["in\ta\tweird\tmood\tthis\tafternoon. I\t steeple\t my\t fingers\t and\t commence\t the\t Staring\t Game.\t It\t takes\t about\t three minutes\t but\t he\t eventually\t heaves\t a\t sigh\t and\t locks\t his\t screen.\t We\t stare\t so\t deep into\teach\tother\u2019s\teyes\twe\tjoin\teach\tother\tin\ta\tdark\t3-D\tcomputer\trealm;\tnothing but\tgreen\tgridlines\tand\tsilence. \u201cSo.\tNervous?\u201d \u201cWhy\twould\tI\tbe?\u201d \u201cYour\tbig\tdate,\tShortcake.\tYou\thaven\u2019t\thad\tone\tin\ta\twhile.\tAs\tlong\tas\tI\u2019ve known\t you,\t I\t think.\u201d\t He\t indicates\t quotation\t marks\t with\t his\t fingers\t at\t big\t date. He\u2019s\tpositive\tit\u2019s\tall\ta\tlie. \u201cI\u2019m\tway\ttoo\tpicky.\u201d He\tsteeples\this\tfingers\tso\thard\tit\tlooks\tpainful.\t\u201cReally.\u201d \u201cSuch\ta\tcomplete\tdrought\tof\teligible\tmen\there.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s\tnot\ttrue.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\tsearching\tfor\tyour\town\teligible\tbachelor?\u201d \u201cI\u2014no\u2014shut\tup.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\tright.\u201d\tI\tdrop\tmy\teyes\tto\this\tmouth\tfor\ta\tsplit\tsecond.\t\u201cI\u2019ve\tfinally found\t someone\t in\t this\t godforsaken\t place.\t The\t man\t of\t my\t dreams.\u201d\t I\t raise\t my eyebrow\tmeaningfully. He\tmakes\tthe\tconnection\tto\tour\tearly-morning\tconversation\tseamlessly.\t\u201cSo your\tdream\twas\tdefinitely\tabout\tsomeone\tyou\twork\twith.\u201d \u201cYes.\tHe\u2019s\tleaving\tB&G\tvery\tsoon,\tso\tmaybe\tI\tneed\tto\tmake\ta\tmove.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\tsure\tabout\tit.\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d\tI\tcan\u2019t\tremember\tthe\tlast\ttime\the\thas\tblinked\this\teyes.\tThey\tare\tblack and\tscary. \u201cYou\u2019ve\t got\t your\t serial\t killer\t eyes\t on\t again.\u201d\t I\t stand\t and\t take\t my\t proposal from\t him.\t \u201cI\u2019ll\t get\t you\t a\t copy\t for\t Fat\t Little\t Dick.\t Don\u2019t\t screw\t this\t up\t for\t me, Joshua.\tYou\u2019ve\tgot\tno\tconcept\tof\thow\tto\tbuild\ta\tteam.\tLeave\tthis\tto\tthe\texpert.\u201d When\t I\t return\t he\u2019s\t a\t little\t less\t dark\t looking,\t but\t his\t hair\t is\t messed\t up.\t He takes\tthe\tdocument,\twhich\tI\thave\tstamped\tCOPY. He\t looks\t at\t the\t document,\t and\t I\t can\t see\t the\t exact\t moment\t he\t has\t his\t idea. It\u2019s\tthe\tsharp\tpause\tthat\ta\tfox\tmakes\tas\tit\tmooches\tpast\tthe\tunlatched\tgate\tof\ta henhouse.\t He\t looks\t up\t at\t me,\t his\t eyes\t glittering.\t He\t bites\t his\t bottom\t lip\t and hesitates. \u201cWhatever\tyou\u2019re\tthinking,\tdon\u2019t.\u201d He\t takes\t a\t pen\t and\t writes\t something\t across\t the\t bottom.\t I\t try\t to\t see,\t but\t he stands\tand\tholds\tit\tso\thigh\ta\tcorner\ttouches\tthe\tceiling.\tI\tcan\u2019t\trisk\tstanding\ton","tiptoes\tin\tthis\tdress. \u201cHow\t could\t I\t possibly\t resist?\u201d\t He\t rounds\t his\t desk\t and\t touches\t his\t thumb under\tmy\tchin\tas\the\tbrushes\tpast. \u201cWhat\t have\t you\t done?\u201d\t I\t say\t to\t his\t back\t as\t he\t walks\t into\t Mr.\t Bexley\u2019s office.\tI\tscuttle\tinto\tHelene\u2019s,\trubbing\tmy\tchin. \u201cI\tagree,\u201d\tshe\tsays,\tlaying\tthe\tdocument\taside.\t\u201cThis\tis\ta\tgood\tidea.\tDid\tyou see\t how\t the\t Gamins\t and\t Bexleys\t sat\t apart\t in\t the\t team\t meeting?\t I\u2019m\t tired\t of\t it. We\t haven\u2019t\t done\t anything\t as\t a\t team\t since\t the\t merger-planning\t day.\t I\u2019m impressed\tthat\tyou\tand\tJoshua\tcame\ttogether.\u201d I\thope\tmy\tweird\tbrain\tdoesn\u2019t\tfile\taway\ther\tlast\tfilthy-sounding\tsentence. \u201cWe\tare\tworking\tout\tour\tdifferences.\u201d\tI\thave\tno\ttrace\tof\tlie\tin\tmy\tvoice. \u201cI\u2019ll\ttalk\tto\tBexley\tat\tour\tfour\to\u2019clock\tbattle\troyale.\tWhat\tare\tyour\tideas?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\t found\t a\t corporate\t retreat\t that\u2019s\t only\t fifteen\t minutes\t off\t the\t highway. It\u2019s\tone\tof\tthose\tplaces\twith\twhiteboards\tall\tover\tthe\twalls.\u201d \u201cSounds\texpensive.\u201d\tHelene\tmakes\ta\tface,\twhich\tI\thad\talready\tanticipated. \u201cI\u2019ve\t run\t the\t numbers.\t We\t were\t under\t the\t training\t budget\t for\t this\t financial year.\u201d \u201cSo\twhat\twill\twe\tdo\tat\tthis\tcorporate\tlove-in?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\talready\tcome\tup\twith\tseveral\tteam-building\tactivities.\t We\u2019ll\tdo\tthem in\ta\tround-robin\tstyle,\trotating\teach\tgroup\tso\tteams\tget\tregularly\tmixed\tup.\tI\u2019d like\tto\tbe\tthe\tfacilitator\tfor\tthe\tday.\tI\twant\tto\tend\tthis\twar\tbetween\tthe\tBexleys and\tGamins.\u201d \u201cPeople\tabsolutely\thate\tteam\tactivities,\u201d\tHelene\tpoints\tout. I\t can\u2019t\t argue.\t It\u2019s\t a\t corporate\t truth\t universally\t acknowledged\t that\t workers would\t rather\t eat\t rat\t skeletons\t than\t participate\t in\t group\t activities.\t I\t know\t I would.\tBut\tuntil\tbusiness\tteam-building\tmodels\tmake\ta\tsignificant\tadvance,\tit\u2019s all\tI\u2019ve\tgot. \u201cThere\u2019s\ta\tprize\tat\tthe\tend\tfor\tthe\tparticipant\twho\u2019s\tmade\tthe\tbiggest\teffort and\tcontributes\tthe\tmost.\u201d\tI\tpause\tfor\teffect.\t\u201cA\tpaid\tday\toff.\u201d \u201cI\tlike\tit,\u201d\tshe\tcackles. \u201cJoshua\tis\tplanning\tsomething\tthough,\u201d\tI\twarn.\tShe\tnods. She\t enters\t the\t Colosseum\t at\t precisely\t four.\t As\t usual,\t I\t can\t hear\t them shouting\tat\teach\tother. At\t five,\t Helene\t comes\t out\t of\t Mr.\t Bexley\u2019s\t office\t and\t arrives\t at\t my\t desk\t in an\t irritated\t state.\t \u201cJosh,\u201d\t she\t tosses\t over\t her\t shoulder,\t her\t voice\t colored\t with dislike. \u201cMs.\tPascal,\thow\tare\tyou?\u201d\tA\thalo\tfloats\tabove\this\thead.","She\t ignores\t him.\t \u201cDarling,\t I\u2019m\t sorry.\t I\t lost\t the\t coin\t toss.\t We\u2019ve\t gone\t with Josh\u2019s\tidea\tfor\tteam\tbuilding.\tWhat\tis\tthe\tthing\tcalled?\tPaintballs?\u201d Sweet\t baby\t Jesus,\t no.\t \u201cThat\t wasn\u2019t\t the\t recommendation.\t I\t should\t know;\t I wrote\tit.\u201d Joshua\t nearly\t smiles.\t It\t shimmers\t like\t a\t holograph\t over\t his\t face.\t It\t vibrates out\t of\t him\t in\t waves.\t \u201cI\t took\t the\t liberty\t of\t providing\t an\t alternative\t to\t Mr. Bexley.\t Paintballing.\t It\u2019s\t been\t shown\t to\t be\t an\t effective\t team-building\t activity. Fresh\tair,\tphysical\tactivity\t.\t.\t.\u201d \u201cInjuries\tand\tinsurance\tclaims,\u201d\tHelene\tcounters.\t\u201cCost.\u201d \u201cPeople\twill\tpay\ttwenty\tdollars\tof\ttheir\town\tmoney\tto\tshoot\ttheir\tcolleagues with\tpaintballs,\u201d\the\tassures\ther,\tstaring\tat\tme.\t\u201cIt\twon\u2019t\tcost\tthe\tcompany\ta\tcent. They\u2019ll\tsign\twaivers.\tWe\u2019ll\tsplit\tinto\tteams.\u201d \u201cDarling,\t how\t does\t it\t help\t team\t building\t to\t separate\t people\t and\t give\t them paint\tguns?\u201d While\tthey\targue\tin\tfake-polite\tvoices,\tI\tseethe.\tHe\u2019s\thijacked\tmy\tcorporate initiative\tand\ttaken\tit\tdown\tto\ta\tjuvenile,\tbase\tlevel.\tSuch\ta\tBexley\tthing\tto\tdo. \u201cPerhaps\twe\u2019ll\tsee\tsome\tunlikely\talliances\tform,\u201d\the\ttells\tHelene. \u201cIn\tthat\tcase,\tI\twant\tto\tsee\tyou\ttwo\tpaired\ttogether,\u201d\tHelene\tsays\tarchly\tand I\tcould\thug\ther.\tHe\tcan\u2019t\tpaintball\this\town\tteammate. \u201cLike\tI\tsaid,\tunlikely\talliances.\tAnyway,\tlet\u2019s\tnot\tfluster\tLucinda\tbefore\ther hot\tdate.\u201d \u201cOh,\t really,\t Lucy?\u201d\t Helene\t taps\t my\t desk.\t \u201cA\t date.\t I\t expect\t a\t full\t report\t in the\tmorning,\tdarling.\tAnd\tcome\tin\tlate\tif\tyou\twish.\tYou\twork\ttoo\tmuch.\tLive\ta little.\u201d","Chapter\t6 At\tsix\tthirty\tP.M.\tmy\tknee\tbegins\tjiggling. \u201cWill\tyou\tbe\tlate?\u201d \u201cNone\tof\tyour\tbusiness.\u201d\tGoddamn\tit,\twill\tJoshua\tever\tleave?\tHe\u2019s\tworked an\televen-hour\tday\tand\tstill\tlooks\tas\tfresh\tas\ta\tdaisy.\tI\twant\tto\tlie\tfacedown\ton my\tbed. \u201cDidn\u2019t\tyou\tsay\tseven?\tHow\tare\tyou\tgetting\tthere?\u201d \u201cCab.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t headed\t there\t too.\t I\u2019ll\t give\t you\t a\t ride.\t I\t insist.\u201d\t Joshua\u2019s\t face\t has\t been the\tpicture\tof\tamusement\tthroughout\tthis\tlittle\texchange.\tHe\u2019s\twaiting\tfor\tme\tto fess\tup\tabout\tlying.\tIt\tfeels\tgood\tto\tknow\tI\thave\tDanny\tas\tthe\tace\tup\tmy\tsleeve. \u201cFine.\t Whatever.\u201d\t My\t fury\t over\t the\t team-building\t hijack\t has\t burned\t away, leaving\ta\thusk.\tEverything\tis\tspiraling\tslowly\tout\tof\tcontrol. I\t head\t to\t the\t ladies\t room,\t makeup\t bag\t in\t hand.\t My\t footsteps\t echo\t in\t the empty\tcorridor.\tI\thaven\u2019t\thad\ta\tdate\tin\ta\tlong\ttime.\tI\u2019m\ttoo\tbusy.\tBetween\twork, hating\tJoshua\tTempleman,\tand\tsleeping,\tI\thave\tno\ttime\tfor\tanything\telse. Joshua\tcannot\tbelieve\tanyone\twould\twant\tto\tspend\ttime\tin\tmy\tcompany.\tTo him\tI\u2019m\ta\trepugnant\tlittle\tshrew.\tI\tcarefully\tdraw\tmy\teyeliner\tinto\ta\ttiny\tcat\u2019s- eye.\t I\t wipe\t off\t my\t lipstick\t until\t only\t the\t stain\t is\t left.\t I\t put\t a\t spray\t of\t perfume into\tmy\tbra\tand\tgive\tmyself\ta\tlittle\twink\tand\ta\tpep\ttalk. I\t have\t a\t dangly\t pair\t of\t earrings\t in\t the\t side\t pocket\t of\t my\t makeup\t bag\t and\t I hook\t them\t on.\t Office\t to\t evening,\t like\t those\t magazine\t articles.\t I\u2019m\t tugging\t up my\t bra\t when\t I\t bump\t squarely\t into\t Joshua\t outside\t the\t bathroom.\t He\t is\t holding my\t coat\t and\t bag\t in\t hand.\t The\t shock\t of\t making\t contact\t with\t his\t body\t clashes through\tme. He\tlooks\tat\tme\tstrangely.\t\u201cWhy\u2019d\tyou\tdo\tall\tthat?\u201d \u201cGee,\tthanks.\u201d\tI\thold\tmy\thand\tout\tand\the\thooks\tmy\tbag\tonto\tit.\tHe\tholds\ton to\tmy\tcoat\tand\tpushes\tthe\televator\tbutton. \u201cSo\t I\t get\t to\t see\t your\t car.\u201d\t I\t try\t to\t break\t the\t silence.\t That\t thought\t is\t more nerve-racking\tthan\tseeing\tDanny.\tIt\u2019s\tsuch\tan\tenclosed\tspace.\tHave\tJoshua\tand\tI","ever\teven\tsat\tnext\tto\teach\tother\tbefore?\tI\tdoubt\tit. \u201cI\u2019ve\t been\t imagining\t it\t for\t so\t long.\t I\u2019ve\t been\t thinking\t it\u2019s\t a\t Volkswagen beetle.\tA\trusty\twhite\tone,\tlike\tHerbie.\u201d \u201cGuess\t again.\u201d\t He\t is\t hugging\t my\t coat\t idly.\t His\t fingers\t twiddle\t the\t cuff. Against\this\tbody\tit\tlooks\tlike\ta\tkid\u2019s\tjacket.\tI\tfeel\tsorry\tfor\tthis\tpoor\tcoat.\tI\thold my\thand\tout\tbut\the\tignores\tme. \u201cMINI\t Cooper,\t early\t 1980s.\t Kermit\t green.\t The\t seat\t won\u2019t\t go\t back\t so\t your knees\tare\ton\teither\tside\tof\tthe\tsteering\twheel.\u201d \u201cYour\t imagination\t is\t quite\t vivid.\t You\t drive\t a\t 2003\t Honda\t Accord.\t Silver. Filthy\tmessy\tinside.\tChronic\tgearbox\tissues.\tIf\tit\twere\ta\thorse,\tyou\u2019d\tshoot\tit.\u201d The\televator\tarrives\tand\tI\tstep\tin\tcautiously. \u201cYou\u2019re\ta\tway\tbetter\tstalker\tthan\tI\tam.\u201d\tI\tfeel\ta\tchill\tof\tfear\twhen\tI\tsee\this big\t thumb\t push\t the\t B\t button.\t He\t looks\t down\t at\t me,\t his\t eyes\t dark\t and\t intense. He\u2019s\tclearly\tdeliberating\tsomething. Maybe\t he\u2019ll\t murder\t me\t down\t there.\t I\u2019ll\t end\t up\t dead\t in\t a\t Dumpster.\t The investigators\t will\t see\t my\t fishnets\t and\t heavy\t eye\t makeup\t and\t assume\t I\u2019m\t a hooker.\t They\u2019ll\t follow\t all\t the\t wrong\t leads.\t Meanwhile,\t Joshua\t will\t be\t calmly bleaching\tall\tmy\tDNA\toff\this\tshoes\tand\tmaking\thimself\ta\tsandwich. \u201cSerial\t killer\t eyes.\u201d\t I\t wish\t I\t didn\u2019t\t sound\t so\t scared.\t He\t looks\t over\t my shoulder\tat\this\treflection\tin\tthe\tshiny\twall\tof\tthe\televator. \u201cI\tsee\twhat\tyou\tmean.\tYou\u2019ve\tgot\tyour\thorny\teyes\ton.\u201d\tHe\tspirals\this\tfinger dramatically\tover\tthe\televator\tbutton\tpanel. \u201cNope,\tthese\tare\tmy\tserial\tkiller\teyes\ttoo.\u201d He\t lets\t out\t a\t deep\t breath\t and\t pushes\t the\t emergency\t stop\t button\t and\t we judder\tto\ta\thalt. \u201cPlease\tdon\u2019t\tkill\tme.\tThere\u2019s\tprobably\ta\tcamera.\u201d\tI\ttake\ta\tstep\tbackward\tin fright. \u201cI\t doubt\t it.\u201d\t He\t looms\t over\t me.\t He\t raises\t his\t hands\t and\t I\t start\t to\t lift\t my arms\t to\t shield\t my\t face\t like\t I\u2019m\t in\t some\t awful\t schlocky\t drive-in\t horror\t movie. This\tis\tit.\tHe\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tstrangle\tme.\tHe\u2019s\tlost\this\tsanity. He\tscoops\tme\toff\tthe\tfloor\tby\tmy\twaist\tand\tbalances\tmy\tass\ton\tthe\thandrail I\u2019ve\tnever\tnoticed\tbefore.\tMy\tarms\tdrop\tto\this\tshoulders\tand\tmy\tdress\tslides\tto the\t top\t of\t my\t thighs.\t When\t he\t glances\t down\t he\t lets\t out\t a\t rough\t breath\t which sounds\tlike\tI\u2019m\tstrangling\thim. \u201cPut\tme\tdown.\tThis\tisn\u2019t\tfunny.\u201d\tMy\tfeet\tmake\tlittle\tineffectual\tspirals.\tThis isn\u2019t\t the\t first\t time\t a\t big\t kid\u2019s\t thrown\t his\t weight\t around\t with\t me.\t Marcus DuShay\tin\tthird\tgrade\tonce\tslung\tme\tonto\tthe\thood\tof\tthe\tprincipal\u2019s\tcar\tand\tran","off\t laughing.\t The\t plight\t of\t the\t little\t humans.\t There\t is\t no\t dignity\t for\t us\t in\t this oversize\tworld. \u201cVisit\tme\tup\there\tfor\ta\tsec.\u201d \u201cWhat\ton\tearth\tfor?\u201d\tI\ttry\tto\tslide\tdown\tbut\the\tspans\this\thands\ton\tmy\twaist and\t presses\t me\t against\t the\t wall.\t I\t squeeze\t his\t shoulders\t until\t I\t come\t to\t the informed\tconclusion\tthat\this\tbody\tis\textravagant\tmuscle\tunder\tthese\tClark\tKent shirts. \u201cHoly\tshit.\u201d\tHis\tcollarbone\tis\tlike\ta\tcrowbar\tunder\tmy\tpalms.\tI\tsay\tthe\tonly idiotic\tthing\tI\tcan\tthink\tof.\t\u201cMuscles.\tBones.\u201d \u201cThanks.\u201d We\tare\tboth\tdesperately\tout\tof\tbreath.\tWhen\tI\tpress\tmy\tleg\tagainst\thim\tfor balance,\this\thand\twraps\taround\tmy\tcalf. When\t he\t puts\t one\t hand\t on\t my\t jaw\t and\t tilts\t my\t head\t back,\t I\t wait\t for\t the squeeze\tto\tstart.\tAt\tany\tmoment,\this\twarm\tpalm\twill\tsnap\ttight\tand\tI\u2019ll\tbegin\tto die.\t Nose\t to\t nose.\t Breath\t against\t breath.\t One\t of\t his\t fingertips\t is\t behind\t my earlobe\tand\tI\tshiver\twhen\tit\tslides. \u201cShortcake.\u201d The\tsweet\tlittle\tword\tdissolves\tand\tI\tswallow. \u201cI\u2019m\t not\t going\t to\t kill\t you.\t You\u2019re\t so\t dramatic.\u201d\t Then\t he\t presses\t his\t mouth lightly\tagainst\tmine. Neither\tof\tus\tcloses\tour\teyes.\tWe\tstare\tat\teach\tother\tlike\talways,\tcloser\tthan we\u2019ve\t ever\t been.\t His\t irises\t are\t ringed\t blue-black.\t His\t eyelashes\t lower\t and\t he looks\tat\tme\twith\tan\texpression\tlike\tresentment. His\t teeth\tcatch\t my\t bottom\t lip\t in\t a\tfaint\tbite,\t and\tgoose\t bumps\tspread.\t My nipples\t pinch.\t My\t toes\t curl\t in\t my\t shoes.\t I\t accidentally\t touch\t him\t with\t my tongue\t when\t I\t check\t for\t damage,\t although\t it\t didn\u2019t\t hurt.\t It\t was\t too\t soft,\t too careful.\tMy\tbrain\tis\twhirring\thopelessly\twith\texplanations\tof\twhat\tis\thappening, and\tmy\tbody\tbegins\tto\tbetter\tits\tgrip. When\the\tleans\tin\tagain\tand\tbegins\tto\tmove\this\t mouth\tagainst\tmine,\tsoftly plying\tit\topen,\tthe\tpenny\tdrops. Joshua.\tTempleman.\tIs.\tKissing.\tMe. For\ta\tfew\tseconds\tI\u2019m\tfrozen\tsolid.\tIt\tseems\tI\u2019ve\tforgotten\thow\tto\tkiss;\tit\u2019s been\t so\t long\t since\t it\u2019s\t been\t a\t daily\t activity.\t Not\t seeming\t to\t mind,\t he\t explains the\trules\twith\this\tmouth. The\t Kissing\t Game\t goes\t like\t this,\t Shortcake.\t Press,\t retreat,\t tilt,\t breathe, repeat.\tUse\tyour\thands\tto\tangle\tjust\tright.\tLoosen\tup\tuntil\tit\u2019s\ta\tslow,\twet\tslide. Hear\t the\t drum\t of\t blood\t in\t your\t own\t ears?\t Survive\t on\t tiny\t puffs\t of\t air.\t Do\t not","stop.\t Don\u2019t\t even\t think\t about\t it.\t Shudder\t a\t sigh,\t pull\t back,\t let\t your\t opponent catch\t you\t with\t lips\t or\t teeth\t and\t ease\t you\t back\t into\t something\t even\t deeper. Wetter.\tFeel\tyour\tnerve\tendings\tcrackle\tto\tlife\twith\teach\ttouch\tof\ttongue.\tFeel\ta new\theaviness\tbetween\tyour\tlegs. The\t aim\t of\t the\t game\t is\t to\t do\t this\t for\t the\t rest\t of\t your\t life.\t Screw\t human civilization\tand\tall\tit\tentails.\tThis\televator\tis\thome\tnow.\tThis\tis\twhat\twe\tdo\tnow. Do\tnot\tfucking\tstop. He\t tests\t me\t and\t pulls\t back\t a\t fraction.\t The\t cardinal\t rule\t broken.\t I\t pull\t his mouth\t back\t to\t mine\t with\t my\t hand\t fisted\t at\t the\t scruff\t of\t his\t neck.\t I\u2019m\t a\t quick study\tand\the\u2019s\tthe\tperfect\ttutor. He\t tastes\t like\t those\t spearmints\t he\u2019s\t always\t crunching.\t Who\t chews\t mints?\t I tried\t it\t once\t and\t burned\t my\t mouth\t out.\t He\t does\t it\t to\t annoy\t me,\t flickers\t of amusement\t in\t his\t eyes\t at\t my\t irritated\t huff.