Mission Beautiful Australia MBA Magazine

Model: Lauren Hart JULY 2014 101Make-Up & H: Alana HartStyling: AmyLeePhotographer: AmyLee Photography

Model: Lauren HartMake-Up & H: Alana HartStyling: AmyLeePhotographer: AmyLee Photography102 JULY 2014

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104 JULY 2014 Model: Lauren Hart Make-Up & H: Alana Hart Styling: AmyLee Photographer: AmyLee Photography

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article//THE ABUSERS HANDBOOK *Note: Abusers come in both genders, make no mistake nominator of them all. He always has a reason for the assaultabout that! and the reason always absolves him of all blame.*Special note should be made of the fact that ALL of Here is a list of the most often used excuses and reasonsthe reasons and excuses given by the abuser for his/her given for abuse:actions are carefully constructed to shift the completeresponsibility for his behavior to the person he is abus- She always starts it. She always asks for it. She always asksing. In his world, it is always their fault and they always stupid questions. She always talks too much. She alwaysdeserve the abuse. In attempting to understand this kind whines. She always nags. She always complains. She alwaysof logic, the impartial observer eventually arrives at this interrupts while I am watching television. She is always child-conclusion: While the abused person does, for a variety ish. She always wants something. She never listens to me.of reasons, empower the abuser, there is no legitimate or Note the persistent use of the psychologically-loaded wordlogical excuse for the abuse of that power. “always”.Licking Your Wounds What the abuser leaves unsaid is interesting:I.        Verbal battering is just as real and damaging as She tries to talk about problems. She says something Iphysical battering. In fact, of the two, verbal abuse is more don’t want to hear. She didn’t agree with me. She dared toinvidious, cowardly, and sadistic. venture an opinion of her own.It can be done in private using the flimsiest of excuses(or none at all), to launch an unexpected verbal assault IV. The verbal abuser will occasionally admit that perhapson the usually bewildered victim. (What did I do or say to he said something that might possibly be construed asprovoke that?) being unkind, but, of course, it was her fault because:It can be and is often done in public with cutting, de-meaning, and otherwise humiliating remarks made in front I just got up. I just got home. I just woke up from my nap.of any available audience. This method is very effective I was tired. I was stressed out. I was in no mood to bewhen used by a “double-bind” expert, which most skilled bothered with her stupid talk. I was watching television.verbal abusers are. They quite neatly create a “damned if I was thinking. I was reading. The list goes on to coveryou do, damned if you don’t” situation: practically every aspect of daily life, up to and including IFirst, if the victim of the assault responds in any way, the was on my way to the bathroom.abuser turns to his audience with a long-suffering “seehow awful she is” expression, thus absolving himself of all V.       Then, we enter the realm of fantasy, usually resort-blame for her behavior, and neatly denying provocation. If ed to when she has been almost mute for hours, days-the victim evinces any further response, the abuser quickly -and sometimes weeks- -in an effort to avoid abuse:creates another scenario by saying she is too sensitive and She rattled dishes too loudly in the kitchen. She didn’t con-can’t take a little joke. Voila! Another double-bind created trol the children. She let the children get on my nerves. Sheand another assault launched. made too much noise with the washing machine/dishwasher/Second, if the victim does not respond, it is perceived by the vacuum cleaner. She moved around the house too much andaudience that she obviously deserved it because an inno- made me nervous. And, of course, the most-used of all, thecent person would defend themselves, and surely the man old tried and true “Well, I knew what she was thinking.”wouldn’t attack his wife in public unless she was very bad, One can readily see that the “long-suffering” abuser isindeed. (Where can I run and hide?) never responsible for his loud, angry voice, and his contin- ual outpouring of vicious words...words that demean, hurt,II.       Other than divorce and/or separation involving lots of and frequently cause deep emotional wounds that neverdistance, the verbally abused wife has no legal protection or have time enough to heal before the next attack. (Pleaserecourse anywhere in the world. God, don’t let him see how badly that one hurt me!)It seems that the old “sticks and stones may break my bones,but words will never hurt me”, true or not, is the tune to VI.      When you examine the reasons and excuses thewhich the verbally abused, emotionally battered wife must abuser has in his defense arsenal, it is clear that they, too,dance if she stays in such a relationship. (But I’m so tired of are an overt attack filled with disapproval and criticism ofdancing!) every word she speaks, every move she makes, and every thought she thinks. When the abuser gives a reason or anIII.       The reasons used by the abuser to justify his be- excuse, he subjects the victim to a secondary attack on herhaviour are many and varied. They range from feeble, to very personhood, one every bit as vicious and hurting as theillogical, to downright fantasy, and lying is the common de- original, and distinctly aimed at proving the abuser’s power and control while effectively reinforcing the victim’s feelings106 JULY 2014

