["have\tone-night\tstands?\tLike,\tdo\tyou\tgo\tto\tclubs\tand\tpick\tout\tsome\thot\tguy\tand take\thim\thome\twith\tyou?\u201d Even\tas\the\tasks\tthe\tquestion,\this\tface\tgrimaces.\tMaybe\tI\u2019m\tnot\tthe\tonly\tone who\tcan\timagine\tfaceless\tsuitors. \u201cOf\tcourse\tnot.\tUnless\tyou\tcount.\tAnd\tI\tcan\u2019t\teven\tget\tone\tnight.\u201d He\t lightly\t rubs\t his\t palm\t across\t my\t shoulders,\t as\t kindly\t as\t a\t friend,\t and\t all the\t wiring\t holding\t my\t muscles\t together\t gets\t an\t inch\t looser.\t I\t step\t closer\t and lean\t all\t my\t weight\t against\t him.\t When\t I\t press\t my\t cheek\t on\t his\t chest,\t his\t heat glows\tagainst\tme. \u201cI\u2019m\ttrying\tto\tmake\tsure\tthat\twhen\twe\tdo,\tyou\tdon\u2019t\thave\tany\tregrets.\u201d \u201cI\tdoubt\tI\twould.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tflattered.\u201d\tHe\tpeeks\tin\tat\tthe\tomelet.\t\u201cGo\tback\tto\tthe\tcouch,\tput\tthe\tTV on.\u201d I\tdrop\tmyself\tinto\tthe\tplush\tperfection\tof\this\tcouch.\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\ttransform my\t igloo\t into\t a\t safe,\t warm\t little\t stronghold\t too.\t I\t need\t lamps,\t rugs,\t more shelves,\t and\t a\t painting\t of\t Tuscany.\t I\t need\t buckets\t of\t paint\t and\t a\t pale\t blue bedroom.\tWhite\tlinen\tand\ta\tfern. \u201cWhere\u2019d\tyou\tget\tthis\tcouch?\tI\twant\tto\tget\tthe\tsame\tone.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tthe\tonly\tone\ton\tearth.\u201d\tHis\tdry\tvoice\tfloats\tout\tfrom\tthe\tkitchen. \u201cCan\tI\tbuy\tit\tfrom\tyou?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cWhat\tabout\tthis\tribbon\tcushion?\u201d \u201cOne\tof\ta\tkind.\u201d \u201cI\tthink\tI\tsee\tyour\tstrategy.\u201d\tI\twatch\tTV\tfor\ta\tbit\tand\tJosh\thands\tme\ta\tplate and\ta\tfork. \u201cI\u2019m\t like\t a\t little\t duchess\t when\t I\u2019m\t here.\t You\t don\u2019t\t have\t to\t wait\t on\t me.\u201d\t I kick\tmy\tshoes\toff\tunder\this\tcoffee\ttable. \u201cSome\t horrible\t monsters\t secretly\t enjoy\t spoiling\t little\t duchesses.\t Should\t we aim\tfor\ta\ttwo-hour\tcease-fire?\tStarting\tnow?\u201d \u201cSure,\t let\u2019s\t do\t it.\t Yum,\t this\t looks\t good.\u201d\t I\t can\t smell\t fresh\t basil.\t How\t is\t he still\tsingle? We\twatch\tthe\tnews\tand\the\ttakes\tmy\tempty\tplate.\tThen\the\tgives\tme\ta\tbowl of\tvanilla\tice\tcream.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t\thave\tone\tfor\thimself. \u201cWhy\teven\tbother\tkeeping\tany\tin\tyour\tfreezer?\u201d \u201cIn\tcase\tI\thave\tunexpected\tsweet-tooth\tvisitors.\u201d I\t can\u2019t\t help\t but\t grin\t at\t the\t thought.\t \u201cIt\t wouldn\u2019t\t destroy\t those\t abs\t to\t have one\tlittle\tspoonful.\tIt\u2019s\tprotein,\tright?\u201d","He\t looks\t at\t the\t bowl,\t and\t sighs.\t He\t takes\t my\t spoon\t from\t me\t and\t steals\t a huge\tmouthful.\t\u201cOh,\tlord.\u201d\tHis\teyelids\tflutter. \u201cYou\tshould\ttreat\tyourself\tto\tsomething\tsmall\teach\tnight.\tNo\tpoint\tin\tbeing cruel\tto\tyourself.\u201d \u201cSomething\tsmall,\thuh?\u201d\tHe\tlooks\tat\tme\tpointedly.\t\u201cOkay.\u201d I\t take\t another\t mouthful\t of\t ice\t cream.\t The\t spoon\t slides\t against\t my\t tongue and\tthe\tintimacy\tof\tit\tis\tobscene.\tHis\ttongue,\tmy\ttongue.\tI\tlick\tit\tand\the\twatches me,\tchest\texpanding,\tbreath\tleaving\thim\tin\ta\trush. He\tunfolds\ta\tfluffy\tgray\tblanket\tover\tme\tand\tI\tlie\tthere\tlike\ta\tspoiled\tchild. He\t sits\t at\t the\t far\t end,\t near\t my\t feet,\t and\t I\t stare\t at\t his\t side\t profile\t as\t he\t leans forward\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\tthe\tcouch\tand\tpicks\tup\tthe\tmedical\ttext\tbook. \u201cYou\tlook\tsad.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t.\t.\t.\thappy.\u201d\tHis\texpression\tchanges\tto\tfaint\tsurprise.\t\u201cWeird.\u201d \u201cWhy\tdo\tyou\tstill\thave\tthose\ttextbooks?\tThis\tone\thas\tso\tmany\tdicks\tin\tit.\u201d \u201cI\twas\toriginally\tgoing\tto\tgo\tinto\tthe\tfamily\ttrade.\tI\thaven\u2019t\tmanaged\tto\tpart with\t them,\t I\t guess.\t And\t a\t lot\t of\t them\t are\t my\t mother\u2019s.\t They\u2019re\t pretty\t old,\t but she\twanted\tme\tto\thave\tthem.\u201d He\t flips\t to\t the\t flyleaf\t and\t traces\t his\t finger\t across\t her\t handwritten\t name.\t I want\t to\t ask\t about\t his\t parents,\t but\t if\t I\t know\t Josh,\t he\u2019s\t on\t the\t verge\t of\t shutting down. \u201cDoctor\tJosh,\tMD.\tYou\twould\thave\tbeen\ta\tsexy\tdoctor.\u201d \u201cOh,\tdefinitely.\u201d\tHe\tdiscards\tthe\tbook\tand\tclicks\taround\twith\tthe\tremote. \u201cAll\tyour\tlady\tpatients\twould\thave\thad\tpounding\theart\trates.\u201d He\t takes\t my\t empty\t bowl.\t He\t kisses\t the\t little\t hinge\t of\t my\t jaw\t until\t I\t gasp, and\tthen\tfinds\tthe\tpulse\tpoint\tin\tmy\twrist\texpertly. \u201cLet\u2019s\t see.\t Think\t about\t me\t in\t a\t white\t coat,\t sliding\t a\t stethoscope\t into\t the neck\tof\tyour\tblouse.\u201d I\tcan\talmost\tfeel\tthe\tfreezing\tcold\tdisc\tpressed\tagainst\tme.\tI\tshiver\tand\tI\tfeel my\tnipples\tbegin\tto\tpinch. \u201cYou\u2019re\tgiving\tme\ta\tbrand-new\tkink.\u201d\tI\tsay\tit\tlike\ta\tsmartass,\tbut\the\tsmiles. \u201cI\tcould\tprobably\twork\twith\tthat.\u201d My\tmind\tleaps\tto\twhat\tour\ttheoretical\tsex\tlife\twould\tbe\tlike.\tWe\u2019re\tplaying games\t with\t each\t other\t all\t day;\t it\t stands\t to\t reason\t they\u2019d\t carry\t on\t in\t bed.\t The image\thits\tme\tso\tpowerfully\tI\tfeel\tmy\tbody\tsqueeze,\tempty\tand\twanting. His\t voice\t against\t the\t back\t of\t my\t ear\t as\t we\t stand\t in\t the\t doorway\t to\t his beautiful\tbedroom. What\tshall\twe\tplay\tnow?","\u201cI\u2019d\tpretend\tto\tbe\tsick\tevery\tsingle\tnight.\u201d \u201cEvery\t night?\u201d\t He\u2019s\t still\t checking\t my\t pulse,\t staring\t at\t his\t watch,\t his\t lips moving\tas\the\tcounts.\tIt\u2019s\tso\tsexy\tI\tknow\tit\tbeats\tfaster.\tEventually,\the\treleases me. \u201cQuite\ta\tpounding\tlittle\theart\tyou\tgot\tthere.\tAnd\ta\traging\tcase\tof\tHorny-Eye. I\tthink\tit\u2019s\tquite\tserious.\u201d \u201cWill\tI\tdie?\u201d \u201cI\t prescribe\t complete\t couch-rest\t under\t my\t supervision.\t But\t it\u2019s\t touch\t and go.\u201d \u201cI\u2019d\tmake\t a\t sleazy\t joke\tabout\t your\t bedside\t manner\t but\tit\t would\t be\t a\tlittle redundant\tat\tthis\tpoint.\u201d\tI\tsnuggle\tback\tdown\tunder\tmy\tblanket. \u201cCan\t you\t even\t imagine\t my\t bedside\t manner?\t I\u2019d\t be\t the\t worst.\t I\u2019d\t scare people\tinto\thealth.\u201d \u201cIs\tthat\twhy\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto\tbe\ta\tdoctor?\tBecause\tyou\thate\tpeople?\u201d \u201cIt\tdidn\u2019t\twork\tout.\u201d\tHis\tvoice\tgets\thard. \u201cWas\tthere\tanything\tyou\tenjoyed\tabout\tit?\u201d \u201cI\t enjoyed\t most\t of\t it.\t I\t was\t good\t at\t the\t theory\t component.\t I\u2019ve\t got\t a\t good memory.\tAnd\tI\tdon\u2019t\thate\tall\tpeople.\tJust\t.\t.\t.\tmost\tpeople.\u201d \u201cWhat\t about\t the\t practical\t component?\t Did\t you\t have\t a\t bad\t experience?\t Did they\tmake\tyou\tput\tyour\tfinger\tup\tsomeone\u2019s\tbutt?\u201d He\t laughs\t even\t as\t his\t nose\t wrinkles\t in\t distaste.\t \u201cYou\t don\u2019t\t start\t on\t live people.\tAnd\tyou\tdon\u2019t\tstart\ton\tbutts.\tWhat\tkind\tof\tmind\tthinks\tof\tthat?\u201d \u201cCadavers!\t I\t bet\t you\t saw\t cadavers.\t What\t was\t it\t like?\u201d\t I\t think\t of\t all\t the autopsy\tscenes\tin\tLaw\t&\tOrder. \u201cThis\tone\ttime,\tmy\tdad\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tHe\thesitates,\tlooking\taway,\tconsidering. I\tdon\u2019t\tpush\thim,\tand\tafter\ta\tlong\tsilence\the\tcontinues. \u201cMy\t dad,\t in\t his\t wisdom,\t decided\t to\t set\t me\t up\t on\t a\t bit\t of\t informal\t work experience\t at\t his\t hospital,\t in\t the\t break\t before\t I\t started\t college.\t Some\t of\t it\t was okay.\t Mainly\t I\t was\t passed\t around\t by\t a\t few\t doctors\t who\t all\t seemed\t too exhausted\t to\t say\t no\t to\t him.\t But\t one\t afternoon\t he\t slaps\t me\t on\t the\t back, introduces\tone\tof\tthe\tcoroners,\tand\tleaves\tus\tto\tit.\u201d I\tam\tstarting\tto\tfeel\tterrible.\t\u201cYou\tdon\u2019t\thave\tto\ttell\tme\tif\tit\u2019s\thard.\u201d \u201cNo,\tit\u2019s\tokay.\tI\tguess\tit\twas\tthe\tultimate\tbaptism\tof\tfire.\tI\tmade\tit\tthrough about\tfive\tminutes\tbefore\tI\tthrew\tup.\tThe\tsmell\tof\tdead\tperson,\tand\tchemicals,\tit left\t a\t taste\t in\t my\t mouth.\t Probably\t why\t I\t started\t eating\t all\t these\t mints. Sometimes\tI\tcan\u2019t\tget\tthe\tsmell\tout\tof\tmy\tnose\tand\tit\u2019s\tbeen\tyears.\u201d He\tlifts\tmy\tarm\tand\tpresses\tmy\twrist\tto\this\tnose.","\u201cYour\t skin\t smells\t like\t candy.\t Up\t until\t that\t point,\t it\t was\t a\t given\t I\u2019d\t study medicine.\t My\t great-great-grandfather\t was\t a\t doctor\t and\t it\u2019s\t always\t been\t the Templeman\t chosen\t vocation.\t But\t after\t seeing\t someone\u2019s\t rib\t cage\t get\t jacked open,\tit\twas\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tthe\tend.\u201d \u201cYou\tmanaged\tto\tstay\tfor\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tautopsy?\u201d \u201cI\tmanaged\tto\tstay\tfor\tanother\tyear.\tAnd\tthen\tI\tquit.\u201d\tHe\tlooks\tdistressed\tby the\tmemory\tand\tdefaults\tto\tdefensiveness.\t\u201cSo\tyou\tcame\tover\tto\tgrill\tme\ton\tmy life\tchoices?\u201d I\tcatch\this\tfingertips\tand\thold\this\thand\tbetween\tmine. \u201cI\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tto\tbe\tanywhere\telse\ttonight.\tI\twas\tcrawling\tout\tof\tmy\tskin.\u201d I\u2019m\tproud\tI\thad\tthe\tcourage\tto\tsay\tit. He\tturns\tback\tto\tme\tand\tthe\texpression\tin\this\teyes\tis\tsofter. \u201cMy\t leg\t was\t jiggling\t like\t this.\u201d\t I\t demonstrate\t and\t he\t grins.\t \u201cYou\t should have\t seen\t me\t driving\t here.\t I\t was\t laughing\t like\t I\u2019d\t broken\t out\t of\t prison.\t I\t was completely\tderanged.\u201d \u201cDo\tyou\tthink\tyou\u2019ve\tfinally\tcracked\tyour\tsanity?\u201d \u201cFor\t sure.\t The\t weird\t need\t to\t stare\t at\t your\t pretty\t face\t completely overwhelmed\tme.\tI\thad\tthe\tenergy\tof\ttwenty\tatom\tbombs.\u201d \u201cWhy\tdo\tyou\tthink\tI\tgo\tto\tthe\tgym\tso\tmuch?\u201d A\t big\t bubble\t of\t happiness\t fills\t me.\t I\t struggle\t upright\t and\t lean\t against\t him, my\t head\t falling\t easily\t into\t the\t perfect\t cradle\t of\t his\t neck.\t It\u2019s\t true;\t he\t fits\t me everywhere. \u201cYou\tnever\thave\tto\texplain\tyour\tchoices.\tNot\tto\tme,\tnot\tto\tanyone.\u201d He\tnods\tslowly,\tand\tI\tcover\thim\tin\tthe\tblanket\ttoo. I\t could\t never\t have\t imagined\t one\t day\t I\u2019d\t be\t sitting\t on\t a\t couch,\t my\t mouth tasting\tlike\tvanilla,\twith\tmy\thead\ton\tJoshua\tTempleman\u2019s\tshoulder.\tIt\u2019s\tgoing\tto end\tin\tdisaster.\tI\tclose\tmy\teyes\tand\tbreathe. \u201cI\t want\t to\t know\t why\t you\t were\t so\t sad\t today,\t Shortcake.\u201d\t It\u2019s\t uncanny\t how he\tsenses\tshifts\tin\tmy\tmood. \u201cI\tjust\twas.\tI\twas\tthinking\tabout\teverything\tat\tstake\tfor\tme.\u201d \u201cTell\tme.\u201d \u201cI\tcan\u2019t.\tYou\u2019re\tmy\tnemesis.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\tawfully\tsnuggly\twith\tyour\tnemesis.\u201d\tIt\u2019s\ttrue.\tI\u2019m\tsnuggling. \u201cI\t don\u2019t\t want\t to\t talk\t about\t me.\t We\t never\t talk\t about\t you.\t I\t probably\t don\u2019t know\tanything\tabout\tyou.\u201d He\tlaces\this\tfingers\tinto\tmine\tand\trests\tour\thands\ton\this\tstomach.\tI\tmove\tmy fingertips\tin\ttiny\tcircles\tand\the\tsighs\tindulgently.","\u201cSure\tyou\tdo.\tGo\ton,\tlist\teverything.\u201d \u201cI\tknow\tsurface\tthings.\tThe\tcolor\tof\tyour\tshirts.\tYour\tlovely\tblue\teyes.\tYou live\t on\t mints\t and\t make\t me\t look\t like\t a\t pig\t in\t comparison.\t You\t scare\t three- quarters\tof\tB\tand\tG\temployees\tabsolutely\tsenseless,\tbut\tonly\tbecause\tthe\tother quarter\thaven\u2019t\tmet\tyou\tyet.\u201d He\tsmirks.\t\u201cSuch\ta\tbunch\tof\tdelicate\tsissies.\u201d I\tkeep\tticking\tthings\toff. \u201cYou\u2019ve\t got\t a\t pencil\t you\t use\t for\t secret\t purposes\t I\t think\t relate\t to\t me.\t You dry\tclean\ton\talternate\tFridays.\tThe\tprojector\tin\tthe\tboardroom\tstrains\tyour\teyes and\t gives\t you\t headaches.\t You\u2019re\t good\t at\t using\t silence\t to\t scare\t the\t shit\t out\t of people.\t It\u2019s\t your\t go-to\t strategy\t in\t meetings.\t You\t sit\t there\t and\t stare\t with\t your laser-eyes\tuntil\tyour\topponent\tcrumbles.\u201d He\tremains\tsilent. \u201cOh,\tand\tyou\u2019re\tsecretly\ta\tdecent\thuman\tbeing.\u201d \u201cYou\tdefinitely\tknow\tmore\tabout\tme\tthan\tanyone\telse.\u201d\tI\tcan\tfeel\ta\ttension in\t him.\t When\t I\t look\t at\t his\t face,\t he\t looks\t shaken.\t My\t stalking\t has\t scared\t the ever-loving\tshit\tout\tof\thim.\tUnfortunately,\tthe\tnext\tthing\tI\tsay\tsounds\tderanged. \u201cI\twant\tto\tknow\twhat\u2019s\tgoing\ton\tin\tyour\tbrain.\tI\twant\tto\tjuice\tyour\thead\tlike a\tlemon.\u201d \u201cWhy\tdo\tyou\teven\twant\tto\tknow\tanything\tabout\tme?\tI\tthought\tI\twas\tgoing to\t be\t your\t one\t glorious\t bout\t of\t hate\t sex\t to\t cross\t off\t your\t list\t before\t you\t settle down\twith\tsome\tMr.\tNice\tGuy.\u201d \u201cI\t want\t to\t know\t what\t sort\t of\t person\t I\u2019ll\t be\t using\t and\t objectifying.\t What\u2019s your\tfavorite\tfood?\u201d \u201cVanilla\t ice\t cream.\t Eaten\t from\t your\t bowl,\t with\t your\t spoon.\t And strawberries.\u201d \u201cDream\tvacation\tdestination.\u201d \u201cSky\tDiamond\tStrawberries.\u201d When\tI\tlevel\ta\tfrustrated\tlook\tat\thim,\the\trelents,\tand\tpoints\tat\tthe\tframe\ton his\twall. \u201cThat\texact\tTuscan\tvilla.\u201d \u201cI\twant\tto\tclimb\tinside\tthat\tpainting.\tWhat\twould\tyou\tdo\tthere?\u201d \u201cSwim\tin\ta\tpool\twith\ta\ttile\tmosaic\ton\tthe\tbottom.\u201d\tHe\tsmiles\tat\thow\tmuch that\timage\tdelights\tme. \u201cDoes\tthe\tpool\thave\ta\tfountain\tsomewhere?\tLike\ta\tlittle\tlion\tspitting\twater?\u201d \u201cYes,\t it\t does.\t After\t the\t swim,\t I\t lie\t in\t the\t shade\t eating\t grapes\t and\t cheese. Then\tI\u2019d\thave\ta\tbig\tglass\tof\twine\tand\tfall\tasleep\twith\ta\tbook\ton\tmy\tface.\u201d","\u201cBasically\tyou\u2019ve\tjust\tdescribed\theaven.\tWhat\thappens\tthen?\u201d \u201cI\tforgot\tto\tmention\tthat\ta\tbeautiful\tgirl\tswam\tin\tthat\tpool\twith\tme\tand\tslept in\t that\t sun\t too.\t She\u2019s\t starving.\t I\u2019d\t better\t take\t her\t out\t for\t pasta.\t Carbohydrates and\toil,\tcovered\tin\tcheese.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tenjoying\tthis\tfood\tfantasy,\u201d\tI\tmanage.\tI\twant\tto\tbe\tthat\tgirl\tso\tbadly\tI could\thowl. \u201cWe\u2019d\twalk\tback\tto\tthe\tvilla\tin\tthe\tdark,\tand\tI\u2019d\tpull\tdown\tthe\tzip\tof\ther\tred dress.\tI\u2019d\tfeed\ther\tchampagne\tand\tstrawberries\tin\tbed\tto\tkeep\ther\tstrength\tup.\u201d \u201cHow\t are\t you\t coming\t up\t with\t this\t stuff.\u201d\t I\u2019m\t so\t enraptured\t I\u2019m\t almost slurring.\t If\t this\t is\t what\t his\t holiday\t daydream\t is\t like,\t I\t wouldn\u2019t\t survive\t his bedroom. \u201cThen\tI\u2019d\twake\tup\tand\tdo\tit\tall\tagain\tthe\tnext\tday.\tWith\ther.\tFor\tweeks.\u201d I\t stare\t at\t the\t painting\t and\t imagine\t standing\t with\t him\t under\t the\t glittering dark\t purple\t sky,\t the\t headlights\t of\t faraway\t cars\t illuminating\t the\t rows\t of\t poplar trees\tlining\tthe\troad. I\thave\tto\tsay\tsomething.\tAnything.\tHe\u2019s\tlooking\tat\tme,\tclearly\tentertained. \u201cLucky\tbitch.\u201d He\tlaughs\tout\tloud\tat\tthat.\tI\tfire\toff\tmy\tnext\tquiz\tquestion. \u201cYou\u2019re\t shipwrecked\t onto\t an\t uninhabited\t island.\t What\t three\t things\t would you\ttake\twith\tyou?\u201d \u201cA\tknife.\tA\ttarpaulin.\u201d\tHe\tthinks\tfor\ta\tlong\ttime\ton\tthe\tlast\titem. \u201cAnd\tyou.\tTo\tannoy\tyou,\u201d\the\tamends. \u201cI\u2019m\tnot\tan\tobject.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tcount.\u201d \u201cBut\t I\u2019d\t be\t so\t lonely\t on\t the\t island,\u201d\t he\t points\t out.\t I\t think\t of\t him\t sitting alone\tin\tthe\tall-staff\tmeeting. \u201cOkay.\t So\t we\u2019re\t crawling\t up\t the\t beach\t and\t I\u2019m\t cursing\t your\t name\t for pulling\t me\t away\t from\t civilization\t and\t hair-care\t products\t and\t lipstick.\t What then?\u201d My\t shiver\t from\t the\t movement\t of\t his\t lips\t on\t my\t earlobe\t shakes\t the\t couch. When\tI\tfeel\tthe\tpress\tof\this\tmouth\tto\tmy\tthroat,\tI\tgroan\tout\tloud. He\tturns\tthe\tTV\toff,\tand\tfor\ta\tmoment\tI\u2019m\tcertain\the\u2019s\tabout\tto\twalk\tme\tout. Or\tpick\tme\tup\tand\tthrow\tme\ton\this\tbed.\tIt\u2019s\thard\tto\ttell.\tHe\traises\this\thands\tinto my\t hair,\t softly\t trailing\t his\t fingertips\t through\t it,\t until\t he\t reaches\t my\t scalp.\t My eyelids\tflutter. \u201cI\u2019d\t build\t you\t a\t shelter\t and\t find\t you\t a\t coconut,\t and\t then\t we\u2019d\t pass\t the time.\u201d \u201cHow?\u201d\tMy\tvoice\tis\tbarely\tmore\tthan\ta\twhisper.","\u201cProbably\tlike\tthis.