The Collection:The Struggles of Young Women_PDF Version

© 2017 Kiarra All rights reserved. All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise— without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, at “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below. [email protected] Cover by Kiarra

Dedicated to the young women around the world who face the unthinkable every day of their lives. An optimist would say, \"It's going to get better\". A pessimist would say, \"It's only to get worse\".  Whether it gets better or worse, which it will, keep fighting and keep enduring because you have hope.

PROLOGUE What a young woman Black or White, European or Caucasian, Asian or African, faces in New York is not all that different from what another faces in California, Minnesota, China, Costa Rica, Belgium, Australia, Brazil or all around the world. The struggles a young woman faces are not ones she faces alone. There is an entire tribe of young women behind her facing the same thing day after day. They have lost. They have loved. They have dreamed. They have believed. They have shed tears. They have fought battles. They have been beaten. They have been broken.

They know: The Struggle. This book is a collection of short stories and poems which a reader can connect to and remember that she is not alone. Sometimes knowing that you aren't alone makes a world of differences.

1. Experimenting With Chocolate \"I've never dated a black girl before.\" Our date was going well, Anthony took me out to eat at my favorite place. How he knew that was my all-time favorite spot, I don't know. But I did have a suspicion Marvin, my oldest brother, might've told him. They are best friends after all. My older brother Samuel was more reserved, choosing to make friends with his comic books. When we went to watch a movie at the theater, he even let me choose the movie. Using the thirty minutes we had to kill before the movie started, we walked around the mall aimlessly and mostly talked about our friends, families, and jobs. Right now, he was working in the family business and waiting for the ideal time to tell his dad about a new job opportunity. I never felt pressured to join the family business after graduation. Instead, they supported me when I decided to become a photographer

Like a true gentleman, he opened the doors for me and kept the conversation focused on both of us rather than just him. Honestly, I was skeptical about going on a date with someone different from me. He was white and I was black. It's not that there was something wrong with him because there wasn't. I wasn't comfortable with the idea, but I gave him a chance, nonetheless. Guys who weren’t black didn't seem to pay much attention to me and me to them. Anthony was a nice guy and we got along great whenever he was over at the house to see my brothers. He smiled at me and I smiled at him. He talked to me and I talked to him. Just like my brothers, he was a funny guy from what I observed. That doesn't say a lot since the littlest things make me chuckle but that did show he had a sense of humor. When is that ever a bad thing? But then he dropped that comment and it ruined the entire night. It was like adding bananas to a smoothie or raisins to a cookie. You've just ruined a great thing. \"What's the supposed to mean?\" I asked turning my head to look into those blue eyes that had girls

swooning. They were enchanting alright but right now I found myself feeling many things and enchanted wasn't one of them. \"Is this some kind of experiment to you?\" And that's when he started mumbling and tripping over his words to cover up his mistake. \"Look here Anthony, I'm not a toy or one of those video games you spend hours playing around with. I am a human with thoughts, feelings, and emotions that go beyond my color.\" \"B— \" \"And I will not be added to your list of achievements!\" \"I never said it was a bad thing! I was just saying—\" \"That you managed to catch an exotic creature?\" I questioned crossing my arms angrily. \"Take me home.\" I said huffing away to his truck. He was on a date with a girl. So what if my skin was darker? So what if my race was black?

So what?     *~*~* \"I'm sorry Mya,\" he apologized once we got to my house. It was a quiet ride and I was just glad to be home. This was why I didn't date white guys. I was nothing more than an experiment or an exotic catch. \"I'm sorry too,\" I said shaking my head disappointedly. \"Sorry that you can't see past the color of my skin.\" I was like any other girl. I had the same beating heart. I went through the same horrendous menstrual cycles. And I had the same desire to be loved.

2. A Second Wife Two months and six days after their \"oh so happy day\" and I still couldn't get accustomed to having another woman in the house. It used to be just dad and me. We'd pig out on chips and dip and Tacos during Super Bowl Sunday. We'd go to my games together and he'd be right there waiting for until the end so we could walk out together and celebrate if I won and mourn with ice cream if we lost. But now, it was an entirely different ball game Now, we were having dinner at the table I never knew we now need. Now, we were eating \"healthy\" which was a code name for no KFC, no Chinese food takeout, no pizza, and no Burger King. Subway was the only fast food that could step foot in this house and that was only once a month. Now, I had to \"act like a girl\". Now, it's like I didn't even matter. At first, I thought Jenay would pass by like the others. But then he brought her home more than the

