Flame: You

flame THE OFFICIAL LITERARY FOLIO OF THE REVIEW .you. .you.

The official literary folio of The Review, the official student publication of Northwestern University. Academic Year 2021-2022 No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses.

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1 Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself?

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? “You, yes, you who have been suffering inside. You who have been smiling all day, whose pillows are wet all night. You matter, and you are loved. I looked at Thana, my friend, who just ended her speech for today’s ceremony. She smiled at us while teary-eyed, for she had finished college with flying colors. She deserves the claps and praises because behind those are the sacrifices she made for her to achieve this dream. Thana is the most silent yet caring person I have ever met. She was the Summa Cum Laude of our batch and always an achiever. I tend to see her as a competitive person who doesn’t want to have a grade lower than 95 and is so strict, especially in terms of academics. I was not entirely wrong though almost all the things I mentioned; I was wrong in one thing. She is not a competitive person at all. She is down-to-earth, and the only rival that she only considers is herself. Zeneath, on the other hand, was also our friend. She has been the most cheerful person I have ever met. I have never seen her being discouraged by anything. There was this time that our department head called them out because she is part of those who need to take the removals exam in order for t=hem to pass the subject. Of all our classmates who have been called out, being frightened of what will happen, she is the only one who came to us with a wide smile saying, “Both of you will help me review, right? Starbs tonight? My treat.” For the past four years that she has been with us, I can no longer count the times I have heard this phrase from her. I guess these moments also helped to strengthen our relationship with one another. “Rue, come, let’s take a photo together,” the loud voice of Zeneath brings me back to reality. I turned my gaze in her direction, which made me realize that the program had already ended. I cannot help but smile bitterly. This should be a happy day, right? With that, I tried to bow my head and then compose myself to smile as wide as I could, even if my heart was aching. They take photos endlessly -- different poses with different people. The cheerfulness of Zeneath made my heart full. She unconsciously cheers me up at all times. Pop-up jokes that weren’t even funny but the way she laughed and delivered them was hilarious and heartwarming. Therefore, I think that I can never survive college without these two by my side.

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? After the countless pictures, Thana’s parents called her, and we bid our goodbyes. Not long after, Zeneath was also called by her parents because their visitors were already waiting for her. They invited me to join them, but I refused because I wanted to go somewhere. Far from these happy vibes, somewhere that can comfort my mind and heart. Despite the achievement that I have accomplished, I can’t help but feel lonely. Today is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life, and yet no one has come to share it with me. I started to pave my way against the crowd. Some of the people who recognized me gave their warm congratulations and gave me a sense of comfort. I have poured a lot of effort just to attain this achievement I have. No one knows my sleepless nights and the anxiety I feel during exams because I tend to show how composed I am. No one knows I am hiding behind the mask just to be considered average. I always think about what my classmates and professor say about me. When I know that I am going to ace the exam and see that Thana is not confident, I purposely make sure to make mistakes. A tear escaped from my eyes, but I immediately shrugged it away. I cannot break down, not now. It is just sad to think that I never chose myself and never showed my true self to anyone because in the back of my mind I will never be accepted. Before I reached my car, I saw my instructor who accompanied me during the march. I approach her and tell her how thankful I am that she stood by my side. Instead of talking to me, she pulled me into a hug. “I am proud of you, Rue. You are one of the most humble and caring students that I have ever had. Just keep aiming high. Top the board exam for me, okay?” she uttered as she let go of the hug. She smiled once again and started walking away from me. As I reached the parking area, I opened the car immediately. I stared blankly at the people walking towards their cars with their family and friends. The envious feeling inside me started to suffocate my heart. This should have been us. I should have been in that kind of moment too. I could also be someone who was loved by the people around her. Feeling something vibrating in my pocket awakened me. As I saw the caller’s id, I heaved a heavy sigh. “Is your graduation ceremony done already?” My aunt said before I could even say hello.

