["PART\tTHREE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE APPLIED","9 Intimate\tEnemies To\t love\t and\t to\t work,\t Sigmund\t Freud\t once\t remarked\t to\t his\t disciple Erik\tErikson,\tare\tthe\ttwin\tcapacities\tthat\tmark\tfull\tmaturity.\tIf\tthat\tis the\t case,\t then\t maturity\t may\t be\t an\t endangered\t way\t station\t in\t life\u2014 and\t current\t trends\t in\t marriage\t and\t divorce\t make\t emotional intelligence\tmore\tcrucial\tthan\tever. Consider\t divorce\t rates.\t The\t rate\t per\t year\t of\t divorces\t has\t more\t or less\tleveled\toff.\tBut\tthere\tis\tanother\tway\tof\tcalculating\tdivorce\trates, one\t that\t suggests\t a\t perilous\t climb:\t looking\t at\t the\t odds\t that\t a\t given newly\t married\t couple\t will\t have\t their\t marriage\t eventually\t end\t in divorce.\t Although\t the\t overall\t rate\t of\t divorce\t has\t stopped\t climbing, the\trisk\tof\tdivorce\thas\tbeen\tshifting\tto\tnewlyweds. The\tshift\tgets\tclearer\tin\tcomparing\tdivorce\trates\tfor\tcouples\twed\tin a\t given\t year.\t For\t American\t marriages\t that\t began\t in\t 1890,\t about\t 10 percent\t ended\t in\t divorce.\t For\t those\t wed\t in\t 1920,\t the\t rate\t was\t about 18\t percent;\t for\t couples\t married\t in\t 1950,\t 30\t percent.\t Couples\t that were\t newly\t wed\t in\t 1970\t had\t a\t fifty-fifty\t chance\t of\t splitting\t up\t or staying\t together.\t And\t for\t married\t couples\t starting\t out\t in\t 1990,\t the likelihood\tthat\tthe\tmarriage\twould\tend\tin\tdivorce\twas\tprojected\tto\tbe close\t to\t a\t staggering\t 67\t percent!1\t If\t the\t estimate\t holds,\t just\t three\t in ten\t of\t recent\t newlyweds\t can\t count\t on\t staying\t married\t to\t their\t new partner. It\t can\t be\t argued\t that\t much\t of\t this\t rise\t is\t due\t not\t so\t much\t to\t a decline\t in\t emotional\t intelligence\t as\t to\t the\t steady\t erosion\t of\t social pressures\u2014the\t stigma\t surrounding\t divorce,\t or\t the\t economic dependence\t of\t wives\t on\t their\t husbands\u2014that\t used\t to\t keep\t couples together\tin\teven\tthe\tmost\tmiserable\tof\tmatches.\tBut\tif\tsocial\tpressures are\t no\t longer\t the\t glue\t that\t holds\t a\t marriage\t together,\t then\t the emotional\t forces\t between\t wife\t and\t husband\t are\t that\t much\t more crucial\tif\ttheir\tunion\tis\tto\tsurvive. These\tties\tbetween\thusband\tand\twife\u2014and\tthe\temotional\tfault\tlines that\t can\t break\t them\t apart\u2014have\t been\t assayed\t in\t recent\t years\t with\t a precision\t never\t seen\t before.\t Perhaps\t the\t biggest\t breakthrough\t in","understanding\t what\t holds\t a\t marriage\t together\t or\t tears\t it\t apart\t has come\tfrom\tthe\tuse\tof\tsophisticated\tphysiological\tmeasures\tthat\tallow the\t moment-to-moment\t tracking\t of\t the\t emotional\t nuances\t of\t a couple\u2019s\t encounter.\t Scientists\t are\t now\t able\t to\t detect\t a\t husband\u2019s otherwise\t invisible\t adrenaline\t surges\t and\t jumps\t in\t blood\t pressure, and\tto\tobserve\tfleeting\tbut\ttelling\tmicroemotions\tas\tthey\tflit\tacross\ta wife\u2019s\t face.\t These\t physiological\t measures\t reveal\t a\t hidden\t biological subtext\t to\t a\t couple\u2019s\t difficulties,\t a\t critical\t level\t of\t emotional\t reality that\t is\t typically\t imperceptible\t to\t or\t disregarded\t by\t the\t couple themselves.\tThese\tmeasures\tlay\tbare\tthe\temotional\tforces\tthat\thold\ta relationship\t together\t or\t destroy\t it.\t The\t fault\t lines\t have\t their\t earliest beginnings\t in\t the\t differences\t between\t the\t emotional\t worlds\t of\t girls and\tboys. HIS\tMARRIAGE\tAND\tHERS:\tCHILDHOOD\tROOTS As\t I\t was\t entering\t a\t restaurant\t on\t a\t recent\t evening,\t a\t young\t man stalked\t out\t the\t door,\t his\t face\t set\t in\t an\t expression\t both\t stony\t and sullen.\t Close\t on\t his\t heels\t a\t young\t woman\t came\t running,\t her\t fists desperately\t pummeling\t his\t back\t while\t she\t yelled,\t \u201cGoddamn\t you! Come\t back\t here\t and\t be\t nice\t to\t me!\u201d\t That\t poignant,\t impossibly\t self- contradictory\t plea\t aimed\t at\t a\t retreating\t back\t epitomizes\t the\t pattern most\t commonly\t seen\t in\t couples\t whose\t relationship\t is\t distressed:\t She seeks\tto\tengage,\the\twithdraws.\tMarital\ttherapists\thave\tlong\tnoted\tthat by\tthe\ttime\ta\tcouple\tfinds\ttheir\tway\tto\tthe\ttherapy\toffice\tthey\tare\tin this\t pattern\t of\t engage-withdraw,\t with\t his\t complaint\t about\t her \u201cunreasonable\u201d\t demands\t and\t outbursts,\t and\t her\t lamenting\t his indifference\tto\twhat\tshe\tis\tsaying. This\t marital\t endgame\t reflects\t the\t fact\t that\t there\t are,\t in\t effect,\t two emotional\t realities\t in\t a\t couple,\t his\t and\t hers.\t The\t roots\t of\t these emotional\tdifferences,\twhile\tthey\tmay\tbe\tpartly\tbiological,\talso\tcan\tbe traced\t back\t to\t childhood,\t and\t to\t the\t separate\t emotional\t worlds\t boys and\tgirls\tinhabit\twhile\tgrowing\tup.\tThere\tis\ta\tvast\tamount\tof\tresearch on\t these\t separate\t worlds,\t their\t barriers\t reinforced\t not\t just\t by\t the different\t games\t boys\t and\t girls\t prefer,\t but\t by\t young\t children\u2019s\t fear\t of being\t teased\t for\t having\t a\t \u201cgirlfriend\u201d\t or\t \u201cboyfriend.\u201d2\t One\t study\t of children\u2019s\t friendships\t found\t that\t three-year-olds\t say\t about\t half\t their friends\tare\tof\tthe\topposite\tsex;\tfor\tfive-year-olds\tit\u2019s\tabout\t20\tpercent, and\tby\tage\tseven\talmost\tno\tboys\tor\tgirls\tsay\tthey\thave\ta\tbest\tfriend\tof","the\t opposite\t sex.3\t These\t separate\t social\t universes\t intersect\t little\t until teenagers\tstart\tdating. Meanwhile,\t boys\t and\t girls\t are\t taught\t very\t different\t lessons\t about handling\t emotions.\t Parents,\t in\t general,\t discuss\t emotions\u2014with\t the exception\tof\tanger\u2014more\twith\ttheir\tdaughters\tthan\ttheir\tsons.4\tGirls are\texposed\tto\tmore\tinformation\tabout\temotions\tthan\tare\tboys:\twhen parents\tmake\tup\tstories\tto\ttell\ttheir\tpreschool\tchildren,\tthey\tuse\tmore emotion\twords\twhen\ttalking\tto\tdaughters\tthan\tto\tsons;\twhen\tmothers play\t with\t their\t infants,\t they\t display\t a\t wider\t range\t of\t emotions\t to daughters\t than\t to\t sons;\t when\t mothers\t talk\t to\t daughters\t about feelings,\t they\t discuss\t in\t more\t detail\t the\t emotional\t state\t itself\t than they\t do\t with\t their\t sons\u2014though\t with\t the\t sons\t they\t go\t into\t more detail\t about\t the\t causes\t and\t consequences\t of\t emotions\t like\t anger (probably\tas\ta\tcautionary\ttale). Leslie\tBrody\tand\tJudith\tHall,\twho\thave\tsummarized\tthe\tresearch\ton differences\t in\t emotions\t between\t the\t sexes,\t propose\t that\t because\t girls develop\t facility\t with\t language\t more\t quickly\t than\t do\t boys,\t this\t leads them\t to\t be\t more\t experienced\t at\t articulating\t their\t feelings\t and\t more skilled\t than\t boys\t at\t using\t words\t to\t explore\t and\t substitute\t for emotional\t reactions\t such\t as\t physical\t fights;\t in\t contrast,\t they\t note, \u201cboys,\t for\t whom\t the\t verbalization\t of\t affects\t is\t de-emphasized,\t may become\t largely\t unconscious\t of\t their\t emotional\t states,\t both\t in themselves\tand\tin\tothers.\u201d5 At\t age\t ten,\t roughly\t the\t same\t percent\t of\t girls\t as\t boys\t are\t overtly aggressive,\t given\t to\t open\t confrontation\t when\t angered.\t But\t by\t age thirteen,\ta\ttelling\tdifference\tbetween\tthe\tsexes\temerges:\tGirls\tbecome more\t adept\t than\t boys\t at\t artful\t aggressive\t tactics\t like\t ostracism, vicious\t gossip,\t and\t indirect\t vendettas.\t Boys,\t by\t and\t large,\t simply continue\tbeing\tconfrontational\twhen\tangered,\toblivious\tto\tthese\tmore covert\tstrategies.6\tThis\tis\tjust\tone\tof\tmany\tways\tthat\tboys\u2014and\tlater, men\u2014are\t less\t sophisticated\t than\t the\t opposite\t sex\t in\t the\t byways\t of emotional\tlife. When\tgirls\tplay\ttogether,\tthey\tdo\tso\tin\tsmall,\tintimate\tgroups,\twith an\t emphasis\t on\t minimizing\t hostility\t and\t maximizing\t cooperation, while\t boys\u2019\t games\t are\t in\t larger\t groups,\t with\t an\t emphasis\t on competition.\t One\t key\t difference\t can\t be\t seen\t in\t what\t happens\t when games\tboys\tor\tgirls\tare\tplaying\tget\tdisrupted\tby\tsomeone\tgetting\thurt. If\t a\t boy\t who\t has\t gotten\t hurt\t gets\t upset,\t he\t is\t expected\t to\t get\t out\t of the\t way\t and\t stop\t crying\t so\t the\t game\t can\t go\t on.\t If\t the\t same\t happens among\ta\tgroup\tof\tgirls\twho\tare\tplaying,\tthe\tgame\tstops\twhile\teveryone","gathers\taround\tto\thelp\tthe\tgirl\twho\tis\tcrying.\tThis\tdifference\tbetween boys\tand\tgirls\tat\tplay\tepitomizes\twhat\tHarvard\u2019s\tCarol\tGilligan\tpoints to\t as\t a\t key\t disparity\t between\t the\t sexes:\t boys\t take\t pride\t in\t a\t lone, tough-minded\tindependence\tand\tautonomy,\twhile\tgirls\tsee\tthemselves as\t part\t of\t a\t web\t of\t connectedness.\t Thus\t boys\t are\t threatened\t by anything\t that\t might\t challenge\t their\t independence,\t while\t girls\t are more\t threatened\t by\t a\t rupture\t in\t their\t relationships.\t And,\t as\t Deborah Tannen\t has\t pointed\t out\t in\t her\t book\t You\t Just\t Don\u2019t\t Understand,\t these differing\t perspectives\t mean\t that\t men\t and\t women\t want\t and\t expect very\t different\t things\t out\t of\t a\t conversation,\t with\t men\t content\t to\t talk about\t\u201cthings,\u201d\twhile\twomen\tseek\temotional\tconnection. In\t short,\t these\t contrasts\t in\t schooling\t in\t the\t emotions\t foster\t very different\tskills,\twith\tgirls\tbecoming\t\u201cadept\tat\treading\tboth\tverbal\tand nonverbal\t emotional\t signals,\t at\t expressing\t and\t communicating\t their feelings,\u201d\t and\t boys\t becoming\t adept\t at\t \u201cminimizing\t emotions\t having to\t do\t with\t vulnerability,\t guilt,\t fear\t and\t hurt\u201d.7\t Evidence\t for\t these different\tstances\tis\tvery\tstrong\tin\tthe\tscientific\tliterature.\tHundreds\tof studies\t have\t found,\t for\t example,\t that\t on\t average\t women\t are\t more empathic\t than\t men,\t at\t least\t as\t measured\t by\t the\t ability\t to\t read someone\telse\u2019s\tunstated\tfeelings\tfrom\tfacial\texpression,\ttone\tof\tvoice, and\t other\t nonverbal\t cues.\t Likewise,\t it\t is\t generally\t easier\t to\t read feelings\t from\t a\t woman\u2019s\t face\t than\t a\t man\u2019s;\t while\t there\t is\t no difference\t in\t facial\t expressiveness\t among\t very\t young\t boys\t and\t girls, as\t they\t go\t through\t the\t elementary-school\t grades\t boys\t become\t less expressive,\t girls\t more\t so.\t This\t may\t partly\t reflect\t another\t key difference:\t women,\t on\t average,\t experience\t the\t entire\t range\t of emotions\twith\tgreater\tintensity\tand\tmore\tvolatility\tthan\tmen\u2014in\tthis sense,\twomen\tare\tmore\t\u201cemotional\u201d\tthan\tmen.8 All\t of\t this\t means\t that,\t in\t general,\t women\t come\t into\t a\t marriage groomed\t for\t the\t role\t of\t emotional\t manager,\t while\t men\t arrive\t with much\t less\t appreciation\t of\t the\t importance\t of\t this\t task\t for\t helping\t a relationship\tsurvive.\tIndeed,\tthe\tmost\timportant\telement\tfor\twomen\u2014 but\t not\t for\t men\u2014in\t satisfaction\t with\t their\t relationship\t reported\t in\t a study\t of\t 264\t couples\t was\t the\t sense\t that\t the\t couple\t has\t \u201cgood communication.\u201d9\t Ted\t Huston,\t a\t psychologist\t at\t the\t University\t of Texas\t who\t has\t studied\t couples\t in\t depth,\t observes,\t \u201cFor\t the\t wives, intimacy\t means\t talking\t things\t over,\t especially\t talking\t about\t the relationship\t itself.\t The\t men,\t by\t and\t large,\t don\u2019t\t understand\t what\t the wives\twant\tfrom\tthem.\tThey\tsay,\t\u2018I\twant\tto\tdo\tthings\twith\ther,\tand\tall she\t wants\t to\t do\t is\t talk.\u2019\t \u201d\t During\t courtship,\t Huston\t found,\t men\t were","much\tmore\twilling\tto\tspend\ttime\ttalking\tin\tways\tthat\tsuited\tthe\twish for\t intimacy\t of\t their\t wives-to-be.\t But\t once\t married,\t as\t time\t went\t on the\t men\u2014especially\t in\t more\t traditional\t couples\u2014spent\t less\t and\t less time\ttalking\tin\tthis\tway\twith\ttheir\twives,\tfinding\ta\tsense\tof\tcloseness simply\t in\t doing\t things\t like\t gardening\t together\t rather\t than\t talking things\tover. This\t growing\t silence\t on\t the\t part\t of\t husbands\t may\t be\t partly\t due\t to the\tfact\tthat,\tif\tanything,\tmen\tare\ta\tbit\tPollyannaish\tabout\tthe\tstate\tof their\t marriage,\t while\t their\t wives\t are\t attuned\t to\t the\t trouble\t spots:\t in one\tstudy\tof\tmarriages,\tmen\thad\ta\trosier\tview\tthan\ttheir\twives\tof\tjust about\t everything\t in\t their\t relationship\u2014lovemaking,\t finances,\t ties with\t in-laws,\t how\t well\t they\t listened\t to\t each\t other,\t how\t much\t their flaws\t mattered.10\t Wives,\t in\t general,\t are\t more\t vocal\t about\t their complaints\t than\t are\t their\t husbands,\t particularly\t among\t unhappy couples.\t Combine\t men\u2019s\t rosy\t view\t of\t marriage\t with\t their\t aversion\t to emotional\tconfrontations,\tand\tit\tis\tclear\twhy\twives\tso\toften\tcomplain that\ttheir\thusbands\ttry\tto\twiggle\tout\tof\tdiscussing\tthe\ttroubling\tthings about\t their\t relationship.\t (Of\t course\t this\t gender\t difference\t is\t a generalization,\t and\t is\t not\t true\t in\t every\t case;\t a\t psychiatrist\t friend complained\t that\t in\t his\t marriage\t his\t wife\t is\t reluctant\t to\t discuss emotional\t matters\t between\t them,\t and\t he\t is\t the\t one\t who\t is\t left\t to bring\tthem\tup.) The\t slowness\t of\t men\t to\t bring\t up\t problems\t in\t a\t relationship\t is\t no doubt\t compounded\t by\t their\t relative\t lack\t of\t skill\t when\t it\t comes\t to reading\tfacial\texpressions\tof\temotions.\tWomen,\tfor\texample,\tare\tmore sensitive\tto\ta\tsad\texpression\ton\ta\tman\u2019s\tface\tthan\tare\tmen\tin\tdetecting sadness\tfrom\ta\twoman\u2019s\texpression.11\tThus\ta\twoman\thas\tto\tbe\tall\tthe sadder\tfor\ta\tman\tto\tnotice\ther\tfeelings\tin\tthe\tfirst\tplace,\tlet\talone\tfor him\tto\traise\tthe\tquestion\tof\twhat\tis\tmaking\ther\tso\tsad. Consider\t the\t implications\t of\t this\t emotional\t gender\t gap\t for\t how couples\t handle\t the\t grievances\t and\t disagreements\t that\t any\t intimate relationship\t inevitably\t spawns.\t In\t fact,\t specific\t issues\t such\t as\t how often\t a\t couple\t has\t sex,\t how\t to\t discipline\t the\t children,\t or\t how\t much debt\t and\t savings\t a\t couple\t feels\t comfortable\t with\t are\t not\t what\t make or\t break\t a\t marriage.\t Rather,\t it\t is\t how\t a\t couple\t discusses\t such\t sore points\tthat\tmatters\tmore\tfor\tthe\tfate\tof\ttheir\tmarriage.\tSimply\thaving reached\tan\tagreement\tabout\thow\tto\tdisagree\tis\tkey\tto\tmarital\tsurvival; men\t and\t women\t have\t to\t overcome\t the\t innate\t gender\t differences\t in approaching\t rocky\t emotions.\t Failing\t this,\t couples\t are\t vulnerable\t to emotional\trifts\tthat\teventually\tcan\ttear\ttheir\trelationship\tapart.\tAs\twe","shall\t see,\t these\t rifts\t are\t far\t more\t likely\t to\t develop\t if\t one\t or\t both partners\thave\tcertain\tdeficits\tin\temotional\tintelligence. MARITAL\tFAULT\tLINE Fred:\tDid\tyou\tpick\tup\tmy\tdry\tcleaning? Ingrid:\t(In\ta\tmocking\ttone)\t\u201cDid\tyou\tpick\tup\tmy\tdry\tcleaning.\u201d\tPick up\tyour\town\tdamn\tdry\tcleaning.\tWhat\tam\tI,\tyour\tmaid? Fred:\tHardly.\tIf\tyou\twere\ta\tmaid,\tat\tleast\tyou\u2019d\tknow\thow\tto\tclean. If\t this\t were\t dialogue\t from\t a\t sitcom,\t it\t might\t be\t amusing.\t But\t this painfully\tcaustic\tinterchange\twas\tbetween\ta\tcouple\twho\t(perhaps\tnot surprisingly)\t divorced\t within\t the\t next\t few\t years.12\t Their\t encounter took\t place\t in\t a\t laboratory\t run\t by\t John\t Gottman,\t a\t University\t of Washington\t psychologist\t who\t has\t done\t perhaps\t the\t most\t detailed analysis\t ever\t of\t the\t emotional\t glue\t that\t binds\t couples\t together\t and the\t corrosive\t feelings\t that\t can\t destroy\t marriages.13\t In\t his\t laboratory, couples\u2019\t conversations\t are\t videotaped\t and\t then\t subjected\t to\t hours\t of microanalysis\t designed\t to\t reveal\t the\t subterranean\t emotional\t currents at\t play.\t This\t mapping\t of\t the\t fault\t lines\t that\t may\t lead\t a\t couple\t to divorce\t makes\t a\t convincing\t case\t for\t the\t crucial\t role\t of\t emotional intelligence\tin\tthe\tsurvival\tof\ta\tmarriage. During\t the\t last\t two\t decades\t Gottman\t has\t tracked\t the\t ups\t and downs\t of\t more\t than\t two\t hundred\t couples,\t some\t just\t newlyweds, others\t married\t for\t decades.\t Gottman\t has\t charted\t the\t emotional ecology\t of\t marriage\t with\t such\t precision\t that,\t in\t one\t study,\t he\t was able\t to\t predict\t which\t couples\t seen\t in\t his\t lab\t (like\t Fred\t and\t Ingrid, whose\t discussion\t of\t getting\t the\t dry\t cleaning\t was\t so\t acrimonious) would\tdivorce\twithin\tthree\tyears\twith\t94\tpercent\taccuracy,\ta\tprecision unheard\tof\tin\tmarital\tstudies! The\t power\t of\t Gottman\u2019s\t analysis\t comes\t from\t his\t painstaking method\t and\t the\t thoroughness\t of\t his\t probes.\t While\t the\t couples\t talk, sensors\t record\t the\t slightest\t flux\t in\t their\t physiology;\t a\t second-by- second\t analysis\t of\t their\t facial\t expressions\t (using\t the\t system\t for reading\temotions\tdeveloped\tby\tPaul\tEkman)\tdetects\tthe\tmost\tfleeting and\t subtle\t nuance\t of\t feeling.\t After\t their\t session,\t each\t partner\t comes separately\tto\tthe\tlab\tand\twatches\ta\tvideotape\tof\tthe\tconversation,\tand narrates\t his\t or\t her\t secret\t thoughts\t during\t the\t heated\t moments\t of\t the exchange.\tThe\tresult\tis\takin\tto\tan\temotional\tX-ray\tof\tthe\tmarriage.","An\tearly\twarning\tsignal\tthat\ta\tmarriage\tis\tin\tdanger,\tGottman\tfinds, is\tharsh\tcriticism.\tIn\ta\thealthy\tmarriage\thusband\tand\twife\tfeel\tfree\tto voice\t a\t complaint.\t But\t too\t often\t in\t the\t heat\t of\t anger\t complaints\t are expressed\t in\t a\t destructive\t fashion,\t as\t an\t attack\t on\t the\t spouse\u2019s character.