\t I\t nip\t him\t now\t in\t retribution,\t but\t it urges\t him\t closer\t against\t me,\t body\t hard,\t warming\t me\t everywhere\t we\t connect. Our\tteeth\tchink\ttogether. What\tthe\tfuck\tis\thappening?\tI\task\tsilently\twith\tmy\tkiss. Shut\tup,\tShortcake.\tI\thate\tyou. If\twe\twere\tactors\tin\ta\tmovie\twe\u2019d\tbe\tbumping\tagainst\twalls,\tbuttons\tflying, the\tfishnet\tof\tmy\tstockings\tshredded,\tand\tmy\tshoes\tfalling\toff.\tInstead,\tthis\tkiss is\t decadent.\t We\u2019re\t leaning\t against\t a\t sunlit\t wall,\t dreamily\t licking\t ice\t cream cones,\trapidly\tsuccumbing\tto\theat\tstroke\tand\tnonsensical\thallucinations. Here,\tcome\ta\tlittle\tcloser,\tit\u2019s\tall\tmelting.\tLick\tmine\tand\tI\twill\tdefinitely\tlick yours. Gravity\t catches\t me\t by\t the\t ankle\t and\t begins\t to\t drag\t me\t off\t the\t handrail. Joshua\thoists\tme\tup\thigher\twith\ta\thand\ton\tthe\tback\tof\tmy\tthigh.\tFrom\tthis\ttiny loss\t of\t his\t mouth\t I\t growl\t in\t outraged\t frustration.\t Get\t back\t here,\t rule\t breaker. He\u2019s\twise\tenough\tto\tobey. The\t sound\t he\t makes\t in\t reply\t is\t like\t huh.\t The\t kind\t of\t amused\t sound\t people make\t when\t they\t discover\t something\t unexpected\t yet\t pleasing.\t That\t I-should- have-known\tsound.\tHis\tlips\tcurve\tand\tI\ttouch\this\tface.\tThe\tfirst\tsmile\tJoshua\u2019s ever\thad\tin\tmy\tpresence\tis\tpressed\tagainst\tmy\tlips.\tI\tpull\tback\tin\tastonishment, and\t in\t one\t millisecond\t his\t face\t has\t defaulted\t back\t to\t grave\t and\t serious,\t albeit flushed. A\tharsh\tburr\tcomes\tfrom\tthe\televator\tspeaker,\tand\twe\tboth\tjolt\twhen\ta\ttinny voice\tahems.\t\u201cEverything\tokay\tin\tthere?\u201d We\t freeze\t in\t a\t tableau\t entitled\t Busted.\t Joshua\t reacts\t first,\t leaning\t over\t to press\tthe\tintercom.","\u201cBumped\t the\t button.\u201d\t He\t slowly\t sets\t me\t down\t onto\t the\t ground\t and\t backs away\ta\tfew\tpaces.\tI\thook\tmy\telbow\ton\tthe\thandrail,\tmy\tlegs\tsliding\tout\ton\troller skates. \u201cWhat\tthe\tfuck\twas\tthat?\u201d\tI\twheeze\twith\tthe\tlast\tof\tmy\tair. \u201cBasement,\tplease.\u201d \u201cRight-o.\u201d\t The\t elevator\t slides\t down\t about\t three\t feet\t and\t the\t doors\t open.\t If he\u2019d\twaited\tanother\thalf\tsecond,\tit\twould\thave\tnever\thappened.\tMy\tcoat\tis\tin\ta crumpled\t mess\t on\t the\t floor,\t and\t he\t picks\t it\t up,\t dusting\t it\t off\t with\t surprising care. \u201cCome\ton.\u201d He\twalks\toff\twithout\ta\tbackward\tglance.\tMy\tearrings\tare\tcaught\tin\tmy\thair, tangled\tby\this\thands.\tI\tlook\tfor\tan\texit.\tThere\tare\tnone.\tThe\televator\tdoors\tsnap shut\tbehind\tme.\tJoshua\tunlocks\tan\tarrogantly\tsporty\tblack\tcar\tand\twhen\tI\treach the\tpassenger\tdoor\twe\tface\teach\tother.\tMy\teyes\tare\tbig\tfried\teggs.\tHe\thas\tto\tturn away\t so\t I\t don\u2019t\t see\t him\t laugh.\t I\t catch\t the\t reflection\t of\t his\t white\t teeth\t on\t a nearby\tvan\u2019s\trearview\tmirror. \u201cOh\tdear,\u201d\the\tdrawls,\tturning\tback,\tdragging\this\thand\tover\this\tface\tto\twipe away\tthe\tsmile.\t\u201cI\u2019ve\ttraumatized\tyou.\u201d \u201cWhat\t.\t.\t.\twhat\t.\t.\t.\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s\tgo.\u201d I\twant\tto\tsprint\taway\tbut\tmy\tlegs\twon\u2019t\thold\tme\tup. \u201cDon\u2019t\teven\tthink\tabout\tit,\u201d\the\ttells\tme. I\tslide\tinto\this\tcar\tand\tnearly\tfall\tunconscious.\tHis\tscent\tis\tintensified\tin\there perfectly,\t baked\t by\t summer,\t preserved\t by\t snow,\t sealed\t and\t pressurized\t inside glass\t and\t metal.\t I\t inhale\t like\t a\t professional\t perfumer.\t Top\t notes\t of\t mint,\t bitter coffee,\tand\tcotton.\tMid\tnotes\tof\tblack\tpepper\tand\tpine.\tBase\tnotes\tof\tleather\tand cedar.\tLuxurious\tas\tcashmere.\tIf\tthis\tis\twhat\this\tcar\tsmells\tlike,\timagine\this\tbed. Good\tidea.\tImagine\this\tbed. He\t gets\t in,\t tosses\t my\t coat\t on\t the\t backseat,\t and\t I\t look\t sideways\t at\t his\t lap. Holy\t shit.\t I\t avert\t my\t eyes.\t Whatever\t he\u2019s\t got\t there\t is\t impressive\t enough\t to make\tmy\teyes\tslide\tback\tagain. \u201cYou\u2019ve\tdied\tof\tshock,\u201d\the\tchides\tlike\ta\tschoolteacher. My\t breath\t is\t shaking\t out\t of\t me,\t and\t he\t turns\t to\t look\t at\t me,\t eyes\t poison- black.\t He\t raises\t his\t hand\t and\t I\t flinch\t back.\t He\t frowns,\t pauses,\t then\t twists\t my closest\tearring\tcarefully\tback\tinto\tposition. \u201cI\tthought\tyou\twere\tgoing\tto\tkill\tme.\u201d \u201cI\tstill\twant\tto.\u201d\tHe\treaches\tfor\tthe\tother\tearring,\tand\this\tinner\twrist\tis\tclose","enough\tto\tbite.\tPainstakingly,\the\ttugs\tthe\tcaught\tstrands\tof\thair\tuntil\tmy\tearring hangs\tproperly\tagain. \u201cI\twant\tto.\tSo\tbad,\tyou\thave\tno\tidea.\u201d He\tturns\tthe\tcar\ton,\tbacks\tout,\tand\tdrives\tas\tthough\tnothing\thappened. \u201cWe\tneed\tto\ttalk\tabout\tthis.\u201d\tMy\tvoice\tis\trough\tand\tdirty.\tHis\tfingers\tflex\ton the\tsteering\twheel. \u201cIt\tseemed\tlike\tthe\tright\tmoment.\u201d \u201cBut\tyou\tkissed\tme.\tWhy\twould\tyou\tdo\tthat?\u201d \u201cI\tneeded\tto\ttest\ta\ttheory\tI\u2019ve\thad\tfor\ta\twhile.\tAnd\tyou\treally,\treally\tkissed me\tback.\u201d I\ttwist\tin\tmy\tseat\tand\tthe\tlights\tahead\tgo\tred.\tHe\tslows\tto\ta\tstop\tand\tlooks\tat my\tmouth\tand\tlegs. \u201cYou\t had\t a\t theory?\t More\t like,\t you\t were\t trying\t to\t mess\t me\t up\t before\t my date.\u201d\tCars\tbehind\tus\tare\tbeeping\tand\tI\tlook\tover\tmy\tshoulder.\t\u201cGo.\u201d \u201cOh,\tthat\u2019s\tright,\tyour\tdate.\tYour\timaginary\tfake\tdate.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tnot\timaginary.\tI\u2019m\tmeeting\tDanny\tFletcher\tfrom\tdesign.\u201d The\t look\t of\t shocked\t surprise\t on\t his\t face\t is\t magnificent.\t I\t want\t to commission\t a\t portrait\t artist\t to\t capture\t it\t in\t oils,\t so\t I\t can\t pass\t it\t down\t to\t future generations.\tIt.\tIs.\tPriceless. Cars\tbegin\tto\tpull\tout\tfrom\teither\tside\tbehind\tus,\thorns\tbleating\tand\twailing. A\tstring\tof\troad-rage\tobscenities\tmanage\tto\tjerk\thim\tfrom\this\tstupor. \u201cWhat?\u201d\tHe\tfinally\tnotices\tthe\tgreen\tlight\tand\taccelerates\tsharply,\tbraking\tto avoid\t hitting\t a\t car\t swerving\t in\t front.\t He\t wipes\t one\t hand\t over\t his\t mouth.\t I\u2019ve never\tseen\tJoshua\tso\tflustered. \u201cDanny\t Fletcher.\t I\u2019m\t meeting\t him\t in\t ten\t minutes.\t That\u2019s\t where\t you\u2019re driving\tme.\tWhat\tis\twrong\twith\tyou?\u201d He\t says\t nothing\t for\t several\t blocks.\t I\t stare\t stubbornly\t at\t my\t hands\t and\t all\t I can\t think\t about\t is\t his\t tongue\t in\t my\t mouth.\t In\t my\t mouth.\t I\t estimate\t there\u2019s probably\tbeen\tabout\tten\tbillion\televator\tkisses\tin\tthe\thistory\tof\tmankind.\tI\thate us\tfor\tthe\tclich\u00e9. \u201cDid\tyou\tthink\tI\twas\tlying?\u201d\tWell,\ttechnically\tI\twas\tlying,\tbut\tonly\tat\tfirst. \u201cI\t always\t assume\t you\u2019re\t lying.\u201d\t He\t changes\t lanes\t in\t an\t angry\t swerve,\t an ominous\tblack\tthundercloud\tof\ttemper\tsettling\tover\thim. Here\u2019s\t a\t fact.\t Hating\t someone\t is\t exhausting.\t Each\t pulse\t of\t blood\t in\t my veins\ttakes\tme\tcloser\tto\tdeath.\tI\twaste\tthese\tending\tminutes\twith\tsomeone\twho genuinely\tdespises\tme. I\t drop\t my\t lids\t so\t I\t can\t remember\t it\t again.\t I\u2019m\t shimmering\t with\t nerves,","heaving\t a\t box\t onto\t my\t desk\t at\t the\t newly\t minted\t B&G\t building,\t tenth\t floor. There\tis\ta\tman\tby\tthe\twindow,\tlooking\tout\tat\tthe\tearly-morning\ttraffic.\tHe\tturns and\twe\tmake\teye\tcontact\tfor\tthe\tfirst\ttime. I\u2019m\tnever\tgetting\tanother\tkiss\tlike\tthat\tagain,\tnot\tfor\tthe\trest\tof\tmy\tlife. \u201cI\t wish\t we\t could\t be\t friends,\u201d\t I\t accidentally\t say\t out\t loud.\t I\u2019ve\t held\t those words\tin\tfor\tso\tlong\tit\tfeels\tlike\tI\u2019ve\tdropped\ta\tbombshell.\tHe\u2019s\tso\tsilent\tI\tthink maybe\t he\t didn\u2019t\t hear\t me.\t But\t then\t he\t casts\t me\t a\t look\t so\t contemptuous\t that\t I feel\ta\tpainful\ttwist\tinside. \u201cWe\u2019ll\t never,\t ever\t be\t friends.\u201d\t He\t says\t friends\t like\t he\u2019d\t say\t the\t word pathetic. When\the\tslows\tthe\tcar\tat\tthe\tfront\tof\tthe\tbar\tI\u2019m\tout\tand\trunning\tbefore\the\u2019s even\t come\t to\t a\t complete\t stop.\t I\t hear\t him\t shout\t my\t name,\t annoyed.\t I\t register that\the\tcalls\tme\tLucy. I\t see\t Danny\t at\t the\t bar,\t bottle\t of\t beer\t dangling\t from\t his\t fingertips,\t and\t I pinwheel\t through\t the\t crowd\t and\t fall\t into\t his\t arms.\t Poor\t old\t Danny,\t who\t has turned\t up\t early\t like\t a\t gentleman,\t with\t no\t idea\t what\t kind\t of\t crazy\t woman\t he\u2019s agreed\tto\tspend\tan\tevening\twith. \u201cHi.\u201d\tDanny\tis\tpleased.\t\u201cYou\tmade\tit.\u201d \u201c\u2019Course!\u201d\tI\tmanage\ta\tshaky\tlaugh.\t\u201cI\tneed\ta\tdrink\tafter\tthe\tday\tI\u2019ve\thad.\u201d I\thoist\tmyself\tlike\ta\tjockey\tonto\tthe\tbarstool.\tDanny\tsignals\tto\tthe\tbartender. Identical\tbaseball\tbats\tswing\ton\thuge\tscreens\tpositioned\tabove\tthe\tbar.\tI\tfeel\tthe memory\t of\t Joshua\u2019s\t mouth\t on\t mine,\t and\t I\t press\t my\t shaking\t fingertips\t to\t my lips. \u201cA\tbig\tgin\tand\ttonic.\tAs\tbig\tas\tyou\tcan,\tplease.\u201d The\t bartender\t obliges\t and\t I\t empty\t half\t of\t the\t contents\t into\t my\t mouth\t and maybe\t a\t little\t down\t my\t chin.\t I\t lick\t the\t corners\t of\t my\t mouth\t and\t I\t still\t taste Joshua.\tDanny\tcatches\tmy\teye\tas\tI\tlower\tthe\tglass. \u201cIs\teverything\tokay?\tI\tthink\tyou\tneed\tto\ttell\tme\tabout\tyour\tday.\u201d I\t take\t a\t good\t look\t at\t him.\t He\u2019s\t changed\t into\t some\t dark\t jeans\t and\t a\t nice button-down\tcheck\tshirt.\tI\tlike\tthat\the\u2019s\tmade\tan\teffort\tto\tgo\thome\tand\tchange for\tme. \u201cYou\tlook\tnice,\u201d\tI\ttell\thim\thonestly,\tand\this\teyes\tspark. \u201cAnd\tyou\tlook\tbeautiful.\u201d\tHis\ttone\tis\tconfidential.\tHe\tleans\this\telbow\ton\tthe bar\t and\t his\t face\t is\t open\t and\t without\t malice.\t I\t feel\t a\t weird\t bubble\t of\t emotion inside\tmy\tchest. \u201cWhat?\u201d\tI\twipe\tmy\tchin.\tThis\tman\tis\tlooking\tat\tme\tlike\the\tdoes\tnot\thate\tme. It\u2019s\tbizarre.","\u201cI\t couldn\u2019t\t exactly\t tell\t you\t at\t work.\t But\t I\u2019ve\t always\t thought\t you\t were\t the most\tbeautiful\tgirl.\u201d \u201cOh.\tWell.\u201d\tI\tprobably\tturn\tbright\tred\tand\tI\tfeel\ta\ttightness\tin\tmy\tthroat. \u201cYou\tdon\u2019t\ttake\tcompliments\twell.\u201d \u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tget\tmany.\u201d\tIt\u2019s\tthe\thonest\ttruth.\tHe\tjust\tlaughs. \u201cOh,\tsure.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\ttrue.\tUnless\tit\u2019s\tmy\tmom\tand\tdad\ton\tSkype.\u201d \u201cWell,\tI\u2019ll\thave\tto\tchange\tthat.\tSo.\tTell\tme\tall\tabout\tyou.\u201d \u201cI\twork\tfor\tHelene,\tas\tyou\tknow,\u201d\tI\tstart\tuncertainly. He\tnods,\this\tmouth\tquirking. \u201cAnd\tthat\u2019s\tabout\tit.\u201d Danny\t smiles,\t and\t I\t nearly\t reel\t backward\t off\t my\t barstool.\t I\u2019m\t so\t badly socialized\tI\tcan\tbarely\tconverse\twith\tnormal\thuman\tbeings.\tI\twant\tto\tbe\tat\thome on\tmy\tcouch\twith\tall\tof\tthe\tpillows\tpiled\ton\tmy\thead. \u201cYes,\tbut\tI\twant\tto\tknow\tabout\tyou.\tWhat\tdo\tyou\tdo\tfor\tfun?\tWhere\u2019s\tyour family\tfrom?\u201d His\t face\t is\t so\t open\t and\t guileless.\t I\t think\t of\t children\t before\t the\t world\t ruins them. \u201cMay\t I\t go\t and\t freshen\t up\t first?\t I\t came\t straight\t from\t the\t office.\u201d\t I\t swallow the\tother\thalf\tof\tmy\tglass.\tThe\tfaint\tmint\ton\tmy\ttongue\tdeadens\tthe\tflavor. He\tnods\tand\tI\tmake\ta\tbeeline\tin\tthe\tdirection\tof\tthe\tbathrooms.\tI\tlean\tagainst the\t wall\t outside\t them\t and\t take\t a\t tissue\t from\t the\t front\t of\t my\t bra\t and\t press\t it\t to the\tcorners\tof\tmy\teyes.\tBeautiful. A\t shadow\t darkens\t the\t hall,\t and\t I\t know\t it\u2019s\t Joshua.\t Even\t in\t the\t furthest corners\tof\tmy\tperipheral\tvision,\this\tshape\tis\tmore\tfamiliar\tthan\tmy\town\tshadow. He\u2019s\tholding\tthe\tcoat\tI\tleft\tin\this\tbackseat. I\tburst\tout\tlaughing,\tand\tI\tkeep\tlaughing\tuntil\tthe\ttears\tstripe\tdown\tmy\tface, almost\tcertainly\truining\tmy\tmakeup. \u201cFuck\t off,\u201d\t I\t tell\t him,\t but\t he\t only\t comes\t closer.\t He\t takes\t my\t chin\t and studies\tmy\tface. The\tmemory\tof\tthe\tkiss\tfloats\tup\tbetween\tus,\tand\tI\tcan\u2019t\tlook\thim\tin\tthe\teye. I\tremember\tthe\tgroan\tI\tmade\tinto\this\tmouth.\tHumiliation\tkicks\tin. \u201cDon\u2019t.\u201d\tI\tslap\thim\taway. \u201cYou\u2019re\tcrying.\u201d I\thug\tmyself.\t\u201cNo\tI\u2019m\tnot.\tWhy\tare\tyou\teven\there?\u201d \u201cParking\tis\ta\tnightmare\taround\there.\tYour\tcoat.\u201d \u201cOh,\t my\t coat.\t Sure.\t Whatever.\t I\u2019m\t too\t tired\t to\t fight\t with\t you\t tonight.\t You","win.\u201d He\t looks\t confused\t so\t I\t clarify.\t \u201cYou\u2019ve\t seen\t me\t laugh,\t and\t cry.\t You\t made me\t kiss\t you\t when\t I\t should\t have\t slapped\t your\t smug\t face.\t You\u2019ve\t had\t a\t good day.\tGo\tand\twatch\tthe\tgame\tand\teat\tpretzels.\u201d \u201cIs\tthat\tthe\tprize\tyou\tthink\tI\u2019m\tplaying\tfor?\tTo\tsee\tyou\tcry?\u201d\tHe\tshakes\this head.\t\u201cIt\u2019s\treally\tnot.\u201d \u201cSure\t it\t is.\t Now\t go\t away,\u201d\t I\t tell\t him\t more\t forcefully.\t He\t backs\t away\t and leans\tagainst\tthe\topposite\twall. \u201cWhy\tare\tyou\thiding\there?\tShouldn\u2019t\tyou\tbe\tout\tthere\tcharming\tthe\tshit\tout of\thim?\u201d\tHe\tlooks\tin\tthe\tdirection\tof\tthe\tbar\tand\trubs\this\thand\tover\this\tface. \u201cI\tneeded\ta\tminute.\tAnd\tit\u2019s\tnot\talways\tthat\teasy,\ttrust\tme.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tsure\tyou\twon\u2019t\thave\tany\ttrouble.\u201d He\tdoesn\u2019t\tsound\tsarcastic.\tI\twipe\tmy\ttears\tand\tlook\tat\tthe\ttissue.\tQuite\ta\tbit of\tmascara\ton\tit.\tI\theave\ta\tshuddery\tsigh. \u201cYou\tlook\tfine.\u201d\tIt\u2019s\tthe\tnicest\tthing\the\u2019s\tever\tsaid\tto\tme. I\t begin\t patting\t my\t hand\t along\t the\t wall,\t trying\t to\t find\t the\t portal\t to\t another dimension,\t or\t at\t least\t the\t door\t to\t the\t ladies\t room.\t Anything\t to\t get\t away\t from him.\tHe\tputs\this\thand\tinto\this\thair,\this\tface\ttwisting\twith\tagitation. \u201cI\tshouldn\u2019t\thave\tkissed\tyou,\tokay.\tIt\twas\ta\tfucking\tstupid\tmove\ton\tmy\tpart. If\tyou\twant\tto\treport\tme\tto\tHR\u2014\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s\tyour\tproblem?\tYou\u2019re\tscared\tI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\treport\tyou?\u201d\tMy\tvoice\tis raising\tloud\tenough\tthat\tbar\tpatrons\tturn.\tI\ttake\ta\tdeep\tbreath\tand\twhen\tI\tspeak again\tI\tam\tquieter. \u201cYou\u2019ve\t broken\t me\t down\t so\t completely,\t I\t can\u2019t\t even\t handle\t it\t when\t a\t guy tells\tme\tI\u2019m\tbeautiful.\u201d Dismay\tspreads\tacross\this\tface. \u201cThat\u2019s\t why\t I\u2019m\t crying.\t Because\t Danny\t told\t me\t I\u2019m\t a\t beautiful\t girl,\t and\t I nearly\tfell\toff\tthe\tbarstool.\tYou\u2019ve\truined\tme.\u201d \u201cI\t.\t.\t.\u201d\the\tbegins\tto\tsay,\tbut\the\u2019s\tgot\tnothing.\t\u201cLucy,\tI\u2014\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s\tnothing\tleft\tyou\tcan\tdo\tto\tme.\tYou\twin\ttoday.\u201d From\t the\t look\t on\t his\t face,\t I\t think\t I\u2019ve\t landed\t a\t punch.\t His\t shadow\t recedes along\tthe\tfloor,\tand\tthen\the\u2019s\tgone.","Chapter\t7 I\t call\t Helene\t in\t the\t morning\t to\t say\t I\u2019m\t not\t hungover\t but\t I\u2019m\t having\t a\t few personal\tissues\tand\tI\u2019ll\tbe\tin\ta\tlittle\tlate.\tShe\tis\tkind\tand\ttells\tme\tto\trest\tand\ttake the\tday\toff. Rest,\tand\tfinish\tup\tyour\tjob\tapplication\tbecause,\tdarling,\tit\u2019s\tdue\ttomorrow. I\u2019m\t missing\t out\t on\t a\t pale\t yellow\t shirt\t today.\t It\u2019s\t the\t color\t of\t nursery\t walls when\tthe\tunborn\tbaby\u2019s\tgender\tis\ta\tsurprise.\tIt\u2019s\tthe\tcolor\tof\tmy\tcowardly\tsoul. Last\t night\t after\t Joshua\t slid\t away\t from\t me,\t his\t face\t twisted\t with\t guilt\t and regret,\t I\t tidied\t myself\t up\t and\t sat\t back\t down\t with\t Danny\t and\t salvaged\t the evening.\t Danny\t and\t I\t have\t some\t things\t in\t common.\t His\t parents\t have\t a\t hobby farm,\t so\t my\t revelation\t that\t I\t grew\t up\t in\t a\t strawberry\t patch\t didn\u2019t\t garner\t the usual\tamount\tof\tamused,\tpatronizing\tscorn. It\t gave\t me\t the\t courage\t to\t talk\t more\t about\t it\t than\t I\t usually\t would.\t We swapped\tstories\tof\tlife\ton\ta\tfarm.\tI\twatched\tthe\texpressions\tslide\tacross\this\tface like\tclouds.\tWe\thung\tout\tfor\thours,\tlaughing\tlike\told\tfriends,\tas\tcomfortable\tas\ta pair\tof\tslippers. I\tshould\tbe\thappy\tand\texcited.\tI\u2019m\tshould\tbe\tpolishing\tmy\tjob\tapplication.