["Yeah,\tI\u2019m\tsure\tI\twill,\the\tsays.\tWhy\twouldn\u2019t\tI? I\tknow\tyou\u2019ll\tbe\tcivil.\tBut\tI\tmean\tI\thope\tyou\tget\talong. I\u2019ll\ttry. And\tdon\u2019t\tintimidate\thim,\tshe\tsays. Connell\tpours\ta\tsplash\tof\tmilk\tin\this\tcoffee,\tletting\tthe\tcolour\tcome\tup to\tthe\tsurface,\tand\tthen\treplaces\tthe\tjug\ton\tthe\ttable. Oh,\the\tsays.\tWell,\tI\thope\tyou\u2019re\ttelling\thim\tnot\tto\tintimidate\tme\teither. As\tif\tyou\tcould\tfind\thim\tintimidating,\tConnell.\tHe\u2019s\tshorter\tthan\tI\tam. It\u2019s\tnot\tstrictly\ta\theight\tthing,\tis\tit? Seen\tfrom\this\tpoint\tof\tview,\tshe\tsays,\tyou\u2019re\ta\tlot\ttaller,\tand\tyou\u2019re\tthe person\twho\tused\tto\tfuck\this\tgirlfriend. That\u2019s\t a\t nice\t way\t of\t putting\t it.\t Is\t that\t what\t you\t told\t him\t about\t us, Connell\u2019s\tthis\ttall\tguy\twho\tused\tto\tfuck\tme? She\tlaughs\tnow.\tNo,\tshe\tsays.\tBut\teveryone\tknows. Does\the\thave\tsome\tinsecurities\tabout\this\theight?\tI\twon\u2019t\texploit\tthem, I\u2019d\tjust\tlike\tto\tknow. Marianne\t lifts\t her\t coffee\t cup.\t Connell\t can\u2019t\t figure\t out\t what\t kind\t of relationship\t they\t are\t supposed\t to\t have\t now.\t Are\t they\t agreeing\t not\t to\t find each\tother\tattractive\tanymore?\tWhen\twere\tthey\tsupposed\tto\thave\tstopped? Nothing\t in\t Marianne\u2019s\t behaviour\t gives\t him\t any\t clue.\t In\t fact\t he\t suspects she\t is\t still\t attracted\t to\t him,\t and\t that\t she\t now\t finds\t it\t funny,\t like\t a\t private joke,\t to\t indulge\t an\t attraction\t to\t someone\t who\t could\t never\t belong\t in\t her world. * Back\t in\t July\t he\t went\t to\t the\t anniversary\t Mass\t for\t Marianne\u2019s\t father.\t The church\tin\ttown\twas\tsmall,\tsmelling\tof\train\tand\tincense,\twith\tstained-glass panels\t in\t the\t windows.\t He\t and\t Lorraine\t never\t went\t to\t Mass,\t he\u2019d\t only been\t in\t there\t for\t funerals\t before.\t He\t saw\t Marianne\t in\t the\t vestibule\t when he\t arrived.\t She\t looked\t like\t a\t piece\t of\t religious\t art.\t It\t was\t so\t much\t more painful\t to\t look\t at\t her\t than\t anyone\t had\t warned\t him\t it\t would\t be,\t and\t he wanted\tto\tdo\tsomething\tterrible,\tlike\tset\thimself\ton\tfire\tor\tdrive\this\tcar\tinto a\t tree.\t He\t always\t reflexively\t imagined\t ways\t to\t cause\t himself\t extreme injury\t when\t he\t was\t distressed.\t It\t seemed\t to\t soothe\t him\t briefly,\t the\t act\t of imagining\t a\t much\t worse\t and\t more\t totalising\t pain\t than\t the\t one\t he\t really felt,\t maybe\t just\t the\t cognitive\t energy\t it\t required,\t the\t momentary\t break\t in his\ttrain\tof\tthought,\tbut\tafterwards\the\twould\tonly\tfeel\tworse.","That\t night,\t after\t Marianne\t went\t back\t to\t Dublin,\t he\t went\t out\t drinking with\t some\t people\t from\t school,\t to\t Kelleher\u2019s\t first,\t and\t then\t McGowan\u2019s, and\t then\t that\t awful\t nightclub\t Phantom\t around\t the\t back\t of\t the\t hotel.\t No one\t was\t around\t that\t he\t had\t ever\t been\t really\t close\t with,\t and\t after\t a\t few drinks\t he\t became\t aware\t that\t he\t wasn\u2019t\t there\t to\t socialise\t anyway,\t he\t was just\t there\t to\t drink\t himself\t into\t a\t kind\t of\t sedated\t non-consciousness.\t He withdrew\t from\t the\t conversation\t gradually\t and\t focused\t on\t consuming\t as much\t alcohol\t as\t he\t could\t without\t passing\t out,\t not\t even\t laughing\t along with\tthe\tjokes,\tnot\teven\tlistening. It\t was\t in\t Phantom\t that\t they\t met\t Paula\t Neary,\t their\t old\t Economics teacher.\tBy\tthen\tConnell\twas\tso\tdrunk\tthat\this\tvision\twas\tmisaligned,\tand beside\tevery\tsolid\tobject\the\tcould\tsee\tanother\tversion\tof\tthe\tobject,\tlike\ta ghost.\t Paula\t bought\t them\t all\t shots\t of\t tequila.\t She\t was\t wearing\t a\t black dress\tand\ta\tsilver\tpendant.\tHe\tlicked\ta\tline\tof\tsalt\toff\tthe\tback\tof\this\town hand\t and\t saw\t the\t ghostly\t other\t of\t her\t necklace,\t a\t faint\t white\t trace\t on\t her shoulder.\t When\t she\t looked\t at\t him\t she\t did\t not\t have\t two\t eyes,\t but\t several, and\t they\t moved\t around\t exotically\t in\t the\t air,\t like\t jewels.\t He\t started laughing\tabout\tit,\tand\tshe\tleaned\tin\tclose\twith\ther\tbreath\ton\this\tface\tto\task him\twhat\twas\tso\tfunny. He\t doesn\u2019t\t remember\t how\t he\t got\t back\t to\t her\t house,\t whether\t they walked\t or\t took\t a\t taxi,\t he\t still\t doesn\u2019t\t know.\t The\t place\t had\t that\t strange unfurnished\t cleanliness\t that\t lonely\t houses\t sometimes\t have.\t She\t seemed like\ta\tperson\twith\tno\thobbies:\tno\tbookcases,\tno\tmusical\tinstruments.\tWhat do\t you\t do\t with\t yourself\t at\t the\t weekends,\t he\t remembers\t slurring.\t I\t go\t out and\t have\t fun,\t she\t said.\t This\t struck\t him\t even\t at\t the\t time\t as\t deeply depressing.\t She\t poured\t them\t both\t glasses\t of\t wine.\t Connell\t sat\t on\t the leather\tsofa\tand\tdrank\tthe\twine\tfor\tsomething\tto\tdo\twith\this\thands. How\tis\tthe\tfootball\tteam\tlooking\tthis\tyear?\the\tsaid. It\u2019s\tnot\tthe\tsame\twithout\tyou,\tsaid\tPaula. She\t sat\t beside\t him\t on\t the\t couch.\t Her\t dress\t had\t slipped\t down\t slightly, exposing\ta\tmole\tover\ther\tright\tbreast.\tHe\tcould\thave\tfucked\ther\tback\twhen he\twas\tin\tschool.\tPeople\tjoked\tabout\tit,\tbut\tthey\twould\thave\tbeen\tshocked if\t it\t had\t really\t happened,\t they\t would\t have\t been\t scared.\t They\t would\t have thought\this\tshyness\tmasked\tsomething\tsteely\tand\tfrightening. Best\tyears\tof\tyour\tlife,\tshe\tsaid. What? Best\tyears\tof\tyour\tlife,\tsecondary\tschool. He\ttried\tto\tlaugh,\tand\tit\tcame\tout\tvery\tgoofy\tand\tnervous.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,","he\tsaid.\tThat\u2019s\ta\tsad\tthought\tif\tthat\u2019s\ttrue. She\tstarted\tto\tkiss\thim\tthen.\tThis\tseemed\tlike\ta\tstrange\tthing\tto\thappen to\t him,\t unpleasant\t on\t the\t surface\t level,\t but\t also\t interesting\t in\t a\t way,\t as\t if his\t life\t was\t taking\t a\t new\t direction.\t Her\t mouth\t tasted\t sour\t like\t tequila. Briefly\the\twondered\tif\tit\twas\tlegal\tfor\ther\tto\tkiss\thim,\tand\the\tconcluded\tit must\t be,\t he\t couldn\u2019t\t think\t of\t a\t reason\t why\t it\t wouldn\u2019t\t be,\t and\t yet\t it\t felt substantially\t wrong.\t Every\t time\t he\t pulled\t away\t from\t her\t she\t seemed\t to follow\thim\tforward,\tso\tthat\the\tfound\thimself\tpuzzled\tabout\tthe\tphysics\tof what\t was\t going\t on,\t and\t he\t was\t no\t longer\t sure\t whether\t he\t was\t sitting upright\t on\t the\t sofa\t or\t reclining\t backwards\t against\t the\t arm.\t As\t an experiment\t he\t tried\t to\t sit\t up,\t which\t confirmed\t he\t was\t in\t fact\t sitting\t up already,\t and\t the\t small\t red\t light\t which\t he\t thought\t might\t have\t been\t on\t the ceiling\t above\t him\t was\t just\t a\t standby\t light\t on\t the\t stereo\t system\t across\t the room. Back\t in\t school\t Miss\t Neary\t had\t made\t him\t feel\t so\t uncomfortable.\t But was\the\tmastering\tthat\tdiscomfort\tnow\tby\tletting\ther\tkiss\thim\ton\tthe\tsofa\tin her\t living\t room,\t or\t just\t succumbing\t to\t it?\t He\u2019d\t hardly\t had\t time\t to formulate\t this\t question\t when\t she\t started\t unbuttoning\t his\t jeans.\t In\t a\t panic he\ttried\tto\tpush\ther\thand\taway,\tbut\twith\tsuch\tan\tineffectual\tgesture\tthat\tshe appeared\tto\tthink\the\twas\thelping\ther.\tShe\tgot\tthe\ttop\tbutton\tundone\tand\the told\ther\tthat\the\twas\treally\tdrunk,\tand\tmaybe\tthey\tshould\tstop.\tShe\tput\ther hand\tinside\tthe\twaistband\tof\this\tunderwear\tand\tsaid\tit\twas\tokay,\tshe\tdidn\u2019t mind.\t He\t thought\t he\t would\t probably\t black\t out\t then,\t but\t he\t found\t he couldn\u2019t.\tHe\twished\the\tcould\thave.\tHe\theard\tPaula\tsaying:\tYou\u2019re\tso\thard. That\t was\t an\t especially\t insane\t thing\t for\t her\t to\t say,\t because\t he\t actually wasn\u2019t. I\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tget\tsick,\the\tsaid. She\t jerked\t back\t then,\t pulling\t her\t dress\t after\t her,\t and\t he\t took\t the opportunity\t to\t stand\t up\t from\t the\t sofa\t and\t button\t his\t jeans\t back\t up. Cautiously\tshe\tasked\tif\the\twas\tokay.\tWhen\the\tlooked\tat\ther\the\tcould\tmake out\t two\t separate\t Paulas\t sitting\t on\t the\t couch,\t so\t clearly\t delineated\t that\t it was\t no\t longer\t obvious\t which\t was\t the\t real\t Paula\t and\t which\t the\t ghost. Sorry,\t he\t said.\t He\t woke\t up\t the\t next\t day\t fully\t clothed\t on\t the\t floor\t of\t his living\troom.\tHe\tstill\thas\tno\tidea\thow\the\tmade\tit\thome. * He\t must\t be\t insecure\t about\t something,\t says\t Marianne\t now.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know what.\tMaybe\the\u2019d\tlike\tto\tbe\tmore\tcerebral. Maybe\the\tjust\thas\tgood\tself-esteem.","No,\tdefinitely\tnot\tthat.\tHe\u2019s\t\u2026 Her\t eyes\t flick\t back\t and\t forth\t quickly.\t When\t she\t does\t this,\t she\t looks like\tan\texpert\tmathematician\tperforming\tcalculations\tin\ther\thead.\tShe\tsets the\tcoffee\tcup\tback\tin\tthe\tsaucer. He\u2019s\twhat?\tsays\tConnell. He\u2019s\ta\tsadist. Connell\t stares\t at\t her\t across\t the\t table,\t simply\t allowing\t his\t face\t to express\t the\t alarm\t he\t feels\t at\t this\t remark,\t and\t she\t gives\t a\t cute\t little\t smile. She\ttwists\ther\tcup\taround\ton\tthe\tsaucer. Are\tyou\tserious?\tsays\tConnell. Well,\t he\t likes\t to\t beat\t me\t up.\t Just\t during\t sex,\t that\t is.\t Not\t during arguments. She\t laughs,\t a\t stupid\t laugh\t that\t doesn\u2019t\t suit\t her.\t Connell\u2019s\t visual\t field shudders\t violently\t for\t a\t second,\t like\t the\t beginning\t of\t a\t gigantic\t migraine, and\t he\t lifts\t a\t hand\t to\t his\t forehead.\t He\t realises\t he\t is\t scared.\t Around Marianne\t he\t often\t feels\t somehow\t innocent,\t though\t really\t he\u2019s\t a\t lot\t more sexually\texperienced\tthan\tshe\tis. And\tyou\u2019re\tinto\tthat,\tare\tyou?\the\tsays. She\t shrugs.\t Her\t cigarette\t is\t burning\t out\t in\t the\t ashtray.\t She\t picks\t it\t up quickly\tand\tdrags\ton\tit\tbefore\tstubbing\tit\tout. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\tif\tI\treally\tlike\tit. Why\tdo\tyou\tlet\thim\tdo\tit,\tthen? It\twas\tmy\tidea. Connell\tpicks\tup\this\tcup\tand\ttakes\ta\tlarge\tmouthful\tof\tvery\thot\tcoffee, wanting\tto\tdo\tsomething\tefficient\twith\this\thands.\tWhen\the\treplaces\tthe\tcup it\tsplashes\tup\tand\tspills\tover\tinto\tthe\tsaucer. What\tdo\tyou\tmean?\the\tsays. It\twas\tmy\tidea,\tthat\tI\twanted\tto\tsubmit\tto\thim.\tIt\u2019s\tdifficult\tto\texplain. Well,\tgo\ton\tand\ttry\tif\tyou\twant.\tI\u2019m\tinterested. She\t laughs\t again\t now.\t It\u2019s\t going\t to\t make\t you\t feel\t very\t awkward,\t she says. Okay. She\tlooks\tat\thim,\tmaybe\tto\tsee\tif\the\u2019s\tjoking,\tand\tthen\tshe\tlifts\ther\tchin","at\tan\tangle,\tand\the\tknows\tshe\twon\u2019t\tback\tdown\tfrom\ttelling\thim\tabout\tit, because\t that\t would\t be\t giving\t in\t to\t something\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t believe\t about herself. It\u2019s\tnot\tthat\tI\tget\toff\ton\tbeing\tdegraded\tas\tsuch,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tjust\tlike\tto know\tthat\tI\twould\tdegrade\tmyself\tfor\tsomeone\tif\tthey\twanted\tme\tto.\tDoes that\t make\t sense?\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t if\t it\t does,\t I\u2019ve\t been\t thinking\t about\t it.\t It\u2019s about\tthe\tdynamic,\tmore\tthan\twhat\tactually\thappens.\tAnyway\tI\tsuggested it\tto\thim,\tthat\tI\tcould\ttry\tbeing\tmore\tsubmissive.\tAnd\tit\tturns\tout\the\tlikes to\tbeat\tme\tup. Connell\t starts\t coughing.\t Marianne\t picks\t a\t small\t wooden\t coffee-stirrer out\tof\ta\tjar\ton\tthe\ttable\tand\tstarts\ttwisting\tit\tin\ther\tfingers.\tHe\twaits\tfor\tthe coughing\tto\tsubside\tand\tthen\tsays:\tWhat\tdoes\the\tdo\tto\tyou? Oh,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tshe\tsays.\tHe\thits\tme\twith\ta\tbelt\tsometimes.\tHe\tlikes choking\tme,\tthings\tlike\tthat. Right. I\t mean,\t I\t don\u2019t\t enjoy\t it.\t But\t then,\t you\u2019re\t not\t really\t submitting\t to someone\tif\tyou\tonly\tsubmit\tto\tthings\tyou\tenjoy. Have\tyou\talways\thad\tthese\tideas?\tConnell\tsays. She\t gives\t him\t a\t look.\t He\t feels\t like\t the\t fear\t has\t consumed\t him\t and turned\t him\t into\t something\t else\t now,\t like\t he\t has\t passed\t through\t the\t fear, and\tlooking\tat\ther\tis\tlike\tswimming\ttowards\ther\tacross\ta\tstrip\tof\twater.\tHe picks\tup\tthe\tcigarette\tpacket\tand\tlooks\tinto\tit.\tHis\tteeth\tstart\tchattering\tand he\t puts\t a\t cigarette\t on\t his\t lower\t lip\t and\t lights\t it.\t Marianne\t is\t the\t only\t one who\t ever\t triggers\t these\t feelings\t in\t him,\t the\t strange\t dissociative\t feeling, like\the\u2019s\tdrowning\tand\ttime\tdoesn\u2019t\texist\tproperly\tanymore. I\tdon\u2019t\twant\tyou\tto\tthink\tJamie\u2019s\ta\thorrible\tguy,\tshe\tsays. He\tsounds\tlike\tone. He\u2019s\tnot\treally. Connell\t drags\t on\t the\t cigarette\t and\t then\t lets\t his\t eyes\t half-close\t for\t a second.\tThe\tsun\tis\tvery\twarm,\tand\the\tcan\tsense\tMarianne\u2019s\tbody\tclose\tto him,\tand\tthe\tmouthful\tof\tsmoke,\tand\tthe\tbitter\taftertaste\tof\tcoffee. Maybe\t I\t want\t to\t be\t treated\t badly,\t she\t says.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t Sometimes\t I think\tI\tdeserve\tbad\tthings\tbecause\tI\u2019m\ta\tbad\tperson. He\t exhales.\t In\t the\t spring\t he\t would\t sometimes\t wake\t up\t at\t night\t beside Marianne,\t and\t if\t she\t was\t awake\t too\t they\t would\t move\t into\t each\t other\u2019s arms\tuntil\the\tcould\tfeel\thimself\tinside\ther.\tHe\tdidn\u2019t\thave\tto\tsay\tanything,","except\tto\task\ther\tif\tit\twas\talright,\tand\tshe\talways\tsaid\tit\twas.\tNothing\telse in\t his\t life\t compared\t to\t what\t he\t felt\t then.\t Often\t he\t wished\t he\t could\t fall asleep\tinside\ther\tbody.\tIt\twas\tsomething\the\tcould\tnever\thave\twith\tanyone else,\t and\t he\t would\t never\t want\t to.\t Afterwards\t they\u2019d\t just\t go\t back\t to\t sleep in\teach\tother\u2019s\tarms,\twithout\tspeaking. You\tnever\tsaid\tany\tof\tthis\tto\tme,\the\tsays.\tWhen\twe\twere\t\u2026 It\twas\tdifferent\twith\tyou.\tWe\twere,\tyou\tknow.\tThings\twere\tdifferent. She\ttwists\tthe\tlittle\tstrip\tof\twood\twith\tboth\thands\tand\tthen\treleases\tit\ton one\tside\tso\tit\trecoils\tfrom\ther\tfingers. Should\tI\tbe\tfeeling\tinsulted?\the\tsays. No.\tIf\tyou\twant\tto\thear\tthe\tsimplest\texplanation,\tI\u2019ll\ttell\tyou. Well,\tis\tit\ta\tlie? No,\tshe\tsays. She\tpauses.\tCarefully\tshe\tsets\tdown\tthe\twooden\tcoffee-stirrer.\tShe\thas no\tprops\tnow,\tand\treaches\tto\ttouch\ther\thair\tinstead. I\t didn\u2019t\t need\t to\t play\t any\t games\t with\t you,\t she\t says.\t It\t was\t real.\t With Jamie\tit\u2019s\tlike\tI\u2019m\tacting\ta\tpart,\tI\tjust\tpretend\tto\tfeel\tthat\tway,\tlike\tI\u2019m\tin his\t power.\t But\t with\t you\t that\t really\t was\t the\t dynamic,\t I\t actually\t had\t those feelings,\tI\twould\thave\tdone\tanything\tyou\twanted\tme\tto.\tNow,\tyou\tsee,\tyou think\t I\u2019m\t a\t bad\t girlfriend.\t I\u2019m\t being\t disloyal.\t Who\t wouldn\u2019t\t want\t to\t beat me\tup? She\tcovers\ther\teyes\twith\ther\thand.\tShe\u2019s\tsmiling,\ta\ttired\tand\tself-hating smile.\tHe\twipes\tthe\tpalms\tof\this\thands\ton\this\tlap. I\twouldn\u2019t,\the\tsays.\tMaybe\tI\u2019m\tkind\tof\tunfashionable\tin\tthat\tway. She\tmoves\ther\thand\taway\tand\tlooks\tat\thim,\tthe\tsame\tsmile,\tand\ther\tlips still\tlook\tdry. I\t hope\t we\t can\t always\t take\t each\t other\u2019s\t sides,\t she\t says.\t It\u2019s\t very comforting\tfor\tme. Well,\tthat\u2019s\tgood. She\tlooks\tat\thim\tthen,\tlike\tshe\u2019s\tseeing\thim\tfor\tthe\tfirst\ttime\tsince\tthey sat\tdown\ttogether. Anyway,\tshe\tsays.\tHow\tare\tyou? He\t knows\t the\t question\t is\t meant\t honestly.\t He\u2019s\t not\t someone\t who\t feels comfortable\tconfiding\tin\tothers,\tor\tdemanding\tthings\tfrom\tthem.\tHe\tneeds","Marianne\tfor\tthis\treason.\tThis\tfact\tstrikes\thim\tnewly.\tMarianne\tis\tsomeone he\t can\t ask\t things\t of.\t Even\t though\t there\t are\t certain\t difficulties\t and resentments\t in\t their\t relationship,\t the\t relationship\t carries\t on.\t This\t seems remarkable\tto\thim\tnow,\tand\talmost\tmoving. Something\tkind\tof\tweird\thappened\tto\tme\tin\tthe\tsummer,\the\tsaid.\tCan\tI tell\tyou\tabout\tit?","Four\tMonths\tLater (JANUARY\t2013) She\u2019s\t in\t her\t apartment\t with\t friends.\t The\t scholarship\t exams\t finished\t this week\tand\tterm\tis\tabout\tto\tstart\tagain\ton\tMonday.\tShe\tfeels\tdrained,\tlike\ta vessel\t turned\t out\t onto\t its\t rim.\t She\u2019s\t smoking\t her\t fourth\t cigarette\t of\t the evening,\t which\t gives\t her\t a\t curious\t acidic\t sensation\t in\t her\t chest,\t and\t she also\t hasn\u2019t\t eaten\t dinner.\t For\t lunch\t she\t had\t a\t tangerine\t and\t a\t piece\t of unbuttered\t toast.\t Peggy\t is\t on\t the\t sofa\t telling\t a\t story\t about\t interrailing\t in Europe,\t and\t for\t some\t reason\t she\t insists\t on\t explaining\t the\t difference between\t West\t and\t East\t Berlin.\t Marianne\t exhales\t and\t says\t absently:\t Yes, I\u2019ve\tbeen\tthere. Peggy\t turns\t to\t her,\t eyes\t widened.\t You\u2019ve\t been\t to\t Berlin?\t she\t says.