Out of The Mommy Box

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2 of 295 © 2019 Kiarra All rights reserved. All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, at “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below. [email protected] Cover by Kiarra

3 of 295 Description Saige Carter will always be grateful to Rowan Harley, the love of her life, for getting her Out of the Mommy Box. Being freed from captivity has allowed her to spread her wings like no other. Yet freedom always come with a price, in some cases, many. With her past resurfacing and the future looking less bright every day, she just might start wishing she had stayed in.  May you enjoy it as much or even more than the last.  -Kay

4 of 295 1. Introduction: The Mommy Box Seven years ago, I, Saige Carter, was raped by Michael Sykes, a name still giving me nightmares to this very day. Seven months later, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Elliot Carter, thus severing my ties from my parents completely. He has been my pride and joy since I first laid eyes on him, a premature newborn weighing 5.6 pounds. His light-skinned hands were small and frail, they curled against mine when I touched them. And when he looked at me, the realization set in that I was a mother at age 17. He was worth the abandonment, the assumptions, and the consequences. No one asked me \"How?\" or \"Why?\", they just assumed they knew all the answers. After having El, I was placed into a box, it's where all men place the women they find to be undesirable. Some are placed in a box because they're too needy, too clingy, too big and others because they're plain crazy. My box was titled in large bold red letters \"The Mommy Box\". I stayed there for years, hoping to get out but knowing I never would. Who wants a woman that has \"a kid”? But then I met Rowan Harley, a force to be reckoned with. He didn't just help me get out of the box, he pulled me out, wanting to be with the woman he was able to see behind the mask and the scars and the insecurities and the pain.

5 of 295 Rowan was right, as always, and he kept his promises. After the promise ring, which he slipped on my finger at his graduation bonfire, came the engagement ring then lastly my favorite one of all, the wedding ring. With close friends and family as our witnesses, we were wed April 23rd at 5:45 pm. On a medium-sized boat with the stunning ocean and vibrant sky as our background, we were pronounced husband and wife. Everything couldn't have gone more wrong that day. Anything you can think of that could possibly go wrong on a wedding day occurred. A dress that didn't fit, a broken-down limo, a sick maid of honor, a missing wedding planner, forgotten vows, rings fallen off-board, a hyperventilating bride, a teary son, and a missing tux for the groom to name a few. Years later, we can now look back and laugh at our misfortunes, realizing that we achieved the most important goal of that day: getting married. Personally, I don't think marriage is supposed to be difficult if you love each other. Yes, it's going to have its ups (like when Rowan and I spent a week in Jamaica, soaking in rays and drinking Long Island Iced Tea, swimming to our hearts' delight for our second anniversary) and downs (like when Rowan needed to have surgery) but in the end, you should be okay because you love each other. The only thing no one tells you is that after stepping out of the box, you might start wishing you had stayed in.

6 of 295 2. Firsts ~ Late August ~ As the old adage goes, the early bird gets the worm. I've been wide awake since four am, unable to sleep due to anxiety, nerves, and excitement. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered around. First days, you love them and you hate them. It was the start of new beginnings. At the same time, there was so much that was unknown. \"I've got it,\" Rowan said, still half-asleep. \"I do,” he added, reading my mind. After two years of marriage, you start developing a skill resembling mind reading. It's only when that skill backfires that you realized how far mind reading was from it. \"Don't be late,\" I warned, knowing my husband could be sluggish some mornings. Today was not the day to be late. It was my first day officially back to work but most importantly it was El's first day of second grade! His uniform, khaki pants, and a navy-blue shirt with the school's logo were nearly ironed. They were folded and placed on top of his dresser. \"I've done this before Saige, we'll be fine and on time,\" he repeated. It's been his catchphrase all week. \"You better.\" I said, leaning forward to kiss him on the lips. \"Have a good day,\" I said warmly. \"And take a lot of pictures!\" I was more nervous for El than he was. School was more of a social event than an educational one for him.

7 of 295 \"It's second grade, not graduation Saige,\" he said, backing away from the car so I could reverse. He scratched his beard with his hand and stretched his other arm outwards. \"Same thing.\" I said dismissively. Each school year was an achieved milestone. I documented each with pictures. From the doorway of our house, Rowan waved goodbye. I turned up the volume on the radio to hear about the traffic this morning. You never really know what to expect, it was always a surprise. Under the red light, I took a sip from my cup of coffee. Once I became a teacher, I was absolutely hooked to it. You know you're a teacher when you own multiple cups of coffee and the staff at the place you buy it at knows you by name. By now, the people at Loco Coco knew me by name. They knew the name of the people in my family and more details about me than an ordinary person. Waking El earlier than necessary seemed more like a disservice to me. Getting as much sleep in was important for him at his age. I had to be at school by 6:45 a.m., he didn't need to be there until 8:15. Rowan was getting him ready this morning, dropping him off to school, and walking him to his classroom before heading to work. My heart rate increased with the realization that my little boy was growing up. ~.~.~.~.~ \"It looks good.\" Diamond said, standing in the center and doing a 360 turn. \"That's the point,\" I said, picking up my coffee cup. \"I hope they like it.\" I said, staring at the different art and

8 of 295 images and posters on the walls. They were each educational in their own way. Even if a child was distracted, staring at the posters instead of paying attention, they would be learning something. \"They will, it's you,\" she said. \"You know those kids adore you,\" she said. Diamond has been working here for ten years, seven more years than I have. \"You know your stuff; you reach them in ways I haven't seen before.\" To have her say that was comparable to Adele complimenting one's singing skills. Our building was located near the front of the school to the right of the main office. It was a one-story building, 2 main classrooms separated by a shared bathroom. Recently, they installed a small kitchenette for us. Our approach to teaching our students was similar, Diamond and I strongly believed in guiding students in the learning process while letting them show us how they wanted to learn. Trying to teach them all using one technique, approach or method would be insane. They were different and had different needs, it was my personal responsibility to discover those needs and deliver them the education they deserved. Together, we had a total of 20 students divided amongst us. Nina, a third-grader with an attention deficiency rushed into the classroom. \"Saige!\" she yelled. \"I've missed you!\" She quickly wrapped her arms around me. Before I could say that I missed her too, she unwrapped her arms from my waist to explore the rest of the classroom. Every year I changed things up. This year's theme was the jungle since many of my

