Transformative Emotional Intelligence for a Positive Career and Life

CHAPTER LINK Destructive emotions like anger, fear and sadness get attention because of their connection to behaviors like violence, anxiety and feeling deflated. These potentially harmful emotions are the ones most often experienced in reactive responses to distress. Helpful stress (eustress) is related to positive emotions. Our goal is to increase positivity and decrease negativity in our daily lives. Learning and integrating one empowering skill with another creates a stronger bond of learning and especially true for emotional skills. Using two or more related skills together interact to strengthen and enhance emotional learning. Learn one key emotional skill which has a positive influence, and you enhance the development of another skill. For example, learning to effectively use the skill of empathy enhances Ndeveloping assertion and leadership skills. IODeveloping a healthy, productive, happy mind is achieved with learning key Tpersonal, emotional, relational, life (PERL) skills. Learn to relax, calm yourself Uwith positive emotions, focus on exploring and building key skills of life and career IBeffectiveness. Move on to discover a series of skills to build, improve, and apply to NOT FOR DISTRachieve a positive life and career. 35

NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 36

CHAPTER 3 CONSTRUCTIVE AND CREATIVE THINKING HOW WE THINK – NOT WHAT WE THINK Nife’s changes and transitions create challenges that we all face as we grow, L IOdevelop, and strive to achieve our best version of self. From school to college Tto work to career, we encounter many issues and challenges in our life. Our Uemotions are with us throughout our daily experiences and new journeys. Making IBeffective transitions, adapting to new and changing conditions create new Ropportunities to grow and develop, as well as overcome obstacles and barriers. TMeeting these changes with more positive, effective, constructive, and creative ISpathways of thinking is needed for high achievement and healthy being. This Dchapter presents information and learning processes to review, reflect, and consider Ras you move from where you are now into your future life and career. Thinking Oconstructively helps you contemplate and plan how you can create and build a Fpersonal model for achieving a healthy, productive, and happy mind. Significant Tworks of Seymour Epstein, PhD, are presented and illustrated within the education Oand learning framework of transformative emotional intelligence to achieve life and Ncareer excellence. We had the good fortune for opportunities to know Sy Epstein and his work with constructive thinking and personality theory. Epstein presented an invited keynote and featured program at our 2008 Institute for Emotional Intelligence at South Padre Island, sponsored by South Texas College and Texas A&M University- Kingsville. He also conducted a special program and workshop for our professional colleagues and graduate/doctoral students in Corpus Christi, Texas. Our colleague, Darwin Nelson, maintained communication with Dr. Epstein and conducted research using his Constructive Thinking Inventory (CTI) and our TEI assessments. He also provided an invited article for our inaugural volume of the International Journal of Transformative Emotional Intelligence (Epstein, 2012). We respect and 37

acknowledge the positive contributions of Dr. Epstein and apply his constructive thinking model in our emotional learning systems. Indeed, his measures of constructive thinking have been shown to be strongly and significantly related to TEI PERL skills and strongly and significantly negatively related to our measures of problematic behaviors. We discuss TEI PERL skills and problematic behaviors in later chapters of this book. The focus of this chapter is to introduce you to constructive thinking as a process to learn and use every day. Transformative emotional intelligence is an engaging, dynamic learning process to develop constructive thinking. Personal excellence is operationalized as a positive, striving to achieve learning model with constructive thinking and key TEI competencies and skills. We share how we created personal excellence inspirations and use them as examples that are Nmeaningful and motivating to us. We encourage you to incorporate a similar IOprocess to explore and identify models you see and learn from your education and Texperiences in life. IBUTHINK CONSTRUCTIVELY AND BEHAVE WISELY TRIn our book for teachers and learners (Nelson et al., 2015), we noted important ISconnections between constructive thinking with our learning framework of transformative emotional intelligence. We shared the following, R DOur research and experience support the need for students and teachers to Ounderstand, on personal and meaningful levels, the positive contributions of the Femotional mind. Seymour Epstein’s seminal research, theory, and integration Tof experiential learning with human behavior parallels and is consistent with Oour transformative theory of emotional intelligence and emotional learning. N(pp. 101) In fact, based on our research on the relationship between Epstein’s model of constructive thinking and our own measures of emotioinal intelligence, we operationalize TEI as the learned ability to think constructively and act wisely! That short sentence provides a quick, easy to remember definition of emotional intelligence! Enjoy a learning adventure to apply constructive thinking with PERL skills. Epstein (1998) shared a practical example of constructive and destructive thinking that provides insight into how predisposed thinking patterns manifest in either negative (destructive) or positive (constructive) potential for our relationships. We use his example in our TEI certification workshops and we think 38

it’s worth repeating here for you. Look at Exhibit 3.1. Observe the events sequentially from left to right and note the problematic feeling states caused by preconscious thoughts (bold) and preconscious internal dialogues (bold italics) within the destructive thinking sequence. The hypothetical event triggering this sequence was that you greeted a co-worker, Mary, with a warm “Good morning”, but Mary did not acknowledge your greeting. EXHIBIT 3.1 | DESTRUCTIVE (PRECONSCIOUS) THOUGHTS/DIALOGUES ISTRIBUTIONWhat do you think … is there an alternative to thinking destructively and creating difficult feelings for your self? Now review Exhibit 3.2. NOT FOR DEXHIBIT 3.2 | CONSTRUCTIVE (PRECONSCIOUS) THOUGHTS/DIALOGUES Note: Adapted from Seymour Epstein’s Constructive Thinking: The Key to Emotional Intelligence (1998, Praeger). Reproduced with author's permission. Now, revisit Exhibit 2.6, the basic psychological change process on page 24. Of the three elements that make up the human psyche (thoughts, beliefs, and 39

values), which did Epstein focus on for positive change? Right, thoughts and how we think! The choice we make between the intentional learning of constructive thinking and reactive modes of destructive thinking show how thinking affects our behavior. Epstein (1998) said essentially, when you think constructively, you’re emotionally intelligent and when you don’t, you aren’t. In addition, he stressed that, once you learn constructive thinking and bring it into your awareness, it is hard to go back to automatic, destructive thinking. For us, this is one important aspect of the EI dimension self-awareness. Each of us is responsible for how we feel, and how we feel is a choice. With this example, we hope our short definition of transformative emotional intelligence becomes even more clear and meaningful. Transformative emotional intelligence is the learned ability to think constructively and act wisely. TIONFOUR WAYS OF THINKING UCritical, Experiential, Constructive, and Visual RIBWhat separates humans from other animal species? For us, humans are Tdifferentiated by their ability to reflect. As a member of the human species you are ISuniquely able to visualize a future that does not yet exist and bring it into being by Dyour goal-directed actions. Reflective visualization enables self-awareness, self- management, social awareness, motivation, and healthy relationships. These are all Rimportant aspects of transformative emotional intelligence. How you think may be FOmore important than what you think. The ELS uses four ways of thinking to help you develop constructive thinking and wise behavior. OTCritical thinking lets us evaluate and analyze an event or experience so that we Ncan form a judgement. It is important to use rational processes for academic and career decisions. Critical thinking is linked to traditional intellective and information collection, is taught in schools, and it is important to understand and use. Experiential thinking is an equal or stronger part of Constructive Thinking. Rational (i.e., Cognitive) and Experiential systems are essential for transformative emotional intelligence. Emotional experiencing and thinking are essential elements for learning and life excellence and, not taught as well in schools. Experiential thinking is quick, automatic, and prompts us to immediate action. Emotional responses can be thought of as experiential thoughts or signals. 40

