Love On The Brain (2)

["\u201cBut you\u2014\u201d I press my lips together. \u201cListen, we\u2019re co-leaders. We should make disciplinary decisions together, which means that you can\u2019t accuse anyone of anything until I\u2019m on board, too. And that\u2019s not going to happen until I see actual proof that someone on the team is doing this.\u201d He\u2019s looking down at me with a soft, amused expression, as if he finds my irritation particularly endearing. What a sadist. \u201cOkay?\u201d I prompt him. He nods. \u201cOkay.\u201d He unlocks his helmet and ties it under his chin. I most definitely do not notice the flex of his biceps. \u201cAnd, Bee?\u201d \u201cYeah?\u201d He mounts the bike and starts riding away. \u201cI\u2019ll let you know which 5K I settle on.\u201d He\u2019s giving me his back, but I flip him off anyway.","12 VENTRAL STRIATUM: YEARNING SHMAC: That GRE tweet is becoming a bit of a thing, huh? It sure is. If by \u201cbit\u201d he means \u201ca lot.\u201d And if by \u201cthing\u201d he means \u201cshitstorm.\u201d I have no idea how it even happened. The day I sent the tweet I went to bed after reading comments of people talking about their negative experiences with the test. When I woke up, there was a hashtag (#FairGraduateAdmissions), and dozens of associations of women and minorities in STEM had announced a GRE strike, encouraging students to turn in their grad school applications without the GRE. @OliviaWeiBio If everyone does it, grad programs will have no choice but to evaluate us based on our experiences, CV, previous e\ufb00orts, and skills. Basically, what they should already be doing.","Have I mentioned how much I love women in STEM? Because I loooove women in STEM. Two hours later, a journalist from The Atlantic messaged me, asking for an interview. Then CNN. Then Chronicle of Higher Ed. Then Fox News (as if!). I paired up with Shmac to reach an even wider audience, and together we issued a thousand-word essay summarizing the lack of scientific evidence supporting the use of the GRE as an admission tool. I encouraged news outlets to interview the women who started the hashtag (except for Fox News, which I left on read). Several people came forward and talked to the media about the number of minimum-wage hours necessary to afford the test, about their frustration when wealthier classmates with access to private tutoring performed better, about the crushing disappointment of being rejected by dream institutions despite perfect GPAs and research experience because their scores didn\u2019t meet some arbitrary cutoff by a few percentage points. They\u2019re still doing the rounds, with more people opening up. #FairGraduateAdmissions is a movement, and it has a real chance at getting rid of this stupid, unfair test. I\u2019ve been all aflutter. You know who else has been aflutter? Roc\u00edo. Who barged into the office declaring: \u201cI won\u2019t be preparing for the GRE anymore, in solidarity with my brethren. Johns Hopkins will have to acknowledge how badass I am from my other application materials.\u201d I looked up from my laptop and nodded. \u201cI support that.\u201d \u201cYou know why this is happening, right?\u201d She leaned conspiratorially over my desk. \u201cThe other day we talked about how shitty the GRE is, and now people are rallying against it because Marie started the conversation. It can\u2019t be a coincidence.\u201d \u201cOh,\u201d I stammered, \u201cwell, it probably is just a coincidence\u2014\u201d \u201cThere are no coincidences,\u201d she said, beautiful dark eyes staring into mine. \u201cBee, we both know who I owe this to.\u201d \u201cOh\u2014I\u2019m sure\u2014\u201d \u201cLa Llorona.\u201d She took her phone out of her pocket and showed me pictures of beautiful creeks. Her eyes shone. \u201cI\u2019ve been visiting nearby","places where she was sighted, leaving little tokens of appreciation.\u201d \u201cTokens?\u201d \u201cYes. Tarots, poems I wrote extolling the beauty of the macabre, pentagrams made of twigs. The usual.\u201d \u201cThe\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. usual.\u201d \u201cI think it\u2019s her way of saying, \u2018Roc\u00edo, I recognize a kindred spirit, perhaps even a successor in you.\u2019\u2009\u201d She smiled at me, setting her bag on her desk. \u201cI am so happy, Bee.\u201d I smiled back and went back to work, relieved that Roc\u00edo doesn\u2019t suspect who\u2019s behind WWMD. Sometimes I wonder if Dr. Curie, too, had a secret identity she couldn\u2019t reveal. Period-wise, she could have been Jack the Ripper. Never say never, right? MARIE: Do you think we\u2019re actually going to get rid of the GRE? SHMAC: We\u2019re closer than ever, for sure. MARIE: Agreed. Thank you for helping out, by the way. Shmac and I have the same number of followers but completely different reaches. I hate thanking dudes for Sausage Referencing\u2122, but truth is, there are plenty of male academics who\u2019d rather guzzle curdled milk than engage with WWMD. Which is fine, because I\u2019d love nothing more than pouring gallons of curdled milk down their throats. Still, #FairGraduateAdmissions can use all the support it can get. MARIE: How\u2019s The Girl? SHMAC: How\u2019s Camel Dick? MARIE: Astonishingly, we\u2019re almost getting along. If we haven\u2019t come to blows yet, are we even collaborating?","Also, nice de ection. Tell me about The Girl. SHMAC: Everything\u2019s ne. MARIE: Fine has variable de nitions. Narrow it down. SHMAC: How narrow? MARIE: Very. SHMAC: Okay. Narrowingly: things are great, in the worst possible way. We\u2019ve been working together a lot because that\u2019s what the project demands. Which might be why I\u2019m on my fourth beer on a Thursday night. MARIE: Why is working together bad? SHMAC: It\u2019s just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I know things about her. MARIE: Things? SHMAC: I know what she loves to eat, what shows she watches, what makes her laugh, her opinions on pets. I know her dislikes (aside from me). I\u2019ve been cataloging a million little quirks of hers in my head, and they are enchanting. She is enchanting. Smart, funny, an incredible scientist. And\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. there are things. Things I think about. But I\u2019m drunk, and this is inappropriate. MARIE: I love inappropriate. SHMAC: Do you? MARIE: Sometimes. Hit me. SHMAC: I need you to know that I\u2019d never do anything to make her uncomfortable.","MARIE: Shmac, I know that. And if you ever did, I\u2019d cut your dick o\ufb00 with a rusty scalpel. SHMAC: Fair. MARIE: Tell me. The clock in the kitchen ticks on. Late-night cars make soft noises past the window, and the screen of my phone goes black. I don\u2019t think Shmac will continue. I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll open up, and it makes me sad. Even though I don\u2019t know anything about his life, I get the impression that if he doesn\u2019t do it with me, he won\u2019t with anyone else. My eyes drift closed, accustomed to the dark, and that\u2019s when my screen lights up again. The air rushes out of my lungs. SHMAC: I know what she smells like. This little freckle on her neck when she pulls up her hair. Her upper lip is a little plumper than the lower. The curve of her wrist, when she holds a pen. It\u2019s wrong, really wrong, but I know the shape of her. I go to sleep thinking about it, and then I wake up, go to work, and she is there, and it\u2019s impossible. I tell her stu\ufb00 I know she\u2019ll agree to, just to hear her hum back at me. It\u2019s like hot water down my fucking spine. She\u2019s married. She\u2019s brilliant. She trusts me, and all I think about is taking her to my o\ufb03ce, stripping her, doing unspeakable things to her. And I want to tell her. I want to tell her that she\u2019s luminous, she\u2019s so bright in my mind, sometimes I can\u2019t focus. Sometimes I forget why I came into the room. I\u2019m distracted. I want to push her against a wall, and I want her to push back. I want to go back in time and punch her stupid husband on the day I met him and then travel back to the future and punch him again. I want to buy her owers, food, books.","I want to hold her hand, and I want to lock her in my bedroom. She\u2019s everything I ever wanted and I want to inject her into my veins and also to never see her again. There\u2019s nothing like her and these feelings, they are fucking intolerable. They were half-asleep while she was gone, but now she\u2019s here and my body thinks it\u2019s a fucking teenager and I don\u2019t know what to do. I don\u2019t know what to do. There is nothing I can do, so I\u2019ll just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. not. I can\u2019t breathe. I can\u2019t move. I can\u2019t even swallow the knot in my throat. I might actually cry. For him. For this girl, who\u2019ll never know that someone holds these mountains of want inside. And maybe for me, because I\u2019ve made the choice to never feel this, never again. Never ever, and I realize now, now for the first time, what a terrible price I will pay. What a loss it will be. MARIE: Oh, Shmac. What else is there to say? He\u2019s in love with someone who doesn\u2019t love him back. Who is married. This story has no happy ending. And I think he knows, because he only replies with, SHMAC: Yeah. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201cHEY, BEE.\u201d I set aside my article and smile at Lamar. \u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d \u201cNot much. Just wanted to tell you that I\u2019ve updated the log system on the server.\u201d \u201cOh?\u201d","\u201cYeah. Nothing is changing on your end, but now users removing, replacing, or modifying files are automatically tracked. If something\u2019s iffy, we\u2019ll know who\u2019s responsible.\u201d \u201cGreat.\u201d I frown. \u201cWhy did you do that?\u201d \u201cBecause of the issues.\u201d \u201cThe issues?\u201d \u201cYeah. Missing files and all that. Levi called an engineering meeting to tear us a new one and asked me to change the server code.\u201d He shrugs sheepishly. \u201cSorry about the mess.\u201d He slips out of my office, leaving me to stare at my article. I am still staring three minutes later when someone else knocks on the doorframe. \u201cWhat\u2019s with your return air vent?\u201d Levi\u2019s in the entrance, filling it like Lamar couldn\u2019t quite manage. \u201cIt\u2019s missing the grille. I\u2019ll call maintenance \u2014\u201d \u201cNo!\u201d I swivel around. \u201cIt\u2019s how F\u00e9licette gets inside at night. To eat the treats I leave for her!\u201d He lifts one eyebrow. \u201cYou want an uncovered vent because your imaginary cat\u2014\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s not imaginary. I found a paw print next to my computer the other day. I texted it to you.\u201d And he replied, Looks like a splotch of Lean Cuisine. I hate him. \u201cRight. About tomorrow, we should head out early since New Orleans is over five hours away. I don\u2019t mind picking up the rental and driving. You can sleep in the car, but I\u2019d like to leave around six\u2014\u201d \u201cYou called the meeting.\u201d He cocks his head. A wisp of black hair falls on his brow. \u201cExcuse me?\u201d \u201cYou told the engineers about the missing files.\u201d \u201cAh.\u201d He presses his lips together. \u201cI did.\u201d I stand without knowing why. Put my hands on my hips, still not knowing why. \u201cI asked you not to.\u201d \u201cBee. It needed to be done.\u201d \u201cWe agreed that we wouldn\u2019t until we had proof.\u201d","He folds his arms on his chest, a stubborn line to his shoulders. \u201cWe didn\u2019t agree. You told me you didn\u2019t want to call a full meeting about it, and I didn\u2019t. But I\u2019m head of the engineering division, and I decided to tell my team about the issue.\u201d I snort. \u201cYour team is everyone but me and Roc\u00edo. Nice loophole.\u201d \u201cWhy does it bother you so much?\u201d \u201cBecause.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to be a little more articulate than that.\u201d \u201cBecause you did it behind my back.