The Collection:The Struggles of Young Women_PDF Version

would leave her kids! No woman in her right mind would jeopardize her kids’ wellbeing and future.\" \"Hales,\" he said pulling me into his arms. \"When are you going to give this a rest Gavin? You agreed to wait at least a year or two after I graduate,\" \"That was before,\" \"Before what?\" I asked. \"Before I realized that I didn't want to wait, I just want to start building a happy family. In the end, isn’t that what we both want? Does it matter when it happens?\" \"Gavin,\" I asked him seriously pulling him by the chin to look me at my face. \"What did you do?\" Whenever he was guilty of something, he tries to compensate for it in another way. Like he was doing now. \"Why do you assume I did something?\" he asked defensively. \"You know what just forget it.\" He

released his hold around my waist. He left me there in the bedroom. \"No, you want to talk. Let's talk,\" I said following him around to the living room. It was time to bring my suspicions to his attention. I've been silent but now was a good time as any. \"What did you do? What are you trying to make up for?\" I asked him. \"Huh?\" \"Hmm, let's see,\" I said thinking. \"Was it Jess, Francine or Angel?\" Upon saying Angel's name, he clenched his teeth and a look of regret was there and then it was gone. \"Angel it is then,\" \"Do you think I'm stupid?\" I asked lowly. \"Do you think I didn't realize you were staying out later and later each and every night? Did you think I wouldn't see past your lies?\" I asked. \"Come on Gavin, since when were you thrilled at the prospect of having kids?\" \"I've always wanted to have kids with you Hales, that's nothing new—\" \"But your sudden urge to have a child isn't because you really want to but because you're trying to compensate for you did—\"

\"Ha-\" \"Don't Hales me!\" I said back away from him. \"I'm glad we haven't had a child yet, the last thing I would want is for my son to become a cheater like you!\" \"Baby, it was an accident.” He said in a softer tone, trying to placate a kid on the verge of a tantrum. I promise you it will never happen again.\" He said, hoping I would see how much rerated his actions. \"She came on to me—\" \"And you just couldn't resist?\" I finished bitterly. \"Ha—\" \"Why?” I asked him. ”Huh? Was she prettier? Funnier than me? Did she flatter you with compliments? Did she boost your ego? What did she have that I couldn't give you Gavin?\" \"Nothing, I was an idiot and I should've never—\" \"The funny thing is, I've never felt good enough for you and now for you to go behind my back and do this confirms it.\"

\"If she's what you want then go and get her.\" I said shaking my head. I wasn't going to fight for him to stay faithful. If he wanted to leave this relationship, he was free to do so. \"Are you kicking me out?\" he asked me. \"No, this has always been your place I was just a temporary roommate. I grabbed a couple of shorts, pants, and underwear. I shoved them in a duffle bag and threw the wedding ring on the bed. \"Hales don't do this! You're my everything.\" I was out of the apartment in seconds and into my car speeding off into the night. My eyes were blurred by tears and by the breaking of my heart. It's not like I had anywhere to go. Showing up at my grandma's house at this time would surely cause her to have a heart attack. I found a comfy parking stop in Walmart and settled there. Alone and hurting, I began to cry for not being good enough. I've always given Gavin my everything. My time, my heart, my love, whatever it was you name it. His cheating was like him handing it back to me with the label: not good enough. So much for starting a family. 

18. Tiger Mothers My name is Sakaë Nguyen. My mother specifically chose the Sakaë meaning prosperity. When my father asked her why she chose that name specifically, her response was, \"So she always remembers the goal. She was born to be prosperous in all aspects of her life whether it be academics, business, or life in general.\" By the time I was six, I was already having weekly piano and violin lessons on top of my ballet lessons. One of my biggest mistakes at the age was asking her if I could learn to play the guitar instead. Her usual brown eyes at the time looked bright red with anger. \"Guitar? Are you a fool Sakaë?\" she asked incredulously. From that day and onward, I never brought it up again or offered suggestions. From that moment onward, I never spoke about what I wanted. At that point in my life, I learned that what I wanted was trivial. \"Sakaë,\" called my mother. \"How did your lessons go today?\"