9 of 295 students loved wild animals. \"And this,\" she said spinning the globe. \"And the bean bags!\" she said dropping down on one.  \"Don't forget your feeling bracelet Nina,\" I reminded her. \"Oh yeah,\" She ran to the front of the room to grab a yellow bracelet from her cubby. She was happy and excited. The feeling bracelets were a healthy way for them to communicate how they felt without having to say so explicitly. The blue ones were for when they were sad, orange for frustrated, red for angry, and pink for when they didn't know how they felt. Each student had their own set of colored bracelets to prevent the spread of germs. To keep her from running around the room until class actually started, I gave her a small project. Putting together a puzzle of a farm. There were about 50 pieces. Next, Arden and Evie walked in together, looking around the room with apprehension. None of my students liked change, this was a good way to ease them into adapting to new surroundings. To avoid overwhelming them, I kept certain objects and posters from last year. Arden and Evie both slipped on yellow bands then joined Nina. Evie stayed to observe Nine for a minute before resorting to following me around as she explained what she did over the summer. \"And then we got a new girl puppy!” \"Really?\" I asked. \"What's her name?” \"I forget,\" she said. Although she tried to remember, she couldn't. Trauma to her brain made it hard for her to remember past events.

10 of 295 \"It's okay,\" I said soothingly, knowing the tears were soon to follow. \"How about for homework tonight, you draw me a nice picture of your puppy. Below it, write her name and age and anything else you want to share.\" I explained. \"Then you can show it to me tomorrow.\" Liking that idea, she ran off to find another activity to keep her busy until the bell rang. Kai walked into the classroom with his headphones on. It reduced the loudness of the bell, a sound that could cause him to yell and scream and throw a tantrum. By the time the bell rang, everyone who needed to be here was here. Jules wouldn't be here until two hours before school let out. For her, those were the hours where she had enough of sitting still and paying attention. \"Welcome back everyone!\" I said, clasping my hands together. \"I missed you.\" There was a mixture of replies and sounds in response. \"We're going to have so much fun this year.” \"Like last year?\" asked Nina. \"Yes, like last year but better.\" I've discovered getting the kids moving in the morning helped them and me too. We started our day by stretching our muscles and moving around as music played in the background. It wasn't all fun and games. As we stretched, we sang our ABC's, counted to 100, and spelled the objects we saw in the room. Most of a teacher's job involves moving from one student to another, helping them stay on track, and dealing with their emotions. Sometimes they were angry and didn't know why or how to express it. Sometimes they were sad and

11 of 295 wanted you to fix it. Having Emily, a teacher's assistant Diamond and I shared, helped more than one could understand. She was constantly traveling between the two rooms, helping our students do their best. Usually, the first week was dedicated to reviewing the material we learned and helping everyone adjust to the new year and their new surroundings. Making them feel safe and comfortable was the first step to reaching them and gaining their trust and respect. Throughout the day, I found myself falling in love with my job all over again. Malik was the only one who stayed with me throughout the whole day, the others came and gone. Malik strongly disliked crowded places and people. A pervasive frown was always on his face. He was incredibly intelligent yet unresponsive when placed in a classroom filled with more than 10 kids. He would immediately shut down. Yet, he thrived here. As a teacher, that's all you could ever want. ~.~.~.~.~ \"Bye David!\" yelled El, waving back and forth with his free hand. His other hand was busy holding on to mine as we walked to my car. \"Bye Elliott!\" yelled an equally excited David. During our 45-second walk to my car, at least ten kids acknowledged El and waved goodbye to him. My son was a little Mr. Popular. I don't know how to feel about that. I opened the back door for him to hop in then laid my bags in the seat beside him. \"Mr. Greene is so awesome.\" El said, chattering a mile a minute. He certainly wasn't a man of few words anymore. \"We have a

12 of 295 pet hamster. His name is Harry. If we're good, we'll get to take him home!\" he said excitedly. \"Isn't that cool?” \"Very,\" I said, trying to match his enthusiasm. Robert Greene and I got off on the wrong foot on my first day. Since then, we've stayed on the wrong foot. Never seeing eye to eye on anything. Seeing that he was going to be teaching El did not please me. El continued to share all the reasons why Mr. Greene was a great teacher. \"If I didn't already have a dad, I would want him to be my dad.\" El said, slamming the door behind him. That would never happen. Robert was rude, redundant and had ridiculous views and taste in dress, music, and just about everything. \"I wonder how Rowan would feel about that.” \"What he doesn't know won't hurt him.\" El said cheekily, making me laugh. El was in Diamond's class during the afternoon. He was there for the last hour until school finished. He still didn't understand why he had to have two teachers, claiming just one was fine with him. ~.~.~.~.~ \"Honey I'm home,\" Rowan yelled, walking through the front door. \"That never gets old,” he added, chuckling to himself.” Our schedules allowed us both to arrive home minutes from each other. I loved being able to start and finish the day together as a family. It's the luxury my parents couldn't

13 of 295 afford to give me. \"It's been two years; you can stop that now.\" I said, rolling my eyes. On the other hand, El found it hilarious, running into Rowan's embrace. \"Ro! You're home!\" He alternated between calling him Ro and dad with no rhyme or reason. \"I am, how was school? Mr. Greene is pretty cool, right?\" asked Rowan. He held onto his duffel bag, three times a week he got in a workout for himself. I admired his discipline when it came to working out and being the best he could be physically, emotionally and mentally. Maybe one day he'll get me to move past the idea of going to the gym and towards actually going. \"He's the best!\" El agreed. \"He's my favorite teacher.\" \"It's only been one day.\" I said. Rowan and El instantly liked someone after meeting them for a mere ten seconds. They were hasty. I was selective. \"That's all it takes.\" El said, shrugging his shoulders. \"You just know, when you know you know,” he said, repeating another one of Rowan's infamous catchphrases. The privilege of helping El with his first homework assignment of the year was all mine. Rowan worked on making dinner in the kitchen as El and I sat at the dining room table. \"Hi, my name is El,\" he said, pointing at myself. \"My favorite color is grey, and my favorite food is chicken nuggets. My mom works—\" \"You're not supposed to just tell them random facts about yourself El,\" I said. \"You have to share a defining moment of your life.\" It seemed like a large assignment for second

14 of 295 graders. Sometimes El couldn't even remember how to write his own name. \"But I'm boring, nothing interesting happens to me,\" he said, kicking his feet underneath the table. \"That is not true. Last summer, we went on a cruise. Not everyone gets to that.\" I said. Although I was plagued with seasickness, I enjoyed the late-night shows, karaoke, and the free buffet. I gained ten pounds that I still haven’t lost yet. Watching El tell us all about the fun he had each day warmed my heart, it was one very mother wished would never lead her child’s face. \"Rylie's family goes on a cruise every summer.” Well, good for her. \"Remember that time you went camping?” \"Boring!\" El said, demonstrating a snore to emphasize his point. In his apron reading \"Kiss The Chef,\" Rowan was busy cutting carrots. He was making dinner tonight; he did most nights. Not having to cook all the time for El and I was a bonus to marrying Rowan. \"What about the time you saved your mom?\" Rowan just had to bring up that an embarrassing incident. \"Oh yeah!\" he said. \"I'm choosing that, I don't think anyone has done that!\" Since the incident, El believed he was made to be a paramedic. Saving people was apparently in his blood.

