and we were happy! We grew together from humble beginnings and we are stronger because of it. Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your partner to help you deal more deeply with this issue of Preparing for Marriage. At the beginning of this episode, we asked our youth studio audience why many youth no longer want to get married or delay it to a later stage. The answers given were: bride price, fear of divorce, lack of personal accountability, fear of commitment, parental interference, bad role models and hurtful past experiences. We do a lot of counseling and have realized many youth say they do not want to get married because what they saw in their parents and the marriages around them was not something that looked attractive. We find very few youth who have seen good happy healthy marriages modelled in such a way to make the institution of marriage look desirable. Q: Why do you think youth are afraid to get married? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: If you are reading this and are a married couple, do you feel there is something you can do to help some youth that are watching your marriage? If so, what specific actions could you take? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 50
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage Q: A good marriage is based on serving one another. If you have a partner you are currently in a relationship with, ask them what you can do to serve them. Write down some specific actions you can do below. If you are not in a relationship, think of specific actions you can do to serve those in your church, your family, or your community to train your mind to think of others and not just yourself. Write down what you can do below. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: We talked a lot about making a list of what to look for in a spouse. What are you looking for in a spouse? Be as specific as possible! You will never find a perfect person, but this should help you look in the right direction and avoid some bad relationships before they even start. Once you make the list, circle NON NEGOTIABLES that you determine you will NOT go for a man/woman who does… __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ There is a saying that goes, “birds of a feather flock together.” You attract likeminded people. Make a list of some of the qualities you feel you have to offer and think about areas you need to improve on before marriage. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 51
Q: We talked about sexual purity before marriage? Do you believe that is realistic? If so, what steps are you taking to guard your purity? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: The question was asked, \"Should you date a lot of people to find the one?\" Did you agree with the answer? Why or why not? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: We advised cohabitation is not advisable before marriage. Did you agree or disagree? Why or Why not? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: How do you think marriage can be a blessing to you? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 52
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage Q: Was there anything in this show that you will now use to help you prepare for a better marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 53
His Needs, Her Needs Marriage is about compromise, understanding your partner’s needs and dreams so you can help support them. Many times men have different needs than women and vice versa, so a lot of conflict in marriage occurs because neither can fathom why the other person doesn’t understand how this need is so important. Once you both begin to understand each other’s needs better, you begin to have a more fulfilling marriage Q: What would you say are some of the most common needs for men and women? A: There is a book we read by Willard F. Harley, Jr. called His Needs, Her Needs. We found it to be a brilliant resource that really helped us understand one another a lot better. We highly recommend you get the book! His research states Men's 5 most basic needs from his wife: Sexual fulfillment – a man is going to think about sex. He needs his wife to meet this need so that it helps curb the temptation to think about other unhealthy ways to have that need met. Recreational companionship- Most men don’t want to sit and talk all day. They want to go do something together such as: go for a walk, go to the farm, go on a trip, etc. An attractive spouse – Men are visually stimulated so having a wife who takes care of her physical appearance is important to a man so that he can be proud of his wife and he continually finds her attractive. Domestic support – Most men find great pride and joy in a wife who can take care of his home. He delights in knowing his wife is making sure his children are being raised well, his meals are prepared with love, and the home has order brought in by a responsible organized wife. Admiration and Respect – Many statistics show the number one need for a man is to be respected. If a man feels his wife admires him and truly understands his value and achievements, he will thrive. Women's 5 most basic needs from her husband: Affection – Most women enjoy when her man hugs her, kisses her, sits close to her, holds her hand, writes her sweet notes, does thoughtful things for her, etc. Conversation – Most women appreciate the emotional intimacy derived from long unrushed talks with their husbands where they can share about their day, their struggles, and feel he is completely interested in understanding her heart. Openness and honesty – A women needs to be able to trust her man. Women are very analytical. When she can’t trust her man is telling the truth, it causes great distress mentally. She develops great emotional security when he looks her in the If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 54
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs eyes and is very open about what he is thinking and what he is doing so that she feels he is trustworthy. Financial security – Although we live in an age where many women work and sometimes even make more money than the wife, a women appreciates when her man is significantly contributing to the family’s financial wellbeing. She loses respect very quickly if he is wasteful or using his money in other ways outside of supporting their family. Family commitment – A woman respects and admires a man who puts his family first. This man spends his free time with his family, makes time to listen and show love to his children, and prioritizes spending his energy making his entire family feel loved by him. Hopefully, the two of you can study that list and begin to have a greater appreciation that your spouse isn’t alone in having certain needs that may not be important to you. However, there is one important thing to make sure you understand. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT A MIND READER. It is essential that you explain what your needs are and give a clear solution and plan of HOW your spouse can meet those needs. Also, make an intentional effort to share how you feel (we talked about this in communication). The reason is because the temptation when your needs aren’t being met is to nag and complain – which does NOT make your spouse want to meet your needs. Making it For example, the house is in disarray and the kids seem to do whatever Practical they want. The man makes some snide comment, “What kind of wife are you? I don’t even want to come home to this mess!” He needs to say, “I would feel more fulfilled in our marriage if I felt that you were taking better care of the home. My expectation is a tidier home with more order. Is there anything I can do to help you, because it would make me feel more love for you and make me want to spend more time at home if …?” (Then give some specific things he would like to see being careful to start off with one or two so it isn’t overwhelming) Another example could be a husband that finds himself saying, “You are such a nag! All you ever do is complain! You are never happy!” He might need to say, “I feel that the way I am living my life isn’t making you proud of me. Your respect and admiration means a lot to me. What can I do to help you respect me more? Would you be willing to say at least 3 kind affirming things to me each day so that I know you see good in me and not only bad in me?” It IS difficult at first to rationally state your needs!! It takes maturity and being willing to be vulnerable. It is easier to just complain and nag each other, but you will both feel so much more fulfilled if you learn to identify the NEED that is not being met and verbally express WHY you need that and HOW your spouse can meet that need to make you feel more love and satisfaction in your marriage. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 55
Additionally, it is easier to point out problems in others than accept and correct the problems in ourselves. Because most of us think we are doing things the right way, when someone else tells us what we can work on, the natural tendency is to get defensive and angry. For this to work, you both have to decide that when the other person presents an unmet need, they are not saying that to criticize you but rather to increase the intimacy, trust, and joy you both will ultimately feel in marriage. Q: What if your spouse doesn’t like to compromise? A: This is a sad reality. Inability to compromise comes from selfishness and not wanting to put someone else’s needs above your own in order to have a better marriage. May we please encourage the uncompromising spouse that your life will be SO much richer and more fulfilling if you broaden your perspective to consider other people’s ways might also have validity? If the two of you can learn to meet each other’s needs, you have no idea how much joy and fulfillment marriage can bring to you. Making it Now, let’s try to give some practical advice on this point. Let’s say that Practical your husband expects things done a certain way or for the two of you to always do an activity that you don’t enjoy. It is not necessarily a moral problem where there is one right or wrong way. You just have different preferences. In this instance, a couple that wants to find joy will need to be willing to step outside of their comfort zone to please the other. It might even be important to make a schedule. Let’s say he likes to go out on Saturdays – go to the mall, go visit friends, go to the farm – just get up and get out of house. You like to sleep in and lounge around the house all day relaxing just the two of you. You both work all week so Saturday is one day where you need that quality time together to work on your friendship and deepening your relationship. If each person does what they want, then neither of you see each other since your preferences take you in different directions. This is where you both have to agree to serve the other out of LOVE and compromise. A schedule would come in handy here. 2 Saturdays a month we will lounge around the house and the other 2 we will go out. We both agree to try, to the best of our ability, to enjoy each Saturday because no matter where we are, we are together so we need to allow the day to pass without constant complaining that this isn’t my ideal way to spend the day. Let me tell you a funny story on this point. Growing up, my (Ashley) father was the more introverted one who didn’t seem to really enjoy going out. My mom was the social butterfly always leading us to hang out with other families, go on church trips, or go to community events. As they have aged, my mom would rather stay at home! She has changed my dad’s perspective to the point that he is the one who seems to enjoy going out more now! Why do I share this? You may find if you try new things If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 56
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs you actually like them more than you think you will! Compromise is all about learning to step out of your comfort zone and try something new! Warning: Make sure you are BOTH making compromises! Many times we counsel couples who are seriously hurting because it is only one partner who is expected to do all the compromising. Neither of you will be totally fulfilled if this is not a two way street! There must be give and take from BOTH people! Q: What if we feel like it isn’t a need in our spouse but rather a want? A: It may feel like that, but marriage is all about trying to meet each other’s needs and wants. Making it Let’s make this practical with an example of how a “want” might look Practical like. The man is talking on the phone. He has been on the phone since he got home from work. The wife asks him repeatedly to put the phone down. He feels like that is not a “need” but a selfish want. She is just being difficult. However, for her, she is realizing this has become a habit for him to spend more and more time on the phone and less time in serious conversations concentrating on her. Remember, she has a NEED FOR CONVERSATION. She feels your relationship is slipping away and growing more distant in the absence of good heart to heart talks. She NEEDS emotional intimacy to feel satisfied in the marriage and she know she can get that if you will talk to her without the distraction of the phone. In a situation like that, remember how we discussed using “I feel” rather than you. Practice it here. Say something like, “I am feeling distant from you. It would make me feel closer if we could just talk without the constant interruption of text messages and phone calls. I understand you might be busy now. Would it be possible to wrap up all the people you need to write and call in an hour? Then, would you be willing to turn the phone off and spend one hour just talking to me so I can feel more connected to you through us just talking?” This is a more polite way of getting her needs met than demanding he get off the phone the minute that SHE wants to talk. This is also an example of compromise – give and take. You need conversation but it doesn’t mean what he is doing isn’t important and can be stopped the second you ask for it. Be respectful and supportive of each other and find realistic solutions to meet each other halfway. Also, remember that he has a NEED FOR RESPECT so you, as the wife, can get a lot further by choosing your words carefully so that you communicate your needs without making him feel like you are trying to boss him around or belittle him. Another key point to keep in mind when trying to communicate your needs/wants is the right time. Study your spouse. You will know when they are in the best mood or worst mood. For Percy and me, I can tell after 16 years of Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 57