\"Great.\" \"Great?\" she repeated in confusion. \"They went very well.\" I said correcting myself. I must be more tired than I thought to make such a mistake. Great was the response of an imbecile in my mother's opinion. \"School is starting soon, are you looking forward to it?\" she asked smiling. \"I can't wait.\" I said smiling. If only she would take a second to look at my eyes, my face and my smile. She would notice the bags under my eyes. She would notice the dullness behind my eyes. She would notice the effort it took to muster a fake smile. \"Should we go over the classes you'll be taking?\" \"That won't be necessary,\" I said shaking my head. \"I remember.\" How could I not? I was dreading each upcoming day because that means I'm one day closer to the start of school. Once school started, like a gerbil I would be right back on my wheel running over and over yet getting nowhere. My morning would begin with calculus

then continue with AP biology, AP English Literature, AP World History, AP Spanish, AP Chemistry and AP psychology. This year my mother made sure I was taking all AP classes. Last year she started a committee to implement more AP classes than we already had. She said they were inadequate and were limiting the students' abilities and opportunities. My eyes threatened to close many times. There was a moment when my mother caught me and slapped the dashboard to wake me. \"There are not enough hours in a day for you to be sleeping Sakaë.\" she said annoyed with my body’s natural response to boredom and sleep deprivation. \"You can sleep as much as you want for as long as you want when you're dead.\" Once the car was parked in front of the house, I quickly grabbed my violin case from the back and walked inside. My father was probably in the study trying to find a cure for cancer. \"Be silent,\" my mother whispered lowly she pointed at the study. Her whisper sounded like a snake’s hissing at the sight of seeing an adversary. \"Close the door while you're practicing the piano. We wouldn't want to disturb your father.\"

Wordlessly I walked up the stairs to my room and closed the door. I undressed to free myself from the constraints of my practice uniform consisting of black stockings and a plaid dress. In the middle of slipping on my plain casual dress over my head, I stopped. My eyes fell upon my last quarter report card. My mother taped it on the mirror across from my bed where it was the most noticeable. It served as a reminder of my failure. Last year I struggled with pre-calculus more than anything in the world. Despite the money spent on tutoring and extra help, I still found myself struggling which is how I got an 85 on my report card. Anything less than 90 was despicable. It was a failure. Anything that ranged between 90 and 99 was tolerable but proved there was room for improvement. My body screamed for me to stop with each movement I made. I just wanted to close my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch television for once. I just wanted to have friends.

I just wanted to go to a sleepover for once. I just wanted to have fun. I just wanted to be a normal girl with normal dreams and normal aspirations. What I didn't want was a tiger mother dictating my every move and every part of my life.

19. The Body Of An Athlete \"One hundred more,\" I said to myself. I was breathing heavily. Sweat could be found glistening all over my body, from my brow to my pits to my socks.  The gym was one of my favorite places to be. It was my place to tune out the entire world and relax. Working out was definitely my stress reliever. Others ran to unhealthy vices, but I went straight for the treadmill, the weights or push-ups. Coming out of the locker room, which was combined with the showers, I found a couple of the other ladies staring at me. It wasn't a few stares here or there, but it was blatant staring. Feeling suddenly self-conscious and uncomfortable, I tightened my hold on my towel and found a spot around the corner in a more secluded part. You would think you'd escape the gossip and the staring once you graduated high school, but most of the time the real world as they called it felt exactly like high school but on a larger scaler. I was in the middle of buttoning my skinny jeans when it began. What is it? It would be the constant whispers and negative comments about my body.

Since I was little, people would say I was graced with the body of an athlete. Those comments might just be what pushed me to be an actual athlete. It's either that or the fact that I come from a lineage of athletes. My father used to play ball back in the day as he often said, and my mother did track and tennis. Then they had four children to continue the trend of athletes in the family. My younger sisters, Sophia and Sasha are both on the varsity volleyball team. During the summer they play soccer at the community center. Then there was me, I tried out basketball for a year, but I didn't like it, so I switched over to track, soccer, and weightlifting. My older brother Mason did football and weightlifting then during the summer he joined the swim team. Being graced with an athlete's body had its perk and its downsides. I craned my neck closer to hear what they were saying about me. I knew I shouldn't. What they had to say didn't matter but I still wanted to know anyways. It's always the fear of not knowing that gets you. \"Where's her body?\" said the brunette. She was the definition of feminine. Her voice was high pitched. Her waist was tiny. She had dainty hands that she waved around as she spoke.

\"Where's her butt?\" said another one with a cruel chuckle. \"She looks like a monster?\" said the first brunette. “And her veins stick out like a man. “What about her smell? I was gagging when she walked in,” whispered a third woman who finished dressing up in her normal clothes. \"What would a man possibly be interested in her? Her entire body could literally be mistaken for a stick.\" The lockers blocked me from seeing the woman who said that. \"I'm all for being strong and healthy but once you go too far and start having muscles, then it becomes just gross,” said a woman in the midst of powdering her face. \"Women should have curves, that's what makes us who we are.\" I hurriedly packed my duffel bag with my sweat- stained clothes and finished dressing up. I've had enough emotional abuse for one day. Abuse was one thing it seems you could never escape. You could run but it only runs with you, changing form as it goes. There was one way out and it was unfortunately past them. With my head held high

