Identify Decision Making is a leadership skill that enables you to positively lead self and work well with others. Effective leaders make decisions and solve problems. 137

STEP C Self-Knowledge: Understand Decision Making IONDecision-Making and problem-solving skills are essential because our lives are Tnever free of problems. In fact, the human brain has a tendency to create problems a Ulittle more rapidly than we can solve them. Most of us have the ability to create IBproblems in our minds that have only negative resolution options. How we perceive Rproblems is an important key to our ability to resolve them. ISTIf problems are viewed as barriers or blocks, they can become a source of inconvenience, annoyance, and failure. If you view problems as those things that Dprevent you from having a happy and productive life, it indicates that your goal is to Rcompletely eliminate problems. Unfortunately, this is an impossible goal. A more Oconstructive view is that problems exist for a purpose and that they present an Fopportunity to actively participate in life. Your goals should include actively Tconfronting problems, working toward personally meaningful resolutions, and NOgenerating creative options to deal with problems as they arise. STEP D Self-Development: Learn As you begin to learn Decision-Making and problem-solving skills, remember to define your problems in terms of ineffective solutions—not in terms of barriers or blocks to your happiness (impossible situations). The problem is not the problem. The problem is finding an effective solution that allows you to feel happier or better. 138

To develop a more effective approach to personal problem solving, use the following guidelines: Accept the fact that living means having problems and that it is possible to cope with most problem situations. Sharing problems instead of hiding or denying them is helpful in finding effective solutions. Recognize and identify problems as they occur. When you have an emotional response (e.g., anger, fear, sadness), take this as a clue to identify a problem area. Focus on the situation producing the emotional response— do not deny the feeling. Hold back your first impulse to respond or to do nothing at all. Your automatic response may not be the most effective. TIONSTEP E IBUSelf-Improvement: Apply and Model TRTo practice effective Decision Making, complete the following exercise. Select a ISproblem that is important to you—pick one that requires an effective solution now. DShare the problem that you are attempting to resolve with others and ask for feedback and suggestions. Then, answer each of the five questions. OR1. Define your problem and state it specifically (e.g., controlling my anger). F___________________________________________________________ OT___________________________________________________________ N2. Identify and outline your usual response in a specific situation (e.g., When my supervisor criticizes me, I get really angry and attack back). ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ 3. List at least three options or possible solutions (e.g., I could ignore the criticism, I could tell her what I think and feel about the criticism, I could take a time-out and think about what I want to do and say). ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ 139

4. Visualize the consequences of each of your three responses. STRATEGY 1 POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ STRATEGY 2 POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES _________________________________________________________________ N_________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________ IOSTRATEGY 3 TPOSITIVE CONSEQUENCES U_________________________________________________________________ NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES IB_________________________________________________________________ R_________________________________________________________________ IST5. Decide on the strategy with the best consequences, and evaluate your results. DSatisfactory __________ What happened? ________________________ RUnsatisfactory ________ What happened? ________________________ T FOWhen the problem occurs again, I have learned that: NO___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ and I will change my response by: ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ This is a systematic process for actively handling and resolving problems. You can return to this process many times as you encounter new problems. Learn to view problems as challenges and opportunities. Develop confidence and use a systematic, proactive process to respond to these challenges and opportunities. 140

A. EXPLORE How do you think, feel, and behave when you use this skill? Cognitive Focus: Resolving problems and conflicts _____________________________________________________________ Emotional Focus: Feeling good about personal choices _____________________________________________________________ NAction Focus: Selecting a proactive strategy for solving problems IO_____________________________________________________________ UTB. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Decision Making. IB_____________________________________________________________ R_____________________________________________________________ ISTC. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Decision Making. D_____________________________________________________________ RBENEFITS:____________________________________________________ O_____________________________________________________________ T FD. LEARN Describe how to learn Decision Making. NO_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ E.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ 141

TEI LEADERSHIP SKILL: POSITIVE INFLUENCE De inition Positive Influence is a behavioral reflection of self-empowerment, interpersonal, and goal achievement skills. It is a set of personal and goal-directed behaviors that create consensus and momentum and gain the active support of others. Positive NInfluence results from a self-directed, internal process that is grounded in positive IOself-esteem, guided by clear personal values, and observable in proactive, self- Tconfident behaviors. It is a cumulative set of behaviors that are observed by others Uand evaluated as valuable and meaningful directions to follow. IBYou are an effective leader when your relationships with others are Rcharacterized by honesty, trust, empathy, integrity, dependability, and a respect for Tdiversity. The energy, excitement, and commitment to a purpose necessary to ISdevelop these relationships come from the emotional mind. In a sense, Positive DInfluence is a process that reflects a person’s ability to model emotionally intelligent Rbehavior. A person demonstrates harmony (congruence) and wisdom (good Ojudgment) by integrating the experiential and cognitive systems. Refer to Exhibit F7.4. for additional views of Leadership. NOT7.4 142 f

Exhibit 7.5 is an emotional skills model for Positive Influence. As you can see, the Positive Influence skill is connected to many of the other important emotional intelligence skills and competency areas—it is an interactive set of skill behaviors. Effective leaders create a climate that facilitates Positive Influence by knowing, understanding, and respecting the needs, characteristics, values, and goals of others. 7.5 NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 143

Communicating respect and genuine caring to others is the essence of Positive Influence. When combined, these skills support the Leadership competency area. TEI LESSON 10: POSITIVE INFLUENCE STEP A Self-Assessment: Explore Read each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most Often (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– number combination. ION1. When I really feel strongly about something, I can influence a group to agree. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 T2. I make a strong and positive impact on most of the Upeople I meet. IB3. I am persuasive without taking advantage of others. M=2 S=1 L=0 R4. I feel comfortable approaching a person with the idea Tof selling her something. IS5. When a group that I am in needs a spokesperson, I am M=2 S=1 L=0 usually elected. D6. I can “take charge” of a situation when required. M=2 S=1 L=0 OR7. I am a convincing and believable person, and my Ffriends often ask me to “talk to” someone for them. M=2 S=1 L=0 T8. My friends involve me in solving their problems. M=2 S=1 L=0 NO9. I am a good leader. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 10. I have an ability to help others solve problems. M=2 S=1 L=0 11. I positively affect others just by being myself. M=2 S=1 L=0 12. I put others at ease in tense situations. M=2 S=1 L=0 Stop and add your score. (Max. score = 24) Enter Total Score => Transfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. 144

