The Collection:The Struggles of Young Women_PDF Version

his hands up in the air then crossed his arms. He was not budging. \"But I do.\" I said once again. \"I think this ship has sailed for a while with no destination. Clearly, it's never going to reach a destination.\" I said shaking my head. \"What are you trying to say?\" he said narrowing his eyes. He knew exactly what I was trying to say. \"We're over.\" \"If you think this is going to get me to change my mind, it's not!” he said angrily. \"Trust me, I know.\" And with that said I walked out his front door knowing that the only thing that would come from this is crying... lots and lots of crying. There was no chance of changing his mind once it was settled on something. And there was no chance of changing my mind when I wanted something.

39. The Box Labeled Mommy Ignoring the judging and calculating looks, I made my way down the aisle at the Walmart neighborhood market with Elliott in hand. Since it was the closest one to the campus, it was mostly filled with students who worked there or shopped there. I was part of the latter group. El was pointing at everything wanting them to be deposited in the cart especially the box of vanilla ice cream, his favorite. Like the sucker I was when it came to him, I bought two boxes just for him. We didn't need much, just some toilet paper, apple juice, a dozen eggs and a carton of milk. On my way to the checkout, the cute cashier smiled happily at me. \"Sienna right?\" If I remember correctly, he was in my biology class at the community college. His name tag read, Eric. I nodded shyly with a soft smile. \"Cute brother,\" he said pointing at El. I've heard it all before: \"Cute brother.\" \"Cute cousin.\" \"He's a cute guy, is he yours?

It was all an attempt to find out if he was mine and if they needed to run for the hills. It happened all the time and by now I was used to it. \"He's my son,\" I said ignoring his questioning looks to purchase three packs of Orbit bubblegum. I went through three a day; they were my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He apologized profusely for the mistake. I was just happy to be out of there. I was young and beautiful, I'm not conceited just truthful, and everyone assumed I was presumptuous back in high school and that's how I got pregnant. You probably thought the same, right? The looks followed me wherever I went, the brains behind them made up their own thoughts and conclusion. Each strayed farther from the truth. It happened a week after graduation. I felt as if I was on top of the world. Everything felt great because everything was going great. I was on track to graduate with my best friends and my older sister. My grades earned me a white gown to mark that was part of the top 4 percent of my class. My house bustled with nerves and excitement because my entire family was anxious with anticipation for me and my sister to across the convention center’s great stage.

Until I was raped. I won't go into detail about it. I won't tell you how something was taken from me that bright Sunday morning, two things I'll never get back: my innocence and sense of security. They claimed I was asking for it. In his defense, yes they found him, I was asking for it. Apparently, the plain jeans and tee I wore that day pleaded with him to take those two things away from me. Now I had a two-year-old son, who barely said a word except mommy. With all the difficulties I faced during my pregnancy, it was no surprise that he was slow in his development. But he was my special baby and I loved him. But it's also the reason why men now see me as unwanted and undatable. I'm placed in a box with all the other women who already had children. I've always wanted to fall in love, get married, and live my happily ever after with that one special guy made for me. But life had other plans. Few men wanted to be with a girl let alone marry a girl who already a child from another man. Few would actually take the time to find out the truth. Then I also have El to think about, I couldn't bring

any kind of guy into his life. I couldn't bring a guy who was only in this for the short term, here today but gone tomorrow. But I really do wonder, what it would be like to date as women normally do. What would it be like to date and be treated out once in a while: What it would be like to be with a guy who looks at me as if I was his whole world? What it would be like to have a special someone bend on his knee and propose? But I guess I won't know for a very long time.

40. Left At The Alter It was June 10th, a day before our wedding. I plopped myself in the middle of the hotel bed happily. I was ready for this! I was ready to strip away Ms. Williams and become Mrs. Burrow! And to think that's what would be happening within the next few hours. It only took about a year of planning and inviting and trying and buying and calling and rehearsing and what not. Having a wedding planner really did help or else I would've gone crazy by the second day of planning. I was surprised I even slept at all with all the thoughts I had running through my head a mile a minute. I couldn't wait to go on our honeymoon, a two-week paid trip to Italy. Being the geek that I am, I already started looking up guided tours. I was a history buff and I couldn't wait to soak in all the historical secrets Italy held. Johnny was a good critique and was looking forward to relishing in Italian cuisine which was more than just pizza and pasta. Both of us spoke no Italian but we prayed Google Translate and Siri could help us get through the language barrier. We both wanted to have kids right away. If all goes as planned, I should be expecting by the end of June and have my first child by early March of the

