The Collection:The Struggles of Young Women_PDF Version

\"Michel,\" I said frankly. \"I could never be involved with a Haitian man let alone marry one.\" My face was deadpan, void of any emotion but on the inside, I was slowly feeling imminent destruction.

10. Little Black Girls & Beauty \"You look beautiful Mi!\" I looked at my eight-year-old sister adoringly. Her beady brown eyes looked bigger than normal. Whenever her hair was pulled up, it emphasized the features on her face like her small oval face and big brown eyes. \"No, I don't,\" she said walking back into the fitting room where she shut the door firmly in my face. Minutes later she walked out without the bright yellow dress in her hands. She chose it herself after hours of searching. She fell in love with it immediately, loving the bow on the back but I was feeling different vibes now that she tried it on. \"What's wrong with it?\" I asked her. \"It made you look good.\" My little sister was growing up right before me. Where did she go? It felt like I was holding her in my arms yesterday. \"Let's be real Mika,\" she said bitterly. “When am I ever going to be beautiful?\" She walked away from. \"Hold up a minute,\" I said catching up with her, but she only walked faster to the car to hide the tears.

She opened the door to get in then closed it behind her. Following her moves, I slid into the driver’s seat. \"Miya,\" I said softly. I leaned closer to her. \"You know you can talk to me about anything. Why would you say that?\" \"What! It's only true!\" \"That's the biggest lie I've ever heard come out of your mouth which is shocking because I know how you hate lies!\" If my sister felt a lie coming out of someone’s mouth, she called them out on it. \"Cassidy Jones already has a dress exactly like that! She showed it to all of us!\" she said crossing her arms. \"And?\" I asked. \"The dress isn't exclusive to Cassidy Jones. It wasn't meant just for her or else it wouldn't be in the stores, now would it?\" I asked. \"It might as well be, the dress makes her look beautiful.\" \"And what will it make you look like?\"

\"She'll look like a princess and I'll look like the ugly duckling.\" \"That's not true Miya! Why would you even say that?\" Where was this coming from? Wasn’t she too young to be obsessed with beauty or comparing herself to other girls her age? She had all of her teenage years to do that. \"It is true and I know it! I'm not stupid Mika, I watch tv. I listen to music. I talk to my friends. It's the same thing over and over again. If I'm not White, then I can’t be or beautiful or gorgeous. That's just the way the world works.\" she shrugged her shoulders carelessly as if it was a fact she has already accepted. She was already waving her white flag. I watched in horror as my little sister spewed what society has subtly shoved at times and forcibly down our throats. \"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Mi, you can't let anyone dictate the way your eyes see things. Beauty is whatever you consider it to be!\" \"Then I don't think I'm beautiful! I don't have blue eyes, blond hair, or a small body. I have a gap the

size of the Grand Canyon in between my teeth. My nose is crooked. My thighs touch. I don't wear makeup. My hair isn't straight. I can't do a cartwheel. My parents aren't rich. I don't have a dad. I don't have a big house with a dog and a butler. I'm nothing but Black. I don't have a cool fancy accent. I'm not mixed with anything else which makes me boring.\" she ranted. Her chest heaved to the beat of a fast drum. \"I don't see the beauty you're talking about!\" Black beauty doesn’t exist.\" she mumbled. \"It's White beauty or no beauty.\" She looked out the window. \"White people aren't the only beautiful ones!\" We all are beautiful in our own ways. Sometimes it was hard to see it, but if we failed to acknowledge it then we’d be subjecting ourselves to a dark world. \"That's what it seems like,\" \"But that's what it is! The truth is always the hardest to believe. It's easy to believe the lies than the truth.\" It was a hard pill to swallow. \"I really think you should go get that dress Mi, you're going to regret not getting it.\" I said trying to convince her. \"I'm going to regret wearing it. Let's just go home.\" she said sighing.

That night I turned and tossed in bed, it scared me to think that my little baby sister didn't believe she was beautiful. It hurt to think of all the little Black girls around the world who probably felt the same. The irony of it all was that I was one of those little Black girls.

11. The Prettier One \"You're the prettier twin,\" \"But we look exactly alike?\" I thought to myself. \"We're twins!\" I watched the guy flirt endlessly with my sister Bambi right in front of me. The name just stuck once we realized how innocent she was. Bambi struggled to find the right words to say, \"So I'm guessing that makes me the ugly twin sister?\" I said rolling my eyes. As if seeing me for the first time, the guy stood taller and eyed me. Deciding that I wasn’t worth his time, his attention returned to her. \"I'll be in Forever 21 when you're done talking to this jerk.\" I mumbled as I walked away from them. We’ll be 25 one day and guys will still only see my sister as the one worth pursuing. Siblings in general hat being compared to one another. But when you’re a twin, people seem to do it more to differentiate between both of you. Bambi was the smarter one. Beatrice was the rebellious one. Bambi was the sweet one. Beatrice was the mean one.

