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THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Mindset Why start with mindset? As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t - you’re right.” In other words, your mindset governs how you see the world, the strategies you consider, and ultimately, what you do. And, what you do creates the world around you. Consider that the results you get influence your worldview. Rather than being a simple linear progression, worldview, mindset, actions and results all influence and reinforce each other. Now apply this to your interactions with others. If, for example, your mindset about a colleague is that the person is difficult and argumentative, you might approach the colleague defensive- ly or dismiss the colleague’s input as mere pontification and annoying. On the other hand, what if you embrace the mindset that colleagues who think differently are an asset, then your view of the colleague is that he or she is inquisitive and smart, your interac- tions with the colleague will likely be positive because you want the benefit of the colleague’s insight. Let’s take a step back and look at your mindset about the world. Do you believe the pie is only so big and you have to battle with others to get your share? Do you believe there will always be a winner and a loser? Do you fight to avoid becoming the latter? Your actions will reflect this mindset. You will fight for the lion’s share of the spoils. Or, are you optimistic? Do you believe that there’s usually a way for each person to get what (or some of what) he or she wants? If so, then you’ve got a Win-Win mindset. You collaborate to find strategies that work for all. And, your results reflect this creative thinking; they expand the pie and result in better relationships and less stress because your approach is not adversar- ial. These results shape and reinforce your worldview, mindset, and actions. 37

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Ask yourself: What happens in collaboration when a colleague’s mindset is: ■  one of defending against being wrong or trying to be right? ■  that a strategy exists that would meet all needs? TIP 46: Don’t Focus on Being Right. When your mindset is win-lose, your focus is on “being right” or “getting your way.” This takes the focus off of what is truly important: resolving the issue so that all or most needs are met. This is because when you focus on who is “right,” you focus on getting your way with a particular strategy. Such focus quashes cre- ativity and the ability to generate additional strategies that might meet all needs. Thus, to fully appreciate the cost of a win-lose rather than a Win-Win mindset, one must first explore the difference between needs and strategies. Needs are what drives us to devise strategies so that we can meet those needs. See the example on page 40. TIP 47: The Price of Right. Let’s face it; there are times when you think you are right. In fact, you know you are right. Unfortunately, the mindset ”I-am-right” doesn’t work when you are trying to devise a strategy that works for both you and a colleague. You may in fact be correct that your solution meets your needs. However, your solution may not work for your colleague and, importantly, being “right,” has a cost: it can make you seem closed to other options and stifle others’ creativity and willingness to share, especially if you hold a position of relative power. The solution? Curiosity. Try to understand what is important to the other person so that you don’t overlook an important aspect of the problem or, at the very least, you understand your colleague’s thinking and values so that you can mentor and manage him or her more effectively. TIP 48: Assume the Best. Assume others have good intentions. Once you understand another’s unmet need, his or her intention will seem a lot less nefarious. 38

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL TIP 49: Understanding Others. Having a Win-Win Conversation doesn’t mean you are su- garcoating information or feedback. Rather, you are looking to understand colleagues’ needs so that you can either devise a strategy that is more likely to work for all of you, or, in the case of giving critical feedback, set the stage so that your colleague will be able to listen, under- stand, and meet your needs. TIP 50: Take Responsibility. The paradox of a Win-Win Conversation is that you must take 100% responsibility for the outcome and the conversation must be a two-way street. When All Needs Can’t Be Met The Win-Win Model and corresponding mindset are both key to engaging team members as well as harnessing diverse perspectives. It is, however, possible that all needs won’t be met. Notwithstanding, using Win-Win yields better results than a win-lose mindset for two reasons: First, team members get better results when they use The Win-Win Model. This is because when team members operate as if the only strategies are those presented and that one member “wins” at the expense of another, creativity and innovation are quashed because the focus is on whose strategy is the “right” strategy. There is little or no exploration of alternatives that might meet all or most needs. 39

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Second, using Win-Win is vital to creating more satisfying interactions with colleagues 360- degrees. This is because people feel valued and that their needs and concerns are important when their colleagues listen to and understand their needs, even if such needs ultimately are not fully met. When a person’s mindset is focused on who is right or wrong, colleagues end up on opposing sides rather than the same team. Colleagues who can agree on needs, or at the very least spend the time to understand others’ needs, discuss and brainstorm strategies, and prioritize needs as necessary, build trust, collaborate effectively, and get great results. These are the hallmarks of a highly effective team. Thus, while it is quite possible that some needs won’t be met, the process of engaging as though all needs can be met yields far better results both with regard to team members’ rela- tionships and the team’s goals. Remember, if you don’t believe it’s possible to meet all needs, it isn’t. TIP 51: Clarify the Situation. When you have to let a colleague know that you will be making a choice that will result in his or her needs not being met, it is often best to let your colleague know you were torn – that you’d like to meet their needs and are choosing to meet other, competing needs. For example: “I am really torn. I’d like to help you, but I promised Joe I’d complete his project by COB tomorrow and I just won’t have enough time. Would you be willing to give me a couple more days’ notice next time?” Goals v. Strategies - Michael Porter (Faculty, HBS) Sound strategy starts with having the right goal. A goal is what you are trying to accomplish. A strategy is how you get there. There are often many strategies that you can utilize to achieve a particular goal or satisfy a need. To identify a solution that works for both of you, you must identify the goals and needs at stake and then focus on a strategy that meets both parties’ goals and needs. Example: Working It Out. It’s Friday morning and Joe asks his associate, Tom, to finish a report by 5 pm that afternoon. Tom tells Joe he can’t because he’s got other work he needs to get done and he’s got an important meeting with a client at 4 pm that is out of the office. Joe and Tom choose to have a Win-Win Conversation and look for ways to meet both of their needs and avoid a Win-Lose where either Joe doesn’t get his report or Tom misses his meeting. The key to Win-Win is for Joe and Tom to distinguish between a particular strategy and the under- lying needs so that they can develop alternative strategies. As their first step in figuring out how to meet both of their needs, Joe and Tom identify and distinguish needs from strategies. When it comes down to it, Joe doesn’t need the report until 10 am on Monday, but that is the absolute latest he can get it. Tom’s needs are to leave the office by 3:30 pm to get to his meeting 40

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL and to ensure that all of his work is completed in a timely manner. Now that they have iden- tified their needs, Joe and Tom discuss strategies for meeting both of their needs. They come up with: ■  Joe could reprioritize Tom’s work so that Tom completes other work the next week and he has time to complete the report Friday before his meeting ■  Tom could work over the weekend and deliver the report to Joe by 10 am on Monday ■  Joe and Tom could find someone else to finish this report ■  Joe and Tom could find someone to take on Tom’s other work ■  Joe could do the report himself Had Joe and Tom failed to devise alternative strategies for meeting all needs, their conver- sation would have likely degenerated into an unproductive conflict about who was going to lose. EXERCISE: Identify Goal and Strategies 61. Choose a goal that is challenging and perhaps for which there isn’t an obvious strategy and identify several strategies. 62. Next, choose a goal that has a seemingly obvious strategy for accomplishing the goal. 63. Now identify at least two other, not-so-obvious strategies for achieving the goal. Ask a colleague for help. Notice how there are often many strategies for accomplishing your goal. TIP 52: Ask Good Questions. Use good questions to help filter the goals and needs of a situation from the possible strategies for achieving the goals. Do this before you focus on potential solutions or strategies or selecting a strategy for resolving the situation. This increases the likelihood of an efficient and effective process by fostering a collaborative dynamic as well as reassuring both parties that their needs are important and will likely be met. TIP 53: Shift the Dynamic. You don’t have to be the nominative leader to use this technique: use questions to focus colleagues on goals any time the goals are unclear, commu- nication is unproductive, or when colleagues seem defensive or closed to others’ suggestions. You have the power to shift the dynamic and focus the conversation by asking good questions. 41

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Slow Down To Speed Up People are more effective when they deliberately choose their response to a stimulus. Merely reacting to a stimulus without pausing to reflect often results in regrets, entrenchment in one’s position (because, of course, the other person is wrong), and dysfunctional work relationships. The Win-Win Conversation Model sets forth the steps necessary to pause and reflect so that you are able to make deliberate, effective choices leading to better results. In other words, you’ll learn to slow down so you can speed up. TIP 54: Pause and Reflect. Introverts tend to “pause” more readily, especially if they also prefer Feeling and Perception. Introverted Feeling Perceivers are hard-wired to check in with their values and determine how they feel. Introverted Thinking Perceivers will pause to check in with their Thinking function to analyze accordingly. Pausing can be a challenge for Extraverted Judgers and Extraverted Sensing Perceivers because they are hard-wired to be in action. Preferences aside, all Types benefit from pausing to reflect and then making a deliber- ate choice to respond in a Win-Win manner. TIP 55: Clear the Air. If you know you tend to avoid conflict and let issues fester, you may have to push yourself to respond so that you can clear the air. Feelers are more likely to expe- rience avoidance unless they are practiced at confronting issues. Feelers tend to be motivated to address conflict in order to preserve the relationship. INFPs and ISFPs are often most chal- lenged in this regard because they prefer the inner world and, when extraverting, prefer to “go with the flow” rather than confront issues. Thinkers typically are more comfortable addressing objective issues such as the failings of another’s work product than deeply emotional issues. 42

