My Entire Life is an Inquiry...but I Know Yours is Too

my box of memories April 8 Despite all of the noise, All of the stress, All of the procrastination, Self doubt, anxiety & frustrations, I always fall deep in love with the world Once the sun sets, At the night’s mid cycle. April 6 I am so overwhelmed by my liberal arts class. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of links and even for someone who is technologically savvy, I’m in GD, this is a lot to manage. There’s like 10 links per email and like 3 emails and I just have no idea what my due dates are anymore. I need to re-read any email like 5 times before actually understanding what I need to do. 251

welcome to April 4 IMPORTANT!!!!!! GOALS While I have had a very slow, unenthusiastic, and generally unmotivated start to online classes, and rightfully so, I am looking at a calendar now and realizing that I am in-fact, not, on vacation, even though it might feel like it. With a solid two months left of the school year, this is plenty of time for me to make a true 180 and completely redefine the way I live my life which I think is something I really want and need deep down, that I can see the seeds of which emerging slight- ly everyday but being overwhelmed by the flow of my pre-existing daily routines. Etienne. It is Spring. Your favorite blossoming sea- son both naturally and personally/physically/emo- tionally. You made amazing work last Spring. It’s when you made the Map of Everywhere, did the ds4 ex- hibition, sat outside on the RISD beach on nice sun- ny days, and nothing is stopping you from doing that right now. Sitting by the canal with a coffee alone while social distancing. My intentions are as such: Today, I have plans to meet up w/ Patrick and watch a movie. It’s Saturday night so go ahead and do it. But after that, I intend on completely focusing on my classes. Because I actually have things due still, I would like to follow a routine schedule in 252

my box of memories which I do homework for my classes as soon as possi- ble, perhaps a couple days after it is assigned. How amazing would it be if I developed a routine of waking up early every day, around 8 or 9 or so, and having my work done by 3pm? That way the rest of the day from 3-7 ish when the sun goes down is mine to relax, talk to guys, go out for a walk, a drive, sit in a park, call my mom, apply for internships, and then at night, I can do a reading from my exten- sive list of readings. Increase productivity. Go to bed at 12. Be healthy. Be consistent with your work. Snap back into it and make this Spring a wonderful last two months of your Junior Year. April 4 Hello, Etienne, I would just like this to serve as a reminder about your relationship with alcohol It’s a good time… until it’s not April 2 I only feel right when I write what I feel 253

welcome to April 2 I’m really grateful that despite all of this madness and drama, I still have access to technology Which can be a blessing...and a curse But at this point, right now at least, I see it as a form of creativity I have music in the background, I’m sending messag- es, doing work, I am focused and concentrated and am going to try to get things done, brightness up all the way. I can see. April 2 I feel weird I would say I feel bad but As tracy marks would say Bad is very general I feel doubtful Confused Betrayed Abandoned Left behind Ignored Empty Overwhelmed Tired Like the list of things I need to do just keeps growing and growing and by the time I actually need to get things done I start getting tired So here’s a record for tomorrow It’s almost 7 pm I’m struggling a lot with consistency at this point Having all of this time to myself, 254

my box of memories I would say that 75 percent of it is not used re- sponsibly. ↑APRIL 2020↑ March 31 I had oddly deep dreams just now A couple I remember are 1, it is Christmas Day and I’m with my mom and French family. We’re shopping for presents At the register you have to stand really far from ppl because covid is still a thing. Another, I’m walking somewhere in the rain I think and this woman and her baby cross paths w/ me She’s trying to give her child a year old shot for something Another I wake up, go to studio, and am alone all day. I go back home and I find my lava lamp on risd’s cam- pus, and someone I think also gives me a can of wine wrapped up in a towel I go home and get in the wrong building and go up the elevator with a girl going to the 7th floor yet I’m only going to the 2nd Anyway, back at home right Hanging outside at night 255

welcome to April 1 Online classes feel dystopic because they maintain the rhythm of having to wake up and “get ready” to be mentally cognizant for a specific period of time, i-e, functioning and critically thinking, as opposed to mindlessly scrolling through tiktoks. It perpetuates the illusion of there being class. 256

