Out of The Mommy Box

151 of 295 me bits and pieces what I pieced together to get the whole picture. \"Storytime,\" I said clapping my hands. I scooted back towards the headboard on the bed and crossed my legs. It was my usual sitting style. I was used to doing it with the kids at school. He chuckled, \"I could use one of those.” \"I'll start from the beginning, that's how all stories should start,\" I cleared my throat dramatically, wanting to be amusing for his benefit. \"My mom says she knew she wanted to be a lawyer since she was a little girl.\" I said, similar to how I knew I wanted to be a teacher at a young age. \"Two dead beat grandparents, her father's parents, only fueled that desire. I said. \"It's probably why she's so rough, sarcastic, and cynical today.\" I muttered. \"They did a number on her. They did the bare minimum when it came to taking care of her because they didn't like my mom's mom,\" I said. \"the woman who married their son.\" I added for clarification. Rowan shook his head. \"They would beat her for stupid reasons, and she grew up hating that she couldn't do anything about it. Essentially, she was helpless.\" I don't think there's a word my mom hated more than that one. \"So, she decided to study hard to get scholarships to achieve her dreams of being a lawyer. That way, she could fight for those who can't fight, the helpless, and get the bad guys into the jail where they belong.\" Hearing her say that as a little girl made her my hero. She would look at me, hug me

152 of 295 tight, and say, \"I'm cleaning up the streets for you Saige. If I win this case, it's for you, they're all for you.\" Over the years, her sense of justice has obviously become warped. \"On the other hand, my dad comes from a family of lawyers. It was expected that he would follow in their footsteps.\" \"Did he ever want to be anything else?\" he asked. \"No, he said thinking about anything else was a dangerous thought he couldn't afford. Years later, they met in law school. He says her strength, ambition, and drive caught his interest in the classes they shared and the way she carried herself on campus.\" I said, chuckling at the way he would describe her. \"She dominated discussions, intimidated those whose opinions differed from hers and triumphed in mock trials. She was brilliant to him, a woman capable of complementing him.” Rowan nodded, \"I could see that. He's the water to her fire and vice versa.\" No one could ever have the effect my dad has on my mom. \"He broke up with his current girlfriend, he said it wasn't really going anywhere, to pursue her instead. Behind all that hurt and anger, he said he saw something priceless. He could see them being a duo, fighting together for justice.\" \"Hm,\" Rowan said. \"I can relate to that somewhat,\" he said. \"I know she's your mom, but I never would've imagined you would look like her and be like her so much.\"

153 of 295 I scrunched up my nose, \"We do?\" \"You do,\" he said. \"Another thing we have in common is that our husband's family don't like us,\" I scoffed. \"My grandma never liked my mom, my dad's entire family actually, she basically came from nothing and made herself into something.\" \"That is pretty commendable.\" \"Yeah,\" I said. \"She says she was surprised she found love, she figured she would die alone, childless and without a husband.\" I said. \"She's so morbid sometimes.\" I added, shaking my head. Don't ever invite my mother to watch a comedy movie, she would ruin it. You'd come out of the theater feeling depressed rather than vice versa. \"Given her character, it takes a special type of man to keep up with her. Your dad is it,\" he said. I laughed to myself, \"Life really is circular. We really aren't that different; I found a man willing to keep up with me. I never thought that would happen.\" He shook his head softly. \"I'm glad it happened, it takes a special woman to go through something like this with such poise, elegance, and class. You've been amazing baby; I don't think I've told you that enough.\" I smiled, sliding myself off the bed to walk towards him, \"I'm just following your lead. I know this has not been easy. Your strength is helping me be strong.\" I sat on the arm of

154 of 295 the chair and leaned over to kiss his forehead. I caressed his face, loving the softness of his beard. Tiny cuts could be found from the razor. I grabbed his hand and intertwined it with mine. \"Can I ask you something?\" he asked, slowly pulling away to look up at me from his low position. \"You know I hate when you ask me that,\" I said. \"My crazy mind goes on overdrive and thinks all sorts of insane things. \"Just ask Rowan.” \"About what your mom said, I wasn't wrong... right?\" he asked. \"We don't keep secrets from each other... that's just not what we do. I was expecting you to back me up or something...\" he trailed off. He looked up at me expectedly, waiting for the reassuring answer he wanted to hear. I was stuck. But I wouldn't lie to him. \"Saige?\" he said when I didn't say anything. \"I—I don't think any of us would do it with bad intentions if we did,\" I said, clearing my throat to clear away the guilt. \"My first instinct would be to keep a secret if it meant protecting you.\" I said softly. \"What would you be protecting me from? The truth?\" he asked confused. \"Either way, I'll still get hurt once I find out you hid something from me. Just hurt me with the truth, don't comfort me with a lie Saige,\" he said. \"You know how I

155 of 295 feel about your protective methods,\" he said sighing. \"What am I going to do with you Saige?\" he leaned his head backward. Leave me when you've found out what I did. \"Everything is not so black and white Rowan.\" I said defensively, leaving the chair's arm to return back to the bed. We needed some space between us. Rowan chuckled, \"That's something I would say to you.\" \"I do listen to you know,\" I said, rubbing my arm. \"My ears work perfectly fine.” \"So, can we agree not to have secrets from each other?\" he asked. \"No matter how big or small something is, we'll share it, talk about it, and move on from it together. Can we agree to that?\" he asked. He was leaning forward on the chair with his hands clasped. I was hesitant. \"Your mom brought up an important point Saige, the prosecutors are going to be digging through every piece of our past,\" he said, bringing reason to this conversation. \"They're going to bring up things we've both done, anything they can get their hands on their going to use against me— against us. I just don't want there to be any surprises weakening our case.\" He had a good point. Chris and Jamal couldn't have hired a more ruthless team of lawyers. They were out for blood. I got off the bed and started walking around the room. \"There

156 of 295 is something I haven't told you.\" I didn't want to be the reason my husband lost this case and faced up to 30 years in jail. That was a burden that would finally crush me. \"Really Saige,\" he said sighing. He rubbed tiredly at his eyes. \"I must've looked like an idiot out there then,\" he said pointing out the bedroom door. \"saying we don't keep secrets when you've been keeping secrets from me,\" he said, pointing at himself. \"I'm not keeping secrets,\" I said. \"It's a secret, just one!\" I said holding up a finger. My walls were coming up, defending me from the truth of his words and imminent pain. \"Come on, this is not the time for technicalities,\" he said, looking up at me from where he sat on the chair. \"What it is?\" he asked. I can't read minds. He knew that. I knew that. But, if I had to guess Rowan was probably thinking I made a secret expensive purchase, underwent more psychological trauma yet hid it, did something back in college or even while we were broken up for those six months. Regardless of what he was thinking, it could never come close to the truth. \"Whatever it is we're going to need to tell your dad. They could potentially use that as a motive for why I would need to steal the money.\" I need to sit down, my legs felt like jelly. Rowan waited for me, I played with my fingers like a guilt-stricken child ready to be reprimanded. I grabbed my

