The Collection:The Struggles of Young Women_PDF Version

\"Believe it,\" he said happily. \"I know this has been hard on you. Trust me, it's been hard on me too. Not having you around or seeing you whenever I want or talking to you whenever I want.\" He sighed. \"This has been hard.\" We knew it was going to be hard, but it proved harder than we thought. \"Tell me about it, where did you even get the money to afford this?\" His grandma was his main focus right now. However, he was stilling going to need money to survive and making a living once he got back home. \"A professor has really liked me and the work I've been doing. He used his connections and helped me find a nice paying job.\" he said smiling. \"I've been saving the money for weeks and after our last conversation, I realized that we both need this.\" \"God, I can't wait.\" I said tearing up. Going from seeing him every day to not seeing him at all was hard. It was a transition I was struggling to adjust to. Each time I saw something cool, I just wanted to point it out to him. Each time there was a concert, a new movie, or some cool thing to do, he was the person I wanted to bring along.

\"I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to show you around to my friends and family.\" he said giddily. \"It's going to be great!\" \"I just can't wait to see you again!\" \"And you will,\" he smiled. \"In one more month, a thousand miles will be reduced to none.\"

26. The Things She Taught Me My therapist suggested I write in a journal every day to help express the thoughts and feelings I struggled to convey vocally. Sometimes the words just flowed deep within me and appeared on the paper. Other times, I didn't know what to write so I'd look on Pinterest for writing prompts that would draw those feelings out from where they hid. Within seconds of searching, I found one that interested me and started writing. I dated the page and scribbled the question up top. Question: What has your mother taught you and how has that influenced who you are today? First thing first, you are a lady so act like one. What does it mean to be a lady exactly? In the Haitian culture, it means knowing if you put your fork on the left side of a plate or on the right side of a plate. It means accepting the fact that it's your role to clean, do the dishes, sweep, do laundry, and do anything that you possibly can to keep the house spotless, inside and out.

My mom taught me to be realistic. Sure, I can fall in love with a guy and he'll eventually tell me he loves me too. But let's be real, not ever man is faithful. Some are only after one thing and once they get it, they’re gone. That thing varies, it can be money or materialistic items. To avoid being scammed out of the love you deserve, filter the men who enter your life. Keep your standards as high as your head. My mother taught me to value the free education I was getting. That was my ticket out of poverty. We weren't exactly poor, but we weren't exactly rich either. If I wanted to succeed in life, education was key. That means focusing on school. That means getting good grades and excelling. That means no distractions. My mother taught me the importance of respect. That was a hard lesson to learned, it was accompanied by \"baton\" (beating) and kalòt (slaps) and various forms of discipline until the concept was drilled into my head. My mother taught me to think for myself. Friends and family can advise me and counsel me but at the end of the day, it's my choice. It's my life. If I truly wanted to live my life, I couldn't allow people to think and choose for me.

My mom taught me to save money rather than spend money. It's easy to spend but it's hard to save. Saving a penny here and a dime here goes a long way. My mom taught me that the world is a tough place. She's didn't fill me with lies. She didn't promise it was going to be a sweet ride, one I could cruise by with my legs propped up on the dashboard. My mom taught me that since the world is a tough place, you have to be strong. Not physically strong necessarily, but mentally and emotionally strong. If not, the world will you chew you up and spit you into unrecognizable pieces. You'll forget who you are. You'll forget where you came from. You'll forget where you're going. \"Karima!\" yelled my mother from way downstairs. \"Didn't I teach you not to leave your stuff lying around?\" \"Yes mom!\" I yelled getting up to pick up my shoes from the walkway near the front door.  You've taught me a lot.

27. Give Her A Reason Give her a reason to smile rather than frown. Give her a reason to wake up in the morning with a smile rather than stay in bed crying her heart out. Give her a reason to lay her head on a pillow and sleep soundly rather than twist and turn all night. Give her a reason to dream of fluffy clouds white clouds rather than stormy grey nights. Give her a reason to throw her head back in laughter instead of double over in pain. Give her a reason to look in the mirror and see nothing but beauty. Give her a reason to lift her head up high rather than keep her chin low angled towards the ground. Give her a reason to dream big dreams rather than stay confined in Now and Today. Give her a reason to believe in love rather than see it as a legend or a myth.