average time of twice. That's how I knew things were getting serious and before a bat of an eyelash, they were married. And she was living here with us. Not wanting to disappoint my dad or ruin his love life, I kept to myself mostly. I was seen but heard less and less. The sad thing was that he didn't even notice the change. Nowadays, he was enthralled with what Jenay was doing, what she was eating, and how her day was. After a long and pitiful softball game, I walked into an eerily quiet house. I was angry that we lost but I was angrier at my dad for missing yet another game. He used to come to all of them! But that was before she came. It was the hushed tones and squealing that drew my attention to their bedroom. Rolling my eyes, I veered towards my bedroom but was caught halfway there. “Eloise? Is that you?\" he asked coming out of the room. His wide goofy grin was contagious, and I found myself smiling weakly to attest that it was me and I was here.

\"We've got something to tell you!\" he said giddily. \"We're having a baby!\" he shouted ignoring my softball uniform. Ignoring the fact that I had a game. Ignoring the fact that he was supposed to be there. Ignoring how much I hated the fact that he was accelerating at a faster speed than I was and that he was leaving me behind. Things just went from bad to worse.

3. Broken Hearts \"It's not you, it's me.\" I stared at him dumbfounded. Things were going great. He stared at me, gauging my reaction and waiting for a sign that I was about to set off like a fuse. \"It's my weight, isn't it?\" I asked wiping away the tears that were pooling at the corner of my eyes. He looked away ashamedly confirming what I already do. I thought Drew and I felt meshed well together. He just understood me, and I understood him. Or so I thought. But lately, his friends have been cracking jokes, the ones in the workplace and out. Unlike their girlfriends, I wasn't a size two, four, or a barely passing six. I weighed twice as much as they did, if not more. No one cared to know that much of my weight was attributed to my hypothyroidism. I didn’t choose to be this weight by choice. \"Why did you take me out tonight knowing you were going to do this to me?\" I asked him. Feeling heartbreak was

worse than hearing about it. It was instant. My heart sank as if pulled by an anchor. He leaned back against his car’s seat. “I wasn't about to do this over the phone Al, you deserve better than that.\" He explained as if he truly cared about how I felt. \"You're right,\" I chuckled dryly. \"And I deserve to be with a guy who’s not afraid to be with me regardless of what his friends think, regardless of how much I weight, regardless of what he sees on the outside because he'll know that what's on the inside is what really counts!\" I said hopping out of his truck. I slammed the door for emphasis. \"¿Que pasó?\" asked my mother upon seeing me walk in through the back door. We had a back door yet rarely used it unless we had guests coming over. She grabbed my hands into her hands to look into my eyes. I turned away to hide away the pain and disappointment they held. She could see right through me at times. If I lived alone, I would freely walk into my home, drop down into my bed, and cry uncontrollably the entire night. The last thing I wanted was to hear her rub it in my face.

She warned me about Drew multiple times, \"Sólo va a romper tu corazón!\" she would say over and over again until she gave up. \"Lo aprenderás pronto.\" She would often mutter walking by my room as I talked to Drew over the phone or before going out with him and friends. \"Nada mamá.\" I said walking away before she could see the tears fall and my heartbreak more than it already was at this time. \"¿Cual es su problema?\" I heard my younger sister ask her. At 12, she was an exact \"Amor.\" she whispered knowingly. *** The following morning, my face was caked with makeup to avoid a blotchy look. I was opening my locker in the breakroom when I saw the taped photo of us. I ripped it out and crumpled it into a ball that would be sent to the trash. \"Al,\" I heard him say tentatively behind me. Of course, today would be the day where he worked in the office rather than at home. Once again, his connections with Gio allowed him to work remotely when he didn’t feel like coming in early.

\"Exandra,\" I continued without turning around. \"It's Alexandra,\" I corrected him. Looking into those brown eyes always caused my heart to swell and my heart to skip beats. Today they pierced gaping holes in my heart. \"You left this in my car,\" he said holding out the bracelet to me. One of his best friends Gio was walking by when I saw them share a head nod. Gio raised his eyebrow as if saying, \"I thought you were done with that\". Gio was close friends with the owner of the firm. I never liked him because he used those connections to avoid doing real work. \"Because I don't want it,\" I said slamming the locker shut. The bracelet was a reminder of everything I wanted to forget. \"Don't worry Andrew, I'll be a good girl and stand out of your way. Just be sure to stay out of mines.\" I said brushing past him, past the first guy to give me a time of day. The first guy to text me good morning and goodnight. The first guy to let me cry on his shoulders and snot on his jacket. The first guy to win my heart.