following year. I wouldn’t mind having twins, we were aiming for four kids in total after all. The following morning, I woke up to my blaring six am alarm. The wedding wasn't until noon but there was so much to be done by then. Johnny joked that he wouldn't be up until eleven-thirty. As scheduled my ten bridesmaids were all here by seven-thirty. Ellie, my maid of honor who was also my sister, was the first to arrive. The rest came one after another every few minutes. \"You look beautiful Xania,\" said my sister hugging me tightly. \"Mom and dad would be so proud.\" My parents both passed when Ellie and I were young. Although they were old and settled on living a tranquil and calm life until they died, our grandparents took us in and raised us. Life stopped being calm and tranquil when you had a ten-year- old and a twelve-year-old in your care. Grandma died two years ago, and grandpa was in hospice barely living. Once grandma was gone, he claimed he had nothing left to live for except us two girls but now that we both found us some nice young men, his job was done. I knew picking a hotel only five minutes from the wedding venue would be handy. There was a

wardrobe malfunction with one of the dresses that took longer than expected. I won't bore you with the details of the decoration at the venue but just know that it was covered with beautiful hues of yellow and pink. We were expecting no more than one hundred and fifty people to show up. Johnny and I were both very private people, we wanted only those close to us to share this special day with us because we knew this day would be special to them as well. \"Were you this nervous on your day too?\" I asked my older sister. \"You have no idea,\" she chuckled. \"Just wait until you have to dance in front of everyone with the spotlight on—\" \"Not helping!\" yelled Nicole from across the limo. \"Sorry.\" She said smiling apologetically. Sometimes my sister lacked tack and was brutally honest. \"It's fine, you were just being honest.\" I said placing my hands in lap. What if he didn't like my dress? What if he was having second thoughts? \"Just breathe Nia, he's going to love the dress and the woman who's wearing it. How could he not?

You're amazing, you know?\" Growing up, she always knew the right things to say. When I had my first period, my first surgery, and my first heartbreak, she was there. Now, as I'm getting married, I couldn't think of a better person to be right by my side. \"Thanks,\" I said smiling genuinely this time. \"You know I love you, right?\" \"How could you not? I'm pretty amazing too.\" she laughed with that carefree laugh of hers. \"At least that's what Henry tells me.\" •~• All us girls were lined up in the back waiting for the music to cue our entrance. There were still five minutes left for me to freak out and hyperventilate. I was actually doing this! I was getting married! I've always lived life looking forward to the good things but expecting the bad things to happen. I looked forward to walking the aisle and locking eyes with the handsome man who was about to momentarily become my husband. I expected a minor accident to happen like Catherine's underwear showing through the dress (someone ran to the store to buy her another) or having to redo

Janet's makeup three times because she kept getting emotional and crying. But what I didn't expect was for Izzy Campbell, our wedding planner, to walk through the back yelling, \"We've got a problem!\" \"It's not Johnny, is it?\" I asked already feeling my heart accelerating. Something couldn't have happened to him. Her face was bright red. “It's exactly him! Where is he?\" Her head looked ready to explode. For a petite woman, her voice was loud, and her words could pack a punch. \"What do you mean where he is?\" I asked. \"He should be out there!\" I refrained from sneaking a peek earlier on out of fear that I would run down that aisle right then and there into his comforting arms. But the spot where he should've been was empty. His groomsmen stood there awkwardly upfront talking amongst themselves. Jacob, his best man and older brother, made eye contact with me. In his eyes held an emotion I did not want to see; guilt accompanied with a look of apology.

There was only one thought running through my mind. He's not coming. And he probably never planned to.

41. The Cage I've locked myself in this cage, for protection you see. It's the only thing I could think to do to protect myself from those sweet words that hold only lies and hurt. All it took was one man. His name was Jonathan, but we all called him Lil John for short. He has always been a runt... But he was my runt. It was your typical story: girl meets guy, girl feels unworthy of love, guy makes her think differently and then boom! She finds herself in love, head over heels, and ready to get married. He didn't cheat on me, but he lied to me about who he was, what we stood for, and where he planned on going with his life. He destroyed everything we built, our dreams, our hopes, and our goals. It was all just a lie for the entire year we dated. Those lies were like arrows piercing my heart one after one. To avoid the same thing happening twice, I built myself a cage and locked myself in. No man would make me venture out of its comfort and protection. No more falling in love. No more being hurt. That's what I thought until I met Drew.

Trust me, I wasn't looking for another man or for love! I've been running from it for a while now. I slowed down thinking I was safe, but it seems like it used that as an opportunity to catch up to me. He's everything I've ever wanted a man. He's funny, down to earth, driven, family-orientated, honest, and always looking to have a good time. His quiet and thoughtful demeanor surprisingly complimented my outgoing and loud one. Each time we talked, each time he made me laugh, each time we went on a date, he made me want to step out of the cage and truly be with him without restriction. But what if it was just another trick to steal my heart and break it? Was he really worth leaving the cage? Was he worth the risk?  I hate to admit but after being so long in this cage, I, Samantha Owens, was afraid of being in love.