\t I didn\u2019t\tthink\tthey\tlet\tpeople\tfrom\tConnacht\ttravel\tthat\tfar. Some\t of\t their\t friends\t laugh\t politely.\t Marianne\t taps\t the\t ash\t off\t her cigarette\tinto\tthe\tceramic\ttray\ton\tthe\tarm\tof\tthe\tsofa.\tExtremely\thilarious, she\tsays. They\tmust\thave\tgiven\tyou\ttime\toff\tfrom\tthe\tfarm,\tsays\tPeggy. Quite,\tsays\tMarianne. Peggy\t continues\t telling\t her\t story\t then.\t She\t has\t lately\t taken\t to\t sleeping over\t in\t Marianne\u2019s\t apartment\t when\t Jamie\u2019s\t not\t there,\t eating\t breakfast\t in her\t bed,\t and\t even\t following\t her\t to\t the\t bathroom\t when\t she\t showers, clipping\ther\ttoenails\tblithely\tand\tcomplaining\tabout\tmen.\tMarianne\tlikes\tto be\t singled\t out\t as\t her\t special\t friend,\t even\t when\t this\t expresses\t itself\t as\t a tendency\tto\ttake\tup\tvast\tamounts\tof\ther\tleisure\ttime.\tBut\tat\tcertain\tparties lately,\tPeggy\thas\talso\tstarted\tto\tmake\tfun\tof\ther\tin\tfront\tof\tothers.\tFor\tthe sake\t of\t their\t friends,\t Marianne\t tries\t to\t laugh\t along,\t but\t the\t effort\t contorts her\t face,\t which\t only\t gives\t Peggy\t another\t chance\t to\t tease\t her.\t When everyone\t else\t has\t gone\t home\t she\t snuggles\t into\t Marianne\u2019s\t shoulder\t and says:\tDon\u2019t\tbe\tmad\twith\tme.\tAnd\tMarianne\tsays\tin\ta\tthin,\tdefensive\tvoice: I\u2019m\t not\t mad\t at\t you.\t They\t are\t right\t now\t shaping\t up\t to\t have\t this\t exact exchange,\tyet\tagain,\tin\tjust\ta\tfew\tshort\thours. After\t the\t Berlin\t story\t concludes,\t Marianne\t gets\t another\t bottle\t of\t wine from\tthe\tkitchen\tand\trefills\tpeople\u2019s\tglasses. How\tdid\tthe\texams\tgo,\tby\tthe\tway?\tSophie\tasks\ther. Marianne\tgives\ta\thumorous\tshrug\tand\tis\trewarded\twith\ta\tlittle\tlaughter. Her\t friends\t sometimes\t seem\t uncertain\t about\t her\t dynamic\t with\t Peggy,","volunteering\t extra\t laughter\t when\t Marianne\t tries\t to\t be\t funny,\t but\t in\t a\t way that\tcan\tseem\tsympathetic\tor\teven\tpitying\trather\tthan\tamused. Tell\tthe\ttruth,\tsays\tPeggy.\tYou\tfucked\tthem\tup,\tdidn\u2019t\tyou? Marianne\t smiles,\t makes\t a\t face,\t puts\t the\t cap\t back\t on\t the\t wine\t bottle. The\t scholarship\t exams\t finished\t two\t days\t ago;\t Peggy\t and\t Marianne\t sat them\ttogether. Well,\tthey\tcould\thave\tgone\tbetter,\tMarianne\tsays\tdiplomatically. This\t is\t one\t hundred\t per\t cent\t typical\t you,\t says\t Peggy.\t You\u2019re\t the smartest\tperson\tin\tthe\tworld\tbut\twhen\tit\tcomes\tdown\tto\tit,\tyou\u2019re\ta\tbottler. You\tcan\tsit\tthem\tagain\tnext\tyear,\tsays\tSophie. I\tdoubt\tthey\twent\tthat\tbadly,\tJoanna\tsays. Marianne\tavoids\tJoanna\u2019s\teyes\tand\tputs\tthe\twine\tback\tin\tthe\tfridge.\tThe scholarships\t offer\t five\t years\t of\t paid\t tuition,\t free\t accommodation\t on campus,\t and\t meals\t in\t the\t Dining\t Hall\t every\t evening\t with\t the\t other scholars.\tFor\tMarianne,\twho\tdoesn\u2019t\tpay\ther\town\trent\tor\ttuition\tand\thas\tno real\tconcept\tof\thow\tmuch\tthese\tthings\tcost,\tit\u2019s\tjust\ta\tmatter\tof\treputation. She\twould\tlike\ther\tsuperior\tintellect\tto\tbe\taffirmed\tin\tpublic\tby\tthe\ttransfer of\t large\t amounts\t of\t money.\t That\t way\t she\t could\t affect\t modesty\t without having\tanyone\tactually\tbelieve\ther.\tThe\tfact\tis,\tthe\texams\tdidn\u2019t\tgo\tbadly. They\twent\tfine. My\t Stats\t professor\t was\t on\t at\t me\t to\t sit\t them,\t says\t Jamie.\t But\t I\t just couldn\u2019t\tbe\tfucked\tstudying\tover\tChristmas. Marianne\t produces\t another\t vacant\t smile.\t Jamie\t didn\u2019t\t sit\t the\t exams because\t he\t knew\t he\t wouldn\u2019t\t pass\t them\t if\t he\t did.\t Everyone\t in\t the\t room knows\t this\t also.\t He\u2019s\t trying\t to\t brag,\t but\t he\t lacks\t the\t self-awareness\t to understand\t that\t what\t he\u2019s\t saying\t is\t legible\t as\t bragging,\t and\t that\t no\t one believes\tthe\tbrag\tanyway.\tThere\u2019s\tsomething\treassuring\tin\thow\ttransparent he\tis\tto\ther. Early\t in\t their\t relationship,\t without\t any\t apparent\t forethought,\t she\t told him\tshe\twas\t\u2018a\tsubmissive\u2019.\tShe\twas\tsurprised\teven\thearing\therself\tsay\tit: maybe\t she\t did\t it\t to\t shock\t him.\t What\t do\t you\t mean?\t he\t asked.\t Feeling worldly,\tshe\treplied:\tYou\tknow,\tI\tlike\tguys\tto\thurt\tme.\tAfter\tthat\the\tstarted to\ttie\ther\tup\tand\tbeat\ther\twith\tvarious\tobjects.\tWhen\tshe\tthinks\tabout\thow little\t she\t respects\t him,\t she\t feels\t disgusting\t and\t begins\t to\t hate\t herself,\t and these\tfeelings\ttrigger\tin\ther\tan\toverwhelming\tdesire\tto\tbe\tsubjugated\tand\tin a\t way\t broken.\t When\t it\t happens\t her\t brain\t simply\t goes\t empty,\t like\t a\t room with\t the\t light\t turned\t off,\t and\t she\t shudders\t into\t orgasm\t without\t any","perceptible\t joy.\t Then\t it\t begins\t again.\t When\t she\t thinks\t about\t breaking\t up with\t him,\t which\t she\t frequently\t does,\t it\u2019s\t not\t his\t reaction\t but\t Peggy\u2019s\t she finds\therself\tthinking\tabout\tmost. Peggy\tlikes\tJamie,\twhich\tis\tto\tsay\tthat\tshe\tthinks\the\u2019s\tkind\tof\ta\tfascist, but\t a\t fascist\t with\t no\t essential\t power\t over\t Marianne.\t Marianne\t complains about\t him\t sometimes\t and\t Peggy\t just\t says\t things\t like:\t Well,\t he\u2019s\t a chauvinist\t pig,\t what\t do\t you\t expect?\t Peggy\t thinks\t men\t are\t disgusting animals\t with\t no\t impulse\t control,\t and\t that\t women\t should\t avoid\t relying\t on them\tfor\temotional\tsupport.\tIt\ttook\ta\tlong\ttime\tfor\tit\tto\tdawn\ton\tMarianne that\t Peggy\t was\t using\t the\t guise\t of\t her\t general\t critique\t of\t men\t to\t defend Jamie\t whenever\t Marianne\t complained\t about\t him.\t What\t did\t you\t expect? Peggy\t would\t say.\t Or:\t You\t think\t that\u2019s\t bad?\t By\t male\t standards\t he\u2019s\t a prince.\tMarianne\thas\tno\tidea\twhy\tshe\tdoes\tthis.\tAny\ttime\tMarianne\tmakes the\t suggestion,\t however\t tentative,\t that\t things\t might\t be\t coming\t to\t an\t end with\tJamie,\tPeggy\u2019s\ttemper\tflares\tup.\tThey\u2019ve\teven\tfought\tabout\tit,\tfights that\tend\twith\tPeggy\tcuriously\tdeclaring\tthat\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t\tcare\twhether\tthey break\t up\t or\t not\t anyway,\t and\t Marianne,\t by\t then\t exhausted\t and\t confused, saying\tthey\tprobably\twon\u2019t. When\tMarianne\tsits\tback\tdown\tnow,\ther\tphone\tstarts\tringing,\ta\tnumber she\t doesn\u2019t\t recognise.\t She\t stands\t up\t to\t get\t it,\t gesturing\t for\t the\t others\t to continue\ttalking,\tand\twanders\tback\tinto\tthe\tkitchen. Hello?\tshe\tsays. Hi,\t it\u2019s\t Connell.\t This\t is\t a\t bit\t awkward,\t but\t I\u2019ve\t just\t had\t some\t of\t my things\tstolen.\tLike\tmy\twallet\tand\tmy\tphone\tand\tstuff. Jesus,\thow\tawful.\tWhat\thappened? I\u2019m\t just\t wondering\u2014\t See,\t I\u2019m\t all\t the\t way\t out\t in\t Dun\t Laoghaire\t now and\tI\tdon\u2019t\thave\tmoney\tto\tget\tin\ta\ttaxi\tor\tanything.\tI\twonder\tif\tthere\u2019s\tany way\tI\tcould\tmeet\tup\twith\tyou\tand\tmaybe\tborrow\tsome\tcash\tor\tsomething. All\ther\tfriends\tare\tlooking\tat\ther\tnow\tand\tshe\twaves\tthem\tback\tto\ttheir conversation.\t From\t the\t armchair\t Jamie\t continues\t to\t watch\t her\t on\t the phone. Of\t course,\t don\u2019t\t worry\t about\t that,\t she\t says.\t I\u2019m\t at\t home,\t so\t do\t you want\tto\tget\ta\ttaxi\tover\there?\tI\u2019ll\tcome\toutside\tand\tpay\tthe\tdriver,\tdoes\tthat suit\tyou?\tYou\tcan\tring\tthe\tbell\twhen\tyou\u2019re\there. Yeah.\t Alright,\t thanks.\t Thanks,\t Marianne.\t I\u2019m\t borrowing\t this\t phone\t so I\u2019d\tbetter\tgive\tit\tback\tnow.\tSee\tyou\tin\ta\tbit. He\thangs\tup.\tHer\tfriends\tlook\tat\ther\texpectantly\tas\tshe\tholds\tthe\tphone","in\tone\thand\tand\tturns\tto\tface\tthem.\tShe\texplains\twhat\u2019s\thappened,\tand\tthey all\texpress\tsympathy\tfor\tConnell.\tHe\tstill\tcomes\tto\ther\tparties\toccasionally, just\tfor\ta\tquick\tdrink\tbefore\theading\ton\tsomewhere\telse.\tHe\ttold\tMarianne in\tSeptember\twhat\thad\thappened\twith\tPaula\tNeary,\tand\tit\tmade\tMarianne feel\tunearthly,\tpossessed\tof\ta\tviolence\tshe\thad\tnever\tknown\tbefore.\tI\tknow I\u2019m\t being\t dramatic,\t Connell\t said.\t It\u2019s\t not\t like\t she\t did\t anything\t that\t bad. But\t I\t feel\t fucked\t up\t about\t it.\t Marianne\t heard\t herself\t in\t a\t voice\t like\t hard ice\t saying:\t I\t would\t like\t to\t slit\t her\t throat.\t Connell\t looked\t up\t and\t laughed, just\t from\t shock.\t Jesus,\t Marianne,\t he\t said.\t But\t he\t was\t laughing.\t I\t would, she\t insisted.\t He\t shook\t his\t head.\t You\t have\t to\t tone\t down\t these\t violent impulses,\t he\t said.\t You\t can\u2019t\t be\t going\t around\t slashing\t people\u2019s\t throats, they\u2019ll\tput\tyou\tin\tprison.\tMarianne\tlet\thim\tlaugh\tit\toff,\tbut\tquietly\tshe\tsaid: If\tshe\tever\tlays\ta\thand\ton\tyou\tagain\tI\twill\tdo\tit,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tcare. She\t has\t only\t spare\t change\t in\t her\t purse,\t but\t in\t a\t drawer\t in\t her\t bedside cabinet\tshe\thas\tthree\thundred\teuro\tin\tcash.\tShe\tgoes\tin\tthere\tnow,\twithout switching\t the\t light\t on,\t and\t she\t can\t hear\t the\t voices\t of\t her\t friends\t murmur through\t the\t wall.\t The\t cash\t is\t there,\t six\t fifties.\t She\t takes\t three\t and\t folds them\t into\t her\t purse\t quietly.\t Then\t she\t sits\t on\t the\t side\t of\t the\t bed,\t not wanting\tto\tgo\tback\tout\tright\taway. * Things\t at\t home\t were\t tense\t over\t Christmas.\t Alan\t gets\t anxious\t and\t highly strung\t whenever\t they\t have\t guests\t in\t the\t house.\t One\t night,\t after\t their\t aunt and\tuncle\tleft,\tAlan\tfollowed\tMarianne\tdown\tto\tthe\tkitchen,\twhere\tshe\thad taken\ttheir\tempty\tcups\tof\ttea. State\tof\tyou,\the\tsaid.\tBragging\tabout\tyour\texam\tresults. Marianne\t turned\t on\t the\t hot\t tap\t and\t measured\t the\t temperature\t with\t her fingers.\tAlan\tstood\tinside\tthe\tdoorway,\tarms\tfolded. I\tdidn\u2019t\tbring\tit\tup,\tshe\tsaid.\tThey\tdid. If\tthat\u2019s\tall\tyou\thave\tto\tbrag\tabout\tin\tyour\tlife\tI\tfeel\tsorry\tfor\tyou,\tsaid Alan. The\t water\t from\t the\t tap\t got\t warmer\t and\t Marianne\t put\t the\t plug\t in\t the sink\tand\tsqueezed\ta\tlittle\tdish\tsoap\tonto\ta\tsponge. Are\tyou\tlistening\tto\tme?\tsaid\tAlan. Yes,\tyou\tfeel\tsorry\tfor\tme,\tI\u2019m\tlistening. You\u2019re\tfucking\tpathetic,\tso\tyou\tare. Message\treceived,\tshe\tsaid.","She\t placed\t one\t of\t the\t cups\t on\t the\t draining\t board\t to\t dry\t and\t dipped another\tinto\tthe\thot\twater. Do\tyou\tthink\tyou\u2019re\tsmarter\tthan\tme?\the\tsaid. She\tran\tthe\twet\tsponge\taround\tthe\tinside\tof\tthe\tteacup.\tThat\u2019s\ta\tstrange question,\tshe\tsaid.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tthought\tabout\tit. Well,\tyou\u2019re\tnot,\the\tsaid. Okay,\tfair\tenough. Okay,\t fair\t enough,\t he\t repeated\t in\t a\t cringing,\t girlish\t voice.\t No\t wonder you\thave\tno\tfriends,\tyou\tcan\u2019t\teven\thave\ta\tnormal\tconversation. Right. You\tshould\thear\twhat\tpeople\tin\ttown\tsay\tabout\tyou. Involuntarily,\t because\t this\t idea\t was\t so\t ridiculous\t to\t her,\t she\t laughed. Enraged\tnow,\tAlan\twrenched\ther\tback\tfrom\tthe\tsink\tby\ther\tupper\tarm\tand, seemingly\t spontaneously,\t spat\t at\t her.\t Then\t he\t released\t her\t arm.\t A\t visible drop\t of\t spit\t had\t landed\t on\t the\t cloth\t of\t her\t skirt.\t Wow,\t she\t said,\t that\u2019s disgusting.\t Alan\t turned\t and\t left\t the\t room,\t and\t Marianne\t went\t back\t to rinsing\t the\t dishes.\t Lifting\t the\t fourth\t teacup\t onto\t the\t draining\t board\t she noticed\ta\tmild\tbut\tperceptible\ttremor\tin\ther\tright\thand. On\t Christmas\t Day\t her\t mother\t gave\t her\t an\t envelope\t with\t five\t hundred euro\t in\t it.\t There\t was\t no\t card;\t it\t was\t one\t of\t the\t small\t brown-paper envelopes\t she\t used\t for\t Lorraine\u2019s\t wages.\t Marianne\t thanked\t her,\t and Denise\t said\t airily:\t I\u2019m\t a\t bit\t concerned\t about\t you.\t Marianne\t fingered\t the envelope\t and\t tried\t to\t arrange\t her\t face\t into\t a\t suitable\t expression.\t What about\tme?\tshe\tsaid. Well,\tsaid\tDenise,\twhat\tare\tyou\tgoing\tto\tdo\twith\tyour\tlife? I\tdon\u2019t\tknow.\tI\tthink\tI\tstill\thave\ta\tlot\tof\toptions\topen.\tI\u2019m\tjust\tfocusing on\tcollege\tat\tthe\tmoment. And\tthen\twhat? Marianne\t pressed\t her\t thumb\t on\t the\t envelope\t and\t smudged\t it\t until\t a faint\t dark\t smear\t appeared\t on\t the\t paper.\t As\t I\t said,\t she\t repeated,\t I\t don\u2019t know. I\u2019m\t worried\t the\t real\t world\t will\t come\t as\t a\t bit\t of\t a\t shock\t to\t you,\t said Denise. In\twhat\tway? I\t don\u2019t\t know\t if\t you\t realise\t that\t university\t is\t a\t very\t protective","environment.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tlike\ta\tworkplace. Well,\t I\t doubt\t anyone\t in\t the\t workplace\t will\t spit\t at\t me\t over\t a disagreement,\t said\t Marianne.\t It\t would\t be\t pretty\t frowned\t upon,\t as\t I understand. Denise\t gave\t a\t tight-lipped\t smile.\t If\t you\t can\u2019t\t handle\t a\t little\t sibling rivalry,\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t how\t you\u2019re\t going\t to\t manage\t adult\t life,\t darling,\t she said. Let\u2019s\tsee\thow\tit\tgoes. At\t this,\t Denise\t struck\t the\t kitchen\t table\t with\t her\t open\t palm.\t Marianne flinched,\tbut\tdidn\u2019t\tlook\tup,\tdidn\u2019t\tlet\tgo\tof\tthe\tenvelope. You\tthink\tyou\u2019re\tspecial,\tdo\tyou?\tsaid\tDenise. Marianne\tlet\ther\teyes\tclose.\tNo,\tshe\tsaid.\tI\tdon\u2019t. * It\u2019s\t almost\t one\t in\t the\t morning\t by\t the\t time\t Connell\t rings\t the\t buzzer. Marianne\tgoes\tdownstairs\twith\ther\tpurse\tand\tfinds\tthe\ttaxi\tis\tidling\toutside the\tbuilding.\tIn\tthe\tsquare\topposite,\ta\tmist\twreathes\titself\taround\tthe\ttrees. Winter\t nights\t are\t so\t exquisite,\t she\t thinks\t of\t saying\t to\t Connell.\t He\u2019s standing\t talking\t to\t the\t driver\t through\t the\t window,\t with\t his\t back\t turned. When\t he\t hears\t the\t door\t he\t turns\t around,\t and\t she\t sees\t his\t mouth\t cut\t and bloody,\tdark\tblood\tlike\tdried\tink.\tShe\tsteps\tback,\tclutching\ther\tcollarbone, and\t Connell\t goes:\t I\t know,\t I\t saw\t myself\t in\t the\t mirror.\t But\t I\u2019m\t okay actually,\tI\tjust\tneed\tto\tget\tcleaned\tup.\tIn\ta\tstate\tof\tconfusion\tshe\tpays\tthe driver,\talmost\tdropping\ther\tchange\tin\tthe\tgutter.\tOn\tthe\tstaircase\tinside\tshe sees\tConnell\u2019s\tupper\tlip\tis\tswollen\tinto\ta\thard\tshiny\tmass\ton\tthe\tright\tside. His\t teeth\t are\t the\t colour\t of\t blood.\t Oh\t god,\t she\t says.\t What\t happened?\t He takes\ther\thand\tkindly,\tstroking\ther\tknuckles\twith\this\tthumb. Some\tguy\tcame\tup\tand\tasked\tme\tfor\tmy\twallet,\the\tsays.\tAnd\tI\ttold\thim no,\t for\t some\t reason,\t and\t then\t he\t hit\t me\t in\t the\t face.\t I\t mean,\t it\t was\t a\t bad idea,\tI\tshould\thave\tjust\tgiven\thim\tthe\tmoney.\tSorry\tfor\tcalling\tyou,\tit\u2019s\tthe only\tnumber\tI\tknew\toff\tthe\ttop\tof\tmy\thead. Oh,\t Connell,\t how\t awful.\t I\t have\t friends\t round,\t but\t what\t suits\t you?\t Do you\twant\tto\thave\ta\tshower\tor\tsomething\tand\tyou\tcan\tstay\there?\tOr\tdo\tyou want\tto\tjust\tget\tsome\tcash\tand\tgo\thome? They\u2019re\toutside\tthe\tdoor\tof\ther\tapartment\tnow,\tand\tthey\tpause\tthere. Whatever\u2019s\tgood\tfor\tyou,\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\treally\tdrunk,\tby\tthe\tway.\tSorry. Oh,\thow\tdrunk?","Well,\tI\thaven\u2019t\tbeen\thome\tsince\tthe\texams.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tdo\tI\tstill\thave pupils? She\t looks\t in\t his\t eyes,\t where\t his\t pupils\t are\t swollen\t to\t round\t black bullets. Yes,\tshe\tsays.\tThey\u2019re\thuge. He\tstrokes\ther\thand\tagain\tand\tsays\tmore\tquietly:\tOh\twell.\tThey\tget\tlike that\twhen\tI\tsee\tyou\tanyway. She\tlaughs,\tshaking\ther\thead. You\u2019re\t definitely\t drunk\t if\t you\u2019re\t flirting\t with\t me,\t she\t says.\t Jamie\u2019s here,\tyou\tknow. Connell\t breathes\t in\t through\t his\t nose\t and\t then\t glances\t over\t his\t own shoulder. Maybe\tI\u2019ll\tjust\tgo\tback\tout\tand\tget\tpunched\tin\tthe\tface\tagain,\the\tsays.\tIt wasn\u2019t\tthat\tbad. She\tsmiles,\tbut\the\tlets\tgo\tof\ther\thand.\tShe\topens\tthe\tdoor. In\t the\t living\t room\t her\t friends\t all\t gasp\t and\t make\t him\t retell\t the\t story, which\t he\t does,\t though\t without\t the\t desired\t drama.\t Marianne\t gets\t him\t a glass\tof\twater,\twhich\the\tswills\tin\this\tmouth\tand\tthen\tspits\tinto\tthe\tkitchen sink,\tpink\tlike\tcoral. Fucking\tlowlife\tscum,\tsays\tJamie. Who,\tme?\tConnell\tsays.\tThat\u2019s\tnot\tvery\tnice.\tWe\tcan\u2019t\tall\tgo\tto\tprivate school,\tyou\tknow. Joanna\t laughs.\t Connell\t isn\u2019t\t usually\t hostile\t and\t Marianne\t wonders\t if getting\tpunched\tin\tthe\tface\thas\tput\thim\tin\ta\thostile\tmood,\tor\telse\the\u2019s\tmore drunk\tthan\tshe\tthought. I\t was\t talking\t about\t the\t guy\t that\t robbed\t you,\t says\t Jamie.\t And\t he\t was probably\tstealing\tto\tbuy\tdrugs,\tby\tthe\tway,\tthat\u2019s\twhat\tmost\tof\tthem\tdo. Connell\t touches\t his\t teeth\t with\t his\t fingers\t as\t if\t to\t ascertain\t that\t they\u2019re still\tin\this\tmouth.