Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour

Foreword HELPING YOUNG CHILDREN WITH THEIR BEHAVIOUR A Guide for Foster Carers The Foster Care Association of WA (FCAWA) has received ongoing requests from foster families, family carers, and both departmental and non-government placement agencies, for a re-print of this handbook. The continual demand for this behavioural management guide reflects the books common- sense content, high quality and clear user-friendly language. This re-print has not resulted in any changes to the body of the written work due to the content’s current relevancy, and provision of easy-to-read information on carer issues; preparing for placement and attachment; and practical guidance on meeting the physical, emotional and social needs of a child in care. The FCAWA, however, acknowledges that over the years since the handbook was first published, there have been progressive changes to behaviour management responses that are reflective of trauma informed therapeutic parenting. For example, the use of ‘time in’ vs ‘time out’; and ‘consequence’ vs ‘punishment’. In addition, there have been multiple changes to the name of the Department (at the time of this reprint known as Department of Communities, Child Protection and Family Support), staff positions, and the terminology attached to day-to-day practices. —3—

These periodic changes have not been updated within the book. The reader can view the current changes in therapeutic and professional practise terminology in the Glossary overleaf. I am sure this behavioural management guide will continue to be a helpful resource in the fostering experience. Kind regards Fay Alford Director Foster Care Association of WA Inc. 2019 —4—

Glossary: Old Versus New Terminology Foster carers versus foster families. Short term placement versus temporary – short term. Respite care versus short break stay. Access visit versus contact visit. Divisional Officer versus District Director. Foster Care Officer versus Senior Child Protection Worker Placement Services. Punishment versus consequence (an opportunity for learning). Agency Team versus Care Team Approach. Out of Home and Alternative Care Officer versus Senior Child Protection Worker Placement Services. Resources: The following is an updated additional list of resources which reflect the need for children who have experienced trauma to be parented in a way that helps them feel safe and secure, while building attachments within their foster families. Dr Christopher Green: “Beyond Toddlerdom” Transworld Publishers 2000 Daniel Hughes: “Attachment Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies for Care for Children” Daniel Hughes: “Creating loving Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child” —5—



Acknowledgments This booklet is the second of two books focusing on the needs of young children in Foster Care. Even when the child in your care is older, it is useful information. Elaine Atkinson is a registered Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Perth who has worked with children and families for many years. Helen Oxnam (Bachelor of Social Work) has worked as a Foster Care Officer and a Training Officer and has a special interest in the issues involved in communicating with children. We would like to thank the carers who so generously shared their thoughts, experiences and time with us. Without their help this book would not have been written. Former President of the Foster Care Association, Trish O’Neil and other committee members have all provided essential comment drawn up from their own experience and practical help and encouragement in completing the project. Thanks to you all for your patience and support. Thanks also to another past President, Ida Curtois, who helped organise the funding and momentum for work on the book to get under way. The assistance of the then Department for Community Development, in providing funding for the production is much appreciated. Input from staff who have read and commented on drafts has also been most useful. —7—

Margaret Elliott and Kay Wright, formerly of the FCA office, are thanked for their contribution and support. Finally, typing the several drafts of the book was a time consuming and detailed task. Special thanks go to Yvonne Cliffen, Robin Goynich and Rebecca Bruton for their work and all the patience and good will that went with it. —8—

Table of Contents Foreword...................................................................................... 3 Glossary: Old Versus New Terminology...........................................5 Resources:..........................................................................................5 Acknowledgments.............................................................................7 What Is The Book About?.......................................................... 15 Introduction................................................................................17 Who is it for?..............................................................................17 Scope Of The Book.....................................................................18 How will it help carers?..............................................................18 Using the C.A.R.E. Approach...................................................19 Special Issues For Carers............................................................. 21 The Nature of Fostering..............................................................23 Learning To Live Together.........................................................25 Fostering Is About Feelings........................................................25 Acknowledging Grieving............................................................27 Transitions..................................................................................27 Grieving and Adjustment...........................................................29 Understanding The Child’s Behaviour........................................31 Cultural Issues............................................................................33 Past Family Life..........................................................................35 Types of Abuse...........................................................................37 Emotional Abuse........................................................................38 Sexual Abuse..............................................................................39 When A Child Discloses Abuse.................................................41 Helping The Sexually Abused Child..........................................42 Age And Stage...........................................................................44

Developmental Cycles................................................................45 Children Who Act Older/ Younger Than Their Age..................46 Individual Differences................................................................47 What’s Happening Now.............................................................48 Your Family And You.................................................................49 Medical Problems.......................................................................50 The Placement............................................................................ 53 Introduction................................................................................55 The Child’s Contribution To Your Family..................................56 Before The Child Arrives............................................................56 What else should I know?..........................................................57 Confidentiality............................................................................58 What Does The Child Tell Other People...................................58 Meeting The Child And Family Before The Placement.............59 Goals For The Placement...........................................................60 Settling In...................................................................................62 Household Rules........................................................................63 The Process Of Adjustment........................................................63 Helping The Child To Adjust.....................................................65 Feelings Are Ok..........................................................................67 The Value Of Play.......................................................................68 Why am I in care?......................................................................69 The Child’s Life Story................................................................70 Children Sometimes Need To Forget.........................................71 Language....................................................................................72 The Importance of Attachment................................................... 73 How Children Form Attachments.............................................75 Holding And Touching..............................................................77 Children Who Like To Be Held................................................77 Children Who Are Wary Of Touch...........................................78

