["next\tevent,\tthe\t100-meter\tbutterfly,\tBiondi\twas\tinched\tout\tfor\tthe\tgold\tby another\tswimmer\twho\tmade\ta\tgreater\teffort\tin\tthe\tlast\tmeter. Sportscasters\tspeculated\tthat\tthe\tdefeats\twould\tdispirit\tBiondi\tin\this successive\tevents.\tBut\tBiondi\trebounded\tfrom\tdefeat\tand\ttook\ta\tgold\tmedal\tin his\tnext\tfive\tevents.\tOne\tviewer\twho\twas\tnot\tsurprised\tby\tBiondi's\tcomeback was\tMartin\tSeligman,\ta\tpsychologist\tat\tthe\tUniversity\tof\tPennsylvania,\twho\thad tested\tBiondi\tfor\toptimism\tearlier\tthat\tyear.\tIn\tan\texperiment\tdone\twith Seligman,\tthe\tswimming\tcoach\ttold\tBiondi\tduring\ta\tspecial\tevent\tmeant\tto showcase\tBiondi's\tbest\tperformance\tthat\the\thad\ta\tworse\ttime\tthan\twas\tactually the\tcase.\tDespite\tthe\tdownbeat\tfeedback,\twhen\tBiondi\twas\tasked\tto\trest\tand\ttry again,\this\tperformance\u2014actually\talready\tvery\tgood\u2014was\teven\tbetter.\tBut\twhen other\tteam\tmembers\twho\twere\tgiven\ta\tfalse\tbad\ttime\u2014and\twhose\ttest\tscores showed\tthey\twere\tpessimistic\u2014tried\tagain,\tthey\tdid\teven\tworse\tthe\tsecond time.21 Optimism,\tlike\thope,\tmeans\thaving\ta\tstrong\texpectation\tthat,\tin\tgeneral, things\twill\tturn\tout\tall\tright\tin\tlife,\tdespite\tsetbacks\tand\tfrustrations.\tFrom\tthe standpoint\tof\temotional\tintelligence,\toptimism\tis\tan\tattitude\tthat\tbuffers\tpeople against\tfalling\tinto\tapathy,\thopelessness,\tor\tdepression\tin\tthe\tface\tof\ttough going.\tAnd,\tas\twith\thope,\tits\tnear\tcousin,\toptimism\tpays\tdividends\tin\tlife (providing,\tof\tcourse,\tit\tis\ta\trealistic\toptimism;\ta\ttoo-naive\toptimism\tcan\tbe disastrous).22 Seligman\tdefines\toptimism\tin\tterms\tof\thow\tpeople\texplain\tto\tthemselves\ttheir successes\tand\tfailures.\tPeople\twho\tare\toptimistic\tsee\ta\tfailure\tas\tdue\tto something\tthat\tcan\tbe\tchanged\tso\tthat\tthey\tcan\tsucceed\tnext\ttime\taround,\twhile pessimists\ttake\tthe\tblame\tfor\tfailure,\tascribing\tit\tto\tsome\tlasting\tcharacteristic they\tare\thelpless\tto\tchange.\tThese\tdiffering\texplanations\thave\tprofound implications\tfor\thow\tpeople\trespond\tto\tlife.\tFor\texample,\tin\treaction\tto\ta disappointment\tsuch\tas\tbeing\tturned\tdown\tfor\ta\tjob,\toptimists\ttend\tto\trespond actively\tand\thopefully,\tby\tformulating\ta\tplan\tof\taction,\tsay,\tor\tseeking\tout\thelp and\tadvice;\tthey\tsee\tthe\tsetback\tas\tsomething\tthat\tcan\tbe\tremedied.\tPessimists, by\tcontrast,\treact\tto\tsuch\tsetbacks\tby\tassuming\tthere\tis\tnothing\tthey\tcan\tdo\tto make\tthings\tgo\tbetter\tthe\tnext\ttime,\tand\tso\tdo\tnothing\tabout\tthe\tproblem;\tthey see\tthe\tsetback\tas\tdue\tto\tsome\tpersonal\tdeficit\tthat\twill\talways\tplague\tthem. As\twith\thope,\toptimism\tpredicts\tacademic\tsuccess.\tIn\ta\tstudy\tof\tfive\thundred members\tof\tthe\tincoming\tfreshman\tclass\tof\t1984\tat\tthe\tUniversity\tof Pennsylvania,\tthe\tstudents'\tscores\ton\ta\ttest\tof\toptimism\twere\ta\tbetter\tpredictor of\ttheir\tactual\tgrades\tfreshman\tyear\tthan\twere\ttheir\tSAT\tscores\tor\ttheir\thigh- school\tgrades.\tSaid\tSeligman,\twho\tstudied\tthem,\t\\\"College\tentrance\texams","measure\ttalent,\twhile\texplanatory\tstyle\ttells\tyou\twho\tgives\tup.\tIt\tis\tthe combination\tof\treasonable\ttalent\tand\tthe\tability\tto\tkeep\tgoing\tin\tthe\tface\tof defeat\tthat\tleads\tto\tsuccess.\tWhat's\tmissing\tin\ttests\tof\tability\tis\tmotivation.\tWhat you\tneed\tto\tknow\tabout\tsomeone\tis\twhether\tthey\twill\tkeep\tgoing\twhen\tthings get\tfrustrating.\tMy\thunch\tis\tthat\tfor\ta\tgiven\tlevel\tof\tintelligence,\tyour\tactual achievement\tis\ta\tfunction\tnot\tjust\tof\ttalent,\tbut\talso\tof\tthe\tcapacity\tto\tstand defeat.\\\"23 One\tof\tthe\tmost\ttelling\tdemonstrations\tof\tthe\tpower\tof\toptimism\tto\tmotivate people\tis\ta\tstudy\tSeligman\tdid\tof\tinsurance\tsalesmen\twith\tthe\tMetLife company.\tBeing\table\tto\ttake\ta\trejection\twith\tgrace\tis\tessential\tin\tsales\tof\tall kinds,\tespecially\twith\ta\tproduct\tlike\tinsurance,\twhere\tthe\tratio\tof\tnoes\tto\tyeses can\tbe\tso\tdiscouragingly\thigh.\tFor\tthis\treason,\tabout\tthree\tquarters\tof\tinsurance salesmen\tquit\tin\ttheir\tfirst\tthree\tyears.\tSeligman\tfound\tthat\tnew\tsalesmen\twho were\tby\tnature\toptimists\tsold\t37\tpercent\tmore\tinsurance\tin\ttheir\tfirst\ttwo\tyears on\tthe\tjob\tthan\tdid\tpessimists.\tAnd\tduring\tthe\tfirst\tyear\tthe\tpessimists\tquit\tat twice\tthe\trate\tof\tthe\toptimists. What's\tmore,\tSeligman\tpersuaded\tMetLife\tto\thire\ta\tspecial\tgroup\tof applicants\twho\tscored\thigh\ton\ta\ttest\tfor\toptimism\tbut\tfailed\tthe\tnormal screening\ttests\t(which\tcompared\ta\trange\tof\ttheir\tattitudes\tto\ta\tstandard\tprofile based\ton\tanswers\tfrom\tagents\twho\thave\tbeen\tsuccessful).\tThis\tspecial\tgroup outsold\tthe\tpessimists\tby\t21\tpercent\tin\ttheir\tfirst\tyear,\tand\t57\tpercent\tin\tthe second. Just\twhy\toptimism\tmakes\tsuch\ta\tdifference\tin\tsales\tsuccess\tspeaks\tto\tthe sense\tin\twhich\tit\tis\tan\temotionally\tintelligent\tattitude.\tEach\tno\ta\tsalesperson gets\tis\ta\tsmall\tdefeat.\tThe\temotional\treaction\tto\tthat\tdefeat\tis\tcrucial\tto\tthe ability\tto\tmarshal\tenough\tmotivation\tto\tcontinue.\tAs\tthe\tnoes\tmount\tup,\tmorale can\tdeteriorate,\tmaking\tit\tharder\tand\tharder\tto\tpick\tup\tthe\tphone\tfor\tthe\tnext call.\tSuch\trejection\tis\tespecially\thard\tto\ttake\tfor\ta\tpessimist,\twho\tinterprets\tit\tas meaning,\t\\\"I'm\ta\tfailure\tat\tthis;\tI'll\tnever\tmake\ta\tsale\\\"\u2014an\tinterpretation\tthat\tis sure\tto\ttrigger\tapathy\tand\tdefeatism,\tif\tnot\tdepression.\tOptimists,\ton\tthe\tother hand,\ttell\tthemselves,\t\\\"I'm\tusing\tthe\twrong\tapproach,\\\"\tor\t\\\"That\tlast\tperson\twas just\tin\ta\tbad\tmood.\\\"\tBy\tseeing\tnot\tthemselves\tbut\tsomething\tin\tthe\tsituation\tas the\treason\tfor\ttheir\tfailure,\tthey\tcan\tchange\ttheir\tapproach\tin\tthe\tnext\tcall.\tWhile the\tpessimist's\tmental\tset\tleads\tto\tdespair,\tthe\toptimist's\tspawns\thope. One\tsource\tof\ta\tpositive\tor\tnegative\toutlook\tmay\twell\tbe\tinborn\ttemperament; some\tpeople\tby\tnature\ttend\tone\tway\tor\tthe\tother.\tBut\tas\twe\tshall\talso\tsee\tin Chapter\t14,\ttemperament\tcan\tbe\ttempered\tby\texperience.\tOptimism\tand\thope\u2014","like\thelplessness\tand\tdespair\u2014can\tbe\tlearned.\tUnderlying\tboth\tis\tan\toutlook psychologists\tcall\tself-efficacy,\tthe\tbelief\tthat\tone\thas\tmastery\tover\tthe\tevents\tof one's\tlife\tand\tcan\tmeet\tchallenges\tas\tthey\tcome\tup.\tDeveloping\ta\tcompetency\tof any\tkind\tstrengthens\tthe\tsense\tof\tself-efficacy,\tmaking\ta\tperson\tmore\twilling\tto take\trisks\tand\tseek\tout\tmore\tdemanding\tchallenges.\tAnd\tsurmounting\tthose challenges\tin\tturn\tincreases\tthe\tsense\tof\tself-efficacy.\tThis\tattitude\tmakes\tpeople more\tlikely\tto\tmake\tthe\tbest\tuse\tof\twhatever\tskills\tthey\tmay\thave\u2014or\tto\tdo what\tit\ttakes\tto\tdevelop\tthem. Albert\tBandura,\ta\tStanford\tpsychologist\twho\thas\tdone\tmuch\tof\tthe\tresearch on\tself-efficacy,\tsums\tit\tup\twell:\t\\\"People's\tbeliefs\tabout\ttheir\tabilities\thave\ta profound\teffect\ton\tthose\tabilities.\tAbility\tis\tnot\ta\tfixed\tproperty;\tthere\tis\ta\thuge variability\tin\thow\tyou\tperform.\tPeople\twho\thave\ta\tsense\tof\tself-efficacy\tbounce back\tfrom\tfailures;\tthey\tapproach\tthings\tin\tterms\tof\thow\tto\thandle\tthem\trather than\tworrying\tabout\twhat\tcan\tgo\twrong.\\\"24 FLOW:\tTHE\tNEUROBIOLOGY\tOF\tEXCELLENCE? A\tcomposer\tdescribes\tthose\tmoments\twhen\this\twork\tis\tat\tits\tbest: \t You\tyourself\tare\tin\tan\tecstatic\tstate\tto\tsuch\ta\tpoint\tthat\tyou\tfeel\tas\tthough you\talmost\tdon't\texist.\tI've\texperienced\tthis\ttime\tand\tagain.\tMy\thand\tseems devoid\tof\tmyself,\tand\tI\thave\tnothing\tto\tdo\twith\twhat\tis\thappening.\tI\tjust\tsit there\twatching\tin\ta\tstate\tof\tawe\tand\twonderment.\tAnd\tit\tjust\tflows\tout\tby itself.25 \t His\tdescription\tis\tremarkably\tsimilar\tto\tthose\tof\thundreds\tof\tdiverse\tmen\tand women\u2014rock\tclimbers,\tchess\tchampions,\tsurgeons,\tbasketball\tplayers, engineers,\tmanagers,\teven\tfiling\tclerks\u2014when\tthey\ttell\tof\ta\ttime\tthey\toutdid themselves\tin\tsome\tfavored\tactivity.\tThe\tstate\tthey\tdescribe\tis\tcalled\t\\\"flow\\\"\tby Mihaly\tCsikszentmihalyi,\tthe\tUniversity\tof\tChicago\tpsychologist\twho\thas collected\tsuch\taccounts\tof\tpeak\tperformance\tduring\ttwo\tdecades\tof\tresearch.26 Athletes\tknow\tthis\tstate\tof\tgrace\tas\t\\\"the\tzone,\\\"\twhere\texcellence\tbecomes effortless,\tcrowd\tand\tcompetitors\tdisappearing\tinto\ta\tblissful,\tsteady\tabsorption in\tthe\tmoment.\tDiane\tRoffe-Steinrotter,\twho\tcaptured\ta\tgold\tmedal\tin\tskiing\tat","the\t1994\tWinter\tOlympics,\tsaid\tafter\tshe\tfinished\ther\tturn\tat\tski\tracing\tthat\tshe remembered\tnothing\tabout\tit\tbut\tbeing\timmersed\tin\trelaxation:\t\\\"I\tfelt\tlike\ta waterfall.\\\"27 Being\table\tto\tenter\tflow\tis\temotional\tintelligence\tat\tits\tbest;\tflow\trepresents perhaps\tthe\tultimate\tin\tharnessing\tthe\temotions\tin\tthe\tservice\tof\tperformance and\tlearning.\tIn\tflow\tthe\temotions\tare\tnot\tjust\tcontained\tand\tchanneled,\tbut positive,\tenergized,\tand\taligned\twith\tthe\ttask\tat\thand.\tTo\tbe\tcaught\tin\tthe\tennui of\tdepression\tor\tthe\tagitation\tof\tanxiety\tis\tto\tbe\tbarred\tfrom\tflow.\tYet\tflow(or\ta milder\tmicroflow)\tis\tan\texperience\talmost\teveryone\tenters\tfrom\ttime\tto\ttime, particularly\twhen\tperforming\tat\ttheir\tpeak\tor\tstretching\tbeyond\ttheir\tformer limits.\tIt\tis\tperhaps\tbest\tcaptured\tby\tecstatic\tlovemaking,\tthe\tmerging\tof\ttwo into\ta\tfluidly\tharmonious\tone. That\texperience\tis\ta\tglorious\tone:\tthe\thallmark\tof\tflow\tis\ta\tfeeling\tof spontaneous\tjoy,\teven\trapture.\tBecause\tflow\tfeels\tso\tgood,\tit\tis\tintrinsically rewarding.\tIt\tis\ta\tstate\tin\twhich\tpeople\tbecome\tutterly\tabsorbed\tin\twhat\tthey\tare doing,\tpaying\tundivided\tattention\tto\tthe\ttask,\ttheir\tawareness\tmerged\twith\ttheir actions.\tIndeed,\tit\tinterrupts\tflow\tto\treflect\ttoo\tmuch\ton\twhat\tis\thappening\u2014the very\tthought\t\\\"I'm\tdoing\tthis\twonderfully\\\"\tcan\tbreak\tthe\tfeeling\tof\tflow. Attention\tbecomes\tso\tfocused\tthat\tpeople\tare\taware\tonly\tof\tthe\tnarrow\trange\tof perception\trelated\tto\tthe\timmediate\ttask,\tlosing\ttrack\tof\ttime\tand\tspace.\tA surgeon,\tfor\texample,\trecalled\ta\tchallenging\toperation\tduring\twhich\the\twas\tin flow;\twhen\the\tcompleted\tthe\tsurgery\the\tnoticed\tsome\trubble\ton\tthe\tfloor\tof\tthe operating\troom\tand\tasked\twhat\thad\thappened.\tHe\twas\tamazed\tto\thear\tthat\twhile he\twas\tso\tintent\ton\tthe\tsurgery\tpart\tof\tthe\tceiling\thad\tcaved\tin\u2014he\thadn't noticed\tat\tall. Flow\tis\ta\tstate\tof\tself-forgetfulness,\tthe\topposite\tof\trumination\tand\tworry: instead\tof\tbeing\tlost\tin\tnervous\tpreoccupation,\tpeople\tin\tflow\tare\tso\tabsorbed\tin the\ttask\tat\thand\tthat\tthey\tlose\tall\tself-consciousness,\tdropping\tthe\tsmall preoccupations\u2014health,\tbills,\teven\tdoing\twell\u2014of\tdaily\tlife.\tIn\tthis\tsense moments\tof\tflow\tare\tegoless.\tParadoxically,\tpeople\tin\tflow\texhibit\ta\tmasterly control\tof\twhat\tthey\tare\tdoing,\ttheir\tresponses\tperfectly\tattuned\tto\tthe\tchanging demands\tof\tthe\ttask.\tAnd\talthough\tpeople\tperform\tat\ttheir\tpeak\twhile\tin\tflow, they\tare\tunconcerned\twith\thow\tthey\tare\tdoing,\twith\tthoughts\tof\tsuccess\tor failure\u2014the\tsheer\tpleasure\tof\tthe\tact\titself\tis\twhat\tmotivates\tthem. There\tare\tseveral\tways\tto\tenter\tflow.\tOne\tis\tto\tintentionally\tfocus\ta\tsharp attention\ton\tthe\ttask\tat\thand;\ta\thighly\tconcentrated\tstate\tis\tthe\tessence\tof\tflow. There\tseems\tto\tbe\ta\tfeedback\tloop\tat\tthe\tgateway\tto\tthis\tzone:\tit\tcan\trequire considerable\teffort\tto\tget\tcalm\tand\tfocused\tenough\tto\tbegin\tthe\ttask\u2014this\tfirst","considerable\teffort\tto\tget\tcalm\tand\tfocused\tenough\tto\tbegin\tthe\ttask\u2014this\tfirst step\ttakes\tsome\tdiscipline.\tBut\tonce\tfocus\tstarts\tto\tlock\tin,\tit\ttakes\ton\ta\tforce\tof its\town,\tboth\toffering\trelief\tfrom\temotional\tturbulence\tand\tmaking\tthe\ttask effortless. Entry\tto\tthis\tzone\tcan\talso\toccur\twhen\tpeople\tfind\ta\ttask\tthey\tare\tskilled\tat, and\tengage\tin\tit\tat\ta\tlevel\tthat\tslightly\ttaxes\ttheir\tability.\tAs\tCsikszentmihalyi told\tme,\t\\\"People\tseem\tto\tconcentrate\tbest\twhen\tthe\tdemands\ton\tthem\tare\ta\tbit greater\tthan\tusual,\tand\tthey\tare\table\tto\tgive\tmore\tthan\tusual.\tIf\tthere\tis\ttoo\tlittle demand\ton\tthem,\tpeople\tare\tbored.\tIf\tthere\tis\ttoo\tmuch\tfor\tthem\tto\thandle,\tthey get\tanxious.\tFlow\toccurs\tin\tthat\tdelicate\tzone\tbetween\tboredom\tand\tanxiety.\\\"28 The\tspontaneous\tpleasure,\tgrace,\tand\teffectiveness\tthat\tcharacterize\tflow\tare incompatible\twith\temotional\thijackings,\tin\twhich\tlimbic\tsurges\tcapture\tthe\trest of\tthe\tbrain.\tThe\tquality\tof\tattention\tin\tflow\tis\trelaxed\tyet\thighly\tfocused.\tIt\tis\ta concentration\tvery\tdifferent\tfrom\tstraining\tto\tpay\tattention\twhen\twe\tare\ttired\tor bored,\tor\twhen\tour\tfocus\tis\tunder\tsiege\tfrom\tintrusive\tfeelings\tsuch\tas\tanxiety or\tanger. Flow\tis\ta\tstate\tdevoid\tof\temotional\tstatic,\tsave\tfor\ta\tcompelling,\thighly motivating\tfeeling\tof\tmild\tecstasy.\tThat\tecstasy\tseems\tto\tbe\ta\tby-product\tof\tthe attentional\tfocus\tthat\tis\ta\tprerequisite\tof\tflow.\tIndeed,\tthe\tclassic\tliterature\tof contemplative\ttraditions\tdescribes\tstates\tof\tabsorption\tthat\tare\texperienced\tas pure\tbliss:\tflow\tinduced\tby\tnothing\tmore\tthan\tintense\tconcentration. Watching\tsomeone\tin\tflow\tgives\tthe\timpression\tthat\tthe\tdifficult\tis\teasy;\tpeak performance\tappears\tnatural\tand\tordinary.\tThis\timpression\tparallels\twhat\tis going\ton\twithin\tthe\tbrain,\twhere\ta\tsimilar\tparadox\tis\trepeated:\tthe\tmost challenging\ttasks\tare\tdone\twith\ta\tminimum\texpenditure\tof\tmental\tenergy.\tIn flow\tthe\tbrain\tis\tin\ta\t\\\"cool\\\"\tstate,\tits\tarousal\tand\tinhibition\tof\tneural\tcircuitry attuned\tto\tthe\tdemand\tof\tthe\tmoment.\tWhen\tpeople\tare\tengaged\tin\tactivities\tthat effortlessly\tcapture\tand\thold\ttheir\tattention,\ttheir\tbrain\t\\\"quiets\tdown\\\"\tin\tthe sense\tthat\tthere\tis\ta\tlessening\tof\tcortical\tarousal.29\tThat\tdiscovery\tis\tremarkable, given\tthat\tflow\tallows\tpeople\tto\ttackle\tthe\tmost\tchallenging\ttasks\tin\ta\tgiven domain,\twhether\tplaying\tagainst\ta\tchess\tmaster\tor\tsolving\ta\tcomplex mathematical\tproblem.\tThe\texpectation\twould\tbe\tthat\tsuch\tchallenging\ttasks would\trequire\tmore\tcortical\tactivity,\tnot\tless.\tBut\ta\tkey\tto\tflow\tis\tthat\tit\toccurs only\twithin\treach\tof\tthe\tsummit\tof\tability,\twhere\tskills\tare\twell-rehearsed\tand neural\tcircuits\tare\tmost\tefficient. A\tstrained\tconcentration\u2014a\tfocus\tfueled\tby\tworry\u2014produces\tincreased cortical\tactivation.\tBut\tthe\tzone\tof\tflow\tand\toptimal\tperformance\tseems\tto\tbe\tan","oasis\tof\tcortical\tefficiency,\twith\ta\tbare\tminimum\tof\tmental\tenergy\texpended. That\tmakes\tsense,\tperhaps,\tin\tterms\tof\tthe\tskilled\tpractice\tthat\tallows\tpeople\tto get\tinto\tflow:\thaving\tmastered\tthe\tmoves\tof\ta\ttask,\twhether\ta\tphysical\tone\tsuch as\trock\tclimbing\tor\ta\tmental\tone\tsuch\tas\tcomputer\tprogramming,\tmeans\tthat\tthe brain\tcan\tbe\tmore\tefficient\tin\tperforming\tthem.\tWell-practiced\tmoves\trequire much\tless\tbrain\teffort\tthan\tdo\tones\tjust\tbeing\tlearned,\tor\tthose\tthat\tare\tstill\ttoo hard.\tLikewise,\twhen\tthe\tbrain\tis\tworking\tless\tefficiently\tbecause\tof\tfatigue\tor nervousness,\tas\thappens\tat\tthe\tend\tof\ta\tlong,\tstressful\tday,\tthere\tis\ta\tblurring\tof the\tprecision\tof\tcortical\teffort,\twith\ttoo\tmany\tsuperfluous\tareas\tbeing\tactivated \u2014a\tneural\tstate\texperienced\tas\tbeing\thighly\tdistracted.30\tThe\tsame\thappens\tin boredom.\tBut\twhen\tthe\tbrain\tis\toperating\tat\tpeak\tefficiency,\tas\tin\tflow,\tthere\tis a\tprecise\trelation\tbetween\tthe\tactive\tareas\tand\tthe\tdemands\tof\tthe\ttask.\tIn\tthis state\teven\thard\twork\tcan\tseem\trefreshing\tor\treplenishing\trather\tthan\tdraining. LEARNING\tAND\tFLOW:\tA\tNEW\tMODEL\tFOR\tEDUCATION Because\tflow\temerges\tin\tthe\tzone\tin\twhich\tan\tactivity\tchallenges\tpeople\tto\tthe fullest\tof\ttheir\tcapacities,\tas\ttheir\tskills\tincrease\tit\ttakes\ta\theightened\tchallenge to\tget\tinto\tflow.\tIf\ta\ttask\tis\ttoo\tsimple,\tit\tis\tboring;\tif\ttoo\tchallenging,\tthe\tresult is\tanxiety\trather\tthan\tflow.\tIt\tcan\tbe\targued\tthat\tmastery\tin\ta\tcraft\tor\tskill\tis spurred\ton\tby\tthe\texperience\tof\tflow\u2014that\tthe\tmotivation\tto\tget\tbetter\tand better\tat\tsomething,\tbe\tit\tplaying\tthe\tviolin,\tdancing,\tor\tgene-splicing,\tis\tat\tleast in\tpart\tto\tstay\tin\tflow\twhile\tdoing\tit.\tIndeed,\tin\ta\tstudy\tof\ttwo\thundred\tartists eighteen\tyears\tafter\tthey\tleft\tart\tschool,\tCsikszentmihalyi\tfound\tthat\tit\twas\tthose who\tin\ttheir\tstudent\tdays\thad\tsavored\tthe\tsheer\tjoy\tof\tpainting\titself\twho\thad become\tserious\tpainters.\tThose\twho\thad\tbeen\tmotivated\tin\tart\tschool\tby\tdreams of\tfame\tand\twealth\tfor\tthe\tmost\tpart\tdrifted\taway\tfrom\tart\tafter\tgraduating. Csikszentmihalyi\tconcludes:\t\\\"Painters\tmust\twant\tto\tpaint\tabove\tall\telse.\tIf\tthe artist\tin\tfront\tof\tthe\tcanvas\tbegins\tto\twonder\thow\tmuch\the\twill\tsell\tit\tfor,\tor what\tthe\tcritics\twill\tthink\tof\tit,\the\twon't\tbe\table\tto\tpursue\toriginal\tavenues. Creative\tachievements\tdepend\ton\tsingle-minded\timmersion.\\\"31 Just\tas\tflow\tis\ta\tprerequisite\tfor\tmastery\tin\ta\tcraft,\tprofession,\tor\tart,\tso\ttoo with\tlearning.