“Really.” Hamza was fighting back a smile while he looked down. “Do you like her?”“Well… Yeah. I mean… She’s… Yeah.”46“Wow. So this is how you act when you like a girl. Interesting. I feel like I’m observingan animal in a zoo, that’s how out of character your behaviour is.”51“Shut up.” Hamza said with a half-smile as he left the room. I went back to my roomto tell Amy the good news. First step of my mission was completed successfully. Icouldn’t wait to tell Yusuf!
Chapter 41.Yusuf’s POVAll week I was tense, stressed and worried but when Saturday came, Safia managedto loosen me up. I barely spent any time with her during the week, which wasprobably why I was feeling so awful.As agreed, Sundays were dedicated to my family. Despite everything my mum didand would maybe continue to do, she was my mother. I owed her more than I couldever repay. The least I could do was visit her and see if she was okay. It comfortedme to know that if my mum ever had an issue, Javed would be there to help her. Iwish I could have helped too but Safia and I were barely managing ourselves letalone helping anyone else.Sunday morning, as usual, I woke up over an hour earlier than Safia. Every week dayshe made me breakfast so it was only fair that I return the favour. I watched hersleep for a little while before showering and making breakfast. I checked my phoneto see four text messages from Maryam asking about when I was going to come. Ifelt really bad for Maryam so I woke Safia up. But waking Safia up wasn’t an easy job.I had to keep shaking her and threatening her that I’d pull the covers. She finallyawoke and we got ready to go see our families.9Now that we were alone, Safia was really opening up. I was glad. She was no longershy with me and I think she saw me as a best friend. I hoped so. I’ve had close friendsbut not ones that I couldn’t go days without seeing. They were more like the kindthat I’d see in the mosque and talk to for hours. But Safia, obviously being my wife,was different. Unlike any of my friends, she sensed when something was wrong andknew exactly how to make me feel better. The only other person who could maybehave done that was Maryam.The initial infatuation I had when we were first married was now settling. I didn’tthink of Safia as much as I used to and my heart didn’t race as fast when I was aroundher. But I was comfortable and happy with her. I was certain that I loved her morethan ever before. I loved how she was supportive of everything I did. She never oncecomplained about the lack of money or the size of our flat. She had an optimisticoutlook on this situation but I wondered how long it would last.5“So you are going to talk to Hamza right?” Safia asked for the hundredth time on theway to her parents’ house.
“Yes! I told you already, yes. I will talk to him about Amy.”“I was just checking one last time. I’m so excited! If they both agree, Amy might needa wali.” (Guardian – Bride’s representative) Safia said thinking.“How about Uncle Yahya? He’s well respected in this community, pious and older.”“Shouldn’t it be like a leader or something? Do we have leaders in the Muslimcommunity?”“I wish we had proper leaders. But I think Uncle Yahya should suffice. He leads someprayers from time to time and sometimes does the Friday khutbahs.” (Sermon)1“Okay. I’ll ask him. I want to wear this really nice peach coloured dress I saw for theirwedding.”“Aren’t you planning a bit far ahead?” I asked as I pulled up the car while the GPSsaid you have reached your destination. I still had to learn the route.“Well we got married in two months of acknowledging each other’s existence!Anyway, I’ll see you later today in’sha’allah. Asalamu’alaykum.” She said as sheexited the car.1“Wa’alaykumsalaam” I watched her enter the house before I drove off.I went to pray then, when I got home, I should start saying my parents’ home, thedoor was already open. I went inside and immediately started coughing.“Asalamu’alaykum.” Maryam said, not in her usual chirpy tone.“Wa’alaykumsalaam. What happened?”“I may have tried to attempt making bread at home and then left it in the oven andforgot about it. Then it got burnt and made the whole house smell.” She had herhands behind her back and wouldn’t meet my eye. I slowly clapped with sarcasm.“Well done sister. I’m proud of you.”1“It’s not my fault! We can’t all be Safias.” I went further inside the house.“Where is everyone?”“Mum’s sorting out my mess, dad’s gone to get the car cleaned and fill it with petroland Javed’s upstairs. He’s sick I think. Or really grumpy. Or a bit of both.”
“How are you getting on with him?” Maryam and Javed never really had anyproblems. But they didn't have the best brother and sister relationship either.“It’s going as normal. He got me another Wii game and he gave me some pocketmoney.”“That’s nice.” We talked some more before I went to the kitchen to see mum. Shewas using a knife and scraping burnt bits off a tray.“Asalamu’alaykum mum. You can give me that, I’ll do it.”“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” She whispered as she handed the tray and knife to me. Shewalked out of the kitchen. Mum was still angry with me. I had to do something toget her to forgive me.1By the time I finished cleaning the tray and the burning smell in the house wentdown, dad came home. We greeted each other and sat down to talk.“How’s Safia?” He asked when mum was out of earshot.“She’s good Alhamdulillah.”“I’ve been praying for her. Take me to see her sometime.”2“In’sha’allah next week I’ll take both you and Maryam to see her.”“Don’t let your mother find out.” He said with a sad smile. Despite the flaws in dadthat annoyed me, he was overall a really good person. At times, I couldn’t blame himfor being the way he was. I could tell it wasn’t easy for him being married to mymum. It was sad to see that the strong love of Islam only remained in dad after thehajj trip my mum and dad did one year into their marriage and one year before Javedwas born.I spent most of my time at my parents’ house trying to get mum to talk to meproperly. I offered to massage her shoulders and legs. She didn’t decline the offerbut she still wasn’t speaking to me properly. Then I asked about what was happeningin her dramas. That got her to talk. That was one thing she had in common withSafia. If I was ever to ask Safia about what was happening in Vampire Diaries orsomething, she would talk about it for hours. That reminded me that I should try andconvince Safia to stop watching such shows. But the choice was hers, I could onlyadvise her.6
I made a few jokes with my mum and in the end, we were okay. When I was aboutto leave, I asked mum to give me a hug. It was my way of confirming we were nowfine with each other.“And what if I don’t?” She challenged.“Then I won’t leave.”“Then I’ll never hug you. I didn’t want you to leave in the first place.”14“I had to go one day. And it’s done now. Please let’s put that behind us and focus ona bright future. I will come to see you every week and if you need anything, I’m onephone call away.”3“She doesn’t need you. She’s got me.” Javed said coming down the stairs. I wouldhave been annoyed but his disheveled appearance startled me. Javed always lookedwell groomed but today, his stubble was overgrown and not shaped, he had slightlydark circles around his eyes and his hair was a mess. Not the cool mess he styled itin, a genuine mess.10“You don’t look too good.”“I’m fine. Still better looking than you.” I smiled in response, I actually found thatfunny. Then I put my arms out for mum to hug me. She did so and I hugged her back.“Take care.” She said. I said salaam to them all and left with Maryam waving until Iwas out of sight.I got to the front door hoping Safia would open it. Instead I was greeted by Hamza.I immediately knew he was in a strange mood. He wasn’t being himself. He invitedme in and I said salaam to everyone. Then Safia came running to me, full of energy.“I need to talk to you! Dining room.” She said pulling me by the arm in front of herwhole family.3“What is it? It sounds urgent.”2“I couldn’t wait for you to come so I talked to Amy and Hamza myself. Then I gotHafsa to sit with Amy and went to get Uncle Yahya to ask if he could be Amy’s wali.He agreed and then we broke the news to dad. Then dad and Hamza had a little chatand they agreed that Hamza and Amy should have their first conversation to get toknow each other today because Amy’s already here.”
“Wow, you got all of that done already? You work fast.”6“We all know that patience isn’t my biggest strength. But the outcomes were goodthis time, right?”“Maybe this time, but next time you might not be so lucky. Don’t rush things somuch.”“I didn’t do anything wrong though. Plus it’s good that this is going fast. I think Amyand Hamza may unintentionally be causing each other a little fitnah(temptation/trial). I have never, ever, ever thought Hamza would act the way hedoes when it comes to Amy. Believe me it’s hilarious.”12“How did your family accept her so easily though?”“Well, she’s one of my best friends and I always call her around so they know whatsort of person she is. I used to call her around a lot before too but then she starteddistancing herself.”“That’s what I mean. Are they fine with her past?” I knew Muslim men wanted a wifewho had never been with a man before. But Amy had a serious past with Javed.2“We sympathize with what happened to her. We know it was wrong for her to meetup with him and sort of date but she’s a wonderful person. She always was but nowshe’s even better than before. My mum says she feels closer to Allah with only Amy’spresence. She’s really changed for the best and she deeply regrets her past.” If onlymy family could have been as understanding as Safia’s.“That’s great. So when’s this conversation meeting thing?” I asked.“Well, everyone’s got to go first. It’s going to be held in the living room so the kidsare going upstairs and everyone else is going to Uncle Yahya’s house while UncleYahya, Hamza, Amy and I stay here. You as well of course.”4“I feel like I don’t need to be here. I think I should go too.”“No, I want you to be here. Please? Plus, it’s only fair that if Amy’s friend is here,Hamza’s friend should be too.”“Fine, I’ll stay.”“Yay! Thanks!”
