["Three\tMonths\tLater (MARCH\t2014) In\tthe\twaiting\troom\the\thas\tto\tfill\tout\ta\tquestionnaire.\tThe\tseats\tare\tbrightly coloured,\tarranged\taround\ta\tcoffee\ttable\twith\ta\tchildren\u2019s\tabacus\ttoy\ton\tit. The\t coffee\t table\t is\t much\t too\t low\t for\t him\t to\t lean\t forward\t and\t fill\t out\t the pages\ton\tits\tsurface,\tso\the\tarranges\tthem\tawkwardly\tin\this\tlap\tinstead.\tOn the\tvery\tfirst\tquestion\the\tpierces\tthe\tpage\twith\this\tballpoint\tpen\tand\tleaves a\t tiny\t tear\t in\t the\t paper.\t He\t looks\t up\t at\t the\t receptionist\t who\t provided\t him with\t the\t form\t but\t she\u2019s\t not\t watching,\t so\t he\t looks\t back\t down\t again.\t The second\tquestion\tis\theaded\t\u2018Pessimism\u2019.\tHe\thas\tto\tcircle\tthe\tnumber\tbeside one\tof\tthe\tfollowing\tstatements: 0\tI\tam\tnot\tdiscouraged\tabout\tmy\tfuture 1\tI\tfeel\tmore\tdiscouraged\tabout\tmy\tfuture\tthan\tI\tused\tto\tbe 2\tI\tdo\tnot\texpect\tthings\tto\twork\tout\tfor\tme 3\tI\tfeel\tmy\tfuture\tis\thopeless\tand\twill\tonly\tget\tworse It\tseems\tto\thim\tthat\tany\tof\tthese\tstatements\tcould\tplausibly\tbe\ttrue,\tor more\t than\t one\t of\t them\t could\t be\t true\t at\t the\t same\t time.\t He\t puts\t the\t end\t of his\t pen\t between\t his\t teeth.\t Reading\t the\t fourth\t sentence,\t which\t for\t some reason\tis\tlabelled\t\u20183\u2019,\tgives\tConnell\ta\tprickling\tfeeling\tinside\tthe\tsoft\ttissue of\t his\t nose,\t like\t the\t sentence\t is\t calling\t out\t to\t him.\t It\u2019s\t true,\t he\t feels\t his future\tis\thopeless\tand\twill\tonly\tget\tworse.\tThe\tmore\the\tthinks\tabout\tit,\tthe more\tit\tresonates.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t\teven\thave\tto\tthink\tabout\tit,\tbecause\the\tfeels it:\tits\tsyntax\tseems\tto\thave\toriginated\tinside\thim.\tHe\trubs\this\ttongue\thard on\t the\t roof\t of\t his\t mouth,\t trying\t to\t settle\t his\t face\t into\t a\t neutral\t frown\t of concentration.\t Not\t wanting\t to\t alarm\t the\t woman\t who\t will\t receive\t the questionnaire,\the\tcircles\tstatement\t2\tinstead. It\t was\t Niall\t who\t told\t him\t about\t the\t service.\t What\t he\t said\t specifically was:\t It\u2019s\t free,\t so\t you\t might\t as\t well.\t Niall\t is\t a\t practical\t person,\t and\t he shows\t compassion\t in\t practical\t ways.\t Connell\t hasn\u2019t\t been\t seeing\t much\t of him\t lately,\t because\t Connell\t lives\t in\t his\t scholarship\t accommodation\t now and\tdoesn\u2019t\tsee\tmuch\tof\tanyone\tanymore.\tLast\tnight\the\tspent\tan\thour\tand\ta half\tlying\ton\tthe\tfloor\tof\this\troom,\tbecause\the\twas\ttoo\ttired\tto\tcomplete\tthe journey\t from\t his\t en\t suite\t back\t to\t his\t bed.\t There\t was\t the\t en\t suite,\t behind him,\t and\t there\t was\t the\t bed,\t in\t front\t of\t him,\t both\t well\t within\t view,\t but somehow\t it\t was\t impossible\t to\t move\t either\t forward\t or\t backwards,\t only downwards,\t onto\t the\t floor,\t until\t his\t body\t was\t arranged\t motionless\t on\t the carpet.\tWell,\there\tI\tam\ton\tthe\tfloor,\the\tthought.\tIs\tlife\tso\tmuch\tworse\there","than\tit\twould\tbe\ton\tthe\tbed,\tor\teven\tin\ta\ttotally\tdifferent\tlocation?\tNo,\tlife is\t exactly\t the\t same.\t Life\t is\t the\t thing\t you\t bring\t with\t you\t inside\t your\t own head.\tI\tmight\tas\twell\tbe\tlying\there,\tbreathing\tthe\tvile\tdust\tof\tthe\tcarpet\tinto my\tlungs,\tgradually\tfeeling\tmy\tright\tarm\tgo\tnumb\tunder\tthe\tweight\tof\tmy body,\tbecause\tit\u2019s\tessentially\tthe\tsame\tas\tevery\tother\tpossible\texperience. 0\tI\tfeel\tthe\tsame\tabout\tmyself\tas\tever 1\tI\thave\tlost\tconfidence\tin\tmyself 2\tI\tam\tdisappointed\tin\tmyself 3\tI\tdislike\tmyself He\t looks\t up\t at\t the\t woman\t behind\t the\t glass.\t It\t strikes\t him\t now\t for\t the first\t time\t that\t they\u2019ve\t placed\t a\t glass\t screen\t between\t this\t woman\t and\t the people\tin\tthe\twaiting\troom.\tDo\tthey\timagine\tthat\tpeople\tlike\tConnell\tpose a\t risk\t to\t the\t woman\t behind\t the\t glass?\t Do\t they\t imagine\t that\t the\t students who\tcome\tin\there\tand\tpatiently\tfill\tout\tthe\tquestionnaires,\twho\trepeat\ttheir own\tnames\tagain\tand\tagain\tfor\tthe\twoman\tto\ttype\tinto\ther\tcomputer\t\u2013\tdo they\timagine\tthat\tthese\tpeople\twant\tto\thurt\tthe\twoman\tbehind\tthe\tdesk?\tDo they\tthink\tthat\tbecause\tConnell\tsometimes\tlies\ton\this\town\tfloor\tfor\thours, he\t might\t one\t day\t purchase\t a\t semi-automatic\t machine\t gun\t online\t and commit\tmass\tmurder\tin\ta\tshopping\tcentre?\tNothing\tcould\tbe\tfurther\tfrom his\tmind\tthan\tcommitting\tmass\tmurder.\tHe\tfeels\tguilty\tafter\the\tstammers\ta word\t on\t the\t phone.\t Still,\t he\t can\t see\t the\t logic:\t mentally\t unhealthy\t people are\tcontaminated\tin\tsome\tway\tand\tpossibly\tdangerous.\tIf\tthey\tdon\u2019t\tattack the\t woman\t behind\t the\t desk\t due\t to\t uncontrollable\t violent\t impulses,\t they might\t breathe\t some\t kind\t of\t microbe\t in\t her\t direction,\t causing\t her\t to\t dwell unhealthily\t on\t all\t the\t failed\t relationships\t in\t her\t past.\t He\t circles\t 3\t and moves\ton. 0\tI\tdon\u2019t\thave\tany\tthoughts\tof\tkilling\tmyself 1\tI\thave\tthoughts\tof\tkilling\tmyself,\tbut\tI\twould\tnot\tcarry\tthem\tout 2\tI\twould\tlike\tto\tkill\tmyself 3\tI\twould\tkill\tmyself\tif\tI\thad\tthe\tchance He\tglances\tback\tover\tat\tthe\twoman\tagain.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t\twant\tto\tconfess\tto her,\ta\ttotal\tstrangParaer,\tthat\the\twould\tlike\tto\tkill\thimself.\tLast\tnight\ton\tthe floor\the\tfantasised\tabout\tlying\tcompletely\tstill\tuntil\the\tdied\tof\tdehydration, however\t long\t that\t took.\t Days\t maybe,\t but\t relaxing\t days\t in\t which\t he wouldn\u2019t\t have\t to\t do\t anything\t or\t focus\t very\t hard.\t Who\t would\t find\t his body?\tHe\tdidn\u2019t\tcare.\tThe\tfantasy,\tpurified\tby\tweeks\tof\trepetition,\tends\tat the\tmoment\tof\tdeath:\tthe\tcalm,\tsilent\teyelid\tthat\tcloses\tover\teverything\tfor","good.\tHe\tcircles\tstatement\t1. After\t completing\t the\t rest\t of\t the\t questions,\t all\t of\t which\t are\t intensely personal\t and\t the\t last\t one\t is\t about\t his\t sex\t life,\t he\t folds\t the\t pages\t over\t and hands\t them\t back\t to\t the\t receptionist.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t know\t what\t to\t expect, handing\t over\t this\t extremely\t sensitive\t information\t to\t a\t stranger.\t He swallows\tand\this\tthroat\tis\tso\ttight\tit\thurts.\tThe\twoman\ttakes\tthe\tsheets\tlike he\u2019s\t handing\t over\t a\t delayed\t college\t assignment\t and\t gives\t him\t a\t bland, cheerful\t smile.\t Thanks,\t she\t says.\t You\t can\t wait\t for\t the\t counsellor\t to\t call you\t now.\t He\t stands\t there\t limply.\t In\t her\t hand\t she\t holds\t the\t most\t deeply private\t information\t he\t has\t ever\t shared\t with\t anyone.\t Seeing\t her nonchalance,\t he\t experiences\t an\t impulse\t to\t ask\t for\t it\t back,\t as\t if\t he\t must have\tmisunderstood\tthe\tnature\tof\tthis\texchange,\tand\tmaybe\the\tshould\tfill\tit out\tdifferently\tafter\tall.\tInstead\the\tsays:\tOkay.\tHe\tsits\tdown\tagain. For\t a\t while\t nothing\t happens.\t His\t stomach\t is\t making\t a\t low\t whining noise\t now\t because\t he\t hasn\u2019t\t eaten\t breakfast.\t Lately\t he\u2019s\t too\t tired\t to\t cook for\thimself\tin\tthe\tevenings,\tso\the\tfinds\thimself\tsigning\tin\tfor\tdinner\ton\tthe scholars\u2019\twebsite\tand\teating\tCommons\tin\tthe\tDining\tHall.\tBefore\tthe\tmeal everyone\tstands\tfor\tgrace,\twhich\tis\trecited\tin\tLatin.\tThen\tthe\tfood\tis\tserved by\t other\t students,\t who\t are\t dressed\t all\t in\t black\t to\t differentiate\t them\t from the\t otherwise\t identical\t students\t who\t are\t being\t served.\t The\t meals\t are always\tthe\tsame:\tsalty\torange\tsoup\tto\tstart,\twith\ta\tbread\troll\tand\ta\tsquare of\tbutter\twrapped\tin\tfoil.\tThen\ta\tpiece\tof\tmeat\tin\tgravy,\twith\tsilver\tdishes of\tpotatoes\tpassed\taround.\tThen\tdessert,\tsome\tkind\tof\twet\tsugary\tcake,\tor the\t fruit\t salad\t which\t is\t mostly\t grapes.\t These\t are\t all\t served\t rapidly\t and whisked\taway\trapidly,\twhile\tportraits\tof\tmen\tfrom\tdifferent\tcenturies\tglare down\t from\t the\t walls\t in\t expensive\t regalia.\t Eating\t alone\t like\t this, overhearing\tthe\tconversations\tof\tothers\tbut\tunable\tto\tjoin\tin,\tConnell\tfeels profoundly\tand\talmost\tunendurably\talienated\tfrom\this\town\tbody.\tAfter\tthe meal\t another\t grace\t is\t recited,\t with\t the\t ugly\t noise\t of\t chairs\t pulled\t back from\t tables.\t By\t seven\t he\t has\t emerged\t into\t the\t darkness\t of\t Front\t Square, and\tthe\tlamps\thave\tbeen\tlit. A\t middle-aged\t woman\t comes\t out\t to\t the\t waiting\t room\t now,\t wearing\t a long\t grey\t cardigan,\t and\t says:\t Connell?\t He\t tries\t to\t contort\t his\t face\t into\t a smile,\tand\tthen,\tgiving\tup,\trubs\this\tjaw\twith\this\thand\tinstead,\tnodding.\tMy name\tis\tYvonne,\tshe\tsays.\tWould\tyou\tlike\tto\tcome\twith\tme?\tHe\trises\tfrom the\t couch\t and\t follows\t her\t into\t a\t small\t office.\t She\t closes\t the\t door\t behind them.\t On\t one\t side\t of\t the\t office\t is\t a\t desk\t with\t an\t ancient\t Microsoft computer\t humming\t audibly;\t on\t the\t other\t side,\t two\t low\t mint-coloured armchairs\t facing\t one\t another.\t Now\t then,\t Connell,\t she\t says.\t You\t can\t sit down\t wherever\t you\t like.\t He\t sits\t on\t the\t chair\t facing\t the\t window,\t out\t of","which\t he\t can\t see\t the\t back\t of\t a\t concrete\t building\t and\t a\t rusting\t drainpipe. She\t sits\t down\t opposite\t him\t and\t picks\t up\t a\t pair\t of\t glasses\t from\t a\t chain around\t her\t neck.\t She\t fixes\t them\t on\t her\t face\t and\t looks\t down\t at\t her clipboard. Okay,\tshe\tsays.\tWhy\tdon\u2019t\twe\ttalk\tabout\thow\tyou\u2019re\tfeeling? Yeah.\tNot\tgreat. I\u2019m\tsorry\tto\thear\tthat.\tWhen\tdid\tyou\tstart\tfeeling\tthis\tway? Uh,\the\tsays.\tA\tcouple\tof\tmonths\tago.\tJanuary,\tI\tsuppose. She\t clicks\t a\t pen\t and\t writes\t something\t down.\t January,\t she\t says.\t Okay. Did\tsomething\thappen\tthen,\tor\tit\tjust\tcame\ton\tout\tof\tnowhere? A\tfew\tdays\tinto\tthe\tnew\tyear,\tConnell\tgot\ta\ttext\tmessage\tfrom\tRachel Moran.\t It\t was\t two\t o\u2019clock\t in\t the\t morning\t then,\t and\t he\t and\t Helen\t were coming\tback\tfrom\ta\tnight\tout.\tAngling\this\tphone\taway,\the\topened\tthe\ttext: it\t was\t a\t group\t message\t that\t went\t out\t to\t all\t their\t school\t friends,\t asking\t if anyone\t had\t seen\t or\t been\t in\t contact\t with\t Rob\t Hegarty.\t It\t said\t he\t hadn\u2019t been\tseen\tfor\ta\tfew\thours.\tHelen\tasked\thim\twhat\tthe\ttext\tsaid\tand\tfor\tsome reason\t Connell\t replied:\t Oh,\t nothing,\t just\t a\t group\t message.\t Happy\t New Year.\tThe\tnext\tday\tRob\u2019s\tbody\twas\trecovered\tfrom\tthe\tRiver\tCorrib. Connell\tlater\theard\tfrom\tfriends\tthat\tRob\thad\tbeen\tdrinking\ta\tlot\tin\tthe preceding\t weeks\t and\t seemed\t out\t of\t sorts.\t Connell\t hadn\u2019t\t known\t anything about\tit,\the\thadn\u2019t\tbeen\thome\tmuch\tlast\tterm,\the\thadn\u2019t\treally\tbeen\tseeing people.\tHe\tchecked\this\tFacebook\tto\tfind\tthe\tlast\ttime\tRob\thad\tsent\thim\ta message,\t and\t it\t was\t from\t early\t 2012:\t a\t photograph\t from\t a\t night\t out, Connell\t pictured\t with\t his\t arm\t around\t the\t waist\t of\t Marianne\u2019s\t friend Teresa.\t In\t the\t message\t Rob\t had\t written:\t are\t u\t riding\t her??\t NICE\t haha. Connell\t had\t never\t replied.\t He\t hadn\u2019t\t seen\t Rob\t at\t Christmas,\t he\t couldn\u2019t remember\t for\t certain\t whether\t he\u2019d\t even\t seen\t him\t last\t summer\t or\t not. Trying\t to\t summon\t an\t exact\t mental\t picture\t of\t Rob\u2019s\t face,\t Connell\t found that\the\tcouldn\u2019t:\t an\t image\t would\t appear\t at\t first,\t whole\t and\t recognisable, but\t on\t any\t closer\t inspection\t the\t features\t would\t float\t away\t from\t one another,\tblur,\tbecome\tconfused. In\t the\t following\t days,\t people\t from\t school\t posted\t status\t updates\t about suicide\t awareness.\t Since\t then\t Connell\u2019s\t mental\t state\t has\t steadily,\t week after\t week,\t continued\t to\t deteriorate.\t His\t anxiety,\t which\t was\t previously chronic\t and\t low-level,\t serving\t as\t a\t kind\t of\t all-purpose\t inhibiting\t impulse, has\tbecome\tsevere.\tHis\thands\tstart\ttingling\twhen\the\thas\tto\tperform\tminor interactions\t like\t ordering\t coffee\t or\t answering\t a\t question\t in\t class.\t Once\t or twice\t he\u2019s\t had\t major\t panic\t attacks:\t hyperventilation,\t chest\t pain,\t pins\t and","needles\t all\t over\t his\t body.\t A\t feeling\t of\t dissociation\t from\t his\t senses,\t an inability\tto\tthink\tstraight\tor\tinterpret\twhat\the\tsees\tand\thears.\tThings\tbegin to\t look\t and\t sound\t different,\t slower,\t artificial,\t unreal.\t The\t first\t time\t it happened\t he\t thought\t he\t was\t losing\t his\t mind,\t that\t the\t whole\t cognitive framework\t by\t which\t he\t made\t sense\t of\t the\t world\t had\t disintegrated\t for good,\t and\t everything\t from\t then\t on\t would\t just\t be\t undifferentiated\t sound and\tcolour.\tThen\twithin\ta\tcouple\tof\tminutes\tit\tpassed,\tand\tleft\thim\tlying\ton his\tmattress\tcoated\tin\tsweat. Now\t he\t looks\t up\t at\t Yvonne,\t the\t person\t assigned\t by\t the\t university\t to listen\tto\this\tproblems\tfor\tmoney. One\tof\tmy\tfriends\tcommitted\tsuicide\tin\tJanuary,\the\tsays.\tA\tfriend\tfrom school. Oh,\thow\tsad.\tI\u2019m\tvery\tsorry\tto\thear\tthat,\tConnell. We\thadn\u2019t\treally\tkept\tup\twith\teach\tother\tin\tcollege.\tHe\twas\tin\tGalway and\t I\t was\t here\t and\t everything.\t I\t guess\t I\t feel\t guilty\t now\t that\t I\t wasn\u2019t\t in touch\twith\thim\tmore. I\t can\t understand\t that,\t Yvonne\t says.\t But\t however\t sad\t you\t might\t be feeling\t about\t your\t friend,\t what\t happened\t to\t him\t is\t not\t your\t fault.\t You\u2019re not\tresponsible\tfor\tthe\tdecisions\the\tmade. I\t never\t even\t replied\t to\t the\t last\t message\t he\t sent\t me.\t I\t mean,\t that\t was years\tago,\tbut\tI\tdidn\u2019t\teven\treply. I\tknow\tthat\tmust\tfeel\tvery\tpainful\tfor\tyou,\tof\tcourse\tthat\u2019s\tvery\tpainful. You\tfeel\tyou\tmissed\tan\topportunity\tto\thelp\tsomeone\twho\twas\tsuffering. Connell\tnods,\tdumbly,\tand\trubs\this\teye. When\t you\t lose\t someone\t to\t suicide,\t it\u2019s\t natural\t to\t wonder\t if\t there\u2019s anything\t you\t could\t have\t done\t to\t help\t this\t person,\t Yvonne\t says.\t I\u2019m\t sure everyone\tin\tyour\tfriend\u2019s\tlife\tis\tasking\tthemselves\tthe\tsame\tquestions\tnow. But\tat\tleast\tother\tpeople\ttried\tto\thelp. This\tsounds\tmore\taggressive,\tor\tmore\twheedling,\tthan\tConnell\tintended it\t to.\t He\u2019s\t surprised\t to\t see\t that\t instead\t of\t responding\t directly,\t Yvonne\t just looks\t at\t him,\t looks\t through\t the\t lenses\t of\t her\t glasses,\t and\t her\t eyes\t are narrowed.\t She\u2019s\t nodding.\t Then\t she\t lifts\t a\t sheaf\t of\t paper\t off\t the\t table\t and holds\tit\tupright,\tbusinesslike. Well,\t I\u2019ve\t had\t a\t look\t at\t this\t inventory\t you\t filled\t out\t for\t us,\t she\t says. And\tI\u2019ll\tbe\thonest\twith\tyou,\tConnell,\twhat\tI\u2019m\tseeing\there\twould\tbe\tpretty concerning.","Right.\tWould\tit? She\tshuffles\tthe\tsheets\tof\tpaper.\tHe\tcan\tsee\ton\tthe\tfirst\tsheet\twhere\this pen\tmade\tthe\tsmall\ttear. This\tis\twhat\twe\tcall\tthe\tBeck\tDepression\tInventory,\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tsure you\u2019ve\tfigured\tout\thow\tit\tworks,\twe\tjust\tassign\ta\tscore\tfrom\tzero\tto\tthree for\t each\t item.