marriage, my chances of getting what I “want” are very slim if I ask him when he gets home after a long day’s work. However, if I wait until after I have fed him a delicious home cooked dinner and the kids are asleep and I ask the SAME thing, my chances just went up to about 95% that he is going to say yes! A wise spouse will choose the right TIME to voice out their needs. Q: What are warning signs to look out for to be able to tell if your spouse is not having his/her needs met? A: The first thing we would advise is study the 10 main needs we mentioned above. Do an honest evaluation of yourself and your spouse and determine whether both of you feel your needs are being met. If they are not, in a kind, rational, NON accusatory way, explain which needs are not being met. This is the ideal way if the two of you have decided to work on your marriage. HOWEVER, the reality is many times one or both is not willing to work on it and may not be able to articulate exactly what it is they need. They also have not learned the art of communication to simply express their needs. They merely know they are not enjoying marriage the way they had hoped. If you have studied the needs and are looking for warning signs, then you must listen past the complaints to the underlying need not being met. Making it For example, a man might complain that the two of you don’t make love Practical enough. “You are never in the mood! Why are you always tired? This is getting on my nerves how I have to beg you as if you are not my wife!” This is a WARNING SIGN that his sexual needs are not being met. Another example, a woman might say, “You are an awful father! I feel like I am raising these kids alone! Do you even care about us or just yourself!?” This is a WARNING SIGN that her need for family commitment is not being met. It would be ideal to not complain and insult, but in the absence of good communication skills, it is more likely that the conversation of how to meet needs will start by looking negative. The spouse who is trying to work on the marriage will learn to respond by saying, “I am sorry you feel that I am not meeting such and such need. Please help me know what I can do to better meet your need for this.” Also, the spouse who wants her/his needs met will learn to not criticize the other person but rather calmly state what they need. One last tip on this issue. You both have the right to legitimately want your needs met, however you need to be careful to be REALISTIC in what you are expecting. You also need to learn to give a clear plan of HOW your spouse can meet the need. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 58
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs For example, let’s say a wife has a need for more family commitment from her husband. That is acceptable. However, it is unacceptable for her to think he will take off work or leave work tasks unfinished on a regular basis to deal with the children. She would do better to look at his schedule and make a very clear request. She could say something like this, “I am feeling like I need more family commitment from you. I realize you work hard and I don’t want this to be a burden. However, in the absence of this family commitment, it is hard for me to admire and respect you the way I know you desire. May I offer a few practical suggestions for how I think you might make me fill this need?” Assuming he says yes, she could proceed to say, “Once you have settled after returning from work, I need you to sit with the kids for at least 30 minutes every night and help me check homework. On Fridays, I know your boss is a bit more lenient. Could you take our son to soccer practice and stay and watch him so he feels you support him in what he loves?” An action plan is measurable and specific. This allows the spouse to know exactly what they need to do to fulfill the needs of the other party without having to play mind games that end up frustrating both of you! Q: How can we help our men become more expressive? A: Help the guy out. Again, as we stated above, you can never go wrong by being more specific with exactly what you are looking for. If you want him to tell you about his day and he says “fine” and you feel your need for conversation is not being met, explain to him, “I feel we need to go deeper in our conversations. I understand that you might not understand exactly what I want. Would it be okay if I asked you some questions about your day so you understand more the kind of details I am expecting?” Proceed to then ask him details such as: Did you do your Presentation? Did everyone in the room seem to like it? What makes you think that? What part did you say that you felt was best received? Do you feel there was something you could have been better prepared for? How did you feel after giving your presentation? Men, if your wives are working patiently with you to ask you these questions, do not shut off as if she is interrogating you. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but learning to express yourself is a GOOD SKILL!! Usually our women are better than we are, so embrace her strength and allow yourself to grow in this aspect of your communication. Thank her for her patience to work with you to help you become a more expressive man who is more in tune with your feelings and emotions! WARNING: Women like to gab with girlfriends! If you want your man to be more expressive, the number one rule is that you must be a safe place where he knows you will NOT go and talk about anything he tells you to anyone! If he hears you gossiping about something that was hard for him to say, something that made him become vulnerable with you, he will not trust you! If he cannot trust you to not Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 59
judge him and to keep his secrets confidential, it doesn’t matter how great your communication skills are, he has learned his lesson the hard embarrassing way! It will be very hard for him to ever open back up and express his true thoughts and emotions with you. Q: My husband wants me to fulfill him sexually, but I want him to fulfill my need for affection. How can I help him to meet my needs so I can meet his? A: Let me (Percy) answer this one. Men, we can go from zero to 10 in a second. We just see our wives looking beautiful and we are turned on! A woman’s mind isn’t like that. She takes time to warm up and get to that 10. One guaranteed way to help her is to be affectionate with her throughout the day, not just when you “want something.” Let me give you some practical examples that your woman will most likely respond positively to and reward you with your needs being met! If she is cooking in the kitchen, come behind her, peek over her shoulder and smell the food and compliment her telling her how much you appreciate her efforts and how delicious the food smells. Throughout the day, send her messages telling her what she means to you. “You are an amazing mom. Our children and I are so blessed to have you.” “That dress you are wearing today looks so gorgeous. I can’t get the sight of you out of my mind and can’t wait to see you tonight at home” Call her randomly and say you just wanted to hear her voice and ask how her day was going. Hold her hand in public and demonstrate to her that you don’t mind if everyone knows you are in love with her! Offer to give her a massage acknowledging how hard her day was as a way of saying thanks for all she does to serve the family tirelessly day in and day out. Women, if you see your man is TRYING to meet one of your needs, REWARD Him by making sure you meet HIS NEEDS! This can create a beautiful cycle of love and happiness that can last for a LIFETIME! Help him to understand that when he opens up his heart to share his needs, dreams, hopes, and hurts that makes you feel EMOTIONALLY close to him. When you feel EMOTIONALLY close, it makes it very easy to move to feeling PHYSICALLY close and fulfill his sexual desires. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 60
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs On the contrary, the opposite can also be true. He doesn’t meet your needs, so you stubbornly decide not to meet his needs. The cycle of intentionally denying each other continues. BUT if one of you is TRYING to do something nice and selfless, acknowledge that. Reward that. Praise that! Appreciate that in such a way the spouse realizes this feels GOOD to make him/her happy! The cycle then takes a new twist where you each spend your days “repaying” the good kind acts, and your joy is unending as you each daily fulfill each other’s needs, wants and desires! Q: What if I have needs that are outside the home? For example, I want to go out with the guys on weekends and my spouse is refusing. How can I help her to understand my needs? A: In couples we counsel, this is a very common problem in a lot of marriages, and it isn’t always the husband wanting to go out. Sometimes, it is the woman wanting to go out with the girls. The point is one spouse desires to spend their social free time with someone other than their spouse. The one left behind feels unwanted, lonely and left out of all the fun. We would say first of all, go back to why you got married. You got married so the two could become one. That means the lens with which you make all your decisions needs to change. You should now make every decision keeping in mind there is another “part” of you that needs to be considered. How will this decision make them feel? It is completely okay for you to occasionally go out with your friends without him/her, but if you are consistently acting like you are single there are going to be fights. Let’s first deal with the scenario that you want to go out with your friends occasionally. The best way to handle this is to consider their feelings and state something like this, “I have been missing a night out with my friends. I want to know a good night that I can invite them all out. I wanted to ask you in advance so that you have time to plan a night out with your friends, or so that I don’t ruin any plans you might have been making for us one weekend.” This is a thoughtful way of letting her/him know he/she is part of the decision and that you also realize if you just spring it on them Friday afternoon that you want to go out that night, you may really hurt the other person who actually has been planning a surprise or looking forward to something specific that night. Let’s now move to the scenario when it is actually every weekend you want to go out. You need to ask yourself why you don’t want to be with your spouse. Is it because you don’t enjoy his/her company? Is it because you are hanging out with friends who don’t enjoy the company of your spouse? It is because you two have different hobbies and ideas for recreational fun? Analyze and try and figure out WHY you have this need to consistently do something that excludes your spouse. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 61
If the problem is different interests, this goes back to compromise which we talked about earlier. Learn to try new things or find a new hobby/social activity that you both enjoy. If the problem is you don’t enjoy your spouse’s company, then maybe you need to consider counseling or just have a good heart to heart to express what you two can do to meet each other’s needs better so you enjoy being around each other. If you are consistently hanging out with friends who don’t value your marriage or your spouse, then you need to seriously consider getting new friends because that is like POISON TO A MARRIAGE! Warning: A good marriage is built on a good friendship. If you want to give yourself the gift of a life partner who will make you happy and joyfully walk through life’s ups and downs with you, you need to spend time together. Do not avoid dealing with this issue. It can be detrimental to the health of your marriage if it is a norm to not spend your free time together. We hope you are both encouraged to learn about these needs and put the effort into meeting each other’s needs. It is an investment you will not regret! Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your spouse to help you deal more deeply with this issue of His Needs, Her Needs. Q: What do you feel is a need that is not being currently met in your marriage? Can you give some specific ways that your spouse could meet that need? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Write out, in order, what you feel are your top 5 needs from greatest to least and explain to your spouse why each need is important to you. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 62