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Win-Win Is Not Wimpy With all this talk of feelings and needs, some have asked if Win-Win is wimpy. Well, is it? We don’t think so. The purpose of using The Win-Win Conversation Model principles and process to have difficult conversations and negotiations is to find the Win-Win. That is, to find a strategy that works for both parties so that you (or your client) get what you need. There is nothing wimpy about getting what you need. Seasoned negotiators know that unless each person gets their needs met to some degree, they don’t agree and neither person achieves his or her goals. Let’s take a deeper dive into why this is so. Unless you clarify your goals and needs, and dis- tinguish them from strategies, how can you possibly know which strategies will meet your needs and why? How can you remain open to all viable solutions? It’s extremely difficult. Moreover, when you are very clear about your needs, you can be direct and ask for what you need, without giving up ground. Each of the steps facilitate agreement on a Win-Win strategy. For example, stating the facts neutrally, without judgment, and concisely, helps you avoid fueling bad feelings and defen- siveness. TIP 56: Unmet Needs, Not People, Cause Feelings. Clarifying your own feelings regarding a particular goal, and recognizing that it’s the unmet need or goal that causes the feelings, not the other person’s actions or inactions, is critical to depersonalizing any problem and being more effective in resolving problems. TIP 57: Even “No” Is a Step Towards Agreement. Making requests in a way that agreement (or lack of it) is clear, facilitates direct conversation about the strategies. Even a clear “no” propels the conversation forward; every “no” is an opportunity to ask clarifying questions about what doesn’t work and why, increasing awareness and the ability to develop options that work for both parties. 43

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL When There Is A Problem When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems. - Stephen Covey Your mindset affects how you react to problems, criticisms, and other interpersonal challeng- es. If your mindset is Win-Lose, you will likely assign blame. If your mindset is Win-Win, you will likely be aware of your own as well as others’ feelings and needs, which lays the founda- tion for effective problem solving. Consider the example below. Example: The Lowly Associate. Dana is a tax associate at a law firm. Dana has just been asked to cover for a more senior lawyer, Angela, at the firm. The firm has worked on this matter for several months, and earlier this morning Dana was asked by Angela, the lead on the case, to meet with Dana in her stead to discuss an upcoming negotiation. The focus of the meeting is the tax matters. Dana doesn’t know much about the issues of the case, but she does understand and is prepared to advise on the tax matters Dana is talking with the client’s General Counsel about the tax issues when the client’s CEO walks in and starts asking a lot of questions for which she doesn’t know the answer. The CEO then says: “What kind of lawyer are you? You don’t know the first thing about my case!” Dana is very upset. She always worries whether the partners and clients are satisfied with her work and doesn’t want to lose her job. Dana’s Possible Reactions: Blame self: “I should know more about this case. I should have read the files more closely. I never seem to know enough. I wonder if I am going to lose my job over this.” 44

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Blame the other: “This guy has some nerve. I am just covering for the partner, who is on vacation! Why doesn’t he save his criticism for Angela, who is his primary point of contact and is ultimately responsible, instead of taking it out on me? What a jerk!” Aware of own feelings and needs: “When I hear what he is saying now, I feel irritated because I am wanting some understanding for the fact that I just reviewed the case for the first time and I am only an associate and not even the primary point of contact.” Aware of the CEO’s feelings and needs: “I am guessing that this man is feeling frustrat- ed because he is concerned about meeting this quarter’s goals.” TIP 58: Adopting the New Paradigm. It can be more difficult for certain Types to adopt the New Paradigm of Awareness. These Types tend to prefer Judging or have introverted Thinking or Feeling as their dominant function (ISTP, ISFP, INTP, INFP). This is an opportu- nity to “flex” to Perception, that is, stay open to information. TIP 59: Use the Model. The advantage of this model is that it takes much of the guesswork out of having challenging conversations. You know the elements of the conversation so you can prepare. Thinking and Judging Types (ISTJ, INTJ, ENTJ, ESTJ) appreciate how The Win-Win Conversation Model makes communication, which is typically fraught with nuance, more black- and-white. This is because “TJs” typically have little patience for discussions that are likely to cause others to exhibit heightened emotions. 45

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL TIP 60: Black and White. Use The Win-Win Conversation Model to “T” things up. Thinkers appreciate a black-and-white process for having uncomfortable conversations and making requests. Feelers, on the other hand, are often uncomfortable asking others to meet their needs. Feelers also appreciate using a process so that it is clear that they are in fact making a request and not a demand. Example: Too Late. On Friday afternoon Oscar told his assistant, Elizabeth, that they needed to get a report to Christine, the communications director, by the next Friday. The following Thursday, Oscar gave the report to Elizabeth with a few minor changes. He told her to make the changes and send it out the next day. Oscar had also given Elizabeth several other projects, including a high profile project for the president, on which he was very focused. Monday rolls around and Elizabeth sends Christine the report, copying Oscar. This is the first that Oscar knows of the report going out late. He is stunned! He assumed the report went out Friday. In fact, the truth is that he forgot about the report until he saw the email. Oscar is upset because he is trying to work more closely with Christine and is worried about the impression the late report created. He thinks that Christine probably didn’t notice or may not have even cared that she didn’t receive the report until Monday, but he cares because he wants Christine to know she can rely on him. In fact, he’s trying to gain her support so she chooses him for a special project. Oscar decides to address the issue with Elizabeth by creating a Win-Win Conversation. Oscar says: Step 1: State the Facts: “Last week we told Christine we would send her the report. I saw you sent it on Monday.” Step 2: State Feelings: “I was concerned . . .” Step 3: State Needs/Goals: “because I need to make a good impression on Christine.” Step 4: Make a Request: “Next time, we are going to miss a deadline, would you be willing to let me know before we miss the deadline?” Step 5: Elizabeth: “Sure, no problem!” OR, what if Elizabeth had said “No.”? Oscar’s next step is to use his awareness of others, the “inner loop,” to understand Elizabeth’s needs and possibly make another request. In this instance, Oscar could respond, “Tell me why this doesn’t work for you.” Elizabeth says: “If I had known it was that big a deal, I would have stayed late and finished it. I know you’ll just do the work if I don’t and I don’t want that. What I need help with is understanding priorities and when deadlines are deadlines. My impression was that it wasn’t that important to Christine and that Monday was fine. Would you be willing to let me know when a deadline is truly a deadline?” Alternative Step 5: Oscar: “Elizabeth, I really appreciate your commitment and support. I’ll be more clear in the future. If I forget, just ask!” 46

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Win-Win Principles The Law Of Win-Win Says, ‘Let’s Not Do It Your Way Or My Way; Let’s Do It The Best Way’. - Greg Anderson Self Awareness: become aware of your feelings, needs, and goals so that you are more likely to get what you need. Awareness of Others: become aware of others’ feelings, needs, and goals so that you can find a solution that truly works for you and others. Requests: make requests that are clearly understood and heard as a request rather than as a demand so that collaborations are more effective. Choose to Respond: respond deliberately rather than habitually react to prevent regrets and get better results. All Needs Met: focus on getting all needs met, not on whether you are right or wrong (Win-Lose). TIP 61: Needs Over Strategy. By focusing on STRATEGY you can often create a Win-Lose situation and argue. By focusing on all NEEDS first, you can create a Win-Win. This is because distinguishing needs first allows you and your colleagues to identify goals so that you and your colleagues can then work together to devise a strategy that meets all or most of these collective goals. TIP 62: Choose to Win. Waiting to respond may be more challenging for Extraverts, es- pecially if they also prefer Judging, because they want to control and manage the extraverted world, meaning the world of people, doing, and things, immediately. Moreover, the shift from finding the “right answer” can be a challenge for people who prefer Judging or have as their dominant function introverted Thinking or Feeling (ISTP, ISFP, INTP, INFP). Be intentional about waiting to respond and then choose to have a Win-Win Conversation. TIP 63: Big Picture. Win-Win, particularly the focus on distinguishing strategy from needs, helps Sensors, especially those with iNtuition as their inferior function (ESFP, ESTP, ISTJ, ISFJ), see and appreciate the big picture. TIP 64: Prioritize Needs. Sometimes all needs can’t be met, and all you can do is get all needs on the table, listen to one another’s concerns, and prioritize so that you can make tough choices. Notwithstanding, your results will be better if you listen to others’ needs, treat them as important, and try to meet them. Not only might you surprise yourself and meet more needs than you thought possible, but you will be much more likely to have the support of your colleagues if they feel heard and their needs considered. Win-Win Critical Distinctions At the foundation of Win-Win are four critical distinctions. Failure to use these distinctions – to notice when you are confusing judgments with observations, feelings with evaluations mas- querading as feelings, needs with strategies, or requests with demands – will undermine the effective collaboration and problem-solving. So remember, the difference between: 47

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL OBSERVATIONS versus Judgments FEELINGS versus Evaluations masquerading as feelings NEEDS versus Strategies REQUESTS versus Demands The Individual Steps Step 1: Neutrally and without judgment, state the concrete actions you observed. Step 2: Be aware of (and state) how you feel in relation to what you observe. Step 3: Be aware of (and state) the unmet need, value, desire, or goal that created the feeling. Step 4: Request the concrete actions you desire. Step 5: Agree on and implement strategy. 48

WIN-WIN: State the Facts Step 1 The most difficult thing in any negotiation, almost, is making sure that you strip it of the emotion and deal with the facts. - Howard Baker The purpose of our guidance on stating facts is to help you avoid escalating tense situations. The key is to neutrally and without judgment, state the concrete actions you observed. Do not editorialize, evaluate, judge or express an opinion about what happened. This is harder than it seems. And, because it is important to create a solution that works for both you and your colleague, focusing on nitty-gritty facts is likely to engender defensiveness and distract you and your colleague from finding a solution before you even get started. When stating the facts, remember: ■  Just the facts, ■  Like a movie camera, ■  Avoid judgment, and ■  Be concise. Example: The Lowly Associate. (cont’d from p. 44) To state the facts, Dana would say: “The firm has worked on this matter for several months, and earlier this morning I was asked by Angela, the lead, to meet with you in her stead to discuss the upcoming negotiation. I do not know every issue, but am prepared to advise you on the tax matters that are the focus of the hearing.” Example: Too Late. (cont’d from p. 46) To state the facts, Oscar would say, as he did, “Last week we told Christine we would send her the report. I saw you sent it on Monday.” TIP 65: Just the Facts. Judgers’ strength is assessing information and coming to closure. Thus, eliminating judgment and stating “just the facts” can be challenging. All Types can have difficulty identifying feelings in the moment because there are often a number of feelings present. Practice is the key to success. 49

