BURN - PANANAW Volume 2

PRIDE I asked a few people how they would describe the word “pride.” A boy I knew told me that pride was like a secret weapon. He talked about pride like a hero talking about their superpower. “Having pride in yourself gives you the reassurance you need in life. If you have pride, you’re basically invincible. It serves as your reminder, That nothing and nobody can stand in your way.” Someone told me that pride was a monster. The kind of monster you see in nightmares, “It wakes you up in the middle of the night, sweating and out of breath. It creeps up on you, blinds you, Sinks its claws into your skin until it’s all you can focus on. You get corrupted by its evil nature, And you get so high from the feeling there’s no possible way you could come back down.” “Pride gave me a reason to continue on,” a girl from my class shared. She said that having a lack of pride became her downfall. She allowed people to treat her like dirt, She allowed others to look down upon her, All because she didn’t have pride in herself. “I understand my worth now, And pride is the shield that keeps that feeling of self-satisfaction safe.” Another person said that pride was like an illness. “Pride’s a disease you don’t want to catch. Its side effects include: Never accepting defeat, Refusing to back down when you are clearly in the wrong, And possible vomiting of words you don’t actually mean.” A friend of mine simply told me that pride was dangerous. “It ruins relationships, you know? It’s like poison. The satisfaction it provides is a form of toxin in disguise.” I asked my mom which among the responses I got was the one I should believe. She gave me her own explanation. “Pride is all these things and more. It can be a superpower, A monster, A shield, An illness, And even poison. It is what you decide to use it as. Pride is merely a tool given to humans, The determinant of whether it’s good or bad depends solely on us.” 43



2:34 a.m. You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You both like abandonment. Stranger: Asl? You: asl? You: Lawrence. 17. You? Stranger: Diane. 17. You: Tell me something about you. Stranger: I love sad songs. I love to care for sad things, for people drowning on the loneliness. I sometimes think of myself as a life support, the smile they give despite what they are going through are just.. You: Priceless? Like no other thing can buy that sudden release of dopa- mine? Does it make you feel special? Stranger: What does? You: The way you can cheer people up. The way you can make them feel that they are not alone? I mean, anybody can tell someone that they’re not alone. But to make someone feel that way is beyond the reach of words, beyond the bounds of comfort. Stranger: Are you one of them? The people who need comfort? Do you want a dose too? :) You: Must be nice. Come on. Try me. Let’s see how well you do against my anti-depressants. Stranger: Medication? Have you heard of placebo? The way the body reacts to medication or intervention exactly as how the way the mind expects it to work? It works this way: you have to believe that I can cheer you up so I can cheer you up. You: Is that even true? What’s your basis on this? Is the source reliable? Stranger: I see. You’re a person of proof. I’m guessing you’re one of the hard ones to convince. You: I am… hard to deal with. :c Stranger: Don’t worry. Let’s talk things out for now. Stranger: You? Introduce yourself. What creatures do you love? Whose bastard are you? 45

--- Stranger has disconnected from chat --- You: May I tell you a secret I have never told anyone about? You: Promise me you won’t call me a douchebag. You: You do? You: You swear? Okay. Here it goes. You: You know how people wear earphones and blast music off to ignore the world? Well, I wear earpods without music on. I know what you’re thinking. Nooo. The apple brand is not for show. No. You: Oh what do I do? I pretend that I’m talking to someone- that I have someone to talk to. Yes. I speak, I talk to myself out loud. It’s fine, no, I’m not crazy. But I’d rather be called crazy than be reminded of how alone I am. You: I live by two principles. Sleep when the loneliness becomes unbearable and live by the method of patterns, sequences. Build a lifestyle of plans so you can figure yourself out. You: I also love my tragedy averted- I believe that tragedy will always catch up to us. No matter how much we run, no matter how far we are from it. I don’t give a fuck anymore. You: I wake at the sight of the sleeping sun, unable to sleep at night. Yes. I’m nocturnal. Or am I just too lonely? I don’t know. You decide. :) Yeah, my parents are against it. They say that the sleep you get at night is different from the sleep you get on the noon. You: Well. I’m just as fucked up as my body clock. But I casually ignore them when they catch me awake at night. Fake it till you make it, kid. It has always been that way. You: The secret? Earpods. You: No. no. I don’t blast off my music In hopes that the melody drowns their redundant nonsense. Bleh bleh. You have anemia. Bleh bleh. You easily forget things. Bleh bleh. Every hour of sleep you don’t take is a subtraction to your lifes- pan. Bleh bleh. That I only have 17 years to live until low blood kills me. Bleh bleh. - - - I speak loudly. It always works. They’ll think that I’m talking to someone and they leave soon enough after. That’s what everybody does, just give them some time and they give up. You: They think that I’m talking to someone, and that’s already enough for me to believe that I am. But the truth is, I loathe everything about this existence and I love nothing but my mother. She’s all I really care for. At the end of the day, she’s 46

the only one holding me back from letting go. I hate what she hates. I love what she loves. No matter what happens, I don’t want to be the man who kills her son. Fuck. Footsteps. The cranks of the crumpling wood filling my consciousness, the scent of the ancient dust whirling away. It’s time to pretend again. Footsteps. It’s getting louder. Its time to put the mask on. There, there. You almost have it, Lawrence. Open wider, more. You got this. Nice. Smile. There you go. Don’t worry. You only have to carry that mask for a while. Now talk. Prepare. The screech of the door means that it’s time to act. The heavy sigh she lets out means that the act is already over. You can relax after. Don’t worry. Krieeee~ There it is, the door screech. Smile. Perfect timing. Now talk. “Hey Diane, what’s with you today? “Anak, ga..” Do “bing-ga..” you want to “na..” talk about it? “hi…” again? I’m here “di.. ka pa…” for “ba..” you. “tutulog?” Do you mind if I ask if-” Hmmmm… There it is. That heavy sigh she lets out. Almost as if she lets out the weight of the world after witnessing the sight of her only child speak to a new internet friend. Back to reality. Release that smile, you don’t have to fake it any- more. There. Feel your body giving up on you, feel the loneliness rushing back inside your system. Fuck. Its time to do it again. Think of a word you can relate to. Something you can talk to someone about. There. Loneliness. That’s it. Searching.. searching.. searching.. You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You both like loneliness. You: Asl? Stranger: asl? You: Lawrence. Stranger: Kirsten.You? You: Tell me something about yourself. 47