Constructive thinking is a two minds (Cognitive + Experiential Systems) process that is essential in learning and life excellence, and not generally taught in schools. Constructive thinking is intricately connected and integrated with transformative emotional learning and is a relatively new construct entering the forefront of empirical research, and holds promise for enhancing problem solving by extending critical thinking to include experiential thinking. Constructive thinking is defined as a reflective and active learning process that values experience, integrates different ways of knowing (reason, imagination, intuition, & emotion), builds caring relationships, and creates options for intentional behaviors. You can teach yourself to consciously respond to the events and circumstances in your life in a much more productive way that works for you rather than against you. Within this process lies the basic foundation for constructive thinking and Nemotionally intelligent behavior. Constructive thinking is a way of thinking IOconstructively about your world and environment. So instead of reacting to these Tevents, you choose to interpret and then respond to them in ways that will support Uyour growth and development while minimizing friction with the external IBenvironment. Constructive thinking is crucial to good judgements and effective Rdecision making. TVisual thinking (images, pictures, visuals, association) is important in so many ISways to achieve success and healthy well-being. Many achievement indicators and Dhigh levels of performance use the psychology of visual imagery. Visual thinking is Ryour scanner that integrates critical, experiential, and constructive thinking. OThinking visually allows you to collect information and data from your Fenvironment, from people, and from your own experience. Appropriate Tinterpretation with constructive thinking helps you make more effective decisions Oand solve problems. Knowing how to think constructively, will enable you to make Nsense of this information without jumping to rushed conclusions or assumptions. Moreover, thinking constructively will allow you to remove your emotions from the equation, which will help you to think more clearly and effectively throughout the visual thinking process. Visual thinking provides a dynamic learning method to enhance performance (sports psychology) and other skill improvements. Visual thinking with no or few words enable you to be creative at interpreting and fully understanding how to master a specific performance area important to you. To understand constructive thinking, it is essential to understand emotions first. Many people feel that their emotions are a way in which they automatically react to circumstances. To them, an event happens, and then this event triggers emotions (review Exhibit 2.6). While people are aware that it is possible for them to control 41

their emotions, as well as the ways in which they express them, many of them feel that there is no way for them to stop the emotions from occurring. For instance, when most people are treated in a manner which to them is unfair, they will react with anger. Once they become angry, they can decide whether or not they want to showcase this anger. One thing that most people don’t realize is that their emotions are affected by the manner in which they see the circumstances, not the circumstances themselves. In this lies the basic foundation for constructive thinking. The way you think and the things you think about is the person you will become. In other words, you are what you think. Constructive thinking should be thought of as a way in which you think constructively about the world around you. Understanding constructive thinking on a personal level is important to apply daily and in informal and difficult Nproblem areas needing positive solutions. IOInstead of allowing yourself to react to the events that occur in your life, you Twill first learn to interpret these events. The key to constructive thinking is IBUunderstanding that interpretations often will have an influence on your emotions. RWhile it is true that our feelings affect our thoughts, the reality is that our Tthoughts shape our feelings. The distinction between thoughts preceding emotions ISand emotions preceding thoughts is that one is more conscious (feelings affect Dthoughts), while the other is more preconscious (thoughts affect feelings). RSeymour Epstein of the University of Massachusetts researched the thinking Ostyles of highly successful people. The most interesting survey result was the fact Fthat super achievers think differently than average achievers. Dr. Epstein found Tnine key differences: NO1. Super achievers think in ways that make them less sensitive to disapproval and rejection. They brush off rejection faster. 2. They think in ways that facilitate effective action. 3. Their thoughts are more focused on the task at hand and they refuse to let their minds drift to unpleasant events of the past. If they cannot do anything about a negative situation, they do not worry about it and they move on with their lives. 4. They do not engage in superstitious thoughts. 5. They think that failures are an important source of learning and refuse to equate failure with low self-worth. Thinking constructively saves them from wasting time and suffering psychological pain. 42

6. They do not restrict their thinking by establishing rigid patterns. They do not divide others into \"winners\" and \"losers,\" but accept people for who they are as individuals. 7. They think thoughts through without jumping to false conclusions. They are able to see their actions and the world in a healthy and realistic perspective. They are optimists, yet think realistically. 8. They welcome challenges with optimism and without fear. When they face difficulties, they find ways to look at the positive side of life. 9. They do not waste time in unproductive, esoteric, or catastrophic thoughts. They think constructively and they know that their level of thinking determines their level of success. NBy taking the time to train your experiential mind, you can greatly enhance and IOdevelop your emotional intelligence. The problem with IQ is that it has been too Theavily emphasized in our culture. While IQ has its role in society, it also has many Ulimitations, and until recently these limitations were not properly addressed. RIBRe lective Question: TWhat is the di erence between IQ, EQ, and EI? DISThere are many skills and abilities that successful people develop to achieve well-being. Like Epstein, our research and experience support the view that Rconstructive thinking is the key to emotional intelligence. FOThe emotional mind communicates through pictures and makes sense out of the Tworld through apprehension rather that comprehension. Laughter is the voice of the Oemotional mind and it is playful, creative, colorful, musical, artistic, and Nspontaneous. A non-hostile and healthy sense of humor has been long recognized as an important characteristic of healthy personality. The Grant Study at Harvard University has followed and interviewed a group of highly gifted and potentially successful men for a lifetime, the major question headlined was, “What makes us happy? The general conclusion voiced by the director of the study for the past four decades, George Valliant, was that relationships are the key to happiness and happiness is love (see Mineo, 2017). 43 ff f

FIVE THOUGHT DOMAINS How we think is known and valued. We may become what we think, so we need to change how, not what we think. In TEI philosophy and theory of human development, we invite and encourage you to truly become and be your best self, exemplified by personal excellence. Become the person you value and respect the most by developing constructive thinking supported by PERL skills, strategies, and behaviors. PERL skills are empowering in dynamic ways. For example, the skill of Self Esteem works like a thermostat and influences how you direct and focus your energy. Below are five thought domains important to transformative emotional intelligence learning and emotional learning systems. Thought Domain #1. Each person is unique with a subjective picture of self and Nthe world. It is important to acknowledge that we are mortal and life is finite. IOMistakes are inevitable. What is needed is the learned ability to think constructively about our past, present, and future. Accurate self-knowledge enables us to realize Tour imperfections and work toward positive change. IBUThought Domain #2. A one-brain, two-minds paradigm facilitates an important, Rdual process way of understanding what healthy thinking looks like. This paradigm Tis key to life, performance, and leadership excellence. The two minds (Cognitive & ISEmotional) are necessary for achieving career success, health, well-being, and Dinspirational leadership. The two minds work best when balanced and attuned. Balancing your cognitive and emotional minds leads to equilibrium and Rconstructive behavior choices. Review Exhibit 2.3. Change is ongoing and FOcontinuous process; it helps to remember change happens all the time. Change is an Timportant part of life. We all need to rebalance and achieve equilibrium to healthily Odirect, manage, achieve, and fully develop the key TEI skill of Positive Change. NThought Domain #3. Independence is important; however, interdependence is a higher order value and essential to achieve personal success, satisfaction, and happiness. Relationships with self and others are that important. It is helpful to think of yourself as “we” rather than “me” or “I”. Each individual is an interactive system of energy of mind, body and spirit, and we are one not three. Healthy intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships are essential to personal excellence. Healthy spirituality (relationships beyond self) can be an important or essential factor in life and satisfaction. Thought Domain #4. The emotional mind is the lead system. The emotional mind influences behavior, and behaviors affect personal satisfaction, emotional adjustment, relationship quality, and life. Understanding emotions; both yours and 44

those of others, is a key to work, life, and leadership excellence. Understanding how your emotional mind works and appreciating its positive contributions is a worthwhile personal science study for creating accurate self-knowledge. Learning to manage, regulate, and control your emotions is essential for health, well-being, satisfaction, and happiness. Thought Domain #5. Transformative emotional intelligence learning is key to our success, personal wellness, and well-being. Intelligent self-direction empowers our lives and careers with intra-personal growth and development, healthy and productive relationships, self-leadership with ethics, effective self-management, and continuous learning. Discussion question: NWhich dominant thought resonates with you and why? TIOThe importance of creative and constructive thinking for achieving a positive Ulife, career, and personal well-being is supported through research, experience, and IBstudy. PERL skills, behaviors, and strategies integrate and connect with higher Rlearning pathways, such as self-awareness, congruence, resilience, mindfulness, Tintelligent self-management, personal discoveries of excellence, and others. ISAs constructive thinking was becoming an important element of transformative DEI learning and development, we discovered and created a model of inspirations Rwith personal excellence. As individuals were inspired to exemplify excellence O(personal and professional) by using rational and experiential thinking to infuse FPERL skills into their daily life and work, they inspired us, too. They motivated us Tto strive to a practical model of TEI wisdom for everyday work and life. In 2007, Owe created the Personal Excellence Award to present at our Fourth Annual Institute Nfor Emotional Intelligence and selected Margo Murray and Rick Hammett to receive awards one and two, respectively. Since then, an annual awards ceremony for Personal Excellence has been a special addition to the annual institute and conference. Individuals receiving the Personal Excellence Awards are announced and celebrated yearly. Our journal, the International Journal of Transformative Emotional Intelligence, published by EITRI (see www.eitri.org), includes the names and brief bios of colleagues receiving Personal Excellence Awards. 45