42. The Orphanage Mohini left a year ago. Prisha left a month ago. Riya left a week ago. Saanvi left yesterday. And Gunj is leaving today. When will it be my turn? I was brought here with those five other girls when an epidemic wiped out almost the entire village. I was only seven. Us girls were sent here and the boys elsewhere. That was eight years ago. Out of the six of us, only one of us remained and that was me. The adults smiled down at me sadly as my friends were taken away from me. Since they were all I had left, it hurt to see them go. The adults whispered sweet lies of promise and hope that my turn would come too. But they were lies and always would be. Those looking to adopt from the orphanage sought perfection among us, something they would never get from me. There were burn marks on my legs and arms from when I strayed too close to a burning fire in the center of the village. But most importantly there was my cleft lip. At times I would look in the mirror, disgusted with what I saw. Then I'd cry myself to sleep wishing I could have a more perfect and more normal face. At night, I'd hear the whispers, \"Janani is ugly\" or \"Janani will

never be loved\" followed by giggles and laughter. They knew I heard them, and they wanted me to. Who would love me with lips like these? Even my parents were disgusted with me even though they tried to hide it, their disappointment shined brightly in their eyes. I was bound to stay here forever. When I come of age, I'll stay here and work. What man would marry me and take me away from here? What place would hire me if not here? What manager would want me upfront serving food to valuable customers? What patient would want me advising them about their health mine wasn't so stellar? What person would want aesthetically pleasing advice from me when beauty was such a foreign word to me? No one would want to know me beyond my physical imperfection. I was sentenced to an eternal life inside the orphanage shielding the world from my hideousness. 

43. Baby Face \"He's practically a baby!\" The entire group looked at me as if I grew an additional eye or arm. Kassidy, my closest friend in the group looked betrayed. It's not like I didn't choose to not tell only her! I never told her, Jasmine, or Ebonie! I decided to keep them all in the dark. I knew what they would say. I knew how they would look at me. When my phone chirped with a notification and a message, I briefly looked down to swipe it off the screen but not without reading it. Brandon Can't wait to see you tomorrow!  Get ready for the surprise of your life! Received: 3:45 pm \"That's him, isn't it?\" asked Jasmine looking down at my phone with disgust. I nodded ashamed, it's like I've been caught with a dirty secret. Ebonie was the one to spot us yesterday. The entire time we've been dating I was careful to go places where I knew they, as in my friends, wouldn't be. If that meant traveling twenty minutes to a movie theater, then so be it. He's been

asking to meet my friends, but I've been making up excuse after excuse. He didn't need to meet them. They would only explain all the reasons why we didn't belong together. Ebonie could be just plain mean, she'd scare him away in an instant. \"Seriously Natasha!\" groaned Jasmine. \"You could easily find a suitable guy to potential date and you go get a babyface?” she asked. “If you were that desperate, I could have arranged a date between you and my brother, he's single.\" \"We all know your brother,\" said Kassidy rolling her eyes. She would know since she dated him for two months before things went down south really quick. \"It's not like I went looking for it! It just happened!\" I said frustratedly. And happen it did. We surprisingly met while fishing, not the most romantic way to meet, but it was a fun day. My dad and I were fishing on the lake, just the two of us. It wasn't my favorite activity, but it was his. So, I suffered through it letting it become a bonding activity. I used those hours to just talk to him about what's going on in the world, but he was interested

more about what was happening in my life. We were the only people who knew of this particular spot on the lake... so I thought. Turns out we weren't. Thirty minutes into the boat ride and this man and his son came and settled not too far from us. My dad, being such a great conversationalist, strikes up a conversation with him about the weather. Brandon and I awkwardly fumbled through introducing ourselves like we were teenagers and not adults. It upset me that my dad was using our time to try to make a new friend. He could do that anytime! When the skies turned grey and a storm seemed to be coming, we headed back to our cars. Then my dad invited them to lunch. It was awkward between me and him at first until we found something we had in common: a love for movies. It was surprising to see how many movies we both watched, our opinions on them were similar for the most part. There was an instant connection, one I tried to ignore once I learned he was only 23, four years younger than me. It was legal for us to be together, but I've always imagined being with a guy who was older than me! Not the other way around. No matter how hard I pushed him away, he kept coming back stronger and my feelings only got

stronger. Now here we are eight months later and still going strong. \"Story of my life, how long do you think this is going to last? He's fresh out of college, do you think he's really ready to settle down and be the guy that you need?\" •~• I tossed and turned that night unable to stay asleep for long. When I met him Friday night, I didn't feel the same joy and happiness as I usually do. My friends beat that all out of me like candy out of a piñata. \"Is something wrong?” he asked trying to look me straight into my eyes. He said he could always tell how I was feeling just by looking at them. \"I'm fine, let’s just go.\" I said trying to avoid his stare. If I wasn't careful, I might just become a babbling mess. \"We'll go as soon as you tell me what's wrong,\" he said firmly standing near the car with his hold on my hand even firmer. \"Baby, it's nothing. I don't want to miss my surprise—\"

\"It's your surprise, it's not going anywhere, and neither am I until you tell me what's up with you.\" He said softly caressing my face. \"You've been crying all night and I want to know why.\" \"For all you know it's period cramps—” \"You brag all the time about how your cramps aren't bad enough to make you cry let alone stop functioning for the day.\" He looked at me expectedly. \"Yes, I listen to you.\" He said teasingly to lighten up the moment. Could he tell I was on the verge of tears? \"Let's get back into the car,\" I said sighing. Everyone didn't need to hear our business. He wanted to know the problem, so I told him: I was dating and currently in love with a guy four years younger than me and now friends were berating me for it.