FEARSOME? FEAR SOME? No more monsters under the bed, no more spooks in the closet, no more creepy crawlies hiding beneath our sheets, no more swift shadows following our feet. Those were our biggest fears as children, the possibility that someone—or some- thing rather could harm us. But as we grow older, we change. We fear not of what’s in the unknown but of which something we purely know; the world. No more shadows following our feet, only gunshots during the night in our streets. No more creepy crawlies lying under our blankets, but only farmer’s blood keeping their soil wet. No more spooky thoughts of things in our closets, only multiple killings and unfair deaths. No more monsters under the bed, —for all our monsters, live above our heads. 49



PASSIVENESS 10 Biology Class. It was Tuesday afternoon. Your biology teacher grouped your class into five separate groups. While you were wondering in the sidelines on which group you would actu- ally belong, the members of the first two groups were named. Then suddenly, four of the top 10 students in your class were called in the third group. Everyone just went in awe. You’re now just praying to be a part of that group to somehow at least carry and improve your academic standing. However, you were not called. It was already in the last group when your teacher realized you were the only excess student who has yet to have a group. With a silver lining, your teacher asked you to which group, you wish to be a part of. Without any hindrance, you said, “Group 3.” Your classmates just went further into awe because you belong as well to the ‘good por- tion’ of your class and you would have a nice set of industrious groupmates to be working with. The activity started. Ideas came popping out in everyone’s mind. But. No One is Talking. Five minutes have passed and the group were as dull as the black seeds of a sunflower. No One is Facilitating a Discussion. After 10 minutes, your teacher came to check out the progress. With a surprise look on her face, she was shocked to see how little job has been done. “You were the dream team already!” the teacher said in anxious manner, “Do you have any plans? Have someone to lead the group!” Everyone nodded a yes but deep inside, your hearts are already filled with crushing dis- appointment. In disgust, no one looked at each other’s eyes thinking, “I became a leader already hmm?” Then, after a surprising turn of events, someone started facilitating everything. This groupmate started sharing out his plans and only then did the other members spoke their thoughts. The group is now flooded with overflowing ideas. But the 30 minute time ran out before you even finished what you started. Lonely as it may seem, your group composition was easily considered the best, but your output, this time... --didn’t even get finished. 51



BOKYA Nagsimula na silang magbilang isa.. dalawa.. tatlo Pag minalas nga naman ikaw na naman ang kagrupo ko Kaagad kang napalingon sakin sabay sabing, “Yes, di na ko mahihirapan” Na kaagad kong sinagot sa aking isipan, “Bakit ikaw na naman?” Tinitigan ko ang bawat isa,wari’y kinikilala base sa kanilang mga mata Nandiyan si Ara, ang gumuguhit sa mga larawang di maipaliwanag ng mga tugma Ang nagbibigay ng buhay sa mga larawang tinanggihan mong magawa- Dahil sabi mo ay hindi mo kaya ang kanyang ginagawa At nandiyan naman si Eyo, ang taga-sulat Ang kagrupong ginagamit ang titik sa paghulma ng mga lamat Mga lamat sa sanaysay na di mo magawa dahil sabi mo- wala kang kakayahang sumulat Nandito rin ako, ang lider na lagi mong inaasahan Ang nagpapabago sa gawain mong itinuturing ng iba bilang parusa Nagsisilbing taga-intindi sa mga palusot mong kunyaring ika’y nahihirapan Sa pag-aakalang makikita mo rin ang salitang pagkukusa At syempre nagtama din ang ating mga mata Ang tinuring na “Freeloader” ng bawat isa Tinanggihan ang pagguhit, pagsulat, at pagkukusa Idinadaan sa paniniwala sa kagrupo ang palagiang pagpasa Ikaw, na syang di nakakakita ng mga responsibilidad Si Ara at Eyo na sumabay sa agos ng kanilang mga abilidad At ako, ang lider na pinabayaang akuin ang lahat Marahil masyado kaming nasanay sa binuong mundo ng katulad mong freeloader sa realidad Kaya’t nang nagtama ang ating mga mata Di ko mapigilang sambitin, “Hanggang pagiging freeloader ka na lang ba?” 53



ALARM CLOCK Dah-dah… A sound rises steadily Di-dit… Shrill and clear Di-di-dit… Pressing in until it is all I can hear Dit… Slowly dragging me to consciousness Di-dah-dit… I opened my eyes and listened Dah-di-dah-dah… As I lie caught in a disarray of sheets … The sound stops I strained to read the clock face: 6:15 A.M. With a deep sigh I whispered, “Fuck. It’s Monday again.” 55



NO MORE THAN THIS I know the limits of my capabilities The risks I shouldn’t be taking Foreseeing the failures and bad possibilities Settling for less, not overthinking I could be a great leader But I know in between I would fail Everyone will hate me without demur My followers would sink, not sail My room could be more organized But I won’t do my effort No matter what cleaning I realized It will be chaotic again in some sort A healthier lifestyle I could achieve But knowing my traits and ways best Halfway I’d give up and be naive So why would I try and be stressed Sometimes I do wonder What if I am more than my limits But then again I’m not a risk taker I know I would fail, I won’t commit I could actually be so much better But I am weak, that’s no argument My thoughts are so much faster I have Mastered Advance Judgements 57