157 of 295 pillow and squeezed it against me for support, I wasn't going to get that from Rowan tonight. When I didn't say anything, he repeated my name again. \"Saige,\" he was getting annoyed and impatient with me. I buried my face in the pillow real quick, angry at myself for waiting so long and letting it come to this. I came back up, \"I had a miscarriage! Okay? That's my secret, my only one I promise!\" I yelled, letting the truth come out after almost a year. My body trembled with the shock of saying it aloud, it was betrayed that I shared such a private and intimate secret that we shared. It messed up and now I had to share its fault.  \"What?\" he asked stunned, clearly taken aback. \"You had a miscarriage?\" His hands dropped down. \"Yes Rowan, I had a miscarriage!\" I said, standing up and suddenly feeling angry at him. Didn't he hear me the first time? It was easier to blame him than blame myself. It wasn't fair. Men didn't have to deal with this. They didn't know what it was like to form a connection with a child in the womb. They didn't understand the feeling of loss and deprivation from losing a part of you, especially a part of you that you didn't realize you had until it was gone. I didn't just lose a baby, I lost our baby, that was growing inside of me and depending on me to protect it and nurture it. I failed our baby. I failed Rowan. I failed El. My body failed me therefore I failed myself.

158 of 295 \"I lost a baby—our baby, the one you've been begging me for! That's my secret, okay?\" I dropped down on the bed, feeling a suffocating pain. I blinked back the tears wanting to fall. There were still more left? I thought I was all cried out. \"A miscarriage,\" Rowan repeated. \"A miscarriage. \"He slumped down in the chair and covered his mouth with his hand. \"A miscarriage.\" \"Can you stop saying that?\" I asked, hating the word coming from his lips. He was making it more real, it's like it just happened, which was far from the truth. \"When?\" he asked, looking downwards at the carpet. Great, he couldn't stand to look at me. I was repulsive. \"Almost a year ago?\" I whispered, hoping wouldn't hear but I knew he would. His hearing was impeccable. I squeezed the pillow tighter; I've opened a shaken can of soda. It was about to explode. \"You've been keeping this from me for a year?\" he asked, his voice increasing its pitch with disbelief. \"A year Saige? Really?\" he asked, abruptly lifting himself off the chair. \"Really?\" he asked. \"We've spent the last year sleeping in that same bed,\" he said pointing at our bed. \"talking about everything and anything and not once—not once did you think to tell me this? Did I not deserve to know?\" he asked, raising his voice. He didn't raise his voice often. It was his turn to walk around the room, “I want to ask why but then again I don't want to. You'll just blame it on being scared or blame it on not wanting to hurt me—\"

159 of 295 \"That's exactly why!\" Why was that not a legit reason? I did want to protect him. Rowan wasn't invincible, he hasn't built a tolerance or resilience to things like this. The worst thing to happen to Rowan in his entire life is realizing his birth mother wanted nothing to do with him. The rejection stung but he moved on. What about me? I was raised in a household where I was given everything, I could ever want except my parents’ unwavering attention and unconditional love. I was raped, my innocence ripped out of my hands. I was pregnant at 17. I spent months attending court hearings and testifying at trials, reliving that night over and over again. I was trying to focus on school so I could graduate and apply for scholarships. I was trying to find a job. El was delivered prematurely and spent weeks in the hospital because he couldn't breathe properly. I hate to compare or ask, \"Who's had a worse life?\" But if you measured them on a scale, I would unfortunately triumph. Resiliency was a part of me, it's who I was. I've learned to take the blows. I was willing to take this one if it meant Rowan didn't have to. \"Well I am hurt Saige!\" he continued to yell. \"I've been hurting all week and now this is just the hurt of all hurt! How could you not tell me this?\" he asked. How could you-—you my best friend, my wife do this to me?\" he asked. \"Me Saige,\" he repeated, pointing at his chest.

160 of 295 \"Really?\" he asked, clenching his jaw. \"I can understand if you needed a day or two, a month even to process and come to terms with it but a year?\" he asked, making direct eye contact. \"You've waited a year to tell me and it's not like you even wanted to. You weren't going to if this had never happened. I would be in the dark forever, never knowing I lost a baby.” Rowan pinched the bridge of his nose, \"I hate this I really do; all these questions are coming to my mind—so many things I want to ask,\" he said shaking his head. \"The one that bothers me the most is, what else have you been hiding? If you can hide something of this magnitude for a year then—\" \"Don't do that!\" I said, jumping up from the bed. We were directly facing each other now. I pointed at him, touching his chest. \"Don't make it seem like I have a habit of keeping things from you because I-I d-don't!\" My lips were starting to quiver. \"This isn't an everyday thing, I don't make a habit of keeping things from you, you know that!\" \"Do I?\" he asked. \"I thought we never kept secrets but apparently I'm an idiot for thinking that was a thing,\" he said \"I'm such an idiot,\" he chuckled softly. \"How could I not know? How didn't I see this?\" I was losing him to his own dark thoughts. The same ones that plagued my mind. \"Honestly Rowan, I didn't want to hurt you, I don't know what more to say than that. I know how badly you wanted a baby and I know how disappointed you'd be with me—\"

161 of 295 \"Everything is not about you Saige!\" he yelled louder, scaring me and himself. I took a step back. He turned around towards the wall, leaning his head against it. He gently banged his head against the wall, muttering words to himself before turning back around. \"You make up the craziest explanation to justify your actions, why would I be disappointed with you? Huh?\" What could you have possibly done to make it your fault? Huh?\" he asked, pointing at me repeatedly. \"Stuff like that makes me think I'm doing something wrong when I'm not. I know I'm not. I'm confident that I'm not,\" he said. \"I don't like that Saige, I'm supportive, I'm caring, and I love you,” he said, hitting his chest. \"I'm here to endure things like this with you. We're a duo, so why are you trying to kick me off the team like I'm a bad player?\" he asked, laying his hand against his chest. “Why?\" The conversation was taking a turn in another direction. Rowan was getting emotional which was making me get even more emotional. His throat was clogging up with emotions. He covered his eyes with his hand, \"You could've told me,\" he said. \"You could've.\" he said in a softer voice. \"He uncovered his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. His hands rested on his hips. \"We both know you could've told me,\" he bit his lips to keep from sobbing. \"We would've cried together, hurt together, and been sorrowful together,\" he said, his voice was breaking. \"But we would've endured it together. You were protecting yourself, running away from the truth was easier than facing it. You took the easy way out.\"

