Out of The Mommy Box

51 of 295 \"Sorta, it won't stop you from getting sick. But, if you do get the flu your immune system has already seen it, thanks to the shot you just got,\" I explained. \"It'll fight it faster and you'll get better sooner.” He thought about it. \"Ethan's dad can't get a shot, he has cancer.\" El said. \"I'm sorry to hear that, his immune system is probably too weak to handle the flu shot or any other shots.\" I said. \"On the bright side, by getting a shot you're less likely to get sick which means Ethan's less likely to get sick which means Ethan's dad is less likely to get sick.\" I said. \"By getting a shot, you get to protect everyone else around you. We're like a herd-“ \"Like the cows?\" he asked shocked. \"Yea,\" I said chuckling. \"Like the cows, you protect one cow from sickness you protect the others.” \"Wow, I'm a hero,\" he said. And it always goes back to him. \"But Opal doesn't get shots. Her mom doesn't believe in them,\" he said. \"Does that mean she's going to get me sick?\" He didn't like the sound of that. Neither did I. \"I hope not,\" I muttered under my breathe. In my opinion, vaccinations were important. No pain, no gain. Vaccinations were just trying to help us do what we do best: protect our children.

52 of 295 El thought going to the doctor's meant skipping school, it didn't. \"I've got to come back?\" he asked as we approached the school. \"Yup, I've got to work, and you've got to learn. We're killing two birds with one stone.” He looked at me horrified, \"That's animal abuse and that's illegal!” Great, now El would really think his mother was a ruler breaker. ~.~.~.~.~ There were many yellow feeling bracelets today. Josiah and Bobbie were the only ones wearing a blue feeling bracelet. This morning everyone happily answered the visual daily question. Despite his impaired language skill, I was so proud watching Hudson stand in front of the class and read today's question: do you like red or green apples? It was evenly mixed between the two. Their reasons varied. Nina liked green apples because her mom did, and her mom is her role model. She was eventually going to learn you didn't need to be your role model's clone. Arden preferred red apples because that was his favorite color. Kai hated the question because he hated apples. Like any other third grader, most of them had horrendous handwriting. However, their troubled motor skills made it harder to write neatly. Twice a week, we focused on improving penmanship and becoming familiar with a

53 of 295 keyboard. On the board, I was writing down the story they were coming up with. At their desks, they copied down the sentences using their best handwriting. The theme today was a typical day in a student's life. The story went as followed so far: It was a sunny morning when Wallie woke up. He was late for school! He didn't wake up at seven o'clock. He woke up at eight thirty. Wallie looked around the room for his parents. But then he remembered they were their own bedroom. Wallie ran up the stairs to his parents' room. They were fast asleep. Wallie jumped on the bed to wake his parents up. \"I'm late!\" he yelled. The kids drew inspiration from their own lives and used the names of parents and siblings. \"Your turn Kai,\" I said, turning around to look at him. He was wearing his favorite hoodie; it was plain black. \"The end,\" he said. I cocked my head to the side, \"Not exactly, come on Kai. You can do it.\" I said encouragingly. There was a balance between giving him his space yet integrating him into the classroom activities. He muttered to himself as he read over what he had so far. \"His mom helped him get ready,\" said Kai. I wasn't surprised that Kai chose to talk about the mom, he only lived with his mom. \"His dad made him his favorite breakfast with bacon, waffles, eggs, and orange juice,\" said Daphne.

54 of 295 \"That's some breakfast,\" I said chuckling. \"But he didn't have to eat it because his mom had to bring his baby brother to daycare before bringing him to school,\" said Josiah. \"His mom drove 60 mph per hour, but the speed limit was 40 mph.\" said Malik. \"Out of nowhere, a police officer comes speeding behind her!\" said Nina excitedly. \"Wallie started crying because he was really going to late and his teacher was going to be mad at him,\" said Bobbie. \"His teacher was horrible and mean,\" said Hudson. \"I hope that teacher isn't secretly me,\" I said, pretending to be scared. \"No, you're awesome! It's Ms. Walker,” he said. The other students who previously had her started snickering and nodding their heads in agreement. I tried so hard not to snicker. Jennifer Walker was actually mean. A smile graced her face as often as it snowed in Florida. How did she ever become a teacher? I stayed far from her because of her sour attitude and depressing vibes. Being with my students helped me shrug off my blues for a moment and focus on helping them be their best. Their smiles made me smile and their jokes made me laugh. Having them hug me and wish me a good day before leaving

55 of 295 to catch the bus or their car ride made me love what I do even more. While helping El with his homework, I spent three hours reading and grading assignments, answering parent emails, and setting up conferences. However, the highlight of my day was snuggling with Rowan on the couch, watching one of my favorite movies for the millionth time. He always knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it.   ___________________________ Did you know? El really wants to be a paramedic. He's still trying to come up with a backup plan in case it turns out to be a boring job.

56 of 295 11. Open It Two weeks later, another letter came. Avoidance was no longer an option.\"Are you ready?\" Rowan asked, watching my every move. His eyes darted left and right as I paced around the room. I've been doing this for 15 minutes. It took everything in me to keep from biting my nails, it was an old habit I left behind years ago. Time to time it revisits when I'm under great stress as I am now. Was I ready? No. Was I ever going to be? No. \"Ready or not, it's happening,\" I said, taking a seat in the chair in our room. It came in handy when I was putting on stockings, putting on my shoes, or applying lotion to my dry skin. Rowan took a seat on the ottoman in front of the recliner and angled his body directly towards me. Crossing my legs, I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath. \"Go.\" I said softly. Rowan was reading the letter, there was no way I could. Touching the paper he had touched and reading the words he had written with a pen or pencil shook me to the core. I didn't ever want to feel his touch ever again.

