Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour

Special Issues For Carers may need special help to live with the disability. Encouragement and support from carers are especially important to such a child. The carers’ reports on the child’s progress will assist in planning the continuing treatment. — 51 —



The Placement — 53 —



The Placement Introduction In this section we consider some of the things carers can do to help a child cope with the placement. It’s helpful to remember that a lot of behaviour relates to the process of adjustment. Usually, the child in care has the most to adjust to in the new family situation. The foster family doesn’t have quite the same pressure to adjust to the child’s situation, although adjustment is required in other ways, for example, the children of carers may need to make big adjustments. When you help children in care to adjust, you are also helping them with behaviour. A lot of puzzling or unexpected behaviour is likely to settle. As carers you can: • Help the child to settle in and cope with on-going grieving, which can resurface with access visits and at special times e.g. birthdays. • Encourage the child to build a trusting relationship with you and your family. • Provide experiences to help the child’s development. • Acknowledge the child’s own family and feelings for them. • Help the child when it’s time to leave. The child needs to: • Form new attachments and keep former ones with her/ his family. • Live with feelings of loss. • Understand and accept the different parts of his/her life. — 55 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • Continue the developmental process which may have been slowed or disrupted by traumatic events. The Child’s Contribution To Your Family Foster care is not a one-way process. Foster families sometimes say that they received a lot more from children then they gave to them. It is helpful to acknowledge the child’s contribution to your family situation. Some ways that carers say that fostering has enriched their families are: • Satisfaction in seeing a child progress and in helping the child. • Getting to know the individual child. • Having their own children share their things. • Love and affection. • Different ways of doing things. • Learning about different families. Before The Child Arrives Find out all you can about the child’s background, routines and what is important in his/her life. You could ask the Case Worker about: • Important people in the child’s life. • Likes or dislikes in food and routines e.g. bedtime routine. • Pet names or words e.g. for parts of the body and body functions. — 56 —

The Placement • Special toys or possessions. • Nicknames. • Practical matters, can the child dress, feed, toilet him/ herself etc. • Medical needs. • Anything else which may be important to the child. You will then be more likely to anticipate the child’s needs. What else should I know? You will need to know why the child is in care. It’s essential to know of details which affect how you care for the child, e.g. if he/she may fear abuse, or family events which may be worrying the child. You will be able to work more skillfully with the child if you know what he/she has experienced. The Case Worker can give you confidential details. If you think you need more information, ask for it. You need all the background you can get in order to better understand, help and live with the child. Your knowledge will assist you to provide positive experiences in your home which will especially benefit him/her, e.g. if you know that the child has been punished for expressing feelings, you can let him/her know in a variety of ways that in your home, it is safe to do so. If you know that the child has come from an environment typified by unpredictable violence, you could concentrate on providing a calm atmosphere, routine, and opportunities for relaxed play. — 57 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Confidentiality People are often curious about the reasons a child has come into care. Any details shared with you about the child’s background are, of course, confidential. The child’s right to confidentiality must be respected, and details about a child’s personal life should not be shared with anyone who does not need to know. You need to plan: • How to prepare your family to answer questions about the child. • How much information you divulge about the child. In some instances, others e.g. a teacher, need more information in order to understand and help the child. Discuss this first with the Case Worker. General information, such as how the child may react in class because he/ she is worried about family or about having an access visit, may be all that a teacher needs. You may not need to share, for example, that the child’s mother is being treated for an addiction. What Does The Child Tell Other People The child, especially if at school, needs an easy way of explaining who he/ she is to people outside your home. He/she needs an explanation which is not embarrassing and does not identify the child as “different from the rest”. Children in care are different from a lot of other children in that they have two families and do not live with their own family. You can help prepare the child — 58 —

The Placement to answer questions from other children or adults. For example, he/she may like to tell other children if they ask, that you are care parents. If people ask a child why he/she is not with parents the child could simply say, if he/she wants to, that they can’t look after him/her for a while, or mention that a parent is sick or is away. Children need to know that they have the right not to explain. They can say “it’s private”. Teachers need to be informed when a child enters care (usually by the Case Worker) so they can avoid any unnecessary embarrassment to the child in class. Sometimes a child will divulge information about his/her life to a neighbour, or other children, for shock value, or talk about family problems in “news time” in class. Responding in a low- key way and then moving the conversation on to other things is often the best approach. Meeting The Child And Family Before The Placement The Case Worker may arrange for you to meet the child and/or the family before the placement. It is preferable for the child to have met you a number of times and visited you at home before coming to stay. This is not always possible, but you can discuss it with the Case Worker. When possible, meeting parents can be a valuable basis for your working relationship, especially if the plan involves carers in modeling more positive relationships and child management skills for the parent/s. — 59 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour The child may feel better knowing that the two sets of adults know each other, and it sometimes helps the child’s parents to meet the family with whom their child will live. Goals For The Placement Setting realistic personal and family goals for the placement will increase your sense of purpose and accomplishment.Think about what each member of your family has to offer (even pets). For example, you may want to raise the child’s sense of self-worth. Think of ways that all of the family can take part, e.g. praise the child for positive behaviour, notice and mention positive attributes about the child, encourage the child to have fun and do things he/she enjoys doing, avoid criticising the child. Your efforts may gradually assist dramatic changes. To quote one carer, “When Julie first came to us, she looked very sad and hardly ever smiled. We couldn’t get her to join in and relax ... after nine months, she’s become more confident, she shows us her work from school, and likes to be tucked in at night with a bed-time story.” Even when progress is not noticeable, a positive plan will benefit the child. What has this child missed out on and what does he/ she especially need from your family? For example: • Increased self-acceptance. • Adults who understand the child’s fears and need for security, consistency and routine. • Help to settle in and help to return home. • To know he/she is valued even if he/she behaves badly. • Good experiences with a family. — 60 —