Feeding.......................................................................................79 Illness..........................................................................................80 Positive Attention.......................................................................80 Be Consistent.............................................................................83 The Child’s Family...................................................................... 85 My Home Your Home...............................................................87 Coping With Unsettled Behaviour.............................................88 The Value Of Family Contact.....................................................90 Helping The Child With Visits..................................................91 When Contact Triggers A Crisis................................................92 When A Child Leaves................................................................94 Contact After The Child Returns Home....................................96 If The Placement Did Not Work Out........................................96 Helping Your Own Family.........................................................97 After A Child Leaves...............................................................100 Behaviour Management An Overview...................................... 103 Learning And Behaviour..........................................................105 Principles Of Behaviour...........................................................105 Notice Acceptable Behaviour...................................................106 What’s “Normal”?.....................................................................107 When is behaviour a problem?.................................................107 How Attachment Problems Affect Behaviour..........................110 Styles Of Parenting - What Works Best..................................110 Managing Inappropriate Behaviour.......................................... 113 Using C.A.R.E.........................................................................115 Problem Behaviours..................................................................116 Ways To Encourage New Behaviour........................................116 Increasing Wanted Behaviour...................................................117 Decreasing Unwanted Behaviour.............................................117

Teaching New Behaviour.........................................................118 Learning More Appropriate Behaviour....................................119 Setting Limits...........................................................................120 Realistic Limits.........................................................................121 Acting Out Feelings.................................................................122 Putting Limits Into Practice - Five Steps.................................123 Example Of Putting Limits Into Practice................................125 Learning By Consequences......................................................126 Choosing Consequences...........................................................127 Can I achieve what I want through positive consequences?......128 What’s the best way to get my message across?........................128 How can I make it relevant?.....................................................128 How can I take the child’s past experiences into account?........129 Avoid Power Struggles.............................................................129 Stay Positive About The Child.................................................130 Points To Remember................................................................130 When The Problem Is Too Big.................................................131 Using Negative Consequences.................................................. 133 Should I Smack?.......................................................................135 Why Do Adults Smack?...........................................................136 Why Smacking Does Not Work..............................................136 Ways To Prevent/Reduce Conflict............................................138 Activities...................................................................................138 Outdoor Play............................................................................139 The Value Of Routine...............................................................139 Include Children In Planning..................................................140 Anticipate Lows.......................................................................141 Balance The Demands On Your Time......................................142 Keep In Touch With Your Partner...........................................142 Safety First................................................................................142 Dealing With Anger.................................................................143

Become An Observer...............................................................144 “I Not You”...............................................................................145 Stay In The Present...................................................................145 Keep To The Point....................................................................145 Neutral Language.....................................................................146 Treat The Child As A Friend....................................................146 Decide On Essentials...............................................................146 Identify What You Both Want.................................................147 Say No To Whining.................................................................147 Teenagers................................................................................. 149 Teenagers In Care.....................................................................151 Helping Teenagers In Care.......................................................155 Arguments................................................................................158 Caring for Infants..................................................................... 159 What does the baby need?........................................................161 Be flexible.................................................................................162 Support In Caring For Infants.................................................163 Baby Is An Individual...............................................................163 Early Attachment.....................................................................164 When A Young Child Returns To Parent/s..............................165 Caring for Carers...................................................................... 167 Contact With Carers................................................................169 Getting Help............................................................................169 Recognise The Pressures...........................................................170 Caring For Yourself..................................................................170 Acting Assertively.....................................................................171 Surviving Tough Times............................................................172 Help With Self-Talk.................................................................174 Your Professional Values...........................................................175

Review Your Skills....................................................................176 The C.A.R.E. Approach – Again.............................................178 Useful Reading......................................................................... 180

What Is The Book About? — 15 —



What Is The Book About? Introduction This book looks at ways to better understand the behaviour of children who enter foster care and help them with behaviour which is causing problems. We are in the best position to help children when we have some information about the possible causes of their behaviour and, likewise, some knowledge about behaviour management techniques. Carers we spoke with especially wanted advice on: • Understanding behaviour which is hard to manage. • Helping children with their feelings (which are often expressed in behaviour). • Dealing with children’s behaviour changes related to leaving home, contact visits and other major transitions. • Identifying behavioural problems and encouraging children to behave in more acceptable ways. We have aimed to provide information and advice on these general topics. Plans for an individual child, such as a behaviour management program, need to be discussed with the Case Worker and/or a psychologist. Who is it for? This book is written primarily for foster carers and the staff who work with them. Experienced carers can use the book to review some of their skills in behaviour management. Recently registered carers, or people considering becoming foster carers, will find it useful. Carers can make notes, discuss sections with family, their Case Worker or use it to start a “think tank” on a — 17 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour particular problem. For more support and ideas, the Foster Care Association of WA is a valuable resource. Important facts about fostering are contained in the Foster Care Handbook, produced by the Association and the Department for Community Development. Scope Of The Book We have limited the scope of our discussion, as a library of books could be written on children in care. We have focused on children of pre-primary or primary school age, rather than try to cover all age groups. At the request of carers, there is a brief section on teenagers in care, and some of the special needs of babies. Cultural and ethnic issues, whilst important, have not been explored. Foster carers sometimes work closely with the child’s family. This important task, which requires special skills and supervision, is not examined in detail. We urge carers needing more information or support on any topic to seek it out, your Case Worker and the Foster Care Association are good places to start. How will it help carers? The strategies we have outlined will help you to manage children’s behaviour. However, these are guidelines, not a “magic wand” to instantly solve problems. There is, unfortunately, no “magic wand”! In our experience, progress is very gradual. It is important to be realistic, to appreciate little changes and look for the bigger picture, rather than expect too much of children, or yourselves. — 18 —

