My Entire Life is an Inquiry...but I Know Yours is Too

my box of memories by this idea that this really scary thing looming over me called my future consists of a really really long career. This thing called a career. That’s go- ing to mean like a majority of my life. And u spend ur whole life leading up to the end of college some- times grad school to to the entire REST of you’re life. It’s this idea of growth and aspiration taught to kids, instilled in kids, that we are meant to become something later in life. That we are meant to be given role models of adults who each pursued their own individual paths that they themselves must wholeheartedly believe in. I am quite inspired by this idea. That when I die, I simply want others to know that I followed a path within myself that con- sisted of conquering my destiny as an artistically gifted student to become and turn into an artist. And this is why I wanted to also mention, that I am truly grateful that this “future” we speak of is actually quite vivid, creative, innovative, fulfill- ing for me. Colorful, vibrant, beautiful, constantly exciting, simply because of the nature of not only the field in which I am chasing but also in the gift to me that has been attending RISD. The intensity of DS1-3 walkabouts. The privilege it is to exist in a space that is championed by fast, problem solving innovation. Like I gotta acknowledge that RISD is a top school for a reason and that I am truly being given an incredible opportunity to experience this for myself over the course of 4 years, and that I’m only one of the few kids in this entire country that has. 201

welcome to ↑JULY 2020↑ June 29 Take another class with Namita if u can June 28 Things finally start to settle down First night back home And first day at home Get struck with an awful toothache Been dealing with that all day Took 3 Doliprane And found out Anette is staying longer 703 3000 speak to Billy & give her insurance info! {present me interrupting for a moment to say that this was insane. I can’t believe it took me until june 28 to move back into my own home after being in town since the end of may…. I’m really so sick of having this housing instability and now I’m gon- na lose my base in Rhode Island and I just am so not ready for that.} June 27 ELENA Thought I had a rose tattoo the other day 202

my box of memories I got my teeth on I dont ever know what to sayy Never! Ever. Never know what to say. Have never known what to say. Ever! But I got high hopes That if I look into the sky I’ll get there one day Just for today. Got my green nails, killing it huh? (I think this was a good day, i remember getting drinking in my pink room and playing music.} My life is incredibly complex June 26 ugHhhhHHhHh This is so annoying!!! TOOTHACHE June 25 DO AGAIN: Current hair: blue and long Hair cut (first): blue is short, some brown grow back in 203

welcome to Hair cut (second) no blue hair Grow out hair long Cut hair Bleach it & go blonde Rock that for while Grow out Cut sides & back Dye dark blue again Bam: dark blue top, black roots. Bleach: mar 14 June 21 When’s the last time you cried? Yes crying is important but when’s the last time you laughed? or smiled? But we don't want to talk about that. 204

my box of memories June 20 BARS Buffa’s Envie Molly’s at the Market The spotted cat Frenchmen Pirates Alley (local more than touristy) Jean lafitte bar Clover grill Du Maine & bourbon Dauphinr and St Louis: Used to be called the Double Play Black Penny Lorettas The Phoenix (don’t go upstairs) Jean Lafitte bar Dragon Den **** pat O’Brien’s Bourbon local YOUNG PPL Apple Barrel (country music) Spotted Cat (40’s swing dance & Jazz) Siberia Ask Simon Julian June 15 I don’t know if I should be writing right now Part of me just wishes this was all behind me Because I remember parts of last summer Where I had similar times as these Where I was just sitting up on the balcony, reflect- ing on my life 205

welcome to Venting about the tenant situation And lord did I remember that writing I remember it vividly I remember the frustration I remember the struggle it was to document every mo- ment And now I have a record of that That is what I created a record of So you know, I could easily go on a rant about what this summer has been like for me. About living in Tasha’s house, about finding out that Anette was re- ally going to be staying here much longer, even past Jack’s visit, about doing this paperwork for RISD with my mom and verifying my fafsa at fedex, about initially wanting Anette to move upstairs, and then realizing that that was unreasonable considering she is moving out soon, about how we talked it through and that went well but when Tasha got home she yelled at me about the stove, couch stains, crack in the toilet seat, and missing bowls half of which I didn’t know about. About moving to the French quar- ter, about my mom not wanting me to ask to use their bike, about breaking a hole in the wall of my dads room and having to go to Lowe’s to fix it. About hav- ing to paint the room. About Anette getting upset today idk why. About my mom asking me if I cleaned her tubberware. About feeling completely powerless, feeling completely dependent on others, Feeling as though my biological and physical 206

my box of memories footprint and its impact on others is too large for myself to handle. Like it also makes me sad the way I hear my mom re- acting to these situations lowkey. She complains about Borja yet gives him the largest benefit of the doubt. She calls Tasha out on her behavior, but when she accuses me of losing her bowls she’s like you better not have answered like “I don’t know any- thing” but have said ok Tasha I will come over and help you find the bowls. You think I’m gonna want to help her after this? No. I’m done with her out- bursts, now that I know this is how she reacts. And that’s the difference between her. She allows peo- ple to continually disrespect her and just takes it — but it’s so hard on her! She deals with so much guilt, but there are times in which it is literally not your fault. I just wish she wasn’t so reluctant to cut people off, or when to say no. When to spare herself the psychological trauma. June 14 To Cynthia Just wanna chat with her and get to know her. Tell her I love the soap in her bathroom, The AC works great, just wish I had some cooking stuff, and to confirm a close grocery store. 207