Give her a reason to see the world in bright yellow and hues of pink instead of blacks, grays and forceful reds. Give her heart a reason to beat steadily with rhythm rather than miss frequent beats. Give her a reason to be happy. Give her a reason to hope. Give her a reason to live.

28. In Search Of Greener Grass Why can we be so stupid when it comes to love? We pray and hope for a man to love us and treat us right. We spend our entire childhood wishing for own prince. And what do we do when we get a prince custom made just for us? We push him away. We scare him away. We tire him out until he gives up. We lose the one thing we've been asking for all our lives. Nostalgically, I thought back to the peak of my stupidity as I sipped the red wine. It was a crisp November evening, three years ago to be exact. Like every Friday I was meeting up with my girls at our favorite Italian restaurant. Besides the delicious food, it was conveniently located downtown practically a walking distance from where we worked. Yasmine worked at an animal adoption center downtown. Brielle and I worked at the courthouse. \"You're late,\" Bri said looking up from her menu.

\"Sorry,\" I said grabbing a seat. Feeling stuffy, I removed my scarf that was wrapped around my neck. \"Where's Yas?\" I asked, rubbing my neck gently to ease the soreness. \"She isn't coming,\" \"Benny again?\" I asked. \"Mhm,\" she said grimly. \"I don't think he has long to live.\" I shoved strands of my hair under the bonnet. “This is going to kill her.\" I said sighing. Yasmine has been fighting to add years to Benny's life for months, but he just kept getting worse. She was determined to save him. She was ignoring the fact that you can't save everything. I would know, my relationship was a prime example. Under her eyes were her faithful bags. \"He doesn't.\" She said. \"But let's talk about something else, “this negativity is bringing me down.\" She shifted in her seat to get comfortable. \"What are you going to order?\" \"The Chicken Alfredo. What else?\" Brielle always teased me for sticking with the same thing instead of

trying new things. Maybe she would be proud of me finally finding the will power to do just that. \"How are you and Jonah doing?\" \"Ugh,\" she groaned. \"Being married is so hard. They never show you the messy parts in the movies and trust me there are a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but we still have so much more to learn about each other. I guess you never really know someone. You may think you do but once you start living with them you see a whole different side of them,\" \"How are things with Reuben?\" she asked biting into the cheesy breadstick. They were our go-to appetizers. I silently played with my food feeling like an ashamed child. \"Uh, I'm breaking up with him.\" I admitted. \"Why? You too are practically made for each other.\" Was there such a thing? \"I guess I want to try something new.\" I said with a certain someone in mind. \"Is this about what Yas said the other day—\"

\"No, well okay maybe a little bit I'm doing it because it's what I want.\" \"Sasha don't be stupid, okay?\" she said firmly. \"I'm not telling you what to do with your life or how to do things but just don't do anything stupid and don't get yourself hurt.\" And there go her big sister tendencies although she was the youngest in the group. The entire mood shifted from light and carefree to dark and dreary. Before leaving she told me, \"wherever happens you know I'm here for you.\" Brielle was never one to flat out tell you her entire opinion on a subject, but you could tell her by actions what she thought. I took an uber to his house knowing he'd be home. He didn't work on Fridays. I knocked once. I knocked twice. And by the third knoc, I was ready to give up and go back home. But he came out tiredly rubbing his eyes,

\"Hey, I didn't know you were stopping\" he said drowsily smiling. He opened the door to let me in. \"How was work?\" he asked. \"Good and your day?\" I asked. \"Good.\" he said. \"I didn't have anything planned for us today but if you want to—\" “Reuben, we need to talk.\" \"About?\" he asked hesitantly. \"Us.\" \"Okay.\" he said taking a seat next to me. \"What is there to talk about? Did I do something wrong?\" he asked. How was I supposed to tell him without breaking his heart? All he's ever done is love me, protect me, and praise me from the moment we met. I was crying from a bad breakup when he approached me. The hurt was still fresh and the last thing I wanted to see standing before me was a man. But he gently coaxed the words out of me, relieving the pent up hurt and anger festering inside. Within moments, the world

wasn't so bad. A small smile was all it took to start a fire within us. He tried to gather my hands to link them with mine, but I resisted. \"This isn't working for me anymore.\" \"What exactly is this?\" he asked disgustedly. \"This relationship you mean?\" he asked. \"I thought you'd consider it to have much more meaning than to call it a this—\" \"We need to break up! I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending I'm happy because I'm not.\" \"I need someone who will love me and protect me and make me happy.” \"And I don't?\" he asked taken aback. \"You used but now, th-things are boring between us. Things have changed and I want out now.\" \"You mean I've changed.\" He said frostily. Since we started dating, Reuben gained some weight and by some, I mean at least one hundred. The strong muscular body that used to lift me in the air was now replaced with fat. The fat seemed to squish me each time we hugged.

