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Chapter 22 Why I was becoming good at arranging these type of shortholidays, was because, one, I was seeing how Abbey Life wentabout it, when they arranged the fantastic conventions we wenton. Also there are so many lovely castles and grand mansions,in the English country side, that have been turned into Hotels.Stained glass and wood panelling, centuries old, in the diningroom or in your suite give you a fleeting idea of what it mighthave been like. But of course we have all the mod cons in thebathroom. Another enjoyment, me and Ann liked, was to take part inthe Heritage Hotels competition. They had old renovatedhotels all over the south east of England. Beautiful Hotels witha lot of class. (Unfortunately, I don’t have all the details withme now. I rang a few of the hotels to see if they could help, butthey have all been taken over by a conglomerate group ofcompanies and instead of talking to someone who has beenthere a long time and who may remember the owners beforethe present ones, you end up with a person in India.) Basically the competition was: if you went on ten short termbreaks, three nights,in any of their hotels , you qualified for a free short term break,in any one of their hotels of your choice, in the best suite. Thiscould be during the week or the weekend. All short term breaksincluded breakfast and the evening meal, which was excellentgourmet food, served on fine china, silver plated cutlery andalways in a beautiful dining room: boasting with 500 hundredyears old wood panelling and stained glass windows.Inglenook fireplaces with a lovely display of flowers insummertime and in the winter, log fires burning to give amagical and enchanting atmosphere. Truly wonderful stuff. You were given a little book and at the end of each stay theystamped it. We had achieved seven, always staying in the best 345

Chapter 22suite in each one of them, which meant we paid a little bit more,but not much more. Then we were informed that thecompetition was ending, in a month’s time. We particularly wanted to visit the Shakespeare Hotel inStratford upon Avon, which has now been totally destroyed byMercure Hotels. But then was lovingly restored with all of itswonderful features carefully kept intact; the staff were all veryhelpful and very knowledgeable when it came to the manhimself. Shakespeare. So, I thought I would give it a try. I rang the offices ofHeritage Hotels; I asked to speak to the managing director andwas put through. I could easily be wrong: the time was aboutthree thirty in the afternoon and it sounded like he may havehad a well lubricated lunch. I explained to him mypredicament: I said that we had been to seven hotels in thecompetition, always stayed in the best suites, which meant wehad spent more than most and now they were ending thecompetition. We naturally felt a little hard done by. He said“Quite right old boy. I`ll arrange for you to have a free shortterm break at the Shakespeare and also in their best suite. We’lltreat you like Royalty. Bring your stamped booklet with you.” Ann and me, loved Oxford. We had never been to auniversity city before and the atmosphere was wonderful. Wewalked around the City of Dreaming Spires, famous the worldover for its University and place in history. For over 800 years,it has been a home to royalty and scholars, and since the 9thcentury an established town. We went on a cruise. The cruisestarts from the most beautiful part of town in the canal basin,next to the main shopping areas, Royal Shakespeare Theatreand refreshment boats. Jennifer May is a modern Dutch Barge,heated and fully covered with unique viewing angles throughthe glass roof panels, and the capacity to seat up to 60 people 346

Chapter 22in comfort. We were going down the river and I was sufferingbadly with a hangover from the night before’s activities. Agroup of ducks swam past us and then one duck turned itshead and looked at me. She was the most beautiful duck, themost beautiful creature that I had ever seen. She looked serine,elegant, determined, feminine, young and defenceless. And shelooked at me for a fleeting moment that will always stay in mymind. I thought “Oh, to fuck a duck.” We enjoyed our stay so much at the Shakespeare Hotel, thatwe didn’t want to leave. So we stayed another three days, butof course, paid this time. Although we had been on seven short term breaks in thiscompetition, we had been on many more altogether. And as Ihave said before, while we were at these places we would visitthe local shops to buy antiques to go with all our other antiquesin our beautiful house in Kingswood.Mum would come to stay with us for one week in three. She would arrive by British rail at about 2.30pm atKingswood station and walk up the hill to our house. OneSunday mum didn’t arrive. At 4.30pm she still hadn’t arrived,so I phoned the caretaker of the housing association where shelived and asked him to go and see if she was ok. An hour laterhe phoned and told me she was dead. He had got no answerwhen he rang her door bell so had contacted the police and theyhad broken the door down and found her on the sitting roomfloor. I contacted my two brothers Alfie and Johnny and withAnn, we all went together, to my mums flat the next day. Thecaretaker took us to the flat. My two brothers decided not to goin, so, me and Ann went in. Her body had been taken away butin the centre of the lounge was a dark brown mat with all of her 347

Chapter 22lovely natural black hair and glasses next to it. I slowly realisedit wasn’t a mat but all her life blood. I felt panic, but Annsuddenly held my hand and kept me together. Like she did somany times in my life. My mum idolised me and was so proudof my achievements. She was kind and caring to me in everyway, she gave me the confidence to go out there and succeed ineverything I did. Now she was dead. Thank God I had Ann. 348

23 Throat operation *For the last few months, when I was talking, I would suddenly lose my voice. So, I went to see my doctor, Dr Verity. He gave me some very valuable advice which Ididn’t take. He said don’t worry, just rest it for a week or so,and you’ll find it will be ok. I said I couldn’t, I was so busy withwork it wasn’t possible. I needed a specialist to have a look. He recommended one at a private hospital. Parkside,Wimbledon but when I rang the hospital to make anappointment he was on holiday for three weeks. So, I arrangedto see another one. Mr Whitton, a surgeon from hell and hisside kick Dr Nightingale, a woman. Between them, theydestroyed a good deal of my life. I was booked into Parkside within the week. I would be inthe hospital for about three hours and then be able to go homethe same day. So, I arrived at the hospital and was shown intoa private ward where I undressed and laid down on the trolleybed. I was given an anaesthetic and then after a while wheeleddown to the operating theatre. I was in the theatre for aboutfive minutes and asked one of the nurses if I should still beawake. As I asked this, another nurse came in and said that Iwas in the wrong theatre. At this stage I had a premonition thatperhaps this was not a good idea. After the operation, I was sitting up in bed with Ann at mybedside. Whitton was there and he had asked for a sandwich tobe brought for me to eat. Before I eat it, I told him that there 349

Chapter 23was some pain in the back of my throat. The cunt said to me“There can’t be, eat the sandwich and you will feel better. It wasa very minor operation, no problems.” No there fuckingshouldn’t have been. A few weeks after, I was at a business meeting at an hoteland we had a coffee break. I was talking to a colleague and as Isipped my coffee, the submaxillary salivary gland (there aretwo under the chin. See diagram) swelled up for a few secondsand the went down again. There are two of these glands; theproblem one was on the right side. I was slightly worried but itdidn’t happen again that day. A couple of days later I was athome one evening with Ann, we were having a glass of winebefore dinner when it popped again. After that it washappening quite frequently and I knew something had to bedone. How depressing!!! 350

Chapter 23 I went back and saw Mr Whitton again. He arranged anexploratory scan on the gland, at the hospital. It consisted of mehaving to suck a lemon and then they took the scan. The resultsclearly showed that when Whitton had performed the easiestof very minor operations, he had destroyed the gland. Youwouldn’t want an asshole like him, mucking about with yourcock, would you? So, I went back to see him. He nonchalantlyinspected my gland and then pronounced that it would have tobe taken out. So, I said very naively “They will go down mythroat will they.” He replied. “Oh no, they must cut your throatopen from the outside.” There are three people in my life, thatif I found out I was going to die, I would like to get a gun andmake sure that they went with me. That cunt`s one of them. We were about to go on a convention with Abbey Life toNew York. My sister Joan lived there with her husband andthree daughters. (In the late fifties, there was a lot of AmericanGI´s American soldiers, GIs, first came to Britain in January1942, two months after the bombing of Pearl Harbour By thesummer, tens of thousands had arrived. It wasn’t just thesuperior cut and quality material of their uniforms that madethem stand out from the Tommie’s of the British Army. Theirapproach to women was confident and they had plenty ofmoney to be able to take a girl to the best places in London.)Joan met Frank who was a GI and that was that, as they say. We were booked into the Waldorf Hotel with Abbey for oneweek. Then Frank would pick us up from there and take us toa lovely hotel near them, for us to stay for another two weeks.That’s how we wanted it. Then we would go and stay withthem for another two weeks. We would be in New York for atotal of five weeks. We were so looking forward to it. 351