WIN-WIN: State the Facts What Are You Making It Mean? ■  Notice what is purely factual ■  Notice the embedded judgments EXERCISE: State the Facts 64. Describe a situation that you found frustrating or upsetting; be colorful. Next, neutrally and without judgment, briefly describe something unpleasant that happened to you. What did you notice? Was it difficult to describe just the facts? If so, why? 65. The next time you anticipate having a conversation in which the other person is likely to be defensive, use the principles of Step 1 to state the facts briefly, neutrally and without judgment. TIP 66: Key to Neutrality. The following techniques can help you deliver a neutral message: ■  Use “could” instead of “should” or “should not” or state what would have “worked better” or have been “more effective.” ■  State “It would have worked for me if you had . . .” Or, for example, “The way you drafted this section of the memo didn’t work because . . . “ TIP 67: Raising Difficult Issues. There are times when you will want to let someone know that his or her behavior didn’t work for you and that you are angry. Stating the facts neutrally, without judgment, and concisely, before stating that the person said or did something that made you uncomfortable, will often stop the person in his or her tracks and even result in an apology and a constructive conversation. TIP 68: Apologizing Gracefully. We can find ourselves in situations in which we want to apologize and aren’t sure how. Perhaps you dismissed a person’s idea in a meeting or reacted poorly to it. Describe what happened, including your reaction, using neutral language and then apologize. For example, “Yesterday, when you offered X strategy, I dismissed it without thinking. I apologize.” You may also add what you wish you had done, “It was a good idea and I wish we had pursued it. Tell me more about it.” 50

WIN-WIN: State the Facts The Ladder Of Inference TIP 69: Differentiate Observation from Belief. Recognize the difference between what really happened and the meaning you are attributing. Notice when you are climbing the Ladder of Inference and step back down. When you climb the ladder you run the risk of acting based on inaccurate and counterproductive assumptions. TIP 70: 10 Million Bits of Data Per Second. Don’t be hard on yourself when you climb the Ladder of Inference; just notice and step back down. It is nearly impossible not to make assumptions. The human retina can transmit nearly 10 million bits of data per second1. If you truly analyzed every bit and made no assumptions, your brain would be overwhelmed. Thus, you are hard-wired to make assumptions, just notice what you are doing and that your assumptions might be wrong. 1 University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, “Penn researchers calculate how much the eye tells the brain.” 26 July 2006. 51

WIN-WIN: State the Facts TIP 71: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Beware of the “self-fulfilling prophecy.” How you view others can affect how they perform. This is because others sense how you view them by picking up on seemingly meaningless actions such as looking at your iPhone when they are talking or looking away when they speak at meetings. This phenomenon is known as the “Pygmalion Effect,” in which the greater the expectation placed upon people, the better they perform. The converse is true: If you expect someone will fail, they are more likely to. TIP 72: Prove Your Assumptions Wrong. If you know that you’ve climbed up the ladder and are having difficulty seeing anything other than the assumptions you’ve made about a person, look for evidence that your assumptions are wrong. This will help you achieve a more accurate view of the person. TIP 73: Describe Actions. Be sure to describe the facts – your colleague’s actions – not the person. You want to avoid sounding as though you are judging your colleague as incompetent or inconsiderate, for example. TIP 74: Share Conclusions/Judgments. You’ve distinguished facts from evaluations/ conclusions. How can you best share your conclusions or concerns with others? The key is to express your conclusions or concerns as a conclusion or question and not a fact. For example, your new associate is regularly late for work and takes long lunches. You are starting to question his commitment to the job and wonder if you made a mistake. You decide to find out what is really going on. You say, “Steve, I have noticed that you have been coming in late and taking longer than normal lunch breaks. I am a little concerned that you aren’t committed to your job.” Steve responds, “I have been meaning to talk to you about my schedule. I have been having a hard time with my 3-year old in the morning. He doesn’t want to go to nursery school in morning. At lunch, I have been running over there to see him, which seems to help. I have been staying up late to get things done. Is my work up to your standards?” You respond, “I didn’t realize you’ve been having trouble with your son. It sounds like the problem is relatively short term and that you are managing your time to get everything done.” Remember that expressing your concern is about balance. You want to be direct in asking the question that both expresses a concern and proves the validity of the concern but not wishy- washy so that your colleague doesn’t understand you. TIP 75: Ask for Help. Asking a colleague for help in understanding “what is going on” will help you to understand your colleague’s beliefs about the world that are shaping your colleague’s behavior. For example, your colleague may be holding views that disempower or foreclose valid options. 52

WIN-WIN: State the Facts Beware Of Interpreting Behavior All we see is a colleague’s behavior. Consider that feelings and needs are like an anchor line and anchor; we don’t see them because they are under the surface, but they certainly affect the behavior. ■  Notice behavior and then notice your embedded judgments – what are you making the behavior mean? ■  Ask yourself: “What else could be going on? ■  If your answer puts another in a very negative light, ask again until you come up with an answer that makes you feel more positive towards the other person. ■  Note that you may not fully understand the (unmet) need. TIP 76: It’s All in the Interpretation. Remember the Ladder of Inference? We all interpret other’s behavior; we do so to be effective. To be more effective, distinguish between a person’s actions, what you are making it mean, and what might be his or her underlying (unmet) needs. Such critical thinking can lead to insight that will allow you to become more aware of colleague’s feelings and needs and can prevent you from inaccurately assuming motives that are not present. Assuming a nefarious motive never helps a situation. Moreover, you are likely to be wrong. 53

WIN-WIN: State the Facts TIP 77: Motive. Let’s focus a minute on motive. Motive is the need, goal, or reason for taking a particular action. Now consider that there are 16 Types as well as a whole host of factors that could be influencing a colleague’s priorities. Different Types are likely to have different priorities and therefore goals and motives. In identifying another’s motives or needs, take into consideration his or her Type. If you don’t know his or her Type, notice the ways in which your colleague seems to differ from you and take those differences into account when assessing motives and goals. You risk making a mistake (and likely assuming nefarious motives) if you attribute your own hard-wiring and motives to your colleague. Most of us do this unconsciously. A solution is to consider the range of possible motives or needs, especially if your first guess is negative. A Word About Your Choice Of Words ■  Avoid stating conclusions – stick to the facts. ■  When sharing concerns or conclusions, avoid loaded words such as “should”, “shouldn’t”, and “inconsiderate”. ■  Notice how your perspective, feelings, and needs shape your conclusions. TIP 78: Consider Word Choice. The words in the table on page 55 demonstrate how the same behavior can be characterized both negatively (right-hand column) and positively (left-hand column). The words in the right-hand column are likely to offend. The words in the left-hand column are likely to be perceived in a positive light. If you choose to characterize a colleague’s behavior in the context of giving constructive feedback or working through a problem, using the language in the right-hand column will likely trigger defensiveness. Using the language in the left-hand column will more likely result in better communication and openness. 54

WIN-WIN: State the Facts Collaborative Distancing Dedicated Obsessive Multi-tasking Unfocused Direct Mean Careful Stuck Reflective Unengaged Collaborative Hog-the-airtime Think outside the box Half-baked Considers all the facts Indecisive Quick-witted Sarcastic Practical Limited High-energy Tightly-wound Considerate Touchy-feely Trusting Gullible Loyal Blind Quick to act Rash Flexible Wishy-washy Tolerant Uncaring Adaptable Spineless Open to change Inconsistent Supportive Self-sacrificing Modest Self-effacing Devoted Subservient Helpful Smothering Risk taker Gambler Experimenter Aimless Persevering Stubborn Analytical Nit-picking Principled Unbending Self-confident Arrogant Competitive Combative Socializer Needy Methodical Rigid Ambitious Ruthless Cautious Suspicious Forthright Abrasive Reserved Cold Assertive Dictatorial 55

WIN-WIN: Be Aware of (and State) Feelings Step 2 Awareness in itself is always clear, capable of reflecting anything, even misconceptions about itself. - Mingyur Rinpoche Addressing difficult situations with aplomb requires that you deliberately choose your response rather than react. It requires that you be aware of your own feelings, which are how you feel in relation to what happened that did or didn’t meet your needs. Remember that it’s an unmet need, not a person, that causes an unpleasant feeling. You can choose to state your feelings or not, depending on the situation. ■  Feelings are emotions such as concern, overwhelm, and frustration. ■  Be sure to avoid evaluations masquerading as feelings, such as: •  “I feel that you are completely wrong,” which is obviously an evaluation. •  “I feel pressured,” which implies that someone is pressuring you. Examples of Phrases: “I am concerned.” “I am frustrated.” “I am overwhelmed by what we need to accomplish by next week.” AVOID Evaluations Masquerading as Feelings ■  “I feel criticized.” “Criticized” is an evaluation. The feeling could be “in pain,”“scared,” “anxious,” “frustrated,” “angry” or “embarrassed.” ■  “I am overworked.” “Overworked” is also an evaluation. The feeling could be “angry,” “tired” or “frustrated.” Deal With Your Own Defensiveness There are times when you will have to deal with your own defensiveness to create a Win-Win Conversation. The keys are, when possible, to ■  Anticipate when you are likely to feel defensive. ■  Prepare. ■  Stay curious; don’t assume that you know what the other person will say or even wants to talk to you about. ■  Reflect /Don’t be pushed into making decisions before you are ready. ■  Ask yourself: “What am I making it mean?” 56