CHAPTER LINK The next chapter continues with an overview of our emerging theory of human behavior and skills-based learning framework of key competencies and skills. Transformative Emotional Intelligence is used effectively across disciplines by individuals, families, mentors, professional coaches, people in education, business, communities, and organizations. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 46

CHAPTER 4 TRANSFORMATIVE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE A FRAMEWORK FOR POSITIVE CHANGE AND IONGROWTH Trom the beginning of this book, we share a simple, practical definition of F Utransformative emotional intelligence with you — the learned ability to think IBconstructively and act wisely. We make it even simpler to remember with four words … Think Constructively, Act Wisely. Doing that, however, can sometimes be TRchallenging. As our good friend Margo Murray, the Mangers’ Mentor, reminded us ISwe can know and value EI skills, and still not always use them as consistently as we would like (see Beyond the Myths and Magic of Mentoring, 2002). We provide a Dstraightforward, practical definition to help with this challenge. The definition is a Rway to understand what transformative emotional intelligence represents and means Oto you. Research supports these four words and their implicit value to success, Fhealth, well-being. OTOur other longer definition, also from research, consists of four parts (learning Ndomains). Transformative EI is the learned ability of balancing competencies and skill sets to facilitate: (a) enhanced awareness, understanding of current personal and emotional skills, strengths, and areas to develop, strengthen, and enhance; (b) develop and maintain a variety of healthy, productive relationships in life and career; (c) get along and work effectively with others to achieve results and success; and (d) deal with, regulate, and effectively manage everyday stress and pressures daily to improve the quality of life and career. These four parts are integrated, interrelated with an engaging, dynamic learning framework — personal-emotional- relational-life skills. We call this learning process a personal science curriculum and encourage learners to become “personal scientists”. 47

Reflect on the beginning chapters and how they build upon each other to lead to the theory and practice of transformative emotional intelligence. While reflecting, think about the following five points. One: Developing a healthy, productive, happy mind involves active learning and becoming more aware of changes you encounter in life; how a practical, education model of emotions, primary emotions is important; how we can understand emotion effects from a past-present-future timeframe; and lessons we can learn from our hermit crab friend at the beach. Two: Achieving life and career effectiveness involves a skills-based learning framework with a focus on CARE skill themes — Communication, Achievement, Resiliency, Ethics. Three: Sharing creative, constructive thinking as important pathways to effectively understand human growth, development, behaviors, and strategies hold important life lessons. Special attention to Epstein’s major contribution of Nconstructive thinking provides a reminder of the importance of a one-brain two- IOmind approach to healthy personality. Four: Thinking pathways, and five dominant thoughts underpin TEI theory and practice. Five: A life skills model of growth, Tlearning, and change provides a structural foundation to achieve personal excellence IBUwith PERL skills to use and apply every day.. RIn essence, the opening chapters provide exploration, discovery, and knowledge Tfor wholistic understanding that is helpful for creating a more complete education ISfor learning and using transformative EI. These new positive, engaging, education Dlearning frameworks of skills are essential for self-actualizing success, health, well- being, and career aspirations. Now, in Chapter 4, our learning adventures continue Rwith the skills-based learning framework of transformative emotional intelligence. FOExhibit 4.1 reminds us of the value of TEI skills, tenets, and hallmarks to fully learn and develop constructive thinking and be mindful of the tendency to react with NOTdestructive thinking when emotions are strong. TEI is an engaging, dynamic learner centered, relationship focused, skills based, positive change process anchored in observed behavior to build personal, team, and leadership performance. TEI TENETS From research and experience, we have identified the following seven tenets of TEI, which are summarized in Exhibit 4.1. 48

EXHIBIT 4.1 | TEI TENETS ISTRIBUTION1. Applied Philosophy — A positive outlook and life guide, unwavering belief in Dcapacity of the individual and people to learn with reflection and accurate self- Rawareness that are essential for healthy learning and development. O2. Research-derived — Combining TEI and Epstein’s work, a new theory of Fhuman development, behavior, and growth motivation emerged within a Tconstructive thinking two-minds, dual processing system (cognitive/rational & NOexperiential/emotional) learning framework. This theory is based on significant corollary research, study, and experience that was decades in the making. 3. Person-centered — A principle that assures the learner is the center and focus of emotional learning and development. Respects, and trusts the individual perspective and directly engages the emotional mind with the Emotional Learning System (ELS), a five-step sequential, integrated, practical model for applying transformative emotional learning. 4. Relationship focused — Relationships are the business of life, and life is the business of relationships. This principle helps to build healthy, productive, satisfying relationships for life and career satisfaction and happiness. Interdependence is a higher order value than independence alone. 49

5. Skills-based — Since 1977 our work has been organized and structured in a personal and life skills learning framework. An affective, personal science curriculum in four emotional learning domains includes (a) Personal/emotional, intrapersonal development; (b) interpersonal development/positive influence/ leadership ethics; (c) career and life skills/intelligent self-management; and (d) personal wellness — physical-mental-emotional health, resilience, renewal. 6. Provides a Positive Change Model — Life is change, and our research-derived, practical learning model is provided to keep change positive. Positive change is included in a growth and development mindset. We all benefit from a practical, straightforward, skills-based positive change model. 7. Intelligent Life Direction — The overarching goal of transformative EI learning is to learn how to lead, direct, apply, and model personal, emotional, relational, Nand life skills essential for life and career success, health, and well-being. UTIOIMPORTANCE OF THE TEI TENETS RIBPositive Philosophy ISTA personal, practical philosophy is important as a grounding foundation for life with a positive outlook and focus. A belief in people’s ability to learn, grow, and develop Denhances your own view of people, diversity, richness of experience, heritage, Rappreciation of differences in strengths, as well as areas to develop, and learn. FOAn optimistic perspective is more important than pessimism. Hope is a positive outlook and perspective of the present and future. Loss of hope is Tdevastating in so many ways. Hopeless and negative views of what tomorrow NObrings are powerful, negating influences that interfere with our daily attitude. Hopelessness moves us in directions of negative outcomes, unintended consequences, uncertainty, and emotional reactivity. Our TEI philosophy is consistent with positive and the humanistic psychologies and their perspectives of people, while emphasizing a practical and easy-to- understand approach for pursuing personal well-being. 50

Research Derived TEI theory is based on decades of research by the original authors, as well as substantive external research projects and doctoral dissertations. These studies support the importance of personal, emotional, relational, life skills, attitudes, and behaviors of transformative EI. Extensive research, major initiatives in education, institutional effectiveness plans, quality enhancement implementations, case studies in mentoring and coaching, scholarly contributions in education, business, organizations, communities locally, nationally, globally have affirmed original research findings and added to the research base. Person Centered NAt the heart and center of person-centered learning is the individual learner in IOdeveloping personal, emotional, relational (social), and life skills. Striving to Tachieve a personal standard of excellence and building quality from within the Uperson is energizing, growth oriented, engaging, and provides a vision and learning IBprocess for individual and team performance. TRThe person-centered perspective ensures learning that includes the sequential ISand interrelated steps of the Emotional Learning System. Active learning starts with D(a) self assessment (exploring) as a beginning step; (b) self awareness (identifying) Rstep of knowing one’s strengths and areas to develop, strengthen, enhance; (c) self Oknowledge (understanding) of essential content knowledge, curriculum elements, Flearning objectives; (d) self development (learning) of key competencies of Taffective learning with practice and rehearsal; and (e) self improvement with NOrefinement, theoretical integration, and key emotional skills. Skills Based An affective science curriculum to learn, fully develop, and use often everyday is essential for career and life success. From the beginning of our original work, key skills within a transformative learning program were identified and described as central to achieving excellence in life, work, and career. And, not just any skill set or general references to the needs to develop skills as a part of academic development. Specific personal, emotional, relational, and life skills for self understanding of key emotional skills, and systematically learning the skills through practice, rehearsal, and applying/modeling the skills for career and 51