\"Reuben—\" \"It's true, don't even lie Sasha. Ever since the doctor said I weighted 239 pounds you've been acting differently. You flinch each time I reach out to touch you, that is when you even let me touch you.\" He shook his head. “We rarely hold hands or hug. You barely answer me when I call you or text you and when you do your full of short answers...” He was looking down at the navy carpet against the tiled floor. \"I don't understand what I did to deserve this, all I've done is love you with everything I have emotionally and physically and yet I'm not enough.\" \"Reuben, I-I don't know what to say except this relationship is over. I'm not happy and I deserve to be. You deserve to be with someone who loves you—\" \"And I'm guessing that's not you anymore?\" he asked bitterly. \"The love isn't the same, it's not something that should be forced. It should be automatic but lately, I've been fighting to love you and who you've become.\" He clenched his hands together in anger, \"Except for my weight, I'm still the man you fell in love with. I'm

still the man who had taken care of you. I'm still the man who has invested every ounce of himself in terms of energy, finance, and everything else in this relationship!” He was right. He gave with no reserve. \"I'm not that one that changed Sasha, you are! I thought you were so much better than this,” His head continued to shake with disbelief and anger. “The guys tease me all the time about the weight and say you'll leave me. But I always defended you and said you weren't that type of girl to be shallow. You are the type of girl to see beyond the outside and value what's on the inside…\"But I guess I was wrong; it was only a matter of time.\" \"I'm not shallow! This isn't about being shallow! I just want to be with someone who makes me happy. I'm sorry, truly sorry, that you aren't that person anymore. But I can't change that.\" I said grabbing my bag to leave. \"Call me shallow all you want behind my back but know this: looks matter in a relationship despite what people tell you! Attraction is what starts the ship sailing. Love is what keeps it sailing. Our boat has stopped Reuben and it's sinking. I'm saving myself but if you want to hold on and sink with it then that's your choice, not mine.\" I said walking out of his house for good.

And that was the last time I saw him. Until today. Now he's married and he’s expecting with his wife. How do I know? I know because I was shopping at Macey's in the baby section trying to find a gift to bring to Bri's baby shower when I saw them. He lost a tremendous amount of weight. He looked just as handsome as the day we first met. He was looking at her like she was his entire world. He used to look at me like that. They were picking out clothes in the girl's section and she kept lifting up different outfits to show him. They didn't spot me from across the room in the boy's section. She squealed with joy when she found something she liked. She got him to smile and double over in laughter with something she said. Now he's living the dream we both created together years ago but with someone else. And it's all because of me! I gave him up and along with everything I've ever wanted and dreamed of because I went in searching for greener grass when my grass was my green enough! The old adage is right, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. 

29. The Text That Never Came Bae  Hey, I'll text you tonight when I get home alright. Love you ������   Received: 4:05 pm It was now 5 o'clock. Waiting could be torturous especially when you were waiting for a special text from that special someone. Lately, it's like I've been Drew's last- minute priority. Lately, I've been putting all the effort into our relationship, but relationships are supposed to hard work, right? To help the time go by faster, I cleaned my room. Scary right? It hasn't been cleaned in days, probably fourteen days to be specific. Cleaning took my mind off those negative thoughts. I straightened the clothes in my closet and discovered clothes I've never seen before in my life. I picked up a few scraps of paper that decorated the floor and wiped down my dresser and desk. My room looked as good as new. It was now 6 o'clock

My phone didn't vibrate or buzz within the last hour meaning I didn't get a text. I wondered what he was doing and who he was with... He hasn't taken me out anywhere for the past month. Anytime I suggested we go somewhere; he'd agree claiming it was a good idea. But he never followed through. Nowadays I only did things with my older sister Hannah or my best friend Kourtney.  It was now 7 o'clock You can only watch so much tv at one time before you get tired of it. After an hour of browsing channels, I was tired and bored and lonely. All I wanted was that one text to finally come through, was that too much to ask? All I wanted was for him to realize how important those texts were to me. It wasn't only their contents that mattered but just the text itself. It showed I crossed his mind and was thinking about me. I don't think I've been crossing his mind lately. It was now 8 o'clock \"Hey Sofiya, what's up?\" My best friend asked me cheerfully. She was always in a good mood. \"Nothing, I'm just bored out of my mind.\" I groaned.