my box of memories Although the internet has made it possible for us to see other people and speak and move in real time, it is not real. Although you are mentally in the educational realm, physically you are in your bedroom and have not left that space. 257

welcome to I remember seeing Sophie drive by with two kids who were yelling to me Going on a drive with Doug I think?? Making sure car is clean on highway and talking about the storage space in cars being useless and then he started cry- ing about this pet roach he had Hanging out outside with Audrey, and friends. Jack shows up and is like I’m going to a haunted house wanna come and I was like …no, Audrey went with him and glared at me Go back inside with my glass of wine Trying to go in front of these girls but I’m about to fall and for some reason I’m speaking French Tu sais quoi j’vais vous laisser passer par ce que la…. Merci A en fait vous pouvez fermer la porte? Even though I left 2 seconds later and went through the right stairwell And I’m going up and I run into the cafe that I think I’ve been to before It feels like I’m inside a crystal The cafe is super modern but also super cozy and has really fancy colorful warm lights in the first part and cool crystal lights in the second part I just sit down for a sec and talk with the server being like oh sorry I’m about to leave Just wanted to sit here for a sec this place is so beautiful And she was like ok something something maybe she said she loved my place And I was like yeah definitely have an aesthetic going on. The broke college student aesthetic 258

my box of memories March 29 I am kinda overwhelmed by the things I have to do. Even though I told myself I would stay calm and keep track of my objectives today. A day just seems like such a long period of time, But really, it’s not that much time at all. No day goes as planned. Life is up keeping. In a way it collapses the hierarchy between the de- velopment and final work, and allows the viewer to appreciate the content or the visual impact within the gradient.” 259

welcome to March 29 On a final note, before I go to bed, I suppose this time off is allowing me time to re- flect on things, some unwarranted. Part of me feels as though I am definitely not where I want to be in life I am not yet the person I want to be And see where I am now as a transition phase that’s just lightheartedly experimenting with different things. Part of me just wants to delete my instagram. Delete everything and just figure things out. Let things un- ravel naturally. Make decisions for myself. The lifelong impact of a first love. March 28 This is just to say the following: —That if you feel anxious, it will not last forever —You are very intelligent and able to self-diagnose yourself and prescribe yourself with healthy coping mechanisms and habits —Does working make you feel better because of how emotionally charged it is? 260

my box of memories —Working on my portfolio PDF now. I’m in a sense starting from scratch and creating a new thing for Lausanne. —I want to emphasize clarity, and have it be a com- bination of the portfolio PDF I made for class a couple weeks ago, the refined and simplified version for internships that only has 3/4 projects, the very simplified version I made for global exchange with no text, only images, but like everything. —I like the simplicity of no text. —But I need the text. Since I have no descriptions. —So everything needs metadata and descriptions and process. —Ultimately I’m focusing on these projects: —Photobook —Map of Everywhere —Frutiger poster and postcards —I think Fig Leaf would be good to include —Building Blocks ? —Little Prince —Album Covers. And I just wanted to write this because as I was looking at the PDF for The Map of Everywhere, I just am so impressed by how hard I worked on that project The end result really payed off The colors are sooo vibrant And the topic is just so poetic and like hardcore in a way 261

welcome to March 22 Running down the street car line Salt down the road Hard version of skiing On my way to school there with a bike and Claudine driving bc I was gonna b late. Seeing Lene there. Getting to school taking a bio class. Next class was like middle school extended. Sat next to Audrey. We also slept there. Watched a movie we made when we were younger. I had memorized lines in French like a pro and sad kinda the main character of this film so I’m like taking photos of little me looking way cooler than I thought really was. We start having a discussion on things. Audrey and Elise say some insightful things. Then I jump in on “what is the function of middle school” and i wanted to say to control a group of kids and have the learn from each other or something but literally everyone starting talking right when I spoke so I told them to shut up!!! and Webb was there and he was like lol. Webb was also there in the bio class. He was very bored. The prof was Mark Sherman We’re now going to bed and I’m next to Audrey. Next thing I know I’m in jail I think. Walking around when one of my jail friends comes up to me. Talking about how she’s not tryna get friendly with her lov- er bc she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Then I’m telling her you’re supposed to be thinking about the crime you commited. We’re here might as well use it to be reflective. 262

