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Slavica Božičević IN DEFIANCE OF TIME

PUBLISHER Zlatan Demirović PRODIGY EDITOR Zdravko Odorčić The author of the front-cover picture Davorka Flego TRANSLATION FROM CROATIAN INTO ENGLISH Maja L. Marković (in 2022) This book is first published in Croatian by KULTura sNOVA in 2017

Slavica Božičević IN DEFIANCE OF TIME ~ notes about love in prose and poetry ~



PROLOGUE We on the planet Earth do not understand the time flow in the Universe. The Universe is enormous, mysterious and unknown to us. The Universe is controlled by order and intelligence which direct the world through natural laws that cannot be broken. During their evolution on this planet that is their home, human beings learned to measure time according to the seasons and the sun (day/ night). Time is an ab- straction; it is neither an object nor space. Human beings also understood the notion of transience in that way; the rivers flowing constantly, and the sea with its waves roll- ing from coast to coast, but the water is never the same. Time is not time due to its passing by, but everything that happens is only temporary. Days are a unique time in front of us. A waste of time is a waste of life. My presence here on the planet is a gift of the Uni- verse. I belong to nature with my body and soul. I exist because I feel. Only when we open our heart and mind to the strength of the soul do we meet the creative energy of the Universe in ourselves. What is my purpose in all that?! I’ve got my spirit and soul that are the central spot of the circle from which I’m looking at this transience of the world. The majority of the people’s cultures were born by our 5

endeavour to balance during the journey through time filled with intelligence, love, happiness, successes, mis- fortunes, pain, sorrow, and death. We’ve also learned to recognise a moment; indeed, every moment of our whole life, every moment of a day offers us a chance to make our dreams come true and to experience something new... ...in defiance of time. 6

AUTHOR’S WORD Why have I written this book? One has duties to the possibilities of one’s spirit. Spir- it is the singular thing that the soul is decorated within. I imagine life as a ship sailing from port to port while the passengers are getting on and off board, each on one’s own terminal; and the ship is sailing to its last port. During that long journey, I met a lot of special people who impressed me deeply, who loved me and kissed me, who ennobled me and formed me as a person and a poetess. I feel the duty not to forget them. Years have to pass so that a person can open the doors of one’s heart and soul calmly and face the labyrinth of one’s true self inside. Courage and defiance are also need- ed for writing down the mistakes, failures and victories of one’s own life. Today, on January 10th 2017, I’m giving this beautiful book with the title IN DEFIANCE OF TIME as a gift to my- self for my 80th birthday. There are a lot of good things about getting old except for wisdom; one of them is the fact that we older people are the living albums of memo- ries and a living lexicon. Yes, in defiance of time! In the bottom of my heart, I’m also giving it as a gift to my late husband Murat, the man of my life, whose deep and noble love made me a better person and illuminated the depths of my soul and heart. Only by pure love does a person free oneself and experience blissfulness. He grew my wings so I can fly as high as the clouds, and he waited for me with his open hands in case I start falling; always. 7

He taught me the rule, Learn to love as strongly as you can, and love so that you learn as much as you can /a quote/*. Only a wise man knows how to love. He knew how to turn me into a Bacchante, and leave me in bed as a prin- cess; and I was his princess everywhere. He built a for- tress of happiness for me and left its doors wide open for me to live in it. We were born on the same day, in the same month; we’ve got the same blood type. A cosmic spiral or a magic wand led us towards each other. Both of us had already carried half a century of life and all its ups and downs in our luggage when we caught our rainbow. We grew old together; we drank the jug of love, happiness and satis- faction to the bottom. A sincere true love is unrepeatable. Goethe said, Only one fills the whole heart, but more than one never. Today, I live with that. Love does not die ever. I happily flip through the album of memories, and some moments are written down in this book – in defi- ance of time. My journey through endless events and transformations in time transience is described on the pages of this book. This is not my biography, but life moments that formed my character and decided my way; in defiance of time. Dear reader, this book is for dreamers, for those who’ve got fine tiny strings in their hearts that create the orchestra of rapture and happiness and the music of love when touched; and since people are the only beings be- ing aware that they must die, the moment of death is also described. That is the reason why I have written this book! Only love never dies...in defiance of time. 8