What Is The Book About? Caring for yourself is essential, especially when you put as much time and energy into others as foster families do. That means learning to look after yourself when a child’s behaviour may be driving you bananas, as well as coping with the ongoing pressures of a placement and family life. We have paid special attention to this topic. Praising yourself for the little and big achievements from day to day is one way of remembering to look after yourself. Give yourself heaps of encouragement as you use this book in your fostering work. We wish to affirm the value of your work and help you to feel more able to continue when “the going gets tough”. Using the C.A.R.E. Approach There are four steps which we recommend you follow as you work with children in care. Try to keep them in mind as you read the book, and when you work with children. They are: C. Consider the possible reasons for the behaviour. A. Assess R. Respond what you think may be influencing the behaviour to continue. E. Evaluate to the child,based on your assessment and knowledge of behaviour management principles. how it worked out and how you will respond next time. It can take a few moments, hours or days, to move through the sequence, depending on the situation. — 19 —



Special Issues For Carers — 21 —



Special Issues For Carers The Nature of Fostering Foster families, staff and others need to acknowledge the special difficulties inherent in caring for someone else’s child. There is still little awareness in the wider community about the nature of fostering and its demands on carers and their families. Some people think fostering is like adoption, whereas today, in the majority of cases, the goal is temporary – short term foster placement working towards a planned return home. Placing a child in foster care is a serious step which is only undertaken when all other options have been exhausted, such as preventative measures and help for the child’s family. The goal, wherever possible, is to preserve family unity. A mutual placement with relatives or persons well known to the child is explored as a first option. Siblings are placed together. Some children enter care because of a family crisis e.g. parent hospitalisation and no extended family members to support the child. In many cases, children are placed in care after a thorough assessment due to concerns about the child’s safety and issues of abuse and neglect. Contact and visits with the child’s family are part of the placement plan. Only in exceptional circumstances will a decision be made for a child to remain in long-term care. Foster families do not necessarily receive unqualified support from their family, friends and the community. As one carer said, “people understand when I have a problem with one of my own children, but some think that because I chose to foster, I have no right to complain or that I should send the child back if there are problems”. Whilst others are very supportive, the — 23 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour fact remains that the understanding extended to parents is not always available to families who foster. Good quality foster care provides essential assistance to children who are unable to live with their own families. It has the potential to lessen the damage caused by family crisis, neglect or abuse and the trauma of separation from family and the child’s familiar environment. It can provide the child with experiences of affection, stability and family life during a very difficult time. Even when the negative events in a child’s life have been enormous, positive experiences in foster care can help to minimise the damage and turn the situation around for a child.Foster care is about trying to empower children coping with circumstances which can disrupt their development. A child dealing with traumatic life events will have intense emotions which need to be expressed. Such feelings are typically expressed through the child’s behaviour. Carers can provide a settled and stable environment where, ideally, the child learns to feel more able to express some of the feelings and cope with what has happened. As well as caring for the child, foster families also work with various agency staff.They need to know that these staff appreciate what fostering involves and that they will not be judged to be “failures” if a placement does not work out. Support from Case Workers and others, such as practical assistance, willingness to listen, and help when difficulties arise in a foster placement, contribute greatly to successful foster care. — 24 —

Special Issues For Carers Learning To Live Together When a child enters your family, it is like two different worlds meeting. Like beings from different planets, it takes time to learn each other’s language and how to get on. To understand behaviour and how to handle it you have to take into account: • The child’s previous experiences of being parented. • Your own experiences of being parented. • How your family can act together as a team. You need to take a close look at your experience and the child’s experience. You can’t always assume that the ways you successfully manage your children will fit with a fostered child. You sometimes have to find different ways to deal with a child’s behaviour, depending on the particular child. For example, a method of discipline you may use with your own child - such as “time out” in the bedroom - may be inappropriate for a fostered child who has been locked out or locked up in the past. A child who was physically abused may seem to invite physical discipline by his or her behaviour, yet to discipline by smacking would simply repeat a negative pattern. The child’s cultural and ethnic background also influence family life and need to be understood and respected by the care family. Fostering Is About Feelings Understanding the feelings involved in fostering helps carers to support themselves in their work. It is sometimes said that — 25 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour carers “should” constantly maintain a professional detachment and avoid feeling strongly about the child, the placement, or any problems which arise. This mistaken belief, is not only unrealistic but can have a negative effect. It is natural for carers to become attached to a child and concerned about the child’s future. Uncertainty about the length of placement and the plan for the child (especially if plans change) can be a very stressful aspect of fostering. Fostering involves transition, change and often uncertainty. It brings particular stresses and pressures to bear on all the parties involved. Carers who experience strong feelings about a child or situation may feel guilty or inadequate or even think that their feelings mean they are not suited to fostering. However, strong feelings are natural and need to be acknowledged in a positive way. Any placement is affected by: • The child’s feelings about going to live with another family. • The parents’ feelings about the placement, especially when it is against their wishes. • The carers’ feelings about the child and situation. • The Case Worker’s feelings. Foster families care for children emotionally as well as physically. They aim to develop a trusting and positive relationship which will help the child to cope and build his or her confidence as far as possible within the time frame of the placement. At the same time, most fostering means working towards the child’s return home and carers try to help the child prepare for the return. Children usually have contact visits with the family, and carers — 26 —

