Talking with the Thabas Season 1 Workbook

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Introduction All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopied, recordings or otherwise without the prior written consent of the copyright owners. Includes: Bible References from the New International Version of the Bible Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Copyright©2020 – Percy and Ashley Thaba Edited by: Percy and Ashley Thaba Designed by: Percy Thaba Published by: Percy and Ashley Thaba Email: [email protected] ISBN: 978-99968-0-951-4 Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 1

Table of Contents Introduction .................................................................................................. 3 Unmet Expectations ....................................................................................... 4 Communication............................................................................................ 24 Preparing for Marriage .................................................................................. 41 His Needs, Her Needs ................................................................................... 54 Love Languages ........................................................................................... 66 Gender Based Violence ................................................................................. 78 Children...................................................................................................... 90 Conflict Resolution ..................................................................................... 106 Spirituality ................................................................................................ 120 Finances ................................................................................................... 135 In-Laws .................................................................................................... 150 Affair Proofing your Marriage ....................................................................... 169 Substance Abuse ....................................................................................... 183 Works Cited .............................................................................................. 194 If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 2

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Introduction Introduction Making Marriages Fun. That was our tagline as we advertised Season 1 of Talking with the Thabas. The idea was to use the show to illustrate that marriage could truly be a blessing to you. We tried to be as accurate as possible in showing you the good, the bad and answering all your questions about our marriage throughout the 13 episodes of Season One. The concept of the show is that we would invite a random group of people into the studio. The audience was allowed to ask whatever question they wanted about that topic so that it produced a genuine flowing conversation that addressed the real needs of real people. The result was an awesome, spontaneous, unscripted and authentic show! Thankfully, the feedback we got after airing the episodes on television was that many of you began to use the shows as talking points towards deeper conversations. You shared that you were able to relate with our struggles and gleaned insights on how we handled our issues in order to apply some of those strategies towards healing conflicts, in law relations, forgiveness issues, etc. in your own marriages. Some of you just said you were inspired because you could tell we were real – even down to the fact that I (Ashley) would talk too fast at times and interrupt my husband (Percy) when I got excited about a point! Ha! That is proof we didn’t use a script! We wanted this to be a true depiction of our relationship – the good, the bad, and the ugly! Throughout the viewing of the shows, two reoccurring comments we heard were: “these episodes are too short! We want longer conversation so we can get more tips!” And “Can you give us discussion questions to talk about afterwards or expound further on some of the answers so that we can really improve our marriages even more?” Consequently, this book is our way of trying to fulfill those requests. To create each finished episode, we filmed for 1 hour and then later edited down to around 24 minutes as per the broadcasting regulations of the original television network on which the shows were aired. We will go through the raw footage and write down questions that were asked that may not have had time to make it to the show due to time restrictions. In this book, we will include our full answers, which were cut due to time restrictions. By going through and transcribing the conversations that transpired on the set, we also hope to help those of you who thought my wife talked too fast to absorb all of the answers! Ha!  We will also write some challenges, scenarios and questions for you to discuss with your spouse because ultimately what we want to do is help your marriage to be stronger and more enjoyable! Let’s get started! Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 3

Unmet Expectations People spend their whole lives thinking about marriage and what that will look like. They have all these dreams and expectations. It is like you wrote the script for the movie of your life and you knew exactly how you wanted the role of “supporting actor/actress” to play out. You imagined what they would say, what they would wear, how they would act. In your dreams, it was all so perfect. Then you meet this person one day you feel would be perfect for the role! Here is the problem. That person has been writing the script too, but there is no way it was the exact same as yours. This is where unmet expectations come in. Both come in with expectations and sometimes when those aren’t met, people feel this marriage isn’t what I signed up for and want to head to the courts to end it. Alternatively, they resign themselves to stay in the marriage, but are not happy and enjoying the marriage relationship. In this episode, we discussed some common expectations and considered if they were even realistic. Many men picture this clean home they come back from work to every night. In it, they will find their wife looking beautiful after she has just placed a scrumptious home cooked dinner on the table and gotten the kids to keep quiet so they don’t give the husband a headache after a long day at the office. Women picture their husbands coming home right after work because he can’t wait to see her and the kids. She pictures him being faithful and never looking at another woman while he cheerfully listens to her stories and does whatever honey-do list around the house she writes out. They both expect that they will be able to trust their spouse to tell them the truth. They expect to always enjoy spending time together the way they do in the courtship phase. Neither imagines the fights they will have, the noise the kids will make, the exhaustion they both will have running a home and raising kids, the way they will eventually get on each other’s nerves or the temptations that will come their way that may rock the security of their marital union. Q: What if people’s expectations are unrealistic? What can they do? A: Instead of looking at all the things you don’t have and focusing on the negative, look at what you do have and focus on the positive aspects of your marriage. As you train your mind to see the good, the way you see your relationship changes because your mindset changes. Another angle is to think about what exactly you are expecting from that person. Are you expecting that person to make you happy, to make you feel good about yourself, or even to give you a purpose in life? If so, no human can meet those needs. We need to understand that we are created beings with a desire in our souls to matter. We are created to desire to feel joy, to feel loved, to feel inner peace. In the absence of these emotions, we feel empty. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 4

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations As this empty feeling begins to lead to self-doubts and restlessness, we tend to inadvertently misplace the inner lack of peace on our spouse. If she was doing this…. If he was doing this… then I would be happier. But the truth of the matter is there is NOTHING he/she can do if you don’t have peace within yourself. If you find yourself relating with this niggling feeling that something is missing in your life, may we offer some encouragement to you? Seek out someone who can help guide you to understand how to have a personal relationship with your Creator. Think about it this way. You are a manufactured product. Therefore, your manufacturer knew best how you could operate at your optimum level. Once you get in tune with Him and begin to surrender your life admitting you are not the smartest being but acknowledge there is One that is completely omniscient and He promises to guide you in life and save you for eternity, you begin to feel a sense of inner joy. You are loved. You were designed for something more than just to get up, go to work, come home, eat… repeat! You are a friend of the Lord of the Universe. You are redeemed and forgiven from any sins you have committed so you can have a fresh start. You have a 24 hour counselor who never sleeps or slumbers. You have access to the inheritance of the King of Kings. Trusting in His ways and giving Him charge over your life leads you to a peace you could never imagine and a love that will spill over into your marriage. Once you begin to be filled by a supernatural source, you will find you have the ability to never run out of love to offer. Where you once needed your spouse to fill your heart with love, you will find a well in Christ that never runs dry, and it becomes easy to have something to spill over and give daily to your partner. Q: Most of the time, people expect to always feel in love. So when the feeling fades away, they feel the relationship is over. What can you say to these people? A: This is very common. In fact, when we counsel couples, we hear so many people say “We have just fallen out of love.” Or “It just doesn’t feel like it used to when we were dating.” First, let’s have a little basic neurobiology lesson. When you fall in love, you have extra energy, you feel butterflies in your stomach, a sense of exhilaration and an increased heart rate associated with excitement. These feelings of pure pleasure and passion are due to chemicals dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline being released in your brain. You begin to associate that sense of excitement and euphoria with the presence of that person in your life. Like a drug, every time you are with them, you get a “hit” of those delightful emotions. Being with them makes you physically, emotionally, and psychologically happy! Thank God we don't feel like that forever because most of us can't think straight when we feel this \"in love\" feeling. This is when songs are written about men crossing oceans to be with the woman he loves. This is when romance movies are acted out Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 5

when a woman feels like she is walking on the clouds every time she even thinks about her man. In this phase, you can't get enough of the person. You can spend every waking hour talking and still want more. Songs have even claimed you don't want to fall asleep because you don't want to miss making memories. In this phase, your lover is constantly in your thoughts to the point that sometimes you find it hard to concentrate as your mind shifts to daydreaming about the next time you will see your lover or replaying the last touch you felt from them or sweet word they spoke to you. Like any drug it will reach a tolerance level. Psychologists usually say it takes about 18 months to 2 years to start to come off the \"high\" of being in love. The chemical reaction in your brain can not continue indefinitely. Despite the fact that you may want to feel like that forever, it is physically impossible. It is unrealistic for you to expect that. However, God has ordained us in such a way that when you come off that high, your brain produces other chemicals called oxytocin and vasopressin. And when your body creates those it gives you a feeling that is more lasting. It is a trust based partnership which creates a lasting attachment. These are bonding hormones. The initial chemical reaction attracts you to your spouse. Out of everyone in the world, it makes your heart skip a beat and your world light up when you are with that person. Oxytocin and vasopressin have the opposite effect. They create this calm contentment when you are with the person. It is now a commitment based love. When you feel this type of love towards a person, it is slow and steady. It is constant. You want to share your hopes and your dreams and wake up next to that person every day until death do you part. You feel tied to that person. They are comfortable. They are now a part of your life. Oxytocin is actually also produced in breastfeeding to create that bond between a mother and her new child. This hormone produces a feeling where you can't imagine your life without that person in it. Knowing that person is in your life now creates security. You are no longer alone. This person is by your side. Taking care of them is now part of why you exist. You are connected. WARNING: That initial feeling of rewarding infatuation is extremely addictive. The sensation of feeling in love feels good! Many people crave that emotional “high” so much that they experience withdrawal symptoms when it wears off with their partner and are seriously tempted to look elsewhere for a new “fix”. You WILL be tempted at some point in your marriage to feel those passionate feelings again. Here is what you need to logically tell your mind when you are tempted to give up on your spouse and look to another person who makes your heart skip a beat. This is a deception. This feeling is fleeting. Is it really realistic that I should go from person to person, changing every 1-2 years as the feelings wear off and move on to another? NO matter how convinced I am that now I have found the “one”, I need to understand that those chemicals actually deactivate neural pathways that lead to healthy logical social judgement, which is why people say love is blind. This new person I am having If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 6

