6 x 9 TEMPLATE The manuscript copy new headers 25-11-18

28 The world is my oyster *So, my relationship with Abbey Life and Allied Dunbar ended and I continued in the business with an insurance broker in Carshalton. They were clients of Mike Kapnisiand he had put me in touch with them. There were two brokerswho owned the company and about five of us who workedthere. They were nice enough people but I soon realised it justwasn’t my scene. After working with a big ultra-professionalcompany like Abbey Life, the come down was too severe and areal career low. Carshalton is a lovely town in Surrey, its situated in thevalley of the River Wandle, one of the sources of which isCarshalton Ponds in the centre of the village, but the insuranceoffices were just off this, in a lane that seemed lost in time. Adepressing place to be. For some months, Martin Blake of BDS had been phoningme with regard to working under the umbrella of his company.They were a much bigger company and the way they operatedwas much more like I was used to, with Abbey, so I arrangedfor him to visit me in my office, at home. He was a really nice guy and we connected straight away.With BDS I would be totally in charge of my own company andtheir main job was to make sure that all my business wascompliant. There percentage of my commission on life businesswas the smallest in the market place and anyway I charged formortgages upfront and also received commission from the 395

Chapter 28mortgage companies and BDS had nothing to do with that.They would also keep me up to date with everything that wasgoing on in the industry and notify me when certain exams hadto be passed, important changes in legislation and so on. I feltthat this was exactly the type of company I was looking for, sodecided to give it a try. So now, I was an ´Independent Mortgage Broker.`Appointed representative of BDS Group Ltd. I worked fromhome and all my clients came to see me in my big office.Compliance went through BDS and I was never happier. We had sold the properties in Tenerife and left Abbey life:which meant no more conventions, so now had to find a luxuryhotel where we could enjoy the sun. I spent some time lookingat various holiday resorts and finally, after extensiveinvestigations came up with the Royal Hotel, Sanremo, Italy. Five star luxury. The Royal Hotel is 12 minutes’ walk fromthe beach. Set in over 16000 m² of tropical gardens, set on theseafront promenade, a 5-minute walk from Sanremo Casino. Itfeatures a modern spa and outdoor pool with large sun terrace. Rooms at the Royal Hotel combine antique furniture withmodern amenities such as air conditioning, satellite TV and aminibar. All rooms feature a marble bathroom with a bathrobeand slippers and some have a sea view. We always stayed inthe Royal Suit which had an enormous terrace overlooking thegardens and the sea. Very large bedroom with tall, wide doubleoak doors leading to the Grand lounge, our own siting room. Ibooked this suite nine months ahead of the time we required it,because of the demand. A table in the restaurant, near thewindow overlooking the sea, twelve months before the time werequired it. The Restaurant Fiori Di Murano was a wonderfulplace to have dinner. Five courses, each course quite big but 396

Chapter 28you never felt to full up; to go to the sweet trolley at the end ofthe meal. All these wonderful venues were of course the ideal placesfor Ann to wear her jewellery. Diamonds, emeralds, sapphires,she would get through the lot by the end of the stay. On onestay at the Royal, I asked the concierge if he could recommenda good jewellery shop. He recommended a shop that waswithin walking distance. Me and Ann spent some time at theshop until we she found exactly what she wanted. Fourteencarat gold chain with a pendant of One emerald surrounded bydiamonds. Beautiful, expensive and simple. A short walk from the Royal Hotel, along the lovelypromenade to the left was a sort of night club: set on the beachwith an attractive bar serving excellent cocktails, plenty of seatsand very stylish people. The latest sounds came from highquality speakers and at ten thirty an indie rock group wouldcome onto the stage and play two sessions lasting about anhour with an hour in-between. Unfortunately I cannotremember the group’s name but they were very good, theyplayed a lot of the ´Killers` numbers and ´Maroon 5.` Right upme and Ann’s street. Maroon 5 later had a hit single with´Moves like Jagger` I particularly liked the video of this withAguilera Christina. Whenever I see it, I just think it’s fantastic. (The music video for \"Moves Like Jagger\" was directed byJonas Akerlund and filmed in Los Angeles, California on July8, 2011. On July 9, Aguilera posted an image of herself from thevideo shoot via Twitter, saying, \"Always great to see JonasAkerlund. He created the perfect feel for the song. Expect a funvideo.\" The image showed Aguilera performing with a band infront of a background of the American flag. Four shirtlessimages of Levine from the shoot were also released online thesame day. More images from the video shoot were released 397

Chapter 28online on July 11, showing Levine and Aguilera performing infront of an American and British-themed backdrop withconfetti falling from the ceiling. Another image showedAguilera performing in front of a black backdrop with hername \"Christina\" shown in pink. Rolling Stones frontman MickJagger made an appearance in the video \"via archive footage.\"The music video premiered on August 8th. Jonas Akerlund haswon many awards for his music videos including Madonna’s“Ray of Light,\" \"Live Kisses\" a Paul McCartney concert film andmany more.) Anyway, back to Sanremo. We loved the Royal Hotel andhad some great times there. We also visited the casino and hada look around. Not for me, life is enough of a gamble as I havefound out to my cost in later years. Every year the Royal Hotelwould send us Christmas and new year cards and a beautifulA4 leather bound Diary. At this time, when my business was now going in a newdirection, without the protection of Abbey life, Jack Hamiltonasked me to invest into his company. To purchase some sharesin his company for the value of seventy to eighty thousandpounds. I certainly had the money, but it was just not the righttime. A few months later, when I was more settled down in mynew business situation and I would have said yes. Mike was my accountant, so he of course knew all thedetails of my practise buy out and probably told Jack. If I hadtaken advantage of Jacks offer, I would have made a lot ofmoney and been very grateful to Mike. Mike would have puttwo clients together to make money. Now that’s what you calla good accountant. 398

Chapter 28At the beginning of 2002: me and Ann at the ages of fifty seven and fifty five respectively, decided to revisit ourmillion air lifestyle playground; Tenerife. We looked throughthe relevant brochures and all the information on the internet.Eventually we came up with the Gran Tacande a new hotellocated in an exclusive area of Costa Adeje, it overlooks the seaand has beautiful views of Tenerife. This fabulous five-starhotel consists of four colonial-style blocks with a traditionalCanarian theme running throughout. The service is impeccablewith 24 hour room service and a pillow menu available in therooms and excellent facilities such as a luxurious spa withthermal circuit and a choice of bars and restaurants. We had a lovely time there and enjoyed revisiting all ourlocal haunts. ´The Waikiki Bar` was still there but a little moresubdued: no cocktail barmen wearing grass skirts and the latestsounds blaring out on good quality speakers. Our wonderfulnightclub had been replaced by, you’ve guessed it, a healthcentre. Still there was a lot of new places that had sprung upand it was interesting to see just how much development therehad been. Although The Gran Tacande was a five star hotel it had alot to learn and I set about teaching it. At the end of our stay theManager came up to our suite to wish us a good bon voyage.He also said that the hotel had learnt a lot from our stay on howto be a top quality hotel. Me and Ann had really enjoyed ourstay there and decided to go back the next year. We didn’tknow that the holiday we had just had was going to be the lastholiday we would ever have together again. 399

Chapter 28 400

29 Nightmare time *One Sunday morning Ann was in her bathroom, leaning forward to clean her teeth, when she had terrible pain down her right hip and leg. The pain quickly becameconstant and was so bad it prevented her from sleeping. Aftera few days, we went to our doctor, Dr Verity. He sent her to aphysiotherapist who then recommended a Dr Rahman atAshtead Private Hospital. After a consultation with Dr Rahman, he suggested thatAnn should go into the Hospital for tests. So, on the 5th ofAugust 2003 we went into Ashtead Hospital; a private ward.Two beds, side by side. One for Ann and one for me. The threedays we were there also happened to be the three hottest daysin August for many years, about 90 degrees. We were on thetop (second floor) and there was no air conditioning eventhough this was an expensive private hospital. On the secondevening Ann insisted I go back home and water the garden andthen come back. Which I did. The Third afternoon they broughther back from the main tests. The one where they put thecamera down you. She looked so frail: I knew we were introuble. That evening at about seven pm, just as we were goingto have a glass of white wine before our dinner, Dr Rahmancame in and told us the bad news. He showed us the X-rayswhich clearly showed a tumour growing high in the left lung.Ann’s response to this was that it was better than growinglower down. 401

