Transformative Emotional Intelligence for a Positive Career and Life

Gary R. Low Richard D. Hammett TRANSFORMATIVE AEFOMNRDOATLIIPOFOENSAITLIIVNISETTCERLAIBLRUIGETEIEORNNCE© Gary R. Low DRichard D. Hammett RNo part of this book may be reproduced or retransmitted in any form or by any Omeans without the written permission of the authors. T FThis book is published by Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems, Inc. OPO Box 271877 NCorpus Christi, TX 78427 www.EiLearningSys.com Portions of this book were previously published by Pearson Education, Inc. The authors of the Pearson book were Darwin Nelson and Gary Low. ISBN: 978 0 9814842 1 1 ----

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FOREWORD Emotional intelligence could very well be the most relevant set of skills anyone can develop in the 21st century. Putting these skills to practice on a daily basis keeps me grounded in an often-unpredictable world. Transformative Emotional Intelligence for a Positive Career and Life not only discusses the value of emotional intelligence, but walks us through the processes anyone can take to flourish in academics, career, and relationships. Dr. Gary Low and Dr. Rick Hammett are extremely qualified theorists to teach these skills. I have had the honor of working with them both, along with the late Dr. NDarwin Nelson, for over a decade in the pursuit of helping others to improve their IOlives based on these skills. I began attending their annual international conferences Tback in 2009, and was drawn in to their fascinating research, analogies, and Uteachings. Upon graduating with my Master of Science degree in Counseling, I IBbegan to utilize some of the skills they taught me with my students that I worked Rwith in higher education. I saw the life changing outcomes with students, and Tmyself, through putting these skills into practice and decided to continue with Dr. ISLow, Dr. Hammett, and the late Dr. Darwin Nelson on the path of the pursuit of Dknowledge in emotional intelligence by graduating with my PhD in General RPsychology. I then entered another phase of my career as a professor of Opsychology, and have enjoyed a continued collegial relationship with Dr. Low and FDr. Hammett. They are my mentors, having impacted my life through their theory Tand teachings. Above all, Dr. Low and Dr. Hammett have become some of my Oclosest and most trusted personal friends in my life. NIn a previous book titled Emotional Intelligence: Achieving Academic and Career Excellence, by Dr. Darwin Nelson and Dr. Gary Low, the beginning conceptualization of the idea of transformative emotional intelligence was put forth. This previous book has been used by several colleges, universities, secondary schools, and business/industry worldwide to help others achieve professional, academic, and personal goals and success. They define emotional intelligence as a living skill-set that individuals use to reach their goals. This latest edition to their concept of emotional intelligence, is a must-read for anyone who wants to live a meaningful life that is true to the pursuit of knowledge and success. Dr. Low and Dr. Hammett write their book in a very practical way for the reader. It’s a book to do, as much to read. The lessons taught make sense and bring real-world i

application to anyone seeking improvement of life. This book is a must for business and industry, academic environments, and even those desiring general self- improvements. Dr. Low and Dr. Hammett practice what they teach, and the foundation of Transformative Emotional Intelligence for a Positive Career and Life blossomed from their many decades of research and experience helping others to change their lives. The message imparted in this book was written from a foundation of love. Get ready to change your life! Dr. Lauren Denver-Potter Professor of Psychology Consultant of Emotional Intelligence NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION ii

PROLOGUE Human beings have two unique capacities that distinguish them from all other life forms: (a) the ability to think reflectively and (b) the awareness that we are imperfect. Teaching and learning excellence involves developing and applying constructive thinking (transformative emotional intelligence) skills and perfecting ourselves by achieving a meaningful personal goal each day. The goal of transformative emotional intelligence is to become your best self and do your best (achieve excellence) in what you do and how you are in your relationships with self and others. IONOptimistic people are hopeful and see imperfections as specific challenges to change and improve current behavior. We pursue perfection, not for attainment, but Trather for the opportunity to develop excellence by staying focused on our strengths IBUand working to shore up our weaknesses. When we do our very best and fail to achieve a high goal, our progress is forward and positive rather than static or Rdownward. Setting and achieving meaningful personal goals is an essential element ISTof transformative emotional intelligence. We do not reach high levels of achievement without setting lofty goals that contain the risk of failure. Success and Dfailure are close companions. We have found it impossible to reach for one without Rbumping into the other. FOWe agree with Albert Einstein that the only source of knowledge is experience. We want you to experience transformative emotional intelligence so that you can Tsee and feel the benefits of improved performance and personal well-being. We NOoffer this book as a personal change process that involves your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Your brain and your behavior are complex, and positive change occurs one step at a time. We all have the potential within us to develop excellence and well-being. Transformative emotional intelligence is the process of changing and improving yourself in ways that are valuable and meaningful to you. Our hope is that you will experience this book as an engaging conversation that is helpful to you as a person. We have made our best attempt to keep the conversation direct, brief and clear. We accept responsibility for our beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and respect your right to differ. We ask only that you experiment with the process of teaching and learning transformative iii

emotional intelligence and determine its value and benefit for you as you work with others. Our potential as a person is determined by two minds: a thinking mind (IQ) and an emotional mind (EI). Emotional Intelligence (EI) is your learned and developed ability to think constructively and act wisely. EI skills are constructive thinking skills that improve your performance and level of well-being. Transformative EI involves practicing a constructive thinking process that you can apply to solve problems and improve your behavior daily. Transformative EI is a protective and preventive process for keeping you productive and healthy in a stressful and demanding world. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION iv

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS We are humbled and blessed to create and develop original works to help individuals, families, educational entities, business, and communities based on research with 44+ years and counting. The focus of our research, professional experience, and study has been and is on transformative EI skills-based learning, growth, and development. Helping learners achieve greater health, productivity, career success, well-being, and personal excellence is our life’s mission. There are many positive and highlight learning points that have influenced our work and resulted in significant contributions to advance the scholarship and application of our work with Transformative Emotional Intelligence (TEI). While we are not able Nto recognize many of the people and organizations embracing our positive IOassessments and emotional learning systems, we acknowledge some and wish we Tcould include all. IBUWe always reference our life’s work with Darwin Nelson, our long-time friend and colleague. Darwin was not only a friend but a treasure for leading edge Rthinking and positive work everywhere. From studying the history of south Texas, ISTMexico, along Padre Island, Darwin found old bottles reflecting history, and adventures along the coasts. An avid bamboo grower for the environment, Darwin Dwas keenly aware of creative understanding of emotional skills to guide new Rlearning to impact education, psychology, and life learning from the East and West. OTransformative EI learning & development help us navigate less traveled roads and Fadventures in dynamic and essential learning with personal, emotional, relational, Tlife (PERL) skills. NOPrentice-Hall invited us to publish our skills-based emotional intelligence learning models used with first year students and learners in transition from school to college to community. Emotional Intelligence: Achieving Academic and Career Excellence was published in 2004 and 2011 (2nd edition). These developments were significant and taught us the need to extend our transformative learning curricula to integrate and extend wholistic learning for schools, higher education, business, families, and communities with professional coaching, teaching and learning excellence, leadership and performance excellence while creating a team development model of excellence to achieve a positive life and career. Empowering individuals and groups with an emerging, integrated theory of human behavior centered around key skills that differentiated healthy and successful people from v