\u201d I bristle. \u201cJust like a month ago, when you didn\u2019t tell me about NASA trying to get BLINK canceled.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not the same at all.\u201d \u201cIt is in theory. And it\u2019s a matter of principle.\u201d I bite the inside of my cheek. \u201cIf we\u2019re co-leaders, we need to agree before taking disciplinary measures.\u201d \u201cNo disciplinary measure was taken. It was a five-minute meeting in which I asked my team to stop messing around with important files. I run a tight ship, and my team knows it\u2014no one made a big deal about this except for you.\u201d \u201cThen why didn\u2019t you tell me you were going to do it?\u201d His eyes harden, hot and dark and frustrated. He scans my face, silent, and I feel the tension rise in the room. This is about to escalate. To a full- blown fight. He\u2019ll yell at me to mind my business. I\u2019ll throw my Lean Cuisine at him. We\u2019ll pummel each other, people will rush to separate us, we will cause a spectacle. But he just says, \u201cI\u2019ll pick you up at six.\u201d His tone is steely. Inflexible. Cold. So different from the one he\u2019s used with me for the past five weeks. I wonder why that is. I wonder if he hates me. I wonder if I hate him. I wonder so much that I forget to answer him, but it doesn\u2019t matter. Because he\u2019s already gone.","13 SUPERIOR COLLICULI: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? ONE HOUR, TWENTY-FOUR minutes, and seventeen seconds. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. That\u2019s how long I\u2019ve been in this Nissan Altima that smells faintly like lemon and faux leather and Levi\u2019s delicious, masculine scent. And that\u2019s how long we\u2019ve been silent. Thoroughly, wholeheartedly silent. It\u2019s going to be a craptastic weekend. We\u2019re going to play 007 while barely talking to each other. I see no flaw in this plan. Is this my fault? Perhaps. Perhaps I initiated this\u2014remarkably immature, I must admit\u2014standoff, when I didn\u2019t say \u201cHi\u201d back to him this morning. Perhaps I\u2019m the culprit. But I don\u2019t give a flying squirrel because I\u2019m mad. So I\u2019m leaning in to it. I\u2019m hoarding all of my grievances against Levi and bulking them up into a big, withering, incandescent supernova of silent treatment that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Honestly, I\u2019m not sure he\u2019s noticed. He did lift his eyebrow after I refused to say \u201cHi,\u201d in my best impression of an eleven-year-old just done rereading The Baby-Sitters Club. But he shrugged it off pretty quickly. He put on a CD (Mer de Noms by A Perfect","Circle, and God, his amazing musical taste is like a knife to my ovaries) and started driving. Impassible. Relaxed. I bet he\u2019s not even thinking about it. I bet he doesn\u2019t care. I bet I\u2019m here, playing nervously with my grandmother\u2019s ring, sulking to the rhythm of \u201cJudith,\u201d while he\u2019s probably pondering the laws of thermodynamics or whether to join the No-Poo movement. What do dudes even think about all the time? The Dow Jones. MILF porn. Their next date. Does Levi date? I\u2019m sure he does, given the number of people who seem to think of him as a Sexy Guy\u2122. He might not be married, but maybe he\u2019s in a long-term relationship. Maybe he\u2019s deeply in love, like Shmac. Poor Shmac. My chest hurts in a messy, confusing way when I think about what he said. About Levi feeling similarly intense, scary, powerful things for a woman. About Levi doing the things Shmac talked about doing to her. I shiver, wondering why stray memories of Levi pressing me against a wall are still popping up in my head. Wondering whether the girlfriend he might not even have would be extraordinarily lucky or the very opposite. Wondering why I\u2019m even wondering\u2014 \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d I turn so fast I pull a muscle. \u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d \u201cFor what?\u201d I massage my neck. He stares at the road and lifts one eyebrow. \u201cIs this some educational technique? \u2018Apologizing for dummies\u2019?\u201d \u201cNo. I\u2019m honestly befuddled.\u201d \u201cThen, I\u2019m sorry for calling the meeting without asking for your approval.\u201d I squint. \u201c.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0Really?\u201d \u201cReally, what?\u201d \u201cAre you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. actually apologizing?\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d \u201cOh.\u201d I nod. \u201cTo be precise, then, you did ask for my approval. And I explicitly did not give it.\u201d","\u201cCorrect.\u201d I think he\u2019s biting the inside of his cheek to avoid smiling. \u201cI didn\u2019t heed your explicit advice. I wasn\u2019t trying to undermine your authority, or to act like your opinion is irrelevant. I think\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He presses his lips together. \u201cActually, I know I\u2019m overly invested in BLINK. Which makes me overly controlling and bossy. You\u2019re right, it was the second time I didn\u2019t discuss important issues with you.\u201d He finally looks at me. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Bee.\u201d I blink. Several times. \u201cWow.\u201d \u201cWow?\u201d \u201cThat was an excellent apology.\u201d I shake my head, disappointed. \u201cHow am I supposed to keep up my very adult silent treatment for the next three and a half hours?\u201d \u201cYou were planning to stop once we got to New Orleans?\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t, but realistically: well-executed cold shoulders require an enormous amount of upkeep, and I\u2019m first and foremost lazy.\u201d He laughs softly. \u201cShould we switch albums, then?\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cI thought late-nineties grunge might fit your mood, but if you\u2019re outgrowing your wrath, maybe we can listen to something a little less\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cAngry?\u201d \u201cYeah.\u201d \u201cWhat are our options?\u201d There\u2019s something exquisitely weird about Levi Ward telling me his phone\u2019s passcode (338338) and letting me poke around his music folder. His collection doesn\u2019t include a single embarrassing Nickelback song (I hate him). It\u2019s a mix of nineties bands\u2014my decade of choice\u2014except that they\u2019re all\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I opt for shuffle, settle back into my seat to gaze at the beautiful landscape, and give him the only criticism I can think of. \u201cYou do know women make music, too, right?\u201d \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d \u201cNothing.\u201d I shrug. \u201cJust that the entirety of your music library is angry white boys.\u201d","He frowns. \u201cNot true.\u201d \u201cRight. That\u2019s why you have exactly\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d I scroll down for a few seconds. More seconds. A minute. \u201c.\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 a grand total of zero female- performed songs on your phone.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s not possible.\u201d \u201cAnd yet.\u201d His scowl deepens. \u201cIt\u2019s just a coincidence.\u201d \u201cMmm.\u201d \u201cOkay\u2014I\u2019m not proud of it, but it\u2019s possible that my musical taste was influenced by the fact that in my formative years I, too, was an angry white boy.\u201d I snort. \u201cI bet you were. Well, if you ever want to work through that rage productively I could recommend some singer-songwriters\u2014\u201d There\u2019s something on the side of the road. I crane my neck to see better. \u201cOh my God.\u201d He gives me a worried look. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d \u201cNothing. I just\u2014\u201d I wipe my eyes. \u201cNothing.\u201d \u201cBee? Are you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. crying?\u201d \u201cNo,\u201d I lie. Poorly. \u201cIs it about female singer-songwriters?\u201d he says, panicky. \u201cI\u2019ll buy an album. Just let me know which one is best. Honestly, I don\u2019t know enough about them to\u2014\u201d \u201cNo. No, I\u2014 There was a dead possum. On the side of the road.\u201d \u201cOh.\u201d \u201cI\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. have issues. With roadkill.\u201d \u201cIssues?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. animals are so cute. Except for spiders. But spiders are not really animals.\u201d \u201cThey\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. are.\u201d \u201cAnd who knows where the possum was going? Maybe she had a family? Maybe she was bringing home food to kids who now wonder where Mommy is?\u201d I\u2019m making myself cry harder. I wipe my cheek and sniffle.","\u201cI\u2019m not sure wildlife abides by the rules of traditional nuclear family structure\u2014\u201d Levi notices my glare and instantly shuts up. He scratches his nape and adds, \u201cIt\u2019s sad.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s okay. I\u2019m fine. I\u2019m emotionally stable.\u201d His lips curl up. \u201cAre you?\u201d \u201cThis is nothing. Tim used to make me play this stupid \u2018Guess the Roadkill\u2019 game to toughen me up, and once I literally ran out of tears.\u201d Levi\u2019s jaw hardens visibly. \u201cAnd when I was twelve we saw a family of splattered hedgehogs on a Belgian highway and I cried so hard that when we stopped to get gas, a Federale Politie agent questioned my uncle on suspicion of child maltreatment.\u201d \u201cGot it. No stops until New Orleans.\u201d \u201cNo, I promise I\u2019m done crying. I\u2019m an adult with a shriveled, hardened heart now.\u201d He gives me a skeptical glance, but then says, \u201cBelgium, huh?\u201d and his voice is curious. \u201cYeah. But don\u2019t get too excited, it was the Flemish part.\u201d \u201cI thought you said you were from France.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m from all over the place.\u201d I take off my sandals and push my legs against the dashboard, hoping Levi won\u2019t take offense at my bright yellow nail polish and my incredibly ugly pinkies. I call them the Quasimotoes. \u201cWe were born in Germany. My father was German and Polish, and my mother half-Italian, half-American. They were very\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. nomadic? My dad was a technical writer, so he could work anywhere. They\u2019d settle in one place, stay for a few months, then move to a new one. And our extended family was very scattered. So when they died, we\u2014\u201d \u201cThey died?\u201d Levi turns to me, wide-eyed. \u201cYeah. Freak car accident. Airbags didn\u2019t work. They\u2019d been recalled, but\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I shrug. \u201cWe\u2019d just turned four.\u201d \u201cWe?\u201d He\u2019s more invested in my life story than I expected. I thought he just wanted to fill the silence. \u201cMe and my twin sister. We don\u2019t really have memories of our parents. Anyway, after their death we were sent from relative to relative. There was","Italy, Germany, Germany again, Switzerland, the US, Poland, Spain, France, Belgium, the UK, Germany again, a brief stint in Japan, the US again. And so on.\u201d \u201cAnd you\u2019d learn the language?\u201d \u201cMore or less. We were enrolled in local schools\u2014which, total pain, having to make new friends every few months. There were times I thought in so many languages I didn\u2019t even speak, I couldn\u2019t understand the inside of my own head. Not to mention, we\u2019d always be the kids with an accent, the kids who didn\u2019t really get the culture, so we never properly fit in, and\u2014 Shouldn\u2019t you be monitoring the road instead of staring at me?\u201d He blinks repeatedly, as if shaking off the shock, and then looks straight ahead. \u201cSorry,\u201d he mumbles. \u201cAnyway. There were lots of countries, lots of relatives. Eventually we landed in the US with my maternal aunt for the last two years of high school.\u201d I shrug. \u201cI\u2019ve been here ever since.\u201d \u201cAnd your sister?