and my bag strapped across my shoulder, I walked out the door. They could talk as bad as they wanted about my body but the last thing, I would do is give them the satisfaction of showing them it hurt. I could be strong inside and out because in life you have to be. If not, they will chew you into itty bitty pieces with their words and spit those pieces back out into unrecognizable scraps. You won't even recognize who you are anymore or how to begin putting yourself together. ~~~ Don't you hate it when you prove yourself right at times? There are times where you may pray that you're wrong. Listening to what those women had to say was really messing with my emotions. The upbeat attitude I woke up with was tainted by their comments. They planted seeds of doubt in my head and now I was having trouble uprooting those seeds and planting positive thoughts in their place. Would a man really care if I had less visceral fat and more firmness? Would he care that I was still wearing a B-sized bra?

Would he care if when he hugged me, I was mostly muscle and not as soft as another woman? Would he care if when we played soccer or basketball, I ended up victorious not because he let me but because of my own strength? Would he care that I had the body of an athlete? Yum Yum's ice cream was my second place to go when I needed consolation. And right now, I definitely needed some consoling. \"Two scoops of strawberry and one scoop of vanilla with pecans then drizzled with hot fudge, right?\" asked the guy at the counter after I just literally stepped foot in the place. \"Yeah I remembered,\" he said grinning adorably. There was a dimple on the left side of his cheek that must've made girls swoon back in high school. Finding myself lost for words, I simply smiled warmly and paid for my order. Not only did he take my order, but he was the one to give it to me too. I'm pretty sure he wasn't allowed to do that but it's not like I knew the rules. \"Thank you.\" I said grabbing my ice cream and turning to head back out. Usually, I would stay to

finish my treat here but today my bed and Netflix joined forces and were calling my name \"You must work out a lot,\" he said not in an accusatory manner but as an observation. \"I do,\" I said hesitantly not knowing in what direction this conversation could go. I hoped it didn't lead me to the same road as those women from earlier. \"That's cool, I love a woman who takes care of her body and doesn't mind getting sweaty at the gym.\" I could feel my face warming up, \"We should work out sometimes. I'm sure there's a lot we could teach each other.\" He added smiling wider than before. I knew he meant every word he said because there was nothing but sincerity in his eyes. \"I'd like that.\" I said smiling just as wide as he was. I'd really like that.

20. Doing It For Me Aiyden and I, we’ve known each other since I was sixteen. His family had been living in the Flowing Meadow neighborhood for ten years when we moved in from a small town in Louisiana. Our families quickly became intertwined. Our parents became fast friends, spending their days off barbequing in the yard or mowing the lawn. My brothers and Aiyden became fast friends, spending their afternoons on the basketball courts or playing video games. His sister and I forged a bond that made us closer than sisters. I was now twenty-two and engaged to Aiyden. No one made me laugh as hard as he did. No one could wipe away my tears as soft as he could. No one could make me feel as beautiful as he could just by a simple look. Today and well like always, I had to plead with him to drive me to the mall. I was still in the process of buying my own car. It took some nagging, but he finally relented. He always does in the end. He'd do anything for me. \"I am not looking forward to spending my entire Saturday morning here,\" he mumbled.

I was looking for a new outfit to wear to my brother’s baby shower. He and his wife were having their first child. \"You won't, I’ll be in and out quick. “I was attending and planning the event. I need a dress that emitted baby shower vibes. \"That's what you said last time Ciara,\" he said chuckling. \"And we spent the entire day there.\" Like most guys, shopping was not on his list of favorite things to do. \"You act like you have better stuff to do,\" I said looking up at him. Most Saturdays, he would lounge around his apartment until it was time for him to go to work in the evening. \"What could possibly be better than spending time with my girl?\" he asked, cocking his head to the side. \"That's what I'm saying.\" I grinned happily pulling him forward into the first store. Honestly, I did think I would be in and out of the few stores I planned on visiting. But with each store I entered, I found myself taking more and more time and searching through more and more racks. The lack of variety in these places was truly frustrating. They had so many cute tops but none of them would

fit past my head. They had so many stylish jeans, but none would fit through a leg. Nothing here fit me at all! It was eleven-thirty when I visited my sixth store. By then, I was discouraged. \"You've just got to keep looking Cee,\" Aiyden said looking through some racks with me. And what did he think I've been doing for the past two hours? I thought heading to the back of the store would prove to be helpful, but it wasn't. I managed to find one thing in my size, and it was the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. \"Let's just go.\" I said angrily grabbing his hand. I had enough of this. Just because I'm bigger than most girls doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to wear nice and pretty clothes. Just because my butt is bigger, and my thighs are larger doesn't mean I don't deserve to wear clothes that make me look good and feel good. To cheer me up, Aiyden did what he always did: buy me food. We ordered our usual: a Big Mac with fries for me, a double cheeseburger with fries for him, a large McCafé strawberry shake for me, a large Dr. Pepper for him, twenty-piece nuggets and a strawberry crème pie for dessert. \"Are you happy now?\" He asked sipping his Dr. Pepper. I sheepishly