Bambi was the innocent one. Beatrice was the troublemaker. The constant comparisons were everywhere: school, home, and the outside events we went to. There was no escaping it. It's not like I could be angry at Bambi for it, it wasn't her fault she came out seconds after me looking exactly as I did, same face and everything. Our complexion was an uneven mix of cocoa powder and carnation milk. We had straight white teeth like our dad, thin black eyebrows from our mom, and a faint dimple on the right cheek. It didn't help that we had the same group of friends. Our friend Thomas, after three years of friendship, still couldn’t tell the difference between us. We went through the same routine. Most days, he'd look us both in the eye and ask us the most random questions. Based on our answers he would tell who was who. \"You're Beatrice for sure.” He would say pointing at me. And when you asked him why he said that, he would shrug and say, \"there's a feistiness in your answer.” As if it was a given fact, he would add, \"You're the feisty one and Bambi is the subdued one.\"

It was hard to fight these feelings festering in me, I loved my sister more than anything, but I was tired of living in her shadow. I was tired of being a copy of her, the bad copy that people threw away. \"You didn't have to be mean to him,\" Bambi said coming from nowhere. I was trying to find us complementary shirts when she popped up. \"Yeah because he was so nice to me,\" I mumbled. \"He didn't say anything mean to you,\" she frowned, unhappy that I was making a big deal of it. She didn’t understand. \"Yeah, of course, you wouldn't notice what he didn't say, if you're the pretty twin then what am I?\" I asked her, tapping my feet for emphasis. \"The pretty twin… can't we both be pretty?\" The simplest matters confused my sister. \"By the looks of it no,\" People rarely used that word to describe me. \"Let's just look for something to wear for the Sunday picnic, okay?\" \"Okay.\" she said softly walking off towards the dress section. Bambi wasn't one to argue about anything. *•*•*•

I thought this would be something I could shake off, but it wasn't. I found myself slowly distancing myself from my twin, trying to be my own person. Tonight, it was our turn to make dinner. Whenever it was our turn, we'd look up stuff to make together then took on the roles of chef and assistant. But tonight, it was every woman for her herself. I went into the kitchen to get started early on cooking something I've been wanting to try for a while. I was covered in flour when she finally walked into the kitchen. She was freshly showered and dressed in a tank top and shorts just like me. \"You're cooking without me?\" \"Yea,\" I said shrugging. \"But you never cook without me,\" she said frowning again It was her favorite in-person expression. She grabbed her apron from the drawer saying Twin #2 and returned to my side again. \"What do you want me to do?\" she asked, eager to assist in any way like a little kid. \"Nothing Bambi, just do your own thing.\" I said frustrated with her innate tendency to want to do what I do. \"You don't always have to do as I do.\"

\"But we always do it together,\" she said confused. \"I don't get it Bea, what did I do so wrong? Now you can't even do things with me?\" she asked. Our eyebrows were thin, but they got the job done. They bundled up together to express her confusion. With pursed lips and watery eyes, she shook her head and flipped through the cookbook to find something to cook on her own. This distance would be good for us. We weren't always going to be together. We needed to be able to be our own person, handle things on our own, and do our own stuff. Throughout the week, her nagging persistence kicked into hyperdrive. Once she was stuck on something, she was stuck on like super like. She's been cornering me all week trying to figure out what was wrong. Nothing was wrong but she wouldn't believe me. I just wanted some space that's all. \"What did I do wrong?\" she asked knocking on my door for the thousandth time the next day. \"Just leave me alone Bambi!\" I yelled through the door blasting the music louder than before. Just leave me alone.

12. Caked Face \"What are you doing here?\" I yelled so loud I probably woke up the old people taking their mid- morning nap. At first, I closed the door in his face then rushed to open it once I realized what I did and who it was. \"You didn't tell me you were coming!\" I said covering my face with my hands and peeking through the gaps in between my fingers. \"I wanted to surprise you—\" \"You can't just do that Steven! I'm not—I don't have on any makeup, “I looked hotter than a hot mess. He waved away the concern like it was a meaningless and harmless fly, “You know I don't care about those stuff Cass—\" \"Steven just go please, I'll talk to you later.\" I quickly hugged him, kissed his cheek and grabbed the flowers he brought for me. I didn’t have to stop and consider the reason why he was bringing me flowers. \"I'm sorry,\" I whispered shutting the door. After closing the door, I leaned back against it asking forgiveness for what I just did.

Guys always said that looks don't matter yet their actions said something else completely. Steven like any other guy liked showing me around like a cow at an auction. But he wouldn't do that if my lips were all dry, my eyelids drooping, and my face washed out and cracking. I worked hard to make myself look good for myself and for him. The last thing I wanted was to embarrass him because my looks weren't up to par. Every morning I woke up at five am, an hour earlier than I needed. First, I brushed my teeth and showered. Next, I put on the clothes I prepared the night before. At five-thirty, I began my make-up routine which could take thirty minutes to an hour depending on much work I needed. Everything after that was pretty same old same old, I ate breakfast then headed to work. *•*•*• After Steven left, I ran up the stairs to get ready for a FaceTime session with him later tonight to apologize for my behavior. I felt so bad for what I had done. The first time it rang no one picked up. The second time it rang there was still no answer.