\u201d \u201cReike\u2019s like my parents used to be. All wanderlustful. She left as soon as she legally could, and for the past decade she\u2019s been going from place to place, doing odd jobs, living day by day. She likes to\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . just be, you know?\u201d I laugh. \u201cI\u2019m positive that if my parents were alive they\u2019d gang up with Reike against me for not loving to travel like they do. But I don\u2019t. Reike\u2019s all about seeing new places and making new memories, but to me, if you constantly go after new things, there\u2019s never enough of anything.\u201d I run a hand through my hair, playing with the purple tips. \u201cI don\u2019t know. Maybe I\u2019m just lazy.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not that,\u201d Levi says. I glance up. \u201cYou want stability. Permanency.\u201d He nods, as if he just found the missing piece of a puzzle and the resulting picture suddenly makes sense. \u201cTo be somewhere long enough to build a sense of belonging.\u201d \u201cHey, Freud,\u201d I say mildly, \u201cyou done with the unsolicited therapy?\u201d He flushes. \u201cThat will be three hundred dollars.\u201d \u201cSeems like the going rate.\u201d \u201cAre you and your sister identical?\u201d","\u201cYes. Though she insists that she\u2019s prettier. That dumbass.\u201d I roll my eyes fondly. \u201cDo you see her often?\u201d I shake my head. \u201cI haven\u2019t seen her in person in almost two years.\u201d And even then, it was two days, a layover in New York on her way to Alaska from\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . I have no clue. I\u2019ve long lost track. \u201cBut we talk on the phone a lot.\u201d I grin. \u201cFor example, I bitch to her about you.\u201d \u201cFlattering.\u201d He smiles. \u201cMust be nice to be close with your sibling.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not? Did you drive a rift between you and your brothers with your bad habit of doing stuff without clearing it with them first?\u201d He shakes his head, still smiling. \u201cThere is no rift. Just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. what\u2019s the opposite of a rift?\u201d \u201cA closing?\u201d \u201cYeah. That.\u201d Whatever the state of his relationship with his brothers is, he doesn\u2019t seem happy about it, and I feel a pang of guilt. \u201cSorry. I didn\u2019t mean to imply that your family hates you because you\u2019re a control freak.\u201d He smiles. \u201cYou\u2019re just as much a control freak as I am, Bee. And I think it has more to do with the fact that I\u2019m the only member of my extended family who\u2019s not in some military career.\u201d \u201cReally?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d I bend my legs and angle myself to face him. \u201cIs it an unspoken rule in your family? You must be in the armed forces, or you shall be a failure?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s absolutely spoken. I\u2019m the official disappointment. Only cousin who\u2019s a civilian\u2014out of seven. The peer pressure is intense.\u201d \u201cWhoa.\u201d \u201cLast year, at Thanksgiving, my uncle publicly asked me to change my name to stop bringing shame to the family. This was before he guzzled a case of Blue Moon.\u201d I scowl. \u201cYou are a NASA engineer with Nature publications.\u201d \u201cYou kept track of my pubs?\u201d","I eye-roll. \u201cI don\u2019t. Sam just likes to blabber about how amazing you are.\u201d \u201cMaybe I should bring her to Thanksgiving next year.\u201d \u201cHey.\u201d I poke his bicep with my index finger. It\u2019s hard and warm through the sleeve of his shirt. \u201cI know we\u2019re\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. nemesi?\u201d \u201cNemeses.\u201d \u201c\u2014nemeses, but your family doesn\u2019t. And I usually spend Thanksgiving trying to see how many vegan marshmallows I can stuff into my mouth. So if next year you need someone to explain exactly how amazing you are at your job\u2014or even just to bitch-slap them\u2014I\u2019m available.\u201d I smile, and after a few seconds he smiles back, a little soft. There is something relaxing about this. About here. About the moment we\u2019re having. Maybe it\u2019s that Levi and I know exactly where we stand when it comes to each other. Or that for both of us, the most important thing in the world right now is BLINK. Maybe there is a connection between us. A very odd, very complicated one. I lean back in my seat. \u201cThat,\u201d I muse, \u201cis the one pro of being an orphan.\u201d \u201cWhat is?\u201d \u201cHaving no parents to disappoint.\u201d He mulls it over. \u201cCan\u2019t argue with that logic.\u201d After that we go back to our Hostile Companionable Silence\u2122. And after a little longer I fall asleep, Thom Yorke\u2019s voice low and soothing in my ears. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 I HAVE BEEN at HBI for three and a half minutes when I meet the first person I know, a former RA in Sam\u2019s lab who\u2019s now a Ph.D. student at\u2014I glance at his badge\u2014Stony Brook. We hug, catch up a bit, promise to get together for drinks over the weekend (we won\u2019t). By the time I turn around, Levi has met someone he knows (an elderly guy with a fanny pack and an","eyeglass chain that scream \u201cengineer\u201d from the top of the Grand Canyon). The cycle lasts about twenty minutes. \u201cJesus,\u201d I mutter once we\u2019re alone. It\u2019s not as though we\u2019re famous, or anything like that, but the world of neuroimaging is very insular. Incestuous. Inescapable. And lots of other I adjectives. \u201cI had more social interactions in the past twenty minutes than in the last ten months,\u201d he mumbles. \u201cI saw you smile at least four times.\u201d I pat his arm comfortingly. \u201cThat can\u2019t have been easy.\u201d \u201cI might have to lie down.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll get an ice pack for your cheeks.\u201d I look around the crowded hall, suddenly reminded of why I hate academic conferences. \u201cWhy did we come today, anyway? MagTech\u2019s presentation\u2019s not until tomorrow.\u201d \u201cBoris\u2019s order. A feeble attempt to look like we\u2019re not just here to snoop, I believe.\u201d I grin. \u201cDo you ever feel like we\u2019re super-spies and he\u2019s our handler?\u201d He gives me a half-amused, half-withering look. \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cCome on. Boris\u2019s totally the M to my James Bond.\u201d \u201cIf you\u2019re James Bond, who am I?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re the Bond girl. I\u2019m going to seduce you in exchange for blueprints and stab you while I sip on my martini.\u201d I wink at Levi, then realize that he\u2019s flushing. Did I go too far? \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to\u2014\u201d \u201cThere are a couple of engineering talks I want to go to,\u201d he says abruptly, pointing at the conference program and sounding remarkably normal. I must have imagined it. \u201cYou?\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s a panel at four that sounds interesting. Also, it\u2019s my sacred duty to go out for a drink. Big Easy and all that.\u201d \u201cOh. Did you want to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I cock my head. \u201cWant to?\u201d He clears his throat. \u201cDid you want company? Were you already planning to go with your friend, or\u2014\u201d \u201cMy friend?\u201d \u201cThat friend of yours.\u201d","\u201cWho?\u201d \u201cI forgot her name. That girl who was in Sam\u2019s lab? Dark hair, did fNIRS research, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He squints. \u201cNah, that\u2019s all I remember.\u201d \u201cAre you talking about Annie Johansson?\u201d He glances back at the program. \u201cMaybe? That sounds right.\u201d I can\u2019t believe Levi forgot Annie\u2019s name after she pursued him mercilessly for ages. She knew his damn blood type, for cake\u2019s sake. Probably his social security number, too. \u201cWhy would I go for drinks with her?\u201d \u201cI just assumed,\u201d he says absentmindedly. \u201cYou two were inseparable.\u201d My heartbeat picks up. Probably for no reason. \u201cBut she\u2019s not here.\u201d Levi\u2019s still reading the program, not really paying attention to me. \u201cI thought I saw her a minute ago.\u201d I whirl around. Yes, my palms are starting to sweat, but just because sometimes they do. All palms sweat sometimes, right? I look about frantically, but I\u2019m sure that Annie\u2019s not here. She can\u2019t be. Levi didn\u2019t even remember her name\u2014he can\u2019t be right about this. He probably thinks that all women with dark hair look the same and\u2014 Annie. With a shorter haircut. And a pretty lilac dress. And a big smile on her pretty lips. Standing in line at the badge reclamation station, chatting with someone, someone who just walked up and is handing her a cup of coffee, someone who\u2014 Tim. Tim. I see Tim, but only for a second. Then my vision blurs, large black dots swallowing the world. I\u2019m hot. I\u2019m cold. I\u2019m sweaty. I\u2019m shaking like a leaf and my heart is pounding and I\u2019m flying away. \u201cBee.\u201d Levi\u2019s voice grounds me for a second, warm and deep and worried and solid and thank God he\u2019s here, or I\u2019d be scattered all over, debris in the wind. \u201cBee, are you okay?\u201d I\u2019m not. I\u2019m dying. I\u2019m fainting. I\u2019m having a panic attack. My heart and my head are exploding. \u201cBee?\u201d","Levi is holding me now. Holding me again and I\u2019m in his arms and it feels like I\u2019m safe, how is it possible that when he\u2019s around, only when he\u2019s around, I really feel sa\u2014","14 PERIAQUEDUCTAL GRAY & THE HIPPOCAMPUS: PAINFUL MEMORIES THIS IS NOT my hotel room. First of all, it has a way better view. A busy, picturesque New Orleans street, instead of that cluttered courtyard with stacked patio furniture. Second, it smells faintly like pine and soap. Third, and perhaps most important: it\u2019s not messy, and if I have one talent in the world, it\u2019s turning a hotel room into complete non-vandalic chaos within the first three minutes of my stay. Your girl has some serious splinter skills. I sit up in the bed, which I assume is also not mine. The first thing I see is green. A particular brand of green: Levi Green\u2122. \u201cYo,\u201d I tell him, a little stupidly, and immediately slump back on the pillow. I feel drained. Exhausted. Nauseous. Out of it. How did I get here, anyway? Levi comes to sit next to me, on the side of the bed. \u201cHow are you?\u201d The rich rumble of his voice is a hint of sorts. The last time I heard it was very recently. And I couldn\u2019t breathe. I couldn\u2019t breathe because\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0? \u201cDid I lose consciousness?\u201d","He nods. \u201cNot immediately. You walked with me to the elevator. Then I carried you here.\u201d It comes back to me at once. Tim. Annie. Tim and Annie. They\u2019re here at the conference. Talking. To each other. I must be in Levi\u2019s bed and the inside of my head is rotten and I\u2019m losing it again and\u2014 \u201cDeep breaths,\u201d he orders. \u201cIn and out. Don\u2019t think about it, okay? Just breathe. Steady.\u201d His voice is just in-charge enough. The perfect amount of commanding. When I\u2019m like this, a hairbreadth from exploding, I need structure. External frontal lobes. I need someone to think for me until I\u2019ve calmed down. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s more upsetting: that Levi is doing this for me, or that I\u2019m not even surprised about it. \u201cThank you,\u201d I say when I\u2019m more in control. I turn to my side, and my right cheek brushes against the pillow. \u201cThis was\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Thank you.\u201d He scans my face, unconvinced. \u201cAre you feeling better?\u201d \u201cA little. Thank you for not freaking out.\u201d He shakes his head, holding my eyes, and I take more deep breaths. Seems like a good idea. \u201cWant to talk about it?\u201d \u201cNot really.