Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour

The Child’s Family for each family member and what your hopes and concerns are for the child’s future. Looking at photos of the child with your family can be a good way to share. If you have children, they may or may not want to talk about their feelings straight away. Your ability to be open about how the placement has been for you will help them to feel more comfortable, whether or not they want to talk. Sometimes children bring things up months later, when you thought that they had forgotten all about it. You may want to plan special outings or a holiday to relax together as a family. Emergency and temporary - short term foster families have other issues, with children coming and going in a very short space of time. Whilst placements do not last long, emergency carers still need time with their families to share what has happened and how it has been for everyone. Because fostering can be stressful even when a placement has worked out well, families sometimes need a break. If you feel “burnt out”, it is important to discuss your feelings with the Case Worker. You may decide to have some time out. — 101 —



Behaviour Management An Overview — 103 —



Behaviour Management An Overview This section provides an overview of behaviour management principles to use in your work with children in care. Learning And Behaviour We have emphasised that young children typically express feelings through their behaviour. The role that learning plays in behaviour needs to be given equal attention. Children behave in the way they have learned to behave. Learning occurs by instruction (i.e. being told), by example (being shown), by consequences (being rewarded or punished) and by what they observe. They learn from what adults do, not just what they say. Young children are quick to imitate without necessarily understanding what they are doing. They are also very quick to pick up any differences between words and actions. For example, a child who is smacked for hitting someone is learning that it is okay to hit. Principles Of Behaviour Basic principles to remember when teaching children acceptable behaviour are: • Children tend to do things that bring them attention or make them feel better (e.g. feel more in control). • Children tend to stop doing things which don’t bring them attention or make them feel worse. • The best way to encourage behaviour is to reward it (rewards may be positive attention, praise or actual goods). — 105 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • The best way to discourage behaviour is to ignore it, when the behaviour is not physically harmful to the child or to others. • New behaviour can be taught by telling and showing a child what is expected and then by rewarding successes, no matter how small. • Negative consequences (punishment) can be used when positive consequences or ignoring have not been effective. An example of a negative consequence would be not allowing the child to watch a favourite television programme that day. Negative consequences should always be preceded by explanation and a warning/opportunity to comply. Physical punishment is not appropriate or, in the long term, effective. Notice Acceptable Behaviour A child may have learned to get attention by misbehaving. When he/she behaves acceptably, no one seems to notice, but when the child is naughty, the adults react! Any attention can seem a lot better than no attention at all, even if it means being yelled at. The importance of positive attention cannot be over-emphasised. When you notice, praise or otherwise reward behaviour the child will be encouraged to repeat it. On the other hand, lack of positive attention leaves the door open for negative behaviours to develop. Frequent punishment or criticism make problems more likely, from the less serious such as constant whining or tantrums through to destructive and anti-social behaviour. — 106 —

Behaviour Management An Overview The child in your care may have received little positive attention and considerable negative attention. “Turning it around” for the child with consistent positive attention is your challenge. What’s “Normal”? Before deciding on how to manage behaviour, we need to consider “What is normal”? Almost any behaviour which a child can produce is normal at some stage of development. It is probably more useful to talk about whether a particular behaviour is to be “expected” i.e. what you would expect, given the child’s age, stage and experiences. By looking at the child’s stage of development we can decide whether the behaviour is expected and will probably pass in due course, or whether it is so inappropriate for the child’s age that it indicates a problem. When is behaviour a problem? Here are some examples of expected behaviour: • A toddler may become very distressed when separated from parents even for a very brief period. • A two-year-old throws a tantrum when frustrated by a toy which does not work. • A young child who has been dry at night for a while may revert to bed-wetting when starting school. • A child approaching puberty may become super modest and secretive with friends. — 107 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • A teenager may swing rapidly between loving and hating family members. The following examples may call for a closer look to see whether there is a problem: • A child seems unusually withdrawn, or uninterested in the type of play usual for his/her age group. • A child often and deliberately hits or hurts other children or pets or breaks toys or possessions. • Frequently occurring nightmares. • Continual disobedience or arguments over the smallest matters. • Sexually explicit behaviours which are not within the usual range of childhood sexual behaviours. For more information about expected behaviour you might like to read the following: 1) Griffen & Hudson Children’s Problems 2) Christopher Green Toddler Taming Here are some useful questions you can ask: • Who sees it as a problem? The child? The child’s family? You? • Is it dangerous? • Is it hurting anyone? • Is it disrupting family life or making people unhappy? • Is it interfering with the child’s development, school work or other activities? — 108 —

