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Chapter 21back at our hotel suite, there was Roman clothes for us to dressin for the evening’s festivities, laying on the bed. The eveningwas held in one of the hotels biggest function rooms, whereRoman centurions stood guard on all the doors. Roman styledtables and chairs were set for meals and drinking. As wearrived, as usual we were presented with champagne cocktails,Roman style of course. After standing around and chatting tofriends and colleagues we finally took our seats. Suddenly, onewhole side of an enormous wall was lit up by the chariot racefrom the film ´Ben-Hur.` Twenty minutes of Charlton Hestonand Stephen Boyd racing one another to the death and thetremendous stereophonic sound track; what an incredible wayto get the evening started. After that we needed another drink.Who was our compare for the evening? None other thanFrankie Howerd of course, straight from ´Up Pompeii.` Thewaiters came around with long wooden containers, filled withred wine. They then held them a foot above our mouths andattempted to pour the wine in. During the evening, Frankie toldsome jokes he may not have ventured, if on the telly and GloriaGaynor gave a great performance with an incredible backing ofdancing girls. Later in the evening a grand chariot, drawn by fourbeautiful white horses was driven into the room by ourchairman Allen Frost. As the chariot charged around the room,he threw gold and silver roman coins at us and wished us luckin the future. Wowy, wow. What an incredible evening. Youcan take pictures and videos of all this, but it will never capturethe fantastic atmosphere that was there that night. All amongst,basically the same, colleagues and friends, who went all overthe world with you to these kinds of experiences. A travellingprivate chairman’s club. 295

Chapter 21 One day we visited the Vatican. There was about onehundred Abbey Life people and another hundred tourists.There were about ten guides there to show us around. Eachguide held a tall pole with a coloured flag at the top: so thegroup knew how to keep in touch with their guide by followingthe colour. Me and Ann were in a group with our close friendsof Abbey Life. We were enjoying the tour when I suddenlynoticed that Ann was not beside me. Disaster, she had lost thecolour. There were so many people there, that once thathappened, it was nearly impossible to find your group. Annended up with the Indian group of Abbey Life for the rest ofthe tour which went on for at least a couple of hours. TheIndians were nice people, but not our people, and Ann wasreally pissed off. When the tour was over and we came outside,I quickly found Ann, but not quick enough. Ann was veryannoyed and upset. She had been looking forward to this tourbecause she was a catholic, although not a practising one. The next day, I arranged for just me and Ann, to go backand tour the Vatican by ourselves. Without the Abbey Lifecontingent there were not so many people on this day and theVatican looked smaller. Ann commented that she couldn’tunderstand how she had lost our group. But I said to her thatbecause it was so crowded and it was the first time we had beenthere, we were excited and yesterday it looked a totallydifferent place. By luck we found a guide who spoke goodEnglish and was very knowledgeable. He told us that a total of91 popes are buried in crypts in the grotto in St. Peters Basilicain Rome. This including popes like Innocent IX, Benedict’s XIIand XV, Pius XI and Paul VI. But not all the Popes are buriedand kept for display inside the Vatican. We then joined anothergroup and went underground to see to see the popes that wereburied there. It was very atmospheric down there and you felt 296

Chapter 21the time of different centuries upon you. Some of the carvingswere eerily lifelike and mesmerising. Ann was very moved. Wealso had more time to see the ´Holy Door` in the walls of StPeter’s basilica. We agreed that although it had gone slightlywrong the day before, this more than made up for it. We cameout of the Vatican and strolled down to the Sciacca Caffe for acoffee. As we walked, the sun came out and it was nice to feelthe gentle heat. Ann said, “Roy what a wonder full day andeverything seems so peaceful now.” After the convention, we went home on a speciallychartered flight, only for Abbey life’s CC. Home to ourwonderful house in Kingswood, Surrey and to our wonderfullifestyle. I now had a life that I had worked and planned forsince the first moment I had met Ann. She made everythingpossible and I did the rest. Later that year Abbey had a theme night for its executiveassociates at The Inter-Continental, London, Park Lane. Blacktie, twenties style. Reception was on the ground floor, wherethere was a 12-piece, jazz band and champagne cocktails wereserved. Then we were to proceed downstairs for our meal andentertainment, ´Cotton club style.` Ann and myself were servedcocktails and then we went into a corner to watch everyonearrive in their different twenty style costumes. Wonderfuldresses, the men, hair slicked back, little neat moustaches.Everyone had made a tremendous effort to portray the timeand the jazz band were really good. The next moment, I wasjust starting my main course. “Ann, what was the starter?”Never drink more than two champagne cocktails before a meal.Brussels convention was not looked forward to as much as the others: because of its city location. Associates preferred 297

Chapter 21more exotic locations, where they could let their hair down andafter the convention, bring their children over for a familyholiday. For some reason that I am not aware of, thisconvention was fairly low key. Still, I had never been toBrussels and was determined to make the best of it. The hotelwhere we were to stay was 30 stories high. So as thisconvention perhaps wasn’t going to be so good, I decided tomake the most of the hotel. I did some homework on it. Thefirst 26 floors were rooms. 27 and 28 were suites and 29 was thepresidential suit, or as we say, the business. 30 was the librarywhich could only be used by floors 27,28 and 29. When me andAnn went to the library there was never anyone there. I contacted the Hotel directly and spoke to the manager. Hewas looking forward to Abbey coming over and was veryhelpful to me personally. He told me my room was on the 15thfloor. I thought “Fuck that” and asked him if the presidentialwas available. To my surprise he said it was. I then asked him,if I reserved the presidential suit would he deduct the roomAbbey had reserved for me and as I was an Abbey LifeChairman’s club member, would he also give me a very, verygood price on the presidential suite. The answer was yes, yes,no problem. The difference was 200 pounds for the whole 6days. Amazing. The suite was enormous. Two large bedrooms,two bathrooms, a cloakroom and a very spacious sitting roomwith an office section with all the technology you could everwant. Too much for just Ann and me. No, I like to be fuckingflash. After being born and bred in a council flat and workingmy bollocks of for thirty years, why not. Me and Ann comefrom dire poverty. No one ever gave us a penny. Never ever.We were on Bupa: so, took nothing from the NHS. We neverwanted children: so we never received children’s allowanceand of course never took money from the NHS for fertility 298

Chapter 21treatment. Ann was on the contraceptive pill for many years.We paid our taxes all or working life and higher rate for manyyears. When Ann died, for all her treatment the bill came to33,000 pounds which was paid by Bupa. Which of course waspaid by us. I worked out, that we had paid Bupa, on averageabout 200 pounds a month for 25 years which totals 60,0000pounds. Now if you were paying that into a savings policy for25 years you would at least expect to double your money to120,000 pounds. So, don’t worry, Bupa are still well ahead ofthe game. And now because I’ve lost all my money andcouldn’t afford the very high premiums: in later life, they willstay ahead of the game. Ah, well, back to the convention. We got a taxi from theairport to the hotel. The first thing the taxi driver said was italways rains in Brussels and it did. We found some very goodrestaurants in the city and one picture gallery, the BrusselsRoyal Museum of Fine Arts, was exceptional. When going toone restaurant by taxi, as we were going through a tunnel a caractually overtook us and our driver had to brake fast to stophitting the back of it. We skidded and just missed a brick pillar,we were very shocked. Princess Diana had died only monthsbefore in a similar situation. The Grand Ball, at the Imperial Palace was a night toremember. Everyone attended in the correct dress code, believeme, that takes some doing. We literally danced the night away.Only interrupted by good food and impeccable service. Onstage, Jimmy Tarbuck, Vic Damone and others, entertained. Wehad a wonderful night and finally back at our hotel we steppedinto a biggish elevator to take us to our rooms. As it went up, itstopped at various floors for people to get out, until there wereonly three couples left. Allen Frost, Chairman, and his wife.Michael Hepher, Managing Director and his wife and Ann and 299

