BURN - PANANAW Volume 2

BAGONG UMAGA Alas-diyes ng gabi. Oras na upang mahimbing sa pagkakatulog. Ipinikit mo ang iyong mga mata at hinayaan ang sariling malunod sa katahimikan. Naalimpungatan ka at nang idilat mo ang iyong mga mata ay purong dilim ang nakita at isang maliit na orasang nagsasaad na alas-dose y medya na ng madaling araw. Nakapagtataka’t hindi mo silid ang iyong kinalalagayan kundi mistulang isang silid na ikaw lamang ang laman. Tumingin ka sa kaliwa at may nakita kang isang puting pintong nakaawang at naaninag mo ang kaunting liwanag na nagmumula doon. Tumingin ka sa kanan at may nakita ka namang isang itim na pintong nakasara. Kaliwa o kanan? Puti o itim? Sinisigaw ng iyong isipan. Walang pagdadalawang-isip ay nagpasya kang takbuhin ang maliit na distanya mula sa kinatatayuan mo at ng itim na pinto. Nang makarating ay kaagad mong pinihit ang busol ng pinto at nang magbukas ito ay dumampi sa iyong balat ang malamig na simoy ng hangin kung kaya’t ipinikit mo ang iyong mga mata at mas lalo pang dinama ito. Sa pagmulat ng mga mata ay wala ka na sa lugar na kinalalagyan mo kani- kanina lamang ngunit ikaw ay nasa ospital at ikaw ang pasyente. Tinignan mo ang orasang nakasabit sa dingding at sinasabi nitong ala-una kinse na ng madaling araw. Puro galos ang iyong katawan at hindi mo ito maigalaw kahit na anong pilit mo. Sinubukan mong gumawa ng maliit na tunog ngunit isang kibot ng mga labi at mahinang ungol lamang ang tangi mong nagawa. Sinubukan mong iangat ang iyong sarili ngunit walang kahit anong nangyayari. Sobrang pagkabigo ang naramdaman mo at hindi mo namalayang lumuluha ka na pala. Sinubukan mo ulit na gumalaw at isang malaking sorpresang naigalaw mo ang iyong mga daliri. Tinapik tapik mo ang kutsong iyong kinahihigaan at isang bagay ang iyong nadanggil. Pinakiramdaman mo kung ano ito at nang matantong ito ay isang pindutan, kaagad mo itong pinindot na naglikha ng malakas ngunit matinis na tunog na sobrang sakit sa tainga. At dahil hindi mo matakpan ang iyong tainga, madiin kang pumikit at umasang mawala ang tunog na iyon. Labing limang minuto. Labing limang minuto ang tinagal ng tunog na iyon. Labing limang minuto mo ring tiniis ang pakikinig sa tunog na iyon at labin limang minuto ka ring nakapikit ng madiin. Nang matapos ang labin limang minuto ay kaagad na nawala ang tunog kung kaya’t iminulat mo ang iyong mga mata at napansin mong wala ka na sa ospital. Hindi ka na isang pasyente. Wala na rin ang mga galos sa iyong katawan. Inilibot mo ang iyong paningin at doon mo lang natantong nakaupo ka sa gitna ng isang maliit na kahong gawa sa salamin at walang maski isang pinto o bintana. Tumayo ka at pumunta sa kaliwang bahagi ng silid. Hinaplos mo ng iyong kamay ang dingding. Pumunta ka sa kanang bahagi ng silid at ganoon rin ang ginawa mo. Nang matapos ka ay nagpasya kang libutin ang kahong iyon. Bawat sulok ay kinilatis mo ngunit wala namang 93

mapapansin doon. Umupo ka sa isang sulok at doon nagmukmok. Tumingala ka at tumitig sa itaas. Sa ginawa mo’y may napansin kang isang bagay. Kulay pulang bilog at tila ba napansin nitong tinititigan mo iyon kaya’t naglabas ito ng usok. Huli mo lang napansin na ang usok na ito ay para bang ninanakaw ang abilidad mong huminga. Sa madaling salita, unti-unti ka nitong kinukuhanan ng hangin hanggang sa maubusan ka ng hiniga at mamatay. Mabilis kang tumayo at humarap sa gilid at hinampas ng hinampas ang salamin, umaasang mababasag ito at makalabas ka ng tuluyan. Ngunit hindi ito nangyari. Binalot na ng usok ang apat na sulok ng kahong kinalalagyan mo. Unti-unti ka ng nawawalan ng hininga at wala ka ng ibang magawa kundi ang lumuod at dahan-dahang ipikit ang mga mata hanggang sa dilim na lang ang makita mo. Ring. Ring. Ring. Tatlong kililing ng orasan ang nagtulak sa’yo upang imulat ang iyong mga mata. Tinignan mo ang tumutunog na orasan, inabot ito’t pinatay, at tinignan ang oras. Sampung minuto bago mag alas-sais ng umaga. Bumangon ka mula sa iyong pagkakahiga at dumiretso sa bintana. Hinawi mo ang kurtina at tumama sa iyong mukha ang liwanag na nagmumula sa sikat ng araw. Ngumiti ka’t sinabi sa iyong sarili, “Isa na namang panaginip.” Nagmuni-muni ka ng mga ilang minuto at iyong inisip ang mga pangyayari sa panaginip mo. Una, pinapili ka kung alin sa dalawang pinto ang bubuksan mo? Puti o itim at mas pinili mo ang itim. Nakapagtataka’t ang pinto ay sumisimbolo sa bagong simula, oportunidad, pagbabago, at pag-asa. Ngunit kabaliktaran ang nangyari sa panaginip mo. Nang piliin mo ang itim na pinto ay doon nagsimula ang nakalulungkot na pangyayari sa panaginip mo. Ipinahihiwatig lamang nito na ikaw ay namumuhay pa rin sa nakaraan mo at hindi ka pa malaya mula rito. Ikalawa, ikaw ay nasa ospital, napakaraming galos ng katawan mo at hindi mo ito maigalaw. Ipinapahiwatig lamang nito na ikaw ay nakararamdam ng kahinaan. At ikatlo, nakakulong ka sa isang kristal na kahon na hindi mabasag-basag. Ipinapahiwatig lamang nito na ikaw ay isang indibidwal na mayroong takot kahit sa mga simpleng bagay at ang takot na ito ang siyang kumukulong sa iyo upang hindi gawin ang mga bagay na ninanais mo. Tumitig ka sa kalangitan at ikaw ay nagising mula sa masamang panaginip na iyon. At ang mga bagay na iyong natanto ay nagbigay ng kaliwanagan sa iyo na dapat mo nang pakawalan ang nakaraan mo’t mamuhya sa kasalukuyan, at harapin mo ang bagay na nagdudulot ng kahinaan mo at takot mo sa mga bagay-bagay. Pagkatapos ng iyong pagmumuni-muni ay nagpasya ka ng lumabas ng iyong silid. Mayroong tapang at lakas ng loob, handa ka ng harapin ang bagong umaga ng buhay mo. 94