\u201d\tHe\tpresses\this\tmouth\tto\tmine.","Chapter\t17 We\tboth\tsuck\tin\ta\tbreath\tand\tthe\troom\thas\tno\toxygen\tleft. Last\t night\t he\t picked\t me\t up\t under\t a\t streetlight\t and\t gave\t me\t a\t kiss\t that\t was calculated\t to\t leave\t me\t wanting\t more.\t Now\t I\t know\t what\t my\t problem\t has\t been today.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tcraving. Images\t of\t us\t in\t another\t life\t in\t Tuscany\t are\t still\t behind\t my\t eyelids\t as\t he kisses\tmy\tmouth\topen,\ttouches\tmy\ttongue\twith\this,\tand\tbreathes.\tHe\tsighs.\tHe\u2019s wanted\t this.\t He\u2019s\t been\t craving\t as\t badly\t as\t I\t have.\t My\t mouth\t is\t vanilla,\t his\t is mint,\tand\tthey\tcombine\tto\tcreate\tsomething\tdelicious. A\t miracle\t has\t occurred,\t and\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t when,\t but\t I\t know\t it\t now.\t Joshua Templeman\tdoes\tnot\thate\tme.\tNot\ta\tbit.\tThere\u2019s\tno\tway\the\tcould\twhen\the\tkisses me\tlike\tthis. He\tloosens\tone\thand\tfrom\tmy\thair\tand\tspreads\tit\tacross\tmy\tjaw,\tstroking\tmy skin,\tcupping\tand\ttilting\tmy\tface.\tIt\u2019s\tso\tcompletely\tsweet,\teven\tas\tour\ttongues begin\tto\tget\tfilthy. I\tslide\tmy\tknee\tover\this\tlap,\tfeeling\tmy\tinner\tthighs\tstretch. \u201cI\tswore\tto\tmyself\tI\twouldn\u2019t\tcome\there\ttonight.\u201d \u201cYet\there\tyou\tare.\tInteresting.\u201d We\tboth\tlook\tdown\tat\tmy\tthighs\ton\this,\tand\tI\tcan\u2019t\tstop\tmyself\tfrom\tsliding my\thips\tforward. This\t new\t position\t splices\t power\t and\t adrenaline\t into\t my\t blood.\t I\t put\t my hands\ton\this\tcollarbones\tand\tlook\thim\tover.\tHis\thair\tis\tstill\ta\tlittle\tdamp.\tI\tcup the\tnape\tof\this\tneck\tin\tmy\tpalm\tand\tpress\tmy\thand\tagainst\this\theart. I\t start\t a\t slow\t slide\t down\t to\t his\t chest,\t ribs,\t testing\t the\t density\t of\t flesh.\t He\u2019s so\tfirm\tI\tcan\ttrace\tthe\tlines\tbetween\teach\tmuscle,\teven\tthrough\ta\tT-shirt.\tI\ttry\tto tug\tup\tthe\tbottom\tof\tthe\tshirt\tbut\tit\u2019s\tpinned\tunder\tmy\tknees. Impatience\t rips\t clean\t through\t me.\t I\t nearly\t tear\t his\t shirt\t off\t but\t I\t force\t my fingers\t to\t loosen.\t He\t must\t see\t this\t flash\t of\t violent\t cavewoman,\t because\t he closes\this\teyes\tand\this\tthroat\thums\tin\ta\tgroan. \u201cSometimes\tyou\tlook\tat\tme\tlike\tyou\u2019re\t.\t.\t.\u201d","He\t forgets\t what\t he\t was\t saying\t when\t I\t begin\t to\t kiss\t his\t jaw.\t His\t hands\t lie palms-up\ton\teither\tside\tof\tmy\tcalves.\tHe\u2019s\tletting\tme\tcontrol\tthis\tand\tI\tlike\tit.\tI feel\thim\tsmile\twhen\tI\tnibble\tagainst\this\tbottom\tlip. The\t couch\t gives\t softly\t underneath\t my\t knees,\t and\t as\t our\t clothes\t begin\t to make\ta\twarm\tfriction,\tI\tfeel\this\tarousal,\thard\tand\tblunt,\tpressing\tinto\tthe\tback\tof my\tthigh. \u201cI\t need\t it,\u201d\t I\t tell\t him\t and\t watch\t his\t eyes\t go\t viciously\t black.\t I\t take\t huge handfuls\tof\this\tclothes\tand\twe\tkiss\tagain. I\troll\tmy\thips\tslowly\tin\this\twide\tlap\tand\this\thands\tslide\tdown\tmy\tbody\tin\ta series\tof\tslow,\tsqueezing\tpauses.\tShoulders,\tunderarms,\tthe\tsides\tof\tmy\tbreasts. I\tshiver,\tand\the\tslides\this\thands\tlower.\tRibs,\tthe\tcurve\tof\tmy\twaist.\tHips.\tButt. His\t hands\t slide\t down\t my\t thighs,\t his\t long\t fingers\t dragging\t down\t the\t outer and\tinner\tseam\tof\tmy\tjeans.\tHe\ttraces\this\tfingers\talong\tmy\tcalves.\tWhen\tI\tdrop my\t face\t to\t his\t neck,\t his\t hands\t tighten\t on\t my\t ankles,\t a\t little\t reminder\t he\t could take\tcontrol\tif\the\twanted\tto. \u201cI\tlike\thow\tlittle\tyou\tare.\u201d\tHe\tsure\tsounds\tlike\the\tlikes\tmy\tbody\tas\the\ttakes another\tslow,\tstroking\ttour. As\tI\tslide\tmy\ttongue\tinto\this\tmouth,\tI\tbegin\tthinking\tabout\ta\tboard\tmeeting we\u2019d\t been\t in,\t a\t few\t weeks\t back.\t He\u2019d\t been\t sitting\t by\t the\t window\t and\t I remember\t watching\t the\t sun\t slowly\t slide\t along\t the\t windowsill,\t across\t the\t floor, across\tthe\tboard\ttable\tas\tthe\tafternoon\tdragged\ton. He\u2019d\tbeen\twearing\ta\tnavy\tsuit\tI\tdon\u2019t\tsee\thim\twear\toften\tand\tthe\tpale\tblue shirt.\t I\u2019d\t sat\t there\t opposite\t him,\t watching\t the\t way\t the\t sun\t slowly\t crept\t up\t his body\t like\t a\t rising\t tide.\t I\u2019d\t breathed\t in\t the\t scent\t of\t the\t fabric\t warming\t on\t his body. I\tremember\thow\the\u2019d\tcut\this\tdark\tblue\teyes\tto\tme\tduring\tthe\tmeeting,\tand\tit had\tflustered\tme,\tmade\tmy\tstomach\ttwist\tin\thalf.\tHe\u2019d\tsmirked\tand\tresumed\this patient\t staring\t at\t the\t PowerPoint\t presentation,\t not\t taking\t a\t single\t note\t whereas my\tscribbling\thand\twas\tcramping. Those\t eyes,\t flashing\t to\t my\t face,\t made\t me\t jump\t out\t of\t my\t skin.\t I\t hadn\u2019t known\twhy.\tNow\tI\tdo. \u201cI\twas\tremembering\tthe\tboard\tmeeting\ta\tfew\tweeks\tback.\u201d\tMy\thead\trolls\tto one\t side\t as\t he\t kisses\t under\t the\t hinge\t of\t my\t jaw.\t I\t have\t a\t full-body\t shiver.\t His hand\t spreads\t across\t my\t ribs,\t thumb\t nudging\t the\t underside\t of\t my\t breast.\t My total\tfocus\tnarrows\tdown\tto\tthis\thalf\tinch\tof\tcontact. \u201cYes,\twhat\tabout\tit?\tI\u2019m\tnot\tdoing\tso\twell\tif\tyou\u2019re\tthinking\tabout\tit\tnow.\u201d He\treturns\this\tmouth\tto\tmine\tand\tdials\tit\tup\ta\tlittle.\tIt\u2019s\tminutes\tbefore\tI\tcan","speak\t again.\t Possibly\t hours.\t My\t breath\t is\t in\t little\t gasping\t pants,\t and\t he\t bites down\tgently\tonto\tmy\tbottom\tlip. His\tthumb\tslides\tup,\tnudges\tmy\tnipple\tsoftly\tand\tcontinues\tup\tto\tmy\tjaw.\tI jolt\tand\tquiver. I\thave\tto\texplain\tmyself\tproperly.\t\u201cYou\tlooked\tat\tme\tand\t.\t.\t.\tAnd\tI\tthink\tI wanted\tto\tkiss\tyou.\tI\tonly\tjust\trealized.\u201d \u201cOh,\treally.\u201d I\tam\trewarded\tby\this\tother\thand\tsliding\tup\tthe\tback\tof\tmy\ttop.\tSkin\tagainst skin.\tFingers\tplaying\tlanguidly\twith\tmy\tbra\tstrap. \u201cI\twas\tremembering\thow\tyou\tgave\tme\tthis\tlook.\u201d \u201cLike\t I\t was\t thinking\t about\t something\t dirty?\t I\t was.\t You\t were\t wearing\t your white\tsilk\tshirt\twith\tthe\tpearl\tbuttons.\tAnd\tthis\tsoft-looking\tcardigan\tfor\tthe\tfirst half\tof\tthe\tmeeting.\tHair\tup,\tred\tlips.\u201d He\t leans\t back\t and\t trails\t his\t fingertips\t down\t my\t throat\t to\t the\t top\t of\t my cleavage.\tHis\tfingertips\tdip\tin,\tI\tshudder\tout\tthe\tonly\tthing\tI\tcan\tthink\tof. \u201cIt\u2019s\ta\tcashmere\tcardigan.\u201d \u201cYou\t like\t Doctor\t Josh\t .\t .\t .\t I\t like\t prissy\t retro\t librarian\t Lucy.\t Silk-cashmere Lucy.\t That\u2019s\t my\t kink.\t A\t pencil\t in\t your\t hair,\t grilling\t a\t department\t head\t on absentee\tstats\tfor\tlast\tquarter.\u201d He\tcontinues\this\tslide\tdown\tmy\ttorso,\tfingers\tpressing\tinto\tmy\tribs. \u201cWhat\ta\tspecific\tkink.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tbelieve\tyou\tcan\tremember\twhat\tI\twas\twearing. But\t hey,\t I\t can\t roll\t with\t this.\t I\t could\t get\t some\t nerd\t glasses\t and\t scold\t you.\u201d\t I frown\tsternly\tand\thold\tmy\tfinger\tto\tmy\tlips.\t\u201cBe\tquiet.\u201d He\tgroans\ttheatrically.\t\u201cI\tcouldn\u2019t\ttake\tit.\u201d \u201cCan\t you\t even\t imagine\t how\t it\t would\t be\t between\t you\t and\t me?\t All\t day, every\tnight?\u201d He\tknows\texactly\twhat\tI\tmean.\t\u201cOh,\tyeah.\u201d \u201cLike\tyou\tsaid\tjust\tbefore:\tThe\ttrick\tis\tto\tfind\tsomeone\twho\u2019s\tstrong\tenough to\ttake\tit.\tThat\tone\tperson\twho\tcan\tgive\tit\tback\tas\tgood\tas\tthey\tget.\u201d \u201cCan\tyou?\u201d\tHis\teyes\tlook\tlike\the\u2019s\ton\tdrugs.\tPupils\tinked,\tirises\thazy. \u201cYeah.\u201d We\t kiss\t with\t a\t new\t intensity,\t sparked\t by\t our\t shared\t boardroom\t fantasies. Lucy\tand\tJosh\tstarring\tin\tgraphic,\tsweat-slicked\tpornography. He\tarches\tagainst\tme.\tHis\thard-on\tis\tpressing\tso\thard\tagainst\tthe\tback\tof\tmy leg\tmy\thamstring\tfeels\tbruised. He\tbreaks\tthe\tkiss.\t\u201cSlow\tup.\tI\twant\tto\task\tyou\tsomething.\u201d He\t sits\t back\t a\t little\t and\t we\t stare\t into\t each\t other\u2019s\t black\t eyes.\t His\t mouth\t is","softened,\t pink\t and\t I\t want\t it\t all\t over\t me.\t Licking\t and\t biting\t mouthfuls\t of\t my flesh.\tMy\tbreathing\tis\tso\tloud\tthat\tI\talmost\tcan\u2019t\thear\twhat\the\tsays\tnext. \u201cWhen\tyou\tcalled\tme\ttonight,\tdid\tyou\tnearly\tcall\tDanny\tinstead?\u201d\tI\tstart\tto protest\tbut\the\tsmoothes\this\thand\tdown\tmy\tarm. \u201cI\u2019m\tnot\tbeing\ta\tjealous\tpsycho.\tI\u2019m\tjust\tinterested.\u201d \u201cYou\t already\t won\t that\t competition\t with\t him.\t He\u2019s\t my\t friend\t now.\t We\t are only\tgoing\tto\tbe\tfriends.\u201d \u201cYou\thaven\u2019t\tanswered,\tthough.\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s\t the\t sensible\t option.\t I\u2019m\t not\t doing\t many\t sensible\t things\t with\t my evenings\t these\t days.\t I\u2019m\t glad\t I\t didn\u2019t\t call\t him.\t I\u2019d\t probably\t be\t sitting\t in\t a movie,\tinstead\tof\there.\u201d\tI\tbounce\ta\tlittle\ton\this\tlap. Josh\t tries\t to\t smile,\t but\t it\t doesn\u2019t\t quite\t work.\t \u201cI\u2019d\t go\t to\t a\t movie\t with\t you. Look,\tit\u2019s\tgetting\tlate.\u201d His\t hands\t slide\t down\t my\t back\t to\t grip\t my\t butt.\t He\t tilts\t me,\t and\t drags\t me down\tthe\thardness\tof\this\tarousal.\tThen\the\tlifts\tme\toff\tand\tsets\tme\taside. He\tsits\tforward\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\tthe\tcouch\tand\tputs\this\tface\tin\this\thands.\tHe\u2019s breathing\tas\theavily\tas\tI\tam.\tIt\tdoes\tmy\tego\tno\tharm. \u201cFuck.\u201d\t He\t sighs\t it.\t \u201cI\t am\t so\t turned\t on,\u201d\t he\t says\t with\t an\t embarrassed\t half laugh,\tand\tI\tcompletely\tunderstand\this\tdesperation. He\u2019s\tsurely\tgot\tto\tbe\twondering\twhy\the\u2019s\tsubjecting\thimself\tto\tthis.\tHe\u2019s\tan adult\tman,\treduced\tto\tteenage\tmake-out\tsessions\twith\this\tweird\tcolleague. \u201cDo\tyou\twant\tto\thear\thow\tturned\ton\tI\tam?\u201d \u201cI\u2019d\tbetter\tnot,\u201d\the\tmanages. \u201cI\tguess\tI\tshould\tgo\thome.\u201d\tI\tpray\the\ttells\tme\tto\tstay.\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t. He\ttalks\tthrough\this\thands.\t\u201cGive\tme\ta\tminute.\u201d I\t take\t our\t mugs\t and\t my\t bowl\t into\t the\t kitchen\t and\t rinse\t the\t bowl.\t I\t look\t at the\tfrying\tpan\tand\tput\tit\tin\tthe\tsink\tand\tfill\tit\twith\thot\twater\tand\tsuds.\tMy\tlegs are\ttrembling\tand\tdoing\ta\tpoor\tjob\tof\tholding\tme\tupright. \u201cI\u2019ll\tdo\tit,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tbehind\tme.\t\u201cLeave\tit.\u201d My\teyes\tbadly\twant\tto\tdrop\tbelow\this\twaist,\tbut\tbecause\tI\tam\ta\tlady\tI\tresist. He\tfeeds\tmy\tarms\tinto\tmy\tcoat\tand\twe\tboth\tput\tour\tshoes\ton.\tWe\tcarefully stand\ton\tthe\topposite\tends\tof\tthe\televator,\tbut\twe\tstare\tat\teach\tother\tlike\twe\u2019re one\t second\t away\t from\t slamming\t the\t elevator\t to\t an\t emergency\t stop\t to\t put ourselves\tout\tof\tour\tmisery. \u201cI\tfeel\tlike\tyour\tEaster\tegg.\u201d He\t catches\t my\t hand\t at\t the\t curb\t and\t walks\t across\t the\t street\t with\t me.\t When we\t reach\t my\t car,\t I\t tilt\t my\t mouth\t up\t to\t his.\t He\t carefully\t takes\t my\t face\t in\t his","hands\t and\t he\t kisses\t me.\t A\t simultaneous\t shocked\t gasp\t rocks\t us.\t It\u2019s\t like\t we haven\u2019t\tkissed\tin\tan\teternity.\tHe\tpresses\tme\tagainst\tthe\tcar\tdoor\tand\tI\twhimper. Tongues,\tteeth,\tbreath. \u201cYou\ttaste\tlike\tmy\tEaster\tegg.\u201d \u201cPlease,\tplease.\tI\tneed\tyou\tso\tbadly.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll\t see\t you\t at\t work\t tomorrow,\u201d\t he\t replies.\t He\t turns\t me\t in\t his\t arms,\t and presses\t his\t mouth\t against\t the\t back\t of\t my\t neck.\t Even\t through\t my\t hair,\t the\t heat of\this\tbreath\tmakes\tme\tinhale\tso\thard\tit\u2019s\tmore\tof\ta\tsnort. \u201cIs\tthis\tan\tasshole\tcontrol-freak\tthing?\u201d\tI\twriggle\tfree. \u201cPossibly.\tSounds\tconsistent\twith\tmy\tcharacter.\u201d I\thave\ta\tthought.\t\u201cAre\tyou\tplanning\ton\tsexing\tme\tcomatose\ton\tthe\tmorning of\tthe\tinterview\tso\tyou\tbeat\tme?\u201d Josh\t puts\t his\t hands\t in\t his\t pockets.\t \u201cIt\u2019s\t worked\t for\t every\t other\t promotion I\u2019ve\tgotten\tin\tmy\tlife.\tWhy\tstop\tnow?\u201d \u201cYou\twant\tto\tmake\tsure\tI\u2019m\tall\tover\tyou\tlike\ta\trash\tat\tthe\twedding.\u201d Something\tabout\tthe\tlook\ton\this\tface\tmakes\tme\tstep\tback\tand\tpress\tmy\tback to\tthe\tcold\tdoor\tof\tmy\tcar. \u201cYou\thaven\u2019t\tlied\tand\ttold\tthem\tall\tabout\tthe\tbrain\tsurgeon\tyou\u2019re\tbetrothed to?\u201d He\tsmiles.\t\u201cDr.\tLucy\tHutton,\tMD.\tShe\u2019s\tbrilliant,\tyet\tunorthodox.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t serious.\t Answer\t the\t question.\t I\u2019m\t coming\t as\t me,\t aren\u2019t\t I?\t I\u2019m\t not supposed\tto\tbe\tacting?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d I\tbite\tmy\tthumb\tand\tlook\tdown\tthe\tstreet.\tWhy\tdo\tI\tfeel\tlike\the\u2019s\tlying? \u201cWell,\tI\u2019m\tbeginning\tto\tthink\tyou\u2019re\tleaving\tme\thorny\tto\tmake\tsure\tI\u2019ll\tkeep coming\tback\there.\tI\u2019m\tlike\ta\tcat.\tYou\u2019re\tleaving\tout\ta\tsaucer\tof\tcream.\u201d Josh\t laughs,\t a\t big\t proper\t laugh\t like\t I\u2019m\t hilarious.\t Delighted,\t irritated electricity\tfloods\tme.\tI\u2019m\tcrackling\twith\tit.\tIn\tthis\tmoment,\tI\u2019m\tmore\talive\tthan I\u2019ve\tever\tbeen. Fight\t with\t me,\t kiss\t me.\t Laugh\t at\t me.\t Tell\t me\t if\t you\u2019re\t sad.\t Don\u2019t\t make\t me go\thome. \u201cWe\u2019ll\t have\t to\t see\t if\t it\u2019s\t true.\t If\t you\u2019re\t back\t tomorrow\t night,\t I\u2019ll\t concede it\u2019s\t part\t of\t a\t deliberate\t strategy.\u201d\t He\t looks\t down\t at\t me\t with\t undisguised pleasure. The\tthought\tof\treturning\tdidn\u2019t\tproperly\toccur\tto\tme.\tThe\tfollowing\tday\tnow glows\twith\tpromise. \u201cOne\tmore.\u201d","He\tkisses\tmy\tcheek\tand\tI\tgroan\tin\tmisery. \u201cGet\toutta\there,\tShortcake.\tAnd\tremember,\tI\tdon\u2019t\twant\tto\tsee\tyou\tfreaking out\ttomorrow.\u201d I\t can\u2019t\t get\t my\t seat\t belt\t on\t properly.\t I\u2019m\t so\t wired\t it\u2019s\t like\t I\u2019m\t having\t drug withdrawals.\tHe\ttaps\tmy\twindow\tto\tmake\tme\tlock\tthe\tdoor. I\u2019m\thalfway\thome\twhen\ta\tscary\tthought\tcrystallizes. I\tcan\u2019t\twait\tfor\twork\ttomorrow. TODAY\tHIS\tSHIRT\tis\tthe\tcolor\tof\ta\tsaucer\tof\tcream. Act\tnatural,\tLucy.\tWalk\tin\tthere\tlike\tsex\ton\tlegs.\tNo\tawkwardness.\tGo. He\t looks\t at\t me,\t my\t ankle\t wobbles,\t and\t I\t drop\t my\t handbag.\t The\t lid\t of\t my lunchbox\t pops\t off\t and\t a\t tomato\t rolls\t across\t the\t floor.\t I\t drop\t to\t my\t hands\t and knees\tand\tmy\tstiletto\theel\tgets\tcaught\ton\tthe\tdangling\tbuckle\tbelt\tof\tmy\tcoat. \u201cCrap.\u201d\tI\ttry\tto\tcrawl. \u201cSmooth.\u201d\tJosh\tgets\tup\tand\twalks\tto\tme. \u201cShuddup.\u201d He\t unhooks\t my\t coat\t and\t gathers\t up\t my\t lunch,\t before\t holding\t a\t hand\t down to\tme.\tI\thesitate\tminutely\tbefore\tI\ttake\tit,\tletting\thim\thaul\tme\tup. \u201cCan\tI\trewind\tmy\tentrance?\u201d He\tpulls\tthe\tcoat\tfrom\tmy\tshoulders\tand\thangs\tit\tup\tfor\tme. Mr.\tBexley\u2019s\tdoor\tis\topen\tand\tthe\tlights\tare\ton.\tHelene\u2019s\ta\tlate\tstarter.\tShe\u2019s probably\tstill\tin\tbed. \u201cHow\twas\tyour\tevening,\tLucinda?\tYou\tlook\ttired.\u201d My\t stomach\t sinks\t in\t dismay\t at\t his\t impersonal\t tone\t until\t I\t look\t at\t his\t face and\t realize\t his\t eyes\t are\t lit\t with\t mischief.\t If\t Mr.\t Bexley\t is\t eavesdropping,\t he\u2019ll hear\tnothing\tout\tof\tthe\tordinary. This\t is\t a\t dangerous\t new\t game,\t the\t Act\t Natural\t Game,\t but\t I\u2019ll\t give\t it\t a\t try. \u201cOh,\tit\twas\tnice\tenough,\tI\tguess.\u201d \u201cNice.\t Hmm.\t Get\t up\t to\t anything\t interesting?\u201d\t He\u2019s\t got\t the\t pencil\t in\t his hand. \u201cI\tsat\ton\tthe\tcouch.\u201d He\tshifts\tin\this\tchair\tand\tI\tlook\tat\this\tlap. \u201cSerial\tkiller\teyes,\u201d\tI\tmouth\tat\thim.\tI\tsit\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\tmy\tdesk,\ttake\tout\tmy tube\tof\tFlamethrower\tand\tbegin\tto\tapply,\tusing\tthe\twall\tnearest\tme\tas\ta\tmirror. He\tlooks\tat\tmy\tlegs\twith\tsuch\tnaked\tlust\tI\tnearly\tsmudge\tit.\t\u201cAnd\twhat\tdid\tyou get\tup\tto,\tJosh?\u201d \u201cI\thad\ta\tdate.\tAt\tleast,\tI\tthink\tit\twas.\u201d","\u201cWhat\u2019s\tshe\tlike?\u201d \u201cClingy.\tShe\treally\tthrew\therself\tat\tme.\u201d I\tlaugh.\t\u201cClingy\tis\tnot\tan\tattractive\ttrait.\tI\thope\tyou\tkicked\ther\tout.\u201d \u201cI\tguess\tI\tsort\tof\tdid.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019ll\t learn\t her.\u201d\t I\t begin\t to\t gather\t my\t hair\t into\t a\t high\t bun\t before smoothing\tdown\tmy\tdress.\tIt\u2019s\ta\tfine\tcream\twool\tknit,\tstretchy\tand\twarm,\tand\tI admit\t I\t wore\t it\t to\t match\t his\t shirt.