Chapter 21myself. Floor 27, MD and wife got out, we all said goodnight.Floor 28 Chairman and wife got out and Allen said in a voicethat broke a little in the middle. “Are you the next one up?”“Yes” I replied, “The Presidential Suite.”Monte Carlo: Seven hundred had qualified and six hundred and ten were going: on the holiday of a life timeor a hundred lifetimes. Chairman’s Club members, which included me and Ann.The very elite of Abbey Life. Only about two hundred andsixty, including their partners, had an extra, very classyconvention added on to the main one. In this case, for four days.For one day and night we stayed at ´The Grand HotelIntercontinental` in Paris, and then on to Avignon. Avignon is a commune in south-eastern France in thedepartment of Vaucluse on the left bank of the Rhône river. Ofthe 90,194 inhabitants of the city, about 12,000 live in theancient town centre enclosed by its medieval ramparts. Strategically situated high above the river Rhône andencircled by medieval ramparts, Avignon's walled old town isa warren of cobbled streets, lantern-lit passageways andarchitectural treasures. Bathed in the extraordinarily brilliantProvençal light, this former papal enclave has long attractedartists and painters as well as those in search of culturaldiversion. When we arrived in our suite at the hotel, we noticed thatthere was a mosquito machine with mosquito tablets on thedressing table. They were obviously bringing to our attention, 300

Chapter 21the fact that there was mosquitos around. We immediately putthe tablets into the machine and plugged it in. The next day, at lunch, we were sitting next to an Abbey lifecolleague and his face was one mass of red blotches. He told usthat he had gone to bed and read a book. While reading, he fellasleep and when he awoke was covered in mosquito bites. Hehad forgotten to put the mosquito machine in, not turned thebedside lamp off and left the window open. Well, as I said tohim, he’s lucky to be alive. I remember putting on my sweatshirt, shorts and trainers,and then going for a run around the whole of the walled oldtown. I mention this, not to prove how fit I was, although I wasvery fit, but because of how I felt when I was running. I had nottaken any pep drugs or anything like that, in fact the oppositewas true, I’d been boozing quite a lot as you can imagine, on aholiday of this kind. When I was running, I felt like I was flying,running on air, which required no effort at all. I rememberrunning towards the medieval ramparts, to go back intoAvignon. I was on a slightly higher level to the city and couldclearly see the whole of the medieval wall surrounding it. Thesun was warm and low in the blue sky that was peppered withsmall white clouds that slowly moved across. As I run, it waslike there was little hoover craft machines under my trainers somy feet and legs felt no weight what so ever, I was flying along.I felt absolutely incredibly. Like meditation, when all the goodmoments in your life come together. When I first met Ann: Sarah at Liz’s place with Dave Bowiesinging ´cha cha cha Changes:` Being top of my class at school:winning the 100 yard sprint and Michelle walking around herapartment with nothing on, anxiously waiting for immediatesex. 301

Chapter 21 I’m remembering all these moments now, as I’m writingthis book and I’m crying my eyes out and nowhere to go.Except to the nackers yard. Sooner the better. I arrived back at our suite in the hotel. Ann was sunbathingon the terrace which had a Jacuzzi fitted. She said “How wasthe run.” I replied, “Yeh, it was good, I enjoyed it. How areyou?” She replied “Yeh, I’m ok.” I said “Don’t suppose youwant to make love now, do you?” She said, “Were both sweaty,so why don’t we jump into the jacuzzi and make love, wash oneanother while in there and then we’ll be already to dress for theevening.” There’s only one Ann. Very sexy, but also verypractical. Monte Carlo was a fantastic experience. Even if you hadbeen Donald Trump, you would have been impressed. Abbeyhad arranged a program of events for our enjoyment whichwas quite outstanding. The Monte Carlo Beach Club hotel wasincredible.(A member of the Relais & Châteaux network since itsrenovation by the famous interior designer India Madhavi, this5-star hotel has 14 suites and 26 rooms with a superb view ofthe Mediterranean. Guests of the Monte-Carlo Beach benefitfrom a personalised approach and exceptional services,revelling in the richness of experience for maximumenjoyment. By opening its doors the first weekend in March,the Monte-Carlo Beach marks the return of balmy weather bywelcoming guests to enjoy the first rays of the season aroundthe legendary Olympic-sized swimming pool, winner of thePrix Villégiature award for Best Hotel Pool in Europe, or on theterrace under the legendary pine trees offering delicious shade.It’s no wonder that season after season, discriminating clientsseek out the elegance and comfort of the Beach. 302

Chapter 21 Despite the many different trends and movements that havecharacterised the years since the 1930s, the Monte-Carlo Beachhas stood strong, promoting the Riviera way of life andincreasingly taking steps to help protect the environment. Experiencing the Beach also means experiencing its local,100% organic cuisine. The Monte-Carlo Beach Relais &Châteaux has its own Green Globe certified charter. Theseguidelines highlight many certifications and actions inenvironmental management, which can be summed up in itsmain programme, “Beach goes Bio!” Once again this year,Michelin-starred Chef Paolo Sari has designed a menu withdishes that respect nature and the Mediterranean environment.An advocate of healthy eating practices, Paolo Sari combineshigh flavour standards with his knowledge of wellness and adeep appreciation of the art of living and enjoyment. TheMichelin-starred Elsa restaurant embodies this extraordinaryphilosophy and is home to this remarkable chef’s beautifulorganic cuisine.) We had fantastic buffets at breakfast in the garden andbeach restaurants and the Gourmet evening restaurant wassuperb.One particular event that stays in the memory was, THE AIRSHOW.The Royal Navy and Royal Airforce will shatter the calm onMonte Carlo for you with the greatest air show ever seen in theskies over the principality.YOU WILL SEE.Display by Gazelle Helicopter. 303

Chapter 21Rescue demonstration by Sea King HelicopterThe famous ´Sea Harrier`And The Red ArrowsThis will be the most spectacular event that has ever beenproduced at the Abbey Life convention. You can watch thedisplay from any vantage point along the coast, but the bestviews will be anywhere between Loews Hotel and the BeachPlaza Hotel.the commentary on the Display, will be broadcast by Radio Riviera 104.1 FM from about 4.04pm (after the news). (Radios with headphones only on the beaches, but at the beach club you may use a transistor radio without the head phones for the duration of the Airshow.)The display was fantastict to watch and to think that this wasall put on for the Abbey Life assocciates. Although of course,there were hundreds of other people watching. 304

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Chapter 21This is the order of Conventions. The following events and highlights of each Convention is described out of order.Austria 1982Villa D’Este, Set in Cernobbio, on the shores of Lake Como, theHotel is located a few kilometres from the Swiss border and 50minutes from Milan. 1983Boca Raton, USA 1984Hong Kong 1985Sea Princess, Voyage 1986Sardinia 1987Monte Carlo 1988Singapore and Bali 1989Orlando USA 1990Rome 1991Scottsdale, Arizona, USA 1992Switzerland 1993Hong Kong 1994 2nd time. Before the handover of itssovereignty to the People's Republic of China on 1 July 1997.New York 1995Mexico 1996Thailand 1997Bruges, Brussels 1998Los Angeles and Palm Springs 1999Florida 2000 307

Chapter 21Scottsdale, Arizona, was an exceptionally good convention. Scottsdale is a city in the eastern part of Maricopa County,Arizona, adjacent to the Greater Phoenix Area. NamedScottsdale in 1894 after founder Winfield Scott andincorporated in 1951 with a population of 2,000, the populationof the city is estimated to be 236,839 according to the U.S.Census Bureau. The New York Times described downtownScottsdale as \"a desert version of Miami's South Beach\" and ashaving \"plenty of late night partying and a buzzing hotelscene.\" Its slogan is \"The West's Most Western Town.\" There is no doubt that the Americans know all abouthospitality. The first event we went on was “Breakfast with theCowboys.” This involved twenty five jeeps. Each jeep housedone cowboy and four guests. We took off at eight am. Thesecow folk are early risers. They drove us into the desert and themountains. One mountain, Camelback Mountain is a mountainin Phoenix, Arizona, United States. The English name isderived from its shape, which resembles the hump and head ofa kneeling camel. The mountain, a prominent landmark of thePhoenix metropolitan area, is located in the CamelbackMountain Echo Canyon Recreation Area between the Arcadianeighbourhood of Phoenix and the town of Paradise Valley. The cowboys then prepared breakfast for us. Around thecampfire of course. Baked, baked, because they were doublebaked, beans. Bread toasted by the camp fire and coffee brewedstrong. So strong I didn’t sleep for two days after. Or was it one,I was so pissed most of the time I can’t remember. We werethen taught how to fire guns. A cowboy then challenged me toa quick draw: to see who was the fastest. I had my gun out ofthe holster long before him, if the gun had been loaded, hewouldn’t be here now and I would be on the run, from the law. 308