Chapter 29 A year before, we had visited my brother in theHammersmith Hospital. He was dying of stomach cancer.When we there, the Doctor came in and told him that he had atumour and basically, he was going to die. Because the doctorhadn’t mentioned cancer, my brother turned to me and said,“Ah well, that isn’t too bad then” and meant it. Whensomething comes along that is to terrible to accept, the brainseems to initially reject it. After Dr Rahman left our ward, me and Ann sat there andsweated in the heat. The wine didn’t taste so good anymore. We saw Dr O’Brien on the 28th August. She was an Irishlady. We discussed the various treatments and chemotherapywas the one Dr O’Brien advised. Looking back, I now realisethat this was the wrong advice: Ann was far too fragile to takeon the destruction of chemotherapy. Dr Obrien said thatwithout chemo, Ann would last only about 8 months but withit, eighteen months. She had chemo and died in six. Withoutchemo, but taking more helpful drugs, we could have had areasonable quality of life for about 5 months. Time to go on acruise and be together. With chemo, Ann was sufferingintolerably from day one; the chemo didn’t prolong anything,it just finished her off quickly and made her suffer much, muchmore. I’m not sure what I mean by this, but with Chemo the totalcost at the end of the day was thirty four thousand pounds. So,somebody earnt out of it. Let’s hope this didn’t compromise theadvice. While Ann was recuperating from the Chemo in her privateward at the hospital, my brother John’s wife, Dee and their sonTony came to see her and it was lovely for the four of us to betogether at this very difficult time for Ann. Dee drove fromDevon too Eastbourne to pick Tony up and the on to the 402

Chapter 29hospital. In all about seven hours of travelling and then sevenhours back. My brother John has an illness that doesn’t allowhim to leave the house so he didn’t come. We were back home in Kingswood. The home we loved.The home we had put everything into. Our lives, our dreamsand our hopes for the future were all in this wonderful houseof ours. We had methodically put this house together over thepast 29 years to give us a home that satisfied all ourrequirements and dreams and we loved every minute we livedthere. The last six months of Ann’s life is far to upsetting for me todescribe in detail, so I will just write about certain memoriesthat will always stay in the mind. The first decision we made,was that we must make the best of the time we had together.As I mentioned the chemo prevented us from going on holiday.We had to live as normal life as possible. Ann knew she wasdying but you can’t wake up every morning and say oh myGod I’m dying. You blank it out and live as normal life as youcan. The difficult thing is you get used to a certain rhythm fora couple of months, then Ann would drop down to a lowerrhythm and so on and each time you had to adjust. One afternoon, me and Ann went to Tesco’s in Burgh Heathto do the shopping. As we were walking through the entrance,Ann broke down crying. She just couldn’t do it anymore. Thevastness of the building together with all the people was justtoo much for her. She wanted too, but couldn’t. So we went intothe photo booth which was just before the entrance and tooksome photos of her for her disabled pass and then I drove herhome, which was only a five minute drive and I returned to dothe shopping. It doesn’t sound much but it was dreadfullyupsetting. 403

Chapter 29 A very difficult journey was the one I made to buy Ann herlast Christmas present, which I now knew was going to be herlast Christmas before she died. I was going to buy her a Jacketand trousers from ´Josephs,` the shop she loved. I was alsoaware that she would be cremated in these clothes. Nicethoughts for an afternoons shopping in Knightsbridge. I spenta long time over choosing the garments, but eventually foundwhat I knew she would like. Now I had to hide it away in thehouse until Christmas. Ann decided that as this was going to be her last Christmaswe would invite all her family down for the big meal onChristmas day. Her sister Kathy, her husband David and theirtwo daughters Rachel with boyfriend Paul and Rebecca withhusband Matt. Ann was deteriorating fast, her memory wasgoing and she seemed to get mixed up with the days. When Iget near to death, I’m sure that I will get mixed up with a lotmore, but it was difficult planning such an occasion at this time. I was in Croydon at Marks and Spencer ordering the turkey,then on to Sainsburys for the wine and other things hoping Annwas ok back home. When I arrived back home I would pop upto my office and check on a few mortgages that were goingthrough and then back downstairs to give Ann her correctmedication and then make the dinner. Mentally, physically andemotionally it was shattering. But I still had Ann and that wasall that mattered. Now, I would give my life up, for just a fewmore days with Ann as she was then. Christmas eve: I went to collect the turkey and other thingsfrom Marks and Spencer and sundry at the Whitgift Centre. Ithen took it all back to the car which was parked in the WhitgiftCentre. The time was about two thirty in the afternoon. It tookme three and half hours to get out of the car park: the outsideroad was so packed with slow moving cars that only one car, 404

Chapter 29from the Whitgift Centre car park, was able to leave everycouple of minutes, there were about sixty or more cars, beforeme, all trying to leave the car park. I was starting to panic, I hada lot of shopping that was meant to be kept cold and what aboutAnn. Christmas day and thankfully everything came to togethersuccessfully. Ann cooked the chicken perfectly and everyoneenjoyed their dinner. Considering the circumstances, I think thewhole day was a great success and everyone played their part.Afterwards, Ann told me how much she had enjoyed the day.We all arranged to go to a New Year’s Eve party at a localvenue, but when the time came, Ann didn’t feel well enough. Three months before Ann died, I said to her “Ann I’m goingto stop working now so I can look after you better.” She replied,“Oh Roy, you can’t do that, we need the income.” Although wedidn’t, she became very upset, so I continued working andbecause I worked from home I had to be seen to be working. Atthis time, I was mainly into mortgages and anyone who knowsanything about being a mortgage broker will tell you, you can’twork at it part time. In most circumstances, a mortgage is oneof the most important transactions in one’s life. Whether it’s fora mortgage on your dream house or to stop you going bust withyou wife and kids ending up on the street. It’s pretty importantstuff and difficult to concentrate on when you wife is dyingfrom cancer. I remember being with a client, husband and wife,completing the paperwork and crying my eyes out. Him withhis arm around my shoulders and his wife holding my otherhand. One morning, I heard a crash in Ann’s bathroom. I rushedin to find her on the floor, badly bruised. I rang the people nextdoor. The wife came in to help Ann while I rang for the Doctor. 405

Chapter 29He came and took care of her. He then spoiled it all by takingme to one side and saying, “When they get to this stage theirbetter off dead, really.” He was totally wrong of course. We hadat least another couple of months of quality life to go, whichwas more precious than anything in the world. Ann needed to have a shower; so I put a plastic chair in forher to sit on while I washed her with a soft sponge. She thenstood up so I could wash her bum. There was no bum. It haddisappeared. There was only bone. There was also a sack ofskin that swept down and laid on the floor. “What’s it like atthe back, Roy, is everything Ok” “yes, its fine, everything’sOk.” I replied. Another time, Ann was laying on the 3-seater sofa in thelounge and said, “I want to die, I want to die” she said “I don’twant to stay here anymore. I want to go into a nursing homeand die there.” “Ok I will talk with the Kingswood nursinghome and arrange it for you.” I went down to the nursinghome, it was only on the corner, a few minutes away. When Icame back she had gone asleep. We never mentioned it again. Ann decided that she needed an office to be able to run thehousehold properly. So I purchased an office desk and chairand we set it up in the dining room. She used to sit at it forhours doing this and that. Of course it was too late now, herbrain just couldn’t operate properly, but it made her happy andat this stage, that was all that mattered. Thinking this over: shewas right, she should have had her own office years ago. Awoman should. Ann prepared my expenses and tax detailsmeticulously for our accountant, declared to me each monthhow much we needed to transfer from the business account tothe personal account. Never enough of course and many othertransactions. There was easy enough room in the house for herto have a proper office. 406

Chapter 29 Angela Francis Quin wanted a summer house to be built atthe bottom of the garden. She thought it would be a nice placeto while away the hours while she recuperated from thedreadful chemotherapy treatment she was going through andslowly became well again. We obtained quotes and looked atseveral brochures and decided on the one we wanted. A fewdays after, we received the shattering news that the chemotreatment had not been successful and Ann had only a shorttime to live. We were sitting in our conservatory in theafternoon and she said in an unemotional way “Ah well Roy,we won’t need the summer house now.” Home help nurses who came twice a week on the last monthor so before Ann died, said to me that I should now think ofputting Ann into a Hospice for the last couple of weeks. I toldthem that me and Ann had been together since she wasseventeen and me nineteen, over forty one years and we wouldbe together until one of us died. Ann loved our home and thatis where she wanted to die. They said, bear in mind that whenthat happens, I will not be able to continue living in the house.No one ever can. As it turned out, I didn’t continue to live thereeither but that had nothing to do with Ann’s death. If certainevents had not taken place, I would be there now. I loved theKingswood house and to be there now would be wonderfuland make me feel as near to Ann as I possibly could be. Three days before she died, Ann got up and leaned on herframer and went around the sitting room. Slowly, very, verycarefully, looking at all the wonderful things we had collectedover the years. The Dresden and the Meissen porcelainsfigures, standing proudly in their beautiful cabinets, the onyxtables and lamp stands. Our collection of paintings. Everyobject brought back memories of the lovely days we spenttogether looking for them and finding them. Days of staying in 407

