Morphed into Sonnet Form Preview

HALIL'S HANDSOME HEIR'S HUNDRED HOMEMADE HAIKUS’ HUMOROUSLY HECKLING HIS HANDICAPPED HABITS During the course of my WRITING, I’ve struggled to SUFFICIENTLY manage my time. Thus, I’ve added more WRITING as an additional section.



PREAMBLE Though I’m the son of A MATH WHIZ,3 I'll EVEN show Alliteration! (See the book title, Minus the third h-word ‘cuz You say, “heir” like “air.”) The syllables of FIVE plus SEVEN plus FIVE are Math mah-tih-klee sound. I’m that creative! Numerical-balance is What I really need! The term “handicapped” Is inaccurate … for me. It’d be “legicapped.” 3 “Halil Kaynatma” was my accomplished father AND a math JEENYUS. 1) My brain is damaged. But, I'm still QUITE creative. ANOMALY-esque! 143

1) My brain is damaged. But, I’m still quite creative. Anomaly-esque! 2) Most problems in me Are PHY-SI-CAL. ... (audible sigh) My psyche sucks too! 3) According to stats, There's no progress after three... Years. But, I push on. 4) With each passing day, I struggle to walk again. Nonetheless, I try. 5) I was athletic. Now, vicariously I Live through watching sports. 6) I was popular. Now, I struggle to speak clear. Seems anti-social. 7) Without sports & phone, I must entertain myself. Thanks to my laptop. 8) In sports, seasons change. Summer's great. Winter's better. 144

No wrestling in heat. 9) I think left-minded. So, I am mathematical. All is quantified. 10) Girls, come see my huuuge ... Isn't smart the new sexy?! Wait. Hold my glasses. 11) My judgment's piss poor. But, with numbers, just say, \"wow!\" I am rarely wrong. 12) Damn my accident! I can't talk. ... I listen more. I hear e'rything! 13) I have my vices. But, my virtues abound more So now than before. 14) My accident was Ill-timed. But, could a near-death Escape be welcome?! 15) Without walking legs, Views changed—LIH-ter-AH-lee AND Meh-Tah-FOR-ih-KLEE. 16) Regardless of pain, I remain optimistic. 145

I know I will walk. 17) My writing’s ALRIGHT. ‘Tis a stream of consciousness. I write how I FEEL. 18) I feel so lonely. Without speech, I’ve lost my friends. Aaah, Book of Faces! 19) I like company. ‘Tis not a pun on biz-ness. I am just social. 20) Contrary to name, My Traumatic BRAIN Injury Affects mostly legs. 21) Despite being done With school, I still hafta Learn. Doctors don’t like me! 22) Bioengineer Is what I was through college. Now, I’m a writer. 23) I should be quite dead. But, alas! I’m only hurt. Hey, y’all! Don’t be sad! 24) Don’t think I’m bragging. ‘Tis a scientific fact: 146

I’m phenomenal. 25) I am all that & a bag o’ potato chips. Research my hiss’tree. 26) ‘Tis especially Cruel, when peers further limit Communications. 27) I’m a one-man team. It seems like all’s against me. I shall win again. 28) I am easily Amused. I’m always thinkin’. I can’t turn this off! 29) I don’t! But, I must. I seek ever-awareness. Without walk, it’s tough. 30) I’ve tried to stay known, Without my Book of Faces. Sooo, I must go out! 31) I’ve looong been master Of quantitative figures. Ergo, now I write. 32) though I may write words, I’ll always prefer numbers. 147

That’s how I function. 33) Before injuries, I was far too athletic To spend time writing. 34) I have tons of time. But, I dare not say I’m bored. Instead, I think more! 35) I need more people! I long for chums to laugh with And a girl to kiss. 36) Like great Shane Falco, I have “miles and MILES of HEART”. I care VERY much. 37) ‘Twas ‘The Replacements’. I’ve gotta cite all my quotes. I’m uber-random. 38) Regarding Nature, My life has more PHYSICS than Evergreens in it. 39) Must I defend me?! I hafta always know why. I am scientific. 40) Sleep’s overrated. With only five hours of zs, 148