Behaviour Management An Overview • Is it interfering with the child’s acceptance by other children or adults? • Can the child control the behaviour? While there are no rigid rules, the behaviour may be problematic when: • It harms the child’s or family’s wellbeing. • The child seems compelled to engage in the behaviour and cannot control it. • It happens too often. • It goes on for too long. Sometimes there are simple explanations for unusual behaviour. For example: • Children sometimes don’t know that what they are doing is inappropriate because they have not been told or have not understood what they were told. • Children may continue to do something annoying because they have not been taught other ways to behave. Unusual behaviours may appear temporarily when a child is coping with separation-sickness, and new or frightening experiences. At such times, he/she needs comfort rather than a behaviour management approach. You need to help the child handle the feelings with reassurance and support. You may also need to ignore some negative behaviour while the child is settling in. — 109 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour How Attachment Problems Affect Behaviour The parent-child attachment, especially the mother-child bond, strongly affects young children. The degree of security which the child feels about his or her primary attachment affects the child’s behaviour and whole sense of self in obvious and more subtle ways. A child in care may feel abandoned or rejected by parents, in particular the mother. Such a child feels unloved and unwanted and usually has very low self-esteem. Along with abandonment/rejection, the child is immersed in an ongoing grieving process. Issues and feelings surface repeatedly and make it more difficult for the child to move through the developmental stages in growing up. An emotionally distressed child who believes that he/she is unwanted and unlovable may behave in unusual ways, e.g. continually hitting other children, or destroying toys, almost as if to prove the belief. Such “testing out” behaviour usually arises after the child settles into your home. Styles Of Parenting - What Works Best Some information about parenting styles may help in considering how you want to manage the behaviour of children in your care. Each family has its own style of operating which comes from years of living together and blending backgrounds, personalities and ideas. There is no such thing as the “ideal family”, each family is unique. Families develop their own sets of stated or — 110 —

Behaviour Management An Overview unstated rules on a whole range of issues, such as how feelings are expressed, eating habits, needs for privacy, and humour. Families, like individuals, have different ways of coping with problems or crises. For example, some families tend to keep a “stiff upper lip”, while others are very public in their expression of emotions. Children can benefit from the richness of individual differences in their parents and other family members. Perhaps you have heard members of the same family described as being “like chalk and cheese”. A couple described as a “total mismatch” may in fact enjoy a creative relationship where they value each other’s differences. It seems that whilst there is no one “right”way to be a family,some ways provide a better environment in which to rear children. Some research into parenting styles has identified three main types of parenting as “Strict, Permissive and Democratic”.These reflect the degree of support and warmth shown to children, and the degree of control which parents seek to assert over their children. Interestingly, researchers have found that children of both very “Strict” and very “Permissive” families tended to develop less social competence and independence. The children of very strict parents tended to be less happy and have lower self-esteem,while the children of “Permissive” parents tended to be impulsive and have less ability to take responsibility. On the other hand, the children of “Democratic” parents tended to be more competent and had higher self-esteem. Whilst appreciative of the diversity of family life, we suggest that the democratic approach contains some of the key elements in healthy parenting. • The democratic approach emphasises: — 111 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • Clear expectations and standards. • Firm enforcement of rules, combined with encouragement. • Open parent/child communication and negotiation. • Recognition of the rights of both children and parents. Another important aspect of parenting is attunement, understanding and awareness of a child’s needs and feelings. Attunement means trying to understand the child’s view of the world, rather than seeing things only from an adult perspective. Developing the capacity for attunement may be the most challenging task for many parents. — 112 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour — 113 —