4. Hurting Love Silently I nodded my head. Like an obedient child. Eric was like a ticking bomb; I never knew when he would explode. He gently rubbed my face, the exact spot he slapped me three days prior. The red was fading but the pain and the hurt were still going strong. It was as red as my strawberry colored hair. \"You know I love you, right?\" he asked boring into my eyes. \"I'd do anything for you!\" he said fiercely gripping my shoulders. Except treat me with the love and respect I deserve. \"Malik isn't good for you,\" he shouted rising to pace around the room. It We're just friends! \"Guys like him don't know how to treat a woman!\"

And you do? \"You're my girlfriend!\" he pointed at his chest.  \"And always will be.\" Your prisoner. Eric Samuel Luvet wasn't always this way, I promise. Once upon a time, he was as innocent as a lamb and as sweet as a cookie. Once upon a time, he the earth and I was the sun; He protected me from the smallest of the dangers. Now he was the danger. But last year his father was arrested for dogfighting and he just hasn't been the same. But he'll get better, right? These things take time. I just had to be more be patient. Each piercing insult would lessen the pain he felt. Each look of disgust would get his mind off the trouble he was facing. Each slap would bring me one step closer to the old Eric, the one I know and love.

\"Why don't you just leave him?\" They'd ask me. Why don't you try to stop breathing and tell me how that works for you? Eric was like a necessary breath to keep living. Without him, my world would come crumbling down. And that's why I stayed: To keep my world from falling.

5. Fear of Commitment \"Will you marry me?\" It was the very night of graduation and my heart was soaring. I finished a major milestone in life, I walked proudly down the aisle wearing my cap and gown and grabbed my diploma. I was going to join a list of college graduates from my family. Four years of blood! Four years of sweat! Four years of tears! Four years of hard work! But I did it! I calmly walked off the stage and soon after ran into the strong arms of my one and only, Benjamin Wilkes. His arms were home and he was everything a girl could ever dream of. Maybe not every girl but he was a dream come true for me. Ben could put a smile on an old lady's face. He could charm the nastiest of old ladies warm the cold depths of her heart. Ben could put anyone at ease and his laugh was thunderous and booming. But unlike the rain that caused people to run and hide, shriek and yell, his laughter made you want to draw close. His eyes held nothing warmth. What all those people in New York, Washington, and Minnesota needed wasn't sunshine or a heater but my Ben. He could warm you up quickly with his tendency to show concern for anything that could breathe.

I could always see forever with Ben. I could see us having two little girls, Mackenzie Joelle Wilkes and Katherine Zamora Wilkes. I could see us growing old together and living a small cottage home fit to both of our likings.  But marriage has never quite reached that list. Therefore, what I could see would never become a reality. Marriage was sacred, a beautiful engagement between two people who truly love each other; but it was scary too. He stood on one knee with wavering hope. I could see how serious he was about this; Ben was never one to take things as these lightly. \"Ben, what are you doing?\" I asked him softly. \"Uh, I'm asking you to marry me. I thought it was obvious,\" he chuckled nervously. \"Ben,\" I whined burying my face in my hands for what I was about to do. \"Ben, I can't —I can't m-marry you,\" The word sounded bitter and foreign coming from my mouth.

It’s not the answer he was looking for tonight. The answer alone nearly knocked him off his feet. \"B—but why?\" he asked softly peering at me as if I could say \"Got ya!\" And run into his arms with joy. \"I thought you loved me as much as I love you\" \"And I do b—\" \"Is it someone else?\" Who could it possibly be? My energy was spent a thousand different ways as it is. \"No,\" \"Did I do something wrong?\" \"No,\" \"Don't you love me?\" \"You know I do!\" I said fiercely. \"How could you ask that?\" I asked, taking a wide step backward. Now it was the force of his words that were knocking me back. We've been through the worst of the worst together but always managed to stay by each other’s side through it all. We stuck together like Velcro. I remember how hard it was for him when his younger sister Olivia died in a horrible plane crash.