life effectiveness. Four major learning domains of affective (emotional) education and skills training dimensions in organizations are included as essential skill sets. Relationship Focused Almost every aspect of life involves and evolves around relationships, and healthy relationships do not just occur because we want them to. Developing healthy relationships and productive teams require a systematic understanding, learning, and application of key emotional skills, behaviors, and strategies. Building a variety of healthy, productive relationships is important to success, personal wellness, and well-being. Effective work and career development evolves around our abilities to accept, Nrespect, appreciate, and work well with people who are different from us. That IOcovers just about everyone else because people are unique with their own history, Trichness of culture, life experiences, heritage, geography, language, and beliefs. IBUEducation generally includes the broad topic of interpersonal development as Rtopics to teach social skills by ages, developmental stages of life, and types of Trelationships from intimacy to everyday work. We believe it’s helpful to learn how IShealthy and productive relationships are developed, maintained, and nurtured. DRemember the key learning skill sets — PERLS of Wisdom — personal, emotional, Rrelational, life skills to explore, identify, understand, develop, improve, apply, and Omodel in everyday life. T FPositive Change NOHaving a research-derived, practical learning model to apply for positive change, growth, development truly is priceless. Many people do not like change, fear change, and even get angry when change occurs or is needed. With research and experience, we created a five-step process model to demystify change and frame change with an engaging system of personal learning- the Emotional Learning System (ELS). Think about a system of personal learning that is practical and guides us with key skills of emotional intelligence. Identifying, understanding, learning, and applying emotional skills help us to be more adaptable, flexible, and make transitions easier, better, and effective. You do not have to change who you are or become a different person. Just improve yourself with a process for positive change. The secret is simple … 52

identify, learn, apply key skills, behaviors, strategies that empower the development of positive habits. When we react with impulsive behaviors, without thinking, we often find ourselves dealing with more challenging situations and unintended negative consequences. Intelligent Self Direction The overarching goal of transformative EI learning is to learn how to lead, direct, apply, and model personal, emotional, relational, and life skills essential for life and career success, health, and well-being. Intelligent self-direction is the most important skill needed in the 21st century. More and more, we have to explore and identify the directions of our life and career, and make positive changes intentionally and proactively. We simply must continue to learn, develop, and Nimprove key emotional skills in the four emotional learning domains of TEI. We IOneed to take time to assess and evaluate our skills and growth needs and strive for Tsuccess, health, and well-being. From experience in life challenges, we know we Uwill encounter difficulties, challenges, stress, and pressure. To effectively address IBthese challenges, there is a real need to do so with integrity, service, personal Rleadership, and standards of ethics that we develop. DISTTEI ENDURING QUALITIES The TEI tenets are expanded with TEI hallmarks; enduring qualities of Rtransformative emotional intelligence. We introduce 12 TEI hallmarks and discuss FOtheir enduring qualities. TTEI IS INTEGRATIVE. A set of competencies, skills, behaviors to learn, use, Oand refine with experience. Skills that are integrated have empowering qualities Ndue to how the skills can be targeted to further develop, strengthen, enhance. In essence, skills utilize effective behaviors that you can practice to improve. Each principle represents emotional data points and knowledge to build effective connections and learning pathways. The principle of integration embeds, infuses key emotional skills to plan and implement skills-based strategies. TEI IS SKILLS-BASED. Balanced 2-mind learning based on Epstein’s Rational and Experiential dual processes and TEI’s Cognitive and Emotional learning processes. Balanced learning is essential to gain the most from both minds. People strive for congruence and strive for an equilibrium among mind, body, spirit. Skills-based learning requires practice and self direction in terms of how we think (constructive), feel (emotional), and behave (action). Central themes for emotional 53

skills-based learning are communication, achievement, resilience, and ethics. The first two TEI hallmarks (Integrative and Skills-Based) are illustrated in Exhibit 4.2. Note that the three ways of learning TEI are by using the skills of Active Imagination, Self-Directed Coaching, and Guided Mentoring. EXHIBIT 4.2 | INTEGRATIVE AND SKILLS BASED NATURE OF TEI R DISTRIBUTIONThe three systems and how EI is learned. FOTEI IS EXPERIENTIAL. The lead system of emotional development and Tlearning is experiential (experience), positive change, personal growth. Emotional NOexperience is another way of knowing about our world. Important to know that purposeful without effective learning can quickly react and turn negative. Learning Point: Skills can be identified, known, valued, and still not be used … requires intentional and guided practice and rehearsal. TEI IS REFLECTIVE. Reflection and creative thinking are needed to regulate emotions and manage change with skills and behaviors. Learning emotional skills is different from learning associated with more traditional models of intelligence. It is important to know that emotional experience without effective learning with key PERL skills can quickly be reactive and turn negative. Reflective thinking about the past; creative problem solving in the present; setting action goals for the future. 54 -

We created the Emotional Learning System to learn transformative emotional intelligence and serve as a problem solution method. TEI IS REFLECTIVE + CONSTRUCTIVE THINKING (Epstein contribution). With reflection and constructive thinking, you reduce quick, impulsive reactive thinking and corresponding behavior. Reflective, constructive thinking is a requisite skill for the 21st century and the near opposite of reactive, destructive thinking. Learning Point: Breaking the negative habit of emotional reactivity is important to grow and develop our best version of self. As we reduce the problems of emotional reactivity energized by strong primary emotions of too much anger, fear, sadness, we learn more effective and empowering strategies to use on a daily basis. TEI IS A WORK IN PROCESS TO BALANCE LIFE AND CAREER. An Ninherent human growth need is to seek and achieve equilibrium, balance, IOcongruence. Important to purposely develop a guiding framework and foundation Tof personal excellence with key emotional skills. As a work in progress, we Urecognize the need to continue learning at each stage of life. Dr. Hank Weisinger IB(2015) reminds us the value of building a personal COTE of Arms (Confidence, ROptimism, Tenacity, Enthusiasm) to perform our best in pressure situations and Thelps in the process of healthy emotional growth and development. ISTEI IS POSITIVE ASSESSMENT. A critical step in emotional learning often Dis missing in courses and programs. Necessary person-centered learning Rperspectives are the first two steps of the ELS (exploring for self-assessment and Oidentifying for self-awareness) to discover current skills and needs with a positive Fassessment. Developing awareness is important for engaged personal learning, Tgrowth motivation, and a dynamic self-directed process. Self-knowledge is NOessential and provides a guiding map for achievement and well-being. TEI IS BEHAVIORALLY ANCHORED. As you embrace transformative emotional learning, you know what others see in you is the behavior you employ and display in daily work and interactions with others. Important to learn as early as possible that our actions are affected by how we think and use our cognitive, rational mind and what we feel on the inside with our emotional, experiential mind. Skills, actions, and attitudes we choose and constructively decide to apply make a difference in our day to day effectiveness and well-being. Positive outcomes are guided by learning transformative EI, setting meaningful personal goals, and applying key skills, strategies, behaviors. 55

TEI IS LIFE MANAGEMENT. Managing our life with key career and life skills, behaviors, strategies are behavioral reflections of higher order thinking and related actions. TEI provides a learning method to create and build your own “EI Tool Box” to help guide your work, life, and service with the tools of constructive thinking, personal excellence, leadership, and PERL skills. With the ups and downs of life, we need key skills, learning pathways to repair damaged relationships, make positive changes, direct our life, career, actions with care and focused goals. We’ve learned a positive life skills model improves opportunity for lifelong learning, helps achieve excellence, a purpose of well-being in a world that changes often and in uncertain directions. TEI EMBRACES OUR BRAIN AS A SOCIAL ORGAN. The many empowering strengths of healthy relationships teach us that interdependence is a Nhigher life value. Research findings in adolescent, adult neuroscience, interpersonal IOneurobiology, brain plasticity, mindfulness, and focused study with key emotional Tand life skills have changed our minds about factors of success, health, well-being, Uand leadership. The social organ principle provides a reasoned approach to thinking IBguided by enhanced awareness, reflection, constructive thinking. RTEI IS A PERSONAL SCIENCE MODEL OF EXCELLENCE. After years of Tresearch and study, TEI is closely aligned to social-emotional learning and a IScurriculum to achieve personal standards of excellence. In the engaging and Dfundamental tradition of person-centered education, an essential ingredient is self- Rdefined, directed learning to intentionally measure and strive for our best self versus Oworst self each day with our daily actions and interactions with others. As such, FTEI is a personal science with a challenging curriculum designed to achieve life and Tpersonal excellence. An overarching goal is simple and straightforward, to Opurposely engage and lead your life with personal, emotional, relational, and life Nskills with intelligent self-direction for immediate and lifelong learning. TEI IS DAILY MODELING. Striving to become and be your best self and model personal excellence everyday is not an easy to achieve process. Overarching goal is to learn, apply key EI skills as a better way to navigate your life and career when you strive to model your best self each day, everyday. A positive, good plan for life is to actively learn, relearn, and refine key TEI skills and related behaviors as a continuing commitment. We will not always be successful; we will encounter, experience setbacks; we will make mistakes; we will sometimes be inconsistent. Resilience and self renewal are transformative learning processes essential for intentionally developing a successful, healthy life and career. A clear focus on TEI skills is a clear and achievable goal you can work to sustain daily. 56

