Love On The Brain (2)

["\u201cSo\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. that happened,\u201d I start. Roc\u00edo nods. \u201cSure did.\u201d \u201cHow did Boris even\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. find you?\u201d \u201cGuy came into our office looking for something, found us on your desk, ratted us out.\u201d \u201cOn my\u2014why did you have to do it on my\u2014\u201d I stop. Take a deep breath. \u201cTo be clear.\u201d I look between them. \u201cThis was\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. consensual?\u201d \u201cVery,\u201d they answer in unison, locking eyes and smiling like idiots. I clear my throat. \u201cIs there anything you\u2019d like to add?\u201d I ask Levi, meaning please help, but he shakes his head, biting his lip to avoid smiling. He fails. \u201cOkay. Well. It\u2019s none of our business what you guys do.\u201d \u201cFor the first time in my life I agree with you,\u201d Roc\u00edo says. \u201cReally? For the first time?\u201d She nods. Ungrateful little gremlin. \u201cIf you\u2019re happy about this, so are we. But please, don\u2019t, um, have intercourse in front of cameras. Unless you\u2019re making a sex tape,\u201d I rush to add, \u201cin which case just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. don\u2019t do it in public places?\u201d Kaylee nods silently, looking a smidge less mortified. Roc\u00edo rolls her eyes. \u201cWhatever.\u201d She takes Kaylee\u2019s hand and drags her away. \u201cYou\u2019re not my real mother, Bee!\u201d she yells without turning around. Levi and I watch them walk away in the late afternoon sunlight. When they\u2019re just little dots on the street, he tells me, \u201cThat was excellent practice for when we\u2019ll have teenage daughters.\u201d My heart skips. He doesn\u2019t mean together, idiot. \u201cThey\u2019re young. Their frontal lobes are not fully developed yet.\u201d He takes the car keys out of his pocket and dangles them in front of my face. \u201cWant to process the trauma of our twenty-three-year-olds role- playing on top of your Marie Curie mouse pad while I take you home?\u201d \u201cThey better be going to Kaylee\u2019s place.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cThe walls between my apartment and Roc\u00edo\u2019s are very thin.\u201d \u201cYou should invest in noise-canceling headphones.\u201d He tugs me toward the car. \u201cOrder online while I drive.\u201d","\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201cIT JUST SEEMS far-fetched,\u201d I say in the passenger seat. \u201cFirst of all, Roc\u00edo\u2019s in a relationship. Oh\u2014I wonder if they\u2019re poly?\u201d \u201cShould we be discussing our RAs\u2019 love lives?\u201d \u201cI\u2019d normally say no, but them bumping uglies on my desk automatically grants us a waiver.\u201d He contemplates it. \u201cFair.\u201d \u201cAnd\u2014those two are so different from each other.\u201d \u201cYou think that\u2019s a problem?\u201d It might not be. They might produce well-rounded children who know how to apply raccoon-style eyeliner and glitter. \u201cOkay, it\u2019s not. But Roc\u00edo disliked Kaylee. She kept clamming up whenever Kaylee was around. She made an entire list of things she hated about her.\u201d Levi half smiles. \u201cYou sure about that?\u201d \u201cYeah. She told me that\u2014\u201d I recall what Levi told me less than one hour ago and shut my mouth. I forgot when Boris\u2019s call sent me into emergency mode, but now it\u2019s all back, swirling around the forefront of my brain, and with that my heart is heavy in my throat, a liquid warmth in the pit of my stomach, the sense of being on a precipice. I could be falling. I will be falling, fast and hard, if only I take one step forward and let myself\u2014 A thought hits me. Smack in the head. Like a freight train. I gasp. \u201cI\u2019ve got it.\u201d Levi pulls into my driveway. \u201cWhat did you say?\u201d \u201cI got it!\u201d \u201cGot\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. what?\u201d \u201cThe helmet. BLINK. I know how to fix the compatibility issue\u2014do you have paper? Why don\u2019t you have paper in your stupid car?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s a rental\u2014\u201d \u201cMy apartment! I have paper up there!\u201d The car hasn\u2019t fully stopped, but I jump out and run upstairs anyway. I unlock the door, hunt down a pen and notebook, and start scribbling as fast as my fingers will go, pitifully out of","breath. A minute later I hear steps behind me and Levi closing the door I left open. Oops. \u201cI\u2019m assuming you wanted me to follow you in, but if not\u2014\u201d \u201cLook.\u201d I push the notebook under his nose. \u201cWe\u2019re going to do this. Look at this.\u201d He blinks a few times. \u201cBee, I don\u2019t think this is\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. English.\u201d I turn the notebook around. Shit, I wrote in German. \u201cOkay\u2014don\u2019t look at this. Just listen to me. And don\u2019t be scared. We\u2019ve been having issues with the switchboard, right? We\u2019ve been trying to fix it, but\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. what if we just bypass it?\u201d \u201cBut the different frequencies\u2014\u201d \u201cRight. That\u2019s where I\u2019m going to scare you.\u201d \u201cScare me?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d I make room on the table, and start sketching a diagram. \u201cBut don\u2019t be scared.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not scared.\u201d \u201cGood. Stay unscared.\u201d \u201cI\u2014 Why would I be scared?\u201d \u201cBecause of what I\u2019m about to show you. Which you might find scary.\u201d I tap the back of the pen on the top of my diagram. \u201cOkay. We remove the switchboard.\u201d I draw a cross on it. \u201cWe build separate circuits. And then we leverage the magnetothermal properties of each one\u2014\u201d \u201c\u2014for speed.\u201d Levi\u2019s eyes are wide. \u201cAnd if we have separate circuits \u2014\u201d \u201c\u2014we can rely on the wireless remote.\u201d I grin at him. \u201cWill it work?\u201d He bites into his lower lip, staring at the diagram. \u201cThe wiring will be tricky. And isolating each circuit. But if we work around that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He turns to me with a wide, breathless grin. \u201cThis could work. It could really work.\u201d \u201cAnd it will be so much better than what MagTech is doing.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019d have a final prototype in\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. weeks. Days.\u201d He rubs his mouth. \u201cThis is a fantastic idea.\u201d I jump up and down excitedly. It\u2019s obnoxious, but I can\u2019t stop myself. Where does all this energy go when I try to run? \u201cAm I a genius, or what?\u201d","He shakes his head even as he says, \u201cYou are.\u201d \u201cShould we go to the lab? Start working on it?\u201d \u201cBefore the cleaning crew has a chance to disinfect your desk?\u201d \u201cGood point. But I need to do something.\u201d He smiles fondly. \u201cMaybe you can keep jumping up and down?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m starting to get tired, actually.\u201d \u201cOkay, then\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He shrugs, and before I know what\u2019s going on I\u2019m in his arms and he\u2019s spinning me around, my legs wrapped around his waist and his hands on my thighs. I laugh. I laugh like I\u2019m happy. What a weekend. I\u2019m a feather. I\u2019m invincible. I\u2019m doing science. I\u2019m having fun. I\u2019m building things, useful, important things. I\u2019m facing demons from my past. I\u2019m being whirled around when I\u2019m too tired to do it myself. I\u2019m bubbling, exhilarated, brave. I\u2019m the most myself and not myself at all. I\u2019m tightening my hands around Levi\u2019s neck, and when he slows down I\u2019m asking him, \u201cAre you going to kiss me?\u201d No idea where that came from. But I\u2019m not sorry it\u2019s out there. His smile doesn\u2019t falter, but he shakes his head. \u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d he says quietly. Strands of purple hair brush against his forehead. His cheeks. We are close, so close. He smells so good. \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cBecause I\u2019m not sure you want me to kiss you.\u201d \u201cOh.\u201d I nod. My hair tickles his nose. He scrunches it, and I laugh. \u201cWhat if I told you that I do? Would you kiss me then?\u201d \u201cI still don\u2019t think so,\u201d he says calmly. Seriously. My smile fades. Oh, shit. Shit, I made a mess. \u201cYou don\u2019t want to?\u201d My voice is small, insecure. He shakes his head. \u201cThat\u2019s not it.\u201d It must be. What else? \u201cRight.\u201d I\u2019ve been in his arms for a while, but suddenly I feel self-conscious. He\u2019s not okay with this. He used to be attracted to me, but not anymore. I\u2019m overstepping. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to go too far.\u201d","\u201cYou don\u2019t understand, Bee.\u201d A small smile. Our foreheads touch, his skin warm against mine. I really, really want a kiss from this man. I want it bad enough to burn. \u201cYou can\u2019t go too far.\u201d \u201cThen why\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d His eyes flutter closed. His lips move closer. \u201cI\u2019m terrified that you won\u2019t go far enough.\u201d When Tim kissed her for the first time\u2014after a screening of 2001: A Space Odyssey, which I later found out he slept through\u2014eighteen-year-old Bee called her sister to say she\u2019d had the loveliest of kisses. But eighteen- year-old Bee was a fool. Eighteen-year-old Bee had no idea. Eighteen-year- old Bee overrated that Tim wasn\u2019t overly clumsy and brushed his teeth. And twenty-eight-year-old Bee would consider going back in time to slap her upside the head, but she\u2019s busy having a real, true, actual, honest-to-God good kiss. The best kiss. It has to do with how slow it starts. With the way Levi and I breathe against each other for a moment, just breathe and taste the air between us. It should feel ridiculous, but there\u2019s something unique about how he looks at my mouth from lowered eyelashes. Wrapped around him like I am, I can feel his pounding heartbeat, the heat of his skin, and suddenly I\u2019m not scared anymore. He wants this\u2014he wants me. I know it in the liquid, messy warmth of my abdomen, in the red spreading over his cheekbones, in his breathing, even faster and louder than mine. \u201cBee.\u201d The tension stretches so unbearably tight, we might as well be on different sides of the world. So I close the distance, and then it\u2019s not slow anymore. It\u2019s hard and fast and open-mouthed. Wet and pressing and half bites. It\u2019s messy, the least smooth kiss of my life\u2014but maybe it\u2019s not a kiss at all. Just two people trying to be as close as possible. His hands are sliding up my ass. My nails are in his scalp. He grunts choppy, surprised praise into my throat\u2014\u201cYeah. Yeah.\u201d\u2014licks the dip of my collarbone, and I\u2019m on fire, half a minute of this and I\u2019m already aflame, pulsating with want and need.","I have no brakes: I grind myself helplessly against him, my nipples hard against his chest, his hard abs the perfect slate for my core to rub on. \u201cYou are so\u2014\u201d He groans deep, like he\u2019s halfway to insane. I\u2019m too busy desperately seeking friction to even try to keep up with my end of the kiss, but it\u2019s okay. He\u2019s got me. His large palm comes up, wraps around my neck, angles my head sharply, just so. His tongue is inside my mouth, pressing against mine, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Dirty. This is not a kiss\u2014this is dirty. Obscene. He pushes me against the wall, and I push back, and back, and back, like there can be no air between us. His hand under my shirt is possessive, confident, so large that it completely spans my rib cage, and I arch up, swallowing a whimper in the back of my throat. My head is spinning, my body is melting, I can hear bells, and\u2014 Not bells. A phone. Ringing. It slowly penetrates the thick haze of Levi mouthing my breasts, leaving a wet trail over my T-shirt\u2014God oh God. \u201cYour phone,\u201d I whisper, forcing myself to still my hips. It\u2019s the loudest my voice will go. Then one of his hands slips inside the back of my panties, and he starts grinding me up and down on his abs, and I forget what I meant to say. It\u2019s the exact spot, the exact rhythm I\u2019d been trying to reach. He learned it, and he\u2019s helping me keep it up, fingers digging into the flesh of my ass. A perfect thrust. He growls, and I whimper at the spear of pleasure. My eyes roll in the back of my head, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Yes. Right against\u2014 Yes. There. \u201cLevi,\u201d I gasp. \u201cYour phone\u2014do you maybe want to\u2014oh\u2014pick up?