The Placement • Fun with other children. • Stimulating activities. • Practical skills e.g. how to tie shoelaces or eat with a knife and fork. • Non-judgmental attitude to the child’s family and family values. Write down your goals. You can review them during the placement and when it ends, assess for yourself how it all went and what progress was made. It can help to think about the conscious and less obvious expectations you may have of the placement. For example, do you expect the child to respond quickly to affection, be a playmate for your child, be grateful? Being aware of what you hope for will help you to separate your own hopes for the placement from the child’s needs. Another useful approach is to list or discuss all your hopes for the placement, and then, all your fears about things that could possibly go wrong or not work out. By “getting everything out on the table” you’ll be more able to see what is realistic, what isn’t and what you can do to promote good outcomes and minimise problems. You might choose to discuss these with the Case Worker (along with the Case Worker’s hopes/fears) and work on them together. Remember that a child may not feel able to avail himself/herself of all the affection and stability that your home offers. Feelings of abandonment, fear and anger can be very painful for the child to deal with. A child may reject your overtures or try to break up the placement. At some level the child may believe this will — 61 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour prove he/she is “bad” or at fault for being in care, rather than blame parents. Although a child may settle into your home, you cannot assume that it will always happen. The child may also need to keep his/her affections for family, fearing losing touch with them permanently. One carer recalled a boy who did not want anyone to touch him for the six months he was in care. On the other hand, some children become very settled and attached to the foster family, over time, and do not wish to leave. Whatever the outcome, don’t feel that you have failed if a child does not grow to love you, even after a while. Settling In When the child arrives, your smile and friendly manner say that he/she is welcome. Don’t overwhelm a child with affection, remember he/she has not known you for very long and is probably feeling very anxious about being in a new place and about how he/she will get on with you. Some children are obviously affected, others less so. Whatever the outward signs, you can assume that the child is probably coping with a high level of anxiety. Show the child where he/she will sleep and where to put clothes and other possessions. You can help the child set up the sleeping and play area. Familiar objects and toys can be very comforting and should be treated with respect. Try to present some choices, e.g. Would he like his teddy on the pillow or the bed? Does she want her case under the bed or in the cupboard? Maybe the child would like to arrange toys or photos now, or later, in — 62 —

The Placement a special place. Then, show and explain the important areas in your home, kitchen, toilet and so on. Remember, it may take the child several days to become familiar with your home. It may be too much to absorb and he/she may need to be reminded several times where things are. Household Rules A child entering your care will not know your household rules. Talk about your routines and rules, at the child’s level of understanding. It is often frightening for a child to have to learn new rules and where everything is. The child’s home may function very differently and he/she will not know what you want unless you explain. You will need to be patient and demonstrate some things repeatedly. Your expectations should be realistic. Don’t set up the child (or yourself ) to fail by expecting too much. When a child has settled in, make him/her as much a part of family routines as possible. Include the child in sharing small household jobs, if old enough, and praise the child for attempting to carry them out. This could help him/ her feel more part of your household. The Process Of Adjustment When an adult loses a loved person, familiar surroundings and routines often provide comfort. The loss is intensified for a child in care who may also long for places, comfort areas, toys, foods, pets, clothes and special objects to which he/she is attached. At the same time as the child is grieving over the loss of contact — 63 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour with family and a familiar world, he/she is having to form new relationships. Depending on whether the placement is short or longer term, the child will gradually spend less time worrying about his/her own family and begin to settle in with your family. The child will feel the pull of “two worlds” and you need to be sensitive to family loyalties. Some children in care never fully settle into a placement. Each child moves through this period at his/ her own pace and cannot be hurried along. The process may take months, or years. Where the plan is for the child to return home, this should be acknowledged and planned for from the start of the placement. Early on, you can generally expect a “honeymoon period” in terms of behaviour, when the child seems to have adjusted quickly to coming into care. This is usually followed by a time of “testing out” behaviours which express some of the child’s distress at leaving home. The child may even blame the carers for having been placed in care. Carers can expect that a child’s behaviour will deteriorate, so try not to be disappointed when this happens. This can be a very difficult and trying time which can test carers to the limit. The behaviour should gradually settle and improve, once the child has been able to work through some feelings. Seeing all the upheaval experienced by the child, you may wonder how the problems can possibly be overcome. Whilst some situations may be very disheartening, it is important to focus on your role in providing stability and support for the child. A break from family may protect a child from abuse/ neglect, at a time when stresses are preventing the family from — 64 —

The Placement functioning adequately. The child is supported while adults have some time and assistance to “re-group”, work on their problems and develop some new skills and ways of coping, so that the child can return home. Helping The Child To Adjust Accepting the child as he/she is will help a child to adjust. “Unconditional positive regard” is when you treat the child as unique and valuable, regardless of performance or behaviour. Your goal is not to “fix everything up” but to provide support at a time when the child is coping with many stresses and strains. You do not condone unacceptable behaviour but you convey that he/she is valued and important. Rather than judge, seek to understand the meanings behind behaviour. A twelve-year-old who sucks his/her thumb may seek reassurance. The child who bolts food or hoards it under the bed may fear there is not enough food/affection to go round. The child who acts rudely may be testing out whether you will reject him/her, succeeding in this will confirm a deeply held belief that he/she is not worth caring about. How you respond, the expressions the child sees on your face, your tone of voice and what you say demonstrate that he/she is accepted and wanted. Patience and interest show that you think he/she is worth caring about. Positive regard can build confidence, no matter what else is happening in the child’s life. The best help you can give is to accept the child’s feelings and really listen. In some cases, the experience of really being listened to is new for a child. — 65 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Provide comfort and reassurance when the child’s behaviour indicates distress. To do this you will need to “hang in” with behaviour and try not to over react or take it personally if the child is difficult to manage. Use understanding as the basis of how you choose to respond. You can explain that you do not like the behaviour, even though you still like the child. A child should not be pushed to talk about feelings when he/ she does not wish to do so. Sometimes a child will be unable to let out deep feelings, even though he/she has got to know you well. It could be that the best that can happen is for the child to feel accepted in your home, which is an achievement. Children in care often have great trouble understanding and accepting the different parts of their lives. This is especially so if the adults around them have difficulty in acknowledging or accepting the child’s experiences and attachments. Carers are in a unique position to be accepting, which invites the child to come to terms with his/ her own experiences. A child who wants to talk about family should be encouraged to do so. If the child becomes upset, acknowledging the feelings will help him/ her to deal with some of them over time. As a child gets to know you, trust may develop. Encourage children who are able to do so, such as older children, to talk about their thoughts, fears and hopes about returning home. This requires a very gentle and tactful approach. It is best done between you and the child and only if the child wants to talk. You can encourage the child if you sense he/she is wanting to let out some feelings such as feeling rejected or angry (at both families) or to cry for all the people and things he/she misses and longs for. — 66 —