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? “Yes, auntie,” I cleared my throat as I responded to her. “Make sure to study hard for your board exam and to enroll in a review center immediately. I don’t want to see you slacking off. If you could have been the summa cum laude, I would be glad to come and attend your ceremony,” before I could even respond, she had already turned off the call. I was left dumbfounded. Again, regardless of how hard I work. I can never satisfy her or anyone. No one has ever asked if I am okay or if I can still hold on. The struggles I’ve faced just to achieve this were invalidated. How can everyone make me feel like I don’t deserve recognition? When will these expectations around me end? I am so exhausted trying to prove that I deserve to be appreciated. I may not be the best in class, but at least I am trying. Why can’t they see my pain? Why do they always turn a blind eye to me? I was smiling bitterly as I was reminded of how hypocritical I am. I could have been the best in class. They could have seen my pain only if I had told them about it. This is all my fault, isn’t it? I never let myself be heard. I never wanted to be pitied nor to be applauded. It’s just that limelight was never my cup of tea because I was not too fond of the past to come back. I find myself driving to the place where I feel safe -- where I can be myself and express my thoughts and emotions. I finally made it through its parking lot and let myself go to my place of comfort. I started to lit the candle and place the flowers that were given to me earlier. Also, I removed the medals wrapped around my neck and placed them in my parents’ tomb. “Mom, Dad, I’m here. Can you see me?” I whispered and felt the cold air filling in; that made me shiver a bit. I guess my parents are waiting for me here, huh? I sighed as I lay down in the grass beside their tomb. Tears started to fall as I hummed the lullaby that my mother used to sing when I was still a child. She always sings this to me to calm me down -- my heartaches as I realize that I am slowly forgetting it sounds like. I am afraid that the time will come when I can no longer remember the beautiful memories that I have with my parents. “There were a lot of times that I badly wanted to give up. I never expected to be involved in this field because I have always despised hospitals because of what happened to both of you. I saw... you dying before me, not knowing what to do.”

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? I stood up because I can no longer breathe properly, but maybe because I am too weak, I cannot get hold of myself. I let myself fall to my knees. I let myself cry out loud. I no longer care if anyone will witness my weeping. My memory of how my parents were taken away from me is still vivid. With that, I’ve always convinced myself that I’m not cutout for this kind of work. I’ve always loathed hospitals because I witnessed my parents gasping for air and being whisked away from me while they were there. These thoughts grieved me since the more I dislike something, the closer it gets to me. “I never wanted to be part of the medical field, mom, dad. I never wanted to follow your steps. I... never wanted to save the lives of others but can’t even save yourself. Why didn’t you choose yourself at that moment? Why didn’t you turn a blind eye to those who need help? Why didn’t you think of me? I needed you too... and I will always need you.” I looked up while I was on my knees and watched how the clouds started covering the shining stars. My heart is aching, bleeding for my parents. They have sacrificed a lot just to save their patients, yet ironically, despite all their sacrifices, they were not saved. “Are you happy to see me following your steps? I am sorry if I let myself be drowned in other people’s thoughts. I am sorry for letting you down. If I am just the Magna Cum Laude of our class. Were you disappointed too? Because Aunt Alice was disappointed. Yet it’s okay because I never wanted anyone to know my real identity. I am sorry, mom; I am sorry, dad.” Tears have already dried in my cheeks. Venting out must be the thing that I have ever needed. Raindrops started to pour. I smiled cynically as I slowly touched their name on their grave. I cannot imagine that I am following your steps, the field that I despise because you always choose your patients over me. “Rue?” a voice spoke from the dark. I turned my gaze and saw two familiar shadows. “Zeneath? Thana? What are you doing here?” I was shocked that my friends were right now in front of me. “I got into an argument with my mom, and then I just felt like I needed to see my grandparents. Unexpectedly I saw Zeneath in front. Before we could even talk, we heard someone crying, then we found you here,” I looked at Thana as she said these words to me.