\u201d Or we can just continue until the ache disappears. Yes, that would be lovely. And stopping would be unbearable. Is that his cock rubbing against my ass? No. Impossible. No one\u2019s that big, right? The phone is still ringing. I\u2019m all about ignoring it, but Levi\u2014 I realize that Levi is not ignoring it. Levi is making his way under my shorts, sucking on the spot under my ear, and not even hearing it. \u201cLevi.\u201d He doesn\u2019t quite snap out of it. He doesn\u2019t pull back, doesn\u2019t move his mouth from my skin, but he stops. His grip tightens around me. A","child, reluctant to let go of a favorite toy. \u201cYour phone. Do you want to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d His eyes are glassy. His hands not fully steady as he lets go of me, gingerly, with difficulty. I watch him try to collect himself for long seconds before he picks up. \u201cWard.\u201d He is winded, chest moving up and down. He palms his erection like it hurts, all the while staring at me, me, only me. Then he looks away and his demeanor abruptly changes. \u201cSay that again?\u201d The speaker on the other end is female. I can\u2019t make out the words, but I recognize the voice from before. From the picture in his office. \u201cYeah, of course,\u201d Levi says reassuringly. His voice is still husky, but soft. Caring. Intimate. He turns around and gives me his back, like I\u2019m not here anymore. They used to date, a nagging voice provides. What you just did with Levi? He used to do it with her. And much more. \u201cI\u2019ll be right there.\u201d Reality\u2019s catching up fast. I just\u2014I did that. I haven\u2019t been this close to another human being in years, and now\u2014with Levi. I liked it, too. I forgot myself and probably all decency, but maybe he didn\u2019t? He\u2019s leaving in the middle of it. Because of a phone call. From a friend. Whom he used to date. Shit. Shit\u2014 \u201cBee?\u201d I look up. His eyes are ablaze. His jeans tented. Okay\u2014he is that big. \u201cI need to go.\u201d His throat bobs before and after he says it. He doesn\u2019t seem fully in control. Could I convince him to stay, if I tried? Probably not. I won\u2019t, anyway. \u201cOf course.\u201d \u201cI would\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d \u201cI will\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cYeah, you can\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d I\u2019ve no clue what he\u2019s trying to say, and I seriously doubt he knows what I mean, since I have no idea myself. We\u2019re talking over each other. Just like we were all over each other. Ba Dum Tss.","One last glance and he leaves. He\u2019s halfway down the stairs when I notice the car keys on the table, on top of the diagram I drew. I grab them and run after him. \u201cHey, you forgot your keys!\u201d He stops on the landing and holds out his hand, so I go to him and drop them into his palm. I expect him to leave right after, but he surprises me by stepping closer. Then closer still. For long moments he just looks at me, eyes full of beautiful, undecipherable green things. My throat constricts, my stomach twists, and I want to tell him that I\u2019m sorry, that it\u2019s okay, that I know he made a mistake, that we never need to talk about this, never again. But before I can say anything, he cups my cheek and leans down to kiss me once more. This time it\u2019s sweet, slow, savoring. Patient. This time it\u2019s lingering and gentle\u2014everything our other kiss wasn\u2019t. I want to try them all. All the kisses Levi Ward is capable of, I want to sample them like fine wine. I touch my lips, feel his residual warmth, and don\u2019t take my eyes off his back as he disappears.","17 PULVINAR: REACHING & GRASPING From: [email protected] To: BLINK-CORE-ENGINEERING@MAILSERV, Bee- [email protected] Re: BLINK\u2014Monday I\u2019ll be taking personal time and I won\u2019t be in at all today (Monday). I uploaded three designs for you to work on. Bee came up with a great solution to the hardware\/software incompatibility issues, and I want to nalize its implementation ASAP. Reach me via text if you have questions. LW I read the email for the seventh time, and for the seventh time I marvel that I was given credit for my idea. Goes to show how low the bar is for cis dudes in STEM, doesn\u2019t it? Thank you, Oh Penised Overlords, for the recognition I deserve.","Not that I\u2019m not grateful he introduced the idea, since I\u2019m not sure his underlings would have taken it seriously if it came from me. Remember June 1903, when the Royal Institution invited Dr. Curie to give a lecture and then didn\u2019t allow her to lecture because of her inferior lady brain? Pierre ended up speaking for her, even though she was sitting in the audience. Anyway: the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sausage Referencing\u2122 is still a thing, and sometimes I get angry at myself for the way I accept it. Sometimes I get angry at myself for other things. Like the fact that I should be working, instead of checking my phone to see if Levi texted. Or the fact that I\u2019m upset he hasn\u2019t. Or the fact that suddenly I care to be updated about what he\u2019s doing every second of every minute of every day. It\u2019s not my business, anyway. He has stuff to do. With his ex. Maybe if Tim hadn\u2019t cheated on me for a number of years that cannot be counted on the fingers of one hand I wouldn\u2019t think twice about this. But Levi\u2019s lack of an explanation has me wondering whether he\u2019s hiding something. Don\u2019t get me wrong\u2014I\u2019m aware that our kiss meant nothing to him. So he had a crush on me in grad school? Big deal. It\u2019s been six years. Lots of things changed dramatically in the past six years. The writing on Game of Thrones. The importance of hand sanitizer. My opinions on duck penises. But it was still a kiss. If Levi\u2019s in a relationship with someone else\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . yikes. Is he Tim 2.0? No, he\u2019s not that verminous. He wouldn\u2019t. But aren\u2019t all men the same? Is my head exploding? \u201cAre you picturing me and Kay doing it?\u201d I startle. Roc\u00edo is sitting at her desk, black Dr. Martens propped next to her keyboard and a pink lollipop in her mouth. \u201cHow long have you been here?\u201d \u201cLike, five minutes. You were staring into the distance with a weird deer-in-the-headlights expression, so\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d She stops sucking with a loud pop. \u201cSo, was it me and Kay? On your desk?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure this is sexual harassment.\u201d","\u201cI don\u2019t mind.\u201d \u201cNo, you are harassing me\u2014\u201d I sigh and shake my head. She\u2019s impossible. I want to adopt her and keep her in my life forever. \u201cIs everything okay?\u201d She nods, sticking the lollipop back into her mouth. \u201cIs that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. strawberry?\u201d \u201cBubblegum. Kay gave it to me.\u201d \u201cKay, huh?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d I clear my throat. \u201cI was thinking about a recent conversation we had, in which you told me you weren\u2019t exactly a fan of\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Kay, and\u2014\u201d Roc\u00edo\u2019s boots hit the floor. Hard. \u201cI love her,\u201d she declares. \u201cShe\u2019s perfect. I want her to be my beautiful California Bride with pink ribbons in her hair. I want to give her bubble baths that smell like cotton candy. I want to buy her fruity cocktails with little umbrellas in them.\u201d She leans forward, pinning me with her gaze. \u201cI will wear glitter for her, Bee. Black glitter.\u201d I\u2019m a little out of breath at the intensity. \u201cDoes Alex know?\u201d \u201cI broke up with him. Told him he wasn\u2019t pink enough.\u201d She shrugs. \u201cHe barely cares.\u201d I grin. \u201cI\u2019m so happy for you.\u201d She sobers up. \u201cDon\u2019t be. Life is pain and then you die.\u201d \u201cAh, yes. I forgot.\u201d \u201cAnyway. It\u2019s more important than ever that I get into Johns Hopkins\u2019s neuro program, since that\u2019s where Kay\u2019s going. So we decided to redirect the time and efforts we spent on GRE prep to GRE destruction.\u201d \u201cDestruction?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re joining #FairGraduateAdmissions. It\u2019s a whole movement now. People are fundraising, building awareness, pressuring grad programs to drop the test. We\u2019re going to help organize.\u201d There\u2019s a savage gleam in her eyes. \u201cI\u2019ve spent hundreds of dollars and hours on that test, Bee. Hundreds. I will get my revenge\u2014especially after that stupid Chronicle of Higher Ed article.\u201d","I have no idea what article she\u2019s talking about, but I find it easily. It\u2019s an op-ed by a Benjamin Green\u2014who, a quick Google search informs me, is a VP at STC. The company that sells the GRE. CHALLENGING THE CHALLENGERS: What #FairGraduateAdmissions gets wrong The new trend is to do away with the GRE, which has been widely used by graduate admission committees for decades. @WhatWouldMarieDo was the first to use her platform to bring attention to the \u201cinjustice\u201d it perpetuates, and @Shmacademics helped her amplify the signal by posting reviews of the literature debunking it. Together, the two have almost two million followers. But who are these influencers? What vast monetary operations are behind them? Do they have financial ties with STC competitors? Moreover, these influencers do not provide useful alternatives to the GRE. They talk of holistic admission protocols, but fully reading thousands of applications is too time consuming for admission committees\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. My eyes roll to the back of my skull. Committees need to do right by applicants and should make the time. And who\u2019s this dude? This one-man homeowners\u2019 association? What\u2019s a \u201cvast monetary operation\u201d? I want to break into his house and show him that my salary is probably what he tips his pool boy\u2014and none of it comes from Twitter. But I don\u2019t know where Mr. Green lives, so I just DM Shmac the link. MARIE: Did you see this stupid article? Benjamin Green is o\ufb03cially Camel Dick 2.0. My eyes fall on the messages he sent the last time we talked, when he told me about the girl. My chest clenches, and for some reason I think of","Levi. Of him being gone. Of what his opinion on the GRE might be. Maybe I\u2019m going insane. I don\u2019t wait for Shmac\u2019s response. I log out of the app and force myself to go back to work. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201c W H AT ? \u201d \u201cListen\u2014\u201d \u201cWhat?!\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\u2014\u201d \u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cI\u2014\u201d \u201cWhat?!\u201d I sigh. \u201cOkay, Reike. Let me know when you\u2019re done.\u201d My sister yells \u201cWhat?!\u201d eight more times. \u201cOkay, it\u2019s out of my system. Let us resume. So, you and The Wardass smooched\u2014\u201d \u201cFeels like there should be a better word for that.\u201d \u201cYou sucked faces. Exchanged germs. Swapped saliva. Canoodled. Snogged.\u201d \u201cThe other day you told me in great detail about that Ukrainian guy you pegged, and I didn\u2019t make half the fuss.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s different.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cBecause I\u2019m a seasoned pegger, but you never do this. You were all like, \u2018Neuro\u2019s my wife now, zip up my chastity belt, dig a moat around the Bee-fence,\u2019 and now you\u2019re making out with your nemesis who is apparently into you\u2014\u201d \u201cWas. Was into me. And it\u2019s just a kiss.