My Entire Life is an Inquiry...but I Know Yours is Too

my box of memories I’m interested in the works made by my previous pro- fessors or just by the risd gd community in gener- al. Ramon, Paul, Nancy, Aki, Kelsey, Keetra, Lucy, as well as all of my classmates, some of whom are in this class like Corinne, Amanda, & Jordan. A lot of stuff from the RISD quarantine reading list. -Agency & Urgency: The Medium and its Message, Lorraine Wild -Speculative Everything, Design, Fiction, & Social Dreaming -Naive Set Theory, Paul Halmos -Elements of Middle Class White Dominant Culture -Counter Narratives for Graphic Design History Also rewatched the whole first three seasons of Spongebob, a lot of AOC interviews, and listening to a lot of indie music Languages, stream of consciousness writing, music production, photography are all I can think of oh and studying abroad...RIP écal fall 2020 I was a monitor at the Typeshop for the past 2 years and have grown really close to all of the equip- ment—wiro-ing, perfect binding, poster printing, and troubleshooting w/ classmates. So now is a partic- ularly difficult time for me in not having as much hands-on access as before. My work is very process and research based. I’ll of- ten be unsatisfied with it until I do more research and explore every direction possible. Knowing this, 151

welcome to I’m going to try to work more intuitively and not second guess myself as much to the point where I end up loosing a lot of “making” time to overthinking. But I do appreciate having a combination of both long term projects that you can really refine & think about, as well as shorter, more intuitive projects with a simple goal. I did find there to be a disconnect in DS3 last se- mester when classes began with a whole group of peo- ple, but our crits were one on ones, small groups, and eventually that, but on zoom. It would have been nice to have at least one or two full class crits— even if it means a few hours on zooms with breaks ofc—because by the end of it, I had no idea what some of my classmates were doing. And I think its important to learn from your classmates where you can. Sept 11 You don’t need substances to “enhance your inspira- tion” if you already feel the inspiration. You just have to get there the same way that caffeine won't do the focusing for you Xoxo Sept 11 I don’t like how everything has rounded corners in iOS. It makes everything feel like rubber. Sept 10 152

my box of memories An Analysis of my home After renting my house out for the past 2 years my relationship to it has greatly changed. I’ve both become nostalgic and triggered by this space. It is so charged because it is where I spent my whole life for 17 years and visited during my first year of col- lege. It went from being MY space that I felt safe and comfortable in—to being a space in which I did not feel welcome, under a microscope, and could not even exist without causing some sort of drama. It forced me to stay other places when I visited home which was extremely difficult because despite being home and returning to this alternate universe encap- sulating a past life, a past world, I had to simul- taneously experience it and exist in it so far away from my roots, my home, my cats, completely altering this relationship to home sickness. It is interesting how my relationship to homesickness evolved. I was extremely homesick freshman year and going back home felt so good. But then once we started renting the house out, my homesickness, before fad- ing away, became even stronger as I dealt not only with the loss of my hometown but the loss of my home. And each year, as new people moved in, we made more and more adjustments to transition the space into being occupied by one person to another and 153

welcome to slowly removed any trace of our domestic settlement. Okay I could go on, but I have so much proofreading to do so I’ll just keep going. Good icebreaker idea: Zoom room tour! Or Zoom show & tell. Sept 5 I am looking at my list of contacts and friends feeling as though I have a responsibility to text one of them, When I really just wanna be alone for a little. I’m actually really tired and stressed and just want to relax a little. I’m gonna floss, shower, etc and go to bed Goodnight Sept 4 It’s so weird coming back here lol First of all it’s hot as hell The house is semi-lived in It’s a big transition for me considering where I was earlier today I just wish it wasn’t 12 am Anyway It’s funny finding all of these clothes and things It’s like when I was home it felt like I took a part of myself to Providence, but now that relationship has reversed. 154

my box of memories It feels now like I really have a very strong life developed in Providence. And that this summer I took little bits of my life there with me to New Orleans. Sept 3 Chris: I was very shocked to see you passed out on the couch last night with literally every single light on. This is unfair to Pierre. I know your job is exhausting but you live with a roommate now and you need to respect the common space. And also my cat has been too scared to even go in the kitchen for like 4 days so I have to feed her in the back now. If you know you’re going to be working late please try to keep it in your room. It’s so weird The concept of leaving That hits you like a wave This just reminds me that my creativity comes out under intense pressure I begin to think and see the world differently when I’m forced to leave a place 155

welcome to I’m like really sad right now It’s been a really wild summer Leaving is spelled out to be a single task sort of thing It is seen as the journey itself The plane ride The traveling The arrival But I keep saying this, leaving is a process that takes days even weeks. That ultimately reaches a breaking point Anticipation is actually a really powerful thing. It really changes your life when you know something is coming. You create standards and expectations and timelines. And I just think about the determination I’ve had this summer to every single day for the past 3 months to wake up and tell myself I needed to work towards these long term goals and projects like cleaning the house. Cleaning the house can mean anything from throwing trash away to reorganizing the thousands of objects But I’ve been doing it every single day OMG CHRIS S FRIEND JUST WALKED INTO MY ROOM AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO RELAX WHILE WRITING THIS UHHH I was just starting to chill out Cleaning my dads room 156

