Out of The Mommy Box

201 of 295 39. Meeting Michael • ~Early February~ The designated supervisor, Michelle Adams sat at the head of the table. This was completely natural, an everyday thing for her I'm sure. El took a seat across from Michael. I sat on El's left side. He was tightly holding on to my right hand. I gently squeezed it; I was here. I wasn't going anywhere at least not without him. \"Elliot Carter Harley,\" he said, outstretching his hand to shake Michael's. \"Michael Theodore Sykes,\" he said, shaking El's hands. \"It's nice to meet you Elliot.\" His skin was pale, blue eyes darker than I remembered and face not as blemish-free as I remembered. There were cuts along his face. His hair was gone, replaced by a buzz cut, courtesy of the prison I presume. El didn't reciprocate the sentiment. He didn't even bring Michael a gift, saying he didn't deserve it. I kept my mouth shut after that. \"Do you know who I am?\" he asked hesitantly. The last time I saw him, he was wearing a nice suit costing more than our mortgage. Now he was sitting before me in blue jeans and a white shirt covered with a green flannel.

202 of 295 \"A criminal,\" he said. \"My dad,\" he added, ashamedly looking away. Michael didn't expect the brutal truth. \"You don't want to see me, do you?\" he asked softly, cracking his knuckles to calm his nerves. El shrugged, \"I just want my family to be happy.\" \"I'm not here to jeopardize that—ruin your family,\" he said, leaning closer. \"I just want to get to know you Elliot. I want to get to know my son.\" His hands were slightly shaking. He balled his hands into a fist, realizing the negative connotations of such a move he then lowered them. I flinched. During the meeting or even after, I wasn't allowed to say or do anything that would influence El in any way. Michael and I were strongly encouraged to ignore each other's presence and not say a word to each other. We said what we had to say in court to a judge many years ago. I sat calmly, thanks to the Xanax. I didn't touch my prescription often, only when I really needed it. I wasn't trying to get addicted. \"Fine, if you have to,\" El said, leaning his head on his hand. He wasn't given much detail about the evaluations and I couldn't tell him. They didn't want him to purposely fail yet he was smart. Once he realized the connection between the evaluations and seeing Michel, he wished he could redo them all over again.

203 of 295 \"What do you want to know?\" he asked, sitting up straighter in the chair. My little boy looked so mature, sitting up tall and upright like we practiced. \"Anything you want to tell me.\" El chose to talk about the most mundane things: school and his favorite tv shows. Nothing was really about him. He could've shared parts of his childhood, his hobbies, his likes and dislikes, or even his family life, but he purposely steered clear of those topics. Michael was smart though; he'd pick up on things during El's monologue. I was relieved when the time was up, I didn't start breathing normally again until I was back in the car. \"What did you think?\" I asked him, turning back from my seat to look at him. \"He doesn't look like a criminal,\" said El hesitantly, struggling to understand what had happened. They don't always do. Michael didn't fit his expectations of what a criminal looked or what someone who has been to prison looked like. He had no tattoos and no piercings. Maybe I was the only one perceptive enough to see the faint scars and healing bruises. He fastened his seat belt then leaned against the cushioned seat. He was absolutely handsome in his outfit. He and Rowan picked it out together. Rowan wanted to still part of this day

204 of 295 although he couldn't physically be present. Rowan was unable to come because his pretrial conference was scheduled for today. \"What does a criminal look like?\" I asked. \"I can't describe it, you just know,\" he said, staring out the window. \"He looks like a normal person... a normal dad.\" A normal dad that's been convicted of sexual battery, locked up for seven years, and who missed almost eight years of his son's life. Yup, that is the definition of normal. \"When do I have to come again?\" he asked, leaning his head against the headrest as he stared out the window. \"Next month.\" \"You're coming too, right?\" he asked, moving to look at me through the rearview mirror.  “ Mhm,\" I said, staring back at him from the mirror as I turned the wheel to drive away from this place. ___________________________ Did you know? El likes the idea of having a relationship with his dad. Yet, it's a bridge he doesn't know how to cross. There are so many questions he doesn't know how to answer. Does it make him a bad person to see his dad? Will his dad rub off on him? Is he more likely to be a criminal because his dad is a criminal? How does his mom feel about this? Can he love them both equally or will he have to love her less to be able

205 of 295 to love him? What about Rowan? Does this mean he isn't Rowan's son anymore? Will he have to live with Michael some days and his mom and Rowan other days like Emma does with her parents? He feels like his mom is still hiding something from him. He can feel it. One day he'll ask her about it. Right now, there's too much going on in his life to open such a huge can of worms!

206 of 295 40. Moving Towards A Trial Rowan and my parents were already at the house when I arrived. I really hoped they came back with good news. El retreated from his reflective and pensive mood upon seeing his grandpa. It amazed me how quickly he became attached to him. However, I was worried about what was to happen after all this was over. Were we going to cut ties again? Would we go another eight years without contact? Whatever we chose to do would now impact my son. Therefore, I had to the right thing for him, whatever that may be. \"Grandpa!\" he said, running to hug him. \"There's my boy,\" my dad said, giving him a high five before hugging him. \"How'd you do?\" El asked him. \"How'd you do?\" asked my dad. \"That's the real question, today was a big day for you. How was it?\" he asked, patting his back. Although he felt that Michael should have no contact with El whatsoever, he knew that there was no way around it. My mom showed indifference towards the entire thing. Hopefully, it was just a facade and somewhere in her heart she felt something. Growing up, she never really cried,

207 of 295 sobbed, or broke down before me. At least I don't remember her doing so. It was logical for me to grow up doing the same. It's taken me years to realize that crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's not wrong, it's right! It's a healthy way to express yourself! It's human to feel. It's human to cry. Even animals feel, so what's your excuse for trying so hard not to? \"It was okay,\" he said shrugging. \"One hour took a long time. During recess, one hour feels like five minutes,\" he said rolling his eyes. \"Time is all relative.\" \"So, did we win?\" asked El, taking a seat beside him. He looked between my parents and Rowan. \"What am I chopped liver?\" asked Rowan. \"I want some love too?\" El chuckled then walked over to hug Rowan. He then asked my mom permission to hug her. It was a question that caught her off guard but was necessary. She hasn't opened the door for physical communication, so he had to ask. My son understood boundaries and he respected them!  As a mother, it made me proud. \"You are looking sharp my man,\" Rowan said, admiring his stylistic choices. After much deliberation, they agreed upon burgundy colored pants, a white shirt and a navy-blue sweater on top, and white slip-on shoes.