15 of 295 Rowan brushed an imaginary speck of dirt off his shoulder, \"That's how you do it teach',\" he said, with a smirk on his face. ___________________________ Did you know? Saige won her seventh-grade talent show by performing a gymnastics routine on the stage.

16 of 295 3. Family First Around noon, the kids were either escorted to their own classrooms to have lunch with their class or they were escorted straight to the cafeteria. In the kitchenette, I warmed up leftovers from last night. Diamond would sometimes steal bits and pieces of my lunch, complimenting Rowan on his cooking skills. I bit off a piece of the garlic bread. Currently, I was updating the students' progress sheets and noting any concerns that I had at this time. \"Saige,\" Robert said, nodding his head to acknowledge my presence. Robert was the same height as my husband, had tanned skinned, and a clean-shaven face. Something about his blue eyes and blond hair made the teachers flock to him. His personality made me stay away. \"Robert.\" I said, doing the same. He looked around the classroom, taking in the posters and the kids arts hanging around. He was probably looking down at me. Apparently, not all teachers were created equal. If you weren't in a typical classroom, teaching about 20 students as it has been done for years, then you weren't a real teacher. \"I've got to say, you've have got one animated, intellectual, and captivating son,” he said. He came all the way here to say that? Robert's classroom was quite a walk from here, it was way out back next to the field and the playground. His building was the newest edition to the school to help accommodate the growing class sizes.  \"Thanks.\" I said, dismissing his compliment. It wasn't anything I didn't already know.

17 of 295 His brown glasses were pushed up against his face. “I wonder who he gets it from.\" I already didn't like where this was going. \"You or his father?\" he asked. He messed with the bottoms on the cuff of his sleeves. \"Sometimes life's greatest mysteries should just stay that way, don't you think?\" I asked. He raised both hands. \"Agreed.\" he said backing off. \"Now, getting to what I really wanted to talk to you about.\" ~.~.~.~.~ El was snoring softly in the back seat of the car. What about grocery shopping made him so sleepy afterward? Rowan believed it was the act of running around and pushing the cart. Grocery shopping wasn't typically a family activity, whoever was out and about did it. El wanted to come along this time to get material for an upcoming project and insisted on Rowan coming with us. \"Family sticks together.\" That was the basis of his argument. It was very effective; how could I argue against that? \"My mom—\" he began before chuckling. \"You're doing it again,\" he said. \"What?\" I asked, trying to compose my face into a neutral position. \"That face you make whenever I bring up my mom.\" He looked at me, cocking his head to the side.

18 of 295 Naomi didn't like me when we first met. She didn't like me when started dating, got engaged or got married. To this day, she still felt the same. \"Sorry,\" I said. \"I can't help it.\" I said, using my hand to hide a small smile. \"What did she say?” \"She and Charlee want to come to visit over winter break, I told her I'd run it through you first,\" he said. One hand was on the steering wheel, his other was intertwined with mine.  My mind was saying no. It didn't want her or Charlee in my own home. They weren't rude but they weren't nice either. However, I was relieved at how accepting they were of El. He was innocent in all of this. While El and Rowan were showered with love and affection, I was the invisible help. I may not want them to come but I wasn't going to stop them from coming. Family was very important to Rowan, he loved them dearly. I didn't want to stand in the way of him seeing them or vice versa. Just because I didn't see my family doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to see his. \"Always so considerate, what did I do to deserve you?\" I asked, looking over at my husband with love. Smiling, he leaned over and kissed me briefly on the lips. \"I ask myself the same thing every day.” ___________________________ Did you know? Rowan is terrified of worms, the thought of them feasting on decomposing bodies makes him shudder. He stills remember dissecting one when he was in the eighth grade. It gave him nightmares for a month.

19 of 295 4. Expanding The Family The weekend entails different things for different people. For us, Saturday was family day. Part of our Saturdays always involved doing something family oriented. Rowan loved looking for new adventures to embark on and new places to go. If Rowan was working then we saved family time for the evening, choosing to do something more laid back like watching a movie or stargazing. After family time, everyone was left to do what they wanted. Rowan and El might play video games or play basketball or tennis on the court. I saw it as a perfect occasion for me time. Sometimes I tended to my garden out back, flipped through a magazine, or took a bubble bath to the sound of relaxing music. Rowan and El threw a football back and forth in our backyard. Finding a house was harder than it looks, especially when you had a family where everyone had different needs. El wanted a backyard, somewhere he could run around and play. Also, he was adamant about having his own room. Rowan's list of must-haves included: a pantry, a walk-in closet in the master suite, double sinks in the master suite, granite counters, wooden floors but carpeted bedrooms and stainless-steel appliances. It was the first time Karen, our real estate agent, had met a man with so many needs. All I wanted was three bedrooms, two baths, and no stairs. Miraculously, she was able to find us a home within our price range in a quiet community.