\t He\t likes\t prissy\t librarian\t Lucy?\t He\u2019s\t got\t it today. He\twatches\tmy\thands.\tI\twatch\this.\tThey\u2019re\twhite-knuckled. \u201cNot\t sure\t if\t I\u2019ll\t see\t her\t again,\t though.\u201d\t He\t sounds\t bored,\t and\t he\u2019s\t clicking his\t mouse\t on\t his\t computer.\t When\t his\t eyes\t cut\t sideways\t to\t mine,\t I\t flash\t to\t last night\tand\tmy\tinsides\tclench. \u201cMaybe\ttake\ther\tto\tyour\tbrother\u2019s\twedding?\tAlways\tgratifying\tto\twalk\tinto one\tof\tthose\tsituations\twith\ta\thot\tdate.\u201d We\t both\t look\t at\t each\t other,\t and\t I\t ease\t myself\t slowly\t into\t my\t chair.\t The Staring\tGame\thas\tnever\tfelt\tso\tdirty.\tThe\tphone\trings.\tI\tlook\tat\tthe\tcaller\tID\tand the\tword\tFUCK\tlights\tup\tin\tneon\tin\tmy\tbrain. Josh\ttakes\tone\tlook\tat\tmy\tface.\t\u201cIf\tit\u2019s\thim,\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\u2014\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tJulie.\u201d \u201cA\tbit\tearly\tfor\ther,\tisn\u2019t\tit?\tYou\u2019re\tgoing\tto\thave\tto\tbe\tfirm\twith\ther.\u201d\tThe phone\tcontinues\tringing,\tand\tringing. \u201cI\u2019ll\tlet\tit\tgo\tto\tvoice\tmail.\tI\u2019m\ttoo\ttired\tto\tdeal\twith\tthis\tnow.\u201d \u201cYou\twill\tnot.\u201d\tHe\tdials\tstar-nine\tand\tanswers\tmy\textension.\tThey\tteach\tcall center\t operators\t to\t smile\t when\t they\t answer\t a\t call.\t People\t can\t hear\t a\t smile\t in your\tvoice.\tJoshua\tneeds\tto\tlearn\tthis. \u201cLucinda\t Hutton\u2019s\t phone.\t Joshua\t speaking.\t Hold.\u201d\t He\t hits\t a\t button,\t and points\tat\tme\twith\this\treceiver.\t\u201cDo\tit.\tI\u2019m\twatching\tyou.\u201d We\tboth\twatch\tthe\thold\tlight\tflashing. I\u2019m\t still\t that\t smiling\t girl\t in\t the\t strawberry\t patch.\t Look\t at\t me,\t I\u2019m\t a\t good girl.\tI\u2019m\tthe\tsweet\tlittle\tthing,\tadored\tby\teveryone.\tNothing\tis\ttoo\tmuch\ttrouble. \u201cI\twant\tto\tsee\tyou\tbe\tas\tstrong\twith\tother\tpeople\tas\tyou\tare\twith\tme.\u201d I\t press\t the\t flashing\t button.\t \u201cHi,\t Julie,\t how\t are\t you?\u201d\t My\t ear\t nearly\t burns from\ther\tdeep\tsigh. \u201cHi,\tLucy.\tI\u2019m\tnot\twell.\tI\u2019m\tincredibly\ttired.\tI\tdon\u2019t\teven\tknow\twhy\tI\tcame in.\tI\u2019ve\tjust\tsat\tdown,\tand\talready\tthe\tscreen\tis\tkilling\tme.\u201d \u201cSorry\tto\thear\tthat.\u201d I\tlock\teyes\twith\tJosh.\tHe\tintensifies\this\teyes\tinto\tnarrowed\tscary\tblue\tlasers.","He\u2019s\t imbuing\t me\t with\t his\t powers.\t I\t am\t NOT\t going\t to\t care\t what\t excuses\t or requests\tshe\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tmake.\t\u201cWhat\tcan\tI\tdo\tfor\tyou\ttoday,\tJulie?\u201d\tProfessional, but\ta\thint\tof\twarmth\tin\tmy\ttone. \u201cI\u2019m\t supposed\t to\t be\t working\t on\t this\t thing\t for\t Alan,\t which\t he\u2019s\t going\t to polish\tup\tand\tsend\tup\tto\tyou.\u201d \u201cOh,\tyes.\tI\tneed\tit\tby\tclose\tof\tbusiness.\u201d Josh\tgives\tme\ta\tsarcastic\tthumbs-up. \u201cWell,\t I\u2019m\t having\t a\t bit\t of\t trouble\t finding\t some\t of\t the\t old\t reports\t in\t the network\t drive.\t It\t keeps\t saying\t shortcut\t moved.\t Anyway,\t I\u2019ve\t tried\t a\t bunch\t of things\tand\tI\tthink\tI\tneed\tto\tstep\taway,\tyou\tknow?\u201d \u201cAs\tlong\tas\tI\tget\tit\tby\tfive,\tit\u2019s\tfine.\u201d\tJosh\tlooks\tat\tthe\tceiling\tand\tshrugs.\tI thought\tI\twas\tbeing\tfirm\tthere,\tbut\the\u2019s\tunimpressed. \u201cI\t was\t hoping\t to\t go\t home\t and\t get\t it\t done\t first\t thing\t tomorrow,\t when\t I\u2019m fresher.\u201d \u201cDidn\u2019t\tyou\tjust\tget\there?\u201d\tAm\tI\tgoing\tcrazy?\tI\trecheck\tthe\tclock. \u201cI\t came\t in\t quickly\t to\t check\t my\t email.\u201d\t Her\t tone\t is\t that\t of\t an\t absolute trooper. \u201cAlan\tsaid\tit\twould\tbe\tokay\tif\tI\tcleared\tit\twith\tyou\tfirst.\u201d\tShe\u2019s\tjingling\ther car\tkeys\tin\tthe\tbackground. I\t steel\t myself\t with\t blue-laser\t strength.\t \u201cI\u2019m\t sorry,\t that\u2019s\t not\t going\t to\t work for\tme.\tI\tneed\tit\tby\tfive,\tplease.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t aware\t of\t the\t deadline,\u201d\t she\t counters,\t voice\t sharpening\t by\t one\t degree. \u201cI\u2019m\ttrying\tto\tlet\tyou\tknow\tAlan\tis\tnot\tgoing\tto\thave\tit\tto\tyou\ton\ttime.\u201d \u201cBut\t it\u2019s\t really\t you\t who\t needs\t the\t extension,\t not\t Alan.\u201d\t There\t is\t a\t long pause\twhile\tI\twait\tfor\ther\tto\tspeak. \u201cI\tthought\tyou\u2019d\tbe\ta\tbit\tmore\tflexible\ton\tthis.\u201d\tHer\ttone\tis\tslipping\tfurther into\tan\timpressive\tcombination\tof\tpetulance\tand\tice.\t\u201cI\tam\tunwell.\u201d \u201cIf\tyou\tdo\tneed\tto\tgo\thome,\u201d\tI\tbegin\tas\tI\twatch\tJoshua\u2019s\tbrow\ttransform\tinto a\tscowl,\t\u201cyou\u2019ll\tneed\tto\ttake\ttoday\tas\tsick\tleave,\tand\tbring\ta\tdoctor\u2019s\tnote.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t not\t going\t to\t the\t doctor\t for\t tiredness\t and\t a\t headache.\t He\u2019ll\t tell\t me\t to sleep.\tThat\u2019s\twhat\tI\twant\tto\tgo\tand\tdo.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t sympathetic\t if\t you\u2019re\t feeling\t unwell,\t but\t that\u2019s\t the\t HR\t policy.\u201d\t Josh smoothes\t his\t hand\t over\t his\t mouth\t to\t hide\t his\t grin.\t I\u2019m\t playing\t the\t HR\t Game with\tJulie. \u201cSympathetic?\tI\twouldn\u2019t\tcall\tthis\tsympathetic\tat\tall.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\tbeen\tfair\twith\tyou,\tJulie.\tI\u2019ve\tgiven\tyou\textensions\ta\tlot\tof\ttimes.\tBut\tI can\u2019t\tkeep\tstaying\tlate\tto\tfinish\tthese\treports.\u201d","Josh\tcircles\this\thand\tin\tthe\tair.\tI\tkeep\tgoing.\t\u201cIf\tit\u2019s\tlate,\tI\tend\tup\thaving\tto stay\tback.\u201d \u201cYou\tdon\u2019t\thave\tany\tfamily\there,\tor\ta\tboyfriend,\tdo\tyou?\tLate\tnights\tdon\u2019t affect\t you\t like\t they\t do\t for\t people\t with\t husbands\t and\t .\t .\t .\t well,\t people\t with families.\u201d \u201cWell,\tI\u2019m\tnot\tgoing\tto\tget\tmyself\ta\thusband\tor\ta\tlife\tif\tI\tkeep\tstaying\tuntil nine\to\u2019clock\tat\tnight,\tnow\tam\tI?\tI\u2019ll\texpect\tthe\treport\tfrom\tAlan\tat\tfive.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve\tspent\ttoo\tmuch\ttime\tin\tthe\tcompany\tof\tthat\thorrible\tJoshua.\u201d \u201cApparently\t so.\t Also,\t I\t can\u2019t\t do\t the\t internship\t for\t your\t niece,\t it\u2019s\t not convenient\tfor\tme.\u201d\tI\tterminate\tthe\tcall. Joshua\tlies\tback\tin\this\tchair\tand\tstarts\tlaughing.\t\u201cWell,\tshit.\u201d \u201cI\twas\tamazing,\twasn\u2019t\tI.\tDid\tyou\tsee\tme?\u201d\tI\tpunch\tthe\tair\tand\tmime\tgiving Julie\t an\t uppercut.\t Josh\t rests\t his\t folded\t hands\t on\t his\t stomach\t and\t watches\t me shadowbox\tmy\treflection. \u201cTake\tthat,\tJulie,\tand\tyour\tlife\tand\thusband\tand\tyour\tphony\tsleep\tdisorder.\u201d \u201cLet\tit\tall\tout.\u201d \u201cTake\tthat,\tJulie,\tand\tyour\tme-graines.\u201d \u201cYou\treally\twere\tamazing.\u201d \u201cTake\tthat,\tJulie,\tand\tyour\tFrench\tmanicure.\u201d \u201cOkay.\u201d\t He\u2019s\t smiling\t at\t me,\t openly,\t in\t this\t exact\t office\t that\t was\t once\t a battlefield,\t and\t I\t flop\t back\t down\t into\t my\t chair\t and\t close\t my\t eyes\t and\t feel\t the glow\t of\t his\t pleasure\t from\t across\t the\t marble\t superhighway.\t So\t this\t is\t what\t it feels\tlike.\tThis\tis\twhat\tit\tcould\thave\tbeen\tlike,\tall\tthis\ttime.\tIt\twasn\u2019t\ttoo\tlate. \u201cNo\tmore\tlate\tnights\tfor\tme.\tI\u2019ve\tprobably\ttotally\tdestroyed\tmy\trelationship with\ther,\tbut\tit\twas\tso\tworth\tit.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ll\thave\ta\tlife\tand\ta\thusband\tin\tno\ttime.\u201d \u201cNo\t time\t at\t all.\t Probably\t by\t next\t week.\t I\t hope\t he\u2019s\t super\t nice.\u201d\t I\t open\t my eyes\t and\t the\t way\t he\t looks\t at\t me\t makes\t me\t wish\t I\t hadn\u2019t\t said\t it.\t We\t both hesitate,\tand\this\teyes\tflick\tsideways.\tI\u2019ve\tinterrupted\tour\tflow. \u201cPlease,\t let\t me\t enjoy\t this\t moment.\t Joshua\t Templeman\t is\t officially\t my friend.\u201d\tI\tlink\tmy\tfingers\tand\tstretch\tmy\tarms\tover\tmy\thead. \u201cI\u2019m\t going\t for\t my\t breakfast\t meeting.\t Josh,\t I\t need\t those\t figures\t by\t lunch,\u201d Mr.\t Bexley\t says,\t walking\t in\t between\t us.\t I\t think\t we\t all\t know\t this\t breakfast meeting\tis\twith\ta\tplate\tof\tbacon. \u201cThey\u2019re\talready\tdone;\tI\u2019ll\temail\tthem\tthrough\tnow.\u201d Mr.\t Bexley\t harrumphs,\t I\t suppose\t his\t best\t attempt\t at\t thanks\t or\t praise,\t and then\tturns\tto\tme.","\u201cGood\tmorning,\tLucy.\tNice\tdress\tyou\u2019ve\tgot\ton\tthere.\u201d \u201cThanks.\u201d Ugh. \u201cGot\tyour\tnails\tsharpened,\tdo\tyou\tthen?\tInterviews\tcoming\tsoon.\tTicktock.\u201d He\tambles\tto\tthe\tedge\tof\tmy\tdesk\tand\tperuses\tme\tfrom\tthe\tneck\tdown.\tI\tresist the\t urge\t to\t cross\t my\t arms\t over\t myself.\t I\t don\u2019t\t know\t how\t Mr.\t Bexley\t hasn\u2019t noticed\tJosh\u2019s\tmurderous\tglare\trefracted\tdozens\tof\ttimes.\tHe\tcontinues\this\tusual gimlet-eyed\tassessment\tof\tmy\tappearance. \u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tto\this\tboss,\tvoice\tmetallic. \u201cI\u2019m\t pretty\t well\t prepared\t for\t the\t interview.\u201d\t I\t look\t down\t at\t my\t front.\t \u201cMr. Bexley,\twhat\tare\tyou\tlooking\tat?\u201d I\t calmly\t level\t my\t eyes\t at\t Mr.\t Bexley,\t and\t he\t physically\t jolts.\t He\t quickly averts\t his\t eyes\t and\t begins\t to\t comb\t his\t fingers\t through\t his\t sparse\t hair,\t his\t face burnished\tred. Man,\tI\tkick\tass\ttoday. Josh\t clenches\t his\t jaw\t and\t looks\t down\t at\t his\t glass\t desk\t so\t angrily\t I\u2019m surprised\tit\tdoesn\u2019t\tshatter. \u201cFrom\t the\t little\t sneak\t peek\t I\t had\t in\t Helene\u2019s\t office,\t I\t do\t think\t you\u2019re\t well prepared.\tDoctor\tJosh,\twe\tmay\tneed\tto\tdiscuss\tstrategy.\u201d Holy\t shit.\t He\u2019s\t going\t to\t tell\t Joshua\t about\t my\t project.\t I\t swing\t my\t panicked stare\tto\tJosh,\twho\tlooks\tat\this\tboss\tlike\the\tis\tan\tabsolute\tidiot. And\t then\t he\t reminds\t me\t that\t no,\t he\t is\t not\t my\t friend,\t and\t no\t matter\t how much\t kissing\t we\t do\t on\t his\t couch,\t we\u2019re\t still\t in\t the\t middle\t of\t our\t biggest competition. \u201cI\u2019m\tnot\tgoing\tto\tneed\tany\thelp\tbeating\ther.\u201d","Chapter\t18 He\u2019s\tcold\tas\tice\tand\tthe\ttone\tgives\tme\tflashbacks.\tHe\tsays\tit\tlike\tit\tis\tthe\tmost ridiculous\t thing\t he\u2019s\t ever\t heard.\t Silly\t little\t Lucy\t Hutton,\t impossible\t to\t take seriously,\t and\t absolutely\t no\t match\t for\t Joshua\t Templeman\t in\t any\t arena.\t I\u2019m\t a joke.\tI\u2019m\tnot\tgetting\tthe\tjob,\tbecause\twhy\twould\tI?\tI\thave\tto\tbe\tcoached\tthrough a\tphone\tcall. \u201cMaybe\t not,\u201d\t Mr.\t Bexley\t muses.\t Clearly\t pleased\t to\t have\t kicked\t over\t two beehives,\the\tplods\toff.\tAs\the\twaits\tfor\tthe\televator,\the\tlooks\tback\tat\tus. \u201cBut\tthen\tagain,\tDoctor\tJosh,\tyou\tmay\twant\tto\trethink\tthat.\u201d The\t elevator\t door\t closes\t as\t Josh\u2019s\t silently\t mouthed\t Fuck\t you\t fragments around\tus.\tThen\the\tlooks\tat\tme. \u201cI\twas\tlying.\u201d The\tsilence\trings\tlike\tcrystal\twineglasses\ttouched\ttogether. \u201cWell,\t you\u2019re\t quite\t a\t good\t actor.\t I\t sure\t believed\t it.\u201d\t I\t pick\t up\t my\t bottle\t of water\t and\t sip,\t trying\t to\t ease\t the\t angry\t tightness\t in\t my\t throat.\t I\u2019m\t actually grateful\tto\thim.\tThis\tis\twhat\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tmissing.\tWe\u2019re\ttwo\tracehorses\tpounding toward\tthe\tfinish\tline.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tflagging,\t but\tI\u2019ve\tjust\tfelt\tthe\tfirst\tlash\tof\tthe whip.\tI\tneed\tto\thold\ton\tto\tthis\tfeeling\tuntil\tI\twalk\tout\tof\tthe\tinterview. \u201cI\t always\t have\t been.\t I\t was\t mad\t at\t him\t for\t looking\t at\t you\t like\t that\t and\t it came\tout\twrong.\tI\u2019ve\tgot\ta\tbad\thabit\tof\tsnapping.\tLook\tat\tme,\tLuce.\u201d When\tI\tdo,\the\trepeats\thimself\tslowly.\t\u201cI\tdid\tnot\tmean\tit.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tall\tright.\tIt\u2019s\twhat\tI\tneeded.\u201d\tI\tuse\tthe\tsame\tflat,\ticy\ttone\tthat\the\u2019d\tjust used\twith\tBexley.\tI\thave\tno\tidea\thow\tI\tcan\tmake\tmy\tvoice\tso\tcold\twhen\tanger feels\tlike\ta\tblowtorch\tin\tmy\tchest.\tI\u2019m\ta\tgood\tactor\ttoo. His\t forehead\t has\t his\t trademark\t crease\t of\t concern.\t \u201cYou\t needed\t that?\t Me being\tan\tasshole?\tIt\u2019s\tall\tyou\tseem\tto\tget\tfrom\tme.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve\tjust\tgiven\tme\twhat\tI\tneeded\tto\thear.\u201d Life\t is\t all\t about\t perspective,\t and\t if\t I\t choose\t to\t believe\t I\u2019ve\t just\t received\t a boost\tto\tmy\tmotivation\tfrom\tmy\tcompetitor,\tI\tcan\tignore\tmy\tbruised\tpride.\tI\tam going\tto\tkeep\tmy\tfocus\tforward.\tMy\tfocus\tis\tnow\ta\tlaser\tbeam\tthat\the\thas\tgiven","me. My\t computer\t chimes.\t Five\t minutes\t until\t I\t have\t my\t meeting\t with\t Danny\t to discuss\tworking\ton\tmy\tebook\tproject. \u201cWait.\tWe\tneed\tto\tclear\tthis\tup.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tquite\texplain\tit\tyet,\tthough.\u201d\tHis\tface twists\tin\tagitation.\t\u201cThe\ttiming\tis\tall\toff.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tmean\tit\tthe\tway\tit\tsounded.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tgoing\tout.\u201d\tI\tbegin\tgathering\tmy\tbag\tand\tcoat. \u201cAnd\t where\t are\t you\t going?\t In\t case\t Helene\t asks\t me,\u201d\t he\t amends.\t He\t looks miserable.\t\u201cAre\tyou\tcoming\tback?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tmeeting\tsomeone\tfor\tcoffee.\u201d \u201cWell,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tafter\ta\tsecond.\t\u201cI\tcan\u2019t\tstop\tyou.\u201d \u201cThank\t you\t for\t allowing\t me\t to\t do\t my\t job.\u201d\t After\t spitefully\t pushing\t his\t in- trays\tcrooked\tI\tmarch\tto\tthe\televator. I\t walk\t to\t the\t Starbucks\t across\t the\t street.\t The\t thing\t about\t being\t in\t combat with\tJoshua\tTempleman?\tI\tnever\ttruly\twin.\tThat\u2019s\twhat\tis\tso\tdeceptive\tabout\tit all.\tThe\tmoment\tI\tthink\tI\u2019ve\twon,\tsomething\thappens\tto\tremind\tme\tI\thaven\u2019t. Please,\tlet\tme\tenjoy\tthis\tmoment.\tJoshua\tTempleman\tis\tofficially\tmy\tfriend. It\u2019s\tnothing\tbut\twin,\tthen\tlose,\tlose,\tlose. Danny\u2019s\talready\tat\ta\tseat\tby\tthe\twindow.\tThe\tfact\tI\u2019m\tlate\tis\tanother\tnail\tin my\tprofessionalism\u2019s\tcoffin. \u201cHi.\tThanks\tfor\tmeeting\tme.\tSorry\tI\u2019m\tlate.\u201d I\torder\tcoffee\tand\tthen\tbriefly\toutline\tmy\tidea. \u201cI\u2019ve\t got\t time\t this\t weekend,\u201d\t Danny\t offers\t nobly.\t He\u2019s\t been\t looking\t at\t me with\t undisguised\t interest;\t my\t tied-up\t hair,\t my\t bare\t throat\t and\t the\t red\t of\t my mouth.\tI\thave\ta\tbad\tfeeling\the\u2019s\thoping\tour\tbad\tkiss\twas\ta\tblip. \u201cI\u2019d\tbe\tpaying\tyou\tout\tof\tmy\town\tpocket.\tCan\tyou\tgive\tme\tan\tidea\tof\thow much?\u201d Danny\tdoesn\u2019t\tlook\tconcerned.\t\u201cWhy\tdon\u2019t\twe\tmake\ta\tdeal.\tCredit\tmy\twork in\tthe\tinterview\tand\tmention\tmy\tnew\tself-publishing\tsoftware\tto\tHelene.\tThere may\t be\t some\t cross-functionalities\t that\t could\t suit\t your\t project.\t And\t .\t .\t .\t three hundred\tbucks.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s\tfine,\tand\tof\tcourse\tI\twill,\u201d\tI\trush\tto\tassure\thim.\tThis\tis\tsomething\tI can\tdo.\tGive\thim\ta\tlittle\texposure\tto\tthe\texec,\tand\thelp\tbuild\this\tbusiness. A\t couple\t of\t B&G\t people\t are\t queuing\t for\t coffee\t and\t look\t at\t us\t with speculative\t glances.\t Another\t walks\t past\t on\t the\t street\t and\t waves\t at\t me.\t I\u2019m sitting\t in\t a\t big\t glass\t fishbowl.\t My\t cheeks\t start\t to\t burn\t when\t I\t think\t about everything\t I\u2019ve\t said\t and\t done\t with\t Joshua\t on\t the\t top\t floor.\t The\t barbs,\t the insults,\t the\t circuit-frying\t kisses.\t In\t our\t own\t isolated\t little\t world,\t everything","seemed\tso\tnormal\tand\tacceptable. \u201cThanks\tfor\tthinking\tof\tme\ton\tthis.\u201d\tDanny\tsips\this\tcoffee. \u201cWell,\t after\t our\t dinner\t on\t Monday\t I\t knew\t I\t could\t trust\t you\t with\t my\t little secret.\t And\t like\t you\t said,\t I\t needed\t some\t help\t and\t you\t were\t the\t first\t person\t I thought\tof.\u201d \u201cOh,\tso\tit\u2019s\ta\tsecret?\u201d \u201cHelene\t knows,\t of\t course.\t Mr.\t Bexley\t knows\t about\t the\t project\t concept\t but not\tthe\tactual\tfinished\tproduct\tI\u2019m\thoping\tto\tpresent.\u201d I\twish\tI\tdidn\u2019t\thave\tto\tsay\tthis\tnext\tpart,\tand\tI\u2019m\tsad\tat\thow\tmessed\tup\tthis situation\thas\tgotten. \u201cI\t need\t to\t ask\t you\t to\t please,\t don\u2019t\t say\t anything\t to\t Josh.\t I\t know\t you\t won\u2019t see\thim\tagain,\tbut\tlet\u2019s\tkeep\tit\tbetween\tus.