\u201d He nods and does what he did weeks ago, after saving me from the almost-pancaking: he puts his warm hand on my brow and pushes my hair back. It might be the best thing I\u2019ve felt in months. Years. \u201cIs there anything I can do?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d He nods again and makes to stand. The dread in the pit of my stomach is back with a vengeance. \u201cCan you\u2014\u201d I realize that I slid my finger through one of the belt loops in his jeans and immediately flush and let go. Still, all the embarrassment in the world isn\u2019t enough to keep me from continuing. \u201cCan you stay? Please? I know you\u2019d probably rather be\u2014\u201d \u201cNowhere else,\u201d he says, without skipping a beat. \u201cThere\u2019s nowhere else I\u2019d rather be.\u201d We stay like that, in the Hostile Companionable Silence\u2122 that\u2019s as much a part of our relationship as BLINK, and peanut-butter energy balls, and arguing about F\u00e9licette\u2019s existence. After a minute, or maybe thirty, he asks, \u201cWhat happened, Bee?\u201d and if he sounded pushy, or","accusing, or embarrassed, it would be so easy to shut him down. But there\u2019s only pure, naked concern in his eyes, and I don\u2019t just want to tell him. I need to. \u201cAnnie and I had a falling out in our last year of grad school. We haven\u2019t talked since.\u201d He closes his eyes. \u201cI\u2019m a fucking asshole.\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d I close my fingers around his wrist. \u201cLevi, you\u2014\u201d \u201cI fucking pointed her out to you\u2014\u201d \u201cYou couldn\u2019t have known.\u201d I sniffle. \u201cI mean, you are an asshole, but for other reasons.\u201d I smile. I must look ridiculous, my cheeks glistening with sweat and tears and smudged mascara. He doesn\u2019t seem to mind, at least judging from the way he cups my face, his thumb warm on my skin. It\u2019s a lot of touching for two nemeses, but I\u2019ll allow it. I might even welcome it. \u201cAnnie\u2019s at Vanderbilt,\u201d he says with the tone of someone who\u2019s talking to himself. \u201cWith Schreiber.\u201d \u201cYou do remember her, then.\u201d \u201cSeeing you like this definitely jostled my memory. Other things, too.\u201d He doesn\u2019t move his hand, which is totally fine by me. \u201cIs that why you\u2019re not working with Schreiber? Why you\u2019re with that idiot, Trevor Slate?\u201d \u201cTrevor is not an idiot,\u201d I correct him. \u201cHe\u2019s a sexist, imbecile dickhead. But, yeah. We were supposed to do our postdocs together. We even timed our graduations so we\u2019d move to Nashville at the same time. And then\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I shrug as best as I can. \u201cThen that mess happened, and I couldn\u2019t go anymore. I couldn\u2019t be with her and Tim.\u201d He frowns. \u201cTim?\u201d \u201cAll three of us were supposed to work with Schreiber.\u201d \u201cBut what does Tim have to do with this?\u201d This is the hard bit. The part I\u2019ve only said out loud twice. Once to Reike, and later to my therapist. I tell myself to breathe. Deeply. In and out. \u201cIt was over Tim, the falling out Annie and I had.\u201d Levi tenses. His hand moves lower, to cup the back of my neck. Somehow it\u2019s exactly what I need. \u201cBee.\u201d","\u201cI think you know how Tim was. Because everyone knew how Tim was.\u201d I smile. The tears are flowing again, quietly unstoppable. \u201cWell, except for me. I just\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . I met him in my freshman year of college, you know? And he liked me. And that winter I had nowhere to go, and he asked if I wanted to spend it with his family. Which, of course, I did. It was amazing. God, I miss his family. His mother would knit me socks\u2014isn\u2019t it the loveliest thing, knitting something warm for someone? I still wear them when it\u2019s cold.\u201d I wipe my cheeks with my wrists. \u201cMy therapist said that I didn\u2019t want to see. To admit how Tim truly was, because I overinvested in our relationship. Because if I acknowledged that he was a jerk, then I\u2019d have to give up on the rest of his family, too. Maybe she\u2019s right, but I think I just wanted to trust him, you know? We were together for years. He asked me to marry him. He invited me into his life when no one else ever had. You trust a person like that, don\u2019t you?\u201d \u201cBee.\u201d Levi\u2019s looking at me in a way that I cannot comprehend. Because no one has ever looked at me like that. \u201cSo, there were all these other girls. Women. I never blamed them\u2014it wasn\u2019t their job to look after my relationship. I only ever blamed Tim.\u201d My lips taste like salt and too much water. \u201cWe\u2019d been engaged for three years when I found out. I confronted him and took off my engagement ring and told him that we were done, that he\u2019d betrayed me, that I hoped he got gonorrhea and his dick fell off\u2014I don\u2019t even know what I told him. I was so mad I wasn\u2019t even crying. But he said that it didn\u2019t mean anything. That he didn\u2019t think I\u2019d be so upset about it, and that he\u2019d stop. That if I\u2019d been\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d I can\u2019t even bring myself to repeat it, the way he twisted everything to make it my fault. If you fucked me a little more frequently, he\u2019d said. If you were better. If you knew how to enjoy it and make it enjoyable. You could at least put in some effort. \u201cWe\u2019d been together for seven years. No one else had been in my life that long before, so I took him back. And I tried harder. I put more effort in\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . in our relationship. In making him happy. I\u2019m not a victim\u2014I made an informed choice. Figured that if getting married, if stability was what I wanted, then I shouldn\u2019t give up on Tim too quickly. You reap what you sow.\u201d I let out a shuddering sigh.","\u201cAnd then he and Annie\u2014\u201d My voice breaks, but Levi can imagine the rest. He knows enough already, probably more than he ever cared to. He doesn\u2019t need it spelled out, that I was such a needy, pitiful doormat that not only did I take back my cheater of a fianc\u00e9, but I also never realized that he kept cheating on me. With my closest friend. In the lab where I was working every day. I don\u2019t think about Annie too often, because the pain of losing her, I never quite learned how to manage. \u201cI don\u2019t know why she did it. But I couldn\u2019t go with them to Vanderbilt. It was career suicide, but I just couldn\u2019t.\u201d \u201cYou\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d Levi\u2019s hand tightens on my nape. \u201cYou didn\u2019t marry him. You never married him.\u201d I smile, rueful. \u201cThe worst thing is, I tried to forgive him for a long time. But then I couldn\u2019t, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I shake my head. Levi is blinking, a dumbfounded expression on his face. \u201cYou\u2019re not married,\u201d he repeats, and I sit up as his shock finally penetrates my brain. \u201cYou\u2014you thought I was?\u201d He nods, and I let out a wet laugh. \u201cI was sure you knew, since you and Tim collaborate. And I let Guy believe it, because I thought you were trying to give me an out, but\u201d\u2014I lift my left hand\u2014\u201cthis is my grandmother\u2019s ring. I\u2019m not married. Tim and I haven\u2019t spoken in years.\u201d Levi mouths something I cannot make out and pulls his hand back, as though all of a sudden my skin is scorching him. He stands and walks to the window, staring outside as he runs a hand through his hair. Is he angry? \u201cLevi?\u201d No reply. He rubs his mouth with his fingers, as if deep in thought, as if coming to terms with some seismic event. \u201cLevi, I know you and Tim collaborate. If this puts you in a weird position, you can\u2014\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t.\u201d He finally turns around. Whatever just happened, he seems to have collected himself. The green of his eyes, though, is brighter than before. Brighter than ever. \u201cCollaborate, that is.\u201d I sit up, legs dangling over the mattress. \u201cYou and Tim don\u2019t collaborate anymore?\u201d","\u201cNope.\u201d \u201cSince when?\u201d \u201cNow.\u201d \u201cWhat? But\u2014\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t feel like going to the conference,\u201d he interrupts. \u201cDo you need to rest?\u201d \u201cRest?\u201d \u201cBecause of the\u201d\u2014he gestures vaguely at me and the bed\u2014 \u201cfainting.\u201d \u201cOh, I\u2019m fine. If I needed rest every time I fainted, I\u2019d need\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. a lot of rest.\u201d \u201cIn that case, there\u2019s something I\u2019d like to do.\u201d \u201cWhat is it?\u201d He doesn\u2019t answer. \u201cWant to join me?\u201d I have no idea what he\u2019s referring to, but it\u2019s not as though I have a busy schedule. \u201cSure?\u201d He smiles, a little smug, and a terrible thought occurs to me: I\u2019m going to regret whatever\u2019s about to happen. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201cI HATE THIS.\u201d \u201cI know.\u201d \u201cWhat gave it away?\u201d I push a sweaty purple strand from my forehead. My hands are shaking. My legs are twigs, but made of slime. There\u2019s a distinctive taste of iron in my throat. A sign that I\u2019m dying? Possibly. I want to stop but I can\u2019t, because the treadmill is still going. If I collapse, the walking belt is going to swallow me in a vortex of clammy darkness. \u201cIs it the wheezing? The near-puking?\u201d \u201cMostly the way you\u2019ve said it eight times since starting to run\u2014which, by the way, was exactly sixty seconds ago.\u201d He leans forward from his own treadmill and hits the speed button, slowing it. \u201cYou did great. Now walk a bit.\u201d He straightens and keeps on running at a pace I wouldn\u2019t achieve even hunted by a swarm of maggots. \u201cIn three minutes, you\u2019re going to run sixty","more seconds.\u201d He\u2019s not even short of breath. Does he have bionic lungs? \u201cThen you\u2019ll walk three more minutes, and then you\u2019ll cool down.\u201d \u201cWait.\u201d I tuck my hair behind my ear. I need to invest in a headband. \u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d \u201cI only run for two minutes? That\u2019s my training?\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d \u201cHow do you know? Have you ever done a Couch-to-5K? Have you ever even been on a couch?\u201d I give him a skeptical once-over. He looks upsettingly good in his mid-thigh shorts and Pitt T-shirt. A patch of sweat is spreading on his back, making the cotton stick to his skin. I can\u2019t believe there are people who manage to look hot while running. Screw them. \u201cI did some research.\u201d I laugh. \u201cYou did research?\u201d \u201cOf course.\u201d He gives me an affronted look. \u201cI said I\u2019d train you for the 5K, and I will.\u201d \u201cOr you could just release me from our bet.\u201d \u201cNice try.\u201d I shake my head, laughing some more. \u201cI can\u2019t believe you did research. It\u2019s either incredibly nice, or the most sadistic thing I\u2019ve ever heard.\u201d I contemplate it. \u201cI\u2019m leaning toward the latter.\u201d \u201cHush, or I\u2019ll sign you up for the Meat Lovers 5K.\u201d I shut up and keep on walking. Three hours later, we end up in a bar in the French Quarter. Together. As in, me and Levi Ward. Getting drinks. Sipping Sazerac at the same table. Giggling because the waitress served mine with a heart-shaped straw. I\u2019m not sure how it happened. I think some googling was involved, and intense skimming of a website called Drinking NOLA, and then a five- minute walk in which I determined that one of Levi\u2019s steps equals exactly two of mine. But I\u2019m blanking on how we came to the decision that venturing out together would be a good idea. Oh well. Might as well focus on the Sazerac.","\u201cSo,\u201d I ask after a long sip, whiskey burning sweetly down my throat, \u201cwho\u2019s engaging with Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s anus this weekend?