\tThen\the\twipes\this\thands\ton\ta\tdishtowel. Oh\twell,\the\tsays.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tan\teasy\tlife\tout\tthere\tfor\ta\tdrug\taddict. No,\tindeed,\tsays\tJoanna. They\tcould\talways\ttry,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tgiving\tup\tdrugs?\tsays\tJamie. Connell\t laughs\t and\t says:\t Yeah,\t I\u2019m\t sure\t they\u2019ve\t just\t never\t thought\t of that.","Everyone\u2019s\t quiet\t and\t Connell\t gives\t a\t bashful\t smile.\t His\t teeth\t are\t less insane-looking\t now\t that\t he\u2019s\t rinsed\t them\t with\t water.\t Sorry,\t everyone,\t he says.\t I\u2019ll\t get\t out\t of\t your\t way.\t They\t all\t insist\t he\u2019s\t not\t in\t their\t way,\t except Jamie,\t who\t says\t nothing.\t Marianne\t experiences\t a\t flash\t of\t maternalistic desire\t to\t run\t Connell\t a\t bath.\t Joanna\t asks\t him\t if\t he\u2019s\t in\t pain,\t and\t he responds\tby\trubbing\this\tfront\tteeth\twith\ta\tfingertip\tagain\tand\tthen\tsaying: It\u2019s\t not\t that\t bad.\t He\u2019s\t wearing\t a\t black\t jacket\t over\t a\t stained\t white\t T-shirt, under\t which\t Marianne\t recognises\t the\t glimmer\t of\t an\t unadorned\t silver neckchain\t he\u2019s\t had\t since\t school.\t Peggy\t once\t described\t the\t neckchain\t as \u2018Argos\tchic\u2019,\twhich\tmade\tMarianne\tcringe,\tthough\tshe\tcouldn\u2019t\ttell\twhich friend\tshe\twas\tcringing\tfor. How\t much\t cash\t do\t you\t think\t you\u2019ll\t need?\t she\t says\t to\t Connell.\t The question\t is\t sensitive\t enough\t that\t her\t friends\t start\t to\t talk\t amongst themselves,\t so\t she\t feels\t she\t has\t him\t almost\t alone.\t He\t shrugs.\t You\t might not\t be\t able\t to\t make\t withdrawals\t without\t your\t bank\t card,\t she\t says.\t He squeezes\this\teyes\tshut\tand\ttouches\this\tforehead. Fuck\tme,\tI\u2019m\tso\tdrunk,\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tsorry,\tI\tfeel\tlike\tI\u2019m\thallucinating. What\tare\tyou\tasking\tme? Money.\tHow\tmuch\tcan\tI\tgive\tyou? Oh,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tten\tquid? Let\tme\tgive\tyou\ta\thundred,\tshe\tsays. What?\tNo. They\t argue\t like\t this\t for\t a\t while,\t until\t Jamie\t comes\t up\t and\t touches Marianne\u2019s\t arm.\t She\t is\t suddenly\t conscious\t of\t his\t ugliness,\t and\t wants\t to pull\t away\t from\t him.\t His\t hairline\t is\t receding\t and\t he\t has\t a\t weak,\t jawless face.\tBeside\thim,\tand\teven\tcovered\tin\tblood,\tConnell\tradiates\tgood\thealth and\tcharisma. I\u2019ll\tprobably\thave\tto\thead\toff\tshortly,\tsays\tJamie. Well,\tI\u2019ll\tsee\tyou\ttomorrow,\tsays\tMarianne. Jamie\tlooks\tat\ther\tin\tshock\tand\tshe\tswallows\tthe\timpulse\tto\tsay:\tWhat? Instead\t she\t smiles.\t It\u2019s\t not\t like\t she\u2019s\t the\t world\u2019s\t best-looking\t person,\t far from\tit.\tIn\tcertain\tphotographs\tshe\tappears\tnot\tonly\tplain\tbut\tgarishly\tugly, baring\ther\tcrooked\tteeth\tfor\tthe\tcamera\tlike\ta\tpiece\tof\tvermin.\tGuiltily\tshe squeezes\t Jamie\u2019s\t wrist,\t as\t if\t she\t can\t perform\t the\t following\t impossible\t act of\tcommunication:\tto\tJamie,\tthat\tConnell\tis\tinjured\tand\tregrettably\trequires her\tattention,\twhile\tto\tConnell,\tthat\tshe\twould\trather\tnot\tbe\ttouching\tJamie at\tall.","Alright,\tsays\tJamie.\tWell,\tgoodnight,\tthen. He\t kisses\t the\t side\t of\t her\t face\t and\t goes\t to\t get\t his\t jacket.\t Everyone thanks\tMarianne\tfor\thaving\tthem.\tGlasses\tare\tleft\ton\tthe\tdraining\tboard\tor in\tthe\tsink.\tThen\tthe\tfront\tdoor\tcloses\tand\tshe\tand\tConnell\tare\talone.\tShe feels\t her\t shoulder\t muscles\t relaxing,\t like\t their\t solitude\t is\t a\t narcotic.\t She fills\tthe\tkettle\tand\ttakes\tcups\tdown\tfrom\tthe\tpress,\tthen\tplaces\tsome\tmore of\tthe\tdirty\tglasses\tin\tthe\tsink\tand\tempties\tthe\tashtray. Is\the\tstill\tyour\tboyfriend,\tthen?\tsays\tConnell. She\t smiles,\t and\t so\t does\t he.\t She\t takes\t two\t teabags\t from\t the\t box\t and tamps\tthem\tdown\tinto\tthe\tcups\twhile\tthe\tkettle\tis\tboiling.\tShe\tloves\tto\tbe alone\twith\thim\tlike\tthis.\tIt\tmakes\ther\tlife\tseem\tvery\tmanageable\tsuddenly. He\tis,\tyes,\tshe\tsays. And\twhy\twould\tthat\tbe\tthe\tcase? Why\tis\the\tmy\tboyfriend? Yeah,\tsays\tConnell.\tWhat\u2019s\tgoing\ton\tthere?\tIn\tterms\tof\tlike,\twhy\tyou\u2019re still\tgoing\tout\twith\thim. Marianne\tsnorts.\tI\tpresume\tyou\u2019ll\thave\ttea,\tshe\tsays.\tHe\tnods.\tHe\tputs his\tright\thand\tin\this\tpocket.\tShe\ttakes\ta\tcarton\tof\tmilk\tfrom\tthe\tfridge,\tit\u2019s damp\tin\ther\tfingers.\tConnell\tis\tstanding\t against\t the\t kitchen\t counter\t now, his\t mouth\t swollen\t but\t most\t of\t the\t blood\t rinsed\t off,\t and\t his\t face\t looks brutally\thandsome. You\t could\t have\t a\t different\t boyfriend,\t you\t know,\t he\t says.\t I\t mean,\t guys are\tconstantly\tfalling\tin\tlove\twith\tyou,\tfrom\twhat\tI\thear. Stop\tthat. You\u2019re\tthe\tkind\tof\tperson,\tpeople\teither\tlove\tyou\tor\thate\tyou. The\tkettle\tclicks\tits\tswitch\tand\tshe\tlifts\tit\tout\tof\tthe\tcradle.\tShe\tfills\tone of\tthe\tcups\tand\tthen\tthe\tother. Well,\tyou\tdon\u2019t\thate\tme,\tshe\tsays. He\tdoesn\u2019t\tsay\tanything\tat\tfirst.\tThen\the\tsays:\tNo,\tI\u2019m\timmune\tto\tyou, in\ta\tway.\tBecause\tI\tknew\tyou\tin\tschool. When\tI\twas\tan\tugly\tloser,\tsays\tMarianne. No,\tyou\twere\tnever\tugly. She\t puts\t the\t kettle\t back\t down.\t She\t feels\t a\t certain\t power\t over\t him,\t a dangerous\tpower.","Do\tyou\tstill\tthink\tI\u2019m\tpretty?\tshe\tsays. He\t looks\t at\t her,\t probably\t knowing\t what\t she\u2019s\t doing,\t and\t then\t looks\t at his\town\thands,\tas\tif\treminding\thimself\tof\this\tphysical\tstature\tin\tthe\troom. You\u2019re\tin\ta\tgood\tmood,\the\tsays.\tMust\thave\tbeen\ta\tgood\tparty. She\t ignores\t this.\t Fuck\t you,\t she\t thinks,\t but\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t it.\t She dumps\tthe\tteabags\tin\tthe\tsink\twith\ta\tspoon,\tthen\tuses\tthe\tmilk\tand\treplaces it\t in\t the\t fridge,\t all\t with\t the\t rapid\t movements\t of\t someone\t dealing impatiently\twith\ta\tdrunk\tfriend. I\u2019d\t rather\t literally\t anyone\t else,\t says\t Connell.\t I\u2019d\t rather\t the\t guy\t who mugged\tme\twas\tyour\tboyfriend. What\tdo\tyou\tcare? He\tsays\tnothing.\tShe\tthinks\tof\tthe\tway\tshe\ttreated\tJamie\tbefore\the\tleft, and\trubs\ther\tface\twith\ther\thands.\tSome\tmilk-drinking\tculchie,\tJamie\tcalled Connell\t once.\t It\u2019s\t true,\t she\t has\t seen\t Connell\t drink\t milk\t directly\t from\t the carton.\t He\t plays\t video\t games\t with\t aliens\t in\t them,\t he\t has\t opinions\t about football\t managers.\t He\u2019s\t wholesome\t like\t a\t big\t baby\t tooth.\t Probably\t never in\t his\t life\t has\t he\t thought\t about\t inflicting\t pain\t on\t someone\t for\t sexual purposes.\tHe\u2019s\ta\tgood\tperson,\the\u2019s\ta\tnice\tfriend.\tSo\twhy\tdoes\tshe\tgo\tafter him\tlike\tthis\tall\tthe\ttime,\tpressing\thim\tfor\tsomething?\tDoes\tshe\thave\tto\tbe her\told\tdesperate\tself\taround\thim\talways? Do\tyou\tlove\thim?\tsays\tConnell. Her\thand\tpauses\ton\tthe\tdoor\tof\tthe\tfridge. Unlike\t you\t to\t take\t an\t interest\t in\t my\t feelings,\t Connell,\t she\t says.\t I\t kind of\tthought\tthat\tstuff\twas\toff-limits\tfor\tus,\tI\thave\tto\tsay. Alright.\tOkay. He\t rubs\t at\t his\t mouth\t again,\t looking\t distracted\t now.\t Then\t he\t drops\t his hand\tand\tlooks\tout\tthe\tkitchen\twindow. Look,\t he\t says,\t I\t probably\t should\t have\t told\t you\t before,\t but\t I\u2019ve\t been seeing\tsomeone.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\twith\ther\tfor\ta\twhile,\tI\tshould\thave\tmentioned\tit to\tyou. Marianne\tis\tso\tshocked\tby\tthis\tnews\tthat\tit\tfeels\tphysical.\tShe\tlooks\tat him,\tplainly,\tunable\tto\tdisguise\ther\tastonishment.\tIn\tthe\ttime\tthey\u2019ve\tbeen friends\the\thas\tnever\thad\ta\tgirlfriend.\tShe\u2019s\tnever\teven\tgiven\tmuch\tthought to\tthe\tidea\tthat\the\tmight\twant\tone. What?\tshe\tsays.\tHow\tlong\thave\tyou\tbeen\ttogether?","About\tsix\tweeks.\tHelen\tBrophy,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twould\tyou\tknow\ther.\tShe studies\tMedicine. Marianne\tturns\ther\tback\ton\thim\tand\ttakes\ther\tcup\tfrom\tthe\tcounter.\tShe tries\tto\thold\ther\tshoulders\tvery\tstill,\tfrightened\tthat\tshe\u2019ll\tcry\tand\the\u2019ll\tsee her. Why\tare\tyou\ttrying\tto\tget\tme\tto\tbreak\tup\twith\tJamie,\tthen?\tshe\tsays. I\u2019m\tnot,\tI\u2019m\tnot.\tI\tjust\twant\tyou\tto\tbe\thappy,\tthat\u2019s\tall. Because\tyou\u2019re\tsuch\ta\tgood\tfriend,\tis\tit? Well,\tyeah,\the\tsays.\tI\tmean,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow. The\tcup\tin\tMarianne\u2019s\thands\tis\ttoo\thot\tto\thold,\tbut\tinstead\tof\tplacing\tit down\tagain\tshe\tjust\tlets\tthe\tpain\tseep\tinto\ther\tfingers,\tdown\tinto\ther\tflesh. Are\tyou\tin\tlove\twith\ther?\tshe\tsays. Yeah.\tI\tdo\tlove\ther,\tyeah. Now\t Marianne\t starts\t crying,\t the\t most\t embarrassing\t thing\t that\t has happened\tto\ther\tin\ther\tentire\tadult\tlife.\tHer\tback\tis\tturned\tbut\tshe\tfeels\ther shoulders\tjerk\tupwards\tin\ta\thorrible\tinvoluntary\tspasm. Jesus,\tsays\tConnell.\tMarianne. Fuck\toff. Connell\ttouches\ther\tback\tand\tshe\tjolts\taway\tfrom\thim,\tlike\the\u2019s\ttrying to\thurt\ther.\tShe\tputs\tthe\tcup\tdown\ton\tthe\tcounter\tto\twipe\ther\tface\troughly with\ther\tsleeve. Just\tgo\taway,\tshe\tsays.\tLeave\tme\talone. Marianne,\tdon\u2019t.\tI\tfeel\tawful,\tokay?\tI\tshould\thave\ttold\tyou\tbefore,\tI\u2019m sorry. I\tdon\u2019t\twant\tto\ttalk\tto\tyou.\tJust\tleave. For\ta\twhile\tnothing\thappens.\tShe\tchews\ton\tthe\tinside\tof\ther\tcheek\tuntil the\tpain\tbegins\tto\tsettle\ther\tnerves\tand\tshe\u2019s\tnot\tcrying\tanymore.\tShe\tdries her\tface\tagain,\twith\ther\thands\tthis\ttime,\tand\tturns\taround. Please,\tshe\tsays.\tPlease\tjust\tgo. He\tsighs,\the\u2019s\tlooking\tat\tthe\tfloor.\tHe\trubs\this\teyes. Yeah,\the\tsays.\tLook,\tI\u2019m\treally\tsorry\tto\task,\tbut\tI\tdo\tkind\tof\tneed\tthat money\tto\tget\thome.\tSorry. She\tremembers\tthen\tand\tfeels\tbad.\tIn\tfact\tshe\tsmiles\tat\thim,\tthat\u2019s\thow","bad\t she\t feels.\t Oh\t god,\t she\t says.\t In\t the\t excitement\t there\t I\t forgot\t you actually\tgot\tassaulted.\tCan\tI\tgive\tyou\ttwo\tfifties,\tis\tthat\tokay?\tHe\tnods,\tbut he\u2019s\t not\t looking\t at\t her.\t She\t knows\t that\t he\t feels\t bad;\t she\t wants\t to\t be\t a grown-up\t about\t things.\t She\t finds\t her\t purse\t and\t hands\t him\t the\t money, which\t he\t puts\t in\t his\t pocket.\t He\t looks\t down,\t blinking\t and\t clearing\t his throat,\tlike\the\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tcry\ttoo.\tI\u2019m\tsorry,\the\tsays. It\u2019s\tnothing,\tshe\tsays.\tDon\u2019t\tworry\tabout\tit. He\trubs\tat\this\tnose\tand\tlooks\taround\tthe\troom\tlike\the\u2019s\tnever\tgoing\tto see\tit\tagain. You\tknow,\tI\tdidn\u2019t\treally\tknow\twhat\twas\tgoing\ton\twith\tus\tlast\tsummer, he\tsays.\tLike,\twhen\tI\thad\tto\tmove\thome\tand\tthat.\tI\tkind\tof\tthought\tmaybe you\t would\t let\t me\t stay\t here\t or\t something.\t I\t don\u2019t\t really\t know\t what happened\twith\tus\tin\tthe\tend. She\t feels\t a\t sharp\t pain\t in\t her\t chest\t and\t her\t hand\t flies\t to\t her\t throat, clutching\tat\tnothing. You\ttold\tme\tyou\twanted\tus\tto\tsee\tother\tpeople,\tshe\tsays.\tI\thad\tno\tidea you\twanted\tto\tstay\there.\tI\tthought\tyou\twere\tbreaking\tup\twith\tme. He\trubs\this\tpalm\tflat\tagainst\this\tmouth\tfor\ta\tsecond,\tand\tthen\tbreathes out. You\t didn\u2019t\t say\t anything\t about\t wanting\t to\t stay\t here,\t she\t adds.\t You would\thave\tbeen\twelcome,\tobviously.\tYou\talways\twere. Right,\tokay,\the\tsays.\tLook,\tI\u2019ll\thead\toff,\tthen.\tHave\ta\tgood\tnight,\tyeah? He\tleaves.\tThe\tdoor\tclicks\tshut\tbehind\thim,\tnot\tvery\tloudly. In\tthe\tArts\tBlock\tthe\tnext\tmorning\tJamie\tkisses\ther\tin\tfront\tof\teveryone and\t says\t she\t looks\t beautiful.\t How\t was\t Connell\t last\t night?\t he\t says.\t She grips\t Jamie\u2019s\t hand,\t she\t gives\t a\t conspiratorial\t roll\t of\t her\t eyes.\t Oh,\t he\t was so\tout\tof\tit,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tgot\trid\tof\thim\teventually.","Six\tMonths\tLater (JULY\t2013) He\twakes\tup\tjust\tafter\teight.\tIt\u2019s\tbright\toutside\tthe\twindow\tand\tthe\tcarriage is\t warming\t up,\t a\t heavy\t warmth\t of\t breath\t and\t sweat.\t Minor\t train\t stations with\t unreadable\t names\t flash\t past\t and\t vanish.\t Elaine\t is\t already\t awake\t but Niall\t is\t still\t sleeping.\t Connell\t rubs\t his\t left\t eye\t with\t his\t knuckles\t and\t sits up.\tElaine\tis\treading\tthe\tone\tnovel\tshe\thas\tbrought\twith\ther\ton\tthe\tjourney, a\t novel\t with\t a\t glossy\t cover\t and\t the\t words\t Now\t a\t Major\t Motion\t Picture along\t the\t top.\t The\t actress\t on\t the\t front\t has\t been\t their\t constant\t companion for\t weeks.\t Connell\t feels\t an\t almost\t friendly\t affinity\t with\t her\t pale\t period- drama\tface. Whereabouts\tare\twe,\tdo\tyou\tknow?\tsays\tConnell. Elaine\t looks\t up\t from\t the\t book.\t We\t passed\t Ljubljana\t about\t two\t hours ago,\tshe\tsays. Oh,\tright,\the\tsays.\tWe\u2019re\tnot\tfar,\tthen. Connell\tlooks\tover\tat\tNiall,\twhose\tsleeping\thead\tis\tbobbing\tslightly\ton his\tneck.\tElaine\tfollows\this\tgaze.\tOut\tfor\tthe\tcount\tas\tusual,\tshe\tsays. There\twere\tothers\tat\tthe\tbeginning.\tSome\tfriends\tof\tElaine\u2019s\twent\twith them\t from\t Berlin\t to\t Prague,\t and\t they\t met\t a\t few\t of\t Niall\u2019s\t Engineering classmates\t in\t Bratislava\t before\t they\t crossed\t over\t to\t Vienna\t on\t the\t train. Hostels\t were\t cheap,\t and\t the\t cities\t they\t visited\t had\t a\t pleasantly\t temporary feeling\t about\t them.\t Nothing\t Connell\t did\t there\t seemed\t to\t stay\t with\t him. The\t whole\t trip\t felt\t like\t a\t series\t of\t short\t films,\t screened\t only\t once,\t and afterwards\the\thad\ta\tsense\tof\twhat\tthey\twere\tabout\tbut\tno\texact\tmemories of\tthe\tplot.\tHe\tremembers\tseeing\tthings\tout\tthe\twindows\tof\ttaxis. In\t each\t city\t he\t finds\t an\t internet\t cafe\t and\t completes\t the\t same\t three rituals\t of\t communication:\t he\t calls\t Helen\t on\t Skype,\t he\t sends\t his\t mother\t a free\t text\t message\t from\t his\t phone\t network\u2019s\t website,\t and\t he\t writes Marianne\tan\temail. Helen\tis\ton\ta\tJ1\tin\tChicago\tfor\tthe\tsummer.\tIn\tthe\tbackground\tof\ttheir calls\t he\t can\t hear\t her\t girlfriends\t chatting,\t doing\t things\t with\t each\t other\u2019s hair,\tand\tsometimes\tHelen\twill\tturn\tand\tsay\tsomething\tto\tthem\tlike:\tGuys, please!\t I\u2019m\t on\t the\t phone!\t He\t loves\t seeing\t her\t face\t on-screen,\t especially when\t the\t connection\t is\t good\t and\t her\t movements\t are\t smooth\t and\t lifelike. She\t has\t a\t great\t smile,\t great\t teeth.\t After\t the\t end\t of\t their\t call\t yesterday\t he paid\t at\t the\t counter,\t walked\t back\t out\t into\t the\t sunshine\t and\t bought\t himself","an\t overpriced\t glass\t of\t Coke\t with\t ice.\t Sometimes\t when\t Helen\t has\t a\t lot\t of friends\t around\t or\t if\t the\t internet\t cafe\t is\t especially\t crowded,\t their conversations\t can\t get\t a\t little\t awkward,\t but\t even\t still\t he\t feels\t better\t after talking\t to\t her.\t He\t finds\t himself\t rushing\t to\t the\t end\t of\t the\t conversation\t so they\t can\t hang\t up,\t and\t then\t he\t can\t retrospectively\t savour\t how\t much\t he likes\t seeing\t her,\t without\t the\t moment-to-moment\t pressure\t of\t having\t to produce\tthe\tright\texpressions\tand\tsay\tthe\tright\tthings.\tJust\tto\tsee\tHelen,\ther beautiful\t face,\t her\t smile,\t and\t to\t know\t that\t she\t continues\t loving\t him,\t this puts\tthe\tgift\tof\tjoy\tinto\this\tday,\tand\tfor\thours\the\tfeels\tnothing\tbut\ta\tlight- headed\thappiness. Helen\t has\t given\t Connell\t a\t new\t way\t to\t live.\t It\u2019s\t as\t if\t an\t impossibly heavy\tlid\thas\tbeen\tlifted\toff\this\temotional\tlife\tand\tsuddenly\the\tcan\tbreathe fresh\tair.\tIt\tis\tphysically\tpossible\tto\ttype\tand\tsend\ta\tmessage\treading:\tI\tlove you!\tIt\thad\tnever\tseemed\tpossible\tbefore,\tnot\tremotely,\tbut\tin\tfact\tit\u2019s\teasy. Of\t course\t if\t someone\t saw\t the\t messages\t he\t would\t be\t embarrassed,\t but\t he knows\t now\t that\t this\t is\t a\t normal\t kind\t of\t embarrassment,\t an\t almost protective\timpulse\ttowards\ta\tparticularly\tgood\tpart\tof\tlife.\tHe\tcan\tsit\tdown to\t dinner\t with\t Helen\u2019s\t parents,\t he\t can\t accompany\t her\t to\t her\t friends\u2019 parties,\t he\t can\t tolerate\t the\t smiling\t and\t the\t exchange\t of\t repetitive conversation.\t He\t can\t squeeze\t her\t hand\t while\t people\t ask\t him\t questions about\t his\t future.\t When\t she\t touches\t him\t spontaneously,\t applying\t a\t little pressure\tto\this\tarm,\tor\teven\treaching\tto\tbrush\ta\tpiece\tof\tlint\toff\this\tcollar, he\t feels\t a\t rush\t of\t pride,\t and\t hopes\t that\t people\t are\t watching\t them.\t To\t be known\t as\t her\t boyfriend\t plants\t him\t firmly\t in\t the\t social\t world,\t establishes him\t as\t an\t acceptable\t person,\t someone\t with\t a\t particular\t status,\t someone whose\tconversational\tsilences\tare\tthoughtful\trather\tthan\tsocially\tawkward. The\ttexts\the\tsends\tLorraine\tare\tfairly\tbusinesslike.\tHe\tupdates\ther\twhen they\tsee\thistoric\tlandmarks\tor\tcultural\ttreasures.