OUR BIRTHDAY You’ve gone along the eternity path, now you are guarded by pearly stars. I’m sending this verse to you for our shared birthday; for our ‘Joint Day, January the tenth’. On the same day were we born, the same blood type have we got. I’m collecting words, writing them with tears. Myself immersed in them like I used to be immersed in your arms. I cherish us in my heart; and you - you are kept in a little chest at the bottom of my heart. You’ll stay there till its last beat. We were one soul in two bodies. The rest of my soul sails over the silent immensity of memories on my sailing boat over the Ocean of Loneliness. Don’t comfort me, my friends. The pain is only mine. The deeper the lost love is, the pain is more difficult and bursting. The pain’s breaking the soul into pieces, it’s petrifying the heart, it’s freezing blood. 9

I stand that pain defiantly and bravely. aIlsaIIkikAšši’’’pnnaammmksoapolpvddeojjeojkeuwsdtessdnmeeoćprohthanneoeldrmienimkdvwinastčćajaeopiiyaiennnsd.mste.mt…tiigg.rrrhnhmzeioztsegeaomnbhevmtrpvgairsseieotidjnerm.šteuIri.sajoo.enuzeIw,smmndabt…tviorhnyadevimemdVtvmweaeersjflwaeioeiritinarlhssmavvndeetevieemecscmertbeunosaMiu,od,ynfoouoatowuipdnmnirankerto..os.space; 10 10

Restlessness, Turmoil, Quest Experience is the collection of our disillusions; or in other words, Experience is what is left when everything else is gone. P. Aucuez 11



OLD LOVE Like the sea that suddenly becomes large and mighty, the high tide was born in us. You are holding my shoulders, your face is like a bright sunny day; it’s shining and smiling at me. Your green eyes are looking at me gently, and the lips are whispering, Are you happy? Many a summer has gone by since our wreckage. Our lives were full of storms and dark clouds. We’re sailing on – I’m replying. I’m giving him my hand with a smile as a sign of goodbye, along with the silent whisper, Take care. 13

RESIGNATION This day is the same as yesterday or tomorrow. Where are you in that huge world? Do they tell you, too, that your eyes are sad and that you can’t laugh? If our paths ever meet, don’t ask me how I am Long ago...we knew it all; were rich with joy and laughter. But, today the day is the same as yesterday or tomorrow. Do they tell you, too... 14

SEPARATION Do you know I still live out of your eyes’ gleam and your hands on my shoulder? I’m whispering thousands of loving words whose meaning only true lovers grasp. Separation didn’t cause emptiness. We’ve parted before, too. Last time, we also parted that way. So I’m still parting that way, too. 15

*** Some noise woke me up... Not even dawn has broken yet. Ah...again, it is Silence and Loneliness quarrelling; My only two friends... *** 16

LIFE GAME Life is a ship sailing from port to port. People are getting on and off board on the way; and so on till the end. I’m travelling and carrying a bleeding wound in my heart; it will hurt till the end; and I accept that. I’m speaking with it all the time. I’m looking for a compromise. But, in life, whether we like it or not, rules are always the same and they beat us. Birth, love, hate, good, evil, success, failure, happiness, unhappiness, health, illness. Death. And the ship sails into its last port. That is the game of life; and it beats us. 17

SOLITUDE Solitude threw me out of my room, with no chimney or furnace. I’m running to the street to get warm among these people hurrying around somewhere. They seemed live and warm when I watched them from the window. Now being among them, I’m even colder. I push around with them more and more roughly as if it’s cuddling, as if it’s greeting with each other. I don’t want such greetings, nor do I want such cuddlings. I’m going back to my room, with no chimney or furnace. Waiting for me there is my loyal friend Solitude who’s the last to say ‘good night’ to me and the first to greet me with ‘good morning’. 18

A WISP OF HOPE Long high waves are rolling and breaking onto a rocky coast. The foam is spreading over the sand. I’m watching them...and thinking. The waves of life chase me with no mercy and they hit me. I fall, fight, I strive – I don’t pray. You’re not there by my side and my friends are far away. There’s no shoulder I can cry on. I’m sobbing my heart out over the sheet of paper. A sharp wind is wiping up my tears and whipping itself into my face. Perhaps, it’s caressing me? Oh, I cannot tell caresses from whipping any more. Life burden has numbed my back. I’m thinking of how to save myself. I don’t pray. Far away on the horizon, some light can barely be seen, a ray of sunlight is pushing through. The bleak area and wavering sunlight are bringing peace to me at this moment, and the wind howling is saying that a new day is coming over... so I can catch that illusion of life, the illusive hope and to fall, fight...and pray not. 19