welcome to To tasha I PROMISE I didn’t think the house was that messy. We just got different standards of cleanliness. Obviously mine can’t be that bad though… June 12 Going back high school as a junior in high school and reading a book to an audience Sitting next to Margaux Destiny was there Going on a walk and exploring the new campus Enormous Gym at the heart of the campus Being in a PE uniform Going in the locker room Pretending to be a student Going outside and it’s Audubon park Students are all filming a video and I just have to keep pretending I belong there Then I meet Lene: she’s a freshman or sophomore. And tells me she’s planning on going to risd.I’ve now entered a parallel universe. June 3 Oh god I know I got really quiet. Sometimes I get hit with this wave of realization about my living situation, which is usually followed by acceptance and under- standing of the situation, but until that happens all I can think about is how angry I am about it all. 208

my box of memories When I get upset, I like to talk about it. I like to have someone to complain with me to get that frustration out. And sometimes it feels like we’ll start talking, but you’ll get side tracked and start talking random stuff which makes me feel like I can’t voice my concerns I don’t want this to turn into something where I just dump my problems onto you and become a negative energy similar to Brianna. So I just stop talking about it. But still feel everything. So it’s this constant battle of wanting to trust you and be open, and restricting myself in case it become a construc- tive conversation. I think that if I can’t voice how I feel when I’m upset, how am I supposed to voice how I feel when I’m happy? When I’m comfortable? Like if you felt this way, even if I wasn’t on the same wavelength, I would ask questions. My friends ask me questions which helps me get to the bottom of what’s really bothering me. Saying things like decorating is an art form is unhelpful and dismissive. To me it’s the equivalent of “turn that frown upside down and have a positive attitude”. ↑JUNE 2020↑ 209

welcome to May 24 Neighborhood typography Study of how the world is organized -- The mask Is becoming the incarnation of safety. The represen- tation of safety in a time of paranoia.. I feel like people will see me with my mask off right now—taking a sip of water—and freak out. They will stare at me and think he is going to get me sick. But it’s also just what my aunt Eunice says, as someone who works in the command center of Griffin Hospital monitoring cases of covid in Connecticut. And she’s like un- less someone’s coughing in your face your chances of catching covid is pretty low, like if your alone in your car there’s not much point in keeping your mask on. It’s about being smart. May 21 AOC: There’s almost an apocalyptic mentality. That earthquake hit and my family had all of these emer- gency backpacks ready to go with torches & rations because they knew that no one was going to come. And that’s the psyche. And to know that a society does not care for you has a profound impact on one’s psyche. Whether its Puerto Rico or the Bronx, your world view is shaped when society has abandoned you. P. 119. I do not know the names of the plants in the place I am from (Antigua)…This ignorance of the bot- any of the place I am from (and am of) really only reflects the fact that when I lived there, 210

my box of memories I was of the conquered class, and living in a con- quered place, a principle of this condition is that nothing about you is of any interest unless the con- queror deems it so.” May 21 I think infrastructure / engineering should be a mandatory course in hs. May 20: Junior Review Notes. Crossing the bridge from photography into graphic design. Continued Thread: The ways I’m very skilled in observation, a skill useful in photography, and then in graphic design I have a keen eye for public space. Interested in community. Thinking about the formal aspects and reconfiguring them to invoke new energy. 211

welcome to A real sense of a mission on my part. Of care, to look at architecture at physical surroundings, to contemplate and bring into work as foundation. Speaking to my mission. Parking Lot project stood out because of iterations. Color work for Fig Leaf A lot of my work is rooted in the observed Imagining what is possible? Not everything is looking outward, but some of it is looking FORWARD into possibilities. Creating these things that don’t exist Senior who is graduated who struggled linking all these places Facades of history buildings: presenting my experi- ence from my life moving to this place to that place Very rich and well documented Not very personal, but we would all be interested to read You’re just sharing all this imagery and its very rich and working very well. To see what is possible to relate and organize and grid. Architecture? Looking inward 212

my box of memories Looking forward too. In my case, my personal records aren’t inaccessible. Makes you wonder, ok what’s next? May 17 I just remembered how I would get to NOCCA senior year And sometimes Simon would be driving in front of me and I’d say hey, knowing that those are some of my really good friends. And I would get to nocca, walk in, and see my friends. I’d see Helen and Lene and say hi, happily being able to see them talk to them for just a few seconds before they say sorry I gotta go, and she hops into Simon’s car and they hang out without me, while I, went to Media and hung out with this strange group of freshman I didn’t know It’s so sad how initially I wanted to go for half day. But NOCCA really didn’t want me to skip a level. I should have just been like look, it’s my senior year. I’ve been wanting to go to nocca for 3 years and every day I see some of my closest friends at Franklin walk out the courtyard at lunch to drive over to here. I’m gonna be doing college applica- tions and don’t know if I can handle the academic rigor of Franklin combined with driving all day get- ting home at 7PM every night. I’ve had trouble main- taining good grades in the past and this will nega- tively impact me; however, I think if I can somehow attend Level II, something I believe I am perfect- ly capable of, being able to join a class of people 213