Managing Inappropriate Behaviour Using C.A.R.E The following section considers ways to respond if the behaviour of a child in your care upsets you and your family and become a source of conflict. Carried to the extreme, unacceptable behaviour can disrupt a placement. Remember the C.A.R.E. sequence as a basis for managing children’s behaviour: C. Consider the possible reasons for the behaviour. A. Assess R. Respond what you think may be influencing the behaviour to continue. E. Evaluate to the child,based on your assessment and knowledge of behaviour management principles. how it worked out and how you will respond next time. It may take a few moments, hours or days to work through the process, depending on the behaviour and situation. Use these steps rather than “just reacting”, possibly out of habit, to whatever behaviour is happening. This is not to say that your automatic response would be wrong, but by going through the sequence you will know that your chosen response is based on understanding of the situation, a considered assessment and your knowledge of behaviour management principles. — 115 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Problem Behaviours Generally, behaviours which are seen as problems, fall into three broad groups: • Too much. • Too little. • Not appropriate to the situation. The changes which are needed may be: • An increase in wanted behaviour. • A decrease in the unwanted behaviour. • To learn new behaviour. • To learn behaviour more appropriate to the situation. Ways To Encourage New Behaviour The main methods of teaching children new ways of behaving are: • Rewards • Ignoring • Modeling • Clear Expectations • Coaching • Consequences When choosing a method, look at what you want to achieve. — 116 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour Increasing Wanted Behaviour Rewards - When children are rewarded for behaviour, they are more likely to repeat it. Rewards may be things (toys, food) or people rewards (praise, attention). Rewards should be given immediately and be something the child likes. Rewards should not be seen as bribery but as encouraging the child to repeat the desired behaviour. Once a behaviour is established as a habit, “people” rewards (attention) and occasional treats are usually all that is needed to help maintain it. For example, when Billy put his toys away in the toy box, his foster mother praised him for his efforts. Because Billy was rewarded, he will be more likely to tidy his toys away in the future. It’s better not to promise a child presents for doing something on a regular basis as the child will learn to always want something for behaving well. Sometimes children get rewarded for the wrong behaviour, so it increases. For example, when Katie pulled the cat’s tail her mother yelled at her. Katie was receiving attention so she may repeat this behaviour in the future. It would have been better to explain to Katie why she should not pull the cat’s tail and encourage her in desired behaviour such as gently stroking the cat. Decreasing Unwanted Behaviour When children are not rewarded for a behaviour they are less likely to repeat it. Ignoring is one way of not rewarding — 117 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour unwanted behaviour. The best way to discourage unwanted behaviour which isn’t dangerous is to consistently ignore it. Ignoring should be planned and consistent, you need to do it every time the behaviour occurs. When you first start to consistently ignore a particular behaviour, it may get worse for a while. Be firm and stick with it. Sometimes you can ignore behaviour while you are in the same room as the child, but at other times you may need to leave the room. Be careful to pay attention to desirable behaviour. This way the child is learning about how to act, as well as how not to act. Behaviour which is potentially dangerous to the child or others should not be ignored, but actively discouraged. Teaching New Behaviour Sometimes children are unable to behave acceptably because they have not been taught to do so. Often children need to be taught new behaviours which they have not performed before. Behaviour can be taught by first modeling (showing), then coaching and rewarding successes, however small. The child will probably need an adult to demonstrate the wanted behaviour and explain. Whilst teaching new behaviour, your manner and tone of voice should convey confidence in the child. Once the behaviour has been modeled, the child may need to be coached, given extra information as needed and encouraged to keep trying. Even small successes should be rewarded, usually with praise, so that the child gradually acquires the new skill. As the child — 118 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour develops new skills his/her sense of competence will improve. This approach can also help children to overcome some fears. Learning More Appropriate Behaviour Children may do things which are acceptable in one situation but not in another. For example, kicking a ball in the garden may be fine whilst kicking a ball in the house is not. You want the child to learn to discriminate between different situations. The child needs to be told what you expect and why, when you are both in a relatively calm frame of mind. For example, “Please remember to go into the garden when you want to kick the ball. Kicking it inside could break the glass in the cabinet door.” When you notice the child carrying out the behaviour you requested, reward him/her with praise or other positive attention. If a child continues to behave inappropriately, you need to choose between two responses: 1. After reminders, if the behaviour is not dangerous, ignore it, but continue to reward appropriate behaviour. 2. If the behaviour is dangerous, apply a mild consequence, such as withdrawing a privilege or possession or using a short period of “time out”. Because children often receive attention from adults for inappropriate behaviour, you may need to seek the co-operation of others in responding consistently. For example, Tansy, aged four, tried to sit and cuddle with every adult male who visited the house.Tansy’s foster family asked all their male relatives and friends to gently discourage Tansy and redirect her towards her — 119 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour foster family for cuddles, or to offer her other forms of attention such as reading her a story. Setting Limits Choosing when and how to set limits can be especially difficult when you are caring for someone else’s child. However, children learn best when they know what is expected of them. They need to have clear expectations and limits set on their behaviour. Young children do not have a lot of self-control. This develops slowly. They rely on adults to set the rules and guide them towards understanding and observing these rules. When adults are firm and consistent, children gradually learn to control their own behaviour. It is easy to think that children should know right from wrong and should know how to behave. However, children only develop their awareness of right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable behaviour in a gradual way.  