208 of 295 \"It's what I do,\" El said, smiling. He returned to his grandpa's side. I took a seat next to Rowan, squeezing myself next to him. He wrapped an arm around me to help me get comfortable. \"The trial wasn't today El,\" said my father. \"But things are moving along,\" he said. \"The trial is scheduled for May 4th, it's going to be a long day.” \"Can I come?\" he asked eagerly. \"You have school El.\" I said. \"If I didn't have school, could I come?\" he asked. \"No, you wouldn't be allowed to.\" I answered. \"That sucks,\" he said pouting his lips and deflating like a popped balloon. \"It sucks that we have to go period.\" I mumbled, crossing my arms. \"I second that,\" Rowan said chuckling nervously. He loosened his navy tie. It was one of his favorites. \"You wouldn't enjoy it anyway,\" said my dad. \"It's just a bunch of old people talking back and forth,\" he added dismissively. \"But it's where my family is at,\" he muttered. \"It's where I should be too.\"

209 of 295 Rowan smiled softly at his words. \"We'll go out a celebrate as a family,\" he said, implying victory. \"That is if it's okay with everyone,\" he added. There was a general agreement. The real conversation didn't start until El left the room to undress and start working on his essay. \"Your mom,\" said my dad grinning. \"nailed all of their arguments. We're prepared for this.\" He rubbed his hands excitedly. For my father being in a courtroom was natural; like a field to a footballer or a court for a basketball player. It was time to play hardball and come out on top again. \"Finally, good news.\" I said sighing with relief. Rowan rubbed my arm comfortingly. \"They are insistent that Rowan takes the stand, so he will.\" He nodded his head at the valid request. \"I didn't disagree because I am fully confident that he won't be a blubbering idiot or make a fool of himself,\" he said. There was a compliment hidden somewhere in there. \"We've been practicing and rehearsing, you'll know what to do.\" \"I'm ready.\" Rowan said, cracking his knuckles. \"I just wish I didn't have to wait this long,\" he groaned. \"It'll be here before you know it,\" my dad said, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand. So, it wasn't just me who was feeling fatigued from these trial-related meetings, activities, and planning.

210 of 295 \"So what evidence are they going to provide?\" I asked, wanting to be caught up. \"Well, they're going to make it evident that they entrusted Rowan with their property. That alone carries a lot of significance and it's going to be fairly easy to show,\" he explained. \"Also, they're going to show how he fits the profile of an embezzler. And he does,\" my dad said plainly. \"But anyone could in reality.\" \"What's the profile of an embezzler?\" I asked. \"Well,\" said my mom, jumping into the conversation. \"Rowan fits the profile perfectly because embezzlers by nature aren't like typical violent and anti-social criminals,\" she said. \"They blend into businesses and are good employees. They have trusting relationships, a normal family life, but their family and friends have no idea what's going on at work. They're like con artists, they'll sweet talk you out of your money and win your trust easily.” I could see Rowan fitting the profile but so could anyone! You're supposed to trust the manager of your business. If not, why would you entrust then with your property? \"And shortly after he supposedly began to embezzle some money, he made some costly purchase and lifestyle changes. They're attributing those changes to the embezzlement. For example, he got married, “she said deadpan. Did she want an invite or something? Why did the thought of my marriage upset her? Nothing pleased my mom! \"He went on a lavish honeymoon and purchased a brand new house.\"

211 of 295 \"What a coincidence,\" I sighed. \"How do you they even know all that?\" \"You would be surprised how much of people's lives are public information,\" she answered, crossing her legs. \"Secondly,\" my dad said, continuing along. \"he temporarily worked as the internal auditor for Fitness First as they struggled to find a replacement.\" Rowan majored in fitness and business and minored in finance. \"Being the internal auditor and a fitness trainer allowed him to move up in ranks to be the manger. He understood the fitness part of the business and most importantly the financial part. \" \"Okay.\" I said hesitantly. \"There are books missing, which they had recreated by a skilled auditor,\" he paused. \"who they're probably paying to make to the missing books,\" he added. \"Several books are missing during the time he was auditing. Mr. Orman and Mr. Balker have created marked bills and checked for the missing deposited money. They're presenting those in courts.” Why go through all this work to frame an innocent man? Didn’t they know it was his life on the line? \"And then there are some false books which they claimed he forged to maintain the appearance of normalcy in the record keeping,\" he explained, taking a sip of his cup of coffee. It was from Loco Coco, I knew that scent from

212 of 295 anywhere. \"The books are done online using Rowan's accounts, but everyone knows how hackable those things are,\" He scoffed. \"He could've easily left the accounts open on his computer, stepped out for one second and boom!\" she says clapping his fingers. \"Someone could've tampered with the books on his account. It's that easy.\" \"If he's apparently been doing this for years, why wait so long?\" I asked, throwing my hands in the air. \"Why wait for him to embezzle all that money before doing something?\" That sounded counterintuitive. I would confront them the minute I knew to prevent them from embezzling more money. But that was me, they were filthy rich, losing a couple thousand to prove a point was nothing. Rowan answered, \"They've been doing a sting operation for a year. They've been waiting, wanting to get the right guy,\" he said, turning to look at me. \"Once they felt like they compiled enough evidence to get him, that's what they did.\" he said, rubbing his chin. \"They got him, and that guy is supposedly me.” ___________________________ Did you know? Michael cried after meeting his son. He hadn't even left the room yet, he was sitting there, and he just started crying and sobbing. He spent the previous years of his life locked away, unable to form a relationship with his son. He saw the weariness and uneasiness in his son's eyes. He was scared of him. He was scared he would hurt him. He noticed the way he held on to Saige's hand, comforted by her touch. It wasn't going to be easy, but he hoped there wouldn't always be such an ocean-wide distance between them. He

213 of 295 didn't know all there was to know about his son, but he did know he loved him and would do anything to make him happy.