my box of memories March 17 Pictures are just extensions of what comes through our lives. They are ways for us to isolate the many sensorial factors that contribute to an isolated event. Looking through my camera roll this evening doesn’t really feel like isolated moments though. They might be represented as such But they’re really all connected Because my path through life is connected I do not teleport from location to location I transition from one to the next My mom cleaning with a fabric around her head in the attic with music playing as she sweats in the heat organizing things and things and things Is a very vulnerable moment And it’s kind of sad You can feel how charged this task is for her Her confronting productivity in a romantic, nostal- gic way And the next photo of rose on the worn down hardwood floors We take care of life in this home We exert the pressures of every day life through marks and scratches and piles of things And as much as we create memories within it The house creates us too. The house goes from being used as a welcoming As a space to reflect, to recharge, and to recenter yourself 263

welcome to To becoming a place of preparation The battleground of pre-transition The equipping of clothes, things, survival in the other world Preparing the space to be occupied by others Lights on in the day Function and Practice emphasized over passion, pas- siveness, and natural unfolding and spontaneity Control Strength Fear Change The life in the home we took care of so carefully can feel us losing out grip Can sense the changing functions of the space This preparation of transition And need for survival It begins to miss us It begins to realize how attached it has gotten How dependent it was on our presence A truly reciprocal relationship Art that has given my bedroom life and personality for years Ripped off the walls And next thing you know, I’m on the road. Gone for a long time. Now here I am And the end But also the beginning. 264

my box of memories March 16 It is quite difficult for me to describe what it is that I would like to accomplish with this book. For one, we are in the midst of a spontaneous & un- planned closure of school, in what might perhaps be the approaching climax of COVID. People are moving out, flying across the world, to the extents to which travel restrictions might allow them, classmates are saying goodbye for months if not longer, professors are making arrangements to transition online, under- standing what that might mean, and social media is an explosion of herd-like-mentality. Although we may see the warning signs, one is never prepared for a premature goodbye. This year, I’ve been building upon a relatively versatile document in which I insert: notes I’ve take in classes, resources, planning out days & weeks, and random thoughts that pop into my head. The document is a response to how insanely over- whelming the digital world can be—despite its con- venience—and is an attempt for me to create my own space to store information, while also serving as an exercise in layout & publication as I create my own rules and systems. 265

welcome to I must confess though, that this document is not pristine: it is chaotic, unorganized to a certain degree, interrupted by clear film images of files in my laptop I find intriguing. I am caught in the midst of the process that would normally be an unravel- ing semester yet here it is, coming to an end. I have not yet had the opportunity to sort everything through as things halt to a close. But taking into account how overwhelming the digital world can be, as well as current looming uncertainty, I am instead embracing the disorganization, and am accepting the nature of this document, as well as this period of rapid change, for exactly what it is. MARCH 15 CREATE PHOTOBOOKS OF ALL THE PHOTOS YOU HAVE ON YOUR LAPTOP (THE GOOD ONES OF COURSE). I’M PICTURING LITTLE FOR- MAT KINDS, SERIES KIND KINDA LIKE HOW THESE PHOTOS EXIST UNIFORMLY WITHIN FOLDERS ON MY LAPTOP. 1. RISD PHOTOS 2. FRANZ WORKSHOP 3. FOGGY PROVIDENCE 4. NEWPORT 5. DS2 EXHIBITION 6. THE PORTFOLIO BOOKLET 7. BOOK FOR MARCH NOLA 8. “MY BEST PHOTOS” 9. SUMMER I GUESS 10. “WEBSITE” 266