WIN-WIN: Be Aware of (and State) Feelings TIP 79: Anticipate. There are certain situations that you know will be challenging and trigger your defensiveness. You’ve either already had a similar conversation many times and see the pattern or you think you are walking into a situation in which you will be criticized. In either case, preparation will help you deal with your feelings. First, identify what you think you will hear that will likely give rise to defensiveness. TIP 80: Prepare. Prepare for challenging situations by identifying what you want from the conversation and why it is important. TIP 81: Stay Curious. The key is to keep yourself from reacting to or judging what you are hearing. Instead, stay curious (in Type terms, use your perception functions, not your judging functions). Try to figure out what is important to your colleague. What is your colleague truly saying and what does this reveal about feelings and needs? Put yourself in your colleague’s shoes: What are his or her feelings and needs? It might surprise you. Staying curious may be more challenging for certain Judging Types, especially those that also prefer Extroversion. TIP 82: Reflect/Don’t Be Pushed. If you are in a situation in which you feel pushed to agree or make a decision, don’t. Rather, let others know that you need to think about the issue or check with your colleagues. TIP 83: Meaning. “What am I making it mean?” When you hear something that triggers you, distinguish between what was actually said and what you are making it mean. If you are walking into a situation in which you suspect you will have to deal with your own defensive- ness, prepare by identifying what you think you will make it mean so that you will more likely be able to distinguish what is said from what you fear your colleague means. Then, while you are having the conversation: ■  try to distinguish what is said from what you are making it mean; ■  realize that you might be wrong and that alternative explanations exist; then ■  stay curious and listen for the other person’s feelings and needs. When There Is A Problem When there is a problem, you have two options: ■  You can either let it go, or ■  Address it •  Identify own and others’ feelings & needs; •  Distinguish strategy from needs; •  Look for solutions that meet all needs. Don’t hold onto it! Holding onto issues causes stress, and is a sign that you have slipped into the Win-Lose paradigm of guilt, blame, and anger. 57

WIN-WIN: Be Aware of (and State) Feelings PAUSE: Use Self-Awareness To Respond More Effectively ■  Identify your feelings, needs, and goals. ■  Distinguish observation from judgment. ■  Be compassionate with yourself. ■  Identify your triggers so that you can be ready and choose to respond more productively. ■  Now you can choose your response. When having a Win-Win Conversation, you will often keep what you’ve learned to yourself. It is not always comfortable, necessary, or appropriate to share your feelings and needs. The greatest benefit of being self-aware is that you are in a better position to create the result you want. Example: The Lowly Associate. (cont’d from p. 44) Consider the example in which the CEO yells at Dana for not having all of the answers. Imagine she reacts without pausing. Such a reaction might include: ■  Saying nothing and storming off. ■  Yelling back at the CEO, “You’re impossible to work with! No wonder no one likes working with you!” ■  Stating, “Fine, I won’t work on your matter at all. You’ll have to wait for Angela to get back before anything gets done!” Becoming more self-aware requires that you pause to reflect so that you can instead answer more productively, in a manner that you won’t regret. For example, “I know you are concerned (the feeling) about the outcome (the need) of this case. I assure you that Angela and I are in constant communication and her absence won’t affect the proceedings.” TIP 84: I’m Upset and It’s Personal. If you are upset about a personal matter and know that others can see it and are either uncomfortable or concerned, its often better to acknowl- edge your feelings than try to ignore them. Let your colleagues know that you’ve received bad news and are dealing with it. You don’t owe anyone more of an explanation than that. And, especially if you are the person’s manager, it will help the person to know that you are not upset with him or her. This builds trust, thereby enhancing collaboration. TIP 85: Foster Self-Awareness In Others. Be open and ask others what is below the waterline causing them stress. It could be a new project, an impending deadline, or a difficult client or colleague. Regular check-ins foster self-awareness and create opportunities for support and better outcomes. 58

WIN-WIN: Be Aware of (and State) Needs Step 3 Negotiation in the classic diplomatic sense assumes parties more anxious to agree than to disagree. - Dean Acheson Needs can run quite deep: support, friendship, and trust, for example. Needs can be more goal or task oriented: a memo by a certain date, to get to the airport, or to attend a particular meeting. Needs can also be a value such as integrity, purpose, or harmony. It is critical that you be aware of your needs so that you can separate the person from the problem or unmet need. In order to remain calm under pressure, have executive presence, and be the best leader you can be, you must recognize that: ■  It’s the unmet need that created your feeling, not another’s actions or failures; and ■  Be able to distinguish the unmet need from your desire to implement a particular strategy. Moreover, you must be aware of your needs to work towards a Win-Win strategy. How can you possibly devise a solution that gets your needs met if you haven’t identified your needs? Distinguish Needs from Strategy Let’s explore the connection between unmet needs/goals and feelings. Think of a time when a need wasn’t met. Perhaps you asked a colleague to lend his or her expertise to a project and at the last minute the colleague was called out of town for a family emergency and couldn’t help you. You feel some combination of upset, frustration, anger, and concern that you won’t produce a great work product on time. If your mindset is win-lose, you blame your colleague for your feelings and for the poor results. You may even carry this resentment into future collaborations. Now consider adopting a Win-Win mindset that focuses on whether both of your needs are met. Assume your colleague’s need to support family was met. However, your need for support, help, expertise, and/or knowledge hasn’t been met. Recognizing that it is the fact that these needs are unmet allows you to: ■  Separate the person from the problem; ■  Focus on finding other strategies for meeting these needs; and ■  Maintain a good working relationship with your colleague. 59

WIN-WIN: Be Aware of (and State) Needs Thus, when times are tough, when you are under stress, when you are disappointed or frustrat- ed, it’s the perfect time to shift your mindset to Win-Win so that you are able to constructively focus on getting needs met rather than who is to blame. It’s often difficult to distinguish the unmet need from your desire for a particular strategy to be executed. When you are laser focused, you can be myopically focused on how to satisfy that need or achieve the goal rather than on the goal itself. This phenomenon often clouds judgment about the alternative strategies for meeting needs and satisfying goals, frustrating collaboration and creative problem solving. The remedy? When you find yourself laser focused on a strategy, judging others as wrong for not doing what you need them to do, ask yourself: “Am I focused on the strategy or goal?” If your answer is the latter, move on to Step 4: Make A Request; your mindset in Win-Win. If your answer is the former, pause to distinguish your needs from strategy and then move to Step 4. Example: The Lowly Associate. (cont’d from p. 44 Dana): “When I hear what he is saying now, I am irritated because I want some understanding for the fact that I just reviewed the matter for the first time and am not even the primary point of contact.” EXERCISE: Awareness of Self Refer to Appendix A and B for lists of Feelings and Needs (p.163 and p.164) 66. State (i) how you felt when a need was met; and (ii) the need that was met: 67. State (i) how you felt when a need was unmet; and (ii) the unmet need: 68. What did you learn about yourself and your needs? 60

WIN-WIN: Make A Request Step 4 An objection is not a rejection; it is simply a request for more information. - Bo Bennett The purpose of Step 4 is to make requests that are truly heard as requests and not as demands. Even when one says “please,” the request isn’t always heard as a request. When requesting the concrete actions you desire ■  Remember that your request is just one of a number of strategies for getting all needs met ■  Requests must be specific, doable, and positive ■  Request, don’t demand - instead, use the phrase: Would you be willing to…? Example Phrase: “Would you be willing to give me a brief overview of the financials you just referenced?” EXERCISE: Make a Request Step 1: Facts - state the facts neutrally and without judgment Step 2: Feelings - be aware of (and possibly state) your feelings about the unmet need Step 3: Needs/Goals - be aware of (and possibly state) your needs/goals Step 4: Request the concrete actions you desire Your request must be specific, doable, and positive Making a request generally includes four steps. All but Step 4 is optional, however. In other words, you can simply use the phrase “Would you be willing to . . .?” TIP 86: Clarify. To ensure that there is in fact an agreement as to a strategy, restate or “mirror” what you have just heard or ask the other person to restate the agreement. For example, “You would like me to complete the report Wednesday and the slides by noon on Thursday, right?” and “Just so we’re on the same page, what is your understanding of what we agreed to?”. TIP 87: Never Demand. What if you know that there is only one person for the job? Do you still make a request? Our recommendation is that you follow one of two strategies. First, you could make a request. The response to your request might surprise you by revealing an alternative strategy. And, if not, you are more likely to find out what might be competing for 61

WIN-WIN: What If Your Colleague Responds “No” your colleague’s time and can adjust his or her priorities accordingly. Second, you can tell your colleague (likely a direct report) to complete a task by a certain time and ask what is in the way of completing the task so that you can re-prioritize the other work. In either case, and especially if you are working with a direct report, it is your responsibility to prioritize. Don’t just tell your direct report that he or she has to get it all done without ac- knowledging that you are asking for extra work. This side steps the real issue, which is that, at least in the short term, you are asking your direct report to make personal sacrifices to complete all of the work. You need to own this to avoid resentment and keep communication open and honest. TIP 88: Making Requests. Using Win-Win helps Feelers be more comfortable making requests than they would otherwise be because a Win-Win request is more likely to be heard as a request rather than a demand. Thinkers benefit from using Win-Win requests, especially with Feelers, because their requests are more likely to be heard as requests. Use Awareness Of Others To Find The Win-Win The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority. - Kenneth Blanchard Imagine that you’ve prepared for a con- versation with a colleague and you make a request. You’ve done everything right – stated the facts concisely and neutrally, even stated your feelings of concern and needs for greater communication and a plan, and asked “Would you be willing to . . .?” and your colleague has the audacity to say “No”! You have not failed! The Win-Win Con- versation Model works. In fact the Model contemplates and anticipates refusals on the road to an agreed upon strategy. Every “No” is an opportunity to become aware of your colleague’s feelings, needs and goals so that you each can make requests that will lead you to Step 5: Agree On Strategy. The “awareness loop” anticipates that when colleagues do not identify a mutually agreeable solution at the outset, they ask each other probing questions to gain insight with respect to the other’s feelings, needs, and goals. Remember, the goal is to identify a strategy that works for both colleagues and that may require not just an awareness of the other’s goals, but more understanding of feelings and deeper needs. 62