welcome to I’m already familiar with like Helen, my academic performance would actually improve since I’m doing something I’m so passionate about. Otherwise, it’s not even worth it. I should have said I will not consider going to NOCCA if I cannot enjoy it with my closest friends from Franklin and not be swamped with class until 7pm my senior year of high school when i should be applying to college. But bro can we just take a second to acknowledge that I actually did this. Especially within the con- text of me going back into the past like all the way to senior year of high school and realizing that nothing’s really changed despite everything chang- ing. I think it’s really remarkable that I was able to put myself through that, and look at where it led me—here. To RISD. How did we schedule our classes at Ben Franklin? I really do not remember a course catalog or sign up process at ALL. May 16 The higher standard is what allows us to create work to elevated standards. The created environment, that is important, academic, and a little bit harsh, and also coming at an enormous price tag, kind of ma- nipulates the students into believing that educa- tion and performance and growth has incredible im- portance. Not that like, it doesn’t and society is wrong, but that it’s still a VERY present phase in a young’s life. 214

my box of memories Anyways. High stakes is what forces me to work. Oth- erwise I wouldn’t do the work at all. Right now for example, I have a burning desire to do anything oth- er than work but I am invested because I know there is someone with expectations on the other side. May 15 Pictures are just extensions of what comes through our lives, and ways for us to isolate the many sen- sorial elements that contribute to an isolated point in time. Looking through my camera roll this evening But it doesn’t really feel like isolated events They might come off as such. But really, they’re all connected.. 215

welcome to My path through life is not disjointed. I do not teleport from location to location. But transition from one point to the next. The photo of my cat Laying on the worn down hardwood floors— We take care of life in this home We exert the pressures of every day tasks Left behind through marks and scratches And piles of things And as much as we create memories within it The house creates us too. As the summer cycles through My house goes from being a place of welcoming A space to reflect, to recharge, to recenter myself To becoming a place of preparation The battlegrounds of transition The equipping of clothes and things needed To survive in the other world. Preparing the space to be occupied by others Lights are now on, throughout the day 216

my box of memories It begins to function with practice over passion No more passiveness, natural unfoldings, or sponta- neity Control Fear Strength Change War. The life in the home we once took care of so carefully, can feel us losing our grip. Can sense the space changing in function And our impending survivalism. It begins to miss us It begins to realize how attached it has become How dependent it was on our presence A reciprocated relationship The art that has given my bedroom its life and per- sonality for years Ripped off the walls. Next thing you know, I’m on the road Gone, until next time. MAY 15 My dreams last night Driving across with world with my mom We left from Providence and drove to Boston or omething Then flew from Boston to London Then drove from London down Europe I remember being really far up north Houses were huge but all very pale in color to match their Barron environments 217

welcome to This area also used photography Giant photography billboards It was interesting And then We got further down Into these cities in the mountains Where architecture is truly integrated into the ge- ography This one city Was in a plain And was built in a cement square within the moun- tains I think it was either in Italy or India And this city is extremely popular and crowded and as were getting closer The traffic gets worse We almost get in wreck after wreck And then… We run into Alizee and Pierre, I think I remember Corinna, Michael, and Anastasiia there too at some point We had to ship a box of food back to Louisiana from the other side of the world I also remember waking up a lot from nightmares This one involved setting something on fire in a room And when I tried to do it I didn’t do it in the right room and almost died May 13 Love has its limits. 218

my box of memories May 13 I feel like senior year is going to be the most im- portant year of my entire life I’ve seen some students who come out on the other side taking their work so seriously. I feel as though my classmates as well as profes- sors have gotten to know me, thanks to the nature of the risd gd community and its curriculum. I feel like simply getting to know someone is such a great gift. We don’t really get to know many people in our lives; because it takes time. It takes patience, and letting ourselves grow and develop. Plus, these re- lationships are of academic guidance; these people are upbringing sharp minds to conquer the world with their intelligence. May 12 Ask jack for Q’s. I have 2 May 10 Everyone knows the idea, “Don’t change yourself for anyone” “You deserve someone who can handle you at your worst & best” etc, Or something along those lines I think in order to do that you have to be comfort- able with yourself first That’s relatively hard when you’re growing up. Why? Because you’re changing! 219

welcome to The person you have always identified yourself will outgrow itself to some degrees. Your appearance, for example. I’m just chillin in my kitchen for example, eating dinner, doing some work, texting some friends... I’m taking time to answer people, giving myself time to think of something to say—and not simply answer- ing on impulse. I am not overthinking, but I am put- ting some thought into it. My selfies are not always going to be cute Sometimes I think I look hella ugly I got my headphones on and an ugly sweater and a scarf for some reason lmao But that’s just what I’m wearing right now, and I’m allowing myself to feel that way and not criticize myself for it. I’ve done as much as I can for DS tonight, and I like where I got Be kinder to yourself and accept change and yourself the way you are May 7 At the end of the day I am a tactile person & its been really hard transitioning to a 100% digital form of learning. it has been hard to not print things out and to see them visually. it has been hard keeping my thoughts locked onto the screen, only able to be communicated through the confines of a keyboard. 220