50-50 The only thing that’s been wished was to paint eyes. A dream that’s buried, a dream that’s long been dry. Like paint that’s left for the wind to devour, Like petals falling from a withered, dead flower. The brush is a sharp weapon and a trusted confidant. A weapon to express and enchant. A friend that helps turn thoughts into reality, Both sorrow and joy to be relived in a cathartic fantasy. Yet nobody can see and feel this longingness. Because instead of a brush, a scalpel must be wielded. That instead of painting eyes to express, The job was to cut one, ensuring no sight, no life has departed. A father for the heart, A mother for the eyes. Both windows for human emotions, great doors for art. Doors that have been shut because being a doctor is the only compromise. To cut, to operate, to suture A life that’s never wanted, never desired A blindfolded and a parental brewed future, That will never be accepted, never be aspired. Although moms and dads share 50-50 of you, Your decisions, your life is 100 percent yours through and through. To depict life or wield it, it’s your fate. A decision nobody else but you should create. The only thing that’s been wished was to see and paint the world. A resurfacing world that’s long been buried and hurled. Like paint that won’t dry, or a flower that won’t die. Only one can be chosen, to paint or save the glass eye. 95



SPIN THE BOTTLE As the empty coke bottle stopped spinning and pointed at my direction, agitation and pressure filled up my thoughts. “Truth or Dare?” My friends chuckle out. Of course I’m settling for truth. My body is too tired to even get up and do their silly dares, I think to myself. “What if you could go back 10 years ago?” a friend of mine, Vince asked as my truth. “What would you change?” He continued. “What if?” I thought. Memories suddenly pulled me back to those times wherein I was a child. Much simpler times. All fun and games; nothing more, nothing less. The times I was only filled with wonder and excitement. When I slowly closed the fridge to catch the lights turn off. When I thought the moon and the clouds were following me and our car through the night. When ice cream and lollipops cured the scratches and scars I got from falling. When my only fear was my own shadow. “What if?” I thought. What if I really could go back to those days wherein everything surrounding me was filled with hope and gleaming with goodness. Wherein I could leave this four cornered room filled with tipsy problematic Generation Z’s and chaotic world we have today. Reality pulled me back. Up until now, I am still a child. But these days are filled with sadness. I’m living in a dor- mitory with no fridge lights to catch turning off. No more amazement while looking at the moon and the clouds. Scars and scratches? They’re nothing. Now, I am still afraid; not of my shadows but of losing them. It’s the only thing left that makes me feel that I am not alone. How much change could 10 years do? I would love to go back but I’d rather face what is. I’d rather go through the chaos. I’d rather speak up and fix our world, somehow. Snap. Two fingers in front of me, creating a sound that chose to broke my silence. I look around. Still, the bottle was pointing at me. Everyone with their droopy eyes staring at me expecting an answer. I opened my mouth. “I changed my mind. Dare.” 97



ATTACHED You were the light during my times of darkness The one beside me during my sleepless nights You held my hand, clothed me with your tepidness It’s plain and boring when you’re out of sight You were there to help me answer the hardest questions Or what part of my sentence did I go wrong The one I share my greatest secrets and possessions The one who plays me the greatest songs During emotional breakdowns On times I’m on defeat You managed to calm me down With wholesome memes that’s utterly sweet You captured me and my genuine laughter Recorded the memories we could look back Morning, noon or anytime after I won’t let a day go without keeping you on track Ain’t it funny that you blinded me with your light I got attached to you, a wireless handheld device Something with no heartbeat, no life Now i’m chained, lost in a fool’s paradise 99