57 of 295 Sighing, Rowan ripped open the first letter and removed the paper inside. There were two sheets of paper. \"Dear Saige Carter, I'll cut straight to the chase. I'm sorry, I'm coming out, and I want to see my son.” I inhaled more air than my body could take and started choking. My body shuddered and shook. If those two sentences could have that effect, how was I going to deal with the rest considering there were two pages? \"I'll start with the first topic of this letter. Sorry is not and will never be enough Saige. I know that. I can say it over and over again. I could spend my whole life saying it but it can't change the past. It won't. It never will be. Regardless, I want you to know I'm sorry. I was wrong for putting my hands on you and for hurting you and for taking something away from you, something you'll never get back.” I crossed my arms against my chest, barring my beating heart from jumping out of my chest. My eyes were becoming watery, blurring the sight of Rowan before me. \"Saige, I'm sorry. From the deepest depths of my heart, I want you to know I'm sorry. Saying it on paper is easy. If I get the chance, I would like to apologize in person to your face,\" read Rowan. Although Rowan was reading it, I could imagine the words coming out of Michael's voice. It was a voice I would never forget, no matter how much I wanted to. His voices echoed in my nightmares and played like a song on repeat in the back of my mind. To describe my husband's voice, the

58 of 295 words smooth and velvety, light but strong, rough yet gentle came to mind. Michael's voice was at a higher pitch, but now that he's older maybe it had changed. His voice was innocent, full of joy, and humor back then. Underneath lurked a touch of darkness and malice. \"I'm coming out, I thought you should know. You're probably surprised. That would make the two of us. It's been seven years and my time is coming up. I'll still be on probation despite my \"good behavior\". Imagine that, I have good behavior. We (you, my parents, and I) probably gave differing opinions on that. \" Let out? When? Where? How? Why? What? \"It's going to take me time to get back on my feet, I know that. Society isn't that kind to criminals, whether you're reformed or not. I have no family, few friends, and no home.” What about his parents? Michael was Judith and Anthony's only son, they showered him with all they had: love, affection, and money. Their images, all three of them,

59 of 295 were burned into my brain. Sitting in the courtroom, all I could do as stare at them. The perfect family with radiant smiles but underneath their mock perfection was deception, deceit, and destruction. Both of his parents had brown eyes. Yet, he inherited his grandmother's dark blue eyes. His thin lips were from his father. His dirty blond hair was from his mother. The pointed nose, sharp enough to draw blood, was from his father. And his personality, it was something else entirely. Not a mixture of hers or his, but something completely different. Throughout the hearings and the meeting and the trials, my stomach was slowly growing. I stared at them and wondered why. Why were they like that? \"I've cut ties with my parents and them with me. I'm as disappointed in them as they are of me. I blamed them for what happened and your parents too. Ultimately it was my choice but they're unwavering pressure for me to be a man and make the first move played its part.” When I was ten, I met Michael for the first time. He was young and curious, asking questions he had no business asking yet batting his eyelashes to win over the crowd. We were at a party then. With our parents, there was always a party. When I was fifteen, we were forced to interact and get to know each other. By the time I was seventeen, my parents made it clear. Michael Sykes was the one for me. Good family, good name, and good money. \"Like I said, it's going to take time to get back on my feet and integrate myself into the real world again. Once I'm settled, have a stable job and home, I want to see my child.\"

60 of 295 I laughed dryly. His child? What right did he have to call El his child? All he contributed was another set of chromosomes, 23 to be precise, and he didn't even do that well enough. The worst part is, he didn't know anything about El and vice versa. He didn't know if he had a daughter or son. He didn't know El's name. He didn't know his favorite color. He didn't know his hopes and dreams. He didn't know the words to his favorite song or the way to hold him after one of his nightmares. He didn't know his strengths or weaknesses. He didn't know his insecurities or the thoughts that made him sad sometimes. He didn't know anything, not a single thing about my son! The one I struggled to protect and nourish in the womb. The one I struggled to give birth to and the one I've been raising. \"Please don't keep my child from Saige, I've wronged you. I've hurt you.” And was I supposed to give him the chance to do the same to my son? \"But my child is my flesh and blood, I would never hurt him or her. Maybe you don't think I'm capable of showing a child the love it deserves or the care it needs. That's where you're wrong. Don't let your feelings of hate and anguish keep you from doing the right thing. Take it from someone who knows, it kept me from doing the right thing and look where I'm at.”

61 of 295 I was nothing like him! Michael and I didn't get along because we were so different. His wealth paved the way for him to feel entitled and untouchable. If I could've given all the money and luxury away to have my parents notice and care about me, I would've done in a heartbeat. He wasted his money on lavish things and was driven to own it all. I, on the other hand, was constantly giving my stuff away because I had too much. Our ideals, our morals, and our aspirations didn't align.   \"Often, I lay wondering what he or she is like? What he or she looks like, likes to do or eat and not knowing kills me inside. A nagging question is does he or she ask about me or know about me and what I've done. I've wondered what you've said or haven't said. Knowing you, you did what was best. Nevertheless, if it's a girl I want to teach my daughter how to protect herself from guys like me. If it's a boy, I want to teach him how to avoid turning into a man like me.” Rowan stopped reading, clenched his fists and ground his teeth with anger. Inside, a fire was burning wildly. He was containing it all, that's just the man he was. Hearing this couldn't be easy for him. He's heard my side of it, the night it all happened, finding out I was pregnant, my pregnancy, and just every little detail from my past. Like a ball of yarn, Rowan slowly unraveled the darkest and deepest parts of me. Hearing it directly from Michael and hearing him wanting to assume the position of El's father was a challenge. I wouldn't be surprised if Michael's words were unearthing insecurities Rowan had inside. If Mr. Greene was

62 of 295 competition, what about El's biological father? He just might take home the gold. \"I want to hear from you. I don't care if it's through a lawyer, a text, or a phone. I want to see my son and I need to know you'll let that happen. It's my only request.\" \"His only request,\" I repeated, feeling my lips tremble. Both of my hands shook. \"What about my only request?\" I asked to no one in particular. I let my head fall back and tried to blink away the tears. \"No, stop.\" I remember repeating it over and over and over and over, in different tones and in different pitches, and in different instances, but it's like he was in trance, not hearing or seeing me. Not even caring. I was trying not to cry. I was trying to be strong because that's the mom my son deserved and the wife my husband needed me to be. But everyone knows, even strong women cry like the baby they once were. I didn't know what to say or how to feel. Buried in his arms, Rowan let the tears and the quiet sobs speak for me. __________________________ Did you know? Rowan desperately wants to visit outer space one day. Given the chance, he'd be on a rocket headed to Mars.

63 of 295 12. The Morning After Around six in the morning, I woke up snuggled against Rowan's side. My left arm was thrown against his waist, seeking confirmation that he was still here. His arm was probably asleep from being wrapped across my body, securing my position against him.   I watched him, admiring his features. There was a small nick on his chin from his razor. His lips were etched in a grimace. I hope it wasn't permanent. His chest moved in sync with his breathing. \"Morning.\" I said, softly interrupting whatever thoughts were in his head. Sometimes I wished I could see what was in there. He looked over at me, seeing that I was awake. \"Morning,\" he answered, voice slightly rough. Rowan just looked at me, taking in all there was to see. My long black eyelashes. My heart-shaped face and brown skin. My dimples. The small pimple on my chin. He was looking past that, beyond what the eyes could see. Rowan was looking at the girl I was years ago. The one abandoned and betrayed by her parents. The one left to fend for herself and a child. The one left to make decisions she wasn't ready to make. The one left to grow up before her time. \"Read the second one,\" I said, surprising him and myself.