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations an affair with, or tempted to have an affair with, will bring me temporary satisfaction only. Is what I will lose in my spouse worth the “hit” of the “in love” feelings? If you have a spouse that is committed to you, shares life with you, trusts you, and believes in you, then what you will lose is so much more than what you will gain. It is like the alcoholic who rips apart his family because he can’t say no to the next drink. Everyone else can see that his addiction is killing him, but he can’t see it. We don’t realize sometimes that an affair is the same. Everyone else is going “What is he/she thinking throwing away that beautiful family for that person??” When the chemical high wears off and you start to think clearly, sometimes your foolish selfish desire to feel passionate euphoria just costs you everything you once held dear. Sometimes, sadly, the damage is irreparable. Be careful that you don’t allow deceptive feelings to lead you to mess up your life. Q: How do you deal with a situation where your expectations are not being met? Do you confront them and say, “This isn’t what I signed up for”? A: First, you need to think about exactly what it is that you are expecting that isn’t being met. It is actually best if you can write these down so that you are able to really articulate exactly what areas can be improved. A written list also prevents you from rambling and getting off topic when you are presenting your needs. Then, you need to find a time and way to communicate those in a way that is non-judgmental and non-confrontational. You also need to understand that if you are expecting your spouse to change then he/she is probably wishing there were some areas you would change so the discussion needs to be a two way conversation. Making it For example, you might say to your spouse, “Can we schedule a time Practical where we can evaluate our marriage? Could we both prepare notes to share with each other areas we feel we are doing well and areas we could improve on?” Something that allows your spouse to mentally prepare and not feel taken off guard when suddenly you spring it on her/him that this marriage isn’t meeting your expectations. Be careful when you have this conversation to not use the word “you” but rather “I”. For example, you could say “you are a lazy husband who never helps around the house! I really expected to feel like we were in this together but I feel like I am doing everything around here.” Instead, you could say, “I had an expectation that we would share the household responsibilities. I have made a list of chores that need to be done around the house. I am overwhelmed because it seems I am expected to do most of these. Could you please take a look at the list of chores and see which ones you can start assisting with? That would help alleviate some of my burden and make me feel more supported.” By using this approach, you are keeping it on how you feel without blaming, name calling, and accusing him. Also, you are presenting a solution instead of just insulting Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 7

him. Additionally, you are explaining how this would meet a need you had hoped you would get in this marriage: partnership. To express a lack of contentment without an action plan is depressing. It feels like you are simply complaining. You also have to be realistic in what you are expecting. For example, you can’t expect your wife to be thinner instantaneously. However, if it is seriously bothering you that she has gained weight because that is not what you expected, you could suggest that in order for the two of you to feel healthier, you start to exercise together. This could be a way you bond and have fun and stay healthy. Tread carefully on calling your wife fat or speaking against her external appearance! Ha! Once you damage her self-confidence, it may scar her and prevent her from feeling comfortable with you in intimate situations because she will always think you are judging her looks. It is normal to have unmet expectations but please express them logically and with a specific solution in mind so it doesn’t look like you are a negative person who can’t be pleased with unrealistic expectations. A follow up question was then asked about what to do in the case that your spouse is not willing to change to please you. In that case, you can use the power of praise and rewards to condition him/her to WANT to please you. Think about where you want to get that person and look for ways to really praise her/him when she/he heads even the smallest way in that direction. For example, let’s say that you really want your husband to get better Making it Practical about coming home directly after work. You expected he would want to come home to you and yet he seems to always find reasons to go out for drinks with the guys from the office, stop by a relative’s house, stay late at work, etc. You tell him you would like him to come home, and he isn’t receptive saying “I am busy or I need my down time too. Stop nagging me.” Here is a strategy of how the reward system works. One day ask him, “would you like me to cook you a meal tomorrow night? If so, what would that be?” Assuming he says yes and gives you a specific dream meal, then you ask, “What time would suit you best for the meal to be ready?” Smile and say, “Tomorrow baby, I want to please you. I am going to really try my best to serve you.” Throughout the day, you can even send little texts if you are at the grocery store buying the food or a picture of you preparing the food. If you are feeling really energetic, you can even take a shower and get dressed up and send photos to wet his appetite in any way to make him get excited about coming home to you. When he comes home, you really try and make it a special time. Later that night, when he is feeling happy that he came home to you, you can say something like, “I really enjoyed being able to spend quality time with you tonight. Could we do that again tomorrow night? I may not be able to make a nice meal and get dressed up every night but I do really enjoy your company and love when you come home after work to be with me.” The idea is to help him to If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 8

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations associate good times with the areas you want him to improve in since somewhere in his mind he has associated going home to be a stressful environment to be avoided. Here is a strategy of the praise method. Let’s say that you really wish he would do more to fix broken things around the house. You really expected when you got married that the “man of the house” would deal with these maintenance repairs. You have given him ‘Honey-do” list before and he makes some excuse that he doesn’t know how to fix a squeaky gate, change a broken light, or unclog the toilet. The temptation is to nag. “You never help! I am so tired of asking you to do something 100 times and you don’t even care!” The hope is that if you bother him enough he will eventually do it. He might, but he will do it grudgingly and resentfully. Let’s talk about how the praise method can work. One day he does something – EVER SO SMALL – that is helpful with some type of household maintenance, you show genuine appreciation. “Wow, you fixed that? Amazing! Thank you so much! When you do that, I feel like you are so manly – like you are taking care of us. It is so attractive!” Then, kiss him, love on him, and verbally praise him. Show him it is a turn on to have his assistance and help. I usually even get the kids involved by bragging on their dad to them. “Kids, look at what your dad fixed? Isn’t that cool? Don’t you think daddy is amazing?” The next day find a small chore you believe he could do with ease. Repeat the praise until he actually enjoys helping you because he likes being praised and rewarded physically. Let’s say she doesn’t cook much, but a home cooked meal means so much to you. And then one day she decides to cook! Instead of turning a positive thing into a negative, please make sure to praise her and tell her how much you enjoy when she cooks. You could say something like, “Wow, I can’t believe you spent time in the kitchen to bless me and the kids with such a wonderful mean. Thank you for working so hard to cook for us.” Repeat the praise until she actually enjoys cooking for you more often because she likes your praises. By the way, even if you’re the kind of husband who is blessed to have your wife’s home cooked means almost every day, then please don’t ever get tired of thanking her for the great job she is doing in the kitchen. Never take for granted acts of kindness done in a marriage. This may sound like manipulation but really in actuality you are trying to change the mental association in the mind. Most likely, when the other person thinks of chores, the association is work, hard labor, boring, and anything else that is not pleasurable. The mind needs to be retrained to see a chore as an opportunity to be rewarded, praised, and make the other happy. It is an opportunity to enjoy serving you and spending time with you. Percy and I have been married for 16 years as we write this book, and there still isn’t a chore he does that I don’t verbally praise him, kiss him and brag on him to the kids about. I don’t take it for granted that he does these household repairs. This week alone he has fixed a blocked kitchen pipe, changed an electrical socket which was no longer charging my cell phone, figured out why an outside light was no longer working when you turned the switch on, made a bedside table for my daughter to have a Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 9

place to put a glass of water on at night and made my computer stop having annoying pop-up ads. I seriously think he is super man! He is my hero and his presence in my life makes my life easier. He loves being my knight in shining armor and I absolutely adore him as my life partner! As a man I (Percy) have learned to appreciate my wife more. I thank her for always being my number 1 fan regardless of what I am doing. Because of her praise, I keep striving to be a better husband to her and a better father to our children. I make sure that I thank Ashley for every single meal she makes. I praise her for all the wonderful articles she writes on a weekly basis for 6 different countries. I praise her for being such a good gardener because our family continues to eat fresh vegetables and fruits from our yard because of her commitment to sustainable, organic and productive gardening. I praise her for being her and not trying to be who others want her to be. It is so great to be married to a strong woman who understands that her identity is in Jesus Christ and God accepts her just the way she is with all her strengths and weaknesses. I thank her for loving me and the kids the way she does. The point we’re trying to make is that little praise and appreciation can go a long way! Never take for granted the power of gratitude! Q: What if you don’t know how to express what you want? A: It can be very depressing to present a problem without a solution. You first need to really think about what it is you want and if there is an actionable way of getting it. You also need to think if the problem is one within you or something your partner is not doing. For example, many people will say, “I am just not happy. I don’t know why, but I am just not happy.” When the spouse says, “Well, is there something I can do to make you feel happy and you say, I don’t know… I am just not happy in our marriage anymore.” Goodness… can you imagine how depressing that is to hear? Most likely if that is the case, then the problem is not with your spouse. The problem is with YOU! You will always be happier in a relationship when you are content with yourself, when you are not looking to another person to give you some sort of inner happiness. If you expect your partner to meet a need that you can’t even meet yourself, your partner will be frustrated and you will always be disappointed. If you have a problem with expressing your feelings, then may we suggest that you start with writing what you are feeling on a sheet of paper? Ask your partner if they can listen to you read your feelings out loud to them. I (Percy) started expressing myself by writing things out because I simply didn’t know how to express myself despite the fact that I had a lot to share. If you write out your thoughts, then you will truly share what is in your heart and hopefully the more you write it out and read it to your spouse, the more you will get more comfortable with expressing yourself verbally. The other advantage of writing it out is that you’re more likely to go straight to your point rather than beating around the bush and losing the attention of the other person. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 10

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations Q: Should you start making compromises before marriage or after? A: You need to make compromises before marriage. If the person can’t compromise or work on problems before marriage, that is a huge warning sign that there will be struggles to work together for the rest of your life. That is why it is so important to start discussing expectations and working on problem areas before you get married. The natural temptation is to think, “We will deal with that later. Right now it is hypothetical so let’s not borrow trouble from tomorrow.” Or sometimes we make assumptions that we will just agree after we get married. We are surprised when we get married and things don’t magically fix themselves. It is so important to deal with all your expectations before marriage to see if this is a person you can work on issues with. Don’t assume because it is important to you, they will understand and agree. Don’t also assume that just because you share the same faith, then you will just agree with each other on everything. Making it Let me give a simple example. Every Christmas, you celebrate with your Practical family. Certain traditions have become special to you. You can’t think of that holiday without associating it with your family. You assume Christmas will always look like that. Marriage happens and December 25th is approaching. You begin making your typical holiday plans much to the dismay of your partner who is also making the same plans but with his/her family. You both assume the other understands how important it is for you to spend this time with your parents, siblings and relatives but neither is willing to budge. You have got an issue. But, why didn’t you speak about this before marriage? Because you assumed things would stay the same and didn’t “borrow trouble from tomorrow.” Now, something like this can become a huge fight and really show you that this person is not easy to deal with because they are completely unwilling to compromise and empathize with you. You should have brought some of these scenarios up before marriage as a way of exploring what life together would look like when you don’t agree on an issue. Now, moving onto marriage. How do you deal with compromise in marriage? First of all, you need to make sure both of you have your voice heard. Do you fully understand what your spouse is wanting? Not necessarily that you agree with it, but you understand why they want that. That is the first step to compromise – understanding your partner’s wants. At some point, once you both understand and still don’t agree – that is when you will need to meet halfway where both of you don’t get exactly what you want but both of you are willing to give in a little to meet in the middle. Making it Let me (Ashley) give an example. Let’s say my husband expected me to Practical cook dinner every night. We both are working so I feel it is unfair to expect me to slave in the kitchen while he lounges in the sitting room when we are both tired after a hard day’s work. We both explain our points. I want him to help me each night. He just can’t get over the expectation he had that his wife Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 11

would cook the food in the home. I just can’t get over the fact that he doesn’t understand that I am equally tired and not superwoman! In the end, we have to come to a compromise because neither is budging. A compromise is made that I will cook every night if he helps the kids with their homework. Alternatively, I will come up with the meals and buy the groceries for meal planning, but he and I will both spend that time in the kitchen preparing the meal together so that it allows for quality time together as well as the practical meal preparation. Whatever we decide, it is something where both have to do something they aren’t comfortable with for the sake of peace and meeting each other halfway. On this subject, be weary of one dominant partner always expecting to get his/her way. Resentment will build if one partner is always insisting the couple does things his/her way and the other person feels like their opinions and desires are not valued. When these problems arise where compromising and working out conflicting issues is problematic, sometimes it is helpful to seek marriage counseling so that you can both have a neutral objective voice speak into your life and help guide you towards martial unity and learn how to work through differences beneficially. Q: What if your partner expects you to support them even if what they are doing is illegal? A: We will answer from the Christian perspective since that is our experience and what motivates our world view. The reason we submit to one another, support one another, and love one another in marriage, for us, is not just because it feels good but because ultimately we are being obedient to Jesus Christ to cherish the partner He gave us. Therefore, although it can be tempting to look the other way or go along with illegal actions we observe in the home, we personally wouldn’t recommend it because that will now affect your relationship with God and others if you are now willingly participating in illegal activities. Ultimately, God calls all of us to submit to the laws of the land as we submit to His authority over us. Many times we lack faith to do what is right and stand up for what is right because ultimately we lack faith in God’s ability to protect us and see us through if we choose righteousness over the “easy” path. Ultimately, by not reporting the criminal activity, you are continuing to enable your spouse to do something which will probably hurt them and others. Most laws are there to protect us and those around us. When you love a person, the last thing you want them to do is to get into trouble. However, really if we think about it, the thing we should want for our spouse is freedom to walk in truth and not live a life of sin that holds them prisoner to doing deeds of darkness which will ultimately catch up to them and you. The effects that will have on your home will be even worse than if the activities could have been stopped early on by reporting it to the authorities. Q: What if a person is always expecting too much? You agree to something and then they take it further seeming to never be satisfied? If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 12