\"Then why don't you go do something with your boyfriend,\" she laughed. \"That's what they're for you know.\" She and Jared have been together for a year, a shorter amount of time than I've been with Drew. It's like they were perfect together while we kept jumping over hurdles and obstacles that kept getting in our way of being happy. \"I wish…he's been so busy lately. I don't even know what to do. It's like he doesn't even have time for me anymore.\" \"You've got to understand, he has a lot of pressure on him right now. He's just busy investing a lot into his future so that when the times comes the future will be bright for you both.\" I hated how it sounded like she knew him more than I did. \"I know that Kourt, but what about now and today? I need him now. I need him today. There isn't going to be a future with me and him in it if we can't handle the now and today.\" \"Don't tell me you're seriously considering breaking up with him?\" she asked. \"He's like the best thing to happen to you—\" \"I'm not,\" I said dismissing the question.

\"Good because if you were, I was going to have to drive over there and beat some sense into you.\" I laughed weakly changing the conversation from my relationship to hers. I thought calling her would make me feel better. I felt worse. \"Don't let one text or the lack of a text ruin a good thing Sofiya.\" It was now 9 o'clock I scrolled through the pictures on my phone starting from the beginning and working my way to the end. Drew and I met first met working as lifeguards. The county had to openings, we both applied and successfully passed the grueling tests and interviews. We spent every day talking and by the end of the year, we were together. There were many pictures of us in the water, playing volleyball, or just playing around. Once we were moved to different beaches, I was scared our relationship would be strained but it wasn't. If anything, we only got closer and fell more in love with each other, at least I did. The most memorable picture was one of us standing on the Great Wall of China. That was some trip, one

that allowed me to bond with his sisters who I thought for sure hated me. His parents paid for me to go along with them on their annual trip during the summer. Being the history nerd, I am, I soaked in everything the travel guard said and looked at everything through the eyes of a historian. It was now 10 o'clock He might've forgotten all about me. Is there really any point in hoping? It was now 11 o'clock With my phone still in my left hand, I fell fast asleep on the couch. That was not the smartest decision. When I woke up at ten in the morning, I woke up to find a text from him. It was late but it was a text, nonetheless. Bae  Hey babe, I'm sorry I forgot to text you last night. I just got caught with so much stuff. You know how it goes. I'll text you later this morning after I get in a workout. Love you ������   Received: 10: 00 am

My heart filled with disappointment because just like that I was left waiting once again for a text that never came. 

30. Give Me A Good Guy \"How do you want him?” asked the cashier with the utmost boredom. I read her name tag, Renae Greene. She was probably used to this by now, tired of going through the same motions. I wondered how many people she saw come in and out of here per day. \"Name?\" she asked. I did my research before coming here. \"Cristiano Lopez,\" \"I want him to have brown eyes,\" \"Mhm,\" \"I want him to have straight white teeth and dimples on each side of his cheeks.\" \"Mhm,\" \"I want him to have brown curly hair,” I said, “but not too curly.\" \"Okay.\" She said typing away on her computer, avoiding all eye contact unless necessary.

I looked down at my notes to jog my memory. \"He has to be tan, but not too tan.\" \"And his height,\" \"About 5'7.\" \"And give me four qualities-\" \"I thought it was five,\" \"That's only with the deluxe package, would you like to upgrade?\" she asked, uninterested with either of my options. \"No thanks,\" I said pouting. I was already paying a fortune for this as it was. \"I want him funny, caring, intelligent, “I waited for her to finish typing before continuing. This part was the most important. \"And lastly I want him to be a good guy.\" \"Are you sure that's what you want?\" The lady asked her surprisingly. Renae worked here for years. Most women struggled to figure out what they wanted in a man yet here comes this woman, 22 perhaps, waltzing in here and knowing what she wants. Never