The third time it rang, I waited anxiously afraid he was angry at me. \"Hello.” His voice was void of emotion. Usually, I wouldn’t have to wait more than 15 seconds for him to answer because he was excited to talk to me. I nervously tapped my fingers along the railings out on the balcony, it had the best connection. \"Don't tell me you’re mad at me,\" I said feeling deflated. \"I'm sorry about today—\" \"It's whatever Cass—\" \"I just freaked out and shut the door. I wasn't thinking, I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise.\" The fastest way to his heart and forgiveness was by showing sincerity and making him a home-cooked meal. \"Ok.\" I said hesitantly. I didn’t know what to say beyond that to fix the situation. \"I'll talk to you tomorrow Cass, okay? I'm tired and I’ve got a long day tomorrow. I’m calling it night early.\" He said running his hands down his face. \"Oh... okay.\" I said. My shoulders sagged from the weight of disappointment. I spent all this time on my

face and hair for a one-minute conversation. \"Love you,\" I said but the video ended before I think he heard it. Feeling dejected, I walked to the bathroom to wash off this makeup. By the time I finished, I was in too much of a bad mood to complete the remaining modules for a work-related training. The required deadline was tomorrow. I prided myself on making deadlines of all kinds but tonight I wasn’t feeling up to the task. •*•*•* When my car sputtered to uncontrollably, I called Steven after I called a tow truck. The car ride was quiet and awkward. The wind howled a sad melody, creating a depressing backdrop to an already uneasy ride. When he parked in front of my door, I felt there was something he wanted to get off his chest. I kept my hands tentatively on the door handle in case he decided to say nothing. “I think we should break up Cass.\" Of all the things I thought he would say, that was nowhere on the list. I expected him to be upset. I thought he would express his unhappiness. In the back of my mind, I hoped we were going to plan

something for Saturday night. But what he actually said I didn't see this coming at all. \"W-what! Why?\" I asked. \"I don't understand.\" I said feeling a range of emotions. First, I was confused then it transformed into hurt then it settled with anger. \"I thought you loved me! What, am I not pretty enough for you?\" I asked angrily. \"And that is exactly why we need to break up.\" He said slowly emphasizing each word. \"Everything is always about looks with you! That's all you care about!\" His exasperation was shining clearer than the stars on a pitch-black night. \"You know, I kept making excuses saying maybe it's just a phase or it's just a personal obsession. But you know what? Yesterday made me realize how important this,\" he said pointing at my face. \"really is to you.\" He shook his head. Really Cass? You shut the door in my face on the day of our sixth-month milestone.” I covered my mouth in shock. I totally forgot. When Steven and I started dating, our intentions were clear from the start. We wanted to be together. We wanted to date because we saw in each other the potential to be marriage mates. Sadly, couples barely make it to six months let alone down the aisle. So, we both agree to do something special after dating for six months. During a candlelit dinner, we

would evaluate our relationship and see if it was worth advancing to serious talks of marriage. With everything going on in my life, it was shoved into the land of the forgotten. \"Yeah,\" he said sourly. \"That's exactly how I felt.\" \"Steven—I'm sorry okay!\" His hands were on the steering wheel, repeatedly squeezing the black steer wheel cover than releasing it. Doing so relaxed him. \"I knew you forgot,\" he chuckled dryly to himself. He stared right at me. \"And after all the hassle you gave me for not being romantic enough, I surprise you at your door with flowers ready to take you out on a nice date, which I've been planning for weeks, just so you can shut the door in my face because you don't have makeup on.\" He said threw his hands up in the air disbelief. His hands moved around as he tried to find the right words to say. \"Do you really think your looks are what I care about? Do you really think you're beautiful because of the stuff you put on your face? Do you really think that's why I want to be with?” He was asking the questions quicker than I could formulate an intelligent answer. Saying yes wasn’t enough. “Because of how well you cover your face with that stuff?\" 

\"Why else would you ask me out Steven?\" I said helplessly shrugging my shoulders. \"I don't know if you noticed but you only notice the pretty of the prettiest! If I wanted to keep you, I had to work my butt off to be one of the prettiest women in Eldridge.\" Steven scowled. \"See, that's where you're wrong. You don't know me all if you think that is anywhere near the truth. The only woman I dated before you was Angie and no,” he said holding up his hands to stop any assumptions that were forming in my mind, “it wasn't because she was pretty. It was because of her drive and her ability to add love into whatever she did whether it be taking care of a patient or donating old clothes to a thrift shop. I’ve never met someone so passionate and dedicated to giving her all with no reserves—\" \"How was I supposed to know that when you parade me around your friends like I'm some—some trophy that you won!\" \"Maybe if you'd actually listen to me you'd know! Maybe if you weren't always so busy putting on makeup, you would notice other things that are significant.” He briefly closed his eyes. His chest inflated as he took in a big gulp of air. \"I parade you

around my friends and my family because I'm proud, well was proud, to call you my girlfriend. Yeah, she's pretty but behind that pretty face is a woman who loves helping others and making them feel better. A woman who knows how to make a basket from center court. A woman who can make the meanest man laugh with tears in his eyes. And a woman who won me over because she was willing to stick to what she believes in. That's why I asked you out not because of your caked face.”