\tStudents\twho\tget\tinto\tflow\tas\tthey\tstudy\tdo\tbetter,\tquite\tapart from\ttheir\tpotential\tas\tmeasured\tby\tachievement\ttests.\tStudents\tin\ta\tspecial Chicago\thigh\tschool\tfor\tthe\tsciences\u2014all\tof\twhom\thad\tscored\tin\tthe\ttop\t5 percent\ton\ta\ttest\tof\tmath\tproficiency\u2014were\trated\tby\ttheir\tmath\tteachers\tas\thigh or\tlow\tachievers.\tThen\tthe\tway\tthese\tstudents\tspent\ttheir\ttime\twas\tmonitored, each\tstudent\tcarrying\ta\tbeeper\tthat\tsignaled\tthem\tat\trandom\ttimes\tduring\tthe\tday","each\tstudent\tcarrying\ta\tbeeper\tthat\tsignaled\tthem\tat\trandom\ttimes\tduring\tthe\tday to\twrite\tdown\twhat\tthey\twere\tdoing\tand\twhat\ttheir\tmood\twas.\tNot\tsurprisingly, the\tlow\tachievers\tspent\tonly\tabout\tfifteen\thours\ta\tweek\tstudying\tat\thome,\tmuch less\tthan\tthe\ttwenty-seven\thours\ta\tweek\tof\thomework\tdone\tby\ttheir\thigh- achieving\tpeers.\tThe\tlow\tachievers\tspent\tmost\tof\tthe\thours\tduring\twhich\tthey were\tnot\tstudying\tin\tsocializing,\thanging\tout\twith\tfriends\tand\tfamily. When\ttheir\tmoods\twere\tanalyzed,\ta\ttelling\tfinding\temerged.\tBoth\tthe\thigh and\tlow\tachievers\tspent\ta\tgreat\tdeal\tof\ttime\tduring\tthe\tweek\tbeing\tbored\tby activities,\tsuch\tas\tTV\twatching,\tthat\tposed\tno\tchallenge\tto\ttheir\tabilities.\tSuch, after\tall,\tis\tthe\tlot\tof\tteenagers.\tBut\tthe\tkey\tdifference\twas\tin\ttheir\texperience\tof studying.\tFor\tthe\thigh\tachievers,\tstudying\tgave\tthem\tthe\tpleasing,\tabsorbing challenge\tof\tflow\t40\tpercent\tof\tthe\thours\tthey\tspent\tat\tit.\tBut\tfor\tthe\tlow achievers,\tstudying\tproduced\tflow\tonly\t16\tpercent\tof\tthe\ttime;\tmore\toften\tthan not,\tit\tyielded\tanxiety,\twith\tthe\tdemands\toutreaching\ttheir\tabilities.\tThe\tlow achievers\tfound\tpleasure\tand\tflow\tin\tsocializing,\tnot\tin\tstudying.\tIn\tshort, students\twho\tachieve\tup\tto\tthe\tlevel\tof\ttheir\tacademic\tpotential\tand\tbeyond\tare more\toften\tdrawn\tto\tstudy\tbecause\tit\tputs\tthem\tin\tflow.\tSadly,\tthe\tlow achievers,\tby\tfailing\tto\thone\tthe\tskills\tthat\twould\tget\tthem\tin\tflow,\tboth\tforfeit the\tenjoyment\tof\tstudy\tand\trun\tthe\trisk\tof\tlimiting\tthe\tlevel\tof\tintellectual\ttasks that\twill\tbe\tenjoyable\tto\tthem\tin\tthe\tfuture.32 Howard\tGardner,\tthe\tHarvard\tpsychologist\twho\tdeveloped\tthe\ttheory\tof multiple\tintelligences,\tsees\tflow,\tand\tthe\tpositive\tstates\tthat\ttypify\tit,\tas\tpart\tof the\thealthiest\tway\tto\tteach\tchildren,\tmotivating\tthem\tfrom\tinside\trather\tthan\tby threat\tor\tpromise\tof\treward.\t\\\"We\tshould\tuse\tkids'\tpositive\tstates\tto\tdraw\tthem into\tlearning\tin\tthe\tdomains\twhere\tthey\tcan\tdevelop\tcompetencies,\\\"\tGardner proposed\tto\tme.\t\\\"Flow\tis\tan\tinternal\tstate\tthat\tsignifies\ta\tkid\tis\tengaged\tin\ta\ttask that's\tright.\tYou\thave\tto\tfind\tsomething\tyou\tlike\tand\tstick\tto\tit.\tIt's\twhen\tkids get\tbored\tin\tschool\tthat\tthey\tfight\tand\tact\tup,\tand\twhen\tthey're\toverwhelmed\tby a\tchallenge\tthat\tthey\tget\tanxious\tabout\ttheir\tschoolwork.\tBut\tyou\tlearn\tat\tyour best\twhen\tyou\thave\tsomething\tyou\tcare\tabout\tand\tyou\tcan\tget\tpleasure\tfrom being\tengaged\tin.\\\" The\tstrategy\tused\tin\tmany\tof\tthe\tschools\tthat\tare\tputting\tGardner's\tmodel\tof multiple\tintelligences\tinto\tpractice\trevolves\taround\tidentifying\ta\tchild's\tprofile of\tnatural\tcompetencies\tand\tplaying\tto\tthe\tstrengths\tas\twell\tas\ttrying\tto\tshore\tup the\tweaknesses.\tA\tchild\twho\tis\tnaturally\ttalented\tin\tmusic\tor\tmovement,\tfor example,\twill\tenter\tflow\tmore\teasily\tin\tthat\tdomain\tthan\tin\tthose\twhere\tshe\tis less\table.\tKnowing\ta\tchild's\tprofile\tcan\thelp\ta\tteacher\tfine-tune\tthe\tway\ta\ttopic is\tpresented\tto\ta\tchild\tand\toffer\tlessons\tat\tthe\tlevel\u2014from\tremedial\tto\thighly advanced\u2014that\tis\tmost\tlikely\tto\tprovide\tan\toptimal\tchallenge.\tDoing\tthis\tmakes","advanced\u2014that\tis\tmost\tlikely\tto\tprovide\tan\toptimal\tchallenge.\tDoing\tthis\tmakes learning\tmore\tpleasurable,\tneither\tfearsome\tnor\ta\tbore.\t\\\"The\thope\tis\tthat\twhen kids\tgain\tflow\tfrom\tlearning,\tthey\twill\tbe\temboldened\tto\ttake\ton\tchallenges\tin new\tareas,\\\"\tsays\tGardner,\tadding\tthat\texperience\tsuggests\tthis\tis\tthe\tcase. More\tgenerally,\tthe\tflow\tmodel\tsuggests\tthat\tachieving\tmastery\tof\tany\tskill\tor body\tof\tknowledge\tshould\tideally\thappen\tnaturally,\tas\tthe\tchild\tis\tdrawn\tto\tthe areas\tthat\tspontaneously\tengage\ther\u2014that,\tin\tessence,\tshe\tloves.\tThat\tinitial passion\tcan\tbe\tthe\tseed\tfor\thigh\tlevels\tof\tattainment,\tas\tthe\tchild\tcomes\tto realize\tthat\tpursuing\tthe\tfield\u2014whether\tit\tbe\tdance,\tmath,\tor\tmusic\u2014is\ta\tsource of\tthe\tjoy\tof\tflow.\tAnd\tsince\tit\ttakes\tpushing\tthe\tlimits\tof\tone's\tability\tto\tsustain flow,\tthat\tbecomes\ta\tprime\tmotivator\tfor\tgetting\tbetter\tand\tbetter;\tit\tmakes\tthe child\thappy.\tThis,\tof\tcourse,\tis\ta\tmore\tpositive\tmodel\tof\tlearning\tand\teducation than\tmost\tof\tus\tencountered\tin\tschool.\tWho\tdoes\tnot\trecall\tschool\tat\tleast\tin\tpart as\tendless\tdreary\thours\tof\tboredom\tpunctuated\tby\tmoments\tof\thigh\tanxiety? Pursuing\tflow\tthrough\tlearning\tis\ta\tmore\thumane,\tnatural,\tand\tvery\tlikely\tmore effective\tway\tto\tmarshal\temotions\tin\tthe\tservice\tof\teducation. That\tspeaks\tto\tthe\tmore\tgeneral\tsense\tin\twhich\tchanneling\temotions\ttoward\ta productive\tend\tis\ta\tmaster\taptitude.\tWhether\tit\tbe\tin\tcontrolling\timpulse\tand putting\toff\tgratification,\tregulating\tour\tmoods\tso\tthey\tfacilitate\trather\tthan impede\tthinking,\tmotivating\tourselves\tto\tpersist\tand\ttry,\ttry\tagain\tin\tthe\tface\tof setbacks,\tor\tfinding\tways\tto\tenter\tflow\tand\tso\tperform\tmore\teffectively\u2014all bespeak\tthe\tpower\tof\temotion\tto\tguide\teffective\teffort.","8 The\tSocial\tArts \t As\tso\toften\thappens\tto\tfive-year-olds\twith\tyounger\tsiblings,\tLen\thas\tlost\tall patience\twith\tJay,\this\ttwo-and-a-half-year-old\tbrother,\twho\tis\tmaking\ta\tmess\tof the\tLego\tblocks\tthey've\tbeen\tplaying\twith.\tCarried\taway\tby\ta\twave\tof\trage,\tLen bites\tJay,\twho\tbreaks\tinto\ttears.\tTheir\tmother,\thearing\tJay's\tpained\tyelp,\tbustles over\tand\tscolds\tLen,\tordering\thim\tto\tput\taway\tthose\tobjects\tof\tcontention,\tthe Lego\tblocks.\tAt\tthis\u2014what\tsurely\tmust\tseem\ta\tgross\tmiscarriage\tof\tjustice\u2014 Len\tbursts\tout\tcrying.\tStill\tpeeved,\this\tmother\trefuses\tto\tconsole\thim. But\tLen\tis\tproffered\tcomfort\tfrom\tan\tunlikely\tsource:\tJay,\twho,\talthough\tthe original\tinjured\tparty,\tis\tnow\tso\tconcerned\tby\this\tolder\tbrother's\ttears\tthat\the undertakes\ta\tcampaign\tto\tcalm\tLen\tdown.\tThe\texchange\tgoes\tsomething\tlike this:1 \\\"Len,\tdon't,\\\"\tJay\timplores.\t\\\"Stop\tcrying,\tmate.\tStop\tit\tcrying.\\\" But\tLen\tstill\tcries.\tHis\tdirect\tplea\ta\tfailure,\tJay\tbeseeches\ttheir\tmother\ton Len's\tbehalf:\t\\\"Len\tcrying,\tMummy!\tLen\tcrying.\tLook.\tMe\tshow\tyou.\tLen crying.\\\" And\tthen,\tturning\tto\tLen,\tJay\tadopts\ta\tmothering\tmode,\tpatting\this\tweeping brother\tas\the\treassures\thim\tin\tsoothing\ttones,\t\\\"Look,\tLen.\tNo\tgo\ton\tcrying.\\\" Len's\tsobs\tcontinue,\tdespite\tthe\tcomforting.\tSo\tJay\tturns\tto\tanother\ttactic, lending\ta\thelping\thand\tin\tputting\taway\tthe\tLego\tblocks\tin\ttheir\tbag,\twith\ta friendly,\t\u201cAh,\tLeb,\tLen.\tI\tput\tit\tback\tfor\tLennie,\they?\u201d Even\tso,\tthe\ttears\tcontinue.\tThe\tever-ingenious\tJay\ttries\tyet\tanother\tstrategy, distraction.\tShowing\this\tbrother\ta\ttoy\tcar,\tJay\ttries\tto\tdraw\this\tattention\taway from\tthe\tminor\ttragedy\tthat\thas\tjust\tbefallen\thim.\t\\\"There's\tthis\tman\tin\there. What's\tthis,\tLen?\tWhat's\tthis,\tLen?\\\" Len\ttakes\tno\tinterest.\tHe's\tinconsolable;\this\ttears\tknow\tno\tend.\tLosing\ther patience\twith\thim,\this\tmother\tresorts\tto\tthat\tclassic\tparental\tthreat,\t\\\"Do\tyou want\tme\tto\tsmack\tyou?\\\"\tto\twhich\tLen\tresponds\twith\ta\twavering,\t\\\"No.\\\" \\\"Then\tjust\tstop\tit,\tplease,\\\"\tsays\this\tmother\tfirmly,\tif\ta\tbit\texasperatedly. Through\this\tsobs,\tLen\tmanages\ta\tpathetic,\tgasping,\t\\\"I'm\ttrying\tto.\\\"","Through\this\tsobs,\tLen\tmanages\ta\tpathetic,\tgasping,\t\\\"I'm\ttrying\tto.\\\" Which\tprompts\tJay's\tfinal\tstratagem:\tborrowing\this\tmother's\tfirmness\tand voice\tof\tauthority,\the\tthreatens,\t\\\"Stop\tcrying,\tLen.\tSmack\tyour\tbottom!\\\" This\tmicrodrama\treveals\tthe\tremarkable\temotional\tsophistication\tthat\ta toddler\tof\tjust\tthirty\tmonths\tcan\tbring\tto\tbear\tin\ttrying\tto\tmanage\tsomeone\telse's emotions.\tIn\this\turgent\tattempts\tto\tsoothe\this\tbrother,\tJay\tis\table\tto\tdraw\ton\ta large\trepertoire\tof\ttactics,\tranging\tfrom\ta\tsimple\tplea,\tto\tseeking\tan\tally\tin\this mother\t(no\thelp,\tshe),\tto\tphysically\tcomforting\thim,\tto\tlending\ta\thelping\thand, to\tdistraction,\tthreats,\tand\tdirect\tcommands.\tNo\tdoubt\tJay\trelies\ton\tan\tarsenal that\thas\tbeen\ttried\twith\thim\tin\this\town\tmoments\tof\tdistress.\tNo\tmatter.\tWhat counts\tis\tthat\the\tcan\treadily\tput\tthem\tto\tuse\tin\ta\tpinch\teven\tat\tthis\tvery\tyoung age. Of\tcourse,\tas\tevery\tparent\tof\tyoung\tchildren\tknows,\tJay's\tdisplay\tof\tempathy and\tsoothing\tis\tby\tno\tmeans\tuniversal.\tIt\tis\tperhaps\tas\tlikely\tthat\ta\tchild\this\tage will\tsee\ta\tsibling's\tupset\tas\ta\tchance\tfor\tvengeance,\tand\tso\tdo\twhatever\tit\ttakes to\tmake\tthe\tupset\teven\tworse.\tThe\tsame\tskills\tcan\tbe\tused\tto\ttease\tor\ttorment\ta sibling.\tBut\teven\tthat\tmean-spiritedness\tbespeaks\tthe\temergence\tof\ta\tcrucial emotional\taptitude:\tthe\tability\tto\tknow\tanother's\tfeelings\tand\tto\tact\tin\ta\tway\tthat further\tshapes\tthose\tfeelings.\tBeing\table\tto\tmanage\temotions\tin\tsomeone\telse\tis the\tcore\tof\tthe\tart\tof\thandling\trelationships. To\tmanifest\tsuch\tinterpersonal\tpower,\ttoddlers\tmust\tfirst\treach\ta\tbenchmark of\tself-control,\tthe\tbeginnings\tof\tthe\tcapacity\tto\tdamp\tdown\ttheir\town\tanger\tand distress,\ttheir\timpulses\tand\texcitement\u2014even\tif\tthat\tability\tusually\tfalters. Attunement\tto\tothers\tdemands\ta\tmodicum\tof\tcalm\tin\toneself.\tTentative\tsigns\tof this\tability\tto\tmanage\ttheir\town\temotions\temerge\taround\tthis\tsame\tperiod: toddlers\tbegin\tto\tbe\table\tto\twait\twithout\twailing,\tto\targue\tor\tcajole\tto\tget\ttheir way\trather\tthan\tusing\tbrute\tforce\u2014even\tif\tthey\tdon't\talways\tchoose\tto\tuse\tthis ability.\tPatience\temerges\tas\tan\talternative\tto\ttantrums,\tat\tleast\toccasionally.\tAnd signs\tof\tempathy\temerge\tby\tage\ttwo;\tit\twas\tJay's\tempathy,\tthe\troot\tof compassion,\tthat\tdrove\thim\tto\ttry\tso\thard\tto\tcheer\tup\this\tsobbing\tbrother,\tLen. Thus\thandling\temotions\tin\tsomeone\telse\u2014the\tfine\tart\tof\trelationships\u2014requires the\tripeness\tof\ttwo\tother\temotional\tskills,\tself-management\tand\tempathy. With\tthis\tbase,\tthe\t\\\"people\tskills\\\"\tripen.\tThese\tare\tthe\tsocial\tcompetences\tthat make\tfor\teffectiveness\tin\tdealings\twith\tothers;\tdeficits\there\tlead\tto\tineptness\tin the\tsocial\tworld\tor\trepeated\tinterpersonal\tdisasters.\tIndeed,\tit\tis\tprecisely\tthe lack\tof\tthese\tskills\tthat\tcan\tcause\teven\tthe\tintellectually\tbrightest\tto\tfounder\tin their\trelationships,\tcoming\toff\tas\tarrogant,\tobnoxious,\tor\tinsensitive.\tThese social\tabilities\tallow\tone\tto\tshape\tan\tencounter,\tto\tmobilize\tand\tinspire\tothers,","social\tabilities\tallow\tone\tto\tshape\tan\tencounter,\tto\tmobilize\tand\tinspire\tothers, to\tthrive\tin\tintimate\trelationships,\tto\tpersuade\tand\tinfluence,\tto\tput\tothers\tat ease. SHOW\tSOME\tEMOTION One\tkey\tsocial\tcompetence\tis\thow\twell\tor\tpoorly\tpeople\texpress\ttheir\town feelings.\tPaul\tEkman\tuses\tthe\tterm\tdisplay\trules\tfor\tthe\tsocial\tconsensus\tabout which\tfeelings\tcan\tbe\tproperly\tshown\twhen.\tCultures\tsometimes\tvary tremendously\tin\tthis\tregard.\tFor\texample,\tEkman\tand\tcolleagues\tin\tJapan studied\tthe\tfacial\treactions\tof\tstudents\tto\ta\thorrific\tfilm\tabout\tritual circumcisions\tof\tteenage\tAborigines.\tWhen\tthe\tJapanese\tstudents\twatched\tthe film\twith\tan\tauthority\tfigure\tpresent,\ttheir\tfaces\tshowed\tonly\tthe\tslightest\thints of\treaction.\tBut\twhen\tthey\tthought\tthey\twere\talone\t(though\tthey\twere\tbeing taped\tby\ta\tsecret\tcamera)\ttheir\tfaces\ttwisted\tinto\tvivid\tmixes\tof\tanguished distress,\tdread,\tand\tdisgust. There\tare\tseveral\tbasic\tkinds\tof\tdisplay\trules.2\tOne\tis\tminimizing\tthe\tshow\tof emotion\u2014this\tis\tthe\tJapanese\tnorm\tfor\tfeelings\tof\tdistress\tin\tthe\tpresence\tof someone\tin\tauthority,\twhich\tthe\tstudents\twere\tfollowing\twhen\tthey\tmasked\ttheir upset\twith\ta\tpoker\tface.\tAnother\tis\texaggerating\twhat\tone\tfeels\tby\tmagnifying the\temotional\texpression;\tthis\tis\tthe\tploy\tused\tby\tthe\tsix-year-old\twho dramatically\ttwists\ther\tface\tinto\ta\tpathetic\tfrown,\tlips\tquivering,\tas\tshe\truns\tto complain\tto\ther\tmother\tabout\tbeing\tteased\tby\ther\tolder\tbrother.\tA\tthird\tis substituting\tone\tfeeling\tfor\tanother;\tthis\tcomes\tinto\tplay\tin\tsome\tAsian\tcultures where\tit\tis\timpolite\tto\tsay\tno,\tand\tpositive\t(but\tfalse)\tassurances\tare\tgiven instead.\tHow\twell\tone\temploys\tthese\tstrategies,\tand\tknows\twhen\tto\tdo\tso,\tis\tone factor\tin\temotional\tintelligence. We\tlearn\tthese\tdisplay\trules\tvery\tearly,\tpartly\tby\texplicit\tinstruction.\tAn education\tin\tdisplay\trules\tis\timparted\twhen\twe\tinstruct\ta\tchild\tnot\tto\tseem disappointed,\tbut\tto\tsmile\tand\tsay\tthank\tyou\tinstead,\twhen\tGrandpa\thas\tgiven\ta dreadful\tbut\twell-meant\tbirthday\tpresent.\tThis\teducation\tin\tdisplay\trules, though,\tis\tmore\toften\tthrough\tmodeling:\tchildren\tlearn\tto\tdo\twhat\tthey\tsee\tdone. In\teducating\tthe\tsentiments,\temotions\tare\tboth\tthe\tmedium\tand\tthe\tmessage.\tIf\ta child\tis\ttold\tto\t\\\"smile\tand\tsay\tthank\tyou\\\"\tby\ta\tparent\twho\tis,\tat\tthat\tmoment, harsh,\tdemanding,\tand\tcold\u2014who\thisses\tthe\tmessage\tinstead\tof\twarmly whispering\tit\u2014the\tchild\tis\tmore\tlikely\tto\tlearn\ta\tvery\tdifferent\tlesson,\tand\tin fact\trespond\tto\tGrandpa\twith\ta\tfrown\tand\ta\tcurt,\tflat\t\\\"Thank\tyou.\\\"\tThe\teffect\ton Grandpa\tis\tvery\tdifferent:\tin\tthe\tfirst\tcase\the's\thappy\t(though\tmisled);\tin\tthe","Grandpa\tis\tvery\tdifferent:\tin\tthe\tfirst\tcase\the's\thappy\t(though\tmisled);\tin\tthe second\the's\thurt\tby\tthe\tmixed\tmessage. Emotional\tdisplays,\tof\tcourse,\thave\timmediate\tconsequences\tin\tthe\timpact they\tmake\ton\tthe\tperson\twho\treceives\tthem.\tThe\trule\tbeing\tlearned\tby\tthe\tchild is\tsomething\tlike,\t\\\"Mask\tyour\treal\tfeelings\twhen\tthey\twill\thurt\tsomeone\tyou love;\tsubstitute\ta\tphony,\tbut\tless\thurtful\tfeeling\tinstead.\\\"\tSuch\trules\tfor expressing\temotions\tare\tmore\tthan\tpart\tof\tthe\tlexicon\tof\tsocial\tpropriety;\tthey dictate\thow\tour\town\tfeelings\timpact\ton\teveryone\telse.\tTo\tfollow\tthese\trules\twell is\tto\thave\toptimal\timpact;\tto\tdo\tso\tpoorly\tis\tto\tfoment\temotional\thavoc. Actors,\tof\tcourse,\tare\tartists\tof\tthe\temotional\tdisplay;\ttheir\texpressiveness\tis what\tevokes\tresponse\tin\ttheir\taudience.\tAnd,\tno\tdoubt,\tsome\tof\tus\tcome\tinto life\tas\tnatural\tactors.\tBut\tpartly\tbecause\tthe\tlessons\twe\tlearn\tabout\tdisplay\trules vary\taccording\tto\tthe\tmodels\twe've\thad,\tpeople\tdiffer\tgreatly\tin\ttheir\tadeptness. EXPRESSIVNESS\tAND\tEMOTIONAL CONTAGION It\twas\tearly\tin\tthe\tVietnam\tWar,\tand\tan\tAmerican\tplatoon\twas\thunkered\tdown in\tsome\trice\tpaddies,\tin\tthe\theat\tof\ta\tfirefight\twith\tthe\tVietcong.\tSuddenly\ta\tline of\tsix\tmonks\tstarted\twalking\talong\tthe\televated\tberms\tthat\tseparated\tpaddy\tfrom paddy.\tPerfectly\tcalm\tand\tpoised,\tthe\tmonks\twalked\tdirectly\ttoward\tthe\tline\tof fire. \\\"They\tdidn't\tlook\tright,\tthey\tdidn't\tlook\tleft.\tThey\twalked\tstraight\tthrough,\\\" recalls\tDavid\tBusch,\tone\tof\tthe\tAmerican\tsoldiers.\t\\\"It\twas\treally\tstrange, because\tnobody\tshot\tat\t'em.\tAnd\tafter\tthey\twalked\tover\tthe\tberm,\tsuddenly\tall the\tfight\twas\tout\tof\tme.\tIt\tjust\tdidn't\tfeel\tlike\tI\twanted\tto\tdo\tthis\tanymore,\tat least\tnot\tthat\tday.\tIt\tmust\thave\tbeen\tthat\tway\tfor\teverybody,\tbecause\teverybody quit.\tWe\tjust\tstopped\tfighting.\\\"3 The\tpower\tof\tthe\tmonks'\tquietly\tcourageous\tcalm\tto\tpacify\tsoldiers\tin\tthe\theat of\tbattle\tillustrates\ta\tbasic\tprinciple\tof\tsocial\tlife:\tEmotions\tare\tcontagious.\tTo be\tsure,\tthis\ttale\tmarks\tan\textreme.\tMost\temotional\tcontagion\tis\tfar\tmore\tsubtle, part\tof\ta\ttacit\texchange\tthat\thappens\tin\tevery\tencounter.\tWe\ttransmit\tand\tcatch moods\tfrom\teach\tother\tin\twhat\tamounts\tto\ta\tsubterranean\teconomy\tof\tthe psyche\tin\twhich\tsome\tencounters\tare\ttoxic,\tsome\tnourishing.\tThis\temotional exchange\tis\ttypically\tat\ta\tsubtle,\talmost\timperceptible\tlevel;\tthe\tway\ta salesperson\tsays\tthank\tyou\tcan\tleave\tus\tfeeling\tignored,\tresented,\tor\tgenuinely","salesperson\tsays\tthank\tyou\tcan\tleave\tus\tfeeling\tignored,\tresented,\tor\tgenuinely welcomed\tand\tappreciated.\tWe\tcatch\tfeelings\tfrom\tone\tanother\tas\tthough\tthey were\tsome\tkind\tof\tsocial\tvirus. We\tsend\temotional\tsignals\tin\tevery\tencounter,\tand\tthose\tsignals\taffect\tthose we\tare\twith.\tThe\tmore\tadroit\twe\tare\tsocially,\tthe\tbetter\twe\tcontrol\tthe\tsignals we\tsend;\tthe\treserve\tof\tpolite\tsociety\tis,\tafter\tall,\tsimply\ta\tmeans\tto\tensure\tthat no\tdisturbing\temotional\tleakage\twill\tunsettle\tthe\tencounter\t(a\tsocial\trule\tthat, when\tbrought\tinto\tthe\tdomain\tof\tintimate\trelationships,\tis\tstifling).