I've never seen him as broken and devastated as he was when he received the news. He cried in my arms for days and every now and then when the anniversary came, he'd do it again. When my grandpa had to battle = cancer, Ben was there for me. Together, all three of us fought and fought. When we felt like giving up, we fought some more. There were days that were harder than most, but Ben was my source of unwavering courage. \"Then why not?\" he asked. \"Speak to me Ally,\" he said softly rising and gathering my hands into his large hands. \"What am I missing sweetheart? Talk to me?\" How was I supposed to tell this boy, no this man before me that I was afraid? My father leaving did a real number on me. I was only eight when it happened, but it was as if it was only yesterday. The memory burned bright in my mind. I could tell you all about that day. I ate a big bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal that morning and was playing with Sammy, my Barbie doll. I was wearing blue denim overalls and sat on the floor with my legs sprawled. He walked into the room kissed me on the forehead and told me that he loved me. I remember

sending him off and waving through the window as he sped off in his blue mustang. He always said he picked that one because it reminded him of my oceanic colored eyes. I thought he was going off on a business trip like usual and he'd come back in a day or two, perhaps four tops. But he never came. He never walked through those doors again. I was afraid Ben would tire of me one day and walk off and out of my life. Remember those dreams I told you about earlier? Well, they could only ever be dreams. As much as I loved my sweet and precious Ben, I had to protect myself from a world of hurt. That's one blow I could never recover from. To see my Ben, in the arms of another or to see him look at me as if I was a girl he used to know and used to love. We had a good thing going and I couldn't risk losing him or what we have by adding forever into the mix? Do you know how long forever is?

Multiply three hundred and sixty-five days by the eighty years you just might live to see, and you wouldn't be close to knowing forever. How could I tell him that I was scared he would break my heart the minute those vows were said, the minute the rings were placed? \"I just can't Ben,\" I said shaking my head. \"I'm sorry,\" I said running away from his warm embrace, one of love and security. He deserved more than I could ever give him. He deserved to have that big family he's always wanted. As a single child, he often felt alone. He deserved better than me. He deserved happiness. He deserved a girl who could commit.

6. The Black Ones Are Taken \"There goes another one.\" Georgia dropped down the table clearly upset by something. We've been best friends for years and by now I didn't need to look at her face to know how she was feeling. All it took was her tone, body language or what she wasn't saying to say it all. Her face was scrunched up and her cheeks looked puffier than normal. The hunter green nail polish she put on yesterday was half chipped off. What could have possibly happened between now and when was standing in the line to order her food. \"What's up?\" I asked looking away from Instagram. Four hundred likes! That's what's up! \"Devonte Williams is dating Alexis,\" She complained as if it was the most horrible thing to ever happen to the town of Balen. Trust me, we've seen worst things happen. Although we’ve graduated from high school, she felt obligated to keep in touch with everyone. I didn’t feel obligated to keep in touch with anyone who wasn’t a friend. \"And?\" I asked not seeing the problem. Georgia saw problems in everything and would whine about it

whereas I saw the problem, dealt with it and then moved on. \"And?\" she repeated. \"And?\" she shouted. \"It's like an epidemic, Mikey is dating Becca,\" Ok? \"Korey is dating Valentina,\" she said. \"Danny is dating Maria and his brother Damon is dating Maddy,\" She was using her fingers to keep count. \"Jamarr is dating Alexandra. Lamar is dating Anastasiya, and Cedric started dating Ryo Qi,\" Well dang! Was she the paparazzi? \"Ty is dating Emma, Kameron is dating Annabelle, Tyrek is dating Nuo, and Rodney is dating Molly,\" She took a deep breath before continuing her rant. \"D'andre is dating Isabella and Brandon is dating Claire! And the list goes on,\" she said coming to an abrupt conclusion. \"Do you know what that means?\" she asked.

I was still clueless as to what the problem was, now more than before. All she did was list who was dating who. \"Uh no,\" I answered honestly. \"Each guy they take, the less black guys we'll have available to us! How could you be so indifferent towards seeing that the availability of black guys is diminishing!\" They? “By the time you’re ready to date, they'll all be gone! Why can't people just stay within their own race? Finding a good and decent black guy is already like finding a needle in a haystack.\" she stabbed her chicken with such anger that it was scary. \"Georgia, they're free to be with whoever they want. It's not really something we can control,\" And it’s not something we should. Or try to. \"But what about us?\" she asked softly. My friend was facing a true dilemma, but it wasn’t what she thought. The dejected look on her face was heartbreaking. She was truly upset about this. She was a beautiful girl with soft ebony colored skin. Her

personality was easy to get along with and if anyone could make you laugh, it would be her. She could easily find a special someone if that's what she wanted. \"What's wrong with us? What it is that they don't find in us Black girls that they feel they need to go searching for outside the race?\" And there go my thoughts of dating Toan, the Vietnamese softie that was staking his claim to my heart. .