11. my box of memories SD CARDS ETC MAKE A DOCUMENTARY TYPE FILM WITH PHOTOBOOTH RECORD- INGS OVERLAY MUSIC PART II IN MY OWN WAY RAY LA MONTAGNE WOULD MAYBE BE A COOL CHOICE? March 11 Gays always go to Europe to find themselves. bitch I been found March 10 Watching a Freddie and sam ship video from icarly with true love by pink really hits different at 1 am March 8 Get lost, to find yourself March 3 Printing different colors of houses on different colored paper Printing address / metadata on acetate for houses March 2 I think 267

welcome to What Instagram needs is different pages -Your social page -Your design page -Your attractive people page Now, it’s too many things mixed together. too much content. Ok and then I still wanna go through all of my pic- tures and delete a bunch of them Like starting from September And synthesize everything Go through all my music and delete a bunch of songs Create playlist ↑MARCH 2020↑ Feb 16 Nightmare of being chased by crazy lady who wanted to kill us. I was the only one who survived. Feb 14 Salon du livre Frankfort: publishing capital Feb 14 And on tonight’s note I’ll always come through making the right decisions 268

my box of memories because i am an introspective perfectionist I just can’t be make all of the right decisions all of the time Because in order for good to come, there must be bad In order for growth to emerge, there must be resistance. If I am always comfortable, no growth will occur. So sometimes, we must welcome regression. For life to destabilize itself a little bit For things to enter a natural yet dysfunctional order. The same way my life was merely a few days ago.And I feel like now I’ve got it pretty back un- der control. Sometimes it just takes time We all experience life in a series of cycles I’m trying I will try my best. Always. Goodnight 269

welcome to Feb 13 Look through French songs that start with bass Feb 11 Quick note before I go to bed -You’ll never guess who im seeing tomorrow Bitch you bout to have a hangout session with Lorde? -Girl she’s still MIA. You’ll see tomorrow. -Watching AOC missing u Tbh...I miss u too. There is such sincerity in this little chat. Felt as though I should let him know I miss him, and low and behold, he feels the same way. I feel like the way he punctuated that tbh I miss u too is just a lil quiet quirky honest and sweet. Thinking about the fact that I still love him. Coming to terms w the fact that I will miss him as long as we’re apart from one another. I will never stop loving him or missing him. Distinguish between loving him and be- ing in love. Love is something you feel deep in your heart after spending so much time caring so passion- ately about someone. Why should a breakup mean you have to stop loving someone. That’s not cool. It’s not right. Not healthy. 270

my box of memories Feb 7 Oké.,,,,..... Je suis paralysé Aujourd’hui Mange beaucoup Range beaucoup Document parking lottery Coupe tes cheveux Feb 5 This wild dream I just had Of it being super early in the morning I can’t remember anything about it I just know peo- ple were yelling at me about something There was an animator And then it somehow turned political Bernie and aoc were there Being like, so, are we gonna accept this as accept- able or are we gonna change it? And that’s the nightmare I woke up to with a drenched bed Aoc Speech 10 DAYS TO IOWA, WE HAVE THE MOMENTUM: IOWA CITY RALLY WITH AOC Starts with a story that she told the night before at a town hall. Having this fear and anxiety that comes with getting older of not having gone to the doctor in awhile so she saved up her tips Shows up with a bag full of cash. 271

welcome to Because I had just showed up to the doctor with a bag full of cash just to be told that I needed some- thing I couldn’t afford to know if something was wrong with me or not. By the way what do you do? I said “I’m running for congress.” Laughter, but she says in the moment she felt humil- iated, embarrassed. What does some poor waitress, what’s someone like that doing running for office? Exact opposite of power. Felt too big for her bridg- es. Googles Free Doctor. Found 1/2 free clinics. Waited 4/5 hours. Showed up at 8am. She saw her neighbors and people that didn’t look like they needed to go to a free clinic. Seen by the generosity of med students. Everything was fine physically, But that system is not fine. No other country has a system that is as greedy and nonsensical as the health care system in the United States. >Her tone is very important here. She sounds kinda funny at first and trying to be relatable to tie you in. Then she rips it all up by calling out how unacceptable the system is. Decency in the 21st century. No matter what, time advances. We decide if society 272