\t Now,\t someone\t like\t me\t might\t score\t between,\t say,\t zero\t and five\ton\ta\ttest\tlike\tthis,\tand\tsomeone\twho\u2019s\tgoing\tthrough\ta\tmild\tdepressive episode\tcould\texpect\tto\tsee\ta\tscore\tof\tmaybe\tfifteen\tor\tsixteen. Okay,\the\tsays.\tRight. And\twhat\twe\u2019re\tseeing\there\tis\ta\tscore\tof\tforty-three. Yeah.\tOkay. So\t that\t would\t put\t us\t in\t the\t territory\t of\t a\t very\t serious\t depression,\t she says.\tDo\tyou\tthink\tthat\tmatches\tup\twith\tyour\texperience? He\trubs\tat\this\teye\tagain.\tQuietly\the\tmanages\tto\tsay:\tYeah. I\u2019m\t seeing\t that\t you\u2019re\t feeling\t very\t negatively\t towards\t yourself,\t you\u2019re having\t some\t suicidal\t thoughts,\t things\t like\t that.\t So\t those\t are\t things\t we\u2019d have\tto\ttake\tvery\tseriously. Right. At\t this\t point\t she\t starts\t talking\t about\t treatment\t options.\t She\t says\t she\u2019s going\t to\t recommend\t that\t he\t should\t see\t a\t GP\t in\t college\t to\t talk\t about\t the option\t of\t medication.\t You\t understand\t I\u2019m\t not\t in\t a\t position\t to\t make\t any prescriptions\t here,\t she\t says.\t He\t nods,\t restless\t now.\t Yeah,\t I\t know\t that,\t he says.\tHe\tkeeps\trubbing\tat\this\teyes,\tthey\u2019re\titchy.\tShe\toffers\thim\ta\tglass\tof water\tbut\the\tdeclines.\tShe\tstarts\tto\task\tquestions\tabout\this\tfamily,\tabout\this mother\tand\twhere\tshe\tlives\tand\twhether\the\thas\tbrothers\tand\tsisters. Any\tgirlfriend\tor\tboyfriend\ton\tthe\tscene\tat\tthe\tmoment?\tYvonne\tsays. No,\tsays\tConnell.\tNo\tone\tlike\tthat. * Helen\t came\t back\t to\t Carricklea\t with\t him\t for\t the\t funeral.\t The\t morning\t of the\tceremony\tthey\tdressed\tin\this\troom\ttogether\tin\tsilence,\twith\tthe\tnoise\tof Lorraine\u2019s\t hairdryer\t humming\t through\t the\t wall.\t Connell\t was\t wearing\t the only\tsuit\the\towned,\twhich\the\thad\tbought\tfor\ta\tcousin\u2019s\tcommunion\twhen he\t was\t sixteen.\t The\t jacket\t was\t tight\t around\t his\t shoulders,\t he\t could\t feel\t it when\the\tlifted\this\tarms.\tThe\tsensation\tthat\the\tlooked\tbad\tpreoccupied\thim. Helen\twas\tsitting\tat\tthe\tmirror\tputting\ton\ther\tmake-up,\tand\tConnell\tstood behind\t her\t to\t knot\t his\t tie.\t She\t reached\t up\t to\t touch\t his\t face.\t You\t look","handsome,\t she\t said.\t For\t some\t reason\t that\t made\t him\t angry,\t like\t it\t was\t the most\t insensitive,\t vulgar\t thing\t she\t possibly\t could\t have\t said,\t and\t he\t didn\u2019t respond.\tShe\tdropped\ther\thand\tthen\tand\twent\tto\tput\ther\tshoes\ton. They\t stopped\t in\t the\t vestibule\t of\t the\t church\t to\t speak\t to\t someone Lorraine\tknew.\tConnell\u2019s\thair\twas\twet\tfrom\tthe\train\tand\the\tkept\tsmoothing it,\t not\t looking\t at\t Helen,\t not\t speaking.\t Then,\t through\t the\t opened\t church doors,\t he\t saw\t Marianne.\t He\u2019d\t known\t she\t was\t coming\t back\t from\t Sweden for\t the\t funeral.\t In\t the\t doorway\t she\t looked\t very\t slim\t and\t pale,\t wearing\t a black\t coat,\t carrying\t a\t wet\t umbrella.\t He\t hadn\u2019t\t seen\t her\t since\t Italy.\t She looked,\t he\t thought,\t almost\t frail.\t She\t started\t putting\t her\t umbrella\t in\t the stand\tinside\tthe\tdoor. Marianne,\the\tsaid. He\tsaid\tthis\taloud\twithout\tthinking\tabout\tit.\tShe\tlooked\tup\tand\tsaw\thim then.\t Her\t face\t was\t like\t a\t small\t white\t flower.\t She\t put\t her\t arms\t around\t his neck,\tand\the\theld\ther\ttightly.\tHe\tcould\tsmell\tthe\tinside\tof\ther\thouse\ton\ther clothes.\tThe\tlast\ttime\the\u2019d\tseen\ther,\teverything\thad\tbeen\tnormal.\tRob\twas still\talive\tthen,\tConnell\tcould\thave\tsent\thim\ta\tmessage\tor\teven\tcalled\thim and\ttalked\tto\thim\ton\tthe\tphone,\tit\twas\tpossible\tthen,\tit\thad\tbeen\tpossible. Marianne\t touched\t the\t back\t of\t Connell\u2019s\t head\t with\t her\t hand.\t Everyone stood\tthere\twatching\tthem,\the\tfelt\tthat.\tWhen\tthey\tknew\tit\tcouldn\u2019t\tgo\ton any\tlonger,\tthey\tlet\tgo\tof\tone\tanother.\tHelen\tpatted\this\tarm\tquickly.\tPeople were\t moving\t in\t and\t out\t of\t the\t vestibule,\t coats\t and\t umbrellas\t dripping silently\tonto\tthe\ttiles. We\u2019d\tbetter\tgo\tand\tpay\tour\trespects,\tLorraine\tsaid. They\tlined\tup\twith\teveryone\telse\tto\tshake\thands\twith\tthe\tfamily.\tRob\u2019s mother\t Eileen\t was\t just\t crying\t and\t crying,\t they\t could\t hear\t her\t the\t whole way\tdown\tthe\tchurch.\tBy\tthe\ttime\tthey\tgot\thalfway\tup\tthe\tqueue\tConnell\u2019s legs\t were\t shaking.\t He\t wished\t Lorraine\t were\t standing\t with\t him\t and\t not Helen.\t He\t felt\t like\t he\t was\t going\t to\t be\t sick.\t When\t it\t was\t finally\t his\t turn, Rob\u2019s\t father\t Val\t gripped\t his\t hand\t and\t said:\t Connell,\t good\t man.\t I\t hear you\u2019re\t doing\t great\t things\t above\t in\t Trinity.\t Connell\u2019s\t hands\t were\t wringing wet.\t I\u2019m\t sorry,\t he\t said\t in\t a\t thin\t voice.\t I\u2019m\t so\t sorry.\t Val\t kept\t gripping\t his hand\tand\tlooking\tin\this\teyes.\tGood\tlad,\the\tsaid.\tThanks\tfor\tcoming.\tThen it\twas\tover.\tConnell\tsat\tdown\tin\tthe\tfirst\tavailable\tpew,\tshivering\tall\tover. Helen\t sat\t down\t beside\t him,\t looking\t self-conscious,\t pulling\t at\t the\t hem\t of her\tskirt.\tLorraine\tcame\tover\tand\tgave\thim\ta\ttissue\tfrom\ther\thandbag,\twith which\the\twiped\this\tforehead\tand\this\tupper\tlip.\tShe\tsqueezed\this\tshoulder. You\u2019re\t alright,\t she\t said.\t You\u2019ve\t done\t your\t bit,\t just\t relax\t now.\t And\t Helen turned\ther\tface\taway,\tas\tif\tembarrassed.","After\t Mass\t they\t went\t to\t the\t burial,\t and\t then\t back\t to\t the\t Tavern\t to\t eat sandwiches\t and\t drink\t tea\t in\t the\t ballroom.\t Behind\t the\t bar\t a\t girl\t from\t the year\t below\t in\t school\t was\t dressed\t in\t a\t white\t shirt\t and\t waistcoat,\t serving pints.\t Connell\t poured\t Helen\t a\t cup\t of\t tea\t and\t then\t one\t for\t himself.\t They stood\tby\tthe\twall\tnear\tthe\ttea\ttrays,\tdrinking\tand\tnot\ttalking.\tConnell\u2019s\tcup rattled\t in\t its\t saucer.\t Eric\t came\t over\t and\t stood\t with\t them\t when\t he\t arrived. He\twas\twearing\ta\tshiny\tblue\ttie. How\tare\tthings?\tEric\tsaid.\tLong\ttime\tno\tsee. I\tknow,\tyeah,\tsaid\tConnell.\tIt\u2019s\tbeen\ta\tfair\twhile\talright. Who\u2019s\tthis?\tEric\tsaid,\tnodding\tat\tHelen. Helen,\tsaid\tConnell.\tHelen,\tthis\tis\tEric. Eric\theld\tout\this\thand\tand\tHelen\tshook\tit,\tbalancing\ther\tteacup\tpolitely in\ther\tleft\thand,\ther\tface\ttensed\tin\teffort. The\tgirlfriend,\tis\tit?\tEric\tsaid. With\ta\tglance\tat\tConnell\tshe\tnodded\tand\treplied:\tYes. Eric\treleased\ther,\tgrinning.\tYou\u2019re\ta\tDub\tanyway,\the\tsaid. She\tsmiled\tnervously\tand\tsaid:\tThat\u2019s\tright. Must\tbe\tyour\tfault\tthis\tlad\tnever\tcomes\thome\tanymore,\tEric\tsaid. It\u2019s\tnot\ther\tfault,\tit\u2019s\tmy\tfault,\tsaid\tConnell. I\u2019m\tonly\tmessing\twith\tyou,\tEric\tsaid. For\ta\tfew\tseconds\tthey\tstood\tlooking\tout\tat\tthe\troom\tin\tsilence.\tHelen cleared\t her\t throat\t and\t said\t delicately:\t I\u2019m\t very\t sorry\t for\t your\t loss,\t Eric. Eric\tturned\tand\tgave\ther\ta\tkind\tof\tgallant\tnod.\tHe\tlooked\tback\tat\tthe\troom again.\t Yeah,\t hard\t to\t believe,\t he\t said.\t Then\t he\t poured\t himself\t a\t cup\t of\t tea from\t the\t pot\t behind\t them.\t Good\t of\t Marianne\t to\t come,\t he\t remarked.\t I thought\tshe\twas\toff\tin\tSweden\tor\tsomeplace. She\twas,\tsaid\tConnell.\tShe\u2019s\thome\tfor\tthe\tfuneral. She\u2019s\tgone\tvery\tthin,\tisn\u2019t\tshe? Eric\t took\t a\t large\t mouthful\t of\t tea\t and\t swallowed\t it,\t smacking\t his\t lips. Marianne,\t detaching\t herself\t from\t another\t conversation,\t made\t her\t way towards\tthe\ttea\ttray. Here\u2019s\t herself,\t said\t Eric.\t You\u2019re\t very\t good\t to\t come\t all\t the\t way\t back from\tSweden,\tMarianne. She\t thanked\t him\t and\t started\t to\t pour\t a\t cup\t of\t tea,\t saying\t it\t was\t nice\t to","see\thim. Have\tyou\tmet\tHelen\there?\tEric\tasked. Marianne\tput\ther\tteacup\tdown\tin\ther\tsaucer.\tOf\tcourse\tI\thave,\tshe\tsaid. We\u2019re\tin\tcollege\ttogether. All\tfriendly,\tI\thope,\tsaid\tEric.\tNo\trivalry,\tI\tmean. Behave\tyourself\tnow,\tsaid\tMarianne. Connell\twatched\tMarianne\tpouring\tthe\ttea,\ther\tsmiling\tmanner,\t\u2018behave yourself\u2019,\t and\t he\t felt\t in\t awe\t of\t her\t naturalness,\t her\t easy\t way\t of\t moving through\t the\t world.\t It\t hadn\u2019t\t been\t like\t that\t in\t school,\t quite\t the\t opposite. Back\tthen\tConnell\thad\tbeen\tthe\tone\twho\tunderstood\thow\tto\tbehave,\twhile Marianne\thad\tjust\taggravated\teveryone. After\tthe\tfuneral\the\tcried,\tbut\tthe\tcrying\tfelt\tlike\tnothing.\tBack\tin\tfifth year\twhen\tConnell\thad\tscored\ta\tgoal\tfor\tthe\tschool\tfootball\tteam,\tRob\thad leapt\t onto\t the\t pitch\t to\t embrace\t him.\t He\t screamed\t Connell\u2019s\t name,\t and began\tto\tkiss\this\thead\twith\twild\texuberant\tkisses.\tIt\twas\tonly\tone-all,\tand there\t were\t still\t twenty\t minutes\t left\t on\t the\t clock.\t But\t that\t was\t their\t world then.\t Their\t feelings\t were\t suppressed\t so\t carefully\t in\t everyday\t life,\t forced into\t smaller\t and\t smaller\t spaces,\t until\t seemingly\t minor\t events\t took\t on insane\tand\tfrightening\tsignificance.\tIt\twas\tpermissible\tto\ttouch\teach\tother and\tcry\tduring\tfootball\tmatches.\tConnell\tstill\tremembers\tthe\ttoo-hard\tgrip of\t his\t arms.\t And\t on\t Debs\t night,\t Rob\t showing\t them\t those\t photographs\t of Lisa\u2019s\t naked\t body.\t Nothing\t had\t meant\t more\t to\t Rob\t than\t the\t approval\t of others;\t to\t be\t thought\t well\t of,\t to\t be\t a\t person\t of\t status.\t He\t would\t have betrayed\t any\t confidence,\t any\t kindness,\t for\t the\t promise\t of\t social acceptance.\t Connell\t couldn\u2019t\t judge\t him\t for\t that.\t He\u2019d\t been\t the\t same\t way himself,\tor\tworse.\tHe\thad\tjust\twanted\tto\tbe\tnormal,\tto\tconceal\tthe\tparts\tof himself\t that\t he\t found\t shameful\t and\t confusing.\t It\t was\t Marianne\t who\t had shown\thim\tother\tthings\twere\tpossible.\tLife\twas\tdifferent\tafter\tthat;\tmaybe he\thad\tnever\tunderstood\thow\tdifferent\tit\twas. The\t night\t of\t the\t funeral\t he\t and\t Helen\t lay\t in\t his\t room\t in\t the\t dark,\t not sleeping.\t Helen\t asked\t him\t why\t he\t hadn\u2019t\t introduced\t her\t to\t any\t of\t his friends.\tShe\twas\twhispering\tso\tas\tnot\tto\twake\tLorraine. I\tintroduced\tyou\tto\tEric,\tdidn\u2019t\tI?\tConnell\tsaid. Only\t after\t he\t asked.\t To\t be\t honest,\t you\t didn\u2019t\t seem\t like\t you\t really wanted\thim\tto\tmeet\tme. Connell\t closed\t his\t eyes.\t It\t was\t a\t funeral,\t he\t said.\t You\t know,\t someone just\tdied.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tit\u2019s\treally\ta\tgood\toccasion\tfor\tmeeting\tpeople.","Well,\tif\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tme\tto\tcome\tyou\tshouldn\u2019t\thave\tasked\tme,\tshe said. He\t breathed\t in\t and\t out\t slowly.\t Okay,\t he\t said.\t I\u2019m\t sorry\t I\t asked\t you, then. She\t sat\t upright\t in\t bed\t beside\t him.\t What\t does\t that\t mean?\t she\t said. You\u2019re\tsorry\tI\twas\tthere? No,\t I\u2019m\t saying\t if\t I\t gave\t you\t the\t wrong\t impression\t about\t what\t it\t was going\tto\tbe\tlike,\tthen\tI\u2019m\tsorry. You\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tme\tthere\tat\tall,\tdid\tyou? I\t didn\u2019t\t want\t to\t be\t there\t myself,\t to\t be\t honest,\t he\t said.\t I\u2019m\t sorry\t you didn\u2019t\t have\t a\t good\t time,\t but\t like,\t it\t was\t a\t funeral.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t what\t you expected. She\tbreathed\tin\tquickly\tthrough\ther\tnose,\the\tcould\thear\tit. You\tweren\u2019t\tignoring\tMarianne,\tshe\tsaid. I\twasn\u2019t\tignoring\tanyone. But\tyou\tseemed\tparticularly\thappy\tto\tsee\ther,\twouldn\u2019t\tyou\tsay? For\tfuck\u2019s\tsake,\tHelen,\the\tsaid\tquietly. What? How\t does\t every\t argument\t come\t back\t to\t this?\t Our\t friend\t just\t killed himself\tand\tyou\twant\tto\tstart\tin\twith\tme\tabout\tMarianne,\tseriously?\tLike, yeah,\tI\twas\tglad\tto\tsee\ther,\tdoes\tthat\tmake\tme\ta\tmonster? When\t Helen\t spoke\t it\t was\t in\t a\t low\t hiss.\t I\u2019ve\t been\t very\t sympathetic about\tyour\tfriend\tand\tyou\tknow\tthat,\tshe\tsaid.\tBut\twhat\tdo\tyou\texpect\tme to\t do,\t just\t pretend\t I\t don\u2019t\t notice\t that\t you\u2019re\t staring\t at\t another\t woman\t in front\tof\tme? I\twas\tnot\tstaring\tat\ther. You\twere,\tin\tthe\tchurch. Well,\t it\t wasn\u2019t\t intentional,\t he\t said.\t Believe\t me,\t it\t was\t not\t a\t very\t sexy atmosphere\tfor\tme\tin\tthe\tchurch,\tokay?\tYou\tcan\ttrust\tme\ton\tthat. Why\tdo\tyou\thave\tto\tact\tso\tweird\taround\ther? He\t frowned,\t still\t lying\t with\t his\t eyes\t shut,\t face\t turned\t to\t the\t ceiling. How\t I\t act\t with\t her\t is\t my\t normal\t personality,\t he\t said.\t Maybe\t I\u2019m\t just\t a weird\tperson.","Helen\tsaid\tnothing.\tEventually\tshe\tjust\tlay\tback\tdown\tbeside\thim.\tTwo weeks\t later\t it\t was\t over,\t they\t broke\t up.\t By\t then\t Connell\t was\t so\t exhausted and\tmiserable\the\tcouldn\u2019t\teven\tsummon\tup\ta\tresponse.\tThings\thappened\tto him,\t like\t the\t crying\t fits,\t the\t panic\t attacks,\t but\t they\t seemed\t to\t descend\t on him\t from\t outside,\t rather\t than\t emanating\t from\t somewhere\t inside\t himself. Internally\t he\t felt\t nothing.\t He\t was\t like\t a\t freezer\t item\t that\t had\t thawed\t too quickly\t on\t the\t outside\t and\t was\t melting\t everywhere,\t while\t the\t inside\t was still\t frozen\t solid.\t Somehow\t he\t was\t expressing\t more\t emotion\t than\t at\t any time\tin\this\tlife\tbefore,\twhile\tsimultaneously\tfeeling\tless,\tfeeling\tnothing. * Yvonne\t nods\t slowly,\t moving\t her\t mouth\t around\t in\t a\t sympathetic\t way.\t Do you\t feel\t you\u2019ve\t made\t friends\t here\t in\t Dublin?\t she\t says.\t Anyone\t you\u2019re close\twith,\tthat\tyou\tmight\ttalk\tto\tabout\thow\tyou\u2019re\tfeeling? My\tfriend\tNiall,\tmaybe.\tHe\twas\tthe\tone\twho\ttold\tme\tabout\tthis\twhole thing. The\tcollege\tcounselling\tservice. Yeah,\tsays\tConnell. Well,\t that\u2019s\t good.\t He\u2019s\t looking\t out\t for\t you.\t Niall,\t okay.\t And\t he\u2019s\t here in\tTrinity\tas\twell. Connell\tcoughs,\tclearing\tthe\tdry\tfeeling\tfrom\this\tthroat,\tand\tsays:\tYeah. I\t have\t another\t friend\t who\t I\t would\t be\t pretty\t close\t with,\t but\t she\u2019s\t on Erasmus\tthis\tyear. A\tfriend\tfrom\tcollege? Well,\t we\t went\t to\t school\t together\t but\t she\u2019s\t in\t Trinity\t now\t as\t well. Marianne.\t She\t would\t have\t known\t Rob\t and\t everything.\t Our\t friend\t who died.\tBut\tshe\u2019s\taway\tthis\tyear,\tlike\tI\tsaid. He\twatches\tYvonne\twrite\tdown\tthe\tname\ton\ther\tnotepad,\tthe\ttall\tslopes of\tthe\tcapital\t\u2018M\u2019.\tHe\ttalks\tto\tMarianne\talmost\tevery\tnight\ton\tSkype\tnow, sometimes\t after\t dinner\t or\t sometimes\t late\t when\t she\t comes\t home\t from\t a night\tout.\tThey\u2019ve\tnever\ttalked\tabout\twhat\thappened\tin\tItaly.\tHe\u2019s\tgrateful that\t she\u2019s\t never\t brought\t it\t up.\t When\t they\t speak\t the\t video\t stream\t is\t high quality\tbut\tfrequently\tfails\tto\tmatch\tthe\taudio,\twhich\tgives\thim\ta\tsense\tof Marianne\t as\t a\t moving\t image,\t a\t thing\t to\t be\t looked\t at.\t People\t in\t college have\tbeen\tsaying\tthings\tabout\ther\tsince\tshe\twent\taway.\tConnell\u2019s\tnot\tsure if\t she\t knows\t about\t it\t or\t not,\t what\t people\t like\t Jamie\t have\t been\t saying. Connell\tisn\u2019t\teven\treally\tfriends\twith\tthose\tpeople\tand\the\u2019s\theard\tabout\tit. Some\tdrunk\tguy\tat\ta\tparty\ttold\thim\tthat\tshe\twas\tinto\tweird\tstuff,\tand\tthat","there\twere\tpictures\tof\ther\ton\tthe\tinternet.