my box of memories Anyway, doing all of these things through the common goal that was this concept “I am leaving”. That builds all of this weight Not only for the house, But for the cats. They know They feel this thing And I notice it every year. I don’t know if its them that notice it or if its just me projecting Leaving is a physical thing It feels like an object Ok *** important passage on leaving a place. Could connect to my texts about traveling to & from paris You know I am glad to say that for once the feeling that I have before leaving home is not stress—but it is just a lot of gratitude I’m not worried about packing anymore I don’t really care that much what clothes I bring, Clothes aren’t permanent I have stuff up there too, that I’m going to find I’m just really focused on spending time with my loved ones And it’s wild for me to realize honestly in these last few hours here that I really do have a very strong system of people and places that rely on me and that I am responsible for maintaining. I realize this every time. My cats—they love me. They need me. They really re- 157

welcome to ally need to be pet a certain way or to be rubbed on their belly or their chins or else they will be ner- vous wrecks. It seems like the only thing that calms them down is food and good pets. My tenants—I come home for a bit just to drop things off and Pierre will not shut up. I don’t really ini- tiate the conversation, he just says thing after thing after thing. As if he had been waiting for me to come home so that he could talk to me about all these things. As if he really appreciates me as a French speaking guy. He’s so sweet honestly. Michael who when he talks to me only talks about how much he is going to miss me. When he knows I have cats, tenants, family, friends that will miss me too… He knows me really well. Sept 1 Do another project similar to “my camera is like an invisibility cloak” Focus on overlaps between photography and writing! Trigger warning...entering summer. Emotional period. ↑SEPTEMBER 2020↑ 158

my box of memories August 31 Je ne retrouve plus mes pantalons bleu. OH LA LA !!!! Très grande journée de travail aujo- urd’hui... qui a commencé en faite hier soir pour nous deux jusqu’à ce matin. Je suis très fatigué. Le deuxième étage est finit à peu près. Les deux chambres et le landing sont bien propre et organ- isés. J’ai descendu toute les boites et je les ai mises dans ma chambre en bas. Il y a encore les salles de bains à dégager. Le salon ça va à peu près il y a encore une ou deux boîtes, et ton bureaux est encore couvert de choses. La cuisine il faut aussi ranger. Je vais mettre l’alcool qui reste à l’abris, dans ma chambre. La chambre de Pierre il y a aussi quelques affaires—j’ai des habits dans le meuble blanc, mais le placard est vide. Donc les salles de bains, le bureaux d’en bas, la cuisine, le meuble blanc. Et puis c’est tout. Chris veut absolument venir le plus vite possible mais je lui ai dit qu’il fallait attendre. Ils vi- ennent tout les deux dans l’après midi et la maison n’est pas du tout prête. Cynthia passe avant pour récupérer ces clefs. C’est dur de gérer tout ça maman. J’ai l’impression que tu m’a laissé avec un boulot énorme et impossi- ble à faire tout seul. J’essaye depuis des semaines 159

welcome to d’attaquer mais ça n’a jamais assez avancer. Il fal- lait qu’on se prépare plus en avance. La prochaine fois je m’occupe que de mes affaires. August 29 You must take care of yourself and your life It could end at any moment --- Our little kitties are sensi- tive to their surroundings, And unfortunately they understand very well what a big suitcase thumping its way onto the porch in the middle of the night means. Until next time, is what it means. I legit swear to god Last days in town are literally the most chaotic times ever The devil from hell 160

my box of memories It seems as though all of the forces in the universe come together to make your life impossible. I didn’t think I would get impacted by this this much And it honestly makes me more sad to spend time with my cats right now because I know I’ll miss them so much First thing today we saw Tasha Then we had the plane ticket scare Then Pierre just shows up and stays for like 2 hours Then after that she goes up for a bit Then I go to Michaels Come back Talk to Missy Then my mom comes home and gets stuck talking to missy for a long time Then cats Then as soon as she comes back in the house Michael has to say bye And I basically kicked him out cuz I was like listen it’s been a long day Listening to my mom tell him “tu travailles bien?” He needs to practice and gain confidence Then as soon as she steps foot outside Chris is there u gotta take care of that bitch now too And there’s David coming over 161

welcome to There’s the painter coming over EVERYONE’S COMING TO THIS HOUSE I’m SICK OF IT ALL And now it’ll be 10 o’clock, she can’t find her cred- it card, she can’t find her phone, she’s tired, she’s losing her mind. I want her to go to bed. Aug 26 Tbh it’s like not even anything personal it’s just I feel like I can’t be the guy he wants me to be I’m too analytical I’m too in my head Aug 26 In the same way that COVID has opened my eyes to the abnormality of photos of large gatherings and au- tomatically thinking to myself, wait, are they so- cially distancing? My eyes have also opened to the abnormality of photos of only white bodies and au- tomatically thinking to myself, wait, why are these ppl all white? Why they all look the same? Where’s the diversity? Aug 25 DRASTICALLY simplifying my portfolio It seems like right now all of the writing is for me. Not for an employer Like it’s nice but...like too many photos Horizon viewfinders should kinda just be like the first thing you see 162

my box of memories Process is cool but maybe I should reduce it I honestly thing I should just start a cargo site Aug 24 I have literally not written in so long I used to write paragraph after paragraph But I wanna take some time at home first Like maybe after dinner It’s not even 4 slay I honestly feel really good right now I have been waking up at 10 and I think that works well for me Aug 23 [email protected] About to get on the flight after getting g my scarf ready and the dude reading my ticket said something rude to me basically saying I’d have to go through the line again and pay a really big fine and I was like I can’t afford that and basically was like no to him and finessed my way into getting on the flight before finding liv and telling her I had some tea and I told her I didn’t pay for my ticket or something and she starts saying really loudly I lied I lied about my passport lmao she called me out and then the plane started to takeoff 163