\u201d If I say it enough, maybe it\u2019ll erase how close I got to being naked with Levi on my kitchen floor. How I\u2019ve been obsessing over his whereabouts all day long. \u201cFYI, I\u2019ll return to the States for your wedding, but I recently discovered the bridezilla subreddit, and I\u2019m not going to dye my hair blond to fit the","ceremony\u2019s color scheme\u2014\u201d \u201cNot happening.\u201d \u201cRight, you\u2019d probably ask for teal green\u2014still a resounding no.\u201d \u201cReike, it was just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. a kiss. He doesn\u2019t care. And I have no intention of caring ever again. One round of returning wedding gifts was enough.\u201d \u201cI never got mine back!\u201d \u201cYou never sent one. Anyway, it was just a kiss. Purely\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d Physical. Burning. Good. Electric. Obscene. Heavy. Dangerous. Good. Wild. Good, good, good. The most erotic moment of my life. But my head has cooled off, I\u2019m not a horny black hole of sexual tension anymore, and I can see how dumb it was. A stupid idea. Three out of ten, would not do again. Plus, I have other concerns. BLINK. My job. Who\u2019ll feed F\u00e9licette once I\u2019m gone. \u201cNothing. Purely nothing.\u201d \u201cRight. Emotions are still scary. Boundary maintenance is a priority. The Bee-fence is up in arms. So when you see him at work tomorrow\u2014\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll be too busy building the best damn helmet this world has ever seen and securing myself a lifetime of professional stability. Away from Trevor.\u201d \u201cOf course. And I assume The Wardass is perfectly okay pretending that \u2014\u201d A knock at my door and I glance at the time\u201410:28 p.m. \u201cGotta go. It\u2019s probably Roc\u00edo coming to reiterate that I\u2019m not her real mother. Or that after you die the enzymes in your digestive tract devour your body from the inside.\u201d \u201cOf all your colleagues, this girl is my absolute favorite.\u201d \u201cShe was caught porking. On my desk.\u201d \u201cHow does she constantly top herself?\u201d I roll my eyes. \u201cBye, Reike.\u201d \u201cWarmest regards, Beetch.\u201d It\u2019s not Roc\u00edo. Instead, there\u2019s a large chest where her head should be. And several inches above that, Levi\u2019s face. \u201cYou forgot this in the rental.\u201d He lifts his left hand, my backpack dangling from his fingers. \u201cOh. Thank you.\u201d I hug it to the front of my body. I\u2019m wearing a sleeveless top I\u2019ve owned since middle school and pajama pants that could","moonlight as underwear. I really thought it\u2019d be Roc\u00edo at the door. I may be blushing all over. \u201cDid you, um, want to come in?\u201d He shakes his head. \u201cI just wanted to return the backpack.\u201d I nod. He nods. There\u2019s a stretch of silent, more awkward nodding, and then he says, \u201cI\u2019ll get going.\u201d \u201cYeah. Sure. Have a good night.\u201d He\u2019s wearing a light blue Henley that does marvelous things for his back. Which I have now touched. Extensively. That\u2019s why I stare as he walks away: I\u2019m mesmerized by how broad, firm, solid he looks. And that\u2019s why when he reaches the stairs and turns around he finds me still there. Still looking. He smiles. And I smile. The smiles linger, warm, honest, and I hear myself ask, \u201cYou sure you don\u2019t want to come in?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not that I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d His throat works. \u201cI didn\u2019t come here for that.\u201d \u201cI didn\u2019t think you did.\u201d I make room for him, and with a few tentative, lumbering steps he\u2019s inside. In all his hulking, massive grace. He looks around, running a hand through his hair. Is he thinking about what happened here twenty-four hours ago? Well, more like twenty-eight point five, but which maniac is counting? \u201cIs that a hummingbird feeder?\u201d he asks. \u201cYep.\u201d \u201cAny hummingbirds?\u201d \u201cNot yet.\u201d \u201cMe neither. In my garden, I mean.\u201d \u201cI noticed the mint you\u2019re growing.\u201d We exchange another smile. \u201cWant to sit on the balcony? I have fancy German beer.\u201d The chairs I comfortably sprawl on look like kid\u2019s furniture under Levi. His hand dwarfs the beer bottle. His profile, as he stares pensively at the Houston skyline, is unbearably handsome. He looks almost aggressively out of place. I want to know what he\u2019s thinking about. I want to ask if he regrets our kiss. I want to touch him again. \u201cI\u2019m sorry about the other night. And about missing work when we\u2019re at a critical point. It was an emergency.\u201d","Oh. \u201cWas it\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . was it something about your non-wife? From the photo?\u201d He chuckles. \u201cI can\u2019t believe the conversation material that picture\u2019s giving us.\u201d \u201cAmazing, huh?\u201d His smile fades. \u201cPenny\u2019s ill. Epilepsy. It\u2019s under control, but she\u2019s growing up fast and her meds need to be adjusted often. It\u2019s tricky, finding the right dosage.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s okay. Weirdly enough, Penny takes it in stride. She\u2019s a remarkably resourceful kid.\u201d He takes a swig and makes a face at the beer. What a heathen. \u201cLily, though\u2014her mom\u2014she struggles. Understandably. I try to be around when things get bad.\u201d I stare into the distance. Of course he does. He\u2019s that kind of person. \u201cI\u2019m glad they have you.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m pretty useless. I mostly play UNO with Penny, or buy her slime that has some toxic ingredient\u2014\u201d \u201cBorax.\u201d \u201c\u2014that drives Lily crazy. Yes, Borax. How did you know?\u201d \u201cI have mom friends. They complain about it.\u201d I shrug. \u201cWhere\u2019s her dad?\u201d \u201cHe died a little over a year ago.\u201d He hesitates before adding, \u201cRock- climbing accident.\u201d For a moment I don\u2019t think much of it. Then I remember the picture in his office. Levi and the tall, dark-haired man. \u201cWere you related?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d His expression darkens. \u201cBut I\u2019d known him forever. Since kindergarten. We\u2019d line up in pairs till the end of elementary school. Peter Sullivan and Levi Ward. Not many T, U, or V names, apparently.\u201d I set my bottle on the table and study his face. Sullivan. That name again. It\u2019s common, that\u2019s why it crops up so often. And yet\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. \u201cLike the prototype?\u201d I murmur. \u201cLike the Discovery Institute?\u201d I wish he\u2019d look at me. But he keeps staring at the city and says, \u201cI didn\u2019t even want to be an engineer. I wanted to major in veterinary science.","Had even declared it, but Peter convinced me to take an engineering class as an elective. We did this project together\u2014we built an olfactory cortex. A piece of hardware that could correctly identify smells. He did most of the work and had to teach me everything, but it was a blast. Thinking that something like that could maybe be used for patients, you know? Somewhere down the line?\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s impressive.\u201d \u201cIt wasn\u2019t always correct.\u201d He bites the inside of his cheek. \u201cOn our final presentation, while the instructor was examining it, the cortex announced that it was smelling feces.\u201d I burst into laughter. \u201cIt maybe needed a few tweaks. But I fell in love with brain-computer interface because of Peter. He was the most brilliant engineer I\u2019ve ever met.\u201d He presses his lips together. \u201cI saw his skull crack in two when he fell. I was ten feet away, halfway through my climb. The noise\u2014it was unlike anything. I didn\u2019t know how to tell Lily. And Penny wouldn\u2019t leave the room\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d His voice is so deceptively level, so painfully neutral, I\u2019m shocked when I realize that my cheeks are wet. I want to reach out to Levi. I need to reach out. But I\u2019m locked inside my head, paralyzed, finally making connections and understanding things. \u201cThey renamed the Institute after him. And he came up with the prototype.\u201d Before dying. That\u2019s why Levi needed to be on BLINK. Why it needed to happen with him in charge. Why he fought so hard for it. Levi. Oh, Levi. \u201cI\u2019m going to build those helmets.\u201d He\u2019s still staring into the distance. His grip on the bottle is a vise. \u201cLike he envisioned them. And they\u2019ll have his name. And Penny will know it was her dad, and she\u2014\u201d He stops. Like his voice will break if he continues. Suddenly, I\u2019m not scared anymore. I know what to do\u2014or at least what I want to do. I stand, slide the beer out of Levi\u2019s hand, and set it on the metal railing with a clink. Then I lower myself into his lap, legs on each side of his waist, my arms around his neck. I wait until his hands are around my waist. Until his eyes shine up at me in the darkness. Then I say, \u201cWe\u2019re","going to build those helmets. Together.\u201d I smile fiercely against his lips. \u201cPeter will know. Penny will know. Lily will know. And you will know.\u201d The kiss is a punch-out drug, but a familiar one. After all, I\u2019ve thought about nothing else for the past day. Pleasure hums through me with every stroke of his tongue against mine, every brush of his fingers against my lower back, every reverent breath against my jaw. He pulls me closer and groans into my skin, half sentences that drive me crazy an inch at a time. \u201cYou\u2019re so\u2014 Fuck, Bee,\u201d as I run my teeth down his throat. \u201cI used to dream of you,\u201d when my fingertips brush against the fine hair underneath his belly button. \u201cI\u2019m going to\u2014we have to slow down, or I\u2019m going to\u2014\u201d after I start rocking on top of him, and the friction of his erection against my clit is already the best sex I\u2019ve ever had. I\u2019m shuddering, pulsating, about to explode with pleasure. My underwear is soaked and I want to get closer. Closer. But our clothes stay on. Frustratingly, maddeningly on, even when he brings me to bed, the kitchen light trickling inside the room. Levi\u2019s grip on my hip is near-bruising, every breath a sharp intake. My body feels warm, buoyant, filled with cutting heat. He looks down at me and says, \u201cI want to fuck you.\u201d He nips at my collarbone, and\u2014he likes teeth. To bite, to clutch, to suck. There\u2019s something devouring about him, something clumsy and overeager, but it\u2019s not a turnoff. He\u2019s usually so patient, meticulous, but now he can\u2019t wait. Can\u2019t have enough. \u201cCan I fuck you?\u201d I nod up at him, let him take my top, my pants, everything off, and the way he looks at me like he has found answers all of a sudden, like my body is a religious experience, has me squirming up for contact. \u201cThis,\u201d he says breathlessly, his thumb tracing reverently the piercing on my nipple. \u201cIf you don\u2019t like it, I\u2014\u201d He shushes me, and it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m okay. I\u2019m totally okay with him staring at my small breasts as though they\u2019re something wondrous, with him kissing them until his lips are plump, until I have to pull at his hair, until I\u2019m so wet, I feel it trickle down my thigh. I\u2019m okay with being told","ridiculous things: I\u2019m a good girl, I\u2019m perfect, I\u2019ve been driving him insane, when he first saw me I changed the chemistry of his brain. He makes me laugh when I roll us around, push him underneath me, his elbows smacking against the hard wall. He mumbles a few obscenities, but when I bend down to kiss him again he forgets all about it. \u201cYou\u2019re too big for the bed,\u201d I tell him between giggles, peeling his shirt from his skin. He has abs. Defined ones. And pecs. He has muscle groups I thought were myths. \u201cYour bed\u2019s too small for me. Next time we\u2019ll do this in mine,\u201d he says, lifting his hips and letting me undo his zipper. The sound of each catch fills the room, and it shouldn\u2019t be so erotic, but I\u2019m naked on top of him, his length rubbing against my core, and there\u2019s no mistaking how deliciously, furiously, eagerly big he is. \u201cIt\u2019s been a while,\u201d he says. I blink at him, breathless, hazy. \u201cYeah. Me too.