\tEmotional intelligence\tincludes\tmanaging\tthis\texchange;\t\\\"popular\\\"\tand\t\\\"charming\\\"\tare terms\twe\tuse\tfor\tpeople\twhom\twe\tlike\tto\tbe\twith\tbecause\ttheir\temotional\tskills make\tus\tfeel\tgood.\tPeople\twho\tare\table\tto\thelp\tothers\tsoothe\ttheir\tfeelings\thave an\tespecially\tvalued\tsocial\tcommodity;\tthey\tare\tthe\tsouls\tothers\tturn\tto\twhen\tin greatest\temotional\tneed.\tWe\tare\tall\tpart\tof\teach\tother's\ttool\tkit\tfor\temotional change,\tfor\tbetter\tor\tfor\tworse. Consider\ta\tremarkable\tdemonstration\tof\tthe\tsubtlety\twith\twhich\temotions pass\tfrom\tone\tperson\tto\tanother.\tIn\ta\tsimple\texperiment\ttwo\tvolunteers\tfilled out\ta\tchecklist\tabout\ttheir\tmoods\tat\tthe\tmoment,\tthen\tsimply\tsat\tfacing\teach other\tquietly\twhile\twaiting\tfor\tan\texperimenter\tto\treturn\tto\tthe\troom.\tTwo minutes\tlater\tshe\tcame\tback\tand\tasked\tthem\tto\tfill\tout\ta\tmood\tchecklist\tagain. The\tpairs\twere\tpurposely\tcomposed\tof\tone\tpartner\twho\twas\thighly\texpressive\tof emotion\tand\tone\twho\twas\tdeadpan.\tInvariably\tthe\tmood\tof\tthe\tone\twho\twas more\texpressive\tof\temotions\thad\tbeen\ttransferred\tto\tthe\tmore\tpassive\tpartner.4 How\tdoes\tthis\tmagical\ttransmission\toccur?\tThe\tmost\tlikely\tanswer\tis\tthat\twe unconsciously\timitate\tthe\temotions\twe\tsee\tdisplayed\tby\tsomeone\telse,\tthrough an\tout-of-awareness\tmotor\tmimicry\tof\ttheir\tfacial\texpression,\tgestures,\ttone\tof voice,\tand\tother\tnonverbal\tmarkers\tof\temotion.\tThrough\tthis\timitation\tpeople re-create\tin\tthemselves\tthe\tmood\tof\tthe\tother\tperson\u2014a\tlow-key\tversion\tof\tthe Stanislavsky\tmethod,\tin\twhich\tactors\trecall\tgestures,\tmovements,\tand\tother expressions\tof\tan\temotion\tthey\thave\tfelt\tstrongly\tin\tthe\tpast\tin\torder\tto\tevoke those\tfeelings\tonce\tagain. The\tday-to-day\timitation\tof\tfeeling\tis\tordinarily\tquite\tsubtle.\tUlf\tDimberg,\ta Swedish\tresearcher\tat\tthe\tUniversity\tof\tUppsala,\tfound\tthat\twhen\tpeople\tview\ta smiling\tor\tangry\tface,\ttheir\town\tfaces\tshow\tevidence\tof\tthat\tsame\tmood\tthrough slight\tchanges\tin\tthe\tfacial\tmuscles.\tThe\tchanges\tare\tevident\tthrough\telectronic sensors\tbut\tare\ttypically\tnot\tvisible\tto\tthe\tnaked\teye. When\ttwo\tpeople\tinteract,\tthe\tdirection\tof\tmood\ttransfer\tis\tfrom\tthe\tone\twho is\tmore\tforceful\tin\texpressing\tfeelings\tto\tthe\tone\twho\tis\tmore\tpassive.\tBut\tsome people\tare\tparticularly\tsusceptible\tto\temotional\tcontagion;\ttheir\tinnate sensitivity\tmakes\ttheir\tautonomic\tnervous\tsystem\t(a\tmarker\tof\temotional","sensitivity\tmakes\ttheir\tautonomic\tnervous\tsystem\t(a\tmarker\tof\temotional activity)\tmore\teasily\ttriggered.\tThis\tability\tseems\tto\tmake\tthem\tmore impressionable;\tsentimental\tcommercials\tcan\tmove\tthem\tto\ttears,\twhile\ta\tquick chat\twith\tsomeone\twho\tis\tfeeling\tcheerful\tcan\tbuoy\tthem\t(it\talso\tmay\tmake them\tmore\tempathic,\tsince\tthey\tare\tmore\treadily\tmoved\tby\tsomeone\telse's feelings). John\tCacioppo,\tthe\tsocial\tpsychophysiologist\tat\tOhio\tState\tUniversity\twho has\tstudied\tthis\tsubtle\temotional\texchange,\tobserves,\t\\\"Just\tseeing\tsomeone express\tan\temotion\tcan\tevoke\tthat\tmood,\twhether\tyou\trealize\tyou\tmimic\tthe facial\texpression\tor\tnot.\tThis\thappens\tto\tus\tall\tthe\ttime\u2014there's\ta\tdance,\ta synchrony,\ta\ttransmission\tof\temotions.\tThis\tmood\tsynchrony\tdetermines whether\tyou\tfeel\tan\tinteraction\twent\twell\tor\tnot.\\\" The\tdegree\tof\temotional\trapport\tpeople\tfeel\tin\tan\tencounter\tis\tmirrored\tby how\ttightly\torchestrated\ttheir\tphysical\tmovements\tare\tas\tthey\ttalk\u2014an\tindex\tof closeness\tthat\tis\ttypically\tout\tof\tawareness.\tOne\tperson\tnods\tjust\tas\tthe\tother makes\ta\tpoint,\tor\tboth\tshift\tin\ttheir\tchairs\tat\tthe\tsame\tmoment,\tor\tone\tleans forward\tas\tthe\tother\tmoves\tback.\tThe\torchestration\tcan\tbe\tas\tsubtle\tas\tboth people\trocking\tin\tswivel\tchairs\tat\tthe\tsame\trhythm.\tJust\tas\tDaniel\tStern\tfound\tin watching\tthe\tsynchrony\tbetween\tattuned\tmothers\tand\ttheir\tinfants,\tthe\tsame reciprocity\tlinks\tthe\tmovements\tof\tpeople\twho\tfeel\temotional\trapport. This\tsynchrony\tseems\tto\tfacilitate\tthe\tsending\tand\treceiving\tof\tmoods,\teven\tif the\tmoods\tare\tnegative.\tFor\texample,\tin\tone\tstudy\tof\tphysical\tsynchrony, women\twho\twere\tdepressed\tcame\tto\ta\tlaboratory\twith\ttheir\tromantic\tpartners, and\tdiscussed\ta\tproblem\tin\ttheir\trelationship.\tThe\tmore\tsynchrony\tbetween\tthe partners\tat\tthe\tnonverbal\tlevel,\tthe\tworse\tthe\tdepressed\twomen's\tpartners\tfelt after\tthe\tdiscussion\u2014they\thad\tcaught\ttheir\tgirlfriends'\tbad\tmoods.5\tIn\tshort, whether\tpeople\tfeel\tupbeat\tor\tdown,\tthe\tmore\tphysically\tattuned\ttheir\tencounter, the\tmore\tsimilar\ttheir\tmoods\twill\tbecome. The\tsynchrony\tbetween\tteachers\tand\tstudents\tindicates\thow\tmuch\trapport they\tfeel;\tstudies\tin\tclassrooms\tshow\tthat\tthe\tcloser\tthe\tmovement\tcoordination between\tteacher\tand\tstudent,\tthe\tmore\tthey\tfelt\tfriendly,\thappy,\tenthused, interested,\tand\teasygoing\twhile\tinteracting.\tIn\tgeneral,\ta\thigh\tlevel\tof\tsynchrony in\tan\tinteraction\tmeans\tthe\tpeople\tinvolved\tlike\teach\tother.\tFrank\tBemieri,\tthe Oregon\tState\tUniversity\tpsychologist\twho\tdid\tthese\tstudies,\ttold\tme,\t\\\"How awkward\tor\tcomfortable\tyou\tfeel\twith\tsomeone\tis\tat\tsome\tlevel\tphysical.\tYou need\tto\thave\tcompatible\ttiming,\tto\tcoordinate\tyour\tmovements,\tto\tfeel comfortable.\tSynchrony\treflects\tthe\tdepth\tof\tengagement\tbetween\tthe\tpartners; if\tyou're\thighly\tengaged,\tyour\tmoods\tbegin\tto\tmesh,\twhether\tpositive\tor","if\tyou're\thighly\tengaged,\tyour\tmoods\tbegin\tto\tmesh,\twhether\tpositive\tor negative.\\\" In\tshort,\tcoordination\tof\tmoods\tis\tthe\tessence\tof\trapport,\tthe\tadult\tversion\tof the\tattunement\ta\tmother\thas\twith\ther\tinfant.\tOne\tdeterminant\tof\tinterpersonal effectiveness,\tCacioppo\tproposes,\tis\thow\tdeftly\tpeople\tcarry\tout\tthis\temotional synchrony.\tIf\tthey\tare\tadept\tat\tattuning\tto\tpeople's\tmoods,\tor\tcan\teasily\tbring others\tunder\tthe\tsway\tof\ttheir\town,\tthen\ttheir\tinteractions\twill\tgo\tmore\tsmoothly at\tthe\temotional\tlevel.\tThe\tmark\tof\ta\tpowerful\tleader\tor\tperformer\tis\tbeing\table to\tmove\tan\taudience\tof\tthousands\tin\tthis\tway.\tBy\tthe\tsame\ttoken,\tCacioppo points\tout\tthat\tpeople\twho\tare\tpoor\tat\treceiving\tand\tsending\temotions\tare\tprone to\tproblems\tin\ttheir\trelationships,\tsince\tpeople\toften\tfeel\tuncomfortable\twith them,\teven\tif\tthey\tcan't\tarticulate\tjust\twhy\tthis\tis\tso. Setting\tthe\temotional\ttone\tof\tan\tinteraction\tis,\tin\ta\tsense,\ta\tsign\tof\tdominance at\ta\tdeep\tand\tintimate\tlevel:\tit\tmeans\tdriving\tthe\temotional\tstate\tof\tthe\tother person.\tThis\tpower\tto\tdetermine\temotion\tis\takin\tto\twhat\tis\tcalled\tin\tbiology\ta zeitgeber\t(literally,\t\\\"time-grabber\\\"),\ta\tprocess\t(such\tas\tthe\tday-night\tcycle\tor\tthe monthly\tphases\tof\tthe\tmoon)\tthat\tentrains\tbiological\trhythms.\tFor\ta\tcouple dancing,\tthe\tmusic\tis\ta\tbodily\tzeitgeber.\tWhen\tit\tcomes\tto\tpersonal\tencounters, the\tperson\twho\thas\tthe\tmore\tforceful\texpressivity\u2014or\tthe\tmost\tpower\u2014is typically\tthe\tone\twhose\temotions\tentrain\tthe\tother.\tDominant\tpartners\ttalk\tmore, while\tthe\tsubordinate\tpartner\twatches\tthe\tother's\tface\tmore\u2014a\tsetup\tfor\tthe transmission\tof\taffect.\tBy\tthe\tsame\ttoken,\tthe\tforcefulness\tof\ta\tgood\tspeaker\u2014a politician\tor\tan\tevangelist,\tsay\u2014works\tto\tentrain\tthe\temotions\tof\tthe\taudience.6 That\tis\twhat\twe\tmean\tby,\t\\\"He\thad\tthem\tin\tthe\tpalm\tof\this\thand.\\\"\tEmotional entrainment\tis\tthe\theart\tof\tinfluence. THE\tRUDIMENTS\tOF\tSOCIAL INTELLIGENCE It's\trecess\tat\ta\tpreschool,\tand\ta\tband\tof\tboys\tis\trunning\tacross\tthe\tgrass.\tReggie trips,\thurts\this\tknee,\tand\tstarts\tcrying,\tbut\tthe\tother\tboys\tkeep\tright\ton\trunning \u2014save\tfor\tRoger,\twho\tstops.\tAs\tReggie's\tsobs\tsubside\tRoger\treaches\tdown\tand rubs\this\town\tknee,\tcalling\tout,\t\\\"I\thurt\tmy\tknee,\ttoo!\\\" Roger\tis\tcited\tas\thaving\texemplary\tinterpersonal\tintelligence\tby\tThomas Hatch,\ta\tcolleague\tof\tHoward\tGardner\tat\tSpectrum,\tthe\tschool\tbased\ton\tthe concept\tof\tmultiple\tintelligences.7\tRoger,\tit\tseems,\tis\tunusually\tadept\tat","recognizing\tthe\tfeelings\tof\this\tplaymates\tand\tmaking\trapid,\tsmooth\tconnections with\tthem.\tIt\twas\tonly\tRoger\twho\tnoticed\tReggie's\tplight\tand\tpain,\tand\tonly Roger\twho\ttried\tto\tprovide\tsome\tsolace,\teven\tif\tall\the\tcould\toffer\twas\trubbing his\town\tknee.\tThis\tsmall\tgesture\tbespeaks\ta\ttalent\tfor\trapport,\tan\temotional\tskill essential\tfor\tthe\tpreservation\tof\tclose\trelationships,\twhether\tin\ta\tmarriage,\ta friendship,\tor\ta\tbusiness\tpartnership.\tSuch\tskills\tin\tpreschoolers\tare\tthe\tbuds\tof talents\tthat\tripen\tthrough\tlife. Roger's\ttalent\trepresents\tone\tof\tfour\tseparate\tabilities\tthat\tHatch\tand\tGardner identify\tas\tcomponents\tof\tinterpersonal\tintelligence: \t \u2022\tOrganizing\tgroups\t\u2014the\tessential\tskill\tof\tthe\tleader,\tthis\tinvolves\tinitiating and\tcoordinating\tthe\tefforts\tof\ta\tnetwork\tof\tpeople.\tThis\tis\tthe\ttalent\tseen\tin theater\tdirectors\tor\tproducers,\tin\tmilitary\tofficers,\tand\tin\teffective\theads\tof organizations\tand\tunits\tof\tall\tkinds.\tOn\tthe\tplayground,\tthis\tis\tthe\tchild\twho takes\tthe\tlead\tin\tdeciding\twhat\teveryone\twill\tplay,\tor\tbecomes\tteam\tcaptain. \u2022\tNegotiating\tsolutions\t\u2014the\ttalent\tof\tthe\tmediator,\tpreventing\tconflicts\tor resolving\tthose\tthat\tflare\tup.\tPeople\twho\thave\tthis\tability\texcel\tin\tdeal-making, in\tarbitrating\tor\tmediating\tdisputes;\tthey\tmight\thave\ta\tcareer\tin\tdiplomacy,\tin arbitration\tor\tlaw,\tor\tas\tmiddlemen\tor\tmanagers\tof\ttakeovers.\tThese\tare\tthe\tkids who\tsettle\targuments\ton\tthe\tplaying\tfield. \u2022\tPersonal\tconnection\t\u2014Roger's\ttalent,\tthat\tof\tempathy\tand\tconnecting.\tThis makes\tit\teasy\tto\tenter\tinto\tan\tencounter\tor\tto\trecognize\tand\trespond\tfittingly\tto people's\tfeelings\tand\tconcerns\u2014the\tart\tof\trelationship.\tSuch\tpeople\tmake\tgood \\\"team\tplayers,\\\"\tdependable\tspouses,\tgood\tfriends\tor\tbusiness\tpartners;\tin\tthe business\tworld\tthey\tdo\twell\tas\tsalespeople\tor\tmanagers,\tor\tcan\tbe\texcellent teachers.\tChildren\tlike\tRoger\tget\talong\twell\twith\tvirtually\teveryone\telse,\teasily enter\tinto\tplaying\twith\tthem,\tand\tare\thappy\tdoing\tso.\tThese\tchildren\ttend\tto\tbe best\tat\treading\temotions\tfrom\tfacial\texpressions\tand\tare\tmost\tliked\tby\ttheir classmates. \u2022\tSocial\tanalysis\t\u2014being\table\tto\tdetect\tand\thave\tinsights\tabout\tpeople's feelings,\tmotives,\tand\tconcerns.\tThis\tknowledge\tof\thow\tothers\tfeel\tcan\tlead\tto an\teasy\tintimacy\tor\tsense\tof\trapport.\tAt\tits\tbest,\tthis\tability\tmakes\tone\ta competent\ttherapist\tor\tcounselor\u2014or,\tif\tcombined\twith\tsome\tliterary\ttalent,\ta gifted\tnovelist\tor\tdramatist.","Taken\ttogether,\tthese\tskills\tare\tthe\tstuff\tof\tinterpersonal\tpolish,\tthe\tnecessary ingredients\tfor\tcharm,\tsocial\tsuccess,\teven\tcharisma.\tThose\twho\tare\tadept\tin social\tintelligence\tcan\tconnect\twith\tpeople\tquite\tsmoothly,\tbe\tastute\tin\treading their\treactions\tand\tfeelings,\tlead\tand\torganize,\tand\thandle\tthe\tdisputes\tthat\tare bound\tto\tflare\tup\tin\tany\thuman\tactivity.\tThey\tare\tthe\tnatural\tleaders,\tthe\tpeople who\tcan\texpress\tthe\tunspoken\tcollective\tsentiment\tand\tarticulate\tit\tso\tas\tto guide\ta\tgroup\ttoward\tits\tgoals.\tThey\tare\tthe\tkind\tof\tpeople\tothers\tlike\tto\tbe\twith because\tthey\tare\temotionally\tnourishing\u2014they\tleave\tother\tpeople\tin\ta\tgood mood,\tand\tevoke\tthe\tcomment,\t\\\"What\ta\tpleasure\tto\tbe\taround\tsomeone\tlike that.\\\" These\tinterpersonal\tabilities\tbuild\ton\tother\temotional\tintelligences.\tPeople who\tmake\tan\texcellent\tsocial\timpression,\tfor\texample,\tare\tadept\tat\tmonitoring their\town\texpression\tof\temotion,\tare\tkeenly\tattuned\tto\tthe\tways\tothers\tare reacting,\tand\tso\tare\table\tto\tcontinually\tfine-tune\ttheir\tsocial\tperformance, adjusting\tit\tto\tmake\tsure\tthey\tare\thaving\tthe\tdesired\teffect.\tIn\tthat\tsense,\tthey are\tlike\tskilled\tactors. However,\tif\tthese\tinterpersonal\tabilities\tare\tnot\tbalanced\tby\tan\tastute\tsense\tof one's\town\tneeds\tand\tfeelings\tand\thow\tto\tfulfill\tthem,\tthey\tcan\tlead\tto\ta\thollow social\tsuccess\u2014a\tpopularity\twon\tat\tthe\tcost\tof\tone's\ttrue\tsatisfaction.\tSuch\tis\tthe argument\tof\tMark\tSnyder,\ta\tUniversity\tof\tMinnesota\tpsychologist\twho\thas studied\tpeople\twhose\tsocial\tskills\tmake\tthem\tfirst-rate\tsocial\tchameleons, champions\tat\tmaking\ta\tgood\timpression.8\tTheir\tpsychological\tcredo\tmight\twell be\ta\tremark\tby\tW.\tH.\tAuden,\twho\tsaid\tthat\this\tprivate\timage\tof\thimself\t\\\"is\tvery different\tfrom\tthe\timage\twhich\tI\ttry\tto\tcreate\tin\tthe\tminds\tof\tothers\tin\torder\tthat they\tmay\tlove\tme.\\\"\tThat\ttrade-off\tcan\tbe\tmade\tif\tsocial\tskills\toutstrip\tthe\tability to\tknow\tand\thonor\tone's\town\tfeelings:\tin\torder\tto\tbe\tloved\u2014or\tat\tleast\tliked\u2014 the\tsocial\tchameleon\twill\tseem\tto\tbe\twhatever\tthose\the\tis\twith\tseem\tto\twant. The\tsign\tthat\tsomeone\tfalls\tinto\tthis\tpattern,\tSnyder\tfinds,\tis\tthat\tthey\tmake\tan excellent\timpression,\tyet\thave\tfew\tstable\tor\tsatisfying\tintimate\trelationships.\tA more\thealthy\tpattern,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tto\tbalance\tbeing\ttrue\tto\toneself\twith\tsocial skills,\tusing\tthem\twith\tintegrity. Social\tchameleons,\tthough,\tdon't\tmind\tin\tthe\tleast\tsaying\tone\tthing\tand\tdoing another,\tif\tthat\twill\twin\tthem\tsocial\tapproval.\tThey\tsimply\tlive\twith\tthe discrepancy\tbetween\ttheir\tpublic\tface\tand\ttheir\tprivate\treality.\tHelena\tDeutsch, a\tpsychoanalyst,\tcalled\tsuch\tpeople\tthe\t\\\"as-if\tpersonality,\\\"\tshifting\tpersonas with\tremarkable\tplasticity\tas\tthey\tpick\tup\tsignals\tfrom\tthose\taround\tthem.\t\\\"For some\tpeople,\\\"\tSnyder\ttold\tme,\t\\\"the\tpublic\tand\tprivate\tperson\tmeshes\twell,\twhile for\tothers\tthere\tseems\tto\tbe\tonly\ta\tkaleidoscope\tof\tchanging\tappearances.\tThey","for\tothers\tthere\tseems\tto\tbe\tonly\ta\tkaleidoscope\tof\tchanging\tappearances.\tThey are\tlike\tWoody\tAllen's\tcharacter\tZelig,\tmadly\ttrying\tto\tfit\tin\twith\twhomever they\tare\twith.\\\" Such\tpeople\ttry\tto\tscan\tsomeone\tfor\ta\thint\tas\tto\twhat\tis\twanted\tfrom\tthem before\tthey\tmake\ta\tresponse,\trather\tthan\tsimply\tsaying\twhat\tthey\ttruly\tfeel.\tTo get\talong\tand\tbe\tliked,\tthey\tare\twilling\tto\tmake\tpeople\tthey\tdislike\tthink\tthey are\tfriendly\twith\tthem.\tAnd\tthey\tuse\ttheir\tsocial\tabilities\tto\tmold\ttheir\tactions\tas disparate\tsocial\tsituations\tdemand,\tso\tthat\tthey\tmay\tact\tlike\tvery\tdifferent people\tdepending\ton\twhom\tthey\tare\twith,\tswinging\tfrom\tbubbly\tsociability,\tsay, to\treserved\twithdrawal.\tTo\tbe\tsure,\tto\tthe\textent\tthat\tthese\ttraits\tlead\tto\teffective impression\tmanagement,\tthey\tare\thighly\tprized\tin\tcertain\tprofessions,\tnotably acting,\ttrial\tlaw,\tsales,\tdiplomacy,\tand\tpolitics. Another,\tperhaps\tmore\tcrucial\tkind\tof\tself-monitoring\tseems\tto\tmake\tthe difference\tbetween\tthose\twho\tend\tup\tas\tanchorless\tsocial\tchameleons,\ttrying\tto impress\teveryone,\tand\tthose\twho\tcan\tuse\ttheir\tsocial\tpolish\tmore\tin\tkeeping with\ttheir\ttrue\tfeelings.\tThat\tis\tthe\tcapacity\tto\tbe\ttrue,\tas\tthe\tsaying\thas\tit,\t\\\"to thine\town\tself,\\\"\twhich\tallows\tacting\tin\taccord\twith\tone's\tdeepest\tfeelings\tand values\tno\tmatter\twhat\tthe\tsocial\tconsequences.\tSuch\temotional\tintegrity\tcould well\tlead\tto,\tsay,\tdeliberately\tprovoking\ta\tconfrontation\tin\torder\tto\tcut\tthrough duplicity\tor\tdenial\u2014a\tclearing\tof\tthe\tair\tthat\ta\tsocial\tchameleon\twould\tnever attempt. THE\tMAKING\tOF\tA\tSOCIAL\tINCOMPETENT There\twas\tno\tdoubt\tCecil\twas\tbright;\the\twas\ta\tcollege-trained\texpert\tin\tforeign languages,\tsuperb\tat\ttranslating.\tBut\tthere\twere\tcrucial\tways\tin\twhich\the\twas completely\tinept.\tCecil\tseemed\tto\tlack\tthe\tsimplest\tsocial\tskills.\tHe\twould\tmuff a\tcasual\tconversation\tover\tcoffee,\tand\tfumble\twhen\thaving\tto\tpass\tthe\ttime\tof day;\tin\tshort,\the\tseemed\tincapable\tof\tthe\tmost\troutine\tsocial\texchange.\tBecause his\tlack\tof\tsocial\tgrace\twas\tmost\tprofound\twhen\the\twas\taround\twomen,\tCecil came\tto\ttherapy\twondering\tif\tperhaps\the\thad\t\\\"homosexual\ttendencies\tof\tan underlying\tnature,\\\"\tas\the\tput\tit,\tthough\the\thad\tno\tsuch\tfantasies. The\treal\tproblem,\tCecil\tconfided\tto\this\ttherapist,\twas\tthat\the\tfeared\tthat nothing\the\tcould\tsay\twould\tbe\tof\tany\tinterest\tto\tanybody.\tThis\tunderlying\tfear only\tcompounded\ta\tprofound\tpaucity\tof\tsocial\tgraces.\tHis\tnervousness\tduring encounters\tled\thim\tto\tsnicker\tand\tlaugh\tat\tthe\tmost\tawkward\tmoments,\teven though\the\tfailed\tto\tlaugh\twhen\tsomeone\tsaid\tsomething\tgenuinely\tfunny.\tCecil's awkwardness,\the\tconfided\tto\this\ttherapist,\twent\tback\tto\tchildhood;\tall\this\tlife\the had\tfelt\tsocially\tat\tease\tonly\twhen\the\twas\twith\this\tolder\tbrother,\twho\tsomehow","had\tfelt\tsocially\tat\tease\tonly\twhen\the\twas\twith\this\tolder\tbrother,\twho\tsomehow helped\tease\tthings\tfor\thim.