Emotional Boundaries Workbook

Emotional Boundaries with Emerge Coaching

Emotional Boundary Setting What are Emotional Boundaries? “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends . . . The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you” Creating Emotional Boundaries is the process of separating your emotions and feelings from those of another. Imagine a fence - INSIDE of the fence are your emotions and feelings; on the other side, OUTSIDE of the fence are the emotions and feelings of the other person. The fence is the boundary that differentiates them i.e. the line where your emotions end and the other person's start. I'ts also useful to think of your boundaries as your own personal guidelines for how you expect to be treated and how you will respond if those limits are pushed - in this context, emotionally. The thing I love most about Healthy Boundaries is: BOUNDARIES DEMAND RESPECT! (From yourself as well as others). When you have clarity on what your boundaries are, as well as what the consequences for violating them are, people are left with little choice but to respect them.. During this time of the global Covid-19 pandemic and Lockdown situation, it is becoming increasingly difficult for many people to separate their feelings and emotions from those around them. When battling to differentiate your feelings from someone elses, remember: OBSERVE; DON'T ABSORB! Also, we are now constantly surrounded by people who ordinarily, outside of lockdown, we'd have a break from in some way and some of us are having our \"buttons continually pressed\" by others. This is where our Emotional Boundaries also come in - how we deal with and communicate having our boundaries pushed, ignored or violated. WHY DO WE NEED BOUNDARIES: 12 of the things Boundaries allow for: Positive Mental Health High Self Esteem, Self Respect and Self Worth Equal Partnerships Confident Interactions Healthy Choices Taking Personal Responsibility - Recognition of your own feelings and emotions Avoiding Burnout Developing Autonomy A sense of Personal Identity Feeling Empowered to be Assertive and Firm Feeling Empowered to express your Feelings and Emotions Feeling Empowered to say NO 15 signs that your Boundaries need attention: Feeling like a Victim or Martyr Feeling Continuously taken advantage of Battling to say no Saying yes when you actually want to say no Feeling guilty when others don't like your boundaries Feeling continually or often disrespected Feeling invisible Feeling emotionally drained by other people Feeling unable to distinguish between your feelings and those of others Not being able to stand up for yourself Feeling guilty when you do stand up for yourself Battling to recognise other people's boundaries Feeling like you never get what YOU want Battling to make decisions for yourself Feeling like you don't know who you are Before you consider implementing your boundaries to be a selfish act, I want you to think about these questions: What do you believe makes you less important than the next person? Why do you believe that putting yourself first is wrong? And now, this statement: \"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none\" I'm going to guide you through the process; step-by-step and will be on hand afterwards if you need any one on one guidance, feel free to get in touch. LET'S GO....

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP ONE: WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK? Some of the reasons for not having and enforcing boundaries are: Fear of Rejection Fear of Confrontation Guilt These are often limiting beliefs and negative emotions which you need assistance in overcoming; if diving in and journaling doesn't enable you to overcome them, reach out for my assistance. Identify and write down all the things holding you back from setting your emotional boundaries: STEP TWO: Commit to overcoming the things holding you back: I want you to dive into each reason, sit with it for a bit, examine what it means to you and then commit to overcoming it or seeking our additional assistance around it. I commit to overcoming the things holding me back and if necessary, seeking out additional assistance to overcome them. SIGNED DATE

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP THREE: WHERE or WITH WHO ARE YOU NOT IMPLEMENTING BOUNDARIES? WHERE DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE BEING VIOLATED? WHERE DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR BOUDARIES ARE BEING IGNORNED? THIS STEP REQUIRES INTROSPECTION. i want you to write down as many as possible. The more areas you identify, the more clarity you will have and this makes the process more successful. If necessary, spend some time journaling around these questions to give as many examples as possible. Some examples: I don't implement boundaries with my partner when he / she critisises my feelings regarding the lockdown because I don't want to fight. My best friend violates my boundaries by attempting to make me feel bad for enjoying the downtime this lockdown is bringing me because she is feeling very isolated. My boundaries are ignored when I tell my partner I need a 10 minute time out and he / she insists on having a conversation at that time. You can use this workbook to address all types of boundaries - I am just focusing on emotional for this exercise, the principles are the same for all types of boundaries (physical, intelletual, sexual, material and time) Write all of these things down:

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP FOUR: WHAT ARE YOUR NEW HEALTHY RULES AND BOUNDARIES FOR YOUR LIFE? Base this on the journaling and areas where your \"fence has holes\" from the previous step. Each rule should start with \"I\". They are your rules and do not need to be approved by anyone except you. These rules are for your mental well being, These rules and boundaries should empower you. Remember: it is both okay and necessary to put yourself first in your life. It is healthy. Some examples of healthy emotional boundaries: Saying no without guilt e.g. I am able to say no without feeling guilty. I will no longer say yes when I want to say no. Expressing your feelings when necessary. e.g. I am able to tell people when their behaviors or words are hurting me. Taking time out for yourself e.g. I deserve 10 minutes of alone time a day without guilt. Respecting your own feelings e.g. I am allowed to enjoy the downtime of lockdown even when others do not. Only saying things that align with your values e.g. I will honor my values in my words and actions. Being aware of what your own thoughts and feelings are e.g. I believe our president is doing a good job even if my friends do not, it is okay to have differing beliefs. Taking responsiblity for your words, actions and feelings e.g. I am feeling frustrated by the isolation of lockdown so will be aware of my words when dealing with others who are not and not lash out unnecessarily. Write your new rules and boundaries out:

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP FIVE: WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES NOT BEING RESPECTED? Your consequences (and the implementation thereof) are as important as the boundaries themselves. These must be actions you are willing to take. E.g. if your consequence is that you will leave the relationship if a behavior continues and you are not actually willing to leave the relationship; this is a pointless consequence and will result in your boundaries being violated. Implementing your consequences will likely be a gradual process and THAT IS OKAY. With children it is helpful to have options i.e. this or that consequences. Decide for yourself how many times you will communicate your boundary when pushed before implementing the consequence - it should be less than 5. 3 is generally a good middle ground. Some examples of healthy consequences: I will walk away from this conversation if you continue to shout at me. I need time to consider this decision and if you push me for an immediate answer, the answer will be no. I will end this friendship if you continue to belittle the way I am handling lockdown. Write your new healthy consequences out: STEP SIX: PRACTICE!!! SAY YOUR RULES, BOUNDARIES AND CONSEQUENCES OUT LOUD AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE UNTIL THEY FEEL REAL. SAYING THEM IN THE MIRROR HELPS,

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP SEVEN: WHAT BEHAVIORS DO YOU NEED TO CHANGE TO ENSURE YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE RESPECTED? In order for boundaries to be successful, you need to take accountability for where you are allowing them to be pushed, ignored and / or violated. You must take responsibility and accountability for your life - words, actions and behaviors. You have to be willing to change your own behaviors to teach people your boundaries and how you will and will not tolerate being treated. YOU are the CEO of your life - OWN THAT POWER. Some examples of how you may need to change your behavior: I will not tolerate my boundaries being violated and ignored. I will implement the consequences I have set out. I will speak up when necessary. I will step into my power and no longer be a victim of other people's words and behaviors. I will identify and seek guidance and assistance for my own bad behaviors. I will not dismiss my own feelings. I will be comfortable with sometimes disappointing other people, understanding their feelings are about them. I will spend time getting clear on who I am. Write down all the behaviors you will change to ensure your boundaries are respected.

Emotional Boundaries YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE Things to remember: Delete your victim and step into your power! How other people react to your boundaries is their business, not yours! Communication is vital. The process is hard; AND it is worthwhile and it is essential for YOU! You teach people how to treat you! Boundaries demand respect! STEP EIGHT: COMMIT TO YOURSELF YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! If you don't believe this statement - please reach out to me as there is further work to be done. I COMMIT TO IMPLEMENTING AND ENFORCING MY BOUNDARIES AS OFTEN AS NECESSARY. I WILL CONTINUALLY RESPECT MYSELF AND ENFORCE MY BOUNDARIES. SIGNED DATE SOME NOTES FROM BIANCA: I hope this process has been beneficial for you. As I've reminded you on each page, I'm well aware this is not easy - I do, however, assure you, it is so worthwhile. As you go through the process of enforcing your boundaries you will notice how much more empowered and respected you feel.  I'd love to hear your feedback once you start feeling empowered. if you do happen to get stuck at any point, please feel free to reach out to me - I'd love to guide and assist you. If you feel you're not worth having boundaries, aren't good enough to be respected or simply have beliefs which sound like no-one will ever respect my boundaries etc, trust that these are limiting beliefs, they are not real,, however, your subconscious may wholeheartedly believe them (remember your subconscious believes everything it is told, it has no ability to rationalise) and I am able to assist you in overcoming these are replacing them with EMPOWERING beliefs. My email address is [email protected] and I'd love to assist you should you require it, you're welcome to reach out, in fact, I encourage it. Your coach, Bianca xxx