\tConnell\tdoesn\u2019t\tknow\tif\tit\u2019s\ttrue about\t the\t pictures.\t He\u2019s\t searched\t her\t name\t online\t but\t nothing\t has\t ever come\tup. Is\tshe\tsomeone\tyou\tmight\ttalk\twith\tabout\thow\tyou\u2019re\tfeeling?\tYvonne says. Yeah,\t she\u2019s\t been\t supportive\t about\t it.\t She,\t uh\t \u2026\t She\u2019s\t hard\t to\t describe if\t you\t don\u2019t\t know\t her.\t She\u2019s\t really\t smart,\t a\t lot\t smarter\t than\t me,\t but\t I would\t say\t we\t see\t the\t world\t in\t a\t similar\t way.\t And\t we\u2019ve\t lived\t our\t whole lives\t in\t the\t same\t place,\t obviously,\t so\t it\t is\t a\t bit\t different\t being\t away\t from her. It\tsounds\tdifficult. I\t just\t don\u2019t\t have\t a\t lot\t of\t people\t who\t I\t really\t click\t with,\t he\t says.\t You know,\tI\tstruggle\twith\tthat. Do\tyou\tthink\tthat\u2019s\ta\tnew\tproblem,\tor\tis\tit\tsomething\tfamiliar\tto\tyou? It\u2019s\t familiar,\t I\t suppose.\t I\t would\t say\t in\t school\t I\t sometimes\t had\t that feeling\tof\tisolation\tor\twhatever.\tBut\tpeople\tliked\tme\tand\teverything.\tHere\tI feel\tlike\tpeople\tdon\u2019t\tlike\tme\tthat\tmuch. He\t pauses,\t and\t Yvonne\t seems\t to\t recognise\t the\t pause\t and\t doesn\u2019t interrupt\thim. Like\t with\t Rob,\t that\u2019s\t my\t friend\t who\t died,\t he\t says.\t I\t wouldn\u2019t\t say\t we clicked\ton\tthis\tvery\tdeep\tlevel\tor\tanything,\tbut\twe\twere\tfriends. Sure. We\tdidn\u2019t\thave\ta\tlot\tin\tcommon,\tlike\tin\tterms\tof\tinterests\tor\twhatever. And\ton\tthe\tpolitical\tside\tof\tthings\twe\tprobably\twouldn\u2019t\thave\thad\tthe\tsame views.\tBut\tin\tschool,\tstuff\tlike\tthat\tdidn\u2019t\treally\tmatter\tas\tmuch.\tWe\twere just\tin\tthe\tsame\tgroup\tso\twe\twere\tfriends,\tyou\tknow. I\tunderstand\tthat,\tsays\tYvonne. And\t he\t did\t do\t some\t stuff\t that\t I\t wasn\u2019t\t a\t big\t fan\t of.\t With\t girls\t his behaviour\t was\t kind\t of\t poor\t at\t times.\t You\t know,\t we\t were\t eighteen\t or whatever,\t we\t all\t acted\t like\t idiots.\t But\t I\t guess\t I\t found\t that\t stuff\t a\t bit alienating. Connell\t bites\t on\t his\t thumbnail\t and\t then\t drops\t his\t hand\t back\t into\t his lap. I\t probably\t thought\t if\t I\t moved\t here\t I\t would\t fit\t in\t better,\t he\t says.\t You know,\t I\t thought\t I\t might\t find\t more\t like-minded\t people\t or\t whatever.\t But honestly,\tthe\tpeople\there\tare\ta\tlot\tworse\tthan\tthe\tpeople\tI\tknew\tin\tschool.\tI","mean\t everyone\t here\t just\t goes\t around\t comparing\t how\t much\t money\t their parents\tmake.\tLike\tI\u2019m\tbeing\tliteral\twith\tthat,\tI\u2019ve\tseen\tthat\thappen. He\t breathes\t in\t now,\t feeling\t that\t he\t has\t been\t talking\t too\t quickly\t and\t at too\tgreat\ta\tlength,\tbut\tunwilling\tto\tstop. I\tjust\tfeel\tlike\tI\tleft\tCarricklea\tthinking\tI\tcould\thave\ta\tdifferent\tlife,\the says.\t But\t I\t hate\t it\t here,\t and\t now\t I\t can\t never\t go\t back\t there\t again.\t I\t mean, those\t friendships\t are\t gone.\t Rob\t is\t gone,\t I\t can\t never\t see\t him\t again.\t I\t can never\tget\tthat\tlife\tback. Yvonne\tpushes\tthe\tbox\tof\ttissues\ton\tthe\ttable\ttowards\thim.\tHe\tlooks\tat the\tbox,\tpatterned\twith\tgreen\tpalm\tleaves,\tand\tthen\tat\tYvonne.\tHe\ttouches his\t own\t face,\t only\t to\t discover\t that\t he\t has\t started\t crying.\t Wordlessly\t he removes\ta\ttissue\tfrom\tthe\tbox\tand\twipes\this\tface. Sorry,\the\tsays. Yvonne\t is\t making\t eye\t contact\t now,\t but\t he\t can\u2019t\t tell\t anymore\t whether she\u2019s\tbeen\tlistening\tto\thim,\twhether\tshe\u2019s\tunderstood\tor\ttried\tto\tunderstand what\the\u2019s\tsaid. What\twe\tcan\tdo\there\tin\tcounselling\tis\ttry\tto\twork\ton\tyour\tfeelings,\tand your\t thoughts\t and\t behaviours,\t she\t says.\t We\t can\u2019t\t change\t your circumstances,\tbut\twe\tcan\tchange\thow\tyou\trespond\tto\tyour\tcircumstances. Do\tyou\tsee\twhat\tI\tmean? Yeah. At\t this\t point\t in\t the\t session\t Yvonne\t starts\t to\t hand\t him\t worksheets, illustrated\t with\t large\t cartoon\t arrows\t pointing\t to\t various\t text\t boxes.\t He takes\t them\t and\t pretends\t that\t he\u2019s\t intending\t to\t fill\t them\t out\t later.\t She\t also hands\t him\t some\t photocopied\t pages\t about\t dealing\t with\t anxiety,\t which\t he pretends\the\twill\tread.\tShe\tprints\ta\tnote\tfor\thim\tto\ttake\tto\tthe\tcollege\thealth service\tadvising\tthem\tabout\this\tdepression,\tand\the\tsays\the\u2019ll\tcome\tback\tfor another\tsession\tin\ttwo\tweeks.\tThen\the\tleaves\tthe\toffice. * A\t couple\t of\t weeks\t ago\t Connell\t attended\t a\t reading\t by\t a\t writer\t who\t was visiting\tthe\tcollege.\tHe\tsat\tat\tthe\tback\tof\tthe\tlecture\thall\ton\this\town,\tself- conscious\tbecause\tthe\treading\twas\tsparsely\tattended\tand\teveryone\telse\twas sitting\tin\tgroups.\tIt\twas\tone\tof\tthe\tbig\twindowless\thalls\tin\tthe\tArts\tBlock, with\tfold-out\ttables\tattached\tto\tthe\tseats.\tOne\tof\this\tlecturers\tgave\ta\tshort and\tsycophantic\toverview\tof\tthe\twriter\u2019s\twork,\tand\tthen\tthe\tman\thimself,\ta youngish\tguy\taround\tthirty,\tstood\tat\tthe\tlectern\tand\tthanked\tthe\tcollege\tfor the\tinvitation.\tBy\tthen\tConnell\tregretted\this\tdecision\tto\tattend.\tEverything","about\tthe\tevent\twas\tstaid\tand\tformulaic,\tsapped\tof\tenergy.\tHe\tdidn\u2019t\tknow why\the\thad\tcome.\tHe\thad\tread\tthe\twriter\u2019s\tcollection\tand\tfound\tit\tuneven, but\t sensitive\t in\t places,\t perceptive.\t Now,\t he\t thought,\t even\t that\t effect\t was spoiled\t by\t seeing\t the\t writer\t in\t this\t environment,\t hemmed\t off\t from anything\t spontaneous,\t reciting\t aloud\t from\t his\t own\t book\t to\t an\t audience who\u2019d\t already\t read\t it.\t The\t stiffness\t of\t this\t performance\t made\t the observations\t in\t the\t book\t seem\t false,\t separating\t the\t writer\t from\t the\t people he\t wrote\t about,\t as\t if\t he\u2019d\t observed\t them\t only\t for\t the\t benefit\t of\t talking about\t them\t to\t Trinity\t students.\t Connell\t couldn\u2019t\t think\t of\t any\t reason\t why these\t literary\t events\t took\t place,\t what\t they\t contributed\t to\t anything,\t what they\tmeant.\tThey\twere\tattended\tonly\tby\tpeople\twho\twanted\tto\tbe\tthe\tkind of\tpeople\twho\tattended\tthem. Afterwards\t a\t small\t wine\t reception\t had\t been\t set\t up\t outside\t the\t lecture hall.\t Connell\t went\t to\t leave\t but\t found\t himself\t trapped\t by\t a\t group\t of students\t talking\t loudly.\t When\t he\t tried\t to\t press\t his\t way\t through,\t one\t of them\tsaid:\tOh,\thi\tConnell.\tHe\trecognised\ther,\tit\twas\tSadie\tDarcy-O\u2019Shea. She\t was\t in\t some\t of\t his\t English\t classes,\t and\t he\t knew\t she\t was\t involved\t in the\tliterary\tsociety.\tShe\twas\tthe\tgirl\twho\u2019d\tcalled\thim\t\u2018a\tgenius\u2019\tto\this\tface back\tin\tfirst\tyear. Hey,\the\tsaid. Did\tyou\tenjoy\tthe\treading? He\t shrugged.\t It\t was\t alright,\t he\t said.\t He\t felt\t anxious\t and\t wanted\t to leave,\tbut\tshe\tkept\tspeaking.\tHe\trubbed\this\tpalms\ton\this\tT-shirt. You\tweren\u2019t\tblown\taway?\tshe\tsaid. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tI\tdon\u2019t\treally\tget\tthe\tpoint\tof\tthese\tthings. Readings? Yeah,\tsaid\tConnell.\tYou\tknow,\tI\tdon\u2019t\treally\tsee\twhat\tthey\u2019re\tfor. Everyone\t looked\t away\t suddenly,\t and\t Connell\t turned\t to\t follow\t their gaze.\t The\t writer\t had\t emerged\t from\t the\t lecture\t hall\t and\t was\t approaching them.\t Hi\t there,\t Sadie,\t he\t said.\t Connell\t had\t not\t intuited\t any\t personal relationship\t between\t Sadie\t and\t the\t writer,\t and\t he\t felt\t foolish\t for\t saying what\t he\u2019d\t said.\t You\t read\t so\t wonderfully,\t said\t Sadie.\t Irritated\t and\t tired, Connell\t moved\t aside\t to\t let\t the\t writer\t join\t their\t circle\t and\t started\t to\t edge away.\tThen\tSadie\tgripped\this\tarm\tand\tsaid:\tConnell\twas\tjust\ttelling\tus\the doesn\u2019t\t see\t the\t point\t of\t literary\t readings.\t The\t writer\t looked\t vaguely\t in Connell\u2019s\t direction\t and\t then\t nodded.\t Yeah,\t same\t as\t that,\t he\t said.\t They\u2019re boring,\t aren\u2019t\t they?\t Connell\t noticed\t that\t the\t stilted\t quality\t of\t his\t reading seemed\tto\tcharacterise\this\tspeech\tand\tmovement\talso,\tand\the\tfelt\tbad\tthen","for\t attributing\t such\t a\t negative\t view\t of\t literature\t to\t someone\t who\t was maybe\tjust\tawkward. Well,\twe\tappreciated\tit,\tsaid\tSadie. What\u2019s\tyour\tname,\tConnell\twhat?\tsaid\tthe\twriter. Connell\tWaldron. The\twriter\tnodded.\tHe\tpicked\tup\ta\tglass\tof\tred\twine\tfrom\tthe\ttable\tand let\tthe\tothers\tcontinue\ttalking.\tFor\tsome\treason,\tthough\tthe\topportunity\tto leave\t had\t at\t last\t presented\t itself,\t Connell\t lingered.\t The\t writer\t swallowed some\twine\tand\tthen\tlooked\tat\thim\tagain. I\tliked\tyour\tbook,\tsaid\tConnell. Oh,\tthanks,\tsaid\tthe\twriter.\tAre\tyou\tcoming\ton\tto\tthe\tStag\u2019s\tHead\tfor\ta drink?\tI\tthink\tthat\u2019s\twhere\tpeople\tare\theading. They\tdidn\u2019t\tleave\tthe\tStag\u2019s\tHead\tthat\tnight\tuntil\tit\tclosed.\tThey\thad\ta good-natured\targument\tabout\tliterary\treadings,\tand\talthough\tConnell\tdidn\u2019t say\tvery\tmuch,\tthe\twriter\ttook\this\tside,\twhich\tpleased\thim.\tLater\the\tasked Connell\t where\t he\t was\t from,\t and\t Connell\t told\t him\t Sligo,\t a\t place\t called Carricklea.\tThe\twriter\tnodded. I\t know\t it,\t yeah,\t he\t said.\t There\t used\t to\t be\t a\t bowling\t alley\t there,\t it\u2019s probably\tgone\tyears\tnow. Yeah,\tConnell\tsaid\ttoo\tquickly.\tI\thad\ta\tbirthday\tparty\tthere\tonce\twhen\tI was\tsmall.\tIn\tthe\tbowling\talley.\tIt\tis\tgone\tnow,\tthough,\tobviously.\tLike\tyou said. The\t writer\t took\t a\t sip\t of\t his\t pint\t and\t said:\t How\t do\t you\t find\t Trinity,\t do you\tlike\tit? Connell\tlooked\tat\tSadie\tacross\tthe\ttable,\ther\tbangles\tknocking\ttogether on\ther\twrist. Bit\thard\tto\tfit\tin,\tto\tbe\thonest,\tConnell\tsaid. The\t writer\t nodded\t again.\t That\t mightn\u2019t\t be\t a\t bad\t thing,\t he\t said.\t You could\tget\ta\tfirst\tcollection\tout\tof\tit. Connell\t laughed,\t he\t looked\t down\t into\t his\t lap.\t He\t knew\t it\t was\t just\t a joke,\tbut\tit\twas\ta\tnice\tthought,\tthat\the\tmight\tnot\tbe\tsuffering\tfor\tnothing. He\tknows\tthat\ta\tlot\tof\tthe\tliterary\tpeople\tin\tcollege\tsee\tbooks\tprimarily as\t a\t way\t of\t appearing\t cultured.\t When\t someone\t mentioned\t the\t austerity protests\t that\t night\t in\t the\t Stag\u2019s\t Head,\t Sadie\t threw\t her\t hands\t up\t and\t said: Not\t politics,\t please!\t Connell\u2019s\t initial\t assessment\t of\t the\t reading\t was\t not","disproven.\t It\t was\t culture\t as\t class\t performance,\t literature\t fetishised\t for\t its ability\t to\t take\t educated\t people\t on\t false\t emotional\t journeys,\t so\t that\t they might\t afterwards\t feel\t superior\t to\t the\t uneducated\t people\t whose\t emotional journeys\t they\t liked\t to\t read\t about.\t Even\t if\t the\t writer\t himself\t was\t a\t good person,\tand\teven\tif\this\tbook\treally\twas\tinsightful,\tall\tbooks\twere\tultimately marketed\t as\t status\t symbols,\t and\t all\t writers\t participated\t to\t some\t degree\t in this\t marketing.\t Presumably\t this\t was\t how\t the\t industry\t made\t money. Literature,\tin\tthe\tway\tit\tappeared\tat\tthese\tpublic\treadings,\thad\tno\tpotential as\ta\tform\tof\tresistance\tto\tanything.\tStill,\tConnell\twent\thome\tthat\tnight\tand read\t over\t some\t notes\t he\t had\t been\t making\t for\t a\t new\t story,\t and\t he\t felt\t the old\t beat\t of\t pleasure\t inside\t his\t body,\t like\t watching\t a\t perfect\t goal,\t like\t the rustling\t movement\t of\t light\t through\t leaves,\t a\t phrase\t of\t music\t from\t the window\t of\t a\t passing\t car.\t Life\t offers\t up\t these\t moments\t of\t joy\t despite everything.","Four\tMonths\tLater (JULY\t2014) Her\teyes\tnarrow\tuntil\tthe\ttelevision\tscreen\tis\tjust\ta\tgreen\toblong,\tyawning light\t at\t the\t edges.\t Are\t you\t falling\t asleep?\t he\t says.\t After\t a\t pause\t she replies:\t No.\t He\t nods,\t not\t taking\t his\t eyes\t off\t the\t match.\t He\t takes\t a\t sip\t of Coke\tand\tthe\tremaining\tice\tclinks\tsoftly\tin\this\tglass.\tHer\tlimbs\tfeel\theavy on\t the\t mattress.\t She\u2019s\t lying\t in\t Connell\u2019s\t room\t in\t Foxfield\t watching\t the Netherlands\tplay\tCosta\tRica\tfor\ta\tplace\tin\tthe\tWorld\tCup\tsemi-finals.\tHis room\tlooks\tthe\tsame\tas\tit\tdid\tin\tschool,\talthough\tone\tcorner\tof\this\tSteven Gerrard\tposter\thas\tcome\tunfixed\tfrom\tthe\twall\tand\tcurled\tinwards\ton\titself in\tthe\tmeantime.\tBut\teverything\telse\tis\tthe\tsame:\tthe\tlampshade,\tthe\tgreen curtains,\teven\tthe\tpillowcases\twith\tthe\tstriped\ttrim. I\tcan\trun\tyou\thome\tat\thalf-time,\the\tsays. For\ta\tsecond\tshe\tsays\tnothing.\tHer\teyes\tflutter\tclosed\tand\tthen\topen\tup again,\twider,\tso\tshe\tcan\tsee\tthe\tplayers\tmoving\taround\tthe\tpitch. Am\tI\tin\tyour\tway?\tshe\tsays. No,\tnot\tat\tall.\tYou\tjust\tseem\tsleepy. Can\tI\thave\tsome\tof\tyour\tCoke? He\t hands\t her\t the\t glass\t and\t she\t sits\t up\t to\t drink\t it,\t feeling\t like\t a\t baby. Her\t mouth\t is\t dry\t and\t the\t drink\t is\t cold\t and\t flavourless\t on\t her\t tongue.\t She takes\t two\t huge\t mouthfuls\t and\t then\t hands\t it\t back\t to\t him,\t wiping\t her\t lips with\tthe\tback\tof\ther\thand.\tHe\taccepts\tthe\tglass\twithout\tlooking\taway\tfrom the\tTV. You\u2019re\t thirsty,\t he\t says.\t There\u2019s\t more\t downstairs\t in\t the\t fridge\t if\t you want\tsome. She\tshakes\ther\thead,\tlies\tback\tdown\twith\ther\thands\tclasped\tbehind\ther neck. Where\tdid\tyou\tdisappear\tto\tlast\tnight?\tshe\tsays. Oh.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tI\twas\tin\tthe\tsmoking\tarea\tfor\ta\tbit. Did\tyou\tend\tup\tkissing\tthat\tgirl? No,\the\tsays. Marianne\tcloses\ther\teyes,\tfans\ther\tface\twith\ther\thand.\tI\u2019m\treally\twarm, she\tsays.\tDo\tyou\tfind\tit\thot\tin\there?","You\tcan\topen\tthe\twindow\tif\tyou\twant. She\ttries\twriggling\tdown\tthe\tbed\ttowards\tthe\twindow\tand\treaching\tfor the\t handle\t without\t actually\t having\t to\t sit\t up\t the\t whole\t way.\t She\t pauses, waiting\tto\tsee\tif\tConnell\twill\tintervene\ton\ther\tbehalf.\tHe\u2019s\tworking\tin\tthe college\t library\t this\t summer,\t but\t he\u2019s\t visited\t Carricklea\t every\t weekend since\tshe\tgot\thome.\tThey\tdrive\taround\tin\this\tcar\ttogether,\tout\tto\tStrandhill, or\t up\t to\t Glencar\t waterfall.\t Connell\t bites\t his\t nails\t a\t lot\t and\t doesn\u2019t\t talk much.\t Last\t month\t she\t told\t him\t he\t shouldn\u2019t\t feel\t obliged\t to\t visit\t her\t if\t he doesn\u2019t\tfeel\tlike\tit,\tand\the\treplied\ttonelessly:\tWell,\tit\u2019s\treally\tthe\tonly\tthing I\t have\t to\t look\t forward\t to.\t She\t sits\t up\t now\t and\t opens\t the\t window\t herself. The\tdaylight\tis\tfading\tbut\tthe\tair\toutside\tfeels\tbalmy\tand\tstill. What\twas\ther\tname\tagain?\tshe\tsays.\tThe\tgirl\tat\tthe\tbar. Niamh\tKeenan. She\tlikes\tyou. I\tdon\u2019t\tthink\twe\treally\tshare\tinterests,\the\tsays.\tEric\twas\tlooking\tfor\tyou last\tnight\tactually,\tdid\tyou\tsee\thim? Marianne\tsits\tcross-legged\ton\tthe\tbed,\tfacing\tConnell.\tHe\u2019s\tpropped\tup against\tthe\theadboard,\tholding\tthe\tglass\tof\tCoke\ton\this\tchest. Yes,\tI\tsaw\thim,\tshe\tsays.\tIt\twas\tweird. Why,\twhat\thappened? He\t was\t really\t drunk.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t For\t some\t reason\t he\t decided\t he wanted\tto\tapologise\tto\tme\tfor\tthe\tway\the\tacted\tin\tschool. Really?\tsays\tConnell.