\tYesterday: hey\tfrom\tvienna.\tstephen\u2019s\tcathedral\tfairly\toverrated\tto\tbe\thonest\tbut the\tart\thistory\tmuseum\twas\tgood.\thope\tthings\tare\tok\tat\thome. She\tlikes\tto\task\thow\tHelen\u2019s\tdoing.\tThe\tfirst\ttime\tthey\tmet,\tHelen\tand\this mother\t hit\t it\t off\t right\t away.\t Whenever\t Helen\t visits,\t Lorraine\t is\t always shaking\ther\thead\tat\tConnell\u2019s\tlittle\tbehaviours\tand\tsaying:\tHow\tdo\tyou\tput up\t with\t him,\t sweetheart?\t But\t whatever,\t it\u2019s\t nice\t they\t get\t along.\t Helen\t is the\t first\t girlfriend\t he\t has\t introduced\t to\t his\t mother\t and\t he\t finds\t he\u2019s curiously\teager\tto\timpress\ton\tLorraine\thow\tnormal\ttheir\trelationship\tis\tand how\t nice\t a\t person\t Helen\t considers\t him\t to\t be.\t He\u2019s\t not\t sure\t where\t this stems\tfrom\texactly. In\t the\t weeks\t they\u2019ve\t been\t apart,\t his\t emails\t to\t Marianne\t have\t become","lengthy.\t He\u2019s\t started\t drafting\t them\t on\t his\t phone\t in\t idle\t moments,\t while waiting\tfor\this\tclothes\tin\ta\tlaunderette,\tor\tlying\tin\tthe\thostel\tat\tnight\twhen he\tcan\u2019t\tsleep\tfor\tthe\theat.\tHe\treads\tover\tthese\tdrafts\trepeatedly,\treviewing all\tthe\telements\tof\tprose,\tmoving\tclauses\taround\tto\tmake\tthe\tsentences\tfit together\tcorrectly.\tTime\tsoftens\tout\twhile\the\ttypes,\tfeeling\tslow\tand\tdilated while\t actually\t passing\t very\t rapidly,\t and\t more\t than\t once\t he\u2019s\t looked\t up\t to find\t that\t hours\t have\t gone\t by.\t He\t couldn\u2019t\t explain\t aloud\t what\t he\t finds\t so absorbing\tabout\this\temails\tto\tMarianne,\tbut\the\tdoesn\u2019t\tfeel\tthat\tit\u2019s\ttrivial. The\t experience\t of\t writing\t them\t feels\t like\t an\t expression\t of\t a\t broader\t and more\t fundamental\t principle,\t something\t in\t his\t identity,\t or\t something\t even more\t abstract,\t to\t do\t with\t life\t itself.\t In\t his\t little\t grey\t journal\t he\t wrote recently:\t idea\t for\t a\t story\t told\t through\t emails?\t Then\t he\t crossed\t it\t out, deciding\t it\t was\t gimmicky.\t He\t finds\t himself\t crossing\t things\t out\t in\t his journal\tas\tif\the\timagines\tsome\tfuture\tperson\tporing\tover\tit\tin\tdetail,\tas\tif\the wants\tthe\tfuture\tperson\tto\tknow\twhich\tideas\the\thas\tthought\tbetter\tof. His\t correspondence\t with\t Marianne\t includes\t a\t lot\t of\t links\t to\t news reports.\t At\t the\t moment\t they\u2019re\t both\t engrossed\t in\t the\t Edward\t Snowden story,\t Marianne\t because\t of\t her\t interest\t in\t the\t architecture\t of\t global surveillance,\t and\t Connell\t because\t of\t the\t fascinating\t personal\t drama.\t He reads\t all\t the\t speculation\t online,\t he\t watches\t the\t blurry\t footage\t from Sheremetyevo\tAirport.\tHe\tand\tMarianne\tcan\tonly\ttalk\tabout\tit\tover\temail, using\t the\t same\t communication\t technologies\t they\t now\t know\t are\t under surveillance,\tand\tit\tfeels\tat\ttimes\tlike\ttheir\trelationship\thas\tbeen\tcaptured\tin a\tcomplex\tnetwork\tof\tstate\tpower,\tthat\tthe\tnetwork\tis\ta\tform\tof\tintelligence in\t itself,\t containing\t them\t both,\t and\t containing\t their\t feelings\t for\t one another.\t I\t feel\t like\t the\t NSA\t agent\t reading\t these\t emails\t has\t the\t wrong impression\t of\t us,\t Marianne\t wrote\t once.\t They\t probably\t don\u2019t\t know\t about the\ttime\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\tinvite\tme\tto\tthe\tDebs. She\twrites\tto\thim\ta\tlot\tabout\tthe\thouse\twhere\tshe\u2019s\tstaying\twith\tJamie and\tPeggy,\toutside\tTrieste.\tShe\trecounts\tthe\tgoings-on,\thow\tshe\tfeels,\thow she\t surmises\t the\t others\t are\t feeling,\t and\t what\t she\u2019s\t reading\t and\t thinking about.\t He\t writes\t to\t her\t about\t the\t cities\t they\t visit,\t sometimes\t including\t a paragraph\tdescribing\ta\tparticular\tsight\tor\tscene.\tHe\twrote\tabout\tcoming\tup from\t the\t U-Bahn\t station\t in\t Sch\u00f6nleinstra\u00dfe\t to\t find\t it\t was\t suddenly\t dark out,\tand\tthe\tfronds\tof\ttrees\twaving\tover\tthem\tlike\tspooky\tfingers,\tand\tthe noise\tfrom\tbars,\tand\tthe\tsmell\tof\tpizza\tand\texhaust\tfumes.\tIt\tfeels\tpowerful to\thim\tto\tput\tan\texperience\tdown\tin\twords,\tlike\the\u2019s\ttrapping\tit\tin\ta\tjar\tand it\tcan\tnever\tfully\tleave\thim.\tHe\ttold\tMarianne\tonce\tthat\the\u2019d\tbeen\twriting stories,\tand\tnow\tshe\tkeeps\tasking\tto\tread\tthem.\tIf\tthey\u2019re\tas\tgood\tas\tyour emails\t they\t must\t be\t superb,\t she\t wrote.\t That\t was\t a\t nice\t thing\t to\t read, though\the\tresponded\thonestly:\tThey\u2019re\tnot\tas\tgood\tas\tmy\temails.","He\t and\t Niall\t and\t Elaine\t have\t arranged\t to\t get\t the\t train\t from\t Vienna\t to Trieste\t to\t spend\t their\t last\t few\t nights\t in\t Marianne\u2019s\t holiday\t home,\t before they\t all\t fly\t back\t to\t Dublin\t together.\t A\t day\t trip\t to\t Venice\t has\t been mentioned.\t Last\t night\t they\t got\t on\t the\t train\t with\t their\t backpacks\t and Connell\t texted\t Marianne:\t should\t be\t there\t by\t tomorrow\t afternoon,\t won\u2019t have\t time\t to\t reply\t to\t your\t email\t properly\t before\t then.\t He\t has\t almost\t no clean\tclothes\tleft\tby\tnow.\tHe\u2019s\twearing\ta\tgrey\tT-shirt,\tblack\tjeans\tand\tdirty white\t trainers.\t In\t his\t backpack:\t various\t lightly\t soiled\t clothes,\t one\t clean white\t T-shirt,\t an\t empty\t plastic\t bottle\t for\t water,\t clean\t underwear,\t a\t rolled- up\tphone\tcharger,\this\tpassport,\ttwo\tpackets\tof\tgeneric\tparacetamol,\ta\tvery beaten-up\t copy\t of\t a\t James\t Salter\t novel,\t and\t for\t Marianne,\t an\t edition\t of Frank\tO\u2019Hara\u2019s\tselected\tpoems\the\tfound\tin\tan\tEnglish-language\tbookshop in\tBerlin.\tOne\tsoft-covered\tgrey\tnotebook. Elaine\t nudges\t Niall\t until\t his\t head\t jerks\t forward\t and\t his\t eyes\t open.\t He asks\t what\t time\t it\t is\t and\t where\t they\t are,\t and\t Elaine\t tells\t him.\t Then\t Niall links\t his\t fingers\t together\t and\t stretches\t his\t arms\t out\t in\t front\t of\t him.\t His joints\tcrack\tquietly.\tConnell\tlooks\tout\tthe\twindow\tat\tthe\tpassing\tlandscape: dry\t yellows\t and\t greens,\t the\t orange\t slant\t of\t a\t tiled\t roof,\t a\t window\t cut\t flat by\tthe\tsun\tand\tflashing. * The\t university\t scholarships\t were\t announced\t back\t in\t April.\t The\t Provost stood\ton\tthe\tsteps\tof\tthe\tExam\tHall\tand\tread\tout\ta\tlist\tof\tthe\tscholars.\tThe sky\twas\textremely\tblue\tthat\tday,\tdelirious,\tlike\tflavoured\tice.\tConnell\twas wearing\t his\t jacket\t and\t Helen\t had\t her\t arm\t wrapped\t around\t his.\t When\t it came\t to\t English\t they\t read\t out\t four\t names,\t alphabetically,\t and\t the\t last\t one was:\tConnell\tWaldron.\tHelen\tthrew\ther\tarms\taround\thim.\tThat\twas\tit,\tthey said\this\tname\tand\tmoved\ton.\tHe\twaited\tin\tthe\tsquare\tuntil\tthey\tannounced History\tand\tPolitics,\tand\twhen\the\theard\tMarianne\u2019s\tname\the\tlooked\taround to\t see\t her.\t He\t could\t hear\t a\t circle\t of\t her\t friends\t cheering,\t and\t some applause.\t He\t put\t his\t hands\t in\t his\t pockets.\t Hearing\t Marianne\u2019s\t name\t he realised\thow\treal\tit\twas,\the\treally\thad\twon\tthe\tscholarship,\tthey\tboth\thad. He\tdoesn\u2019t\tremember\tmuch\tof\twhat\thappened\tthen.\tHe\tremembers\tcalling Lorraine\t after\t the\t announcements\t and\t she\t was\t just\t quiet\t on\t the\t phone, shocked,\tand\tthen\tshe\tmurmured:\tOh\tmy\tgod,\tJesus\tChrist. Niall\tand\tElaine\tarrived\tbeside\thim,\tcheering\tand\tslapping\this\tback\tand calling\t him\t \u2018an\t absolute\t fucking\t nerd\u2019.\t Connell\t was\t laughing\t at\t nothing, just\t because\t so\t much\t excitement\t demanded\t some\t kind\t of\t outward expression\tand\the\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto\tcry.\tThat\tnight\tall\tthe\tnew\tscholars\thad\tto go\tto\ta\tformal\tblack-tie\tmeal\ttogether\tin\tthe\tDining\tHall.\tConnell\tborrowed a\ttux\tfrom\tsomeone\tin\this\tclass,\tit\tdidn\u2019t\tfit\tvery\twell,\tand\tat\tdinner\the\tfelt","awkward\t trying\t to\t make\t conversation\t with\t the\t English\t professor\t seated next\t to\t him.\t He\t wanted\t to\t be\t with\t Helen,\t and\t with\t his\t friends,\t not\t with these\tpeople\the\thad\tnever\tmet\tbefore\tand\twho\tknew\tnothing\tabout\thim. Everything\tis\tpossible\tnow\tbecause\tof\tthe\tscholarship.\tHis\trent\tis\tpaid, his\ttuition\tis\tcovered,\the\thas\ta\tfree\tmeal\tevery\tday\tin\tcollege.\tThis\tis\twhy he\u2019s\t been\t able\t to\t spend\t half\t the\t summer\t travelling\t around\t Europe, disseminating\t currency\t with\t the\t carefree\t attitude\t of\t a\t rich\t person.\t He\u2019s explained\t it,\t or\t tried\t to\t explain\t it,\t in\t his\t emails\t to\t Marianne.\t For\t her\t the scholarship\twas\ta\tself-esteem\tboost,\ta\thappy\tconfirmation\tof\twhat\tshe\thas always\tbelieved\tabout\therself\tanyway:\tthat\tshe\u2019s\tspecial.\tConnell\thas\tnever really\t known\t whether\t to\t believe\t that\t about\t himself,\t and\t he\t still\t doesn\u2019t know.\tFor\thim\tthe\tscholarship\tis\ta\tgigantic\tmaterial\tfact,\tlike\ta\tvast\tcruise ship\t that\t has\t sailed\t into\t view\t out\t of\t nowhere,\t and\t suddenly\t he\t can\t do\t a postgraduate\tprogramme\tfor\tfree\tif\the\twants\tto,\tand\tlive\tin\tDublin\tfor\tfree, and\tnever\tthink\tabout\trent\tagain\tuntil\the\tfinishes\tcollege.\tSuddenly\the\tcan spend\tan\tafternoon\tin\tVienna\tlooking\tat\tVermeer\u2019s\tThe\tArt\tof\tPainting,\tand it\u2019s\t hot\t outside,\t and\t if\t he\t wants\t he\t can\t buy\t himself\t a\t cheap\t cold\t glass\t of beer\t afterwards.\t It\u2019s\t like\t something\t he\t assumed\t was\t just\t a\t painted backdrop\tall\this\tlife\thas\trevealed\titself\tto\tbe\treal:\tforeign\tcities\tare\treal,\tand famous\t artworks,\t and\t underground\t railway\t systems,\t and\t remnants\t of\t the Berlin\tWall.\tThat\u2019s\tmoney,\tthe\tsubstance\tthat\tmakes\tthe\tworld\treal.\tThere\u2019s something\tso\tcorrupt\tand\tsexy\tabout\tit. * They\t get\t to\t Marianne\u2019s\t house\t at\t three,\t in\t baking\t afternoon\t heat.\t The undergrowth\toutside\tthe\tgate\thums\twith\tinsects\tand\ta\tginger\tcat\tis\tlying\ton the\tbonnet\tof\ta\tcar\tacross\tthe\tstreet.\tThrough\tthe\tgate\tConnell\tcan\tsee\tthe house,\t the\t same\t way\t it\t looks\t in\t the\t photographs\t she\u2019s\t sent\t him,\t a stonework\t facade\t and\t white-shuttered\t windows.\t He\t sees\t the\t garden\t table with\t two\t cups\t left\t on\t its\t surface.\t Elaine\t rings\t the\t bell\t and\t after\t a\t few seconds\t someone\t appears\t from\t around\t the\t side\t of\t the\t house.\t It\u2019s\t Peggy. Lately\tConnell\thas\tbecome\tconvinced\tthat\tPeggy\tdoesn\u2019t\tlike\thim,\tand\the finds\t himself\t watching\t her\t behaviour\t for\t evidence.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t like\t her either,\t and\t never\t has,\t but\t that\t doesn\u2019t\t strike\t him\t as\t relevant.\t She\t races towards\t the\t gate,\t her\t sandals\t clapping\t on\t the\t gravel.\t The\t heat\t beats\t down on\t the\t back\t of\t Connell\u2019s\t neck\t like\t the\t feeling\t of\t human\t eyes\t staring.\t She unlocks\t the\t gate\t and\t lets\t them\t in,\t grinning\t and\t saying\t ciao,\t ciao.\t She\u2019s wearing\t a\t short\t denim\t dress\t and\t huge\t black\t sunglasses.\t They\t all\t walk\t up the\t gravel\t towards\t the\t house,\t Niall\t carrying\t Elaine\u2019s\t backpack\t as\t well\t as his\town.\tPeggy\tfishes\ta\tset\tof\tkeys\tfrom\ther\tdress\tpocket\tand\tunlocks\tthe front\tdoor.","Inside\t the\t hall\t a\t stone\t archway\t leads\t down\t a\t short\t flight\t of\t steps.\t The kitchen\tis\ta\tlong\troom\twith\tterracotta\ttiles,\twhite\tcupboards\tand\ta\ttable\tby the\t garden\t doors,\t flooded\t with\t sunlight.\t Marianne\t is\t standing\t outside,\t in the\tback\tgarden\tamong\tthe\tcherry\ttrees,\twith\ta\tlaundry\tbasket\tin\ther\tarms. She\u2019s\t wearing\t a\t white\t dress\t with\t a\t halter-neck\t and\t her\t skin\t looks\t tanned. She\u2019s\tbeen\thanging\twashing\ton\tthe\tline.\tThe\tair\toutside\tis\tvery\tstill\tand\tthe laundry\thangs\tthere\tin\tdamp\tcolours,\tnot\tmoving.\tMarianne\tputs\ther\thand to\tthe\tdoor\thandle\tand\tthen\tsees\tthem\tinside.\tThis\tall\tseems\tto\thappen\tvery slowly,\tthough\tit\tonly\ttakes\ta\tfew\tseconds.\tShe\topens\tthe\tdoor\tand\tputs\tthe basket\ton\tthe\ttable,\tand\the\tfeels\ta\tsort\tof\tenjoyably\tpainful\tsensation\tin\this throat.\tHer\tdress\tlooks\timmaculate\tand\the\u2019s\tconscious\tof\thow\tunwashed\the must\t appear,\t not\t having\t showered\t since\t they\t left\t the\t hostel\t yesterday morning,\tand\tthat\this\tclothes\taren\u2019t\treally\tclean. Hello,\tsays\tElaine. Marianne\t smiles\t and\t says\t ciao,\t as\t if\t she\u2019s\t making\t fun\t of\t herself,\t and she\tkisses\tElaine\u2019s\tcheeks\tand\tthen\tNiall\u2019s\tand\tasks\tabout\ttheir\tjourney\tand Connell\t stands\t there,\t overwhelmed\t by\t this\t feeling,\t which\t might\t only\t be total\t exhaustion,\t an\t exhaustion\t that\t has\t been\t accumulating\t for\t weeks.\t He can\tsmell\tthe\tscent\tof\tlaundry.\tUp\tclose\the\tsees\tMarianne\u2019s\tarms\tare\tlightly freckled,\ther\tshoulders\ta\tbright\trose\tcolour.\tPresently\tshe\tturns\tto\thim\tand they\t exchange\t kisses\t on\t each\t cheek.\t Looking\t in\t his\t eyes\t she\t says:\t Well, hello.\tHe\tsenses\ta\tcertain\treceptivity\tin\ther\texpression,\tlike\tshe\u2019s\tgathering information\t about\t his\t feelings,\t something\t they\t have\t learned\t to\t do\t to\t each other\t over\t a\t long\t time,\t like\t speaking\t a\t private\t language.\t He\t can\t feel\t his face\tget\twarm\tas\tshe\tlooks\tat\thim\tbut\the\tdoesn\u2019t\twant\tto\tlook\taway.\tHe\tcan gather\t information\t from\t her\t face\t too.\t He\t gathers\t that\t she\t has\t things\t she wants\tto\ttell\thim. Hi,\the\tsays. Marianne\t has\t accepted\t an\t offer\t to\t spend\t her\t third\t year\t of\t college\t in Sweden.\t She\u2019ll\t be\t leaving\t in\t September\t and,\t depending\t on\t their\t plans\t for Christmas,\t Connell\t may\t not\t see\t her\t again\t until\t next\t June.\t People\t are always\ttelling\thim\the\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tmiss\ther,\tbut\tuntil\tnow\the\u2019s\tbeen\tlooking forward\t to\t how\t long\t and\t intense\t their\t email\t correspondence\t will\t be\t while she\u2019s\taway.\tNow\the\tlooks\tinto\ther\tcold\tinterpretive\teyes\tand\tthinks:\tOkay, I\t will\t miss\t her.\t He\t feels\t ambivalent\t about\t this,\t as\t if\t it\u2019s\t disloyal\t of\t him, because\tmaybe\the\u2019s\tenjoying\thow\tshe\tlooks\tor\tsome\tphysical\taspect\tof\ther closeness.\tHe\u2019s\tnot\tsure\twhat\tfriends\tare\tallowed\tto\tenjoy\tabout\teach\tother. In\ta\tseries\tof\temails\tthey\texchanged\trecently\tabout\ttheir\town\tfriendship, Marianne\t expressed\t her\t feelings\t about\t Connell\t mainly\t in\t terms\t of\t her sustained\t interest\t in\t his\t opinions\t and\t beliefs,\t the\t curiosity\t she\t feels\t about","his\t life,\t and\t her\t instinct\t to\t survey\t his\t thoughts\t whenever\t she\t feels conflicted\t about\t anything.\t He\t expressed\t himself\t more\t in\t terms\t of identification,\this\tsense\tof\trooting\tfor\ther\tand\tsuffering\twith\ther\twhen\tshe suffers,\t his\t ability\t to\t perceive\t and\t sympathise\t with\t her\t motivations. Marianne\tthought\tthis\thad\tsomething\tto\tdo\twith\tgender\troles.\tI\tthink\tI\tjust like\t you\t a\t lot\t as\t a\t person,\t he\t replied\t defensively.\t That\u2019s\t actually\t very sweet,\tshe\twrote\tback. Jamie\tcomes\tdown\tthe\tsteps\tbehind\tthem\tnow\tand\tthey\tall\tturn\taround to\t greet\t him.\t Connell\t makes\t a\t half-nodding\t gesture,\t just\t barely\t inclining his\t chin\t upwards.\t Jamie\t gives\t him\t a\t mocking\t smile\t and\t says:\t You\u2019re looking\t rough,\t mate.\t Jamie\t has\t been\t a\t continual\t object\t of\t loathing\t and derision\t for\t Connell\t since\t he\t became\t Marianne\u2019s\t boyfriend.\t For\t several months\t after\t he\t first\t saw\t them\t together\t Connell\t had\t compulsive\t fantasies about\t kicking\t Jamie\t in\t the\t head\t until\t his\t skull\t was\t the\t texture\t of\t wet newspaper.\tOnce,\tafter\tspeaking\tto\tJamie\tbriefly\tat\ta\tparty,\tConnell\tleft\tthe building\tand\tpunched\ta\tbrick\twall\tso\thard\this\thand\tstarted\tbleeding.\tJamie is\tsomehow\tboth\tboring\tand\thostile\tat\tthe\tsame\ttime,\talways\tyawning\tand rolling\t his\t eyes\t when\t other\t people\t are\t speaking.\t And\t yet\t he\t is\t the\t most effortlessly\tconfident\tperson\tConnell\thas\tever\tmet.\tNothing\tfazes\thim.\tHe doesn\u2019t\tseem\tcapable\tof\tinternal\tconflict.\tConnell\tcan\timagine\thim\tchoking Marianne\t with\t his\t bare\t hands\t and\t feeling\t completely\t relaxed\t about\t it, which\taccording\tto\ther\the\tin\tfact\tdoes. Marianne\tputs\ton\ta\tpot\tof\tcoffee\twhile\tPeggy\tcuts\tbread\tinto\tslices\tand arranges\t olives\t and\t Parma\t ham\t onto\t plates.\t Elaine\t is\t telling\t them\t about Niall\u2019s\tantics\tand\tMarianne\tis\tlaughing\tin\ta\tgenerous\tway,\tnot\tbecause\tthe stories\tare\tso\tfunny\tbut\tto\tmake\tElaine\tfeel\twelcome.\tPeggy\tpasses\tplates around\tthe\ttable\tand\tMarianne\ttouches\tConnell\u2019s\tshoulder\tand\thands\thim\ta cup\t of\t coffee.\t Because\t of\t the\t white\t dress\t and\t because\t of\t the\t small\t white china\tcup,\the\twants\tto\tsay:\tYou\tlook\tlike\tan\tangel.