\u201d Levi smiles, swirling the amber liquid in his tumbler. After his shower he didn\u2019t dry his hair, and some damp wisps are still sticking to his ears. \u201cGuy.\u201d \u201cPoor Guy.\u201d I lean forward. The corners of the world are starting to get fuzzy in a soft, pleasant way. Mmm, alcohol. \u201cIs it difficult? Who taught you? Does it require tools? Does Schr\u00f6dinger like it? What does it smell like?\u201d \u201cNo, the vet, just gloves and some treats, if he does he hides it well, and awful.\u201d I take another sip, fully entertained. \u201cHow did you end up with a cat who needs\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. expression, anyway?\u201d \u201cHe didn\u2019t when I first got him, seventeen years ago. He spent fifteen years long-conning me into loving him, and now here I am.\u201d He shrugs. \u201cExpressing once a week.\u201d I burst into more laughter than is probably warranted. Mmm, alcohol. \u201cYou got him as a kitten? From the shelter?\u201d \u201cFrom under the garden shed. He was chomping on a sad-looking pigeon wing. I figured he needed me.\u201d \u201cHow old were you?\u201d \u201cFifteen.\u201d \u201cYou guys have been together most of your lives.\u201d He nods. \u201cMy parents aren\u2019t exactly pet people, so it was either bringing him wherever I went or leaving him to fend for himself. He came to college with me. And grad school. He\u2019d jump on my desk and stare at me all accusing and squinty-eyed when I slacked off. That little asshole.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s the real secret of your academic success!\u201d \u201cI wouldn\u2019t go that far\u2014\u201d \u201cThe source of your intelligence!\u201d \u201cSeems excessive\u2014\u201d \u201cThe only reason you have a job!\u201d He lifts one eyebrow and I laugh some more. I\u2019m hilarious. Mmm, alcohol. \u201cIt\u2019s so nice of Guy to do this for","you.\u201d \u201cTo be clear, Guy\u2019s just feeding Schr\u00f6dinger. I did the expressing before leaving. But yeah, he\u2019s great.\u201d \u201cI have an inappropriate question for you. Did you steal Guy\u2019s job?\u201d He nods pensively. \u201cYes and no. He\u2019d probably be BLINK\u2019s lead if I hadn\u2019t transferred. But I have more team-leading and neuro experience.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s awfully graceful about it.\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d \u201cIf it were me, I\u2019d stab you with my nail filer.\u201d He smiles. \u201cI don\u2019t doubt it.\u201d \u201cI guess deep down Guy knows he\u2019s cooler.\u201d I take in Levi\u2019s confused expression. \u201cI mean, he\u2019s an astronaut.\u201d \u201c.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0And?\u201d \u201cWell, here\u2019s the deal: if NASA were a high school, and its different divisions were cliques, the astronauts would be the football players.\u201d \u201cIs football still a thing in high school? Despite the brain damage?\u201d \u201cYes! Crazy, right? Anyway, the engineers would be more like the nerds.\u201d \u201cSo I\u2019m a nerd?\u201d I sit back and study him carefully. He\u2019s built like a linebacker. \u201cI actually played tight end,\u201d he points out. Shit. Did I say it out loud? \u201cYes. You\u2019re a nerd.\u201d \u201cFair. What about the neuroscientists?\u201d \u201cHmm. Neuroscientists are the artsy kids. Or maybe the exchange students. Intrinsically cool, but forever misunderstood. My point is: Guy\u2019s been to space, therefore he\u2019s part of a better clique.\u201d \u201cI see your reasoning, but counterpoint: Guy has never been to space, never will.\u201d I frown. \u201cHe said he worked with you on his first space mission.\u201d \u201cAs ground crew. He was supposed to go to the ISS, but he failed the psychological screening last minute\u2014not that it means anything. Those tests are ridiculously selective. Anyway, most of the astronauts I\u2019ve met are very down to earth\u2014\u201d","\u201cDown to Earth!\u201d I laugh so hard, people turn to stare. Levi shakes his head fondly. \u201cAnd to become an astronaut, you\u2019re required to have a STEM degree. Which means that they\u2019re nerds, too\u2014nerds who decided to take on additional training.\u201d \u201cWait a minute.\u201d I lean forward again. \u201cYou want to eventually be an astronaut, too?\u201d He presses his lips together, pensive. \u201cI could tell you a story.\u201d \u201cOooh. A story!\u201d \u201cBut you\u2019d have to keep it secret.\u201d \u201cBecause it\u2019s embarrassing?\u201d \u201cA little.\u201d I pout. \u201cThen I can\u2019t do that. You\u2019re my archenemy\u2014I have to slander you. It\u2019s in the contract.\u201d \u201cNo story, then.\u201d \u201cOh, come on!\u201d I roll my eyes. \u201cFine, I won\u2019t tell anyone. But FYI, it will probably kill me.\u201d He nods. \u201cI\u2019m willing to risk it. You know how my family isn\u2019t happy with me?\u201d \u201cStill looking forward to kicking their collective ass at Thanksgiving.\u201d \u201cAppreciated. Once I started working for NASA, my mother took me aside and told me that I might be able to redeem myself in my father\u2019s eyes if I applied for the Astronaut Corps.\u201d My eyes widen. \u201cDid you do it?\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d \u201cAnd?\u201d I\u2019m leaning closer and closer. This is engrossing. \u201cDid you get in?\u201d \u201cNope. Didn\u2019t even make it through the elimination round.\u201d \u201cNo! Why?\u201d \u201cToo tall. They recently tightened the height restriction\u2014can\u2019t be taller than six two, or shorter than five one.\u201d I briefly contemplate the notion that neither Levi nor I fall within astronaut height requirements, but for dramatically different reasons. Wild.","\u201cWere you heartbroken?\u201d \u201cMy family was, yeah.\u201d He looks me straight in the eye. \u201cI was so relieved, my friend and I got passed-out drunk that night.\u201d \u201cWhat?\u201d He tips back his head and downs the rest of his drink. I\u2019m not staring at his Adam\u2019s apple, I\u2019m not. \u201cOuter space is fucking terrifying. I\u2019m thankful for the ozone layer and the gravitational pull of the moon and whatnot, but they\u2019d have to tie me like a spit-roasted pig to send me out there. The universe keeps expanding and getting colder, chunks of our galaxy are sucked away, black holes hurl through space at millions of miles per hour, and solar superstorms flare up at the drop of a hat. Meanwhile NASA astronauts are out there in their frankly inadequate suits, drinking liters of their own recycled urine, getting alligator skin on the top of their feet, and shitting rubber balls that float around at eye level. Their cerebrospinal fluid expands and presses on their eyeballs to the point that their eyesight deteriorates, their gut bacteria are a shitshow\u2014no pun intended\u2014and gamma rays that could literally pulverize them in less than a second wander around. But you know what\u2019s even worse? The smell. Space smells like a toilet full of rotten eggs, and there\u2019s no escape. You\u2019re just stuck there until Houston allows you to come back home. So believe me when I say: I\u2019m grateful every damn day for those two extra inches.\u201d I stare at him. And stare at him. And stare a little more, open-mouthed. I stare at this man who is six four and two hundred pounds of muscle and just vented to me for five minutes about the fact that space is a scary place. God. Oh, God. I think I like him. \u201cThere\u2019s one single format in which space is tolerable,\u201d he says. \u201cWhich is?\u201d \u201cStar Wars movies.\u201d Oh, God. I jump out of my seat, grab his hand, and pull him out of the bar. He follows without resisting. \u201cBee? Where are we\u2014?\u201d I don\u2019t bother looking back. \u201cTo my hotel room. To watch The Empire Strikes Back.\u201d","\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201cYODA\u2019S A BIT of a dick.\u201d I lean over to steal a handful of popcorn from Levi\u2019s lap. My own bag, sadly, is long gone. Should have paced myself. \u201cAll Jedi are dicks.\u201d Levi shrugs. \u201cIt\u2019s the forced celibacy.\u201d I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m on a bed. With Levi Ward. Watching a movie. With Levi Ward. And it doesn\u2019t even feel weird. I steal more popcorn, and inadvertently grab his thumb. \u201cSorry!\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s not vegan,\u201d he says, a hint of something in his voice, and I am mesmerized by the shadows the TV light casts on his face. His elegant nose, the unexpected fullness of his lips, his black hair, blue-tinted in the dark. \u201cWhat?\u201d he asks, without taking his eyes off the screen. \u201cWhat, what?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re staring.\u201d \u201cOh.\u201d I should avert my gaze, but I\u2019m a bit drunk. And I like looking at him. \u201cNothing. Just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He finally turns. \u201cJust?\u201d \u201cJust\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . look at us.\u201d I smile. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t even feel like we hate each other.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s because we don\u2019t.\u201d \u201cAw.\u201d I tilt my head. \u201cYou stopped hating me?\u201d \u201cNew rule.\u201d He turns more fully toward me, and his ridiculously long legs brush against mine. In the swampy forests of Dagobah, Yoda\u2019s torturing poor Luke under the guise of training him. \u201cEvery time you say that I hate you, you have to come over and express Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s glands.\u201d \u201cYou say it like it wouldn\u2019t be enjoyable.\u201d \u201cSince you clearly have a fetish: every time you mention this nonexistent enmity I supposedly feel, I\u2019ll add a mile to the race you owe me.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s crazy.\u201d \u201cYou know what to do to make it stop.\u201d He pops a kernel into his mouth. \u201cHmm. Can I say that I hate you?\u201d He looks away. \u201cI don\u2019t know. Do you hate me?\u201d","Do I hate him? No. Yes. No. I haven\u2019t forgotten how much of a dipshit he was in grad school, or that he reprimanded me about my clothes on my first day of work, or any of the dickish things he\u2019s done to me. But after a big day like today, when he saved me from total, catastrophic implosion, it all seems so distant. No, then. I don\u2019t hate him. In fact, I kind of like him. But I don\u2019t want to admit it, so while Han and Leia bicker about how much they love each other on the screen, I punt. \u201cWhat are you wearing tomorrow?\u201d He gives me a puzzled look. \u201cI don\u2019t know. Is it relevant?\u201d \u201cOf course! We\u2019re spying.\u201d He nods in a way that clearly showcases how full of shit he thinks I am. \u201cSomething inconspicuous, then. A trench coat. Sunglasses. You brought your fake mustache, right?\u201d I smack his arm. \u201cNot all of us have a long history of espionage\u2014by the way, what\u2019s the story behind the MagTech pics?\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s a secret.\u201d \u201cDid you really risk your career, like Boris said?\u201d \u201cNo comment.\u201d I roll my eyes. \u201cWell, if you did\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. thank you.\u201d I settle back into my pillow, focusing on the movie. \u201cHey, Bee?\u201d I love Wookiees so much. Best aliens ever. \u201cYeah?\u201d \u201cIf tomorrow you see Annie and Tim and feel\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . like you felt today. Just take my hand, okay?\u201d I should ask what that would even accomplish. I should point out that his hand is not a powerful brand of instant-release benzodiazepines. But I think he might be right. I think it might just do the trick. So I nod, and steal the entire bag of popcorn from his lap. He does have a point. Space is kind of scary.","15 FUSIFORM AREA: FAMILIAR FACES \u201cTHEY HIRED A neuroscientist,\u201d Levi says, gaze locked on the podium where engineers with heavy Dutch accents are discussing their stimulation headgear. I\u2019d nod, but I feel queasy. MagTech\u2019s helmets are at the same stage as ours. Maybe a bit further. A tiny bit further, but still. The banana I had for breakfast is lurching in my stomach. \u201cYup.