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37 Summary of thoughts *For a few months before Ann became ill we had disagreed about something and I had been slightly annoyed with her. One evening, a week or so after she had beendiagnosed, I think it was about 6.30 pm, Ann said to me “Youknow Roy, you haven’t been treating me very nice lately.” Nowwhen I’m alone, which is all the time, I tend to block a lot ofmemories out. Otherwise I would top myself. But occasionallythey get to you. This is one that does. It goes into my heart andsoul and guts and totally fucking annihilates me. There isnowhere to go. Nowhere.I now understand, why I lost my Kingswood home andeverything else. Within a year of Ann dying, I had an affair withRachel, Ann’s niece by blood and gave her a baby. All this tookplace in my wife’s home. Ann’s home, much more than mine.We were there for thirty years. I was out working for a gooddeal of that time. Ann was too, for the first fifteen years but forthe last fifteen she looked after the house. I had a baby withRachel, conceived in me and Ann’s bed. I had prevented mywife Ann from having children all those years by asking her totake the contraceptive pill and then had a child with her niece,within a year of her dying. I don’t know about a God but I dobelieve that something in the universe just doesn’t let you getaway with that, scot-free. I totally believe that a force of nature,made sure I paid for what I had done. 495

Chapter 37When Ann was diagnosed with pernicious anaemia at the ageof twenty nine, she was given a full examination. One of thethings the doctor said after this was, there is no reason why shecould not have children and in his opinion and in his words,“To have a child and a good clear out would be good for her.”I was sitting in our sun room, when Ann joined me. She said,“Roy, how do you feel now, about having children. Your 35 andI’m 33, if we are going to have children, then we can’t leave itany longer.” I thought for a while, life at present was very good,we had a great lifestyle. I had seen our friends have kids and tome their lives went down the pan. I really did not want to havemy own children. Ann was an unassuming type of person andI could see them taking over her life. Mum this and mum that.She had, had a tough life, when she was a kid and I alwayswanted to make it up to her and I believe I did. Children weretoo much aggravation, too much responsibility, a pain in theass until the day you die and they get all your money. We hadthe contraceptive pill now, we weren’t animals, we had a choiceand I chose. I thought fuck them and said, “I don’t really wantchildren Ann.” She said, “ok” and never mentioned it again. Mind you, I promise this is true, if Ann had persisted, Iwould have given her children. Every single time in ourmarriage when Ann made it clear that she wanted something,I would always, I repeat, always give in and she would have it,quickly.When you truly love someone, whatever hurts them hurts youas much. That’s why when you love someone, you always feelsorry for them, because you know that life will hurt them. 496

Chapter 37Out of all this came Katie Angela Prentice. She rose up andabove all the bad stuff. Strong, determined, positive, brave andcourageous. A beautiful child, but unfortunately, not my child.Her mother made sure of that from day one. Missionaccomplished, straight back to mum and dad. Thanks for beinga donor Roy, Goodbye. I always said, I didn’t want childrenand Rachel made sure I didn’t have any. If Katie had been mychild she would have been living with me in our house inAshtead, having her school friends around to enjoy the pooland winning the final of the Wimbledon lawn tennischampionship at the age of nineteen. Well If not Wimbledon,perhaps the local tennis club tournament.Not attached to anybody. Nice bachelor apartment and after12yrs. of being on my own and looking after myself, I am nowused to it. If I was 30 yrs. of age I could have a very wonderfulsexy time and not feel guilty. But now I’m old and invisible toyoung girls. That’s life! We all have to die and the only excitingthing about old age is when. Also old age has a way of slowlycreeping up upon you until you forget the person you were andbecome the person you are, old.Ann my wife, meticulously saved all records of our journeythrough life; from when we met, right through until her death.Anything that my mother had passed on to her was religiouslyfiled away for us to reminisce and wonder about when we wereolder. ´For a time that never came.` They were kept amongstother places, in a large wardrobe in our spare room in theKingswood house. Filed and indexed where necessary. WhenI moved to Ashtead, it wasn’t a problem because that housewas bigger than the Kingswood house and had loads of storageroom, but the apartment in Eastbourne and the house in Ewell 497