Everyone began leaving and Safia and I sat in the living room. Hafsa came with Amybehind her. Amy sat down as Hafsa said salaam and left with her mum. It was thenAmy, Uncle Yahya, Safia and I sitting and waiting for Hamza to come. It was a fewminutes before he entered.1“Asalamu’alaykum.” He said, not lifting his gaze off the ground.“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” Amy replied. There was a little awkward pause before Amyintroduced herself properly.“My name’s Amaani but everyone calls me by my old name, Amy.”2“Um… My name Hamja.” The colour drained from Hamza’s face as he froze realizingthat not only was his sentence grammatically incorrect, but he got his own namewrong. I felt the sofa vibrate so I looked to my left to see Safia laughing so much thatshe wasn’t even making a sound. I tried my best to bite back my own laughter.Hamza glared at her angrily. Safia took a deep breath to get some oxygen in herlungs.144“And my name Chafia!” She said and she burst out into laughter again.107“My name is Hamza” Hamza said, putting an emphasis on the z.“Safia, calm down now.” Uncle Yahya said but it was clear he was on the verge ofbreaking out into a fit of laughter too. Amy looked highly amused. Hamza eyed thedoor as if contemplating whether he should run out.5“Sorry, sorry! I’m done now.” She said taking another few deep breaths.4“Swiftly moving on, do you have any questions you’d like to ask each other?” UncleYahya said in an attempt to forget what just happened.“Yes I have one.” Amy said. “Safia’s briefly told me but I’d like to hear it from you.What degree do you have and what are your plans for the future?” I didn’t expectAmy to be so confident. Maybe that was because I was so used to Safia being shyaround new people. Hamza cleared his throat.“Err… I graduated with a degree in English last year. I’m planning on maybebecoming a marketing assistant. Um… At the moment I’m just an assistant at err…”He went on stuttering and talking about his job. Amy was satisfied with his answers.Amy asked most of the questions and Hamza just answered. He was a lot calmertowards the end.1
Amy left while we went to the mosque to pray.“What happened to you?” I asked on the way there.“I don’t know. I just… I couldn’t speak. She must think I’m some sort of incompetentfool. My English degree feels like a joke now.”“It wasn’t that bad.”“No, it was bad. Really bad.” I had an urge to laugh again so I didn’t say anymore.Safia was right, this was hilarious.When we got back to Safia’s parents’ house, Safia began to bombard Hamza withquestions.“So, do you like her?” She asked him. “Are you going to marry her? Are you happy?Am I not the best sister ever?” Hamza just ignored her, clearly still upset about Safialaughing at him.+We ate dinner and Safia packed some dinner to take home. We were about to leavewhen Hamza called her.“Safia, wait.” He said, coming to the door where we were stood. “I just wanted tosay, you’re really annoying and embarrassing! But thank you. I appreciate all this.”10“You’re welcome!” Safia grinned happily. Then we went home.
Chapter 42.Safia’s POV7“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine! You make my happy!” I sang making myvoice as high pitched as I could. “When skies are grey!”12“Safia are you singing?\" Yusuf asked from the living room/kitchen. I paused half waythrough vacuuming the bedroom.“You can hear me?”“You’re singing at the top of your lungs, of course I can hear you.” Well that wasembarrassing. I didn’t think I was that loud. I was pretty sure the sound of thevacuum muffled my voice but I guess not. I turned the vacuum off and put it to theside. “Were you singing about me?” Yusuf asked standing at the door.1“Don’t flatter yourself.” He walked up to me and put his arm around my shoulder,pulling me so he could kiss my forehead. “Found some time in your busy schedulefor me then?”“What’s that supposed to mean?” Our plan of spending Saturdays together was notreally going to plan. He was out looking for work and I convinced my manager to letme work on weekends. That meant I could work on Wednesdays and Saturdays only.University was going to start soon so there was no point in getting another job. Soknowing we couldn’t spend Saturdays together, he should have at least tried tomake some time for me during week days. But he’d come home from work ortraining and barely talk. He hadn’t spoken to me properly the whole week and now,Sunday evening he was pretending everything was alright.“Nothing.” I replied.“Okay.” No! How many times does a man need to be told, that a girl does not meanwhat she says! He needed to at least try and get it out of me. Gosh being a girl washard. I was going to sit and sulk for the rest of the evening, hoping that he’d seesomething was wrong and ask me about it.48It took him a whole hour of me sulking to realize that I was in a bad mood.“What’s wrong with you?”“Nothing.” What that really meant was: you not noticing that I’m in a bad moodbecause I’m desperate for your attention.2
“There’s clearly something wrong. If you don’t want to tell me, it’s fine.” What? No,it’s not fine. I sighed and didn’t reply. But when I looked at his face again, I felt soguilty. I was being such a brat that I didn’t notice how worn out and tired Yusuflooked. His head was down as he read the book in his lap. I went super close to hisface and started analyzing him. He moved back and stared as if I was some strangecreature. I was acting like one. “What?”2“Why are you always frowning?” I asked, frowning back at him. His skin was alsopaler than usual and a little dry. He also seemed to be getting wrinkles around hiseyes and on his forehead. Did men in their early 20s even get wrinkles? “You’ve givenyourself frown lines.” I didn’t want to say anything about the crow’s feet at thecorner of his eyes. They were sort of weirdly attractive.“Have you given me a reason not to frown?”11“So you’re saying this is my fault? What did I do to make you frown?” I askedannoyed.“You’ve been moody for the past hour.”“You’ve been frowning for the past month.” I retorted.9“You know I’m a little stressed. You’re not making me feel better.”“How? What did I do?” I knew he was stressed about our living standards. He’dgotten annoyed yesterday at the mildew growing on the walls but why was he takingthat out on me? “I’ve not complained about anything once so why am I the bad guyhere?”“You’re not the bad guy but you just proved my point. You said yourself you’ve notcomplained which means there’s something worth complaining about. I don’t wantyou to have any complaints at all!” It was the same thing, over and over again. Howmany times did I have to tell him that I didn’t need anything more than what I had?I was more than satisfied!“For the last time, I am fed up of having this stupid conversation! I am happy. I’mhappy just being with you. But I am not happy seeing you get depressed and blamingyourself when there’s nothing to give any blame to!” I stomped away into thebedroom slamming the door behind me. I got into the covers feeling frustrated. Myhormones were all over the place due to the fact that I was about to start mymonthlies soon.18
“Safia.” I heard Yusuf say a few minutes later. He knocked on the door. “Safia, can Icome in?” I didn’t reply so I heard him come in anyway. I dug myself deeper into thecovers. I felt him lie down next to me. “You’re angry at me, aren’t you?” He tried topull the cover off my head but I held onto it tight. “Okay, I’m sorry.” I stuck my headout from under the covers.10“I hate this repetitiveness. I hate that you’re worrying for no reason. I hate thatyou’re working yourself into exhaustion. Even then, you barely sleep. Every time Iwake up during the night, you’re awake staring at the ceiling.”1“I said I’m sorry.”“I love you Yusuf. When you get upset, I get twice as upset.”16“Really? Is that why you were singing while vacuuming?”“I was singing because Sara got the song stuck in my head today. She started nurseryand that’s one of the songs her teachers taught her. Why do they teach childrensongs? Poor Sara, she has to grow up learning such things.”32“Your singing wasn’t bad though. It was completely out of tune and nearly made myeardrums burst but it wasn’t bad.” I stuck my tongue out at him. Then I got my phoneout to check my messages. After a while, Yusuf spoke. “So tell me, how far have youcome with this Hamza and Amy thing?” Finally, he was attempting a conversationwith me.“Amy’s still too scared to tell her parents about anything. She said her father’s onlyjust started speaking to her again so she doesn’t want to ruin that.” Hamza and Amyhad another meeting after the first hilarious one. I would have been bothered byhow slow things were now going, it had been a few weeks since the last meeting,but I was so glad that Amy was making amends with her father that I didn’t care.“Yusuf, I’m sorry about being annoying. My emotions are all over the place.” I said,feeling my guilt growing.5“It’s okay.” He put his arm around me as we lay in silence for a while. Then he asked,“When are you starting university?”2“Don’t remind me. It’s the week after next week.” I didn’t want to go back and doessays and stress over exams.2“I thought you were looking forward to it.” I shook my head. I felt that if I started uniagain, I’d have less time with Yusuf. And I was right.
Soon enough, university did start. My last week off was spent in pain because of mymonthlies, but at least my hormones were under control at the beginning of my finalyear of university. It wasn’t too bad to be back at uni because I got to make somenew friends.9Yusuf got a slightly better job but that meant he was working Saturdays too. He wasstill in retail but he was getting paid better. I was glad because now our expenseshad gone up. I couldn’t contribute all my money to the flat and necessities becauseI had to pay for travel and study packs. We also still needed to get Wi-Fi so I coulddo some research for my courses at home.Interaction between Yusuf and I was decreasing significantly. I was getting homeduring the evening with only an hour to prepare dinner before Yusuf arrived. Thenwe’d eat, he’d wash up and I’d do my wudhu (ablution). While I would pray my Salah,Yusuf would do his wudhu and go to the mosque. When he’d come back, I’d begetting ready for bed. Then, he’d get ready for bed and I’d get into bed. That wasthe only time we might have muttered a few words to each other before we fellasleep. This was becoming our routine.7I didn’t really give it much thought as I was too preoccupied by my university work.I had all this sudden motivation to work hard after everyone asked me about lastyear’s results which I was embarrassed about. They weren’t bad but I wasn’t happywith them. The average grades could have been because I got married, but I think itwas more because I let myself procrastinate. I gave into all the distractions too easily.I couldn’t blame my marriage, it was my fault.2But I was determined to do better so I began the year off with full concentration. Ifinished the readings on the day they were given. I read all the extra readings theygave and began my first set of essays as soon as I could. I finished all the Arabic workthey gave straight after lectures and seminars.1My excitement for Hamza and Amy getting married died down a little. Amy was stillbonding with her dad and I had to respect that. Hamza was also becoming less shyand strange when Amy was mentioned. One Sunday, I was teasing Hamza as usual.“Hamja! What would Amy say if you did that in front of her?” He was blowing on methrough a straw. Disgusting.4“She’d say it’s really hot. She’ll find everything I do hot.”18
“I’m certain she doesn’t find your stuttering and grammatical errors in your speechhot.”1“Lies! You said she found it cute.” Why did I have to tell him that? Amy foundeverything Hamza did cute.3“There is nothing cute or hot about blowing on someone through a straw. I swear Ican feel your spit.” I said taking it out of his hand.1“It wasn’t spit, it was juice.”1“Why are you drinking juice from a carton anyway? How old are you?”“Sara gave it to me. She drank half of it and I couldn’t waste it now, could I?” Hewaggled his finger at me.4“You’re disgusting. I feel so sorry for Amy. I blame myself for this. I wonder if Amywill ever forgive me!” I said dramatically.“You set her up with me. If we get married, she’s going to feel like she owes youforever.”2“I miss the awkward Hamja around Amy. He was so much better than normal you. Ithink I need to call her around some time so you could stop being so irritating.”7“Any version of me is lovable because it’s me.” He walked out the door with his headheld high.9“You have a big head! Metaphorically and literally!” I shouted after him.6A few days later when Amy called me telling me some good news, some bad newsand asking for my advice.“I told my mum.” She informed me. “She said she wants to meet Hamza but my dadstill doesn’t know.”“So that’s the good news?”“Yeah but the bad news is that my mum’s become more sick recently. She’ll recover,she always does. But I’m not sure how long it will take. I wanted to ask, what shouldI do? Should I take dad out and you can bring Hamza to meet my mum maybe?”1“Okay, I’ll ask Hamza.”