\u201d \u201cThey solved the output location problems in a different way,\u201d he murmurs. He\u2019s talking to himself, one hand clenched on the armrest, white- knuckled. Yep. This sucks. Hey, Dr. Curie. I know you\u2019re busy frolicking naked with Pierre, and I know that it\u2019s unfair of me to ask, but if you or Hertha could do me a solid and zap MagTech\u2019s stimulation headgear with radioactive lightning, that\u2019d be lovely. If they patent the technology before we do, they\u2019ll just sell it to whatever militia pays the most, and as you know, humans don\u2019t need cognitive enhancement when it comes to killing each other. Kthxbye. \u201cThey\u2019re stuck on merging hardware and software,\u201d Levi says. \u201cYep. Just like us.\u201d I squirm in my chair. This trip was pointless. Absolutely pointless. I want to go back to Houston and put in five, ten,","twenty hours of work. Go through every single piece of data we\u2019ve collected and see if I missed anything that will help us move forward. This is a race. It always was, from the very start, but after the uncertainty of my first week on BLINK, I was so grateful for the opportunity to have a shot at it, it almost slipped my mind. Doing our best, making progress\u2014that seemed enough. Spoiler: it wasn\u2019t. For the first time in weeks I think, really think, about my job at NIH. I\u2019ve been sending weekly reports to Trevor and the Institute director. There hasn\u2019t been much of a reaction on their end except for \u201cNice job\u201d and \u201cKeep up the good work.\u201d I wonder whether they read or just skim for buzzwords. Neural networks. Magnetic pulses. Neuroplasticity\u2019s always a hit, too. What would they say if I told them that MagTech might reach the finish line first? Would they blame me? Would my job be safe? And what would happen to the promotion I want? I\u2019ll either be fired or work for Trevor in perpetuity\u2014is this what my career ambitions have come to, an eternal quest for the lesser evil? Become a scientist, they said. It will be fun, they said. \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d Levi springs up from his chair the second the presentation ends. \u201cIf we leave now, we can be home by mid-afternoon.\u201d I\u2019ve never been more eager to get out of an air-conditioned room. \u201cYou want to hole up in the lab and work until you pass out?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d He pops the P. At least we\u2019re on the same page. \u201cYou know what?\u201d I muse, weaving my way through the crowd. \u201cI might have an idea on how to tackle the gradient fields issue\u2014\u201d \u201cAs I live and breathe. Levi and Bee!\u201d We stop dead. But we don\u2019t turn around, because we don\u2019t need to. Voices are like faces, after all: one never forgets them, not if they belong to people who are important. Your parents. Siblings. Best friends, partners, crushes. Ph.D. advisors. \u201cI cannot believe you\u2019re here and I didn\u2019t know it.\u201d","Levi\u2019s eyes lock with mine. Fuck, I read in the way his pupils dilate. I telepathically answer, Indeed. His expression darkens. I love Sam. We both love Sam. I\u2019ve never talked about her with Levi, but I know they had a special relationship, just like she and I did. She was an outstanding advisor: intelligent, supportive, and she cared, really cared, about us. After my falling out with Tim and Annie, I didn\u2019t have the heart to tell her what really happened. So I made up some lies about a friendly breakup and about needing to be in Baltimore with nonexistent relatives. Sam was the one who helped me find my job with Trevor, and she never criticized me for turning down a better position at Vanderbilt. I always love hearing from her, catching up on her work, getting coffee together. Always. Except for right now. I smile as she engulfs me in a bear hug, and\u2014okay, this feels amazing. She\u2019s tall and sturdily built. A truly committed hugger. I find myself laughing, squeezing her back. \u201cIt\u2019s so nice to see you, Sam.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s my line. And you, Levi, look at you. Are you even taller?\u201d Their hug is significantly more subdued. I\u2019m nonetheless shocked that Levi does hugs, and by the affectionate smile on his lips. \u201cNot that I know. It\u2019s nice to see you, Sam.\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I know you two were here?\u201d \u201cBecause we\u2019re not on the program. We just drove up for a specific presentation.\u201d \u201cWe?\u201d Sam\u2019s eyes widen. She looks between us a few times before settling on Levi with a huge pleased grin that I cannot interpret. Then she takes one of his hands. \u201cI didn\u2019t know there was a \u2018we,\u2019 Levi. I\u2019m so happy for you. I\u2019ve been hoping for so long, and finally, such an incredible\u2014\u201d \u201cBee and I are working together on a NASA project. Temporarily.\u201d He says it quickly, like a teenager stopping his mother from revealing that he still sleeps with a stuffed triceratops. Sam gasps, covering her mouth. \u201cOf course. Of course, the NASA project. I can\u2019t believe it slipped my mind. Still, you two should come to my brunch. In\u201d\u2014she glances at her phone\u2014\u201cten minutes. All my grads are coming. Food\u2019s on me, of course.\u201d","Uh-oh. Uh-shitshitshitshit-oh. I glance up at Levi, ready to beg him not to make me watch Tim and Annie eat huevos rancheros for thirty minutes, but he\u2019s already shaking his head. \u201cThank you, but we can\u2019t. We need to get on the road.\u201d \u201cOh, nonsense. It\u2019ll be less than an hour. Just make an appearance, say hi to everyone, have breakfast on me. You\u2019re both so skinny.\u201d I wonder how one could possibly look at Levi\u2019s chest, or biceps, or legs, or\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. anything, really, and think the word \u201cskinny,\u201d but he doesn\u2019t skip a beat. \u201cWe need to get going.\u201d \u201cYou can\u2019t,\u201d she insists. Have I mentioned that Sam\u2019s bossy? I guess it\u2019s a professional hazard when you\u2019ve been running a lab for decades. \u201cYou were my favorite grads. What\u2019s the point of having a lab brunch if you two aren\u2019t there? Might as well cancel!\u201d \u201cYou didn\u2019t even know we were here until three minutes ago,\u201d Levi points out patiently. \u201cBut now I do. And\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d She leans forward and puts a hand on both our shoulders. \u201cI\u2019ll be making an important announcement today. I\u2019m retiring at the end of the semester. And once I\u2019m out, I\u2019m not planning to do the conference circuit anymore. So there might not be a next time.\u201d Levi nods. \u201cI get it, Sam. But we really\u2014\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll come,\u201d I interrupt. \u201cJust tell us where.\u201d I chuckle at the excited way Sam claps her hands. \u201cAre you sure you want to do this?\u201d Levi asks me calmly once Sam is out of earshot. \u201cI\u2019m sure I do not want to do this.\u201d If I had to type a comprehensive list of the things I\u2019d rather do, I\u2019d need several gigabytes of cloud space. \u201cBut if she\u2019s announcing her retirement and it\u2019s important for her, we can\u2019t not go, not after everything she\u2019s done for us.\u201d I massage my temple, thinking longingly of ibuprofen. \u201cPlus, my old therapist would be proud of me.\u201d He studies me for a long beat. Then he nods, once. I can tell he doesn\u2019t like this. \u201cFine. But if you\u2019re not feeling well, you tell me immediately and I\u2019ll take you away.\u201d He speaks in an authoritative way that should make me","want to tell him to shove it, but\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. it doesn\u2019t. The opposite, actually. What a mystery. \u201cAnd remember my hand.\u201d \u201cOkay, Daddy.\u201d I realize the blunder only once the words are out of my mouth. Since I can\u2019t take it back, I turn around and walk out of the conference center, blushing. Oops. What a cluster of a day. And it\u2019s only seven minutes past ten. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 VISUALIZE THIS: YOU step into a restaurant, and the hostess guides you to your party\u2019s table. It\u2019s round and full, but when you and your companion arrive two chairs will be pulled up, guaranteeing lots of cozy elbowing. Yay. You\u2019re welcomed by many pairs of wide eyes, and gasps, and a few \u201cMy gosh, how long has it been?\u201d Some are for you, some for your companion. Some for both. You realize that aside from the person who invited you, no one was expecting you. Double yay. You want to focus on catching up, ask old friends about their lives, but there\u2019s something that nags at you. A tiny worm slithering in the back of your skull. It has to do, you initially think, with the two people who\u2019ve yet to stand to greet you, and with the fact that you used to be engaged to one of them, and to love the other like a sister. Fair. That would nag at anyone, right? But then there\u2019s an extra something cranking up the tension: almost everyone at the table knows exactly what happened between you, your former fianc\u00e9, and your not-so-sister. They know how poorly you left off, how you ended up having to find another job, how miserable it made you, and even though they\u2019re not mean people, there\u2019s a sense swarming around, a sense that a show is about to happen. A show that involves you. You following this? Good. Because there\u2019s one more layer to this onion. It elevates this brunch above your run-of-the-mill trash-fire, and it has to do with your companion. He wasn\u2019t exactly a fan of yours the last time you two hung out with these people, and seeing you arrive with him is making","their heads explode. They cannot compute. The show was always gonna be good, but now? Now it\u2019s fucking Hamilton, baby. Are you visualizing this? Are you feeling the deep unpleasantness of the situation smack inside your bones? Are you considering crawling under the table and rocking yourself to sleep? Okay. Good. Because it\u2019s exactly where I\u2019m at when Timothy William Carson comes to stand in front of me and says, \u201cHi, Bee.\u201d I want to kick him in the nuts. But I\u2019m sad to report that there are lots of pairs of eyes on me, and while I haven\u2019t passed the Louisiana bar, I fear nut-kicking might be considered assault in this great state. So I smile my best fake smile, ignore the crawling feeling in the pit of my stomach, and reply, \u201cHey, Tim. You look great.\u201d He doesn\u2019t. He looks okay. He looks fine. He looks like a Cute Guy\u2122 who needs a Dorian Gray portrait, because his rotten personality is starting to show. He looks acceptable, but nothing compared to the guy standing next to me. Who, by the way, is saying, \u201cTim.\u201d \u201cLevi! What\u2019s up?\u201d \u201cNot much.\u201d \u201cWe gotta start working on those collabs again.\u201d Tim puckers his lips like the asshole he is. \u201cI\u2019ve been swamped.\u201d Levi\u2019s smile stays on, and when Tim leans in for a bro hug, he accepts it. Which has me scowling. What the hell? I thought Levi was on my side. Which sounds stupid when said out loud, and unfair of me to expect, because Levi and I are barely friends and my battles are not his and he has every right to man-hug whoever.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. My train of thought fades as I notice Levi is not just hugging Tim. He\u2019s also gripping his shoulders tightly, fingers digging painfully into Tim\u2019s flesh as he murmurs something in his ear. I can\u2019t make out the words, but by the time Levi straightens back up, Tim\u2019s mouth is pulled in a thin, straight line, his face is milk white in a way I don\u2019t remember ever seeing before, and his expression looks almost\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. scared. Is Tim scared? \u201cI\u2014 You\u2014 I didn\u2019t mean to,\u201d he stammers, but Levi interrupts him.","\u201cNice to see you again,\u201d he says in a commanding, dismissive tone. Tim must take it as what it is: an order to scurry away. \u201cWhat just happened?