Chapter 21 The next event was the western, cowboy town with a rodeoextravaganza. A wild west town, just like on the movies, hiredout for the evening, by Abbey Life and of course only for theirassociates. Letters had been left in our suites to inform us onwhat to wear for this occasion. Obviously, cowboy and cowgirldress. At the entrance of the town, we were handed Stetson hatsand bandanas, plus cowboy/girl money. We all roamed aboutthe town looking for trouble, which occasionally found us. Allof a sudden there was gunfire. The local bank was being heldup and the sheriff and his men had been waiting in ambush.There were gunshots everywhere, a deputy who had beenfiring from the roof was shot and he came tumbling down andhit the ground. These weren’t just cowboys, they were veryprofessional stuntmen as well. This was thirsty work, so meand Ann went into the saloon for a drink and came out withtwo Budweiser’s. We mixed with colleagues and their partnersfrom my Crawley branch and made our way down to the rodeowhich was just about to begin. The rodeo was the first and only one me and Ann had beento. The whole show was fantastic. The riders compete in eventslike roping, barrel racing, bull riding, and more. It's a ton offun, whether you're a long-time rodeo fan or you're just gettinginto the fastest growing sport in America. Now it was time to go into the barbecue area of the townand have our evening meal, cowgirl/ boy style. The food wasgood, but definitely not gourmet style. Thick steaks but verytender, grilled then served with a verity of sauces. Chicken,fish. Something for everyone. Next stop, the casino. This cowboy money is burning a holein my pocket. The venue was set within big tents, with manydifferent gambling outlets, the main ones being the roulettetable and throwing the dice. The floor was dirt dusty and the 309

Chapter 21air was smoky, all the furniture was antique western. After awhile you really felt the old west atmosphere. After a longerwhile! And a few more drinks, you really started to think youwere in the wild west. I was at the table throwing the dice. I was in a bad way,losing a lot of cowboy money. This was my last chance torecuperate some of it; I threw the dice. All bad, I had losteverything. Then suddenly I felt like it was real money and Ihad this feeling deep within me that I had to get some moremoney to win it back. And for a minute or two, I was in thatvicious circle that I suppose real gambling puts you. Wow, ittook me a few minutes to come out of it. I realised how lucky Iwas that I had no interest in gambling whatsoever. For me,life’s enough of a gamble. Then we went over to see, hear and dance to a terrificcountry and western, rock group. The lead singer had a reallygood voice and the group played very tight. Great to dance too.Me and Ann danced the night away. At one time we had abreak from the dancing and sat next to an American couple. Wewere surprised because they weren’t Abbey. He said they hadbeen invited by our company. He was the local sheriff of thecounty. He certainly looked impressive. He also said that hecould recognize from my dancing, that I was a very fit man.And that’s why I have put him in this book. We left at about one thirty and the group was still playing.When we arrived back at our hotel, we went straight to oursuite. Some of the others went to have a final drink at the pool.In our apartment we sat down and had a nightcap before wegot ready for bed. Me and Ann looked at one another and Annsaid, “I can’t believe tonight, it was incredible. How could youever forget that?” Also my wonderful, marvellous wife, hadtaken about fifty photos of it all, just in case. 310

Chapter 21 Five thirty am. Up and ready to go to the desert for hot airballooning. Only the top ten producers of business in the wholeof the company for that year qualified for this event.Phoenix hot air balloon rides offer scenic views of the ruggeddesert landscape of Arizona. We will have the ultimate vantagepoint of the Sonoran Desert from our balloon over NorthPhoenix as the sun wakes up the day. Wildlife is in abundancein certain areas, and we'll often see quail, jackrabbits,cottontails, and sometimes the occasional coyotes, mule deer,javelina, roadrunner, and others from our hot air balloon’sbasket. The peaceful majesty of silent flight is shown to the bestability, but one really has to experience a hot air balloon´s flightfirst-hand in order to truly appreciate how ballooning cancompletely captivate the soul. We were wearing comfortable casual clothes, with trainers,because believe it or not, the most dangerous part about hot airballooning is getting in and out the fucking balloon. Theyinflate the balloon and then start very carefully to light the gasjet. This takes about an hour and during this time me and Annwere talking to Michael Silver and his partner. We had come toknow them over the years through the conventions. Also thepilot, who was a young lady introduced herself to us anddescribed some of the things we would be seeing today. Shealso mentioned little safety tips, like, don’t try and light acigarette up there, or your be back down here earlier thanexpected.The flight was very enjoyable and we were happy to haveexperienced another of Abbeys amazing events.Sardinia was fabulous, we stayed at the Hotel Romazzino: a Luxury Hotel which nestles in splendid isolation, within 311

Chapter 21perfumed gardens on a coastline celebrated for its wild beauty.Scented myrtle and Mediterranean flowers, dazzling whitebeaches and the transparent water of the fabled CostaEsmeralda. Six of us went sailing in the Cariad 1. The yacht itself,coming from the Summers & Payne yacht builder in the UnitedKingdom the CARIAD I is 36 metre 118 (ft.) in length.Superyacht CARIAD 1, can accommodate up to 6 passengerswith 5 professional crew. She can reach a maximum speed of10 knots. One of the couples on board, were Alex and Olive Querns,from Edinburgh, Central. We had met them on previousconventions around the world and really enjoyed theircompany. They had done it all and were very interestingpeople to talk with. After being on deck for a while, seeing thewonderful views and surrounding islands, we then went downto the lower deck for lunch and drinkies. This was in theimpressive saloon, pub. Oak panelled walls and leatherupholstered seats. A lovely place to talk about all we hadenjoyed so far on this convention. Tennis with David Lloyd. David was organising the AbbeyLife tennis tournament on this Sardinia convention. Ann andme were both going in for it. Ann won her first two matches. As I wasn’t playing at thetimes she was, I was able to watch. I always enjoyed seeing Annplay tennis, I had put a lot of time and work into teaching herto play. Also in the last few years, having her coached by aprofessional. She wasn’t a natural tennis player but the tuitionhad paid off and now she was quite an accomplished clubplayer. If you lost concentration, she`d beat you. Ann then played Janice Hepher, the chairman’s wife. Thematch went to three sets and Janice just won the final set, seven 312

Chapter 21games to five. There was a bit of controversy at the end, withthe last few points. Some said, that the line judges, who wereAbbey staff, were bias against Ann because Janice was MrsChairman. Personally, I refuse to comment. Ann really enjoyed the whole of the tournament andespecially this last match with Janice. Ann felt that it was herbest match so far and instead of feeling bad about losing, feltexhilarated. I learned a little more about Ann every day. Now it was my turn to take part in the men’s tennistournament. No, don’t stop reading. I didn’t behave badly oruse to much sportsmanship, just enough. There were twoplayers taking part, that were better than me. I can’t remembertheir names, if I could, I would, as I’m sure by now you realise.One was a county player: that’s a player who is one level below,who you watch at Wimbledon. Number one: there was nochance of beating him, it would simply be, how many games Icould manage to win, if any. Two: he shouldn’t have beenallowed to enter a tournament where everyone was a clubplayer. A club player to a county player, well you might as wellbe playing Andy Murray. So we will call him Andy. The otherplayer was a very good club player who practised with Andywhenever they met up on conventions. We will call him,Alaistair and he was a Scotsman. Unfortunately, I was drawn to play Alaistair in the firstround. We began play on his serve. He won the first threepoints, comfortably from the base line. He then served, I playedthe ball back to him, he hit a class forehand to my backhand; Iplayed a poor backhand, which fell short, he hit a deep shot tomy forehand and came into the net. I played another poor shotand all he had to do was put it away. He played a classbackhand volley, to finish the point. Not a point to him, but tome. He had, had the easiest of volleys to win the point, instead 313

Chapter 21the ball went straight down into the net. I knew then, that hewas still pissed from the night before. Once I knew this, thatwas his lot. I thought, I’m not going to have many chances tobeat a player of his calibre, so I’m going to make sure that I takethis one. I just brought him to the net and sometimes lobbed. Ikept the rallies going for as long as possible and gave him a lotof spin. I won six – one, six – three. I think he was disappointed,because by the time the game was over, he was sober. I proceeded to win my matches, until I reached the final.And we all know, who I met then. Andy Murray, no I meanAndy the county player. Although it might as well have beenAndy Murray, at least I could have asked for his autograph.Andy wasn’t quite as fit as the other Andy, he was just afraction, tubby. So my only chance, not to be totally outclassed,was to move his fat bum around the court and occasionallybring him to the net and lob. As he came to the net to play a classic volley to either side-line, occasionally I was able to suddenly lob him. It was a nicefeeling to see his fat bum chase back. He won the match six –two, six – three. So I had certainly done myself justice andplayed well enough for the watching crowd to feel, they hadseen a reasonably competitive match. I suppose, I felt like my wife Angela, in so much as, I hadplayed a very good match and lost. I had not been put off byhis reputation and to play someone of his standard was ofcourse, a good experience. Having said that, unlike Ann, Iwould have preferred, that when he was running back, toretrieve one of my lobs. He would have slipped and sprainedhis ankle and I would have won the title. Still, as a girl once saidto me. Catch you next time and she did, and it cost me a lot ofmoney. 314