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: On a scale 1-10, how satisfied are you with your social life together? What can you do to have more fun together? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you feel you could work on being more expressive in sharing your needs? If so, write down a few ways you will try and express yourself better this week. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What if your spouse needs something that you find uncomfortable or inconvenient to give? What will you do? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 63
Q: We talked about how some spouses express their needs in a way that comes across as nagging and complaining. Do you feel like that is something you can relate to? Why or why not? What have you learned that can improve this? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Someone asked a question about red flags to look out for. Do you feel there are any red flags or warning signs you see in your marriage that you need to deal with ASAP!? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: One of the question asked was what if your partner doesn't care about meeting your needs. Do you feel that your partner cares about meeting your needs? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Someone asked Percy to give tips on how to fulfil a women's need for affection so that the woman wants to fulfil the man sexually. Ladies, do you feel your man is meeting your needs for affection? Write down some romantic gestures he could do that you would appreciate. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 64
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: His Needs, Her Needs __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What lessons did you learn in this episode that you are going to use to improve your marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 65
Love Languages We read a book early in our relationship before marriage which has really helped us to understand each another. The book is called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman proposes that we each speak a specific love language. Sometimes the problem in marriage is not that we aren’t expressing love but we aren’t expressing it in a way that the other person “hears” it. You are speaking French and she only understands Spanish. You are trying your best to communicate but he just is not understanding your effort because it is not his language! Learning to speak each other’s love language is what we want to discuss in this chapter. Q: What are the 5 love languages? A: We highly recommend you get the book we mentioned above, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. In this book he shares how everyone gives and receives love differently, which are the love languages. The 5 are: Acts of Service – you feel loved when someone does something nice for you. You show love by serving the other person. Physical Touch – you feel loved when someone touches you (in a non- sexual way). You show love by giving people hugs, holding hands, and in general touching. Spending Quality Time together – You feel loved when someone values you enough to spend time with you. You show love by putting other important things aside and focusing on spending time with the people you love. Words of Affirmation – You feel love when people say nice things to you and about you. You show love by saying nice and encouraging things. Giving gifts – You feel loved when someone buys you a present. You show love by giving gifts – even if they aren’t bought. It is important to remember that everyone has a little bit of each one of these. You will be hard pressed to find someone who says they don’t enjoy receiving any of these, but most of us have one or two dominant ones we realize speak to us the most. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 66
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages Q: How do I know what my love language is? A: One way to tell what your love language is to think about what causes you the most pain when it is NOT being done. Let me give some examples. Making it You are washing dishes and your spouse is standing beside you in the Practical kitchen just talking. Inside you are boiling thinking why isn’t he/she helping?? He/she might even be saying how handsome/beautiful you look and giving you all kinds of affirming compliments but all you can think about is why isn’t he/she picking up a dish to help? Doesn’t she/he love me enough to serve me and serve with me? Your love language might be acts of service. Your spouse’s love language could be words of affirmation. Let’s say you tell your spouse, “I love you so much I am going to take off work and spend the entire day with you.” You are thinking, “Time is cheap! Why don’t you sacrifice a little something and buy me a gift?” You might have the love language of giving gifts and your spouse might have the language of spending time. Keep in mind your love language is how you express your love in general, so you can even think back to your childhood. What are the ways your parents showed love that meant the most to you? The memories you cherish the most? Was it a note your mom wrote you that you have never thrown away because the words of affirmation meant so much to you? Was it a day when your father spent the entire day with just you? Was it sitting close to your family watching a movie on the couch all cuddled up together under a blanket? Was it when your mom would stay up late just to serve you by preparing the bread dough for your favorite treat? Or perhaps a friend received one of these things and to this day, you are still jealous wishing someone who loved you could have done that for you. Those memories that have remained etched into the fabric of your mind for years might also help give you an idea into the methods in which you best felt loved in the past. Lastly, the easiest way is to actually go to the website of Dr. Gary Chapman. He has a free online test which you can do to determine your love language. The website is https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Q: How do you know what your partner’s love language is? A: Your spouse needs to communicate to you what makes him/her feel loved. They need to be very specific with explaining to you what makes them feel loved and perhaps even giving some examples of things you have done or things you could do to make them feel loved. Your spouse can also take the test at the website shared above. The guessing game has no place in a good marriage. The quicker the two of you realize the other is not a mind reader, the better! The problem is similar to issues we addressed in His Needs, Her Needs. Many times we don’t use “I feel” and instead we blame the other person for not being good at Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 67
making you feel loved. Let us give a few examples of how your spouse might be communicating her/his love languages in the negative. You never spend time with me! You never give me gifts! You never say nice things to me! You never touch me unless you want sex! You never do anything nice for me! Generally, this isn’t taken well, but it is a form of communication. However, to the spouse whose needs are not being met, we hope after this chapter, you will stop blaming the other. Start instead by expressing what the other can do to make you feel loved. Q: What if you do tell the other person what you need to feel loved and they say you are needy and claim that is too awkward to prescribe to me how I have to show you love? A: Most of the time two people do not have the same language. Love requires you to serve the other person out of an intellectual knowledge that this means something to the other person, even if it means very little to you or is awkward for you. Real love means stepping out of your comfort zone and making sacrifices to do that which will make the other person happy. The great thing is the other person should be doing the same for you, which makes for a very fulfilling marriage! Making it Let me (Ashley) give you a personal example. Gifts don’t mean much to Practical me. I am so practical that I can actually even get mad at Percy for wasting money that should have been spent on school fees buying me some useless gift! I remember one time he had gone on a work trip to Las Vegas and brought me back this $100 dress. ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESS! He was so sweet. He said this girl was actually modelling it, and she looked so pretty that he imagined me in the dress and thought I would look even prettier! Most girls would have swooned and blushed (and that would have been normal!) Not me! I was like, “you what!?!? You spent ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS ON A DRESS!?!? How can I send it back? Can we get our money back? Do you know how many groceries we could have bought with $100?” My poor sweet husband kept trying to explain he was doing something he thought I would appreciate, but I couldn’t even sleep that night I was so upset with such a frivolous purchase! Sadly, since he bought it in my absence it didn’t even fit me nicely which made me more mad. I never even wore that dress! That is how “awkward” I find getting gifts that aren’t practical. I look back now and think how extremely RUDE and UNGRATEFUL that was of me to get so angry at him when he was trying to do something kind, but I am sharing that to illustrate it is normal to really find one type of love language odd when it means nothing to you. Thankfully, Percy’s love language is not receiving gifts, but if it was, I would have to make purchases I didn’t think were necessary or else he would think I didn’t value him enough to spend my hard earned money on him. Even if it did not make sense to me, if he had expressed that receiving a gift would mean he felt loved, I would have to dig into my pockets to express love in a way in which he would feel it. True If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 68
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages love means thinking about the other person and choosing to act in a way that makes them happy even if it doesn’t come natural to you. Q: What if I am like a rainbow and like to receive love in all those ways? A: We encourage you to take the test, because you will probably find you do have some dominant ones. Obviously, we all enjoy a little of all of these, but the test will probably show you that you have 1-3 that stick out as more important to you than the others. The great thing about having more than one is that your spouse has triple the chances to make you feel loved! That also gives you a more empathetic understanding of the importance of giving love in a variety of ways. Another great strategy that has worked well for us when we aren’t sure how to express love is to use the love tank, which is another example from Dr. Gary Chapman’s book. The concept is we all have a love tank where 10 is when we feel very in love and 1 is when we don’t feel love at all. Frequently, we will ask each other, “How is your love tank today?” If the other says, it is on a 6, the other will say, “What can I do to get it to a 10?” The spouse could respond, “I need you to compliment me more. Or, I would feel so loved if we could just get away just the two of us with no interruptions and spend some quality time together. Or, it would really boost my love tank if you would bring me little gifts more often. They don’t have to be expensive – my favorite chocolate even- just something to show me you thought about me enough to buy me a gift to make me smile. That takes the guessing out of picture and allows you to use the “color of the rainbow” that she/he most needs at that time. Q: Some people don’t want to have to tell their partner what they need. It doesn’t feel as special if I have to spell it out. They should know me well enough by now to know what I want. A: That is the ideal, but sadly we are not able to read each other’s brain cells. Of course, the hope would be that once you tell your spouse your love language that you don’t have to keep reminding them all the time. It is ideal if the person just remembers, and of course that would be more special and make you feel even more loved if you felt your spouse DID read your brain cells and knew exactly what you wanted! However, we are giving you some tools and strategies because even in the best marriages, life gets busy. One of you will start to feel neglected and taken for granted. You have two choices. You can sulk silently building up grudges thinking the person KNOWS what you need and you don’t understand WHY she/he can’t see that you aren’t happy. Surely he/she knows if they did xyz, you would feel loved. Another day Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 69