\u201d I whisper while Levi pulls out my chair. Apparently, we\u2019re in 1963. \u201cLook.\u201d He points at Sam\u2019s food. \u201cThey have quinoa bowls.\u201d \u201cWhy does Tim look terrified?\u201d He gives me an innocent look. \u201cHe does?\u201d \u201cLevi. What did you say to him?\u201d Levi ignores me. \u201cSam, does that bowl have eggs in it?\u201d The first twenty minutes aren\u2019t that bad. The problem with round tables is that you can\u2019t fully ignore anyone\u2019s existence, but Tim and Annie are distant enough that I can chat with others without it being too awkward. Aspects of this are genuinely nice\u2014having Sam around, hearing that old acquaintances got married, had kids, found academic jobs, bought houses. Once in a while Levi\u2019s elbow brushes against mine, reminding me that I\u2019m not wholly alone. There\u2019s someone in my corner. A guy who loves Star Wars, and is too tall for space, and will take care of a kitten for half his life. Then there\u2019s a lull in conversation, and someone asks from across the table, \u201cHow did you two end up working together, anyway?\u201d Everyone tunes in after that. All eyes are on Levi and me. Sadly, Levi is chewing on a potato wedge. So I say, \u201cIt\u2019s an NIH-NASA collab, Mike.\u201d \u201cOh yeah, right.\u201d Mike looks a bit buzzed, but he takes another sip of his punch. He was a third year when I joined the lab. Also: he was a shithead. \u201cBut, like, how are you two managing it? Levi, do you bleach your brain after every meeting, or\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d My cheeks burn. Some people chuckle, a couple laugh outright, and others look away, clearly embarrassed. Sam frowns, and from the corner of my eye I see Tim smirk. I wish I had a witty comeback, but I\u2019m too mortified by the fact that Levi finding me disgusting is still the lab\u2019s funniest inside joke. I open my mouth without knowing what to say, and\u2014 \u201cWe\u2019re doing great,\u201d Levi tells Mike, his tone a mix of big-dick calm and I could kill a man with a beach ball. He leisurely puts his arm on the back of my chair, and plucks a grape from my plate. A deafening silence","falls at the table. Everyone is looking at us. Everyone. \u201cWhat about you, Mike?\u201d Levi asks without bothering to look up from my food. \u201cI heard there were problems with your tenure packet. How\u2019s that coming along?\u201d \u201cOh, um\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cYeah. I thought so.\u201d Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I guess Levi\u2019s done eating his potatoes? \u201cOut of curiosity,\u201d he whispers in my ear once the conversation has moved along and Mike is looking down at his own plate, chastised. \u201cDid everyone think that I hated you, back in grad school? It wasn\u2019t just your delusion?\u201d \u201cIt was a widely known truth.\u201d His arm tenses around my shoulders, as tight as his jaw. A few minutes later I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I have eye makeup on, but I say \u201cScrew it\u201d and wash my face with cold water anyway. Who\u2019s going to be looking at my runny eyeliner anyway? Levi? Weepy Mess Bee is nothing he hasn\u2019t already seen. Then I notice her. Annie, in the mirror. She\u2019s standing right behind me, waiting for me to finish using the sink. Except there are three more sinks, and zero other people in the bathroom. So maybe it\u2019s just me she\u2019s waiting for. My head hurts. And so does my heart, around the edges Annie cracked in it two years ago. I can\u2019t talk to her. Can\u2019t. Can\u2019t. I take my time drying my face with my sleeves. Then I buck up, turn around, and face her. She\u2019s stunningly beautiful. Always has been. There\u2019s something indescribable about her, something magic that made me happy to be in her presence. Oddly enough, the feeling is still there, a mix of familiarity and love and awe that knifes deep as I stare at her face. Seeing Tim again was painful, but it\u2019s nothing, nothing compared to having Annie right here. For a moment I\u2019m terrified. She can hurt me very, very deeply with just a few choice words. But then she says, \u201cBee,\u201d and I realize that she\u2019s crying. Judging by the burning in my eyes, so am I. \u201cHey, Annie.\u201d I attempt a smile. \u201cLong time no see.\u201d","\u201cYeah, I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. yeah.\u201d She nods. Her lips are trembling. \u201cI love your hair. Purple might be my favorite.\u201d \u201cThank you.\u201d A beat. \u201cI tried orange last year. I looked like a traffic cone.\u201d Silence stretches, wistful. It reminds me of when we\u2019d fill every second together with chatter. \u201cWell, I need to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I move for the door, but she stops me with a hand on my forearm. \u201cNo\u2014please. Please, Bee, can we just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d She smiles. \u201cI missed you.\u201d I missed her, too. I miss her all the time, but I won\u2019t tell her. Because I hate her. Me and my multitudes. \u201cI\u2019ve been listening to that album you gave me a lot. Even though I\u2019m still not sure I like it. And last year I went to Disneyland and there was this new Star Wars park and I thought of you. And I haven\u2019t been able to make friends in Schreiber\u2019s lab because they\u2019re all dudes. Total WurstFest\u2122. Except for two girls, but they\u2019re best friends already, and I don\u2019t think they like me much, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d She\u2019s crying harder now, but also laughing in that self-deprecating way that is so Annie. \u201cSo, you and Levi, huh? He\u2019s even hotter than back at Pitt.\u201d I shake my head. \u201cIt\u2019s not like that.\u201d \u201cYou probably made all his dreams come true. He looks happier than I\u2019ve ever seen him. Not that I\u2019d seen him happy, like ever, before today.\u201d A cold shiver runs down my spine. I have no idea what she\u2019s talking about. \u201cActually, Levi hated me,\u201d I say stubbornly. \u201cI doubt it. Not by any definition of that term. He just really\u2014\u201d She shakes her head firmly. \u201cThis isn\u2019t what I came to talk about, I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m going on about stuff that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d She takes a deep breath. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d I could pretend not to know what she\u2019s apologizing for. I could pretend that I didn\u2019t think about her every day for the last two years. I could pretend that I don\u2019t miss the way we\u2019d make each other laugh until our abs ached, but it would be exhausting, and even though it\u2019s eleven fifteen in the morning, I am already so very tired. \u201cWhy?\u201d I ask. A question I rarely allow myself when it comes to Annie. \u201cWhy did you do it?\u201d","\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Her eyes close. \u201cI don\u2019t know, Bee. I\u2019ve been trying to figure it out for years. I just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. don\u2019t know.\u201d I nod, because I believe her. I never doubted Annie\u2019s love for me. \u201cMaybe I was jealous?\u201d \u201cJealous?\u201d She shrugs. \u201cYou were beautiful. The best in the lab. With the glamorous globe-trotting past. You were always good at everything, always so\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. so happy and cool and fun. You made it seem effortless.\u201d I was never any of those things. Not by a long shot. But I think of Levi \u2014impenetrable, cold, arrogant Levi, who turned out not to be impenetrable, cold, arrogant at all. Being so dramatically misunderstood doesn\u2019t seem that unlikely. \u201cAnd you and Tim\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. You and I were always together, but in the end, you\u2019d go home to Tim and I\u2019d be alone, and there was this\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. thing that I was never part of.\u201d \u201cWere you trying to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. to punish me?\u201d \u201cNo! No, I was just trying to feel\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. more like you.\u201d She rolls her eyes. \u201cAnd because I\u2019m a dumbass, I picked the worst part of you to do that. Fucking Tim.\u201d She lets out a bubbly, moist laugh. \u201cWe never\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. It lasted a week between us. And I\u2014I never liked him, you know it. I despised him. You were so much better than him, and everyone knew it. I knew it. He knew it, too. The moment I did it, while I was doing it\u2014I thought of you the whole time. And not just because he was a lousy lay. I kept wondering if doing such an unspeakably bad thing would\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . elevate me, somehow. Make me more like you. God, I was messed up. I still am.\u201d She wipes her tears with two fingers. There\u2019s already more, flowing down. \u201cI wanted to apologize. But you blocked my number, and I told myself I\u2019d give you space and see you at Vanderbilt. Then the summer passed, and you weren\u2019t there\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d She shakes her head. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry. I\u2019m so sorry, and I think about it every day, and\u2014\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry, too.\u201d She gives me an incredulous look. \u201cYou have nothing to be sorry about.\u201d","\u201cI may not have fucked your fianc\u00e9, but I\u2019m sorry I wasn\u2019t there for you when you felt like you weren\u2019t good enough. You were my best friend, but I always thought you were\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. invincible.\u201d We are quiet until she says, \u201cThis is in no way meant as self- congratulatory, but I\u2019m glad you didn\u2019t marry Tim. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re with Levi. He\u2019s the kind of person you deserve.\u201d I don\u2019t see the point in contradicting her. Not when I agree with everything she\u2019s said, including things that aren\u2019t quite true. So I nod and make to leave. \u201cBee?\u201d she calls. I turn. \u201cWould you mind it if I texted you, once in a while?\u201d I should probably be thinking big thoughts about forgiveness, and punishment, and self-preservation. I should throw the question back at her and ask if she\u2019d let me text her if our situations were reversed. I should reflect on this when my brain is not a mushy mess. But I forget all the \u201cshoulds,\u201d and tell her the first thing to cross my heart. \u201cWe could try.\u201d She nods, relieved. Levi is outside the bathroom, a hulking mountain leaning against the wall. I don\u2019t have to ask to know that he saw Annie come after me, and decided to follow in case I needed him. I don\u2019t have to lie or reassure him that I\u2019m fine even as I wipe my cheeks. I don\u2019t have to explain anything. I can just nod when he asks if I\u2019m ready to go, and take his hand when he offers it.","16 SUBTHALAMIC NUCLEUS: INTERRUPTIONS I WAKE UP from a four-hour stress-nap as Levi merges onto the interstate for the last stretch of the trip, and BLINK is instantly on my mind. \u201cAbout the frequency trains, I wonder if we could take advantage of the magnetothermal\u2014\u201d Something splattered on the side of the road catches my eye. \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d \u201cWow.\u201d Levi\u2019s tone is forcefully cheerful. \u201cCheck out that farm on the right!\u201d \u201cBut what\u2019s that on the\u2014 Oh no.\u201d \u201cI didn\u2019t see anything.\u201d \u201cIs it a dead raccoon?