The Placement If a child cries, don’t tell him/her to cheer up. Children have a right to their feelings. You can comfort the child, and your acceptance of the child’s emotional pain will help the child to accept himself/herself better and eventually feel better. As talking about family can bring up extremely strong feelings for a child, this needs to be handled with care, at the child’s pace, and the child’s Case Worker or psychologist is often involved. Feelings Are Ok The child can be helped to understand that all feelings are ok, not just “good” feelings. Even the “bad” feelings can be safely expressed, without hurting other people or things. Feelings are different from behaviour: feelings may lead to a behaviour, for example, a child who feels angry or distressed may begin to act aggressively. Some adults worry that if a child talks about his anger, this may make him/her more aggressive. In fact, it is more likely that a child who is encouraged to put words to his/her angry feelings or express them safely (eg stamp, hit a bed with a newspaper, shout where appropriate) will have less need to act aggressively. If a child feels angry or jealous or sad, the adult should not try to persuade or jolly him out of it. So instead of saying “Oh you mustn’t feel like that” or “Don’t feel sad” you could say “I can see you really feel sad” or “Is it hard to feel so angry?”. Encourage the child to express feelings in safe ways. A child may express anger by drawing and then scrubbing it out, or building and then squashing a clay figure. Treat such self-expression as very positive in terms of helping a child to come to terms with what has happened to him/her. Feelings may be expressed in — 67 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour play, including enactment and drawings or work with playdough or clay, rather than words. One five-year-old girl who had been sexually abused developed a game in the sand where she would kick and “kill” the offender, her mother’s boyfriend. Her foster carers allowed and encouraged her to express her feelings in this safe way, which also assisted her to begin to deal with some of her anger and fear about what had happened. Feelings about separation from the child’s family may be released in vigorous play. The child may need physical space to run, “let off steam”, or yell. He/she sometimes feels confused and angry and may want to hit out. It is okay to let out these feelings in ways that don’t hurt other people. For example, the child could shout in the garden, hit the ground or hit a bed with a pillow. The Value Of Play By encouraging imaginative play, you may help the child cope better with feelings about separation and loss. Imaginative play is a natural way for young children to express themselves and enact feelings. It develops as a powerful preoccupation for many older toddlers and pre-school children. Games with cubbies, dressing up, and play with puppets, sticks or sand help children to explore and learn about themselves and the outside world. The pre-school child’s world has been described as “magical”. A doll or teddy can become a trusted friend and confidante. The child may tell a special toy things he/she cannot share with you and the toy is a significant character in the child’s world, as much or more so than many of the real people. — 68 —

The Placement Adults who want to communicate with young children must value imaginative play. The child cannot enter our world, but we can reach out to the child’s world of imagination and symbolic play. Encourage and aim to understand his/her play and its possible meanings. Take time to become involved, at the child’s pace. This will probably help you to bridge a relationship with a child more than any amount of conversation from an adult point of view. At the same time, you are helping the child to express feelings which could otherwise remain locked within. Why am I in care? The child is likely to settle into your home more easily if he/she understands enough about why he/she is living with you and the plans for the future. Uncertainty and lack of information disempower a child and undermine security and self-esteem. Children sometimes have a very inaccurate understanding of the reasons they are in care. Adults may not realise how the child sees events, and confusion builds upon confusion. Find out what the child knows. You can ask the Case Worker, in the first instance. The Case Worker is responsible for helping the child to understand the reasons for a placement and what is planned for the child. You can work as a team to help the child. Your explanation builds on what the Case Worker has already told the child. Notice what a child says and asks, and once you know what the child understands, you can help to clarify any worrying gaps or misconceptions. Children often assume they are the cause of the problem. They need to hear that they are not to blame. Even when the future is uncertain, e.g. you do not know when (or even if ) the child can — 69 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour return home, you can put it in a simple way. For example, “You will be staying with us until Mummy and Daddy can look after you. I’m not sure when that will be but we really like having you live here with us.” Discuss with the Case Worker what you will say. Use simple words which do not blame or criticise the parents. The amount of detail and level of language will depend on the age and capacity of the child. Some children, of course, are too young for explanations. The Child’s Life Story You can help the child, over time, to build the story of his/her life. This is organised with the Case Worker as part of the case plan for the child. Sharing photographs, pictures or drawings with you will remind the child of who he/she is, how he/she is important, and the significant people in his/her life. What seemed a confused jumble of feelings or happenings can gradually resolve into a more meaningful pattern of people and events. Helping to untangle the confusion for the child is an important part of the healing process. “A Life Story Book”, with photographs and details about the child’s life, is very valuable. If the child does not have one, help to get it together. Treasured items from home can be kept in a special place or in a “treasure box”. The Foster Care Association of W.A. or the Case Worker should be able to provide more information about “Life Story Books”. For children who like to draw, pictures may be a special way of expressing what is important. The child may like to draw family, home, pets, school, and so on. — 70 —