44. The Criminals' Daughter The criminals' daughter, that's how everyone referred to me at school. They didn't call me Alex or Alexandra, not even my last name Capponee. Both my parents were in jail for attempted murder, battery, and drugs. If you can't tell, they didn't live the cleanest of lives. Yet the first Saturday of every month I felt compelled to go see them and let them know I loved them... And I did. They've just made some bad decisions, very bad decisions. I've been coming for two years now so the guards knew me pretty well. They treated me better than the people at school, staff included. \"How's school Alex?\" asked Susan. She was one of three female guards, but she was definitely one of the strongest and scariest. I visited dad first and mom later in the day. I always had more to talk to her about than him like about makeup and periods and stuff. When I visited him, he just repeatedly told me to stay away from boys because they were nothing but trouble. Once I asked, \"like you?\" and he looked at me for a long time before saying, \"Yeah, like me.\" His hair was longer than usual. It gave him a rugged look mom, the one she fell in love with. He smiled as the guards escorted him to his seat in front of the glass, but his demeanor quickly changed.

His eyebrows furrowed together. \"What did I say about makeup?\" he asked. \"It's just mascara and lip gloss, calm down.\" He glared at me until I wiped it off with my sleeve. \"Happy?\" I asked. \"Very?\" \"Makeup is nothing but a tool to brand yourself as available which you are not.\" He said. Who was he to lecture me? Your father. \"Thanks for the fifty dollars,\" he said. \"But you know you didn't have to; I want you to use your money on yourself and your friends. Go do girl things and have fun.\" It was hard to believe that this man right here was a criminal, you'd think he was a regular father. You wouldn't think he was a menace, a monster, or a danger to society. That's what people called him during the trial and up to his sentencing. They gave mom more of a leeway calling her a misguided soul but a terrible mother. \"What friends?\" I laughed humorlessly. \"I lost all the friends I had three years ago.\" As soon as my parents were caught, they all dropped off the face of

the earth. They didn't return my calls or texts. Now I don't even have a cellphone, what do I need one for? My grandma is one day away from being completely deaf. It's not like she'd know if I called her. Anyone who needed me reached me on the house phone. \"I'm sorry baby, I really am.\" \"It's whatever, they weren't real friends anyway.\" \"Are you going for another repeal?\" I asked him hopefully. \" I dunno Alex, I'm getting tired of being shot down.\" And I'm tired of not having parents in my life. Now I'm the misguided soul. \"You've been doing good, right? So that'll help your case.\" \"Good isn't as black and white in here as it is out there Alex. It's hard to be your definition of good in here when all you're trying to do is survive.\" \"What did you do?\" I asked disappointedly.

So much for changing. He paused, not wanting him to know I messed up. \"Got into an altercation.\" He sighed. \"But I would do it all over if I had to! He started it! He was trying to take the picture I have of you and Amber, that's the only thing that keeps me going! I wasn't going to let him have it!\" He finally stopped his rant to look at me. His shoulders fell. \"I've let you down, haven't I?\" Don't you always? \"I'm not always getting into trouble Alex, if anything I stay far away from it. I read my books. I play solitaire. I work out and I'm even enrolled in this program to get my GED. I'm not all bad I promise.\" \"Show me dad, don't tell me.\" \"And how exactly am I supposed to do that when I'm locked behind bars?\" he asked annoyed that I wasn't impressed with his progress. \"Get out.\" I said simply. Coming here was emotionally and physically tiring. That's why I only did it once a month. \"Bye dad.\" I said rising from my chair.

\"Bye Alex.\" \"Love you.\" \"And I love you too, always have and always will.\" \"See you Alex.\" said Andrew. \"Bye Drew.\" \"And remember, keep your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of.\" I nodded smiling softly. You won't find this hard to believe at all, but I was very much ashamed. Ashamed that this was what my parents chose over me. We could be living a happy life together, I wouldn't be perfect, but the happiness is all that matters. But they preferred to be holed up in some cell with people they didn't know. They preferred to have their lives dictated by guards who couldn't care less if they lived or died. I wiped my eyes with my sleeves to get rid of the tears that threatened to fall out. \"You've got to be strong Alex!\" I said to myself. It was my father's parting words to me as they arrested him. I thought we were doing good; we were together, and the house was empty of their loud and arrogant friends. I should've known something was wrong then. Since