goes by…they forget again. And soon, you begin to doubt they even care and bitterness builds up and now, out of spite, you decide you aren’t going to do the thing you know THEY will appreciate. This goes on until you can’t take it anymore and you scream, “YOU KNOW I feel loved when you touch me! I can’t even remember the last time you hugged me when you walked in the door! We never just hold hands when we are out! When you leave, you don’t even kiss me goodbye! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME! Do you not love me anymore?” It has escalated to a full-fledged fight because your needs weren’t met. Ideally, this would have never happened if the person always read your brain cells and never been too busy to forget to meet your needs, but we live in reality. In real life, we are all a bit selfish and without a loving nudge, we can forget to look outside our own needs. Therefore, we encourage you to forgo your romantic fantasies, and if you are feeling unloved, gently express it by saying exactly what you need. The spouse still can come up with a creative way to express it. Spending the afternoon together can look a hundred different ways. There are countless gifts he/she could bring home. Endless songs and poems are written with complimentary words you could say to each other. Just because you say your love language is xyz and you would feel more loved if he used that language doesn’t mean you need to spell out exactly what he needs to do. You are just prodding him/her in the right direction before frustration builds up and the poor spouse never even knew you were not happy. If you really are not comfortable explicitly saying it, let us give you a psychological trick. Positive affirmation. If your love language is spending time, and the two of you spend time together in some way. You really affirm that, “Wow, I really enjoyed that hour we spent today. It made me feel so close to you to just have one whole hour without interruptions. I feel so much love for you right now! I know you are busy, but I just feel so special that you took time out of your schedule and focused on us for an hour. I hope we can do that again soon because I immensely enjoyed that!” (It would help if you also in return rewarded his/her behavior by reciprocating by doing something you know they would enjoy.) By using positive affirmation whenever he/she does something remotely close to what you are looking for, it encourages the other person to make a mental note that made you very happy. Most likely, after receiving such rave reviews, the spouse will want to do it again, and you may never have to explicitly spell out what you need. When assuming that your spouse should just know what you want, also be mindful that love languages can change over time. When we did the 5 love languages test back in 2001, when we first met, my (Ashley) love languages were spending time and words of affirmation. I wanted him to spend time with me and say nice things to me. Fast forward to now a house full of kids, crying babies and dirty dishes. I don’t need the compliments now. I need him to pick up a dish and start scrubbing! I feel so loved if, even when he is tired, he volunteers to do a chore he knows I don’t want If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 70
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages to do. It isn’t that I don’t still appreciate a loving compliment, but it just means more to me when he serves me at this stage of my life with demanding children. Q: I have learned something new. I thought love was a feeling. Can you explain the concept of love? A: Go back to the chapter on unmet expectations to understand that the first stage of love is a chemical reaction that literally makes your stomach flutter and your heart skip a beat. When you are feeling this euphoria, no one has to tell you to do kind things. That person is all you think about. You are consumed with making sure they know just how loved they are. Like any other chemical, it will reach a tolerance level. When that happens, love transitions from being a “high” feeling to being a choice. The love that lasts a lifetime is an act of your will. It is a daily effort to CHOOSE to ACT in love. The feelings will come and go throughout your years together. They are more likely to come more often if you selflessly serve the other person. Honestly, true love is so beautiful and enjoyable. When there is another person who makes it their life mission to serve you and make you happy and you, in response, spend your life doing the same for them, it is a lovely partnership that will bless you every day of your life! Q: What if one spouse is giving more than the other? A: We have discussed how beautiful love is when both people are selflessly putting the other’s needs in front of their own. However, we are selfish people, and it is natural that some people are content with letting their spouse do all the giving and they do all the taking. Eventually, the relationship will sour if both aren’t giving equally. Going back to Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, he uses a concept called the Love Bank. The idea is that every nice thing you do makes a deposit into the love bank. Similarly, every negative thing you do makes a withdrawal. The ideal is that you are in credit with a positive balance, but in a marriage where one is not thoughtful, you will find that person’s bank is in deficit. You might feel you have been a bad spouse lately. As a result, you do one grand act you know your spouse will really appreciate. In your mind, you feel this “big” thing should make up for your bad behavior. You assume your one nice act will erase and repair all the damage done from weeks of neglect. If you made 50 withdrawals with negative words, hurtful actions, not spending enough time, etc. it is highly unlikely that 1 deposit is going to suddenly top up the bank. Picturing this “love bank” can help you be intentional about making more deposits than withdrawals so that your spouse’s love bank is always full! Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 71
Q: What if I don’t feel my spouse is receiving the love I am giving? When should we talk about that? A: The best time to start is always as soon as possible. Now that you are equipped with the knowledge that different people express love differently, it is time you two had a talk about how each other feels most loved. It isn’t an indication of a bad marriage if you have been married a long time and are just having this talk. We counsel couples all the time that say, “We just don’t feel love for each other anymore.” They aren’t cheating on each other, but they have just fallen out of love they feel. Most likely, they just don’t feel the way they once did because there was a time they felt so special and valued by the other person. Life has happened. They have become comfortable with one another and rarely do anything to really fill the other person’s love tank. We encourage this couple to start being intentional about making deposits into the love bank. Ask each other how to fill the love tank. Communicate clearly what you are missing out on. What are those romantic memories you have of your courtship days that you wish you could relive? If you both begin to make a conscious effort to serve the other and do things to make the other happy, before you know it, the “feelings” of love will be renewed! Don’t delay! Make a plan today! Q: How can we as couples find the time in our busy schedules to practice what we have learned? A: That is an excellent question! You might be reading this or watched the episode and been convinced your marriage needs some work. You need to spend more quality time together. You get it. Your spouse would feel loved if you could give her more attention, but it just isn’t possible! There are only 24 hours in a day and you already feel like you need 27 to get everything done. Is there a way to do life AND meet your spouse’s needs? Making it I, Ashley, am going to answer this because my love language is spending Practical time, so this is a question I really understand. Due to my need to spend time with Percy to feel love for him, I have realized I have to be creative to make this happen. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to spend time with me. He has expressed that and convinced me with his long to do list that it isn’t the case. Therefore, if I want his attention, I will look at his schedule and see where I can squeeze myself in. For example, he might have to drive out of town for a meeting. I will tag along and take a book to read in the lobby while he meets just so we can have that hour in the car to talk. He might have a tender to submit. The kids and I will go to his office and If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 72
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages make photocopies and help him bind documents. He might have a lot of busy work errands to do in addition to mountains of paperwork at the office. I will volunteer to do his errands. In exchange, he will take the hour he would have had to spend running around town to take me out to lunch for a date. Percy, knowing I need time with him, has learned how to adapt to make that happen in our busy lives. We frequently cook dinner together simply so we have time together to talk about our days. We like to go for walks so we get exercise and conversation in at the same time. Walking is not Percy’s preferred way of exercise; he would prefer lifting weights, but he has made that compromise because he knows how badly I need to spend time with him. At this season of his life, he realizes that lifting weights isn’t going to happen because he just doesn’t have the time to go to the gym and still squeeze in a few hours with me and the kids too. Sacrifices are made from things we both would want for ourselves personally in order to please the other one. We can testify that we have NEVER regretted choosing the other person! NEVER! I (Percy) may not have bulging biceps because I go to the gym every night while the kids and Ashley eat dinner alone, but I have a wife who feels 100% satisfied in our marriage! I have chosen to make decisions to spend my time ensuring she feels loved. Having a wife who adores me and would do anything in the world to please me is so worth any small sacrifices I might have to make! Q: How do you gauge the love tank? How do you know when it is full? A: It is clearly very subjective and dependent completely on your mood. It is also imperative that you are honest with your spouse so that you don’t always say it is full or empty if it isn’t. Trying to explain a feeling is not straight forward, but we will try! To be on a 10 means you feel there is no outstanding need. You just feel so much love for the person. You look at them, and are just filled with awe and gratitude that you get to be married to them. You love sharing your life with them! You just FEEL so much love in your heart at the thought of that person. You are not annoyed with that person but want to be with them as much as possible. That is a “10”. A “1” might be when you have felt extremely neglected. You are even doubting their love and commitment to the marriage. You look at them and feelings of bitterness and anger bubble up. Just to hear them speak makes you annoyed. You can think of a 100 things they could do better to make this marriage more enjoyable. When they touch you, you even recoil a bit because honestly they disgust you a bit right now! Nothing in you is feeling love towards the other. In fact, on days like this, you might even wonder why you got married in the first place! That is probably how we would explain the ranges, but again remember it is very subjective! The hope is that you will figure out where you WANT to be and how many “steps” it would take to get you to that point to enable you to verbalize what “number” you are on. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 73
Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your spouse to help you deal more deeply with this issue of Love Languages. Q: If you had to choose a number right now to explain your love tank, what would it be? What could your spouse do to increase that number? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you feel you put more deposits or make more withdrawals out of your spouse’s love bank? Explain your answer. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: If you are making more withdrawals, are you willing to be more intentional about putting deposits? Write down three things you will do this week that you know your spouse will appreciate. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you feel are your top 2 love languages? What are two specific actions your spouse does that make you feel so loved? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 74
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What are your spouse’s top 2 love languages? What are two specific things you can do this week to make him/her feel loved? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you feel you are more the giver or the taker in your relationship or do you feel you both give/take equally? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Go to the website https://www.5lovelanguages.com. Take the test and write out your answers below. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 75
Q: Is there one particular love language you find particularly difficult to \"speak\"? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Are you willing to show love to your spouse in a way that isn't comfortable to you? Yes or No? ________ Q: What did you think of the question asked by someone saying they aren't comfortable with having to explicitly tell their spouse their love language because their spouse should know them enough to figure it out? Could you relate? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you feel like you or your spouse uses \"mind games\" to communicate instead of just saying exactly what they think? Explain your answer. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Are you willing to make some sacrifices to find the time or money to speak your partner’s love language? Explain one thing you will sacrifice in order to make the time to show love to your spouse this week. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 76