\tFor\texample,\tPamela\tand\ther\tdaughter\twent\tshoe\tshopping while\ther\thusband,\tTom,\twent\tto\ta\tbookstore.\tThey\tagreed\tto\tmeet\tin front\t of\t the\t post\t office\t in\t an\t hour,\t and\t then\t go\t to\t a\t matinee.\t Pamela was\tprompt,\tbut\tthere\twas\tno\tsign\tof\tTom.\t\u201cWhere\tis\the?\tThe\tmovie starts\tin\tten\tminutes,\u201d\tPamela\tcomplained\tto\ther\tdaughter.\t\u201cIf\tthere\u2019s a\tway\tfor\tyour\tfather\tto\tscrew\tsomething\tup,\the\twill.\u201d When\t Tom\t showed\t up\t ten\t minutes\t later,\t happy\t about\t having\t run into\t a\t friend\t and\t apologizing\t for\t being\t late,\t Pamela\t lashed\t out\t with sarcasm:\t\u201cThat\u2019s\t okay\u2014it\t gave\t us\t a\t chance\t to\t discuss\t your\t amazing ability\t to\t screw\t up\t every\t single\t plan\t we\t make.\t You\u2019re\t so\t thoughtless and\tself-centered!\u201d Pamela\u2019s\tcomplaint\tis\tmore\tthan\tthat:\tit\tis\ta\tcharacter\tassassination, a\t critique\t of\t the\t person,\t not\t the\t deed.\t In\t fact,\t Tom\t had\t apologized. But\t for\t this\t lapse\t Pamela\t brands\t him\t as\t \u201cthoughtless\t and\t self- centered.\u201d\t Most\t couples\t have\t moments\t like\t this\t from\t time\t to\t time, where\ta\tcomplaint\tabout\tsomething\ta\tpartner\thas\tdone\tis\tvoiced\tas\tan attack\t against\t the\t person\t rather\t than\t the\t deed.\t But\t these\t harsh personal\t criticisms\t have\t a\t far\t more\t corrosive\t emotional\t impact\t than do\t more\t reasoned\t complaints.\t And\t such\t attacks,\t perhaps understandably,\tbecome\tmore\tlikely\tthe\tmore\ta\thusband\tor\twife\tfeels their\tcomplaints\tgo\tunheard\tor\tignored. The\t differences\t between\t complaints\t and\t personal\t criticisms\t are simple.\tIn\ta\tcomplaint,\ta\twife\tstates\tspecifically\twhat\tis\tupsetting\ther, and\t criticizes\t her\t husband\u2019s\t action,\t not\t her\t husband,\t saying\t how\t it made\ther\tfeel:\t\u201cWhen\tyou\tforgot\tto\tpick\tup\tmy\tclothes\tat\tthe\tcleaner\u2019s it\t made\t me\t feel\t like\t you\t don\u2019t\t care\t about\t me.\u201d\t It\t is\t an\t expression\t of basic\t emotional\t intelligence:\t assertive,\t not\t belligerent\t or\t passive.\t But in\t a\t personal\t criticism\t she\t uses\t the\t specific\t grievance\t to\t launch\t a global\tattack\ton\ther\thusband:\t\u201cYou\u2019re\talways\tso\tselfish\tand\tuncaring. It\t just\t proves\t I\t can\u2019t\t trust\t you\t to\t do\t anything\t right.\u201d\t This\t kind\t of criticism\t leaves\t the\t person\t on\t the\t receiving\t end\t feeling\t ashamed, disliked,\t blamed,\t and\t defective\u2014all\t of\t which\t are\t more\t likely\t to\t lead to\ta\tdefensive\tresponse\tthan\tto\tsteps\tto\timprove\tthings. All\t the\t more\t so\t when\t the\t criticism\t comes\t laden\t with\t contempt,\t a particularly\tdestructive\temotion.\tContempt\tcomes\teasily\twith\tanger;\tit is\t usually\t expressed\t not\t just\t in\t the\t words\t used,\t but\t also\t in\t a\t tone\t of","voice\t and\t an\t angry\t expression.\t Its\t most\t obvious\t form,\t of\t course,\t is mockery\t or\t insult\u2014\u201cjerk,\u201d\t \u201cbitch,\u201d\t \u201cwimp.\u201d\t But\t just\t as\t hurtful\t is\t the body\tlanguage\tthat\tconveys\tcontempt,\tparticularly\tthe\tsneer\tor\tcurled lip\t that\t are\t the\t universal\t facial\t signals\t for\t disgust,\t or\t a\t rolling\t of\t the eyes,\tas\tif\tto\tsay,\t\u201cOh,\tbrother!\u201d Contempt\u2019s\t facial\t signature\t is\t a\t contraction\t of\t the\t \u201cdimpler,\u201d\t the muscle\t that\t pulls\t the\t corners\t of\t the\t mouth\t to\t the\t side\t (usually\t the left)\t while\t the\t eyes\t roll\t upward.\t When\t one\t spouse\t flashes\t this expression,\t the\t other,\t in\t a\t tacit\t emotional\t exchange,\t registers\t a\t jump in\t heart\t rate\t of\t two\t or\t three\t beats\t per\t minute.\t This\t hidden conversation\t takes\t its\t toll;\t if\t a\t husband\t shows\t contempt\t regularly, Gottman\t found,\t his\t wife\t will\t be\t more\t prone\t to\t a\t range\t of\t health problems,\t from\t frequent\t colds\t and\t flus\t to\t bladder\t and\t yeast infections,\t as\t well\t as\t gastrointestinal\t symptoms.\t And\t when\t a\t wife\u2019s face\t shows\t disgust,\t a\t near\t cousin\t of\t contempt,\t four\t or\t more\t times within\ta\tfifteen-minute\tconversation,\tit\tis\ta\tsilent\tsign\tthat\tthe\tcouple is\tlikely\tto\tseparate\twithin\tfour\tyears. Of\tcourse,\tan\toccasional\tshow\tof\tcontempt\tor\tdisgust\twill\tnot\tundo a\t marriage.\t Rather,\t such\t emotional\t volleys\t are\t akin\t to\t smoking\t and high\t cholesterol\t as\t risk\t factors\t for\t heart\t disease\u2014the\t more\t intense and\tprolonged,\tthe\tgreater\tthe\tdanger.\tOn\tthe\troad\tto\tdivorce,\tone\tof these\t factors\t predicts\t the\t next,\t in\t an\t escalating\t scale\t of\t misery. Habitual\t criticism\t and\t contempt\t or\t disgust\t are\t danger\t signs\t because they\t indicate\t that\t a\t husband\t or\t wife\t has\t made\t a\t silent\t judgment\t for the\tworse\tabout\ttheir\tpartner.\tIn\this\tor\ther\tthoughts,\tthe\tspouse\tis\tthe subject\tof\tconstant\tcondemnation.\tSuch\tnegative\tand\thostile\tthinking leads\t naturally\t to\t attacks\t that\t make\t the\t partner\t on\t the\t receiving\t end defensive\u2014or\tready\tto\tcounterattack\tin\treturn. The\t two\t arms\t of\t the\t fight-or-flight\t response\t each\t represent\t ways\t a spouse\t can\t respond\t to\t an\t attack.\t The\t most\t obvious\t is\t to\t fight\t back, lashing\t out\t in\t anger.\t That\t route\t typically\t ends\t in\t a\t fruitless\t shouting match.\t But\t the\t alternative\t response,\t fleeing,\t can\t be\t more\t pernicious, particularly\twhen\tthe\t\u201cflight\u201d\tis\ta\tretreat\tinto\tstony\tsilence. Stonewalling\t is\t the\t ultimate\t defense.\t The\t stonewaller\t just\t goes blank,\t in\t effect\t withdrawing\t from\t the\t conversation\t by\t responding with\t a\t stony\t expression\t and\t silence.\t Stonewalling\t sends\t a\t powerful, unnerving\t message,\t something\t like\t a\t combination\t of\t icy\t distance, superiority,\tand\tdistaste.\tStonewalling\tshowed\tup\tmainly\tin\tmarriages that\twere\theading\tfor\ttrouble;\tin\t85\tpercent\tof\tthese\tcases\tit\twas\tthe husband\t who\t stonewalled\t in\t response\t to\t a\t wife\t who\t attacked\t with","criticism\t and\t contempt.14\t As\t a\t habitual\t response\t stonewalling\t is devastating\tto\tthe\thealth\tof\ta\trelationship:\tit\tcuts\toff\tall\tpossibility\tof working\tout\tdisagreements. TOXIC\tTHOUGHTS The\t children\t are\t being\t rambunctious,\t and\t Martin,\t their\t father,\t is getting\t annoyed.\t He\t turns\t to\t his\t wife,\t Melanie,\t and\t says\t in\t a\t sharp tone,\t\u201cDear,\tdon\u2019t\tyou\tthink\tthe\tkids\tcould\tquiet\tdown?\u201d His\tactual\tthought:\t\u201cShe\u2019s\ttoo\teasy\ton\tthe\tkids.\u201d Melanie,\t responding\t to\t his\t ire,\t feels\t a\t surge\t of\t anger.\t Her\t face grows\t taut,\t her\t brows\t knit\t in\t a\t frown,\t and\t she\t replies,\t \u201cThe\t kids\t are having\ta\tgood\ttime.\tAnyhow,\tthey\u2019ll\tbe\tgoing\tup\tto\tbed\tsoon.\u201d Her\tthought:\t\u201cThere\the\tgoes\tagain,\tcomplaining\tall\tthe\ttime.\u201d Martin\t now\t is\t visibly\t enraged.\t He\t leans\t forward\t menacingly,\t his fists\t clenched,\t as\t he\t says\t in\t an\t annoyed\t tone,\t \u201cShould\t I\t put\t them\t to bed\tnow?\u201d His\tthought:\t\u201cShe\topposes\tme\tin\teverything.\tI\u2019d\tbetter\ttake\tover.\u201d Melanie,\t suddenly\t frightened\t by\t Martin\u2019s\t wrath,\t says\t meekly,\t \u201cNo, I\u2019ll\tput\tthem\tto\tbed\tright\taway.\u201d Her\t thought:\t \u201cHe\u2019s\t getting\t out\t of\t control\u2014he\t could\t hurt\t the\t kids. I\u2019d\tbetter\tgive\tin.\u201d These\t parallel\t conversations\u2014the\t spoken\t and\t the\t silent\u2014are reported\t by\t Aaron\t Beck,\t the\t founder\t of\t cognitive\t therapy,\t as\t an example\t of\t the\t kinds\t of\t thinking\t that\t can\t poison\t a\t marriage.15\t The real\t emotional\t exchange\t between\t Melanie\t and\t Martin\t is\t shaped\t by their\t thoughts,\t and\t those\t thoughts,\t in\t turn,\t are\t determined\t by another,\t deeper\t layer,\t which\t Beck\t calls\t \u201cautomatic\t thoughts\u201d\u2014 fleeting,\t background\t assumptions\t about\t oneself\t and\t the\t people\t in one\u2019s\tlife\tthat\treflect\tour\tdeepest\temotional\tattitudes.\tFor\tMelanie\tthe background\tthought\tis\tsomething\tlike,\t\u201cHe\u2019s\talways\tbullying\tme\twith his\t anger.\u201d\t For\t Martin,\t the\t key\t thought\t is,\t \u201cShe\t has\t no\t right\t to\t treat me\tlike\tthis.\u201d\tMelanie\tfeels\tlike\tan\tinnocent\tvictim\tin\ttheir\tmarriage, and\t Martin\t feels\t righteous\t indignation\t at\t what\t he\t feels\t is\t unjust treatment. Thoughts\t of\t being\t an\t innocent\t victim\t or\t of\t righteous\t indignation are\ttypical\tof\tpartners\tin\ttroubled\tmarriages,\tcontinually\tfueling\tanger and\t hurt.16\t Once\t distressing\t thoughts\t such\t as\t righteous\t indignation become\t automatic,\t they\t are\t self-confirming:\t the\t partner\t who\t feels","victimized\t is\t constantly\t scanning\t everything\t his\t partner\t does\t that might\t confirm\t the\t view\t that\t she\t is\t victimizing\t him,\t ignoring\t or discounting\t any\t acts\t of\t kindness\t on\t her\t part\t that\t would\t question\t or disconfirm\tthat\tview. These\t thoughts\t are\t powerful;\t they\t trip\t the\t neural\t alarm\t system. Once\tthe\thusband\u2019s\tthought\tof\tbeing\tvictimized\ttriggers\tan\temotional hijacking,\the\twill\tfor\tthe\ttime\tbeing\teasily\tcall\tto\tmind\tand\truminate on\t a\t list\t of\t grievances\t that\t remind\t him\t of\t the\t ways\t she\t victimizes him,\t while\t not\t recalling\t anything\t she\t may\t have\t done\t in\t their\t entire relationship\t that\t would\t disconfirm\t the\t view\t that\t he\t is\t an\t innocent victim.\t It\t puts\t his\t spouse\t in\t a\t no-win\t situation:\t even\t things\t she\t does that\tare\tintentionally\tkind\tcan\tbe\treinterpreted\twhen\tviewed\tthrough such\ta\tnegative\tlens\tand\tdismissed\tas\tfeeble\tattempts\tto\tdeny\tshe\tis\ta victimizer. Partners\twho\tare\tfree\tof\tsuch\tdistress-triggering\tviews\tcan\tentertain a\t more\t benign\t interpretation\t of\t what\t is\t going\t on\t in\t the\t same situations,\t and\t so\t are\t less\t likely\t to\t have\t such\t a\t hijacking,\t or\t if\t they do,\t tend\t to\t recover\t from\t it\t more\t readily.\t The\t general\t template\t for thoughts\t that\t maintain\t or\t alleviate\t distress\t follows\t the\t pattern outlined\tin\tChapter\t6\tby\tpsychologist\tMartin\tSeligman\tfor\tpessimistic and\t optimistic\t outlooks.\t The\t pessimistic\t view\t is\t that\t the\t partner\t is inherently\t flawed\t in\t a\t way\t that\t cannot\t change\t and\t that\t guarantees misery:\t\u201cHe\u2019s\tselfish\tand\tself-absorbed;\tthat\u2019s\tthe\tway\the\twas\tbrought up\tand\tthat\u2019s\tthe\tway\the\twill\talways\tbe;\the\texpects\tme\tto\twait\ton\thim hand\t and\t foot\t and\t he\t couldn\u2019t\t care\t less\t about\t how\t I\t feel.\u201d\t The contrasting\t optimistic\t view\t would\t be\t something\t like:\t \u201cHe\u2019s\t being demanding\tnow,\tbut\the\u2019s\tbeen\tthoughtful\tin\tthe\tpast;\tmaybe\the\u2019s\tin\ta bad\t mood\u2014I\t wonder\t if\t something\u2019s\t bothering\t him\t about\t his\t work.\u201d This\tis\ta\tview\tthat\tdoes\tnot\twrite\toff\tthe\thusband\t(or\tthe\tmarriage)\tas irredeemably\tdamaged\tand\thopeless.\tInstead\tit\tsees\ta\tbad\tmoment\tas due\t to\t circumstances\t that\t can\t change.\t The\t first\t attitude\t brings continual\tdistress;\tthe\tsecond\tsoothes. Partners\t who\t take\t the\t pessimistic\t stance\t are\t extremely\t prone\t to emotional\thijackings;\tthey\tget\tangry,\thurt,\tor\totherwise\tdistressed\tby things\t their\t spouses\t do,\t and\t they\t stay\t disturbed\t once\t the\t episode begins.\t Their\t internal\t distress\t and\t pessimistic\t attitude,\t of\t course, makes\t it\t far\t more\t likely\t they\t will\t resort\t to\t criticism\t and\t contempt\t in confronting\t the\t partner,\t which\t in\t turn\t heightens\t the\t likelihood\t of defensiveness\tand\tstonewalling. Perhaps\t the\t most\t virulent\t of\t such\t toxic\t thoughts\t are\t found\t in","husbands\twho\tare\tphysically\tviolent\tto\ttheir\twives.\tA\tstudy\tof\tviolent husbands\tby\tpsychologists\tat\tIndiana\tUniversity\tfound\tthat\tthese\tmen think\tlike\tschoolyard\tbullies:\tthey\tread\thostile\tintent\tinto\teven\tneutral actions\tby\ttheir\twives,\tand\tuse\tthis\tmisreading\tto\tjustify\tto\tthemselves their\t own\t violence\t (men\t who\t are\t sexually\t aggressive\t with\t dates\t do something\t similar,\t viewing\t the\t women\t with\t suspicion\t and\t so disregarding\t their\t objections).17\t As\t we\t saw\t in\t Chapter\t 7,\t such\t men are\t particularly\t threatened\t by\t perceived\t slights,\t rejection,\t or\t public embarrassment\t by\t their\t wives.\t A\t typical\t scenario\t that\t triggers thoughts\t \u201cjustifying\u201d\t violence\t in\t wife-batterers:\t \u201cYou\t are\t at\t a\t social gathering\t and\t you\t notice\t that\t for\t the\t past\t half\t hour\t your\t wife\t has been\ttalking\tand\tlaughing\twith\tthe\tsame\tattractive\tman.\tHe\tseems\tto be\t flirting\t with\t her.\u201d\t When\t these\t men\t perceive\t their\t wives\t as\t doing something\tsuggesting\trejection\tor\tabandonment,\ttheir\treactions\trun\tto indignation\t and\t outrage.\t Presumably,\t automatic\t thoughts\t like\t \u201cShe\u2019s going\t to\t leave\t me\u201d\t are\t triggers\t for\t an\t emotional\t hijacking\t in\t which battering\t husbands\t respond\t impulsively,\t as\t the\t researchers\t put\t it, with\t\u201cincompetent\tbehavioral\tresponses\u201d\u2014they\tbecome\tviolent.18 FLOODING\tTHE\tSWAMPING\tOF\tA\tMARRIAGE The\tnet\teffect\tof\tthese\tdistressing\tattitudes\tis\tto\tcreate\tincessant\tcrisis, since\tthey\ttrigger\temotional\thijackings\tmore\toften\tand\tmake\tit\tharder to\t recover\t from\t the\t resulting\t hurt\t and\t rage.\t Gottman\t uses\t the\t apt term\t flooding\t for\t this\t susceptibility\t to\t frequent\t emotional\t distress; flooded\t husbands\t or\t wives\t are\t so\t overwhelmed\t by\t their\t partner\u2019s negativity\t and\t their\t own\t reaction\t to\t it\t that\t they\t are\t swamped\t by dreadful,\t out-of-control\t feelings.\t People\t who\t are\t flooded\t cannot\t hear without\tdistortion\tor\trespond\twith\tclear-headedness;\tthey\tfind\tit\thard to\t organize\t their\t thinking,\t and\t they\t fall\t back\t on\t primitive\t reactions. They\tjust\twant\tthings\tto\tstop,\tor\twant\tto\trun\tor,\tsometimes,\tto\tstrike back.\tFlooding\tis\ta\tself-perpetuating\temotional\thijacking. Some\t people\t have\t high\t thresholds\t for\t flooding,\t easily\t enduring anger\tand\tcontempt,\twhile\tothers\tmay\tbe\ttriggered\tthe\tmoment\ttheir spouse\tmakes\ta\tmild\tcriticism.\tThe\ttechnical\tdescription\tof\tflooding\tis in\t terms\t of\t heart\t rate\t rise\t from\t calm\t levels.19\t At\t rest,\t women\u2019s\t heart rates\t are\t about\t 82\t beats\t per\t minute,\t men\u2019s\t about\t 72\t (the\t specific heart\t rate\t varies\t mainly\t according\t to\t a\t person\u2019s\t body\t size).\t Flooding begins\t at\t about\t 10\t beats\t per\t minute\t above\t a\t person\u2019s\t resting\t rate;\t if","the\theart\trate\treaches\t100\tbeats\tper\tminute\t(as\tit\teasily\tcan\tdo\tduring moments\t of\t rage\t or\t tears),\t then\t the\t body\t is\t pumping\t adrenaline\t and other\t hormones\t that\t keep\t the\t distress\t high\t for\t some\t time.\t The moment\tof\temotional\thijacking\tis\tapparent\tfrom\tthe\theart\trate:\tit\tcan jump\t10,\t20,\tor\teven\tas\tmany\tas\t30\tbeats\tper\tminute\twithin\tthe\tspace of\t a\t single\t heartbeat.\t Muscles\t tense;\t it\t can\t seem\t hard\t to\t breathe. There\t is\t a\t swamp\t of\t toxic\t feelings,\t an\t unpleasant\t wash\t of\t fear\t and anger\t that\t seems\t inescapable\t and,\t subjectively,\t takes\t \u201cforever\u201d\t to\t get over.\tAt\tthis\tpoint\u2014full\thijacking\u2014a\tperson\u2019s\temotions\tare\tso\tintense, their\tperspective\tso\tnarrow,\tand\ttheir\tthinking\tso\tconfused\tthat\tthere is\t no\t hope\t of\t taking\t the\t other\u2019s\t viewpoint\t or\t settling\t things\t in\t a reasonable\tway. Of\t course,\t most\t husbands\t and\t wives\t have\t such\t intense\t moments from\ttime\tto\ttime\twhen\tthey\tfight\u2014it\u2019s\tonly\tnatural.\tThe\tproblem\tfor a\t marriage\t begins\t when\t one\t or\t another\t spouse\t feels\t flooded\t almost continually.\tThen\tthe\tpartner\tfeels\toverwhelmed\tby\tthe\tother\tpartner, is\t always\t on\t guard\t for\t an\t emotional\t assault\t or\t injustice,\t becomes hypervigilant\tfor\tany\tsign\tof\tattack,\tinsult,\tor\tgrievance,\tand\tis\tsure\tto overreact\t to\t even\t the\t least\t sign.\t If\t a\t husband\t is\t in\t such\t a\t state,\t his wife\t saying,\t \u201cHoney,\t we\u2019ve\t got\t to\t talk,\u201d\t can\t elicit\t the\t reactive thought,\t \u201cShe\u2019s\t picking\t a\t fight\t again,\u201d\t and\t so\t trigger\t flooding.\t It becomes\tharder\tand\tharder\tto\trecover\tfrom\tthe\tphysiological\tarousal, which\tin\tturn\tmakes\tit\teasier\tfor\tinnocuous\texchanges\tto\tbe\tseen\tin\ta sinister\tlight,\ttriggering\tflooding\tall\tover\tagain. This\t is\t perhaps\t the\t most\t dangerous\t turning\t point\t for\t marriage,\t a catastrophic\tshift\tin\tthe\trelationship.\tThe\tflooded\tpartner\thas\tcome\tto think\tthe\tworst\tof\tthe\tspouse\tvirtually\tall\tthe\ttime,\treading\teverything she\t does\t in\t a\t negative\t light.\t Small\t issues\t become\t major\t battles; feelings\t are\t hurt\t continually.\t With\t time,\t the\t partner\t who\t is\t being flooded\t starts\t to\t see\t any\t and\t all\t problems\t in\t the\t marriage\t as\t severe and\t impossible\t to\t fix,\t since\t the\t flooding\t itself\t sabotages\t any\t attempt to\twork\tthings\tout.\tAs\tthis\tcontinues\tit\tbegins\tto\tseem\tuseless\tto\ttalk things\t over,\t and\t the\t partners\t try\t to\t soothe\t their\t troubled\t feelings\t on their\t own.\t They\t start\t leading\t parallel\t lives,\t essentially\t living\t in isolation\tfrom\teach\tother,\tand\tfeel\talone\twithin\tthe\tmarriage.\tAll\ttoo often,\tGottman\tfinds,\tthe\tnext\tstep\tis\tdivorce. In\tthis\ttrajectory\ttoward\tdivorce\tthe\ttragic\tconsequences\tof\tdeficits in\temotional\tcompetences\tare\tself-evident.