my box of memories advances with it. But just because the clock ticks doesn’t mean progress occurs. ALIGNED w/ the century we live in. Unrealistic vs Losing It’s not that we can’t, it’s that we’re scared. I’m sick of being scared. I want to solve these issues. Once and for all. We should not be scared of what will happen if we try We should be scared of what will happen if we don’t. Lower life expectancies/ lower income projections/ health w/ newer generations. NATION IN DECLINE. MORE WAR / MORE FOSSIL FUEL / Wall Street/ BIG PHAR- MA / WILL NOT GET US OUT. MOVEMENT/ ROOTED IN JUSTICE / ECONOMIC PROSPERITY. MEASURE ECONOMY BY INDIVIDUAL GROWTH. The cost of living going up. No person should be too poor to live!! What is so controversial about that?? I DON’T KNOW!! ME NEITHER GIRL!! What is in it for me? No, we need to start asking what are they doing for my neighbor? All of these systems are connected. It’s not about bold policy proposals, we need to have medicare for all, but in order for that to work we need to for- give students loan debt so doctors aren’t crushed by debt. Living wage / dignified jobs / millions/ decarbonize the economy & rebuild American infrastructure. Environmental policy advances when we center history of indigenous people. It means questioning our basic logic & assumptions. 273

welcome to Question normality. I don’t like talking about the president much… I mean…who does... Chants: Lock her up (that phrase came from some- where) What this society does to people. Culture of mass incarceration… Questions that go deeper than politics. When people’s quality of life is in decline, When billionaires coexist with some of the highest rates of poverty since the Great Depression, Despair & Addiction. The logic of our society is freeing It means we need to write a new story for ourselves. How we join hands. It’s not just about how we win, It’s about how we heal. “From our bodies, to this land, we are going to need new paradigms of public policy in order to heal”. If anyone says its unrealistic, look at space force lol a whole lot of math not adding up on their end either It is audacious, it is bold, it is a risk. I’m not here to tell you it’s not a risk Hedge our bets? More of the same. Same has not been helping any of us. We get what we organize for! All of us have power in this moment. Acknowledge it in ourself. This current status THRIVES on us being powerless. 274

my box of memories Powerless in the same way I felt in the exam room with my doctor. But three months later I defeated the 4th most pow- erful person in our congress. We have to use it. Don’t demand less for our lives. Feb 4 Hi Ed, I just wanted to bring something up to you regarding Amy’s downstairs — since my room is right above their kitchen I can hear and feel their doors slamming every morning as they go in and out to take out trash and restock. I try to just go to bed early / sleep with noise canceling headphones so it’s been manageable. I was just wondering if there’s a chance they could install a door closer or something so it doesn’t slam shut every time. I realize they have a business to run so I know there’s not much you can do, just wanted to bring it up to you before letting them know. -- At the beginning of 2020, I woke up at 7am after coming back from France. I would wake up, cook eggs, toast, coffee, and cere- al. I’d watch YouTube videos while I ate And kept my room clean and listened to music and was organized. I went to bed early feeling as though I had a satis- fying day. Fast forward only a few weeks, and here I am going to bed at 2,3,4,5, 45 minutes later each night it seems. I don’t eat breakfast. 275

welcome to I just wake up lay in bed for 30 minutes contemplat- ing falling back asleep I make coffee And it’s already 1:30. I don’t like my hair now, My wardrobe is a hot mess, I have half of my life still in my car. I’ve been extremely forgetful, (id left on desk, locked out of typeshop, all these Connecticut and Newport trips scattering me, grindr ruining my life, anxiety about my ex, about thank you cards, about conflicting perspectives I am hungry I am not energized I am tired I take my time waking up because I have nothing to wake up FOR... Always gotta bring it back to AOC. AOC Speech: I’m still alive! Although I’m doing ok, Although I’m fine, This system is not fine. Going to bed late and being lazy is creating a messy lifestyle And I think things are approaching a breaking point; This is the end of a cycle. (hopefully) I have gone from responsibility, to my natural state with no inhibitions or limitations. The state I would be in if no one told me what to do. I think this is the natural breaking point—this is where I stop allowing things to get worse and begin 276