\tBut\tonce\the\tleft\thome,\this\tineptitude\twas overwhelming;\the\twas\tsocially\tparalyzed. The\ttale\tis\ttold\tby\tLakin\tPhillips,\ta\tpsychologist\tat\tGeorge\tWashington University,\twho\tproposes\tthat\tCecil's\tplight\tstems\tfrom\ta\tfailure\tto\tlearn\tin childhood\tthe\tmost\telementary\tlessons\tof\tsocial\tinteraction: \t What\tcould\tCecil\thave\tbeen\ttaught\tearlier?\tTo\tspeak\tdirectly\tto\tothers when\tspoken\tto;\tto\tinitiate\tsocial\tcontact,\tnot\talways\twait\tfor\tothers;\tto carry\ton\ta\tconversation,\tnot\tsimply\tfall\tback\ton\tyes\tor\tno\tor\tother\tone- word\treplies;\tto\texpress\tgratitude\ttoward\tothers,\tto\tlet\tanother\tperson walk\tbefore\tone\tin\tpassing\tthrough\ta\tdoor;\tto\twait\tuntil\tone\tis\tserved something\t.\t.\t.\tto\tthank\tothers,\tto\tsay\t\\\"please,\\\"\tto\tshare,\tand\tall\tthe\tother elementary\tinteractions\twe\tbegin\tto\tteach\tchildren\tfrom\tage\t2\tonward.9 \t Whether\tCecil's\tdeficiency\twas\tdue\tto\tanother's\tfailure\tto\tteach\thim\tsuch rudiments\tof\tsocial\tcivility\tor\tto\this\town\tinability\tto\tlearn\tis\tunclear.\tBut whatever\tits\troots,\tCecil's\tstory\tis\tinstructive\tbecause\tit\tpoints\tup\tthe\tcrucial nature\tof\tthe\tcountless\tlessons\tchildren\tget\tin\tinteraction\tsynchrony\tand\tthe unspoken\trules\tof\tsocial\tharmony.\tThe\tnet\teffect\tof\tfailing\tto\tfollow\tthese\trules is\tto\tcreate\twaves,\tto\tmake\tthose\taround\tus\tuncomfortable.\tThe\tfunction\tof\tthese rules,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tto\tkeep\teveryone\tinvolved\tin\ta\tsocial\texchange\tat\tease; awkwardness\tspawns\tanxiety.\tPeople\twho\tlack\tthese\tskills\tare\tinept\tnot\tjust\tat social\tniceties,\tbut\tat\thandling\tthe\temotions\tof\tthose\tthey\tencounter;\tthey inevitably\tleave\tdisturbance\tin\ttheir\twake. We\tall\thave\tknown\tCecils,\tpeople\twith\tan\tannoying\tlack\tof\tsocial\tgraces\u2014 people\twho\tdon't\tseem\tto\tknow\twhen\tto\tend\ta\tconversation\tor\tphone\tcall\tand who\tkeep\ton\ttalking,\toblivious\tto\tall\tcues\tand\thints\tto\tsay\tgood-bye;\tpeople whose\tconversation\tcenters\ton\tthemselves\tall\tthe\ttime,\twithout\tthe\tleast\tinterest in\tanyone\telse,\tand\twho\tignore\ttentative\tattempts\tto\trefocus\ton\tanother\ttopic; people\twho\tintrude\tor\task\t\\\"nosy\\\"\tquestions.\tThese\tderailments\tof\ta\tsmooth social\ttrajectory\tall\tbespeak\ta\tdeficit\tin\tthe\trudimentary\tbuilding\tblocks\tof interaction. Psychologists\thave\tcoined\tthe\tterm\tdyssemia\t(from\tthe\tGreek\tdys-\tfor","\\\"difficulty\\\"\tand\tsemes\tfor\t\\\"signal\\\")\tfor\twhat\tamounts\tto\ta\tlearning\tdisability\tin the\trealm\tof\tnonverbal\tmessages;\tabout\tone\tin\tten\tchildren\thas\tone\tor\tmore problems\tin\tthis\trealm.10\tThe\tproblem\tcan\tbe\tin\ta\tpoor\tsense\tof\tpersonal\tspace, so\tthat\ta\tchild\tstands\ttoo\tclose\twhile\ttalking\tor\tspreads\ttheir\tbelongings\tinto other\tpeople's\tterritory;\tin\tinterpreting\tor\tusing\tbody\tlanguage\tpoorly;\tin misinterpreting\tor\tmisusing\tfacial\texpressions\tby,\tsay,\tfailing\tto\tmake\teye contact;\tor\tin\ta\tpoor\tsense\tof\tprosody,\tthe\temotional\tquality\tof\tspeech,\tso\tthat they\ttalk\ttoo\tshrilly\tor\tflatly. Much\tresearch\thas\tfocused\ton\tspotting\tchildren\twho\tshow\tsigns\tof\tsocial deficiency,\tchildren\twhose\tawkwardness\tmakes\tthem\tneglected\tor\trejected\tby their\tplaymates.\tApart\tfrom\tchildren\twho\tare\tspurned\tbecause\tthey\tare\tbullies, those\twhom\tother\tchildren\tavoid\tare\tinvariably\tdeficient\tin\tthe\trudiments\tof face-to-face\tinteraction,\tparticularly\tthe\tunspoken\trules\tthat\tgovern\tencounters. If\tchildren\tdo\tpoorly\tin\tlanguage,\tpeople\tassume\tthey\tare\tnot\tvery\tbright\tor poorly\teducated;\tbut\twhen\tthey\tdo\tpoorly\tin\tthe\tnonverbal\trules\tof\tinteraction, people\u2014especially\tplaymates\u2014see\tthem\tas\t\\\"strange,\\\"\tand\tavoid\tthem.\tThese are\tthe\tchildren\twho\tdon't\tknow\thow\tto\tjoin\ta\tgame\tgracefully,\twho\ttouch\tothers in\tways\tthat\tmake\tfor\tdiscomfort\trather\tthan\tcamaraderie\u2014in\tshort,\twho\tare \\\"off.\\\"\tThey\tare\tchildren\twho\thave\tfailed\tto\tmaster\tthe\tsilent\tlanguage\tof emotion,\tand\twho\tunwittingly\tsend\tmessages\tthat\tcreate\tuneasiness. As\tStephen\tNowicki,\tan\tEmory\tUniversity\tpsychologist\twho\tstudies\tchildren's nonverbal\tabilities,\tput\tit,\t\\\"Children\twho\tcan't\tread\tor\texpress\temotions\twell constantly\tfeel\tfrustrated.\tIn\tessence,\tthey\tdon't\tunderstand\twhat's\tgoing\ton.\tThis kind\tof\tcommunication\tis\ta\tconstant\tsubtext\tof\teverything\tyou\tdo;\tyou\tcan't\tstop showing\tyour\tfacial\texpression\tor\tposture,\tor\thide\tyour\ttone\tof\tvoice.\tIf\tyou make\tmistakes\tin\twhat\temotional\tmessages\tyou\tsend,\tyou\tconstantly\texperience that\tpeople\treact\tto\tyou\tin\tfunny\tways\u2014you\tget\trebuffed\tand\tdon't\tknow\twhy.\tIf you're\tthinking\tyou're\tacting\thappy\tbut\tactually\tseem\ttoo\thyper\tor\tangry,\tyou find\tother\tkids\tgetting\tangry\tat\tyou\tin\tturn,\tand\tyou\tdon't\trealize\twhy.\tSuch\tkids end\tup\tfeeling\tno\tsense\tof\tcontrol\tover\thow\tother\tpeople\ttreat\tthem,\tthat\ttheir actions\thave\tno\timpact\ton\twhat\thappens\tto\tthem.\tIt\tleaves\tthem\tfeeling powerless,\tdepressed,\tand\tapathetic.\\\" Apart\tfrom\tbecoming\tsocial\tisolates,\tsuch\tchildren\talso\tsuffer\tacademically. The\tclassroom,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tas\tmuch\ta\tsocial\tsituation\tas\tan\tacademic\tone;\tthe socially\tawkward\tchild\tis\tas\tlikely\tto\tmisread\tand\tmisrespond\tto\ta\tteacher\tas\tto another\tchild.\tThe\tresulting\tanxiety\tand\tbewilderment\tcan\tthemselves\tinterfere with\ttheir\tability\tto\tlearn\teffectively.\tIndeed,\tas\ttests\tof\tchildren's\tnonverbal","sensitivity\thave\tshown,\tthose\twho\tmisread\temotional\tcues\ttend\tto\tdo\tpoorly\tin school\tcompared\tto\ttheir\tacademic\tpotential\tas\treflected\tin\tIQ\ttests.11 \\\"WE\tHATE\tYOU\\\":\tAT\tTHE\tTHRESHOLD Social\tineptitude\tis\tperhaps\tmost\tpainful\tand\texplicit\twhen\tit\tcomes\tto\tone\tof the\tmore\tperilous\tmoments\tin\tthe\tlife\tof\ta\tyoung\tchild:\tbeing\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\ta group\tat\tplay\tyou\twant\tto\tjoin.\tIt\tis\ta\tmoment\tof\tperil,\tone\twhen\tbeing\tliked\tor hated,\tbelonging\tor\tnot,\tis\tmade\tall\ttoo\tpublic.\tFor\tthat\treason\tthat\tcrucial moment\thas\tbeen\tthe\tsubject\tof\tintense\tscrutiny\tby\tstudents\tof\tchild development,\trevealing\ta\tstark\tcontrast\tin\tapproach\tstrategies\tused\tby\tpopular children\tand\tby\tsocial\toutcasts.\tThe\tfindings\thighlight\tjust\thow\tcrucial\tit\tis\tfor social\tcompetence\tto\tnotice,\tinterpret,\tand\trespond\tto\temotional\tand interpersonal\tcues.\tWhile\tit\tis\tpoignant\tto\tsee\ta\tchild\thover\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\tothers at\tplay,\twanting\tto\tjoin\tin\tbut\tbeing\tleft\tout,\tit\tis\ta\tuniversal\tpredicament.\tEven the\tmost\tpopular\tchildren\tare\tsometimes\trejected\u2014a\tstudy\tof\tsecond\tand\tthird graders\tfound\tthat\t26\tpercent\tof\tthe\ttime\tthe\tmost\twell\tliked\tchildren\twere rebuffed\twhen\tthey\ttried\tto\tenter\ta\tgroup\talready\tat\tplay. Young\tchildren\tare\tbrutally\tcandid\tabout\tthe\temotional\tjudgment\timplicit\tin such\trejections.\tWitness\tthe\tfollowing\tdialogue\tfrom\tfour-year-olds\tin\ta preschool.12\tLinda\twants\tto\tjoin\tBarbara,\tNancy,\tand\tBill,\twho\tare\tplaying\twith toy\tanimals\tand\tbuilding\tblocks.\tShe\twatches\tfor\ta\tminute,\tthen\tmakes\ther approach,\tsitting\tnext\tto\tBarbara\tand\tstarting\tto\tplay\twith\tthe\tanimals.\tBarbara turns\tto\ther\tand\tsays,\t\\\"You\tcan't\tplay!\\\" \\\"Yes,\tI\tcan,\\\"\tLinda\tcounters.\t\\\"I\tcan\thave\tsome\tanimals,\ttoo.\\\" \\\"No,\tyou\tcan't,\\\"\tBarbara\tsays\tbluntly.\t\\\"We\tdon't\tlike\tyou\ttoday.\\\" When\tBill\tprotests\ton\tLinda's\tbehalf,\tNancy\tjoins\tthe\tattack:\t\\\"We\thate\ther today.\\\" Because\tof\tthe\tdanger\tof\tbeing\ttold,\teither\texplicitly\tor\timplicitly,\t\\\"We\thate you,\\\"\tall\tchildren\tare\tunderstandably\tcautious\ton\tthe\tthreshold\tof\tapproaching\ta group.\tThat\tanxiety,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tprobably\tnot\tmuch\tdifferent\tfrom\tthat\tfelt\tby\ta grown-up\tat\ta\tcocktail\tparty\twith\tstrangers\twho\thangs\tback\tfrom\ta\thappily chatting\tgroup\twho\tseem\tto\tbe\tintimate\tfriends.\tBecause\tthis\tmoment\tat\tthe threshold\tof\ta\tgroup\tis\tso\tmomentous\tfor\ta\tchild,\tit\tis\talso,\tas\tone\tresearcher\tput it,\t\\\"highly\tdiagnostic.\t.\t.\tquickly\trevealing\tdifferences\tin\tsocial\tskillfulness.\\\"13 Typically,\tnewcomers\tsimply\twatch\tfor\ta\ttime,\tthen\tjoin\tin\tvery\ttentatively\tat first,\tbeing\tmore\tassertive\tonly\tin\tvery\tcautious\tsteps.\tWhat\tmatters\tmost\tfor whether\ta\tchild\tis\taccepted\tor\tnot\tis\thow\twell\the\tor\tshe\tis\table\tto\tenter\tinto\tthe","whether\ta\tchild\tis\taccepted\tor\tnot\tis\thow\twell\the\tor\tshe\tis\table\tto\tenter\tinto\tthe group's\tframe\tof\treference,\tsensing\twhat\tkind\tof\tplay\tis\tin\tflow,\twhat\tout\tof place. The\ttwo\tcardinal\tsins\tthat\talmost\talways\tlead\tto\trejection\tare\ttrying\tto\ttake\tthe lead\ttoo\tsoon\tand\tbeing\tout\tof\tsynch\twith\tthe\tframe\tof\treference.\tBut\tthis\tis exactly\twhat\tunpopular\tchildren\ttend\tto\tdo:\tthey\tpush\ttheir\tway\tinto\ta\tgroup, trying\tto\tchange\tthe\tsubject\ttoo\tabruptly\tor\ttoo\tsoon,\tor\toffering\ttheir\town opinions,\tor\tsimply\tdisagreeing\twith\tthe\tothers\tright\taway\u2014all\tapparent attempts\tto\tdraw\tattention\tto\tthemselves.\tParadoxically,\tthis\tresults\tin\ttheir being\tignored\tor\trejected.\tBy\tcontrast,\tpopular\tchildren\tspend\ttime\tobserving\tthe group\tto\tunderstand\twhat's\tgoing\ton\tbefore\tentering\tin,\tand\tthen\tdo\tsomething that\tshows\tthey\taccept\tit;\tthey\twait\tto\thave\ttheir\tstatus\tin\tthe\tgroup\tconfirmed before\ttaking\tinitiative\tin\tsuggesting\twhat\tthe\tgroup\tshould\tdo. Let's\treturn\tto\tRoger,\tthe\tfour-year-old\twhom\tThomas\tHatch\tspotted exhibiting\ta\thigh\tlevel\tof\tinterpersonal\tintelligence.\t14\tRoger's\ttactic\tfor\tentering a\tgroup\twas\tfirst\tto\tobserve,\tthen\tto\timitate\twhat\tanother\tchild\twas\tdoing,\tand finally\tto\ttalk\tto\tthe\tchild\tand\tfully\tjoin\tthe\tactivity\u2014a\twinning\tstrategy.\tRoger's skill\twas\tshown,\tfor\tinstance,\twhen\the\tand\tWarren\twere\tplaying\tat\tputting \\\"bombs\\\"\t(actually\tpebbles)\tin\ttheir\tsocks.\tWarren\tasks\tRoger\tif\the\twants\tto\tbe\tin a\thelicopter\tor\tan\tairplane.\tRoger\tasks,\tbefore\tcommitting\thimself,\t\\\"Are\tyou\tin\ta helicopter?\\\"15 This\tseemingly\tinnocuous\tmoment\treveals\tsensitivity\tto\tothers'\tconcerns,\tand the\tability\tto\tact\ton\tthat\tknowledge\tin\ta\tway\tthat\tmaintains\tthe\tconnection. Hatch\tcomments\tabout\tRoger,\t\\\"He\t'checks\tin'\twith\this\tplaymate\tso\tthat\tthey\tand their\tplay\tremain\tconnected.\tI\thave\twatched\tmany\tother\tchildren\twho\tsimply\tget in\ttheir\town\thelicopters\tor\tplanes\tand,\tliterally\tand\tfiguratively,\tfly\taway\tfrom each\tother.\\\" EMOTIONAL\tBRILLIANCE:\tA\tCASE\tREPORT If\tthe\ttest\tof\tsocial\tskill\tis\tthe\tability\tto\tcalm\tdistressing\temotions\tin\tothers,\tthen handling\tsomeone\tat\tthe\tpeak\tof\trage\tis\tperhaps\tthe\tultimate\tmeasure\tof mastery.\tThe\tdata\ton\tself-regulation\tof\tanger\tand\temotional\tcontagion\tsuggest that\tone\teffective\tstrategy\tmight\tbe\tto\tdistract\tthe\tangry\tperson,\tempathize\twith his\tfeelings\tand\tperspective,\tand\tthen\tdraw\thim\tinto\tan\talternative\tfocus,\tone that\tattunes\thim\twith\ta\tmore\tpositive\trange\tof\tfeeling\u2014a\tkind\tof\temotional\tjudo. Such\trefined\tskill\tin\tthe\tfine\tart\tof\temotional\tinfluence\tis\tperhaps\tbest exemplified\tby\ta\tstory\ttold\tby\tan\told\tfriend,\tthe\tlate\tTerry\tDobson,\twho\tin\tthe 1950s\twas\tone\tof\tthe\tfirst\tAmericans\tever\tto\tstudy\tthe\tmartial\tart\taikido\tin","1950s\twas\tone\tof\tthe\tfirst\tAmericans\tever\tto\tstudy\tthe\tmartial\tart\taikido\tin Japan.\tOne\tafternoon\the\twas\triding\thome\ton\ta\tsuburban\tTokyo\ttrain\twhen\ta huge,\tbellicose,\tand\tvery\tdrunk\tand\tbegrimed\tlaborer\tgot\ton.\tThe\tman, staggering,\tbegan\tterrorizing\tthe\tpassengers:\tscreaming\tcurses,\the\ttook\ta\tswing at\ta\twoman\tholding\ta\tbaby,\tsending\ther\tsprawling\tin\tthe\tlaps\tof\tan\telderly couple,\twho\tthen\tjumped\tup\tand\tjoined\ta\tstampede\tto\tthe\tother\tend\tof\tthe\tcar. The\tdrunk,\ttaking\ta\tfew\tother\tswings\t(and,\tin\this\trage,\tmissing),\tgrabbed\tthe metal\tpole\tin\tthe\tmiddle\tof\tthe\tcar\twith\ta\troar\tand\ttried\tto\ttear\tit\tout\tof\tits socket. At\tthat\tpoint\tTerry,\twho\twas\tin\tpeak\tphysical\tcondition\tfrom\tdaily\teight-hour aikido\tworkouts,\tfelt\tcalled\tupon\tto\tintervene,\tlest\tsomeone\tget\tseriously\thurt. But\the\trecalled\tthe\twords\tof\this\tteacher:\t\\\"Aikido\tis\tthe\tart\tof\treconciliation. Whoever\thas\tthe\tmind\tto\tfight\thas\tbroken\this\tconnection\twith\tthe\tuniverse.\tIf you\ttry\tto\tdominate\tpeople\tyou\tare\talready\tdefeated.\tWe\tstudy\thow\tto\tresolve conflict,\tnot\thow\tto\tstart\tit.\\\" Indeed,\tTerry\thad\tagreed\tupon\tbeginning\tlessons\twith\this\tteacher\tnever\tto pick\ta\tfight,\tand\tto\tuse\this\tmartial-arts\tskills\tonly\tin\tdefense.\tNow,\tat\tlast,\the saw\this\tchance\tto\ttest\this\taikido\tabilities\tin\treal\tlife,\tin\twhat\twas\tclearly\ta legitimate\topportunity.\tSo,\tas\tall\tthe\tother\tpassengers\tsat\tfrozen\tin\ttheir\tseats, Terry\tstood\tup,\tslowly\tand\twith\tdeliberation. Seeing\thim,\tthe\tdrunk\troared,\t\\\"Aha!\tA\tforeigner!\tYou\tneed\ta\tlesson\tin Japanese\tmanners!\\\"\tand\tbegan\tgathering\thimself\tto\ttake\ton\tTerry. But\tjust\tas\tthe\tdrunk\twas\ton\tthe\tverge\tof\tmaking\this\tmove,\tsomeone\tgave\tan earsplitting,\toddly\tjoyous\tshout:\t\\\"Hey!\\\" The\tshout\thad\tthe\tcheery\ttone\tof\tsomeone\twho\thas\tsuddenly\tcome\tupon\ta fond\tfriend.\tThe\tdrunk,\tsurprised,\tspun\taround\tto\tsee\ta\ttiny\tJapanese\tman, probably\tin\this\tseventies,\tsitting\tthere\tin\ta\tkimono.\tThe\told\tman\tbeamed\twith delight\tat\tthe\tdrunk,\tand\tbeckoned\thim\tover\twith\ta\tlight\twave\tof\this\thand\tand\ta lilting\t\\\"C'mere.\\\" The\tdrunk\tstrode\tover\twith\ta\tbelligerent,\t\\\"Why\tthe\thell\tshould\tI\ttalk\tto\tyou?\\\" Meanwhile,\tTerry\twas\tready\tto\tfell\tthe\tdrunk\tin\ta\tmoment\tif\the\tmade\tthe\tleast violent\tmove. \\\"What'cha\tbeen\tdrinking?\\\"\tthe\told\tman\tasked,\this\teyes\tbeaming\tat\tthe drunken\tlaborer. \\\"I\tbeen\tdrinking\tsake,\tand\tit's\tnone\tof\tyour\tbusiness,\\\"\tthe\tdrunk\tbellowed. \\\"Oh,\tthat's\twonderful,\tabsolutely\twonderful,\\\"\tthe\told\tman\treplied\tin\ta\twarm tone.\t\\\"You\tsee,\tI\tlove\tsake,\ttoo.\tEvery\tnight,\tme\tand\tmy\twife\t(she's\tseventy-six, you\tknow),\twe\twarm\tup\ta\tlittle\tbottle\tof\tsake\tand\ttake\tit\tout\tinto\tthe\tgarden,\tand","you\tknow),\twe\twarm\tup\ta\tlittle\tbottle\tof\tsake\tand\ttake\tit\tout\tinto\tthe\tgarden,\tand we\tsit\ton\tan\told\twooden\tbench\t.\t.\t.\t\\\"\tHe\tcontinued\ton\tabout\tthe\tpersimmon\ttree in\this\tbackyard,\tthe\tfortunes\tof\this\tgarden,\tenjoying\tsake\tin\tthe\tevening. The\tdrunk's\tface\tbegan\tto\tsoften\tas\the\tlistened\tto\tthe\told\tman;\this\tfists unclenched.\t\\\"Yeah\t.\t.\t.\tI\tlove\tpersimmons,\ttoo.\t.\t.\t,\t\\\"\the\tsaid,\this\tvoice\ttrailing off. \\\"Yes,\\\"\tthe\told\tman\treplied\tin\ta\tsprightly\tvoice,\t\\\"and\tI'm\tsure\tyou\thave\ta wonderful\twife.\\\" \\\"No,\\\"\tsaid\tthe\tlaborer.\t\\\"My\twife\tdied.\t.\t.\t.\\\"\tSobbing,\the\tlaunched\tinto\ta\tsad tale\tof\tlosing\this\twife,\this\thome,\this\tjob,\tof\tbeing\tashamed\tof\thimself. Just\tthen\tthe\ttrain\tcame\tto\tTerry's\tstop,\tand\tas\the\twas\tgetting\toff\the\tturned\tto hear\tthe\told\tman\tinvite\tthe\tdrunk\tto\tjoin\thim\tand\ttell\thim\tall\tabout\tit,\tand\tto\tsee the\tdrunk\tsprawl\talong\tthe\tseat,\this\thead\tin\tthe\told\tman's\tlap. That\tis\temotional\tbrilliance.","PART\tTHREE EMOTIONAL\tINTELLIGENCE\tAPPLIED","9 Intimate\tEnemies \t To\tlove\tand\tto\twork,\tSigmund\tFreud\tonce\tremarked\tto\this\tdisciple\tErik\tErikson, are\tthe\ttwin\tcapacities\tthat\tmark\tfull\tmaturity.\tIf\tthat\tis\tthe\tcase,\tthen\tmaturity may\tbe\tan\tendangered\tway\tstation\tin\tlife\u2014and\tcurrent\ttrends\tin\tmarriage\tand divorce\tmake\temotional\tintelligence\tmore\tcrucial\tthan\tever. Consider\tdivorce\trates.\tThe\trate\tper\tyear\tof\tdivorces\thas\tmore\tor\tless\tleveled off.\tBut\tthere\tis\tanother\tway\tof\tcalculating\tdivorce\trates,\tone\tthat\tsuggests\ta perilous\tclimb:\tlooking\tat\tthe\todds\tthat\ta\tgiven\tnewly\tmarried\tcouple\twill\thave their\tmarriage\teventually\tend\tin\tdivorce.\tAlthough\tthe\toverall\trate\tof\tdivorce\thas stopped\tclimbing,\tthe\trisk\tof\tdivorce\thas\tbeen\tshifting\tto\tnewlyweds. The\tshift\tgets\tclearer\tin\tcomparing\tdivorce\trates\tfor\tcouples\twed\tin\ta\tgiven year.\tFor\tAmerican\tmarriages\tthat\tbegan\tin\t1890,\tabout\t10\tpercent\tended\tin divorce.\tFor\tthose\twed\tin\t1920,\tthe\trate\twas\tabout\t18\tpercent;\tfor\tcouples married\tin\t1950,\t30\tpercent.\tCouples\tthat\twere\tnewly\twed\tin\t1970\thad\ta\tfifty- fifty\tchance\tof\tsplitting\tup\tor\tstaying\ttogether.\tAnd\tfor\tmarried\tcouples\tstarting out\tin\t1990,\tthe\tlikelihood\tthat\tthe\tmarriage\twould\tend\tin\tdivorce\twas\tprojected to\tbe\tclose\tto\ta\tstaggering\t67\tpercent!1\tIf\tthe\testimate\tholds,\tjust\tthree\tin\tten\tof recent\tnewlyweds\tcan\tcount\ton\tstaying\tmarried\tto\ttheir\tnew\tpartner. It\tcan\tbe\targued\tthat\tmuch\tof\tthis\trise\tis\tdue\tnot\tso\tmuch\tto\ta\tdecline\tin emotional\tintelligence\tas\tto\tthe\tsteady\terosion\tof\tsocial\tpressures\u2014the\tstigma surrounding\tdivorce,\tor\tthe\teconomic\tdependence\tof\twives\ton\ttheir\thusbands\u2014 that\tused\tto\tkeep\tcouples\ttogether\tin\teven\tthe\tmost\tmiserable\tof\tmatches.