I still function well. 41) I miss my love! I dare not utter her name, ‘Cuz I’m not that cruel. 42) She has to deal with Her own errors & mistakes. It’s not I. It’s she. 43) I’m sure I too erred. Hindsight is 20-20. My mistakes were … small. 44) Looking back’s not fun. I’d much rather look ahead. I’ve screwed up a lot. 45) Better tomorrow? Hey, now! Where do I sign up?! I hafta build it. 46) If I must create, Then I need accomplices. I shan’t be alone! 47) It’s a damn good thing I am easily amused. I always find humor. 48) I don’t note nature In all my wordy verses. 149

Laughing is instinct. 49) Comedy films are My form of marijuana. They are addictive! 50) If so, then math is My frowned upon crack-cocaine. It is in my blood. 51) Speaking of my krew’s blood,4 As a Turk, I hafta love Eur-oh-PEEN futbol. 52) My body has changed. I just watch alotta soccer. I know my limits. 53) Just watching is tough On my ever-weak psyche. Aaahhh, muscle memree! 54) NOT the animal! Social BUTTERFLY I AM. NOT politics! 55) I relate well to Most but not all film classics. Hypotheticals. 4 MY family (Kaynatma) blood; passed-on trait 150

56) Confidence is key. Times change. But, no matter what, You’ve gotta strut! 57) It seems time stands still. I hafta think & move more. Creativity! 58) FIH-zih-kuh-LEE, I’m Weaker than I was. But, in My mind, … I’m stronger. 59) Concentration improved, Now, I am rather quiet. Warning, all! Watch me. 60) Somehow, brain trauma I have decreased nystagmus. I focus better. 61) I’m just plain weird. Actually, far from “plain,” I am quite unique. 62) The only true pain I ever feel is inside: It’s emotional. 63) Ya think Duh-LIH-briht?! If ya think I’m machismo, Then, you’re just stupid. 151

64) Got a new speech teacher. Very expensive she is. Is talking worth cost?! 65) Just one oddity About me: I speak foreign tongue Better than English. 66) What do I miss most? Walking, talking & eating. Most of all, m’ girl! 67) Too many events That I can no longer do! Thus, I think of new. 68) Hence, I write cleverly. Granted, there are no numbers. Oh, well. ‘’c’est la vie.’’ 69) Quantification Is my sixth … or maybe seventh Sense. That’s “religion.” 70) I just see numbers. Do I have ‘A BYOO-tih-FUL Mind’? The jury’s out. 71) Guys can’t doubt yourselves. Confidence equals success. Plus, chicks dig big ballz! 152

72) Some sayings are weird. If you are what you eat’s true, How does hardass taste?! 73) Subtle yet profound Describes my Turkish delight, … if you … devoured me. 74) I don’t yell or boast. I merely hint ‘con’ sly grin, ‘Cuz I know I’m right. 75) Why cannot I dance?! I’m chair-bound … or Caucasian?! Nooo, ‘cuz two left brains. 76) I shan’t get depressed! I can neither walk nor talk. ‘Tis temporary. 77) Numerical quess-shuhn: When’s three greater than 19? In Cribbage, of course! 78) Due to my current Mostly bed-ridden lifestyle, I’ve gotta have screens. 79) I ‘member swimming. But, that was distant past. Damn hole in stomach! 153

80) Trials are weighted: Effort-full but handicapped. Y’all: keep that in mind. 81) I feel broken— Psychologically but Not physically. 82) Physically hurt. I can & will recover, Strong mind. Mighty heart. 83) Just ’cuz I can’t talk Does not make me dumb … at all! My brain never stops! 84) I like to watch the Show, Iron Chef. It reminds me Of my chef-like style. 85) I’ve lost the concept Of long-time hip strength & Affection. … oh, well! 86) I’m optimistic & determined that I will Be victorious! 87) I miss m’ lady! Why’d she take so looong to leave?! (sigh) I’ll start anew. 154

88) I’ve still got good looks. I’ve still got my smarts & charm. But, no voice, no laughs. 89) the film Gross Pointe Blank Made me trust in moral growth! Granted, I don’t kill. 90) Instead, other faults Exist. I try to shade ‘em To let my skillz shine. 91) Too much actual sun Hurts my sensitive eyesight, Through tinted lenses. 92) Through all, I push through! Why against humongous odds?! ‘Tis just who I am. 93) Doubt me? I dare ya! Tell me! Don’t keep hate inside! That is what I do! 94) Metamorphosis Of arms is good! But, legs … bad. Gotta turn tables! 95) Thought I knew just math! But, writing is really fun. Just that frickin’ smart?! 155