\tHe\u2019s\tso\tsure\the\u2019s\tgetting\tthe\tjob.\tIt\u2019s more\timportant\tthan\tever\tI\tbeat\thim.\u201d \u201cI\twon\u2019t.\tBut,\tactually,\the\u2019s\tover\tthere.\u201d \u201cWhat?\u201d\tI\tnearly\tscream\tit.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tturn\taround.\t\u201cAct\tbusinesslike.\u201d\tI\tdraw\ta diagram\ton\tmy\tnotepad\tand\tDanny\tdraws\tsome\tslashy\tlines\ton\tit. \u201cWhat\t is\t his\t deal?\t He\t always\t looks\t furious.\u201d\t Danny\t shakes\t his\t head\t at\t my notepad\tand\twe\tdo\ta\tbit\tmore\tbusiness-miming. \u201cThat\u2019s\this\tface.\u201d \u201cYou\tguys\thave\ta\tweird\tdynamic\tgoing\ton.\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s\t no\t dynamic.\t No\t dynamic.\u201d\t I\t begin\t swigging\t at\t my\t coffee.\t It\u2019s\t too hot\tand\ta\tterrible\tidea. \u201cBut\tyou\tknow\the\u2019s\tin\tlove\twith\tyou,\tright?\u201d I\tinhale\tmy\thuge\tmouthful\tand\tbegin\tto\tdrown\ton\tdry\tland.\tDanny\tleans\tover and\tthumps\tme\tbetween\tmy\tshoulder\tblades.\tTears\tare\tstreaming\tdown\tmy\tface. I\twish\the\u2019d\tlet\tme\tdie. \u201cHe\u2019s\tnot,\u201d\tI\twheeze.\tI\tuse\ta\tnapkin\tto\twipe\tmy\tface.\t\u201cThat\tis\tthe\tstupidest thing\tI\u2019ve\tever\theard.\tEver.\u201d \u201cAs\t your\t friend,\u201d\t Danny\t articulates\t with\t a\t little\t smile,\t \u201cI\u2019m\t telling\t you\t he is.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s\the\tdoing?\u201d \u201cScaring\tthe\tcashier\tshitless.\tPeople\tare\tconcerned\tabout\thow\tthings\twill\tbe if\the\tgets\tthe\tjob.\tWe\tknow\thow\tgood\tat\tcutting\tstaff\the\tis.\tA\tfew\tguys\tin\tdesign are\tbrushing\tup\ttheir\tCVs,\tin\tcase.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tsure\the\u2019d\tbe\tfine\tto\twork\tfor.\u201d\tI\tmuster\tmy\tdiplomacy.\tI\twon\u2019t\tstoop\tto Josh\u2019s\tlevel.\tI\tstand\tup\tand\tgather\tmy\tthings. \u201cLet\u2019s\tsay\thi\tto\thim,\u201d\tDanny\tsays\tand\tI\u2019m\tpretty\tsure\the\u2019s\tmessing\twith\tme.","His\tmouth\tis\tlifted\tinto\ta\thalf\tsmile. \u201cNo,\twe\u2019re\tgoing\tto\tclimb\tout\tthe\tbathroom\twindow.\tQuick.\u201d He\t laughs\t and\t shakes\t his\t head.\t Once\t again,\t I\u2019m\t impressed\t by\t his\t bravery. Everyone\t else\t tries\t to\t avoid\t the\t monster\t in\t their\t midst.\t But\t I\t do\t know\t a\t secret about\tJosh.\tI\tthink\tof\thim\tlast\tnight,\ttaking\tmy\tpulse,\tcounting\teach\tbeat\tof\tmy heart.\tCovering\tme\twith\ta\tblanket,\ttucking\tmy\tfeet\tin.\tIt\u2019s\tquite\tremarkable\thow he\u2019s\tmanaged\tto\tmaintain\tthis\tfrightening\tfa\u00e7ade\tfor\tso\tlong. \u201cHi,\u201d\twe\tboth\tsay\tin\tunison\tas\twe\tapproach. \u201cWell,\thello,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tarchly. \u201cQuit\t stalking\t so\t much.\u201d\t My\t tone\t is\t so\t aggrieved\t that\t the\t girl\t at\t the\t coffee machine\tlaughs\tout\tloud. Josh\tfixes\this\tcuff.\t\u201cMissed\teach\tother,\tdid\tyou?\u201d I\tam\tlasering\tthe\tword\tSECRET\tinto\tDanny\u2019s\tbrain.\tI\traise\tmy\teyebrows\tand he\tnods.\tJosh\twatches\tthis\texchange. \u201cLucy\u2019s\ttalking\tto\tme\tabout\tan\t.\t.\t.\topportunity\tto\t.\t.\t.\twork\twith\ther.\u201d\tDanny is\ta\tgenius.\tNothing\tis\tmore\tbelievable\tthan\tthe\ttruth. \u201cThat\u2019s\t right.\t Danny\u2019s\t helping\t me\t with\t my\t .\t .\t .\t presentation.\u201d\t We\t couldn\u2019t seem\tmore\tshady\tif\twe\ttried. \u201cYou\u2019re\t working\t on\t your\t presentation.\t Right.\t Okay.\u201d\t Josh\t takes\t his\t coffee when\t his\t name\t is\t called\t and\t gives\t such\t an\t accusing\t look\t my\t face\t nearly\t melts off.\t\u201cAnd\twere\twe\tdoing\tthat\ttoo,\tLucinda?\tLast\tnight\ton\tmy\tcouch?\u201d Danny\u2019s\t jaw\t hits\t the\t floor.\t I\t am\t not\t amused.\t If\t this\t got\t out,\t my\t reputation would\tbe\tin\tshreds.\tIt\u2019s\ttoo\tjuicy.\tDanny\u2019s\tstill\tin\tcontact\twith\ttoo\tmany\tpeople in\tdesign.\tAnd\the\u2019s\talso\ta\tsticky-nosed\tgossip\thound. \u201cIn\tyour\tdreams,\tTempleman.\tIgnore\thim,\tDanny.\tWalk\tback\twith\tme.\u201d I\t tug\t Danny\t ahead\t so\t he\t doesn\u2019t\t get\t tossed\t into\t oncoming\t traffic.\t Josh follows\tat\ta\tlanguid\tpace,\tsipping\this\tcoffee.\tI\u2019m\tholding\tDanny\u2019s\tarm\tso\ttightly he\twinces\tas\tI\tdrag\thim\tacross\tthe\troad. \u201cEven\t if\t he\t kidnaps\t and\t tortures\t you,\t don\u2019t\t tell\t him\t what\t you\u2019re\t doing\t for me.\tHe\u2019ll\tuse\tevery\tbit\tof\tinformation\the\tcan\tto\tscrew\tme.\u201d \u201cWow,\tyou\tguys\treally\tare\tmortal\tenemies.\u201d \u201cYep,\tto\tthe\tdeath.\tPistols\tand\tswords\tat\tdawn.\u201d \u201cSo\the\u2019s\tdoing\tthis\tto\ttry\tto\tfind\tout\tyour\tinterview\tstrategy?\u201d\tDanny\tsays\thi to\ta\tcolleague\tand\tchecks\this\tphone. \u201cExactly!\u201d\tI\tlet\tout\ta\tnervous\twhinny.\tI\tthink\teverything\tis\tcovered\tup.\t\u201cI\u2019ll call\t you\t after\t work\t once\t I\u2019ve\t worked\t out\t what\t book\t I\t want\t you\t to\t format\t for me.\u201d","Josh\t is\t nearly\t upon\t us.\t I\u2019m\t beginning\t to\t think\t I\t might\t toss\t Danny\t into oncoming\ttraffic\tmyself\tto\tend\tthis\tagonizing\tlittle\ttableau. \u201cOkay,\ttalk\tto\tyou\ttonight.\tBye,\tJosh.\tGood\tluck\tin\tyour\tinterview.\u201d\tDanny continues\talong\tthe\tfootpath. Josh\tand\tI\tdon\u2019t\tsay\ta\tword\tto\teach\tother\tas\twe\tget\tinto\tthe\televator.\tHe\u2019s\tso livid\tit\u2019s\ta\tvisceral\tthing.\tMeanwhile,\tI\u2019m\tstill\tpartially\tdeceased\tby\twhat\tDanny said.\tYou\tknow\the\u2019s\tin\tlove\twith\tyou,\tright? \u201cHe\u2019s\tso\tnice.\tWhat\ta\tnice\tguy.\tI\tthink\tI\tget\twhat\tyou\tsee\tin\thim.\u201d\tHe\tspeaks so\tsharply\tI\tbump\tbackward.\t\u201cI\tmust\thave\thad\ta\tvivid\tdream\tlast\tnight.\u201d \u201cHey,\twhat\tcan\tI\tsay?\tI\tlied.\tI\u2019m\ta\tgood\tactor.\u201d\tI\tspread\tmy\tarms\twide\tand push\tahead\tto\tmy\tdesk. \u201cSo,\tyou\u2019re\tembarrassed\tof\tme?\u201d \u201cNo.\t Of\t course\t not.\t But\t no\t one\t can\t know.\t I\t think\t he\u2019s\t a\t gossip.\t Oh,\t don\u2019t give\tme\tthat\tsourpuss\tface.\tPeople\twill\ttalk\tabout\tus.\u201d \u201cNewsflash,\t people\t have\t always\t talked\t about\t us.\t And\t you\t don\u2019t\t care\t if people\ttalk\tabout\tyou\tand\thim,\tbut\tnot\tyou\tand\tme?\u201d \u201cYou\tand\tI\twork\tten\tfeet\tfrom\teach\tother.\tIt\u2019s\tdifferent.\tI\twant\tto\treestablish some\tlevel\tof\tprofessionalism\tin\tthis\toffice.\u201d Josh\tpinches\tthe\tbridge\tof\this\tnose.\t\u201cFine.\tI\u2019ll\tplay\tit\tyour\tway.\tIf\tthis\tis\tthe last\t personal\t conversation\t we\t ever\t have\t in\t this\t building,\t then\t I\u2019ll\t tell\t you\t now. Bring\tyour\tbag\ton\tFriday.\u201d \u201cWhat?\tWhat\u2019s\thappening\ton\tFriday?\u201d \u201cBring\tin\tyour\tstuff\tfor\tthe\twedding.\tYour\tdress\tand\tstuff.\u201d At\t my\t walleyed\t stare,\t he\t reminds\t me.\t \u201cYou\u2019re\t coming\t to\t my\t brother\u2019s wedding.\tYou\tinsisted,\tremember?\u201d \u201cWait,\twhy\tam\tI\tbringing\tmy\tdress\ton\tFriday?\tThe\twedding\tis\ton\tSaturday. Is\tthere\ta\trehearsal?\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tagree\tto\tgo\tto\tthe\twedding\ttwice.\u201d \u201cNo.\tThe\twedding\tis\tat\tPort\tWorth\tand\twe\thave\tto\tdrive\tthere.\u201d I\tlook\tat\thim,\tdoubtful.\t\u201cThat\u2019s\tnot\ttoo\tfar\taway.\u201d \u201cFar\t enough\t away\t that\t we\t need\t to\t leave\t after\t work.\t Mom\t needs\t my\t help with\ta\tfew\tthings\tthe\tnight\tbefore.\u201d I\u2019m\t filled\t to\t the\t brim\t with\t annoyance,\t terror,\t hurt\t feelings,\t and\t absolute certainty\tthis\tis\tgoing\tto\tbe\ta\tdisaster.\tWe\tstare\tinto\teach\tother\u2019s\teyes. \u201cI\t knew\t you\t wouldn\u2019t\t be\t happy\t but\t I\t also\t wasn\u2019t\t expecting\t such\t complete horror.\u201d\tJosh\tleans\tback\tin\this\tchair\tand\tassesses\tme.\t\u201cDon\u2019t\tfreak\tout.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ve\t never\t even\t gone\t to\t a\t movie\t together,\t or\t to\t a\t restaurant.\t I\t was nervous\t getting\t a\t ride\t in\t your\t car.\t And\t now\t you\u2019re\t telling\t me\t I\u2019m\t driving","several\thours\twith\tyou\tand\tto\tbring\tmy\tpj\u2019s?\tWhere\tare\twe\tstaying?\u201d \u201cProbably\ta\tseedy\thotel.\u201d I\t am\t close\t to\t hyperventilating.\t I\t am\t this\t close\t to\t running\t down\t the\t fire escape.\t I\u2019ve\t had\t a\t fair\t idea\t we\u2019d\t at\t some\t point\t get\t around\t to\t playing\t the\t Or Something\t Game.\t I\t imagined\t it\t in\t his\t blue\t bedroom,\t or\t while\t hissing\t hurtful insults\tat\thim\tin\tthe\tcleaner\u2019s\tcloset.\tBut\ttoo\tmuch\thas\thappened\ttoday. \u201cI\twas\tkidding,\tLucy.\tI\thave\tto\ttalk\tto\tmy\tmom\tabout\twhere\twe\u2019re\tstaying.\u201d \u201cI\t didn\u2019t\t properly\t think\t about\t meeting\t your\t parents.\t Look,\t I\u2019m\t not\t coming. You\twere\ta\treal\tasshole\tto\tme\tjust\tnow,\tremember?\tYou\tdon\u2019t\tneed\thelp\tbeating me,\tremember?\tI\u2019d\thave\tto\tbe\tcrazy\tto\thelp\tyou\tnow.\tGo\tby\tyourself\tlike\ta\tbig loser.\u201d \u201cYou\tmade\tthe\tcommitment.\tYou\tpromised.\tYou\tnever\tbreak\tyour\tword.\u201d I\tshrug\tand\tmy\tmoral\tfibers\tstrain\tuncomfortably.\t\u201cLike\tI\tcare.\u201d He\tdecides\tto\tplay\this\tace\tcard.\t\u201cYou\u2019re\tmy\tdesignated\tmoral\tsupport.\u201d It\tis\tthe\tmost\tintriguing\tthing\the\tcould\thave\tgone\twith.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tresist. \u201cWhy\t exactly\t do\t you\t need\t moral\t support?\u201d\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t answer,\t but\t shifts uncomfortably\tin\this\tseat. I\traise\tmy\teyebrows\tuntil\the\trelents. \u201cI\u2019m\tnot\tdragging\tyou\talong\tas\tmy\tsex\tslave.\tI\twon\u2019t\tlay\ta\tfinger\ton\tyou.\tI just\t can\u2019t\t walk\t in\t without\t a\t date.\t And\t that\u2019s\t you.\t You\t owe\t me,\t remember?\t I helped\tyou\tvomit.\u201d He\tlooks\tso\tgrim\tI\thave\ta\tchill\tof\tforeboding. \u201cMoral\tsupport?\tWill\tit\tbe\tso\tbad?\u201d His\tcell\tbegins\tto\tring,\tand\the\tlooks\tbetween\tit\tand\tme,\ttorn. \u201cThe\tissue\there\tis\ttiming.\tI\thave\tto\ttake\tthis.\u201d He\t walks\t down\t the\t hallway,\t and\t I\t resign\t myself\t to\t looking\t up\t the\t route, because\tunfortunately\tit\u2019s\ttrue.\tI\tpromised. ONCE,\t A\t TINY\t eternity\t ago,\t I\t could\t lie\t on\t my\t couch\t like\t any\t other\t person.\t I could\twatch\tTV,\teat\tsnacks,\tand\tpaint\tmy\tnails.\tI\tcould\tcall\tVal\tand\twe\u2019d\tgo\ttry on\t clothes.\t But\t now\t that\t I\u2019m\t an\t addict,\t I\t have\t to\t hang\t on\t to\t the\t cushions\t with my\t chipped\t fingernails\t to\t stop\t myself\t from\t standing\t up,\t putting\t shoes\t on,\t and running\tto\tJosh\u2019s\tbuilding.\tThe\teffort\tis\tmaking\tme\tache.\tI\tweigh\tmyself\tdown with\t my\t laptop\t on\t my\t chest\t and\t halfheartedly\t flick\t between\t news\t sites,\t my interview\tpresentation,\tSmurf\tauctions,\tand\tmy\tfavorite\tretro-dork\tclothing\tsite. I\tget\ta\tpop-up\tnotification\tthat\tmy\tparents\thave\tjust\tlogged\tinto\tSkype,\tand\tI dial\t so\t quickly\t that\t it\u2019s\t a\t little\t embarrassing.\t My\t mother\t appears\t onscreen,","frowning\tand\ttoo\tclose. \u201cStupid\tthing,\u201d\tshe\tmutters,\tand\tthen\tbrightens.\t\u201cSmurfette!\tHow\tare\tyou?\u201d \u201cFine,\t how\t are\t you?\u201d\t Before\t she\t replies\t the\t screen\t fills\t with\t the\t fly\t of\t her jeans\t as\t she\t stands\t up\t and\t calls\t out\t repeatedly\t to\t my\t dad\t for\t one\t very\t long minute.\tNigel!\tNigel!\tEven\tthe\tfamiliar\ttone\tand\tcadence\ther\tvoice\ttakes\thas\tme shriveling\tin\thomesickness.\tFinally,\tshe\tgives\tup. \u201cHe\t must\t still\t be\t out\t in\t the\t field,\u201d\t she\t tells\t me,\t sitting\t back\t down.\t \u201cHe\u2019ll wander\tin\tsoon.\u201d We\tlook\tat\teach\tother\tfor\ta\tlong\tmoment.\tIt\u2019s\tso\trare\tto\thave\ther\tto\tmyself, without\t my\t dad\u2019s\t gale-force\t personality\t propelling\t the\t conversation,\t that\t I hardly\tknow\twhere\tto\tstart.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tseem\tto\ttalk\tabout\tthe\tweather,\tor\thow\tbusy I\u2019ve\t been.\t As\t her\t shrewd\t blue\t eyes\t narrow\t as\t I\t choose\t my\t words,\t I\t realize\t I\u2019d better\task\tthe\tquestion\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\ttorturing\tmyself\twith\tfor\tthese\tlast\tfew\tweeks, and\tperhaps\tall\tof\tmy\tlife.\tIt\u2019s\tsomething\tI\tshould\thave\tasked\ther\tyears\tago. \u201cBefore\tI\twas\tborn,\tand\twhen\tyou\tmet\tDad\t.\t.\t.\thow\tcould\tyou\tgive\tup\tyour dream?\u201d The\t question\t clangs\t in\t the\t dead\t static\t air\t between\t her\t and\t me.\t She\t doesn\u2019t speak\t for\t a\t long\t moment,\t and\t I\t think\t maybe\t I\u2019ve\t said\t something\t I\t really shouldn\u2019t.\tWhen\tshe\tlocks\teyes\tagain\twith\tme,\ther\tgaze\tis\tsteady\tand\tresolute. \u201cIf\tyou\u2019re\tasking\tme\tif\tI\tregret\tmy\tchoice?\tNo.\u201d\tShe\tsits\tback\tinto\ther\tchair, I\t sit\t up\t properly\t on\t the\t couch,\t and\t suddenly\t it\u2019s\t like\t there\u2019s\t no\t screen\t between us.\t No\t frame\t surrounding\t her\t face,\t or\t mine,\t and\t no\t strangely\t intrusive\t preview screen\t distracting\t us\t with\t our\t own\t faces.\t I\t feel\t like\t I\t could\t reach\t out\t and\t take her\t hand.\t It\u2019s\t the\t closest\t we\u2019ve\t been\t since\t I\t saw\t her\t last,\t when\t I\t hugged\t her\t at the\t airport\t and\t breathed\t her\t shampoo\t and\t sunshine\t smell.\t I\t watch\t her\t thinking, and\tthe\tclock\tis\tticking\tbefore\tmy\tdad\twalks\tin\tand\tinterrupts. \u201cHow\t can\t I\t regret\t it\t for\t a\t second?\t I\t have\t your\t father,\t and\t I\t have\t you.\u201d\t It\u2019s the\t answer\t and\t the\t smile\t I\t knew\t she\u2019d\t give\t me.\t How\t can\t she\t say\t anything differently? \u201cBut\tdon\u2019t\tyou\twonder\twhere\tyou\u2019d\tbe\tnow\tif\tyou\tchose\tyour\tcareer\tinstead of\thim?\u201d She\t avoids\t answering\t again.\t \u201cIs\t this\t about\t your\t job\t interview?\t Are\t you worried\tabout\twhat\thappens\tif\tyou\tmiss\tyour\tbig\tchance?\u201d \u201cSomething\t like\t that.\t I\u2019ve\t just\t started\t thinking\t that\t even\t if\t I\t get\t it,\t I\t could lose\tout\ton\tother\t.\t.\t.\topportunities.\u201d \u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tthink\tyou\tneed\tto\tgive\tup\tyour\tdream\tfor\tanything.\tYou\twant\tthis,\tI can\t see\t it.\t I\t can\t hear\t it\t in\t your\t voice.\t Times\t have\t moved\t on,\t honey.\t You\t don\u2019t","have\tto\tgive\tup\tanything.\tYou\tdon\u2019t\thave\tto\tmake\ta\tchoice\tlike\tmine.\tYou\tjust need\tto\tgive\tit\tyour\tall.\u201d A\tdoor\tbangs\tin\tthe\tbackground\ton\ther\tend\tof\tthe\tconversation,\tand\ther\teyes flick\toffscreen.\t\u201cThat\u2019s\tyour\tdad.\u201d I\u2019m\t starting\t to\t feel\t frantic.\t I\t can\u2019t\t tell\t her\t about\t the\t change\t in\t my relationship\twith\tJosh,\tour\tcompetition,\tand\twhat\tI\twill\tlose\tno\tmatter\twhat\tthe outcome\tis.\tThere\u2019s\tno\ttime.\tThere\u2019s\tonly\ttime\tfor\tthis. \u201cIf\t I\t were\t in\t the\t same\t position,\t walking\t through\t an\t orchard,\t possibly\t about to\tderail\tmyself\tsomehow,\twhat\twould\tyou\ttell\tme\tto\tdo?\u201d She\tlooks\toffscreen\tand\tI\tcan\thear\theavy\tboots\tclomping\tup\tthe\tstairs\tto\tthe office.\t Her\t answer\t convinces\t me\t of\t the\t cherry\t seed\t of\t what\t if\t that\t has\t always been\t lodged\t in\t her\t heart.\t \u201cFor\t you?\t I\u2019d\t tell\t you\t to\t keep\t walking.\t I\t want\t things for\tyou.\tKeep\tyour\teye\ton\tthe\tprize\tand\twhatever\tyou\tdo,\tjust\tkeep\twalking.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s\tgoing\ton?\u201d\tDad\tappears,\tkissing\tthe\ttop\tof\tmy\tmom\u2019s\thead,\tand\the sees\tme\ton\tthe\tscreen.\t\u201cYou\tshould\thave\tcome\tgot\tme!\tHow\u2019s\tmy\tgirl?\tReady\tto beat\t Jimmy\t at\t the\t interview?\t Imagine\t his\t face\t when\t you\t get\t it.\t I\t can\t just\t see\t it now.\u201d\tHe\tdrops\tinto\tthe\tseat\tbeside\tMom\tand\tthen\tbeams\tat\tthe\tceiling,\trelishing my\tfictional\tvictory\tand\this\town\tcleverness. I\t can\t see\t it\t on\t the\t tiny\t preview\t screen;\t my\t face\t falls.\t It\t could\t be\t seen\t from space\tand\tMom\tdefinitely\tsees\tit.\t\u201cOh.\tI\tsee\tnow.\tLucy,\twhy\tdidn\u2019t\tyou\tsay?\u201d Dad\tforges\tonward\twithout\ta\tresponse\tfrom\tme.\tNext\ttopic.\t\u201cWhen\tare\tyou coming\thome?\u201d I\tadmit\tI\tpause\tfor\ta\tsecond\tlonger,\tfor\tgreater\teffect. \u201cThe\t long\t weekend.\u201d\t It\u2019s\t the\t answer\t that\t my\t heart\t has\t been\t aching\t to\t give, and\twhen\tI\twatch\tmy\tdad\u2019s\tface\tbreak\tinto\this\tchipped-tooth\tgrin\tI\u2019m\tglad\tI\u2019ve said\tit.\tMom\tcontinues\tto\thold\tmy\tgaze,\tsteady. \u201cJust\tkeep\twalking,\tunless\twhat\u2019s\tup\tthat\ttree\tis\tas\tspecial\tas\tthis.\u201d \u201cWhat\t on\t earth\t are\t you\t talking\t about?\t Did\t you\t hear\t her?\t She\u2019s\t coming home!