\tThat\tis\tweird. He\tlooks\tback\tat\tthe\tscreen\tthen,\tso\tshe\tfeels\tat\tliberty\tto\tstudy\this\tface in\t detail.\t He\t probably\t notices\t she\u2019s\t doing\t this,\t but\t politely\t says\t nothing about\t it.\t The\t bedside\t lamp\t diffuses\t light\t softly\t over\t his\t features,\t the\t fine cheekbone,\t the\t brow\t in\t its\t frown\t of\t mild\t concentration,\t the\t faint\t sheen\t of perspiration\t on\t his\t upper\t lip.\t Dwelling\t on\t the\t sight\t of\t Connell\u2019s\t face always\tgives\tMarianne\ta\tcertain\tpleasure,\twhich\tcan\tbe\tinflected\twith\tany number\tof\tother\tfeelings\tdepending\ton\tthe\tminute\tinterplay\tof\tconversation and\t mood.\t His\t appearance\t is\t like\t a\t favourite\t piece\t of\t music\t to\t her, sounding\ta\tlittle\tdifferent\teach\ttime\tshe\thears\tit. He\t was\t talking\t about\t Rob\t a\t bit,\t she\t says.\t He\t was\t saying\t Rob\t would have\twanted\tto\tapologise.\tI\tmean,\tit\twasn\u2019t\tclear\tif\tthis\twas\tsomething\tRob had\t actually\t said\t to\t him\t or\t if\t Eric\t was\t just\t doing\t some\t psychological projection.","I\u2019m\tsure\tRob\twould\thave\twanted\tto\tapologise,\tto\tbe\thonest. Oh,\tI\thate\tto\tthink\tthat.\tI\thate\tto\tthink\the\thad\tthat\ton\this\tconscience\tin some\tway.\tI\tnever\theld\tit\tagainst\thim,\treally.\tYou\tknow,\tit\twas\tnothing,\twe were\tkids. It\twasn\u2019t\tnothing,\tsays\tConnell.\tHe\tbullied\tyou. Marianne\tsays\tnothing.\tIt\u2019s\ttrue\tthey\tdid\tbully\ther.\tEric\tcalled\ther\t\u2018flat- chested\u2019\t once,\t in\t front\t of\t everyone,\t and\t Rob,\t laughing,\t scrambled\t to whisper\t something\t in\t Eric\u2019s\t ear,\t some\t affirmation,\t or\t some\t further\t insult too\t vulgar\t to\t speak\t out\t loud.\t At\t the\t funeral\t back\t in\t January\t everyone talked\tabout\twhat\ta\tgreat\tperson\tRob\thad\tbeen,\tfull\tof\tlife,\ta\tdevoted\tson, and\t so\t on.\t But\t he\t was\t also\t a\t very\t insecure\t person,\t obsessed\t with popularity,\t and\t his\t desperation\t had\t made\t him\t cruel.\t Not\t for\t the\t first\t time Marianne\t thinks\t cruelty\t does\t not\t only\t hurt\t the\t victim,\t but\t the\t perpetrator also,\t and\t maybe\t more\t deeply\t and\t more\t permanently.\t You\t learn\t nothing very\t profound\t about\t yourself\t simply\t by\t being\t bullied;\t but\t by\t bullying someone\telse\tyou\tlearn\tsomething\tyou\tcan\tnever\tforget. After\t the\t funeral\t she\t spent\t evenings\t scrolling\t through\t Rob\u2019s\t Facebook page.\t Lots\t of\t people\t from\t school\t had\t left\t comments\t on\t his\t wall,\t saying they\tmissed\thim.\tWhat\twere\tthese\tpeople\tdoing,\tMarianne\tthought,\twriting on\t the\t Facebook\t wall\t of\t a\t dead\t person?\t What\t did\t these\t messages,\t these advertisements\tof\tloss,\tactually\tmean\tto\tanyone?\tWhat\twas\tthe\tappropriate etiquette\t when\t they\t appeared\t on\t the\t timeline:\t to\t \u2018like\u2019\t them\t supportively? To\t scroll\t past\t in\t search\t of\t something\t better?\t But\t everything\t made Marianne\t angry\t then.\t Thinking\t about\t it\t now,\t she\t can\u2019t\t understand\t why\t it bothered\t her.\t None\t of\t those\t people\t had\t done\t anything\t wrong.\t They\t were just\tgrieving.\tOf\tcourse\tit\tdidn\u2019t\tmake\tsense\tto\twrite\ton\this\tFacebook\twall, but\tnothing\telse\tmade\tsense\teither.\tIf\tpeople\tappeared\tto\tbehave\tpointlessly in\t grief,\t it\t was\t only\t because\t human\t life\t was\t pointless,\t and\t this\t was\t the truth\tthat\tgrief\trevealed.\tShe\twishes\tthat\tshe\tcould\thave\tforgiven\tRob,\teven if\tit\tmeant\tnothing\tto\thim.\tWhen\tshe\tthinks\tof\thim\tnow\tit\u2019s\talways\twith\this face\t hidden,\t turning\t away,\t behind\t his\t locker\t door,\t behind\t the\t rolled-up window\tof\this\tcar.\tWho\twere\tyou?\tshe\tthinks,\tnow\tthat\tthere\u2019s\tno\tone\tleft to\tanswer\tthe\tquestion. Did\tyou\taccept\tthe\tapology?\tsays\tConnell. She\t nods,\t looking\t down\t at\t her\t nails.\t Of\t course\t I\t did,\t she\t says.\t I\t don\u2019t go\tin\tfor\tgrudges. Luckily\tfor\tme,\the\treplies. The\t half-time\t whistle\t blows\t and\t the\t players\t turn,\t heads\t lowered,\t and","start\t their\t slow\t walk\t across\t the\t pitch.\t It\u2019s\t still\t nil-all.\t She\t wipes\t her\t nose with\t her\t fingers.\t Connell\t sits\t up\t straight\t and\t puts\t his\t glass\t on\t the\t bedside table.\t She\t thinks\t he\u2019s\t going\t to\t offer\t her\t a\t lift\t home\t again,\t but\t instead\t he says:\t Do\t you\t feel\t like\t an\t ice\t cream?\t She\t says\t yes.\t Back\t in\t a\t second,\t he says.\tHe\tleaves\tthe\tbedroom\tdoor\topen\ton\this\tway\tout.\tMarianne\tis\tliving at\thome\tnow\tfor\tthe\tfirst\ttime\tsince\tshe\tleft\tschool.\tHer\tmother\tand\tbrother are\tat\twork\tall\tday\tand * Marianne\t has\t nothing\t to\t do\t but\t sit\t in\t the\t garden\t watching\t insects\t wriggle through\tsoil.\tInside\tshe\tmakes\tcoffee,\tsweeps\tfloors,\twipes\tdown\tsurfaces. The\t house\t is\t never\t really\t clean\t anymore\t because\t Lorraine\t has\t a\t full-time job\t in\t the\t hotel\t now\t and\t they\u2019ve\t never\t replaced\t her.\t Without\t Lorraine\t the house\tis\tnot\ta\tnice\tplace\tto\tlive.\tSometimes\tMarianne\tgoes\ton\tday\ttrips\tto Dublin,\t and\t she\t and\t Joanna\t wander\t around\t the\t Hugh\t Lane\t together\t with bare\tarms,\tdrinking\tfrom\tbottles\tof\twater.\tJoanna\u2019s\tgirlfriend\tEvelyn\tcomes along\t when\t she\u2019s\t not\t studying\t or\t working,\t and\t she\u2019s\t always\t painstakingly kind\t to\t Marianne\t and\t interested\t to\t hear\t about\t her\t life.\t Marianne\t is\t so happy\tfor\tJoanna\tand\tEvelyn\tthat\tshe\tfeels\tlucky\teven\tto\tsee\tthem\ttogether, even\t to\t hear\t Joanna\t on\t the\t phone\t to\t Evelyn\t saying\t cheerfully:\t Okay,\t love you,\tsee\tyou\tlater.\tIt\tgives\tMarianne\ta\twindow\tonto\treal\thappiness,\tthough a\twindow\tshe\tcannot\topen\therself\tor\tever\tclimb\tthrough. They\t went\t to\t a\t protest\t against\t the\t war\t in\t Gaza\t the\t other\t week\t with Connell\t and\t Niall.\t There\t were\t thousands\t of\t people\t there,\t carrying\t signs and\tmegaphones\tand\tbanners.\tMarianne\twanted\ther\tlife\tto\tmean\tsomething then,\t she\t wanted\t to\t stop\t all\t violence\t committed\t by\t the\t strong\t against\t the weak,\t and\t she\t remembered\t a\t time\t several\t years\t ago\t when\t she\t had\t felt\t so intelligent\t and\t young\t and\t powerful\t that\t she\t almost\t could\t have\t achieved such\ta\tthing,\tand\tnow\tshe\tknew\tshe\twasn\u2019t\tat\tall\tpowerful,\tand\tshe\twould live\t and\t die\t in\t a\t world\t of\t extreme\t violence\t against\t the\t innocent,\t and\t at most\tshe\tcould\thelp\tonly\ta\tfew\tpeople.\tIt\twas\tso\tmuch\tharder\tto\treconcile herself\tto\tthe\tidea\tof\thelping\ta\tfew,\tlike\tshe\twould\trather\thelp\tno\tone\tthan do\tsomething\tso\tsmall\tand\tfeeble,\tbut\tthat\twasn\u2019t\tit\teither.\tThe\tprotest\twas very\tloud\tand\tslow,\tlots\tof\tpeople\twere\tbanging\tdrums\tand\tchanting\tthings out\t of\t unison,\t sound\t systems\t crackling\t on\t and\t off.\t They\t marched\t across O\u2019Connell\t Bridge\t with\t the\t Liffey\t trickling\t under\t them.\t The\t weather\t was hot,\tMarianne\u2019s\tshoulders\tgot\tsunburned. Connell\tdrove\ther\tback\tto\tCarricklea\tin\tthe\tcar\tthat\tevening,\tthough\tshe said\t she\t would\t get\t the\t train.\t They\t were\t both\t very\t tired\t on\t the\t way\t home. While\t they\t were\t driving\t through\t Longford\t they\t had\t the\t radio\t on,\t it\t was playing\ta\tWhite\tLies\tsong\tthat\thad\tbeen\tpopular\twhen\tthey\twere\tin\tschool,","and\t without\t touching\t the\t dial\t or\t raising\t his\t voice\t to\t be\t heard\t over\t the sound\t of\t the\t radio\t Connell\t said:\t You\t know\t I\t love\t you.\t He\t didn\u2019t\t say anything\t else.\t She\t said\t she\t loved\t him\t too\t and\t he\t nodded\t and\t continued driving\tas\tif\tnothing\tat\tall\thad\thappened,\twhich\tin\ta\tway\tit\thadn\u2019t. Marianne\u2019s\t brother\t works\t for\t the\t county\t council\t now.\t He\t comes\t home in\tthe\tevening\tand\tprowls\taround\tthe\thouse\tlooking\tfor\ther.\tFrom\ther\troom she\t can\t tell\t it\u2019s\t him\t because\t he\t always\t wears\t his\t shoes\t inside.\t He\t knocks on\ther\tdoor\tif\the\tcan\u2019t\tfind\ther\tin\tthe\tliving\troom\tor\tthe\tkitchen.\tI\tjust\twant to\ttalk\tto\tyou,\the\tsays.\tWhy\tare\tyou\tacting\tlike\tyou\u2019re\tscared\tof\tme?\tCan we\ttalk\tfor\ta\tsecond?\tShe\thas\tto\tcome\tto\tthe\tdoor\tthen,\tand\the\twants\tto\tgo over\tsome\targument\tthey\thad\tthe\tnight\tbefore,\tand\tshe\tsays\tshe\u2019s\ttired\tand wants\t to\t get\t some\t sleep,\t but\t he\t won\u2019t\t leave\t until\t she\t says\t she\u2019s\t sorry\t for the\tprevious\targument,\tso\tshe\tsays\tshe\u2019s\tsorry,\tand\the\tsays:\tYou\tthink\tI\u2019m such\ta\thorrible\tperson.\tShe\twonders\tif\tthat\u2019s\ttrue.\tI\ttry\tto\tbe\tnice\tto\tyou,\the says,\tbut\tyou\talways\tthrow\tit\tback\tat\tme.\tShe\tdoesn\u2019t\tthink\tthat\u2019s\ttrue,\tbut she\tknows\the\tprobably\tthinks\tit\tis.\tIt\u2019s\tnothing\tworse\tthan\tthis\tmostly,\tit\u2019s just\t this\t all\t the\t time,\t nothing\t but\t this,\t and\t long\t empty\t weekdays\t wiping down\tsurfaces\tand\twringing\tdamp\tsponges\tinto\tthe\tsink. * Connell\t comes\t back\t upstairs\t now\t and\t tosses\t her\t an\t ice\t lolly\t wrapped\t in shiny\t plastic.\t She\t catches\t it\t in\t her\t hands\t and\t lifts\t it\t straight\t to\t her\t cheek, where\t the\t cold\t radiates\t outwards\t sweetly.\t He\t sits\t back\t against\t the headboard,\tstarts\tunwrapping\this\town. Do\tyou\tever\tsee\tPeggy\tin\tDublin?\tshe\tsays.\tOr\tany\tof\tthose\tpeople. He\tpauses,\this\tfingers\tcrackle\ton\tthe\tplastic\twrap.\tNo,\the\tsays.\tI\tthought you\thad\ta\tfalling-out\twith\tthem,\tdidn\u2019t\tyou? But\tI\u2019m\tjust\tasking\tif\tyou\tever\thear\tfrom\tthem. No.\tI\twouldn\u2019t\thave\tmuch\tto\tsay\tto\tthem\tif\tI\tdid. She\tpulls\topen\tthe\tplastic\tpackaging\tand\tremoves\tthe\tlolly\tfrom\tinside, orange\twith\tvanilla\tcream.\tOn\ther\ttongue,\ttiny\tflakes\tof\tclear\tunflavoured ice. I\tdid\thear\tJamie\twasn\u2019t\thappy,\tConnell\tadds. I\tbelieve\the\twas\tsaying\tsome\tpretty\tunpleasant\tthings\tabout\tme. Yeah.\t Well,\t I\t wasn\u2019t\t talking\t to\t him\t myself,\t obviously.\t But\t I\t got\t the impression\the\twas\tsaying\tsome\tstuff,\tyeah. Marianne\t lifts\t her\t eyebrows,\t as\t if\t amused.\t When\t she\u2019d\t first\t heard\t the rumours\t that\t were\t circulating\t about\t her,\t she\t hadn\u2019t\t found\t it\t funny\t at\t all.","She\tused\tto\task\tJoanna\tabout\tit\tagain\tand\tagain:\twho\twas\ttalking\tabout\tit, what\t had\t they\t said.\t Joanna\t wouldn\u2019t\t tell\t her.\t She\t said\t that\t within\t a\t few weeks\t everyone\t would\t have\t moved\t on\t to\t something\t else\t anyway.\t People are\t juvenile\t in\t their\t attitudes\t to\t sexuality,\t Joanna\t said.\t Their\t fixation\t on your\t sex\t life\t is\t probably\t more\t fetishistic\t than\t anything\t you\u2019ve\t done. Marianne\t even\t went\t back\t to\t Lukas\t and\t made\t him\t delete\t all\t his photographs\t of\t her,\t none\t of\t which\t he\t had\t ever\t put\t online\t anyway.\t Shame surrounded\t her\t like\t a\t shroud.\t She\t could\t hardly\t see\t through\t it.\t The\t cloth caught\t up\t her\t breath,\t prickled\t on\t her\t skin.\t It\t was\t as\t if\t her\t life\t was\t over. How\tlong\thad\tthat\tfeeling\tlasted?\tTwo\tweeks,\tor\tmore?\tThen\tit\twent\taway, and\t a\t certain\t short\t chapter\t of\t her\t youth\t had\t concluded,\t and\t she\t had survived\tit,\tit\twas\tdone. You\tnever\tsaid\tanything\tto\tme\tabout\tit,\tshe\tsays\tto\tConnell. Well,\tI\theard\tJamie\twas\tpissed\toff\tyou\tbroke\tup\twith\thim\tand\the\twent around\t talking\t shit\t about\t you.\t But\t like,\t that\u2019s\t not\t even\t gossip,\t that\u2019s\t just how\tlads\tbehave.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tknow\tanyone\treally\tcared. I\tthink\tit\u2019s\tmore\ta\tcase\tof\treputational\tdamage. And\t how\t come\t Jamie\u2019s\t reputation\t isn\u2019t\t damaged,\t then?\t says\t Connell. He\twas\tthe\tone\tdoing\tall\tthat\tstuff\tto\tyou. She\tlooks\tup\tand\tConnell\thas\tfinished\this\tice\tlolly\talready.\tHe\u2019s\tplaying with\t the\t dry\t wooden\t stick\t in\t his\t fingers.\t She\t has\t only\t a\t little\t left,\t licked down\t to\t a\t slick\t bulb\t of\t vanilla\t ice\t cream,\t gleaming\t in\t the\t light\t of\t the bedside\tlamp. It\u2019s\tdifferent\tfor\tmen,\tshe\tsays. Yeah,\tI\u2019m\tstarting\tto\tget\tthat. Marianne\t licks\t the\t ice\t cream\t stick\t clean\t and\t examines\t it\t briefly. Connell\t says\t nothing\t for\t a\t few\t seconds,\t and\t then\t ventures:\t It\u2019s\t nice\t Eric apologised\tto\tyou. I\tknow,\tshe\tsays.\tPeople\tfrom\tschool\thave\tactually\tbeen\tvery\tnice\tsince I\tgot\tback.\tEven\tthough\tI\tnever\tmake\tany\teffort\tto\tsee\tthem. Maybe\tyou\tshould. Why,\tyou\tthink\tI\u2019m\tbeing\tungrateful? No,\tI\tjust\tmean\tyou\tmust\tbe\tkind\tof\tlonely,\the\tsays. She\tpauses,\tthe\tstick\tbetween\ther\tindex\tand\tmiddle\tfingers. I\u2019m\tused\tto\tit,\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tlonely\tmy\twhole\tlife,\treally.","Connell\tnods,\tfrowning.\tYeah,\the\tsays.\tI\tknow\twhat\tyou\tmean. You\tweren\u2019t\tlonely\twith\tHelen,\twere\tyou? I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t Sometimes.\t I\t didn\u2019t\t feel\t totally\t myself\t with\t her\t all\t the time. Marianne\tlies\tdown\tflat\ton\ther\tback\tnow,\thead\ton\tthe\tpillow,\tbare\tlegs stretched\t on\t the\t duvet.\t She\t stares\t up\t at\t the\t light\t fixture,\t the\t same lampshade\tfrom\tyears\tago,\tdusty\tgreen. Connell,\tshe\tsays.\tYou\tknow\twhen\twe\twere\tdancing\tlast\tnight? Yeah. For\t a\t moment\t she\t just\t wants\t to\t lie\t here\t prolonging\t the\t intense\t silence and\tstaring\tat\tthe\tlampshade,\tenjoying\tthe\tsensory\tquality\tof\tbeing\there\tin this\troom\tagain\twith\thim\tand\tmaking\thim\ttalk\tto\ther,\tbut\ttime\tmoves\ton. What\tabout\tit?\the\tsays. Did\tI\tdo\tsomething\tto\tannoy\tyou? No.\tWhat\tdo\tyou\tmean\tby\tthat? When\t you\t walked\t off\t and\t just\t left\t me\t there,\t she\t says.\t I\t felt\t kind\t of awkward.\t I\t thought\t maybe\t you\t were\t gone\t after\t that\t girl\t Niamh\t or something,\tthat\u2019s\twhy\tI\tasked\tabout\ther.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow. I\t didn\u2019t\t walk\t off.\t I\t asked\t you\t if\t you\t wanted\t to\t go\t out\t to\t the\t smoking area\tand\tyou\tsaid\tno. She\t sits\t up\t on\t her\t elbows\t and\t looks\t at\t him.\t He\u2019s\t flushed\t now,\t his\t ears are\tred. You\t didn\u2019t\t ask,\t she\t says.\t You\t said,\t I\u2019m\t going\t out\t to\t the\t smoking\t area, and\tthen\tyou\twalked\taway. No,\tI\tsaid\tdo\tyou\twant\tto\tcome\tout\tto\tthe\tsmoking\tarea,\tand\tyou\tshook your\thead. Maybe\tI\tdidn\u2019t\thear\tyou\tright. You\tmust\tnot\thave,\the\tsays.\tI\tdefinitely\tremember\tsaying\tit\tto\tyou.\tBut the\tmusic\twas\tvery\tloud,\tto\tbe\tfair. They\t lapse\t into\t another\t silence.\t Marianne\t lies\t back\t down,\t looks\t up\t at the\tlight\tagain,\tfeels\ther\town\tface\tglowing. I\tthought\tyou\twere\tannoyed\twith\tme,\tshe\tsays. Well,\tsorry.\tI\twasn\u2019t.","After\t a\t pause\t he\t adds:\t I\t think\t our\t friendship\t would\t be\t a\t lot\t easier\t in some\tways\tif,\tlike\t\u2026\tcertain\tthings\twere\tdifferent. She\tlifts\ther\thand\tto\ther\tforehead.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t\tcontinue\tspeaking. If\twhat\twas\tdifferent?\tshe\tsays. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow. She\t can\t hear\t him\t breathing.\t She\t feels\t she\t has\t cornered\t him\t into\t the conversation,\t and\t she\u2019s\t reluctant\t now\t to\t push\t any\t harder\t than\t she\t has already. You\t know,\t I\u2019m\t not\t going\t to\t lie,\t he\t says,\t I\t obviously\t do\t feel\t a\t certain attraction\t towards\t you.