\tBut\tif social\tpressures\tare\tno\tlonger\tthe\tglue\tthat\tholds\ta\tmarriage\ttogether,\tthen\tthe emotional\tforces\tbetween\twife\tand\thusband\tare\tthat\tmuch\tmore\tcrucial\tif\ttheir union\tis\tto\tsurvive. These\tties\tbetween\thusband\tand\twife\u2014and\tthe\temotional\tfault\tlines\tthat\tcan break\tthem\tapart\u2014have\tbeen\tassayed\tin\trecent\tyears\twith\ta\tprecision\tnever\tseen before.\tPerhaps\tthe\tbiggest\tbreakthrough\tin\tunderstanding\twhat\tholds\ta\tmarriage together\tor\ttears\tit\tapart\thas\tcome\tfrom\tthe\tuse\tof\tsophisticated\tphysiological measures\tthat\tallow\tthe\tmoment-to-moment\ttracking\tof\tthe\temotional\tnuances","measures\tthat\tallow\tthe\tmoment-to-moment\ttracking\tof\tthe\temotional\tnuances of\ta\tcouple's\tencounter.\tScientists\tare\tnow\table\tto\tdetect\ta\thusband's\totherwise invisible\tadrenaline\tsurges\tand\tjumps\tin\tblood\tpressure,\tand\tto\tobserve\tfleeting but\ttelling\tmicroemotions\tas\tthey\tflit\tacross\ta\twife's\tface.\tThese\tphysiological measures\treveal\ta\thidden\tbiological\tsubtext\tto\ta\tcouple's\tdifficulties,\ta\tcritical level\tof\temotional\treality\tthat\tis\ttypically\timperceptible\tto\tor\tdisregarded\tby\tthe couple\tthemselves.\tThese\tmeasures\tlay\tbare\tthe\temotional\tforces\tthat\thold\ta relationship\ttogether\tor\tdestroy\tit.\tThe\tfault\tlines\thave\ttheir\tearliest\tbeginnings in\tthe\tdifferences\tbetween\tthe\temotional\tworlds\tof\tgirls\tand\tboys. HIS\tMARRIAGE\tAND\tHERS:\tCHILDHOOD\tROOTS As\tI\twas\tentering\ta\trestaurant\ton\ta\trecent\tevening,\ta\tyoung\tman\tstalked\tout\tthe door,\this\tface\tset\tin\tan\texpression\tboth\tstony\tand\tsullen.\tClose\ton\this\theels\ta young\twoman\tcame\trunning,\ther\tfists\tdesperately\tpummeling\this\tback\twhile\tshe yelled,\t\\\"Goddamn\tyou!\tCome\tback\there\tand\tbe\tnice\tto\tme!\\\"\tThat\tpoignant, impossibly\tself-contradictory\tplea\taimed\tat\ta\tretreating\tback\tepitomizes\tthe pattern\tmost\tcommonly\tseen\tin\tcouples\twhose\trelationship\tis\tdistressed:\tShe seeks\tto\tengage,\the\twithdraws.\tMarital\ttherapists\thave\tlong\tnoted\tthat\tby\tthe time\ta\tcouple\tfinds\ttheir\tway\tto\tthe\ttherapy\toffice\tthey\tare\tin\tthis\tpattern\tof engage-withdraw,\twith\this\tcomplaint\tabout\ther\t\\\"unreasonable\\\"\tdemands\tand outbursts,\tand\ther\tlamenting\this\tindifference\tto\twhat\tshe\tis\tsaying. This\tmarital\tendgame\treflects\tthe\tfact\tthat\tthere\tare,\tin\teffect,\ttwo\temotional realities\tin\ta\tcouple,\this\tand\thers.\tThe\troots\tof\tthese\temotional\tdifferences,\twhile they\tmay\tbe\tpartly\tbiological,\talso\tcan\tbe\ttraced\tback\tto\tchildhood,\tand\tto\tthe separate\temotional\tworlds\tboys\tand\tgirls\tinhabit\twhile\tgrowing\tup.\tThere\tis\ta vast\tamount\tof\tresearch\ton\tthese\tseparate\tworlds,\ttheir\tbarriers\treinforced\tnot just\tby\tthe\tdifferent\tgames\tboys\tand\tgirls\tprefer,\tbut\tby\tyoung\tchildren's\tfear\tof being\tteased\tfor\thaving\ta\t\\\"girlfriend\\\"\tor\t\\\"boyfriend.\\\"2\tOne\tstudy\tof\tchildren's friendships\tfound\tthat\tthree-year-olds\tsay\tabout\thalf\ttheir\tfriends\tare\tof\tthe opposite\tsex;\tfor\tfive-year-olds\tit's\tabout\t20\tpercent,\tand\tby\tage\tseven\talmost\tno boys\tor\tgirls\tsay\tthey\thave\ta\tbest\tfriend\tof\tthe\topposite\tsex.3\tThese\tseparate social\tuniverses\tintersect\tlittle\tuntil\tteenagers\tstart\tdating. Meanwhile,\tboys\tand\tgirls\tare\ttaught\tvery\tdifferent\tlessons\tabout\thandling emotions.\tParents,\tin\tgeneral,\tdiscuss\temotions\u2014with\tthe\texception\tof\tanger\u2014 more\twith\ttheir\tdaughters\tthan\ttheir\tsons.4\tGirls\tare\texposed\tto\tmore information\tabout\temotions\tthan\tare\tboys:\twhen\tparents\tmake\tup\tstories\tto\ttell","their\tpreschool\tchildren,\tthey\tuse\tmore\temotion\twords\twhen\ttalking\tto\tdaughters than\tto\tsons;\twhen\tmothers\tplay\twith\ttheir\tinfants,\tthey\tdisplay\ta\twider\trange\tof emotions\tto\tdaughters\tthan\tto\tsons;\twhen\tmothers\ttalk\tto\tdaughters\tabout feelings,\tthey\tdiscuss\tin\tmore\tdetail\tthe\temotional\tstate\titself\tthan\tthey\tdo\twith their\tsons\u2014though\twith\tthe\tsons\tthey\tgo\tinto\tmore\tdetail\tabout\tthe\tcauses\tand consequences\tof\temotions\tlike\tanger\t(probably\tas\ta\tcautionary\ttale). Leslie\tBrody\tand\tJudith\tHall,\twho\thave\tsummarized\tthe\tresearch\ton differences\tin\temotions\tbetween\tthe\tsexes,\tpropose\tthat\tbecause\tgirls\tdevelop facility\twith\tlanguage\tmore\tquickly\tthan\tdo\tboys,\tthis\tleads\tthem\tto\tbe\tmore experienced\tat\tarticulating\ttheir\tfeelings\tand\tmore\tskilled\tthan\tboys\tat\tusing words\tto\texplore\tand\tsubstitute\tfor\temotional\treactions\tsuch\tas\tphysical\tfights; in\tcontrast,\tthey\tnote,\t\\\"boys,\tfor\twhom\tthe\tverbalization\tof\taffects\tis\tde- emphasized,\tmay\tbecome\tlargely\tunconscious\tof\ttheir\temotional\tstates,\tboth\tin themselves\tand\tin\tothers.\\\"5 At\tage\tten,\troughly\tthe\tsame\tpercent\tof\tgirls\tas\tboys\tare\tovertly\taggressive, given\tto\topen\tconfrontation\twhen\tangered.\tBut\tby\tage\tthirteen,\ta\ttelling difference\tbetween\tthe\tsexes\temerges:\tGirls\tbecome\tmore\tadept\tthan\tboys\tat artful\taggressive\ttactics\tlike\tostracism,\tvicious\tgossip,\tand\tindirect\tvendettas. Boys,\tby\tand\tlarge,\tsimply\tcontinue\tbeing\tconfrontational\twhen\tangered, oblivious\tto\tthese\tmore\tcovert\tstrategies.6\tThis\tis\tjust\tone\tof\tmany\tways\tthat boys\u2014and\tlater,\tmen\u2014are\tless\tsophisticated\tthan\tthe\topposite\tsex\tin\tthe\tbyways of\temotional\tlife. When\tgirls\tplay\ttogether,\tthey\tdo\tso\tin\tsmall,\tintimate\tgroups,\twith\tan emphasis\ton\tminimizing\thostility\tand\tmaximizing\tcooperation,\twhile\tboys' games\tare\tin\tlarger\tgroups,\twith\tan\temphasis\ton\tcompetition.\tOne\tkey\tdifference can\tbe\tseen\tin\twhat\thappens\twhen\tgames\tboys\tor\tgirls\tare\tplaying\tget\tdisrupted by\tsomeone\tgetting\thurt.\tIf\ta\tboy\twho\thas\tgotten\thurt\tgets\tupset,\the\tis\texpected to\tget\tout\tof\tthe\tway\tand\tstop\tcrying\tso\tthe\tgame\tcan\tgo\ton.\tIf\tthe\tsame\thappens among\ta\tgroup\tof\tgirls\twho\tare\tplaying,\tthe\tgame\tstops\twhile\teveryone\tgathers around\tto\thelp\tthe\tgirl\twho\tis\tcrying.\tThis\tdifference\tbetween\tboys\tand\tgirls\tat play\tepitomizes\twhat\tHarvard's\tCarol\tGilligan\tpoints\tto\tas\ta\tkey\tdisparity between\tthe\tsexes:\tboys\ttake\tpride\tin\ta\tlone,\ttough-minded\tindependence\tand autonomy,\twhile\tgirls\tsee\tthemselves\tas\tpart\tof\ta\tweb\tof\tconnectedness.\tThus boys\tare\tthreatened\tby\tanything\tthat\tmight\tchallenge\ttheir\tindependence,\twhile girls\tare\tmore\tthreatened\tby\ta\trupture\tin\ttheir\trelationships.\tAnd,\tas\tDeborah Tannen\thas\tpointed\tout\tin\ther\tbook\tYou\tjust\tDon't\tUnderstand,\tthese\tdiffering perspectives\tmean\tthat\tmen\tand\twomen\twant\tand\texpect\tvery\tdifferent\tthings","out\tof\ta\tconversation,\twith\tmen\tcontent\tto\ttalk\tabout\t\\\"things,\\\"\twhile\twomen seek\temotional\tconnection. In\tshort,\tthese\tcontrasts\tin\tschooling\tin\tthe\temotions\tfoster\tvery\tdifferent skills,\twith\tgirls\tbecoming\t\\\"adept\tat\treading\tboth\tverbal\tand\tnonverbal emotional\tsignals,\tat\texpressing\tand\tcommunicating\ttheir\tfeelings,\\\"\tand\tboys becoming\tadept\tat\t\\\"minimizing\temotions\thaving\tto\tdo\twith\tvulnerability,\tguilt, fear\tand\thurt\\\".7\tEvidence\tfor\tthese\tdifferent\tstances\tis\tvery\tstrong\tin\tthe scientific\tliterature.\tHundreds\tof\tstudies\thave\tfound,\tfor\texample,\tthat\ton average\twomen\tare\tmore\tempathic\tthan\tmen,\tat\tleast\tas\tmeasured\tby\tthe\tability to\tread\tsomeone\telse's\tunstated\tfeelings\tfrom\tfacial\texpression,\ttone\tof\tvoice, and\tother\tnonverbal\tcues.\tLikewise,\tit\tis\tgenerally\teasier\tto\tread\tfeelings\tfrom\ta woman's\tface\tthan\ta\tman's;\twhile\tthere\tis\tno\tdifference\tin\tfacial\texpressiveness among\tvery\tyoung\tboys\tand\tgirls,\tas\tthey\tgo\tthrough\tthe\telementary-school grades\tboys\tbecome\tless\texpressive,\tgirls\tmore\tso.\tThis\tmay\tpartly\treflect another\tkey\tdifference:\twomen,\ton\taverage,\texperience\tthe\tentire\trange\tof emotions\twith\tgreater\tintensity\tand\tmore\tvolatility\tthan\tmen\u2014in\tthis\tsense, women\tare\tmore\t\\\"emotional\\\"\tthan\tmen.8 All\tof\tthis\tmeans\tthat,\tin\tgeneral,\twomen\tcome\tinto\ta\tmarriage\tgroomed\tfor the\trole\tof\temotional\tmanager,\twhile\tmen\tarrive\twith\tmuch\tless\tappreciation\tof the\timportance\tof\tthis\ttask\tfor\thelping\ta\trelationship\tsurvive.\tIndeed,\tthe\tmost important\telement\tfor\twomen\u2014but\tnot\tfor\tmen\u2014in\tsatisfaction\twith\ttheir relationship\treported\tin\ta\tstudy\tof\t264\tcouples\twas\tthe\tsense\tthat\tthe\tcouple\thas \\\"good\tcommunication.\\\"9\tTed\tHuston,\ta\tpsychologist\tat\tthe\tUniversity\tof\tTexas who\thas\tstudied\tcouples\tin\tdepth,\tobserves,\t\\\"For\tthe\twives,\tintimacy\tmeans talking\tthings\tover,\tespecially\ttalking\tabout\tthe\trelationship\titself.\tThe\tmen,\tby and\tlarge,\tdon't\tunderstand\twhat\tthe\twives\twant\tfrom\tthem.\tThey\tsay,\t'I\twant\tto do\tthings\twith\ther,\tand\tall\tshe\twants\tto\tdo\tis\ttalk.'\t\\\"\tDuring\tcourtship,\tHuston found,\tmen\twere\tmuch\tmore\twilling\tto\tspend\ttime\ttalking\tin\tways\tthat\tsuited\tthe wish\tfor\tintimacy\tof\ttheir\twives-to-be.\tBut\tonce\tmarried,\tas\ttime\twent\ton\tthe men\u2014especially\tin\tmore\ttraditional\tcouples\u2014spent\tless\tand\tless\ttime\ttalking\tin this\tway\twith\ttheir\twives,\tfinding\ta\tsense\tof\tcloseness\tsimply\tin\tdoing\tthings like\tgardening\ttogether\trather\tthan\ttalking\tthings\tover. This\tgrowing\tsilence\ton\tthe\tpart\tof\thusbands\tmay\tbe\tpartly\tdue\tto\tthe\tfact that,\tif\tanything,\tmen\tare\ta\tbit\tPollyannaish\tabout\tthe\tstate\tof\ttheir\tmarriage, while\ttheir\twives\tare\tattuned\tto\tthe\ttrouble\tspots:\tin\tone\tstudy\tof\tmarriages,\tmen had\ta\trosier\tview\tthan\ttheir\twives\tof\tjust\tabout\teverything\tin\ttheir\trelationship\u2014 lovemaking,\tfinances,\tties\twith\tin-laws,\thow\twell\tthey\tlistened\tto\teach\tother,","how\tmuch\ttheir\tflaws\tmattered.10\tWives,\tin\tgeneral,\tare\tmore\tvocal\tabout\ttheir complaints\tthan\tare\ttheir\thusbands,\tparticularly\tamong\tunhappy\tcouples. Combine\tmen's\trosy\tview\tof\tmarriage\twith\ttheir\taversion\tto\temotional confrontations,\tand\tit\tis\tclear\twhy\twives\tso\toften\tcomplain\tthat\ttheir\thusbands try\tto\twiggle\tout\tof\tdiscussing\tthe\ttroubling\tthings\tabout\ttheir\trelationship.\t(Of course\tthis\tgender\tdifference\tis\ta\tgeneralization,\tand\tis\tnot\ttrue\tin\tevery\tcase;\ta psychiatrist\tfriend\tcomplained\tthat\tin\this\tmarriage\this\twife\tis\treluctant\tto\tdiscuss emotional\tmatters\tbetween\tthem,\tand\the\tis\tthe\tone\twho\tis\tleft\tto\tbring\tthem\tup.) The\tslowness\tof\tmen\tto\tbring\tup\tproblems\tin\ta\trelationship\tis\tno\tdoubt compounded\tby\ttheir\trelative\tlack\tof\tskill\twhen\tit\tcomes\tto\treading\tfacial expressions\tof\temotions.\tWomen,\tfor\texample,\tare\tmore\tsensitive\tto\ta\tsad expression\ton\ta\tman's\tface\tthan\tare\tmen\tin\tdetecting\tsadness\tfrom\ta\twoman's expression.11\tThus\ta\twoman\thas\tto\tbe\tall\tthe\tsadder\tfor\ta\tman\tto\tnotice\ther feelings\tin\tthe\tfirst\tplace,\tlet\talone\tfor\thim\tto\traise\tthe\tquestion\tof\twhat\tis making\ther\tso\tsad. Consider\tthe\timplications\tof\tthis\temotional\tgender\tgap\tfor\thow\tcouples\thandle the\tgrievances\tand\tdisagreements\tthat\tany\tintimate\trelationship\tinevitably spawns.\tIn\tfact,\tspecific\tissues\tsuch\tas\thow\toften\ta\tcouple\thas\tsex,\thow\tto discipline\tthe\tchildren,\tor\thow\tmuch\tdebt\tand\tsavings\ta\tcouple\tfeels\tcomfortable with\tare\tnot\twhat\tmake\tor\tbreak\ta\tmarriage.\tRather,\tit\tis\thow\ta\tcouple\tdiscusses such\tsore\tpoints\tthat\tmatters\tmore\tfor\tthe\tfate\tof\ttheir\tmarriage.\tSimply\thaving reached\tan\tagreement\tabout\thow\tto\tdisagree\tis\tkey\tto\tmarital\tsurvival;\tmen\tand women\thave\tto\tovercome\tthe\tinnate\tgender\tdifferences\tin\tapproaching\trocky emotions.\tFailing\tthis,\tcouples\tare\tvulnerable\tto\temotional\trifts\tthat\teventually can\ttear\ttheir\trelationship\tapart.\tAs\twe\tshall\tsee,\tthese\trifts\tare\tfar\tmore\tlikely\tto develop\tif\tone\tor\tboth\tpartners\thave\tcertain\tdeficits\tin\temotional\tintelligence. MARITAL\tFAULT\tLINES Fred:\tDid\tyou\tpick\tup\tmy\tdry\tcleaning? Ingrid:\t(In\ta\tmocking\ttone)\t\\\"Did\tyou\tpick\tup\tmy\tdry\tcleaning.\\\"\tPick\tup your\town\tdamn\tdry\tcleaning.\tWhat\tam\tI,\tyour\tmaid? Fred:\tHardly.\tIf\tyou\twere\ta\tmaid,\tat\tleast\tyou'd\tknow\thow\tto\tclean.","If\tthis\twere\tdialogue\tfrom\ta\tsitcom,\tit\tmight\tbe\tamusing.\tBut\tthis\tpainfully caustic\tinterchange\twas\tbetween\ta\tcouple\twho\t(perhaps\tnot\tsurprisingly) divorced\twithin\tthe\tnext\tfew\tyears.12\tTheir\tencounter\ttook\tplace\tin\ta\tlaboratory run\tby\tJohn\tGottman,\ta\tUniversity\tof\tWashington\tpsychologist\twho\thas\tdone perhaps\tthe\tmost\tdetailed\tanalysis\tever\tof\tthe\temotional\tglue\tthat\tbinds\tcouples together\tand\tthe\tcorrosive\tfeelings\tthat\tcan\tdestroy\tmarriages.13\tIn\this laboratory,\tcouples'\tconversations\tare\tvideotaped\tand\tthen\tsubjected\tto\thours\tof microanalysis\tdesigned\tto\treveal\tthe\tsubterranean\temotional\tcurrents\tat\tplay. This\tmapping\tof\tthe\tfault\tlines\tthat\tmay\tlead\ta\tcouple\tto\tdivorce\tmakes\ta convincing\tcase\tfor\tthe\tcrucial\trole\tof\temotional\tintelligence\tin\tthe\tsurvival\tof\ta marriage. During\tthe\tlast\ttwo\tdecades\tGottman\thas\ttracked\tthe\tups\tand\tdowns\tof\tmore than\ttwo\thundred\tcouples,\tsome\tjust\tnewlyweds,\tothers\tmarried\tfor\tdecades. Gottman\thas\tcharted\tthe\temotional\tecology\tof\tmarriage\twith\tsuch\tprecision\tthat, in\tone\tstudy,\the\twas\table\tto\tpredict\twhich\tcouples\tseen\tin\this\tlab\t(like\tFred\tand Ingrid,\twhose\tdiscussion\tof\tgetting\tthe\tdry\tcleaning\twas\tso\tacrimonious)\twould divorce\twithin\tthree\tyears\twith\t94\tpercent\taccuracy,\ta\tprecision\tunheard\tof\tin marital\tstudies! The\tpower\tof\tGottman's\tanalysis\tcomes\tfrom\this\tpainstaking\tmethod\tand\tthe thoroughness\tof\this\tprobes.\tWhile\tthe\tcouples\ttalk,\tsensors\trecord\tthe\tslightest flux\tin\ttheir\tphysiology;\ta\tsecond-by-second\tanalysis\tof\ttheir\tfacial\texpressions (using\tthe\tsystem\tfor\treading\temotions\tdeveloped\tby\tPaul\tEkman)\tdetects\tthe most\tfleeting\tand\tsubtle\tnuance\tof\tfeeling.\tAfter\ttheir\tsession,\teach\tpartner comes\tseparately\tto\tthe\tlab\tand\twatches\ta\tvideotape\tof\tthe\tconversation,\tand narrates\this\tor\ther\tsecret\tthoughts\tduring\tthe\theated\tmoments\tof\tthe\texchange. The\tresult\tis\takin\tto\tan\temotional\tX-ray\tof\tthe\tmarriage. An\tearly\twarning\tsignal\tthat\ta\tmarriage\tis\tin\tdanger,\tGottman\tfinds,\tis\tharsh criticism.\tIn\ta\thealthy\tmarriage\thusband\tand\twife\tfeel\tfree\tto\tvoice\ta\tcomplaint. But\ttoo\toften\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tanger\tcomplaints\tare\texpressed\tin\ta\tdestructive fashion,\tas\tan\tattack\ton\tthe\tspouse's\tcharacter.\tFor\texample,\tPamela\tand\ther daughter\twent\tshoe\tshopping\twhile\ther\thusband,\tTom,\twent\tto\ta\tbookstore. They\tagreed\tto\tmeet\tin\tfront\tof\tthe\tpost\toffice\tin\tan\thour,\tand\tthen\tgo\tto\ta matinee.\tPamela\twas\tprompt,\tbut\tthere\twas\tno\tsign\tof\tTom.\t\\\"Where\tis\the?\tThe movie\tstarts\tin\tten\tminutes,\\\"\tPamela\tcomplained\tto\ther\tdaughter.\t\\\"If\tthere's\ta way\tfor\tyour\tfather\tto\tscrew\tsomething\tup,\the\twill.\\\" When\tTom\tshowed\tup\tten\tminutes\tlater,\thappy\tabout\thaving\trun\tinto\ta\tfriend and\tapologizing\tfor\tbeing\tlate,\tPamela\tlashed\tout\twith\tsarcasm:\t\\\"That's\tokay\u2014it gave\tus\ta\tchance\tto\tdiscuss\tyour\tamazing\tability\tto\tscrew\tup\tevery\tsingle\tplan","gave\tus\ta\tchance\tto\tdiscuss\tyour\tamazing\tability\tto\tscrew\tup\tevery\tsingle\tplan we\tmake.\tYou're\tso\tthoughtless\tand\tself-centered!\\\" Pamela's\tcomplaint\tis\tmore\tthan\tthat:\tit\tis\ta\tcharacter\tassassination,\ta\tcritique of\tthe\tperson,\tnot\tthe\tdeed.\tIn\tfact,\tTom\thad\tapologized.\tBut\tfor\tthis\tlapse Pamela\tbrands\thim\tas\t\\\"thoughtless\tand\tself-centered.\\\"\tMost\tcouples\thave moments\tlike\tthis\tfrom\ttime\tto\ttime,\twhere\ta\tcomplaint\tabout\tsomething\ta partner\thas\tdone\tis\tvoiced\tas\tan\tattack\tagainst\tthe\tperson\trather\tthan\tthe\tdeed. But\tthese\tharsh\tpersonal\tcriticisms\thave\ta\tfar\tmore\tcorrosive\temotional\timpact than\tdo\tmore\treasoned\tcomplaints.\tAnd\tsuch\tattacks,\tperhaps\tunderstandably, become\tmore\tlikely\tthe\tmore\ta\thusband\tor\twife\tfeels\ttheir\tcomplaints\tgo unheard\tor\tignored. The\tdifferences\tbetween\tcomplaints\tand\tpersonal\tcriticisms\tare\tsimple.\tIn\ta complaint,\ta\twife\tstates\tspecifically\twhat\tis\tupsetting\ther,\tand\tcriticizes\ther husband's\taction,\tnot\ther\thusband,\tsaying\thow\tit\tmade\ther\tfeel:\t\\\"When\tyou forgot\tto\tpick\tup\tmy\tclothes\tat\tthe\tcleaner's\tit\tmade\tme\tfeel\tlike\tyou\tdon't\tcare about\tme.\\\"\tIt\tis\tan\texpression\tof\tbasic\temotional\tintelligence:\tassertive,\tnot belligerent\tor\tpassive.\tBut\tin\ta\tpersonal\tcriticism\tshe\tuses\tthe\tspecific\tgrievance to\tlaunch\ta\tglobal\tattack\ton\ther\thusband:\t\\\"You're\talways\tso\tselfish\tand\tuncaring. It\tjust\tproves\tI\tcan't\ttrust\tyou\tto\tdo\tanything\tright.\\\"\tThis\tkind\tof\tcriticism\tleaves the\tperson\ton\tthe\treceiving\tend\tfeeling\tashamed,\tdisliked,\tblamed,\tand\tdefective \u2014all\tof\twhich\tare\tmore\tlikely\tto\tlead\tto\ta\tdefensive\tresponse\tthan\tto\tsteps\tto improve\tthings. All\tthe\tmore\tso\twhen\tthe\tcriticism\tcomes\tladen\twith\tcontempt,\ta\tparticularly destructive\temotion.