A SOUL IN TURMOIL I shouldn’t stay here any longer... You’re holding my face, saying something. I don’t hear you. I’m floating. Only your strong but soft hands can I feel and I wish you let them there forever. Thunder...darkness. I’m locked in your embrace. You stole my soul again and took my strength with your lips. I shouldn’t stay here any longer... Powerless to move. Slapped by thunder, torn apart, without any thoughts. If I could just die like this. I shouldn’t stay here any longer... 20

I LOVE BEING A WOMAN The day’s fading away. From the park a scent of spring’s coming. The violin’s playing somewhere. Happiness poured its pearls all over me. I’ve got my two truths, my most precious gift. To the one I’m singing a lullaby every evening. The other’s offering its embrace to me and some rest on its shoulder. I’m bowing to the happiness that’s pouring its pearls all over me. 21

REQUIEM REQUIEM Branku na spomen In mDeamleokryo onfaBsrjaenvekrou WSOhIWWATFFDHOTILATSCWIYottoiiaafibarhhhrnna’ullfleeecsiurrueseenoeieaemtcguraftennsh’diwaaneHTŽSJKTTOŽTTNUBPpMBIDPODPebpeehvsvcptneoznlottwwi,vkiiesorrutiiaekejero.rktoeaievcdhluwedhivvlthheeyontuoeiieytuyMmlzkearctučraagaaotšsytononoogdneildnoao.rkčgktshnhuepmjueltinyyloasrooo’nfttmiAeuaooontuaaa.sttilttameeieijtnosinjonnradhnupeianrhSrtniteennnsnenmanlmnndwjdtdnnswoeeheacolfatlsee.raeebswesjgoio.iaesatita-gsieeawomo.lentmiaoslohfbitszsaeelbs.servwhadohbžlšlajselrhšjenubuvuvrriBeievieeayreiejintieeorglotsegijisoe.esjeiiseotnpiwtke.kueetmeaeentsjgaont1lherwk.tetizpenčtaonelaihNseajns.vanaaleaei5gthotajnaćn.usrpjiib,vncngotpeyoemwzlsoui….taianohtdlpemeechorinpudd-nbomg..rhfj.tosieiiua.ebarsašDegrortnzatsnceiislgyitolthohual..dnsucknkosagieekr.cseiatmz.ISmul.aarcherjfcekažvhldti’mcaePoimlayiajleenibtlteoienaensejbviutvant.imepeu.afnttr.npgehaornleatlgai.iptitria.gohsibeht.,atmalg.eeatulihde.kghiomsjdt.ć.ernuko..stumaiuegvyaown.uisfddeajgth.eeb.enitćvrytdhueneeen.to,secotasonsn.odslaem. deset osme. 22 22

& at a Day’s Moment... We have to get used to the idea that at the most important crossroads in our life there are no signs. Ernest Hemingway 23

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I’M WRITING THIS TO ALL THOSE WHO COME TO THE CROSSROADS WITH NO SIGNS AND MUST CHOOSE THE DIRECTION OF A ROAD BY THEMSELVES When I was twenty-seven, my life fell apart at a day’s moment. I had everything – beauty, youth, a happy marriage, a child of love, and the job I loved, I lived in the middle of events in Zagreb, convinced that I can do anything in the world and make it better. Out of the blue, there was a piece of news! I got the laboratory test results. – You are TB (tuberculosis) positive. Contact your doc- tor immediately. I know what it was about; I am a health worker. I felt a bit more tired last month. The result’s disastrous. What followed – were hospitalisation, kidney tuberculo- sis diagnosis, and my resistance to antibiotics. I’m losing weight rapidly; the surgery is excluded due to the weak- ness of my organism. The situation is getting worse; the condition is serious; what’s going to be is critical. I’m be- ing sent to the recovery in the Hospital of Rovigno, where at that time Rebro Clinic had its treatment-and-rehabili- tation project for recovery. I was sent there to die. That was what got me aware. I must do something. My mother died at the age of 27 of pneumonia in 1945, for back then there were no antibiotics in our country yet. They were possessed only by the armies of rich countries. 25

