Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour

Teenagers “You never let me do anything!” “Why do I have to finish my homework now?” “You don’t understand. I hate you!” Familiar? For parents of teenagers, and for carers, the changed behaviour of even formerly easy-going children can be a rude shock. Teenagers often seem to swing between acting and feeling like adults or, on the other hand, like six-year-olds! They are going through great changes like: • Hormonal changes, sexual maturation and attractions. • Establishing an independent identity separate from his/ her family. • Exploring new ways of relating, especially with peers, self-esteem in adolescent years is strongly linked with acceptance by their peer group. • Sorting out their morals, values and beliefs. This often involves challenging what they were taught. Teenagers In Care Growing up is even more complex and difficult for a teenager in care. Teenagers living with their birth parents need not question that they belong with their families. The teenager in care is, in a sense, dispossessed and often feels painful doubts about where he/she fits in. Early disruption and moves may have weakened the child’s sense of identity. Whilst it seems common for teenagers today to feel misunderstood by adults, teenagers in care can experience extreme isolation. — 151 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour At adolescence, identity issues such as “Where do I belong?” often resurface and are especially hard to deal with. The child may need to work through issues again and again, without the benefit of a stable family background to help anchor the process. A child who has lost parental figures earlier in life may not have sufficient memories to complete the identification process. The adolescent process of becoming more independent is more difficult. Teenagers in care often need more information about their birth parents and help with grieving about the loss or lack of knowledge of parents or extended family. The child may be expected to develop ties with the care family at a time when adolescents are growing away from their families. At the same time, he/she desperately needs trusted adults and a sense of belonging. Some may appear passive, fearing that asserting themselves will not be accepted. A teenager may hold back from developing closeness with the carers’ family out of a sense of loyalty to her/ his own family, fear of rejection, or thinking, “What’s the point, I’ll be moving on again.” Self-acceptance and confidence which assist in making friends are probably low in a child who has experienced neglect, rejection or abandonment. Whilst the child from a secure family background is building friendships, the teenager in care may feel unable to form friendships or fit into a social group. It may feel awkward to tell new friends about their circumstances. Making friends may seem like a waste of time since he/she may have to move again soon. A teenager in foster care speaks of some of the concerns: — 152 —

Teenagers Hi, to all those teenagers out there... If you are curious about foster care and wanting to know about it, well, keep reading and you might have a clearer idea about foster care. There are situations which you might find hard, such as explaining to school friends why you are in foster care because most of them won’t understand you. Some of your mates might ask you some personal questions such as “Why aren’t you living with your Mum?” “What did she do?” “Where is he?” and so on. These questions don’t have to be answered. Just answer, “Don’t worry”. Once you have been placed in foster care, you might feel embarrassed to invite some of your friends over to your foster home because you don’t know how they are going to react or what they might think and you might feel uncomfortable because it is not your usual environment. You have to think of your friends, too, they might also feel the same feelings as you, so it might be an idea to try to talk to your friend and try to clear some things up. You might have a special friend that you can talk to as well as trust. Sometimes talking to a friend can help much more than a social worker. Being in foster care is nothing to be ashamed of. It has its bad points and good! Once you have been placed in foster care you might feel abandoned and alone, angry with either your Mum or Dad for putting you in foster care. You may even hate yourself. Nothing people say makes sense to you. You might think that everyone has turned against you. You disagree with the decisions, you may think everyone is deliberately trying to hurt you. — 153 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Sometimes you find yourself in a tug-of-war between your Mum and your foster family, sometimes you feel guilty for liking your foster parents and because you feel guilty, you turn against them, by abusing them. Try to remember that you can love both your foster parents and still love your Mum or Dad. If you have been placed with a family that has either their own or fostered children already there, you may feel even more alone. You may feel also left out, but try to get to know them and be nice and you will get the same reaction back! Contact is also a bit rough on everyone. Say if you went to see your Mum once a week, you might feel just as you were getting used to the foster family, you had to go and see your Mum which then made you feel you wish you were back with your Mum, then you turn against the foster family, it’s just one big cycle, which you have to break yourself, because no-one can change the way you feel, which sometimes can be a pain. I hope I have helped you. All I’m trying to say is that try to live with everyone and to talk to people who care and understand because that’s what foster care is about, wanting to help people who need help and being there when you need that help. And keep in mind that just because your parents put you in foster care, it doesn’t mean that they love you less. The only reason they put you in foster care is because they love you and don’t want you hurt because of their problems! It’s probably harder being placed in foster care because you’re not a child and you know exactly what’s happening, but then again, it’s hard being a teenager in any family household. But don’t use being fostered as an excuse to do nothing with your life and feel sorry for yourself and abuse everyone because there’s heaps of kids — 154 —