nodded as I munched on my nugget covered with barbecue sauce. Why did something so good have to be oh so bad? *•*•*•* Six months later \"I'll call you back when I'm done, okay?\" I said. \"Mhm, love you too.\" I kept shifting left and right as I sat on a chair in the doctor's office. I’ve been here for twenty minutes waiting for the doctor to come with the test results. \"How are you today Ciara?\" Dr. Jones asked me. She wasn't frowning so she must not have bad news to share. \"I'm doing good and yourself?\" I asked. \"Good.\" That was Dr. Jones for you. Her eyes were downward, reading the chart in her hands. From where I sat, I couldn’t see what it said about me. If only doctors know how it made us feel when they did that! I want to know too! It felt like she was looking into my future. \"Let's talk,\" she said taking a seat on her rolling chair. \"How have you been feeling lately? Are you still feeling accelerated heart rates

and shortness of breath?\" she asked, angling her body towards me. I nodded my head. \"Why do you think you've been feeling this way?\" she asked. Great, now this was turning into a therapeutic session. We both knew why but she wanted me to say it. \"Because of my weight,\" I muttered. \"So what? I'm a big girl.\" I said shrugging my shoulders like it didn't matter. There was nothing wrong with being a big girl. \"Ciara,” she said softly. “You already have blood pressure, sleep apnea, and now osteoarthritis. She didn’t need to look at my chart to confirm it. \"With each pound you put on, you increase your chances of having a stroke or developing heart disease? Does that mean nothing to you? “she asked. \"You are a beautiful young woman and I know there are so many things you want to experience in life, right?\" There were tears in my eyes because I saw my life flashing before my eyes. I wanted to get married. I want to have three kids and name one after my great-grandma. I want to own a house near the sea

one day. I wanted to visit at least three out of the seven Wonders of the World. And I wanted to dive at the Great Barrier Reef. But I didn’t tell her that. “Right.\" I said wiping my nose with my sleeves. \"Don't you want to stop feeling the constant pain here,\" she said pointing at my knees and my hips. \"And here,\" she said pointing at my heart than my lungs. \"I do.\" I said softly. \"Well, none of that is going to happen if you don't start working on your weight seriously. This is not healthy, you've been gaining an unhealthy amount of weight since you were eight,\" she said showing me my history chart. \"But now it's time we change that pattern and start getting to decrease it. That's the only way you're going to live a happy and healthy weight.\" Together we formed a weight loss plan that would actually work, one I would actually stick to. There was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to live to see twenty-five, thirty, forty, and sixty. I wanted to live to have two little girls with Aiyden, one named Tianna and another named Henrietta. I wanted to run a 5K marathon one day. Aiyden does every year to raise

awareness for breast cancer but I've never been able since that one time. That one time when I passed out within ten minutes of starting. I wanted to live. *•*•*•* \"I don't want you becoming a stick Cee,\" he warned. \"I love you the way you are, size and all.” \"Well this body,\" I said. \"Isn't healthy. Don't you want me to be healthy?\" \"You know I do,\" he said. \"But I just don't want you to go ruining a good thing.\" \"I won't, it'll just be a couple of pounds.\" I said nonchalantly. \"Okay.\" He said unenthusiastically. \"I'm going to need your support in this Aiyden.\" I said sighing. \"Now is when I need you the most. This is going to be hard but it's only going to be harder for me if you're against me and not with me.\" I said wiping the tears away. We were outside on my

parents’ porch, enjoying a fresh breeze after having dinner with them. \"I'm not-\" \"You don't know how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night because you can't breathe.\" I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. \"You don't know how it feels to feel like you're about to pass out after walking up two flights of stairs. You don't know the pain I feel in my knees at times, it gets so bad that I can't even walk to class.\" I was embarrassed by the pain I was causing so I kept it to myself. \"You don't know how it feels to walk through an entire mall and find one or two articles of clothing that fits you and most of the time they're ugly! You just don't know!\" Not only were they hideous but I had to pay extra for them. \"I'm with you Cee… if this is what you've got to do then do it.\" he said pulling me closer to his chest. “You always have my support.\" Too bad that wasn't true. His support lasted for the first two weeks then it transformed into something else entirely when he noticed I was serious about losing weight this time. After his two weeks of support, we entered the ignorant phase where he