20 of 295 Left in charge of the food, I stood watching the patties cook on the grill. In the kitchen, the corn was cooking. In the fridge, a large plate of watermelon was cut into triangular pieces, waiting to be devoured. The slight wind caused the frills on my romper to flutter around. Having a back to school barbecue was El's idea, he insisted on having hamburgers and baked beans. \"I think it's almost done.\" I said. \"You sure?\" Rowan asked, jogging over to double-check. \"You could've have waited until after we ate to get all hot and sweaty,\" I asked, scrunching my nose at their sweaty appearance. \"We were working up an appetite for all this delicious food,\" he said wrapping his arms around me. \"Which my loving and beautiful and classy—\" \"You're so full of it,\" I laughed. \"So full of the truth,\" he said. \"Come on El, let’s go freshen up before we're uninvited from our own barbecue.” \"She wouldn't do that,\" El said. \"She loves me too much.\" Droplets of sweat dripped down his face. He lifted up his shirt to wipe it. \"What about me?\" Rowan asked, pretending to be hurt. \"Eh,\" he said, tilting his hands like a teeter tot.  Shaking his head, Rowan chuckled and picked El up. He threw him over his shoulder and walked them inside to clean

21 of 295 up. They returned smelling better, looking better and with plastic plates and silverware. The table was set, all that was missing was the food. Rowan and I sat on one side, El on the other. He wanted a whole bench to himself. The baked bean's sauce was in his stomach but all over his mouth too as he ate. El had a system in place. One large bite of his burger was followed by a spoon full of baked beans, and two bites of his corn. His appetite was one of the few things that haven’t changed over the years. Gone was my quiet little boy. Gone were his tiny shoes. Gone were the days when he longed to be by my side every hour of the day. Slowly, he was developing his own identity and becoming comfortable in his own skin. With this new understanding came the realization that he was a bit different from the other kids his age. Smiling, I watched him argue with Rowan over which fast food place was the best: Burger King or McDonald’s. \"It's McDonald's, they're the best.\" El said. \"They have everything you want.” \"You mean they have everything you want,\" Rowan said, pointing at him. \"Burger King treats me like a king, all McDonald’s wants is your money.” \"They can have it; I just want the food and the toys.\" El said. He took another bite of his burger. \"Mom?\" asked El, turning to me. Easy to say when you’re not the one paying.”Mhm?\"

22 of 295 \"Can we have a baby?\" he asked, taking the conversation in a whole new direction, one I didn't see coming.  I started choking on the potato salad I was getting ready to swallow. Rowan started patting my back, sneakily covering his mouth to contain keep a laugh at bay. \"Yea, can we?\" he asked, once he saw I was fine. \"Don't encourage him,\" I said, swatting his hands away. \"Why do you want a baby El?” He shrugged, \"Mr. Greene has a new baby, I want one too. I want to be like Mr. Greene.\" I didn’t want Mr. Greene to be my son’s role model. ~.~.~.~.~ \"You really shouldn't encourage him,\" I said from the bathroom. I was combing out the tangles from my hair before I braided it and contained it under a black satin bonnet. \"We don't want to give him any false hope.\" My mind was still trying to dissect El's request from earlier today. \"False hope?\" Rowan asked from the bed. His arm was behind his head, he was flipping through the latest edition of his fitness magazine. \"It seems pretty realistic to me.\" \"We've talked about this Rowan.\" It was a touchy topic for us, me more than him. Everything was all set for Rowan, the guest room could easily be turned into a nursery he claimed. \"You've talked and I've listened Saige,\" he said chuckling.

23 of 295 \"Fine, you talk and I'll listen.\" I said, walking out the bathroom with my hands crossed over my chest. \"I didn't know I was such a chatterbox.\" \"You're not,\" he said, motioning me forward towards him. Rolling my eyes, I walked forward and took a seat near him on the edge of the bed. \"But we both know you become one- sided when we talk about this, seeing things the way you want to see them,\" he said gently. I couldn't deny that, \"Well, talk then.\" I said, waiting for his argument. \"I think we're ready,\" he began. \"You wanted to wait, so we waited. We waited and waited and now it's been two years Saige, going on three. We're not newlyweds, we're pretty happy and secured in our marriage. Right?\" he asked. \"Please do correct me if I'm wrong.” \"You're not, you're right.\" I said agreeing. These past few years have been great, no complaints. Rowan was an amazing husband; I wished every married woman had a husband who constantly made them feel loved and cherished and who took their wedding vows as seriously as he did. His selflessness really showed when he was understanding about my hesitancy to leave El to go on a honeymoon. I wasn't new to being a mother but I've never been away from my son for more than a couple of hours. Leaving him for a week seemed like an eternity. I couldn't do it. Instead of whisking me away to another county, Rowan booked the three of us a room at Disney's Animal Kingdom Villas for one week. Walking into the room that first day, I was wowed by personalized gifts, treats, and décor. Visiting

24 of 295 the four main parks, taking endless photos, and bonding as a family was unforgettable. It made me fall more in love with him. \"Then don't you think it's about time we've expanded our family?\" he asked. \"Another addition to the family, a little sister or brother for El, you know?\" he asked. \"It won't be like the first time,\" he said, referring to my first pregnancy with El. Those seven months were crazy, nothing but pain and loneliness and confusion. At 17, I was left alone to figure all these things out by myself and make all these difficult decisions. My first pregnancy was nothing like what you see in the movies, except the pain and the screaming. \"You have me, I'll be there every step of the way... you know El loves you. He'll do whatever he needs to do to make it easier on you too.” \"I don't know Rowan,\" I said hesitantly. It's not that I didn't believe him because I did but a part of me feared he wanted a baby because he wanted a child of his own. Rowan claimed El as his own but at the end of the day, he wasn't his biologically. Like he said years ago, there was something monumental about a man having a child of his own. \"We have El, isn't that enough?\" I asked softly. It sounded silly to say it aloud. \"This isn't about El being insufficient Saige,\" he said, patiently pulling me away from those negative thoughts. \"I love El so much that I want another one of him running around, causing mischief and bringing happiness into our lives.\" He said. \"Just think about it, don't be so quick to shut it down...\" he said. \"again... for the hundredth time,” he

25 of 295 added with a playful tone. That was Rowan for you, quick to turn from serious to light-hearted.  It's one of my favorite things about him, especially since it contrasted with my serious nature. \"Oh be quiet,\" I said, gently pushing him away. Rowan fell asleep probably thinking about what our future baby would look like and be like. Would it be a girl or a boy? Would it have light-toned skin like me or inherit his darker tone? Would he or she love looking for the next adventure or prefer crawling into bed for an afternoon nap? All of these questions were probably being answered, one dream at a time. He slept mainly on his back with one arm thrown over his eyes, barely moving throughout the night. I, on the other hand, laid awake, twisting and turning back and forth with guilt-ridden thoughts about the one we had lost. The one he didn't know about. ___________________________ Did you know? El absolutely hates the sound of an alarm waking him up but likes the idea of having and setting up an alarm. Rowan or Saige sets their own alarm five minutes early so they wake him up before his starts to go off. Before that system was in place, El would wake up every morning in a foul mood. Now, he wakes up ready to start the day.