of helplessness and worthlessness. (Did I do or say that? Is including his current victim, find so attractive.that the truth? Am I really that terrible and don’t realize it?) In fact, he probably has practiced and flaunted theseAnd the victim? Eventually they will succumb to self-loath- “hunting techniques” right in front of his current victiming, despising themselves. Why? Because surely no sane - - perhaps just after verbally abusing her unmercifully - -person would punish another in such a manner unless they deepening her wounds by making it very clear that thisdeserve it, would they? (Would they?) other woman is all the things the current victim is not, andThe answer is a resounding “Yes!” An otherwise appar- thus worthy and deserving of the respect, attention, andently sane, apparently functional person, one with severe decent treatment he is giving her. (If she knew the truthemotional problems of their own- -coupled with a wide about him, she would run! Run, lady! Get away from him!).streak of sadism and more than a little cowardice- -would And what of the prospective new victim? Once insidedo just that! And do it, and do it, and do it for the sheer her guard, easier done than one might think, the abuserfeeling of power and control it gives them, mixed with probes for weaknesses, insecurities, and vulnerabilities,the satisfaction of inflicting pain. Make no mistake...they testing her self-image and self -confidence. In his mind,know what they are doing and they know that it is wrong. every positive characteristic - innocence, loyalty, kindness,That is why they always have a ready reason or excuse for gentleness, unselfishness, morality, principles - are seen astheir behavior, plausible or not, to avoid disapproval from weaknesses. All can and will be exploited by the abuser ifoutsiders. he snares her.VII.      Now we come to the obvious question, the one And her weaknesses? A veritable gold mine of abusethat everyone except the abuser, and that includes the possibilities! Even better if she is sensitive and intelligentvictim, asks: enough to realize that she is being abused, misused, and degraded!Why does a person stay in a situation like this? You can be sure, within six months - - if he can wait that long - - the abuser will begin to destroy another victim.The verbal abuser stays because it is the life he has created And the charm? The attentiveness? The attractive per-for himself for his own pleasure and enjoyment. For the ver- sonality? All those things he used to attract her in the firstbally abused wife, the honest answer is fear. Not so much place? Why, they become another weapon in his abusefear of physical harm, but make no mistake, the verbal arsenal. After all, if the victim deserved to be the bene-abuser can work himself into rages that can end in phys- ficiary of these desirable things he had once showeredical abuse. In the case of the victim of verbal battery, the upon her, if she had not failed to meet his standards, hadanswers are more diverse, but still based on fear...fear of not proven herself to be so totally worthless, such a failurebeing alone, of facing the outside world, of making wrong as a woman and wife, she would still be receiving them.decisions, of being unable to cope, financial fear, fear of No, there is no logical reasoning with this kind of abuser.every kind, size, shape, color, and variety. Added to this is There seems to be no treatment for it, no cure. It is a repet-the self-loathing and self-doubt instilled and nurtured by itive pattern of behavior hidden behind a double wall of liesthe abuser. If you feel alone and worthless and afraid long intended to conceal it from the outside world. Certainly, theenough, it becomes your reality, and abuse is the price you abuser will deny it until the day he dies. That’s one lie, hispay for the “security” of your prison. (I don’t know where to lie. The feelings of loyalty and duty to preserve the familyturn or what to do! I can’t cope! I’m afraid!) the victim might feel, the shame and embarrassment ofVIII.        Seeking help through marital counseling? If the admitting how weak she is to allow and endure such degra-abuser actually agrees to it, it frequently becomes a farce dation for any reason, and the nagging fear that everythingwherein the abuser insists that he has no problems other he says might be true, keeps the wall intact with the secondthan trying to cope with a wife who does seem to have lie, her lie. It takes two, one to do and one to empower.problems, lots of problems. He is a very nice, long-suffer-ing man who is putting up with this complaining, neurotic,insecure woman who has an over-active imagination, whosuffers from a severe case of super-sensitivity, and who al-ways takes a little joking banter personally. Clearly, she hasproblems ... and besides, he didn’t do anything wrong. Heis a caring, loyal, loving person, as anyone can see. (Am Icrazy? Am I all the things he says I am? Is he right?)IX.      And what if the abused wife declares indepen- * * *As a footnote for further reading, refer to “Women-dence, issues ultimatums of her own, and leaves the abus- -Yesterday, Today, And Tomorrow” located at http://er? With any luck at all, she will make it just fine. www.adellebradford.org/readingroom/Pages/Tan-And the abuser? Why he will immediately look for another gents/tangentindex.html (copy/paste into browser).victim. He must have one because his whole self-image isdependent upon having one. He needs one. The abus-er has a special hunting technique all his own, too. Hebecomes Mr. Charming, Mr. Engaging Personality, Mr. Un-divided Attention, displaying all those attributes women, JULY 2014 107