my box of memories May 7 It’s hard sometimes to remember you can always reach out... How did we feel about my progress? Do we like the running heads? I felt like today I just tried really hard to make up for a lack of effort on my end by embellishing the hell out of the document. And I only got com- ments on my body text, that I placed that morning and haven’t touched up — so it backfired. I feel bad. Part of me wishes he remembered the nice conversation we had about dissecting the elements of the flag. I remember how much he loved the little tied up creature as a “character”. And that he want- ed to see my dissection of it. I felt as though I did just that. I presented my research on a topic. My analysis. I’m inspired and my thoughts are flowing, But I can’t control them. I can develop them, but not gear them in any way. They almost obstruct my vision. May 5 I’ve become very very impulsive I can not control myself anymore I no longer have discipline! I just ruined what could’ve been a productive night 221

welcome to May 4 It’s hard to do these projects alone. DS4 started off with some lectures and activities But as the semester went on, I felt as though I wasn’t learning much. One thing about quarantine, is that one of the re- sults of social distancing is inherently academic distancing. It is hard to suddenly become all alone, so far away from professors, from a curriculum that already felt in some ways detached. I understand the focus being upon the graphic de- signers professional practice and building up these eager, creative minds, ready to be pushed out into the professional world and be able to say, once the next generation of artists have grown up, and finally become successful, that they went to RISD. I am extremely proud to go here. Every time I show one of my friends from back home a project, I am excited, proud, and a little full of myself, to be able to say: this is what I create at school. Every time a new semester cycles around I am able to put my growth into perspective and realize that at this school, I am constantly being pushed, influenced, helped by, and guided by my friends, classmates, professors, and their work. The work they hang up for critique. The posters hung up the building. It is a unique environment with a friendly, bold, and slightly unapologetic personality. So that’s that. DS4 created a competitive, cut- throat environment. It made me feel like we were all 222

my box of memories turned against each other low-key. I felt like our department was becoming something we were all be- ginning to feel comfortable and happy in. All be- ginning to know one another through conversations and through talking projects through. I remember in ds3, when I sat next to Julie everyday and we talked about how stressed out we were. I miss Kathy’s ener- getic presence, Kelsey’s “What’s something cool ex- citing or fun you did over the weekend?” All things I wasn’t even aware I was being influenced by in the moment. Second semester was sitting quietly in a room, or- ganizing the chaos within my laptop that I secretly loved, with good-willed, constructive, yet imperson- al one on one meetings. May 3 Make a poetry book Spreads of just a stanza or two It makes me really sad, That life has forced me to become this incredibly expectant. Part of it is because I do not underestimate the power of life. I think about when I was in 7th and 8th grade. Not the memories of school and torment— But the first creative ones. The first photographs. The first DSi. The cats \\ 223

welcome to outside. Nights at home, in our hoarded home. Hurricanes. The strobe light. The music videos. These are all things I’ve been through. And while I will never UNDERSTAND all of the experi- ences that allow someone to become the person that they are, I would never want someone to feel like they cant share those experiences with me. Because if you can’t accept the way someone thinks, or feel like your way of thinking isn’t accepted, or don’t feel comfortable enough to share that way of thinking or those experiences, There will be a disconnect. Whoever is capable of this connection is a very, very special person. And sometimes I wish I could just be happy with what I have gotten. But having high expectations for yourself, means high expectations for others. --- To Jack— When I have a task I want to do, I realize it will not be done and exist by the end of the day that I want to. So I jot these ideas all down with the understanding that these ideas all have potential for evolution. Writing helps me a lot with this dilemma. Because writing is a flow, and it is a record. Of 224

my box of memories where your mind was. It becomes important to prac- tice the skill of putting your thoughts into words. Of saying what you want to say. But also in the ability to ENTER this space that allows your thoughts to flow and for your ideas to evolve and not lose meaning, but to build it up. Developing the ability to say what you want to say is so important because messages are important. The more you develop this fluency, the more vivid, accurate, and powerful your words will become. Sometimes I wonder if my words have evolved so much to the point that if I spoke deeply and truly and honestly about life—don’t even think about talking to people directly, because with the wrong per- son, this might become difficult, not the pressure 225

welcome to of communicating with someone else—but to myself. With zero pressure. And someone listened to it. The subconscious—the depth of dreams. Influenced by my environment. By grief, and loss. By genetics. By thoughts. How much trouble would an outsider have understand- ing? And sometimes I feel as though the same influ- ences prevent me from understanding what thoughts it is that you are trying to communicate. However I believe that we are on similar levels of thought, just in different retrospects. Although it exists on the same level, there is still a disconnect. I’m just listening to calm music and writing my thoughts ADDING ON TO THIS SUN MAY 3rd There is a recurring theme of disconnect in my writings. That is not to say that I am cut off from the world, but that this is simply a result of each and every one of us pursuing different callings in life: we were all raised through different experiences that ultimately shape 226