We’ve already mentioned the Emotional Learning System, and now would be a good time to provide an illustration of the ELS model. See if you can identify how the twelve TEI hallmarks are represented in the ELS model provided in Exhibit 4.3. EXHIBIT 4.3 | THE EMOTIONAL LEARNING SYSTEM NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION In the next four chapters, we will take you through each of thirteen emotional intelligence skills and help you consider positive personal change by implementing the ELS within each of four learning domains. The learning domains and connection with learning components and skills are presented in Table 4.1. 57

Table 4.1 TEI Learning Domains Active Learning Skills and Processes 1. Personal Growth, Resilience, Building Veridical model of healthy, productive self Quality From Within, Intra-personal Growth, awareness of personal skills and strengths, Wellness, Positive change, Self-Renewal, skill areas to develop and improve. Adaptability. Reflection of positive, accurate views of self. Constructive thinking /self-development. 2. Emotional-Social Learning. Creating Relational, social development Effective Teams. Respecting Diversity and Communication, skilled interactions, Differences. Emotion regulation and management Healthy, productive relationships Constructive thinking with others Constructive thinking, TEI skills, behaviors, Learning, aligned aspirational goals Opportunity for others, adaptive, flexible Guiding personal ethics, Guide, encourage others, lead with empathy ION3. Leadership-Positive Influence Building Healthy Environments & Learning TCreating Cultures of Success and Health UPersonal Excellence Leadership with Ethics IBApply and Model TEI Skills TR4. Positive Direction in Career/Life ISIntelligent Self-Management Skilled awareness of functional space, proxemics Aligned Personal and Career Goals Constructive thinking and decision making Align personal and career goals DStandards of Excellence Achievement, drive strength, personal FORTeam Development Skills leadership Reflective thinking, listening, all TEI skills OTWe hope you are energized and excited about learning all you can about Ntransformative emotional intelligence PERL skills. A healthy mind, positive life, and successful career are priorities for families, communities, schools, higher education, and society locally, nationally, globally. With the experience of four decades of focused research and study, we strongly advocate for a curriculum integrated with key elements from humanistic-positive psychology, social- emotional learning, constructive thinking, personal excellence, and transformative emotional intelligence. Where better to begin human growth and development than an engaged learning framework with a positive philosophy, theory of human behavior, and foundation of personal excellence? A constructive thought — Create healthy 58

learning environments in all of education and business with vision and purpose to develop and build personal meaning within relationship focused, skills-based strategic thinking, and intelligent direction in life and career. As you continue your adventure in learning with TEI in the remaining chapters, reflect and constructively think how PERL skills and integrated skills-based higher learning pathways could enhance your life and career. We share what we have learned about a positive model of human development, practical change, and self- knowledge to include cognitive and emotional learning. With purposeful, active learning, we share with you positive, skills-based affective domains, knowledge points, and a new, creative learning system to build a foundation of personal excellence with the Emotional Learning System. Positive assessment and designing teaching for student learning have developed: NResearch derived curricula integrated and aligned with social-emotional IOlearning, human development education structured around transformative emotional intelligence skills, behaviors, and strategies; UTTraining and human development programs for transformational leadership, IBbalanced life-work-career, intra-and interpersonal effectiveness, people skills, positive change; TRA professional coaching framework with key personal-emotional-relational-life ISskills blended with constructive and reflective thinking to guide personal and Dprofessional development; RA positive model for parents, grandparents, and teachers to consider using in Otheir ‘first teacher’ roles with young learners and service in schools and Fcommunities; TSelf-directed learning with PERL skills to guide self and others through the NOEmotional Learning System and lifelong learning. CHAPTER LINK As capstone learning exercises, reflectively think how the chapters build on each other in a flexible, sequenced, interrelated process. With a thorough background, study, and review of the engaging learning and life skills framework of transformative EI, you are now ready to continue your learning adventure with the four major domains/dimensions of affective learning with skills-based curricula for families and people in education, organizations, and communities. 59

NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 60

CHAPTER 5 TEI SKILLS OF THE INTRAPERSONAL DOMAIN SELF ESTEEM, STRESS MANAGEMENT, AND IONPOSITIVE CHANGE IBUTPREVIEW his chapter begins the discussion of the four competency areas and the skills T Rrelated to each area. As you work through and complete this chapter and the Tones that follow, remind yourself that emotional intelligence skills are intentional IShabits—not fixed traits. Each chapter is a self-directed process that we have Dstructured to help you explore, identify, understand, learn, and apply and model specific emotional intelligence skills. As an emotionally intelligent individual, you Rknow that personal, academic, and career excellence results from lifelong learning Oand positive change. We start with intrapersonal skills because learning the habit of Ftreating your self with kindness, care, and respect is a foundation competency for Ttreating others that way. OEach section in Chapters 5 through 8 follows the same format; a discussion of Nthe skill, a TEI Lesson, and an exercise. Constructive thinking allows you to be imperfect (as all humans are), make mistakes, and remain positive in your evaluation of Self. None of us wants to fail or make serious mistakes, and the risk of failure is always a part of high achievement. What we say to ourselves (self-talk), how we explain our behavior, and what we do to improve our behavior all have a significant impact. This chapter introduces the Intrapersonal competency area and discusses its three emotional intelligence skills —Self-Esteem, Stress Management, and Positive Change. The primary focus of this chapter is to heighten your awareness about your value and worth as a person. Your level of self-esteem is a reflection of your current 61

assessment of how you are doing in the world. Remind yourself that you can change and improve any thought, feeling, or behavior that becomes problematic or self- defeating. This hopefulness and optimism about your ability to change and improve is basic to positive self-esteem. The attitudinal components of optimism—positive self-worth and self- confidence—are closely related to the effective management of high levels of stress. You must positively value Self in order to see the value in learning alternatives to self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors. Many high-achieving and competent people damage their emotional and physical health by choosing not to learn and practice stress-management strategies. Intense levels of emotion and self-defeating behaviors can damage your mental, Nas well as physical, health. Positive stress management requires a number of IOinterrelated emotional skills. Stress is unavoidable and has many sources. Identifying personal stressors, learning to change self-defeating thoughts, and Tpracticing daily relaxation techniques are primary stress-management strategies. UTake the time to learn and practice a stress-management strategy daily—not because IByou have to or should, but simply because you are valuable and want to live a long Rand healthy life. NOT FOR DISTINTRAPERSONAL SKILL: SELF ESTEEM Definition Self-Esteem is the ability to view Self as positive, competent, and successful. Positive Self-Esteem is the foundation for achievement and a general sense of well- being. It is developed and maintained when one experiences success after effectively dealing with Self, others, and the demands of life. Self-Esteem serves as a thermostat of how we direct, focus energy, and change. Review Exhibit 5.1 for additional insights about Self-Esteem. 62 -

5.1 RIBUTIONTEI LESSON 1: SELF ESTEEM ISTSTEP A DSelf-Assessment: Explore ORRead each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most FOften (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– Tnumber combination. NO1. I am a cheerful person. M=2 S=1 L=0 2. I am satisfied with my family relationships. M=2 S=1 L=0 3. My daily life is full of things that keep me interested. M=2 S=1 L=0 4. I am an important person. M=2 S=1 L=0 5. My feelings are not easily hurt. M=2 S=1 L=0 6. I am trustworthy, and I comfortably depend on myself. M=2 S=1 L=0 7. I don’t seem to care what happens to me. M=0 S=1 L=2 63 -

8. I am a self-confident person. M=2 S=1 L=0 9. I easily become impatient with people. M=0 S=1 L=2 10. I like myself, and I feel very comfortable with the way M=2 S=1 L=0 I am as a person. 11. I am afraid to be myself. M=0 S=1 L=2 12. I am excited about myself and the potential that I have M=2 S=1 L=0 to develop as a person. 13. For me, anything is possible if I believe in myself. M=2 S=1 L=0 14. I trust my ability to size up a situation. M=2 S=1 L=0 L=0 15. I would describe myself as a creative person. M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 ION16. I effectively cope with the “ups” and “downs” of life.M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=0 17. I am comfortable revealing my weaknesses to my M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 L=2 Tfriends. M=0 S=1 L=0 IBU18. I am free to be myself and handle the consequences. M=2 S=1 L=0 R19. I feel in control of my life. M=2 S=1 L=0 IST20. I accept my mistakes instead of bothering myself with M=2 S=1 L=0 M=2 S=1 them. D21. I regret many things I have done in the past. R22. I experience novelty and change in my daily life. FO23. I am an open, honest, and spontaneous person. T24. I am regarded by others as a leader. NO25. I form new friendships easily. Stop and add your score. (Max. score = 50). Enter total here => Transfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. 64