96) Peter Pan said, “if [I] think of one happy thought, [I]’ll fly!” … I differ. 97) I like that bro’s here. He’s visiting from Turkey. He’s due for ass kick. 98) I like jokes with him. We do not get offended From constant teasing. 99) Humor’s coping tool. So, he’s a psychologist. Abstractly, of course. 100) ‘Tis last … but not least. Together my mind I’ve pieced. That deserves a feast! 101) One hundred … plus one. If it worked for dalmatians, Why not my haiku?! 156

AFTERTHOUGHTS Even preamble Follows syllable-structure. … Wow! Organized thoughts. ‘Tis my life story, … Tilted more to post-hurt scene. … I’m chatty cathy. A battle of will May ultimately decide Defender of good. Something’s missing here! Don’t like how wordy it is. … Numbers are lacking. ‘Tis not right at all. … I need to quantify much! Numbers over words. Writing’s great outlet … For my small non-math-ma-tics. … Enough is enough! 157



HIS HODGEPODGE OF HERCULEAN-HAIKU (Another section of poetry sprang forth from my Traumatically Injured Brain.)



Author’s Note At first, I was writing a book of [more] song parodies. But, as I’ve already written two different sets of those, I thought I’d change it up. As an informal mathemagician, I sought to act out my dramatic interpretation of differentiation. Yes, I do have the free time to make such a significant alteration after already starting … my third set of aria-alterations. Thus, I greatly like haiku, because it’s expressive. But, it also specifies the particular syllabic structure my left-brained thinking so needs. As there are multitudinous facets to my labyrinthine life, I’ve decided to breakdown my haiku into labeled chapters. ‘Tis just my order seeking, left hemisphere-dominated, logical thinking neural activity. In hindsight, designing haiku is far more creativity-stimulating & way less time consuming than parodying songs. Since I’ve already written two different books of “aria-alterations,” … I would know.



MISCOMMUNICATION 1) How does T.B.I. Feel? Sorrow & frustration. Must get in my head! 2) Can’t censor my speech, When I have no editor. I need to be watched. 3) Near impossible To get empathy when I’m An anomaly. 4) I have much regret. I can’t control all I say. That’s why I write more. 5) After injuries, Motivational speeches Aplenty … I write. 6) It hurts my great pride To be so wrong so often. Is excuse valid?! 7) There are too many Folks who don’t get my word board.

(audible sigh) dumb Americans. 8) Sign language? … no way! Lack finger dexterity. Mem’ree sucks, as is. 9) Neural synapses, Once dormant & inactive, Have new energy. 10) Not a complete mute. I use non-verbal gestures. I dream of speaking. 164

WALKING ATTEMPTS 11) Trustworthy trainers Tell me big steps when walking. I know much better. 12) From Biophysics, I know I must weight-shift to Optimize balance. 13) To keep left foot straight, I must trust my left leg’s strength. The muscle’s still strong. 14) Keep straight-forward gaze. A Normee does not stare at feet. So, why must I look?! 15) Feeling comfortable With slooooowww but steady walking, I’m starting to strut. 16) Get from here to there? Right now, ‘tis my biggest care! Except for belle-bare. 17) Cannot shut my eyes, While I’m up, ‘Cuz … I see too much. 165

I’ll get quite dizzy. 18) Since only most steps Are stable, steady & strong, Trial & Error. 19) I did fall one time. I overestimated Coordination. 20) Thankfully, as I Toppled, I remembered to Rotate & breakfall. 166

NON-VERBAL ACTIONS 21) Clearness limited. So, I tell my thoughts with board. Want telepathy. 22) Various gestures, Especially by my hands, Make words not needed. 23) No way, sign language! ‘Twould be too much work for me! Speaking’s tough enough. 24) Y’all have nooo idea How much it suuucks to not show Facial emotion. 25) What a fantastic Order of operations Is five-seven-five! 26) I never liked words Prior to my accident. I just see numbers. 27) Numbers relax me. Music, however, does not. 167

Maybe I’m just weird. 28) Many languages. One set of numbers for all. ‘Tis universal. 29) I could try to rhyme. By now, that seems a lost cause. Why trash a great thing?! 30) Is now a good time?! My thoughts are clear without rhyme. As if I’m a mime. 168