those not quite so successful and healthy. We appreciate Pearson Education for publishing our first formal book for education and the general public. We extend heartfelt acknowledgement to our many students contributing to the growing research base of transformative emotional skills for people and organizations . . . locally, nationally, globally. We learned more from them than they from us. We stay in touch with students, friends, and colleagues. Today, we are more excited about the importance and value of our work than when we began. Special acknowledgement to our friend and mentor Margo Murray. We are blessed with support, and continuing developments from doctoral research, organization specific studies, and participation in our annual Institute for Emotional Intelligence (2004-2021+). Our friend and colleague Rick Hammett joined us in our life’s work in 2004 and extended research, developments with leading edge thinking, and Nleadership excellence. IOAfter two decades of research, we formally planned and convened the inaugural TInstitute for Emotional Intelligence on the beautiful campus of Texas A&M UUniversity-Kingsville. Early in our work, community colleges embraced our work IBwith new and first-generation students. In 2006 South Texas College (STC) began Rto incorporate college-wide College Success and faculty-staff developments to build Ta culture of care with caring and dedicated faculty to improve career success, well- ISbeing, and leadership. STC continues to apply TEI skills in whole person learning Dand faculty development to support student learning. Galveston College and RMcLennan Community Colleges embraced innovative strategic planning with their OQuality Enhancement Plans (QEP), adopted our assessments and learning systems Fto enhance student success, effort, and retention. Galveston College (Keys to TStudent Success) and McLennan Community College (Learning Environment OAdaptability Program-LEAP) were strategic development programs to build Ncultures of student success and life development. United States Military organizations began using our positive assessment instruments and Emotional Learning Systems materials in 2008. We would like to thank several components of the Space Force’s Air University including the Air Education and Training Command, the Squadron Officer College, and the Profession of Arms Center for Excellence, as well as the Barnes Center’s First Sergeant’s Academy, all located in Montgomery, AL; the Inter-European Air Force Academy and the Kisling Non-Commissioned Officer Academy located in Ramstein, Germany; and the U.S. Army’s Combined Arms Center located in Fort Leavenworth, KS. We value and appreciate the military for recognizing the vi

importance of TEI in their professional military training curricula, and for the tireless work they do to protect us every day. Transformative Emotional Intelligence is our voice in the world. We are a small and growing voice with a highly specialized history and clear focus with transformative learning models of emotional intelligence. Thank you to all of our positive, wonderful, talented colleagues, and professional associates. The Emotional Intelligence Training and Research Institute (EITRI, 2006) was formally developed with encouragement from colleagues in our conferences. We are proud of our colleagues in Texas, nationally, and internationally … Ashis Sen and team in India, Cristina Pena, Rosa Nelly Ramirez and teams in Mexico, Alessandra Gonzaga and Marcelo do Carmo in Brazil, Delia Mateias in Romania, and good colleagues everywhere. We hope you join us in our vision of building healthier and Nmore successful programs in education, business, community, and government for IOpositive, productive societies and cultures. Transformative EI skills, behaviors, Tstrategies are needed today and tomorrow in our efforts to achieve a positive career Uand life. RIBWarmest personal regards. NOT FOR DISTGary Low and Richard Hammett vii

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS Gary R. Low, Ph.D. Gary Low, is Professor Emeritus of Education, Texas A&M University-Kingsville, Consulting Psychologist, Patron and Life Member of the Forum for EI Learning (FEIL) in India, a principal of EI Learning Systems, Inc., and a founding faculty member of the Emotional Intelligence Training & Research Institute (EITRI). Beginning in 1977, Dr. Low together with his good friend and colleague, the late Dr. Darwin Nelson, created the research derived, person- centered, skills-based, and relationship focused theory of transformative emotional intelligence (TEI). There have been over 80 doctoral dissertations and research Narticles published highlighting TEI and its embedded Emotional Learning System. IOBeginning in 2004, an annual conference is convened to learn and share research Tand best practice examples of using TEI in schools, businesses, government, and in Ucommunity settings. The 2022 – Nineteenth Annual Institute for Emotional IBIntelligence will be a hybrid event conducted online and face-to-face in Corpus RChristi, Texas. DISTRichard Hammett, Ed.D., is a contributing faculty member in Walden University’s Richard W. Riley College of Education and Leadership where he teaches and Rsupervises doctoral research. He is also a principal in Emotional Intelligence FOLearning Systems, Inc., founding faculty member of the Emotional Intelligence Training and Research Institute (EITRI), and Patron member of the Forum for TEmotional Intelligence Learning (FEIL) in India. His professional interests include NOsocial science research, especially in transformative emotional intelligence (TEI), teaching and training, coordinating the EITRI’s Annual Institutes for Emotional Intelligence, publishing, and serving as Executive Editor for EITRI’s journal, the International Journal for Transformative Emotional Intelligence. Previous books on Transformative Emotional Intelligence Low, G. R. (2000). Quantifying emotional intelligence: Positive contributions of the emotional mind. Twentieth Annual Faculty Lecture for Texas A&M University- Kingsville. ix

Low, G. R., & Hammett, R. D. (2019). Transformative emotional intelligence: Achieving leadership and performance excellence. Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems. Nelson, D. B., & Low, G. R. (2004). Emotional intelligence: Achieving academic and career excellence. Pearson Higher Education. Nelson, D. B., & Low, G. R. (2011). Emotional intelligence: Achieving academic and career excellence in college and in life. (2nd ed.). Pearson Higher Education. Nelson, D. B., Low, G. R., Hammett, R. D., & Sen, A. (2013). Professional coaching: A transformative and research-based model. Emotional Intelligence Learning Systems. NNelson, D. B., Low, G. R., Nelson, K. W., & Hammett, R. D. (2015). Teaching and IOlearning excellence: Engaging self and others with emotional intelligence. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTEmotional Intelligence Learning Systems. x

CONTENTS i iii FOREWORD v Prologue ix Acknowledgments 1 About the Authors 1 Chapter 1 3 A Positive, Healthy Life 4 6 Your Emotional Mind 7 9 NThe Emotional System 10 IOBreaking the Emotional Reactivity Habit 11 THealthy Learning Environments 12 IBUStress, Burn-out, and Boredom 15 15 Life Success Factors 15 18 TRHigh Achievement and Self-Directed Learning 23 ISChapter Link 25 DChapter 2 26 ROrigin and Application of a Transformative Learning Model 32 OOrigin 35 FImportant In luences 37 TWhole Person Learning – The Emotional Learning System 37 NOAn Exercise: Explore, Identify, Understand 37 38 A Practical Model of Basic, Primary Emotions 40 Lessons Learned on the Beach 44 Chapter Link CHAPTER 3 Constructive and Creative Thinking How We think – Not What We Think Think Constructively and Behave Wisely Four Ways of Thinking Five Thought Domains xi f

Chapter Link 46 CHAPTER 4 47 Transformative Emotional Intelligence 47 47 A Framework for Positive Change and Growth 48 TEI Tenets 50 Importance of the TEI Tenets 53 TEI Enduring Qualities 59 Chapter Link 61 CHAPTER 5 61 TEI Skills of the Intrapersonal Domain 61 61 NSelf Esteem, Stress Management, and Positive Change 63 IOPreview 71 89 TEI LESSON 1: SELF ESTEEM 93 95 UTTEI LESSON 2: STRESS MANAGEMENT 95 IBTEI LESSON 3: POSITIVE CHANGE 95 RLink to Next Chapter 95 TCHAPTER 6 97 ISTEI Skills of the Interpersonal Domain 106 DAssertion, Anger Management, and Anxiety Management 113 RPreview 121 FOTEI LESSON 4: ASSERTION 123 TTEI LESSON 5: ANGER MANAGEMENT 123 OTEI LESSON 6: ANXIETY MANAGEMENT 123 NLink to Next Chapter 123 125 CHAPTER 7 131 TEI Skills of the Leadership Domain 136 144 Social Awareness, Empathy, Decision Making, and Positive In luence 148 Preview TEI LESSON 7: SOCIAL AWARENESS TEI LESSON 8: EMPATHY TEI LESSON 9: DECISION MAKING TEI LESSON 10: POSITIVE INFLUENCE Link to Next Chapter xii f -