Teenagers out there who’d love to have a foster family to love and share their life with them. So, sure you will miss your parents and that’s not a crime but don’t let it stop you from living because you’re only a teenager once. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say and if you don’t you will in the end. Kristi Reproduced with thanks to Kristi and the Foster Care Association of WA. Helping Teenagers In Care These ideas may help to make a placement easier for the teenager (and the rest of your household): • Read and learn as much as you can about teenagers. They are typically assertive and/or angry at times. Some of what you are coping with may be predictable teenage behaviour. Needs for control and establishing greater independence are often acted out in conflict, e.g. arguing, getting angry, swearing, untidiness. Teenagers need to develop their own identities distinct from their own parents or foster families’ identities. They need to build independence as well as attachment. Be committed to helping the child achieve both. • Teenagers in care often need more information about their birth parents.The Case Worker and carer must work closely together to plan this work. Details such as where a parent grew up, family names or photographs are important, and a lot better than nothing as a starting point for the child. — 155 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • Building the teenager’s self-esteem should be one of your main concerns. Think about what qualities do you admire in yourself? Skills, activities, interests and accomplishments all contribute to self-esteem. Encourage the teenager to pursue a hobby which attracts him/her. Notice and comment on the teenager’s special interests. Friendships are very important to teenagers so encourage social contacts. The child will need to balance socialising and school work. • Build the child’s confidence in his/her ability to make choices as a young adult e.g. if the teenager is sorting something out, listen to ideas, offer your own thoughts and encourage the teenager to reach an informed decision. • For a teenager coming into care, an important question is: Will I be accepted as I am, or will I need to change myself? The child is used to a completely different family life. • Use a written contract and/or verbal agreement with the teenager about how you will work together to make the placement succeed. A contract is a simple agreement about behaviour which you have both agreed on, e.g. what time he/she will be in at night or what household tasks are the teenager’s responsibilities. It may include consequences for performing or not performing the behaviour. Be clear about issues where you do not want to compromise. Rather than take a position which leads to confrontation, you may both suggest ideas which meet your respective needs and avoid a power struggle. It is probably best to discuss a contract with Case Worker or psychologist. — 156 —

Teenagers Once the contract is organised, review it with the teenager regularly (say, once a week). Encourage him/her to describe how it is working out and what is good and bad about it. Say how it is going for you and: • Respect the child’s need to be treated as an adult even if his/ her behaviour doesn’t seem to match up. The adolescent’s strong need to feel independent makes him/her more likely to respond well to requests on an adult-to-adult basis. Threats of coercion are less likely to be effective. • Take a few deep breaths and keep calm if things seem to be going off the rails. If you “go off the deep end”, it is harder for the teenager and yourself to sort through the problem. Try to recall how you were at his/her age. Think about your fears and hopes and what you thought about adults. Try to keep the lines of communication open. • Listen sympathetically if the teenager wants to talk. You don’t have to change the feelings or solve the problem. Not judging the teenager’s views shows that you value and respect him/her. • Some teenagers say very little. What if a child spends hours in the bedroom and doesn’t seem to want to talk? There could be a number of reasons. Does he/she just want to be left alone? Would he/she like to talk but doesn’t know how to explain things? Does the teenager need time to settle in? Try not to take it personally. Instead, consider some possible reasons for the behaviour. • You will then have a better idea about how to respond. — 157 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Arguments Try to accept a teenager’s point of view in arguments, rather than get too bogged down. This doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree, simply that you acknowledge his/her right to an opinion. You don’t need to back down on an issue which is important to you, for example, a basic household rule or a value you hold. If you respect their ideas, teenagers are more likely to respect yours. As with all of us, the choice of values and actions is ultimately theirs. Teenagers can seem very negative and critical. Try to appreciate the challenge, idealism or hurt which may lie behind their views or complaints. The author Mark Twain said, “When I was fourteen, my father knew nothing, but when I was twenty-one, I was amazed at how much the old boy had learned in seven years!” Sessions can be arranged to help you to sort out conflicts which you have not been able to resolve. Don’t hesitate to consult with the Case Worker. If you think the child has serious problems seek help immediately. Don’t attempt to deal alone with feelings which can overwhelm the teenager. You could also contact the Foster Care Association and talk with another carer with teenagers. You and another carer in your area who has teenagers could give each other support, especially at difficult times. — 158 —