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cYes, it was!\u201d I start crying. Again. For the seventh time in forty-eight hours. You\u2019d think my lacrimal ducts would have runneth over, but nope. \u201cPoor baby.\u201d \u201cYou know what? It was a raccoon, but it had clearly died of old age.\u201d \u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cIn that very spot. He died peacefully in his sleep, then someone ran him over. Nothing to be sad about.\u201d I glare at him. At least I\u2019m not crying","anymore. \u201cWhat were you saying about leveraging magnetothermal properties?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re full of shit.\u201d I lift my legs, kick his forearm, and then lay my foot on the glove compartment. His eyes follow my every movement, linger briefly on my bare knees. \u201cBut thank you. For babysitting my feelings this weekend. For not letting me free-fall into a pit of despair. I promise I\u2019m going to revert to adult status. Starting now.\u201d \u201cFinally,\u201d he deadpans. I laugh. \u201cFor real\u2014what did you tell Tim?\u201d \u201cI said hi. Asked how he was.\u201d \u201cCome on. You were speaking into his ear.\u201d \u201cJust whispering sweet nothings.\u201d I snort. \u201cWouldn\u2019t be surprising. You might be the only person in the lab he didn\u2019t cheat on me with.\u201d His long fingers grip the steering wheel and I instantly regret my words. \u201cHey, I was joking. I actually don\u2019t care much anymore. Would I mind seeing Tim bent in two with a severe hemorrhoid attack? Nope. But neither would I go out of my way to stab him. Which I didn\u2019t know before this weekend, and that\u2019s\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . freeing.\u201d Liberating, this almost-indifference. It makes me much happier than the resentment I harbored for years. And the conversation with Annie\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . I haven\u2019t processed it yet, but maybe this weekend was less of a waste than I thought. Except that I\u2019m low-key panicking about my job again. \u201cWhatever you told Tim\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. thank you. It was nice to see him almost shit his pants.\u201d He shakes his head. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t thank me. It was selfish.\u201d \u201cWhat did he do to you? Did he sneak bacon into your sandwich? Because that\u2019s totally his signature move\u2014\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d He presses his lips together, staring at the road. \u201cHe lied to me.\u201d \u201cOh, yeah.\u201d I nod knowingly. \u201cHis other signature move.\u201d The local NPR fills the silence. Something about Rachmaninoff. Until Levi says, \u201cBee, I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I\u2019m not sure I should be telling you this. But hiding things from you hasn\u2019t worked out in our favor. And you asked me to be honest.\u201d \u201cI did.\u201d I study him, unsure where he\u2019s heading.","\u201cWhen you and I first met,\u201d he says slowly, carefully weighing his words, \u201cI had issues talking to people. About certain things.\u201d \u201cLike\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. aphasia?\u201d He smiles, shaking his head. \u201cNot quite.\u201d I try to think back to fifth-year Levi\u2014he seemed larger than life, indomitable, whip-smart. Then again, Annie seemed invincible, and I apparently seemed effortless. Grad school really screwed us up, didn\u2019t it? \u201cI never noticed it. You were capable, self-assured, and got along with most people.\u201d I mull it over. \u201cExcept for me, of course.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not explaining myself well. I had no issues talking to normal people. My issues were\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. with you.\u201d I scowl. \u201cAre you saying that I\u2019m not normal?\u201d He laughs silently. \u201cYou\u2019re not normal. Not to me.\u201d \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d I turn in the seat to face him, not sure why he\u2019s insulting me again, after two days of being incredibly lovely. Is he having a relapse? \u201cJust because you thought I was ugly or unlikable, it doesn\u2019t mean that I wasn\u2019t normal\u2014\u201d \u201cI never thought of you as ugly.\u201d His hands tighten even more around the wheel. \u201cNever.\u201d \u201cCome on. The way you always acted was\u2014\u201d \u201cThe opposite, in fact.\u201d I frown. \u201cWhat do you even\u2014\u201d Oh. Oh. Oh. Does he mean that\u2014? No. Impossible. He wouldn\u2019t. Would he? Even if we\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. He can\u2019t possibly be implying that. Can he? \u201cI\u2014\u201d My mind goes blank for a split second\u2014complete, utter white-out void. I\u2019m suddenly frozen numb, so I lean forward to turn off the AC. I have no clue how to answer him. How to stop my heart from beating out of my throat. \u201cDo you mean that you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d He nods. \u201cYou didn\u2019t\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. you didn\u2019t even let me finish the sentence.\u201d","\u201cWhatever you\u2019re imagining, from the tamest to the most\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . inappropriate thoughts, that\u2019s probably where my mind was at.\u201d He swallows visibly. I watch his throat move. \u201cYou were always in my head. And I could never get you out.\u201d I turn to the window, scarlet. There\u2019s no universe in which I\u2019m parsing his words correctly. This is a misunderstanding. I\u2019m having some neurological event. And all I want to ask is, What about now? Am I still in your head? \u201cYou always stared at me like I was some obscene monstrosity.\u201d \u201cI tried not to stare, but\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. it wasn\u2019t easy.\u201d \u201cNo. No, you\u2014the dress. You hated me in that dress. My blue dress, the one with\u2014\u201d \u201cI know what dress, Bee.\u201d \u201cYou know because you hated it,\u201d I say in a panic. \u201cI didn\u2019t hate it.\u201d His words are quiet. \u201cIt just took me by surprise.\u201d \u201cMy Target dress took you by surprise?\u201d \u201cNo, Bee. My\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. reaction to you wearing it did.\u201d I shake my head. This cannot be true. \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t even sit next to me.\u201d \u201cIt was hard to think when you were close.\u201d His voice is husky. \u201cNo. No! You refused to collaborate with me. You told Tim he should marry someone better, you avoided me like the bubonic plague\u2014\u201d \u201cTim warned me off.\u201d I turn to him. \u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cHe asked me to back off and leave you alone.\u201d \u201cHe\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I cover my mouth and imagine Tim, very average-sized Tim, confronting Levi, a not-so-gentle bison. \u201cHow did he\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d \u201cHe told me you knew that I was\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. interested. That I was making you uncomfortable. That you found me unpleasant.\u201d Levi\u2019s throat works. \u201cHe asked me to avoid you as much as I could. And I did. In a way, it was easier.\u201d \u201cEasier?\u201d He shrugs with a self-deprecating smile. \u201cJust\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . wanting and not having, it can get unbearable. Quickly so.\u201d He wets his lips. \u201cI didn\u2019t know","what to say anyway. You have to understand, people don\u2019t talk about the things they feel where I come from. I got really tongue-tied around you\u2014 leading you and everyone else to believe that I despised you, apparently. I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I had no idea. I owe you an apology for that.\u201d I can\u2019t believe what he\u2019s saying. I can\u2019t believe what I\u2019m hearing. I can\u2019t believe Tim knew and successfully manipulated Levi into staying away while he screwed his way through Pitt\u2019s student body. \u201cWhy are you telling this to me? Why now?\u201d He looks at me, serious and earnest like only Levi Ward could ever be, and something surges into me. Something painful and delightful and confusing. Something breathtaking and spellbinding, rich and frightening. Not a fully formed feeling, but an early draft of it. It\u2019s on the back of my throat and on the tip of my tongue. I want to get a grasp of its taste before it\u2019s gone. I am reaching out, almost there when Levi says, \u201cBee, I\u2014\u201d My phone rings. I groan in frustration and relief and scramble to pick up. \u201cHello?\u201d \u201cBee, this is Boris Covington.\u201d Huh? \u201cAre you and Levi back?\u201d I glance at Google Maps. \u201cWe\u2019re about ten minutes out.\u201d \u201cCould you both come to the Discovery Building as soon as you get in?\u201d \u201cSure.\u201d I frown, switching to speakerphone. \u201cDoes this have to do with BLINK?\u201d \u201cNo. Well, yes. But only indirectly.\u201d Boris sounds tired and almost\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. embarrassed? Levi and I exchange a long glance. \u201cWhat\u2019s this about?\u201d Boris sighs. \u201cIt\u2019s about Ms. Jackson and Ms. Cortoreal. Please, come in as soon as you can.\u201d Levi presses on the gas pedal. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 I LOOK AROUND Boris\u2019s office and blink at least four times before asking, \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018sexual intercourse is forbidden in work areas\u2019?\u201d","Boris\u2019s skin\u2019s even redder than usual, and he retreats farther into his desk. \u201cExactly what I said. It\u2019s\u2014\u201d \u201cBee\u2019s not my mother and I\u2019m not a minor,\u201d Roc\u00edo proclaims from one of the guest chairs. \u201cThis conversation is a HIPAA violation.\u201d Boris pinches the bridge of his nose. He\u2019s clearly been at this for a while. \u201cHIPAA rules apply to medical records, not to you being caught having sex in your office. Which, just like every other space in the building, is video-surveilled twenty-four-seven because of the high-security projects it houses. Now, no need to worry about that, Guy is a security admin and has agreed to delete all footage. But Bee is your direct supervisor, just like Levi is Ms. Jackson\u2019s, and because of the disciplinary actions required when NASA employees engage in activities such as\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. intercourse in work spaces, they need to be informed.\u201d I glance at Levi. His face is a blank void. I\u2019m positive that inside he\u2019s rolling with laughter like a pork in mud. Positive. \u201cSorry.\u201d I scratch the back of my neck. \u201cJust to be clear, you two were having intercourse with\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cWith each other,\u201d Roc\u00edo tells me proudly. I nod. Next to Roc\u00edo, Kaylee appears enraptured by her own pink nail polish. She hasn\u2019t looked up since we came in. \u201cUm\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I have no idea what to say. Zero. Nada. Maybe Dr. Curie left behind helpful tips to handle similar situations? If only her notes weren\u2019t too radioactive to be touched before the year 3500. Maybe I can go to the Biblioth\u00e8que Nationale with a hazmat suit and\u2014 \u201cI won\u2019t write up a complaint,\u201d Boris says, \u201cand I trust Bee and Levi will take care of\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d He gestures vaguely at two of the smartest women I\u2019ve ever met, who must be going through a spell of nymphomania. \u201cBut I beg you on my knees. Don\u2019t do anything similar ever again.\u201d \u201cThank you, Boris,\u201d I say, hoping I sound as grateful as I feel. The walk to the outside of the building is deadly silent\u2014until we form a circle and stare at one another with varying levels of hostility (Roc\u00edo), mortification (Kaylee), and poorly hidden amusement (Levi). I hope I look neutral. I probably don\u2019t."]