STEP B Self-Awareness: Identify Positive Influence is a skill that enables you to positively lead and work well with others. Effective leaders influence others in positive ways. RIBUTIONSTEP C ISTSelf-Knowledge: Understand Positive Influence DAs an emotional skill, Positive Influence means providing momentum and direction Rfor others in ways that are valued and respected. Self-Esteem, Assertion, Empathy, Oand Positive Influence skills influence the emergence of leadership behaviors within Fus. Leading others to achieve positive and meaningful goals is a by-product of Tbelieving in ourselves, sharing our thoughts and feelings assertively, and taking the NOinitial risk to move in personally valued directions. Positive Influence is a highly valued and respected skill—manipulation and coercion are absent. One leads best by behavioral example. The results of Positive Influence are clear when the directions taken lead to an increase in achievement and satisfaction that benefits those who followed, as well as the one who led. STEP D Self-Development: Learn Self-assertion is basic to leadership and necessary for self-empowerment. Assertive communication lets other people know how you think and feel. Self-assertion 145

begins with claiming your power. As a person, you have basic rights. Following are a few rights that some people consider important in assertive communication. Review the list and discuss them with your classmates. Are you comfortable with these rights? COMMUNICATION RIGHTS (ASSERTION) I have the right to say what I really think and feel about any issue. I have the right to disagree. I have the right to say “no” to a request that another person makes of me. I have the right to be angry and express it in a way that does not hurt me or anyone else. NI have the right to ask for what I want. IONext, make a list of the personal rights that you want to claim when UTcommunicating with others. Leadership requires that you positively influence others IB—a process that begins only after you have claimed your strengths as a person and started to communicate with others in honest and direct ways. TRImportant personal rights that I want to remember when talking to others are: DIS_______________________________________________ R_______________________________________________ OT FOSTEP E NSelf-Improvement: Apply and Model Positive Influence involves accepting responsibility for the things that you want to accomplish and doing what is right for you. Developing this ability also requires that you become active, not reactive, and develop your own vision (map). Self-awareness, visioning, and action goal setting are key skills that allow us to create meaningful personal direction and stay true to the course we have chosen. Self-awareness allows us to plan our actions and develop proactive behaviors. Visualization taps our creative potential and forms a picture of what is possible. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal 146

Change (1989), Stephen Covey called this process “beginning with the end in mind.” Begin to practice the Leadership competency skills by developing a vision statement (a personal philosophy) that sets forth what you value and consider to be important behavioral guidelines. Develop a vision statement that is unique and meaningful to you. Include your most important beliefs and clearly state your personal vision. Use short declarative statements that you can control. Personal Vision Statement _______________________________________________ N_______________________________________________ IO_______________________________________________ UT_______________________________________________ IB_______________________________________________ TR_______________________________________________ IS_______________________________________________ NOT FOR D_______________________________________________ A. EXPLORE How do you think, feel, and behave when you use this skill? Cognitive Focus: Positively affecting and influencing others ______________________________________________________________ Emotional Focus: Feeling good about personal leadership _____________________________________________________________ Action Focus: Using mentoring and coaching to provide positive influence 147

_____________________________________________________________ B. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Positive Influence. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Positive Influence. _____________________________________________________________ BENEFITS:____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ D. LEARN Describe how to learn Positive Influence. N_____________________________________________________________ IO_____________________________________________________________ TE.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. IBU_____________________________________________________________ R_____________________________________________________________ R DISTLINK TO NEXT CHAPTER OA constructive choice and decision is — Lead with transformative emotional Fintelligence. Life experiences are influenced by four interacting factors of beliefs, Tthoughts, emotions, actions in four essential affective skill domains. NOBelieving in positive development of self and others, a defining quality of TEI leadership. Thinking reflectively and constructively in leading self and working with people. Feeling as we employ strategies that show respect for others and build trust through the words we choose and our actions. Behaving by understanding, applying, and modeling key skills, strategies, actions that are authentic and inspirational in working with others in leadership capacities. 148

Now, we focus on managing achievement motivation with career and life skills. The next chapter covers the Self-Management competency area and discusses three important emotional intelligence skills—Drive Strength, Commitment Ethic, and Time Management. The Drive Strength and Commitment Ethic skills are closely related to the Leadership competency discussion and are essential for high levels of academic and career achievement. Effectively managing your schedule to fulfill your obligations and responsibilities in a timely manner is one of the most visible emotional intelligence skills. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 149

NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 150

CHAPTER 8 TEI SKILLS OF THE SELF MANAGEMENT DOMAIN DRIVE STRENGTH, COMMITMENT ETHIC, AND IONTIME MANAGEMENT UTPREVIEW IBhis chapter highlights the skills that are central to the behavior of high- Rachieving, productive learners who learn to motivate themselves by setting T Tmeaningful personal goals, managing their time and resources, completing ISassignments, and and becoming flexible and adaptable in response to unexpected Ddemands and changes. Effective self-management is the key to high levels of academic, life, and career success. ORThe ensuing discussion’s most important message is that accepting responsibility Ffor your own learning and your own success is the first step to improving your Tachievement. A conscious decision to be the best person that you can be is within the Odomain of the cognitive mind. The emotional mind provides the energy to achieve Nyour goals and sparks the happiness that results from doing something important to you—and doing it very well. The Drive Strength skill incorporates energy from the emotional system and re- quires that you develop the ability to set clear and meaningful personal goals. The ability to motivate yourself, focus energy, and achieve goals is an initial step toward personal excellence. Commitment ethic is the closure skill that many people fail to develop. The emotional outcome of this skill is experienced internally as pride and observed externally as dependability. The increasing demands and rapid changes characteristic of an Internet- connected world require a level of productivity and personal resilience beyond normal 151

levels. As people respond to the increasing work demands of the 21st century, Self- Management skills become more essential. The ability to remain flexible and open to change requires cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills. The ability to confront problems, go through emotions, and change behavior is extremely important to personal well-being and physical health. TEI SELF MANAGEMENT SKILL: DRIVE STRENGTH UTIONDe inition IBDrive Strength is reflected by goal achievement—it is your ability to complete TRmeaningful goals that give you personal satisfaction and positive feelings. Im- ISproving your ability to achieve goals involves learning a specific process called action goal setting that you can apply and practice on a daily basis. See Exhibit 8.1 Dfor more information on the importance of Drive Strength as an emotional Rintelligence skills. NOT FO8.1 152 f -