my box of memories us into the people we are today. Whether they are within our control, or not. Whether we are aware of their impact they have in that moment, or not. Humans are fragile, susceptible, yet intelligent creatures. The compounding effects of different life experiences on the individual’s scale explain one's personality & characteristics. Gifts as well as flaws. Physical, geographical, cultural, emotional, and spiritual, influences. Thinking about how there is this perception that kids don’t know how the world works And that by the time you’re an adult your meant to understand how it works Getting a job does not mean understanding how the world works. 227

welcome to You will always add on to your knowledge on how it works. You will never fully know how this world works It’s confusing It’s surreal It’s extraordinary It’s unfair, beautiful, It’s painful, annoying, Overwhelmingly remarkable. May 2 Shorten website Either make home page like 3 or 4 projects total that each represent an editorial, photography, etc that bring you to the PAGE rather than the Project Or make home page Everything All the projects Just put everything on the home page every thing else just omit It’s extra Someone wants to understand who I am in less than 5 minutes Better not to have really exciting projects And less exciting projects But only the really exciting projects May 2 ***** I’m curious to the other siblings perspective I want to ask Margaux that as an only child I am cu- rious as to what its like have a younger sister. How she feels about or would describe her relationship 228

my box of memories with her sister. Same with Elise and her relation- ship with hers. Destiny and Rosie. I can picture it because I know what its like to live with someone, but that person has always been my mother, and never been someone my age. And if someone who lost their mom, or didn’t have a mother present in their lives was curious about what a mother to son relationship is like, I would gladly open up and tell them about it. I’d say more than, oh u know, she gets on my nerves sometimes but we have a pretty good relationship.” No. First off, you would need to know some background. You would need to know her job Where she’s from Her family how I grew up That she was a teacher And that she bugged me a lot. I would tell them about her bad habits, Of staying up late, The complete chaos and disorganization in her mind, Her inability to do dishes?? But also her amazing strengths. Her morning oriented, tea focused mind, Her major life milestones, knowing she moved to the us to start over, Became a teacher, 229

welcome to dealing with her husbands death!! Getting fired!!! Buying a house, Hiring a cleaning lady, Admitting she needed help. Getting on antidepressants. renovating the house. Renting the house out, Moving to France, Changing her life, FOR ME. So I pay attention. I know that my mom has been through a lot, her issues are not her fault, They have their reasons… She’s trying her best. While she does little things that get on my nerves, I love her. There’s a lot of respect that I have towards her. We’ve traveled through a lot together, And while different, I sympathize, and look up to her. And hope to one day be able to do the same. I keep coming to the realization that I love peo- ple. First it was that I love Michael. Then it was that I love Margaux, and want to ask her about her perspective in life, now it’s that I love my mom. I think I am understanding the power of love in that it is more than something you say to someone to show them that you’re someone with a conventional strong tie to—but that it is so incredibly rare. Of all the 230

my box of memories people in your life, the hundreds, the thousands, you only get to truly love a few. It is emotional. It is respect. ↑MAY 2020↑ APRIL 30 Thinking about how this generation does have a ten- dency, despite what it likes to claim, to complain a lot, and we try to justify the fact that we complain a lot by saying that, oh, it’s the previous genera- tion that has left us with all of this. We do complain a lot, and there are a lot of issues in this world, like global warming, income inequal- ity, racial inequality, systemic issues, corruption, abuse of power, and trickle down economics we really were kind of born into this situation without a say HOWEVER We also tend to forget the fact that we are born into a much easier world then our parents and grand- parents were in several different ways First we were born into pre-existing environments we did not have to worry about building a house or building a city or building a school or building 231

welcome to anything. When we were born, we had access to all of these things: food shelter education nourishment en- tertainment. Yes, it came at a cost. Yes, these sys- tems are imperfect. But these are all human inven- tions that are part of the experience of human life, and there is a bare minimum standard of experience/ culture that you take part in. We do not have to come up with any of these sys- tems all, of these things that have taken centuries to develop. education systems, the curriculums that shapes the classes that we take now, and the struc- ture of elementary to high school to college, is a structure that all we had to do was follow. We do not have to think to invent cars or to invent transportation or to build more highway and build more roads, because we are born into a world in which they already have existed despite being rela- tively modern creations. Our experience of life is practically handed to us at this point. We must not take this for granted and take it upon ourselves to take responsibility for things that we DO have control over and things that we can change and things that we can build and things that we can advance. Perhaps that’s why there is this movement of young people being so progres- sive—this is where our potential lies. April 28 It’s weird how both of my parents decided to leave their families and live somewhere new and have just 232

my box of memories 1 kid with no siblings or anything Because that meant I grew up with both sides of my family living so far away I’m in the picture just enough to visit them, but I’m not completely a part of their lives Maybe that’s why I feel so close to home, my house, to New Orleans, and the people in it. Because they’re my real family. It’s also hard, because I know I can’t have kids that are both mine & my partners, so like, that, & me being raised so far away from everyone makes me feel like the dead end. They did, and by doing that it forced me to be someone outside of just relatives and I got to travel and see different cultures as a kid April 28 Is it healthy to message Sam at 2:45 Is sleeping voluntary, is sleeping a choice? April 27 How do we expand the scope of what counts as natu- ral history? How might being “amateurs” free us from the methodological or conceptual conventions of the sciences in productive ways? How do we queer natural history? How do we decolonize natural history? What potential impediments exist? Yeah idk I don’t think one should be going to art school to expect a career handed to them on a sil- ver platter—even if it’s a top school like Harvard or RISD. Here at RISD, they go by the practice of teaching students how to think & create critically. 233