\t I\u2019m\t not\t trying\t to\t make\t excuses\t for\t myself.\t I\t just feel\tlike\tthings\twould\tbe\tless\tconfusing\tif\tthere\twasn\u2019t\tthis\tother\telement\tto the\trelationship. She\t moves\t her\t hand\t to\t her\t ribs,\t feels\t the\t slow\t inflation\t of\t her diaphragm. Do\tyou\tthink\tit\twould\tbe\tbetter\tif\twe\thad\tnever\tbeen\ttogether?\tshe\tsays. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow.\tFor\tme\tit\u2019s\thard\tto\timagine\tmy\tlife\tthat\tway.\tLike,\tI\tdon\u2019t know\twhere\tI\twould\thave\tgone\tto\tcollege\tthen\tor\twhere\tI\twould\tbe\tnow. She\t pauses,\t lets\t this\t thought\t roll\t around\t for\t a\t moment,\t keeps\t her\t hand flat\ton\ther\tabdomen. It\u2019s\t funny\t the\t decisions\t you\t make\t because\t you\t like\t someone,\t he\t says, and\tthen\tyour\twhole\tlife\tis\tdifferent.\tI\tthink\twe\u2019re\tat\tthat\tweird\tage\twhere life\t can\t change\t a\t lot\t from\t small\t decisions.\t But\t you\u2019ve\t been\t a\t very\t good influence\t on\t me\t overall,\t like\t I\t definitely\t am\t a\t better\t person\t now,\t I\t think. Thanks\tto\tyou. She\tlies\tthere\tbreathing.\tHer\teyes\tare\tburning\tbut\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t\tmake\tany move\tto\ttouch\tthem. When\t we\t were\t together\t in\t first\t year\t of\t college,\t she\t says,\t were\t you lonely\tthen? No.\tWere\tyou? No.\tI\twas\tfrustrated\tsometimes\tbut\tnot\tlonely.\tI\tnever\tfeel\tlonely\twhen I\u2019m\twith\tyou. Yeah,\the\tsays.\tThat\twas\tkind\tof\ta\tperfect\ttime\tin\tmy\tlife,\tto\tbe\thonest.\tI don\u2019t\tthink\tI\twas\tever\treally\thappy\tbefore\tthen. She\tholds\ther\thand\tdown\thard\ton\ther\tabdomen,\tpressing\tthe\tbreath\tout of\ther\tbody,\tand\tthen\tinhales.","I\treally\twanted\tyou\tto\tkiss\tme\tlast\tnight,\tshe\tsays. Oh. Her\tchest\tinflates\tagain\tand\tdeflates\tslowly. I\twanted\tto\tas\twell,\the\tsays.\tI\tguess\twe\tmisunderstood\teach\tother. Well,\tthat\u2019s\tokay. He\tclears\this\tthroat. I\t don\u2019t\t know\t what\u2019s\t the\t best\t thing\t for\t us,\t he\t says.\t Obviously\t it\u2019s\t nice for\t me\t hearing\t you\t say\t this\t stuff.\t But\t at\t the\t same\t time\t things\t have\t never ended\twell\twith\tus\tin\tthe\tpast.\tYou\tknow,\tyou\u2019re\tmy\tbest\tfriend,\tI\twouldn\u2019t want\tto\tlose\tthat\tfor\tany\treason. Sure,\tI\tknow\twhat\tyou\tmean. Her\teyes\tare\twet\tnow\tand\tshe\thas\tto\trub\tthem\tto\tstop\ttears\trunning. Can\tI\tthink\tabout\tit?\the\tsays. Of\tcourse. I\tdon\u2019t\twant\tyou\tto\tthink\tI\u2019m\tnot\tappreciative. She\t nods,\t wiping\t her\t nose\t with\t her\t fingers.\t She\t wonders\t if\t she\t could turn\tover\tonto\ther\tside\tand\tface\tthe\twindow\tnow\tso\the\tcouldn\u2019t\tlook\tat\ther. You\t really\t have\t been\t so\t supportive\t of\t me,\t he\t says.\t What\t with\t the depression\t and\t everything,\t not\t to\t linger\t on\t that\t too\t much,\t but\t you\t really helped\tme\ta\tlot. You\tdon\u2019t\towe\tme\tanything. No,\tI\tknow.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tmean\tthat. She\tsits\tup,\tswings\ther\tfeet\toff\tthe\tbed,\tputs\ther\tface\tdown\tin\ther\thands. I\u2019m\t getting\t anxious\t now,\t he\t says.\t I\t hope\t you\t don\u2019t\t feel\t like\t I\u2019m rejecting\tyou. Don\u2019t\t be\t anxious.\t Everything\u2019s\t fine.\t I\t might\t head\t home\t now,\t if\t that\u2019s okay. I\tcan\tdrop\tyou. You\tdon\u2019t\twant\tto\tmiss\tthe\tsecond\thalf,\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019ll\twalk,\tit\u2019s\talright. She\tstarts\tputting\ther\tshoes\ton. I\tforgot\tthere\twas\teven\ta\tmatch\ton,\tto\tbe\thonest,\the\tsays. But\t he\t doesn\u2019t\t get\t up\t or\t look\t for\t his\t keys.\t She\t stands\t up\t and\t smooths","her\t skirt\t down.\t He\u2019s\t sitting\t on\t the\t bed\t watching\t her,\t an\t attentive,\t almost nervous\texpression\ton\this\tface. Okay,\tshe\tsays.\tBye. He\treaches\tfor\ther\thand\tand\tshe\tgives\tit\tto\thim\twithout\tthinking.\tFor\ta second\the\tholds\tit,\this\tthumb\tmoving\tover\ther\tknuckles.\tThen\the\tlifts\ther hand\t to\t his\t mouth\t and\t kisses\t it.\t She\t feels\t pleasurably\t crushed\t under\t the weight\t of\t his\t power\t over\t her,\t the\t vast\t ecstatic\t depth\t of\t her\t will\t to\t please him.\tThat\u2019s\tnice,\tshe\tsays.\tHe\tnods.\tShe\tfeels\ta\tlow\tgratifying\tache\tinside her\tbody,\tin\ther\tpelvic\tbone,\tin\ther\tback. I\u2019m\tjust\tnervous,\the\tsays.\tI\tfeel\tlike\tit\u2019s\tpretty\tobvious\tI\tdon\u2019t\twant\tyou to\tleave. In\ta\ttiny\tvoice\tshe\tsays:\tI\tdon\u2019t\tfind\tit\tobvious\twhat\tyou\twant. He\t gets\t up\t and\t stands\t in\t front\t of\t her.\t Like\t a\t trained\t animal\t she\t stays stock-still,\t every\t nerve\t bristling.\t She\t wants\t to\t whimper\t out\t loud.\t He\t puts his\thands\ton\ther\thips\tand\tshe\tlets\thim\tkiss\ther\topen\tmouth.\tThe\tsensation is\tso\textreme\tshe\tfeels\tfaint. I\twant\tthis\tso\tmuch,\tshe\tsays. It\u2019s\t really\t nice\t to\t hear\t you\t say\t that.\t I\u2019m\t going\t to\t switch\t the\t TV\t off,\t if that\u2019s\tokay. She\tgets\tonto\tthe\tbed\twhile\the\tswitches\toff\tthe\ttelevision.\tHe\tsits\tbeside her\t and\t they\t kiss\t again.\t His\t touch\t has\t a\t narcotic\t effect.\t A\t pleasurable stupidity\tcomes\tover\ther,\tshe\twants\tvery\tbadly\tto\tremove\ther\tclothes.\tShe lies\tback\tagainst\tthe\tquilt\tand\the\tleans\tover\ther.\tIt\thas\tbeen\tyears\tnow.\tShe feels\t his\t cock\t pressed\t hard\t against\t her\t hip\t and\t she\t shudders\t with\t the punishing\tforce\tof\ther\tdesire. Hm,\the\tsays.\tI\tmissed\tyou. It\u2019s\tnot\tlike\tthis\twith\tother\tpeople. Well,\tI\tlike\tyou\ta\tlot\tmore\tthan\tother\tpeople. He\tkisses\ther\tagain\tand\tshe\tfeels\this\thands\ton\ther\tbody.\tShe\tis\tan\tabyss that\the\tcan\treach\tinto,\tan\tempty\tspace\tfor\thim\tto\tfill.\tBlindly,\tmechanically, she\t starts\t removing\t her\t clothes,\t and\t she\t can\t hear\t him\t unbuckle\t his\t belt. Time\tseems\tso\telastic,\tstretched\tout\tby\tsound\tand\tmotion.\tShe\tlies\ton\ther front\tand\tpresses\ther\tface\tinto\tthe\tmattress,\tand\the\ttouches\tthe\tback\tof\ther thigh\twith\this\thand.\tHer\tbody\tis\tjust\tan\titem\tof\tproperty,\tand\tthough\tit\thas been\t handed\t around\t and\t misused\t in\t various\t ways,\t it\t has\t somehow\t always belonged\tto\thim,\tand\tshe\tfeels\tlike\treturning\tit\tto\thim\tnow.","I\tactually\tdon\u2019t\thave\tcondoms,\the\tsays. It\u2019s\tokay,\tI\u2019m\ton\tthe\tpill. He\ttouches\ther\thair.\tShe\tfeels\this\tfingertips\tbrush\tthe\tback\tof\ther\tneck. Do\tyou\twant\tit\tlike\tthis?\the\tsays. However\tyou\twant. He\tgets\ton\ttop\tof\ther,\tone\thand\tplanted\ton\tthe\tmattress\tbeside\ther\tface, the\tother\tin\ther\thair. I\thaven\u2019t\tdone\tthis\tin\ta\twhile,\the\tsays. That\u2019s\tokay. When\t he\u2019s\t inside\t her\t she\t hears\t her\t own\t voice\t crying\t out\t again\t and again,\tstrange\traw\tcries.\tShe\twants\tto\thold\tonto\thim\tbut\tshe\tcan\u2019t,\tand\tshe feels\t her\t right\t hand\t clawing\t uselessly\t at\t the\t quilt.\t He\t bends\t down\t so\t his face\tis\ta\tlittle\tcloser\tto\ther\tear. Marianne?\the\tsays.\tCan\twe\tdo\tthis\tagain\tlike,\tnext\tweekend\tand\tso\ton? Whenever\tyou\twant\tto. He\t takes\t hold\t of\t her\t hair,\t not\t pulling\t it,\t just\t holding\t it\t in\t his\t hand. Whenever\tI\twant,\treally?\the\tsays. You\tcan\tdo\tanything\tyou\twant\twith\tme. He\tmakes\ta\tnoise\tin\this\tthroat,\tleans\tinto\ther\ta\tlittle\tharder.\tThat\u2019s\tnice, he\tsays. Her\tvoice\tsounds\thoarse\tnow.\tDo\tyou\tlike\tme\tsaying\tthat?\tshe\tsays. Yeah,\ta\tlot. Will\tyou\ttell\tme\tI\tbelong\tto\tyou? What\tdo\tyou\tmean?\the\tsays. She\t says\t nothing,\t just\t breathes\t hard\t into\t the\t quilt\t and\t feels\t her\t own breath\ton\ther\tface.\tConnell\tpauses\tnow,\twaiting\tfor\ther\tto\tsay\tsomething. Will\tyou\thit\tme?\tshe\tsays. For\ta\tfew\tseconds\tshe\thears\tnothing,\tnot\teven\this\tbreath. No,\the\tsays.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tI\twant\tthat.\tSorry. She\tsays\tnothing. Is\tthat\tokay?\the\tasks.","She\tstill\tsays\tnothing. Do\tyou\twant\tto\tstop?\the\tsays. She\t nods\t her\t head.\t She\t feels\t his\t weight\t lift\t off\t her.\t She\t feels\t empty again\t and\t suddenly\t chill.\t He\t sits\t on\t the\t bed\t and\t pulls\t the\t quilt\t over himself.\t She\t lies\t there\t face\t down,\t not\t moving,\t unable\t to\t think\t of\t any acceptable\tmovement. Are\tyou\tokay?\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tsorry\tI\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto\tdo\tthat,\tI\tjust\tthink\tit would\t be\t weird.\t I\t mean,\t not\t weird,\t but\t \u2026\t I\t don\u2019t\t know.\t I\t don\u2019t\t think\t it would\tbe\ta\tgood\tidea. Her\tbreasts\tache\tfrom\tlying\tflat\tlike\tthis\tand\ther\tface\tprickles. You\tthink\tI\u2019m\tweird?\tshe\tsays. I\tdidn\u2019t\tsay\tthat.\tI\tjust\tmeant,\tyou\tknow,\tI\tdon\u2019t\twant\tthings\tto\tbe\tweird between\tus. She\t feels\t terribly\t hot\t now,\t sour\t heat,\t all\t over\t her\t skin\t and\t in\t her\t eyes. She\tsits\tup,\tfaces\tthe\twindow,\tpushes\ther\thair\tout\tof\ther\tface. I\tthink\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tgo\thome\tnow,\tif\tthat\u2019s\tokay,\tshe\tsays. Yeah.\tIf\tthat\u2019s\twhat\tyou\twant. She\t finds\t her\t clothes\t and\t puts\t them\t on.\t He\t starts\t getting\t dressed,\t he says\t he\u2019ll\t drive\t her\t home\t at\t least,\t and\t she\t says\t she\t wants\t to\t walk.\t It becomes\t a\t farcical\t competition\t between\t them,\t who\t can\t dress\t faster,\t and having\t a\t head\t start\t she\t finishes\t first\t and\t runs\t down\t the\t stairs.\t He\u2019s\t on\t the landing\t by\t the\t time\t she\t closes\t the\t front\t door\t behind\t her.\t Out\t on\t the\t street she\tfeels\tlike\ta\tpetulant\tchild,\tslamming\tthe\tdoor\ton\thim\tlike\tthat\twhile\the raced\t out\t to\t the\t landing.\t Something\t has\t come\t over\t her,\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t know what\t it\t is.\t It\t reminds\t her\t of\t how\t she\t used\t to\t feel\t in\t Sweden,\t a\t kind\t of nothingness,\t like\t there\u2019s\t no\t life\t inside\t her.\t She\t hates\t the\t person\t she\t has become,\twithout\tfeeling\tany\tpower\tto\tchange\tanything\tabout\therself.\tShe\tis someone\t even\t Connell\t finds\t disgusting,\t she\t has\t gone\t past\t what\t he\t can tolerate.\t In\t school\t they\t were\t both\t in\t the\t same\t place,\t both\t confused\t and somehow\tsuffering,\tand\tever\tsince\tthen\tshe\thas\tbelieved\tthat\tif\tthey\tcould return\t to\t that\t place\t together\t it\t would\t be\t the\t same.\t Now\t she\t knows\t that\t in the\t intervening\t years\t Connell\t has\t been\t growing\t slowly\t more\t adjusted\t to the\t world,\t a\t process\t of\t adjustment\t that\t has\t been\t steady\t if\t sometimes painful,\t while\t she\t herself\t has\t been\t degenerating,\t moving\t further\t and further\t from\t wholesomeness,\t becoming\t something\t unrecognisably debased,\tand\tthey\thave\tnothing\tleft\tin\tcommon\tat\tall. By\t the\t time\t she\t lets\t herself\t into\t her\t own\t house\t it\u2019s\t after\t ten.\t Her","mother\u2019s\t car\t isn\u2019t\t in\t the\t driveway\t and\t inside\t the\t hall\t is\t cool\t and\t sounds empty.\t She\t takes\t her\t sandals\t off\t and\t puts\t them\t on\t the\t rack,\t hangs\t her handbag\ton\ta\tcoat\thook,\tcombs\ther\tfingers\tthrough\ther\thair. At\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\thall,\tAlan\tcomes\tup\tfrom\tthe\tkitchen\twith\ta\tbottle\tof beer\tin\this\thand. Where\tthe\tfuck\twere\tyou?\the\tsays. Connell\u2019s\thouse. He\tmoves\tin\tfront\tof\tthe\tstaircase,\tswinging\tthe\tbottle\tat\this\tside. You\tshouldn\u2019t\tbe\tgoing\tover\tthere,\the\tsays. She\t shrugs.\t She\t knows\t a\t confrontation\t is\t coming\t now,\t and\t she\t can\t do nothing\t to\t stop\t it.\t It\u2019s\t moving\t towards\t her\t already\t from\t every\t direction, and\tthere\u2019s\tno\tspecial\tmove\tshe\tcan\tmake,\tno\tevasive\tgesture,\tthat\tcan\thelp her\tescape\tit. I\t thought\t you\t liked\t him,\t says\t Marianne.\t You\t did\t when\t we\t were\t in school. Yeah,\thow\twas\tI\tsupposed\tto\tknow\the\twas\tfucked\tin\tthe\thead?\tHe\u2019s\ton medication\tand\teverything,\tdid\tyou\tknow\tthat? He\u2019s\tdoing\tpretty\twell\tat\tthe\tmoment,\tI\tthink. What\tis\the\thanging\taround\tyou\tfor,\tso?\tsays\tAlan. I\tsuppose\tyou\u2019d\thave\tto\task\thim. She\ttries\tto\tmove\ttowards\tthe\tstairs\tbut\tAlan\tputs\this\tfree\thand\tdown\ton the\tbanister. I\tdon\u2019t\twant\tpeople\tgoing\taround\ttown\tsaying\tthat\tknacker\tis\triding\tmy sister,\tsays\tAlan. Can\tI\tgo\tupstairs\tnow,\tplease? Alan\tis\tgripping\this\tbeer\tbottle\tvery\ttightly.\tI\tdon\u2019t\twant\tyou\tto\tgo\tnear him\tagain,\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\twarning\tyou\tnow.\tPeople\tin\ttown\tare\ttalking\tabout you. I\t can\u2019t\t imagine\t what\t my\t life\t would\t be\t like\t if\t I\t cared\t what\t people thought\tof\tme. Before\t she\u2019s\t really\t aware\t of\t what\u2019s\t happening,\t Alan\t lifts\t his\t arm\t and throws\t the\t bottle\t at\t her.\t It\t smashes\t behind\t her\t on\t the\t tiles.\t On\t some\t level she\t knows\t that\t he\t can\u2019t\t have\t intended\t to\t hit\t her;\t they\u2019re\t only\t standing\t a few\tfeet\tapart\tand\tit\tmissed\ther\tcompletely.\tStill\tshe\truns\tpast\thim,\tup\tthe","stairs.\tShe\tfeels\ther\tbody\tracing\tthrough\tthe\tcool\tinterior\tair.\tHe\tturns\tand follows\ther\tbut\tshe\tmanages\tto\tmake\tit\tinto\ther\troom,\tpushing\therself\thard against\t the\t door,\t before\t he\t catches\t up.\t He\t tries\t the\t handle\t and\t she\t has\t to strain\t to\t keep\t it\t from\t turning.\t Then\t he\t kicks\t the\t outside\t of\t the\t door.\t Her body\tis\tvibrating\twith\tadrenaline. You\t absolute\t freak!\t Alan\t says.\t Open\t the\t fucking\t door,\t I\t didn\u2019t\t do anything! Forehead\tagainst\tthe\tsmooth\tgrain\tof\tthe\twood,\tshe\tcalls\tout:\tPlease\tjust leave\t me\t alone.\t Go\t to\t bed,\t okay?\t I\u2019ll\t clean\t up\t downstairs,\t I\t won\u2019t\t tell Denise. Open\tthe\tdoor,\the\tsays. Marianne\t leans\t the\t whole\t weight\t of\t her\t body\t against\t the\t door,\t her hands\tfirmly\tgrasping\tthe\thandle,\teyes\tscrewed\tshut.\tFrom\ta\tyoung\tage\ther life\t has\t been\t abnormal,\t she\t knows\t that.\t But\t so\t much\t is\t covered\t over\t in time\t now,\t the\t way\t leaves\t fall\t and\t cover\t a\t piece\t of\t earth,\t and\t eventually mingle\t with\t the\t soil.\t Things\t that\t happened\t to\t her\t then\t are\t buried\t in\t the earth\tof\ther\tbody.\tShe\ttries\tto\tbe\ta\tgood\tperson.\tBut\tdeep\tdown\tshe\tknows she\tis\ta\tbad\tperson,\tcorrupted,\twrong,\tand\tall\ther\tefforts\tto\tbe\tright,\tto\thave the\tright\topinions,\tto\tsay\tthe\tright\tthings,\tthese\tefforts\tonly\tdisguise\twhat\tis buried\tinside\ther,\tthe\tevil\tpart\tof\therself. Abruptly\tshe\tfeels\tthe\thandle\tslip\tfrom\tunderneath\ther\thand\tand\tbefore she\tcan\tstep\taway\tfrom\tthe\tdoor,\tit\tbangs\topen.\tShe\thears\ta\tcracking\tnoise when\tit\tconnects\twith\ther\tface,\tthen\ta\tstrange\tfeeling\tinside\ther\thead.\tShe steps\tbackwards\twhile\tAlan\tenters\tthe\troom.\tThere\u2019s\ta\tringing,\tbut\tit\u2019s\tnot so\tmuch\ta\tsound\tas\ta\tphysical\tsensation,\tlike\tthe\tfriction\tof\ttwo\timagined metal\tplates\tsomewhere\tin\ther\tskull.\tHer\tnose\tis\trunning.\tShe\u2019s\taware\tthat Alan\t is\t inside\t the\t room.\t Her\t hand\t goes\t to\t her\t face.\t Her\t nose\t is\t running really\tquite\tbadly.\tLifting\tthe\thand\taway\tnow,\tshe\tsees\tthat\ther\tfingers\tare covered\t in\t blood,\t warm\t blood,\t wet.\t Alan\t is\t saying\t something.\t The\t blood must\tbe\tcoming\tout\tof\ther\tface.