THE DEFINING FACTOR 1:57. (one fifty seven) Avoid the abyss, stay wide open. Declension is unacceptable. “Failure, you see, is not inevitable.” 7:23 (seven twenty three) Details, this is what they heed; Not one should be presented in fragments All should be accomplished without lament 9:05 (nine oh five) Yet another, the stack now reaches nine Take a deep breath, there’s no need to fret Just put what’s salient, the mere facets you met 11:41 (eleven forty one) A day half over, no more reason to run Part, chew, swallow, repeat Ten more minutes, get back on those feet 3:01 (three oh one) Classes are over, work is not done To be at the faculty door before four Question: will it be favorable, what’s in store? 3:18 (three eighteen) Get out and lean Glance at the paper, look up to the sky Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to just flee and fly? 3:33 (three thirty three) Successfully escaped from the madness, soul free Reached the safe surface of the pit, almost drowned There is more to conquer At the brisk of failure. Don’t frown Carry on. 59

BAHALA NA Tick...tock...tick...to- I began covering my ears as the distant sound starts ringing in your head. The sound is quite low, I can barely even hear it, but something about it stands out to me. I started to follow that sound and end up looking at the wall facing me. Overhead, I checked the clock once again for the nth time tonight, hoping for a miracle to happen. Beads of sweat start to form on my forehead as I try to read the current time. 1:27 AM. A tear ran down my face while I try my hardest to bring back my attention to my laptop. But then, the realization started to dawn upon me. “Why am I staying up late for this anyway?” I wiped away my tears and finally stood up, readying myself for bed. “Bahala na. It’s not like I’ll be able to finish them all tonight.” After settling down in my bed, I shut my eyes closed, not knowing the horrors that my actions would bring to me the next day. With countless of obstacles being thrown on my way, it’s extremely frustrating, to say the least, that I cannot handle all of them at once. It’s frustrating that I cannot be in control. It’s frustrating that I cannot do anything right. Even if I did give my everything, it feels like it wasn’t enough. It seems like I just can’t satisfy everyone and whenever no one is satisfied, I tend to blame myself for my incompetence. I’m the type of person who cares about what others might think of me that’s why whenever I do something wrong, it kills me inside. It wasn’t always like this. I used to give my 110% in everything I do, may it be in school or anything I find myself involved in. I would be so proud of myself for the mere fact that I did my best. However, as time went by, people started to change, including myself. The society has become toxic in the sense that everything I’ll do will be used against me, leaving me no room to breathe for a moment and relax once I step outside. The same goes with the people I love. They were easily influenced by the society’s unrealistic expectations and in the end, they turned their backs on me whenever I let them down. To their eyes, I was a failure and I couldn’t do anything about it. 60

To be honest, I am being too hard on myself but I couldn’t avoid overthinking. I kept blaming myself and eventually, I got tired from it. I got tired from people, judging my every move. I got tired from myself, trying to satisfy others even if it pains me to do so. But most importantly, I got tired from doing my responsibilities and I just thought that it doesn’t matter what happens. Yes, I do get that I shouldn’t let others’ opinion affect me but seriously? The feeling that I get whenever I do something on my own free will despite its consequences is much better compared to the living hell I’m in. I wouldn’t be bothered to satisfy everyone. I wouldn’t be bothered to give my best efforts. Why, you ask? Because I chose not to care. I chose to embrace the notion of bahala na and let fate decide for me. In this way, I wouldn’t be the one at fault when something goes wrong, right? I mean, I am talking about fate here and no one can ever take control of that. The truth is, I know I can. I know I can make a change. I know I can change the world if I wanted to. But I was and I still am scared. I am scared that if I continued giving in to everyone’s desires, I would eventually break and I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I resorted to being like this. However, what I didn’t know is that everytime I say “Bahala na,” something inside of me also breaks. As funny as it may seem, there’s a part of me that still cares. There’s a part of me that wishes to do everything that I can in solving issues in front of me. I know it’s still here within me, but I chose to ignore it. Although I love getting recognition from other people especially when I’m giving my all, I just can’t risk being rejected anymore whenever I fail to reach their standards. That’s why I’m stuck here saying “bahala na.” I don’t know how many times I’ve said it. I just know that everytime I say it, it will eventually become true, that I won’t care at all. 61



TAMANG TSEMPO Balik tayo sa kinagabihan Kinagabihan bago ang araw na iyong Silip dito, silip doon Di mapakali kung saan lilingon kinatatakutan Saulong –saulo na ang tamang tsempo Ito ka Alamat ng papel ni katabi atin ng simulan dito Nakahiga sa kama Tik-tak, tik-tak, tik-tak…. Ni wala ka man lang nagawa Ang pawis ay tumatagaktak Kundi ang tumutok sa cellphone mo nang walang Sa takot na mahuli sawa Na nakasilip sa papel ng katabi Sumapit ang alas-dyis ng gabi Napagdesisyunan mong umidlip sandali Yan ang guro Palakad- lakad sa loob ng kwadradong kwarto Hanggang sa napamulat ka At napagtanto mong kinabukasan na pala Ikaw itong kabadong-kabado Humahanap ng tamang tsempo Tik-tak, tik-tak, tik-tak… Balik tayo sa kasalukuyan Isang lingat ng guro Kung saan patuloy ka pa rin kinakain ng takot at Isang sagot ang madadagdag sa papel mo kaba Daig mo pa ang may wifi connection Ngunit patuloy ka pa ring humahanap ng tamang Tipong you can search sa papel ng katabi mo tsempo sa pagaasam na pumasa ka anumang panahon Tamang tsempo, yan ang naging pormula mo Kinse minutos palang ang nakalipas Pero para sayo kay rami ng oras na nawaldas Upang malagpasan ang pagsubok na ito Pero dapat ang mga nawaldas na oras ang naging Kahihintay na malingat ang guro At muling makasilip sa papel ng katabi mo sandata mo Upang sana mas napagtagumpayan mo ito Nakakatawa Papel ng katabi, yan ang naging pag-asa mo Pero kahit kalian hindi magiging nakakatuwa Na dapat sana ikaw ang tumutulong sa sarili mo Na mas nanghihinayang ka pa sa oras na sana ay Paano mo nga ba matutulungang umusad ang nakakopya ka mundo? Kesa dun sa oras na sana ay nag-aral ka Kung ikaw mismo, hindi mo mapakinabangan Tik-tak, tik-tak, tik-tak… ang sarili mo? Mga winaldas mong oras at panahon atin ngang balikan 63