64 of 295 \"Saige, I don't think that's a good idea.” \"Listen baby,\" I said, softly touching his chest as if to calm his racing heart. \"Seeing me fall apart like that last night was terrifying for you and me.\" I said, understanding how he was feeling. I didn't know I had that in me. \"But we can't prolong the inevitable. I want to hear everything that's in the letter, so we know completely what we're dealing with. Then we can make a smart and educated decision. We can't do that if we don't have all the facts.\" I explained. Michael has never been one to underestimate. Being in jail didn't change that. If I was up against him again, I needed to know what I was dealing with. \"There's a reason why you're the smart one in the marriage,\" he said, leaning over to gently kiss me on the forehead. \"I may be the smart one, but you are by far the best one.\" I said. He was my better half, no doubt about it. From the nightstand, Rowan hesitantly reached over to grab the second letter. Just a single piece of paper was inside.\"Dear Saige,\" Rowan read. \"Even hearing him say your name—well writing it makes me angry.\" Rowan said, letting out an annoyed sigh. \"Nothing in life is easy. I don't expect this to be easy. It's not for you and it isn't for me. We've moved on, or at least tried to, changed and have tried to distance ourselves from our past. Yet here it is right in faces in large print demanding our attention.\"

65 of 295 \"You can only avoid this for so long. I think that's what taking so long. I think that's why I haven't heard from you, not a call or letter, regarding my previous letter. I really hope you're reading this; I hope this isn't just sitting in a dumpster somewhere. “ \"I'm serious about seeing my child Saige. I'm willing to follow your lead, do as you say and follow your rules. I've had great practice at following directions since I've been in here. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see my child. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. I'm willing to fight, involve the courts and lawyers, petition over and over and do the entire works, if I have to just to use the right I have to see my son.” ___________________________ Did you know? In high school, Michael Sykes was voted most likely to be famous. He was charming, charismatic, and a man of many talents. His good looks were a bonus.

66 of 295 13. Trouble In Paradise Since avoiding the issue at hand was no longer a realistic option, Rowan and I were thinking of ways to effectively deal with it. This wasn't a simple issue; we couldn't just look it up and find answers online. It was up to us to decide together. Having different ideas on how to do just that made it extremely difficult. \"Let's not get ahead of ourselves,\" he said. This one of the many late-night discussions we've been having in our bedroom. So far, we still haven't gotten anywhere. Like a dog chasing after its tail, we were going around and around in circles. \"We can't ignore other possibilities either Rowan,\" I stressed. \"We have to think ahead. What happens if things don't go our way? What happens if he does have a right?\" \"We'll fight it,\" he answered quickly. That was the solution he was sticking by, fight it and fight it and fight it again. Keeping fighting until it works. Einstein said it himself, trying the same thing over and expecting different results was insane. We weren't conducting a science experiment; this was our lives! There were no redos or undos. We had to get it right. \"Easier said than done. I don't want to drag our family through court, waste time, and money trying to win a battle I thought I had already won.\" I explained. He was a criminal accused of sexual battery. That was agreed upon years ago. I thought that implied he was to never see or contact El and I. I thought he lost that right. With everything that was going

67 of 295 on in my life at the point, there was no downtime or free time to look it up. It never came to mind. \"He's worth it Saige!\" Rowan said. \"He is worth every cent, dime, and nickel that we make!\" Rowan was willing to fight no matter the costs. I was looking beyond the financial costs, what about the mental, physical, and emotional costs? Those were just as important. Hiring a lawyer to defend me against my parents was costly. However, the mental and emotional costs skyrocketed and surpassed those costs with ease. Sleeping was a luxury I didn't have. Nightmares plagued my waking moment and those few times I did sleep. I was beyond paranoid, anxious, and depressed. My body was changing, and I felt like I couldn't keep up. There was a heavyweight on my shoulders from knowing I was going to have to take care of a child when I was still learning how to take care of myself. Rowan didn't understand that. I did. \"Seriously?\" I asked. \"You're telling me that?\" I asked in him in utter disbelief. \"I don't need you to tell me that Rowan, it's a reality—a truth I've been living since he was born.\" I explained, feeling very offended. \"I don't want to focus our resources on a lost battle when we can be focusing on how can we make the \"best-\" He laughed humorlessly, \"The best, huh?\" he asked. \"There's a good side to this?\" There goes his optimistic view out the window.

68 of 295 \"If we don't have a choice,\" I said. \"I want us to have a backup plan that will make this the least painful, the least traumatizing and difficult on all of us—especially El.\" I said. \"He deserves that! He's worth that!\" What if there was no fighting this? No other option? Time and money would be wasted. Time was too precious to use it carelessly. Our bedroom opened and in walked El in his pajamas. He was rubbing at his eyes. Guiltily, we took a step back from each other. \"I'm sorry baby, were we too loud?\" I asked, knowing we were. With each meeting we had in our room regarding this topic, our voices slowly gained volume. Foolishly, we were talking loudly to make each other hear what he had to say. It wasn’t working. He nodded, \"People in Spain could hear you,\" he said yawning. He stretched his arms upwards and out. \"Probably,\" I said forcing a laugh. \"Let's get you back to bed,\" I said, sidestepping Rowan to get to him. \"Can I have warm milk first?\" he asked with a sleepily smile. \"Right now?\" I asked. He nodded his head. \"I always get warm milk before bed.\" \"But you already did.\" \"That was before you woke me up,\" he said, emphasizing that it was our fault. 