\tHer\tvision\tswims\tdiagonally\tand\tthe\tsense of\tringing\tincreases. Are\tyou\tgoing\tto\tblame\tme\tfor\tthat\tnow?\tsays\tAlan. She\t puts\t her\t hand\t back\t to\t her\t nose.\t Blood\t is\t streaming\t out\t of\t her\t face so\t fast\t that\t she\t can\u2019t\t stem\t it\t with\t her\t fingers.\t It\t runs\t over\t her\t mouth\t and down\ther\tchin,\tshe\tcan\tfeel\tit.\tShe\tsees\tit\tland\tin\theavy\tdrops\ton\tthe\tblue carpet\tfibres\tbelow.","Five\tMinutes\tLater (JULY\t2014) In\tthe\tkitchen\the\ttakes\ta\tcan\tof\tbeer\tout\tof\tthe\tfridge\tand\tsits\tat\tthe\ttable\tto open\t it.\t After\t a\t minute\t the\t front\t door\t opens\t and\t he\t hears\t Lorraine\u2019s\t keys. Hey,\t he\t says,\t loud\t enough\t for\t her\t to\t hear.\t She\t comes\t in\t and\t closes\t the kitchen\tdoor.\tOn\tthe\tlino\ther\tshoes\tsound\tsticky,\tlike\tthe\twet\tsound\tof\tlips parting.\t He\t notices\t a\t fat\t moth\t resting\t on\t the\t lampshade\t overhead,\t not moving.\tLorraine\tputs\ther\thand\tsoftly\ton\tthe\ttop\tof\this\thead. Is\tMarianne\tgone\thome?\tsays\tLorraine. Yeah. What\thappened\tin\tthe\tmatch? I\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\the\tsays.\tI\tthink\tit\twent\tto\tpenalties. Lorraine\tdraws\ta\tchair\tback\tand\tsits\tdown\tbeside\thim.\tShe\tstarts\ttaking the\t pins\t out\t of\t her\t hair\t and\t laying\t them\t out\t on\t the\t table.\t He\t takes\t a mouthful\tof\tbeer\tand\tlets\tit\tget\twarm\tin\this\tmouth\tbefore\tswallowing.\tThe moth\t shuffles\t its\t wings\t overhead.\t The\t blind\t above\t the\t kitchen\t sink\t is pulled\t up,\t and\t he\t can\t see\t the\t faint\t black\t outline\t of\t trees\t against\t the\t sky outside. And\tI\thad\ta\tfine\ttime,\tthanks\tfor\tasking,\tsays\tLorraine. Sorry. You\u2019re\tlooking\ta\tbit\tdejected.\tDid\tsomething\thappen? He\tshakes\this\thead.\tWhen\the\tsaw\tYvonne\tlast\tweek\tshe\ttold\thim\the\twas \u2018making\t progress\u2019.\t Mental\t healthcare\t professionals\t are\t always\t using\t this hygienic\t vocabulary,\t words\t wiped\t clean\t as\t whiteboards,\t free\t of connotation,\tsexless.\tShe\tasked\tabout\this\tsense\tof\t\u2018belonging\u2019.\tYou\tused\tto say\t you\t felt\t trapped\t between\t two\t places,\t she\t said,\t not\t really\t belonging\t at home\t but\t not\t fitting\t in\t here\t either.\t Do\t you\t still\t feel\t that\t way?\t He\t just shrugged.\t The\t medication\t is\t doing\t its\t chemical\t work\t inside\t his\t brain\t now anyway,\t no\t matter\t what\t he\t does\t or\t says.\t He\t gets\t up\t and\t showers\t every morning,\t he\t turns\t up\t for\t work\t in\t the\t library,\t he\t doesn\u2019t\t really\t fantasise about\tjumping\toff\ta\tbridge.\tHe\ttakes\tthe\tmedication,\tlife\tgoes\ton. Pins\t arranged\t on\t the\t table,\t Lorraine\t starts\t teasing\t her\t hair\t out\t loosely with\ther\tfingers. Did\tyou\thear\tIsa\tGleeson\tis\tpregnant?\tshe\tsays.","I\tdid,\tyeah. Your\told\tfriend. He\tpicks\tup\tthe\tcan\tof\tbeer\tand\tweighs\tit\tin\this\thand.\tIsa\twas\this\tfirst girlfriend,\t his\t first\t ex-girlfriend.\t She\t used\t to\t call\t the\t house\t phone\t at\t night after\tthey\tbroke\tup\tand\tLorraine\twould\tanswer.\tFrom\tup\tin\this\troom,\tunder the\tcovers,\the\twould\thear\tLorraine\u2019s\tvoice\tsaying:\tI\u2019m\tsorry,\tsweetheart,\the can\u2019t\t come\t to\t the\t phone\t right\t now.\t Maybe\t you\t can\t talk\t to\t him\t in\t school. She\t had\t braces\t when\t they\t were\t going\t out\t together,\t she\t probably\t doesn\u2019t have\tthose\tanymore.\tIsa,\tyeah.\tHe\twas\tshy\taround\ther.\tShe\tused\tto\tdo\tsuch stupid\t things\t to\t make\t him\t jealous,\t but\t she\t would\t act\t innocent,\t as\t if\t it wasn\u2019t\tclear\tto\tboth\tof\tthem\twhat\tshe\twas\tdoing:\tmaybe\tshe\treally\tthought he\t couldn\u2019t\t see\t it,\t or\t maybe\t she\t couldn\u2019t\t see\t it\t herself.\t He\t hated\t that.\t He just\t withdrew\t from\t her\t further\t and\t further\t until\t finally,\t in\t a\t text\t message, he\ttold\ther\the\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto\tbe\ther\tboyfriend\tanymore.\tHe\thasn\u2019t\tseen\ther in\tyears\tnow. I\t don\u2019t\t know\t why\t she\u2019s\t keeping\t it,\t he\t says.\t Do\t you\t think\t she\u2019s\t one\t of these\tanti-abortion\tpeople? Oh,\t is\t that\t the\t only\t reason\t women\t have\t babies,\t is\t it?\t Because\t of\t some backwards\tpolitical\tview? Well,\t from\t what\t I\t hear\t she\u2019s\t not\t together\t with\t the\t dad.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know does\tshe\teven\thave\ta\tjob. I\tdidn\u2019t\thave\ta\tjob\twhen\tI\thad\tyou,\tsays\tLorraine. He\tstares\tat\tthe\tintricate\twhite-and-red\ttypeface\ton\tthe\tcan\tof\tbeer,\tthe crest\tof\tthe\t\u2018B\u2019\tlooping\tback\tand\tinwards\tagain\ttowards\titself. And\tdo\tyou\tnot\tregret\tit?\the\tsays.\tI\tknow\tyou\u2019re\tgoing\tto\ttry\tand\tspare my\t feelings\t now,\t but\t honestly.\t Do\t you\t not\t think\t you\t could\t have\t had\t a better\tlife\tif\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\thave\ta\tkid? Lorraine\tturns\tto\tstare\tat\thim\tnow,\ther\tface\tfrozen. Oh\tgod,\tshe\tsays.\tWhy?\tIs\tMarianne\tpregnant? What?\tNo. She\t laughs,\t presses\t a\t hand\t to\t her\t breastbone.\t That\u2019s\t good,\t she\t says. Jesus. I\tmean,\tI\tassume\tnot,\the\tadds.\tIt\twouldn\u2019t\thave\tanything\tto\tdo\twith\tme if\tshe\twas. His\tmother\tpauses,\thand\tstill\tat\ther\tchest,\tand\tthen\tsays\tdiplomatically: Well,\tthat\u2019s\tnone\tof\tmy\tbusiness.","What\t does\t that\t mean,\t you\t think\t I\u2019m\t lying?\t There\u2019s\t nothing\t going\t on there,\ttrust\tme. For\t a\t few\t seconds\t Lorraine\t says\t nothing.\t He\t swallows\t some\t beer\t and puts\t the\t can\t down\t on\t the\t table.\t It\t is\t extremely\t irritating\t that\t his\t mother thinks\t he\t and\t Marianne\t are\t together,\t when\t the\t closest\t they\t have\t come\t in years\tto\tactually\tbeing\ttogether\twas\tearlier\tthis\tevening,\tand\tit\tended\twith him\tcrying\talone\tin\this\troom. You\u2019re\t just\t coming\t home\t every\t weekend\t to\t see\t your\t beloved\t mother, then,\tare\tyou?\tshe\tsays. He\tshrugs.\tIf\tyou\tdon\u2019t\twant\tme\tto\tcome\thome,\tI\twon\u2019t,\the\tsays. Oh,\tcome\ton\tnow. She\t gets\t up\t to\t fill\t the\t kettle.\t He\t watches\t her\t idly\t while\t she\t tamps\t her teabag\tdown\tinto\ther\tfavourite\tcup,\tthen\the\trubs\tat\this\teyes\tagain.\tHe\tfeels like\the\thas\truined\tthe\tlife\tof\teveryone\twho\thas\tever\teven\tmarginally\tliked him. * In\t April,\t Connell\t sent\t one\t of\t his\t short\t stories,\t the\t only\t really\t completed one,\tto\tSadie\tDarcy-O\u2019Shea.\tShe\temailed\tback\twithin\tan\thour: Connell\tit\u2019s\tincredible!\tlet\tus\tpublish\tit\tplease!\txxx When\the\tread\tthis\tmessage\this\tpulse\thammered\tall\tover\this\tbody,\tloud\tand hard\t like\t a\t machine.\t He\t had\t to\t lie\t down\t and\t stare\t at\t the\t white\t ceiling. Sadie\t was\t the\t editor\t of\t the\t college\t literary\t journal.\t Finally\t he\t sat\t up\t and wrote\tback: I\u2019m\tglad\tyou\tliked\tit\tbut\tI\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tit\u2019s\tgood\tenough\tto\tbe published\tyet,\tthanks\tthough. Instantly\tSadie\treplied: PLEASE?\tXXX Connell\u2019s\tentire\tbody\twas\tpounding\tlike\ta\tconveyor\tbelt.\tNo\tone\thad\tever read\t a\t word\t of\t his\t work\t before\t that\t moment.\t It\t was\t a\t wild\t new\t landscape of\t experience.\t He\t paced\t around\t the\t room\t massaging\t his\t neck\t for\t a\t while. Then\the\ttyped\tback: Ok,\thow\tabout\tthis,\tyou\tcan\tpublish\tit\tunder\ta\tpseudonym.\tBut\tyou also\thave\tto\tpromise\tyou\twon\u2019t\ttell\tanyone\twho\twrote\tit,\teven\tthe other\tpeople\twho\tedit\tthe\tmagazine.\tOk?","Sadie\twrote\tback: haha\tso\tmysterious,\tI\tlove\tit!\tthank\tyou\tmy\tdarling!\tmy\tlips\tare forever\tsealed\txxx His\tstory\tappeared,\tunedited,\tin\tthe\tMay\tissue\tof\tthe\tmagazine.\tHe\tfound\ta copy\t in\t the\t Arts\t Block\t the\t morning\t it\t was\t printed\t and\t flipped\t straight\t to the\t page\t where\t the\t story\t appeared,\t under\t the\t pseudonym\t \u2018Conor McCready\u2019.\t That\t doesn\u2019t\t even\t sound\t like\t a\t real\t name,\t he\t thought.\t All around\t him\t in\t the\t Arts\t Block\t people\t were\t filing\t into\t morning\t lectures, holding\t coffee\t and\t talking.\t On\t the\t first\t page\t of\t the\t text\t alone\t Connell noticed\ttwo\terrors.\tHe\thad\tto\tshut\tthe\tmagazine\tfor\ta\tfew\tseconds\tthen\tand take\t deep\t breaths.\t Students\t and\t faculty\t members\t continued\t to\t walk\t past, heedless\t of\t his\t turmoil.\t He\t reopened\t the\t magazine\t and\t continued\t reading. Another\terror.\tHe\twanted\tto\tcrawl\tunder\ta\tplant\tand\tburrow\tinto\tthe\tearth. That\twas\tit,\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\tpublication\tordeal.\tBecause\tno\tone\tknew\the\thad written\t the\t story\t he\t could\t not\t canvass\t anyone\u2019s\t reaction,\t and\t he\t never heard\tfrom\ta\tsingle\tsoul\twhether\tit\twas\tconsidered\tgood\tor\tbad.\tIn\ttime\the began\tto\tbelieve\tit\thad\tonly\tbeen\tpublished\tin\tthe\tfirst\tplace\tbecause\tSadie was\tlacking\tmaterial\tfor\tan\tupcoming\tdeadline.\tOverall\tthe\texperience\thad caused\thim\tfar\tmore\tdistress\tthan\tpleasure.\tNonetheless\the\tkept\ttwo\tcopies of\tthe\tmagazine,\tone\tin\tDublin\tand\tone\tunder\this\tmattress\tat\thome. * How\tcome\tMarianne\twent\thome\tso\tearly?\tsays\tLorraine. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow. Is\tthat\twhy\tyou\u2019re\tin\ta\tfoul\tmood? What\u2019s\tthe\timplication?\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tpining\tafter\ther,\tis\tthat\twhat\tyou\u2019re saying? Lorraine\t opens\t her\t hands\t as\t if\t to\t say\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t know,\t and\t then\t sits back\t down\t waiting\t for\t the\t kettle\t to\t boil.\t He\u2019s\t embarrassed\t now,\t which makes\t him\t cross.\t Whatever\t there\t is\t between\t him\t and\t Marianne,\t nothing good\thas\tever\tcome\tof\tit.\tIt\thas\tonly\tever\tcaused\tconfusion\tand\tmisery\tfor everyone.\t He\t can\u2019t\t help\t Marianne,\t no\t matter\t what\t he\t does.\t There\u2019s something\t frightening\t about\t her,\t some\t huge\t emptiness\t in\t the\t pit\t of\t her being.\tIt\u2019s\tlike\twaiting\tfor\ta\tlift\tto\tarrive\tand\twhen\tthe\tdoors\topen\tnothing is\t there,\t just\t the\t terrible\t dark\t emptiness\t of\t the\t elevator\t shaft,\t on\t and\t on forever.\t She\u2019s\t missing\t some\t primal\t instinct,\t self-defence\t or\t self- preservation,\t which\t makes\t other\t human\t beings\t comprehensible.\t You\t lean in\texpecting\tresistance,\tand\teverything\tjust\tfalls\taway\tin\tfront\tof\tyou.\tStill, he\twould\tlie\tdown\tand\tdie\tfor\ther\tat\tany\tminute,\twhich\tis\tthe\tonly\tthing\the","knows\tabout\thimself\tthat\tmakes\thim\tfeel\tlike\ta\tworthwhile\tperson. What\thappened\ttonight\twas\tinevitable.\tHe\tknows\thow\the\tcould\tmake\tit sound,\t to\t Yvonne,\t or\t even\t to\t Niall,\t or\t some\t other\t imagined\t interlocutor: Marianne\t is\t a\t masochist\t and\t Connell\t is\t simply\t too\t nice\t of\t a\t guy\t to\t hit\t a woman.\tThis,\tafter\tall,\tis\tthe\tliteral\tlevel\ton\twhich\tthe\tincident\ttook\tplace. She\tasked\thim\tto\thit\ther\tand\twhen\the\tsaid\the\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto,\tshe\twanted\tto stop\t having\t sex.\t So\t why,\t despite\t its\t factual\t accuracy,\t does\t this\t feel\t like\t a dishonest\t way\t of\t narrating\t what\t happened?\t What\t is\t the\t missing\t element, the\t excluded\t part\t of\t the\t story\t that\t explains\t what\t upset\t them\t both?\t It\t has something\tto\tdo\twith\ttheir\thistory,\the\tknows\tthat.\tEver\tsince\tschool\the\thas understood\this\tpower\tover\ther.\tHow\tshe\tresponds\tto\this\tlook\tor\tthe\ttouch of\t his\t hand.\t The\t way\t her\t face\t colours,\t and\t she\t goes\t still\t as\t if\t awaiting some\t spoken\t order.\t His\t effortless\t tyranny\t over\t someone\t who\t seems,\t to other\tpeople,\tso\tinvulnerable.\tHe\thas\tnever\tbeen\table\tto\treconcile\thimself to\tthe\tidea\tof\tlosing\tthis\thold\tover\ther,\tlike\ta\tkey\tto\tan\tempty\tproperty,\tleft available\tfor\tfuture\tuse.\tIn\tfact\the\thas\tcultivated\tit,\tand\the\tknows\the\thas. What\u2019s\tleft\tfor\tthem,\tthen?\tThere\tdoesn\u2019t\tseem\tto\tbe\ta\thalfway\tposition anymore.\t Too\t much\t has\t passed\t between\t them\t for\t that.\t So\t it\u2019s\t over,\t and they\u2019re\t just\t nothing?\t What\t would\t it\t even\t mean,\t to\t be\t nothing\t to\t her?\t He could\tavoid\ther,\tbut\tas\tsoon\tas\the\tsaw\ther\tagain,\teven\tif\tthey\tonly\tglanced at\tone\tanother\toutside\ta\tlecture\thall,\tthe\tglance\tcould\tnot\tcontain\tnothing. He\tcould\tnever\treally\twant\tit\tto.\tHe\thas\tsincerely\twanted\tto\tdie,\tbut\the\thas never\t sincerely\t wanted\t Marianne\t to\t forget\t about\t him.\t That\u2019s\t the\t only\t part of\thimself\the\twants\tto\tprotect,\tthe\tpart\tthat\texists\tinside\ther. The\t kettle\t comes\t to\t the\t boil.\t Lorraine\t sweeps\t the\t line\t of\t hairpins\t into the\t palm\t of\t her\t hand,\t closes\t her\t fist\t around\t them\t and\t pockets\t them.\t She gets\tup\tthen,\tfills\tthe\tcup\tof\ttea,\tadds\tmilk,\tand\tputs\tthe\tbottle\tback\tin\tthe fridge.\tHe\twatches\ther. Okay,\tshe\tsays.\tTime\tfor\tbed. Alright.\tSleep\twell. He\t hears\t her\t touch\t the\t handle\t of\t the\t door\t behind\t him\t but\t it\t doesn\u2019t open.\tHe\tturns\taround\tand\tshe\u2019s\tstanding\tthere,\tlooking\tat\thim. I\t don\u2019t\t regret\t it,\t by\t the\t way,\t she\t says.\t Having\t a\t baby.\t It\t was\t the\t best decision\tI\u2019ve\tever\tmade\tin\tmy\tlife.\tI\tlove\tyou\tmore\tthan\tanything\tand\tI\u2019m very\tproud\tthat\tyou\u2019re\tmy\tson.\tI\thope\tyou\tknow\tthat. He\tlooks\tback\tat\ther.\tQuickly\the\tclears\this\tthroat. I\tlove\tyou\ttoo,\the\tsays.","Goodnight,\tthen. She\tcloses\tthe\tdoor\tbehind\ther.\tHe\tlistens\tto\ther\tfootsteps\tup\tthe\tstairs. After\t a\t few\t minutes\t have\t passed\t he\t gets\t up,\t empties\t the\t dregs\t of\t his\t beer down\tthe\tsink\tand\tputs\tthe\tcan\tquietly\tin\tthe\trecycling\tbin. On\t the\t table\t his\t phone\t starts\t ringing.\t It\u2019s\t set\t to\t vibrate\t so\t it\t starts shimmying\t around\t the\t surface\t of\t the\t table,\t catching\t the\t light.\t He\t goes\t to get\t it\t before\t it\t falls\t over\t the\t edge,\t and\t he\t sees\t it\u2019s\t Marianne\t calling.\t He pauses.\tHe\tlooks\tat\tthe\tscreen.\tFinally\the\tslides\tthe\tanswer\tbutton. Hey,\the\tsays. He\tcan\thear\ther\tbreath\thard\ton\tthe\tother\tend\tof\tthe\tline.\tHe\tasks\tif\tshe\u2019s okay. I\u2019m\treally\tsorry\tabout\tthis,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tfeel\tlike\tan\tidiot. Her\t voice\t in\t the\t phone\t sounds\t clouded,\t like\t she\t has\t a\t bad\t cold,\t or something\t in\t her\t mouth.\t Connell\t swallows\t and\t walks\t over\t to\t the\t kitchen window. About\tearlier?\the\tsays.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tthinking\tabout\tit\tas\twell. No,\tit\u2019s\tnot\tthat.\tIt\u2019s\treally\tstupid.\tI\tjust\ttripped\tor\tsomething\tand\tI\thave a\t small\t injury.\t I\u2019m\t sorry\t to\t bother\t you\t about\t it.\t It\u2019s\t nothing.\t I\t just\t don\u2019t know\twhat\tto\tdo. He\tputs\this\thand\ton\tthe\tsink. Where\tare\tyou?\the\tsays. I\u2019m\tat\thome.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tserious,\tit\tjust\thurts,\tthat\u2019s\tall.\tI\tdon\u2019t\treally\tknow why\tI\u2019m\tcalling.\tI\u2019m\tsorry. Can\tI\tcome\tget\tyou? She\tpauses.\tIn\ta\tmuffled\tvoice\tshe\treplies:\tYes,\tplease. I\u2019m\ton\tmy\tway,\the\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tgetting\tin\tthe\tcar\tright\tnow,\tokay? Sandwiching\t the\t phone\t between\t his\t ear\t and\t shoulder,\t he\t fishes\t his\t left shoe\tout\tfrom\tunder\tthe\ttable\tand\tpulls\tit\ton. This\tis\treally\tnice\tof\tyou,\tsays\tMarianne\tin\this\tear. I\u2019ll\t see\t you\t in\t a\t few\t minutes.