“Don’t you want to go to the pharmacy to get your medication?”“It’s painkillers. We have plenty at home.” I said pulling her along.Arthritis. I had thought of all sorts of problems I could have had but I really didn’texpect this. I contemplated about how it would affect me, how it would restrict howmuch I could walk or how fast I could walk. In my previous thoughts, I alwaysbelieved it to be temporary. But it wasn’t temporary. This was now going to be alifelong struggle.3“According to this brochure, gaining weight can make the pain worse.” Safia said. Ithink she was trying to make a joke and lighten up the mood a little.“Great. Exercising would probably make my arthritis flare up. If I don’t do that, I’llgain weight and that will make it worse too. It’s a lose lose situation.” I knew I wasbeing irrational and exaggerating but I was irritated. Safia became quiet. “I thoughtyou said everything was going to be okay.” I was clearly in a foul mood. Safia’s headhung low as we walked side by side. What upset me most is that I couldn’t be theperson she wanted me to be. I knew Safia liked going on long walks with me. Nowshe couldn’t do that and it was all my fault.2We reached home and I let go of Safia’s hand to open the door. Once we were inside,Maryam came running down.“What did the doctor say?” She asked.“Get out the way,” I said.2“I see the old Yusuf’s back,” She said moving aside. I shot her a glare and pulled apuzzled looking Safia upstairs.4“What did she mean by that?” Safia asked once we were in our room.“Nothing,” I replied. I sat on the bed and lay sideward burying my face in my pillow.“Yusuf,” Safia said sitting next to me. She began to stroke my hair. She did that a lot.It eased my tension a little. I felt the need to apologize so I sat up.“I’m sorry.” I put my arm around her.“Why?”
“Because of my stupid ankle. I can’t do things you want me to do. Every time we goout, I end up in pain. And then you apologize to me when I’m the one who shouldbe apologizing.” Safia looked back at me blankly. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled again.“You don’t need to say sorry,” She said. I didn’t believe her.“I might have to get a cane now. Isn’t that attractive?” I asked sarcastically.“On you, anything is attractive.” Safia hugged my waist and leaned her head againstmy chest. I squeezed her. She made me feel better. Slowly the happy feeling ofholding Safia wore off. I thought about how else my life would be affected.7“I won’t be able to play with my children,” I said sadly.2“That’s silly. Of course, you’ll be able to play with them. You’re making your arthritissound worse than it is.”4“But I won’t be able to run around with them or teach them to play football. I won’tbe able to play football properly again.”2“It might get better.” Safia assured me. “I know someone who has arthritis. It isn’tthere all the time. I think.”2“Do you even know anything about this condition?”“I only know a little bit.”“Same. I didn’t think learning about it was necessary.” I lifted my leg to look at theswelling. Safia let go of me and picked up the brochure the doctor gave us.“So why don’t you stop wearing those shoes you wear and get special made onesthat are good for your ankle?” Safia pointed to the part about custom-made shoes.I often wore high tops to hide the swelling as Islam advised men to have their clothesabove their ankles. It didn't hide it completey but it made it less apparent. Safiadidn’t like them but I wore them anyway. I hated it when people asked about anyswelling that formed. It used to be occasional but it had recently started becomingregular.11“Nice try. I’ll just go with getting shoe inserts.” I smiled a little seeing Safia roll hereyes.“Are you feeling better now?” She asked.
“A bit. Still kind of depressed.” Safia got up and took the Qur’an down from the topof the shelf. Every night, Safia and I would read a bit of the Qur’an together.Sometimes I would recite and Safia would listen, or Safia would recite and I wouldlisten. Sometimes we recited together or we would read it ourselves separately.55Safia sat next to me opening the Qur’an to Surah Yusuf (the chapter in the Qur’anabout the prophet Joseph).14“That’s not where we’re up to.” I reminded her.“I know. I think we should read this surah today and reflect upon it.” So that waswhat we did. We took turns reciting and towards the end, I felt gratitude towardsAllah. I compared my life to the prophet Yusuf’s and felt ashamed about howungrateful I was.8“He had suffered three major calamities.” Safia said, after we finished. “First he wasthrown into a well by his brothers, then the aziz's (nobleman) wife tried to seducehim and then he was thrown into prison. Yet he never forgot Allah. He neverquestioned what was happening to him. In the end, he was highly rewarded.” Safiagathered her thoughts before speaking again. “I don’t precisely know the pain youhave to go through and how it affects you but I have my own issues too. I was neverplanning on telling you but I have these insecurities about the way I look.” Thisconfused me.32“What about the way you look?” I raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for her tocontinue.“I have these insecurities that I must battle with. It sounds stupid but it makes mefeel down and it’s something that eats me up on the inside. The more I think aboutit the worse I feel. It gets so bad that no matter what anyone says, nothing makesme feel better. I thought that would stop after marriage but not too long ago ithappened again. Something so minor triggered that insecurity. But since I’vemarried you, seeing the way you deal with things by praying extra, it’s helped me. Iunderstand now that when I feel down, my iman (faith) is weak. The only way tomake it strong again is through reconnecting with Allah. And I’ve learnt, It’s not themarriage which has helped me fight my insecurities, it’s not your compliments oryou calling me beautiful, it’s what your character has taught me. So thank you. Thankyou very much.”28I was touched by what she said. Knowing I helped her without intending to filled mewith delight. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond.1
“I would say, don’t be insecure but I’m sure that wouldn’t do much good. So insteadI’m going to say, I think you’re beautiful. And, I’m glad you told me. You know youcan talk to me about anything Safia.” We sat holding hands feeling comfortable ineach other’s presence.Safia’s phone began ringing and Safia got up to answer it. I watched her speak, arange of emotions on her face. It started with anticipation, then joy, thenthoughtfulness and finally excitement. Her face lit up listening to the other personspeaking on the phone. Then she squealed and began talking really fast.“This is so amazing! Okay I’ll speak to you soon in’sha’allah. Asalamu’alaykum.”“What happened?” I asked after she hung up.“You know my revert friend Amy from Germany? She’s moving back to England!” SoAmy was her name. “This summer!” Safia shouted. She was almost jumping she wasso happy.5“Great.” I replied.“Yep! I cannot wait! It’s been too long since I last met her.” Safia sat back down,feeling a little calmer. “We’ve had our ups and downs but she’s one of my bestfriends. She was always there for me in college. She used to bring out this confidentside of me. I was really hurt when we became distant but then I forgave her when Ilearnt about what she went through. Then I got to see her turn into someone sopracticing and peaceful. I love her like a sister.”“Interesting.” By the way Safia talked about Amy, it seemed she had a very hard life,poor girl.“Let’s go downstairs now. You need to apologize to Maryam. You were quite rudeto her earlier on.” I looked down, feeling ashamed. I got up and felt a light pain inmy ankle. Taking a step forward, I could feel it was stiff. I limped forward.“Is it hurting again?” Safia asked.“Hardly. It’s okay.” Safia came and took my arm. I felt guilty. In some of my worsedays, I depended on Safia to move around. I had to put my arm around her smallshoulders to be able to walk. I decided I should get a walking stick. It wasn’t fair tothrow my weight on Safia. “I really wish I was better for you.” I said seeing Safia’sconcerned expression.
“Yusuf!” She screamed my name, annoyed. I turned away, preparing myself to bescolded by her. ”You said you like me the way I am. Well Yusuf, I love you exactly theway you are.” My head snapped up to look into Safia’s wide angry eyes. She justconfessed she loved me. A grin spread across my face.35“I love you too!” I said. Safia looked shocked. I don’t think she even knew what shesaid. Then she smiled so wide I could see nearly all her teeth. She embraced me sotight I nearly fell. I chuckled as I said, “I love you so much.” I dug my face into herneck.38“I used to think this was so cheesy when other people said it. It’s actually quitesweet.” Safia whispered into my ear,“You’re ruining the moment. You’re supposed to tell me how much you love me!” Isaid and Safia moved her head back. I did too so I could see her properly. Safia lookedup thoughtfully.2“I love you this much.” She said holding her thumb and index finger a centimeteraway from each other.“That’s not enough! I need more!” I grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it.“I assure you Yusuf; I love you more than you love me.” She said, her eyes twinkling.“I highly doubt that.”“Okay, I don’t want to get into this argument. It’s super cheesy.” I laughed, strokingher soft cheeks with my thumb. “As much as I’d like to stay here, you need to go andsay sorry to Maryam.” I nodded and let go of Safia. She was right. I walked down thestairs to the living room where Maryam was watching TV. It felt strange apologizingto my younger sister. I sat down with Safia next to me. Safia nudged me to speak.5“I’m sorry for being rude to you earlier.” I said.“It’s okay.” I turned my attention to the TV feeling rather awkward. “What did thedoctor say?” Maryam asked.“He said Yusuf has arthritis.” Safia spoke when I didn’t answer.“Oh my!” Safia explained everything to Maryam while I sat quietly. Then there wasa long pause after their conversation finished.
“Hey Maryam, my friend’s coming back to England this summer in’sha’allah. She’sso awesome. I would love for you to meet her!” Safia said, changing the topic.“Which friend?” Maryam asked.I zoned out from what Safia and Maryam were talking about and started to thinkabout how Safia said she loved me. It was amazing how this one person made mefeel so much better. I knew that if I didn’t have Safia, I may have started regressinginto my old ways.