69 of 295 \"Can you read me a chapter again dad?\" El asked Rowan, rubbing his again as he waited for an answer. Hearing the words dad was like the piercing of a dagger to his heart. \"Half of a chapter,\" Rowan said. \"A quick one and no voices,\" he said leading him back to bed. \"I'll get the milk.\" I muttered. Our guilt pushed us to give in to his demands. It's our fault he was awake, our fault because we were arguing and let our voices go above a necessary threshold. When Rowan crawled back into bed, I was there waiting, facing his side. Once he was in and under the covers, I said my final piece about the matter. \"We didn't expect your surgery Ro, but it happened.\" Gallstones as large as golf balls invaded his gallbladder causing intense pain and frequent nausea. Surgery wasn't our first choice but since diet changes didn't help, it was our final choice. Then he had to stay an extra day because of an infection afterward. \"Thankfully, we were financially prepared and had resources available to deal with it. I wasn't expecting this—Michael becoming an issue, but he is and it's an issue demanding our attention.\" I was grateful that we planned ahead.  \"But who knows what other surprises lurk around the corner. If a surprise relatively larger than this one comes around, I want us to be prepared for it financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically.\" I said softly. What if a hurricane destroyed all of this tomorrow? What if we were falsely

70 of 295 accused and sentenced to jail next week? What if we lost our jobs next month? What if El or I became ill and needed hospitalization? These questions dominated my thoughts. Our resources weren't unlimited, they needed to be spent wisely. Sighing, I said, \" I don't want us to look back weeks or months from now and regret using what have now instead of using it later when we actually need it.\" Rowan listened; his face was impassive. I hated when he did that, when he purposefully kept me from seeing what he felt. \"I get it,\" he said, nodding his head. \"But have you considered that this might be the \"relatively larger surprise\" you're waiting for?\" he asked looking at me. \"I don't know what it looks like to you but from where I'm standing this is it.\"Rowan lowered his voice, scared of waking El again. \"If we don't fight this—if we just let Michael become a part of our lives and El's life—I just don't see how that's going to work. I can't see it,\" he said, wanting to ignore what he considered to be the worst reality of them all. I wish we could just do that, but it would only hurt us down the line. \"Then get some glasses Rowan,\" I said, turning over to my other side in frustration. \"Look at the big picture and not just what you want to see.\" He was focusing on the details that appealed to him. Those wouldn't begin to give you an idea or hint of what the whole picture actually was. \"I want to see us together, happy, and unified,\" he added. \"And I don't?\" I asked flipping around.

71 of 295 \"I'm not saying that.\" he said. \"You don't have to, I'm smart enough to read between the lines.\" \"Only you can effortlessly turn a compliment into an insult,\" he said annoyed. \"I'm fighting for this family's happiness as much as you are.” \"It's not a competition,\" he said. During an argument, while my emotions started to get the best of me, Rowan could remain relatively calm. You could hear the occasional annoyance, but he could stay at a four while I was at an eight. \"Then stop making me out to be a loser. I'm trying my best, if you can't see that then you really do need glasses.\" I said, pulling the covers off of me. In the dark, I looked for my satin slippers. I couldn't stand to share the same bed with him right now. He was unbelievable! With a cup of hot tea, I angrily fumed at Michael for worming his way back into my life to finish what he started. ___________________________ Did you know? Saige can't stay mad at Rowan for long. His wit and humor chips away at the anger until all that's there is a desire to be in his loving arms again.

72 of 295 14. Eye To Eye Maintaining normalcy for El's sake was getting harder, especially since we were still upset with each other. When he was in the kitchen, I wasn't. When I was in the bedroom, he wasn't. The only time we were in the same room together was during dinner and when it was time to go to sleep. It was horrible since this wasn't like us. This wasn't our first argument and it wouldn't be our last. The flu was slowly making its rounds again. Last week, El received his flu shot so that was one less thing to worry about. A fresh pot of coffee was brewing as I sanitized the room, wiping down the items the kids touched the most. After school, El walked into my room with his backpack on one shoulder. \"You could hurt your shoulder that way.\" I said, pointing at him. \"The weight isn't equally distributed,\" He looked at me, not understanding. \"It's like a group project, your right shoulder and your left shoulder are supposed to work together to carry your backpack.\" I explained. \"But when you use one shoulder to hold up your backpack, it's like only one person doing all the work.” \"That's not fair, I'm sorry left shoulder,\" he said, slipping his backpack off completely.  \"Thomas does that all the time, he's lazy and doesn't do anything.”

73 of 295 \"And what does Mr. Greene do about it?\" I asked. \"He calls his mom, it's not working,\" said El, upset with Thomas's mother for not being more effective at controlling her son’s behavior. \"How do you know he calls his mom?” \"He tells us.” \"Who? Mr. Greene?\" \"No, Thomas. Mr. Greene can't tell us, that's breaking the law.” \"You know?\" I asked, chuckling. \"You're smarter than you look.\" \"I get it from you.\" he said. \"Mr. Greene says I'm smart like you.\" \"Does he now?\" \"Mhm,\" he said, walking around the room. The differences between my classroom and his intrigued him. \"Are you having another meeting again?” \"Yup,\" I said sighing. Malik's mom was coming in this afternoon. \"So, that means you're going to have to stay with Diamond in the other room for a little bit while I talk to a parent.” \"But that's boring,\" he said, dropping down on the chair.

74 of 295 \"Do your homework to keep you busy.\" \"Homework is for home,\" he said. Not wanting to go back and forth, I stopped writing and stared at him. He looked around the classroom, reading the posters. He pretended to not notice my unwavering stare. \"Okay!\" he said suddenly. \"I'll do it!\" he grabbed his binder out of his backpack. \"Just stop looking at me.\" \"I've been looking at you since you were born, I'm not stopping now.” \"That's violating my privacy.” Shaking my head, I went back to finishing this IEP. \"What privacy?\" I muttered under my breathe. Moving from the chair to a bean bag, he began reading the book they were reading in class. Every week they had to read a chapter of the book and do the assignments based on that chapter. The assignments were due every Friday. They included defining five new words, using them in a sentence, and finding a picture to match the definition. Another assignment was to create a profile for one of the characters based on details given so far. El's favorite was designing a movie cover based on that the chapter read that week. The chapters were short enough for him to read without getting distracted and easy enough to read without completely depending on Rowan and me to read it with him.