\t I\u2019m\t leaving\t right\t now.\t Alright?\t See\t you soon. Outside\the\tgets\tin\tthe\tcar\tand\tstarts\tthe\tengine.\tThe\tradio\tcomes\ton\tand he\tsnaps\tit\toff\twith\ta\tflat\thand.\tHis\tbreath\tisn\u2019t\tright.\tAfter\tonly\tone\tdrink he\tfeels\tout\tof\tit,\tnot\talert\tenough,\tor\ttoo\talert,\ttwitchy.\tThe\tcar\tis\ttoo\tsilent","but\the\tcan\u2019t\tstand\tthe\tidea\tof\tthe\tradio.\tHis\thands\tfeel\tdamp\ton\tthe\tsteering wheel.\t Turning\t left\t onto\t Marianne\u2019s\t street,\t he\t can\t see\t the\t light\t in\t her bedroom\twindow.\tHe\tindicates\tand\tpulls\tinto\tthe\tempty\tdriveway.\tWhen\the shuts\tthe\tcar\tdoor\tbehind\thim,\tthe\tnoise\techoes\toff\tthe\tstone\tfacade\tof\tthe house. He\t rings\t the\t doorbell,\t and\t almost\t straight\t away\t the\t door\t opens. Marianne\t is\t standing\t there,\t her\t right\t hand\t on\t the\t door,\t her\t left\t hand covering\ther\tface,\tholding\ta\tcrumpled\ttissue.\tHer\teyes\tare\tpuffy\tlike\tshe\u2019s been\t crying.\t Connell\t notices\t that\t her\t T-shirt,\t her\t skirt\t and\t part\t of\t her\t left wrist\t are\t stained\t with\t blood.\t The\t proportions\t of\t the\t visual\t environment around\t him\t shudder\t in\t and\t out\t of\t focus,\t like\t someone\t has\t picked\t up\t the world\tand\tshaken\tit,\thard. What\thappened?\the\tsays. Footsteps\t come\t thumping\t down\t the\t stairs\t behind\t her.\t Connell,\t as\t if viewing\tthe\tscene\tthrough\tsome\tkind\tof\tcosmic\ttelescope,\tsees\ther\tbrother reach\tthe\tbottom\tof\tthe\tstaircase. Why\thave\tyou\tgot\tblood\ton\tyou?\tsays\tConnell. I\tthink\tmy\tnose\tis\tbroken,\tshe\tsays. Who\u2019s\tthat?\tsays\tAlan\tbehind\ther.\tWho\u2019s\tat\tthe\tdoor? Do\tyou\tneed\tto\tgo\tto\thospital?\tsays\tConnell. She\t shakes\t her\t head,\t she\t says\t it\t doesn\u2019t\t need\t emergency\t attention,\t she looked\t it\t up\t online.\t She\t can\t go\t to\t the\t doctor\t tomorrow\t if\t it\t still\t hurts. Connell\tnods. Was\tit\thim?\tsays\tConnell. She\tnods.\tHer\teyes\thave\ta\tfrightened\tlook. Get\tin\tthe\tcar,\tConnell\tsays. She\t looks\t at\t him,\t not\t moving\t her\t hands.\t Her\t face\t is\t still\t covered\t with the\ttissue.\tHe\tshakes\tthe\tkeys. Go,\the\tsays. She\ttakes\ther\thand\tfrom\tthe\tdoor\tand\topens\ther\tpalm.\tHe\tputs\tthe\tkeys into\tit\tand,\tstill\tlooking\tat\thim,\tshe\twalks\toutside. Where\tare\tyou\tgoing?\tsays\tAlan. Connell\t stands\t just\t inside\t the\t front\t door\t now.\t A\t coloured\t haze\t sweeps over\tthe\tdriveway\tas\the\twatches\tMarianne\tget\tinto\tthe\tcar.","What\u2019s\tgoing\ton\there?\tsays\tAlan. Once\t she\u2019s\t safely\t inside\t the\t car,\t Connell\t closes\t over\t the\t front\t door,\t so that\the\tand\tAlan\tare\talone\ttogether. What\tare\tyou\tdoing?\tsays\tAlan. Connell,\this\tsight\teven\tblurrier\tnow,\tcan\u2019t\ttell\twhether\tAlan\tis\tangry\tor frightened. I\tneed\tto\ttalk\tto\tyou,\tConnell\tsays. His\tvision\tis\tswimming\tso\tseverely\tthat\the\tnotices\the\thas\tto\tkeep\ta\thand on\tthe\tdoor\tto\tstay\tupright. I\tdidn\u2019t\tdo\tanything,\tsays\tAlan. Connell\twalks\ttowards\tAlan\tuntil\tAlan\tis\tstanding\twith\this\tback\tagainst the\t banister.\t He\t seems\t smaller\t now,\t and\t scared.\t He\t calls\t for\t his\t mother, turning\t his\t head\t until\t his\t neck\t strains,\t but\t no\t one\t appears\t from\t up\t the stairs.\tConnell\u2019s\tface\tis\twet\twith\tperspiration.\tAlan\u2019s\tface\tis\tvisible\tonly\tas a\tpattern\tof\tcoloured\tdots. If\t you\t ever\t touch\t Marianne\t again,\t I\u2019ll\t kill\t you,\t he\t says.\t Okay?\t That\u2019s all.\tSay\tone\tbad\tthing\tto\ther\tever\tagain\tand\tI\u2019ll\tcome\tback\there\tmyself\tand kill\tyou,\tthat\u2019s\tit. It\tseems\tto\tConnell,\tthough\the\tcan\u2019t\tsee\tor\thear\tvery\twell,\tthat\tAlan\tis now\tcrying. Do\tyou\tunderstand\tme?\tConnell\tsays.\tSay\tyes\tor\tno. Alan\tsays:\tYes. Connell\tturns\taround,\twalks\tout\tthe\tfront\tdoor\tand\tcloses\tit\tbehind\thim. In\t the\t car\t Marianne\t is\t waiting\t silently,\t one\t hand\t clutched\t to\t her\t face, the\t other\t lying\t limp\t in\t her\t lap.\t Connell\t sits\t in\t the\t driver\u2019s\t seat\t and\t wipes his\t mouth\t with\t his\t sleeve.\t They\t are\t sealed\t into\t the\t car\u2019s\t compact\t silence together.\tHe\tlooks\tat\ther.\tShe\u2019s\tbent\tover\ther\tlap\ta\tlittle,\tas\tif\tin\tpain. I\u2019m\tsorry\tto\tbother\tyou,\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019m\tsorry.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tknow\twhat\tto\tdo. Don\u2019t\t say\t sorry.\t It\u2019s\t good\t you\t called\t me.\t Okay?\t Look\t at\t me\t for\t a second.\tNo\tone\tis\tgoing\tto\thurt\tyou\tlike\tthat\tagain. She\tlooks\tat\thim\tabove\tthe\tveil\tof\twhite\ttissue,\tand\tin\ta\trush\the\tfeels\this power\tover\ther\tagain,\tthe\topenness\tin\ther\teyes. Everything\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tbe\talright,\the\tsays.\tTrust\tme.\tI\tlove\tyou,\tI\u2019m\tnot going\tto\tlet\tanything\tlike\tthat\thappen\tto\tyou\tagain.","For\t a\t second\t or\t two\t she\t holds\t his\t gaze\t and\t then\t finally\t she\t closes\t her eyes.\t She\t sits\t back\t in\t the\t passenger\t seat,\t head\t against\t the\t headrest,\t hand still\tclutching\tthe\ttissue\tat\ther\tface.\tIt\tseems\tto\thim\tan\tattitude\tof\textreme weariness,\tor\trelief. Thank\tyou,\tshe\tsays. He\t starts\t the\t car\t and\t pulls\t out\t of\t the\t driveway.\t His\t vision\t has\t settled, objects\thave\tsolidified\tbefore\this\teyes\tagain,\tand\the\tcan\tbreathe.\tOverhead trees\twave\tsilvery\tindividual\tleaves\tin\tsilence.","Seven\tMonths\tLater (FEBRUARY\t2015) In\tthe\tkitchen\tMarianne\tpours\thot\twater\ton\tthe\tcoffee.\tThe\tsky\tis\tlow\tand woollen\t out\t the\t window,\t and\t while\t the\t coffee\t brews\t she\t goes\t and\t places her\tforehead\ton\tthe\tglass.\tGradually\tthe\tmist\tof\ther\tbreath\thides\tthe\tcollege from\t view:\t the\t trees\t turn\t soft,\t the\t Old\t Library\t a\t heavy\t cloud.\t Students crossing\tFront\tSquare\tin\twinter\tcoats,\tarms\tfolded,\tdisappear\tinto\tsmudges and\t then\t disappear\t entirely.\t Marianne\t is\t neither\t admired\t nor\t reviled anymore.\tPeople\thave\tforgotten\tabout\ther.\tShe\u2019s\ta\tnormal\tperson\tnow.\tShe walks\t by\t and\t no\t one\t looks\t up.\t She\t swims\t in\t the\t college\t pool,\t eats\t in\t the Dining\tHall\twith\tdamp\thair,\twalks\taround\tthe\tcricket\tpitch\tin\tthe\tevening. Dublin\t is\t extraordinarily\t beautiful\t to\t her\t in\t wet\t weather,\t the\t way\t grey stone\tdarkens\tto\tblack,\tand\train\tmoves\tover\tthe\tgrass\tand\twhispers\ton\tslick roof\ttiles.\tRaincoats\tglistening\tin\tthe\tundersea\tcolour\tof\tstreet\tlamps.\tRain silver\tas\tloose\tchange\tin\tthe\tglare\tof\ttraffic. She\t wipes\t the\t window\t with\t her\t sleeve\t and\t goes\t to\t get\t cups\t from\t the press.\tShe\thas\twork\tfrom\tten\tuntil\ttwo\ttoday\tand\tthen\ta\tseminar\ton\tmodern France.\t At\t work\t she\t answers\t emails\t telling\t people\t that\t her\t boss\t is unavailable\tfor\tmeetings.\tIt\u2019s\tunclear\tto\ther\twhat\the\treally\tdoes.\tHe\u2019s\tnever available\t to\t meet\t any\t of\t the\t people\t who\t want\t to\t meet\t him,\t so\t she concludes\t that\t he\u2019s\t either\t very\t busy\t or\t just\t permanently\t idle.\t When\t he appears\t in\t the\t office\t he\t often\t provocatively\t lights\t a\t cigarette,\t as\t if\t to\t test Marianne.\t But\t what\t is\t the\t nature\t of\t the\t test?\t She\t sits\t there\t at\t her\t desk breathing\tin\ther\tusual\tway.\tHe\tlikes\tto\ttalk\tabout\thow\tintelligent\the\tis.\tIt\u2019s boring\tto\tlisten\tto\thim\tbut\tnot\tstrenuous.\tAt\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\tweek\the\thands her\t an\t envelope\t full\t of\t cash.\t Joanna\t was\t shocked\t when\t she\t heard\t about that.\tWhat\tis\the\tdoing\tpaying\tyou\tin\tcash?\tshe\tsaid.\tIs\the\tlike\ta\tdrug\tdealer or\t something?\t Marianne\t said\t she\t thought\t he\t was\t some\t kind\t of\t property developer.\tOh,\tsaid\tJoanna.\tWow,\tthat\u2019s\tmuch\tworse. Marianne\t presses\t the\t coffee\t and\t fills\t two\t cups.\t In\t one\t cup:\t a\t quarter- spoon\t of\t sugar,\t a\t splash\t of\t milk.\t The\t other\t cup\t just\t black,\t no\t sugar.\t She puts\tthem\ton\tthe\ttray\tas\tusual,\tpads\tup\tthe\thallway\tand\tknocks\tthe\tcorner of\tthe\ttray\ton\tthe\tdoor.\tNo\tresponse.\tShe\thefts\tthe\ttray\tagainst\ther\thip\twith her\tleft\thand\tand\topens\tthe\tdoor\twith\ther\tright.\tThe\troom\tsmells\tdense,\tlike sweat\t and\t stale\t alcohol,\t and\t the\t yellow\t curtains\t over\t the\t sash\t window\t are still\tshut.\tShe\tclears\ta\tspace\ton\tthe\tdesk\tto\tput\tthe\ttray\tdown,\tand\tthen\tsits on\t the\t wheelie\t chair\t to\t drink\t her\t coffee.\t It\t tastes\t slightly\t sour,\t not\t unlike the\tair\taround\ther.\tThis\tis\ta\tpleasant\ttime\tof\tday\tfor\tMarianne,\tbefore\twork","begins.\tWhen\ther\tcup\tis\tempty\tshe\treaches\ta\thand\tout\tand\tlifts\ta\tcorner\tof the\tcurtain\twith\ther\tfingers.\tWhite\tlight\tfloods\tthe\tdesk. Presently,\tfrom\tthe\tbed,\tConnell\tsays:\tI\tam\tawake\tactually. How\tare\tyou\tfeeling? Alright,\tyeah. She\t brings\t him\t the\t cup\t of\t black\t unsweetened\t coffee.\t He\t rolls\t over\t in bed\t and\t addresses\t her\t with\t small\t squinting\t eyes.\t She\t sits\t down\t on\t the mattress. Sorry\tabout\tlast\tnight,\the\tsays. Sadie\thas\ta\tthing\tfor\tyou,\tyou\tknow. Do\tyou\tthink? He\tpulls\this\tpillow\tup\tagainst\tthe\theadboard\tand\ttakes\tthe\tcup\tfrom\ther hands.\tAfter\tone\tlarge\tmouthful\the\tswallows\tand\tlooks\tat\tMarianne\tagain, still\tsquinting\tso\tthat\this\tleft\teye\tis\tscrewed\tshut. Wouldn\u2019t\tbe\tremotely\tmy\ttype,\the\tadds. I\tnever\tknow\twith\tyou. He\tshakes\this\thead,\tdrinks\tanother\tmouthful\tof\tcoffee,\tswallows. Yes\tyou\tdo,\the\tsays.\tYou\tlike\tto\tthink\tof\tpeople\tas\tmysterious,\tbut\tI\u2019m really\tnot\ta\tmysterious\tperson. She\tconsiders\tthis\twhile\the\tfinishes\this\tcup\tof\tcoffee. I\tguess\teveryone\tis\ta\tmystery\tin\ta\tway,\tshe\tsays.\tI\tmean,\tyou\tcan\tnever really\tknow\tanother\tperson,\tand\tso\ton. Yeah.\tDo\tyou\tactually\tthink\tthat,\tthough? It\u2019s\twhat\tpeople\tsay. What\tdo\tI\tnot\tknow\tabout\tyou?\the\tsays. Marianne\tsmiles,\tyawns,\tlifts\ther\thands\tin\ta\tshrug. People\tare\ta\tlot\tmore\tknowable\tthan\tthey\tthink\tthey\tare,\the\tadds. Can\tI\tget\tin\tthe\tshower\tfirst\tor\tdo\tyou\twant\tto? No,\tyou\tgo.\tCan\tI\tuse\tyour\tlaptop\tto\tcheck\tsome\temails\tand\tstuff? Yeah,\tgo\tahead,\tshe\tsays. In\tthe\tbathroom\tthe\tlight\tis\tblue\tand\tclinical.\tShe\topens\tthe\tshower\tdoor and\tturns\tthe\thandle,\twaits\tfor\tthe\twater\tto\tget\twarm.\tIn\tthe\tmeantime\tshe","brushes\t her\t teeth\t quickly,\t spits\t white\t lather\t neatly\t down\t the\t drain,\t and takes\ther\thair\tdown\tfrom\tthe\tknot\tat\tthe\tback\tof\ther\tneck.\tThen\tshe\tstrips off\ther\tdressing\tgown\tand\thangs\tit\ton\tthe\tback\tof\tthe\tbathroom\tdoor. * Back\t in\t November,\t when\t the\t new\t editor\t of\t the\t college\t literary\t magazine resigned,\t Connell\t offered\t to\t step\t in\t until\t they\t could\t find\t someone\t else. Months\tlater\tno\tone\telse\thas\tcome\tforward\tand\tConnell\tis\tstill\tediting\tthe magazine\t himself.\t Last\t night\t was\t the\t launch\t party\t for\t the\t new\t issue,\t and Sadie\tDarcy-O\u2019Shea\tbrought\ta\tbowl\tof\tbright-pink\tvodka\tpunch\twith\tlittle pieces\t of\t fruit\t floating\t in\t it.\t Sadie\t likes\t to\t show\t up\t at\t these\t events\t to squeeze\t Connell\u2019s\t arm\t and\t have\t private\t discussions\t with\t him\t about\t his \u2018career\u2019.\t Last\t night\t he\t drank\t so\t much\t punch\t that\t he\t fell\t over\t when attempting\tto\tstand\tup.\tMarianne\tfelt\tthis\twas\tin\tsome\tsense\tSadie\u2019s\tfault, although,\t on\t the\t other\t hand,\t it\t was\t undeniably\t Connell\u2019s.\t Later,\t when Marianne\t got\t him\t back\t home\t and\t into\t bed,\t he\t asked\t her\t for\t a\t glass\t of water,\t which\t he\t spilled\t all\t over\t himself\t and\t on\t the\t duvet\t before\t passing out. Last\tsummer\tshe\tread\tone\tof\tConnell\u2019s\tstories\tfor\tthe\tfirst\ttime.\tIt\tgave her\t such\t a\t peculiar\t sense\t of\t him\t as\t a\t person\t to\t sit\t there\t with\t the\t printed pages,\tfolded\tover\tin\tthe\ttop-left\tcorner\tbecause\the\thad\tno\tstaples.\tIn\ta\tway she\tfelt\tvery\tclose\tto\thim\twhile\treading,\tas\tif\tshe\twas\twitnessing\this\tmost private\t thoughts,\t but\t she\t also\t felt\t him\t turned\t away\t from\t her,\t focused\t on some\t complex\t task\t of\t his\t own,\t one\t she\t could\t never\t be\t part\t of.\t Of\t course, Sadie\t can\t never\t be\t part\t of\t that\t task\t either,\t not\t really,\t but\t at\t least\t she\u2019s\t a writer,\t with\t a\t hidden\t imaginary\t life\t of\t her\t own.\t Marianne\u2019s\t life\t happens strictly\t in\t the\t real\t world,\t populated\t by\t real\t individuals.\t She\t thinks\t of Connell\t saying:\t People\t are\t a\t lot\t more\t knowable\t than\t they\t think\t they\t are. But\tstill\the\thas\tsomething\tshe\tlacks,\tan\tinner\tlife\tthat\tdoes\tnot\tinclude\tthe other\tperson. She\tused\tto\twonder\tif\the\treally\tloved\ther.\tIn\tbed\the\twould\tsay\tlovingly: You\u2019re\t going\t to\t do\t exactly\t what\t I\t say\t now,\t aren\u2019t\t you?\t He\t knew\t how\t to give\t her\t what\t she\t wanted,\t to\t leave\t her\t open,\t weak,\t powerless,\t sometimes crying.\tHe\tunderstood\tthat\tit\twasn\u2019t\tnecessary\tto\thurt\ther:\the\tcould\tlet\ther submit\t willingly,\t without\t violence.\t This\t all\t seemed\t to\t happen\t on\t the deepest\tpossible\tlevel\tof\ther\tpersonality.\tBut\ton\twhat\tlevel\tdid\tit\thappen\tto him?\tWas\tit\tjust\ta\tgame,\tor\ta\tfavour\the\twas\tdoing\ther?\tDid\the\tfeel\tit,\tthe way\t she\t did?\t Every\t day,\t in\t the\t ordinary\t activity\t of\t their\t lives,\t he\t showed patience\t and\t consideration\t for\t her\t feelings.\t He\t took\t care\t of\t her\t when\t she was\tsick,\the\tread\tdrafts\tof\ther\tcollege\tessays,\the\tsat\tand\tlistened\twhile\tshe talked\t about\t her\t ideas,\t disagreeing\t with\t herself\t out\t loud\t and\t changing\t her","mind.\tBut\tdid\the\tlove\ther?\tSometimes\tshe\tfelt\tlike\tsaying:\tWould\tyou\tmiss me,\t if\t you\t didn\u2019t\t have\t me\t anymore?\t She\t had\t asked\t him\t that\t once\t on\t the ghost\testate,\twhen\tthey\twere\tjust\tkids.\tHe\thad\tsaid\tyes\tthen,\tbut\tshe\u2019d\tbeen the\tonly\tthing\tin\this\tlife\tat\tthat\ttime,\tthe\tonly\tthing\the\thad\tto\thimself,\tand\tit would\tnever\tbe\tthat\tway\tagain. By\t the\t start\t of\t December\t their\t friends\t were\t asking\t about\t Christmas plans.\tMarianne\tstill\thadn\u2019t\tseen\ther\tfamily\tsince\tthe\tsummer.\tHer\tmother had\t never\t tried\t to\t contact\t her\t at\t all.\t Alan\t had\t sent\t some\t text\t messages saying\tthings\tlike:\tMum\tis\tnot\tspeaking\tto\tyou,\tshe\tsays\tyou\tare\ta\tdisgrace. Marianne\t hadn\u2019t\t replied.\t She\u2019d\t rehearsed\t in\t her\t head\t what\t kind\t of conversation\t it\t would\t be\t when\t her\t mother\t did\t finally\t get\t in\t touch,\t what accusations\twould\tbe\tmade,\twhich\ttruths\tshe\twould\tinsist\ton.\tBut\tit\tnever happened.\tHer\tbirthday\tcame\tand\twent\twithout\ta\tword\tfrom\thome.\tThen\tit was\tDecember\tand\tshe\twas\tplanning\tto\tstay\tin\tcollege\talone\tfor\tChristmas and\t get\t some\t work\t done\t on\t the\t dissertation\t she\t was\t writing\t on\t Irish carceral\t institutions\t after\t independence.\t Connell\t wanted\t her\t to\t come\t back to\t Carricklea\t with\t him.\t Lorraine\t would\t love\t to\t have\t you,\t he\t said.\t I\u2019ll\t call her,\t you\t should\t talk\t to\t her\t about\t it.