Chapter 21 Going to these wonderful conventions and holidays, allover the world, does sometimes, have its downside. Flying to Hong Kong, one of the cabin crew informed usthat we were going into turbulence and to put our seat belts on.She then went on to explain the various procedures, if the worstwas to happen, if we landed on the sea, etc. I couldn’t quitegrasp, how a Boing 757 would land on the sea without breakinginto a million pieces. The plane went into terrible turbulence. I’m sure a lot ofpeople have suffered turbulence on a plane, so had we but thiswas something far worse than normal. The plane fell and keptfalling, until you started to think, is this an air pocket or enginefailure. You then went on to think, how long will it fall beforeit hits the ground. Panic starts to grip you in its sweaty handsand accordingly, you start to sweat with fear. After what seemslike a lifetime, the plane gets through the turbulence andeverything is back to wonderful normality. It’s surprising howquick you forget your terror and get back too feeling safe again,next to the woman you love. Then the turbulence, happened all over again. This time itwent on longer and the plane rocked and bounced and fell likea fucking brick. This dreadful turbulence happened three times. Each timewas worse than the one before. The third time it happened, wegenuinely believed we were going to die and that’s when allfear left me. I only worry, if something in life goes wrong and Icould have prevented it. With this, it was out of my control, Idon’t know how to fly a plane. So just sit back in your seat beltsand hopefully your soon be dead without too much pain. Ahmen. Of course we didn’t crash and I’ve lived to tell the storey,the good thing that came out of this, was that I was not nervous 315

Chapter 21of flying anymore. I had never been afraid but just a littlenervous: take off and that. Now when we take off, I’m readinga newspaper or a book and don’t even notice we’ve taken off.It’s in someone else’s hands, there’s nothing I can do about it.Hong Kong itself was a very interesting, exciting convention. It’s a very diverse and lively city where itwould be hard to get bored. Combines a vibrant mixture of theWest and East world with soaring skyscrapers, endlessshopping, street markets and delicious food. It’s also very busywith 8 million people that live there and could beoverwhelming for some. Unfortunately, most of my records forthis convention have been lost in recent years, due to all themoving and distress that I have had in the last part of my life.But I will endeavour to remember what I can. The first event Abbey arranged for us, was the ´The greategg and spoon Chinese race.` Two very well-known celebritiesran the competition. So well known, I can’t remember them.Hold on, I’ve remembered one, Lance Percival. (John LancelotBlades Percival, known as Lance Percival, was an English actor,comedian and singer, best known for his appearances insatirical comedy shows of the early 1960s and his ability toimprovise comic calypsos about current news stories. He laterbecame successful as an after-dinner speaker.) We met up in one of the Hotel convention rooms that wasput by for us. We were split up into teams, four couples in eachteam. We were given details with directions, to enable us tofind landmarks in the city. Each landmark had a clue to thenext land mark. We also had a brochure with clues to the nextlandmark. I don’t remember which team won, but it was a greatway to find out, all about Hong Kong. I remember going on 316

Chapter 21their underground tube trains: they had no compartments, itwas just one very long train! Most of the time, the weather was very hot and cloudy.When you were, say shopping or perusing in shop windowsand the sun came out. Everyone panicked and ran for cover,because the sun started to burn your skin immediately and wasunbearable. One evening, we were all in a grand ballroom sort of roomhaving champagne cocktails before dinner. The managingdirector Allen Frost, who was standing next to this amazinglyfantastic ornamental fireplace, called for our attention and said,that the restaurant we were going to have dinner at, had, hadsome problems and could not accommodate us there that night.All other restaurants in the area, were full. So the hotel wereprepared to let us eat in their kitchen. We thought, blimey,what’s going on here, we’re used to better than this. Of course, it was a put up job. We walked into the biggestkitchen you could imagine. There were incredible, enormousice carvings of all different types of animals, the table andchairs laid out perfect and waiters, dressed impeccably,everywhere. Chicken, fish, squid, beef and many more were all broughtto our table, so we could see our fresh it was and then we couldsee them cook it. The wine flowed and each course, and therewere many, was perfection. What a fantastic night it turned outto be and what a fantastic company Abbey Life was to its bestassociates. Just to bring us back down to earth, Abbey had organised aday for us to visit the farmland of China. I am afraid I cannottell you all the details of where this was because, again I havemislaid a lot of the information in the past few years. Before wedeparted to our destination, we were told not to wear anything 317

Chapter 21ostentatious, because the people we were going to meet were,by our standards, very poor. I will never forget the time that weentered the station and boarded the train which was to take usto the farmland. Suddenly, from nowhere, we were mobbed byhundreds of young children and just managed to get onto thetrain. We took our seats and looked out at them, it was just likea horror show. They were all mutilated, amputated arms andlegs, all begging for money. A shocking site, that stays in themind forever. We then went to meet the families who work in thefarmland. They seemed happy to see us and show us aroundtheir, well it’s difficult to say, because it wasn’t a farm house ora house, just stones and wood put together which was Isuppose, their home. God, they were poor and we realised howfortunate we were to have been born on the right side of theearth. They were a very good looking people and the children,like beautiful little buddhas, with their lovely full lips andcherub cheeks. They kept their meat fresh by hanging it in a nethanging from the ceiling, within a stoned corner of their house.This was in 1985, I believe things have improved since then, Icertainly hope so. The whole day was a sobering experienceand I was glad to leave and get back to our hotel: back in thefirst world. (Tens of millions of Chinese peasants have been affected bythe loss of their land in the past two decades. This has givenrise to many disputes, which in many cases have culminated inphysical resistance to land takings and evictions. Wrongfultakings have been among the factors preventing thedevelopment of a sound law on land tenure and propertyrights. The principal cause of the phenomenon of land grabs isChina’s rapid urbanization, estimated to see the migration ofhundreds of millions more Chinese people into urban areas 318

Chapter 21within the next few decades. To handle the land disputes inrural China is an important challenge faced by Chinese society.If they are not handled well, the resulting protests mayultimately lead to major social and political upheaval.) Someone once asked me what was Hong Kong airport like,I replied don’t remember. Afterwards when I thought moreabout this I realised that although I have been to over thirtydifferent airports all over the world I don’t remember any ofthem. I will remember occasions when we unexpectedly metfriends at airports, when one or the other of us were waiting forconnections, but not the airports. The only thing I want from anairport is to get through it as quickly as possible. Of course withall the security now that’s not possible. When’s technologygoing to beam us up Scotty, Skype doesn’t quite fit the bill andall I see of the future generation is that they will all have chronicrheumatism in their already deformed thumbs, an illnesswhich will be called mobile tendonitis.Villa D’Este, Lake Como. Experience the splendour, the grandeur, the intrigue and the magic of Villa D’Este anopulent hotel overlooking glorious Lake Como. Hailed as oneof the best hotels in the world by Travel & Leisure, Condé NastTraveller and Forbes Traveller, this famous resort destinationhas been widely praised for its beautiful gardens, exquisitecuisine, gala celebrations, impeccable décor and extraordinaryhospitality. This convention was solely for Chairman’s club, the verytop producers at Abbey. We enjoyed the hotel and theconvention very much, although we felt it was very formal.Nearly every night was black or white dinner jacket and bow.We knew beforehand that this was going to be the case, so I had 319