26 of 295 5. Fitness First ~ Early September ~ Your chances of finding me at the gym, any gym, was relatively small. If you did by any chance find me there, it was going to be Rowan related. Rowan tried and tried to get me to become a member of Fitness First, emphasizing the benefits of relieving the day's stress in a healthy manner and strengthening my nonexistent muscles. It was still work in progress, I was his wife and therefore his hardest potential customer. An issue at the gym demanding his attention as the manager explained my presence. Gigi's friendly face was the first thing I saw walking in, she was such a sweet person. \"Hey, look it is! It's Saige and El!\" She clapped her hands together excitedly. \"Gigi!\" El said, jumping up to give her a high five. \"I like your hair, it's stunning.” Stunning? Really? Her light brown was straightened today, gone were the usual curls that matched her buoyant personality. “Thanks El,\" she said, grinning. \"My boyfriend could learn something from you. He hasn't even noticed that I cut it, it's like three inches shorter.\" She handed him a mint. If he wasn't already crushing on her, he would have started today. The way to a man's heart was definitely through his stomach. 

27 of 295 \"To what do we owe this surprise?\" she asked. \"Rowan's staying late today, I'm just here to bring him his dinner. Can I just put it in his office?\" I asked. Looking around, you could tell I was out of place. \"Yeah, go ahead,\" she said. \"You know the way.\" Rowan's office was the only office in the entire building. The other staff members worked in cubicle-like areas with a window. There, they signed up new members. Business was booming. Although difficulties prevented Rowan from opening his own gym as he wanted, he loved managing one. Fitness First was similar in size to other popular gyms, same equipment and similar classes available, but it was affordable! Couples, lone wolves, friends, and families filled the gym. Each had their own reason for being here. Whether it was losing weight, trying to gain muscle, or wanting to blow off steam, Rowan and his team of trainers were here for you. I exchanged the lunch in his lunch bag with his dinner. On a sticky note, I wrote: You know I love you if I'm willing to cook for you! Enjoy Ro. Love you, Saige & El. Underneath, El added in some smiley faces and the McDonald's symbol. On our way out, we bumped into Tamera. She smiled at me and rolled her eyes. \"Sometimes, people make me want to scream.\" She said balling her fist. Tamera's black hair was braided down her back. As a trainer, your hair had to be secured one way or another. \"Another guy?\" I asked, remembering the previous times Rowan and I discussed the issue. \"Another guy,\" She repeated. She leaned against the wall.

28 of 295 \"A woman can be just as good of a trainer as a man, why is that so hard to understand?\" she asked. \"Don't ever underestimate a girl El, got it?” \"Got it,\" he said, nodding his head up and down. Tamera scared him even though she was just as kind as Gigi. However, she did have muscled arms and legs and the strength of a bodybuilder. I could see why he was intimidated. Nothing about me was muscles, I was softened with fat. \"See ya Saige.” \"Bye Tamera.\" I said waving. Annually, Rowan tried to do something for his team to show his appreciation for their hardworking. Last year, he invited them over for a catered dinner at our house. It was nice seeing his work life and home life intertwine for one night. \"She's scary.\" El said, opening the car door. \"Who Gigi?\" I asked. \"No, the other one.” \"Tamera?\" I asked, playing dumb. “Why?\" \"She's so strong.” \"And that makes her scary?\" I asked. \"I think she's cool, I wish I was strong like that.” \"I like you just the way you are mommy,” he said. Hearing him slip and call me mommy made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I really loved my boys.

29 of 295 ___________________________ Did you know? Saige used to think about changing her name to Valerie. There were days when she just wanted to be someone else, anyone but herself. Saige was worthless and unworthy of her parents’ love and attention. Valerie would be brave, bold, and confident. She would keep her head up. She would keep a smile on her face. She would be whole, not a single piece of her would be broken.

30 of 295 6. Babysitter \"And both of our phone numbers are on the fridge!\" I reminded her. Rowan grabbed my hand and pulled me forward towards the door. \"Oh, and make sure he's in bed on time! Don't let that cute face fool you, he gets super cranky when he doesn't get enough sleep.\" \"We'll see you soon Natalia.\" Rowan said, waving to her with his free hand. \"Bye,\" she said with a knowing smile on her face. \"Have a great time.\" Natalia was referred to us by Gigi. Natalia was Gigi's best friend's niece. Together, we interviewed five potential babysitters, Natalia was the best one. She was the older sister to twins, a boy and girl, and she had an older brother. If anyone knew how to deal with children big and small, it was her. El adored her and looked forward to having around. He even claimed we should go out on dates more often. \"We will,\" he said, firmly closing the door behind us. \"Rude,\" I muttered. \"I wasn't done yet.” \"If it was up to you, you would never be done,\" he said, opening the passenger's door. \"I'm just reminding her of our contact info.” He slammed the door shut and walked over to the driver's side. “It’s on the fridge.\" he said.

31 of 295 \"She might forget.” \"It's also on her phone.” “But—\" \"Relax Saige, it's not her first time babysitting El. We love her and we trust her, remember?\" he asked. \"Just keep repeating that to yourself like a mantra.” To keep the romance alive in our marriage, Rowan and I had regular date nights. In our bedroom, we had a jar labeled \"Date Night Jar\". In it were Popsicle sticks that had ideas on it. Occasionally El would add in his own ideas. On the actual date night day, one of us pulled a Popsicle stick out without looking. Tonight, it was my turned to pick. I grabbed a stick suggesting we visit the taco truck on main avenue. It wasn't your average taco truck; Manny had his own lot which he furnished with chairs and tables for people to sit at. His two sons waited tables sometimes, bringing food to the waiting customers so they wouldn’t have to get up. A makeshift stage facing the truck often had musicians playing a wide range of music. People felt compelled to grab a partner and move their bodies to the melodies and sing along to the lyrics, whether they knew them or not. The only thing Manny lacked was parking, but his delicious food made up for that. ~.~.~.~.~ \"And Kai is so smart,\" I said shaking my head. \"I just hate that he won't be given the same chance as all the other kids