\t In\t the\t end\t Lorraine\t called\t Marianne herself\tand\tpersonally\tinvited\ther\tto\tstay\tfor\tChristmas.\tMarianne,\ttrusting that\tLorraine\tknew\twhat\twas\tright,\taccepted. On\t the\t way\t home\t from\t Dublin\t in\t the\t car,\t she\t and\t Connell\t talked without\t stopping,\t joking\t and\t putting\t on\t funny\t voices\t to\t make\t each\t other laugh.\t Looking\t back\t now,\t Marianne\t wonders\t if\t they\t were\t nervous.\t When they\t got\t to\t Foxfield\t it\t was\t dark\t and\t the\t windows\t were\t full\t of\t coloured lights.\t Connell\t carried\t their\t bags\t in\t from\t the\t boot.\t In\t the\t living\t room Marianne\tsat\tby\tthe\tfire\twhile\tLorraine\tmade\ttea.\tThe\ttree,\tpacked\tbetween the\t television\t and\t couch,\t was\t blinking\t light\t in\t repetitive\t patterns.\t Connell came\t in\t carrying\t a\t cup\t of\t tea\t and\t put\t it\t on\t the\t arm\t of\t her\t chair.\t Before sitting\t down\t he\t stopped\t to\t rearrange\t a\t piece\t of\t tinsel.\t It\t did\t look\t much better\twhere\the\tput\tit.\tMarianne\u2019s\tface\tand\thands\twere\tvery\thot\tby\tthe\tfire. Lorraine\t came\t in\t and\t started\t telling\t Connell\t about\t which\t relatives\t had visited\talready,\tand\twhich\twere\tvisiting\ttomorrow,\tand\tso\ton.\tMarianne\tfelt so\trelaxed\tthen\tthat\tshe\talmost\twanted\tto\tclose\ther\teyes\tand\tsleep. The\t house\t in\t Foxfield\t was\t busy\t over\t Christmas.\t Late\t into\t the\t night people\t would\t be\t arriving\t and\t leaving,\t brandishing\t wrapped\t biscuit\t tins\t or bottles\t of\t whiskey.\t Children\t ran\t past\t at\t knee\t height\t yelling\t unintelligibly. Someone\tbrought\ta\tPlay-Station\tover\tone\tnight\tand\tConnell\tstayed\tup\tuntil two\t in\t the\t morning\t playing\t FIFA\t with\t one\t of\t his\t younger\t cousins,\t their bodies\t greenish\t in\t the\t screen\t light,\t a\t look\t of\t almost\t religious\t intensity\t on Connell\u2019s\t face.\t Marianne\t and\t Lorraine\t were\t in\t the\t kitchen\t mostly,\t rinsing","dirty\t glasses\t in\t the\t sink,\t opening\t chocolate\t boxes,\t endlessly\t refilling\t the kettle.\tOnce\tthey\theard\ta\tvoice\texclaim\tfrom\tthe\tfront\troom:\tConnell\thas\ta girlfriend?\t And\t another\t voice\t replied:\t Yeah,\t she\u2019s\t in\t the\t kitchen.\t Lorraine and\t Marianne\t exchanged\t a\t look.\t They\t heard\t a\t brief\t thunder\t of\t footsteps, and\t then\t a\t teenage\t boy\t appeared\t in\t the\t doorway\t wearing\t a\t United\t jersey. Immediately\t on\t seeing\t Marianne,\t who\t was\t standing\t at\t the\t sink,\t the\t boy became\t shy\t and\t stared\t at\t his\t feet.\t Hi\t there,\t she\t said.\t He\t flicked\t her\t a\t nod without\t making\t eye\t contact,\t and\t then\t trudged\t a\t retreat\t to\t the\t living\t room. Lorraine\tthought\tthat\twas\treally\tfunny. On\t New\t Year\u2019s\t Eve\t they\t saw\t Marianne\u2019s\t mother\t in\t the\t supermarket. She\twas\twearing\ta\tdark\tsuit\twith\ta\tyellow\tsilk\tblouse.\tShe\talways\tlooked so\t\u2018put\ttogether\u2019.\tLorraine\tsaid\thello\tpolitely\tand\tDenise\tjust\twalked\tpast, not\t speaking,\t eyes\t ahead.\t No\t one\t knew\t what\t she\t believed\t her\t grievance was.\t In\t the\t car\t after\t the\t supermarket\t Lorraine\t reached\t back\t from\t the passenger\t seat\t to\t squeeze\t Marianne\u2019s\t hand.\t Connell\t started\t the\t car.\t What do\tpeople\tin\ttown\tthink\tof\ther?\tMarianne\tsaid. Who,\tyour\tmother?\tsaid\tLorraine. I\tmean,\thow\tdo\tpeople\tsee\ther? With\ta\tsympathetic\texpression\tLorraine\tsaid\tgently:\tI\tsuppose\tshe\u2019d\tbe considered\ta\tbit\todd. It\t was\t the\t first\t time\t Marianne\t had\t heard\t that,\t or\t even\t thought\t about\t it. Connell\t didn\u2019t\t engage\t in\t the\t conversation.\t That\t night\t he\t wanted\t to\t go\t out to\t Kelleher\u2019s\t for\t New\t Year\u2019s.\t He\t said\t everyone\t from\t school\t was\t going. Marianne\tsuggested\tshe\tmight\tjust\tstay\tin\tand\the\tappeared\tto\tconsider\tthis for\ta\tmoment\tbefore\tsaying:\tNo,\tyou\tshould\tcome\tout.\tShe\tlay\tface\tdown on\t the\t bed\t while\t he\t changed\t out\t of\t one\t shirt\t into\t another\t one.\t Far\t be\t it from\tme\tto\tdisobey\tan\torder,\tshe\tsaid.\tHe\tlooked\tin\tthe\tmirror\tand\tcaught her\teye.\tYeah,\texactly,\the\tsaid. Kelleher\u2019s\twas\tpacked\tthat\tnight\tand\tdamp\twith\theat.\tConnell\twas\tright, everyone\tfrom\tschool\twas\tthere.\tThey\tkept\thaving\tto\twave\tat\tpeople\tfrom a\t distance\t and\t mouth\t greetings.\t Karen\t saw\t them\t at\t the\t bar\t and\t threw\t her arms\t around\t Marianne,\t smelling\t of\t some\t faint\t but\t very\t pleasant\t perfume. I\u2019m\t so\t glad\t to\t see\t you,\t Marianne\t said.\t Come\t and\t dance\t with\t us,\t said Karen.\tConnell\tcarried\ttheir\tdrinks\tdown\tthe\tsteps\tto\tthe\tdance\tfloor,\twhere Rachel\t and\t Eric\t were\t standing,\t and\t Lisa\t and\t Jack,\t and\t Ciara\t Heffernan who\t had\t been\t in\t the\t year\t below.\t Eric\t gave\t them\t a\t mock-bow\t for\t some reason.\t Probably\t he\t was\t drunk.\t It\t was\t too\t loud\t to\t have\t an\t ordinary conversation.\t Connell\t held\t Marianne\u2019s\t drink\t while\t she\t took\t her\t coat\t off and\t stowed\t it\t under\t a\t table.\t No\t one\t was\t really\t dancing,\t just\t standing","around\t shouting\t in\t each\t other\u2019s\t ears.\t Karen\t occasionally\t made\t a\t cute boxing\tmotion,\tas\tif\tpunching\tthe\tair.\tOther\tpeople\tjoined\tthem,\tincluding some\tpeople\tMarianne\thad\tnever\tseen\tbefore,\tand\teveryone\tembraced\tand yelled\tthings. At\t midnight\t when\t they\t all\t cheered\t Happy\t New\t Year,\t Connell\t took Marianne\t into\t his\t arms\t and\t kissed\t her.\t She\t could\t feel,\t like\t a\t physical pressure\t on\t her\t skin,\t that\t the\t others\t were\t watching\t them.\t Maybe\t people hadn\u2019t\t really\t believed\t it\t until\t then,\t or\t else\t a\t morbid\t fascination\t still lingered\t over\t something\t that\t had\t once\t been\t scandalous.\t Maybe\t they\t were just\t curious\t to\t observe\t the\t chemistry\t between\t two\t people\t who,\t over\t the course\t of\t several\t years,\t apparently\t could\t not\t leave\t one\t another\t alone. Marianne\thad\tto\tadmit\tthat\tshe,\talso,\tprobably\twould\thave\tglanced.\tWhen they\t drew\t apart\t Connell\t looked\t her\t in\t the\t eyes\t and\t said:\t I\t love\t you.\t She was\t laughing\t then,\t and\t her\t face\t was\t red.\t She\t was\t in\t his\t power,\t he\t had chosen\t to\t redeem\t her,\t she\t was\t redeemed.\t It\t was\t so\t unlike\t him\t to\t behave that\tway\tin\tpublic\tthat\the\tmust\thave\tbeen\tdoing\tit\ton\tpurpose,\tto\tplease\ther. How\t strange\t to\t feel\t herself\t so\t completely\t under\t the\t control\t of\t another person,\tbut\talso\thow\tordinary.\tNo\tone\tcan\tbe\tindependent\tof\tother\tpeople completely,\tso\twhy\tnot\tgive\tup\tthe\tattempt,\tshe\tthought,\tgo\trunning\tin\tthe other\tdirection,\tdepend\ton\tpeople\tfor\teverything,\tallow\tthem\tto\tdepend\ton you,\t why\t not.\t She\t knows\t he\t loves\t her,\t she\t doesn\u2019t\t wonder\t about\t that anymore. * She\tclimbs\tout\tof\tthe\tshower\tnow\tand\twraps\therself\tin\tthe\tblue\tbath\ttowel. The\t mirror\t is\t steamed\t over.\t She\t opens\t the\t door\t and\t from\t the\t bed\t Connell looks\t back\t at\t her.\t Hello,\t she\t says.\t The\t stale\t air\t in\t the\t room\t feels\t cool\t on her\tskin.\tHe\u2019s\tsitting\tup\tin\tbed\twith\ther\tlaptop\ton\this\tlap.\tShe\tgoes\tto\ther chest\t of\t drawers,\t finds\t some\t clean\t underwear,\t starts\t to\t get\t dressed.\t He\u2019s watching\ther.\tShe\thangs\tthe\ttowel\ton\tthe\twardrobe\tdoor\tand\tputs\ther\tarms through\tthe\tsleeves\tof\ta\tshirt. Is\tsomething\tup?\tshe\tsays. I\tjust\tgot\tthis\temail. Oh?\tFrom\twho? He\t looks\t dumbly\t at\t the\t laptop\t and\t then\t back\t at\t her.\t His\t eyes\t look\t red and\t sleepy.\t She\u2019s\t doing\t the\t shirt\t buttons.\t He\u2019s\t sitting\t with\t his\t knees propped\tup\tunder\tthe\tduvet,\tthe\tlaptop\tglowing\tinto\this\tface. Connell,\tfrom\twho?\tshe\tsays. From\t this\t university\t in\t New\t York.\t It\t looks\t like\t they\u2019re\t offering\t me\t a","place\ton\tthe\tMFA.\tYou\tknow,\tthe\tcreative\twriting\tprogramme. She\tstands\tthere.\tHer\thair\tis\tstill\twet,\tsoaking\tslowly\tthrough\tthe\tcloth of\ther\tblouse. You\tdidn\u2019t\ttell\tme\tyou\tapplied\tfor\tthat,\tshe\tsays. He\tjust\tlooks\tat\ther. I\t mean,\t congratulations,\t she\t says.\t I\u2019m\t not\t surprised\t they\t would\t accept you,\tI\u2019m\tjust\tsurprised\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\tmention\tit. He\tnods,\this\tface\tinexpressive,\tand\tthen\tlooks\tback\tat\tthe\tlaptop. I\t don\u2019t\t know,\t he\t says.\t I\t should\t have\t told\t you\t but\t I\t honestly\t thought\t it was\tsuch\ta\tlong\tshot. Well,\tthat\u2019s\tno\treason\tnot\tto\ttell\tme. It\t doesn\u2019t\t matter,\t he\t adds.\t It\u2019s\t not\t like\t I\u2019m\t going\t to\t go.\t I\t don\u2019t\t even know\twhy\tI\tapplied. Marianne\t lifts\t the\t towel\t off\t the\t wardrobe\t door\t and\t starts\t using\t it\t to massage\tthe\tends\tof\ther\thair\tslowly.\tShe\tsits\tdown\tat\tthe\tdesk\tchair. Did\tSadie\tknow\tyou\twere\tapplying?\tshe\tsays. What?\tWhy\tdo\tyou\task\tthat? Did\tshe? Well,\tyeah,\the\tsays.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tsee\tthe\trelevance,\tthough. Why\tdid\tyou\ttell\ther\tand\tnot\tme? He\tsighs,\trubbing\this\teyes\twith\this\tfingertips,\tand\tthen\tshrugs. I\t don\u2019t\t know,\t he\t says.\t She\u2019s\t the\t one\t who\t told\t me\t to\t apply.\t I\t thought\t it was\ta\tstupid\tidea\thonestly,\thence\twhy\tI\tdidn\u2019t\ttell\tyou. Are\tyou\tin\tlove\twith\ther? Connell\tstares\tacross\tthe\troom\tat\tMarianne,\tnot\tmoving\tor\tbreaking\teye contact\t for\t several\t seconds.\t It\u2019s\t hard\t to\t tell\t what\t his\t face\t is\t expressing. Eventually\tshe\tlooks\taway\tto\trearrange\tthe\ttowel. Are\tyou\tjoking?\the\tsays. Why\tdon\u2019t\tyou\tanswer\tthe\tquestion? You\u2019re\tgetting\ta\tlot\tof\tstuff\tmessed\tup\there,\tMarianne.\tI\tdon\u2019t\teven\tlike Sadie\t as\t a\t friend,\t okay,\t frankly\t I\t find\t her\t annoying.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t how many\t times\t I\t have\t to\t say\t that\t to\t you.\t I\u2019m\t sorry\t I\t didn\u2019t\t tell\t you\t about\t the application\tthing\tbut\tlike,\thow\tdoes\tthat\tmake\tyou\tjump\tto\tthe\tconclusion","that\tI\u2019m\tin\tlove\twith\tsomeone\telse? Marianne\tkeeps\trubbing\tthe\ttowel\tinto\tthe\tends\tof\ther\thair. I\tdon\u2019t\tknow,\tshe\tsays\teventually.\tSometimes\tI\tfeel\tlike\tyou\twant\tto\tbe around\tpeople\twho\tunderstand\tyou. Yeah,\twhich\tis\tyou.\tIf\tI\thad\tto\tmake\ta\tlist\tof\tpeople\twho\tseverely\tdon\u2019t understand\tme,\tSadie\twould\tbe\tright\tup\tthere. Marianne\tgoes\tquiet\tagain.\tConnell\thas\tclosed\tthe\tlaptop\tnow. I\u2019m\tsorry\tI\tdidn\u2019t\ttell\tyou,\tokay?\the\tsays.\tSometimes\tI\tfeel\tembarrassed telling\t you\t stuff\t like\t that\t because\t it\t just\t seems\t stupid.\t To\t be\t honest,\t I\t still look\t up\t to\t you\t a\t lot,\t I\t don\u2019t\t want\t you\t to\t think\t of\t me\t as,\t I\t don\u2019t\t know. Deluded. She\t squeezes\t her\t hair\t through\t the\t towel,\t feeling\t the\t coarse,\t grainy texture\tof\tthe\tindividual\tstrands. You\t should\t go,\t she\t says.\t To\t New\t York,\t I\t mean.\t You\t should\t accept\t the offer,\tyou\tshould\tgo. He\t says\t nothing.\t She\t looks\t up.\t The\t wall\t behind\t him\t is\t yellow\t like\t a slab\tof\tbutter. No,\the\tsays. I\u2019m\tsure\tyou\tcould\tget\tfunding. Why\tare\tyou\tsaying\tthis?\tI\tthought\tyou\twanted\tto\tstay\there\tnext\tyear. I\tcan\tstay,\tand\tyou\tcan\tgo,\tshe\tsays.\tIt\u2019s\tjust\ta\tyear.\tI\tthink\tyou\tshould do\tit. He\tmakes\ta\tstrange,\tconfused\tnoise,\talmost\tlike\ta\tlaugh.\tHe\ttouches\this neck.\tShe\tputs\tthe\ttowel\tdown\tand\tstarts\tbrushing\tthe\tknots\tout\tof\ther\thair slowly. That\u2019s\t ridiculous,\t he\t says.\t I\u2019m\t not\t going\t to\t New\t York\t without\t you.\t I wouldn\u2019t\teven\tbe\there\tif\tit\twasn\u2019t\tfor\tyou. It\u2019s\t true,\t she\t thinks,\t he\t wouldn\u2019t\t be.\t He\t would\t be\t somewhere\t else entirely,\t living\t a\t different\t kind\t of\t life.\t He\t would\t be\t different\t with\t women even,\t and\t his\t aspirations\t for\t love\t would\t be\t different.\t And\t Marianne herself,\tshe\twould\tbe\tanother\tperson\tcompletely.\tWould\tshe\tever\thave\tbeen happy?\t And\t what\t kind\t of\t happiness\t might\t it\t have\t been?\t All\t these\t years they\u2019ve\t been\t like\t two\t little\t plants\t sharing\t the\t same\t plot\t of\t soil,\t growing around\t one\t another,\t contorting\t to\t make\t room,\t taking\t certain\t unlikely positions.\tBut\tin\tthe\tend\tshe\thas\tdone\tsomething\tfor\thim,\tshe\u2019s\tmade\ta\tnew","life\tpossible,\tand\tshe\tcan\talways\tfeel\tgood\tabout\tthat. I\u2019d\tmiss\tyou\ttoo\tmuch,\the\tsays.\tI\u2019d\tbe\tsick,\thonestly. At\tfirst.\tBut\tit\twould\tget\tbetter. They\t sit\t in\t silence\t now,\t Marianne\t moving\t the\t brush\t methodically through\t her\t hair,\t feeling\t for\t knots\t and\t slowly,\t patiently\t untangling\t them. There\u2019s\tno\tpoint\tin\tbeing\timpatient\tanymore. You\t know\t I\t love\t you,\t says\t Connell.\t I\u2019m\t never\t going\t to\t feel\t the\t same way\tfor\tsomeone\telse. She\tnods,\tokay.\tHe\u2019s\ttelling\tthe\ttruth. To\tbe\thonest,\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhat\tto\tdo,\the\tsays.\tSay\tyou\twant\tme\tto\tstay and\tI\twill. She\t closes\t her\t eyes.\t He\t probably\t won\u2019t\t come\t back,\t she\t thinks.\tOr\the will,\tdifferently.\tWhat\tthey\thave\tnow\tthey\tcan\tnever\thave\tback\tagain.\tBut for\t her\t the\t pain\t of\t loneliness\t will\t be\t nothing\t to\t the\t pain\t that\t she\t used\t to feel,\t of\t being\t unworthy.\t He\t brought\t her\t goodness\t like\t a\t gift\t and\t now\t it belongs\tto\ther.\tMeanwhile\this\tlife\topens\tout\tbefore\thim\tin\tall\tdirections\tat once.\tThey\u2019ve\tdone\ta\tlot\tof\tgood\tfor\teach\tother.\tReally,\tshe\tthinks,\treally. People\tcan\treally\tchange\tone\tanother. You\tshould\tgo,\tshe\tsays.\tI\u2019ll\talways\tbe\there.\tYou\tknow\tthat.","Acknowledgements Thanks:\t firstly\t to\t John\t Patrick\t McHugh,\t who\t was\t with\t this\t novel\t long before\t I\t had\t finished\t writing\t it,\t and\t whose\t conversation\t and\t guidance contributed\t so\t substantially\t to\t its\t development;\t to\t Thomas\t Morris\t for\t his thoughtful,\tdetailed\tfeedback\ton\tthe\tmanuscript;\tto\tDavid\tHartery\tand\tTim MacGabhann\t for\t reading\t early\t drafts\t of\t the\t novel\u2019s\t opening\t chapters\t and offering\twise\tadvice;\tto\tKen\tArmstrong,\tIarla\tMongey\tand\tall\tthe\tmembers of\t the\t Castlebar\t writers\u2019\t group\t for\t their\t early\t support\t of\t my\t writing;\t to Tracy\t Bohan\t for\t doing\t pretty\t much\t everything\t other\t than\t actually\t writing the\tbook;\tto\tMitzi\tAngel,\twho\thas\tmade\tthis\ta\tbetter\tnovel\tand\tme\ta\tbetter writer;\tto\tJohn\u2019s\tfamily;\tto\tmy\town\tfamily,\tand\tparticularly\tto\tmy\tparents; to\tKate\tOliver\tand\tAoife\tComey,\tas\tever,\tfor\ttheir\tfriendship;\tand\tto\tJohn, for\teverything.","About\tthe\tAuthor Sally\tRooney\twas\tborn\tin\t1991\tand\tlives\tin\tDublin.\tHer\twork\thas\tappeared in\tthe\tNew\tYorker,\tGranta,\tThe\tWhite\tReview,\tThe\tDublin\tReview\tand\tThe Stinging\tFly.\t Her\t debut\t novel,\t Conversations\t with\t Friends,\t was\t a\t Sunday Times,\t Observer\t and\tTelegraph\t Book\t of\t the\t Year\t and\t was\t shortlisted\t fpr the\t Dylan\t Thomas\t Prize,\t the\t Desmond\t Elliott\t Prize\t and\t the\t Rathbones Folio\t Prize.\t Rooney\t is\t the\t winner\t of\t the\t Sunday\t Times\/PFD\t Young\t Writer of\tthe\tYear\tAward."]
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