Chapter 37weren’t anywhere near as big, so I had to put them into storagewith the other furniture that wouldn’t fit into these places. Nearly everything was lost in the great move of 2012, whenI escaped to Spain in turmoil and depression. When theremoval men came to the house in Ewell to move everythinginto the garage and pack the rest inside my house for theremoval by another company to Spain the next day, I had tosimply tell them to take away lots of things and do what theywanted to do with them. They were only too willing and I’msure made a worthwhile amount of money out of it forthemselves. There was nothing I could do, I was going intoexile in Spain and my capital was so terribly depleted anddestroyed that there was no money for storage or anything else.As I am nearing the end of writing this book, I am goingthrough photos that I want to include and only now fullyrealise the full extent of my loss. Photos that I could have easilytaken with me but didn’t. They were only photos, but whenyou are writing your autobiography, you literally go back intime and then the photos take on a more important meaning.There was one photo of the football team that I played for whenI was fourteen; priceless to me. Another of me and Ann in theearly sixties: we had gone to visit Ann’s sister Kathy and herhusband David at their home in Wandsworth, London. Annwore a lovely sort of Italian dress, very short and stack shoes,me decked out in very smart light blue flared trousers with fourinch stacked shoes and tight fitting jacket. Pancho VillaMoustache and styled hair down to just above my shoulders.We were in their garden, I was holding a baby no more than sixmonths old: Rachel. 498

Chapter 37Rod Stewart said in his autobiography “I wish I had spent moretime with my children.” Instead of spending every nightprancing around on stage to music he loved and being idolisedby his fans. Bedding a different girl every night withoutlooking at their passport and generally being pissed all thetime. When he does have a bit of his precious time available hespends all of it up in his wonderful loft with his train set. Anytime left for them? No, of to another foreign country in hisprivate jet to see his Scotland football team to play. To use hisfavourite word, what a load of old bollocks. Bordering onhypocritical. If you had, had more time to spend with yourchildren, Rod, you wouldn’t have had so many. Now don’t getme wrong. There are not many people I would want to be, otherthan myself but Rod was one that I thought about. The thing is,at the time you did what you wanted to do. End of story.On the other hand, Richard Burton, the brilliant Welsh stageand film actor, said in his note books when his children werefive or seven “I absolutely adore and cherish my children butafter spending more than fifteen minutes with them, I’m boredout of my mind.” This was from Melvyn Bragg’s biography´Rich` a phenomenal piece of writing. I don’t know if Burtonwould have said that he was as good as Melvyn says he was,but after this book he was. Melvyn Bragg’s biography on Richard Burton ´Rich.` Saysthat although he went with many women and they don’t comemore beautiful than Susan Strasberg at the age of nineteen, hemade it clear to them that he would never leave his wife Sybil.Does that remind you of anyone? Yes, millions of averagegeezers, nothing special. None of these so called artistic peopleare special. They act, we all act, in life. 499

Chapter 37 Yes, Burton was famous, a brilliant actor and had achieveda great deal in his life. I remember him in VIPs an average typeof film, where Burton had a scene with Liz Taylor. For fiveminutes it was an extraordinarily, outstanding film, whenBurton once more summoned up that inner emotion, which leftme feeling so sad I just cried my eyes out. Wonderful stuff. Butthen the whole point of Burton was that he was an averagegeezer made good, and he made colossal mistakes in his lifelike we all do. He didn’t tell Liz Taylor to piss off, because hehad a wonderful wife and children. That would have made himspecial. He did what nearly every other average joe would havedone in his situation, He left his family and went to fuck the lifeout of Liz. Nothing special about that. In every way, other thanacting, he was just like many other average Joe’s: when we’veput away a couple of bottles of John Danial’s, we’re all special. Burton took risks, if you’ve read this book so far, you wouldknow we all take risks. One of the big differences between mostmen and women is a man thinks he can have his cake and eatit and a woman knows you can’t. Frankie Vaughn the singer had an opportunity to reallymake the big time in America. All he had to do was spend sometime there for a year or two. He said, “No way, I have abeautiful wife and wonderful children. We have a lovely homehere in Buckinghamshire and this is where I want to be.” Nowthat’s special.I love the bit in Terry Stamps auto, ´Double Feature.` When hesays, he and Jean Shrimpton, when they were a very big itemin the sixties and seemed destined to get married, went to bedone Sunday afternoon just to lay there and talk. After about anhour of conversation they decided part. Talking can be goodfor a relationship, too much can be disastrous. 500