“But what shall I do about my dad? He won't be happy if I got married to Hamza.”Why was she asking me? I didn’t know. I hated this feeling. I wanted to help but Ihad no idea how I could.“Maybe talk to him?”“No, he’ll chop off my head and stick it on a spike and put it on display at out frontdoor. Could you talk to him please?”2“Me? What do you want me to say? No, I think this is a bad idea.”“No, it’s a great idea!” I could almost feel the idea forming in her head. “You canprove to my dad that majority of Muslims are good people. I’m pretty sure he knowsthat already deep down. His pride and stubbornness is just getting in the way. Butmaybe you can give him that extra push to accept me with his whole heart. PleaseSafia? Please!” I gave in. Maybe if it worked, that one bit of reward could possiblybe my ticket to Jannah (heaven). I needed to collect all the rewards I had anopportunity to get.2“Fine, I’ll do it.”“Thank you so much! My prayers are forever with you!” She said sounding relieved.“I know.” We talked some more. Then she asked the common question thateveryone asked me.“How are things with Yusuf?”“Good.” I replied automatically without thinking. But were they good? “Actually, Idon’t get to spend much time with him anymore.”“Hmm.” I still think Amy didn’t like Yusuf because of her history with his family. Itirked me that she couldn’t forgive him and be completely happy for me. Then again,she only had my best interests at heart.I felt like I had to prove to her that he was a great man for me. Our relationship wasamazing. So we were busy these days and didn’t get much time to spend togetherbut things were fine! Weren’t they? Of course they were. I think.
Chapter 43.Yusuf’s POV6I had to get better job, it was my only option. I was distracted with finding a betterjob that I didn’t realize I was apparently neglecting Safia until she said,“Found some time in your busy schedule for me then?” I felt really bad but I didn’tsay much in case we got into an argument. She had to understand that I was doingthis for her. Silence was the best way to avoid any disagreements but it seemed tome that my silence angered her. But I later apologized and she did so too.After weeks of searching for a job, I got an unexpected phone call from someonewho never called me.“Javed?” I asked picking up the phone. Maybe he sat on it and it accidentally dialedmy number.13“Salaam Yusuf.” Wow! He said salaam to me. I was getting freaked out.5“Wa’alaykumsalaam. Is everything okay?” As the shock wore down, differentscenarios began forming in my mind. Maybe there was an accident or maybesomeone’s ill.“Yeah. I need to talk to you.”“Me?” I couldn’t remember the last time Javed needed to talk to me. It was probablynever.10“Can we meet up?” He sounded a little irritated at my surprise.“Okay.” I said unsurely. We agreed he would come to my workplace while I was onmy lunch break.“Don’t tell anyone. Not even Safia.” I didn’t really know how to react. This wasstrange.1So the following week, I sat at a local dingy café eating my homemade sandwicheswaiting for Javed to arrive. He came while I was swallowing my last bite. He lookeda little neater than he did a couple of weeks ago but the bags under his eyes and hisdull expression remained.5“Asalamu’alaykum.” I said.
“Wa’alaykumsalaam.” There was an awkward silence. I cleared my throat but theawkwardness continued.“Well this is nice.” I commented and Javed smiled a little. We made small talk beforeJaved mentioned the purpose of his visit.“I told you I’ve got to tell you something. Promise me you’ll keep this between usfor now.”“Of course.” Now I was really curious. “What’s up?”“I’ve not been feeling well lately. I thought nothing of it until I realized I wasn’tgetting better. I went to the doctors and they gave me some bad news. I was still indenial so I did some research of my own and now I’m worried.”“Right. What did the doctors say?” Oh Allah, I prayed, please don’t make this what Ithink it is.“Well, they’re not entirely sure but I seem to have symptoms of cancer. I have anappointment coming up just to confirm things. I’d appreciate it if you could come.”My jaw must have been hanging and I couldn’t form any words. I knew things likethis happened but I never expected this to happen to Javed. And now he was askingme to help him. Of all people, me!64“So sorry to hear that.” I practically whispered.“Nobody died Yusuf. And it’s not even final. Are you going to come?”“Yeah, sure.” Javed looked like there was more he wanted to get off his chest. “Howmuch of your lunch break do you have left?”“Erm… Around half an hour.” I managed to say. What was happening didn’t feel realat all. “If you have anything more to say, just say it.” I said hoping that he had somegood news. Usually with bad new there was some good news.1“I’ve been thinking…” He put his hands together as he looked down. “Safia saidsomething to me about a man dying young and how I should re-evaluate my life.”6“When did she say that?” I couldn’t even recall Safia and Javed ever having aconversation.“On Eid. I tried talking to her and I made a little joke about Amy. She’s a bit touchyon that topic.”
“Can you blame her? Anyway, carry on.”“At first, it annoyed me. But then when I came back from the doctors’, I did start re-evaluating my life. I can’t remember the last time I truly did something good forsomeone. If I do have cancer and I do die soon, what will happen? I always thoughtI’d have the rest of my life to figure things out. I wanted to do what I wanted andthen become religious around the age of forty.”9“That’s a horrible plan.”15“I see that now.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “If… If this is all real,do you think I have any hope?”“Yeah, Allah is the most merciful. We don’t call Him ar-Rahman for nothing. Besides,cancer’s curable.”10“I’m not sure there is a cure for the one I might have.” I didn’t believe it. I couldn’tbring myself to even ask what cancer the doctor said he might have. I didn’t want toknow in fear of the truth. “I’m not growing a beard though. Nor am I going to weara thobe.”9“So you’re considering becoming practicing?” I asked, my heart filled with joy at theidea. Maybe this was the good news.“I have to try. This feels like a wakeup call. I had this dream as well. I’m not one toget scared but, it was pretty vivid and quite frightening.”5“I won’t ask you to delve into that. Just tell me when this appointment is, I’ll comewith you.” Javed gave me the information about where and when his appointmentwas. Then he decided to change the subject.“So… Man City won the title. Liverpool were really close though.” That was one thingJaved and I shared in common, our interest in Football. (Soccer)44“I didn’t even get to watch many of Liverpool’s games this year. I’m sort of gladnow.” We continued discussing football until I had only five minutes left to get backto work.“Why don’t you get a better job? That place makes you work too many hours fornowhere near as much as you should be earning.” Javed said getting up with me.“I’m looking but there aren’t many jobs available.”
“I know someone who’s looking for a worker. The job’s similar but better pay. I’llmention you to him if you want.”11“Yeah, I’d really appreciate that.” We said our goodbyes and went our separateways.It wasn’t until I got home and really thought about everything Javed told me, that Istarted feeling panicked. No matter what he’d done to me, he was my brother. Theidea that it was possible that Javed’s last heartbeat was written to be some timesoon, made me tremble. Only Allah knew when death would strike.3I saw Safia talking on the phone to her sister Zayna and for a moment I really enviedher. I prayed nothing happened to her family member but if something was tohappen, at least it wouldn’t leave her with regrets. They all had such a strong bond.I, on the other hand, would be left with so many regrets which would burden mysoul until I died. I needed to fix things with my family. It’s not like I ever tried to be agood brother to Javed. I only ever fought and blamed him for the bad relationshipwe had. My head felt like it was going to explode. There was too much guilt andanxiety growing inside of me.2I tried to bring myself to talk to Safia; she was supposed to be my lifelong companionafter all. But I promised Javed I wouldn’t mention this. I wanted to pour out my heartand my worries but I knew how Safia functioned. If I were to tell her I was upset,she’d be even more upset and then blame herself for not being able to help. Shewas happy these days trying to get Amy and Hamza together and focusing on herstudies. If she were to know the things going through my mind, she would be sodistracted from her learning. It was better I left her to do her own thing.4There was something else I was hiding from Safia. She usually noticed but she wascaught up in her own world so much that she didn’t. I was glad she didn’t because itjust made me feel embarrassed when she asked me if I was okay. My arthritis wasbeginning to flare up a lot. I secretly took the painkillers the doctors prescribed butit wasn’t helping very well. The pain was driving me mad but I tried my best not tolet it show.13Javed postponed his appointment and moved it to a later date. I was a little annoyedat him. I hated not knowing whether he really had cancer or not. I prayed after everySalah that he would recover and be in the best of health. If anything were to happento him, I didn’t want mum to lose the little faith she had left. A part of me felt as ifhe was more comfortable not knowing the truth and was afraid to face it.