7. Somebody that I Used To Know \"Come on Colt,\" I yelled from the bathroom. I had a couple more brushes to remove the tangles in my hair then I'd be done. By that time, he needed to be dressed, fed, and ready to go. Our mornings were crunch time. \"I'm almost done! I still have a pancake to finish!\" he yelled back from the kitchen. Without peaking around the corner, I knew his eyes were glued to his comic books while shoving pancakes pieces in his mouth. \"Then hurry up, the bus will be here any minute.\" If we missed the bus, then we were stuck at home. In the mirror, I reapplied a coat of lipstick. I hated the wintertime; it made my lips chapped. My eyes were red from crying last night and my face still puffy. There was no time to do anything about it. Before heading to the kitchen to make sure his breakfast, the one I made, of course, hadn't ended up all over him instead of his mouth, I checked on her. Who is the her I’m referring to you may ask?

She is the woman who I was inside as an egg for years and years. She is the woman who held me in her uterus for eight and a half months (I was premature). She is the woman behind my suffering. She is many things, but a good mother isn't one of them. She is everything a mother is not. I found her sprawled across her bed with the covers nearly falling off to the ground. Her space heater was on. Her room was the warmest. Most nights, Colt climbed into my bed seeking what little warmth I had to offer. The floor was filthy. Beer and energy cans, and candy wrappers decorated her room like party streamers. \"Hey honey,\" she said in that raspy voice of hers. Shaking my head in disgust, I walked out leaving the toxic of her room. Cancer was going to do away with her soon. I could hear her coughing and hacking, and it was getting worse every day. \"Are you done?\" I asked Colt. Deciding today wasn’t a good day to leave my hair out, I wrapped around the strands to make a bun.

\"Mhm,” he smiled grabbing his backpack. I grabbed my backpack too. For once, we might be early at the bus stop. I finished the rest of his orange juice in one big gulp. \"Hey! I was about to eat that!\" \"We eat orange juice now?\" I asked. \"You know what I meant,\" he huffed along to the kitchen to drop his dirty dishes in the sink. \"Give me a second to say bye to mom.\" he said speeding down the hallway. His heavy backpack bounced with each step. \"Love you mom.\" I heard him whisper. \"Love you too baby.\" I heard her weakly reply. Most likely it was followed by a kiss on her forehead. He did the same thing day after day. Why? I had no idea but if things continued as they were it wouldn't be for long. He too would grow and realize how big of a failure she is. Her failure isn't falling into drugs and substance abuse. I mean yeah, she failed to resist the addiction, but she failed at her number one responsibility in life: to be a mother to her two kids.

If you're going to buy a new pet, the least you can do is take care of it. In the same way. If you're going to put two living organisms on this planet, you better take care of them! If you don't, who else will? Not everyone has an uncle or a brother or a sister or a friend or a grandma or a grandpa to take them in when you fail to do the job. Now she was just a shell of her former self, someone that I used to know.

8. Dating Outside your Race \"Tôi phát điên vì bạn,\" he said in his native language. I found it enchanting and commendable that he was able to effortlessly speak his parents’ native language. Some people strip off their native language and culture after moving to a new country out of shame or a desire to assimilate. The way his mouth moved to annunciate each word was enthralling. Whenever I tried, I seemed to make a mess of things. \"And what does that mean?\" I asked, having no clue. \"I'm crazy about you,\" he said slowly emphasizing every word. \"Your smile, your drive to succeed, your caring nature and your sense of humor keeps me reeled in.\" \"Really?\" I asked not able to constrain the wide grin that was forming on my face. Toan made my heart beat faster than normal with just a glance. He was everything I wanted in a guy: tall, funny, intelligent, caring, and the fact that he could cook was a bonus. I was looking to meet someone worthy of building a

future with and if our goals in life didn’t match, we didn’t need to be together. \"Really Dani,\" he confirmed intertwining our hands. Toan and I went to high school together and shared a couple of classes over the years. \"I still remember when I came here my sophomore year. Man, I was nervous and terrified to be in a new country… away from home. My grandparents were supportive, but they could only do so much. I remember walking into the office and being greeted by your big smile and your warm and welcoming nature.” he explained. It surprised me to know he still remembered that. \"As part of the welcome committee, you showed me around and made me feel welcomed. It was your job I guess but you didn't make it seem that way. You made it seem like you were actually happy to have me here at your school.\" he grinned. \"You have no idea how much that meant to me.\" \"You're crazy about me?\" I asked in a soft voice just to make sure I heard him correctly and because I wanted to hear it again. \"Mhm,\" he smirked. \"So crazy, that I want you to officially be my girlfriend.\"