214 of 295 41. The Missing Puzzle Pieces My parents were back in town, calling to announce they were coming over in less than fifteen minutes. It sounded urgent. Faster than the energizer bunny, I tidied up the house. It was back to being 100% clean when they knocked on the front door. El wasn't around to greet his grandpa with enthusiasm, he was fast asleep in his bed. Today's field trip to a local farm tired him out. He was a farmer for a day. He returned home with a new profound respect for farmers and the hard work that they do. I opened the door and welcomed them both inside, apologizing for not having snacks as usual. We needed to do some grocery shopping later this week. Rowan emerged from the hallway, freshly showered and shaved. His beard was trimmed to perfection. He shook my father's hand again, grateful for the help he has given us this far then invited them into the living room. \"Can we use your dining room instead?\" My mother asked. \"There are some things I need to spread out.\" \"Sure,\" Rowan said, guiding them over. He tugged at the bottom of his shirt, wanting it to sit more comfortably. \"Your mom has just secured your freedom and victory.” My dad said, looking at her with love, admiration, and pride.

215 of 295 Her face remained impassive as she removed a large folder from her bag. She opened it up and started laying out papers and images all over the table. With his arm crossed, Rowan started walking around the table. He skimmed through the words and observed the photos intently. Her black heels clicked against the tiled floor as she moved around. Then the noise stopped as she stood still. \"Douglass high school,\" Rowan said. He looked between the photocopied pages of a yearbook. One page was the photo of the sophomore class pictures and another was of the senior class pictures. Rowan was on the sophomore class page. He grinned at the camera, displaying his dark blue braces. Jamal Balker was on the senior class page, dressed in a tan suit for his formal photo and then his football uniform for his casual one. \"We went to school together?\" Rowan asked, never making the connection before. He looked at my mom for confirmation. \"You did,\" she confirmed. \"and according to the articles way back when, there was an altercation between you and Mr. Balker,\" Her hand rested on her hips. \"Dissecting that altercation and bringing it out to the light is the secret to all this. It'll provide a motive for them, specifically him, framing you.\" She was all business always, dressed in black slacks and a lightweight burgundy blouse. It was plain, free from distractions like her.

216 of 295 \"But that was years ago,\" I said. \"You seriously think Jamal would harbor whatever it was for this long?\" I asked. The thought alone was crazy. \"Only one way to find out,\" said my dad, grabbing his pen and paper from his bag. \"Rowan, we need you to tell us what happened nearly 12 years ago between you and Mr. Balker.\" ___________________________ Did you know? During his sophomore year of high school, Rowan was struggling to find out what he wanted to do with his life for sure. Everyone was telling him different things and pushing him and different directions. Only one person, his principal, actually took the time to listen to what he wanted.

217 of 295 42. 12 Years Ago Rowan dropped down at the chair at the head of the table, \"I need a minute to process all this,\" he said, letting out a sigh of frustration. We were jumping over one hurdle after the next. When would it end? \"Understood,\" said my dad, taking a seat on the longer side of the table. My mom sat next to him. We followed their lead, taking seats as well at the table too. Rowan was at the head of the table, I sat beside him across from my parents. As we waited, my mom admired her manicured nails. My dad admired the complex engravings on the table, running his fingers over the grooves. I leaned back against the cushioned chair, watching my husband. I was wondering why I've never heard about this altercation before. He was leaning forward, both arms up forming a triangle on which he rested his chin. \"I wouldn't have recognized him,\" he said. \"I didn't recognize him,\" he clarified. \"He looks so different.\" Jamal did not age well, that was my first thought as I looked at the photo and compared it to what I remembered of his appearance. His Afro was long gone, replaced with baldness. His skin was dull, lacking a youthful vibrancy and his face has slowly morphed over the years. It's like someone took a chisel to reshape his face. 

218 of 295 \"Jamal Balker and I—our paths never really crossed until the spring of my sophomore year,\" he said. \"That's when he started noticing Valencia.\" The name was hard for him to say, but not because it was hard to pronounce. The name was beautiful and flowed easily. It was the emotional connection that must've made it hard to say. That's how I felt about saying the name Michael. Valencia? I searched through my memory, trying to recall past conversations between us. I've never heard that name before. He has never talked about her. Yet, it didn't feel safe to think she wasn't important. \"And Valencia is?\" my dad asked, writing quickly. His glasses were on the bridge of his nose, eyes on Rowan. He mastered the art of writing without looking. \"She was a friend.\" Short and sweet. That's wasn't always a good thing. Short, curt answers were the ones El gave me when he wanted to avoid a certain topic or trouble, sometimes both. \"Just a friend?\" asked my dad. A similar question I had. I kept my mouth shut became this wasn't the time to launch my own investigation. I would leave that for later. \"Just a friend,\" he repeated. \"How good of a friend?\" asked my dad.

219 of 295 \"One of my best friends.\" Really. His best friend and she never came up? Not even once. \"Were there ever any romantic interests?\" asked my dad, flipping to the next page of his notebook. You wouldn't be able to understand his writing if you tried, it was a mixture of hieroglyphics and cursive. Over the years, my mom learned to decipher his notes written in his special code. \"There were,\" he said softly, revealing a secret unknown to me. \"But we never acted on them,\" he added quickly, realizing how guilty that made him look. It made him look even more guilty than if he would've stuck to the first answer. Just because you didn't doesn't mean you didn't want to. “We were strictly friends… two young kids with their whole future ahead of them.” He continued, trying to find a way to get himself off the hook. It wasn’t working. \"Okay,\" he said writing down some notes. \"I have to ask because—\" My mom jumped into the conversation, \"because the prosecutors may dismiss her testimony or yours because it's clouded with emotions.\" No questions asked, my mom wanted her to take the stand. Did I want her back in Rowan's life? He nodded his head. \"As I said, we were best friends. It was a group of friends consisting of boys and girls. Me and Valencia were part of it,\" he said.