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations A: There could be several issues at play here. Firstly, you might be dealing with a selfish person who would rather receive than give and lacks general contentment in their life so they always want something else, hoping that will ultimately be the thing that brings them happiness. We brought this up earlier so we won’t dwell too much on it. Ultimately, when dealing with a self-centered person in marriage, you will ALWAYS have problems! A good marriage is built on thinking about the other person and serving them. Therefore, if the person is selfish and unwilling to think about their actions and the impact that has on others, that is a character issue that needs prayer and guidance outside of what we can offer here. But, another problem could be a breakdown of communication because you are dealing with a dominant personality. Let’s say one person is more expressive and pushy. The other might get to the point they agree to things simply to avoid conflict and awkward conversations, but internally the person is boiling at how the other always gets their way. The other person is oblivious because the other never expresses their displeasure. This is a time where you need to EXPRESS yourself! Your spouse cannot read your mind. You do no favors to yourself or to your marriage by saying one thing when you are thinking another. The greatest gift you can give each other is to be truthful when something is bothering you. We will have another session on communication and conflict resolution so we don’t want to go too much into depth here on HOW to communicate, but for now, let us say TALK IT OUT. Maybe they don’t realize they are so demanding because you are not adequately helping them to see the demands they are placing on you and the family. The bottom line is this: Your marriage will be much more fulfilling if you learn it is better to give than to receive. Our flesh makes us think happiness is when we get everything we want and people serve us, but experience and wisdom teach that you actually will feel more joy when you selflessly serve another person and make them happy. There is a verse in the Bible that guides us as a couple. It is Philippians 2:3-5, which states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.” We have a goal in our marriage. Every day, we each do everything we can to brighten each other’s day and lessen the other person’s load to make their life easier. When you have another person who walks by your side every day carrying your burdens and serving you, life is so beautiful. Yet, so many have a “me, myself and I” mentality constantly saying (or thinking if they don’t verbalize it), “What are you going to do for me?” Instead, they would find much more joy if they began asking “what can I do for you?” Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 13

Q: You two come from different cultures. Surely, that means you had different worldviews and expectations on what your family would look like? How have you personally dealt with it? A: In a good marriage, you are willing to compromise so both are going to have to give in on things. For us, our first solution if we find we are different in a certain area is to each explain to the other why we do things the way we do. Sometimes we have found once we understand the rationale behind why we do what we do, we actually enjoy incorporating both ways or finding a way to utilize both methods because we realize although they are different they are both good. Other times, once we understand the other person’s method and the motivation behind it, we actually realize their way is indeed better. Making it Let me (Ashley) give an example. When we first met in 2001, in most Practical African homes, a child was beaten when they did something wrong. There was no hug afterwards or explanation of why daddy was whipping you with a belt! You just knew your best chance of saving yourself from some bruises was to either obey your parents or do your best not to get caught and keep your distance from your parents in case they took their bad day out on your backside. When we started having children, Percy began to do what he knew: beatings. I, on the other hand, felt we should take a different approach. His initial response was a strong, “Absolutely not! You have to show your kids who the boss is! I will not be soft with them!” It was a point of contention as we argued over how we would treat our children. Over time, as I explained WHY I believed in my methods of discipline. As he watched it in action, he realized he was only defending his way because it was what he was familiar with, not because he actually really believed it was the most effective way. Slowly, we began to raise our kids more with my disciplinary methods. As a side note, just for your information here, we both believe that children should have very clear guidelines as to what they can and can’t do and what consequence they will face when they disobey. When they do disobey, we don’t need to get mad or lose our temper. The rules are set. The punishment is known. We simply ask the child, “What is going to happen to you now that you just did xyz?” They know. We execute the punishment, but we are able to continue to love on them and communicate with them. The message we are trying to teach them is we’re not disciplining you because we are mad at you, rather we’re disciplining you because we know what is best for you. If we allow you to continue to do things which will eventually get you into trouble, we are not protecting and guiding you to an abundant life. We also spend a lot of time communicating with our kids WHY we put each boundary or “no” in place so that they understand we’re not being mean but rather trying to help them establish healthy boundaries which will place them within parameters which will allow them to ultimately be happier in life. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 14

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations Now, back to the question at hand. We gave an example of how I (Percy) changed for Ashley. Let me give you an example of how Ashley changed for me. I had this mental picture of my marital home being one in which every day when I came home from work my wife would have a home cooked meal prepared for me. Ashley is a person who is always on the go. Additionally, she is an extrovert so the idea of spending an hour in the kitchen alone preparing a meal does NOT appeal to her! Combine that with the fact that by the time we got married, she had been living alone for almost 10 years so which extrovert wants to cook and eat alone? She had adapted more of a “grazer” habit of eating snack type foods all day rather than sitting alone and eating a meal. Long story short to say, she didn’t enjoy cooking. She didn’t want to cook! Ashley was completely okay to eat an apple here, a handful of nuts a few minutes later, a chocolate bar here, a sandwich here, etc. all day long. She actually didn’t see any reason why we needed to have a big meal. But here is a problem solving method we adapted early on in our marriage. We use a 1-10 strategy. Each of us are allowed to rate how important that thing we want that we are not getting is to us. We made an agreement that if the other wants something at a 10, then even if we don’t FEEL like it, we will compromise in order to meet the other person’s desires. I (Percy) expressed to Ashley that I wanted a wife who cooked at a “10”. So, Ashley started cooking for me! Ha! It is noteworthy to add that she didn’t start cooking because she finally enjoyed it, but simply because she loved me enough to want to serve me through the “10” I had expressed to her. Can you believe that she has actually even written a cookbook and advises ladies almost weekly, if not daily, with healthy cooking tips? How ironic coming from the girl who used to consider a chocolate bar and a bowl of popcorn a good dinner!  Q: Sadly many couples don’t do pre-marital counseling and even the few that do are still in that infatuation stage so they aren’t really concentrating on the counseling advice received. Subsequently, they find the first year of marriage is harder than they expected and they want out. What do you advise those couples? A: The biggest mistake most couples make is they assume the “honeymoon” phase will continue and marriage will be everything they expect it to be without realizing a good marriage takes a lot of work! You have to talk even when you don’t want to talk about your feelings. You have to serve another person when you don’t feel like it. You have to make compromises. You have to share. You have to learn to communicate and share life with someone. That isn’t easy. It must be intentional. We hope if you are reading this book, it means that you are trying to be intentional about putting some effort into improving your marriage. Another misconception is “we don’t need counseling” or “we don’t need to work on our marriage. We are fine.” Couples tend to coast on autopilot right into complete apathy. They end up living under the same roof but living parallel lives because they never put the work into learning how to merge their two lives into one. Taking two Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 15

people’s world views, finances, time, social habits, religious beliefs and personalities and learning how to blend them so that you truly SHARE life together is not easy. That can only happen with constant, open and honest communication. It isn’t always easy, but we are a living testimony that it is WORTH the effort! Lastly, if the relationship dynamic has changed, examine yourself and see if YOU have changed. In that dating phase, you find that you pursued one another. You listened to each other. You made compromises. You were always saying sweet things. Life can get busy and you can begin taking each other for granted. There is a verse in the Bible, Matthew 7:4-5, which says, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Instead of saying to your spouse, “here are all the things you are doing wrong and all the things you could do better to make me happier.” Start looking first at yourself! In fact, we would even go so far as to ask your spouse, “What are some things you think I could improve on to make you happier?” You might find as you begin to treat her/him differently and take the focus off fault finding, she/he begins to change because the problem was not them but you and your mindset! Q: God ordains a Christian couple to stay together til death do them part, but there are so many divorces even in the church. What can you advise that Christian couple that is contemplating divorce because the marriage isn’t meeting their expectations? A: To start off with, as people we are very selfish beings. It is in our nature. Thinking of what pleases me is what comes naturally. Finding fault in others is what our brains naturally do in default mode. Consequently, I (Ashley) can tell you one of my first lines of defense in my own marriage when I am just feeling easily agitated and a sense of overall dissatisfaction is to go back to God. Percy will even say, “Can you go read your Bible and get some TRUTH into your life? I am seeing a little too much Ashley and not enough Jesus in your actions!” Some might get offended if their spouse said that, but we have given each other permission to call that out whenever we see it in each other. I have learned he is right. When we’re walking in the “flesh”, we tend to not be as easy to live with as when we are walking in love and in the Spirit. We’re both happier when we’re daily surrendering our wills to God and saying “Use me God to be a blessing to others.” Therefore, our advice to that couple would be similar to the advice we give ourselves as a couple. Go back to God. Voice your hurts and frustrations. “Lord, we need help! On our own, we are failing!” That is okay! We are all sinners in need of a Savior so no shame in accepting help from the God who has all the answers and can transform If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 16