162 of 295 \"What do you want me to say?\" I asked, throwing my hands up in the air. \"Sorry, I'm so sorry Rowan.\" I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. \"Sorry isn't good enough this Saige,\" Tears were falling out of Rowan’s eyes as he grabbed a pair of sneakers. \"It'll never be... not this time,\" he sniffled as he grabbed a pair of socks from the drawers, careful to maintain a reasonable distance from me. \"Rowan,\" I said, trying to reach for him but he pulled away, rejecting my touch. He wanted nothing to do with me right now. \"So much for no secrets.\" he scoffed as he grabbed a jacket. He was heading out for a marathon around the neighborhood. ___________________________ Did you know? Rowan has never been this disappointed. He has never felt this betrayed. He has never felt such a loss. He started running but realized he couldn't keep going. He didn't have it in him. He didn't have the strength tonight. Instead, he spent all night in the car wishing he could have held her or him in his arms; wishing he could express his love for him or her; wishing he could trade places. He would give his life in a heartbeat.

163 of 295 31. Come Back To Me Secrets have a way of dividing people in ways you would never understand until after the damage is done. El took the news easier. His response was, \"That's sad, I'm sorry mommy,\" He hugged me tightly, making me better than before. It was necessary to share the news with El to help explain Rowan's distance with me especially. Rowan refused to come to bed some nights, \"What's the point?\" he asked. \"We both know I'm not going to actually sleep.” My parents met with Rowan regularly, it was then he divulged parts of his past that were unknown even to me. Rowan was very involved in high school. It was something we had in a common. I was more of an athlete, choosing to do cheer, swim, dance, and softball. However, he worked in the backgrounds. In school, he was the backup pianist for the chorus group, the cinematographer for the all the film club's major productions, and one of the mentors for the football team. Outside of school, he was the assistant coach to a little kid's basketball team. One of the kids, Tony, always used to call him dad. The other kids made fun of him for it. Toby was white and Rowan was black. The other kids said that would never happen. Ignoring them, Tony kept calling him dad. They kept in contact for a long time. Nowadays, he still texts

164 of 295 Rowan from time to time. Additionally, he volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club during the summer while working at a nearby gym. At the last meeting, my mom shared some of her findings. She dug around the Internet, called in some favors, and used her connections to discover parts of Rowan's past and family history that he may not have known about. Although he didn't know about most of them, the prosecutors would and catch him by surprise. I always did admire her thoroughness in everything she did. Rowan's birth mom, Miriam Aldridge, was currently living in a small town in Ohio. She was unmarried, living in a hotel and working two jobs: a waiter at a small inn and a janitor at a local high school. The prosecutors could previously claim the embezzled funds were to help improve her living conditions and overall lifestyle. However, Rowan hasn't had any connection with her in years. She made it very clear that she adopted him for a reason and wanted nothing to do with him. The bad experience he had trying to reconnect with his mother strongly influenced his decision to not reconnect with his father. Bruno Harley was currently married to Leah Harley, formerly Leah Wilson. He had his own construction company and she worked as an accountant for a huge law firm in Virginia. Their two kids Duncan Harley, who was 21, and Lilian Harley, who was 16, stayed out of trouble. Their records were clean. The only black sheep in the family was Calvin Harley, Miriam and Bruno's, second child together. There was a two- year difference between the two. Like Rowan, he was put up

165 of 295 for adoption except Rowan was adopted while he was a baby. Calvin remained in the foster care system until he was 18 then he in and out jail until he was 21 for petty thefts. From his obituary, my mom learned he died two years ago in April. At age 22, he was finally getting his life together and planning to propose to his fiancé. To this day, the cause of death hasn't been determined. Rowan didn't even want to take a minute to take it all in and let the news process. \"Are you sure you don't want to stop here did today?\" asked my dad, understanding the weight of this revelation. \"No thank you, time is a luxury I don't have,\" he said seriously. My mom's eyes widened in surprise. Stopping led to thinking and thinking to feeling. I think he had enough feeling these past few days. ___________________________ Did you know? El slightly feels responsible for the loss of his baby brother. He doesn't know if it's a girl or a boy, but he likes to think it's a boy. Although his mom reassured him that it wasn't his fault, he thinks he had something to do with it. Maybe he hugged her too tightly, slowly squishing the baby. Maybe he made her worry too much or used too much energy to take care of him.

166 of 295 32. Give Him Time When my dad's stomach started grumbling with hunger, I grabbed my keys to go get him some lunch. He insisted on coming along. It was a strange feeling, driving the car with him in the fronts seat. Still curious as ever, he asked about the various places and wondered about the places I mostly frequented. Also, he just had to points all the potential lawsuits just waiting to happen for one reason or another. I played around with my food, not really feeling up to eating. \"I'm sorry Saige,\" he said suddenly. I lifted my head. \"Rowan told me about the miscarriage.\" Great. \"I think you should talk to your mother, if anyone knows about a miscarriage it's her,\" he said, taking a sip of his unsweetened iced tea. He was sitting in front of me, upright with perfect posture. \"Mom had a miscarriage?\" I asked. This was the first time I was hearing of this. He nodded. \"Children bring such joy into their parents' lives. You were a surprise we didn't see coming, but we couldn't have been happier. Anne was obsessed with you and convinced she wanted another,\" he said. \"We tried and we were successful—or so we thought. To this day, she's still convinced it was a girl,\" he smiled sadly, thinking about the baby he had lost years ago.

167 of 295 I possibly had an older brother or sister. I didn’t know how to feel. He played with the napkin in his hand. \"The symptoms of her second pregnancy matched those of her first with you. Her hair was falling out, and you know how much your mom cares about her,\" he said chuckling. \"And she was craving strawberries and key lime pie and hamburgers all the time.\" He grabbed my hand on the table, squeezing it gently. \"I can't necessarily say I understand what you're going through or went through—but I know it's hard,\" he said. \"I can understand however Rowan's breakdown when he told me, it's a horrible feeling Saige,\" he added, shaking his head. \"As a man, you feel useless and detached and you can't help blame yourself for not being enough. Not being enough to have prevented it... and you can't fix it.\" \"If I could take away all the things that are hurting or has hurt your mother—every last one of them, I would,\" he explained. \"To see the woman you love in pain is indescribable. You just want to make it all go away,\" he said sadly. Rowan probably said more to him than he was telling me. \"It was hard,\" he repeated. \"But we managed, and we moved on, it still hurts but it's not dominating our lives anymore... you both can too.” \"I don't know, he can't even look at me.\" I said, using my finger to catch the fallen tears. \"You remind him of the baby you've lost, he sees you and he sees a baby girl with your beautiful brown eyes and long