Chapter 23 There was no way we could go: my slaver gland keptswelling up. I had this vision of eating an American beef burgerand my throat exploding. The operation was carried out at Kings College Hospital. Iarrived with Ann at nine am and checked all the private rooms,most were empty. I chose a particularly spacious one, whichalso had a bed for Ann and a large bathroom with a window,where she could have a cigarette occasionally. Bupa comes inhandy sometimes. The surgeon who was carrying out theoperation was a professor Langdon. Supposedly, one of thebest surgeons around for this type of operation and with me helived up to his reputation. He had a faithful assistant, Allen, ayoung man of about thirty yrs. of age who always looked as ifhe was going to collapse at any time: worked off his feet everyday. They were both extremely nice people, which in thesecircumstances, was very helpful. A nurse was allocated to meat the beginning: she was very nice, blond, extremely prettyand very efficient. After the first day, she vanished to bereplaced by Agatha. Very black and from Africa. I couldn’t sayif she was nice, she didn’t speak enough English for me to findout. Still, Ann was staying with me all the time to keep mecompany and to keep an eye on the nurses to make sure theydid their job properly. You know how I feel about nurses. Iknow they do a fantastic job and can never be praised enoughbut most of the nurses I’ve seen, just didn’t look to capable tome. Probably, I brought the worst out in them. Also I had takenmany a nurse back to their digs after a night out and seeing thestate of their homes made me wonder, if they even knew howto look after themselves. I was laying on the trolley, outside the operating theatre. Ablack nurse was there, one hand holding the trolley and theother hand holding the Sun newspaper which she was 352

Chapter 23fervently reading. I couldn’t help thinking, should she betaking print from the newspaper, which was now on her hands,into the hopefully, sterile environment of the operating theatre.A male nurse was with her, thirtyish, slim and covered intattoos and safety pins, well they looked like safety pins to me.I said to him “You are going to take good care of me, aren’tyou?” He said, in a well-spoken English voice, that he wouldand assured me that professor John Langdon who wasperforming the operation was the best there was. I felt assured.When they gave me the injection to put me to sleep, just beforeI passed out, all I could see was the American star and stripes. I awoke from the operation with a very sore throat, tubescoming from me everywhere. Ann was holding my hand. God,what will I do without her? A few days later, about seven pm,Ann noticed that one of the tubes were empty and there wasblood in it. She immediately rang for the nurse, who came andchanged it. Thanks Ann. At the time, Rachel my niece, was a nurse at Kings CollegeHospital, so she came over to see me. Little did I know then,that I would recover from the throat, but would never recoverfrom Rachel. When I tried to eat the pain was excruciating.Allen assured me that everything would eventually be ok, butit would take time. It took about a month. During that time Ann cooked up beautiful nutritious food.Fish, chicken, fresh vegetables and soft bread. Except for thebread, everything was put through her American mixer. I hadthis wonderful designer food, washed down with chilled whitewine. Although the pain was still severe, the pleasure of thefood overcame everything and the wine was a good sedative.One day while I was eating, I suddenly realised the pain hadgone. Oh, happy days. 353

Chapter 23 I was back to work within two weeks after that, with a beardbecause I couldn’t shave for a while: with the stitches still in.You can’t keep a good man down, well, not if he has a wife likeAnn. Another time when I went to see Dr Verity was when I hadsprained an ankle playing tennis. I don’t remember whattreatment he prescribed but it must have worked because Idon’t have it now. Why I am mentioning this was at the timehe had with him a trainee doctor who he was showing the ropesto, as they say. He was also showing off, probably because thetrainee was a beautiful young lady of about twenty three yearsof age. He had on his desk a laser gun, they were only just cominginto medical fashion at the time. After he had seen to my ankle,he asked me if I had any small bits of skin or little warts on myface that I would like removed and they needed to have beenthere for more than eighteen months. I replied, yes I did. So hecame over to where I was sitting with this beautiful girl next tohim and I showed him three different bits that I would likeremoved, please. He pointed the laser gun at the first one andsaid, it’s very important that you don’t move when I shoot thegun. I thought I fucking well know that. He certainly had herattention, he had mine, “peeet..” one down two to go. When itwas all over, always being one to make the most of a goldenopportunity, I mentioned to him that I also had two little molesort of spots on my tummy just below my belly button and as Iliked to keep that area looking attractive for all sorts of reasonscould he remove them for me as well. He couldn’t now be a spoil sport in front of this lovelyyoung trainee doctor as that would have ruined the wholesituation. So I took my pants down to just above me pubic hairsletting a few hairs pop out just for the fun of it and “peeet..” 354

Chapter 23“peeet..” they were gone, not the hairs the spots. Everyone wasvery impressed and to think, to have had this done privatelythese days, would have cost about a thousand pounds.Because we had missed the New York convention, due to my operation, we decided to take a break and visit Ireland. InJuly of 1995 we booked the best suite at Cabra Castle, amagnificent Hotel. Ann and me enjoyed this hotel so much thatI can’t truly do it justice by my words. So below is how theHotel describes itself.Cabra Castle HotelExplore our 4 Star Castle Hotel in IrelandCastles, with their nooks and crannies and ancient histories, aremade for exploring. Wander through the magnificent receptionrooms, find a quiet corner or fireside to relax with a book or justenjoy the atmosphere in one of the best known Castle hotels inIreland. Period features and furnishings create an authentic,old-world charm and a long tradition of warm and friendlyservice make Cabra Castle the perfect retreat from the pace ofmodern living. Set on 100 acres of parkland and garden, with themagnificent backdrop of Dun a Ri Forest Park, there is much toexplore both indoors and out. Along the way you may uncoversome of the past secrets of gracious living and a bygone age.Due to its idyllic location and superb range of accommodation,Cabra Castle is one of the most unique luxury hotels in Irelandand is also one of the best known castle wedding venues inIreland. 355

Chapter 23 This Castle Hotel is officially a building of intrinsicallysignificant, historical and architectural interest, and as such isopen to the public between the hours of 11.00am and 4.00pmdaily for viewing, year round (closed December 24th, 25th and26th).Now I will try. The Derby bar is one of the best I’ve been in andas you know by reading this book, I’ve been in some prettyfantastic bars all over the world. Nine hole golf course and thewedding venue has to be seen to be believed: wonderful. Therooms again let the Hotel tell you about them.Rooms & Suites at this Luxury Hotel in IrelandChoose from the splendour of the Lord's Bedchamber to thespacious elegance of the Courtyard Bedrooms. A sumptuousstay awaits at Cabra Castle, one of the best known luxury hotelsin Ireland. Cabra Castle offers a range of luxury accommodation, fromauthentic medieval-style Castle rooms, complete with four-poster beds, to the more artisan-style accommodations of theCourtyard, featuring old stone walls and delightful views ofthe walled garden.In contrast, the simpler clean lines of our cottage rooms mayappeal to the more budget-conscious visitor. All of our 105bedrooms are uniquely-designed and appointed and areequipped with four star facilities. Whichever option you choose, you will benefit from theCastle setting of this beautiful luxury hotel in Ireland. 356