\tAs\ta\tcouple\tgets\tcaught\tin the\t reverberating\t cycle\t of\t criticism\t and\t contempt,\t defensiveness\t and stonewalling,\t distressing\t thoughts\t and\t emotional\t flooding,\t the\t cycle","itself\t reflects\t a\t disintegration\t of\t emotional\t self-awareness\t and\t self- control,\tof\tempathy\tand\tthe\tabilities\tto\tsoothe\teach\tother\tand\toneself. MEN:\tTHE\tVULNERABLE\tSEX Back\t to\t gender\t differences\t in\t emotional\t life,\t which\t prove\t to\t be\t a hidden\t spur\t to\t marital\t meltdowns.\t Consider\t this\t finding:\t Even\t after thirty-five\t or\t more\t years\t of\t marriage,\t there\t is\t a\t basic\t distinction between\t husbands\t and\t wives\t in\t how\t they\t regard\t emotional encounters.\t Women,\t on\t average,\t do\t not\t mind\t plunging\t into\t the unpleasantness\tof\ta\tmarital\tsquabble\tnearly\tso\tmuch\tas\tdo\tthe\tmen\tin their\tlives.\tThat\tconclusion,\treached\tin\ta\tstudy\tby\tRobert\tLevenson\tat the\t University\t of\t California\t at\t Berkeley,\t is\t based\t on\t the\t testimony\t of 151\t couples,\t all\t in\t long-lasting\t marriages.\t Levenson\t found\t that husbands\t uniformly\t found\t it\t unpleasant,\t even\t aversive,\t to\t become upset\tduring\ta\tmarital\tdisagreement,\twhile\ttheir\twives\tdid\tnot\tmind\tit much.20 Husbands\t are\t prone\t to\t flooding\t at\t a\t lower\t intensity\t of\t negativity than\t are\t their\t wives;\t more\t men\t than\t women\t react\t to\t their\t spouse\u2019s criticism\t with\t flooding.\t Once\t flooded,\t husbands\t secrete\t more adrenaline\tinto\ttheir\tbloodstream,\tand\tthe\tadrenaline\tflow\tis\ttriggered by\t lower\t levels\t of\t negativity\t on\t their\t wife\u2019s\t part;\t it\t takes\t husbands longer\t to\t recover\t physiologically\t from\t flooding.21\t This\t suggests\t the possibility\tthat\tthe\tstoic,\tClint\tEastwood\ttype\tof\tmale\timperturbability may\trepresent\ta\tdefense\tagainst\tfeeling\temotionally\toverwhelmed. The\t reason\t men\t are\t so\t likely\t to\t stonewall,\t Gottman\t proposes,\t is\t to protect\tthemselves\tfrom\tflooding;\this\tresearch\tshowed\tthat\tonce\tthey began\t stonewalling,\t their\t heart\t rates\t dropped\t by\t about\t ten\t beats\t per minute,\t bringing\t a\t subjective\t sense\t of\t relief.\t But\u2014and\t here\u2019s\t a paradox\u2014once\t the\t men\t started\t stonewalling,\t it\t was\t the\t wives\t whose heart\trate\tshot\tup\tto\tlevels\tsignaling\thigh\tdistress.\tThis\tlimbic\ttango, with\t each\t sex\t seeking\t comfort\t in\t opposing\t gambits,\t leads\t to\t a\t very different\t stance\t toward\t emotional\t confrontations:\t men\t want\t to\t avoid them\tas\tfervently\tas\ttheir\twives\tfeel\tcompelled\tto\tseek\tthem. Just\t as\t men\t are\t far\t more\t likely\t to\t be\t stonewallers,\t so\t the\t women are\tmore\tlikely\tto\tcriticize\ttheir\thusbands.22\tThis\tasymmetry\tarises\tas a\t result\t of\t wives\t pursuing\t their\t role\t as\t emotional\t managers.\t As\t they try\t to\t bring\t up\t and\t resolve\t disagreements\t and\t grievances,\t their husbands\t are\t more\t reluctant\t to\t engage\t in\t what\t are\t bound\t to\t be","heated\t discussions.\t As\t the\t wife\t sees\t her\t husband\t withdraw\t from engagement,\t she\t ups\t the\t volume\t and\t intensity\t of\t her\t complaint, starting\t to\t criticize\t him.\t As\t he\t becomes\t defensive\t or\t stonewalls\t in return,\t she\t feels\t frustrated\t and\t angry,\t and\t so\t adds\t contempt\t to underscore\t the\t strength\t of\t her\t frustration.\t As\t her\t husband\t finds himself\t the\t object\t of\t his\t wife\u2019s\t criticism\t and\t contempt,\t he\t begins\t to fall\t into\t the\t innocent-victim\t or\t righteous-indignation\t thoughts\t that more\t and\t more\t easily\t trigger\t flooding.\t To\t protect\t himself\t from flooding,\t he\t becomes\t more\t and\t more\t defensive\t or\t simply\t stonewalls altogether.\t But\t when\t husbands\t stonewall,\t remember,\t it\t triggers flooding\tin\ttheir\twives,\twho\tfeel\tcompletely\tstymied.\tAnd\tas\tthe\tcycle of\tmarital\tfights\tescalates\tit\tall\ttoo\teasily\tcan\tspin\tout\tof\tcontrol. HIS\tAND\tHERS:\tMARITAL\tADVICE Given\t the\t grim\t potential\t outcome\t of\t the\t differences\t in\t how\t men\t and women\t deal\t with\t distressing\t feelings\t in\t their\t relationship,\t what\t can couples\tdo\tto\tprotect\tthe\tlove\tand\taffection\tthey\tfeel\tfor\teach\tother\u2014 in\t short,\t what\t protects\t a\t marriage?\t On\t the\t basis\t of\t watching interaction\t in\t the\t couples\t whose\t marriages\t have\t continued\t to\t thrive over\t the\t years,\t marital\t researchers\t offer\t specific\t advice\t for\t men\t and for\twomen,\tand\tsome\tgeneral\twords\tfor\tboth. Men\t and\t women,\t in\t general,\t need\t different\t emotional\t fine-tuning. For\t men,\t the\t advice\t is\t not\t to\t sidestep\t conflict,\t but\t to\t realize\t that when\t their\t wife\t brings\t up\t some\t grievance\t or\t disagreement,\t she\t may be\t doing\t it\t as\t an\t act\t of\t love,\t trying\t to\t keep\t the\t relationship\t healthy and\ton\tcourse\t(although\tthere\tmay\twell\tbe\tother\tmotives\tfor\ta\twife\u2019s hostility).\t When\t grievances\t simmer,\t they\t build\t and\t build\t in\t intensity until\t there\u2019s\t an\t explosion;\t when\t they\t are\t aired\t and\t worked\t out,\t it takes\t the\t pressure\t off.\t But\t husbands\t need\t to\t realize\t that\t anger\t or discontent\t is\t not\t synonymous\t with\t personal\t attack\u2014their\t wives\u2019 emotions\t are\t often\t simply\t underliners,\t emphasizing\t the\t strength\t of her\tfeelings\tabout\tthe\tmatter. Men\talso\tneed\tto\tbe\ton\tguard\tagainst\tshort-circuiting\tthe\tdiscussion by\t offering\t a\t practical\t solution\t too\t early\t on\u2014it\u2019s\t typically\t more important\tto\ta\twife\tthat\tshe\tfeel\ther\thusband\thears\ther\tcomplaint\tand empathizes\t with\t her\t feelings\t about\t the\t matter\t (though\t he\t need\t not agree\t with\t her).\t She\t may\t hear\t his\t offering\t advice\t as\t a\t way\t of dismissing\t her\t feelings\t as\t inconsequential.\t Husbands\t who\t are\t able\t to","stay\twith\ttheir\twives\tthrough\tthe\theat\tof\tanger,\trather\tthan\tdismissing their\t complaints\t as\t petty,\t help\t their\t wives\t feel\t heard\t and\t respected. Most\t especially,\t wives\t want\t to\t have\t their\t feelings\t acknowledged\t and respected\t as\t valid,\t even\t if\t their\t husbands\t disagree.\t More\t often\t than not,\t when\t a\t wife\t feels\t her\t view\t is\t heard\t and\t her\t feelings\t registered, she\tcalms\tdown. As\t for\t women,\t the\t advice\t is\t quite\t parallel.\t Since\t a\t major\t problem for\t men\t is\t that\t their\t wives\t are\t too\t intense\t in\t voicing\t complaints, wives\t need\t to\t make\t a\t purposeful\t effort\t to\t be\t careful\t not\t to\t attack their\t husbands\u2014to\t complain\t about\t what\t they\t did,\t but\t not\t criticize them\t as\t a\t person\t or\t express\t contempt.\t Complaints\t are\t not\t attacks\t on character,\t but\t rather\t a\t clear\t statement\t that\t a\t particular\t action\t is distressing.\t An\t angry\t personal\t attack\t will\t almost\t certainly\t lead\t to\t a husband\u2019s\t getting\t defensive\t or\t stonewalling,\t which\t will\t be\t all\t the more\t frustrating,\t and\t only\t escalate\t the\t fight.\t It\t helps,\t too,\t if\t a\t wife\u2019s complaints\t are\t put\t in\t the\t larger\t context\t of\t reassuring\t her\t husband\t of her\tlove\tfor\thim. THE\tGOOD\tFIGHT The\t morning\t paper\t offers\t an\t object\t lesson\t in\t how\t not\t to\t resolve differences\t in\t a\t marriage.\t Marlene\t Lenick\t had\t a\t dispute\t with\t her husband,\t Michael:\t he\t wanted\t to\t watch\t the\t Dallas\t Cowboys- Philadelphia\t Eagles\t game,\t she\t wanted\t to\t watch\t the\t news.\t As\t he settled\t down\t to\t watch\t the\t game,\t Mrs.\t Lenick\t told\t him\t that\t she\t had \u201chad\t enough\t of\t that\t football,\u201d\t went\t into\t the\t bedroom\t to\t fetch\t a\t .38 caliber\t handgun,\t and\t shot\t him\t twice\t as\t he\t sat\t watching\t the\t game\t in the\t den.\t Mrs.\t Lenick\t was\t charged\t with\t aggravated\t assault\t and\t freed on\t a\t $50,000\t bond;\t Mr.\t Lenick\t was\t listed\t in\t good\t condition, recovering\t from\t the\t bullets\t that\t grazed\t his\t abdomen\t and\t tunneled through\this\tleft\tshoulder\tblade\tand\tneck.23 While\tfew\tmarital\tfights\tare\tthat\tviolent\u2014or\tthat\tcostly\u2014they\toffer a\t prime\t chance\t to\t bring\t emotional\t intelligence\t to\t marriage.\t For example,\tcouples\tin\tmarriages\tthat\tlast\ttend\tto\tstick\tto\tone\ttopic,\tand to\t give\t each\t partner\t the\t chance\t to\t state\t their\t point\t of\t view\t at\t the outset.24\t But\t these\t couples\t go\t one\t important\t step\t further:\t they\t show each\tother\tthat\tthey\tare\tbeing\tlistened\tto.\tSince\tfeeling\theard\tis\toften exactly\t what\t the\t aggrieved\t partner\t really\t is\t after,\t emotionally\t an\t act of\tempathy\tis\ta\tmasterly\ttension\treducer.","Most\t notably\t missing\t in\t couples\t who\t eventually\t divorce\t are attempts\t by\t either\t partner\t in\t an\t argument\t to\t de-escalate\t the\t tension. The\tpresence\tor\tabsence\tof\tways\tto\trepair\ta\trift\tis\ta\tcrucial\tdifference between\tthe\tfights\tof\tcouples\twho\thave\ta\thealthy\tmarriage\tand\tthose of\tcouples\twho\teventually\tend\tup\tdivorcing.25\tThe\trepair\tmechanisms that\t keep\t an\t argument\t from\t escalating\t into\t a\t dire\t explosion\t are simple\t moves\t such\t as\t keeping\t the\t discussion\t on\t track,\t empathizing, and\t tension\t reduction.\t These\t basic\t moves\t are\t like\t an\t emotional thermostat,\tpreventing\tthe\tfeelings\tbeing\texpressed\tfrom\tboiling\tover and\toverwhelming\tthe\tpartners\u2019\tability\tto\tfocus\ton\tthe\tissue\tat\thand. One\t overall\t strategy\t for\t making\t a\t marriage\t work\t is\t not\t to concentrate\t on\t the\t specific\t issues\u2014childrearing,\t sex,\t money, housework\u2014that\t couples\t fight\t about,\t but\t rather\t to\t cultivate\t a couple\u2019s\tshared\temotional\tintelligence,\tthereby\timproving\tthe\tchances of\t working\t things\t out.\t A\t handful\t of\t emotional\t competences\u2014mainly being\t able\t to\t calm\t down\t (and\t calm\t your\t partner),\t empathy,\t and listening\t well\u2014can\t make\t it\t more\t likely\t a\t couple\t will\t settle\t their disagreements\teffectively.\tThese\tmake\tpossible\thealthy\tdisagreements, the\t \u201cgood\t fights\u201d\t that\t allow\t a\t marriage\t to\t flourish\t and\t which overcome\t the\t negativities\t that,\t if\t left\t to\t grow,\t can\t destroy\t a marriage.26 Of\t course,\t none\t of\t these\t emotional\t habits\t changes\t overnight;\t it takes\tpersistence\tand\tvigilance\tat\tthe\tvery\tleast.\tCouples\twill\tbe\table to\t make\t the\t key\t changes\t in\t direct\t proportion\t to\t how\t motivated\t they are\t to\t try.\t Many\t or\t most\t emotional\t responses\t triggered\t so\t easily\t in marriage\thave\tbeen\tsculpted\tsince\tchildhood,\tfirst\tlearned\tin\tour\tmost intimate\t relationships\t or\t modeled\t for\t us\t by\t our\t parents,\t and\t then brought\t to\t marriage\t fully\t formed.\t And\t so\t we\t are\t primed\t for\t certain emotional\t habits\u2014overreacting\t to\t perceived\t slights,\t say,\t or\t shutting down\t at\t the\t first\t sign\t of\t a\t confrontation\u2014even\t though\t we\t may\t have sworn\tthat\twe\twould\tnot\tact\tlike\tour\tparents. Calming\tDown Every\t strong\t emotion\t has\t at\t its\t root\t an\t impulse\t to\t action;\t managing those\t impulses\t is\t basic\t to\t emotional\t intelligence.\t This\t can\t be particularly\t difficult,\t though,\t in\t love\t relationships,\t where\t we\t have\t so much\t at\t stake.\t The\t reactions\t triggered\t here\t touch\t on\t some\t of\t our deepest\t needs\u2014to\t be\t loved\t and\t feel\t respected,\t fears\t of\t abandonment or\t of\t being\t emotionally\t deprived.\t Small\t wonder\t we\t can\t act\t in\t a","marital\tfight\tas\tthough\tour\tvery\tsurvival\twere\tat\tstake. Even\tso,\tnothing\tgets\tresolved\tpositively\twhen\thusband\tor\twife\tis\tin the\t midst\t of\t an\t emotional\t hijacking.\t One\t key\t marital\t competence\t is for\t partners\t to\t learn\t to\t soothe\t their\t own\t distressed\t feelings. Essentially,\t this\t means\t mastering\t the\t ability\t to\t recover\t quickly\t from the\t flooding\t caused\t by\t an\t emotional\t hijacking.\t Because\t the\t ability\t to hear,\tthink,\tand\tspeak\twith\tclarity\tdissolves\tduring\tsuch\tan\temotional peak,\tcalming\tdown\tis\tan\timmensely\tconstructive\tstep,\twithout\twhich there\tcan\tbe\tno\tfurther\tprogress\tin\tsettling\twhat\u2019s\tat\tissue. Ambitious\t couples\t can\t learn\t to\t monitor\t their\t pulse\t rates\t every\t five minutes\t or\t so\t during\t a\t troubling\t encounter,\t feeling\t the\t pulse\t at\t the carotid\tartery\ta\tfew\tinches\tbelow\tthe\tearlobe\tand\tjaw\t(people\twho\tdo aerobic\t workouts\t learn\t to\t do\t this\t easily).27\t Counting\t the\t pulse\t for fifteen\t seconds\t and\t multiplying\t by\t four\t gives\t the\t pulse\t rate\t in\t beats per\t minute.\t Doing\t so\t while\t feeling\t calm\t gives\t a\t baseline;\t if\t the\t pulse rate\t rises\t more\t than,\t say,\t ten\t beats\t per\t minute\t above\t that\t level,\t it signals\t the\t beginning\t of\t flooding.\t If\t the\t pulse\t climbs\t this\t much,\t a couple\t needs\t a\t twenty-minute\t break\t from\t each\t other\t to\t cool\t down before\t resuming\t the\t discussion.\t Although\t a\t five-minute\t break\t may feel\t long\t enough,\t the\t actual\t physiological\t recovery\t time\t is\t more gradual.\t As\t we\t saw\t in\t Chapter\t 5,\t residual\t anger\t triggers\t more\t anger; the\t longer\t wait\t gives\t the\t body\t more\t time\t to\t recover\t from\t the\t earlier arousal. For\tcouples\twho,\tunderstandably,\tfind\tit\tawkward\tto\tmonitor\theart rate\t during\t a\t fight,\t it\t is\t simpler\t to\t have\t a\t prestated\t agreement\t that allows\tone\tor\tanother\tpartner\tto\tcall\tthe\ttime-out\tat\tthe\tfirst\tsigns\tof flooding\t in\t either\t partner.\t During\t that\t time-out\t period,\t cooling\t down can\tbe\thelped\talong\tby\tengaging\tin\ta\trelaxation\ttechnique\tor\taerobic exercise\t (or\t any\t of\t the\t other\t methods\t we\t explored\t in\t Chapter\t5)\t that might\thelp\tthe\tpartners\trecover\tfrom\tthe\temotional\thijacking. Detoxifying\tSelf-talk Because\t flooding\t is\t triggered\t by\t negative\t thoughts\t about\t the\t partner, it\t helps\t if\t a\t husband\t or\t wife\t who\t is\t being\t upset\t by\t such\t harsh judgments\t tackles\t them\t head-on.\t Sentiments\t like\t \u201cI\u2019m\t not\t going\t to take\t this\t anymore\u201d\t or\t \u201cI\t don\u2019t\t deserve\t this\t kind\t of\t treatment\u201d\t are innocent-victim\t or\t righteous-indignation\t slogans.\t As\t cognitive therapist\t Aaron\t Beck\t points\t out,\t by\t catching\t these\t thoughts\t and challenging\tthem\u2014rather\tthan\tsimply\tbeing\tenraged\tor\thurt\tby\tthem","\u2014a\thusband\tor\twife\tcan\tbegin\tto\tbecome\tfree\tof\ttheir\thold.28 This\trequires\tmonitoring\tsuch\tthoughts,\trealizing\tthat\tone\tdoes\tnot have\t to\t believe\t them,\t and\t making\t the\t intentional\t effort\t to\t bring\t to mind\tevidence\tor\tperspectives\tthat\tput\tthem\tin\tquestion.\tFor\texample, a\twife\twho\tfeels\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment\tthat\t\u201che\tdoesn\u2019t\tcare\tabout my\t needs\u2014he\u2019s\t always\t so\t selfish\u201d\t might\t challenge\t the\t thought\t by reminding\t herself\t of\t a\t number\t of\t things\t her\t husband\t has\t done\t that are,\t in\t fact,\t thoughtful.\t This\t allows\t her\t to\t reframe\t the\t thought\t as: \u201cWell,\the\tdoes\tshow\the\tcares\tabout\tme\tsometimes,\teven\tthough\twhat he\t just\t did\t was\t thoughtless\t and\t upsetting\t to\t me.\u201d\t The\t latter formulation\t opens\t the\t possibility\t of\t change\t and\t a\t positive\t resolution; the\tformer\tonly\tfoments\tanger\tand\thurt. Nondefensive\tListening\tand\tSpeaking He:\t\u201cYou\u2019re\tshouting!\u201d She:\t\u201cOf\tcourse\tI\u2019m\tshouting\u2014you\thaven\u2019t\theard\ta\tword\tI\u2019m\tsaying. You\tjust\tdon\u2019t\tlisten!\u201d Listening\t is\t a\t skill\t that\t keeps\t couples\t together.\t Even\t in\t the\t heat\t of an\t argument,\t when\t both\t are\t seized\t by\t emotional\t hijackings,\t one\t or the\t other,\t and\t sometimes\t both,\t can\t manage\t to\t listen\t past\t the\t anger, and\t hear\t and\t respond\t to\t a\t partner\u2019s\t reparative\t gesture.\t Couples headed\t for\t divorce,\t though,\t get\t absorbed\t in\t the\t anger\t and\t fixated\t on the\t specifics\t of\t the\t issue\t at\t hand,\t not\t managing\t to\t hear\u2014let\t alone return\u2014any\t peace\t offerings\t that\t might\t be\t implicit\t in\t what\t their partner\t is\t saying.\t Defensiveness\t in\t a\t listener\t takes\t the\t form\t of ignoring\tor\timmediately\trebutting\tthe\tspouse\u2019s\tcomplaint,\treacting\tto it\t as\t though\t it\t were\t an\t attack\t rather\t than\t an\t attempt\t to\t change behavior.\t Of\t course,\t in\t an\t argument\t what\t one\t spouse\t says\t is\t often\t in the\t form\t of\t an\t attack,\t or\t is\t said\t with\t such\t strong\t negativity\t that\t it\t is hard\tto\thear\tanything\tother\tthan\tan\tattack. Even\t in\t the\t worst\t case,\t it\u2019s\t possible\t for\t a\t couple\t to\t purposely\t edit what\t they\t hear,\t ignoring\t the\t hostile\t and\t negative\t parts\t of\t the exchange\u2014the\t nasty\t tone,\t the\t insult,\t the\t contemptuous\t criticism\u2014to hear\tthe\tmain\tmessage.\tFor\tthis\tfeat\tit\thelps\tif\tpartners\tcan\tremember to\t see\t each\t other\u2019s\t negativity\t as\t an\t implicit\t statement\t of\t how important\t the\t issue\t is\t to\t them\u2014a\t demand\t for\t attention\t to\t be\t paid. Then\t if\t she\t yells,\t \u201cWill\t you\t stop\t interrupting\t me,\t for\t crissake!\u201d\t he might\t be\t more\t able\t to\t say,\t without\t reacting\t overtly\t to\t her\t hostility, \u201cOkay,\tgo\tahead\tand\tfinish.\u201d","The\t most\t powerful\t form\t of\t nondefensive\t listening,\t of\t course,\t is empathy:\t actually\t hearing\t the\t feelings\t behind\t what\t is\t being\t said.