168 of 295 lashes. He looks at you and sees a baby boy with your small ears and soft light skin,\" he said, staring at me intently. \"Just give him time, you had time to start the healing process. He hasn’t.\" ~.~.~.~.~ The spaghetti was boiling on the stove as I worked on perfecting the sauce. When the screen door opened, I saw it was Rowan coming back inside. He and El have been outside all day. He opened the fridge, ignoring my presence, to grab two bottles of water. \"Rowan, come back to me.\" I said, holding on to his arm. With my eyes, I pleaded with him to forgive me and love me again. I hated the way things were right now. If he does go to jail, I'll look back at this moment regretting that I didn't make the best of each second I had with him. \"I'm right here Saige,\" he said, opening his arms. He looked at me but he wasn't really seeing me. His eyes were dull, lacking the usual brightness and joy. \"You know that's not that I mean, I'm sorry,\" I meant it. \"I am so so sorry—I'm sorry for hurting you and for keeping this from you for so long. I was wrong.\" I said, grabbing a hold of his face so he looked at me. I wanted him to understand that I didn't mean to hurt him, but I had and I'm sorry.

169 of 295 Rowan took both of my hands and removed them from his face. \"If you could go back, would you do it again?\" He still held on to them, his hands were warm. \"I—\" There was a slight hesitation because I knew my first instinct would be to do it again. \"Exactly,\" he scoffed, dropping my hands and walking out back to help El with his science experiment. ___________________________ Did you know? Saige was all alone when the miscarriage happened. Rowan and El went camping for the weekend. If Rowan had been there that weekend, keeping it a secret would never have been an option.

170 of 295 33. A Bad Mother This was turning out to be the worst winter break ever—at least for me. El enjoyed sleeping an hour later and waking up later too. He didn't wake up until nine, leaving his bed to warm up waffles or pancakes and watch cartoons. At the beginning of our marriage, Rowan and I promised each other to do our absolute best to keep our disagreements or arguments from effecting El. \"I can't wait to go ice skating again!\" El said, sighing with contentment. Last night, we spent two hours at the skating rink. \"Do you think we can bring aunt Charlee?” \"Sure, I don't see why not,\" he said. Rowan drove with both hands on the wheel, navigating the tricky roads to the airport. We were picking up his mom and sister from the airport, another thing on my already full plate. The airport was almost two hours from where we lived. They woke up early to catch their flight and we woke up early to drive to pick them up. In the car, I dreaded seeing his mom or his sister again. At our wedding, all they did was complain about my choice of guests, the invitations, the wedding date, the food, the music, and the venue. It wasn't my choice alone, Rowan and I decided on everything together! We parked on the ninth floor then took a shuttle to the airport. Rowan was armed with flowers and chocolates to

171 of 295 greet his mom. \"My baby!\" Naomi cried, hugging him tightly. \"You look so thin, are you even eating?\" she asked. \"Three times a day,\" said El. \"Sometimes four.\" His mother laughed. \"Still funny as ever, come here and give me a hug Elliot,\" she said, opening her arms towards me. Her black hair was braided behind her back, the braid swished as she moved. \"What he said,\" Rowan said, genuinely smiling. I didn't see those as often. Anymore, but I knew. I played a part in their disappearance. He handed her the red carnations; the yellow ones were for his little sister. \"Rowan!\" His sister exclaimed, jumping into his arms. They were lost in their old world, talking a mile minute to fill each other in on their lives. Rowan spoke with his family at least twice a week. There couldn't be that much he didn't know.  \"Hello Saige,\" she said cordially smiling, it wasn't genuine. I smiled back. It wasn't genuine. We arrived home just in time for lunch. Rowan helped his mom and sister get settled into the guest room before getting started on lunch. He was busy making their favorites. Although I insisted on helping, he said he got it. I left the kitchen to tend to my garden outside. Forgetting something in the house, I stepped back inside to see them... El, Charlee,

172 of 295 Rowan, and his mom were in the kitchen. They were playing music, dancing around, and cooking lunch without me. I shoved the pain deep within and turned back around. Who needed gloves anyways? With my bare hands, I tended to the garden, scratching and scraping skin along the way. I didn't feel it, all I felt was raw guilt, loneliness, grief, and sadness. ~.~.~.~.~ Naomi waited until I was alone and defenseless to attack. She's been here for two days, waiting for the right moment to strike. Today was it. Rowan took the kids out to have some fun. According to Charlee, there was a max of one adult. I was walking away from her. I pretended not to hear her criticize the way I folded the laundry, mock the way I disciplined El, grimace at the food I cooked, or roll her eyes when I complimented her. She was his mother, so I took her blows with silence. \"How could you not tell him?\" she asked. \"That is completely unbelievable! Who does that? You're a bad mother a horrible mother!\" she said. But not this time. \"What?\" I asked, flipping back so quickly it was like a mirage. We were standing in the far side of the living room. \"What?\" I repeated. \"I'm a horrible mother?\" I asked.

173 of 295 My patience was running thin. She picked the wrong day, the wrong time, and the wrong moment. My face was covered with pimples like polka dots on a shirt. My back was hurting from crouching down to pull weeds and add more soil. My husband was angry with me. I was sleeping a couple of hours a night, spending the rest awake with my thoughts. They were scary. She had no right to call me a horrible mother! No right at all! I've been giving El my everything from the moment I knew I was pregnant. My day begins and ends with him. My life revolves around him. All I have is for him. I'm willing to give my life for my son if I had to, there isn't anything that I wouldn't do. Yet, I was a horrible mother? Naomi was shocked, her punching bag didn't often talk back. \"You are a horrible mother Naomi!\" I yelled, pointing at her. \"You are a horrible mother and just an overall bad person! What kind of example are you leaving for your daughter?\" I asked. A horrendous one since Charlee was becoming just like her. \"If I had a daughter, I would teach her to build up and empower other women not tear them down.” Naomi was silent, unable to think of a comeback. \"I would teach her to find healthy ways to build up her self-esteem! She doesn't need to destroy people's self-worth to strengthen her own!\" I said, scowling at how pathetic she was. She was a grown woman; she should be more mature than this. This stage of her life should be done with, left back in the dinosaur ages.