acted as if he wasn’t aware that I was on a grueling journey to lose weight. A journey that made me push my limits physically but emotionally too. There were days when I wanted to quit. There were days when my body hurt more than it ever did but I kept going. But he didn't make it easier. He purposely stopped by all our favorite fast food places: McDonald's, Burger King, Five Guys, you name it. \"You sure you don't want some?\" he asked dangling the fries in my face. \"No.\" I would say over and over as I swatted his hand out of my face. \"You know I can't eat that stuff—” \"You used to before,\" \"Keyword before,\" I said frustratedly. I was tired of having this conversation with him. \"You know I'm trying to lose weight.\" \"Your loss then.\" He said shrugging. The next phase was discouragement. I begged him to let me accompany him on his daily run around the park thinking it would encourage me. He'd start slowly with a walk then move onto a brisk walk which soon transformed into a light jog.

\"You good?\" he'd ask looking behind at me. \"Mhm.\" Words couldn't come out even if I tried. The light jog would turn into a sprint then he would just start running, quickly leaving me far behind in the dust. After he'd wrap his arms around my neck and tell me \"let's go\" to which I would say, \"I haven't even finished my third lap yet.\" \"Should've been faster then, you'll finish next time.\" He'd say amusingly before pulling me towards his car. After that happened three times, I just stopped going with him altogether and formed my own running route far from his. Not once did ask me why because of course he knew why. It wasn't until the pounds really started to come off me that he started lashing out with his words. \"How do I look?\" I asked him. I spun around in this new dress I brought online to celebrate the fact that I lost thirty pounds. It took a long time, but I did it and I was proud of myself. Dr. Jones was the one to recommend I treat myself each time I reached a milestone. My breathing was getting better and the days I felt pain lessened. \"You look nice.\" He briefly looked over at me.

I slid my purse up my shoulders. \"Just nice?\" I asked deflated. It was like he took a needle and popped my bubble of joy. I crossed my arms across my chest. \"Yeah.\" he said, avoiding me and the dress I was wearing. He walked out, already headed towards his car without me. \"Well, I think I look beautiful.\" I said. My best friend Monica was my number one supporter throughout this journey. I sent her this outfit idea last night. We spent an hour on the phone talking about clothes after. As I was getting ready for our date, I kept looking at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe it was me. I loved the way my face looked slimmer. I've had those chubby cheeks for years and I was glad they were gone. I looked more like a woman and less than a child. If he wouldn't appreciate the beauty in these changes then I would and that's all that really mattered. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets. \"You were beautiful.\" he muttered under his breath. \"And what am I now?\" I asked scrunching up my eyebrows.

\"I ask myself the same thing every day. You definitely aren't the girl I fell in love with.\" He said turning back to finally look at me. His face was serious. It lacked emotion. \"You're right,\" I said catching up with him. \"I'm not the same girl. I'm a better and improved and healthy version of that person!\" I said angrily at his childish behavior. \"Why can't you see that I’m doing this for me—for us?\" I asked. \"For us?\" he asked confused. \"I never asked you to do this. If you're doing this for us than you might as well stop because I don't want it.\" I was tired of his attitude. I was tired of his lack of support. And I was tired of forcing our relationship to work seeing as how he no longer acted like he wanted to be with me. \"Whether you want it or not, it all comes down to doing this for me!” He didn’t understand and he didn’t care. “It's my life on the line, not yours. If I die tomorrow, you'll live Aiyden. You'll find another girl. You'll have kids. You'll travel the world. You'll do all the things we said we'd do together!\" My shoulders sagged down, losing the steam I had before. \"But I won't have that chance because I'll be dead.” I said, placing my hand on my chest to keep my pounding heart from jumping out.”

I'll be dead and it will be a result of my unhealthy weight.” \"I'm doing this for me,\" I said shaking my head. \"I'm doing this because I want to live to see tomorrow and the tomorrow after that and the one after that… And I thought you would want that too.\" I turned back around to head back upstairs to my apartment. The fact that he didn't run after me said all I didn't want to hear but all I needed to hear. He made his choice and I made mine.

21. What They Never Said My mother never told me she loved me. My father never told me I was beautiful. My family never accepted me. My mother never told me she was proud of me. My father never told me he'd be my hero and save me from the monsters. My mother never told me good job. My father never said I was good enough. My mother never told me she loved my black curly hair. My father never told me he cared. My mother never told me everything would be alright. My mother never told me how to become a woman.