The Placement Allow the child time and space to process feelings and thoughts. If a child wants to change the subject or move to another activity, that’s fine. Sometimes he/she needs to “switch off ” in order to cope. It is part of the Case Worker’s role to liaise closely with you about the process. You also need to keep the Case Worker informed about the child’s reactions about discussing his/her family and what you think the child may be feeling in this regard throughout the placement. It may also be useful to you to keep some personal notes for yourself and to share with the Case Worker about the child’s progress and the issues you see as important. Children Sometimes Need To Forget Children in care sometimes seem to forget big parts of their past life. Forgetting can help a child to cope in the short term with events which are too painful to recall in detail. A child who has learned that it is not safe to remember, may generally be a very forgetful child. One way to see it is that the child has lived in two worlds. Ideally, in the long run, he/she needs to be able to come to terms with both. Forgetting which continues for too long or is too extreme, will negatively affect the child’s day to day functioning. Accept when he/she is forgetful about some things but talk with the Case Worker if you are concerned about the child’s memory or think the child needs special help to express feelings. — 71 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Language Some children have learned language that is inappropriate for a child, or an adult for that matter! Try not to react with shock. You can teach by example and by explaining more acceptable ways of talking. Don’t lecture if the child uses the wrong words. Explain why you want him/her to stop, e.g. you don’t like it, the words are insulting, other adults may not want the child to play with their children. Tell the child how to express the same thought, feeling or request in more acceptable language. You may need to do this many times. Make sure to praise the child’s efforts. Give the child the opportunity to learn your way of talking and what is acceptable in your home. However, you need to be aware that the child may have learned different values from your family about language and in other areas which need to be accommodated. — 72 —

The Importance of Attachment — 73 —



The Importance of Attachment This section suggests some ways that carers can encourage attachment in children. Carers may feel unsure about how far to encourage a child to become attached to them, knowing he/she may be reunified with their family. They fear it might not be in a child’s interests, or their own, to form a deep attachment. However, research has shown that children who learn to trust and form attachments increase their ability to do so in the future. The capacity for attachment is essential for healthy human development. The child will benefit from all the caring and affection you provide and leave your care helped by the positive experiences, especially when he/she learns that attachment to the foster family does not mean losing attachment to his/her own family. How Children Form Attachments Vera Fahlberg has described two main processes which take place as a child becomes attached to caregivers. One cycle is started by the child and the other is initiated by the caregiver. Making sure that both processes are happening promotes the child’s wellbeing and development. The first process is called the “Arousal-Relaxation Cycle”. A baby or young child lets the caregiver know that he/she needs a cuddle, food, a change of nappy etc. The carer responds to satisfy the need. The response brings the child from an aroused, excited state to a relaxed and satisfied state. Through repeated experiences children learn to expect satisfaction, trust and believe that the world is a good place to be. — 75 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour The second process is called the “Positive Interaction Cycle”. This is when the adult does not wait for a baby or young child to express a need, but gets in first, giving the child attention, cuddles, play and so forth.This positive attention helps the child to feel cared for and good about himself/herself. Making a point of doing this consistently, helps to move the relationship into a positive direction and the adult is less likely to respond most often to negative behaviour. Simple everyday activities, like feeding, talking, touching and comforting, support attachment. Children whose needs are sufficiently met in this way usually develop a sense of “inner rightness” about themselves and their worth in the world. They are more likely to learn to express their needs in acceptable ways and to consider the needs of others. Their behaviour is more likely to be positive and easy to handle. All kinds of problems arise when attachment does not develop properly. For example, a new parent may feel nervous of a tiny baby and leave the baby in a cot, responding only when he/ she cries, rather than picking the child up confidently to enjoy some happy exchanges. If this continues, the child’s behaviour will eventually be affected. Sometimes parents meet a child’s physical needs but don’t know how to provide enough positive attention or stimulation. The child may then develop a range of attention seeking behaviours, some of which can be challenging. Attachment in children who have been abused and/or neglected may be profoundly affected. For example, the child may become strongly attached,but attachment will be associated with negative experiences or emotional damage. Behavioural problems can intensify when attachment is weakened or disrupted by leaving — 76 —

The Importance of Attachment home followed by a series of moves whilst in care. We hope to assist carers to reduce the many negative long-term effects of disrupted family life on children. Holding And Touching It is important to touch children in a way which feels right for the individual child. The ideal “good touching” experience in early life is being contained and protected and given affection in a parent’s arms. Touch continues as an important need throughout life. Good touch is soothing and comforting; bad touching is unwelcome, uncomfortable or even frightening and painful. Many abused or neglected children have had few experiences of good touching, while some have experienced violence. Consequently, some shrink from being touched, while others feel as if they “can’t get enough”. We recommend the following approaches, depending on the child. Children Who Like To Be Held For children who like to be held, cuddles and “being nursed” are most beneficial. Extra cuddles promote attachment and create a feeling of security for the child. Even a young child in a very temporary short-term placement should be given plenty of touching or holding experiences, if this is what he/ she wants. Think of the kind of touch that felt good and right to you as a child. Maybe it was sitting on Mum’s knee, a loving hug, Mum or Dad gently helping you to get dressed, a pat on the shoulder together with praise, a protective restraining hand — 77 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour at the crossing, romping with your family. Touch that felt bad might include being smacked, or roughly handled, being hurt by another child, inappropriate touching. Children Who Are Wary Of Touch Never rush a child who appears to dislike being touched. A child may feel he/she does not know you well enough to let you touch him/her. Perhaps he/she is upset at being taken from Mum, and only wants affection from her. The child may have little or no experiences of positive touching or have been harshly handled. Children who have been hit hard or even battered sometimes cringe from touch, or even if an adult raises a hand. Show that you notice what the child likes and dislikes. You may be able to talk about it with the child. Children sometimes respond gradually to small amounts of touching, where they feel they are in control. Sometimes, games which use songs and touch in a fun way can be very successful. Children can be helped to feel secure in other ways, for example: • Being tucked into bed. • Cuddling into a soft doona or blanket. • Placing the bed in a snug corner, rather than in the middle of the room. • A comfortable, deep armchair, with cushions. • A cubby house or play-tent in the garden or house. • A soft, snuggly sweater. — 78 —