Chapter 23 For Ann and me, the other good thing about this Hotel wasits position. It was only a ten minute drive from Ardee, wheremy wife Ann had been brought up as a child. Obviously, therewas a lot of memories there for her: the good, bad and the ugly.She showed me Muldoon’s Bar in Castle Street where in thedays when she was there, only allowed male patrons. We wentto the convent where she was brought up after she had comeout of hospital. Unfortunately it was now closed. We alsovisited another convent that she had stayed at but again withnot much luck. The nuns were away on holiday but amazinglythe same head gardener was there and he and Ann bothrecognized one another. They talked for some time, mentioningmany different nuns who Ann knew well. After we said our goodbyes to the gardener, we walkedaround the grounds which were very beautiful, with rose beds,rhododendrons and grass lawns. The sky was blue and the sunwas warm, a magical day in Ireland. Another day we visited the house where Ann had beenlooked after, no we can’t say that, she was anything but lookedafter. The house where she nearly died from ill treatment. Thehouse had no electricity and the toilette was a ditch at thebottom of the garden. Fucking Hell. I saw a picture of Ann when she was about ten, a moreangelic, vulnerable, lost looking child you would be hard tofind. When you saw her in this picture, all you wanted to dowas protect her and love her for ever. This picture, like somuch, has been lost. One of the reasons I am writing this bookis because I have lost so many personal things, to at least recordsomething helps to keep me sane. We then went to the centre of the town to see the waterpump. Of course it was not working now and was just a sort ofmonument of this time. Ann told me that they had to go there 357

Chapter 23with a bucket and fetch the water back to the house two or threetimes a day. Then we drove back to our luxurious castle hotel in ourMercedes Benz car and went up to the best suite in the castle.And didn’t the fuck Ann deserve it. The main objective for therest of my life was to make sure Ann had everything humanlypossible to make up for her dreadful childhood. I was alwaysamazed at the way she overcame all this and grew up to be areally good person and such a classy lady. The Courtroom Restaurant: Located on the first floor with acommanding view of the gardens and local parkland, has anaward winning menu featuring the best in Irish cuisine. Wealways reserved a particular table, which faced the big sashwindows overlooking the second fairway. A well-known factis that Ireland has very long twilights. One of the reasons filmcrews do a lot of work there is because of the length of theirdaylight hours. Me and Ann would sit down to dinner at eight in theevening, when it was just beginning to get dark and by the timewe were ready to leave the table at nearly ten. It was still justbeginning to get dark. During that time an Irish mist wouldslowly come up from the valley and spread over the secondfairway in front of us and past. Then would slowly retreatagain. A lovely way to eat and get pissed. Then into the Derbybar and then up to our room to make love.Those were the days my friend We thought they'd never endWe'd sing and dance forever and a dayWe'd live the life we chooseWe'd fight and never loseFor we were young and sure to have our way. 358

Chapter 23Well, at this stage, we were young at heart. We went back toCabra the following year and enjoyed it tremendously again. The following summer we visited Ashford Castle Hotel,Cong, Co. Mayo, Ireland. Unrivalled service, warm Irishhospitality and five star luxury, Ashford Castle is part of theRed Carnation Hotel Collection and a member of LeadingHotels of the World. Situated in a spectacular 350 acre estate,sumptuous rooms and suites, splendid interiors brimmingwith antique furniture, fine fabrics and unique features at everyturn. We had the same suit as President Ronald Reagan, butdidn’t need as many rooms as we didn’t have the entourage orthe body guards. Me and Ann had enjoyed watching the film, ´The QuiteMan` many times on TV. The scenes between John Wayne andMaureen O’Hara were particularly enjoyable, so weparticularly enjoyed visiting the Quiet Man Cottage Museum.Walking tours of The Quiet Man film locations around Congvillage including dressing up in costumes at the Museum. Theinteractive tour to Innisfree, the Dying Man’s house, PatCohan’s Bar, the Reverend Play fair’s House, the courtingscenes, the fight scenes and the John Wayne and MaureenO’Hara commemorative statute. We heard the tales of theWayne family visit and the Maureen O’Hara visit from the tourguides and stories of what Cong was like in 1951 when it wasinvaded by Hollywood! To see where it actually took place wasspecial. The sun was shining and for once, it wasn’t raining. Aday we would both remember. Back at the hotel we strolled around the foyer and looked atthe few shops there. The Ladieswear shop had some lovelyclothes on show and Ann rather liked one or two of the trousersuits and dresses, but didn’t feel like tying them on. So the salesgirl there, very kindly took a few measurements of Ann and 359

Chapter 23then said that she would have them sent up to our suite whereAnn could try them on in her own time. The rest of the afternoon was very pleasantly spent in oursuite, with Ann trying clothes on, me giving my opinion andboth of us sipping sherry. Ann decided on a lovely light greenwool twill trouser suit and a dark wine skirt with a pattern top.Both very stylish and elegant. In the evening we would dine in their George V DiningRoom. A very graceful setting, with rich, panelled walls andtwinkling Waterford Crystal chandeliers, there was a grandsense of occasion. The resident pianist played softly in thebackground while we relaxed and enjoyed exceptional dishesfrom the kitchen. We would normally end the evening down in the Dudgeon.Not because we had behaved badly, but at a little beforemidnight a band, well more like an Irish pop group whosename, I can’t remember, two boys and two girls would playthere. It was a great atmosphere and a perfect way to end anevening. It was in this place that me and Ann got back todrinking Southern Comfort and American. The pop groupreminded Ann and me of the Corrs, who was one of ourfavourite pop groups.(The Corrs are an Irish band that combinepop rock with traditional Irish themes within their music. Thegroup consists of the Corr siblings, Andrea; Sharon; Carolineand Jim. They are from Dundalk, County Louth, Ireland.) I know I have been with many other women while I havebeen married to Ann, but I have always stayed in love withAnn. Over time, because my wife is such an incredibly goodperson, I have fallen more and more in love with her. The otherwomen were more like a game. A sexual game. The magic ofthe chase, the connection, followed by the subservient contactof the eyes, when you both know that the inevitable must 360

Chapter 23happen and then the exploring of new territories. Perhaps oneday I will find someone who I will love more than Ann. No, notpossible. All the girls that I have known I have loved, otherwiseI would not have loved their pussy’s. I could not make love toa girl if I didn’t find her physically attractive. I tried once andfound I couldn’t get the hard on, it was impossible to make loveto her. All the girls I loved was only for that moment in time.But what a time, enjoyment like that I had no intention ofmissing out on. Not for my wife and certainly not for the peoplewho think they make the rules. When I think about all the girls I have loved, I cherish theirmemories and I hope they think well of me. I also realise thatnone of them could get anywhere near Ann with regard tobeing my wife and with them I would probably have ended upwhere I am today, penniless, much earlier. Ann was always there, she made sure everything runsmoothly. When we went on holidays and I walked into thebathroom, it was the same as walking into our bathroom athome, everything was there. I never saw credit cards, Annlooked after all that. We only ever used her one. In a restaurantor anywhere, she paid with her card. My credit card never leftthe packaging. I only carried cash. In the insurance businessyou have some very bad days, but when I got home, Ann didn’tsay what sort of a day have you had. She only knew what sortof a day she had had, another good one where our beautifulhome looked marvellous and the evening meal was somethingto relish and whatever day you had, had the only thought youhad was how you were going to relax and enjoy the evening.Let me give you another scenario.I once dated an identical twin. We were already a couple beforeI met her sister, and I was more than a little nervous. What if I 361

Chapter 23found her sister attractive, too? I mean, they looked the same.Would I feel the same kind of feelings for this other person?And if I did, would the woman I was dating be able to tell? Thewhole thing ended up being fairly anti-climactic. I didn’t feelanything special toward her sister. She looked just like mygirlfriend, but that was about it. I learned something important. It’s your history togetherthat makes someone special. Not the way you look. Not yoursense of humour, your intelligence, or even your values. Am I saying those deeper qualities don’t matter? Of coursenot. Those are the things that make you who you are. Don’tever let anyone tell you that stuff is inconsequential. It definesyou.But it doesn’t define your relationship. Your history togetherdoes. If the guy you’re with meets another girl with a similar senseof humour, or mirror-image values, that doesn’t mean he’sgoing to feel the kind of connection he feels with you. Thosequalities are important. They played a role in bringing the twoof you together. But your relationship is built on something hedoesn’t have with anyone else. Something he can’t have withanyone else. Time with you. Over time Ann had proved to me that there was no onearound in the same league as her. 362