Caring for Infants — 159 —



Caring for Infants Babies are totally dependent on adults to meet their needs and protect their health. When you foster a newborn infant or a baby you need to understand their feeding requirements and care routines. You feed the child and provide affection, stimulation and round the clock care. As with any child, it is important that you understand the reasons the baby is entering care. You also require vital medical information relevant to the child. For example, a child could be born substance addicted, have been abused and/or neglected, or have a medical condition requiring special care. What does the baby need? A baby can only indicate his/her needs by crying or stopping crying, movement and facial expression, e.g. by showing interest or pleasure at the attention or the fascinating object you have given him/her, or quietening down and relaxing when you pick him/her up. Sometimes you mightn’t have a clue why he/she is crying. The important thing is to listen and try to work it out. Contrary to popular belief, babies do not cry just to exercise their lungs. The child may be hungry, thirsty, colicky, lonely, bored or frightened, wanting to be held, uncomfortable in a wet nappy, teething, have earache or an infection, too hot or too cold, even seriously ill and requiring urgent medical attention. With time and practice, as you get to know each other, you will become quicker at working out what the baby wants. For example, it could be: • Satisfaction of a physical need, food, drink, change of nappy, less or more clothing. — 161 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • Stimulation, contact, attention, diversion with toys or other children or sound. Loving touch, affection and stimulation have been found to be essential to the well-being and development of infants. Severe deprivation has even been shown to stunt physical development. • Less stimulation, when a child needs to settle down, a soothing, less intrusive or stimulating environment will help him/her. He/ she may need to settle for a time in a cot and catch up with rest. • The child is unwell. At times babies don’t stop crying even though you have tried everything you can think of. You need to talk to the child health nurse, the doctor and the Case Worker if this persists. Be flexible A baby needs to be responded to, rather than put on a rigid schedule. A hungry crying baby should not have to wait for a planned feed time, by which time the child may be so distressed that he/she cannot eat. Having said this, it is also important to gradually establish a daily routine, for example, a sleeping pattern where the child eventually sleeps for eight hours a night. This can take more than a year or a few months for a newborn baby. If the child sleeps through the night from six weeks you are very lucky. (Sleeping patterns change and it may not last!) You can take the baby for clinic visits weekly or less frequently to check development and discuss aspects of care and behaviour. — 162 —