13. Fat Pig \"Look at her, she's eating like a pig.\" Keith and I were chilling and eating in the food court. My burger was delicious so far. It was filled with tomatoes, onions, lettuce, bacon, beef and all the good stuff. We decided to share a large plate of fries coated with cheddar cheese and bacon bits. He went for a Sprite and I went for a large strawberry milkshake. We were having a good time just talking about the most random things. I was nervous at first to be going out with him again for the second time but there was something about Keith that made you relax. The nerves drifted away once I got into the car and we started singing along to old radio favorites. One of his younger sisters, my cousin, and a couple of our mutual friends were joining us for a friendly game of mini gulf in about an hour. The black waves on his head mimic the ones in real life. \"Really?\" he asked chuckling. He used to wipe the gooey cheese off the corners of his mouth. \"I never thought you'd be that kind of girl.\" \"To have a burping contest with my brothers? Uh, yeah.\" I laughed. I wasn’t ashamed to share some of the silly stuff I did with them. \"I'm that kind of girl...\" I

wiped the mayo and mustard squeezing out of the burger off my hands. \"I really do miss them though,\" I said nostalgically thinking about the good times I had with my three brothers: Axel, Anthony, and Andrew. \"I know what you mean,\" he said nodding his head in agreement. \"My sister used to get on my last nerves yet when Brielle left to go to college, it was like something was missing. Suddenly there wasn't someone bugging me anymore or trying to dig into my life.\" he chuckled. \"It's surprising how it's the annoying stuff you miss the most—\" \"I know right!\" He grabbed french fry. \"Like she used to have a bad habit of leaving all her hair products around the bathroom sink. I could barely find room to brush my teeth... But now I find myself missing that. Now I have too much space.\" Similarly, my brothers took up all the space in the house and they trashed it. They were living breathing landfills. Regardless of how adorable they could be, they were lazy and purposely acted as if they didn’t know the definitions of the words cleaning or sanitizing.

As three girls looking for an available booth in the food court walked passed us, they flashed Keith the prettiest smiles they had and waved their tiny hands in the air. He politely smiled at them before returning his attention to where it should be. On me. \"I'm guessing that happens often?\" I asked. I waited for him to finish chewing before answering. \"People waving?\" he asked with a hidden smirk on his face. \"Yeah, it's something we like to do in America to greet one another.\" I threw a fry at his face which he tried to catch with his mouth but failed. \"Epic fail!\" I laughed aloud. \"What are you talking about?” he asked raising his shoulders. “ I meant to do that?\" \"Do what? Fail?\" \"No make you laugh,\" he said grinning widely at his success. As if he won a trophy, he dramatically grabbed a fry and put it in his mouth with

exaggerated satisfaction. \"A meal fit for a champion.\" We resumed eating and talking before one of the girls whispered to her Barbie look-alike that I was eating like a pig! It’s a burger, how else do you eat if not with both hands to establish a firm grip and minimize potential condiment spillage.? They had the  audacity  to call me a pig! They didn't even  know  me. What's worse is the pretense they took of making it  seem  like they were whispering. They  wanted  me to hear it. They  wanted  me to feel bad about what I choose to eat. They wanted to put me down. I turned around in my seat and looked right at them and said, \"So actually enjoying food makes me a pig?\" I asked loud enough to for them to hear and to embarrass them for their childish behavior. High school was over. In the real world, you could be charged for harassing someone. They looked at each other with a pointed look as if to question is she really talking to me. Girls like that tended to believe they were Queens. What they do is right. What they say goes. What they eat is pure.

And you don't say anything back even if you disagree. But I wasn't under their rule. They weren't my doctor or my dietician or my mom. It wasn't their call to make if what I was eating or how I was eating wasn’t appropriate. \"Not everyone wants a Barbie doll figure. If you haven't heard, plastic isn't in this year.\" I said smiling sweetly. \"Curves are with a side of sass.\" \"Enjoy your meal,\" I said waving pettily. I rolled my eyes once I was turned around in my seat. As an act of defiance, I took a big bite of my burger, but it lost the yummy taste it had earlier. It was hard to pretend like you they weren’t ignorant and mean people in the world who were looking to get satisfaction from bringing others down. Keith watched the entire exchange with his arms crossed. \"Don't let them get to you Aaliyah. I don't know how or why girls think guys want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't eat.\" I chucked at his sincere confusion. \"Like that's creepy,\" he said with a frown. \"Also, if I'm taking you out to dinner, I actually want you to get a meal, not a salad worth two bites or a protein shake… unless that is what you want.” He grabbed his drink. \"I like a

woman who knows how to eat,\" He smiled. \"Who knows how to enjoy food.\" \"Then I guess I'm your girl.\" I said smiling softly. \"I guess you are.\" he said with a wide smile as he took my hands and intertwined them with his.