OUT OF FOCUS October 18, 2017. The day of my school’s charity concert. On-duty na naman. Puta. I scan around our field looking for some possible muses that could attract my lens. It was a party after all, there had to be smiling faces out here. I walked around, there were flashing lights everywhere, spreading around different colors through the grassland, giving light to the hiding couples by the corner. Oops. The distinct colors coming from the spotlights gave me various choices of lighting for my shots. I continued to take continuous shots as I wandered around, taking mostly photos of big groups jumping around, shouting, and raving; having the time of their lives. Then here I am, forced to take their portraits. Can’t wait to get home. ---------------------------------- I was looking through my shots, picture after picture, everything was the same. A group of friends staring at each other. Next. Another random couple fighting. Next. Some teachers shouting at students. Next. Wait a minute… I went back to one of my shots and saw it again. Her. Her smile. She was showing most of her teeth, probably shouting out the band’s lyrics. She looked so happy. I could even see her positivity glowing out of her. Damn. She looks like the sun. So warm. So bright. Her happiness was contagious. I closed my laptop. I slept with a smile on my face. I felt warm that night. ---------------------------------- The next day was awarding day. I saw her again. I took another photo. Her smile was the same. Just so bright. She was literally shining --Like a ray of sunshine. An angel from heaven. I took more shots of her. I smile as I view her portraits on my camera, it was almost as if we gave each other smiles from a distance. But only I knew what was up. So we traded more and more smiles. She had this different aura around her. It was like I was getting pulled to her. I shook it off then went on and took some shots of the hosts, awardees, and some of my batchmates. This went on for multiple events even after, sports games, charity balls, fundraisers, and so on. Her vibe was just so pure. She looked like she couldn’t do anything wrong. An angel. made to be perfect. 101

Until one day, our paths didn’t cross. It took a while to accept that my favorite subject just wasn’t there, every photo seemed dull, grainy, dark. I didn’t like every shot I took. It was our pep rally and I looked for her. She poured out all of the joy I needed just for one single shot, she was the dose of dopamine I needed. I was kind of hoping she’d be here to liven up my photo. Sad. As I left our gym after the pep rally, a table was outside, it had familiar faces and they were giving out flyers and bracelets. I was curious, so I approached them. One of the girls was crying and another was comforting her. I took a peek at the table were they had the flyers and bracelets. They all had “Justice for Lisa” plastered all over. But what really struck me was the photo they used for their flyers, It was mine. And Lisa, she was my angel. I guess I never really knew her aside from the millisecond inside the photos I took of her. Her friends told us her story, on how she decided to end her life because she was too pressured from all the cyberbullying she got. That they knew she was going through something yet they still didn’t do anything to stop her from what she did. They told us Lisa has been that for months, even years now. Struggling, and hurting. I wouldn’t have known. She seemed so happy. She looked so cheerful, so full of joy even. I never noticed or even thought of how she was feeling all the time, not just in my photos. I guess people never do pose or post about the sad times. They focus on the times when they’re happy. And I just coincidentally took the photos of hers. But then again, I only did just take her portraits, and never saw the bigger picture. I guess everything I took was all out of focus. 102

KUNG SAAN NAG SIMULA AY DOON DIN BABALIK Hindi ba’t nakapagtataka na saka lamang nabubuhay ang makata sa persona ng tao matapos gahasain ng lungkot ang mga paru-parong nabubuhay sa kaniyang dibdib? Na kung kailan tapos na ang pagsalakay ng bagyong walang ulan, saka tayo matututong bumoses --saka natin matutuklasan ang perpektong pagkakabalangkas ng ating saloobin, Kung kailan huli na ang lahat? Mahalaga rin ang kapabayaan. Ang pagkaligta ang minsa’y sasagip sayo sa sarili mong pagpapahamak Sapagkat may mga anyo ang galit na hindi mapapayapa ng anumang patawad at tanging panahon lang ang pagkakataon upang maitama muli ang mali. Susubukan ka niyang kumbinsihin na ika’y sawingpalad Na isinilang ka upang maging disgrasya na hindi na hihigit pa sa isang pagkakamali, na nilinang ka sa hindi hustong abo ng taga-likha, at hinugis ng kutsilyong pagkakapurol-purol. Papaniwalain ka niyang hindi ka mahalaga kaya isinilang ka lamang sa lamang mahina upang paulit-ulit na magkapilas-pilas Kaya wala ka nang mas malalim pang silbi sa pagpapasakit at pananakit. Walang paraan ng pagtanggi ang magpapasuko sa kaniya, ngunit huwag kang makikinig. Sa pagkakataong ito, hindi mo siya kailangang pakinggan. Hindi mo muna siya kailangan. Huwag mong hayaang sumibol ang tinanim niyang sama ng loob Sa halip, dinggin mo ang mga nakaligtaang pag-ibig Ng iyong pamilya kaibigan angkan Bumalik ka sa kung saan ka natutong magmahal at sila ang bubura ng sarili mong pagkamuhi. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. 103



WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE... Tonton Hernandezwas onlysixyearsyoungwhen he learned of jobs and occupations in kinder. He and his classmates sat in rows on a green carpet (that he clandestinely peed on once) as Teacher Grace stuck printed clip arts of different persons on the board. All people seemed familiar to Tonton. One who wore a clean pair of blouse and skirt and a white head cap seemed like someone he saw in the hospital last week, while the man wearing a navy blue cap with an emblem caused feelings of uneasiness and fright for Tonton. Further into the discussion, Teacher Grace asked a question that lead to several pupils ecstatic. “I want to be a dentist!” answered Emily. Yeah, so she can fix her crooked teeth, Tonton thought. “Soldier! I’m going to kill our enemies,” exclaimed Robert as he raised a fist in the air. Tonton felt the chills when he heard that. That classmate of his was aggressive and was often sent to the office for misbehavior. Anyway, Tonton’s attention remained at the board; his eyes intently judging each picture as if his desires didn’t match with the given eight professions. “How about you, Tonton? What do you want to be when you grow up?” “I want to be a mother.” Leonora Hernandez was a single mother who jumbled jobs day and night in order to provide for her family and Tonton wanted to be exactly like her. Oblivious, Tonton wondered why his classmates laughed at his answer. Did they want to become a mother too? 105



BETTER I’ve got this friend. We haven’t been friends for that long, but he’s already one of the people I cherish the most. New Year’s Day recently passed and we were talking about what kind of resolutions we planned to keep. I pride myself in knowing my friend very well. I can tell you his favorite artist, his favored NBA team, even how long it takes for him to get ready in the morning (hint: too long). Which is why you’ll understand how shocked I was when he told me his New Year’s resolution, because it was one I did not expect. “I want to be better.” Better? How could he be better? He’s already great at everything! Was the thought that entered my head, mostly because it was true. He was a talented performer, he got good grades, he was a wonderful son to his parents, and he’s great at connecting with the people around him. What other aspect of his life could he possibly be better at? Anybody in his shoes would be bursting with joy and confidence! Weeks passed, and slowly, I figured out how wrong I was. Not about the things I just said about him. No, those are definitely true. I was wrong about how I assumed that someone in his position would automatically be happy with their self. He’s been struggling, I realized. He does what’s asked of him, and in the end, he does it well. But, not without fault. And these faults, no matter how minor, are slowly breaking him. I have a theory about why he’s been struggling. You see, the thing about being “great” at almost everything is that people already expect you to succeed. As time goes on, they don’t make a big deal out of your achievements anymore because they already predicted the outcomes of your efforts. The moment you reach your goal, they smile, say a quick “Congratulations!” and then move on. However, once you fail, suddenly all eyes are on you. And nobody shuts up about it. He’s been setting bigger goals for himself this year, and I have no doubt he’ll do whatever he can to get to where he wants to be. 107

I’m proud of him. I’m also scared for him. I fear what he’ll have to go through, what he’ll have to lose and endure for God knows how long. He’s the kind of person that literally never gives up, sometimes it’s actually kind of annoying how determined he is. Say he reaches the top, now what about the possibility that he’s lost himself at the bottom? To whoever is reading this, I want you to know that striving for your goals is a necessity, but don’t let the trials and hardships pull you away from who you truly are and from the things and the people that remind you of what it truly means to be alive. And to my friend who’s been experiencing some of his darkest days, I don’t think I’ve told you this, but I’m most proud of you for having a kind heart and for chasing after what truly makes you happy, regardless of what other people think. Keep going. You’ll get there. 108

TILAMSIK NG PAG-ASA Sa dilim ng gabi’y nawalan ng buhay. tahimik, malamig, malungkot, malabo. Malabong makaaabot ng tagumpay, sa dilim ng gabing nawalan ng buhay. Sa dilim ng gabi’y ikaw ay sumilay, iisa, maliit at napakalayo. Walang silbing liwanag ang nanalaytay, sa dilim ng gabing nawalan ng buhay. Sa dilim ng gabi’y ikaw ay doon tumira, patuloy ang pagkinang sa kalawakan. Ika’y nagbigay ng mumunting pag-asa, sa dilim ng gabing nawalan ng buhay. Malabong makaaabot ng tagumpay, mga hadlang tulad ng taglay na kulay, ang isang dahilan. Dahil sa’yo liwanag, ang negatibo, ang dilim na negatibo, ay nagbago. Tahimik at malamig pa rin ang dilim, pero makikita at madadama mo ang unting pagkatamo ng kaunlaran pag-unlad na tungo sa kanyang tagumpay. Ang iyong liwanag ang siyang nanghatak. Ang karimla’y dahan-dahang narebisa. Ang liwanag sa dilim, s’yang gabay rin. Sa dilim ng gabi’y nagkaro’n ng buhay. 109



MONSTER UNDER MY BED Monster, monster, What are you doing under my bed? It’s time to sleep now, Mr. Sleepyhead. Monster, monster, What are you doing inside my head? Thousands of voices are speaking, And I don’t think they’ll come to an end. Monster, monster, Can I please take a break? I can’t seem to breathe; My heart is experiencing indescribable ache. Monster, monster, Why am I always alone? I’m getting tired of this; Can I just be unknown? Monster, monster, A year has gone by; I can finally breathe Without fighting the urge to cry. Monster, monster, Now that you’re gradually setting me free, I hope you won’t visit others. Even my worst enemies. Monster, monster, Please don’t ever go back under my bed Nor visit the voids inside my head, For you are now just a withered creature that has come to an end. 111