PLAYER ONE White walls New Faces Different smiles Different Lives All the same Places Wretched, Confused, Powerless Don’t know what to say What to do Who even are you? What is my purpose Do I speak or do I shout No words can come out of my mouth Outside, I shine Inside, my darkness resides Stuck in a body I don’t own Stuck in a life I don’t know Who am I? What can I do Is this really a life that I’m living Or am I finally awake from this game we’re playing? 65

PROCRASTINATION REIGNS The sound of the clock was bothering you. You stare at the unfinished papers scattered all over your desk. Tick-tock. The sight of procrastination and anxiety all squashed together blurred out your sense of hearing, only leaving out the constant tick-tocks of your clock. You grab a glass of water to fight the urge of grabbing your phone and scrolling through your Twitter timeline. It was excruciating, wasn’t it? Earlier that day, you just heard that there was new drama all over the internet and you wanted to hop in for some scorching hot tea; but your essay assignment still remained squeaky clean, just like how it looked like when you first held it. You took a pen from your case and began to write the first word of your essay when your mother called for you. Food. You smelled food. Your cramming instincts immediately used it as an excuse to step out of the academic zone for a while. Little did you know, you just stepped into a very dangerous trap. As you nibbled on the warm cookies your mother made, you got hooked by this movie being played on your TV. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. You instantly looked at your wall clock. Shoot. Thirty minutes just passed by. You started panicking because there was no way time flew by like that. You went to your room and straight to your desk where your untouched assignments where waiting for you. As soon as you sat down, your phone received notifications. One. Two. Three. Dozens of them. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. In that moment, your attention shifted from your school requirements to your phone that you were badly craving for. Your timeline kept changing every second and it took you almost an hour and a half to keep up with everything that was happening in the social media world. As you put your phone down, you felt all the tiredness seeping into your body. Ah, sleep. No, just a nap. You thought that if you took a nap, you’d be able to think properly; thus, letting you accomplish whatever you needed to do. You threw your body on your bed and hugged your 66

pillow. Within a second, you were already floating in your dreams, sleeping heavily. Tick-tock. The sound of the clock woke you up. You stretched your body and checked your phone which fell to the ground as you realized that it was already 5:45 am. Your assignments. Your essays. Every single one of them remained untouched. You realized that there was nothing you could do because your service driver would arrive in a moment and you just woke yourself up. You took a quick shower and some cookies before you left. You sighed as you stared out the window of the vehicle you were in. You realized that you had plenty of time that night to finish all your requirements yet procrastination still reigned. You’ve been doing this tradition for years so everything that happened was pretty normal to you. Still, you heaved out a long sigh as you stared at your reflection on your phone. All the promises you’ve made of less procrastination and more productivity still remained unkept. Your motivation was there but it was not enough to fuel your body and mind to do things in action. It was easy to come up with goals you longed for but you will never attain them if you simply wished for them. You were disappointed at yourself but your mind has gotten used to it that you could only say the same thing to yourself over and over again. “Ganyan talaga,” you muttered under your breath. 67



SCARLET PARADE Under the clear breadth of the pristine sky, On scarlet roses you lie. Red as blood poured and bathed, Blood poured by peasants under the realms of this crimson bed. As you lie, bodies are wrapped around thorns and spines. For this crimson field, they shed tears, blood and sweat. But now the pikes burn, to the roots then to the petals of the red mines. Until you’re left with an ash concoction of corpses and red flowerets. It burns, it stings, damage has been done. In silence, you weep on the dunes you lie upon. Amidst tears, you realize that your heart belonged to the casualties of the wildfire. You’re all alone, crying cathartically until you tire. Tears drop onto the abyss of ashes, That blurs your vision of the now overcast sky. As if it will weep for the scorched and demised roses. But no, it will not. It only burns of mockery and wry. The clouds brew darker, never shying away. You stand, fathoming that the only thing to do is glean, To glean what was left of the scorned scarlet bouquet. Wind sweeps, the heaven’s only response to what had been and what it had seen. The ashes dance as the clashing winds sing. The wild breeze carries remnants of you; your charred heart and core until they fade. You kneel, head bowed left with nothing, As the wind takes every bit, every speck of this burnt scarlet parade. 69



ANG TINIG NG MAKASALANAN Kasabay ng pagkilala ng kanyang mga paa sa lugar ay ang kanyang matang waring hinahanap ang salitang “kumpisalan.” Nanginginig. Balisa. Natagpuan ang sarili sa kumpisalan hawak ang bagong rosaryong binili sa gilid ng simbahan na wala pang basbas. Pawang inukit ng tao sa kahoy na marahil ay gawa rin ng tao, isang bagay na walang banal na kahulugan. Nagsimula syang manalangin at isipin ang mga kasalanang nagawa. Mas masahol sa pagkapit sa patalim. Wala na siyang pakialam sa kung ano man ang kailangan niyang kapitan. Ang hinihiling lang niya ay mapatawad -- at walang makakapigil sa kaniya. Kasabay ng kaniyang pagbabalik-tanaw sa kasalanan ang pagbalik sa nakaraan. “Biktima o kriminal? Pagpatay sa isang binatilyo, siniyasat!” isa sa mga headline ng dyaryo na kanyang laging binabasa. “Ano ba ‘to? Puro na lang patayan,” aniyang wari ay sawang-sawa na sa palagiang nababasa kung kaya’t tinapon na lamang sa basurahan ang binabasa. Sinimulan nyang buksan ang telebisyon at bumungad ang isang inang naghihinagpis. “Nag-send siya ng maraming message, ‘Mama, mahal na mahal kita, uwi ka na kasi, ‘Ma, napakabuti mo, hayaan mo pagtanda mo alagaan kita’. Lagi niyang sinasabi na alam ko ang hirap mo diyan sa Saudi kaya bawat piso na pinapadala mo pinapahalagahan namin,” tila nadikit ang kanyang mga mata sa telebisyon hanggang sa nawala ang atensyon nito nang tawagin sya ng kanyang anak. “Ma, nakaaawa ano? Alam nyo po bang pinangarap nyang maging pulis pero ang pumatay rin sa kanya ay ang mga tao sa propesyong iyon. Nakaaawa, nakakapanlumo ang kanyang sinapit,” saad ng kanyang anak na mabilis nyang sinagot, “‘Yan ang mangyayari sayo pag gumamit ka ng ilegal na droga kaya sinasabi ko na sayo anak, ‘wag mong tularan ang tatay mo.” “Pero nay, di naman sya gumagamit ng ilegal na droga. Ang kanyang sinapit ay katulad lamang ng kay tatay. Ma, hanggang kailan mo panghahawakan ang ideyang binigay nila sayo? Hindi gumagamit ng bawal na gamot si tatay at sa lahat ng tao, ikaw ang dapat nakakaalam niyan,” ang huling sinabi ng kanyang anak bago sya pagsarahan ng pinto. Ngunit natigil ang kanyang pagbabalik-tanaw nang maramdamang dumating na ang pari kung kaya’t sinimulan na niyang magsalita. 71