TEI LESSON 11: DRIVE STRENGTH STEP A Self-Assessment: Explore Read each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most Often (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– number combination. 1. I set specific goals for my life and career. M=2 S=1 L=0 2. When working at a task, I evaluate my progress M=2 S=1 L=0 periodically and obtain concrete feedback from my M=2 S=1 L=0 Nsupervisor. M=2 S=1 L=0 IO3. When involved in a task, I never think how I will feel M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 if I fail. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 T4. When working on a committee, I like to see that plans M=2 S=1 L=0 Uare followed through efficiently. M=2 S=1 L=0 IB5. I prefer things to be challenging (involving the risk of L=0 failure). L=0 R6. At work, I spend most of my time and energy on L=0 ISTimportant projects. L=0 7. I willingly undertake challenging projects that involve L=0 L=0 Dthe risk of failure. R8. I set daily goals for myself. O9. I think more about success than failure when Fbeginning a new task. T10. Despite the uncertainty of the future, it pays to make plans. NO11. When proceeding with a difficult task, I think of all of the available resources so that I successfully M=2 S=1 accomplish the task 12. I feel my present work is satisfying. M=2 S=1 13. When working on a difficult task, I am aware of and M=2 S=1 try to improve personal weaknesses that may interfere with the task’s successful completion. M=2 S=1 M=2 S=1 14. I prefer projects that require an intensive effort or M=2 S=1 long-term commitment. 15. Planning activities in advance does not take the fun out of life. 16. I can keep my mind on a task for a long period of time. 153

17. I do not give up easily when confronted with a M=2 S=1 L=0 difficult problem. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 18. On work projects, I would rather work with an expert in the field than with a friend or someone I know. 19. I stick to a job even when I do not feel like it. 20. I finish things that I start. M=2 S=1 L=0 21. I set priorities and meet objectives effectively. M=2 S=1 L=0 L=0 22. I have more than enough energy to get me through the M=2 S=1 L=0 day. L=0 L=0 23. I am an achiever. M=2 S=1 24. I have a strong desire to be successful in the things M=2 S=1 M=2 S=1 Nthat I set out to do. IO25. When I begin a difficult task, I am motivated more by the thought of success than by the thought of failure. TStop and add your score. (Max. score = 50). UEnter total here => RIBTransfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. DISTSTEP B NOT FORSelf-Awareness: Identify 154

STEP C Self-Knowledge: Understand Drive Strength Setting and accomplishing meaningful personal goals on a daily basis is one of the most important skills for positive mental health and productive living. People experience depression and a general loss of energy when their lives do not contain meaningful behaviors and feelings of accomplishment. Goal achievement is a personal skill that creates positive feelings about yourself and your behavior. When a person stops doing the things that are personally important (fun, interesting, exciting) and is not feeling good, she says, “I have lost my drive.” Drive Nis not something that you lose or find. You create a strong drive by establishing clear IOgoals that are congruent with your important values and beliefs, and then you are supplied with energy from your emotional mind. UTThe most important aspect of action goal setting is defining your own values IBand beliefs—what is important to you as a person. Your goals must fit your values Rso that the accomplishments lead to positive feelings. We have all learned to set Tgoals that involve what we should do. When we spend all our energy doing only ISwhat we should or must do, we usually end up feeling tired, sad, and empty. Action Dgoal setting (meaningful activity) is a sure way to change boredom and depression, Rand it is a way to keep ourselves happy and feeling good. FOWhen a person establishes a meaningful personal goal, he is being active, not reactive. This is one of the keys to positive mental health. For example, if you wait Tto have a good day, the wait is sometimes a long one. Goal setting is a process that NOensures that good things will happen on a particular day because you accept responsibility for setting and accomplishing the behaviors that let you feel good that day. Action goal setting helps a person learn that she can direct and focus energy to accomplish behaviors that are satisfying. This process builds feelings of self-control and reminds you that you can exercise choice in your behaviors. When you want to feel better, happier, or healthier as a person, you must start doing more things that you really like and value. Each meaningful goal that you set and accomplish builds your self-esteem and self-confidence. 155

STEP D Self-Development: Learn To select a goal that you want to accomplish, to feel good about, you must first determine what you value. Ask yourself what you value most. What is most important to you? Honesty? Success? Independence? Relationships with others? Being a better friend? Freedom? Achievement? Kindness? Loyalty? In the space provided, describe an important goal that you believe you can achieve. The goal you select should fit your most important personal values. Goal Statement. The most important goal that I can accomplish to feel better is: ION_______________________________________________ T_______________________________________________ IBU_______________________________________________ R_______________________________________________ IST_______________________________________________ OR DSTEP E T FSelf-Improvement: Apply and Model NOAs you begin to practice action goal setting, use the following checklist as a guide for each goal you set. 156

IONA. EXPLORE How do you think, feel, and behave when you use this skill? TCognitive Focus: Achieving goals that are personally meaningful IBU______________________________________________________________ REmotional Focus: Feeling better about my achievements IST_____________________________________________________________ DAction Focus: Choosing goals that fit my personal values R_____________________________________________________________ FOB. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Drive Strength. T_____________________________________________________________ NO_____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Drive Strength. _____________________________________________________________ BENEFITS:____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ D. LEARN Describe how to learn Drive Strength. _____________________________________________________________ E.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. _____________________________________________________________ 157

TEI SELF MANAGEMENT SKILL: COMMITMENT ETHIC NDe inition IOCommitment Ethic is an emotional skill reflected by the ability to complete tasks, Tassignments, and responsibilities dependably and successfully. People with a high IBUlevel of Commitment Ethic skill are inner-directed, self-motivated, and persistent when completing projects, regardless of the difficulties involved. Commitment REthic is a dedication to task completion that produces excitement and pride, not ISTfatigue and sacrifice. Additional thoughts about the importance of the Commitment Ethic skill are outlined in Exhibit 8.2. NOT FOR D8.2 158 - f