The Importance of Attachment Children often like to create their own little area, rather than have someone else do this for them. This is one way the child can make himself/herself feel more secure. Feeding Feeding a hungry child can be an enjoyable way to encourage attachment, so find out about the child’s favourite foods and dislikes.Because baby’s first food is milk,often from the mother’s breast, milk remains a significant food which children can get comfort from in times of stress. Warm milk or other substitute milk drinks can become a happy bedtime ritual. A very young child’s needs can often be described simply, the child is hungry, wet, in pain, frustrated, or wanting company. An older child’s emotional and social needs are increasingly complex however, food, comfort and company remain basic elements of attachment. An older child who has settled into your home may like to prepare simple favourite foods to share with your family or a friend. Children who have been deprived sometimes hoard or hide food in their room. It may help to offer the child a special bowl of food to keep by the bed. They may tend to “bolt” meals and want excessive amounts or, on the other hand, eat very little. The behaviour may be a way of self-comforting or indicate a real fear of not getting another meal. Eating should be a pleasant experience. Tension will affect both of you if you try to force a child to eat or drink. Your job is to help the child to feel less anxious if possible, so don’t buy into battles. Children in care often don’t feel as if they have power over their own lives. Deciding not to eat is one way of exerting power. If he/ — 79 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour she doesn’t feel like dinner he/she will probably eat more for breakfast! Medical advice can help with decisions about the amounts of food to provide, if you think that the child is eating too much or too little. Illness When a child is frightened, hurt or ill, comfort from a carer is important. Ill children tend to become more dependent and need special attention. In many ways, being ill is like becoming a baby again. Nursing and fussing over the child, taking the child to the doctor and so forth, are ways to increase attachment. These activities help to build a bank of good feelings between you and the child. If a child must go to hospital, try to stay at the child’s side as much as possible as this will help him/her to cope with the strange surroundings. Positive Attention Adults can take the lead in building a relationship by doing positive things for, or with, the child. There are two big advantages your actions can set a positive direction, and you will be less likely to fall into the trap of only responding to negative behaviours. Here are some examples which can fit into your routine: • Give the child attention before he/she asks for it. Ask a child what he/she did that was most fun today, when the child comes home from school. Ask if the child would like to help you shop, pick flowers, or lick the bowl when baking. Make a regular time for shared activities, such as reading a story or playing a game together. — 80 —

The Importance of Attachment • Praise the child for accomplishments, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. One carer we know says that in rough patches she tries to think of and write down “one good thing” she can praise in a child, before the child comes home from school.This kind of resolve will keep you on a positive path. • Children with low self-esteem often initially feel uncomfortable with praise. Children often prefer praise for things they have done, rather than personal comments, for example, “I really like the way you have set the table” rather than “You’re a good boy”. • Games and fun should never be underrated. Games help children to relax, explore and learn.They can release tension or express feelings which are troubling them. Children’s play is very fluid, moving from one thing to the next at their own pace. Sometimes they want to play with others, whilst at other times they enjoy playing alone. • Provide plenty of opportunity for the child to play in ways he/ she enjoys. Make time to have some fun with the child - let your hair down and be creative. You could roll on the floor, pull funny faces, dress up ... if the child and you enjoy it, do more of it! For extra ideas, there are books on play in your local library, or you can contact the Foster Care Association for suggestions. • Most children enjoy the company of other children from an early age and usually benefit from playing with others in a setting where there’s plenty to do. A bored child can brighten up in minutes with the arrival of another child (and it will take pressure off you). Some children in care — 81 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour may not have experienced much play with other children. You can help to develop their play and social skills by attendance at playgroup or a day care centre for an amount of time which suits the particular child. • Teach the child a special skill. He/she can water plants, use safe tools, set the table, help you bring in the washing. Older children can be taught to prepare simple foods, sew or knit, keep a special collection, follow an interest in music. Tailor the skill to the individual child, but don’t be afraid to try something new, the child may love it! Having just one thing which he/she is interested in or good at builds a child’s sense of competence/identity, which can spread into other fields. • Make a habit of explaining to the child how things work, in simple words. You are providing positive attention and a chance to talk, as well as information which empowers the child. Explanation encourages the child to think about cause and effect and creates more interest and sense of order in his/her world. You can explain everyday things such as gardening, cooking, your reasons for canceling an outing and so on. • Be sensitive to the child’s capacity for attention. Children may feel uncomfortable at being the centre of attention. For some, attention may be linked with being about to be punished. Some children feel more comfortable receiving attention from one person in the family. For example, a little boy may resist affectionate overtures from his female caregiver but be happy to play alongside his male caregiver (or vice versa). A child who has been fearful of parents may — 82 —