\t As we\tsaw\tin\tChapter\t7,\t for\t one\t partner\t in\t a\t couple\t to\t truly\t empathize with\t the\t other\t demands\t that\t his\t own\t emotional\t reactions\t calm\t down to\t the\t point\t where\t he\t is\t receptive\t enough\t for\t his\t own\t physiology\t to be\t able\t to\t mirror\t the\t feelings\t of\t his\t partner.\t Without\t this physiological\t attunement,\t a\t partner\u2019s\t sense\t of\t what\t the\t other\t is feeling\t is\t likely\t to\t be\t entirely\t off\t base.\t Empathy\t deteriorates\t when one\u2019s\t own\t feelings\t are\t so\t strong\t that\t they\t allow\t no\t physiological harmonizing,\tbut\tsimply\toverride\teverything\telse. One\tmethod\tfor\teffective\temotional\tlistening,\tcalled\t\u201cmirroring,\u201d\tis commonly\t used\t in\t marital\t therapy.\t When\t one\t partner\t makes\t a complaint,\t the\t other\t repeats\t it\t back\t in\t her\t own\t words,\t trying\t to capture\tnot\tjust\tthe\tthought,\tbut\talso\tthe\tfeelings\tthat\tgo\twith\tit.\tThe partner\t mirroring\t checks\t with\t the\t other\t to\t be\t sure\t the\t restatement\t is on\t target,\t and\t if\t not,\t tries\t again\t until\t it\t is\t right\u2014something\t that seems\t simple,\t but\t is\t surprisingly\t tricky\t in\t execution.29\t The\t effect\t of being\t mirrored\t accurately\t is\t not\t just\t feeling\t understood,\t but\t having the\t added\t sense\t of\t being\t in\t emotional\t attunement.\t That\t in\t itself\t can sometimes\t disarm\t an\t imminent\t attack,\t and\t goes\t far\t toward\t keeping discussions\tof\tgrievances\tfrom\tescalating\tinto\tfights. The\t art\t of\t nondefensive\t speaking\t for\t couples\t centers\t around keeping\twhat\tis\tsaid\tto\ta\tspecific\tcomplaint\trather\tthan\tescalating\tto\ta personal\t attack.\t Psychologist\t Haim\t Ginott,\t the\t grandfather\t of effective-communication\t programs,\t recommended\t that\t the\t best formula\t for\t a\t complaint\t is\t \u201cXYZ\u201d:\t \u201cWhen\t you\t did\t X,\t it\t made\t me\t feel Y,\t and\t I\u2019d\t rather\t you\t did\t Z\t instead.\u201d\t For\t example:\t \u201cWhen\t you\t didn\u2019t call\tto\ttell\tme\tyou\twere\tgoing\tto\tbe\tlate\tfor\tour\tdinner\tappointment,\tI felt\t unappreciated\t and\t angry.\t I\t wish\t you\u2019d\t call\t to\t let\t me\t know\t you\u2019ll be\tlate\u201d\tinstead\tof\t\u201cYou\u2019re\ta\tthoughtless,\tself-centered\tbastard,\u201d\twhich is\t how\t the\t issue\t is\t all\t too\t often\t put\t in\t couples\u2019\t fights.\t In\t short,\t open communication\t has\t no\t bullying,\t threats,\t or\t insults.\t Nor\t does\t it\t allow for\t any\t of\t the\t innumerable\t forms\t of\t defensiveness\u2014excuses,\t denying responsibility,\t counterattacking\t with\t a\t criticism,\t and\t the\t like.\t Here again\tempathy\tis\ta\tpotent\ttool. Finally,\t respect\t and\t love\t disarm\t hostility\t in\t marriage,\t as\t elsewhere in\t life.\t One\t powerful\t way\t to\t de-escalate\t a\t fight\t is\t to\t let\t your\t partner know\tthat\tyou\tcan\tsee\tthings\tfrom\tthe\tother\tperspective,\tand\tthat\tthis point\t of\t view\t may\t have\t validity,\t even\t if\t you\t do\t not\t agree\t with\t it yourself.\tAnother\tis\tto\ttake\tresponsibility\tor\teven\tapologize\tif\tyou\tsee","you\t are\t in\t the\t wrong.\t At\t a\t minimum,\t validation\t means\t at\t least conveying\t that\t you\t are\t listening,\t and\t can\t acknowledge\t the\t emotions being\texpressed,\teven\tif\tyou\tcan\u2019t\tgo\talong\twith\tthe\targument:\t\u201cI\tsee you\u2019re\t upset.\u201d\t And\t at\t other\t times,\t when\t there\t is\t no\t fight\t going\t on, validation\t takes\t the\t form\t of\t compliments,\t finding\t something\t you genuinely\tappreciate\tand\tvoicing\tsome\tpraise.\tValidation,\tof\tcourse,\tis a\tway\tto\thelp\tsoothe\tyour\tspouse,\tor\tto\tbuild\tup\temotional\tcapital\tin the\tform\tof\tpositive\tfeelings. Practicing Because\t these\t maneuvers\t are\t to\t be\t called\t upon\t during\t the\t heat\t of confrontation,\twhen\temotional\tarousal\tis\tsure\tto\tbe\thigh,\tthey\thave\tto be\toverlearned\tif\tthey\tare\tto\tbe\taccessible\twhen\tneeded\tmost.\tThis\tis because\t the\t emotional\t brain\t engages\t those\t response\t routines\t that were\t learned\t earliest\t in\t life\t during\t repeated\t moments\t of\t anger\t and hurt,\tand\tso\tbecome\tdominant.\tMemory\tand\tresponse\tbeing\temotion- specific,\t in\t such\t moments\t reactions\t associated\t with\t calmer\t times\t are less\t easy\t to\t remember\t and\t act\t on.\t If\t a\t more\t productive\t emotional response\tis\tunfamiliar\tor\tnot\twell\tpracticed,\tit\tis\textremely\tdifficult\tto try\tit\twhile\tupset.\tBut\tif\ta\tresponse\tis\tpracticed\tso\tthat\tit\thas\tbecome automatic,\t it\t has\t a\t better\t chance\t of\t finding\t expression\t during emotional\t crisis.\t For\t these\t reasons,\t the\t above\t strategies\t need\t to\t be tried\t out\t and\t rehearsed\t during\t encounters\t that\t are\t not\t stressful,\t as well\tas\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tbattle,\tif\tthey\tare\tto\thave\ta\tchance\tto\tbecome\tan acquired\tfirst\tresponse\t(or\tat\tleast\ta\tnot-too-belated\tsecond\tresponse) in\tthe\trepertoire\tof\tthe\temotional\tcircuitry.\tIn\tessence,\tthese\tantidotes to\t marital\t disintegration\t are\t a\t small\t remedial\t education\t in\t emotional intelligence.","10 Managing\twith\tHeart Melburn\t McBroom\t was\t a\t domineering\t boss,\t with\t a\t temper\t that intimidated\tthose\twho\tworked\twith\thim.\tThat\tfact\tmight\thave\tpassed unremarked\t had\t McBroom\t worked\t in\t an\t office\t or\t factory.\t But McBroom\twas\tan\tairline\tpilot. One\t day\t in\t 1978\t McBroom\u2019s\t plane\t was\t approaching\t Portland, Oregon,\t when\t he\t noticed\t a\t problem\t with\t the\t landing\t gear.\t So McBroom\t went\t into\t a\t holding\t pattern,\t circling\t the\t field\t at\t a\t high altitude\twhile\the\tfiddled\twith\tthe\tmechanism. As\t McBroom\t obsessed\t about\t the\t landing\t gear,\t the\t plane\u2019s\t fuel gauges\t steadily\t approached\t the\t empty\t level.\t But\t his\t copilots\t were\t so fearful\t of\t McBroom\u2019s\t wrath\t that\t they\t said\t nothing,\t even\t as\t disaster loomed.\tThe\tplane\tcrashed,\tkilling\tten\tpeople. Today\t the\t story\t of\t that\t crash\t is\t told\t as\t a\t cautionary\t tale\t in\t the safety\ttraining\tof\tairline\tpilots.1\tIn\t80\tpercent\tof\tairline\tcrashes,\tpilots make\t mistakes\t that\t could\t have\t been\t prevented,\t particularly\t if\t the crew\t worked\t together\t more\t harmoniously.\t Teamwork,\t open\t lines\t of communication,\t cooperation,\t listening,\t and\t speaking\t one\u2019s\t mind\u2014 rudiments\t of\t social\t intelligence\u2014are\t now\t emphasized\t in\t training pilots,\talong\twith\ttechnical\tprowess. The\t cockpit\t is\t a\t microcosm\t of\t any\t working\t organization.\t But lacking\tthe\tdramatic\treality\tcheck\tof\tan\tairplane\tcrash,\tthe\tdestructive effects\tof\tmiserable\tmorale,\tintimidated\tworkers,\tor\tarrogant\tbosses\u2014 or\t any\t of\t the\t dozens\t of\t other\t permutations\t of\t emotional\t deficiencies in\t the\t workplace\u2014can\t go\t largely\t unnoticed\t by\t those\t outside\t the immediate\tscene.\tBut\tthe\tcosts\tcan\tbe\tread\tin\tsigns\tsuch\tas\tdecreased productivity,\t an\t increase\t in\t missed\t deadlines,\t mistakes\t and\t mishaps, and\t an\t exodus\t of\t employees\t to\t more\t congenial\t settings.\t There\t is, inevitably,\t a\t cost\t to\t the\t bottom\t line\t from\t low\t levels\t of\t emotional intelligence\ton\tthe\tjob.\tWhen\tit\tis\trampant,\tcompanies\tcan\tcrash\tand burn. The\t cost-effectiveness\t of\t emotional\t intelligence\t is\t a\t relatively\t new idea\t for\t business,\t one\t some\t managers\t may\t find\t hard\t to\t accept.\t A","study\t of\t 250\t executives\t found\t that\t most\t felt\t their\t work\t demanded \u201ctheir\t heads\t but\t not\t their\t hearts.\u201d\t Many\t said\t they\t feared\t that\t feeling empathy\tor\tcompassion\tfor\tthose\tthey\tworked\twith\twould\tput\tthem\tin conflict\t with\t their\t organizational\t goals.\t One\t felt\t the\t idea\t of\t sensing the\t feelings\t of\t those\t who\t worked\t for\t him\t was\t absurd\u2014it\t would,\t he said,\t\u201cbe\timpossible\tto\tdeal\twith\tpeople.\u201d\tOthers\tprotested\tthat\tif\tthey were\tnot\temotionally\taloof\tthey\twould\tbe\tunable\tto\tmake\tthe\t\u201chard\u201d decisions\t that\t business\t requires\u2014although\t the\t likelihood\t is\t that\t they would\tdeliver\tthose\tdecisions\tmore\thumanely.2 That\t study\t was\t done\t in\t the\t 1970s,\t when\t the\t business\t environment was\tvery\tdifferent.\tMy\targument\tis\tthat\tsuch\tattitudes\tare\toutmoded, a\t luxury\t of\t a\t former\t day;\t a\t new\t competitive\t reality\t is\t putting emotional\t intelligence\t at\t a\t premium\t in\t the\t workplace\t and\t in\t the marketplace.\t As\t Shoshona\t Zuboff,\t a\t psychologist\t at\t Harvard\t Business School,\tpointed\tout\tto\tme,\t\u201ccorporations\thave\tgone\tthrough\ta\tradical revolution\t within\t this\t century,\t and\t with\t this\t has\t come\t a corresponding\ttransformation\tof\tthe\temotional\tlandscape.\tThere\twas\ta long\t period\t of\t managerial\t domination\t of\t the\t corporate\t hierarchy when\t the\t manipulative,\t jungle-fighter\t boss\t was\t rewarded.\t But\t that rigid\t hierarchy\t started\t breaking\t down\t in\t the\t 1980s\t under\t the\t twin pressures\t of\t globalization\t and\t information\t technology.\t The\t jungle fighter\t symbolizes\t where\t the\t corporation\t has\t been;\t the\t virtuoso\t in interpersonal\tskills\tis\tthe\tcorporate\tfuture.\u201d3 Some\t of\t the\t reasons\t are\t patently\t obvious\u2014imagine\t the consequences\t for\t a\t working\t group\t when\t someone\t is\t unable\t to\t keep from\t exploding\t in\t anger\t or\t has\t no\t sensitivity\t about\t what\t the\t people around\t him\t are\t feeling.\t All\t the\t deleterious\t effects\t of\t agitation\t on thinking\t reviewed\t in\t Chapter\t6\t operate\t in\t the\t workplace\t too:\t When emotionally\t upset,\t people\t cannot\t remember,\t attend,\t learn,\t or\t make decisions\tclearly.\tAs\tone\tmanagement\tconsultant\tput\tit,\t\u201cStress\tmakes people\tstupid.\u201d On\t the\t positive\t side,\t imagine\t the\t benefits\t for\t work\t of\t being\t skilled in\t the\t basic\t emotional\t competences\u2014being\t attuned\t to\t the\t feelings\t of those\twe\tdeal\twith,\tbeing\table\tto\thandle\tdisagreements\tso\tthey\tdo\tnot escalate,\t having\t the\t ability\t to\t get\t into\t flow\t states\t while\t doing\t our work.\t Leadership\t is\t not\t domination,\t but\t the\t art\t of\t persuading\t people to\t work\t toward\t a\t common\t goal.\t And,\t in\t terms\t of\t managing\t our\t own career,\t there\t may\t be\t nothing\t more\t essential\t than\t recognizing\t our deepest\tfeelings\tabout\twhat\twe\tdo\u2014and\twhat\tchanges\tmight\tmake\tus more\ttruly\tsatisfied\twith\tour\twork.","Some\tof\tthe\tless\tobvious\treasons\temotional\taptitudes\tare\tmoving\tto the\t forefront\t of\t business\t skills\t reflect\t sweeping\t changes\t in\t the workplace.\t Let\t me\t make\t my\t point\t by\t tracking\t the\t difference\t three applications\t of\t emotional\t intelligence\t make:\t being\t able\t to\t air grievances\t as\t helpful\t critiques,\t creating\t an\t atmosphere\t in\t which diversity\t is\t valued\t rather\t than\t a\t source\t of\t friction,\t and\t networking effectively. CRITICISM\tIS\tJOB\tONE He\t was\t a\t seasoned\t engineer,\t heading\t a\t software\t development\t project,\t presenting\t the result\t of\t months\t of\t work\t by\t his\t team\t to\t the\t company\u2019s\t vice\t president\t for\t product development.\t The\t men\t and\t women\t who\t had\t worked\t long\t days\t week\t after\t week\t were there\t with\t him,\t proud\t to\t present\t the\t fruit\t of\t their\t hard\t labor.\t But\t as\t the\t engineer finished\t his\t presentation,\t the\t vice\t president\t turned\t to\t him\t and\t asked\t sarcastically, \u201cHow\t long\t have\t you\t been\t out\t of\t graduate\t school?\t These\t specifications\t are\t ridiculous. They\thave\tno\tchance\tof\tgetting\tpast\tmy\tdesk.\u201d The\t engineer,\t utterly\t embarrassed\t and\t deflated,\t sat\t glumly\t through\t the\t rest\t of\t the meeting,\treduced\tto\tsilence.\tThe\tmen\tand\twomen\ton\this\tteam\tmade\ta\tfew\tdesultory\u2014 and\t some\t hostile\u2014remarks\t in\t defense\t of\t their\t effort.\t The\t vice\t president\t was\t then called\t away\t and\t the\t meeting\t broke\t up\t abruptly,\t leaving\t a\t residue\t of\t bitterness\t and anger. For\t the\t next\t two\t weeks\t the\t engineer\t was\t obsessed\t by\t the\t vice\t president\u2019s\t remarks. Dispirited\tand\tdepressed,\the\twas\tconvinced\the\twould\tnever\tget\tanother\tassignment\tof importance\t at\t the\t company,\t and\t was\t thinking\t of\t leaving,\t even\t though\t he\t enjoyed\t his work\tthere. Finally\t the\t engineer\t went\t to\t see\t the\t vice\t president,\t reminding\t him\t of\t the\t meeting, his\t critical\t remarks,\t and\t their\t demoralizing\t effect.\t Then\t he\t made\t a\t carefully\t worded inquiry:\t \u201cI\u2019m\t a\t little\t confused\t by\t what\t you\t were\t trying\t to\t accomplish.\t I\t assume\t you were\tnot\tjust\ttrying\tto\tembarrass\tme\u2014did\tyou\thave\tsome\tother\tgoal\tin\tmind?\u201d The\tvice\tpresident\twas\tastonished\u2014he\thad\tno\tidea\tthat\this\tremark,\twhich\the\tmeant as\t a\t throwaway\t line,\t had\t been\t so\t devastating.\t In\t fact,\t he\t thought\t the\t software\t plan was\t promising,\t but\t needed\t more\t work\u2014he\t hadn\u2019t\t meant\t to\t dismiss\t it\t as\t utterly worthless\t at\t all.\t He\t simply\t had\t not\t realized,\t he\t said,\t how\t poorly\t he\t had\t put\t his reaction,\tnor\tthat\the\thad\thurt\tanyone\u2019s\tfeelings.\tAnd,\tbelatedly,\the\tapologized.4 It\u2019s\ta\tquestion\tof\tfeedback,\treally,\tof\tpeople\tgetting\tthe\tinformation essential\tto\tkeep\ttheir\tefforts\ton\ttrack.\tIn\tits\toriginal\tsense\tin\tsystems theory,\tfeedback\tmeant\tthe\texchange\tof\tdata\tabout\thow\tone\tpart\tof\ta","system\t is\t working,\t with\t the\t understanding\t that\t one\t part\t affects\t all others\t in\t the\t system,\t so\t that\t any\t part\t heading\t off\t course\t could\t be changed\t for\t the\t better.\t In\t a\t company\t everyone\t is\t part\t of\t the\t system, and\tso\tfeedback\tis\tthe\tlifeblood\tof\tthe\torganization\u2014the\texchange\tof information\t that\t lets\t people\t know\t if\t the\t job\t they\t are\t doing\t is\t going well\t or\t needs\t to\t be\t fine-tuned,\t upgraded,\t or\t redirected\t entirely. Without\tfeedback\tpeople\tare\tin\tthe\tdark;\tthey\thave\tno\tidea\thow\tthey stand\twith\ttheir\tboss,\twith\ttheir\tpeers,\tor\tin\tterms\tof\twhat\tis\texpected of\tthem,\tand\tany\tproblems\twill\tonly\tget\tworse\tas\ttime\tpasses. In\t a\t sense,\t criticism\t is\t one\t of\t the\t most\t important\t tasks\t a\t manager has.\t Yet\t it\u2019s\t also\t one\t of\t the\t most\t dreaded\t and\t put\t off.\t And,\t like\t the sarcastic\tvice\tpresident,\ttoo\tmany\tmanagers\thave\tpoorly\tmastered\tthe crucial\t art\t of\t feedback.\t This\t deficiency\t has\t a\t great\t cost:\t just\t as\t the emotional\t health\t of\t a\t couple\t depends\t on\t how\t well\t they\t air\t their grievances,\t so\t do\t the\t effectiveness,\t satisfaction,\t and\t productivity\t of people\tat\twork\tdepend\ton\thow\tthey\tare\ttold\tabout\tnagging\tproblems. Indeed,\t how\t criticisms\t are\t given\t and\t received\t goes\t a\t long\t way\t in determining\thow\tsatisfied\tpeople\tare\twith\ttheir\twork,\twith\tthose\tthey work\twith,\tand\twith\tthose\tto\twhom\tthey\tare\tresponsible. The\tWorst\tWay\tto\tMotivate\tSomeone The\t emotional\t vicissitudes\t at\t work\t in\t marriage\t also\t operate\t in\t the workplace,\t where\t they\t take\t similar\t forms.\t Criticisms\t are\t voiced\t as personal\tattacks\trather\tthan\tcomplaints\tthat\tcan\tbe\tacted\tupon;\tthere are\t ad\t hominem\t charges\t with\t dollops\t of\t disgust,\t sarcasm,\t and contempt;\t both\t give\t rise\t to\t defensiveness\t and\t dodging\t of responsibility\t and,\t finally,\t to\t stonewalling\t or\t the\t embittered\t passive resistance\tthat\tcomes\tfrom\tfeeling\tunfairly\ttreated.\tIndeed,\tone\tof\tthe more\t common\t forms\t of\t destructive\t criticism\t in\t the\t workplace,\t says one\t business\t consultant,\t is\t a\t blanket,\t generalized\t statement\t like \u201cYou\u2019re\t screwing\t up,\u201d\t delivered\t in\t a\t harsh,\t sarcastic,\t angry\t tone, providing\t neither\t a\t chance\t to\t respond\t nor\t any\t suggestion\t of\t how\t to do\t things\t better.\t It\t leaves\t the\t person\t receiving\t it\t feeling\t helpless\t and angry.\t From\t the\t vantage\t point\t of\t emotional\t intelligence,\t such criticism\t displays\t an\t ignorance\t of\t the\t feelings\t it\t will\t trigger\t in\t those who\t receive\t it,\t and\t the\t devastating\t effect\t those\t feelings\t will\t have\t on their\tmotivation,\tenergy,\tand\tconfidence\tin\tdoing\ttheir\twork. This\t destructive\t dynamic\t showed\t up\t in\t a\t survey\t of\t managers\t who were\tasked\tto\tthink\tback\tto\ttimes\tthey\tblew\tup\tat\temployees\tand,\tin","the\t heat\t of\t the\t moment,\t made\t a\t personal\t attack.5\t The\t angry\t attacks had\teffects\tmuch\tlike\tthey\twould\tin\ta\tmarried\tcouple:\tthe\temployees who\treceived\tthem\treacted\tmost\toften\tby\tbecoming\tdefensive,\tmaking excuses,\tor\tevading\tresponsibility.\tOr\tthey\tstonewalled\u2014that\tis,\ttried to\t avoid\t all\t contact\t with\t the\t manager\t who\t blew\t up\t at\t them.\t If\t they had\t been\t subjected\t to\t the\t same\t emotional\t microscope\t that\t John Gottman\t used\t with\t married\t couples,\t these\t embittered\t employees would\t no\t doubt\t have\t been\t shown\t to\t be\t thinking\t the\t thoughts\t of innocent\t victimhood\t or\t righteous\t indignation\t typical\t of\t husbands\t or wives\t who\t feel\t unfairly\t attacked.\t If\t their\t physiology\t were\t measured, they\t would\t probably\t also\t display\t the\t flooding\t that\t reinforces\t such thoughts.