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? Not knowing what to say, I smiled and fixed myself. I was about to say something when Zeneath cut me off. “You don’t need to pretend everything is okay because we know it’s not. We are always here for you, Rue. We accept you for who you are. Choose yourself.” “Choosing myself will hurt you both,” I whispered. “Would you rather hurt yourself and be miserable? Or you’ll finally set yourself and be happy?” Thana answered as she genuinely smiled at me. “Rue, we are your friends. We accept you for who you are. We are bound to make mistakes and hurt each other because this will strengthen our relationship together,” Zeneath added. I don’t know what to say nor do, but I suppose I am the only one hurting myself. I often live my life the way others want me to be. I let my aunt dictate what course I should take. I allowed myself to step down just to make someone shine. The sacrifices I made just to please other people are not enough to compensate for the heartaches I had. Why do I have to blame anyone for my misfortunes? These two people beside me made me realize that I shouldn’t blame anyone because the only person who makes my life miserable is myself. Prioritizing other people’s feelings and opinions makes me slowly forget who I am and what I’ve loved and liked. I have always wanted to follow my parents’ footsteps. I just tend to dislike that thought because they don’t have time for me anymore. That’s why I kept on saying that I’ll be a writer. Life on the other hand, taught me a lesson the hard way. The detest I felt for health care, and the feeling of loneliness that I felt when my parents left me were slowly being replaced with guilt. For I am bound to understand where their beliefs are coming from. I just wished they had thought of me, too, because I was dying inside, and my thoughts kept eating me each day. And the moment they were taken away from me turned me into a person without a soul. I looked at my friends staring at me intently. I smiled a little bit and looked at my parents’ grave.

Chapter One: Will there be a time that I’ll choose myself? Mom and Dad, I know you are watching me from above. You are cheering with my little brother and our grandparents right? I am sorry if I've caused you pain. I am sorry for not living my life right. I should not let the opinions of others get me. I should have just been proud that I am the daughter of the most prominent cardiothoracic couple surgeons who have died in a car accident. A 15 year old child bathed with the blood of her own parents. It's still clear how they cannot save you. I don't want that to happen to me but I wanted to continue your legacy. With that, I have decided to continue what you have started, but I will be better, mom. I won't ever let anyone close to me feel the same way I do. I will be a surgeon like you, but unlike you I will choose myself.

love, I guess our love is really on fire. But have you noticed how my heart burns out because of our love? Can you take a look at my heart? Because all I can see right now are ashes from our burned-out love.

, rue Looking up into the sky Asking a lot of why’s. I never intend to hurt you like that. I can see your pain because you show it while I hide mine.

I protected you, but you’ll never know. I protected you, in the best possible way I can. I don’t want you to know that I care. Every little thing about you matters to me. I just cannot open up to anyone, feeling reserved I guess. You don’t need to know the things I’ve done for you. Your smile and happiness are enough, so just be you. I know you loathed me for being unfair and mean Hush love, I may not know everything but I know a lot of things. words I kristeneclairelazo photo I @clarkjustinegaliza

You think I don’t care at all. You despise me for not giving you any attention. But have you noticed the way I looked at you? Have you not felt the love I have for you? I am loving you silently, but it’s never enough. We are complete opposites but never attract each other. You’ll never know my pain and it’s okay. That’s the kind of love I have that’s all I can say.

words I ayn photo I @clarkjustinegaliza duwag Gusto kong mawala na lang bigla, Yung tipong walang nakakakita, Hahanapin ba nila ako? Siguro hindi na, ’no? Mas gusto ko pang makita silang masaya na wala ako, Mas masaya siguro kapag hindi nila ako nakilala, Siguro mas okay na lang na ganito, Pagmasdan ang mga ngiti nila, Napatawa na lang ako, Hindi ko naman nais na kaibiganin sila, Nag-iisa lang ako, Lumapit sila sa akin na gusto nila ako,

Wala akong nagawa, Ginusto ko naman na kilalanin sila, Nakukulitan lang kasi ako sa kanila, Kaya naging kaibigan ko sila, Nanghina na lang ako, Nanghihinayang ako sa sarili ko, Hindi ko maiwasan na isipin, Mga ala-ala na lang pala ang mga iyon, Kaya naman mas okay na hindi ako nagpaalam, Ayaw kong pigilan nila ako at pakialaman, Ayokong idamay sila sa aking nararamdaman, Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko ng magpahinga.

note Am I too soft? Or are they really hard? Too soft to understand everything Or are they too hard for striking? Mourning for I was dead inside I was a cadaver trying to hide Hide my sorrow and suffering Behind a happy mask like it’s not dying Everything seems to lose its hue Turning to gray and blue Drowning from the water of thoughts Trying to find the exact note words I mensaherangasul photo I @clarkjustinegaliza

A note that describes this burden A burden behind every smile But everyone was deceived Believing it’s not hard for me Always asking “How about them?” But never ask “How about me?” Can you give me the exact note? To rate if it is a low or high pitch Highest pitch seems to be the hardest And finally that describes it best I’ve been carrying that sacks of note It’s a story that never been told