Chapter 29a classy expensive hotel. Having a wonderful dinner the nightbefore, then a leisurely breakfast and then going in search forsomething to add to our collection of wonderful things. Whenwe found something we liked, we would go for a coffee anddecide if we could afford it. We always decided we could. Ann was laying down on the special hospital bed that hadbeen brought in for her. We had put it in the dining room soshe could look out the window and see our wonderful gardenthat she and I loved so much. About 11. am. I was standing nextto her when she suddenly grabbed my wrist with both herhands and with all her strength, slightly pulled herself up. “Idon’t want to die, I don’t want to die.” She said and thencollapsed. Before I could move she suddenly grabbed mywrists again and said, “I’m not going to die, I’m not going die.”Those were the last words Ann said to me. Shortly after sheslipped into a coma and died later that evening at 22.22pm.Since the age of six, when I was talking to a school friend: wedecided what our lucky and unlucky numbers would be. Idecided mine would be 3 for lucky and I think you’ve guessedthe unlucky one. 2. After Ann died I went upstairs to the bathroom to clean myteeth. I felt a sense of relief that she was not suffering any more,or was it because, I wasn’t suffering any more. She had made itvery clear in her last words to me that she wanted to live, evensuffer, as long as possible. To suffer is at least to feel. To be deadis to feel nothing at all for ever. As I brushed my teeth, suddenlya tight ball of depression came into my stomach and slowlywent up my body. I held on to the sink and then all I wanted todo was die, as soon as possible. Believe me, you could not livewith this feeling for more than a few seconds. The depressionwent straight up through my head and away. Thank God. 408

Chapter 29 When Ann died, I had been holding her hand and I believeher spirit passed into me. When I went upstairs to clean myteeth, it must have said. “Fuck you” and left. For the last 6 months, I had been the sole carer for Ann. Thenurses came twice a week but only in the last month; beforethat they didn’t come at all. Her family came for a couple ofhours once a week. All the other time it was just me and Ann. Ihad to cut myself off from emotion, otherwise it would havebeen impossible to cope. I had to remain healthy and never cryin front of Ann. She on the other hand was incredible. Otherthan the one day when she talked about the nursing home, shenever cried or got sorry for herself. Her bravery and dignityright to the end was an example to everyone. The days sheknew her family were coming to visit, she would spend hoursin the bathroom getting herself ready so she could look herbest. In the last 3 months Ann was confined to a wheelchair. Iused to help her into the car and put the wheelchair in the boot.I also had to drive slowly because although she had her seatbelt on, she would roll about on the seat because there washardly anything left of her. We went to Croydon at this stage.While there, we went into a café in Grants but had to leavebecause Ann thought two people were talking about her. Annwas very distraught, it was heart-breaking. For me, the difficult thing, is to come to terms with the factthat whatever I did for Ann was not enough, because what shedid for me in my life was so much more.When my brother Alfie died the year before, me and Ann looked after all the funeral arrangements. We were alsothe only ones to attend the service. The day before, I had aconversation with the Church of England reverend. I discussed 409

Chapter 29and went over my brother’s life, with him. The good, the badand the ugly, for about no more than twenty minutes. Ann and I was standing there in this very big church, aloneexcept for the reverend who stood in his pulpit and proceededto give a sermon. He spoke for over forty five minutes aboutAlfie’s life and everything that had happened to him. I wasstunned, it was the most heartfelt, detailed account on aperson’s life that you could wish for. When Ann died, the day before her funeral service, I had along conversation with the catholic priest. As you can imagine,I told him all about Ann and what a wonderfully good personshe was. We were in a catholic church, with a congregation of oversixty people and this idiot says no more than ten words. To me,he looked drunk. I couldn’t believe it. Ann’s two nieces were useless, theyboth individually stood up to talk about Ann and then brokedown in tears. So this idiot the priest goes to basically close theshow. I stood up and said, hold on, I would like to saysomething about my wife and then I go on to say all the thingsI told him the day before. Afterwards, I gave him a tip, now Iwould give him a good kick up the ass. Another example of this was when I was going to marryAnn. First I had to go with Ann to see her priest and haveinstructions from him over a period of months. I don’tremember anything he told me. What I do remember is it wasvery solemn and boring. Then I had to go and see my Reverendof the church of England. I went to his house and knocked onthe door, he opened the door with a big grin on his face andfive children, the baby in his arms and the other four clusteredaround is legs. He asked me into his house; shouted up to hiswife as we went into the lounge. He informed me of certain 410

Chapter 29procedures, laughing and playing with his children. After awhile his wife came down and helped with the kids. She was avery attractive woman. I thought I could’ve had five kids withher. What did I obtain from all this? If you’re a catholic, youcan’t do anything you want and if you’re not a catholic you can. The funeral reception for Ann was held at Woodlands Parkhotel in one of their private rooms. Set in the green Surreycountryside, Woodlands Park is the perfect retreat. Originallybuilt in 1885, today the hotel is fully refurbished to the higheststandard yet retaining much of its Victorian Grandeur. Oakpanelled rooms and numerous antiques, it provides the righttype of facilities and setting for a funeral reception. Ann wouldhave approved. At the reception everything went as it should.At one stage Kathy introduced me to a couple who she said,knows more about Angela, especially when she was a child,than I do. After being with Ann for forty one years, I found thathard to believe and if they knew more about her as a child thenwhy didn’t they do something about her ill-treatment by theuncle. Kathy and Rachel very kindly stayed with me that evening.We were in my suite, the best one of course, until late in thenight. We reminisced about all the good times we’d had withAnn and many things. Also Dee did the same journey again with Tony, to be thereat the funeral, where she was really needed and was veryhelpful to me. She was the only bright thing in a dreadful day.Dee is an intelligent, beautiful, calm and organised person andI will never forget her kindness to me over the years. Another person who was at the funeral was Elsie, my auntieon my mum’s side. She was about eighty three at the time anddied a year later when of course I went to her funeral. She wasalso someone who me and Ann had kept it touch with over the 411

Chapter 29years. When she was a young woman, her and her husbandwere quite a celebrity pair. Good looking and quite wealthy forthe times; he run his own business and was also the pianoplayer at all the parties.Two weeks after Ann died, her sister Kathy phoned me and asked if I would arrange a re mortgage for her and herhusband David. I told her that it wasn’t possible because of mystate of mind, but she begged me to, saying that they wouldlose everything if I didn’t and that Ann had promised her thatI would. I wasn’t very pleased that she had been bothering Annwith this, while she was so ill. I re mortgaged them and savedtheir lives. All mortgages are life and death. About a month after the funeral me and Kathy went forlunch at the Kingswood arms, we talked a lot of course aboutAnn and many other things, at one stage I said to her, I’m agood catch, she replied yes you are. The Kingswood armsconservatory restaurant was a nice place to be on a sunny dayin June and we spent an enjoyable afternoon there. I was reading Bob Wagner’s autobiography the other dayand he says that when his wife Natalie Wood died, his friendsand children saved his life. Six weeks after Ann’s death, I tookAnn’s sister and her husband to dinner one evening.Everything seemed to be going okay. We went back to myhome at Kingswood and during the conversation Ann’s sisterKathy said to me “My husband would have looked after memuch better than you did Ann when she was dying.” This wasin the home where me and Ann had been together for 30 yrs.and where she had died. Kathy now says she doesn’t remembersaying this. I will remember it to the day I die. 412

Chapter 29 Most of the time Kathy can be quite pleasant but I genuinelybelieve that the Devil comes up from Hell and borrows hertongue now and again and because he takes her over, shewouldn’t remember it would she? Three months after Anndied, I realised that I had lost one and half stone in weight, mytailor was getting worried about me. A few weeks after Ann died, I phoned my brother John.During the conversation, about Ann, I started to cry. I willnever forget what he said, “Pull yourself together, man. There’splenty more fish in the sea.” Jack Hamilton, Simon Lambert and Mike Kapnisi were theworst offenders. We had, had our ups and downs over theyears but to take it out on my wife was unforgivable. I hope bynow, that you have realised that Ann was a really good personand deserved the utmost respect. But these people chose herfuneral to vent their feelings and never phoned or paid theirrespects. I do not know why they behaved so badly. Probablythey are just bad people. Randalls Park Crematorium is where Ann’s ashes lie: in aplot within the walled garden, with a place next to hers, waitingfor me. Someone said to me the other day “When you die Roy,Ann will be waiting for you in heaven” The way he said itstopped me dead in my tracks. A couple of years after Ann died I rang Sid to ask him if hewould like to visit her grave with me on the anniversary of herdeath. Sid was our gardener for twenty seven years. He saidyes. So I drove over to pick him up and take him there. Whenwe were driving there I told him that I had tried to contact himmany times shortly after Ann’s death to invite him to thefuneral. He replied that round about that time he had had abarrage of cold calling on his phone so bad that he had stoppedanswering the phone. There was a blue sky and although the 413