Chapter 27.Safia’s POVWhen my exams were over, it felt like a huge burden had been removed from myshoulders. Yusuf helped me a lot. He was like a personal tutor. He helped me withall the things I struggled on in Arabic. If I passed with good grades, I owed it to him.4It had been two months since we found out about his arthritis. He was coping a lotbetter. He was taking medication and he was going for physiotherapy. Sometimeshe got a little annoyed and upset, but I made sure not to get hurt or offended withhis attitude towards me. I was being as empathetic as I could. He had to always becautious and I knew a lot of the time, he didn’t let me know if he was in pain. Hepretended to be fine when he wasn’t.4We made little jokes about his ankle to lighten up his feelings towards his condition.Yusuf had one year left of his plumbing course and Maryam kept saying “You’relimping your way to success.” Yusuf rolled his eyes and laughed it off. He had hisown way of getting back at her for the teasing. Summer had officially started and Ialways made sure there were ice cubes in the freezer. Yusuf would take a coupleand drop them into the back of Maryam’s top. Then Maryam would dance aroundand shake it out, making Yusuf double over with laughter.20It was right after my exams finished, when I officially moved in with Yusuf and hisfamily. It didn’t feel so strange because I was spending most of my days off thereanyway. I went to see my family at least once a week. I was a little sad when moving,but Yusuf was there for me. He made it all better.2We had also talked about our little holiday. The honeymoon in Turkey used up a lotof our money. I had learnt Yusuf was also saving up for Hajj. He was keen in savingfor the future, even if he only saved a little bit for everything. Every payday, he woulddivide his money into small portions and write down how much money he put intoeverything. He had a little diary with a list of things. I saw ‘wedding’ which had beencrossed out. He was wise with money although he didn’t earn a lot. It was somethingI admired about him. Yusuf told me about his fears of how he would perform Hajjwith his arthritic ankle but I comforted him by saying Allah would give him strength.Learning from Yusuf, I had started saving too. Instead of spending all my money onfood, I started saving and contributed it towards the trip we planned of one week inMorocco, using up all of Yusuf’s days off from work. I was super excited.16
It wasn’t long before Amy was back. I’d found out the reason for her return was hermum’s deteriorating health. I’d visited her mum a few times and it was always solovely to meet her. Although she wasn’t very happy with Amy converting to Islam,she was more accepting than the rest of her family. Eventually her dad came aroundand accepted it but she had told me he had later stopped talking to her. Her sisterand her brother in law weren’t very keen on it either.5Hamza and I collected Amy from the airport since none of her family could, orwanted to, get her. As soon as we saw each other, we ran in full speed and gaveeach other a huge bear hug in the middle of the arrivals section of the airport. I wasso happy to see her! We kept blabbering on about everything and anything. Hamzatook Amy’s luggage for her and dragged it to the car like a gentleman because that’swhat I told him he had to do earlier. I saw the way Amy and Hamza looked at eachother. It was one glance but I could feel some sparks between them. I had made upmy mind; I was going to set Hamza and Amy up. We dropped Amy straight to hermother’s house and she promised she would visit the following week.32I got Amy to come for a visit at my parents’ house because Hamza was there. Also,it felt more comfortable to sit and chat with her there. I didn’t mind Yusuf’s/myhouse, but it just wasn’t as homely and warm as my parents’ house.She had phoned me when she got near my house so she didn’t have to ring the bell,like she used to do before.“Asalamu’alaykum Amaani!” I said referring to the Islamic name I had chosen forher. “Nah, I’ll just call you Amy. It suits you more.”8“Wa’alykumsalaam Safi.”“I don’t dislike being called Safi anymore. I started to find it tolerable when Yusufstarted calling me by it. He doesn’t say it that much but it’s cute when he does.”2“Are you going to stand at the door and get lost in thoughts about Yusuf or are yougoing to let me in?”4“Oh sorry!” I led her to the kitchen so she could say hello to my mum and Zayna.Then I got some snacks and took Amy to my room.“So…” I said getting comfortable on my bed. “What’s new?” She told me about herstudies in Germany. I asked her about where she lived and how the area was.Something was wrong. Amy wasn’t talking like normal.
“It was a bit lonely there. I was one of the only hijabis.” She said.“Is that why you’re upset?” I asked.“What makes you think I’m upset?”“Oh come on Amy. It’s so obvious something’s on your mind. Let it out.”“Well.” She paused and stroked her knuckles thoughtfully, as if she wascontemplating on whether she should tell me or not. “You know him.” I knew whatthat meant.3“Voldemort?” I started that obvious code name because she couldn’t even bear tosay her ex fiancé’s nickname.25“Yeah. I saw his brother on the way here. The one with anger issues.”8“Oh.” I didn’t really know how to respond. After a little silence, I decided to ask thequestion that had been on my mind for nearly three years.“What happened between you and him?”“You know. I told you.”“Not properly.” Amy looked around, as if for a distraction.“Fine I’ll tell you. I was completely over it until I came back. Still am over it but somescars remain.” Finally, I was about to find answers.“I actually met him while I was still in college.” She began. “He was really handsomeand charming. So he charmed me. Complimented me and told me how amazing itwas that I left everything to become Muslim. Of course many Muslims said that butit was so flattering coming from him. Then we got talking and we used to meet upsometimes. I started to like him a lot. Then one day he proposed and I accepted. Ididn’t tell you because I knew you would have told me off about talking to himexcessively and meeting him in person. I wish that you did.10
“Anyway, so I began to meet with him regularly. At first it was amazing. He paintedthis picture of how our marriage would be. He made me feel so happy. But slowlyhe started becoming controlling. Being a convert to Islam, he thought he could takeadvantage of me. He knew I didn’t have much support from my family. Hemanipulated me to become dependent on him. Sometimes he’d go on my phoneand get numbers of my female friends and flirt with them. That’s when I becamedistant with you. I deleted all the girls off my contact list. I wanted to desperately bethe only one for him. I cut off everyone from my life just for him.” My mouth hungopen with shock.23“Relax Safia. I’m not the only one either. This happens to reverts all the time.” Iwanted to cry but I was too shocked to move.9“Then what happened?” I asked, hoping she’d go on.“I got him to talk to his mum. She hated me because I wasn’t from their culturalbackground. The first time I went to his house, his brother was shouting at him,swearing and cussing. When I entered the house, his brother stormed past me andout of the front door. I was relieved he left, he was scary! So then it was justme, him and his parents. His mum was skeptical of me. First she was nice, offeredme drinks and sat down. We started to talk and she started to ask rather personalquestions. You know Safia, before I was Muslim, I was slightly rebellious. I wasn’tthat bad though. I answered her questions with complete honesty. I told her I usedto have close guy friends who I stopped talking too shortly after I accepted Islam.That was one of the things she used against me. She’d asked me if I smoked, and Itold her I used to only for a little while. She used that against me too even thoughher son smoked. There are loads of things Safia; I don’t want to go into them.”5“No. You must tell me more!” I felt the need to know the full story. Finally everythingwas unravelling. “Tell me about the time he bit you.”“Okay, I may have altered the story a bit when I told you. It was kind of my fault. Thisis what really happened.” Amy took a deep breath and continued. “I asked him aboutwhy his brother was always so angry at him. He replied ‘because he’s an idiot.’ Ipressed him for more answers because I was curious. If I was going to marry him, Iwanted to know about his family. He told me his brother had issues and would directall his anger towards him. His brother was distant from everyone and would oftenstay out late playing football just to get some attention, whether that be scoldingfrom his mum.”44“What has his brother got to do with anything?”
“Well, he accused me of having a thing for his brother. I was disgusted and that washow the fight started. We threw insults at each other then I got angry and slappedhim. He hit me back and I jumped on him with my arm around his neck, stranglinghim.”11“Amy!” I gasped.3“I know I know. I repent for it every day. So he bit me on my arm so I would stopstrangling him.”3“This is crazy!”17“I know. But we made up after that. He seemed remorseful and turned into the oldnicer version of himself. By this time, my dad had come to terms with me beingMuslim. So I asked him to come with me to meet him and his family two days afterour fight. My dad agreed. That’s when we went and his mum called me all sorts ofhorrible words and spoke many lies. She claimed I had several boyfriends and that Ismoked. She threw other horrendous accusations against me. The whole timenobody spoke. I was angry, really angry. He also remained quiet, knowing his motherwas lying. He didn’t even defend me! I told him it was over, I threw the ring he gaveme at his face and left. My dad was speechless the whole way home. ‘So these areMuslims?’ He said once we were home. ‘This is what you left your old life for. Andall that she said, is it true?’ I denied everything. He was furious with me. I asked himwhat I could do to make things better and he said I should leave Islam or leave hishouse. Shortly after, I packed everything and moved to Germany. That’s the real andmain reason why I hate them. I lost my dad because of them. I’m living with him nowbut he won’t look at me. He’s only letting me stay because of mum’s health.” By nowAmy had tears in her eyes.10“I’m so sorry Amy! That must have been absolutely awful!” I gave her a hug, tearsfalling down my own face. When Amy calmed down, she let out a little laugh.“When I first found out he had a brother, I wanted to set him up with you so wecould both be married to brothers.” I laughed a little too wiping away my tears. Weused to talk about how it would be so amazing to marry into the same family.“Funnily enough, his brother’s name was Yusuf too.”128“What a coincidence.” I said. But then my heart felt like it stopped. My smile faded.I lightly shook my head telling myself it was silly. It couldn’t be.1“What’s wrong with you?” Amy asked.