CHAPTER 8 151 TEI Skills of the Self Management Domain 151 151 Drive Strength, Commitment Ethic, and Time Management 151 Preview 153 TEI LESSON 11: DRIVE STRENGTH 159 TEI LESSON 12: COMMITMENT ETHIC 164 TEI LESSON 13: TIME MANAGEMENT 170 Link to Next Chapter 171 CHAPTER 9 171 Action Planning for a Positive Career and Life 171 171 NTEI Action Planning Guide 171 IOPreview 179 181 Emotional Skills Pro ile 181 181 UTLink to Next Chapter 181 IBCHAPTER 10 181 RPersonal Excellence, Resilience, and Growth Motivation 183 186 TTransformative EI Skills for the 21st Century and Beyond 191 ISPreview 194 DFuture Growth and Development 197 RA Personal Excellence Activity 197 FOResiliency – Building Inner Strength 199 TGrowth Motivation 204 OCultivating Well-being With TEI Skills NClosing Thoughts Link to Your Next Chapter References Appendix: Bibliography of TEI Works xiii f

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CHAPTER 1 A POSITIVE, HEALTHY LIFE Positivity and health are achieved through skills-based learning Nelcome to a positive, skills-based learning framework with clear focus for a W IOhealthy, happy, productive life and career with an education, transformative Tapproach of emotional intelligence. Our premise is simple and straightforward. UMost people believe they can improve in some areas. Research and emerging IBtheory of human behavior support and affirm positive views of people at all ages, Rstages of development, and learning. From the outset, our philosophy, theory, and Tpractice respects the uniqueness of you, each person, each team, and interests to ISdiscover and achieve healthy ways of being in the world. Dreams and discoveries Dof personal strengths, potential for change, growth, and intelligent self-direction are Rhigher learning pathways for achieving career success, personal health, well-being. OPlanning for an exciting journey, an adventure, we all need a good, reliable map to Fguide the way. Think of this book as a caring companion, map, and personal GPS Tsystem. Learning often requires the help, guidance, and wisdom of skilled teachers, Ocoaches, mentors to facilitate developing new skills, ideas, and strategies. Consider Nthe terrain of the road ahead. “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference” — Robert Frost This insightful observation by Robert Frost is a learning connection to achieve important goals, dreams, aspirations you value. Question: How do we develop wiser choices with purposeful integration of thinking (cognitive), feeling (emotional), and actions (behavioral)? 1

In career and life, we encounter new roads, informal routes to gain awareness, reflection, and self-knowledge. The road less traveled often is necessary as we encounter new opportunities to grow and develop. These new experiences are person-centered, self-directed learning pathways involving the interaction of thoughts, emotions, and resulting behaviors. Our experience suggests that personal learning experiences involving emotions are rarely in course syllabi of formal academic subjects. Self-knowledge, development, improvements are essential keys to personal growth and accelerated learning. Personal learning adventures are journeys, not final destinations … with starts, stops, turns, detours, unexpected twists, excitement along the way. Likely, there will be some good times and some not so good times. Our journey is one of engaged, dynamic learning with a positive curriculum of “personal science” while Ndeveloping the attitude and perspective of a “personal scientist”. Through the lens IOof transformative emotional learning, we focus on the positive side of the journey Tand your emotional system while striving to address and meet your unique human Ucondition needs, motivations, dreams, and aspirations. IBWhat will we experience in this less traveled road and learning adventure? A Rpractical learning construct not taught so much in formal education and organization Ttraining programs. Four words put together to form higher learning strategies useful ISon a daily basis throughout life. DThe learned ability to “THINK CONSTRUCTIVELY, ACT WISELY”. That’s it in a Rnutshell. FOAnd, as you imagined, there’s more. This straightforward concept is highly Tsignificant and will serve you well immediately and in many personal and work Osituations. A practical, positive ph lo phy pr viding a holi tic view of a pe son Nbased on the learning assum tion that co n tive (rational), affe tive (emotional), and beha ioral (action) skills can be learned and deve oped with practice, just like other skills. This outlook has a built-in, unwavering belief in the capacity of individuals to learn, develop, and grow in mea in ful and self-valued ways of being, well-being, achiev ment, and directions throughout life … in essence, learning to learn, lead, and change. Related, Integrated, Higher Learning Processes • awareness and enhanced process of self-awareness; • reflection and reflective thinking to guide your actions and correct mistakes we make; 2 ­e­g­n­l­v­c­i­g­p­r­s­o­o­s­i

• constructive thinking for learning from both cognitive and emotional experiences; • the Emotional Learning System, a unique personal learning process for positive change with emotional skills, behaviors, strategies; • an active learning framework to achieve personal excellence; • four learning dimensions with focus on specific, key affective (emotional) skills development; • creating positive change, energy, and motivation to grow, to develop your whole self; • understanding and building enduring, continuing learning, with TEI principles Nand skills; TIO• resilience through learning adaptability to routine and complex life situations; U• a two-mind skills-based learning process to improve achievement, IBcommunication, competence, well-being, and leadership ethics. ISTRYOUR EMOTIONAL MIND DEmotions are a major part of your personal experience, and few people know, Rat a practical level, the difference between a thought and a feeling. In fact, many Opeople think that they are opposites and say, “Don’t think about it, just do what you Ffeel” or “Follow what your heart says, not your mind.” Most people believe that Temotions just happen and that there is little they can do about the emotions they Oexperience. Some even go a step further and use emotion as an excuse for their Nbehavior. For example, a college student, explaining to a police officer why he was driving recklessly over the speed limit, said he did it because his girlfriend had made him angry. The knowledge and skills that you develop to accurately identify and express your emotions are essential to living a long and healthy life. Your physical health is directly related to your ability to regulate and express strong emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness. Although you may not be able to choose your emotions, you can learn to choose how to express them. Regulating the intensity and duration of your strong emotions is a necessary life skill. 3

THE EMOTIONAL SYSTEM What Is an Emotion? An emotion is a feeling state: It is a physiological and physical reaction subjectively experienced as strong feelings and physiological changes that prepare the body for immediate action. Emotions are impulses to act. Learning and practicing emotional intelligence skills allow you to self-direct the impulsive behaviors in a self-valued direction. Where Do Emotions Come From? The origin of emotion is the brain. You might say that there are two minds— one that thinks (the thinking mind) and one that feels (the emotional mind). Think Nof thoughts and emotions as two different mechanisms for knowing and making IOsense of the world. The two minds are not adversarial or physically separate; rather, Tthey operate interactively to construct your mental life. Passion (the heart) Udominates reason (the mind) when feelings are intense. IBThe amygdala is a structure in the brain that plays an important role in emotion Rand is where emotional memories are stored. It is the brain’s sentry—the first to ISTwarn of impending danger. The body’s neural pathways for emotions may bypass the neocortex and go directly to the amygdala. This neural shortcut allows the Damygdala to receive direct input from the senses and begin a response before the Rinformation has reached the neocortex. FOWhat Is the Difference Between a Thought and a Feeling? TThe ability to distinguish between a thought and a feeling is the foundation of Oemotionally intelligent behavior. Changing emotional reactivity into self-valued Nbehavior is a skill called intentionality. The emotional mind is childlike, associative, and often makes mistakes about time. When some features of an event seem similar to an emotionally charged memory, the emotional mind reacts to the present situation as though it was the past. What are the emotions that we all feel and easily recognize? Look at the list of words in Exhibit 1.1 and circle those that identify emotions. 4

IBUTIONWhat Are Primary Emotions? TRWe consider the primary human emotions to be those that everyone in the world NOT FOR DISrecognizes. Look at Exhibit 1.2 and name the emotion expressed by each face. The four emotions that you labeled are considered primary emotions—those that are universally recognized. Because feelings are important sources of information from the emotional mind, accurately identifying a feeling is calming and frees you from emotional reactivity. Emotions are experienced in the present, and if they are labeled quickly and correctly, you can choose how to behave. Three of the primary emotions—anger, sadness, and fear—can be applied to the diagram shown in Exhibit 1.3. 5