Chapter 29sun was bright it was quite cold. There was only a slight windand when we went into the walled garden it felt verymelancholy. We put our flowers down and gave our ownspecial prayers to Ann. Afterwards we went to the WoodlandsPark hotel and had tea. 414

30 Aftermath *John Barry was a client and a friend. He’s son Jeremy was also a client and when he was getting married they asked me to the wedding and reception. Actually it was Jeremysfiancée who phoned me and asked me. She knew that my wifehad recently died and that I was in a bad way. She spoke to meon the phone for a long time. She commiserated with me overAnn’s death and went on to say how everyone there who knewme, loved me and would always be grateful to me foreverything I had done for them. Without the mortgages andremortgages over the years they would not now be in such agood financial and happy state. She promised me that when Icame, they would make me feel more than one of the familyand would really look after me. I was deeply appreciative andtold her I would be coming. An invitation followed in the post. The day of the wedding came: it was a lovely summers day,no wind, blue skies and with no sign of a cloud. I was up early,showered, shaved and ready and then the dark clouds camealong. Not in the sky but in my mind. It was too soon afterAnn’s death, my soul which incorporates the mind and thespirit was too badly damaged and couldn’t go forward to newpastures green. Too soon, it was going to be too soon for a verylong time. Since Ann’s death my mind had been taken over byan unfamiliar feeling of pessimism. For the first time in my lifeI was uncertain about who I was and unsure about the future. 415

Chapter 30 I couldn’t face being with people as a single man on my ownwith everyone being sympathetic with me. When I thoughtabout it, the last thing I wanted was to go to a wedding whichis a beginning of a marriage when in my case, death was theend of a marriage. So, I didn’t go and I didn’t ring becauseeveryone would have been busy at that time. I also just didn’twant to. Instead I spent the whole day in the garden that meand Ann loved. I pottered about deweeding some borders andplanting flowers in the marble pots that surround the patio.Half way through, I had tea sitting at out garden table andchairs and relaxing in the warm afternoon sunshine; theycertainly had weather-wise, a lovely day and no wind: perfectfor the wedding photos. I sat on my chair drinking my tea andthought about the sad events of the last year and what life nowhad in store for me. After Ann died, I was so lonely in the house, that I phonedup some woman friends, who were either clients or theirspouses were. I then asked each one individually, if they wouldcome to lunch with me one afternoon. They all said yes, ofcourse they would. A day or two later, each one rang back andsaid they couldn’t, as their husbands had objected. They wereof course very considerate and understanding and were verysorry. I suppose if a man in my circumstances had asked Ann,to go to lunch then I would not have wanted her to go. Sex wasthe last thing on my mind, but obviously the first thing ontheirs. After about six months I started to join dating agencies andgo to speed dating. I felt that it was far too early to be takingpart in these activities, but I was fifty nine years of age whenAnn died and my time was running out. At fifty nine, I was thesort of man who preferred younger women. If possible much 416

Chapter 30younger. I had kept myself in very good condition and sexuallycould satisfy the most ardent of women. I think the general consensus is that a man of sixty shouldn’tlust after a girl of twenty one. Why not? I’m now seventy twoand would give anything to be able to make love to a girl ofeighteen to thirty. And believe me, she would be totallysatisfied. Anything over that is too old for me. I’m sure thereare many women who think like me and why shouldn’t they.What fucking cunt, says it’s wrong. I am an average Joe, and ifI feel this way, I know there are millions out there, who feel thesame way, too, and If you don’t, you’re the exception, not me. Last scenario: your sixty today: a young girl walks by, yousay to yourself that’s a girl, so what, yesterday I would havesaid she was a lovely really beautiful girl, but now I’m sixtyshe’s nothing special. It don’t happen like that, you still thinkshe’s fantastic and you always will for ever and even if youreach a hundred you will still want to get down to her pussybefore you fuck her. Remember the only limitation you have isthe one you put on yourself. Occasionally, I sense a woman of about forty five, lookingat me and thinking. “I wouldn’t go with a man that old.” Notknowing, that I’m thinking the same about her, and I’m seventytwo. I had arranged to meet a lady of forty two at the BurfordBridge Hotel, Burford Bridge, Dorking, Surrey. I was fifty nine.I arrived early to get my bearings. We had been chattingthrough the dating agencies website for about two to threemonths. I had spent some good times at this hotel: Abbey Lifeused to occasionally hold business meetings in their Tithe Barn;I also met clients there and we had a few New Year’s Evecelebrations there too. 417

Chapter 30 She walked through the door into the lounge, I stood upfrom my chair and went to greet her. Not bad looking, didn’tlook any older than forty two, mmm, not bad. Her facialexpression seemed to be saying the same about me. We wentfrom the lounge into the bar and sat down with our drinks. Aglass of white wine each. She immediately lit up a cigarette. On my portfolio with thedating agency, I had said, I didn’t smoke, although I did. Inever smoked many a day, so it was no problem not to smokefor an evening. But on her portfolio, she had also said, that shedidn’t smoke, and I thought this was a bit naughty. So I said, “I don’t mind, but your portfolio says you don’t smoke.” “That’s right, only with a glass of wine.” Mentally, I had made my mind up not to smoke thatevening, so could not change my mind frame to start now. Five glasses of wine later and about two hundred cigaretteslater, she told me that she had only today, purchased a littlesports car and would I like to go for a spin in it. I thought thatafter five glasses of wine, she may not be seeing the road asgood as she should be; I didn’t want to seem like a spoil sport,so accepted her offer. This, I think, I have listed as the fourth,of the worst moments of my life. I had never before seen anyone start a car from sixty milesper hour. She overtook everything in sight, even motorbikes,who were determined not to let her overtake them. There werefast cars, looking like they were standing still. After a while, Ididn’t know if I was alive or dead. She stopped the car and Inearly went through the windscreen and that was wearing aseat belt. She said, “What do you think?” I wasn’t thinking, Iwas feeling, a warm moisture around my asshole, and didn’tknow if it was sweat from the leather seat or if I’d shit myself. 418

Chapter 30Four to five months after Ann died I decided to get away for a short break; I went to the Grand hotel in Eastbourne forfive days. The Grand commands breath-taking views of the seaand the dramatic cliffs at Beachy Head. The Grand Hotel inEastbourne is the only 5 star luxury hotel to be found on theBritish coastline. I also arranged with a dating agency to go toone of their speed dating venues in Eastbourne on the thirdnight of my stay. I was in a pretty bad way by this stage and just wanted tobe pampered and recuperate. I went on my own, I didn’t wantto be stuck with anyone. Just free and easy, well I’ve alwaysbeen easy. I stayed in The Debussy Suite which has a spaciousbedroom, large lounge, luxurious bathroom with whirlpoolbath and walk in shower and substantial balconies withstunning sea views. It was from this room that Debussycomposed his symphony ‘La Mer’ in 1905. So if he couldcompose that, then hopefully I would be able to get myselftogether as well. I found the suite very pleasant and the naturallight from the sea and sky coming through the big sashwindows was surprisingly uplifting. On the terrace of the suiteyou had a full view of the sea, lovely. (When I brought Rachel and Katie here eighteen monthslater they tried to upgrade me to the Presidential Suite. So Iwent to have a look at it but much preferred the Debussy. Ifound the presidential suite a bit cold and depressing, so I toldthem I didn’t want the presidential suite, I preferred theDebussy.) The first night there, at dinner was strange. I asked them fora table window for two, but of course only laid for one. Can’tstand any table smaller than a table for two. I sat there on myown with no one to talk to, only my memories to keep me 419