It was clear to me – I happened to be in a situation to choose between life and death. The questions of life and death are the deepest crises that upset a human being. I made a decision; if I must die, it will happen on its own, I won’t think about that any more. If I choose life, I’ll go for it and push away death. My motive was my child and my love for life itself. Entering the inside shrine of the hidden area of consciousness is possible only if don’t run away from our fears, mistakes, and wrong motivations; it is possible only if we overcome them. My innate courage, persistence, and bright spirit were of great help in that endeavour. I proved to myself that I’m brave several times through mountaineering and rock climbing, skiing, and work. Fortunately, I’m not vain since my appearance at that time was not an enviable one; my weight was 49 kg (approximately 107.93 lb – translator’s note), open blisters all over my body due to the hypersensitivity to medications (27 pills three times a day as a must), and almost without hair that was falling out because of the allergy to a medication. On one day, they would apply a stinky red ointment over me, on the other a black one, which smelled even worse. Without appetite, for the whole first year of my stay there, I ate “a floating island” three times a day – I couldn’t stand any other food. When food was brought in my room, warm and nicely served with a smile (I know that all nurses loved me), I would get a bout of vomiting. Food felt stinky to me. It’s hard to believe since only a person who has experienced that can recognise the feeling. It was a special show programme for the hospital personnel and us the patients. I was allowed to choose 26

my food “by wish”, like all dying people. I decided – I’d put a bit of rum in my “floating island”, and three times a day I’d drink a small brandy cup of good cognac; clearly, to doctors’ dismay. Taking into account I was considered dying, I also had some privileges of free behaviour and movement, because I couldn’t move every day due to the weakness of my body. Some strange inner strength surged in me; some spawned energy. I gathered the patients in hospital and founded a theatre company. I won an open competition by the Radio Pula called Listeners are Making a Show. Even today I keep the vinyl records I got as a reward and the citizens listened to the new hit songs for one month. I was playing cards endlessly, the games such as Preference, Schnapsen, Belote, Tabinet... In any case, there were always some players. When I felt better (when I didn’t feel extremely weak) I would help my colleagues in the hospital ward. During the holidays, my six-year-old daughter would visit Rovigno, and my new friend, who was a nurse at my ward, looked after her at her family’s place. My condition was a bit better after one year and I started eating normal food, still the one I chose. They made a lot of jokes about that. In spite of everything, the kidney cavity didn’t get any smaller; it was as big as approximately one inch. It is somewhat smaller today but it can be seen in the X-ray scan. They prolonged my hospital imprisonment for one more year. By then, I was already aware of my potentialities, I had self-control (I was not controlled by the doctors and hospital personnel). I structured working days for myself, I started reading and writing, and I held the rehearsals of our little theatre in the pine-tree wood in the beautiful 27

hospital park. The participants were long-term patients like me. All that entertained us. One day during a visit, the doctor said to me, – You can go to Zagreb when you weigh 50 kg, so work on achieving that. You are not positive for TB any more. It was the only success, but very important. I’m not pos- itive for TB any more. I must eat, I bought large amounts of biscuits, chocolates... I ate bread with spaghetti, grits and potatoes. It took me eight months to get a kilo more. I wanted to see my child and the elders, my grandpa and grandma who brought me up. I realized in Zagreb that I was too weak for such a feat. I would go back to Rovigno hospital as if I was going home. My daily schedule of rest and a little activity was good for me. I was getting close to two years’ stay in Rovigno hos- pital, where I acquired a circle of friends both among the staff and patients. I felt good there; I didn’t feel it as a kind of punishment any more. Suddenly, one day, I got a fever and my temperature got 41°C. The doctors rushed in, the X-ray showed that a new tubercular process had opened up in my lungs. I was in critical condition. Emergency ambulance de- ported me to the Clinic for Lung Diseases Jordanovac in Zagreb. TB positive...Contagious...No visits, I mustn’t touch my child. My husband visits me, we talk through the glass screen. I’m under a strict treatment regime. I serve as a guinea pig since they don’t know how to save me without antibiotics. Keeping in mind that I already decided to fight for life, I continued building my resistance to death on those bases. I lost weight once again even though I was already underweight, but fortunately, my 28