174 of 295 \"What is wrong with you?\" I asked, pointing at her. \"You don't know me Naomi, you don't know my story. These past few years you showed that you don't care to, you know what?\" I asked raising my hands. \"Fine, but you will not continue to remain in my house and call me a horrible mother for something that was outside of my control!\" I yelled. \"I did not ask to lose my baby and you will not make feel like I did otherwise—\" I was ready to keep going if Rowan hadn't come in. I would tell her she had no reason to judge me. She didn't know what it was like to lose a baby. She couldn't have any more babies, therefore she would never be able to lose one. She would never know what it was like. I was married to Rowan, what happened in our marriage wasn't any of her concern. \"Hey!\" Rowan said, immediately coming between us. \"What's going on?\" he asked. Charlee protectively stood by her mother's side, wrapping an arm around her. She scowled at me. El stood awkwardly against the couch, holding a plastic bag in his hand. I tried very hard to keep myself calm and composed for his benefit, wanting to give him an example of how to express himself in a healthy manner. However, even moms have their breaking points. We make mistakes too.  I shrugged him off, \"I want her out of this house by the time I come back Rowan.\" I said, I needed to leave and cool down before I actually said something I regretted. These feelings have been dormant for years. \"I mean it.\" The

175 of 295 seriousness of my voice communicated to him the severity of what had gone down. \"Mom,\" he said turning to her. \"What did you do?\" he asked calmly. She guilty looked away. He was stuck, unable to decide who to choose. He chose me, following me around the house as I looked for my purse and keys. \"Saige,\" he said. I ignored him, remembering it was in our bedroom. \"Saige what happened?\" he asked. \"I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong?\" \"You can't fix everything Rowan!\" I said angrily. He was always trying to fix things! Sometimes I wondered if he married me so he could fix my broken pieces. \"You went ahead and told your mom—your mom of all people who doesn't like me whatsoever about the miscarriage and you seriously don't think she would use that as ammo?\" I asked, feeling betrayed, exposed, and vulnerable. Now I knew how he felt. He really was an idiot. \"Just another thing to add to her long list of why I'm not a good person, not a good wife, or a not a good mother,\" I said emphasizing the last part. ~.~.~.~.~ When I got back home, Rowan's family wasn't here. \"They're staying at a hotel downtown for the night until things have cooled down.\" All the lights were turned off in the house except the dimmed lights in the living room.

176 of 295 I jumped back realizing he was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. I walked past where he sat, \"They can stay there permanently.” \"That's not going to work Saige, they're my family,\" he said, standing up on his two feet. I stopped in my tracks, turning around to face him. He was already in his pajamas, \"And what are we?\" I asked, referring to El and I. \"Replaceable? Exchangeable? Temporary.” \"You both are my family; I need my family now more than ever. I can't have you two fighting,\" he said. \"This has been coming for a long time Rowan, you see how your mother treats me and you do nothing about it.\" I said. \"I'm sick and tired of it, I'm over it!\" I added. Naomi's real problem was with Rowan, so why wasn't she taking her anger out on him? I didn't ask him to fall in love with me. I didn't ask him to ask me to be his girlfriend, to propose, or to marry me. Rowan made those choices by himself as a grown man.  \"I do,\" he said, surprised that I would make that claim. \"You know I do; you see when I do.” \"Telling her to stop or not say that clearly isn't effective.\" I said crossing my arms. \"You need to actually do something because your words aren't working. I graduated high school, the headquarter of all pettiness and put-downs. Your mother is childish and exceptionally insecure, I don't want to deal with that anymore.\"

177 of 295 Rowan was silent, staring at me like I was a stranger. What has gotten into you?\" he asked, trying to find the Saige he fell in love with. \"I'm a mad black woman, you tell me.\" I scoffed, turning back around to get ready for bed. ___________________________ Did you know? Naomi and Charlee feel as if Saige has taken Rowan from them. Those were his main girls. Since Saige has stepped into the picture, they feel like they've been abandoned and forgotten. Secretly, Rowan's mom is relieved they haven't had any kids together. She is sorry to hear about the miscarriage but if they had a baby, especially a little girl, they would lose Rowan forever.

178 of 295 34. Three In A Row I jolted upwards, feeling my body soaked with sweat and heart racing like I ran a mile. It was the third night in the row that I was startled awake by a nightmare. I closed my eyes and touch my chest, feeling my facing heart. I breathe in and out, trying to calm down. \"Another one?\" came a voice. \"Yeah.\" I said, getting out of bed. I moved around in the dark, finding the drawer that had my PJs. In the darkness of the night, I changed into a new set of pajamas. Crawling into bed, I turned to my side and hugged an extra pillow against me. Rowan sighed, moving closer to wrap an arm around me. \"That pillow is a lousy substitute for the real thing.” \"It's what I've got, the real thing isn't available.\" I mumbled, closing my eyes. \"I'm right here Saige,\" he said, opening his arms. I stubbornly stayed in my position, keeping my eyes shut and waiting for sleep to come. Rowan's rejection hurt. Having him purposefully push me away and shut me out hurt me. Having him tell his mom about my miscarriage was the cherry on top of all this hurt I was feeling. I was still hurt. I apologized. He didn’t. In the morning, I woke up to the warmth of Rowan's beside me. His right arm was thrown over my waist. His hand rested on my empty stomach and womb.

179 of 295 ~.~.~.~.~ I can't remember the last time I spent a day in bed. Throughout the day, I twisted and turned and changed my position on the bed. I didn't leave my room. I left the bed before noon to brush my teeth and shower. Then I climbed right back into bed. El checked on me, constantly feeling my head to see if I had a fever. \"Are you sure you're going to be okay?\" he asked. \"Positive.\" I answered, feeling my eyes close as I drifted to sleep for the third time today. Everything was perfect when you're sleeping. I was calm, peaceful, and I was happy. I couldn't say the same thing for when I was awake. I would've slept for the rest of the day if Rowan hadn't woken me up around five pm. \"Wake up Saige,\" he said, gently shaking me. I was sprawled on the bed on my back. It took a couple of seconds for me to see clearly. \"What's wrong?\" I asked, sitting up. \"Is El okay?\" I asked, ready to bolt out the door to his rescue. Hearing your child was in danger was like having an espresso shot, you'd be fueled with energy in seconds. \"He's fine,\" Rowan said. \"He went to the pool with Charlee and my mom.\" I didn't want El with her. \"Then why did you wake me up?\" I asked, covering my mouth as I yawned. \"You've been sleeping all day,\" he said, suspiciously watching me.