WIN-WIN: Awareness Of Others What If Your Colleague Responds “NO?” “NO” Opportunity for Awareness of Others Step 4: Make Another Request Step 5: Agree on Strategy The key is to listen for the need underneath your colleague’s “NO.” In other words, what is the need that would not be met by the strategy you proposed? Once you uncover this need, you can propose another strategy that you think will meet both your own and your col- league’s needs. TIP 89: How to Deal With a Refusal. When a colleague refuses a request, it is generally because something else is important to him or her, i.e., there is a need or goal that your proposed strategy frustrates. Identifying your colleague’s need or goal is necessary to devise a strategy that meets both your needs. Thus, every “no” to a request is a “yes” to something and an opportunity to become aware of your colleague’s feelings and needs so that you can make another request that will get to “yes” because it meets both of your needs. Overview Of Awareness Of Others ■  Guess others’ feelings, needs, and goals ■  The process provides perspective ■  Can be extremely valuable in the workplace ■  Can be silent or expressed Are you feeling…because you need…? 63

WIN-WIN: Awareness Of Others The Why and How of Awareness of Others Being aware of colleagues’ feelings and needs fosters more effective and efficient collabora- tion and problem solving because you can’t get to “yes” unless you meet your colleague’s needs and help him or her achieve his goals. In particular, when you absolutely need your colleague’s agreement on a strategy and find that person to be difficult, obstinate, defensive, and/argumentative, become aware of your colleague’s feelings, needs, and goals to foster agreement. For example, if you are trying to get the finance department to authorize a budget for a special project and all you hear are objections, step into the finance manager’s shoes and guess his or her feelings, needs, and goals: ■  Identify what he or she is concerned about, ■  Identify what he or she needs from the situation. You might learn that the finance manager ■  Has to persuade the CFO that your project is worthwhile, ■  Has been tasked with cutting 10% of all spending, ■  Has to negotiate across several departments to approve your type of projects. Once you’ve identified why the finance manager isn’t readily approving your project, you know how to support the manager in successfully dealing with those issues. And, with this perspective, you can ignore the manager’s protestations; they’re just noise that you don’t want to distract from what’s truly important: achieving both of your goals. It often fosters collaboration to articulate your awareness of your colleague’s feeling and needs by stating: Are you feeling ... because you need ...? In this example, you might say to the Finance Manager: “Are you concerned because you need to reduce 10% of all spending and you think that this project will make it harder to make such reduction?” Note that you will likely not use the word “feeling,” but rather simply state the feeling as in the foregoing example. Finally, you won’t always articulate your colleague’s feeling, needs, and goals, but signaling that they are important by focusing on meeting your colleague’s needs and goals, will usually get you to your own goals more quickly. TIP 90: Cultivate Your Executive Presence. Colleagues feel energized and better about themselves when they interact with those who have Executive Presence. Why? Because such a leader or colleague slows down enough to understand, focus on and be aware of what others are feeling and needing. This type of leader or colleague makes others feel valued and, accord- ingly, inspires them to do their best work. 64

WIN-WIN: Awareness Of Others TIP 91: Probe Further. There may be times when a colleague agrees to a request but you sense hesitation. Especially if you are that person’s supervisor, it is best not to accept that person’s “yes,” but instead to probe. You can say, “You sound a little reluctant. Are you sure this works for you?” The reason you want to know whether the “yes” is a true “yes” is to avoid problems later with either resentment or poor performance because your colleague didn’t have enough time, knowledge, or resources. TIP 92: Be Columbo. When you are trying to understand a colleague’s feelings, needs, and what is really going on, let him or her talk it out. If you remember the old TV detective show, Columbo, think about how Detective Columbo got others to tell him everything by not knowing the answer and by being patient and curious. Be Columbo. TIP 93: Actively Listen. Often if there is a conflict it works best to let your colleague talk first, especially if the colleague is upset. You want your colleague to “get it off his or her chest” and focus on having a productive conversation. Moreover, when you listen first, you have a better sense of your colleague’s feelings and needs and are more likely to be able to propose a strategy that meets both of your needs. TIP 94: Check Your Intuition. You will likely have a gut feeling about what is really going on. While you want to rely on your gut for insight, don’t forget to paraphrase to be sure you’ve got it right. Regardless of whether you are right, you will gain understanding and so will your colleague because your colleague will consider what you’ve said and agree or disagree. TIP 95: Take a Step Back. When an issue is important to you, consider backing off and letting your colleague express his or her needs first. This is because your colleague is more likely to be able to really listen and understand your needs if he or she has expressed them- selves first. TIP 96: Venters and Screamers. Some people scream or vent when they are upset. Sometimes typically calm people will surprise you by venting or screaming when upset. It rarely works to tell the upset person to calm down. In fact, that often further upsets the person or results in the person feeling that you don’t understand or care about him or her. An effective strategy can be to let the person vent or scream for a little while with you offering signs that you understand his or her feelings. Examples include: “I know this is difficult.” “I am so sorry this happened.” “I can only imagine how frustrated (angry or disappointed) you must be.” Maintaining your own equanimity in the situation may be difficult, but will help you choose to respond to the person more effectively. Don’t feel that you have to fix anything or come up with a solution. Instead, ask the upset person, “what can I do to support (or help or fix this for) you?” Example: The Lowly Associate. (cont’d from p. 44) “I am guessing that the CEO is frus- trated because he is concerned that if the hearing goes poorly the company could go bankrupt.” 65

WIN-WIN: The Chilling Effects Of Hierarchy EXERCISE: Awareness of Others If you are practicing with a partner: 69. Think of a time when a colleague refused a request. What was the competing need? 70. Have your partner describe an experience he or she did not like. Guess his or her feelings and unmet needs and ask: I heard . . . did you feel . . . because you needed . . . For example, “It sounds as though the project is not going well; are you concerned because you need the team to succeed?” TIP 97: Build Awareness. How can you build awareness of others? First, focus on under- standing your own feelings and needs and their impact on your behavior and choices. You can develop this understanding by utilizing Type or other assessments such as EQ-I, reflection, and even journaling. Second, you can build awareness in low-risk situations, such as when you watch a movie or TV or when people-watching in a public place. Observe not just what is said, but what the speaker communicates about his or her feelings and needs through body language, tones, and facial expressions. Ask yourself, what is he or she feeling? What would you be feeling if you were doing and saying that, standing that way, knitting your brow that way? Discuss your evaluations with friends or colleagues if appropriate. Third, the most direct, but sometimes uncomfortable way, is to ask others what their feelings and needs are. Be sure to pause to listen to their replies – don’t formulate your response or counterargument while listening. The goal is to increase awareness, which means under- standing and expressing curiosity about another’s’ feelings and needs. Often merely asking telegraphs that you care about the other person and whether his or her needs are met. The goal is not to evaluate whether the feelings and needs are appropriate; doing so would be a sign that you have slipped into the Win-Lose Paradigm. The Chilling Effects Of Hierarchy Power over others is weakness disguised as strength. - Eckhart Tolle Have you ever sensed something was wrong but were told that everything is “okay”? It’s not that your colleague is lying to you, really, it’s that the colleague doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable about feelings or unmet needs. This is more likely to occur when you are the person’s boss. So what do you do? First, think about how you are when things are not going well. Are you short-tempered or short with colleagues? Do you withdraw? Do others feel uncomfortable around you? Or, do you express yourself in a manner that doesn’t hide your upset, but doesn’t blame the other person, and, ultimately, focuses on fixing the problem? 66

WIN-WIN: The Chilling Effects Of Hierarchy It makes sense that subordinates refrain from being candid about their feelings and needs. They are typically concerned that because the higher-up has power and control over their future, the higher-up will be less likely to promote, give a bonus to, or give the choice projects to them if they say anything that could be construed as weakness, not being perfect (and who is?!), having made a mistake, or not being up to the job. Thus, if you are someone’s supervisor and truly want open communication, you must create a safe environment to encourage such communication. How do you do this? TIP 98: Help Your Colleagues Stay Off the Ladder of Inference. Be open about how you work, noting what you do when you are stressed. For example, do you forget and therefore ask several times in a short period of time about the status of projects? If so, let your report know that you do this because you are stressed and NOT because you think he or she is not working quickly enough. In other words, guess the meaning they are adding, and dispel it. Some people swear when they are stressed – if you do this, say so upfront, and remind them when you are in the moment. TIP 99: Debrief When Projects Don’t Go Well. After you’ve had time to reflect and gain perspective, talk about what went wrong and what you and your colleague can do to prevent a recurrence. This is accountability that is supportive. Ask, “What didn’t work?” “What did you need from me?” and “What else did you need in terms of resources or support?” TIP 100: Own Your Contribution To A Problem. Also, after you’ve had time to reflect, admit your own contribution to the problem. Did you fail to give clear directions? Were you too busy to check in? Did you assume your report knew what he or she was supposed to do, even though the type of project was new to him or her? TIP 101: Let The Person Off the Hook. When there has been a mistake or a project or feeling that the report “dropped the ball,” follow up by letting him or her know that you are not blaming, harboring any ill will, or views regarding their ability or commitment. Especially if the person is conscientious, he or she may still be regretting any perceived failure. TIP 102: Signal Openness. Be sure that when asking for input from others you signal openness. Consider a question such as “Is there anyone who’s not ready to move forward?” Most subordinates are going to think twice about offering input or expressing concerns because to admit that one is “not ready” is to arguably admit that one is inadequate or unprepared. A more encouraging way of asking the same basic question is “What are your concerns about this project?” TIP 103: Feeling Bullied? What if you think your boss is bullying you? Could he or she just be stressed and taking it out on you? Either way it is uncomfortable. Put yourself in your boss’ shoes: what are his or her goals, expectations, competing priorities, and frustrations? Show you are aware, even by offering to take a task off his or her plate and see what happens. Your boss might be feeling stressed and unsupported rather than truly bullying. 67

