A Muslim's Romantic Journey

Chapter 65.Safia’s POVNot much happened through Ramadan. I was upset I couldn’t fast throughout theentire month. I wanted to but Yusuf said I shouldn’t. I would have if it wasn’t so hotand the fasts weren’t so long. A friend of mine from my first year of university, whowas married to a doctor, also advised me against it. I had to put my children’s healthfirst. I had to make up for the fasts I missed when I was able to. But for that monthof Ramadan, I tried to pray extra to make up for missing fasts.14I’d been waiting three years for graduation, but when it came, I wasn’t happy. I washappy I had a degree but the graduation wasn’t how I dreamt of it. I had passed withaverage grades but I didn’t expect any better. Maybe getting married and gettingpregnant while at university wasn’t the best way forward. But if I had the chance togo back and not get married, I would never have taken it. The reason for that wasYusuf.If I didn’t have Yusuf already, I would have traded my degree for him. At times, hecould be so annoying and a big kid. But at the end of the day, he was always there.And he always provided support when I needed it. Around the time he finished histraining when I had my graduation. He was with me, holding my hand, asking if I wastired.7“Just because I’m pregnant, doesn’t mean I’m incapable of walking,’ I said to him afew times. Although by the end of the day, my back was hurting. I also looked sohuge in the picture with me holding my degree in my hand. Yusuf said I looked cute.I accepted the compliment and shrugged it off even though Hamza laughed at mewhen he saw it.12I had to stop my whole family from attending the graduation so I limited the numberto three and made Uncle Yahya drive me and Yusuf there. Mum came along andafter a lot of pleading, I let Hafsa come too. Hamza wasn’t happy about that; hewanted to come as well. Hafsa also laughed at my graduation picture but she alsosaid I looked cute. Although I didn’t like the picture yet, I was sure years down theline, I would laugh at the picture and it would bring back memories of graduatingwhile heavily pregnant.2

I was nearing 9 months when my mum sent Hamza to get me and Yusuf. For somereason, we had to go to my parents’ house. It was nice for Hamza to pick us up. Ihadn’t been there since Eid when Ramadan ended a month ago. They’d been comingto visit though. But I told them they all had to visit separately because there wasn’tenough space for all of them to come together.7I was waddling when I walked now. But I didn’t even care about that or how hugethe bump had gone. I just wanted the babies out! I wanted to hold them and not goto bed with them in my stomach. It was all so uncomfortable. I thought I knew a lotabout pregnancies but no one prepared me for this. Why was it so uncomfortable?Well because I had two growing babies inside of me obviously.When I got to my parents’ house, Yusuf took my hand as soon as I got out of the car.The nearer I was getting to labour, the sweeter he was becoming. He wouldn’t evenlet me wake up for suhoor at night during Ramadan. I wanted to though, not for himexactly but because I wanted to gain reward for it. A reward for any deed ismultiplied in Ramadan so even something as small as making someone a meal wouldhelp someone gain so many rewards.3“Asalamu’alaykum!” My mum said greeting me with a really awkward hug. Mystomach was in the way. I wished I could just move it to the side and hug mymum. Not long to go, I reminded myself. My due date was in only a week.26I was led inside by Hafsa and sat down on the sofa, feeling grateful for its comfort.It was so much better than the car. My nephew, Zidan, came running to me.2“Careful Zidan!” Aisha shouted with gritted teeth.“It’s okay,” I assured her. I stared at Zidan for a while, he’d grown so much. He wasnow two years old. Time flew by a little too quick for my liking.“Aunty Safia, you’ve gone so fat!” Sara commented while Zidan tried to climb ontomy lap, pushing my belly out of the way.2“Zidan, please stop that.” I said, trying to stop myself from wincing in pain. “Andthanks for calling me fat, Sara.” She looked confused as to why I was thanking herbut then she completely forgot about me when she saw Yusuf enter. He was waitingoutside so that all the women could put their hijabs on before he entered.2“Uncle Yusuf!” She said, giving him a hug.

“Sara!” He said, patting her head. He sat down and Sara sat next to him. She begantelling him stories about school and I felt a little sorry for Yusuf. He had to sit thereand pretend to be interested in what she was saying, exaggerating his fakereactions.2Mum put some juice and snacks in front of me. I told her to leave all that and sit withme. I missed her a lot. Whenever I felt annoyed and uncomfortable, I thought of howmum went through the same for me.“How have you been feeling Safia?”“Well, I’ve been having Braxton hicks every now and then. Other than that, I’ve justbeen a little tired. I can’t sleep properly. My back also hurts.”4“Don’t worry, before you know it, they’ll be in your arms. When is the due date? Ikeep forgetting.”“It’s on the 6th.” Hafsa spoke from next to me.“That’s like a week away!” Aisha exclaimed. “You could have the baby any day now.”“Why am I here though?”“Ah yes, we thought you could benefit from some of the kids’ old clothes and Aishawants to give you that Moses basket Zidan used to sleep in.” Mum motioned forAisha to get the things. She sent her husband instead.“Thank you, that’s so considerate.” I told them.“Yeah well, I’m not planning to have any more monsters any time soon. These onesare enough.” She said, taking Zidan who was sitting on the little space I had left onmy lap.1“No! Safi!” He said, putting his hands out to me. “Mama!” He shouted, trying toundo her grip on him. “Safi!”“Aww, my baby! Give him to me,” I put my arms out and Aisha scolded me.“He can’t sit still, he’s going to end up kicking your stomach or elbowing you.” Sheturned a crying Zidan to face her. “Hush, Zidan, stop crying. Aunty Safia’s not feelingwell, okay? She can’t hold you. Look, she’s sick.” Aisha turned Zidan to face me andmouthed “Make a sick face.” I jutted my bottom lip out and Zidan began to laugh.“Now go find Musa.” She said, putting him down.4

Zidan sped off, nearly bumping into Tariq who came in with a Moses basket with twohuge bags inside it. Taking it out of Tariq’s hands, Aisha put the basket on the floorand picked up one bag.“These are the ones with Sara’s old clothes and those are the ones with Zidan andMusa’s old clothes.” She opened the bag. “Some of these are brand new. Like thisone,” She said, taking out a little pink dress. “It even has the label on. But there areold ones like this one.” She took out another worn out dress.“I remember that dress! Sara used to wear it all the time!” I said, taking it from Aisha.“Correction, you used to put it on Sara all the time.”“You can’t blame me. It’s so cute!” I held it up and called Yusuf. “Isn’t this soadorable?” I asked.“Nice.” He said, turning back to Hamza. They were talking about football again.Didn’t they have anything else to talk about? Sara had disappeared from besideYusuf. She had probably gone to join Amaan and Musa while they played on the Wiiand took care of Zidan. I knew my family too well.1I went through some of the clothes, thanking Aisha over and over again. Yusuf and Ionly had a few clothes so far. About three grows each for the children. They wereboring plain ones. I picked another random piece of clothing out of the bag that said,‘I’d rather be with my aunt.’1“I remember this one!” I said laughing. It was a gift from me when Zidan was born.There was another one Hamza and I had brought for Sara years ago saying, ‘I’m cute,mum’s cute, dad’s lucky.’ Some of these clothes brought back so many memories.5We kept going through the clothes even though mum told me off for making a messand Aisha started complaining about how she took so long separating them. I toldher they weren’t getting mixed so it was fine. I started to feel a strong pain in mystomach and dismissed it as Braxton hicks, meaning false labour. It was pain likecontractions but it wasn’t labour. It was feeling a little more painful than usual today.I took that as a good sign, thinking it meant I was getting closer to having my babies.I kept a neutral face and every now and then, I would get a pain again. It was duringdinner when the pains got worse. I excused myself from the able and made my wayto the toilet. The amount I needed to use the toilet was embarrassing. I hadn’tfinished washing my hands when I felt like someone had tipped over a bucket ofwater. I gasped really loudly, almost like a strange scream.17

“Safia!” I heard Yusuf’s voice. What was he doing outside the bathroom?1“Why aren’t you eating dinner?”“Because you looked like you were in pain. Is everything okay?”“Yusuf,” I said, unlocking the bathroom door. “I think my water just broke.” Yusuflooked down at the puddle beneath me. His expression showed fear. He was scared?I was the one about to go into a crazy amount of pain and he was the one who wasscared? “Call mum please.” He nodded and hurried off.7Mum came behind Yusuf only seconds later and she gasped too. She called for mysister Aisha and I hushed her.“We don’t need the whole world here to see this.”“Well someone needs to clean this up and I’m not letting you do so in this state. Andyou need clothes. What shall we do?”“All my clothes are at home.” I only had a few maternity clothes which I was wearingover and over.“I’ve got it! It’s okay, Safia. I have a really loose old abaya. You can wear that.”“Really? Thank you mum, you’re a life saver!” I said while the pain started up again.Aisha came at the speed of a snail.1“What’s up mum? You called?”“Safia’s water broke.” Mum told her. “Could you clean it up please?”6“The babies are on their way?” Aisha asked squealing. “I’m going to be an aunt! Youdon’t worry about anything Safia, I’ll clean this up.”“Can I change out of these clothes first please?” I begged. It was sticking to my legs.Mum went away and Aisha ignored me, coming into the bathroom to clean up. “Willyou stop standing there like a statue, Yusuf?”1“What do you want me to do?”1“I don’t know.”“Shall I call an ambulance?”