He kept to his word though and arranged an interview for me. I ended up gettingthe job which was at least one good thing that happened. Safia was really pleased. Ithought it was because she was happy we had more money but then she also said,“I’m glad, at least you can stop being so hard on yourself now. Your smile meansmore to me than any amount of wealth.”15“I must have done a very pleasing act in my life to have been blessed with you.” Iresponded and Safia grinned.5There was a down side to this new job though. The shifts I was given started later inthe morning which meant I would come home late in the evening. I didn’t like thethought of Safia being home alone. But she told me that she now spent extra timein university after her lectures to do research. She aimed to get home an hour beforeI did every day to make us some dinner.I hated how quiet it had become between us. I wondered often whether she noticedit and what she thought about it. Safia was now the most important person in mylife so I didn’t like this distance. It was partially my fault but I was only trying toprotect her from feeling anything unhappy.No matter how optimistic I tried to be, a part of me was miserable. I felt like I wasgoing through a storm but storms passed. I just prayed it didn’t break me on theway.
Chapter 44.Safia’s POVI was in a really foul mood. One of the reasons for that was Yusuf. I knew he wasgoing to his parents’ house early today because they had guests coming around andAunt Jerry said Yusuf had to be there in the morning. But he hadn’t even woken meup before leaving. He left me a little note saying he was gone. I phoned him andasked him why he didn’t wake me.“You looked so peaceful in your sleep.” Was his reply.“You should have told me. It’s not nice waking up to an empty place.”“Alright, I’m sorry. I’ve got to go now.” Then he hung up.3The other reason for my bad mood was Amy. She said she was going to pick me upin her dad’s car but then she told me she couldn’t make it at the last minute so I hadto take a bus. And it was a cold day. Winter had begun which always made me feeldown.3Just to top things off, as I was sat on the bus, someone I knew came and said helloto me. She was a girl who I used to talk to from time to time in my college days. Shewas nice but a bit too overly bubbly and happy and ever so slightly fake. A couple oftimes she had made sly insulting remarks which I tried so hard to forget.“Hey Saf!” That was a nickname I disliked more than Safi.1“It’s Safia.” I reminded her. ”Salaam Alisha.”6“Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen you in so long! What have you been up to?”“Not much.”“Let me guess. Did your parents take you back home and get you married off to aboy you were unknowingly betrothed to at birth?” She said laughing. She always hadsomething against my lifestyle. I was apparently too strict of a Muslim for herstandards. It was fine by me if she didn’t continuously hint things like that. I thoughtshe would have changed but she was still the same. I glared at her. I stopped myselffrom giving any sort of response thinking she wasn’t worth it. “Hey come on, smile!It’s sunnah.” I could almost hear the mockery in her voice.10
“I’ll smile if you do a simple very important thing a Muslim should do. Be nice.” Herface fell a little.4“What do you mean? I am being nice.”“I know what you meant by saying my parents took me back home to get me marriedoff. You think just because I try to practice Islam that I won’t be able to marrysomeone of my choice? Well I did marry someone of my choice.”“I was only joking, ugh.”3“Don’t ugh me.” Keep cool Safia, I told myself.4“What is wrong with you?”“What’s wrong with you? I’m not that same old Safia that you can think you canlaugh at.” I started silently praying, Oh Allah, please get her off the bus. I don’t knowhow but you are the all-Powerful. Please have it written in her Qadr (fate) that sheis to get off at the next stop.“Touchy much?” She said rolling her eyes.“Fake much?” I retorted. She looked a little shocked and stood up. It was two stopslater when she finally pressed the button meaning she was going to get off at thenext stop. In that much time, I was thinking of my behaviour. I was being a littlemean. She was mean too but that didn’t give me a right to be so rude.8“Alisha, I’m sorry. I just had a rough morning and I didn’t mean to be so rude.”“Hm.” She pushed the hair from her face, gave me a dirty look and walked off. I triedto get rid of the mental image I had in my brain of clawing her face off.12The bus ride was so long. It only got better towards the end when an elderly womancame and sat next to me. First she gave me a bright smile and then looked as if shewas trying to think of something to talk about.“It’s getting a bit chilly now isn’t it?” I said and she looked delighted that I wasspeaking to her.3“Oh yes. And look, they have the bus windows open. In the summer they had themclosed and now they have them open.” I got up and closed the windows.1“Better?”
“Thank you dear. Much better.” We continued speaking until I had to get off. Thatwas pleasant. It just went to show that not all non-Muslims were brainwashed bythe media. Having said that, I’ve never really had any trouble with non-Muslimsbefore. Maybe it would remain the same if I wore a niqab. I was still contemplatingupon that.61Amy met me at the stop. We walked to her house and I started feeling nervous.What was I going to talk to her dad about? I had to show him what true Muslimswere like, happy, peaceful and polite. I put a smile on my face when we got to herhouse.2“What are you doing?” She asked.“Practicing my smile.” She gave me a weird look and went inside. Her dad was sittingbeside her mum holding her hand. The sight of Mrs Faber, Amy’s mother, broke myheart. The last time I had seen her, she was only a little sick but she still glowed. Iwas seeing her after years and she looked worn out and very thin.“Safia, come and take a seat.” She said pointing to the chair on the other side of herbed.“Hello Mrs Faber.” I said sitting down. “How are you?”“I’m surviving. How are you? I heard you got married. What’s the lucky man like?”She asked, smiling weakly.“Oh he’s just wonderful! One of the most caring men I’ve ever come across. Healways puts my needs before his and I love him so much.”3“That’s wonderful! How’s your brother? Hamza, right?” I could see her eyes had amischievous glint and I tried to hold back my laughter. We couldn’t let Amy’s dadfind out about Hamza like this.1“He’s good alhamdulillah.” Mrs Faber didn’t notice, she was probably used tohearing that from Amy but Mr Faber looked at me questioningly. “It means praisebe to Allah.” I said nervously. “We tend to say it when we say something good suchas, when we’re talking about how someone is feeling good or when someonesneezes.” His brows furrowed together. Oh dear, I wasn’t making much sense tohim.1“Would you like a drink? Some juice?” Amy asked.
“No thank you. I’m fine.”“Dad, could you get Safia some juice from the kitchen please?” Amy asked and herdad got up. When he left the room, Mrs Faber whispered to me,“Show me a picture of him?”“Who?”“My son in law to be.”4“She’s desperate to see how Hamza looks.” Amy piped in and I smiled while fishingout my phone. I found a picture and showed it to Mrs Faber.“He’s a handsome chap.” She complimented. “I officially approve.”5“You haven’t even met him yet.” I said.“I don’t need to. I know from everything Amy says that he’s a good man. And if he’sanything like you then I can’t object.” I smiled widely before Amy’s dad came in witha tray of drinks and a glass.“So dad,” Amy began. “Safia here is in her final year of university. She’s studyingArabic and Islamic Studies.”“Is that so?” He replied. “So tell me, what do you find so amazing about Islam?” Iwas hoping he wasn’t going to ask challenging questions. I had to give an answerwhich wouldn’t cause any debates. That wasn’t the purpose of my visit.“The Qur’an. I see it as a miracle. During the time of the Prophet Muhammad, poetrywas really popular and then the Qur’an was revealed. The Meccan chapters, as theyare known, were so poetic. They’re the surahs revealed before Hijra. Hijra is themigration of the Prophet from Mecca to Medina. Those surahs or chapters are theones you find at the end of the Qur’an even though they were revealed first. They’remuch shorter than the Medinian chapters. People were left in awe after hearing theQur’an being recited. Allah challenges people in the Qur’an to produce somethinglike the Qur’an yet no one has done so.” My answer was a little confusing and mixedup but that felt good, it was going rather well.13“What about the bible and Torah, are they not like the Qur’an?”
“Erm… Well you tell me. If all the bibles and Torahs in the world were destroyed,would it be possible to write a copy of a bible or Torah as it was in its original form?If all the Qur’ans were destroyed in the world, people from different corners of theworld could write down the Qur’an and it would be the exact same thing. Every wordwould be the same as it has been for over 1400 years.” Mr Faber looked impressed.I was feeling proud of myself.31We continued talking and I let everything I knew pour out of me. He did try tochallenge me but I always had something to say back. When I was about to go, heeven gave me a little compliment.“You’re quite smart. I like that you don’t follow the religion blindly.”2“Well Islam teaches us to gain knowledge. I’m only being Muslim.” I said and henodded his head thoughtfully. Amy walked me to the bus stop.8“Thank you so much for coming and talking to my dad. You did so well Safia! He wasactually interested in what you were saying. He never listens when I try to mentionIslam. But you got him to listen, thank you so much!”“Don’t be silly, I enjoyed that conversation very much.” We said our goodbyes anddeparted.I phoned Yusuf and asked him how long he was going to be. He told me he’d be backin the evening so I went to see my parents instead of going home.I spent the rest of my day there, informing everyone on how my conversation withAmy’s dad was. I also let Hamza know how Amy’s mum approved of him.“Of course she would approve of me. I’m just too cute to resist.”27“Seriously Hamza, this Amy thing’s getting to your head! So vain and arrogant!” Isaid crossing my arms.“I’m not vain and arrogant, I’m just honest.” I threw a cushion at him.“You know you’re supposed to be humble in Islam.”1“I know, I just say these things to rile you up. Your reactions are priceless.” He saidthrowing the cushion back. I ducked and it hit Hafsa.“I’ve had enough of you. I cannot wait till Amy straightens you out!” Hafsa saidwaving her fist around.