\tI should\tbe\tthinking\tabout\ta\tsecond\tdate.\tI\tend\tup\tdoing\tthe\tone\tthing\tI\tshouldn\u2019t. I\tlie\tin\tbed\twith\tmy\teyes\tclosed,\treplaying\tthe\tkiss. Shortcake,\tif\twe\twere\tflirting,\tyou\u2019d\tknow\tabout\tit. Maybe\t he\t forgot\t I\t was\t Lucinda\t Hutton,\t people-pleasing\t Strawberry Shortcake,\t and\t I\t morphed\t into\t something\t different\t for\t him.\t An\t enclosed\t space, different\t makeup,\t my\t dress\t short\t and\t my\t perfume\t fresh.\t In\t a\t moment\t ruled\t by insanity,\tI\twas\tthe\tobject\tof\this\tlust\tfrom\tthe\ttime\tit\ttook\tus\tto\ttravel\tfrom\ttenth floor\tto\tbasement.\tAnd\the\twas\tdefinitely\tmine. I\t needed\t to\t test\t a\t theory\t I\u2019ve\t had\t for\t a\t while.\t What\t theory?\t How\t long\t is\t a while?\tIf\tI\twere\tsome\tkind\tof\thuman\texperiment,\the\tcould\thave\thad\tthe\tdecency to\tgive\tme\this\tconclusion. When\t I\t think\t about\t his\t teeth\t biting\t softly\t down\t on\t my\t bottom\t lip,\t I\t get\t a clenching\tflutter\tbetween\tmy\tlegs.\tWhen\tI\tthink\tof\this\thand\ton\tthe\tback\tof\tmy","thigh,\t I\t have\t to\t reach\t down\t and\t feel\t where\t his\t fingers\t spread.\t The\t hardness\t of his\tbody?\tI\tcan\tskip\tbreathing\tfor\ta\tbit.\tI\twonder\thow\tI\ttasted\tto\thim.\tHow\tI\tfelt. I\u2019m\t loafing\t around\t in\t my\t pajamas\t at\t three\t P.M.,\t paralyzed\t by\t the\t looming application\t deadline,\t when\t my\t door\t buzzer\t startles\t me.\t My\t first\t thought\t is\t it\u2019s Joshua,\tcome\tto\tdrag\tme\tback\tto\twork.\tInstead,\tit\u2019s\ta\tdeliveryman\twith\tflowers. A\t huge\t bouquet\t of\t lipstick-red\t roses.\t I\t pinch\t open\t the\t little\t envelope\t and\t the card\tsays\tthree\twhole\twords. You\u2019re\talways\tbeautiful. There\u2019s\t no\t signature\t but\t it\t doesn\u2019t\t need\t one.\t I\t can\t imagine\t Jeanette\u2019s expression\tsoftening\tas\tshe\thands\tDanny\ta\tPost-it\tnote\tdetailing\tmy\taddress\twith a\tmuttered,\tYou\tdidn\u2019t\tget\tthis\tfrom\tme.\tEven\tHR\tladies\tbreak\tthe\trules\tfor\tlove. I\ttext\thim:\tThank\tyou\tso\tmuch!! He\treplies\talmost\tinstantly:\tI\thad\ta\tgreat\ttime.\tI\u2019d\tlove\tto\tsee\tyou\tagain. I\treply:\tDefinitely! I\t stand,\t hands\t on\t hips,\t looking\t at\t the\t flowers.\t The\t ego\t boost\t couldn\u2019t\t have been\t timed\t better.\t I\t turn\t back\t to\t my\t computer.\t That\t job\t will\t be\t mine.\t And Joshua\twill\tbe\tgone. \u201cLet\u2019s\tget\tthis\tfinished.\u201d HE\u2019S\t A\t BIG\t blur\t of\t mustard\t out\t of\t the\t corner\t of\t my\t eye\t when\t I\t walk\t in\t on Friday.\tI\thang\tmy\tcoat\tand\twalk\tstraight\tinto\tHelene\u2019s\toffice.\tFor\tonce\tshe\u2019s\tin early.\tI\tcould\tenfold\ther\tin\tmy\tarms\tand\tsqueeze. \u201cI\u2019m\there,\u201d\tI\ttell\ther.\tShe\twaves\tme\tin\tand\tI\tclose\tthe\tdoor\tbehind\tme. \u201cIs\tit\tin?\u201d\tI\tnod. \u201cJoshua\u2019s\t is\t too.\t And\t two\t external\t applicants\t so\t far.\t How\t was\t your\t date? Are\tyou\tall\tright?\u201d She\u2019s\t always\t the\t picture\t of\t composure.\t Today\t she\u2019s\t wearing\t a\t blazer\t over what\t is\t probably\t a\t pure\t silk\t T-shirt,\t tucked\t into\t a\t wool\t skirt.\t Nothing\t as common\tas\tcotton\tfor\tHelene.\tI\thope\twhen\tshe\tdies\tshe\tbequeaths\ther\twardrobe to\tme. I\tease\tinto\ta\tchair.\t\u201cIt\twas\tfine.\tDanny\tFletcher\tin\tdesign.\tI\thope\tthat\u2019s\tokay; he\u2019s\tfinishing\tup\tnext\tweek\tto\tfreelance.\u201d \u201cShame.\tHe\tdoes\tgood\twork.\tSeeing\thim\twon\u2019t\tbe\ta\tproblem.\u201d My\tmind\tflashes\tto\tkissing\tJoshua\tin\tthe\televator.\tThat\u2019s\ta\tproblem,\tall\tright. \u201cBut\tsomething\thappened,\u201d\tHelene\tsurmises. \u201cI\thad\ta\thuge\targument\twith\tJoshua\tbefore\tthe\tdate,\tand\tit\trattled\tme.\tI\twoke up\t feeling\t unstable.\t Like\t if\t I\t came\t in\t here\t we\u2019d\t both\t be\t wheeled\t out\t by","paramedics,\tdrenched\tin\tblood.\u201d Helene\tis\teyeing\tme\tspeculatively.\t\u201cWhat\twas\tthe\targument\tabout?\u201d Maybe\t it\t isn\u2019t\t such\t a\t good\t idea\t to\t vent\t about\t my\t personal\t issues\t with Helene.\tI\u2019m\tterminally\tunprofessional.\tMy\tcheeks\theat\tand\twhen\tI\tcan\u2019t\tthink\tof a\tlie,\tI\tabbreviate. \u201cHe\tthought\tI\twas\tlying\tabout\thaving\ta\tdate.\tI\u2019m\tso\tlame.\u201d \u201cInteresting,\u201d\tshe\tsays\tslowly.\t\u201cHave\tyou\tthought\tabout\tthis\tvery\thard?\u201d I\tshrug.\tOnly\tobsessively,\tto\tthe\tpoint\twhere\tI\tcouldn\u2019t\tsleep. \u201cI\u2019m\t upset\t with\t myself\t for\t letting\t him\t push\t my\t buttons.\t You\t have\t no\t idea how\thard\tit\tis,\tsitting\topposite\thim,\ttrying\tto\tresist\this\tconstant\tattacks.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\t got\t some\t idea.\t It\u2019s\t called\t brinkmanship,\t darling.\u201d\t She\t gestures\t at\t the wall\twith\ther\tthumb. She\u2019s\tthe\tperfect\tperson\tto\tconfide\tin.\tMr.\tBexley\tis\ton\tthe\tother\tside\tof\ther wall\t right\t now,\t plotting\t ways\t to\t assassinate\t her.\t She\t follows\t my\t eyeline.\t We hear\ta\tfaint\thonking\tsneeze,\ta\tfart\tsound,\tand\tsome\tgrumbling. \u201cWhy\twould\the\tassume\tyou\twere\tlying?\tAnd\twhy\tdid\tit\tupset\tyou\tso\tmuch that\t he\t did?\u201d\t Helene\t is\t drawing\t spirals\t on\t her\t notepad\t and\t I\t feel\t a\t little hypnotized.\tShe\u2019s\tturned\tinto\tmy\ttherapist. \u201cHe\tthinks\tI\u2019m\tsuch\ta\tjoke.\tHe\u2019s\talways\tlaughing\tabout\twhat\tmy\tparents\tdo. I\u2019m\tsure\the\tlaughs\tat\twhere\tI\twent\tto\tschool.\tMy\tclothes.\tMy\theight.\tMy\tface.\u201d She\tnods\tpatiently,\twatching\tme\ttry\tto\tuntangle\tthese\tcomplicated\tthoughts. \u201cIt\tbothers\tme\tto\tknow\the\tthinks\tthat\tof\tme.\tThat\u2019s\tthe\tbit\tthat\ttrips\tme\tup. All\tI\twant\tis\this\trespect.\u201d \u201cYou\tprize\tyour\treputation\tof\tbeing\tlikable\tand\tapproachable,\u201d\tshe\tsupplies. \u201cEveryone\tlikes\tyou.\tHe\tis\tthe\tonly\tone\twho\tresists.\u201d \u201cHe\tlives\tto\tdestroy\tme.\u201d\tMaybe\tI\u2019m\tgetting\ta\tlittle\toverdramatic. \u201cAnd\tyou,\thim,\u201d\tshe\tpoints\tout. \u201cYes.\tAnd\tthis\tisn\u2019t\tthe\tperson\tI\twant\tto\tbe.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t\t interact\t with\t him\t today.\t You\t could\t take\t the\t vacant\t office\t down\t on the\tthird\tfloor\tfor\ta\tfew\tdays.\tWe\tcould\tdivert\tthe\tphones.\u201d I\tshake\tmy\thead.\t\u201cTempting,\tbut\tno,\tI\tcan\tdeal\twith\tit.\tI\u2019ll\tdraft\tthe\tquarterly report\tand\tkeep\tto\tmyself.\tI\u2019ll\tforget\the\texists.\u201d I\t can\t still\t remember\t the\t taste\t of\t his\t mouth.\t I\t breathed\t his\t hot\t exhalations until\t my\t lungs\t were\t filled\t with\t him.\t His\t air\t was\t inside\t my\t body.\t He\t taught\t me things\t in\t the\t space\t of\t two\t minutes\t that\t the\t span\t of\t my\t lifetime\t did\t not. Forgetting\t his\t existence\t is\t going\t to\t be\t a\t challenge,\t but\t this\t job\t is\t nothing\t but challenges.","I\tgently\tclose\tHelene\u2019s\toffice\tdoor\tand\tgather\tmyself.\tI\tturn\tand\tthere\the\tis, slouched\tat\this\tdesk. \u201cHey.\u201d\tI\tget\ta\tflatter\tversion\tof\tHow\tYou\tDoing? \u201cHello,\u201d\tI\trespond\tstiffly\tand\twalk\ton\ttiny\tstilts\tto\tmy\tdesk. What\the\tsays\tnext\tastonishes\tme.\t\u201cI\u2019m\tsorry.\tI\u2019m\tso,\tso\tsorry,\tLucy.\u201d I\tbelieve\thim.\tThe\tmemory\tof\this\traw\texpression\tas\the\tstumbled\taway\tfrom me\tat\tthe\tbar\thas\tmade\tit\tnear\timpossible\tto\tsleep\tfor\ttwo\tnights\tin\ta\trow.\tNow is\t the\t moment.\t I\t could\t take\t us\t back\t to\t our\t normal\t status\t quo.\t I\t could\t snap\t at him;\the\u2019d\tsnap\tback.\tBut\tthat\u2019s\tnot\tthe\tperson\tI\twant\tto\tbe. \u201cI\tknow\tyou\tare.\u201d\tWe\tboth\tnearly\tsmile\tand\twe\tlook\tat\teach\tother\u2019s\tmouth, the\tghost\tof\tthe\tkiss\tjangling\tbetween\tus. He\u2019s\t not\t his\t immaculate\t self\t today.\t He\u2019s\t a\t little\t rough\t around\t the\t edges, probably\t from\t a\t few\t bad\t nights\u2019\t sleep.\t His\t mustard\t shirt\t is\t the\t ugliest\t color\t I have\t ever\t seen.\t His\t tie\t is\t badly\t knotted,\t his\t jaw\t is\t shadowed\t with\t stubble.\t His hair\tis\ta\tmess\tand\thas\ta\tdevil\u2019s\thorn\ton\tone\tside.\tHe\u2019s\tpractically\ta\tGamin\ttoday. He\tlooks\tdivine\tand\the\u2019s\tlooking\tat\tme\twith\ta\tmemory\tin\this\teyes. I\twant\tto\trun\tuntil\tmy\tlegs\tgive\tout.\tI\twant\tto\tsweep\teverything\toff\this\tdesk with\tmy\tarm.\tI\tcan\tfeel\tmy\tclothes\ttouching\tmy\tbare\tskin.\tThat\u2019s\thow\tJoshua\u2019s eyes\tmake\tme\tfeel\twhen\the\tlooks\tat\tme. \u201cLet\u2019s\t put\t our\t weapons\t down,\t okay?\u201d\t He\t raises\t his\t hands\t to\t show\t he\u2019s unarmed.\tHis\thands\tare\tbig\tenough\tto\tencircle\tmy\tankles.\tI\tswallow. To\thide\tmy\tawkwardness,\tI\tmime\ttaking\ta\tgun\tout\tof\tmy\tpocket\tand\ttoss\tit aside.\tHe\treaches\tinto\tan\timaginary\tshoulder\tholster\tand\ttakes\tout\ta\tgun,\tputting it\ton\this\tplanner.\tI\tunsheathe\tan\tinvisible\tknife\tfrom\tmy\tthigh. \u201cAll\t of\t them.\u201d\t I\t indicate\t under\t the\t desk.\t He\t reaches\t down\t to\t his\t ankle\t and pretends\tto\ttake\ta\thandgun\tout\tof\tan\tankle\tholster. \u201cThat\u2019s\tbetter.\u201d\tI\tsink\tinto\tmy\tchair\tand\tclose\tmy\teyes. \u201cYou\u2019re\t deeply\t weird,\t Shortcake.\u201d\t His\t voice\t is\t not\t unkind.\t I\t force\t my\t eyes open\tand\tthe\tStaring\tGame\talmost\tkills\tme.\tHis\teyes\tare\tthe\tblue\tof\ta\tpeacock\u2019s chest.\tEverything\tis\tchanging. \u201cAre\tyou\tgoing\tto\treport\tme\tto\tHR?\u201d Something\tin\tmy\tchest\tfolds\tpainfully.\tSo\tthat\u2019s\twhy\the\tlooks\tlike\tshit.\tHe\u2019s had\t a\t hellish\t day\t yesterday,\t anticipating\t being\t marched\t out\t of\t the\t building\t by security\t upon\t my\t return.\t My\t empty\t desk\t would\t have\t been\t terrifying.\t He\t sat there,\t visualizing\t the\t moment\t he\t is\t locked\t in\t jail\t for\t being\t a\t molester\t of\t tiny women.\tI\tunderstand\tnow.\tStupid\tme. \u201cNo.\tBut\tcan\twe\tplease\tnever\tmention\t.\t.\t.\tit\t.\t.\t.\tagain?\u201d\tIt\tcomes\tout\tof\tme\ta","little\t hoarse.\t I\u2019m\t letting\t him\t off\t the\t hook,\t instead\t of\t taunting\t him\t with\t the prospect.\t Another\t step\t toward\t being\t the\t person\t I\u2019d\t like\t to\t be.\t Regardless,\t he frowns\tlike\the\u2019s\tbeen\tdeeply\tinsulted. \u201cThat\u2019s\twhat\tyou\twant?\u201d I\tnod,\tbut\tI\u2019m\tsuch\ta\tlittle\tliar.\tAll\tI\twant\tto\tdo\tis\tkiss\tyou\tuntil\tI\tfall\tasleep.\tI want\tto\tslide\tin\tbetween\tyour\tsheets,\tand\tfind\tout\twhat\tgoes\ton\tinside\tyour\thead, and\tunderneath\tyour\tclothes.\tI\twant\tto\tmake\ta\tfool\tof\tmyself\tover\tyou. Mr.\t Bexley\u2019s\t door\t is\t ajar\t so\t I\t speak\t as\t quietly\t as\t I\t can.\t \u201cIt\u2019s\t freaking\t me out.\u201d He\tcan\tsee\tthat\tit\u2019s\tthe\ttruth.\tI\u2019ve\tgot\tdesperate,\tcrazy\teyes.\tHe\tnods\tand\tjust like\tthat:\tControl,\tA;\tDelete.\tThe\tkiss\tnever\thappened. I\t pray\t for\t a\t diversion.\t A\t fire\t drill.\t Julie\t calling\t me\t to\t say\t she\t would\t never meet\ta\tdeadline\tever\tagain.\tI\u2019m\tnot\tthe\tonly\tone\tpraying\tfor\tthe\tfloor\tto\tcave\tin. \u201cHow\twas\tyour\t.\t.\t.\tdate?\u201d\tHis\tvoice\tis\tfaint,\this\tknuckles\twhite.\tBeing\tnice to\tme\tis\ta\tlot\tof\teffort. \u201cFine.\tWe\u2019ve\tgot\ta\tlot\tin\tcommon.\u201d\tI\ttry\tin\tvain\tto\twake\tmy\tcomputer. \u201cYou\u2019re\tboth\textremely\tsmall.\u201d\tHe\u2019s\tfrowning\tat\this\town\tcomputer\tas\tif\tthis is\tthe\tworst\tconversation\the\u2019s\tever\tbeen\tparty\tto.\tBeing\tfriends\twith\tme\tdoes\tnot come\tnaturally. \u201cHe\tdidn\u2019t\teven\ttease\tme\tabout\tthe\tstrawberries.\tDanny\tis\t.\t.\t.\tnice.\tHe\u2019s\tmy type.\u201d\tIt\u2019s\tall\tI\tcan\tthink\tof\tto\tsay. \u201cNice\tis\twhat\tyou\twant,\tthen.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\t all\t anybody\t wants.\t My\t parents\t have\t been\t begging\t me\t for\t ages\t to\t find myself\t a\t nice\t guy.\u201d\t I\t keep\t my\t voice\t light,\t but\t inside,\t a\t little\t bubble\t of\t hope\t is rising.\tWe\u2019re\ttalking\tlike\tfriends. \u201cAnd\tdid\tMr.\tNice\tGuy\tdrive\tyou\thome?\u201d I\tknow\twhat\the\u2019s\tasking\tme.\t\u201cNo.\tI\tgot\ta\tcab.\tBy\tmyself.\u201d He\t breathes\t out\t heavily.\t He\t rubs\t his\t face\t in\t exhaustion,\t then\t looks\t at\t me through\this\tfingers.\t\u201cWhat\tshall\twe\tplay\tnow?\u201d \u201cWhat\tabout\tNormal\tColleagues?\tOr\tthe\tFriendship\tGame?\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tdying to\ttry\teither\tof\tthose.\u201d\tI\tlook\tup\tand\thold\tmy\tbreath. He\tsits\tup\tstraight\tand\tglowers\tat\tme.\t\u201cBoth\twould\tbe\ta\twaste\tof\ttime,\tdon\u2019t you\tthink?\u201d \u201cWell,\touch.\u201d\tIf\tI\tsay\tit\tsarcastically,\the\twon\u2019t\tknow\tI\u2019m\tserious.\tHe\topens his\tplanner,\tpencil\tin\thand,\tand\tbegins\tmaking\tso\tmany\tannotations\tthat\tI\tblink and\t turn\t to\t my\t computer.\t I\t can\u2019t\t care\t about\t his\t stupid\t planner\t anymore.\t His pencil,\tmy\tspying\texperiment.\tIt\tall\tends\tright\tnow.\tIt\u2019s\tall\tbeen\ta\twaste\tof\ttime.","I\ttell\tmyself\tto\tbe\tglad. TODAY\t IS\t A\t magnificent\t black\t T-shirt\t day.\t Write\t today\t in\t your\t diaries.\t Tell your\t grandchildren\t stories\t about\t it.\t I\t tear\t my\t eyes\t away,\t but\t they\t slide\t back moments\t later.\t Underneath\t that\t T-shirt\t is\t a\t body\t that\t could\t fog\t an\t elderly librarian\u2019s\tglasses.\tI\tthink\tmy\tunderwear\tis\tcurling\toff\tme\tlike\tburning\tpaper. It\u2019s\t a\t week\t after\t the\t kiss\t that\t I\t never\t think\t about.\t Bexley\t &\t Gamin\u2019s Alphabet\tBranch\tis\tbeing\therded\tonto\ta\tbus\tlike\tcattle. \u201cWaivers,\u201d\tJoshua\tis\tsaying\tover\tand\tover\tas\tpeople\tslap\tthem\tinto\this\thand. \u201cWaivers\tto\tme.\tCash\tto\tLucinda.\tHey,\tthis\tisn\u2019t\tsigned.\tSign\tit.\tWaivers.\u201d \u201cWho\u2019s\tLucinda?\u201d\tsomeone\tfarther\tback\tin\tthe\tline\tasks. \u201cCash\t to\t Lucy.\t This\t ridiculously\t small\t person\t right\t here.\t Hair.\t Lipstick. Lucy.\u201d I\t know\t someone\t who\t is\t going\t to\t be\t riddled\t with\t paint\t shortly.\t The\t line surges\tforward\tand\tI\u2019m\tnearly\tflattened\tagainst\tthe\tbus. \u201cHey,\tI\tdidn\u2019t\ttell\tyou\tto\ttrample\ther.\u201d Joshua\twhips\tthem\tall\tback\tand\trebalances\tme\tbeside\thim\tlike\ta\tbowling\tpin, the\t warmth\t of\t his\t hand\t searing\t through\t my\t sleeve.\t Julie\t then\t touches\t my\t other elbow\tand\tI\tnearly\tjump\tout\tof\tmy\tskin. \u201cSorry\t for\t missing\t the\t deadline\t the\t other\t day.\t I\t can\u2019t\t wait\t to\t have\t a\t proper night\u2019s\tsleep.\tI\u2019m\tlike\ta\tzombie.\u201d She\t hands\t me\t her\t twenty\t and\t her\t nails\t have\t French\t tips.\t I\t curl\t my\t slightly chipped\tnails\tinto\tmy\tpalms. \u201cI\twas\thoping\tfor\ta\tfavor,\u201d\tshe\tsays,\tand\tover\ther\tshoulder\tI\tcan\tsee\tJoshua tense,\t ear\t tilted\t to\t our\t conversation\t like\t a\t satellite.\t Eavesdropping\t is unbecoming.\tI\tdraw\tJulie\taway\ta\tlittle,\tmy\thand\toutstretched\tas\tpeople\tcontinue to\tslap\ttwenties\tinto\tit. \u201cOkay,\twhat\tis\tit?\u201d\tAlready\tmy\tstomach\tis\tsinking. \u201cMy\tniece\tis\tsixteen,\tand\tshe\tneeds\tto\tdo\tan\tinternship.\tHer\tschool\tcounselor thinks\t it\t would\t help\t her\t to\t gain\t some\t perspective.\t She\t can\u2019t\t skip\t classes\t and sleep\tall\tday,\tyou\tknow?\tTeenagers\thave\tno\tidea\tof\tthe\tconcept\tof\twork.\u201d \u201cYou\t could\t talk\t to\t Jeanette,\t she\t could\t arrange\t something.\u201d\t I\t take\t someone else\u2019s\tcash.\t\u201cThey\talways\twant\tto\twork\twith\tthe\tdesign\tteam.\u201d \u201cNo,\tI\twant\ther\tto\tdo\tan\tinternship\twith\tyou.\u201d \u201cMe?\tWhy?\u201d\tI\u2019m\tseized\twith\tthe\turge\tto\trun\taway. \u201cYou\u2019re\tthe\tonly\tperson\there\twho\u2019d\tbe\tpatient\tenough\twith\ther.\tShe\u2019s\ta\tlittle bit\topinionated.\u201d","This\t is\t a\t world\t first,\t but\t I\t wish\t Joshua\t would\t interrupt.\t Something\t happen. Please.\t I\t am\t beaming\t messages\t his\t satellite\t ear\t is\t not\t receiving.\t Joshua, Mayday,\tMayday,\tI\twill\tdo\tanything\tfor\tyou\tif\tyou\tinterrupt. \u201cShe\u2019s\tgot\ta\tlot\tof\tissues.\tDrugs,\tand\ta\tfew\tother\tthings.\tPlease,\twould\tyou do\tit?\tIt\u2019d\tmean\ta\tlot\tto\ther\tmother,\tand\tit\tmight\tget\ther\tback\ton\ttrack.\u201d \u201cWell.\t Can\t I\t think\t on\t it?\u201d\t I\t avert\t my\t eyes\t from\t Joshua\t who\t has\t abandoned eavesdropping\tand\thas\tnow\tturned\tto\tface\tus,\thand\ton\thip. \u201cI\t need\t to\t know\t now.\t She\u2019s\t meeting\t with\t her\t school\t counselor\t in\t half\t an hour.\t She\u2019s\t meant\t to\t have\t something\t lined\t up.\u201d\t Julie\t looks\t at\t me,\t her\t mouth curled\tin\tan\texpectant\tsmile. \u201cHow\tlong\twould\tit\tbe\tfor?\tLike,\ta\tday?