24 Our cat Jennie *After we had been married for about a year, Ann mentioned that a woman in her office had a cat who had just given birth to kittens. She was going to bringthem into the office the next day to see if anyone wanted one.Ann said, do we? I am not an animal man, simply because mymother wasn’t. Basically whatever mum liked or disliked, shebred into us. I told Ann this but also said for her to have a lookand see what she thought. The next day, she brought home a kitten. It was tiny, halftabby and half long haired Persian. It had the longhair of thePersian with the pronounced markings of the tabby. Absolutelybeautiful. She put it down on the floor, we looked at oneanother, the cat ran one way and I ran the other. We named herJenny but sometime later we discovered she was a he. Wecontinued to call her Jenny throughout her life. I don’t know ifthis confused her but occasionally she could get very badtempered. We owned a two bedroom ground floor flat in ShirleyHeights, Wallington, Surrey. We kept Jenny mainly in the hall,which was plenty big enough for her as a kitten. The hallwayhad a very expensive good quality carpet on the floor. Afterabout six months it didn’t. There wasn’t one single piece ofwool left, only the ropy beige backing material, which I believeis quite fashionable these days. 363

Chapter 24 We moved to 39 Morton Gardens, Wallington, Surrey. Asemi-detached house with a garden and a cat door in thekitchen. Jennie was much happier now: she would actually letme get near enough to stroke her. She was a very nervous cat:loved Ann, tolerated me and disappeared when anyone elsewas present. When we went on holiday my mum would comedown to look after her. Mum would put cat food in the cat dishand sometimes chicken with milk and water on the side andthat was that. Jenny would eat the food and that was that.Neither one got near the other. They both seemed happy withthis arrangement. Jenny was a little under the weather and Ann had bookedher into the local vet. I was to take her in because I was availableand Ann wasn’t. Ann left very precise instructions for me. Thecat basket had to be fastened on all sides including extrafastening that Ann had added. This was an extremely nervouscat as we had found out on several occasions to the cost of ourpanic stricken nerves. When Jenny panicked, we did. I haddone everything that it was possible do. I had fastenedeverything double tightly. I’m sure you know what a cat basketis but for the few who don’t, it is a basket with a bottom and atop so when the cat is inside it cannot get out. If it tries to jumpout it would hit its head on the ceiling of the basket. I now putthe cat basket, with Jenny inside, into the back seat of the car. I started the car and heard a rustle from the back. The noiseof the engine starting had made Jenny jump and she was nowgoing around trying to get herself comfortable again. It was awarm day so I opened the back window, no more than four tofive inches, because I didn’t want the traffic noise to frightenher. We took off and so did Jenny. She went fucking berserk.Within two minutes of starting the journey, Jenny was out of 364

Chapter 24the basket and out through the window. My God, what do I donow, she’s gone. How would I tell Ann? As I have said more than once, since being with Ann,miracles did seem to happen. I stopped the car and got out. Itwas just past rush hour time, there was no one about and nosign of Jenny. Now I was really starting to panic. Suddenly agirl aged about twenty fiveish came walking up the street,“Are you allright, you look worried” she said. I told her whathad happened and how nervous Jenny was and I didn’t think Iwould ever see her again. She said, “Do you have any idea ofthe direction she took.” I told her the direction I thought shehad gone in and what she looked like. She said, “You stay hereand I will look for her.” I couldn’t believe my eyes: after about five minutes theyoung woman came back, holding Jenny by the scruff of herneck and then proceeded to put her into the cat basket andsecure it better than I could ever have done. I was literallycrying my eyes out with blessed relief. Another time, Jenny went missing for a few days, we wereworried after a while but then she suddenly came back, theworse for wear with a grazed chin and shoulder and a limp.Ann soon nursed her better. When we moved to Wraymead in Kingswood, Surrey;Jenny really enjoyed the freedom. Big kitchen and dining roomwith wooden floors and a nice big matt for her. The lounge withall the fine antiques and Queen Ann furniture, was shut off andout of bounds. But the real joy for her was the wonderfulgarden, where she would chase all the birds. After doing herbusiness in her bin inside the house, she would then go outsideand slide down the lawn which she found was the best way towipe her bum. Now that’s what you call skid marks. 365

Chapter 24 So we were all happy. Unfortunately, as time went on webecame more involved with Tenerife and our properties thereand then my mum died. (The death of my mum has beencovered in detail, in another part of this book.) This meant thatwhen we went to Tenerife, which was about two to three timesa year, Jenny had to be put into a cattery. At an age where shewas just starting to get older and very used to everything, thiscame as a big shock and was, I believe, instrumental in herdying at the age of seventeen. I will never forget the look oftotal despair on her beautiful face, each time we waved goodbye to her in the cattery and went to Tenerife. For several days Jenny had not been feeling too well, so Annfelt around her body to see if she could feel any tell-tale signs,like lumps or hard bits. Ann was the only person that Jennywould allow to do this to her. There was a lump, in Jenny’sbelly. Ann took her to see the vet who quickly confirmed that itwas cancer. He said that if he acted quickly there was a chancethat she would pull through. An appointment was made for theoperation. On the day, Ann took Jenny there and then left herthere. We both waited at home for the Vet to telephone us. Afterabout an hour he phoned, Ann spoke to him. Good news, thecancer had been taken out and she was going to be ok; Ann wasoverjoyed. Ten minutes later the Vet telephoned and said thatthe cancer had spread and Jenny had, had to be put down. AsI’ve said before, when Ann was a young girl she had a veryhard and loveless life and not much now made her cry, but thisdid. Ann decided that we should not have another cat, as shecould not bear to leave it in a cattery when we went abroad. 366

25 Wraymead *Arthur Palmer was an associate with Abbey Life when I was at the Croydon branch. He was about sixty five to seventy years old and had lived a good life. He had alot of experience. We had a mutual client to go and see inBanstead, as he lived in a flat with his wife in Wallington, wearranged to meet at my house in Morton Gardens just down theroad from him. While he was in my house I mentioned that meand Ann were looking for a bigger house in a better area. Ahouse that had a bit of ground around it so we could if wewanted to, extend over the coming years. He advised me of three locations that I might be interestedin, describing each one and where they were located. The areathat sounded best to us was a place called Kingswood, about amile up the A217 from Banstead on the way to Reigate, turn leftat the Bonsor Drive roundabout (signposted Kingswood). Not long after, me and Ann set out to have a look atKingswood. We immediately fell in love with the area butwondered if we could afford to live there as all the housesseemed out of our price range. We popped into a few estateagencies but everything was priced to high, out of our reachand we started to think that perhaps we would be better offleaving it for now and waiting for my business to improve,which we knew it would, and then start looking again. The time was about four pm. The afternoons warm sun wasslowly going down and we thought before we travelled back 367

Chapter 25home to Wallington, we would try one last agent. So we wentto Kingwood Homes in Kingswood village at the bottom of StMonicas Road and there we met the agent Mike Wright, whowas later to become a client of mine and Abbey life’s with apersonal retirement plan. We sat down and once againdiscussed our circumstances and what we were looking for. Iexplained to him that because I was a mortgage broker I knewexactly how much I could borrow and could have the mortgageavailable very quickly. This seemed to reassure him and heshowed us details of a detached house that had just come on tothe market place: Wraymead, in Furze Hill. Three bedrooms,one bathroom, dining room, sitting room, garage, utility room,conservatory and most importantly half an acre of ground. Weasked to have a look at it so Mike rang the owners and arrangeda viewing for Wednesday at five pm. Today was Monday. At five pm. On Wednesday we rang the bell and a lady ofabout sixtyish opened the door, I can’t remember their namesnow and unfortunately all records have been lost in the greatmove of 2012. I can remember that she was very hospitable andwe all sat down for tea and cakes in the conservatory whichlooked down the very well-kept and beautiful garden, whichwas about two hundred feet long. She told us that her husbandworked for Legal and General whose offices were at the backof our garden and about two hundred yards to the right. So farenough away to be out of site, thank goodness. At five forty pm, we could just about see a gate open at thebottom of the garden and a man come walking up along thefootpath towards us. Her husband of course, he had worked forLegal and General for the past thirty five years. Before that hehad flown spitfires for the RAF in the last world war. On oneof his flights he had been shot down and still bared the scars onhis face and neck, he also had a voice box in his throat. They 368