“No! We have to wait until the contractions are three minutes apart and then Hamzacan drive us. Didn’t you read the things I sent you?”“Sorry.” Out of nowhere, Amy appeared.“What’s going on?” She asked, obliviously.“Where were you?”“At work. Just came now.” She said and then it clicked what was going on. “Ya Allah!Safia, did your water break? Are you in labour?”“No, I peed myself.” I said sarcastically.13“Ew, Safia,” Yusuf said, scrunching his nose in disgust. Mum came with the abayaand clean loose trousers. I told Aisha to leave while I quickly cleaned myself andwore the abaya and trousers.9I thought it was going to be over soon but I was wrong. It took twelve hours for mycontractions to become three minutes apart. After Fajr the next morning, Hamzadrove me, Yusuf and mum to the hospital.

Chapter 66.Yusuf's POVOnly one word summed up the experience of watching my wife in labour.Traumatic.25When the pain got really bad, Safia kept shouting only two things over and over. Sheeither yelled 'Allah!' or she screamed 'Mum!' At one point, she called for Hafsa too.I was a little hurt she didn't say my name, even though she was squeezing my handand arm hard enough to bruise it.1The delivery room was limited to two people, besides the midwife, with Safia at onetime. Safia's mum, aunt Hajra and I stayed with Safia as Safia's had requested. Safiatold me to sit beside her while her mum sat on the other end, encouraging Safia. Atone point, I was so angered at how helpless I felt.\"I can't do this, Yusuf. I can't do this,\" Safia said, her lips quivering. She was sleep-deprived and had hardly any energy left.\"It's okay, Safia,\" I whispered, putting my head close to hers. \"You're strong, you cando this. Try again.\" I began to recite on her, hoping it would ease the pain.Safia's mum and midwife kept saying things but most of my focus was on Safia. Thatwas until I heard a shrilling cry. I looked to see a baby covered in weird slime. AuntHajra cut the umbilical cord and the midwife placed a peg there. Then the midwifetook a towel and roughly wiped it. My insides jumped at how harsh she was beingwith the baby. Then she practically dropped the baby onto Safia.3\"Careful!\" I shouted at the nurse. She just laughed.\"I've been a midwife for many years now. Believe me, your son's fine.\" My son?My son.14I peered closer at the baby's face. This was my son. This was thing I had been waitingfor. I just stared until another cry shortly followed. The process was repeated, but Ididn't shout anything this time. If there was a bruise on the baby, I was going to sue.2

The next part was sort of gross, more than before so I diverted my attention to mychildren. They looked identical. I noticed a little mark on the boy which the girl didn'thave. That was how I was going to differentiate. They weren't supposed to beidentical but they looked it. It was weird.3I put my hand forward and touched my son's hand. It was so soft. I slid my fingerinto his palm and his tiny hand clasped around it. I smiled down at it, completely lostin the moment. I reached over to stroke the soft cheek of my daughter. Then Icarefully slid my finger through her hand too, and she too clasped her hand aroundit.\"Safia, look. They're holding my finger.\" Bending down, I gave kiss of my son'sforehead. \"They're so beautiful.\" I looked up at Safia. She was looking down at them,tears of joy tricking down her face.3\"Ya Allah, thank you so much.\" She said, closing her eyes. \"Can you lift them a littlehigher so I can kiss them?\" She asked, trying to hold them closer than they were, ifthat was possible.\"I'm not so good at holding babies,\" I said, feeling slightly awkward. Aunt Hajra cameto the rescue. I had to pull my fingers out of the babies' grips and make way for auntHajra. While I had a moment to myself, I quickly thanked Allah for the birth of thechildren and I prayed that they were healthy. The looked completely healthy but thedoctors still had to check them later.Aunt Hajra and the midwife took the babies and put them into a cot. Then themidwife helped Safia up and told her to follow her to the next room for stitches. Itdidn't make sense to me why she had to leave but it was what the midwife said.4\"Yusuf, do you want to go with Safia or stay with the babies?\" I weighed it out in myhead. Stay with my gorgeous children and bond with them, or go with my wife andsee her getting stitches.\"I'll go with Safia,\" It was only fair that I be there with her after everything she wentthrough. Or maybe I wasn't the best support seeing that I stood with my eyes gluedto the window the whole time.When we got back, I saw that the room had been cleaned up and aunt Hajra washolding one of the babies. They were both clothed now. I wanted to hold one ofthem! 1

\"I'm just going to go and clean myself,\" Safia said, entering the en-suite bathroom. Inodded and walked over to aunt Hajra.2\"Can I hold it please?\" I asked, taking a seat. Aunt Hajra placed the baby in my arms.6\"I'll be back.\" She said and left. For the first time, I was alone with my children. Istared down at the baby. He, or she, whichever one I was holding, was so amazinglybeautiful. It had the softest skin and the tiniest little face, matching a tiny body. I putmy finger in its hand and it clasped it again. Never had I ever been so overcome withemotion. I took a deep breath to stop any tears from leaving my eyes. Crying wasn'tsomething I did. But this time, I couldn't help it.The warmth of my child against me was something indescribable. I lifted it upslightly, placing a kiss on its cheek. I looked over at the cot and saw the other babysleeping peacefully. Ever so carefully, I put the baby I was holding down, and pickedthe other one up. I held it close to me. I thought I would struggle to hold them but Iwanted them in my arms so desperately that I just couldn't resist long enough towait for someone to give them to me. And by the looks of it, I was a natural at holdingthem.The curiosity began eating away at me. I didn't know which baby I was holding. Icouldn't find the mark I noticed before on either of them. It was probably just a stainfrom their birth which was wiped away. After much debating, I checked and I washolding the boy. He was wearing a darker shade of blue to the girl so I could tellwhich was which now.\"Yusuf!\" I heard Safia say. \"Pass me the clothes in the baby bag we brought with us.\"Against my will, I put the baby down and got Safia's clothes for her. I gave her theclothes and a towel and went back to the children. This time, I picked my daughterup. While holding her, I made a phone call home to tell them the good news.\"Hello?\" Mum asked, picking up the phone.\"Asalamu'alaykum mum. We just had a baby boy and a baby girl,\" I told Mum andshe gasped.\"That's fantastic!\" She said and it followed with some questions and prayers. Shesounded genuinely happy which made me overjoyed! I had to put the phone downand turned to my daughter who was started to squirm a little.

\"Asalamu'alaykum Maria.\" She didn't respond. I expected some sort of reaction butshe continued squirming. \"Did you know your mummy picked out your name beforeyou were born? Do you know what Asalamu'alaykum means? Of course not, so letme tell you. It means peace be upon you. And I pray you feel nothing but peace.\"She wasn't smiling or responding and after a little while, she got a little boring. So Iput her down and picked the boy up. I started talking to him but he got boring too.That was until they started to cry.9Finally, Safia came.\"Why are they crying? Give them to me.\" She said straight away. I felt a littlerejected.\"Okay.\" In a much more experienced way compared to me, she picked up the babyboy. She held her breath, staring at him. Then she sighed contently and spoke in asoft tone. \"Hello. Who are you? Are you my son? Are you? Is he?\" Safia asked me. Inodded. \"Yes you are. You're my son! Why are you crying, huh? Where's your sister?Is daddy trying to pick her up?\" Suddenly her tone changed. \"Yusuf, be careful!\"\"I'm being as careful as I can!\" I said, taking her out of the cot holding her.\"Being slow doesn't mean careful. Hold her head properly! She can't control it youknow.\"\"I am.\" I said, shifting her awkwardly.\"You're going to drop her!\"1\"I'm not.\"\"Give her to me.\"2\"You're holding him.\" Safia put him in one arm and stretched the other towards me.\"I haven't held her properly, give her to me. Please?\"\"Fine. Don't drop them, okay?\"\"I know how to hold babies better than you do.\"\"They're still going to love me more. Here.\" I said, placing Maria in her arms.\"Move her so she's closer to me.\" I shifted the poor child. \"Make it parallel to howI'm holding him.\"