WHITE ROOM A man woke up, soaked in cold sweat, his hands intensely shaking as if he just had his worst nightmare. His frail body could feel the coldness from the ground that seeped into every fiber of his being. He had no idea of where he was, what his name was, or what he looked like. His face was painted with absolute confusion and every second that passed by was greeted with random questions that kept shaking his mind. The poor man observed his surroundings. Blank. It was purely white. There were no people. Just him. At that moment, he only wanted to lay down and cry. His knees were badly shaking to the point that he sunk to the ground. He heard nothing but still covered his ears with his hands, the silence slowly eating him alive. It was then that he heard static noise near him, similar to that of a microphone being tested. In panic, he searched for the source of the noise, hoping that he would be able to see someone or something that could help him. No one. Nothing. “Hello, Juan.” The man flinched. The voice he heard belonged to a woman. It didn’t sound famil- iar but it was commanding enough for him to stop and listen to her next words. “You are probably in a state of confusion right now—” “Where am I? Why am I here? What have you done to me?” Juan interrupted. His voice broke with every question, overwhelmed by the battling emotions within him. “Calm down, dear. You know I can’t answer them all at once.” The woman’s voice annoyed Juan but his cravings for information about him were increasing. The ground a few inches from the man shifted. A long table that contained one red pill started to ascend. Juan only became more confused. “That red pill will help you know more about yourself, Juan. Now, I cannot guaran- tee you that taking it would be painless but I assure you that it will answer all your ques- tions. Are you willing to take the risk?” “Why am I forced to make a choice when I just randomly ended up here? And how am I supposed to know that I could trust you?” Juan’s voice echoed across the room. 113

“If you do not take the pill, you will forever be in this place. I don’t think you wouldn’t like that.” The man gulped. Juan looked back at the red pill. He wasn’t sure whether it will fully help him but he did believe that taking such risks would be better than be permanently locked up in this white prison. His hands reached for the pill and instantly swallowed it. For the first five seconds, he felt no pain. After that, his head started spinning, making his vision extremely blurry. His body experienced an uncomfortable sensation as he struggled in positioning himself up. As he opened his eyes, Juan was no longer in the white room. He was in an office room. This time, there were people. As he observed further, he realized that he was in the office of a school principal. The principal who was sitting behind his desk was wearing an indescribable expression. He was nodding at the student who was sitting next to his parents. The boy seemed to be roughly around sixteen. He was pointing at the high-school girl sit- ting across from him. She was next to her mother whose arms were crossed, in an attempt to intimidate the other student. The girl’s eyebrows were furrowed as the boy explained something. However, Juan noticed that the people in the room did not pay attention to him, making him realize that he was invisible and was only an observer of what was happening. The muffled noises coming from their discussion slowly transitioned into clear voices. “When girls wear revealing clothes, it’s normal for men to react that way. Don’t women wear such clothes to attract the attention of people?” The boy said. It was obvious that the girl was trying her best not to punch the life out of him. She calmed herself first before explaining her side. “You see, Josh…Women are not sexual objects. We’re not born just to satisfy men and it’s very trashy of you to think like that—” The girl explained but was interrupted by the principal. “I do believe that using vulgar words is not appropriate for ladies like you, Ms. 114

Cruz,” the principal said with a stern voice. His voice was actually familiar to Juan, so recog- nizable despite his memory loss. The girl’s mom shifted in her seat. “Sir Mendoza, the problem here is not the use of such language but—” she said. “Yes, you’re correct. That is not the problem. The problem here is the fact that your daughter wore clothes that are against the dress conduct being followed here in this school.” “But Sir! My daughter was disrespected by this young man.” She points at the boy who was intently glaring at her daughter. “He catcalled her and made her extremely uncom- fortable. Isn’t that enough of a reason to punish him? If he is not given proper sanction and discipline, other girls will be given the same treatment merely because of the ignorance that men possess to this day. Any misogynistic act must never be tolerated, Sir Mendoza.” The boy’s father muttered under his breath, “For someone who doesn’t teach her daughter how to dress properly, you talk about discipline a lot.” The girl’s mother glared at the old man and stood up. The principal stopped her from whatever she was about to do, “Please sit down.” She rolled her eyes and slowly sat down, her gaze still on the old man. “This matter should be taken care of in the most proper and righteous manner. With this in mind, I have finally made a decision.” Juan’s vision suddenly got blurry, his ears suddenly muffled. He felt like the world he was in was experiencing violent earthquakes. He fell down to the ground in which the shock he felt wiped out his entire vision. The man opened his eyes and was now back at the white room. Nothing changed. The table was still there but this time, there was a mirror lying on top of it. The pill didn’t give the answers he was looking for. In fact, he became more confused and bewildered. He 115

thought that seeing himself would bring back all his memories. He took a deep breath as he made a step closer towards the mirror. His shaking hand reached for it. His eyes grew big out of shock as he saw a man in his 40s staring back at him. It wasn’t the wrinkled skin nor the mole near his nose that surprised him. It was the famil- iar face which he despised. He accidentally dropped the mirror and watched his reflection break into pieces as it touched the ground. As he took a step back from horror, a tear rolled down his wrinkled cheek. “Why him…..” Juan whispered. “Why did it have to be him?” The man fell and broke down. He just wanted the ground he was lying on to swallow him alive. “How are you feeling….” The voice of the woman from back then echoed across the cold room. “Mr. Mendoza?” Juan’s face was wet from crying. He wiped it with his calloused hands but the flow of tears only intensified. “Are you toying with me? Are you enjoying this?” he shouted. There was a long pause. Well, the sign of an old misogynistic man suffering alone is indeed lovely.” That isn’t me. I’m not him!” 3The table descended into the ground. “You see, Mr. Mendoza…because of you, a young lady had to carry the pain all by herself merely because she’s a woman. After your so-called ‘careful decision’, she had to face malicious comments from her peers, her relatives…from all the people around her. Her mother suffered so much just to defend her own daughter. But no one listened. All because of your pathetic and ignorant self. And that Josh kid? It was as if nothing happened. You 116