TEI LESSON 12: COMMITMENT ETHIC STEP A Self-Assessment: Explore Read each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most Often (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– number combination. 1. I am considered a dependable person. M=2 S=1 L=0 N2. When something has to be done, people turn to me. M=2 L=0 IO3. I have often worked day and night on projects to meet S=1 L=0 Ta deadline that I have agreed to or set for myself. M=2 S=1 L=0 4. I have a strong sense of right and wrong for myself, S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 IBUand I behave accordingly. S=1 L=0 5. When a group that I am in needs a spokesperson, I am M=2 S=1 L=0 L=0 Rusually elected. L=0 IST6. L=0 When I decide to do something, I carry through and do M=2 L=0 it. D7. I do not procrastinate. R8. In almost any area that I try, I really do well. M=2 FO9. I am a “hard worker,” even when I am not supervised. M=2 S=1 T10. People admire my ability to accomplish what I set out M=2 S=1 Oto do. M=2 S=1 M=2 S=1 11. Even when I encounter personal difficulties, I Ncomplete assignments and obligations. 12. I rarely fail at anything that I consider important. M=2 S=1 Stop and add your score. (Max. score = 24) Enter Total Score => Transfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. 159

STEP B Self-Awareness: Identify Commitment Ethic is a Self-Management skill that enables you to manage yourself in life and work. To be successful, satisfied, and happy, you must learn to make commitments and complete projects in a dependable manner. RIBUTIONSTEP C ISTSelf-Knowledge: Understand Commitment Ethic R DThe Commitment Ethic skill has an internal cognitive component (a promise to Oyourself) and an observable behavioral component (consistent completion of Faccepted responsibilities). People often accept responsibility for things they do not Treally want to do or care about; punish themselves for being a failure, bored, and Ounmotivated; and feel guilty about not having done what they did not want to do in Nthe first place. A good way to understand the skill’s importance is trying to make yourself do something that you do not really want to do. Trying is the tyrant “should” of the cognitive mind, and “want” is the energetic and playful companion of the emotional mind. If you are true to yourself and set meaningful personal goals, your ability to commit will emerge and push you toward completing the goal so that you can enjoy feeling happy and proud of your accomplishment. Commitment Ethic is the inseparable companion of high achievement and personal excellence and is an extremely important predictor of personal achievement and satisfaction. It arises from a core value held by a person who becomes the best he can become and commits to excellence in all phases of life and 160

work. The skill is observable as dependability and persistence—the person on whom you can count to do what she says and do it extremely well. STEP D Self-Development: Learn Commitment Ethic is an inward promise to do what you say, finish what you start, and be proud of what you produce. It is fueled by purpose and emotion. To strengthen your Commitment Ethic, you have to establish, accept, and dedicate your energy and effort to completing meaningful goals. IONYou have the potential within you to do many things very well. The key to improving this skill is to focus and direct your energy and effort toward completing Tgoals that increase your self-esteem and create a feeling of pride when they are IBUaccomplished. RValue clarification and decision making are prerequisite skills for increasing Tyour Commitment Ethic. Directing energy and effort toward goals that you do not ISvalue leaves you empty of feelings and fatigued. We can all complete tasks that we Ddo not care about or value. The feeling produced by completing these “should do” Ror “must do” goals is more often relief than pride T FOSTEP E NOSelf-Improvement: Apply and Model As a way of increasing and strengthening your Commitment Ethic, inventory your most important achievements of the past. Everyone has this positive history— memories of times and events when we felt proud, special, and positive. List three positive achievements (events) from your past that produced feelings of pride and self-appreciation, and then describe any important values represented by each achievement. Positive Achievements 1. _______________________________________________________________ 161

2. _______________________________________________________________ 3. _______________________________________________________________ Important values represented by my achievements. 1. _______________________________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________________________________ 3. _______________________________________________________________ Using this information from your past, set three new goals. These goals should be ones that will produce results that bring you positive feelings and a sense of pride. N1. _______________________________________________________________ TIO2. _______________________________________________________________ U3. _______________________________________________________________ IBCommit yourself to completing these goals by a specific date as a way to Rexperience the rewards of an increased Commitment Ethic. Check for hesitations. ISTDo not commit to goals that you do not value. Decide which goal has the highest priority for you now. Complete that one first, and enjoy the benefits of your energy. DIt is a mistake to speak of dedication as a sacrifice. Every man knows that Rthere is exhilaration in intense effort applied toward a meaningful end. NOT FO JOHN GARDNER Cognitive Focus: Finishing what I start __________________________________________________________ Emotional Focus: Feeling good about getting things done 162

_____________________________________________________________ Action Focus: Choosing behaviors true to personal values and standards _____________________________________________________________ B. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Commitment Ethic. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Commitment Ethic. _____________________________________________________________ BENEFITS:____________________________________________________ N_____________________________________________________________ IOD. LEARN Describe how to learn Commitment Ethic. T_____________________________________________________________ IBU_____________________________________________________________ RE.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. IST_____________________________________________________________ D_____________________________________________________________ T FORTEI SELF MANAGEMENT SKILL: TIME NOMANAGEMENT 163 -

De inition Time Management is the learned ability to organize tasks into a personally productive time schedule and use time effectively to complete the tasks. Effective Time Management is the ability to actively manage time instead of responding to the demands of time. Learn to treat time as your friend, as shown in Exhibit 8.3. 8.3 DISTRIBUTIONTEI LESSON 13: TIME MANAGEMENT RSTEP A FOSelf-Assessment: Explore OTRead each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most Often N(M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– number combination. 1. I organize my responsibilities into an efficient M=2 S=1 L=0 personal time schedule. M=2 S=1 L=0 2. I set objectives for myself and then successfully complete them within a specific time period. 3. I plan and complete my work schedule. M=2 S=1 L=0 4. If I were being evaluated on job effectiveness, I would M=2 S=1 L=0 receive high ratings in managing my workday. 5. I waste very little time. M=2 S=1 L=0 164 f