\"Really?\" I asked again excitedly. \"Is that all you're going to say tonight?\" he chuckled. He was on one side of the bench and I was on the other side. Behind me, I could hear kids laughing and giggling as they fed the ducks or played tag. \"Yeah,\" I laughed. \"If you're going to keep surprising me.\" \"None of this should be unexpected,\" he said. We weren’t the only ones who decided tonight would be a perfect night to have an evening picnic in the park. The sun was slowing setting still offering a bit of light. The trees offered shade and the swishing leaves created a gentle breeze. His old jacket kept me warm and the smell was intoxicating. It was sweet and spicy mixed with the smell of a fryer. Usually, I'd be repulsed but he made it work. Knowing he spent the day cooking up the food for tonight was attractive and showed how much he cared. He cooked what would be considered Vietnamese food for me to try and American food in case I didn't like anything else. He knew how picky I could be. In my perspective, him cooking the Vietnamese food for me to try was a welcoming gesture and an introduction to his culture. I felt honored to see that he was inviting me into that.

The Gà Kho Recipe (Vietnamese Caramelized Chicken) was amazing. The sweet caramel taste had me wanting more. The Goi Cuon was also good since I love egg rolls. Toan packed them with salad greens, and shrimp (my favorite type of seafood of all times), coriander, and dipped them in his own special sauce. He claimed the sauce was a secret he couldn't share with me, something about it being a family recipe. The only thing I didn't like at all was the banh xeo which was a crisp crepe filled with shrimp, bean sprouts, pork, then lastly garnished with fresh herbs that are. Together we sat and just talked, you'd be surprised at how much you learn about someone when just talking and eating. \"And why is that?\" \"Because I've made it pretty clear these past few weeks that I'm definitely feeling a connection with you,\" he explained staring me in the eye. One of the things I had to learn about Toan was his ability to maintain eye contact for a long time and I mean a long time. You could lecture about the American civil war from beginning to end and not once would his eye stray. On the other hand, I tended to look around times during a conversation. I'm still paying attention, but I didn't want to feel creepy. Usually having someone stare at me would

make me feel as if I was being scrutinized or judged, but when he did it, he was being attentive and giving me his undivided attention. \"And don't you dare say really,\" he chuckled. \"I've honestly been feeling the same,\" I said shyly. \"I just can't stop thinking about you.\" I confessed. \"Really?\" he asked. \"What did you just say,\" I said hitting him lightly on the shoulder. \"No saying really,\" I reminded him. \"That rule was only for you; you would've kept saying that until the minute I dropped you home. To get back on topic, I was kind of unsure if I was just imagining things or if there was really something between us. Tonight, I decided to just go ahead and be real and tell you how I feel.\" \"Why is that? Why did you feel unsure?\" I asked softly. I could never do anything right? Why would he think I would be anything but interested? \"Because you changed on me really quick, we went from talking repeatedly to once or twice. I felt like

you were mad at me and giving me the cold shoulder. You barely said a word or two—\" \"Okay, okay,\" I said interrupting him. \"I get it,\" I was so wrong for that. \"You're right.\" I admitted. \"So, I wasn't imagining the fact that you were distancing yourself from me.\" he said relieved.  I shook my head ashamedly for my actions. \"I'm so sorry Toan,\" I could have handled this in a more mature manner instead of running away and taking the easy road. \"Then all of sudden you picked up right where we left off like nothing ever happened. Don't get me wrong, I was happy you did but I just wonder what scared you off in the first place. Why'd you do it? Was it something I said or did?\" he asked hesitantly. \"Trust me, you were not the problem,\" I said mentally beating myself up for letting my friend get to my head. \"Then what was?\"

\"Me, I guess,\" I said playing with a blade of grass. \"I let Georgia's words get to me and I shouldn't have.\" \"She said to act like I don’t exist?\" \"Uh... not directly... she doesn't even know about this or us.\" \"And why is that?\" he asked confused. \"Isn't she your best friend?\" If you read in between the lines, what he really was asking was: You haven't told you your best friend we're hanging out because we want to date? Are you ashamed of this? Is this not as important as I thought? \"She is but she doesn't get it, she just won't get it!\" I said frustrated by the thought that people were against interracial relationships. Why was that the first thing they noticed? \" I've talked to her many times about this to see if I could be a voice of reason, but she just won't budge. In her opinion, you should only date within your race. So, I should be dating a black guy and you should be dating a Vietnamese girl.\" It was sad to know her thoughts reflected those of thousands. \"Dating outside your race takes the available single men and women from that race,\" I was ashamed to even speak of this.