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Love Languages __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What tips did you take from this episode that you think will enhance your marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 77
Gender Based Violence Anger is a natural emotion and when not kept in check, it can result in physical abuse. Sadly, we do find that domestic abuse (Gender Based Violence) is rampant. More than we realize, families are suffering in silence under wretched soul sucking abuse! Some statistics even put the number as high as 1 in 4 families are suffering from some type of abuse – be it verbal, physical, sexual, or even financial and emotional when one spouse withholds certain things in order to keep total control over the other. Tragically, at times we only found out how bad these situations are when the situation has escalated to the point of someone getting badly hurt or even being killed in a jealous angry fit of rage! We would like to share some tips we have learned over the years to deal with conflict in a more healthy manner that allows us to talk out our problems and solve them without any abuse or manipulation. This particular episode started off with a Gender Based Violence Survivor, Ms. Valencia Gaefele, bravely sharing her story of surviving years of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse which culminated in her husband trying to murder her by shooting her in their bedroom in the head eight times at close range. After leaving her dead, or so he thought, he fled and soon after killed himself. We can’t do her story justice in writing it, so we encourage you to watch the episode to hear her touching and powerful testimony. Her narrative puts a face that this is a legitimate problem that happens to real people. She courageously shared the account of her life’s trials in order to get the conversation started and give people (especially women) hope that there is life after abuse. We need to rise up and speak out to help others break free from the shackles of abuse! Q: Ms. Valencia had shared that she did tell her mom that she wanted to leave her husband, but her mother told her it would be shameful for a wife to leave. The question was asked how the mother felt when she found out he had tried to kill her. A: Ms. Valencia expressed the mother felt badly about not helping her daughter. Sometimes, due to cultural norms, we allow our family members to be hurt rather than face the shame of what others might say. This story should be a wakeup call to us! Your LOVED ONE is your first priority! If they are in a situation where they are being hurt, GET THEM OUT! Who cares what anyone else says! Do not turn your back on a person who gathers the courage to speak up and ask for help. I (Ashley), have worked with youth all over the world for around 25 years. About 15 of those years, I have worked very closely on a regular basis with youth in Botswana. It breaks my heart the amount of testimonies I have heard where young girls come to me telling me that their mother knows of a relative that is hurting them but If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 78
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence encourages them to keep quiet because that relative is financially providing for the home. Other times, it has nothing to do with money, but rather fear of what others will think if word gets out that there is abuse in the home. Ms. Valencia’s mom had the option of helping her daughter out, but she chose to be more concerned with the opinions of others and maintaining cultural accepted practices rather than rescuing her daughter. Thankfully, by the grace of God, her daughter’s story turned out to be victorious. Many mothers may not experience that blessing and will spend a lifetime of regret that they didn’t help when they could. Please, may we just emphasize again. DO everything in your power to help your loved ones! No one deserves to live in fear being subjected to torturous abuse! Q: The question was asked to Ms. Valencia to speculate on what could have caused her husband to be so violent and cruel. Was it drugs, alcohol, or other women? A: She explained that he was not using any illicit drugs, but he was participating in extramarital affairs. However, she also touched on the issue of his own insecurity as a possible reason that could have led him to hurt her so badly. Domestic abuse is a complicated issue that has been studied extensively for years. We will not presume that we know more than the experts on this subject. Below, we will address two issues that contribute to gender based violence: Fits of Rage and Insecurity. We are mindful that these are not the only two contributing factors, however space doesn’t permit us to comprehensively cover this topic at length. Here is our humble assessment on this issue of insecurity in its relation to domestic abuse. GBV (Gender Based Violence) occurs when a person is afraid someone they love will leave them or not be faithful to them. They are insecure at the thought of being alone. Many times this stems from people leaving them in childhood. As a child, they were unable to control loved one(s) from leaving. Deep scars and bad memories fill their mind as they reminisce being abandoned, neglected and feeling alone. As an adult now, they have decided they will do everything in their power to never feel that sense of helplessness of losing a loved one again. A desire to dominate and threaten the other person to stay gives them a sense of security that they can control and force the person to stay with them. Ultimately, they deeply desire to be loved, but they fear if their loved one is given the choice, the person might leave. Manipulation tactics abound as the insecure partner tries everything in their power to ensure loyalty and love. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 79
The sad reality is forcing or abusing someone into love never leads to true and fulfilling love. True love is a choice. Here is another sad reality. The person who is so insecure to feel the need to commit acts of GBV desperately needs to be loved because they don’t even love themselves. How can we make that bold assumption?? Someone who loves himself/herself doesn’t draw self-worth from the approval or presence of others. Making it Let me (Percy) share a scenario of a healthy reaction from a time God Practical through HIS GRACE and POWER really helped me to respond like a person who is secure. There was a time during our dating period when Ashley had a travelling job as a Conference Speaker around the United States. I was a student in Canada. During her travels she usually interacted with the same group of fellow speakers. She started developing feelings for this one guy whom she can’t even remember the name of anymore. She called to tell me about her feelings for the guy! I was shocked when she told me because we were close to getting married at the time. I was very angry that the person I loved and intended to marry would have feelings for someone else. However, I thank God because He quickly reminded me that I had 2 choices. Naturally, my first option was to convince her with my words to stay with me. However, the second choice was to let her make her own choice even if it meant she would choose the other guy. Although it killed me to resist trying to convince Ashley to forget about the other guy and choose me – I knew at that point that if I did that, then even if she stayed with and married me she wouldn’t have been doing it out of her own volition. I praise God that He gave me the strength to remember that I was valuable. If she chose the other guy, then that wouldn’t have taken away my intrinsic significance found in the fact only Christ defined my purpose and self-worth. I remembered that my identity was in Christ, and He alone defined me and not my relationship with Ashley. I told Ashley that she was free to be with the other guy if she felt I wasn’t good enough for her. I told her that the times I had spent with her I had given her my all, but that if my all wasn’t enough then I couldn’t possibly give her more than what I was already giving her. I told her that ultimately I realized that my love for her wanted the best for her. I wanted her to be happy even if that meant she might choose the other guy. Let me be honest that it was very difficult for me to respond to Ashley in this manner, but I knew in my heart of hearts that the answer I was giving was the right and mature one. My example above could have probably taken a horrific turn for the worst if I had decided to hold onto Ashley and forcing her into choosing me instead of the other guy. Every time I remember this story I am so humbled and really praise and thank God for helping me to not have used my head (or my fists) but rather listened to the Holy Spirit to make the right decision because we are now celebrating a blissful 16 years of marriage! If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 80
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence If we look at the root problem, insecurity, we can actually find a viable cure. Do they fear that people will think they are insignificant, a failure, unlovable, inferior, etc.? Do they fear being alone? Have they been rejected so many times that they can’t take it another time? WHY ARE THEY SO THREATENED AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING THAT PERSON? Avoiding this self-reflection means they will never be free from the awful effects of their jealously violent outbursts AND IT ALSO means they will never experience the true love they desperately crave. There is hope! To the one who feels insignificant, there is a God who says “I knew you in your mother’s womb; I know the hairs on your head and a word on your tongue before you speak it. I LOVE YOU!” To the one who feels inferior, He says “you can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens you! You are victorious by the power of the HOLY SPIRIT!” To the one who has been rejected, God says “I sent my Son to be REJECTED – to bear YOUR SIN and YOUR SHAME so you DO NOT HAVE TO! While you were still a sinner, I LOVED YOU. Turn from your angry self. Repent and ask me to come in and change you from within. Invite my Spirit of LOVE and SELF CONTROL and GENTLENESS to FILL YOU UP! Believe me when I say you are not unlovable. You are so loved that NOTHING can separate you from my love – not death, not principalities, not powers, not angels… NOTHING!! I promise you no eye has seen nor mind has seen what I have in store for those who love me.” Internalize these words! Think about these words over and over and over until you BELIEVE them. Because once you love yourself, then you can begin to love others. And once your identity is SECURE in God, a source that will NEVER LEAVE YOU, then even if others go, you KNOW YOU ARE VALUABLE and YOU ARE LOVED. Examine your heart. As you analyze yourself and seek healing, a fundamental question to ask yourself is “Where do I gain my security?” 1) Is it in my job? 2) Is it in my relationship? Is it what others think of me? 3) Is it in the car I drive? The problem with allowing our self-worth to be derived from anything that is temporary is it means your SELF WORTH – YOUR VALUE- is TEMPORARY and can be DESTROYED if that person leaves, if that car is taken from you, or if that boss fires you. We want to encourage you to really pray and meditate on scriptures that tell you how valuable you are. Figure out why you are so scared and mad when you can’t control the person’s feelings. Ask God to heal you from within. Ultimately, learn you will NEVER be able to control the feelings of others, but YOU CAN, by the GRACE and POWER of God experience self-control of your own feelings and emotions. Here is a potential solution on this issue of fits of rage in its relation to domestic abuse. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 81
We are going to address from the Biblical perspective because we believe that a person who abuses others actually regrets it at some point. For simplicity sake, we will use the pronoun “he” since statistically it is typically men who are abusive to their wives. However, this in no way suggests that men are not victims of domestic abuse as well. We are aware that at times women also abuse their husbands as well. Also, we are going to thoroughly explain this and hope you can read it, though it is long, because we believe the principles we will share below can help you overcome any sin you are struggling with in your life even if it is not GBV. We don’t believe that he seeks to hurt those he loves, but rather at some point he just loses his temper and his anger takes over. During this point, the logical side of his mind is not working. As the saying goes, he is literally blinded with anger. There are actually fascinating psychological explanations for this, but we won’t go much into detail on those. The point is from those we have counselled and spoken to over the years, they rarely set off to hurt their loved ones and usually feel deep remorse once they come out of their rampage and assess the damage they did while “under the influence of rage.” With this in mind, we don’t believe it will do much good to try and explain to that person the reasons he (or she) shouldn’t abuse others. He probably understands it on an intellectual level but feels captive to the sin that controls him. Therefore, we would like to propose another solution. He can surrender control of his earthly desires and fully give control of his actions over to his Creator – who knows every thought in his head before he speaks it! Romans 7:15-25 says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” We have a Savior who KNOWS we mess up! The Bible says He loved us while we were still sinners! He understands the battle we all have with succumbing to the fleshly desires even when we don’t want to! In fact, even when we don’t understand why we do what we do! Many abusive people have the desire to do that which is right but continue to do evil. The Bible is clear that when we act out of our “flesh”, out of our human nature, these are some of the common struggles we have: “sexual immorality, impurity and If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 82