“Amy, what is Jav’s real name?” Jav was the name she told me, the name we usedto call him by. Slowly we had stopped calling him that too.“Javed Suleiman. Why?”75“No.” I said shaking my head. “It can’t be.” My body began to shake and I could feelmyself sweating.1“Safia, what’s wrong?”“I’m married to Yusuf Suleiman.” I said panicking. “I’m married to Jav’s brother.” Onerealization after another hit me. “You saw Yusuf today, he dropped me here.” I saidfeeling my eyes blur from tears. Amy let out a loud gasp. “I live under the same roofas the people who ruined your life.”
Chapter 28.Safia’s POVBe calm, I told myself. Amy was just as shocked as I was. We concluded that wewould keep this private for the time being. When Hafsa came later and joined us,we tried our best to be as normal as possible. Hafsa sensed there was something notright, but she didn't say anything because of Amy's presence. As soon as Amy left,Hafsa said,13\"Tell me. Don't deny it; you have something on your mind. Tell me.\"\"I have to go home.\" If I stayed any longer, I'd end up telling Hafsa everything.\"Why? You've been with Amy the whole time you were here. Don't you want tospend any time with us?\"\"I do but I have to go home.\"\"No you don't. You usually stay the whole day here. Did Aunt Jerry hint somethingto you again?\" Hafsa asked curiously. Neither of us had any bad feelings towardsher. I actually quite liked her. But after what Amy told me, that had changed. I feltlike shouting to Hafsa, 'Don't talk to me about that woman!'Suddenly, everything about her seemed bad. I could no longer ignore the commentsshe made about my clothes or how she disliked me coming to my parents' house fora day and how she often made sly remarks about it. She would tell me how otherdaughters in laws only went home when their mother in law gave them permissionto. Permission to see my parents? Why would I need someone else's permission tovisit my parents? Besides, Yusuf was happy with it. But even he was blind to thethings his mum did. She always made me do all the housework and showed noappreciation. Yusuf and Maryam always helped me and appreciated me. SometimesYusuf's father helped too. That was my only motivation.\"No, she didn't hint anything.\" Not this time.\"Then why won't you stay? Tell Yusuf to pick you up later.\"\"He's at work.\"
\"Tell him to pick you up after work.\" Hafsa wasn't going to listen. A part of me didn'twant to see Yusuf just yet. Learning about what he used to be like was disturbing,especially because I could see some resemblances of Amy's description of Yusuf. Hewasn't someone I would classify as having anger issues but since he learnt about hisarthritis, he sometimes became a bit grumpy. 16\"Fine.\" I said giving in. It was going to be a long day.When Yusuf came, I didn't know what I felt when I saw him. The usual joy was therealong with other feelings. There were questions and doubt. Lots of doubt. How welldid I know the man I married? He greeted everyone and sat down next to me,blending into the family well, as always.9“What’s up with you?” He asked after a while.“Everyone keeps saying that.” I tried to make a little joke out of it. Saying ‘nothing,I’m fine’ would have made it to obvious that something was wrong.“Then smile.” He said poking my side. I smiled as convincingly as I could. Yusufseemed satisfied as he directed his attention towards Hamza.Time dragged on and I became more and more anxious about going ‘home.’ I didn’twant to see Yusuf’s brother and his mum. I never liked Javed but I was kind of fondof Aunt Jerry. Sometimes she upset me but I always thought it was unintentional.When she sounded critical of me, I saw it as constructive criticism. When she askedme to do so many chores at once, I felt it was my duty to do so because she was amotherly figure to me. Now I felt naïve and stupid. Of course it was all intentional.She never liked me. I knew it from the first day but I lied to myself, I buried thosefeelings. At first it was because she was my mum’s friend. Then it was for Maryam.Then when the comments became more frequent, I ignored them for Yusuf.4“Safia?” Yusuf said, pulling me away from my depressing thoughts.“Yeah?”“I said your name about three times.”“Sorry, I was just thinking.”1“Okay.” He sounded unsure. “You ready to go?” I wanted to say no. I wanted to tellhim I wanted to stay home. How was I was so ready to go home earlier but now Ididn’t want to take a step out of my parents’ house?1
“Yeah, let me just get my bag.” I went to my room. Hamza followed me.“What’s wro-““Will everyone stop asking me that?” I snapped“Will you stop acting like that then?”“Like what?”“All moody and distant.” I shoved past Hamza, back to Yusuf. He was already at thedoor, talking to my dad. I quickly ran to my mum and gave her a big hug before I left.I wanted her to come with me. This situation was too serious to deal with alone.Hugging her, I wished I could go back in time. I wished I could be that lazy Safia whodidn’t have any responsibilities. I wished I was that Safia before Yusuf came into mylife. I forced myself away from my mother’s unconditional love and warmth. It wastime to go.11I had been silently staring outside the window for a few minutes in the car.“Speak.” Yusuf said. My shyness had long faded and I was becoming very confidentaround him. I was always talking to him about one thing or another. My quietbehavior was most likely very unusual to him.“Aren’t you glad I’ve shut up for once?” I asked.“Glad? Not at all. I’m actually worried sick.” I let out a sigh and leaned my head backon the seat. “Ramadan’s just around the corner. Do you want to go Morocco beforeor after?” Yusuf asked after a while.6“Don’t know.” I mumbled. Yusuf’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. Myunresponsive attitude must have started annoying him. A part of me wanted to pushhim to become angrier, just to see if what Amy said was true. But that was wrong.As a Muslim, we should try to keep peace amongst ourselves. That was why I triedmy best to communicate. “After Ramadan.” I replied.2
“Okay.” I didn’t even want to go anywhere anymore. This new information felt liketoo much for my brain to handle. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Nothingout of the ordinary happened to me. I was living a simple average life. I just wantedto wake up from the nightmare. I wanted to wake up and find that Yusuf was alwaysa good, happy and humble person. I wanted to see his mum greet me warmly witha smile, telling me she’s sorry for ever hurting my feelings. I wanted Amy to tell methat man who put her into a state of depression wasn’t Javed. But that wasn’t tobe. Real life was unpredictable and cruel.6We got home in an awkward silence. It was a relief to see Maryam. She was the onlyuntainted one in the family. She was innocent and full of a positive energy. I wantedto take her away from this house, from these people. I wondered if Yusuf would letMaryam come with us when we moved.6Aunt Jerry was probably sleeping in her room as usual. I was grateful; I didn’t wantto see her. Maryam and I prepared dinner after praying together. I was glad Maryamwas with me. It eased my tension and helped me focus on my salaah (prayer) better.Yusuf was cutting the salad while Maryam and I hovered over the stove. I could tellYusuf was in a bad mood because of our car journey. He was cutting the saladfiercely. Maryam noticed it too. She dropped what she was doing and told Yusuf tofollow her out of the room. Maryam was nearly sixteen, less than a year youngerthan my sister Zayna. But she was so mature. I hoped nothing would change thefriendship between us.3I had to fight every temptation to stop myself from eavesdropping on theirconversation. I busied myself by finishing the salad, afraid Yusuf might hurt himselfif he carried on. I was washing my hands when Yusuf came back, without Maryam.He put his arms around me, resting his lips on my forehead. I lightly pushed him offme and wiped my hands on the towel behind me.5“Safia, I’m sorry-“ I put my arms around his waist.“I just moved back to dry my hands.” I said and I could feel his relief. He hugged meback tightly. I could feel all my problems and worries temporarily disappear. It wasso calm and peaceful, standing there with my head against Yusuf’s shoulder. Iwanted to stay like that, but of course we couldn’t. We heard footsteps comingtowards the kitchen and broke apart. It was Aunt Jerry.6“Safia, could you bring me my dinner please.”4
“I’ll do it.” Yusuf prepared a plate and went to give it to his mum. I stayed rooted onthe spot, overwhelmed by my sudden hatred. I’d never really truly hated anyone.My loyalty to the ones I loved caused me to dislike many people, but it was never sosevere. I thought of how Amy must have felt being shouted at and ridiculed byMuslims in front of her non-Muslim father. How this caused her own father, the manwho used to spend hours playing and telling her stories, to no longer stand the sightof her. I remember how happy Amy was when her father accepted her as a Muslim.For the first time, Amy cried in happiness. Her father meant the world to her andnow that bond was broken, along with Amy’s heart. All because of Aunt Jerry andJaved.10It was hard to pretend to smile for the rest of the evening. It became unbearablewhen Javed arrived. I wanted to claw off his so called ‘handsome’ face. I dug my nailsinto my palms, continuing with my forced smiling.12I was tired of my act by the time Yusuf and I got to our room. But I was still holdingback many emotions. I wanted to cry and scream but I couldn’t. I had to keeppretending everything was fine for Yusuf. He knew me very well though, a lot betterthan I knew him. He knew something was wrong but instead of asking me, hecuddled me. He had the power of making my problems fade. I put my arms aroundhis shoulders, hoping he wouldn’t let go.Not long after, Yusuf was fast asleep. No matter what Yusuf was like before, he wasa good man now. I will survive with this family, I told myself, I will survive for Yusuf.But was it really going to be that easy?“Oh Allah, help me!” I whispered before falling asleep with Yusuf’s arm tucked undermy head.