\u201d I can\u2019t help myself. I touch the damp head of his erection, just a brush of my fingertips. He grunts, bites his lip. His hips jerk. It\u2019s a little like riding a horse. A bull. \u201cDo we need a condom?\u201d he asks. I shake my head and mouth \u201cbirth control,\u201d eager to continue. \u201cThis might be over very quickly,\u201d he husks, hands gripping my thighs as I position him at my entrance. \u201cBut I\u2019ll make it up to you. With my mouth. Or my fingers. If\u2014 Bee. Bee.\u201d I don\u2019t know what I expected from having Levi inside of me. Probably the same as with Tim: something vaguely pleasant. At best, sex made me feel close to him. At worst, I was bored for a few minutes and remembered that taxes were due soon. With Levi it\u2019s nothing like that. I\u2019m in control. I\u2019m easing his cock into my body. I struggle inch by inch to adjust, to accommodate, but it\u2019s my decision. I close my eyes and feel my face twist, half pleasure and half pain. I need more. He needs more. We both need more, and I push down to take him farther inside, thighs and hands trembling as I strain to fill myself with him, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I can\u2019t do it. There is no room. I try again, grinding down to take more of him. My skin beads with sweat. The sense of fullness grows, turns into a sting of","pain, but I push through it, force myself to\u2014 \u201cSlow down,\u201d Levi orders, a little more than a growl. His hands clasp my hips to still me. I open my eyes. Shake my head. \u201cI need to\u2014\u201d \u201cYou need a minute,\u201d he says firmly, and his voice brooks no argument. We\u2019re both shaking, gasping, sweaty against each other, but I pause for a moment, and he nods, choppy, pleased. \u201cGood girl.\u201d He stares at me like he doesn\u2019t know where to settle his eyes. Then he finds the place where we\u2019re joined and starts touching me there, slow, wet strokes of his thumb on my clit that soften me and help me take him all the way. His hip bones press into the undersides of my thighs when he bottoms out. I feel my channel clench and grip him, and his groan tells me that he does, too. He\u2019s in me to the hilt, and I collapse on top of him. \u201cLevi,\u201d I stutter into his mouth. \u201cYou are really big.\u201d Something vibrates between us. Not physical\u2014a feeling. It resonates in my body and in my brain. \u201cYou\u2019ll get used to me,\u201d he gasps against my temple, pushing my hair back from my forehead with trembling hands, and then I am so full, I cannot be still anymore. I roll my hips to test the waters, see what hurts (very little) and what\u2019s good (a whole lot). I learn what I want. Which angle. Which rhythm. In exchange, I let Levi\u2019s hands roam my body wherever he likes\u2014and it\u2019s everywhere. There are wet, filthy, shameful sounds, but I don\u2019t care, too busy gripping the headboard and grinding myself against that spot inside me which\u2014 Yes. Yes. He\u2019s immense, stretching me to my limit and a bit past. I balance myself on his chest. His heart beats a drum against my palm, and I move up and down. Delicious pressure. Pleasure pulses deep in my belly. \u201cLike this?\u201d I ask. He doesn\u2019t answer. Or he does, but in murmurs, incoherent little things, like Please, Be still, Don\u2019t move, You\u2019re so tight, I\u2019m going to\u2014 Oh, shit. It gets worse when I clench around him on purpose, just to see where I can go. There\u2019s no extra room inside me. Nothing at all, and my vision dots. My pulse spikes. My head snaps blank, my lungs void of air, and I come like an","avalanche, a wash of blinding pleasure as my body contracts rhythmically. I whimper my orgasm into the skin of his collarbone. When I can think again, I find Levi on top of me, panting against my throat, fingers tight around my hips. He babbles, groans, desperately grinds his cock against my stomach, but he has pulled out. I am painfully empty, clenching against nothing. \u201cDid you\u2014?\u201d My voice is hoarse. \u201cI\u2019m trying to make it last,\u201d he pants. \u201cI don\u2019t want this to end.\u201d I try to guide him into me once again, but he pins my wrists above my head and kisses me, endless, deep, without restraint, swallowing my soft whimpers in his mouth. Then he slides back inside. In this position he gets deeper. Harder. Different angles. He covers me, all of me, and I let him do what he let me do: find his pleasure in my body. His thrusts are shallow, then slow, then deep. Then his control snaps in two, long movements that drag delicious friction against all of my nerve endings. I love his weight on me. I love his guttural groans. I love the absent, awestruck green of his eyes. I\u2019m so close. So close again. This is good. He is good. We are good. Together. Like this. \u201cBee,\u201d he slurs against my cheek. \u201cBee. You are everything I\u2014\u201d My hands slide against his sweat-slick back, and I hold him together as he shatters into a million pieces.","18 RAPHE NUCLEI: HAPPINESS \u201cAMAZING.\u201d GUY\u2019S VOICE trembles slightly, a tinge of fear to his admiration. Awe, I guess it\u2019s called? All that matters is that it opens the floodgates for everyone else to speak up. \u201cIncredible.\u201d \u201c\u2014we have a working prototype\u2014\u201d \u201c\u2014can\u2019t believe there was such a simple solution\u2014\u201d \u201c\u2014BLINK is basically done\u2014\u201d \u201c\u2014such an elegant way of\u2014\u201d \u201cFucking awesome,\u201d Roc\u00edo declares, the loudest voice. Everyone looks at her, and that\u2019s when the impressed whispers become more like a frat party. High fives, hugs, the occasional chant. I\u2019m surprised a keg isn\u2019t suddenly produced out of thin air. Levi leans against a bench on the opposite side of the room, wearing last night\u2019s Henley. This morning I offered him my stretchy tie-dye camisole, but he just glared at me. Ingrate. He notices I\u2019m staring and we both look away, bashful to have been caught. Then our eyes lock again. This time, we share a smile. \u201cWe should celebrate!\u201d someone\u2019s yelling. We ignore him and keep on smiling.","The first time Tim and I had sex, I was terrified he hadn\u2019t enjoyed it. He didn\u2019t call me for two days, which I spent wondering if I was shit in bed\u2014 instead of focusing on how shitty he was. In the fight that ended our engagement, he accused me of pushing him to sleep with other women because I was \u201ca total starfish\u201d during sex (I had to google what that even meant after he left). On reflection, our relationship was bookended by Tim making me feel terrible about myself. How poetic. Maybe in the past years I\u2019ve learned to give considerably fewer fucks about what dudes think of me, and that\u2019s why I\u2019ve spent zero seconds of the last twenty-four hours wondering whether Levi thinks I\u2019m a shit lay. But maybe that\u2019s not the only reason. Maybe it has to do with the way he looked at me this morning, when I woke up on top of him in my twin bed that he accused of being \u201can instrument of torture repurposed as a piece of furniture.\u201d Maybe it was the quiet, sweetly bashful conversation we had about me being on birth control, and about the fact that we\u2019ve both been living like ascetic monks for long enough that we\u2019re sure to be clean. Maybe it\u2019s the appalled face he made when he saw me guzzle unsweetened soy milk directly from the carton. Maybe it\u2019s the swift, covert glances he\u2019s been giving me all day long. We haven\u2019t talked much. Or\u2014we\u2019ve talked a lot. About circuits and high-frequency stimulation trains and Brodmann areas. The usual. Today\u2019s not usual, though. \u201cLooks like you got it.\u201d Boris comes to stand beside me. He glances at his engineers\u2014currently giving one another celebratory wedgies\u2014with mild disapproval. \u201cWe still need to tweak the neuro software. Then we\u2019ll test the model on the first astronaut. Guy has volunteered.\u201d A euphemism: Guy begged to be test subject number one. It\u2019s nice knowing that someone else is so invested in BLINK. \u201cWhen\u2019s that?\u201d \u201cNext week.\u201d He nods. \u201cI\u2019m going to set up a demonstration for the end of next week, then.\u201d","\u201cA demonstration?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll invite my bosses, your bosses. They\u2019ll invite someone higher up still.\u201d I stare at him, alarmed. \u201cThat\u2019s way too soon. We have weeks before the project deadline, and there\u2019s lots to troubleshoot. Human subjects are involved\u2014plenty of things could go wrong.\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d He gives me a level look. \u201cBut you know what the stakes are, especially with MagTech so close to catching up. And you know the pushback against the project. We\u2019ve got lots of eyes on us. Lots of people who know very little about science, and yet are very invested in BLINK.\u201d I hesitate. Ten days is much fewer than I\u2019m comfortable with. On the other hand, I understand the pressure Boris is under. After all, he\u2019s the one who got us approval to start. \u201cOkay. We\u2019ll do our best.\u201d I push away from the bench. \u201cI\u2019ll tell Levi.\u201d \u201cWait.\u201d I stop. \u201cBee, what are your plans when this is over?\u201d \u201cMy plans?\u201d \u201cYou want to keep working for Trevor?\u201d I press my lips together to temporize, but Boris is no fool. \u201cI\u2019ve chatted with him a few times. He seems to be under the impression that we\u2019re making suits?\u201d \u201cTrevor is\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I sigh. \u201cYeah.\u201d He gives me a commiserating look. \u201cIf the prototype\u2019s a success, NIH will likely promote you, maybe give you your own lab. You\u2019ll have options. But if you don\u2019t like those options\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. come see me, please.\u201d I stare at him wide-eyed. \u201cWhat?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve been wanting to start a dedicated neuroscience team. This\u201d\u2014he points at the helmet\u2014\u201cis one of many things we can do. Our neuro unit is scattered and underutilized. I need someone who can actually lead it.\u201d He smiles tiredly. \u201cAnyway, I\u2019ll go tell Levi about the demonstration. I\u2019m partial to the way he scowls when I give him bad news.\u201d I stand there like an idiot, blinking into the distance. Was I just offered a job? At NASA? Leading a lab? Did I hallucinate? Is there a carbon monoxide leak in the building? \u201cYou coming out to celebrate?\u201d Guy asks, startling me.","I shake my head. Celebration seems premature. \u201cBut you guys have fun.\u201d \u201cSure will.\u201d His eyes lift to a spot above my head. \u201cAnd you?\u201d I turn around. Levi is right behind me. \u201cAnother time.\u201d \u201cYou have plans?\u201d I ask once Guy has left. I look around to make sure we\u2019re alone, like I\u2019m asking Levi for his secret apple pie recipe. I\u2019m ridiculous. \u201cI was going to spend some quality time with my cat.\u201d \u201cExpression night?\u201d \u201cSchr\u00f6dinger and I do sometimes have interactions that don\u2019t involve his rectum,\u201d he points out. \u201cBut no. There\u2019s a restaurant. Vegan.\u201d His eyes wander away, as though he\u2019s embarrassed to ask. \u201cI\u2019ve been wanting to try it. We could\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I laugh. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to.\u201d He gives me a curious look. \u201cDo what?\u201d \u201cTake me out. On a date.\u201d He scowls. \u201cI know I don\u2019t have to.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m aware this isn\u2019t\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I start to tell him that I know it\u2019s not like that between us. That he doesn\u2019t need to take me out. That the sex was excellent, and even though I\u2019m sore and sleepy and possibly all orgasmed out, I\u2019d be happy to have more. With him. If he\u2019s interested. I\u2019m familiar with the concept of friends with benefits. Bed buddies. Frenefits. Fuckfriends. But then I remember the weekend. Watching Star Wars together, drinking Sazerac. This friendship of ours is older than the benefits, even if just by a few hours, and I\u2019d be happy to spend time talking with him. Plus, he probably has no one to try vegan restaurants with. I\u2019m the same in Bethesda. Yeah, that\u2019s why he\u2019s asking me out. \u201cActually, that sounds amazing. Do we need a reservation?