\u201d Julie\ttakes\ta\tstep\tcloser,\tsqueezing\tmy\tarm\tpainfully\tin\ther\tbeautiful\thand. \u201cIt\u2019d\t be\t for\t two\t weeks\t during\t the\t next\t school\t break.\t You\u2019re\t such\t a sweetheart.\t Thank\t you,\t I\u2019ll\t text\t her\t now.\t She\t won\u2019t\t be\t happy\t but\t you\u2019ll\t bring her\taround.\u201d \u201cWait,\u201d\tI\tbegin,\tbut\tshe\u2019s\talready\tclimbing\tonto\tthe\tbus. \u201cWell,\tthat\twent\twell.\tYou\tknow\twhat\tI\twould\thave\ttold\ther?\u201d\tJoshua\tsays. I\tstick\ta\thand\tinto\tmy\thair.\tMy\tscalp\tfeels\thot\tand\tprickly.\t\u201cShut\tup.\u201d \u201cI\u2019d\thave\tsaid\tone\tlittle\tword.\tIt\u2019s\tsimple,\tyou\tshould\ttry\tit\tsometime.\tSay\tit with\tme.\tNo.\u201d \u201cHey,\u201d\tDanny\tsays\twith\ta\tsmile\tas\the\tjoins\tthe\tqueue. \u201cNo.\t Hi.\u201d\t I\t do\t my\t cutest\t grin.\t I\t hope\t he\u2019s\t wearing\t sunscreen\t on\t his\t pretty silver-blond\tskin.\t\u201cYou\tmade\tit.\tI\tguess\tpaintballing\tis\ta\tgood\tway\tto\tcelebrate your\tlast\tday.\u201d \u201cYeah,\tit\u2019ll\tbe\tfun.\tMitchell\tsaid\tI\tdidn\u2019t\thave\tto\tcome,\tbut\tI\twanted\tto.\tThe team\ttook\tme\tout\tfor\ta\tfarewell\tlunch\ttoo.\u201d I\t know\t most\t of\t this;\t we\u2019ve\t been\t emailing\t all\t week,\t and\t I\t helped\t him\t carry some\tboxes\tto\this\tcar.\tThe\tlittle\tenvelope\ticon\ton\tmy\ttoolbar\thas\tbeen\tgiving\tme little\t twinges\t of\t excitement.\t I\u2019ve\t been\t hot\t and\t restless\t all\t morning.\t Light- headed.\tI\tdefinitely\thave\ta\tcrush. \u201cWaiver,\u201d\tJoshua\tinterjects.\tDanny\thands\thim\tthe\tpaper,\tnot\ttaking\this\teyes from\tme. \u201cI\t love\t your\t hair\t today,\u201d\t Danny\t tells\t me\t and\t I\t duck\t my\t head,\t flattered.\t It\u2019s the\t correct\t thing\t to\t say\t to\t me.\t I\u2019m\t ridiculously\t vain\t about\t my\t hair.\t My conditioner\tis\tprobably\tworth\tmore\tper\tounce\tthan\tcocaine. \u201cThanks,\tit\u2019s\tgone\ta\tlittle\tcrazy.\tI\tthink\tit\u2019s\ta\tbit\thumid.\u201d \u201cWell,\tI\tlike\tit\ta\tlittle\tcrazy.\u201d\tDanny\ttouches\tthe\thaywire\tcurls\tresting\ton\tmy","upper\tarm.\tWe\tmake\teye\tcontact\tand\tstart\tlaughing. \u201cI\u2019ll\tbet\tyou\tdo,\tsleazebag.\u201d\tI\tshake\tmy\thead. \u201cGive\ther\tthe\tmoney,\tthen\tget\ton\tthe\tbus,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays\tslowly,\tlike\tDanny\tis very\t simple\t indeed.\t They\t exchange\t an\t unfriendly\t look.\t I\t take\t his\t twenty\t and give\thim\ta\tFlamethrower\tsmile\tin\treturn. \u201cWanna\tbe\tteammates?\u201d \u201cYes,\u201d\tI\tsay\tat\tthe\tsame\ttime\tas\tJoshua\tbarks,\tNo.\tHe\tsure\tis\tgood\tat\tsaying that\tword. \u201cTeams\tare\tpre-allocated,\u201d\the\tsnaps,\tand\tDanny\tshoots\tme\ta\tlook\tthat\tclearly says,\tWhat\u2019s\tup\this\tass? \u201cI\t was\t hoping\t to\u2014\u201d\t Danny\t begins,\t but\t Joshua\t shoots\t him\t his\t own\t look: Whatever\t you\u2019re\t trying?\t Don\u2019t.\t The\t last\t person\t in\t the\t line\t gives\t me\t their\t cash, and\twe\tare\tleft\tstanding\tin\ta\tfog\tof\tweird\ttension.","Chapter\t8 I\u2019ll\ttalk\tto\tyou\tin\ta\tbit,\u201d\tDanny\tpromises\tme\tand\tboards\tthe\tbus.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tblame him.\tJoshua\thas\this\tarms\tcrossed\tlike\ta\tnightclub\tbouncer. \u201cWhat\tthe\thell\twas\tthat\tabout?\u201d\tI\task\tJoshua.\tHe\tshakes\this\thead. Helene\t and\t Mr.\t Bexley\t swerve\t out\t in\t their\t respective\t Porsche\t and\t Rolls\t to meet\t us\t there.\t Of\t course,\t they\u2019re\t not\t going\t to\t participate\t in\t the\t team\t building. They\u2019re\t going\t to\t sit\t on\t the\t balcony\t overlooking\t the\t paintball\t park\t and\t drink coffee\tand\thate\teach\tother\u2019s\tguts. \u201cLet\u2019s\tgo,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays\tand\tpushes\tme\tonto\tthe\tbus.\tThere\tare\tonly\ttwo\tseats left,\t and\t they\u2019re\t right\t up\t front.\t Joshua\t has\t reserved\t them\t with\t stacks\t of clipboards.\tDanny\tleans\tinto\tthe\taisle\tand\tshrugs\tregretfully. Joshua\t sent\t the\t branch\t an\t email\t instructing\t us\t to\t change\t into\t old\t casual clothes\tat\tlunch.\tThings\twe\twon\u2019t\tmind\truining.\tI\u2019m\twearing\tskintight\tjeans\tand a\t stretched-out\t vintage\t Elvis\t T-shirt.\t It\t used\t to\t belong\t to\t my\t dad.\t Fat,\t jumpsuit Elvis,\tmicrophone\traised\tto\this\tlips.\tIt\tslides\tloosely\toff\tmy\tshoulder.\tThe\tlook\tI was\t trying\t to\t emulate\t was\t Kate\t Moss\t at\t a\t music\t festival.\t Judging\t by\t Joshua\u2019s face\twhen\the\tsaw\tme,\tI\u2019m\ta\ttragic\tloser.\tHe\tdid,\thowever,\tlook\tat\tthe\temerald- green\tstrap\tof\tmy\tsports\tbra.\tI\tknow\tthat\tfor\ta\tfact. Joshua\t also\t got\t changed\t into\t casual\t clothes.\t While\t he\t folded\t his\t black business\tshirt\tneatly\ton\this\tdesk\tlike\ta\tretail\tassistant,\tI\tcaught\tmy\treflection\ton the\t wall\t diagonal\t to\t him;\t a\t slack-jawed\t mask\t of\t idiotic\t lust.\t Firstly,\t Joshua\t is wearing\t jeans.\t They\u2019re\t all\t beaten-up\t and\t worn,\t with\t ice-blue\t paint\t flecks,\t and they\tpull\ttaut\tacross\this\tthighs\tas\the\tsits.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tfault\tthose\tjeans. Next,\t he\u2019s\t wearing\t a\t T-shirt.\t The\t soft,\t threadbare\t cotton\t melts\t all\t over\t his torso\tas\the\tslouches.\tThe\tshapes\tgoing\ton\tunder\tthat\tT-shirt\tare\t.\t.\t.\tThe\tsleeves are\t cutting\t gently\t into\t biceps\t that\t are\t making\t me\t .\t .\t .\t But\t it\u2019s\t his\t flat\t stomach that\tI\u2019m\t.\t.\t.\tThe\tskin\tis\tall\tgold\tlike\u2014 \u201cMay\tI\thelp\tyou\twith\tsomething?\u201d\tHe\tsmoothes\tdown\tthe\tT-shirt.\tMy\teyes slither\t along\t behind\t his\t hand.\t I\t want\t to\t scrunch\t up\t that\t T-shirt\t into\t a\t bowl\t and eat\tit\twith\ta\tdessert\tspoon.","\u201cI\tnever\tthought\tyou\u2019d\twear\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tI\tgesture\tvaguely\tat\this\tfabulous\ttorso. \u201cYou\tthought\tI\u2019d\tbe\tpaintballing\tin\tHugo\tBoss?\u201d \u201cHugo\tBoss,\teh?\tDidn\u2019t\tthey\tdesign\tthe\tNazi\tuniforms?\u201d \u201cLucinda,\t I\t swear.\u201d\t He\t closes\t his\t eyes\t for\t nearly\t a\t full\t minute.\t He\t pinches the\tbridge\tof\this\tnose.\tI\u2019d\tswear\the\u2019s\ttrying\tto\tnot\tlaugh,\tor\tscream. I\tcross\tmy\teyes\tat\thim,\tpoke\tmy\ttongue\tout,\tand\tsay,\t\u201cDerrrr.\u201d\tHe\tdoesn\u2019t crack.\t Defeated,\t I\t twist\t up\t and\t look\t over\t the\t seats\t until\t I\t see\t Danny\u2019s\t ruffled hair.\tWe\twave\tto\teach\tother\tand\tpull\tidentical\tfaces\tto\tindicate\thow\tunhappy\twe are\twith\tour\tseatmates.\tThen\tit\toccurs\tto\tme\tmy\tboobs\tare\tprobably\ta\tcouple\tof inches\tfrom\tJoshua\u2019s\thead\tand\tI\tslide\tback\tdown. \u201cYou\tand\thim?\tIt\u2019s\tgetting\ta\tlittle\tpathetic.\u201d\tJoshua\tis\ttesty. The\t word\t cuts\t me\t deep.\t Pathetic.\t He\u2019s\t called\t me\t that\t before.\t We\u2019ve circuited\tback\tneatly\tto\tthe\tsame\tplace\twe\u2019re\tmost\tcomfortable.\tI\thad\twondered how\tthings\twould\tplay\tout\tafter\tthe\tkiss,\tafter\tthe\ttears,\tthe\twounded\tsadness\tin his\teyes.\tThe\tapology.\tThe\tsilence\tthat\thas\tstretched\tthrough\teach\tday\tsince. According\t to\t Joshua,\t we\u2019re\t back\t to\t hate,\t and\t I\t can\u2019t\t do\t it\t much\t longer.\t I can\u2019t\t keep\t it\t going.\t It\u2019s\t taking\t too\t much\t out\t of\t me.\t What\t was\t once\t as\t easy\t as breathing\tis\tnow\tan\tuphill\tbattle.\tI\u2019m\tso\ttired\tI\u2019m\taching. \u201cSure.\tI\u2019m\tpathetic.\u201d\tI\twatch\tthe\troad\tahead,\tand\tthe\tStaring\tGame\tis\tgoing on,\tone-sided.\tI\tignore\thim.\tNo\tone\tcan\tsee\tus\texcept\tthe\tdriver,\tif\tshe\tchose\tto look,\tbut\tshe\u2019s\tgot\ttraffic\tto\tcontend\twith. \u201cShortcake.\u201d I\tignore\thim. \u201cShortcake.\u201d \u201cI\tdo\tnot\tknow\tanyone\tby\tthat\tname.\u201d \u201cPlay\twith\tme\tfor\ta\tminute,\u201d\the\tsays\tit\tsoftly,\tright\tin\tmy\tear.\tI\tturn\tmy\tface to\this\tand\ttry\tto\tregulate\tmy\tbreathing. \u201cHR,\u201d\tI\tmanage.\tHis\tface\tis\tso\tclose\tto\tmine\tI\tcan\ttaste\this\tbreath,\thot\tmint sweetness.\t I\t can\t see\t the\t tiny\t stripes\t in\t his\t irises,\t tiny\t unexpected\t sparks\t of yellow\tand\tgreen.\tThere\tare\tso\tmany\tblues\tI\tthink\tof\tgalaxies.\tLittle\tstars. \u201cAre\tyour\troses\tstill\talive?\u201d Is\tthere\tanything\tthis\tman\tdoes\tnot\tknow?\tI\ttry\tto\tnot\tnotice\tthat\tour\telbows are\ttouching\ta\tlittle.\tElbows\tare\tnot\terogenous.\tAt\tleast,\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tthink\tthey\twere. \u201cWho\u2019d\tyou\thear\tabout\tthem\tfrom?\u201d \u201cWell,\t everyone\t knows\t Danny\t Fletcher\t is\t your\t dream\t man.\t Roses\t and whatnot.\t Candlelit\t lunches\t for\t two\t in\t the\t work\t kitchen.\u201d\t He\t looks\t at\t my\t lips, and\tI\tlick\tthem.\tHe\tlooks\tat\tmy\tbra\tstrap,\tand\tmy\tknees\tpress\ttogether.","\u201cWho\u2019s\tyour\tsource?\u201d His\t eyes\t are\t getting\t darker.\t The\t pupil\t is\t eating\t the\t blue,\t and\t I\t think\t of\t his elevator\teyes.\tMurderous\teyes.\tPassionate\teyes.\tCrazy-person\teyes. \u201cInside\t source?\t Like\t magazines\t have\t for\t celebrities?\t Are\t you\t a\t celebrity, Lucinda?\u201d \u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\thow\tyou\tknow\tso\tmuch.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tperceptive.\tI\tknow\teverything.\u201d \u201cYou\t know\t I\t have\t roses\t in\t my\t bedroom\t because\t of\t what,\t body\t language? Mind\t reading?\t You\u2019re\t so\t full\t of\t shit.\t You\t probably\t look\t through\t my\t window with\ta\tlong-range\ttelescope.\u201d \u201cMaybe\tI\thave\tthe\tapartment\topposite\tyours.\u201d \u201cYou\t wish\t you\t did,\t you\t creep.\u201d\t I\u2019m\t beginning\t to\t feel\t the\t first\t prickles\t of sweat\t on\t my\t spine.\t If\t he\t did,\t I\u2019d\t probably\t be\t the\t one\t sitting\t in\t the\t dark\t with binoculars. \u201cWell?\tAre\tthey?\u201d \u201cThey\twilted.\tI\thad\tto\ttoss\tthem\tout\tthis\tmorning.\u201d His\thand\tslides\tdown\tmy\tarm,\tslowly,\tsoftly,\tpressing\tthe\tgoose\tbumps\tflat. His\thand\tis\tso\tcold\tI\tglance\tup\tat\this\tface.\tHis\tface\tis\tset\tto\ta\tdefault\tfrown. \u201cYou\u2019re\tpretty\thot.\u201d \u201cYeah,\tbut\tthat\u2019s\tcommon\tknowledge.\u201d\tI\u2019m\tsarcastic\tas\tI\tpull\taway.\tThe\tbus jolts\t around\t a\t corner\t and\t a\t little\t wave\t of\t dizziness\t blurs\t my\t vision\t and\t nausea turns\tmy\tstomach\tover.\tI\u2019m\tnot\tgetting\tsick.\tMy\tbody\tis\tprobably\treacting\tto\tthe stress\t of\t the\t job\t application\t process,\t the\t kiss,\t and\t the\t murder-glint\t in\t Joshua\u2019s eyes. \u201cLooking\tforward\tto\tbeing\tannihilated?\u201d I\tmanage\tthe\tbest\tretort\tI\tcan. \u201cI\u2019m\t going\t to\t destroy\t you.\t The\t Hating\t Game.\t You\t versus\t me.\t It\u2019s\t the\t only way\tthis\tcan\tpossibly\tend.\u201d \u201cRight,\u201d\t Joshua\t barks\t abruptly,\t standing\t up\t and\t kneeling\t in\t his\t seat\t to address\t our\t colleagues.\t They\t all\t reluctantly\t stop\t talking,\t and\t I\t sense\t mutiny\t is afoot. I\t kneel\t up\t too,\t and\t wave\t at\t everyone.\t They\t all\t smile.\t Good\t little\t cop, universally\tdespised\tcop.\tI\tnotice\tthe\tGamins\tare\tsitting\tto\tthe\tleft,\tthe\tBexleys to\tthe\tright. \u201cThere\twill\tbe\ta\ttotal\tof\tsix\tchallenges\ttoday,\u201d\tJoshua\tbegins. \u201cSeven\t if\t you\t include\t him,\u201d\t I\t add\t and\t get\t some\t cheap\t laughs.\t He\t scowls sideways\tat\tme.","\u201cSix\tteams\tof\tfour.\tEach\tchallenge\tyou\u2019ll\tbe\tin\ta\tdifferent\tgroup.\tThe\taim\tis to\t get\t to\t know\t your\t colleagues\t in\t an\t outdoor,\t active\t environment.\t As\t teams you\u2019ll\tcome\tup\twith\tstrategies\tto\tget\tthe\tflag\tfirst.\u201d There\t are\t blank\t faces,\t and\t he\t sighs\t heavily.\t \u201cSeriously?\t No\t one\t here\t has ever\tdone\tpaintball?\tYou\twill\tbe\ttrying\tto\tget\tthe\tflag\tbefore\tthe\topposing\tteam. Main\trule\tis\tno\tpaintballing\tthe\tflag\tmarshals.\tOr\teach\tother\u2019s\tfaces,\tor\tgroins.\u201d Darn\tit,\tthat\u2019s\tall\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tdreaming\tabout. \u201cMarion,\t Tim,\t Fiona,\t Carey,\t you\t are\t flag\t marshals.\t You\t are\t assessing\t the team\tparticipation\tfrom\tthe\tvantage\tpoint\tbeside\tthe\tflag.\tScoring\tpeople,\tif\tyou will.\u201d I\u2019m\t slightly\t impressed.\t I\t was\t a\t bit\t concerned\t imagining\t those\t four\t heaving their\t heavy,\t pain-riddled,\t aging\t bodies\t across\t a\t paintball\t course.\t Carey\t and Marion\tnod\tto\teach\tother\tself-importantly\tas\tJoshua\tpasses\tback\tfour\tclipboards. I\t wish\t he\u2019d\t discussed\t all\t of\t this\t with\t me.\t He\u2019s\t in\t complete\t control\t and\t I\t don\u2019t like\tit. \u201cAfter\t we\t finish,\t we\t will\t convene\t up\t on\t the\t deck\t for\t coffee\t and\t to\t discuss what\twe\u2019ve\tlearned\tabout\teach\tother\ttoday.\u201d\tHe\tslithers\tback\tdown\tinto\this\tseat. \u201cAny\tquestions?\u201d\tI\tlook\taround\tand\ta\tfew\thands\tare\traised. \u201cDo\twe\tget\toveralls?\u201d Joshua\tsays\tsomething\tunder\this\tbreath\tthat\tsounds\tlike\tfucking\tmorons.\tI\u2019ll field\tthis\tone. \u201cYou\u2019ll\t each\t get\t a\t protective\t suit\t and\t a\t helmet\t to\t protect\t your\t eyes\t and face.\u201d\tI\tfeel\tJoshua\u2019s\tsigh\tat\tmy\thip\tsink\tthrough\tmy\tT-shirt. \u201cYes.\u201d\tI\tpoint,\tand\tAndy\tlowers\this\thand. \u201cHow\tmuch\tdo\tpaintballs\thurt?\u201d \u201cA\tlot,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays\tfrom\this\tseat. \u201cRemember,\tfolks,\tthe\taim\tisn\u2019t\tto\thurt\teach\tother.\u201d\tI\tglance\tdown\tat\tJoshua. \u201cNo\tmatter\thow\tbad\tyou\twant\tto!\u201d \u201cAre\t you\t two\t on\t opposing\t sides?\u201d\t someone\t at\t the\t back\t calls,\t causing laughter. Our\treputation\tfor\thatred\thas\tgotten\ta\tlittle\tout\tof\thand,\tand\tmost\tof\tit\tis\tmy fault.\tI\thave\tto\tquit\twith\tthe\thating-Joshua\tjokes. \u201cThis\tis\tdesigned\tto\tbring\tus\tall\ttogether.\tWe\u2019ll\tall\tbe\ton\teach\tother\u2019s\tteam\tat some\tpoint,\tlike\tin\ta\twork\tsituation.\tEven\tJoshua\tand\tI\twill\tfind\tsome\tcommon ground\ttoday.\tAnyway.\tThe\tgrand\tprize!\u201d\tEveryone\tsits\tup\tstraight. \u201cThe\t prize,\u201d\t Joshua\t interrupts\t loudly\t from\t his\t seat,\t \u201cis\t an\t extra\t leave\t day credited\tto\tyou.\tThat\u2019s\tright\u2014a\tfree\tday\toff.\tBut\tyou\thave\tto\tearn\tit\tdisplaying","outstanding\tcommitment\tto\tyour\tteam.\u201d There\u2019s\t a\t buzz\t among\t the\t group.\t A\t free\t day\t off.\t A\t day\t release\t from\t jail.\t It dangles\tabove\tthem\tall\tlike\ta\tbrass\tring. Paintball\tShootout\tis\tlocated\tin\ta\tsmall\tpine\tplantation.\tThe\tground\tis\tdusty and\t stark.\t The\t trees\t ache\t for\t death.\t A\t crow\t circles\t overhead,\t making\t ominous creaking\tnoises.\tEveryone\tstraggles\tinto\ta\tlumpy\tcircle\tnear\tthe\tgates. A\t guy\t in\t a\t camouflage\t Paintball\t Shootout\t coveralls\t poses\t like\t an\t army sergeant\t beside\t Joshua.\t They\t both\t have\t the\t same\t tall,\t muscled,\t marine\t body types.\t Maybe\t Joshua\t spends\t his\t every\t spare\t moment\t here.\t They\u2019re\t brothers\t in arms.\tComrades\twho\u2019ve\tseen\tsome\tseriously\tpainty\tshit\tgo\tdown\tin\tthis\tbarren wasteland.\tWhen\tthey\tboth\tstare\texpectantly\tat\tme,\tI\trealize\tI\u2019m\tsupposed\tto\tbe standing\tup\tfront\ttoo. Joshua\tdemonstrates\thow\tto\tput\tthe\tsuit\tand\tprotective\tgear\ton\tand\teveryone watches\twith\tkeen\tinterest.\tSergeant\tPaintball\tfields\tthe\tslew\tof\tstupid\tquestions with\tpracticed\tpatience.\tWe\tall\treceive\tour\tsuits,\thelmets,\tkneepads.\tThen\twe\u2019re armed. We\t are\t adults\t undertaking\t a\t team-building\t activity\t in\t a\t professional capacity,\t so\t naturally\t we\t spend\t several\t minutes\t horsing\t around,\t striking\t poses with\tour\tpaintball\tguns\tand\tmaking\tsound\teffects.\tJoshua\tand\tSergeant\tPaintball watch\tus\tlike\torderlies\tat\ta\tmental\tfacility.\tAlan,\trecent\tBirthday\tBoy,\tpretends to\t mow\t us\t all\t down.\t \u201cPew,\t pew,\t pew,\u201d\t he\t intones\t in\t his\t grave\t baritone.\t \u201cPew, pew.\u201d I\t scramble\t out\t of\t the\t path\t of\t one\t fake\t skirmish\t and\t start\t to\t feel\t undersized and\tfeeble.\tI\tlook\tat\tall\tthe\tlong\tlegs\tand\teyes\tlit\twith\tpaint-lust.\tMaybe\ttensions will\tboil\tover.\tThey\u2019ll\tall\tgo\trogue,\tGamins\tversus\tBexleys,\tswapping\tpaintball guns\tfor\tAK-47s. Sweat\tis\tstarting\tto\tbead\ton\tmy\tbrow\tand\tupper\tlip\tand\twhatever\tis\tgoing\ton with\tmy\tstomach,\tit\u2019s\tbad.\tMy\tlipstick\tis\ta\tfaded\tpink\tPopsicle\tstain\tand\tmy\thair is\t stuffed\t into\t a\t heavy\t helmet.\t The\t smallest\t suit\t they\t had\t is\t still\t so\t big\t that people\tlaugh\twhen\tthey\tsee\tme.\tSuch\telegance.\tSuch\tgrace.\tI\tam\tgoing\tto\tneed to\tconcentrate\treally\thard\ton\tgetting\tthrough\tthis\tafternoon. Helene\t waves\t to\t me.