Chapter 21spoken with one of the convention team to ask them if therewas a nearby hotel that was elegant but a little more relaxedwhere me and Ann could go onto after the convention. She saidthere was an hotel that was ideal for just that. Four star, thehotel was new and only opened nine months ago, had a goodrestaurant, tennis courts. Situated only twenty minutes awayand looking over the lake. When we arrived there, we were met by two of the staff andvery professionally shown to our rooms where miraculouslyour cases were waiting for us. A big beautiful stylish roomoverlooking the lake, with a marble bathroom and jacuzzi. Thefirst night in the lounge, before going into dinner, the managerLorenzo, came up to us and introduced himself. A nice lookingguy, about twenty six years of age and very Italian. Therestaurant was surprisingly good and the stylish bar was idealfor the vodka Martinis that me and Ann liked, although weonly ever had one and then went on to another drink less mindbending. The pool was beautiful with shrubs and delicate green treeson one side. The other side of the pool area looked over the lakewith just a small walkaway between. The manager and hisgirlfriend relaxed at the pool quite often and we slowly got toknow one another. Although Lorenzo was employed full time,he was still continuing with his Business management studieswhere he hoped to achieve his degree. His girlfriend, Kayley,was an air hostess. Blond, American and gorgeous. I playedtennis with Lorenzo a few times on the hotels courts, we wereabout the same standard. He promised that we would all havea night out together before our holiday came to an end. On the last night of our stay at the hotel, we were in therestaurant and had given up on the idea of having a night outwith them. Fair enough, he was always working and seemed to 320

Chapter 21have little time for leisure. The time now was ten thirty in theevening and we had to leave early the next day to catch ourflight back to the UK. Then just as we were finishing our coffee,Kayley came up to us and said that Lorenzo was now free forthe rest of the evening and would we care to join them; hewanted to take us to his favourite night club. Me and Annlooked at one another, it was sort of one of those moments ofno return, if we went there was a good chance that we wouldmiss our flights but it was always nice to check out these places.Kayley seemed to read our minds and said, “Lorenzo promisedthat you will not miss your flights tomorrow.” In for a penny,in for a pound. Unfortunately, the night club was brilliant and we had agreat time. We drank a lot, danced a lot and laughed a lot. Ifound Kayley to be a very beautiful intelligent sexy girl andLorenzo found Ann to be a very beautiful intelligent sexy girl.The four of us were totally tuned into one another and it wasso good that at one stage I thought where the fuck is all thisgoing? We were soon to find out. We left the club and Lorenzoinvited us back to his spacious apartment with a terraceoverlooking trees, greenery and the lake, a lovely atmosphere.Lorenzo put some background music on and Kayley producedsome cannabis: it was good stuff and we soon felt really chilledout, relaxed and happy. I began talking to Kayley on the sofaand Lorenzo danced slowly with Ann. Kayley leaned forward,with her natural blond hair and clear blue eyes and slightlyopened pouting mouth she was very fetching and we kissedand then slightly parted and looked at one another and realisedwe wanted to fuck. At the corner of my eye, I saw Lorenzo andAnn passionately kissing one another. I went back to snoggingKayley, it was very sexual, she then stood up and slipped herdrees off and then her bra so allowing her lovely breasts to hang 321

Chapter 21free, her nipples ready to be sucked. I was just about to take herpanties down when a scared sort of feeling came over me, itwas like your soul was going to be fucked and your being, in adetrimental way, would never be the same again. I said, “Ann its two am., we’ve got an early flight today, we haveto get some sleep.” “Yes your right, let’s go” And with that we went and as we went I saw the look ofdisbelief cover Lorenzo’s face as he couldn’t quite grasp whatwas happening or what was now, not happening. He had thegolden pussy in his hand and now he’d lost it. phew, that wasclose. The next morning, or should I say the same day, we awokewith the alarm at eight thirty am., we’d managed five hourssleep and both woke up with headaches. Believe me Ann wasnot happy, nothing to do with Lorenzo or Kayley, but withhaving to rush everything to catch the flight. Ann always doeseverything perfect and correct and never likes to rush. When we were back home, we discussed what hadhappened and both agreed that it was difficult to be annoyedor unhappy about it, we had had a terrific time with Lorenzoand Kayley and we both liked them so much that if partnerswapping had been on the agenda then they would have beenthe ideal couple. Me and Ann also knew that we were veryhighly sexed and if we had got into that, who knows what theoutcome would have been. Ann did say that Lorenzo was alovely man and was very attracted to her, he also said somewonderful complimentary things to her, mmm. About a month after this, one Sunday morning; me and Annhad been out on the tiles the night before and were still in bedwhen the phone rang. I answered and it was Lorenzo, he hadjust arrived at Gatwick airport and needed some where to stay 322

Chapter 21for a couple of nights until he could find accommodation. Hehad left Kayley in Italy for now until he had found a properplace for them to stay. He was here to further his businessmanagement studies. I put my hand over the phone and saidto Ann no way and she nodded her agreement. I said that wewere today going away to Ann’s parents for a couple of weeksso it was not possible for him to stay with us, sorry and put thephone gently down. He had our phone number but not ouraddress and we didn’t hear from him again. He probablycouldn’t get Ann out of his mind, like I couldn’t get Michelle inthe office out of my mind. This was another Michelle who I willtell you about later.Los Angeles and Palm Springs, 1999. We stayed at The Century Plaza Hotel, which is a landmark 19-story luxuryhotel forming a sweeping crescent design fronting fountains onAvenue of the Stars, adjacent to the twin Century Plaza Towersand the new 2000 Avenue of the Stars complex which housesFidelity Investments, Comerica Bank, UBS WealthManagement, and talent agency CAA. Venice Beach is nice because it's so big and you can get a lotof different experiences from one area. Toward the pier ispretty quiet and has a nice stretch of sand where you can relaxto basically just the sound of the waves. As you walk closer tothe Muscle Beach/Boardwalk area, it definitely gets busier. Wehad lunch at the Boathouse on Santa Monica Pier. With the bestview of the beach and great margaritas. Lunch was served onthe patio overlooking the beach. A buffy with the best freshesttasting king prawns, I have ever had, accompanied by threedifferent types of roast potatoes and big chips and grilled 323

Chapter 21vegetables. I thought I was sufficiently covered, even wore asun hat, but the sun caught the back of my neck a bit, so had towear a white bandana for the next few days. We then, with all the other Abbey Life Qualifiers, went overto see the walk of fame. The Hollywood Walk of Famecomprises more than 2,600 five-pointed terrazzo and brassstars embedded in the sidewalks along 15 blocks of HollywoodBoulevard and three blocks of Vine Street in Hollywood,California. The stars are permanent public monuments toachievement in the entertainment industry, bearing the namesof a mix of actors, musicians, directors, producers, musical andtheatrical groups, fictional characters, and others. The Walk ofFame is administered by the Hollywood Chamber ofCommerce and maintained by the self-financing HollywoodHistoric Trust. It is a popular tourist destination. I only tookone photo of the walk of Fame, Steve McQueen. We left theCentury Plaza hotel, after five days and moved on to PalmSprings. There we stayed at the La Quinta Resort and Club,remember Tony who preferred the summer, for a further fivedays. One evening when we were having cocktails at the LaQuinta, we were suddenly surrounded by movie stars andfamous people. Jack Nicholson came up and shook my handand then went over to Ann and gave her a hug. I watched himcarefully, we all know what a dirty fucker he is, he’d have herin the loo before you could say, take your panties down.Harrison Ford tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I’mHarrison Ford, how are you.” Marilyn Monroe made anentrance and that’s when I thought, the cocktails we weredrinking, were perhaps the best cocktails we had ever had,because I knew she was dead. I looked back at Ann and sawshe had gone up in the world, she was now with Bill and 324

Chapter 21Hillary Clinton, the president of America and his first lady.Cher, the singer, was there, couldn’t see Sonny and Lucille Ball,the actress of I Love Lucy, was waving at us. Then it slowly, notto slowly, dawned upon me, that these people were not whowe thought they were, but famous lookalikes. Wow, they hadme fooled for all of ten seconds. I enjoyed having my picturetaken with Marilyn, because the girl impersonating her wasbetter than the real thing. She was gorgeous and spoke to mevery nicely. When she put her arm around me for the photo tobe taken, she gave me a squeeze. It was lovely. The food at the La Quinta was superb and every morning Ireally looked forward to the breakfast buffet. This took placeon the grass lawns of La Quinta, surrounded by full green leaftrees. The tables and chairs were excellently laid out and theservice was impeccable. The food was so fresh, with such a lotof choice, ten different types of omelette, seven different breadsand rolls. After this convention I took my bread more seriously.A wonderful way to start the day and the days were so warmand sunny. Every day was a joy. We had a dine around evening: where Abbey associatescould choose out of six different restaurants, the one theywanted to dine in. We chose “Kobe” the Japanese restaurant.Fantastic place. It was totally full, an amazing mix of peoplefrom all over the world. Two chefs worked in the kitchen whichwas in the middle of the restaurant. It had its stainless steelcooking plates with the extractor fans above and you sataround, while the food you had picked out, was being cooked.Then you took it back to your table and the enjoyment began.The food was marvellous and the house chardonnay was aperfect match. The spiciness of the food made the chardonnaytaste like the best wine I’d ever had. And believe me, I’ve had 325