when was being okay, being together, and being happy okay? It was basically illegal in our life. I was in the middle of trying on some new clothes and modeling them for my parents in their bedroom when we heard the knock.  It wasn't a single knock, but it was incessant knocks that could easily break the door down. They said both their names and said it was the police. My parents looked at each other like they knew it was coming. Not understanding what was happening I burst into tears and held on tight to my dad. He was the stronger of the two and I figured if anyone could protect me, it was him. But they were strong and pulled me away from him with more brute strength than what was necessary. I was only 130 pounds. Within a span of twenty minutes the house was ransacked, drugs were found, my parents were locked away in a van and my grandma was called.  \"It never gets easier, does it?\" asked a kid behind me, shaking me from the memory and pulling me back to reality. I had no idea who he was or where he came from yet I knew what he was talking about. \"No, it doesn't.\" \"Charlie Fuller.\" He said outstretching his hand.

\"Alexandra Capponee.\" His eyes widened before resuming their normal positions. \"Nice to meet you.\" He recomposed himself looking unaffected. Haven't heard that in a long time.

45. The Same Guy \"I'm still the same guy!\" But the truth is he was far from it! Trust me, once I was escorted to the table and found a complete stranger sitting there waiting for me, I was ready to leave and lock myself in a tower. Hopefully, someone worthy would come along and free me because I was done searching for Prince Charming. After much pleading and since I didn't want to make a scene, I took a seat. I had free food to look forward to at least. The bouquet he brought was beautiful so there was that too. But I still can’t move on from his lies about the simplest of things. When my sister got a new phone and a new number, I accidentally texted her old number and not the new, forgetting to change her contact information. Here old number was given immediately to a guy, one who I thought was named Chris. I apologized profusely for sending such an embarrassing text as two in the morning. He found it hilarious and a conversation was started and continued to this day. \"I thought you said your name was Chris Jensen.\" I \"It is,\" he sighed. \"Benjamin Chris Jensen.\"

I stoically drank the glass of red wine. \"Your eyes are brown.\" My fingers wrapped tighter against the wine glass. \"Yeah, but they do look hazel when I'm outside in the sun.\" But they're brown. \"Do you even have two sisters?\" I asked annoyed. \"Yes, two older sisters, Hannah and Hailey.\" \"And do you own a dog?\" \"My roommate does... But I mostly take care of him so it's like I—” \"But he's not yours?\" \"No.\" So much for getting married and finally giving our dogs a playmate. \"Then you don't own one.\" He slumped down in his chair, \"I promise you besides the little details it's still me Bethany. I'm still the guy you’re interested in.\"

Please don't remind me. \"I find that hard to believe,\" I said shaking my head. \"I became interested because of the small details! Those small details were the base of our conversations, the whole reason why we first connected and started talking.” Those details were important to me. Being honest was important to me in a relationship. \"Like when I told you about how my dad took me to my first NBA game when I was thirteen and you said your father took you to one too but when you were eleven. Was that even true?\" He winced like it pained him to admit it was, \"It was really a baseball game, but I knew a girl like you would be turned off by that. You can't even stand baseball!\" And that makes it right to lie? I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I want to scream at him right now. Why couldn’t he see what he did was wrong? \"And that time when I told you how much it hurt when I broke my leg and you said you broke yours too. I'm guessing that wasn't true either.\" He sighed again, \"I've never broken a bone in my body.\" I remember that night we laughed all night about how much we cried when we broke our leg

and how scared we were and how we used it to become popular, letting only the cool kids sign it. \"You said you're originally from here?\" \"That's almost true, I've almost lived here my whole life. I'd like to think I'm a California native. My family was away on vacation when my mom went into labor unexpectedly in Washington. I've only ever lived here though... except for the time I spent a year with my grandma in Michigan. My parents hoped it would keep me out of trouble.\" \"Is your mom's name even Mary Ann?\" I asked. \"Yes, that was true.\" \"Great, out of the thousands of things you told me one is true.\" I mumbled. \"I was afraid if I showed you the real me you would've gotten scared away. We both know you wouldn't have given me a chance. Chris Jensen, former high school quarterback and owner of golden lab sounds way better than Benjamin Jensen, a former high school geek who lives in a two-bedroom apartment with a messy roommate.\"

\"But that was my choice to make.\" \"Please Bethany, just give me a chance.\" I stared at him for a long time. He didn't have the hazel eyes which he claimed. He definitely wasn't six feet. I was probably a few inches taller than him. He was a good-looking guy honestly, maybe the scars caused by high school bullying may have prevented him from seeing that but it was true. But that didn't change the lies he told me. \"Which me are you talking about?\" I asked angrily. \"The 'me' sitting right before me or the one I've been talking to for the past year through text message!\" \"The one that's fallen just as hard as you have.\" If I haven't found much success with guys I’ve met in person, why did I think I could find it with a guy I met through an accident text message?