32 of 295 because—\" I sensed that I was slowly losing Rowan's attention. \"What are you looking at?\" I asked, turning my head to see what had grabbed his attention. Behind me, directly in his line of vision, was a father with two daughters. Sitting down on the chair, one daughter sat on his lap and the youngest laid in her stroller. He leaned towards the baby, making silly faces at her to which she giggled and spit with pure joy. I turned back around, feeling ashamed and inadequate. Rowan looked down at his plate. Not one of us said a word, waiting for the other to say something first. \"So Kai, sorry I got distracted,\" he said smiling softly. \"We can't just bounce back from that,\" I said, frustrated at my inability to get things right the first time. \"I don't even remember what I was saying, forget it.” My shoulders slumped. “It’s not important.” \"I want to know Saige. I heard part of it but not all of it,” he said. \"Look, I know you're upset. I'm sorry,\" Rowan was quick to apologize to ease the tension and calm the stormy waters. He had nothing to be sorry for. \"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong.\" I said, annoyed that he was so quick to take the blame. \"I upset you. Tonight is our night to enjoy each other's company,\" he said. \"That's what I want to do,\" he said. We joked, laughed, and did a bit of dancing for the remainder of our time there but it wasn't the same. Seeing

33 of 295 that father with his daughter took away a certain happiness from that night. My biggest fear when it came to dating Rowan was that I would hold him back. My greatest fear was coming true. Maybe it would have been better if we had stayed broken up. After Rowan graduated, he slipped a promise ring on my finger then traveled to Asia four days later. It's been a dream of his to backpack through Asia, wanting to experience diverse cultures. Saying long-distance dating was difficult was putting it lightly. Once he came back, the challenges really started setting in. We broke up for six never-ending months, it was probably over something stupid since I couldn't remember exactly why. Graduating a year early has always been my plan. Despite all that was going on in my life, it was a goal I achieved. At my graduation day dinner, surrounded by close friends, Rowan proposed. A year later, we got married under unbelievable circumstances. I thought about our past and watched the street signs go by as Rowan drove. \"Penny for your thoughts?\" he asked. \"My thoughts are worth more than a penny,\" I said, trying to lighten up the mood. \"We're married,\" he said. \"It's supposed to be free; I was being generous by offering you a penny.” Rolling my eyes, I said, \"We both know you're making up these marital rules as you go along.”

34 of 295 \"They've worked, we've made it this far so just keep rolling with it baby.\" Hearing the word baby made me tense up again. My shoulders dropped and I sighed. \"Stop overthinking this,” he said softly. \"With or without a baby, I'm happy. You and El make me happy, stop trying to tell yourself differently.\" \"Are you happy?\" I asked. \"Or are you content?\" he asked. \"Are those not the same thing?\" he asked. \"If they were the same exact thing, there wouldn't be two different words.\" I said. They were similar but they weren’t exactly the same. \"I don't want you to be content, I want you to be happy. You're here,\" I said, placing my hand at the same level as my chest. That's contentment. But you could be here,\" I said, raising that same hand above my head. \"That's happiness, you're satisfied with where we're were at in life, but you can't tell me that you don't want more.\" I wouldn't buy that from him. \"I'm happy Saige,\" he repeated. \"With or without a baby.\" He turned right under the light. \"My happiness or our marriage isn't dependent on your ability to conceive.\" He explained. \"If we were to find out today that you couldn't have any more children or I couldn't father a child, for one reason or another, I would still love you. I would still love being married to you. I admit it,\" he said raising a hand. \"I'd be disappointed because I do want us to have a baby... but that wouldn't stop me from being happy that we're together and we're a family.”

35 of 295 The thought never occurred to me. What if I was messed up inside now and couldn't give him the child that he wanted? Being a woman was hard. \"I wouldn't be happy,\" I said. \"You know I wouldn't be able to get over that, I may not be on board the baby bus but not having that option would— I don't even want to think about.\" \"Then don't, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen.\" \"It won't happen until we,\" I said, pointing at the both of us. \"Make it happen.\" Didn't he pay attention to reproductive health classes in school? ___________________________ Did you know? El doesn't like when people call him by his full name. El sounds cooler to him, exotic even though he does know it means \"the\" in Spanish.

36 of 295 7. Good Parents When you're working with kids who are considered to be \"normal\", you didn't always know what to expect. Things were constantly changing, and they kept surprising you. Teaching kids with physical and learning disabilities were no different. It could be frustrating at times to watch them make progress, great progress, but then slowly regress. It's not their fault, not at all, but I couldn't help but be upset with their circumstances. I wanted so much more for them, wanting them to achieve all of their dreams and aspirations. Every Thursday, the last fifteen minutes of class was DEAR (drop everything and read) time. A lot of the students preferred hearing someone read to them on the tablet as they looked at the pictures. There were two reading areas in the room, designated by the two large rugs and bean bags. While they read, I prepared for a faculty meeting after school. Diamond and I weren't looking forward to it. We were treated differently among the faculty; they knew it and we knew it. \"Can I go used the bathroom?\" asked Jules. \"Yes, you can.\" I said.  Teaching them had its own challenges but I wouldn't trade it for anything the world. I loved each and one of them like they were my own, maybe because I had a son that could've easily been one of them.

37 of 295 ~.~.~.~.~ Rowan's car was still running when I drove into our driveway. \"Hey,\" I said, coming out of the car. We arrived home at the same time today. He got out of his car, \"Bad day?\" he asked. His beard was becoming unruly. He desperately needed to trim it. \"How did you know?\" I asked, grabbing my bags. There was grading that needed to be done and the grade book needed updating. \"I heard it in your voice,\" he said, coming closer to wrap an arm around my shoulders. \"What about you El?\" he asked. \"Bad day?” \"Nope, it was great!\" he said. \"I already finished my homework at school,\" he said, taking the keys from my hand to open the front door. We followed him into the house. \"And it's going to be my turn to take Harry home soon. I love life.\" He said, sighing with satisfaction. \"Glad your life is going great.\" Rowan said chuckling. \"Thanks, how's yours?\" El asked, distractedly trying to unlace his sneakers and pull them off. He preferred walking around barefoot in and out of the house. \"Good, thanks for asking.”