Special Issues For Carers help children cope with their feelings before and after visits. These events can be an emotional roller coaster for the child, the family and for carers. Acknowledging Grieving Children in care are children who are experiencing loss. Our society is not very good at acknowledging feelings about loss and allowing the process of grieving to run its full course. For example, there seems to be an expectation that a person who is bereaved will mourn for a set period, then put grief aside and get on with living. People sometimes feel so uncomfortable about grieving that they try to ignore it altogether. However, anyone who has lost a close relative or friend, or experienced other major losses knows that feelings can be intense and unpredictable and last much longer than tradition would have it. The grieving process is very similar for children who move into care. One reason that society downplays these feelings is that strong emotions such as sadness or anger, may be seen as negative or unacceptable. However, the reverse is true, acknowledging feelings (whilst not necessarily acting on all of them) builds emotional maturity and resilience. Transitions Much of fostering involves dealing with transitions which usually cause strong feelings for all involved. It is helpful to know what kind of feelings the people who are centrally affected may — 27 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour expect to have. You may then cope better and know that the feelings will not last forever. Feelings about loss or life changes tend to follow a sequence: • Shock at the loss. • A denial stage, followed by a “bargaining” stage. • Strong feelings e.g. anger, sadness, or both (these can be seen as “two sides of the same coin”). • Feeling disorganised e.g. forgetful, absent-minded, lacking energy. • The feelings begin to resolve; over time you can accept what has happened and “get back on track” with your life. A great deal of change and adjustment goes on for everyone when a child arrives, settles in the carers’ home, goes on contact visits, and eventually returns home. The child will be moving through feelings continually, as will his or her family. Carers and their family members will also be affected. Remembering the above sequence of feelings may help you to share more easily with a partner or trusted friend. One carer told us that when the boy she and her husband had fostered returned home after two years, she experienced a lot of sadness, whilst her husband felt mostly angry about aspects of the way it was handled. When they talked, they found it helpful to acknowledge each other’s feelings. Accepting the range of feelings you may experience in fostering, and being willing to seek out support when you need it, will help you to cope and deal with children’s behaviour. — 28 —

Special Issues For Carers Grieving and Adjustment When a child comes into alternative care a lot of his/her behaviour reflects emotions about separation from family. Children typically express their feelings through their behaviour. They are unlikely to be able to calmly tell you what is wrong. It may be many months before a child begins to feel secure or trust you enough to share feelings with you. Most children experience a lot of anger at some stage and express their anger feelings by aggressive or destructive behaviour. Strong feelings can arise at any time during a child’s placement and may be triggered by visits with family or changes in the foster family. The child might seem easily upset by little things, compare the foster family unfavourably with parents or “test out” the carers’ expectations about behaviour. Such behaviour is quite predictable and characteristic of adjustment as the child settles into his/her new home. Carers who are unaware of this could easily see the child’s behaviour as rejection rather than as a necessary part of a process which may take a long time. The impact of separation should not be underestimated. Even when a child’s attachment with parent’s has been largely negative, the child will still grieve the loss. If not parent’s, there is usually someone with whom the child has a positive attachment. It could be a brother or sister, a grandparent, or even a neighbour. There are other losses to cope with. As well as losing daily contact with immediate family and the major caregiver, he/ she has also lost other friends, routines and places. Pets and possessions which were part of the child’s world have suddenly — 29 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour gone. The intensity of grieving and period of adjustment varies, depending on the circumstances and child. It is important for carers to understand the grieving and adjustment process and also know as much as possible about past events and family life which may affect the child’s current behaviour. The child entering care faces several big emotional tasks: • Firstly, he/she needs to begin to adjust to a new living situation and accept that the separation from family has really happened. • Over time, he/she needs to express feelings about the loss, such as sadness, anger or fear. • Form new attachments, maintain those with his/her own family. • Learn to understand and accept (as far as possible) the different parts of his/her life. • Finally, get on with living. The upheavals may negatively affect the child’s development and behaviour may regress. Coping with contact visits with family is a big part of adjustment. The child moves from the foster family to his/her own family,and then back again. Regular, planned family contact usually helps the child to adjust better to the situation. However, children’s behaviour is often very changeable before and after visits. A child leaving care faces additional emotional tasks. The child needs to let go of the foster family, strengthen attachment with his/her own family and deal with feelings of loss about the carer’s family, even though he/she may be pleased to be going home. — 30 —