organism accepted ordinary food. This time I didn’t feel confused and shocked like the first time my health had been endangered. I trusted my specialist; I stuck to the strict regime I was prescribed at that time (it was 1963 back then – three hours of lying down in the morning and four hours of recumbent form in the afternoon). I’ll endure everything only to stop being positive for TB and to be able to see and cuddle my child. That was my main motivation. I was enduring anguish once again in the Jordanovac Clinic for two years more. I was cured and sent again to the Rovigno hospital to rehabilitate for one year more. This time I came to this hospital as the winner. My fight for life and my being in love with life got their reward, and that was my regained health. When I was leaving hospital, when I was thanking my doctor, he said, – Don’t thank me, thank yourself. I didn’t believe I’d be able to cure you. It was very critical. We talked about it. With your goodwill and positive attitude to life, you acti- vated everything hidden in you and your cheerful nature defeated death. I didn’t agree with you at the beginning, but I learned a lot from you. We are friends even today and we recount my adven- tures in hospital with a lot of humour. That’s how I got the premium reward – I defeated death...in defiance of time. I wrote several poems and short stories during that period of imprisonment. Unfortunately, I lost them while I was migrating around. Some of them have been saved, and there they are in the following lines of this book... 29

TO DEATH One dies only once... When I die, it is also your end, Death. People believe in your power of finality. However, in that other eternal world, the cosmos one, you, Death, have no power any more. Death – you are dying then, too. My poem and I speak, we stay in Eternity. You should know that, Death! 30

RROOVVIIGNNJ O (ROVINJ) Posvećeno Mariji Vozili DReaddiocasteedvrtaoćMamartijeabVi ozili TYYLLEIYWTTMNIVBIKVSGKČO’zoooeoaiimnnihiiero'kjlkaknoldieluuuaadseeitjustlkeeiinžihidrkzghznvlmaaentnetpstasioareeof.arrsSešhgsiaknoaobiFeewjttmesneyniiličjav.ouerijiznygbognaeaoelFimyormhpeloajuourmxspbuua-begoiriotolplaošsšvrmssnzaaaifehobpsrkaitiaitnmbcgdlmrsoroetmanneoiikpiiiikaanjnrobmlnsinyyeaircatj.yrmt,ueekioampvoinoot,igrgčatn'igiuoovondeiomseayyucrsoojnb.ftunjaoiaatntpofdluotiohćitiludrohdutrfrnrlugoutheoievaeergahvulerasdmlial.siimsohamđignseam.dđoehedaansloeant.yndwa.np,jjneasjcoakdkhn.iairrdmeteanrlfiiuetysl.. 31 31

And unforgettable town. Mighty is the sea that’s Roaring, rustling, singing, and Swinging you mildly in its laps. In your heart and bosom Sparkle does the friendship That often in the darkness of life Was the torch whose flame gave me Hope that following days won’t lose their light. To my devastated body And exhausted soul Did you return their strength. So, I thank you For your loving lap. 32

A GREEN BEAUTY I see her offer all the luxuriance of this planet! Stones, mountains, fragrant woods, fiords, Truffles, asparagus, lavender, Rivers, mines, grottoes, thermal waters, I see her give olives, figs, And vines That grow out of her terra rossa. Prosciutto, wine, and cheese Are made made by diligent people. Fishermen make sure nets are full. Clear blue sea is embraces and wraps her With its warmth and fragrance, The Green Beauty. Her tumultuous history and customs Does she tell and show proudly to everyone. With a smile does she welcome Every visitor and guest. This Green Beauty’s Name is ISTRIA. 33

TO MY TAMARA You are the gift of love to me. IYowMuaO’rsJewOmJaiTottiAnhMgerAf’osRrmIyoosutwpritehcijoouy.s gift, My dear girl. Ljubav mi te darovala. BeS brardavoešć, umiyžgeilrjol,m te čekala. MMayajgčoinodsilnuacjkvrfojeldlonwijiydoaur OnDjyeovuorjčwicaeym, ionjay.our life. You’re wonderful, my precious one. Hrabra mi budi IAYopnDNSurrdiaaervnypćneaeuaytvotnesueseia,rkžnfmiliagvellateotemwltsnpiitontrhomoatttz.iealakarteosc,. are of you MMy odleimaragnirđle, ltehdeaotneečaunvdajounly. YoOIunčieatrdveootzjheveosulgezifdatmaosafelnoavpeutnoem. e... Djevojčice moja jedina. Ljubav mi te darovala… 34 34