STEP B Self-Awareness: Identify Self-Esteem is an Intrapersonal skill that is essential to health, performance, and satisfaction in life and work. Self-Esteem is reflected by a genuine self- confidence, a high regard for self and others, and a sense of self-worth. Draw a circle around or write in your total score on the number line provided below. Read your coaching recommendation under Develop, Strengthen, and Enhance, as appropriate. IONDEVELOP 42 45 48 50 TYou can benefit from Ulearning about and IBunderstanding the Self- Esteem skill. Work Rthrough the lesson to Tfully develop this ISimportant Intrapersonal Dskill. 9 18 23 26 29 32 35 39 STRENGTHEN ENHANCE You currently identify the You are claiming the Self-Esteem skill as one Self-Esteem skill as a that is at an average level of development. You can current strength. Continue to find ways to improve this skill and refine and enhance this make it a strength. important skill. T FORSTEP C NOSelf-Knowledge: Understand Self-Esteem Self-esteem is not a trait or a fixed, stable construct. Positive Self-Esteem is developed and maintained daily by experiencing success after effectively dealing with yourself and the demands of living. It is a by-product of hopefulness and goal- directed behavior. Self-Esteem increases when you: Communicate clearly and directly (Assertion). Establish and maintain healthy relationships (Social Awareness). Accurately understand and accept differences in others (Empathy). Actively confront problems and decide on a course of action (Decision Making). 65

Positively impact others (Positive Influence). Effectively manage yourself and your responsibilities (Time Management). Focus your energy appropriately in order to complete tasks (Drive Strength). Continue to pursue a task to completion (Commitment Ethic). Effectively manage the daily demands of living and working (Stress Management). Accurately identify and effectively express anger and anxiety (Anger and Anxiety Management). Model resilience and self-renewal (Positive Change). Your Self-Esteem centers on your beliefs about your value as a person—your Ncompetence, your goodness, and your worth. The need to have positive (high) Self- IOEsteem is central to human motivation and behavior. Believing that you are a good Tperson, that you can accomplish important goals, and that you deserve the trust and Uacceptance of others is basic to your emotional and physical health. Each time you IBeffectively manage stress, constructively deal with anger, overcome fear, solve a Rproblem, manage your responsibilities, or achieve a meaningful personal goal, you Tbuild positive Self-Esteem. ISAn active (intentional) attempt to understand your thoughts, feelings, and Dbehaviors is the first step to building positive Self-Esteem. An awareness that Rbehavior is what you do and not how you are as a person is necessary before you Ocan accept your mistakes and remain resilient when dealing with personal set-backs Fand failed attempts to accomplish high standards. This awareness of Self and your Tability to form a personal identity with an attached positive or negative value is a Ofactor uniquely human. Negative judgments and rejections of Self are associated Nwith psychological pain and self-defeating behaviors. Positive evaluations— acceptance and affirmation—of Self are associated with good psychological health and productive living. 66

STEP D Self-Development: Learn An active attempt to understand yourself is the first step in developing a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Seeing yourself and your value as a person as being separate from your behavior is an understanding that allows you to be positive. This self-appreciation also affects, in a positive way, how you talk to yourself about yourself (self-talk). Personal Self-Esteem means staying focused on your strengths (positive). This acceptance and acknowledgment of your strengths increases your optimism, Nconstructive thinking, ability to let go of the past, self-worth, and ability to plan a IObetter way to deal with the future. Learning to improve your Self-Esteem requires that you: UTStay focused on your strengths. IBView a weakness as an indication that skill development and change are needed. RApply the Emotional Learning System and experiment with new ways of ISTthinking and behaving. DDemonstrate a willingness to challenge yourself by setting high goals. RAcknowledge and appreciate the positive contributions of the emotional mind. ODevelop self-assertion and positive self-talk. T FIf I accept myself as I am I change. If I accept another person as they are, they change. NO CARL ROGERS STEP E Self-Improvement: Apply and Model Learning to understand and constructively use your immediate experiences (thoughts or feelings) to select productive behaviors is the essence of emotionally intelligent behavior (wisdom). We have all heard that experience is the best teacher. Knowing how to learn from an immediate experience is a key to positive Self- Esteem. 67

Learning from past experiences is a traditional path to wisdom. Using your immediate experiences to learn and change is a key to feeling confident in the present and optimistic about your future. Explore the image in Exhibit 5.2 to see whether the thoughts and feelings it brings about are reflective of your Self-Esteem. To most … experience is like the stern light of a ship, which illuminates only the track it has passed. ~ COLERIDGE EXHIBIT 5.2 | THE MOUNTAIN OF SELF ESTEEM NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION Allow yourself to focus on the image of the mountain. Let the picture reflect your current thoughts and feelings about yourself. Continue to focus on the image and respond to the questions that follow. 1. As I focus on the image, the thoughts that I become aware of are: _______________________________________________________ 2. As I continue to focus on the picture and monitor my thoughts, I am most aware of feelings that I would label as: _______________________________________________________ 68

3. The thoughts underlying or associated with these feelings are: _______________________________________________________ 4. As I continue to focus on the picture and think about climbing the mountain, I think __________________________ and I feel _________________________. Focusing on your immediate experiences allows you to become more aware of the thoughts and feelings that influence your behavior. How do your responses to the image reflect your level of self-esteem? It is important to possess enough greatness of spirit to bear with the mistakes of others ~ I. CHING TIONComplete the following exercise and use it as you develop the Self Esteem Uemotional skill into an intentional habit. IBA. EXPLORE How do you think, feel, and behave when you use this skill? RCognitive Focus: Learning to value myself more IST_____________________________________________________________ D_____________________________________________________________ REmotional Focus: Learning to feel better about myself O_____________________________________________________________ F_____________________________________________________________ NOTAction Focus: Choosing to behave in ways that I respect and value _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ B. IDENTIFY Provide your personal definition of Self Esteem. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ C. UNDERSTAND Describe the importance of Self Esteem. _____________________________________________________________ 69

_____________________________________________________________ List Benefits: __________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ D. LEARN Describe how to learn Self Esteem. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ E.APPLY AND MODEL List ways to practice Self Esteem. N_____________________________________________________________ IO_____________________________________________________________ T_____________________________________________________________ ISTRIBUINTRAPERSONAL SKILL: STRESS NOT FOR DMANAGEMENT Definition Positive Stress Management is the ability to choose and exercise healthy self- control in response to stressful events. This skill requires that you regulate the level of emotional intensity and use cognitive coping strategies during difficult and stressful situations. It is an essential emotional skill for health, performance, and satisfaction. How to focus your thinking, feeling, and behavior to develop and improve stress management are discussed in this section. Exhibit 5.3 offers important insights about the value of honing your Stress Management skill. 70

5.3 Stress IONTEI LESSON 2: STRESS MANAGEMENT IBUTSTEP A RSelf-Assessment: Explore ISTRead each statement, determine whether the statement applies to you Most DOften (M), Sometimes (S), or Least Often (L), and circle the applicable letter– Rnumber combination. FO1. Even though I have worked hard, I do not feel Tsuccessful. M=0 S=1 L=2 M=0 S=1 L=2 O2. I cannot find the time to really enjoy life the way I Nwould like. 3. I am bothered by physical symptoms, such as M=0 S=1 L=2 headaches, insomnia, ulcers, or hypertension. 4. When I see someone attempting to do something that I M=0 S=1 L=2 know I can do much faster, I get impatient. 5. I am a tense person. M=0 S=1 L=2 6. I find it really difficult to let myself go and have fun. M=0 S=1 L=2 71