Special Issues For Carers Some children are more able than others to learn to trust and to express feelings, especially if there have been a number of moves. Carer’s can make the difference between a child learning to cope with loss or losing the ability to trust and express affection. A child in care, however, may never completely lose a sense of loss. You can help the child cope with grief and confusion about separation by: • Accepting the child’s feelings. • Explaining why the child is in care, in words that he/ she can understand. You may not be sure when a child will return home, but you need to explain the general plan. It is common for children to blame themselves for being in care, or for their family’s problems. They often feel very concerned and responsible for their parents’ wellbeing. Let the child know he/she is with you because of family problems which are not the child’s fault. You can help with statements such as the adults are looking at the problems and whilst it is good that the child cares about his/her family, it is up to the adults to work things out. Understanding The Child’s Behaviour “Why is Susie acting so naughty all of a sudden?” “John is nine and he can’t use a fork properly. Is that normal?” It is usually easier to understand a child’s behaviour when they have always been in your care, rather than when the child is from another family. You know most of the things that have happened in the child’s daily life,the child’s deepest attachments, likes, dislikes, pleasures, fears and familiar objects. Even so, as — 31 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour your child develops, you may struggle to understand certain behaviours. Most parents are on a continual “learning curve”! Foster families often do not know the full history of the child’s behaviour. Another complication is whether a child’s behaviour is simply what you would expect of a child of his/her age, or whether it is connected with being in care. Your understanding of why the child may be acting a certain way shapes how you respond. If you think a child is being plain naughty and testing out your limits, you will respond differently than if you think a child is misbehaving because he/she is distressed and panicky about leaving family. Assessment is a major (and often unacknowledged) parenting skill which is especially important for foster families. When you understand what may be causing behaviour, you are in a better position to respond in a way which helps the child. For example, a child who throws toys on the ground may be missing family, experimenting, bored, angry, wanting attention from you, or other things. Depending on what you assess to be the problem, you select a response. A cuddle? Diversion? Attention? Or do you ignore the incident? Your understanding of the child and situation will guide your response. When there is some explanation, even if slight, it makes it easier for carers to tolerate difficult behaviour and continue to build a relationship with the child. You see that the child is reacting to problems rather than deliberately aiming to hurt or annoy you. Sometimes the explanation needs to be pieced together, over time. The Case Worker or psychologist may also be trying to find out more about the child’s behaviour. — 32 —

Special Issues For Carers You can work together to find some answers. Information which you provide about daily behaviour may be very useful in understanding the child’s feelings about his/her life and family and deciding how to help the child to cope. It is misleading to generalise about children or assume that you always know what an individual child is feeling and expressing. Adults can be wrong. Your understanding will increase as you know the child better and by being alert to all the possibilities. Try to imagine what the world is like for the child. Suspend your own views for the moment helping young children with their behaviour and put yourself in the child’s shoes. “To understand a man, walk a mile in his moccasins” goes an old American Indian saying. It does not mean that you condone all behaviour, simply that you accept what the child is feeling, whatever that may be. This approach will help you to identify and respond to the child’s needs. Cultural Issues It is government policy to place children with families of a similar cultural background, whenever possible.This is especially important if the placement is likely to become long-term. For example, if a placement must be found for an Aboriginal child, Aboriginal carers are sought as a first priority. As with all placements, planning aims to promote the best interests of the child and the child’s early return to his/her family, where this can be achieved. The child is encouraged wherever possible to have regular contact with relatives and build positive links with his/her community. — 33 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour However, where carers from a similar cultural background cannot be located, a family from a different cultural background to the carers need special understanding. When you understand something about the child’s past experience and expectations you will be able to help the child to feel more at home. You may also need to help the child to deal with the effects of racism in the wider community. Language, food preferences, daily routines/ways of doing things in the family, dress, values, beliefs, religious observances and styles of parenting are some dimensions which reflect cultural and ethnic background. Without some information and preparation, mistakes can easily occur. Lack of understanding can, over time, jeopardise a placement. An Aboriginal toddler from a tribal family who was temporarily fostered with a white foster family was most happy barefoot and playing outdoors. A carer who had a Muslim child placed with her did not at first realise why the child was upset when offered a big plate of bacon and eggs for breakfast. Another child who had only eaten Vietnamese style meals became withdrawn and refused to eat. A little boy who had always slept in bed with his family cried continually when given a room of his own. Carers fostering a pre-schooler whose second language was English often had trouble understanding what she wanted. Carers need as much information as possible about the child’s cultural background and may need to be linked in with organisations which can provide some advice and ongoing support. Your Case Worker can help to make the link with community organisations for immediate and ongoing help. — 34 —

Special Issues For Carers Yorganop Asssociation provides a service which gives effect to the Aboriginal child placement principle. Yorganop helps to recruit, assess and support Aboriginal caregivers and is involved by the Department in locating placements for Aboriginal children. Yorganop provides a range of welfare services to Aboriginal people including a tracing/link-up service to help Aboriginal people to locate lost relatives. Past Family Life The child’s family experiences strongly affect his/her expectations about family life and behaviour in your home. Children are only placed in care when there is no other option, or when living at home places them at significant risk of abuse or neglect. Children in care have not always experienced abuse or neglect, for example, they may be in care because of a parent’s illness or other family crisis, leaving no member of the family currently able to care for them. However, a child may have experienced physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and/or neglect. You can expect that a child who has been physically or sexually abused has also suffered emotional abuse. Abusive or neglectful parenting may alternate with experiences of love and affection, which leads to much confusion for the child. When you know a child’s family life has been damaging, you may well feel critical of the adults involved. Even when a child has experienced extreme abuse or neglect, it is important not to criticise the family. — 35 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Here are some reasons: • Exercising compassion and detachment as far as possible will help, especially when you are having regular contact with the family. It will make your role in working towards the child’s return home easier to believe in and carry out. Abuse or neglect can never be excused or condoned, but it is possible to understand some of the reasons for less than adequate parenting. Situations are rarely completely “right or wrong”. • Families whose children enter care often lack family or community supports.They may have difficulty reaching out for help and often have considerable financial problems. Parents may have struggled much harder than we appreciate to overcome problems. In the face of hardship or crisis, a parent may not have the reserves to cope. • No family is perfect. We tend to draw on what we learned about parenting as children, in dealing with the pressures of everyday life. Many parents who mistreat their children experienced abuse or neglect as children. It can be very difficult to move beyond the “way to be” learned in childhood, at some level, what is familiar feels “right”. • There are degrees of inadequate parenting. Sometimes there is considerable scope for improvement, with the right help. • Parents whose children enter care often feel very inadequate and may think that they have failed totally as parents. Criticism simply confirms what they already believe and decreases the likelihood that they will feel motivated/able to make positive changes. — 36 —