180 of 295 \"I'm tired, not pregnant.\" I said, clearing up any false ideas he had brewing in his big head. \"I've learned my lesson, trust me.\" I said, rubbing at my eyes tiredly. \"Ok,\" he said. \"Aren't you hungry?\" he asked. \"You haven't eaten the entire day.\" \"No, I'm not. I just want to sleep.\" I said. \"You've been sleeping all day Saige—\" \"Sleeping all day is better than being awake all-day Rowan.\" I said. My hands played with the covers. \"When I'm awake, I'm suffocated with guilt and troubled by questions I'll never find the answers to.\" Why did Michael Sykes do what he did? What if Elliot chose Michael over me? Why did I have a miscarriage? Would my next pregnancy result in a miscarriage? Why did Naomi dislike me so much? I leaned my head against the headboard. \"When I'm awake, I'm plagued with feelings and thoughts saying that I'm not good enough for you and never will be.\" I explained. \"When I'm awake, I'm wishing that I wasn't him or her… that it was me instead,\" I added in a softer tone. \"So, let me sleep Rowan. Please,\" I said, tired of arguing and going back and forth. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. \"Hey,\" he said, gently cupping my face with his two hands. \"As wonderful as it is to watch you sleep, I actually like it when you're awake,\" he said. \"When you're awake, I get to watch you smile and laugh. When you're awake, I get to hear you wow me with your wit

181 of 295 and intelligence,\" he said, smiling softly.  \"And when you're awake, you somehow manage to remind me of all the reasons I love you and married you.\" \"Huh,\" I scoffed. \"You're probably regretting that now, aren't you?\" I asked bitterly. My eyes were starting to get wet with tears. It was a crazy thought and had no truth to it, but I was starting to think Rowan didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me. \"Not at all,\" he said, leaning in to kiss me. \"I'm sorry Saige —I could've handled the whole confession better. I was got off guard and I let my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have yelled.\" \"I deserved it, what was I thinking Rowan?\" I asked, touching the back of his hand. \"That you could make all go away if you didn't talk about it,\" he suggested. \"It didn't work,\" I said. \"I'm always thinking about it.” Rowan crawled into bed with me, the bed dipped with his weight. \"Me too,\" he said softly. \"At least I understand now why you were so hesitant about actually trying,\" he said scratching his chin. \"I'm scared now honestly.\" \"You are?\" I asked, relieved that I wasn't the only one. Getting pregnant again scared me. I didn't want to lose another baby.

182 of 295 \"Yea, I don't want to lose another baby and I don't want to lose you either Saige—that truly scared me,\" he said. \"What did?\" I asked. \"The thought that I could've lost you both,\" he said softly. \"I'm okay with just El, I don't want to ever put us through something like this again,\" \"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game,\" I said, quoting one of my favorite movies. He chuckled, \"Still an athlete at heart I see.\" \"It's in my blood,\" I said, leaning my head on his shoulders. He wrapped an arm around me, leaning his head on mine. \"I love you Rowan... I love you so much and I don't want to lose you.\" I said. I didn't want to lose him because of my error in thinking. I didn't want to lose him to a jail cell either. \"I love you to infinity and beyond Saige,\" he said. \"I can quote movies too,\" he added. I chuckled and snuggled closer to him. For an hour we talked like we haven't talked in years. Rowan expressed how much my deception had hurt him, he didn't expect that from me. He expected better. At the same time, he felt like he had unknowingly put pressure on me by constantly asking to have a baby. The pressure made it seem like the miscarriage would make or break our marriage. It did feel that way, I associated the miscarriage with the end of our marriage because I wouldn't be able to give him

183 of 295 what he wanted. Calmly, Rowan listened to me explain the day it happened and how I've been feeling about it. Eventually, we fell asleep together in that position, waking up once El barged through the bedroom door with three scoops of strawberry ice cream covered with gummy bears to make me feel better. ___________________________ Did you know? Making friends has never been easy for Saige after school. The girls she thought were her best friends, sister even, ditched her once she was pregnant. Rumors were circulating and she was engaged in a lawsuit. They avoided her to protect their reputations and that of her families. She wished she had a good friend to run too during hard times like this. She had Rya and Laylah, but they weren't here. Becca, the kindergarten teacher seemed to have potential. So did Ivonne, she works at Saige's favorite coffee place. They got along very well.

184 of 295 35. Why Rowan and my dad have spent all day cooped inside the house, pacing around the dining room as they talked strategy. They were discussing the case further, analyzing its intricate and complex parts like mad scientists. It took a lot of convincing to get them to do something else. I understood what what at stake but they needed a break. Later they could return with new ideas and new angles to attack this monster so they could conquer it for good. Rowan and El walked to the park, it was only ten minutes away. They planned to run around, throw a football, and get sweaty. My father suggested we walk around the neighborhood. My hands were shoved in my pockets. \"It's not like The Estates, I said referring to our neighborhood.\" My sandals crunched the fallen leaves on the sidewalk. \"No, it's not,\" he agreed. \"It's better. Here, there's laughter and happiness and kids running around freely,\" he said, looking at a couple on the lawn chairs. Their children sat in the kiddie pool splashing water at each other and the dog. \"There's a carefree atmosphere here, I like it.\" The sun was making its descent, the orangish and yellowish hues it was emitting were stunning. \"Me too,\" I said, viewing the neighborhood with fresh eyes. Our home association wasn't as annoying as others. They charged us our fees, handed us a set of easy to follow guidelines then left us alone. The only time you noticed their existence is when they withdrew the annual fee from your account and if there was a problem.

185 of 295 \"Saige?\" he said, turning to look at me. \"Yes?\" I said, assuming the language we spoke at home. I wasn't allowed to say yea or what, only yes. Old habits die hard. \"Can I ask you a question?\" he asked. \"Sure.\" I said, fearing what he was going to say. What could he possibly want to ask me? \"Why him?\" he asked. There was no need for an explanation. We always had this connection; we could understand each other saying by saying so little. Why him? Why not him? \"He loves me.\" I said. \"He really does.\" I said, remembering all the times he has said it to me over the years. Too many to count. \"He is beyond amazing—I can't put it into words,\" I said, struggling to formulate my thoughts and emotions into words. I raised my hand then dropped it again. \"Rowan is able to see the good in me that I can't see by myself, he's my mirror. Helping me see the Saige deep inside,\" I said, pointing at myself. \"He has flaws like any man,\" I said, raising my shoulders. What can you do? \"but his good qualities outweigh them. He's patient with me. He's kind to everyone and has such an optimistic view on life. El loves him and he loves El with everything he has.\" I explained. It was probably a longer

186 of 295 answer than he had wanted. \"And he stands by my side, no matter what.\" Despite feeling angered and betrayed, Rowan chose me over his mother when she called me a horrible behavior. Although he initially created some distance between us, if I needed him, I had no doubt he would stand by me. \"We're a team, always.\" \"Good,\" he said, nodding his head. \"You deserve it.\" he said, smiling as he stared into my eyes. \"Can I ask you a question?\" I asked, finding the courage to speak up. He nodded. \"Why?\" I asked, stopping to look back into those brown eyes covered with long black eyelashes. Those eyes comforted me as his arms held on to me tightly when I had nightmares. Those eyes reassured me at those preppy parties where I didn't feel like I fit in. Those eyes promised me that it was all going to be alright. ___________________________ Did you know?  Initially, Daniel Carter didn't want children. He was afraid they would interfere with his career and keep him from attaining greatness and his family's respect. However, he was surprised at how joyous he was when Roxane said the pregnancy test was positive. He picked her up and swung her around, loving her ten times more than he did before. To this day, he remembers her saying, \"Put me down, you'll damage the precious good!\" as she laughed and smiled like he has never seen her do before.