Young children are limited in their ability to understand these concepts. Setting appropriate limits helps children to feel secure, in much the same way as routines. Consistent limits make the world a more predictable, reliable place. Children who are allowed to go out of control can become very anxious. This is especially scary for children with a lot of unresolved anger or grief about their families and anxiety about the future. A child cannot feel safe in a situation where he/she is allowed out of control to the point of hurting others or breaking valued possessions. Children may even fear that their strong feelings can destroy the things which are good in their lives. They need to have their behaviour contained and to see that the adults around them are strong enough to do this. — 120 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour Children who learn to accept limits on their behaviour are better company at home and outside the home. They are likely to be more able to cope with limits at school and in the wider society. Realistic Limits Any limits you set need to take into account a child’s age and developmental stage. For example, expecting an active, curious toddler to sit quietly in a waiting room and chastising the child for talking, asking questions or running around becomes a negative and upsetting experience for the child (and adult). Adults may try to enforce “good” behaviour out of embarrassment about what others may think, rather than look for what would help the child in the situation, e.g. a brief walk, diversion, a book, attention, praise. Rules or limits which are unrealistic, excessively harsh or beyond the child’s capacity can even be emotionally abusive. Establish realistic priorities, tolerate behaviour which is age appropriate and praise the child for the efforts he/she makes to meet your needs as well as his/her own needs. It helps to clarify which things are negotiable and which are not. Adults may fear that if some rules are flexible, children will not obey at all. However, when children know that some things are negotiable, they are usually more inclined to co-operate overall. Some freedom/choice also helps to develop a child’s sense of responsibility. Factors such as safety, security or other consequences should be consulted in deciding whether to let children take risks or do certain things. As children learn about limits and self-control, they will test out some of the limits set by adults. Children growing towards — 121 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour independence, need some opportunity to experiment and make their own decisions. Walking a middle path between consistent rules and expectations and tolerance of mistakes is the goal. A sense of humour also helps! The understanding you establish with the child matters more than “winning” or “losing”. Active listening skills and clear statements about what you feel and what you want will create more “win-win” situations for you and the child. Thomas Gordon’s “Parent Effectiveness Training” has useful advice on listening skills and problem resolution. Acting Out Feelings How far do you allow a child to act out feelings, especially if they are being expressed in hostile or destructive behaviour? Carers may face a dilemma, especially when a child has not been in the family for long and it is unclear how he/she is likely to react. Carers may worry that setting limits will be seen by the child as lack of understanding and prevent the child from expressing his/her feelings. However, if no limits are set, the child may learn to behave unacceptably and the carer’s authority will be undermined. Resentments may also bubble if other children in the family see the child in care receiving special treatment. Try to clarify what is happening for the child and what you want to achieve. Imagine that you are the child. What might you be feeling, thinking or wanting? Sometimes it’s when we are acting the most obnoxious that we most want someone to show they care. Children also need to feel reassured that things — 122 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour are back to normal and no lasting damage was done because they let out some feelings. It need not be an “either - or” situation. Maybe the child needs to express his/her feelings and learn the limits in terms of unacceptable behaviour. Show the child more acceptable ways to express feelings. Distraction with a vigorous game outside may help the child to “let off steam”. You may find (depending on the child) that he/she most appreciates a smile and a cuddle after the crisis has passed. Putting Limits Into Practice - Five Steps When you have decided that a particular behaviour should not be ignored, try the following: 1) Listen to and accept the child’s feelings - You may not agree with the child’s behaviour but you can still try to accept that he/she has a right to feel that way. ‘’I’m not happy with Jim’s behaviour right now but he is entitled to his own feelings”. 2) Try to understand the message behind the behaviour - A child who is destroying toys may feel very angry. The underlying message may be “I don’t feel safe” or “I don’t feel I belong”, “I’m not good enough to be loved and accepted”, or “I hate not being with Mum and Dad”. It will vary, depending on the child. Encourage the child to talk about whatever is troubling him/her. If the child cannot or does not want to talk, you could do a simple activity together which you know the child enjoys. Feelings may be expressed through play rather than words. — 123 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Spend a little time with the child, your presence and attention show that you think he/she is worthwhile and important. For example, build a sand castle and knock it down, play with toys, or a cubby house, collect some flowers or other things in the garden, to put in a special place. 3) Set clear expectation and limits - Explain to the child in simple words how you expect him/her to behave and why you are setting certain limits. Be prepared to repeat yourself a number of times until you are sure that the child has actually heard and understood you. You need to talk to the child about limits at a time when he/she can “take it in”. A hysterical or tantruming child is unlikely to hear your message. Pick a time when you and the child are getting on well and you are in a good frame of mind. Some children do not understand that you mean what you say until you have explained the limits a few times. Explain what you want, in a friendly and positive way. Giving a reason for a rule rather than “because I say so”. Very young children may not understand explanations, but over time simple words and actions should get your message across. You can say “No” and physically move a young child away from a dangerous activity, take away an object you do not want the child to touch, or caution the child if he/she is about to do something you don’t like. If a young child keeps doing something you don’t want, such as emptying a particular drawer, it is probably better to either lock it or put the items out of reach to avoid daily battles. 4) Help the child find alternative ways to behave and get what he/she wants - When children are told not to do — 124 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour something, they don’t always know what they are allowed to do and may drift back into unwanted behaviour. Maybe the child does not know how to ask for what he/she wants. The child needs to learn that acceptable behaviour brings results. Tell the child how to ask, in simple words. When he/she does ask, within reason, give the child what was requested. Involve the child in the solution, if possible. A school age child is old enough to make some suggestions about ways he/she could get what he/ she wants - even younger children may be able to contribute. 