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\teven\tsomething Helen\twould\tmind\thim\tsaying,\tbut\the\tcan\u2019t\ttalk\tlike\tthat\tin\tfront\tof\tpeople anyway,\tsaying\twhimsical\taffectionate\tthings.\tHe\tdrinks\tthe\tcoffee,\the\teats some\t bread.\t The\t coffee\t is\t very\t hot\t and\t bitter\t and\t the\t bread\t is\t soft\t and fresh.\tHe\tstarts\tto\tfeel\ttired. After\tlunch\the\tgoes\tupstairs\tto\tshower.\tThere\tare\tfour\tbedrooms,\tso\the has\t one\t to\t himself,\t with\t a\t huge\t sash\t window\t over\t the\t garden.\t After\t his shower\the\tdresses\tin\tthe\tonly\tpresentable\tclothes\the\thas\tleft:\ta\tplain\twhite T-shirt\tand\tthe\tblue\tjeans\the\thas\thad\tsince\the\twas\tin\tschool.\tHis\thair\tis\twet. He\tfeels\tclearheaded,\tan\teffect\tof\tthe\tcoffee,\tand\tthe\thigh\twater\tpressure\tin the\tshower,\tand\tthe\tcool\tcotton\ton\this\tskin.\tHe\thangs\tthe\tdamp\ttowel\tover his\tshoulders\tand\topens\tthe\twindow.\tCherries\thang\ton\tthe\tdark-green\ttrees","like\tearrings.\tHe\tthinks\tabout\tthis\tphrase\tonce\tor\ttwice.\tHe\twould\tput\tit\tin an\temail\tto\tMarianne,\tbut\the\tcan\u2019t\temail\ther\twhen\tshe\u2019s\tdownstairs.\tHelen wears\tearrings,\tusually\ta\tpair\tof\ttiny\tgold\thoops.\tHe\tlets\thimself\tfantasise about\ther\tbriefly\tbecause\the\tcan\thear\tthe\tothers\tare\tdownstairs\tanyway.\tHe thinks\tabout\ther\tlying\ton\ther\tback.\tHe\tshould\thave\tthought\tabout\tit\tin\tthe shower,\tbut\the\twas\ttired.\tHe\tneeds\tthe\tWiFi\tcode\tfor\tthis\thouse. * Like\tConnell,\tHelen\twas\tpopular\tin\tschool.\tShe\tstill\tgoes\tto\tlengths\tto\tkeep in\t touch\t with\t old\t friends\t and\t extended\t family,\t remembering\t birthdays, posting\t nostalgic\t photographs\t on\t Facebook.\t She\t always\t RSVPs\t to\t parties and\tarrives\ton\ttime,\tshe\u2019s\talways\ttaking\tgroup\tphotographs\tagain\tand\tagain until\t there\u2019s\t one\t everybody\t is\t happy\t with.\t In\t other\t words\t she\u2019s\t a\t nice person,\t and\t Connell\t is\t beginning\t to\t understand\t that\t he\t actually\t likes\t nice people,\tthat\the\teven\twants\tto\tbe\tone.\tShe\u2019s\thad\tone\tserious\tboyfriend\tin\tthe past,\ta\tguy\tcalled\tRory,\twho\tshe\tbroke\tup\twith\tin\tfirst\tyear\tof\tcollege.\tHe\u2019s in\t UCD\t so\t Connell\t has\t never\t bumped\t into\t him,\t but\t he\t has\t looked\t at\t his photographs\t on\t Facebook.\t He\u2019s\t not\t unlike\t Connell\t in\t build\t and complexion,\t but\t somehow\t gawky-looking\t and\t unfashionable.\t Connell admitted\tto\tHelen\tonce\tthat\the\u2019d\tlooked\thim\tup\tonline,\tand\tshe\tasked\twhat he\u2019d\tmade\tof\thim. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tsaid\tConnell.\tHe\tseems\tkind\tof\tuncool,\tdoesn\u2019t\the? She\tthought\tthat\twas\thilarious.\tThey\twere\tlying\tin\tbed,\tConnell\thad\this arm\taround\ther. Is\tthat\tyour\ttype,\tyou\tlike\tuncool\tguys?\the\tsaid. You\ttell\tme. Why,\tam\tI\tuncool? I\tthink\tso,\tshe\tsaid.\tI\tmean\tthat\tin\ta\tnice\tway,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tlike\tcool\tpeople. He\tsat\tup\tslightly\tto\tlook\tdown\tat\ther. Am\tI\treally?\the\tsaid.\tI\u2019m\tnot\toffended\tbut\thonestly,\tI\tthought\tI\twas\tkind of\tcool. You\u2019re\tsuch\ta\tculchie,\tthough. Am\tI?\tIn\twhat\tway\tam\tI? You\thave\tthe\tthickest\tSligo\taccent,\tshe\tsaid. I\tdo\tnot.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tbelieve\tthat.\tNo\tone\u2019s\tever\tsaid\tthat\tto\tme\tbefore.\tDo\tI really?","She\t was\t still\t laughing.\t He\t stroked\t his\t hand\t over\t her\t belly,\t grinning\t to himself\tbecause\the\twas\tmaking\ther\tlaugh. I\t can\t hardly\t understand\t you\t half\t the\t time,\t she\t said.\t Thankfully\t you\u2019re the\tstrong\tand\tsilent\ttype. He\thad\tto\tlaugh\tthen\ttoo.\tHelen,\tthat\tis\tbrutal,\the\tsaid. She\ttucked\ta\thand\tbehind\ther\thead.\tDo\tyou\thonestly\tthink\tyou\u2019re\tcool? she\tsaid. Well,\tnot\tanymore. She\tsmiled\tto\therself.\tGood,\tshe\tsaid.\tIt\u2019s\tgood\tthat\tyou\u2019re\tnot. Helen\t and\t Marianne\t first\t met\t back\t in\t February,\t on\t Dawson\t Street.\t He and\t Helen\t were\t walking\t along\t holding\t hands\t when\t he\t saw\t Marianne coming\t out\t of\t Hodges\t Figgis\t wearing\t a\t black\t beret.\t Oh,\t hi,\t he\t said\t in\t an agonised\tvoice.\tHe\tthought\tof\tdropping\tHelen\u2019s\thand\tbut\the\tcouldn\u2019t\tbring himself\t to\t do\t it.\t Hi,\t Marianne\t said.\t You\t must\t be\t Helen.\t The\t two\t women then\t made\t perfectly\t competent\t and\t genial\t conversation\t while\t he\t stood there\t panicking\t and\t staring\t at\t various\t objects\t in\t the\t surrounding environment. Afterwards\t Helen\t asked\t him:\t So\t you\t and\t Marianne,\t were\t you\t always just\t friends,\t or\t \u2026?\t They\t were\t in\t his\t room\t then,\t off\t Pearse\t Street.\t Buses went\tby\toutside\tand\tthrew\ta\tcolumn\tof\tyellow\tlight\ton\tthe\tbedroom\tdoor. Yeah,\tmore\tor\tless,\the\tsaid.\tLike,\twe\twere\tnever\ttogether\tas\tsuch. But\tyou\u2019ve\tslept\ttogether. Yeah,\tkind\tof.\tNo,\tyeah,\tto\tbe\tfair,\twe\thave.\tIs\tthat\ta\tbig\tdeal? No,\t I\u2019m\t just\t curious,\t said\t Helen.\t It\t was\t like\t a\t friends-with-benefits thing? Basically.\t In\t final\t year\t of\t school,\t and\t for\t a\t while\t last\t year.\t It\t wasn\u2019t serious\tor\tanything. Helen\t smiled\t at\t him.\t He\t was\t raking\t his\t bottom\t lip\t with\t his\t teeth, something\the\tremembered\tto\tstop\tdoing\tonly\tafter\tshe\u2019d\talready\tseen\thim. She\t looks\t like\t she\t goes\t to\t art\t college,\t said\t Helen.\t I\t guess\t you\t think she\u2019s\treally\tchic. He\t gave\t a\t little\t laugh,\t looked\t at\t the\t floor.\t It\u2019s\t not\t like\t that,\t he\t said. We\u2019ve\tknown\teach\tother\tsince\twe\twere\tkids. It\tdoesn\u2019t\thave\tto\tbe\tweird\tthat\tshe\u2019s\tyour\tex,\tHelen\tsaid.","She\u2019s\tnot\tmy\tex.\tWe\u2019re\tjust\tfriends. But\tbefore\tyou\twere\tfriends,\tyou\twere\t\u2026 Well,\tshe\twasn\u2019t\tmy\tgirlfriend,\the\tsaid. But\tyou\thad\tsex\twith\ther,\tthough. He\tcovered\this\tentire\tface\tin\this\thands.\tHelen\tlaughed. After\t that,\t Helen\t was\t determined\t to\t make\t friends\t with\t Marianne,\t as\t if to\tprove\ta\tpoint.\tWhen\tthey\tsaw\ther\tat\tparties\tHelen\twent\tout\tof\ther\tway\tto compliment\t her\t hair\t and\t clothing,\t and\t Marianne\t would\t nod\t vaguely\t and then\t continue\t expressing\t some\t in-depth\t opinion\t about\t the\t Magdalene Laundry\t report\t or\t the\t Denis\t O\u2019Brien\t case.\t Objectively\t Connell\t did\t find Marianne\u2019s\t opinions\t interesting,\t but\t he\t could\t see\t how\t her\t fondness\t for expressing\tthem\tat\tlength,\tto\tthe\texclusion\tof\tlighter\tconversation,\twas\tnot universally\t charming.\t One\t evening,\t after\t an\t overly\t long\t discussion\t about Israel,\tHelen\tbecame\tirritable,\tand\ton\tthe\twalk\thome\tshe\ttold\tConnell\tthat she\tfound\tMarianne\t\u2018self-absorbed\u2019. Because\tshe\ttalks\tabout\tpolitics\ttoo\tmuch?\tsaid\tConnell.\tI\twouldn\u2019t\tcall that\tself-absorbed,\tthough. Helen\t shrugged,\t but\t drew\t a\t breath\t inwards\t through\t her\t nose\t that indicated\tshe\tdidn\u2019t\tlike\this\tinterpretation\tof\ther\tpoint. She\twas\tthe\tsame\tway\tin\tschool,\the\tadded.\tBut\tshe\u2019s\tnot\tputting\tit\ton, she\u2019s\tgenuinely\tinterested\tin\tthat\tstuff. She\treally\tcares\tabout\tIsraeli\tpeace\ttalks? Surprised,\tConnell\treplied\tsimply:\tYeah.\tAfter\ta\tfew\tseconds\tof\twalking along\t in\t silence\t he\t added:\t As\t do\t I,\t to\t be\t honest.\t It\t is\t fairly\t important. Helen\t sighed\t aloud.\t He\t was\t surprised\t that\t she\t would\t sigh\t in\t that\t petulant way,\tand\twondered\thow\tmuch\tshe\thad\thad\tto\tdrink.\tHer\tarms\twere\tfolded up\tat\ther\tchest.\tNot\tbeing\tpreachy,\the\twent\ton.\tObviously\twe\u2019re\tnot\tgoing to\t save\t the\t Middle\t East\t by\t talking\t about\t it\t at\t a\t house\t party.\t I\t think Marianne\tjust\tthinks\tabout\tthat\tstuff\ta\tlot. You\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tmaybe\tshe\tdoes\tit\tfor\tthe\tattention?\tsaid\tHelen. He\t frowned\t in\t a\t conscious\t effort\t to\t look\t thoughtful.\t Marianne\t was\t so totally\t uninterested\t in\t what\t people\t thought\t of\t her,\t so\t extremely\t secure\t in her\town\tself-perception,\tthat\tit\twas\thard\tto\timagine\ther\tcaring\tfor\tattention one\tway\tor\tanother.\tShe\tdid\tnot\taltogether,\tas\tfar\tas\tConnell\tknew,\tactually like\t herself,\t but\t praise\t from\t other\t people\t seemed\t as\t irrelevant\t to\t her\t as disapproval\thad\tbeen\tin\tschool.","Honestly?\the\tsaid.\tNot\treally. She\tseems\tto\tlike\tyour\tattention\twell\tenough. Connell\t swallowed.\t He\t only\t then\t understood\t why\t Helen\t was\t so annoyed,\t and\t not\t trying\t to\t veil\t her\t annoyance.\t He\t didn\u2019t\t think\t Marianne had\tbeen\tpaying\thim\tany\tspecial\tnotice,\tthough\tshe\tdid\talways\tlisten\twhen he\t spoke,\t a\t courtesy\t she\t occasionally\t failed\t to\t pay\t others.\t He\t turned\t his head\tto\tlook\tat\ta\tpassing\tcar. I\tdidn\u2019t\tnotice\tthat,\the\tsaid\teventually. To\t his\t relief,\t Helen\t dropped\t this\t specific\t theme\t and\t settled\t back\t into\t a more\tgeneral\tcritique\tof\tMarianne\u2019s\tbehaviour. Every\t time\t we\t see\t her\t at\t a\t party\t she\u2019s\t always\t flirting\t with\t like\t ten different\tguys,\tsaid\tHelen.\tTalk\tabout\tcraving\tmale\tapproval. Pleased\tthat\the\twas\tno\tlonger\timplicated\tin\tthe\tcensure,\tConnell\tsmiled and\tsaid:\tYeah.\tShe\twasn\u2019t\tlike\tthat\tin\tschool\tat\tall. You\tmean\tshe\tdidn\u2019t\tact\tso\tslutty?\tsaid\tHelen. Feeling\t suddenly\t cornered,\t and\t regretting\t that\t he\t had\t let\t his\t guard down,\tConnell\tagain\tfell\tsilent.\tHe\tknew\tthat\tHelen\twas\ta\tnice\tperson,\tbut he\t forgot\t sometimes\t how\t old-fashioned\t her\t values\t were.\t After\t a\t time\t he said\tuncomfortably:\tHere,\tshe\u2019s\tmy\tfriend,\talright?\tDon\u2019t\tbe\ttalking\tabout her\tlike\tthat.\tHelen\tdidn\u2019t\trespond,\tbut\thiked\ther\tfolded\tarms\tfurther\tup\ther chest.\t It\t was\t the\t wrong\t thing\t to\t say\t anyway.\t Later\t he\t would\t wonder\t if\t he was\t really\t defending\t Marianne\t or\t just\t defending\t himself\t from\t an\t implied accusation\t about\t his\t own\t sexuality,\t that\t he\t was\t tainted\t somehow,\t that\t he had\tunacceptable\tdesires. By\t now\t the\t unspoken\t consensus\t is\t that\t Helen\t and\t Marianne\t don\u2019t\t like each\tother\tvery\tmuch.\tThey\u2019re\tdifferent\tpeople.\tConnell\tthinks\tthe\taspects of\t himself\t that\t are\t most\t compatible\t with\t Helen\t are\t his\t best\t aspects:\t his loyalty,\this\tbasically\tpractical\toutlook,\this\tdesire\tto\tbe\tthought\tof\tas\ta\tgood guy.\t With\t Helen\t he\t doesn\u2019t\t feel\t shameful\t things,\t he\t doesn\u2019t\t find\t himself saying\tweird\tstuff\tduring\tsex,\the\tdoesn\u2019t\thave\tthat\tpersistent\tsensation\tthat he\t belongs\t nowhere,\t that\t he\t never\t will\t belong\t anywhere.\t Marianne\t had\t a wildness\t that\t got\t into\t him\t for\t a\t while\t and\t made\t him\t feel\t that\t he\t was\t like her,\tthat\tthey\thad\tthe\tsame\tunnameable\tspiritual\tinjury,\tand\tthat\tneither\tof them\tcould\tever\tfit\tinto\tthe\tworld.\tBut\the\twas\tnever\tdamaged\tlike\tshe\twas. She\tjust\tmade\thim\tfeel\tthat\tway. One\t night\t he\t was\t waiting\t for\t Helen\t in\t college,\t just\t outside\t the Graduates\t Memorial\t Building.\t She\t was\t coming\t from\t the\t gym\t at\t the\t other","end\tof\tcampus\tand\tthey\twere\tgoing\tto\tget\tthe\tbus\tto\ther\thouse\ttogether.\tHe was\t standing\t on\t the\t steps\t looking\t at\t his\t phone\t when\t the\t door\t behind\t him opened\t and\t a\t group\t of\t people\t came\t out\t in\t formal\t dresses\t and\t suits,\t all laughing\t and\t talking\t together.\t The\t light\t in\t the\t hallway\t behind\t them\t cast them\t into\t silhouette,\t so\t it\t took\t him\t a\t second\t to\t recognise\t Marianne.\t She was\twearing\ta\tlong\tdark-coloured\tdress\tand\thad\ther\thair\tpiled\tup\thigh\ton her\t head,\t making\t her\t neck\t look\t slender\t and\t exposed.\t She\t caught\t his\t eye with\ta\tfamiliar\texpression.\tHello,\tshe\tsaid.\tHe\tdidn\u2019t\tknow\tthe\tpeople\tshe was\twith;\the\tguessed\tthey\twere\tfrom\tthe\tdebating\tsociety\tor\tsomething.\tHi, he\tsaid.\tHow\tcould\this\tfeeling\tfor\ther\tever\tbe\tanything\tlike\this\tfeeling\tfor other\t people?\t But\t part\t of\t the\t feeling\t was\t knowing\t the\t terrible\t hold\t he\u2019d had\tover\ther,\tand\tstill\thad,\tand\tcould\tnot\tforesee\tever\tlosing. Helen\tarrived\tthen.\tHe\tonly\tnoticed\ther\twhen\tshe\tcalled\tout\tto\thim.\tShe was\twearing\ther\tleggings\tand\ttrainers,\tgym\tbag\tslung\tover\tone\tshoulder,\ta damp\t sheen\t on\t her\t forehead\t visible\t under\t the\t street\t light.\t He\t felt\t a\t vast rush\tof\tlove\tfor\ther,\tlove\tand\tcompassion,\talmost\tsympathy.\tHe\tknew\tthat he\t belonged\t with\t her.\t What\t they\t had\t together\t was\t normal,\t a\t good relationship.\tThe\tlife\tthey\twere\tliving\twas\tthe\tright\tlife.\tHe\ttook\tthe\tbag\toff her\tshoulder\tand\tlifted\ta\thand\tto\twave\tMarianne\tgoodbye.\tShe\tdidn\u2019t\twave back,\tshe\tjust\tnodded.\tHave\tfun!\tHelen\tsaid.\tThen\tthey\twent\tto\tget\tthe\tbus. He\t was\t sad\t for\t Marianne\t after\t that,\t sad\t that\t nothing\t in\t her\t life\t had\t ever truly\tseemed\thealthy,\tand\tsad\tthat\the\u2019d\thad\tto\tturn\taway\tfrom\ther.\tHe\tknew that\tit\thad\tcaused\ther\tpain.\tIn\ta\tway\the\twas\teven\tsad\tfor\thimself.\tSitting\ton the\t bus\t he\t continued\t to\t picture\t her\t standing\t in\t the\t doorway\t with\t the\t light behind\t her:\t how\t exquisite\t she\t looked,\t and\t what\t a\t glamorous,\t formidable person\t she\t was,\t and\t that\t subtle\t expression\t that\t came\t over\t her\t face\t when she\t looked\t at\t him.\t But\t he\t couldn\u2019t\t be\t what\t she\t wanted.\t After\t a\t time\t he realised\t Helen\t was\t speaking,\t and\t he\t stopped\t thinking\t about\t all\t that\t and started\tlistening. * For\t dinner\t Peggy\t cooks\t pasta\t and\t they\t eat\t at\t the\t round\t garden\t table.\t The sky\t is\t a\t thrilling\t chlorine-blue,\t stretched\t taut\t and\t featureless\t like\t silk. Marianne\t brings\t a\t cold\t bottle\t of\t sparkling\t wine\t out\t from\t the\t house,\t with condensation\trunning\tdown\tthe\tglass\tlike\tsweat,\tand\tasks\tNiall\tto\topen\tit. Connell\tfinds\tthis\tdecision\tjudicious.\tMarianne\tis\tvery\tsmooth\tand\tsociable on\t these\t occasions,\t like\t a\t diplomat\u2019s\t wife.\t Connell\t is\t seated\t between\t her and\t Peggy.\t The\t cork\t sails\t over\t the\t garden\t wall\t and\t lands\t somewhere\t no one\t can\t see\t it.\t A\t crest\t of\t white\t spills\t over\t the\t lip\t of\t the\t bottle\t and\t Niall pours\t the\t wine\t into\t Elaine\u2019s\t glass.\t The\t glasses\t are\t broad\t and\t shallow\t like saucers.\tJamie\tturns\this\tempty\tone\tupside\tdown\tand\tsays:\tDo\twe\tnot\thave","proper\tchampagne\tglasses? These\tare\tchampagne\tglasses,\tsays\tPeggy. No,\tI\tmean\tthe\ttall\tones,\tJamie\tsays. You\u2019re\tthinking\tof\tflutes,\tsays\tPeggy.\tThese\tare\tcoupes. Helen\twould\tlaugh\tat\tthis\tconversation,\tand\tthinking\tof\thow\tmuch\tshe would\t laugh,\t Connell\t smiles.\t Marianne\t says:\t It\u2019s\t not\t a\t matter\t of\t life\t and death,\tis\tit?\tPeggy\tfills\ther\tglass\tand\tpasses\tthe\tbottle\tto\tConnell. I\u2019m\tjust\tsaying,\tthese\taren\u2019t\tfor\tchampagne,\tsays\tJamie. You\u2019re\tsuch\ta\tphilistine,\tPeggy\tsays. I\u2019m\ta\tphilistine?\the\tsays.\tWe\u2019re\tdrinking\tchampagne\tout\tof\tgravy\tboats. Niall\t and\t Elaine\t start\t laughing,\t and\t Jamie\t smiles\t under\t the\t mistaken impression\t that\t they\t are\t laughing\t at\t his\t witticism.\t Marianne\t touches\t a fingertip\tto\ther\teyelid\tlightly,\tas\tif\tremoving\ta\tpiece\tof\tdust\tor\tgrit.\tConnell hands\ther\tthe\tbottle\tand\tshe\taccepts\tit. It\u2019s\t an\t old\t style\t of\t champagne\t glass,\t says\t Marianne.\t They\t belonged\t to my\tdad.\tGo\tinside\tand\tget\tyourself\ta\tflute\tif\tyou\tprefer,\tthey\u2019re\tin\tthe\tpress over\tthe\tsink. Jamie\t makes\t wide\t ironic\t eyes\t and\t says:\t I\t didn\u2019t\t realise\t it\t was\t such\t an emotional\tissue\tfor\tyou.\tMarianne\tputs\tthe\tbottle\tin\tthe\tcentre\tof\tthe\ttable and\t says\t nothing.\t Connell\t has\t never\t heard\t Marianne\t mention\t her\t father like\t that\t in\t casual\t conversation.\t Nobody\t else\t at\t the\t table\t seems\t aware\t of this;\tElaine\tmay\tnot\teven\tknow\tMarianne\u2019s\tfather\tis\tdead.\tConnell\ttries\tto catch\tMarianne\u2019s\teye,\tbut\the\tcan\u2019t. The\tpasta\tis\tdelicious,\tsays\tElaine. Oh,\tsays\tPeggy.\tIt\u2019s\tvery\tal\tdente,\tisn\u2019t\tit?\tMaybe\ttoo\tal\tdente. I\tthink\tit\u2019s\tnice,\tMarianne\tsays. Connell\t takes\t a\t mouthful\t of\t wine,\t which\t foams\t cold\t in\t his\t mouth\t and then\t disappears\t like\t air.\t Jamie\t starts\t telling\t an\t anecdote\t about\t one\t of\t his friends,\twho\tis\ton\ta\tsummer\tinternship\tat\tGoldman\tSachs.\tConnell\tfinishes his\t wine\t and\t unobtrusively\t Marianne\t refills\t his\t glass.\t Thanks,\t he\t says quietly.\t Her\t hand\t hovers\t for\t a\t second\t as\t if\t she\u2019s\t going\t to\t touch\t him,\t and then\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t.\tShe\tsays\tnothing. * The\tmorning\tafter\tthe\tscholarships\twere\tannounced,\the\tand\tMarianne\twent to\tthe\tswearing-in\tceremony\ttogether.