14. You Could Do Better \"You could've done better.\" When I was in fifth grade, I won my school's annual spelling. Beaming with pride my mother ran to me and swung me around in the air. With her arms around me and my trophy in hand, we grinned at the cameraman who took pictures of us in quick succession. \"But now you've got to go national!\" she gushed excitedly on the drive home. Wasn't this enough? When I was in middle school, I was the first Black girl at Whitman Moore to join TSA. I excitedly ran home to my mom to tell her. She was in the bathroom curling her hair when she said, \"That's good baby, you're going to be leaving your mark on the school, but you've got to do better than that! You've got to leave an erasable print on the school!\" When I was in eight grades, I was the valedictorian of my class. I spent weeks preparing my speech with my English teacher, Ms. Roberts. Every afternoon my

mom made me repeat it to her until I could say it in my sleep. \"Speak louder,\" she'd say. \"Slow down on this part.\" she'd correct. \"Don't add that! Are you crazy?\" she'd ask. \"Look up at the audience!\" At nine in the morning, students, staff, and parents assembled in the gym waiting for our graduation to begin. \"Remember to smile!\" My mom reminded adjusting the straps of my dress. \"Your lips are a little dry,\" She began applying lip gloss on my lips. I’ve been licking them nonstop because I was nervous. \"You're going to do great baby!\" she said hugging me tightly. I smiled  thinking  that my mother had confidence in me. \"As long as you do what mama told you to do.\" she added bursting my bubble of joy and confidence. \"Okay?\" \"Okay,\" I mumbled taking my place in the front row. When it was my turn to get on stage and speak, I nearly fainted as all eyes turned to me. Once I

started, the words seemed to flow out of me. I thought I did great; I didn't stumble on a single word or forget a single line. People congratulated me over and over as I tried to make my way to my mother. Her opinion was the one that mattered to me. Teachers hugged me and predicted that great things awaited me in the future. \"You did well.\" My mom said nodding her head. \"But you could've done better.\" During my freshman year of high school, I played soccer, volleyball, softball and then I tried track. I was fortunate enough to have my mom attend each and every game or meet religiously. She'd arrive there a few minutes early just to get a good spot. Each time we left, win or lose, she'd tell me the same thing. “You could’ve \" done better.\" The first time I went to a debutante ball, it was with my best friend Sammy. My girls and I spent an entire week prepping. When I showed my mom the dress I bought, she scrutinized the long navy-blue dress with a beaded waistline. She made me try it on and model it for her. \"Your legs look amazing in this dress and your waist looks so small,\" she cooed clapping her hands. \"You are going to be a

beauty, but you could've picked a better color, you know how blue makes you look.\" How does it make me look? When I was twenty-three, Mathew, my boyfriend of one year, popped the big question during a boat ride on the river. My mother was the first one I called to let her know the good news. Excitedly I dialed her number and waited for to pick up, \"Mom!\" I yelled. \"Matt proposed! I'm getting married!\" Together we yelled into the phone with squeals which then turned into tears of joy. I remember this day as if it was yesterday, I was in the hotel bathroom applying mascara to my eyelashes on my wedding day. My mother stood beside me waiting for me to finish so she could put on the finishing touch, the veil. She smiled at me and hugged me to her chest, \"Are you sure you want this?\" she asked. \"Yes! I really love him mom and I can't wait to spend my life with him.\" \"He's a great guy baby,\" she said agreeing with me. \"But you could've done better.\" And there was her infamous line. \"You are beautiful enough and smart

enough to attract the wealthiest of men. You could have found a better fish in the sea, but I guess Matt will just have to do.\" she said sadly smiling softly.

15. The One That Got Away Varah, Sydney, and Ophelia, were my friends now. Syd and I sat across Lia and Varah in the cafeteria room. That's how we usually sat. We all met in yearbook class. Varah and Ophelia were some of the best photographers you'd ever meet. They were able to capture so much emotion and action in a single shot. Sydney's domain was design, layouts, and themes. She was our InDesign Queen. And I was the Queen of Blurbs, Captions, and Stories. If anything needed to be written, then I was your girl. \"We're still going dress shopping, right?\" asked Syd. She's been browsing apps and websites trying to find the best bargains and the prettiest dresses. \"Yup,\" we all answered. I nostalgically look over at Eva. We always talked about going to the Senior Social together and shopping for the perfect dresses. But like every other dream we made together, it was down the drain. Out of the four of us, I was the slowest eater. I got up to throw away my salad bowl when I accidentally bumped into Eva. We awkwardly looked at each other and wordlessly walked the opposite direction, back into the worlds we were part of now. There

used to be a time when we couldn't stop talking to each, now we had no words to share, at least she didn't. I wasn't the one who asked for this! She did! We decided together to stick together during our freshmen year and not get lost in the hustle and bustle of high school. Then in our sophomore year, we decided to immerse ourselves in the school community. She joined cheerleading and I joined the newsletter at our school which was combined with yearbook. We veered off into two different directions, we could've still been friends, best friends.  But Madison came into the picture. Madison, or Maddi as Eva liked to call her, was filled with pep. She reminded me of strawberry shortcake with her freckled face. It started with an invite to practice their routine for the pep rally then it progressed into sleepovers and partying together. We used to sit in the corner of the cafeteria giving us a perfect view of everyone, they were usually the topic of our conversations. But then she slowly started to motivate me to sit with my yearbook