Everything is fading bl The lights in the desp Becomes more clou I can’t feel me n I’m getting t My cries are drowning o It is going to end just like t I’m breaking do Scattering, disappear Little by little in the d I wish someone help me o

heres to the one Here’s to the ones who were always left behind for being nice. Here’s to the ones who were so kind even if all they got in return were lies. To the ones who were told they’re beautiful but never pursued. Hang in there just a little bit more. What you should do now is to love yourself... just a little bit more. lack pair uded now tired out this own ring dark out words I coleenjuan photo I clarkjustinegaliza

dying inside Pressured, always been For I wanted to be seen Longing for validations From them, I want to hear congratulations Didn’t want to be a disappointment Nor did I want to be an embarrassment It is then, living is no longer for I Forced myself to think I’m happy, to me, I lie Meeting expectations, it is exhausting In front of the mirror, I’m helplessly crying From Almighty God, I exhort To take me with Him, in His fort words I witheredflower photo I @clarkjustinegaliza



Everything is fading bl The lights in the desp Becomes more clou I can’t feel me n I’m getting t My cries are drowning o It is going to end just like t I’m breaking do Scattering, disappear Little by little in the d I wish someone help me o

suffer Suffer, The agony, which is genuinely awful, All other grievances take a back seat to the pleasant sadness. In its purest form, good grief. Is it bothering you how serious it is? Can you sense it? Is it killing your heart to realize how terrible the good grief is? I can’t help but pause and cry out in helplessness. When you think about your mental suffering, do you experience shivers? Is this correct? Is this something you made up? Do you agree? lack pair uded now tired out this own ring dark out words I rousselbulanadi photo I @aaronpaulurmeneta

heart of silk I always try my best to be of help. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’m always here by your side. If you ever get consumed slowly by your problems, I’m always here to lend an ear. I’ve always loved seeing people smile after I’ve lent them a helping hand. I don’t really ask for anything special in return but as long as you’ve accompanied me in my loneliest of times, it’s already enough for me. words I soleofthedeep art I @nostrares

Although, how long will those smiles last once they’ve seen who I truly am? I don’t really like showing my vulnerable side because for me it’s a weakness. But in all honesty bottling up my emotions is very exhausting. I just want to scream and let everything out til I feel at ease. If I’ve been completely drained, I’ll be disappearing for a while til I’ve regained all my strength. After that I’ll be ready to help once again. For someone who wears an icy mask to hide a heart that’s soft as a silk, lies a shear will to remain strong in order to defend those people who are special to me.

adieu Glistening water, Trickles down to a path of oblivion. What has befallen, pieces of glass shattered and lost. Memories, oh so bittersweet, leisurely lash in full display. Tell me mon amour, Do your tears define the pain you convey? Or was it just an excuse for fools to betray? Unwanted sentiments scream to be felt, Only to be held captive by a gut-wrenching angst. As droplets endlessly cascade, Where am I to belong in this ripple of a dreary state?

An aching tide slithers in between the ribs, One cannot truly decipher our twisted fate. You are my bliss of euphoric contentment, Only to be gravitated into a whirlpool of eternal abyss. Assure me mon amour, Will my fingertips veil the galaxies we once nurtured? Or will I drown, on the brink, of this overflowing loathful torture? ’Til death do us part,’ you murmured through those lips. And death, so it shall, conceive a barrier of anguish. For beside your tombstone, I lay aching in torment. Je vous aime, mon amour. Adieu. words I @leynjornacion art I @leynjornacion

eternity Hues that intertwine beyond sunsets, Deepened by intrinsic shadows known to mankind. Hollowed gaps within such thresholds envisaged to reside upon. Darling, you are the kind of void I plea to replenish for a lifetime drought. Aromatic flowers bloom with ease under conditions built with degrees. Darling, the affection you unveil lingers as a lustful drug for my entity to lavish upon. Alas, ruthful disasters crash ashore, Sheared from the chains that kept our quantum at bay. words I @leynjornacion art I @leynjornacion

Twisted and flawed you claim to be. But I envision a masterpiece of exquisite caliber. Carpe diem, mon amour. Worry not of the future. For I am here, present, for you to hold. Your whimsical flames set my soul ablaze. Brown orbs that grasp the universe to devour with no restraint. Your smiles condone my path to succumb to your kingdom, sovereign. Behold the eternity we’ll have that faith will gladly offer! You are my peace, You are my eternity.