\"I am!\"\"You're not. She looks uncomfortable.\" I lifted her a little and put her back into hermother's arms. \"That's better.\" Safia stared down at her daughter. \"Maria.\" She saidwith adoration clear in her voice. She looked back and forth between the babies.\"They look different to each other.\"\"No they don't, they look exactly the same!\"\"All new borns look similar but I can tell the difference between these two. Can't tellwhich is a boy and which is a girl yet.\"4\"They look the same to me.\" Safia diverted her attention back to the babies.\"You're gorgeous little aliens aren't you?\"\"Don't call my children aliens.\"\"They do look like aliens though; all swollen and freakishly tiny.\"\"If they look like aliens, they take after their mother,\" I said and Safia let out a littlegiggle. I took out my phone. \"Safia, look up.\" She looked up and I snapped a pictureof her.\"Don't take any pictures of me! I look a right mess and I don't like pictures.\"\"The first ever picture of our children and it's with their mother. Aww.\"\"Okay, that makes me feel better.\" Safia grinned. The babies wouldn't stop crying.Their first picture was of them crying. A nurse came in.\"I think they need a feed, mum.\"\"Oh. Of course!\" Safia exclaimed.\"But before we do that, I need to check your blood pressure.\" I took the boy and puthim in the cot while holding Maria. The nurse checked Safia and the results werefine. \"Now you need to feed them. Do you need any help?\"\"No thank you, I'll be fine.\"

\"Okay, call me if you need anything.\" The nurse said and left. I sat down next to Safiaand gave her Maria. I took the boy, trying to console his cries. Then Safia and Iswapped children. After that, Safia asked me to give adhaan (call for prayer) into thebabies' ears. (A practice which Muslims follow)6Aunt Hajra came back shortly, followed by nearly half of Safia's family. They allgreeted us and began crowding around the babies.\"You guys came so quickly! And I'm sure if the nurses see you, they're going to tellus off. It's restricted to two visitors only!\"1\"It's fine, I charmed the nurse and she let us in,\" Hamza said.\"Did you flirt with them? Ashtaghfirullah Hamza. And in front of Amy?\"\"Someone said my name?\" Amy asked, looking up from staring into the baby boy'sface.\"I didn't flirt. Astaghfirullah. I was joking. I only asked if we could go in and they saidyes.\"\"And that middle aged nurse, the big one, was so checking Hamza out.\" Amy chimedin. \"She's the one who let us all in.\" Amy looked more amused than anything. \"I thinkHamza took quite a liking to her too.\"\"Very funny Amy,\" Hamza said humorlessly. \"Now let me hold it.\" He reached forMaria.2\"But I've only been holding her for a little while.\" Safia pouted.\"You can hold her as much as you want later. The nurses said we can only stay herefor a little while.\"\"Okay then.\" Safia handed them over unwillingly.\"My turn!\" Hafsa shouted, reaching for the baby in Amy's arms. They all took turnsto hold the baby.Another practice in Islam, which was followed by the Prophet, was giving somethingsweet to the child. It is said by some that this is so that he or she may have thecharacteristics of the person who gives the sweet thing. Safia's family had broughthoney with them.7

\"Uncle Yahya, you can give them the honey.\" Safia said. Uncle Yahya beamed at her.\"You want them to be like me?\" He asked. Safia nodded.\"It was between you and mum but then I thought, this can make up for the kindleyou bought me when I was 15.\" Uncle Yahya chuckled.\"I really thought you were going to ask me.\" Hamza sulked a little.\"Sorry. You can give them honey next.\"\"And I'm a little hurt you don't want them to be like their granddad,\" Uncle Dawudsaid.\"Stop making this hard for me! Fine, you can give the honey to Maria and UncleYahya, you can give it to him.\" Safia pointed at the boy. \"And then Hamza can gonext.\"\"Does, me going second even make a difference?\" He asked and Safia shrugged.\"No, I'll give the honours to Hamza. I'd love to see your children to turn out like him.\"Uncle Dawud said.\"I'm the one who just had babies and he's the one who's getting praised?\" UncleDawud hugged Safia.\"Why don't you give the honey then?\"\"No, not me.\" Safia shook her head.\"See, I knew you'd reject.\" I was feeling a little left out. I wasn't getting any attention.\"What about me? Don't you want them to be like me?\"\"I've been praying nonstop that they turn out like you, so it's only fair I give thehonour to someone else because you have all my prayers.\" The girls began to talkover each other about how 'cute' that was. I must have gotten a little red becauseSafia's mum laughed at me. It was kind of funny.Uncle Yahya washed his hands thoroughly and dried them before opening up thebottle of honey and dipping the tip of his finger inside it. He then put it in Maria'smouth and she began to suck on it. The boy was next. Hamza washed his hands anddried it too before dipping the tip of his finger in the honey. He put it in the boy'smouth. He didn't suck on the finger like Maria.1

We continued talking and the atmosphere was so amazing. It was interrupted by thedoor opening. A nurse came in.\"You have to leave now. Only two of you can stay,\" She said.\"Two as in, two visitors besides the father or including the father?\" Hamza asked.\"Usually it's including the father, but I'll make an exception this time.\" So that wasthe middle aged, big lady who clearly had taking a liking to Hamza. They were aboutto leave when Safia stopped her mum.\"They didn't check the babies yet!\"\"They did. And they weighed them and took some blood from their heels while youwere getting stitches.\"5\"Without me? That's not fair. How much do they weigh?\"\"Five pounds, masha'allah.\" That sounded good. Although, I didn't know much aboutbabies and how much they should weigh.8Slowly, everyone left but Hamza and Amy stayed behind. We all spoke and had alaugh when the door opened again and in stepped my mum and Javed.

Chapter 67.Important Author’s Note: Just to clear the air, I do know what I’m talking about whilewriting this. I made one blunder last chapter in my sleepy state which I correctedquickly thanks to… Someone… Other than that, I’ve witnessed three births last yearand they pretty much went like how I described. And, I have helped/am helping raisea total of 11 children. (They all had honey at birth and their digestive system wasFINE! I assure you). A lot of my life revolves around babies so whatever is to come inthe story (about raising children) is from reality and something I’m deeply involvedin. If you disagree with me, remember: There is more than one way of doing things!84Safia’s POVI’d heard several times that when a baby is born. The instant you see it, hear it andfeel it, you forget all your pain. It wasn’t exactly like that. In fact, after the boy, I wasstill in pain because the girl was on her way. But once I realized my babies were onme, they were out, several emotions overtook me in one go. There was shock, joy,love, fear and most of all, gratitude. I was so grateful they were out and in my arms,sounding very healthy.Of course the previous feelings and pain wasn’t instantly forgotten. I was planningon telling Yusuf off and laughing at him for being such a useless birthing partner butseeing how happy he was with the babies, I let it slide. During labour, he had morefear on his face than I did.4I hated that they made me walk to the next room for stitching. Why couldn’t theyhave done it there? Then I had the choice of roughly showering now or later. Iwanted to hold the children but I knew my family would be swarming in soon and ifI held them again, I wouldn’t let them go.3Although I hadn’t slept all night, I had a great amount of energy after seeing mybabies. I couldn’t believe they were mine. I never even planned on having even onechild at the age of 21, let alone two. And that too, a boy and a girl at the same time.It was so rare and I made sure I was incredibly grateful to have this opportunity thathardly any young women are blessed with.2“They are not identical!” I argued as Yusuf insisted there was no difference betweenthem.“I’m not saying they’re identical twins, but they look identical.”

“Hamza, bring the boy here.” I said, holding the girl. We held them next to eachother. “Maria has a slightly slimmer nose and thinner lips like yours. The boy has arounder nose and fuller lips.”4“Like yours?”“I guess so. But you can’t tell properly because they’re newborns and newbornsusually look similar.”“Can I hold-““If you say it one more time Hamza, I’m not letting you hold either of them.” Iwarned him.8“What’s so bad about that?” Yusuf asked guiltily.“They’re not objects! They’re babies! Little humans. Human cubs.”4“Human cubs?” Amy asked. I didn’t have a chance to respond before the dooropened. I was sitting on the bed which was near the wall where the shower was onthe other side so I couldn’t see the door. All I saw was Yusuf sprinting across to roomshouting“Wait!” Then in a more calm voice, he said, “She’s not covered properly. Could youwait outside for two minutes?”1“Why should I wait?” Someone asked. It sounded a lot like Aunt Jerry. I looked atAmy with panic. She was just confused. I handed her the boy and put my hijab on,all the while, thinking of a way to avoid the confrontation. It occurred to me, Yusufwas talking about my hijab which could only mean one thing. Javed was here too.9Uh oh.I looked towards the window but Amy couldn’t jump out, we were on the secondfloor! She could hide on the shower. Her and Hamza both.10“Hide in the shower you guys,” I said, taking the boy back. Hamza sat on one side ofme and Amy on the other.“Why?” Hamza asked. Aunt Jerry was still at the door, talking to Yusuf. It was whenJaved spoke up that the colour on Amy’s face drained.1

“Mum’s allowed to see Safia without her hijab. She’s desperate to see the little ones,let her in.”“Only two people allowed at one time. There are already two people inside.”“But the lovely nurse here said we could go inside.” Javed replied. I really hoped itwasn’t the same one who let my family in because of Hamza. Didn’t that womanhave the power to resist someone good looking? I felt sort of angry at her. Whywasn’t she doing her job properly? Or maybe she was just trying to be nice. Maybeit was unfair to blame her for this situation. She didn’t know how awkward thisconfrontation would be.“At least knock before you just barge in,” Yusuf said. I heard Javed sigh in irritationand knock on the door.“Safia, we’re coming in. Cover yourself.” Amy gripped my arm and I didn’t even wantto look at Hamza. But I did. He was going red. I hope that wasn’t because of hatredor rage.Javed and his mother walked in. They both stopped and stared at Amy. Still frozen,all their eyes flickered back and forth. Aunt Jerry was the first the break the silence.“Is that the boy or the girl?” She asked me.3“This is the girl. Maria.” Aunt Jerry held her arms out to hold her. Without seemingtoo hesitant, despite how much I didn’t want to pass Maria over, I gave Aunt Jerrythe baby.“Hello.” Aunt Jerry said to Maria. “You look like Maryam.”1“Where is Maryam?” I asked. “And dad?”“Suleiman’s at work. Maryam’s going to come with him later.” She said, not lookingup.“Er… These are for the babies.” Javed said, holding up a gift bag. That was nice ofthem. Yusuf took the gift bag and thanked him. Javed kept glancing at Amy andHamza kept his eyes low, gritting his teeth. “That’s the boy, right?” I nodded. “Can Ihold him?”