The Importance of Attachment feel closer to an older child in the family. Some relate well to pets. Be Consistent Your relationship with the child will be enhanced when you are consistent in what you say and do. The child may be extra sensitive about promises or plans, having been let down in the past and had little say in decisions made about his/her life. If you say you will do something, make sure you do it, or explain the reason you cannot keep to your plan. As a carer you have to “prove yourself ” more to a child than does a parent or someone who has known the child all of his/her life. What may seem a small thing to you may be big for the child. You can apply consistency in many ways. For example, make sure that if you make a plan with the child, such as an outing, it is not lightly canceled. If it can’t take place, talk it over with the child and arrange an alternative which satisfies the child’s underlying concern. Was it a treat? Doing something together? Time with a friend? A “win win” situation is ideal, where you both get what you want. Find out what the child wants and then negotiate, for example, the child can watch the end of a television programme if he/she then turns it off for tea. Have simple household rules about things that really matter to you and make these clear to the child. Aim to be flexible, but also be clear about which issues are/are not negotiable. Try to behave towards the child with consistency, regardless of how you are feeling. Sometimes you can explain to the child that you are tired or need a break. Make sure that your needs, as well as the child’s, are being met. — 83 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Occasionally a child learns to play on the fact that he/she is in care. One child having a tantrum told a carer “I can’t help it because I’m in foster care!”. Children need to know that whilst you are empathetic to their feelings, you will not be manipulated. When you know the child better, you will be more able to assess what is going on and how to respond. — 84 —

The Child’s Family — 85 —



The Child’s Family My Home Your Home Children who are placed in care typically feel very strongly about not living with their own families. The child may feel: • Grief, at separating from his/her parent’s, family, and their familiar world. Children are usually strongly attached to a parent, even if many of their experiences with that parent have been negative. Sometimes a child may say little, even nothing about a parent, but this does not mean that the parent is not significant to the child. However, a child who has spent little time with a parent may be more attached to the person who has been the main caregiver and has become the child’s psychological parent. • Lonely, away from family, neighbours, pets, shops, playgrounds. Children may compare your home with theirs and may resent some of the differences e.g. household rules. • Guilty, children often assume they have left the family as a punishment. The sense of guilt and over-responsibility damages the child’s self-esteem. • Anger, the child may experience intense anger, along with a whole range of feelings including panic and abandonment. It can be a relief for the child to express anger but can also be distressing. The child may not understand the feelings which are welling up. • Worried, about how his/her parents are coping, what the future holds, or when the child will next see family members. • Relieved, he/she may feel relieved to be away from a situation of tension, fear, abuse or neglect. At the same time, the child may have mixed feelings. — 87 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour • Frightened, about what is going to happen in foster care. Whether he/she will be accepted,how he/she will be treated. • Split loyalties, the child may become attached to their carers, as well as their biological family. The two need not be mutually exclusive, but a child may struggle with feeling he/she has to choose between the two families, especially at times such as contact visits. • Fear, the child may fear being moved again. The child will express some of these feelings, particularly when he/she has settled in with you and feels safe enough to do so.This usually comes out in behaviour. Sometimes children misbehave with carers as if to “right the balance”, i.e. somehow prove that home is a good place to be. An older child may think that being in care means that he/she and/or his/her family are second rate. A child may refuse to do what you ask, say “I don’t have to do what you want”, “You are not my Mum”, “I hate you;” or “You won’t let me go home”. The child may unfavourably compare you and your way of doing things, with the parent’s. The child may think the carer had something to do with the decision to move him/her into care. He/she might also think that misbehaving enough will mean that he/she will be sent home. Perhaps the child seems to be pushing for a smack. On some level this may mean “If you hit me that shows my mum is okay”. An older child may threaten to run away, or actually run away. Coping With Unsettled Behaviour Whilst none of the above may occur, it can be very difficult if the child continually misbehaves or compares you with the — 88 —

The Child’s Family family. You will need to call on extra reserves of patience and understanding. Try to keep seeing the big picture. The child is struggling to cope with moving from one world to another and back again, and the unsettled feelings which naturally arise. It is useful not to take things personally. You are not responsible for the situation. Instead, concentrate on how you will respond. A low-key response often helps to calm a tense situation.Resolve to remain as solid as a rock, in the face of all the emotions. You may decide to ignore some behaviour or upsetting comments, or divert the child, by talking about something else. Sometimes you can help the child just by listening. A low-key response doesn’t mean you don’t care. You want to “defuse” the situation, for both the child and yourself. For example, if a child is threatening to run away, a statement like “I’m not making you stay here”, or “No-one will force you to stay” may calm the child. Explain that you are here to help them and ask if there is anything you can help them with right now. If a child actually does choose to leave, contact the Case Worker immediately rather than try to work it out on your own. If you get angry about difficult behaviour, tell the child what you are angry about and why and what behaviour you would prefer. A child can be very confused if he/she misbehaves and you say nothing when you are actually feeling angry. You can also talk to the Case Worker and/or psychologist and decide on ways to respond to the behaviour. — 89 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour The Value Of Family Contact Contact between the child and his/her family is essential in working towards the child’s return home and supporting the child’s own self-esteem and sense of identity. Access maintains the child’s links with the family. It is also a time when parents who are learning more parenting skills can begin to develop a better relationship with the child. If the child is strongly attached to his/her parents, the visit will be very important to him/her. If the child has not developed a strong attachment, visits still enable some contact and the opportunity to build the relationship between child and parent. In some instances, visits may be fully supervised, or stopped, for example if there is risk of harm to the child, if visits are very upsetting for the child, or if the child is opposed to the contact. But even if returning home is a long-term goal or not possible, the child still needs contact with/knowledge of his/her own family. The amount of contact desired by the child needs to be taken into consideration. For all these reasons, contact with family needs to be viewed in a positive light. Problems can easily arise. For example, it can create difficulty if a child is given a lot of treats during a contact visit and carers then have to put a very excited child to bed for school the next day, but it is perfectly understandable for a parent to want to indulge the child. Visits often arouse strong and conflicting feelings for the child. Parents, and usually to a lesser degree, carers, are likely to feel emotionally vulnerable about contact as well. A child’s behaviour often changes markedly before and after visits. The child may suddenly begin to misbehave at home or at school. — 90 —