Everything is fading bl The lights in the desp Becomes more clou I can’t feel me n I’m getting t My cries are drowning o It is going to end just like t I’m breaking do Scattering, disappear Little by little in the d I wish someone help me o

lavie On the escarpment of time, she sat still in silence. With the winds of her past that tauntingly wisp through her, Engulfed by whispers that trail her. Implanted with morals of her mistakes, Engraved a path of reassurance for her to designate. Acceptance that life embodies the death of chivalry. Upon the view that vividly lay strewn across her, nebulous. Concealing the eyes that seek to see the void of a future, A destiny one is unsure of. Yet a thrill awaits, ready to feast. A treasure trove of oneself, unshackled the wonders made. Of all the experiences to grasp and emotions to behold. For her heart sang as she leaped off the precipice, Emboldened by the parachute of her present, Condoned by footsteps that drag her places. lack pair Of the world she conceived and nourished, uded Vow to clasp her hands gently into the landscapes now and vistas made known. tired out Unveiling the cosmos beneath her orbit. this own ring dark out words I leynjornacion photo I @leynjornacion

Sa Mata ng Kaibigan Sa mata ng isang kaibigan Namangha sa kanilang matibay na pag-iibigan Puno ng masayang kaganapan Maging sa hirap ay hindi nang-iiwan Sa pagpunta namin sa dagat Narinig ang matamis nilang salita na parang awit Subalit sa pagkagat ng dilim Nangyari ang bagay na kay lagim Huling paglubog ng araw na sila ay magkasama Mga halik at yakap na hindi na madarama Sa mata ng isang kaibigan Malungkot na pag-iibigan ang nasaksihan words I carlcandia art I @justinvonlagoc



Everything is fading bl The lights in the desp Becomes more clou I can’t feel me n I’m getting t My cries are drowning o It is going to end just like t I’m breaking do Scattering, disappear Little by little in the d I wish someone help me o

toxic side We live in a world where the expectation is everywhere An expectation that makes everyone live in In other situations, this is what people fit in The feeling that it feels like being a robot trying to meet this standard But what happens when the expectation of eating everyone happens to oneself? I think this is the very toxic side of me. This feeling of setting a standard for myself somehow motivated me But on the other side, it always destroys me a hundred times. Like disappointing oneself is like a crime for me. That when failing those standards to myself felt lack like failing my life. pair uded And it keeps on eating me every time I fail myself It will, at all times, imprison me to the now darkest of the nights. tired And that is what always do. out this own ring dark out words I daphneytabigne art I janrey

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2 Chapter Two: When will I be okay?

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? A happy-go-lucky girl who doesn’t care about anything: this is what my instructors here keep on telling me. “Your voice is too loud, Zeneath,” “Zeneath, I can already hear your voice in the faculty room,” but you know what hurts me the most is the phrase, “Zeneath, stop being too loud. You are like an empty can.” Has it ever crossed their minds that I just let them think that way because I don’t want anyone to know the real situation I am in? I don’t want anyone to know the things I’ve been through. I am now in a different place; why should I still go back to the days that keep on haunting me? I believe that a loud person usually hides something behind their voice. Others say they tend to talk too much, speaking nonsense and such. Little did they know that a few used their loud voices to hide their wise minds. To make everyone believe that they are just a loud nonsensical can. What amazes me is the encouragement I continuously get from my friends. They make me feel that I belong, that I am not an empty can, and that they believe that I can do it. We actually have an exam tomorrow for our major subjects. Rue, Thana, and I decided to stay at my place for the week to study. I haven’t noticed that I fell asleep while Thana is discussing us or me regarding the things I don’t understand. These two have helped me to survive the past semesters. They keep on supporting me whenever I have a hard time, especially with my academics. I am astounded how they want me to be independent in answering activities and quizzes. They don’t tolerate cheating because they believe everything doesn’t just come in a snap. Thana is an achiever. I really cannot say anything about how good she is. She is vocal about what she wants; she likes the limelight around her, which is the exact opposite of Rue. Rue is a silent person yet deadly. She is a silent achiever and never wanted lime lights around her. Both are my friends, yet I admire Rue more than I admire Thana. I guess it’s because I can feel that Rue, just like I am, is hiding many secrets that are meant to be hidden for life. I have noticed a lot of her actions and words. Countless times have I seen Rue looking at Thana every time we have an exam. When Thana seems unconfident with her answers, I can see how Rue changes her answer. I never wanted to assume anything about it, but as days passed, I felt like she was doing it on purpose. Maybe it all started when we accidentally listened to Thana’s conversation with her mother when they discovered that someone got a higher score than her in