My father never told me which boys to stay away from and which boys to open my heart to. My childhood was filled with unheard phrases of acknowledgment, affection, acceptance, appreciation, and love. High school and then college was where I heard all of which I never heard before. Jakeem was the first to say I was beautiful. Henry was the first to accept me. Jayson was the first to say he's proud of me. Tyson promised to be my hero and save me from the monsters. Michael was the first to tell me I was good enough. Mason was the first to tell me he loved me. \"Jamira, I love you because of what I see inside in and out. You are the bravest person I know. You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes of destruction and disaster.\"

\"You have been through so much, yet your heart of gold remains. You’re kind to everyone and anyone even when it doesn't seem like they deserve it.\" \"I don't how you do what you do or how you make me feel the way I do, but each day I want to become a better person for you. I want to become a person that deserves you.\" \"The chance of seeing your smile, the one that makes my heart skip a beat, motivates me to wake up every morning.\" \"I want to be able to hold you in my arms not only today but every day after. I want to remind you every day of how much you mean to me and of your worth. I want to show how much you mean to me and how grateful I am to have you in my life.\" It was hard for me to accept hearing those things from all those men, especially the last one. How could he love what my parents never did? What beauty did he see but parents never did? What worth did he see but I couldn't?

With a life full of nevers, I learned to rely on the facts and only what I could see. Because I never received those things as a child from my parents, it was hard for me to believe any of what Mason said. I just couldn't see it and if I couldn't see it, I wouldn't believe it. A beautiful diamond-encrusted ring. A ring that I could not accept. A ring belonging to a woman whose pieces were put together. A woman whose broken childhood had not left cracks in her shell for trust, hope, and life to seep out. A woman who was not me. My heart broke with the crestfallen look on his face. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. He was an amazing man. His parents raised him well and guided him to be the person he is today. He treated me like I was his queen, doting on me constantly. With him, my worries and anxieties were trivial and forgotten. With him, I could just be me: reserved, open-minded, shy, funny, curious, and whimsical.

\"I'll wait for as long as I need to,\" he said hugging me tightly to erase the pain we both felt. \"I'll give you whatever it is they didn't. I'll tell you all the truths they never told you.\" My face was buried into the soft cotton fabric of his shirt. Those salty tears of mine wet his shirt, it was his favorite. I don't know why I was crying but the tears wouldn't stop. Like a child, he held me in his arms and cooed soothing words, words unknown to me until I met him. In his protective embrace, the fast beating of my heart, a reflection of my emotions momentarily, slowed down and my eyes closed peacefully. Was it too late to hear the things you never heard before? Was it ever too late to open up your heart? Was it too late to erase the damage my childhood has done?

22. Asking For It I was asking for it they said. My skirt was too short and showed too much leg. I was asking for it they said. My blouse was too tight, it emphasized too much. I was asking for it they said. My flirtatious smile beckoned them towards me. I was asking for it they said. Wealth and superiority oozed out of me like blood from a wound. Someone needed to teach me a lesson. I was asking for it they said. My nose was stuck high in the air and I walked as if I owned their street. When I was walking down that street that night, coming home from a late band rehearsal with my

baggy yet modest school uniform still on, all I was asking for was to get home safely. But we don't always get what we ask for.

23. My Dragons I have a dragon. She's large with red scales and breathes fire that shines as bright as the sun and burns hotter than lava. I can't tell you exactly when I got her. It feels like she's been with me my whole life, you know? She was free of charge too, but for some reason, I don't feel fortunate or grateful. Care to know my dragon's name? The name of my dragon is Love. She's complicated. She's good to me at times then bad to me during other times. Sometimes she makes me forget all that's bad in the world. Then there are days when she's all that's wrong with the world. Once I tried to run from her, but no matter where I ran, she would always find me. I then learned that I couldn't run from Love without facing the consequences. I have another dragon. She's a blueish color with tints of grey. but I try to keep her caged. I do a good job at it for the most

part, but there are days when she escapes and seems to control me. Her name is Depression. Depression isn't as complicated as Love, but she can be confusing. Sometimes she makes me do the stupidest things. Once she made me think I was ugly. Once she made me shred my favorite dress into pieces because Veronica Jones has the exact one and it looked much better on her. Once she made me tell my twin sister, I hated her because she stole my face and everyone like her better. Once she made me believe I was a horrible person. Once she made me lose interest in some of my favorite activities like swimming, so I quit the team. Once she made me consider ending it all because the world would be a better place without me. That's when I realized she's been out of her cage for too long, two months and five days to be exact. With help from a friend, I secured her back in the cage. But I know one day she'll be back out and I'll have to do it all over again. It's a never-ending cycle with her. I have a third dragon. He's the only male of the bunch which may be why I decided to call him Boy. It's not creative but it fits.