“Yeah, sure. Take a seat; I’ll bring him to you,” Yusuf said, taking the baby fromHamza who just glared at him with a murderous look. Yusuf carefully took the boyand handed him over to Javed who picked the baby up with skill I was surprised tosee. After a little while, Javed and Aunt Jerry swapped babies.“It’s like holding Maryam all over again.” Javed commented.“Amy, do you want to go?” Hamza asked.“Leaving so soon?” Why did Javed have to open his mouth?“Sure Hamza. We’ll be back later,” Amy said to me.“Amy,” Javed called and I felt like my heart stopped beating.3“Please can we avoid any trouble?” Yusuf almost begged.“There won’t be any trouble. We’re leaving,” Hamza said sternly.“Amy, I wanted to apologise, okay? I’m sorry I was a jerk to you.”“Come on Amy, let’s go.” Hamza grabbed Amy’s hand.“Let Amy speak,” Javed said.“You have no right to tell me what to do.”“Don’t speak to him like that.” Aunt Jerry warned.“Hamza, walk away. Please?” I pleaded. He was about to, but then Javed spokeagain.“At least you know I’m sorry Amy. I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages. I made ahuge mistake.” Was Javed stupid? He was saying that to Amy in front of herhusband?“I’ve moved on from the past. None of that matters to me anymore. I’m with Hamzaand I’m happy, that’s all I really care about now.”“Good to know that.” Javed said, looking down. It looked like he was hurt. Like hereally truly did regret what he’d done.“Call me when they go, Safia,” Hamza said as if to make a statement about howmuch he disliked Javed and Aunt Jerry’s presence.2

“Come on, I’ll drop you to your car.” Yusuf said, lightly shoving Hamza towards thedirection of the door.“Yusuf!” I didn’t want him to leave me with Aunt Jerry and Javed.“It’s okay Yusuf, you stay with Safia.” I heard Hamza say to Yusuf.“Oh, of course. Okay, I’ll see you later.” With that, Hamza and Amy left. I still feltawkward and uneasy. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but that sort ofconfrontation was the last thing a woman wanted right after having two children.“What were they doing here?” Aunt Jerry asked.27“They’re family too.” Yusuf replied. “So mum, how did you even know where wewere?” He asked, wanting to get over what just happened as soon as possible.“Well you were texting Maryam the whole time, telling her where you were and all.”I didn’t know Yusuf was talking to Maryam. I looked at him questioningly.“She was asking for updates.” He shrugged. “Have you thought of a name?” Yusufasked. This part made me nervous. Sometimes I regretted leaving the decision ofnaming my son in the hands of Aunt Jerry.“I have,” She replied. I really hoped it was a nice name. Yusuf and I waited inanticipation. “It was my grandfather’s name, my mum’s dad. I’ve never met him butmy mum told me great stories about him. His name was Adam.”“Adam.” I repeated. It was such a common name. It was nice, but so many peoplewere called Adam. Everyone knew an Adam. “I like it.” But it was so common.22“Me too.” Yusuf added. I didn’t expect him to be named Adam. Hopefully I wouldget used to it.“So it’s official? His name is Adam?” Aunt Jerry asked.“Yes. Maria and Adam.” I confirmed. Aunt Jerry seemed very happy holding thebabies. I’d never seen this side to her. It was as if she was so genuinely overjoyedlooking at her grandchildren. They stayed for a little while before they handed thechildren back and told us they had to leave.4“Congratulations Yusuf,” Javed said, shaking Yusuf’s hand.

“Thanks,” He replied. Then Aunt Jerry put her purse down and gave Yusuf a hug. Thelook on Yusuf’s face resembled that of a little boy who’d just been given the biggestcompliment ever. My heart melted as he slowly held his mother back.7“Congratulations Yusuf. They’re lovely.” She said, and pulled away. Yusuf just smiledshyly. “By the way, who’s giving the dates to the children?”“Safia’s family already gave some honey.” Yusuf said awkwardly and it sort ofdampened the mood. Aunt Jerry clearly wasn’t happy about it.“Aren’t we good enough to give the dates or honey to a child?” I really wanted tosay that it is said it’s good for it to be a pious person who gives a small piece of dateor honey. But she would take that offensively. Yusuf and I agreed earlier that he’dlet me choose who I wanted to give honey or dates to the babies. I was obviouslygoing to put my family first. Even if I did choose someone from Yusuf’s family, itwould either be him or his dad.2“We’re sorry. I would love for you to give them some honey too now but I don’tthink it’s a good idea to give them any more though. A little bit wouldn’t do any harmbut I’m afraid if we gave them more, it might have negative effects.”“It’s fine. Come on Javed, let’s go.”“I’m really sorry. But, you had the honour of naming the boy. Safia’s family didn’teven get a say for either of them,” He said, hoping it would make his mum feelbetter.“I guess you’re right. Keep us informed about Adam and Maria. Phone me right afterthey discharge you from the hospital. And I hope you’ll bring them around soon.”1“I will, in’sha’allah,” Yusuf promised. After that, they left.“It’s not even afternoon yet,” Yusuf said, sitting down next to me and rubbing hiseyes.“And so much has happened. Pass me one of the babies.” Yusuf picked Adam up andhanded him to me. I smelt a weird kind of smell. Not exactly an odour, but just weird.“I think someone needs their first ever nappy change,” I said to Adam.9“Your baby voice is creepy.”8

“You’re creepy. Give me two nappies. I think Maria might need a change too.” I, forthe first time, changed both of my babies’ nappies. Yusuf put them in the hospitalcot and I lay down. “I’m going to sleep.”19“I’ll join you.” Soon, we both fell asleep.That was until an ear piercing cry echoed the room only an hour later. This was howlife was going to be now. But I felt ready to get used to it.

Chapter 68.Yusuf’s POVHamza had dropped us home after a little trouble we’d had. I’d only bought one carseat and I missed the bid on eBay for the other one because the bidding finishedduring the time I was at hospital. Also, I was so caught up in the babies that I forgotabout it. I was glad I’d bought other essential items, like a cot, already.1The doctors did several checkups on the babies because they were a littlepremature. They were fine but we had to stay in hospital for a couple of nights. Safiainsisted I go home and get rest but it didn’t feel right to leave her with two babiesalone in hospital.8We were told that they didn’t let children go home without knowing they had carseats and had safe transportation. We were saved when Hamza told us that Aishahad given us Zidan’s old car seat. I felt bad for taking so much, even though it wasold things that may not be used again by them. 9When we got home, Hamza took one baby in and I, the other, both still in their carseats. Hamza put the car seat down once we got inside and told us he’d join us in aminute.“Hello sweetheart.” I said, taking one of the babies out. I was sure it was the girl.“That’s the boy. You just called your son sweetheart.”16“Still can’t tell the difference.”“For goodness sake, he’s wearing blue and she’s wearing pink.”9“That’s pink? I thought it was white.”“It’s a very pale pink. I really think you need to get your eyesight checked,” Safia saidwith serious worry.2“My eyesight’s fine! It’s just, they’re a little confusing.” Maybe it was just her natureas a mother that she could so easily tell the difference. And that pale pink lookedwhite from afar.“So good to be home.” Safia took her hijab off and I could see her relax into the sofa.Hamza came in, dragging a cardboard huge box.