my box of memories to take preventative action and steps to reverting back to being put together, because I cannot handle this ↑FEBRUARY 2020↑ Jan 31 Just thinking about, how now, because I have this keyboard, and I’ve been playing it everyday, what it is going to be like throughout the semester to have this outlet… now in my room… I already feel so much emotional relief after playing just now—and I start- ed to think about the last period in my life when I had this piano at home. The upright at home. Senior year of High school. Piano was therapeutic for me. And I think the musical aspect was really import- ant for my art. It implemented itself as a lifestyle into the voice of my art. Playing an instrument be wild like that. But anyway. Hoping that it will pos- itively influence my semester in GD. Was thinking about how great it is that I have all these outlets, like piano, music, art. Jan 31 Ok here’s the deal It’s very late because I went ot bed past 3 last night. I wasn’t even doing anything, I just got home very late, and then made cookies with jack and des- tiny until 1, and I need me wind down time, regard- less of what time it was. Anyway, I got my sleep but started today off feeling awful. Really don’t know 277

welcome to what to do. I don’t have that much of an appetite, I feel lazy, and it’s already 1:30. So I’m trying to see what the protocol should be for today. I feel like I’m always so busy but I’m not even accomplish- ing anything measurable. --- Waking up right now 12:30 pm I slept from 8:30-12oo with the white noise head- phones Really blocks out the noise though I will say. The minute I take them off I hear banging Anyway I look at myself in the mirror And see, a mess I see a face that still looks tired I see an outgrown hairstyle I think about all these trends I’m missing out on Think about how a lot of it has to do with money Not being able to afford better clothes Better haircuts Better products Better food Jan 30 7:22 am Tired af Doors Amy slamming 278

my box of memories January 29 1. Searching for a connection with people 2. Freedom to make work about whatever you want 3. Raised in education centered family 4. Being prepared to have work to show 5. Be good with money 6. Connections are going to be outside of your circle. 7. Let the world surprise you, don’t script too much. 8. Family in work. Make work bout family. 9. Last photo taken of mother, first photo taken of son. Cycle. Connections. 10. Look for opportunities in different plac- es. 1. Shoot your life, that becomes your work. 90,000 in theory vs 30,000 in your pocket. These r big numbers dude. Trifecta: book u gotta publish, having a gallery. Having an agency. Importance of personal and financial success. Knowing with confidence how much you want to ask for. 2. To read art you need a dictionary: polariza- tion. Jan 28 Time is forever lingering over our shoulders 279

welcome to Basically small talk until you have to go because at soon as the clock strikes 11:30 he’s out Our internal clock is all knowing You know I might be tired while I’m out doing things but sometimes that’s better than sitting not doing anything. Because I get distracted so easily. And it’s like I would like to just chill out from time to time but it sucks especially when I know that I’m just chilling out IN ORDER to procrastinate doing something that I know I’m capable of doing and get- ting done. Especially lately, as I’m learning that life is really measured not by what your capable of, but what you DO, what you ACCOMPLISH. Jan 27 The extremely powerful experience just now for me that was logging into Tumblr. If you think about it, “a photo archive” on contem- porary is the early stages of what became my web- site. I had the e logo, and everything was a large format intended on giving projects the attention they de- served. Anyway, Logging into Tumblr just now I remembered the emails I used to use: [email protected] [email protected] I remembered creating an email specifically so that I could get back on Tumblr and start fresh I remembered freshman year, creating specific times in which I would go on Tumblr and listen to new mu- 280

my box of memories sic. Most of the time alternative music. And that’s how I developed my music taste foundation year and created that playlist called risd faves. And how that music became associated with all of these as- pects of foundation year like working in the wood shop late at night working on my instrument and sight of sound project and nature project. I remem- bered going home for thanksgiving break and seeing Michael and having the brown sweater I’m currently wearing, for the first time. I remembered my freshman dorm. I remembered Michael and I’s relationship and how we used to send each other funny Tumblr posts and how I missed that. I miss him a lot. And even before that, contemporary was the begin- ning of the life I have now: It was the start of me taking myself seriously as an artist. Documenting my work and creating a platform for it that I could share with other people. Photographs turning into great photographs. High school. Curiosity. Drawing. Editing them with enlight And all of the periods within my archive: winter 2016, singing with Shelbi, going to noma with Elena, spring, hanging out with Simon, spring break drinking wine with Audrey, or a year later drinking in my room with Ava. Christmas lights in my bedroom. Watching Damon & Jo. All of these things and all of these memories. These doors had been closed for awhile, for the sake of efficiency and for the sake of being able to focus on myself, my goals, and my responsibilities in the present. But a simple act—putting in the email for my old Tumblr account to find something to put on a thank 281