75 of 295 Malik's mother arrived fifteen minutes late. Without an apology, she plopped down on one of the chairs and said, \"Tell me Saige, do you really think you can help him?\"    ~.~.~.~.~ Having silence among us was weird for Rowan and me. He was the first person I told everything to. I wanted to talk about my day and ask about his. These last couple of days, we've been tiptoeing around each other. Acting polite but not being ourselves. Both of us were still upset, more with the current situation than with each other. \"How was your day?\" he asked, moving around the kitchen to gather the ingredients he needed to make dinner. \"Good,\" I said, opening the fridge to grab some strawberries. Last week, I bought two whole boxes but now we were down to one. They were so sweet; they were all I've been craving. \"Yours?\" I asked, cutting them up into smaller pieces. \"Good too.” \"Good.\" I said, reaching into the cabinet to grab a Splenda packet. I sprinkled it on the strawberries then left the kitchen without saying a word. ~.~.~.~.~ To keep El from eavesdropping on me, I went outside to speak to Laylah and Rya on the phone. I threw my head back and laughed. Rya and Wes were still crazy in love, nothing

76 of 295 has changed in that area. Yet, now that she was expecting she was crazier than ever. Rya wasn't even in her fourth month yet but she was complaining about the weight gain and the hair loss. She didn't know the half of it. The only one of us without a child was Lay. After all these years, she and Ricardo still could've gotten it right. She was doing her thing up in New York, working as a nurse in the intensive care unit, he was still down here doing who knows what. Sometimes two people weren't meant to be together. \"Okay girls, it's time for me to start getting ready for work. I'll talk to you later. Love you both.\" Lay said. \"I've got to go, this baby got me craving apple pie,\" said Rya. \"I don't even like apple,\" she groaned. \"We'll talk soon, love you crazies!” \"Love you guys, good night.\" I said, hanging up the phone. Moments like this made me miss being back in college. When there was a problem or an issue, I would run to them seeking comfort, advice, and a fresh perspective. Now we were scattered around the U.S, managing on our lives, and doing our own things. Sprawled out on the seat outside, I played two games of solitaire after the call, won both and wanted to keep the streak going. Accompanying the month of November was a night chill. The air was fresh, and the stars shined brightly up in the sky. Out of nowhere, a feeling of sadness washed over me.

77 of 295 I was thinking about her again. I didn't actually know if it was a boy or girl. In my mind, I liked to think of it as a girl. It all happened so fast; I didn't know. It just happened then it clicked, and I understood. Based on my calculations, I was probably four weeks along. My periods were very irregular, so I stopped keeping track and literally went with the flow. It was just another thing, another burden I would have to carry on my shoulders. Sighing, I exited out the app and longingly stared at my wallpaper. It was our wedding day. In his tux, El sat on top of Rowan's shoulders. One of Rowan's hands steadied him and the other held on to my hand. \"No need to admire yourself,\" said Rowan. \"You still look beautiful.\" I scoffed, \"Yeah, that's what I was doing.\" He handed me an airhead that he must have grabbed from the candy jar. I moved my legs off the seat to make more room for him. \"Then what were you doing?\" he said, licking a lollipop. \"Thinking,\" I said. \"Our wedding day was a disaster.\" I added, chuckling at the thought. It was one thing after another. Lay called a week before to say she wouldn't be able to make it. She was stuck at home with the flu. She had a nagging cough, chills, a fever and she could barely move. Not having a maid of honor was the tip of the iceberg. Although my dress looked good on me at my last fitting, it was suddenly too small on the actual day. The diet I was on to maintain my weight or lose it did not work. I felt like a seal trying to fit into a tube. The stress must've gotten to me and

78 of 295 added on extra pounds. The actual ceremony started later than intended because our wedding planner wasn't here to make it run smoothly. Additionally, Rowan couldn't find his tux. It was a two- hour search resulting in complete failure. During the actual ceremony, the tightness of the dress was catching up to me and I started hyperventilating. To solve the fashion emergency, Rowan's mom was sweet enough to cut a few pieces here and there to loosen it up without making it reveal anything. At his young age, El was excited to be given the responsibility of being the ring bearer. It was his only job, we wanted to include him in the ceremony. Still in his clumsy state, he tripped over his shoelaces. Our rings started rolling like fallen change. United with a shared mission the guests tried to get them, but they rolled and rolled and rolled until they went overboard into the deep blue water. \"Yeah,\" he said grinning, able to find humor in it then and now. \"It was something alright, but we got the job down. We've made it this far, that's all that matters.\" he said grabbing my hand. \"I don't want to fight Saige,\" He intertwined his large man hands with mine. \"Neither do I, I-\" I looked at him and smiled softly. Shaking my head, I said, \"I can't take you seriously with that Ro,\" Rowan was still holding to stick of the lollipop. \"What? The lollipop?\" he asked.

79 of 295 I nodded. \"Really?\" he asked, biting it until it cracked and all that was left was the gum. \"As I was saying, I'm not letting this,\" he said regarding the issue. \"come between us. It's just another hurdle to jump over.\" I nodded again in agreement. \"So, what do you propose we do?\" I asked. \"I've been doing some research and I've talked to some people.\" he pulled a card out of his pocket and showed it to me. \"Teresa Ontaro,\" he read. \"I heard she's good and knows her stuff. She might be able to help us out.\" \"You want us to hire a lawyer?\" I asked, mentally calculating the costs. We were financially stable, but we weren't rich. \"Not exactly, I think we should consult with her and get some legal advice. Maybe she knows something we don't— something we haven't even considered.\" It sounded like our best option. \"Okay,\" I said hesitantly. \"It's better than what we've come up with as of now,\" he said. \"It can't hurt to try.\" he added. \"Okay, let's do it.\" It was the first time we were seeing eye to eye all week. \"Good,\" he said, rubbing his hands together. \"Does this mean we've made up now?” \"Yeah,\"

80 of 295 \"So, you're talking to me again?\" he asked, lifting himself up and giving me a hand up too. \"You're the one who was ignoring me.\" \"Nope, you wouldn't even look at me,\" he said. \"You looked right through me. You left me all alone on my side of the bed. I've actually had personal space; I haven't had that in years. I don't even know what to do with it now.\" I nudged him, \"Don't get used to it.\" I said, heading inside the house. \"Wouldn't dream of it.\" he said, grinning as he shut the door behind us. ___________________________ Did you know? Saige is a cover hogger. Rowan is constantly waking up in the middle of the night, feeling a cold draft and goosebumps all over his arms.

81 of 295 15. Justice Is Served \"Love you!\" El said enthusiastically, jumping out of the car to head inside to talk to his friends before school. \"Have a good day!\" said the safety patrol, shutting the door afterward. \"You too.\" Rowan and I both said to her. Ontaro & Blakey Law firm was located downtown. It half an hour to drive there then it took an additional ten minutes to find parking. Rowan and I walked hand in hand on the streets, it was at least a five-minute walk, especially with traffic, from the parking garage to the firm. In the elevator, we clicked on the third-floor button. \"What?\" I asked. \"Do I have something on my face?\" I asked, wiping at the corners of my mouth. I was eating a muffin in the car. \"No, you're good,\" he said. \"I'm just sorry you have to go through all this Saige, you don't deserve this.” \"I should be saying that to you Rowan, you don't deserve this. You could be with Danielle right-“ \"Don't even Saige, that's not even funny,\" he said grimacing.