\u201d\t Dad\u2019s\t seat\t squeaks\t under\t the\t rhythm\t of\t his\t chair\t dancing,\t and\t just\t like my\t mom,\t I\u2019m\t at\t the\t gates\t of\t a\t frighteningly\t momentous\t orchard,\t and\t I\t need\t to focus\tmy\tgaze\tforward\ton\tthe\tfar\texit,\tlaser\tstrong,\tnever\tlooking\tup. IT\u2019S\tFRIDAY.\tIT\tshould\tbe\ta\tterrible\tmustard\tshirt\ttoday,\tbut\tit\u2019s\tnot.\tI\thave\tmy bag\t packed\t in\t the\t trunk\t of\t my\t car,\t and\t over\t the\t past\t two\t days\t I\u2019ve\t been\t so nervous\tabout\tthis\tweekend\tI\thaven\u2019t\tbeen\table\tto\tstomach\tsolids.\tI\u2019ve\tsubsisted entirely\ton\tsmoothies\tand\ttea.\tI\tslept\ttwo\thours\tlast\tnight. It\u2019s\ta\trelief\tthat\twe\u2019re\tat\tthis\tpoint.\tThe\tsooner\twe\tleave\there,\tthe\tsooner\twe","can\tget\tit\tover\twith.\tMy\tmind\thas\trun\tevery\tscenario\tpossible,\tin\tmy\tdreams,\tin my\tevery\twaking\tmoment.\tAnd\tthe\tonly\tcertainty\tI\thave\tis,\twhatever\thappens,\tit will\tall\tbe\tover\tsoon. Josh\t has\t been\t in\t Mr.\t Bexley\u2019s\t office\t for\t over\t an\t hour.\t There\u2019s\t been\t raised voices,\tMr.\tBexley\tshouting,\tand\tsilence.\tIt\thasn\u2019t\thelped\tmy\tanxiety\tlevel. Helene\twent\tin\tearlier\tto\tintervene.\tMore\tchillingly,\tJeanette\thustled\tpast\tme about\t forty-five\t minutes\t ago\t and\t stepped\t into\t the\t fray.\t Maybe\t Josh\u2019s\t strategy involves\tmajor\tworkforce\tcuts\tand\tshe\twas\tcalled\tin\tto\tconsult. When\tshe\tleft,\tshe\tpaused\tby\tmy\tdesk,\tand\tlooked\tat\tme,\tand\tlaughed.\tIt\twas the\tkind\tof\tlaugh\ttinged\tby\thysteria,\tlike\tshe\u2019s\tjust\theard\tthe\tfunniest\tthing. \u201cGood\tluck,\u201d\tshe\ttells\tme.\t\u201cYou\u2019re\tgoing\tto\tneed\tit.\tThis\tis\tbeyond\tHR.\u201d We\u2019ve\t been\t found\t out.\t Someone\t has\t seen\t me\t and\t Josh\t together,\t and\t we\u2019re busted.\tDanny\thas\ttold\tsomeone.\tIt\u2019s\tout.\tThis\tscenario\twasn\u2019t\tin\tthe\tmix.\tI\tlean down\tand\tpress\tmy\tcheekbone\tagainst\tmy\tknee.\tBreathe\tin,\tbreathe\tout. \u201cDarling!\u201d\tHelene\tis\talarmed\twhen\tshe\twalks\tto\tmy\tdesk.\tMy\tvision\tis\tgray. I\ttry\tto\tstand\tand\tweave\ton\tthe\tspot.\tShe\tmakes\tme\tsit\tback\tdown\tand\thands\tme my\twater\tbottle. \u201cAre\tyou\tall\tright?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tfaint.\tWhat\u2019s\tgoing\ton\tin\tthere?\u201d \u201cThey\u2019re\ttalking\tabout\tthe\tinterviews.\tJosh\u2019s\tidea\tfor\tthe\tfuture\tdoesn\u2019t\tquite align\twith\tBexley\u2019s.\u201d She\t pulls\t over\t a\t chair\t and\t sits\t beside\t me.\t I\u2019m\t about\t to\t be\t fired.\t I\t begin wheezing. \u201cAm\t I\t in\t trouble?\t Is\t he\t doing\t some\t kind\t of\t pre-interview?\t Why\t aren\u2019t\t I doing\t one?\t And\t why\t was\t HR\t involved?\t I\t kept\t hearing\t shouting.\t And\t Jeanette said\tsomething\tspooky.\tAbout\thow\tI\twas\tgoing\tto\tneed\tluck.\tAm\tI\tin\ttrouble?\u201d\tI end\ton\tthe\tsame\tpitiful\tnote\tI\tbegan. \u201cOf\t course\t not.\t It\u2019s\t a\t bad\t argument\t they\u2019re\t having\t in\t there,\t darling.\t They have\tdisagreements\tall\tthe\ttime.\tI\tthought\tit\tbest\tto\tbring\tJeanette\tup\tto\tremind them\t of\t professional\t etiquette.\t Nothing\t worse\t than\t two\t men\t barking\t at\t each other\tlike\tdogs.\u201d Helene\tis\tlooking\tat\tme\tstrangely.\tI\tmust\tlook\tterrible. \u201cIs\the\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tI\tbite\toff\tthe\twords,\tbut\tshe\twon\u2019t\tlet\tme\tget\taway\twith\tit. \u201cIs\the\twhat?\u201d \u201cIs\the\tokay?\tIs\t.\t.\t.\tJosh\tokay?\u201d\tShe\tnods,\tbut\tthe\tthing\tis,\tI\tknow\the\u2019s\tnot. The\t last\t two\t days\t have\t been\t exhausting.\t Josh\t has\t been\t nothing\t but\t grave civility,\t but\t I\t can\t now\t read\t the\t nuances\t of\t his\t face\t better\t than\t ever.\t He\u2019s\t worn","out.\tSad.\tStressed.\tHe\tcan\u2019t\tdecide\twhat\u2019s\tworse;\teye\tcontact,\tor\tnone. And\tI\tunderstand.\tI\treally\tdo. I\t find\t if\t I\t keep\t my\t eyes\t off\t him,\t and\t fixed\t on\t my\t computer\t screen,\t there\u2019s less\t chance\t of\t feeling\t my\t stomach\t flip.\t I\t can\t keep\t the\t butterflies\t out\t of\t my system\tif\tI\tcan\tavoid\tseeing\tthe\tblue\tof\this\teyes\tor\tthe\tshape\tof\this\tmouth.\tThe mouth\t I\t have\t kissed,\t over\t and\t over.\t No\t one\t can\t kiss\t me\t like\t he\t does,\t and\t it\u2019s more\tproof\tthe\tworld\tis\tunfair. The\thurt\tover\this\tcomment,\tI\u2019m\tnot\tgoing\tto\tneed\tany\thelp\tbeating\ther,\thas dulled\t into\t a\t callus\t I\t can\u2019t\t stop\t pressing.\t What\t a\t shitty\t thing\t he\t said.\t But\t if\t the roles\thad\tbeen\treversed,\tand\tit\twas\tHelene\tout\tthere\ttormenting\tus,\twho\u2019s\tto\tsay I\twouldn\u2019t\thave\tsaid\tthe\texact\tsame\tthing?\tI\u2019m\tnot\tthe\tblameless\tlittle\tvictim\tin our\tprivate\twar. We\u2019re\t like\t this\t because\t we\u2019ve\t found\t someone\t who\t can\t take\t it\t as\t good\t as they\tcan\tdish\tit\tout.\tAnd\tI\u2019ll\tguarantee\tone\tthing.\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tdish\tit\tout\tat\tthe interview.\tEven\tin\tmy\tdreams,\tI\tknow\tthe\tanswer\tI\u2019ll\tgive\tto\tany\tquestion\tthey ask.\t He\t sure\t will\t need\t help\t beating\t me.\t Helene\t is\t watching\t me,\t her\t eyes\t soft with\tempathy. \u201cIt\u2019s\t sweet\t you\u2019re\t concerned\t for\t him,\t darling,\t but\t Josh\t is\t a\t big\t boy.\t You should\tbe\tmore\tconcerned\tabout\tBexley.\tI\tknow\twho\tI\u2019d\tput\tmy\tmoney\ton.\u201d \u201cBut\twhy\tis\tMr.\tBexley\u2014\u201d \u201cI\tcan\u2019t\tsay.\tIt\u2019s\ttheir\tconfidential\tbusiness.\tLet\u2019s\ttalk\tabout\tyour\tinterview. How\tdid\tthe\tmeeting\twith\tDanny\tgo?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tgoing\twell.\tHe\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tdo\tthat\told\tthriller\tBloodsummer\tin\tebook\tfor me.\tIt\twas\tmy\tdad\u2019s\tfavorite\tbook.\tHe\u2019s\tdoing\tit\tover\tthe\tweekend,\tand\tgave\tme an\tincredible\trate.\u201d \u201cWell,\t that\u2019s\t good\t of\t him.\t If\t the\t presentation\t impresses\t the\t panel,\t maybe he\u2019ll\tend\tup\tgetting\tsome\tconsulting\twork\tout\tof\tus.\tHow\tis\tyour\tdad?\tWhen\tare you\tgoing\tto\tgo\thome,\tdarling?\tYour\tparents\tmust\tbe\tmissing\tyou.\u201d \u201cThe\tlong\tweekend\tthat\u2019s\tcoming\tup.\tThat\u2019s\twhen\tI\tneed\tto\tgo.\tActually,\tI\u2019d like\tto\ttake\ta\tweek.\u201d\tIn\tthe\tpause\tthat\tfollows,\tI\trealize\tthat\tmy\tusual\tcaveat\tof\tif that\u2019s\tokay\tdidn\u2019t\tattach\titself\tto\tthat\tstatement.\tThe\told\tme\tis\tshaking\ther\thead in\tdisbelief. I\t look\t at\t my\t lovely,\t generous\t friend\t and\t like\t I\t knew\t she\t would,\t she\t nods. \u201cThat\u2019s\tfine.\tTake\ta\tbreak\tbefore\tthe\tnew\tjob\tbegins.\u201d\tHer\tfaith\tin\tme\thas\tnever wavered. My\tnewfound\tassertiveness\tdoesn\u2019t\thelp\tme\tshake\tthe\tfeeling\tsomething\tbad is\tgoing\ton.\tI\tlook\tat\tMr.\tBexley\u2019s\tclosed\tdoor\tagain.","\u201cGo\t home,\t darling.\t No\t one\t should\t ring\t this\t late\t on\t a\t Friday\t anyway.\t It should\tbe\tillegal.\tWhat\tare\tyou\tup\tto\tthis\tweekend?\u201d\tI\thave\tthe\tweirdest\tfeeling that\tshe\u2019s\ttesting\tme. Unless\tit\u2019s\tto\tJosh,\tI\tcan\u2019t\tlie\tproperly.\t\u201cI\tthink\tI\u2019m\tgoing\ton\ta\troad\ttrip\twith a\t.\t.\t.\tfriend.\tActually,\tnot\ta\tfriend.\tBut\tI\tcan\u2019t\tquite\tdecide\tif\tI\tshould.\u201d The\t word\t friend\t feels\t like\t a\t foreign\t word\t I\u2019ve\t mispronounced.\t Frand.\t She catches\tthe\tpause,\tand\tsmiles. \u201cYou\t should\t go.\t I\t hope\t you\t have\t a\t wonderful\t time\t with\t your\t friend.\t You need\t one.\t I\t know\t you\u2019ve\t been\t lonely\t since\t the\t merger,\t when\t you\t lost\t your Valerie.\u201d Unexpectedly,\t she\t takes\t my\t shoulders\t in\t her\t hands,\t and\t kisses\t both\t of\t my cheeks.\t\u201cI\tcan\tsee\tyour\tbrain\tworking.\tI\tthink\tjust\tfor\tthis\tweekend\tyou\tneed\tto put\t it\t all\t aside.\t Forget\t the\t interview.\t One\t day,\t this\t interview\t will\t be\t a\t faint memory.\u201d \u201cHopefully\ta\tgood\tmemory.\tA\ttriumphant\tmemory.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tup\tto\tthe\trecruitment\tgods\tnow.\tI\tknow\tyou\u2019ve\tdone\tall\tyou\tcan.\u201d I\thave\tto\tadmit\tit\u2019s\ttrue.\t\u201cAs\tlong\tas\tthe\tebook\tformatting\tdoesn\u2019t\tscrew\tup, I\u2019d\tbe\tready\tto\tbe\tinterviewed\tnow.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t your\t boss,\t and\t I\t am\t ordering\t you\t to\t live\t a\t little\t this\t weekend.\t You\u2019re fading\taway\tthese\tlast\tfew\tdays.\tLook\tat\tyour\teyes.\tAll\tred.\tYou\tlook\tas\tbad\tas Josh\t does.\t We\u2019ve\t driven\t you\t both\t to\t a\t nervous\t breakdown,\t announcing\t the promotion.\u201d\tShe\tpurses\ther\tmouth\tunhappily. \u201cThere\t are\t moments\t when\t I\t wish\t this\t had\t never\t happened.\t None\t of\t it.\t The merger.\t This\t office.\t This\t promotion.\t It\u2019s\t ending\t something,\t and\t I\u2019m\t not\t ready yet.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tsorry.\u201d\tShe\tpats\tmy\thand.\t\u201cSo\tsorry.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\tbeen\tgetting\tmy\tfiling\tup\tto\tdate,\tin\tcase\tI\thave\tto\tleave.\tI\u2019ve\temailed my\tCV\tto\tfive\tor\tsix\trecruitment\tfirms.\tI\u2019ve\tcleaned\tout\tmy\tdrawers.\tI\u2019m\tpretty much\tpacked.\tJust\tin\tcase.\u201d Helene\t looks\t at\t Josh\u2019s\t desk,\t which\t seems\t even\t more\t sanitized\t than\t usual. He\u2019s\tbeen\tdoing\tthe\tsame.\tYou\tcould\tperform\tsurgery\ton\this\tdesk. \u201cI\t can\u2019t\t lose\t you.\t We\u2019d\t find\t you\t somewhere\t else\t in\t another\t team. Somewhere\t you\u2019d\t be\t happy.\t I\t don\u2019t\t want\t you\t to\t be\t fretting\t all\t weekend, thinking\tyou\thave\tno\toptions.\u201d \u201cBut\t how\t could\t I\t bump\t into\t the\t new\t COO\t in\t the\t elevator?\t How humiliating.\u201d I\tcan\timagine\tit\tnow.\tThe\theat\twould\trise\tin\tmy\tbody,\tand\tthe\ttiny\thairs\ton","my\tskin\twould\trise\tin\tmemory.\tHe\u2019d\tlook\tdown\tat\tme,\teyes\tcoolly\tprofessional. I\u2019d\tgreet\thim\tpolitely\tand\tremember\thow\the\tpressed\tme\tagainst\tan\televator\twall once\t in\t a\t total\t game\t changer.\t Then\t I\u2019d\t reach\t my\t floor\t and\t leave\t him\t behind\t to continue\this\tjourney\tupward. It\u2019s\t better\t to\t leave\t here\t completely\t than\t have\t to\t look\t at\t him\t across boardroom\ttables\tand\tglimpse\thim\tin\tthe\tbasement\tparking\tlot.\tHe\u2019ll\tfind\ta\tnew woman\tto\ttorment\tand\tfascinate.\tOne\tday\tI\tmight\tsee\ta\tgold\tring\ton\this\thand. \u201cWhy\twould\tI\tkeep\ttorturing\tmyself\tlike\tthat?\u201d I\t think\t my\t expression\t must\t be\t stark,\t because\t Helene\t makes\t an\t attempt\t to cheer\tme. \u201cLive\ta\tlittle,\tthis\tweekend.\tTrust\tme.\tIt\twill\twork\tout\tfor\tthe\tbest.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll\t put\t the\t phones\t through\t to\t my\t cell\t and\t let\t you\t know\t if\t anything\t urgent comes\tin.\u201d I\t need\t to\t go\t downstairs\t to\t my\t car.\t I\t want\t to\t open\t the\t trunk,\t look\t at\t my packed\t bag,\t and\t try\t to\t dodge\t the\t big\t question\t a\t little\t longer.\t The\t how\t do\t I\t feel about\t Josh\t question.\t My\t car\t keys\t glow\t in\t my\t bag.\t I\t could\t get\t in\t my\t car,\t and drive. I\t pat\t my\t pockets\t and\t realize\t I\u2019ve\t got\t a\t major\t problem.\t My\t cell\t phone\t is gone.\t I\t look\t under\t my\t desk,\t in\t my\t bag,\t in\t folders,\t and\t paperwork.\t I\t can\u2019t\t even remember\tthe\tlast\ttime\tI\tsaw\tit. I\tfind\tit\tbeside\tthe\tsink\tin\tthe\tladies\troom.\tWhen\tI\treturn\tto\tmy\tdesk,\tJosh\tis emerging\tfrom\this\tmeeting\twith\tMr.\tBexley\twithout\ta\thair\tout\tof\tplace.","Chapter\t19 What\twas\tall\tthat\tabout?\u201d\tI\thug\tthe\tback\tof\tmy\tchair. \u201cProfessional\tdisagreement.\u201d\tHe\tlifts\ta\tshoulder\tcarelessly,\treminding\tme\tof what\the\u2019s\twearing.\tWhen\the\twalked\tin\ttoday,\the\twas\twearing\ta\tpale\tgreen\tshirt I\u2019ve\t never\t seen\t before.\t I\u2019ve\t spent\t today\t trying\t to\t decide\t if\t it\u2019s\t a\t harbinger\t of doom,\tor\tif\tI\tlove\tit. \u201cWhat\u2019s\twith\tthe\tgreen\tshirt?\u201d \u201cGreen\tseemed\tappropriate,\tgiven\tmy\tlittle\tscene\tin\tStarbucks.\u201d Mr.\t Bexley\t puts\t his\t head\t out\t of\t his\t office,\t looks\t at\t us\t both,\t and\t shakes\t his head.\t\u201cHell\tin\ta\thandbasket.\tI\ttell\tyou,\thell\tin\ta\thandbasket.\u201d A\twitchy\tShakespearean\tcrone\thas\tnothing\ton\thim\tright\tnow. Josh\tlaughs.\t\u201cRichard,\tplease.\u201d \u201cShut\t your\t mouth,\t Bexley,\u201d\t I\t hear\t Helene\t call\t faintly.\t He\t harrumphs\t and slams\t his\t office\t door.\t Josh\t looks\t at\t his\t desk\t and\t picks\t up\t his\t tin\t of\t mints, pocketing\t them.\t He\t flicks\t his\t phone\t to\t voice\t mail\t and\t pushes\t his\t chair\t in.\t It looks\t exactly\t like\t his\t desk\t on\t the\t first\t day\t I\t met\t him.\t Sterile.\t Impersonal.\t He walks\tto\tthe\twindow\tand\tlooks\toutside. It\u2019s\t that\t first\t moment\t all\t over\t again.\t I\u2019m\t standing\t by\t my\t desk,\t nerves shredding\t me\t from\t the\t inside\t out.\t There\u2019s\t a\t huge\t man\t by\t the\t window\t with glossy\tdark\thair,\this\thands\tin\tpockets.\tAs\the\tturns,\tI\tpray\the\u2019s\tnot\tas\tgorgeous\tas I\tthink\the\tis.\tThe\tlight\tcatches\this\tjaw\tand\tI\u2019m\tpretty\tsure. When\tthose\teyes\thit\tme,\tI\tknow. He\t looks\t at\t me.\t Top\t of\t my\t head\t to\t the\t tips\t of\t my\t shoes.\t Say\t the\t words,\t I think\tdesperately.\tYou\u2019re\tbeautiful.\tPlease,\tlet\u2019s\tbe\tfriends. \u201cTell\tme\twhat\tthe\thell\tis\tgoing\ton.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tsworn\tto\tconfidentiality.\u201d In\t a\t clever\t strategy,\t he\t has\t utilized\t the\t one\t thing\t he\t knows\t I\t won\u2019t\t argue against. \u201cTell\tme\tthey\tjust\tdidn\u2019t\tinformally\toffer\tyou\tthe\tjob.\u201d \u201cNo,\tthey\tdidn\u2019t.\u201d","I\tlower\tmy\tvoice\tto\ta\twhisper.\t\u201cDo\tthey\tknow\tabout\t.\t.\t.\tus?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d My\ttwo\tbig\tfears\tseem\tunfounded. \u201cSo\t.\t.\t.\thow\tare\twe\tgetting\tout\tof\there?\tDo\tI\tstill\thave\tto?\u201d \u201cYes.\t That\t thing\t over\t there\u201d\u2014he\t points\t as\t he\t unhooks\t my\t coat\t from\t the hanger\u2014\u201cis\tan\televator.\tYou\u2019ve\tbeen\tin\tit\tbefore.\tWith\tme,\tin\tfact.\tI\u2019ll\tstep\tyou through\tthe\tprocess.\u201d \u201cWhat\tif\tsomeone\tsees\tus?\u201d \u201cYou\tsay\tthat\tnow?\tLucinda,\tyou\u2019re\tpriceless.\u201d I\tslap\tmy\tkeyboard\tto\tlock\tmy\tcomputer,\tsnatch\tmy\thandbag\tand\tclatter\tafter him.\t I\t try\t to\t tug\t my\t coat\t from\t his\t arm\t but\t he\t shakes\t his\t head\t and\t tuts.\t The elevator\tdoors\topen\tand\the\ttugs\tme\tin,\this\thand\tat\tmy\twaist. I\t turn\t and\t see\t Helene,\t leaning\t on\t her\t doorframe,\t her\t posture\t one\t of\t casual amusement.\t She\t then\t throws\t her\t head\t back\t and\t laughs\t in\t delight,\t clapping\t her hands\ttogether.\tHe\twaves\tto\tHelene\tas\tthe\tdoors\tclose. I\t use\t both\t hands\t to\t push\t him\t to\t the\t other\t side\t of\t the\t elevator.\t \u201cGet\t over there.\tWe\tlook\tso\tobvious.\tShe\theard\tus.\tShe\tsaw\tus.\tYou\u2019re\tcarrying\tmy\tcoat. She\tknows\tyou\u2019d\tnever\tdo\tthat.\u201d\tI\u2019m\talmost\thoarse\twith\tembarrassment. \u201cNewsflash,\tI\tam\tdoing\tthat.\u201d\tHe\tcircles\this\tfinger\tover\tthe\temergency\tstop button.\tI\tgrab\this\thand\tin\ta\tsteely\tgrip.\tI\tthink\the\tsuppresses\ta\tlaugh. When\twe\tget\tto\tthe\tbasement\tI\tcreep\tout\tahead.\t\u201cWe\u2019re\tclear.\u201d I\tgo\tto\tmy\tcar\tand\tunlock\tthe\ttrunk.\tMy\tsuitcase\tis\tlying\tcrooked\tand\tupside down\t and\t it\t feels\t like\t a\t sign.\t I\t want\t to\t leap\t into\t my\t car,\t screech\t out,\t and\t lose him\tin\ta\thigh-speed\tchase.\tAs\tquickly\tas\tthe\timage\tforms,\this\thand\tmaterializes, reaches,\ttakes\tmy\tsuitcase,\tand\twalks\toff\tto\this\tcar.\tI\tsnatch\tup\tmy\tgarment\tbag, lock\tmy\tcar,\tand\tthen\trealize\tsomething. \u201cIf\twe\tleave\tmy\tcar\there,\tHelene\twill\tknow.\tShe\u2019ll\tsee\tit.\u201d \u201cShould\twe\thide\tit\tunder\tsome\tbranches\tin\ta\tforest?\u201d What\tan\texcellent\tidea.\tI\trub\tmy\tstomach.\t\u201cI\tdon\u2019t\t.\t.\t.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t\t even\t say\t you\t don\u2019t\t want\t to\t do\t this.\t It\u2019s\t all\t over\t your\t face.\t I\t don\u2019t want\tto\tdo\tthis\teither.\tBut\twe\u2019re\tgoing.\u201d He\u2019s\tgetting\ta\tlittle\tterse.\tMy\tbelongings\tare\tin\this\ttrunk,\tmy\thandbag\tis\ton the\tpassenger\tseat. \u201cCan\tI\ttake\tmy\tcar\thome?\u201d \u201cYeah,\t right.\t You\u2019ll\t escape.\t If\t anyone\t asks\t on\t Monday,\t say\t it\t broke\t down again.\tIt\u2019s\tthe\tperfect\talibi,\tbecause\tyour\tcar\tis\tshit.\u201d \u201cJosh\t.\t.\t.\tI\u2019m\tfreaking\tout.\u201d\tI\thave\tto\tput\tmy\thands\ton\tthe\tdoor\tof\this\tcar\tto","steady\tmyself.\tIf\tI\tthought\tthings\twere\tgoing\ttoo\tfast\tbefore,\tit\u2019s\tall\thitting\twarp speed.