“Padre, bendisyunan niyo po ako sapagkat ako ay nagkasala. Ang huli ko pong pangungumpisal ay noong nakaraang …” Napatigil. Naririnig na naman nya sa kanyang isipan ang mga boses na humihingi ng hustisya “Maliwanag na maliwanag, planted, binaboy niyo ang anak ko! Ba’t niyo dadalhin sa putikan? Dito niyo nahuli, dito niyo na lang binaril kung sira ulo, di ba?” “Lahat po kami nasasaktan. Bigyan po sana ng katarungan ang ginawa nila sa binata. Hindi po makaturangan ginawa nila sa kanya.” “Mahal na mahal ko ang anak ko, Diyos ko naman. Nananawagan po ako sa Pangulo, alam kong hindi na maibabalik ang buhay ng anak ko pero sana po magkaroon ng hustisya para maniwala ako sa kampanya niyong hinuhuli niyo at pinapatay ang totoong drug addict. Hindi po drug addict ang anak ko.” Hindi nya namalayang tuluyan nang tumakas ang mga butil ng luha sa kanyang mga mata. Patuloy ang kanyang pag-iyak habang inaalala ang mga alaalang ninanais nya na lamang iwan sa nakaraan. “Ma, nasan po si tatay? Sabi nya po bibigyan nya ako ng bagong laruan,” tanong ng kanyang anak na inosente sa totoong nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. “Anak, hindi na muna makakabalik si tatay. Naalala mo yung mga lalakeng sumundo sa kanya? Sasama muna si tatay sa kanila kaya ihahabilin muna kita sa kapitbahay at bibisitahin ko lang si tatay. Hayaan mo papaalala ko kay tatay yung pangako nya sayo,” pilit nyang sinasabi ng nakangiti upang pawiin ang pagdududang gumuhit sa mukha ng kanyang anak. “Misis, ayos ka lang ba?” tanong ng pari nang mapansing hindi niya na maituloy ang sasabihin at dinaan na lamang sa pag-iyak ang lahat. “Pasensya na po. May naalala lang po ako.” “Padre, bendisyunan niyo po ako sapagkat ako ay nag…ka..sa..” humagulhol. Wari ang pag amin sa kasalanan ay daan upang balikan ang bawat pait at pagdurusang pinadama ng nakaraan. Dumating sa istasyon ng pulis. Bakas ang matinding pagluha. Nalilito. “Yung asawa ko po? Nasaan siya? Sabi nila kakausapin lang daw, hindi po adik yung asawa ko. Na..san sya?” ngunit ni isa sa mga tao sa loob ng istasyon ay walang sumagot sa kanyang katanungan. Bagkus ang kanyang natanggap ay, “Huminahon ka misis. Sasagutin ko ang mga tanong mo mamaya. Umupo ka muna.” 72

Pinagmasdan nya ang paligid, nakita nya ang kanyang sarili sa mga taong nasa loob ng istasyon. Umiiyak. Nagdadalamhati. Nagtataka. Kringggg….kringgg … “Hello, ba’t ka napatawag?” “Nandyan ka na ba sa istasyon?” “Oo, bakit? Ayaw nilang sabihin kung nasan ang asawa ko. Wala pa yata sila dito.” “Yung asawa mo…” “Ano? Anong meron?” “Hindi na talaga siya makakaabot sa istasyon. Nanlaban daw ang asawa mo sabi nila.” “H-ind-iii. Hindi nya magagawa yun. Hindi adik ang asawa ko.” “Ayos ka lang ba talaga, misis? Mukhang wala ka sa sarili.” ani ng pari na siyang nagpabalik sa kanya sa realidad. “Padre, bendisyunan niyo po ako sapagkat ako ay nagkasala. Ang huli ko pong pangungumpisal ay noong nakaraang di pa po nawala samin ang asawa ko…” umiiyak man ay nagpatuloy siya. “At ang mga kasalanan ko po ay patuloy na pagpikit sa mga nangyayari sa paligid. Kasalanan po ba ang pumikit pagkatapos masaksihan kung gaano kahigpit ang mundo? Padre, kasalanan po ba na di ko na hinangad ang hustisya sa pag-aakalang walang makakarinig sa’kin? Padre, kasalanan po bang tinignan ko ang mundo na walang bahid ng nagbabadyang kamatayan? Kasalanan po bang pumikit at isiping ang karahasan ay imahe lang ng takot at kailanman ay hindi magkakatotoo? Kasalan po ba ‘to?” Kung kasalanan ang minsang pumikit para iwasan ang silakbo ng dahas, handa akong magkasala. Hindi ko yata kayang sikmurain ang ganitong katotohanan. Nawa’y panatilihin sa gapos ang aking mga tinig. Hanggang ako’y ligtas ay mananatili akong payapa. 73