Those views were so outdated that it embarrassed me to think that my own friend had those views. \"Do you believe that?\" he asked me seriously. \"Of course, not or I wouldn't be here with you,\" I said honestly hoping I haven't hurt his feelings. \"When I'm with you I'm always learning new things about Vietnam, more than I've ever learned from a textbook. I get to try new foods and see things from a different perspective. You've honestly been eye- opening and I don't want to lose that or you.\" I said pointing at him. \"Who cares what Georgia or other people want or think, all that matters is what I want.\" \"And what is that?\" \"To be with you officially as your girlfriend.\"

9. Never Marry A Haitian Man \"Pa janm marye ak yon gason Ayisyen!\" [\"Never marry a Haitian man!\"] My mother has been telling me that for years since I was a little girl actually. [\"Yo pa vo anyen\"] \"They are worth nothing!\" she would say while chopping the head of the fish, cleaning the goat meat or cutting the beef into manageable pieces. My mother was consoling my older sister Marie, which is pronounced ma-ree. She was in her arms crying her eyes out as a complete bubbling mess. Her husband of a year, Pierre, left her high and dry to be with another woman. The hardest part was that she was two months pregnant. “I'm so sorry mom, I should've believed you!\" She said angrily. \"I'm so stupid.\" My mother knowingly patted her head and pressed her face against her chest. \"What am I going to do?\" she cried. \"I have nowhere to go, \"Then she asked the question we both knew

was coming. It was a bombshell of a question. \"Can I come back home?\" she asked weakly. My mother shot her that looked, \"I warned you and you chose to disobey and me. You chose this for yourself. These are the consequences you're going to have to face by yourself.\" My mother looked up at me and shot me another look, I turned my attention away from them and returned back to cooking the Diri Kole (rice and beans). \"But mom-\" [\"Pa di'm mom-\"] \"Don't mom me-\" She said warningly. [\"Eske'm pa te di'w sa? Eske'm pa te avèti'w de gason Asisyen? Sa'm te di'w?\"] \"Didn't I tell you? Didn't I warn you about Haitian men Marie, what did I tell you?\" \"That there only going to break my heart,\" she sobbed. \"But I thought Pierre was different, he loved me—\"

\"He loved you?\" she asked disgustedly. My mom no longer knew what the word meant. My father tarnished such a beautiful word in her eyes. [\"Kote'l kounye a?\"] \"Then where is he?\" She asked. \"Huh? Where is he now? Running around with some other women, is that what you call love?\" she asked bitterly. \"Haitian men will only want you for your money, your body, a green card or for whatever you have but love will never be one of the things they're after!\" My mother’s hands flailed around when they weren’t resting comfortably on their hips. \"Take your father for example, I worked hard for years working day after day to bring him to this country and what do I get? He comes, I get me pregnant and during our fifteen years of marriage, he cheated on me over and over again like it was a game. Do you think he loved me?\" After all these years it was clear to see the hurt has never been erased but each day it remained there in her heart ingrained into her memory. She stopped to shake her head. “Once upon a time, I may have thought that… like when he was telling me sweet words and writing me love poems, but that Jacques saved for Haiti. Once he crossed over

the border, I finally came to see his true colors.\" Her face scowled with disgust. \"And the hardest thing is that woman he left you for, he plans on doing the same thing too.\" she said scrunching up her nose. My sister cried into my mother's lap. She begged and pleaded for her to let move back in, but my mom wasn't having any of it. She said she didn't want my sister being a bad influence on me. She made her own bed and now she has to lie in it. *•*•*•* That night moved me to tears, I cried for my sister and the heartbreak she was feeling. I cried for the baby who would grow up fatherless. I cried out of anguish for the woman who stole my sister's husband. Then I cried for Michel which is pronounced mee-shell and of what could never happen. After a year and a half of secretly dating, he proposed to me two weeks ago. We met when I was taking college classes at Walter G. University, the same college he was preparing to start his senior year in. I was taking classes there. It just so happens that we both had the same class: art history. All it took was a couple of interactions and he had me