made him look like he was the victim.” “Stop…Please…” The table from before rose up with two pills on top of it. One blue pill and one red pill. “There are two pills on top of the table. The blue pill is the Wipeout Pill. Just like its name, it will wipe out all your memories. Every single one of it. But you get to start a new life. From the very beginning, that is.” Juan’s breathings got heavier. “The red pill, on the other hand, is the Chance Pill. You get to retain your mem- ories but the moment you take this, you’ll be brought back to the moment before all these happened. With that, you have to face and carry the consequences you deserve for being an ignorant.” “Which will you take, Mr. Mendoza?” The woman’s voice became stronger. The question echoed in Juan’s mind. The man reminisced the sufferings he went through the moment he first opened his eyes in the white room. His memory loss did not lessen the pain his consciousness was facing. It was almost death for him. He then remembered what he saw in his office…the way the girl was treated. At that time, he felt nothing but anger towards the principal…towards himself…for not standing for what was right. As he stared at the two unmoved pills on top of the table, his heart started racing. Juan stood up and went towards the table. He took the red pill. 117



MAYBE NOT ALL FIRES BURN Red Blood Heat Dead My life has been destroyed with a savagery, a monster who toyed with fate and faith of humanity. Pillars prayed not to fall prey to its thirst to see ash to see us fail but as to no avail still failed at pray. I burned along with these prayers damn along with everything else damned Orange Hugs Smiles Strange. Is this flame? My life has been destroyed toyed but now still and rebuilt The same evil that burned me to the ground is the same good that let me stand my ground Maybe not all fires burn and maybe that’s okay. 119

Look at yourself. I almost didn’t recognize you there, friend. Welcome back to Planet Earth! It has been long and grueling for you.. But here you are. You made it. You finally decided to come out of that bubble of yours that holds both the fantastical dreams that dis- torted your concept of reality and the cold-blooded demons that chipped away at your very being in maniacal laughter.

Endeavor an eight-letter feast to refine



SA WAKAS Isa ang araw na ito sa mga araw na nakakapagod ang lahat. Sino ba naman ang hindi mapapagod kung pasan mo ang mga ekspektasyong hanggang ngayon ay iyong pilit binubuo matapos mo itong mawasak? Mabigat. Mabigat ang aking mga dalahin, mabigat ang aking katawan. Tumawag ang aking nanay, tinanong kung kamusta na ako. “Ayos lang po, Ma, kaso po di ako makakauwi ngayong Biyernes. Baka sa isang linggo na lamang,” wika ko sa kanya. Ito ang mga oras na pilit itinutulak ng aking dila ang mga kasinungalingan sa pagitan ng aking mga ngiping nagngangalit. Mabigat. Mabigat ang aking mga salita tuwing naririnig kong lumalabas sila sa akin. Ayaw ko lang mag-alala sila’t madismaya. Sino nga ba ang matutuwa sa anak na pawang nag-aaksaya lamang ng pera sa pagpasok? Hindi ako. Mabigat ang lahat ngunit walang mas bibigat pa sa aking mga mata. Ang mga matang ito ay may dalang bagaheng kulay itim na walang laman kundi ang mga gabing hin- di ako makatulog. Mabigat. Mabigat ang pagiging malungkot at ang pagkukunwaring hindi. Isa ang araw na ito sa mga araw na gusto ko na lamang patayin ang kung ano mang nasa loob ko, mga araw na gusto kong ipahinga ang aking mga paa. Tumingin ako sa salamin at nakita ko ang isang bagay na ako lang dapat ang makakikita. Pagod. Pagod na ako, pagod na pagod. Lahat ng kaguluhan sa isip ko ay agad na tumigil. Lahat ng ingay ay nawala at tumibok ang aking tagapagpadaloy ng dugo. Iba na ang namamahala. Ang pagpapahinga, sabi ng iba ay isang talento. Talento dahil kakaunti lamang daw ang kayang gumawa nito. Ang hindi nila alam ay hindi ito talento. Ito ay kailangan. Maaaring hindi pa lamang nila alam na kailangan nila nito sapagkat matagal na nang huli silang napatingin sa salamin. Minsan mababago ang lahat ng isang tingin sa sarili. Kahit alam nating hindi tayo karapat-dapat sa katiting na pikit-matang ito, kunin pa rin natin ang pagkakataon. Ang lahat ng laban ay ituloy sa susunod na pagbangon. Binabati ko tayong lahat, makatutulog na rin, sa wakas. 123