Chapter 21some very expensive good wines as my bank statements willshow. The next day we went gliding, from Bermuda Dunes, weflew south past the polo grounds, over PGA West golf course,Lake Cahuilla, and The Quarry at La Quinta before rising abovethe 6,000-foot eastern ridge of the Santa Rosa Range. We saw the Salton Sea and the northern reaches of the AnzaBorrego Desert from a unique vantage point seen only by thefortunate few. Turning northwest, we flew along the ridgeclimbing steadily to 9,000 feet over the pine-covered top of ToroPeak opening a spectacular 360-degree vista encompassingAnza Borrego, Palomar Mountain, Anza, San JacintoMountain, Palm Springs, the entire Coachella Valley, and theSalton Sea. Wow! After taking in the view from Toro Peak, weshut down the motor and enjoyed a leisurely glide back to thevalley below. Then the pilot said, “Do you want me to do asomersault for you?” Before I could reply no, Ann said, “Yesplease” and he was off. Good God, one minute you were goingup to heaven, the next minute you are going down to hell. Mystomach was looking for the parachute, when the pilot said,“Shall we do it again?” Ann shouted, gleefully, “Yes do itagain.” And he did. I thought, fuck, I ain’t ever doing this again,but of course I would, it was a wonderful experience. To seeAnn’s face lighting up with enjoyment was a sight to behold,she really loved it and I think if the pilot had asked her if shewanted to fly the glider, she would have jumped at theopportunity. Ann had an incredible inner strength, which could controlmost situations, that would be beyond the capability of mostpeople. She had learnt how to focus, from when she had beena little girl, trying to stay alive. She just focused to keep stayingalive. When she was dying, she focused at keeping alive. She 326

Chapter 21wouldn’t die, the doctor had to finish her off with an extra doseof morphine. Now, I wouldn’t care how much pain she was in,as long as she was still with me. I’ve always been selfish. Back to Palm Springs. The Ranch night: must have taken alot of planning, it was a superb evening. We enjoyed all thepastimes, panning for gold and playing blackjack. The dancerswere brilliant and the rock group was really good. Me and Annhad a great time with old and new friends. We ate food fromthe barbecue, which only the cowboys know how to cook asgood as this, and all out on the prairie with log fires burning.What a sunset, a night to remember. As Kirk Douglas says inhis autobiography ´we spent the night out on the prairie andmade love under the stars.` But as you know, I go into my lovemaking in more detail than that.After the convention, which we had enjoyed so much, Ann and me decided to stay on for another seven days at theWyndham Bel Age Hotel, West Hollywood. (Sky-scraping views blend with a lazy poolside scene atthis happy-hour hideaway. Just off the main drag of the Sunsetstrip, the Bel Age has always been a cloistered and luxurioussanctuary in the midst of its rowdy environs. But it now offers\"Sunset over Sunset,\" happy hour with cocktails served on therooftop pool deck. Hotel guests and city slickers seeking escapecan lounge poolside, nosh on light appetizers and drink in thespectacular view that stretches from downtown to theHollywood Hills to the South Bay. The roof top pool area is out of this world! You cannot getviews like this anywhere in Los Angeles. Located on theterraced hillsides of West Hollywood, overlooking LosAngeles, the Wyndham Bel Age is truly an escape from the 327

Chapter 21ordinary. A favourite retreat for medical professionals,business travellers, and the entertainment industry alike. Original collection of artwork from five continents and anopen-air sculpture garden. Fitness centre, complete withuniversal equipment. Lifecycles and treadmills. Gift boutique.Full-service salon. Florist and antique gallery. 200 suites with private balconies, kitchens, and originalartwork. Spacious dressing area, with marble counters,shaving/make-up mirrors and hairdryers. In-room coffeemakers. Three dual-line phones what voice mail in each sui Rooftop pool, Jacuzzi and garden offering a panoramicview of the entire Los Angeles area The critically-acclaimed Diaghilev Restaurant, featuringcreative Franco-Russian fare. La Brasserie, featuring innovativeCalifornia cuisine. Live jazz at Club Brasserie, 24-hour suiteservice. The Wyndham Bel Age is only minutes from Beverly Hills,Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre, the Hollywood Bowl, UniversalStudios and Rodeo Drive. Downtown Los Angeles and the LosAngeles International Airport are only 30 minutes away.) Sanomor. We gave the Hollywood Bowl, a miss but spent alot of time on Rodeo Drive. Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hillsembodies all the glam of the big screen. Flagship locations forsome of the most prestigious brands in the world are lined up,all polished and elegant! Even if you aren't a shopper or if thisdoesn't fit your price range, there is so much to fill your vision- almost a museum or architectural experience. For you fashionand trend lovers - this is Paradise! Ann and I went to the Orangery Restaurant on severaloccasions while we were staying at the Wyndham Hotel. Veryposh, stylish and of course expensive but well worth themoney. A big restaurant, with beautiful furniture and 328

Chapter 21impeccable service. At this time me and Ann both smokedbetween courses but smoking was now being slowly phasedout within buildings. So the Orangery, overcame this bycreating an orangery within the building with seatingarrangements for about thirty tables. The best of both worldsand Ann and me took full advantage of it. We visited Universal Studios. When we arrived at theentrance, the sun was lovely and warm and in the air was thismelancholy atmosphere, which gave you a wonderful feelingof peace on earth. The only other time I had experienced thisfeeling before, and as you must now be aware of the fact thatI’ve been to some very exotic places all over the world, is whenwe were in Southern Ireland on a warm day. These two placeare just magical to me and Ann. With Ireland, I had the addedfeelings of knowing that this was where my lovely Ann wasbrought up as a little girl. As we were attempting to gain entrance to Universal, wewere becoming a little frustrated by the different charges andoptions available. A young American man of about thirty yearsof age, six foot three, well built, good looking, in other wordpretty impressive, came over to help. He just took over andsorted out everything we wanted. A terrific guy who was not apart of Universal, just another paying customer. He told us hisname was John. The whole day at universal was very enjoyable and ofcourse the weather was lovely. One ride, we went on was ´BackTo The Future.` There was a long que for this, we eventuallypayed for our ticket and then went into a big roomlike lift. Itseemed that the lift was descending for miles and every so oftena warning sign went up on the screen. ´DO NOT GO ON THISRIDE, IF YOU SUFEER FROM HEART PROBLEMS.` WhenAnn saw this her eyes lit up, she knew she was going to enjoy 329

Chapter 21it. It had the opposite effect on me. I knew I wasn’t, going toenjoy it. We came out of the lift and went into our seats which weresituated in a car like the one in the film. Rows of four peopleand then another four people behind. The seats were made ofthick steel, which made you feel like they had to be very strongto survive the experience before you. I am a man who likes tobe in control of situations and you didn’t have to be AlbertEinstein to know, that you wouldn’t the fuck, be in control ofthis one. The ride started and you felt that if you had not had heartproblems before, you might start suffering with them now. TheInstitute of Future Technology had thrown open its doors forvisitors to Universal Studios Hollywood to explore. It soonbecame clear, however, that not all is well… Biff Tannen wason the loose inside the building and he had theft of theDelorean on his mind. Would the Doc’s new 8 passenger timevehicle get up to speed and rise to the occasion? A spectacular totally-themed incredibly immersive 3Dmotion simulator ride with a specially made six minute ridefilm that literally took you back to the future. When it was over,I genuinely felt that the ride had lasted for about half an hour.Through the ride the car shook and bumped as it hit objects andhalf turned. A giant gorilla was about to eat my head as the car,which was flying at this stage, pulled away just in time andthen went hurtling down to oblivion and as you were going tohit the ground full on and at a terrible speed, pulling out andgoing up again. For me it was totally real, I believed that what I was goingthrough was real. When we suddenly fell and hurtled down, Ishut my eyes and thought I was going to die. But I should haveknown better, why? Because when it was all over and we 330