7. I am not able to comfortably express strong emotions, M=0 S=1 L=2 such as fear, anger, and sadness. 8. If I really relaxed and enjoyed life the way I wanted M=0 S=1 L=2 to, I would find it hard to feel good about myself. 9. Even when I try to enjoy myself and relax, I feel a lot M=0 S=1 L=2 of pressure. 10. I often want people to speak faster and find myself M=0 S=1 L=2 wanting to hurry them up. 11. I am able to relax at the end of a hard day and go to M=2 S=1 L=0 sleep easily at night. L=2 L=2 12. I often feel that I have little control over what I think, L=2 L=2 Nfeel, and do. L=2 M=0 S=1 L=2 IO13. I am unable to relax naturally and tend to rely on other L=2 Tthings (e.g., drugs, alcohol, tobacco) to calm me down. S=1 L=0 IBU14. I feel tense and pressured by the way I have to live. M=0 TR15. My family and friends often encourage me to slow M=0 S=1 ISdown and relax more. M=0 S=1 D16. I am impatient with myself and others, and I am M=0 S=1 usually pushing to hurry things up. M=0 S=1 M=0 S=1 OR17. I am under so much stress that I can feel tension in my M=2 S=1 Fbody. T18. My friends often say that I look worried, tense, or Ouptight. N19. I effectively deal with tension, and I have learned a variety of healthy ways to relax. 20. On the job, I work under a great deal of tension. M=0 S=1 L=2 21. I have been unable to break negative habits that are a M=0 S=1 L=2 problem for me (e.g., drinking, smoking, overeating). M=0 S=1 L=2 M=0 S=1 L=2 22. When I really relax and do absolutely nothing, I feel guilty about wasting time. 23. I have become extremely nervous and tense at times, and doctors have advised me to slow down and relax. 72

24. I seem to continually struggle to achieve and do well M=0 S=1 L=2 and seldom take time to honestly ask myself what I M=2 S=1 L=0 really want out of life. 25. I have developed relaxation techniques and practice them daily. Stop and add your score. (Max. score = 50). Enter Total Score => Transfer your score to the graph in Step B and to the Profile on page 172. STEP B IONStress Management is an Intrapersonal skill that is essential to health, UTperformance, and satisfaction in life and work. Stress Management is reflected by IBthe ability to effectively control and manage stress and strong emotions. Self-Awareness: Identify R4 9 14 19 ISTDEVELOP 39 44 49 24 29 34 DYou can benefit from learningSTRENGTHEN ENHANCE Rabout and understanding the You currently identify the You are claiming the Stress Stress Management skill. Stress Management skill as Management skill as a OWork through the lesson to one that is at an average current strength. Continue to Ffully develop this important level of development. You find ways to refine and can improve this skill and NOTIntrapersonal skill. enhance this important skill. make it a strength. STEP C Self-Knowledge: Understand Stress Management Stress is the unavoidable by-product of the brain’s response to any demand made on it. Positive stress management is a key factor in physical and mental health. We can improve our skill in managing stress by learning to use our “new” brain (thinking) when dealing with stressor events. In other words, we must develop coping strategies for specific stressors in our lives. 73

The “old” brain is capable of only two automatic responses when dealing with a stressor: fight (anger) and flight (fear). These old brain functions are involuntarily learned emotional responses to a perceived threat. The emotions of anger and fear are necessary for physical survival, and they serve protective functions. When the source of stress is psychologically threatening, not physically threatening, we can exercise control over the intensity and duration of our emotional reaction by learning to elicit a relaxation or calming response when faced by a stressful situation. By learning and practicing relaxation, we can improve our ability to manage stress and improve our ability to perform productively and constructively when confronted by a stressor. Excessive hypertension, headaches, and sleep onset insomnia are often related to stress management skill deficits. NSources of stress include our own negative self-talk (intrapersonal), what other IOpeople do or say (interpersonal), and any change (environmental). If we know how Tto elicit relaxation in response to stress, we gain increased self-control over our Uthoughts, feelings, and behaviors. IBHealthy and effective living in today’s world requires the development of Rpositive Stress-Management skills. The emotional intelligence model of a healthy ISTpersonality assumes that anxiety and tension result from an inability to positively deal with intrapersonal, interpersonal, and environmental stress. To develop and Dstrengthen your ability to deal with stress, complete the following five steps: R1. Develop a personal and operational definition of stress. FO2. Identify your present level of the Stress Management emotional intelligence Tskill. NO3. Identify specific sources of stress (personal stressors). 4. Develop specific personal skills to positively manage stress. 5. Implement a creative program of personal Stress-Management in your daily living. Define Stress. For most people living in our society, the major sources of personal stress are psychological, not physical. Hans Selye (1980) briefly defined stress as the nonspecific response of the body to any demand made upon it. When you are required to adapt or adjust to any personal, interpersonal, or life situation, you experience stress. Any intrapersonal, interpersonal, or environmental event may be a personal stressor. 74

At the biological level, the body’s response to stress is the same regardless of the type or nature of the stressor. The intensity of the demand for personal readjustment or adaptation is similar whether the stressing event is pleasant or unpleasant. Stress is a natural reaction to the demands of living and serves good and necessary purposes, but extreme or prolonged stress negatively affects us both physically and psychologically. Once we understand that stress is an unavoidable and necessary by-product of daily living, we can focus our attention on how to recognize our special and unique ways of responding to stress. Identify current Stress-Management skill level. Recall how you scored as you complete the remaining steps. Identify personal stressors. Psychological and physiological stress-related Ndisorders have become a major health problem in our society. Stress-related origins IOmay account for 50 to 80 percent of all diseases. Millions of people in our society are affected by hypertension and millions more have sleep disturbances. Physical Treactions related to stress include ulcers, bronchial asthma, hay fever, arthritis, IBUhypertension, migraine headaches, drug abuse, insomnia, alcoholism, and mental health problems. TRAn individual’s response to stress may be considered normal and adaptive ISwhen the response occurs to a source of stress that is identifiable, specific, and clear D—once a person has reacted to the stressor, she quickly returns to a level of normal functioning. When the source of stress is ambiguous, undefined, or prolonged, the Rindividual does not return to a normal mental and physiological level of functioning. FOInjurious stress reactions result when an individual increases normal stress to an excessive level for a prolonged period of time. OTPersonal well-being, academic achievement, and career effectiveness improve Nwhen a person learns and practices positive stress-management skills. An individual’s reaction to life stressors can cause excessive personal anxiety and tension. The person experiences a loss of self-control. A person who automatically and constantly experiences strong emotions (fear, anger, sadness) and feels little or no personal control over the resulting thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is being damaged by stress. Difficulties with interpersonal communication, excessive and uncontrolled anger, a feeling of being unable to meet personal responsibilities, a perceived inability to make satisfying decisions, and an inability to effectively manage time are characteristics of negative psychological stress reactions. 75

Research has suggested that there is a significant connection between our ability to manage stress and our physical health. Review Exhibit 5.4 and become familiar with the characteristics of positive and negative stress management. 5.4 NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 76

Self-destructive behavior patterns such as overeating, excessive drinking, and drug abuse may be indicative of stress reactions that gradually lead to physical destruction. In the Personal Skills Model, negative or self-destructive reactions to stress are considered indicative of specific personal skill deficits. The person moving toward healthier or skilled behaviors learns and develops new behaviors to positively manage stress. By developing personal skills to positively manage stress, you can learn to alter your reaction to stressors. Physiologically, a person has a system for coping with stress similar to that found in animals. When people are subjected to major stress, they are aroused to a fight-or-flight reaction in the same way animals are. People can rarely deal with stress using the fight-or-flight response, and when they do, these behaviors are usually considered inappropriate in our society. IONA person’s perception of environmental stressors is a complicating factor in understanding human stress reactions. The psychological and emotional Tcomponents of an individual’s perception of an event also generate a physical stress Uresponse. Physiological stress reactions persist and are prolonged by negative IBpsychological states. These prolonged and uninterrupted stress responses can be Rdamaging to your physical and mental health. ISTWhen you experience feelings of being overwhelmed or unable to cope, you are often immobilized by the anxiety caused by stress. A common aspect of stress Dand the resulting anxiety is a feeling of not being able to identify, understand, or Rcontrol what is happening to you. To positively manage stress, you must develop an Ounderstandable and operational model for identifying stressors and clarifying your Fresponse to them. Exhibit 5.5 illustrates a three-part assessment process that you can Tuse to identify your personal stressors. NOPart 1: Identify the stressor event. The first step in identifying a source of stress is to understand and clarify the events that come before feeling anxious, tense, or overwhelmed. Body sensations and emotional reactions do not occur in a vacuum. When you feel tense or anxious, the feelings are reactions to a personal stressor. Part 2: Identify any reactive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors develop between the stressor event and the bodily and emotional consequences. How you talk to yourself (rationally or critically) and how you behave usually determine your emotional reactions. It is your individual perception and interpretation of the particular event. Once you clarify how you are creating your nonadaptive reactions to personal stressors, you can begin to change and control your emotional reactions by changing your thoughts and behaviors. 77