NOTES TO SELF I offer my sincerest gratitude to you, you look like you’ve done it. Survived. Conquered. Lived. It seems like ages ago, when you convinced yourself that merely passing is already a huge accomplishment in itself. While that may be true, guess what, you passed it all! All you have to do is do it again. Now I know you’re tired, but everyone else is too. You’re never alone. Cliche, but true. Now you could either improve, or give up. I know what you’re thinking - how exactly can one improve, if giving up is always the easiest option? There might actually be some ways on how to accomplish said aim, as follows: • Always set a goal. It would remind you of what you need to accomplish and why this is such. • Get enough rest. Although at times it may seem like one whole day isn’t even enough to accomplish all the tasks you need to, the price of not sleeping at all is long-term. There’s such a thing as time management, and one way or another, you could still catch the zzz’s without the fear of not passing requirements on time. • Keep track of what needs to be done. Without actually listening to teachers and remembering all that they asked you to do, you’d have to rely on your classmates and on whatever you believe they heard. Although technology makes it pretty convenient to sit back, relax, and simply try not to sleep in class (for you believe that afterwards you’re good to go), you’d still trust yourself more than others, especially when it comes to certain things which have the risk of being sabotaged. • Try your best to hone that certain skill you aim to, never until you’re tired but until you get it right. It’s never too late to learn new things, no matter how small these may be, but once you start, it’s almost always too late to stop now. You’ve made it this far, who knows what you could achieve once you continue further? These seem like simple things to follow, but unfortunately, all have been proven to be huge challenges, meaning they were hard to follow – but not impossible. Remember, nothing good comes easy, and hardships don’t last forever. No one is bound to fail, but one can choose to. I only hope you choose the opposite. 125



ESCAPE FROM THE DARKNESS As darkness embraces our fragile bodies, We dwell into a void of nothingness; The empty space leaves us afloat, Gradually devouring our consciousness. The musty air thickens and strengthens, Threatening us as we breathe; Our voice heavily demands to be freed, But only a whip of pain was released. In the far edge of this miserable void, A glimpse of light called for attention; So gentle and delicate, No one dared to touch its beauty. Its twinkle gave out a faint glow. Magnificent enough to defeat this suffocating void. The air eventually cleared itself, Losing its grip on our throats. Our breaths eventually turned into voices, Giving a tight feeling of relief in our chests. The void that we were once drowning in Eventually transformed into a pool of light. We stared at our wavering reflection; It was as if we were looking at different people, People who we do not recognize, Whose glow is enough to blind our eyes. Just like a plant that blooms with nourishment, We, ourselves, have grown out of love and self-realizations; The people in our reflections were not broken nor miserable; Rather, they were gleaming with beauty that was unfathomable. 127



TURTLE New things often build up the excitement within the hearts of some people. For them, stepping into a new world fuels them to widen their views on the constantly changing world they live in. Unfortunately, a second year college student named Jojo wasn’t part of them. He hated and feared new things that go astray from his usual lifestyle. He despised the fact that he has to move his two feet just to be able to satisfy the people around him. New year, new school, new friends, new semester. Just thinking about all these makes his knees go weak. Jojo was playing with the locket from his neck when his bus arrived. People from different ages started scrambling and rushed towards it, some holding their huge bags, some making sure their child won’t get lost. As usual, he sat next to the window, his favorite seat. He held on to his locket for a while until the bus left the terminal and headed towards its destination. His frail hands skimmed through the golden surface, feeling the warmth of what’s inside it. He opened it and, for the first time that day, smiled as his eyes settled on the tiny picture of him and his family. The picture was taken a long time ago, but it still gave off the same comfort when Jojo first got it. The previous day, Jojo cried in front of his parents for the first time. It was the 2nd of January and his family made him an enormous feast as he slept. The moment he stepped out of his bedroom, his eyes witnessed a glorious surprise as the whole house was filled with balloons, his parents and two younger sisters wearing party hats. At that time, he was the only person who didn’t know that it was his birthday. His realizations struck him and made him crouch down on the floor, sobbing endless tears. Knowing that Jojo was not a big fan of displaying emotions in public even with his family, they all just stared at him, startled by what had happened. He did not cry that day because of joy, nor the mere fact that he forgot his own birthday. It was because he didn’t want to leave the house. He didn’t want to leave the floor that he was sitting on. He didn’t want to let go of that very special day and head towards a new day and meet new faces. He didn’t want yesterday to vanish so that he wouldn’t have to live and say goodbye for the nth time to his family. As he sobbed, Jojo recollected his peculiar dream of wanting to be a turtle, with the reason that he has his own house to come home to when things go wrong and that he could see life in a slow pace, much slower than the traffic jam in the streets of Manila. Jojo closed the locket and rested his head against the window. The young probinsyano was tired of going back and forth from his hometown to Manila and vice versa; but he realized that he was much faster than a turtle and that by the time he finally he gets his diploma, he could finally savor in the comforting smell of his house, the amazing food his mom cooks, and of course, the love of his family which he’s been craving for for a very long time ever since he started college. As his bus squirmed through the smoky streets, he braced himself once again as he faced his biggest fear. 129



ANG ANATOMIYA NG TADHANA Sa dinami-rami ng saan at sino, ng sagot sa paano, ang mga nasirang plano ba’y planadong plano ang anatomiya ng tadhana saan: dito sino: tayo paano: oo nga’t paano, sadyang ganito dito, tayo, narito tayo. 131