Chapter 37Bob Wagner`s autobiography ends with the same old rubbish.How much money he has and how much he deserves it. Whata difficult profession acting is and so on. He then goes on to say that when his time comes, he will beburied in Aspen in an old cemetery with his wife, Jill St John,his beloved shepherd dog and any of the children who want tojoin them. Still, the best laid plans, excuse the pun, can goastray. Especially if Chris Walken contacts Jill and asks her tomake a movie with him.Michael Winner’s auto. ´Winner takes all,` says his film ´WonTom Ton,` was not a hit. “But you pick yourself up and carryon” and carry on going to Monte Caro and Cannes and back tohis fantastic house in Kensington. If you had lived inCamberwell Green SE5, just after the war. You would havepicked yourself up and walked straight into a fucking brickwall. Winners book is marvellously outrages and very funny,like the man himself. He was a good friend of O J Simson andtold one particular story. Shortly after O J first trial, Winner wason a serious political discussion with Adam Bolton of SkyNews. The Attorney-General and some MPs were there. AdamBolton introduced him. “And Michael Winner who was afriend of O J Simpsons.” Winner interrupted and said, “No, notwas Adam. Am a friend of O J Simpsons.” Adam Bolton said,“But his murdered two people.” Winner replied “What’s twobodies between friends.” Winner says that nobody took thisup! The program just carried on. I remember when MichaelWinner came into Sulka’s with two big busty beautiful girls oneach arm. He certainly knew how to make an entrance. 501

Chapter 37I really get fed up with all these movie stars and celebrities,who in the last third of their autobiographies usually stuffUNICEF down your throat or tell you in great detail of theirriches and how much they deserved them. Bollocks. Peoplehave worked 10 times harder than they have and still ended upwith nothing. Entertainment is nothing special. Just like anyother job. People I really admire are the unsung heroes, who havedone so much for our country and refuse a knighthood on thebasis that they are nobody’s subject. God may their souls restin peace. Not like the rest, who do everything they can to achieve aknighthood, so that they can put it with the rest of theircollection of fine arts and poxy antiques. If those sorts of peoplego to heaven, then I look forward to going to hell. Is Jeremy Corbyn the next messiah? Could be. Jesus wasn’taccepted immediately and even then the opposition werealways trying to put him down. Although our standard ofliving has improved tremendously over the past decades andtechnology takes us forward, what about mankind, and womenkind. How have we improved. I don’t think we have improvedone iota. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Thewealthy must pay higher taxes. Much higher. Double, treble towhat they are paying now. So that they are not wealthy. Therich say that they contribute large sums into charities, but theyshould have been taxed at source and that money, given fromthe beginning, to the less fortunate. Bill Gates gave billions tocharities. How can that be allowed to happen? There shouldhave been a tax system in force that stopped that money goingto him in the first place. Robots are taking over the jobs ofemployees. Nothing wrong with that, as long as the employersstill carry on paying the employees their wages. But of course, 502

Chapter 37they won’t because the bosses will coin it all. That’s why theymust be taxed by 100% on this, so that the government can paythe employees. But of course, this will never happen and therich will carry on getting richer, while the less fortunate suffer. In the last election, something did happen. Not with a bangbut a slight change in thought. The people started to hear whatJeremy was saying, a little like what I have just been saying: itshouldn’t continue like it is. We must start to even things out.So, if the wealthy get taxed too much, they will leave thecountry. Wouldn’t it be nice, just to let them fuck off andeveryone else to work together to make this country a betterplace to live in. Jeremy kept on saying we must look after thepoorer people, the national health and …. people started tothink. That’s what we should be doing and it was never goingto happen under the conservatives. Someone said to me the other day “What’s happened toDavid Cameron.” I replied, “Probably somewhere, countinghis money.” Somehow, you could never say that about Jeremy.The four most important people in my life were, Michelle, whotaught me how to love. Bill Sheehy, who showed me that you didn’t have to getmarried and have children. You could actually get married andwith the person you loved, go on an incredible journey ofenjoyment and discovery, through life. Bruce Grindley, who came into my life just at the right timeand showed me how to become a successful business man. And of course Ann, who without her, none of this wouldhave been possible. The one thing that you must realise aboutAnn was that she was a winner. I was the loser. From very earlyon in her life, five to six years of age, she found out that the only 503