220 of 295 I've heard about all the guys and girls in this group. I knew then each name, that's how much he's told me. I’ve e sat on road trips and plane rides, listening to Rowan's stories and memories of their good times. What I didn't know is he had cut someone out of the picture. \"Jamal was an average football player, he wasn't great, but he didn't suck,\" Rowan said, leaning back into his chair. \"But he was insecure, always wanting to prove that he was just as good as all the other guys. He did stupid things to prove it.\" He crossed his arms across his chests. His biceps bulged with his new position. He didn't go to the gym, but he made him own gym out in the yard. \"Like?\" asked my dad, looking up from the notebook. \"Like pulling pranks—even a senior prank, acting like a class clown and stuff like that,\" he said. \"I didn't care what he did or didn't do until he started interacting with Valencia.\"  \"Interacting how?” \"He showed interest in her and when Valencia didn't reciprocate—\" \"Why didn't she reciprocate?” \"Only she can tell you.” Short and sweet again.

221 of 295 My father dropped his pen on the ranks. \"Remember what I said weeks ago Rowan. I can't help you if you aren't completely honest with me.\" Sighing, he leaned forward again and said, \"I honestly don't know, she didn't tell me and I didn't ask,\" he raised his shoulders and paused. \"However, it might have had something to with me. It was obvious that she was hoping that we would be together someday... when were older and mature.\" Clearly that didn't happen. \"Okay,\" he said, pleased that he didn't have to beat the entire truth out of him. \"Now, as you were saying before,\" he said, motioning his hand in circular motions for him to continue. \"Jamal didn't like that she wasn't reciprocating his interest. Who was she?\" he asked, sarcastically. The resentment was there. The disgust at that idea was there. The care was there too. \"He felt like she was beneath him and should be happy that someone like him was noticing someone like her.” \"What do you mean someone like her?” Rowan wasn't enjoying divulging information about her. It was private info that was suddenly being made public. When was the last time he talked about this with anyone? Did ever plan on telling me? \"Valencia is the daughter of two immigrants, her mom is from Cuba and her dad is from the

222 of 295 Solomon Islands... somewhere called Malaita, the largest island there,\" he explained. \"Mhm,\" my dad said, encouraging him to keep going. \"When she was eleven her mom died, leaving it up to him to raise his three daughters. He couldn't do it alone, he thought they needed a mother figure, so he married a woman to be that mother figure,\" he was lost to his inner thoughts, remembering the past like it was yesterday. Valencia must've trusted him to share such emotional parts of her past. \"Feeding two mouths is hard, feeding five is challenging. Things were hard for them financially,\" he said, returning to the present to fully be with us again. \"She wasn't the best dressed, the wealthiest, and she didn't come from a prominent family, but she was one of the smartest students in the school.\" His recounting was specific, anything that was left out or that remained vague was probably by choice. He remembered such minor details very well. We remember things, especially those the most important to us, the best. He licked his lips. \"Essentially, he thought he was better than her. He expected her to easily be wooed with attention from someone like him. When that didn't happen, he primarily and then his friends started harassing her,\" he said, furrowing his eyebrows. \"They were harassing her and that escalated to spreading rumors and it only worsened when they started attacking her online.\" His voice was raising slightly, barely noticeable to outsiders but we would. The Carter's are notorious observers.

223 of 295 Be quiet Saige. Be quiet Saige. I was muttering a mantra to myself, trying to stay calm. It bothered me to see him act so defensive for a woman I've never heard about.   My dad nodded his head. \"And what did you do about it?\" \"I couldn't stand to see her like that, I cared about her as my friend,\" he was grimacing. \"They were spreading lies about her and her family, resulting in all kinds of unwanted attention,\" he said looking away. \"I confronted him about it, threatened to involve the higher authorities if he didn't stop,\" he explained. \"And when he didn't stop, I did exactly that.\" \"Who did you go to?\" \"First, the principal. Mr. Harder and I were close, he was a nice guy and someone I liked talking to. With his help, we brought it to even higher authorities.\" \"And what happened to him?” Rowan couldn't care less; he showed no pity. If he had to do it again, he would. \"He was kicked off his beloved football team and lost scholarships. He lost the trial and was convicted of a second-degree misdemeanor for cyberbullying,\" he explained, using the correct terms. \"The judge didn't imprison him, but he did do a year's worth of community service.\" \"I can't believe he has never forgotten that.\" Rowan scoffed.

224 of 295 \"Apparently, neither have you.\" said my mom. \"True,\" he said wearily. Where was she going with that? \"but it's not like I spend every waking hour plotting how to get back at him,\" said Rowan defensively. He didn't like that she was trying to compare the two of them. He cares for Valencia. Jamal didn’t. That's the comparison that mattered to me. She chuckled dryly, \"Oh to be young and naive again.\" She sat up even straighter in the chair. \"What happened to you and Valencia?\" asked my dad. His head was finally up again, making eye contact with Rowan. \"We graduated and went our separate ways.\" \"Nothing is ever that easy.\" \"We went our own ways,\" he repeated again. \"She reached out a couple of times, but I never answered.\" he admitted. \"Why?\" asked my dad. \"I didn't know what to say,\" he said softly. And if you did, what would you have said? \"What's her full name?\" asked my mom.

225 of 295 \"Valencia Toure,\" he said, drumming his fingers against the table.\" \"You need her to testify,\" she said. \"I haven't talked to her in years!\" he exclaimed, shocked that she would make that request and slightly fearful of connecting with an old flame. \"Now is good of a time as any.” \"I-I can't just contact her out of the blue,\" \"You can and you will,\" she said seriously. \"Unless a prison cell is looking more inviting than your own home.” ___________________________ Did you know? Once upon a time, Rowan used to think Valencia would be the woman the married. She was a breath of fresh air; beautiful dark brown skin, an infectious laugh, and an appreciation for the smallest things in life.