friends. Once I listened and did just that and she went to go sit with her cheerleading friends. From that point on, she created excuses after excuses for reasons why we couldn't sit together. \"I've got to ask Maddi something!\" \"Sorry Ash, I've got to be at the table today. We're all planning our next routine!\" \"Shouldn't you go sit with them? That way you'll be in the loop! I don't want you to be left out.\" Eventually, there were no more excuses because I barely saw her to ask if we could sit together. The hardest thing is trying to salvage a sinking ship. I felt her slipping from my grasps, but I still tried to hold on. It felt like I was holding onto a rope that was being forcibly tugged in the other direction. The only way this was going to end was with a burn. I knew our friendship was over the day I went to her house. I've been there numerous times. I ran in that house, laughed in that house, cried in that house and more. Now, I was just a stranger standing on the outside looking in. My parents were arguing again as they often did. Eva was the only one who knew every detail when it came to my living situation. She was the one who held me in her arms

and let me cry my heart and soul out. She was the only one I found comfort in during these times. My eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. With my sneakers and sweats, I drove over to her house hoping we could just talk, hoping I could fix whatever it is I lost, hoping I could offer whatever it is she hadn't found in me for a while. I knocked once and then I knocked twice. Madison opened the door revealing the activities occurring inside. She wore nothing but her sailor styled bikini and flip flops. Her wet hair stuck to her body and her towel laid wrapped around her shoulders. \"Uh, who are you?\" she asked. \"Ashley,\" I said hoarsely. I should've turned back the moment she opened the door. \"Is Eva here?\" \"You mean Evie?\" she asked. \"I can go get her for you if you'd like, wait here.\" She shut the door and disappeared inside. From where I stood, I could hear the vibrations coming from the loud music outback. I could just imagine all the fun she was having. Without me.

Ten minutes later she came to the door. \"I didn't know you still had those,\" I commented pointing at the bright pink shorts I bought for her when I went to California three years ago. On the back, it read loud and proud \"Besties 4 Life\". \"Yeahhhhh...\" she said awkwardly staring at her freshly manicure toenails. They were done a bright turquoise color just like Madison's nails They most likely got them done together. \"I was going to ask if you had a moment to talk but— you're busy it seems.\" \"Yeah, Maddi decided we should throw a party,\" Just saying the name made her grin. \"I would've invited you... But I know how you don't like large crowds…\" On the inside, she was probably wishing this conversation could end sooner rather than later. \"But if you want to talk, I'll call you later,\" \"Okay, “I said. \"Talk to you later then.\" I said turning around to go back home. \"Hey Eva?” \"Yeah?\"

\"I really miss you, “I confessed, and I did. I missed having a friend who knew me from way back. I missed laughing at reruns of our favorite shows on Nickelodeon and staying up until 2 am as we laid in bed during our sleepovers. I missed building crazy crafts out in the yard and creating delicious concoctions. She smiled softly but said nothing. \"I go by Evie now Ash,\" she said apologetically. That night I waited and waited for the call that never came. \"Ash!\" yelled Syd. \"Huh?\" I asked returning to the conversation. \"What'd you say?\" \"What were you thinking about girl?\" asked Varah. \"You were miles away!\" \"We've been saying your name for like five minutes!\" added Syd. \"Are you thinking that hard about the Senior Social?” she asked. \" I’m confident we’ll find you a nice dress.” she said nudging my shoulder. “We won’t leave until we do!” The other girls nodded their heads. If only I was...

16. Break Away \"Just leave me alone Bambi!\" \"What did I do wrong?\" I asked through the door for the fourth time, but I was only met with silence. I was lost. Ever since that day at the mall, she's been acting weird. I've thought long and hard trying to figure out if I did or say something to hurt or offend her, but I've come up empty. Bea was made of rock and steel, nothing ever got to her. She was different than me in that sense, anything could penetrate my heart and move me to tears. Mom said to give Beatrice some time, maybe she had a lot going on with school, but I knew that was a lie! I wasn't as clueless as everyone thought me to be. We had the same thing going on! We went to the same school. We had the same friends. We did the same extracurricular activities! What did she have going on that I didn't? In frustration, I yelled, \"Fine! Be that way!\" I stomped from her room to mine, shutting the door loudly to make a statement. Two could play this game. *•*•*•*