WIN-WIN: The Chilling Effects Of Hierarchy TIP 104: Different Operating Values. If you sense that a colleague is different than you (e.g., different Type or KAI style, for example), he or she will likely have different operating values than you, which means that his or her work style needs may differ. For example, he or she may value consistency of process, intellectual clarity, efficiency, or relationships above all else. TIP 105: Lead by Mandate, Not Title. Every boss has a title that bestows the “right” and obligation to direct others, make decisions, organize and instruct, and discipline. Great leaders lead well because their team wants them to lead. The person, not the title inspires team members. Through words and actions leaders cause employees to feel they work with, not for, a boss. Use collaborative, team-based language such is “us,” “we,” and “our.” Avoid “I,” “me,” and “mine” when referring to goals, accomplishments, and anything that requires support from team members. Invite Responsibility Through Collaboration Another downside to a strict hierarchy is that it fosters a Win-Lose mindset in which the boss holds the power to grant and share in the “goodies” and the underling must ask for his or her share. For example, if Roger the Report asks Barry the Boss for time off, the conversation typically sounds something like this: Roger: Can I take Friday off? I’d like to avoid the holiday traffic and leave Thursday night for the beach. Barry: I don’t know. Do you have any vacation time left? If instead Barry wants Roger to be responsible for the consequences of taking time off, that is, meeting the team’s goals, Barry might respond instead: Barry: Roger, what needs to be accomplished before Friday so that you can take Friday off? or Barry: Is there any reason that taking Friday off might not work? or Barry: What do you need to do to make that work? These types of questions engage Roger in developing a strategy that ensures that Roger fulfills his responsibilities to the team while taking the time off. In other words, if taking time off is solely for Barry to grant or decide, they aren’t creating a Win-Win result. This is because they haven’t worked to meet all needs. Roger can also ask for time off in a more self-empowering and collaborative manner. He could instead ask: Roger: I’d like to take next Friday off if it works for everyone. Is there any reason you can see that it might not work? 68 or

WIN-WIN: Deal With Defensiveness Roger: I’d like to work next Friday very early in the morning remotely instead of coming in. Does that work for you? The latter is a good example of proposing a strategy, thus demonstrating a focus on getting everyone’s needs met. My Needs Are Important, Aren’t They? Unfortunately, our colleagues don’t always acknowledge that our needs are important or even exist. When this happens it is extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Don’t hang onto it and become disengaged. This is an opportunity for you to practice both: ■  Awareness of self; and ■  Awareness of others. Ask yourself, what are you feeling and needing? You are likely disappointed and upset, perhaps because you need or would like understanding or support. Next, ask yourself, what your colleague is feeling and needing. Your colleague is likely stressed and worried because he or she needs to meet an important goal or is overwhelmed by multiple projects. The reason to practice awareness of others in these situations is for you, not your colleague. There is no reason to stay upset, angry, or resentful long term. Holding onto any of these emotions is like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. The bottom line is that you get to choose: ■  Do you want to get past these kinds of disappointments and stay engaged and fulfilled or would you rather be angry? Do Your Requests Work? Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. - Miguel Angel Ruiz When making a request, ask yourself: ■  Are you asking or demanding? ■  Are you asking in a way that can be heard? ■  How do you respond to “no”? •  Are you focused on just one strategy being “the right way”? •  Are you aware of your own and others’ feelings, needs, and goals? •  Are you experiencing guilt, blame, or judgment? If your answer to any of these questions gives you pause, you have a Win-Lose. Your next step is to slow down and reflect so that you can shift to Win-Win. This shift in mindset al- lows you to work together to identify a strategy that meets all needs. Remember, every “no” is a “yes” to another need; identify that need so that you can meet it along with yours. 69

WIN-WIN: Types Of Requests Types Of Requests Action Request: Quite simply, an action request is a request to do something that is specific, doable, and positive. An Action Request is made by asking: “Would you be willing to . . .” ■  “. . . commit to returning all client calls and emails within 24 hours of receipt?” ■  “. . . tell me five days in advance if you’re going to be out of the office for more than a day?” ■  “. . . prepare the agendas for staff meetings?” ■  “. . . give me authorization to start this project?” EXERCISE: Action Request Now you try. Think of a request for action that you’d like to make. Prepare by writing down the facts, your feelings, needs and goals, and finally your request. Next, say what you have written a few times out loud. Practice until it sounds natural and modify as necessary. Don’t be afraid to say, “Would you be willing to . . .?” While it may sound a little strange at first, it’s very effective. Step 1: Facts Step 2: Feelings Step 3: Needs and Goals Step 4: Request the concrete actions you desire Remember: Specific, Doable, and Positive! Process Request: A Process Request is a “check-in.” It allows you to confirm (i) that the other person heard and understood what you intended or (ii) how the other person is reacting to an event or conversation. When you make a Process Request, you ask a colleague to tell you: ■  What he or she heard you say, or ■  How he or she feels about what he or she heard Example: The Concerning Memo. Daphne, Joe’s supervisor, walks into Joe’s office with a 20-page memo he wrote last week. Daphne says, “Joe, I have some concerns about this memo. For example, I don’t think you have addressed all of the client’s concerns. In addition, I’m concerned you don’t understand the facts.” Joe sits silently. Daphne says, “Would you be willing to tell me how you’re feeling in response to what I just said?” 70

WIN-WIN: Types Of Requests EXERCISE: Process Request Anticipate when it would be helpful and appropriate to check in to confirm understanding, which is both helpful and appropriate most of the time, or to understand feelings. When the situation arises, make your process request. If you want to practice with a colleague or friend, ask that person to play the role of someone to whom you have to deliver a difficult message. Deliver the message, and ask your partner 71. “Would you be willing to tell me what you heard just now?” 72. “I am wondering how you feel, hearing what I have just said.” Finally, think of a time when what you said was not received as you intended. What do you think your colleague heard? How would he or she have answered the questions above? TIP 106: Uncomfortable Situations. We recommend using Process Requests whenever having a conversation that is uncomfortable. This is especially important if your colleague reports to you because a direct report is less likely to disclose concerns than a peer or superior. Data Collection Request: This is a request of your colleague that he or she spend time gathering data with you, typically on what is not working in the relationship or communication. This kind of request is particularly useful when you can tell something is wrong and can’t identify the problem. ■  Clarify feelings and/or needs when it is clear that there is a problem and the problem is ill-defined ■  A colleague is bothered by conduct, but cannot yet articulate what or why •  “Would you be willing to tell me the next time you feel this way in response to my actions?” •  “Would you be willing to spend 5 minutes exploring what isn’t working here?” EXERCISE: Data Collection Request Identify one to three circumstances in which making a Data Collection Request would enhance communication. Prepare by writing out what you will say. Practice by saying out loud what you wrote. When the time arises, make your Data Collection Request. Example: The Concerning Memo. Every time Daphne walks into Joe’s office to discuss Joe’s work, she notices that Joe sits with his arms folded, makes little eye contact, and adopts a clipped tone with her. She likes Joe and is committed to investing in his professional success and concerned that his demeanor gets in the way of him learning his job. Daphne walks into Joe’s office and asks, “Would you be willing to spend 5 minutes talking about what you hear when I give you feedback and about what I perceive during the process?” 71

WIN-WIN: Types Of Requests TIP 107: Start with Commitment. When having difficult conversations, it often helps to begin the conversation with what you are committed to that is a benefit for your colleague or the organization. For example, “I’m committed to helping you grow and get promoted, and I’d like to discuss the process of receiving constructive feedback.” Request Tips ■  Be aware of your feelings, needs, and goals ■  Articulate exactly what you need so others can respond directly to your request ■  Be brief ■  Make rather than imply the request ■  Use clarifying questions to support others in making clear requests of you 73. What are the benefits of making requests in this manner? 74. What challenges might you face in making requests in this manner? 75. What can you do to overcome these challenges? Deal With Defensiveness To deal with a colleague’s defensiveness effectively, you must create a “safe space”, which isn’t the same as being comfortable. In fact, both you and your colleague may be quite uncom- fortable. Below are tips to help make the other person feel safe and keep the focus on resolving the issue. 1. Frame it up: Frame your message in your commitment. For example, if you are giving a direct report feedback that might be perceived as negative, first state your commitment to his or her professional development. 2. Allow others to process: When you are sorting through a difficult issue, slow down so that your colleague has time to process. Silence is your friend. Use it to let the other person think and respond rather than to merely react defensively and without thinking. 3. Restate your goal: When the conversation is sidetracked or you sense that the other person is mistaken about your goal, restate your goal. 4. Focus on mutual goals: State and restate your mutual goal, explicitly stating that you and your colleague are aligned. For example, you and a peer are having a hard time finding time to work on a project and the peer gets defensive and says, “Well you’re the one who is always too busy to meet with me!” You respond, “We both want to get this project done before it’s overdue. Let’s figure out how.” Or, “I want to come up with a solution that works for both of us.” 72