226 of 295 43. Another Woman My mom insisted on having Valencia testify. At first, they had a hunch that they were framing Rowan to gain publicity and money for their other failing ventures. Although this may still hold true, having her testify would draw question to their reputation and Jamal's personal image. It was a contrast from the image he had as one of the owners of Fitness First. Fitness First, at their command, regularly gave back to the community financially. Their trainers visited schools to teach kids how to play and eat healthy. Also, they offered special discounts for students. With her testimony, the jury would see that appearances can be deceiving. My mother was also trying to get in contact with Rowan's old principal. If either of them did agree to testify, another pretrial conference was going to need to be scheduled and the additional testimony presented for approval. Those types of surprises weren't allowed in court. ~.~.~.~.~ Valencia. \"Why didn't you tell me about her?\" I asked, hugging a pillow tightly against my body. I needed what little support and security it had to offer. Something was better than nothing. \"I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other,

227 of 295 that's just not what we do.\" I said, pointing back and forth between us. Remember?\" I asked, throwing his words in his face.\" Huh? Remember that?\" It wasn't long ago he was saying those words. He couldn't possibly have forgotten that fast. My parents were gone, they left minutes ago with a long list of things they had to do. Rowan was seated on the couch, an arm’s length away from me on the other side. \"It was never a secret Saige—\" \"Don't even Rowan,\" I said holding my palm up. I didn't want to hear it. \"it's clearly something you didn't want me to know. You've never told me any of that stuff—was it my turn to look stupid tonight or something?\" I asked, feeling how he must've felt months ago. The feeling was like adding vinegar to a wound. It burned badly.  He didn't answer. \"Huh?\" I asked. Earlier, Rowan brought out his old yearbook at my mother's request. Its home was the bookshelf in the living room. He has pulled it out several times when he was in the mood to walk down memory lane. Some days, I accompanied him on his walk. When he showed us a picture of Valencia in his yearbook, my mom took a photo to print out later. Valencia and I looked alike.

228 of 295 I had to ask, I just had to. \"Do I remind you of her?\" I asked. \"Is that why you-—why you dated me?\" I asked. \"Married me?” I asked, feeling my chest rise up and down a little faster. “Do I give you the illusion that you're with her?\" I asked, presenting him with my insecure thoughts. I needed answers. I wanted them right now. Was I fulfilling a messed fantasy? Rowan didn't answer but I could see the guilt in his eyes, I knew my husband. \"Oh my God Rowan!\" I exclaimed, standing up. \"What's wrong with you?\" I asked, the pillow in my left hand was being flung around as I moved. I threw it where I was previously sitting. \"Have these past five years been one big lie?\" I asked, feeling my heart start to crumble into pieces. \"I can't believe you would do that to me—“ \"Do what?\" he asked. \"I haven't even said anything Saige-“ he began to say, opening his arms. \"You don't have to, I can see it your eyes.\" I said, pointing at them. \"Why don't you wait to see what I have to say out of my mouth instead?\" he asked. He opened his palms towards the empty spot at the other end of the couch. Begrudgingly, I took a seat to get the answers I deserved. \"Yes Saige, you remind me of her,\" he said. \"You look like her, sometimes act like her too.“ \"Why wou—\"

229 of 295 He interrupted me, \"But,\" he said, raising his voice over mine, \"I dated you and married you because you are the one, I want to be with. You are my wife, not her or any other woman.” I was the second choice. If he had to choose between the two of us, would I have a chance? Would I be in the running? I was chosen because the first choice was out. The tears started falling. I shook my head, unable to fully believe him. It was what I wanted to hear somewhat but it felt wrong. It sounded rehearsed. I wasn't his true love or his first love. That position was already taken, I just never knew. \"I-I don't believe you.\" I said, letting the tears fall. I didn't bother to wipe them up. There would be more, many more. \"I just don't, I saw the way you talked about her. You loved—love her Rowan.\" \"I-\" he was ready to start pleading his case. He could save that for his upcoming trial, he was going to need it. \"Don't even,\" I said raising my hands again. It wasn't a question and no comment was necessary. \"You do, I know what love looks like and sounds like and that's it.\" He moved closer, closing the gap between us. \"Saige,\" he said gently. I didn't have the strength to push him away. Physically and emotionally and mentally I was exhausted. \"Would I lie to you?\" he asked softly. I didn't answer.

230 of 295 My knees were up, tucked against my chest. \"Huh?\" he asked, grabbing a tissue on the table in the living room. He used it to wipe the tears. \"Would I?\" \"I don't know Rowan,\" I said, shaking my head. \"Sometimes we do the wrong things for what we think are the right reasons—the right reason almost always so happens to be to help and protect the ones we love.\" I sniffled, leaning over to grab another tissue to blow my nose. \"You would lie to me to protect me. If it means preventing me from getting hurt, you would do it. It's exactly what I did when I kept the miscarriage from you,\" He couldn't deny it. He didn't need to because I knew it was the truth. It was wrong. We both knew it was wrong, but our instinct was to protect each other the best way we knew how. Lying was the best we knew how but it was the least effective— if anything it was wrong! Lying was like putting a bandage on a serious wound, how long would it last? Not long. How much damage could it cause? Possibly a lot. ___________________________ Did you know? Over the years, Rowan has thought about Valencia. He wonders how she’s doing. He hopes she’s alight. Most importantly, he hopes she’s happy. He won’t admit it, but Saige reminds him of her. It was that similarity that first caught his attention when he first met Saige. But he quickly came to see and appreciate Saige for who she is.

231 of 295 44. By Myself Rowan wanted to contact Valencia by himself. My mother agreed that if he reached out to her, his chances of receiving a positive response were higher than if she or my dad did it. Both of my parents left it up to Rowan to decide if he should contact her with me through a Skype session or by putting her on speaker or something similar. He didn't ask for opinions or my thoughts. \"I need to do this by myself Saige,\" he said two days ago. My feet were propped up as I sat on the couch grading papers. With everything that was going on in my life, I was a bit behind. Final parent conferences were coming up and I needed to show the parents their children's hard work this year. Their creativity and constantly amazed, I was giggling and chuckling as I read their worksheets or viewed their drawings. Their assignments were their chance to let their light shine brightly. When I heard my phone ring twice loudly from inside the bedroom and not in my pocket, I groaned in utter annoyance. I was so comfortable, leaning against a fluffy pillow and shoulder wrapped with a soft blanket. Lazily, I got up and walked to the room. By the time I reach my phone, the second rang had already ended. I rolled my eyes when I saw the words “Scam Likely” pop up on the caller ID. I got up for this?