\u201d He lifts one eyebrow. \u201cIt\u2019s a vegan restaurant in Texas. We\u2019ll be fine.\u201d I know how this is going to be: Levi will get to work out of his system whatever\u2019s left of his years-old attraction toward me; I will finally get to have some decent sex; we\u2019ll both get to do so without the pressure of being in a relationship and the disastrous stickiness that always happens when you","let yourself care too much about someone. Tonight\u2019s dinner is not going to be a date\u2014just a meal between two horny friends who happen to share dietary preferences. Still, I find myself putting more care than usual into my appearance. I choose a thin rose-gold septum ring, my favorite piercings, and classic red lipstick. I curl my hair to fall in waves down my shoulders. I\u2019m ready well before Levi\u2019s supposed to pick me up, so I go wait on the balcony. Shmac has finally gotten back to me, apologetic for having been offline for the best, then worst, then best weekend of my life. SHMAC: STC is grasping. Everyone knows you have no nancial interests and are supporting #FairGraduateAdmissions because you believe in it. MARIE: I hate what they said about fair admissions being impractical. Who cares? We can and must do better. SHMAC: Orally. MARIE: ??? SHMAC: *Totally. SHMAC: Sorry, speech to text. I\u2019m driving. MARIE: LOL! MARIE: Where are you going? And, does it have to do with your best-then-worst-then-best weekend? And does that have to do with The Girl? SHMAC: I\u2019m taking her out for dinner. MARIE: djhsgasgarguyfgquergqe","MARIE: (That was a keyboard smash, in case text-to- speech is failing you) SHMAC: It was, thank you. MARIE: I\u2019m soooo happy for you, Shmac! SHMAC: I am, too. Though she\u2019s still a bit skittish. MARIE: Skittish? SHMAC: For valid reasons. But I don\u2019t think she\u2019s quite ready to admit it to herself. MARIE: Admit what? SHMAC: That I\u2019m serious about this. That I\u2019m in it for the long haul. Or at least for as long as she\u2019ll have me. I frown. Wait\u2014isn\u2019t the girl in a relationship? There\u2019s no long haul unless she divorces, is there? I want to ask, but I wouldn\u2019t want Shmac to think that I\u2019m judging him for taking up with a married woman\u2014I really don\u2019t, especially since her husband sounds like someone I wouldn\u2019t mind pushing down the Eiffel Tower stairs. I consider telling him that I, too, am going out for dinner\u2014with Camel Dick, no less\u2014but I hear a soft noise. A little ball of red and gray is hovering in midair around the feeder, pretty wings beating happily at a fluttering rhythm. The first hummingbird of the year. \u201cHey, beauty.\u201d He sticks his thin beak into one hole and leaves before I can take a picture. I watch him fly over the parking lot and notice Levi\u2019s truck pulling up. I run downstairs like I\u2019m eleven and heading to the splash pad. \u201cI got my first hummingbird!\u201d I say excitedly, climbing into the truck. Levi has barely finished parking. \u201cRed throat! I didn\u2019t get a picture but they\u2019re territorial, so he\u2019ll be back. And I\u2019ll have the coconut-ginger chickpea soup! My sister says that it\u2019s uncool to read restaurant menus online, but I fully embrace my","obsession with food.\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d I stop. Levi is staring at me open-mouthed. \u201cI have hummingbird shit on my face, don\u2019t I?\u201d He keeps staring. \u201cDo you have a tissue?\u201d I look around the cabin. \u201cOr even a piece of paper\u2014\u201d \u201cNo. No, you don\u2019t\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He shakes his head, lost for words. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d \u201cYou\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He swallows. \u201c.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I?\u201d \u201cThe dress. You wore\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. the dress.\u201d I glance at myself. Oh. Yes. I did wear my Target dress. \u201cI thought you said you didn\u2019t really hate it?\u201d \u201cAnd I don\u2019t.\u201d He swallows. \u201cI really don\u2019t.\u201d I take a better look at him and realize the way he\u2019s staring. Which is\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. \u201cOh.\u201d My heartbeat picks up. \u201cCan I kiss you?\u201d he asks, and I could fall in love with this hesitant, shy version of Levi Ward\u2014the same man who nibbled my throat awake at three a.m. to say that he\u2019d die if he couldn\u2019t fuck me again. I let him, enthusiastically. Just like I let him kiss me now, until we\u2019re making out like teenagers, deep, fingers holding my neck, tongues stroking, his weight pressing me into the seat and he\u2019s really, really good at this, charmingly assertive, deliciously insistent. That\u2019s his hand on my knee, under my dress and up my smooth leg, up and up until it\u2019s wrapped around my inner thigh. A light brush against the front of my panties, and I whimper in his mouth just as he groans. I think I\u2019m already wet. And he knows I\u2019m already wet, because his fingertips slip under the elastic and hook it to the side. I gasp against his mouth and his thumb slides against my\u2014 Someone honks one street over, and we both pull back. Oops. \u201cWe should probably\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cYeah. We should.\u201d We\u2019re both in agreement. And both reluctant. We\u2019re slow to let go of each other, and when he turns the key in the ignition, the same hand that uses precision screwdrivers on a daily basis is trembling slightly.","I glance out the window. \u201cLevi?\u201d \u201cYeah?\u201d \u201cI just wanted to say that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I smile. \u201cRed lipstick looks great on you.\u201d \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 IT\u2019S NOT A date. But if it were\u2014which it isn\u2019t\u2014it would be the best date of my life. Of course, because it\u2019s not a date, the point is moot. But. If it were. Though it\u2019s not. Even when, I must admit, it almost feels like one. Maybe it\u2019s that he paid while I was in the bathroom (I briefly protested, but honestly, I\u2019ll let any dude buy me dinner until the gender pay gap is ungapped). Maybe it\u2019s that we never stopped talking, never, not even for a minute\u2014just polite nods for Archie the Overzealous Waiter when he kept coming by to inquire about our meals. But maybe it\u2019s the hour we spent reframing some of our most traumatic grad school memories. \u201cI presented my data during lab meeting. Halfway through my first year. And you looked out the window for the entire time.\u201d He smiles and takes his time chewing. \u201cYou were wearing this\u201d\u2014he gestures in the middle of his forehead\u2014\u201cthing. On your hair.\u201d \u201cA headband, probably. I was smack in my boho-chic phase.\u201d I shudder. \u201cOkay, you\u2019ve got a doctor\u2019s note for this one. But it was excellent data.\u201d \u201cI know\u2014I was listening. Your salience network research\u2014very compelling. I just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He shrugs. His hand closes around his glass, but he doesn\u2019t drink. \u201cIt was cute. I didn\u2019t want to stare.\u201d I burst into laughter. \u201cCute?\u201d His eyebrow lifts, challenging. \u201cSome of us haven\u2019t outgrown their boho-chic phase.\u201d \u201cUh-huh. What does boho-chic mean, Levi?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s a\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. city? In France?\u201d","I laugh harder. \u201cOkay. Another one. That time that friend of yours from microbiology came into lab. That guy you played baseball with?\u201d \u201cDan. Basketball. I\u2019ve never played baseball in my life\u2014I\u2019m not even sure how it works.\u201d \u201cA bunch of guys stand around in their jammies and chat amiably. Anyway, Dan came into lab to pick you up for a game of a sport, and you introduced him to everyone except for me.\u201d He nods. Tears off a piece of bread. Doesn\u2019t eat it. \u201cI remember.\u201d \u201cWe can agree it was a dick move.\u201d \u201cOr.\u201d He drops the bread, leaning back. \u201cOr, we could agree that a few nights before, after a few drinks, I blurted out to Dan that I was\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 . interested in a girl named Bee, that Bee\u2019s not a common name, and that Dan was totally the kind of person to look you in the eye and ask, \u2018Aren\u2019t you that chick my bro blubbers about when he\u2019s sloshed?\u2019\u2009\u201d My heart skips a beat, but I power through. \u201cYou can\u2019t have an excuse for every single time you acted like a dick.\u201d He shrugs. \u201cTry me.\u201d \u201cThe dress code. A few weeks ago.\u201d He covers his eyes. \u201cYou mean, when I asked you to dress professionally while I was wearing a T-shirt with a hole in the right armpit?\u201d \u201cWere you really?\u201d \u201cMost of my T-shirts have armpit holes. Statistically speaking, yes.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the excuse?\u201d He sighs. \u201cThat morning, Boris said something to me about how he thought NASA might use whatever they could to get NIH off their backs. He said, \u2018I wouldn\u2019t be surprised if they got rid of her because of the hair.\u2019 It was probably a throwaway line, but I panicked.\u201d He lifts his hands. \u201cThen you called me out for promoting gender bias in the workplace, and I felt like a Bond villain bragging about his doomsday device.\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t believe you didn\u2019t just tell me.\u201d In retaliation, I pluck a broccoli rabe from his plate.","\u201cI\u2019m an excellent communicator with outstanding interpersonal skills, according to my r\u00e9sum\u00e9.\u201d \u201cMine says that I\u2019m fluent in Portuguese, but the last time I tried to order food in Coimbra I accidentally told the waiter that there was a bomb in the bathroom. Okay, last one: What about when you refused to collaborate? I overheard you through the door. You told Sam you didn\u2019t want to be on the project because of me.\u201d \u201cYou overheard me?\u201d He sounds skeptical. \u201cThrough Sam\u2019s solid wood slab of a door?\u201d I bat my eyes angelically. \u201cYes.\u201d \u201cWere you eavesdropping in the ficus?\u201d \u201cPerhaps. Anything to say in your defense?\u201d \u201cDid you leave right after I mentioned that I didn\u2019t want the project because of you?\u201d \u201cYup. I stomped my way to my office with the rage of a murder of dragons.\u201d \u201cIs that their collective noun?\u201d \u201cIt should be.\u201d He nods. \u201cIf you left right after you heard your name, then you didn\u2019t hear everything I told Sam. And that misunderstanding is on you.\u201d I scowl. \u201cIs it?\u201d \u201cYup. There\u2019s a lesson for all of us here.\u201d He picks up the piece of bread he dropped earlier. \u201cWhich would be? Don\u2019t eavesdrop in the ficus?\u201d \u201cNope. If you eavesdrop, you shouldn\u2019t half-ass it.\u201d He pops the bread into his mouth, and has the audacity to grin at me. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 SCHR\u00d6DINGER REMEMBERS ME. Possibly from the other night, when he slept on my windpipe, gave me suffocation nightmares, and left black tufts of hair in my mouth. He slinks from his spot on the couch the moment","we come in and twines himself around my bare ankles while Levi stores our leftovers in his fridge. \u201cI love you,\u201d I coo at him. \u201cYou\u2019re a perfect, magnificent beast, and I\u2019ll protect you with my life. I will slay a murder of dragons for you.\u201d \u201cI looked it up,\u201d Levi says from the doorjamb. \u201cIt\u2019s a thunder of dragons.\u201d \u201cFascinating.\u201d I rub the underside of Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s chin. He squints in feline bliss. \u201cBut we like \u2018murder\u2019 better, don\u2019t we? Yes, we do.\u201d I glance up. \u201cI believe I was promised some anal expression?\u201d He shakes his head. \u201cIt was to lure you here. Don\u2019t believe everything you\u2019re told.\u201d \u201cYou heard that, Schr\u00f6dinger? Your daddy uses your malfunctioning glands as bait.\u201d Levi smiles. \u201cHe\u2019s not like that, usually.\u201d \u201cHmm?