187 of 295 36. The Truth Will Set You Free He was conflicted, to answer or not to answer. Now that was the question. \"Let's keep walking,\" he said, motioning his hands forwards. I thought he wasn't going to answer. \"I think better when I'm moving,\" he said, smiling softly at me. \"Why?\" he asked, chuckling lowly. It sounded liked an upright bass being strung, low and deep-toned. \"Which why?\" he asked. \"There are many,\" he said, looking ahead. A father held on to his daughter and the bike on which she was learning how to ride. She was peddling with all her might, ignoring the potential she had to fall and injure herself. Her father was there, she had nothing to worry about. \"Start from the top and work your way down.\" I said. That's what he always said when I was younger and found myself stuck in a situation, not knowing what to do to get out. He chuckled softly, \"That's right,\" he said. I walked around a puddle, not wanting to wet my feet. It rained yesterday. The water has been sitting there since then. Yesterday, I curled up on the chair in the bedroom and wrapped myself with a blanket as I spent hours reading three books off my reading list.

188 of 295 \"Before you were born Saige, earlier in my career, I did something—very bad,\" he said, scrunching his eyebrows. \"I tampered with evidence—I was so sure he was innocent,\" he sighed. \"I was so sure,\" he repeated again, raising his clenched fist with power. \"He was talking the talk and walking the walk and he had me fooled,\" he added. \"I-I was puffed up with pride, foolish yet youthful, thinking I could distinguish between the innocent and guilty easily,\" he gently kicked a pebble out of his way. \"There's a reason why I shouldn’t have become a lawyer,\" he scoffed, rubbing as his tired eyes. My father was getting old. It was a hard truth to swallow. He wasn't as young as he used to be. There were bags under his eyes from sleepless nights. How many of those were because of me? Wrinkles stretched from both of his eyes. Gray hair tinged his head like gist on green leaves. The thought of a parent's death was scary, regardless of how good they were or were not. It made your own mortality as their child apparent.  \"I was wrong— he was guilty. My defense,\" he said, touching his chest with the palm of his hand. \"allowed a murder, Brody Craig to get away and continue doing what he did best,\" he said briefly closing his eyes. I was surprised, masking it by pressing my lips together to keep from letting my mouth drop from my shock. I knew their moral compass was screwed but I thought that only applied to me. As a little girl, I've heard many of my father's cases, remembering a couple of highlights and names here and there.

189 of 295 He has never ever spoken about a man named Brody Criag. I would've remembered the name Brody. I had a best friend named Brody in kindergarten. \"And let me tell you,\" he said, interrupting my private thoughts. \"the price to pay for tampering with evidence is a hefty one. I knew it and your mom knew it. It's why she made a deal with the devil.\" I crossed my arms, wanting to warm myself up for her participation in this. \"The Sykes have more money than we'll ever see or touch in our lifetime,\" he said, waving back at an elderly man who waved at us from his porch, \"Striking a deal with the devil is never a one-time thing—it's just not,\" he said. \"Yet, when you're desperate you do the most illogical, the most foolish things.\" Yes, you really do. I knew the feeling all too well. \"We were indebted to them for years, forced to unite our families under the pretense of friendship and a shared mission,\" he said, groaning. \"I just wish you had never gotten caught in the crossfire.\" Pretense? If so, my parents deserved an Oscar or an Emmy for their acting. From the outside, they looked to be the best of friends. Inviting each other over for parties and dinners, connecting each other with potential clients and important individuals.

190 of 295 \"He would never admit it,\" my dad said scowling. \"But Michael had eyes for you. The cliche of cliches... you weren't like the other girls he grew up with,\" he said. \"It's because of your mother, she raised you to hold your head high and proud. The other girls felt like they had something to prove, you didn't.\" He gently caressed my face. \"My beautiful little girl was too good for them—all of them.\" His hands dropped to his side. \"We never... we never expected him to do that. We didn't Saige, we hoped you would marry someday, I know we pushed that towards you unfairly but—we would never wish for you to be hurt as you were—as he did.\" he said. \"Never!\" he repeated, haunted my old memories and thoughts. Intense shame washed over me, remembering how intimate the details were at the trial. I sat in the stand, hands tightly clasped to keep my hands from shaking, my heart beating wildly against my chest and my thoughts hoping the baby was okay. On that stand, I walked the jury and the judge and Michael and Michael's parents and the prosecutors, and the defenders and my parents through that traumatic night with as much detail as I remembered. It wasn't hard, it was drawn onto my brain with a black sharpie marker. His cologne was Dior, an intense version taking over whatever odor that was already present in the room he entered. It wasn't that cold outside, yet he was dressed in a red wine V-neck cashmere sweater. The collars of his navy-blue button-down shirt showed through the V- neck. Stone suede leather desert boots were on his feet and a grey beanie was snugly on top of his head.

191 of 295 His hands were soft, never knowing the value or feel of hard work or real work. Never having to use his hands for anything but a snap to signal a need that required fulfillment. He was ambidextrous, a blessing and a curse.  I couldn't get rid of the details even if I tried. \"It was nothing compared to having you standing on the other side of the court and not by my side,\" I said angrily. \"You were—are my parents!\" I should've come first before anything else! Turns out, I wasn't even on the list!\" I added, clenching my fist into a ball. \"You have always been at the top of the list Saige,\" he said calmly. Both of his hands went behind his back. Again, I was like my mother. Emotions surged through our bodies like electricity. Water flowed through my dad and Rowan's body in streams, pacifying all parts of them. \"The Sykes' wanted silence in exchange for silence,\" he said. \"Their silence for ours.\" And it was a price they were all too ready to pay. \"Sometimes, the stupidest reasons are used to justify one's actions. We couldn't change what had happened to you, if we could we would have done it,\" he said. \"We would have done it immediately Saige,\" he added. \"but if we could prevent further damages, then why not?\" he asked rhetorically shrugging his shoulders. \"The Sykes' would have ruined us all.\" He wagged his fingers, \"Do not, not even for a second take that lightly,\" he said. \"You probably used to think you would never be happy again? Hm?” he asked. “as crazy as that