Chapter 25showed us around and we said that we were very interestedand would let them know of our decision within twenty fourhours. Once again, I told them that I was a mortgage broker andknew I was able to obtain the mortgage we required; as heworked for L&G he totally understood. As we drove back toour home in Wallington we had a lot to discuss but we didn’treally get down to making decisions until after we had had ourevening meal.The plusesVery good location, a lovely quite road with only residentialtraffic. Positioned twenty five minutes from the coast and halfan hour from central London, good expensive land so had goodinvestment potential for the future. Which because we wereintending to extend the property was very important.The negatives.Nearly everything would have to be replaced. We couldn’tafford to do this immediately, so would carry out the work overa period of time.Stage one: Taking down the existing utility room andconservatory and making one big kitchen, dining room and atthe same time replacing the existing garage with a double oneso as to take in a utility room.Stage two: To extend upstairs over everything that had beenextended downstairs including the garage.Stage three: Extending side of house to make lounge muchbigger (27ft x 19ft). We also took the existing fireplacecompletely out and replaced it with a larger one. 369

Chapter 25 This would provide us with a three bathroom, five bedroomhouse with a cloakroom downstairs. It would have been a loteasier to have done everything in one go and live somewhereelse for that period of time but that would have been muchmore expensive, also we loved living in the area and enjoyingthe garden and we could keep a closer eye on everything thebuilders were doing if we were there. So we would to do it inthree stages. We decided to go ahead with the purchase and neverregretted it for one day. I was always amazed at living inKingswood, such a lovely place to be. Most days I used to walkand drive around looking at the fabulous houses and gardensand couldn’t believe we owned a lovely house there, which wehad made into the perfect home for us. Perfection in every way.We were to enjoy living there for more than thirty years. When the second extension was near completion we askedthe builders if they could tile the bathroom which was a part ofthe extension. The building company was a father and two sonsplus a couple of others. The father, I can’t remember his name,so we will call him Bob, was well known in the area and livedin a lovely detached house in its own grounds; just outsideBanstead village high street. The dad said that it wouldn’t be a problem as his eldest sonwas a good tiler. On the day that the son had finished the tiling,that evening, I went up to the bathroom to have my first look.Up to now, I had taken very little notice of tiled walls but whenI first looked, something didn’t seem quite right and after awhile I realised that the son was not a good tiler. I poppeddownstairs and its funny the moments that you remember,Ann was in the lounge watching the telly and as I came in sheturned her beautiful head and her big blue eyes looked at meas so to say, “he’s done it all wrong.” The whole bathroom had 370

Chapter 25to be retiled, the extension had its fair share of problemswithout this at the end. I contacted the shop owner where I hadpurchased the tiles, in Cheam. He recommended Peter and saidthat he only ever used him when he had tiling done in his ownhouse. So we went with Peter, thirty fiveish, blond hair, six footone and kept in shape, pretty much a perfect example ofmanhood and a specialist when it came to tiling. From then onwe only ever used Peter for tiling. Peter had to take off all the existing tiles which is a hellaverjob, noisy messy and a lot harder than putting them on. Theextra cost was one thousand pounds, a lot of money now, letalone thirty years ago. The crutch of the storey was when we came to pay the finalstage payment, less the one thousand pounds. Bob the buildersaid it was too high an amount and I said it was not. I’ve beena salesman most of my life and the one thing that you learn isnever to argue, only discuss. So when Bob got a bit heated Iresponded with gentle, calm conversation. Bob wanted apayment of four thousand pounds, I was only prepared to paythree thousand pounds. He would ring me up and say his son was coming round tocollect the four thousand pounds and I would reply that hewould be receiving a cheque for three thousand pounds. So theson never came round, this went on for about a year and thenone day Bob rang up to say the son would be coming round tocollect the three thousand pounds and I said, now it’s gonedown to two thousand pounds, no, only joking. The son cameround and I gave him a cheque for three thousand pounds.Needless to say we didn’t have Bob back again. The other extensions were carried out by an existing clientof mine, Jeff Moore. I had known Jeff for about six years, he hada lovely wife Susan and nice kids. He was a big guy who kept 371

Chapter 25in shape with weights. I remember once when my mum wasvisiting and Jeff and his workers were at the house, my mummust have heard them talking about their weight training, asshe said, Roy does weight training. One of Jeff’s builders said,what’s he look like when he takes his shirt off, mum replied asquick as a flash, “Superman.” Jeff told me this later. Two women, Angela and my mum. Two women whoidolised me, who thought that there was nothing out there thatI couldn’t achieve if I really wanted to. It’s good to have peoplewho know you, to think like that. My father didn’t think likethat, he felt sort of sorry for me. Probably because he foresawall the shit that was waiting out there for me. When I wasfifteen, he sort of mentioned that I might not find a girl, fuckknows what he was thinking of. As I’ve already said he neverwent to one single football match that I played in. Not one andI played in hundreds. If just once he had seen me score animpossible goal when it seemed all the odds were against me,three or four guys surrounding me giving me no chance whatso ever to score and then see me overcome everything in lifeand putting the ball in the back of the fucking net. Then hewould have realised who I am. When I played football all over the weekend with schooland club and couldn’t walk on my legs on the Monday morningto go to school, he would say, “He will never get anywhere likethis, what’s going to become of him.” When I arrived at school,at prayers in the morning, the whole school would praise meand thank me for getting the football team through to the nextround of the cup or keeping us at the top of the league. Whenthey held prize giving’s at the school which I was alwaysinvolved in he would never come, not once. Whatever waswrong with him; I didn’t the fuck want to know, just in case itwas catching. 372

Chapter 25 Never any problems with Jeff, everything went smoothly.He sometimes came up with ideas, on how to improve certainideas, I had with regard to an extension. Then we would talk tothe architect Barry who would decide what was best. I wantedto get rid of the existing fireplace and build a much moreimpressive one. I wasn’t sure of exactly what I wanted andJeff’s contribution was invaluable. He suggested a sort ofinglenook fireplace which went back with a herring bone bricklaid style and a stand-alone new antique brass fire with a blackmatt hood. Surrounded with a white Georgian marble firesurround and a beige marble hearth. It also meant a smallextension at the side of the house to accommodate this. Thefinished article looked fantastic and gave me and Ann greatpleasure for many, many years until you know who camealong.At this time we decide that it would be nice to have two leather chesterfield sofas for the new extension to thedining room. Me and Ann went to a few shops and lookedaround but couldn’t find exactly what we wanted. There wereadvertisements in the paper for the usual rubbish but nothingworthwhile. One afternoon I had been to see a client and was drivinghome when I passed a shopping centre and decided to go inand have a look around. One of the shops there was ´World ofleather` so I popped in. They had a good selection and one wasjust the right style, of old traditional leather chesterfield, I waslooking for. I checked it out and found it to be very well made,no staples where they shouldn’t be, you would be surprisedwhat you come across when you’re learning about the quality 373

Chapter 25of this furniture. I had done my homework and knew that thesechesterfields were just what I required. The salesman who approached me and showed me aroundwas very helpful but I wasn’t sure about the price and decidedI would think about it. As I was sitting on one of the sofa’s hehanded me a brochure on the them and left me to ponder. Theprice of each sofa in the shop was twelve hundred pounds, oryou could spread that amount over two years interest free. AsI looked through the brochure I noticed that on the back pageit gave details of the name, address and telephone number ofthe manufacturer of the furniture. Now I’m sure this doesn’thappen very often but it did in this case. So being a financialadviser, I always kept a pen and paper in my inside pocket, Itook down the details. In my business as a financial adviser I had learnt that thebest time to contact the man in charge is at about six thirty inthe evening. This was a time when all the employees had gonehome and the owner was still there; sussing out what sort ofday it had been. I rang, a man’s voice said, “Hello.” I said,“Who am I talking too.” He replied “John Saunders, managingdirector.” I said “My name is Roy Prentice and I wanted toknow if you sold directly to the public.” He replied, “Yes wedo.” I described the type of sofa I had seen in the World ofLeather and the corresponding reference number in thebrochure. I said that their price was too much for me and hesaid “Is five hundred pounds each ok” and the deal was done.They were delivered within two weeks and there was nodelivery charge. Game set and match at less than half the price.The quality was so professionally good that we purchasedmany more pieces of leather furniture directly from John in thefollowing years. 374