\u201d \u201cSchr\u00f6dinger\u2019s shy with most people. Hides under the couch a lot. He used to be very aggressive with my\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d The way he trails off has me dying to know. \u201cYour?\u201d He shrugs and looks away. \u201cI lived with a girlfriend. For a few months.\u201d \u201cOh.\u201d The cat flops on his side into a waterfall of purrs. \u201cLily?\u201d \u201cBefore her.\u201d I think I can stop lying to myself and the tiny porcelain frog that passes as my brain and just admit that Levi is the perfect combination of Sexy Guy\u2122, Handsome Guy\u2122, and Cute Guy\u2122. You know when you\u2019ve been in love with someone for years, and then they do something horrible, like forgetting to water your Chia Pet unicorn or screwing your best friend, and you stop seeing them through rose-colored lenses? All their shortcomings are thrown in sharp relief, like you just put on 3D glasses for inside ugliness? Well, now that I\u2019ve gotten rid of my asshole goggles, I can acknowledge that Levi\u2019s been eligible-bacheloring it up just fine. He\u2019ll make some lucky girl an even luckier girl someday. And I have no idea why the idea of him having a live-in girlfriend sends that cold tingle in my belly","\u2014we\u2019ve been fuckbuddies for less than twenty-four hours, for cake\u2019s sake. It\u2019s not my business, and the last thing I want is another relationship doomed to a messy, painful ending (i.e., any romantic relationship). \u201cSchr\u00f6dinger didn\u2019t like her?\u201d He gnaws lovingly on my thumb. \u201cTo be fair, she was a dog person.\u201d \u201cWhen was this?\u201d I ask, as nosy as a curtain-twitcher. \u201cIn grad school. Before\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He doesn\u2019t finish the sentence, but his gaze lingers on me for a moment, and I wonder if he meant \u201cBefore you.\u201d Annie used to have a funny theory: we all have a Year Zero around which the calendars of our lives pivot. At some point you meet someone, and they become so important, so metamorphic, that ten, twenty, sixty-five years down the line you look back and realize that you could split your existence in two. Before they showed (BCE), and your Common Era. Your very own Gregorian calendar. I used to think Tim was my Common Era, but I don\u2019t anymore. In fact, I don\u2019t want another flaky, fickle human being to become my Common Era. You know what would work great as a pivotal lifetime point? Me, getting my own NIH lab\u2014which, I\u2019m thrilled to say, is closer than ever. I almost want to text Annie to ask if new jobs can be Year Zeros, but I\u2019m not quite there yet. Still, it\u2019s nice to know that I could. That the door between us is ajar. Levi wasn\u2019t going to say \u201cBefore you,\u201d because I\u2019m not his Common Era. I don\u2019t care to be. But I\u2019m positive he\u2019ll meet her soon. Probably a girl who\u2019s five eleven, knows how to build a microwave from scratch, and has the astounding grace of Simone Biles. They\u2019ll produce fierce, athletic kids with scarily smart brains and have sex every night, even when there are grant deadlines, even when the in-laws are in the guest room. Hummingbirds will flock to their yard during the spring months, and Levi will study them from his screened-in porch and be implacably happy\u2014just like I\u2019ll be happy with my lab, my research, my students, my RAs (Yes, they\u2019ll all be women. No, I don\u2019t care if you think it\u2019s unfair). But I\u2019m glad I found out that Levi used to like me. I\u2019m glad I get to have excellent sex for the first time in my life. I\u2019m glad we\u2019re doing this","sleeping-together thing without all the ugly that comes from actually investing in a relationship. I\u2019m glad we can be part of each other\u2019s BCE for a while. I\u2019m glad to be here. With him. I might even be happy. \u201cI think you\u2019re the best,\u201d I say, ruffling the fur around Schr\u00f6dinger\u2019s ears. \u201cHe\u2019s very small.\u201d \u201cRunt of the litter.\u201d I smile at the perfect beany underside of his paws. \u201cI\u2019ve always loved an underdog. Undercat?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m surprised someone who likes cats as much as you doesn\u2019t\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cHave one?\u201d \u201cI was going to say five.\u201d I chuckle. \u201cThere is F\u00e9licette\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cI was thinking more of existing cats.\u201d I glare at him. \u201cI\u2019d love to dedicate my life to embodying the cultural archetype of the crazy cat lady. But it\u2019s a bad idea.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cBecause.\u201d I hesitate, and Schr\u00f6dinger purrs against my fingers. My love for him knows no bounds. \u201cI couldn\u2019t take it.\u201d \u201cCouldn\u2019t take what?\u201d \u201cWhen they die.\u201d Levi gives me a curious look. \u201cNot for years. Decades, sometimes. And a lot happens between the beginning and the end.\u201d \u201cBut the end does happen. Unavoidably. All relationships between living beings end somewhere, somehow. That\u2019s just the way it is. One party dies, or is called away by other biological needs. Emotions are transient by nature. They\u2019re temporary states brought on by neurophysiological changes that aren\u2019t meant to be long-lasting. The nervous system must revert back to homeostasis. All relationships associated with affective events are destined to end.\u201d He seems unconvinced. \u201cAll relationships?\u201d \u201cYup. It\u2019s science.\u201d He nods, but then says, \u201cWhat about prairie voles?\u201d \u201cWhat about them?\u201d","\u201cThey pair-bond for life, don\u2019t they?\u201d His eyes glint appraisingly, like he\u2019s observing a fascinating biological phenomenon. We might not be talking about the misery of having to flush a goldfish down the toilet anymore. \u201cThen prairie voles are the exception, because their oxytocin and vasopressin receptors are scattered across their reward systems.\u201d \u201cIsn\u2019t that biological proof that emotions and relationships can be long lasting?\u201d \u201cNot at all. So you have two cute rodents and they stick together. Amazing. But one night husband vole crosses the highway to catch Ratatouille at the local theater and ends up pancaked by a Ford Mustang owned by a dipshit who\u2019s driving to cheat on his wife with an unknowing college girl. Cue: grieving widow vole. It sucks, but it\u2019s like I told you: one way or another.\u201d \u201cAnd what happens in between doesn\u2019t make it worth it?\u201d Have you ever been left behind? I want to ask him. Have you ever lost it all? Do you know how it feels? Because it doesn\u2019t sound like you do. But I don\u2019t want to be cruel. I\u2019m not cruel. I just want to protect myself, and if Levi doesn\u2019t want to do the same\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. he\u2019s stronger than I am. \u201cMaybe,\u201d I say, noncommital, and watch Schr\u00f6dinger gracefully steal to where Levi is standing. \u201cSo, what\u2019s the plan for tonight?\u201d \u201cWhat do you want to do?\u201d I shrug. \u201cI don\u2019t know. What do you want to do?\u201d He smiles at me mischievously. \u201cI thought maybe we could go for a jog.\u201d \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 I\u2019D EXPECTED HIM to be reserved about sex. Not that I\u2019d thought about it very much, but if someone had held a gun to my head and forced me to guess, I\u2019d have probably told them, \u201cI bet Levi Ward is quiet in bed. Boring. Because he\u2019s such a guarded person out of bed. A few low grunts, maybe. A handful of words, all directives. Faster.","Slower. Actually, this other angle is better.\u201d I\u2019d have been wrong. Because there\u2019s nothing reserved in the way he takes his pleasure out of my body. Nothing at all. I\u2019m not sure how I find myself spread out on my stomach in the middle of his bed, trying to breathe steadily as he traces the line of small tattoos down my spine. \u201cThe UK,\u201d he says, hoarse and a little shaky. \u201cAnd\u2014I don\u2019t know this one. Or the next. But Italy. Japan.\u201d \u201cItaly\u2019s\u2014ah\u2014a boot. Easy.\u201d I push my forehead into the pillow, biting my lower lip. This would be easier if he weren\u2019t inside me. If he hadn\u2019t pushed to the side the green panties I\u2019d bought to celebrate BLINK\u2014the ones that I regretted the second Levi was announced as my co-lead, the ones I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d use anytime soon, the ones Levi stared at speechless for a whole minute\u2014and slowly, inexorably slid in to the hilt. \u201cThey\u2019re pretty. The outlines.\u201d He lowers himself to kiss the skin of my neck. It makes his cock shift inside me, and we both groan. It\u2019s just embarrassing, the way my back arches, the way my ass bucks back into his abdomen like my body isn\u2019t mine anymore. \u201cYou might be too tight this way. It might be too good.\u201d Sex isn\u2019t like this. I\u2019m not like this. I\u2019m not the type to come quickly, or uncontrollably, or loudly. I\u2019m not the type to come very often. But there\u2019s a place inside me that he hits. He found it last night, too, but now, in this position, or maybe just because it\u2019s slower\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I don\u2019t know what it is, but it\u2019s even better. He thrusts inside me a couple times, shallow, experimental, and I have to fist my hands into his sheets. They are shaking. \u201cThey\u2019re\u2014\u201d I have to stop. Collect myself. Clear my throat. Tense. Release. \u201cThey\u2019re my homes. All the places I\u2019ve lived.\u201d \u201cBeautiful.\u201d He presses a soft kiss to the ball of my shoulder. \u201cSo damn beautiful,\u201d he repeats, almost to himself, like it\u2019s not about my tattoos anymore. Then the mattress shifts, I hear a frustrated groan, and all of a sudden I feel cold. He\u2019s not touching me anymore. He has pulled back. Pulled out.","\u201cWhat are you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d I try to turn around, but his hand splays between my shoulder blades to hold me down gently. \u201cJust trying to pace myself.\u201d His voice is all strained, self-effacing amusement. I can\u2019t see his smile, but I picture it in my head, faint, warm, beautiful. I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to relax into the sheets, feeling his eyes roam my body. His fingers trail down my back and then he begins to arrange me ever so slightly, tilting my hips at a different angle. Levi exhales. \u201cAll those years ago. And then later. There were lots of things that I imagined doing to you, but I always went back to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d He trails off. For a few seconds I hear very little, but it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m unwinding from the trembling, needy, overheated mess he makes of me, and it\u2019s good to have a moment to calm down. It\u2019ll be nice to keep some dignity in this bed \u2014 The palms of his hands move between my legs and spread them apart. My panties are yanked all the way to the side. I gasp, feeling cold air on my core, feeling so open, exposed, it\u2019s almost obscene. \u201cYou look\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d His voice is quiet, and then he half explodes in a low, \u201cFuck.\u201d I\u2019m a fraction of a second from asking him what\u2019s wrong with me when I feel him pull my hips higher. \u201cLevi?\u201d His tongue, his lips, his nose press into me from behind, and I inhale sharply. First it\u2019s careful, delicate licks, flicking my clit and nudging my opening; then it\u2019s deep kisses, mapping me thoroughly. \u201cOh my God,\u201d I moan. His only response is a low, satisfied growl against my folds, and I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s the vibrations, or the enthusiastic way he\u2019s working on me, or the fact that he\u2019s holding me wide open like I am a feast made for him to consume, but my belly tenses, and my limbs are shaking, and keeping my pleading noises in is a losing game. It can\u2019t last, not like this. It takes him less than a minute to push me tumbling over the edge. This is not my body. Or maybe it is, but Levi\u2019s in charge, and I don\u2019t mind. The pleasure takes over, crashes over me like a tidal wave, and before","it even dries out I feel him rearranging me once more, pressing my stomach into the mattress again until I\u2019m at his mercy. His fingers are on me, parting me open. Then there is a stretch, a split- second burn, and he\u2019s pushing deep inside. He was there before and it was heaven, but I\u2019m wetter now, and the friction is even more delicious. I feel myself tighten, quick, fluttering contractions around his length. This is. So. Unbelievably. Good. \u201cJesus,\u201d Levi grunts. Tests a deep, shaky thrust. \u201cYou\u2019re still coming, aren\u2019t you?