Caring for Infants The clinic nurse can advise you or provide information about some other services for children. A series of immunisations are provided to protect the child against several diseases. Support In Caring For Infants Caring for infants takes a lot of day-time energy, not to mention nights of broken sleep. Try to set up a network of people who will understand what you are going through, e.g. if a baby is colicky, people who will help out when you need a break. Let others know how it’s going - don’t keep it all to yourself. Others may have had similar experiences to share or offer advice or assistance. You don’t have to take any advice that you don’t agree with, but it’s nice to have a listening ear and some support. Baby Is An Individual Whilst babies cannot talk, they are as much individuals as older children. They take great interest in what is happening around them and learn from what they see, taste, hear, smell, touch and experience. Studies have shown that young babies respond to many more stimuli than was previously thought of to be the case. They recognise their mothers by smell within days of birth, rapidly come to recognise a parent or carer’s voice and in their early months begin to respond more strongly to the people who continually give them care. — 163 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour By about nine months of age, an infant typically protests vigorously at being left by the primary caregiver.This is a normal indication that the child has become closely attached. Early Attachment Because you are the person who cares for baby on a daily basis, an infant placed in your care will bond to you as if you are his/ her parent. Young infants develop their first primary attachment over the first eighteen months of life. Strong attachment is usually evident within the first six months. This significant bond underlies the development of basic trust, acute personality and the ability to give and receive affection. Any placement of a child in the early months of life comes at a crucial time for the child. An eighteen-month-old child placed with foster carers from birth will see them as parents and suffer similar emotional trauma to a biological child at leaving their care. The timing of the bonding process means that agencies placing very young children need to carry out their planning with special urgency. When a placement extends for more than a few weeks, the child’s naturally developing attachment within the foster family and sense of where he/she belongs become important considerations. This process also occurs for older children but is a special concern with infants. — 164 —

Caring for Infants When A Young Child Returns To Parent/s It can be extra hard for carers when a baby who has been in their care for an extended time returns to his/her family. The transition is usually difficult for the child, who has a strong primary attachment to the carer. The child’s parents too, need to gradually build their relationship with the child. How the whole process is handled influences how it affects the child. Making the transition in a gradual way usually assists the child’s longer-term adjustment. Carers can also help by accepting and coping with their own feelings in a way which does not place extra pressure on the child.   — 165 —



Caring for Carers — 167 —



Caring for Carers Working as a carer can be extremely difficult at times. Carers need caring too, to help them through the rough patches in fostering and in order to keep feeling positive about the work they do. Contact With Carers One of the greatest sources of support for carers is other carers, because they know from experience what the job is like. Having other carers you can call on to share ideas or just listen can make all the difference. You will feel more empowered, less isolated and better informed. New foster carers can ask their Case Worker for the phone numbers of other carers in their area who would be willing to be contacted. The Placement Officer helps carers to link up, for example, through coffee mornings where they meet other carers. Regular meetings and training provide a venue for informal support to develop. The Foster Care Association offers support and advocacy to all carers throughout Western Australia. The Association can be contacted on 9242 4222 / 1800 497 101. Further information regarding the Association’s services can be found on their website - www.fcawa.com.au. Getting Help You have the right to ask for more support and help. When the Case Worker knows you have concerns, he/she can think about how to provide some help. A carer may hesitate because he/she thinks they may be blamed in some way for a situation or, that — 169 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour they “should” be able to cope alone. You may like to check it out with another carer first, or the Foster Care Association. Voicing your problem may be the first step towards overcoming it or handling it more easily. Recognise The Pressures Unresolved pressures make worries about a child’s behaviour seem much bigger. How you cope with the behaviour will be affected by the pressures. What are your individual “early warning signals” that stress is building up? Ask yourself these or similar questions: • Am I under stress for any reason? (e.g. money, an illness in the family, a decision to be made). • Am I often tired, sick or feeling “out of sorts”? • Is there anything I need to discuss with the child’s Case Worker? • Am I getting my needs met enough of the time? • Am I getting enough support/contact with other carers? You may need some time to sort out what is worrying you. Once you have identified a problem, you can decide what to do about it. Caring For Yourself Some simple self-nurturing ways to ease immediate worries are: • Have a rest. • Visit or phone a friend for a chat. — 170 —