welcome to ————****personal note from present me narra- tor•••———— It is interesting, this process for me is getting kind of difficult. I was comfortable with the present / more recent notes but as it gets further and further into the past, into things that have changed, into differ- ent circumstances that are really out of my control, this process of re-living is quite ...traumatic? Or difficult. Or just unpleasant. Because before I was merely copy & pasting text. Now I’m reading it and beginning to be more selective with that I chose. Which is fine, but I think part of me is asking my- self what text I’m comfortable with “sharing” even though i don’t really want this document to be pub- lic yet. I want it to be for me. SO now I’m feeling like this is kind of unfair to my past self because I am literally “curating” out things that present me doesn’t agree with or deem worthy of documentation. Now I know, I’m not always right, I’m not always fascinating. But still. I feel like this project re- ally is about how we craft the stories of our lives. Because thinking about this collection of 900 notes to be my entire life story, the process of bring- ing that entire life story into a single document IS BIAS and IS SELECTIVE AND EXCLUSIONARY AND REDACT- ING UPON THE PERSON I ONCE WAS, PERHAPS IN ORDER FOR GROWTH TO OCCUR. Let’s resume. 164

my box of memories Aug 20 I agree that routines are nice, but I also want to feel like I’m doing something different every week. I wanna grow, I wanna change, I wanna switch things up you know. And u don’t even need money to do this I literally try to spend nothing ever and just sur- vive off of what I already own. I don’t need new clothes, I don’t need new electronics, etc, etc. you can change the structure of your life by who u talk to your furniture arrangement the places you go your sleep schedule when your awake what you read and what you do. I thought of this now as I feel like my room is dif- ferent since I’ve cleaned it i moved the bed over and put the nice table here instead of the foldy thing and made some more room and organized the desk it just feels cleaner nicer and more spacious and I feel like I can sleep better I also feel better knowing I vacuumed my bedroom and cleaned all that. I feel better having painted this bedroom and making it as nice as it is now. I feel better having painted the front door and having found renters for the house. 165

welcome to Aug 18 I miss my past and I’m sick of trying to recreate it I just want it to be. I just feel like sometimes we get so carried away in the polarization of politics that we forget to contextualize things within our own lives. We ig- nore and take for granted the things we should be so so grateful for. That’s not to say I don’t have my opinions (I don’t believe anyone should be living in indigence, scarcity, and am against this idea of misfortune being the fault of the individual. Be- sides the point. Aug 12 I think it’s kinda very telling the impact that covid has had on our society You would think that the human population, Having endured famines, wars, explosions, and natu- ral disasters, That we would have an emergency system to be imple- mented as soon as an outbreak like this occurred. Perhaps this political system needs to change I think there needs to be several systems. Education needs to be like…a mandatory thing. So you educate people. So that they can be smarter and make informed decisions. And bring those good decisions back into the economy. Then, you have a system that represents people. Peo- ple that are now smarter and therefore their repre- sentatives aren’t going to be dumb and partisan and all this. 166

my box of memories I think you need a system with immense power NOT due to politics and pseudo science, NOT due to having a lot of money, but as a global force that makes decisions for the greater good of the planet and humanity. Because humanity should be the most treasured and important thing to us because we are a bunch of lit- tle tiny humans soaring through the vast unknown and we hold the potential of extreme knowledge and en- lightenment if we simply invested more in science, astronomy, NASA, space exploration, and sustainable energy As AOC mentioned, you can get into political debates but her politics are heavily guided by MORALS. No person should be too poor to live, like its simply ridiculous. Totally taking humanity for granted. 167

welcome to The way we treat the earth infrastructurally is unsus- tainable So is technology We are constantly running out of storage and being forced to spend more money on things that will ulti- mately happen again And millennials feel this every day We cannot take photos every day because even the photos you take come at a price. So it is up to designers to figure out alternative ways to organize our lives Because in the same way as a capitalistic society is unsustainable so is taking photos every day and we have to come up with other ways What if this system grows and adapts as you do? In the same way that i went from using my iPhone as a way to make sense of my life but then went on to making the map of everywhere We become less concerned with documenting every moment as we mature, realize that that’s like impossible So how do our platforms accommodate for maturity? How do we categorize the things in our lives The people The objects in our house Our clothes The houses within our neighborhoods How do we make sense of things 168

my box of memories Because the ways in which we do these The answers to these questions Is what is going to shape our perspective of the en- tire universe ● Experimenting with the Everyday AUG 8 I am not ready to start looking back on this year yet. Instead of already starting to look back on memories and starting to feel nostalgic and sad about leav- ing, MAKE EVEN MORE MEMORIES!!! See I realized today that lately I haven’t been en- joying my time here as much I guess just because I haven’t cleaned my room in a while and I’ve been trying to take care of other things But all of that went away as soon as I cleaned my room and moved my desk and stayed in all day instead of going out like this is my first sober night in a really long time Which also means hopefully first good nights sleep in a really long time — 169

welcome to The word is unfulfilled *****AUG 7****** Make a year book Black cover 2020 DP List each month and give each month a title. Mix media Photos and text Simple, bold, anecdotal January: NYC, wintersession February: mom visit, new semester March: covid, quarantine April: living alone in providence May: still living alone Hot summer June: remodeling room Tasha ?? French quarter Seeing friends Blue hair Anette July: thinking a lot Toothache Reading Ogden internship August: LAC catalog Baton Rouge Jack visit September: back in providence The cyclical nature of a year 170