Chapter 29.Yusuf’s POVEvery time my arthritis would flare up, I felt ashamed. I was sceptic of Safia’scomforting words because they were only words of comfort. Nobody ever meantthem. I was sure Safia didn’t either. I didn’t doubt she loved me, but I felt like shewas disappointed in me. I could never live up to anyone’s expectations.17On the days I would be limping, I’d apologize to Safia only to have her tell me off forapologizing. She said I didn’t need to but I felt I had to, especially at those timeswhen I had to hold her to move around. I brought myself a cane to use at home butI hated the sight of it. I imagined how I looked in the eyes of Safia walking with that. 2I felt it was my fault Safia was now changing. She wasn’t as crazy and happy as shewas when we first got married. When we found out about my arthritis, Safia was sohelpful and was always trying to cheer me up. Now it as like she was fed up of me.She was quieter and she often got lost in her thoughts. Sometimes she wouldn't hearme when I spoke to her or called her name. Although I felt like I was the cause forthis, it was now me trying to cheer her up. I wanted to somehow prove that I wasgood enough for her.15A few days before Ramadan, Safia, Maryam and I were playing Snakes and Ladders.It was my first Ramadan with Safia and I couldn't wait. I was mentally counting downthe days, daydreaming about the long peaceful Taraweeh prayers. I thought of howSafia's delicious food was going to be even more rewarding at Iftar (breaking of fastat dusk). 5We were sitting on the floor cross legged, with my knee resting against Safia's thigh.Talking about Ramadan made Safia happy. She was being her normal delightful selfas we sat there playing until Javed came home. It was the weekend and he was outto see a friend. It was clear by Safia's behaviour that she was annoyed when he camehome. At first I understood she didn't like being around him because he wasn't hermahram, but now I thought she was being silly. He wasn't that bad. Other thanSafia's first day here, Javed hadn't said or done anything bad to her. Surely Safiadidn't keep grudges for that long.8\"I'm going upstairs. I'm not feeling well.\" Safia said after Javed came into the room.She got up and left. Maryam stood up to follow her.\"You stay, I'll go.\" I said to her.
\"She's got you wrapped around her little finger.\" Javed chuckled.9\"You're probably right.\" I answered.1I went to our room to see Safia sitting on the bed flicking through a book. I took thebook out of her hand and put my head on her lap.\"Hi.\" I said.1\"Hi.\" She put her hand on my head and I closed my eyes.\"Why don't you like Javed?\" I expected her to deny it but she remained quiet. \"Safi?\"My eyes were still closed but I could feel Safia’s hesitation.\"So, you know Amy?\" Safia asked like I did know her but I was hiding it.1\"Your friend Amy? What has she got to do with this?\"\"Remember when I told you about Amy’s ex fiancé?\"\"Yes...?\"\"Yeah well, my friend Amy is that same Amy who was going to marry Javed.\"\"What?\" My eyes flew wide open. \"What do you mean?\"2\"The man who messed up Amy's life was your brother.\" I sat up in shock.“That can’t be right; I don’t even know an Amy.”\"You don’t know?\" She asked looking confused by my reaction.\"No. I don't know, I think.” I went mentally went through the list of women Iremembered from Javed’s past. “Javed's been with quite a few girls, I don't reallyremember their names. Are you sure it’s the same Amy?\" I thought back to a timewhen Javed thought he found the one. He even brought her home. I rememberedseeing a girl in a hijab, hoping she would fix Javed. Maybe that was Amy. It couldn'tbe the same Amy though. It had to be a misunderstanding! It was too much of acoincidence.1\"I'm sure. She said his name was Javed Suleiman and had a brother called Yusuf.\"
\"No it can’t be him. I know Javed. Yes he can be a bit mean but he wouldn't do whatyou said Amy's fiancé did to her. He would never bite someone.\" I said recalling allthe stories Safia told me about Amy and her fiancé. 2\"That biting story isn't how I told you it. Amy told me what really happened and thatwasn't entirely Javed's fault. He did start the argument though. He accused Amy forhaving a thing for you.\"\"He what?\" I asked sitting up. \"That can't be true. I can't even remember whatJaved’s Amy looks like. I don't think I've ever properly met her. I don't even knowanything about her except she was one of the girls Javed was with. You’re mistaken;her fiancé was not my brother Javed.\"“Do you know any other woman called Juweria who is married to a Suleiman andhas two sons called Javed and Yusuf?” That sounded very unlikely. But it couldn’t betrue. Javed was bad, but not that bad.“Javed alone couldn’t drive a girl to leave the country. She obviously didn’t tell youeverything.” I felt defensive of Javed. We had sibling rivalry and I grew up fightingwith him every chance I got. But he was my brother, I had to defend him.\"Yusuf,\" Safia opened her mouth to tell me something but then closed it again. Therewas more to the story, I knew it. She had to tell me. I rubbed my face with my handsand sat across Safia, preparing to hear the whole story. I was going to get it out ofher.\"Tell me everything.\"\"I can't.\"\"You can! Tell me.\"\"Don't you know?\"\"Clearly I don't.\"\"This was going on in your household, how can you not know?\" I looked downembarrassed by the truth. I was different now, so my past didn't matter so muchanymore but I didn’t want to tell Safia about it. I didn’t want her view of me tochange negatively. But I had no choice. I had to confess.
\"Well, at that time I didn't get on with anyone but Maryam. My mum always wantedme to be more like Javed and that always made me angry. For that reason, I didn'tget on with mum or Javed. I was angry at my dad for never standing up to mum forthe injustice so I didn't get on well with him either. I didn't like being at home. I usedto be out all day every day. I only ever came home to see how Maryam was doing.And those times during the day when I was home, if I came across Javed there wouldbe a fight. I guess I was jealous of him. Anything he would say or do would make meangry. Anyway, I didn't know anything that went on at home unless Maryam toldme. And she never liked speaking about Javed's girls.\" Safia listened intently andthen cleared her throat to tell me the whole story.\"It wasn't only Javed. Your mum played a huge part in messing up Amy's life.\"\"My mum?\" I asked. \"No, that's definitely a lie.\" I shook my head. 1\"It’s because of her that Amy's dad doesn't speak to her anymore.\"\"Okay, the Javed part I can believe but my mum? No way. My mum, no matter whatshe does, isn't capable of that.\"\"Yusuf, Amy wouldn't lie.\"\"What did she say my mum did?\"\"I'll tell you everything Amy told me. Don't interrupt me, okay?\" So that's what Safiadid. She told me the story and I gripped the duvet under me tightly to stop myselffrom speaking up.\"So then, a few days later, Amy packed her things and moved to Germany where hersister lived.\" There was a pause indicating that she had finished.\"So that's what she told you.\"\"Yes, that's what she told me and that's what happened.\"\"You believe her?\" I didn't, I couldn't. My mum wouldn't do this.1\"Yes, I believe her. And for nearly a month now, I've been living with it. I've beentrying my best to not let it affect me. From what I've seen, your mum is completelycapable of doing what she did.\" I wondered if this was the reason for the change isSafia’s behavior, not my arthritis. But when I understood what Safia was sayingagainst my mother, I started feeling annoyed.3
\"What do you mean my mum's capable of doing that?\"\"Do you not see the way she talks to me? It’s so patronising. And she always has tomake some sly remark about one thing or another.\" I felt my frustration. For the lasttwo years, whenever I experienced this emotion, I'd close my eyes and recite someprayers to calm myself down. I should have done that.\"What? No! That's all in your head!\" I should have walked away. I should have drunksome water and calmed myself down. But I didn't. It was as if Shaytan was playinghis last few tricks before he was locked up for the month of Ramadan. I gave in tothe thrill of anger coursing through my veins. I let it take over me.14\"It’s not in my head Yusuf, it’s the truth.\"2\"Truth? What do you know about truth? You lie to yourself all the time. Whathappened to 'not wanting to see flaws in people?' You're heavily mistaken about mymum Safia.\" The tone of my voice was harsh. Safia's mouth hung open, surprised bywhat I was saying.7\"I lie to myself? Fine I do but I do it for the best so you just proved my point! Thesearen't just little flaws in your mum, it’s her. It’s the way she is. I can’t even lie tomyself and convince myself that she's a nice good person.\" With every second thatpassed, my anger grew.4\"Well then you’re a fool. Amy lied to you and you just believe her because it’s easierto believe someone you love than admit they are the ones lying to you!\"8\"No, you're the one doing the lying. You’re denying the clear truth in front of you!How can you not see the way your mum is-\"\"Not another word about my mother.\" I said in a low growl. Safia stopped talking. Aflicker of fear crossed her face but it soon went and she spoke up.9\"I know it’s hard for you to get it into your head but what Amy said is whathappened! And your mum is not a nice person. And Javed, don't even get me startedon him!\"5\"So you think my family is so bad? What about yours?” I felt the need to attack herfamily in order to defend mine. “They're probably worse! Look at Aisha, dumpingher children on anyone every chance she gets. You think she had nothing to do withthe reason why Tariq no longer speaks to his family?”43
“That had nothing to do with her! Even if it did, that’s nothing compared to the wayyour mum treats me. She thinks I’m sort of slave!”“You want to talk about slavery? What about the men in your family, the way theytake advantage of the women. I don’t think any of them have even poured a glass ofwater for themselves! They’re the ones that treat their women like slaves!\"11“Shut up! Don't you dare say anything else about my family!\" Safia screamed at me,her fists curled tightly as she slammed it against the bed. I was shocked; I didn't knowSafia had this side to her.17\"Oh so I can't pick on your family but you can say anything you want about mine?\"\"Your family ruined a life!\"\"That is a lie!\" I said slowly and clearly although I was unsure of it.\"You're just like your dad! You can't handle the truth so you deny it!\"\"I'm nothing like him!\" I got up from my seat, my body shaking with anger. I pickedup the lamp on my bedside drawer and threw it across the room. 96\"You are! Why can't you see what's in front of you? I know it’s hard but that's theway life is.\"\"You know nothing about life! You're naïve, cushioned by the billion people in yourfamily. You live in a bubble, you know nothing about hardship!\" Safia looked hurt. Icould see her blinking away tears. For a moment my heart softened, I felt a bit ofguilt. But that faded as soon as Safia spoke.3\"At least my family care about me! Your family barely talk to you. You said yourselfyour mum is disappointed with the person you are.\" She went too far.64\"Go home.\"53\"What?\"\"Pack your things and go home to you caring family.\" I said sarcastically. Now, tearsfell out of Safia's eyes but my heart had hardened at the mention of my mother’sdisappointment. 'Go on, GO!\"16
\"Gladly! I don't even want to stay with you and your stupid limpanyway!\" Whenanyone else said anything about my arthritis, I didn't mind. But the words comingfrom Safia's mouth felt like someone had stabbed me in my heart and had twistedthe knife. She never admitted it, but I always knew she was embarrassed of me.What girl in her right mind would want to be with a man who couldn't even walkproperly? I took a few slow steps backwards towards the door, then I stormed away.Away from her, away from that room, away from that house, away from everyone.