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations you from within. Until those two selfish people come to a place where they desire to live for something greater than themselves, it doesn’t matter how much head knowledge they have about what will make their marriage better, in the heat of the moment, out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth will speak. Sadly, the body of Christ (the church) is too quick sometimes to say irreconcilable differences when they need to be saying, “You two need to go get right with your Creator!” Sometimes the love really has run dry because you are in desperate need of a supernatural refill from the God who created you. You have nothing to give because you are empty. Once God fills you and you experience His touch and His love consumes you, you have something to give. Another component that contributes to failed marriages in the church is bad advice. By over-spiritualizing things and trying to make everything holy we do our brothers and sisters a disservice. A couple comes to us and confides that they are struggling, and we say “We will pray for you.” WE BELIEVE IN THE POWER of prayer but sometimes that couple needs serious counseling, and of course prior to counseling the couple, we ought to immerse ourselves in prayer in preparation for the counseling session. They need us to find time in our schedule and listen to them and give them practical advice. Meanwhile, we are too busy with our prayer meetings and Bible Studies to set time aside to get in the trenches and deal with real people with real problems! As a result, they turn elsewhere for counsel. The man resorts to avoiding home and going out with the guys who bash women and start pressuring him to look at this other lady who is looking good tonight. The woman calls her friends and they vent about how bad their husbands are. Slowly, the single life looks more and more attractive. Be very careful with the counsel you receive. Be mindful also that the people you hang around with will influence the way you see the world, yourself and your marriage. Do you respect their lives enough to give them that power over you? Be intentional about choosing to surround yourself with people you admire and who will put the time in to help guide you to become the individual and the couple you both desire to be. And last but not least, LISTEN to what those you hang with have to say. Sometimes we choose to hang out with the certain friends because they tell us what we WANT to hear and not what we NEED to hear! It is uncomfortable when someone begins to point out areas of weakness in your life. The Bible says a fool refuses rebuke! If you know you have a problem, humble yourself to heed the advice of others, especially those people who have walked life with you long enough to call a spade and spade and point out areas of improvement in your life. Don’t be so proud that you avoid the person who could actually help you the most! Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 17

Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your spouse to help you deal more deeply with this issue of Unmet Expectations. This list is not exhaustive but just meant to get the ball rolling towards better communication about serious issues affecting everyone's marriage. Q: When you pictured your marriage, what are some things you visualized? Make sure to include what you expected meal times to look like, who did what duties in the home, what you expected your kids to act like, how your relationship to your in-laws would be like, how often you would make love, would you fight… Try and think of all of this so that you really get to the root of why you might be frustrated or feel unfulfilled in your marriage. The first step in solving any problem is to go back and figure out what the problem is in the first place. In the case of unmet expectations, sometimes your spouse has no idea what she/he did wrong. But the reality is you just expected something different from what you are experiencing. So, think hard and write it out here. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Think about your marriage right now. What do you like about it? Be specific with as many examples as possible! Your spouse needs to know you see a LOT OF GOOD and not just negatives! In fact, this is a good habit to get into – CHOOSING to think about the good in your marriage. Make sure as a couple you do this kind of exercise at least twice a year to evaluate where you are in your marriage. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 18

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations Q: What do you feel could be improved? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ Once you have written your list of what you expected in marriage, you and your spouse should look at each other’s list. NOTE: Make some ground rules first to prevent this honest discussion from becoming a fight, such as:  We are doing this because we want to have the best marriage possible.  We understand the other person is not insulting us if we are not doing something, but rather just honestly trying to say this is an area I am not feeling completely satisfied in our marriage.  Both will decide if any of the expectations or areas of improvement are realistic. CHALLENGE: If the expectations are not realistic, then the other spouse will verbally say “I did expect this and that, but I now realize that it isn’t realistic to expect it and I am sorry for holding you to an impossible standard that leads me to feel frustration that has nothing to do with you, but rather with me. CHALLENGE: If the expectations are realistic but just take some work, then each spouse needs to come up with an action plan of how to improve on her/his roles to better meet the needs of the other. Write down what specific things you are going to work on to please your spouse and make your marriage everything they dreamed it would be. Commit to 1 thing at a time so you’re not overwhelmed. Also, dealing with one issue at a time makes it easier to track progress. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 19

__________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What do you feel like your purpose is? Why do you exist on planet earth? What unique skills or personality do you have that others don’t and how are you using those to help the world become a better place? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: What drives you to do what you do and get up every day? What guides you to make decisions? Whose voice do you hear in your mind when you are saying yes or no to various endeavors? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: After thinking about your purpose, how you make decisions, and what skills you have that you enjoy using to bless others, think about this. Where does your spouse fit in? Can she/he encourage you to become a better person and feel more fulfilled internally? How can he/she do that in a way that will uplift you, hold you accountable and encourage you to fulfill your purpose? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 20

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations Q: We talked about the chemical makeup of \"love\" during this episode in order to help people have realistic expectations of how they will feel \"love\" in marriage. Did that offer any encouragement to you? Does it help you in anyway if you are tempted to look elsewhere because you no longer \"feel love\" for your spouse? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ What is your mental plan of action when you feel those feelings and temptations to look elsewhere in order to fulfill the desire to “feel in love” and enjoy that “high”? The temptation is going to come, so you are better off coming up with an action plan for what you will do when you no longer feel love for your spouse and are tempted to look elsewhere. In the Bible Job 31:1 says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” Many of us might not be able to say what Job said but we still need an action plan. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Selfishness is a real problem in marriages where one or both spouses expect the other person to give, make compromises and put work into marriage but they are not willing to do the same. We gave reasons why that selfish person is actually missing out on. Do you agree with our assessment? Do you feel that you are mostly selfless or selfish in your marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 21

__________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Challenge: Ask your spouse to give you one specific way you can work on meeting their needs this week and then see if it doesn't give you joy to serve another person selflessly. Q: One of the issues raised in this episode was the question of who is counseling you in your life and in your marriage. Make a list of people you ask for advice from when trouble comes in your life. Who do you spend the most time with and thus feel the most comfortable sharing your struggles? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Now make a list of people in your life that you respect and want to emulate. Friends, family members, work colleagues, church members, etc. Think of those people whose lives you admire and would value their input into helping you move forward in your personal and marital life. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Now, ask yourself, whose voices are you spending the most time listening to? Sometimes we inadvertently allow ourselves to spend most of our time with people who don’t pour value into our lives and then we wonder why we aren’t progressing. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 22

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Unmet Expectations Challenge: This week make time to talk to someone you respect. Make a list of questions to ask them about areas that you feel you are not victorious in and ask them what their secret is. The Bible in Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” It also says in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” Don’t be surprised if your life mirrors those you spend the most time with. You have the power to choose to surround yourself with people who will lift you up as opposed to people who will pull you down. Q: Was there any other point raised that you would like to discuss with your spouse? Was there anything you learned that will help you improve your marriage? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 23

Communication Communication is the BEDROCK to a good marriage. Actually, good communication skills will take you far in ANY relationship you have whether in your family or in your workplace. It is a worthy investment to take time to work on your communication skills! In marriage, this is one skill you will use EVERY SINGLE DAY with your spouse until you die! Good communication is when you are talking WITH each other, not AT each other. Just because you are talking does not mean you are communicating effectively!  Learning to communicate successfully where you can really understand the heart of the person talking is a gift you give yourself. You are ensuring there is one person who knows you, loves you, cares about your struggles and your victories, and wants to hear about your life. Investing into learning to communicate with your spouse guarantees you a better marriage and most likely a best friend to share your life with! Q: Do men and women communicate differently? A: Typically, yes! Generally, women talk to process their emotions and thoughts. This is why women derive great pleasure out of just chatting on the phone with their girlfriends analyzing something that happened. They are actually helping the other to process their emotions. Men, on the other hand, usually think privately and speak once they have formulated their opinion and have an idea on exactly what they are feeling. Making it This was a problem for Percy and me (Ashley) when we got married Practical because many times I would come home and tell him about an event that happened. Then, I would pick it apart – rehashing out each word spoken and analyzing what that possibly could have meant. He could NOT understand that. First of all, he would bluntly say, “you have no idea what that person was thinking so why waste your time analyzing that?” Then he would say, “Why are you telling me this? Do you need my advice?” Percy’s brain was geared to talk because there was a POINT to talking- Surely, I needed advice or a solution. However, for me, I actually just needed to talk it out. In fact, sometimes I didn’t need him to solve anything! I just needed to be heard! I just needed to vent and express verbally how upset I was or how happy I was and I just needed to feel he cared about my emotions. Sometimes, if there was a problem to be solved, by the time I said it out loud, the solution would actually come to me because I was talking to process. Let me (Percy) give a man’s perspective here: For a man typically the idea that a woman wants to talk just for the sake of talking doesn’t make sense to him at all! I really struggled with this one at the beginning of our marriage. Ashley would start If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 24

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication talking. Feeling the need to solve her problems, I would feel like I needed to give unsolicited advice. Ashley would not appreciate at all because sometimes she wanted to process her thoughts and other times she would just want to vent. Tension mounted because it would annoy me that she would want to just talk, and I couldn’t offer a solution. On the other hand, when it was my turn to share about my day I would literally take less than a minute. It usually went like this…”Percy how was your day?” I would then answer, “Fine.” Conversation over. It is not that I didn’t want to share about my day with her. I had processed the events of my day in my head and had concluded that nothing was special enough in the day to merit worth wasting my time sharing about it. However, for Ashley it didn’t matter if I thought the day was uneventful, she simply wanted to know all the activities of my day so she could feel an emotional connection with me. Let’s summarize what we said above with some take away tips for better understanding communication with the opposite sex. Men, you can improve by: listening to her long stories and giving her your full attention, even if in your mind you are thinking, “When will she get to the point?” ha!  Women, you can improve by: Using as many facts as possible because you lose his respect when you get overly dramatic and use words like “always and never” such as “You never come home on time!” or “You always make excuses when I ask you to ….” You are more likely to effectively communicate with him if you think about what you want to say ahead of time to avoid rambling and stick to facts and get straight to the point. Q: Some people were never taught proper communication from an elementary level so that continues in their marriages and in their work places. What advice would you give to improve communication skills? A: A popular African saying is that children should be seen and not heard. From an elementary level, there is this notion that he/she is just a child. We aren’t going to listen to his/her opinion. When this type of parenting is used, children are rarely asked to give details on how their day was, who hurt them, what they liked, what was difficult, etc. No one really gives their emotional state a second thought because after all, they are just a child. That child grows up never really even learning to express what is going on in their minds. They perfect the art of small talk and feel uncomfortable when asked questions that probe too deeply because they were not raised to discuss those “private” things. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 25