\tShe\u2019d\tbeen\tout\tthe\tnight\tbefore\tand","looked\thungover,\twhich\tpleased\thim,\tbecause\tthe\tceremony\twas\tso\tformal and\t they\t had\t to\t wear\t gowns\t and\t recite\t things\t in\t Latin.\t Afterwards\t they went\t for\t breakfast\t together\t in\t a\t cafe\t near\t college.\t They\t sat\t outside,\t at\t a table\ton\tthe\tstreet,\tand\tpeople\twalked\tby\tcarrying\tpaper\tshopping\tbags\tand having\t loud\t conversations\t on\t the\t phone.\t Marianne\t drank\t a\t single\t cup\t of black\tcoffee\tand\tordered\ta\tcroissant\twhich\tshe\tdidn\u2019t\tfinish.\tConnell\thad\ta large\t ham-and-cheese\t omelette\t with\t two\t slices\t of\t buttered\t toast,\t and\t tea with\tmilk\tin\tit. Marianne\t said\t she\t was\t worried\t about\t Peggy,\t who\t was\t the\t only\t one\t of the\t three\t of\t them\t not\t to\t get\t the\t scholarship.\t She\t said\t it\t would\t be\t hard\t on her.\tConnell\tinhaled\tand\tsaid\tnothing.\tPeggy\tdidn\u2019t\tneed\tsubsidised\ttuition or\tfree\ton-campus\taccommodation,\tbecause\tshe\tlived\tat\thome\tin\tBlackrock and\t her\t parents\t were\t both\t doctors,\t but\t Marianne\t was\t intent\t on\t seeing\t the scholarships\tas\ta\tmatter\tof\tpersonal\tfeeling\trather\tthan\teconomic\tfact. Anyway,\tI\u2019m\thappy\tfor\tyou,\tMarianne\tsaid. I\u2019m\thappy\tfor\tyou\ttoo. But\tyou\tdeserve\tit\tmore. He\tlooked\tup\tat\ther.\tHe\twiped\this\tmouth\twith\tthe\tnapkin.\tYou\tmean\tin terms\tof\tthe\tfinancial\tstuff?\the\tsaid. Oh,\tshe\treplied.\tWell,\tI\tmeant\tthat\tyou\u2019re\ta\tbetter\tstudent. She\tlooked\tdown\tcritically\tat\ther\tcroissant.\tHe\twatched\ther. Though\t in\t terms\t of\t financial\t circumstances\t too,\t obviously,\t she\t said.\t I mean,\tit\u2019s\tkind\tof\tridiculous\tthey\tdon\u2019t\tmeans-test\tthese\tthings. I\tguess\twe\u2019re\tfrom\tvery\tdifferent\tbackgrounds,\tclass-wise. I\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tabout\tit\tmuch,\tshe\tsaid.\tQuickly\tshe\tadded:\tSorry,\tthat\u2019s\tan ignorant\tthing\tto\tsay.\tMaybe\tI\tshould\tthink\tabout\tit\tmore. You\tdon\u2019t\tconsider\tme\tyour\tworking-class\tfriend? She\tgave\ta\tsmile\tthat\twas\tmore\tlike\ta\tgrimace\tand\tsaid:\tI\u2019m\tconscious of\t the\t fact\t that\t we\t got\t to\t know\t each\t other\t because\t your\t mother\t works\t for my\t family.\t I\t also\t don\u2019t\t think\t my\t mother\t is\t a\t good\t employer,\t I\t don\u2019t\t think she\tpays\tLorraine\tvery\twell. No,\tshe\tpays\ther\tfuck\tall. He\tcut\ta\tthin\tslice\tof\tomelette\twith\this\tknife.\tThe\tegg\twas\tmore\trubbery than\the\twould\thave\tliked. I\u2019m\tsurprised\tthis\thasn\u2019t\tcome\tup\tbefore,\tshe\tsaid.\tI\tthink\tit\u2019s\ttotally\tfair","if\tyou\tresent\tme. No,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tresent\tyou.\tWhy\twould\tI? He\t put\t his\t knife\t and\t fork\t down\t and\t looked\t at\t her.\t She\t had\t an\t anxious little\texpression\ton\ther\tface. I\tjust\tfeel\tweird\tabout\tall\tthis,\the\tsaid.\tI\tfeel\tweird\twearing\tblack\ttie\tand saying\t things\t in\t Latin.\t You\t know\t at\t the\t dinner\t last\t night,\t those\t people serving\tus,\tthey\twere\tstudents.\tThey\u2019re\tworking\tto\tput\tthemselves\tthrough college\twhile\twe\tsit\tthere\teating\tthe\tfree\tfood\tthey\tput\tin\tfront\tof\tus.\tIs\tthat not\thorrible? Of\t course\t it\t is.\t The\t whole\t idea\t of\t \u2018meritocracy\u2019\t or\t whatever,\t it\u2019s\t evil, you\t know\t I\t think\t that.\t But\t what\t are\t we\t supposed\t to\t do,\t give\t back\t the scholarship\tmoney?\tI\tdon\u2019t\tsee\twhat\tthat\tachieves. Well,\tit\u2019s\talways\teasy\tto\tthink\tof\treasons\tnot\tto\tdo\tsomething. You\t know\t you\u2019re\t not\t going\t to\t do\t it\t either,\t so\t don\u2019t\t guilttrip\t me,\t she said. They\t continued\t eating\t then,\t as\t if\t they\t were\t acting\t out\t an\t argument\t in which\t both\t sides\t were\t equally\t compelling,\t and\t they\t had\t chosen\t their positions\tmore\tor\tless\tat\trandom,\tonly\tin\torder\tto\thave\tthe\tdiscussion\tout. A\t large\t seagull\t landed\t at\t the\t base\t of\t a\t nearby\t street\t light,\t its\t plumage magnificently\tclean\tand\tsoft-looking. You\t need\t to\t get\t it\t straight\t in\t your\t mind\t what\t you\t think\t a\t good\t society would\tlook\tlike,\tsaid\tMarianne.\tAnd\tif\tyou\tthink\tpeople\tshould\tbe\table\tto go\t to\t college\t and\t get\t English\t degrees,\t you\t shouldn\u2019t\t feel\t guilty\t for\t doing that\tyourself,\tbecause\tyou\thave\tevery\tright\tto. That\u2019s\tokay\tfor\tyou,\tyou\tdon\u2019t\tfeel\tguilty\tabout\tanything. She\t started\t rooting\t around\t in\t her\t handbag\t looking\t for\t something. Offhandedly\tshe\tsaid:\tIs\tthat\thow\tyou\tsee\tme? No,\t he\t said.\t Then,\t uncertain\t of\t how\t guilty\t he\t thought\t Marianne\t felt about\t anything,\t he\t added:\t I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t I\t should\t have\t known\t coming\t to Trinity\t that\t it\t would\t be\t like\t this.\t I\u2019m\t just\t looking\t at\t all\t this\t scholarship stuff\tthinking,\tJesus,\twhat\twould\tpeople\tin\tschool\tsay? For\ta\tsecond\tMarianne\tsaid\tnothing.\tHe\tfelt\tin\tsome\tobscure\tsense\tthat he\t had\t expressed\t himself\t incorrectly,\t but\t he\t didn\u2019t\t know\t how.\t To\t be\t fair, she\t said,\t you\t were\t always\t very\t concerned\t with\t what\t people\t in\t school would\t say.\t He\t remembered\t then,\t about\t how\t people\t had\t treated\t her\t at\t that time,\t and\t how\t he\t himself\t had\t treated\t her,\t and\t he\t felt\t bad.\t It\t wasn\u2019t\t the conclusion\the\twas\thoping\tthe\tconversation\twould\thave,\tbut\the\tsmiled\tand","said:\tOuch.\tShe\tsmiled\tback\tat\thim\tand\tthen\tlifted\ther\tcoffee\tcup.\tAt\tthat moment\t he\t thought:\t just\t as\t their\t relationship\t in\t school\t had\t been\t on\t his terms,\t their\t relationship\t now\t was\t on\t hers.\t But\t she\u2019s\t more\t generous,\t he thought.\tShe\u2019s\ta\tbetter\tperson. * When\t Jamie\u2019s\t story\t is\t finished,\t Marianne\t goes\t inside\t and\t comes\t back\t out again\t with\t another\t bottle\t of\t sparkling\t wine,\t and\t one\t bottle\t of\t red.\t Niall starts\tunwrapping\tthe\twire\ton\tthe\tfirst\tbottle\tand\tMarianne\thands\tConnell\ta corkscrew.\tPeggy\tstarts\tclearing\taway\tpeople\u2019s\tplates.\tConnell\tunpeels\tthe foil\t from\t the\t top\t of\t the\t bottle\t as\t Jamie\t leans\t over\t and\t says\t something\t to Marianne.\tHe\tsinks\tthe\tscrew\tinto\tthe\tcork\tand\ttwists\tit\tdownwards.\tPeggy takes\this\tplate\taway\tand\tstacks\tit\twith\tthe\tothers.\tHe\tfolds\tdown\tthe\tarms of\t the\t corkscrew\t and\t lifts\t the\t cork\t from\t the\t neck\t of\t the\t bottle\t with\t the sound\tof\tlips\tsmacking. The\t sky\t has\t dimmed\t into\t a\t cooler\t blue\t now,\t with\t silver\t clouds\t on\t the rim\t of\t the\t horizon.\t Connell\u2019s\t face\t feels\t flushed\t and\t he\t wonders\t if\t he\u2019s sunburned.\t He\t likes\t imagining\t Marianne\t older\t sometimes,\t with\t children. He\t imagines\t they\u2019re\t all\t here\t in\t Italy\t together\t and\t she\u2019s\t making\t a\t salad\t or something\t and\t complaining\t to\t Connell\t about\t her\t husband,\t who\t is\t older, probably\tan\tintellectual,\tand\tMarianne\tfinds\thim\tdull.\tWhy\tdidn\u2019t\tI\tmarry you?\t she\t would\t say.\t He\t can\t see\t Marianne\t very\t clearly\t in\t this\t dream,\t he sees\t her\t face,\t and\t he\t feels\t that\t she\t has\t spent\t years\t as\t a\t journalist,\t maybe living\tin\tLebanon.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t\tsee\thimself\tso\twell\tor\tknow\twhat\the\u2019s\tbeen doing.\tBut\the\tknows\twhat\the\twould\tsay\tto\ther.\tMoney,\the\twould\tsay.\tAnd she\twould\tlaugh\twithout\tlooking\tup\tfrom\tthe\tsalad. At\t the\t table\t they\u2019re\t talking\t about\t their\t day\t trip\t to\t Venice:\t which\t trains they\t should\t take,\t which\t galleries\t are\t worth\t seeing.\t Marianne\t tells\t Connell he\twould\tlike\tthe\tGuggenheim,\tand\tConnell\tis\tpleased\tthat\tshe\thas\tspoken to\thim,\tpleased\tto\tbe\tsingled\tout\tas\tan\tappreciator\tof\tmodern\tart. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhy\twe\u2019re\tbothering\twith\tVenice,\tsays\tJamie.\tIt\u2019s\tjust\tfull of\tAsians\ttaking\tpictures\tof\teverything. God\tforbid\tyou\tmight\thave\tto\tencounter\tan\tAsian\tperson,\tNiall\tsays. There\u2019s\t a\t stillness\t at\t the\t table.\t Jamie\t says:\t What?\t It\u2019s\t clear\t from\t his voice\tand\tfrom\tthe\tdelayed\tpace\tof\this\tresponse\tthat\the\u2019s\tnow\tdrunk. It\u2019s\tkind\tof\tracist,\twhat\tyou\tjust\tsaid\tabout\tAsian\tpeople,\tNiall\tsays.\tI\u2019m not\tmaking\ta\tbig\tthing\tof\tit. Oh,\t because\t all\t the\t Asians\t at\t the\t table\t are\t going\t to\t get\t offended,\t are they?\tsays\tJamie.","Marianne\t stands\t up\t abruptly\t and\t says:\t I\u2019ll\t go\t get\t dessert.\t Connell\t is disappointed\t by\t this\t display\t of\t spinelessness,\t but\t he\t says\t nothing\t either. Peggy\tfollows\tMarianne\tinto\tthe\thouse\tand\teveryone\tat\tthe\ttable\tis\tsilent. A\t huge\t moth\t circles\t in\t the\t dark\t air\t and\t Jamie\t bats\t at\t it\t with\t his\t napkin. After\t a\t minute\t or\t two\t Peggy\t and\t Marianne\t bring\t dessert\t out\t from\t the kitchen:\ta\tgigantic\tglass\tbowl\tof\thalved\tstrawberries\twith\ta\tstack\tof\twhite china\t dishes\t and\t silver\t spoons.\t Two\t more\t bottles\t of\t wine.\t The\t dishes\t are passed\taround\tand\tpeople\tfill\tthem\twith\tfruit. She\tspent\tall\tafternoon\thalving\tthese\tlittle\tbastards,\tPeggy\tsays. I\tfeel\tso\tspoilt,\tsays\tElaine. Where\u2019s\tthe\tcream?\tJamie\tsays. It\u2019s\tinside,\tsays\tMarianne. Why\tdidn\u2019t\tyou\tbring\tit\tout?\the\tsays. Marianne\tpulls\ther\tchair\tback\tfrom\tthe\ttable\tcoldly\tand\tstands\tup\tto\tgo inside.\t It\u2019s\t almost\t dark\t out\t now.\t Jamie\t ranges\t his\t eyes\t around\t the\t table, trying\t to\t find\t someone\t who\t will\t look\t back\t at\t him\t and\t agree\t that\t he\t was right\tto\task\tfor\tthe\tcream,\tor\tthat\tMarianne\twas\toverreacting\tto\tan\tinnocent query.\tInstead\tpeople\tseem\tto\tavoid\tlooking\tat\thim,\tand\twith\ta\tloud\tsigh\the knocks\this\tchair\tback\tand\tfollows\ther.\tThe\tchair\ttips\tover\tnoiselessly\tonto the\tgrass.\tHe\tgoes\tin\tthe\tside\tdoor\tto\tthe\tkitchen\tand\tslams\tit\tbehind\thim. There\u2019s\ta\tback\tdoor\ttoo,\twhich\tleads\tdown\tinto\tthe\tother\tpart\tof\tthe\tgarden, where\t the\t trees\t are.\t It\u2019s\t walled\t off\t from\t here,\t so\t only\t the\t tops\t of\t the\t trees are\tvisible. By\tthe\ttime\tConnell\tturns\this\tattention\tback\tto\tthe\ttable\tNiall\tis\tstaring at\t him.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t know\t what\t Niall\u2019s\t stare\t means.\t He\t tries\t squinting\t his eyes\tto\tshow\tNiall\the\u2019s\tconfused.\tNiall\tcasts\ta\tsignificant\tlook\tat\tthe\thouse and\tthen\tback\tat\thim.\tConnell\tlooks\tover\this\tright\tshoulder.\tThe\tlight\tis\ton in\tthe\tkitchen,\tleaking\ta\tyellowish\tglow\tthrough\tthe\tgarden\tdoors.\tHe\tonly has\t a\t sidelong\t view\t so\t he\t can\u2019t\t see\t what\u2019s\t going\t on\t inside.\t Elaine\t and Peggy\t are\t complimenting\t the\t strawberries.\t When\t they\t stop,\t Connell\t hears a\t raised\t voice\t coming\t from\t the\t house,\t almost\t a\t shriek.\t Everyone\t freezes. He\tstands\tup\tfrom\tthe\ttable\tto\tgo\tto\tthe\thouse,\tand\tfeels\this\tblood\tpressure drop.\tHe\u2019s\thad\ta\tbottle\tof\twine\tto\tdrink\tby\tnow,\tor\tmore. When\t he\t reaches\t the\t garden\t doors\t he\t sees\t Jamie\t and\t Marianne\t are standing\t at\t the\t counter,\t having\t some\t kind\t of\t argument.\t They\t don\u2019t\t see Connell\tthrough\tthe\tglass\tright\taway.\tHe\tpauses\twith\this\thand\ton\tthe\tdoor handle.\tMarianne\tis\tall\tflushed,\tmaybe\tfrom\ttoo\tmuch\tsun,\tor\tmaybe\tshe\u2019s angry.\t Jamie\t is\t unsteadily\t refilling\t his\t champagne\t glass\t with\t red\t wine.","Connell\t turns\t the\t handle\t and\t comes\t inside.\t Alright?\t he\t says.\t They\t both look\tat\thim,\tthey\tboth\tstop\ttalking.\tHe\tnotices\tMarianne\tis\tshivering\tas\tif she\u2019s\tcold.\tJamie\tlifts\this\tglass\tsarcastically\tin\tConnell\u2019s\tdirection,\tsloshing wine\tover\tthe\trim\tand\tonto\tthe\tfloor. Put\tthat\tdown,\tsays\tMarianne\tquietly. I\u2019m\tsorry,\twhat?\tsays\tJamie. Put\tthat\tglass\tdown,\tplease,\tsays\tMarianne. Jamie\tsmiles\tand\tnods\tto\thimself.\tYou\twant\tme\tto\tput\tit\tdown?\the\tsays. Okay.\tOkay,\tlook,\tI\u2019m\tputting\tit\tdown. He\tdrops\tthe\tglass\ton\tthe\tfloor\tand\tit\tshatters.\tMarianne\tscreams,\ta\treal scream\tfrom\ther\tthroat,\tand\tlaunches\ther\tbody\tat\tJamie,\tdrawing\ther\tright arm\t behind\t her\t as\t if\t to\t strike\t him.\t Connell\t steps\t in\t between\t them,\t glass crunches\tunder\this\tshoe,\tand\the\tgrabs\tMarianne\tby\ther\tupper\tarms.\tBehind him\t Jamie\t is\t laughing.\t Marianne\t tries\t to\t push\t Connell\t aside,\t her\t whole body\t shudders,\t and\t her\t face\t is\t blotchy\t and\t discoloured\t like\t she\u2019s\t been crying.\tCome\there,\the\tsays.\tMarianne.\tShe\tlooks\tat\thim.\tHe\tremembers\ther in\tschool,\tso\tbitter\tand\tstubborn\twith\teveryone.\tHe\tknew\tthings\tabout\ther then.\tThey\tlook\tat\teach\tother\tand\tthe\trigidity\tleaves\ther\tand\tshe\tgoes\tslack like\tshe\u2019s\tbeen\tshot. You\u2019re\ta\tfucking\tmental\tcase,\tyou\tare,\tsays\tJamie.\tYou\tneed\thelp. Connell\t turns\t Marianne\u2019s\t body\t around\t and\t steers\t her\t towards\t the\t back door.\tShe\toffers\tno\tresistance. Where\tare\tyou\tgoing?\tsays\tJamie. Connell\tdoesn\u2019t\tanswer.\tHe\topens\tthe\tdoor\tand\tMarianne\tgoes\tthrough it\twithout\tspeaking.\tHe\tcloses\tit\tbehind\tthem.\tIt\u2019s\tdark\tnow\tin\tthis\tpart\tof the\tgarden,\twith\tonly\tthe\tmottled\twindow\tproviding\tany\tlight.\tThe\tcherries glow\t dimly\t on\t the\t trees.\t Over\t the\t wall\t they\t can\t hear\t Peggy\u2019s\t voice. Together\t he\t and\t Marianne\t walk\t down\t the\t steps\t and\t say\t nothing.\t The kitchen\tlight\tgoes\tout\tbehind\tthem.\tThey\tcan\thear\tJamie\ton\tthe\tother\tside of\t the\t wall\t then,\t rejoining\t the\t others.\t Marianne\t is\t wiping\t her\t nose\t on\t the back\t of\t her\t hand.\t The\t cherries\t hang\t around\t them\t gleaming\t like\t so\t many spectral\t planets.\t The\t air\t is\t light\t with\t scent,\t green\t like\t chlorophyll.\t They sell\t chlorophyll\t chewing\t gum\t in\t Europe,\t Connell\t has\t noticed.\t Overhead the\t sky\t is\t velvet-blue.\t Stars\t flicker\t and\t cast\t no\t light.\t They\t walk\t down\t a line\tof\ttrees\ttogether,\taway\tfrom\tthe\thouse,\tand\tthen\tstop. Marianne\t leans\t against\t a\t slim\t silver\t tree\t trunk\t and\t Connell\t puts\t his arms\t around\t her.\t She\t feels\t thin,\t he\t thinks.\t Was\t she\t so\t thin\t before.\t She","presses\ther\tface\tinto\this\tone\tremaining\tclean\tT-shirt.\tShe\u2019s\tstill\twearing\tthe white\tdress\tfrom\tearlier,\twith\ta\tgold\tembroidered\tshawl\tnow.\tHe\tholds\ther tightly,\t his\t body\t adjusting\t itself\t to\t hers\t like\t the\t kind\t of\t mattress\t that\u2019s supposedly\t good\t for\t you.\t She\t softens\t into\t his\t arms.\t She\t starts\t to\t seem calmer.\t Their\t breathing\t slows\t into\t one\t rhythm.\t The\t kitchen\t light\t goes\t on for\ta\ttime\tand\tthen\toff\tagain,\tvoices\trise\tand\trecede.\tConnell\tfeels\tcertain about\t what\t he\u2019s\t doing,\t but\t it\u2019s\t a\t blank\t certainty,\t as\t if\t he\u2019s\t blankly performing\t a\t memorised\t task.\t He\t finds\t that\t his\t fingers\t are\t in\t Marianne\u2019s hair\t and\t he\u2019s\t stroking\t the\t back\t of\t her\t neck\t calmly.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t know\t how long\the\thas\tbeen\tdoing\tthis.\tShe\trubs\tat\ther\teyes\twith\ther\twrist. Connell\t releases\t her.\t She\t feels\t in\t her\t pocket\t for\t a\t packet\t of\t cigarettes and\t a\t crushed\t box\t of\t matches.\t She\t offers\t him\t a\t cigarette\t and\t he\t accepts. She\t strikes\t a\t match\t and\t the\t flare\t of\t light\t illuminates\t her\t features\t in\t the darkness.\t Her\t skin\t looks\t dry\t and\t inflamed,\t her\t eyes\t are\t swollen.\t She breathes\t in\t and\t the\t cigarette\t paper\t hisses\t in\t the\t flame.\t He\t lights\t his\t own, then\t drops\t the\t match\t in\t the\t grass\t and\t compresses\t it\t under\t his\t foot.\t They smoke\t quietly.\t He\t walks\t away\t from\t the\t tree,\t surveying\t the\t bottom\t of\t the garden,\t but\t it\u2019s\t too\t dark\t to\t make\t much\t out.\t He\t returns\t to\t Marianne\t under the\t branches\t and\t absently\t pulls\t at\t a\t broad,\t waxy\t leaf.\t She\t hangs\t the cigarette\ton\ther\tlower\tlip\tand\tlifts\ther\thair\tinto\ther\thands,\ttwisting\tit\tinto\ta knot\t that\t she\t secures\t with\t an\t elastic\t tie\t from\t her\t wrist.\t Eventually\t they finish\ttheir\tcigarettes\tand\tstub\tthem\tout\tin\tthe\tgrass. Can\tI\tstay\tin\tyour\troom\ttonight?\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019ll\tsleep\ton\tthe\tfloor. The\tbed\tis\tmassive,\the\tsays,\tdon\u2019t\tworry\tabout\tit. The\t house\t is\t dark\t when\t they\t get\t back\t inside.\t In\t Connell\u2019s\t room\t they undress\tdown\tto\ttheir\tunderwear.\tMarianne\tis\t wearing\ta\twhite\tcotton\tbra that\t makes\t her\t breasts\t look\t small\t and\t triangular.\t They\t lie\t side\t by\t side under\t the\t quilt.\t He\u2019s\t aware\t that\t he\t could\t have\t sex\t with\t her\t now\t if\t he wanted\tto.