\t She\t is\t standing\t on\t an\t observation\t deck,\t wearing\t a white\t visor,\t cream\t linen\t shirt,\t and\t white\t cigarette\t pants,\t sipping\t Diet\t Coke through\ta\tstraw.\tOnly\tHelene\twould\twear\twhite\tto\ta\tpaintball\tpark.\tMr.\tBexley is\tsulking\tabout\tsomething\tand\tremains\tseated,\tarms\tcrossed,\ta\tbullfrog\tin\tkhaki. \u201cHave\tfun,\teveryone,\u201d\tHelene\tcalls.\t\u201cAnd\tremember,\twe\tcan\tsee\tyou!\u201d\tWith that\teerie\tBig\tBrother\tcomment\tringing\tin\tour\tears\twe\tbegin.","Joshua\t reads\t out\t the\t first\t teams\t and\t I\u2019m\t on\t his.\t We\t stride\t out\t with\t our teammates,\tAndy\tand\tAnnabelle.\tTwo\tGamins,\ttwo\tBexleys.\tOur\topposing\tteam files\tout,\ta\tsimilar\tratio.\tHe\tmust\thave\tsorted\teach\tteam\tlike\tthis. I\t should\t have\t opened\t my\t mouth\t this\t last\t week\t to\t ask\t him\t about\t the arrangements,\t but\t the\t awkwardness\t between\t us\t has\t been\t insurmountable.\t Plus, since\tmy\tcorporate\tretreat\tidea\twas\tcompletely\tdestroyed\tI\u2019ve\tfelt\tlackluster\tand sulky\tabout\teverything.\tHe\thijacked\tit,\the\tcan\tdamn\twell\torganize\tit. But\tas\tI\trealize\tthe\tair\tis\tfilled\twith\tpalpable\texcitement,\tI\trealize\tmy\tgrand idea\thas\tnow\tbecome\this\tachievement.\tI\u2019m\tsuch\tan\tidiot. I\t spot\t Marion\t with\t the\t flag.\t She\t waves\t merrily\t with\t a\t pen\t gripped\t between her\t teeth,\t clipboard\t in\t hand,\t and\t binoculars\t hanging\t on\t her\t chest.\t She\t is\t taking her\tfaux-important\tjob\tseriously. \u201cWhat\u2019s\tthe\tplan,\tteam?\u201d\tI\tcan\u2019t\tsee\tour\topposition. \u201cStick\ttogether\tor\tspread\tout?\u201d\tAnnabelle\tis\tunsure. \u201cHmm,\t I\u2019d\t say\t probably\t stick\t together,\t given\t this\t is\t a\t team-building challenge.\u201d\t I\t prop\t myself\t up\t on\t some\t slender\t pine\t branches\t and\t wish\t I\t could wipe\tmy\tface.\tIn\tthis\tsuit\tI\u2019m\tso\thot\tI\tfeel\tfaint. \u201cWe\tshould\tpick\tone\tperson\twho\u2019ll\tbe\tgoing\tfor\tthe\tflag,\tand\tprotect\tthem,\u201d Andy\tsays,\twhich\tis\ta\tgood\tidea. \u201cI\tlike\tit.\tWho\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tdo\tit?\u201d They\t both\t peep\t furtively\t at\t Joshua,\t clearly\t fearful\t of\t him.\t Somehow,\t the helmet\tdoesn\u2019t\tlook\tstupid\ton\thim.\tHis\tgloved\thand\tlooks\tbig\tenough\tto\tpunch through\ta\tbrick\twall.\tHe\tshould\tbe\tminiaturized\tand\tsold\tin\ttoy\tstores\tfor\tviolent little\tboys. \u201cAnnabelle,\u201d\t Joshua\t decides.\t \u201cAnd\t if\t she\t gets\t shot,\t we\u2019ll\t go\t for\t the\t flag\t in alphabetical\torder,\tfirst\tnames.\u201d Great.\tMeaning\tAndy,\tJoshua,\tand\tthen\tLucy.\tBasically,\tno\tone\tis\tprotecting me\t at\t all.\t I\u2019m\t cannon\t fodder.\t We\t file\t out\t and\t take\t cover.\t Andy\t sees\t my\t rising panic\tand\tsmiles\tkindly.\t\u201cWe\u2019ll\tall\tlook\tafter\tyou\tLuce,\tdon\u2019t\tworry.\u201d I\t knew\t somehow\t Joshua\t would\t find\t a\t way\t to\t screw\t with\t me.\t I\t am\t coming out\t of\t this\t bruised,\t battered,\t and\t paint-splattered.\t And\t I\t can\u2019t\t even\t shoot\t him until\tI\u2019m\trotated\tonto\tanother\tteam. There\u2019s\t a\t horn\t blast,\t and\t I\u2019m\t crawling\t on\t hands\t and\t knees\t up\t an\t incline awkwardly,\t the\t loose\t dirt\t making\t me\t slide.\t I\t am\t moving\t first.\t It\t makes\t sense, given\tour\tstrategy.\tI\u2019ll\tscout\tthe\tway\tforward.\tI\u2019m\tthe\tmost\texpendable. My\t arms\t won\u2019t\t seem\t to\t hold\t me\t up\t properly\t and\t I\t collapse\t onto\t my stomach.\t Annabelle\t runs\t ahead\t of\t me\t with\t windmill\t limbs\t and\t zero\t strategy\t or","stealth.\t I\t kneel\t up\t and\t try\t to\t call\t her\t back.\t A\t hand\t clamps\t on\t my\t calf\t and\t I\u2019m dragged\tbackward\tuntil\tJoshua\tflops\tdown\tnext\tto\tme,\tgun\tin\thand.\tHe\tmotions at\tme\tto\tlie\tdown. \u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d\tI\thiss\tat\thim. \u201cYou\u2019ll\tget\tshot\tin\tthe\tface\tif\tyou\tpop\tup\tlike\tthat.\u201d \u201cWhy\tdidn\u2019t\tyou\tlet\tme\tthen?\u201d His\thand\tspreads\tacross\tmy\tlower\tback,\tpinning\tme\tfirmly\tto\tthe\tground.\tIn the\t privacy\t of\t my\t mind\t I\t can\t admit\t the\t weight\t of\t his\t hand\t is\t delicious.\t The slivers\tof\tfabric\tbetween\tour\tskin\tbegins\tto\tglow. \u201cWhat\u2019s\twrong\twith\tyou,\tanyway?\u201d \u201cNothing\u2019s\twrong.\u201d\tI\ttry\tto\tsquirm\taway. \u201cYou\tlook\tterrible.\u201d \u201cThanks.\t We\t have\t to\t cover\t Annabelle.\u201d\t I\t edge\t up\t to\t see\t her\t tottering awkwardly\t among\t slender\t tree\t trunks,\t completely\t exposed.\t Andy\t is\t gallantly leaping\tafter\ther.\tThe\tflag\tis\tan\torange\tscrap\tin\tthe\tdistance. I\u2019m\t up\t and\t running,\t Joshua\t behind\t me.\t I\t fall\t behind\t a\t boulder\t and\t spot Marnie\t on\t the\t opposing\t team.\t Raising\t my\t gun,\t I\t fire\t off\t a\t couple\t of\t rounds, clipping\ther\tin\tthe\tshoulder.\tShe\tsays\ta\tdisappointed,\t\u201cAw,\u201d\tand\twalks\toff. When\tI\tlook\tat\tJoshua\the\tlooks\tmildly\timpressed.\t\u201cBadass.\u201d Annabelle\t is\t out\t of\t sight.\t The\t air\t is\t filled\t with\t cracks,\t pops,\t and\t cries\t of pain.\tAfter\ta\tfew\tshort\truns,\tI\tfind\tAndy\tkneeling\ton\tthe\tground\ttrying\tto\ttie\this boot\tlace\twith\ta\tbig\tsplat\tof\tpaint\ton\this\tchest. \u201cOh,\tAndy!\u201d He\t looks\t up\t at\t me\t with\t the\t weary\t eyes\t of\t a\t Vietnam\t vet\t who\t knows\t he\u2019s about\t to\t die,\t blood\t geysering\t from\t a\t pulpy\t stomach\t wound.\t He\t grasps\t at\t my knee.\t\u201cGo\tsave\ther.\u201d He\thas\tbeen\twatching\ttoo\tmany\taction\tmovies,\tbut\tso\thave\tI\tjudging\tby\tthe swell\tof\tresponsibility\tand\tprotectiveness\tinside\tme.\tI\twill\tsave\tAnnabelle. \u201cI\u2019m\tgoing\tto\tget\ta\tCoke,\u201d\tAndy\ttells\tme,\truining\tthe\tmoment. I\tkeep\trunning.\tMy\tbreath\tfeels\tshort\tand\tI\u2019m\tfogging\tmy\tgoggles\ta\tlittle.\tI hear\ta\tcrack\tand\tjump\tbehind\ta\tpyramid\tof\tbarrels,\twhich\tdrum\twith\tthe\tsound of\t shots.\t I\t look\t down.\t Nothing\t on\t me\t so\t far.\t I\t assume\t I\u2019d\t feel\t it.\t I\t check\t the backs\tof\tmy\tlegs. \u201cYou\u2019re\t clear,\u201d\t Joshua\t calls.\t I\t look\t over\t at\t him,\t crouched\t nearby\t behind\t a big\ttree\tstump.\tHe\u2019s\tholding\this\tpaintball\tgun\tin\ta\tcool\tway,\tpointed\tstraight\tat the\tsky.\tI\ttry\tto\tcopy\thim\tand\tbegin\tto\tdrop\tit. \u201cDork,\u201d\the\tcomments\tunnecessarily.\tHe\tmust\thave\tstrong\twrists.","\u201cShut\tup.\u201d Annabelle\tis\tcrouched\tbehind\ta\tmiserable,\tsuicidal\tsapling.\tI\twatch\ther\traise her\tgun\tand\ttake\tout\tMatt\tfrom\tthe\topposition.\tI\tlet\tout\ta\tyelp\tof\tdelight\tand\tshe turns\t and\t gives\t me\t the\t thumbs-up,\t grinning\t widely\t as\t she\t waves\t me\t forward. The\t flag\t is\t fluttering\t about\t thirty\t yards\t away.\t She\t is\t abruptly\t shot\t in\t the\t center of\ther\tback\tand\tyips\tin\tpain.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tneed\tto\teven\tlook\tat\tJoshua\tto\tknow\tthat\the is\tshaking\this\thead\tat\tme. \u201cOff\tyou\tgo\tthen.\tI\u2019ll\tprotect\tyou.\tJust\tyou\tand\tme\tnow,\tbuddy.\tAge\tbefore beauty.\u201d \u201cGreat.\t I\u2019m\t a\t dead\t man.\u201d\t He\t makes\t the\t short\t run\t to\t my\t barrel\t hideout\t and checks\this\tammo,\tglancing\tover\this\tshoulder. \u201cWere\t your\t parents\t in\t the\t military?\u201d\t It\t would\t explain\t a\t lot.\t The\t rigid behaviors,\t the\t brisk,\t impersonal\t manner.\t Addiction\t to\t rules\t and\t sequences.\t His neatness\tand\teconomy\tin\teverything\the\tdoes.\tHe\u2019s\tnow\tgot\ta\tlack\tof\tfriends\tand the\t inability\t to\t connect.\t I\t bet\t his\t parents\t had\t frequent\t foreign\t postings.\t He bounces\ta\tquarter\toff\this\tperfectly\tmade\tbed. \u201cNo,\u201d\t he\t tells\t me,\t checking\t my\t gun\t for\t me.\t \u201cThey\u2019re\t doctors.\t Surgeons. Well,\tthey\twere.\u201d \u201cAre\tthey\tdead?\tYou\u2019re\tan\t.\t.\t.\torphan?\u201d \u201cAm\tI\twhat?\tThey\u2019re\tretired.\tAlive\tand\twell.\u201d \u201cHuh.\tAre\tyou\tfrom\there?\u201d\tThe\ttip\tof\tmy\tgun\tis\tresting\tin\tthe\tdirt.\tI\u2019m\ttoo tired.\tI\thope\tI\tget\tshot.\tI\tneed\ta\trest. \u201cOnly\tme\tand\tmy\tbrother\tlive\tin\tthe\tcity.\u201d\tHe\tfrowns\tat\tme\tand\ttaps\tmy\tgun with\this.\t\u201cHold\tyour\tgun\tup.\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s\ttwo\tof\tyou?\tHeaven\thelp\tus.\u201d\tI\ttry\tto\tobey\tbut\tmy\tarms\tare\twatery. \u201cYou\u2019ll\tbe\tpleased\tto\tknow\twe\u2019re\tnothing\talike.\u201d \u201cDo\tyou\tsee\thim\tmuch?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d\tHe\tassesses\tthe\tcourse\tin\tfront\tof\tus. \u201cWhy\tnot?\u201d \u201cNone\tof\tyour\tbusiness.\u201d\tSheesh. I\t can\t see\t Danny\t in\t the\t distance\t stalking\t through\t the\t trees\t in\t the\t skirmish happening\t on\t the\t next\t rotation\t over,\t a\t dividing\t rope\t between\t us.\t I\t give\t him\t a wave\t and\t he\t lifts\t a\t hand\t in\t response,\t a\t smile\t spreading.\t Joshua\t raises\t his\t gun and\t shoots\t him\t twice\t on\t the\t back\t of\t the\t thigh\t with\t sharpshooter\t accuracy,\t then sniffs\tderisively. \u201cWhat\t gives?\t I\u2019m\t not\t against\t you,\u201d\t Danny\t shouts.\t He\t calls\t out\t to\t his\t flag marshal\tand\tresumes,\tthis\ttime\twith\ta\tslight\tlimp.","\u201cThat\twas\tunnecessary,\tJoshua.\tVery\tbad\tsportsmanship.\u201d We\tbegin\tto\tmove\tforward,\tand\the\u2019s\tbent\tlow\tat\tthe\twaist,\tsurprisingly\tlight on\this\tfeet\tas\the\tsidesteps\ta\tvolley\tof\tshots,\tbumping\tme\tbackward\tbehind\ta\ttree. The\tflag\tis\tdangling\tclose\tby,\tbut\tthere\tare\tstill\ttwo\tof\tour\topponents\tout\tthere. \u201cQuiet,\u201d\t we\t hiss\t to\t each\t other\t in\t unison\t and\t look\t at\t each\t other.\t The\t worst place\tto\tplay\tthe\tStaring\tGame\tis\tin\tthe\tmiddle\tof\ta\tlive\tpaintball\tsession. I\thave\tto\tlean\tmy\thelmet\tback\tagainst\tthe\ttree\tto\tlook\tup\tat\thim\tproperly.\tHis eyes\tare\ta\tcolor\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tseen.\tThe\tthrill\tof\tlive\taction\tcombat\telectrifies\thim. He\t looks\t away\t to\t check\t behind\t us,\t a\t scowl\t darkening\t his\t face.\t How\t do\t I\t ever manage\tto\tkeep\tmy\tcomposure\tunder\tthose\tfierce\teyes? We\u2019re\t pressed\t together.\t My\t skin\t instantly\t sensitizes,\t and\t when\t I\t glance sideways\tI\tget\ta\tperipheral\tglimpse\tof\this\tcurved,\theavy\tbicep.\tMy\theart\tstutters when\tI\tremember\thow\tit\tfelt\tto\thave\this\thand\ton\tmy\tjaw,\tcradling\tit,\ttilting\tme up\t to\t meet\t his\t mouth.\t Tasting\t me\t like\t something\t sweet.\t He\t is\t looking\t at\t my mouth\tand\tI\tknow\the\tis\tremembering\tthe\texact\tsame\tthing.","Chapter\t9 You\u2019re\tsweating.\u201d\tJoshua\tfrowns.\tMaybe\tnot\tthen. I\tcan\thear\ta\ttwig\tcrack\tand\trealize\tsomeone\tis\tapproaching\tbehind\tus.\tI\traise my\t eyebrows\t in\t askance\t and\t Joshua\t nods.\t My\t moment\t is\t here\t and\t he\t needs\t to get\t the\t flag.\t I\t grab\t handfuls\t of\t his\t paintball\t suit\t and\t swing\t him\t around\t behind me\tagainst\tthe\ttree. \u201cWhat\t are\t you\u2014\u201d\t he\t starts\t to\t say\t behind\t my\t back,\t but\t I\u2019m\t scanning\t the terrain\t for\t the\t ambush.\t I\u2019m\t Lara\t Croft,\t raising\t her\t guns,\t eyes\t burning\t with retribution.\tI\tcan\tsee\tthe\tshape\tof\tthe\tenemy\u2019s\telbow\tbehind\tthe\tbarrels. \u201cGo!\u201d\tI\tyell.\tI\tfumble\tin\tmy\tthick\tgloves\tfor\tthe\ttrigger.\t\u201cI\u2019m\tcovering\tyou!\u201d It\t happens\t instantly.\t Pop,\t pop,\t pop.\t Pain\t radiates\t through\t me\u2014arms,\t legs, stomach,\tboob.\tI\thowl,\tbut\tthe\tshots\tkeep\tcoming,\twhite\tsplats\tall\tover\tme.\tIt\u2019s complete\toverkill.\tJoshua\tpivots\tus\tneatly\tand\tblocks\tthe\tshots\twith\this\tbody.\tI feel\thim\tjolting\tas\the\ttakes\tmore\thits\tand\this\tarm\trises\tto\tcradle\tmy\thead.\tCan\tI freeze\ttime\tand\ttake\ta\tnap\tright\there? He\t turns\t his\t head\t and\t shouts\t angrily\t at\t our\t assailant.\t The\t shots\t stop,\t and nearby\t I\t hear\t Simon\t crow\t with\t triumph,\t standing\t on\t top\t of\t the\t mound\t and waving\tthe\tflag.\tDammit.\tMy\tone\tjob\tand\the\twouldn\u2019t\teven\tlet\tme\tdo\tit. \u201cYou\t should\t have\t gone.\t I\t was\t covering\t for\t you.\t Now\t we\u2019ve\t lost.\u201d\t Another wave\tof\tnausea\tnearly\tknocks\tme\tover. \u201cSor-reeee,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays\tsarcastically.\tRob\tis\tapproaching,\tgun\tlowered.\tI\u2019m making\twhimpering\tnoises.\tThe\tpain\tis\tthrobbing\tin\tpoints\tall\tover\tme. \u201cSorry,\t Lucy.\t I\u2019m\t so\t sorry.\t I\t got\t a\t bit\t .\t .\t .\t excited.\t I\t play\t a\t lot\t of\t computer games.\u201d\tRob\ttakes\ta\tfew\tsteps\tback\twhen\the\tsees\tJoshua\u2019s\texpression. \u201cYou\u2019ve\t really\t hurt\t her,\u201d\t Joshua\t snaps\t at\t him,\t and\t I\t feel\t his\t hand\t cup\t my head.\t He\u2019s\t still\t pressing\t me\t against\t the\t tree,\t knee\t braced\t between\t mine,\t and when\tI\tlook\tto\tmy\tleft\tI\tsee\tMarion\twatching\tus\twith\ther\tbinoculars.\tShe\tdrops them\tand\twrites\tsomething\ton\ther\tclipboard,\ta\tgrin\tcurling\ther\tmouth. \u201cOff.\u201d\tI\tgive\thim\tan\talmighty\tshove.\tHis\tbody\tis\thuge\tand\theavy\tand\tI\u2019m\tso boiling\tI\twant\tto\trip\tmy\tsuit\toff\tand\tlie\tin\tcold\tpaint.\tWe\u2019re\tall\tpanting\ta\tlittle\tas","we\t walk\t back\t to\t the\t starting\t point\t under\t the\t balcony.\t I\u2019m\t limping\t and\t Joshua takes\tmy\tarm\tbrusquely,\tprobably\tto\tmove\tme\ton\tfaster.\tI\tsee\tHelene\tup\tahead, lowering\ther\tsunglasses.\tI\twave\tlike\ta\tsad\tcartoon\tkitten;\twomp,\twomp. Casualties\t abound.\t People\t groan\t as\t they\t press\t the\t painted\t parts\t of\t their bodies\t gingerly.\t Dozens\t of\t reenactments\t are\t taking\t place.\t I\t look\t down\t and realize\tmy\tfront\tis\talmost\tsolid\tpaint.\tJoshua\u2019s\tfront\thalf\tis\tfine,\tbut\this\tback\tis\ta mess.\tTrust\tus\tto\tbe\topposites. When\tI\tstrip\toff\tmy\tgloves\tand\thelmet,\tJoshua\tgives\tme\this\tclipboard\tand\ta bottle\tof\twater.\tI\traise\tit\tto\tmy\tlips\tand\tit\tseems\tto\tbe\tempty\tquickly.\tEverything feels\tweird.\tJoshua\tasks\tSergeant\tPaintball\tif\tthey\thave\tany\taspirin. Danny\t picks\t his\t way\t through\t our\t fallen\t comrades\t to\t join\t me.\t I\u2019m\t acutely aware\tof\thow\tdisgusting\tI\tmust\tlook.\tHe\tlooks\tat\tmy\tfront.\t\u201cOuch.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tseriously\tone\tbig\tbruise.\u201d \u201cDo\tI\tneed\tto\tavenge\tyou?\u201d \u201cSure,\tthat\u2019d\tbe\tgreat.\tRob\tfrom\tcorporate\tis\tthe\tdefinition\tof\ttrigger\thappy.\u201d \u201cConsider\t him\t taken\t care\t of.\t And\t what\t was\t that,\t Josh?\t You\t shot\t me\t in\t the leg\tand\tI\twas\tin\ta\tcompletely\tdifferent\tgame.\u201d \u201cSorry,\tI\tgot\tconfused,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays,\tinsincerity\tringing\tin\this\ttone. Danny\t shades\t his\t eyes\t and\t Joshua\t smirks\t up\t at\t the\t sky.\t Our\t colleagues stumble\tand\tflail,\tpaint\tslicked\tand\tin\tpain,\tunsure\tof\twhat\tto\tdo\tnext.\tThings\tare rapidly\t starting\t to\t disintegrate.\t I\t consult\t the\t clipboard.\t I\t see\t he\u2019s\t written\t me\t on his\t team\t for\t every\t rotation,\t probably\t at\t Helene\u2019s\t request.\t She\u2019d\t never\t know. She\u2019s\tdoing\ta\tSudoku\tpuzzle.\tI\tquickly\tuse\ta\tpencil\tand\tchange\tit\tbefore\tcalling out\tthe\tnext\tteams.\tPeople\tclump\ttogether,\tcomplaining. \u201cWait,\t they\u2019re\t getting\t the\t first-aid\t kit.\t You\u2019d\t better\t sit\t the\t rest\t of\t the afternoon\tout.\tSomething\u2019s\twrong\twith\tyou,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays.\tI\tglance\tup\tat\tHelene again,\t and\t then\t look\t at\t everyone\t around\t me.\t I\t could\t be\t in\t charge\t of\t this\t bunch soon.\t This\t afternoon\t is\t an\t audition,\t no\t doubt\t about\t it.\t I\u2019m\t not\t going\t to\t fail\t it now. \u201cYeah,\tyou\u2019ve\tbeen\ttelling\tme\tsince\tthe\tday\twe\tmet.\tEnjoy\tthe\trest\tof\tyour afternoon.\u201d\tI\twalk\toff\twithout\ta\tbackward\tglance\tinto\tmy\tnew\tteam. It\t feels\t like\t the\t longest\t afternoon\t of\t my\t life,\t but\t it\t also\t goes\t by\t in\t a\t flash. The\t feeling\t of\t being\t stalked\t and\t watched\t is\t unnerving,\t and\t in\t our\t small\t teams we\t do\t form\t instant\t bonds.\t I\t shove\t Quintus\t from\t accounts\t receivable\t into\t a bunker\tas\tpink\tpellets\train\tdown\tover\tus. \u201cGo!\tGo!\u201d\tI\troar\tlike\ta\tSWAT\tteam\tleader\tas\tBridget\tgoose\tsteps\tthrough\tto the\tflag,\tbursts\tof\tpaint\tclipping\tat\ther\theels.\tThe\textent\tof\thow\tsick\tI\tam\treveals","itself\t during\t my\t third\t rotation,\t after\t I\t snatched\t the\t flag.\t I\t knew\t it\t was\t deeply tragic\t of\t me\t to\t feel\t so\t triumphant,\t but\t honestly\t I\t felt\t as\t though\t I\u2019d\t scaled Everest.