Life...Happiness People save least what they want to keep most – their own life. Bruyère Happiness is the only thing we can give to others even when we don’t have it in ourselves. C. Sylva 35

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LIFE IS A GIFT That fact did I realise for the first time for real when I was carrying and bore my daughter, and the second when I defeated death. As of that time, I respect life and celebrate each day of it. That encompasses the joy of life, forgiveness, compromise, and gratitude in dramatic ev- eryday life. Living is a journey, in which every participant is alone in a constant process of transformations. “I am the captain of my own ship.” The majority of us adult people mostly make three life decisions: 1) where to live, 2) what’s going to be our work, and 3) who we will live with; but, that is not enough. The question is how we will feel when all that comes true. We are the children of the Universe. We breathe with it. When we open our hearts and mind to the strength of our souls, we are getting to know the creative energy of the Universe in ourselves. Only then do we make our own reality through thoughts and feelings; creativity is born in all our activities and rela- tionships by us. One is a small part of Nature’s mosaic. We get all the necessary intelligence through our genes. Without a real connection between us and nature, there is neither true happiness nor health consequently, and the one who has fallen in love with life feels strength and youth in their body, which bring about health and happi- ness, and the latter ensures success. Happiness is the inner state of the spirit; the part of life which is given to us. There is no simple formula for achieving happiness. The knowledge of creating happi- 37

ness is existent in all cultures of the world: ancient India, Vedic tradition, China, Japan, and American Indians, and it also runs through Christianity and Islam. The skill of cre- ating happiness is reflected in the fact that one shouldn’t allow life to leave only scars but to make it leave wisdom, too. I am happy when I feel happiness in me and around me, in the woods, on the sea, all the way to the universe. Perhaps, it is smiling at me then. Without a real connec- tion between us and nature, there can neither be true happiness. Happiness is a process and an eternal move- ment forwards. Happiness is not a condition. The aim in life is to search for happiness. Happiness must be nurtured and fed, just like a new- born child. We experience complete happiness when love is blooming in our hearts. 38

RESTLESSNESS My soul is restless like the ocean when whipped by a hurricane. Sometimes a tear is born out of that storm, then longing, sorrow, Sometimes a smile, love, forgiveness, sometimes a poem. I love storms. They’re followed by smooth water. My soul and body are at rest then; that’s when I know how to love nicely. 39

HAPPINESS When I feel your closeness and familiar smell of your tobacco, I’m happy then. When I walk my legs next to yours, I’m happy then. When you hold me in your embrace and kiss me while I’m diving into you, I’m happy then. When we are silent and our silences communicate, I’m happy then. 40

PRIČAJ MI PRIČAJ TELL ME A STORY, TELL Posvećeno unuku Maliku ČDeedsticoastetdutgoommybgdraijnedmsoinpMlaačleikm. Nemam te tu kraj sebe dI’ma toifpterničaawmakperiačned crying. kYoauo’rneenkoatdh. ere next to me so I can tell you stories Ulikoenboejfomrea.loj sobi –guTiwndhhPčajeiereprlrieačsekcaiiayynjpsobbttouhoeasaedmkttnooldk,ittlpireteprlseivsučlretayotjtouarjsmoakšžeijdoedfionmromomloi.ore: , – Tell me a story, granny, tell me once again. (Cover page of the fairy tale A WOLF AND SEVEN LAMBS) 41 41

I’m often awake with sorrow; and my thoughts go back to the little room where on a nightstand a Harlequin holds a lantern and shines. A wolf and seven lambs with me are listening to you asking endlessly for more stories, – Read to me, granny, read! I’m often awake with sorrow… 42

A DAINTY Today, I’m looking after my grandson, my dearest sweet and cute lovely boy. He will be with me all day long. I’m joyfully awaiting his parents to bring him to me. I’ll cherish him, cuddle him, feed him, I’ll read him fairy tales, and sing to him. I’ll answer his countless questions, Why, why, why… It’s raining outside so we’re going to draw and paint today, and be cutting out figures and shapes; we’ll also make and bake pancakes; he’s already ordered them. I’ll get a few sweet lovely kisses and hugs from my little boy of joy. I’m joyfully awaiting the dainty In the evening of my life. 43