\tShe\twouldn\u2019t\ttell\tanyone.\tHe\tfinds\tit\tstrangely\tcomforting,\tand allows\t himself\t to\t think\t about\t what\t it\t would\t be\t like.\t Hey,\t he\t would\t say quietly.\t Lie\t on\t your\t back,\t okay?\t And\t she\t would\t just\t obediently\t lie\t on\t her back.\t So\t many\t things\t pass\t secretly\t between\t people\t anyway.\t What\t kind\t of person\t would\t he\t be\t if\t it\t happened\t now?\t Someone\t very\t different?\t Or exactly\tthe\tsame\tperson,\thimself,\twith\tno\tdifference\tat\tall. After\ta\ttime\the\thears\ther\tsay\tsomething\the\tcan\u2019t\tmake\tout.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\thear that,\the\tsays. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhat\u2019s\twrong\twith\tme,\tsays\tMarianne.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhy\tI can\u2019t\tbe\tlike\tnormal\tpeople. Her\t voice\t sounds\t oddly\t cool\t and\t distant,\t like\t a\t recording\t of\t her\t voice","played\tafter\tshe\therself\thas\tgone\taway\tor\tdeparted\tfor\tsomewhere\telse. In\twhat\tway?\the\tsays. I\t don\u2019t\t know\t why\t I\t can\u2019t\t make\t people\t love\t me.\t I\t think\t there\t was something\twrong\twith\tme\twhen\tI\twas\tborn. Lots\tof\tpeople\tlove\tyou,\tMarianne.\tOkay?\tYour\tfamily\tand\tfriends\tlove you. For\t a\t few\t seconds\t she\u2019s\t silent\t and\t then\t she\t says:\t You\t don\u2019t\t know\t my family. He\t had\t hardly\t even\t noticed\t himself\t using\t the\t word\t \u2018family\u2019;\t he\u2019d\t just been\t reaching\t for\t something\t reassuring\t and\t meaningless\t to\t say.\t Now\t he doesn\u2019t\tknow\twhat\tto\tdo. In\tthe\tsame\tstrange\tunaccented\tvoice\tshe\tcontinues:\tThey\thate\tme. He\tsits\tup\tin\tbed\tto\tsee\ther\tbetter.\tI\tknow\tyou\tfight\twith\tthem,\the\tsays, but\tthat\tdoesn\u2019t\tmean\tthey\thate\tyou. Last\ttime\tI\twas\thome\tmy\tbrother\ttold\tme\tI\tshould\tkill\tmyself. Mechanically\tConnell\tsits\tup\tstraighter,\tpushing\tthe\tquilt\toff\this\tbody\tas if\the\u2019s\tabout\tto\tget\tup.\tHe\truns\this\ttongue\taround\tthe\tinside\tof\this\tmouth. What\tdid\the\tsay\tthat\tfor?\the\tsays. I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t He\t said\t no\t one\t would\t miss\t me\t if\t I\t was\t dead\t because\t I have\tno\tfriends. Would\tyou\tnot\ttell\tyour\tmother\tif\the\ttalked\tto\tyou\tlike\tthat? She\twas\tthere,\tsays\tMarianne. Connell\tmoves\this\tjaw\taround.\tThe\tpulse\tin\this\tneck\tis\tthrobbing.\tHe\u2019s trying\tto\tvisualise\tthis\tscene,\tthe\tSheridans\tat\thome,\tAlan\tfor\tsome\treason telling\t Marianne\t to\t commit\t suicide,\t but\t it\u2019s\t hard\t to\t picture\t any\t family behaving\tthe\tway\tthat\tshe\thas\tdescribed. What\tdid\tshe\tsay?\the\tasks.\tAs\tin,\thow\tdid\tshe\treact? I\tthink\tshe\tsaid\tsomething\tlike,\toh,\tdon\u2019t\tencourage\ther. Slowly\t Connell\t breathes\t in\t through\t his\t nose\t and\t exhales\t the\t breath between\this\tlips. And\twhat\tprovoked\tthis?\the\tsays.\tLike,\thow\tdid\tthe\targument\tstart? He\t senses\t that\t something\t in\t Marianne\u2019s\t face\t changes\t now,\t or\t hardens, but\the\tcan\u2019t\tname\twhat\tit\tis\texactly.","You\tthink\tI\tdid\tsomething\tto\tdeserve\tit,\tshe\tsays. No,\tobviously\tI\u2019m\tnot\tsaying\tthat. Sometimes\t I\t think\t I\t must\t deserve\t it.\t Otherwise\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t why\t it would\t happen.\t But\t if\t he\u2019s\t in\t a\t bad\t mood\t he\u2019ll\t just\t follow\t me\t around\t the house.\tThere\u2019s\tnothing\tI\tcan\tdo.\tHe\u2019ll\tjust\tcome\tinto\tmy\troom,\the\tdoesn\u2019t care\tif\tI\u2019m\tsleeping\tor\tanything. Connell\trubs\this\tpalms\ton\tthe\tsheet. Would\the\tever\thit\tyou?\the\tsays. Sometimes.\tLess\tso\tsince\tI\tmoved\taway.\tTo\tbe\thonest\tI\tdon\u2019t\teven\tmind it\t that\t much.\t The\t psychological\t stuff\t is\t more\t demoralising.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know how\tto\texplain\tit,\treally.\tI\tknow\tit\tmust\tsound\t\u2026 He\t touches\t his\t hand\t to\t his\t forehead.\t His\t skin\t feels\t wet.\t She\t doesn\u2019t finish\tthe\tsentence\tto\texplain\thow\tit\tmust\tsound. Why\tdidn\u2019t\tyou\tever\ttell\tme\tabout\tit\tbefore?\the\tsays.\tShe\tsays\tnothing. The\t light\t is\t dim\t but\t he\t can\t see\t her\t open\t eyes.\t Marianne,\t he\t says.\t The whole\ttime\twe\twere\ttogether,\twhy\tdidn\u2019t\tyou\ttell\tme\tany\tof\tthis? I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t I\t suppose\t I\t didn\u2019t\t want\t you\t to\t think\t I\t was\t damaged\t or something.\tI\twas\tprobably\tafraid\tyou\twouldn\u2019t\twant\tme\tanymore. Finally\t he\t puts\t his\t face\t in\t his\t hands.\t His\t fingers\t feel\t cold\t and\t clammy on\this\teyelids\tand\tthere\tare\ttears\tin\this\teyes.\tThe\tharder\the\tpresses\twith\this fingers,\tthe\tfaster\tthe\ttears\tseep\tout,\twet,\tonto\this\tskin.\tJesus,\the\tsays.\tHis voice\t sounds\t thick\t and\t he\t clears\t his\t throat.\t Come\t here,\t he\t says.\t And\t she comes\t to\t him.\t He\t feels\t terribly\t ashamed\t and\t confused.\t They\t lie\t face-to- face\t and\t he\t puts\t his\t arms\t around\t her\t body.\t In\t her\t ear\t he\t says:\t I\u2019m\t sorry, okay?\t She\t holds\t onto\t him\t tightly,\t her\t arms\t winding\t around\t him,\t and\t he kisses\ther\tforehead.\tBut\the\talways\tthought\tshe\twas\tdamaged,\the\tthought\tit anyway.\tHe\tscrews\this\teyes\tshut\twith\tguilt.\tTheir\tfaces\tfeel\thot\tand\tdamp now.\t He\t thinks\t of\t her\t saying:\t I\t thought\t you\t wouldn\u2019t\t want\t me\t anymore. Her\tmouth\tis\tso\tclose\tthat\ther\tbreath\tis\twet\ton\this\tlips.\tThey\tstart\tto\tkiss, and\t her\t mouth\t tastes\t dark\t like\t wine.\t Her\t body\t shifts\t against\t him,\t he touches\t her\t breast\t with\t his\t hand,\t and\t in\t a\t few\t seconds\t he\t could\t be\t inside her\t again,\t and\t then\t she\t says:\t No,\t we\t shouldn\u2019t.\t She\t draws\t away,\t just\t like that.\t He\t can\t hear\t himself\t breathing\t in\t the\t silence,\t the\t pathetic\t heaving\t of his\t breath.\t He\t waits\t until\t it\t slows\t down\t again,\t not\t wanting\t to\t have\t his voice\tbreak\twhen\the\ttries\tto\tspeak.\tI\u2019m\treally\tsorry,\the\tsays.\tShe\tsqueezes his\thand.\tIt\u2019s\ta\tvery\tsad\tgesture.\tHe\tcan\u2019t\tbelieve\tthe\tstupidity\tof\twhat\the\u2019s just\tdone.\tSorry,\the\tsays\tagain.\tBut\tMarianne\thas\talready\tturned\taway.","Five\tMonths\tLater (DECEMBER\t2013) In\t the\t lobby\t of\t the\t Languages\t and\t Literature\t building\t she\t sits\t down\t to check\ther\temail.\tShe\tdoesn\u2019t\tremove\ther\tovercoat\tbecause\tshe\u2019ll\tbe\tgetting up\t in\t a\t minute.\t Beside\t her\t on\t the\t desk\t is\t her\t breakfast,\t which\t she\t just purchased\t from\t the\t supermarket\t across\t the\t street:\t one\t black\t coffee\t with brown\tsugar,\tone\tlemon\tpastry\troll.\tShe\teats\tthis\texact\tbreakfast\tregularly. Lately\t she\t has\t started\t to\t eat\t it\t slowly,\t in\t lavish\t sugary\t mouthfuls\t that congeal\t around\t her\t teeth.\t The\t more\t slowly\t she\t eats,\t and\t the\t more consideration\tshe\tgives\tto\tthe\tcomposition\tof\ther\tfood,\tthe\tless\thungry\tshe feels.\tShe\twon\u2019t\teat\tagain\tuntil\teight\tor\tnine\tin\tthe\tevening. She\t has\t two\t new\t emails,\t one\t from\t Connell\t and\t one\t from\t Joanna.\t She dabs\ther\tmouse\tback\tand\tforth\tbetween\tthem,\tand\tthen\tselects\tJoanna\u2019s. no\treal\tnews\tfrom\there,\tas\tusual.\tI\u2019ve\trecently\ttaken\tto\tstaying\thome at\tnight\tand\twatching\tmy\tway\tthrough\ta\tnine\tpart\tdocumentary series\tabout\tthe\tamerican\tcivil\twar.\tI\thave\ta\tlot\tof\tnew\tinformation about\tvarious\tcivil\twar\tgenerals\tto\tshare\twith\tyou\tnext\ttime\twe\u2019re\ton Skype.\thow\tare\tyou?\thow\tis\tLukas?\tdid\the\ttake\tthose\tphotos\tyet\tor is\tthat\ttoday?\tand\tthe\tbig\tquestion\t\u2026\tcan\tI\tsee\tthem\twhen\tthey\u2019re done??\tor\tis\tthat\tprurient.\tI\tawait\tyour\tword.\txx Marianne\tlifts\tthe\tlemon\tpastry,\ttakes\ta\tlarge,\tslow\tbite,\tand\tlets\tit\tdissolve in\tlayers\ton\ther\ttongue.\tShe\tchews,\tswallows,\tthen\tlifts\tthe\tcoffee\tcup.\tOne mouthful\tof\tcoffee.\tShe\treplaces\tthe\tcup\tand\topens\tConnell\u2019s\tmessage. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhat\tyou\tmean\tby\tyour\tlast\tsentence\tthere\texactly.\tDo you\tmean\tjust\tbecause\twe\u2019re\tfar\taway\tfrom\teach\tother\tor\tbecause we\u2019ve\tactually\tchanged\tas\tpeople?\tI\tdo\tfeel\tlike\ta\tpretty\tdifferent person\tnow\tthan\tI\twas\tthen\tbut\tmaybe\tI\tdon\u2019t\tseem\tthat\tdifferent,\tI don\u2019t\tknow.\tBy\tthe\tway\tI\tlooked\tyour\tfriend\tLukas\tup\ton\tFacebook, he\u2019s\twhat\tyou\twould\tcall\t\u2018Scandinavian\tlooking\u2019.\tSadly\tSweden\tdid not\tqualify\tfor\tthe\tWorld\tCup\tthis\ttime\tso\tif\tyou\tend\tup\twith\ta Swedish\tboyfriend\tI\u2019ll\thave\tto\tthink\tof\tanother\tway\tto\tbond\twith him.\tNot\tthat\tI\u2019m\tsaying\tthis\tguy\tLukas\tis\tgoing\tto\tbe\tyour boyfriend\tor\twould\twant\tto\ttalk\tto\tme\tabout\tfootball\tif\the\twas, although\tit\u2019s\tsomething\tI\tam\tputting\tout\tas\ta\tpossibility.\tI\tknow\tyou like\tthe\ttall\thandsome\tguys\tas\tyou\tsay,\tso\twhy\tnot\tLukas,\twho\tlooks","tall\tand\tis\talso\thandsome\t(Helen\thas\tseen\this\tphoto\tand\tagrees).\tBut whatever,\tI\u2019m\tnot\tpushing\tthe\tboyfriend\tthing,\tI\tjust\thope\tyou\thave confirmed\the\u2019s\tnot\ta\tpsychopath.\tYou\tdon\u2019t\talways\thave\ta\tgood radar\ton\tthat. Unrelatedly\twe\twere\tgetting\ta\ttaxi\tthrough\tPhoenix\tPark\tlast\tnight and\twe\tsaw\ta\tlot\tof\tdeer.\tDeer\tare\tkind\tof\tstrange\tlooking\tcreatures. In\tthe\tnight\tthey\thave\ta\tghostly\tappearance\tand\ttheir\teyes\tcan\treflect headlights\tin\tan\tolive\tgreen\tor\tsilver\tcolour,\tlike\ta\tspecial\teffect. They\tpaused\tto\tobserve\tour\ttaxi\tbefore\tmoving\ton.\tTo\tme\tit\u2019s\tweird when\tanimals\tpause\tbecause\tthey\tseem\tso\tintelligent,\tbut\tmaybe that\u2019s\tbecause\tI\tassociate\tpausing\twith\tthought.\tDeer\tare\telegant anyway\tI\thave\tto\tsay.\tIf\tyou\twere\tan\tanimal\tyourself,\tyou\tcould\tdo worse\tthan\tbe\ta\tdeer.\tThey\thave\tthose\tthoughtful\tfaces\tand\tnice sleek\tbodies.\tBut\tthey\talso\tkind\tof\tstartle\toff\tin\tunpredictable\tways. They\tdidn\u2019t\tremind\tme\tof\tyou\tat\tthe\ttime\tbut\tin\tretrospect\tI\tsee\ta similarity\tthere.\tI\thope\tyou\u2019re\tnot\toffended\tby\tthe\tcomparison.\tI would\ttell\tyou\tabout\tthe\tparty\tprior\tto\tus\tgetting\tthe\ttaxi\tthrough Phoenix\tPark\tbut\tit\twas\thonestly\tboring\tand\tnot\tas\tgood\tas\tthe\tdeer. No\tone\twas\tthere\twho\tyou\twould\tknow\tthat\twell.\tYour\tlast\temail was\treally\tgood,\tthank\tyou.\tI\tlook\tforward\tto\thearing\tmore\tas always. Marianne\tchecks\tthe\ttime\tin\tthe\ttop-right\tcorner\tof\tthe\tscreen:\t09:49.\tShe navigates\tback\tto\tJoanna\u2019s\tmessage\tand\thits\treply. He\u2019s\ttaking\tthe\tphotos\ttoday,\tI\u2019m\tactually\theading\tover\tthere\tnow. Of\tcourse\tI\twill\tsend\tthem\tto\tyou\twhen\tthey\tare\tfinished\tAND\tI expect\tlong\tflattering\tcommentary\ton\teach\tindividual\tphotograph. I\u2019m\texcited\tto\thear\twhat\tyou\u2019ve\tlearned\tabout\tthe\tUS\tCivil\tWar.\tAll I\u2019ve\tlearned\there\tis\thow\tto\tsay\t\u2018no\tthank\tyou\u2019\t(nej\ttack)\tand\t\u2018really, no\u2019\t(verkligen,\tnej).\tTalk\tsoon\txxx Marianne\t closes\t her\t laptop,\t eats\t another\t two\t bites\t of\t the\t pastry\t and\t folds the\t rest\t up\t in\t its\t little\t greaseproof\t wrap.\t She\t slips\t her\t laptop\t into\t her satchel\tand\tremoves\ther\tsoft\tfelt\tberet,\twhich\tshe\tpulls\tdown\tover\ther\tears. The\tpastry\tshe\tdisposes\tof\tin\ta\tnearby\tbin. Outside\t it\u2019s\t still\t snowing.\t The\t exterior\t world\t looks\t like\t an\t old\t TV screen\t badly\t tuned.\t Visual\t noise\t breaks\t the\t landscape\t into\t soft\t fragments. Marianne\t buries\t her\t hands\t in\t her\t pockets.\t Flakes\t of\t snow\t fall\t on\t her\t face","and\t dissolve\t there.\t A\t cold\t flake\t alights\t on\t her\t top\t lip\t and\t she\t feels\t for\t it with\ther\ttongue.\tHead\tdown\tagainst\tthe\tcold,\tshe\tis\ton\ther\tway\tto\tLukas\u2019s studio.\tLukas\u2019s\thair\tis\tso\tblonde\tthat\tthe\tindividual\tstrands\tlook\twhite.\tShe finds\t them\t on\t her\t clothing\t sometimes,\t finer\t than\t thread.\t He\t dresses\t all\t in black:\t black\t shirts,\t black\t zip-up\t hoodies,\t black\t boots\t with\t thick\t black rubber\tsoles.\tHe\u2019s\tan\tartist.\tThe\tfirst\ttime\tthey\tmet,\tMarianne\ttold\thim\tshe was\ta\twriter.\tIt\twas\ta\tlie.\tNow\tshe\tavoids\ttalking\tto\thim\tabout\tit. Lukas\tlives\tnear\tthe\tstation.\tShe\ttakes\ther\thand\tfrom\ther\tpocket,\tblows on\ther\tfingers\tand\tpresses\tthe\tbuzzer.\tHe\tanswers,\tin\tEnglish:\tWho\tis\tit? It\u2019s\tMarianne,\tshe\tsays. Ah,\tyou\u2019re\tearly,\tsays\tLukas.\tCome\ton\tin. Why\t does\t he\t say\t \u2018you\u2019re\t early\u2019?\t Marianne\t thinks\t as\t she\t climbs\t the stairs.\tThe\tconnection\twas\tfuzzy\tbut\the\tseemed\tto\tsay\tit\twith\ta\tsmile.\tWas he\tpointing\tit\tout\tto\tmake\ther\tappear\ttoo\teager?\tBut\tshe\tfinds\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t care\t how\t eager\t she\t appears,\t because\t there\t is\t no\t secret\t eagerness\t to\t be discovered\t in\t her.\t She\t could\t be\t here,\t ascending\t the\t staircase\t to\t Lukas\u2019s studio,\tor\tshe\tcould\tbe\tin\tthe\tcampus\tlibrary,\tor\tin\tthe\tdorm\tmaking\therself coffee.\t For\t weeks\t now\t she\t has\t had\t this\t feeling,\t the\t feeling\t of\t moving around\t inside\t a\t protective\t film,\t floating\t like\t mercury.\t The\t outside\t world touches\tagainst\ther\toutside\tskin,\tbut\tnot\tthe\tother\tpart\tof\therself,\tinside.\tSo whatever\t Lukas\u2019s\t reason\t for\t saying\t \u2018you\u2019re\t early\u2019,\t she\t finds\t it\t doesn\u2019t matter\tto\ther. Upstairs\the\u2019s\tsetting\tup.\tMarianne\tremoves\ther\that\tand\tshakes\tit.\tLukas looks\t up,\t then\t back\t at\t the\t tripod.\t Are\t you\t getting\t used\t to\t the\t weather?\t he says.\t She\t hangs\t her\t hat\t on\t the\t back\t of\t the\t door\t and\t shrugs.\t She\t begins\t to take\t off\t her\t coat.\t In\t Sweden\t we\t have\t a\t saying,\t he\t says.\t There\u2019s\t no\t such thing\tas\tbad\tweather,\tonly\tbad\tclothes. Marianne\thangs\ther\tcoat\tbeside\ther\that.\tWhat\u2019s\twrong\twith\tmy\tclothes? she\tsays\tmildly. It\u2019s\tjust\tan\texpression,\tsays\tLukas. She\t honestly\t can\u2019t\t tell\t now\t if\t he\t meant\t to\t criticise\t her\t clothes\t or\t not. She\u2019s\twearing\ta\tgrey\tlambswool\tsweater\tand\ta\tthick\tblack\tskirt\twith\tknee- high\t boots.\t Lukas\t has\t bad\t manners,\t which,\t to\t Marianne,\t makes\t him\t seem childish.\tHe\tnever\toffers\ther\tcoffee\tor\ttea\twhen\tshe\tarrives,\tor\teven\ta\tglass of\t water.\t He\t starts\t talking\t right\t away\t about\t whatever\t he\t has\t been\t reading or\t doing\t since\t her\t last\t visit.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t seem\t to\t crave\t her\t input,\t and sometimes\ther\tresponses\tconfuse\tor\tdisorientate\thim,\twhich\the\tclaims\tis\tan effect\tof\this\tbad\tEnglish.\tIn\tfact\this\tcomprehension\tis\tvery\tgood.\tAnyway,","today\tis\tdifferent.\tShe\tremoves\ther\tboots\tand\tleaves\tthem\tby\tthe\tdoor. There\u2019s\ta\tmattress\tin\tthe\tcorner\tof\tthe\tstudio,\twhere\tLukas\tsleeps.\tThe windows\t are\t very\t tall\t and\t run\t almost\t to\t the\t floor,\t with\t blinds\t and\t thin trailing\t curtains.\t Various\t unrelated\t items\t are\t dotted\t around\t the\t room: several\t large\t potted\t plants,\t stacks\t of\t atlases,\t a\t bicycle\t wheel.\t This\t array impressed\tMarianne\tinitially,\tbut\tLukas\tlater\texplained\the\thad\tgathered\tthe items\t intentionally\t for\t a\t shoot,\t which\t made\t them\t seem\t artificial\t to\t her. Everything\tis\tan\teffect\twith\tyou,\tMarianne\ttold\thim\tonce.\tHe\ttook\tthis\tas\ta compliment\tabout\this\tart.\tHe\tdoes\thave\timmaculate\ttaste.\tHe\u2019s\tsensitive\tto the\t most\t minuscule\t of\t aesthetic\t failures,\t in\t painting,\t in\t cinema,\t even\t in novels\tor\ttelevision\tshows.\tSometimes\twhen\tMarianne\tmentions\ta\tfilm\tshe has\t recently\t watched,\t he\t waves\t his\t hand\t and\t says:\t It\t fails\t for\t me.\t This quality\t of\t discernment,\t she\t has\t realised,\t does\t not\t make\t Lukas\t a\t good person.\t He\t has\t managed\t to\t nurture\t a\t fine\t artistic\t sensitivity\t without\t ever developing\t any\t real\t sense\t of\t right\t and\t wrong.\t The\t fact\t that\t this\t is\t even possible\tunsettles\tMarianne,\tand\tmakes\tart\tseem\tpointless\tsuddenly. She\t and\t Lukas\t have\t had\t an\t arrangement\t for\t a\t few\t weeks\t now.\t Lukas calls\t it\t \u2018the\t game\u2019.\t Like\t any\t game,\t there\t are\t some\t rules.\t Marianne\t is\t not allowed\t to\t talk\t or\t make\t eye\t contact\t while\t the\t game\t is\t going\t on.\t If\t she breaks\t the\t rules,\t she\t gets\t punished\t later.\t The\t game\t doesn\u2019t\t end\t when\t the sex\t is\t finished,\t the\t game\t ends\t when\t she\t gets\t in\t the\t shower.\t Sometimes after\tsex\tLukas\ttakes\ta\tlong\ttime\tbefore\the\tlets\ther\tget\tin\tthe\tshower,\tjust talking\t to\t her.\t He\t tells\t her\t bad\t things\t about\t herself.\t It\u2019s\t hard\t to\t know whether\t Marianne\t likes\t to\t hear\t those\t things;\t she\t desires\t to\t hear\t them,\t but she\u2019s\tconscious\tby\tnow\tof\tbeing\table\tto\tdesire\tin\tsome\tsense\twhat\tshe\tdoes not\twant.\tThe\tquality\tof\tgratification\tis\tthin\tand\thard,\tarriving\ttoo\tquickly and\tthen\tleaving\ther\tsick\tand\tshivery.