my box of memories Aug 5 Graphic design trends and other alphabets Russian Arabic Chinese Korean Japanese --- Ok but what is the point of politics It’s just a bunch of drama and pseudo science and I’m kinda getting sick of it Like literally on both sides its just all getting too much Its just people that have very strong opinions dis- agreeing with each other And I’m interested in what government systems can also look like around the world because the US’s one is twisted and I hate that it has become a model! I’m watching a video on how close are we to rein- venting plastic—and I feel like this is what should be given absolute power in our world: ● The engineers ● The scientists ● Who have the ability to end pandemics ● End hunger ● And design a happy healthy peaceful planet ● Through agriculture, through infrastructure, through products with a healthy life cycle And idk, these people are actually really smart and know big words and think logically and they have the REAL power. not trump who doesn’t know a single thing 171

welcome to Aug 4 After doing this reading on the dominance of middle class white culture, I definitely am starting to see its impact on my mom having had a career in the us and having to adapt to this system of doing busi- ness: renting this house for example. I put an ad out on Facebook and people have been messaging me. While I am pretty open minded as a person I do have standards in terms of who I want to let live in my house. These standards are just looking for some- one who is unproblematic, will pay rent, and who is easy to get along with, has a personality, a job, etc… because unfortunately its not as simple as just singing a lease and moving in. There’s the cat in the middle, there’s our living conditions in the middle. But anyways, I was talking to this girl and I think the nature of this being on Facebook makes it a lit- tle less formal. I try to be friendly and factu- al and non emotionally attached. I think that’s the key. And so this lady wanted to visit and I told my mom about it and she wants me to keep talking to her and I’m like girl what am I supposed to say? And she’s saying stuff like “thank you for your inquiry for the house it is 1500 total” and just sounds very unnatural. You have to remember: this is a human be- ing on the other side. And it just makes me think of that reading. 172

my box of memories Aug 2 This idea that things have to be boiled down into sentence long digestible headlines or arguments when really things take time to develop to talk about relationships they are complex, things are complex, the world is complex, and there is no one size fits all solution. This is a misconception of our world and the only thing we can do is talk talk talk talk. the problem is that it leads people to thinking that they’re wrong, or that they’re overthinking things, or that they have no one to trust, or to talk to things about, where they feel that no one real- ly wants to listen to them, but that’s because they don’t really talk at all either. We have to remind ourselves that it is okay if our forms of communica- tions reflect the complexity of the world. Aug 1 The US: Ignorance of Americans who live their whole lives in a bubble and aren’t aware that “the greatest country on earth” actually doesn’t have the best standard of living—and mostly succumb to this belief because they never once thought to question it or to see other perspectives. People are not making all of this up. People are not protesting for fun. People are not upset for the sake of getting into an argument. And when we talk about the corruption in our political system it is not just for fun. Trump right now is talking about 173

welcome to banning tik tok when the covid death rate per capita is one of the highest in the world. Americans ar- en’t allowed to go anywhere in the world. These are the consequences of having a petty political system that acts more as a reality tv show of who said what rather than caring for the lives of people who are simply trying their best to get by. ↑AUGUST 2020↑ July 31 I need to say this Please please PLEASE stop putting me down for being groggy in the morning. I don’t feel nearly as close to you by text Inability to read my emotions/ /I was going to say this out loud and record it, but a I’m wet from shower and not really in the mood to talk. So I assume this will be a good stream of con- sciousness writing exercise for me. A lot of my work has to do with experience. Just earlier, I was thinking to myself, there’s no way one has the time to do what they want in a day. In a week. In a lifetime. Life is so dependent on your decisions, yet it sometimes seems impossible to ever make the right one. To complete everything you need to get done. And a lot of it you’re simply born into. A lot of it you’re thrown into by your parents and by societal expectations and circumstances. I think to myself about the summer I’ve spent here. 174

my box of memories The past few weeks I’ve felt very busy. I remember one time getting snowballs with Michael and he asked if I was stressed. But honestly, I was just think- ing about all of the things that I would have rather been doing. And in the moment of course I was like hey I want to hang out with Michael, but when it came to it, and I realized we weren’t really talking about anything at all, I was like ok my brain isn’t doing anything productive this is a waste of my time which has happened quite often this summer. Finding it hard to simply exist. I’ve been able to occupy myself with a routine of a few main categories: my internship, which consists of working at home and going to the Museum once a week. Reading articles and academic stuff (some- times), and hanging out with friends. I have Ele- na, Dede who just left, Corinna, Jack who came for a bit, Simon in BR, And my Michael relationship. I have my personal tasks like going through photos or listening to music. Music has refined itself this summer. I’ve discovered a specific sound I’ve sole- ly been listening too. Consistently upbeat, cheer- ful, and relaxing enough. My music taste was all over the place. And I feel like now it has matured. I think of drinking wine in the afternoons to mu- sic upstairs, in this light pink room, with all it’s sunlight coming through. I think of spending days cleaning the landing, I think of enjoying life, and really—being able to relax while not even being aware of it. And this is where we get into the time management aspect: In the summer, ever day while very different, es- sentially resembles itself, and exists within this 175