welcome to you card for Henry’s prof practice class—opened those doors right back up. My life is really picking up I’m realizing This year is unraveling very very very quickly Things are happening Are being thrown at me Visit after visit After Visit Annalise Dante My mom Eunice and Kelsey Going to Stratford Going to Newport Going to Providence Driving Bus Biking New classes starting soon Overlapping with my moms visit Being tour guide and student at the same time Who will I get dinner with How will her living at Destiny’s work out? What weekends will I get Brunch with guys Stephanie Leaving Nights w Jack Meeting all these people through New York trip Writing them Thank you’s 282

my box of memories Creating all of these connections I wouldn’t say they’re very powerful connections I mean They were pretty orchestrated by Henry, But they are connections nonetheless. All of these new avenues opening up for me, Needed to apply for internships, Having a portfolio website That finally I’m becoming very proud of Jan 25 Document Fig Leaf Document parking lottery. Make motion graphics for website. It would look so good.MAKE MOTION GRAPHICS FOR WEBSITE IT WOULD LOOK SOOOO GOOD!! Jan 25 2020 Idk I know people might care about me But also I’m just not really used to people really caring about me Freedom is a blessing in terms of independence But why do we get insulted when someone really cares? I’m just trying to live my life, And when something makes me happy I try to really listen to it. And I’m pretty happy right now. So i take your concern into consideration but want to let you know I am okay. ^Idk who this was to. 283

welcome to Jan 25 Being here (boston?) is bringing back so many memories When I came here when michael and i first started talking When I came here wintersession if freshman year During my darkroom class When I came during my photo intensive class ������������������������������ This setup These rooms This life I’m living Full of art Full of love Full of passion So much intensity for a little human like me 284

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welcome to Jan 21 Okay I just wanted to say that taking this trip to New York has almost re-electrified some of my passion and inspiration. I’m seeing potential for lifestyle choices really everywhere I look, and I feel like I’m really learning a lot about how I would like to live my life. So, I am just going to journal a bit about what I have been noticing, this itself being part of that lifestyle choice.. 1. I am inspired by intelligent people. I am ex- tremely drawn to wit, intelligence, personali- ty, and the way someone uses words with confi- dence. Confidence is a big one. Going to improv in New York, and seeing these extremely confi- dent people just make stories up on stage and make a room full of people lol is something I want to do. Seems like a superpower almost. Having that social mastery gives you an advan- tage in almost any kind of social situation. Destiny on this trip for example—her person- ality really came out and I loved absolutely everything she said. She is critical, sharp, poignant. She is judgmental but not through an inflated ego ego and knows when to be crit- ical of herself, too. It is not always with other people which I think is extrelemy honest and I value honesty. I love hearing AOC have the bravery to formulate her thoughts around these really big issues. But also in how these 286

my box of memories thoughts are informed by the life that you live that the experience you have. That’s why life for me was so hard in high school. It feels good to have new meaning in life and to be able to say that I have moved on and learned new things. I am so grateful for the life that I live, my personal path, and how it informs what I speak about because it is going to be so unique. 2. Going off on this. New York, and Destiny, taught me that it is important to put yourself out there. That life isn’t going to give you anything for not doing anything. That speaking is important. That having conversations is im- portant. That building connections is import- ant. Even when you’re tired. Even when your sleepy, hungry, sick, hungover, whatever. Life: first. Efficiency: first. Likeability: first. Pro- ductivity: first. Work hard. Speak. Ask ques- tions. Think. Be bold. Be brave. Be fearless. And learn how to do all of this while being yourself and doing it in your own way. Don’t sit and complain. Don’t wait for things to change. Don’t settle for less. Exceed your own expectations. 3. Bedtime routine. I think it would be beneficial to refine my bedtime routine to include night time relaxation in which I watch a show or something with a story. Light a candle, sit in bed, drink tea. Important part of this routine: write. Journal. I miss writing like this. 4. For thank you notes: create a system so that they can all be created in a similar way. Get them done soon. 287