Special Issues For Carers • A parent’s behaviour towards you as a carer may be hostile or rude. After all, you were selected as someone who is considered better at caring for their child! Try not to take it personally if a parent is less than friendly. • You could make things more difficult for the child by blaming the family. Because they are his/her family, any criticism the child hears is likely to make the child feel worse about themselves. The child will be helped if you are tactful and keep criticism or negative feelings to yourself. You can always “let off steam” if you need to with your Case Worker or a representative from the Foster Care Association. Types of Abuse Whilst not all children entering foster care have been abused, many have experienced abuse or neglect in varying degrees. This can have a big effect on children’s behaviour and carers need to be aware of the different kinds of abuse/neglect. Physical abuse can range f rom inappropriate physical punishment through to severe life-threatening assaults. Sometimes a parent or step-parent is violent towards the child and the other parent does not protect the child.The child may have learned to conceal the abuse or be too young to tell anyone about it. It is very damaging for children to live with the reality and/or threat of physical abuse.Children growing up in chaotic or poorly functioning families may experience constant “commands” followed by physical punishment if an order is not immediately understood or obeyed. This is very frightening, especially when — 37 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour the child is unable to carry out the command, e.g. expecting a two year old to consistently use the potty. A child may also have been involved in or witnessed domestic violence. Children subjected to physical abuse may become timid and withdrawn or, on the other hand, aggressive, in an attempt to defend themselves. Sometimes a child who was physically abused will behave in such a way that you find yourself itching to deliver a smack. It’s important not to think that you are failing if this happens. Rather, realise that the child may (without conscious intention) provoke the kind of adult behaviour and attention with which she/he is most familiar. Breaking the cycle, by showing the child that adults can respond in a caring and firm way without using violence, gives the child other ways to deal with anger. Adults caring for children need to understand: • The touch experiences a child may have had, for example, if there has been physical or sexual abuse, and if so, the frequency, intensity and period of abuse. • What meaning/s touch may have for the child. • The child’s current need for touch. Emotional Abuse Many children in care have experienced rejection or abandonment by significant adults. At the same time, they may have received constant verbal put-downs and criticism. An environment of hostility, rejection and punishment amounts to emotional abuse and is extremely damaging.The child is likely to develop very low self-esteem. He/she will see himself/ herself as unlovable and — 38 —

Special Issues For Carers probably start acting in ways which “confirm” the belief. Issues of damaged self-worth and identity surface at different stages in the child’s development, making the growth of confidence and competencies far more difficult than for a child blessed with secure and nurturing attachments. A child who has learned that feelings will not be heard, that verbal abuse is inevitable or that he/she can never meet the expectations of parents/other adults is likely to develop many inappropriate behaviours. Children can be so badly damaged by emotional abuse that even physical growth is stunted. Self-image, behaviour and accomplishments in adults, are usually profoundly affected by early learning. Emotional abuse can be like a time-bomb, eventually expressed in self-destructive or anti- social behaviour. For all these reasons it is essential to break the cycle of emotional abuse and introduce positive options into the child’s life. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse is a topic that evokes strong feelings. Many people feel angry, disgusted or fearful at the thought of a child being sexually abused. They may wish that the problem would “just go away” or hope that it is happening less often than reports indicate. However, the sexual abuse of children is being detected at an increasing rate. Knowing some of the facts will help you to cope with your feelings about sexual abuse and to care for a child who has been sexually abused. Children may be sexually abused by an older person of the opposite sex or of the same sex. The majority of reports involve male offenders, but there are a small number of reports of females sexually abusing children. Many reported cases of — 39 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour sexual abuse occur within the family, and offenders are often someone known to the child. Children can be abused by parents and relatives, friends and other adults in positions of trust, even carers. A child is often very reluctant to disclose abuse - he/ she has a lot to lose. Shame, blame, threats of punishment, being sent away, loss of affection, or possible family breakup, are powerful reasons to keep the secret. A non-abusing parent may know nothing of the abuse. Some do, but either do not believe the child, or act to protect the abuser. The research generally indicates that adults who actively pursue sexual attraction to children are unlikely to admit to their actions, acknowledge that the behaviour is wrong, or cease the abuse. It is up to other adults to step in to stop the abuse, assist the child and family and influence offenders to undergo treatment. As sexual abuse is often difficult to detect, it is important that specialists make the assessments.For example,unusual behaviour by a child at school could indicate sexual abuse but could also indicate a range of other problems. Sometimes a child who has told no-one about abuse decides to disclose, or hint about the abuse, to a carer. Perhaps the child’s behaviour causes the carer to wonder whether sexual abuse has occurred. Sexually transmitted disease, or pregnancy, in younger children are clear indicators of abuse. Carers need to quickly advise the child’s Case Worker of any concerns so that specialist assessment and help can be provided. A number of agencies including major hospitals,the Department of Communities and the police, work with victims of child sexual abuse and their families and there are services available — 40 —