“This,” He said, dumping it into the middle of our living room. “Is from me and Amy.”Safia let out a high pitched squeal.“Oh my gosh, what is it?” Hamza looked at her weirdly.“Stuff. Oh, and Hafsa contributed too. Actually, even Amaan got something. Oh, andFaiza and Zayna.”“I get the point, everyone contributed,” Safia said impatiently.“Not everyone.”“Can I open it?” She asked, ignoring him. Hamza nodded and carefully, Safia placedherself on the floor and began opening the large cardboard box. Inside was whatseemed like a year’s supply of nappies, wipes, nappy bags, baby soap, babyshampoo, baby oil, talcum powder and other things too. “Oh look, sudocrem!”4“Yeah, the nappy rash cream. Amy insisted it must be included.” They looked at eachother and shared a secret amused smile. It was probably an inside joke because Ididn’t understand what was so funny about a nappy rash cream.“Wow, that’s a lot of stuff. Thanks bro,” I smiled, impressed with the goods insidethe box.“Thank you so much Hamza! Jazak’allah khair! May Allah reward you lots and lots!”Safia said while going through everything.“You’re welcome. I must go now, wife needs me.”1“Stay for a little while,” I said and Hamza shook his head.“I can’t. I promised Amy I’d help her clean our room.” Safia’s jaw dropped.“You? As in Hamja, cleaning?”6“Back to the Hamja jokes? I thought that was forgotten.” He moaned.34“Something like that can never be forgotten,” Safia replied, giggling to herself. “Myname Hamja! That’s a classic.”15“And that’s the thanks I get?”“I said thank you! Don’t make me feel bad about receiving a gift now.”

“I’m not! I’m just asking you not to call me by that name. By the way, there are a fewcool clothes in there too, in that bag.” Hamza pointed to a bag buried beneath somethings and Safia took it out. From the bag, she pulled out some clothes. Safia burstout laughing at the first thing she saw.1“It’s a big lie but it’s hilarious!” She held the piece of clothing towards me and it said‘Yes, I’m adorable, I take after my uncle.’19“Funny.” I chuckled.“And one hundred percent true,” Hamza replied. Safia laughed again as she tookanother one out. That one read, ‘Been inside for nine months’ and it had black andwhite stripes.12“I love it! Are they all like this?”“Yep! Amy and I took a lot of time picking them out.”“Thank you so much. I don’t know what to say.”“Admit I’m the most amazing brother ever and we’re even.”“I’ll find another way of getting even,” Safia replied.“This is the second time I’m feeling my phone vibrate; I think the missus is calling. Imust be off.” Turning away from us, he knelt next to Maria. “Bye bye little princess,”He said, giving her a little kiss before he walked to the door. I followed.1“Thanks again man, you didn’t have to do all of that,” I said.“Nonsense. She’s my sister. Don’t tell her this but she’s one of the closest people tome in the family. I wanted to do all this for her. And I know your situation’s a littletough right now.” Hamza whispered. I frowned, feeling slightly embarrassed. “Don’tworry, I don’t blame you. These things happen.”“Jazak’allah for everything and I’m grateful you understand. But I’ve got hope thatthings will get better soon. I’ve started applying for plumbing agencies andin’sha’allah not long to go and I’ll have a steady job with a good enough pay.”“In’sha’allah. Anyway, see you later.” I moved Adam to my left arm as I shookHamza’s hand. “Bye Adam.” Hamza pinched Adam’s cheek lightly.“Asalamu’alaykum,” He said loudly so Safia could hear.1

“Wa’alaykumsalaam,” Safia and I replied and Hamza left. I closed the door and cameback inside. Safia was holding Maria and talking to her.“Look how much your uncle got you and your brother. Are you happy? Is mummyhappy? Is daddy happy? Yes we are. We’re very happy.”3“Safia you speak such nonsense to our children.” I’d been hearing her saying all sortsto the babies in the last three days. Without turning to me, and continuing with herbaby voice, she told Maria,1“Daddy’s just jealous that I love someone else more, isn’t he? He can’t stand thatI’ve got someone else to talk to. He doesn’t like that I find him boring and I havesome new interests. Isn’t that right Maria? Yes it is.” I faced my son and startedtalking to him in my own baby voice, mimicking Safia.2“Your mummy’s a weirdo, isn’t she Adam? She’s calling daddy jealous just to get areaction out of him, isn’t she? She just wants attention from daddy by calling himboring. Daddy’s not boring, daddy’s cool. Isn’t daddy cool? I’ll take that silence as ayes.” That was when Adam decided he was hungry and started to cry.14“He’s trying to say daddy’s not cool. Daddy is boring and jealous.”“Just feed the child.” I said swapping babies with Safia.3“Yusuf, put Maria down and get me a glass of water please.” I put Maria on the sofaand went to get some water for Safia. When I came back, I sat next to Maria, playingwith her little hands.“They look different today.” I commented after a good long stare at Maria’s face.“Their swelling has gone down. They’re getting cuter.”“They’re already too cute to get any cuter.”4“Trust me, Yusuf, when they get older, you’ll look back at pictures of them at thisage and you wouldn’t find them so cute. Wait until they’re about six months and geta little chubby. It’s adorable! That’s when they can control their heads too. It’s sucha nice age. I miss Zidan at that age.”4“Well I like you already,” I said to Maria. It was so hard not to talk to them. “Unlikeyour evil mother over here, I think you’re cute already.”“I didn’t say they weren’t cute! I said they’ll get cuter.” Maria started crying.

“See, she’s hurt that her mother doesn’t think she’s cute.”“I do! Anyway, I think Adam’s stopped now so pass Maria to me and take Adam.”7Our whole day went by occupied with the children. It was fun although they stayedsleeping for a lot of time during the day. Night time was a whole different story.The fifth time I was woken up, I began to regret telling Safia that she could wake meup when she woke up at night too. She woke me up and handed me one of thebabies to burp them. Luckily after that, I wasn’t awoken again. In the morning, I sawSafia was up, feeding one of the babies.“Well that wasn’t too bad. They only woke up a total of five times.”“Five? They woke up twelve times in total,” She replied, rubbing her tired eyes.“Twelve? That’s a lot! Why didn’t you wake me up all the other times to help?”“As I recall, you specifically told me not to wake you up again.”“I did no such thing!”“You did. You were sleepy and you mumbled it with a pleading ‘please’ too. And thenyou turned around and fell asleep.”“Well people say crazy things when they’re really sleepy. And I was so sleepy I don’teven remember saying that. I’m really sorry, though, and I didn’t mean it. You canwake me up whenever you like.”3“Change Adam’s nappy please,” Safia said, ignoring my nice apology. Forcing myselfup, I took a nappy from the bedside drawer and some wipes. I placed the nappydown, under Adam and Safia sighed, “The other way.” I turned it around and lookedat Safia for approval. Then, as I opened his nappy, I kept saying,11“Please don’t pee on me.” At least it made Safia smile. I finished changing the nappyand took a moment to stare at my success.6“Now take out all the folds of the nappy that are tucked in and make it a little tighterso it doesn’t leak.” I looked at Safia confused. She sight again as she put Maria downand scooted nearer to Adam to show me. She made it nice and neat and I made amental note of how I should do the nappy next time.

A few days went by like this and my nappy changing skills improved. I got even betterat it when the babies umbilical cord dried and fell off. Then Safia made me book anappointment and we had Adam have his circumcision which wasn’t anything like Ithought it would be. He didn’t even cry much. Then we had the babies’ aqeeqah too,an Islamic practice in which sheep are sacrificed for a child. Then we had to shavetheir hair off and paid some charity.25Safia’s family came around often to help with all of this. My family came around too,a couple of times.Time drifted by and soon, our little babies were two weeks old. They looked differentand I could tell the difference between them now. Maria looked a bit like me,according to Safia. I thought she looked like mum and Maryam. I think Adam lookedlike a mixture of Safia and me. I believed he had my eyes.On one tiring day after hearing a lot of crying, Safia and I were napping while thebabies were also asleep. I was due to go back to my teaching job in only two daysand I was dreading it.1I was awoken from my nap with my phone ringing. I rubbed my eyes and answeredit groggily,“Asalamu’alaykum.”“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” Safia’s mum answered. “How are you? How are Adam andMaria?” Aunt Hajra’s voice sounded strained, almost panicky.“Good alhamdulillah. Is everything okay?”“No, not at all.”“Why? What happened?”“It’s Amy’s mother. She had another stroke yesterday. We didn’t want to tell eitherof you until her state was confirmed. This morning, she passed away.”65“Oh.” That was all I managed to reply. This was truly saddening news. Safia awokeand asked me what was wrong.3“If it’s possible, maybe you could come around.” Aunt Hajra sounded shaken. “I thinkAmy would like the support of her best friend. I’ll send Hamza, Yahya, or even Hafsa.Her driving’s improving.”

“I’ll phone you back after I speak with Safia.”“That’s fine. Let me know soon.” Aunt Hajra hung up.“Safia, we have some bad news.”“What is it? Tell me!”“Amy’s mum had another stroke yesterday and she wasn’t able to survive this one.She passed away this morning.” Safia let out a loud gasp.“How’s Amy?”1“I don’t know. I was speaking to your mum just now. Do you want to go to see her?”“Yes. Yes, I’ll just get the kids’ things ready. This is horrible. I wonder what she mustbe feeling. This is awful.” Half way through stuffing baby things into a bag, Safiabroke down. “She was so sweet. I can’t believe this.” I pulled Safia towards me andlet her cry.