\tContempt\tcomes\teasily\twith\tanger;\tit\tis\tusually\texpressed not\tjust\tin\tthe\twords\tused,\tbut\talso\tin\ta\ttone\tof\tvoice\tand\tan\tangry\texpression. Its\tmost\tobvious\tform,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tmockery\tor\tinsult\u2014\\\"jerk,\\\"\t\\\"bitch,\\\"\t\\\"wimp.\\\" But\tjust\tas\thurtful\tis\tthe\tbody\tlanguage\tthat\tconveys\tcontempt,\tparticularly\tthe sneer\tor\tcurled\tlip\tthat\tare\tthe\tuniversal\tfacial\tsignals\tfor\tdisgust,\tor\ta\trolling\tof the\teyes,\tas\tif\tto\tsay,\t\\\"Oh,\tbrother!\\\" Contempt's\tfacial\tsignature\tis\ta\tcontraction\tof\tthe\t\\\"dimpler,\\\"\tthe\tmuscle\tthat pulls\tthe\tcorners\tof\tthe\tmouth\tto\tthe\tside\t(usually\tthe\tleft)\twhile\tthe\teyes\troll upward.\tWhen\tone\tspouse\tflashes\tthis\texpression,\tthe\tother,\tin\ta\ttacit\temotional exchange,\tregisters\ta\tjump\tin\theart\trate\tof\ttwo\tor\tthree\tbeats\tper\tminute.\tThis hidden\tconversation\ttakes\tits\ttoll;\tif\ta\thusband\tshows\tcontempt\tregularly, Gottman\tfound,\this\twife\twill\tbe\tmore\tprone\tto\ta\trange\tof\thealth\tproblems,\tfrom frequent\tcolds\tand\tflus\tto\tbladder\tand\tyeast\tinfections,\tas\twell\tas\tgastrointestinal symptoms.\tAnd\twhen\ta\twife's\tface\tshows\tdisgust,\ta\tnear\tcousin\tof\tcontempt, four\tor\tmore\ttimes\twithin\ta\tfifteen-minute\tconversation,\tit\tis\ta\tsilent\tsign\tthat","four\tor\tmore\ttimes\twithin\ta\tfifteen-minute\tconversation,\tit\tis\ta\tsilent\tsign\tthat the\tcouple\tis\tlikely\tto\tseparate\twithin\tfour\tyears. Of\tcourse,\tan\toccasional\tshow\tof\tcontempt\tor\tdisgust\twill\tnot\tundo\ta marriage.\tRather,\tsuch\temotional\tvolleys\tare\takin\tto\tsmoking\tand\thigh cholesterol\tas\trisk\tfactors\tfor\theart\tdisease\u2014the\tmore\tintense\tand\tprolonged,\tthe greater\tthe\tdanger.\tOn\tthe\troad\tto\tdivorce,\tone\tof\tthese\tfactors\tpredicts\tthe\tnext, in\tan\tescalating\tscale\tof\tmisery.\tHabitual\tcriticism\tand\tcontempt\tor\tdisgust\tare danger\tsigns\tbecause\tthey\tindicate\tthat\ta\thusband\tor\twife\thas\tmade\ta\tsilent judgment\tfor\tthe\tworse\tabout\ttheir\tpartner.\tIn\this\tor\ther\tthoughts,\tthe\tspouse\tis the\tsubject\tof\tconstant\tcondemnation.\tSuch\tnegative\tand\thostile\tthinking\tleads naturally\tto\tattacks\tthat\tmake\tthe\tpartner\ton\tthe\treceiving\tend\tdefensive\u2014or ready\tto\tcounterattack\tin\treturn. The\ttwo\tarms\tof\tthe\tfight-or-flight\tresponse\teach\trepresent\tways\ta\tspouse\tcan respond\tto\tan\tattack.\tThe\tmost\tobvious\tis\tto\tfight\tback,\tlashing\tout\tin\tanger. That\troute\ttypically\tends\tin\ta\tfruitless\tshouting\tmatch.\tBut\tthe\talternative response,\tfleeing,\tcan\tbe\tmore\tpernicious,\tparticularly\twhen\tthe\t\\\"flight\\\"\tis\ta retreat\tinto\tstony\tsilence. Stonewalling\tis\tthe\tultimate\tdefense.\tThe\tstone\twaller\tjust\tgoes\tblank,\tin effect\twithdrawing\tfrom\tthe\tconversation\tby\tresponding\twith\ta\tstony\texpression and\tsilence.\tStonewalling\tsends\ta\tpowerful,\tunnerving\tmessage,\tsomething\tlike a\tcombination\tof\ticy\tdistance,\tsuperiority,\tand\tdistaste.\tStonewalling\tshowed\tup mainly\tin\tmarriages\tthat\twere\theading\tfor\ttrouble;\tin\t85\tpercent\tof\tthese\tcases\tit was\tthe\thusband\twho\tstonewalled\tin\tresponse\tto\ta\twife\twho\tattacked\twith criticism\tand\tcontempt.14\tAs\ta\thabitual\tresponse\tstonewalling\tis\tdevastating\tto the\thealth\tof\ta\trelationship:\tit\tcuts\toff\tall\tpossibility\tof\tworking\tout disagreements. TOXIC\tTHOUGHTS The\tchildren\tare\tbeing\trambunctious,\tand\tMartin,\ttheir\tfather,\tis\tgetting annoyed.\tHe\tturns\tto\this\twife,\tMelanie,\tand\tsays\tin\ta\tsharp\ttone,\t\\\"Dear,\tdon't you\tthink\tthe\tkids\tcould\tquiet\tdown?\\\" His\tactual\tthought:\t\\\"She's\ttoo\teasy\ton\tthe\tkids.\\\" Melanie,\tresponding\tto\this\tire,\tfeels\ta\tsurge\tof\tanger.\tHer\tface\tgrows\ttaut,\ther brows\tknit\tin\ta\tfrown,\tand\tshe\treplies,\t\\\"The\tkids\tare\thaving\ta\tgood\ttime. Anyhow,\tthey'll\tbe\tgoing\tup\tto\tbed\tsoon.\\\" Her\tthought:\t\\\"There\the\tgoes\tagain,\tcomplaining\tall\tthe\ttime.\\\" Martin\tnow\tis\tvisibly\tenraged.\tHe\tleans\tforward\tmenacingly,\this\tfists","Martin\tnow\tis\tvisibly\tenraged.\tHe\tleans\tforward\tmenacingly,\this\tfists clenched,\tas\the\tsays\tin\tan\tannoyed\ttone,\t\\\"Should\tI\tput\tthem\tto\tbed\tnow?\\\" His\tthought:\t\\\"She\topposes\tme\tin\teverything.\tI'd\tbetter\ttake\tover.\\\" Melanie,\tsuddenly\tfrightened\tby\tMartin's\twrath,\tsays\tmeekly,\t\\\"No,\tI'll\tput them\tto\tbed\tright\taway.\\\" Her\tthought:\t\\\"He's\tgetting\tout\tof\tcontrol\u2014he\tcould\thurt\tthe\tkids.\tI'd\tbetter give\tin.\\\" These\tparallel\tconversations\u2014the\tspoken\tand\tthe\tsilent\u2014are\treported\tby Aaron\tBeck,\tthe\tfounder\tof\tcognitive\ttherapy,\tas\tan\texample\tof\tthe\tkinds\tof thinking\tthat\tcan\tpoison\ta\tmarriage.15\tThe\treal\temotional\texchange\tbetween Melanie\tand\tMartin\tis\tshaped\tby\ttheir\tthoughts,\tand\tthose\tthoughts,\tin\tturn,\tare determined\tby\tanother,\tdeeper\tlayer,\twhich\tBeck\tcalls\t\\\"automatic\tthoughts\\\"\u2014 fleeting,\tbackground\tassumptions\tabout\toneself\tand\tthe\tpeople\tin\tone's\tlife\tthat reflect\tour\tdeepest\temotional\tattitudes.\tFor\tMelanie\tthe\tbackground\tthought\tis something\tlike,\t\\\"He's\talways\tbullying\tme\twith\this\tanger.\\\"\tFor\tMartin,\tthe\tkey thought\tis,\t\\\"She\thas\tno\tright\tto\ttreat\tme\tlike\tthis.\\\"\tMelanie\tfeels\tlike\tan\tinnocent victim\tin\ttheir\tmarriage,\tand\tMartin\tfeels\trighteous\tindignation\tat\twhat\the\tfeels is\tunjust\ttreatment. Thoughts\tof\tbeing\tan\tinnocent\tvictim\tor\tof\trighteous\tindignation\tare\ttypical\tof partners\tin\ttroubled\tmarriages,\tcontinually\tfueling\tanger\tand\thurt.16\tOnce distressing\tthoughts\tsuch\tas\trighteous\tindignation\tbecome\tautomatic,\tthey\tare self-confirming:\tthe\tpartner\twho\tfeels\tvictimized\tis\tconstantly\tscanning everything\this\tpartner\tdoes\tthat\tmight\tconfirm\tthe\tview\tthat\tshe\tis\tvictimizing him,\tignoring\tor\tdiscounting\tany\tacts\tof\tkindness\ton\ther\tpart\tthat\twould\tquestion or\tdisconfirm\tthat\tview. These\tthoughts\tare\tpowerful;\tthey\ttrip\tthe\tneural\talarm\tsystem.\tOnce\tthe husband's\tthought\tof\tbeing\tvictimized\ttriggers\tan\temotional\thijacking,\the\twill for\tthe\ttime\tbeing\teasily\tcall\tto\tmind\tand\truminate\ton\ta\tlist\tof\tgrievances\tthat remind\thim\tof\tthe\tways\tshe\tvictimizes\thim,\twhile\tnot\trecalling\tanything\tshe may\thave\tdone\tin\ttheir\tentire\trelationship\tthat\twould\tdisconfirm\tthe\tview\tthat\the is\tan\tinnocent\tvictim.\tIt\tputs\this\tspouse\tin\ta\tno-win\tsituation:\teven\tthings\tshe does\tthat\tare\tintentionally\tkind\tcan\tbe\treinterpreted\twhen\tviewed\tthrough\tsuch\ta negative\tlens\tand\tdismissed\tas\tfeeble\tattempts\tto\tdeny\tshe\tis\ta\tvictimizes Partners\twho\tare\tfree\tof\tsuch\tdistress-triggering\tviews\tcan\tentertain\ta\tmore benign\tinterpretation\tof\twhat\tis\tgoing\ton\tin\tthe\tsame\tsituations,\tand\tso\tare\tless likely\tto\thave\tsuch\ta\thijacking,\tor\tif\tthey\tdo,\ttend\tto\trecover\tfrom\tit\tmore readily.\tThe\tgeneral\ttemplate\tfor\tthoughts\tthat\tmaintain\tor\talleviate\tdistress follows\tthe\tpattern\toutlined\tin\tChapter\t6\tby\tpsychologist\tMartin\tSeligman\tfor","follows\tthe\tpattern\toutlined\tin\tChapter\t6\tby\tpsychologist\tMartin\tSeligman\tfor pessimistic\tand\toptimistic\toutlooks.\tThe\tpessimistic\tview\tis\tthat\tthe\tpartner\tis inherently\tflawed\tin\ta\tway\tthat\tcannot\tchange\tand\tthat\tguarantees\tmisery:\t\\\"He's selfish\tand\tself-absorbed;\tthat's\tthe\tway\the\twas\tbrought\tup\tand\tthat's\tthe\tway\the will\talways\tbe;\the\texpects\tme\tto\twait\ton\thim\thand\tand\tfoot\tand\the\tcouldn't\tcare less\tabout\thow\tI\tfeel.\\\"\tThe\tcontrasting\toptimistic\tview\twould\tbe\tsomething\tlike: \\\"He's\tbeing\tdemanding\tnow,\tbut\the's\tbeen\tthoughtful\tin\tthe\tpast;\tmaybe\the's\tin\ta bad\tmood\u2014I\twonder\tif\tsomething's\tbothering\thim\tabout\this\twork.\\\"\tThis\tis\ta view\tthat\tdoes\tnot\twrite\toff\tthe\thusband\t(or\tthe\tmarriage)\tas\tirredeemably damaged\tand\thopeless.\tInstead\tit\tsees\ta\tbad\tmoment\tas\tdue\tto\tcircumstances\tthat can\tchange.\tThe\tfirst\tattitude\tbrings\tcontinual\tdistress;\tthe\tsecond\tsoothes. Partners\twho\ttake\tthe\tpessimistic\tstance\tare\textremely\tprone\tto\temotional hijackings;\tthey\tget\tangry,\thurt,\tor\totherwise\tdistressed\tby\tthings\ttheir\tspouses do,\tand\tthey\tstay\tdisturbed\tonce\tthe\tepisode\tbegins.\tTheir\tinternal\tdistress\tand pessimistic\tattitude,\tof\tcourse,\tmakes\tit\tfar\tmore\tlikely\tthey\twill\tresort\tto criticism\tand\tcontempt\tin\tconfronting\tthe\tpartner,\twhich\tin\tturn\theightens\tthe likelihood\tof\tdefensiveness\tand\tstonewalling. Perhaps\tthe\tmost\tvirulent\tof\tsuch\ttoxic\tthoughts\tare\tfound\tin\thusbands\twho are\tphysically\tviolent\tto\ttheir\twives.\tA\tstudy\tof\tviolent\thusbands\tby psychologists\tat\tIndiana\tUniversity\tfound\tthat\tthese\tmen\tthink\tlike\tschoolyard bullies:\tthey\tread\thostile\tintent\tinto\teven\tneutral\tactions\tby\ttheir\twives,\tand\tuse this\tmisreading\tto\tjustify\tto\tthemselves\ttheir\town\tviolence\t(men\twho\tare sexually\taggressive\twith\tdates\tdo\tsomething\tsimilar,\tviewing\tthe\twomen\twith suspicion\tand\tso\tdisregarding\ttheir\tobjections).17\tAs\twe\tsaw\tin\tChapter\t7,\tsuch men\tare\tparticularly\tthreatened\tby\tperceived\tslights,\trejection,\tor\tpublic embarrassment\tby\ttheir\twives.\tA\ttypical\tscenario\tthat\ttriggers\tthoughts \\\"justifying\\\"\tviolence\tin\twife-batterers:\t\\\"You\tare\tat\ta\tsocial\tgathering\tand\tyou notice\tthat\tfor\tthe\tpast\thalf\thour\tyour\twife\thas\tbeen\ttalking\tand\tlaughing\twith the\tsame\tattractive\tman.\tHe\tseems\tto\tbe\tflirting\twith\ther.\\\"\tWhen\tthese\tmen perceive\ttheir\twives\tas\tdoing\tsomething\tsuggesting\trejection\tor\tabandonment, their\treactions\trun\tto\tindignation\tand\toutrage.\tPresumably,\tautomatic\tthoughts like\t\\\"She's\tgoing\tto\tleave\tme\\\"\tare\ttriggers\tfor\tan\temotional\thijacking\tin\twhich battering\thusbands\trespond\timpulsively,\tas\tthe\tresearchers\tput\tit,\twith \\\"incompetent\tbehavioral\tresponses\\\"\u2014they\tbecome\tviolent.18 FLOODING:\tTHE\tSWAMPING\tOF\tA\tMARRIAGE The\tnet\teffect\tof\tthese\tdistressing\tattitudes\tis\tto\tcreate\tincessant\tcrisis,\tsince\tthey","trigger\temotional\thijackings\tmore\toften\tand\tmake\tit\tharder\tto\trecover\tfrom\tthe resulting\thurt\tand\trage.\tGottman\tuses\tthe\tapt\tterm\tflooding\tfor\tthis\tsusceptibility to\tfrequent\temotional\tdistress;\tflooded\thusbands\tor\twives\tare\tso\toverwhelmed by\ttheir\tpartner's\tnegativity\tand\ttheir\town\treaction\tto\tit\tthat\tthey\tare\tswamped\tby dreadful,\tout-of-control\tfeelings.\tPeople\twho\tare\tflooded\tcannot\thear\twithout distortion\tor\trespond\twith\tclear-headedness;\tthey\tfind\tit\thard\tto\torganize\ttheir thinking,\tand\tthey\ttall\tback\ton\tprimitive\treactions.\tThey\tjust\twant\tthings\tto\tstop, or\twant\tto\trun\tor,\tsometimes,\tto\tstrike\tback.\tFlooding\tis\ta\tself-perpetuating emotional\thijacking. Some\tpeople\thave\thigh\tthresholds\tfor\tflooding,\teasily\tenduring\tanger\tand contempt,\twhile\tothers\tmay\tbe\ttriggered\tthe\tmoment\ttheir\tspouse\tmakes\ta\tmild criticism.\tThe\ttechnical\tdescription\tof\tflooding\tis\tin\tterms\tof\theart\trate\trise\tfrom calm\tlevels.19\tAt\trest,\twomen's\theart\trates\tare\tabout\t82\tbeats\tper\tminute,\tmen's about\t72\t(the\tspecific\theart\trate\tvaries\tmainly\taccording\tto\ta\tperson's\tbody\tsize). Flooding\tbegins\tat\tabout\t10\tbeats\tper\tminute\tabove\ta\tperson's\tresting\trate;\tif\tthe heart\trate\treaches\t100\tbeats\tper\tminute\t(as\tit\teasily\tcan\tdo\tduring\tmoments\tof rage\tor\ttears),\tthen\tthe\tbody\tis\tpumping\tadrenaline\tand\tother\thormones\tthat\tkeep the\tdistress\thigh\tfor\tsome\ttime.\tThe\tmoment\tof\temotional\thijacking\tis\tapparent from\tthe\theart\trate:\tit\tcan\tjump\t10,\t20,\tor\teven\tas\tmany\tas\t30\tbeats\tper\tminute within\tthe\tspace\tof\ta\tsingle\theartbeat.\tMuscles\ttense;\tit\tcan\tseem\thard\tto\tbreathe. There\tis\ta\tswamp\tof\ttoxic\tfeelings,\tan\tunpleasant\twash\tof\tfear\tand\tanger\tthat seems\tinescapable\tand,\tsubjectively,\ttakes\t\\\"forever\\\"\tto\tget\tover.\tAt\tthis\tpoint\u2014 full\thijacking\u2014a\tperson's\temotions\tare\tso\tintense,\ttheir\tperspective\tso\tnarrow, and\ttheir\tthinking\tso\tconfused\tthat\tthere\tis\tno\thope\tof\ttaking\tthe\tother's viewpoint\tor\tsettling\tthings\tin\ta\treasonable\tway. Of\tcourse,\tmost\thusbands\tand\twives\thave\tsuch\tintense\tmoments\tfrom\ttime\tto time\twhen\tthey\tfight\u2014it's\tonly\tnatural.\tThe\tproblem\tfor\ta\tmarriage\tbegins\twhen one\tor\tanother\tspouse\tfeels\tflooded\talmost\tcontinually.\tThen\tthe\tpartner\tfeels overwhelmed\tby\tthe\tother\tpartner,\tis\talways\ton\tguard\tfor\tan\temotional\tassault\tor injustice,\tbecomes\thypervigilant\tfor\tany\tsign\tof\tattack,\tinsult,\tor\tgrievance,\tand is\tsure\tto\toverreact\tto\teven\tthe\tleast\tsign.\tIf\ta\thusband\tis\tin\tsuch\ta\tstate,\this\twife saying,\t\\\"Honey,\twe've\tgot\tto\ttalk,\\\"\tcan\telicit\tthe\treactive\tthought,\t\\\"She's\tpicking a\tfight\tagain,\\\"\tand\tso\ttrigger\tflooding.\tIt\tbecomes\tharder\tand\tharder\tto\trecover from\tthe\tphysiological\tarousal,\twhich\tin\tturn\tmakes\tit\teasier\tfor\tinnocuous exchanges\tto\tbe\tseen\tin\ta\tsinister\tlight,\ttriggering\tflooding\tall\tover\tagain. This\tis\tperhaps\tthe\tmost\tdangerous\tturning\tpoint\tfor\tmarriage,\ta\tcatastrophic shift\tin\tthe\trelationship.\tThe\tflooded\tpartner\thas\tcome\tto\tthink\tthe\tworst\tof\tthe spouse\tvirtually\tall\tthe\ttime,\treading\teverything\tshe\tdoes\tin\ta\tnegative\tlight.","spouse\tvirtually\tall\tthe\ttime,\treading\teverything\tshe\tdoes\tin\ta\tnegative\tlight. Small\tissues\tbecome\tmajor\tbattles;\tfeelings\tare\thurt\tcontinually.\tWith\ttime,\tthe partner\twho\tis\tbeing\tflooded\tstarts\tto\tsee\tany\tand\tall\tproblems\tin\tthe\tmarriage\tas severe\tand\timpossible\tto\tfix,\tsince\tthe\tflooding\titself\tsabotages\tany\tattempt\tto work\tthings\tout.\tAs\tthis\tcontinues\tit\tbegins\tto\tseem\tuseless\tto\ttalk\tthings\tover, and\tthe\tpartners\ttry\tto\tsoothe\ttheir\ttroubled\tfeelings\ton\ttheir\town.\tThey\tstart leading\tparallel\tlives,\tessentially\tliving\tin\tisolation\tfrom\teach\tother,\tand\tfeel alone\twithin\tthe\tmarriage.\tAll\ttoo\toften,\tGottman\tfinds,\tthe\tnext\tstep\tis\tdivorce. In\tthis\ttrajectory\ttoward\tdivorce\tthe\ttragic\tconsequences\tof\tdeficits\tin emotional\tcompetences\tare\tself-evident.\tAs\ta\tcouple\tgets\tcaught\tin\tthe reverberating\tcycle\tof\tcriticism\tand\tcontempt,\tdefensiveness\tand\tstonewalling, distressing\tthoughts\tand\temotional\tflooding,\tthe\tcycle\titself\treflects\ta disintegration\tof\temotional\tself-awareness\tand\tself-control,\tof\tempathy\tand\tthe abilities\tto\tsoothe\teach\tother\tand\toneself. MEN:\tTHE\tVULNERABLE\tSEX Back\tto\tgender\tdifferences\tin\temotional\tlife,\twhich\tprove\tto\tbe\ta\thidden\tspur\tto marital\tmeltdowns.\tConsider\tthis\tfinding:\tEven\tafter\tthirty-five\tor\tmore\tyears\tof marriage,\tthere\tis\ta\tbasic\tdistinction\tbetween\thusbands\tand\twives\tin\thow\tthey regard\temotional\tencounters.\tWomen,\ton\taverage,\tdo\tnot\tmind\tplunging\tinto\tthe unpleasantness\tof\ta\tmarital\tsquabble\tnearly\tso\tmuch\tas\tdo\tthe\tmen\tin\ttheir\tlives. That\tconclusion,\treached\tin\ta\tstudy\tby\tRobert\tLevenson\tat\tthe\tUniversity\tof California\tat\tBerkeley,\tis\tbased\ton\tthe\ttestimony\tof\t151\tcouples,\tall\tin\tlong- lasting\tmarriages.\tLevenson\tfound\tthat\thusbands\tuniformly\tfound\tit\tunpleasant, even\taversive,\tto\tbecome\tupset\tduring\ta\tmarital\tdisagreement,\twhile\ttheir\twives did\tnot\tmind\tit\tmuch.20 Husbands\tare\tprone\tto\tflooding\tat\ta\tlower\tintensity\tof\tnegativity\tthan\tare\ttheir wives;\tmore\tmen\tthan\twomen\treact\tto\ttheir\tspouse's\tcriticism\twith\tflooding. Once\tflooded,\thusbands\tsecrete\tmore\tadrenaline\tinto\ttheir\tbloodstream,\tand\tthe adrenaline\tflow\tis\ttriggered\tby\tlower\tlevels\tof\tnegativity\ton\ttheir\twife's\tpart;\tit takes\thusbands\tlonger\tto\trecover\tphysiologically\tfrom\tflooding.21\tThis\tsuggests the\tpossibility\tthat\tthe\tstoic,\tClint\tEastwood\ttype\tof\tmale\timperturbability\tmay represent\ta\tdefense\tagainst\tfeeling\temotionally\toverwhelmed. The\treason\tmen\tare\tso\tlikely\tto\tstonewall,\tGottman\tproposes,\tis\tto\tprotect themselves\tfrom\tflooding;\this\tresearch\tshowed\tthat\tonce\tthey\tbegan stonewalling,\ttheir\theart\trates\tdropped\tby\tabout\tten\tbeats\tper\tminute,\tbringing\ta subjective\tsense\tof\trelief.\tBut\u2014and\there's\ta\tparadox\u2014once\tthe\tmen\tstarted stonewalling,\tit\twas\tthe\twives\twhose\theart\trate\tshot\tup\tto\tlevels\tsignaling\thigh","stonewalling,\tit\twas\tthe\twives\twhose\theart\trate\tshot\tup\tto\tlevels\tsignaling\thigh distress.\tThis\tlimbic\ttango,\twith\teach\tsex\tseeking\tcomfort\tin\topposing\tgambits, leads\tto\ta\tvery\tdifferent\tstance\ttoward\temotional\tconfrontations:\tmen\twant\tto avoid\tthem\tas\tfervently\tas\ttheir\twives\tfeel\tcompelled\tto\tseek\tthem. Just\tas\tmen\tare\tfar\tmore\tlikely\tto\tbe\tstonewallers,\tso\tthe\twomen\tare\tmore likely\tto\tcriticize\ttheir\thusbands.22\tThis\tasymmetry\tarises\tas\ta\tresult\tof\twives pursuing\ttheir\trole\tas\temotional\tmanagers.\tAs\tthey\ttry\tto\tbring\tup\tand\tresolve disagreements\tand\tgrievances,\ttheir\thusbands\tare\tmore\treluctant\tto\tengage\tin what\tare\tbound\tto\tbe\theated\tdiscussions.\tAs\tthe\twife\tsees\ther\thusband\twithdraw from\tengagement,\tshe\tups\tthe\tvolume\tand\tintensity\tof\ther\tcomplaint,\tstarting\tto criticize\thim.