232 of 295 I slipped my phone in my pocket then headed back my spot. There was an estimated two hours left of grading the large stack on the coffee table. Rowan and I bumped into each other in the hallway. \"She'll do it,\" he said. Both of his hands were shoved in the pockets of his shorts. I didn't know if he called her or Skyped her and he didn't give me the opportunity to ask. Valencia was like a large Manila folder marked confidential in red, large, and bolded print.  \"Well, that's good for you then, isn't it?\" I asked, brushing past him. \"Baby,\" he said holding on to my arm. I let him maneuver me around until I was in his arms. My arms remained limply at my side. \"I love you Saige,\" he said, emphasizing the you. \"I do.\" he added. \"And you've never given me a reason to doubt the sincerity of that love,\" I said lowly, inhaling the sweet scent of vanilla. \"Until now.\" I added softly. I unwrapped both of his arms around my waist and disappeared down the hallway. ___________________________ Did you know? It was awkward at first. Valencia knew who it was right away. She was in disbelief. She found it funny that he was calling her after the many calls she made to him after they graduated. She's not bitter. She's happy. Love isn't exclusive, she didn't mean you should date or be with

233 of 295 multiple people at the same time. Instead, she meant it wasn't a one and done deal. She found Marcelo Knox; she loves him just as much as she still loves Rowan deep in her heart. Valencia is happy to have the opportunity to help him and stand by his side as he did for him. \"It's what friend,\" she said after he thanked her profusely for agreeing.

234 of 295 45. Fear The Unknown • ~Late March~ Rowan never told me about her, and I highly doubt he would if I asked. If he did tell me something, it would probably be filled with gaps like all his other stories about the past. On my personal computer at lunch, I was stalking her social media page to learn more about her. The old saying was true, we do fear what we don't know. I was trying to learn who Valencia was so I could stop fearing her and viewing her as a threat. From my research so far, I learned that Valencia Knox, previously Valencia Toure, got married four years ago to Marcelo Knox. Her husband was from Winnipeg, a city in Manitoba Canada. She was a realtor, a very successful one since she co- owned a real estate agency. Marcelo was a firefighter. The two of them met through his brother. Marcelo's younger brother, Dante, who is one of Valencia's best friends. Although she met him a couple of times, they didn't hit it off officially until Dante was getting married. Valencia was in the wedding as the maid of honor since she was a close friend of the bride and groom and he was the best man. Fours ago, they got married on a cruise ship surrounded by family and friends then enjoyed their honeymoon on the

235 of 295 same cruise. The idea didn't appeal to me, I didn't want Naomi near me on my honeymoon or my wedding. However, her wedding pictures were gorgeous, I envied the elegance of her dress and the perfection of the wedding. The newlyweds danced on the top floor of the cruise to the song. There was a video of him mouthing the lyrics to a song as they danced. Her wedding was like a dream come true; my wedding was a catastrophe. Every summer, they flew to Canada for at least a week to spend time with his family. In the smiling photos, I could tell his family adored her. There were photos of her and Marcelo's two sisters and mother getting a manicure, of her and his grandma baking cookies, of her fishing with his dad, and of her making smores at a bonfire. They didn't have any kids; I was curious to know why. She did call their dog Bingo her baby and often shared photos of her goldfish Rex. With her free time, she liked to run marathons to raise money for charities and binge watch old classical films. I scrolled through the photos. My lunch remained untouched in front of me. What really caught my eye was her gushing over their upcoming vow renewal next year. Clearly, she has moved on. Has Rowan? Or was I just her substitute that kept the fire he had in his heart for her burning? My mom was right, most of our lives is public information. I've learned so much scrolling through 200 of her photos, I had over 74 left to examine. I was going to be very busy. Netflix was going to have to wait.

236 of 295 I closed my computer once the kids loudly walked into the room, eager to share their details from their lunch conversations. ~.~.~.~.~ \"What's wrong?\" Rowan and I both asked, running to his rescue upon hearing him yell for us from the yard. The worst possible scenarios came to mind. I dropped down to my knees, patting him down and looking for scratches or wounds. \"I'm fine mom!\" he groaned. \"Geez, I'm not a baby.” \"Then why did you yell like that?\" I asked, getting back up. \"You could've given me a heart attack.\" I genuinely thought he was injured. \"Because I have an idea,\" he said. He was wearing a white cap on top of his head and a whistle around his neck. Oh okay, that definitely explains it now! \"What's your idea?\" asked Rowan. \"We haven't had official family time in a long time, right?\" he asked, sounding like the start of a sales pitch. Rowan and I looked at each other guiltily. \"Right.\" he said. \"Yea,\" I said.

237 of 295 \"I get it,\" he said. \"I'm not blaming you. You're busy,\" he said pointing me. \"You're busy,\" he said pointing at Rowan. \"And I'm busy, it's life. What can you do?\" he asked, shrugging his shoulders. \"But we can change that with my idea!” \"How?\" Rowan asked. He smiled deviously, grinning ear to ear as he begin to explain his brilliant idea. \"You want us to do what?\" I asked, after he finished explaining. With the help of his grandpa, El had planned a homemade obstacle course. The plans were detailed, writing using his best handwriting. His grandpa did the graphics, exact replicas of reality. \"It's all in the wrist Saige,\" he used to say, impressing me with every piece he drew. Together they created three versions of the obstacle course, each increasing with difficulty. \"A little competition is healthy for any relationship!\" he said excitedly. I chuckled, \"Says the guy who isn't in a relationship.\" \"One day,\" he said, wagging his fingers. \"And what about you?\" asked Rowan, smiling. \"What will you do?\" He knew El was going to place himself in a supervisory role like always.

238 of 295 \"I'll be the judge; I'll be watching you to make sure no one cheats, and everyone plays fairly and nicely. There are no losers, only winners,\" he said. He clapped his heads, \"We're losing daylight people. Are you in?\" he asked, putting his hands in the middle. Rowan placed his hand on top of El's hand and I did the same. Before we started, he made us change into appropriate clothing. Jeans or joggers didn't make the cut for his standards. ~.~.~.~.~ I dropped down to the ground, sweat pouring out of every pore I had. My heart was pounding, unaccustomed to all this exercise. \"I haven't put so much effort into something since I had you.\" I told El. \"Ew,\" he said, dropping down beside me. \"Too much information.” Rowan went inside to get us some water. We ran out after the second round. The first round was easy, I had to crawl on the ground under four consecutive pool noodles, toss four rings onto a pole, and jump over four pool noodles raised up high with boxes. I won the first one obstacle course, Rowan and I tied for the second; which I think he let happen, and he won the last one because I couldn't keep up. I didn't have the endurance and the strength that he had.