Chapter 25 Every window in the house was replaced with GeorgianPVC windows and of course all widows in the extensions werePVC. Two: the one in my office and the largest bathroom hadbeautiful stained glass in them. We had this carried out by aspecialist window replacement company and on the secondday there was a problem but not with the windows, anunfortunate worker had a heart attack and had to be rushed tohospital. Obviously everyone was a bit down after this but theywere straight back on the job the following morning. Later wewere informed that the worker who had the heart attack wasnow out of danger and recovering. We would complete one stage and enjoy the benefit of it forthree years and then go onto the next stage. We completedeverything we had set out to achieve over a period of twentyyears but of course with a house there are always repairs orsomething that needs doing. The garden was another expensive challenge for us, whichtook many years before we had it just as we wanted. We got ridof the existing glass house and replaced it with a larger one,new sheds for old: two small three big. We had our residentgardener Sid who came with the house, sort of: Sid wasrecommended by the people who sold us the house, he used tooccasionally help out when required, because most of the timethe owners liked doing the garden themselves. Unlike me wholoved the garden to enjoy and perhaps would do somedeweeding, plant a few flowers and prune the roses etc. but notthe heavy stuff. Ann actually spent more time than me doingthe garden. Anyway, I only had weekends free and then Iwanted to be with Ann at the tennis club. Sid worked in our garden for eight hours, one day a week.Normally on a Friday from eight thirty in the morning to fourthirty in the afternoon, for twenty seven years. I spent a lot of 375

Chapter 25time and money over the years finding suitable gardenfurniture and garden Italian marble figures which I enjoyedplacing at strategic positions around the garden. We hadcoloured lights positioned all over the garden, in shrubs andtrees and circulating around wooden trestle’s, these lights wentright down the garden, two hundred feet down and thenrounded in and over a central wooden trestle to give anincredible magical effect of lighting. Particularly pleasing insummertime when we had friends down and you couldcompensate for the loss of day with this marvellousextravaganza. At the front we took down the old wall and rebuilt a newone; with big black iron gates. Totally resurfaced the drive wayand Sid replanted all of the front garden and put in newconifers. From the front, the house was reasonably modest butbehind the facade opened out to become a very luxurious homewith a fantastic garden. We intentionally extended it like thisso as to not attract the wrong sort. The neighbours who lived on our left side, due to thehusband retiring, moved to the coast and new ones arrived.Keith and Elain were a young welsh good looking couple andwe got on with them straightaway. Both in their mid-twenties,we soon discovered that we had a lot in common. Music, goodrestaurants and no children which meant we went out togethera lot. Then Elain became pregnant and gave birth to a lovelyboy, a year after she became pregnant again with her secondchild, an adorable little girl, the perfect family but an end to usgoing out together anymore. They of course became friendlywith other families with children: me and Ann weren’tinterested in children. If we had been we would have hadperhaps ten of e’m and Ann wouldn’t have been on thecontraceptive pill for over thirty years. 376

Chapter 25 There was one thing that bothered me and Ann about ourhouse ´Wraymead` in Kingswood. After we had been there ayear, the next door neighbours, on the other side, the right side,decided to put fifteen conifers up to screen our house fromtheirs. No problem with that. The problem was that theyplanted them right next to our boundary fence. There was noway that any one from their side could get between them andour fence to prune them and look after them. We had a brickgarage next to the boundary and their conifers would haveeventually caused damage: subsidence, to its foundation. Therewas absolutely no need to plant them so near: their house wasabout a hundred feet away from the boundary. The only reasonthat they had done this, was because they couldn’t give a fuck. Our Gardner Sid had planted conifers for us to screencertain eye sores, like the Legal and General car park at the endof our garden. They didn’t bother us as our garden was twohundred and fifty feet long. But Sid still left six feet betweenthe conifers and the fence: plenty of room to prune and controlthem so as they didn’t look unsightly from there end. So, I declared war on my neighbours and their conifers. Ifilled a large watering can with a mixture of water and rootkiller. Every time they went on holiday, which was about threetimes a year, I would invade their property and dressed like acommando, hide between the fence and the conifers, becausethere could have been someone there looking after the house,and spray each conifer at the roots. I would drench them andthen make my retreat like a soldier back to base. I think thesaying goes, if you fuck me: I will fuck you. After two years of this, the conifers seemed to like what Iwas spraying on them and were going from strength tostrength. I checked the root killer powder, just in case I wasputting fertiliser on the bastards. Once they have got a hold 377

Chapter 25they are difficult trees to contain; that was why I was trying tocontain them. One Tuesday morning at about seven thirty, I was in mybathroom shaving at the sink, looking out of the window thatlooks over at the conifers. While I was shaving I was thinkingof the coming day: a busy day but also a boring one withvarious meetings to get through and I was thinking of aparticular meeting that always caused me problems. Then Islowly came back to reality and realised I was looking at fifteenblack dead conifers. They had a tree surgeon around to find out why this hadhappened. While they were talking to him, I was listening atmy window, I heard the wife say, “Do you think they poisonedthem?” He replied, “No, I wouldn’t think so, sometimes thesethings just happen, it could be the soil or concrete poisoning, asthey are very near to it!” Ann said to me, a few weeks before she died “Roy, I’mreally glad you killed them conifers, they should never hadplanted them that near.” The smoking cigarette scene was changing: a fewrestaurants were just starting to bring in bans. Most restaurantswere carrying on as normal, with no ban. I remember oneevening when me and Ann were at our favourite Thairestaurant in Sutton. Down stairs they had the bar and goodmusic; they would encourage me and Ann to bring our ownCDs in and were more than happy to play them. Upstairs wasthe restaurant which served wonderful Thai food. Me and Annhad been to many Thai restaurants all over the world includingThailand, so were able to judge. The owner, his wife and histwo gorgeous looking daughters ran the place. One evening in the week, Ann and me were upstairs in therestaurant. It was early and we were the only ones there and 378

Chapter 25we were smoking. Another couple came up to the restaurantand sat near to us, they weren’t smoking. After a while, one ofthe daughters came up to serve them and then they asked ifthey could move to a non-smoking table. She moved them fromone table to another that was slightly nearer to our table. Theysat there for a while and then left. On another occasion,Saturday evening, when it was very busy, a couple asked theowner if they could move to a non-smoking table. Heanswered, yes but it’s raining, and then went back to hiscigarette, burning on the side. Don’t know what happenedwhen the laws prohibited smoking. 379

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26 Compliance, regulation and exams *Compliance and regulation of the insurance industry means many things. One is exams. Towards the end of the millennium, we had to take exams and then, moreexams. Originally, when I started with Abbey Life we had inhouse exams to measure our capability out in the field. Theywere fairly easy and held in Abbey officers where an Abbeymanager would overview the whole procedure. 50% was a passmark and an Abbey manager would go over with you, whatyou had fallen short on. Very civilised. Now the exams werebeing held outside Abbey´s control: at exam depots with fullstrict procedure guidelines and the pass mark was 80%. I will never forget one exam. It was being held at an old exAstoria theatre in Brighton at 9am. The theatre had been closeddown for a while and reopened for these exams. I drove downby car. From Kingswood in Surrey where I lived, it took aboutan hour and a half, because of the traffic at that time of themorning. Especially at Reigate, where I met the M25 and thenthe M23. And it was pissing down with rain the whole time. I parked in the NCP which was only a five minute walkfrom the Astoria; the car park at that time of the morning waspractically empty. The Astoria had that musty smell whichcomes from being shut down for a while; there was about fiftyof us. This was a three and a half hour written exam andmuggins here, had brought the heaviest fucking pen in the 381