Chapter 30.Safia’s POVAs soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it. I wanted to take them back, un-say them. But I couldn't, there was no going back. The disbelief and pain on Yusuf'sface showed the damage was done. 19I wanted to say something but words wouldn't form. I was frozen from the shock atmy own behaviour. Never had I ever thought I would be able to say anything likethat to anyone, least of all to Yusuf. It was only after Yusuf left that I managed towhisper,\"I'm sorry.\" A fresh set of tears fell from my eyes. 4Go home.3The words swirled in my mind. Did he really want me to go? Of course he did. Afterwhat I said, why would he even want me to stay? Even if he didn't mean it then, heprobably did now. How could I be so stupid? How could I have said that about hisarthritis? I put my pillow into my lap and sobbed into it.\"I heard it all.\" Maryam said coming into the room. I looked up from my pillow to seeher wiping away a tear.2\"I didn't mean it.\"\"How could you say that to him? You know how he feels about his ankle… Andmum.\"1\"I didn't mean any of it. I was angry.\"2\"I don't know if he'll believe you. You mentioned the two things he's most paranoidabout.\" Maryam was right. I knew that.\"What can I do?\" I asked in a pleading tone.
\"Go home I guess.\" I didn't expect Maryam to say that. Weren't they all saying thiswas now my home? I'd been trying so hard to adjust, but now both she and Yusuf soeasily made me feel like I wasn't part of this household. They told me I was familybut now they spoke like I was an 'other.' My guilt ridden heart was tearing further.\"Yusuf needs some time. Maybe its best you leave him for a little while.\" Maryamsaid this like she was helping me. But when I looked into her eyes, there was nowarmth or sympathy. There was no emotion at all. I not only ruined my relationshipwith Yusuf, but with Maryam too. I felt a sick knot in my stomach.16\"Did he mean it?\" I asked, hoping that she'd comfort me. \"Does he really want meto go?\" I became very afraid.\"I don't know. But I think you should go before he comes back.\" Maryam wanted megone as soon as possible. Yusuf probably wanted the same. I dragged myself off thebed and fell to my knees to pull the suitcase out from under the bed. Maryam leftthe room and I let myself cry some more until I was too drained to cry any further.Then I filled the suitcase with a few clothes. I didn't know how long I would be at myparents’ house. What if Yusuf never wanted me back? The thought was too painfulso I shut my eyes, trying to think of something else. 1I had closed the suitcase and took a few deep breaths before looking at the mirrorto fix my hijab. I stared at the reflection. My eyes were red and puffy with dark circlesunder them. If I went home like this, everyone would ask me what was wrong. I don'tthink I had enough strength to repeat what had happened. I went to the bathroomand washed my face with cold water.Then I put some kohl (powdery eyeliner) on to make myself look less dreadful. I hadto go home and pretend everything was fine.I dragged the suitcase down the stairs. I could hear Yusuf's mum in the living roomsaying,\"I knew this was going to happen. Didn't I tell Yusuf she wouldn't be able to keephim happy? What was he thinking? At least have a nice personality if not a nice face.She doesn't have either.\" Although she shouldn't have been talking about me in myabsence, she was right. And did I not talk about her in such a bad manner in herabsence? I walked out of the house feeling miserable and broken. I deserved everybit of this.53
I took the bus and reached home in half an hour. It felt a lot longer. The nearer I got,the more I wanted to be in my mother's arms. The whole way I kept telling myselfto act normal. I practiced my fake smile by smiling to friendly looking strangers. Itwas extremely difficult and it took a lot of energy. When I got home, the little wall Ihad built to block my emotions, threatened to crack. But I had to be strong. The lastthing I wanted was for dad, Uncle Yahya and Hamza to go knocking on Yusuf's door.No matter how much I explained to them everything was my fault, they would surelygive Yusuf a piece of their mind for telling me to go home.2I opened the door and stepped into the house. Amaan was the first to see me.\"Safia? What are you doing here?\" He asked excited. \"Mum! Safia's here.\" Mumcame from the living room.\"Safia! Asalamu’alaykum.\" She said holding her arms out.“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” I whispered, afraid of my voice cracking. I gave her a hug, alump forming in my throat. But even if I wanted to cry, I couldn't. I had cried all mytears already.4\"Safia, what happened?\" My mum asked concerned when she saw my suitcase.\"Yusuf said I could come home for a while. I missed you guys.\" I said. I wonderedwhether it would count as a lie although Yusuf did tell me to go and I did miss mymum. I put on a big smile to look convincing.“Hamza! Come and take Safia’s suitcase to her room!”“Mum, I’m not a guest! I can do it myself.” Now was not the time for mum to beextra nice to me. I wanted to feel like I was at home. But I don’t think my mum sawit in that way. I was a guest. I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong anywhere.5“Why do you have a suitcase?” Hamza asked coming down the stairs.“Aslamu’alaykum. Can I not stay with my mum for a few days?” I asked putting anarm around mum. Hamza paused narrowing his eyes slightly. He was still trying towork out what was wrong. He stopped talking to me for two weeks because I wasapparently ‘rude’ to him on the day Amy came. I apologized and things went back tonormal but he was trying his best to get me to tell him why I was upset.1
To get through the evening, I distracted myself in any way I could. I was gratefulHafsa didn’t come to see me. Hamza alone was too much for me to deal with. Hafsa,Hamza and Amy were the three people who could see right through me. Them, andYusuf. I quickly dismissed the thought of him. But he was always there, lingering inthe back of my mind.1The day was coming to an end. I felt relieved at first; glad I could get away fromeveryone. But as soon as I was alone, it felt like a huge rock had been placed on mychest. I got out of my room to see Hamza and Amaan were still up, playing the Wiiin Amaan’s room. Maryam and I played a lot of Wii. The thought of Maryam causeda whole different kind of pain.1I took a few deep breaths and stared at the walls, taking in the pattern. I focused onthe cream and maroon colours and imagined how the pattern would look if it was abright green. It stopped me from thinking about Yusuf and Maryam. Then I went intoHamza and Amaan’s room. I sat down behind them and watched them play.You know nothing about hardships.Every problem that I had ever faced usually wore off after I watched some TV orplayed a game. I realized I really didn’t know anything about hardships until thatmoment. For the first time, I had to force laughter on jokes that would usually makeme laugh so naturally. I had to pretend to be interested in whatever was on TV.These were probably the feelings Yusuf must have gone through in his life. Was thiswhat he was going through now? Did he love me enough to feel how I was feeling?A part of me wanted him to be upset without me. But I didn’t want Yusuf to beunhappy. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him smile and laugh. But Ihad caused wounds which couldn’t heal so quickly.7“Earth to Safia!” Hamza said waving his hand in my face. I had to stop zoning out.“Let’s go.”“Where?”“We need to talk.” He was going to question me. I followed him into my room.“Is everything okay between you and Yusuf?” Hamza asked.“Why would you ask that?” I said with a scoff as if he was being ridiculous. As if itwas impossible for anything to be wrong between me and Yusuf.“Safia?”
“Hamza.” I was trying to dodge the question. I didn’t want to lie to him.“Fine, I’ll ask him myself.”“No!” I felt panicked. I couldn’t tell him everything, especially because it involvedAmy. I couldn’t tell him about Amy’s past without her permission.“What happened?” Hamza asked again.“I’ll tell you if you promise you won’t ask Yusuf about it.” Hamza thought for amoment.“Fine.”“Promise?”“Promise.”“Okay. Yusuf and I had a little fight.” I said not looking at him.“What did he say to you?” This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone. They immediatelyassumed Yusuf did something wrong.“It’s not what he said to me, it’s more what I said to him.”“What did you say?”“I told him I didn’t want to stay with him.”“Why?”“Because… Because…” I tried to think of a way of twisting the truth so that I wasn’tlying but Hamza wouldn’t know exactly what happened. “His mum…”“Aunt Juweria?” Hamza looked like he didn’t believe me.“She asked me to do some chores. I complained about it a little to Yusuf and weended up in a fight.”“You had a fight because she asked you to do chores? Safia!” Hamza said my namein annoyance. “You left your house for that?”“Look, things got a little intense. We just need some time to cool off.”