welcome to temporary time bubble. Both my mom and I know it is but temporary and we really just spend a majority of it planning the following year. For that reason, there is less of a “there is this task that needs to be done today” mentality, and more of a “here are my long term goals that I’m going to slowly work on throughout the days”, and so, time becomes stretched out. This is why I cannot name my accomplishments one by one, but I can name things that I worked on: my internship. My house. My friendships. Myself. And it was when I started to think about this, that I realized that when I was younger (in high school) I always looked at the super academic kids who nev- er stopped, as insanely smart and driven, and I didn’t really understand how someone could have that much motivation and be so “ahead” of everyone. But now, I realize that it’s not really a question of being “ahead” of others but being “ahead” of your- self. I might read from time to time, but honest- ly its only because I feel like I’m behind on this big goal I have of reading every day which I know is impossible. This applies to other things, like go- ing to RISD, like dying my hair blue, and many oth- er things. But the point is, without seeing my big goal, to someone else, it looks like I’m being real- ly efficient. It doesn’t matter that I’ve only read 2 out of 200 articles. What matters is that I read 2 articles. It doesn’t matter that I applied to 40 internship places and I could’ve applied to 200. What matters is that I applied to 40 and that is an accomplishment—as there was a time, there have been summers, where I applied to 0 internships, read 0 texts, and relatively, this is growth. 176

my box of memories More on growth: I think that this framing is important. Some might say, well, why would you set super high standards for yourself if you’re always going to not accom- plish them? Doesn’t that lead to disappointment? Yes, it does lmao. HOWEVER, it also leads to growth. I’ve learned that growth is a beautiful thing. Growth is something you can claim. It is something you can accomplish. But it isn’t easy. Moving to Providence wasn’t easy. Making some of my strongest design projects wasn’t easy. Sitting myself down to work isn’t easy. But I am capable of it. And unless I have these high standards for myself, I’m sim- ply going to sit around all day, every day, and do, nothing. Sometimes, you need to disappoint yourself in order to then understand WHY you’re disappointed, and WHAT you need to do to fix it. I’m not sure how well this connects to what I’m talking about, but here are some questions I’ve been thinking about —how do we organize information —how do we set priorities —how do we manage time —how do we synthesize experiences of different senses —how do we embrace creativity and foster it And then I started thinking about how RISD is a place for my intellect to exist. 177

welcome to It’s a place for me to bounce ideas back and forth with my professors. I started to think about the very personal relationships I now have at RISD. And I feel like in the midst of the pandemic we’ve all begun to know each other as people, too. Perhaps this is part of maturing and holding the perspective of professors being people too, just like me, and having the maturity to get along with them as we are both adults. Because college isn’t about making pet- ty mistakes, forgetting your homework, not memoriz- ing your vocabulary. It is however about your ideas. And so then I continued on this idea, and thought about how next semester I’d have these classes and how I’m probably going to continue to make work about how we organize information in a very research based format. And I think about how much more im- pactful these projects are going to be for me now that I’ve developed a central theme to my work. And then I thought about the language of design. And how graphic design is such a powerful field. And that all of these high expectations I put on myself ar- en’t really stressful, but things that I’m honestly grateful for. I’m grateful for the career path, I’m grateful for the school, and as usual, I could go on. July 29 Think of what marte said Next time she yells at me about my career Because she said I was une forte personne 178

my box of memories July 29 Go to RISD museum when back in providence Soak up the school and it’s resources --- No two items are the same. I’ve had people yell at me for losing a towel in their towel set of 10, when meanwhile in this house, you will not be able to find two matching ones. No two matching cups, no two matching plates, no two matching bottles, and no two matching pieces of fur- niture. I think this is important, it shows a certain amount of and value attributed to each and every object. This can be applied to people as well: no two peo- ple in the world are the same, no two people in the world are going to have exactly the same character- istics. --- Make a cat dedicated post and super colorful July 29 AOC & The Tight Rope It’s not what do you want, to be but how do you want to be That has always been guiding my decision making. When I was younger and had just graduated college, there’s so much pressure on what you want to be. What you want to accomplish. What stature, what goal. When I tried to map my path in those terms, I was deeply unhappy 179

welcome to And when I focused more on how I wanted to be, I was much happier. Catholic “traditional” vs Pentecostal “untradition- al” Black baptist tradition Role of music & catching the spirit. I grew up with a predisposition of curiosity. How do other people find god? Being labeled as a Marxist before she even realized it was a political way of being, when she thought it was simply a moral way of being We shared this special bond And it’s difficult when someone like that passes away, It can feel like an unwiring, like you don’t have a home anymore, and you feel profoundly alone And there’s a lot of guilt I struggled with Why should I feel so alone in the universe when I have all these people? So alone that the next year I studied abroad in West Africa. My father’s passing was part of that decision Which was one of the first domino falls that set me on a very larger trajectory personally in life. I felt so alone and the way to heal from that is to be alone Sometimes you just need solitude. Entered college as a premed, interested in public health, interested in healing, as an OBGYN! Spiritual & radicalizing experience People were making tea and socializing over music. Ppl in the US are poor. They do this once a week maybe if they’re not exhausted from work. But this was a way of life. That was the sun around which life revolved around. 180

my box of memories Fellowship and community. Contrast is that work is the sun in the U.S. Treating one patient at a time While gratifying, what you are treating is a result of systematic outcomes. People will continue to be sick if our systems con- tinue to be sick. Focus on policy. Didn’t grow up with this political context. I think of my life more of a metal detector than following directions I feel like my decisions are revealed to me rather than planned very far ahead —It seems like that path wouldn’t have been an elec- toral path, that would have been a social justice path. How did you take that tradition and infuse it into an electoral framework? If you were going to pursue elected office, you could not be an authentic human being. I did not feel like the way I conducted myself was acceptable in a modern political framework. I am blunt, as people know, I challenge some of the basic predicates that our society takes for grant- ed, I don’t believe that capitalism is like the best thing ever or that we can capitalism our way out of poverty. But how I came to it, was that I think about it in terms of relationships. Because politics is the scaffolding of our relationships to each other. And the reason our politics are so broken right now is because our relationships to one another as a soci- ety are deeply broken. I became cynical. 181