INJURED BUT NOT BROKEN 31) Not the man I was. I’ll try for my best. I’m real: Never be better. 32) My significant Obstacles make all I now Do more impressive. 33) I am just weaker. Pains are neurological And not physical. 34) Contrary to name, My T.B.I. affects legs Way, way more than mind. 35) Pre-2008, I was obsessed with all sports. Now, I just watch ‘em. 36) I will re-build ‘em. Nerves will be tolerable. But, they will be worse. 37) I am amazing. Try to imagine my feats 169

Before my wheelchair. 38) I can’t say I’m bent. I’ve lost flexibility. I try for more strength. 39) Since I do not talk, I tend to overthink things. I am just pensive. 40) I’m still very smart. Now don’t have the meh-moh-ree. Gimme math to do. 170

SOCIAL INTERACTION? 41) Sans phone & sans car, I’ve lost contact with my friends. Does no one email?! 42) I can only watch So much bad television, Before vegetate. 43) From time-to-time, I Will host par-tays for my friends. Who I thought were friends. 44) Other than email, I need to see peeps in-person. Misunderstandings. 45) I like to party. ‘Tis as if my name’s hardy. Loathe bein’ ‘tardy!’ 46) She can’t cramp my style. How ‘bout dinner & movie?! Who would refuse that?! 47) Others have own lives. Seems nobody checks email! 171

I communicate. 48) Try to call up friends. But, there’s no A for effort. The street is two ways. 49) Humor makes comfy. Like to joke I’m socialist. Ha-ha. I like peeps. 50) More than just friendship: Cash prize → ‘jujitsu’ winner. Still! Zero takers! 172

NEW REPLACEMENT 51) With leg nerves weakened, I compensate with strong arms. Combine two. Or four. 52) Without a clear voice, I try to express myself Through my hand gestures. 53) I’m very distraught! My ‘belle’ left me heartbroken. What am I to do?! 54) I was quite charming. Now, my timing is slower. Byoo-tee’s forever. 55) Looks, aesthetically, Fade o’er time … & much makeup. I want the inner. 56) Appearance is first! Thus, it sucks I’m in a chair. Is my hair messed up?! 57) I’m more than I look! Yes, I’m currently chair-bound. 173

But, you can’t seeee smarts. 58) Back to my biceps: I’m gainin’ tone & not bulk. But, I neeeed my hips! 59) Old skillz further built. Nothin’ new. Just more focused. How ‘bout mental math?! 60) I’m seeking new girls. need feminine company! social compliments. 174

(F)UN-EMPLOYED 61) Yes, I lost my job. Still committed to my work. My boss is a dick. 62) I am the ruler Of my house’s goings on. Make seer-ee-us fun! 63) I’m so, so, sooo weird That I make math-ma-tix fun! I need my outlets! 64) With this free time, I Like to mime “diarrhea.” ‘Tis quite physical. 65) It’s a test of my Flexibility. Plus, it’s Amusing to me! 66) Can’t complain of time. Gotta have efficiency. I set my own hours. 67) What to do between Speech sessions & leg gym trips? 175

Crunches & movies. 68) I like to work out, ‘Cuz it shows what’s still working. Am I super odd?! 69) I’m quite creative. I designed many haiku And all the what-not. 70) How do I lack a Quote-end-quote job, yet I still Run a business?! 176

I NEEEEED M’ HELP 71) I’d really struggle To accomplish … anything Without my great staff! 72) Not just employees. Friends help with moral support. Gotta spread the thanks. 73) Mundane tasks aside. I welcome assistance with The important ones. 74) I bathe in a chair. I eat via my gastric-tubing. I plan on whiteboard. 75) Some I do alone. I calculate payroll and Email on my own. 76) I watch ‘Scorpion’ To encourage myself for No socialism. 77) I’m a one-man team. Both my nurses are female. 177

But, that’s nutrition. 78) I need medical tips. Legally, I cannot drive. Funds-wise, thank you, court. 79) Now, I do all work! I have strong financial roots. Exercise? All me! 80) For entertainment, Technically, I did buy Laptop & TV. 178

“TALKING” 81) Letterboard I use To express my inner thoughts. Not verbal for me. 82) It’s tough to re-gain Intelligibility. I’m still very smart. 83) I may lack denseness. But, I overcompensate With using big words. 84) To back-and-forth with Me, you hafta be patient. I’m slow in spelling. 85) Just ’cuz I use a Board to speak, doesn’t mean I’m Deaf. I hear too much. 86) Oral muscles tire quick. ‘Tis fatigue not weakness. Don’t pretend you get. 87) I speak o’er your head, Just ’cuz I’m tryin’ to prove 179