“Well I think you’ve cooled off enough. This is silly, you’re going back tomorrow.”Hamza said sternly.“No! I’m staying.”“Safia, stop being stubborn. You’re a married woman with responsibilities.”10“Just trust me. I know what I’m doing.”“There was more to the fight wasn’t there?” He asked. I nodded. Hamza had aworried expression which I rarely saw on him. “And you’re not going to tell me areyou?”“I can’t. Just pretend everything is okay with me. Keep this between us. I’ll tell youeverything when it gets better.” If it gets better, I wanted to add.“Has this got something to do with why you’ve been like this for the past month?”“Yeah, things were just building up and I exploded.” I thought Hamza was going totell me off. Instead, he nodded understandingly. He patted me on the shoulder.8“Allah has a plan for you Safia.” He said and then left to go to his room.1I climbed into bed and the expected feeling of loneliness took over. I began to yearnfor Yusuf, his voice, his presence, his body which I developed a habit of snugglingnext to. I hugged my blanket and closed my eyes but it was hours before sleep finallycame. I knew Allah had a plan for me. I prayed that Yusuf was part of that plan, butonly Allah knew best.16--Author's note:Hello/Salaam lovely people! Everyone seems a little taken aback by the suddenchange in the story. Some people don't like it, oh well. I hope most of you are enjoyingit. I am! Let's be serious, wouldn't this story have been boring if it was like, 'and thenthey stayed happy forever and ever.' 117Thank you all sooo much for your support. Your comments are the best part of myday! :)
Chapter 31.Yusuf’s POVI walked to the local park and sat on the bench as I used to do when I wanted toescape from home. I was thinking about Safia, the things she said to me and what Isaid to her. I became unaware of my surroundings. I don’t know how long I had beensitting there when I heard ‘Allahuakbar’ (Allah is greater) from my phone meaning itwas time for Maghrib. I hadn’t noticed the sun was going down. I made my way tothe masjid with some anger still burning inside of me. I kept thinking about whatSafia said. I was more angry at myself than her. How foolish was I to think that I couldlive up to her standards, or anyone’s standards. As for my family, I still didn’t knowwhat to think about them.13I stood in the rows of people and followed the imam in prayer. I felt a lot better afterthat. When all the people left after Salaah, I stayed behind to read some Qur’an forpeace. I finished a chapter and put it back up on the shelf. Then I sat there trying toclear my mind.It was after Isha salaah when I left the masjid to come home. My ankle was beginningto hurt again and I felt really annoyed at it. But I didn’t care, with every step I waswalking faster and faster. I had to see Safia. I had to talk to her.23When I got inside, I went into the living room. Everyone was there except Safia. Iwent up to my room. Safia wasn’t there either. The bathroom door was open, shewasn’t there. She wasn’t in Maryam’s room. I even checked my mum and dad’sroom. The kitchen! She must have been there, I hoped. I went down, past the livingroom into the kitchen. She wasn’t there. I went to the front room where we rarelyever sat, as a last attempt of finding her. There was no sign of her. I stood by thestairs.7“Safia!” I called out, feeling frightened.3“She’s gone home.” My mum told me. I felt my heart sink.“What do you mean? This is her home.” This couldn’t be happening.“You told her to go home.” Maryam said alarmed.“I didn’t mean it. I only said it to make a point.” I said it to hurt her, not because Ireally wanted her to go.3
“But she’s gone now.” My mum said.“She left? Didn’t you try to stop her?” I asked mum. She shrugged her shoulders.“Why not? Maryam, didn’t you try?” Maryam looked away and it seemed like shewas almost guilty. “So she just walked out of here and none of you tried to stopher?”13“You were the one who told her to go home.” Now Javed spoke and I started feelingmy temper rise again.“I didn’t mean it!” I said through gritted teeth.“Well how was she supposed to know?” Sensing what was to come, my dad got upand walked passed me, out of the room.8“I don’t know. Why didn’t you guys stop her?” I asked dropping into the sofa withmy head in my hands.“Are you seriously blaming us? Dude, this was all your doing.” Javed smirked. I tookoff the hat I was wearing and ferociously ran my hand through my hair infrustration.13“Would you like dinner Yusuf?” Mum asked. I looked at mum as if she had gone mad.“Yeah, you’ve got to build yourself up. How else are you going to find another girl?”Javed said.7“Another girl? I’m not like you going from one girl onto the next. There’s only onegirl for me, and that’s Safia.”9“And what a great job you did with her.” My hand shook with the overwhelmingdesire to slap that smile off his face.8“Who the hell do you think you are? You know nothing about what happenedbetween me and Safia.”8“Hey, I’m just pointing out the facts to you. Not my fault you can’t handle it.”“Just stay out of my business!”“Not this again.” Maryam said covering her ears.“I pay for more than half the bills in this house. Anything that happens here is mybusiness.” He looked at me challengingly.6
“If it’s your business then why couldn’t you make the slightest effort to make Safiafeel welcome here?” Javed raised an eyebrow.“Being all religious and what not, I thought you wouldn’t want me talking to her.”4“So you couldn’t even say a salaam to her? She cooked and cleaned for this houseand you couldn’t say a thank you?” That wiped that stupid smirk off his face.6“Does it matter? She’s gone now.”“So I’ll get her back!”“Are you sure she’ll want to come back?” I got up from my seat.“Yes, she will come back.”2“You sure?” Javed said again. The doubts in my mind grew bigger. He was playinggames with me.“Shut up!” I shouted and Maryam jumped in front of me.“This is ridiculous! Earlier in the day you lost Safia exactly because of this! Controlyourself!” Maryam yelled at me.“Of course. I’m the one in the wrong again. As always, he gets away with anything!”My mum was looking down at her hands, showing she didn’t want any part in this.4“Do you realize what a child you sound like?” Maryam said. I didn’t care. Javed wasdeliberately provoking me and it was working. “Let’s go upstairs.” Maryam pushedme towards the door. I glared at Javed as I walked out and stomped up the stairs,ignoring the shooting pain in my ankle.When I got up to my room, I opened Safia’s side of the wardrobe.“What are you doing?” Maryam asked.“Checking whether she took her clothes with her. I’m really hoping she’s only gonehome to make a statement, not to actually stay there.” I took out the empty hangers.She wasn’t gone just to prove a point to me. I threw the hangers on the bed andslammed the wardrobe shut. Maryam sighed and pulled back my bedside drawer. Istood confused. Then with all her might, she pulled the bed back.“Look.” She said pointing. Then I understood. I walked around the bed to take a look.There it was, that dent in the wall.
“You say it could have been something else, but I’m completely convinced, that’sthe cause.” My bed used to be on the other side but I moved it against this wall tocover the dent. It happened a few years ago when I was in a fit of rage after a heatedargument with Javed. I kicked the wall in anger. “Your inability to control your angeris what injured your ankle and caused your arthritis.” I sat on the corner of my bed.22“I messed up.” I said feeling distraught.“You did. What happened today? You haven’t been like that for around two years?”I used the month of Ramadan two years ago to reform myself, to be able to controlthis fury. An ustadh (teacher) of mine helped me a lot. Since then, I felt calmer andmore peaceful. I had been trying to fix the broken relations with my family. It wassomewhat working until I just blew up.7“I messed up so bad.” I put my head in my hands again. “What should I do?”“I’m not sure. Maybe you should let her cool off and then try to talk to her?”8“Will she forgive me?” I asked. “I insulted her family when they had nothing to dowith the conversation.”5“To be fair, she said some harsh things to you too.” Maryam didn’t have to pointthat out to me. I remembered what she said, how she said it, the little shake in hervoice and the tears.11“It’s not like I didn’t deserve them. I’m such an idiot.”1“Could you stop degrading yourself? You made a mistake but so did she. For whatit’s worth, she said she didn’t mean what she said.”2“Of course she’s going to say that. She’s Safia. She probably did mean it though. No,I know she meant it. Think about it Maryam, I’m just a burden on her. What has shegotten out of marrying me? She left her home for what? The only thing I’ve everdone for her is take her on one trip to Turkey and even that I ruined. We spent halfthe days cooped up in that hotel room because I couldn’t walk. She deserves somuch better.”4“I don’t know what your relationship is like but it seems like she was happy enoughuntil about a month ago. How did this all start anyway?”“How much of the argument did you hear?”
“I came upstairs and heard you two saying something about slavery.” Seeing theconfusion on my face, Maryam continued. “I assume the argument was about theway mum treats her, right?” I thought about telling her. As mature as Maryam was,she was only 15. She was too young to hear about this.7“You continue assuming that.”“What happened? What’s the real reason? What happened a month ago?”“It’s nothing concerning you.” I got up from where I was sitting and pushed the bedback in place.“Just tell me, please.” Maryam pleaded.“Do you know someone called Amy?” I asked hoping she could clarify some of thissituation for me. Maryam thought about it and then frowned.“Sounds familiar. Am I supposed to know her?”“I know you hate talking about it but she was one of Javed’s girls. He apparentlypromised her marriage. She also happens to be Safia’s best friend.” I wasn’t going tomention what Safia told me about mum or how Javed treated Amy.“Yes, I remember Amy.” Maryam’s eyes widened. “She was that girl who Javedbrought home to see mum. I was upstairs that day because you were shouting atJaved for telling you to leave before she came. She’s one of the girls he actuallyconsidered marrying. I don’t know what happened after that.”“Neither do I. The point is, something happened and Safia was very unhappy aboutit.”2“That’s understandable but that was between Javed and Amy. Why was she upsetabout it for so long and why did she let it come between you two? Why did you letit come between you two? How did that lead onto everything else you were arguingabout?” I wasn’t going to tell her the rest. At least, not until I knew the whole truth.9“It just did. I guess we both just needed a reason to blow off some steam.” Maryamran out of things to say and stood there uncomfortable. “You can go if you like.”1“Are you sure? Do you want me to bring you some food?” I shook my head.“No, I don’t have an appetite at the moment.” Maryam gave me a sympathetic smileand left, closing the door behind her.