82 of 295 I chuckled softly, \"You're still not over that?\" I asked. I knew he wasn't. \"I said sorry.” He looked at me from the corner of his eyes. \"That was one of the most awkward situations in my entire life. I've never been so uncomfortable.” \"Could've fooled me.\" I said. \"I don't want to be with anyone but you. If I'm going to go through life with anyone, it's going to be you Saige, not Danielle or any other woman,\" he said. \"Those could be your renewal vows.” \"Someone's got jokes today,\" he said, guiding us down the hallway. \"Just trying to lighten up the moment,\" I said, tightly holding on to the folder. We spoke on the phone with her before our appointment today so she could some preliminary research. \"It's either laugh or cry, I choose the first one.\" He gently squeezed my hand. \"Me to baby, me too.\" The receptionist was kind enough and told us to have a seat until Mrs. Ontaro was ready to see us. We've done enough talking in the car. I leaned against Rowan, watching him find deals on Groupon. \"Mr. and Mrs. Harley?” \"Yes.\" We both said, standing up abruptly off the chairs.

83 of 295 \"Teresa Ontaro,\" she spoke with a slight accent. She offered her hand for both of us to shake. She had a firm handshake. Respect. Her dark olive-colored skin was free from blemishes. I wish my skin was like that. \"It's nice to meet both of you, if only it was under better circumstances,\" she said, leading us to her office. Both of our heels clicked against the tile floor. If there were better circumstances, we wouldn’t be here, and neither would many of her clients. She opened the door, ushering us both in. \"Please, have a seat,\" she said, moving behind the desk to take her seat. On her white walls were diplomas and plaques communicating her wealth of knowledge and experience. A single photo stuck out to me; it was of her family. In the photo, she and her husband sat on the floor of a studio as their two children, a girl and boy, wrapped their arms around each of their necks. She would understand. \"We have a lot to talk about,\" she said clasping her hands. \"Let's get to it.” ~.~.~.~.~ Rowan was right, she knew her stuff. She was worth the drive here and the pain of finding parking. She answered all of our questions directly and provides elaborations as needed. The world needed more lawyers like her.  We were getting the most bang for our buck, something that couldn't be said for all lawyers. Essentially, it wasn't up to us. We could fight it, but the odds weren’t in our favor. Once again, I would have to go to court and discuss the first trial in detail. To make my case

84 of 295 effective, I needed to appeal to the judge's emotions and reveal the sensitive information that was shared in the first trial to paint him Michael as the criminal he was. I thought his imprisonment was proof of that! According to Mrs. Ontaro, even that angle had its limits and downfalls. Michael has paid his dues to society. Justice has technically been served in a sense. Her computer screen was turned toward us so we could see it. She sat against her chair. Even her posture was perfect. One handed pointed at the screen and the other held a pen. On her desk were her notes with topics to discuss with us. \"Sex offender?\" I said, clutching the chair. \"He's a sex offender.\" I repeated. Often, I thought of sex offenders as old creepy men who preyed on small children on the playground on in chat rooms. Michael just didn't fit the image of what I believed or thought a sex offender to be. \"Yes,\" she repeated. \"And he will be for life.\" Her short black hair swished as she moved around. Her voice was naturally rough and each word she uttered sounded like a punch. In this field, her touch exterior came in handy. With her kids, she was probably the sweetest and gentlest woman you'd ever know. My parents were unable to separate work and home, it blended together and eventually became one. Coming home, they were the same people they were at the firm. Tough, direct, driven, and always trying to come out on top. Dinner

85 of 295 sometimes felt like a never-ending trial. Making a request required negotiations. Punishments felt like sentences. \"And it makes sense for them to let him see his child? A child who is only eight years old?\" asked Rowan. \"I don't make the rules,\" she said raising her hand. \"I explain them. Unfortunately, that makes me the bearer of bad news most of the time.” Above her head, the clock read 10:30. It's been an hour already. Much was said but none of it was good. We learned a lot and had a better idea of what we were facing. \"Look, I hate to say this considering the circumstances and all you've been through,\" she said, making eye contact with me specifically. \"But the best thing you could possibly do is make the best of this.\" How were we supposed to that? It's like asking me to build a tower with rope, sticks, and sand. I could see how Rowan felt now. \"Take control of the situation.\" What little control we had involved having a say in dictating or limiting how often they saw each other. She walked us through the process. We won't be contacted about it directly until Michael is settled in, stable, and reintegrated into society. Additionally, he had to do additional therapy, obey his probation, and adhere to the sex offender requirements. If he proved to be successful and therefore serious about seeing his child, the court would contact us. El would have to see a psychologist to ensure he's mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared for such a meeting between him and

86 of 295 his father. I didn't need to be a psychologist to tell them that he wasn't. But who cares what I think? I'm just his mother. If the psychologist green-lighted him, El would continue to see a psychologist regularly to monitor his wellbeing and ensure his father wasn't having a detrimental toll on him. At every meeting, a designated supervisor would be in the room with both of them for their protection. What could El do to him? \"Instead of fighting it, show yourself to be reasonable individuals.\" Earlier, she explained being reasonable, mature, and proactive meant explaining all of this to my son before it happened. She advised that we do it sooner rather than later. If we didn't do it, the court would do it for us. They would tell the truth in the manner they saw fit, leaving, or adding what they feel was necessary. She emphasized a sense of urgency. Now that Michael is released, his request is going to be taken seriously and would be processing. \"State your claims and your worries and make your own request,\" she explained. \"I hate to say this as well but remind them that you're the victim Mrs. Harley, they'll start bending over to please you and do right by you,\" she added. \"You have an upper hand, use it wisely.” I nodded my head, appreciating the time she took to see us and discuss this sensitive matter with us. The ride back home was quiet. We were each in our own thoughts and submerged in our own feelings of despair and hopelessness.

87 of 295 ___________________________ Did you know? El often tries to find similarities between him and Rowan. Physically, he's having trouble finding any. In terms of their personality, they're both funny and kind and like to help others. He's still searching for more.