Chapter 69.Safia’s POV3Uncle Yahya came to take us to see Amy. I saw Hamza as soon as I entered myparents house.“Asalamu’alaykum.” I took in Hamza’s worn out face. I had to look away. It hurt tosee my overly confident brother with such a sad expression and tired eyes.“Wa’alaykumsalaam.”“Where’s Amy?” I asked him.“She’s gone to see her dad. They’re going to discuss where they’re going to bury her.There seems to be a disagreement.”1“Why are you here? Why aren’t you there helping? What if they argue? And in thisstate at this time! You shouldn’t have left her alone!” I scolded.“She told me it’s better if I leave them to discuss it. What if he argues with me? Thatwould make it worse for Amy.”“I just… I’m worried about her,” I say weakly.“You think I’m not? You think I’m fine seeing my wife like this?” Hamza rubbed hisface. “You know what? I’ll go check on her now.”“If he does try to argue with you, don’t say anything back. He just lost his wife,remember that,” I advised. Hamza nodded and left.“You okay?” Yusuf asked.“I think I’m getting a headache,” I replied.“Shall I ask your mum for some painkillers?” I shook my head.“I want to avoid them as much as I can.” Yusuf nodded understandingly. I triedkeeping my diet healthy for I was providing nutrition for my babies. The doctorsallowed certain painkillers but I still avoided them.

Everyone wanted to hold Adam and Maria which gave me a little break. Hamza andAmy came back with good news. Amy had gone straight to her room so I didn’t geta chance to see her. Hamza let us know Mr. Faber had reluctantly agreed to whereAmy wanted to bury her mother. Then he followed her up. I didn’t understand whythere was a disagreement in the first place.1Soon, the babies began to cry. With Zayna’s permission, I headed to her room tofeed the babies. I was so worried about Amy and this sudden awful news that I didn’teven feel much pain during the feed.8Once I was done, I gave one baby to Zayna and the other to Yusuf. Then I climbed tothe third floor to Hamza and Amy's room and knocked on the door.3“Who is it?” Hamza asked.“It’s me. Safia.”“Come in.” I opened to door to see Amy and Hamza sitting on the floor, Hamzaleaning back on the bed with his arm around Amy while Amy hugged her legs andburied her head into her knees. Hamza slowly got up, stroking Amy’s back for amoment before he ushered me inside and left, closing the door behind him. I satdown where Hamza was sat before.1“Amy? Look at me.” I didn’t know what to say or do. How was I supposed to comfortsomeone when their just mother passed away? Amy looked up at me, her eyesswollen with tears but a soft smile on her face.2“Two days ago, Ma said her shahadah.” I let it sink on for a moment. Then it madesense! Amy probably wanted her mother to be buried in an Islamic cemetery.84“That’s fantastic!” I said, putting on a smile hoping to make Amy feel better. “It’s sadshe didn’t get to live a longer Muslim life. But that’s the will of Allah, right? And shedied with barely, if any, sins. Isn’t that the dream?”17“Yeah. That provides me with some comfort. But I keep thinking about how I’ll nevertalk to her again. Or see her. Or hold her.” Amy bit her trembling lips as she buriedher head back into her knees. I gave her hug.“Life is so temporary. We’ll meet her again in Jannah in’sha’allah. Pray and keep yourfaith strong and you’ll see her there.”2

“The Janaza’s in an hour and people don’t even know she became Muslim. And I’mreally worried about something. I have no idea whether my mum converted for meor for Islam. What if she never truly believed? I’m stuck with those thoughts untilthe Day of Judgment when the truth is clear in front of me. I’m so scared.”“Don’t be scared Amy. Think positively and pray for her. I’m sure her intentions weresincere. Allah is most merciful.”5“I’m trying to think positively. I’m really trying my best but I just… I’m going to loseit.”“Amy, you’re not making sense.”“I can’t keep it in. I kept it in long enough when Hamza was with me but I can feelmyself breaking.” Amy let out a ragged breath.“Then… I guess you can let out.“Safia, she’s gone.” Amy said as she began to cry again.2“I know. It’s okay,” I said, rubbing her back.“It’s not okay. She’s gone!” Amy cried. “Safia, mum’s gone! She’s gone and now Iwon’t ever see her in this life. Who knows how much longer my life is. What if it’slike another fifty years? Fifty more years without her. How am going to do it? Howam I going to go on without speaking to her? Without any of her advice? Withoutever holding her!” Amy drew in a long breath ferociously wiping away her tears. “Idon’t know how I’m going to do it! Safia, how? How am I going to survive like this? Ineed her.” She let her head fall back as she struggled to breathe between her sobs.19I brushed away my own tears. I was frightened to see Amy like this. Amy was strongand always held herself together. Seeing her like this, I felt helpless. She wasbreaking apart right in front of my eyes. I didn’t know what to say or do, I wasfrozen.1“I…” I began, licking my dry lips, hoping to form some comforting words. “Things willget better. It doesn’t seem like they will now but they always do. It will get better.”“When? How? How can they get better now? She’s not here to make anythingbetter.” Amy wouldn’t stop shaking.6

“We’re all here though,” I said, reaching for a tissue on the bedside drawer. I wipedmy face and put the box in front of me and Amy. I swallowed the lump in my throatbefore I attempted to speak again. “You have me, Hamza, our entire family, yourdad. Most of all, you have Allah. When all is lost, you’ll always have Allah.” Amy justnodded, continuing wiping her eyes with her sleeves.5I could tell Amy had calmed down when she just stared at the ground silently. Herbreathing hiccupped as an aftermath of how much she cried.2We stayed in silence until I was called to hold my children as everyone left to pray.Adam was asleep and Maria began to cry for milk. She was one hungry little baby.As I fed her, my mind was lost in thoughts about the entire concept of a mother.No matter who came in my life and who left, no matter how much I’d come to loveYusuf, no one, no one could take the place of my mother. No one could replace thosewarm hugs and the feeling of love and safety. No one’s presence could be thatcomforting. If Mrs. Faber was to Amy even a fraction of what my mum was to me,then I could only imagine what sort of pain she must be going through.21Again I had tears falling out of my eyes. Putting Maria down, I held my throbbinghead in my hands. I wished I could just take a break from my thoughts. The more Ithought, the more my head hurt. I wanted to just hug my mum and never let go. Iwanted to put my head in her lap and relax. In the midst of these thoughts, I heardanother cry yet again, reminding me that I too was now a mother. I had my ownresponsibilities and my own children who depended on me.Picking Adam up, I rocked him gently. I tried to think of the positives of this suddentragedy. There was the obvious good thing that Mrs. Faber converted only two daysbefore passing away, dying practically sinless. And at least Mrs. Faber lived to seeher daughter marry and settle down. Also, Amy had all our support. If she werealone, this would have been so much harder. Besides, this was destiny. Mrs. Faber’stime was up and it seemed like she knew it. Her purpose in this life was fulfilled.I was lying on the bed, waiting for everyone to return when I heard Yusuf’s voice. Ipicked Adam and Maria up, holding one child in each arm and carefully made myway downstairs. He was talking to Hamza and automatically reached for one of thebabies.2“I’m going to go after Amy. She needs me right now,” Hamza said, dragging himselfup the stairs.

The sad atmosphere lasted the rest of the day. Even when I went home, there wasa sad atmosphere. It only got worse a couple of days later when Yusuf went back towork.It was new for me to be alone with the babies for most of the day. I wasn’t copingvery well. When they’d both cry, I would miss Yusuf as if I hadn’t seen him in so long.Only then, I could appreciate all he did when he was here.4Only a few days passed without Yusuf when I began to feel really low. I wasconstantly tired and at times, I even thought of just letting the children cry withouttending to their needs. Their cries began to irritate me and sometimes, I’d just breakdown. I stopped doing most of the things I used to do. Any chores were now doneby Yusuf. He tried to help with my mood. But he failed.1He was patient with me and tried to cheer me up but I just wasn’t interested. Hewould hold me and praise me and call me beautiful. But I was just on a constant low.At first I thought it was because of Amy’s mum’s death. Then I thought it wasbecause I was alone during the day. But when Yusuf came home, I was still in adepressed mood. I thought it might be the lack of sleep but I was no longer evenable to sleep much.5One day, mum came around and I spoke to her about it. She said I might havepostnatal depression. I wanted to deny it, but mum said denial would only damagemy health further. Then she suggested that I stay with her for a month or so. Shesaid everyone would help out taking care of Adam and Maria.9“It was Allah’s will that you’re blessed with two children. But you’re only twenty one.You just became an adult yourself. I’m sure Yusuf will understand if you came tostay. And I’ll talk to Dawud; he’ll allow Yusuf to stay with us. I’m positive he will.”When I shook my head, mum continued, “At least stay with us temporarily untilmotherhood becomes easier and you feel better. Talk to Yusuf about it.” Mum alsoadvised that I make an appointment with my doctor if my low moods continued.7Once mum was gone, I thought about it and decided I would talk to Yusuf about it. Iwaited for him to come home, but when he did, he didn’t look too good. He greetedme and went to the bedroom without saying anything. Usually he came home, gaveme kiss and asked about my day, trying to make me smile.“What’s wrong with you?” I asked as he sat on the bed, staring into the cot wherethe twins lay.