Chapter 21started to get out of the car, sitting in the seat on Ann’s otherside was big John.Sea Princess Voyage 1986: Can’t remember too much about this convention and have unfortunately lost the detailsduring the last part of my life. Because of the high level of business I had achieved, I wasin the top twenty this year, so we had a multi-room suiteonboard the Sea Princess. Very nice too. Lovely views and nosea sickness. We also had a crew member assigned to usthroughout the cruise, for the sole purpose of gently waking usup in the morning with tea and toast and informing us of thespecial events taking place that day. He was called anoutrageous name like boy gofer. Seriously, I’m not joking. Hewas a really nice guy and always impeccably dressed in hisuniform. This was John and Sue Alexanders first convention, Johnwas not only a colleague but him and his wife Sue were alsovery good friends of me and Ann. We had been to somewonderful parties at their house. Right, cutting off from this forthe moment, to describe a party at John and Sue`s house.A bad taste party. There’s nothing better to break the ice than afancy dress party like this. I came as a surgeon with little babies’limbs poking out of the pockets of my green surgeon’s apron,with green hat and mask. For some reason unknown to me, Iknow, I know, I was wearing a mask, an array of beautifulladies all wanted to talk to me and I was enjoying myself. Anncame as a devil with a red wig and horns. The girl friend of another working colleague, Peter Hudson,wouldn’t leave her alone. She wanted to dance with Ann allnight. I was starting to imagine a very pleasant threesome later 331

Chapter 21on in the evening. Quite frankly, I don’t think this other girlwould have let me near Ann once she had started on her. Then in walked, a beautiful petite Italian girl, dressed as anun. I was told that she was nineteen, but she looked muchyounger. She looked so pure and juvenile. You felt like youwanted to protect her from the terrible ways of the world. Shethen turned around and became a backless nun. At the back,the Nuns Habit Dress was cut away to show no tights, thebriefest of panties and the most beautiful bum I had everenvisioned. As you can imagine I was in her company most ofthe night. Ann didn’t mind, she was making friends elsewhereand still finding out if she enjoyed the company. At the end of the evening, the adorable Italian girl bentdown to my chair and kissed me good night. Although that wasvery nice, I knew that all the other males in the room wereenjoying a far better site than me. One of many terrific partieswith John and Sue. Back to the Sea Princess. So because this was John and Sue`sfirst night on their first convention we invited them to our suiteto sort of break the ice for them. Then we all went on deck forthe usual champagne cocktails before dinner. I don’t remember very much about the cruise, we must haveenjoyed it because if we hadn’t, I would have remembered; ofcourse I don’t have Ann here with now me to discuss it with. We sat with Stewpot and his wife one evening in therestaurant. That’s Edward Stewart Mainwaring, known as Ed\"Stewpot\" Stewart, I’m sure the older readers remember him,he was an English broadcaster. He was principally known forhis work as a DJ on BBC Radio 1 and Radio 2 and as a presenterfor Top of the Pops and Crackerjack on BBC Television. Another evening, in the restaurant, we sat at the captain’stable which of course was all rather grand. 332

Chapter 21 One port we visited was Greece. It was a time when theweather was exceptionally hot there, something like forty fivedegrees. Most of the convention went over, but about tenincluding Ann and me stayed on board the Sea Princess. As Ihave said before, the convention was a hard day’s night of sun,booze and fun. One mistake and you were grounded, whichthen spoilt a wonderful time. Me and Ann had fantastic timesbut you had to pace yourself!!! The firework display was phenomenal. It went on for aboutan hour or so from early evening as we were having ourcocktails before dinner. We all just stood around amazed andchatting as every type of firework in the book went off. we hada marvellous time experiencing this spectacular visualextravaganza which we've come to expect from an Abbey Lifeconvention.Singapore and Bali 1989. Truly exotic countries. In Singapore we stayed at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Shaped like theiriconic fan, Mandarin Oriental, Singapore is a five-star luxuryhotel in Marina Bay. Only minutes from the central businessdistrict and with a choice of fabulous restaurants and fantasticrooms, the ultimate urban retreat. The rooms offer stunningviews of some of Singapore’s most famous sites, includingBenjamin Sheares Bridge and the Singapore Flyer. Glass-enclosed granite bathrooms feature stand-alone baths, andwalk-in showers. On the first night we had a tropical party on the hotelspoolside terrace, off the fifth floor. Singapore sling and a choicefrom the tropical buffet. Very enjoyable but me and Ann soonhit the hay. It had been a long flight and we wanted torecuperate. 333

Chapter 21 The next morning we joined the tour, a chance to see someof the sights of Singapore and experience the mix of culturespresent in the city. The tour was partly by coach and partly onfoot. We visited the Chinese and Indian Temples and toChinatown and little India. We were then taken directly to theMandarin Hotel on Orchard Street, for lunch. The restaurantwas on the top floor. The Mandarin Hotels revolvingrestaurant. After that we went to Jurong Bird Park, one ofSingapore’s most popular attractions, the main features are thewalk in aviary and the parrot and birds of prey shows. Six thirty in the evening, we departed to the pier to embarkon junks for a cruise out to Kusu Island. Abbey Life had takenover Kusu Island for an informal Singapore evening. TypicalHawker fare was available from food stalls, and there was arange of Chinese, Malay and Indian entertainment. There wasalso the chance to have your fortune told. What more could youwant in life, one of those Chinese dancing girls would havedone me. Cor, there was one there, I could tell you. The returnjourney was by junk back to the pier, and from there by trishawback to the Oriental. Next day, partners spent the morning in the hotel kitchens,where they saw a demonstration of Singapore cookery and afood tasting. I spent the morning with the other members, atthe Chairman’s Club Business meeting. The curry lunch in theOriental ballroom was fantastic, a selection of curries to die for.Colonial Evening in the Oriental Ballroom. Cocktails anddinner in the Colonial tradition. A band will play for dancing.Morning, breakfast and off to Bali. In Bali we stayed at the NusaDua Beach Hotel & Spa, located on Bali’s southern peninsula,just 15 minutes from Ngurah Rai International Airport via theBali Mandara toll road. The hotel has welcomed kings and 334

Chapter 21queens, presidents and other dignitaries over the years. Eachguestroom is decorated with authentic Balinese furnishing andoffers stunning views of manicured tropical gardens or vistasof the ocean from the terrace or balcony. The 5-star Nusa DuaBeach Hotel & Spa, Bali features 3 outdoor pools and directbeach access. The resort resembles a Balinese palace withcomplete Spa facilities, 5 Restaurants and 4 Bars, meetingrooms and an outdoor theatre. The first evening we had a barbecue in the Hotels beachgarden. The next day, various tours or just relaxing at the beach. Evening, usual activities, Michael and Janice Hepher inviteyou to the poolside terrace for cocktails. Followed by a GalaDinner with a band playing for dancing. Next day, the highlight was the evening, where we wereinvited to a Balinese Village Night in the Temple Garden of thehotel. In our suite, they had laid on the bed, Balinese clothes forus to wear and get into the spirit of the coming event. BeautifulBalinese dancing girls entertained us and the men were askedto join in. You only had to ask me once. Terrific food and thecocktails were outrageous. Another memorable evening. In our program they included an article on Cultural Tips,which you may find amusing. The handshake is common, a slight bow to the Chinese, theelderly or people in groups, shows courtesy. Shoes are removed before entering most religiousbuildings. And me an Ann’s house. Jokes should not be made about food that is being served. Touching another’s head is impolite, (especially if yourjabbing it with your forefinger) when crossing the legs one knee 335

Chapter 21should be directly above the other knee. The foot or sole shouldnot be used to point or move objects, under no circumstancesmust it caress the pussy of a fellow diner that is siting oppositeyou. Finger gestures are considered rude, in particular neverbeckon with one finger, hitting the fist into the cupped hand isalso not to be recommended. Ok I added one or two things, but not much.Switzerland 1993. Unfortunately, I now don’t have any details on this convention and only one or two things thatstay in the memory. Ann and I went to a recommended night club; for somereason we had an argument. Cannot remember what it wasabout, but it ruined the evening sufficiently for us to decide wewanted to go back and enjoy it properly. The next night wereturned much earlier to take in the atmosphere and have alook around before it became busy. A very attractive night club,stage for a rock group, swimming pool, and a sort of lake witha bridge going over. Lovely views from windows before thenight came . We had taken none of this in, the previous night.At this time in the evening it was nearly empty but it was niceto see the interior and the fantastic scenery outside. We had noticed a group of young girls near the stage whenwe came in. There was about twenty of them, all aged aboutseventeen to eighteen. We were at the bar drinking our vodkaand tonics when the DJ spoke on his microphone and said, thatthey were all from a local finishing school and had finishedtheir final term today and were leaving to go back to their 336