Chapter 30company. Still, the food was good and being on my own at thistime suited me. On the third evening, shower and shave and off to speeddating. It was held in a downstairs room of a pub, in the centreof town. Twenty girls and twenty boys, remember I was fiftynine. Although I genuinely did only look about fifty, still old. Ilooked young for my age because, natural genes from family:weight training on a regular basis: slim and still had all my hairwhich remained dark brown with hardly any grey hairs. I nowrealise that it was far too early to even think of taking part inthese sort of activities so soon after my wife had died, but whatthe hell. I was fed up with being at home every evening on myown and I don’t like the third man scenario. I enjoyed the speeddating and there was one or two ladies where we had acommon interest in one another so it wasn’t a waste of time. I arrived back at the hotel at about nine thirty, too late fordinner in their restaurant so went into the bar for a beer andasked the barman if he could arrange some kind of food for me.I sat at my table sipping my beer wondering if I would be eatingtonight. There were ten to twelve blokes drinking at the bar,they all seemed to know one another and were in high spirits. The barman brought me some food, fillet steak with chipsand a side salad, He had gone to some trouble to present itnicely and it looked good and tasted good. I also had one glassof their house wine. While I was eating four girls came in andwent over to talk to the guys at the bar, they all seemed to knowone another. I felt relaxed after the excitement of the speeddating and was happy to just fade into the back ground andenjoy the atmosphere. One of the girls who was with the groupat the bar started to occasionally look my way and I caught hereye. She smiled and then continued chatting to her friends. Shewas about thirty five, thirty seven, blond, five foot two, quite 420

Chapter 30pleasant. The barman took what was left of the meal andredressed the table. I continued to finish my wine. Then I wentto the bar for a vodka and tonic with ice. I don’t recall how itbegan but within seconds I was in conversation with Louise theblond lady. After a while Louise came back with me to my tableand we chatted some more. I don’t remember one word of theconversation we had, but it ended in me asking, if she wouldlike to come up to my suite for a nightcap. She mmd and ahhd a bit but eventually said yes so we bothadjourned to the Debussy suite. When she saw the suite sherelaxed a bit more and when I put the music on, remember Ialways take a CD player and two sonny speakers whenever Igo to a hotel, and then poured her a vodka and tonic with icein a tall lager glass, she relaxed even more. We chatted to oneanother for some time, drinking our vodka and tonics, it wasvery pleasant. The time was about one thirty am when shefinally drank the last drop of the drink, saying, “I would quitelike another one of those.” Unfortunately I didn’t, towards theend of the conversation I had been going of my faithfulcompanion and now came to the decision that if we haveanother one we will end up in bed together. I didn’t want that,I just wanted to get rid of the poor cow so I could get some shuteye. I said, “Sorry but it’s been a long day and I’ve got to get tobed, I have so much to do tomorrow.” And basically usheredher out of the suite. When Ann was becoming ill we made love one night andfor the very first time, when we were nearing our sexualclimaxes Ann said to me “Roy, you carry on I’m out of breath,I can’t keep with you.” I don’t think we made love again afterthat, because shortly after, Ann became seriously ill. So I hadn’tmade love to a woman for the last two years or so. 421

Chapter 30 And I didn’t want to make love to this woman: since Ann’sdeath my sexual libido had changed. When you look aftersomeone who is dying and then when she has died you lookafter all the other arrangements connected with that, you don’tthink about sex at all and that was the first time that that hadhappened since I was the age of twelve when I had my firstwank. So I had, had no sex whatsoever for two years andcouldn’t even remember having a hard on during that time;even my sexual fantasies were suing me for divorce. Anywoman who came into a romantic situation with me at thisstage in my life was going to have a difficult time. It’s a verytrue saying, if you don’t use it, you lose it. I was about to use it, but not in any way that I had planned.The next night I had arranged for a massage at the health centrein the basement of the Grand Hotel. They charged fifty pounds.A very plush establishment, fully equipped gym, steam rooms,jacuzzi and many rooms for your own private massage. Justwhat I needed to relieve the stress of the past few years. I went down to the health centre at about five in theevening. In the lift going down there was one other person withme, a man of about thirty. We had a short conversation wherehe said to me “I always have Jean massage me, she knowsexactly what I want.” I thought, that’s good, Jean is the one I’mhaving my massage with. I was shown into a fairly spacious room with the relevantmassage table. I undressed and wrapped a towel around meand waited. A very muscular black girl walked in who lookedlike Mike Tyson. I said I was very pleased to meet her but Iwanted Jean who looked like an angel. Mike went out and afew minutes later Jean walked in, looking a little over worked. Now at this time, let me make this very clear, I had nointention whatsoever of having a sexual massage. There are 422

Chapter 30plenty of places in London that I can go for that, but I’ve neverbeen interested. My sexual life has been quite active enoughthank you very much. The reason I went to the Grand was for relaxation after allthe stress that I had recently suffered and I naïvely thought thatI could get a professional massage from this type ofestablishment. Jean was aged about twenty eight, very attractive withblond hair down to her shoulders but swept back into a ponytail. Slim and fit, she wore a white uniform dress. I was facingdown on the table and she began. As the massage progressedher hands slowly began to firmly massage right up to theprivate bits of the body which switch on the brains centralsystem that is directly attached to your cock. This was muchbetter than the Thai massage that I had in Thailand. When she had finished she said, “Is there anything else you require?” “What do you have.” “A hand job for forty pounds.” It was the easiest forty pounds she had ever earned in herlife. The hotel sums it up perfectly in their promotionalliterature, ….´The Grand Hotel in Eastbourne is not only the only 5 starluxury hotel to be found on the British coastline, we’re also oneof the friendliest. ` The manager there at the time was anything but friendly, areal pig of a man: he argued with all the guests and treatedpeople who were spending a lot of money with the hotel likerubbish. I couldn’t believe it, one guest, an Indian gentleman, a 423

Chapter 30very refined elegant man used to suffer terrible abuse fromhim. The manager was different to his female staff andalthough he treated them kindlier, you could still see that theywere very weary of him. I reckon he was knocking them all offand they were afraid to say anything. He was a giant size of aman, more like a giant beast, very menacing. God only knowsif his children were safe. I can’t understand why Elite Hotelshadn’t got rid of him, perhaps the directors there were allscared of him. In the evening, he would come round the tables in therestaurant, outrageously telling everyone that if they hadn’tfinished their meal by nine thirty, the desert would be servedin the lounge. One older lady complained to him about this oneevening: after his menacing reply, she never complained again.All the hotel guests used to call him Basil behind his back,referring to John Cleese’s Basil Fawlty, the only time you wouldcall him that to his face is when you wanted to commit suicide. (´Nutter, runs small hotel` is the terse-but-true descriptiongiven by an English catalogue to the weekly comedy seriesFawlty Towers. Created by John Cleese, the series stars Cleeseas Basil Fawlty, the insufferable--and insufferably inept--owner-manager of a tenth-rate British hotel.) I went back there a couple of years later, with Rachel andKatie. We stayed in the Debussy suite again. There was acorridor from the lounge to the bedroom where Katie took herfirst steps; we stayed for five days, by the end, Katie could walkthe whole length of the corridor. Basil was still there, insultingeveryone in sight. So back home, after my exploits at the Grand. I had a coupleladies to contact from the speed dating venue. After phoningthem, I narrowed it down to two. One woman, Jenny, of thirtyeight with a small child and another lady, Ann, of fifty. 424

Chapter 30 Because of their locality I arranged to meet them both at theCopthorne Hotel, Gatwick. Not together of course, althoughnow I come to think of it, that may not have been such a badidea. Jenny was an attractive lady, very nervous who seemed likeshe was somewhere else, probably thinking of her little boyback home. The evening went quite well and we left it that Iwould ring her. The other lady Ann, believe it or not, did not only have mywife’s name but also her star sign, Aquarius. She even lookedlike Ann and had the same type of figure. Was someone tryingto tell me something? Again, the evening went well and wemade the same arrangement for me to phone her.When the time came to contact them, I couldn’t: it was too early,I didn’t want to get to know anyone new, I wanted my wifeAnn. I was only pushing myself into these situations because Iwas sixty years of age and time was running out and whowants to be alone for the rest of their lives? 425

Chapter 30 426

31 Rachel *I had arranged to go out one evening with Kathy and David to a restaurant in Wimbledon. This time they brought along their daughter, Rachel, who was about 32 yrs. of age. Shehad a long-term boyfriend, but her parents told me that theyhad been arguing a lot recently and she was staying with them.After we had, had the meal, the parents left the table for aboutfive to ten minutes but I can’t remember why: to go to thetoilette or was it self-service? Perhaps it was a setup. All I knowis while they were gone Rachel made her move. Rachel took acigarette out and put it to her lips. As I lighted it for her, shecupped my hand in both of hers and our eyes locked into oneanother. Even though the cigarette was alight she held my handthat little bit longer than was necessary and something clickedbetween us. They say that life can change in a minute but inactual fact it can change in a moment and that was the momentit changed for me. After that moment it was just a matter oftime before I lost everything, because anyone who has becomeinvolved with Rachel has always lost everything. Some weeksafter I rang her and we arranged to go out together. We went out a couple of times and got on well. Herpartnership seemed to be breaking up and of course after mywife’s death I was feeling very lonely. I was 60 yrs. of age andshe was only 32, so, I was very flattered to have someone of thisage interested in me. Also, even though I was lonely, I had no 427