Bea took things to another level when she chose to sit with Candace on the bus! She disliked Candace more than anything but she rather sit with her than with me. I blinked away the tears that wanted to fall and turned around to slump on my seat. When we arrived at school, I rushed off the bus to find the nearest bathroom. \"Ms. Durham!\" yelled my biology teacher from upfront. \"I called your name twice! You haven't been paying attention to a single word I've been saying!\" she yelled at me. I flinched each time her voice raised high and higher. My parents rarely yelled at me knowing how I was. Just a yell was enough to bring tears to my eyes and make me shake with fear. \"I-I'm s-sorry.\" I stuttered. Normally, this would be the time where Bea came to my defense. She never came. I looked over to where she sat on the corner of the classroom, quickly scribbling her notes in her chicken-scratch handwriting. Not once did she look up. Not even when I asked to go use the bathroom to blow away the sniffles which often led to crying. I found myself losing focus in each class. I'd listen for the first fifteen minutes then drift out. By lunch, I was just ready to go home, crawl into bed and cry myself

a river. \"What's wrong Bambi?\" asked Thomas, one of our closest friends. \"Just having a rough day,\" I shrugged. He fell in step with me and together we walked to the cafeteria. \"You sure just a rough day?\" \"Why?\" I asked suspiciously. \"Did Bea say something?\" \"So, Bea is who you're upset with,\" he said. \"I'm not upset with anyone, I guess I am, but she started it! She won't talk to me and I don't why!! It's driving me crazy!\" I rambled. \"Would you talk to her for me?\" I asked. \"Uh-\" \"Please-\" \"The last thing I want is to get in between the two of you, what makes you think she'll listen to me anyway?\" \"I'm not clueless as everyone thinks, I know you like her!\" I yelled regretting it seconds after. His mouth

opened wide with shock. \"Sorry, my emotions are everywhere right now.\" I apologized. \"Y-you know about that?\" he asked turning bright red. \"Anyone can see it Tommy,\" I said softly. \"Except maybe her,\" I mumbled. \"Do you think I have a chance?” he asked. “Not today or even now, I still need to go to college and learn something. I need to find a paying job. I’ll need to be able to take care of her if we’re going to get married one day. I was losing him to his inner thoughts. “Thomas!” I said loudly to get his attention. “Yeah, sorry! One more, do you think I’ll have a real chance… one day?\" he asked nervously. \"A month ago, I would have said yes. I would have told you to go for it three years for now when you’re ready for a real relationship... But now, it's like I don't even know her anymore. Sorry Tommy,\" \"It's fine, thank Bambi.\" he said smiling softly. \"Don't let her get to you, you know how Bea is sometimes. I

know she loves you more than anything.\" He said wrapping an arm around me. \"She has a funny way of showing it, but you know what I don't care even care anymore—\" \"Don't say that, you know that you do. Maybe she just needs some space,\" \"Then why not ask for it instead of acting like I don't exist. That stuff hurts Tommy, she hasn't spoken to me for the past few weeks let alone acknowledge I exist,\" I said tearing up. “And now I can't stop crying,\" I said angrily wiping the tears off my face. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight against him. \"I'll try talking to her, okay?\" \"Okay,\" I said softly. By the time we arrived at the table, the atmosphere was colder than the cafeteria itself. \"Hey B,\" he said sitting by her side as usual. Most days I didn't think much about it, but today I smiled inwardly knowing much more than I did then. \"Hey.\" she said curtly. Her words were frosted with ice. She barely looked at him let alone

acknowledged his presence. He was probably going to get the treatment too just for talking to me. *•*•*• That evening Thomas called her on the phone. Bea wasn’t one to give her number easily. He got it a couple of years back when they were assigned to work on a group project for their shared physical science class. I knew it was him because he had his own special ringtone. She sat on the chairs in the backyard with the phone on speaker. On Mondays, I usually stay for dance practice, but it was canceled today. Our captain and co-captain were both sick with the flu. \"I don't want to talk about it Thomas.\" I heard her say. \"You know you can talk to me about anything, right? It'll stay between us.\" \"Mhm,\" she said not believing a word. \"You mean to tell me you won't go report every word I say to my sister?\" she asked. \"Not every word, I'll save a few words here or there so I'm not plagiarizing anything.\" he said amusingly.

She chuckled softly playing with the fringes on her shorts, I bought those for her when we went to New York last summer. I know I shouldn't be invading her privacy like this, but it was the only way to know what I did wrong and find a way to fix it. Of all our friends, it was always easier for Bea to express herself to Thomas. Even though she never shared it with me, I knew she liked him too. Our parents weren’t strict, but they were realistic. We weren’t dating until we were 25. They both wanted us to avoid making the same stupid mistakes they made. According to my dad, it all starts with dating. That’s where your life can go all wrong with a single wrong move. \"I'm just tired of being in her shadow.\" She said softly. \"I'm the oldest yet I'm the people always compare me to Bambi and it's never in a good way. She's the smart one, the pretty one, and the kind one.\" My shadow? I always thought we were our own person. \"Well, what does that make me? The dumb one? The ugly one? The mean one?\" she asked bitterly. \"I know I'm rough around the edges but I'm not all that bad.\" She added softly.