\tYou\u2019re\tworthless,\tLukas\tlikes\tto\ttell her.\t You\u2019re\t nothing.\t And\t she\t feels\t like\t nothing,\t an\t absence\t to\t be\t forcibly filled\tin.\tIt\tisn\u2019t\tthat\tshe\tlikes\tthe\tfeeling,\tbut\tit\trelieves\ther\tsomehow.\tThen she\tshowers\tand\tthe\tgame\tis\tover.\tShe\texperiences\ta\tdepression\tso\tdeep\tit is\t tranquillising,\t she\t eats\t whatever\t he\t tells\t her\t to\t eat,\t she\t experiences\t no more\townership\tover\ther\town\tbody\tthan\tif\tit\twere\ta\tpiece\tof\tlitter. Since\tshe\tarrived\there\tin\tSweden,\tbut\tparticularly\tsince\tthe\tbeginning\tof the\tgame,\tpeople\thave\tseemed\tto\ther\tlike\tcoloured\tpaper\tshapes,\tnot\treal\tat all.\t At\t times\t a\t person\t will\t make\t eye\t contact\t with\t Marianne,\t a\t bus conductor\t or\t someone\t looking\t for\t change,\t and\t she\u2019ll\t be\t shocked\t briefly into\tthe\trealisation\tthat\tthis\tis\tin\tfact\ther\tlife,\tthat\tshe\tis\tactually\tvisible\tto other\tpeople.\tThis\tfeeling\topens\ther\tto\tcertain\tlongings:\thunger\tand\tthirst,\ta desire\tto\tspeak\tSwedish,\ta\tphysical\tdesire\tto\tswim\tor\tdance.\tBut\tthese\tfade away\tagain\tquickly.\tIn\tLund\tshe\u2019s\tnever\treally\thungry,\tand\tthough\tshe\tfills","a\t plastic\t Evian\t bottle\t with\t water\t every\t morning,\t she\t empties\t most\t of\t it back\tinto\tthe\tsink\tat\tnight. She\tsits\ton\tthe\tcorner\tof\tthe\tmattress\tnow\twhile\tLukas\tswitches\ta\tlamp on\tand\toff\tand\tdoes\tsomething\twith\this\tcamera.\tI\tstill\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twith\tthe light\t yet,\t he\t says.\t Maybe\t we\t can\t do,\t like,\t first\t one\t and\t then\t another\t one. Marianne\t shrugs.\t She\t doesn\u2019t\t understand\t the\t import\t of\t what\t he\u2019s\t saying. Because\tall\this\tfriends\tspeak\tSwedish,\tit\thas\tbeen\tdifficult\tfor\ther\tto\twork out\thow\tpopular\tor\twell\tregarded\tLukas\tis.\tPeople\tspend\ttime\tin\this\tstudio often\tand\tseem\tto\tmove\ta\tlot\tof\tartistic\tequipment\tup\tand\tdown\this\tstairs, but\t are\t they\t fans\t of\t his\t work,\t grateful\t for\t his\t attention?\t Or\t are\t they exploiting\t him\t for\t the\t convenient\t location\t of\t his\t working\t space\t while making\tfun\tof\thim\tbehind\this\tback? Okay,\tI\tthink\twe\u2019re\tready\tto\tgo,\tsays\tLukas. Do\tyou\twant\tme\tto\t\u2026 Maybe\tjust\tthe\tsweater\tnow. Marianne\t pulls\t her\t sweater\t off\t over\t her\t head.\t She\t places\t it\t in\t her\t lap, folds\t it,\t and\t then\t puts\t it\t to\t one\t side.\t She\t is\t wearing\t a\t black\t lace\t bra\t with little\t flowers\t embroidered\t on\t it.\t Lukas\t starts\t doing\t something\t with\t his camera. * She\t doesn\u2019t\t hear\t from\t the\t others\t much\t anymore:\t Peggy,\t Sophie,\t Teresa, that\t crowd.\t Jamie\t wasn\u2019t\t happy\t about\t the\t break-up,\t and\t he\t told\t people\t he wasn\u2019t\t happy,\t and\t people\t felt\t sorry\t for\t him.\t Things\t started\t to\t turn\t against Marianne,\tshe\tcould\tsense\tthat\tbefore\tshe\tleft.\tAt\tfirst\tit\twas\tunsettling,\tthe way\t eyes\t turned\t away\t from\t her\t in\t a\t room,\t or\t conversation\t stopped\t short when\tshe\tentered;\tthe\tsense\tof\thaving\tlost\ther\tfooting\tin\tthe\tsocial\tworld, of\tbeing\tno\tlonger\tadmired\tand\tenvied,\thow\tquickly\tit\thad\tall\tslipped\taway from\t her.\t But\t then\t she\t found\t it\t was\t easy\t to\t get\t used\t to.\t There\u2019s\t always been\t something\t inside\t her\t that\t men\t have\t wanted\t to\t dominate,\t and\t their desire\tfor\tdomination\tcan\tlook\tso\tmuch\tlike\tattraction,\teven\tlove.\tIn\tschool the\t boys\t had\t tried\t to\t break\t her\t with\t cruelty\t and\t disregard,\t and\t in\t college men\t had\t tried\t to\t do\t it\t with\t sex\t and\t popularity,\t all\t with\t the\t same\t aim\t of subjugating\tsome\tforce\tin\ther\tpersonality.\tIt\tdepressed\ther\tto\tthink\tpeople were\tso\tpredictable.\tWhether\tshe\twas\trespected\tor\tdespised,\tit\tdidn\u2019t\tmake much\tdifference\tin\tthe\tend.\tWould\tevery\tstage\tof\ther\tlife\tcontinue\tto\treveal itself\t as\t the\t same\t thing,\t again\t and\t again,\t the\t same\t remorseless\t contest\t for dominance? With\tPeggy\tit\thad\tbeen\thard.\tI\u2019m\tyour\tbest\tfriend,\tPeggy\tkept\tsaying\tat","the\t time,\t in\t an\t increasingly\t weird\t voice.\t She\t couldn\u2019t\t accept\t Marianne\u2019s laissez-faire\t attitude\t to\t the\t situation.\t You\t realise\t people\t are\t talking\t about you,\t Peggy\t said\t one\t night\t while\t Marianne\t was\t packing.\t Marianne\t didn\u2019t know\thow\tto\trespond.\tAfter\ta\tpause,\tshe\treplied\tthoughtfully:\tI\tdon\u2019t\tthink I\t always\t care\t about\t the\t same\t things\t you\t care\t about.\t But\t I\t do\t care\t about you.\t Peggy\t threw\t her\t hands\t in\t the\t air\t wildly,\t walked\t around\t the\t coffee table\ttwice. I\u2019m\tyour\tbest\tfriend,\tshe\tsaid.\tWhat\tam\tI\tsupposed\tto\tdo? I\tdon\u2019t\treally\tknow\twhat\tthat\tquestion\tmeans. I\t mean,\t what\t position\t does\t this\t put\t me\t in?\t Because\t honestly,\t I\t don\u2019t really\twant\tto\ttake\tsides. Marianne\tfrowned,\tzipping\ta\thairbrush\tinto\tthe\tpocket\tof\ther\tsuitcase. You\tmean,\tyou\tdon\u2019t\twant\tto\ttake\tmy\tside,\tshe\tsaid. Peggy\t looked\t at\t her,\t breathing\t hard\t now\t from\t her\t exertion\t around\t the coffee\ttable.\tMarianne\twas\tkneeling\tdown\tby\ther\tsuitcase\tstill. I\t don\u2019t\t know\t if\t you\t really\t understand\t how\t people\t are\t feeling,\t Peggy said.\tPeople\tare\tupset\tabout\tthis. About\tme\tbreaking\tup\twith\tJamie? About\tthe\twhole\tdrama.\tPeople\tare\tactually\tupset. Peggy\t looked\t at\t her,\t awaiting\t a\t response,\t and\t Marianne\t replied eventually:\t Okay.\t Peggy\t rubbed\t a\t hand\t over\t her\t face\t and\t said:\t I\u2019ll\t leave you\t to\t pack\t up.\t As\t she\t went\t out\t the\t door\t she\t added:\t You\t should\t consider seeing\ta\ttherapist\tor\tsomething.\tMarianne\tdidn\u2019t\tunderstand\tthe\tsuggestion. I\tshould\tsee\ta\ttherapist\tbecause\tI\u2019m\tnot\tupset?\tshe\tthought.\tBut\tit\twas\thard to\t dismiss\t something\t she\t had\t admittedly\t been\t hearing\t all\t her\t life\t from various\tsources:\tthat\tshe\twas\tmentally\tunwell\tand\tneeded\thelp. Joanna\t is\t the\t only\t one\t who\t has\t kept\t in\t touch.\t In\t the\t evening\t they\t talk on\t Skype\t about\t their\t coursework,\t films\t they\u2019ve\t seen,\t articles\t Joanna\t is working\ton\tfor\tthe\tstudent\tpaper.\tOn-screen\ther\tface\talways\tappears\tdimly lit\tagainst\tthe\tsame\tbackdrop,\ther\tcream-coloured\tbedroom\twall.\tShe\tnever wears\tmake-up\tanymore,\t sometimes\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t even\t brush\t her\t hair.\t She has\t a\t girlfriend\t now\t called\t Evelyn,\t a\t graduate\t student\t in\t International Peace\t Studies.\t Marianne\t asked\t once\t if\t Joanna\t saw\t Peggy\t often,\t and\t she made\ta\tquick\twincing\texpression,\tonly\tfor\ta\tfraction\tof\ta\tsecond,\tbut\tlong enough\t for\t Marianne\t to\t see.\t No,\t said\t Joanna.\t I\t don\u2019t\t see\t any\t of\t those people.\tThey\tknow\tI\twas\ton\tyour\tside\tanyway. I\u2019m\t sorry,\t said\t Marianne.\t I\t didn\u2019t\t want\t you\t to\t fall\t out\t with\t anyone","because\tof\tme. Joanna\t made\t a\t face\t again,\t this\t time\t a\t less\t legible\t expression,\t either because\t of\t the\t poor\t lighting,\t the\t pixelation\t on-screen,\t or\t the\t ambivalent feeling\tshe\twas\ttrying\tto\texpress. Well,\t I\t was\t never\t really\t friends\t with\t them\t anyway,\t said\t Joanna.\t They were\tmore\tyour\tfriends. I\tthought\twe\twere\tall\tfriends. You\t were\t the\t only\t one\t I\t got\t on\t with.\t Frankly\t I\t don\u2019t\t think\t Jamie\t or Peggy\tare\tparticularly\tgood\tpeople.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tmy\tbusiness\tif\tyou\twant\tto\tbe friends\twith\tthem,\tthat\u2019s\tjust\tmy\topinion. No,\tI\tagree\twith\tyou,\tsaid\tMarianne.\tI\tguess\tI\tjust\tgot\tcaught\tup\tin\thow much\tthey\tseemed\tto\tlike\tme. Yeah.\t I\t think\t in\t your\t better\t judgement\t you\t did\t realise\t how\t obnoxious they\twere.\tBut\tit\twas\teasier\tfor\tme\tbecause\tthey\tnever\treally\tliked\tme\tthat much. Marianne\t was\t surprised\t by\t this\t matter-of-fact\t turn\t in\t the\t conversation, and\t felt\t a\t little\t castigated,\t though\t Joanna\u2019s\t tone\t remained\t friendly.\t It\t was true,\t Peggy\t and\t Jamie\t were\t not\t very\t good\t people;\t bad\t people\t even,\t who took\tjoy\tin\tputting\tothers\tdown.\tMarianne\tfeels\taggrieved\tthat\tshe\tfell\tfor it,\taggrieved\tthat\tshe\tthought\tshe\thad\tanything\tin\tcommon\twith\tthem,\tthat she\u2019d\t participated\t in\t the\t commodity\t market\t they\t passed\t off\t as\t friendship. In\t school\t she\t had\t believed\t herself\t to\t be\t above\t such\t frank\t exchanges\t of social\t capital,\t but\t her\t college\t life\t indicated\t that\t if\t anyone\t in\t school\t had actually\tbeen\twilling\tto\tspeak\tto\ther,\tshe\twould\thave\tbehaved\tjust\tas\tbadly as\tanyone\telse.\tThere\tis\tnothing\tsuperior\tabout\ther\tat\tall. * Can\tyou\tturn\tand\tface\tto\tthe\twindow?\tsays\tLukas. Sure. Marianne\tturns\ton\tthe\tmattress,\tlegs\tpulled\tup\tto\ther\tchest. Can\tyou\tmove,\tlike\t\u2026\tlegs\tdown\tin\tsome\tway?\tsays\tLukas. Marianne\t crosses\t her\t legs\t in\t front\t of\t her.\t Lukas\t scoots\t the\t tripod forward\t and\t readjusts\t the\t angle.\t Marianne\t thinks\t of\t Connell\u2019s\t email comparing\ther\tto\ta\tdeer.\tShe\tliked\tthe\tline\tabout\tthoughtful\tfaces\tand\tsleek bodies.\tShe\thas\tlost\teven\tmore\tweight\tin\tSweden,\tshe\u2019s\tthinner\tnow,\tvery sleek. She\u2019s\t decided\t not\t to\t go\t home\t for\t Christmas\t this\t year.\t She\t thinks\t a\t lot","about\t how\t to\t extricate\t herself\t from\t \u2018the\t family\t situation\u2019.\t In\t bed\t at\t night she\t imagines\t scenarios\t in\t which\t she\t is\t completely\t free\t of\t her\t mother\t and brother,\t on\t neither\t good\t nor\t bad\t terms\t with\t them,\t simply\t a\t neutral\t non- participant\tin\ttheir\tlives.\tShe\tspent\tmuch\tof\ther\tchildhood\tand\tadolescence planning\telaborate\tschemes\tto\tremove\therself\tfrom\tfamily\tconflict:\tstaying completely\tsilent,\tkeeping\ther\tface\tand\tbody\texpressionless\tand\timmobile, wordlessly\t leaving\t the\t room\t and\t making\t her\t way\t to\t her\t bedroom,\t closing the\tdoor\tquietly\tbehind\ther.\tLocking\therself\tin\tthe\ttoilet.\tLeaving\tthe\thouse for\t an\t indefinite\t number\t of\t hours\t and\t sitting\t in\t the\t school\t car\t park\t by herself.\t None\t of\t these\t strategies\t had\t ever\t proven\t successful.\t In\t fact\t her tactics\t only\t seemed\t to\t increase\t the\t possibility\t that\t she\t would\t be\t punished as\t the\t primary\t instigator.\t Now\t she\t can\t see\t that\t her\t attempt\t to\t avoid\t a family\t Christmas,\t always\t a\t peak\t occasion\t for\t hostilities,\t will\t be\t entered into\t the\t domestic\t accounting\t book\t as\t yet\t another\t example\t of\t offensive behaviour\ton\ther\tpart. When\t she\t thinks\t of\t Christmastime\t now\t she\t thinks\t of\t Carricklea,\t lights strung\tup\tover\tMain\tStreet,\tthe\tglowing\tplastic\tSanta\tClaus\tin\tthe\twindow of\t Kelleher\u2019s\t with\t its\t animated\t arm\t waving\t a\t stiff,\t repetitive\t greeting. Tinfoil\tsnowflakes\thanging\tin\tthe\ttown\tpharmacy.\tThe\tdoor\tof\tthe\tbutcher shop\tswinging\topen\tand\tshut,\tvoices\tcalling\tout\ton\tthe\tcorner.\tBreath\trising as\tmist\tin\tthe\tchurch\tcar\tpark\tat\tnight.\tFoxfield\tin\tthe\tevening,\thouses\tquiet as\t sleeping\t cats,\t windows\t bright.\t The\t Christmas\t tree\t in\t Connell\u2019s\t front room,\t tinsel\t bristling,\t furniture\t cramped\t to\t make\t space,\t and\t the\t high, delighted\t sound\t of\t laughter.\t He\t said\t he\t would\t be\t sorry\t not\t to\t see\t her. Won\u2019t\tbe\tthe\tsame\twithout\tyou,\the\twrote.\tShe\tfelt\tstupid\tthen\tand\twanted to\tcry.\tHer\tlife\tis\tso\tsterile\tnow\tand\thas\tno\tbeauty\tin\tit\tanymore. I\tthink\tmaybe\ttake\tthis\toff,\tLukas\tsays\tnow. He\u2019s\t gesturing\t to\t her\t bra.\t She\t reaches\t behind\t her\t back\t and\t snaps\t open the\tclasp,\tthen\tslips\tthe\tstraps\toff\ther\tshoulders.\tShe\tdiscards\tit\tout\tof\tview of\tthe\tcamera.\tLukas\ttakes\ta\tfew\tpictures,\tlowers\tthe\tcamera\u2019s\tposition\ton the\ttripod,\tmoves\tit\tforward\tan\tinch,\tand\tcontinues.\tMarianne\tstares\tat\tthe window.\t The\t sound\t of\t the\t camera\t shutter\t stops\t eventually\t and\t she\t turns around.\tLukas\tis\topening\ta\tdrawer\tunderneath\tthe\ttable.\tHe\ttakes\tout\ta\tcoil of\tthick\tblack\tribbon,\tmade\tof\tsome\tcoarse\tcotton\tor\tlinen\tfibre. What\u2019s\tthat?\tMarianne\tsays. You\tknow\twhat\tit\tis. Don\u2019t\tstart\tthis\tnow. Lukas\t just\t stands\t there\t unwinding\t the\t cloth,\t indifferent.\t Marianne\u2019s bones\t begin\t to\t feel\t very\t heavy,\t a\t familiar\t feeling.\t They\t are\t so\t heavy\t she","can\t hardly\t move.\t Silently\t she\t holds\t out\t her\t arms\t in\t front\t of\t her,\t elbows together.\t Good,\t he\t says.\t He\t kneels\t down\t and\t wraps\t the\t cloth\t tightly.\t Her wrists\tare\tthin\tbut\tthe\tribbon\tis\tpulled\tso\ttight\tthat\ta\tlittle\tflesh\tstill\tswells on\t either\t side.\t This\t looks\t ugly\t to\t her\t and\t instinctively\t she\t turns\t away, towards\tthe\twindow\tagain.\tVery\tgood,\the\tsays.\tHe\tgoes\tback\tto\tthe\tcamera. The\tshutter\tclicks.\tShe\tcloses\ther\teyes\tbut\the\ttells\ther\tto\topen\tthem.\tShe\u2019s tired\t now.\t The\t inside\t of\t her\t body\t seems\t to\t be\t gravitating\t further\t and further\t downwards,\t towards\t the\t floor,\t towards\t the\t centre\t of\t the\t earth. When\tshe\tlooks\tup,\tLukas\tis\tunwrapping\tanother\tlength\tof\tribbon. No,\tshe\tsays. Don\u2019t\tmake\tit\thard\ton\tyourself. I\tdon\u2019t\twant\tto\tdo\tthis. I\tknow,\the\tsays. He\t kneels\t down\t again.\t She\t draws\t her\t head\t back,\t avoiding\t his\t touch, and\t quickly\t he\t puts\t his\t hand\t around\t her\t throat.\t This\t gesture\t doesn\u2019t frighten\t her,\t it\t only\t exhausts\t her\t so\t entirely\t that\t she\t can\u2019t\t speak\t or\t move anymore.\t Her\t chin\t drops\t forward,\t slack.\t She\u2019s\t tired\t of\t making\t evasive efforts\twhen\tit\u2019s\teasier,\teffortless,\tto\tgive\tin.\tHe\tsqueezes\ther\tthroat\tslightly and\tshe\tcoughs.\tThen,\tnot\tspeaking,\the\tlets\tgo\tof\ther.\tHe\ttakes\tup\tthe\tcloth again\tand\twraps\tit\tas\ta\tblindfold\taround\ther\teyes.\tEven\ther\tbreathing\tfeels laboured\tnow.\tHer\teyes\titch.\tHe\ttouches\ther\tcheek\tgently\twith\tthe\tback\tof his\thand\tand\tshe\tfeels\tsick. You\tsee,\tI\tlove\tyou,\the\tsays.\tAnd\tI\tknow\tyou\tlove\tme. Horrified,\tshe\tpulls\taway\tfrom\thim,\tstriking\tthe\tback\tof\ther\thead\ton\tthe wall.\t She\t scrabbles\t with\t her\t bound\t wrists\t to\t pull\t the\t blindfold\t back\t from her\teyes,\tmanaging\tto\tlift\tit\tfar\tenough\tso\tthat\tshe\tcan\tsee. What\u2019s\twrong?\the\tsays. Untie\tme. Marianne. Untie\tme\tnow\tor\tI\u2019ll\tcall\tthe\tpolice,\tshe\tsays. This\tdoesn\u2019t\tseem\ta\tparticularly\trealistic\tthreat,\tsince\ther\thands\tare\tstill bound,\t but\t maybe\t sensing\t that\t the\t mood\t has\t changed,\t Lukas\t starts\t to unwrap\tthe\tcloth\tfrom\ther\twrists.\tShe\u2019s\tshivering\tviolently\tnow.\tAs\tsoon\tas the\tbinding\tis\tloose\tenough\tthat\tshe\tcan\tdraw\ther\tarms\tapart,\tshe\tdoes.\tShe pulls\tthe\tblindfold\toff\tand\tgrabs\ther\tsweater,\ttugs\tit\tover\ther\thead,\tthreads her\t arms\t through\t the\t sleeves.\t She\u2019s\t standing\t up\t straight\t now,\t feet\t on\t the mattress.","Why\tare\tyou\tacting\tlike\tthis?\the\tsays. Get\taway\tfrom\tme.\tDon\u2019t\tever\ttalk\tto\tme\tlike\tthat\tagain. Like\twhat?\tWhat\tdid\tI\tsay? She\t takes\t her\t bra\t from\t the\t mattress,\t crumples\t it\t in\t her\t hand\t and\t walks across\t the\t room\t to\t thrust\t it\t down\t into\t her\t handbag.\t She\t starts\t to\t pull\t her boots\ton,\thopping\tstupidly\ton\tone\tfoot. Marianne,\the\tsays.\tWhat\thave\tI\tdone? Are\tyou\tbeing\tserious\tor\tis\tthis\tsome\tkind\tof\tartistic\ttechnique? All\tof\tlife\tis\tan\tartistic\ttechnique. She\t stares\t at\t him.\t Improbably,\t he\t follows\t this\t remark\t up\t with:\t I\t think you\tare\ta\tvery\tgifted\twriter.\tShe\tlaughs,\tout\tof\thorror. You\tdon\u2019t\tfeel\tthe\tsame\tway\tfor\tme,\the\tsays. I\twant\tto\tbe\tvery\tclear,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tfeel\tnothing\tfor\tyou.\tNothing.\tOkay? He\t returns\t to\t his\t camera,\t back\t turned\t to\t her,\t as\t if\t to\t disguise\t some expression.\t Malicious\t laughter\t at\t her\t distress?\t she\t thinks.\t Rage?\t He\t could not,\t it\u2019s\t too\t appalling\t to\t consider,\t actually\t have\t hurt\t feelings?\t He\t starts\t to remove\tthe\tdevice\tfrom\tthe\ttripod.\tShe\topens\tthe\tdoor\tof\tthe\tapartment\tand makes\ther\tway\tdown\tthe\tstaircase.\tCould\the\treally\tdo\tthe\tgruesome\tthings he\tdoes\tto\ther\tand\tbelieve\tat\tthe\tsame\ttime\tthat\the\u2019s\tacting\tout\tof\tlove?\tIs the\tworld\tsuch\tan\tevil\tplace,\tthat\tlove\tshould\tbe\tindistinguishable\tfrom\tthe basest\t and\t most\t abusive\t forms\t of\t violence?\t Outside\t her\t breath\t rises\t in\t a fine\tmist\tand\tthe\tsnow\tkeeps\tfalling,\tlike\ta\tceaseless\trepetition\tof\tthe\tsame infinitesimally\tsmall\tmistake."]
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