Soon that child grows up. Now in marriage, suddenly someone actually cares about what you did all day, what emotions you felt, what you are thinking, etc. Many times this causes problems. It is not always because the person is not WILLING to talk but simply they don’t know HOW to really self-introspect and talk beyond just laying out the facts because no one has really ever shown interest to hear their deepest thoughts. If this is the case in your marriage, don’t lose hope. It might take a bit of work but it is possible to gain deeper emotional intimacy! Making it Let me (Percy) give a personal example. When I first met Ashley I Practical couldn’t express myself. Ironically, I had been a leader in school (Head- Boy in Senior/High School) and church (youth group), so as you can imagine I actually thought I knew how to communicate. In actual effect, the skill I had mastered was talking at people through presentations, preaching and speeches! There is nothing wrong with that skill, however, in a relationship there are 2 people and both want to speak and be heard. Although I had a lot to say to Ashley I found it very difficult to express my thoughts and feelings. Let me explain what I mean in case you’re reading this and confused as to what I’m talking about. Let’s say I was angry about something. I had the choice to openly share with Ashley why I was angry. Alternatively, I could simply lash out at her, or I could even suppress the feeling of anger for fear of avoiding a possible disagreement/fight with her. During our earlier years in marriage, I would choose either to suppress the feeling or lash out almost all the time. This was very unhealthy and needed to change. I thank God that He blessed me with a very patient wife who allowed me to grow in the skill of being able to express myself without judging me, but rather asking me questions that often felt uncomfortable. As I got more used to answering them, it helped me to open up more and better express myself. I’m still not perfect at the skill, but I always try my best to make sure I am able to express my thoughts and feelings both at home and at the workplace. Let’s conclude by giving specific tips to improve your communication skills:  Analyze how you feel and how you react or respond to situations.  Acknowledge your emotions (anger, joy, fear, sadness, love, etc.) and responses to them (yelling, crying, running, avoiding, suppressing, etc.). The point is to learn to deal with your emotions effectively.  Write down how you feel in a journal (notebook/phone) so that you can track your emotions and how you react or respond to them.  Express the emotions verbally. Hopefully by the time you get to number 3 then you’ve learned to own your feelings so that you can learn to express them. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 26

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication Challenge: If you want to deepen your emotional connection, set a timer for 30 minutes each day. During that time, turn off your cell phones, the TV, or any electronic distraction. Wait until the kids have gone to bed and just talk. Make sure to look each other in the eye. Even if you have nothing to say, maintain eye contact during this time. Try it for one week and see if you don’t feel closer by the end of the week. Q: What are the different levels of communication? A: There are different levels of communication. 1) Small Talk – this really isn’t saying anything meaningful but sometimes it is better than silence. “How’s the weather?” “How are you?” 2) Factual conversations – This centers around simply stating facts. “Are you picking up the kids?” “What time will you be home from work?” “Are we going to that event this weekend?” It doesn’t open you up to anyone emotionally but it is a bit deeper than small talk. 3) Opinions – Opinions is now a bit deeper but it still doesn’t necessarily share your heart and reveal your innermost thoughts. “What did you think of the elections?” “I don’t like going to these events.” “I love football.” We are starting to get to know a bit more about you, but you can share your opinions with someone in the grocery store line. It wouldn’t be awkward if the two of you had passed through small talk and were still wanting to engage further. Let’s actually use that as an example to help see the progression of a conversation. You meet someone in the grocery store checkout line. You make eye contact and feel you would like to get to know the person a bit more. You would naturally first start with small talk. “How are you?” Then, you would move to facts. “Did you see the sale on milk?” Now, it progresses to opinions. “I love when they have a sale on milk because I can save money buying in bulk.” Do you see how the conversation naturally progresses? Now, let’s talk about the 4th level. 4) Feeling, Emotions, Needs & Beliefs – What do you need? What do you believe? What shapes how you view the world? What hurts you? What makes you experience joy? Many couples never get to this level because either they aren’t convinced the other person really cares to hear their heart and their deepest needs or they are afraid if they share what they need, their spouse will view them as needy. Alternatively, they might avoid sharing their genuine emotions because they are afraid by sharing what they really believe, it might bring conflict into the conversation so it is better to stay with non-intrusive topics that don’t touch so deeply. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 27

Let’s go back to the grocery store conversation with the stranger. Imagine if now you took the conversation to the fourth level of communication and began to share your feelings and emotions behind why you are buying 4 jugs of milk. “Do you know why I am really buying 4 boxes of milk? It is really because as a child, my mom thought milk was a luxury so milk was something I only got as a treat. Now that I am older and can afford it, I still feel pain when I think about the things I missed out on as a child because of money. I am so conscience of this that sometimes I have realized I actually overbuy things simply because I think there is a deep seeded fear that I might run out of money again one day, and I want to enjoy these small luxuries while I can.” If you shared that with the random stranger in the checkout line, there is a good chance they would look at you like you were crazy! Why are you sharing these private details about your childhood and your fears with me? I don’t even know you! That is just odd! I am not your counselor! There are certain feelings and emotions that need a listening ear, a secure friendship and an earned trust. You have to WORK to get to that level where both partners feel comfortable really sharing their deepest feelings and emotions. Some people just don’t want to put in the work. It takes time and both of you have to feel safe and convinced the other person really wants to hear. Therefore, if you want to develop emotional intimacy in your relationship, you MUST work on really setting aside time to ask each other deep questions about what they really think. Here are some questions to get you started: “What do you really think about our marriage? I promise not to get defensive if you tell me areas you feel we can improve.” “What do you feel are my strengths and weaknesses as a parent? Are there areas you feel I could work on? I promise not to get mad. I want to hear what you really think.” “Where do you see us in 5 years? How do you think we will get there?” If you do not intentionally work on your communication skills, you will build up walls as more and more subjects become taboo subjects. You will slowly drift apart as you don’t feel comfortable sharing the truth. You will learn to hide your emotions to avoid an argument. You are robbing yourself of emotional intimacy and a best friend! This is worth the work! It might not be comfortable at first, but if you can truly listen to the other person and learn what they really think, in the end, you will feel closer! Q: What is the best way to communicate without hurting your partner’s feelings? If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 28

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication A: The first thing we must do is learn to listen. You must listen to understand the other person, not listening to respond. Just because you are not talking does not mean you are listening! When your spouse is talking to you, genuinely try and hear what he/she is saying. Try to understand from his/her perspective. Even if you don’t agree, really try and at least put yourself in his/her shoes. If you cannot do this, you are talking AT each other, not WITH each other. One specific technique which you can use to help you listen to understand better is called active listening. The idea is that you repeat back what you have heard to ensure when the person was talking, you were actually listening. Making it Let’s make this practical. Your spouse says, “I need you to pay school Practical fees today and pick up the kids at 3:00pm.” If you are actively listening, then you will repeat back, “Okay, I hear you saying I need to pay school fees and pick up our children at 3pm. I will do that darling.” Problem solved. Issue dealt with! However, in the absence of active listening, this is more likely what will happen. You say, “I need you to pay school fees today and pick up the kids at 3:00pm.” Your spouse responds with a uh-huh… a little grunt that somewhat communicates he heard you talking. You get busy doing other things and midway through the morning, you think back to the conversation and begin to second guess if he really heard you. You send him a text saying did you hear what I said in the morning. He is now getting annoyed and feeling nagged and responds curtly with a “yes”. You are thinking wait does this yes mean he will do it or yes he heard me? You then proceed to call because you are still unsure of whether the school fees will be paid and the child will be picked up. Now he is very annoyed and responds with great frustration, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?? Why don’t you trust me?” You most likely respond by rehashing a time he did NOT do what he said. He then gets angry and defensive and reminds you that you are not perfect either. By the time he picks up the child, he is angry at the child and angry at you! All of this could have been avoided with active listening. Nagging is significantly reduced from a marriage when active listening is used frequently. HOWEVER, there is one more key ingredient to completely eliminate nagging: You MUST do what you say! Your word needs to mean something. Even if you say, “yes sweetie, I will pick up the children and pay school fees”, if you do not DO it, then your spouse will probably still call you 3 times to remind you and the inevitable fight will still happen. Why? Because trust is earned if your spouse knows you always tell the truth. Likewise, trust is eroded when the other person doesn’t keep their word. It is ESSENTIAL in a good marriage to mean what you say and do what you say you are going to do. Communication is useless if you are just saying what the other person wants to hear at that moment knowing full well you have no intention to actually follow through with that. You can NOT just talk to talk, but you have to walk Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 29

the walk! You cannot blame your spouse for always being on your case if you make a habit of speaking lies. Q: Many women feel like their husband’s inability or unwillingness to keep his promises and be trustworthy causes them to nag. They feel like they are treating their husband more like a child than a husband. He hates this condescending attitude and she resents feeling more like a mother than a lover and friend. Are there any tips you can advise couples in that situation? A: First of all, every woman should know that a man wants to be respected. He does NOT want to feel like he is being TOLD what to do. As his wife, you are not his mother but his friend, so the last thing he wants is to feel like you are commanding him around. Here is a small tip that goes a long way! Use “I feel” instead of “you”. Making it A simple way to improve communication and undesirable actions is to Practical focus on how the action makes you feel. Instead of saying, “You always come home late” – “I feel like you come home late often. I know that may not be the reality, but that is what I am feeling.” That allows the other person to either lay out facts that show the truth is contrary to your feelings or apologize and say, “I am sorry you feel that way. I will try and improve.” Using I instead of you takes the other person out of the hot seat. Any time you tell someone YOU are doing this wrong… they will get defensive and tell you either why they are NOT wrong or return it with a retort that tells you all the things YOU are doing wrong. The problem rarely gets solved and both feel condemned and judged. Deal with the root problem. That action is hurting your feelings. Help the person to understand the emotional reaction to their action. It could be that the action doesn’t have a solution so the person gets defensive because he/she can’t change the action. But, if you deal with the EMOTION – there is always a solution for how to change that! Going back to the example of the person coming home late from work. The emotion you probably feel is like your partner values work more than family. You may feel overwhelmed with the children and need his help and you feel his coming home late is him avoiding chores. You may be looking forward to spending time with him and the fact that he doesn’t dash home as soon as the clock hits 5:00pm makes you feel he isn’t looking forward to seeing you with the same excitement. Those are the EMOTIONS that his actions are making you feel. Now, let’s talk about the solution. The fact is he might really just NOT be able to get home any earlier! Perhaps that is due to an overbearing boss or busy city traffic, but If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 30