\t And\t yet\t the\t managers\t were\t only\t further\t annoyed\t and provoked\tby\tthese\tresponses,\tsuggesting\tthe\tbeginning\tof\ta\tcycle\tthat, in\t the\t business\t world,\t ends\t in\t the\t employee\t quitting\t or\t being\t fired\u2014 the\tbusiness\tequivalent\tof\ta\tdivorce. Indeed,\tin\ta\tstudy\tof\t108\tmanagers\tand\twhite-collar\tworkers,\tinept criticism\t was\t ahead\t of\t mistrust,\t personality\t struggles,\t and\t disputes over\t power\t and\t pay\t as\t a\t reason\t for\t conflict\t on\t the\t job.6\t An experiment\t done\t at\t Rensselaer\t Polytechnic\t Institute\t shows\t just\t how damaging\t to\t working\t relationships\t a\t cutting\t criticism\t can\t be.\t In\t a simulation,\tvolunteers\twere\tgiven\tthe\ttask\tof\tcreating\tan\tad\tfor\ta\tnew shampoo.\t Another\t volunteer\t (a\t confederate)\t supposedly\t judged\t the proposed\t ads;\t volunteers\t actually\t received\t one\t of\t two\t prearranged criticisms.\t One\t critique\t was\t considerate\t and\t specific.\t But\t the\t other included\t threats\t and\t blamed\t the\t person\u2019s\t innate\t deficiencies,\t with remarks\t like,\t \u201cDidn\u2019t\t even\t try;\t can\u2019t\t seem\t to\t do\t anything\t right\u201d\t and \u201cMaybe\tit\u2019s\tjust\tlack\tof\ttalent.\tI\u2019d\ttry\tto\tget\tsomeone\telse\tto\tdo\tit.\u201d Understandably,\t those\t who\t were\t attacked\t became\t tense\t and\t angry and\tantagonistic,\tsaying\tthey\twould\trefuse\tto\tcollaborate\tor\tcooperate on\t future\t projects\t with\t the\t person\t who\t gave\t the\t criticism.\t Many indicated\t they\t would\t want\t to\t avoid\t contact\t altogether\u2014in\t other words,\t they\t felt\t like\t stonewalling.\t The\t harsh\t criticism\t made\t those who\t received\t it\t so\t demoralized\t that\t they\t no\t longer\t tried\t as\t hard\t at their\t work\t and,\t perhaps\t most\t damaging,\t said\t they\t no\t longer\t felt capable\t of\t doing\t well.\t The\t personal\t attack\t was\t devastating\t to\t their morale. Many\t managers\t are\t too\t willing\t to\t criticize,\t but\t frugal\t with\t praise, leaving\ttheir\temployees\tfeeling\tthat\tthey\tonly\thear\tabout\thow\tthey\u2019re doing\t when\t they\t make\t a\t mistake.\t This\t propensity\t to\t criticism\t is compounded\t by\t managers\t who\t delay\t giving\t any\t feedback\t at\t all\t for","long\t periods.\t \u201cMost\t problems\t in\t an\t employee\u2019s\t performance\t are\t not sudden;\t they\t develop\t slowly\t over\t time,\u201d\t J.\t R.\t Larson,\t a\t University\t of Illinois\t at\t Urbana\t psychologist,\t notes.\t \u201cWhen\t the\t boss\t fails\t to\t let\t his feelings\t be\t known\t promptly,\t it\t leads\t to\t his\t frustration\t building\t up slowly.\tThen,\tone\tday,\the\tblows\tup\tabout\tit.\tIf\tthe\tcriticism\thad\tbeen given\t earlier\t on,\t the\t employee\t would\t have\t been\t able\t to\t correct\t the problem.\tToo\toften\tpeople\tcriticize\tonly\twhen\tthings\tboil\tover,\twhen they\t get\t too\t angry\t to\t contain\t themselves.\t And\t that\u2019s\t when\t they\t give the\t criticism\t in\t the\t worst\t way,\t in\t a\t tone\t of\t biting\t sarcasm,\t calling\t to mind\ta\tlong\tlist\tof\tgrievances\tthey\thad\tkept\tto\tthemselves,\tor\tmaking threats.\t Such\t attacks\t backfire.\t They\t are\t received\t as\t an\t affront,\t so\t the recipient\t becomes\t angry\t in\t return.\t It\u2019s\t the\t worst\t way\t to\t motivate someone.\u201d The\tArtful\tCritique Consider\tthe\talternative. An\t artful\t critique\t can\t be\t one\t of\t the\t most\t helpful\t messages\t a manager\t can\t send.\t For\t example,\t what\t the\t contemptuous\t vice president\t could\t have\t told\t the\t software\t engineer\u2014but\t did\t not\u2014was something\tlike:\t\u201cThe\tmain\tdifficulty\tat\tthis\tstage\tis\tthat\tyour\tplan\twill take\t too\t long\t and\t so\t escalate\t costs.\t I\u2019d\t like\t you\t to\t think\t more\t about your\t proposal,\t especially\t the\t design\t specifications\t for\t software development,\t to\t see\t if\t you\t can\t figure\t out\t a\t way\t to\t do\t the\t same\t job more\tquickly.\u201d\tSuch\ta\tmessage\thas\tthe\topposite\timpact\tof\tdestructive criticism:\t instead\t of\t creating\t helplessness,\t anger,\t and\t rebellion,\t it holds\t out\t the\t hope\t of\t doing\t better\t and\t suggests\t the\t beginning\t of\t a plan\tfor\tdoing\tso. An\t artful\t critique\t focuses\t on\t what\t a\t person\t has\t done\t and\t can\t do rather\t than\t reading\t a\t mark\t of\t character\t into\t a\t job\t poorly\t done.\t As Larson\t observes,\t \u201cA\t character\t attack\u2014calling\t someone\t stupid\t or incompetent\u2014misses\t the\t point.\t You\t immediately\t put\t him\t on\t the defensive,\t so\t that\t he\u2019s\t no\t longer\t receptive\t to\t what\t you\t have\t to\t tell him\t about\t how\t to\t do\t things\t better.\u201d\t That\t advice,\t of\t course,\t is precisely\tthe\tsame\tas\tfor\tmarried\tcouples\tairing\ttheir\tgrievances. And,\tin\tterms\tof\tmotivation,\twhen\tpeople\tbelieve\tthat\ttheir\tfailures are\t due\t to\t some\t unchangeable\t deficit\t in\t themselves,\t they\t lose\t hope and\tstop\ttrying.\tThe\tbasic\tbelief\tthat\tleads\tto\toptimism,\tremember,\tis that\t setbacks\t or\t failures\t are\t due\t to\t circumstances\t that\t we\t can\t do something\tabout\tto\tchange\tthem\tfor\tthe\tbetter.","Harry\t Levinson,\t a\t psychoanalyst\t turned\t corporate\t consultant,\t gives the\t following\t advice\t on\t the\t art\t of\t the\t critique,\t which\t is\t intricately entwined\twith\tthe\tart\tof\tpraise: \u2022\tBe\tspecific.\t Pick\t a\t significant\t incident,\t an\t event\t that\t illustrates\t a key\t problem\t that\t needs\t changing\t or\t a\t pattern\t of\t deficiency,\t such\t as the\t inability\t to\t do\t certain\t parts\t of\t a\t job\t well.\t It\t demoralizes\t people just\t to\t hear\t that\t they\t are\t doing\t \u201csomething\u201d\t wrong\t without\t knowing what\t the\t specifics\t are\t so\t they\t can\t change.\t Focus\t on\t the\t specifics, saying\t what\t the\t person\t did\t well,\t what\t was\t done\t poorly,\t and\t how\t it could\t be\t changed.\t Don\u2019t\t beat\t around\t the\t bush\t or\t be\t oblique\t or evasive;\tit\twill\tmuddy\tthe\treal\tmessage.\tThis,\tof\tcourse,\tis\takin\tto\tthe advice\t to\t couples\t about\t the\t \u201cXYZ\u201d\t statement\t of\t a\t grievance:\t say exactly\t what\t the\t problem\t is,\t what\u2019s\t wrong\t with\t it\t or\t how\t it\t makes you\tfeel,\tand\twhat\tcould\tbe\tchanged. \u201cSpecificity,\u201d\tLevinson\tpoints\tout,\t\u201cis\tjust\tas\timportant\tfor\tpraise\tas for\t criticism.\t I\t won\u2019t\t say\t that\t vague\t praise\t has\t no\t effect\t at\t all,\t but\t it doesn\u2019t\thave\tmuch,\tand\tyou\tcan\u2019t\tlearn\tfrom\tit.\u201d7 \u2022\tOffer\ta\tsolution.\tThe\tcritique,\tlike\tall\tuseful\tfeedback,\tshould\tpoint to\t a\t way\t to\t fix\t the\t problem.\t Otherwise\t it\t leaves\t the\t recipient frustrated,\t demoralized,\t or\t demotivated.\t The\t critique\t may\t open\t the door\t to\t possibilities\t and\t alternatives\t that\t the\t person\t did\t not\t realize were\t there,\t or\t simply\t sensitize\t her\t to\t deficiencies\t that\t need\t attention \u2014but\t should\t include\t suggestions\t about\t how\t to\t take\t care\t of\t these problems. \u2022\tBe\tpresent.\tCritiques,\tlike\tpraise,\tare\tmost\teffective\tface\tto\tface\tand in\t private.\t People\t who\t are\t uncomfortable\t giving\t a\t criticism\u2014or offering\tpraise\u2014are\tlikely\tto\tease\tthe\tburden\ton\tthemselves\tby\tdoing it\tat\ta\tdistance,\tsuch\tas\tin\ta\tmemo.\tBut\tthis\tmakes\tthe\tcommunication too\timpersonal,\tand\trobs\tthe\tperson\treceiving\tit\tof\tan\topportunity\tfor a\tresponse\tor\tclarification. \u2022\t Be\t sensitive.\t This\t is\t a\t call\t for\t empathy,\t for\t being\t attuned\t to\t the impact\t of\t what\t you\t say\t and\t how\t you\t say\t it\t on\t the\t person\t at\t the receiving\t end.\t Managers\t who\t have\t little\t empathy,\t Levinson\t points out,\t are\t most\t prone\t to\t giving\t feedback\t in\t a\t hurtful\t fashion,\t such\t as the\twithering\tput-down.\tThe\tnet\teffect\tof\tsuch\tcriticism\tis\tdestructive: instead\t of\t opening\t the\t way\t for\t a\t corrective,\t it\t creates\t an\t emotional backlash\tof\tresentment,\tbitterness,\tdefensiveness,\tand\tdistance. Levinson\t also\t offers\t some\t emotional\t counsel\t for\t those\t at\t the","receiving\t end\t of\t criticism.\t One\t is\t to\t see\t the\t criticism\t as\t valuable information\tabout\thow\tto\tdo\tbetter,\tnot\tas\ta\tpersonal\tattack.\tAnother is\t to\t watch\t for\t the\t impulse\t toward\t defensiveness\t instead\t of\t taking responsibility.\tAnd,\tif\tit\tgets\ttoo\tupsetting,\task\tto\tresume\tthe\tmeeting later,\t after\t a\t period\t to\t absorb\t the\t difficult\t message\t and\t cool\t down\t a bit.\t Finally,\t he\t advises\t people\t to\t see\t criticism\t as\t an\t opportunity\t to work\t together\t with\t the\t critic\t to\t solve\t the\t problem,\t not\t as\t an adversarial\t situation.\t All\t this\t sage\t advice,\t of\t course,\t directly\t echoes suggestions\t for\t married\t couples\t trying\t to\t handle\t their\t complaints without\t doing\t permanent\t damage\t to\t their\t relationship.\t As\t with marriage,\tso\twith\twork. DEALING\tWITH\tDIVERSITY Sylvia\t Skeeter,\t a\t former\t army\t captain\t in\t her\t thirties,\t was\t a\t shift manager\t at\t a\t Denny\u2019s\t restaurant\t in\t Columbia,\t South\t Carolina.\t One slow\t afternoon\t a\t group\t of\t black\t customers\u2014a\t minister,\t an\t assistant pastor,\t and\t two\t visiting\t gospel\t singers\u2014came\t in\t for\t a\t meal,\t and\t sat and\t sat\t while\t the\t waitresses\t ignored\t them.\t The\t waitresses,\t recalls Skeeter,\t\u201cwould\tkind\tof\tglare,\twith\ttheir\thands\ton\ttheir\thips,\tand\tthen they\u2019d\t go\t back\t to\t talking\t among\t themselves,\t like\t a\t black\t person standing\tfive\tfeet\taway\tdidn\u2019t\texist.\u201d Skeeter,\t indignant,\t confronted\t the\t waitresses,\t and\t complained\t to the\tmanager,\twho\tshrugged\toff\ttheir\tactions,\tsaying,\t\u201cThat\u2019s\thow\tthey were\traised,\tand\tthere\u2019s\tnothing\tI\tcan\tdo\tabout\tit.\u201d\tSkeeter\tquit\ton\tthe spot;\tshe\tis\tblack. If\t that\t had\t been\t an\t isolated\t incident,\t this\t moment\t of\t blatant prejudice\t might\t have\t passed\t unnoted.\t But\t Sylvia\t Skeeter\t was\t one\t of hundreds\t of\t people\t who\t came\t forward\t to\t testify\t to\t a\t widespread pattern\t of\t antiblack\t prejudice\t throughout\t the\t Denny\u2019s\t restaurant chain,\t a\t pattern\t that\t resulted\t in\t a\t $54\t million\t settlement\t of\t a\t class- action\t suit\t on\t behalf\t of\t thousands\t of\t black\t customers\t who\t had suffered\tsuch\tindignities. The\t plaintiffs\t included\t a\t detail\t of\t seven\t African-American\t Secret Service\t agents\t who\t sat\t waiting\t for\t an\t hour\t for\t their\t breakfast\t while their\t white\t colleagues\t at\t the\t next\t table\t were\t served\t promptly\u2014as they\twere\tall\ton\ttheir\tway\tto\tprovide\tsecurity\tfor\ta\tvisit\tby\tPresident Clinton\t to\t the\t United\t States\t Naval\t Academy\t at\t Annapolis.\t They\t also included\ta\tblack\tgirl\twith\tparalyzed\tlegs\tin\tTampa,\tFlorida,\twho\tsat\tin","her\twheelchair\tfor\ttwo\thours\twaiting\tfor\ther\tfood\tlate\tone\tnight\tafter a\t prom.\t The\t pattern\t of\t discrimination,\t the\t class-action\t suit\t held,\t was due\t to\t the\t widespread\t assumption\t throughout\t the\t Denny\u2019s\t chain\u2014 particularly\t at\t the\t level\t of\t district\t and\t branch\t manager\u2014that\t black customers\twere\tbad\tfor\tbusiness.\tToday,\tlargely\tas\ta\tresult\tof\tthe\tsuit and\t publicity\t surrounding\t it,\t the\t Denny\u2019s\t chain\t is\t making\t amends\t to the\tblack\tcommunity.\tAnd\tevery\temployee,\tespecially\tmanagers,\tmust attend\tsessions\ton\tthe\tadvantages\tof\ta\tmultiracial\tclientele. Such\t seminars\t have\t become\t a\t staple\t of\t in-house\t training\t in companies\t throughout\t America,\t with\t the\t growing\t realization\t by managers\tthat\teven\tif\tpeople\tbring\tprejudices\tto\twork\twith\tthem,\tthey must\t learn\t to\t act\t as\t though\t they\t have\t none.\t The\t reasons,\t over\t and above\t human\t decency,\t are\t pragmatic.\t One\t is\t the\t shifting\t face\t of\t the workforce,\t as\t white\t males,\t who\t used\t to\t be\t the\t dominant\t group,\t are becoming\t a\t minority.\t A\t survey\t of\t several\t hundred\t American companies\t found\t that\t more\t than\t three\t quarters\t of\t new\t employees were\t nonwhite\u2014a\t demographic\t shift\t that\t is\t also\t reflected\t to\t a\t large extent\t in\t the\t changing\t pool\t of\t customers.8\t Another\t reason\t is\t the increasing\t need\t for\t international\t companies\t to\t have\t employees\t who not\tonly\tput\tany\tbias\taside\tto\tappreciate\tpeople\tfrom\tdiverse\tcultures (and\t markets)\t but\t also\t turn\t that\t appreciation\t to\t competitive advantage.\t A\t third\t motivation\t is\t the\t potential\t fruit\t of\t diversity,\t in terms\tof\theightened\tcollective\tcreativity\tand\tentrepreneurial\tenergy. All\tthis\tmeans\tthe\tculture\tof\tan\torganization\tmust\tchange\tto\tfoster tolerance,\t even\t if\t individual\t biases\t remain.\t But\t how\t can\t a\t company do\t this?\t The\t sad\t fact\t is\t that\t the\t panoply\t of\t one-day,\t one-video,\t or single-weekend\t \u201cdiversity\t training\u201d\t courses\t do\t not\t really\t seem\t to budge\t the\t biases\t of\t those\t employees\t who\t come\t to\t them\t with\t deep prejudice\t against\t one\t or\t another\t group,\t whether\t it\t be\t whites\t biased against\t blacks,\t blacks\t against\t Asians,\t or\t Asians\t resenting\t Hispanics. Indeed,\tthe\tnet\teffect\tof\tinept\tdiversity\tcourses\u2014those\tthat\traise\tfalse expectations\t by\t promising\t too\t much,\t or\t simply\t create\t an\t atmosphere of\t confrontation\t instead\t of\t understanding\u2014can\t be\t to\t heighten\t the tensions\t that\t divide\t groups\t in\t the\t workplace,\t calling\t even\t greater attention\t to\t these\t differences.\t To\t understand\t what\t can\t be\t done,\t it helps\tto\tfirst\tunderstand\tthe\tnature\tof\tprejudice\titself. The\tRoots\tof\tPrejudice Dr.\t Vamik\t Volkan\t is\t a\t psychiatrist\t at\t the\t University\t of\t Virginia\t now,","but\the\tremembers\twhat\tit\twas\tlike\tgrowing\tup\tin\ta\tTurkish\tfamily\ton the\t island\t of\t Cyprus,\t then\t bitterly\t contested\t between\t Turks\t and Greeks.\t As\t a\t boy\t Volkan\t heard\t rumors\t that\t the\t local\t Greek\t priest\u2019s cincture\t had\t a\t knot\t for\t each\t Turkish\t child\t he\t had\t strangled,\t and remembers\t the\t tone\t of\t dismay\t in\t which\t he\t was\t told\t how\t his\t Greek neighbors\tate\tpigs,\twhose\tmeat\twas\tconsidered\ttoo\tfilthy\tto\teat\tin\this own\t Turkish\t culture.\t Now,\t as\t a\t student\t of\t ethnic\t conflict,\t Volkan points\t to\t such\t childhood\t memories\t to\t show\t how\t hatreds\t between groups\t are\t kept\t alive\t over\t the\t years,\t as\t each\t new\t generation\t is steeped\tin\thostile\tbiases\tlike\tthese.9\tThe\tpsychological\tprice\tof\tloyalty to\tone\u2019s\town\tgroup\tcan\tbe\tantipathy\ttoward\tanother,\tespecially\twhen there\tis\ta\tlong\thistory\tof\tenmity\tbetween\tthe\tgroups. Prejudices\tare\ta\tkind\tof\temotional\tlearning\tthat\toccurs\tearly\tin\tlife, making\t these\t reactions\t especially\t hard\t to\t eradicate\t entirely,\t even\t in people\t who\t as\t adults\t feel\t it\t is\t wrong\t to\t hold\t them.\t \u201cThe\t emotions\t of prejudice\t are\t formed\t in\t childhood,\t while\t the\t beliefs\t that\t are\t used\t to justify\t it\t come\t later,\u201d\t explained\t Thomas\t Pettigrew,\t a\t social psychologist\t at\t the\t University\t of\t California\t at\t Santa\t Cruz,\t who\t has studied\t prejudice\t for\t decades.\t \u201cLater\t in\t life\t you\t may\t want\t to\t change your\t prejudice,\t but\t it\t is\t far\t easier\t to\t change\t your\t intellectual\t beliefs than\t your\t deep\t feelings.\t Many\t Southerners\t have\t confessed\t to\t me,\t for instance,\tthat\teven\tthough\tin\ttheir\tminds\tthey\tno\tlonger\tfeel\tprejudice against\t blacks,\t they\t feel\t squeamish\t when\t they\t shake\t hands\t with\t a black.\t The\t feelings\t are\t left\t over\t from\t what\t they\t learned\t in\t their families\tas\tchildren.\u201d10 The\t power\t of\t the\t stereotypes\t that\t buttress\t prejudice\t comes\t in\t part from\t a\t more\t neutral\t dynamic\t in\t the\t mind\t that\t makes\t stereotypes\t of all\t kinds\t self-confirming.11\t People\t remember\t more\t readily\t instances that\t support\t the\t stereotype\t while\t tending\t to\t discount\t instances\t that challenge\t it.\t On\t meeting\t at\t a\t party\t an\t emotionally\t open\t and\t warm Englishman\t who\t disconfirms\t the\t stereotype\t of\t the\t cold,\t reserved Briton,\tfor\texample,\tpeople\tcan\ttell\tthemselves\tthat\the\u2019s\tjust\tunusual, or\t\u201che\u2019s\tbeen\tdrinking.\u201d The\t tenacity\t of\t subtle\t biases\t may\t explain\t why,\t while\t over\t the\t last forty\t years\t or\t so\t racial\t attitudes\t of\t American\t whites\t toward\t blacks have\t become\t increasingly\t more\t tolerant,\t more\t subtle\t forms\t of\t bias persist:\t people\t disavow\t racist\t attitudes\t while\t still\t acting\t with\t covert bias.12\t When\t asked,\t such\t people\t say\t they\t feel\t no\t bigotry,\t but\t in ambiguous\t situations\t still\t act\t in\t a\t biased\t way\u2014though\t they\t give\t a rationale\t other\t than\t prejudice.\t Such\t bias\t can\t take\t the\t form,\t say,\t of\t a","white\t senior\t manager\u2014who\t believes\t he\t has\t no\t prejudices\u2014rejecting a\t black\t job\t applicant,\t ostensibly\t not\t because\t of\t his\t race\t but\t because his\t education\t and\t experience\t \u201care\t not\t quite\t right\u201d\t for\t the\t job,\t while hiring\ta\twhite\tapplicant\twith\tabout\tthe\tsame\tbackground.\tOr\tit\tmight take\tthe\tform\tof\tgiving\ta\tbriefing\tand\thelpful\ttips\tto\ta\twhite\tsalesman about\t to\t make\t a\t call,\t but\t somehow\t neglecting\t to\t do\t the\t same\t for\t a black\tor\tHispanic\tsalesman. Zero\tTolerance\tfor\tIntolerance If\tpeople\u2019s\tlong-held\tbiases\tcannot\tbe\tso\teasily\tweeded\tout,\twhat\tcan be\t changed\t is\t what\t they\t do\t about\t them.\t At\t Denny\u2019s,\t for\t example, waitresses\t or\t branch\t managers\t who\t took\t it\t upon\t themselves\t to discriminate\t against\t blacks\t were\t seldom,\t if\t ever,\t challenged.