I am not stupid. 88) I’ll use hand gestures Often to complement actual Words. Is that cheating?! 89) Since I do not speak Often, I hear everything. I may not listen. 90) Gigantic diff’rence Between listening to & Merely hearing one. 180

UPS & DOWNS 91) Great things will happen. However, bad stuff comes too. It is inevitable. 92) All good movies have Girl’s returning to guy. Thus, My love of film hurts! 93) I used to have tons Of athletic highs. But, that Was then. This is now. 94) Now, life is gloomy. I’ve looooong been extra social. But, “friends” shy away. 95) Literally, I’m Below nearly everyone. Mentally, above. 96) I’m still really smart Just to a lesser degree. Logic is greater. 97) Outside of touching, My ex-belle gave me quite the 181

Emotional high. 98) Never directly Smoked. Once ate a pot brownie. But, buddies tricked me! 99) I greatly prefer A natural high from life! That’s just how I roll. 100) My accomplishments Seem in a different life. I’m in my third round. 182

RECOVERY 101) Regarding ex-belle, Still defamation … if true?! She hurt me so bad! 102) a part of me died, I do not mean … just my legs! … talkin’ wise-psyche. 103) A.J. 3 point O … is the post-breakup me. I … feel that it’s clearest. 104) Can’t just count on time. Need formal workouts as well. … Maybe … three … per week. 105) Nowadays, work lots! Hafta keep my mind busy. … I write, ‘cuz can’t run. 106) Write … to work my mind. Gym … to work both o’ my legs. Parties … to make friends. 107) To balance my time, … I will hafta multitask. 183

… meandering mind. 108) As my mind wanders, … I’ve gotta think … happy thoughts! Social butterfly. 109) My arms are … quite strong. Didn’t notice how needed … My hips really are! 110) Just for y’all to know: … Without my own byoo-tee girl, … I have time … to write. 184

HE’S IN THERE 111) Despite my many Serious brain injuries, I know I’ll … prosper! 112) Ignore all the doubt. … ak-shuh-lee, use it as fuel For fiery strides. 113) Lookin’ for A.J.? Not the 2.0 … or 3! … We all miss … ol’ school! 114) I’m not religious. I’m a born-again … sssmart … ass! … don’t hate … the playuh. 115) I have fewer fears, … ‘Cuz logic & science tend To explain … all stuff. 116) Better with numbers … in my head … I am. … now, words … come easy … in books. 117) It’s very lonely To be … seven steps ahead 185

… Of EH-vih-REE-wuhn. 118) Smarts or BEE-yoo-TEE? In a girl, which is better? … Overflow with smarts. 119) No voice does not mean … no thoughts. Only dumb … in speech. … probably smarter. 120) Look at this number. Count the number of seconds. … Need two more minutes. 186

AFTERTHOUGHTS (HAIKU format) Per editor’s tips, I erased most ellipses. ‘Twas really a lot! My timing is off. Tough to not blame my hurt brain. Accept all my faults. It’s T.B.I.’s fault. I underestimated The timing of y’all. Writing’s not tiring. Conversely, energizing. Other half of brain. At 3:10 am, I am still writing ‘haiku.’ Cannot stop thinking! Read my other books. Must see appreciation From y’all of my work. 187

LATE REQUESTS5 Good friend's bro & sis Once got me Gatorade, just 'Cuz I was an ass. Their bro & I played B-ball. I’d work up a sweat. … drink perspiration. I received no drinks! I should’ve screamed, “What the hell?!” But, ‘twas just a joke. Now, they are older. Time made 'em less annoying. ... Still gotta tease 'em. It's just who I am & who they are. Can't fight it! Once bitches, ... Always! (... PLUS, he asked that I describe [MY] “beer pong” strategy. … JEALOUS!) 5 (A long-time buddy begged me to write a haiku about my treatment of his younger siblings during our childhood. … naturally, I obliged.) 188

Beirut not beer pong! Beer pong uses two paddles. I don't ... In my chair. I shan’t lie to peers: I’m nowhere near as good as … I was! … that was then. Now, hafta bounce balls, ‘Cuz my fingers don’t open … at the correct times. There is more math now! Must factor … force of impact … & trajectory. I hate that I have So many house rules. … so what?! My home! … deal with it! If I’m not happy, … you are all in big trouble! Can be … unpleasant. (I just cannot stop typing my thoughts!) 189