Chapter 21homes tomorrow. They wanted to sing us a song to celebratethe occasion. (A finishing school is a school for young women thatfocuses on teaching social graces and upper-class-cultural ritesas a preparation for entry into society. The name reflects that itfollows on from ordinary school and is intended to completethe education, with classes primarily on deportment andetiquette, with academic subjects secondary. It may consist ofan intensive course, or a one-year programme. In the UnitedStates it is sometimes called a charm school. The 1960s marked the decline of the finishing school. Thiscan be attributed to the shifting conceptions of women's role insociety, as well as succession issues within the typically family-run schools and sometimes commercial pressures driven by thehigh value of the properties the schools occupied. The 1990ssaw a revival of the finishing school, although the businessmodel has been radically altered.) The girls were now up on the stage and ready to sing. Theywere done up to the nines, as we used to say in South Londonand looked gorgeous. The song they chose was Abba`s´Dancing Queen.` The band came on to back them and theystarted to sing, but not only sing, they pranced around pointingtheir noses up in the air, flashing their smiles and were veryprofessional. When their voices all came together at certaintimes in the song, it literally gave you goose bumps on yourskin. They had certainly put some practise in, to perform at thislevel. They were fantastic, unbelievably good and withinseconds I was crying my eyes out. Tears of happiness. All thesebeautiful young girls, just starting out in life and singing thissong was too much for me. Friday night and the lights are low 337

Chapter 21 Looking out for a place to go Where they play the right music Getting in the swing You come to look for a king Anybody could be that guy Night is young and the music's high With a bit of rock music Everything is fine You're in the mood for a dance And when you get the chance You are the dancing queen Young and sweet Only seventeen Dancing queen Feel the beat from the tambourine You can dance You can jive Having the time of your life See that girl Watch that scene Dig in the dancing queenBecause there was only a few people there, you really felt thatthey were performing just for you, but they performed, likethey were the guest stars at ´The London Palladium.` And onthis performance, they should have been. It was impressivestuff and me and Ann were so happy that we had come early.We felt very privileged to have witnessed such a wonderfulperformance by all these beautiful young ladies. 338

Chapter 21 We explored Zurich on a half-day sightseeing tour of thecity. We went on a luxury coach for a panoramic tour of topsights like the Swiss National Museum, the Zurich OperaHouse and the Old Town, and then took to the water for ascenic ferry crossing of Lake Zurich. We saw the grandarchitecture of Fraumünster Church and the Bahnhofstrasseand then gazed at sweeping Alpine vistas as we rode a cablecar to the vertiginous Felsenegg vantage point. At the top. Thecontrast between the snow and then half way down, the greenwas a sight I will always remember.Mexico. Only remember a taxi driver fiddling us out of so much money it would have made your eyes water. 339

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22 A wedding in Portsmouth *We were invited to the wedding of one of Ann’s nieces; it was taking place in Portsmouth. Me and Ann have been to so many wonderful parties,conventions and weddings, that it is not always easy toremember all the details and names. She was invited via Josey,a good friend and relative. We arranged to stay at a lovelyhotel, run by a French couple: a large old mansion, converted,very tastefully into a hotel. Excuse the pun, but that was not theonly thing that was tastefully done. The food was cooked in theFrench way, which was heaven to Ann and me. The hotel was conveniently situated: only a few minutes’drive from the church, the reception and Jose’s where we allgathered before we went to the church. We were going to stayat the hotel for two nights, during which time we would go tothe wedding and then go on to the Billesley Manor Hotel, inAlcester. On the morning of the day of the wedding, we met upat Josie’s house. Then we went to the church in the town, aCatholic church. A truly grand affair. The groom was an officerin the navy and all he’s colleagues were there in their officers’uniforms and very impressive they looked. The priest was tall,blond and very handsome. In other words he looked like amovie star. And when the proceedings began he was. I thinkhe even had face makeup on. He treated the whole event likehe was acting in a film, it was remarkable. As the happy couple 341

Chapter 22came down from the stage, yes it was set on a stage, all theofficers, there must have been about forty of them, raised theirswords to form an archway for them to walk under. Everyofficer had a look of determination, respect and love for theircomrade. The moment was truly inspirational. Blimey, Ithought, what a fantastic start to a wedding. The wholewedding ceremony was very impressive. The reception was held at the bride’s father and mothershouse, which turned out to be better than any grand hotel. Abig detached house in its own grounds, we arrived at 3pm.About half an acre of the property’s ground was put by as a carpark for the wedding reception. It was already nearly full. Wewalked into the house, a wonderful interior. Ultra-modernkitchen and utility rooms, the rest, dripping with antiques.Champagne cocktails were put into our hands and we sippedthem and chatted away; everyone there seemed to be happyand looking forward to the day’s festivities. There was areasonable size, long marque, from the house to the enormousmarque in the garden. The tables were set out immaculatelyand by the time we found our table I had drank two champagnecocktails, or was it three? Our table was laid for eight people. Stylish wealthy people,a good table, they must have known we were coming. Next tous, on my right side, there was a middle aged, verysophisticated couple. We sat down and the man, whose name Iwould like to have remembered, but cannot, I started talkingtoo. After a while he said to me in a complimentary way, “Ihave never met anyone so at ease and as relaxed as you.” I wasalways at ease and relaxed, after two champagne cocktails. The food and wines were excellent and even the speecheswere good. The atmosphere was wonderful. Not only was themarque set out terrifically well, but the knowledge of knowing 342

Chapter 22that it was next to a wonderful house and gardens with thearoma of fresh roses and rhododendrons occasionally driftingin, made it a very special occasion. One you were glad youweren’t missing. Everyone was having a terrific time and as the day slowlydisappeared and the evening came upon us, a stage suddenlyappeared and a ten piece band started to play with a lead malesinger who was a true professional with a terrific voice. Songsby Neil Sedaka, I especially remember him singing “Love willkeep us together.” Frank Sinatra, “I like New York in June” oneof my favourites, and so many more. Then they started playingsome dance music and the dance floor was suddenly full. Meand Ann danced together and with nearly everyone else thatwas there. After about an hour and half, the band went off for a rest, toa tremendous cheer. Immediately followed by a pop group.Drummer, saxophone player, lead electric guitar, bass electricguitar, electric keyboards and a brilliant singer, too good foreven a great occasion like this. He should have been doing asell out at Wembley. Everyone was dancing to the latestsounds, whether they were on the dance floor or not. As thewelsh might say “I’ve never seen anything like it my life.”Immediately, they finished their performance, the other bandcame back on and so on. Much later in the evening, when the party was slowingdown, the Irish contingent arrived and that livened things upagain. There were a couple of Irish guys there that loved thesame music as Ann and me and had been to the samenightclubs in London. They really knew what they were talkingabout and me and Ann spent at least an hour in their company. Eventually, the reception came to an end and we all endedup at Jose’s house. There must have been at least twenty-five 343

Chapter 22people, which was nice, but at this stage all I wanted to do wasgo to bed. So me and Ann said our farewells and started toleave. Jose then said, “We are having a gathering tomorrowlunch time, here at my house, make sure your here.” Iimmediately replied, “Not possible I’m afraid, we are on ourway to the Billesley Manor Hotel in Alcester in the morning.We have booked up their best suit for two nights.” “No,” shesaid, “you must come here, it’s going to be really good and Iwant you to come.” I said, “Its cost me a lot of money to stay atthis very high class hotel in their best suite. We wouldn’t get arefund or anything.” This had now been going on for about tenminutes and everyone there was listening. Jose’s said, “I willpay you whatever you lose, when you cancel the hotel.” At thatstage I realised that she was being totally unreasonable and thatthere was no point in talking to her sensibly any more. So, I didwhat an old working colleague, Ron Kelly used to do. Hewould agree with everything you said and then just simply notdo it. So, I agreed, we would to go to Jose’s at lunch time thenext day and instead of course, went to the Billesley ManorHotel. We had, had a fantastic a day at the wedding. Partially dueto the fact that, like always, I had spent a lot of time and hardearned money in planning it. Two days at the wonderfulFrench Hotel, expensive. So we had only a short distance to thewedding and back and then on to The Billesley Manor Hotel,where we would be treated like Royalty and would be waitedon hand and foot, which would help us to slowly come downafter all the excitement of the previous day. Ladies, wouldn’tyou like a caring husband like that? And that’s what happened.A fantastic four day holiday with the best wedding of our lives,in between. 344