The Child’s Family Perhaps he/she seems very unsettled and unable to concentrate. Children sometimes feel a need to “cut off ” from the carer and the carer’s family before or after a visit with parents. The child may become distant and seem rejecting. Afterwards, he/she may feel he/she now does not need you. It is a way of coping with both worlds. Pressures from adults at such times just make things more difficult for the child. You may wonder if visits should be limited or canceled when the child is distressed, or if behaviour changes dramatically at home or at school. Keep your mind on the long-term value of the contact for the child. The child has a right to these feelings, even when they are painful. You cannot stop the child’s pain but you can help the child to live with the situation. Helping The Child With Visits Visits and phone contact need to be planned by the Department to ensure the best outcome for the child and family. Phone contact is usually best pre- arranged, otherwise the child could be reacting every time the telephone rings. Here are some ways in which carers can contribute: • Act in a calm and matter of fact way. If you are anxious about a visit, make sure you obtain some support and advice, e.g. from the Case Worker, the Foster Care Association or another foster family. • Make sure the child understands that the plan is to visit and then return to your home. Understanding exactly what — 91 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour is going to happen will help the child to cope better with his/her feelings about the visit. • It’s probably best to talk to pre-school children about the visit shortly before it takes place, rather than days ahead, in case they cannot think about anything else before it happens. • Speak about the child’s family and the contact visits in a positive way. At the same time, be prepared for the thoughts, feelings and behaviour which may be stirred up for the child. • Be extra patient with the child before and after the visits. Your patience, care and comfort can make all the difference. • Inform the child’s teacher when contact is to take place. This puts the teacher in a better position to be supportive throughout any changes in behaviour before and after the visit. The child usually wants to feel the same as other children at school and doesn’t want his/her personal situation to infringe on this. • After contact, give the child space to deal with emotions. He/she may want to keep the two worlds separate and not mention the visit at all. However, the child may want to tell you all about it. When Contact Triggers A Crisis Sometimes children talk about a visit later, rather than immediately, or mention things a bit at a time. If you are concerned about anything the child tells you, tell the Case Worker. The child’s reactions to contact and what happened — 92 —

The Child’s Family during contact are important and the information you provide can help to plan for the child and for future visits. Practical details may also help, for example if you know that the child loves playground equipment then some contact visits might be most successful when they include a visit to the park. Contact plans place demands on your time and family life. Aim to be flexible, but it is important to inform the Case Worker about the timing and location of contact which is easiest for you. Accepting an unsatisfying arrangement does not usually work out in the long run, so let the Case Worker know your needs. Sometimes a visit with family can trigger an emotional crisis. The child’s behaviour may deteriorate markedly or the child becomes very distressed. Inform the child’s Case Worker beforehand if you think this may happen. Contact the Case Worker if you think you need urgent help, or after hours, ring the Crisis Care Unit, or your agency’s after-hours number. If, for example, a child has run away, the Case Worker will decide what action needs to be taken to locate the child. The Foster Care Handbook contains more detail about procedures to follow in emergencies. Call on the available support, you don’t need to deal with a situation on your own. We have considered some of the ways that carers can influence a child’s behaviour and to help the child benefit from a placement. You may add more ideas and approaches. A positive focus, rather than a problem focus, will assist you at times when it is not easy to see that you are making progress. There are many things adults (and other family members) can do to help a child. A child may have had many problems and experienced a mostly sad and difficult life. However, it will not help the child — 93 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour or yourself if you become overwhelmed by all the difficulties. Instead, use your concern to put even more energy into how you and your family care for the child. When A Child Leaves From the beginning, you and your family need to bear in mind the plan is for the child to return home, even when this gets delayed. Helping a child to return home can challenge all your skills as a carer. He/ she may become much quieter than usual, distant or even rejecting, or on the other hand, want to be very close to you. The child could be feeling: • Excited and extremely eager about the reunion with family. • “Churned up”, anxious about another move what will happen next. • Upset about leaving you. • Confused and overwhelmed. He/she needs to get used to the idea of going home and separating from you. You need to understand what is likely to help the child to say goodbye and move on. Don’t judge a child’s behaviour harshly or take it personally if it deteriorates. If a child can talk about feelings, listen carefully. Perhaps he/she has questions or worries you may be able to answer or help sort through. Help the child to take leave in little ways. A ritual, such as encouraging the child to collect items he/she will take and put them in a special place, is often useful. Ask the child to select — 94 —