According to dragon years, he is just a boy. Boy is full of tricks up his sleeves. Those tricks are comedic to him but hurtful to me. Like when he pretended to care? That hurt. Like when pretended he'd catch me if I fell? That hurt. Like when he didn't defend me in front of his friends? That hurt. Boy sometimes teams up with Love to make my life miserable. They're a horrible duo those two. My baby dragon, Innocence, I lost once. I didn't know it at the time but years later I realized I would never be getting her back. It's sad really, I think I loved her the most. The prettiest dragon by far is Society. She's gorgeous. I don't how she does it. She's the one I try to please even though I know it's in vain. She's never pleased and if she is, it's short-lived. Her standards are constantly changing. Her expectations only get higher and higher. One day she wants red meat to eat then the next she doesn't. One day she wants black then the next she wants white. One day she's with me then the next she's against me. I never know what to expect with her. I have a final dragon.

She's black with sharp scales. She's the second largest of them. She towers over the largest of buildings. She's the worst of them all which is why I try to keep her far away from me. And sometimes I think it's not even worth trying because she always finds her way back to me. I'll run and she'll find me, or she'll just drag me back to her. That's why I named her Abuse. She's not just the largest of them all but she's the most scarring. I can attribute every one of my scars with something that's she's done. It was her mouth once that did the damage. The scars aren't physical but they're mental and emotional. She made me doubt my worth. She made doubt about my existence. She made me lose my confidence. It was her tail once that did the physical damage. The force of that thing knocked me out several times. I have scars on my legs and bruises on my torso to prove it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me. Look inside me and you'll see that I'm missing pieces, those pieces used to be what made me who I am. But they've been ruined, ripped out, or scarred by Abuse.

The nice thing about my dragons is that I know I have the ability to conquer them. It's not impossible. And although I cower and run now, I know one day I'll be able to conquer them.  When I finished reading my piece to my English class, they all stared at me. Some looked at me with confusion. Some looked at me like I was crazy. But there were a few that looked at me a special way, an indescribable way. It was a look without judgment, a look that contained understanding. Just by the look of their faces, I knew they had dragons too.  ___________________________ Q: What are your dragons? Q: What does the size of the dragon represent? Q: What does it mean to conquer your dragon? Quick A/N: Someone shared a quote with me and it gave me the idea to write this. \"Fairytales are

powerful not because they tell us dragons are real but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.\" (Don't know who said it) We all have our dragons. Some we have and know how to conquer but others we have not conquered and struggle with. This piece was not a mere story of fictional dragons that torment the lives of the character. Nope. Instead, it's a story of the fears, the problems, and the issues (which are our dragons) that seem to tower over. That seem to be more than we can handle. That seems more than we can deal with. The problems that evoke fear and terror. Although I didn't focus on conquering the dragons but rather their existence, some of them can be conquered. Others you have to cage and once in a while or frequently they get out and you're forced to cage hem back in. And then there's some you can't conquer or cage because you've lost them.

24. No One Believes Me No one believes you're tired when all you do is go to school. No one believes you're tired when all you do is sit for seven hours and listen to lecture after lecture. No one believes you're tired when you have to wake up before dawn to catch the bus to arrive at school on time. No one believes you're tired when you're faced constantly with depression, anxiety, and low self- esteem because of how pretty you think the other girls look and how not so pretty you look.  No one believes you're tired when you stay up until late at night when crickets are out chirping to finish your assignments. No one believes how tired you're when you spend the majority of your time studying. Studying, a word which has adopted the meaning of memorization. Believe it or not, I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm aching.

Dread is what I feel each and every morning when that alarm rings. I feel like a criminal stepping foot into a prison. Rules dictate my every step. A loud bell tells me when I can go and when I cannot. Fences and walls are found at every corner. Classrooms are arranged like a factory craving efficiency rather than an institution emphasizing growth, creativity, expression, and education.  Assignment after assignment overloads my brain. Test after test pressures me to memorize accurately every information contained in every textbook. The goal at the end of the day is to go to college, preferably one with a winning football team or considered to be Ivy League. The goal is not for everyone but that's what's plastered on the posters and the walls. It's what's pounded into our heads for the most part. But there are those who cannot even read at the grade level. They cannot write a simple sentence that could be understood. They are tired of being told that they can't and won't ever amount to anything.

There are those who aren't good at testing, but it's forced upon them anyway. They sit and stare at words they may not understand. They sit and stare at problems they don't know how to begin to solve. And it's those scores that dictate the future class they will take and how their teachers and their classmates view them. There are those who stress about getting into a good college, if not they’ll never amount to anything. They'll never be someone of value. They'll never be successful. I'm tired of carrying the load on my back. My body aches with every move I make. Books and books, papers and pencils, folders and tools fill my backpack. \"I'm sure you don't need all those things in there.\" Some may say. Then surely you don't want me to pass. Teachers claim it's nothing, adding one more textbook to bring every day is nothing. \"I've been through cancer. I've been through times of wars. I've been through hardship. You have it easy.\" I may not go to work. I may not save lives.