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication you two can come up with a solution to help you not feel the emotions that his tardiness leads you to feel. For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed and need him home because you need help with the kids, the two of you might agree that when he does come home, you get to totally check out and go play on your phone or watch TV while he fully takes the kids for an hour to put them to bed. If you feel he isn’t excited to see you, you two may decide he will make a more concentrated effort to communicate with you throughout the day assuring you that you are on his mind and he is totally in love with you! Our point is when you deal with the EMOTION, problems are much easier to solve than spending excessive time blaming the other person saying YOU did this or that. Next time you are hurt, before you say “YOU DID…”, stop and think – why does this bother me so much? What am I feeling and try and communicate “I” feel…. See if it helps solve the problem faster! Making it Another example could be that you need something picked up at the Practical grocery store. You could tell him to do it, like his mother would. He will feel disrespected and he might not even do it just to show you he is the MAN and he will not be bossed around by you! Or he might do it, but inside he is building pegs of resentment towards you for ordering him around. So, let’s use the “I” method and see how that would work in this scenario. You call him. Ask how his day is going. Then say, “I am feeling so overwhelmed here at the house. I am trying to get dinner on the table and finish helping kids with homework. It would be so helpful to me if you could stop by the grocery store so that is one less thing I still have to do tonight. That will help us to have a more relaxed house tonight if I am not so stressed out.” You are asking nicely and giving him the opportunity to swoop in and be your knight in shining armor. He is being given a specific way he can protect and serve you. Now, you find he actually even may pick up a little extra chocolate for you just to make you smile knowing you are feeling overwhelmed because by using “I”, you have spoken to him on a heart level. He feels like his actions are going to make you happy. Q: Is it a bad thing to walk away in a heated argument so that I don’t say something I regret? Is it bad to leave when issues have not been solved? A: In theory, it isn’t bad to walk away if you are losing control. However, generally, if you haven’t learned how to properly communicate and deal with conflict, then you leave thinking you will come back to it, but then after you have cooled down, neither of you wants to return to that place. Usually by walking away you will end up blocking the conflict from being resolved or avoiding the issue indefinitely. Consequently, the Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 31

issue isn’t resolved and a peg of resentment is building up. And then one day, due to so many unresolved issues piling up, you just explode! Making it We would encourage you to say something like this, “I am tempted to Practical walk away right now. The way I feel about you right now is not nice. But, I am committed to this relationship and I am committed to working THROUGH our problems and not avoiding them, so let’s discuss this.” Be honest. Try and express your true emotions. Now, the starting place is to take a deep breath and put on those “listening ears to understand” what we talked about earlier. Ask the other person to explain why they did what they did or said what they said that upset you. Remember to use your “I feel” when you explain your side. If you know you were wrong, this would be a good time to just own up to your mistake rather than drag out the fight. But, if you feel what you did or said was justified, then try and logically explain that “I shouldn’t have used that word with you. That was wrong. But, the reason I did that/said that was because I have been feeling…” Here is another important tip we have learned over the years. CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THE BEST in the other person. When we first got married, we were awful about saying, “NO! That isn’t what you meant! You knew that would hurt me when you said it!” or something to that extent. The person could have genuinely said something the wrong way by accident but suddenly now we were claiming to be mind readers and telling the other person the motives behind their words/actions. We finally just realized that was a circular endless fight and the best way to end it was to choose to believe the best in the other person rather than doubt their good intentions. Making it Let us give an example. A wife says, “Sally’s husband fixed their gate Practical today. I hope you can fix our gate soon.” The husband responds, “Well, if you think Sally’s husband is so great then you should have married him! You are always judging me and making me feel like I don’t do enough around the house! I hate that!” The wife responds, “I didn’t mean to compare you or to make you feel you don’t help around the house. I was just honestly telling you about Sally’s husband, and it just reminded me that our gate needs to be fixed also.” You say, “NO! I know what you meant! You are always cutting me down and not appreciating me!” Now the wife responds, “So now you are reading my brain cells!?!? I did NOT say that!” “I know what you meant…” You get the drift. This argument can go on in circles for hours! We just decided to make a rule that we would trust the other person. If the person says that is not what they meant, then we trust them. We do, however, offer a solution for how that would be better worded next time so it isn’t “heard” with judgement. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 32

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication Another thing that a man needs to remember is that women are expressive! They tend to raise their voice more and get more animated. Women, remember that is a turn off to a man who likes to keep things rational and non-dramatic. But, men remember that telling her to “calm down” is not going to help. It will make her feel like you don’t understand how hurt she is and how badly she needs to tell you how she feels. The temptation might be to make a comment, “You are irrational and disrespectful. Let’s talk about this when you are calm.” You are putting that women in a pressure cooker to just BOIL if she can’t say how she feels RIGHT NOW! Therefore, try by all means to patiently listen and you will find once she has been heard, she will naturally calm down. But, women remember that he will “hear” you better if you aren’t shouting and you stick to facts rather than wild accusations and assumptions. One last tip on this issue of how to solve conflicts that are so bad you want to walk away is to agree for both of you to go spend some time in prayer and Bible Study. Agree that the fighting is now unproductive and you need a 30 minute break before you meet back to finish the discussion. I can testify that for me, (Ashley), when I have been very busy and haven’t had time to get before my Savior and allow Him to speak to my heart and calm my Spirit, I am just more easily agitated. The Bible talks about how the fruit of the Spirit is self-control, patience, gentleness, among others. Sometimes, the problems we are having are easily solved when I get out of the way and allow the Holy Spirit to dominate. He quickly points out what I have done wrong and convicts me, humbles me, then fills me with love and peace. Just by changing my focus off me to put it onto God and allowing Him to reign in my life, the total atmosphere of the house changes for the better. Q: Is a couple ever too old to begin working on improving their communication? A: No! As long as you are both willing, there is always room for improvement! It might be a bit harder for you than a younger couple, because old habits are hard to break, but not impossible if you want to put the effort into diving deeper into emotional intimacy and strengthening your friendship bond. You will need to sit down and come up with action oriented measurable goals.  How do you define improved conversation?  How long would you like to spend talking this week?  What areas do you specifically want to work on so that you can measure progress?  Be specific. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 33

If you don’t have specific goals, then you will talk for one day. The next day you will be tired so you will resort back to old habits – perhaps the lady gets on her phone and the man sits and watches TV. You both agree you need to work on communication, but you are both tired, so you agree to start tomorrow. Soon, so many tomorrows have passed that years pass by! You can use the challenge we talked about earlier where you set aside 30 minutes every day to talk. You can also each take a challenge to ask each other some deep questions each day just to help get the conversation rolling about something other than the kids, work, or the home. We will even help you with 10 open ended conversation starters below.  Where would you go on vacation if money wasn’t an option?  The thing I love most about my job is….  The quality in myself that I am most proud of is….  One of my favorite childhood memories is…  If you didn’t have to think about making money, what would be your ideal job?  In what way are you most like your father/mother?  The quality I respect most in you (your spouse) is…  What was your favorite TV show to watch as a child?  Who is the most genuine spiritual person you know? What attributes do you want to emulate from their life?  How would you rate your spiritual life on a scale of 1-10 and explain what you can do to improve it? Q: Is it okay to use the silent treatment to express yourself? A: The temptation has come for every one of us to use the silent treatment at some point. Basically, we tried to verbally communicate and our spouse didn’t hear it the way we hoped. In fact, maybe it even made things worse. The silent treatment entices us because we think, “I will show him/her. I just won’t talk at all until he/she misses me and they come back WANTING me to talk. Then, I might be able to finally say what I really feel and she/he will listen.” The other lure of the silent treatment is that most likely your pride has been hurt in some way by the other person. You do not feel valued, desired, or pursued. You feel like you are being taken for granted. The silent treatment sets you up for a situation If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 34

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication where now your spouse will need to pursue you and show you that you are valued in order to get you to talk again. It is a method to try and gain back a sense of self- worth and affirmation after you have been hurt. By “punishing” them with totally ignoring them, the hope is they will actually value and look forward to when you finally speak to them again. We UNDERSTAND why couples resort to silent treatment, but still we do not recommend it! The problem with any “punishment” in marriage is that it causes secondary problems that result because of dealing with the problem through “punishment” rather than dealing with it directly and positively. It is playing games! Games don’t always give you the results you want. They are a gamble! The fact of the matter is the silent treatment does not solve any issue. It just avoids the issue which you will still have to deal with later, but by delaying it and ignoring the other person, there are going to now be additional issues that have to be dealt with. UNLESS you just do NOT talk about it, in which case issues continue to build and emotional intimacy continues to be eroded! You might continue to co- exist in the home, but neither of you will feel total marital bliss and friendship because there are too many egg shells you are afraid to step on and upset the other person. Your home becomes an emotional landmine when you have unresolved issues where you are constantly having to think about what you say for fear of setting off a bomb and unleashing the built up anger and frustration in the other person. Honestly, we advise you just DEAL with it so your home becomes a place of freedom, love and peace. Next time you are tempted to use the silent treatment, say what you feel. “Right now, I am tempted to not talk to you. I FEEL hurt. I feel like you are not HEARING me. I feel like we are not compromising to work together towards solving this problem. I FEEL….” Think about how you are feeling and express it. Then say, “Despite the fact that I feel tempted to walk away, I do desire a better friendship and greater emotional intimacy so I am committed to work this out. Will you also commit to staying by my side and talking this problem out until we can either agree to disagree or reach a compromise?” Another tip we can give you is to practice how you will handle these spicy emotionally charged conversations BEFORE they happen. For us, we find that even with best intentions, when we’re REALLY mad, we don’t think straight. It has been helpful for us to role play and plan ahead of time for “how” we are going to fight effectively. Making it For example, a trigger point for a lot of our disagreements is the car. Practical Percy is driving down the road and I (Ashley) feel he is going too fast to stop at the red light. I yell out, “PERCY, do you see that?” He angrily retorts, “Do you want to drive? If not, then keep quiet! I know what I am doing!” We know all the communication “tricks” but in that moment, my life is flashing before my eyes as I picture us hurdling through the intersection and getting hit by cars on all sides. There is no time for calm talk! He feels nagged and untrusted. We realized Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 35

during that heated moment is not the time to try out our communication skills. It is better to role play ahead of time since we know our trigger times. That conversation may go like this. “Percy, why do you respond so mean to me when I try and protect our lives?” He, thinking about his feelings, would respond, “Ashley, I am always trying to protect our family. It is hurtful to me when you don’t trust my driving skills and think you can do it better. It makes me feel like you aren’t respecting me and my ability to protect you. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me. It is not a nice feeling.” Now that I understand he isn’t trying to be mean but rather my choice of words is hurtful and disrespectful to him, I am able to gently say, “Okay that is fair. I sincerely apologize for disrespecting and not trusting you. I didn’t mean to do that. I hope you understand that wasn’t my intention. Do you forgive me?” (Once he forgives me, then we move on to future incidents). This is how to role play: Moving forward, what can I do or say in the car if I don’t feel safe? He might say (using his listening to HEAR skills), “I understand that you are feeling unsafe and that is valid, but I don’t respond well to you yelling at me. Could you calmly say, “’Do you see the light? That allows me to simply say yes without it starting a fight.” After this role play, next time the scenario plays out, we are ready! It may take a few times to work out the kinks and go back to the drawing board, but because we are willing to work on it, in our 19 years together, we have yet to come up with a scenario that we can’t figure out how to solve productively! To make this very practical, we will give you another tip. Use reverse role play. This is similar to role play, but the difference is you each pretend to be the other person so that you are putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Many times we realize there really isn’t a solution to the issue but we both just need to feel like the other person understands us. Let me give you an example of what this looks like when we are fighting because he is coming home late. I feel overwhelmed with the household chores, and he feels like I don’t understand that he is exhausted after a long day’s work. Reverse role play helps to ensure that we do “get” each other’s burdens. So Percy (now pretending to be me), “I don’t understand why I have to keep telling you over and over that I need your help around the house. Tell your boss that unless he is paying enough overtime to pay for someone to help me, then you need to leave at 5:00pm! I am exhausted because I have been with the kids all day. I have cleaned up milk off the floor more times than I can count. I have a headache from listening to them cry. I am so lonely! I just want to talk to an adult and have someone else share this burden of the house and kids. I literally count down the minutes until you walk in the door and when you are late, every second I am still alone feels like torture!” Me (pretending to be Percy), “Sweetie, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to be home with the kids. But, I am working so hard to take care of our family. I get yelled If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 36