\t Instead, some\t managers\t seem\t to\t have\t encouraged\t them,\t at\t least\t tacitly,\t to discriminate,\teven\tsuggesting\tpolicies\tsuch\tas\tdemanding\tpayment\tfor meals\t in\t advance\t from\t black\t customers\t only,\t denying\t blacks\t widely advertised\t free\t birthday\t meals,\t or\t locking\t the\t doors\t and\t claiming\t to be\t closed\t if\t a\t group\t of\t black\t customers\t was\t coming.\t As\t John\t P. Relman,\t an\t attorney\t who\t sued\t Denny\u2019s\t on\t behalf\t of\t the\t black\t Secret Service\tagents,\tput\tit,\t\u201cDenny\u2019s\tmanagement\tclosed\ttheir\teyes\tto\twhat the\t field\t staff\t was\t doing.\t There\t must\t have\t been\t some message\t\u2026\twhich\tfreed\tup\tthe\tinhibitions\tof\tlocal\tmanagers\tto\tact\ton their\tracist\timpulses.\u201d13 But\t everything\t we\t know\t about\t the\t roots\t of\t prejudice\t and\t how\t to fight\t it\t effectively\t suggests\t that\t precisely\t this\t attitude\u2014turning\t a blind\t eye\t to\t acts\t of\t bias\u2014allows\t discrimination\t to\t thrive.\t To\t do nothing,\t in\t this\t context,\t is\t an\t act\t of\t consequence\t in\t itself,\t letting\t the virus\tof\tprejudice\tspread\tunopposed.\tMore\tto\tthe\tpoint\tthan\tdiversity training\tcourses\u2014or\tperhaps\tessential\tto\ttheir\thaving\tmuch\teffect\u2014is that\t the\t norms\t of\t a\t group\t be\t decisively\t changed\t by\t taking\t an\t active stance\t against\t any\t acts\t of\t discrimination,\t from\t the\t top\t echelons\t of management\t on\t down.\t Biases\t may\t not\t budge,\t but\t acts\t of\t prejudice can\tbe\tquashed,\tif\tthe\tclimate\tis\tchanged.\tAs\tan\tIBM\texecutive\tput\tit, \u201cWe\t don\u2019t\t tolerate\t slights\t or\t insults\t in\t any\t way;\t respect\t for\t the individual\tis\tcentral\tto\tIBM\u2019s\tculture.\u201d14 If\t research\t on\t prejudice\t has\t any\t lesson\t for\t making\t a\t corporate culture\t more\t tolerant,\t it\t is\t to\t encourage\t people\t to\t speak\t out\t against even\t low-key\t acts\t of\t discrimination\t or\t harassment\u2014offensive\t jokes, say,\t or\t the\t posting\t of\t girlie\t calendars\t demeaning\t to\t women","coworkers.\t One\t study\t found\t that\t when\t people\t in\t a\t group\t heard someone\t make\t ethnic\t slurs,\t it\t led\t others\t to\t do\t the\t same.\t The\t simple act\tof\tnaming\tbias\tas\tsuch\tor\tobjecting\tto\tit\ton\tthe\tspot\testablishes\ta social\t atmosphere\t that\t discourages\t it;\t saying\t nothing\t serves\t to condone\t it.15\t In\t this\t endeavor,\t those\t in\t positions\t of\t authority\t play\t a pivotal\t role:\t their\t failure\t to\t condemn\t acts\t of\t bias\t sends\t the\t tacit message\t that\t such\t acts\t are\t okay.\t Following\t through\t with\t action\t such as\t a\t reprimand\t sends\t a\t powerful\t message\t that\t bias\t is\t not\t trivial,\t but has\treal\u2014and\tnegative\u2014consequences. Here\t too\t the\t skills\t of\t emotional\t intelligence\t are\t an\t advantage, especially\t in\t having\t the\t social\t knack\t to\t know\t not\t just\t when\t but\t how to\t speak\t up\t productively\t against\t bias.\t Such\t feedback\t should\t be couched\t with\t all\t the\t finesse\t of\t an\t effective\t criticism,\t so\t it\t can\t be heard\t without\t defensiveness.\t If\t managers\t and\t coworkers\t do\t this naturally,\tor\tlearn\tto\tdo\tso,\tbias\tincidents\tare\tmore\tlikely\tto\tfall\taway. The\t more\t effective\t diversity\t training\t courses\t set\t a\t new, organizationwide,\t explicit\t ground\t rule\t that\t makes\t bias\t in\t any\t form out-of-bounds,\t and\t so\t encourages\t people\t who\t have\t been\t silent witnesses\t and\t bystanders\t to\t voice\t their\t discomforts\t and\t objections. Another\t active\t ingredient\t in\t diversity\t courses\t is\t perspective-taking,\t a stance\t that\t encourages\t empathy\t and\t tolerance.\t To\t the\t degree\t that people\t come\t to\t understand\t the\t pain\t of\t those\t who\t feel\t discriminated against,\tthey\tare\tmore\tlikely\tto\tspeak\tout\tagainst\tit. In\tshort,\tit\tis\tmore\tpractical\tto\ttry\tto\tsuppress\tthe\texpression\tof\tbias rather\t than\t trying\t to\t eliminate\t the\t attitude\t itself;\t stereotypes\t change very\t slowly,\t if\t at\t all.\t Simply\t putting\t people\t of\t different\t groups together\tdoes\tlittle\tor\tnothing\tto\tlower\tintolerance,\tas\twitness\tcases\tof school\t desegregation\t in\t which\t intergroup\t hostility\t rose\t rather\t than decreased.\t For\t the\t plethora\t of\t diversity\t training\t programs\t that\t are sweeping\tthrough\tthe\tcorporate\tworld,\tthis\tmeans\ta\trealistic\tgoal\tis\tto change\tthe\tnorms\tof\ta\tgroup\tfor\tshowing\tprejudice\tor\tharassing;\tsuch programs\tcan\tdo\tmuch\tto\traise\tinto\tthe\tcollective\tawareness\tthe\tidea that\t bigotry\t or\t harassment\t are\t not\t acceptable\t and\t will\t not\t be tolerated.\t But\t to\t expect\t that\t such\t a\t program\t will\t uproot\t deeply\t held prejudices\tis\tunrealistic. Still,\tsince\tprejudices\tare\ta\tvariety\tof\temotional\tlearning,\trelearning is\t possible\u2014though\t it\t takes\t time\t and\t should\t not\t be\t expected\t as\t the outcome\tof\ta\tone-time\tdiversity\ttraining\tworkshop.\tWhat\tcan\tmake\ta difference,\tthough,\tis\tsustained\tcamaraderie\tand\tdaily\tefforts\ttoward\ta common\t goal\t by\t people\t of\t different\t backgrounds.\t The\t lesson\t here\t is","from\t school\t desegregation:\t when\t groups\t fail\t to\t mix\t socially,\t instead forming\t hostile\t cliques,\t the\t negative\t stereotypes\t intensify.\t But\t when students\t have\t worked\t together\t as\t equals\t to\t attain\t a\t common\t goal,\t as on\t sports\t teams\t or\t in\t bands,\t their\t stereotypes\t break\t down\u2014as\t can happen\t naturally\t in\t the\t workplace,\t when\t people\t work\t together\t as peers\tover\tthe\tyears.16 But\t to\t stop\t at\t battling\t prejudice\t in\t the\t workplace\t is\t to\t miss\t a greater\t opportunity:\t taking\t advantage\t of\t the\t creative\t and entrepreneurial\tpossibilities\tthat\ta\tdiverse\tworkforce\tcan\toffer.\tAs\twe shall\t see,\t a\t working\t group\t of\t varied\t strengths\t and\t perspectives,\t if\t it can\toperate\tin\tharmony,\tis\tlikely\tto\tcome\tto\tbetter,\tmore\tcreative,\tand more\teffective\tsolutions\tthan\tthose\tsame\tpeople\tworking\tin\tisolation. ORGANIZATIONAL\tSAVVY\tAND\tTHE\tGROUP\tIQ By\t the\t end\t of\t the\t century,\t a\t third\t of\t the\t American\t workforce\t will\t be \u201cknowledge\tworkers,\u201d\tpeople\twhose\tproductivity\tis\tmarked\tby\tadding value\t to\t information\u2014whether\t as\t market\t analysts,\t writers,\t or computer\t programmers.\t Peter\t Drucker,\t the\t eminent\t business\t maven who\t coined\t the\t term\t \u201cknowledge\t worker,\u201d\t points\t out\t that\t such workers\u2019\t expertise\t is\t highly\t specialized,\t and\t that\t their\t productivity depends\ton\ttheir\tefforts\tbeing\tcoordinated\tas\tpart\tof\tan\torganizational team:\t writers\t are\t not\t publishers;\t computer\t programmers\t are\t not software\t distributors.\t While\t people\t have\t always\t worked\t in\t tandem, notes\t Drucker,\t with\t knowledge\t work,\t \u201cteams\t become\t the\t work\t unit rather\t than\t the\t individual\t himself.\u201d17\t And\t that\t suggests\t why emotional\t intelligence,\t the\t skills\t that\t help\t people\t harmonize,\t should become\tincreasingly\tvalued\tas\ta\tworkplace\tasset\tin\tthe\tyears\tto\tcome. Perhaps\t the\t most\t rudimentary\t form\t of\t organizational\t teamwork\t is the\t meeting,\t that\t inescapable\t part\t of\t an\t executive\u2019s\t lot\u2014in\t a boardroom,\t on\t a\t conference\t call,\t in\t someone\u2019s\t office.\t Meetings\u2014 bodies\tin\tthe\tsame\troom\u2014are\tbut\tthe\tmost\tobvious,\tand\ta\tsomewhat antiquated,\t example\t of\t the\t sense\t in\t which\t work\t is\t shared.\t Electronic networks,\t e-mail,\t teleconferences,\t work\t teams,\t informal\t networks, and\tthe\tlike\tare\temerging\tas\tnew\tfunctional\tentities\tin\torganizations. To\t the\t degree\t that\t the\t explicit\t hierarchy\t as\t mapped\t on\t an organizational\t chart\t is\t the\t skeleton\t of\t an\t organization,\t these\t human touchpoints\tare\tits\tcentral\tnervous\tsystem. Whenever\tpeople\tcome\ttogether\tto\tcollaborate,\twhether\tit\tbe\tin\tan","executive\t planning\t meeting\t or\t as\t a\t team\t working\t toward\t a\t shared product,\tthere\tis\ta\tvery\treal\tsense\tin\twhich\tthey\thave\ta\tgroup\tIQ,\tthe sum\ttotal\tof\tthe\ttalents\tand\tskills\tof\tall\tthose\tinvolved.\tAnd\thow\twell they\taccomplish\ttheir\ttask\twill\tbe\tdetermined\tby\thow\thigh\tthat\tIQ\tis. The\tsingle\tmost\timportant\telement\tin\tgroup\tintelligence,\tit\tturns\tout, is\t not\t the\t average\t IQ\t in\t the\t academic\t sense,\t but\t rather\t in\t terms\t of emotional\tintelligence.\tThe\tkey\tto\ta\thigh\tgroup\tIQ\tis\tsocial\tharmony. It\t is\t this\t ability\t to\t harmonize\t that,\t all\t other\t things\t being\t equal,\t will make\t one\t group\t especially\t talented,\t productive,\t and\t successful,\t and another\u2014with\t members\t whose\t talent\t and\t skill\t are\t equal\t in\t other regards\u2014do\tpoorly. The\tidea\tthat\tthere\tis\ta\tgroup\tintelligence\tat\tall\tcomes\tfrom\tRobert Sternberg,\t the\t Yale\t psychologist,\t and\t Wendy\t Williams,\t a\t graduate student,\t who\t were\t seeking\t to\t understand\t why\t some\t groups\t are\t far more\t effective\t than\t others.18\t After\t all,\t when\t people\t come\t together\t to work\t as\t a\t group,\t each\t brings\t certain\t talents\u2014say,\t a\t high\t verbal fluency,\tcreativity,\tempathy,\tor\ttechnical\texpertise.\tWhile\ta\tgroup\tcan be\t no\t \u201csmarter\u201d\t than\t the\t sum\t total\t of\t all\t these\t specific\t strengths,\t it can\t be\t much\t dumber\t if\t its\t internal\t workings\t don\u2019t\t allow\t people\t to share\t their\t talents.\t This\t maxim\t became\t evident\t when\t Sternberg\t and Williams\t recruited\t people\t to\t take\t part\t in\t groups\t that\t were\t given\t the creative\t challenge\t of\t coming\t up\t with\t an\t effective\t advertising campaign\t for\t a\t fictitious\t sweetener\t that\t showed\t promise\t as\t a\t sugar substitute. One\tsurprise\twas\tthat\tpeople\twho\twere\ttoo\teager\tto\ttake\tpart\twere a\t drag\t on\t the\t group,\t lowering\t its\t overall\t performance;\t these\t eager beavers\t were\t too\t controlling\t or\t domineering.\t Such\t people\t seemed\t to lack\t a\t basic\t element\t of\t social\t intelligence,\t the\t ability\t to\t recognize what\tis\tapt\tand\twhat\tinappropriate\tin\tgive-and-take.\tAnother\tnegative was\thaving\tdeadweight,\tmembers\twho\tdid\tnot\tparticipate. The\tsingle\tmost\timportant\tfactor\tin\tmaximizing\tthe\texcellence\tof\ta group\u2019s\t product\t was\t the\t degree\t to\t which\t the\t members\t were\t able\t to create\ta\tstate\tof\tinternal\tharmony,\twhich\tlets\tthem\ttake\tadvantage\tof the\t full\t talent\t of\t their\t members.\t The\t overall\t performance\t of harmonious\t groups\t was\t helped\t by\t having\t a\t member\t who\t was particularly\t talented;\t groups\t with\t more\t friction\t were\t far\t less\t able\t to capitalize\t on\t having\t members\t of\t great\t ability.\t In\t groups\t where\t there are\thigh\tlevels\tof\temotional\tand\tsocial\tstatic\u2014whether\tit\tbe\tfrom\tfear or\t anger,\t from\t rivalries\t or\t resentments\u2014people\t cannot\t offer\t their best.\t But\t harmony\t allows\t a\t group\t to\t take\t maximum\t advantage\t of\t its","most\tcreative\tand\ttalented\tmembers\u2019\tabilities. While\t the\t moral\t of\t this\t tale\t is\t quite\t clear\t for,\t say,\t work\t teams,\t it has\t a\t more\t general\t implication\t for\t anyone\t who\t works\t within\t an organization.\t Many\t things\t people\t do\t at\t work\t depend\t on\t their\t ability to\tcall\ton\ta\tloose\tnetwork\tof\tfellow\tworkers;\tdifferent\ttasks\tcan\tmean calling\ton\tdifferent\tmembers\tof\tthe\tnetwork.\tIn\teffect,\tthis\tcreates\tthe chance\tfor\tad\thoc\tgroups,\teach\twith\ta\tmembership\ttailored\tto\toffer\tan optimal\t array\t of\t talents,\t expertise,\t and\t placement.\t Just\t how\t well people\tcan\t\u201cwork\u201d\ta\tnetwork\u2014in\teffect,\tmake\tit\tinto\ta\ttemporary,\tad hoc\tteam\u2014is\ta\tcrucial\tfactor\tin\ton-the-job\tsuccess. Consider,\t for\t example,\t a\t study\t of\t star\t performers\t at\t Bell\t Labs,\t the world-famous\t scientific\t think\t tank\t near\t Princeton.\t The\t labs\t are peopled\tby\tengineers\tand\tscientists\twho\tare\tall\tat\tthe\ttop\ton\tacademic IQ\t tests.\t But\t within\t this\t pool\t of\t talent,\t some\t emerge\t as\t stars,\t while others\t are\t only\t average\t in\t their\t output.\t What\t makes\t the\t difference between\t stars\t and\t the\t others\t is\t not\t their\t academic\t IQ,\t but\t their emotional\t IQ.\t They\t are\t better\t able\t to\t motivate\t themselves,\t and\t better able\tto\twork\ttheir\tinformal\tnetworks\tinto\tad\thoc\tteams. The\t \u201cstars\u201d\t were\t studied\t in\t one\t division\t at\t the\t labs,\t a\t unit\t that creates\t and\t designs\t the\t electronic\t switches\t that\t control\t telephone systems\u2014a\t highly\t sophisticated\t and\t demanding\t piece\t of\t electronic engineering.19\t Because\t the\t work\t is\t beyond\t the\t capacity\t of\t any\t one person\t to\t tackle,\t it\t is\t done\t in\t teams\t that\t can\t range\t from\t just\t 5\t or\t so engineers\t to\t 150.\t No\t single\t engineer\t knows\t enough\t to\t do\t the\t job alone;\t getting\t things\t done\t demands\t tapping\t other\t people\u2019s\t expertise. To\tfind\tout\twhat\tmade\tthe\tdifference\tbetween\tthose\twho\twere\thighly productive\tand\tthose\twho\twere\tonly\taverage,\tRobert\tKelley\tand\tJanet Caplan\t had\t managers\t and\t peers\t nominate\t the\t 10\t to\t 15\t percent\t of engineers\twho\tstood\tout\tas\tstars. When\t they\t compared\t the\t stars\t with\t everyone\t else,\t the\t most dramatic\t finding,\t at\t first,\t was\t the\t paucity\t of\t differences\t between\t the two\tgroups.\t\u201cBased\ton\ta\twide\trange\tof\tcognitive\tand\tsocial\tmeasures, from\t standard\t tests\t for\t IQ\t to\t personality\t inventories,\t there\u2019s\t little meaningful\tdifference\tin\tinnate\tabilities,\u201d\tKelley\tand\tCaplan\twrote\tin the\t Harvard\t Business\t Review.\t \u201cAs\t it\t develops,\t academic\t talent\t was\t not a\tgood\tpredictor\tof\ton-the-job\tproductivity,\u201d\tnor\twas\tIQ. But\tafter\tdetailed\tinterviews,\tthe\tcritical\tdifferences\temerged\tin\tthe internal\t and\t interpersonal\t strategies\t \u201cstars\u201d\t used\t to\t get\t their\t work done.\t One\t of\t the\t most\t important\t turned\t out\t to\t be\t a\t rapport\t with\t a network\t of\t key\t people.\t Things\t go\t more\t smoothly\t for\t the\t standouts","because\tthey\tput\ttime\tinto\tcultivating\tgood\trelationships\twith\tpeople whose\t services\t might\t be\t needed\t in\t a\t crunch\t as\t part\t of\t an\t instant\t ad hoc\t team\t to\t solve\t a\t problem\t or\t handle\t a\t crisis.\t \u201cA\t middle\t performer at\t Bell\t Labs\t talked\t about\t being\t stumped\t by\t a\t technical\t problem,\u201d Kelley\t and\t Caplan\t observed.\t \u201cHe\t painstakingly\t called\t various technical\t gurus\t and\t then\t waited,\t wasting\t valuable\t time\t while\t calls went\t unreturned\t and\t e-mail\t messages\t unanswered.\t Star\t performers, however,\t rarely\t face\t such\t situations\t because\t they\t do\t the\t work\t of building\treliable\tnetworks\tbefore\tthey\tactually\tneed\tthem.\tWhen\tthey call\tsomeone\tfor\tadvice,\tstars\talmost\talways\tget\ta\tfaster\tanswer.\u201d Informal\tnetworks\tare\tespecially\tcritical\tfor\thandling\tunanticipated problems.\t \u201cThe\t formal\t organization\t is\t set\t up\t to\t handle\t easily anticipated\t problems,\u201d\t one\t study\t of\t these\t networks\t observes.\t \u201cBut when\t unexpected\t problems\t arise,\t the\t informal\t organization\t kicks\t in. Its\t complex\t web\t of\t social\t ties\t form\t every\t time\t colleagues communicate,\tand\tsolidify\tover\ttime\tinto\tsurprisingly\tstable\tnetworks. Highly\t adaptive,\t informal\t networks\t move\t diagonally\t and\t elliptically, skipping\tentire\tfunctions\tto\tget\tthings\tdone.\u201d20 The\t analysis\t of\t informal\t networks\t shows\t that\t just\t because\t people work\t together\t day\t to\t day\t they\t will\t not\t necessarily\t trust\t each\t other with\t sensitive\t information\t (such\t as\t a\t desire\t to\t change\t jobs,\t or resentment\t about\t how\t a\t manager\t or\t peer\t behaves),\t nor\t turn\t to\t them in\t crisis.\t Indeed,\t a\t more\t sophisticated\t view\t of\t informal\t networks shows\t that\t there\t are\t at\t least\t three\t varieties:\t communications\t webs\u2014 who\t talks\t to\t whom;\t expertise\t networks,\t based\t on\t which\t people\t are turned\t to\t for\t advice;\t and\t trust\t networks.\t Being\t a\t main\t node\t in\t the expertise\tnetwork\tmeans\tsomeone\twill\thave\ta\treputation\tfor\ttechnical excellence,\twhich\toften\tleads\tto\ta\tpromotion.\tBut\tthere\tis\tvirtually\tno relationship\t between\t being\t an\t expert\t and\t being\t seen\t as\t someone people\tcan\ttrust\twith\ttheir\tsecrets,\tdoubts,\tand\tvulnerabilities.\tA\tpetty office\t tyrant\t or\t micromanager\t may\t be\t high\t on\t expertise,\t but\t will\t be so\t low\t on\t trust\t that\t it\t will\t undermine\t their\t ability\t to\t manage,\t and effectively\t exclude\t them\t from\t informal\t networks.\t The\t stars\t of\t an organization\t are\t often\t those\t who\t have\t thick\t connections\t on\t all networks,\twhether\tcommunications,\texpertise,\tor\ttrust. Beyond\t a\t mastery\t of\t these\t essential\t networks,\t other\t forms\t of organizational\t savvy\t the\t Bell\t Labs\t stars\t had\t mastered\t included effectively\t coordinating\t their\t efforts\t in\t teamwork;\t being\t leaders\t in building\t consensus;\t being\t able\t to\t see\t things\t from\t the\t perspective\t of others,\t such\t as\t customers\t or\t others\t on\t a\t work\t team;\t persuasiveness;","and\tpromoting\tcooperation\twhile\tavoiding\tconflicts.\tWhile\tall\tof\tthese rely\t on\t social\t skills,\t the\t stars\t also\t displayed\t another\t kind\t of\t knack: taking\t initiative\u2014being\t self-motivated\t enough\t to\t take\t on responsibilities\t above\t and\t beyond\t their\t stated\t job\u2014and\t self- management\t in\t the\t sense\t of\t regulating\t their\t time\t and\t work commitments\twell.