5.5 NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION Part 3: Identify any bodily sensations and emotional reactions. People react differently to identical stressors, and it is important for you to be able to describe and clarify your emotional reactions, as well as assess the level and severity of your stress. Personal stress levels may vary from low to severe, and at times we can be incapacitated by severe stress reactions. 78

Once you understand how you are affected by specific personal stressors, you can learn to use specific Stress-Management skills to generate more adaptive and healthy reactions. STEP D Self-Development: Learn Develop speci ic Stress-Management skills. Exhibit 5.6 lists emotional intelligence components, potential sources of related stress, and recommended coping skills. We will be discussing these applied concepts in this section and throughout this DISTRIBUTION book. 5.6 FOR NOT 79 f

Cognitive restructuring. The complexity of the human brain sets people apart from the rest of the animal kingdom, and humans are often referred to as thinking animals. People are more than curious creatures who go about making things, and most of us spend a great deal of time thinking about what we do or want to do. Most of our waking hours are filled by an endless sequence of thoughts, images, memories, expectations, and plans. What we say to ourselves in the privacy of our own heads makes a difference, and some psychologists have suggested that we are or become what we think. Our cognition (thoughts or mental pictures) plays an important part in our behaviors and emotions. What and how we think influence what we feel and how we behave. Faulty cognition and negative self-talk lead to self-defeating behaviors and nonadaptive reactions to personal stressors. Many nonproductive and severe Nstress reactions are influenced by critical self-talk, perfection goals, irrational IObeliefs, and underdeveloped self-control skills. You can learn to identify and control Twhat you think and then change the content of your thoughts and mental images to Upositively manage a specific stressor. IBThe Stress-Management skill required to change your thoughts and positively Rmanage stress is called cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring places an Temphasis on the creative development of self-statements that are realistic, helpful, ISand related to specific and desired personal behavior changes. It is a self- Dmanagement and self-change skill that allows you to become aware of your thinking Rprocesses, understand the effects that self-statements and beliefs have on your Obehavior and emotions, and learn how to change your reaction to personal stressors Fby having more helpful and rational thoughts. TNonadaptive reactions to personal stressors are directly influenced by what you Osay to yourself (self-talk). If you realize that every event (stressor) in the real world Nis separated from your emotional reactions by thoughts, attitudes, and personal beliefs, you can begin to break up “automatic” responses by changing what you say to yourself—replace negative or self-defeating monologues with more realistic and helpful self-statements. An example of how self-talk can influence an emotional reaction is presented in Exhibit 5.7. The person studying for the exam began to worry about studying the wrong material. This had actually happened in the past and recalling the past experience caused the anxiety to increase. The critical self-statements followed: “I’m stupid” and “There is no use in my studying anyway.” These negative self- statements increased the anxiety and the student behaved accordingly by going to sleep instead of studying. You can positively manage stress by developing more 80

appropriate self-statements. Positive self-statements are helpful because they specify the source of the stress, they are not self-critical monologues that increase anxiety, and they emphasize problem-solving behaviors that reduce the stressor’s effect. Now that you are aware of the importance of your thinking processes and self-talk in influencing your emotional reactions to personal stressors, you can learn to change your strong emotional reactions into milder ones by following the guidelines provided in Exhibit 5.7. Using this cognitive restructuring process may seem awkward when you initially begin to practice this new skill, but the benefits you gain will be reflected in your improved ability to manage stress and solve personal problems. Relaxation skills. A variety of relaxation skills are briefly presented in the following section. Experiment with each of the skills, and think of the relaxation skill that you are Nwilling to implement on a daily basis. No one relaxation skill “makes sense” or fits all IOindividuals. Select a skill that fits you personally, and commit yourself to the idea of Tdeveloping the skill to a level that will allow you to routinely and automatically use Urelaxation to live more creatively. IBBy developing a relaxation skill and using it daily, you will have the ability to elicit Rthe relaxation in response to a personal stressor. This allows you to make more adaptive ISTand healthier responses to stress and exercise increased self-control over potentially injurious stress situations. The personal energy and time required to learn and implement Drelaxation skills are excellent investments in your physical and mental health. R1. Positive imagery. You have an equal potential for using your imagination to create FOnegative or positive feelings. You can achieve relaxation and positive feelings by recalling truly positive scenes from the past where you have felt security, safety, pride, Thappiness, joy, and confidence. Relaxing with positive imagery allows you to create NOpositive feelings, use more of your potential for problem solving, and reduce tension and anxiety that may be inhibiting or self-defeating. Positive imagery can be used as a supplement to other relaxation skills. Visualizing a pleasant scene that is truly positive can deepen relaxation. The imagery is most effective if you create a scene that is positive and meaningful for you. 2. Biofeedback training. This involves the use of instrumentation to mirror back to the person what is going on underneath the skin. A person involved in biofeedback training receives immediate information about biological conditions such as muscle tension, skin surface temperature, brain wave activity, galvanic skin response, blood pressure, and heart rate. The purpose of the training is to teach the person how to voluntarily control these processes. Like all forms of relaxation, biofeedback training requires the 81

5.7 NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION motivation of the person and the skillful guidance of a trained professional. Through practice, a person can retain the skill of relaxation without a continual reliance on the instrumentation. A distinguishing feature of biofeedback training is that you can see or hear immediately the results of deep physical and mental relaxation. Biofeedback 82

training has demonstrated effectiveness in positively altering stress-related reactions such as migraine or tension headaches, low back pain, and hypertension. 3. Meditation. Meditation as a relaxation skill for daily living has been practiced for over two thousand years. The acceptance and practice of meditation in our society has been increasing, and research evidence has indicated that the psychophysical states accompanying meditation seem incompatible with stress reaction. Pelletier (1977) provides an excellent treatment of meditation as a positive stress-management skill. All meditative techniques help induce a state of mental relaxation characterized by a slowing of breathing and heart rate, a decrease in the amount of oxygen consumed, and a lowering or stabilization of blood pressure. Regardless of the type practiced, meditation involves focusing your attention on relaxing thoughts and sensations, away from troubling, confusing, and stressful thoughts. N4. Humor. A good sense of humor is a personal stress skill worthy of daily practice. A IOsense of humor is usually considered characteristic of mental health, and the ability and Twillingness to laugh at events that are truly funny is an important stress-management Uskill. If you choose to find humor in yourself and life events, it is more difficult to be IBoverwhelmed by dread and doom. The key to using humor to positively manage stress is Rthe reframing of the stressful situation into a context that reduces personal anxiety. IST5. Communication techniques. A person’s primary communication style can increase or decrease stress. Research has suggested that an assertive communication style in conflict Dsituations is characteristic of positive stress management. Using interpersonal aggression Ror deference as primary communication styles causes an increase in personal stress and Omay lead to problematic behavior. F6. Assertive training. The assertive training model is based on three assumptions: a Tperson’s feelings and attitudes closely relate to actual behavior, a person’s behavior is NOlearned, and behavior can be changed through skills training. Assertive behavior has cognitive, affective (emotional), and behavioral aspects and is best learned in a small group under the supervision of a trained leader. Responsible assertive behavior that is personally satisfying without violating another person’s rights is the goal of assertion training. 7. Mindfulness training. Mindfulness is “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations” (Oxford Languages, para 2). Meditation is a good mindfulness development activity. The benefits of mindfulness include stress reduction, improved self-efficacy, and perceived stress (Charoensukmongkol, 2014), as well as increased improved ability to transform emotional experiences for a happier 83

life (Arch & Landy, 2015). In short, mindfulness training is transformative in nature and improves emotional intelligence. Implement a personal stress-management program. It is now time to try some of the stress-reduction techniques discussed earlier. To practice the cognitive restructuring technique, identify a recent event that caused you to experience a great deal of stress. Then, work your way through the steps in Exhibit 5.8. 5.8 NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION Before you begin to practice the relaxation techniques, use the following suggestions to make the relaxation exercises maximally beneficial: Before beginning a relaxation exercise, estimate your level of stress and tension using a SUD (Subjective Units of Disturbance) Scale. 84