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication at work and deal with stresses there and then I just want to come home to my beautiful wife and kids and I walk in the door and you start telling me I messed up again! It is degrading and discouraging and makes me not even want to come home at all! Instead of appreciating all the hard work I am doing, you expect more!” In the reverse role playing, we both are able to hear that the other person really does UNDERSTAND us, but the fact is sometimes he just can’t get home any earlier than he does. There isn’t a solution per say but we both feel better knowing we truly do understand each other. If the two of you decide that you want to work out your problems and are willing to work on your communication skills, we firmly believe that you will not need to use the silent treatment. Go back through this episode/book many times and really start to practice all the different skills we are teaching. The key is to BOTH WORK ON IT. You won’t get it perfect the first time (nor the millionth time). Communication is something you have to keep working on for the rest of your life, but the amazing friendship you build when you are ready to swallow your pride, listen to the other person, admit your mistakes, and make compromises to please each other is SOOO WORTH IT!!! Below are questions for YOU to do either alone or with your spouse to help you deal more deeply with this issue of Communication. Q: We discussed in this episode about the benefits of active listening. Can you give a scenario of when you would appreciate if your spouse active listened? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: We also discussed how critical it is to trust each other’s word. If you are saying one thing, but doing another, even if you are saying the “right” thing, it will cause a lot of conflict. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you trust your spouse’s word if she/he promises to do something? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 37

__________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Hopefully, you didn’t just say what she/he wanted to hear. I hope you were honest because that is where genuine emotional intimacy starts. Assuming you were, can you give an example of an area that you feel YOU can work on speaking the truth in love and become a more honest communicator? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: With which level of conversation do the two of you normally communicate? (Small talk, facts, opinions, feelings, emotions, needs & beliefs) __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Can you attempt to share one deep thing about a sad childhood memory, a person who really hurt you, an event that made you really proud, etc. Just try and share something you have never verbalized before to really try and open up your heart and make yourself vulnerable to your spouse. (If your spouse does this, PLEASE turn off all electronics and make yourself a safe space and show interest!) __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 38

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Communication Q: We talked about how men and women communicate differently. Can you write down two ways you would like your spouse to communicate differently so that you would “hear” her/him better? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: When you talk, do you feel your spouse is interested? Rate on a scale of 1-10. __________________________________________________________________ Q: Can you write down 2 things your spouse could do to convince you he/she is really interested in whatever you want to say? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: Do you normally walk away during arguments or stay and solve them no matter how uncomfortable? After this episode, what do you feel you will change about the way you solve issues? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Do you have any unresolved issues that you now feel like you want to attempt to solve in an effort to put into practice some of the tips you learned in this episode? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 39

__________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: We joked that when we first got married, I (Ashley) would ask Percy about his day at work, he would say fine and that was it. We gave solutions to how we have worked together to improve this area of communication. Do you feel these tips could help in your marriage? If so, which specific tips do you intend to try? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ Q: We challenged you to spend 30 minutes each day where you turn off electronics, look each other in the eye and talk. Are you willing to try that for one week? Yes or no? __________________________________________________________________ Q: We talked about scenarios that always make us fight. Do you have places or situations that always seem to bring out the worst in you? What can you do to prepare so that when the \"heat is on\" you have a battle plan to prevent blow ups? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 40

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage Preparing for Marriage This particular episode was directed at single people preparing for marriage. One of the biggest problems with couples we have counselled is that they are not prepared for marriage. They don’t know what to look for in a spouse, how to set a good foundation for a healthy long term relationship, or how to prepare themselves to be a good spouse. They spend thousands upon thousands preparing for the wedding DAY but little to no time preparing for the marriage which should last a LIFETIME. We need to change this bad habit and encourage couples that marriage is a lifelong covenant not to be entered into lightly. First, let’s cover some basic tips on preparing for a great marriage. 1) Spend some time figuring out what your purpose is. If you can figure out what drives you, what you want to accomplish in life and what you are good at, then seek out a life partner who helps you be all that you feel God has called you to be. Find someone with a like-minded goal so you can run the race together. 2) Make sure you are happy and content with who you are. Do not expect marriage to make you happy. Happy marriages are made up of two people who are individually content. 3) Great marriages are made up of two people who are willing to put the other person’s needs in front of their own. Start NOW finding ways to serve others. Build the character within you that looks to the needs of others and not just yourself. Selfish people don’t make good life partners. The relationship has to be about “we”, not “me”. 4) Do NOT AVOID CONFLICT! The temptation is to think “we will deal with that when we get married”. NO! You must talk about any issue you do not agree on! Do it now, even if it is uncomfortable so that you can see if you two can work out issues. You will NEVER find someone who is just like you. Conflict will happen. You will know you have found a life partner when you find someone you can work through your problems with and come out closer after a disagreement. If you can NOT work out your differences to either agree to disagree or learn to compromise and communicate effectively, then that is a good indication this is NOT a good choice for a life partner if you want a happy marriage. Some specific topics to get you started are: children (how to raise them, how many you want, how soon after marriage do you want them, how will you discipline, etc.), how will you spend money (will you have joint banking account, will you tell each other about the money you spend, what are your financial priorities, etc.), or dreams of where you want to be in 5 years, etc. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 41

TALK about everything. Do not assume you agree until you have discussed it at length. 5) You would rather be SINGLE wanting to get married than MARRIED and wanting to be single. Do not be desperate to get married to the point you unite yourself with someone you will spend the rest of your life feeling like you are stuck and want to get out. Rather the hope of finding the right person than the hope of divorce or death being your only way to freedom out of the mess you willingly walked into. 6) Become the kind of person you want to attract. Make a list of every quality you would want in a spouse. Look at that list and think – am I that kind of person? For example, when we counsel single men many times we find this scenario. The guy parties, goes out with different women, barely attends church but yet when you ask him what type of girl he wants to marry, he is quick to say “I want a good church going pure girl who is a virgin who will make a dedicated wife and mother.” Do you think that type of girl is going to be attracted to that type of guy? Become the kind of person you want to attract! 7) Be at a point where you are ready to sacrifice some of your friendships. Of course, you will not lose your friends, but if you want a good marriage, your spouse will need to become your best friend and the person you spend the most time with. We counsel so many couples who struggle because they want to get married but still go out with the guys/girls on weekends as if they were still single. A good marriage is based on a good friendship where you WANT to spend your free time with each other. Your social life will need to accommodate that. You will also need to be prepared to distance yourself from friends who do not support your marriage. For example, if you have a friend who doesn’t like your partner and bad mouths that person and doesn’t want them to be around, you might have to explain to them that your spouse now comes first and you want to put friends around you that support that choice. If you are not ready to make sure your spouse feels like they are important and truly your best friend, you may not be ready for marriage. Q: What is the reason for marriage? A: Since God created the institution of marriage, we will use the Biblical definition of marriage to answer this question. God created marriage to be a relationship where the two could become one and the women could become the helpmate to the husband. The Bible in Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” – meaning marriage is meant to create a new family. The Bible If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 42

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage outlines clearly in Ephesians 5:25 that, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. Christ left heaven (his comfort zone) to come to earth to save us. Christ forsook privileges he could have had in order to walk with us. He certainly had the means to live a luxurious life as the King of Kings, but he focused more on being with the people He loved over seeking earthly treasures. Christ served us sacrificially. Christ eventually thought more about us than about Himself and ultimately died so we could live. We can deduce then that when marriage was created by God. He expected the husband to be willing to leave his comfort zone to join with his wife. The two getting married need to be ready to separate from their parents and form a new independent family. God expects a man to lead his family sacrificially. His goal needs to be more about serving those he loves than focusing most of his attention on advancing his personal goals at the expense of spending time with his family. His focus needs to be more on providing for his family than fulfilling his materialistic wish lists. A wife living with this kind of husband who loves her and her family and lives to provide, nurture and protect his family should aim to be his help mate. Being a help mate does not mean that you don’t have your own job or your own aspirations. However, it does mean that you join him in the God-given vision he has cast for your family. As a wife you try to find ways to make his job easier and his load lighter. He should treat you like the Queen and you treat him like the King of the castle! When you have a marriage where the two of you are serving each other, loving each other and prioritizing how to make each other’s lives brighter and better, it becomes a FANTASTIC blessing. A marriage where two people are constantly saying “How can I make your life better?” is a gift you give yourself every day for the rest of your life! Q: How do you determine whether you are ready to get married? A: 1) Are you financially independent? You don’t have to be rich, but you are not ready to start your own family if you are still depending on someone else to support you. The reason for this is that a good marriage means LEAVING and CLEAVING to your spouse. It is hard to truly leave your parents if you still depend on them to pay your rent or buy your food. Your parents will not treat you as a grown up and you will eventually get frustrated and feel disrespected. Whoever is paying your bills will also be given too much control over what is supposed to now be YOUR family, and you will have to allow them that control or else they might withdraw their monetary support. Get married when you are able to start your new family without consistent support from an outside party. Also, keep in mind that good marriages many times start in very humble beginnings so do not wait until you are “rich” but just until you can pay your monthly bills together as a couple. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 43

2) Make sure you are at the same season of life. It will cause conflict if one person wants to travel the world while the other is ready to settle down and have a family, or if one person wants to go out and party every weekend and the other person wants to stay at home. Just make sure you two have similar goals. Also, this means that you might have found the right PERSON but it may not be the right TIME to get married. Wait until you both are on the same path and headed in the same directions or else one person will resent the other if they leave their path to please you but it isn’t what they wanted. For example, let’s say two people are dating. They are absolutely in love so the woman sacrifices her desire to move abroad and study. She had dreamed her whole life of becoming a doctor, but gave up that dream because her husband was ready to settle down and start a family. Soon, they are pregnant and she gets bogged down with the duties of being a wife and mother. Finances and time no longer allow her to go abroad and study and she begins to resent her children and husband for “robbing” her of her lifelong dreams. That is just an example as some may say choosing to forgo a career to start their family was the best decision they ever made. The point here is make sure you both are on the same path so there isn’t opportunity for future resentment. 3) Figure out your purpose so that you can find someone who shares that with you. You are about to start a lifelong journey with this person. We hope you are headed in the same direction! Make a list of what you are looking for and make sure that you explicitly determine some non-negotiables so that when your hormones kick in and you just want to be married, you don’t make compromises and lower your standard and spend a lifetime regretting it. Making it For example, let me (Ashley) give you some non-negotiables I made Practical before I got married. I will not marry a man who is physically abusive to me. I will not marry a man who is currently abusing any substance which causes his body and life harm. I will not marry a man who doesn’t love Jesus like I do. I will not marry a lazy man because I will ultimately not respect him. I will not marry a man who is not kind to others, because ultimately it is a good indication that once he is more comfortable to me he will not be respectful to me. I will only marry a man who wants children because children are important to me. You get the drift. These are just a few things that I had predetermined so that it was easy to not even look in the direction of some guys who wanted my attention from the get go because they didn’t meet certain criteria. Some non-negotiables for me (Percy) were: I will not marry any girl who doesn’t love Jesus the way I do. I will not marry any girl who doesn’t respect me and others. I will not marry a girl who doesn’t value sexual purity. I will not marry a If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 44