“Perfection can’t be straightened.” We talked over each other as we argued againstHamza who was having a lot of fun annoying us.6“Enough!” Mum said coming in. “You lot are making more noise than children. Safia,I expected more from you. You’re a married woman. And Hafsa, I thought you werebetter than this. Hamja, well this is expected from you so I won’t say anything.” Ibegan to laugh so much.81“Mum calls you Hamja too?”“It’s not funny. Mum, I told you not to call me that. And especially don’t call me thatin front of her!” He said pointing at me.“Mum, this is why you’re the absolute best.” I said hugging her.8In the evening, I asked Uncle Yahya to drop me off home. I was feeling homesick.There was strange comfort in that little flat just because I knew it was mine andYusuf’s. Uncle was hesitant at first saying he didn’t want me to be there alone but Iassured him it was safe.I got home and stored the food my mum gave me in the fridge. I cleaned up and gotout my study pack to revise. I sent Yusuf a text letting him know I was at home nowso he didn’t drive to mum’s house on the way back. He replied back saying he wasgoing to leave shortly.2An hour went by but Yusuf wasn’t back. The journey was over half an hour and hecould have easily have been stuck in traffic. Or he just left later. I didn’t give it muchthought and got back to studying.Half an hour after that, Yusuf still wasn’t back. I was worried but I convinced myselfhe left later and there was traffic.I prayed my Isha salaah and the time was 8:30pm, two hours since Yusuf texted me.Now I was getting worried. I phoned him but he didn’t answer. He was probablydriving.8:45pm and I was beginning to panic. I kept phoning him but he wouldn’t answer! Ileft him several texts but he wasn’t replying. I phoned Maryam and she said Yusufleft at around 6:30.I was pacing the house, continuously calling him but he wasn’t answering! My heartwas beating loudly and there were horrible knots in my stomach. Where was he?+
At 9:00, the door finally opened and in stepped Yusuf. He spared me one glancebefore he stormed past me, into the bedroom and shut the door.15“Yusuf?” I said lightly knocking. He remained silent. I was relieved to see he was backbut something was terribly wrong. I could have sworn I heard a little whimper.
Chapter 45.Yusuf’s POV7It felt like the storm was getting stronger. Javed’s appointment was the followingweek and the nerves for his results had me on edge. I was so afraid for him. Thenthere was Safia who I was finding it more and more difficult to talk to. The only thingI hated more than the distance between us was that I was getting used to it.5I left without waking Safia and letting her know I was going. I didn’t even think aboutit until she called me. I used the excuse saying she looked so peaceful, which she did.It was only after she told me how she didn’t like waking up to an empty house thatthe lack of communication between us had occurred to me. It felt like someone hitme on my chest with a brick. This wasn’t the sort of marriage I had worked for.1On top of that, mum was causing trouble again! The guests came around andnaturally asked about Safia. Mum began to backbite about her, saying those sameridiculous things and I spoke up again which caused a tiny problem. Mum didn’tmention Safia again but she said she wanted ‘a word’ with me after they left.1“That was very embarrassing, the way you spoke up against me.” Mum said. I sighedand put my hands on her shoulder.8“No matter what you say or do, I shall defend Safia until I see her doing somethingwrong with my very own eyes. I am not going to leave her mum. What you’re doingwill drive me away, not make me leave Safia. Understood?” But mum wasdangerously stubborn. It dawned upon me that it was likely mum might neverchange. She was too set in her ways. Wanting to get away, I said salaam to everyoneand left feeling quite agitated.3On my way home, I stopped by to get some painkillers because my ankle wasbeginning to hurt. I parked outside the pharmacy knowing that cars weren’t allowedto be parked there. But I only needed to run in and get some painkillers. When Icame out of the pharmacy, I saw that someone had crashed into my car and drivenoff. There was a huge dent going into the driver’s side with shattered glass on theseat.13
That’s when all negative emotions and thoughts began to take over. I left the carand walked for an hour to get home, all the while, thinking of everything wrong inmy life. Now I wouldn’t be able to take my car to work. There was also the problemwith money. Not to mention the 15 minute walk from the station to my workplace,which was sure to cause my ankle a lot of pain.5Safia would be disappointed in me. We didn’t have much and now we had even less.I remember when Javed was laughing at the car and said it would be better to nothave one at all than the beaten up one I had. Well now I didn’t have one. I didn’thave the money to get it fixed or buy a new one. Thinking of Javed led me to thinkabout his health. He looked worse again today.2When I got home, I felt like my head was going to explode and my ankle hurt somuch, as if someone was sawing through it. I glanced towards Safia and saw theworry apparent on her face. I forgot to check my phone or tell her where I was. I wasdrowning in guilt as I rushed to the bedroom and closed the door. I sat down on thebed, unable to control myself any longer. I was a failure.9The tears fell as I sat hunched, too tired to sit straight. I was angry at myself, I wasangry at my stupid throbbing ankle. I was angry at everything. I rubbed my face andignored Safia knocking on the door. I didn’t want her to see me like this. But whereelse was I to go in this tiny little dump we lived in?3When I didn’t respond, Safia came in herself, holding a glass of water. She sat nextto me without speaking a word. I couldn’t bear to see the look on Safia’s face so Ikept my head low.“Drink this, it might help.” With shaky hands I took the glass and put it on the bedsidedrawer. I wasn’t in a state where I could swallow anything. I clutched my ankle andshut my eyes in pain. Safia left and I could hear her in the kitchen, going through thedrawers. She came back a while later.“I can’t find any painkillers; shall I go out and get some?”“There’s some in my pocket.” She took them out and gave me two. I let go of myankle and took them with the water she handed me earlier. “I suppose you want toknow what happened. Let the pain go down and I’ll tell you.” Safia went back to getme some food. I told her not to get me anything, food was the last thing on mymind.2
We spent an awkward half an hour before the painkillers kicked in and I was able totell her what had happened. My ankle was still sore, but it wasn’t as consuming as itwas earlier.“So you were crying because someone crashed into your car? You made me thinksomething much worse had happened. Thank Allah you weren’t in the car!” Safiasaid when I finished.3“It’s not just the car. That was just the last straw. It’s everything Safia, Nothing isright at the moment!”1“What about me?” She said offended. “At least we’re together.”“Are we? When was the last time we spoke properly?”2“If you want to speak to me Yusuf, just speak.”“You’re always so busy with uni and there’s just other things…” I trailed off, notwanting to mention Javed.1“What other things? You’re complaining that we don’t speak to each other whenyou’re the one keeping secrets. What’s on your mind? Just tell me.” She said runningher hand soothingly through my hair.“That doesn’t matter. I’m just tired of this now. I’m tired of waiting for things to getbetter. After hardship comes relief right? I want that relief and I want it now.”6“Just be patient. That relief will come.”3“I’ve got no choice but to be patient.” I know I sounded ungrateful. I was reallybreaking. I never thought I would, especially because of a car.2“That’s not patience Yusuf. When people go through hard times, they can’t doanything but wait. But that doesn’t mean they’re all patient. There’s some thatcomplain until the hard times are over. Others keep their faith strong in Allah andmake the best of the hard times, focusing on all the good things. It is those who arepatient. And think about it, both are waiting but the patient one is happier, and getsreward for it too.” I became calmer after hearing that.5“Patience is seeing the good things through hard times…” I said, looking into Safia’seyes. “The good things…” She was my good thing. She got my message and smiledat me. I pulled her into a hug. “Help me be patient Safia.”9
“I can help, but it’s all ultimately in your control. Remember the patience of theprophets. So many of them had problems much worse than ours, but they kept theirfaith strong in Allah and in the end, Allah rewarded them and protected them. Wecan’t be prophets but we can try and have faith. Allah will help us.” She remindedme.“You’re so full of wise advice. It surprises me that you come out with these things.”“Excuse me? I’m just a wise person.” She said looking at me with hopes that I wouldcheer up.“Sure you are.” I said sarcastically and smiled. Safia relaxed in my arms. Then wecontinued to talk about nonsense.After so long, Safia and I had a full conversation about absolutely nothing. I lovedhaving those banters with her. While we were teasing each other and laughing, Imomentarily forgot why I actually had a breakdown earlier on. We fell into acomfortable silence as I thought about the future. I hoped this wasn’t a one offhappy conversation.5“I’ve decided, in’sha’allah when we have a daughter, we shall name her Yusra. Itmeans relief. I have a feeling she might provide us with relief.” I said trying toimagine a miniature version of Safia.42“When we have a daughter? How can you be so sure we will have one?”3“Faith in Allah, Safia.”“We can name the second one Yusra if we have two. First one will be named Maria.It’s final.” Safia said crossing her arms.16“It’s final without discussing it with me?” I asked.“As the mother of the child, I should have a right to name her. Besides, she mayprovide you with relief, but she’ll provide me with sleepless nights.”5“Maria.” I said, feeling name on my lips. “It’s nice. I can imagine shouting at her.”32“Yusuf!” Safia said shoving me. “You will not shout at our child!” I could see she washorrified.1“I’m joking! She’s going to be daddy’s little girl.”5
“We’re saying this like we’re going to have a baby tomorrow. Who knows if we willeven have children?”2“Stop being a pessimist Safia, we will have children in’sha’allah. Not yet though. Iwant them to be raised in a better place and I want to be able to spoil them”4“If and when we have children is not in our power.”10“But we have the magic of prayer. Which reminds me, I’m going to have a badlyneeded one to one with Allah. Care to wait while I offer some nafl (optional)prayers?”“Nah, I’ll join you.” We did our wudhu and laid out our prayer mats. When wefinished praying the optional prayers, I remained seated and raised my hands myhands in supplication.7Ya Allah, I prayed. Times are tough and I’ve not been turning to You as often as Ishould. Forgive me for the weakening of my faith. Forgive me for all the sins I haveunknowingly committed for you are the most Merciful. Ya Allah, please help me.Please strengthen my bond with Safia. Please give Javed good health and a longhealthy life. Pleas guide my mother. O Allah, please provide us with relief soon andshower your blessings upon us.40I continued with tears staining my cheeks again, but I wasn’t sad anymore. Thesetears felt like they were cleansing my soul, lifting my burden. I finished and saw Safiasitting next to me, dressed in her pyjamas. I don’t know how long I was sitting therefor, but in that much time Safia got ready for bed. I thought she was going to ask mewhat was wrong but instead she asked,“Are you feeling better now?” She understood the purpose of these new tears I wasshedding.11“I feel much better, alhamdulillah.”Life will get better now, I told myself, even if it gets worse, it will get better.