has she heard someone choose good as one of their four of five qualities. Many women wanted someone attractive, kind, honest, humble, but never have they uttered the words good. \"Yes,\" I said handing her my credit card to pay for my purchase. I cringed realizing years’ worth of work was being spent on this one purchase. But he was worth it. All my friends had one and they never parted ways with theirs. It was my best friend Addie who persuaded me into getting one. Just by the looks of it, you could tell enjoyed having a husband who was custom made for her. \"You can have a seat,\" the lady said pointing behind me. \"He'll be out shortly.\" As I waited, I looked around the room reading the posters that surrounded me. \"Make your dream man like you make your pizza, with all your favorite qualities!\" Within minutes, my dream guy was ready, and I walked out the door with his arm lazily thrown around my neck. The sweet smell of his cologne was intoxicating. We were going to have so much fun together. The last bell rang causing me to jolt up out

of my seat. The film was so boring it put me to sleep only seconds after taking my assigned seat in the back. I wiped the drool away from both sides of my mouth. It was evidence of a peaceful nap and a pleasant dream. With a wishful smile, I headed to my last class for the entire year. If only you could choose the kind of guy you wanted... I would choose a good guy.

31. Dressed to Impress I was going to get the job! That was only thought that ran continuously in my mind. I arrived at my interview thirty minutes early. I felt proud rather than ashamed at being the only African American woman in the room of interviewees. Interviews started promptly at 9:30 in the morning and would finish around five in the afternoon. Each one lasted only fifteen to thirty minutes; it all depends. The longer they kept you in there, the better. My interview was at ten-thirty. They said they would get back to us within a week of our interview. They were only looking for one candidate. I was going to be that one. Before my interview, I reviewed the questions they could potentially ask me and reviewed my resume. When they called my name, I gathered my belongings and headed into the meeting room. Across from where I sat were four people, two men and two women. I walked in with confidence and thirty minutes later I left with confidence. I believed I nailed it, answering each of their questions with the perfect amount of finesse, confidence, and humility. What can you do for us that other candidates can't? How do you plan

to improve yourself in the next year? If selected for this position, what is your strategy for making a significant contribution to the team? How do you deal with lifechanging events in your life, both negative and positive? Like an entrepreneur selling a product, I did my best to sell myself to these people and make them believe I was the person for the job. It was torturous waiting to get the call to see if weeks of mental and physical preparation paid off. My friends and family cheered me up and kept me going. \"You're going to get the job September”. It was a motto they repeated every hour like clockwork. Three days later I received the call from I've been waiting for. They called me around noon instead of after three as I put on my application. I was too busy to take the call but hoped they left a voicemail filled with good news. Not wanting the excitement to mess with my work performance, I waited until I was walking into my apartment to play the voicemail. \"Good evening Ms. Waters, this is Marissa calling from Reagan's Law firm. We're sorry to inform you that you have not been chosen for this position. Despite what your qualifications, you just aren't what we're looking for. We wish you the best in your

future endeavors.\" By the tone of her voice, she didn't seem too sorry at all. I was a fool for trying. An idiot for believing. Reagan's law firm was a predominantly white company, but I truly thought I had what it takes to get in. I was experienced. I was skilled. And I had everything they said they wanted. Enthusiasm. A g- getter attitude. Flexibility. Passion. Strong work ethic. The only thing that stood in my way from getting that position was one thing and one thing only.

32. The Way You Make Me Feel Ten, twenty, or thirty years from now, I may not remember your face, your laugh, your name or anything about you. But I'll always remember how you made me feel. I'll remember if you made me laugh to the point where I was ready to pee my pants. I'll remember if you made me cry each and every night to the point where I was hyperventilating and begging for it all to stop. I'll remember if you made me feel beautiful with your compliments and kind actions. I'll remember if you made feel ugly with your insults and your malicious actions. I'll remember if when you looked at me your face was full of admiration making me feel as if I was someone of value. 

I'll remember if when you looked at me your face was full of disgust making me uncomfortable in my own skin. I'll remember if you always made time for me whether I was happy, sad, or just needed someone to talk to. I'll remember the late-night conversations on the phone with the smiles and the laughs. I'll remember if you were always too busy to lend a helping hand. I'll remember the unanswered calls and the message left unread making me feel lonely and unwanted. I'll always remember the way you made me feel. 