\t My\t teammates\t screamed,\t and\t big\t basketball-player\t Samantha\u2014a Bexley\u2014picked\t me\t up\t off\t the\t ground\t and\t swung\t me\t in\t a\t circle.\t I\t threw\t up\t a little\tin\tmy\tmouth. My\tarms\tshake\tfrom\tthe\tstrain\tof\tholding\tthe\tgun.\tEverything\tfeels\tslightly surreal,\t as\t if\t at\t any\t moment\t I\u2019ll\t awake\t from\t a\t bad\t afternoon\t nap.\t The\t sky overhead\tis\ta\tsilver-white\tdome. I\tlook\tat\tthe\tfaces\tsurrounding\tme,\tshining\twith\tsweat.\tI\tfeel\tsuch\ta\tkinship with\t these\t people.\t I\t watch\t a\t Gamin\t high-five\t a\t Bexley\t as\t they\t burst\t out laughing.\tWe\u2019re\tall\tin\tit\ttogether.\tMaybe\tJoshua\thad\ta\tgood\tidea\twith\tthis,\tafter all.\t Maybe\t the\t only\t way\t to\t truly\t unite\t people\t is\t through\t battle\t and\t pain. Confrontation\tand\tcompetition.\tMaybe\tsurviving\tsomething\tis\tthe\tpoint. Where\tis\tJoshua,\tanyway?\tI\tdon\u2019t\tsee\thim\tfor\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tafternoon\texcept for\t the\t team\t rotation\t breaks.\t With\t every\t person\t stalking\t through\t the\t trees\t my eyes\t would\t play\t tricks.\t I\u2019d\t see\t him\t kneeling\t down,\t reloading,\t and\t taking\t shots. I\u2019d\tsee\tthe\tshape\tof\this\tshoulders\tand\tthe\tcurve\tof\this\tspine.\tBut\tthen\tI\u2019d\tblink and\tit\twould\tbe\tsomeone\telse. I\u2019m\texpecting\tthat\tone\tfatal\tshot.\tA\tbig\tred\tsplat,\tstraight\tto\tthe\theart. \u201cWhere\u2019s\t Joshua?\u201d\t I\t ask\t the\t flag\t marshals\t and\t they\t shrug.\t \u201cWhere\u2019s Joshua?\u201d\t I\t ask\t everyone\t I\t pass.\t \u201cWhere\u2019s\t Joshua?\u201d\t The\t answers\t start\t to\t get clipped\tand\tirritated. I\ttug\tat\tmy\tpaintball\tsuit\tdespite\tthe\trhythmic\tpops\tand\tcracks\tof\tlive\tfire.\tI pull\t down\t the\t neckband\t ineffectually,\t baring\t half\t an\t inch\t of\t sweaty\t skin\t to\t the cold\tair.\tThen\tI\tthrow\tup.\tIt\u2019s\tnothing\tbut\twater\tand\ttea.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\tfeel\tlike\tlunch today.\t Or\t breakfast.\t I\t kick\t sand\t over\t it\t and\t wipe\t my\t mouth\t on\t the\t back\t of\t my hand.\tThe\tplanet\tis\tcircling\ttoo\tquickly\tso\tI\thold\ton\tto\ta\ttree. The\tair\tis\tbeginning\tto\tchill\tas\tthe\tfinal\thorn\tsounds\tand\twe\tall\ttrudge\tback to\tHQ.\tEveryone\tis\tvisibly\texhausted\tand\tthere\tis\ta\tgreat\tdeal\tof\tfuss\tas\twe\tstrip out\t of\t our\t suits.\t Everybody\t is\t complaining.\t Sergeant\t Paintball\t looks\t like\t he\u2019s evaluating\t his\t life\t choices.\t Joshua\t is\t standing\t with\t one\t hand\t on\t his\t hip\t and\t I instinctively\traise\tmy\tgun.\tIt\u2019s\ttime. Lucy\tversus\tJoshua,\ttotal\tannihilation. He\t walks\t over\t to\t me,\t completely\t unperturbed\t by\t my\t action-man\t pose\t and takes\tthe\tgun.\tI\tpull\tmy\thelmet\toff.\tHe\tsteps\tbehind\tme\tand\this\tfingers\tslide\tin the\tsweat\ton\tthe\tnape\tof\tmy\tneck.\tIt\u2019s\tlike\the\u2019s\ttouched\ta\tlive\twire\tand\tI\tmake\ta weird\tgurgle.\tHe\tgrips\tthe\tzipper\tof\tmy\tsuit\tand\tslashes\tit\tdown\tmy\tback.\tI\thop","around\tto\tget\tit\toff,\tbatting\taway\this\thands. \u201cYou\u2019re\tsick,\u201d\the\taccuses.\tI\tshrug\tnoncommittally\tand\tweave\tup\tthe\tstairs\tto where\tHelene\tand\tFat\tLittle\tDick\twait. \u201cLooks\t like\t some\t excellent\t teamwork\t went\t on,\u201d\t Helene\t says.\t We\t let\t out\t a weak\tcheer,\tpropping\teach\tother\tup.\tI\tlift\tthe\tedge\tof\tmy\tT-shirt.\tMy\tbruises\tare purple.\t The\t smell\t of\t coffee\t makes\t me\t feel\t ill.\t I\t make\t my\t way\t to\t the\t front. Joshua\u2019s\tbeen\trunning\tthis\tlittle\tshow\tfor\ttoo\tlong.\tI\tcan\tsalvage\tthis. \u201cCan\tI\tcall\tour\tfour\tflag\tmarshals\tto\tstand\tand\tdiscuss\tthe\tacts\tof\tteamwork and\tbravery\tthey\twitnessed?\u201d The\t flag\t marshals\t make\t their\t observations\t and\t I\t try\t to\t hold\t it\t together. Apparently,\tSuzie\tcaused\ta\tcommotion,\tallowing\ther\tteammate\tto\tslip\tup\tand\tget the\tflag. \u201cI\tgot\tfour\tshots\tfor\tthat,\u201d\tSuzie\tcalls,\tpatting\ther\thip\tand\twincing. \u201cBut\tyou\ttook\tthe\tshots\tfor\tyour\tteam,\u201d\tMr.\tBexley\tsays,\trousing\thimself\tout of\t his\t stupor,\t which\t I\t am\t beginning\t to\t suspect\t is\t caused\t by\t prescription\t drugs. \u201cGood\twork,\tyoung\tlady.\u201d \u201cAnd\tspeaking\tof\tbravery,\u201d\tMarion\tsays,\tand\tmy\tstomach\tsinks.\t\u201cLittle\tLucy here\tdid\tsomething\tquite\tremarkable.\u201d A\tcheer\tgoes\tup\tand\tI\twave\tit\taway.\tIf\tone\tmore\tperson\tcalls\tme\tlittle,\tsmall, or\tridiculously\tsmall\tI\tam\tgoing\tto\tkarate\tchop\tthem. \u201cShe\t took\t at\t least\t ten\t rounds\t for\t a\t colleague\t today,\t protecting\t him\t from someone\twho\twas\tgoing\ta\tlittle\toverboard.\tThat\tperson\tremains\tnameless.\u201d\tShe looks\t pointedly\t at\t Rob\t and\t he\t cowers\t lower\t to\t the\t ground\t like\t a\t guilty\t dog. Other\tpeople\tfrown\tat\thim. \u201cShe\u2019s\t standing\t in\t front\t of\t her\t colleague,\t arms\t outstretched,\t protecting\t him to\t the\t death!\u201d\t Marion\t mimes\t my\t actions,\t arms\t scarecrow\t straight,\t body\t jolting from\tthe\tshots.\tShe\u2019s\ta\tgood\tactress. \u201cAnd\tto\tmy\tsurprise,\tI\tsee\tit\u2019s\tnone\tother\tthan\tJosh\tTempleman\tthat\tLucy\tis protecting!\u201d A\t big\t laugh\t breaks\t out.\t People\t swap\t amused\t looks\t and\t two\t girls\t from\t HR elbow\teach\tother. \u201cBut\u2014but\tthen!\tHe\tswings\ther\taround\tto\tprotect\ther\tand\ttakes\tpaintballs\tin the\tback!\tProtecting\ther!\tIt\twas\tquite\tsomething.\u201d Another\tfun\tfact:\tMarion\treads\tromance\tnovels\tin\tthe\tkitchen\tat\tlunchtime.\tI catch\tJoshua\u2019s\teye,\tand\the\twipes\this\tforehead\troughly\ton\this\tforearm. \u201cIt\t seems\t paintball\t has\t brought\t us\t all\t together\t today,\u201d\t I\t manage\t to\t say\t and everyone\t claps.\t If\t this\t were\t a\t TV\t episode,\t we\u2019ve\t just\t reached\t the\t little\t moral","conclusion:\t Stop\t hating\t each\t other.\t Helene\t is\t pleased;\t her\t lips\t are\t pursed\t in\t a knowing\tsmile. The\t Day\t Off\t Prize\t is\t awarded\t to\t Suzie,\t and\t she\t accepts\t her\t little\t mock certificate\t with\t a\t deep\t bow.\t Deborah\t has\t taken\t some\t good\t action\t shots\t on\t her camera\tand\tI\task\ther\tto\temail\tthem\tto\tme\tfor\tthe\tstaff\tnewsletter. Helene\tcatches\tme\tby\tthe\telbow.\t\u201cRemember,\tI\u2019m\tnot\tin\ton\tMonday.\tI\u2019ll\tbe meditating\tunder\ta\ttree.\u201d Everyone\theads\tdown\tto\tthe\tbus,\tand\tI\u2019m\tgratified\tto\tsee\tit\u2019s\tnow\tharder\tto tell\t who\u2019s\t Gamin\t and\t who\u2019s\t Bexley.\t Everyone\t looks\t like\t a\t train\t wreck; bedraggled\t clothes\t and\t red,\t sweaty\t brows.\t Most\t of\t the\t women\t have\t panda\t eye makeup.\tDespite\tthe\tphysical\tdiscomfort,\tthere\u2019s\ta\tnew\tsense\tof\tcamaraderie. Helene\tand\tMr.\tBexley\tpeel\tout\tagain\tlike\tWacky\tRacers.\tA\tfew\tpeople\tare being\tpicked\tup\tby\tspouses,\tand\tthere\u2019s\ta\tconfusing\tswirl\tof\tcars\tand\tdust.\tThe bus\tdriver\tputs\tdown\ther\tnewspaper\tat\tour\tapproach\tand\tunlocks\tthe\tdoor. \u201cPlease\thold\ton\tfor\ta\tfew\tminutes,\u201d\tI\ttell\ther,\tand\tjog\tback\tinside.\tI\tmake\tit to\tthe\tbathroom\tand\tam\tviolently\tsick.\tBefore\tI\tcan\tfeel\tlike\tit\u2019s\tcompletely\tout of\tmy\tsystem\tthere\u2019s\ta\tsharp\trap\ton\tthe\tbathroom\tdoor.\tThere\u2019s\tonly\tone\tperson I\tknow\twho\tcould\tknock\tso\timpatiently,\tand\tput\tso\tmuch\tirritation\tinto\tit. \u201cGo\taway,\u201d\tI\ttell\thim. \u201cIt\u2019s\tJoshua.\u201d \u201cI\tknow.\u201d\tI\tflush\tagain. \u201cYou\u2019re\tsick.\tI\ttold\tyou.\u201d\tHe\tjiggles\tthe\tdoorknob\tlightly. \u201cI\u2019ll\tget\thome\tby\tmyself.\tGo\taway.\u201d There\u2019s\t a\t silence\t and\t I\t figure\t he\u2019s\t gone\t back\t to\t the\t bus.\t I\t throw\t up\t again. Flush\tagain.\tI\twash\tmy\thands,\tleaning\tmy\tlegs\tagainst\tthe\tsink\tuntil\tthe\tsplash- back\tsoaks\tinto\tmy\tjeans.\tElvis\tclings\tto\tme\tdamply. \u201cI\u2019m\tsick,\u201d\tI\tconfide\tto\tmy\treflection.\tI\u2019m\tfevered,\teyes\tglittering.\tI\u2019m\tblue and\tgray\tand\twhite.\tThe\tdoor\tis\tcreaked\topen,\tand\tI\tsquawk\tin\tfright. \u201cHoly\tshit.\u201d\tJoshua\u2019s\teyebrows\tpinch\ttogether.\t\u201cYou\tlook\tbad.\u201d I\tcan\tbarely\tfocus\tmy\teyes.\tThe\tfloor\tis\tspinning.\t\u201cI\tcan\u2019t\tmake\tit.\tThat\tbus trip.\tI\tcan\u2019t.\u201d \u201cI\tcould\tcall\tHelene.\tShe\tcould\tcome\tback,\tshe\tcouldn\u2019t\thave\tgotten\tfar.\u201d \u201cNo,\t no,\t I\u2019ll\t be\t okay.\t She\u2019s\t driving\t to\t a\t health\t retreat.\t I\t can\t take\t care\t of myself.\u201d\tHe\tleans\ton\tthe\tdoorframe,\this\tbrow\tcreased. I\t steel\t myself,\t cupping\t a\t little\t cold\t water\t in\t my\t hand\t and\t slosh\t it\t over\t the back\t of\t my\t neck.\t My\t hair\t has\t been\t unraveling\t from\t its\t bun\t and\t sticks\t to\t my neck.\tI\trinse\tmy\tmouth.\t\u201cOkay,\tI\u2019m\tall\tright.\u201d","As\twe\twalk\tback,\the\tpinches\tthe\tlittle\tjoint\tof\tmy\telbow\tbetween\ttwo\tfingers like\t a\t bag\t of\t garbage.\t I\t can\t feel\t the\t avid\t eyes\t watching\t us\t from\t the\t tinted\t bus windows.\tI\tthink\tof\tthe\ttwo\tgirls\tnudging\teach\tother\tand\tshake\thim\tloose. \u201cI\t could\t leave\t you\t here\t and\t drive\t back\t and\t get\t you,\t but\t it\t would\t take\t an hour,\tat\tleast.\u201d \u201cYou?\tCome\tback\tand\tget\tme?\tI\u2019d\tbe\there\tall\tnight.\u201d \u201cHey.\tDon\u2019t\ttalk\tlike\tthat\tanymore,\tall\tright?\u201d\tHe\u2019s\tannoyed. \u201cYeah,\tyeah,\tHR.\u201d\tI\twobble\tup\tonto\tthe\tbus. \u201cOh\tdear,\u201d\tMarion\tcalls\tloudly.\t\u201cLucy,\tyou\u2019re\tlooking\tawful.\u201d \u201cLucy!\u201d\tDanny\tcalls\tfrom\tthe\trear\tof\tthe\tbus.\t\u201cSaved\tyou\ta\tseat!\u201d\tHe\u2019s\tso\tfar back\t in\t the\t bus\t it\t telescopes\t claustrophobically.\t If\t I\t sit\t back\t there\t I\t will absolutely\t vomit\t on\t everyone.\t Sorry,\t I\t mouth\t at\t Danny\t and\t sit\t in\t the\t front\t seat and\tclose\tmy\teyes. Joshua\t presses\t the\t back\t of\t his\t hand\t to\t my\t damp\t forehead\t and\t I\t hiss.\t \u201cYour hand\tis\tcold.\u201d \u201cNo,\tyou\u2019re\tburning\tup.\tWe\tneed\tto\tget\tyou\tto\ta\tdoctor.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\talmost\tFriday\tnight.\tWhat\tare\tthe\tchances\tof\tthat\thappening?\tI\tneed\tto go\tto\tbed.\u201d The\t trip\t home\t is\t pretty\t bad.\t I\u2019m\t trapped\t in\t an\t endless,\t unmarked\t period\t of time.\tI\u2019m\ta\tbug\tin\ta\tjar\tbeing\tshaken\tby\ta\tkid.\tThe\tbus\tis\tswaying,\thot,\tairless, and\t I\t feel\t every\t bump\t and\t curve.\t I\t focus\t on\t my\t breathing\t and\t the\t feeling\t of Joshua\u2019s\tarm\tpressed\tagainst\tmine.\tAt\tone\tparticularly\tsharp\tcorner\the\tuses\this shoulder\tto\tsupport\tme\tupright\tin\tmy\tseat. \u201cWhy?\u201d\tI\task\tuselessly.\tI\tfeel\thim\tshrug. We\u2019re\tunloaded\tin\tfront\tof\tB&G.\tA\tfew\twomen\tcluster\taround\tme\tand\tI\ttry to\t understand\t what\t they\u2019re\t saying.\t Joshua\t is\t holding\t me\t by\t the\t scruff\t of\t my damp\tT-shirt\tand\ttells\tthem\tit\u2019s\tfine. He\thas\ta\tlively\tdebate\twith\tDanny,\twho\tkeeps\tasking\tme,\t\u201cAre\tyou\tsure?\u201d \u201cOf\tcourse\tshe\u2019s\tfucking\tsure,\u201d\tJoshua\tthunders.\tThen\twe\u2019re\talone. \u201cDid\tyou\tdrive?\u201d \u201cJerry\tneeds\tanother\tweekend.\tThe\tmechanic.\tI\u2019ll\tget\ta\tbus.\u201d He\tmoves\tme\tforward;\ta\theaving,\tsweating\tmarionette.\tMy\tmouth\ttastes\tlike acid.\tHis\tgrip\tdrops\tfrom\tmy\tneck\tto\tloop\ta\tfinger\tinto\tthe\tloop\ton\tthe\tback\tof my\tjeans,\tthe\tother\ton\tmy\telbow.\tI\tcan\tfeel\this\tknuckle\tpressing\tabove\tmy\tbutt crack\tand\tI\tlaugh\tout\tloud. The\tstairs\tto\tthe\tbasement\tparking\tlot\tare\tsteep\tand\tI\tbalk,\tbut\the\tpushes\tme on,\thands\ttightening.\tHe\tuses\this\tswipe\tcard\tto\tget\tus\tin\tand\tsteers\tme\tsteadily","toward\this\tblack\tcar.\tI\tcan\tsmell\tcar\tfumes\tand\toil.\tI\tcan\tsmell\teverything.\tI\tdry- retch\t behind\t a\t pole\t and\t he\t hesitantly\t lays\t a\t hand\t between\t my\t shoulder\t blades. He\trubs\tit\taround\ta\tlittle.\tI\tshudder\tthrough\tanother\tvolley\tof\tnausea. Joshua\tguides\tme\tto\tthe\tpassenger\tseat.\tHe\tslings\tthe\tbag\tI\u2019d\tforgotten\tabout into\tthe\tbackseat.\tHe\tidles\tthe\tcar\tand\tI\tglimpse\tmyself\tin\ta\tside\tmirror,\tmy\thead rolled\t to\t the\t side,\t a\t dark\t flush\t on\t my\t cheekbones,\t gleaming\t with\t sweat,\t my mascara\tsmudged. \u201cNow.\t Are\t you\t gonna\t be\t sick\t in\t the\t car,\t Shortcake?\u201d\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t sound impatient,\tor\tannoyed.\tHe\topens\tmy\twindow\ta\tfew\tinches. \u201cNo.\tMaybe.\tWell,\tpossibly.\u201d \u201cUse\t this\t if\t you\t need\t to,\u201d\t he\t tells\t me,\t handing\t me\t an\t empty\t takeout\t coffee cup.\tHe\tputs\tthe\tcar\tinto\treverse.\t\u201cTell\tme\twhere\tto\tgo,\tthen.\u201d \u201cGo\tto\thell.\u201d\tI\tstart\tlaughing\tagain. \u201cSo\tthat\u2019s\twhere\tyou\tcame\tfrom.\u201d \u201cShuddup.\tGo\tleft.\u201d\tI\tnavigate\thim\tto\tmy\tapartment\tbuilding.\tI\tkeep\tmy\teyes closed,\tand\tcount\tmy\tbreaths,\tand\tdo\tnot\tvomit.\tIt\tis\tquite\tan\tachievement. \u201cHere.\tOut\tfront\tis\tfine.\u201d He\tshakes\this\thead\tand\tin\tdefeat\tI\tdirect\thim\tto\tmy\tempty\tparking\tspace.\tHe has\tto\thelp\tme\tclimb\tout\tof\tthe\tcar\tand\tI\tsag\tagainst\thim.\tMy\tcheek\tmomentarily rests\ton\tsomething\tlike\this\tchest.\tMy\thand\tgrips\tsomething\tlike\this\twaist. He\thits\tthe\tbutton\tand\twe\tstand\tat\topposite\tsides\tof\tthe\televator\tcar,\tand\tthe Staring\tGame\tis\toverlaid\twith\thot,\tsweaty\tmemories\tof\tthe\tlast\ttime\twe\tdid\tthis together. \u201cYour\t eyes\t were\t like\t a\t serial\t killer\t that\t day.\u201d\t I\t must\t have\t vomited\t out\t my filter. \u201cSo\twere\tyours.\u201d \u201cI\tlike\tyour\tT-shirt.\tSo\tmuch.\tIt\u2019s\tmagnificent\ton\tyou.\u201d He\u2019s\tmystified\tas\the\tlooks\tdown\tat\thimself.\t\u201cIt\u2019s\tnothing\tspecial.\tI\t.\t.\t.\tlike yours\ttoo.\tIt\u2019s\tas\tbig\tas\ta\tdress.\u201d The\televator\tdoors\topens.\tI\tlurch\tout.\tUnfortunately,\the\tfollows. \u201cI\u2019m\t here,\u201d\t I\t lean\t on\t my\t door.\t He\t digs\t my\t keys\t from\t my\t bag\t and\t unlocks the\tdoor. I\u2019ve\t never\t seen\t anyone\t so\t desperate\t to\t be\t invited\t inside.\t His\t head\t pokes\t in farther.\tHis\thands\tare\thanging\ton\tto\tthe\tdoorframe\tlike\the\u2019s\tabout\tto\tfall\tin. \u201cIt\u2019s\tnot\twhat\tI\texpected.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tvery\t.\t.\t.\tcolorful.\u201d \u201cThank\t you,\t good-bye.\u201d\t I\t push\t into\t the\t kitchen\t and\t seize\t a\t glass.\t Then\t I drink\tstraight\tfrom\tthe\tfaucet.","\u201cI\t think\t we\t could\t find\t an\t after-hours\t clinic,\u201d\t Joshua\t says\t behind\t me,\t and takes\t the\t glass\t before\t I\t can\t drop\t it.\t He\t pushes\t my\t toaster\t straight\t against\t the wall\tand\tto\tfill\tin\tthe\tawkward\tsilence\the\tfolds\ta\tdishcloth.\tHis\tfingernail\tpicks at\ta\tcrumb\tglued\tto\tthe\tcountertop.\tOh\tman,\the\u2019s\tone\tof\tthose\tpeople\twho\tlove to\tclean.\tHe\twants\tto\troll\tup\this\tsleeves\tand\tbleach\tand\tscrub. \u201cIt\u2019s\tso\tmessy,\tisn\u2019t\tit?\u201d\tI\tpoint\tat\ta\tmug\twith\ta\tlipstick\tmark.\tHe\tlooks\tat\tit longingly\t and\t we\t simultaneously\t begin\t to\t try\t to\t get\t past\t each\t other\t in\t the\t tiny space. \u201cLet\tme\ttake\tyou\tto\ta\tdoctor.\u201d \u201cI\tneed\tto\tlie\tdown.\tThat\u2019s\tall.\u201d \u201cIs\tthere\tanyone\tyou\twant\tme\tto\tcall?\u201d \u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tneed\tanyone,\u201d\tI\tannounce\tproudly.\tI\thold\tmy\thand\tout\tfor\tmy\tkey. He\tholds\tit\tout\tof\treach.\tI\tdon\u2019t\tneed\tanyone\tto\tlook\tafter\tme.\tI\tcan\tget\tthrough this.\tI\u2019m\talone\tin\tthis\tworld. \u201cAlone\tin\tthis\tworld?\tSo\tdramatic.\tI\u2019ll\tgo\tto\tthe\tdrugstore\tand\tsee\twhat\tI\tcan get\tyou.\u201d \u201cSure,\tsure.\tHave\ta\tnice\tweekend.\u201d As\t the\t door\t snicks\t shut,\t I\t reconfirm\t that\t my\t apartment\t is\t a\t bit\t of\t a\t disaster zone,\tcluttered,\tand\tyes,\ta\tlittle\tcolorless.\tMy\tdad\tcalls\tit\tthe\tIgloo.\tI\thaven\u2019t\thad enough\t time\t yet\t to\t put\t my\t stamp\t on\t the\t place.\t I\u2019ve\t been\t too\t busy.\t The\t Smurf cabinet\t takes\t up\t a\t large\t part\t of\t the\t living\t room\t wall,\t dark\t without\t the\t special lights\tswitched\ton.\tThank\tgoodness\tJoshua\tleft. My\t bed\t looks\t like\t I\u2019ve\t been\t having\t disturbing,\t sexual\t dreams,\t which\t is accurate.\t The\t sheets\t are\t all\t rumpled\t and\t twisted,\t and\t on\t the\t side\t where\t a\t man should\t be\t is\t strewn\t with\t books.\t Lingerie\t straps\t and\t Smurf-patterned\t underwear peek\t out\t of\t drawers\t like\t lettuce\t from\t a\t burger.\t I\t take\t the\t copy\t of\t Joshua\u2019s planner\tfrom\tmy\tnightstand\tand\thide\tit. My\tshower\tis\twonderful,\ttorturous,\tendless.