239 of 295 \"Those obstacles were very well thought out,\" I said. \"You did good El.\" My favorite part having to jump off the trampoline perfectly, needing to stick the landing. Only then could I continue to the next section: hula hooping while making my way to the finish line. \"Thanks,\" he said grinning. Rowan returned with a bottle of water for each of us and a Popsicle. His forehead was glistening with sweat. \"That was a workout,\" he said giving El a high. \"Next time, it's me and you though,\" he told him. \"It's a date.\" El said, nodding his head. \"Now for the fun part,\" El said rubbing his hands together. \"There's more?\" I asked, eyes wide open. \"We have a lot of missed days to make up for,\" he said, biting a chunk of his Popsicle. He wasn't one to sit and savor it. \"You're going to kill me El,\" I groaned, my legs felt like jelly. ~.~.~.~.~ As Rowan claimed, some of our best conversions happened in bed. He was in the mood to talk tonight. I just wanted to sleep. Although I enjoyed our family time, El had tired me out. My body wasn't as young as it used to be. \"Saige,\" he said softly, shaking my shoulder.

240 of 295 \"Hmm,\" I was turned to the other side of the room, one hand under my pillow. \"Are you already falling asleep?\" he asked. \"Mhm.\" The sheets on the bed were freshly changed. Something about new sheets smelling like fabric softener made soothed me. \"Wow,\" he said, surprised. He usually fell asleep before me. \"Well, just hear me out real quick. “Mhm.\" “Saige-\" \"I'm listening,\" I mumbled, wanting him to hurry up so I could fall asleep. \"I'm sorry for not telling you about Valencia... I wasn't purposely trying to hide it from you, it just happened so long ago... I didn't think it important or worth bringing it up,\" he said, slightly leaning over me. But it was. I didn't want to say the wrong thing and risk making matters worse. So, I asked a question he asked me not too long ago. \"If you could go back, would you do it again?\" I asked softly. There was a hesitation. \"I—\" He didn't want to say the truth, which was yes, because it would undermine his

241 of 295 apology. You apologized when you regretted what you did and wish you could go back and do something different. If not, what was the point in saying sorry? \"There's no use in apologizing Rowan.\" I said, closing my eyes again. \"You're not sorry, you wish you were but you're not. If anything, you're sorry that the truth hurts.\" \"Good night.\" I said sighing, ending the conversation once and for all.  ___________________________ Did you know? Saige has spent a total of 10 hours cumulatively researching Valencia. She has stalked her Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat account. She has done a background check, read old articles, and examined her business website. She is undergoing an extensive examination of Valencia's life. At the heart of the investigation is a nagging fear and insecurity that she isn't good enough for Rowan as his mother often argued. But maybe Valencia was. She knows this obsession isn't healthy, it's crazy, but she can't stop. She needs to find the answers, make connections, and understand or she may lose everything.

242 of 295 46. Meeting Michael Again Rowan was unable to make it again. His second pre-trial conference was scheduled for today. Now that we had another testimony, it had to be presented to the judge and the prosecutors. We sat in the same format as last time.  \"It's your turn,\" said El. \"I talked last time.\" Taking included giving a brief overview of the mundane aspects of his life. \"That's fair,\" Michael said. \"What do you want to know?\" he asked, scooting his chair forward again. \"Anything you want.\" El said, repeating the same words Michael had said to him last month. His memory was impressive and yet selective. When I asked why he didn't always put the seat up, he sometimes said he forgot. I think he was just being lazy. \"Okay,\" he said. \"Um,\" he began thinking, rubbing his fingers along his chin in the process. There was cut near his chin from where he shaved earlier. \"I want you to know how happy I am that I get the opportunity to see you even if it's just once a month.\" His hair wasn't as bad as before, there were tiny hairs on his head. El nodded but said nothing. He was needing a hair cut himself.

243 of 295 \"And I want you to know that I love you,\" Michael said, staring at El intently. His hands were back on the table, casually resting on its surface. I started coughing, El looked over at me and patted my back. I smiled at him appreciatively. El looked back at Michael. \"But you don't know me?\" he said awkwardly. \"How can you love someone you don't know?\" he asked. \"It doesn't make sense.” \"I-,\" he opened his mouth then closed it. \"Some things can't be explained—it's hard to. I love you Elliot regardless of the fact that I don't know everything about you,\" he said. \"When I look at you, I see a miniature version of myself—I see my son. My own flesh and blood and I love you.\" There was a resemblance, even I couldn't deny that. \"Ooookaay,\" he said. The concept was still foreign to him. Michael moved on, finding something else to share. \"When I was a kid, I used to hate going to the beach. I was skinny and scrawny, and a lot of the other kids made fun of me,\" he explained. \"To this day, I still don't like the beach. Do you like the beach?\" El nodded, \"Sometimes. I don't like it when it's crowded. Too much noise.\" \"Yeah, I never liked the crowds there either... But I've always liked amusements parks. I love them all,\" he said. \"Disney, Busch Gardens, Six Flags, and Universal. You can't

244 of 295 go wrong going there,” he said smiling softly. \"Have you been to one?” \"Yes, I've been to Disney and Sea World and Adventure Island.\" A trip to Busch Gardens was in the works. I just wanted him to be tall enough to ride most of the rides. The conversation took a solemn approach when he started talking about his family. \"I miss my grandma a lot,\" he said. \"I didn't get to see her for years.\" \"Where is she?\" El asked, scratching his nose. He cleared his throat. \"She died four years ago while I was in jail. I just wish I could have seen her one last time. She was my favorite person in the world.\" he said. \"Who's yours?” \"My mom, Rowan is my second favorite.\" El said quickly, wanting to keep his private life private. \"How did she die?\" \"Old age.\" Michael said. \"I'm sorry for your loss.” \"Thank you,\" he said. \"But you know, she was your family too.” El was surprised, he didn't think about it like that. \"Oh,\" he said. \"Do I have more grandparents too?” \"Yeah, you do,\" he said tensely. \"But they aren't good people, I don't think you'll be meeting them any time soon.\" he said, leaning on the table.