Yusuf must hate me. What was there to even like about me? His mother was soright! I didn’t have good looks; I could at least have a nice personality. I thought I didbut after everything I said to Yusuf, I realized I didn’t. I was a horrible person. Whywould he forgive me? He could do so much better! He could easily get a girl likeAmy. I wish I could be more like Amy. She was beautiful! She had dark brown hair,even though it was dyed, which looked beautiful against her tanned skin. And shehad dark grey eyes surrounded by thick long lashes. I wanted to be like her! Or likeHafsa. I knew if Yusuf had seen Hafsa before me, he would have asked to marryher.22I heard a knock on my door. I looked at the time. It must be mum. I told her I wasgoing to come downstairs half an hour ago.“Come in.” I said sitting up. Hamza came in.“I told mum everything you told me. She’s going to have a word with Aunt Jerrytoday.”2“What? No! No no no no no!” I leaped out of my bed and ran to mum.“Do not call Aunt Jerry, please mummy please!”“Safia, you’ve got to face your problems not run away from them.”“Mum, you don’t know the full story. Just wait a couple of days. Don’t do anything Ibeg of you.” I couldn’t tell mum the real reason why I invited Amy yet. Amy wasdeeply involved in this mess. I needed to talk to her before I did anything else. Mymum sighed in defeat.1“Fine but you have two days or I’m phoning Juweria.” I nodded and walked away.That evening, after I prayed Maghrib, Amaan came into my room.“It’s Ramadan!” He said jumping on my back as I sat there on my prayer mat. In fourdays, I finally smiled a real, heartfelt smile.“Get off me fatty, you’re heavy.” I said to him.“It’s not fat, it’s muscle.” He tensed his arm to show me. I laughed and playfullyshoved him before I darted out the door with him chasing me.5
“Hafsa! Faiza! Samiya!” I said to all three of my cousins who were sitting in the livingroom. They all got up and we had a big group hug. Uncle Yahya cleared his throat todeclare his presence.“Oh, Asalamu’alaykum.”“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” Then aunty Asma cleared her throat. I went and sat next toher and gave her a sideward cuddle.3“Asalamu’alaykum.”“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” The feeling of Ramadan made my earlier depression subside.All I could think about now was praying Taraweeh with the girls in my family. Therewas only Aisha and the kids missing now.6Soon, they arrived too. Zidan was actually walking now. He came over to me and Ipicked him up and covered him in kisses making him laugh. Then I hugged and kissedMusa. When it was Sara’s turn, she gave me a hug then asked,1“Where’s uncle Yusuf?” That was how easily my happiness vanished.“He’s at home.”“Why? Can you phone him and tell him to come here?” I looked over at Hamza,hoping he’d help me with this situation. He saw me looking at him and understood.1“Hey Sara, come and see this new game on my phone.” He said and took her away.Hafsa motioned for me to come upstairs with her. It was her turn to question meagain. She had tried a couple of days earlier with no success. I wanted to bang myhead against a wall. It was becoming really annoying now. Couldn’t everyone justaccept that I didn’t want to talk about it? While standing in the middle of the room,I said out loud.“No one else ask me why I am here on the first day of Ramadan and not with Yusuf.I want to be here and you all just have to deal with it.” Someone made a sound tospeak. “I mean no one ask me anything. Please.” Half the people in the room lookedconfused.“Just let her be.” Mum said. Hafsa looked hurt and angry as she came back and satdown.I think this situation did not only ruin my relationship with Yusuf and Maryam, but itwas affecting my relationship with everyone at home.
An hour before iftar the next day, Amy came. I took her into my room and sawHamza turn slightly red when he saw her on the stairs. I had to ask him about thatlater.16“Amy!” I said hugging her as she came in. “Everything’s going wrong!”“You said you needed to speak about something important. What is it?” We bothsat down cross legged on the bed facing each other.“I told Yusuf everything. I couldn’t keep it in. I’m sorry.”“It was bound to happen. It’s okay. What did he say?” Then I told her everything.Every word we said to each other. By the time I finished, I was lying down, tooemotionally exhausted to be sitting up.“How will I ever make it up to him? I love him so much but I think he doesn’t wantto be with me anymore. He sent me home and hasn’t even texted me since. What ifhe wants to… you know… divorce?” I whispered feeling my heart break for themillionth time in these few days. “How will I cope without him?”4“You don’t know that. You have to talk to him. I’m sure he does want you, he wasjust angry.”“You should have seen that look on his face Amy. I hurt him so bad. If I were him, I’dfind it hard to forgive me.”“I feel like this is my fault. It’s my stupid sins that have got you into this mess.”2“Don’t start with that. We both know well that it’s mine and Yusuf’s fault that wefought. We could have been more civilized and talked about it calmly.”“You should talk to Yusuf. That was your home; he had no right to tell you to comehere. You should go back” Amy said but the line sounded rehearsed, like it was justa meaningless sentence to point out the obvious to me.“That’s the thing. I want to be with Yusuf but I can’t go back. I’ve come to hate thatplace. Seeing Aunt Jerry and Javed every single day is not a nice sight.”2“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I just wish Yusuf gives me at least a text telling me what’s on his mind.I would go back to that place for him though. It would be worth it to be by Yusuf butI feel like I can’t be happy like I used to be.” Nothing would be the same. Even withYusuf by my side, I couldn’t block out how his mother felt towards me. Her dislikefor me was clear and I wasn’t a person who could so easily ignore it. Nor could Iignore the dislike I felt towards her no matter how much I masked it.10“So you hope he does call you back?”9“Even if he does, there’s something that’s eating away inside of me. I don’t want toadmit it because it feels like if I say it out loud, it might become true.”“Just say it Safia.” I closed my eyes to tell her.“I read somewhere that if a man tells his wife to go home three times with the intentof divorce, it’s actually a divorce.”46“What? I’ve never heard that before! Do you think he meant it with that intention?”“I don’t know. What if he did?” My heart ached too much to cry. “I’m a divorcedwoman.”“I’m sure he didn’t mean it in that way. I think.” There was a pause as we boththought about this. “Safia… Have you consummated your marriage?”34“What sort of question is that to ask right now? Yes, in the first week.”64“Really? That was fast.” I glared at her. Did she not understand my pain? “I was justasking because if you are divorced, then it’ll be harder to remarry.”4“Amy! How could you say that? I can’t even think of another man besides Yusuf andyou’re saying this to me? You know what? Maybe Yusuf was right! Maybeyou are lying!” Amy looked scared for a moment.21“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Okay, I wasn’t thinking, I was beinginconsiderate. I’m sorry.” I knew she felt guilty because of the tears in her eyes. “Iwish I was lying Safia. It pains me to see you like this. But I hate that family and you’remarried into it. I want better for you!”8“But I cannot live without Yusuf!”“I once thought like that about Javed.” Now I understood that Amy didn’t want meto be with Yusuf. She really thought the whole family was corrupt.5
“Hold on, you think Yusuf’s like Javed? You’re completely wrong! Yusuf’s notanything like Javed. I know that for sure.” Amy put her hands up in surrender.“Okay, you know best.”6“Believe me. Yusuf’s one of the best people I know. He’s so sweet, protective, funnyand he’d make a great father one day in’sha’allah. He’s bonded so well with Sara,she’s always asking about him. He gets on with everyone in the family, everyoneloves him. Yusuf is the perfect man for me Amy. Please don’t say I can do betterbecause I really can’t.” Amy nodded.3“Okay. I believe you.” She said unsurely.“One more thing. Everyone’s asking about what happened between me and Yusuf.Can I tell them the full story?” Amy shook her head at first. “I can’t hide the truth formuch longer and I certainly can’t lie to them. Amy, please can I tell them?” Amy gavea small nod.After iftar, Amy left even though I asked her to stay for Taraweeh prayers. With hergone, I knew what I had to do. We were all sitting in the living room together whenI called mum to come into the dining room so we could talk. I told her everything.Then she went back to the living room and I called Hafsa and Hamza to tell them.When I finished, Hamza’s face was red in anger.14“He told you to leave?”4“I said some pretty bad things too.”“But he kicked you out!” Hamza got up and headed towards the living room. Ifollowed him. Everyone looked shocked and upset. Mum must have told them thewhole story.“Dad, we have to go and speak to Yusuf.” Hamza said. Dad got up.“I’m coming with you.” Uncle Yahya also got up.5“No! Please no! Don’t go there!”10“We need to sort this out.” Uncle Yahya had a stern look but he was a bit calmerthan my dad and Hamza. Dad had his fists clenched and Hamza looked like he wasabout to bite someone’s head off.32
“I knew this was going to happen! This is why I didn’t want to tell you!”“Safia, just let us go and sort it out. Okay?” Uncle Yahya said. With that, they exitedthe living room and were about to make their way to Yusuf’s house.