I may not live during wars. I may not be fighting cancer.  But I've been fighting each and every day against that tiredness I feel physically and mentally. I'm tired, truly tired whether you believe me or not.

25. A Thousand Miles Away \"Tôi phát điên vì bạn,\" he said in his native language. \"Do you remember what that means?\" he asked me through the computer screen. \"It means you're crazy about me.\" I mumbled fiddling with a scrap of paper on my desk. Did I pay the bills this month? \"And what does anh yêu em mean?\" \"That you love me.\" \"Look at me Danielle,\" he said softly through the screen. It was times like this when he would hold my hands or wrapping an arm around my shoulders to ease my worries. \"What do those things mean?\" \"It means that you care about me.\" I said resting my chin on the palm of my head. \"And?\" \"You're going to be faithful—” \"And—\"

\"And use every ounce of strength you have to make this work.\" I recited like an old poem memorized from early childhood. We've been over this many times before but it was still having trouble sticking. \"Do you believe it?\" he asked. I nodded my head and from there on we could continue with our normal conversation. He seemed to love it over there. Without me. It was understandable because it was his home. Many of his relatives were there along with the close friends he had to leave when he came here. He yawned and rubbed his eyes as I explained to him about Sara, my new roommate. That girl was crazy and each day she found new ways to get on my nerves. My last roommate moved out because she found a job in Ohio. What’s there in Ohio? \"I better let you go,\" I said smiling weakly. \"You're clearly sleepy.\" \"Yea I am,\" he said yawning again. \"I'm sorry Dani—” I looked at the time on my screen, it was only eight in the morning on a Friday for me but ten on a Saturday night for him. \"It's fine,\" I said brushing it off. He was there on a mission. When his grandma fell ill, he was in the best position out of all his family

members to take care of her. It because of her sacrifices that they were able to come to America years ago. While he was there, he was taking advantage of cheaper educational opportunities. \"I know you're busy with taking care of your grandma, your classes and your new internship and everything —\" \"But I'm never too busy for you, you know that.\" Did I really? \"Goodnight Toan,\" I said waving goodbye. \"Goodnight Dani and remember, I'm crazy about you,\" he said slowly emphasizing the phrase. \"Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. You're always with me, maybe not physically but in here,\" he said pointing at his big head, which I loved, and his heart. It was always after our Skype sessions that I felt the most emotionally drained. It's only been six months since we parted ways, but it felt like years. How were we going to last— I didn’t even know how long he was going to be gone and neither did he.

It wasn't like I could ask him to stay, he had noble reasons for going. He was taking care of his sick grandma, rekindling with the family he had to leave years ago, and building a future. In America, his choice of work was limited. As soon as he went back, his life flipped around. Now, he was attending one of the best colleges in Vietnam, ADS Vietnam Design Institute, on a full-ride scholarship. His dream was computer creative design and that was the best place for him to learn just that. While he was all the way over there, I was on the west coast in Los Angeles California— waiting for him to come back. Instead of going out with friends as I planned, I moped around the apartment cleaning up. Then when there was nothing to scrub, straighten, or wash, I settled into bed and cried. I cried because he wasn't here. Since he wasn't here, there was no one to hold my hand when I was scared. Since he wasn't here, there was no one to go on dates with or explore the town with every weekend. Since he wasn't here, there was a feeling of loss within me, one that I couldn't shake off. Since he wasn't here, my heart no longer felt whole. The sour mood stuck with me for the rest of the weekend and it continued for the upcoming week. My feelings and doubt only intensified as he missed not one but two Skype sessions. He texted me on WhatsApp

saying he loved me and was thinking about me but was too swamped with responsibilities. I would just type 'okay'. What else was there for me to say?  When he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me. ~~~ I was searching through the mailbox after my shift. It was filled with uninteresting things and bills. I threw Sara's mail on her bed and threw mine on the counter in my room. It stayed there, untouched, for days. When I finally did sort through my mail, I opened a letter and found a plane ticket to go to Hô Chí Minh, Vietnam on March 21. That's where he was. Suddenly I had felt surging happiness, I logged onto Skype and called him. It was a long shot, but I would try. \"I'm guessing you got it,\" he said smiling. \"I was expecting you to get it days ago,\" \"I got it days ago!” I was beating myself up for not opening it sooner.” I just didn't open it till now.\" I said. \"I can't believe you—\"