6. I know exactly how much time I need to complete M=2 S=1 L=0 projects and assignments . M=2 S=1 L=0 7. I am an efficient and well-organized person. 8. I effectively manage my time and do not procrastinate. M=2 S=1 L=0 9. I am among the first to arrive at meetings or events. M=2 S=1 L=0 10. I am on time for my appointments. M=2 S=1 L=0 L=0 11. I am able to work effectively on several projects at the M=2 S=1 L=0 same time with good results. 12. I control my responsibilities instead of being controlled by them. NStop and add your score. (Max. score = 24) Enter Total Score => M=2 S=1 TIOTransfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. IBUSTEP B NOT FOR DISTRSelf-Awareness: Identify STEP C Self-Knowledge: Understand Time Management Time Management is a Self-Management skill that enables you to manage yourself in life and work. To be successful, satisfied, and happy, you must learn to view time as a valuable resource and use time effectively. 165

Positive mental health and productive living require that we actively manage our responsibilities within time restrictions. An important by-product of good Time Management is a feeling of self-control—we are managing our responsibilities, not being managed by them. In essence, effective Time Management is self-managed and self-directed behavior that allows us to accomplish daily tasks with less effort and emotional intensity. Your goal in developing effective Time Management skills is to achieve self- direction in your behavior that leads to balance and harmony in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When your behavior is self-directed, you experience a feeling of self-control and mastery when responding to the demands of daily living. Our research and experience in academic and corporate settings has shown that Nthe behaviors related to effective Time Management are absolutely essential to IOsuccess and personal well-being. Productivity, the completion of assigned tasks and Taccepted responsibilities, and the achievement of meaningful personal goals are Udirectly related to your ability to complete tasks within a specified time frame. The IBTime Management behaviors that you will explore now are “musts” for academic Rand career success. If your cognitive mind represents them as “shoulds,” your Temotional mind will let you know what it would like to do instead. Use self- ISassertion to remind yourself that you are willing to accept the responsibility for Ddoing the task because you want to be successful. RRemember that effective time management is self-managed and self-directed Obehavior that allows you to accomplish daily tasks efficiently and with minimum Fstress. Nothing stirs up the emotional mind more than trying to make yourself do Tsomething that you really do not want to do. This struggle is usually described by NOthe word procrastination. Procrastination is the “dark side” of effective Time Management. Most of us have heard our internal voice whisper such things as “let’s play now, and work later” or “I do not feel like doing that now; there will be time tomorrow.” By now, your increased level of self-awareness lets you know that the emotional mind always prefers pleasure to pain. Personal well-being (happiness, peace of mind, and self-confidence) requires that you actively manage and complete your responsibilities with good results. This is especially important when you face a task or assignment that you do not want to do. If you wait for the emotional mind to signal its approval to start, you are in for a long and conflicted struggle. Effective Time Management has a cognitive component that tells us that action in the present is a better choice than setting up an 166

internal battle of the “should” and the “want” and ending up disappointed and angry about poor performance. “Just do it” is a good self-statement in this situation. Be sure to let your emotional mind know that as soon as you finish this unpleasant task the two of you will have some real fun to celebrate the victory. STEP D Self-Development: Learn Effective Time Management means more control and balance in your life, more spontaneity, flexibility, and freedom in living. Increased self-control and effective Time Management begins with planning. Planning involves bringing the future into Nthe present and deciding what you are willing to do about it now. When planning, IOyou must decide what the important objectives are in your life and then establish Tpriorities every day in relation to these objectives. Most of what we do on a daily Ubasis is done by habit. Your attitude toward things you do and the time you take to IBdo them is a consistent pattern of thoughts or a habit. Your thoughts influence your feelings and your feelings influence your behaviors. TRThe first step in learning effective Time Management is to examine your ISthoughts about time and its value. Think about Time Management as self- Dmanagement. You can learn how to better manage yourself so that you can do more Rthings that you want to do and spend less time struggling over what you have to do. OHow you choose to spend time can lead to good feelings and accomplishment or Ffatigue and boredom. OTTime is highly personal, and we all get the same amount each day. Each of us Nuses these hours the way we want, and how we choose to spend our time determines the quality of our lives. As you plan your time on a daily basis, you should list your goals and prioritize them by deciding which goals are most important. When you accomplish personally meaningful goals, you experience positive feelings. You can improve the quality of your life one day at a time by achieving goals that allow you to feel that your time has been used effectively. 167

STEP E Self-Improvement: Apply and Model Set aside 15 minutes (early morning or evening). List 10 important personal goals that you want to accomplish during the next few months. Focus on personally meaningful goals that you can accomplish in about 2 weeks. 1. _______________________________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________________________________ 3. _______________________________________________________________ 4. _______________________________________________________________ N5. _______________________________________________________________ IO6. _______________________________________________________________ UT7. _______________________________________________________________ IB8. _______________________________________________________________ R9. _______________________________________________________________ IST10. _______________________________________________________________ DNow, prioritize the goals by placing an A by the most important, a B by those NOT FORsecond in importance, and a C by those that are the least important. 168

After you have used the checklist for your chosen goal, complete the process with the remaining nine goals. Are your goals realistic? Can each goal be completed within the next 2 weeks? If your answers to these questions are “yes,” you are ready to begin the necessary work to achieve the goals. A. EXPLORE How do you think, feel, and behave when you use this skill? Cognitive Focus: Getting important things done on time N_____________________________________________________________ IO_____________________________________________________________ UTEmotional Focus: Feeling good about how I use time IB_____________________________________________________________ R_____________________________________________________________ ISTAction Focus: Choosing healthy ways to manage myself D_____________________________________________________________ R_____________________________________________________________ FOB. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Time Management. T_____________________________________________________________ NO_____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Time Management. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ BENEFITS:____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ D. LEARN Describe how to learn Time Management. _____________________________________________________________ 169