ITO NA LANG BA AKO? Isa akong estranghero sa sisidlang aking minamaneho. Ang sisidlan ay may dalawang panlakad dalawang palad at mga bintana para ang daigdig ay maunawa. Kontrolado ko araw-araw pagbulong, imik, at sigaw paglakad, takbo at galaw. Pag minsan nalilimutan ko ang mga mukha, sino kayo? Kaibigan nga pala ito ng makina hindi ng mekaniko. Ngunit hanggang dito nalang ba ako? bawat hinga, bilang bawat luha, kontrolado makina sa loob ng makina. Hanggang dito nalang ba ako? Maghunus dili, gusto ko bang mabuhay o magkubli? Sa panahong ako’y nag-iisa ni sarili’y nawawala napagtanto kong marami pang “ako” sa maliit na katawang ito. Isang buong kalawakan sa kasikipan ng isang katawan. Hindi ako matatapos bilang mekaniko tagapagmaneho estranghero. Hindi ako rito magwawakas Hindi ako mabibgyang wakas. Ito lang ba ako? Hindi. 75

So, you survived huh? Alive but barely breathing. You still have a lot of bruises all over your body. Hell, I’d say battered and beaten to a pulp wouldn’t do justice the sorry state you are in now. Made you feel it, didn’t I? Well, you need not worry. From here on out, the only way is up, my good friend. That is, if you still have the nerve and guts to keep on going. You do? Good. But, you must know my friend that I am merely a mirror. A simple reflection, yet a very important one, for I am going to help you face the music you have long chosen to ignore. An ignorance that has held you back considerably and put you on the ground for more than you can remember. From here on out, friend, you will see and overlook the things that took the color out of your world. You will cross swords with the demons that have devoured your spirit. You will come to terms with the reality that you have continually refused to recognize. You will take in the power you have dreaded for so long. And you will be better for it. Rise. Up on your feet, soldier!

Hope a four-letter fantasy for the uninformed

HI How are you? Have you been eating? Sleeping well? How have your classes been? The last time we talked, you told me about how you’ve been feeling down. About everything, you said. Your classes, your friends, even about that person you liked so much. You mentioned recently how much you hated going to school because no matter how hard you tried, your efforts always seemed to go unappreciated. You said that your friends never really cared about you. It was heartbreaking to hear these things, you were even sobbing at the end. I tried to make you realize that your hard work was more than enough, and that your friends care for you and are more than lucky to have you. You just kept insisting that nobody would want to deal with you, that nobody could handle or understand you. I understand you. I’m here, aren’t I? I’m here. But.. soon, I won’t be. I’m not afraid of leaving. I’m not afraid to disappear from this world tomorrow if I wanted to. That’s the thing, though. I don’t want to, yet.. I’ll have to. Soon. Our conversation is still playing in my mind. You know what scares me? It’s leaving you like this. I’m not sure how you’d take it, how you’d react. Especially now, when you cry at night, wondering why it seems so easy for people to leave you. You thought I wouldn’t know about that. But I do, I always know. I know that when the time comes, you’d think I left you too. I promise, if it were up to me, I’d spend an eternity with you. However, it’s not up to me. I believe in you. I always have. Whatever happens to me, wherever I may go, that’s one thing that won’t ever change. You’re hurting, I know. I know you so well. You try to act like you’re okay, not even for yourself but for everyone around you. You say you don’t care about anything anymore, that living is meaningless because in the end, we all die anyway. 78

Funny, huh? If life was so meaningless, I wouldn’t be begging for mine to last even just a year longer. You’re strong. You’re so strong, and I believe that with every fiber of my being. I need you to know that yes, it will hurt. It will hurt and then it’ll hurt some more. But the day will come when it’ll hurt a little less, and then the pain will continue to lessen, until it finally subsides into a dull ache that fades into nothing but a mere thought at the back of your head. One day, I promise, you will heal. You will heal from this. You will heal from whatever it is you’re feeling right now, and you will continue to heal from whatever may come your way in the future. We both know that you complain a lot when I ask you to do something for me, but maybe you’ll let these few things slide? Please promise you’ll get better. Do everything you didn’t get a chance to do because you were so scared--scared of other people’s thoughts, scared of failing, scared of yourself. Go out and see the world! Learn to let yourself make mistakes. Learn to love yourself, bit by bit, until you love yourself as much as I love you and maybe even more than that. Live each day with no regrets, just lessons and memories. Live for me, will you? 79



NAPULOT NA SD CARD SA PUROK 5, STA. CLARA MVI_0382.MOV Magandang araw! Para sa mga bagong viewers, ako nga pala si Alice BABAE: Gokongwei. Kasalukuyan akong nasa Sta. Clara at sabay-sabay nating tutuklasan ang kaso ng pagkawala ng batang si Milagros Rivera, 11 anyos. Ayon sa aking pananaliksik, tumigil na ang mga authorities at ang sariling ama mismo ni Rivera ang nagpatigil sa imbestigasyon. Gayunpaman, dahil ito ang pinakahinihiling ng mga patron, itutuloy natin ang paghahanap sa hustisya para kay Milagros. MVI_0384.MOV ALICE: Pakilahad na lang ng iyong pangalan, edad, at relasyon kay Milagros. (BATA): Ana Ampalaya, labing-isang taon, kaklase po niya. ALICE: Kamusta naman si Milagros bilang kaklase? ANA: Si Mila yung madalas sumagot sa ulit-aral sa diskusyon. Talagang siya lang. Mula unang asignatura hanggang wakas ng klase ay laging nakataas ang kamay. ALICE: Tama naman ang mga sinagot niya? ANA: Uhh, tama naman--pero may isang beses na hindi! [Tumawa] Kung maka-asta kasi akala mo matalino. MVI_0385.MOV ALICE: Pangalan, edad, at relasyon kay Milagros Rivera. (BATA): Ako po si Diego Mansanas, dose anyos, at matalik na kaibigan po ni Mila. ALICE: Ah, kung ganoon ay may alam ka tungkol sa nangyari? DIEGO: Siguro. Sa tingin ko, ang mananahi ang may sala. ALICE: Mananahi? DIEGO: May paniniwala sa Sta. Clara na may gumagalang mananahi tuwing hatinggabi. Kapag tulog na ang buong bayan, pinupun tahan daw niya yung mga ano-- yung mga madadaldal--basta pabibo! ALICE: Tapos anong ginagawa niya? DIEGO: Tinatahi raw niya ang bibig ng mga bata para tumahimik. Kaya nga po kapag umiiyak ako noong bata ako, parati akong tinata kot ng lola na bibisitahin ako ng mananahi sa pagtulog. ALICE: So, naniniwala kang binisita ng mananahi si Mila? DIEGO: Oo. Ilang beses ko nang sinabihan si Mila na manahimik na lang 81