\t He\t pulls\t off\t his\t tie\t and\t undoes\t two\t buttons.\t He\u2019s\t beautiful,\t even\t in\t this dreadful\tbasement. \u201cYes,\t that\u2019s\t obvious.\u201d\t His\t little\t brow-crease\t is\t deepening.\t \u201cI\t am\t too.\t You look\texhausted.\u201d \u201cI\tcouldn\u2019t\tsleep.\tWhy\tare\tyou\tfreaking\tout?\u201d He\t ignores\t me.\t \u201cYou\t can\t sleep\t in\t the\t car.\u201d\t He\t opens\t the\t door\t for\t me.\t He tries\tto\tfold\tme\tin\tbut\tI\tdig\tmy\theels\tin. \u201cThe\tinterview.\tThe\tjob.\u201d \u201cFuck\t it.\t The\t interview\t will\t happen.\t We\t will\t deal\t with\t the\t outcome.\u201d\t He takes\tmy\tshoulders\tin\this\thands. \u201cIt\u2019s\tnot\tthat\teasy.\tI\tlost\tsomeone\timportant\tto\tme\tin\tthe\tmerger,\tmy\tfriend Val.\tI\tkept\tmy\tjob,\tshe\tlost\ther\tjob,\tand\tnow\twe\u2019re\tno\tlonger\tfriends.\tJust\tas\tan example,\u201d\tI\thastily\ttack\ton.\tI\tnearly\ttold\tJoshua\tTempleman\tthat\the\tis\timportant. I\tjust\thinted\tthat\twe\u2019re\tfriends.\tHe\tnarrows\this\teyes. \u201cShe\tsounds\tlike\tan\tasshole.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\twhy\tI\u2019m\ta\tlonely\tloser.\tLook,\tI\u2019m\tmeeting\tyour\tfamily\ttomorrow.\tLet\u2019s face\tit,\twe\u2019re\talmost\tcertainly\tseeing\teach\tother\tnaked\tsometime\tsoon.\tTiny\tbit of\tpressure.\u201d He\tignores\tme\tagain.\t\u201cThis\tis\tour\tlast\tchance\tto\tsort\tour\tshit\tout.\u201d I\tstill\thesitate,\tstubborn\tas\ta\tmule. \u201cThis\t weekend\t is\t going\t to\t be\t hard\t for\t me.\t But\t with\t you\t there,\t maybe\t it won\u2019t\tbe\tso\tbad.\u201d Maybe\tit\u2019s\tthe\tsurprise\tof\tthat\tlittle\tadmission,\tbut\tmy\tknees\tweaken\tenough to\t allow\t me\t to\t get\t into\t the\t car\t and\t momentarily\t relinquish\t control\t to\t the\t last person\tI\tever\tthought\tI\twould. I\tfeel\tweak\twith\tdefeat.\tEven\twhen\tpacking\tmy\tbag\tand\tbuying\ta\tdress,\tI\u2019d felt\t sure\t I\u2019d\t find\t some\t last-minute\t way\t to\t escape\t or\t get\t out\t of\t it.\t Only\t in\t my worst-case-scenario\t imaginings\t did\t I\t think\t I\u2019d\t be\t in\t his\t car,\t exiting\t the\t B&G underground\tparking\tlot. The\t sun\t drops\t lower\t in\t the\t sky\t as\t he\t drives\t us\t through\t the\t heavy\t afternoon traffic.\t It\t seems\t like\t everyone\t in\t the\t city\t has\t had\t the\t same\t idea:\t It\u2019s\t time\t to escape\tinto\tthe\tpale,\tpretty\thills. I\thave\tto\tbreak\tthis\tawkward\tsilence.\t\u201cSo\thow\tlong\tis\tthis\tdrive?\u201d \u201cFour\thours.\u201d \u201cGoogle\tMaps\tsays\tfive,\u201d\tI\tsay\twithout\tthinking. \u201cYeah,\t if\t you\t drive\t like\t a\t grandmother.\t Glad\t I\u2019m\t not\t the\t only\t one\t who\u2019s","done\tsome\thometown\tcyber-stalking.\u201d He\tsighs\tas\ta\tcar\tcuts\tus\toff,\tbraking.\t\u201cAsshole.\u201d \u201cHow\tare\twe\tgoing\tto\tpass\tfour\thours?\u201d\tI\tknow\twhat\tI\twant\tto\tdo.\tLie\there in\t this\t warm\t leather\t seat\t and\t stare\t at\t him.\t I\t want\t to\t lean\t across\t and\t press\t my face\tagainst\tthe\tfirm\tpad\tof\this\tshoulder.\tI\twant\tto\tbreathe,\tand\timprint\tit\tall\tinto my\tmemory,\tfor\twhen\tI\tneed\tit\tone\tday. \u201cWe\tmanage\tit\tall\tthe\ttime.\u201d \u201cSo,\twhere\tare\twe\tstaying?\tPlease\tdon\u2019t\tsay\tyour\tparents\u2019\thouse.\u201d \u201cMy\tparents\u2019\thouse.\u201d \u201cOh\tholy\tfuck.\tWhy?\tWhy?\u201d\tI\tscrabble\tupright\tin\tmy\tseat. \u201cI\u2019m\t kidding.\t The\t wedding\t reception\u2019s\t at\t a\t hotel.\t Patrick\t has\t made\t a booking\tof\ta\tbunch\tof\trooms.\tWe\tmention\tthe\twedding\twhen\twe\tcheck\tin.\u201d \u201cIs\tit\tseedy?\u201d \u201cSorry,\tno,\tnot\tremotely.\tI\u2019ll\tmake\tsure\tyou\tget\tyour\town\troom.\u201d Seems\t he\u2019s\t dead\t serious\t about\t his\t promise\t to\t not\t lay\t a\t finger\t on\t me.\t It\u2019s\t a bucket\t of\t cold\t water\t on\t the\t fire\t burning\t in\t my\t chest,\t and\t I\u2019m\t left\t with\t the charred\tremains,\tunsure\tif\tI\u2019m\trelieved. \u201cWhy\tdon\u2019t\tyou\tstay\twith\tyour\tparents\tthen?\u201d He\t nods.\t \u201cI\t don\u2019t\t want\t to.\u201d\t His\t mouth\t turns\t down\t unhappily\t and\t I impulsively\tpat\this\tknee. \u201cI\u2019ve\t got\t your\t back\t this\t weekend,\t okay?\t Like\t at\t paintball.\t But\t the\t offer stands\tfor\tthis\tweekend\tonly.\u201d \u201cThanks\t for\t covering\t for\t me.\t You\t took\t a\t lot\t of\t hits.\t I\t still\t don\u2019t\t know\t why you\tdid\tit,\tthough.\u201d He\t squints\t against\t the\t sun,\t and\t I\t find\t a\t pair\t of\t sunglasses\t in\t the\t glove compartment.\tI\thuff\ton\tthem\tand\tpolish\tthem\twith\tmy\tsleeve. \u201cWell,\t you\u2019d\t made\t me\t the\t last\t person\t to\t go\t for\t the\t flag.\t The\t most expendable.\u201d \u201cI\t did\t it\t because\t you\t looked\t like\t you\t were\t about\t to\t keel\t over.\t Thanks.\u201d\t He takes\tthe\tglasses. \u201cOh.\t I\t thought\t it\t was\t another\t one\t of\t your\t little\t tricks.\t No\t one\t covering\t for me.\tLucy\tHutton,\thuman\tshield.\u201d \u201cI\twas\talways\tcovering\tfor\tyou.\u201d\tHe\tchecks\this\tmirror\tand\tchanges\tlanes. There\u2019s\t a\t little\t candlelight\t flicker\t in\t the\t vicinity\t of\t my\t heart.\t \u201cYou\t should see\tmy\tbruises,\tthough.\u201d \u201cI\tsaw\ta\tfew\tof\tthem.\u201d \u201cOh,\tright.\tWhen\tyou\ttook\toff\tmy\tSleepysaurus\ttop.\u201d\tI\trest\tmy\tcheek\ton\tthe","seat\tand\topen\tmy\teyes.\tWe\u2019re\tstopped\tat\ta\ttraffic\tlight,\tand\tI\tsee\tthe\tlittle\tsmile line\tnear\tthe\tcorner\tof\this\tmouth. \u201cYou\t have\t no\t idea\t how\t much\t I\t regret\t you\t seeing\t my\t pajama\t top.\t My\t mom gave\tit\tto\tme\ta\tfew\tChristmases\tback.\u201d \u201cOh,\tdon\u2019t\tbe\tself-conscious\tabout\tit.\tIt\tlooks\tgreat\ton\tyou.\u201d I\tlaugh\tand\ta\tlittle\tof\tthe\tstress\tleaves\tme.\tThe\tcity\tbleeds\tinto\tsuburbs,\tand the\t sun\t begins\t to\t set\t as\t we\t wind\t through\t vast\t tracks\t of\t green.\t I\u2019ve\t never\t been out\t this\t far.\t I\t need\t to\t start\t living\t my\t life,\t rather\t than\t walking\t the\t same\t path,\t in and\tout\tof\tB&G,\tlike\ta\tlittle\thighland\tsheep. \u201cSo\tyou\u2019ve\tsaid\tI\u2019m\tcoming\talong\tfor\tmoral\tsupport.\tWill\tyou\ttell\tme\twhy? I\tfeel\tlike\tI\tneed\tto\tbe\tforewarned\tand\tforearmed.\u201d \u201cI\thave\t.\t.\t.\u201d\the\tbegins,\tand\tsighs. \u201cBaggage?\u201d\tI\thazard.\t\u201cWho\u2019s\tthis\tabout?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tlargely\tjust\tabout\tme.\tI\tmade\tsome\tmistakes\tand\tdidn\u2019t\ttry\thard\tenough on\tsomething\timportant.\tNow\tI\thave\tto\tgo\tand\thave\tit\trubbed\tin\tmy\tface\ta\tlittle. It\u2019s\tjust\tgoing\tto\tsting\ta\tbit.\u201d \u201cMedicine.\u201d\tWithout\tthinking\tI\treduce\tit\tdown\tto\tone\tword.\t\u201cI\u2019m\tsorry.\tThat was\tinsensitive.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\t talking\t to\t the\t king\t of\t insensitive,\t remember?\u201d\t He\t rolls\t his shoulders,\tdesperate\tto\tchange\tthe\tsubject.\tI\ttake\tpity. \u201cI\tshould\tcome\tout\there\ton\tthe\tweekend\tand\tdo\tsome\texploring.\tI\tcould\tbuy some\t stuff\t to\t decorate\t my\t apartment.\u201d\t I\t look\t at\t him\t sideways.\t Fishing\t for\t an antiquing\tpal?\tSeriously,\tLucy,\tget\tit\ttogether. \u201cWell,\tI\u2019m\tsure\tyour\tnew\tgood\tfriend\tDanny\twould\tlove\tto\tdrive\tyou.\u201d I\tcross\tmy\tarms\tand\twe\tdon\u2019t\ttalk\tfor\ttwenty-three\tminutes,\taccording\tto\this perfectly\taccurate\tdigital\tdisplay. I\t break\t under\t the\t silence\t first.\t \u201cBefore\t this\t weekend\t is\t over,\t I\t am\t going\t to crack\t open\t your\t head.\t I\t am\t going\t to\t work\t out\t what\t is\t going\t on\t in\t your\t evil brain.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s\tfine.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tserious,\tJosh.\tYou\tare\tdestroying\tmy\tsanity.\u201d\tI\tlean\tforward\tand\tput\tmy elbows\ton\tmy\tknees\tand\trub\tmy\tface. \u201cMy\tevil\tbrain\tis\tthinking\tabout\tgrabbing\tsome\tdinner\tsoon.\u201d \u201cMine\tis\tthinking\tabout\tstrangling\tyou.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tthinking\tif\twe\tplunge\toff\ta\tbridge\tI\twon\u2019t\thave\tto\tgo\tto\tthis\twedding.\u201d He\tlooks\tat\tme,\tperhaps\tonly\thalf\tjoking. \u201cOh,\tgreat.\tWatch\tthe\troad\tor\tyour\twish\twill\tcome\ttrue.\u201d\tWhen\twe\tdo\tcross","a\tbridge,\tI\tsupervise\thim\twith\tsuspicion. \u201cI\u2019m\tthinking\tabout\t.\t.\t.\tmy\tcar\u2019s\tfuel\tconsumption.\u201d \u201cThank\tyou\tfor\tsharing\tthese\tvaluable\tinsights\tinto\twhat\tmakes\tyou\ttick.\u201d He\t glances\t at\t me,\t considering.\t \u201cI\u2019m\t thinking\t about\t kissing\t you,\t on\t my couch.\tI\tthink\tabout\tit\tdisturbingly\toften.\tI\tkeep\tthinking\tabout\thow\tweird\tit\twill be\tto\tspend\tmy\tdays\tnot\tsitting\tacross\tfrom\tyou.\u201d The\tthing\tabout\tthe\ttruth\tis,\tit\u2019s\taddictive. \u201cMore\tof\tyour\tbrain\tcontents.\u201d Josh\tsmiles\tat\tmy\tdemand.\t\u201cI\u2019ve\tnever\thad\tsomeone\ttry\tto\tdo\tthis\tbefore.\u201d \u201cWhat,\tbreak\tyour\tskull\topen?\tI\u2019ll\tuse\ta\thammer\tif\tI\thave\tto.\u201d \u201cGet\tto\tknow\tme.\tAnd\tI\tnever\tthought\tit\twould\tbe\tyou.\u201d \u201cDo\tyou\twant\tme\tto\tstop?\u201d I\talmost\tcan\u2019t\thear\this\treply,\tit\u2019s\tso\tquiet.\t\u201cNo.\u201d I\tswing\tmy\thead\taway,\tpretending\tto\tlook\tat\tthe\tscenery.\tWe\tpark\tin\tfront\tof a\t truck\t stop\t diner\t and\t he\t touches\t my\t hand.\t What\t he\t says\t next\t makes\t my\t heart crackle\tbright\twith\tstupid\thope,\teven\tthough\tI\tknow\the\u2019s\tkidding. \u201cCome\ton.\tIt\u2019s\ttime\tfor\ta\tromantic\tdinner\tdate.\u201d On\tmy\tfirst\tfake\tdate\twith\tJoshua\tTempleman,\tthe\tbooths\tare\ttaken\tso\twe\tsit side\tby\tside\tat\tthe\tcounter.\tMy\tfeet\tdangle\tlike\tI\u2019m\tfive\tyears\told\tas\tI\tperch\ton the\tstool,\twhich\the\thelped\tme\tup\tonto.\tWe\torder\tand\tI\timmediately\tforget\twhat I\u2019m\tgoing\tto\thave.\tHe\trests\this\tchin\ton\this\tpalm\tand\twe\tplay\tthe\tStaring\tGame to\tpass\tthe\ttime. I\t could\t get\t through\t this\t weekend\t if\t he\t didn\u2019t\t have\t such\t beautiful\t hands.\t Or such\t a\t lovely\t scent\t to\t his\t skin.\t My\t eyes\t go\t on\t a\t little\t walking\t tour.\t The\t tube lights\t turn\t anybody\t else\t sallow,\t me\t included,\t but\t somehow\t he\t glows\t with vitality.\tI\tnotice\tthe\tfaintest\tsmattering\tof\tfreckles\tacross\tthe\tbridge\tof\this\tnose.\tI must\t have\t had\t my\t hate-goggles\t on\t during\t most\t of\t our\t working\t relationship, because\tin\tall\thonesty,\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tseen\ta\tman\tthis\tgood-looking\tin\tperson. Everything\t about\t him\t is\t pleasurable.\t He\t drips\t with\t quality,\t luxury, everything\t so\t exactly\t right.\t Every\t part\t of\t him\t is\t engineered\t and\t maintained perfectly.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tbelieve\tI\twasted\tall\tthis\ttime\tnot\tadmiring\thim. \u201cYou\u2019re\t like\t a\t beautiful\t racehorse.\u201d\t I\t sigh,\t a\t little\t garbled.\t I\t should\t have tried\tto\tget\tsome\tsleep\tlast\tnight. He\t blinks.\t \u201cThank\t you.\t Your\t blood\t sugar\t is\t bottoming\t out.\t You\u2019re\t all white.\u201d It\u2019s\t probably\t true.\t My\t stomach\t makes\t a\t goblin\t noise.\t A\t bunch\t of\t laughing college\tguys\twalk\tpast\ttoo\tclose\tand\tJosh\tputs\this\thand\ton\tthe\tsmall\tof\tmy\tback.","Just\tlike\ta\treal\tdate\twould;\tprotective,\ttelling\tthem,\tMine.\tThen\the\torders\tme\tan orange\tjuice\tand\tmakes\tme\tdrink\tit.\tI\thear\ta\ttrucker\trepress\ta\tbelch\tand\tthen\tlet it\tout\tslowly\twith\ta\tgroan.\tThe\tfryers\tsizzle\tin\tthe\tbackground\tlike\tradio\tstatic. \u201cLacks\ta\tcertain\tambience,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tto\tme.\t\u201cI\u2019m\tsorry.\tCrappy\tdate.\u201d The\twaitress\tlooks\tat\thim\tsidelong\tfor\tthe\tfifth\ttime,\ther\ttongue\tlicking\tidly at\tthe\tcorner\tof\ther\tmouth.\tI\ttouch\this\twrist\tand\tend\tup\tholding\tit. \u201cIt\u2019s\tfine.\u201d Our\tfood\tarrives\tand\tI\tcram\tmy\tgrilled\tcheese\tsandwich\tinto\tmy\tface,\thaving to\tremind\tmyself\tto\tchew.\tHe\u2019s\tordered\tsome\tsort\tof\tgrilled\tchicken\tbreast.\tThe next\t few\t minutes\t are\t nothing\t but\t a\t blur\t of\t taste\t and\t salt.\t He\t steals\t a\t couple\t of fries\tfrom\tmy\tplate\tlike\tit\u2019s\tthe\tmost\tnatural\tthing\tin\tthe\tworld. \u201cWhere\tdo\tyou\tgo\tto\teat\tlunch?\tI\u2019ve\talways\twondered.\u201d \u201cI\t go\t to\t the\t gym\t at\t lunch.\t I\t run\t four\t miles,\t shower,\t and\t have\t a\t big\t protein shake\ton\tthe\twalk\tback.\u201d \u201cFour\t miles?\t Are\t you\t training\t for\t the\t apocalypse\t or\t something?\t Maybe\t I should\tdo\tthat\ttoo.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\tgot\ttoo\tmuch\trestless\tenergy.\u201d \u201cYou\tmight\tsnap\tand\tkill\tme\tif\tyou\tdidn\u2019t.\tYour\tbody\tis\tinsane.\tYou\tknow it,\tright?\tI\u2019ve\tbarely\tseen\thalf\tan\tinch\tof\tactual\tskin,\tbut\tit\tis\tinsane.\u201d Josh\tlooks\tat\tme\tlike\tit\u2019s\tthe\tcraziest\tthing\the\u2019s\tever\theard.\tHe\ttakes\ta\tsip\tof his\tdrink\tand\tlooks\tself-conscious. \u201cI\t am\t so\t much\t more\t than\t my\t insane\t body.\u201d\t There\t is\t mock-dignity\t in\t his voice,\t and\t he\t sounds\t so\t prissy\t that\t we\t both\t laugh.\t I\t smooth\t my\t hand\t down\t his arm,\tshoulder\tto\twrist. \u201cI\tknow.\tYou\treally\tare.\tYou\u2019re\ttoo\tmuch\tfor\tthis\tlittle\tpipsqueak.\u201d \u201cNo,\t I\u2019m\t not.\t I\t wanted\t to\t ask\t you\t if\t you\u2019re\t still\t angry\t about\t the\t other\t day. What\tI\tsaid\tto\tBexley\tabout\tnot\tneeding\tto\tbeat\tyou.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s\tthe\tsaying?\tDon\u2019t\tget\tmad,\tget\teven.\u201d\tI\tpush\tmy\tplate\taway\tand\tlick all\t my\t fingers.\t I\t ate\t my\t meal\t like\t a\t barn\t animal.\t \u201cYou\t were\t wrong,\t you\t know. You\u2019re\tgoing\tto\tneed\thelp\tbeating\tme.\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tfight\tfor\tit.\u201d I\tdrain\tmy\tsecond\tglass\tof\torange\tjuice,\tthen\tmy\twater,\tand\tthen\this. \u201cDuly\t noted.\u201d\t He\t scrunches\t a\t napkin\t around\t his\t fingertips.\t \u201cWow,\t you\t eat like\ta\tViking.\u201d \u201cFor\tthis\tweekend?\tI\tcall\ta\tcease-fire.\tThis\tweekend\twe\u2019re\tus.\u201d \u201cWho\telse\twould\twe\tbe?\u201d \u201cB\t and\t G\t employees.\t Competitors.\t Forbidden\t HR\t rule-breakers.\t Mortal enemies.\tOh\tman,\tI\tfeel\tso\tmuch\tbetter.\u201d","I\tjump\toff\tmy\tstool\tand\timmediately\tappreciate\thow\tmuch\tstronger\tmy\tlegs feel.\t \u201cI\t don\u2019t\t want\t any\t surprises,\t Josh.\t If\t I\u2019m\t walking\t into\t some\t kind\t of\t shit- storm,\tI\twant\tto\tknow.\u201d A\t shadow\t crosses\t his\t face.\t He\t picks\t up\t the\t check\t folded\t under\t the\t edge\t of his\tplate\tand\tgives\tme\ta\tfaint\tlook\tof\tdisdain\twhen\tI\tdig\tfor\tmy\tpurse. \u201cWe\u2019re\tjust\tus.\tI\u2019m\tjust\tme.\u201d\tHe\tcounts\tout\tsome\tbills.\t\u201cLet\u2019s\tget\tgoing.\u201d I\t go\t to\t the\t bathroom.\t When\t I\t wash\t my\t hands\t I\t glance\t at\t the\t mirror\t and nearly\tjump\tout\tof\tmy\tskin.\tMy\tcolor\tis\tback.\tIn\tfact,\tI\u2019m\tlit\tup\tlike\tthe\tVegas strip.\tNeon-blue\teyes,\tcheeks\tglowing\tpink,\thair\tblue-black.\tMy\tmouth\tis\tcherry red,\tbut\tmy\tlipstick\tis\tlong\tgone. A\t solid\t meal\t has\t clearly\t revived\t me,\t but\t I\t wouldn\u2019t\t mind\t betting\t I\t always look\tlike\tthis\tafter\ta\tperiod\tof\tJosh\u2019s\tundivided\tattention. \u201cKeep.\t It.\t Together,\u201d\t I\t tell\t myself\t sternly\t as\t a\t woman\t walks\t into\t the bathroom\tand\tgives\tme\ta\tweird\tlook.\tI\tdry\tmy\thands\tand\trun\tout.","Chapter\t20 The\t evening\t is\t perfumed\t by\t the\t thunderclouds\t overhead.\t He\u2019s\t leaning\t against the\tcar,\tlooking\tacross\tthe\thighway.\tThere\u2019s\ta\tstrange\tkind\tof\tgrace\tin\tthe\theavy twist\tof\this\tbody.\tIf\tI\thad\tto\tlabel\tthe\timage,\tit\twould\tbe\tYearning. \u201cHey.\tEverything\tokay?\u201d He\t looks\t at\t me\t with\t an\t expression\t that\t makes\t my\t heart\t shake.\t Like\t he\u2019s reminding\thimself\tI\u2019m\tactually\there.\tLike\tI\u2019m\tnot\tjust\tin\this\thead. \u201cAre\tyou\tsad?\u201d \u201cNot\tyet.\u201d\tHe\tcloses\this\teyes. \u201cI\u2019ll\tdrive\tfor\ta\tbit.\u201d\tI\thold\tout\tmy\thand. He\tshakes\this\thead.\t\u201cYou\u2019re\tmy\tguest.\tI\u2019ll\tdrive.\tYou\u2019re\ttired.\u201d \u201cOh,\tI\u2019m\tyour\tguest\tnow?\u201d\tI\tput\tas\tmuch\tmenace\tas\tI\tcan\tinto\tmy\twalk\tand he\t puts\t both\t hands\t behind\t his\t back.\t I\t smile\t at\t him\t and\t he\t smiles\t back.\t I\u2019m surprised\t the\t pinprick\t stars\t above\t us\t don\u2019t\t explode\t into\t silver\t powder.\t The sadness\tI\tcaught\tin\this\teyes\tis\tburned\taway\tby\ta\tspark\tof\tamusement. \u201cMy\thostage.\tMy\tblackmailed,\tunwilling\tcaptive.\tStockholm\tShortcake.\u201d \u201cKeys.