Chapter 31interest what so ever in women over the age of 35-40 yrs. of ageand even to this day that’s the way I feel. With Rachel it was different from the speed dating: she wassomeone I knew. She knew Ann, she knew what I had beenthrough, how distressed I was, I didn’t have to explainanything, Rachel was family. It was a Saturday evening, a week or so after New Year’sEve. Rachel was due to come down to my place at 7.30pm. Iwas looking forward to seeing her. In the previous few weekswe had met a couple of times and I had grown very fond of her.The bell rang: it was her. We had a drink and listened to somemusic. Then we went down to the Kingswood Arms, a classypub with music and a good restaurant. Had a few more drinksand then had dinner. We got back to my place about midnight but who waskeeping time. The music went back on, Daryl Hall & John Oaks,Bruce Springsteen, Gabriela, and more drinks. A wonderfultime only marred by one incident. During the evening, Rachel’spartner, Paul, rang her on her mobile. She told him, she waswith me and said she couldn’t leave because I was unwell andcould be having a heart attack. A bit farfetched and of coursehe didn’t believe her. In fact, at the time I was feeling prettygood. He asked to speak to me and when I came on the phonesaid “Why are you trying to break us up? I will fucking get youfor this, if it’s the last thing I ever do.” And as time will show,He did. Anyway, the evening continued and we were reallyenjoying ourselves. Rachel was terrific company. She sang a lotof the songs we played, she knew the words and knew how tosing them. We drank the wine and danced the night away. Thetime was 8.30am, Rachel was standing at the record cabinetbending slightly over looking for the next record/CD to put on, 428

Chapter 31glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other when sheuttered those immortal words. “I must say, I’m feeling a bittired now.” I was nearly out on my feet but what an incredibleevening and it was about to get even better. So, we decided to go to bed. As we went upstairs to thebedroom, I said, “Rachel I’m so tired I don’t want to make lovebut, I’ve been so lonely since Ann died I would like us to go tobed together. It would be so nice to have you lay next to me andjust hold your hand.” I went into the bathroom and when Icame back into the bedroom, I will always remember what Isaw; Rachel was undressing and very carefully putting herclothes neatly on a chair, as I came in she turned her head tome. I lay down on the bed next to her, totally exhausted and allI could hear in my mind was The Beatles singing ´I want to holdyour hand` although I hadn’t heard it for years and wasn’tinterested in it anymore. I held her hand. She stopped holdingmy hand, turned on her side, looked at me and said, “I wantmore than that” and literally dived on me, she then went downto me and I wasn’t tired anymore. As I sucked her nipples andmassaged her breasts, I remembered that she was my niece, notby blood but on my wife’s side. At the time, I wasn’t sure if thiswas illegal or not. I thought it wasn’t but I wasn’t sure. Thisthough, did not deter me, in fact it considerably heightened mysexual desire for her: to think it might be illegal made me wanther more than ever. I came into her extremely wet pussy withexcitement and pleasure. Lovely bubbly. The next morning, we awoke to Rachel’s mobile phone. Itwas Paul. As she was talking to him, I started to kiss and fondleher breasts and then my fingers went down to her pussy. Shejust made it to the end of the call and then we started to makelove again. This time, with a good night’s sleep behind me, Iwas really looking forward to loving her. As I went down to 429

Chapter 31her pussy, she suddenly said, “No Roy, I’m embarrassed.” Iwas slightly upset by this, but I don’t do anything in the sexualact with a girl, if she doesn’t want me to. So I just fingered theclit, but that’s not my style. After Michelle, I like to be downthere doing the business and giving a woman the pleasure shedeserves. I slowly became aware that Rachel had no interest ortime in me loving her pussy and giving her pleasure, she didn’twant her pussy primed, she was only interested in sucking andpriming my penis to be as big as possible so it would explodeand shoot all those sperms into her vagina and give her thebaby she craved for; her biological clock was running out. Still,I enjoyed making love to Rachel and my penis always felt morethan comfortable in her mouth or up her pussy; with all thedreadful stress that I had been through in the last year, that wasenough. We showered and after breakfast I phoned for a taxi to takeher back to her parents’ home where she was living. While wewaited we sat on the sofa in the conservatory part of thekitchen, me with a coffee and Rachel with a glass of white wine.She told me that she kept having these flashing images ofsexual scenes between us, where I was trying out all thesedifferent ways of bringing her to orgasm. It was overwhelmingher and I had to hold her in my arms to pacify her. She said “OhRoy I don’t think I can take any more of this, its driving mecrazy, I’ve got to have your cock to suck and then I want you tofuck me forever.” We snogged like crazy and my right handwent under her blouse and started to caress her breasts andfinger her nipples, she undone my trousers and took my penisinto her hand and started to massage it. We stood up, shepulled my trousers and pants down and then she knelt downand put my cock in her mouth. No one sucked cock like Rachel: 430

Chapter 31the way she did it, stayed in the mind forever. I then told her tostand up and I pulled her trousers and panties down. She hadperfect shaped calves and thighs, which led to a wonderfulpussy. Bushy and proud and waiting to be fucked. I took hertrousers off and was just about to slip her panties over herlovely small feet when the front door bell went, it was thefucking taxi. We started to see one another more and more andeventually I asked Rachel to move into the house with me. Alsoat this time, she was, understandably, very down because ofher job, which was a nurse to terminally ill cancer patients. Shehad been mugged a couple of times coming home from thehospital and recently there had been a suicide in her ward. Ayoung man had locked himself in the bathroom. When sheunlocked the door, she found that he had drowned himself. Hecouldn’t take any more and nor could she. So, I asked her togive in her notice and come and work for me, which she did. We got on really well. She soon learnt how to do her job andit was very positive for me to have her there. When I got downabout Ann, Rachel was there to comfort me which wasinvaluable. I thought that as time went on, the love makingwould improve, because I just love sucking pussy. One night, at about 3am, I was awoken by someone talking.I opened my eyes and there was Rachel sitting up in bed wideawake and chatting away. But she wasn’t awake: it wasn’t sleepwalking, it was sleep chatting. Whoever, she was talking to,must have said something funny because she started to laugh,a really hearty laugh. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing.It was one of the most unusual, truly wonderful moments ofmy life and then she laid down and went back to sleep. One day Rachel asked me if I would mind her having anight out with the girls, her girlfriends. I said it was ok as long 431

Chapter 31as she was in by ten thirty pm. Only joking, just seeing if yourstill awake. At eleven pm she rang me on the mobile to say thatshe was having a good time, but missing me terribly and reallywanted to be with me but couldn’t ruin the evening with herfriends. I replied, no problem, enjoy yourself and thought, letme get some shut eye please. She then proceeded to ring meevery hour on the hour until four in the morning when shearrived back. She then came into the bedroom and said “areyou asleep?” How could I be asleep when she had woke me upevery hour on the hour. We then made love for the rest of thenight. Occasionally she would go back to her parents’ home forsomething and stay overnight; she would then leave small redenvelopes, perhaps on my office desk or on the mantel piece inthe sitting room or windowsill in the kitchen. Inside would bevery sexy descriptions of what she wanted to do to certain partsof my anatomy. I suppose this was to keep me turned on untilshe returned. It worked. Although me and Rachel were opposites in many ways, wealso had a lot in common. We were both on our own when wemet. Ann had died and Rachel had separated from Paul. Weboth drank alcohol and loved the intoxication which came fromit. We loved the same type of music, dating from the eightiesonwards and both of us loved sex and made no secret of itwhen met. We were also, sexually, both in good shape. As time went on I realised I was falling in love with Racheland she felt the same way too. We discussed marriage and Isuggested we go and have a look at some engagement rings. Ihad already spoken to my solicitor who assured me that it wasentirely legal for an uncle and niece on my wife’s side, to havesex and if they wished, to marry one another. But twenty fiveyears ago it was illegal. Phew! Just made it. At this time, Itelephoned Westminster Cathedral and spoke to the priest 432