welcome to I don’t know exactly what I wanna do but I know what exactly but she tackled an issue of her own life, early education. How to tell stories where they are the hero. I’m gonna start informed by my own life and work with children and work with the community. Bringing together a courage as well as fortitude, intellect and a spirituality. It’s not just poli- tician. It’s a particular person inside a politi- cal system. Empathy and Imagination. Open your ego enough in order to get out of your narcissistic predicament and connect with someone else, that’s the problem in our society. How do you sustain all of your levels of yourself, charisma, but it’s more than that. It’s a whole or- ganic coming together in AOC. What I find to be the spiritual discipline I have been practicing the most since I won my primary is non-attachment. Politics, the intimidation, the pressure, the im- mense conformity is entirely based on your attach- ment to these things. If I can take away something you’re attached to I can make you do what I want to do. For example, attachment to my office. I cannot be at- tached to keeping my seat as a member of congress if I’m going to do my job. That is my job—but not my mission. 182

my box of memories Job vs. Mission. My mission is to advance principles of a better world, and to advance a better world. I made decision based on my very first day that I knew would result in a Primary challenge against me. That I knew were inviting millions of dollars to be spent against me. Being in the world but not of it. All of these pins, things you have to wear like a loose garment. Non Attachment. I’m just one person, doing their best. And I tried to communicate that in as many ways as I could, even trying to cook dinner on instagram with people, that was me trying to find fellowship. I knew that going on Instagram at 10pm while chop- ping carrots after a long day of work I’m going to say something that is maybe grammatically incor- rect, or politically incorrect, but I chose to do it anyway, because I needed to break the mythology of perfection in people who hold power. Because I felt like if people saw vulnerability and flaw in me, that they would also apply that vulnerability and flaw to other people in power who try to hide them. Power is mostly about illusion, and so how you manicure the illusion contributes to the strength of power. And I knew that I was in an institution that didn’t de- serve the power it held, because of how corrupted it has become, and so I needed to pull back the cur- tain, and let people see me mess up, cuz I’m not the only one. 183

welcome to July 28 A summary of my growth at RISD, told through the lens of graphic design —RISO —Bookmaking —Printing posters —Typeshop monitor —Living in 15 West —Music —Making websites —Darkroom photo, analog These are the things that reassure me that this big decision I’ve made has been worth it. An homage to myself 184

my box of memories But how do I make it more accessible to others?? Do I need to make it more accessible to others?? How do you make an autobiography universal? Also: —How to illustrate information sharing on social media —How social media has transformed the landscape of information, and the levels of awareness and appre- hension of a people —How people are changing in political perspectives. —What are the large scale impacts —How is the role of social media changing —How can we design our own social media and plat- forms —How do we democratize social media and take out the billionaire owners To Anette: Ask if there have been any developments with her situation Say that I’m sure she got my letter but just want- ed to thank her genuinely for being a great renter / she set a new standard / plus I enjoyed getting to know her 185

welcome to July 25 This is kinda stupid It’s 12:13 and I kinda just wanted to sit outside but I feel like I can see Tasha walking around her house or zim is gonna come out on his balcony or John is gonna take out his trash or my mom is gonna come upstairs into her room which is right next to me but I kind of just want a moment to myself you know, but it’s like I’m literally sitting here and there is a target North South East and West. I am in the center. July 24 Pull some quotes from that aoc interview This woman is so inspiring 186

my box of memories July 24 I feel like right now we’re going through some real- ly really hard circumstances in the world right now I’ve seen a growth in this anti-establishment move- ment that has emerged almost in backlash to Trump. The movement that backed behind Bernie’s campaign, the power of mobilization, in a time of power con- centration, and the idea of an economy that works for few at the top, but not really for working class people. Adding on to that, I think a lot of us as millenni- als and as artists identify with the values of this movement And I think that we’ve almost been wired to be anti establishment in every way possible And while it’s easy to get mad and point out all of the issues with RISD I think it’s also important to acknowledge all that this school is doing July 19********** How do we negotiate space? Housing Renting Psychologically Behaviorally Rabbit holes General curiosity Being overwhelmed by life Genuine desire to understand the world If there was a way to understand everything in the world what would it be 187

welcome to The history of social media platforms like quora The concept of a rabbit hole, addiction, constantly needing more and more and more The accumulation of experiences The infinite amount of them Life feels infinite honestly That is why we either feel like there is all too much to do Or we just don’t know what we’re doing at all on a day to day basis because there are so many possibil- ities July 19 As I end here tonight, here a few things I’ve been thinking about. First of all, wow. Look at this typeface. It’s re- ally pretty. The cap to x-height ratio is so small! It’s like 2. Perhaps I feel a bit slow right now. That’s because I am. But you know what I’m simply going to write for the joy of writing! Also—I’m really tired bc I barely slept last night—going to bed around 4 waking up at 10 bc I slept on Simons couch and kept getting attacked by this stupid cat. But these relatively reckless nights have given me a lot to think about in terms of my life. 1. Perhaps I take this whole sleep thing too se- riously. I mean yes it is nice to get a good nights rest but I feel like getting 9-10 hrs ever night + at least an hour or so of just laying in bed not doing anything either before 188