I covered my mouth in shock. I never knew she felt that way. Why didn't she tell me that? Believe it or not, Bea has always been my role model. She was the brave one out of us both. She was strong and I was weak. She was seen as her own hero whereas I was a damsel in distress incapable of saving myself. \"You know you’re not the dumb one Bea,\" He said. \"I've seen you work out the hardest calculus problem on the board within seconds. I've seen your SAT scores. I know for a fact, we all do, you're not dumb.\" How could she think she was dumb? She's been in gifted since she was in first grade. I wasn't in the gifted program until I was in fourth grade. Last year she got National Merit. She was one of five students to get it in our entire junior class. If that’s not smart, then I don't know what is. \"Any guy would be just stupid to not realize how beautiful you are, you're not just pretty Bea, you're beautiful.\" He explained. \"I bet you're just saying that because you think Bambi's beautiful,\"

I'm the beautiful one? I always thought she had the best eyes, they were naturally alluring and held mystery. Her hourglass shape contained more curves then I could ever have. Her body went well with everything she wore. Often, I thought I looked like a stick with clothes. \"I agree she's beautiful but that has nothing to do with how I see you.\" \"I just feel like I'm losing myself. It's like I don't even matter. I'm not even my own person but just a copy. Who wants a copy Thomas? Especially if it's worse than the original.\" If anyone's the copy, it would be me. I was the one who came out second. She was already out into the world first then I came with a face mimicking hers. Thomas sighed deeply and shuffled around. \"If you're feeling like this why don't you just talk to Bambi instead of shutting her out. I promise you she doesn't know that this is how you feel. She's not doing this on purpose—\" \"Of course, she's not. Bambi is as innocent as a mouse, she couldn't hurt a fly.\"

She's right! I couldn't hurt a fly even I wanted. And even if I could, the last person I would ever think of hurting would be Bea. Hurting her would be like hurting myself. Anyways, she's my sister. I would never want to do anything to hurt her, offend her, or make her feel like I was the best. It hurt to think she believed so little and so bad of me. What's worse is that she didn't want to talk to me about any of this which means she's wasn't interested in fixing the problem. But then again, I was the problem. Fixing the problem would mean getting rid of me. \"Exactly, so why are you doing this to her?\" \"Why is she doing this to me?\" Bea asked him. \"I think the real question is what are you doing to yourself?\" Thomas was one of the few people who could challenge Bea and keep up with her game of wits. \"What's that supposed to mean?\" \"It means you're digging your own hole and preparing to fall in it. You keep thinking about this. Instead of talking to Bambi, you're letting it fester in your heart and that's going to make you do something you regret like push her away for good.\"

\"How do you know that's not what I want? Push me away? She didn't even care if I was in her life or not. That was just another knife to the gut. \"We both know that's not what you want. There's no point in explaining how I know, I just do.\" \"Well, maybe I just need some room to breathe. I just need some space to be my own person for once and develop my own identity without any association or comparison to Bambi—\" \"If that's what you want.\" I said coldly revealing my hiding spot. \"Bambi?\" she said shocked, staring up at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. Without saying a word, I disappeared back into the house. If space was what she wanted then it's what she was going to get.

17. Starting A Family \"Why not?\" He asked. I didn’t like it when he raised his voice. With him, it was always the same old story! We both stood on opposite sides of the room yelling at each other trying to get the other to understand. \"You know why not!\" I yelled back. After a stressful day at work, the last thing I wanted was to come home to an argument. Gavin and I married the summer before our senior year of college to seal the deal. It was a basic summer wedding with our closest friends and family. I remember wearing a short summer dress with a blue ribbon wrapped around my waist. Life has always been easy for Gavin, the son of a businessman. He had a job waiting for him right after college. His father has been prepping him since he could talk so he could manage the family business. I, on the other hand, wasn't so fortunate. I was raised by my grandmother. I'm not complaining because I loved that woman with all my heart. She's been my everything and I thank her every day for what's she

done. Unlike Gavin, I didn't have a job waiting for me. I had to work my butt day in and day out to get this far. To get to my final destination, I still have work to do. Attaining a degree in interior design was my passion. Gavin was dual majoring in finance and business. Besides going to school, I was working to gain some experience and trying to find an official internship. Having a baby was on my to-do list but it was way down there. I wasn't ready for that right now at this time. He knew that. Before we got married, he agreed with that. It was a decision we made together. \"Is there something you're not telling me?\" he asked suspiciously. Any woman would be thrilled at the prospect of having kids and starting a family!\" \"Well, I'm not them! I want to start a family! You know that Gavin. Stop acting like you don't and that I'm the bad guy! I have to work. I have to go to school!\" \"And you can't do that and be pregnant? You could always take a break!\" \"You know what,\" I said tiredly. \"Why am I even arguing with you?\" I asked laughing dryly. It's not

like you could ever make Gavin see a voice of reason. Removing my stilettos, I headed to the bedroom. \"Hales,\" he said softening his tone. \"All I want to do is start a family with you, I want a family of our own. I want a daughter who is as determined and beautiful as you and a son who I can teach all these cool things too.\" \"You know I'd take care of you and every one of your needs—\" What about my need to contribute to our finances? What about my need of being something for myself? What about my need to workin the field that I love, doing what I love every day? \"You know what I feel?\" I said bitterly. \"I feel like you're trying to trap me into this marriage which is crazy because I'm already yours and I've made it clear that I'm here to stay.\" I said angrily. \"If we have kids then you must think for sure she's not going anywhere because no woman in her right mind