hooked. He often told me, all it took was a look into my chocolatey brown eyes and he was a goner. We both had many similarities: we were children of Haitian immigrants, the first person in our family to attend college, and had a love of Kompa music and our love of history in general but specifically art history. Like anyone else, we have differences but those only seemed to tighten the bond we'd formed. Figuring out the easiest way to break up with someone was hard, especially when the person hasn't done anything wrong (yet) and you're still in love with them. I dug the ring out from under my pillow, the one I never wore because my mom would skin me alive. I admired its beauty or at least what I could see in the darkness of the night. I remember giddily biting my lips as he slipped it onto my fingers and the way he enclosed me in his deep embrace. The only way to save yourself tomorrow is by eliminating the danger today. We were both the children of Haitian immigrants. We were influenced heavily by both cultures. We were tied down to the rules of our parents and to the Haitian society within America. I can't imagine falling into the same situation as my sister and betraying my mother twice. For days I let

what I had to do lay heavily on my heart, weighing it down. Everything seemed bland and seeing couples here and there made me angry. How come I couldn't have that? How come I couldn't have a relationship that was guaranteed to succeed? Why did men have to cheat? Why did Haitian men have to have such a bad reputation? Why did my love have to be Haitian? Why couldn't he be German, French, Swedish or Argentinian, anything but Haitian? Only then would my mother ever accept him into her loving arms. She wouldn't disown me and walk around the home with my name on her lips with distaste. She wouldn't hate me and feel like all those years of toil were a waste. With tears and a heavy heart, I laid the engagement ring in the palm of his hands. The look of shock and hurt burned brightly on that face I stroked so many times, the one I chastely kissed goodbye plenty of times.

\"Paula, don't do this,\" he pleaded, boring his brown eyes into mine. \"I'm willing to wait for as long as you need. If it's time or—\" \"I don't need anything from you Michel,\" I said shaking my head. \"Nothing.\" \"The one thing I want, you could never give,\" I whispered. \"There's no point in continuing this, you don't love me!\" I said easing my voice. I clenched my fingers just imagining the hurt that laid in store for me in the future. \"What you think is love is only infatuation—\" \"That's not true! I do love you Paula! I don't know what your mother has told you, but you must not know how I feel about you. You must not know how strong my love for you is, how loud it beats morning and night just at the thought of us being married\" \"You think you do but you don't, and if you really do for how long? Huh? For a day? For two?\" Marie was happily roaming about not so long ago and now her entire world was falling to shambles. \"Where is all this coming from? Did your mother find out about us? Are you scared? Is that why you're

talking crazy? Is that why you're pushing me away?\" he asked moving closer and closer. With each question, he nearly hit the spot. \"I love you today and I'll love you more and more each and everyday Paula, don't let your mother scare you away from what we have!\" \"That's what they all say and look at what happened. That's what my father said to my mother and look now. That's what Pierre said to Marie and what happened, now he's having the time of his life with another woman while Marie is left broken and hurting and left to deal with her pregnancy all alone!\" I cried aloud at the injustice of it all. \"I was at their wedding! I saw how he looked at her and how he held her in his arms! I saw how he whispered sweet words into her ears and intoxicated her with his love.” It was a beautiful ceremony. I thought they were going to prove my mom wrong. I thought my sister’s success would prove to my mom that not every man was my father. There were men out there more than capable of treating their wives with the love and respect they deserved. My mom almost didn’t go but she did. Now, she regrets wasting her money on buying a new dress for the occasion. \"And that's exactly what you're doing... You're only going to hurt me Michel, that’s what all Haitian men do!

They make you fall in love with them, they have a baby with you then leave once they find something new and better looking on the market!\" \"I'm not them!\" he yelled hoping the words would sink through. \"You can't condemn me for what I am, for the blood flowing through my veins. I am Haitian and I can't ever change that Paula but that doesn't dictate my actions, my morals or anything!\" he said hitting his right hand against the open palm of his left. \"I would never disrespect you in such a way! I'm sorry for what happened with your mother and Paula but I'm not those men, you can't blame me for their actions.\" His eyes pleaded with me to come to my senses. \"It's so easy to say that now but once that fishing hook is dangling around your face—\" \"My eyes will still be on the prize which is you,\" \"I can't marry you Michel.\" I said finally. It was time to bring this to an end, \"And I can't be with you, in the end, you'll only break my heart and I can't let you do that-\" \"Paula-\"