THE GREATE IDIOT CHRISTMASTIME, KWANZAA, WINTER SOLSTICE, FEAST OF ALVIS, HANUKKAH, NEW YEAR’S, AND BOXING DAY FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR
The Greate Idiot Christmastime, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, New Year’s, and Boxing Day Family Holidays Spectacular Copyright © 2019 Greate Idiot All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including but not limited to: photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without prior written permission of the publisher/author (except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.) For permission requests, send inquiries to the publisher. https://greateidiot.wordpress.com/ Cover design, pics & arts, and other photos by Collin B. Randle (unless otherwise noted). Edited by Collin B. Randle
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ “If young kids want to see me, go see the Christmas movie.” - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Heart A-Tracks
Greetings! Thank you for looking and stuff. Holiday issue. Family things. More explanatory statements and emoted words. Probably a few sentences, at least. What the holidays mean to me and possibly others. Yada yada yada. Placeholders and whatnot. Maybe a second paragraph, for space sake. Who knows? The shadow knows. Followed by another word structure. Maybe another holiday statement or some such. Snow happens during winter! A third separate paragraph?! Why, the moxie. But I still need to tell you what is in this issue! And, wow, is there ever a loaded line-up. That reminds me of another anecdote that may or may not wind back to the contents. Aaaaand, that is all she wrote. Well, all I wrote, rather. It's Greate Idiot’s first issue, folks! Pics, Arts, Doof, Human Nature, poems and prose await. Also included is several special additions from my family to yours. Please enjoy this holiday issue and the season of joy upon us all, no matter who or what you may be celebrating. For those who loathe the holidays, I’m not sure why you would be reading this, but I say assuredly, with the utmost empathy and not in any jest, ‘Bah humbug.’ Be Greate! Be Idiot. Collin B. Randle
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~
10…………………….. The Mite Before Christmas 18…………..………... Human Nature Holidays 25..…………………… Dear Doof 29…………………….. Doof Craft: Salt Snowmen 36…………………….. Before the ice gets on the mules 38…………………….. Pics & Arts 52…………………….. Bacon Grease 59…………………….. Salt E. Snowminn 73…………………….. Snowdust
‘Twas a mite before Christmas, who lived in the house Hiding from roaches, people’s feet, even a mouse, The soot from the chimney had darkened the air He could barely see the tree lights, twinkling and fair 10
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ The children in ruckus, jumping up and down on their beds Sounded like earthquakes for our wee little friend Mama in a big t-shirt, and I in my boxers Yelled up to the children, “Could you be any louder?!” Though we saw nothing, our mite in the rug Across the room saw a blinking red bug It sprang from the floor to see the small flash Almost tore it’s ACL when it came down with a crash 11
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ I tripped running downstairs to get my beer When I looked at the ground, I saw eight specks fall off my deer I just got back from a quick hunting trip I knew in a moment they were ripe, fat ticks Faster than June bugs, the monsters came I screamed, and shouted, and called them by name: “You little sh#*s! What the f*$k!? You blood- sucking bit$#*s! “Get off me! You as$-ho%s! I’ll leave you in stitches! 12
“To the top of the windows, to the top of the walls! “Back away! Back away! Back away all!” They leapt at my legs and crawled towards my toes While the wee little mite watched me battle the foes I thought I was done for, beginning to tire, Then I saw my salvation glisten from the fire My wife forgot to put her hairspray back up I grabbed a flaming log, sprayed, and watched the very air erupt 13
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ As I drew in my breath, and turned around, I saw, at the stairs, my wife in her new nightgown It was lined all in fur, only worn when cold But now it was tarnished with ashes and burned holes; Her eyes, how they twinkled! Her face like a cherry! She was f*$king pissed, things were getting rather scary Her writhing lips were drawn up like a bow, I knew that look, she was about explode 14
My big toe it was soon to bite with his teeth, While the smoke it surrounded the ticks like a ring I yelped as another chomped down on my belly Made my wife laugh so hard, the twins shook like jelly The dust mite came to check on my safety Or maybe it was the ticks, or, perhaps I’d gone crazy I held out my finger to the sweet, little guy They just clean up dead skin and such as they dine 15
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ I plucked out the bugs from my gut and my toes And threw them in the flames, up the chimney they rose The mite, before Christmas, gave me such a gift Saved my life from those frightening ticks I thought long and hard of ways to repay Until something happened that caused great dismay I accidentally blew it away with a sneeze “Sorry I’ve ruined Christmas, everyone. Better luck New Year’s Eve?” 16
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 17
# Reindeer Issues 18
Armadillo Eggnog 19
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Mistletoe Hijinks 20
Amish Country Winter 21
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Porc-arious situation # 1224 22
Armadillo Eggnog 2 23