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.” (Galatians 5:20-21) On the flip side, if we choose to acknowledge we are sinners and ask Jesus to take control of our lives, believing that He died to cleanse us and give us a fresh new start, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit can bring new life to us. When that happens 2 Corinthians 5:17 states that the old you, the one that was a “slave” to doing things which led you to be ashamed of yourself, is gone. A new you plus God’s Spirit now exists. With his supernatural power within you, you are now a new creation. You don’t have to fight these demons alone anymore. The One who is in you is stronger than the one who is in the world! (1 John 4:4) The evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside of you is that, as you more and more seek to please Him, focus on Him, choose obedience to Him, and trust in His plan and will over yours, you will naturally begin to experience and show to others: “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22) Therefore, may we encourage you gently and lovingly, if you are struggling to overcome certain actions which lead you to destroy yourself and others around you, to seek God’s help? Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but God comes to give you abundant life (John 10:10). Run to your Heavenly Father and say “I am messing up! I am trying to do things my way and it just isn’t working. I am scared of losing the people I love, but my actions don’t seem to be helping. I am just going to seek you first and let you work everything else out. Ultimately, I know you will never leave me nor forsake me, and I know that you can help me to love others the way you loved me. Thank you for loving me despite the fact I am not perfect. Help me to also forgive and love others with that same kindness you have shown me.” Q: At what point do you say “I am out of this relationship, or do you always stay and try and work it out?” A: The answer to this question is so incredibly challenging because every situation is different and complex. There really is no one size fits all answer. So, we will just try and address some basic principles and pray God gives wisdom to the person in that situation to know what he/she should do. Firstly, it should be noted that if a person is in physical danger, we would advise to get out as soon as possible. This does not necessarily mean we are suggesting an immediate divorce, but we are strongly encouraging physical distance until the issues are solved and you feel safe to return. In most cases, abuse grows steadily worse over time. Therefore, if the abuse has just happened for the first time, a serious talk needs to happen once the person has calmed down. This is where communication skills are necessary to explain that you were hurt and disappointed. You signed up for a lifetime partnership, and it is Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 83
essential that you mutually respect each other. Stand up for your right to be respected and cherished. Try to figure out what triggered the outburst and if there are solutions. Possibly role play the situation to determine at what point things got out of control and what you and your spouse could have done differently to prevent future damage. If the person shows no remorse or repentance, it must be escalated to authorities outside the home. As a point of clarification, TRUE remorse or repentance means CHANGE in BEHAVIOR, not saying sorry repeatedly after doing it! An additional point of clarification, do not wait until the abuse is physical to escalate and seek help outside the home. If the person is becoming more verbally aggressive, it is most likely a matter of time before it becomes physical and could potentially cause irreversible damage. Various avenues could be sought to escalate such as close family friends who might be able to talk to the perpetrator, family elders, church leaders, or the police. Eventually or immediately, it must get to the law enforcers because you are being subjected to something that goes against your human right to not be beaten and treated disrespectfully. You deserve better than that and the law is on your side to testify to that fact! Do not be embarrassed to speak up. No one can protect or help you unless you engage outside assistance. Having said the above practical advice, we know there are many men who like to guilt trip a woman into believing it is her God assigned duty to submit to her husband and stay by his side “’til death do them part, for better or for worse.” We would like to address this issue more deeply. Any command given in the Bible is for our benefit and ultimately to be followed in order to please God, not to please any person. God is our ultimate authority and also states clearly in Romans 13:1-7 that He desires for us to submit to the law of the land. The law of the land is clear that it is illegal to beat another person. If your husband is asking you to do anything against the law of the land, in this case, it would be against the law of GOD to obey your husband and disobey the law of the land. Additionally, the command to submit to your husband should be read in the context in which it was written in Ephesians 5:21-33. In summary of the roles of men and women, a husband is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church and a wife is to submit to her husband. The wife is commanded by God to submit to her husband out of reverence for Christ. In other words, her higher calling is to Christ and not the husband. For instance, if the husband said something contrary to what Christ says, then the wife would submit to Christ and not her husband. However, if the husband says or does something in line with the word of God, then the wife would submit to the husband which ultimately means she is really submitting to her higher calling of obeying Christ. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 84
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence The husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the church. It is important to note that without this verse, then husbands would abuse their headship role in the home. However, Christs commands us husbands to love our wives the way that He loves the church. Christ loves the church with a pure, sincere and unconditional love which overlooks the imperfections of the church. Of course Christ ultimately demonstrated that sacrificial love by dying on the cross on behalf of all of us. I (Percy) doubt that any wife wouldn’t want to submit to a husband who loves her with the love of Christ. And in such a setting there certainly wouldn’t be any reason for any husband to demand submission from his wife. Having explained this, husbands, may we encourage you not to hide behind that scripture of reminding her to submit to you if you are not willing to also follow the scripture which instructs you to love her selflessly, gently, and sacrificially with forgiveness, humility and kindness as you consider her needs greater than your own (Philippians 2:3-4). God has given you a great mission to cherish, protect and honor your bride. By His power living in you, He can equip you to do this. One more point must be said on this issue. Miracles can happen. People can change. Prayer does work. Lives can turn around. Though you must protect yourself and any children involved as we stated above, don’t be quick to give up if something in you feels there is still hope, but make sure by this point you’ve shared with a third party for accountability. We believe in a God of restoration, hope and healing, and we desire for families to be united and not ripped apart if at all possible. To come back to the original question, we are not advocates for divorce normally and unfortunately, scripture is not clear on what God would lead you to do in the situation where the abusive spouse shows no desire to change. However, we would definitely encourage you not to live under the same roof until these issues are solved. It is not healthy for you and certainly has a tremendously negative impact on any children who might be observing these destructive behaviors. Q: What should we do if we know of someone being abusive? A: We can NOT take a bystander mentality claiming it isn’t my business. At some point, if this is a close friend, a relative, or even a church member, you MUST try and be an ambassador of peace. That person needs help! She/he is SUFFERING, perhaps in silence, but she is CRYING out for someone to rescue her/him from this hell that has become her life! This is where it calls on us to put love into action! Additionally, men, if you are hanging out with men and they make jokes that are degrading to women, do not laugh along! Make them feel the shame they should feel for joking about women in a manner that is disrespectful! Boldly state you disagree and explain why! That is your opportunity to contribute to solutions and help your Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 85
brother. Do not be so worried about what others will say about you. You will never regret taking a stand for what is right. Q: An audience member asked Ms. Valencia how she healed after being shot point blank by her husband and having survived years of abuse. A: Her answer was powerful, so we hope you go and listen in the actual video, but to sum it up, she testified that she has been able to heal because she claimed it is no longer her living, but Christ lives in her. We want you to know this. NO matter what you have gone through, God can bring beauty from ashes. God can allow you to forgive and move on. God can allow you to love your enemies. God can bring good out of any circumstance if you turn your eyes to His healing, His promises, and His love. We have heard countless testimonies of survivors of domestic abuse who testify that on their own, they were depressed and hopeless but once they turned to Jesus, He brought them out of the pit and gave them new life. He whispered His love and counselled them day by day ushering them into light and a path of salvation. If you have suffered from any type of abuse, do not let that define you! That person stole your right to a happy past; do not give them the power to steal your right to a happy future! Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your spouse to help you deal more deeply with this issue of Gender Based Violence (Domestic Violence). Q: Do you know of any family member or friend who is experiencing some type of abuse in their marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What are some practical things you can do for that person to support them or rescue them? If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 86
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: If you are going through some type of abuse, do you feel safe to seek help? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you think drives a person to abuse people they are close to? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: If you know someone who is abusive, is there anything you can do to encourage and help them deal with their fits of rage and jealousy in a healthier manner? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you feel a spouse should do if he/she is being abused? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 87
__________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: You might not struggle with abusive tendencies, but in the list from Galatians 5:20-21, was there any quality you are struggling with and feel you could use some help from God to stop doing actions you are ashamed of? If so, what actions are you going to take to get help and turn from your hurtful actions? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you feel the church should do when they find out a person within the church is abusing their spouse? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: How do you understand Ephesians 5:21-33 when it says a man should love his wife as Christ loves the church and a wife should submit to her husband? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 88
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Gender Based Violence Q: The issue of insecurity was addressed. A fundamental question to ask yourself is “Where do I gain my security?” Is it in my job? Is it in my relationship? Is it what others think of me? Is it in the car I drive? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: How would you respond to your spouse if they told you something that made you so angry you could hardly speak (an affair, bad financial decision, etc.)? Sometimes we don’t like to think about negative issues, but preparing ourselves and thinking through healthy approaches actually is a worthwhile mental exercise. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 89