\tAll\tsuch\tskills,\tof\tcourse,\tare\taspects\tof\temotional intelligence. There\t are\t strong\t signs\t that\t what\t is\t true\t at\t Bell\t Labs\t augurs\t for\t the future\t of\t all\t corporate\t life,\t a\t tomorrow\t where\t the\t basic\t skills\t of emotional\t intelligence\t will\t be\t ever\t more\t important,\t in\t teamwork,\t in cooperation,\t in\t helping\t people\t learn\t together\t how\t to\t work\t more effectively.\t As\t knowledge-based\t services\t and\t intellectual\t capital become\tmore\tcentral\tto\tcorporations,\timproving\tthe\tway\tpeople\twork together\twill\tbe\ta\tmajor\tway\tto\tleverage\tintellectual\tcapital,\tmaking\ta critical\t competitive\t difference.\t To\t thrive,\t if\t not\t survive,\t corporations would\tdo\twell\tto\tboost\ttheir\tcollective\temotional\tintelligence.","11 Mind\tand\tMedicine \u201cWho\ttaught\tyou\tall\tthis,\tDoctor?\u201d The\treply\tcame\tpromptly: \u201cSuffering.\u201d \u2014ALBERT\tCAMUS,\tThe\tPlague A\t vague\t ache\t in\t my\t groin\t sent\t me\t to\t my\t doctor.\t Nothing\t seemed unusual\t until\t he\t looked\t at\t the\t results\t of\t a\t urine\t test.\t I\t had\t traces\t of blood\tin\tmy\turine. \u201cI\t want\t you\t to\t go\t to\t the\t hospital\t and\t get\t some\t tests\t \u2026\t kidney function,\tcytology\t\u2026,\u201d\the\tsaid\tin\ta\tbusinesslike\ttone. I\t don\u2019t\t know\t what\t he\t said\t next.\t My\t mind\t seemed\t to\t freeze\t at\t the word\tcytology.\tCancer. I\thave\ta\tfoggy\tmemory\tof\this\texplaining\tto\tme\twhen\tand\twhere\tto go\tfor\tdiagnostic\ttests.\tIt\twas\tthe\tsimplest\tinstruction,\tbut\tI\thad\tto\task him\t to\t repeat\t it\t three\t or\t four\t times.\t Cytology\u2014my\t mind\t would\t not leave\tthe\tword.\tThat\tone\tword\tmade\tme\tfeel\tas\tthough\tI\thad\tjust\tbeen mugged\tat\tmy\town\tfront\tdoor. Why\t should\t I\t have\t reacted\t so\t strongly?\t My\t doctor\t was\t just\t being thorough\t and\t competent,\t checking\t the\t limbs\t in\t a\t diagnostic\t decision tree.\tThere\twas\ta\ttiny\tlikelihood\tthat\tcancer\twas\tthe\tproblem.\tBut\tthis rational\t analysis\t was\t irrelevant\t at\t that\t moment.\t In\t the\t land\t of\t the sick,\t emotions\t reign\t supreme;\t fear\t is\t a\t thought\t away.\t We\t can\t be\t so emotionally\tfragile\twhile\twe\tare\tailing\tbecause\tour\tmental\twell-being is\tbased\tin\tpart\ton\tthe\tillusion\tof\tinvulnerability.\tSickness\u2014especially a\t severe\t illness\u2014bursts\t that\t illusion,\t attacking\t the\t premise\t that\t our private\tworld\tis\tsafe\tand\tsecure.\tSuddenly\twe\tfeel\tweak,\thelpless,\tand vulnerable. The\t problem\t is\t when\t medical\t personnel\t ignore\t how\t patients\t are reacting\temotionally,\teven\twhile\tattending\tto\ttheir\tphysical\tcondition. This\t inattention\t to\t the\t emotional\t reality\t of\t illness\t neglects\t a\t growing body\t of\t evidence\t showing\t that\t people\u2019s\t emotional\t states\t can\t play\t a sometimes\t significant\t role\t in\t their\t vulnerability\t to\t disease\t and\t in\t the","course\t of\t their\t recovery.\t Modern\t medical\t care\t too\t often\t lacks emotional\tintelligence. For\t the\t patient,\t any\t encounter\t with\t a\t nurse\t or\t physician\t can\t be\t a chance\tfor\treassuring\tinformation,\tcomfort,\tand\tsolace\u2014or,\tif\thandled unfortunately,\t an\t invitation\t to\t despair.\t But\t too\t often\t medical caregivers\t are\t rushed\t or\t indifferent\t to\t patients\u2019\t distress.\t To\t be\t sure, there\t are\t compassionate\t nurses\t and\t physicians\t who\t take\t the\t time\t to reassure\t and\t inform\t as\t well\t as\t administer\t medically.\t But\t the\t trend\t is toward\t a\t professional\t universe\t in\t which\t institutional\t imperatives\t can leave\t medical\t staff\t oblivious\t to\t the\t vulnerabilities\t of\t patients,\t or feeling\ttoo\tpressed\tto\tdo\tanything\tabout\tthem.\tWith\tthe\thard\trealities of\ta\tmedical\tsystem\tincreasingly\ttimed\tby\taccountants,\tthings\tseem\tto be\tgetting\tworse. Beyond\t the\t humanitarian\t argument\t for\t physicians\t to\t offer\t care along\t with\t cure,\t there\t are\t other\t compelling\t reasons\t to\t consider\t the psychological\t and\t social\t reality\t of\t patients\t as\t being\t within\t the medical\t realm\t rather\t than\t separate\t from\t it.\t By\t now\t a\t scientific\t case can\t be\t made\t that\t there\t is\t a\t margin\t of\t medical\t effectiveness,\t both\t in prevention\t and\t treatment,\t that\t can\t be\t gained\t by\t treating\t people\u2019s emotional\tstate\talong\twith\ttheir\tmedical\tcondition.\tNot\tin\tevery\tcase or\t every\t condition,\t of\t course.\t But\t looking\t at\t data\t from\t hundreds\t and hundreds\t of\t cases,\t there\t is\t on\t average\t enough\t increment\t of\t medical benefit\tto\tsuggest\tthat\tan\temotional\tintervention\tshould\tbe\ta\tstandard part\tof\tmedical\tcare\tfor\tthe\trange\tof\tserious\tdisease. Historically,\t medicine\t in\t modern\t society\t has\t defined\t its\t mission\t in terms\t of\t curing\t disease\u2014the\t medical\t disorder\u2014while\t overlooking illness\u2014the\t patient\u2019s\t experience\t of\t disease.\t Patients,\t by\t going\t along with\tthis\tview\tof\ttheir\tproblem,\tjoin\ta\tquiet\tconspiracy\tto\tignore\thow they\t are\t reacting\t emotionally\t to\t their\t medical\t problems\u2014or\t to dismiss\t those\t reactions\t as\t irrelevant\t to\t the\t course\t of\t the\t problem itself.\t That\t attitude\t is\t reinforced\t by\t a\t medical\t model\t that\t dismisses entirely\tthe\tidea\tthat\tmind\tinfluences\tbody\tin\tany\tconsequential\tway. Yet\tthere\tis\tan\tequally\tunproductive\tideology\tin\tthe\tother\tdirection: the\t notion\t that\t people\t can\t cure\t themselves\t of\t even\t the\t most pernicious\t disease\t simply\t by\t making\t themselves\t happy\t or\t thinking positive\t thoughts,\t or\t that\t they\t are\t somehow\t to\t blame\t for\t having gotten\t sick\t in\t the\t first\t place.\t The\t result\t of\t this\t attitude-will-cure-all rhetoric\t has\t been\t to\t create\t widespread\t confusion\t and misunderstanding\tabout\tthe\textent\tto\twhich\tillness\tcan\tbe\taffected\tby the\t mind,\t and,\t perhaps\t worse,\t sometimes\t to\t make\t people\t feel\t guilty","for\thaving\ta\tdisease,\tas\tthough\tit\twere\ta\tsign\tof\tsome\tmoral\tlapse\tor spiritual\tunworthiness. The\t truth\t lies\t somewhere\t between\t these\t extremes.\t By\t sorting through\tthe\tscientific\tdata,\tmy\taim\tis\tto\tclarify\tthe\tcontradictions\tand replace\t the\t nonsense\t with\t a\t clearer\t understanding\t of\t the\t degree\t to which\t our\t emotions\u2014and\t emotional\t intelligence\u2014play\t a\t part\t in health\tand\tdisease. THE\tBODY\u2019S\tMIND:\tHOW\tEMOTIONS\tMATTER\tFOR\tHEALTH In\t 1974\t a\t finding\t in\t a\t laboratory\t at\t the\t School\t of\t Medicine\t and Dentistry,\tUniversity\tof\tRochester,\trewrote\tbiology\u2019s\tmap\tof\tthe\tbody: Robert\tAder,\ta\tpsychologist,\tdiscovered\tthat\tthe\timmune\tsystem,\tlike the\t brain,\t could\t learn.\t His\t result\t was\t a\t shock;\t the\t prevailing\t wisdom in\t medicine\t had\t been\t that\t only\t the\t brain\t and\t central\t nervous\t system could\t respond\t to\t experience\t by\t changing\t how\t they\t behaved.\t Ader\u2019s finding\t led\t to\t the\t investigation\t of\t what\t are\t turning\t out\t to\t be\t myriad ways\t the\t central\t nervous\t system\t and\t the\t immune\t system communicate\u2014biological\t pathways\t that\t make\t the\t mind,\t the emotions,\tand\tthe\tbody\tnot\tseparate,\tbut\tintimately\tentwined. In\t his\t experiment\t white\t rats\t had\t been\t given\t a\t medication\t that artificially\t suppressed\t the\t quantity\t of\t disease-fighting\t T\t cells circulating\t in\t their\t blood.\t Each\t time\t they\t received\t the\t medication, they\tate\tit\talong\twith\tsaccharin-laced\twater.\tBut\tAder\tdiscovered\tthat giving\t the\t rats\t the\t saccharin-flavored\t water\t alone,\t without\t the suppressive\tmedication,\tstill\tresulted\tin\ta\tlowering\tof\tthe\tT-cell\tcount \u2014to\tthe\tpoint\tthat\tsome\tof\tthe\trats\twere\tgetting\tsick\tand\tdying.\tTheir immune\t system\t had\t learned\t to\t suppress\t T\t cells\t in\t response\t to\t the flavored\twater.\tThat\tjust\tshould\tnot\thave\thappened,\taccording\tto\tthe best\tscientific\tunderstanding\tat\tthe\ttime. The\t immune\t system\t is\t the\t \u201cbody\u2019s\t brain,\u201d\t as\t neuroscientist Francisco\t Varela,\t at\t Paris\u2019s\t Ecole\t Polytechnique,\t puts\t it,\t defining\t the body\u2019s\t own\t sense\t of\t self\u2014of\t what\t belongs\t within\t it\t and\t what\t does not.1\t Immune\t cells\t travel\t in\t the\t bloodstream\t throughout\t the\t entire body,\tcontacting\tvirtually\tevery\tother\tcell.\tThose\tcells\tthey\trecognize, they\t leave\t alone;\t those\t they\t fail\t to\t recognize,\t they\t attack.\t The\t attack either\t defends\t us\t against\t viruses,\t bacteria,\t and\t cancer\t or,\t if\t the immune\t cells\t misidentify\t some\t of\t the\t body\u2019s\t own\t cells,\t creates\t an autoimmune\tdisease\tsuch\tas\tallergy\tor\tlupus.\tUntil\tthe\tday\tAder\tmade","his\t serendipitous\t discovery,\t every\t anatomist,\t every\t physician,\t and every\t biologist\t believed\t that\t the\t brain\t (along\t with\t its\t extensions throughout\tthe\tbody\tvia\tthe\tcentral\tnervous\tsystem)\tand\tthe\timmune system\t were\t separate\t entities,\t neither\t able\t to\t influence\t the\t operation of\t the\t other.\t There\t was\t no\t pathway\t that\t could\t connect\t the\t brain centers\tmonitoring\twhat\tthe\trat\ttasted\twith\tthe\tareas\tof\tbone\tmarrow that\tmanufacture\tT\tcells.\tOr\tso\tit\thad\tbeen\tthought\tfor\ta\tcentury. Over\tthe\tyears\tsince\tthen,\tAder\u2019s\tmodest\tdiscovery\thas\tforced\ta\tnew look\tat\tthe\tlinks\tbetween\tthe\timmune\tsystem\tand\tthe\tcentral\tnervous system.\tThe\tfield\tthat\tstudies\tthis,\tpsychoneuroimmunology,\tor\tPNI,\tis now\t a\t leading-edge\t medical\t science.\t Its\t very\t name\t acknowledges\t the links:\tpsycho,\tor\t\u201cmind\u201d;\tneuro,\tfor\tthe\tneuroendocrine\tsystem\t(which subsumes\tthe\tnervous\tsystem\tand\thormone\tsystems);\tand\timmunology, for\tthe\timmune\tsystem. A\t network\t of\t researchers\t is\t finding\t that\t the\t chemical\t messengers that\t operate\t most\t extensively\t in\t both\t brain\t and\t immune\t system\t are those\t that\t are\t most\t dense\t in\t neural\t areas\t that\t regulate\t emotion.2 Some\tof\tthe\tstrongest\tevidence\tfor\ta\tdirect\tphysical\tpathway\tallowing emotions\tto\timpact\tthe\timmune\tsystem\thas\tcome\tfrom\tDavid\tFelten,\ta colleague\t of\t Ader\u2019s.\t Felten\t began\t by\t noting\t that\t emotions\t have\t a powerful\t effect\t on\t the\t autonomic\t nervous\t system,\t which\t regulates everything\tfrom\thow\tmuch\tinsulin\tis\tsecreted\tto\tblood-pressure\tlevels. Felten,\t working\t with\t his\t wife,\t Suzanne,\t and\t other\t colleagues,\t then detected\t a\t meeting\t point\t where\t the\t autonomic\t nervous\t system directly\t talks\t to\t lymphocytes\t and\t macrophages,\t cells\t of\t the\t immune system.3 In\t electron-microscope\t studies,\t they\t found\t synapselike\t contacts where\tthe\tnerve\tterminals\tof\tthe\tautonomic\tsystem\thave\tendings\tthat directly\t abut\t these\t immune\t cells.\t This\t physical\t contact\t point\t allows the\t nerve\t cells\t to\t release\t neurotransmitters\t to\t regulate\t the\t immune cells;\tindeed,\tthey\tsignal\tback\tand\tforth.\tThe\tfinding\tis\trevolutionary. No\tone\thad\tsuspected\tthat\timmune\tcells\tcould\tbe\ttargets\tof\tmessages from\tthe\tnerves. To\ttest\thow\timportant\tthese\tnerve\tendings\twere\tin\tthe\tworkings\tof the\t immune\t system,\t Felten\t went\t a\t step\t further.\t In\t experiments\t with animals\t he\t removed\t some\t nerves\t from\t lymph\t nodes\t and\t spleen\u2014 where\t immune\t cells\t are\t stored\t or\t made\u2014and\t then\t used\t viruses\t to challenge\t the\t immune\t system.\t The\t result:\t a\t huge\t drop\t in\t immune response\t to\t the\t virus.\t His\t conclusion\t is\t that\t without\t those\t nerve endings\t the\t immune\t system\t simply\t does\t not\t respond\t as\t it\t should\t to","the\tchallenge\tof\tan\tinvading\tvirus\tor\tbacterium.\tIn\tshort,\tthe\tnervous system\t not\t only\t connects\t to\t the\t immune\t system,\t but\t is\t essential\t for proper\timmune\tfunction. Another\t key\t pathway\t linking\t emotions\t and\t the\t immune\t system\t is via\t the\t influence\t of\t the\t hormones\t released\t under\t stress.\t The catecholamines\t (epinephrine\t and\t norepinephrine\u2014otherwise\t known as\t adrenaline\t and\t noradrenaline),\t cortisol\t and\t prolactin,\t and\t the natural\topiates\tbeta-endorphin\tand\tenkephalin\tare\tall\treleased\tduring stress\t arousal.\t Each\t has\t a\t strong\t impact\t on\t immune\t cells.\t While\t the relationships\t are\t complex,\t the\t main\t influence\t is\t that\t while\t these hormones\tsurge\tthrough\tthe\tbody,\tthe\timmune\tcells\tare\thampered\tin their\t function:\t stress\t suppresses\t immune\t resistance,\t at\t least temporarily,\t presumably\t in\t a\t conservation\t of\t energy\t that\t puts\t a priority\t on\t the\t more\t immediate\t emergency,\t which\t is\t more\t pressing for\tsurvival.\tBut\tif\tstress\tis\tconstant\tand\tintense,\tthat\tsuppression\tmay become\tlong-lasting.4 Microbiologists\tand\tother\tscientists\tare\tfinding\tmore\tand\tmore\tsuch connections\t between\t the\t brain\t and\t the\t cardiovascular\t and\t immune systems\u2014having\t first\t had\t to\t accept\t the\t once-radical\t notion\t that\t they exist\tat\tall.5 TOXIC\tEMOTIONS:\tTHE\tCLINICAL\tDATA Despite\tsuch\tevidence,\tmany\tor\tmost\tphysicians\tare\tstill\tskeptical\tthat emotions\t matter\t clinically.\t One\t reason\t is\t that\t while\t many\t studies have\t found\t stress\t and\t negative\t emotions\t to\t weaken\t the\t effectiveness of\tvarious\timmune\tcells,\tit\tis\tnot\talways\tclear\tthat\tthe\trange\tof\tthese changes\tis\tgreat\tenough\tto\tmake\ta\tmedical\tdifference. Even\tso,\tan\tincreasing\tnumber\tof\tphysicians\tacknowledge\tthe\tplace of\temotions\tin\tmedicine.\tFor\tinstance,\tDr.\tCamran\tNezhat,\tan\teminent gynecological\t laparoscopic\t surgeon\t at\t Stanford\t University,\t says,\t \u201cIf someone\t scheduled\t for\t surgery\t tells\t me\t she\u2019s\t panicked\t that\t day\t and does\t not\t want\t to\t go\t through\t with\t it,\t I\t cancel\t the\t surgery.\u201d\t Nezhat explains,\t\u201cEvery\tsurgeon\tknows\tthat\tpeople\twho\tare\textremely\tscared do\t terribly\t in\t surgery.\t They\t bleed\t too\t much,\t they\t have\t more infections\tand\tcomplications.\tThey\thave\ta\tharder\ttime\trecovering.\tIt\u2019s much\tbetter\tif\tthey\tare\tcalm.\u201d The\t reason\t is\t straightforward:\t panic\t and\t anxiety\t hike\t blood pressure,\tand\tveins\tdistended\tby\tpressure\tbleed\tmore\tprofusely\twhen","cut\t by\t the\t surgeon\u2019s\t knife.\t Excess\t bleeding\t is\t one\t of\t the\t most troublesome\t surgical\t complications,\t one\t that\t can\t sometimes\t lead\t to death. Beyond\tsuch\tmedical\tanecdotes,\tevidence\tfor\tthe\tclinical\timportance of\temotions\thas\tbeen\tmounting\tsteadily.\tPerhaps\tthe\tmost\tcompelling data\t on\t the\t medical\t significance\t of\t emotion\t come\t from\t a\t mass analysis\t combining\t results\t from\t 101\t smaller\t studies\t into\t a\t single larger\t one\t of\t several\t thousand\t men\t and\t women.\t The\t study\t confirms that\t perturbing\t emotions\t are\t bad\t for\t health\u2014to\t a\t degree.6\t People who\t experienced\t chronic\t anxiety,\t long\t periods\t of\t sadness\t and pessimism,\t unremitting\t tension\t or\t incessant\t hostility,\t relentless cynicism\t or\t suspiciousness,\t were\t found\t to\t have\t double\t the\t risk\t of disease\u2014including\t asthma,\t arthritis,\t headaches,\t peptic\t ulcers,\t and heart\t disease\t (each\t representative\t of\t major,\t broad\t categories\t of disease).\tThis\torder\tof\tmagnitude\tmakes\tdistressing\temotions\tas\ttoxic a\trisk\tfactor\tas,\tsay,\tsmoking\tor\thigh\tcholesterol\tare\tfor\theart\tdisease \u2014in\tother\twords,\ta\tmajor\tthreat\tto\thealth. To\tbe\tsure,\tthis\tis\ta\tbroad\tstatistical\tlink,\tand\tby\tno\tmeans\tindicates that\teveryone\twho\thas\tsuch\tchronic\tfeelings\twill\tthus\tmore\teasily\tfall prey\t to\t a\t disease.\t But\t the\t evidence\t for\t a\t potent\t role\t for\t emotion\t in disease\t is\t far\t more\t extensive\t than\t this\t one\t study\t of\t studies\t indicates. Taking\t a\t more\t detailed\t look\t at\t the\t data\t for\t specific\t emotions, especially\t the\t big\t three\u2014anger,\t anxiety,\t and\t depression\u2014makes clearer\t some\t specific\t ways\t that\t feelings\t have\t medical\t significance, even\tif\tthe\tbiological\tmechanisms\tby\twhich\tsuch\temotions\thave\ttheir effect\tare\tyet\tto\tbe\tfully\tunderstood.7 When\tAnger\tIs\tSuicidal A\t while\t back,\t the\t man\t said,\t a\t bump\t on\t the\t side\t of\t his\t car\t led\t to\t a\t fruitless\t and frustrating\t journey.\t After\t endless\t insurance\t company\t red\t tape\t and\t auto\t body\t shops that\tdid\tmore\tdamage,\the\tstill\towed\t$800.\tAnd\tit\twasn\u2019t\teven\this\tfault.\tHe\twas\tso\tfed up\tthat\twhenever\the\tgot\tinto\tthe\tcar\the\twas\tovercome\twith\tdisgust.\tHe\tfinally\tsold\tthe car\tin\tfrustration.\tYears\tlater\tthe\tmemories\tstill\tmade\tthe\tman\tlivid\twith\toutrage. This\t bitter\t memory\t was\t brought\t to\t mind\t purposely,\t as\t part\t of\t a study\tof\tanger\tin\theart\tpatients\tat\tStanford\tUniversity\tMedical\tSchool. All\tthe\tpatients\tin\tthe\tstudy\thad,\tlike\tthis\tembittered\tman,\tsuffered\ta first\t heart\t attack,\t and\t the\t question\t was\t whether\t anger\t might\t have\t a significant\timpact\tof\tsome\tkind\ton\ttheir\theart\tfunction.\tThe\teffect\twas","striking:\t while\t the\t patients\t recounted\t incidents\t that\t made\t them\t mad, the\t pumping\t efficiency\t of\t their\t hearts\t dropped\t by\t five\t percentage points.8\tSome\tof\tthe\tpatients\tshowed\ta\tdrop\tin\tpumping\tefficiency\tof 7\t percent\t or\t greater\u2014a\t range\t that\t cardiologists\t regard\t as\t a\t sign\t of\t a myocardial\t ischemia,\t a\t dangerous\t drop\t in\t blood\t flow\t to\t the\t heart itself. The\tdrop\tin\tpumping\tefficiency\twas\tnot\tseen\twith\tother\tdistressing feelings,\tsuch\tas\tanxiety,\tnor\tduring\tphysical\texertion;\tanger\tseems\tto be\tthe\tone\temotion\tthat\tdoes\tmost\tharm\tto\tthe\theart.