_____________________________________________________________ E.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice. _____________________________________________________________ LINK TO NEXT CHAPTER Career and Life Management skill sets are critically important to your success, health, and well-being personally and professionally. Goal achievement, personal standards of excellence, and intelligent self-direction strive to achieve meaningful Ngoals and positive results that are important to you. It’s really dif cult to imagine IOhow anyone achieves success without achieving goals on a continuing, daily basis. TPerson-centered learning requires creating, setting, achieving. Goal achievement is IBUimportant to monitor, review, and change for daily, short-term, longer range Rplanning and achieving ISTOur learning adventure moves to an Active Planning Model to pull PERL skills into a clear focus for continued development. We offer this chapter as an example Dof how we develop and use TEI Action Planning to build a foundation of excellence Rwith the key skills of the four affective learning domains. Our adventure in FOdynamic personal learning strives to develop a positive life, satisfying career, and a Thealthy, happy, productive balanced emotional mind. Living and working NOeffectively in the 21st century depend on building key transformative EI skills, competencies, behaviors, and strategic thinking to be the best version of you. Positive contributions of your emotional mind and skills-based transformative EI learning guide us with a proven model of positive change — from Explore to Apply and Model. Pathways of engaged learning are presented to achieve personal excellence, healthy change, intelligent direction, and positive in uence with key skills, behaviors, and strategies. You can use the Action Planning Model many times to clarify and focus on continuous growth, development, motivation, and change. 170 lf .if

CHAPTER 9 ACTION PLANNING FOR A POSITIVE CAREER AND LIFE TEI ACTION PLANNING GUIDE TIONPREVIEW Uhe Action Planning Guide provides you with a brief, goal-focused plan for IBself-directed coaching and developing EI competencies, skills, behaviors, T Rand strategies. Intelligent self direction is achieved with specific learning Tpathways to guide your energy and focus on positive growth and development. Your ISaction planning guide is based on the Emotional Learning System© and follows its Dfive step process. We begin with a review of the TEI skills based on the 13 lessons you have completed. FOREMOTIONAL SKILLS PROFILE TThe TEI Lessons you completed in Chapters 5 through 8 were based on our flagship NOpositive assessment instrument for education, the Emotional Skills Assessment Process® (ESAP®). The 10 skills and three problematic indicators assessed by the ESAP® are grouped within the four EI domains of Intrapersonal knowledge and skills, Interpersonal knowledge and skills, Leadership knowledge and skills, and Self Management knowledge and skills. Transfer (you may already have done this) your total scores from Step A. Self- Assessment: Explore for each of the transformative emotional intelligence lessons to the Emotional Skills Profile on the following page. Each of the 13 emotional intelligence skills and problematic indicators on the profile has a series of numbers to the right of each scale. These raw scores show where your total scores on each scale should be marked. For example, if your total score on Assertion is 24, you will 171

place a dot or circle that number. If your exact score is missing, just write it in about where it should appear in the sequence NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION If you want to see how your score compares with those of first-year college students, look at the Standard Scores at the top of the profile. The score of 35 on Self-Esteem would be equal to a standard score of 50. Your Self Esteem score of 35, therefore, would be in the average or expected range when compared to those of college students. Skill scores to the right (Enhance) indicate your perceived strengths. Skills scores to the left (Develop) indicate skills to learn and practice. High scores on Aggression, Deference, and Change Orientation indicate potential problems and the need for skill development. Aggression needs to be converted to the emotional skill of Anger Management, Deference needs to be 172

converted to the emotional skill of Anxiety Management, and Change Orientation needs to be converted to the emotional skill of Positive Change. Accurate and current self-knowledge is powerful. Emotional learning and emotional intelligence skills use a person’s internal frame of reference as the basis of the learning process. Positive Change is an intentional, self-directed process that is supported by emotional skills and commitment. Two steps make change positive and personally meaningful: obtaining important and useful emotional knowledge about Self, and developing emotional skills that guide and support lifelong emotional learning. NAction Planning to Improve Emotional Skills IOStep 1: EXPLORE IBUTLearning Pathway I – Know and fully understand the 4 major competency sets of transformative EI. Use Exhibit 9.1 to rank 1-4 your competency sets from your Rstrongest (1) competency currently to your weakest (4) competency set. Reflect and ISTdecide how you rank your EI competencies. R DEXHIBIT 9.1 | RANK ORDER YOUR EI COMPETENCY SETS FOYour TRank Order EI Competency Set NOIntrapersonal – Self Esteem, Stress Management, Positive Change Interpersonal – Assertion, Aggression Control, Anxiety Control Leadership – Social Awareness, Empathy, Decision Making, Positive Influence Self Management – Drive Strength, Commitment Ethic, Time Management 173

Step 2: IDENTIFY EI Skill Competencies to Enhance and Change Learning Pathway II You gained valuable personal data points and self knowledge to actualize your growth needs using Exhibit 9.1. Now, use your EI Skills Competencies ranking to assist you in responding to the statements below. Currently my strongest EI competency set is:______________________________. To enhance this competency set strength even further, zero in further. Specifically, I would like to become more skilled in how I _______________________________. In like manner, currently, the competency set ranked lowest (need to change and improve the most) is: _________________________________________________. IONNow, try to be more specific. I would like and need to become more skilled and confident in how I ___________________________________________________. UTNext, using Exhibit 9.2, check your EI skills from your own perspective. Reflect IBand ask yourself about each of the 13 EI skills. Which are current strengths? RConversely, which skills would be helpful to change? DISTEXHIBIT 9.2 | IDENTIFY STRENGTHS AND SKILLS TO CHANGE ORThirteen Essential Skills FSelf Esteem Current Strength Need to Change NOTStress Management Yes No Yes No Positive Change Yes No Assertion Yes No Anger Control/Management Yes No Anxiety Control/Management Yes No Social Awareness (Comfort) Yes No Empathy Yes No Decision Making Yes No 174

Positive Influence Yes No Drive Strength Yes No Commitment Ethic Yes No Time Management Yes No Step 2: IDENTIFY EI Skills to Enhance and Change Learning Pathway II – Using your positive assessment results, go through Nreflective thinking and see how you rate your self below. IOCurrently, my two strongest EI skills are: T1. ___________________________________________. IBU2. ___________________________________________. RRead the definition of each EI skill (see Definitions at the end of this chapter). Then ISTdefine each one in your own words. D1. _______________________________________________________________ R2. ________________________________________________________________ FOIdentify and record the EI skill that you most need to learn, develop, or strengthen? T3. __________________________________________ NORead the definition of this EI skill, and then define it below in your own words. __________________________________________________________________ Step 3: UNDERSTAND Learning Pathway III – Now use your active imagination to solidify your understanding of the three skills you have identified. 175