Chapter 46.Safia’s POVYusuf’s breakdown worried me a lot. I’d never seen him actually cry. I didn’tunderstand why though. Things weren’t great but they weren’t that bad that itwould drive him to tears. There was something he wasn’t telling me, he evenadmitted it himself.5He became sick after a few days too. He woke up with a fever and was refusing toeat anything. I force fed him some soup and he puked it out an hour later. He’d takensome days off work but was finding it hard to stay in bed. He kept getting up and Ikept telling him to rest. In the end, he settled with lying down on the sofa with ablanket around him. I sat on the edge of the sofa with my head laying on Yusuf’schest.7“You’re going to get sick.” He warned. I didn’t respond and I was too comfortable toget up. My mistake because as soon as he started feeling better, I started gettingsick.2I had a day off from university because of a strike. Amy coincidentally had a day offwork too so I called her around. Yusuf was off too for sickness but he said he had tobe somewhere. I asked him where but he replied saying he’d tell me when he gothome.Amy suggested we spend the day baking brownies and I told her I didn’t have theingredients so she kindly bought the ingredients on the way to my flat. She didn’tcompletely know about this whole money situation. She knew we weren’t doing wellbut she didn’t know that it was affecting so many aspects of mine and Yusuf’s lives.I was only eating two small meals a day with no snacks or other food in between.Now that it was winter, I was fasting most days too. There was no particular reasonbut I thought to myself, if I was going to eat so little, I may as well get reward for it.8Today wasn’t a day I was fasting because of the fever I felt coming on. By the timeAmy came, I could feel myself getting worse. I was cold and sweaty. I put an extralayer of clothing on. Amy and I greeted each other before she came and dumped allthe ingredients on the table.1“It’s a little small.” She commented looking around the flat. It was the first time she’dcome around.
“I find it cosy.” I replied and started taking out the ingredients from the bags. Thenwe both began making the brownies mix. “What’s going on with your parents now?”I asked.1“Mum approves of Hamza completely and since you came, dad’s been a little betterabout me being a Muslim. I’m planning to tell him about Hamza soon.”“Do you realize that I wasn’t even asking about Hamza?” Amy stopped to think for amoment and then blushed. “He’s on your mind all the time isn’t he?”1“No… Not all the time.”“Aww, Amy’s in love!” I said fluttering my eyelashes.“This is getting old now. Get back to… Doing something.” She said, her lips twitchingas she attempted to stop herself from smiling.“There’s nothing left to do except wait for the brownies. That’s going to take longby the way. This oven is extra slow.”“Then clean up!” Amy ordered me.“But I’m feeling drowsy.” I complained. It was true though, I was feeling a littledrowsy.“Go sit down then.” Amy sighed. I did so, wrapping my cardigan tighter around me.I put my head down on the armrest and continued talking to Amy.“Get married already! Please!” I said and Amy just looked at me disapprovingly. Shealways acted so much older and more mature than me. Well, she was older andmore mature.“Not everyone gets married to someone who they’ve only known about for threemonths!” She said referring to me and Yusuf. I mimicked her before closing my eyes.Then I must have fallen asleep.“So this is how you treat your guest? You make her clean up and then fall asleep?”Amy asked hovering over me.2“Huh?” I said looking up. Then I sat up and it sank in that I fell asleep. “Oh, I’m sosorry.” Amy put the back of her hand on my forehead.“You’re burning up. Where’s the medicine?”
“It’s okay, I’ll get it.” I told her to sit and I went to take some medicine.“I don’t mean this in a bad way but you look quite bad. Not bad as in, bad but badas in, sick.” Amy explained.6“Oh really? I look sick? That’s weird seeing that I am sick!”“I don’t appreciate your sarcastic tone young lady.”“I don’t appreciate your existence grandma.” I went to the bathroom to take a lookin the mirror. “Amy, I do look really sick. Help me!”5“Take a hot shower and I’ll try and see what I can do.” Amy was almost an expertwhen it came to make up and transforming people.4“But I don’t want to leave you alone.” Amy took a book out of her bag.“I’ve got entertainment here so you just hurry with your shower.” I did as she toldme. I felt better when I came out. Amy did my hair and some light make up so itlooked natural. I didn’t own much make up but for some reason, Amy did. She hardlywore any make up but she always carried some around. I had no idea why. It wasone of those weird things about her.3When she was done, I looked in the mirror and saw a huge difference. I no longerlooked that sick.“Thanks Amy! I look so much better!”“You’re welcome. The brownies are probably done now. Let’s take them out andwait for them to cool down. Then we can dig in.” I agreed. We sat and spoke untilthe brownies cooled down. Then we spoke and ate brownies too. Soon, I received atext from Yusuf saying he was nearly home. It became a habit that when one of uswas at home, the other would send a text before reaching home. I excused myselfas I went to open the door for Yusuf.1“Aslamau’alaykum.” He said happily and leaned down to meet me how he usuallydid, with a little kiss. I had to stop him when he came too close.3“We have company.” I managed to whisper. He looked into the living room andquickly averted his gaze awkwardly. Amy sat as if she didn’t know what was goingon. Yusuf pulled me into the bedroom and finished his greeting. “Might I ask whyyou look so delighted?” I asked.7
“I’ll tell you when we’re alone.” I left Yusuf to change.“Right, I should get going.” Amy said, picking up her bag. I was about to object whenI felt all the brownies I ate rising in my throat. I ran to the bathroom. I hated beingsick. I washed my mouth and came back out, shuddering.8“Stay a little while.” I said.“Safia, are you pregnant?” Amy asked hopefully. I gave her a little slap on her head.4“Can you not see that I’m actually sick? Can’t a married woman catch a bug? I caughtit off Yusuf.” Amy’s face fell.2“It would have been nice if you had a little baby.”“If you like babies so much, go marry Hamza now and have some of your own.”39“Well I plan to as soon as my dad agrees in’sha’allah.” I walked Amy to the door. “Ijust wanted to say, I didn’t like Yusuf much before because of him being Javed’sbrother and because the first time I saw him, he was shouting and swearing. But Ireally believe he’s a good man now. And I can tell he loves you loads. I pray that youboth have a happy marriage which continues in Jannah.”8“In’sha’allah.” I reply feeling relieved that Amy accepted my marriage to Yusuf. Heropinion held a lot of value to me.1I let Yusuf know Amy was gone. He came out of the room and I gave him some leftover brownies.“Are you okay? You feel hot.”“I am hot.” Oh dear, I had to stop hanging around with Hamza so much. I wasbeginning to sound like him.30“I know.” Yusuf stroked my cheek. “I told you to stay away from me didn’t I? Wellnow look, you’re sick.”4“You wanted to tell me something.” I said changing the subject.“Ah yes. Well, a couple of weeks ago, Javed came to me and he told me he hadsymptoms of cancer.”“What? Oh my, is he okay?” I asked panicked. I dislike Javed but not so much that Iwould want him to suffer a problem like cancer.
“I’m getting to that. He didn’t tell anyone except me and he asked me to go to hishospital appointment with him. That’s where I went today.” I waited for him tocontinue. “So they checked him and alhamdulillah it’s not cancer. I can’t rememberwhat the issue was because I zoned out like you and began thanking Allah. That’sone less problem to worry about. They prescribed some medicine for him and saidhe’ll be okay soon in’sha’allah.”21“You’ve been going through all that alone? You didn’t even tell me?”“He told me not to tell anyone.”“Alhamdulillah he’s okay though.” I was about to get up when Yusuf grabbed myarm.“I haven’t finished.” I sat back down. “He’s also thinking about changing his lifestyle.He’s been praying Jummah (Friday prayers) more regularly and had even startedgoing to mosque for Zuhr and Maghrib. Only those two, don’t ask me why, I don’tknow. The point is, he’s really changing now. You have a little role to play in that.” Iwas thrilled to know that Javed was trying to become a better person, but what didI have to do with it?“What do you mean?”“Apparently you gave him a little speech about death coming randomly. That gothim thinking.”“Oh yeah, on Eid.” Yusuf’s eyes shone as his gaze intensified.“Safia,” Yusuf tangled his fingers with mine. “I love you so much. We haven’t evenbeen married for a full year but we’ve been through more than other couples I knowwho’ve been married for longer. But you’re still here and you’re keeping me sane.In these past few months, things have been so tough but you still smile and continueyour life as if you have everything-”2“Stop right there! Don’t delve into a whole boring speech about how we should havemore. Sometimes I think you just say these things so you can hear me say, no Yusuf,you’re all I need. Well I’m not going to say it this time.” Yusuf’s eyes crinkled inamusement.13“I just don’t know how to show my appreciation at how you’re sticking by me.”
“I’m not sticking by you out of necessity. I’m sticking by you because I want to. AndI’m afraid I’m stuck to the extent that you cannot tear me away.” I said and Yusufgrinned.5“Good, because I don’t plan to tear you away from me.” He said putting an armaround me. He kissed the top of my head and I leaned into his shoulder. “I heardyou puke up, you poor thing. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”28“Seriously? You too? I’m sick. Feel my forehead; this isn’t what morning sickness islike. I’ve seen Aisha go through it and she didn’t get a fever so I’m assuring you, I’mnot pregnant.”20“Then you get some rest.” I went to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. Yusuftucked me in. “I’ll make you some soup.”“No, please, no food! I’m going to be sick again.”1“You force fed me, my turn to force feed you. You need it if you want to get better.”He said repeating what I kept saying to him a couple of days ago. He made me somesoup and fed it to me like I was a little child. Unwillingly, I ate it because I didn’t wantit to go to waste.6I could feel the change in Yusuf. His happy mood changed the whole atmosphereand I found myself feeling the happiest I had felt in a long time, even with my fever.