To you Tess Raby might seem like just your everyday beautiful lady, but to us she is a hero! Setting the benchmark for domestic violence orders for mental and emotional abuse. Once upon a time it was extremely difficult to get a DVO or AVO {Domestic violence order} served and approved by the court for mental and emotional abuse: but not anymore! Tess was one of the first few women to succeed in a court of law and have a Domestic Violence Order served on her Ex. Thank God for women like Tess who don’t take no for an answer or give up easily... Trail blazers, carving the path for others....these are my heros!- AmyLee108 JULY 2014

Model: Tess Raby JULY 2014 109Make-Up & H: Alana Hart Make-It UpPhotography: AmyLee Photography

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Quiz: Are You in If You answered Yes to these questionsan Abusive or have concerns call one of the numbersRelationship? at the front of this magazine. You are notSometimes when you’re in an intense or pas- alone seek help now.sionate relationship, it’s hard to recognize whenlines are being crossed. You can get comfortablewith dysfunction and not realize when you arebeing abused, especially if your partner hasn’tyet become physically violent. The NationalDomestic Violence Hotline has a quiz for indenti-fying abuse. Go through the following checklist to findout whether your relationship is unhealthyand could be dangerous:Does your partner:• Isolate you from friends, family members or supporters?  • Embarrass you with put-downs?  • Look or act in ways that scare you?• Control what you do or who you see or talk to?   • Manipulate you with control of money?  • Dominate all decisions?  • Criticize your parenting and threaten to take away or hurt your children?•  • Prevent you from working or attending school?• Deny or downplay abuse or try to blame you for “provoking” it?  • Destroy your property?  • Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weap- ons?  • Shove you, slap you, choke you or hit you?• Force you to drop charges?  • Threaten to commit suicide?  • Threaten to kill you? JULY 2014 111

IF YOU ARE WAITING FOR A SIGN.... THIS IS IT!112 JULY 2014

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Stay SafeThe most violent time in an abusive relationship Keep new address confidential is the minute the woman Get a P.O. Box, and don’t give out your leaves, or tries to leave. In real address. Try to rent a home that has fact, in domestic violence utilities included, sign up for an Addresscases, more than 70 percent of injuries Confidentiality Program through yourand murders happen after the victim state government, and make sure yourleaves. This phenomenon is known voter registration doesn’t have youras separation assault. After following address.the Exit Action Plan for how to leave Stay off social networking websitesan abusive relationship safely, know the You don’t want information about whoplan for staying safe! you’re friends with and what you’re  doing public. You don’t know who couldSue Else, president of the National be friends with your ex.Network to End Domestic Violence inthe USA, offers steps for staying safe Obtain a protection orderafter leaving an abusive relationship: Keep a copy on you at all times. Give  copies to family, friends, co-workers andConsider going to a shelter your children’s school.Domestic violence shelters are available  to provide safety and to help you get Change your patternson your feet. In addition to safety, they Shop at new stores, take differentprovide services, support and resources routes to work, change coffee shops andfor you and your children. gas stations, go to a faith service at a different time, switch to a new bank.Secure your new home Secure your accountsConsider new window and door locks, Change your passwords, PIN codes, andoutdoor lights, an alarm system, steel call utility companies and ask them todoors and smoke detectors. add a password that only you know toDon’t move to a secluded area. Move to your account.a neighborhood with lots of neighbors, Get a new computerperhaps an apartment complex, with a Spyware could be on your old computer,Neighborhood Watch program.114 JULY 2014

Action Planallowing the abuser to know everything Always tell a trusted person where youyou do on the computer and read all of are going, EVERY DAY. Have check-inyour e-mail. times so loved ones always know you areGet a new mobile phone and number safe.Verizon HopeLine donates phones to Be preparedvictims through local shelters. Have 000 ready to call when you areProtect yourself at work walking to your car. Be aware of yourAlert your supervisor and the security environment; if something feels out ofstaff, remove your number from the the ordinary, IT IS!office directory, and even change office Have a bag packedlocations. Ask security to walk you to Include an extra set of keys,your car. identification, car title, birth certificate,Safety plan with your children social security, clothes for you andTeach children what to do if the abuser your children, shoes, money, jewelry “kidnaps them or breaks into the house. anything important to you.You don’t want to scare your children,but help them be prepared. Alert theschool or daycare of the danger.Don’t isolate yourselfDon’t park your car in large parkinggarages, jog at night or in secludedareas. Park as close to the location aspossible.Document everythingKeep records of all texts, e-mails,stalking and harassment. Keep video orwritten journal “ and hide it!Keep loved ones informed JULY 2014 115