I’M COVERING YOU WITH MY KISSES Tired, frozen, beaten by life, you are lying on my sofa, wrapped in a fur blanket; got asleep like a little child, safely by his mother’s side. Somewhere at times passed, we loved each other nicely. Today, we are pressed by the shackles of life. I’m opening all my windows to imagination. I’m taking off your clothes in my mind’s eye, my kisses are being put on your naked body. One long kiss as a breeze on your high forehead that keeps deep secret oceans of thoughts. A soft kiss, only a bit of breath, on your tired eyes, so I don’t wake you up. I’m pouring my kisses onto your fine, shaved face, here and there; I’m enchanted by the familiar tobacco’s smell. I’m lightly kissing your nose. Your lips am I kissing with the softest kiss. I don’t want to let the geysers out. I’m spreading my hair to cover your chest with it. I’m putting my ear on your good heart, big and open. I’m listening to its beats calmly and press a long kiss on, as if celebrating it. I let my hair cover your belly and the volcano of passion. I just want to kiss you and love you for this very moment; Just as if it is forever. 44

I curl up in your lap; You’re holding me naked in your arms. I’m taking your hands that used to hug me gently; I’m kissing your palms’ pads that used to work for me. You’re embracing me with your legs, you’ve hidden me in a fortress so you don’t lose me again. And I – I’m covering you with my kisses. 45

A POEM A poem is a never-dying life. A poem is a soul wailing. A poem is a ravishing singing of the sirens. A poem is comfort and hope. A poem is a tireless guide. A poem is a never-dying life. 46

The urges of the heart are following our lives 47

LOVE We should take a look at the hieroglyphs as old as 3000 years BC, where poets celebrate love, or at the records and architecture of ancient India (a stone temple in the village of Khajuraho, in middle India), at Greek and Roman antiques of the classical period so that we don’t think love is a relatively modern concept. As opposed to vulgar contemporary pornography, love is wittily celebrated (on vases and sculptures) as divine and wittily. Love inspired the artists of all types of art. The word love sounds soft in our language, pleasant (it sounds rough in Swedish; kärlek is pronounced as /Čerlek/). Love is the sun of our lives; it is the biggest happi- ness that may happen to humankind and the strongest, the most precious need. It gives meaning to life. It is the inspiration of everything in the world. It doesn’t want to know about limits or age; it belongs to all generations. Its arrows shoot and hit us since time immemorial. It is the strong energy that ennobles us. Like the flowers embel- lish a valley, so does love embellish our lives. Everything is easier when there’s love. We would be like stones if there were not for love. Love is not only a hug, kiss and passion between two people, but is a complex state of a being with a lot of ex- quisiteness. Love is giving, compassion, sympathy, moral goodness, altruism, surpassing oneself. Every person has one’s own definition of love. Thus, Stendhal tells about love-passion, love-vanity, love-defiance, and so on with 48

all possible beginnings, flow, and the end. All cultures and religions of the world talk about the love to the close ones. Maternal love is the basis of one’s growing and bringing up. And there’s that one special love, when the chemistry of soul mates is mixed together so that they are linked into one soul. Those people are the lucky and the happy ones forever! A divine feeling! They are rare, but they exist – exceptions prove the rule. Falling in love and love are often confused. Wrong. Falling in love is a temporary enchantment. Indescriba- ble feelings are awakened in us; we are under the control of a special exhilaration of the soul; we feel as if a new person has entered our body and taken away our mind... the whirls of ecstasy. Our will has nothing to do with it. We are not interested in real events, we just want to be by our loved person and enjoy the touching and kissing. It is a kind of fever, trembling, that possesses our body, mind and heart; until it passes. When love is blooming inside us, we experience com- plete happiness. It is the perfection of life. Love leaves the seal in our lives... In defiance of time! 49

LOVE TORCH The other day, by phone, you told me, You’re breaking me, I have no brain any more! and begged, Don’t touch me. Today, you are here, by my side, you’re trembling and whispering, I love you...I want you. The thunder of our passion has calmed down. The silence is quiet. Silently and peacefully, the day is fading away. I’m lying in your arms, I’m sinking under your soft, warm lips that are whispering to me, You’re my happiness. I’m alive only with you. 50