“Dad divorced mum.” My eyes widened in shock while I just stood, rooted to thespot. “Just got off the phone with Javed.” Yusuf told me, his gaze not once meetingmine.126“Sorry to hear that,” I mumbled in reply.3Just another problem to add onto our list of problems.

Chapter 70.Yusuf’s POVOn the first day I got off from work, I went to see mum. I wanted to know whathappened from her. Javed opened the door and led me inside before runningupstairs to comfort Maryam.When I stepped inside the room, I felt the dull and tense atmosphere. And from justone look at mum, I knew she was distraught. Of course she was! She’d just beendivorced. I sat next to her, not knowing what to do or say. She asked me about Adamand Maria and I responded, telling her the latest news such as how their eyes nowfollowed things.“What happened?” I asked after we spoke briefly about the babies. Mum turnedaway from me, her hands shaking slightly while she rested them on her lap.“He asked if Safia should move back with us and I said no. Then he just snapped. Wegot into a huge argument about everything and then…” Mum trailed off and fixedher gaze on the floor, refusing to look my way.17“Why did you have to say something like that? You know he’s really fond of Safia, hesees her as his own daughter. Couldn’t you just keep your feelings towards her in?She’s the mother of your grandchildren.”“It wasn’t even about Safia! He started saying all sorts of things to me. He told mehow I was a terrible mother.” Mum put her head in her hands and took a few deepbreaths to keep her composure.16“You must have argued back. It wouldn’t have gone so far if you had remained quiet.If he was losing it, you should have kept calm.”“I wish I did now. But what’s done is done, right?”“But you can’t keep repeating the same mistake. Can you not see the consequencesof your actions? First, Safia and I had to move. Then Maryam actually ran away fromhere. And now dad has…” It was difficult to say it.“Are you saying this is all my fault?”19“Are you saying it’s not?”2













“I’m sorry. But please understand,” She whispered. I put my arms around her,burying my face into her shoulder. “Dad will come around the idea of you living withus.” Safia’s voice was muffled against my chest. “I know he will when we explaineverything. I hope so anyway. I pray he does. And this way, you can apply to aplumbing agency and become a proper plumber. You can save up for a better housefor all four of us.”9“Okay.” I had little hope that uncle Dawud would approve of me staying with them.2“I’m really sorry I just suddenly sprung this on you. At first I wanted to wait but todayI had a really bad day. They’re both quieter now but all day they were screaming,especially Adam. I couldn’t wait any longer. I’m really sorry though.”1“It’s okay.” I knew I owed her an apology for reacting the way I did, but I was stillhurt and a little angry. “I hope we’re not apart for too long. I’m going to miss you somuch.” Safia moved her head back to look at me. I could see now how much she hadchanged since the birth of Adam and Maria. She looked completely worn out andtired. I stroked her cheek tenderly.8“In’sha’allah things will work out fine. You can come by whenever you want though.Dad won’t oppose that.” I just nodded while Safia let go of me and turned away.I spent that one night, cherishing my family. In the morning, they were gone. Thehouse was empty and I never felt more alone.

Chapter 71.Safia's POVI tried to be nice and wait for an appropriate time to talk to Yusuf about moving backto my parents' house. I waited nearly a week to talk to him. In the end, I just gaveup. It was that last day at home which did it. It made me lose my rationality and acton emotions alone which can be very dangerous.1In that last week, Yusuf was less affectionate than before. This made me feel kind ofinsecure. I couldn't blame him though; he had a lot on his mind. But it seemed mostof his attention was now on Adam and Maria, meaning I was receiving less attention.It was understandable and Ididn't blame him but weird thoughts and worries keptplaguing my mind. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Well, therewas a lot wrong with me. My stomach still stuck out, my hair started to fall, my skinhad lost its glow and I was getting dark circles. All in all, I felt like I looked ugly andfor that reason, I must have been harder to love.5Day by day I was feeling more worthless and useless. I thought I was prepared tobecome a mother. Ever since my nephew Zidan was a few months old, I wasdetermined I was ready. I knew how to do everything. But it wasn't the 'how to takecare of babies' which was the problem. I wasn't prepared for the emotionalrollercoaster and the huge responsibility. It occurred to me properly then how spoiltI was before. Not spoilt with material things but spoilt with love. I had noresponsibilities and no one depending on me.I tried to be considerate of Yusuf. I tried to support him through his parents' divorce.But I failed. We were both miserable. Mum came around again while Yusuf was atwork and made me make an appointment with a doctor. Then she told me how shehad talked with dad and they said I could stay around for a few months. But mumadded that dad was refusing to let Yusuf stay because there were already too manypeople and grown daughters in the house.\"But Amy stays there and she's not Amaan's mahram,\" I retorted feeling a littleoutraged with dad's stubbornness. How would I be able to stay with them withoutYusuf? I thought that I'd prefer being at home with Yusuf despite the struggle.\"Amaan's only fifteen. There's over seven years of a difference between them.Amaan hasn't even fully grown yet. His beard has only started growing. But Zaynaand even Hafsa, who's always around without her hijab, it's not fair on them to haveto cover up in their own homes.\"

\"Then you can say it's not fair on Amy to cover up either.\"\"And that is why Hamza is looking for a place for himself and Amy.\" I opened mymouth to speak but mum continued. \"This is what your dad said. He knows Yusuf isvery loyal to you but do you think it would be okay for him to live under the sameroof as two other beautiful women?\" She meant Zayna and Amy. \"Three if you addHafsa.\" That's what did it. I had been rejected twice because men preferred Hafsa.Deep down, I knew Yusuf was a loyal man. That wouldn't be a problem. But in thatstate of unsureness and feeling horrid about myself, I gave in.Thought I had made my mind up about staying, my resolve broke when I wasattempting to shower but couldn't because I heard one of the children's cries. It hadbeen four days since I last showered. It was the last straw.\"Why are you crying?\" I asked in disbelief. \"I fed you, changed you, put you to sleep.Why?\" I know it made no difference for me to talk with them but I hadn't evenwashed the shampoo out of my hair properly and here I was in a gown staring at thecrying child. I finally got time to shower and once I was done, then came the hardestpart of my day.The children were asleep and I was left to my own thoughts. That was driving meinsane. I was sure then that I was definitely suffering from depression. I wasn'tthinking straight. I knew there were others in much worse situations than me and Iknew some wished they were in my shoes. I was young, married and just had twobeautiful children. But to me, I was too young to be a mum who was left alone halfthe day and was going crazy. I felt worthless and I hated my sight in the mirror. I feltlike a terrible mother and a terrible wife. I couldn't do anything right. How was Igoing to cope with these two lives depending on me? Everything sat on my heartheavily and I'd burst into tears numerous times. What made it worse is that I knew Ishould have been grateful but the imbalance of hormones inside me disagreed.2That was why I acted selfishly. That was why I snapped and suddenly started packing.It wasn't a justifiable act, but I'd had enough. Without any ration and reason, it madesense to me. I packed up, left Yusuf and came to my parents' house. 1I felt guilty but also a little shocked. Yusuf was acting like I was leaving him forever. Iwondered if that was maybe something to do with his parents' divorce. I didn'texpect such a heartbroken expression on his face when I left and I didn't reallyexpect his pleas for me to stay either.3

Mum said I should only come if Yusuf was completely okay with it. That was why,when she asked about what Yusuf thought of all this, I replied,\"We left on good terms.\" It sounded a bit like what someone would say about abreakup. In a way it was, only temporarily though. Mum looked suspicious but let itslide, probably because my suitcase and bags with the babies' things were alreadyinside.Everyone at home wanted to hold Adam and Maria. It gave me a little break fromconstantly worrying about them. It made me understand why Aisha was alwaysdumping her children on others. But just because something was understandable, itdidn't make it right. I was determined for the children to be ultimately myresponsibility.1Mum and dad agreed Yusuf could visit whenever he wanted. Then Yusuf's visitsstarted. Every single day he'd come after work to see the babies. On his days off,he'd come a little earlier. It became a routine.During that time, I went to my doctor's appointment. So mum was right. They said Iwas suffering from postnatal depression. The doctor prescribed someantidepressants. After that, mum saw to it that I was taking my pills properly and ontime. It was around then I was able to start praying again too. That made a slightdifference.But it wasn't all great. Whereas most people were supportive, some people keptgetting angry at the way I was behaving. Aisha constantly complained about mebeing a grump and then she came to a point when she snapped at me.\"You have everything in your life working out for you but you sit here everyday withan expression like your cat died or something. You know, you're lucky Yusuf hasn'tdivorced you yet. If it were any other man, you wouldn't have a husband by now.Sitting here like a queen at your mum's house, leaving your husband alone andhaving everyone stepping on eggshells around you.\"11\"Aisha!\" My mum shouted. For someone who never shouts, it meant she was seriousand I even I was shaking from her tone. \"The doctor has given her anti-depressants,this isn't a joke. Your sister is suffering. Do not speak to her like that.\"\"It's an excuse, mum. I've had three kids. I stayed at home and I've been fine.\"5