To be empowered is to have knowledge to have wisdom you must haveexperience. If you take the experi- ence you have and educate your-self you are an unstoppable force! You did not walk through this journey for no reason, there is a definite purpose to it.Become the leader you were bornto be; remember who you really.... are ask yourself “Who do I wantto be?” and know that you are al-ready that, you always have been, you just have to make the deci- sion to love yourself - AmyLee116 JULY 2014

Photographer: AmyLee Photography Model: Lavonne walley Hair & Make Up: AmyLee Hands JULY 2014 117

Photographer: AmyLee Photography Model: Lavonne walley Hair & Make Up: AmyLee Hands118 JULY 2014

Photographer: AmyLee Photography Model: Lavonne walley Hair & Make Up: AmyLee Hands JULY 2014 119

Photographer: AmyLee Photography Model: Lavonne walley Hair & Make Up: AmyLee Hands120 JULY 2014

ou may be concerned that your daughter is experi- encing a domestically violent relationship, you may feel unsure on how to recognise it as you yourself haven’t been a survivor of DV. So we found an amaz- ing list of questions from Dr Phil’s website to helpY you identify if your child is in danger.Quiz: Is Your Daughter in an Abusive Relationship?Thousands of teenagers are finding themselves in relationshipsthat are controlling, manipulative and sometimes physically abu-sive. Research shows that 98 percent of teenage girls who havebeen abused continue to date the abuser. Your teen could be one ofthem. Do you know the warning signs?If you suspect your daughter is in an abusive relationship, gothrough the following checklist of warning signs:1) Does she apologize for his behavior and makes excuses for him? 2) Is she losing interest in activities that she used to enjoy? 3) Has she stopped seeing friends and family members and become more isolated? 4) When your daughter and her boyfriend are together, does he call her names and put her down infront of other people? Does she seem intimidated by him? 5) Does her boyfriend act extremely jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys?6) Does he think or tell your daughter that you don’t like him?7) Does he control her behavior, check up on her constantly, and call and text her, demanding toknow who she has been with? Does he control where she goes, what she wears and who she sees?8) Does she casually mention his violent behavior, but laugh it off as a joke? 9) Does she often have unexplained injuries or offer explanations that don’t make sense? 10) Have you seen him violently lose his temper, striking or breakingobjects? Has he destroyed her property? 11) Does he criticize her parenting and threaten to take away or hurt her children? 12) Has he threatened her life?  If you answered yes to even one of these questions, your daughtermay be in an abusive relationship. JULY 2014 121

FEATURED PHOTOGRAPHERKATHERINE JARVIEKatherine jarvie’s submission is called “Love Makes Life Complete” Katherine is a Brisbane basedphotographer, who feels passionately about unhealthy relationships. Kath has submitted these imag-es to show her interpretation of what Love is, healthy love, and strength of the human spirit.Brisbane Based Portrait photographer specialis- Contact infoing in Maternity, Newborns, Family and Children’s Phone 0431 113 646 orphotography Email [email protected] Hours are Website http://katharinejarviephotography.com.auMon - Sun: 08:00 - 19:00122 JULY 2014

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Join the You Are Enough Movement Take a Selfie hashtagging #YouAReEnough or become an official MBA Magazine regional photographer. We are bringing together a global collective of men and wom- en who can combine their skills as photographers, journalists and partly therapists. We want those who can find inspiring people with emotional stories to share, photograph them inline with the cause, interview them, do what you can to get to the heart of their story, which will help so many others.Our commitment is to list you as an MBA Magazine violence for the next generations and many more tophotographer, direct people in your area to you to come. We will feature you in the magazine and alsohelp you build your client base, feature the stories in our yearly coffee table book, “You For further infoyou submit on the MBA Magazine website and head to our website:across social media platforms, and inspire peoplearound the world to build healthy mindset, self-es- www.missionbeautifulaustralia.com/about-teem, confidence, and shift their lives from domestic you-are-enough-coffee-table-book/be- come-an-mba-photographer/128 JULY 2014

Join Our Facebook Page,Twitter & Instagram accounts to become part of therevolution of people against Domestic Violence! www.facebook.com/missionbeautifulaustralia www.twitter.com/mishinbeautiful www.instgram.com/missionbeautifulaustralia JULY 2014 129