38 of 295 \"Welcome.\" He answered, heading towards his room to undress. \"Your turn,\" Rowan said. \"Did something happen to one of the kids?” \"Yeah, Malik's mom is thinking of changing schools.\" I pulled away to face him as we talked. \"She’s starting to think we're not a right fit for him. She found this crazy expensive school, offering promises to \"fix\" him,\" I explained, still in disbelief from the phone call. It was hard not to take it personally. Was the school truly not a good fit or was I not a right guy for her son? \"He doesn't need to be fixed! Clearly, he doesn't think or act like other kids but what happened to individuality. His mother clearly doesn't understand that he's not like other kids,\" My frustration from earlier was returning. \"Maybe if she didn’t drink when she was pregnant, she could have the \"normal child\" she so desperately wants.\" Rowan knew when to just listen and let me vent. \"Nothing has been decided yet, right?\" he asked. \"No.\" I said sighing. Malik was a sweet boy; I think we could give him the education his mom was looking for. \"Then, even though you're concerned,\" he said gently running his hands up and down my back. \"Don't get too worked up about it. Maybe she'll change her mind.\" \"Maybe.\" I agreed. \"I just hate it when parents can't see what they have before them. They're too focused on all the things their child can't do rather than what they can do.\"

39 of 295 \"We're not like that,\" he said, pulling me into an embrace. It's exactly what I needed right now. I could tell he was freshly showed, he smelled like Coast soap and Old Spice. \"No, we're not.\" I said, wrapping my arms around a man who has become my safe haven, my source of comfort, and my beacon of hope. I've been aware of El's limitations since he was born. Informing Rowan about them felt natural, there was nothing to be ashamed of. He was just different. Yet, like any other child, he deserved to have equal opportunities and the right to be loved and treated like the child that he was. It's what good parents wanted and gave to their children. I wasn't any different.  ___________________________ Did you know? When Rowan first attended a new elementary school when he was seven years old, his mom forced him to join the baseball team to make new friends. Rowan purposefully sucked so they could bench him, and he could quit. His mom wasn't motivated to put in all the energy that comes with playing sports, including coming to games, if he wasn't going be out on the field. Needless to say, he made friends with the other baseball team dropouts.

40 of 295 8. The Letter \"You're so quiet,\" I said at dinner. El and Rowan were usually the chatterboxes. El and I were mostly talking tonight. Rowan was too quiet, attentively listening to us whine and complain. \"My day wasn't as exciting as yours,\" he said smiling. He rested his chin on his hand. \"Let's see, I stayed in bed until noon because I could.\" It was Rowan's day off. \"I did some cleaning around the house, mowed the lawn, and did some laundry,\" he explained. \"Then I did the groceries, but I left the list at home, so I probably forgot something important that you're going to make go back and get tomorrow,\" he said chuckling. \"Then I checked the mailbox. See, pretty boring?\" \"Did you wash my favorite shirt?\" asked El. It was probably one of many shirts that were washed today. His shirts were worn for a couple of hours then he had to change because it was stained with juice, dirt, or something I couldn't identify. \"The tie-dye one?\" Rowan asked. \"Yeah, that's my only favorite shirt,\" he said like it was a known fact. The tie-dye shirt was his favorite ever since he made it last year with Myrah, his second-grade teacher. Myrah was the best of the best, she had those kids wrapped around her fingers. Coming to class was never a chore for El, he looked forward to it. There were days when we woke up before his alarm and our alarm, eager to get to class.

41 of 295 \"Yeah, I did. It might still be in the basket. Don't forget to put your clothes away after dinner,\" said Rowan. \"All of them,\" he added, knowing El would put five away then get distracted by something else. \"Thanks, you really are the best,\" he said. His salad was still untouched, the pork tenderloin was nearly gone. \"I didn't know there was a doubt about it,\" said Rowan. Although the food was delicious, like always since it was Rowan's cooking, he didn't seem to be enjoying it. \"Mr. Greene is trying to take away the title.\" What was it with boys and competition? \"Of being the best?\" Rowan asked, pretending to be shocked. \"Are you just going to do me like that El?\" \"It's out of my hands,\" he said, pulling a carrot off the fork with his teeth. Since Rowan spent all day working hard, El and I took care of the cleaning after dinner. He brought me the plates as I began washing them. Then he started drying as I was washing. \"Don't forget the clothes,\" I reminded him. I dried my hands with the cloth. \"Call me when you're done so I can come inspect. I don't want to see your clothes stuffed into the drawer.” \"Fine.\" He groaned, walking towards his bedroom.   ~.~.~.~.~

42 of 295 \"Hey Saige?\" Rowan said, walking into our bedroom. He just finished reading a story with El before bed. It was their thing; they moved past picture books and were reading chapter books together. Right now, they were starting the My Weird School Series. \"Mhm,\" I said, writing rapidly as the ideas popped up in my head. I was in the middle of planning my lessons for next week and writing my objectives for each of my students. \"I'm going to need your attention,\" he said, taking a seat on the bed. It dipped with his added weight. Surprisingly, Rowan and I didn't really gain weight after we got married like some couples do. If I had to estimate, I would say I gained four pounds then ten from the cruise last summer. Whatever he gained, he lost with extra hours spent at the gym hitting stuff and lifting weights. \"One second,\" I said, writing even faster before I lost my train of thought. \"Saige,\" he repeated again. It's been five minutes. \"Okay, okay! I'm done,\" I said, closing my notebook. \"I'm all yours.” \"Something came in the mail for you today.\" He said. \"What it?” \"A letter,” he said.

43 of 295 \"From who?\" I asked grabbing it from him. \"What does it say?” \"Didn't read it.” \"Why?\" I asked. Just because it was addressed to me didn't mean Rowan couldn't read it. We had nothing to hide from each other. I've read Rowan's messages as he drove all the time and he's sent text messages on my behalf when I forgot to do it. I flipped it over, searching for the name. \"Because it's from—\" \"Michael Sykes.\" We said at the same time, making direct eye contact communicating our similar concerns and worries at what this could mean for me, for him, for El, and for us? Why did all good things have to come to an end? ___________________________ Did you know? Saige greatest wish used to be to have her parents unconditional love. She's given up on that.