welcome to You are pushed through open ended prompts in studio environments with access to all these resources. you come here to put thoughts into words and learn how to create with intention. These are things you will be able to use for the rest of your life—regardless of where you end up in your career. It’s the way of thinking, and its versatility, that you are paying for. As well as a pretty good college experience! Tuition, even with the financial aid I receive, has been a huge burden for me. All though at this point (3rd year), i have begun to realize that there is a reason why the education here is so expensive. Yes, it has been commodified. Yes is a result of a corrupt education system in the US, that robs us of inclu- sivity and accessibility of pursuing art & design in higher education. But it’s a gamble, on the premise that the next generation of art & design will not only be guided by—but DEPENDENT on—your gifted per- ception and way of thinking in the field. April 26 Yo. Something about the candle I just lit and the smell of it reminds me of Michaels room. Like his room on the north shore. Smells just like it. April 25 I just need to breathe and remind myself that it is ok to not know how to react to these situations April 24 234

my box of memories You cannot go forward if you’re always feeling be- hind. It’s 8 o’clock. And although we are in quarantine and this is noth- ing compared to a geared up semester schedule, Take care of yourself. Take a night to re-calibrate. You cannot expect to meet up with Tim or hang out with Jack or start your homework, if you are not in the correct mental & rested head space. You need to sleep well tonight. To be at peace. To reconnect with the side of yourself that is clean organized and happy. It’s all in your control. Get out of limbo. Close Indesign for a couple days. Close Illustrator. Don’t have a million things going on. Do one thing at a time. April 24 I miss RISD. I miss being surrounded my people I love. I miss engaging in a dialogue every day. I miss being in- spired by my friends. I miss working at the typeshop and helping people out on projects. I miss feeling like I was part of a community. I miss the collab- oration. I miss the bond between the students and faculty. 235

welcome to April 21 Maybe nostalgia can be used as a device for us to recentre ourselves Perhaps, during every waking moment, Our brain is taking note on how we feel, how com- fortable and confident and fulfilled we are, and every motion to counter them. Because of this, you associate certain things with those emotional responses. Therefore nostalgia is your brain telling you hey— your serotonin levels are lower now than they were when you did_____. Maybe you should go back to that. Our “roots” is not only what we identity with, But what psychological responses we associate with our experience of the world. 236

my box of memories April 21 barber shop. speaker as a fixed position or its re- volving. parallel of the seats chair & seeing sys- tems in the mirror Republican Florence — Dante gets into trouble for criticizing the government. Bookshelf of library of world ie European culture, reading them backwards in the context of the anar- chist republic April 21 Ask for advice from companies even that don’t have internships. How can you take advance of a bad situ- ation to advantage your career. April 21 1. Collecting plants MAP, Camera, notebook, pen.silica gel Teabags Record: collection date & location & habitat & height & spread. I really like the piano music Dry. Store in alcohol ?? Doesn’t this kill it?? Will keep this vid for future reference. pressing. Trim to fit the sheet. Slice fleshy plants Open out flowers to show inside. Pre press in newsprint Then place weights —————— 237

welcome to Letterpress!!! Position of the type. okay My experience of letterpress Two column type Leading Layouts & grids Put woodblock carvings and type being tight Furniture loaded to tighten everything Preparing the ink —rubbery Wood Engravings. Thomas Why still keep using a technique thats outdated? He thinks the nature of the line & the wonderful curves & power Woodcuts counter intuitive Emily Peters Prints @ Risd Museum Printmaking Professor at RISD Drawing, Tracing & Transfer Melt Wax into Place Draw onto of tracing paper into the layer of wax Plate is pushed and moved around but the tool stays stationary Crosshatching patterns Then you place ink into the cuts. Then you wash the ink off the surface. The force of the printing press pulls the ink out. Then you wipe it with your hand. Clear and Crisp. Dawn chorus. Bird sounds being recreated through hu- mans What are birds doing when they’re singing. It’s a form of violence. Don’t come into my territory. 238

my box of memories April 21 Make a TikTok about being close to not being able to see anything in the other eye being open and you can see April 19 Oh boy 2 am 1. The impossibility that is having a chill night these days! I miss non quarantine life. I miss keeping myself busy. Because the problem with staying at home all day is that you expect there to be a certain work to leisure ratio that’s like 3:1 but it’s more like 1:4. I also am incapable of getting comfortable before bed. It’s like I tell myself when I’m about to brush my teeth: ok. Brush ur teeth and go straight to bed. Just lie down and close ur eyes. That’s all u have to do. But lord knows there’s a mil- lion things I need to do beforehand… Fill up water. Put water next to bed. Charge phone. Check remaining notifications. Write down thoughts. Get comfortable. In order to write I must also make myself comfortable to write how I am now. Move fan to bed. Hhhhh 1. The difference between being chronically ahead and chronically behind your responsibilities. I’ve experienced both. But for the majority of my life I’ve been chronically behind, perhaps 239