245 of 295 \"But I'm meeting you.\" El said. \"Are you good people?\" he asked. \"What do you think?” \"I don't know,\" he said shrugging his shoulders. \"that's why I'm asking.” \"I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be Elliot, that's the truth,\" he said. \"That's what know. But I have done bad things in the past, things I'm not proud of.” \"Like what?\" El was really interested now. \"I did something stupid when I was younger,\" he said hesitantly. \"I hurt someone.” \"Did you kill them?\" asked El fearfully, scooting back into his chair. He grabbed my hand again. It's been in my lap waiting for his hand. \"No,\" he said. \"I didn't but that's a story for another day,\" he said dismissively. But he did kill my innocence. \"Our time is almost up,\" he said, looking at the clock above. \"I want to tell you a story.\" \"About what?\" \"About when I was young just like you, okay?\"

246 of 295 \"Okay.\" Michael's story was animated, his gestures and facial feature engaged El and even made him chuckle. He didn't even smile the last time we were here. Michael narrated his first day of kindergarten up to his last day of third grade, sharing his highlights, and his misfortunes. El related to many of the things he said, finding connections between himself and Michael. I think it was becoming real to him that Michael was indeed his biological father. El was shocked when Michael showed him a tiny birthmark he had on his left shoulder. It was a dark blob with no defined shape. El had a similar one on his left shoulder too. El walked away from this session knowing more about Michael than I probably ever did. ___________________________ Did you know? Michael's grandma, his mother's mom, was very upset at the whole ordeal that happened when he was 18. She blamed Michael's parents. Although she loved him dearly, she wanted nothing to do with him. \"You let me down.\" Those were the final words she uttered to him before she cut ties with him and his parents until she died. His grandma was the only one who saw the capabilities he had to be an amazing man. She was also the only one to see that his parent would eventually bring him to his ruin. He was a people pleaser, just like them.

247 of 295 47. Here Comes Valencia • ~Early May~ Valencia's beauty was effortless. She arrived four days ago off her flight in a white tee tucked into her blue jeans, a fashion scarf around her neck, and a large black tote bag. Marcelo, her husband, was dressed as simple as his wife. Dark blue jeans and a red long-sleeved shirt. It complemented his dark brown hair and tanned white skin. She covered her mouth and hugged Rowan instantly. \"I am so sorry,\" she said, hugging him tightly. \"I blame myself for this.\" Rowan wrapped his arms around her. Ideally, I would feel a tinge of jealousy. Right now, I felt more than just that towards their embrace. Upon seeing me, she hugged me too. \"I am so sorry Saige.\" She knew my name? I don't know what Rowan did or didn't tell her. I didn't like not knowing. \"I'm sorry that you have to go through this mess. If it's anything like my trial was, I know how you feel,\" she said comfortingly. Did she though? Marcelo and Rowan shook hands, he too shared his apology for this mess we found ourselves in. In addition to picking them up from the airport, we were inviting them to our house for dinner. Valencia talked all the way there,

248 of 295 bouncing back and forth between topics and pointing at one exciting thing she saw after another. Rowan chimed in occasionally but she and El did most of the talking. She was as she said, \"in love with him\". He was adorable and funny and so mature for his age. El relished in her compliments, showing off even more to impress her. Marcelo was more of the quiet type, wrapping an arm around his wife as he watched the scenery out the window. Later, Rowan did most of the cooking having me help to avoid feeling making me feel left out. He made flank steak with grilled corn salsa. On the side was a bowl of yellow rice and dessert was in the freezer. Dinner was awkward. I blamed the two old flames for that. They were trying too hard to be cordial. It wasn't natural. You could tell they were overcompensating for something.  It's like when two people liked each other but wanted to play it off like they didn't. They both ended up looking like a fool. \"I can't thank you enough for coming here Valencia and thanks for coming with her Marcelo,\" Rowan said. \"This helps a lot. It means so much to me,\" he said. \"And Saige and El,\" he added. \"We're glad to help any way we can,\" Valencia said, briefly looking over at her husband. \"Val and I agreed that this was something she had to do. Without you years ago, things could've ended differently.\"

249 of 295 Marcelo said. \"People like him deserved to be locked away for good,\" he said, shaking his head. \"Obviously he didn't learn his lesson,\" Valencia said, taking a gulp of water. \"Who holds a grudge for that long?\" she asked. \"Get over yourself,\" she said rolling her eyes. \"You won't even recognize him,\" said Rowan. \"Physically, he is not the same Jamal.\" \"On the inside, he's still nasty,\" she said scrubbing up her nose. \"You should've seen back in high school babe,\" she said to Marcelo. \"He thought he was hot stuff.\" Marcelo chuckled at his wife's choice of words. \"I can't help but wonder if you say that behind me back too,\" \"I do because you are,\" she said grinning. \"Literally, you run into burning buildings. If that's not hot, then I don't what is.” All of us were almost done with our meals, but she was far from being done. She talked and drank more than she ate. She was curious to know more about me, genuinely interested in knowing who Saige Harley was. What has or hasn't Rowan told her? Knowing all eyes were on me was uncomfortable. Like El, I stuck to the basic and mundane things. Answering her precise questions with general answers. I was relieved when Rowan left to drop them off at their hotel nearby. It was the least he could do for all that they

250 of 295 were willing to do for him. El and I stayed back, cleaning up the dishes and getting ready before bed. ~.~.~.~.~ My parents had much to discuss with Valencia before the trial to get her ready and caught up to speed. El and I were left to entertain Marcelo. El enjoyed his presence as much as he enjoyed his. \"I can't wait to have a son,\" he said, catching the football and throwing it back to El. \"You'll be a good dad,\" I said, encouragingly. It was something I could spot a mile away. \"When the time comes.\" My sunglasses blocked the sun's bright rays from blinding me. \"I hope it's soon; I'm not going to be young and good looking forever,\" he joked. Before coming out, he applied sunscreen over his arms legs. He burned easily and healed slowly. Putting on a firefighter's suit with sunburn was not pleasant, a lesson he learned the hard way after his honeymoon. \"Marcelo, go along!\" yelled El, throwing the football. Marcelo caught the football effortlessly. They went back and forth until he said, \"Okay Elliot, I need a breather.\" He wiped the sweat off his face with the bottom of his shirt. He was probably accustomed to this kind of heat. \"I'm not as young as I used to be,\" he said taking a seat at the picnic table.