\tWhile\trecalling the\t upsetting\t incident,\t the\t patients\t said\t they\t were\t only\t about\t half\t as mad\t as\t they\t had\t been\t while\t it\t was\t happening,\t suggesting\t that\t their hearts\twould\thave\tbeen\teven\tmore\tgreatly\thampered\tduring\tan\tactual angry\tencounter. This\t finding\t is\t part\t of\t a\t larger\t network\t of\t evidence\t emerging\t from dozens\tof\tstudies\tpointing\tto\tthe\tpower\tof\tanger\tto\tdamage\tthe\theart.9 The\t old\t idea\t has\t not\t held\t up\t that\t a\t hurried,\t high-pressure\t Type-A personality\t is\t at\t great\t risk\t from\t heart\t disease,\t but\t from\t that\t failed theory\t has\t emerged\t a\t new\t finding:\t it\t is\t hostility\t that\t puts\t people\t at risk. Much\t of\t the\t data\t on\t hostility\t has\t come\t from\t research\t by\t Dr. Redford\t Williams\t at\t Duke\t University.10\t For\t example,\t Williams\t found that\t those\t physicians\t who\t had\t had\t the\t highest\t scores\t on\t a\t test\t of hostility\t while\t still\t in\t medical\t school\t were\t seven\t times\t as\t likely\t to have\tdied\tby\tthe\tage\tof\tfifty\tas\twere\tthose\twith\tlow\thostility\tscores\u2014 being\t prone\t to\t anger\t was\t a\t stronger\t predictor\t of\t dying\t young\t than were\tother\trisk\tfactors\tsuch\tas\tsmoking,\thigh\tblood\tpressure,\tand\thigh cholesterol.\t And\t findings\t by\t a\t colleague,\t Dr.\t John\t Barefoot\t at\t the University\t of\t North\t Carolina,\t show\t that\t in\t heart\t patients\t undergoing angiography,\t in\t which\t a\t tube\t is\t inserted\t into\t the\t coronary\t artery\t to measure\tlesions,\tscores\ton\ta\ttest\tof\thostility\tcorrelate\twith\tthe\textent and\tseverity\tof\tcoronary\tartery\tdisease. Of\tcourse,\tno\tone\tis\tsaying\tthat\tanger\talone\tcauses\tcoronary\tartery disease;\t it\t is\t one\t of\t several\t interacting\t factors.\t As\t Peter\t Kaufman, acting\tchief\tof\tthe\tBehavioral\tMedicine\tBranch\tof\tthe\tNational\tHeart, Lung,\t and\t Blood\t Institute,\t explained\t to\t me,\t \u201cWe\t can\u2019t\t yet\t sort\t out whether\t anger\t and\t hostility\t play\t a\t causal\t role\t in\t the\t early development\t of\t coronary\t artery\t disease,\t or\t whether\t it\t intensifies\t the problem\t once\t heart\t disease\t has\t begun,\t or\t both.\t But\t take\t a\t twenty- year-old\t who\t repeatedly\t gets\t angry.\t Each\t episode\t of\t anger\t adds\t an additional\t stress\t to\t the\t heart\t by\t increasing\t his\t heart\t rate\t and\t blood","pressure.\t When\t that\t is\t repeated\t over\t and\t over\t again,\t it\t can\t do damage,\u201d\t especially\t because\t the\t turbulence\t of\t blood\t flowing\t through the\t coronary\t artery\t with\t each\t heartbeat\t \u201ccan\t cause\t microtears\t in\t the vessel,\t where\t plaque\t develops.\t If\t your\t heart\t rate\t is\t faster\t and\t blood pressure\t is\t higher\t because\t you\u2019re\t habitually\t angry,\t then\t over\t thirty years\t that\t may\t lead\t to\t a\t faster\t buildup\t of\t plaque,\t and\t so\t lead\t to coronary\tartery\tdisease.\u201d11 Once\t heart\t disease\t develops,\t the\t mechanisms\t triggered\t by\t anger affect\tthe\tvery\tefficiency\tof\tthe\theart\tas\ta\tpump,\tas\twas\tshown\tin\tthe study\t of\t angry\t memories\t in\t heart\t patients.\t The\t net\t effect\t is\t to\t make anger\tparticularly\tlethal\tin\tthose\twho\talready\thave\theart\tdisease.\tFor instance,\t a\t Stanford\t University\t Medical\t School\t study\t of\t 1,012\t men and\t women\t who\t suffered\t from\t a\t first\t heart\t attack\t and\t then\t were followed\tfor\tup\tto\teight\tyears\tshowed\tthat\tthose\tmen\twho\twere\tmost aggressive\tand\thostile\tat\tthe\toutset\tsuffered\tthe\thighest\trate\tof\tsecond heart\t attacks.12\t There\t were\t similar\t results\t in\t a\t Yale\t School\t of Medicine\tstudy\tof\t929\tmen\twho\thad\tsurvived\theart\tattacks\tand\twere tracked\t for\t up\t to\t ten\t years.13\t Those\t who\t had\t been\t rated\t as\t easily roused\t to\t anger\t were\t three\t times\t more\t likely\t to\t die\t of\t cardiac\t arrest than\t those\t who\t were\t more\t even-tempered.\t If\t they\t also\t had\t high cholesterol\tlevels,\tthe\tadded\trisk\tfrom\tanger\twas\tfive\ttimes\thigher. The\t Yale\t researchers\t point\t out\t that\t it\t may\t not\t be\t anger\t alone\t that heightens\t the\t risk\t of\t death\t from\t heart\t disease,\t but\t rather\t intense negative\temotionality\tof\tany\tkind\tthat\tregularly\tsends\tsurges\tof\tstress hormones\t through\t the\t body.\t But\t overall,\t the\t strongest\t scientific\t links between\t emotions\t and\t heart\t disease\t are\t to\t anger:\t a\t Harvard\t Medical School\t study\t asked\t more\t than\t fifteen\t hundred\t men\t and\t women\t who had\t suffered\t heart\t attacks\t to\t describe\t their\t emotional\t state\t in\t the hours\t before\t the\t attack.\t Being\t angry\t more\t than\t doubled\t the\t risk\t of cardiac\tarrest\tin\tpeople\twho\talready\thad\theart\tdisease;\tthe\theightened risk\tlasted\tfor\tabout\ttwo\thours\tafter\tthe\tanger\twas\taroused.14 These\tfindings\tdo\tnot\tmean\tthat\tpeople\tshould\ttry\tto\tsuppress\tanger when\t it\t is\t appropriate.\t Indeed,\t there\t is\t evidence\t that\t trying\t to completely\t suppress\t such\t feelings\t in\t the\t heat\t of\t the\t moment\t actually results\t in\t magnifying\t the\t body\u2019s\t agitation\t and\t may\t raise\t blood pressure.15\tOn\tthe\tother\thand,\tas\twe\tsaw\tin\tChapter\t5,\tthe\tnet\teffect of\tventilating\tanger\tevery\ttime\tit\tis\tfelt\tis\tsimply\tto\tfeed\tit,\tmaking\tit a\t more\t likely\t response\t to\t any\t annoying\t situation.\t Williams\t resolves this\t paradox\t by\t concluding\t that\t whether\t anger\t is\t expressed\t or\t not\t is less\t important\t than\t whether\t it\t is\t chronic.\t An\t occasional\t display\t of","hostility\tis\tnot\tdangerous\tto\thealth;\tthe\tproblem\tarises\twhen\thostility becomes\t so\t constant\t as\t to\t define\t an\t antagonistic\t personal\t style\u2014one marked\t by\t repeated\t feelings\t of\t mistrust\t and\t cynicism\t and\t the propensity\tto\tsnide\tcomments\tand\tput-downs,\tas\twell\tas\tmore\tobvious bouts\tof\ttemper\tand\trage.16 The\t hopeful\t news\t is\t that\t chronic\t anger\t need\t not\t be\t a\t death sentence:\t hostility\t is\t a\t habit\t that\t can\t change.\t One\t group\t of\t heart- attack\t patients\t at\t Stanford\t University\t Medical\t School\t was\t enrolled\t in a\tprogram\tdesigned\tto\thelp\tthem\tsoften\tthe\tattitudes\tthat\tgave\tthem\ta short\t temper.\t This\t anger-control\t training\t resulted\t in\t a\t second-heart- attack\t rate\t 44\t percent\t lower\t than\t for\t those\t who\t had\t not\t tried\t to change\t their\t hostility.17\t A\t program\t designed\t by\t Williams\t has\t had similar\tbeneficial\tresults.18\tLike\tthe\tStanford\tprogram,\tit\tteaches\tbasic elements\t of\t emotional\t intelligence,\t particularly\t mindfulness\t of\t anger as\t it\t begins\t to\t stir,\t the\t ability\t to\t regulate\t it\t once\t it\t has\t begun,\t and empathy.\tPatients\tare\tasked\tto\tjot\tdown\tcynical\tor\thostile\tthoughts\tas they\tnotice\tthem.\tIf\tthe\tthoughts\tpersist,\tthey\ttry\tto\tshort-circuit\tthem by\tsaying\t(or\tthinking),\t\u201cStop!\u201d\tAnd\tthey\tare\tencouraged\tto\tpurposely substitute\t reasonable\t thoughts\t for\t cynical,\t mistrustful\t ones\t during trying\tsituations\u2014for\tinstance,\tif\tan\televator\tis\tdelayed,\tto\tsearch\tfor a\t benign\t reason\t rather\t than\t harbor\t anger\t against\t some\t imagined thoughtless\t person\t who\t may\t be\t responsible\t for\t the\t delay.\t For frustrating\t encounters,\t they\t learn\t the\t ability\t to\t see\t things\t from\t the other\tperson\u2019s\tperspective\u2014empathy\tis\ta\tbalm\tfor\tanger. As\tWilliams\ttold\tme,\t\u201cThe\tantidote\tto\thostility\tis\tto\tdevelop\ta\tmore trusting\t heart.\t All\t it\t takes\t is\t the\t right\t motivation.\t When\t people\t see that\ttheir\thostility\tcan\tlead\tto\tan\tearly\tgrave,\tthey\tare\tready\tto\ttry.\u201d Stress:\tAnxiety\tOut\tof\tProportion\tand\tOut\tof\tPlace I\tjust\tfeel\tanxious\tand\ttense\tall\tthe\ttime.\tIt\tall\tstarted\tin\thigh\tschool.\tI\twas\ta\tstraight-A student,\t and\t I\t worried\t constantly\t about\t my\t grades,\t whether\t the\t other\t kids\t and\t the teachers\t liked\t me,\t being\t prompt\t for\t classes\u2014things\t like\t that.\t There\t was\t a\t lot\t of pressure\tfrom\tmy\tparents\tto\tdo\twell\tin\tschool\tand\tto\tbe\ta\tgood\trole\tmodel.\u2026\tI\tguess\tI just\t caved\t in\t to\t all\t that\t pressure,\t because\t my\t stomach\t problems\t began\t in\t my sophomore\t year\t of\t high\t school.\t Since\t that\t time,\t I\u2019ve\t had\t to\t be\t really\t careful\t about drinking\t caffeine\t and\t eating\t spicy\t meals.\t I\t notice\t that\t when\t I\u2019m\t feeling\t worried\t or tense\t my\t stomach\t will\t flare\t up,\t and\t since\t I\u2019m\t usually\t worried\t about\t something,\t I\u2019m always\tnauseous.19","Anxiety\u2014the\t distress\t evoked\t by\t life\u2019s\t pressures\u2014is\t perhaps\t the emotion\t with\t the\t greatest\t weight\t of\t scientific\t evidence\t connecting\t it to\tthe\tonset\tof\tsickness\tand\tcourse\tof\trecovery.\tWhen\tanxiety\thelps\tus prepare\t to\t deal\t with\t some\t danger\t (a\t presumed\t utility\t in\t evolution), then\tit\thas\tserved\tus\twell.\tBut\tin\tmodern\tlife\tanxiety\tis\tmore\toften\tout of\tproportion\tand\tout\tof\tplace\u2014distress\tcomes\tin\tthe\tface\tof\tsituations that\t we\t must\t live\t with\t or\t that\t are\t conjured\t by\t the\t mind,\t not\t real dangers\t we\t need\t to\t confront.\t Repeated\t bouts\t of\t anxiety\t signal\t high levels\t of\t stress.\t The\t woman\t whose\t constant\t worrying\t primes\t her gastrointestinal\t trouble\t is\t a\t textbook\t example\t of\t how\t anxiety\t and stress\texacerbate\tmedical\tproblems. In\t a\t 1993\t review\t in\t the\t Archives\t of\t Internal\t Medicine\t of\t extensive research\t on\t the\t stress-disease\t link,\t Yale\t psychologist\t Bruce\t McEwen noted\ta\tbroad\tspectrum\tof\teffects:\tcompromising\timmune\tfunction\tto the\t point\t that\t it\t can\t speed\t the\t metastasis\t of\t cancer;\t increasing vulnerability\t to\t viral\t infections;\t exacerbating\t plaque\t formation leading\t to\t atherosclerosis\t and\t blood\t clotting\t leading\t to\t myocardial infarction;\taccelerating\tthe\tonset\tof\tType\tI\tdiabetes\tand\tthe\tcourse\tof Type\t II\t diabetes;\t and\t worsening\t or\t triggering\t an\t asthma\t attack.20 Stress\t can\t also\t lead\t to\t ulceration\t of\t the\t gastrointestinal\t tract, triggering\t symptoms\t in\t ulcerative\t colitis\t and\t in\t inflammatory\t bowel disease.\t The\t brain\t itself\t is\t susceptible\t to\t the\t long-term\t effects\t of sustained\t stress,\t including\t damage\t to\t the\t hippocampus,\t and\t so\t to memory.\t In\t general,\t says\t McEwen,\t \u201cevidence\t is\t mounting\t that\t the nervous\t system\t is\t subject\t to\t \u2018wear\t and\t tear\u2019\t as\t a\t result\t of\t stressful experiences.\u201d21 Particularly\t compelling\t evidence\t for\t the\t medical\t impact\t from distress\t has\t come\t from\t studies\t with\t infectious\t diseases\t such\t as\t colds, the\t flu,\t and\t herpes.\t We\t are\t continually\t exposed\t to\t such\t viruses,\t but ordinarily\t our\t immune\t system\t fights\t them\t off\u2014except\t that\t under emotional\t stress\t those\t defenses\t more\t often\t fail.\t In\t experiments\t in which\tthe\trobustness\tof\tthe\timmune\tsystem\thas\tbeen\tassayed\tdirectly, stress\t and\t anxiety\t have\t been\t found\t to\t weaken\t it,\t but\t in\t most\t such results\t it\t is\t unclear\t whether\t the\t range\t of\t immune\t weakening\t is\t of clinical\t significance\u2014that\t is,\t great\t enough\t to\t open\t the\t way\t to disease.22\tFor\tthat\treason\tstronger\tscientific\tlinks\tof\tstress\tand\tanxiety to\t medical\t vulnerability\t come\t from\t prospective\t studies:\t those\t that start\t with\t healthy\t people\t and\t monitor\t first\t a\t heightening\t of\t distress followed\t by\t a\t weakening\t of\t the\t immune\t system\t and\t the\t onset\t of illness.","In\tone\tof\tthe\tmost\tscientifically\tcompelling\tstudies,\tSheldon\tCohen, a\t psychologist\t at\t Carnegie-Mellon\t University,\t working\t with\t scientists at\t a\t specialized\t colds\t research\t unit\t in\t Sheffield,\t England,\t carefully assessed\thow\tmuch\tstress\tpeople\twere\tfeeling\tin\ttheir\tlives,\tand\tthen systematically\texposed\tthem\tto\ta\tcold\tvirus.\tNot\teveryone\tso\texposed actually\t comes\t down\t with\t a\t cold;\t a\t robust\t immune\t system\t can\u2014and constantly\t does\u2014resist\t the\t cold\t virus.\t Cohen\t found\t that\t the\t more stress\tin\ttheir\tlives,\tthe\tmore\tlikely\tpeople\twere\tto\tcatch\tcold.\tAmong those\twith\tlittle\tstress,\t27\tpercent\tcame\tdown\twith\ta\tcold\tafter\tbeing exposed\t to\t the\t virus;\t among\t those\t with\t the\t most\t stressful\t lives,\t 47 percent\t got\t the\t cold\u2014direct\t evidence\t that\t stress\t itself\t weakens\t the immune\t system.23\t (While\t this\t may\t be\t one\t of\t those\t scientific\t results that\tconfirms\twhat\teveryone\thas\tobserved\tor\tsuspected\tall\talong,\tit\tis considered\ta\tlandmark\tfinding\tbecause\tof\tits\tscientific\trigor.) Likewise,\t married\t couples\t who\t for\t three\t months\t kept\t daily checklists\t of\t hassles\t and\t upsetting\t events\t such\t as\t marital\t fights showed\ta\tstrong\tpattern:\tthree\tor\tfour\tdays\tafter\tan\tespecially\tintense batch\t of\t upsets,\t they\t came\t down\t with\t a\t cold\t or\t upper-respiratory infection.\t That\t lag\t period\t is\t precisely\t the\t incubation\t time\t for\t many common\t cold\t viruses,\t suggesting\t that\t being\t exposed\t while\t they\t were most\tworried\tand\tupset\tmade\tthem\tespecially\tvulnerable.24 The\t same\t stress-infection\t pattern\t holds\t for\t the\t herpes\t virus\u2014both the\t type\t that\t causes\t cold\t sores\t on\t the\t lip\t and\t the\t type\t that\t causes genital\tlesions.\tOnce\tpeople\thave\tbeen\texposed\tto\tthe\therpes\tvirus,\tit stays\t latent\t in\t the\t body,\t flaring\t up\t from\t time\t to\t time.\t The\t activity\t of the\t herpes\t virus\t can\t be\t tracked\t by\t levels\t of\t antibodies\t to\t it\t in\t the blood.\t Using\t this\t measure,\t reactivation\t of\t the\t herpes\t virus\t has\t been found\t in\t medical\t students\t undergoing\t year-end\t exams,\t in\t recently separated\t women,\t and\t among\t people\t under\t constant\t pressure\t from caring\tfor\ta\tfamily\tmember\twith\tAlzheimer\u2019s\tdisease.25 The\t toll\t of\t anxiety\t is\t not\t just\t that\t it\t lowers\t the\t immune\t response; other\t research\t is\t showing\t adverse\t effects\t on\t the\t cardiovascular system.\t While\t chronic\t hostility\t and\t repeated\t episodes\t of\t anger\t seem to\tput\tmen\tat\tgreatest\trisk\tfor\theart\tdisease,\tthe\tmore\tdeadly\temotion in\twomen\tmay\tbe\tanxiety\tand\tfear.\tIn\tresearch\tat\tStanford\tUniversity School\tof\tMedicine\twith\tmore\tthan\ta\tthousand\tmen\tand\twomen\twho had\tsuffered\ta\tfirst\theart\tattack,\tthose\twomen\twho\twent\ton\tto\tsuffer\ta second\t heart\t attack\t were\t marked\t by\t high\t levels\t of\t fearfulness\t and anxiety.\t In\t many\t cases\t the\t fearfulness\t took\t the\t form\t of\t crippling phobias:\tafter\ttheir\tfirst\theart\tattack\tthe\tpatients\tstopped\tdriving,\tquit","their\tjobs,\tor\tavoided\tgoing\tout.26 The\tinsidious\tphysical\teffects\tof\tmental\tstress\tand\tanxiety\u2014the\tkind produced\tby\thigh-pressure\tjobs,\tor\thigh-pressure\tlives\tsuch\tas\tthat\tof a\tsingle\tmother\tjuggling\tday\tcare\tand\ta\tjob\u2014are\tbeing\tpinpointed\tat an\t anatomically\t fine-grained\t level.\t For\t example,\t Stephen\t Manuck,\t a University\t of\t Pittsburgh\t psychologist,\t put\t thirty\t volunteers\t through\t a rigorous,\t anxiety-riddled\t ordeal\t in\t a\t laboratory\t while\t he\t monitored the\t men\u2019s\t blood,\t assaying\t a\t substance\t secreted\t by\t blood\t platelets called\tadenosine\ttriphosphate,\tor\tATP,\twhich\tcan\ttrigger\tblood-vessel changes\t that\t may\t lead\t to\t heart\t attacks\t and\t strokes.\t While\t the volunteers\twere\tunder\tthe\tintense\tstress,\ttheir\tATP\tlevels\trose\tsharply, as\tdid\ttheir\theart\trate\tand\tblood\tpressure. Understandably,\thealth\trisks\tseem\tgreatest\tfor\tthose\twhose\tjobs\tare high\t in\t \u201cstrain\u201d:\t having\t high-pressure\t performance\t demands\t while having\t little\t or\t no\t control\t over\t how\t to\t get\t the\t job\t done\t (a predicament\t that\t gives\t bus\t drivers,\t for\t instance,\t a\t high\t rate\t of hypertension).\tFor\texample,\tin\ta\tstudy\tof\t569\tpatients\twith\tcolorectal cancer\t and\t a\t matched\t comparison\t group,\t those\t who\t said\t that\t in\t the previous\tten\tyears\tthey\thad\texperienced\tsevere\ton-the-job\taggravation were\t five\t and\t a\t half\t times\t more\t likely\t to\t have\t developed\t the\t cancer compared\tto\tthose\twith\tno\tsuch\tstress\tin\ttheir\tlives.27 Because\t the\t medical\t toll\t of\t distress\t is\t so\t broad,\t relaxation techniques\u2014which\tdirectly\tcounter\tthe\tphysiological\tarousal\tof\tstress \u2014are\tbeing\tused\tclinically\tto\tease\tthe\tsymptoms\tof\ta\twide\tvariety\tof chronic\t illnesses.\t These\t include\t cardiovascular\t disease,\t some\t types\t of diabetes,\t arthritis,\t asthma,\t gastrointestinal\t disorders,\t and\t chronic pain,\t to\t name\t a\t few.\t To\t the\t degree\t any\t symptoms\t are\t worsened\t by stress\t and\t emotional\t distress,\t helping\t patients\t become\t more\t relaxed and\t able\t to\t handle\t their\t turbulent\t feelings\t can\t often\t offer\t some reprieve.28 The\tMedical\tCosts\tof\tDepression She\t had\t been\t diagnosed\t with\t metastatic\t breast\t cancer,\t a\t return\t and\t spread\t of\t the malignancy\t several\t years\t after\t what\t she\t had\t thought\t was\t successful\t surgery\t for\t the disease.\t Her\t doctor\t could\t no\t longer\t talk\t of\t a\t cure,\t and\t the\t chemotherapy,\t at\t best, might\t offer\t just\t a\t few\t more\t months\t of\t life.\t Understandably,\t she\t was\t depressed\u2014so much\t so\t that\t whenever\t she\t went\t to\t her\t oncologist,\t she\t found\t herself\t at\t some\t point bursting\t out\t into\t tears.\t Her\t oncologist\u2019s\t response\t each\t time:\t asking\t her\t to\t leave\t the"]
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