\tI\tturn\tit\tcold\tand\tfreeze.\tI\tturn\tit hot\tand\tburn\tinside\tmy\tskin.\tI\tdrink\tthe\tspray.\tI\tgoop\ta\tbig\tpile\tof\tshampoo\ton the\ttop\tof\tmy\thead\tand\tlet\tit\trinse\taway.\tAn\tindication\tI\tmust\tbe\tnear\tdeath\tis\tI can\u2019t\tbe\tbothered\tto\tcondition. My\t head\t spins\t with\t nonsensical\t images,\t and\t I\t lean\t against\t the\t tiles\t and remember\t what\t it\t was\t like\t to\t lean\t against\t a\t tree\t with\t Joshua\t Templeman shielding\tme\twith\this\tbody. In\t the\t privacy\t of\t my\t mind\t I\t can\t imagine\t whatever\t I\t want,\t and\t they\t aren\u2019t progressive,\ttwenty-first-century\tthoughts. They\u2019re\t depraved,\t brutal\t cavewoman\t thoughts.\t In\t my\t mind,\t he\u2019s\t electric","with\t the\t animal\t instinct\t to\t protect\t me,\t his\t heavy\t muscle\t braced\t over\t my\t body. He\tabsorbs\teach\timpact\tand\tit\tis\this\tprivilege.\tHe\u2019s\tinjected\tsharp\tand\thard\twith nature\u2019s\tsuperdrug,\ttestosterone. I\u2019m\t wrapped\t in\t him,\t safe\t from\t anything\t the\t world\t wants\t to\t throw\t at\t me. Anything\tpainful\tor\tcruel\twill\thave\tto\tget\tthrough\thim\tbefore\tit\thas\tany\tchance of\ttouching\tme.\tAnd\tit\twill\tnever\thappen. \u201cAlive?\u201d I\t scream\t when\t I\t realize\t that\t resonating\t voice\t isn\u2019t\t in\t my\t imagination\t and cling\tto\tthe\ttiles. \u201cDon\u2019t\tcome\tin!\u201d\t I\tdid\tclose\tthe\tdoor.\tThank\tyou,\tguardian\tangels.\tI\tcross my\tarms\tover\tall\tof\tmy\tX-rated\tzones. \u201cOf\tcourse\tI\twon\u2019t,\u201d\the\tsnaps. \u201cI\tam\tcompletely\tnaked.\tBruises\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tI\u2019m\ta\tMonet\twatercolor;\tpurple\twater lilies\tfloating\tin\tgreen.\tHe\tsays\tnothing. \u201cWell,\tgo\tout.\tInto\tthe\tliving\troom.\u201d My\tskin\thurts\twhen\tI\ttowel\tmyself.\tI\tcrack\tthe\tbathroom\tdoor\topen\tand\thear silence.\tI\tscurry\tout\tand\tfind\tunderwear,\ta\theinous\tbeige\tbra,\tshorts,\tand\tan\told crappy\t pajama\t top\t with\t a\t picture\t of\t a\t cute\t dinosaur\t on\t it,\t his\t drowsy\t eyes\t half closed.\tUnderneath\thim\treads:\tSLEEPYSAURUS. I\u2019m\tnaked\tand\tputting\ton\tclothes,\tseparated\tfrom\tJoshua\tby\tonly\tby\ta\twall.\tI love\t you,\t wall.\t What\t a\t good\t wall.\t I\t toss\t myself\t so\t hard\t into\t bed\t the\t mattress squeaks,\tand\tit\u2019s\tthe\tlast\tthing\tI\thear. I\tWAKE\tUP\tin\ta\tvolcano.\t\u201cNo!\tNo!\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t not\t poisoning\t you.\t Quit\t squirming.\u201d\t Joshua\u2019s\t hand\t is\t behind\t my\t neck as\the\tpresses\ttwo\tpills\tonto\tmy\ttongue.\tI\tswallow\twater\tand\tthen\the\tlowers\tme flat. \u201cMy\tmother\talways\tgave\tme\tlemonade.\tAnd\tshe\u2019d\tsit\twith\tme.\tWhenever\tI woke\tup,\tshe\u2019d\tstill\tbe\tthere.\tDid\tyours?\u201d\tI\tsound\tlike\tI\u2019m\tfive\tyears\told. \u201cMy\tparents\twere\ttoo\tbusy\ton\tshift\tlooking\tafter\tother\tsick\tpeople\tto\tdo\tthat stuff\tfor\tme.\u201d \u201cDoctors.\u201d \u201cYep,\texcept\tme.\u201d\tAn\tedge\tin\this\tvoice\tdenotes\ta\tsore\ttopic. I\t feel\t his\t hand\t on\t my\t forehead,\t fingers\t light\t and\t stiff.\t \u201cLet\u2019s\t do\t a temperature\tcheck.\u201d \u201cI\t feel\t so\t fucking\t stupid.\u201d\t My\t voice\t is\t garbled\t due\t to\t the\t thermometer\t he\u2019s put\t into\t my\t mouth.\t He\t must\t have\t bought\t it,\t because\t I\t don\u2019t\t own\t one.\t I\u2019m","currently\t inside\t a\t moment\t destined\t to\t become\t the\t most\t cringe-worthy\t memory of\tmy\tlife. \u201cYou\u2019ll\tnever\tlet\tme\tlive\tthis\tdown.\u201d\tThat\u2019s\twhat\tI\ttry\tto\tsay.\tThanks\tto\tthe thermometer\tit\tcomes\tout\tlike\tI\u2019ve\tgot\ta\thead\tinjury. \u201cSure\tI\twill.\tDon\u2019t\tchew\tthe\tthermometer,\u201d\the\treplies\tquietly,\ttaking\tit\tout\tof my\tmouth. \u201cWe\tdon\u2019t\twant\tyou\tto\tget\tover\tone\thundred\tfour.\u201d\tIn\tthe\tlow\tevening\tlight, his\teyes\tare\tdarkened\tnavy\tas\the\tassesses\tme\talmost\tclinically,\tbefore\tsmoothing his\t hand\t over\t my\t forehead\t again,\t softly,\t not\t checking\t my\t temperature.\t My pillow\tis\tadjusted\ta\tlittle.\tHis\teyes\tare\tnot\tthe\tman\tI\tknow. \u201cOkay.\tPlease\tstay\tfor\ta\tminute.\tBut\tyou\tcan\tleave\tif\tyou\twant.\u201d \u201cLucy,\tI\u2019ll\tstay.\u201d When\t I\t eventually\t dream,\t it\u2019s\t about\t Joshua\t sitting\t on\t the\t edge\t of\t my mattress,\twatching\tme\tsleep.","Chapter\t10 I\u2019m\t vomiting.\t Joshua\t Templeman\t is\t holding\t a\t large\t Tupperware\t container under\tmy\tface\u2014the\tone\tI\tusually\tcarry\tcakes\tto\twork\tin.\tI\tcan\tsmell\tthe\tsweet- plastic\t residue\t of\t icing\t and\t eggs.\t I\t throw\t up\t more.\t His\t wrist\t is\t holding\t up\t my limp\thead,\tmy\thair\tgathered\tin\this\tfist. \u201cThis\tis\tso\tdisgusting,\u201d\tI\tgroan\tin\tbetween\theaves.\t\u201cI\u2019m\tso\u2014I\u2019m\tso\u2014\u201d \u201cShh,\u201d\t he\t replies\t and\t I\t fall\t asleep,\t shuddering\t and\t gasping,\t while\t he\t wipes my\tface\twith\tsomething\tcold\tand\tdamp. The\tclock\tsays\t1:08\tA.M.\twhen\tI\tsit\tupright\tagain.\tA\twet\tcompress\tfalls\tinto my\tlap.\tI\tjerk\tin\tfright\tat\tthe\tweight\ton\tthe\tbed\tnext\tto\tme. \u201cIt\u2019s\tme,\u201d\tJoshua\tsays.\tHe\u2019s\tsitting\tagainst\tmy\theadboard\twith\this\tthumb\tin a\tSmurf\tprice\tguidebook.\tHe\u2019s\tgot\tno\tshoes\ton\tand\this\tsocked\tfeet\tare\tcasually crossed\tat\tthe\tankles.\tThe\tother\tbooks\thave\tbeen\tstacked\tneatly\ton\tmy\tdresser. \u201cI\u2019m\tso\tcold,\u201d\tI\tchatter.\tI\tput\tmy\thand\tinto\tmy\thair;\tit\u2019s\tstill\tdamp\tfrom\tmy shower.\tHe\tshakes\this\thead.\t\u201cYou\thave\ta\tfever.\tIt\u2019s\tgetting\tworse.\u201d \u201cNo,\tcold,\u201d\tI\targue.\tI\tstumble\tinto\tthe\tbathroom,\tleaving\tthe\tdoor\tajar.\tI\tpee, flush,\t and\t then\t realize\t how\t unladylike\t I\t was.\t Oh,\t well.\t He\u2019s\t seen\t and\t heard almost\t everything\t now.\t There\u2019s\t nothing\t left\t to\t do\t but\t fake\t my\t own\t death\t and start\ta\tnew\tlife. I\tuse\tmy\tfinger\tto\trub\tsome\ttoothpaste\ton\tmy\ttongue.\tGag.\tRepeat. I\t hear\t cotton\t unfurling,\t the\t snap\t of\t elastic,\t and\t the\t creak\t of\t mattress,\t and through\t the\t crack\t in\t the\t door\t I\t watch\t him\t put\t fresh\t sheets\t on\t the\t bed.\t I\u2019m\t a soggy,\tdisgusting\tmess,\tbut\tI\tstill\tmanage\tto\twatch\this\tbent-over\tbackside. \u201cHow\t You\t Doing?\u201d\t He\t looks\t at\t me\t under\t his\t arm\t and\t hauls\t the\t last\t corner of\tthe\tsheet\tinto\tplace.\tMy\tlucky\tmattress\tis\tbeing\tmanhandled. \u201cOh,\t just\t fine.\t How\t You\t Doing?\u201d\t I\t fall\t into\t bed,\t and\t claw\t the\t blankets\t up onto\t me.\t The\t mattress\t depresses\t heavily\t beside\t me\t and\t his\t hand\t is\t on\t my forehead. \u201cAh,\tthat\u2019s\tnice.\u201d His\t hand\t feels\t like\t the\t sort\t of\t temperature\t I\t should\t be\t striving\t for.","Everything\t we\t do\t is\t tit\t for\t tat,\t so\t I\t raise\t my\t hands\t up\t and\t put\t them\t on\t his forehead. \u201cOkay.\u201d\tHe\tis\tamused. I\u2019m\ttouching\tmy\tcolleague\tJoshua\ton\tthe\tface.\tI\u2019m\tdreaming.\tI\u2019ll\twake\tup\ton the\tbus\twith\thim\tsneering\tat\tthe\ttrail\tof\tdrool\ton\tmy\tchin.\tBut\ta\tminute\tticks\tby, and\tI\tdon\u2019t. I\tslide\tmy\thands\tdown,\tover\tsandpaper\tgrit\ton\this\tjaw,\tremembering\thow\the cradled\t my\t face\t in\t the\t elevator.\t No\t one\t has\t ever\t held\t me\t like\t that.\t I\t open\t my eyes\tand\tI\tcould\tswear\the\tshivers.\tI\ttouch\this\tpulse.\tIt\ttouches\tme\tback. I\t have\t my\t hands\t on\t his\t throat\t now,\t and\t I\t remember\t how\t badly\t I\t wanted\t to strangle\t him\t once.\t I\t spread\t my\t hands\t lightly\t around\t his\t neck,\t just\t to\t check\t the fit,\tand\the\tnarrows\tone\teye. \u201cGo\tahead,\u201d\the\ttells\tme.\t\u201cDo\tit.\u201d His\t throat\t is\t way\t too\t big\t for\t my\t tiny\t hands.\t I\t feel\t a\t tension\t shimmering through\thim,\ta\ttightening\tin\this\tbody.\tThere\u2019s\ta\tsound\tin\this\tthroat. I\u2019m\t hurting\t him.\t Maybe\t I\u2019m\t strangling\t him\t to\t death\t right\t now.\t Color\t is sweeping\t up\t his\t neck.\t When\t he\t pins\t me\t with\t his\t eyes,\t I\t know\t something\u2019s coming.\tI\tam\tnot\tprepared\twhen\tit\thappens. The\tworld\texplodes\tapart\tas\the\tbegins\tto\tlaugh. He\u2019s\tthe\tsame\tperson\tI\tstare\tat\tevery\tweekday\tbut\tlit\tup.\tHe\u2019s\tplugged\tinto the\t mains\t and\t electric.\t Humor\t and\t light\t radiate\t from\t him,\t making\t his\t colors glow\t like\t stained\t glass.\t Brown,\t gold,\t blue,\t white.\t It\u2019s\t a\t crime\t I\u2019ve\t never\t seen these\tsmile\tlines\tbefore.\tHis\tmouth\tis\tin\tan\teasy\tcurve,\tperfect\tteeth\tand\ta\tfaint dimple\tbracketing\teach\tcorner. Each\tlaugh\tgusts\tfrom\thim\tin\ta\thusky,\tbreathless\trush,\tsomething\the\tcan\tno longer\thold\tin,\tand\tit\u2019s\tas\taddictive\tto\tme\tas\tthe\ttaste\tof\this\tmouth\tor\tthe\tsmell of\this\tskin.\tHis\tamazing\tlaugh\tis\tsomething\tI\tneed\tnow. If\t I\u2019d\t ever\t thought\t he\t was\t good-looking\t before,\t in\t passing\t or\t noticed\t in irritation,\tI\tnever\tknew\tthe\tfull\tstory.\tWhen\tJosh\tsmiles,\the\tis\tblinding.\tMy\theart is\t pounding\t and\t I\t frantically\t catalog\t this\t moment\t in\t the\t half-light.\t It\u2019s\t the\t only one\tI\u2019ll\tget,\twhile\tdelirious\twith\tfever. If\t only\t I\t could\t hold\t on\t to\t this\t moment.\t I\t already\t feel\t the\t sadness\t that\t will hollow\tme\tout\twhen\tit\tends.\tI\twant\tto\ttell\thim,\tDon\u2019t\tleave\tyet.\tMy\tfingers\tmust be\t flexing,\t because\t he\t laughs\t until\t the\t mattress\t is\t shaking\t beneath\t us.\t A diamond\twet\tsparkle\tof\tlight\tin\tthe\tcorner\tof\this\teye\tis\ta\tbullet\tto\tmy\theart.\tI\u2019ll be\t able\t to\t replay\t this\t beautiful,\t impossible\t moment\t in\t my\t memory\t when\t I\u2019m\t a hundred\tyears\told.","\u201cGo\t ahead,\t kill\t me,\t Shortcake,\u201d\t he\t gasps,\t wiping\t his\t eye\t with\t his\t hand. \u201cYou\tknow\tyou\twant\tto.\u201d \u201cSo\t bad,\u201d\t I\t tell\t him,\t like\t he\t once\t told\t me.\t I\u2019ve\t got\t a\t tightening\t in\t my\t own throat\tand\tI\tcan\tbarely\tget\tthe\twords\tout.\t\u201cSo\tbad,\tyou\thave\tno\tidea.\u201d MY\t PAJAMAS\t ARE\t soaked\t with\t sweat\t when\t I\t jolt\t awake\t and\t there\t is\t a\t third person\tin\tmy\tbedroom.\tA\tman\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tseen\tbefore.\tI\tbegin\tscreaming\tlike\tan injured\tmonkey. \u201cCalm\t down,\u201d\t Josh\t says\t into\t my\t ear.\t I\t scramble\t into\t his\t lap\t and\t press\t my face\tinto\this\tcollar\tbone,\thuffing\this\tcedar\tscent\tso\thard\tI\tprobably\tsuck\tout\this ghost.\tI\u2019m\tabout\tto\tbe\ttaken\tto\ta\tscary\tmedical\tfacility,\taway\tfrom\tthe\tsafety\tof my\tbed\tand\tthese\tarms. \u201cDon\u2019t\tlet\tthem,\tJosh!\tI\u2019ll\tget\tbetter!\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\ta\tdoctor,\tLucy.\tHow\tlong\tand\twhat\tsymptoms?\u201d\tThe\tman\tputs\ton\tsome gloves. \u201cShe\t wasn\u2019t\t one\t hundred\t percent\t this\t morning.\t High\t color,\t distracted,\t and she\tgot\tworse\tthroughout\tthe\tday.\tVisibly\tsweaty\tsince\tlunchtime,\tand\tshe\tdidn\u2019t eat.\tVomiting\tat\tfive\tP.M.\u201d \u201cAnd\tthen?\u201d\tThe\tdoctor\tcontinues\tto\tselect\tthings\tfrom\this\tcase,\tlining\tthem on\tthe\tend\tof\tmy\tbed.\tI\twatch\tsuspiciously. \u201cDelirious\tby\teight.\tTrying\tto\tstrangle\tme\twith\ther\tbare\thands\tby\tone\tthirty. Burning\t up\t closer\t to\t one\t hundred\t four,\t and\t now\t she\u2019s\t one\t hundred\t five\t point six.\u201d I\t squeeze\t my\t eyes\t shut\t when\t the\t unfamiliar\t rubber\t hands\t feel\t the\t glands\t in my\t throat.\t Josh\t rubs\t my\t arms\t soothingly.\t I\u2019m\t sitting\t between\t his\t thighs\t now, feeling\t his\t solid\t weight\t behind\t my\t shoulder\t blades.\t My\t own\t human\t armchair. The\t doctor\t presses\t his\t fingertips\t into\t my\t abdomen\t and\t I\t make\t crying\t sounds. My\ttop\tis\tpeeled\tup\ta\tfew\tinches. \u201cWhat\t in\t the\t hell\t happened\t here?\u201d\t They\t both\t simultaneously\t let\t out\t a sympathetic\thiss\tof\tbreath. \u201cWe\thad\ta\tpaintball\tday\tat\twork.\tEven\tmy\tback\tisn\u2019t\tas\tbad\tas\tthis.\u201d\tJosh\u2019s fingers\tstroke\tthe\tskin\tand\tI\tsweat\teven\tmore.\t\u201cPoor\tShortcake,\u201d\the\tsays\tin\tmy ear.\tThere\u2019s\tno\tsarcasm. \u201cHave\tyou\teaten\tout\tat\tany\trestaurants?\u201d I\twrack\tmy\tbrains.\t\u201cThai\ttakeout\tfor\tdinner.\tNot\ttoday.\tYesterday\tmaybe.\u201d When\tthe\tman\tfrowns\tit\u2019s\tso\tfamiliar.\t\u201cFood\tpoisoning\tis\ta\tpossibility.\u201d \u201cCould\tbe\ta\tvirus,\u201d\tJosh\targues.\t\u201cThe\ttime\tframe\tis\ta\tlittle\tlong.\u201d","\u201cIf\tyou\u2019re\tso\tcapable\tof\tdiagnosing\ther,\twhy\teven\tcall\tme?\u201d They\tbegin\tbickering\tabout\tmy\tsymptoms.\tTo\tmy\tears,\tthey\tsound\tlike\tguys talking\t about\t sports,\t and\t the\t city\u2019s\t current\t viruses\t are\t the\t teams.\t I\t watch\t them through\tslitted\teyes.\tI\tdidn\u2019t\teven\tknow\tdoctors\twould\tdo\thouse\tcalls,\tespecially at\t two\t thirty-nine\t in\t the\t morning.\t He\u2019s\t midthirties,\t tall,\t dark\t haired,\t blue\t eyed. He\u2019s\tclearly\tthrown\ta\tjacket\tover\this\tpajamas. \u201cYou\u2019re\tgood-looking,\u201d\tI\ttell\tthe\tdoctor.\tMy\tlost\tfilter\tshould\tbe\ta\tsecondary diagnosis. \u201cWow,\t she\t must\t really\t be\t delirious,\u201d\t Josh\t says\t acridly,\t wrapping\t his\t arm across\tmy\tcollarbones.\tThe\tsqueeze\trenders\tme\timmobile. \u201cFunny,\the\u2019s\tusually\tcalled\tthe\tgood-looking\tone.\u201d\tThe\tdoctor\tsays\tit\twryly as\the\tsearches\tin\ta\tkit\tbag\tat\tthe\tfoot\tof\tthe\tbed.\t\u201cOh,\tcalm\tdown,\tJosh.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re\this\tBROTHER,\u201d\tI\tsay\tin\tchildlike\twonder\twhen\tthe\trusted\tcogs\tin my\tbrain\tclunk\tinto\tplace.\t\u201cI\tthought\the\twas\tan\texperiment\tgone\twrong.\u201d They\tlook\tat\teach\tother\tand\tJosh\u2019s\tbrother\tlaughs.\t\u201cShe\u2019s\tso\tcute.\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s\t .\t .\t .\u201d\t I\t feel\t Josh\t shake\t his\t head.\t He\t adjusts\t me\t a\t little\t against\t his chest,\tand\tmy\tfevered\tbrain\tinterprets\tit\tas\ta\tsnuggle. \u201cI\u2019m\tpathetic.\tHe\ttells\tme\tconstantly.\tWhat\u2019s\tyour\tname?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tPatrick.\u201d \u201cPatrick\tTempleman.\tHoly\tshit.\tYou\u2019re\tthe\tactual\tDr.\tTempleman.\u201d I\u2019m\t still\t sitting\t in\t Josh\u2019s\t lap,\t my\t head\t in\t the\t curve\t of\t his\t neck,\t probably covering\thim\tin\tsweat.\tI\ttry\tto\tstruggle\toff\tbut\tI\u2019m\theld\ttight. \u201cI\tam\tindeed\tDr.\tTempleman.\tOne\tof\tthem,\tanyway.\u201d\tThe\tamusement\tfades from\this\tface\tand\the\tcoughs\tand\tbegins\tto\tturn\taway.\tI\tcatch\this\tsleeve\tto\ttry\tto see\thow\tmuch\tof\tJosh\tis\tin\this\tfeatures.\tHe\tstills\tobediently,\tbut\this\teyes\tflick\tto Josh,\twho\tis\ttense\tas\ta\tbrick\twall\tbehind\tme. \u201cSorry,\t yes.\t Josh\t is\t better\t looking.\u201d\t There\u2019s\t a\t pause\t before\t both\t brothers laugh.\tPatrick\tisn\u2019t\tremotely\toffended\tand\tJosh\u2019s\tarm\trelaxes. \u201cCan\tyou\ttell\tme\tembarrassing\tthings\tabout\thim?\u201d \u201cWhen\t you\u2019re\t feeling\t better,\t you\t bet.\t Keep\t her\t fluids\t up,\t Josh.\t She\u2019s\t small enough\tthat\tshe\u2019ll\tdehydrate.\u201d \u201cI\tknow.\u201d\tTogether\tthey\tcoax\tme\tto\tswallow\ta\tsour\tmedicine.\tI\tam\tlaid\tflat against\t the\t bed\t and\t the\t two\t leave\t the\t room,\t shutting\t the\t door,\t but\t their\t voices still\treach\tme. \u201cYou\twould\thave\tbeen\tgood\tat\tthis,\u201d\tPatrick\tsays,\trattling\tin\this\tmedical\tkit. \u201cYou\u2019ve\tdone\tall\tthe\tright\tthings\tfor\ther.\u201d\tJosh\tsighs\theavily.\tI\u2019m\tsure\the\u2019s\tjust crossed\this\tarms.","\u201cDon\u2019t\t get\t defensive.\t So,\t next\t hard\t topic.\t Were\t you\t going\t to\t give\t me\t an RSVP?\tEver?\u201d \u201cI\twas\tgoing\tto.\u201d\tHe\u2019s\tlying. \u201cWell,\t you\t can\t give\t me\t one\t now.\t And\t don\u2019t\t pretend\t you\t don\u2019t\t know\t the date;\tI\tknow\tfor\ta\tfact\tMom\tgave\tyou\tthe\tinvite\tin\tperson.\tWe\tdidn\u2019t\twant\tit\tto go\t\u2018missing\u2019\tlike\tthe\tengagement\tparty\tinvite.\u201d\tJosh,\tyou\tlittle\tweasel. Patrick\tis\tthinking\tthe\tsame\tthing.\t\u201cRSVP\tright\tnow.\tMindy\tneeds\tto\tknow. For\tsuch\tminor\tdetails\tas\tcatering.\tSeating.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\tbusy\tat\tthe\tmoment,\u201d\tJosh\ttries,\tbut\tPatrick\tcuts\thim\toff. \u201cImagine\thow\tit\u2019ll\tlook\tif\tyou\tdon\u2019t\tturn\tup.\u201d Josh\tsays\tnothing\tand\tPatrick\tperseveres.\t\u201cI\tknow\tit\u2019s\tgoing\tto\tbe\thard.\u201d \u201cYou\texpect\tme\tto\twalk\tin\tthere\tlike\tnothing\thappened?\u201d Patrick\tis\tconfused.\t\u201cBut\tyou\u2019d\tbring\tLucy,\twouldn\u2019t\tyou?