88 of 295 16. Dreading The Talk In my lifetime, I thought the only talk I was going to dread having with El was the one about sex. Talking to El about his biological father was three times as bad. \"Mom, I have another question,\" El sat at the head of the dining room table with his paper and binder laid out in front of him. His backpack was on the floor beside him. \"Coming,\" I said, removing the oven mitts from my hands. Being a mom required having the ability to efficiently multi-task. I was making a casserole for dinner, doing laundry since El's uniforms were all dirty, and helping him with his homework. Lately, Rowan has staying later at the gym. Working out was his way of blowing out steam and handling everything that was going on. \"I don't get it,\" he said, angrily letting out a breath of air. \"Benjamin says I'm stupid because I have to go and see Ms. Hawthorne.\" He crossed his arms. \"You're not stupid El,” As a parent, all you want is to protect your child from harm. The hardest thing to come to terms with as a parent is that you can't protect them from everything.  \"You're just saying that because you have to.\" His lips were pursed together. His black and white shirt was getting

89 of 295 too small for him, I could tell by the way it clung to his chest tightly.  \"Would I lie to you?\" I asked. \"No,\" he muttered. \"Then why do I need to go see her?\" He rested his head on the palm of his hand. \"Diamond—Mrs. Hawthorne is here to help you be the best you can be, that's all. You know how you get your Ds and your Bs or your Ms and your Ns mixed up when you’re reading and writing?\" I asked. He nodded his head, \"Not everyone has trouble with that, but you do so she's here to give you some extra help. Nothing is wrong with help, right?\" Mr. Greene brought to my attention how he felt El's dyslexia was getting worse instead of better. His grades on his spelling tests would be higher if he didn't transpose letters. Verbally, he could spell them but on paper the letters got jumbled up. He wasn't going to like it, but he might have to spend more time with her than in his regular classroom for more help. \"But that means you're too weak to do it alone,\" he said. \"Going through life alone is boring El, it's way more fun when you've got friends and family to help you.\" I explained. \"If you were stranded on an island, would you want to be on it all alone?\" I asked. \"No,\" he mumbled.

90 of 295 \"Exactly,\" I said, leaning over to kiss his forehead. \"Now, about your question. I looked over today's assignment. \"I can't find the word poverty.\" he said. I scanned the dictionary; he was on the right page. It wasn't there. \"Let's ask Google.” \"Poor.\" El repeated, choosing the synonym of the word. \"Katie is poverty,\" he said, reading the sentence he wrote. \"Uh, that's not how it works.\" I said. \"Poverty is like the condition or the state of being poor. Look at the model sentence.\" I said, pointing at it with my finger. \"Many people in the world are living in poverty.\" he read. \"It wouldn't make sense to say many people in the world are living poor.\" \"Katie is living in poverty,\" he said, correcting his sentence. \"Good, but now make it your own.\" \"You're such a teacher,\" he said groaning with his head hanging backward. \"Thank you,\" I said, squeezing his cute face with my hands. \"It why I went to school.\" \"Kate is living in poverty because her family does not have food to eat every day.\" he said, looking up at me for approval.

91 of 295 I gave him a thumbs up and let him get back to work independently. I checked on the casserole in the oven before heading to the back room. The first load of laundry was done washing. I transferred them to the dryer and hit start. Then I shoved the colored clothes into the washing machine and added some Tide. Returning back the kitchen, I started making banana pudding for Rowan. It was one of his favorite desserts. I was hoping it would cheer him up. We could use some more of that. Although I didn't cook often, I've been doing it a lot lately to help ease the tension and stress my husband was feeling. Hearing what Mrs. Ontaro had to say was beneficial but it didn't make what we had to do easy. Everything became real once we walked out of her office. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't made me feel really down. I was starting to have several more reasons why I didn't like the month of November. ___________________________ Did you know? Rowan likes working out to think things through, relieve stress, and improve or maintain his health. He usually finishes his workout with several laps in the pool before hitting the showers. Since Saige doesn't want him to become \"too buff and muscled like a bodybuilder\" he eased up on the weights.

92 of 295 17. Another One His face was covered with vanilla ice cream, most of it went on his face instead of his mouth. His spoon laid in his empty cup. He swung his legs back and forth as he sat against the couch. Not wanting to scare him with formalities, we kept it calm, chill, and casual. \"Another one?\" asked El confused. His eyebrows furrowed together, and his hand tapped his chin. He associated the action with thinking. \"Why do I need two?\" he asked. Life worked in pairs: two feet, two hands, two sides of the brain, and two ears and the list goes on. \"I only need one.\" He looked at Rowan. Clearly, Rowan was the chosen one. El crossed his arms, opposed to hearing any more of this. Easing into the topic was harder than I thought, and I feared it was going to be challenging. \"You have a biological dad El,\" I explained. \"And you have Ro.\" I added seconds afterward. \"I don't get it,\" he said, he said shrugging his shoulders. He wasn't even trying. \"I can't have two real dads. One is real and one is fake,\" he explained, holding up to fingers. \"I don't want a fake dad,\" he said referring to Michael, but he didn't know that. I let my head dropped and sighed. Clearly, my method was ineffective. We weren't getting anywhere. Rowan took it from there, \"Michael—Michael Sykes that's his name,\" said Rowan. \"He's your real dad, I'm the f-fake dad as you called

93 of 295 it.\" Rowan cracked his knuckles, held his head up high, and maintained eye contact with El. \"This is not a funny joke,\" said El, shaking his head left and right. \"I don't like it.\" He pouted his lips as his chest began to heave quicker than before. My shoulders dropped and my heart sank knowing we were doing this to him, I was hurting him. \"We're not joking El, I may not be to your \"real dad\" but to me you're my son. No one and nothing could ever change that.” \"I don't believe you,\" said El, defiantly raising his chin. His arms were still crossed, shielding him from the harsh truth which he interpreted as a cruel joke. Rowan grabbed the picture from my hand. He left my side to lower himself next to the couch El sat on. He showed him the picture. \"Look at this El,\" he said, pointing at Michael's almond-shaped eyes which El inherited. Then he pointed to El's similar shaped eyes. He pointed out the freckles decorating Michael's arms and legs then pointed at the faint ones against El's neck. They were mainly on his neck, a few on his collarbone, and a couple on his lower back. He continued pointing out the similarities, the ones coming from shared genes. He starred at the photo, looking between it and himself. Trying to make his mind understand. \"But you're my dad! Mom told me so!\" he said, balling up his hands into fists. \"You lied to me! You lied!\" he repeated angrily, piercing my heart with knives. He covered his ears with his hands like he did when he younger than ran to his bedroom. His cries

94 of 295 could be heard, they led to him like the crumbs left on a trail to find one's way back home. When El stormed away into his room, the dam burst, and I broke down again into Rowan's welcoming arms. \"It's okay,\" he said. \"We didn't expect it to be easy.” That night, El refused to come out of his room. There was no story time or quick hugs and kisses before bed. He didn't try to negotiate a later bedtime with us or make us laugh with his unique humor. The next morning El refused to speak to us, either of us. He dressed himself without help. After school, he dropped down on a chair in my room and did homework until it was time to leave. In the car, he silently stated at the window and occasionally hit his head softly against the headrest. It's one of the many subtle things he does when he's upset. ___________________________ Did you know? El cried himself to sleep after Saige and Rowan told him. He feels like his life is falling apart. He doesn't understand why they lied to him. They're his best friends and his parents. Friends and parents shouldn't lie to each other. So, why did they? All the thinking and all those questions make him angry.