MVI_0390.MOV Sinubukan kong magtanong-tanong pa sa mga teachers ni Mila sa school ALICE: pero tapos na ang lunch break nila. Patungo ako ngayon sa Purok 5 kung saan nakatira ang mga Rivera. MVI_0391.MOV Magandang araw po, Ale. Pwede po bang magtanong? ALICE: (ALE): Jusko, Ernie, yung utang mo bayaran mo na! (LALAKI): Bukas na, Baby. Walang kita eh. (ALE): Bwisit, umalis ka na rito! Ineng, ano sayo? ALICE: Ah, may itatanong lang po ako. Kilala niyo po ba si Milagros Rivera? (ALE): Uo, anak ni Ka-Cesar. Sumalangit nawa ang kanyang kaluluwa. ALICE: Ano pong masasabi niyo tungkol sa nangyari-- Ay, ano po palang pan galan niyo? (ALE): Aling Baby na la’ang… Mabait na bata iyang si Mila. Hindi ko na iyan pinagbabayad kapag kulang ang pambili. ALICE: May alam po ba kayo sa nangyari sa kanya? ALING BABY: Ah eh… [Tumingin sa paligid] Pasensya ka na. Ayaw kong madamay tsaka magluluto pa ako ng paninda. Maghahapunan na. Salamat-- sige, alis ka na! ALICE: Salamat po. MVI_0396.MOV [Pabulong] Sa totoo lang, netizens ay masama na ang pakiramdam ko ALICE: rito pero nandito na ako. Alam kong wala akong karapatan pero gusto kong malaman ang katotohanan sa sinapit ni Mila. Papunta ako ngayon sa tahanan ng mga Rivera. Sana ay makapanayam ko sila. MVI_0397.MOV ALICE: Magandang gabi po! Ako po ay isang Youtube vlogger, Alice Gokongwei po. Unang-una po sa lahat, ikinalulungkot ko po ang nangyari sa inyong anak. Nais ko lang pong malaman ang tunay na nangyari. Humihingi rin po ako ng pahintulot na i-video ang ating pag-uusap. CESAR: Sige lang. Alam ko namang marami ang interesado… Naging laman din to ng mga dyaryo. Marami kasing tinuturo na salarin. ALICE: Oo nga po, kaya laking gulat po nang ipinatigil niyo ang imbestigasyon. 82

CESAR: [Tumawa] Nako, ayaw ko pang makulong eh! ALICE: Po? CESAR: Paano ko ba ‘to sisimulan? Hmm, masyado kasing nakikielam itong si Milagros. Kala mo’y tama ang kinikilos, aba hindi naman. Gusto ko lang naman lambingin ang nanay niya pero paharang-harang itong si Mila Ayun. Hindi ko na napigilin ang sarili ko. ALICE: A--Ano pong ginawa niyo? CESAR: Alam mo ba ang mananahi? ALICE: Opo. CESAR: Ah, buti naman. ALICE: Umm, ano po ang ginawa niyo-- CESAR: Malalim na ang gabi. Nakapaghapunan ka na ba? Kakaluto ko lang ng tulingan. ALICE: Nako, hindi na po. Maraming salamat. CESAR: Sige na. Ibaba mo na ang camera. MVI_0398.MOV Maawa po kayo! ALICE: CESAR: Sinabing itikom ang bibig. Bobo ka ba? Wala ka ring pinagkaiba kay Mila. ALICE: Parang awa-- [Audio Gap] CESAR: Kung nanahimik ka na lang sana. MVI_0399.MOV Nakabukas na kaya? Hello? [Kumaway] Miss blager, kaway ka naman sa CESAR: camera. Mayron ka bang huling sasabihin? ALICE: --- CESAR: [Humalakhak] 83



SOUNDS OF PRAYER Let us all take a moment of silence And offer our most genuine intentions for those in need For all those who are about to have their examinations tomorrow… Let us pray. (*sounds of agony and disappointment) For all those who are about to present their thesis tomorrow… Let us pray. (*sounds of sorrow from failure) For all those who are crying throughout the depths of the night, desperately clinging on for dear life… Let us pray. (*Sounds of eerie despair) For all those who are suffering from extreme hunger in all corners of the world…. Let us pray. (*Sounds of insatiable devouring hunger) For all those who are dealing with the terrors of war and devastation throughout this forsaken rock... Let us pray. (*BANG!!) Amen. 85



CHANCES Is the world against you? You thought you would never know But by the little fragments of the life you have now, everything seems to matter You fail to function without the right numbers; And everything just seems to fall apart. Yet, in a mere five months, they expect you to be better than Napoleon, Moving past Waterloo, with a triumphant gleam in your eyes Sorry to disappoint, but that’s not how it works, they know that Just pick up the pace, what more is there to be done? You follow a system which presumes that you might as well get everything over with You’re focused on that fact, overlooking the rest When despite it all, they know you’re not a machine There’s just too much to give, too little time You precisely learn from your mistakes, but after a few months, you start from scratch A new way to begin again, but what becomes of your past efforts? Do they get left behind, ready to haunt you like the rest? Or do they go like the wind, constantly moving, without any certainty of returning? Teamwork involves pulling each other up, never the opposite, Numbers do the same Remember; it’s never a race The celestial body that is your mind won’t ever go to waste You fall down, you get back up, that’s what you’re supposed to do They made sure of that, otherwise, no one would pull through Keep in mind that most are survivors, Chances are, you’ll be one too 87