46. Find Me A Dad \"Can he be my dad?\" \"Sophy stop pointing!\" I hissed at my little girl as she pointed at the cute Asian man who searched the aisle for deodorant. \"And no, he can't be your dad!\" \"What about him?\" she asked pointing to the Hispanic with long black hair that could easily beat mine in quality and length in a hair contest. \"What did I just say?\" I said calmly glaring at her. It was a looked I mastered from my mom. Whenever I got in trouble in public, she would maintain her cool on the outside, but she'd give me a glare letting me know in the inside she was ready to get me! \"To stop pointing.\" \"And are you going to listen to me?\" She nodded, \"As soon I get a daddy. Everyone has one and I want one too.\" \"Sophy, I can't just get you a daddy.\" It's not that easy—\"

\"Beautiful woman, cute baby girl,\" said a guy looking at us. \"I'd happily sign up to fill the position if it's open.\" Suddenly Soph wanted to act shy and hide behind me, peeking out every few seconds. Honestly, I was a bit intimidated too. He was at least six feet and some inches. He had a beard, it's wrong of me but I've always associated beards with countrymen or guys who rode motorcycles and hung out in bars. And he was white. I had nothing against white guys, it was just an observation. He had freckles along his tanned arms. \"Do you think this is funny?\" I asked glaring at him. What can I say? It was my attitude that kept deadbeats out of our lives. My mother spent her entire life around men like that. Although they never touched me, their behavior and the way they talked alone made me vow to never have people like that around my own kids.  \"Yes, I do. I find it amusing how your little girl, did I mention she's cute? Thinks she can point out a father.\" He said. \"I thought I'd play along and humor her.\" \"Well, you can just go and take your humor elsewhere.\" I used my hands to create a scurrying motion.

\"You really are a beautiful woman, how come you're still single?\" he asked. \"I could ask you the same thing—\" \"Then I'm afraid I'd have to be very insulted; I am very much a man sweetheart. I'm single by choice.\" She pursed my lips. \"Another phrase for you're playing the field. Excuse me but I should get g—\" \"More like I'm being patient, I'm waiting for God to bring the right woman into my life.\" The sincerity in his voice shocked me and made me forgot my next move. \"Well, I hope you uh find that girl. “I stammered sounding like a complete idiot. \"Me too.\" He smiled. He waved at Sophy and she timidly waved back. \"Can he be my daddy?\" she asked when we were at the checkout line. I rolled my eyes choosing to ignore her. Maybe.

47. The Ultimate Goal \"Baby, you can't try to force someone into marrying you.\" My mom said the words softly, running her hands through my hair like when I was younger. Years later, I was still running back to her when I had a problem. It wasn't the words I wanted to hear but they were true. She was still gorgeous at forty-two and I was always told that I was an exact replica of her, so why couldn't I be loved the way a man loves his wife? \"I wasn't forcing him—\" \"Naomi, it was either he married you or you two broke up. That seems like forcing to me.\" \"Mom, what's the point of being together if the ultimate goal isn't marriage? Huh?\" I asked. \"We met. We got to know each other. We dated. We fell in love. What's next if not marriage? What's so hard about marrying me? I've always dreamed of having a big wedding with those I love there but if I had to go without that then fine.\" I said honestly. \"We could go to the courthouse right now and I would do it. All I want is for him to be my husband and I want to be his wife.\"

\"Are you sure it's not the title you're in love with?\" she asked hesitantly. I lifted my head up and pulled away from her. \"No mom, well kind of but not really. I could do without the titles, but they come with being married. I can't pick and choose what parts of marriage I want. It's a whole package! A wife has more authority than a girlfriend. Imagine if something were to happen to me, he's just my boyfriend. He's not going to have much say in anything even though I trust him with my life. You and dad will be considered my family and he's just a boyfriend, replaceable.\" I sighed dramatically. \"And the same goes for him, if something happens to him, I'll be there helpless waiting in the hospital. I'll be fortunate to even have someone tell me he's okay.\" \"I never knew marriage was important to you.\" said my mom. \"I never knew marriage could mean nothing, could be so worthless to others.\" I said bitterly.  \"But he's right baby, you knew how he felt about marriage from the beginning. Why start something knowing it would end like this?\" she asked.

\"A lot of people say that then they change their minds.” Shawn would never admit it, he rarely even talked about it, but his parents’ own failed marriage had to do with his refusal to get married. Witnessing their marriage gave him the wrong idea about marriage. When done the right way, it was a beautiful arrangement that makes your life better and happier. “I thought he would be the same. It's not like I asked to fall in love with, it just happened.\" \"My last piece of advice, it's better not to marry someone who doesn't want to be married to you in the first place. Marriage demands effort from both parties.\" \"So does a relationship and we were going strong.\" I said bitterly. *** After leaving my childhood home I headed straight for my apartment, it felt as empty and alone as I felt. Now that I was nursing a broken heart, I was looking at the world from a set of dreary lenses. When I parked my car in front of my apartment complex, I thought I saw a car that looked like Shawn's. But I must've been dreaming. Everything has been reminding me of Shawn. Romance movies reminded