Chapter 31there. I told him our situation. Rachel single, me a widower, ourages, no children and we were uncle and niece on my wife’sside. Not blood related. He said that everything was in orderand there was no reason to stop us getting married in a Catholicchurch. I would have to take the normal catholic instructionswhich I knew about because I had to do that when I marriedAnn, who was a catholic. He then added that if we had anyproblems, to contact him and he would marry us, himself, atWestminster Cathedral. Top that.We all went to the Epsom Races. Rachel, me, her father David, mother Kathy, her sister Becks and her husbandMatt. A glories sunny day. Blue skies and nice and warm. Wehad champagne and canapes in the stand, lost our money onthe horses and then won it back again. I remember standingthere looking out on the course and Rachel coming up behindme and putting her hands around my waist and lovinglymoving me from side to side. At that time I was crazy abouther, totally in love. We both popped out to go somewhere, Idon’t remember where but I do remember very clearly, whather mother Kathy said to her. “Remember Rachel, yourbiological clock is running out.” As the warm sunny day became early evening and wewatched the last race play out, as the horses thundered downthe hill and into the finishing straight and we cheered the oneswe had bet on, everyone was in a good mood. Then when itwas all over, it was just beginning. Of course the main reasonfor most people being at Epsom tonight, was to see RonanKeating. Rachel absolutely adored him and had been speciallylooking forward to this part of the day. 433

Chapter 31 A huge cheer went up from the crowd between races whenthey announced how long it was before his performancestarted. The stage was set up in the members’ enclosure;probably one of the more intimate areas Ronan has played inover the years, as the man himself said, “I've been drunk in afew racecourses but never played in one”. As the last race of the evening finished, just after 9pm,Ronan's band struck up to huge cheers from the crowd, whoseemed to have sprung up instantly from nowhere. Within thespace of two minutes people were shoulder to shoulder,packed in like sardines, I think you'd have found it nearimpossible to leave, even if you'd wanted to. Rachel with a large glass of white wine and me with a pintof lager found a nice spot to see the proceedings. “Life is arollercoaster”, well it certainly is if you're Ronan Keating. Atfirst glances it seemed quite an odd gig, people from themembers enclosure in their finery, many of them seeminglyhaving no idea of who this cheeky Irish chap on stage was; untilthe first notes of “if tomorrow never comes” lit a spark ofrecognition across the faces of the unsure. Ronan’s music seemsto have a universal appeal, and he appears to be a genuinelynice guy, relaxed with his audience, one of life’s naturalentertainers. He managed to fit a lot of material into his hourlong slot, all the classic crowd pleasers, doing his own versionof Van Morrison's “Brown eyed girl” which went down a stormwith the crowd. It was a fantastic finale to a perfect summerevening’s entertainment, one we won't forget. I was juststarting to slowly come out of the terrible aftermath of Ann’sdeath. To breath properly and look forward to a future.Perhaps I could have a life again. 434

Chapter 31Then Rachel became pregnant. I knew she wanted a baby, she had been trying for some time with Paul, but he nowsuffered with an illness that made it unlikely. They had eventried to adopt a child but were turned down. We had beenhaving unprotected sex for about four months and Rachel hadmentioned that because of her and Paul trying to have a child,she had undergone fertility treatment and was well primed tothe possibility of becoming pregnant. Initially, I thought itwould be OK. I was in a good position financially, I lovedRachel and having lost my wife of 41 years, perhaps starting afamily even at my age would be good. We were in a pub in Carshalton, it was about seven thirtyin the evening. Rachel said she had arranged a holiday with herfamily, mum, dad, sister Becks and her husband Matt, to go toSpain. They had arranged it some time ago and already had thetickets and everything. Would I mind. I said that now she waspregnant with our child, she should be concentrating on ourrelationship and I thought she shouldn’t go. She was very upsetabout this and we had a bit of a row. In the end she didn’t go.In retrospect I was wrong and no way should I have stoppedher from going. At the time I just thought that she was so muchfamily that she would never be able to stand on her own twofeet with me and that her family would take me over as welland I was always my own man. I was aware when we made love, Rachel was moreinterested in sucking my cock than me sucking her pussy, oksome girls are like that, perhaps something in their past orwhatever, has made them the one who is there, just to befucked. I think in Rachels case it was because her main objectivewas to become pregnant, I have never had a girl suck my cockas much as Rachel did. She would handle and suck my penisvery professionally and prime it so big that when it went into 435

Chapter 31her vagina and I pumped and exploded all my love juices out,the sperms must have thought every day was Christmasfucking day. Anyway, I went along with her sucking and mefucking, I suppose I was in a Philly mood as the great Darylwould say. When the relationship was coming to an end, sheused to suck my cock like she wanted to chuck it in the bin, butI didn’t mind because it was still very fetching. Slowly, I became aware that Rachel’s drinking was morethan social. More and more I began to notice that when it wastime to stop drinking, Rachel would want to carry on. It mightbe, say, 11.30 pm and time to go to bed because we had to workthe next day, but Rachel would think of any excuse to discusssomething new so that she could carry on drinking alcohol. Forme this was scary. I was becoming very involved in a situation,that if Rachel was an alcoholic, could turn out to be disastrous.I knew that alcoholics destroyed the people who loved them,which meant I would be a goner and now there was the babyto consider. Thankfully she was able to cut down on her drinking duringthe pregnancy but she still drank enough. I was with her nearlyall the time and would gently remind her not to drink toomuch. I say gently because if I annoyed her, she would getannoyed, drink more and then storm out to God knows where.Once when I asked her to take it easy on the drink, she stormedout and got a train to London Bridge. I don’t know to this daywhat was at London Bridge: not me, I suppose. Eventually the day came when Rachel started to feel thelabour pains continuously, Katie was about 5 weeks overdue.We contacted the maternity clinic and then drove over there.No panic, no problems but Katie wasn’t coming out yet so theclinic decided to keep Rachel there and I stayed as well. Shortlyafter her mum and dad arrived. Then the surgeon came back 436

Chapter 31with the results of some X-rays that he had taken earlier.Apparently, they showed that some of the biblical cord hadgone a little bit round the baby’s neck. His words not mine. So,after a short discussion it was decided that Rachel woulddeliver her baby through a caesarean operation. The screen was put up at Rachel’s waist line so she couldn’tsee what was going on down below and I joined her. We hadour arms around one another and chatted away in a very lovingmanner. Once when we were talking, the surgeon said, “Rachelcan you stop turning please.” For the minute, we had forgottenwhere we were. Then he said, “your baby’s out.” 5-10 seconds,no sound. 15 seconds, no sound. Then Katie heard her firstsound from daddy. I shouted, “Spank her bum.” Which he didand then we heard Katie crying. Mission accomplished. Theyasked me if I wanted to cut the cord. Of course I did. I wouldhave delivered the baby if they had shown me how to. Youdon’t get many, once in lifetime experiences, like this. As I cutthe cord, a tiny speck of something from it, splashed on mywrist and burnt it for a second and then was gone. I was pleasedthat one of the nurses had taken a picture of me cutting thecord, on my camera. As far as I know, no one has ever taken Rachel seriously.Her parents don’t, they still treat her like a child. Paul didn’t,when I met her, she had nothing. Nowhere to live, no money, Ieven had to pay for her car to be taken off the road and perhapsmost importantly no chance of having the baby she craved forwith time running out. Becks, her sister may have taken herseriously but in a sort of cautious way, like she knew howirresponsible she could be. I took her seriously. A big mistake, a huge mistake. I lovedher, I wanted to marry her. She wanted a baby, I gave her ababy. Whatever she wanted I gave her. To me she deserved all 437

Chapter 31this. I felt she was a good person and should be treated as such.She thought that bringing up Katie in the house that I had livedin with Ann wasn’t right. So I sold the house and boughtanother one. She wanted a car, so I bought her one. I wouldhave happily worked for her and Katie until the day I died andit was a business where I could make a lot of money for them.What I didn’t know was that Rachel didn’t even take herselfseriously and these people that I have mentioned, knew her farbetter than I did. Eventually, we sold my fabulous house in Kingswood andpurchased another house in Ashtead. Morwell, 5 Grays Lane,Surrey. Detached: five bedrooms: three bathrooms: largedrawing room: big family room: enormous kitchen: diningroom and utility room. Even had an AGA cooker. The storagespace was phenomenal. The times I had gone to see clients withchildren at their houses and they would open a cupboard andall the toys would fall out, not here. We also had a wonderfullarge walk in wardrobe. Swimming pool, over half an acre ofbeautiful gardens and all in the expensive area of Surrey´sstockbrokers belt. We had looked at many different types of houses in the pastmonths and after a lot of deliberation had decided that Morwellwas perfect. Besides the house itself, it was perfectly situated;believe me, I had done my homework. A wide deep plot so noone was too near us and situated in a very quiet road with otherdetached houses but only a very pleasant three minute (I timedit) walk to Ashtead Village. Ashtead Village had an array of services and shops in alovely country village atmosphere. Down the road from there,by car, a five minute drive to the Epsom shopping Centre:Marks and Spencer and Waitrose supermarkets convenientlysituated in the Ashley Centre there, which has over 50 shops 438