\u201d\t I\t put\t my\t arms\t around\t his\t waist\t to\t get\t them\t from\t his\t closed\t fist. Then\tI\tlean\tagainst\thim\tand\ttighten\tmy\tarms. \u201cLet\t go.\t Come\t on.\u201d\t I\t extract\t the\t key,\t but\t he\t hugs\t my\t shoulders.\t We\t stand there\tfor\tanother\tlong\tmoment.\tCars\twhip\tpast\tin\ta\tsteady\tstream. \u201cI\t want\t you\t to\t know\t I\t don\u2019t\t expect\t anything\t from\t you\t this\t weekend,\u201d\t Josh says\tabove\tmy\thead. I\t lean\t back\t and\t look\t up\t at\t him.\t \u201cWhatever\t happens,\t I\u2019m\t pretty\t sure\t we\u2019re going\tto\tbe\talive\tcome\tMonday\tmorning.\tUnless\tyour\tsexuality\tis\tas\tdeadly\tas\tI suspect,\tin\twhich\tcase,\tI\u2019m\ta\tgoner.\u201d \u201cBut,\u201d\t he\t protests\t helplessly.\t I\t hug\t him\t harder\t and\t press\t my\t cheek\t against his\tsolar\tplexus. \u201cIt\u2019s\tgoing\tto\thappen,\tJosh.\tWe\tjust\tneed\tto\tget\tit\tout\tof\tour\tsystems.\tI\tthink that\u2019s\twhat\tit\u2019s\tall\tbeen\tbuilding\ttoward.\u201d \u201cYou\tsound\ta\tlittle\tresigned.\u201d","\u201cI\tcan\tonly\tapologize\tin\tadvance\tfor\tthe\tthings\tI\u2019ll\tdo\tto\tyou.\u201d He\tlaughs\tand\tshivers\tand\tpushes\tme\taway. \u201cLook,\t it\u2019s\t just\t one\t weekend.\u201d\t I\t keep\t my\t voice\t light.\t I\t think\t I\t convince\t us both\twith\tit. I\t have\t to\t jiggle\t the\t driver\u2019s\t seat\t forward\t about\t a\t mile,\t necessitating\t quite\t a lot\t of\t jerky\t pelvic\t thrusts.\t He\t slides\t the\t passenger\t seat\t back\t without\t comment and\t watches\t me\t as\t I\t struggle.\t I\t snap\t on\t my\t seat\t belt\t and\t angle\t the\t rearview mirror\tdown\tabout\ta\tmile. \u201cWant\ta\tphone\tbook\tto\tsit\ton?\tHow\u2019d\tyou\tget\tso\tsmall?\u201d \u201cI\tshrank\tin\tthe\twash.\u201d\tI\tnavigate\tus\tback\tto\tthe\thighway. \u201cOver\thalfway\tthere\tnow.\u201d\tHis\tknee\thas\tstarted\tjiggling. \u201cTry\tto\trelax.\u201d\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tknown\tJosh\tto\tbe\tnervous\tbefore.\tI\tfeel\thim\tturn\tto stare\tat\tme.\tIt\u2019s\tall\twe\tever\tdo. \u201cWhy\tdo\twe\tdo\tit?\tStare\tat\teach\tother?\u201d \u201cI\tknow\twhy\tI\tdo\tit.\tBut\tyou\tgo\tfirst.\u201d\tHe\tthinks\tI\twon\u2019t\tcall\this\tbluff,\tso\tI do. \u201cI\u2019m\t always\t trying\t to\t work\t out\t what\t you\u2019re\t thinking.\u201d\t I\t toss\t him\t a triumphant\tglance,\tas\tif\tto\tsay,\tSee,\tI\tcan\tbe\thonest.\tSort\tof. \u201cI\tstare\tbecause\tI\tlike\tlooking\tat\tyou.\tYou\u2019re\tinteresting\tto\tlook\tat.\u201d \u201cUrg.\tInteresting.\tWorst\tcompliment\tever.\tMy\tpoor\tshriveled\tego.\u201d Immediately\t I\t give\t myself\t a\t little\t mental\t slap.\t Fishing\t for\t compliments\t is\t a cardinal\tsin.\t\u201cNever\tmind,\tI\twas\tonly\tjoking.\tHey,\tlook\tat\tthat\told\tfarmhouse.\tI want\tto\tlive\tthere.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\t mainly\t your\t eyes.\u201d\t His\t voice\t hangs\t in\t the\t space\t between\t my\t shoulder and\t his.\t A\t fine\t mist\t of\t rain\t has\t started\t to\t grit\t on\t the\t windshield.\t I\t grip\t the steering\twheel\ttighter. \u201cThose\tabsolutely\tinsane\teyes.\tEyes\tlike\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tseen\tbefore.\u201d \u201cGee\tthanks.\tInsane.\u201d\tI\tfeel\tmyself\tsmile\tanyway.\t\u201cI\tguess\tit\u2019s\taccurate.\u201d \u201cYou\tcalled\tmy\tbody\tinsane.\tI\tmean\tit\tin\tthe\tsame\tway.\tIt\tsort\tof\thelps\tyou can\u2019t\tlook\tat\tme.\tI\tcan\ttell\tyou.\u201d The\t rain\t is\t falling\t heavier,\t and\t I\t set\t the\t wipers\t on\t intermittent,\t trying\t to focus\ton\tthe\tcar\tin\tfront.\tHe\tswitches\toff\tthe\tradio,\tand\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhy\tbut\tit feels\tlike\ta\tthreat.\tLike\tthe\tclick\tof\ta\tdoor,\tlocking\tme\tin. \u201cThe\t most\t gorgeous\t eyes\t I\u2019ve\t ever\t seen.\u201d\t He\t says\t it\t like\t he\t wants\t me\t to understand\tthe\timportance. I\tam\tgrateful\tfor\tthe\tdark\tbecause\tI\tblush.\t\u201cThanks.\u201d A\t sigh\t gusts\t out\t of\t him,\t and\t when\t he\t speaks\t again\t it\u2019s\t a\t strip\t of\t velvet","rubbing\tagainst\tthe\tsensitive\tshell\tof\tmy\tear.\tI\ttry\tto\tglance\tat\thim\tbut\the\ttuts. \u201cBut\tyour\tlittle\tred\tValentine\tmouth\t.\t.\t.\u201d He\t trails\t off\t and\t makes\t a\t noise\t partway\t between\t a\t groan\t and\t a\t sigh.\t Goose bumps\tsweep\tup\tmy\tarms.\tI\tbite\tmy\tlip\tin\tcase\tI\trespond.\tMaybe\tthe\tmore\tsilent I\tam,\tthe\tmore\the\u2019ll\tlet\tloose. \u201cThis\t one\t time,\t you\t wore\t a\t white\t shirt\t and\t I\t could\t see\t your\t bra.\t It\t was\t a colored\tlace.\tMaybe,\tlike,\tpink\tor\tpale\tpurple.\tI\tcould\tsee\tthe\tfaintest\toutline\tof it.\t It\t was\t one\t of\t the\t days\t when\t we\t had\t a\t huge\t fight,\t and\t you\t ended\t up\t leaving early\tbecause\tyou\twere\tso\tangry.\u201d \u201cThat\t could\t have\t been\t a\t few\t occasions.\t You\u2019ll\t have\t to\t narrow\t it\t down further\tfor\tme.\u201d\tI\twish\the\twouldn\u2019t\tremind\tme\tof\tmoments\tlike\tthat. \u201cI\thave\tlain\tin\tbed\tso\tmany\tnights\tthinking\tabout\tyour\tcolored\tlace\tbra\tunder the\twhite\tshirt.\tHow\tembarrassing,\u201d\the\tconfides,\tshifting\ta\tlittle\tin\this\tseat. When\the\tspeaks\tagain,\this\tvoice\tcoils\tinto\tmy\tear. \u201cAnd\t the\t dream\t you\t once\t told\t me\t about?\t You\t were\t only\t dressed\t in\t sheets, with\tsome\tmystery\tguy\tpressed\tup\tagainst\tyou?\u201d \u201cOh,\tyeah.\tMy\tstupid\tdream.\u201d \u201cI\tthought\tmaybe\tyou\tmeant\tit\twas\tme\tin\tyour\tdream.\u201d \u201cIt\twas\tall\ta\tlie.\u201d\tIt\tfalls\tout\tof\tmy\tmouth. \u201cI\tsee,\u201d\the\tsays\tafter\ta\tlong\tpause.\t\u201cWell\tdone,\tI\tguess.\tYou\tgot\tme\twound up\tover\tit.\u201d I\u2019ve\tdamaged\tthe\tlittle\tmomentum\the\thad\tgoing\tand\tI\tregret\tit\tinstantly.\tHe begins\tto\tpull\thimself\tstraighter\tin\tthe\tseat. \u201cI\tdid\thave\tthe\tdirtiest\tdream\tof\tmy\tentire\tlife.\tBut\tit\twasn\u2019t\tlike\tI\ttold\tyou.\u201d He\t sinks\t back\t down\t into\t his\t seat.\t I\t can\t sense\t his\t face\t is\t turned\t away.\t I\t can imagine\this\tembarrassment.\tIf\the\u2019d\ttold\tme\tabout\ta\tdream\tand\tlet\tme\tbelieve\tit was\tabout\tme,\tI\u2019d\tfeel\tridiculous,\tcarrying\this\tlie\tin\tmy\thead. \u201cThe\tdream\twas\tdefinitely\tabout\tyou,\tJosh.\u201d Now\t it\u2019s\t my\t turn\t to\t talk\t like\t he\u2019s\t not\t there.\t The\t sound\t of\t my\t own\t voice sounds\tscratched-up\tand\thusky\tand\tthe\train\tis\tfalling\tharder\tas\tI\tdrive.\tI\tcan\tsee the\treflective\teyes\tof\ta\tforest\tanimal\ton\tthe\troadside\tas\tI\tbring\tthe\tcar\taround\ta long\tcurve. \u201cI\u2019d\tgone\tto\tbed\tthinking\tabout\tyou,\tand\thow\tI\twanted\tto\tmess\twith\tyou\tby wearing\t the\t short\t black\t dress.\t I\t wanted\t you\t to\t look\t at\t me\t and\t .\t .\t .\t notice\t me.\t I still\t don\u2019t\t know\t exactly\t why\t I\t wanted\t to\t wear\t that\t dress.\t And\t during\t the\t night you\t showed\t up\t in\t my\t dream.\t You,\t pressing\t me\t down,\t tangling\t me\t up\t in bedsheets.\u201d","He\tbreathes\tout\tin\ta\trush.\tI\tneed\tto\tget\tthis\tout. \u201cIt\t was\t something\t you\u2019d\t said\t to\t me\t during\t the\t day\t at\t work.\t You\u2019d\t said\t to me,\t \u2018I\u2019m\t going\t to\t work\t you\t so\t fucking\t hard.\u2019\t Any\t girl\t would\t have\t an\t erotic dream\tafter\tyou\tsaid\tthat\tto\ther.\tEven\tone\twho\thated\tyour\tguts.\u201d Silence.\tI\tpress\ton. \u201c\u2018I\u2019m\t going\t to\t work\t you\t so\t fucking\t hard.\u2019\t You\t said\t it\t to\t me\t in\t my\t dream. And\tyou\tsmiled\tat\tme,\tand\tI\twoke\tmyself\tup\ton\tthe\tedge\tof\tcoming.\u201d \u201cSeriously,\u201d\the\tmanages\tto\tsay. \u201cI\t almost\t came\t from\t the\t thought\t of\t you\t pressing\t me\t down\t and\t smiling\t at me.\u201d I\tcan\tsee\tout\tthe\tcorner\tof\tmy\teye\this\thands\tare\tin\tfists\ton\this\tknees. \u201cIs\tthat\tall\tit\twould\ttake?\tBecause\tit\tcan\tbe\tarranged.\u201d \u201cI\t was\t shocked\t as\t hell\t and\t I\t acted\t all\t weirded\t out\t the\t next\t day.\t Exit\t the highway\there?\u201d As\tthe\toff-ramp\tapproaches\the\tmakes\ta\tsound\tlike\ta\tstrangled\tyes.\tI\tindicate and\t exit.\t He\t shifts\t again\t in\t his\t seat.\t I\t glance\t over\t at\t his\t lap.\t A\t streetlight helpfully\tgives\tme\tone\tgorgeous\tfreeze-frame\tof\ta\thard,\theavy\tangle. \u201cSo\twhy\u2019d\tyou\tlie\tthen,\tabout\tyour\tdream?\u201d \u201cI\t didn\u2019t\t want\t to\t even\t say\t a\t word,\t but\t you\t wouldn\u2019t\t let\t up.\t How\t could\t I confess?\tI\twas\ttoo\tembarrassed.\tI\tthought\tyou\u2019d\ttease\tme.\tSo\tI\tlied.\u201d \u201cYour\t tiny\t little\t dress\t .\t .\t .\u201d\t He\t mutters\t something\t to\t himself.\t We\t both\t do identical\t squirms\t in\t our\t seats.\t His\t eyes\t slide\t sideways\t to\t my\t lap,\t and\t we\t both understand\teach\tother\tperfectly. The\t main\t street\t of\t Port\t Worth\t is\t wide\t and\t divided\t by\t wide\t verges\t planted with\t mounds\t of\t petunias\t and\t geraniums\t that\t glow\t red\t in\t our\t headlights\t and under\tbrass\tstreetlights.\tDuring\tthe\tday,\tthis\tplace\tis\tundoubtedly\tgorgeous. \u201cIt\t was\t the\t same\t day\t I\t thought\t you\t were\t lying\t about\t your\t date.\t Left\t here, then\tfollow\tthe\troad\tas\tfar\tas\tit\tgoes.\u201d Surely\the\u2019ll\tlaugh.\tIt\u2019s\tsort\tof\tfunny\twhen\tyou\tthink\tabout\tit. \u201cYeah,\tI\tdid\tlie\tabout\tit.\u201d There\u2019s\ta\tpause,\tand\tthis\ttime\tI\u2019m\tin\ta\thell\tof\ta\tlot\tof\ttrouble. \u201cLucinda.\tWhat\tthe\tfuck?\tWhy\twould\tyou\tdo\tthat?\u201d\tHis\tanger\tis\tvisceral. \u201cYou\twere\tsitting\tthere\tat\tyour\tdesk,\tlooking\tat\tme\tlike\tI\twas\ta\tloser.\u201d \u201cFucking\thell.\tIs\tmy\tface\tso\tfucking\tdifficult\tto\tread?\u201d\tWhen\tI\tsay\tnothing, he\tshakes\this\thead. \u201cSo\tsomehow\tI\tcaused\tall\tof\tthis?\tDanny\tsniffing\taround\tlike\ta\tlittle\tdog?\u201d \u201cYes,\tit\twas\ta\tlie,\tbut\tyou\twouldn\u2019t\tlet\tit\tgo.\tYou\tsaid\tyou\twere\tgoing\tto\tthe","same\tbar\ttoo.\tHow\tcould\tI\tsit\tthere\talone?\tI\thad\tto\tgo\tdown\tto\tdesign\tand\tfind someone.\tHe\twas\tthe\tone\tI\tknew\twould\tsay\tyes.\u201d \u201cYou\t wouldn\u2019t\t have\t been\t sitting\t there\t alone.\t I\t would\t have\t been\t there.\t It would\thave\tbeen\tme.\u201d My\tmouth\tdrops\topen,\tand\the\traises\ta\thand\tto\tsilence\tme. \u201cYou\t think\t he\u2019s\t your\t friend,\t but\t he\t wants\t more\t from\t you.\t It\u2019s\t painfully obvious.\t Next\t time\t I\t see\t him,\t I\u2019m\t going\t to\t explain\t a\t few\t things\t about\t you\t and me.\tJust\tso\the\u2019s\tclear.\u201d \u201cIs\tthat\tright?\tI\tthink\tyou\tshould\ttry\texplaining\tthings\tto\tme\tfirst.\u201d \u201cThe\tentrance\tis\tthere.\u201d I\tpull\tup\tin\tfront\tof\tthe\tPort\tWorth\tGrand\tHotel.\tIt\tglows,\topulent\tand\tgold, lawns\t groomed\t to\t perfection\t in\t the\t beam\t of\t our\t headlights.\t A\t parking\t valet signals\tto\tme\tand\tI\tmanage\tto\tput\tthe\tcar\tin\tpark\tand\tslide\tout\tonto\tshaky\tlegs, grabbing\tat\tmy\tpurse. I\t go\t to\t the\t trunk,\t but\t another\t hotel\t guy\t dressed\t like\t a\t toy\t soldier\t is\t already taking\tour\tbags\tout.\tJosh\tlooks\ton\twith\ta\tbored,\tirritated\texpression. \u201cThank\tyou.\u201d\tI\ttip\tthem\tboth.\t\u201cThank\tyou\tso\tmuch.\u201d Josh\t goes\t to\t the\t reservations\t desk.\t The\t receptionist\t visibly\t flinches\t when blasted\t by\t his\t blue\t laser-eyes.\t I\t turn\t a\t full\t circle\t in\t the\t lobby.\t Everything\t is\t in shades\t of\t red;\t strawberry,\t ruby,\t blood,\t wine.\t A\t giant\t tapestry\t with\t a\t faded medieval\t scene\t hangs\t down\t one\t wall.\t A\t lion\t and\t a\t unicorn\t both\t kneel\t before\t a woman.\tA\tchandelier\thangs\tabove\tme\tfrom\tthe\tcenter\tof\tan\telaborately\tcorniced ceiling.\t There\t is\t a\t spiral\t staircase\t above\t me,\t scrolling\t up\t about\t four\t floors\t in concentric\tcircles.\tIt\u2019s\tlike\tbeing\tinside\ta\theart. \u201cIt\u2019s\tsomething,\thuh?\u201d\tA\tman\tin\ta\tsuit\tsays\tto\tme\tfrom\tthe\tbar\tnearby. \u201cIt\u2019s\t gorgeous.\u201d\t I\t have\t my\t hands\t clasped\t in\t front\t of\t me\t like\t a\t schoolgirl.\t I look\tfor\tJosh,\tbut\tI\tcan\u2019t\tsee\thim. \u201cIt\t looks\t even\t better\t from\t here\t at\t the\t bar,\u201d\t the\t suit\t guy\t says,\t gesturing\t me over. \u201cNice\ttry,\u201d\tJosh\tsays\tsharply,\tjoining\tme.\tHe\tscoops\tan\tarm\taround\tme\tand walks\tme\ttoward\tthe\televator.\tI\thear\ta\tlaughed\tapology\u2014Sorry,\tpal!\u2014behind\tus. \u201cHow\tmany\tkeys\tdo\tyou\thave\tin\tyour\thand?\u201d\tHe\tpresses\tthe\televator\tbutton and\the\tholds\tup\ta\tsingle\tswipe\tcard\tlike\the\u2019s\tgot\tthe\twinning\tpoker\thand. \u201cOnly\t a\t certain\t number\t of\t rooms\t were\t reserved\t for\t the\t wedding.\t I\t tried\t to get\tyou\tyour\town\troom\tbut\tthe\tentire\thotel\tis\tbooked.\tThis\tis\tPatrick\u2019s\tidea\tof\ta joke.\u201d I\tknow\twhen\the\u2019s\tlying,\tand\the\u2019s\tnot.\tHe\u2019s\tcompletely\tirritated.\tI\tlook\tover","my\tshoulder\tat\tthe\treceptionist,\twho\tis\tbeing\tcomforted\tby\this\tsupervisor. When\t we\t find\t our\t room,\t he\t takes\t four\t tries\t to\t get\t the\t swipe\t card\t into\t the door\t handle.\t I\t take\t two\t attempts\t to\t get\t past\t him\t when\t he\t holds\t the\t door\t open, but\t when\t I\t accidentally\t bump\t into\t him\t every\t rounded\t girly\t part\t of\t me\t bumps across\thim\tlike\ta\tball\tin\ta\tpinball\tmachine.\tBoob,\thip,\tass. Our\tbags\tare\tdeposited.\tJosh\ttips.\tThe\tdoor\tshuts\tand\twe\tare\talone.","Chapter\t21 The\tway\the\tlays\tthe\tswipe\tcard\ton\tthe\tdresser\tto\this\tleft\tis\tslow\tand\tdeliberate. I\t briefly\t feel\t fear.\t He\u2019s\t a\t huge,\t dark,\t shaking\t mass\t walking\t toward\t me,\t atoms vibrating,\tblurring\tmy\tvision\tas\the\tsteps\tto\tme\tand\tpresses\this\ttoe\tagainst\tmine. The\tStaring\tGame\thas\tnever\tbefore\ttaken\tplace\tin\ta\tlocked\thotel\troom. He\treleases\tthe\tbutton\ton\tmy\tcoat\twith\tthe\tsnap\tof\this\tfingers.\tThe\ttraitorous garment\tflips\topen,\tas\tif\tto\tsay\tHelp\tyourself,\tmister!\tHe\tslides\this\thands\tinside, and\this\teyelashes\tdroop\ta\tlittle\twhen\tI\tarch\tinto\this\ttouch.\tHe\tanchors\this\tfingers at\tthe\tsmall\tof\tmy\tback,\tfingers\tdigging\tsoftly\tinto\tmy\tspine. \u201cLet\u2019s\tdo\tthis.\u201d\tI\tshould\twrite\tsonnets.\tI\thook\tmy\thand\tinto\this\tbelt\tand\ttug him\ttoward\tthe\tbed.\tHe\tlowers\tme\tdown\tcarefully\tonto\tthe\tedge\tof\tthe\tmattress and\tcuffs\tmy\tankle\twith\tone\thand.\tI\tcan\tfeel\thim\tshaking.\tHe\ttakes\tmy\tshoes\toff and\tputs\tthem\tbeside\tthe\tbed\ttidily. It\u2019s\t been\t forever\t since\t I\t last\t felt\t a\t man\u2019s\t skin\t against\t mine.\t For\t as\t long\t as I\u2019ve\tknown\tJosh,\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tcelibate.\tI\tprobably\thave\tsome\tconfusion\tin\tmy\teyes when\tI\trealize\tit.\tHe\tsees\tit,\tand\tstrokes\this\tfinger\tunder\tmy\tchin. \u201cI\twas\tmore\tangry\tat\tmyself\tjust\tnow.\u201d He\tkneels\tdown\tbetween\tmy\tfeet.\tA\tnice\tboy,\tkneeling\tbeside\this\tbed,\tabout to\tsay\this\tprayers. His\tdark\tblue\teyes\tare\tstubborn\twhen\the\tlooks\tat\tme\tagain.\tI\tam\tcertain\the\u2019s about\tto\tkiss\tmy\tcheek\tand\tleave,\tso\tI\thook\tone\tleg\taround\this\twaist\tand\ttug\thim into\tthe\tcradle\tof\tmy\tthighs.\tA\tnoise\tlike\toof\tfalls\tout\tof\this\tmouth\tand\tI\ttake\this jaw\tin\tboth\tof\tmy\thands\tand\tkiss\thim. Usually,\the\tlikes\tkissing\tsoft.\tTonight,\tI\tlike\tkissing\thard.\tI\tpress\this\tmouth open\tthe\tmoment\tour\tlips\ttouch.\tHe\ttries\tto\tslow\tme,\tbut\tI\twon\u2019t\tlet\thim.\tI\tnip\tat him\tuntil\the\tpushes\this\thips\tagainst\tme.\tI\tfeel\ta\tsolid\tthud\tagainst\tme. If\tI\tever\tthought\tI\twas\tan\taddict\tbefore,\tit\twas\ta\tvast\tunderstatement.\tI\twant to\tOD\ton\thim.\tBy\tthe\tend\tof\tthis\tweekend,\tI\u2019ll\tbe\tlegless\tin\ta\tback\talley,\tunable to\t say\t my\t own\t name.\t At\t least\t I\t understand\t this\t lust.\t I\t can\t deal\t with\t this,\t and frankly,\tit\u2019s\tthe\tonly\toutlet\twe\u2019ve\tgot.\tI\tam\tholding\thim\twith\tmy\tlegs\tand\tarms","in\t an\t iron\t grip\t and\t it\u2019s\t a\t surprise\t when\t I\t feel\t a\t dropping\t sensation.\t I\t open\t my eyes\tand\trealize\the\u2019s\tstanding\tup,\ttaking\tme\twith\thim. \u201cAre\tyou\tgoing\tto\tkill\tme\ttonight?\u201d\the\tasks\tagainst\tmy\tmouth,\tand\tI\tkiss\thim again\tfiercely. \u201cI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\ttry.\u201d My\t last\t boyfriend,\t the\t last\t man\t I\t had\t sex\t with\t forever\t ago,\t was\t only\t about five-six.\t He\t could\t never\t have\t picked\t me\t up.\t He\u2019d\t have\t ruptured\t a\t disc\t in\t his fragile,\tboy-sized\tspine.\tJosh\tsinks\tdown\tonto\ta\tbeautiful\twing-backed\tarmchair I\u2019d\tonly\tdimly\tregistered\twhen\twe\tfirst\tcame\tin. My\twhole\tlife,\tbefore\tJosh,\tI\u2019ve\tscoffed\tat\tguys\twho\tmade\tdisplays\tof\ttheir strength.\t But\t maybe\t a\t little\t part\t of\t me\t still\t exists\t who\t loves\t to\t be\t carried\t and coddled.