welcome to this has to do with my birthday being later in the school year. I also think it has to do with the fact that although I was exposed to the mentality of getting work done first in or- der to play afterwards by my dad and by teach- ers it never fully penetrated me to the point to which I truly believed it is because I guess I never understood why I was spending all this time doing this work I wasn’t passionate about in the first place. I wanted to do art. Art was the work I would do AND the play I would do. It takes a certain level of stubbornness to make an artist from birth which is what I was. Stub- born from birth. I knew I wanted to be an art- ist. I knew I wanted to go to nocca so I did. I knew I wanted to go to RISD so I did. I knew I wanted to go to ECAL so I spent 2 years prepar- ing myself for the possibility. Anyway, yes. I always “play” before doing the “work”—and might I clarify that I do not see this stubbornness as being spoiled. I am just confident in knowing what I want in certain sectors and am less con- cerned about the others. But back to the topic. Lately, with quarantine, I feel as though I’ve been “chronically behind” in virtually every aspect of my life. I don’t have an internship so I’m behind career wise. I’m in debt so I’m behind financially. I literally haven’t put much effort into my classes this whole semester so I’m behind academically. Quarantine, so behind socially. And that’s just what life is right now. 240

my box of memories I miss when my structure was dictated by curiosity. 2. I miss when I was stern about the context of my life which lately I have not been disciplining myself on, but that’s okay. 3. More so on the context of my life: There is something strange that I’ve noticed. It is how different life feels in different places re- gardless of how normal the things you might be doing are. You are always changing and feeling different chemically and emotionally and that influences how you perceive the world. When I get ready for bed and spend a night at home, this feels different in Providence than it does in my bedroom in New Orleans than it does in Montgenevre in the mountains or at La Moulotte. Even though both my New Orleans bedroom and my bedroom in providence are both safe spaces I’ve built for myself that reflect aspects of my personality—part of the reason why they feel different is because of their inherent cultur- al & geographical qualities. Rhode Island is up north on the globe. I am in the NorthEast. Surrounded by Boston and New York. I am in a different country up here. Going even further up north, and on the other side of the Pacif- ic Ocean. Is France. Completely different lan- guage, culture, social norms, architecture, history, latitude, altitude (is a big one—the terrain, humidity, all factors) etc. 4. 241

welcome to Going off this idea more. Of being “behind” especially financially and lets say physical- ly as well for now. It’s amazing how different I feel when I have enough food in my system. It’s amazing how different my body looks when I have nothing in it versus when I actually have food in it. It makes sense that a glass of wine knocks me out, it’s because I have nothing in my system, and it is too powerful. It is times like these where I kind of remind myself that this lifestyle is only temporary in my eyes and is only part of my journey to sustenance but for now I’m just doing what it takes to sur- vive. I’m well off definitely which I’m lucky to be able to say. This is why I didn’t really pitch a fit when I found out about ECAL, because I’m far too grateful for so many things in my life that it would be totally bitchy and selfish for me to complain about it not working out. A disappointment, yes. But as I stated before, there is a difference between being spoiled and being stubborn. This would’ve been a great op- portunity there’s no denying it. But my life is also filled with plenty of other great opportu- nities and great people so you can’t complain. 5. I thought about for Ernesto’s book, I need to begin documenting my life right now. There was something very interesting in going on my walk today just thinking about my mom feeding birds in the morning and me making eggs and just her being a silly sleepy queen. When will she ever live in this apartment with me again. Never. Simply begin by walking around the block and 242

my box of memories taking pictures. The simple fact of me being in this environment will dictate what the content is. Because as I’ve said before, the geograph- ical and cultural aspects of the north east are powerful in retrospect to any other place on the globe. I want to travel. But anyway the point is, just begin. April 18 Oh boy 3 am Je ne comprends rien. I feel like there is some greater meaning in life that we all know exists yet refuse to attempt to de- scribe or acknowledge. I saw this video today of a Dali Dreamscape. It was a desert at sunrise with large wooden structures and walking creatures miles high. Quite calming and beautiful but also kinda scary. This guy starts talking about how he’s not a philo- sophical guy but that this “connects with a part of his subconscious” Ok man first of all, Why are you not a philosophical guy. Point is. I see all these videos on specific things Dominoes. Political videos. I see facebook posts. People are angry about some- thing. Complaining about corona. Having no sympathy 243

welcome to for a trump supporter. Memes and jokes. I understand these all have meaning, and intention behind them, but at 3 am my brain no longer sees these thoughts as words but sees them as translations of broader emotions that we all feel as humans. Our passion—curiosity— angers—wonders—desire to survive. My curiosity is insatiable. And I am curious to enter the world of subconscious dream shortly Because its usually quite the roller coaster [dream, redacted] There were other parts to these dreams that weren’t as dark, I vaguely remember be- ing in another world that was very pink and blue and had different physical properties. I also remember something with boys. [redacted] It actually feels really good to write, I feel like I haven’t done this in a really long time, but lis- ten, I’m here at, like I said, 3 am. I should have 244