Special Issues For Carers for offenders. It is essential that services are co ordinated so that the child is not further traumatised, e.g. by repeated interviews. When A Child Discloses Abuse • If a child talks to you about sexual or other abuse it is important to respond calmly. Listen carefully to the child and praise the child for telling. Assure the child that he/she has done nothing wrong. • Do not ask leading questions or prompt the child. It is very important not to influence what the child says e.g. not “did Daddy hurt your bottom?” If leading questions have been asked, the child’s evidence may later be discredited, e.g. for court purposes. • Children may need to talk about what they are afraid of before they can talk about abuse. Be very sensitive to fears the child may have about telling, or what may happen next. • Do not make any promises you cannot keep, such as that you will keep it a secret. • As soon as possible after talking with the child, write down your conversation and the exact words she/he used to describe what happened. Use the child’s terms, not your own. Contact the Case Worker with the information so that an assessment can take place. It is the role of a specialist worker who may be a social worker, psychologist or police officer to organize and conduct a full assessment interview with the child. — 41 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Helping The Sexually Abused Child Foster families must think carefully about how they show affection when working with a child who has been sexually abused. Some children who have been sexually abused have been physically forced to engage in sexual acts or threatened to prevent them telling, (you’ll be sent away, your mother will be very angry, and so on.) Others have been gradually drawn into secret sexual activities in a gentle way, by a familiar adult. They may have received approval, gifts and special attention for complying and not telling. The predator may be someone she/ he loves. This is most confusing and leaves the child with mixed feelings about the person and the abuse.The differences between sexual and affectionate touching are blurred for the child. Children’s past experiences will influence their reactions in your home. Some children shrink back and are obviously anxious and tense when touched. Others begin to act “sexual” if they think this is expected of them. The child needs to learn that responsible adults behave in safe ways and will not allow them to be used sexually. He/she also often needs to learn that they and others have physical “boundaries” which will be respected. Before the placement, carers and the Case Worker should discuss the issues and prepare a strategy to help the child. This can be reviewed throughout the placement. For example: • The child may show a strong preference for a female, or male carer. — 42 —

Special Issues For Carers • The child may act in a bossy way if she/he was placed in the role of a parent in his/her own family. • Sometimes, a child tries to “play off ” one carer against another. • A male carer may find it difficult to know how to act around a child who has been sexually abused. Should he avoid any physical contact? How will gestures of affection be seen by the child. These issues need to be discussed between the couple and the Case Worker and psychologist before the child arrives.The preparation will help carers plan how to act individually and couples work better as a team. For example, a child may prefer a man’s company and invite a high level of touching. The partners need to talk about how each of them will respond and present a united front to the child. • Foster families also need to assess the effects of a placement on their family before agreeing to foster a child who has been sexually abused. For example, what should a carer’s child do if a child tells him/her about sexual abuse, or acts in a sexual way? • On a rare occasion, a child may falsely allege abuse by a carer. Preparation will help to avoid circumstances which could be seen as compromising, such as a child remaining alone with one carer on a regular basis. Discussing concerns frankly with the Case Worker will help to prevent difficulties. Many sexually abused children come from families where there is an imbalance of power. You may find the child battling for power with you over small issues. It may be important to plan and work towards different ways of interacting with a child. Aim — 43 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour to avoid conflict in minor matters but gradually bring about change on important issues. You may like to work out a list of priorities with the Case Worker or the psychologist. Sexually abused children are usually placed with carers with extra skills and experience. It is a good idea to attend a training programme before fostering a child who has been sexually abused. Age And Stage Knowledge about what children are capable of at different stages of development will help you to be realistic about the child’s attainments, e.g. in terms of tidiness, toilet training, co- ordination or abstract thought. Some behaviour which concerns you could be due to the child’s stage of development, rather than indicating a problem. Many kinds of behaviour are to be expected at some stage of development, so describing behaviour as “good” or “bad” or “normal” is not really useful. Physical, cognitive, emotional, sexual, social and moral aspects of development need to be borne in mind. Information about child development can usually be easily obtained. For example, it’s helpful to have some idea of when and how children are likely to enjoy touching and exploring their bodies i.e. what is natural childhood sexual behaviour. Inappropriate adult-like sexualised behaviour in a child, which could indicate sexual abuse, can then be more easily identified. — 44 —