my box of memories or after falling asleep is just unnecessary. Whenever I go on trips like this short one to BR or like my trip to NYC, (dang look at the kerning on these letters) I actually feel way more productive off 6 or 7 hours bc the day feels longer and I’m usually not getting as much sleep for a special reason which trans- lates to me doing more. 1. Does anything really matter. Hearing Simon complain about his girlfriend and just life in general and not knowing what he wants. And then—I come back to my cats—who simply exist, yet are filled with so much love, happiness, and gratefulness and gratitude to simply be alive. I think about how I had an awful tooth- ache a couple weeks ago and how grateful I am to no longer be in that pain. Because life is resilient and once we are alive it takes a lot to take it out. And I find that idea kind of beautiful. Like, I have a lot to be grateful for. Meanwhile I see my mom indulge in lowkey self-deprecation, a sad lifestyle burdened by insecurity and low self esteem. Simply hearing her yell on the phone asking for reservations shows that it has nothing to do with English not being her first language and more about her not really having respect for / not remembering that these are real people she’s calling and you don’t just call another human being say- ing I’d want to make a reservation tomorrow at 5 my name is CL A U D I N E like girrrlll no body cares. Then she brings up the Tasha’s tow- el thing as if all she has to do is worry about 189

welcome to this woman’s towels. TBH, I couldn’t care less about Tashas towels. I have internship work to do. I have a trip to plan with Jack next week. I want to see my friends. I want to watch shows and relax and focus on my happiness and work around the house. Not look up towels on the internet when I know I did not lose them and I really don’t sit well with the assumption that I lost them. Bitch already made enough of a scene when she came back in town. I really hate the premise that I’m meant to continue showing someone respect after they’ve disrespected me just because I can’t burn bridges. You wanna know something? I never burn bridges. ever. Because you never know where that bridge is gonna lead you. But perhaps I need to let go a little bit here. Not let myself get taken ad- vantage of right now. It’s like what happened with Hubert. My mom expected me to apologize to him. I was going to do it—but then I real- ized that by apologizing, I was telling myself that I did something wrong, when in my heart I believed while what I did wasn’t right, that I didn’t deserve all the pain they put me through either, and that I didn’t owe him an apology. I feel the same way for Tasha. I apologized, ex- plained to her everything, helped her clean her house and paid the price for her OCD which was super mentally taxing in the midst of Anette and everything. Even though I honestly love her so much now and am blessed to have had her as a tenant. I no longer owe anything to Tasha. And I feel as though that is a respectable position to take. To think about what people are giv- 190

my box of memories ing you, and to think about whether or not they merit your input or knowledge or opinion or ef- fort or time. Because sometimes, they don’t. 1. Also super quick, got such a motivation boost from BR this weekend. I really felt really cool. Felt super confident, super social, super comfortable in who I was. I was the cool French graphic designer boy with blue hair. I want to understand everything in the world July 18 Reading through the outrage in the comments section of a Fox news video about Jamaal Bowman’s recent win in Congress. To summarize, they’re disheartening. Jamaal won against Eliot Engel, a *16 term* incum- bent in NY’s Democrat primary. sounds quite similar to AOC’s win a couple years ago. The dude has been in Congress since ’89 and it was time to pass the torch onto the next person. They are both Dem’s too, that’s not even the issue. They’re upset that he has progressive policies. He’s being called commie, a marxist, a puppeteer of in- sane radicals like Bernie & AOC, etc etc. 191

welcome to Jamaal ran just like Eliot. The people voted. Wel- come to representative democracy. Some might say “but Etienne, why would u read through the comments of a Fox vid?”, and here’s why: I feel like we could all benefit from understand- ing each other’s perspectives. Instead of discount- ing far right comments, I want to try to understand them. And what I’m understanding, is that behind all of these bad-faith attacks, is so much negativity / bully culture that honestly doesn’t get us anywhere. Instead of attacking one another let’s talk policy. Let’s ask each other questions. Maybe then we can get somewhere!! Ugh July 18 It’s kinda wild hanging out with all these ppl and they seem completely ignorant to everything that’s going on Perhaps they’re just trying to take a break from ev- erything But I feel like nothing even existons anymore July 13 Okay hello I need to write for a few seconds because I have thoughts I slept fine I guess, I feel like in general I’ve been much more relaxed 192

my box of memories and indifferent to the world Attempting to bring my emotional response down to situations To keep my cool and to be thoughtful and reflect be- fore jumping to conclusions I was just beginning to move on from this Tasha sit- uation And today, I woke up to a text from her about a tow- el she can’t find It’s Sunday. Like girl chill. My mom is doing laundry and the last time she did laundry she was in a bad mood And now she thinks she has to go to Target I don’t get it I ask her if Michael can come and she’s like yeah duh Michael can do whatever he wants And so when I go to take a shower she’s like Etienne fix my computer get song pop on my computer Like she knew he was coming I don’t see how this whole thing is my fault I don’t see how this towel disappearing is like Like anything I can do about it Ugh!!! These ppl keep coming after me. ——— It’s really annoying because I feel like I have my own responsibilities and own goals and motivations that I need to pursue in terms of my education, my internship, my personal development etc. But I feel as though I can’t get more an 1 hour of me time in at a time before it is interrupted to do something for someone else that literally adds 0 value to my life. And if I don’t do them I’m perceived as self- ish, mean, irresponsible, etc. 193