OR DISTRIBUTIONWhen you have a clear understanding of how the emotional system works and Fcan accurately identify emotions as they are being experienced, you are developing Temotional intelligence. The purpose of exploring and developing emotional Ointelligence is to learn how to achieve self-valued changes in your emotional Nsystem. BREAKING THE EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY HABIT Most people agree that it is wise to think before you act—thinking is a rational process that improves your ability to behave effectively. At times, you experience strong, almost automatic, emotions that make clear thinking difficult and block constructive or productive behavior. Emotions that are too intense and have a long duration erode your physical and mental health and contribute to self-defeating behavior. The emotional mind is childlike and learns as fast as a developing child. 6

The emotional mind learns through associations and responds to primary emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness. An emotion is a feeling state uniquely experienced. Emotions are impulses to act and include both psychological and physical reactions. The tendency to act is a part of the emotional response. It is important to remember that emotions are not neutral. A key aspect of emotional intelligence is to learn how to self-direct and self-monitor your emotional mind. Emotions are different from thoughts; emotions lead to actions. Without intelligent self-direction and monitoring, emotions naturally lead to a habit of reactivity. Reacting to strong emotions can and often does result in difficult and problematic circumstances. Learning and practicing emotional intelligence skills allows you to self-direct impulsive (quick) behaviors in a self-valued direction. Everyone must have a simple and practical process to understand and deal with Nstrong emotions. IOUse the step-by-step ELS process described in Exhibit 1.4, Dealing with Strong TEmotions, to understand, identify, label, and express your strong emotions. Practice IBUthe process until it becomes a natural, learned response to strong emotions. Remember, strong emotions are an important source of information to be used to Rimprove your behavior—they are neither negative nor positive. ISTThe three emotions that cause people the most difficulty are anger, sadness, and Dfear. Practicing the step-by-step ELS process will help you change the emotional Rreactivity habit. Mastering this skill allows you to distinguish between thinking and Ofeeling and to plan and choose self-directed (intentional) behaviors instead of Freacting to the cues from others or the environment. Research has indicated that Tself-directed behavior is essential to high levels of achievement, career excellence, NOand good physical and mental health. HEALTHY LEARNING ENVIRONMENTS A healthy learning environment is one in which you learn best—you feel excited about learning and are challenged to think. To create such an environment, you must accept responsibility for your own motivation and learning. Although professors can share their knowledge and information with you, help you identify important concepts, and introduce you to new ways of thinking and solving problems, they cannot teach you anything that you are not willing to learn. Students who wait to be motivated by their professors often wait a very long time. Those 7

NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION students describe themselves as “bored” or “unmotivated”—they’ve slipped into a reactive mode while waiting for some external force to motivate or excite them. When you have passion (feeling for and interest in) about an idea or subject, learning is rapid, effortless, and personally satisfying. This is the work of the emotional mind—it is always easier to learn about things that you like and enjoy. Those subjects or areas that you have little interest in are more difficult to learn and require a different learning strategy. Become aware of how you learn best by identifying your unique learning style; then, seek out learning resources on campus 8

that can help you master the difficult or uninteresting assignments. You might organize a group of friends supportive of academic excellence, join organizations that provide learning resources and stress academic success, find a mentor who is interested in your goals, or seek help from professors who model scholarship and value lifelong learning. Drive and motivation are internal processes that you must learn to access and direct in order to achieve meaningful goals. Although a master teacher can help create a learning environment that engages and challenges you, it is ultimately up to you to develop your mind to its fullest potential. STRESS, BURN OUT, AND BOREDOM NStress is an unavoidable part of living and can be either positive or negative. IOFinishing high school and making the transition to college is a major source of Tstress. For some students, the transition’s stress and excitement is somewhat Uoverwhelming—they forget to go to class and to study. They excel at the IBuniversity’s covert curriculum, but are graded on the cognitive. They have a great Rtime—but only for a short period. A student’s ability to manage stress is a key Temotional intelligence skill because negative stress (distress) and intense emotions ISexperienced over a long period of time are physically harmful. Moderate anxiety D(fear) about an upcoming quiz may motivate you to study the material instead of spending time with a friend. Some anxiety serves a beneficial purpose when it Rwarns of impending danger—too much anxiety, however, can hinder your FOperformance and lower your achievement. Emotionally reactive students experience burn-out and boredom. They lack the energy to focus on challenging assignments Tthat require long periods of concentrated effort. NOWhen your parents and friends waved good-bye as you left for college, many of them said, “Take good care of yourself.” What they meant was “have a good time and learn to manage the stress you will experience from the change.” The best buffer against negative stress is a positive, supportive relationship. Everyone is occasionally overwhelmed by stress when demands are greater than available internal resources. We sometimes lack the emotional, physical, or financial resources necessary to manage and solve an immediate crisis. Involve yourself in friendships. Establish a relationship with a mentor who values you as a person and who will encourage and support you during times of personal crises. 9 -

LIFE SUCCESS FACTORS The transitions from high school to college and from college to career can be exciting times for you. These are the transitions that are essential to your personal, academic, and career success. How you manage these changes is directly related to how you manage yourself in response to the demands and pressures of academic work and career challenges. A well-kept secret for over 200 years is that colleges and universities have two important curricula. One curriculum is cognitive and focuses on academic content areas, grade point averages, semester hours, and academic honor societies. It is this curriculum that most students describe when asked what constitutes a higher education —the mastery of course content and the accumulation of semester hours. NEach discipline has its own content that is divided into courses that are completed IOone at a time. When enough courses are finished, a degree is awarded. The other Tcurriculum is covert (less visible) and is not as rational, focused, or organized—we Ucall it the emotional or covert curriculum. It is, however, just as important to your IBacademic and career success as the cognitive curriculum. RThe covert curriculum is not primarily based on what you are supposed to do; Trather, it is based on relationships, social activities, fun, adventure, recreation, IScollegiate sports and organizations, and what you want to do at any particular time. DThe emotional curriculum consists of skill-related attitudes and behaviors that occur NOT FORboth inside and outside the classroom (see Exhibit 1.5). Identify and use resources to improve well-being. 10

These attitudes and behaviors comprise a major part of your experiences in career and life. When you know how your emotional mind works and how to apply emotional intelligence skills, you are on your way to personal, academic, and career success. HIGH ACHIEVEMENT AND SELF DIRECTED LEARNING People who reach high levels of academic and career achievement are self- directed learners who master both the cognitive and emotional curricula. Sternberg (1995) characterized successful intelligent people as those who: N• are initiators who motivate themselves IO• learn to control their impulses and delay gratification T• know how to persevere and seek to surmount personal difficulties IBU• translate thought into action and do not procrastinate R• complete tasks and follow through IST• are not afraid to risk failure, accept responsibility, and reject self-pity D• are independent and focus on personally meaningful goals OR• balance their thinking (cognitive with emotional) F• possess self-confidence and positive self-efficacy OTOur research, conducted over the past 40+ years, supports Sternberg’s (2008) Ndescription—a description that reflects the essential characteristics or skills of the emotionally intelligent person. Learning to apply and model these skills greatly enhances your chance for success. Exhibit 1.6, An Emotionally Intelligent Person’s Characteristics, sets forth the attitudes and behaviors necessary for academic and, ultimately, career success. Remember, emotionally intelligent students are proactive—not reactive. Emotionally intelligent behavior involves understanding your immediate experience and learning to think constructively about your behavior choices; it requires exercising good judgment and acting wisely (intelligent self-direction). The Emotional Learning System (discussed in Chapter 2) provides a model for learning 11 -