Special Issues For Carers Developmental Cycles Children typically move through developmental cycles at each stage of growth. They need to master different “tasks” at each stage of development. Periods of erratic behaviour may occur when the child’s physical and mental powers are developing at a fast rate. For example, a two-year old’s behaviour may seem to worsen as the child challenges what you want him/her to do. Four-year-olds are often expansive and “out-of-bounds’’ in their behaviour. The “good” five-year-old may become an explosive six-year-old. A docile ten-year-old may act stubbornly at eleven. Teenagers are renowned for changing moods and the propensity to take any adult comment as criticism! Dr T.B. Brazelton has described a map of infancy and early child development based on a series of “touch points”. He says touch points are periods in a child’s life which may set off the alarm bells in parents but actually precede a spurt in development. They can be when tantrums start, or the child takes up lying or stealing, crying unpredictably, waking or wetting the bed, or being clingy; the parent may think “what’s wrong?” when, in reality, the child is regressing to gather steam for a big developmental spurt. The mastery of developmental tasks may be delayed when a child is coping with a series of family crises, abuse, neglect or changes in living circumstances. The child is at a disadvantage, compared with a child from a stable environment. When negative events continue unchecked, or the child’s needs are continually unmet, the child’s development will be affected,from a mild to a profound degree, depending on the circumstances and the child. Speech, physical prowess,social skills,and later,accomplishment at school, — 45 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour can all suffer. Carers play an important role in appreciating what a child is coping with and acknowledging and praising all the child’s achievements, at whatever level they may be. If you are concerned about any aspect of a child’s behaviour, first consider whether it is what you might expect, given the child’s age, stage and situation. You can also talk with the Case Worker to try to work out the reasons for the behaviour. Children Who Act Older/ Younger Than Their Age Sometimes children act much older than their ages. They may have taken on too much responsibility in their own families and be “over-functioning” in an adult kind of role. Maybe a child is trying to prevent a family from falling apart, when the adults aren’t able to carry out their proper roles. The child may feel totally responsible for a brother, sister or mother or perhaps he/she has not had enough opportunity just to play and be a child. Children who act older than their years can be difficult company. They may argue and be bossy, wanting to make every decision. Perhaps he/she tells you what to do. You need to be patient, and remember that despite the child’s behaviour, he/she is feeling anxious and wants a sense of control in the situation. Over time, you can gently help the child to let go of too much responsibility. The child will not give up this behaviour readily as it is familiar.Try to create situations for more fun, relaxation and play. Don’t expect a child to learn too fast, and don’t be perturbed if she/he goes a little overboard whilst — 46 —

Special Issues For Carers learning. The process can’t be hurried. Hopefully, the child will be able to experience aspects of a stage of development which he/she has missed out on. Sometimes children feel as if they are the cause of all adult anger. If you are angry about something else, e.g. a problem at work, you could make this clear to the child, so that he/she does not assume that it is because of something he/she has done. A child may act younger than his/her age, for example, talk in a babyish way, not want to leave the carer’s side, tantrum at a “no”, and so on. The child’s needs as a younger person may not have been met, and he/she is under stress. Try to see it in a positive light. It is good that the child is relaxed enough to be able to be a “baby” around you! Here is an opportunity to see the little person who needs that extra attention and babying and respond accordingly. This does not mean condoning unacceptable behaviour, but treating the child like a much younger child, which, in a real sense, he/she is at the time. Individual Differences Like adults, each child has a unique personality style and temperament, which is usually apparent from a very early age. This is a different issue from age and stage of development, or environmental influences. Energy levels and self-pacing can vary greatly, one child tends to be slow and methodical, another is a ball of activity. Some children need a lot of sleep, others don’t. Some love most of their food, others typically pick or eat very slowly. Some are highly — 47 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour imaginative, others less so. Some older children find it much easier to be tidy, others strew possessions without noticing. It is important not to try to make a child over to your own style of personality or way of doing things. One common mistake of adults, especially those in a parenting role, is to think that the child or other person should be “more like me” i.e. do things “the right way”! Try to stand back and see how the child/ other person is different from you, without judging it. Think about yourself. Are you a fast-moving or slow-moving person, or “in between?” What are your likes, dislikes and preferences? By considering these issues you can give yourself a fresh perspective. By appreciating individual differences, you can take a lot of pressure off yourself to change a child (or other adult). You may also become more accepting of aspects of your own ways of doing things. What’s Happening Now Daily matters which affect a child can sometimes be overlooked. For example: • He/she is about to visit parents or has just returned from a visit. • He/she wants to send something to Mum but doesn’t know her address. • The child was in an argument at school. • He/she doesn’t know how to button a shirt. • The child forgot lunch money. — 48 —

Special Issues For Carers Remember to include daily life and its pressures when you are working out the reasons for a child’s behaviour. You can’t change the past, but you can help with today’s concerns. For example, you can help to identify exactly what he/she is worried about, and then work out what information, support or other help the child needs. Your Family And You The way your family does things influences a child’s behaviour, especially if he/she lives with you for an extended time. Even when you are the only other person in the household, what you learned about family life as a child will shape how you run your household. Whilst no two families are exactly the same, important issues for all families are: • How they talk together. • Household rules and routines. • How decisions are made. • How they argue or deal with differences. • Who is “boss”? • What behaviour is thought okay or not okay in children and adults. • Parents’ attitudes and values. You influence the child by how you deal with the above issues. Whilst we all have our times of family strife, aiming for consistency, understanding and respect between family members are important principles. — 49 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour The way YOU choose to express yourself will also be of significance to the child. Your own behaviour is strongly affected by your “self-talk” (what you tell yourself about events and people, including yourself ) and your values. Understanding your own self-talk and values will: • Help to improve your behaviour management skills. • Increase your satisfaction in working with the child. Medical Problems A medical condition is likely to affect a child’s behaviour, for example: • Illness. • Problems the child was born with or which develop e.g. sight or hearing problems, allergies and so on where the child needs specialist care. • Significant developmental delay. In cases where a medical problem has not previously been identified, the carer’s observations are valuable in helping diagnose the problem. Behavioural change which is due to a medical problem/ condition calls for medical treatment. Behaviour which is related to the child’s family problems and/or coping with a new living situation requires a broader approach. Regular medical check-ups are required for children in care.The Case Worker will help you have the child thoroughly checked. Where treatment does not assist with a medical problem,the child — 50 —