welcome to You know, perhaps it is time that I acknowledge that I am a responsible child. In the grand scheme of things, I take good care of things. There are a few things I really really do put off and I really am flawed in. But for the most part I feel like I’m a really intelligent open minded and proactive person. I’m very driven and simply the amount of drive it takes to be a student at risd. To maintain a social life. To work for someone. To take care of myself. Adds up really fast. But I also know what I want and have a certain expectation for things that direct- ly impact me like the housing situation or my job so those are cases in which I take initiative. Perhaps I need to think about what people are doing for me in exchange and that it doesn’t always wind up being me giving and giving and being generous and helping and listening and being honest and letting myself be put down, and then getting yelled at for not giving again even more. This is why adopting an early rise schedule would help. Because I feel like by the time I wake up and get started everything everyone has already has hours of being up before me and they use that against me and my daily productivity If I woke up earlier I would be able to help others after getting all the things that I want and need to get done out of the way. I’m just thinking really hard about my current dis- position, and it’s really stressing me out, 194

my box of memories and I feel really behind in life right now, and I really just want to take this entire day to get my life together and reflect and be productive. July 13 I’m actually really pissed off cuz rose woke me up at 6am meowing again. I’m gonna have to keep her out from now on. July 13 I know it’s hot af But I’m walking home right now and it’s actually ok I wish I could wake up early every day And go on a walk and walk down every street in this neighborhood Maybe take pictures And read articles When people ask me how I M doing Say good I went on a walk today July 10 David, I really don’t know about this Noah guy. Has he even seen pictures of the place? Does he know there’s a cat? I would like to keep looking. Also, you need to tell us before you let someone sign and give you the deposit. We need to talk about these people and have options before making a final call. 195

welcome to July 9 Big France dreams Crossing a river because I didn’t have the thing I needed to cross it? So I Ask a kid if I can cross with her in French. The river is I. Like Rome or something My grandparents are there and so is Pierre and Ali- zee and Guillaume Next thing I know we’re flying into New Orleans driv- ing down Carrollton and I’m showing this little girl my whole life lmao Being in France with Ava Greg and Corinna. Rushing over to say hi. Nick is also there. My mom is there. They start talking about one of his crushes. then is when I start going through these halls of a concert? Occupied by Risd people? And omg so much happened the details are kinda fuzzy I asked some dude to do a photo shoot of me and the friend I was with I can’t remember which friend it was it was lowkey a blend of michael Vitória destiny and Corinna Walking through one of the halls when everyone was sitting down in the dark 196

my box of memories July 9 Okay fine, Fine fine fine. I’ll just go to bed and just turn off my curiosity. My mind is wandering right now. I keep feeling like I’m going to do this one last thing before I go to bed but the it turns into an- other thing and another thing I literally just wanted to watch SpongeBob Then I watched like 5 episodes LMAO It’s really making me feel good. It’s a really funny silly beautiful show. I honestly relate to and am intrigued by it. And then I go downstairs to say hi to the kitties. Then I have to get ready for bed brush teeth make bed get water Then I open my absentee ballots and am like okay this is a cool document and all but Also very badly designed! It does not tell me crucial information: my voting / poll location, And date I need to send it / primary. It says I need to either return the ballot by mail, in person, or by fax, but they don’t tell me where. They tell me I need to do it the day before the election, that it needs to be received by 4:30 PM, but it doesn’t say anywhere what the date of the primary is to remind someone or that the date they really need to remember is the 10th! There’s a million other pieces of information on this letter and the hierarchy is a mess. 197

welcome to Some verbs are BOLDED AND CAPPED like ok calm down I’m not a 4 year old, Yet, they omit other really important information So I started thinking about this is why I am a graphic designer So I look at my work a bit And looked at my reflective doc from DS1, Type1, and History of GD I thought about how there was a certain purity to my work because it was simply the first time I was doing it Theres a sort of stagnancy that comes with experience My Bridget Riley project comes to mind… The type treatments I made for that, followed a sim- ple system. Today, I would respond to it so differ- ently, but back then, I made the type treatment on Photoshop. I made Garageband graphics and animat- ed them. I used my drawing tablet and my photogra- phy. Like, I really said let’s just have fun. I un- derstood the concepts my professors were trying to teach me. And I understood that process was always more important than the final piece so I literally never ever thought about what it would look like, which I miss. 198

my box of memories So yeah, now I’m going down this whole memory lane of my time at RISD. I lowkey wanna rebrand myself again and change my website format bc now it is very kinda goofy and I wanna emit extreme editorial pro. I just don’t have the coding skills for it! My point was that I went from Spongebob to Cats to Bedtime to Ballott to Graphic Design and I just nev- er want to stop case and point. There are simply too many things in the world to think about! How are we even supposed to begin to navigate this space of modern life?!? July 7 Omg this is wild Etienne is back and he is here to finally reflect on his life and spend some time providing himself with some input generated from a (hopefully) good place in his heart So my mom just came in just now, 199

welcome to I’m putting up paintings in my room Because I want to Because I’m really like paying attention right now and I feel very aware of things I feel I’ve slept on Anyway, Not extremely out of my character you know. I’m just vibing Having a good night Trying to at least, after calculating all the money that I owe at RISD. I almost feel as though the minute I do something I need to share it for approval The minute I learn something or do something new, I can feel my curiosity begin to kick in as some- thing went from not existing, to being new, to hav- ing ability to generate discussion. This goes beyond art, it goes beyond information. Well, it is infor- mation, really. And I think the risk of that, as they talked about in the article I read today, That things have the risk of turning simply into in- formation And that people stop to care once they know about something and it turns into yet another “dictionary definition”. I’ve thought about this concept before. The idea that you’re just meant to stop learning at a cer- tain age—that you’re meant to understand the world and be an adult—that you’re meant to retire and fi- nally get a break in life—bt dubs I think retire- ment age should NOT be so old. I think it should be like 40 or 50 man. I’m really overwhelmed sometimes 200