Chapter 37way to survive was to never to give up, always persevere andthat the only time you fail is when you give up. Most peoplewho contracted tuberculosis in those times died. She was inhospital for nearly three years. Before then she had beenilltreated by guardians. From the hospital into a home/conventuntil she was sixteen. If all that wasn’t enough she then marrieda rough diamond like me. She then set about saving ourmarriage and did so very successfully. She learnt to play tennisand did her weight training. And made sure we had a fantasticlife. The minute I met Ann, I became a winner, even when thingswent wrong, they turned out right. The minute she died I losteverything. She was the winner and its very contagious. Icaught the winning bug very quickly from Ann. When I metRachel, the looser bug is even more contagious. Ann was a very strong lady who knew what she wanted,me. I knew how good she was and I wouldn’t have let her gounder any circumstances, other than if she had insisted. Shewas a very intelligent lady who whenever she spoke wentstraight to the heart of the matter with no hairy fairymisconceptions. We made incredible love throughout ourmarried life together and she didn’t even insist that we hadchildren. Who the fuck does that? She was so incredible that Isometimes think she was not of this world because I have nevermet anyone who comes anywhere near her. When she died, Idied too. She was my God, no one like her. I don’t believe inGod, I believe in Ann. She was a class act.A few sayings that I believe in, …… It’s not the man in yourlife, it’s the life in your man: I love my wife and I love my life: 504

Chapter 37 If you stretch the truth, it may snap back and hurt you: I would trust my wife with my life….. but not with mymoney: only joking, as you already know I trusted Ann withboth and my soul and she never let me down once. Remember, it’s not the destination that counts, It’s thejourney: I have always believed that you must put equal time intolife, for Business, health and your marriage. Because if eitherone breaks down, you lose everything: I’ve been all over life and life’s been all over me:The main thing I’ve lost in my life, is my self-respect. I used tothink that I was a shrewd man, but after losing all my money Ican’t think that anymore I always knew a child would destroy my life and it did, so Iwas right to think it. Ann knew this about me. Rachel knewnothing about me. If I had thought of how little I knew aboutRachel, and what I did know was not good, I wouldn’t have gotinvolved. I got over most setbacks in my life but couldn’t getover Rachel. Why? Because she had a baby, if she hadn’t Iwould still be in my Kingswood home and then I’d have soongot over her. After Michelle, Angela came along and put me togetheragain. After Angela, Rachel came along and took me apart. Ithank God every day that after Michelle, I met Ann and notsomeone like Rachel. While under the curse of bereavement, I made a few wrongmoves and lost everything. It’s a shame, because I do lovehappy endings, but at the end of the day you die and whateverthey say, there’s nothing happy about that. Would it be nice tomeet some young woman who looks beyond the normal 505

Chapter 37horizon of age and sees me as the man I am? You bet the fuckit would.Talking about happy endings, I love the movies. The greatestfilms I’ve seen recently with the best happy endings are:Baby Driver: Director: Edgar Wright.Carol: Director: Todd HaynesDjango Unchained: Director: Quentin TarantinoI Origins: Director: Mike Cahill.Best of all the endings, where the little Indian girl, who youwould gladly give you life for without hesitation, wont go intothe lift. The main character Dr. Ian Gray played by Michael Pitt,picks her up and walks down the stairs with her, accompaniedby a wonderful soundtrack; then puts her down and they bothwalk out through the door of the Hotel. She then stands thereand lifts her little hand up for him to hold and take care of andhave a second chance. Wonderful stuff.So why have I written this book? Because I have losteverything, I haven’t got anything of me left. I have no identity,no one who knew me. I live, in a lovely spacious apartment inSpain, an old man that never existed. The people who I can bewith, I don’t want to be with. The people I want to be with,don’t want to be with me. Also relationships and specialmoments all die in the end; if I write them down, they lastforever. All men are tempted in some way or another at sometime. Everybody is offered a choice – one way being easy theother difficult. The way a life ends doesn’t define that life; theway a life is lived, does. Ah well, at least I’ve got my memories, and now…….. sohave you. 506

Chapter 37The last game of the season. I was 14 years of age. Our opponents were top of the league; we were second. A drawand they had won the title; we had to win. The score was 1-1with minutes to go; fair enough they had been the better sideand really, deserved to win. Suddenly the ball was passed to me: not perfect and as theirfull back came to block it, I just managed to tap it past him andjump the tackle, the other full back came across anddangerously skid tackled me, but I managed to tap it past himand jump the tackle again. I looked up to see the goalie slippingand diving at my feet, I took the ball to the right to keep it awayfrom him and I was now going towards the by-line at animpossible angle to the goal. Just as I was going over the by-line, I turned the ball towards the goal and fell. A dreadfulfeeling of depression and misery started to go through my tiredbody, we had lost the championship and I started to cry. 10 teammates jumped on me cheering, screaming andlaughing. We had won. We were, the champions. 507

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