33. Odd One Out \"Vanessa, Cassidy, Clayton!\" yelled my mom downstairs. Like animals scurrying for food, we headed to the kitchen. She angrily stood in the corner with her hands on her hips. \"Look at all these dirty dishes!\" \"It wasn't me!\" said Clay putting his hands up. \"It was my turn yesterday!\" yelled Cass. They all turned to me. It totally slipped my mind. The most important house rule was that everyone had a specific chore to do every day. You had until mom got home from work which was around 5:30 to do what you needed to do to get the job done. If not, you were in for a disaster. \"Mo-\" I began but was promptly cut off. \"Give me the phone.\" She said sternly. \"But mom—” \"No buts, give it to me.\" \"It's in my room,\" I mumbled walking up there to get it to give to her.

\"I ask you to do one thing and that's too much to ask? What are you guys going to do when I'm gone?\" she asked no one particular. Times like this reminded me that I was adopted. I was the odd one out. Begrudgingly, I began washing the dishes. If only she would've listened! Soccer practice was rough today. I must've been hit with the ball thirteen times on my arms, legs, and back. I was stained with dirt and grass all over. Then it took Clayton over thirty minutes to finish with his practice so we could finally leave. By the time we got home, I was whipped and overcome with exhaustion. “If it was Clay, he wouldn't have his phone taken away.\" I mumbled under my breath. \"What did you say young lady?\" She asked. \"Nothing.\" Raine Basils and George Basils adopted me when I was three years old from an orphanage. I can't tell you why they adopted me when they already had two other three years old kids at home, Clay and Cass. But they did. From there and onwards, I was raised as one of the Basils. Growing up, I often felt out of place through no fault of their own. They welcomed me into the family as one of their little

ones. Then dad left the family two years ago and it's like things haven't been the same ever since. Everything I did was now wrong. Just breathing was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if he was the one who wanted me in the first place. He used to always say there was something about me that drew him to me. Now he's gone and I feel unwanted. The sink was filled with Clay's and Cass's dirty plates, it's like they purposely did this to spite me. Shaking my head, I scrubbed the dish angrily. “If you break those plates,\" she warned with a wagging finger. Once you know you're adopted, believe it or not, you sometimes tend to see the world differently. For some, your family becomes them instead of my family. You start to look inside from where you stand alone on the outside.

34. Over & Over Again \"It won't happen again, I promise,\" Marcus and I have been married a little over three years and he's cheated on me twice already. Now it was three times. I felt numb. I wonder if he ever thought about my feelings when he was playing kissy-face with another girl. I wonder if he ever thought of my feelings when telling another girl, \"I love you,\" or \"I can't stop thinking about you\". I wonder if he thought about how I was lying in bed with my phone in hand waiting for him to come or home or text me good morning. I wonder if he thought about how unworthy his cheating makes me feel. I wasn't good enough for him which is why he had to find what he was looking for in someone else. I wouldn't be subjected to what my mother went through. She spent twenty years with a man who claimed to love her, yet his actions proved otherwise. During those twenty years of marriage, I don't know how many times he cheated but she always came back to him. Without knowing it, I was finding myself in the same cycle. \"Say something baby,\"

\"You must really hate me,\" I laughed dryly staring him down. \"You know that's not true; I love you Mae.\" \"Really?\" I asked right as the tears began to flow easily. \"Because it doesn't feel like it, I'm always making excuses for you!\" I cried aloud at the injustice of it all. I loved him and wanted him to be my partner until death parted us, hence why I said the vows before our friends and family. \"Maybe he's busy or maybe his car broke down. Maybe he stopped at his mom’s house or maybes he's out with the guys.\" I said bitterly. \"I keep lying to myself, fooling myself into believing something that isn't even a dream but more like a nightmare because I'm always getting hurt!\" Those excuses were more for my benefit than his. If I lied to myself, thinking he was innocently out and about, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of his betrayal although it lurked in the back of my mind. \"If you really loved, you wouldn't be piercing my heart over and over Marcus.\" I rubbed my forehead, pressing my fingers to apply pressure. \"You know how I feel, yet you don’t even care. You toy with my heart like a dog playing with a chew toy,\"

His \"She doesn't mean anything to me Mae,\" “Evidently, neither do I.\" I said grabbing my bag to leave; my mom had a guest room that was calling my name. This time I was leaving for good thus breaking the cycle. 