Children We always hear that children are a blessing, and they certainly are, but sometimes they cause strain on a marriage when they become the central focus. Sometimes the couple focuses more on the children than each other. Eventually, the children don’t need so much attention as they grow and the couple finds they do not have anything in common because they haven’t nourished their individual friendship outside of just being co-parents. Another problem can be that the wife puts so much energy into nurturing the children that the husband feels left out of his own home. Disagreements also happen when the two parents don’t agree on child raising skills and how to discipline. Furthermore, frustrations also are bound to crop up in the bedroom when physical intimacy becomes difficult when one or both of you are so physically exhausted from the hectic demands of child rearing. Q: How do you balance time between the kids and your spouse? A: It is always important to remember what came first. The two of you are the foundation to this family. As a couple, you decided to start a life together and grow together. Part of that journey is bringing children into the picture, but they are brought in as a part of YOUR journey. They are not meant to make you leave the main path and join a secondary path. They should complement the original “team”, not divide it. Children are meant to be a blessing not a bother. The home cannot revolve around the children. It is not healthy for the children to think they have that much control, and it isn’t healthy for you to allow them such control. You must protect your marriage because your job is to work together to create INDEPENDENT adults who, if you do your job well, will LEAVE your home and go start their own families. Yet, your spouse should be by your side ‘til death does you part. Let’s make it practical: 1) Set aside time to talk each day, and try to make sure to include subjects other than the kids. If you are talking and the kids want your attention, make it clear to them that they are not allowed to interrupt you. The message needs to be clear. My spouse is important and you are not allowed to disturb us when we are talking. 2) Go on dates. I hear of people saying “my child just whines and makes me feel guilty if we go out and leave him/her behind, so we just decided to take the kids.” There is nothing wrong with taking the kids out, however if you WANT TO GO FOR A DATE, do not let your child have the power to dictate your If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 90
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Children social plans. It builds up a spoiled mentality in the child and builds up resentment in you when you lose your freedom in such a way. 3) Exercise together. A great way to keep your body in shape and get some quality conversation in on a regular planned basis is to go for walks, jogs, or hikes. 4) If you have the space in your home, try and get the child out of the bedroom as early as possible. This is a matter of preference so we don’t want to spend too much time on this one, but we have counselled couples who have ended in divorce because of lack of intimacy caused by the fact the child still slept with them, and they claim they just couldn’t ask him/her to leave because of the tears that ensued. 5) Defend your spouse. NEVER let your children badmouth your spouse and you should NEVER bad mouth your spouse in front of your children! Let them know the two of you stand TOGETHER! It actually makes them feel more secure knowing their parents are a stable and united force. Let me give you an example of this in practice. When Caleb, our son, was around 4, he went on this spree where he would hit me when he didn’t get his way in a little temper tantrum. I would faithfully discipline, but it was a slow habit to break. At 4, he wasn’t really hurting me, but I knew I needed to break the habit before he got older and stronger. My husband was usually at work when this would occur, but one day he observed it. He quickly grabbed our son, looked him in the eye and firmly said, “You will NOT hit my wife!” He gave him 2 spankings to associate a negative consequence then sat him down on his lap and explained that “mommy is very special to me. You cannot hit her. I will always protect her, and I need your help to treat mommy like a queen in our home.” That habit quickly stopped once my husband got on board and “defended” me. There is nothing worse than the kids and one spouse ganging up on the other. You don’t feel loved and valued in your own home, which should be your comfortable refuge and safe haven from the world. Stick together and defend each other. 6) Intentionally plan family activities that everyone enjoys doing together to spend quality time with your spouse and your children at the same time. For us, that means we eat dinner as a family. We do family devotionals together. We have family dance parties, watch movies together, and do family game nights frequently. These activities strengthen our bond with our kids and with each other simultaneously. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 91
Q: What do you do when you are breastfeeding your child and your husband is waiting for the same breast? A: I (Ashley) will answer this from the women’s perspective and then Percy will answer from the man’s perspective. I can relate to this question as a mother of three children who were all breastfed exclusively for at least a year or longer! When you are an involved mother (whether you are breastfeeding or not), your kids will demand a lot of your time. It does get easier as the kids mature and become more independent, but many marriages are put to the test in those early years where kids need so much attention. At the end of the day, the last thing you want to do is be intimate with your husband. In fact, with your stained shirt from spit up and food flicked at you, your unwashed hair, the bags under your eyes from inadequate sleep, and the headache from listening to the incessant crying you do not FEEL sexy nor WANT sex. All you want is SLEEP! That is totally natural! However, let me encourage you as women to be very careful in this stage. Men think about sex. Unlike us women who need to be in the “mood”, a man is almost always in the mood. If he is not getting these needs met at home, he WILL be tempted to look elsewhere. That does not EXCUSE him. He SHOULD exercise patience and self- control to be faithful to his wife, but as wives, we also don’t need to make it so hard for them. It is also common for the man to begin to resent the children who have “taken” his wife away from him because things were good before “they” came along. The last thing you want is to play a part in preventing your children and your husband from forming deep loving bonds from their earliest days. Therefore, may I please encourage you? This season will pass. Until it does, please be willing to forgo some of the romantic notions that you can’t be intimate without him wining and dining you first. There just is rarely time for that type of foreplay in these young years of a child’s life. By all means, try and still enjoy intimacy, but just understand that for a season you need to meet his needs to the best of your ability, even if that means the act is “quicker” than you would prefer. Let him know you are trying your best to be a good mom AND a good wife. He will respect you and be loyal to you when he sees you are trying to accommodate his needs. Let me also give you a practical tip that worked wonders for us. Sleep training is controversial so I don’t want to spend too much time on this, but our aim is to make this as useful as possible to help you have the best marriage possible! We followed advice from a book called “On becoming Baby Wise” by Gary Ezzo and Dr Robert Bucknam, M.D. It teaches very simply how to sleep train your children. I exclusively breastfed my children, meaning they didn’t take a bottle, and all 3 of my children slept through the night by age 9 WEEKS. By “sleep through the night”, I mean I put them to sleep in their baby beds and did not see them again for 8 hours. By 12 weeks, every single one of them slept for 12 hours at night and continued that If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 92
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Children habit of 12 hours of sleep a night until around 4 years of age when I started them in school and their schedule didn’t allow them to sleep as long. I have trained countless moms using this technique. Every single mom who follows the advice has their children sleeping through the nights within weeks. It really does work and is a great aid if lack of sleep really is preventing intimacy. It is now my turn (Percy) to share from a man’s perspective. Men, sometimes our culture has various traditions that allow us to back out a bit during these early stages and not feel guilty about not being around. May I just encourage you to do what is best for your family, even if it is not widely acceptable in your culture? For example, in our Botswana culture, the woman is encouraged to stay with her mom for the first 3 months after child birth in order to get constant help and support. Most of the time, the man remains at home apart from his wife and new child. When it came time for us to have children, I realized this cultural practice would prevent me from bonding with my child and would leave my wife to start an incredible new journey of parenting this new person WE brought into the world without ME. Forgoing social norms, I chose to be by her side every step of the journey – from the delivery room to the late nights where we woke up to deal with a crying baby, to sleep training – to burping the kids immediately after being breastfed. It was our journey together. It was OUR kids to raise together. I have never regretted making that choice and have an incredibly special bond with each of my children that I believe began in those early days of rocking them to sleep, endless hours of cuddling with them held closely against my chest, changing their nappies (diapers), giving them baths, and playing countless games of peek-a-boo with them. Additionally, because I was in the “trenches” with her, I was also just as tired meaning as I wasn’t as demanding on her because I too just wanted to sleep. Also, observing just how taxing her days were, there were definitely times when I didn’t voice out my desires out of compassion to allow her to go to sleep without feeling she wasn’t meeting my sexual needs. Empathy goes a long way in marriage, but to be empathetic you have to really feel what each other are feeling. However, lest you think I was a saint who took a vow of celibacy during this time, there were times when I wanted my wife and thankfully, she understood the importance of those requests! I just wanted to emphasize it is a two way street. Women, make some sacrifices to please your man. Men, make some sacrifices to please your wife! Q: How can husbands assist in those early years? A: I (Percy) touched on this in the previous answer but let me just list a few practical examples below. 1) Babies need a lot of stimulation and attention. As a man be intentional about volunteering to take the baby for a walk, feed the baby or play various little games with the baby so your wife can sleep between the feeding times. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 93
2) Help out in the kitchen during these early times when your wife is so focused on feeding the children that she forgets to feed herself. 3) Give your wife frequent massages. Breastfeeding, holding children for a good part of the day, and physical exhaustion creates a lot of strain on her body. A massage is a relaxing way to pamper her and help her relieve tension in her overworked muscles. 4) Hold the child as much as possible to create that bond between you and your child. I remember when we had our first born, I was working 2 jobs. I was a High school Mathematics teacher in the States from 7am-3pm. Directly from that job, I went to a Software Development job for a mega company who was selling their products online globally. To meet the needs of our family and make time to bond with our new daughter, I made an agreement with my employer that I would work at the office until 7:00pm each night. After that, I needed to go be with my family and would finish the work after I put my daughter to bed. I would come home and my wife and I would go for a walk pushing our daughter in a stroller so she could tell me about their day. After our walk, I would feed our daughter dinner, bathe our daughter, sing to her and hold her and rock her to sleep. During this time, Ashley could have time to herself to reenergize. Afterwards, I would spend another hour with Ashley and then get back to work ‘til midnight or later. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it to be intentional about spending that time with my daughter despite my heavy workload during that season. I want to add a side note here to further illustrate the partnership model of marriage. Most of these nights, after I put our daughter to bed, Ashley would spend the rest of the night until she went to bed grading High school Mathematics papers and/or inputting grades into the computer. She understood that the work didn’t stop accumulating when I made time for family, so she was thoughtful to pitch in a helping hand so as I lightened her load, she in turn lightened my load. A healthy happy marriage is a partnership in all areas! Q: Is it wrong to fight in front of the children? A: Obviously, some fights will occur, but by all means, try and portray a united front with the children. This actually is to your advantage in more ways than one. 1) It actually creates MORE friction in the home if the child knows they can go to one parent to get them to give permission for something the other parents said no to. It allows the child to “play you against one another”. 2) It also tears down boundaries and respect for authority in the mind of the child. If the two of you disagree on child rearing, try to discuss your strategy alone If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 94