my box of memories gone to bed 2 hours ago, but hey, at least it’s a consistent 3 am, and also, its friday night, so uh, oh well, just like, make sure you get a good pro- ductive start to your day. or not. just rest, and then see, because you can’t function if you’re not well rested. anyways, yes, I’m here, it’s 3 am, and I just have all these thoughts. like it feels like I’m talking right now, but it then again goes back to this idea of I don’t really think I’m saying any- thing specific right now, even though it might seem like I am. I am really just reflecting themes of hu- manity and the conflict it is, and the adjustment and adaptation that I as a human have had to make to function and operate within the 21st century, which is wild, and I cannot comprehend the amount of in- frastructure and building It has taken to get here. Think about it, there is literally OUTDOOR INFRA- STRUCTURE. It’s not a home, it’s not a restaurant, it’s what you use to go from one place to another. It’s not sheltered. It is out, exposed to the ele- ments all the time, and just lives there permanent- ly, and has required an immense amount of engineer- ing to create. Yet they’ve also been designed to have a particular appearance that allows humans to identify this as a functional object and creation called a “road” or “highway” and we’ve created an entire system, language, voice, aesthetic, personal- ity, for that road, based on road signs, cars, nois- es, lights, etc. which is interesting. Beyond just infrastructure. cities. technology. Are all things that have been built before I was born, and so like I said, what I am saying now is nothing specific, but it simply speaks to the disbelief and depaysagement and how alien I feel to this world sometimes. and 245

welcome to I’m grateful that I do have the ability to put my thoughts into words, but I don’t really think it’s much more than that, which is okay. One last point, this is why art is so important. One of the things art represents to me is a non verbal way of communicating a message. It conveys these very human aspects and forms of self expression. De- sign perhaps is the opposite—conveying and express- ing a very clear message. But I think graphic design can also function as a fine art to some degree. One final point: I wanted to do my little comic book zine page on making tik toks about my cats at 3 am and having a terrible quarantine sleep schedule and like tell- ing myself I’m going to be so productive every day and making coffee and eggs just to do nothing for 3 hours and get ready for my one adventure of the day which is leaving the house to get food at pofo where I’m greeted by 1 people and I just drive home and next thing I know its 10 pm and Its bedtime and then Tiktok and then 3am. What i am feeling tonight is that it is no longer about the small scale detail ideas It is going to have to be about the larger themes It is impossible to keep track of your thoughts over a long period of time. Just how it is impossible to travel—how when you fly you see all these cities and geographies—essential- ly, you experience the limitations of human existence. 246

my box of memories April 14 I’m sick Of asking people for feedback I’m sick of people trying to change what I want to say I’m sick of people telling me my language is too dramatic and then telling me my language is too ab- stract I’m sick of people telling me I don’t focus enough on the classes and the program and then they say I don’t focus enough on my motivations and my work and how their program relates to my work April 11 Alone we have nothing Together we have everything We are all powerful and genuine forces of energies in this life. Every person to have crossed paths with one another is blessed eternally. 247

welcome to I can be present, oh so powerfully present, And then gone. There, then removed, All under my control But ultimately, it is your choice ;) Although I want to stay, I am certainly not afraid to go. Goodbye! Ruedi Baur signalétique du Conservatoire National Supérieur de Musique et de danse de Paris. LINEAR NOTES Designer as a translator Designer as an author Designer as a critic —Resurgence of writing —Book as social media —The diffusion of the author Death of the author & birth of the reader You cannot see a city It has to be imaged by many people at a time, an ev- eryday group hallucination. Pragmatism Epistemology Rick Poyner The Written Image. Poster for exhibition of visual 248

my box of memories work by thesis students Jonathan Barnbrook Royal College of Art “The clean grid of modernity has been formally re- jected by the nihilism of INDUSTRIAL YOUTH CULTURE. Uncorporate Identity Lars Muller Publishers “How does form both conceal and reveal, and how can an object like the iPhone come to represent the po- litical predicament of our day “Some people really like to plan. I don’t. Whatever I plan, I don’t do. The good life plays as improv. ***This is amazing: American Home Life. A novel—Da- vid Barringer. April 10 A book that is the opposite of a book The front and back covers have body text But the pages are like a paragraph, spread out across a bunch of pages with like a single word per page lol Also wow I just got a flashback of the smell under- neath my bed in like sixth grade back when I had a futon a little mattress underneath the bunkbed and the original Christmas lights up just the smell of that futon and I think I remember smelling that fu- ton in the apartment too and when I brought it down into my room I had that really cozy area where I would listen to Christina Grimmie at night around Christmas time and put my feet next to the heater, 249

welcome to and play stupid games on my iPod Handshake and job search apps I have this dream a lot Makes me think about the permanence of death Anyway. He was telling me about all these things he had to do. Get food, get a job, etc, etc, Then he played piano And then we biked all the way to the French quarter and then things started shifting He was biking really slow and I was biking faster so I went ahead of him And I think what I was wearing my feet were tied to- gether? It was weird And I started biking through markets and coffee shops One of them was very American I remember And people were hot And then the next one was very French Just people hanging out Anyways Then I’m at a restaurant and my friends are there I’m looking at a map to see how much further we have to bike Then people are talking about drug deals Nick is there?? Mitzi reaches out from another table and is like y’all want drugs??? Then John is there and asks my mom a question about her online class??? So she starts singing a song??? On a ukulele?? 250