192 of 295 sounds looking back today, the Sykes would have easily made it a reality,\" he said, bunching his eyebrows again. \"You see this Saige,\" he said, opening his arm wide. \"The house, the husband, the loving family, and the great life?\" he asked, using his fingers to count them. \"You would never have had it or even begin to imagine a life like this. The Sykes wouldn't have given you the privilege too.\" Sighing, he said with a shake of his head. \"It made sense then until we realized by doing so, we had lost you forever.\" \"Why?\" I asked. \"Why? Why not then? Why wait so long to tell me the truth?\" I asked. The damage has been done. What could knowing the truth do now? \"Think back to that time, would you have believed me?\" he asked, cocking his head to the side. \"Would you have been able to comprehend it all and be able to take it at 17?\" he asked. The answer was no. It was clear as day. \"If it's all both of your faults,\" I said, choosing not to answer his questions. \"Why does she act like I'm the one to blame?\" \"I can't explain your mother's actions,\" he said, raising his hands with his palm upwards. \"I've tried to and it doesn't really work. However,\" he said lifting up a finger. \"Looking at you, she sees a mirror reflecting all her mistakes and regrets. The words she says to you are the ones she's really saying to herself.\"

193 of 295 So, she hates me because she hates herself and I remind her of herself, so she hates me? The logic of it all was hard to find. \"We should be getting back now,\" he said looking up at the grey clouds. \"I think it's going to rain again.” ___________________________ Did you know? Daniel and Roxane argued about her decision to involve the Sykes. She feels as if she did what she had to do. Deep down, Daniel blames her for their broken relationship with Saige. He has never said that to her and never will. Roxane blames herself hard enough as it is every second, every minute, every hour, and every day since it happened.

194 of 295 37. The Pretrial Conference ~Late January~ These next couple of weeks were going to be busy for all of us. Rowan was preparing for his pretrial conference next month to discuss the trial. During the second week of February, both parties would meet to resolve final motions, decide what evidence and testimony will be admissible for court, set a trial date, and set boundaries for trial. Rowan was finally going to hear the evidence they compiled. Jamal and Chris must've paid or threatened their employees since no one wanted to testify for Rowan's defense. Together, we went down a line of employees, calling to ask. Some answered, some hung up, and others apologized because they just couldn’t. My parents were still trying to decide if it would be best to put me on the stand, I've had practice. However, the jury could either be swayed with my emotional testimony or dismiss it because I was his wife. They expected me to defend him... even if it meant lying for him to protect him. It was a risky move; one they were still debating. I wasn't afraid to be questioned because I wholeheartedly believed my husband was innocent. No one could make me believe something different.   For the past week, El has been seeing a psychologist to undergo evaluations. Surprisingly, he enjoyed answering

195 of 295 questions that related to him and performing various activities knowing that he was going to be observed. The court contacted us two weeks ago. I wasn't surprised to hear he found a job and got the ball moving quickly. When you’re a Syke, all doors are open for you and nothing is impossible. \"How are things?\" asked Diamond, sitting across from me as we ate our lunch. I smiled softly. How was I supposed to respond to that? I wasn't really trusting anyone right, realizing anything I said could be used against me and my husband. Rowan didn't need that right now. \"Things are kinda crazy right now,\" I said. \"But that's to be expected, life is full of surprises.\" I said shrugging my shoulder. \"How are things with you?\" I asked. \"Faith is graduating soon, that must be exciting.\" Faith was at the top of her class and graduating from high school with top honors. Diamond couldn't be any prouder her. Her face radiated with happiness as she launched an excited monologue about Faith's success and upcoming graduation. I paid attention for the most part, but my mind was really on the stacks of papers needing grading and upcoming meetings with parents and Rowan.  What would I do without him?

196 of 295 ___________________________ Did you know? Michael is working on an old friend's construction site. She hates him but loves him. His time away hasn't changed that. She couldn't say no.

197 of 295 38. Flying Colors El passed all his assessments and evaluations with flying colors. According to the state, he was ready to see Michael. \"Mom, can you check this for me?\" he asked, raising the paper in the air. El excelled at math, struggled a bit with science, and was above average at reading since we read together regularly. Writing was his main weakness. It was hard when the words blurred together and transposed.  \"Give me a minute and I'll be there.\" I said, moving around the kitchen to finish up dinner. The teriyaki chicken and the vegetables were on low. The lemon bars were for desserts after dinner. Despite everything that was going on, I was proud of the way he handled himself and the constant changes around him. Rowan and I were constantly on the move yet trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. Rowan was coming home later tonight; he was able to find temporary work with an old friend of his. He knew nothing in landscaping, but he was willing to learn. I washed my hands then dried them with a cloth. \"Let's see,\" I said, holding the paper up. \"It's all good.\" I said, mentally calculating his multiplication and division problems.

198 of 295 He nodded, \"This is the hard one,\" he said, handing me the paper. \"I have to write an essay.\" he added. \"About?\" I asked. \"One of the prompts,\" he said pointing to the lower portion of the paper. \"That sounds fun,\" I said, reading the list. If you could go anywhere on a field trip this year, where would you like to go and why? That was an interesting one, he was always looking forward to field trips. Autumn is a time of transition. Write about a time when you experienced an \"in-between\" period, or transition, in your own life. Very philosophical, I don't know if he would want to think that hard about it. What can you do this year to help others who are less fortunate than you? El would have trouble coming up with realistic ways to help others. His first choice would be to print more money and hand them out to everyone. Inflation was too complex to explain to him. Set three goals for the coming school year and write about how you will achieve. I like this one, it was looking towards the future. \"I'm just going to make mistakes and get it all wrong,\" he huffed. \"I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse.\"

199 of 295 \"You're trying your best, right?\" I asked. Although he could easily be frustrated sometimes, El persevered through the toughest of problems. \"Yes,\" he said. We both knew he did. \"Then that's all that matter.\" I said softly. \"Let's read them together and talk about them. After you pick your favorite, we can start planning it out. Okay?\" \"Okay,\" he said. \"I like this one,\" he said. \"Write about something you believed as small child that turned out to be wrong. How did you find out?\" he read. Oh boy. \"Can I?\" he asked. \"It's your essay,\" I said nonchalantly. \"You can write about whichever one you like,\" I said tapping his nose. \"Will you help me?\" \"It's what I'm here for.\" I answered. \"You're more than just a helper,\" he said, sharpening his pencil. \"You're my mom.\" \"You bet I am, you're one and only.\" I said, moving my chair closer to help him plan his essay. It wasn't going to be

200 of 295 easy, but he would complete it with flying colors. That's just who he was. ___________________________ Did you know? Roxane wishes Saige was more like her father. She is an exact replica of her, ever since she was a little girl. Roxane knows Saige's flaws and weaknesses but also her strengths since they are similar to hers or they are exactly like hers. Although Roxane knew nothing about Saige's miscarriage and felt only remorse for the lost many, knowing how it feels herself, she wasn't surprised to hear Saige kept it a secret. Roxane kept her first miscarriage from her husband for two years, realizing the strain it put on their beloved marriage, both the secrets and the miscarriage, she stopped telling him.