Chapter 31and stores to enjoy. Located in the heart of Epsom, The AshleyCentre is a vibrant, friendly shopping destination with a largecar park. Shops and stores offering value in everything fromfashion to cards, mobile phones to jewellery. Also lots of othershops all down the High street. And of course Rachels parents and sister all within a tenminute drive in the car I had just bought her. My business was going very well and I was making goodprofits. I remember the day we moved in, David my computerman and good friend, was putting the computers in workingorder while I was on my laptop and talking to clients on themobile. The removal men were asking where to put this andwhere to put that, it was very hectic, but I was so busy withwork I couldn’t just have a day off. The new house was looking good: we had improved thingshere and there and it made such a difference. I bought Rachel anew 4x4 car; employed a house keeper and gardener. I workedfrom home and did all my own cooking. Her parents and sisteronly lived ten and fifteen minutes away. What could possiblygo wrong? When someone in the house is drinking alcohol all day andall night, everything. I realised, now that it was too late, thatRachel was an alcoholic. I liked a drink myself but then it’s timeto go to bed and get up in the morning and do your work.Rachel just didn’t know when to stop. Some evenings wewould arrange a baby sitter and go to a restaurant. She wouldstart arguing the minute we got into the restaurant andcontinue all through the meal. If I said it was a nice day shewould disagree. The other thing that happens when someone has a drinkproblem, is there is always an emergency or an accidenthappening. I’ve lost count of the number of times we have been 439

Chapter 31to see a doctor or consultant at the hospital. The first questionthey ask is “how much alcohol do you drink each day.” Rachelwould look at me and say “Oh. About a glass of wine a day.” Ifonly. What she didn’t understand, was until she stoppeddrinking there was no way they could cure anything. Thedrinking covered everything and only when the drinkingstopped could they get through to the illnesses and see whatwas caused by alcohol and what wasn’t and then treat each oneaccordingly. At this time when Katie was about six months old I startedto wonder if she was really my child. As I’ve mentioned before,Rachel used to go on walkabouts and I wouldn’t see her for aday or so. I thought that we had argued and she had taken offto her parents. But now I wasn’t so sure, perhaps she wasseeing someone else. So one Friday afternoon when Rachel and her mother Kathywent out shopping and left me with Katie, I carried out a DNAtest on my little daughter. I had found a reputable companywho instigated these procedures and they had sent me therelevant swabs etc. to carry it out. As I was taking the slavertest with the little cotton wool stick, very gently rubbing theinside of her cheeks, she was laughing her head off, I supposeI was tickling her. I felt uncomfortable doing this, because only a short timebefore I had been so grateful to have been given another chanceof happiness with Rachel and Katie. But now the situation haddrastically changed for the worst and I thought that if I didn’tperform this test, then in the future I was always going to havedoubts in my mind. A few days later I received the test results. They weren’tsure, only ninety nine percent sure, that I was the father. I thinkthat’s sure enough, I was the father. In one way I was very 440

Chapter 31pleased but in another way not so. If I had not been the fatherthen I would have been able to walk away without any feelingof guilt. I would then have been able to concentrate much moreon my next move. The move from Kingswood to Ashtead was extremelystressful. The packing took five days and everything had to bepacked carefully. We had thirty years of antiques. Myson,Dresden and fine furniture of the highest quality. Taking downthe Victorian chandeliers was an art in itself. Two cabinets fullof 24ct leaded cut glass, hundreds of CDs, vinyl records, tapes,expensive leather bound books etc. When the removal company had delivered everything tothe Ashtead home and left, we had 167 boxes to open. Everymorning for two months, I would get up at 6.30 am and openas many boxes as I could before breakfast and then go into myoffice upstairs. Rachel did nothing but look after the baby anddidn’t think she should be doing that. I used to wonder whatshe was thinking of. Now I know, her next cigarette and hernext glass of wine. We were coming to the end of summer andI desperately wanted to bring the home to a certain standardbefore the winter arrived. Christmas day. We were celebrating at Rachel’s sistershome, Becks and her husband Matt. Both parents were thereand friends. Everyone was enjoying the festivities. It was areally nice day. The phone rang, Becks answered. Paul had justdied. End of story, end of day, end of everything. I had met Paul on several occasions and we had always goton. He was a pretty on the ball guy but he had been ill, on andoff, for some years and him and Rachel had slowly driftedapart. When I started a relationship with Rachel, they had beenarguing for some time and she had gone back to live with hermum and dad. But they had been going out together for about 441

Chapter 318 years or more and when he died, she wasn’t there. From thatday onwards, me and Rachel were basically finished. So, as hehad told me on the phone, he did get even. I had sold my wonderful home in Kingswood and movedto a bigger and better home in Ashtead with a much biggermortgage. Had a child and a partner to look after and nowRachel started to drink with a vengeance. Why couldn’t thebastard die when I was still in my Kingswood home: I wouldn’thave gone on to lose everything then. From that time on Rachel slowly became my worst enemy.I’ve had some of the best times drinking alcohol and some ofthe worst and sometimes both in the same day. I particularlyremember one evening when we went out to celebrate Rachel’sbirthday. Just the two of us. We went to a local Chineserestaurant in Ashtead village and then on to a pub in the villagewhere they had a singer who had his own music system to backhim up. Towards the end of the evening we chatted to him andhe was a terrific guy. One of the best evenings I’ve ever had andI’ve had some good ones. I was so happy to be with Rachel. Justbeing with her, talking and laughing, made me feel on top ofthe world. We got back to our Ashtead home about midnight. We putthe music on and continued drinking. Two hours later, after atremendous row Rachel stormed out, collected by her faithfulTonto, her father and went back to her parents. Suddenly, I wasleft in this enormous house on my own. I don’t think you couldfeel any lower without topping yourself. The next day, lateafternoon, I saw a pair of Rachel’s worn panties hanging overthe chair, I laid down on the bed, put them over my face andsmelling her sweet pussy juices, had one of the best wanks I’veever had. I loved her and needed her so much and now she wasgone. 442

32 Free fall *After Rachel left I sold the Ashtead house and bought property in Eastbourne. A big mistake, but at the time, Ihardly knew what I was doing. In Eastbourne I lived in anapartment that I had purchased for 250,000 pounds whilewaiting for my penthouse which I had purchased for575,000pounds, to be completed in the block next to me. Thepenthouse itself was phenomenal. The sitting room was 19ftwide by 37ft long, with nothing sticking out to reduce thespace. Underfloor heating, 3 large bedrooms, big kitchen. Bigeverything. With terraces overlooking the harbour and sea.During this time, Rachel made several visits to the apartmentwith Katie but she was still drinking heavily and I was morepissed off than ever. After a few months Rachels drinking seemed to be easingoff and we started to communicate a lot better and I was reallybeginning to love being with Katie. Eventually I concluded thatEastbourne was not for me. Compared with London andSurrey it was simply too boring and I got fed up with thoseseagulls, shitting everywhere. Me and Rachel were still talking so I decided not to proceedwith the penthouse sale, which meant I lost my 60,000 pounds’deposit. I could do with that now! And purchased an end ofterrace house, a new build again, in Ewell, Surrey, just 10 min.from Rachel’s parents’ home where Rachel was now stayingwith Katie. Because it was an end of terrace, I had a larger 443

Chapter 33garden. So, even before I moved in I had builders: building adouble garage at the bottom of the garden which was reachedby a service road that ran along the back of the garden and alsoa fair size conservatory. This was all done with exactly the samebrick work etc. as the new build property. So, when I moved in,no one would have known that any extra building work hadbeen done and would have thought that the house hadoriginally been built like that. One afternoon I was at Rachels parents’ house, looking afterKatie while Rachel was out somewhere shopping. She shouldhave been back some time ago as I had to get back to my placeand do some work in the office. I rang her on her mobile andshe said, don’t worry she was just having a drink in the pubdown the road. After about an hour or so I decided to go downthere and join her. I put Katie in her push chair and we wentdown to the pub. She was in the pub garden with an Indianneighbour and his two children, really enjoying a pint of lager,when she saw us her face looked like she could have killed me.His face looked like he had just missed the best cock suck of alltime. Sunday evening in the Ewell house, about midnight, I wasin bed a sleep. A sleep because I had a busy day in the office onthe Monday. During the day on Sunday we had, had a birthdayparty for our daughter Katie at her grandparents’ home whichwas only a couple of miles away and Rachel had decided tostay there. The day had gone very well and Rachel and me hadenjoyed it. We were also quite affectionate to one another. Thephone rang. Rachel was in terrible pain in one hip and askedme to come over and take her to the A&E. So, I went over andpicked her up and we set off for the A&E in Epsom. Theyneeded to give her an injection in the hip, but first she had tolie down on the bed there. The problem was that the hospital 444