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage girl who doesn’t want children. I will not marry a girl who doesn’t have a thirst for knowledge because having an intellectual companion is important to me. Q: You have spoken about purpose, but many people do not know their purpose. How does a person determine their purpose? A: Ask yourself a few of these questions:  What makes me excited?  What makes me feel fulfilled in life?  When I get up in the morning, what are the things I most look forward to doing in the day?  What drives me in the decisions I make?  What do others affirm I am good at that makes a positive impact on those around me? Another thing to be mindful of is that purpose deals with people not things. If your purpose is tied up in your job and you lose it, do you feel lost? What is it that you live for to do for other people while you are here on planet earth? Your job may give you an avenue to do that but the purpose of serving others defines you, not the job itself. Your purpose has to be deeper than the job you have or the material things that you have around you so that if those things are gone, your purpose is still there. Once you figure out your purpose, look for someone who understands your talents and skills, celebrates them and pushes you to become even better. You want a person who has a similar worldview and purpose so that you can head in the same direction together. If you have NOT figured out your purpose, then you will look for someone to pass the time with. You will aimlessly do life together just going with the flow of humanity – get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, eat, repeat…. And after a while, you get bored and depressed! You were made to live to make a difference, not to go through life on auto-pilot! Your life was meant to be exciting! In John 10:10, Jesus says I have come so you might have life to the FULLEST! If you don’t find that excitement in living a life of purpose, you will probably turn to illicit or illegal activities in an effort to put “spice” in your life. Some examples will one day be cheating on your spouse to feel “alive and in love” again, doing drugs to make you feel “high”, or pursuing money at all costs because you feel having more riches will ultimately make you feel fulfilled and fill that void in your boring life. These actions will ultimately destroy your marriage. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 45

Making it To make it practical, let me (Percy) share my purpose. As a husband God Practical has given me the tremendous responsibility to know my purpose (my cause) and cast a vision for my family and ensure that the vision is implemented in a way that pleases the Lord. My purpose is to know God and to worship him through every decision I make in life. One of the elements of my purpose is to raise godly children who are accountable and will one day make my wife and me very happy as responsible citizens. God has certainly blessed me with the best wife ever! No doubt! When we started discussing the area of children at the beginning of our marriage I shared with Ashley how I believed God wanted us to raise our children and she agreed with me 100%. Not only did she agree with me, but went a step further and agreed to be a stay home mom to raise our children and home-school them so she could instill the principles and morals we believed our children needed. She did this for 11 straight years (2007-2018) not because she was incapable of pursuing her own career, but because she believed in me and my purpose so much. This is just one example, but there are so many other things that Ashley supports me on in order for me to be the man, husband and father that God intends for me to be. What a gift it is to have a spouse who is a true helpmate and ensures that I am successful in whatever it is I believe God wants us to do! Let me (Ashley) also share my purpose. I live to please God. I live to obey God. I love to say “God, I am here today. Use me in any way you see fit to bless those around me. Use my lips to teach your word. Use my home as a place others can come and be loved. Use my money to bless others. Use me in whatever way you can to make others feel more loved and to help others grow deeper in their relationship with you, Jesus.” Therefore, whatever job I have still allows me to fulfill this purpose. Whether I have a lot of money or a little, I can still love others. Whether I live in America or Botswana, I can still use my words to encourage others. The various jobs I have had have simply provided avenues to fulfill my purpose throughout the years. Percy understands this in me and supports me in this desire for God to use my life to help others. Often this has meant that someone will call and need my help, and we have to put our plans on hold in order for me to serve someone else. Due to his understanding of what fulfills me, he doesn’t get jealous or resentful but rather prayerfully supports me. If he can, he will join me in blessing this person. For example, let’s say a person needs my counsel on a spiritual issue and comes over for prayer and biblical teaching for direction in their life. Percy is so supportive that he might make tea for us while we talk and put the kids to bed that night so that I can focus on helping that person. Let me give an example that just happened RIGHT NOW! I am sitting here writing this book because my husband understands that writing and teaching life improving biblical principles fulfills me. He just walked in and asked me if I was thirsty and offered to bring me a glass of water so that I don’t need to stop writing to go to the kitchen. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 46

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage I give this example to make this very practical what it looks like to find a spouse who supports you in doing that which helps you feel like your life matters here on planet earth. By the way, I would do the same for him in a heartbeat! We are bonded more deeply helping serve each other in fulfilling our individual purposes! Every day we ask each other, “Is there anything I can do to support you today?” Q: What do you do when you have a spiritual mentor or pastor you need advice from, but you feel like you are an imposition to them to ask advice or bothering them when you seek counsel? A: Sadly, there are not many couples we look to and say “I want to emulate their lifestyle! They seem truly happy and I want them to mentor me so that I can learn how to have a marriage just like theirs.” Consequently, you need to be mindful you probably are not the only person who wants their attention and a piece of their time. Here is what we can advise: Look at their life and find a way you can bless them so that they can bless you. Tell them, “I know you are busy but I would really value your counsel. Is there a specific thing I can do to help you free up some time to speak with me, or is there a time I can join you in an activity so we have time to talk.” Be creative and flexible knowing you are the one asking for help. Perhaps you need to sit in the car with the wife while she spends 2 hours running around town taking her kids here and there so that you talk while she accomplishes her tasks. Perhaps you need to go help the husband fix something in the house so that you can speak with him while he gets something done. Maybe you need to volunteer to come over and help the kids with homework so that the kids go to sleep earlier and the couple has an extra hour to spend with you. My point is understand these mentors are few and far between and many things are pulling at their time. Many youth I (Ashley) counsel get offended that certain adults aren’t doing more to pour into them. If you want the help, then understand you might need to be proactive in getting it! Be a blessing to them as much as you want them to be a blessing to you. Understand that many of these people DESIRE to pour into you but they just do NOT have the time. Find creative ways to help them help you! One additional piece of advice about mentors is to invite and allow them to speak truth into your life. A wise person is one who knows they still need to grow! The Bible says a fool refuses rebuke! Many times we seek out people who just want to make us feel good when what we really need is someone to speak life into our lives and point out the things we need to change in order to become healthier people. Choose not to get offended if you are blessed to have a person who lovingly guides you by truthfully correcting you. Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 47

Q: Love songs often say we need someone to complete us. Explain the difference between compliment me and complete me. A: Are you happy and content alone? Many people get married because they feel marriage will fulfill a void in their life. They think a person will “complete” them. When you are expecting a person to make you feel happy, you are setting yourself up to fail. No person will ever be able to make you feel joy in your soul (at least not for the long term). You will end up suffocating your spouse if you are expecting them to meet a need to make you happy. They will feel frustrated and you will feel disappointed. Therefore, while you are single, seek to become secure and content as an individual so that when you get married, you are bringing value into the marriage. You know who you are and you don’t “need” that other person to complete you. What you are looking for is someone to compliment you. This means that person helps you become even better! The person knows your weaknesses and strengths and is willing to be your friend and cheerleader helping you every day to strive to be everything you desire to be. Find a person who brings the best out in you! Also, you need to look for someone who can be honest with you, IN LOVE. A real friend tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. I (Ashley) gave the example in this episode that Percy frequently needs to correct me. I am just always messing up! Ha! I interrupt when I should be listening. I forget to do proper greetings because I am so excited to get straight to the point, I forget to greet first and do the social pleasantries. I complain instead of being grateful. There is just lots of room for improvement in me. Thankfully, I am so convinced my husband loves, values and respects me that when he gently points out that I have an area for growth, I accept that because I genuinely WANT to become a better person. That is because I married a man who “compliments” me. Q: Why do you feel people cohabitate instead of getting married? A: Unfortunately, in today’s world, cohabitation is becoming more of a norm. We say unfortunately because ultimately we don’t believe that cohabitation leads to the happiness and stability you think it will. Commonly, couples say “let’s try out living together before we get married.” Statistics show that if you live together before marriage, you actually have less of a chance to making it in marriage. The Institute for Family Studies reports that, “There remains an increased risk for divorce for those living together prior to marriage, and that prior studies suggesting the effect has gone away had a bias toward short versus longer-term effects. They find that living together before marriage is associated with lower odds of divorce in the first year of marriage, but increases the odds of divorce in all other years tested, and this finding holds across decades of data.” (Emphasis added). One of the negatives of cohabitation as a “test” to marriage is that the other person can feel that you are not completely committed. You are ready to enjoy the benefits of living together and most likely sleeping together, but without the willingness to wholeheartedly commit. If you didn't buy this book, you received it illegally. Please support us. Buy on our website: www.ashleythaba.com 48

Talking with the Thabas Marriage Workbook: Preparing for Marriage The person can feel that you are not totally in it for the long haul, so there is this sense that the other person can leave at any time. There is not complete security in that type of intimate relationship. You might even have fears – what if a child enters this relationship? Will the other person stick around? What if I lose my job? Are they here because I am providing for them financially or because they honestly love me? You may ask yourself, “What is wrong with me that they aren’t sure they want to marry me?” Another reason people choose to cohabitate instead of marry is finances. They truly are ready to commit and be together for the rest of their lives, but either they or their families are putting pressure on them to have a certain amount of money to pay a bride price or pay for a huge wedding before they get married. Alternatively, they have believed the lie they need to get financially well off first then get married. Let’s break each one of these down to fully answer the question: a) Your family is putting pressure. If you are reading this as an influential family member, may we BEG you to please not put heavy financial burdens that prevent these two from getting married? ESPECIALLY if these are two young people who are desiring to be sexually pure and you are forcing them to live in unnecessary temptation to meet cultural obligations but set them up to fail spiritually, it is not worth it! We NEED to start having these talks about cultural norms which actually harm couples more than help them. We need to help them start off with strong healthy foundations not massive debts that will burden them for years to come! b) If you are reading this as a couple who is choosing to put your wedding on hold until … (and you find yourself perpetually saying later, later, later as you keep accumulating more wealth and waiting for the perfect time). Can we encourage you to seriously evaluate your relationship? Are you postponing it because maybe you actually DON”T want to get married but you have just gotten comfortable with that person? May we suggest that if you DO want to get married, then perhaps you need to just accept there might never be enough money in the bank or the perfect time for every relative to attend? Postponing it indefinitely can actually cause more problems than having a less than perfect wedding celebration day. Since statistics show cohabitation is not the healthiest way to start your marital relationship, why not have a smaller wedding and start off with a strong healthy foundation than cohabitate until the “perfect time” to get married? Grow together. When we got married in 2004, we lived in a one bedroom apartment that would probably fit in our current bedroom because it was so small. We bought almost all of our furniture second hand at garage sales. We lived very frugally. We made budgets together on how to stretch a student allowance (Percy) and church salary (Ashley). We did not have a lot of money, but we had each other Copyrighted © unauthorized reproduction prohibited by law. 49