\u201d Yes. No. I don\u2019t know. I twist my neck and turn back. He\u2019s looking down at me. At my flushed skin and my trembling flesh. He\u2019s not going to stop anytime soon, I know it. I\u2019m going to come disastrously quickly, again, or maybe I\u2019ll never stop, and he\u2019s going to stare at me for every last second of it. Caging me, propped up on his huge, shaking arms, with that hungry, spellbound gleam in his eyes. \u201cYou\u2019re some kind of fantasy. Built to do this. Built for me. Fuck, Bee.\u201d His rhythm picks up. Uneven and choppy, but it picks up. And I can\u2019t bear it. \u201cYou can\u2019t,\u201d I moan. He immediately pauses. \u201cNo,\u201d I whine. \u201cDon\u2019t stop.\u201d \u201cYou said\u2014?\u201d \u201cJust\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Please, don\u2019t look at me.\u201d He seems to finally get it. \u201cHush.\u201d He lowers himself and presses a kiss to my cheekbones. It\u2019s getting\u2014it\u2019s impossible, but it\u2019s getting even better. He\u2019s figured it out, the inside of me. How to angle his thrusts. They\u2019re more shallow, more purposeful, and I\u2019m\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. Babbling. Things like Oh my god and More and Please and Please harder and he somehow knows what I mean. He makes sense of me, and bends down to run his tongue down the skin of my throat, to bite my shoulder, to grunt his pleasure against my nape. \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d he murmurs gutturally, breath harsh against my ear, \u201chow I haven\u2019t come yet.\u201d","Me neither, I think. I say his name, muffled in the pillow, and just let go.","19 BASOLATERAL AMYGDALA: ARACHNOPHOBIA I\u2019D LIKE TO take back everything I\u2019ve said so far. Well, not everything. Just the whole I\u2019m going to dedicate my life to the pursuit of neuroscience and forsake all bodily pleasure with the sole exception of vegan Nutella bit I\u2019ve been going on about. I\u2019d like to take that part back: having a friend-slash-coworker-slash-whatever with benefits suits me. Deliciously, fantastically, magically so. I am unbothered. Moisturized. Happy. In my lane. Focused. Flourishing. I suspect I\u2019m having the best weeks of my adult life\u2014including the one spent as a Donuts & Art Camp counselor, where the extent of my duties was to stuff my face with frosting and keep an eye on ten-year-olds as they proclaimed that C\u00e9zanne\u2019s paintings were \u201ccute, but very orange.\u201d Maybe it\u2019s the mind-altering sex. I\u2019m sure it\u2019s the mind-altering sex. Undoubtedly it\u2019s the mind-altering sex, but there\u2019s more than that. Take BLINK, for example: the demonstration is set for next Friday. Would I feel a tad more relaxed if I had four more weeks before Boris drags half of Congress in front of me? Of course. I\u2019m obsessive and like to be overprepared. But every single test we ran since our breakthrough gave us excellent results. We\u2019re moving to a stage that feels less \u201cthankless grueling groundwork\u201d and more \u201cgroundbreaking scientific advance,\u201d and most of","the balls are in my court. Each helmet has to be customized for the astronaut who\u2019ll wear it based on the mapping of their brain. It\u2019s a lot of fine-tuning, and I love every second of it. Everyone does: seeing something we\u2019ve been working on tirelessly yield results is a big morale boost, and the engineers have been arriving early and staying late, buzzing around Levi and me with constant questions, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. We\u2019ve been keeping it secret. This thing Levi and I are doing. Obviously. There\u2019s no point in telling the engineers. Or Roc\u00edo. Or Guy\u2014 who mostly alternates between questions about my nonexistent husband and inviting Levi out. On Wednesday it\u2019s: \u201cBasketball tonight?\u201d On Thursday: \u201cBeers?\u201d Friday: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on this weekend?\u201d I\u2019d feel guilty at Levi\u2019s standard response (\u201cSorry, man, I\u2019m swamped.\u201d), but it\u2019s only temporary. Just one of those things: girl with no interest in relationships meets dude who was into her years ago and they take up the horizontal mambo\u2014no strings attached. In a few weeks I\u2019ll be home, and Guy will have Levi all to himself. In the meantime, we\u2019re stocking up on time together like camels. Time and sex. Have I mentioned the sex? I must be twenty hours behind on sleep, but somehow I\u2019m not tired. My body might be evolving into a sophisticated bioweapon capable of converting orgasms into rest. \u201cYou should just move in,\u201d Levi tells me on Friday morning. I blink bleary-eyed over coffee he poured me, my brain struggling to decipher the words. \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d \u201cBring your stuff here.\u201d He just got home from his run and looks sweaty, disheveled, and disturbingly good. \u201cPack a bag. Then you won\u2019t have to go back and forth to get a change of clothes. It\u2019s not your real apartment anyway.\u201d I study him over my mug. Maybe he\u2019s suffering from heatstroke. \u201cI can\u2019t move in with you.\u201d I\u2019m pretty sure there\u2019s language about that in the fuckbuddying contract. \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cBecause. What if you need to\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d Watch pornography? He probably wouldn\u2019t\u2014I\u2019d be his live-in pornography. Bring home other girls? I don\u2019t","see him doing that, either. Man cave it up? It\u2019s a big house. Walk around naked? He already does it. I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m having sex with someone with a six-pack. \u201cI\u2019m serious,\u201d he continues. \u201cI have a better bed. Better cat. Better hummingbirds.\u201d \u201cLies. There are no hummingbirds in your garden.\u201d \u201cThey show up when you\u2019re not around. You\u2019ll have to move in to see them.\u201d \u201cRoc\u00edo might notice.\u201d He is quiet, waiting for me to elaborate. \u201cAnd?\u201d \u201cThen Kaylee would. And she might tell others. If I\u2019d found out that Sam was screwing Dr. Mosley on the side, I\u2019d have hollered it to the winds.\u201d I frown. \u201cI\u2019m a monster. Poor Sam.\u201d \u201cIf Kaylee tells others, then she tells others. That\u2019s not a problem.\u201d I rub my eyes. \u201cI\u2019m not sure I want your entire team to know that I\u2019m having a thing with a colleague. It sounds like the type of thing\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201c.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0for which women in STEM get unfair shit all the time?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d \u201cFair. But even if Roc\u00edo noticed, she wouldn\u2019t know that you are at my place. Plus she might have other stuff on her mind, given the number of times I\u2019ve heard her and Kaylee call each other \u2018babe\u2019 in the last week.\u201d \u201cTrue.\u201d I bite my lower lip, actually considering moving in. Am I insane? I don\u2019t think so. I just like him\u2014like this, being with him. Fuckbuddyship with Levi Ward suits me, and I just want\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. a little more of it. \u201cFYI, I wear a retainer at night.\u201d \u201cSexy.\u201d \u201cAnd your bathroom will be stained purple forever. Seriously. Five showers and your bathtub will be a giant eggplant emoji.\u201d He gives me a solemn nod and pulls me closer. \u201cIt\u2019s everything I ever wanted.\u201d \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022","IT\u2019S SATURDAY MORNING and we\u2019re cooking together\u2014by which I mean Levi\u2019s making pancakes and I\u2019m standing next to him, stealing blueberries and telling him about The Mermaid\u2019s Tale, the Young Adult book idea I\u2019ve been nursing since grad school (nothing like a nanoscopic office and perennially skirting the poverty line to stimulate a gal\u2019s imagination for escapist fiction). \u201cWait.\u201d He frowns. \u201cOndine doesn\u2019t know she\u2019s half mermaid before joining the swim team?\u201d \u201cNope, she doesn\u2019t know she was adopted. She finds out on the first practice, when they throw her in the water and she swims one lap in\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I\u2019ll have to research how long it takes to swim one lap, but she\u2019s as fast as\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d \u201cMichael Phelps?\u201d Levi flips a pancake. \u201cSure, whoever that is. And Joe Waters, cutest senior in school, sees her and becomes her faithful sidekick in her journey of self-discovery.\u201d \u201cDo they end up together?\u201d \u201cNope. He goes to college, she sprouts a tail.\u201d \u201cCan\u2019t they do long distance?\u201d \u201cNo. I won\u2019t lie to impressionable youths about the durability of human relationships.\u201d He scowls. \u201cThat\u2019s a bad ending\u2014\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s not\u2014it\u2019s mer-mazing!\u201d \u201c\u2014and long-distance relationships are not a lie.\u201d \u201cHappy-ending long-distance relationships sure are. Just like all other happy-ending relationships.\u201d He pins me with a look. The corners of the pancake are darkening dangerously. \u201cAnd ours will end poorly, too?\u201d \u201cNah.\u201d I wave my hand. \u201cWe\u2019ll be fine, because we\u2019re casual.\u201d He stiffens, lips thinning. \u201cI see.\u201d He relaxes with visible effort, and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. there\u2019s something odd about his expression. \u201cWhat\u2019s that face?\u201d I ask. \u201cWhat face?\u201d \u201cThat one. The one you put on when you\u2019re about to try to convince me that Nirvana is better than Ani DiFranco.\u201d","\u201cI\u2019m not going to try to convince you.\u201d \u201cAh. So you admit that I\u2019m right.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not right. You\u2019re stubborn, and misguided, and often wrong\u2014 about music and other things. But there\u2019s no use in trying to reason with you.\u201d He leans closer and kisses me\u2014lingering, soft, deep. I lose myself a little. \u201cI\u2019ll just have to show you.\u201d \u201cShow me wh\u2014?\u201d Levi\u2019s phone rings. He takes a moment to turn off the stove before picking up. \u201cYes?\u201d The voice on the other end is almost familiar\u2014Lily Sullivan. \u201cHey. I\u2019m with Bee.\u201d I give him a curious look. Why would Lily know who I am? \u201cSure. Of course\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I\u2019ll ask.\u201d He presses his phone against his shoulder, looking at me. \u201cAny interest in spending a few hours hanging out with a six-year-old who wants to be a spider vet and has strong opinions on Pok\u00e9mons?\u201d I\u2019m briefly confused. Then I realize what he\u2019s asking and my face splits into a grin. \u201cLots of interest. But, Levi?\u201d I whisper as he puts the phone back to his ear. \u201cPok\u00e9mon is uncountable.\u201d \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 LILY SULLIVAN IS warm, personable, and sweet in a delicious Southern way that has me instantly liking her and feeling welcome in her beautiful Early American home. Penny Sullivan, though\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I fall in love with Penny the second I lay my eyes on her. Not true. I fall for her when she looks up from lying facedown on the living room rug and moans with wide, pleading eyes, \u201cMy kingdom. My entire kingdom for a Twinkie.\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s on her fourth day of Keto,\u201d Lily whispers. \u201cFor her epilepsy.\u201d She gives me the doleful look of a mother who\u2019s been feeding her kid eggs and avocados for too many meals. \u201cI don\u2019t think she ever asked for a Twinkie before today.