Chapter 47.Yusuf’s POV2Things were looking up. Months after promising Maryam and dad that they cancome over to meet Safia, I was finally taking them home. Safia recovered from herfever and hadn’t puked up for the last week. I made her take a test any way but itturned out negative. I was disappointed but relieved too. It would have beenamazing to be a father, however, now wasn’t a good time. Safia was still in universityand we were just about getting by. We didn’t have enough to support a baby justyet.29“Come on, let’s go now!” Maryam said pulling my arm to get me off my seat. Mumdidn’t know where we were going but luckily she didn’t ask. I was going to drivedad’s car and take them to my flat. Safia was at home preparing dinner for them.“Let dad come down, then we’ll go.” I replied.“We can wait for him in the car.” She whined.“Patience!” I snapped, losing my patience. That was slightly hypocritical of me. Butit did the job. Maryam huffed and sat down. As soon as dad came, Maryam ran tothe door.9“Let’s go!” She said opening the front door. I took dad’s keys and walked to the car.It felt good to be driving again, I sort of missed it. I’d been taking public transportafter my car got destroyed beyond affordable repair. It wasn’t too bad going aroundon trains and buses. Safia didn’t mind either, she hardly minded anything. But Iwanted a car again because it was so much more convenient.When we were half way there, Maryam began asking,“Are we there yet?” I first I replied telling her how long the journey was going totake. I continued with a similar response four times but the fifth time she said it, Igot annoyed.1“If you ask one more time, I’m going to stop the car, throw you on the road and driveoff. Then you can get there on your own.” I said frustrated. When I saw her throughthe mirror, she was wearing a sly smile. Her purpose was to annoy me.10“Okay Shrek.”9
“You technically just called yourself Donkey.” She stuck her tongue out at me andgot her phone out. Her phone kept her entertained for the rest of the journey.1I stretched my stiff limbs as I exited the car and led dad and Maryam to my home.“Asalamu’alaykum!” Safia and Maryam both shouted seeing each other. Then theygave each other a long hug while dad and I stood awkwardly waiting for them. ThenSafia saw dad and moved back and said salaam to dad.“Come in and sit down.” She said, ushering them to the living room. We bought afew chairs so there was more space to sit other than that one sofa. Maryam sat nextto Safia, bursting with joy at being with one of her best friends and the closest thingshe had to a sister. Safia returned that enthusiasm too with her huge grin.5“So how have you been?” Dad asked.“Alhamdulillah good. How have you been?” Safia asked in an extra polite voice. Iremember when she used to use that polite voice with me at the beginning of ourmarriage. We had come such a long way.1“Good alhamdulillah. This is a nice place you’re living in.” That was an obvious lie. Icould tell clearly by his face. Safia either didn’t realize or she was giving him thebenefit of the doubt. Or she was just going along with it because it felt like the rightthing to do.“Yeah I really like it.” She replied. It wasn’t too bad I suppose. Dad and Safia talked alittle more before she and Maryam went to the bedroom to have a private girly chat.“Yusuf, this is where you live?” I nodded, not knowing what to say. “Are you happyhere?”“Of course I am, I’m with Safia.” Dad didn’t buy it although it was the truth. He tookhis wallet out and emptied it, handing all his notes over to me. “No no, I can’t acceptthis.”“Please, take it. Buy yourself something or buy Safia something.”“No, I can’t. Please, we’re doing just fine.” I didn’t even tell him we were struggling.But he must have figured it out.“It’s the least I can do. Take it Yusuf.” He insisted. “Please.” I unwillingly opened myfist which he was thrusting the money into and accepted the cash.
“Jazak’allah. But there was no need.” I felt so embarrassed. I didn’t like peoplepitying me or showing any sympathy and I didn’t like anyone helping me. I wantedeverything I had to be earned by my own hard work. I decided I was just going togive the money to Safia.11The size of our home meant we could hear the other’s conversations from the nextroom. So when dad went to do wudhu in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but hearwhat Maryam and Safia were talking about.“You’ve stopped watching The Vampire Diaries?” Maryam sounded astonished.3“Well, I haven’t even thought about it. For some reason, I don’t even have a desireto watch it. I guess I’m just lost in my life with Yusuf now that nothing like thatmatters anymore. It’s like I’m actually living a reality now and everything before wasjust a fantasy. Reality’s harsh but that’s why makes the good times better.” Thatcrazy girl was getting wiser by the day.2“Aww so no more Damon?” Damon? Who on earth was he? I disliked him already.81“He hasn’t crossed my mind in ages! To be honest with you, I don’t find any guysattractive anymore. I have no feelings for anyone but Yusuf. It’s weird but nice.” Ifelt smug. My wife loved me! I knew that before but it was always pleasant to haveit confirmed.19Dad and I went to the mosque, prayed and then had dinner with Safia and Maryamwhen we returned. Safia and Maryam wouldn’t stop talking! I lost track of whateverthey were talking about because they kept sidetracking. One minute they weretalking about food, the next minute they were talking about Safia’s nephews.3After Maghrib salah, dad said he needed to get home before mum got suspicious.Maryam and Safia kept promising to talk on the phone more often and Maryamapologized again for telling Safia to go home that day. That incident now felt likeyears ago. Safia told her it was fine and I could tell that she didn’t want to talk aboutthat. I didn’t blame her; I wanted to erase that event from my memory.4When they left, I helped Safia clean up.1“You should bring them over more often.” Safia said to me.“Now dad kind of knows the way, he can come when he likes.”
“I hope he does, in’sha’allah. I’m going to turn the heating on.” Safia said turningtowards the boiler. It was winter now. I assumed the expenses would go downbecause everything was on sale for Christmas and New Year but it seemed likeeverything we saved went into our bills for gas and heating.I picked up a book that I borrowed from the mosque and continued reading fromwhere I left off. There was an enjoyment in reading Arabic books that couldn’t befound in English. Translations never did any justice to these books either. Thelanguage was so beautiful.32“I’m bored!” Safia said sitting beside me. I handed her another book, also in Arabic.She started reading it but every few seconds, she’d tap my shoulder and ask what aword means.3“What does that mean?” She asked again. I shut my book and turned to her.“What do you learn in uni? You’re doing a degree in Arabic-“1“Combined with Islamic Studies.” She reminded me.“Nonetheless, half your course is Arabic. You’re in your third year and you don’tknow what half the words mean.”1“Half the words? I have only asked you the meaning of,” She started counting all thewords she didn’t know. “Five words on two pages! That’s pretty good!”2“I can tell by your grades.”“Do not mention my grades! They were average, not bad. I was also under pressureand I don’t work well under pressure. Besides, I’m this close,” She put the tip of herindex finger and thumb a centimeter away from each other. “To knowing Arabicproperly.”“Oh really? Idhan la tas’aleeni as’ila.” I said in Arabic.41“Okay, that means, then no…” She attempted“Wrong.”“Ask… something…”“Nearly there.”“Then no ask something…?” She said slowly and thoughtfully.2
“That doesn’t make sense.”1“Tell me!”“I’ll leave you to figure it out.” I said getting back to reading my book.“You’re mean. But don’t worry, I have Arab friends.” She said going to her room toget her phone. A little while later she came back and replied, ‘Aha! It means, thendon’t ask me questions.” She looked proud of herself. “See, I was close. This meansI am close to knowing Arabic. Close, not there yet so I will continue to askquestions.”7“You’re not that close yet. I’m afraid you have more work to do.”“That’s not fair. You by chance said a sentence with a word I didn’t know. And I’mbetter at understanding writing than understanding when someone’s speaking.” Shemoaned.“Exactly, so you have more work to do.”“Then help me! Isn’t that what you’re here for?”“No. But out of the goodness of my generous heart, I’ll help you anyway.” So I did.We went through the book with her translating every sentence and me correctingher. I couldn’t help but tease her and by the time we were a few pages in, shebecame aggravated.4“You’re a horrible teacher. I don’t want to study with you.” She said closing the book.“You’re a horrible student.” I retorted. Safia feigned a hurt expression and sat withher back towards me, as if she was angry at me. “Hey Safi.” I said poking her back. “Iknow you’re only pretending. You love me too much to really be angry.” I knew shewas smiling. But just to be sure, I pulled her into my arms so I could see her face.She was smiling.21“I’m amused at your highly incorrect statement. Don’t mistake it for somethingelse.” She said. I chuckled as I took her hand.“Oh, I overheard your conversation with Maryam. You said, I quote, I have nofeelings for anyone but Yusuf.”3“You eavesdropper! That’s seriously a bad habit. You shouldn’t do that.” She saidturning slightly pink around her nose.7
“It’s not my fault. I could hear you so clearly that I couldn’t block out what you weresaying. A word of advice, next time, close the door properly and keep your voiceslower.”“Oh no, did dad hear us? Oh no!” Her eyes grew wide.“No, he was in the bathroom doing wudhu and we went to pray after that.” Safiasighed in relief.5“You may let go of me now.” She said. I was still holding her in a way that her headwas resting on my arm.“I don’t want to.” I said even though my arm was beginning to ache because of theweight of Safia’s head on it. We silently stared each other before one of our phonesstarted ringing. Safia got up and I checked mine. “It’s not my phone.” I told her. Shewent to the bedroom to get hers.2I followed Safia as she said salaam to Amy. She had a little frown and I could feelthere was something wrong. Then Safia gasped.“What? What happened?” I asked.“Amy, calm down. It’s okay. Everything will be okay in’sha’allah. Be strong. Shall Icome? Who’s with you?” She said a few more encouraging things before she hungup.“Well?” I asked, fearing the news I was about to hear.“Amy’s mum had a stroke. She’s at the hospital and Amy’s really upset. Her mum’shealth wasn’t good to begin with so Amy’s not sure about how her mum will be now.I’m scared Yusuf. I want to go but Amy said they won’t allow me in. Her dad’s withher though. I can’t believe this.” Safia slumped onto the bed. I sat next to her andpatted her back, at loss for words.