5) Positive Instruction - A useful tip when you are talking with children is to say clearly what you do want, rather than what you don’t want, e.g. “Stand on the grass next to me. We need to wait until the cars are gone”, rather than “I don’t want you running onto the road”! or “Put your cake down on your plate” rather than “Stop that, you’re making a mess”. This choice of words usually gives the child a clearer message and is less likely to give a negative edge to the interchange. Example Of Putting Limits Into Practice Billy, aged five, was breaking his foster sister’s favourite toy. His carer sat down and encouraged him to talk about it. (Listening To the Feeling). After some yelling and crying Billy told how on the last contact visit with his Mum, his baby brother got a new toy and he got nothing. It was clear Billy felt jealous and left out. (Understanding The Message). His carer explained to him — 125 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour he should not break the toys because they belong to someone else and the other child would feel very upset (Setting Limits). The carer then suggested that she could help him build a sand castle in his pit and let him knock it down (Alternative Way To Behave). When Billy had built and knocked down the castle several times, he was calmer and better able to talk about visits with his family. Consequences help to teach children which behaviours are acceptable and which are not. Two types of consequences are: 1) Natural consequences which follow actions e.g. a child teased a cat, the cat then scratched the child. 2) The consequences adults apply to children in response to their behaviour. Learning By Consequences Consequences may be positive, such as an outing, a small gift, or praise for good behaviour. They may be negative, in the form of disapproval or being ignored. The child learns about the world and how to act in it through repeated experiences of consequences. Positive consequences teach the child most about acceptable ways of behaving and being. Children are strongly influenced by the example of the adults and children around them, by what adults say, and by experiencing the consequences of their actions. This can be confusing. For example, a preschool child who had learned at home that it was good to share, was taken to task on the first day at pre-school — 126 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour for “stealing” another child’s lunch. The child then had to learn a new set of behaviours. Choosing Consequences Here are some questions to help you select consequences to influence a child’s behaviour. What do I want to achieve? Do you want to increase a positive behaviour the child is already displaying, or see some annoying behaviour reduced? Your goal will affect your choice of consequences. There may be times when you just want to ensure the child’s safety or wellbeing and a simple, direct consequence is needed. For example, if a young child is playing with a dangerous object, an appropriate response would be to simply remove that object from the child and offer a safer substitute. If an older child persisted in doing something dangerous, you might apply a more complex set of consequences. You would be seeking to teach the child new behaviour as well as achieve safety there and then. You might explain the dangers involved, withdraw a privilege if the behaviour continues and praise the child if the behaviour lessens or stops. When a child needs to be talked to about behaviour, this should generally take place away from other children, to avoid embarrassment and encourage the child to listen. — 127 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Can I achieve what I want through positive consequences? Before you deliver consequences, always look for a positive way to deal with the child. Children feel better about themselves if they are given positive attention. Don’t just deliver consequences for the behaviour you don’t want, praise or reward the behaviour you do want to see. If a child is often rough with a younger brother, rather than always chastising or punishing, praise or encourage the child when he/she is not being rough. What’s the best way to get my message across? When a young child is about to do something dangerous such as touch a hot iron, it is necessary to interrupt quickly. Knocking the child’s hand away may seem the only way to make the child safe. But what is it that gets the message through to the child? Is it the smack? Or the suddenness? Your facial expression? The different tone of your voice? The simple explanation afterwards? Stop and notice what is most powerful in communicating with a child. How can I make it relevant? The consequence should fit the behaviour as smoothly as possible. This helps the child to learn about cause and effect and build his/her understanding of the world. For example, a child who deliberately messes a room can be asked to clean it up. You could ask a child to think what it would be like if he/she was the person he/she has hurt or upset. — 128 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour How can I take the child’s past experiences into account? When children have had unhappy, traumatic or deprived lives, deciding on consequences is not always easy. As previously discussed, it helps to know about the child’s past experiences. Avoid consequences with strong negative memories for the child. A child who has been locked up may react very badly to “time out” procedure, and this method should not be used. A child who has been physically abused may think that a raised voice means that he/she is about to be abused again. A calm reprimand and removal of a privilege or treat is preferable. Avoid Power Struggles Certain forms of discipline often evoke violent reactions from a child and lead to a power struggle. Power struggles are likely to result in stuck situations which damage the relationship between adult and child. Examples are: • Smacking, pushing and shouting at a child. • Ordering a child to do something straight away “or else”, on a regular basis. • Forcing a child to do something he/she dislikes without any attempt to understand the child’s point of view, and so on. The method may work in the short term but resistance usually builds up. Considering what is appropriate or inappropriate use of power is useful. Both children and adults need to experience and use their power in constructive ways. — 129 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Stay Positive About The Child When a child seems to have a lot of behaviour problems you may begin to feel very discouraged. At such times, try to recall what can be seen in a better light. First look at what is not a problem. For example, write down or mentally list things he/she has done which are positive, as well as valuable/unique qualities. You will see the child with more balance and feel more able to praise him/her for these strengths. Ask yourself what is needed to help the child with the problem. See the child as an okay person who is having difficulty with one aspect of behaviour. This will help you to focus on strategies to change the behaviour. For example, you may set goals of helping the child to stop or decrease behaviour which upsets other children and increase behaviour which leads other children to enjoy the child’s company. How will you know if the desired change is taking place? Think about the kind of behaviour you hope to see. Identify the problem behaviour in a precise way. Then, look at possible ways the child can build his/her strengths. Points To Remember When it’s clear that a child is behaving in an unusual or difficult way, you may like to review the following points: • Where possible, rather than punish, reward positive behaviour. • Rewards are more powerful than punishment and encourage cooperation. — 130 —