\u201d","I remember the cravings of nine-year-old Bee, who was brutally informed by her cousin Magdalena that gummy bears are made with animal bones and didn\u2019t find out about vegan alternatives for years. \u201cYeah, diets are funny like that.\u201d Though Penny seems fine now that Levi\u2019s here, laughing uncontrollably when he picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and starts making his way across the house. \u201cPenny Lane and I will be in the backyard, if you want to join us.\u201d It\u2019s clear that they have a routine, which consists of Levi pushing a long swing that dangles from the branch of a tall tree, and Penny yelling, \u201cMore! More!\u201d as Lily sits on the patio and smiles fondly at them. I take the chair next to hers, and thank her when she pours me a glass of lemonade. \u201cI\u2019m so glad you came over. Penny was supposed to have a sleepover tonight, but we postponed after the seizure earlier this week. She didn\u2019t take it well.\u201d \u201cI\u2019d be grumpy, too. And it\u2019s no problem at all\u2014your home is so lovely, thank you for having me.\u201d She smiles, covering my hand with her palm. \u201cThank you for not thinking that\u201d\u2014she gestures vaguely to herself, the house, Levi, and even me\u2014\u201call of this is weird. Having this woman who\u2019s always calling the man you\u2019re dating\u2014\u201d \u201cOh, it\u2019s not like that. We\u2019re just\u2014\u201d My eyes dart to the swing. Can I talk about sex within one hundred feet of a child? Is there a law against it? \u201cIt must be uncomfortable, considering that Levi and I once\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .\u201d She gives me an apologetic look. I want her to stop talking about this for many reasons, including the fact that while I have no right to be jealous, judging by the little pang in my stomach I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. apparently am? A little bit? Yikes, me. \u201cIt\u2019s long over,\u201d Lily continues. \u201cAnd it was just a few weeks. We met here in Houston when he came to spend the summer with Peter, before the last year of his Ph.D. Then he went back to Pittsburgh. We were supposed to try long distance, but he said he met someone else.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d The pang turns into a thud. Who did Levi meet in his fifth year? Well, me. Duh. But he can\u2019t have broken up with someone like Lily for\u2014","\u201cWhen he told Peter that we\u2019d split, Peter admitted that he liked me and asked me out.\u201d She spreads her hands, as though she cannot believe her own story. \u201cWe got married two months later, and I got pregnant right after. Can you believe it?\u201d I smile. \u201cIt\u2019s so romantic. I\u2019m so sorry about what happened to Peter.\u201d \u201cYeah. It was\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. It\u2019s not easy.\u201d She looks away. \u201cThank you for what you\u2019re doing for BLINK. I know it\u2019s high security and you can\u2019t talk about it, but when you came on board, Levi mentioned what an asset you\u2019d be. It means a lot, having someone like you carry out Peter\u2019s legacy. And thank you for sharing Levi with us.\u201d There\u2019s a lump in my throat. \u201cHe\u2019s not mine to share.\u201d \u201cI think he might be, actually. Oh, that little\u2014 Penny, you need a hat! You can\u2019t be in the sun like that!\u201d \u201cLevi said I could!\u201d Levi lifts one eyebrow, clearly having said no such thing. Penny sullenly stalks to her mother, only to stop in front of me with a shy, hesitant look. \u201cDoes that hurt?\u201d she asks, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. \u201cWhat\u2014 Oh, my nose piercing. Just a tiny bit when I first got it, many years ago.\u201d She nods skeptically. \u201cIs your name really Bee?\u201d \u201cIt is.\u201d \u201cLike the bug?\u201d \u201cYup.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d Levi and I laugh. Lily covers her eyes with a hand. \u201cMy mom was a poet, and she really liked a set of poems about bees.\u201d Penny nods. Apparently, it makes as much sense to her as it did to Maria DeLuca-K\u00f6nigswasser. \u201cWhere\u2019s your mom?\u201d \u201cGone, now.\u201d \u201cOh. My daddy\u2019s gone, too.\u201d I can feel the tension in the adults, but there\u2019s something matter-of-fact about the way Penny talks. \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite animal?\u201d","\u201cWill you be disappointed if I don\u2019t say bees?\u201d She mulls it over. \u201cDepends. Not if it\u2019s a good one.\u201d \u201cOkay. Are cats good?\u201d \u201cYes! They\u2019re Levi\u2019s favorite, too. He has a black kitty!\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d Levi interjects. \u201cAnd Bee has a kitty, too. A see-through one.\u201d I glare at him. \u201cMy favorite animals are spiders,\u201d Penny informs me. \u201cOh, spiders are, um\u201d\u2014I suppress a shudder\u2014\u201ccool, too. My sister\u2019s favorite animals are blobfish. Have you ever seen one?\u201d Her eyes widen, and she climbs on my lap to look at the picture I\u2019m pulling up on my phone. God, I love children. I love this child. I look up and notice the way Levi\u2019s staring at me with an odd light in his eyes. \u201cIs your sister a child?\u201d Penny asks after making a face at the blobfish. \u201cShe\u2019s my twin.\u201d \u201cReally? Does she look like you?\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d I scroll to my favorites and tap on a picture of the two of us at fifteen, before I started what Reike calls my \u201cjourney of soft-core body modification.\u201d \u201cWow! Which one is you?\u201d \u201cOn the right.\u201d \u201cDo you get along?\u201d \u201cYeah. Well, we insult each other a lot, too. But yeah.\u201d \u201cDo you live together?\u201d I shake my head. \u201cI actually don\u2019t see her in person much. She travels a lot.\u201d \u201cAre you mad that she\u2019s gone?\u201d Ah, children. And their loaded questions. \u201cI used to be. But now I\u2019m just a bit\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. sad. But it\u2019s okay. She needs to travel just as much as I need to stay put.\u201d \u201cMy friend said that if you\u2019re a twin, your children will be twins, too.\u201d \u201cYou have a higher probability, yes.\u201d \u201cDo you want twins?\u201d","\u201cPenny,\u201d Lily reprimands her gently, \u201cno grilling guests on family planning before lunch.\u201d \u201cOh, that\u2019s fine. I would love to have twins.\u201d I used to dream of it, actually. Even though at this point I probably won\u2019t. For obvious reasons. That I won\u2019t bother Penny with. She smiles. \u201cThat\u2019s good, because so does Levi.\u201d \u201cOh. Oh, I\u2014\u201d I feel myself go crimson and look at Levi, expecting to find him just as embarrassed, but he\u2019s staring at me with the same expression from before, only about twenty times more intense, and\u2014 \u201cDoes anyone want sherbet?\u201d Lily asks, clearly picking up on the weirdness. \u201cMother,\u201d Penny says darkly, \u201cmust you torture me?\u201d \u201cI got special ice cream at the store for you.\u201d Penny\u2019s eyes widen and she runs inside the house. \u201cPoor girl,\u201d Lily mutters as we follow her inside. \u201cKeto ice cream\u2019s probably disgusting.\u201d \u201cYou underestimate how desperate she might be,\u201d I tell her. \u201cThere are things I used to find appalling after going vegan that I started loving out of \u2014\u201d \u201cBee! Bee! Look, I want to show you something!\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d I smile and crouch to her height. \u201cThis is Shaggy, my\u2014\u201d My eyes fall on the stuffed tarantula plush toy in her hands, and sound recedes. My vision fogs. I\u2019m hot and cold at the same time, and all of a sudden, everything goes dark. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 \u201cTHAT WAS SO cool! Levi, I love your girlfriend soooo much!\u201d \u201cI know the feeling.\u201d \u201cGoodness. Should I call 911?\u201d \u201cNah, she\u2019s fine.\u201d Everything\u2019s foggy, but I think I\u2019m in Levi\u2019s arms. He\u2019s patiently holding my head up, no concern in his tone. In fact, he sounds weirdly charmed. \u201cThis happens to her every other day.\u201d","\u201cSlander,\u201d I mumble, fighting to open my eyes. \u201cLies.\u201d He smiles down at me and\u2014he\u2019s so handsome. I love his face. \u201cLook who\u2019s gracing us with her presence.\u201d \u201cIs it low blood sugar?\u201d Lily asks apprehensively. \u201cCan I get you anything to\u2014?\u201d \u201cBee is like me!\u201d Penny is saying, clapping her hands excitedly. \u201cShe has the same bursts of electricity in her brain! She has seizures!\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s a bit like seizures,\u201d I say, straightening up. \u201cBee has a useless parasympathetic nervous system, which is an endless source of entertainment,\u201d Levi explains to Penny. \u201cExcuse me.\u201d I scowl. \u201cSome of us don\u2019t have the luxury of stable blood pressure.\u201d \u201cI didn\u2019t say it wasn\u2019t cute,\u201d he murmurs inaudibly against my temple. The scratch of his stubble against my skin is rough. His lips, soft. Penny seems to be a fan, too. \u201cDoes your twin faint, too?\u201d \u201cNope. She got all the best things.\u201d Like the ability to burp the French national anthem. \u201cIt\u2019s so cool!\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s actually a very maladaptive autonomic response.\u201d \u201cCan you do it again?\u201d \u201cNot really, sweetie. Not on command.\u201d \u201cWhen do you do it, then?\u201d \u201cIt depends. Sometimes it\u2019s highly stressful, surprising situations. Other times it\u2019s just seeing things that I\u2019m afraid of, like snakes or spiders.\u201d Penny\u2019s eyes widen. \u201cSo if I show you Shaggy again\u2014\u201d Levi and Lily yell, \u201cNo!\u201d at the same time, but it\u2019s too late. Penny whips the toy back out from behind her back, and everything goes dark again. \u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u2022 WE STAY WITH the Sullivans all day, and after Shaggy gets locked in an out-of-reach cupboard, we have a blast. By the time we\u2019re ready to leave, I know more about Pok\u00e9mon than I ever cared to, and Penny has tried to","make me faint again approximately twenty times by drawing spiders on every available piece of paper. That little monster. I love her to death. But when we say goodbye in the entrance, agreeing that we should do it again soon, it\u2019s a bit like a pianoforte crashing on my head. \u201cHow long will you be in Houston?\u201d Lily asks. All I can do is burrow farther into Levi\u2019s side. \u201cUnclear. The project was originally supposed to last around three months, but things are going very well, so\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d I shrug. Levi\u2019s arm tightens around me. I\u2019m fully aware that Levi and I are the Merriam-Webster definition of transitory. But I\u2019m enjoying this so much. His company. His friends. His food. I\u2019ll be sad when this is over in a couple of weeks. \u201cAre your parents still going to be in town next week?\u201d Lily asks. Levi\u2019s arm tightens again, this time in a completely different fashion. Before it was possessive, comforting. Now it\u2019s just tense. \u201cYeah.\u201d \u201cUgh. Sorry about that. Let me know if you need anything.\u201d Curious, I bring it up as soon as we\u2019re alone in the truck. \u201cYour family will be here?\u201d He starts the truck, looking straight ahead. I\u2019m beginning to recognize his moods, but this one I\u2019m not familiar with. Yet. \u201cMy parents. There\u2019s some event on the Air Force base here.\u201d \u201cAnd you\u2019re going to see them?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll probably have dinner.\u201d \u201cWhen?\u201d \u201cNot sure. My father will let me know when he\u2019s free.\u201d I nod. And then I hear a voice that sounds a lot like mine ask, \u201cCan I come?\u201d He puffs out a laugh. \u201cAre you a fan of strained silences interrupted by the occasional \u2018Pass the garlic salt\u2019?\u201d \u201cIt can\u2019t be that bad. Otherwise you wouldn\u2019t even get together.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019d be surprised by the lengths my father will go to let me know the depth of his disappointment.\u201d \u201cWhat about your mom?\u201d"]