95 of 295 18. White Flag ~Early December ~ El's anger was slowly, very slowly, dissipating as we coaxed him to come to us. The curiosity was replacing it. He wanted to know why I never told him. To protect him. He wanted to know why I married Rowan and not his dad. I loved Rowan. Dislike wouldn't begin to explain what I felt for Michael. He wanted to know if Michael knew about him. Yes. He wanted to know why Michael went to jail. Sexual battery but I didn't tell him that. He wanted to know specifically what bad thing Michael did. He hurt someone. I gave him enough answers to keep him satisfied but I didn't divulge it all. He was too young, and he wouldn't understand it anyway. Dr. Jimenez gave me a clean bill of health. She was the only person who knew about my miscarriage. I went straight to her wanting to know if it impacted my chances of getting pregnant again. Thankfully it didn't or else I would be forced to tell Rowan. She assured me it normal to feel as I did. Although I didn't know I was pregnant until I wasn't, there was a longing for the connection. Also, there was the shame that I was drowning in. Each time I saw her, she suggested seeking therapy or talking to Rowan about it. \"I'm sure he'll understand,\" she said. He would understand, no doubt about it. But he would also pity me, find a way to blame himself too

96 of 295 so I didn't have to shoulder the burden alone. Then there would be that unspoken disappointment. Rowan presented having a baby like it was a simple desire he had, it was more than that. He longed to jump up and down with excitement upon hearing that I was expecting. He longed watching my stomach slowly grow, matching the growing life inside. He longed to create a competition, wanting to see who guess how round my stomach would at nine months. He longed to hold his child in his arms, watching him or her clutch tightly onto his fingers, and silently vow to love the and protect him or her forever.  \"See you Saige!\" said Devon. I waved back at her and walked out to the car. I turned the radio on as I drove, switching it from a children’s radio station to something more adultish. The positive and upbeat song that played didn't match how I felt but a little happiness never killed anyone. Although El hasn't called Rowan dad lately, he made it clear that he hasn't forgiven us for lying. He has been told all his life that lying was bad but then we went and did exactly that. \"You hurt my feelings,\" he said. \"and you didn't even say sorry.\" Eventually, all parents become hypocrites. Some intentional and others unintentional. I've raised El with values and morals and with certain standards. Once Rowan and I married, we've worked together to instill in him a healthy self-esteem, respect for all, politeness, manners, and a sense of right and wrong. Through words and action, Rowan was teaching how to be a man. You love and respect the women around you, especially the woman

97 of 295 who gave birth to you. You honor your word. You respect life. You keep your hands to yourself. Their list of dos was steadily growing. Since my doctor's appointment was around three, Rowan was picking El from school. Rowan was hoping they could go out for ice cream to smooth things over between them. Driving into our neighborhood, I could hear the cop cars and the sirens. I hoped it wasn't anything too serious. I may not know everyone in the neighborhood, or wanted to, but we occasional participated in the community events hosted by the association. We mingled with the neighbors, sometimes complaining about the never-ending association fees. Getting to our house could be confusing if you weren't used to the area. After the entrance, you went straight until Sterling Street. There, you made a right on Willow Ave and another right on the upcoming street. Finally, you would arrive at Martin Street. That's the street we lived on and that's the street that was covered with police cars. Guess whose driveway there were in? Life was really kicking us while we were already down. Was it too late to start waving a white flag? ___________________________ Did you know? Saige's doctor has seen and met many women like Saige. They're afraid to tell others even their husbands about a miscarriage. They blame their bodies and ultimately themselves for not knowing or preventing it. Their biggest enemy is not their bodies but themselves.

98 of 295 19. His Arrest \"Mommy!\" yelled El, breaking away from the officer’s hold. He wrapped his arms tightly around me. Eyes wet with tears and body shaking with sobs. I knelt down to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. \"They took him! They took him! They took him.\" He fell into repetitive phrases when he was upset, struggling to complete the thoughts in his head with following sentences. To him, saying they took him was saying it all. \"He's gone. He's going to jail like Michael!\" he cried into the fabrics of my blouse. \"Are you Mrs. Harley?” asked the officer. Being around an officer either made me feel very safe or very uneasy. Right now, I was feeling the latter. He towered over me. \"Yes, that's me,\" I said, struggling to stand up with El's firm hold on me. \"I'm officer Walden,\" he said, nodding his head curtly. His mustache moved above his mouth as he spoke. His was voice was gruff and lacked warmth. Neighbors watched from their porches, looked through the peepholes and their blinds. These were the same neighbors whose kids attended El's school, saw him in the hallways, and waved at us as we left or came home. What would they think of us now?

99 of 295 \"Your husband has been arrested,\" he said flatly. \"Arrested?\" I asked, bewildered. \"For speeding?\" I asked, blurting the first thing that came to mind. I was aware that my husband had a need for speed sometimes. \"What could my husband possibly be arrested for?” \"First degree felony for embezzlement,\" he said, judging me already. I was the wife of a criminal, just another person to keep away from society. \"We have a search warrant,\" he said, showing me a piece of paper. Did I look like I knew what a search warrant looked like? It could've been forged by Wyatt's 16-year-old daughter, our next-door neighbors, then printed using their office printer. I wouldn't have known the difference. I heard of them, knew their purpose but I've never seen one. Walking into the house, it was like a tornado blew right through here. Drawers and cabinets looked ransacked with papers sticking out and thrown all over the floor. Other officers walked in and out of rooms. El and I were stationed in the living room on the couch, unable to move or leave so we didn't tamper or move any potential evidence. One officer stood on guard; his stare was unwavering through his dark black sunglasses.  El was sitting on me with my arms protectively wrapped around him. I rocked back and forth, rubbing his head and whispering comforting words to him. \"It's going to be okay El.\" Was it Saige? Was it really? He didn't believe me. In his eyes, I had already been branded a liar.

100 of 295 \"Let's play a game,\" I suggested, wanting to take his mind far from here. He shook his head, burying his face in the crook of my neck. \"I want Rowan,\" he said softly. So do I El. ___________________________ Did you know? The neighbors watching are currently assuming Rowan is being arrested for drugs or domestic violence. The Harley family is too happy. Their family seems too good to be true.