Chapter 33.Yusuf’s POV14The days without Safia were dragging on painfully slow. Every single thing remindedme of her and her absence was always too obvious. Only after she left was I able totruly appreciate all that she used to do for me. Simple things like doing the laundryor ironing my clothes no matter how much I insisted I could do everything on myown.I’d thought about calling her back many times but I just didn’t have the strength. Iwas far too embarrassed and my reasons for wanting her back were too selfish. Ididn’t even know whether she’d come. I had been expecting a text or somethingfrom Hamza but I hadn’t received anything. I didn’t know what was going throughSafia’s mind.I still hadn’t found the courage to speak to my mum either. I had to do that before Ispoke to Safia. What surprised me most was that my mum never even asked whatSafia and I argued about. She was just going on like normal.There was at least one good thing after this incident and that was Ramadan. I hadmade a plan that before I made any decisions or called Safia back, I had to changemy ways. This time it would be for good. I was no longer a young boy driven by angerand finding a thrill in fighting people. Many times I had gotten into trouble at schoolfor losing my temper with fellow students. That died down when I started my Alimcourse alongside my A Levels.8It was when school finished that the trouble at home started. Most of my anger thenbecame directed towards Javed. I saw that he could do whatever he wanted butmum would still love him more. That’s when I started to do things to get mum’sattention. I’d stay out late, usually playing football or doing nothing. I had nevertouched drugs or alcohol, or even girls. I had that much fear of Allah.5I wanted to see a reaction out of my mum. I wanted her to scold me so I knew shecared. I wanted her to stay up waiting for me to come home. Instead, I’d come hometo see Maryam sitting on the stairs waiting for me. I was in the wrong, I couldn’texpect my mum to stay up for me just because others’ mothers did. But she wouldstay up for Javed if he was ever out late. When I once asked her about this, shereplied,13
“I worry Javed might get into trouble. I know you won’t though.” That only mademe want to get into trouble. If it weren’t for my Alim course, all the teachers whotaught me and Maryam, I didn’t know what I would have done with my life.Nonetheless I made some bad choices. I stayed out of my house as much as I couldand when I did come home, everyone was just annoyed at my presence. I was like abomb ready to explode just by one comment from Javed. Of course he got awaywith it because I was the one shouting. I was told to control myself when no one saidanything to him.15I thought I had changed though. I was convinced I had changed. But I hadn’t, not likeI hoped. But this Ramdan, I was going to change. I was determined to. I wouldretreat to the mosque for I’tikaf on the last ten days of Ramadan as I had starteddoing only two years ago. That meant I would have ten whole days to purely focuson Allah. That also meant no trip to Morocco as I would use up all my days off work.But changing myself was far more important than a holiday.11On the first day of Ramadan, I missed Safia even more than before. It felt so wrongto spend my first day of Ramadan as a married man without my wife. I prayed toAllah that something would happen and that she’d come back to me. Later that day,around an hour after iftar, the doorbell rang. I sat in the living room while Javedopened the door and the people were told to sit in the front room.“Your in laws are here.” Javed said coming into the living room. Immediately mychest tightened in anxiety. I went to the front room to see Uncle Dawud, Uncle Yahyaand Hamza sitting there. I said salaam to them and shook their hands. Uncle Dawudand Uncle Yahya looked calm but Hamza wasn’t happy. I could see clear dislike in hisdark brown eyes as they narrowed slightly when seeing me.1“How are you?” Uncle Yahya asked. I sat on the opposite sofa, my head hung low.“Okay Alhamdulillah.” I whispered.“You kicked my sister out of your house and you’re okay?” Hamza asked.95“Hamza, what did we discuss on the way here?” Uncle Dawud said shooting him awarning look. Hamza grinded his teeth and looked the other way.“I didn’t mean it when I said that. I didn’t really want her to leave.” I clarified.“Good. But that’s not all we’re here for. We want you to tell your side of the story.”Uncle Yahya said. I was glad he was being reasonable and not acting on anger like Idid.2
“Do you know about Amy?” I asked. Hamza shifted in his seat hearing her name andI could see the anger disappear for a second. Only a second before it came back andhe glared at me as if I did something wrong.3“Yes, we know about Amy and Javed.” This time Uncle Dawud spoke. That made mefeel uncomfortable. How was I going to talk about this so openly? “Well?”“Er… You know what happened between Amy and Javed. I do believe Javed mighthave done something wrong. Did she say anything about my mother?” I asked,referring to Safia.“Yes, she said your mother made up lies about Amy and shouted them all out in frontof Amy’s dad.” Hamza replied bitterly.“Hamza, just stay quiet.” Uncle Yahya said.1“Yeah.” I said awkwardly. “She told me the whole story, probably what she told youand I said I didn’t believe her. I don’t think my mum’s capable of that. I mean, she’saunty Hajra’s friend.” I said mentioning Safia’s mum to justify my point. “Surely she’dknow my mum’s character.” Uncle Yahya and Uncle Dawud looked at each other.Uncle Yahya raised his eyebrows and Uncle Dawud shrugged. “What did aunty Hajrasay about my mum?” I asked.4“She describes your mum as sweet. She also said she could be a little bossy and sheliked things to go her way. Don’t get me wrong here, we weren’t backbiting. We’reonly trying to understand what is happening. And we’re not attacking your mum.But does this description sound familiar to you?” Uncle Dawud asked. I put my headdown, avoiding their eyes. That was a rather accurate description. Things alwayswent mum’s way, unless Javed intervened and made mum see another way. Likewhen I wanted to marry Safia. Javed used his manipulative skills to makemum want to accept Safia so someone could help her with the housework. But mumnever truly accepted Safia as the amazing person she was. I nodded my head slowly.1“Then that’s settled, you were in the wrong.” Hamza said.13“Hamza, this is your last warning. If you say one more thing, you’re going home.”Uncle Yahya spoke to Hamza as if he were a child. “Safia also told us what she saidto you. We just want you to know that she regrets what she said and she wants toapologize. We also apologize.”6“Will she come back?” I asked, my voice barely audible.
“We don’t know. There’s still this matter which needs clearing. You said Amy waslying. Are you sure?” I was grateful for Uncle Yahya giving me a chance to speak up.I owed him the truth.“I don’t know. I said it then because it was too hard to just believe everything thatwas being said.”“I understand. Would it be okay if you called in Javed and your mother perhaps?” Iwas hoping they wouldn’t say that.4“Is that necessary?” I asked worried.“I’m afraid so.” I should’ve asked mum before about Amy. Now she was going to findout everything from Safia’s family. I did as they asked. I went to the living room andcalled my mum and brother. They looked really confused. Before we went in, I brieflytold them what we were going to discuss.“Mum, Javed, you remember Amy, right?” They both frowned at me. “Well, she’sSafia’s best friend. That’s how this whole thing started. That’s why you’re beingcalled in.” Without saying anything, they went inside. We all squashed on one sofafacing Uncle Yahya and Uncle Dawud. I would have gone and sat next to Hamza buthe looked like he didn’t want to be anywhere near me.3“Do you know why we’re here?” Uncle Yahya asked after they briefly greeted eachother. Both Uncle Yahya and Uncle Dawud’s eyes flicked between Javed and me butnever my mother. It was beautiful how even after so many years of marriage; theireyes remained for their wife only.29“It’s about that girl” Mum said. “Amy.”“Yes, not only that but we’ll get to the rest later. Could you tell us what happenedbetween you and Amy.” Uncle Yahya looked at Javed for an answer.“She was a pretty girl. I thought about marrying her and it didn’t work out.”“Sister,” He said to my mum. “What about you?”“She came around a couple of times. I didn’t find her suitable for Javed. I think myJaved could have done a lot better than her.”“As if.” Hamza said rolling his eyes.5“What do you mean as if?” Javed asked.
“If anything, Amy’s too good for you!” Now I understood what was happening. I thinkHamza liked Amy.38“Oh please. That little –“ Here, Javed said a bad word that wanted to make me hidemy head in shame and never face Safia’s family again. Before he finished what hewas going to say, Hamza interrupted.6“What did you say?” Hamza came forward towards the edge of his seat.“I said that little –“ He repeated the word and this time I really did cover my facewith my hands.20“Shut up! How can you be so disrespectful?”4“Hamza, calm down.” Uncle Yahya grabbed onto Hamza’s arm.“Look at his filthy language. How could he say about someone who changed herwhole life for Islam?”1“I know Hamza but if you start shouting, it’s not going to solve anything.” Hamza satback in his seat folding his arms over his chest.3“I’m so sorry.” I said, my hands still covering my face.“Let’s just ignore that.” Uncle Yahya took a deep breath. “What else happenedsister? When she came around the second time?”“I repeated everything she told me the first time she came. That’s all.”“Okay. Just in case there’s more to it, I’m just going to remind you it is Ramadan. It’sokay, you can be honest.” Uncle Yahya said.2“Are you accusing me of being a liar in my own home?” Mum was raising her voice.6“No no, not at all. I’m merely trying to find the truth. Safia trusts Amy and as far aswe know her, she doesn’t seem like a person who would make a story up for noreason. I’m not saying you would but I’m sure there may be a misunderstandingsomewhere here.”“I knew I should never have agreed to Yusuf’s marriage. I knew right from thebeginning Safia wasn’t fit for this family.”2“What do you mean?” Uncle Dawud’s voice rose.
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