Chapter 48.Safia’s POV7I had turned 21 a month ago which made me an official adult. I was an adult beforebut if there was any doubt then, there was none now. I could now legally buy alcoholwithout parents’ permission in certain US states which had those laws, not that Iwould fly out to those states and buy alcohol. No way, haram! But that justemphasized my adulthood. Yet, like any adult should be able to, I wasn’t very goodat handling this situation.30Mrs Faber lost all feeling in her left arm and left leg. Right now, she couldn’t speakproperly either. She had something called dysarthria which made it difficult for herto form words. I was by Mrs Faber’s bed while she mumbled something inaudible.19“What’s that ma?” Amy asked leaning towards her. Somehow, Amy was able tomake out what Mrs Faber was saying. I, on the other hand, wanted to run away. Itwas irrational but I was scared. I didn’t know what I was scared of, but I was scared.Maybe it was because I feared for Mrs Faber’s health. Or maybe I was scared forAmy having to take such a huge responsibility of taking care of her half paralysedmother. Or it could have been that I was scared to see how someone I knew as sohealthy before was now so sick. Or maybe it was that fear that no one wanted toadmit because it was considered immoral. I was scared of how Mrs Faber was quietlyslurring as she spoke.1I mentally slapped myself a hundred times. How could I be so horrible? What if thatwas me lying there like that and someone thought that of me? I felt so guilty. Therewas Mrs Faber, suffering in such a horrific way and all I wanted to do was go back tothe comfort of my home and close my eyes to her misery?14“Safia, can I speak with you for a second?” Amy asked. Feeling relieved to be able towalk away from that ward, I got up and followed Amy.“Yes?” I asked when we reached the waiting room.“You must be wondering how on earth I can communicate with mum so well whenshe can barely speak.”
“No, I know how close you two are. You can speak to each other with just your eyes.”Amy gave a weak smile. I could see how worn out she was. It was four days after thestroke and Amy refused to leave her mum and go home. She went home for half anhour or so everyday just to shower and get changed before she was back at hospital.“Yesterday mum said it’s time to tell dad about Hamza. She said she’s afraid that…”Amy swallowed hard and looked down before continuing. “She says she might notsurvive.” She whispered. “I don’t believe her but she says she doesn’t want to leaveme telling dad about Hamza on my own. So she wants to discuss this thing aboutHamza with dad now because you’re here.”“With me here? Why? What do I have to do this?” I didn’t want to intrude on theirprivate family conversation.8“What do you have to do with this? I don’t know seeing that you’re the one whostarted all this.”“Hey, you two fell for each other. I just pointed that out to you both, and everyoneelse.”“Exactly, you pointed it out so this is all because of you. And Hamza’s your brotherso you have to stay and tell dad how great Hamza is.” Amy was almost pleading so Icouldn’t say no.“Okay, let’s go and get it over and done with.”“That’s the spirit.” She said sarcastically as we made our way back to the ward whereher mother was.I took a seat in the corner with Amy sitting on Mrs Faber’s bed and Mr Faber sittingon the chair opposite me.“Dad, we have something to discuss with you.” Amy said and I felt some terriblenerves at the pit of my stomach. Mr Faber was so intimidating. “I want to getmarried.” Amy exclaimed boldly. “I’ve found someone and Ma approves.” Mr Faberstared at his daughter in shock. When he spoke up, I wanted to cry at his deepfrightening voice.“What do you mean get married? You’re not even 23 yet. And who’s this man? Itbetter not be another guy like the last one you picked.” He had no idea he wasspeaking about my brother in law. I prayed he never found out.4
“It’s Safia’s brother, Hamza. He’s a fantastic man. His family are all happy about thistoo.” She said honestly. There was no shyness or blushing, just a genuine statement.Mr Faber narrowed his eyes at me, making me want to curl up into a ball.1“They know? How could you have all made this decision without informing me?” Hebellowed and I so wished Yusuf was with me. I so badly wanted his presence. It feltso protecting.1“Dad, this is why. Look at your reaction. You’re in a hospital with your wife sick,confined to a bed for now and your shouting like this. We knew you were going toget angry or reject without even considering it.” Amy said calmly. I admired herbravery so much.2“I’m not rejecting. I’m hurt you all just made it official without me.” He saidquietening down a little.“Now where did you get that idea? Do I have a ring on my finger? Am I married? No,I’m not. Why? Because I wanted my father’s approval.” I think Mr Faber just wantedto let of some steam.2“I want to meet this Hamza immediately.” He glared at me expectantly. What was Isupposed to do? Call him over? I didn’t know what to do!“Of course, I’ll let him know.” My voice shook. “When would you like to meet him?”“You can call him now.” Now? I was thinking of what to say or do when Mrs Faberbegan saying something. Amy leaned in and listened intently while Mrs Faber slurredsomething quietly into her ear.“Dad, Ma says stop scaring Safia.” Mrs Faber whispered something else into Amy’sear. “She says wait until she gets a little better and is discharged from here.” Notbeing able to reject his sick wife’s wish, Mr Faber sunk in his seat with a scowl.Yusuf came to pick me up and the sight of him relieved me of a lot of my nerves. Iwanted to hug him but settled with linking my arm in his. I told him about whathappened on the way to the bus stop.“That was so petrifying. We had to tell Amy’s dad about Hamza and he’s a scary guyand he started shouting and he really wasn’t happy and-““So that’s why you look so stiff.” He remarked.
“Yeah, I still feel scared. When Amy’s mum gets better and comes home, they wantto meet Hamza.” Yusuf pulled his arm away from mine and put it around myshoulder giving me a sideward hug.6“It’ll be okay. He’ll be able to charm them with his stuttering.” Yusuf said and it easedmy worries. I felt protected now. A girl with a hijab walked past and gave us adisapproving glance. I shrugged Yusuf’s arm off.40“People are watching.” I said and he put his arm around me again.“I don’t care.”3“And it’s hard to walk with your arm around me.” Yusuf grudgingly removed his armand I linked my arm with his again. It was mostly because of people’s judging looksthough. “Why can’t the world just be a nice jolly place where there’s no hate andeveryone just accepts each other?”7“Because then there would be no tests and there would be no struggle, hence nochance to do good and earn rewards.”14“But how can people be mean?” I wondered this so often.2“I guess people get angry or they’re hateful towards something out of ignorance orpersonal experiences. We’re not perfect, we’ve been mean too.” I thought aboutthat thing I said to Yusuf during that argument we had before Ramadan. It was themost terrible thing I had ever said. I thought about it often but I didn’t want to bringit up because I was too embarrassed. But it was something that was eating me upevery time I thought about it.1“Yusuf, remember when I said I didn’t want to stay with you.” I didn’t finish thesentence and I was glad I didn’t because Yusuf actually flinched.“Unfortunately.” We had reached the bus stop by now.“I didn’t mean it at all. You know that right? What I said was just to hurt you and Idecided to pick on the one thing you used to complain about. I’m really really sorry.”I said, feeling the words in my heart.2
“It’s okay. What I said to you was just as bad. I said it because I was angry and Iwanted to upset you. But I’ve learnt my lesson. The consequences weren’t worththat one moment of losing control.” Yusuf chewed on his lip with his gaze fixed onthe ground. This wasn’t a conversation to be had in public but I was glad it wasn’t athome. Things would have been even more awkward.I changed the topic when we settled on the bus. Yusuf visibly relaxed and we beganplaying a game of coloured cars. We each had to pick a colour and whoever sawmore cars of that colour won. Yusuf chose grey/silver and I chose white. I told himhe had to choose either silver or grey but he was adamant that silver was a metallicgrey therefore they were both the same.9“That was grey!” He exclaimed while I argued,“It was white! The car was dirty!” Now we got a weird judgmental look by someoneelse. “That’s it, I’ve had enough.” I said quietly so only Yusuf could hear me.“Everyone is so quick to give those horrid glares which make you feel inferior. I’mjust going to stop speaking in public.”“Two things, one, with every disapproval, there’s approval. There’s a middle agedwoman to our right who looks really amused by us. Two, why do you care so muchwhat people think? Here’s a story my grandma once told me when I was little.” Yusufcouldn’t remember his grandma well, she passed away when he was young, but sheleft behind some wise words and useful stories with good morals.“A father, son and donkey were walking through a street and people began mockingthem saying, they’re so stupid! They have a donkey and they’re walking. So thefather told his son to sit on the donkey. When they got to the next street, peoplestarted saying, look at the son enjoying himself on the donkey’s back while his oldfather is walking. So then the son got off and the father sat on the donkey. Whenthey turned the corner to the following street, people shouted, look at the fathermaking his young son walk while he rides the donkey himself. So then they both saton the donkey and everyone yelled, the poor donkey! They’re squashing it with theircombined weight. There was only one option left, so the father and son picked thedonkey up. Then everyone began laughing at them saying that the donkey couldwalk so they were foolish for picking it up. So you see Safia, there is absolutely noway of impressing everyone. Best to just be what we think is best.”158“Wow that was a good story!” I thought about it for a while. That was exactly howlife was. There was always someone who was critical of whatever we did. “Stupidcritical people.”1
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