Chapter 26world. You know, one of those pens that cost a fortune but haveno relevance to a three and a half hour exam. After the exam was completed, I was talking to a participantand asked him what company he was with. He told me hewasn’t in the insurance industry, he just took the exam to seewhat it was like. It takes all sorts. . I walked, or should I say, my umbrella and I, was blown bythe wind, up the road, to the car park, with the rain now comingdown with a vengeance. At least it was far enough away fromthe sea: not to have seagulls shit on my head. The car park wasnow, choc a block full up and I had no idea where I had parkedmy car. An hour later I eventually found it. I opened the doorof the car and got in. I put the key in the ignition to start it andthen saw that the car radio and cassette player was gone. Thecar had been broken into and a few other items haddisappeared as well. One week later, I received the result of the exam: I hadfailed. When you failed an exam, they had this policy, that ifyou were within ten percent of the pass figure they would tellyou; I was within ten percent of the pass figure. So I had toarrange to take it all over again. I thought, should I commitsuicide now or have a coffee and a chocolate digestive biscuitfirst. Technology, can be good for you and can be bad for you. Inthis instance it was good for me. They started to make theexaminations available on computer. They also taught you oncomputer and allowed you to take mock exams on computer.End of story. (Did any fucker out there say, they wished it was.)From then on it became so much easier, especially for the righthand. There was a computerised exam depo in Croydon, whichwas fifteen minutes from where I lived. 382

Chapter 26 Initially, I still had to get used to exams via the computer.The first time I went to Croydon for My exam by computer, Ifailed. You guessed right, within ten percent. So, I did a lotmore study on the computer and took some more mock exams. You have to understand, that if I could not pass theseexams, I was out of the industry. Thirty years of comparativesuccess, down the drain. I was now in the Autumn of myworking life: this is where I was at my peak, a big client bankof quality people, most of them had been clients of mine fortwenty years or more. And the most important thing was thetrusted me. They knew that when the chips were down, I hadfound ways for them to survive. I created capital from theirhomes for them to get back up and become very successfulpeople. But if I could not pass these exams, I was out. Even Annwas becoming worried. I went back again to take the exam at Croydon. Settled intomy cubicle, here we go. The first two questions: I knewcomfortably. The next: fifty, fifty wright or wrong. The next:easy and so on. Then about two thirds of the way through; I felta very slight feeling of relief pass through me: I knew from thenon that I was probably going to pass and I did. After that exam, I knew that I had conquered the art oftaking exams on the computer. Once you have mastered thecomputer exam; it’s much easier to study and take exams.That’s why I believe that the increase in the passing rate ofGCEs exams in schools is not because the exams are easier butbecause students have the facilities of computers andsmartphones. One: they can access information quicker,secondly: studying with a computer is better because whenyou, say, give an answer, if it’s wrong the computer makes adepressing noise. When it’s right, the computer gives a noiselike a cheer. Believe me I know: these different sounds go right 383

Chapter 26to the centre of your brain and you can’t forget them even ifyou wanted to. The computer, sort of brain washes you tosucceed. Thank the fuck. During 1997, there was a growing concern about theamount of commissions paid to insurance brokers and Abbeylife was right in the forefront. The rules and regulations thatwere implemented at that time, eventually stopped Abbeyfrom competing in the market place. They officially stoppedtaking new business in April 2000. Allied Dunbar took over theassociates, who wanted to be taken over. Like many, I decidednot to go with them. Because of my length of service and thehigh amount of business I had achieved with Abbey, I was duea very attractive buy out. This is an amount of money that ispaid to you for your clients. It is spread over two years withcertain rules to abide by. I religiously abided by the rules andwas paid in full. After my father working hard all his life anddying with nothing to show for it. I got a lot of satisfaction fromreceiving this money for all my hard work. During this time, with the stricter regulations taking hold,all associates of Abbey had regular visits by inspectors. Thesewere instigated by head office at Bournemouth. One of thesevisits was particularly stressful. He came into my office at 9.30am. Young, about twentyeight years of age. 5ft 5ins. slim, dark blue suit, etc., he hadabout six files, that he wanted to go over with me. Weexchanged our pleasantries and sat down. I sat behind mydesk, he sat in front of it. He laid the files out upon my desk.He went methodically through each one, asking me questionsalong the way. A little like cat and mouse, unfortunately, mypart was the mouse. The questions he asked was all self-explanatory and I had no problems answering them. But whatI did notice, was as he went through each file, he was becoming 384

Chapter 26more and more nervous, until I started thinking, what the fuckis in file number six. I was right, he opened the sixth file andhis voice wavered a little and then he got started. I will not go into the case in detail because it was such astupid trumped up charge that it wouldn’t make sense. But hedecided that they had found something that needed furtherinvestigation: two ex CID gentleman would arrange to pay mea visit. A week later, they visited my office; one looked like SeanConnery the movie star and the other one looked, even fuckingmore like him, when he acted in the film “The offence”(The Offence is a 1972 British drama film directed by SidneyLumet, based upon the 1968 stage play This Story of Yours byJohn Hopkins. It stars Sean Connery as police detectiveJohnson, who kills a suspect Kenneth Baxter (Ian Bannen) whileinterrogating him. The film explores Johnson's varied, oftenaggressive attempts at rationalizing what he did, revealing histrue motives for killing the suspect in a series of flashbacks.Trevor Howard and Vivien Merchant appear in majorsupporting roles.) I was not amused and prepared myself for a tough time.9am to 5pm. Monday to Friday for two weeks. And it wastough, when you go through something like that, the quality oflife goes down the pan. It is important now to understand the whole situation. Ourcontracts were made up by Abbey Life’s executive associates.That’s me and my working colleague’s and it was as water tightas a ducks back. Lloyds Bank had now taken Abbey over andshortly after, compliance and regulation had come in andfucked everything up. Now a high percentage of Abbeyassociates were taking this practice buy out and costing Lloydsa fortune. Consequently as Lloyds couldn’t get around thewater tight contracts, they tried every other mean trick in the 385

Chapter 26book. Which, as you know, is only what you would expect of abank. Isn’t it? The longer the investigation went on, the grumpier thesetwo ex CID men got. At one point, one of them said, “We weretold by a reputable person that you were known as a man whocould get you a mortgage.” I had, had a pretty tough time upto now and was pleased to be able to kick them in the ballsoccasionally; this was one of those occasions. I replied, “WellI’m a mortgage broker you silly bastard, what do you think Ido.” When I arrived home, I would always go for a walk forabout twenty minutes before Ann got the dinner ready. Welived in a wonderful area, Kingswood, Surrey. They called itthe land of the rhododendrons and when you were there yourealised that all the hard work was worth it. During thisinvestigation I was going for my usual walk and thinking,when I realised that I had forgotten my name. I tried toremember but couldn’t and started to cry, and then I said. “Myname is Michael Cane.” I then said, “no its not you silly bastard,its Roy Prentice.” Thank you Michael. At the end of two weeks interrogation, they departed and Iheard nothing for about three weeks. I then received a booktype of package at my home, by recorded delivery. I thought itwas Leo Tolstoy’s ´War and Peace.` But it was a report whichbasically said they could not find anything wrong with the wayI handled the particular case in question, so the only avenue leftfor them to go down was to make a trumped up charge againstme: which meant that I was under supervision for a couple ofmonths. This meant that they had no proper evidence to be ableto stop my 250,000 pounds practice buy out. Believe me if theycould have stopped it they would have. The minor offence thatthey came up with, was to cover themselves for wasting 386

Chapter 26everybody’s time. Anything more would have been kicked outof court, simply because I had done nothing wrong. I willalways remember the two Sean Connery’s. God may theirsouls rest in shit. 387