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? one of our major exams. That someone is not just anyone, though, it was Rue who got a higher score than Thana. I feel like Rue is stepping down for Thana to be the one on the top. “Zeneath! Aren’t you going to take pictures with your friends?” I immediately looked at my mom when she uttered this. Did I just reminisce while listening to Thana’s speech? Maybe I think too deeply because this might be the last time I will see this too, for I am bound to go home after a week. Should I really go back? “Rue, come, let’s take a photo together,” I call for Rue’s attention as I see her still sitting in her designated seat; maybe she hasn’t noticed that the program has already ended. We took countless photos, and I guess I had most of the photos because I wanted to come back to this memory. I want more pictures with them because I don’t want my life to be full of regrets again. Not long after Thana was called by her parents, my parents also called for my attention because visitors were waiting for us at the party venue. I cheerfully bid goodbye to Rue, and slowly, as I walked with my parents, my emotions shifted drastically. Upon reaching the venue, I saw a lot of familiar faces. I smiled and let my cheerful side welcome them all. They have given their congratulatory messages and gifts. Pretending is exhausting. I cannot wait for this to end for me to go to where I ought to be. When all of the visitors left the venue, I told my mom I was going somewhere. I know that she already knew what I was talking about. She looked at me with anger while my dad looked at me with disappointment. “Zeneath, you are such a dismay. When will you ever learn, huh? Where are you going again? Are you going to the cemetery to visit him? He is already dead!” I looked at my mom with too much pain in my eyes. “Yes, he is already dead, mom! I know that, but aren’t you aware that the moment he died, I died too. I wish I had been dead too because I might have survived, but you made me feel that I am better off dead,” I replied while looking at my mom in the eye. “Don’t you talk back to your mom like that Zeneath! How dare you say those words in front of us, huh? Don’t you know how that night caused too much

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? problem?” Angrily angst by my dad while made laugh hysterically. “I am a problem, huh? I am just a thing that you’ll use, right? Where were you that moment, days, and months after that night? Were you there to ask whether I was doing alright or not? You weren’t there! I fought this battle alone! No one saw my pain, not even you, my own parents,” I didn’t want to argue anymore. I needed to be there, and I needed him to save me again. I started walking away from them with tears falling from my eyes. The horrors of the past start getting into me as I walk into the dark alley away from the venue. I still can’t get out of the past. I am still stuck with the moments that have taken my happiness away. Looking at our driver with tears streaming down my face, he immediately nodded and opened the door for me. He starts the engine and drives the car away. I intently look at the road while my mind is returning to the day I despised the most. I was in grade 11 at that time when I had my first boyfriend. Luke is a one-of-a-kind man who has pursued me for years. He is a perfect example of a boyfriend that every girl deserves. I have fallen deeply in love with him, but love was not just meant for just happiness only, right? It was late at night when I was about to go home. I have already called our driver, but he cannot fetch me because my mom and dad are still in their meeting with an important client. At the same time, the other drivers are on leave. I was forced to walk from my classmates' house because we did a school project. I continuously called Luke's number, but I couldn't seem to reach him. Fear has started to get through me. I never liked dark alleys because they tend to give me eerie feelings. I sighed heavily and started to hum my favorite song. When I was about to pass through this alley, someone grabbed me from the back and covered my nose with a handkerchief making me pass out. The moment I open my eyes, there are three unfamiliar people around me. I can see the desires which make me shiver. I am so afraid. I cannot think clearly. I kept praying to God that this was just a dream, but I cried when I felt a baseball bat strike my stomach several times. Oh God, help me. This is not a dream. The guy with a large build started coming near me and ripped off my clothes effortlessly. I cried so loud, shouting if anyone would hear me, but it felt like no one heard me. No one comes to rescue me.