Managing Inappropriate Behaviour • Children may need to be taught to behave constructively, rather than destructively. They need to know what is expected and to have limits set on their behaviour. • Labeling children “bad” or “good” is not useful and can damage self- esteem. If you need to criticise, stick to the behaviour, not the child. • Plan ahead for potentially difficult situations and use positive consequences as far as possible. There will still be times in most families when some form of negative consequence is required, to discourage difficult or intractable behaviours, when positive consequences and negotiation have had little or no effect. You need to consider carefully what forms this should take. When The Problem Is Too Big There are times when urgent action needs to be taken. For example, if you suspected that a child was severely depressed, specialist help should be sought immediately. The Case Worker should be in regular contact so the child’s progress in the placement and his/her needs and development can be monitored. As a carer you are not expected to handle it all on your own. Don’t hesitate to contact your Case Worker if you have concerns. In some cases, this can prevent or defuse a crisis for the child. — 131 —



Using Negative Consequences — 133 —



Using Negative Consequences Physical punishment is not permitted by carers. If you think you need to deliver consequences here are some hints: • Apply the consequence promptly. The closer it is to the unwanted behaviour, the more effective it will be. • Possible consequences might be, verbal disapproval, isolate the child (time out), temporary loss of privileges. Apply consequences fairly. Do not have it drag on for long periods or make it excessive. Here are some more hints: • Give the child opportunities to reinstate privileges or make up for damage. • Try not to act out of anger. Calm down before you deliver consequences. Otherwise, you may feel temporarily better but you will have done nothing constructive for the child. • Be sure to also praise more acceptable behaviour. • Work through the behaviour management plan for the child with the Case Worker or other support workers in your district/agency. Support from the Foster Care Association may also help. Should I Smack? It is not permitted for a caregiver to use physical discipline on a child in out of home care. It is also not considered acceptable or effective today to attempt to influence children’s behaviour by hitting. Many parents have smacked their own children at some time, and some believe this is the right thing to do. Others hit when they are not sure what else to do but feel unhappy about it. For carers, who are looking after someone — 135 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour else’s child, the professional and legal implications alone mean that smacking is not permitted. The Department’s position is that no child in care should be physically disciplined in any way. Why Do Adults Smack? Adults smack because: • They believe it works/is good for the child. • To stop the behaviour in the short term. • Anger, frustration, embarrassment at the child’s behaviour. • Fear of feeling helpless. • They were smacked as children and think it didn’t do any harm. • They are feeling harassed and have had enough. Why Smacking Does Not Work Smacking can stop some dangerous or unwanted behaviour in the short term. However, it does not work in the longer term, because: • The behaviour usually returns, which can lead to more and harder smacking. Smacking does not teach the child how to behave more acceptably and, in fact, can make the child act more aggressively as he/she usually resents being hit. Over time, it harms your relationship as children begin to avoid or withdraw from adults who punish them frequently. The adults then find that when they are affectionate or loving, the child does not respond. • Smacking can become a habit, instead of trying other options which does not necessarily work. For example, — 136 —

Using Negative Consequences when a child is throwing a tantrum, alternatives would be to ignore the behaviour, distract the child, and/or plan ahead and have an understanding with the child that co- operation will be rewarded. • Whilst a rare smack from carers who otherwise provide a good home life is probably not going to have a lasting harmful effect, persistent smacking or other intense punishment can cause much anxiety and insecurity. The effects will be even worse if the child has come from an unloving, rejecting or hostile home environment. • A smack can have unintended consequences. A child who is hit will learn to hit. A child who is yelled at will learn to yell at others. Aggressive behaviour by an adult can cause fearful or tense responses in children which become habitual. You may have lived with a child who seems to be “just asking for a smack” and then calms down if it is delivered. Some children who have received regular physical punishment and abuse feel most familiar with a situation where adults use hitting as a form of control. Smacking simply confirms their negative view of the world and of themselves and does not teach them other ways to sort things out. The destructive behaviours and poor communication are likely to continue and intensify. Carers may in some instances, find an added difficulty in that the way they usually discipline their own children is different from how they are able to discipline a child in their care. Clarifying the issues with the Case Worker and using positive consequences whenever possible should help. — 137 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Ways To Prevent/Reduce Conflict Conflict often occurs when children are bored, tired, frustrated or unhappy. You can prevent some conflicts, rather than wait until you feel driven up the wall. Planning with both the child’s needs and your own in mind should reduce conflict between you and the child, or the child and other children. Planning pays dividends in terms of your time, energy and peace of mind. You also feel more purposeful and satisfied when you achieve some of your plans. The saying goes “the times when you most need to plan are when you think that you don’t have time to plan”. There will, of course, still be times when you have no alternative but to deal with behaviour as it happens. Activities There are many simple and inexpensive activities you can plan for young children. Some examples are: • Play with other children (possibly local playgroup), use play dough, draw, paint, cut out paper shapes, listen to music, make cubbies inside/outside with blankets, simple cooking. Selected television programmes for children are often enjoyed. The ABC Children’s Book lists hundreds of activities which children of different ages enjoy. Other carers, the local library or the Foster Care Association can add to your ideas. One carer suggests “painting” on the pavement with water and a brush as a great way for children to have fun. We suggest you keep a special shelf or — 138 —