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Children so that you have an agreed on plan that you both can support in front of the kids. Also, you two will resent each other if you don’t do this TOGETHER as a team. 3) Psychological studies show that it stresses children when there is instability in the home. The uncertainty of knowing whether their parents will stay together can cause emotional damage that will hurt them for years to come. Sometimes, we assume because they can’t verbalize their apprehensions, they don’t observe the tension, but please be assured that they do notice. One of the best gifts you can give your child is a secure and stable home where the children are SURE YOU LOVE EACH OTHER so that their minds don’t have to worry about things that their maturity level doesn’t totally understand. Let them worry about normal childhood issues, not whether daddy will come home tonight or whether mommy will shout so much that they are scared to come out of their room. These uncomfortable situations are hard for anyone to observe, but especially hard for little people who are so moldable and can’t fully process the emotions they are experiencing when they witness such turbulent behaviors. At this point in the show, we introduced our children, who when we filmed this episode were: Anna Catherine (11), Caleb (10), and Abi (7). The reason we brought the kids onto the show was to make this as practical as possible. Our family is by no means perfect, but we are certainly happy. We share some tips that have worked for us NOT in an attempt to portray we have it all together, but just to share with you some lessons it has taken us years to learn. We can keep learning from one another on this journey called parenthood. We hope you will make a plan to watch this episode if you haven’t yet because we won’t be able to represent our children’s funny and honest answers adequately in writing. This really turned out to be a hilarious episode! Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 95
Many of the following questions were directed to our children. Q: Kids, what do you like about your parents? A: Anna Catherine: “I like that they spend time with us” Caleb: “I like that they eat dinner with us” Abi: “I like that my father teaches us devotionals every single night. I also like that my daddy takes us all for dates.” The underlying common theme in all of these answers is that our children want us to spend quality time with them. Even as they grow up and act like they don’t care, they still secretly love time with us. Let’s be intentional about giving them that and really bonding as a family. To make it practical, we will expound a bit on our children’s answers. We make it a point to hear about their day, find out who their friends are, watch the latest movie they want to see, etc. We are intentional about spending time with them to really get to know them. We are all very busy, so dinner time is a time where we try to eat together most nights. (HEAR THE WORD TRY because it does NOT happen every night) At the dinner table, we try and turn our phones off so that we all look at each other and talk. After dinner, Percy tries to teach the kids lessons from the Bible. We believe God’s words have wonderful plans that have guided us to a really fulfilling life. We want to teach our children these age old lessons that will add wisdom, purpose, and direction to their lives. It is to be noted again that the key word is TRY because there are many nights where it is just too late, and we have to send the kids to bed without these meaningful lessons together. Dates! This is something my (Ashley) father did with me and now Percy does with our kids. I also am one of 3 children, and although there was something to be said for us all 5 being together as a family, there was always something really special about my dad taking just me out. Our kids look forward to this event more than you can imagine! Each month, Percy takes one child. So, January is Anna Catherine, February – Caleb, March – Abi, etc. One day, usually a Friday afternoon when time is not as rushed with no school the next day, Percy will come home and pick that child up for their date. It usually is not an expensive trip. Sometimes they get ice cream or just go to the Kentucky Fried Chicken fast food restaurant down the road. The point is not the money spent but the quality one-on-one time that instills the message into that child that they are of extreme value to boost their self-confidence. We assure them of their importance and remind them they are valuable and worthy of their daddy’s sole attention. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 96
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Children Usually during this time, juicy secrets come out as they sit across from each other just chatting out on their date! These times when they are younger are building a foundation which will help us continue to stay connected to them and pave the way for important conversations we will need to have with them as they mature and life throws them temptations to make bad choices. They will know we are there for them and are always willing to give an ear to hear their struggles and walk with them through good times and bad times. Q: How do your parents discipline you? A: Abi: “They spank us” Anna Catherine: “We get spankings for the 3 D’s in our home. 2 spankings for Disobedience, 2 spankings for Disrespect and 5 spankings for Dishonesty. We need to know what not to do and what we should do.” Caleb: “If we don’t get punished then we won’t know when we are doing bad things and we will keep doing them over and over. For example, if my habit is stealing and I am never punished for this, then when I get older I might break into people’s homes and end up going to jail.” In our home, we have a lot of fun, but there are clear boundaries and when these are broken, there is always a negative consequence. When the kids were younger, this was generally a spanking. However, as they have gotten older, taking away privileges is way more effective. Discipline can be effective regardless of which method you use, so we don’t want to focus too much on the method. You will decide what works for you and each child is different anyway. The KEY to effective discipline is consistently giving a negative consequence to an undesirable action. If your child knows they will not get away with disobeying your rules and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they will face some sort of pain, they will stop. Again, we aren’t perfect. There are definitely days when we threaten and don’t follow through, but our house is full of much more peace and joy, when the boundaries are clearly outlined and consistently followed. Let us give a quick parenting encouragement and illustration here to make it practical. If the government makes a law that you can’t drive through a red light and every time someone goes through a red light, a painful ticket is given, people will stop running red lights. They will realize it just isn’t worth it! But, if SOMETIMES a ticket is given and SOMETIMES it isn’t, people will always try their chances because we are by nature selfish people who don’t always follow rules when we don’t feel like it. This lack of consistency causes a lot of harm and havoc at intersections with accidents. This lack of consistency also causes problems with the government as some would Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 97
complain, “Why do you favor that person? I saw her run a red light yesterday and she didn’t get a ticket and now today, I do the same thing and get in trouble!” Chaos abounds when boundaries are not clearly defined and adhered to. Does that sound familiar to your children? “Abi talked back to you yesterday and she didn’t get in trouble? Now I do it and you take away a privilege! You love her more!” Or, you set a rule and the kids are always disobeying pushing the limits because they don’t know if today is the day they will get away with it. Let us stress again – CONSISTENCY with an unpleasant punishment is the KEY to a peaceful home as much as it is the KEY to a safe traffic intersection. Q: Do you kids get everything you want when you are at the shops? A: Abi: “NO! They don’t give us any sugar unless it is our birthday or we are at a party.” Caleb: “My mom wants us to be healthy and she doesn’t want to spoil us.” We believe that kids thrive and function at a more optimum level and get sick less often if they eat less sugar and less processed food. Therefore, our diet is high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, beans and milk. In our home, it is rare for us to have fizzy drinks and processed junk food. Our kids are rarely sick, and I believe their diet which is rich in immune boosting foods plays a key role in this. I (Ashley) actually have written a healthy eating cookbook outlining in detail how we eat, how I grow our food in the yard, and even included a 10 day meal plan with what our meals look like. You can email me at [email protected] if you are interested in purchasing that book while we work on getting it uploaded onto our website, www.ashleythaba.com . In full disclosure and an attempt to be totally honest, I should point out that this is an area where I do not always practice what I preach! My kids are poster children for healthy eaters! I, on the other hand, can’t go a day without at least one chocolate bar and frequently eat a big pot of popcorn with chocolate or something sweet for a late night snack after the kids go to bed! Sadly, I am admittedly a hypocrite in this area! Ha! Q: What if you are at a friend’s house and they turn on something you shouldn’t see? A: Abi: “I’d close my eyes! Some things are bad and once you see something, you can never get it out of your minds.” If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 98
Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Children What Abi shared above is a concept called GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out). GIGO doesn’t only apply to children. If we fill our minds with garbage, then garbage is what will come out when we interact with others. We realize that the kids will have temptations, so we frequently role play and discuss various scenarios they might encounter and come up with action plans of how they will be able to realistically not give into the temptation or worldly exposure. While there are some things we shelter the kids from, we also realize that pretending bad things don’t happen is not wise. It is better we face some of these issues head on and prepare them for the battles they will inevitably face to equip them to live with integrity. Q: Do you have friends your parents don’t like? A: Anna Catherine: “Everybody has good friends and bad friends. Sometimes in life, we have to choose to drop the bad friends because they will influence you to do the wrong things and then they get you into trouble.” We have explained to our children that “bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33). They need to be careful with choosing likeminded friends so that they don’t succumb to peer pressures to do things they might regret later in life. Q: How do you balance the way you treat them? Sometimes my kids will say “Who is your favorite?” A: We have chosen to be honest with our kids. We tell them their strengths and weaknesses, so they know what they are doing well at and areas they need to improve in. We celebrate their victories. We also are intentional about spending one- on-one time with each child in an effort to build up their self-confidence. Making it practical, when you compliment one child, another will inevitably say “What about me? You don’t think I am also …?” Then, we take that as an opportunity to explain “Just because I compliment your sister doesn’t mean I insulted you. You need to learn to be happy for her without taking it personally and getting jealous.” We also do not give a compliment if it is not deserved. We don’t do anyone favors by rewarding behavior that isn’t worth rewarding. However, if a child has truly tried their best or done something praise worthy, we get everyone in the family to celebrate with them. This might be with a huge family hug, a card where we all write an encouraging message, or a little cheer we all make up and chant out “WELL DONE WELL DONE OUR CLEVER BOY!” This might even mean that child gets a treat the others do not get. Again, this is an intentional training that it is GOOD to celebrate others! There is no need to get jealous because your day might be tomorrow when we all celebrate you. In the real world, they will not always be the center of attention, and they need to be prepared for that! Q: How do you deal with the fighting that happens between siblings? Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 99
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