me of the way he used to look at me. Apples reminded me of him because that's his favorite fruit. Memes reminded me of him because making memes and laughing at memes was his activity to do with friends. The pictures of us that were still on my phone reminded me of him. Part of me was still hoping that we could be as happy as we were in them. When I turned the corner to walk to my front door, there he was with a box in hand. I thought I would break down crying after not seeing him for a month. I went from seeing him almost every day to not seeing him at all. It was hard not to run to him to share my day or hear him tell me about his. \"Hey.\" He said casually as if we hadn’t broken up. \"Hey.\" I said. \"I thought I should return your stuff, the things you left in my car.\" So basically, my entire life? In his car, I had an extra pair of shoes for when my heels started to make my feet ache. I had extra lipstick, deodorant, and copies of important papers. Those were the things I remembered. \"Just leave it out here, I'll pick it up later.\" I said annoyed.

\"Are you sure you don't w—\" \"No!\" I yelled surprising the both of us. I lowered my voice. \"I don't want you to do anything. The one thing I do want you to do, you won't do you know so just—\" I sighed. \"Just please go.\" I said softly. Why was I mad at him when I only had myself to be mad at? \"Why are you angry with me?\" he asked genuinely confused. \"You're the who's doing this! You're the one who broke us up! You're the one who threw away our relationship like it was nothing!\" Although he didn't want to say it, it showed. I hurt him the same way he was hurting me. Without even trying. We both wanted to be together but had different points of view on what that actually means. \"It might as well have been nothing! I don't want to spend the rest of my life dating you! It's like being in the friend zone for your entire life. I want to be your wife Shawn and I want you to be my husband. Not because my friends are doing it! Not because I want a fancy ring or some fancy party!\" \"Then why! Why now?\" he asked.

Why now? I've been bringing up the idea of marriage after eight months together and like every other time, he shut me down. \"Because I want to be yours completely and wholeheartedly and I want you to be mine. I want us to commit to this relationship as long as we're both alive! I want the security of knowing you're not just going to walk out on me one day! I want the security of knowing this relationship means as much to you as it does to me! I want every woman in this city to know you're taken by the ring you'd wear on your finger.” I wanted to do the right thing although everyone else just wanted to do what they wanted, whether it was right or not. \"I just want you to truly be mine. \"That's why.\" I said unlocking my front door and slamming it in his face. I leaned against the closed door, feeling myself slowly slide to the ground. My salty tears were sliding down my face. I licked my dry lips, feeling them tremble with heartache. \"Why is it that you ask me of me the one thing you know I can't deliver?\" I heard him ask through the door. \"The one thing I can't give you.\" He let out a frustrated breath. \"I'd give you the world if you asked.\" He said softly. \"But not this.\" And then he was gone. Maybe this time for good.

48. You Do You & I Do Me \"You do you and I do me.\" \"Calm down Shay, it wasn't an attack.\" She said rolling her eyes. She continued browsing the shelves, but I knew she wasn't done yet. Naomi and Raine stood in the far corner of the store leaving me stuck with Brooke. Don't get me wrong, I loved them all, Brooke included. But sometimes they really knew which buttons to push to set me off. \"It's only your senior year once!\" \"I'm only alive once!\" \"Living a little isn't going to kill you! You can't spend all your time hidden in your bedroom writing make- believe stories. Stop writing about life and start living it!\" I knew showing her my storybook was a big mistake. It was like handing ammo to the enemy to shoot you with. \"Who does that? Who likes to write for fun?\" \"Obviously I do,\" I snapped back. \"Do you see me getting on you for doing your nails religiously every two weeks for fun? Do I say anything when you're at

a different party every Friday and Saturday? Do I make you feel bad for liking to go to the football games not because you like them but because you want to stare at the quarterback all night?\" I asked. \"No! I don't! So, let me do me and you do you. If you have a problem with what I do for fun that that's your problem, not mine. You know what kind of person I was from the jump,\" I said glaring at her. \"If you suddenly aren't fine with that anymore then happily see your way out my life.\" •~•~• There were only three bags in my hand when I walked through the door. \"Someone's mad.\" My brother said slurping the milk in his cereal loudly. \"And someone needs to mind their own business.\" I said brushing past him to go up the stairs. I dropped the bags on the chair and found my storybook wedged in between my history and math textbook. It wasn't a secret that I liked to write but there were some stories in here that I didn't want people stumbling upon by accident. The words just flowed out of me like syrup from a maple tree. They didn't understand! People just didn't understand! And they didn’t want to either. I wrote not only because I

found it fun but because it was a part of me! It was how I expressed myself, my thoughts, my feelings and my views on the world. It's something I'm good at, a skill that comes naturally to me. I don't go to parties because when I do go, I freeze up unable to make a simple coherent sentence. The football games give me anxiety, all those people and eyes paralyze me. I was happiest when I was being myself, daydreaming about the fictional characters I’ve read and created. That’s when I felt the most like myself and it’s what I would continue to do.