35. The Box Labeled Clingy Micah was mad at me again. Like any other argument, he threw around the words \"too needy\", and \"too clingy\" like money in the hands of a frenzied gambling man. Was it bad that I was needy? I just don't understand, when a woman is too independent then her boyfriend or husband will get mad because he'll feel as if she doesn't need him! Yet, if she lets her walls down, starts depending on him and need him, she's suddenly needy and clingy. Which was it? What did he want from me? My mother always taught me there was no shame in wanting a man to love me, to protect me and to spend my life with. But she told me I never needed a man; he was a want not a need and I could do just as good without one. But after eight months of being together, I found myself needing to see his smiling face day after day. I found myself needing to hear his voice after a horrible day at work. I found myself need to hear his words of encouragement when I was feeling down. And sometimes I just needed to know he was here for me! Feeling overwhelmed with these emotions, I decided to write down how I felt in my journal. It's the only way knew how to express myself.

I'm sorry for being clingy, it's just because I care. I'm sorry for the frequent texts throughout the day, I just wanted to make sure you're alive and okay and to let you know you were on my mind. I'm sorry for reminding you over and over that I love you and I'm here for you, it's just because I don't want you looking out there for something that you already have right here. I'm sorry for stopping by your house randomly and uninvited sometimes, I was trying to add an element of surprise to our relationship. I've always heard that's the secret to a long last relationship. But you might not be interested in marrying me, right? I'm placed in a dingy brown box labeled with the words too clingy and too needy in bold black letters. Women in this box don't make it past the dating stage and into marriage. The crane of marriage selection tempts us sometimes, pretending to get ahold of us, pretending to offer freedom. Instead, we slip out of its grasps over and over and another is chosen. Clearly, we just aren't what you want. I'm not what you want. I'm sorry for being needy as you called it, I thought it was okay to depend on you.

I thought it was okay to need you in my life because that's what love does. It makes you needy. I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry.

36. Regrets I was standing in front of his doorway just as I had only two years before. It's amazing how things change so easily and so quickly in only two years. We had a good thing going, you and me. You were the love of my life and I could only hope I was yours. But I was stupid, young and just plain foolish to let you go. I thought I was doing the right thing! You've always had so much going for you: friends, family, wealth, and a bright future. And what did I have? Nothing but poverty, a broken family, and a broken home that not even Extreme Home Makeover could fix. I said so many things that night and none of them were true! I regret every lie that left my mouth. There's a reason you're not supposed to lie! It only leaves you heartbroken and hurt in the end. I said you were never good to me. You were always  good to me, treating constantly with the simple things in life. I'll never forget the two- hour drive to a drive-in theater, the last one for miles. I said you were just experimenting, trying to see what it was like to date a Black girl. You couldn't have cared less about my color. I could have been white, purple, red or green and it wouldn't have mattered. You saw me beyond that.

You saw Me. The Me I hide from everyone else out of fear of being judged. The Me that dreamed big. The Me that wasn't afraid to express herself and her thoughts. The Me that snorted when she laughed and wasn't afraid to dig into the meals she loved. The Me who passionately wrote tales straight for the imagination factory called her mind. I said I lost the promise ring you gave me. I would never lose such a prized possession. I remember the day you gave it to me as well as I remember graduation. It's still under my bed at home in a converse shoe box along with the other trinkets that remind me of you... of us. Like the photo of us at Busch Gardens, it's in there. And the live-action Lion King tickets, it's in there. The comic book you bought to purposely talk to me at the bookstore, it's in there. The state fair tickets, it's in there. The sketch you drew for me while I was on my family’s annual cruise, it's in there. All the memories are in there and I just can't seem to let them go. Letting them go would mean letting you go... for good. The greatest lie was saying I never loved you because it was infatuation all along. And that's the one I regret the most and always will.

37. Listen For once, just listen. Listen to all the things I don't say. Listen to the sigh that comes out of my mouth as I walk out the door. Listen to the crack of my shoulders, the stiffness of my arms when I finally take that heavy load off my back. Listen to my crumbling hope as each day goes by. Listen to my tongue lick my lips as I nervously wait for your text, the one that should've arrived hours ago. Listen to the twirling of the wedding band as I wonder if this was a mistake. Listen to my frequent and frantic chewing as I wait for you to come home, not knowing if it'll be a shoe, a palm, or a punch coming my way.