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Advice Column Dear Doof, I have far too many gifts to wrap this year by myself. Do you have any tips for wrapping a LOT of gifts as quickly as possible? – Bobbert Redhat Just spit balling here, train a small army of Labrador retrievers. They should be able to, in sets of three, pull the wrapping paper out, cut it, actually wrap the gift, tape it, and adorn with bows. I just don’t think that squirrels would quite cut it here. Or you could line them all up, grab the wrap, and run around them all really, really fast. Added bonus, it would look like one huge present. 25
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Dear Doof, What is your favorite holiday song? – Aldcott I. Seh I actually put in an album a few days ago. It used to be Rudolph until I really listened and thought about Santa enlisting the overnight labors of a minority child. Well, I skipped that track once I realized, and then the madness continued with a coverup of murder (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer) and lewd acts by the man in red himself (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus). I had to take the disc out and was understandably shaken. The only holiday song I can bring myself to listen to now is one I produced at home for my children when they were younger: Santa Poops, Too, but He Takes the Time to Stop What He’s Doing for a Moment and Go to the Restroom. Thinking about uploading it one of these days, it’s quite catchy. Dear Doof, Do you have any regrets from last year? Any new year’s resolutions? – Janilla Toffee-Mint I live my life with no regrets whatsoever. None. A few of my resolutions: don’t take any stock market advice from the man at the street corner who says he personally knows Elvis Presley and just saw him yesterday, don’t go to that new ‘fish bar’ that just opened again (they didn’t even cook their fish!), and no more cookies in bed that bring ants because you wake up with over 860 26
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ individual ant bites covering your left hand and arm, and also not to use my left hand to dig out peanut butter from the bottom of the jar and then just lick the globs from my hand and arm without washing my arm off. Dear Doof, What did you do when you got a bad xmas gift? – Fondo Oh, I have one in mind, Ms. Fondo. The year I received a new fragrance spray that smelled exactly like burning rubber mixed with fried chicken, and just a hint of clove. After just one spray, I tried, rather unsuccessfully, to keep my disgust contained. I smiled and thanked the gift- giver through my teeth. The next time I went to the mall, I returned it and told the clerk how it reminded me of butterscotch syrup drizzled over heated super glue and pine resin. Store credit only on the return, so I just told him to keep it. My wife was a bit upset and said I just couldn’t smell right because of the severe cold I had at the time. Also, that I had told her that was what I wanted all summer long when the fragrance first came out. I actually wrote a letter complaining about the horrid scent to the parent company, and they must have gotten it. The next time we went I came across it, a month or so later, I smelled the tester for curiosity sake. It smelled rather nice. 27
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 28
SALT SNOWMEN. Firstly, you need only two things: several different kinds of glues, and salt. Pounds of it. Also, look around your house, ice box, or yard for random, small things and trinkets to be used as body parts. Anything will do really, even bugs if you have to. You won’t use most of it, anyway, so go absolutely wild collecting items. 29
Tiny hats, noses, other various future body parts. STEP ONE: All the assorted adhesives to be used. 30
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ SALT. STEP TWO-ish: Pinch some salt over the glues. Roll the glue stick on top of the salt piles. Form modeling clay into balls, roll in glue, then roll in salt. Form the salty glue into salty balls. 31
See how well the salty balls are coming along?! STEP TWO- ish: conti- nued 32
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Put in all the random STEP THREE: stuff you found to make the eyes, buttons, and arms and junk. Put all the salt-balls together to try to form a coherent shape. 33
Voila! You’re done. 34
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 35
Before the ice gets on the mules— Before the dudes all go, Or check for any hungry wolves To eat our fattened goats— Before the journey’s finished, Before we all get fleas, Hunger, drive, and slumber Will feel as if on repeat! But we clutch spring hens’ hold Calming underway— That is only talking A dream so far away That stitched below—I believe so— Brings tears lone— Is it me that reeks to high heaven, Or this herd of goats? 36
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 37
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~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ BLACK AND BLUE 41
ICE, ICE BABY 42
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ HOLLY JOLLY 43
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~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ CAMPFIRES Top and center photos by Samantha Randle. Bottom photo by Collin B. Randle 45
Top three left photos by Collin B. Randle Bottom left photo and center right photos by Samantha Randle 46
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~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ LONELY TREE 48
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A BIT BROKEN, YET STILL VALID AND SERENE. THAT’S THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY. Nativity photo by Samantha Randle Tree by Collin B. Randle 50
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