How are your two strength skills valuable or beneficial when you currently apply them? 1. ________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ 2. ________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ List the most important benefits you would receive if you fully develop the third TEI skill (the skill you need to change the most). 3. ________________________________________________________________ N_______________________________________________________________ IOAs you develop your understanding of these skills, and transition to learning Tthem in the Step IV, consider the following resources to develop and build your Uaction learning plan. Review the following: RIBConstructive versus destructive thinking and the ve thought domains for Thealthy and positive being presented in Chapter 3. ISTEI Tenets, the positive philosophy of TEI, and the TEI hallmarks D(Enduring Qualities) presented in Chapter 4 RThe balancing nature of TEI and practical Emotional Learning System© FOframework, presented at the end of Chapter 4. TStudy and Review Materials (books, journals, & articles) NOCollegial Associations, EITRI Institutes, Conferences, Coaches, Mentors, Other Resources Add your own resources here: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 176 if

Step 4: LEARN AND DEVELOP Learning Pathway IV – Remember the EI-centric strategies to develop and improve skills are through active imagination, self-directed coaching, emotional mentoring, and focused personal goal setting for achievement with transformative EI. What resources will I use to help me learn the EI skill I have chosen to develop? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ NMy mentor/coach for learning this EI skill will be: IO________________________________________________________ IBUTStep 5: Apply AND MODEL TRLearning Pathway V – To apply easily and effectively in different situations that ISare important, and especially when strong emotions are involved, requires considerable practice. We often mention the need and value in using the ELS daily. DJust know that mastery level learning is similar in nature to developing your talent. RAs Malcolm Gladwell (2008) concluded, developing mastery takes time (10,000 Ohours or more!) of deliberate practice. Using ELS and other transformative EI Fstrategies, you could work and achieve the generally accepted threshold established Tby Gladwell and others. A ‘personal scientist’ would consider and accept this NOchallenge. I will work on learning and applying this skill for the next __________ months. I will revisit my Action Learning Guide for further skill exploration on ______________________. EI skills are intentional positive habits that you learn to improve your productivity, career/life success, and healthy, personal well-being. Additionally, we benefit when we practice and then refine our skills, behaviors, and strategies when confronted by the many situations in life and work. We must learn to adjust and adapt when dealing with and managing ourselves in different environments, with different people, and with the varying levels of strong emotions of anger, fear, and 177

sadness. We seek success, health, well-being, satisfaction, and happiness with transformative emotional intelligence. Skill De initions Self Esteem is the learned ability, belief, and skill to view self as positive, competent, and successful in achieving personal goals. Self Esteem is reflected in genuine self confidence, a high regard for self and others, and self worth. Stress Management is the learned ability to deal with and manage effectively the pressures and stresses of daily living. Learning to identify personal stressors and Ndeveloping specific strategies to manage change and difficult circumstances is IOrequisite to healthy and successful living. TPositive Change is the learned ability to know how and when to change, adapt, Uand adjust in positive directions and ways. Positive Change is an emotional skill IBcontrasted to the potential problem indicator of Change Orientation, which is an Rindicator of dissatisfaction with current EI skills and an indication of the need to Tchange. DISAssertion is the learned ability to clearly and honestly communicate personal thoughts and feelings to another person in a comfortable, direct, appropriate, and Rstraightforward manner. Assertion is a key emotional skill essential for developing FOand maintaining strong, positive, and healthy relationships. TAnger Management is the learned ability to recognize, control, and manage your Oanger when emotions are high and/or conflict is possible. Anger management helps Na person to diffuse anger situations and anger in others by remaining calm and skilled during times of stress and pressure. Assertion is the key skill to intentionally try to use when the threat of anger is present. In particular a low key assertive response coupled with the personal leadership skill of empathy is a positive strategy to use. Using assertion with empathy takes practice and more practice because anger is so strong, demanding, and too often verbally aggressive. Anxiety Management is the learned ability to recognize, control, and manage your fear or anxiety of communicating when emotions are uncomfortable, too strong, and misunderstanding is more likely to occur. Anxiety management helps you to diffuse your own reluctance (fear) to communicate when matters are 178 f

important to you. Keeping feelings inside when you would like to be able to say something is not so helpful. If used often and on a regular basis, deferring behavior becomes passive, ambiguous, and communication is problematic. Remaining calm on the inside and being able to communicate with skills when the emotion of fear is involved is a positive approach to use. Assertion is the key skill to intentionally learn and use. Using assertion with empathy is a skilled strategy to develop, strengthen, and enhance. Practice to prepare for situations involving your uneasiness and fear in communication, especially in matters important to you. Comfort/Social Awareness is the learned ability to judge appropriate social, emotional, and physical distance in verbal and non-verbal interactions with others and to impact and influence others in positive ways. The skill of Comfort requires a Social Awareness. IONEmpathy is the learned ability to accurately understand and constructively respond Tto the expressed feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and needs of others. IBUDecision Making is the learned ability to plan, formulate, initiate, and implement effective problem solving procedures. TRPositive In uence is the ability to positively affect, persuade, influence others, ISand in general make a positive difference when working with others. DDrive Strength is the learned ability to effectively direct personal energy and Rmotivation to achieve personal, career, and life goals. FOTime Management is the learned ability to organize tasks into a personally Tproductive time schedule and use time effectively for task completion. NOCommitment Ethic is the learned ability to complete tasks, projects, assignments, and personal responsibilities in a dependable and successful manner, even in difficult circumstances. LINK TO NEXT CHAPTER With your TEI Action Planning Guide completed, reviewed, and reflected upon, you are now ready to continue your learning adventure into a final capstone learning chapter. We encourage you to use the ELS to further discover, build, and fully achieve higher learning and skills-based constructs of personal excellence, resilience, and growth motivation with PERL skills. Our work points to 179 fl

Transformative EI skills as being important in so many ways to effectively and healthily navigate the 21st century and beyond. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 180

