Distance Parenting and the Re-integration

Distance Parenting and theRe-integration of a “Foreign Body” Parents Weekend 2016 - October 15, 2016 UNF Student Union Ballroom

DISTANCE PARENTING: Listening to your son ordaughter and yourself is critical at this juncture• Giving “roots and wings” has been your job from the beginning• Accepting these contradictory roles -- building closeness and fostering independence -- can be a struggle• You’ll need to protect less, tolerate and accept more and maybe attend more to subtle changes• Don’t forget to celebrate more• (Because life is short)

DISTANCE PARENTING: (continued)• Look for things about your son or daughter to celebrate• To reach independence they need freedom, but with that comes responsibility• College students are just BEGINNERS in this process – Do not let your future expectations cover up what they have already accomplished.

RE-INTEGRATION TIPS:• Assume that things have changed, at least a little, for your son or daughter• Perhaps their “look” has changed: weight, haircut/hair style, tattoo, or a piercing• Be reasonable, if there was a problem within the family before they went to college, it likely has not been magically cured.

RE-INTEGRATION TIPS: (continued)• When seeking information, do so gently. It is amazing how questions can turn into an interrogation. Ask once and then wait. If they don’t answer, they likely never will no matter how much pressure you bring to bear.• Be prepared to re-negotiate the “house rules”, at least a little bit• Prepared yourself to see and hear about some differences at Thanksgiving or during the Winter Break

RE-INTEGRATION TIPS: (continued)• Your student has been introduced to some new ideas, some of them are very different than yours (e.g., politics, religion, relationships, economics, etc.)• Avoid comparisons between their experience and yours or an older siblings’• By the way, do NOT mention the “freshmen fifteen” or bust their chops about grades. They know it better than you and this is the time to accept them back into the home and family, “Just as they are”.

RE-INTEGRATION TIPS: (continued)• Let your son or daughter call you, but insist on some consideration. “Let me know your plans, especially if you are going to be out late with your friends.”• Listen to roommate, social and grading disputes, but refer to the Student Ombudsman and/or Residence Life Coordinator or consult with counseling staff via 904-620-2602• Take a coaching role in the area of finance.• Engage in activities that are personally rewarding to yourself during this time. Be aware of the difference between being supportive and over- involved or unproductive hovering.• Broaden your expectations for who comes home for the holidays• When your son or daughter begins adulthood they will respond better to authoritative knowledge-based advice versus authoritarian demands.

RE-INTEGRATION guidelines:• Offer multiple positive themes: “It’s great to have you back!”, “I am so proud of you!”, “I believe you can do it!”• Don’t panic (even though it is the PERFECT time to panic) about drugs, sex and academic failure• Remember the good foundations you’ve given them. A farmer doesn’t dig up seeds he’s planted just to see how they are doing.• Trust them and focus on your relationship in the here and now.

RE-INTEGRATION guidelines: (continued)• Don’t make assumptions. One test score, good or bad, does not a semester make• Support and encourage. Do not interrupt.• Focus on clear communication• Be clear in your communication: Are they hearing YOYO or You’re on your own.• And once again, listen carefully