1.6 AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PERSON’S CHARACTERISTICS Emotionally Reactive Person Emotionally Intelligent Person IBUTIONemotional skills and applying them in active, integrative, and personally meaningful Rways. ISTLife transitions and changes are often challenging and sometimes difficult. The educational corollary or hallmark of transformational EI is that developing a healthy Demotional mind must be intentional, skills-based, and requires protection, Rpermission, and personal empowerment. In Chapter 2, the Hermit Crab Story Oprovides a wonderful and interesting example of this lesson. In many ways, the Fprocess of successfully developing and exercising your emotional intelligence in NOTlife closely parallels the healthy growth and success of the Hermit Crab. CHAPTER LINK Very few people develop the knowledge and skills to integrate thinking and feeling into effective behaviors. Emotions are often viewed as automatic and beyond conscious control. You may not be able to choose when you feel, but you can learn to control how you experience and express your emotions. The next chapter outlines the important steps in becoming an emotionally intelligent student. A very practical model for understanding your emotional mind is presented. Understanding the emotional mind leads to constructive thinking and constructive thinking leads to more effective (successful) behavior. As you learn more about how 12

the emotional mind works, you will begin to view personal behavior as what you do more than how you are. NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION 13

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CHAPTER 2 ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF A TRANSFORMATIVE LEARNING MOTDIOENLORIGIN Uhe transformative learning model shared in this book began with three research T IBquestions posed by two young psychologists (Darwin Nelson & Gary Low) in the mid 1970s. Let’s review and reflect on the answers that have emerged through TRresearch. ISResearch Question #1: What differentiates heathy, successful people from Dthose not so healthy and successful? RThe team of Nelson and Low discovered that a major factor was skills-based Oapproach; specifically Personal, Emotional, Relational, and Life (PERL) skills. FFixed factors like traits, types, or temperaments were not so important. These Tfindings guided them in a lifelong mission of learning all they could to create, NOresearch, develop, and apply these skills in their life and professional work. Research Question #2: How could we help others learn the key skills, strategies, and behaviors of PERL skills to improve their success, health, and well-being? From the very beginning, we understood the value and need to engage, motivate, and create passion (interest) for improving our abilities and skills. This personal realization was based in part on our observation that these values were often missing or not evident in courses, programs, and training. We were intrigued and interested in the important works of Carl Rogers (client-centered, fully functioning person), Abraham Maslow (self-actualization), John Gardner (Excellence, and Self Renewal), and early thought leaders in positive and humanistic 15

psychology, counseling, and human potential and development. From John Gardner’s topics on excellence in the 1960s, research question #3 emerged. Research Question #3: Can we be excellent and equal too? Influenced by John Gardner’s two early books Excellence and Self Renewal, the challenge of becoming and being excellent and equal too was a focal point of our education, training, counseling practices, and skills-based learning approach. With research, study, and experience, the action learning construct personal excellence became an integral element in the personal, emotional, career, and life skills model of a healthy, productive person. Personal excellence is the process of developing yourself into the best person you can be. This process integrates an intentional self- renewal and change process that is self-directed, and personally meaningful. NPursuing personal excellence facilitates high levels of achievement, happiness, and physical health. TIOThe three initial guiding research questions provided focused and influencing Udirection for creating and developing our positive philosophy, theory and practice. IBThe discovery of positive, enduring qualities, characteristics of personal, career, and life growth and development are now essential elements of our learning model of TRtransformative emotional intelligence (TEI). Students, friends, and colleagues have ISextended and added to the substantive research foundation, scholarship, and applications of TEI. R DWe set out to identify what factors and skills are involved in success, personal Ohealth and well-being, and that could be learned and practiced. Findings provided a Fpositive direction to guide and develop an emerging and positive philosophy, theory, Tand practice for healthy being. Central to healthy being is a learning model and Orelated strategies for the continual pursuit of effective behavior supported by PERL Nskills embedded in four major learning dimensions. These dimensions and related skills are shown in Exhibit 2.1, along with more information about emotions and emotional intelligence. Before introducing the Emotional Learning System learning model, it would be helpful to expand our definition of emotional intelligence. EXHIBIT 2.1 | PERL DIMENSIONS AND RELATED SKILLS Dimension (Competency) Related PERL Skill Personal Self Esteem Stress Management Positive Change 16

EXHIBIT 2.1 | PERL DIMENSIONS AND RELATED SKILLS (CONT’D) Dimension (Competency) Related PERL Skill Emotional Comfort Empathy Decision Making Relationship Assertion Anger Management Anxiety Management Life Drive Strength Time Management NCommitment Ethic IOExhibit 2.2 is a timeline summary of the key events and research highlights Tleading up to this emerging theory of PERL skills-based human behavior and IBUpersonal performance excellence. NOT FOR DISTREXHIBIT 2.2 | TIMELINE: THE DEVELOPMENT OF TEI 17

EXHIBIT 2.2 | TIMELINE: THE DEVELOPMENT OF TEI (CONT’D) R DISTRIBUTIONIMPORTANT INFLUENCES OAs shown in Exhibit 2.3, there have been many important contributions in the Fdevelopment of TEI theory and practice. The influence of humanistic psychology Thas been a foundation in the development of our learning models, positive Oassessment, and theory of healthy being. These thought leaders ushered in a change Nin thinking about what it means to be human that deemphasized deficit models in favor of more constructive ones. Their influences informed and shaped our views on healthy, effective, and positive being. Within the humanistic realm, helping practitioners began emphasizing non-deficit models in favor of models that described being healthily human, and used these models for helping individuals per–fect1 themselves based on the client’s unique life goals and aspirations. Our interpreted goal of humanistic psychology is not so different from the helping goal of professional coaches and caring teachers; to inspire clients/students to maximize their personal and professional potential. As we strive and continue to develop, 1 Used as a verb: A lifelong process of striving to perfect oneself. 18

EXHIBIT 2.3 | Historical Roots & Branches of TEI NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION refine, and integrate a holistic theory of human behavior evolving from research on healthy, productive being, we want to acknowledge the early influences of the theories, thoughts, and works of Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, John Gardner, our colleague Darwin Nelson, and others. Carl Rogers created lifelong interest of a fully functioning person, client- centered learning, acceptance, and positive change. We learned about Dr. Rogers and his significant body of classic works and influence from readings, doctoral studies from caring faculty, and from students of Rogers at the University of Wisconsin. Darwin Nelson met Rogers at a national counseling convention in Dallas in 1967 and later visited with him in La Jolla, California with insightful 19

discussions about our positive assessment approach for skill development and a person-centered learning framework. Genuine, authentic relationships are at the center of emotional learning and positive change. Reflective listening and core conditions of inner growth, congruence, empathy, and positive regard are behavioral reflections of personal health and well-being. Like Rogers, we see the conditions of person-centered, relationship-focused learning as key personal and emotional skills that guide wise actions and positive personal change. Recall Rogers’s (1995) curious paradox that, “When I accept myself just as I am, then I change” (p. 17). The quotation reflected an understanding that when he accepted self as decidedly imperfect yet still be caring and growth-oriented, he created presence. Being more in the present and aware of feelings at any given time Nguided a purpose of using feelings to connect more meaningful with self and others. IOThe curious paradox reflects a kind of dynamic self-awareness that is important to Tlearning, teaching, and coaching with emotional intelligence. When you inculcate Uemotional intelligence in your work, then you work continually with yourself and IBothers to engender the curious paradox on a personal level to pursue goals. RAlong with Rogers, Abraham Maslow piqued our interest in healthy, positive ISThuman conditions. For Maslow, these included motivation, needs, and the growth of the person. We see value in helping individuals develop to be their best version of Dself, especially in relationships with others. Striving to grow and develop our Rabilities to the fullest is important for achieving balance and equilibrium. As shown Oin Exhibit 2.4, each of the key models that have influenced the development of our Ftransformative theory of emotional intelligence can be shown to strive for Tequilibrium by balancing the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral systems of being Ohuman (Hammett, 2013). You may recognize the zeniths of fully being human Ndescribed by Maslow’s self-actualizing (Panel A), Rogers’s fully functioning person (Panel B), and Epstein’s cognitive-experiential self (Panel C). Congruent with these models, our transformative approach adds three ways of modeling EI through active imagination, self-directed coaching, and guided mentoring (Panel D). As demonstrated in our explanation of using the Emotional Learning System (ELS) that follows in this chapter, we integrate this humanistic framework of healthy being with positive assessment through the ELS to help shape productive teaching, coaching, and learning relationships. 20