CHAPTER 10 PERSONAL EXCELLENCE, RESILIENCE, AND MGROOTWIVTAHTIONIBUTIONTRANSFORMATIVE EI SKILLS FOR THE 21ST TRCENTURY AND BEYOND DISPREVIEW Rnderstanding and applying the Emotional Learning System© is a Obeginning step in developing personal excellence, resilience, and growth. U FIf you persist in your efforts to develop and enhance emotional intelligence Tskills, they can make a lasting and very positive difference in your life. You are NOresponsible for deciding how much effort to put forth to realize your personal goals. We each make choices daily that either move us toward problematic interpersonal interactions and relationships or move us toward excellence. FUTURE GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT As we near the end of our current learning adventure, we nd ourselves at an intersection inviting re ection and constructive decisions to continue charting and guiding your personal and professional growth. Basic, primary emotions in uence how you express emotional behavior and how you embrace experiential learning for a more positive, hopeful, optimistic life and career. Improving self-knowledge, 181 lflfif

using constructive thinking, and fully developing key PERL skills increase our abilities to achieve resilience, growth motivation, well-being, and positive change. Experience and facilitate a con uence of learning with transformative skills, strategies, and behaviors. Build, strengthen, and enhance your life and career with a foundation of personal excellence. A solid and sound foundation empowers you to grow with new learning and development starting from the inside (building quality from within) We invite you to pause, re ect, and constructively decide to practice and intentionally gain the value of experiential learning from your adventures encountered on the road less traveled … strive to encounter and master the dynamic covert curricula of life IONThink Constructively, Act Wisel TBecome a personal scientist and continue growth and development with Upositive higher learning pathways of transformative emotional IBintelligence. Practice, apply, and re ne key skills, behaviors, and Rstrategies with your own self-de ned, self-directed personal science Tcurriculum. Build and re ne self-knowledge and resilience with skills ISand attitudes of personal growth motivation, well-being, and positive Dchange. Improve relationships with social-emotional learning skills Rand effective communication. Enhance your skills of in uence and leadership with a commitment to personal standards of ethics. Improve FOgoal attainment and achievement with intelligent direction of your Tcareer and life NOLearning from experience is a good teacher and provides daily opportunities for self renewal and positive change. The human brain learns best with care, acceptance, empathy, respect, trust, challenge, and adaptive behavior. Remember a secret lesson for life. We may know… and value PERL skills … and still not use them when it matters most. We all need a practical process to change self-defeating, self-destructive thoughts, and habits with skills-based solutions and positive habits. Begin to set at least one meaningful (behavior) goal each day, every day. You change your emotional mind by applying re ection and constructive thinking daily Remember that emotional learning is different from cognitive learning. Research teaches the value of learning emotional intelligence skills and how to intentionally change your emotional mind. Active imagination, self-directed 182 .lf .lfififif y .lf .lf

coaching, emotional mentoring, and skills-based transformative emotional intelligence are the new strategies for your “EI tool kit” A PERSONAL EXCELLENCE ACTIVITY Use the short inventory provided below to estimate your progress toward Personal Excellence. Read each of the success behaviors below and indicate whether the statement is True (T) or False (F) for you now. _____ I write down clear personal and work-related goals to guide my achievement. _____ I can quickly calm myself when something upsets me. _____ I feel a harmony between who I am and what I do. _____ I am comfortable when meeting new people. N_____ I organize my daily responsibilities into an effective personal time schedule. IO_____ I am committed to developing my full potential as a person. T_____ I am a good decision maker. U_____ I am con dent in my ability to successfully perform tasks assigned to me IB_____ I have a good ability to really listen to another person and accurately Runderstand what he is feeling T_____ I am a dependable person. IS_____ I can hold my own and effectively deal with persuasive people. D_____ I face problems rather than avoid them. _____ I am optimistic when I think about what I will accomplish in my life and Rwork. FO_____ I can refuse a request from an important person when my values say no. _____ I have developed the skill to picture my goals clearly in my mind’s eye. T_____ After experiencing a stressful event, I have a routine to minimize its effect. NO_____ Visualizing my important goals creates positive feelings for me. _____ I know how close I can stand to another person without making her uncomfortable. _____ I complete my daily responsibilities within speci c time frames. _____ I form and keep very close friendships with several people _____ I make decisions quickly with good results _____ I achieve positive results from my work efforts. _____ I manage myself well when dealing with the emotions of others. _____ People turn to me when something really needs to get done. _____ I can control my own anger when someone is really upset with me. _____ In a problem situation, I generate several alternatives and effectively evaluate options. 183 . . if . .if .

_____ I value myself and my contributions to life and work. _____ When dealing with important issues, I am direct and honest in saying what I think or feel. _____ When working toward a goal, I regularly evaluate my progress and obtain feedback from others. _____ I write down speci c strategies to help me achieve my goals. _____ I do not spend time or energy worrying about things that I cannot control. _____ My inner Self is pleased with the goals that I have set. _____ Other people nd me easy to talk to. _____ I complete my work assignments on time. _____ I am trustworthy and I can comfortably depend on myself. _____ I have established a personal process for making important decisions. N_____ I know my strengths as a person and can use them fully when needed. IO_____ I can ask questions without making the other person defensive or uncomfortable. T_____ I set and accomplish speci c goals daily. IBU_____ I will work day and night to complete a project that I have agreed to do. _____ I do not get manipulated into doing things I do not want to do. R_____ I am a good problem solver IST_____ I accept responsibility for my choices and actions _____ I ask directly for what I need and want from others. D_____ I challenge myself by setting goals that lead to high levels of achievement. R_____ I use positive thoughts and images to expand my beliefs about my ability to Oattain high goals. F_____ I have learned relaxation skills and practice them daily. T_____ I feel worthy of receiving the bene ts from the goals that I have set. O_____ I get along very well with people. N_____ I can focus on what I need to do and waste no time. _____ My behavior is positive and self-af rming. _____ When I face a dif cult decision, I am good at creating alternatives and making a priority choice. _____ I view failure as an important lesson from which to learn. _____ I am a good listener. _____ I have a strong and clear sense of right and wrong for myself, and I behave accordingly. _____ I can express my anger constructively when I am mad at someone. _____ When problem solving, I know how and when to seek feedback from others. _____ I am very con dent in my abilities as a person. 184 if if if if . . if if if