\tMy\tskirt\thas\tslid\tup\tso\thigh\the\tcan\tprobably\tsee\tmy\tunderwear,\tbut\this eyes\tdon\u2019t\tstray\tdown.\tThe\tword\tgentleman\tflashes\tthrough\tmy\tmind. He\traises\ta\thand\tand\tonce\tupon\ta\ttime\tI\twould\thave\tflinched,\tbut\tnow\tI\tlean into\this\tpalm. \u201cSlow\tdown.\u201d I\tshake\tmy\thead\tin\tdisbelief,\tbut\the\tlooks\tme\tin\tthe\teye.\t\u201cPlease.\u201d Doubt\tbegins\tto\tspread\tthrough\tme.\t\u201cDon\u2019t\tyou\twant\tto?\u201d He\trolls\this\thips.\tThe\theavy,\tpainfully\thard\tproof\tis\tagainst\tme.\tHe\twants\tme so\t badly\t his\t eyes\t have\t gone\t their\t signature\t serial-killer\t black.\t I\t press\t my eyebrow\tto\this.\tWe\tbreathe\tagainst\teach\tother,\tlips\tbarely\ttouching. He\t wants\t to\t press\t his\t mouth\t against\t my\t skin.\t Bite.\t Eat.\t Devour.\t He\t wants me,\t hands\t and\t knees.\t Wet\t skin\t and\t cold\t air.\t Fingers\t sliding\t into\t me.\t His whispered\t words\t barely\t audible\t over\t my\t labored\t breathing.\t Tears\t of\t frustration and\twet\tmascara\tmarking\ta\tRorschach\tpattern\ton\tthe\tpillowcase. I\talready\tknow\twhat\tI\u2019ll\tget\tfrom\thim.\tCoaxing,\ttormenting,\ta\tdarkly\tworded warning\twhen\tI\tget\ttoo\tclose.\tI\u2019ll\tbe\trolled\tinto\twhatever\tposition\the\tfeels\tlike, bossy\thands\tcupping,\ttilting,\ttightening,\tand\tgentling. But\t I\t also\t know\t he\u2019ll\t make\t me\t laugh.\t Sigh.\t He\u2019ll\t tease\t me,\t chide\t my theatrics,\t make\t me\t smile\t even\t when\t I\t want\t to\t strangle\t him.\t My\t defiance\t will earn\tme\ta\tdelay.\tMy\tacquiescence,\ta\tkiss. It\u2019s\twhat\the\tis\tcreating,\tof\tcourse.\tDelay.\tHe\twants\tto\tplay\twith\tme\tuntil\tmy orgasm\thits\tme,\thours\tafter\tthe\tfirst\ttouch.\tHe\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tmake\tthis\tlittle\tEaster egg\t last\t for\t days.\t Shard\t by\t shard.\t Melting\t on\t his\t tongue.\t He\t wants\t to\t do\t it\t so many\t times\t that\t we\t lose\t count,\t and\t probably\t die\t in\t the\t process.\t He\t wants\t to make\t sure\t I\u2019m\t addicted\t to\t him.\t I\t know\t what\t I\u2019ll\t get\t from\t him\t in\t bed,\t all\t right. It\u2019s\twhat\tI\u2019ve\talways\tgotten\tfrom\thim.","Every\t single\t pornographic\t image\t is\t flickering\t in\t my\t eyes\t because\t he\u2019s licking\this\tlips\tand\this\teyes\tdrop\tto\tthe\tsheer\tlace\tat\tthe\ttops\tof\tmy\tstockings.\tHe tries\tto\tspeak\tbut\tcan\u2019t. I\u2019m\tunbuttoning\this\tshirt\tvery\tclumsily,\tdragging\teach\tbutton\tthrough\tuntil\tI hear\ta\tthread\tsnap. \u201cWhy\t do\t all\t colors\t make\t your\t skin\t so\t lovely?\t Even\t the\t horrendous mustard.\u201d\tI\tdrop\tmy\tmouth\tto\this\tneck.\t\u201cBeautiful\tman,\tinhumanly\tpretty\tunder fluorescents\tin\tthe\toffice.\u201d \u201cGreen,\tthe\tcolor\tof\tenvy.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\ta\tjealous\tpsycho\tlately.\u201d \u201cMustard,\tthe\tcolor\tof\tColonels.\tLet\u2019s\tburn\tit.\u201d \u201cSure,\tShortcake.\tYou\tcan\tburn\tmy\tshirt.\tIn\ta\tbarrel,\tin\tan\talleyway.\u201d He\u2019s\t laughing\t and\t then\t sighing\t against\t my\t throat,\t not\t making\t it\t remotely easy\tfor\tme\tas\tI\tget\tas\tmany\tshirt\tbuttons\topen\tas\tI\tcan.\tI\tslide\tmy\thands\tinside. \u201cYou\u2019re\tlike\tan\tanatomy\tposter\tunder\tall\tthis\tperfectly\tironed\tbusiness\tattire. I\talways\tsuspected\tit.\tClark\tKent.\u201d \u201cSlow\tdown.\u201d\tHe\ttakes\tboth\tmy\thands\tout\tof\this\tshirt.\tI\tstruggle\ta\tlittle,\tbut he\tholds\tme\tgently\tcuffed,\tand\ttilts\this\tface\tto\tmine. We\t begin\t kissing\t again;\t soft\t as\t silk,\t lighter\t than\t I\t could\t have\t believed\t was possible\tafter\tmy\trough\tlittle\tpaws\tmauled\thim\tso. His\tthumbs\tare\tpressing\tgently\tinto\tmy\twrists\tand\tI\u2019m\tarched\ta\tlittle,\tbreasts pressed\t into\t his\t chest\t as\t we\t kiss\t each\t other,\t achingly\t slowly.\t The\t wild impatience\t I\t was\t feeling\t has\t been\t checked\t a\t little,\t because\t maybe\t he\u2019s\t selling me\ton\tthe\tconcept\tof\tdelay. \u201cYou\u2019ve\t rushed\t things\t in\t the\t past,\t I\t think,\u201d\t he\t tells\t me,\t as\t if\t reading\t my mind.\t\u201cWhat\u2019s\tyour\thurry?\u201d Being\tkissed\tby\tJosh,\this\tlips\ttender\tand\tripe,\tis\ta\tpleasure\ton\tpar\twith\tsex. He\u2019s\t thinking\t of\t nothing\t but\t me\t and\t my\t reactions,\t learning\t what\t I\t like, withholding\t and\t giving\t and\t talking\t to\t me\t wordlessly.\t When\t I\t open\t my\t eyes\t a fraction\tto\ttake\ta\tpeek\tI\tsee\the\u2019s\tdoing\tthe\tsame\tthing. My\tstomach\tbottoms\tout\twhen\the\tsmiles\tagainst\tmy\tlips. \u201cHow\tYou\tDoing?\u201d\the\twhispers\tand\tI\tbite\tthe\twords\tsoftly\toff\this\ttongue. \u201cHow\twould\tyou\tsay\tI\u2019m\tdoing?\u201d His\thands\tfall\taway\tfrom\tmy\twrists\ttentatively.\tWhen\the\tis\tsatisfied\tI\tcan\tbe trusted\tto\tkeep\tour\tlazy\trhythm,\the\tcups\tmy\tass\tand\tgives\tit\ta\tfirm\tsqueeze. \u201cYou\u2019re\tdoing\tgreat.\tGoddamn,\tLuce.\u201d \u201cYou\t betcha.\u201d\t It\u2019s\t exhilarating,\t knowing\t I\t can\t now\t lay\t my\t mouth\t on\t him whenever\tI\twant.\tI\tlook\tover\this\tskin\tlike\ta\twarlord,\tand\the\u2019s\tmy\tnew\tterritory.","He\tshivers\tunder\tmy\tperusal. \u201cLet\u2019s\tplay\ta\tspecial\tgame,\u201d\tI\ttell\thim.\t\u201cIt\u2019s\tcalled\tWho\tComes\tFirst.\u201d \u201cAlso\tknown\tas\tGold\tMedal,\tSilver\tMedal.\u201d We\u2019re\tlaughing.\tI\u2019m\tunbuttoning\this\tcuff\twhen\this\tcell\tphone\tbegins\tto\tring. He\t ignores\t it,\t drawing\t my\t mouth\t back\t to\t his.\t My\t bottom\t lip\t is\t given\t a\t little pinch\twith\this\tteeth. \u201cSo\tpretty,\u201d\the\ttells\tme.\t\u201cJust\tso\tpretty.\u201d The\tphone\trings\ton\tand\ton.\tIt\tstops\tand\tI\tlet\tout\ta\tsigh\tof\trelief.\tThen\tit\tstarts ringing\t again.\t He\t flicks\t his\t eyes\t to\t mine,\t and\t I\t give\t him\t a\t frustrated\t shrug\t and climb\toff. \u201cI\u2019ll\tturn\tit\toff.\u201d He\tdigs\tin\this\tpocket\tand\tI\tsurvey\tmy\thandiwork.\tHe\u2019s\tsprawled\tin\tthe\tchair, legs\t everywhere,\t shirt\t unbuttoned,\t hair\t completely\t wrecked,\t eyes\t hazed\t and black. \u201cYou\tlook\tlike\ta\thot\tvirginal\tdork\twho\u2019s\tbeen\tdefiled\tin\tthe\tbackseat\tof\tmy car.\u201d His\t eyes\t spark\t with\t amusement.\t \u201cThat\u2019s\t how\t I\t feel.\u201d\t He\t unearths\t his\t cell and\tglances\tat\tit\tdismissively,\tbut\tthen\tlooks\tat\tit\tagain. \u201cIt\u2019s\tmy\tmom.\tOh,\tshit.\tI\tforgot\ther.\u201d I\tgo\tinto\tthe\tbathroom\tto\thide.\tShyness\ttakes\thold\tat\tthe\tthought\tof\tmeeting her.\t I\u2019m\t not\t sure\t what\t to\t do\t next,\t and\t I\t listen\t to\t his\t placating\t tone\t through\t the door.\t I\t wash\t my\t hands\t and\t press\t my\t swollen\t lips\t and\t stare\t at\t myself\t in\t the mirror.\tI\tlook\tlike\tthe\tporno\tversion\tof\tmyself. He\tspeaks\tthrough\tthe\tdoor.\t\u201cLuce.\tI\u2019m\tsorry,\tbut\tI\thave\tto\tgo\tdownstairs\tfor a\tfew\tminutes.\u201d I\topen\tthe\tdoor.\t\u201cIs\teverything\tokay?\u201d \u201cMom\u2019s\t downstairs.\t She\t made\t table\t centerpieces\t from\t her\t rose\t garden apparently,\t but\t she\t can\u2019t\t find\t any\t hotel\t staff\t to\t help\t her\t carry\t them\t all\t in\t and she\u2019s\t getting\t upset.\t Fucking\t hopeless.\t I\t need\t to\t go\t down\t there\t and\t kick someone\u2019s\tass.\u201d\tHe\trebuttons\this\tshirt. \u201cOf\tcourse.\tGo\ton.\tMake\tsome\tyoung\thotel\tworker\tcry.\tDo\tyou\twant\tme\tto come\tand\thelp?\u201d \u201cNo,\tyou\u2019re\ttired.\tDo\tyou\twant\tme\tto\torder\tyou\tany\troom\tservice?\tBring\tyou back\tsome\tcoffee?\u201d \u201cNo,\t it\u2019s\t okay.\t I\t might\t have\t a\t shower\t while\t you\u2019re\t gone.\t I\u2019m\t sure\t I\u2019ll\t be draped\tseductively\tacross\tthe\tbed\tin\tsomething\tlacy\tfor\twhen\tyou\tget\tback.\u201d He\twinces\tand\tadjusts\this\tpants\ta\tlittle.\tHe\u2019s\tso\ttorn,\tI\tfeel\tsorry\tfor\thim.","\u201cYou\tcan\u2019t\tleave\ther\tdown\tthere\tstruggling.\u201d \u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\thow\tlong\tI\u2019ll\tbe,\thopefully\ta\tfew\tminutes.\tBut\trelax,\tand\tI\u2019ll be\tback\tsoon.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\t okay.\t There\u2019s\t no\t way\t I\u2019m\t interested\t in\t making\t out\t with\t a\t guy\t who wouldn\u2019t\tgo\thelp\this\tupset\tmom.\tGo.\u201d The\tbathroom\tis\tnearly\tthe\tsize\tof\tmy\tbedroom.\tI\tshower\tand\twash\tmy\tface. When\tI\u2019m\tbrushing\tmy\tteeth,\tI\tlook\tat\tmy\tface,\tpale\tand\tdevoid\tof\tany\tmakeup, and\tremind\tmyself\the\u2019s\tseen\tme\tlike\tthis.\tIn\tfact,\the\u2019s\tseen\tme\teven\tworse. He\u2019s\tseen\tme\tsweating,\tvomiting,\tfeverish,\tand\tasleep.\tHe\u2019s\tseen\tme\tangry, frustrated,\tscared.\tHorny,\tlonely,\theartsick.\tNo\tmatter\thow\tI\tlook,\tit\tnever\tseems to\t faze\t him.\t He\t always\t looks\t at\t me\t exactly\t the\t same\t way.\t Knowing\t this\t gives me\tthe\tconfidence\tto\twalk\tout\tin\tmy\tSLEEPYSAURUS\tT-shirt\tand\tsleep\tshorts. It\t seemed\t like\t a\t funny\t idea\t at\t the\t time,\t but\t I\t catch\t a\t glimpse\t of\t myself\t in\t the dresser.\tI\tlook\tabout\tten\tyears\told.\tOh,\twell.\tNegligee\tLucy\twould\tbe\ta\tfake. Silence\t stretches\t on.\t I\t check\t my\t phone.\t Nothing.\t I\t push\t back\t the\t comforter and\t slide\t into\t the\t bed.\t I\t can\u2019t\t hold\t in\t the\t groan\t of\t relief.\t After\t the\t stress\t and tension\t of\t the\t last\t few\t days,\t this\t isn\u2019t\t as\t scary\t as\t I\t imagined\t it\t would\t be.\t The sheets\tquickly\tgrow\twarm\tand\tI\tpaddle\tmy\ttired\tfeet\tin\tpleasure. I\t lean\t back\t against\t the\t pile\t of\t pillows\t and\t turn\t the\t TV\t on.\t I\t find\t a\t channel playing\tER\tand\tit\tis\tstrangely\tcomforting.\tJosh\thas\tprobably\tseen\tthis\tone.\tI\ttry to\t watch\t for\t medical\t inaccuracies,\t but\t when\t my\t eyes\t become\t dry\t and\t tired\t I close\tthem.\tTo\tcalm\tmy\tnerves,\tI\thit\tPlay\ton\tmy\tmemory\tand\tbite\tback\ta\tyawn. I\u2019m\tthere\t again.\tThe\t night\tI\tswallowed\tmy\tgoddamn\tpride\tand\twent\tto\this apartment.\tMy\town\tpersonal\thappy\tplace\tin\tmy\tmind.\tI\u2019m\tcurled\ton\this\tcouch, the\tsoft\tdeep\tcushions\tcradling\tmy\tback.\tI\tfeel\tthe\tdipping\tweight\tof\thim\tsitting down\tbeside\tme,\tand\tI\tknow\tas\tlong\tas\the\u2019s\tthere,\tI\twill\tbe\tokay.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow how\tlong\twe\tdo\tthis.\tI\tsit\there\tholding\thands\twith\tthe\tmost\tintensely\tfascinating man\t I\u2019ve\t ever\t known.\t He\u2019s\t looking\t at\t me\t with\t fierce\t tenderness\t in\t his\t eyes. Eyes\tlike\the\tloves\tme. Now\tI\tknow\tI\tmust\tbe\tdreaming. I\tWAKE\tWHEN\tthe\tsun\tslices\tthrough\tthe\tcenter\tof\tmy\tpillow\tthrough\ta\tgap\tin the\thotel\tdrapes.\tMy\tfirst\tthought\tis,\tNo.\tI\u2019m\ttoo\tcomfortable. My\tsecond\tthought\tis:\tI\tfinally\tget\tto\tsee\tJosh\tasleep. Lying\tface-to-face\twith\tour\tpillows\ttouching,\twe\u2019ve\tbeen\tplaying\tthe\tStaring Game\t all\t night\t with\t our\t eyes\t closed.\t Each\t eyelash\t curves\t against\t his\t cheek, glossed\t and\t dark.\t I\u2019d\t kill\t for\t lashes\t like\t those,\t but\t they\t always\t seem\t to\t be","lavished\t upon\t the\t most\t masculine\t of\t men.\t He\u2019s\t hugging\t my\t arm\t like\t a\t teddy bear.\t I\t don\u2019t\t hate\t him.\t Not\t even\t a\t bit.\t It\u2019s\t a\t disaster\t that\t I\t don\u2019t.\t I\t smooth\t my fingers\tover\this\tbrow\tand\the\tfrowns.\tI\tpress\taway\tthe\tcrease. I\tprop\tup\tonto\tmy\telbow\tand\tsee\tthe\tbedside\tclock\treads\t12:42\tP.M.\tI\thave to\t check\t several\t times.\t How\t did\t we\t sleep\t past\t noon?\t Our\t mutual\t exhaustion from\tthe\tlast\tfew\tdays\thas\tresulted\tin\ta\tpretty\timpressive\tsleep-in. \u201cJosh.\u201d\t No\t point\t sticking\t with\t the\t formality\t of\t his\t full\t name\t when\t we\u2019re asleep\tin\tthe\tsame\tbed.\t\u201cWhat\ttime\u2019s\tthe\twedding?\u201d He\tjolts\tand\topens\this\teyes.\t\u201cHi.\u201d \u201cHi.\t What\t time\u2019s\t the\t wedding?\u201d\t I\t try\t to\t slither\t out\t of\t bed\t but\t he\t hugs\t my arm\ttighter. \u201cTwo\tP.M.\tBut\twe\thave\tto\tget\tthere\tearlier.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tgetting\tclose\tto\tone.\tIn\tthe\tafternoon.\u201d He\u2019s\ta\tlittle\tshocked.\t\u201cI\thaven\u2019t\tslept\tthis\tlate\tsince\thigh\tschool.\tWe\u2019re\tgoing to\tbe\tlate.\u201d\tRegardless\tof\tthis,\the\tnudges\tmy\telbow\tlike\tthe\tkickstand\tof\ta\tbike and\t I\t flop\t back\t down\t onto\t the\t mattress.\t I\t manage\t to\t glimpse\t some\t bare\t arm. He\u2019s\twearing\ta\tblack\ttank. \u201cNice\tarms.\u201d I\tslide\tmy\thands\tdown\tone,\twatching\tthem\tundulate\talong\teach\ttaut,\tdefined curve.\t Then\t I\t do\t it\t again.\t He\t watches,\t and\t the\t next\t time\t I\t use\t my\t fingernails. Goose\tbumps.\tMmmm.\tI\tbend\tmy\thead\tto\tkiss\tthem. \u201cYou\tare\tsomething\telse,\tJoshua\tTempleman.\u201d\tI\tpush\this\thair\taway\tfrom\this forehead.\tIt\u2019s\truffled\tand\tmessy.\tI\tspend\ta\tfew\tminutes\tgrooming\thim. \u201cAm\tI\ttrying\ttoo\thard\tto\tseduce\tyou?\u201d He\t rolls\t me\t closer.\t I\t never\t imagined\t Josh\t would\t be\t a\t cuddler.\t \u201cWell,\t you could\talways\ttry\tharder.\u201d He\u2019s\t so\t sweet.\t Lying\t in\t bed\t with\t him\t is\t pretty\t luscious.\t Without\t thinking\t I ask\tsomething\tI\u2019ve\talways\twanted\tto\tknow.\t\u201cWhen\twas\tyour\tlast\tgirlfriend?\u201d The\tquestion\tclangs\tlike\tI\u2019ve\tstruck\ta\tgong.\tWell\tdone,\tLucy.\tBring\tup\tother women\twhile\tlying\tin\tbed\twith\thim. \u201cUm.\u201d\t There\u2019s\t a\t long\t pause.\t So\t long\t I\t think\t he\u2019s\t either\t asleep\t or\t about\t to explain\the\twas\tmarried.\tHe\u2019s\ttoo\tyoung.\tSurely.\tHe\ttries\tagain.\t\u201cWell.\tUm.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t\t tell\t me\t you\u2019re\t waiting\t for\t your\t divorce\t to\t come\t through\t or something.\u201d His\tarm\tslides\tup\tthe\tmiddle\tof\tmy\tback,\tand\tmy\thead\trolls\tslowly\tonto\this shoulder.\t I\t can\t barely\t keep\t my\t eyes\t open,\t I\u2019m\t so\t comfortable.\t So\t warm. Surrounded\tby\this\tscent,\tand\tcotton\tsheets.","\u201cNo\tone\twould\tbe\tmasochistic\tenough\tto\tmarry\tme.\u201d I\u2019m\t a\t little\t indignant\t for\t him.\t \u201cSomeone\t would.\t You\u2019re\t completely gorgeous.\t And\t you\u2019re\t neat.\t Tall\t and\t muscly.\t And\t employed.\t And\t have\t a\t nice car.\tAnd\tperfect\tteeth.\tYou\u2019re\tbasically\tthe\topposite\tof\tmost\tguys\tI\u2019ve\tdated.\u201d \u201cSo\t they\u2019ve\t all\t been\t .\t .\t .\t hideous\t messy\t trolls\t .\t .\t .\t unemployed\t .\t .\t .\t and smaller\tthan\tyou?\tHow\tcould\tthat\teven\tbe\tpossible?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve\tbeen\treading\tmy\tdiary.\tThe\tlast\tguy\tI\tdated\twas\tso\tsmall\the\tcould wear\tmy\tjeans.\u201d \u201cBut\the\tmust\thave\tbeen\tnice.\tTo\tbe\tmy\topposite,\the\tmust\thave\tbeen\tso\tdarn nice.\u201d\tHe\tlooks\tat\tthe\twall. \u201cHe\twas,\tI\tguess.\tBut\tyou\tcan\tbe\tnice.\tYou\u2019re\tbeing\tnice\tright\tnow.\u201d I\tfeel\tteeth\ton\tmy\tcollarbone,\tand\tI\tsnort\twith\tamusement. \u201cOkay,\t you\u2019re\t never\t nice.\u201d\t The\t teeth\t are\t gone\t and\t a\t soft\t kiss\t is\t pressed against\tthe\tsame\tspot. \u201cSo\twhen\tdid\tyou\tbreak\tup\twith\tthis\tminiature\tman?\u201d\tHe\tbegins\tkissing\tmy throat,\t lazily,\t with\t care\t and\t gentleness.\t When\t I\t tilt\t my\t head\t to\t let\t him\t have better\taccess\tI\tsee\tthe\tclock\tradio\tagain.\tReal-world\to\u2019clock\tis\tfast\tapproaching. I\twonder\tif\tI\thave\ta\tgranola\tbar\tin\tmy\tpurse. \u201cIt\twas\tin\tthe\tcouple\tof\tmonths\tprior\tto\tthe\tB\tand\tG\tmerger.\tIt\thadn\u2019t\tbeen working\tfor\ta\twhile.\tIt\twas\tsuch\ta\tstressful\ttime\tat\twork,\tand\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tsee\thim\tas much,\tand\twe\tagreed\tto\ttake\ta\tbreak.\tThe\tbreak\tnever\tended.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s\ta\tlong\ttime.\u201d \u201cHence\tme\tdry-humping\tyou\tconstantly.\tBut\tyou\tnever\tanswered\tme.\tWait, don\u2019t\t tell\t me,\t I\t don\u2019t\t want\t to\t know.\u201d\t The\t thought\t of\t him\t pleasuring\t another woman\tis\ttoo\tmuch. \u201cWhy\tnot?\u201d \u201cJealous,\u201d\t I\t groan\t and\t he\t begins\t to\t laugh\t softly,\t but\t then\t sobers.\t He\u2019s painfully\tawkward\twhen\the\tfinally\texplains. \u201cI\t was\t seeing\t someone,\t but\t we\t broke\t up\t in\t the\t first\t week\t of\t moving\t to\t the new\tB\tand\tG\tbuilding.\tShe\tended\tit.\u201d \u201cB\tand\tG\truins\tanother\trelationship.\u201d\tI\twant\tto\tbite\tmy\ttongue\tbut\tthe\twords won\u2019t\tstop.\t\u201cI\tbet\tshe\twas\ttall.\u201d \u201cYeah,\tpretty\ttall.\u201d\tHe\treaches\tto\tthe\tside\ttable\tand\tretrieves\this\twatch. \u201cBlonde.\u201d He\tbuckles\tit\tand\tdoesn\u2019t\tlook\tat\tme.\t\u201cYes.\u201d \u201cGoddamn\t it,\t why\t are\t they\t always\t Tall\t Blondies?\t I\t bet\t she\t has\t brown\t eyes and\ta\ttan,\tand\ther\tdad\tis\ta\tplastic\tsurgeon.\u201d"]
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