EXHIBIT 2.4 | RELATIONSHIP OF TRANSFORMATIVE EI TO INFLUENCERS DISTRIBUTIONNote: Models that have shaped our transformative approach of emotional intelligence. RAdapted with permission from R. Hammett (2013). FOMaslow’s hierarchy of needs describes a process of growth and motivation that Twe view as important for relating the TEI principle of interdependence for Odeveloping healthy, productive relationships, key emotional-life skills, and Nconstructive thinking. Our view of the relationship between Maslow’s hierarchy and our current views from research derived, person-centered, relationship-focused, and skills-based models of human behavior and life development are shared in Exhibit 2.5. Note the PERL skills measured by our positive assessments in the third column. 21

EXHIBIT 2.5 | WORK LIFE EXCELLENCE: NEEDS, BELIEFS, AND SKILLS Need Types Related Beliefs PERL Skills Survival Obtain pleasure and avoid pain in Anger Management, Anxiety fulfilling physiological needs essential Management, Stress to life and well-being Management, and Self Esteem Safety To make sense out of your experience Self Esteem, Stress Management, and develop consistency and stability in Positive Personal Change, how the world is viewed Physical Wellness Relationship To seek meaningful connections and Assertion, Comfort, Empathy, emotionally satisfying relationships with Leadership, and Self Esteem others NSelf Esteem To believe that one has value, worth, IOand dignity; to develop high self esteem Self Esteem UTEquilibrium To seek balance and harmony when we Anger Management, Anxiety experience distress or perceive deficits Management, Stress Management, and Self Esteem TRIBGrowth To commit to continuous growth and Self Esteem, Achievement Drive, change as we seek to develop our best Positive Personal Change, self Physical Wellness ISNote: Maslow’s contribution established a frame of reference for thinking about Dmotivation that focuses on the subjective experience of the individual. Our Rconnection, interpreted through related beliefs, emphasizes PERL skills that individuals Ocan use to encounter, satisfy, and when necessary revisit needs in pursuit of personal Fgrowth. NOTJohn Gardner’s books Excellence: Can We Be Excellent and Equal, Too? (1961) and Self-Renewal (1963) were carried with us for years. We accepted his challenge to answer this and other important questions and in the process constructed a healthy model for achieving personal excellence. As a result, our belief today is that there are good ways to approach excellence and equality when we learn to: (a) create personal standards of guiding ethics with intentional, positive, emotional skills to pursue skills-based change; (b) set, establish, and pursue personal goals daily to achieve positive, skills-based change; and (c) develop/use constructive thinking to shape wise behavior with PERL skills for positive personal change. These three research-derived guiding principles that we developed based on Gardner’s initial challenge can be useful to inform professional coaching as coaches work with their clients to maximize potential. In short, we 22 -

agree with Gardner that there are multiple ways of measuring people. According to Gardner (1961), There is a way of measuring excellence that involves comparison between people–some are musical geniuses and some are not; and there is another that involves comparison between myself at my best and myself at my worst. It is the latter comparison which enables me to assert that I am being true to the best that is in me–or forces me to confess that I am not. (p. 128) From our perspective, it is important to include a discussion about our background because those meaningful experiences provided the framework for us to develop our positive assessment instruments and our approach for using them in professional coaching scenarios. With that background, we turn our attention to our Nemotional learning system, a model that we integrate with positive assessment in IOour professional coaching practice. UTWHOLE PERSON LEARNING – THE EMOTIONAL IBLEARNING SYSTEM TRFrom our research, we define emotional intelligence as a confluence of ISdeveloped skills and abilities to: (a) accurately know yourself, feel valuable, and Dbehave responsibly as a person of worth and dignity, (b) establish and maintain a variety of effective, strong, and healthy relationships, (c) get along and work well Rwith others, and (d) deal effectively with the demands and pressures of daily life FOand work. Emotional intelligence is a continuing process of developing specific emotional skills. Personal awareness, understanding, and meaning are at the heart of Tdeveloping emotional skills, emotional learning, and emotional intelligence. We NOalso include a shorter definition of emotional intelligence which is the learned ability to think constructively and behave wisely (see Chapter 1). To facilitate self- valued and personally meaningful change, it is helpful to understand the basic psychological change process outlined in Exhibit 2.6. Positive personal change is achieved first by acknowledging the importance of your thoughts, beliefs, and values and then by learning to critically examine your behavior within that context. Becoming a constructive thinker is best achieved by intentionally applying and routinely practicing the five steps involved with emotional learning and positive change. Practicing an emotional learning process, what we call the emotional learning system (ELS) brings emotional learning from the preconscious, unintended realm into the realm of conscious thought. When 23

2.6 BASIC PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGE PROCESS Nconfronted with strong feelings, use the five steps of the ELS in a systematic process to become less reactive and to better understand, identify, label, and IOconstructively express your strong emotions. The five steps of the ELS are Texplained below. IBUStep A (Self-Assessment: Explore) requires that you develop an intentional self- assessment habit: inquiring, discovering, and questioning (e.g., What thoughts am I Rhaving right now? What am I feeling? How do I want to respond best in this ISTsituation?). Because self-assessment is the active process of exploring your experience as it occurs, you must pause before you act. Even when strong emotions D(e.g., anger, fear, or sadness) dominate your immediate experience, the self- Rassessment process enables you to pause so that you can follow the path of Oreflection, not reaction. FStep B (Self-Awareness: Identify) involves the process of identifying your Texperience as either a thought or a feeling. Accurate self-awareness is the ability to NOcorrectly identify and label the emotion being experienced. Once the emotion is identified, the constructive thinking process can begin. Step C (Self-Knowledge: Understand) involves insight and an understanding that allows you to make choices about how to behave. Wise actions are the immediate result of conscious reflection and constructive thinking. Occasionally, Step C is a logical and sequential process. At other times, a quick insight pops into your awareness, and reveals new, more creative, and better problem-solving options. Step D (Self-Development: Learn) involves learning various ways to improve your behavior. Positive self-development is a learning process—seldom is our behavior correct on the first attempt. Improved behavior requires choosing and engaging in personal behavior that pleases you and increases your self-esteem; your self- 24

appreciation. New and improved behaviors require practice to become intentional habits. Step E (Self-Improvement: Apply and Model) requires that you apply and model emotionally intelligent behavior to achieve personal, career, and academic goals. The ability to apply and model emotionally intelligent behavior is not an “arrival” state; rather, it is a process of using the preceding four steps to achieve your best as a person. It is important to know what you can change and what you cannot. What you can change is to learn and practice new skills in how you think, feel, and behave. Practice is needed, and we do not usually practice emotional skills unless we explore and learn about emotional intelligence. Developing EI skills takes time and practice. Be energized and focused on your journey of your learning adventure and Ndiscover the pathways of self-discovery, self-knowledge, self-improvement. Think IOof yourself as a work in progress. We all are works in progress. We make mistakes. TThe key is to learn from your experience. One of the skills you will learn is UCommitment Ethic (tenacity) as an emotional skill essential for the commitment to IBlearning new skills and behaviors. ISTRAN EXERCISE: EXPLORE, IDENTIFY, DUNDERSTAND RNow, let’s practice by jotting down quick thoughts and brief notes while Olearning new ways to be creative and think constructively. There are a few Fquestions below to reflect and act quickly with brief notes that come to mind. You Tare reflecting on the question and responding with notes, ideas, or thoughts. Plan Oabout a 10-12 minute exercise to respond to eight questions about you. Use the Nspace provided in the book. The book is a learning companion. So, you don’t have to worry about how it looks – just respond and get used to thinking quickly and constructively. What you are good at, your strengths? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What are your special gifts, talents? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ 25