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? Disappointed, again? What have I done so wrong? I wore decent clothes. I never wear revealing clothes, nor wear something they call \"inviting.\" I have always been a consistently outstanding student since elementary. I have always been a good daughter to them, but why does it feel like what happened to me was my fault? Why can't they just show that they care for me? Do I still need to get down on my knees for them to see that I need their love and care? When the doctor entered the room, all attention was given to him. \"Your daughter experienced shock when she was rushed here. We did everything we could to save her, but I am sorry if we cannot save your son,\" I looked at the doctor confusedly. I cannot understand what he is talking about. \"What do you mean by that doc?\" uttered my mom with anger. \"Your daughter was five months pregnant. Are you not aware of her pregnancy?\" \"Can you please give us a moment, doc? We need to talk to her,\" said my father with full authority. The doctor then leave at an instant then --- “Zeneath, we are here,” I looked at the driver and smiled a little. “You can just go home; I might be staying here for the night.” My heart felt heavy as I finally was able to visit my son again. Walking toward his grave feels like I am dying again. “Zeneath?” I wiped my tears and slowly faced the one who had called me. “Thana? Why are you here?” I replied, but she did not respond at all. She just looks at my face. I am starting to feel awkward, but a loud weeping breaks it off. We looked at each other and went to see this person. I was surprised to see Thana in this place, but what surprised me more was seeing Rue crying loudly. I then realized that we might have been together for years, but we were still clueless about each other’s lives. We looked at Rue intently as she kneeled down at her parents’ grave, reminding me how I grieved for my unborn child. No one can ever express how painful it was to lose someone so dear to you.

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? If I had known that I had someone inside me, I should have been more careful. My son was the greatest gift I have ever received because it made me realize that I will never be able to please anyone. With all the achievements I have in life, with just a single mistake, everything will be shattered into pieces. It was never okay, yet I believe I was meant to learn things the hard way. My mom never appreciated every effort I poured into the things that I do. She failed to see how much I craved her attention, love, and care. She was too hard on me during that moment when I wanted to be weak. I longed for a mother when that happened to me but what she gave me was prejudice and disappointment. She despised me for being pregnant at a young age. They keep on telling me how disappointed they are in me. That they have expected a lot from their daughter, I can’t help thinking if I am their daughter. If I were their child, they would have comforted me. Everyone saw my mistake, but no one has comforted me with the trauma I had undergone during that night. No one has asked me if I was okay because I was never not okay. Yes, there was never penetration, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have nightmares because of that. I cried all night, all day. I am uncertain of the things that I should or should not. No one knows what happened to me except for my family, the people inside our house, and my ex-boyfriend, Luke.

Chapter Two: When will I be okay? Do you know what hurts me the most, though? I found out why Luke could not respond to me that night. The client my parents are meeting was Luke; they threatened him and his father that they would lose everything if we continued this relationship. His family and my family were not on good terms. They have been rivals for years because of business matters. It is sad to think that Luke was too cowardly to fight for us, to fight for me because he chose to leave me while I was grieving our unborn child. What can we do, though? If we are just 17 years old at that time. Rue stands up and wipes her tears, and I realize that besides her parents’ grave was my son’s grave. No one attempts to talk. We just stared at each other with tears falling down our faces. I then realized that for the past years, the reason that I have been able to survive life was not because of my son. It is because of my friends, Rue and Thana. We might not have been so vocal with our thoughts, but we unconsciously give a sense of comfort to each other. Sadly, the Zeneath they know is not the real me. I was never a loud person nor cheerful. I always please the people I love because I am afraid to disappoint them and they’ll leave me alone. I always kept asking when I would be okay, but I never realized that I was the one who won’t let myself be happy and move on. I let guilt submerge into my soul, inhibiting me from being free again. It is so sad how I turned into this kind of person, but everything happens for a reason. This happened to me to meet these two wonderful person. I just wish this time; we would choose ourselves and our happiness without thinking of anyone else.

love, z The raindrops falling on the roof I’m still finding reasons not to be aloof Seeing you happy with someone Shatters my heart into pieces. You complete me, But you end up ruining me. I cannot fathom the feeling inside I am overwhelmed and hurt.