WIN-WIN: Deal With Defensiveness 5. Clarify other’s goals: Use questions and insight to gain clarity about your colleague’s goals. Help your colleague to figure out what really matters to him or her. 6. Take responsibility: Acknowledge your part in creating the problem. For example, in number 4 above, you could also say, “I know my travel is really causing a problem. Let’s figure out how to get this done.” Combining a focus on mutual goals and taking respon- sibility is particularly effective. 7. Ask permission: Because you want your colleague to be engaged and “bought into” having a difficult conversation, remember to ask: “Would you be willing to discuss this with me?” and “When is best for you?” 8. Express concern, don’t be a know-it-all: Be sensitive to your colleague saving face. Do not say, “Well, if you had followed the procedures I emailed to you last month it would have worked out.” Instead, say, “I am sorry this didn’t work out. Would you like to talk about it?” 9. Don’t be “right”: Let go of making your point if making the point won’t result in getting all needs met. Not all points need to be won. A focus on being “right” is a sign you have slipped back into the unproducive Win-Lose paradigm. 10. Ignore potshots: Avoid reacting to a potshot or other remark intended to hurt or insult. For example, you do not have to respond to “Well you’re the one that never shows up to meetings on time!” If you do respond, apologize rather than explain, because the latter can sound like you’re making an excuse. 11. Identify the elephant: Identifying the elephant is about identifying what is both adversely affecting your ability to have a productive conversation and is not being said. For example, admitting that you are concerned that your feedback might be mis- interpreted relieves stress, identifies the concerns and allows you to focus on the real issue. Identifying the elephant also means dealing with another’s fears or concerns. For example, suppose you are giving a direct report negative feedback and you know that he or she is concerned about getting a promotion. Say, “I am trying to support your pro- fessional development. Admitting that this was a mistake won’t affect your promotion or bonus. Let’s work together to find a strategy that works.” 12. Say what “it” isn’t: If you get the sense that a colleague thinks you are criticizing him or her or implying something negative, explicitly let the colleague know you are not. For example, if the colleague thinks you are criticizing them for being lazy or incompetent, say, “It’s not that I don’t think you’re committed or that you’re not good at your job, . . .” 13. Don’t exaggerate: Avoid using words such as “always” and “never.” Such exaggera- tions generally put people on the defensive because they overstate the problem and are usually inaccurate. 73

WIN-WIN: Agree on Strategy Step 5 Accountability breeds response-ability. - Stephen Covey The purpose of Step 5: Agree on Strategy is twofold. First, this step reinforces your under- standing of the distinction between strategy versus needs and goals; remember, your goal and how you get there are not the same. So be optimistic, there are often many strategies for achieving your goal. And don’t forget to treat others’ needs as important as your own. Second, this step provides guidance on successfully working through the challenges of imple- menting a particular strategy. In implementing a strategy, you want to address and agree on ■  What each of you will do by when, ■  How you will follow up, and ■  How you will help each other live up to his or her commitment. The Devil’s In The Details The phrase “the devils in the details” means that mistakes are usually made in the small details of a project. While we are not advocating micromanaging, we are suggesting that the success- ful implementation of a project requires taking caution in setting clear expectations around ■  Who is responsible for each part of a project, ■  What will be accomplished, and ■  By when. This is especially the case if you haven’t worked very often with a colleague because you haven’t established collaboration norms. Establish Clear Expectations Expectations can be the source of much frustration and can result in failure unless you and your colleagues collaboratively and clearly set the expectations. Taking the time at the beginning of a project will save time over the course of the project. If you and your colleagues clearly articulate and discuss each of the following points, you will have eliminated many potential misunderstandings and set yourself up for greater success with more ease. ■  Identify the goal, including any important specifications. ■  Establish the time frame for achieving the goal. 74

WIN-WIN: Agree on Strategy ■  Identify the necessary human, financial, and other resources ■  Identify any significant sub-goals that are necessary for achieving the goal. With regard to each sub-goal: •  What is the lead time for completion of each sub-goal? •  Who else needs to be involved? •  What other resources does achieving the sub-goal require? ■  With this in mind, use a calendar to set milestones with respect to each sub-goal. ■  Ask each other, what are we missing? ■  Get started! TIP 108: Think Positive. Most people view accountability in a negative light. In a Win-Win Paradigm, accountability is positive. If you or another delivered less than perfect performance, ask whether the circumstances were such that success was possible. For example, if you didn’t have the resources or time necessary for success, identify what was missing so that you can be successful next time. More effective planning and prioritization may be the key. Remember, if you are operating in a Win-Win Paradigm, there is no blame. Instead, accountability is an opportunity to improve performance to identify what worked and what was necessary for success. You and a colleague (peer or direct report) have agreed on a strategy and your colleague hasn’t followed through. What do you do? This is an opportunity to follow up with accountability in a supportive manner so that you get better results. Example: You Let Me Down. Barbara is responsible for writing grants for her organi- zation. Although she’s a policy and grant-writing expert, she still relies on colleagues from different divisions for content related to their subject matter expertise. A month ago she met with everyone involved in putting together a grant that is now due in two weeks. Everyone agreed to finish their sections of the grant last week so that Barbara would have enough time to pull it all together and go back to team members with questions if necessary. Monica hasn’t finished her sections. When Barbara emailed Monica, Monica said she’d finish in the next few days. Barbara is frustrated and angry because this seems to happen every time with Monica. She is tired of staying up until 2 am finishing grants because Monica can’t get her work done. How can Monica follow up productively? First, Barbara needs to talk to – not email – Monica. If Barbara adopts a solution-finding mindset, the conversation is more likely to yield a strategy for ensuring on-time delivery for the next grant. Barbara: “Tell me what happened here?” Monica: “I just had too much work. Stan, Joe, and Cecilia all gave me projects that were prior- ities. I have been staying late every night the last two weeks. There is only so much I can get done.” Barbara: “Hmmm. Is this what happened last time?” 75

WIN-WIN: Agree on Strategy Monica: “Yes. You’re all VPs so it’s hard – if I had one boss it’d be a lot easier. I try to do what’s most important first.” Barbara: “Would it help if Stan, Joe, Cecilia and I prioritize your work?” Monica: “Yes, most definitely. But I also need help. I am the only one doing data management since Andrew left and in crunch times there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get it all done.” Barbara: “I know. I’m not sure what HR is doing about filling that position. They should have posted it two months ago. I’ll follow up with them. Next time, I’ll work it out with the other VPs that you have time for the grant. I also have a request: Next time you think you are going to miss the deadline, would you be willing to let me know? If I don’t find out until after the fact, it’s too late for me to do anything about it.” Monica: “Of course. Thank you.” *** Example: You Let Me Down and You’re Passive Aggressive. Now assume that Monica continues to be late with her work. Barbara suspects that Monica doesn’t like the grant writing or Barbara for that matter. Barbara needs the data Monica is responsible for and is tired of dealing with what she views as passive-aggressive behavior. Barbara finds that Monica is sarcastic and sullen, procrastinates, and fails to accomplish many of the tasks for which she is responsible. Not only that, Monica is always blaming others for her failures. Unfortunately, because she’s the only one that understands the new data-management system, the CEO is afraid to fire or put her on a performance improvement plan. Barbara is fed up and wants to get what she needs to finish grants without staying up until 2 am. Barbara considers the following strategies: ■  Coordinate with others who rely on Monica so Monica doesn’t have any excuses. ■  Focus on getting the work done and ignore Monica’s unproductive behavior. ■  When she does talk to Monica, be sure to state the facts neutrally, describing what Monica says and does, which by the way are inconsistent, and asking, “Would you be willing to help me understand why you didn’t do what you agreed to do?” ■  In planning meetings, be sure to ask everyone to state what he or she will do by when (The Coaching Model, Step 5 Review and Commit). Next, establish a process for touching base on milestones to ensure that if a colleague isn’t doing what he or she agreed to do, the project isn’t jeopardized. Stay Committed, Not Attached The key to having a Win-Win Conversation is to stay committed to following the foregoing steps, but not being attached to any particular result. Being attached to a particular result usually means you are attached to a particular strategy – your strategy. Creating a strategy that meets all needs means that you must be curious and willing to consider other options. Moreover, if a colleague senses that you are attached to a particular result, the colleague might 76

WIN-WIN: What Gets In The Way Of Listening perceive you as pushy, “having an agenda,” or insincere in your desire to find a solution that also works for the colleague. Thus, staying focused on the goal creates more ease and a sense of being on the “same side.” Finally, staying committed to meeting needs rather than attached to a particular strategy helps you maintain equanimity. Attachment to a particular strategy produces anxiety and stress, especially if there is any resistance to the strategy. Commitment to meeting all (or most) needs, and openness to alternative solutions, engenders a willingness to truly collaborate, while reducing the fear that your needs won’t be met. What Gets In The Way Of Listening? One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say. - Bryant H. McGill Everyone is busy. We experience competing demands and try to multi-task. A frequent casualty of the busyness is our listening to and focus on others. The following are typical challenges and strategies for addressing what gets in the way of listening. 1. On “send”: Being “on send” means that you are talking in a monolog rather than having a dialog. Recognize that what colleagues have to say is worth listening to and that you will likely learn something important, even if it is just more about your colleague. Remember, if the colleague is a different Type than you, the perspective may provide insight into an aspect of an issue that you are overlooking or that falls in your blind spot. Consider that the other’s perspective may have the potential to prevent you from making a mistake. 2. Can’t wait to correct others’ misguided perceptions: See “On ‘send’” above. 3. Coming up with your response/rebuttal: It is impossible to understand your colleague’s perspective, discerning the nuances of his or her feelings and needs, if you are focused on your response. Instead, focus first on figuring out what is truly going on and then work with your colleague to find a strategy that meets the needs of you both. 4. Other things on your mind, such as email: If something is distracting you from focusing on the conversation at hand, then choose between the conversation and the distraction. If you choose the distraction, let the other person know you have something pressing to attend to and request that you schedule a different time to talk. A tip for Extraverts: Introverts in particular do not like to be interrupted or caught off guard. You will improve your chances of having a meaningful conversation if you schedule it. Moreover, anytime you give a colleague time to think about a topic prior to the discus- sion, you are more likely to have a productive conversation. This is because all Types, and therefore all people, benefit from having time to reflect on an issue, that is, to use the perception or judging function that he or she introverts (uses in the inside world). 77