What things do you naturally do well? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What skills have you learned through life experiences? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What are your areas of expertise? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ What are your major interests? Enjoy the most? ___________________________________________________________________ N___________________________________________________________________ IOWhen you feel positive emotions like pride, awe, gratitude and love, what Thappens? U___________________________________________________________________ IB___________________________________________________________________ R___________________________________________________________________ ISTWhat are your major sources of energy and passion? ___________________________________________________________________ D___________________________________________________________________ RStop for a few moments and think about what you just did. As you review the Oquestions and your responses, add anything quickly. Now, you are ready to Fcontinue your journey to learn more about developing a healthy, productive, and NOThappy mind. A PRACTICAL MODEL OF BASIC, PRIMARY EMOTIONS Follow us on an adventure to a local school and listen in on an interesting program … a workshop on basic, primary emotions. This adventure will be another learning moment that is both interesting and personally relevant. We all have emotions, right? Yes, the workshop continues. Emotions are natural and serve really good purposes in life. Emotions also can occur quickly without much thought, almost automatic. Consider, the emotion of anger may happen very fast, be reactive, impulsive and occur without thought. The 26

workshop teacher is very good and shares personal ways to know about emotions and how emotions work. So, what are the basic, primary emotions we need to know, learn more about, and understand better? This topic can be complex. Emotions and knowledge of emotions can be a complete field of study. Our explore, identify, and understand learning model asks you to think of four primary emotions almost everyone knows. What are the four emotions? Think for a moment. We can be mad, right? Yes, the emotion of Anger. We can be afraid, the emotion of Fear. We can be sad, deflated, the emotion of sadness. We also can be happy, the emotion of Happiness (joy, love). Anger, Fear, Sadness, Happiness. Emotions affect how we think, feel, and act. Our body responds in ways unique to you. Learning about emotions is important. IONEmotions are subjectively experienced feelings, and they are natural. Emotions are impulses to act, right now! Emotions gear your brain and body to act. When Temotions are strong, you may find it difficult to think clearly. Action (behavior) can IBUjust happen. You may have heard of the fight-flight response (Anger, Fear). Sadness is an emotion experienced as a loss of something important. Happiness is Ran important emotion too. Happiness is happy, right? Being happy, joyful is fun. ISTThe workshop leader goes on to say that while emotions are natural, they are Dnot neutral. Emotions lead us toward action. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the impulse to act. It’s important to know and recall that emotions and how we Rexpress emotions can be positive or negative. Emotions empower us when they are: • FOappropriate and reflective; not inappropriate and reactive Tconstructive; not harmful or destructive •• NOcomfortable with skills; not uncomfortable with reactive words we can’t take back • positive and practiced daily; not negative and periodic When we react rather than reflect, our actions may result in consequences that we did not intend. This is highly important to know. When emotions are too strong, too intense, and last too long, they may become harmful to our body, career, health, and relationships. Reflection helps us gain some time to think and to think constructively. Constructive thinking is learned and positive. Quite the opposite of destructive thinking. We have learned much from Seymour Epstein. He stated something really important about emotional intelligence. He said that the practical 27

application of emotional intelligence leads toward developing smarter emotions, not just knowledge about the subject of emotional intelligence. According to Epstein, people who think constructively are emotionally intelligent. Those who think destructively, aren’t (Epstein, 1998). Emotions are a part of our uniqueness of being human. We all have emotions. Do we express emotions and act appropriately or not? Do emotions seem to create problems for us? Learning to recognize emotions as they occur or happen gives us precious time to think, regulate, manage, and control potential harmful impact of emotions. As we learn to regulate and manage strong emotions, we learn two empowering life skills — anger control and management and anxiety (fear) control and management. You will find it helpful to be able to identify the specific emotion accurately. NWhen you do this quickly and label the emotion accurately, the intensity of the IOemotion is not quite as strong. For example, when anger happens and you say Tsomething like “This is making me mad, the emotion of anger likely will increase. UIf you accurately say “I am angry” your anger may subside a bit. This gives you a IBquick break in emotion to think more clearly and constructively. With practice, you Rare able to replace reactive thinking and actions with more reflective and Tconstructive actions. Emotional intelligence skills help us think more constructively ISand appropriately. DThe workshop leader says, “It’s helpful to think about emotions as having a Rtime element. Consider these time element ideas. When you experience an emotion O(Anger, Fear, Sadness, Happiness), the emotion occurs in the now time frame. You Fand your body feel the emotion in the present. However, a learning key is to Trecognize antecedent or prior events. Things that just happen and events that Ooccurred in the past just before the emotion. Emotions tend to act now in the Npresent time framework, but the emotional mind doesn’t know the difference between past, present, and future. This might be a good time to recall Exhibit 1.3 shared in Chapter 1 – A Temporal Theory of Primary Emotions. This temporal aspect of how the emotional mind works is an advantage for emotional learning. Identifying past, present, future events are learning pathways to better understand the relationship between thinking – feeling and the basic human emotions and likely action outcomes. A cognitive focus is to learn how the temporal dimension of thinking influences emotions and responses. An experiential focus related to the temporal aspect of emotions is to 28

actively use the ELS as a learning system to explore, identify, understand how you create emotions and the energy of emotions. This is important self-knowledge. As you identify and change the thoughts that create basic, human emotions, you gain positive and empowering contributions of your emotional system. You are able to learn about basic human emotions of happiness (love, joy), anger, fear, sadness. You learn that the act of changing your thoughts can calm yourself with a focus on positive skills and positive emotions. When we identify and make these changes, we improve our ability (with skills) to control, manage, and regulate basic, primary emotions. Here are some examples. Anger Example — Anger happens quickly, in the present, and is a strong attempt to change something in the present. We tend to move toward anger with aggression. It’s helpful to quickly think reflectively and constructively. Knowing that our anger Nis truly our anger is a quick step in the right direction. We want to be able to think IOhow we want to respond in ways that are healthy, constructive, positive. Learning Tthe emotional skill of Anger Management is one key. IBUFear Example — Fear, anxiety happens now, in the present, and fear has a future time element. Always important to know and respect the emotion of fear that there Ris perceived immediate danger. With danger, you need to take action and be safe. ISTHowever, fear has a future time element. It helps us to recognize, know that we may need to reflect, plan, and take action to reduce the harmful effects of fear. DIdentify healthy ways to respect fear. Learn more specifics about how to manage Rfear. We don’t want fear to result in us retreating or withdrawing from life. The Oskill of Anxiety Management is one key. T FSadness Example — Sadness is a loss of something important. When we Oexperience loss we may feel strong emotions of anger, fear, sadness. Temporary Nsadness, while truly sad, and reactive thoughts may take us to more serious and longer impacts depending on what the loss is and how much effect happens. Knowing sadness is in the present and knowing that sadness has a past time element helps us to reflect, plan, and then act. Being active with specific personal goals help us reduce negative effects of being too sad for too long. Emotional skills enable us to regain balance and equilibrium. We need to stay healthy and engaged with life. Emotional skills are keys to resilience and personal renewal. Happiness Example — We are happy when we are happy. You are happy when you are happy. A unique aspect of happiness is that happiness resides in each person and may be different from one person to another. In other words, happiness occurs when we create happiness, plan happy things, do happy things. Creating 29

happy thoughts guides us toward the experience of more happiness. When we think about healthy things that make us happy, this is positive. When we feel happy, we are happy and not angry, fearful, sad. The takeaway here is to create happy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as often as possible. A word of caution: Create boundaries or parameters so that being happy is not harmful to self or others. Learning about positive emotions is an important piece of the happiness puzzle. Essential to learn as much as you can about health, wellness, well-being in order to be healthier and well. The basic human emotions are illustrated in Exhibit 2.7. This visual shows a graphic picture of the inherent connections of anger, fear, and sadness with happiness. Remember anger is in the present and red hot for action. Fear is in the present with future thinking and the color of yellow for caution. Like a caution Nlight, fear reminds us to be extra careful. Sadness occurs in the present and aided IOby past event thinking. Sadness is a sad, blue feeling that comes back to the present Tfrom memories of the past. NOT FOR DISTRIBUEXHIBIT 2.7 | THE BASIC HUMAN EMOTIONS 30