\tAs\the\tbecomes\tdefensive\tor\tstonewalls\tin\treturn,\tshe\tfeels frustrated\tand\tangry,\tand\tso\tadds\tcontempt\tto\tunderscore\tthe\tstrength\tof\ther frustration.\tAs\ther\thusband\tfinds\thimself\tthe\tobject\tof\this\twife's\tcriticism\tand contempt,\the\tbegins\tto\tfall\tinto\tthe\tinnocent-victim\tor\trighteous-indignation thoughts\tthat\tmore\tand\tmore\teasily\ttrigger\tflooding.\tTo\tprotect\thimself\tfrom flooding,\the\tbecomes\tmore\tand\tmore\tdefensive\tor\tsimply\tstonewalls\taltogether. But\twhen\thusbands\tstonewall,\tremember,\tit\ttriggers\tflooding\tin\ttheir\twives,\twho feel\tcompletely\tstymied.\tAnd\tas\tthe\tcycle\tof\tmarital\tfights\tescalates\tit\tall\ttoo easily\tcan\tspin\tout\tof\tcontrol. HIS\tAND\tHERS:\tMARITAL\tADVICE Given\tthe\tgrim\tpotential\toutcome\tof\tthe\tdifferences\tin\thow\tmen\tand\twomen deal\twith\tdistressing\tfeelings\tin\ttheir\trelationship,\twhat\tcan\tcouples\tdo\tto\tprotect the\tlove\tand\taffection\tthey\tfeel\tfor\teach\tother\u2014in\tshort,\twhat\tprotects\ta marriage?\tOn\tthe\tbasis\tof\twatching\tinteraction\tin\tthe\tcouples\twhose\tmarriages have\tcontinued\tto\tthrive\tover\tthe\tyears,\tmarital\tresearchers\toffer\tspecific\tadvice for\tmen\tand\tfor\twomen,\tand\tsome\tgeneral\twords\tfor\tboth. Men\tand\twomen,\tin\tgeneral,\tneed\tdifferent\temotional\tfine-tuning.\tFor\tmen, the\tadvice\tis\tnot\tto\tsidestep\tconflict,\tbut\tto\trealize\tthat\twhen\ttheir\twife\tbrings\tup some\tgrievance\tor\tdisagreement,\tshe\tmay\tbe\tdoing\tit\tas\tan\tact\tof\tlove,\ttrying\tto keep\tthe\trelationship\thealthy\tand\ton\tcourse\t(although\tthere\tmay\twell\tbe\tother motives\tfor\ta\twife's\thostility).\tWhen\tgrievances\tsimmer,\tthey\tbuild\tand\tbuild\tin intensity\tuntil\tthere's\tan\texplosion;\twhen\tthey\tare\taired\tand\tworked\tout,\tit\ttakes the\tpressure\toff.\tBut\thusbands\tneed\tto\trealize\tthat\tanger\tor\tdiscontent\tis\tnot synonymous\twith\tpersonal\tattack\u2014their\twives'\temotions\tare\toften\tsimply underliners,\temphasizing\tthe\tstrength\tof\ther\tfeelings\tabout\tthe\tmatter. Men\talso\tneed\tto\tbe\ton\tguard\tagainst\tshort-circuiting\tthe\tdiscussion\tby","offering\ta\tpractical\tsolution\ttoo\tearly\ton\u2014it's\ttypically\tmore\timportant\tto\ta\twife that\tshe\tfeel\ther\thusband\thears\ther\tcomplaint\tand\tempathizes\twith\ther\tfeelings about\tthe\tmatter\t(though\the\tneed\tnot\tagree\twith\ther).\tShe\tmay\thear\this\toffering advice\tas\ta\tway\tof\tdismissing\ther\tfeelings\tas\tinconsequential.\tHusbands\twho\tare able\tto\tstay\twith\ttheir\twives\tthrough\tthe\theat\tof\tanger,\trather\tthan\tdismissing their\tcomplaints\tas\tpetty,\thelp\ttheir\twives\tfeel\theard\tand\trespected.\tMost especially,\twives\twant\tto\thave\ttheir\tfeelings\tacknowledged\tand\trespected\tas valid,\teven\tif\ttheir\thusbands\tdisagree.\tMore\toften\tthan\tnot,\twhen\ta\twife\tfeels\ther view\tis\theard\tand\ther\tfeelings\tregistered,\tshe\tcalms\tdown. As\tfor\twomen,\tthe\tadvice\tis\tquite\tparallel.\tSince\ta\tmajor\tproblem\tfor\tmen\tis that\ttheir\twives\tare\ttoo\tintense\tin\tvoicing\tcomplaints,\twives\tneed\tto\tmake\ta purposeful\teffort\tto\tbe\tcareful\tnot\tto\tattack\ttheir\thusbands\u2014to\tcomplain\tabout what\tthey\tdid,\tbut\tnot\tcriticize\tthem\tas\ta\tperson\tor\texpress\tcontempt. Complaints\tare\tnot\tattacks\ton\tcharacter,\tbut\trather\ta\tclear\tstatement\tthat\ta particular\taction\tis\tdistressing.\tAn\tangry\tpersonal\tattack\twill\talmost\tcertainly lead\tto\ta\thusband's\tgetting\tdefensive\tor\tstonewalling,\twhich\twill\tbe\tall\tthe\tmore frustrating,\tand\tonly\tescalate\tthe\tfight.\tIt\thelps,\ttoo,\tif\ta\twife's\tcomplaints\tare\tput in\tthe\tlarger\tcontext\tof\treassuring\ther\thusband\tof\ther\tlove\tfor\thim. THE\tGOOD\tFIGHT The\tmorning\tpaper\toffers\tan\tobject\tlesson\tin\thow\tnot\tto\tresolve\tdifferences\tin\ta marriage.\tMarlene\tLenick\thad\ta\tdispute\twith\ther\thusband,\tMichael:\the\twanted\tto watch\tthe\tDallas\tCowboys-Philadelphia\tEagles\tgame,\tshe\twanted\tto\twatch\tthe news.\tAs\the\tsettled\tdown\tto\twatch\tthe\tgame,\tMrs.\tLenick\ttold\thim\tthat\tshe\thad \\\"had\tenough\tof\tthat\tfootball,\\\"\twent\tinto\tthe\tbedroom\tto\tfetch\ta\t.38\tcaliber handgun,\tand\tshot\thim\ttwice\tas\the\tsat\twatching\tthe\tgame\tin\tthe\tden.\tMrs. Lenick\twas\tcharged\twith\taggravated\tassault\tand\tfreed\ton\ta\t$50,000\tbond;\tMr. Lenick\twas\tlisted\tin\tgood\tcondition,\trecovering\tfrom\tthe\tbullets\tthat\tgrazed\this abdomen\tand\ttunneled\tthrough\this\tleft\tshoulder\tblade\tand\tneck.23 While\tfew\tmarital\tfights\tare\tthat\tviolent\u2014or\tthat\tcostiy\u2014they\toffer\ta\tprime chance\tto\tbring\temotional\tintelligence\tto\tmarriage.\tFor\texample,\tcouples\tin marriages\tthat\tlast\ttend\tto\tstick\tto\tone\ttopic,\tand\tto\tgive\teach\tpartner\tthe\tchance to\tstate\ttheir\tpoint\tof\tview\tat\tthe\toutset.24\tBut\tthese\tcouples\tgo\tone\timportant step\tfurther:\tthey\tshow\teach\tother\tthat\tthey\tare\tbeing\tlistened\tto.\tSince\tfeeling heard\tis\toften\texactly\twhat\tthe\taggrieved\tpartner\treally\tis\tafter,\temotionally\tan act\tof\tempathy\tis\ta\tmasterly\ttension\treducer.","Most\tnotably\tmissing\tin\tcouples\twho\teventually\tdivorce\tare\tattempts\tby\teither partner\tin\tan\targument\tto\tde-escalate\tthe\ttension.\tThe\tpresence\tor\tabsence\tof ways\tto\trepair\ta\trift\tis\ta\tcrucial\tdifference\tbetween\tthe\tfights\tof\tcouples\twho have\ta\thealthy\tmarriage\tand\tthose\tof\tcouples\twho\teventually\tend\tup\tdivorcing.25 The\trepair\tmechanisms\tthat\tkeep\tan\targument\tfrom\tescalating\tinto\ta\tdire explosion\tare\tsimple\tmoves\tsuch\tas\tkeeping\tthe\tdiscussion\ton\ttrack, empathizing,\tand\ttension\treduction.\tThese\tbasic\tmoves\tare\tlike\tan\temotional thermostat,\tpreventing\tthe\tfeelings\tbeing\texpressed\tfrom\tboiling\tover\tand overwhelming\tthe\tpartners'\tability\tto\tfocus\ton\tthe\tissue\tat\thand. One\toverall\tstrategy\tfor\tmaking\ta\tmarriage\twork\tis\tnot\tto\tconcentrate\ton\tthe specific\tissues\u2014childrearing,\tsex,\tmoney,\thousework\u2014that\tcouples\tfight\tabout, but\trather\tto\tcultivate\ta\tcouple's\tshared\temotional\tintelligence,\tthereby improving\tthe\tchances\tof\tworking\tthings\tout.\tA\thandful\tof\temotional competences\u2014mainly\tbeing\table\tto\tcalm\tdown\t(and\tcalm\tyour\tpartner), empathy,\tand\tlistening\twell\u2014can\tmake\tit\tmore\tlikely\ta\tcouple\twill\tsettle\ttheir disagreements\teffectively.\tThese\tmake\tpossible\thealthy\tdisagreements,\tthe \\\"good\tfights\\\"\tthat\tallow\ta\tmarriage\tto\tflourish\tand\twhich\tovercome\tthe negativities\tthat,\tif\tleft\tto\tgrow,\tcan\tdestroy\ta\tmarriage.26 Of\tcourse,\tnone\tof\tthese\temotional\thabits\tchanges\tovernight;\tit\ttakes persistence\tand\tvigilance\tat\tthe\tvery\tleast.\tCouples\twill\tbe\table\tto\tmake\tthe\tkey changes\tin\tdirect\tproportion\tto\thow\tmotivated\tthey\tare\tto\ttry.\tMany\tor\tmost emotional\tresponses\ttriggered\tso\teasily\tin\tmarriage\thave\tbeen\tsculpted\tsince childhood,\tfirst\tlearned\tin\tour\tmost\tintimate\trelationships\tor\tmodeled\tfor\tus\tby our\tparents,\tand\tthen\tbrought\tto\tmarriage\tfully\tformed.\tAnd\tso\twe\tare\tprimed for\tcertain\temotional\thabits\u2014overreacting\tto\tperceived\tslights,\tsay,\tor\tshutting down\tat\tthe\tfirst\tsign\tof\ta\tconfrontation\u2014even\tthough\twe\tmay\thave\tsworn\tthat we\twould\tnot\tact\tlike\tour\tparents. Calming\tDown Every\tstrong\temotion\thas\tat\tits\troot\tan\timpulse\tto\taction;\tmanaging\tthose impulses\tis\tbasic\tto\temotional\tintelligence.\tThis\tcan\tbe\tparticularly\tdifficult, though,\tin\tlove\trelationships,\twhere\twe\thave\tso\tmuch\tat\tstake.\tThe\treactions triggered\there\ttouch\ton\tsome\tof\tour\tdeepest\tneeds\u2014to\tbe\tloved\tand\tfeel respected,\tfears\tof\tabandonment\tor\tof\tbeing\temotionally\tdeprived.\tSmall\twonder we\tcan\tact\tin\ta\tmarital\tfight\tas\tthough\tour\tvery\tsurvival\twere\tat\tstake. Even\tso,\tnothing\tgets\tresolved\tpositively\twhen\thusband\tor\twife\tis\tin\tthe\tmidst of\tan\temotional\thijacking.\tOne\tkey\tmarital\tcompetence\tis\tfor\tpartners\tto\tlearn\tto","of\tan\temotional\thijacking.\tOne\tkey\tmarital\tcompetence\tis\tfor\tpartners\tto\tlearn\tto soothe\ttheir\town\tdistressed\tfeelings.\tEssentially,\tthis\tmeans\tmastering\tthe\tability to\trecover\tquickly\tfrom\tthe\tflooding\tcaused\tby\tan\temotional\thijacking.\tBecause the\tability\tto\thear,\tthink,\tand\tspeak\twith\tclarity\tdissolves\tduring\tsuch\tan emotional\tpeak,\tcalming\tdown\tis\tan\timmensely\tconstructive\tstep,\twithout\twhich there\tcan\tbe\tno\tfurther\tprogress\tin\tsettling\twhat's\tat\tissue. Ambitious\tcouples\tcan\tlearn\tto\tmonitor\ttheir\tpulse\trates\tevery\tfive\tminutes\tor so\tduring\ta\ttroubling\tencounter,\tfeeling\tthe\tpulse\tat\tthe\tcarotid\tartery\ta\tfew inches\tbelow\tthe\tearlobe\tand\tjaw\t(people\twho\tdo\taerobic\tworkouts\tlearn\tto\tdo this\teasily).\t27\tCounting\tthe\tpulse\tfor\tfifteen\tseconds\tand\tmultiplying\tby\tfour gives\tthe\tpulse\trate\tin\tbeats\tper\tminute.\tDoing\tso\twhile\tfeeling\tcalm\tgives\ta baseline;\tif\tthe\tpulse\trate\trises\tmore\tthan,\tsay,\tten\tbeats\tper\tminute\tabove\tthat level,\tit\tsignals\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tflooding.\tIf\tthe\tpulse\tclimbs\tthis\tmuch,\ta\tcouple needs\ta\ttwenty-minute\tbreak\tfrom\teach\tother\tto\tcool\tdown\tbefore\tresuming\tthe discussion.\tAlthough\ta\tfive-minute\tbreak\tmay\tfeel\tlong\tenough,\tthe\tactual physiological\trecovery\ttime\tis\tmore\tgradual.\tAs\twe\tsaw\tin\tChapter\t5,\tresidual anger\ttriggers\tmore\tanger;\tthe\tlonger\twait\tgives\tthe\tbody\tmore\ttime\tto\trecover from\tthe\tearlier\tarousal. For\tcouples\twho,\tunderstandably,\tfind\tit\tawkward\tto\tmonitor\theart\trate\tduring a\tfight,\tit\tis\tsimpler\tto\thave\ta\tprestated\tagreement\tthat\tallows\tone\tor\tanother partner\tto\tcall\tthe\ttime-out\tat\tthe\tfirst\tsigns\tof\tflooding\tin\teither\tpartner.\tDuring that\ttime-out\tperiod,\tcooling\tdown\tcan\tbe\thelped\talong\tby\tengaging\tin\ta relaxation\ttechnique\tor\taerobic\texercise\t(or\tany\tof\tthe\tother\tmethods\twe explored\tin\tChapter\t5)\tthat\tmight\thelp\tthe\tpartners\trecover\tfrom\tthe\temotional hijacking. Detoxifying\tSelf-talk Because\tflooding\tis\ttriggered\tby\tnegative\tthoughts\tabout\tthe\tpartner,\tit\thelps\tif\ta husband\tor\twife\twho\tis\tbeing\tupset\tby\tsuch\tharsh\tjudgments\ttackles\tthem\thead- on.\tSentiments\tlike\t\\\"I'm\tnot\tgoing\tto\ttake\tthis\tanymore\\\"\tor\t\\\"I\tdon't\tdeserve\tthis kind\tof\ttreatment\\\"\tare\tinnocent-victim\tor\trighteous-indignation\tslogans.\tAs cognitive\ttherapist\tAaron\tBeck\tpoints\tout,\tby\tcatching\tthese\tthoughts\tand challenging\tthem\u2014rather\tthan\tsimply\tbeing\tenraged\tor\thurt\tby\tthem\u2014a husband\tor\twife\tcan\tbegin\tto\tbecome\tfree\tof\ttheir\thold.28 This\trequires\tmonitoring\tsuch\tthoughts,\trealizing\tthat\tone\tdoes\tnot\thave\tto believe\tthem,\tand\tmaking\tthe\tintentional\teffort\tto\tbring\tto\tmind\tevidence\tor perspectives\tthat\tput\tthem\tin\tquestion.\tFor\texample,\ta\twife\twho\tfeels\tin\tthe\theat of\tthe\tmoment\tthat\t\\\"he\tdoesn't\tcare\tabout\tmy\tneeds\u2014he's\talways\tso\tselfish\\\"","of\tthe\tmoment\tthat\t\\\"he\tdoesn't\tcare\tabout\tmy\tneeds\u2014he's\talways\tso\tselfish\\\" might\tchallenge\tthe\tthought\tby\treminding\therself\tof\ta\tnumber\tof\tthings\ther husband\thas\tdone\tthat\tare,\tin\tfact,\tthoughtful.\tThis\tallows\ther\tto\treframe\tthe thought\tas:\t\\\"Well,\the\tdoes\tshow\the\tcares\tabout\tme\tsometimes,\teven\tthough\twhat he\tjust\tdid\twas\tthoughtless\tand\tupsetting\tto\tme.\\\"\tThe\tlatter\tformulation\topens the\tpossibility\tof\tchange\tand\ta\tpositive\tresolution;\tthe\tformer\tonly\tfoments anger\tand\thurt. Nondefensive\tListening\tand\tSpeaking He:\t\\\"You're\tshouting!\\\" She:\t\\\"Of\tcourse\tI'm\tshouting\u2014you\thaven't\theard\ta\tword\tI'm\tsaying.\tYou\tjust don't\tlisten!\\\" Listening\tis\ta\tskill\tthat\tkeeps\tcouples\ttogether.\tEven\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tan argument,\twhen\tboth\tare\tseized\tby\temotional\thijackings,\tone\tor\tthe\tother,\tand sometimes\tboth,\tcan\tmanage\tto\tlisten\tpast\tthe\tanger,\tand\thear\tand\trespond\tto\ta partner's\treparative\tgesture.\tCouples\theaded\tfor\tdivorce,\tthough,\tget\tabsorbed\tin the\tanger\tand\tfixated\ton\tthe\tspecifics\tof\tthe\tissue\tat\thand,\tnot\tmanaging\tto\thear \u2014let\talone\treturn\u2014any\tpeace\tofferings\tthat\tmight\tbe\timplicit\tin\twhat\ttheir partner\tis\tsaying.\tDefensiveness\tin\ta\tlistener\ttakes\tthe\tform\tof\tignoring\tor immediately\trebutting\tthe\tspouse's\tcomplaint,\treacting\tto\tit\tas\tthough\tit\twere\tan attack\trather\tthan\tan\tattempt\tto\tchange\tbehavior.\tOf\tcourse,\tin\tan\targument\twhat one\tspouse\tsays\tis\toften\tin\tthe\tform\tof\tan\tattack,\tor\tis\tsaid\twith\tsuch\tstrong negativity\tthat\tit\tis\thard\tto\thear\tanything\tother\tthan\tan\tattack. Even\tin\tthe\tworst\tcase,\tit's\tpossible\tfor\ta\tcouple\tto\tpurposely\tedit\twhat\tthey hear,\tignoring\tthe\thostile\tand\tnegative\tparts\tof\tthe\texchange\u2014the\tnasty\ttone,\tthe insult,\tthe\tcontemptuous\tcriticism\u2014to\thear\tthe\tmain\tmessage.\tFor\tthis\tfeat\tit helps\tif\tpartners\tcan\tremember\tto\tsee\teach\tother's\tnegativity\tas\tan\timplicit statement\tof\thow\timportant\tthe\tissue\tis\tto\tthem\u2014a\tdemand\tfor\tattention\tto\tbe paid.\tThen\tif\tshe\tyells,\t\\\"Will\tyou\tstop\tinterrupting\tme,\tfor\tcrissake!\\\"\the\tmight\tbe more\table\tto\tsay,\twithout\treacting\tovertly\tto\ther\thostility,\t\\\"Okay,\tgo\tahead\tand finish.\\\" The\tmost\tpowerful\tform\tof\tnondefensive\tlistening,\tof\tcourse,\tis\tempathy: actually\thearing\tthe\tfeelings\tbehind\twhat\tis\tbeing\tsaid.\tAs\twe\tsaw\tin\tChapter\t7, for\tone\tpartner\tin\ta\tcouple\tto\ttruly\tempathize\twith\tthe\tother\tdemands\tthat\this own\temotional\treactions\tcalm\tdown\tto\tthe\tpoint\twhere\the\tis\treceptive\tenough for\this\town\tphysiology\tto\tbe\table\tto\tmirror\tthe\tfeelings\tof\this\tpartner.\tWithout this\tphysiological\tattunement,\ta\tpartner's\tsense\tof\twhat\tthe\tother\tis\tfeeling\tis","likely\tto\tbe\tentirely\toff\tbase.\tEmpathy\tdeteriorates\twhen\tone's\town\tfeelings\tare so\tstrong\tthat\tthey\tallow\tno\tphysiological\tharmonizing,\tbut\tsimply\toverride everything\telse. One\tmethod\tfor\teffective\temotional\tlistening,\tcalled\t\\\"mirroring,\\\"\tis\tcommonly used\tin\tmarital\ttherapy.\tWhen\tone\tpartner\tmakes\ta\tcomplaint,\tthe\tother\trepeats it\tback\tin\ther\town\twords,\ttrying\tto\tcapture\tnot\tjust\tthe\tthought,\tbut\talso\tthe feelings\tthat\tgo\twith\tit.\tThe\tpartner\tmirroring\tchecks\twith\tthe\tother\tto\tbe\tsure the\trestatement\tis\ton\ttarget,\tand\tif\tnot,\ttries\tagain\tuntil\tit\tis\tright\u2014something that\tseems\tsimple,\tbut\tis\tsurprisingly\ttricky\tin\texecution.29\tThe\teffect\tof\tbeing mirrored\taccurately\tis\tnot\tjust\tfeeling\tunderstood,\tbut\thaving\tthe\tadded\tsense\tof being\tin\temotional\tattunement.\tThat\tin\titself\tcan\tsometimes\tdisarm\tan\timminent attack,\tand\tgoes\tfar\ttoward\tkeeping\tdiscussions\tof\tgrievances\tfrom\tescalating into\tfights. The\tart\tof\tnondefensive\tspeaking\tfor\tcouples\tcenters\taround\tkeeping\twhat\tis said\tto\ta\tspecific\tcomplaint\trather\tthan\tescalating\tto\ta\tpersonal\tattack. Psychologist\tHaim\tGinott,\tthe\tgrandfather\tof\teffective-communication programs,\trecommended\tthat\tthe\tbest\tformula\tfor\ta\tcomplaint\tis\t\\\"XYZ\\\":\t\\\"When you\tdid\tX,\tit\tmade\tme\tfeel\tY,\tand\tI'd\trather\tyou\tdid\tZ\tinstead.\\\"\tFor\texample: \\\"When\tyou\tdidn't\tcall\tto\ttell\tme\tyou\twere\tgoing\tto\tbe\tlate\tfor\tour\tdinner appointment,\tI\tfelt\tunappreciated\tand\tangry.\tI\twish\tyou'd\tcall\tto\tlet\tme\tknow you'll\tbe\tlate\\\"\tinstead\tof\t\\\"You're\ta\tthoughtless,\tself-centered\tbastard,\\\"\twhich\tis how\tthe\tissue\tis\tall\ttoo\toften\tput\tin\tcouples'\tfights.\tIn\tshort,\topen\tcommunication has\tno\tbullying,\tthreats,\tor\tinsults.\tNor\tdoes\tit\tallow\tfor\tany\tof\tthe\tinnumerable forms\tof\tdefensiveness\u2014excuses,\tdenying\tresponsibility,\tcounterattacking\twith a\tcriticism,\tand\tthe\tlike.\tHere\tagain\tempathy\tis\ta\tpotent\ttool. Finally,\trespect\tand\tlove\tdisarm\thostility\tin\tmarriage,\tas\telsewhere\tin\tlife.\tOne powerful\tway\tto\tde-escalate\ta\tfight\tis\tto\tlet\tyour\tpartner\tknow\tthat\tyou\tcan\tsee things\tfrom\tthe\tother\tperspective,\tand\tthat\tthis\tpoint\tof\tview\tmay\thave\tvalidity, even\tif\tyou\tdo\tnot\tagree\twith\tit\tyourself.\tAnother\tis\tto\ttake\tresponsibility\tor even\tapologize\tif\tyou\tsee\tyou\tare\tin\tthe\twrong.\tAt\ta\tminimum,\tvalidation\tmeans at\tleast\tconveying\tthat\tyou\tare\tlistening,\tand\tcan\tacknowledge\tthe\temotions being\texpressed,\teven\tif\tyou\tcan't\tgo\talong\twith\tthe\targument:\t\\\"I\tsee\tyou're upset.\\\"\tAnd\tat\tother\ttimes,\twhen\tthere\tis\tno\tfight\tgoing\ton,\tvalidation\ttakes\tthe form\tof\tcompliments,\tfinding\tsomething\tyou\tgenuinely\tappreciate\tand\tvoicing some\tpraise.\tValidation,\tof\tcourse,\tis\ta\tway\tto\thelp\tsoothe\tyour\tspouse,\tor\tto build\tup\temotional\tcapital\tin\tthe\tform\tof\tpositive\tfeelings. Practicing","Practicing Because\tthese\tmaneuvers\tare\tto\tbe\tcalled\tupon\tduring\tthe\theat\tof\tconfrontation, when\temotional\tarousal\tis\tsure\tto\tbe\thigh,\tthey\thave\tto\tbe\toverlearned\tif\tthey\tare to\tbe\taccessible\twhen\tneeded\tmost.\tThis\tis\tbecause\tthe\temotional\tbrain\tengages those\tresponse\troutines\tthat\twere\tlearned\tearliest\tin\tlife\tduring\trepeated moments\tof\tanger\tand\thurt,\tand\tso\tbecome\tdominant.\tMemory\tand\tresponse being\temotion-specific,\tin\tsuch\tmoments\treactions\tassociated\twith\tcalmer\ttimes are\tless\teasy\tto\tremember\tand\tact\ton.