TOMORROW Tomorrow, to Daisy, is just a copy paste of what occurred today. The transition from today to tomorrow is just an endless cycle of repetition, something she’s tired of. Changes happen, yes; but they’re too tiny to notice, almost invisible enough to let go of their ability to break the cycle. Despite this, Daisy just goes with the flow, in case something bad happens with her attempts to go astray from her average way of living. As she observes the people around her — people who have interests that ignite the excitement within them, people who get to enjoy life with the careers they have, people who work extremely hard 24/7 to secure a stable future — her envy increases every time her day comes to an end. As her day approaches the path leading to what people call “tomorrow”, people living under the same roof approach and snuggle her with the most nurturing love and care they could give. Whenever this happens, Daisy lets go of her own thoughts and embraces the comfort she’s receiving. She could sense the stress and tiredness from the people who give her the warmest hugs go away little by little. Unlike some, Daisy’s days are repetitive, with no spark of freshness and such; however, there is never a day where she feels abandoned or alone. As the only dog of a loving family that always remembers and acknowledges her presence, watching these very important people, who feed and take care of her in the best way they could, grow into refined individuals is enough for her to live throughout the remaining days and to witness what lies ahead of them. 132

THE BOY WHO KNEW NOTHING One day, there lived a boy who knew nothing Everyone knew that he’s a man who doesn’t know even a single thing A day came when he decided to go to school There, he studied and made his learnings as his mind’s fuel Years passed by, he isn’t a boy anymore He turned into a fine man who is adored by all A boy known for being a fool? Nah, he is a fool no more From a young boy to a fine man, From a fool to a man of wisdom. His achievement became everyone’s inspiration, He is renowned as the “mine of information”, Today, this man has become the hope of the nation. 133



A PEEK AT LEAH’S LIFE A deleted scene from the script of “Toodles!” EXT. PILAR TERMINAL. DAY A man is running under the rain. He steps in a deep puddle. Shit. A loud curse escapes his mouth. He finally enters the bus terminal. INT. PILAR TERMINAL. DAY - CONTINUOUS He slows down his pace when nearing a booth. Leah happens to be seated inside the booth. LEAH Good afternoon. Your destination, sir? Sta. Cruz. MAN LEAH The next bus leaves in thirty minutes. Ticket for only one passenger, sir? The man nods and pulls out crumpled bills from his back pocket. He flattens them on the surface. At the same time, trickles of water from his arms wet the table. Leah takes the payment and gives his change. The man takes them. Have a safe trip, sir! LEAH Man picks up the coins, leaves the booth, and proceeds to his bus. Leah finds an old receipt in the drawer and uses it to dry the table. No more customer. In fact, that man earlier was the 6th one since her shift started. In time lapse, we watch a clock’s short hand turn 360 degrees twice. The sky through the window also dims along. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon. Half an hour more until Leah can go home. 135



The LPoovwevesor foPf oLwoveer The Us, humans, are catalysts of all things human, human and can be humans. We long for control for knowledge for intellect of why this muscle beats and has not already left. “Another morning to conquer.” The love of power. Isn’t it tiring? To work in spring when everything beautiful is blooming? Us humans are catalysts of all things human warmth and a heart We ache to absorb to learn to know the mystery that our heart beats for relentlessly. “Good morning, love.” The power of love, the power to love where everything is free is light unstrained and at the skies above. May we feel powerful yet tranquil, not powerful but kills. 137



WHAT A WOMAN CAN DO We are girls who know the power we hold. We do not let society’s precautions get in our way. For centuries our achievements have been told, Our greatness grows day by day. We work as hard as any man in this planet, Which means we can wear whatever the hell we want. Doesn’t matter if we wear crop-tops or a jacket, The amount of skin we show should never be relevant. A lady is more than just her pretty face, More than just the diamonds and layers of lace. We are strong, confident, and capable of many things. Our futures don’t always have to include weddings. We will face judgments that are beyond our control, But these do not stop us from reaching our goal. “Timid and weak. Home is where you belong.” Nothing tastes as sweet as proving them wrong. Girls can be leaders, scientists, and engineers, We can surpass whatever it is you expect. Even with struggles, hardships and tears, We’ll prove that we’re equal to men in every aspect. For women, our time has only begun. We don’t care about all these nonsense and shit. We make sure to get things done, And we look damn good doing it. 139



GROWTH “Try and try until you succeed,” they used to say. That’s all she did, but right now, she’s just tired. All she did was try, but what was the use? It always hits her back. She tried Removing all immorality, but she craved it. A catch, although it would be worth it. What now of Insolence? There’s so much more than that. She pushes on. What is there to lose? Her dignity? Her pride? That was long gone. This is a journey of redemption, keep that in mind. She has to Understand that there is a lot at stake. It might take some time, but progress will be made. For More is in store for the likes of everyone - young and old. There is always room for improvement, even in the most hopeless of cases. She knows that among the seven billion People in this planet, her life probably isn’t the most miserable. But this is hers, this is what she’s stuck with. Can you blame her? Her whole existence revolves around this never-ending game. Honestly, she’s sick of it. But then again, she treads on. It just so happened that there’s so much to take in, and the rest of her world is so little. The aspects of hardwork and determination is all she has to Accept, and everything else will follow. She is not a hopeless case. She will rise. A state of Normalcy will wash over her, and she will see a sky so blue, it matches the color of his eyes. She will hear the calm of the breeze, like the sound of his voice among the trees. She will feel the warmth of the sun, as if it were his touch, comforting and all-consuming, because Truthfully, she’s been through it all alone for quite some time now. What’s done is done. She will stand again. 141