44 of 295 9. Avoidance There were certain matters Rowan and I didn't tend to see eye to eye on. The most effective way to deal with this issue was one of them. Rowan was all about dealing with it. It was the right thing but it easier said than done. Despite our differing views and opinions, we agreed it was in everyone's best interest to ignore the letter. Rowan placed it somewhere, I didn't know where and I didn't care, and we've tried to forget about it since then. Once again, forgetting was easier said than done. His name was one often on my mind, I couldn't just ignore his existence. El was proof he existed. El was proof of what happened in the past. The letter generated a paranoia within me that I couldn't shake. Rowan and I were both on guard, fearful of the threat he possessed for our family. For El's sake, we maintained normalcy and acted like the letter didn't exist. Letter? What letter? ~.~.~.~.~ Most community pools were absolutely disgusting. Kids were adorable but they went whenever and wherever. Our community pool was not, they had two pools. A larger one, ideally for older kids and adults and a smaller one from the younger kids that still wanted to swim around or wet their

45 of 295 feet. Swimming laps in a pool was as close as I came to exercise. The community pool was nowhere near the size of the one my parents had. My legs and my arms started aching as I swam from one end to another. \"Look at her go.\" Rowan said, floating with El on the other side. \"You've could've been a professional swimmer Saige,\" he said when I swam back towards them. \"The talent is still there.” \"I did love swimming.\" I said, placing myself in a position to swim on my back. In seventh grade, I joined the swimming team and fell in love with it immediately. Most evenings were spent running laps and doing extra practices in my own pool. \"I love swimming.\" El said, jumping into the pool again. It's all he's been doing. Getting out and jumping in. \"I could swim all day.” \"It looks like you have,\" I said, pointing as his wrinkled skin. \"You look like a raisin.\" Before we walked over to the pool, I slathered our bodies with sunscreen. Rowan made a great fit, claiming he didn't need any. El followed in his lead. A long stare was enough to straighten them up. The greatest laughs came from Rowan and El teaming up to try to catch me in the pool. Pity moved me to let them catch me. \"I've got her El.\" said Rowan, wrapping his arms around. \"What do you say we should with her?” \"Off with her head!\" he exclaimed, wiping the water from his face.

46 of 295 \"That's a bit drastic,\" I said. \"Are you sure you want to do that?\" he asked. \"We could just lock her up.” \"I like that idea better.\" I said. \"Let's do that then.\" said El. Locking me up involved Rowan throwing me over his shoulders until we got home. His strength amazed me sometimes, it amazed El all the time. It's how we convinced him to drink milk. Drink enough milk and you'll grow up strong like Rowan. When we got home, we headed to the shower to get rid of the chlorine and to feel fresh. Later in the evening, we got started on making homemade pizza. Rowan made the pizza dough from scratch two days ago. \"Flattening the dough! Flattening the dough!\" sang El. \"Flat, flat, flat.” \"The world's next best single,\" teased Rowan. \"I think that's good now, it's as flat as it's going to be.\" Rowan handed us each a bowl. \"Now, flip it over to make our personally sized pizzas.” \"How many can this make?” \"Three should be good.\" I said. \"But I wanted four.\" he said. \"I don't odd numbers.”

47 of 295 \"Then make two.\" I said, finding a compromise. \"Make two large pizzas.” \"You're going to need a bigger bowl for that then,\" Rowan said, reaching above our heads to grab one. The crust was ready. Rowan went around adding a dollop of sauce, and a layer of cheese before we added the toppings. El made two meat lovers pizza. His first pizza was topped with leftover bacon pieces, sausages, diced onions, and tomatoes. His second one had crumbled up meatballs, pepperoni, mushrooms, and black olives. Rowan's was that different from his. Taking a healthier approach, my three pizzas were concerned with bell peppers, cilantro, diced onions, pepperoni, and mushrooms. We all stuck with Parmesan cheese. \"Way to make us feel fat babe.\" Rowan said, coming over to kiss me on the cheek.“ \"She's trying to watch her figure,\" said El cheekily. \"Now where did you hear that?\" I asked, placing my hands on my hips. \"You said it to Laylah, I heard you on the phone.\" He was proud of himself for this achievement. \"Her figure looks fine as it is, don't you think?\" Rowan asked. \"I dunno, I don't what a figure is.\" he said, putting a black olive into his mouth. Rowan chuckled and went back to

48 of 295 working on his pizza. Kids always manage to surprise you with what they did and didn't know. \"Now, we'll let them bake at 350 for fifteen minutes.” \"But that's forever,\" groaned El. \"What will I do until then?” \"Help clean up.\" I suggested. El looked around at the dirty bowls and spoons, the floor covered with cheese and sauce. \"Wow, you two really made a mess,\" he said with his hands on his hip. \"If I remember correctly, the three of us made this together so we could clean it up together. Right Ro?\" I asked. \"Right, sounds fair to me.” \"Mr. Greene says we need to be leaders at school and at home. I'll supervise,\"  he said. \"Mom, you can wash the dishes. Dad, you can sweep the floor, and mop the floor.” \"And what will you do?\" I asked amusedly. \"Supervise,\" he said hitting his face with the palm of his hands. \"It means watch you and see if you do it right. If you don't, I'll have to make you do it again,\" he explained. \"Try to get it right the first time,\" he said patting my arm. \"I would hate to make you redo it.\" Rowan and I looked at each other, that little boy was getting to be too much. \"That's all you right there.\" Rowan muttered as he swept the floor.

49 of 295 \"I'm bossy?\" I was, I wouldn't deny it. \"Not what I was going to say,\" he said, dropping the broom. He got closer. \"More like you're always in control. I love that about you,\" he said caressing my face. \"Be careful,\" I said in a singsong voice. \"If the boss catches you without a broom in your hand, you're going to be in trouble.\" It surprised me at times how much El was a stickler for the rules. If I took a yellow light, I was getting a lecture. If I took red light, accidentally, he would be upset. In his mind, taking a red light led to jail. If I went over the speed limit, he would tell me to slow down. \"Trouble is my middle name,\" he smirked, kissing me anyways. My hands were wet and sudsy and my hair was sticking in every direction. Yet no matter what, Rowan was always able to see the beauty within. ___________________________ Did you know? Rowan's mother does not like Saige. She feels like Rowan married too soon and didn't enjoy life as a single man. She wanted him to explore the world some more, get married, and in time start a family. In her opinion, it happened too fast.

50 of 295 10. November Blues ~Early November ~ November was still the hardest month of the year for me. I don't think anything could ever change that. It was the turning point of my life, the moment where my life started plunging. \"Did you hear what the doctor said?\" he asked, forgetting if I was there in the room with him. \"I'm perfect.” Our appointment was at eight in the morning. Dr. Walker knew what he was doing, as he should. He had nothing but good news to share. My son was healthy and happy and where he needed to be. \"He said you're healthy,\" I said wrapping an arm around him. \"And strong! I didn't even cry once.\" He lifted his arm to show me the bandage on his arm. \"The flu shot isn't that bad,\" I said. Raising an eyebrow, he said, \"Speak for yourself, it's the worst.\"  \"Do you know why you have to take it?\" I asked. \"So I don't get sick?\" he asked.