\tIf\ta\tmore\tproductive\temotional\tresponse\tis unfamiliar\tor\tnot\twell\tpracticed,\tit\tis\textremely\tdifficult\tto\ttry\tit\twhile\tupset.\tBut if\ta\tresponse\tis\tpracticed\tso\tthat\tit\thas\tbecome\tautomatic,\tit\thas\ta\tbetter\tchance of\tfinding\texpression\tduring\temotional\tcrisis.\tFor\tthese\treasons,\tthe\tabove strategies\tneed\tto\tbe\ttried\tout\tand\trehearsed\tduring\tencounters\tthat\tare\tnot stressful,\tas\twell\tas\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tbattle,\tif\tthey\tare\tto\thave\ta\tchance\tto\tbecome an\tacquired\tfirst\tresponse\t(or\tat\tleast\ta\tnot-too-belated\tsecond\tresponse)\tin\tthe repertoire\tof\tthe\temotional\tcircuitry.\tIn\tessence,\tthese\tantidotes\tto\tmarital disintegration\tare\ta\tsmall\tremedial\teducation\tin\temotional\tintelligence.","10 Managing\twith\tHeart \t Melburn\tMcBroom\twas\ta\tdomineering\tboss,\twith\ta\ttemper\tthat\tintimidated those\twho\tworked\twith\thim.\tThat\tfact\tmight\thave\tpassed\tunremarked\thad McBroom\tworked\tin\tan\toffice\tor\tfactory.\tBut\tMcBroom\twas\tan\tairline\tpilot. One\tday\tin\t1978\tMcBroom's\tplane\twas\tapproaching\tPortland,\tOregon,\twhen he\tnoticed\ta\tproblem\twith\tthe\tlanding\tgear.\tSo\tMcBroom\twent\tinto\ta\tholding pattern,\tcircling\tthe\tfield\tat\ta\thigh\taltitude\twhile\the\tfiddled\twith\tthe\tmechanism. As\tMcBroom\tobsessed\tabout\tthe\tlanding\tgear,\tthe\tplane's\tfuel\tgauges\tsteadily approached\tthe\tempty\tlevel.\tBut\this\tcopilots\twere\tso\tfearful\tof\tMcBroom's wrath\tthat\tthey\tsaid\tnothing,\teven\tas\tdisaster\tloomed.\tThe\tplane\tcrashed,\tkilling ten\tpeople. Today\tthe\tstory\tof\tthat\tcrash\tis\ttold\tas\ta\tcautionary\ttale\tin\tthe\tsafety\ttraining of\tairline\tpilots.1\tIn\t80\tpercent\tof\tairline\tcrashes,\tpilots\tmake\tmistakes\tthat\tcould have\tbeen\tprevented,\tparticularly\tif\tthe\tcrew\tworked\ttogether\tmore harmoniously.\tTeamwork,\topen\tlines\tof\tcommunication,\tcooperation,\tlistening, and\tspeaking\tone's\tmind\u2014rudiments\tof\tsocial\tintelligence\u2014are\tnow emphasized\tin\ttraining\tpilots,\talong\twith\ttechnical\tprowess. The\tcockpit\tis\ta\tmicrocosm\tof\tany\tworking\torganization.\tBut\tlacking\tthe dramatic\treality\tcheck\tof\tan\tairplane\tcrash,\tthe\tdestructive\teffects\tof\tmiserable morale,\tintimidated\tworkers,\tor\tarrogant\tbosses\u2014or\tany\tof\tthe\tdozens\tof\tother permutations\tof\temotional\tdeficiencies\tin\tthe\tworkplace\u2014can\tgo\tlargely unnoticed\tby\tthose\toutside\tthe\timmediate\tscene.\tBut\tthe\tcosts\tcan\tbe\tread\tin signs\tsuch\tas\tdecreased\tproductivity,\tan\tincrease\tin\tmissed\tdeadlines,\tmistakes and\tmishaps,\tand\tan\texodus\tof\temployees\tto\tmore\tcongenial\tsettings.\tThere\tis, inevitably,\ta\tcost\tto\tthe\tbottom\tline\tfrom\tlow\tlevels\tof\temotional\tintelligence\ton the\tjob.\tWhen\tit\tis\trampant,\tcompanies\tcan\tcrash\tand\tburn. The\tcost-effectiveness\tof\temotional\tintelligence\tis\ta\trelatively\tnew\tidea\tfor business,\tone\tsome\tmanagers\tmay\tfind\thard\tto\taccept.\tA\tstudy\tof\t250\texecutives found\tthat\tmost\tfelt\ttheir\twork\tdemanded\t\\\"their\theads\tbut\tnot\ttheir\thearts.\\\"","Many\tsaid\tthey\tfeared\tthat\tfeeling\tempathy\tor\tcompassion\tfor\tthose\tthey\tworked with\twould\tput\tthem\tin\tconflict\twith\ttheir\torganizational\tgoals.\tOne\tfelt\tthe\tidea of\tsensing\tthe\tfeelings\tof\tthose\twho\tworked\tfor\thim\twas\tabsurd\u2014it\twould,\the said,\t\\\"be\timpossible\tto\tdeal\twith\tpeople.\\\"\tOthers\tprotested\tthat\tif\tthey\twere\tnot emotionally\taloof\tthey\twould\tbe\tunable\tto\tmake\tthe\t\\\"hard\\\"\tdecisions\tthat business\trequires\u2014although\tthe\tlikelihood\tis\tthat\tthey\twould\tdeliver\tthose decisions\tmore\thumanely.2 That\tstudy\twas\tdone\tin\tthe\t1970s,\twhen\tthe\tbusiness\tenvironment\twas\tvery different.\tMy\targument\tis\tthat\tsuch\tattitudes\tare\toutmoded,\ta\tluxury\tof\ta\tformer day;\ta\tnew\tcompetitive\treality\tis\tputting\temotional\tintelligence\tat\ta\tpremium\tin the\tworkplace\tand\tin\tthe\tmarketplace.\tAs\tShoshona\tZuboff,\ta\tpsychologist\tat Harvard\tBusiness\tSchool,\tpointed\tout\tto\tme,\t\\\"corporations\thave\tgone\tthrough\ta radical\trevolution\twithin\tthis\tcentury,\tand\twith\tthis\thas\tcome\ta\tcorresponding transformation\tof\tthe\temotional\tlandscape.\tThere\twas\ta\tlong\tperiod\tof managerial\tdomination\tof\tthe\tcorporate\thierarchy\twhen\tthe\tmanipulative, jungle-fighter\tboss\twas\trewarded.\tBut\tthat\trigid\thierarchy\tstarted\tbreaking\tdown in\tthe\t1980s\tunder\tthe\ttwin\tpressures\tof\tglobalization\tand\tinformation technology.\tThe\tjungle\tfighter\tsymbolizes\twhere\tthe\tcorporation\thas\tbeen;\tthe virtuoso\tin\tinterpersonal\tskills\tis\tthe\tcorporate\tfuture.\\\"3 Some\tof\tthe\treasons\tare\tpatently\tobvious\u2014imagine\tthe\tconsequences\tfor\ta working\tgroup\twhen\tsomeone\tis\tunable\tto\tkeep\tfrom\texploding\tin\tanger\tor\thas no\tsensitivity\tabout\twhat\tthe\tpeople\taround\thim\tare\tfeeling.\tAll\tthe\tdeleterious effects\tof\tagitation\ton\tthinking\treviewed\tin\tChapter\t6\toperate\tin\tthe\tworkplace too:\tWhen\temotionally\tupset,\tpeople\tcannot\tremember,\tattend,\tlearn,\tor\tmake decisions\tclearly.\tAs\tone\tmanagement\tconsultant\tput\tit,\t\\\"Stress\tmakes\tpeople stupid.\\\" On\tthe\tpositive\tside,\timagine\tthe\tbenefits\tfor\twork\tof\tbeing\tskilled\tin\tthe\tbasic emotional\tcompetences\u2014being\tattuned\tto\tthe\tfeelings\tof\tthose\twe\tdeal\twith, being\table\tto\thandle\tdisagreements\tso\tthey\tdo\tnot\tescalate,\thaving\tthe\tability\tto get\tinto\tflow\tstates\twhile\tdoing\tour\twork.\tLeadership\tis\tnot\tdomination,\tbut\tthe art\tof\tpersuading\tpeople\tto\twork\ttoward\ta\tcommon\tgoal.\tAnd,\tin\tterms\tof managing\tour\town\tcareer,\tthere\tmay\tbe\tnothing\tmore\tessential\tthan\trecognizing our\tdeepest\tfeelings\tabout\twhat\twe\tdo\u2014and\twhat\tchanges\tmight\tmake\tus\tmore truly\tsatisfied\twith\tour\twork. Some\tof\tthe\tless\tobvious\treasons\temotional\taptitudes\tare\tmoving\tto\tthe forefront\tof\tbusiness\tskills\treflect\tsweeping\tchanges\tin\tthe\tworkplace.\tLet\tme make\tmy\tpoint\tby\ttracking\tthe\tdifference\tthree\tapplications\tof\temotional intelligence\tmake:\tbeing\table\tto\tair\tgrievances\tas\thelpful\tcritiques,\tcreating\tan","intelligence\tmake:\tbeing\table\tto\tair\tgrievances\tas\thelpful\tcritiques,\tcreating\tan atmosphere\tin\twhich\tdiversity\tis\tvalued\trather\tthan\ta\tsource\tof\tfriction,\tand networking\teffectively. CRITICISM\tIS\tJOB\tONE He\twas\ta\tseasoned\tengineer,\theading\ta\tsoftware\tdevelopment\tproject, presenting\tthe\tresult\tof\tmonths\tof\twork\tby\this\tteam\tto\tthe\tcompany's\tvice president\tfor\tproduct\tdevelopment.\tThe\tmen\tand\twomen\twho\thad\tworked long\tdays\tweek\tafter\tweek\twere\tthere\twith\thim,\tproud\tto\tpresent\tthe\tfruit of\ttheir\thard\tlabor.\tBut\tas\tthe\tengineer\tfinished\this\tpresentation,\tthe\tvice president\tturned\tto\thim\tand\tasked\tsarcastically,\t\\\"How\tlong\thave\tyou\tbeen out\tof\tgraduate\tschool?\tThese\tspecifications\tare\tridiculous.\tThey\thave\tno chance\tof\tgetting\tpast\tmy\tdesk.\\\" The\tengineer,\tutterly\tembarrassed\tand\tdeflated,\tsat\tglumly\tthrough\tthe rest\tof\tthe\tmeeting,\treduced\tto\tsilence.\tThe\tmen\tand\twomen\ton\this\tteam made\ta\tfew\tdesultory\u2014and\tsome\thostile\u2014remarks\tin\tdefense\tof\ttheir effort.\tThe\tvice\tpresident\twas\tthen\tcalled\taway\tand\tthe\tmeeting\tbroke\tup abruptly,\tleaving\ta\tresidue\tof\tbitterness\tand\tanger. For\tthe\tnext\ttwo\tweeks\tthe\tengineer\twas\tobsessed\tby\tthe\tvice president's\tremarks.\tDispirited\tand\tdepressed,\the\twas\tconvinced\the\twould never\tget\tanother\tassignment\tof\timportance\tat\tthe\tcompany,\tand\twas thinking\tof\tleaving,\teven\tthough\the\tenjoyed\this\twork\tthere. Finally\tthe\tengineer\twent\tto\tsee\tthe\tvice\tpresident,\treminding\thim\tof the\tmeeting,\this\tcritical\tremarks,\tand\ttheir\tdemoralizing\teffect.\tThen\the made\ta\tcarefully\tworded\tinquiry:\t\\\"I'm\ta\tlittle\tconfused\tby\twhat\tyou\twere trying\tto\taccomplish.\tI\tassume\tyou\twere\tnot\tjust\ttrying\tto\tembarrass\tme\u2014 did\tyou\thave\tsome\tother\tgoal\tin\tmind?\\\" The\tvice\tpresident\twas\tastonished\u2014he\thad\tno\tidea\tthat\this\tremark, which\the\tmeant\tas\ta\tthrowaway\tline,\thad\tbeen\tso\tdevastating.\tIn\tfact,\the thought\tthe\tsoftware\tplan\twas\tpromising,\tbut\tneeded\tmore\twork\u2014he hadn't\tmeant\tto\tdismiss\tit\tas\tutterly\tworthless\tat\tall.\tHe\tsimply\thad\tnot realized,\the\tsaid,\thow\tpoorly\the\thad\tput\this\treaction,\tnor\tthat\the\thad\thurt anyone's\tfeelings.\tAnd,\tbelatedly,\the\tapologized.4","It's\ta\tquestion\tof\tfeedback,\treally,\tof\tpeople\tgetting\tthe\tinformation\tessential to\tkeep\ttheir\tefforts\ton\ttrack.\tIn\tits\toriginal\tsense\tin\tsystems\ttheory,\tfeedback meant\tthe\texchange\tof\tdata\tabout\thow\tone\tpart\tof\ta\tsystem\tis\tworking,\twith\tthe understanding\tthat\tone\tpart\taffects\tall\tothers\tin\tthe\tsystem,\tso\tthat\tany\tpart heading\toff\tcourse\tcould\tbe\tchanged\tfor\tthe\tbetter.\tIn\ta\tcompany\teveryone\tis part\tof\tthe\tsystem,\tand\tso\tfeedback\tis\tthe\tlifeblood\tof\tthe\torganization\u2014the exchange\tof\tinformation\tthat\tlets\tpeople\tknow\tif\tthe\tjob\tthey\tare\tdoing\tis\tgoing well\tor\tneeds\tto\tbe\tfine-tuned,\tupgraded,\tor\tredirected\tentirely.\tWithout feedback\tpeople\tare\tin\tthe\tdark;\tthey\thave\tno\tidea\thow\tthey\tstand\twith\ttheir boss,\twith\ttheir\tpeers,\tor\tin\tterms\tof\twhat\tis\texpected\tof\tthem,\tand\tany\tproblems will\tonly\tget\tworse\tas\ttime\tpasses. In\ta\tsense,\tcriticism\tis\tone\tof\tthe\tmost\timportant\ttasks\ta\tmanager\thas.\tYet\tit's also\tone\tof\tthe\tmost\tdreaded\tand\tput\toff.\tAnd,\tlike\tthe\tsarcastic\tvice\tpresident, too\tmany\tmanagers\thave\tpoorly\tmastered\tthe\tcrucial\tart\tof\tfeedback.\tThis deficiency\thas\ta\tgreat\tcost:\tjust\tas\tthe\temotional\thealth\tof\ta\tcouple\tdepends\ton how\twell\tthey\tair\ttheir\tgrievances,\tso\tdo\tthe\teffectiveness,\tsatisfaction,\tand productivity\tof\tpeople\tat\twork\tdepend\ton\thow\tthey\tare\ttold\tabout\tnagging problems.\tIndeed,\thow\tcriticisms\tare\tgiven\tand\treceived\tgoes\ta\tlong\tway\tin determining\thow\tsatisfied\tpeople\tare\twith\ttheir\twork,\twith\tthose\tthey\twork\twith, and\twith\tthose\tto\twhom\tthey\tare\tresponsible. The\tWorst\tWay\tto\tMotivate\tSomeone The\temotional\tvicissitudes\tat\twork\tin\tmarriage\talso\toperate\tin\tthe\tworkplace, where\tthey\ttake\tsimilar\tforms.\tCriticisms\tare\tvoiced\tas\tpersonal\tattacks\trather than\tcomplaints\tthat\tcan\tbe\tacted\tupon;\tthere\tare\tad\thominem\tcharges\twith dollops\tof\tdisgust,\tsarcasm,\tand\tcontempt;\tboth\tgive\trise\tto\tdefensiveness\tand dodging\tof\tresponsibility\tand,\tfinally,\tto\tstonewalling\tor\tthe\tembittered\tpassive resistance\tthat\tcomes\tfrom\tfeeling\tunfairly\ttreated.\tIndeed,\tone\tof\tthe\tmore common\tforms\tof\tdestructive\tcriticism\tin\tthe\tworkplace,\tsays\tone\tbusiness consultant,\tis\ta\tblanket,\tgeneralized\tstatement\tlike\t\\\"You're\tscrewing\tup,\\\" delivered\tin\ta\tharsh,\tsarcastic,\tangry\ttone,\tproviding\tneither\ta\tchance\tto\trespond nor\tany\tsuggestion\tof\thow\tto\tdo\tthings\tbetter.\tIt\tleaves\tthe\tperson\treceiving\tit feeling\thelpless\tand\tangry.\tFrom\tthe\tvantage\tpoint\tof\temotional\tintelligence, such\tcriticism\tdisplays\tan\tignorance\tof\tthe\tfeelings\tit\twill\ttrigger\tin\tthose\twho receive\tit,\tand\tthe\tdevastating\teffect\tthose\tfeelings\twill\thave\ton\ttheir\tmotivation, energy,\tand\tconfidence\tin\tdoing\ttheir\twork. This\tdestructive\tdynamic\tshowed\tup\tin\ta\tsurvey\tof\tmanagers\twho\twere\tasked","to\tthink\tback\tto\ttimes\tthey\tblew\tup\tat\temployees\tand,\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment, made\ta\tpersonal\tattack.5\tThe\tangry\tattacks\thad\teffects\tmuch\tlike\tthey\twould\tin\ta married\tcouple:\tthe\temployees\twho\treceived\tthem\treacted\tmost\toften\tby becoming\tdefensive,\tmaking\texcuses,\tor\tevading\tresponsibility.\tOr\tthey stonewalled\u2014that\tis,\ttried\tto\tavoid\tall\tcontact\twith\tthe\tmanager\twho\tblew\tup\tat them.\tIf\tthey\thad\tbeen\tsubjected\tto\tthe\tsame\temotional\tmicroscope\tthat\tJohn Gottman\tused\twith\tmarried\tcouples,\tthese\tembittered\temployees\twould\tno\tdoubt have\tbeen\tshown\tto\tbe\tthinking\tthe\tthoughts\tof\tinnocent\tvictimhood\tor\trighteous indignation\ttypical\tof\thusbands\tor\twives\twho\tfeel\tunfairly\tattacked.\tIf\ttheir physiology\twere\tmeasured,\tthey\twould\tprobably\talso\tdisplay\tthe\tflooding\tthat reinforces\tsuch\tthoughts.\tAnd\tyet\tthe\tmanagers\twere\tonly\tfurther\tannoyed\tand provoked\tby\tthese\tresponses,\tsuggesting\tthe\tbeginning\tof\ta\tcycle\tthat,\tin\tthe business\tworld,\tends\tin\tthe\temployee\tquitting\tor\tbeing\tfired\u2014the\tbusiness equivalent\tof\ta\tdivorce. Indeed,\tin\ta\tstudy\tof\t108\tmanagers\tand\twhite-collar\tworkers,\tinept\tcriticism was\tahead\tof\tmistrust,\tpersonality\tstruggles,\tand\tdisputes\tover\tpower\tand\tpay\tas a\treason\tfor\tconflict\ton\tthe\tjob.6\tAn\texperiment\tdone\tat\tRensselaer\tPolytechnic Institute\tshows\tjust\thow\tdamaging\tto\tworking\trelationships\ta\tcutting\tcriticism can\tbe.\tIn\ta\tsimulation,\tvolunteers\twere\tgiven\tthe\ttask\tof\tcreating\tan\tad\tfor\ta new\tshampoo.\tAnother\tvolunteer\t(a\tconfederate)\tsupposedly\tjudged\tthe proposed\tads;\tvolunteers\tactually\treceived\tone\tof\ttwo\tprearranged\tcriticisms. One\tcritique\twas\tconsiderate\tand\tspecific.\tBut\tthe\tother\tincluded\tthreats\tand blamed\tthe\tperson's\tinnate\tdeficiencies,\twith\tremarks\tlike,\t\\\"Didn't\teven\ttry;\tcan't seem\tto\tdo\tanything\tright\\\"\tand\t\\\"Maybe\tit's\tjust\tlack\tof\ttalent.\tI'd\ttry\tto\tget someone\telse\tto\tdo\tit.\\\" Understandably,\tthose\twho\twere\tattacked\tbecame\ttense\tand\tangry\tand antagonistic,\tsaying\tthey\twould\trefuse\tto\tcollaborate\tor\tcooperate\ton\tfuture projects\twith\tthe\tperson\twho\tgave\tthe\tcriticism.\tMany\tindicated\tthey\twould want\tto\tavoid\tcontact\taltogether\u2014in\tother\twords,\tthey\tfelt\tlike\tstonewalling. The\tharsh\tcriticism\tmade\tthose\twho\treceived\tit\tso\tdemoralized\tthat\tthey\tno longer\ttried\tas\thard\tat\ttheir\twork\tand,\tperhaps\tmost\tdamaging,\tsaid\tthey\tno longer\tfelt\tcapable\tof\tdoing\twell.\tThe\tpersonal\tattack\twas\tdevastating\tto\ttheir morale. Many\tmanagers\tare\ttoo\twilling\tto\tcriticize,\tbut\tfrugal\twith\tpraise,\tleaving their\temployees\tfeeling\tthat\tthey\tonly\thear\tabout\thow\tthey're\tdoing\twhen\tthey make\ta\tmistake.\tThis\tpropensity\tto\tcriticism\tis\tcompounded\tby\tmanagers\twho delay\tgiving\tany\tfeedback\tat\tall\tfor\tlong\tperiods.\t\\\"Most\tproblems\tin\tan employee's\tperformance\tare\tnot\tsudden;\tthey\tdevelop\tslowly\tover\ttime,\\\"\tJ.\tR.","employee's\tperformance\tare\tnot\tsudden;\tthey\tdevelop\tslowly\tover\ttime,\\\"\tJ.\tR. Larson,\ta\tUniversity\tof\tIllinois\tat\tUrbana\tpsychologist,\tnotes.\t\\\"When\tthe\tboss fails\tto\tlet\this\tfeelings\tbe\tknown\tpromptly,\tit\tleads\tto\this\tfrustration\tbuilding\tup slowly.\tThen,\tone\tday,\the\tblows\tup\tabout\tit.\tIf\tthe\tcriticism\thad\tbeen\tgiven earlier\ton,\tthe\temployee\twould\thave\tbeen\table\tto\tcorrect\tthe\tproblem.\tToo\toften people\tcriticize\tonly\twhen\tthings\tboil\tover,\twhen\tthey\tget\ttoo\tangry\tto\tcontain themselves.\tAnd\tthat's\twhen\tthey\tgive\tthe\tcriticism\tin\tthe\tworst\tway,\tin\ta\ttone\tof biting\tsarcasm,\tcalling\tto\tmind\ta\tlong\tlist\tof\tgrievances\tthey\thad\tkept\tto themselves,\tor\tmaking\tthreats.\tSuch\tattacks\tbackfire.\tThey\tare\treceived\tas\tan affront,\tso\tthe\trecipient\tbecomes\tangry\tin\treturn.\tIt's\tthe\tworst\tway\tto\tmotivate someone.\\\" The\tArtful\tCritique Consider\tthe\talternative. An\tartful\tcritique\tcan\tbe\tone\tof\tthe\tmost\thelpful\tmessages\ta\tmanager\tcan send.\tFor\texample,\twhat\tthe\tcontemptuous\tvice\tpresident\tcould\thave\ttold\tthe software\tengineer\u2014but\tdid\tnot\u2014was\tsomething\tlike:\t\\\"The\tmain\tdifficulty\tat this\tstage\tis\tthat\tyour\tplan\twill\ttake\ttoo\tlong\tand\tso\tescalate\tcosts.\tI'd\tlike\tyou\tto think\tmore\tabout\tyour\tproposal,\tespecially\tthe\tdesign\tspecifications\tfor\tsoftware development,\tto\tsee\tif\tyou\tcan\tfigure\tout\ta\tway\tto\tdo\tthe\tsame\tjob\tmore quickly.\\\"\tSuch\ta\tmessage\thas\tthe\topposite\timpact\tof\tdestructive\tcriticism: instead\tof\tcreating\thelplessness,\tanger,\tand\trebellion,\tit\tholds\tout\tthe\thope\tof doing\tbetter\tand\tsuggests\tthe\tbeginning\tof\ta\tplan\tfor\tdoing\tso. An\tartful\tcritique\tfocuses\ton\twhat\ta\tperson\thas\tdone\tand\tcan\tdo\trather\tthan reading\ta\tmark\tof\tcharacter\tinto\ta\tjob\tpoorly\tdone.\tAs\tLarson\tobserves,\t\\\"A character\tattack\u2014calling\tsomeone\tstupid\tor\tincompetent\u2014misses\tthe\tpoint.\tYou immediately\tput\thim\ton\tthe\tdefensive,\tso\tthat\the's\tno\tlonger\treceptive\tto\twhat you\thave\tto\ttell\thim\tabout\thow\tto\tdo\tthings\tbetter.\\\"\tThat\tadvice,\tof\tcourse,\tis precisely\tthe\tsame\tas\tfor\tmarried\tcouples\tairing\ttheir\tgrievances. And,\tin\tterms\tof\tmotivation,\twhen\tpeople\tbelieve\tthat\ttheir\tfailures\tare\tdue\tto some\tunchangeable\tdeficit\tin\tthemselves,\tthey\tlose\thope\tand\tstop\ttrying.\tThe basic\tbelief\tthat\tleads\tto\toptimism,\tremember,\tis\tthat\tsetbacks\tor\tfailures\tare\tdue to\tcircumstances\tthat\twe\tcan\tdo\tsomething\tabout\tto\tchange\tthem\tfor\tthe\tbetter. Harry\tLevinson,\ta\tpsychoanalyst\tturned\tcorporate\tconsultant,\tgives\tthe following\tadvice\ton\tthe\tart\tof\tthe\tcritique,\twhich\tis\tintricately\tentwined\twith\tthe art\tof\tpraise:"]
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