The Child’s Family some items he/she especially wants to pack. Being involved in packing can help a child to become more accepting of a move. Give the child time to say goodbye to friends, special pets or places. As much as possible, let the child set the pace. Children sometimes also want to leave something behind e.g. a special cubby corner or something they have planted in the garden. Give the child as much choice as possible, so he/she can have some control in what is happening. A special occasion to farewell the child such as a meal, may help. See what the child wants. Keep the farewells low key. If you are feeling upset, acknowledge it to yourself but don’t “overload” the child, who has his/her own feelings to deal with. You have a big say in how you say goodbye. Let the child know that you care and that you’ll miss him/her. You could say something like “We’ll miss you but we’re happy that you can go home”. Encourage the child on his/ her way with positive words. You may like to give the child a special photo of your family for the album. You could go through the “Life Story Book” together a number of times before the child leaves, so that the child sees where the time with your family fits in. It’s natural to have strong feelings about goodbye. Respect these feelings. You may have grown very attached and you have put a lot of effort and caring into the child and making the placement work. You want the child’s future to be a good one. Being involved is an essential part of caring. Sometimes partings are easier with the next placement, but not always. There are also times when the placement has been very difficult, or you need a break and feel very relieved when the placement ends. Whatever your feelings, you have a right to them. — 95 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour Your feelings may not happen all at once. Perhaps you will have “ups and downs” for an extended period of time after the child has left. Take time to talk with a trusted friend or friends, especially other foster families. Friends can provide support for as long as it takes. Contact After The Child Returns Home There is no hard and fast rule about whether children should have contact with carers after returning home, or if so, how much contact. Some contact can give the child a sense of continuity, especially if he/she was with your family for a long time. The child is reassured that people do not just “disappear” and may be better able to come to terms with the two worlds he/she has experienced. Contact will have to be planned in discussion with the Case Worker. Sometimes contact is not possible, or parents do not wish to continue any contact. Whatever decisions are made about contact, remember it is important for the child’s parents to be supported in resuming care of the child. If they do not want any more contact, you need to accept their decision. If The Placement Did Not Work Out Sometimes despite all your efforts a placement does not work out and a decision is made to move the child to another placement. He/she is not able to settle sufficiently in your home or there are big problems which can’t be resolved. If this happens, you may feel a mixture of feelings, disappointed, demoralised, concerned that you have “let the child down”, upset, angry. Remember that you have done your best. — 96 —

The Child’s Family Sometimes success is not possible, for a number of reasons. In addition, the fact that the placement did not work out does not necessarily mean that you are not a good carer. Look after yourself, this is when you most need it. Think about what was achieved or learned from the placement. There must have been some achievements, although at this point, they probably seem small. Talk with people you trust. Some people like to write in private, to work through the thoughts and feelings. All experience is valuable. It may be that the difficulties in this placement have given you some insights for the future. When a placement has not worked out, or even when it was very successful, families sometimes choose to take a break from fostering to allow time for their life and routines to settle back. Helping Your Own Family Every member of your family is affected one way or another when a child comes to stay. If you have children, their concerns need special consideration. A recent study found little information on the important role that carers’ children play in fostering. Carers’ own children live with the foster children, often share bedrooms with them, may become close and grieve when they leave,or may dislike and resent them. Findings from some available studies were as follows: • Children as well as adults need to understand what might happen when a child was fostered with their families. Prior discussion/ knowledge helped children to be aware of possible problems and think about ways to respond. This — 97 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour can even protect children, e.g. if a fostered child is rough or displays inappropriate behaviour. • Minor upsets for carers’ children were common during a placement. Although the upsets generally passed, unless the behaviour was understood and adjustments made to help the carers’ children cope, they could develop more maladaptive behaviour. A birth child’s problems could eventually cause a placement to fail. • The children interviewed thought that the best things about fostering were companionship, looking after babies and young children, and the challenge of helping. Almost all of the children in a study of 75 children said that they enjoyed being part of a family which fostered. Greater appreciation of their own family, awareness of other’s difficulties and greater maturity were some of the gains mentioned by the children. It was interesting that even when a placement had failed or been harrowing, some foster siblings still had a number of positive experiences, more so than their parents. The worst things described about fostering were difficult and annoying behaviour, stealing, if it occurred, greater attention given to the foster child (especially teenagers) and a lack of privacy/difficulty in sharing parents/space with the foster child. Whilst fostering was often difficult and the carers’ own children “paid a price” in the ways described above, especially at certain stages of development, the majority of the children interviewed enjoyed being part of a family that fostered. (Adoption and Fostering, Vol.17, No.1, 1993 pages 26-31). — 98 —

The Child’s Family Bearing all this in mind, it’s best to plan ahead and give the placement the best chance of working out for all the family. For example, a lot of your time will be taken up helping the new arrival to settle in. Your children may have mixed feelings, be glad to have a playmate, but unsure about what another child means in terms of your attention, whether you will love them less, why you need to have more children anyway, and how long the child will stay. The children may not get on, even though your child had wanted a playmate. Or perhaps the expected playmate puts a lot of energy into forming a bond with the carer/s and your child feels left out. Often a lot of your attention goes on the foster child’s problems, which can be difficult for your own children to accept. When the foster child requires a different approach or programme to your own children, they might find it hard to understand e.g., if the child receives a lot of praise and rewards for behaviour which they already perform without particular comment.Talking with your children about how the programme will help the child and listening to their feelings if it is an issue, should make this less of a problem. You may feel torn between giving attention to different members of your family. A partner, if you have one, may find the child less or easier to manage than you do. He/she may become concerned about the effects of fostering on the family. You may feel you are not getting sufficient support from a partner. Here are some strategies: • Talk about the placement as a family, before it happens, and encourage your child to share his/her hopes, fears and questions about fostering. Ensure that children know — 99 —

Helping Young Children With Their Behaviour enough about the child and what to expect and make it clear you want them to keep you in touch with how they are feeling. • Listen to what they say without judging. Praise them for their efforts and acknowledge the adjustments they make. Take time to explain and include them in the daily planning. Make a special time with your child regularly to demonstrate that he/she has not been displaced in your affections. • Acknowledge your own feelings. Are you trying to keep everyone happy and not getting enough for yourself? Think of ways to get the support you need. • Talk concerns over with your partner, if you have one, on a regular basis. Feeling united will help you to deal with problems and decide on what to do if the placement is causing conflict. Foster families need extra help when problems become intense or are not managed over time. The Case Worker can hear the issues and suggest approaches which may help, or involve other staff, such as a psychologist, to provide extra assistance. After A Child Leaves Families need time to settle back together after a child who has been in their care for an extended period of time leaves. Aim to become closer as a family by sharing experiences. You may feel sad about the goodbyes, relieved if it was a difficult placement, proud of the child’s progress and what was achieved. Talk together about what you have learned, what the child meant — 100 —