ANYARRA Hindi pa sumisikat ang araw ngunit handa na ako. Ata. “Yung pinagawa ko sayo, huwag mo kalilimutan,” paalala ni Tanya. Napahinto ako sa paglalakad at nagpumigil ng isang mura. Put-. Muntik ko na ngang makalimutan ang mga telang pininturahan ko kagabi. Akalain mo ba naman na sa sandumakmak na takdang tinapos ko ay nakapagsingit pa ako ng pagpipintura? Marahil ay ganoon talaga kapag mahal mo ang ginagawa mo. Isinuksok ko na ang mga nakatuping tela sa backpack kong susuko na sa sobrang pagkagamit. Sapilitan ko pang isinarado ang zipper. “Magkita muna tayo sa puno ng Narra tapos sabay tayo pumunta sa Silang,” ani Tanya—si Tanya na walang kinakatakutan subalit kinakatakutan ng lahat. Kung mayroon mang isa na nakapasok sa kinaiingat-ingatan niyang puder, ako siguro iyon. “Sige, ingat ka,” paalam ko bago ibinaba ang tawag. Pagkasarado ko ng aking kwarto ay tumungo ako sa sa silid ni Mama. Bukod sa humingi ako ng allowance, nagpasabi akong gagabihin ng uwi mamaya. “May project po kaming tatapusin sa bahay ng kagroupmate,” dahilan ‘ko. Tila nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang tumango siya. Hindi ko nais ang magsinungaling sa kanya subalit kapag kinailangan ay gagawin ko lalo na at hindi nagkakatalo ang paniniwala’t prinsipyo namin sa buhay. “Sasali ulit si Tanya sa rally? Kausap ko si Mareng Helen kagabi.” Pumipikit-pikit ang mga mata ni Mama sa antok pero alam kong sigurado siya sa mga salitang binitawan niya. Alam ko dahil isang rally nga ang isasagawa ng mga mag-aaral mula sa aming kolehiyo, upang ipaglaban ang kalayaan at kapakanan ng mga manunulat at mambabalita. Kinuha ni Mama ang kamay ko at pinisil-pisit ito, “Anak, ipangako mo sa akin na kahit kailan ay hindi ka mag-rarally.” Saulado ko na rin ang mga ganitong linyahan ni Mama. Ika niya parati, ang pagiging isang aktibista ay katumbas ng pagsawalang bahala sa pag-aaral. Wala raw akong 89

mapapala roon. Huwag ko raw tutularan si Tanya. Kahit anong pilit ay hindi ko makita ang katuturan ng mga kaisipang ito. At ito naman ako, tila isang ibong pilit na nagkukumawala sa hawla upang maging malaya. Sa paglisan ko sa aking tahanan, hindi ko mawari kung dala ko ang lahat ng kinakailangan, ang mga pinadala ni Tanya, ang mga extra kong damit, miski ang buong puso ko subalit isa lamang ang natatangi. Kailangan kong maging handa para sa mga darating na pagsubok. *** Hanga ako sa puno ng Narra na ito. Bukod sa saksi ito ng mga pagkikita namin ni Tanya, ilang nag-aalimpuyong bagyo at sakuna rin ang nilupig nito. Nais kong maging kasing tatag at lakas ng nasabing puno. “Dinner with the family? Tanya, ayos ka lang?” Isinarado ko ang aking laptop kahit na may report na kailangang ipasa ngayong araw. Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya at wala akong nakitang bahid ng pilya. “Mag-iisang taon na rin naman tayo, Cath. I think it’s about time they should know,” hinawakan ni Tanya ang kamay ko. Sa pagkakataong ito… sa totoo lang… gusto kong pumiglas ngunit hindi ako makagalaw. Natatakot ako sa posibilidad—sa malaking posibilidad—na hindi kami matatanggap ng sarili naming mga pamilya. Natatakot akong makita ang pagkabigo sa mukha ng aking ina. Natatakot akong makita ang walang humpay na pagluha niya dahil ibang-iba ako sa Catherine na pinalaki niya. Nagawa kong bawiin ang aking kamay mula sa kanya, “Hindi nila tayo matatanggap.” Isa itong katotohanan na hindi na kailangan pang patunayan. “Kung tanggap nila tayo o hindi, it doesn’t matter! Our love for each other is so strong. It’s the only thing that we need,” malakas ang kombiksyon ni Tanya. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nakakahugot ng lakas. Umiling ako. Lumalabo na ang paningin ko dulot ng pag-iipon ng luha sa aking mga mata. “Ikaw lang, Tanya. Hindi ko kaya… Hindi ako kasing tapang mo.” 90

Wala na ako sa tamang wisyo sa mga sumunod na pangyayari. Ano man ang sinabi ko, Tanya, patawad. Hindi pa ako handa. *** Kinailangang putulin ang puno ng Narra dahil may itatayong bagong gusali. Kwento ni Cecille sa akin na kinontra ni Tanya ang pagpuputol. Gumawa pa raw ito ng liham para sa mga nasa itaas. Nag-camp out pa raw siya rito ng ilang araw at gabi. Noong una ay hindi ako naniwala dahil sino ang magpapakatanga para sa isang puno lamang? Gusto kong tawanan ang lahat ng narinig ko ngunit si Tanya itong pinag-uusapan natin. Walang kinakatakutan. Walang inuurungan. Walang sinusukuan. Hindi nagtagumpay si Tanya. Pinutol pa rin ang puno ng Narra. 91