49. Cold Feet A day. That's all it took to ruin my life. A week. That's how long it took to me to clean up the mess Johnny left for me. Eternity. That's how long it'll take to fix my broken heart. Ellie wiped the tears that fell down my face quietly. She's been by my side for the past two weeks. She was terrified I was going to collapse from the little sleep I've been getting and the little food I've been eating. \"Come on Xania, you have to eat something.\" \"I'm not hungry.\" I said sliding the plate of food away from me. I never thought I would be one of those brides left at the altar. There were many angry guests once they realized they weren't getting the wedding they took time off work to attend, the wedding they took a plane or a bus or a taxi to attend, a wedding they took time out of their lives to attend. I wrote an apology letter to each person who came. Then there was all that wasted money, $30,000 to be exact. All that was for nothing. The wedding planner was angry that all her time and planning went to

waste. Then there was my dress. I could never wear it again even if I did marry again to another man. First, it seems disrespectful. Second, it held too many bad memories. Hopefully, if I had a daughter, I would pass it down to her. If she doesn't like it, I'll sell it and use the money to contribute to her big day. ~•~ Ellie must've slipped something in my drink because when I woke up, I was groggy, and my eyelids felt heavier than usual. \"She doesn't want to see you Johnny! I can't believe you would that to her! How could you do that to her!\" She sounded hysterical. Wasn’t that my job? \"Just let me see her Ellie, please? I've got to see her!\" came his voice. That same voice that I dreamed would say I do. Ever since the failed wedding, I kept having nightmares of him saying I don’t, and I won't. \"Please?\" he pleaded with desperation. \"She's sleeping... Something she hasn't done since what you did to her you jerk!\" she said angrily. I lifted myself out of bed, a hard task since my legs felt like jelly and my eyes refused to stay open. I rubbed my eyes again. I opened the bedroom door

then walked into the living room to find an angry Ellie and a disheveled Johnny. \"Xania!” he yelled running to me and gathering me in his arms. I was numb. It was like I felt nothing but the pain and heartbreak he caused me. \"Say what you have to say so you can leave and be out of my life for good.\" I said coldly. \"Xania, I am so sorry! I never meant for that to happ —\" \"So, you accidentally missed the most important day of our lives?\" I asked angrily. \"You just accidentally left me there, left us all there waiting and questioning!\" I yelled. \"You just abandoned me when I was counting on you the most!\" I cried aloud. \"Baby, just let me explain.\" I took a step back and outstretched my hand to keep him at a distance. I hated how I could smell his aftershave and feel the softness of his cotton shirt. \"I got scared and I chickened out. I wanted to marry you I really did but... I just got cold feet. But I'm ready now, I did some thinking and manning up. There is no one else

I rather spend my life with other than you. You are it for me!\" \"Should've figured that out three weeks ago.\"  The door was left slightly ajar and in came Jacob, his older brother and Jay, his younger brother. \"I told you not to let him out of your sight!\" Jacob said angrily at his brother. \"Sorry! We found him didn't he!\" Jay said pointing at Johnny. \"I'm sorry Xania, I've been trying to keep him away from you,\" Jacob sighed. \"But he got away since this one,\" he said glaring at his brother. \"Wasn't paying close attention.\" \"Just let me say what I have to say okay?\" Johnny asked his brother. Everyone looked at me to make the next move. \"I'm listening.\" It's almost always the questions beginning with why that keeps you up at night. I wanted to find out why he abandoned me on our wedding day so I could sleep peacefully again and find some closure.

\"Xania, you are my everything. You couldn't have come into my life at a more perfect time. My parents just got a divorce after twenty-seven years of marriage and I was ready to give up on love. If they could give up something so precious like what they have then love and marriage must not be all you hear it to be.\" He said earnestly. “But then you came along with your smirks, smiles, and sarcasm. You had a positivity that rivaled my negativity and soon I was seeing the world in a whole new light. Suddenly it was beautiful, and my life now had a purpose: making you feel loved, cherished, and secure. “ When he took a step forward, I took two steps back. \"I've made some mistakes which I'm not proud of, yet you managed to look past that and love me for who I am. You right, I should've been honest with you and upfront about how I felt. I should've told you that I was scared I wouldn't be the husband you needed me to be. I should've told you how scared I was that one day you'd realize you deserve so much better and leave me. I should've told you that I was scared.\" \"But what's love without a little fear? Without a little risk? I'm ready to have it all with you baby: a home with a white picket fence, a beautiful family, and I'm ready to grow old with you. I couldn't think of

anything better than that. That right there is the life I want to live!\" \"Those would've been excellent wedding vows.\" I said straight-faced unmoved by his poetic words. \"Too bad though, huh? Have a nice life Johnny and I'll be sure to do the same.\"