Listen to my strands of hair fall to one my one, decorating the white bathroom floor, because of stress. Listen to my heartbreak each time you look at her the way I wish you'd look at me. Listen to the gutting effects of your betrayal. Listen to the battle between me and my dragons, all I want is victory anything else could mean death. Listen to the constant growls of my stomach, it's hungry but I just can't hold anything down.  Listen to my disappointment as I look in the mirror and see everything but what I want to see. Listen as my aching feet, the ones that brought me to my two jobs and back, walk across the carpet floor as if it was covered in nails. Listen to my callused hands softly touch your face, wishing you'd get better. Listen to the chewing of my nails as I wait for the news, hoping it's one I want to hear and not what I fear.

Listen to the tapping of my feet against the table, impatiently waiting to dine on the meal I cooked for you in celebration of your promotion. Listen to the batting of my eyelashes as I anxiously wait for the next disaster. Listen to my impatience as I force myself to throw up everything I just ate to stop myself from gaining weight. Listen to the grinding of my teeth as I await another lie to come from your pretty plump lips. Listen to my muffled cries as I wait for the day when you come home when you’re supposed to as opposed to when you want to. Listen to the thud as I'm dropped inside another box, labeling me as unworthy of marriage. Listen to my screams as I birth our child, the one we said we wanted yet you want nothing to do with. Listen to the loneliness that's eating me slowly from the inside.

Listen to the flushing of my confidence each time you joke about how I look; how much I weigh and what I like to do. Listen to your critical and calculating words fired towards my self-perception and self-esteem like sharp pointy arrows. Listen to the terrorizing fear that consumes me all because you left when I needed you the most. Listen to my loud tossing and turning that mimics rough waves beating a ship. Listen to my strong, sturdy walls breaking each time you make me laugh, smile dream, and hope. Listen to the butterflies in my stomach as I anticipate our first kiss. Listen to the laughter of my smile when you notice a change in my hair, my style or just me. Listen to the bounce in my step as I make my way over to be enclosed in your warm and tight embrace.

Listen to the silence as I sleep throughout the night peacefully with beautiful dreams. For once, just listen. You'd be surprised at what you might hear.  

38. Marriage \"I don't believe in marriage.\" Sighing, I leaned my head against my palm. We've had this conversation before but with more of my friends walking down the aisle, my desire to do the same only got stronger. And it wasn't because everyone else was doing it that I wanted to do it too. I've been wanting this since I was little. I remember my parents showing me their wedding day album over and over again. Since then I've always wanted the same thing. I waited to grow up and I waited to find the perfect man for me. But now my perfect man didn't want to marry me. \"It's never been a secret; you knew this from the jump,\" he said shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal. And he was right, from the moment things started getting serious he told me not to expect a ring. He loved me, wanted to be with me, and start a family with me but he wasn't proposing nor was he marrying me. But I thought with time he'd change his perspective.

This upcoming July 14th would mark our second year of dating. When I went ice skating two years ago with my older brother Matt, I never thought it would lead me to find the love of my life. Shawn was the perfect guy for me. Yes, he got on my nerves sometimes when he didn't know when to stop joking and be serious. Yes, he had the bad habit of texting and driving. Yes, he was horrible at remembering important dates and being on time. But at the same time, he was deep and insightful. He was two years older than me but with the words that came out of his mouth sometimes it felt like ten. I could count on him to be there for me when I needed him. I could trust him with my innermost thoughts and feelings. I felt safe enough when I was with to be completely vulnerable. If that didn't make him marriage material, then I don't know what does. It seems like I've been waiting and waiting for something that was never coming. \"I understand.\" I said as calmly as I could. On the inside, I was the complete opposite. Inside, there were so many conflicting emotions: anger, impatience, sadness, and loss. \"Naomi, you know how I feel about you. You know I love you. Why do I need a ring to prove it? Why do we have to go through all that to prove our love for

each other.\" he said cradling my face in his large hands. It was so much more than just the ring and walking down the aisle. It was what it symbolized, it would be a symbol of our love and faithfulness to each other no matter what until death. I know nowadays not everyone took their vows seriously, seems like a majority of the world doesn't. I'm not oblivious to the divorce rates either. But Shawn and I were the types of people to honor our promises no matter how small or big they may be. I was confident we'd make it. And most importantly, you had to get married. I believed marriage was an institution put in place by God. I wouldn’t do for the important people in my, I would do it because I wanted my relationship to be in good standing in his eyes. But Shawn would never understand; it's not like he wanted to anyways. \"You are the woman for me, and I don't need a piece of paper to prove that to me.\" \"But I do,\" I said softly. Shaking his head, he removed his hands from their position. \"Then I don't know what to say.\" He threw