\"Not everyone deals with things the same way. Go take your kids to a one bedroomflat where you can barely afford your own children's clothes. Stay home alone allday with two babies. Look at her, for Allah's sake, look at your sister. She's not beingher usual self because she's not well. You think making her feel guilty will make herfeel better? Does stabbing a wound make the wound get better?\" I looked betweenmy mum and sister speechlessly. Then I felt tears choking me again and I ran to thenext room. Hamza found me there and sat next to me, watching me cry.2\"Ignore her. You know when she gets stressed, she comes and takes it out on ussometimes,\" he said.\"But she's right, isn't she?\"\"No, she isn't. You look like you've had your life sucked out of you. You should stayand get better. Ignore the people who make you feel worse. Mark my words, oneday, this will all be in the past. You and Yusuf will be living in a better home with thekids and all of this will just be a distant memory. In'sha'Allah everything will be bettersoon,\" Hamza said, ruffling my hair.2It was a whole month before I started feeling any change though. I had a lot ofsupport and I was praying regularly like I used to. Slowly, I began to feel closer toAdam and Maria. I was fascinated that they were my children, my little babies. Mylove for them was growing each day. I also got used to Adam's name and thoughtthe name was perfect for my son. Yes, it was little common but it suited him so well.Things had started getting better.Only one thing was missing. He was here everyday but he wasn't really here likebefore. We didn't even get a chance to speak much. And I missed Yusuf. I talked tohim little when he came around. I spoke more on the phone to him before he wentto sleep. But with his new job taking up his time, those phone calls were cuttingdown too.At night, I couldn't sleep. I'd stay awake, waiting for one of the kids to let out a shriek.Sometimes after feeding them, I'd cry for Yusuf and check my phone for any newmessages. I missed him so much. I'd reread all our conversations, scrolling right tothe top reading silly messages from months ago.1

Yusuf told me his dad had moved in with him and I was happy to know he wasn'talone. In the time that we weren't living together, he'd joined a plumbing agencyand slowly became a full time plumber. He left his job as a teacher, I heard that fromHamza. I was missing all these changes in his life. It was as if he was becoming astranger to me.8It was uncle Yahya who noticed that Yusuf and I were barely spending any timetogether. Why no one else noticed, I don't know. It was rather obvious. He suggestedthat Yusuf stay over a night every now and then. He'd stayed a few nights in myparents' house with me before, such as when it was Hamza and Amy's walima.I found it a little awkward at first while it was being discussed. Why didn't he justsuggest Yusuf and I go on a date to spend time together? Then again, draggingaround two babies on a date wasn't a proper date. That was unless I left them athome. But they got hungry quickly. There were other ways of feeding, such asbottled milk. But any second I was away from them made me feel worried. I guessuncle Yahya knew me too well. So it was settled.Once a week, Yusuf would stay the night around my parents' house. But I still feltthere was a distance between us which was slowly increasing. For some reason, Iblamed it on him for not talking to me. That was until one night, while he was stayingover, he said with some grief in his voice,\"Why don't you talk to me anymore?\" He was sitting up, looking down at me while Ilay there, playing with my slowly thinning hair.1\"I do talk to you.\"\"Not properly like you used to. We haven't had a full decent conversation sinceyou've come here. I'm starting to worry.\"\"Worry about what?\" Yusuf paused, as if he was considering saying more.\"Okay, I've decided that I'm going to be completely honest and tell you. I'm not goingto hide anything from you, like you did from me.\" That was obvious disapproval withhow I left home nearly two months ago.\"I told you I'm sorry.\" I did tell him I was sorry, numerous times.

\"I know. It's just that I miss you when I'm at home. Anyway, now that dad's livingwith me, he's trying to bond with me or something. He talks to me a lot, sharing hisworries and all. That day when you came here, dad said that he and mum were oncelike me and you. He told me not to become a stranger to you. Then you just saidyou're leaving.\"\"I'm really sorry. Can we stop bringing that up though? I feel like it kills me a littleinside every time I think about it.\" I said and Yusuf sighed.\"Okay. But what I'm trying to say is that dad keeps telling me how to not end up likehim. He says we should talk more and I try but you sound like you don't want to talkto me.\"\"I do talk to you! You don't talk to me! You didn't even tell me you left that job as ateacher.\"\"I'm sorry about that. It slipped out of my mind. What I'm trying to say is that weneed to live together again. Dad said he'll move when you come back. And I'm savingfor a bigger place anyway. So you can move back with me now. You said you feelbetter than before.\" It was true, I did feel better.\"Not yet.\" I didn't want to go back to feeling completely useless, unloved, tired andinsecure.\"Tell me why. What's on your mind?\" I hesitated before I told him exactly what I wasthinking.\"I don't want to go back to feeling completely useless, unloved, tired and insecure.\"4\"How on earth are you useless or unloved? You're raising two children and I loveyou. And why should you be insecure? I thought you were over that.\"\"It's no use saying these things. You don't understand, once you're in that frame ofmind, in that depressed state, it's different. It's easy to just look and say, oh don't beinsecure, you're not useless, you're loved, put your trust in Allah and everything willbe fine. I said these things to myself over and over but it doesn't work like that. It'snot so easy. It's much easier said than done. And then people make you feel so guiltyabout it so then you're feeling all these things and then also feeling ungrateful andguilty. It's like a never-ending pit of despair and it drags you down deeper anddeeper. Do you know what that's like?\" It was weird to let it all out. But it was likeYusuf's eyes were begging for me to say everything I felt.1

\"Maybe I don't completely understand. But I am trying. I want to... How shall I putthis? I want us to be like we used to be. I know it can't be the same because of thechildren but we can try.\"\"So you think if I move in everything will be okay?\"\"I feel like we can only talk properly if we live together again. And Safia, we reallyneed to talk more. You're my wife. I'm supposed to share everything with you.\"\"And just by talking everything will be okay?\" I asked and Yusuf nodded. \"I don't wantto move just yet. But we can try to talk more. But then you have to talk to me too. Iwant to know everything going on in your life straight away from you.\"\"I don't want it to me my life and your life. Can't it be our life?\"\"Are you getting all of this from your dad?\"\"I'm learning from his mistakes. He's also teaching me from his mistakes.\"\"Good.\" That's when Yusuf and I made a deal. We promised we'd talk more often.But there still felt like there was a distance between us. Slowly, that distance becamethe only thing from me reaching my happiness again.That's when I began to pray that Yusuf and I would reconnect and fix our bond.Distance was a horrible thing. I loved Yusuf loads and that was why I wanted to be aproper wife again. After every one of my five prayers, I put my hands together andprayed to Allah that my relationship with Yusuf becomes stronger.And it did.2When the children were three months old, Yusuf came around. By then I was twentytwo years old but I felt much older. It was a cold day yet all the boys decided to goto the backyard and play football. I stood outside too, just at the side to stare atthem while they had their fun.\"Yusuf, you're ankle's going to hurt badly,\" I warned.\"A little bit of football won't do any harm.\" After a little game of football, they playedanother game in which they kicked the ball to each other, keeping it up in the airwithout letting it touch the floor. As I watched them, I felt happy. The kind ofhappiness I hadn't felt in over two months. It was a bit of happiness and I thought itwas the end of my depression and the beginning of more happiness.

That was until someone called me in.3\"Safia, come here!\" Amy called. I walked inside to where she was calling me. \"Safia,what are these dry red patches on Adam?\"\"Red? Let me see.\" His cheeks were a little red and dry, and there were a few patcheson his arms. I took his clothes off and found a few more. \"Mum!\" I called. Mum cameand I showed her.\"That doesn't look good.\"\"His skin was a little dry before so I put some baby oil on it from time to time. Maybethis is why he's been crying more lately. I gave him gripe water thinking it might bea stomach ache. Why is it red?\" I asked, feeling slightly panicky.\"Could be a rash,\" Mum replied inspecting it. \"I think you should make anappointment.\" I nodded. I called Yusuf in an asked him to make the appointmentwhile I checked Adam over some more.\"You need to make a doctor's appointment for Adam,\" I told him.\"Why? What's wrong with him?\" He bent over Adam and I showed him the redpatches.\"I think this is why he's been crying more lately.\"\"What is that?\" He asked, looking worried.\"Mum said it could be a rash.\" Yusuf got his phone out.\"Only one way to be certain, right?\" He phoned the doctors and tried to make anappointment. He couldn't get one quick enough. He was obviously too worried toagree to an appointment a week away. \"My three month old son is suffering fromsome sort of rash; can you not give any appointment quicker than next weekThursday?\" After a lot of arguing, he managed to get a number for another doctors'clinic who gave the appointment for two o'clock the next day.So we attended that appointment the next day. The doctor inspected Adam and toldus he had eczema. I wasn't too worried at first. My nephew Musa had eczema andit wasn't too bad. But Adam's was different. That was the first appointment of manyappointments to come.1