Caring for Carers • Use the time the child is having contact with their family to do something with your family. • Arrange for someone to care for the children, even if only for an hour or two. • Plan some nice things for yourself - soon. • A short break stay on a regular basis can be available for foster families. Discuss this with the Case Worker. Acting Assertively Saying “yes” when we are not really willing leads to feeling overloaded, drained and resentful. Being assertive means saying “yes” or “no” and stating what we want or need in a clear and non-aggressive way, even when pressured to make a choice we would rather refuse. You respect yourself and the person you are negotiating with when concerns are kept up front. Three steps in assertiveness are: 1) Describe the behaviour, e.g. “You have asked if we can foster a child right now”. 2) Describe how it makes you feel, e.g. “I feel unsure about taking on another child so soon after Jason has left and want to know how David and the children will feel about it”. 3) Say what you want, e.g.“I’d like you to give me more details so I can think about it and discuss it with the family. I’d like to call you back about it tomorrow. Is that suitable for you?” What do you do if you don’t agree with the plan made for the child? There are a number of advantages to acting assertively. — 171 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour When you have thought through the issues and are clear about all the reasons you don’t agree we suggest you talk over your views with the Case Worker, you may have some information that hasn’t yet been heard or given sufficient emphasis. The officer may be able to explain the reasons behind the case plan in more detail, so you are clearer about the aims of the plan. Even when nothing changes it is better to persevere and talk through your concerns instead of feeling powerless because you have assumed (wrongly) that you do not have the right to speak up. Surviving Tough Times Tough times are when little or big problems have piled up so that you feel like giving. You need to put yourself first and take time out. Here are some ideas, see what works for you: • Take five deep breaths, inhale and exhale slowly. As you breathe out, relax your shoulders until they are floppy. • Sit down. Count to ten, or twenty. You could say the alphabet out aloud. • If you are arguing with a child, walk away. Go outside. Look at the garden. • Punch a pillow in your bedroom. Growl or yell, or cry if you need to. Shout “I’m angry”. Make faces in the mirror (you may end up laughing). • Write down your thoughts and feelings. • Remember to appreciate your strengths as a carer. List things that you do well and what is going well. Think about the big picture. — 172 —

Caring for Carers • Sometimes we need to complain! Phone a friend who will understand that you need to “let off steam”. • Take a bath or shower. Put your feet up. Have a cup of tea. Water your plants. Put on some music you like, meditate, look through a magazine, newspaper or photo album, or watch TV. • Do sit-ups or go for a walk. • Phone the Foster Care Association or another foster carer. Find out about other carers in your area, or when the next coffee morning is on. “A problem shared is a problem halved”. Contact with someone who understands what you are going through can be a tremendous help. • Maybe you need more fun. If all your energy seems to be going into others, plan some activities which are fun and relatively easy to arrange. You could start attending a group/coffee morning where the children are minded for a little while. Get someone to mind the child/ren while you have an afternoon to yourself. • Ask the Case Worker about childcare costs. Start a hobby you have always liked, even if it’s only an hour a week. When you have made it through the tough time, you may decide to get more ongoing help. Different kinds of assistance are available from the Department, e.g. psychologist help with a behaviour programme for the child. You may want sessions involving yourself and other members of your family, as appropriate or help with additional costs, and so on. Short break stay for the child can help a carer’s family cope at a difficult time. — 173 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Regular part- time childcare can ease pressures. Don’t be afraid to discuss this with the Case Worker if you think it could help. Help With Self-Talk How we feel about things is largely determined by what we tell ourselves about what is happening in our lives. It’s almost as if there was a tape of “self-talk” going on inside our heads. We feel happy, or sad, without realising that our self-talk is affecting our feelings. For example, a person who says, “It’s going to be lousy day” may well feel bad, whereas the person who thinks, “What can I enjoy doing today?” is likely to have a better time. Someone who thinks a problem can’t be solved is more likely to give up than someone who says, “I’m going to change things one way or another”. Many children who have experienced neglect or abuse believe very negative things about themselves and we need to give the child more inspiring messages. As adults, we can exercise some choice over what we think. There are a number of things you can tell yourself when you are worried about a child’s behaviour. You could say “this is terrible” or, “she shouldn’t do that”, or “this means that I am no good as a carer”. These thoughts may make you feel inadequate, angry with the child and less able to help. On the other hand, you could say “I wonder why he is doing that?” or, “her behaviour does not mean that I am no good as a carer. What it does mean is that she has a problem. I do not need to feel responsible, and I can think about ways to influence her to behave differently. What might help to change things?” These thoughts will probably make you feel more optimistic — 174 —