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27 Abbey Life closes for new business *The last few years at Abbey had been very difficult for all their associates: compliance and regulation had practically stopped us working long before the year2000. In the past, executive and chairman club members:associates who achieved a high level of business, would meet 3or 4 times a year to exchange business ideas and look at waysof increasing their business. These meeting would be held invarious hotels around the Surrey and Sussex countryside. Theywould take in an afternoon in very pleasant surroundings andyou would come away with some good ideas, to perhapsimplement in the coming months. I will always remember thelast meeting that we had of these, there was no talk of ways toimprove your business. The whole afternoon was about how toget it past compliance and regulation. The death knell wasnigh.The guardian. Newspaper, Money column. Feb. 2nd, 2000(Abbey Life, the insurance unit of Lloyds TSB, is to be closed tonew business and its direct sales force sold to Allied Dunbar.The announcement yesterday ends long-running speculationabout the troubled operation. The bank will make a £98mprovision in its accounts for the loss on the sale. Allied Dunbar, part of Zurich Financial Services, is buyingthe sales force for £100m, of which £20m is conditional on sales 389

Chapter 27targets being met in the next two years. The acquisition willcreate the largest single direct sales force in Britain.) For a while, I was contemplating whether to go the AlliedDunbar route or continue on my own. Paul Newman, who youmay remember, was the Abbey manager who brought me intothe business, was now with Allied Dunbar. He had the job tosmooth the changeover for Abbey associates to Allied Dunbar.Obviously, having been a manager at Abbey and quite apopular person, he was ideal for this position.At this difficult time, a crossroads in my life, a strange sensual happening occurred in my office. Michelle hadbeen Paul Herbert’s secretary for about three years. When heleft Abbey Life, she went into the main admin office,downstairs from my office. Obviously she wasn’t over happyabout it but I suppose it gave her time to look around forsomething elsewhere. She was twenty one years of age, blond hair, five foot sixinches tall and absolutely gorgeous. Possible one of the mostbeautiful girls I had ever seen. We never talked to one anothervery much because there was never much reason to. Her beingPauls secretary, they may have been having an affair, they maynot have been. But it was strictly a hands-off situation. She toldme in one of the few conversations we had that she had goneto an audition at a modelling agency, but after a few photoswere taken and a couple of meetings, they told her that shedidn’t have the right type of face to be photogenic. They weretwo guys. Two right prats as far as I was concerned. Occasionally, when I was driving my car to work; as I cameoff the last roundabout to our office’s, I would look in my rear 390

Chapter 27mirror and surprisingly see her in her car, right up close to myrear bumper, giving me a wonderful smile. She never seemed to get too involved in things, she sort ofghosted around doing everything efficiently with a sort ofrefined elegance. As I said before, a gorgeous looking chic. Isuppose I just felt that she was out of my reach. Too gorgeous,to refined, too tall and too Paul. Consequently, I didn’t reallythink very much about her. A sunny warm day, blue sky, not a cloud in sight. I’m in myoffice on my own sitting at my desk. Everyone’s gone to lunch.I hear footsteps coming along the corridor and then they stop,I look up and there slightly leaning against the frame of thedoor is Michelle. She looks down at me half smiling and says,“Hi Roy, I shouldn’t really do this but I must, when I was aschool girl I used to compete in a lot of athletics, runningmainly. My thighs are really strong and firm. Let me showyou.” And with that she came around the desk and half got onit with her right leg up and her left straight down, a little likewhen you’re in the starting blocks at the beginning of a race.She said. I said fuck all, I couldn’t believe what was happening,she said, “Go ahead Roy, feel my thighs and tell me what youthink.” I placed my hand on her left thigh and caressed thesmooth firm white skin, gently going up and down and then Iheld her bum firmly and slid my hand up her thigh until itcame to her panties. I could see her pubic hairs popping out ofthe side of the panties, I could smell the sweet perfume of herpussy juices in all my senses, Should I slip my fingers inside thepanties and gently caress her pussy lips and then follow withmy tongue and give her the pleasure she so much deserved. No, I couldn’t, so I withdrew my hand and said, “You surehave lovely firm thighs Michelle,” I could hear myself sayingthe words but couldn’t believe I was saying them and then I 391

Chapter 27said “now I must make an urgent phone call, so if you’ll excuseme.” She looked like she was in a trance, totally amazed at theoutcome. She said, “Ok, I’ll let you get on with it.” And thatwas that, we never mentioned anything about it again. Why did I turn down one of the best pussy`s in the marketplace? I sat at my desk and thought. I had just finished agruelling two week interrogation by two ex CID bastards. I hada 250,000 pounds practice buyout in the balance, who knowswhat would have happened if they had found out about meand Michelle enjoying ourselves in my office. Remember JimManual was instantly dismissed because he had sex in theoffice. I could have lost the practice buyout. Althoughpersonally I couldn’t think of anything more glories thanmaking love to Michelle in my office. I was in the middle of taking exams, which was not goingwell for my new career with Allied Dunbar and also thinkingabout leaving altogether and setting up on my own as anindependent Financial Adviser. On top of all this, Ann was notlooking too good and I was becoming worried about her. If I had got together with Michelle, I would have wantedmore and the technic that I used, to make love to a woman, shewould have wanted more too. She may have just been havinga laugh but I promise you that by the time I had finishedfucking Michelle, she would have been taking me veryseriously and I would have been in love with her. Michele was a really nice person, different from anyone Ihad known. I Could possible even have left Ann for her. ThenAnn would have died alone and haunted me for the rest of mylife, but if I had been with Michelle, I would definitely not havehad a relationship with Rachel. And never to have had arelationship or a child with Rachel is something that I wish for,more than anything else in life. 392

Chapter 27 I am not a wham bam type of person, all the girls I have hadaffairs with I loved, they were the ones who moved on. If I had,had an affair with Michelle it would have been serious. I believethat she would have loved my lifestyle and enhanced it evenmore with her class and intelligence. Conclusion……… Ishould have fucked Michelle in the office; bollocks. Before you could start with Allied Dunbar, there weremany, many exams to pass. So while I was contemplating myposition, I decided to start taking the exams. Although I have taken part in many escapades during mylife, me and Ann, have in actual fact, only been apart from oneanother for a whole night, five times in forty one years. That’sprobably one of the reasons why our marriage survived. Twice:when I was in menswear I had to open new shops in the WestEnd and the other three times: when I was being a bit naughty. Allied Dunbar had setup a course for its perspectiveassociates in Brighton, Monday to Friday. All associates wereto stay the week at a very nice nearby hotel with all meals paidfor. Not me, no way. I could not think of many things worsethan to be cooped up with a bunch of blokes for a week. So theyarranged for a taxi to take me down to Brighton each day andbring me, late afternoon, back to my wonderful wife andfabulous home. Another time they run a course in Bournemouth. Allassociates, again, were to stay in a hotel etc. Of course it was fartoo long a journey to go back and forth by taxi. So I phoned thehotel and because Abbey was giving them a lot of business,asked if they would let me have their best suite in the hotel forweek at a good price. They gave me a very good discount plusAbbeys payment, I paid very little extra. Ann and I arrived. Alovely suite, I studied all day while Ann did some shopping in 393

Chapter 27Bournemouth and used the hotels facilities including a lovelySpa, to relax. Every morning we would have breakfast in our suite; Iwould have a quick breakfast and go down to the meeting,while Ann would have a breakfast with all the trimmings andtake all the time in the world. We would meetup at about fivein the evening, have a drink and then go to dinner. The last night Thursday, Friday late afternoon we would begoing home, we went for our usual dinner. We chose for themain course, sliced filleted beef with the normal trimmings.Accompanied by a Cabernet and Shiraz red wine. A dodgywine for the occasion: strong and vibrant which can sometimesbring out the argumentative side of one’s personality. Well itworked on us, we started arguing towards the end of the mealand it carried on to our suite. When we entered our bedroom Isaw that the bed had not been laid back, so I called reception.The manager quickly came up and laid the bed back. Ann wentbananas, she rightly, couldn’t believe that I had called any oneup for such a simple thing. The next morning was Friday: the day of the exam, what thelast four days had been all about. I awoke with a dreadfulheadache and hangover which was made worse by the memoryof arguing the night before. Bollocks, I thought, fuck the examI’m going home and I never want to hear the name AlliedDunbar again. 394