WIN-WIN: What Gets In The Way Of Listening Avoid meeting in your office, turn your monitor off, or move to the other side of your desk when meeting if you are easily distracted. As described in 6 below, choose your focus and reschedule as necessary. 5. Your own feelings about the topic: This is where Steps 2 and 3 of Win-Win Conversation can be of great help. If you find that you are so triggered by a topic that you are not able to have a productive conversation, ask your colleague if he or she would be willing to have the conversation at a different time. This will allow you to prepare. The best preparation consists of gaining awareness of your own feelings and needs about the topic. What are you feeling? What is the unmet need? Remember, your unpleasant feelings are caused by the unmet need, not the other person. 6. Don’t have enough time: Not having enough time is a choice to do something else. If you make this choice, it is incumbent upon you to let your colleague know that you welcome the opportunity to have the conversation and would like to have it at a time when you can give your full attention. Show You Are Listening People like to know that they are being listened to; below are tips for showing that you are. 1. Maintain eye contact and don’t fidget. 2. Stay focused on what your colleague is saying. Don’t multi-task by looking at papers, your smart phone, emails or other people during your conversation; it conveys that what the person is saying is not as important as your other activities. 3. Body language can show them you’re listening: nodding your head, and the appropriate facial expression such as smiling. You can also acknowledge that you understand what they are saying through questions and saying “umhum.” 4. Reflect and paraphrase to confirm you understand. “What I’m hearing is…” and “It sounds as if you are saying…” are good ways of doing this. 5. Ask good questions to help the person crystallize his or her thoughts, especially if the person is nervous, uncomfortable, or in need of clarity. Use Coaching Skills. 6. The angry often need to be listened to more than anything else. Give them space to express their anger, which means don’t try to solve the problem immediately (if at all). Use the inner loop of awareness and Coaching Skills to support angry colleagues in finding their own solutions. 7. Be patient by letting the person talk for a bit without interrupting. The person will often find the solution in his or her own words. Interruptions too early can frustrate the speaker and aggravate a situation. 8. Why Am I Talking (WAIT): if you find yourself frequently leading the conversation and others don’t speak up much in your presence, think ‘WAIT’ and give others a chance. You may be surprised at what you’ll learn! 78

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Summary It’s good to get what you want; it’s great for everyone to get what they want. Focus on the former for short-term satisfaction. Focus on the later for sustained great results. - Anne Collier BE SELF AWARE BE AWARE OF OTHERS ■  Identify your feelings, needs, and goals ■  Don’t judge; stay curious ■  Be compassionate with yourself ■  Strive to understand your colleagues’ feelings, needs, and goals ■  Adopt a “nothing-is-wrong” perspective ■  Help your colleagues understand that ■  Recognize your triggers unmet needs, not people, cause un- pleasant feelings ■  Recognize that unpleasant feelings are caused by unmet needs, not people ■  You don’t have to acknowledge col- leagues’ feelings and needs; awareness ■  Be hopeful: there are many strategies for is often sufficient having your needs met TIP 109: Choose Your Response To Problems. Remember “The Lowly Associate” example on page 44? You have a choice in how you respond to problems. If your mindset is Win-Lose, your response will likely be to blame – either yourself or others. If your mindset is Win-Win, your response is awareness – identifying what you and others are feeling and needing. The latter is more productive and solution-focused. You get to choose. Are You Slipping Into Judgment? ■  Signs that you have slipped into judgment ■  Remedy: Pause and get present •  Mindset is Win-Lose Paradigm •  Identify your own feelings and needs •  Defending, explaining, blaming •  Identify others’ feelings and needs •  Adversary image of others •  Be curious about other strategies •  Vigorously advocate for your strategy •  Make requests as necessary 79

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Use Win-Win Elements When . . . There are many opportunities for improving communication through using even just one step of the Win-Win Conversation Model. Step 1: State the Facts. You can never go wrong by stating “just the facts.” Whenever you are having a conversation that might be perceived as critical or negative in any way, use neutral language. Remember to be concise, deliberate and intentional. Less is more. And, es- pecially if you haven’t thought through what you will say, the more you talk, the more likely you are to get yourself in trouble. Step 2: Become Aware of (and State) Your Feelings. You will be more effective if you distinguish your feelings about a situation from the people involved. Such awareness and clarity fosters objectivity and better choices. Importantly, you’re also more likely to see actions and situations for what they truly are, rather than taking them personally or blaming others. Step 3: Become Aware of (and State) Your Needs. Distinguishing between your needs and a particular strategy will help you stay clearly focused on what is really important – what is a win for you. Being wedded to a particular strategy distracts from achieving your goals. Moreover, such a focus tends to frustrate collaboration and creativity because new solutions are more difficult to develop. Step 4: Make A Request. Just asking “often you be willing to . . .” makes it clear that you are asking rather than demanding. You do not need to state facts, feelings, and needs for the request to be effective. Step 5: Agree On A Strategy. It is helpful to review the agreed upon strategy to ensure there is understanding. Moreover, devising a mechanism for mutual support and account- ability will greatly increase the likelihood of success. Asking open-ended questions such as: “How can I support you?” and “What do you need to ensure success?” is a powerful and em- powering way to work with others. There is no implication of incompetence and it reinforces the collaborative nature of the relationship. Finally, transform your thinking about accountability to it being supportive and a prob- lem-solving tool. Supportive accountability occurs when you ask your colleague: ■  What is working/worked well on this project? ■  What isn’t working/didn’t work well? ■  What would have made it even better? ■  What are the opportunities for improvement? ■  What additional resources did/do you need for success? ■  What could I do/have done to support you? ■  What could I/we do/have done differently? 80

THE ARUDIA WIN-WIN CONVERSATION MODEL Action Plan Have a bias toward action - let’s see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away. - Indira Gandhi TIP 110: Be Tenacious. You have learned how to create a Win-Win Conversation, which can greatly improve your overall effectiveness and satisfaction in the workplace. It is important to begin using these skills immediately so they become tools you can use with ease. Remember, using a new skill can feel awkward. This does not mean anything other than you are using a new skill; don’t wait until you can do it perfectly because perfection is the enemy of progress. Remember, be tenacious and trust in the process. You will be more effective. 76. As a result of learning Win-Win, what will you commit to do differently? Name at least two ways you will apply Win-Win, immediately. 77. What will the impact be? 78. What challenges might you need to overcome to start using The Win-Win Conversation Model? 79. What could you do to overcome these challenges? 81

THE ARUDIA COACHING MODEL The Arudia Coaching Model 82

THE ARUDIA COACHING MODEL “People who are coaches will be the norm. Other people won’t get promoted.” Jack Welch, CEO, General Electric 83

THE ARUDIA COACHING MODEL “What’s really driving the boom in coaching, is this: as we move from 30 miles an hour to 70 to 120 to 180 . . . the whole game changes, and a lot of people are trying to keep up, learn how not to fall.” - John Kotter, Professor of Leadership, Harvard Business School The Arudia Coaching Model is, at its heart a problem-solving model. What makes it coaching is that the person in a coaching role primarily uses open-ended questions to help the person being coached (the “coachee”) resolve a challenge by eliciting the coachee’s best thinking. You don’t have to use the entire model; instead, you can harness the power of the question, i.e., Coaching Skills, to lead and collaborate more successfully. This is because when you involve colleagues in resolving the challenge, you reduce friction while increasing trust, productivity and commitment. You become more capable of generating and sustaining effective relation- ships, resulting in increased levels of trust and efficacy throughout your organization. Coaching Skills are essential to responding to change through innovation by provide you with the tools to foster the best thinking of colleagues, encourage meaningful and focused discus- sion, and create clarity, engagement, and accountability in a way that everyone appreciates. Likewise, Coaching Skills enhance your ability to listen and mentor. 84

THE ARUDIA COACHING MODEL Top 10 Reasons To Coach 1. You want others to take responsibility for their work. 2. You have to work across the organization with people who don’t seem to have the same goals. 3. Your direct reports don’t seem to be getting it done, which confuses you because you always tell them exactly what they need to do. 4. You want to develop your team members so that they need less of your time and super- vision. 5. You want to develop a leadership pipeline. 6. You are tired of not understanding exactly what your boss wants and are pretty sure he or she doesn’t know either. 7. You want projects to go smoothly. 8. You would like to build trust and respect on your team and with colleagues. 9. You need time to think strategically. Cleaning up others’ “messes” is just getting in the way. 10. You’d really like to leverage the smart people on your team but are struggling with how. What are your reasons? 85

THE ARUDIA COACHING MODEL Complementary Techniques Coaching harnesses the power of the question to lead, collaborate, and devise creative solutions. Regardless of whether or who you lead, using Coaching Skills will support you in being more effective and less stressed because you will work more collaboratively with colleagues and will harness their best thinking, 360 degrees. These skills can transform how you relate to others. If you’ve studied the Win-Win Conver- sation, you’ll notice how Win-Win and Coaching Skills complement each other by fostering communication without misunderstanding. If you haven’t already, consider adding Win-Win to your repertoire! Both techniques can each be used in whole or in part to: ■  Clarify needs, goals, and obstacles ■  Spur creativity ■  Solve problems ■  Unstick you and colleagues ■  Foster engagement and ownership ■  Get to the heart of the matter ■  Elicit colleagues’ best thinking Asking: Win-Win Requests & Coaching Questions Before digging into Coaching Skills, let’s explore the difference between Win-Win requests and Coaching questions. ■  Win-Win Step 4: Make a Request. The purpose of Step 4 of Win-Win is to get a “yes” or “no” answer to requests regarding a specific strategy. ■  Use of Open-Ended Questions in Coaching: Ask like a Coach. The purpose of asking like a coach is to use open-ended questions to foster the coachee’s best thinking regarding possible strategies, inspiring creativity and collaboration. The table below lays out three ways in which Win-Win and Coaching Skills aid in problem-solv- ing and communication. Win-Win Coaching Skills Relationship to Strategy Make a request with regard to a Identify possible strategies. Underlying Assumption particular strategy. Use in Reaching Goals/ Meeting Needs Can meet all/most needs. Coachee is the expert on strat- egies that will meet his or her needs and goals. Identifying unmet needs through Using Coaching Skills to devel- awareness can be a step in setting op possible strategies is often a goals and overcoming obstacles. step in meeting all needs. 86