Happiness is light, bright flowing upward as if to the sky and accompanied by happy thoughts, creative energy, laughter, memories of fun. You create the positive emotion of happiness with happy thoughts, ideas, activities that make you smile, laugh, and feel good. As you learn to create positive emotions, you may discover that energy and motivation occur along with new emotional skills and strategies. Just imagine how your life, career, and plans could emerge with more creativity, creative thinking, and feeling better with positive emotions. We need to balance learning and contributions of our emotional system with realistic behaviors of safety and wellness. NIf you are depressed, IOyou are living in the past. If you are anxious, Tyou are living in the future. UIf you are at peace, RIByou are living in the present. R DISTThe workshop at the school was interesting and helpful. You will want toAttributed to Lao Tzu Oreview and remember the main parts of the workshop as you continue your excitingand others. Fjourney. Just thinking about the workshop reminded you of something important. TRemember the brief discussion of positive emotions. You noted the list of positive Oemotions … joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, amusement, inspiration, awe, Nlove. The workshop leader mentioned Dr. Barbara Fredrickson as a leading researcher in the field of emotions and positivity, also noting that in 2002 Fredrickson was the first person to receive the American Psychological Association’s Templeton Prize in Positive Psychology (see Fredrickson, 2001). In her book Positivity, Fredrickson referenced love as encompassing all other forms of positivity. She identified vital facts and learning points about positivity: feels good, changes how your mind works, transforms your future, puts the brakes on negativity, obeys a tipping point. And, importantly, you can increase your positivity by how you think and what you do. You think, “Wow!” This is good to know and think more about positivity and how positive emotions make life better. 31

As you continue your journey, the next stop is along the beach in south Texas. As we walk along the beach, we see and hear interesting sea birds, wading birds, sea gulls, a few brown pelicans, lizards, and sand dunes … a lot of sand feeling good beneath our feet. We are aware of the gentle waves of the sea. We become relaxed with focused alertness. Could this be a learning moment in our journey? We will have to keep a keen lookout, observe, awareness. Practice the ELS process with the goal of making the reflective process feel as natural as the urge to react. Remember, a strong emotion is an important source of information that you can use to improve your effectiveness and happiness. Emotion is neither negative nor positive, and it only becomes a problem when experienced intensely for too long or when it leads to self-destructive behavior. IONLESSONS LEARNED ON THE BEACH TWe notice lots of activity, and a little hero of the beach catches our attention. UWe decided to give our new friend a name. Hermi, a proud member of the Hermit IBCrab family, seems to fit. What could we possibly learn from this little creature of nature? Well, Hermi learned three important lessons of life on the beach and passed TRthem on to us. “Three Ps in a Shell”. ISStrangely enough, we can learn a lot about meeting life’s challenges from a Dquiet, alert, and highly adapting little hero. This story of learning was created by Rour friend and a co-author of our works. Darwin Nelson loved nature, bamboo, and Odiscovering treasures along the coasts of south Texas and Mexico. Darwin loved to Ftell stories about events he encountered on adventures and embellished the stories Twith both humor and reflective thinking about life, and making positive, healthy life Ochanges. Like our friend Darwin, you begin to observe and think: “We can learn a Nlot watching the adventures and story of a courageous, fast-learning little hero of the beach.” Three Ps in a Shell is about the importance of learning to adapt, making effective transitions, being flexible, agile, and willing to change. Changing to be healthier, more successful, safer, and taking measured risks are have-to-learn skills in the 21st century and beyond. Lesson P1 - Protection (safety) - is essential. Do you agree? Mostly, we think of protection in terms of physical safety, and rightly so. Physical safety is viewed as job one. A positive contribution of emotional intelligence and developing a healthy, productive, happy emotional mind is to do what you can to ensure emotional health, 32

and safety as well. Creating positive, healthy environments in schools, classrooms, board rooms, and community is critical to the lesson of protection and safety. Learning more about creating and managing learning environments with care, respect, trust, encouragement, and challenge is essential. The lesson of protection and safety is priority for schools and communities. Trainers, coaches, and mentors also create effective, high performing teams with protections for learning. What can we all do to improve emotional health and safety on an everyday basis? P1- Protection and safety is an important lesson of life on the beach learned, experienced, and shared by our new friend Hermi. Schools, colleges, education at all levels can prepare and learn better ways to teach personal, social, emotional, life skills and strategies to apply in career and life. Think of the value of having new skills, behaviors, strategies to navigate life Nsituations of harmful actions such as teasing, bullying, aggression, negative talk, IOineffective feedback, and relationship challenges of all types. Emotional safety and Tprotection are important in planning, management, and conducting everyday Ubusiness. Thinking constructively with key skills helps to achieve healthy, more IBeffective learning environments. Learners are more confident when fear and worry Rare replaced with a safe environment encouraging a willingness to try, to risk in Torder to learn. There are many reasons to learn constructive thinking that lead to ISmore effective and wise behaviors. Protection is certainly the most important of the D3 Ps. RLesson P2- Permission - Permission to learn is important and involves new ways Oto think, make decisions, and act. Practice is required to develop emotional skills Fand strategies. We all face some degree of risk with changes. To be healthy and Tproductive, we have to take measured risks in life and career decisions in order to Oadapt and make effective transitions. Our friend Hermi teaches us to realize the Nneed for larger and more secure functional space for work and life. We need to continue growing, developing, changing (with skills) throughout our lives. Parents, teachers, caring adults, and coaches guide us by providing safe environments for physical and emotional safety. People need and benefit with supportive, caring, healthy, and productive changes that are safe, caring, empowering. These environments give permission to learn, and to continue learning and growing through the many transitions we encounter in education, career, and life. An essential part of healthy growth is to learn, develop, and refine emotional skills in the same ways as you learn rational thinking skills and information. Permission to try is essential to achieve at high levels for students and 33

adult learners. Accelerated and advanced learning are achieved with experiences that are challenging with permission to fail in order to succeed. We all surely will make mistakes, and mistakes are a part of learning to be successful. We learn from mistakes when we have a plan that provides opportunities and success chances that are meaningful and safe to pursue. You can learn this lesson as well so that you self-direct your own life toward healthy ways of living, meeting goals you set, achieving your goals with new skills and skills to continue learning. As we become more knowledgeable and confident about emotions and key skills, you are able to develop, apply, and “model” these skills in daily life and work. Lesson P3 - Potency - You are empowered with new self-directed emotional skills and behaviors. Through research and reflective thinking from experience, we’ve Nlearned new pathways to empower ourselves to become and be more successful and IOhealthier. This secret is purposeful learning to explore and discover key personal, Temotional, social, life skills. These skills are easy to discover and identify. You Ufind them throughout this book. IBWe believe you will find developing these new skills are exciting and Rmeaningful as you get to know and use them daily. You will likely see the benefit ISTand wisdom of intentionally learning, practicing, and refining the skills and related behaviors. Learning skills requires a plan and much practice. Emotional skills need Dpractice, feedback, encouragement. As we practice new skills, we make mistakes. RMeasured risks with skill development are empowering learning opportunities. OMastering the empowering skills of transformative emotional intelligence requires Fpractice, feedback, evaluation from others as well self-directed commitment to learn Tand change. NOLeading with intelligent self-direction is empowering. Personal leadership is to influence and inspire yourself to become your best version of self with your new EI tool kit. Intrinsic motivation and energy occur naturally when you set and achieve goals meaningful to you. It’s reasonable to think: “I need to lead myself effectively with personal leadership before I am able to influence others in positive ways.” Hermi, our little hero of the beach, is a pretty, smart little dude and an excellent teacher. All we need to do is be open to lessons of Hermi’s “3 Ps in a Shell”. 34