welcome to 5. Honestly being in New York during this trip has taught me so much. About the city and about the people. It feels like an obstacle for me to overcome now. But it also seems too easy for me at the same time especially now that I’ve seen these artists and heard them speak. I feel com- pletely capable of doing it all. Perhaps easi- er said than done. But I understand everything they said there was never a moment where an artist said something and I was like oh that seems impossible. So like basically what I m saying is that not only am I going to work in New York, but Paris too. Maybe LA as well. I am going to conquer both of those cities. Because they are both so beautiful. I am a city boy once again. I feel like myself again. I feel like something has clicked in me and things have come full circle in a very different way. I’ve changed a lot and am much smarter now. And I’m going to be a great graphic designer. Notes tonight 1. Everyone has been telling me that I’ve changed. 2. Jack has told me that this New York trip has inspired change. He also said the same thing after Paris. That I seem more confident. I defi- nitely feel this aura of confidence. Met Desti- ny’s mom yesterday and she was asking me about really personall stuff, and I was like okay you wanna start asking me about my life? Go ahead. So I just rolled with the punches, she told me to forgive my dad for dying. I said, I don’t really hold anything against him, so bye. She asked me when I figured out when I liked guys. 288

my box of memories I said, you know, when most people realize. I asked her when she realized, and I said, prob- ably around that same age. She said they’ve never seen someone talk to her like that. Jack said that I almost need to travel to these dif- ferent places so that I come back and see my current living situation with new eyes. I com- pletely agree. These past two trips to New York and Paris / France have taught me a lot. I talked to Corinna tonight and she was like you seem so calm titi and I think that calmness is part of the confidence. I am at peace with life. And I am choosing my words very deliberately. 3. I like it when people tell me they definitely sense I’ve changed. Because often times I can feel it as well. This is getting into psycholo- gy, and the very microscopic changes that occur in someone’s personality, but that as people, we notice almost immediately in our peers. 4. I am in processing vacation mode right now. New York really inspired me — living in a city really inspires me. I remember when I was in Paris with Maxime and went to Bolivar, all of the cultural differences became activated in my brain. I realized that I am completely a dif- ferent person in the city, especially when I am speaking a different language. I need to find a balance between working hard and being calm and taking care of myself. Hopefully the two can inform each other. 289

welcome to Jan 18 Gitterman Gallery — for when back at risd, realizing that being well rested has always been my priority and that I for the most part take it pretty easy. And the intensi- ty of New York is making me realize that changing my priorities is necessary in getting things done and that things are simply not going to be handed to me ● maintain good connections ● Catch 22 ● Luxury market. Gallery Brands you. Get in the top ones. Get in the Whitney. Become interna- tional. ● Group shows: meet peers ● El Perez. ● Better to take 10 years with a clean slate? ● If risd is part of this luxury market I under- stand why tuition is so expensive: it is a pass into this market but only if you play the right cards. ● Find galleries that have taken other risd stu- dents ● Exchange work with your friends now ● Think about the timing of your work. Send out newsletters to everybody. People talk. Keep it simple. Don’t send work to gallery. Be recom- mended. ● Russell NORMA looking again Jan 9 The darkroom is an emotionally charged place Similar to that of New Orleans 290

my box of memories I think I really found a part of myself in that class I just really enjoyed it and did my own thing I have such specific memories There is the story version of your experiences in life The version that is filtered in order to appeal in a social setting When talking to a friend or to a crowd You talk about specific encounters Things you find humorous And then the personal version of that story One that takes all aspects of your life into account The darkroom, to me, represents so much ↑JAN 2020↑ 291

Etienne Adams DP 2021 Advised by Paul Soulellis Set in LFT Etica Mono & Lunatix OT 292