Using Negative Consequences boxes for activities. Some carers have an activity box to be brought out as a treat. • Spend a little time setting up the child/ren with the activity. He/she is then likely to play happily unassisted for a time. Encourage children to use their imagination. You can also encourage co-operation by having children share their toys or tools. However, don’t force the issue if a child is not ready to share, or expect a child to easily share a special toy. • If you run out of ideas, you could ask the child what he/ she wants to do and see if this can be fitted in. You could always suggest an activity which is a steady favourite. Outdoor Play Young children need space to run, play, explore and let off steam. The simplest things can provide hours of entertainment, boxes for cubbies, pegs, balls, a collection of stones or leaves. Set a child a simple task, how many kinds of leaves can the child find? Can he/she fill a bucket with sand? If you are lucky enough to have a fenced park or playground nearby, you can make regular visits. You could ask a friend, with or without children to come so it’s more of a social event. Perhaps someone has a big backyard which is ideal for children. First, make sure that it’s safe, no sharp objects, dangerous areas, or holes in the fence. The Value Of Routine Planning a simple routine will help the child know what to expect and help you to organise your day. Some routines can be a lot of fun, such as a morning snack together, reading a — 139 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour book before bed, an afternoon visit to the park or to friends or shopping. A regular time when the child goes to a friend’s place and you do something else will provide variety. A selected period of time at day care and after-school care can help the child to socialise and give the carer a break. Discuss these ideas with the Case Worker. Include Children In Planning Even when children don’t understand all that you say, it is valuable to talk with them about your plans. Find out what the child wants to do and see if it’s possible. Inclusion will make for a happier outcome all round. Let the child know you are going to the park, or to visit your neighbour. Tell them about what they will be able to do. Warn them if you don’t want them to do something, e.g. swing on a curtain, climb a fence. You can make an agreement with the child and if necessary, plan a small reward for keeping the agreement. Decide how you will respond if the child does not keep to the agreement, using the behaviour management approach outlined previously. Plan in some one-to-one attention with each child during the day. Aim for time which is child led, rather than adult led, e.g you could play a game which the child wants to play. Think back to when you were a child and the times you most enjoyed an adult’s company. You may be surprised at how simple the activity was. Often what was special was having that person’s attention and interest just for yourself. — 140 —

Using Negative Consequences Anticipate Lows When are arguments and bickering most likely to occur and be most difficult to deal with? These are times when there is a conflict of needs, such as when the kids are tired or at a loose end and the adults would like nothing better than to sit down alone, rather than do all the things that need doing. The time between late afternoon and bedtime is described by one carer as the “horror run”. You need a break before you prepare a meal, tidy or get things organised for the evening, the children want attention, or to release energy in vigorous play. Resolve to take pressure off yourself. Don’t try to do everything perfectly. Fish fingers in relative peace is preferable to a more elaborate meal in an atmosphere of tension. Look for ways to meet your different needs. Try to take charge of the time. Pace yourself with quiet times throughout the day, to lessen tiredness when it’s busy at meal times or after school. Prepare dinner ahead, when you can. Look for wind-down activities such as supervised bath time, the warm water is relaxing and fun for children. A bored, whining child may become absorbed in activities which capture his/her interest such as play dough, playing with scrap items, or a favourite programme. The child may like to play outside in a safe supervised area, especially if there are other children to play with. Older children could help out with play. Just before bedtime, children often need less stimulation. Try reading a story or quietly sharing a song together. — 141 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Balance The Demands On Your Time A carer may feel pulled between children, a partner, housework, paid work and being the family “taxi”. Reduce the pressures. You can’t anticipate everything, but you can plan when you iron, cook or shop. Put chores aside, or change your plans if necessary, you need to avoid getting exhausted. Some time for yourself is essential. Keep In Touch With Your Partner If you have a partner and he/she is absent during the day, it is important to catch up together at the end of the day. You could sit and relax before the evening meal, with a snack and drink if you want. Arrange for the children to play, to give you a few minutes mostly to yourselves. You’ll feel more refreshed to deal with dinner and putting the children to bed (and homework if a child goes to school).“Living and Loving Together” by Sharon and Steve Biddulph, and “The Secret of Happy Children” by Steve Biddulph, have excellent information on parenting and getting your own needs met. Safety First Child-proofing the environment makes accidents much less likely to happen. Young children are often curious and adventurous. The things they can reach or try out increase as they grow, so you need to keep your safety measures a step ahead of the child’s development. Check your home for hazards. Keep poisonous or sharp objects well out of reach. Ensure that heated ovens or radiators are not accessible. Use the iron safely and — 142 —