Caring for Carers in the situation. This approach can be described as reframing, where you look for opportunities and a positive perspective. Your Professional Values It’s hard working with children who have been hurt and emotionally damaged. It’s easy to feel confused or demoralised if plans change, as they may well do, or you don’t know if or when the child will be reunited with his/her family. Perhaps you find it difficult to communicate with a particular Case Worker. The professional values in your work as a carer can help you carry through and support the child, yourself and the goal of the placement. Clarity about your values helps you in your responses to the child. For example, when you believe in encouraging contact with the child’s family, you will be accepting about visits, encourage the child to talk about family and help him/her to work through mixed feelings. If you do not see much point in the child having family contact, you might disapprove of visits or seem less than happy when the child mentions family. The child might then feel that he/she should not talk about family or feelings connected with the family. The following statements about professional values were developed by a group of carers. You may want to add your own: • It’s my job to help the child to return home. I can help with his/her feeling about the family, whatever else happens. • Sometimes I feel as if I have made no impression, but at least I have shown her/him some other ways of doing things. — 175 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • It’s okay to feel angry about what has happened to the child but I can keep these feelings to myself. However, I have the right to talk privately about my feelings with a trusted friend. • I cannot control everything that happens for the child but I am in charge of my own home. • I have the right to ask for help when I need it. I am not alone. Foster Carers are part of the Care Team Approach. Our job is to promote what is best for the child. • I have the right to raise concerns affecting the child (and myself ) with the Case Worker. • It’s going to affect all of us when he/she leaves but we will cope with our feelings over time. • If it didn’t work out, I still did my best. Review Your Skills Here is a list of some skills which help in managing children’s behaviour: • Show acceptance of the child’s individual differences and feelings. • Decide on realistic expectations and communicate these to the child. • Setting firm, reasonable limits. • Applying mainly positive consequences such as praise or rewards, for acceptable behaviour. • Consistent and fair application of consequences. — 176 —

Caring for Carers • Tolerance for mistakes, showing patience. • Making opportunities for a child to correct mistakes. • Creating opportunities for new learning. You might like to review your strengths and identify which skills you want to improve. It’s possible to be highly skilled in one area and benefit from extra training in another. Learning often follows this sequence: Direction - When first learning, we need to know exactly what to do, in detail. We may not grasp it all, and we require considerable direction. Coaching - We still need a lot of instruction but are ready to take in more information and start to learn how principles apply in different situations. Support - We know mostly what to do and why we are doing it, but need encouragement to increase our confidence as we gain experience. Independent - We can perform the skill without help. This is the stage where we become our own guide and may teach others. Sometimes, if we encounter something new, we need extra support as the experience and required skills are mastered. Support and encouragement at any stage are usually welcomed. Think about your different skills and imagine there is one you want to improve on, for example, limit setting. Do you need direction, detailed information about exactly what to do? Or, do you have some knowledge about what to do but need coaching? Do you just need support and encouragement, or hints for a new situation? — 177 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Learning goes on all our lives and is a challenging and fascinating journey. As you keep learning, you can also help others with what you have learned. The C.A.R.E. Approach – Again Finally, here is the C.A.R.E. sequence again. Keep these steps in mind as you manage young children’s behaviour. C. Consider the possible reasons for the behaviour. A. Assess R. Respond what you think may be influencing the behaviour to continue. E. Evaluate to the child,based on your assessment and knowledge of behaviour management principles. how it worked out and how you will respond next time. It may take a few moments, hours or days, to move through the sequence, depending on the situation. — 178 —



Useful Reading Steve Biddulph The Secret Of Happy Children Bay Books 1988 Vera Fahlberg Attachment and Separation - Practice Series 5 Helping Children When They Must Move - Practice Series 6 Child Development - Practice Series 7 British Agencies for Adoption and Fostering, 1982 Michael Griffen and Alan Hudson (Editors) Children Problems - A Guide for Parents Circus Books 1979 Mia Kellmer Pringle The Needs of Children The Anchor Press Ltd 1977 — 180 —