\u201d I\tponder\tthis\tin\tthe\tdark.\tWhy\ton\tearth\twould\tit\tbe\thard\tfor\tJoshua\tto\tattend his\town\tbrother\u2019s\twedding? \u201cShe\u2019s\t not\t my\t girlfriend.\t We\t work\t together.\u201d\t Josh\t sounds\t irritated.\t I\t wish that\tdidn\u2019t\tgive\tme\tsuch\ta\tpunch\tin\tthe\tgut,\tbut\tit\tdoes. \u201cYou\tcould\thave\tfooled\tme.\u201d \u201cYeah,\twell,\tshe\u2019s\tmore\ton\tthe\tmarket\tfor\ta\tnice\tguy.\tAren\u2019t\tthey\tall.\u201d There\u2019s\ta\tloaded\tsilence.\t\u201cHow\tmany\tmore\ttimes\tdo\tI\thave\tto\tsay\u2014\u201d \u201cNo\t more\t times.\u201d\t Josh\t is\t the\t king\t of\t shutting\t down\t a\t conversation.\t There\u2019s more\tsilence.\tI\tcan\talmost\thear\tthem\tboth\tlooking\tat\tmy\tbedroom\tdoor. Patrick\u2019s\t voice\t is\t lowered\t now\t and\t I\t can\u2019t\t hear\t anything\t except\t huffy arguing.\t Hating\t myself\t desperately,\t I\t climb\t silently\t out\t of\t bed,\t careful\t to\t keep my\tfeet\tin\tthe\tshadows.\tI\u2019m\ta\tdisgusting\tlittle\tsnoop. \u201cI\u2019m\tasking\tyou\tto\tcome\tto\tmy\twedding\tand\tmake\tyour\tmother\thappy.\tMake me\t happy.\t Mindy\t is\t stressed\t as\t hell\t thinking\t there\u2019s\t some\t sort\t of\t family\t feud happening.\u201d Josh\tsighs,\theavy\tand\tdefeated.\t\u201cFine.\u201d \u201cSo,\t that\u2019s\t a\t yes?\t Yes,\t please,\t Patrick,\t I\u2019d\t love\t to\t come\t to\t your\t wedding?\t I accept\tyour\tgracious\tinvitation?\u201d \u201cYes.\tThat.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll\tmark\tyou\tdown\twith\ta\tplus\tone.\tIf\tshe\tsurvives\tthe\tnight.\u201d I\tgrip\tthe\twall\tin\thorror\tuntil\tI\thear\tJosh\tsay\tsarcastically,\t\u201cHa-ha.\u201d IT\u2019S\tNOW\tSOME\ttime\tbefore\tdawn\tand\tmy\troom\tis\tice\tblue.\tI\u2019m\tpropped\tinto a\t sitting\t position,\t gulping\t messily\t what\t I\t realize\t is\t lemonade.\t Did\t he\t go\t to\t the","convenience\t store\t across\t the\t road?\t The\t sweet-sour\t taste\t of\t childhood\t nostalgia and\thomesickness\tmakes\tme\talmost\tchoke. He\ttakes\tthe\tglass\tand\teases\tme\tback\tdown\tagainst\tthe\tpillows\twith\this\tarm behind\t my\t shoulders.\t His\t touch\t was\t uncertain\t yesterday,\t but\t now\t he\t smoothes his\t palms\t and\t fingertips\t across\t me\t with\t no\t hesitation.\t He\t looks\t wrecked\t with tiredness. \u201cJosh.\u201d His\teyes\tflicker\twith\tsurprise.\t\u201cLucy.\u201d \u201cLucinda,\u201d\tI\twhisper\tarchly.\tHe\tturns\taway\tto\tsmile,\tbut\tI\tcatch\this\tsleeve. \u201cDon\u2019t.\tI\u2019ve\talready\tseen\tit.\u201d\tI\u2019m\tnever\tgetting\tover\this\tsmile. \u201cOkay.\u201d\tI\tcan\ttell\the\u2019s\tconfused.\tHe\u2019s\tnot\tthe\tonly\tone.\tI\u2019ve\tbeen\tstaring\tat Joshua\tfor\tso\tlong,\the\u2019s\tbecome\ta\tcolor\tspectrum\tunto\thimself.\tHe\u2019s\tmy\tdays\tof the\tweek.\tThe\tsquares\ton\tmy\tcalendar. \u201cWhite,\t off-white\t stripes,\t cream,\t non-gender-specific\t yellow,\t disgusting mustard,\tbaby-blue,\trobin\u2019s-egg,\tdove-gray,\tnavy,\tblack.\u201d\tI\ttick\tthem\toff\ton\tmy fingers. Josh\tis\talarmed.\t\u201cYou\u2019re\tstill\tdelirious.\u201d \u201cNope.\t Those\t are\t the\t shirt\t colors\t you\t have.\t Hugo\t Boss.\t Haven\u2019t\t you\t ever been\tto\tTarget?\u201d \u201cWhat\tthe\thell\tis\tthe\tdifference\tbetween\twhite\tand\toff-white?\u201d \u201cEcru.\tEggshell.\tThey\u2019re\tdifferent.\tThere\twas\tone\tsingle\ttime\tyou\tsurprised me.\u201d \u201cAnd\twhen\twas\tthat?\u201d\tHe\tasks\tthe\tquestion\tas\tindulgently\tas\ta\tbabysitter.\tI kick\tmy\theel\tin\ttemper\tagainst\tthe\tmattress. Why\t aren\u2019t\t I\t draped\t in\t a\t black\t negligee\t at\t least?\t I\t have\t never\t been\t this unattractive.\t I\u2019m\t wearing\t SLEEPYSAURUS.\t I\t look\t down.\t I\u2019m\t wearing\t a\t red tank\ttop.\tHoly\tshit.\tHe\tchanged\tme. \u201cThe\t elevator,\u201d\t I\t blurt.\t I\t want\t to\t reroute\t this\t moment,\t back\t to\t a\t time\t I\t was halfway\tattractive.\t\u201cYou\tsurprised\tme\tthen.\u201d He\tlooks\tat\tme\tcarefully.\t\u201cWhat\tdid\tyou\tthink?\u201d \u201cI\tthought\tyou\twere\ttrying\tto\thurt\tme.\u201d \u201cOh,\t great.\u201d\t He\t sits\t back,\t embarrassed.\t \u201cClearly\t my\t technique\t is\t a\t little rusty.\u201d I\t snatch\t his\t sleeve\t with\t superhuman\t strength\t and\t sit\t up\t a\t little.\t \u201cBut\t then\t I realized\twhat\tyou\twere\tdoing.\tKissing.\tOf\tcourse.\tI\thaven\u2019t\tkissed\tin\tages.\u201d He\tfrowns.\t\u201cOh,\treally.\u201d\tHe\tstares\tdown\tat\tme. I\telaborate\tso\tforcefully\tmy\tvoice\tshakes.\t\u201cIt\twas\thot.\u201d","\u201cI\tnever\theard\tfrom\tHR\tor\tthe\tcops,\tso\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tHe\ttrails\toff,\tlooking\tat\tmy\tlips. I\u2019m\ttwisting\tmy\thands\tinto\this\tT-shirt.\tIt\tstretches\taround\tmy\tfists.\tIt\u2019s\tso\tsoft,\tI want\tto\twrap\tmy\tentire\tbody\tin\tit. \u201cIs\tmy\tbed\teverything\tyou\timagined?\u201d \u201cI\twasn\u2019t\texpecting\tso\tmany\tbooks.\tAnd\tit\u2019s\ta\tlittle\tbigger\tthan\tI\tpictured.\u201d \u201cWhat\tabout\tmy\tapartment?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\ta\ttiny\tlittle\tpigsty.\u201d\tHe\u2019s\tnot\tbeing\tmean\tabout\tit.\tIt\u2019s\ttrue. \u201cDo\tyou\tthink\tMr.\tBexley\tand\tHelene\tmake\tout\tin\tthe\televator?\u201d\tAs\tlong\tas he\tkeeps\tanswering\tmy\tquestions,\tI\u2019ll\tkeep\tasking\tthem. \u201cGuaranteed.\t I\u2019m\t sure\t they\t have\t vicious\t hate-sex\t after\t each\t quarterly review.\u201d\t His\t eyes\t are\t tipping\t into\t black\t and\t he\t unravels\t his\t T-shirt\t from\t my hands\tas\tI\tcatch\ta\tglimpse\tof\thalf\tan\tinch\tof\tstomach\u2014hard\tand\thair.\tNow\tI\u2019m sweating\tmore. \u201cI\tbet\twhen\tyou\tshower,\twater\tpools\tright\tup\t.\t.\t.\there.\u201d\tI\tput\tmy\tfinger\tinto his\t collarbone.\t \u201cI\u2019m\t thirsty.\t I\u2019ll\t dehydrate.\u201d\t He\t lets\t out\t a\t breath\t and\t it\t blows right\tthrough\tme. \u201cLet\u2019s\tbe\tjust\tlike\tthem\twhen\twe\tgrow\tup,\tJosh.\tWe\tcould\tstart\ta\tnew\tgame. Imagine.\tWe\tcould\tplay\tgames\tforever.\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s\ttalk\tabout\tit\twhen\tyou\u2019re\tnot\tcrazy\twith\tfever.\u201d \u201cYeah,\t right.\t When\t I\u2019m\t not\t sick\t you\u2019ll\t hate\t me\t again,\t but\t for\t now\t we\u2019re good.\u201d\tI\ttake\this\thand\tand\tput\tit\ton\tmy\tforehead\tto\thide\tmy\tsudden\tdespair. \u201cI\twon\u2019t,\u201d\the\ttells\tme.\tHe\tsmoothes\this\thand\taway,\tover\tmy\thair. \u201cYou\thate\tme\tso\tmuch,\tand\tI\tcan\u2019t\ttake\tit\tmuch\tlonger.\u201d\tI\u2019m\tpathetic.\tI\thear it\tin\tmy\tvoice. \u201cShortcake.\u201d \u201cStop\t calling\t me\t Shortcake.\u201d\t I\t try\t to\t roll\t onto\t my\t side\t but\t he\t presses\t the heels\tof\this\tpalms\tlightly\tagainst\tmy\tshoulders.\tI\tstop\tbreathing. \u201cWatching\tyou\tpretend\tto\thate\tthat\tnickname\tis\tthe\tbest\tpart\tof\tmy\tday.\u201d When\t I\t don\u2019t\t reply,\t he\t almost\t smiles\t and\t releases\t me.\t \u201cIt\u2019s\t time\t to\t tell\t me about\tthe\tstrawberry\tfarm.\u201d It\u2019s\ta\tsore\tpoint\u2014and\tit\u2019s\talso\tnot\tthe\tfirst\ttime\the\u2019s\tasked.\tI\tmight\tbe\tabout to\tgive\thim\tfodder\tto\ttease\tme\twith\tfor\ta\tlong\ttime. \u201cWhy?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve\t always\t wanted\t to\t know.\t Tell\t me\t everything\t about\t strawberries.\u201d\t His soft,\tcajoling\twhisper\twill\tbe\tthe\tdeath\tof\tme. In\tmy\tmind\tI\u2019m\talmost\tback\tthere,\tunder\tthe\t big\tcanvas\tumbrella\twith\tthe torn\t corner,\t talking\t to\t tourists\t while\t their\t kids\t run\t on\t ahead,\t buckets\t clanking.","The\talien\thum\tof\tcicadas\tfill\tthe\tair.\tThere\u2019s\tnever\tsilence. \u201cWell.\tAlpines\tare\talso\tcalled\t\u2018Mignonette,\u2019\tand\tthey\tgrow\twild\tin\tFrance\ton the\t hillsides\t and\t they\u2019re\t as\t big\t as\t your\t thumbnail.\t They\t have\t amazing\t flavor intensity\tfor\ttheir\tsize.\u201d \u201cTell\tme\tanother.\u201d I\t open\t my\t eyes\t to\t slits.\t \u201cStrawberries\t are\t not\t a\t joke.\t I\u2019ve\t gotten\t shit\t from almost\teveryone\tI\u2019ve\tever\tmet\tabout\tit.\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s\tsuch\ta\tcute\tthing\tabout\tyou.\u201d The\t word\t cute\t lights\t up\t like\t neon\t in\t my\t dim\t bedroom\t and\t I\u2019m\t so\t rattled\t I begin\tbabbling. \u201cFine.\t Okay,\t Earliglows.\t They\t grow\t so\t quickly.\t One\t day\t you\u2019re\t walking along\tat\tsunset\tnext\tto\tnothing\tbut\tgreen\t.\t.\t.\tthe\tnext\tmorning\tthey\u2019re\tall\tthere. Little\tred\tbuds,\tgetting\tbrighter.\tBy\tdinnertime\tthey\u2019re\tdone,\tlike\tred\tChristmas lights.\u201d When\t Josh\t sighs,\t his\t eyes\t close\t for\t a\t second.\t He\u2019s\t exhausted.\t \u201cWhich\t are your\tfavorites?\u201d \u201cRed\t Gauntlets.\t They\t were\t in\t the\t rows\t closest\t to\t the\t kitchen\t and\t I\t was\t too lazy\tto\tgo\tmuch\tfarther.\tI\thad\ta\tbig\tpink\tsmoothie\tevery\tmorning.\u201d He\t sits\t in\t silence,\t and\t his\t eyes\t are\t definitely\t not\t the\t man\t I\t know.\t They\u2019re wistful,\tlonely,\tand\tso\tbeautiful\tI\thave\tto\tclose\tmine. \u201cI\tswear,\tI\tcan\tstill\tfeel\tthe\tseeds\tbetween\tmy\tteeth.\tChandlers\tare\tmy\tdad\u2019s favorite.\tHe\tsays\the\tpaid\tfor\tmy\tcollege\ttuition\twith\tthem.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s\tyour\tdad\tlike?\tHe\u2019s\tNigel,\tright?\u201d \u201cYou\tand\tthat\tblog.\tHe\tworked\tso\thard\tto\tsend\tme\tto\tschool.\tI\tcan\u2019t\tbegin\tto tell\tyou.\tHe\tcried\ton\tthe\tback\tporch\tthe\tday\tI\tleft\tfor\tcollege.\tHe\tsaid\t.\t.\t.\u201d I\ttrail\toff.\tThe\tsqueeze\tin\tmy\tthroat\tmakes\tit\timpossible\tto\tgo\ton. \u201cWhat\tdid\the\tsay?\u201d I\tsidestep.\t\u201cI\thaven\u2019t\tthought\tabout\tthis\tfor\tso\tlong.\tI\thaven\u2019t\tbeen\thome\tin eighteen\tmonths\tnow.\tI\tmissed\tChristmas,\tbecause\tHelene\twent\tback\tto\tFrance to\tsee\ther\tfamily,\tand\tI\twanted\tto\tcover\tfor\ther.\u201d \u201cI\tdidn\u2019t\tgo\thome\teither.\u201d \u201cOh,\t yeah.\t My\t parents\t mailed\t me\t a\t big\t care\t package,\t and\t I\t ate\t shortbread and\topened\tpresents\ton\tthe\tfloor\tof\tmy\tliving\troom\twatching\tinfomercials.\tWhat did\tyou\tdo?\u201d \u201cPretty\tmuch\tthe\tsame.\tWhat\tdid\the\tsay\tto\tyou,\tthen?\tYour\tdad,\ton\tthe\tback porch?\u201d\tHe\u2019s\ta\tdog\twith\ta\tbone. I\tcan\u2019t\trelay\tthat\tentire\tconversation;\tI\u2019ll\tstart\tcrying.\tI\tmight\tnever\tstop.\tMy","dad,\t his\t elbows\t on\t knees,\t the\t tears\t making\t clean\t lines\t down\t his\t tanned,\t dusty face.\tI\tabbreviate\tthe\tconversation\tinto\ta\tsanitized\tnutshell. \u201cThat\t his\t loss\t was\t the\t world\u2019s\t gain.\t And\t my\t mom,\t she\t couldn\u2019t\t stop bragging,\t telling\t everyone\t about\t her\t daughter\t going\t off\t to\t college\t .\t .\t .\t She\u2019s making\ta\tnew\tvariety\tof\tstrawberry,\tand\tthey\u2019re\tall\tcalled\tLucies.\u201d \u201cAccording\tto\tthe\tblog,\tLucy\tTwelve\twas\tquite\tgood.\tTell\tme\tmore.\u201d \u201cI\t don\u2019t\t understand\t your\t fascination\t with\t that\t blog.\t Mom\t was\t a\t newspaper writer,\tbut\tshe\thad\tto\tgive\tit\tall\tup.\u201d \u201cFor\twhat?\u201d \u201cFor\t my\t dad.\t She\t was\t doing\t a\t piece\t on\t the\t effects\t of\t some\t heavy\t rain\t on agriculture,\tso\tshe\twent\tout\tto\ta\tlocal\torchard.\tShe\tfound\tmy\tdad\tin\ta\ttree.\tHis dream\twas\tto\town\ta\tstrawberry\tfarm,\tand\the\tcouldn\u2019t\tdo\tit\talone.\u201d \u201cDo\tyou\tthink\tshe\tmade\tthe\twrong\tdecision?\u201d \u201cDad\talways\tsays,\tShe\tpicked\tme.\tLike\tan\tapple,\tright\tout\tof\tthe\ttree.\tI\tlove them,\tbut\tI\tthink\tit\u2019s\ta\tsad\tstory\tsometimes.\u201d \u201cYou\t could\t ask\t her\t sometime.\t She\t probably\t doesn\u2019t\t regret\t a\t thing.\t They\u2019re still\ttogether,\tand\tit\tmeans\tyou\u2019re\there.\u201d \u201cDad\tcalls\tyou\tother\tnames\tstarting\twith\tJ,\tbut\tnever\tyour\treal\tname.\u201d \u201cWhat?\u201d\tHe\tlooks\talarmed.\t\u201cYou\u2019ve\ttold\tyour\tdad\tabout\tme?\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s\tmad\tat\tyou\tfor\tbeing\tso\tmean.\tJulian\tand\tJasper\tand\tJohn.\tOne\ttime, he\t called\t you\t Jebediah\t and\t I\t nearly\t peed\t myself.\t You\u2019d\t have\t to\t grovel\t to\t my dad,\tthat\u2019s\tfor\tsure.\u201d Josh\tlooks\tso\tdisturbed\tI\tdecide\tto\tcut\thim\ta\tbreak\tand\tchange\tthe\tsubject. \u201cWhen\t I\u2019m\t homesick\t I\t can\t smell\t warm\t strawberries.\t Which\t is\t pretty\t much all\t the\t time.\u201d\t I\t watch\t him\t scrambling\t to\t try\t to\t unscramble\t these\t nonsensical statements. \u201cDid\tyou\tplay\tout\tthere\tin\tthe\tfields?\tWhen\tyou\twere\ta\tkid?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve\t seen\t the\t blog\t picture.\t It\u2019s\t pretty\t clear\t I\t did.\u201d\t I\t turn\t my\t face\t away. Me,\t knees\t stained\t pink\t from\t berry\t juice,\t tangled\t mane\t of\t hair,\t eyes\t bluer\t than the\tsky.\tWild\tlittle\tfarm\tgirl. \u201cDon\u2019t\t be\t embarrassed.\u201d\t He\t gently\t puts\t his\t fingertips\t on\t my\t jaw\t and\t turns me\t back.\t \u201cYou\t in\t your\t little\t overall\t shorts.\t You\t look\t like\t you\u2019ve\t been\t outside for\tdays.\tAll\tdirty\tand\twild.\tYour\tsmile\thasn\u2019t\tchanged.\u201d \u201cYou\tnever\tsee\tmy\tsmile.\u201d \u201cI\tbet\tyou\thad\ta\ttree\thouse.\u201d \u201cI\tdid,\tactually.\tI\tpractically\tlived\tup\tthere.\u201d His\teyes\tare\tbright\twith\tan\texpression\tI\u2019ve\tnever\tseen.\tI\tclose\tmy\teyes\tfor\ta","second\t to\t rest\t them.\t He\t checks\t my\t temperature\t and\t when\t his\t hand\t lifts\t away from\tmy\tforehead\tI\tcomplain.\tHe\ttouches\tmy\thand. \u201cI\u2019ve\tnever\tthought\twhere\tyou\tcome\tfrom\tis\tinferior.\u201d \u201cOh,\tsure.\tHa-ha.\tStrawberry\tShortcake.\u201d \u201cI\t think\t where\t you\t came\t from\u2014Sky\t Diamond\t Strawberries\u2014is\t the\t best place\t I\t can\t imagine.\t I\u2019ve\t always\t wanted\t to\t go\t there.\t I\u2019ve\t Google\t mapped directions.\tI\u2019ve\teven\tlooked\tup\tthe\tflight\tand\thire\tcar.\u201d \u201cDo\tyou\tlike\tstrawberries?\u201d\tI\tdon\u2019t\tknow\twhat\telse\tto\tsay. \u201cI\t love\t strawberries.\t So\t much,\t you\t have\t no\t idea.\u201d\t He\t sounds\t so\t kind\t that\t I feel\ta\twave\tof\temotion.\tI\tcan\u2019t\topen\tmy\teyes.\tHe\u2019ll\tsee\tI\thave\ttears\tin\tthem. \u201cWell,\t it\u2019s\t out\t there,\t waiting\t for\t you.\t Pay\t the\t lady\t under\t the\t umbrella\t and take\ta\tbucket.\tMention\tme\tfor\ta\tdiscount,\tbut\tyou\u2019ll\tget\tan\tinterrogation\ton\thow I\u2019m\t doing.\t How\t I\u2019m\t really\t doing.\t If\t I\u2019m\t lonely,\t if\t I\u2019m\t eating\t properly.\t Why\t I won\u2019t\ttake\tthe\ttime\tto\tcome\thome.\u201d I\t think\t of\t the\t job\t applications,\t side\t by\t side\t in\t a\t beige\t folder.\t A\t wave\t of exhaustion\t and\t dizziness\t hits\t me.\t I\t want\t to\t be\t asleep,\t that\t lovely\t dark\t place where\tthese\tanxieties\tand\tsadness\tcan\u2019t\tfollow\tme.\tI\tstart\tto\tfeel\tlike\tI\u2019m\tslowly spinning. \u201cWhat\tshould\tI\ttell\ther?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m\t so\t scared.\t It\u2019s\t all\t going\t to\t end\t soon,\t one\t way\t or\t another.\t I\u2019m\t hanging on\tby\tmy\tfingernails.\tI\thave\tno\tidea\tif\ttheir\tinvestment\tin\tme\twill\tever\tpay\toff. And\t I\u2019m\t so\t lonely\t sometimes\t I\t could\t cry.\t I\t lost\t my\t best\t friend.\t I\t spend\t all\t my time\t with\t a\t huge\t frightening\t man\t who\t wants\t to\t kill\t me,\t and\t he\u2019s\t probably\t my only\tfriend\tnow,\teven\tthough\the\tdoesn\u2019t\twant\tto\tbe.\tAnd\tit\tbreaks\tmy\theart.\u201d His\t mouth\t presses\t on\t my\t cheek.\t A\t kiss.\t A\t miracle.\t Josh\u2019s\t warm\t breath, fanning\t my\t cheek.\t His\t fingertips\t slide\t into\t my\t palms,\t and\t my\t fingers\t curl\t into his. \u201cShortcake.\tNo.\u201d I\u2019m\ttwirling\tthrough\tendless\tloops,\tand\tI\ttighten\tmy\tgrip\ton\this\thands. \u201cI\u2019m\tso\tdizzy\t.\t.\t.\u201d\tI\tam,\tbut\tI\talso\tneed\tthis\tconversation\tto\tend. \u201cI\t need\t to\t ask\t you\t something.\u201d\t Sometime\t later,\t his\t voice\t cuts\t through\t the hazy\tdarkness. \u201cIt\u2019s\tnot\tfair\tto\task\tnow,\tbut\tI\twill.\tIf\tI\tcould\tthink\tof\ta\tway\tto\tget\tus\tout\tof this\tmess,\twould\tyou\twant\tme\tto\tdo\tit?\u201d I\u2019m\tstill\tholding\ton\tto\thim\tlike\the\u2019s\tthe\tonly\tthing\tstopping\tme\tfrom\tfalling off\tthe\tplanet.\t\u201cLike\thow?\u201d \u201cHowever\tI\tcould.\tWould\tyou\twant\tme\tto?\u201d\tIf\the\twould\tbe\tmy\tfriend\tfor\tthe","days\t left,\t it\t would\t be\t enough.\t It\t would\t be\t wonderful\t enough\t to\t burn\t away\t the negativity. That\tsmile\twould\tbe\tenough. \u201cThis\tis\tthe\tpart\tof\tthe\tdream\twhere\tyou\tsmile,\tJosh.\u201d He\t sighs,\t frustrated.\t He\t holds\t me\t still,\t and\t as\t I\t orbit\t away\t into\t sleep,\t I whisper\tit\tthrough\tthe\tfog\tof\tsleep. \u201cOf\tcourse\tI\twould.\u201d"]
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