Using Negative Consequences store it well away from children. Buy unbreakable cups and secure any slippery rugs. Lock doors and gates. If an accident happens, check the child thoroughly and seek medical attention if necessary. Keep the Case Worker informed of any safety concerns and any injury which was not very minor. If you need emergency medical help for the child, let the Case Worker know what has happened,as soon as the child is receiving medical attention. Make sure that you are aware of the current recording and reporting procedures around critical incidences. This information is available from your Case Worker. Dealing With Anger The last thing carers want, is to get angry with a child in care. However, anger as a natural reaction when the child’s behaviour is irritating. Children in care may have many reasons to act in ways which provoke anger from adults. A complicated mixture of feelings may be expressed in behaviour. The child may feel abandoned, rejected, deeply fearful or generally “yucky”. Sometimes the child is testing your commitment or may think he/she deserves punishment. Whatever is going on, your patience is likely to be well and truly tested. Kids have the ability to elicit extremely intense, loving feelings, “the angry feelings are the other side of the coin”, says a New York counselor, Mr Samalin, who has trained many parents in parent guidance workshops. (“Love and Anger” Viking Press, USA). Parents often feel guilty about getting angry, because they learned as children that anger was not acceptable. — 143 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour However, anger at children, just like love, is a part of life. It is a normal, useful emotion which tells us something is amiss. Good parents get angry sometimes but in safe ways which let kids know their limits. It’s probably better to get angry sooner, rather than store resentment until it erupts, like a volcano. Not only children, but adults suffer when the adults lose control. Because uncontrolled anger hurts children, we need to handle anger in appropriate ways. Here are some suggestions. Become An Observer When your feelings get caught up, it’s easy to “just react”. Instead, try to take a few steps back mentally. Get in touch with your own feelings and take a deep breath or two, give yourself a few seconds space (or longer). Imagine yourself as an uninvolved bystander with a very curious mind. You are watching and wondering about different explanations for the child’s behaviour. Could it be this, or something else? Think about the facts, without taking anything personally. Stepping back in this way will help you to cool off and feel less overwhelmed. You’ll also be more likely to understand the child. In the heat of the moment, this technique is difficult to carry out, but is well worth the effort. Don’t criticise yourself when you aren’t able to use this approach. Plan to use the technique the next time around. Practice it at times when it’s easier. Eventually you will be more able to take stock in difficult situations, before you decide how to respond. If you are about to lose control, leave the room. This can be a quiet, powerful way to demonstrate how serious you think the situation is, as well as modeling self-control. — 144 —

Using Negative Consequences “I Not You” Instead of saying “You are such a brat”, say “I am furious you broke the rule”. “I’m mad” instead of “You’re bad”. “I” statements make the point much more effectively without damaging a child’s self-esteem. Avoid physical force or threats of it, which only teaches children that force is the way to solve problems. Stay In The Present An incident should not be used to bring up past troubles e.g. “You always disagree when I ask you to help your sister” or suggest that a child will fail in the future, “Keep going like this in school and you’ll end up ... “. State your point, “I’m furious about the way this room looks” and stop. If you have been restraining yourself about other annoyances, you may spill into a litany of things the child has done recently. Children usually tune out. Keep To The Point If you are brief, the message has a better chance of hitting home. Explaining your request is a good idea, but if the child argues with you, do not get bogged down in reasons. Briefly and firmly repeat your instruction, “No boots in the kitchen”, “Homework before TV”. — 145 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Neutral Language Use neutral language to request what you want, for example “Clothes which are not put in the laundry won’t get washed” not “You always leave your clothes in a filthy mess in your bedroom”. Children are more likely to co-operate when you make neutral statements, not critical remarks. Treat The Child As A Friend It’s easy to berate children for accidents, such as a spilt drink, while we would treat an adult friend quite differently! A child’s hand/eye coordination is not equal to that of an adult and breakages or spills are more likely. Rather than attack a child’s self-confidence, encourage him/her to clean up the accident. Decide On Essentials Which rules are really important in your household and which are negotiable? Establish priorities. Will it matter in a week from now? Is it worth getting into a fight every morning about a child’s failure to make his/her bed? For example, non-negotiable rules might include a suitable bedtime on school nights, no swearing, no hitting. Negotiable behaviour for an older child might include reading at the table, skipping piano practice. A little freedom helps to encourage responsibility. Know when to bend the rules. If the child asks you reasonably and has good reasons for a request, being flexible will encourage reasonable and logical behaviour and assertiveness on the part of the child. — 146 —

Using Negative Consequences How you work things out with a child is more important than the particular issue. Treat the child with respect and also value your own judgment. For example, instead of “because I told you so”, you can tell the child “I understand this is important for you, however, I’m afraid we still have to do things this way. I am the adult here and it’s my job to help set the limits about what is reasonable and safe for you”. Identify What You Both Want Rather than argue a fixed position, try to identify the child’s underlying concerns and your concerns and see if both sets of needs can be met. For example, why doesn’t the child want to leave the playground? Does he/ she want a swing, to play longer with the other kids, or is there another reason? If it’s the other kids, maybe he/she could play for five minutes more. If you really must leave now, could you come back tomorrow or the next day? Rather than no compromise, present some different possibilities. A compromise which satisfies both of you can often be reached. Say No To Whining When a child acts whiny, don’t encourage the behaviour by giving them a lot of attention. Say you’ll be glad to talk about it when he/she can talk more happily. First ask the child to talk about the problems. If this doesn’t help you could suggest the child could go to his/her room or play on his own for a while until he/she is ready to talk. — 147 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Put it in Writing - For an older child, one choice is to put it in writing. This can be an effective and calm way of stating your case. The child may take your written words to heart and they can put your relationship on a better footing. Restore Good Feelings - If there was a heated conflict, make peace as soon as things have cooled down. Humour or a cuddle may defuse the tension or you could share an enjoyable activity. An older child may need to talk it through. You could ask “What can I do to help you to feel better?” You are restoring harmony and teaching the child not to hang onto bad feelings. Apologise - If you lost your temper and dumped frustration on the child, apologise. We all “lose it” sometimes, it is not the end of the world. Apologising respects the child’s feelings and shows that adults can admit to being wrong sometimes. — 148 —

Teenagers — 149 —